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Next up was a segment where Fake Arnold called in while George Takei was in. They had a little intro from George Takei where he talked about how amazing the Fake Arnold guy was when he called in. Here's what they played from January 10, 2006:
Fake Arnold Schwarzenegger Calls In. 01/10/06. 7:05am
Howard interrupted the guys and said that he had the Governor of California on the phone. It was the fake Arnold that calls the show often. 'Arnold' congratulated Howard on his move to satellite and liked that they were talking about monkey vaginas and using the F-word.
Howard talked to 'Arnold' about his motorcycle accident and Arnold went off on the Mexicans and how they're all illegal out there. He said they're always too busy eating burritos and making babies to drive correctly. He said the woman who pulled out in front of him was a Mexican woman.
Howard asked George Takei to talk about his feelings about Arnold. Takei didn't know that it was a phony Arnold and went off on him about the Same Sex Marriage bill and how upset he is about that being vetoed. Howard let George go on and on about the bill. Fake Arnold said that George must be ''one of those gays'' who takes it up the backside. George said he didn't want to discuss that. Then Arnold said that a couple should have a penis and a vagina, not two penises.
Howard asked 'Arnold' about why he vetoed the bill so 'Arnold' said that he just didn't have a pen that day. George couldn't believe that Arnold was going to treat his run in office this way. Arnold told him that he's just trying to have some fun. 'Arnold' said that he's got no problem with gays and actually enjoyed ''Brokeback Mountain.'' George said that Arnold has been flip-flopping on a lot of issues and this is just like him.
'Arnold' made a joke about how Asians can't drive very well, just like the Mexicans. George couldn't believe that he was making jokes like that. Howard kept the joke going and had 'Arnold' busting George's balls. Arnold said that he will pass the same sex marriage bill if it comes through again. He also said that he's going to pass a bill that doesn't allow Mexican women or Asians to drive in California. Arnold said that he's so high on Vikodin right now that he'd take a massage from him right now. He also said that he'd take a reach-around if George wanted to give him one.
George said that he does respect Arnold's career. Howard put through some phone calls for 'Arnold' and one guy said he can't believe the way the guy is joking about the gays. George says that he's going to hold Arnold to what he said about signing that same sex marriage bill. Howard wrapped up with Arnold a short time later and George said that he thinks that they've made history here. He still had no idea that it was a fake Arnold. Arnold was about to go when he mentioned that he's going to pass that bill that will stop Asians and Mexican women from driving.
Howard told Arnold that George was stuck in an internment camp back in World War II but Arnold responded with a ''Shit happens'' statement. Howard got some laughs out of that. He let 'Arnold' go a short time later.
George thanked Howard for making that happen today and Howard continued to keep the joke going. He told George to tell everyone he spoke to the Governor himself and he's going to hold him to the claim that he's going to pass that same sex marriage bill.
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Richard Christy's Brazilian Bikini Wax. 02/13/06. 7:40am
Howard said that Richard Christy was going to be coming in to get a Brazilian bikini wax in a little while. He said he's going to have all of the hair ripped out of his asshole and all around that area. Richard came in and said he was getting nervous about this because he saw a video of it being done.
Howard had the woman come in who is going to be doing the bikini wax. She came in and told Howard that she works at Skin Beauty Lounge in Washington DC. Howard was going to bring up the SIRIUS Spa channel to listen to while they were doing this bikini wax thing. Howard said he couldn't find the channel because it wasn't called Spa. Robin told him it is the Spa channel. Howard ran across the Maxim channel and mentioned that Rob Cross from their old station is now programming over there. He eventually found the Spa channel and put that on as he spoke to the woman who was going to do the bikini wax.
Nora told Howard that the bikini wax is going to take a few minutes and she's going to need Richard to help her out a little bit. She said that some people do bleed when they get this done to them. She said that the guys have to get up on all fours sometimes to get the waxing done. She said that she's never pulled any doody out of there after Howard asked about that.
Howard asked how often this has to be done. She said that it should be done about monthly. Some guys come back every 3 weeks or so to get it done. Nora said that this seems to be a gay thing or a European thing for the most part. Howard asked her if it's hot when a hot chick comes in. She said there's nothing sexy about it because she's just pulling hair out. She also said that there was one guy who got an erection when he got his waxing done. She had to ask him to leave.
Richard was ready to go so Howard told Nora to get ready. She said that she will be powdering down his balls and ass before applying the wax. She said that she will be doing that with her hand too so Richard was ready to go. Howard figures that Richard will be screaming when it gets done. Nora needed about 5 minutes to get ready. Howard said he'd take some phone calls but ended up talking to Richard about his sensitive balls. Richard said he's afraid that it's really going to hurt when she rips that stuff off of there.
Howard was digging the Spa channel on SIRIUS as he was listening. Robin is into it as well and has listened to it before. Howard was also talking about the Olympics a little bit as he waited for Nora to get ready. He then asked Nora how things were going. She was ready to go and had a ton of stuff there to help her out. Then she asked Richard to take off everything from the waist down.
Robin said that she had one of these done to her one time and she screamed so loud that she cleared the waiting room. Richard was wearing Homer Simpson underwear so the guys goofed on him about that. Gary said that Richard's ass was pretty hairy and he wasn't even looking that close. Nora said she's actually seen worse. Howard thought that she dry heaved when she saw him though.
Richard laid down on his back and Nora said she was going to clean off his area with some antiseptic. Robin thought that he looked kind of small so Nora said that he was a little smaller than normal. She put some powder on his area and Richard said that it smelled good. Howard described what was going on and noticed that Nora kind of brushed against Richard's penis. She said she has to do that when she's doing this.
Nora put on the wax and then started to rip off the hair. Richard was moaning and groaning because he didn't know she was about to start. Gary said that it ripped out all of the hair and it was as clean as a baby's bottom. Nora did a few more rips and Richard was yelling in pain. He was also starting to bleed a little bit. Nora warned him that she was going to get closer to the shaft. She started to do that and Richard was screaming out in pain even more. She pulled some hair off the sides of his shaft and then applied more wax to rip the hair off. She didn't hesitate at all and kept Richard screaming out in pain over and over again.
Artie said that Richard looked like a giant baby sitting there screaming and kicking his legs around. Nora pulled the hair off of Richard's balls and it sounded like it hurt worse than any of the other pulls. Richard wanted to keep going because he wanted to get it over with. He was in a lot of pain when she pulled the ball hair off. Howard asked him if he wanted to stop. Richard just wanted to get it over with. The noises that were coming out of Richard were pretty funny so Howard and Artie were laughing their asses off. It was the ball sack that was really painful.
Howard asked Richard to stop but Richard wanted to get it all done because it would look odd if he didn't. Nora kept going and Richard kept yelling. He was anticipating the pulling off of the air and would ramp up on the screaming as it came. His balls were bleeding and she didn't think it was all that much. Richard had some bat wings going because his balls were so clean. The blood was making them stick to his thighs.
Artie said that watching his legs going up and down was hilarious. Nora was putting some lotion on Richard's area down there and it looked like she was giving him a hand job. She then ripped some hair off of the top of his shaft. Richard said the bottom of his balls was the worst pain. She went to the side of his penis and ripped the hair off which made Richard make some very odd noises. He was as clean as a whistle according to Gary.
Nora went to Richard's ass and told him to hold on. Richard said it really wasn't as bad as he expected down there. Then she went right in around his hole and pulled out the hair. Then she went for the taint. Richard wasn't as in much pain as it sounded like he was earlier. She pulled the hair out of his taint and asked if he wanted the hair off of his ass. He said he just wanted it even around there. She went back for his hole and pulled out some stubborn hairs. She went down below his balls again and he was yelling out in pain once again. Even stranger sounds were coming out of him as that was going on.
Artie told Richard he looked like a fruit now. She pulled some hair off his ass cheeks and Richard said it wasn't that painful. He also told Nora that he had farted a little while before that but it was a silent one. Howard wanted to give Richard a sentence to say while he was getting the hair pulled. Howard asked him to say ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain...'' He tried it but it came out kind of rough.
Nora missed some hair on Richard's balls so she went back there and tried to get them out. Richard sounded like he was being beaten or whipped every time she pulled out the hair. Howard said he wants to put an embargo on the pictures Jason was taking until they put this on Howard Stern On Demand. Nora was still pulling hair off of Richard's balls as the guys were restraining him. He was shaking making even stranger noises as it went along.
Nora said that she would normally tweeze some of the stubborn hair. She poured some antiseptic on his area and that made Richard scream out even more than he was during the hair pulling. She then put on some soothing lotion and some powder. Richard said that the pain was so bad that it didn't even feel good when Nora was putting the lotion on. Richard stood up to show the guys what he looked like. Howard said it looked ridiculous. Robin said that Richard's balls were bright read like he had a light bulb down there. Artie said it looked like he had Red Buttons in a leg lock.
Richard said he will never do this again, he'd rather shave down there. He also said that he respects women even more now that he knows what they have to go through. Howard gave Nora another plug for her web site SkinBeautyLounge.com. Nora said that she actually waxes herself so she's very clean down below. Robin said that he really did look like a big baby getting changed during the whole thing.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the cringe factor was about as high as the time Steve O stapled his balls to his leg. Howard wondered who the first guy was who actually had that done because they must have felt like their balls were getting pulled off. Another caller asked Richard if he thought it was worth it to get that done. Howard thought it looked ridiculous and it couldn't be worth it. Richard said that it wasn't that bad and he will like being able to clean that area so easy.
Robin asked Richard if he gets off on pain. Richard said he does a little bit. The guys said that his penis looked like a rooster's neck. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked if Richard was okay. He said he was fine. Howard took a call from another guy who said that Richard has to dip his balls in alcohol every hour. Nora said that's not true. Richard said that was the most painful part of the whole thing when she poured the alcohol on his balls.
A couple of guys called in and said that they've tried to have that done but they had to bail out because it was so painful. Howard wrapped up with Nora and Richard a short time later.
Actor Wilmer Valderrama Visits. 03/27/06. 7:35am
After the break Howard had the guys bring in actor Wilmer Valderrama. Howard said that this guy is getting more pussy than anyone out there. He asked if he pronounces his name Vilmer or Wilmer. Wilmer said it's just ''Wilmer'' but people call him Vilmer for some strange reason. Howard read that Wilmer used to be kind of like the guy Pedro in ''Napoleon Dynamite'' before he learned the language. Wilmer was born in Miami but he was taken back to Venezuela where he grew up. He was then brought back to this country and didn't know the language very well. That's why he was like Pedro.
Wilmer said that when he was down in Venezuela, around the age of 14, he was able to get laid. He had sex before he left there. Howard asked him if he was getting any girls during the high school years. He said he was always trying to figure out how he was going to be able to get a cup of coffee. He joined a theater department in school and eventually went on to get some commercial work. After that he got a job on ''That 70's Show.''
Wilmer said that his parents are so proud that they don't ask for anything so he has to take care of them himself. He said that he bought them a place to live. He's got a sister who did a little modeling so she takes care of herself. He's got a couple of other siblings that he's going to do some stuff for though.
Howard said that Wilmer dated Lindsay Lohan so Artie figured that he must have taken her virginity. Wilmer said he just met her like last year. He's also dated Ashlee Simpson so Artie figured he must have banged her as well. Fred was playing some porn clips of a woman screaming and Wilmer said that it was louder than that.
Wilmer said that his first celebrity date was with Ariana Richards when he was about 17 years old. Howard told him that he's like the Venezuelan John Stamos. Howard asked him if Lindsay's boobs are real. Wilmer said that they are. Artie asked him what it's like to see his dick disappearing into those tits. Wilmer said it's pretty amazing actually.
Howard read that Wilmer also dated Mandy Moore. After every name that Howard mentioned, Artie would say ''You fucked ___?!'' He's nailed a lot of hot chicks from what they can tell. Howard asked him if he got Mandy when he was doing ''That 70's Show.'' Wilmer said that the moral of the story is that everyone should get a sitcom because that's how all of this went down. He told Howard that Mandy is a very attractive girl.
Wilmer went on to say that he's the kind of guy who doesn't hang out in the VIP room roped off from everyone else. He doesn't have that kind of attitude and that's what the women must be attracted to. He said that he could be fired any day now and if he doesn't make friends now, he could lose all of that when he loses his job.
Wilmer told the guys how he met Mandy Moore. He said that they were each other's first loves so Howard figured he took her virginity. He wanted a high five from Wilmer when he heard that. He said he's never taken the virginity of any woman so he doesn't know what that's like. Artie said that the closest he came was being a girl's 14th. Wilmer said that he's a huge fan of the show and he's a bit star struck sitting in the studio this morning.
Howard asked Wilmer what it's like to pop that hymen for the first time. Wilmer was trying to avoid answering the question. He did say that it's not like warm apple pie the first time. He said that it's really good though. Howard asked him if he can get all of the other stuff like oral and things like that. Wilmer said that you have to be into doing all of that stuff when you're in a relationship.
Wilmer said that he met Mandy and told her that she was good looking and that brought the room to a stop because no one talks to her like that. He said he went to pick her up at the hotel and her mother told him that she had changed her shirt 3 times already. He took her out to eat at and took it from there.
Howard said that he needs about 7 hours to interview this guy. He went through the list of the girls he's dated. He asked him about each girl after mentioning their names...
Wilmer told Howard that two things go through your head. He said that ''Holy shit, is this really happening?'' goes through your head and then you concentrate on lasting a long time. Howard asked him if he has to wear a big, thick rubber so he lasts a long time. Wilmer said that all of the girls are pretty normal once you get to know them.
Howard said that he's been with some pretty famous chicks and he's thought about how crazy it is when he realizes who he's banging. Wilmer said that he's been doing ''That 70's Show'' for 8 1/2 years now. It must be a normal thing for him by this time.
Howard asked Wilmer if Lindsay was anorexic when he was dating her. He said that she lost the weight after they dated so she wasn't like that when he was with her. Howard asked her if she had the bright red hair down below. Wilmer said that she didn't have any hair down there and she really pampered herself. He said that she was one of the best girls that he's had in bed too. Artie asked him if he thinks that she's a shittier actor or singer. Howard and Wilmer think that she's a good actress. Wilmer said that she's a very talented girl.
Howard asked Wilmer about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. He said that they're both wonderful people as well. Howard couldn't get over the Lindsay Lohan thing so he got back to that. He read that Lindsay was so jealous of other girls that she would erase numbers from his cell phone. Howard also asked him about Ashlee Simpson and Wilmer said he didn't do her. Howard told him that he would stick his finger up her ass if he was doing her. Wilmer was saying that he didn't have sex with her but the guys weren't going for that.
Howard asked him if he's ever had two chicks at the same time. Wilmer said he would never lie to his fans... yes, he has had two women at the same time. Howard asked him who he's with now. Wilmer said he's single right now. Howard told him that he's out of control and thought that he was lying about not having gotten Jessica Alba.
Howard saw that Wilmer owns a huge house in the San Fernando Valley. Wilmer said that he just bought Chuck Norris' house. He also talked to Howard about the new TV show he has going on with MTV. He said that the show is called ''Yo Mama'' and they do a rank out type thing with the contestants on the show. The winner gets $1,000 and then they have the best of the best come back and compete against each other.
Howard said that it doesn't get better than this guy's life. His new show starts on April 3rd on MTV. Howard asked him who he thinks is the hottest chick out there right now. He mentioned Angelina Jolie. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then went through some ''Yo Mama'' jokes. Wilmer said that he has a couple of favorites that he likes and they're going to get into some pretty harsh stuff when they play it on MTV. Howard wanted to get back to the Lindsay Lohan discussion again. He talked to Wilmer about her for a short time and then Gary came in and said he wanted to ask about a product placement thing he did on Jimmy Kimmel's show.
Howard asked Wilmer about that and Wilmer said that he does get paid to do events for that game he was promoting that day. Howard played the clip they had from that show where Wilmer plugged the game ''Halo 2.'' He worked his way into that discussion pretty smoothly though.
Howard took some phone calls for Wilmer and one guy asked if he had any video of these girls he's been with. Wilmer said that he has videotaped some of his experiences but he's erased them afterward so they don't end up on the web or something.
Double A called in and asked Wilmer if he's done anything with Alyssa Milano. Wilmer said he hasn't been with her. Double A also asked Howard if he would let Beth O work with this guy. Howard said no way to that. He asked Wilmer if he's actually bigger than 8 inches. Wilmer said he is slightly larger than 8. Howard asked if he could measure him. Robin was saying that she was getting turned on just thinking about this guy but she wasn't picturing his 8 inches or anything. Artie told her to look at him to calm herself down.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked if they get stoned for real when they're doing the scenes on ''That 70's Show.'' He said that he doesn't get stoned and never has. He swore on his family that he's never done that. Howard said most people do that stuff to forget their lives, this guy has no reason to do that.
Howard read that Wilmer is going to be in a remake of CHiPs playing the part of Ponch. Howard said he might have to come down to the set and hang out with him sometime. Howard asked him to do a quick F, Marry, Kill game. Here are the names he gave him and what Wilmer said he would do...
Wilmer said that ''That 70's Show'' is coming to an end on May 18th. He said that they were lucky enough to get a second round of syndication and Artie went nuts when he heard that. He said that this dude has to be worth about $15 million right now. Wilmer said that it's very exciting right now because the show did so well. He said that the show came to him and his family when they needed it most. He told Howard that the show will be an hour long and they'll have some behind the scenes stuff. Howard told Wilmer he wants him to come back and talk about if any of these girls have pissed his bed. He asked him if he's had anal with any of the girls, without naming names. Wilmer said 'yes' when he was asked and he wouldn't say who it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Wilmer should call in each Friday, instead of Mike Walker, and he can tell four stories and they have to figure out which one is fake. Another caller said that Artie has to shut up and let the guy talk. Artie said ''fuck you asshole'' and told him to fuck off. Howard told Wilmer he can come in anytime because he is ''the man.'' Howard said he could hang with this guy but he'd have to kill him. He said he was able to hang out with Stamos even though it's a little intimidating. Artie said you get hit with ''pussy shrapnel'' when you hang around guys like that though. Howard took one last call for Wilmer and the guy said that he's a great guest because he was actually talking about this stuff on the show. Howard wrapped up after that call.
Sal Pranked After Racist Comments. 05/24/06. 6:00am
Howard said he had to interrupt that stuff to get to something that happened with Sal yesterday. He was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday saying that the reason that Miss Howard Stern has a half-black child is because she drinks so much. Everyone called him on it during the show and told him that he was racist. He played some audio clips of Sal talking about that stuff with Gary and Jon Hein. Gary told him that he was totally racist by saying that stuff but Sal didn't think he was being racist at all. Gary moved the show along to try and save Sal from digging a deeper hole for himself.
Howard said that Sal was taken out of the studio by Ronnie this morning so he wouldn't hear all of this stuff. He said that in the same show a guy called in to call Sal out on the comments. The guy said that he was basically saying that only an ugly white woman would be with a black man. Sal said that he thinks that the only way Andrea would be with a black man is if she was drunk or on drugs. Sal was digging the hole even deeper with his comments and Jon Hein let him know that.
Sal continued to go on and on so Artie told Howard that they should have let him keep going because he sounded so nuts. Howard said that Gary came and told him about all of that yesterday and said that Sal was going nuts thinking he was going to get fired. They wanted to prank Sal so they were going to have Scott Greenstein call him or something like that.
Gary and Howard had a phony Human Resources person call Sal and tell him that he has to tape an apology. Sal put her on hold and put Gary on the phone. Sal thought it was fake but Gary told him that it was real and put him back on the phone. She told Sal that they needed an apology to be recorded and that he was going to have to go through some sensitivity training.
Gary told Howard that Will told him that the reason Sal handed him the phone was because he got so scared that he didn't know what to say. He also said that Sal came to him later on with the CD with his apology on it so Howard played the apology. Sal made the apology and said that he respects all races and said that he was sorry for what he said on the Wrap Up Show the day before. Artie said the only problem with the apology is that it was too short.
Howard told Gary that they should have him explain all of his comments from the show. He wanted a longer apology. Gary said that Sal was really paranoid about the whole thing and he thinks that he's going to get fired for the whole thing.
Howard had another audio clip of Richard and Sal talking about the whole thing in their office. Sal apparently didn't know that Richard was recording him. Sal said he couldn't believe that all of this was going on and that he was probably going to get fired. He was explaining himself to Richard and Richard said he had his back on the whole thing.
Howard thinks that they should let Sal go through the whole apology thing and play it on the Wrap Up Show before breaking it to him that he's been scammed. He played more of Sal and Richard's conversation and then said that he was going to change gears because Sal was on his way back to his office.
Artie's Best Damn Sports Show Appearance. 05/24/06. 6:15am
Howard got back to Artie's The Best Damn Sports Show audio clip. Howard said that the reaction from the guys on the show when Artie cracked a joke about OJ Simpson killing two people was crazy. They acted as if what he said was wrong. Artie kept going with that subject but they tried to change subjects. Artie kept bringing up stuff about OJ having blood in his truck and things like that and they wanted to just move on. The audience was laughing but they refused to even acknowledge that he might possibly be guilty.
Howard said it was a weird clip to him because the guys were so uncomfortable with the subject. Artie said if you see the video, the guys were laughing, it just doesn't come across like that in the audio. Howard said he thinks it's funny how those guys are afraid to say what they think about OJ. Howard said he only saw a few seconds of that show but it sounded funny.
Howard talked about his parents and how his father really didn't have a lot of interest in his life. He still doesn't ask about how the kids are doing or anything like that. He gets filtered information through his mother instead.
Artie said that he really likes this show ''Rescue Me'' with Dennis Leary because they have a Charles Durning playing his father and when they speak on the phone, they have subtitles where they show what they mean when they're talking to each other. He said the father will say something about the Mets and the subtitle will say something like ''I love you son, it's good to hear from you...'' That's almost what Howard was saying his father seems to be doing when he calls and talks about anything but his family or loving him.
Sal's Apology For Racist Comments. 05/24/06. 6:30am
Howard cut everyone off and went to a live feed from Gary's office where Gary and Sal were arguing about the racist comments and how Sal had to re-record the apology he recorded earlier. Howard wanted to keep it a surprise for Sal so he was going to cut that off and replay it later. He said it's amazing tape and he wants to hold off on that until later.
Howard suggested that they have Sal apologize to Robin since she's black. She suggested that they have one of the security guards call him out on it as well. Howard tuned back into the Sal and Gary thing and Sal was in the middle of recording his new apology. Sal was stumped and didn't know what to say. Richard was in the room with him and tried to help him out a little bit.
Sal was apologizing for the comments he made and said that he was just making a joke. Howard, Artie and Robin were all laughing as they listened in. Sal said ''sincerely'' a bunch of times while he was recording the apology. He was unaware that Howard was listening to the live recording session. Howard wanted to go to break and wanted to cut off the feed but he tuned back in. He asked Scott how he could cut that feed off because it was coming out through Fred's board.
Howard said that the recording session had better be getting recorded. He then asked Scott to put it back on but it wasn't happening so he was going to give up. Artie said that this is why the show is so funny and it really should win some kind of award because it is so fuckin' funny.
Howard went to the live feed again and Richard was telling Sal not to let this stress him out so much. Sal said he knew that this was going to end up being blown out of proportion even more. Howard told Scott to kill it again because Sal may have been listening in. Howard asked Scott to cut it off a bunch of times and eventually went to commercial break.
The Sal Scam Revealed. 05/24/06. 6:50am
After the break Howard said that they were going to have Sal come in and apologize for something (keeping the scam going). Gary said that Sal was very upset and wasn't going to come in and apologize to Robin like Human resources asked him to do. Gary explained that Sal made some comments on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Sal came in a short time later and said that Human Resources is crazy. He's not sure why they want him to do it but they want him to apologize to Robin.
Sal explained that he made some comments about Miss Howard Stern and her daughter and now he's been asked to record an apology for the comments he made. Howard told Sal that he didn't want to waste time with this crap, he just wants him to apologize to Robin and get him out of here.
Sal said that he's gotten about 4 phone calls from Human Resources and it's driving him crazy. He said that he didn't know that he was making racist comments. Howard pretended that he had no idea what was going on and asked Sal what he was saying on the air. Sal explained to Howard and Robin that he made comments about Miss Howard Stern yesterday when he saw her walking down the hall during the Wrap Up Show. Sal insisted that it was just a joke but Gary said that it didn't sound like a joke when he was saying it.
Howard told Sal that it was all a goof and they had the audio of the call that 'Human Resources' made to him. Sal asked how all of that happened and how the scam unfolded. Howard told Sal they had everything recorded so he went through the whole joke. Artie told Sal that he did say something racist and just because this was a scam doesn't mean that it wasn't racist.
Howard played the audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Sal made the comments about drugs and alcohol led to Miss Howard Stern having a half-black baby. Gary and Jon called him out on it immediately but Sal didn't think his comments were racist. Howard told Sal that he's a ''fuckin' retard.'' He then played the audio from the Wrap Up Show where Sal was defending his comments to a phone caller.
Howard asked Sal if he really thinks his comments were reasonable. Sal said that the subject wasn't the black thing, it was all about the drugs and alcohol. Howard went on to play the clip of Sal getting the call from Human Resources and handing the phone over to Gary because he was so freaked out. He was asked to record an apology for his comments during that call.
Howard said that Sal went in and recorded the apology which is what they played earlier in the morning. Howard told Sal that the apology wasn't good enough so they had him record another one. Howard played his first one where Sal said that he has respect for all races. Artie got a laugh out of that one.
Howard played the audio where Richard recorded a conversation he had with Sal about the apology. Sal didn't know he was being recorded at that time so he got pissed at Richard. They were talking about trying to get Howard to extend the show until noon so they wouldn't have to play the apology on The Wrap Up Show. Sal was also talking about his black friends and how he really doesn't think his comments were racist.
Howard said that they told Sal that he had to re-cut that apology. He started to play the second apology but he wanted the raw feed from the studio as Sal was recording it. Gary said he would get that for him in a minute. Richard was working on it so Howard spent a minute talking to Sal about the whole thing. Robin heard that Sal started to cry but Sal said he did get teary eyed but didn't actually cry.
Howard got the audio feed from when Gary told Sal that he had to re-record the apology. Sal was going nuts when he heard that the first one wasn't good enough. Gary was telling Sal that he should have just fessed up and admitted that he was being racist. Sal talked to Richard about how much bullshit the apology was. Then he went into the recording of the apology.
Howard played the second apology and as soon as Sal said ''Hi, this is Sal Governale...'' Artie started to laugh. Sal explained his joke about white women not having sex with black women unless they're drunk was just a joke. Robin said that had to be one of the worst apologies she's ever heard. Howard told Sal that he was a douche bag and he should have let the joke keep going for a week.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Sal that he's a dick head for not realizing that he was being scammed again. Another guy said that in the past Howard would have dragged this on for five days. He's in a different place now and couldn't keep dragging it out.
Ralph called in and goofed on Sal's ''Hi, this is Sal Governale'' comment. Howard said it was like a general manager getting on the air to apologize for something that happened on the air. One of the callers had suggested that Sal go down to Shade 45 and apologize to them for his comments. Howard said that would have been funny. Jessica Hahn called in and said that Mutt from SternFanNetwork.com shut down the site so Sal couldn't read about what was going on.
Jessica also asked Howard if Mutt could get in on the Artie Roast. Howard said that they only have 30 chairs and it's kind of ridiculous how many people want to get in on that. Even Artie asked for six tickets. Gary told Howard that a bunch of people have been requesting seats and they just don't have enough seats for the roast.
Howard got back to Sal's apology clip and replayed it. Everyone was laughing at Sal's explanation for his comments. Howard said they really should have sent Sal down to Shade 45 to apologize. Bob Levy called in and said that this was the greatest day of his life. He said that Sal called him yesterday and he was crying to him about what was going on. He said it would have been great if they had sent him down to Shade 45 to apologize.
Sal thanked everyone for goofing on him. Howard told him to go down to Shade 45 and just apologize anyway. He wanted to hear the aborted apology that he started to record during the second recording session. Gary said they were trying to find it but it was going to take a minute. Howard replayed the first apology and continued to goof on him about the whole thing.
Robin and Howard were asking Sal about his thoughts on Andrea and if he really believes that she would never have slept with a black guy if she hadn't used booze and drugs. Sal said he really doesn't know. Sal started to dig himself even deeper and said he would never have sex with a Chinese person because he's not into them... but he likes them in general. He said he likes Chinese food and Chinese people. Howard went right into his apology tape again.
Howard asked Sal if he really thinks that the only reason for a white woman to sleep with a black man is because she's on drugs and alcohol. Sal said he was just making a joke based on statistics. No one knew what statistics he was talking about though.
Howard got a hold of the aborted apology that Sal had made during that recording session. Sal had started to explain himself but bailed out on it halfway through. Howard then went into a song about crying and played some of Sal's apology over the song. They were goofing on Sal's ''Hi, this is Sal...'' comment and saying that it was the voice he puts on when he's bullshitting people.
Sal apologized to everyone as Howard was wrapping up the segment. Fred played Sal's ''Shake'' rap song as he was leaving.
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Ronnie Wins Asshole Award For Behavior At Bubba's Wedding. 01/16/07. 6:45am
Howard took a call from a guy who asked who made the biggest ass of himself at the wedding. Howard heard that it was Ronnie because he was acting out in a way that was very embarrassing. He said he's been told to talk to Ronnie because of his behavior. He said he heard that at the wedding Ronnie, who thinks he's Hugh Hefner now, was getting out of hand. He heard that he got up and started cursing at the wedding and dirty dancing with some chick. She had a boyfriend there and he was going to kick his ass. Ronnie said that wasn't true. He spoke to the guy and he was fine with that.
Ronnie said that one of Bubba's people there helped him embarrass himself. He said he did get a little drunk and he didn't think it was that bad. Then he stared doing tequila shots with Artie. Howard told him to tell the truth and Ronnie said he was. He said he kept getting shot after shot from 25 Cent over there. Then something snapped in his head after too many shots. He went to one of Bubba's people and asked if he should do this thing he was going to do. That person, who remained nameless, told him to go for it and brought him to the microphone. That's when he got up and did this thing in front of everyone. It was his ''Lets fuck some whores'' catch phrase that no one even knew he had. Howard asked him why it was important for him to say that. Ronnie claimed he thought that all of the kids were gone so it shouldn't have been that big of a deal.
Howard said he blames himself for Ronnie's behavior and he's really gotten carried away with himself. Ronnie said that he will apologize to Bubba but he won't apologize to Howard. Howard said that Ronnie went up at the wedding and made a speech that was embarrassing. He had some audio from that so he had Fred play it. In the clip Ronnie was cursing out this girl's boyfriend when people reminded him he was at a wedding where there were kids. Then he as throwing out the f-word and telling Bubba's wife to get up there.
Howard told Ronnie he's got to stop doing stuff like that because it embarrasses him and his show. He said it's not funny when he yells out ''Lets fuck some whores'' and things like that. Howard said he might have to speak to Ronnie off the air because he really wants him to stop with this stuff. Ronnie said he will have this conversation off the air then. He sounded pissed that Howard was bringing this up on the air.
Howard told Ronnie that his new catch phrase was ''Lets fuck up Howard's reputation.'' Ronnie said that he wasn't working down there on Saturday night so he shouldn't have to stop doing what he wants to do. Howard told him that he's not funny when he does that stuff. Ronnie said he heard him the first time and yelled at Howard as he was doing that. Howard told him not to yell at him. He told him he was at a wedding and should have been in control of himself.
Howard told Ronnie he just won the Asshole Award for his behavior down there. Ronnie started to walk out but quickly came back to defend himself some more. He said he knows that what he did was wrong but he couldn't take it back. Howard told him not to drink tequila shots anymore. He gets way out of control with that stuff. Ronnie said he almost didn't come in this morning because he didn't want to go through this. He said that the one person at the wedding who should be taking the blame is the guy who told him it would be a good idea to do what he did. That person, who was still being kept nameless, told Ronnie it would be a good idea.
Howard told Ronnie that he thinks his tattoo ink is poisoning his brain or something. He said that Ronnie's wife is such an angel and he can't imagine that she likes his behavior. Artie thanked Ronnie because he could have easily taken asshole of the weekend award if Ronnie didn't do what he did.
Howard said that there are rules for his show and for the way his staff acts outside the show. Artie said that it wasn't really work but it was kind of work in a way. They should have all been on good behavior. Howard said Bubba has some nice family and they probably walk away thinking that Howard Stern is classless when they see his staff acting like that. He thinks he should talk to Ronnie about his behavior so he knows how to act out in public. They all get labeled as bad people when something like that happens.
Bubba's Rattler, Phone Calls And More. 01/16/07. 7:00am
Howard said that Bubba pulled out his ''rattler'' pill thing at the wedding so he asked him if he had taken a Cialis for his wedding night. Then Bubba took one of the pills and took it during the wedding. Howard figured he as going to have a boner the whole time. He thinks that he might be addicted to the things or something. That led to Artie talking about going on Bubba's show on Friday. He said that they were in a commercial when Bubba asked him if he wanted anything from his Rattler. He said Bubba offered him some Vikodin and Percocet but Artie actually turned them down. The drugs he was offering him were opiates and he can't do that stuff because it would be like him getting back on heroin.
Artie said that Bubba was only offering up half pills and there's no way he could get off on that. He said he wasn't going to take them anyway but half a pill wouldn't work for him. He also thanked Brent for treating him so well that night and apologized to him for dragging him to the bar that night.
Howard said that after the wedding he was brought out to his car in the back. He said that Bubba and Heather were back there and the preacher was with them. The preacher asked for a kiss from Heather while they were standing outside.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has been fired for doing stuff like Ronnie did at the wedding. Howard said he wasn't going to fire him but he was kind of an embarrassment. He said he's kind of like that retarded brother you're embarrassed of. Another caller said that maybe Ronnie should be replaced with Joey Boots who might appreciate his job. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with Ronnie's work, just his behavior at the party.
Howard took a call from a guy down in Tampa who said he was there at the wedding. He thought that Ralph was more of an embarrassment than Ronnie was. The guy said Ralph looked at him as if he was nothing and walked away. Howard said he had a better story about Ralph. He said Ralph has a persona of arrogance about him and it's kind of scary because he kind of looks like him. He said Ralph went over to the Dollhouse and one of the girls thought it was actually him and stared making out with him.
Howard said Doug was out to eat one morning and heard some guys talking about seeing Howard out and he was shorter and uglier than he thought he was. A friend corrected that guy and said that it was probably Ralph he had actually seen. They've been getting mistaken for each other for a while now.
Howard said that Ralph tried cutting into the buffet line at one point and when they got back to the table, he told some people that Ralph was acting like an asshole. That eventually led to Ralph hearing that and leaving the table. Robin said she didn't see him at the end of the night.
Howard took a couple of phone calls. Bobo called in and asked Howard if he got horny on the plane and banged Beth. Howard said he didn't do that and he's never done it on an airplane. Artie said there was no room to do that on the plane with all of the food they had. Howard talked about how tight things were there with Artie. He said he had to hand him his food and stuff as he was eating.
Bobo asked Howard if he got a massage down there. Howard said he didn't get one but Beth did. That led to Robin saying that she saw Tim Sabean down there getting a massage and it was shocking to see him there. Tim was afraid that she saw his penis but she said she didn't look down so she didn't see it. Gary came in and said that Robin's nipples were poking through her gown even though it was very thick.
More Stories From Bubba's Wedding Weekend. 01/16/07. 7:15am
Howard said that the Howard TV coverage of the wedding will be on this Wednesday night. They will do a quick one for that show and they'll have more coverage in February. Bobo asked what it was that Sal had said about Gary's wife when they were on Bubba's show on Friday. Artie didn't want to say what it was even though he knew. He said that Bubba actually bleeped it off the show down there.
Sal said that he was doing his Fake Howard impression when he said what he said. The guys had the audio from the show so Howard played that. In the clip Sal, as Fake Howard, says that he fucked Gary's wife in the ass. Bubba then cut him off and said that it was actually Sal, as Howard, saying that. It really wasn't all that bad but Howard said it wasn't even that good.
Howard read some notes that Sal sent him about what went on out there at the wedding with the chocolate fountain. He said that Artie as eating the donuts that he had dipped in the chocolate like it was his last day on earth. Howard said when you see Artie eating it's like watching a maestro working with an orchestra.
Gary told a story about how tired Artie was when he showed up down there. He said that they were all hanging out on Saturday when he realized that it was like 3 in the afternoon and he hadn't showed up. He tried calling Artie to make sure he was okay. He said he was going to have to get security to go check his room. He called at 5:20 in the afternoon and he was still asleep. He said Artie freaked out when he picked up the phone because he had been asleep all afternoon. They had to leave about 20 minutes from then.
Howard said that's Artie's move and he has to be treated like a little kid because he doesn't do anything on his own. Artie pointed out that maybe that's why Dana got fed up with all of that stuff. Howard said he was even holding Artie's Coca Cola on the plane for him.
Howard asked Gary about Ronnie's behavior at the wedding. Gary said that they were in Bubba's world down there and they should have been on their best behavior. Artie said that if Ronnie wasn't affiliated with their show, and he was part of Bubba's show, Bubba probably would have dropped his ass.
Sal said that Ralph was out of control down there with his arrogance. He said that he walked by him after his wife had gone to the bathroom. Ralph saw a pina colada sitting there, asked whose it was and stole it. Sal claims that he told him to just order another one and bill it to Howard's room like he does.
Howard said Richard was down there blowing a fake penis and had a fake load being blown on his face. He watched the video of that and described what was going on. That was all going on during their appearance on Bubba's show. Howard said that Sal and Richard were making out in a shower over there. They were pretending to fuck each other in the ass and stuff too. Howard said that's the gayest they've ever acted.
Howard said that Sal used to not show his penis on video but now he does it all the time. Gary wondered what they tell their girlfriends and wives after doing that stuff. They said that they probably don't know what they were doing.
Howard said he really loves Gary's wife and had a nice conversation with her. He also mentioned that Richard Christy's girlfriend has a great body. Benjy's girlfriend Sheila is very cute too and no one can figure out how he got her. He said that Benjy was acting very normal down there though. Richard said that Benjy went parasailing while they were there and it was amazing when it actually took off.
Howard told a quick story about Sal sticking his face in Steve Langford's face when they were out on Bubba's boat. They showed some video of that in the studio as that story was being told. Steve had to lay down on the boat when Bubba gunned it because he was so scared.
Howard mentioned that Tricia Helfer was there so he had to take a break and get her in there. He said it might be a bad interview because he's just having her in because she's so hot. He went to break right after that.
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Chris Rock Visits. 03/14/07. 7:45am
Howard said that Chris Rock was there so he had the guys bring him in. Howard said he's tried to have a personal relationship with Chris but things don't always work out. Chris came in and started shaking everyone's hands. Howard said he doesn't do that when he goes on Letterman. Chris said he does that with Paul Shaffer though.
Howard said that Chris' wife hates him so that's probably why he can't get the personal relationship going with him. Howard said he ran into Chris and his wife out at a restaurant one night and he was with a black woman so you'd think that would have softened her up. It didn't work. Chris said that he loves Howard and he's told his wife that if he was on the radio for 5 hours a day, he'd be just as disgusting as Howard is. Howard said his act is kind of disgusting though.
Howard said he thinks he may have a problem with Chris and he might lecture him too much. Chris said he might respect Howard too much. Artie said that Howard does lecture a lot so that could be the problem. Howard said he does think he knows a lot of stuff and he doesn't know when to stop.
Chris asked Howard what he's thinking with this whole marriage thing. He asked him why he's going back to Shawshank and why he'd get out of that and then go back. He said that he's making a mistake and he's going to ruin this girl's personality by doing that. He told Howard that his girl isn't going anywhere. Chris wanted to know what he did that made him come to that conclusion. Howard said they've been together for 7 years now. Chris cut him off and kept asking him why?
Howard changed the subject and asked Chris about his new movie ''I Think I Love My Wife'' which is coming out soon. He said he read the press notes about how Chris decided to remake this movie that was actually a French movie. They were all over the place with different subjects after that. Howard said that Chris has gotten into that Oprah camp and was helping out down in New Orleans after Katrina. He asked him what it's like to have Oprah as a friend. Chris said they're not that close but he will call her and talk to her once in a while.
Howard asked Chris how he gets invited to go to South Africa with Oprah. Chris said that they hair to pay for their own airfare but once they were there, all of the stuff was taken care of. Chris said that most of the people down there were Oprah's black friends other than John Travolta. Oprah put everyone up at a hotel and they all just hung out. Chris said they all got in touch with their blackness down there. Howard wondered if he hung out with Gayle King. Chris said he actually hung out with Chris Tucker.
Robin asked Chris if the trip to South Africa got him to stop using the N-word. Chris said that hasn't happened and he threw out the N-word a couple of times. Howard asked him if it's hard for him to do stand-up now and try out new material since people expect so much from him. Chris said he went to a couple of clubs on Sunday night and did some stuff. He said most of it worked and he's working on going out on the road again.
Artie said Chris went on after him a few years ago and people went berserk for him. They're just happy to see Chris come up on stage. Chris said he goes out to clubs all the time to try stuff out. Artie said he used to watch Chris working out some of his material and he'd be doing it on a Tuesday night with 8 people in the club.
Chris said he was talking to Colin Quinn the other night after Richard Jeni blew his brains out. He said he wanted to call anyone who might be on that list of other guys who might blow their brains out and talk to them. Artie said he can put his name on that list. Chris said that Richard Jeni was a sad bastard even for a comedian. He said that the guy was the best of that class of guys from the mid-80s. He thinks that it was eating away at Jeni that people like Seinfeld went on to become such big stars.
Chris got back to Howard's engagement and goofed on him about that a little more. Howard told Chris that he's very happy and he's taking that leap because he is so happy. Chris told him to just throw her $10 million and get it over with. Chris said that Howard was so happy after his divorce. He said he represented happiness to him when he got that divorce. Chris said that this is even crazier than Jeni blowing his brains out. He said that and Gilbert having a kid on the way is crazy too. He said Howard's news was the most tragic of all of those stories.
Howard asked Chris what's going on with his marriage. Chris said he's married and he's still in that. He's not getting divorced like some articles said a while back. Howard said Chris can't get pussy on the side. Chris said he wasn't getting any except when he was separated from his wife. Howard went over the story about this woman who was trying to get money from him claiming that she was pregnant with his baby.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his movie which is coming out this Friday. He wanted to know what kind of pressure he was under but Chris turned it around on him and said he's the one getting married, he's going to be under pressure. He reminded Howard how miserable he was when he was stuck in his basement when he was married. Howard said he was kind of making him think but wanted him to stop. Chris continued to goof on Howard and this whole marriage thing. Howard wondered what it is that makes women turn when they get married. Chris said that its' the title that the woman gets. A girlfriend is always auditioning and that's why it's all good until the marriage.
Chris told Howard there's nothing good about making a woman your wife. He told Howard he's got all of that money and he's getting married. He thinks he's nuts. He doesn't think Howard should get rid of that option to go out and bang chicks. He should never give up that option. Chris said Beth is a great girl though. Howard said Chris' wife is gorgeous too but she's not what he'd call fun. Chris kept picking on Howard over and over about the marriage thing, reminding Howard just how miserable he was when he was married.
Howard was eventually able to change subjects and asked Chris about his mother suing Cracker Barrel over not getting served quickly. Chris talked a little bit about that. Chris turned the discussion right back to Howard's engagement when they were talking about his movie again.
Howard wanted to know more about the pressure Chris was under making this movie. Chris told Howard how he didn't even want to direct this movie but the movie company wanted him to do it. He said that Spielberg actually told him to try out the directing thing. He directed Head of State and Spielberg thought that he should direct more so he went with this one and tried it out. Howard said there must be a lot of pressure because it could mean the end of his career if it doesn't do well. Howard asked him how much he needs to make for it to be successful. Chris said he just needs people to like it. He said that Ebert and Roeper (Chris called them Siskel and Ebert) actually liked the movie.
Chris told Howard that if he just stays engaged that might be okay. Howard said he was really hating this interview because he feels like a douche bag. Chris was scaring him and freaking him out. Chris said that he was the Ghost of Pussy Past today. He said that he's going to be really miserable when Beth stops fuckin' him. Howard said they were really bumming him out. He said Chris knows what he's talking about and it was really scaring him. Robin said that Howard did this to Chris and to other people as well so now Chris is returning the favor.
Howard said when they do get married, they're going to keep it small. Beth has even said they want to keep it just an engagement. Chris said that's what they should do then. Robin told Chris that Howard didn't have anything better to get for Beth on Valentine's day. Howard said this was really a rough day for him. Everyone was piling on top and pounding the marriage thing into him.
Howard asked Chris about his mom suing Cracker Barrel again and wondered what he did when he heard about it. Chris said she does have her own radio show and stuff. Gary asked him if it freaked him out when his mother went and got Al Sharpton involved. Chris said he just goes into his basement and looks at his fish tank... like Howard used to do in his basement. Howard said he had a 7,500 gallon tank in his basement and he got it just before the divorce. He figured Chris was getting to that point but Chris said they're doing fine.
Chris said he's got a 2 year old and a 4 year old so Howard told him he's got to hang in there for at least one more year. Chris got back to the movie career and said that he hopes that people just like this movie of his. They have some hot chicks in the movie and spent a minute talking about that. Howard asked Chris about the chicks and tried to find out if Chris was in love with his co-star. Chris figured Howard was trying to get him back. Howard said he's looking at Chris and figures he fucked her. He asked him if he did that and if he fingered her. Chris said he doesn't have feelings for her at all. There are lots of gorgeous girls out there and he's not fucking any of them.
Howard got a hold of a picture of Chris' co-star and said she's got a great ass. Howard said Chris has to be lying and the picture was actually from his trailer. Howard got back to the Oprah discussion and told Chris that he was hanging out with Oprah's friend Gayle King at a party one night. He said they had a meeting of the minds that night.
Howard asked Chris about Richard Jeni since he was pretty close to the guy. Robin said it was kind of wrong that he joked about his death on Letterman the other night. Chris said that Richard would have told people to go see his movie if he was still around when he was on Letterman.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Chris kind of screwed him over this morning with the marriage talk. He also asked Chris about his wife hating Howard and figured that she probably dislikes Chris as well. Howard said that could be right.
Howard asked Chris how much porn he's got in his house. He said he really doesn't keep it in his house because it's so easy to rent that stuff. Gary said they could give him a box of stuff if he wanted it. Chris told a story about Rick Rubin giving him a crate full of porn one time and how pissed off he got after not leaving his house for four days watching porn. He said he passed that crate along to Mario Joyner and he called him up 4 days later angry that he had given him a crate full of porn.
Howard asked Chris about doing coke and found out that he has tried it. During that discussion Chris mentioned Dice's reality TV show and how sad it was to watch. He said he likes Dice but that show is depressing. The caller on the line asked Howard to give a date for when Chris is going to actually leave his wife. Howard said it will be one year from today. Chris said that they've been telling him that for about 10 years now.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his movie and Chris really appreciated the way he was all business when he gives a plug for something. Chris said that if the movie fails, he'll be looking for seat next to Artie. He said maybe he can sit in the next time Artie is in rehab. Artie asked him what he's doing next week.
Howard asked Chris what other comedians he thinks would have blown their brains out before Richard Jeni. Chris said it is kind of odd that Carrot Top is still walking around while Jeni is dead. He also mentioned Yackof Smirnoff in that discussion.
The caller told Howard to play some of the Oprah audio clips they had there. Howard played the clips which were edited down from her audio book by Richard Christy. They had Oprah saying all kinds of disgusting things. Chris told Howard to just leave Oprah alone and said he can't imagine spending that much time editing those clips.
Howard asked Chris about doing Inside the Actor's Studio. Chris said it was kind of surreal doing that show. He said they shot about 4 hours of show and edited it down to 2 hours. Howard said he was offered that show and he thought it would be cool to do it. Chris said that guy will kiss his ass like crazy if he does it. Howard said his agent told him to turn it down so it looks like he won't be doing it.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Chris if he's into Scientology. Chris said he's not into that yet. Gary came in and said that Chris was saying that he had never seen naked chicks up there but they had a couple coming in shortly. Chris said he had to get going to do other radio shows. Howard figured his wife would have a problem with it. Gary figures that if they just brought the girls in, it would be fine. Chris said that's about right.
Howard told Gary to bring the chicks in. The naked basketball chicks came in a short time later. Howard introduced one of the girls, Nyomi Banxxx, to Chris and said she could probably rock his world. He said Chris looked kind of nervous. Gary said he looked like an 8th grader at the school dance. Chris said hello to the other girl, Olivia, and then Howard showed him some of the video of the girls playing naked basketball. Howard said he didn't want to embarrass Chris and let the girls go a short time later.
Howard wished Chris luck on this new movie. He said he's very excited for him and he likes the premise for the movie. He said he thinks Chris is the funniest stand-up comic out there and he's said that for a long time. Artie said it is hard to think of anyone else who is as funny as Chris. Artie said it would be hard to argue that Chris isn't the best comedian ever. Chris said that Richard Pryor was probably the best. He and Artie talked about how great that guy was.
Howard said that Eddie Murphy was great but Chris has outdone them all. He said Chris' comedy album is the best of all time as far as he's concerned. Artie said that no one would think Howard was crazy for saying that Chris is the best.
Howard talked to Chris about Eddie Murphy knocking up Scary Spice and wondered what he thought about that. Chris said it's fine as long as you're not married. Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had some James Brown audio clips. They had James telling Chris how great he was. That led to Chris talking about how he had worked with James Brown on Miami Vice about 20 years ago and how much fun that guy was. He said he had a guy who combed his hair for him. He said one day he had James grab his hair and tell him to put vinegar in his hair and turn it. He had no idea what that meant.
Howard said that James Brown had people around him who had to call him ''Mr. Brown'' all the time. He lived like a star. The guys talked about Brown for a few minutes and some of the crazy stuff he did in his life. Howard let James Brown go and Chris said that if the guy was still around and actually on the phone, the interview probably wouldn't have been any different.
Howard wrapped up with Chris and wished him luck with the movie again. He wondered if he's going to have a bad weekend if the movie doesn't do well. Chris said he'll be cool either way. They spent a little more time talking about how the marketing departments work with movie companies. Chris said when they were casting for Lethal Weapon 4, they made up a poster with a bunch of guys on it and the guy who got the most excitement from the audience got the part. That's how Chris got the part in that movie.
Howard took a couple more calls before going to commercial break. One guy thought it was great that Chris came in there and gave Howard the right hook over the marriage thing. Howard talked about how horrible marriage was for so many years and it was great to hear him getting some of that back. Howard went to break a short time later.
Next on Best of Howard we heard Shaw Blades cover of ''When I See Beth Smiling.'' The show was over around 12:05pm.
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Penthouse Pets Heather Vandeven And Justine Jolie Visit. 04/12/07. 8:15am
(The whole interview was edited out) Howard had the girls get on the Sybian. Artie told them that they blew Playboy chicks away as they were getting on the machine. Will came in and asked if they could spray them down with oil. Howard told him to get out of there and leave them alone. The girls figured out how to sit on the thing together and got ready to go. Gary started up the machine after the girls were already touching each other and making out. Justine said that Heather's nipples were very hard already. Gary turned up the speed of the Sybian and the girls started moaning, making out and talking.
One of the girls was rubbing the other's clit a little bit. Howard said they had a porno going in there. One of the girls was biting the other's nipple and begging her to do it more. Then one of the girls finished so Howard told Gary to turn it down. Howard asked Justine what was going on because she could barely walk. She had shaky legs. Both of them said that they came while on that thing. Justine said she thinks she finished before Heather did. Howard thanked them for that performance and gave them some more plugs for their stuff. He went to break after that.
Riley Martin Show And Gary Garver Interview Clips. 06/13/07. 6:20am
Howard said they really love their science fiction stories. He said that Gary Garver went out to a Star Wars convention and got some interviews. He had Gary get Gary Garver on the phone so he could talk to him about that. Garver interviewed one guy who stayed in his helmet while he was being interviewed. He was muffled and could barely hear Garver's questions. Garver asked him what character he was playing and if he had picked up any girls in his costume. The guy claimed he had.
Howard played another clip where Garver asked another character, Darth Nihilus, about his character and then asked him if he lives at home with his mother. He also asked him if he feels gay for being into Star Wars. The guy started to get angry with the questions and asked Gary the same things. The guy said that Garver was acting like an asshole. Garver shot back at him saying he was an asshole for dressing the way he did. Howard told him that maybe he shouldn't goof on people and just interview them. Baba Booey told Howard that the character was from a video game, not even from one of the movies.
Howard played another clip where Garver interviewed another guy in a mask. The guy didn't like the line of questioning and told Gary that they were retarded. The guy walked away from him after a couple of questions that he didn't like. Garver said that the guy was dressed up like one of those Stormtroopers. Howard said that he should just let the people answer their questions instead of goofing on them the way he was. He wouldn't even let the people answer anything without goofing on them. Howard told Gary he's really not better than these people because he's done some strange things in his life as well. They brought up how his ex-wife was saying that he was stalking her. Garver said that wasn't true and he never did that. He said he wasn't stalking her, he was just talking to her.
Howard and the guys talked to Garver about the bible passages he was writing out and how odd that was. Garver said he was doing that for himself, not for his ex-wife. He was going through some tough times back then. He hasn't been going to church that much these days but he still reads the bible. They were saying that Garver is a really angry guy but Garver claims he's not. Howard said that a lot of angry guys read the bible like that. Garver insisted that he's not angry. Then they brought up how he beat up his brother out in Las Vegas one time. Garver explained that and said he deserved it. Howard told Garver that he should probably study the way of the Jedi to keep himself calm. Garver said he likes Star Trek better so that probably won't happen.
Fred told a story about how his brother used to beat him up when he was a kid. Howard told him to go beat him up now since he boxes as a hobby these days. Fred said he thinks they're too old for that now. Gary (Baba) also had a story to tell about seeing a fight one time between a couple of sisters. He said it was a full on, hair pulling fight.
Gary told Howard that the one guy they had just listened to was this character Jango Fett (he was saying Jingo) so Howard spent a couple of minutes going over that. Richard came in and told them some stories about how Jango is the father of Boba Fett and filled them in on the details. He also said that the character Darth Nihilus in that video game doesn't even talk, he just makes a series of noises. Artie said it would be great if they had a Howard Stern Convention where the fans dress up as the characters from the show. They mentioned some of the names of the people who have been mentioned on the show over the years and how the more obscure they are, the cooler they'd be. Howard said it would be great if there were like 30,000 Howard's and only one JD.
The guys threw around names like Dead Air Dave and Andre who were the guys who pushed the delay button over the years. There was Luis the Board Op, Cabbie, Bucky, Tom Chiusano, Kathy Tobin. Artie said that someone could be Gary Garver.
Richard asked Garver how many people have signed up on his web site. He said he's got about 5 subscribers right now. He said that it's only $5 a month so it's not all that bad. He's got video clips up there and he had Blue Iris on recently. He said he's had Penthouse Pet Charlie Lane on with him and she's going to be co-hosting the show with him soon. He said the shows are put up for free over there. He's got other exclusive clips of his interviews there for the paid subscribers.
Richard said that Gary should just fight people on there because he's so angry. Garver asked why they think he's so angry. Howard said that he was antagonizing those guys so he could have just let them be. Howard gave Gary a plug for his web site GaryGarver.com and let him go.
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Howard Done With Helping Artie. 05/24/07. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: The Jack and Rod Show with Hawk McKinney prank phone call, Aerosmith performing ''Pink'' live in Howard's K-Rock studio.
Howard was starting the show when Robin interrupted and said that Artie called both Howard and Gary Jerks on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard said he heard about that and now he'll never, ever attempt to bring a girl in for Artie. He said that it's kind of hard to meet women and he thought he was going to help Artie out by bringing in that Jennifer chick. He said he would love it if someone tried to help him out like that if he needed to meet some women. He said that Fred met his wife on the show like that. He told Artie that his reaction to the whole thing was really bizarre.
Robin said that she did what she could to help Howard out with Angie Everhart not knowing that Howard had already been with him. Gary said that he has a segment set up for next week and he's wondering if he should cancel it. Gary said the woman claims to be a female Artie. Howard told him to cancel the segment, he's not having any women in on the show for Artie no matter who it is. Gary asked if Artie felt hard up when they hooked him up and let him feel Carmen Electra's boobs. Artie said ''Um, no.''
Howard played the audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Artie was going off on Howard for ''helping out his bro'' and getting all irritated about the whole thing. Howard told Artie that if that's the way he's going to react to someone trying to help him, he's not going to do it anymore. Artie said he could do it off the air but Howard said ''fuck that'' to him about that. Howard said if he's hard up, he'd want someone to help him out with chicks like that. He doesn't get the reaction. Howard told Artie he's gotten his wish, he's not going to meet chicks through him. Artie said that's the way he wants it.
Howard said that Fred met the woman of his dreams through the show. Fred said they're two different people. He also said that Artie is taking this stuff too seriously. He thought Artie was being vicious to that girl and it was very surprising. Artie said that this is such a stupid conversation. Robin couldn't believe he was doing that again while they talk about that stuff.
Artie said that the girl was into fat guys and that was really insulting to have her on because of that. He said he really hates stuff like that. Artie claimed he didn't use the word ''jerk'' when talking about Howard. He thought he called them suckers, not jerks.
Howard played some more audio of Artie from the Wrap Up Show where he was talking about Bob Levy and how creepy he thinks he is. He was going off on every little thing about him that he could while talking about him. Howard and Robin got a laugh out of it as they were listening to him but Artie was really brutal talking about him. He thought that Bob had something to do with setting up Jennifer to come on the show.
Howard said that some of the stuff he was saying was wrong. He didn't know them to be facts but he was just going off on Bob and Jennifer. He asked Artie what's wrong with him these days. He said there's nothing wrong. Howard told him he's never doing him a favor ever again. Artie asked if he had to come in there anymore then. He said that yesterday was just terrible. Howard said that he is a fat guy so it's not like he doesn't know that. Fred said he thought that yesterday followed a bad day after his reaction to what his mother said to him two days ago. He's very sensitive about that stuff.
Robin said that Artie is like the Roast Master there and he can't take a little ribbing. Howard said that Artie isn't the Roast Master, Bob Levy is. Robin said she just meant that he was one of the best guys at roasting there. Howard said that he would have loved it if someone tried to help him get women. He said that he used to try to get hot chicks up there any way he could in the past and he thought he was helping Artie out yesterday. If he's going to react to it that way, he's done with it. He said that it's not that fun for him to see a chick trying to hook up with him when he could have hot chicks in there who are into him instead.
Artie said that the chick has a boyfriend and that came out on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said he got a note from that guy and he was saying that he's as much her boyfriend as Artie's dates are his girlfriends. Howard told Gary he doesn't want to read any e-mails from girls who like Artie anymore. He's done with that. Artie was fine with that and said he's glad to hear that.
Artie said that he doesn't want to be anyone's ''bro'' and he thinks that ''bro'' is the gayest word he's ever heard and doesn't even know what it means. Howard said back in the 60s when you said that word, it really meant something. Howard said he uses that term a lot and it means a lot between him and his friends. He said that he won't call Artie a bro if he doesn't want to but he was doing that segment yesterday to help out a friend. He wasn't trying to humiliate anyone. Artie said that segment was all about a hot chick somehow liking an obese, disgusting guy. Howard told him that he's a baby and he should go take some more of those anti-heroin pills. Howard said Artie owes him an apology. Artie said the whole point of the segment was to point out that he's fat.
Artie said he doesn't care if he's on anyone's ''bro'' list like Howard was saying. Howard said he's off of his list and that's it. He said he has a couple of people on that list like his old friend Dr. Lou and Pat Minokia. Artie was on that list until today. Howard gave Artie a sincere ''fuck you'' for treating him like this after he tried to help him out. He wasn't kidding.
Howard said that the girls he's brought into the studio for Artie were into Artie, not just into fat guys. He brought up Fred again but Artie said that was different because it was a dial-a-date thing. Artie had referred to Howard as a pelican looking fuck at one point so Howard thanked him for that attack. He said he's done being a jerk on the air. He said that he felt close to Artie and he was really trying to help him out. Artie said he's not really friends with Howard though. Howard said he thought that they were friends but Artie said that they're not friends, they just work together. Howard said that they spend 5 hours a day talking to each other and getting into each other's heads. Artie said that it's still work and they're not friends.
Howard said that he can't believe that Artie is questioning his motives when it comes to this stuff. Artie said that everything is on the air and if he really liked him as a ''bro'' he'd do this stuff off the air. Howard said it's all for the air because he's not looking to do things off the air. Howard said that he was trying to have Artie meet these people on the air because he figured he'd be less embarrassed on the air. Artie said that Howard wanted this to be something interesting on the air. He said he had no intention to embarrass Artie on the air. Artie said he did so Howard apologized to him and said he can be assured that it will never happen again.
Artie said he would never parade a girl around as some fetish chick like Howard did to him yesterday. Howard said he'd rather screen them on the air than off the air. Artie said that he's never had a serious conversation with Howard off the air, ever. Howard said that's bull shit and he has gone to him and talked to him seriously. That led to them talking about Artie's heroin use and how Howard brings that stuff up on Letterman when he didn't want him to. Howard said he considers Artie a friend but it appears he's not thinking the same thing. Howard said he's invited Artie to his house a bunch of times while Artie has never invited him. Artie said he invited him to his house once and he was busy doing something else.
Howard told Artie that he's got something going on because he's sucking on those Subutex pills again. Artie said those were other issues he's got, they have nothing to do with this. Howard told him to go see his shrink as soon as possible if he's got that many issues.
Artie said that they can continue bringing the broads in but he's going to be uncomfortable every time. He said he'd take a bullet for Howard but both Robin and Howard interrupted him and said that's bull too. He swore he would do it though. While they were talking about that Benjy started to take his shirt off so Howard had to ask him not to make this about him.
Artie said that he knows that Howard's show is the most important thing in his life to him. He said he understands that the show is more important to him than his relationship with him. Howard said that's not true. Artie said it is true and he wishes that he could be as into something as Howard is.
Artie told Howard that he usually bites the bullet and lets the jokes about his life drop. He said the heroin song parodies really bother him and he just lets that go. Howard told Artie that he has a special bond with him and he doesn't understand why he insulted him for trying to help him out. He said he's always going to consider Artie as a brother even if he thinks that ''bro'' thing is lame. Artie told him that yesterday he was being a shitty friend to him when he embarrassed him with that chick.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he was going to have to side with Artie today. He said that if Howard saw a hot chick that Artie would be into, he could introduce Artie to her. He wondered why Howard had to do it on the air. Howard said he thought the bit would be good on the air but he also said that he'd like for people to help him out in that way. Robin said that Artie and King are missing something there. They didn't know this girl at all so that's why they did it on the air. Howard said he felt that it was just a way to meet a chick. Howard mentioned Fred's wife again but Artie said that was completely different. Howard said it's not though.
Artie said he knows Howard will bring up things on the air that he doesn't want on the air. He said the $500 whore story from Las Vegas was one of those stories. He said there was something else with Dana that he brought up on the air. Howard said he knows he's fucked up some stuff like that and he's sorry. Artie said that he'd never do that to Howard. Howard said he will usually ask Artie before he brings it up though and he wasn't looking to hurt him. Artie said the story about Dana was a big deal to him but Howard thought it was nothing because he wouldn't bring it up again.
Howard asked Artie to just talk about what the subject was that he remembered. Artie said that he told Howard that he was upset with Dana for not sticking by him through some stuff and that came up on the air. He said that was something he told him in private that he didn't want out there. Howard said he's never brought up anything else private though. Artie said the $500 hooker story was another one but Howard said that's never happened.
Gary came in and said that Jason summarizes the show and they keep a log of what happens on the show. They went back and pulled up the notes and Howard wanted to tell the story about the hooker but Howard wouldn't tell it unless Artie would give him permission. So Artie had to tell the story himself, he didn't bring it up himself.
Artie said that Howard seems to think that he hates him but he doesn't. He said no one is more dedicated to him. He said that the whole basis of this thing is that they are friend and he likes coming in every day and doing the show. Robin said he was just saying that he's not his friend a few minutes ago. Howard said that Artie has told the hooker story on other shows but Artie denied ever doing that.
Howard said he wanted to clear the air and patch up the whole thing. He said that he understands what Artie is saying and he doesn't want to be made uncomfortable on the air. He wasn't trying to do that. He did the segment because he had something interesting about a major player on the show. He apologized for doing it and that's the end of it. Artie said he doesn't mind it if they want him to sit there and get embarrassed every day. He's willing to do that. Howard said he thought that Artie would be happy to meet a chick, he didn't know. Artie said that chick wasn't even in the same league of the chicks he's going out with. Robin said he didn't have to go out with he, they were just introducing them.
Howard said he really thought he was helping to make it easier to meet a chick, that's one reason he did that for him. He said he'd like that himself so he figured Artie was like him. Since he's not, he apologized to him for doing it. Artie said the first motive for Howard is to make great radio and embarrassing him was one way to do that. Artie said that he doesn't deny the fact that they're friends. He said that he knows that Howard is more into the radio show than being his friend. Howard said that any time he sees Artie do a show, he calls him off the air and tells him how proud he is. He said that he's sincere about that and that's something that a friend does. He said he's reached out to him many times as a friend and he's not sure how to show his friendship more than that.
Howard said that maybe hanging out together in private isn't something they can do. Artie said he gets it and he knows how important the show is to him. Robin said it's like Artie is still saying that Howard knew how the segment was going to go. He didn't know if it was going to be good or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that a ''bro'' isn't someone who ridicules someone on a daily basis like Howard does. Howard said that the stuff he talks about is what Artie does, he's not saying anything that's not part of his life. Artie drinks, gambles and eats so he talks about it. Howard took some more calls and let the fans give their thoughts on this whole thing. Joey Boots called in and said that he thinks Artie is out of line with this whole thing. Joey said that he'd be honored if Howard called him a bro like he did. Artie said that was in the heat of an argument, he didn't mean it.
Howard said he had a quick story about the ''bro'' thing. He said he got a call from Dr. Lou the other day and they rarely get together. He said he's always thought of him as a bro since they were kids. He said that Lou called him and needed some help with something. He said that he can always do that with him because he'll always think of him as a bro. That's the way he thinks of Artie. Joey said that Artie even goofs on himself as being fat so he's not sure why he's getting so upset about them goofing on him about being fat. Artie said he knows that, he just can't believe that this has blown up into what it has.
Howard told Artie to never bring this up off the air. He said that he doesn't want it in his life anymore. Artie agreed and said he's happy being there and he has no desire to talk about that stuff. Robin said she thinks that Artie is on the verge of a walk out. Howard said he feels differently about Artie than he does about him. He said that even Jackie is still a bro with him even though he's fucked up in a lot of ways. He said that he still questions a lot of Jackie's shit but he's still a bro to him. Howard said he spends a lot of time with Artie and he does care about him.
Artie said that Robin was the one who threw in that ''jerk'' line at 6:01 this morning so she's trying to make it even worse. Howard said he had to take a break because he had a couple of guests there. They spent a couple more minutes going through that stuff before Howard went to break. Artie said he's never doing the Wrap Up Show again after all of this went down. He went to break a short time later.
An Update On Sal's Shaky Marriage. 06/13/07. 7:00am
After the break Howard was listening to a clip where Donald Trump was complaining about Rosie O'Donnell and started to say that she had grabbed her cock but cut himself off and said ''crotch.'' That led to Howard playing another clip where Sheppard Smith says ''the cock keeps ticking'' during his show yesterday. He played that and then moved on to Lisa G.
Lisa came in and said that she can't wait for Dr. Keith to come in this morning. She said he should go around the room and figure all of them out. Howard said that Sal must be having some real issues with his wife because he refused to bring his wife in today. Sal came in and said that they almost got divorced last month and now they're going to counseling and things are getting better. He said that they had ''veered apart'' and a lot of shit went down and things got really heavy.
Sal said he got a mystery call from someone and thought that she was cheating. He said that she had developed an emotional relationship with another person but she claims that she didn't do anything physical. Artie said that the guy probably wants to fuck her even if she's not doing anything. Sal said he's known this guy for a long time and she used to work with the guy. Sal said he took his wife for granted and that's what he's learned in therapy. He said that she's still not blowing him but they are getting along.
Sal said that they were driving to therapy one day and he told her that his problem is that he wants her to blow him and he can't get that. He said that he's been trying to give her emotional support and that's apparently what she needs according to the therapist. That led to the guys goofing on Sal for sitting and listening to his wife's problems. Sal said that he has a hard time pulling that stuff off, listening to his wife and all. He said that he'd come home from work and his wife would ask him what he did. He didn't want to talk about it so he'd just say ''nothing'' and try to avoid it. Artie said that not getting sex is a major thing in a relationship so he can understand him being upset.
Howard asked Sal if his wife is blowing him now. Sal said ''not yet'' so Howard said that a chick wants you to act like you did when you first started dating them. Sal said that it's tough because she won't give him oral but she could go right out and blow another guy if she felt like it. He's there to support her and she won't blow him. Sal said his wife was saying she won't give him sex because he hasn't earned his reward yet.
Gary came in and said that Sal told him that his therapist told him it might take two years to get them back on track. He said he told Sal to find a different therapist. Howard asked him if it's a guy or a woman. Sal said he found an ''old Jew broad.'' He said that they have started to have sex lately but he's still not getting blown. Howard told him that he should have come in with Dr. Keith Ablow, that would have been great. Howard said he thinks that he and Beth are going to be boring but the other guys don't think that's the case.
Fred said that he was reading a list of the things that couples fight about most and Sal probably has all of them on his list. Howard and Beth don't have many, if any of them on their list. He said the things were Money, Sex, Work, Children and Housework. Howard and Beth don't have to worry about any of that stuff. The guys spent a few minutes talking about all of that stuff and got back to Sal and his wife. Howard asked Sal why he buys that his wife didn't go out and cheat on him. He said he'd demand that he get the blow job immediately. Sal said that all he wanted was to get his wife back no matter what happened. He said that he just wanted what he had when he first met her. He said he really loves her and he just wanted that stuff back.
Howard asked Sal about this other guy that his wife had been communicating with. He said that she was on the phone and emailing this guy a lot. He said on Mother's day he presented her with all of the stuff he had collected. Sal said that she had said that she loved the guy in an e-mail so he asked her about that. She said that she loved him as a friend, that's it. Howard said that the guy isn't the problem though, she's the one who is acting on it. Sal said that they've led him to believe that he was the one pushing his wife away so whatever happened in that relationship is in the past and he doesn't care.
Gary said that the guys back there are saying that it seems like Sal has been brainwashed into thinking that whatever she did was his fault. Artie said that's the way it seems to him. Robin told Sal that she's proud of him for going through this stuff which didn't seem to be the same thing Artie and Howard were saying to him.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that whatever he's learning now can only help him, even if he ends up getting divorced. He also said that the most interesting thing is that he brought up all of this stuff on Mother's Day. He said that he could have done it on any other day of the year. Sal said he was going to do it on that Saturday but his son had his communion. He said that he waited until that night after the kids were asleep.
Sal said that he's such a mess right now that he hasn't even been masturbating lately. He isn't visiting the booths or anything like that right now. Howard said that Sal probably has a clit down below now because he's been emasculated. Dominic asked how many therapists they have. They have just the one right now but Sal said that his wife is like another one. Dominic told him to get a therapist of his own to talk to because this single therapist is hearing stuff from both of them.
Sal said that this therapist costs him $135 per hour so he just sits there and listens to the two women babbling. King of All Blacks called in and said that it seems like Sal's wife just doesn't like him anymore. He said that this therapy shit is something he doesn't believe in. He seemed to think that she just doesn't like him and they should move on. Another caller said that his wife ended up having a one night stand with a mutual friend of theirs but they're still together. He said that he was being a total dick to his wife and now he realizes that. The guy said the guy was a friend of his so it was really hard to go back to having sex with his wife. He said there was no emotional tie to that guy though.
Sal said that it was just weird laying there next to his wife knowing all of this stuff. Howard asked him if the guy visited his house while he was at work. Sal said no to that but he didn't sound so sure about that. Gary told Howard that Sal went through and found all of this stuff that his wife was doing an found this code ''143'' in the email and discovered that it's a code for ''I Love You.'' The 1 is for I, the 4 is for the four letters in Love and the 3 is the 3 letters in You. He said that's how he found out about that and confronted her on it. She said that it's just a friendly kind of love and she's not in love with him.
Sal said that she still sees this guy at work so that's another issue they have in therapy. He said that he told his wife to end the relationship and she did that but then she thought that the guy was going to kill himself so she didn't know what to do.
A phone caller told Howard that he did something similar to what Sal's wife did. He said that it was probably more than an emotional affair. Sal said he doesn't care about that, he knows what he did was wrong not paying more attention to his wife so he just wants to move on. Robin said that Sal is impressing her more than she ever thought he could. Sal went on to say that the therapist told him to let his wife go ahead and say goodbye to this guy the way she really wants to. Sal said he's trying to do the right thing but he didn't want to let her do that. The caller said that his wife should have just told him what he was doing wrong instead of doing what she did.
Sal said that he loves his wife dearly and he's doing what he can to get things back to where they were. He said that he thinks that they're really bonding at this point and he doesn't want to screw it up. Howard said he kind of knew about this but didn't want to talk to Sal about it off the air personally. Robin said she did notice that Sal hadn't been on the air much lately. Gary said that Sal was really rocked when all of this went down and he actually wanted to take him and hug him when it all went down.
Gary asked Sal if he told his wife he was going to talk about this on the air. He hadn't so Gary wondered if there were going to be issues. Sal wasn't sure but he didn't seem to think there were going to be any problems. Howard told him to ask her if she would come on with Dr. Keith Ablow later this morning. Sal made the call and his wife said she didn't want to do it on the air. Sal tried to ask her if she wanted to talk to Howard now. Sal told her to go back to sleep a short time later. Sal said that she might be interested another day, but not today.
The guys noticed that Sal had a twitch going on while he was talking to her. Sal said that women can have that effect on guys sometimes. Howard told Sal that he seems to be taking the high road and being smart about it. He had to hand it to him for doing that. Sal said he knows he was no angel but he wants to make this work so he's trying to do that. He said he'll never understand women even after all of this. Howard said that's understandable. Howard asked Sal if he wanted Richard to come in and lick his balls. Sal said that would be fine. Richard came in a short time later and started to kiss Sal's neck. Richard said the ball licking thing isn't sexual to him. He said they might have to go further than that to make it more special. Robin said that was nice, at least someone wanted to blow him.
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Grillo Vs. Tracey - Round 2. 06/21/07. 6:20am
Howard said that as long as they're on fights, since he and Fred are going at it, he was going to play some audio from the Intern Show where Tracey the office manager and Steve Grillo were fighting. Grillo had invited the interns and Tracey out to the bar where he works and he was supposed to take care of them. Tracey ended up taking care of the bill because they didn't have enough money with them that night.
Howard played the clip where Tracey yelled at Grillo on the Intern Show and then played Grillo's taped message about that situation. Grillo said he wasn't able to get a word in during that call so he taped this message for them to defend himself. Howard played more of that argument from last week's Intern Show and said it was pretty interesting to hear. Artie seemed to be enjoying it as well. He said there's no winning in an argument with that chick. She was pretty brutal with Grillo.
Howard had Mike the intern on the phone and he was saying that he could back up Tracey's side of the story. Howard said that they have to listen to Steve's side of the story though so he played the audio clip a short time later. Grillo said that his microphone was turned down in that Intern Show call and now it sounds like that ''fuckin bitch'' got one over on him. Grillo goes on and on talking about how he brought people to the restaurant and rambled on and on about how they were taking advantage of his kindness. He said that they were ordering top shelf liquor and they can't comp that stuff. As Grillo was going on and on Howard and Artie were laughing at him.
Howard said it sounds like Grillo was saying that he had offered them free drinks but when they started ordering the good stuff, they decided not to comp them. So he was basically backing up Tracey's story. That led to Fred doing his impression of Grillo and making fun of his comments. Howard got back to the clip and Grillo just goes on and on calling Tracey a bitch over and over and saying that she was out of line.
Grillo said that Tracey abuses Howard Stern's name and she used it there at the bar. He also said that she's just an intern wrangler. Howard said he'd like to see Tracey and Steve in the Bubba-gon. He said that might be some good cross promotion for the show.
Howard said that Grillo's wife also had some comments about Tracey. She was saying that it was wrong of her to do that to her husband and she also said that alcohol has calories so she should watch it. Howard and the guys pointed out some of the comments that Grillo had made and goofed on him about those.
Howard replayed the audio of Steve going off on Tracey from the start and had everyone laughing at him again. He says that he's dumbfounded at one point in the clip so the guys goofed on that. Howard said they have to take that tape, cut it up, and make it into a phony phone call. He kept playing the clip and laughing at Steve's comments.
Gary said that Steve the Intern was saying that he doesn't get that top shelf liquor thing because most of the guys were drinking Bud that night. He heard that one guy ordered some Petrone. Steve came into the studio and told Howard that there were 8 people there and only one of them was drinking the good stuff. The rest of them were drinking Bud Light. He said that nothing was comped at all so he's not sure what Grillo was talking about.
Ralph called in and said that he's been talking to Grillo lately and he's just crazy because he doesn't know what he did. He said that he just admitted that he did wrong when he brought up that top shelf thing. Howard said he thinks Grillo does his best when he's angry. Fred did more of his impression of Grillo and got Howard in on it as well.
Howard said they have to have Grillo back in there. He played more of him going off on Tracey where he was talking about how much of a bitch Tracey is and how the interns all hate her. Gary said that the visual in this clip is great because Grillo is going off on Tracey while his wife is sitting there nodding her head. It's all on camera and it'll be on Howard TV eventually.
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Howard said that he wanted to shake his hand and wanted to smell it after that. He told Scott that people talk about Scott like they do about Warren Beatty. Howard said that Scott was able to fly under the radar though. Howard said that he heard that he got Pam Anderson as she was getting off the bus from wherever she came from. Scott said that she was natural back then and didn't have any implants or anything. He met her at the Playboy mansion and her issue hadn't even come out yet. She was on the cover of the magazine and he just happened to meet her there.
Scott said he had walked up to the bar with his friend Steve and they saw these chicks coming in and one of the girls that walked in saw him and said that she had a dream about him. He said that was the perfect opening for someone like that.
Howard asked Scott when he first started getting laid. Scott said he was 16 but it wasn't in high school because he wasn't going to school, he was doing Happy Days at the time. Howard figured that Scott had been with thousands of women but Scott said it might be closer to one (thousand). Howard said that they're some of the most beautiful women in the world too. Gary said that even if Scott was with 100 women a year, that would bring him up to around 3000 women. Scott said he had long term relationships in those years so it probably wasn't that many.
Scott said that this has just been his life and he would have sex with fat chicks too. He said that it was all fun stuff and some of the ugly chicks were very appreciative. He said that some of the ugly chicks would suck him like they had a gun to their head.
Scott said that he did a count of the number of playmates he's been with and it was up there at about 23 or so. He said he actually got banned from the Playboy mansion after he had been with every Playmate from that one year, which was 88 or 89 according to Scott. He said he got a call from someone at the mansion and was asked to slow down a little bit. They told him he had gone too far and he'd been with some of Mr. Hefner's girls. He may have been interfering with some of those relationships.
Howard asked Scott if he had women who had heard about him and wanted to be with him just because of that. Scott told a story about going to a Playboy party and one of the butlers walked up to him and said he never really ''got'' him. The guy said he didn't know how he got so many women. He then said he gets it now and told him that he heard two women discussing him. He said that one of the girls told the other that he had to be with Scott because he can make her come a lot. Scott said that his thing is to please the women so that's the reputation he had.
Howard said that the reason he makes women come a lot is because he's a good looking guy and he's wealthy so that gets them juiced up a bit. Scott said he's good at oral so that's part of it too. He said that he really loves and enjoys doing that stuff so that's why he can get into it that much. Howard said that being with a Pam Anderson must be tough because she's so hot. Scott said that he can go forever with someone he's really into but if he's not, he's done in a second. He said he can really concentrate on a chick if he's into her.
Howard told Scott that he should write a book about this. Scott said he had an offer but there were some issues and it turned into a mess. Artie told Scott that he really likes his reality show ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' so he got into that a little bit. He said that he heard a story that Scott told about banging Erin Moran when they were working together on Happy Days. He talked about how he was actually banging the couch instead of Erin at the time.
Scott said that he learned early that he shouldn't shit where he eats. He said it got very awkward being with Erin when they were working together. He said that the relationship dissolved into nothingness and hatred. He said that making out with her was really tough after they broke up. He hated her by that point and she hated him so it was hard to work together.
Howard asked Scott how he handles a woman who has vaginosis, a smell down there. Scott said that he has told women that they stink down there. He said he got rude after a while and he'd just stick his hand down there and he'd get it up near their nose and if they flinched, he'd say ''Well, it ain't me.'' He said that he'd do other things if they were smelly down there.
Howard asked Scott if he was ever turned down. He said ''of course'' and said that Playmates would turn him down and things like that. He said that Jenny McCarthy once pulled some shit with him one time even though he hadn't been with her. He said he met her at a club called Bar 1 and said hello to her. He was pretty sure she was married at the time. He said she told him that she was a big fan and then he saw her out again another time. She had separated from her husband then so he asked her out. They were going to go out a few days later but she never called him back. He said the next thing he knew, she was on a radio show... probably Howard's, that he was stalking her and she couldn't get away from him. He said he didn't know what she was talking about though.
Scott said that Jenny was out at a restaurant one night so he went in and told her to never talk about him like that again because she doesn't know him. He said he never does anything like that. He said that it's all old shit and he'd like to talk to her and put it all behind them.
Howard asked Scott how long it took to get in Pam Anderson's pants. Scott said if he likes a chick, he'll wait a month or so. He said that he figured that every guy was looking to be with her so he figured that holding out a while might be the best thing to do. He said that he waited a month and a half to be with Nicolette Sherridan and she wondered why he was waiting so long when he finally asked to kiss her.
Howard said that Scott had Heather Locklear in her prime too. Scott said that she's a great chick and what you see is what you get. He said that she was his first real love of his life. He was 21 years old at the time and thought about marrying her but she turned him down. He said she was smart for doing that. Howard asked Scott about all of the different types of chicks that he's had. He named just about every race.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had sex with Tori Spelling. He said he knows her but that's never happened. Howard asked him if he's ever had a woman offer to pay him to have sex. He thought about it and said they wouldn't have to pay him.
Artie brought up this guy Johnny V who is one of Scott's best friends. He gets laid thanks to Scott and without him he can't get laid. Scott said he once heard Johnny tell a girl that if she wanted Scott, she had to go through him.
Gary said he got a call from Scott years ago after Erin Moran was on the show and yelled at him for letting her say something about him having a small penis. Howard gave Scott a plug for his TV show after that and Artie said that he really can't wait for the next episode which is very weird with him and reality shows.
Howard asked Scott what he's worth. Scott didn't say exactly what he's worth but he is a millionaire. He said he didn't stop working from the age of 14 or so. He's directed shows and things like that over the years as well.
Howard gave Scott an F, Marry Kill for Pam Anderson, Erica Elaniak and Nicole Eggert. Scott said that he would kill Erica, only because he'd have to, he'd marry Nicole and F Pam. Howard asked him if she's great in bed. Scott said that it was great because he loved her. He said that he's not into crazy stuff either. He said he just likes to make love. He said that she is good in bed. Howard asked him who was the best. He said that Heather Locklear was the best. He said that she's so adorable that you want to bite her nose off or rip her head off.
Howard threw names out to Scott and he'd give ratings for how good a lover they were. Denise Richards was a 3 according to Scott. He said that things weren't great for him. Brooke Shields he never slept with or even fooled around with. Beverly D'Angelo was a 10 according to Scott. He said that she's a great broad. He said that she was able to shut him down with one sentence. He said he was at Liza Minelli's house and he saw Beverly there. He liked her overbite and thought it was very sexy. He said that she told him that she didn't have an overbite, she had a cocksucker's mouth. Scott said he turned and walked away after that.
Howard read that Scott had been with Liza Minelli. He said that he was with her because of who she was. He said that she was about a 7 on a scale of 10 as far as being a lover. He said that she was about 49 when he did her and it was very unique. He said they were together two times and she was a dancer so she had a good body at the time. Scott said she's a fun chick and she was into it at the time. Howard wondered how he broke it off and didn't make her hate him. He said that he just told her that he'd probably slowly pull away and he wanted to let her know before that happened.
Scott said that almost all of the chicks left him because they wanted him to commit and he wouldn't do that. Howard asked him about Melissa Gilbert. Scott gave her a 10. He said that she was a great girl and he just spoke to her before he came to New York. Howard said that on one of the shows Julie McCullough claimed she had her first AIDS test because she was so afraid of all of the people Scott had been with.
Howard asked him why he turned down the movie ''Top Gun.'' Scott said he was just joking when he said that in an interview one time. He said he never turned that down. Howard asked him if he ever had a woman tell him she was pregnant with his baby. Scott said that she told him she was pregnant, 6 months after they broke up, but she was only 4 months pregnant. He said he never heard from her after he told her that she was lying.
Howard asked Scott how long he waited to get into Nicolette Sheridan's pants. Scott said she was the one with the month and a half and it was amazing. Howard told him that it's an amazing life he's had. Howard said that when you have options like that, it's no wonder he's not married. Robin wanted to know how he got back into the Playboy mansion. Scott said he had to grovel on his hands and knees.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had any gay sex. Scott quickly said ''no'' to that. Howard and Robin asked him what his family thought about this. Scott said his father loved that he was getting all of these playboy chicks and he had a subscription to the magazine and he'd ask him about each of the girls and if he knew them.
Scott said that he got Pam Anderson her job on Baywatch. He sent her picture over to the casting people and they asked to see her. Scott also said that about a year and a half into the relationship Pam came to him and told him that she was going to get her breasts done. He said that he thought she was going to get them smaller but then he found out she wanted them bigger and he knew something or someone had gotten to her. He said that she had changed at that point. Scott said that he got very jaded in his life and stopped caring about having all of these chicks that he could do. He said he would have a bunch of women in bed and he'd just go out to smoke a cigar.
Scott said that he wants to get married now so he can have a kid and just relax. He said he's physically exhausted too. He doesn't want to be the guy in the bar trying to pick up women. Howard took some phone calls after giving him another plug for his show which airs Sunday nights on VH-1.
A caller thanked Scott for being so honest and talking about this stuff unlike so many other guests. The guy also asked about Josie Davis who was on Charles in Charge with him. Scott said that she was an ugly duckling on that show and she turned out to be a very beautiful woman. Howard wondered what happened to Nicole Eggert. Scott said that she just doesn't care anymore and now she's into real estate.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV called in with a clip of Jenny McCarthy talking about Scott. In the clip Jenny talked about what went on between her and Scott. She had said stuff about him on some other show but explained it on Howard's show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Erin Moran mentioned how small Scott's penis was on his show. Scott said he has a normal sized penis and it's not small. Another caller asked Scott if he'd throw Robin a bone. Robin said she doesn't need that. She's no charity case.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Scott if he's had any plastic surgery. Scott said he doesn't need any of that stuff. He said his parents look young too so he's lucked out. Howard said that Jason Hervey is out in the green room with him. He said they'll have to say hello to him as well. Ralph called in and asked if Scott had been with Christina Ricci. That move was ''Cursed'' but Scott said that he just hung out with her for a few weeks.
Jason Hervey came into the studio a short time later. He actually created the show for Scott. Gary told Howard that Jason is married to a porn star and showed him some pictures of her. Howard said that she's hot too. He asked him if she's still got the big balloons. Jason just laughed. He said that he's been married to her for 9 years now. Jason said that his friend Johnny Fratto said to say hello to them.
Howard asked Jason about his wife and what his family thought about him marrying a porn star. He said that they're fine with it and they all love her. Howard asked Scott if he tried to get her. Scott said that he hasn't tried to get her. Howard told him to stay away from her.
Howard said that Scott seems like a smart guy and wondered if he's ever thought about these chicks being too vapid for him. Scott told a story about this chick he met who was a 15 on a scale of 10. He said that this Bob Dylan song came on the radio and she didn't know who it was. He explained to her who it was and she said she thought that he was in The Who. He said he literally stopped the car and told her to get out of the car. He said that she was so stupid that she's probably still trying to find her way home.
Gary told Howard he was reading the bio on Jason's wife Angel Heart. He said that it was a tough read and he wasn't going to talk about it because it was kind of brutal. Howard asked Scott if he's ever had to pay for sex. Scott said he did pay for it one time at the Chicken Ranch. He said that he just wanted to find out what it was like and he found that it sucked. He said that the chick was like a robot and it wasn't all that great. He said that he only paid $170 for a $300 lay.
Ralph called in again and asked Scott if he thinks that there aren't really that many really hot chicks out there. Scott said that there are some chicks who are pretty hot but they're not like Pam Anderson and Heather Locklear types.
Ralph asked Scott why he wants to get married because even someone like John Stamos thought that it was a good idea but that marriage didn't last. Howard said that Stamos has an impressive list of chicks but not as impressive as Scott's list. Howard said there is only one Scott Baio. He asked Scott if he's ever had an amputee. Scott said he's had some infirmed people. Howard asked him if he's ever done anyone that he's upset over. Scott said that he doesn't have any regrets. That was the road he was on and that's what he did.
Joey Boots called in and said that he thinks that Scott's career has been great. He said that he followed him from when he was on Happy Days. He said that he used to dry hump his hand to Scott when he was growing up and he'd love to lick his asshole if he ever had the chance.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had Anna Nicole Smith. Scott said he didn't but there was a rumor that the baby might be his. He said he didn't even know the woman. Howard told Scott that his show is great and gave him another plug for that. Robin asked Scott why he wants to marry this chick. Scott said that he'll leave it up to everyone to watch but he also said that she's a great chick and she's the only one who doesn't want to change him.
Jason Hervey told Howard that he came up with this idea for the show when they were hanging out one time and he pitched the show to VH-1. Artie asked him if he'd pitch a show called ''Artie Lange is 39 and Fat'' to them too. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later. He gave him another plug for his ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' show and then went to break.
The Iron Sheik Visits. 08/02/07. 8:25am
After the break we heard a prank call that the guys made to Tabitha Stevens using Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) from K-Rock. Fred also played a ''Who's High Pitch'' song parody. Howard came back a short time later and said that it was time to bring in the Iron Sheik whose clips they have been listening to quite a bit lately. He said that Sheik has been waiting for over an hour out in the green room.
Howard said that on August 10th they have something very big happening. He said that's when Rush Hour 3 is opening. He had to do a commercial in the middle of all of that talk up. He then had the guys bring in The Iron Sheik. Sheik came in and said it was a pleasure to be there today. He thanked Howard for inviting him in. Howard had him put on his headphones so he could hear what was going on and then told him how his grandfather worshiped the Iron Sheik. He said he'd be so proud of him if he knew he got to meet him.
Howard said that this is two legends meeting this morning. Sheik told Howard about this medal he brought in with him. He wanted him to read it so Howard read it and it was something from 1971. He said that he came over to this country back then after being the Shah of Iran's body guard.
Howard asked Sheik who discovered him here in the States. He said it was Vince McMahon. Howard said he thinks that Vince McMahon has forgotten about Sheik and wondered if he's still on the payroll. Sheik told him that's a great question. He then started getting worked up and telling Howard that he sold out shows in Pontiac, Michigan and things like that. Then Howard asked him about Hulk Hogan and why he's still involved with wrestling. Sheik said he should be there right along with Hulk. He said that Hulk was a weight lifter and he told people not to use drugs so he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Sheik was all over the place talking about the wrestling stuff and calling people fags. He said that Hulk is a fag to him. He said that someone asked him to break Hulk's legs one time but he didn't do it because he's twice the man that he is. He said that he's not jealous of Hulk's money but he does get pissed off when he thinks back to the days when he was acting like a phony. He said that hulk told him he ''owed him one'' one time but never did anything for him.
Howard was trying to get Sheik all worked up asking him why he's not part of the wrestling scene now. He used to be huge in the wrestling scene and now he's been forgotten. Sheik said that's true and went off on Hulk again. He said that he's a gold digger. He explained how he had left the WWE and went to other wrestling leagues.
Howard told Sheik that they found this new guy Iron Sheik Jr. (Artie) so he put him on the mic and let Artie try to get Sheik worked up. Artie did his impression of Sheik and went off on him as if he were the real Sheik. Sheik started to go off on him like battling Sheiks. Artie was talking over him and not letting him get a word in. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. was getting $2 million from Vince McMahon to do his thing. Sheik told Artie to come in and show himself if he's man enough. He told him he was going to fuck his ass and break his back to make him humble.
Sheik told Sheik Jr. That talk is cheap and he should show himself. Howard had to get rid of Artie to calm everyone down. Sheik was out of breath from yelling. He said he was all excited over that and that's why he was all out of breath. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. Had been signed on for $2 million and that was just wrong. Sheik asked for a cold beer and said that the guy got him all excited and if he was there, he'd put him in the camel clutch and fuck him in the ass. He said he'd do that to humble him.
Artie had been out of the studio so when he came back in Howard told Artie what had just gone on. Sheik kind of knew that it was him so he told him he'd fuck his fat ass if he fucked with him. He told him not to fuck with him because he's heard about him. He said that Artie might be bad but he's the master of the bad.
Howard told Sheik that he had Ultimate Warrior live via satellite for him. It was actually Richard Christy doing an impression of Ultimate Warrior. He told Sheik that he'd beat his ass. That got Sheik all worked up again and he was telling Warrior that he was a faggot for shaving his chest. He was ready to wrestle the guy but Howard got rid of him and said ''fuck that guy'' and moved on to the next guy.
Howard said they had Randy ''Macho Man'' Savage live via satellite as well. Sheik went off on him before they even put him up. Sheik called him a cheap, Jew, son of a bitch. Sal was playing the part of Randy and called Sheik some names and told him he was ready to wrestle him. Sheik told him he was a Jew son of a bitch a few times and yelled at him for a couple of minutes. Sal was throwing out as many racist comments as he could. He also whipped out his cock and put it next to a picture of Sheik. That pissed him off even more.
Howard let ''Randy'' go and talked to Sheik about what a great performer he is. Sheik told him he's right and he should have been treated that way. He's broke now though. Howard asked him about Andre the Giant. Sheik said he was a piece of shit too. He went off on him for a short time calling him names and goofing on him.
And Finally... 10/08/07. 10:25am
One of the stories Robin covered was one about an upcoming biopic about rapper Biggie Smalls/Notorious B.I.G. Artie, out of nowhere, started doing an impression of Biggie that was very close to what the guy sounded like. He even had some of the lyrics down and sang some of that for Howard and Robin. They told him that maybe he should try out for the part. Artie said he just knows one of his songs, he was just reciting those lyrics. Howard and Robin thought he was really good though. Artie said he could play the part in black face, he is an actor after all.
Artie stayed in character for the rest of the news and continued to rap and rhyme during the rest of the stories Robin read through. Howard asked if they could put Artie in black face and send him down to the auditions. Artie said he'd do that in a second. He was still in character when Fred played that one song he knew, ''Gimme The Loot.'' Artie knew all of the lyrics and sang along to it as it was playing. He knew it just as well when the song wasn't playing as he did when it was playing. Artie said that song is great, he asked Fred to put it on CD for him.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard tried to end the show around 11:05am. Artie was still in character and doing his impression as Howard was ending it.
Next up on Best Of Howard we heard Counting Crows performing ''Round Here.'' They ended today's special around 11:30am.
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After those opening bits we heard Sal Governale introducing the first part of the Sal vs. Artie fight. Here's what they played:
Howard 100 News And Sal Fights With Artie. 10/31/07. 9:55am
Howard said that Richard and Sal think that he doesn't like them. He said that he did hire them to work there though. He said they were complaining about Artie taking a nap on the show even after he told him it was okay to do that. Howard said Artie has been with the show longer than them and he's got different privileges than they do. Robin said that Sal was asking why Artie can go up to guests and ask for their phone numbers when he can't do the same thing.
Howard said that Miss Howard Stern may have fallen asleep during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played a clip where she was kind of zoning out and not saying anything for a few seconds. Howard also played a clip where Sal was talking about why he doesn't come on the Wrap Up Show that much these days. He said he thinks that Gary disagrees with him on everything he says so he avoids it. Richard got in on that as well and said that Gary always sides with Artie in arguments and stuff. Sal was also saying that if Howard said something, Gary would agree with him too.
Howard said that he thinks that Sal is really talking about himself there because he's actually the one who would side with him on anything he went with. Sal came in so Howard told him that he think that he'd follow him to any religion he went to if he told him to. Sal said he hasn't taken up chess so that's not true.
Sal said that Gary always agrees with Howard but Howard told him that they argue about stuff all the time so that's not true. Sal is the one who said he'd blow Howard if he asked him to. Sal said that's bullshit and he wouldn't do that.
Howard asked Sal who got into the food fight at the pizza place they had Artie's party at. He pointed out all of the stuff that Sal does wrong and that's why he won't have him over at his house. Sal said he doesn't get why he has to bring up all of that stuff about him to make him look bad. Artie said that's because he always does stupid shit.
Artie said that Sal and Richard are good at what they do but they won a contest to get on the show. Sal said that he and Richard are always being honest and not trying to agree with people all the time like other people do. Howard said that Sal is the only one who he won't hang out with at home. Gary said that Sal has been reprimanded more there than he's ever reprimanded anyone else.
Artie went off on Sal and Richard for what they have going on at the comedy shows. Sal was yelling at Artie saying that he's always defending him when he hears shit about him. Sal said that Artie sucked on MAD TV and on the Norm Show and no one knew him before he was on Howard's show. He sounded really angry while he was going off on him but Artie was just laughing. Sal said that Artie carries himself like he's some legend of comedy when he's really not. Sal told him to go down to Philly and rip off the fans on New Year's Eve with the same act he did last year. The two of them were screaming at each other about this stuff.
Artie told Sal that he'll beat his ass after the show if he wants. He also told Sal that he hopes his kids die of AIDS as he was walking out of the studio. He said that he doesn't want that to happen until after they're like 25 years old.
Howard asked if that was for real. Artie said that was the real Sal right there. He's heard that venom come out of him before. Richard said that he doesn't hate Artie. Artie said that he's never had that problem with Benjy and asked him about that. Benjy then pretended he was Sal and yelled at him for a few seconds.
Richard was saying that Artie always goofs on him about stuff he says and it's kind of upsetting to him. That led to him complaining about Robin goofing on him too and saying that no one would care if he died.
A phone caller said that Sal has no right disparaging Artie the way he just did. The guy said that he'd do that job that Sal is doing for free. He said that Sal and Richard want to be Artie and that's why they get so upset about this stuff.
Robin said that all they hear are the negative things even when they say positive things about them. They focus on the negative when they're not always being bashed. Richard said that he agrees with Sal on some of that stuff but he doesn't agree with him about all of the things he was saying about everything he's been in sucking. He said he liked Artie in ''Elf.'' That made everyone laugh and Artie told him that everything he says sounds stupid.
Artie said that Richard and Sal are a couple of pussies for crying over them turning down bits and stuff. Meanwhile that's what happens to every comedy writer. They can't play all of their stuff on the show. Richard said there was a bit that they wanted Howard to play last week when Gilbert Gottfried was in and Gary wouldn't let him play it. Gary said he didn't want to try and cram it in there. He eventually wore him down and told him to go ahead and put up a note about the bit. Gary said that Richard won't take no as an answer so he has to just let him do stuff like that.
Richard still wasn't accepting the answer about why Gary didn't want him playing that clip on the show. Richard kept saying that all he wanted to do was give Howard the option to play the clip. They went over it a few times and Richard was still saying that he just wanted Howard to have that option. Gary did give him the option to let Howard know it was available but he just kept going with it.
Richard said that they had another bit that Howard didn't play for weeks and he kept asking Gary to play it for him. Gary said he did play that for Howard and Howard needed time to think about it for a while. He eventually played it on the air and they loved the call.
Artie said that Sal really has a lot of hostility toward him and it shows that he's obsessed with him and Howard 24/7. Sal was in Gary's office holding up a sign that said ''Die.'' Then he added a ''Please'' to that. Artie told him that was brilliant. He asked Sal if he's ever gone in for an audition for anything. He answered his own question and said he hasn't. He said that Sal has bailed out on his comedy act in the middle of it after claiming he could do 15 minutes.
Sal came back in and went off on Artie again. Artie told Sal that he was going to beat his ass out on the street today. He said that he only pays him to do the comedy shows because he's a charity case. Sal said that at least he has a relationship with his kids and he doesn't think that Artie would ever do that with his kids because he's a lying heroin addict. He left the studio yelling.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he's definitely getting his money's worth out of this today. He said that Artie is able to keep the show moving and doing a great job there and that can't be said about everyone. Robin thinks that Sal believes that he could be Artie and that Howard doesn't think that he could.
Al was saying that he thinks that maybe Sal is dragging Richard down with him in this whole thing. Richard said that's not true and Sal is a brilliant mind when it comes to putting together bits. Howard said he thinks that the team he has now is the best team he's ever had on the show before.
Sal came back in and said that he's not jealous of Artie. He said that he's said that he's the funniest guy on the show and he's consistently funny on the show. He complained that Artie says that they have the mentality of 5th graders every time they come in there though. That's the stuff that upsets them.
Artie said that some of the stuff Sal and Richard do is really funny but he doesn't like other stuff. They do a lot of gay stuff and he's not into that. Howard said that the only one who defines what they are is him. Howard said that Sal is having problems with his wife and he's taking it out on them there. Sal said Artie is always taking jabs at him and he's not sure what else to do.
Howard asked Sal if he was just crying because someone claimed that they caught him doing that out there. Benjy said that Ronnie was signaling to him that it looked like he was crying so that's why he wrote that. Artie told Sal and Richard to take what they dish out or get the fuck out of there. Sal and Artie calmed down a bit and Sal was kissing his ass a little bit saying that he really is one of the funniest guys on the show.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans yell at Sal. One guy told Sal to take a break and go smoke a joint or something to calm down. A woman said that Artie might need a cupcake to calm him down. Artie said that it's like poking a bear today. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest today and they need to do this like once a month. Another guy told Artie to go fuck Sal's wife. Artie said he didn't want to punish her.
Richard was saying that Robin is the one who has been really mean to him. She once threw out a script he'd given her to read. He complained about that for a short time as Robin giggled at him. Howard wanted to get out of this but the guys were bringing up more and more stories.
Gary said that Howard once got mad at Craig Gass when he fell asleep in the Jackie Chair back when he was trying out for the job. Howard got pissed at him back then. Howard didn't get pissed at Artie when he fell asleep because he's been on the show for 6 years and he told him to sleep.
Jon Hein gave a really quick rundown of what they'd be talking about on the Wrap Up Show today. Most of what they'll be talking about is what just happened.
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Sal And Richard Explain Their Problems With Artie, Artie Snaps. 11/01/07. 10:45am
Howard took a break during the news and when he came back he asked Artie what was going on with him and the boys in the back. Sal and Richard then showed up in the studio. Sal said they're doing this to avoid that awful Wrap Up Show. They said that Robin had a nice talk with them and she will be their moderator if Howard agrees. Howard didn't know why he'd agree to that. Robin said she just wants them to be able to get out what they want to say.
Sal then started in saying that he and Richard are very passionate about what they do. They don't mind the jokes where they're ball breaking on the show. Sal said that what hurts is when Artie takes a jab at the work they do on the show. Sal said that they're just up and coming guys and they just want to be part of the family. Sal said that's where they feel they're being ribbed and jabbed at. Richard said they're not mad at Artie either.
Howard had a transcript of what Sal said about Artie. He read about him talking about ''those stupid fucking shows'' that Artie used to be on and then went off on him about ''Beer League'' and some of the other stuff that he's done. Sal had to ask Robin to get in on this. She said that what happened yesterday didn't let them truly express what they were feeling.
Sal said that they just want to sit in the back and do what they can but Artie kept going with them and Artie said something about them just being wack packers. He said that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Then he came in and went off on Artie where he knew he could hurt him. Sal was talking in circles and Artie said he was being phony and it was all bullshit. He said that Sal has said all of that stuff before he ever said that they were just wack packers.
Robin didn't understand how the guys could bash Artie the way they did after he has tried to help them out with their careers. Sal said that they get the feeling that Artie really doesn't like them. Howard said he may have to separate Sal and Richard so they don't fill each other's heads with this stuff.
Artie said that they're ruining the show now because they're forcing him to censor himself. Sal said they're not asking him to do that. Sal was also saying that he doesn't bad mouth Gary now that he's working there and he always says that Gary is a great producer. Gary broke in and said that's not true, he's called him a horrible producer a bunch of times. Sal said he just does that to get under his skin.
Richard said that they're okay with Artie saying that their bits are crap if he wants to and they'll just have to deal with it. Artie told Sal to just fuck off then if that's the way they feel. Howard said that Sal calls Gary a shitty producer and talks about Artie's father falling off a roof, but then he gets upset when Artie goofs on him.
Sal was still saying that they don't appreciate Artie taking jabs at their work, but it's probably just their paranoia and insecurity. Howard said that Sal is still goofing on Gary about his work there so he should suck it up. Sal said he just does that as a goof though. He thinks that Artie is being sincere when he says that they suck.
Richard said that they're really not back in the office stewing about this stuff. They might get mad at Artie once every two weeks or so. He told Artie not to censor himself because they can take it. Artie said that he wasn't looking for their permission to rag on them and called Richard a dope for thinking that's what he wanted.
All of the guys said that they were going to move on from today. Artie still sounded irritated and told Sal that he really hates his guts and told him he's a phony faggot and a dummy. He told the two of them to stay away from him. He said that he doesn't like either of them. Artie said he's being honest and he doesn't like either of them. He said that he's seen what they are for the serpent, pussy homos that they are and now he doesn't like them.
Sal said that he was going to go watch Beer League this weekend and give him another review. Artie said he doesn't care what he thinks of the movie. He told him that he will never work in this business after this show because he's nothingness and he sucks. He told Sal not to come to him outside because he'll drop him out there. He actually started throwing stuff at Sal after that so Robin told Sal to get out of there. Howard asked Artie what he was doing. He missed it so he asked him what was going on. He told Artie that wasn't cool to throw stuff. Artie said he didn't care and asked Howard to fire him. Howard asked him if that's really what he wants.
Artie said that he's serious and if he sees Sal outside he's really going to drop him. Howard told him he can't do that and wondered what he did that set him off. Artie said that he just can't be around him because he's a phony, so fuck it. He said if Howard wants him to leave, he'll leave. Artie said that they hired a stalker and he can't get away from him. Artie threw a CD at him and something else.
Howard said it's good that he didn't throw something that could hurt him. Artie said that he could have hit him in the eye with it. Artie said that he probably doesn't belong in the business and he never has. Artie said that he really doesn't like Sal and his phony crap and he can't be around him. Howard said he's putting an end to this and these two will get along. He said they'll get along just fine. There will be no more discussion about this. It was fun up until now. It was getting too real. He thanked Robin for making it worse.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard shouldn't be complaining about getting no attention when Artie just gave him a gift yesterday and Howard gave him 45 minutes to talk about squirrels. Howard said he can settle this in 2 seconds and asked Artie if he wants him to do it. Howard asked Artie to promise not to throw anything at him.
Sal came back in and said that he understands Artie's anger. Artie said that he doesn't and this is all about his insane phoniness. Howard said that he doesn't think that it's phoniness. He thinks that it's Sal not knowing how to speak. He said he wants to make things comfortable for these guys there. He told Sal that he can't keep going at it with Artie. He said he knows that they do like each other, at least up until a few days ago. Artie said that he's never liked Sal. He said he's always thought of him as a creep. Now he's stuck working with him.
Howard asked Artie if there's anything about Sal that he likes. Artie said that there's not one thing about him that he does like. He's got a lot of people in his life like that. Howard said he loves them all and asked Artie if he's interested in working there. Artie said he hates working even though this is the greatest job of all time. He said he doesn't like working at all, he just wants to go somewhere and be by himself. He said that it's probably his problem, and probably not even Sal's fault. He said that he's never gotten the proper counseling that he needs. He said he can't walk around in the halls of a big corporation for too long.
Howard said that feelings will change and this is like an open sore and they need to give it the weekend to cool down. He said that they won't bring this up next week, they'll pretend that none of this happened. He apologized to Sal for having something thrown at him. He said that Artie crossed the line throwing stuff at him. Sal said that he didn't get hit though so it's fine.
Howard said they'll give this a rest next week. Sal apologized for upsetting the show and Artie apologized for throwing stuff, but this isn't going to go away. Howard doesn't want anyone coming to work feeling uncomfortable. Howard took some of the blame himself for letting this go a little too far. It wasn't a put on like he thought it might be. This was something real and Artie really hates this guy Sal.
Robin took some blame for it too because she didn't know how Artie really felt. Howard said he's taking this very seriously and he sees that Artie is deeply hurt and that Sal is hurt as well. He said he shouldn't have let it go this far and Robin said she's the one who started it up again. Artie said that if he had done what he wanted to do, he'd be in handcuffs right now.
Artie said that he doesn't trust himself now because he crossed a line that he never thought he'd cross. Sal said that he didn't lunge at him and he didn't hit him so it's a pass this time. He said that Bob Levy threw a bottle of Gatorade at Ronnie one time and nothing happened. Howard said that this is some raw nerve stuff here. Artie asked if he could smoke a cigarette. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. Sal apologized and Artie apologized to him as well for throwing stuff at him. Artie said that it's not about Beer League though. Sal just doesn't get that. Howard had Sal leave before they got into it again.
Artie apologized to Howard and Howard apologized to him as well for pushing the whole situation on the air. He didn't think they were that bitter toward each other. He told Artie that if he's going to be upset, please do it on the microphone. Artie mentioned that Cara Buono, his co-star in Beer League, was out in the green room. He just remembered that. She was there to give her friend a tour of the studio.
A caller said that this was the greatest radio ever. He said he likes that someone finally told Sal the way they really feel about him. Howard said he really has to drop this now and be a responsible broadcaster. Artie said that if this show was scripted, they'd win an Emmy. Howard apologized to Artie for making him so crazy today. He told him to go out and get some pussy this weekend. Jessica Hahn was on the phone a short time later saying that she can help him out with that. She also asked Howard not to censor the show. She didn't think that Artie went too far and it's no different than pounding a fist on a wall or something.
Howard said next week they're going to move on. Jessica said it was the greatest show on earth when that happened. Artie said that he just wanted to say one thing seriously, he then threw in a plug for his Avery Fisher Hall comedy show that he's doing later this month... NYcomedyFestival.com for tickets.
Artie said that he's upset with himself. He thought that he was past doing stuff like that in his life but now he's realized that he isn't. Howard said the cigarette was killing him. Artie said it was the only thing keeping him from exploding in his head. He said he needed some kind of badness in his body. He said he's been smoking a ton lately, so much so that the fire department almost came yesterday.
Ralph called in and said that this diet is going to kill Artie. He said that it wasn't Artie's fault and he knows that he got all worked up. Ralph said that Howard should take all of the blame, not just some of it, because he pushes these guys to the edge. Howard said that they talk about everything on the show and he honestly doesn't read every situation properly. He thought that Sal and Artie were having some fun with this yesterday and he didn't know how it was going to play out.
Artie said that there's nothing different between what he did and what AJ Benza did. Howard and Gary said that he didn't connect with him though so it's not the same. Artie said that if this doesn't work out though, he's going to have to leave. He doesn't like Sal and he doesn't think he can work around him.
Sal came back into the studio but everyone got scared that he was going to say something wrong. Sal said that Artie didn't hit him. He said that he wants to make things more comfortable for him there. Artie apologized to him for throwing the stuff. Sal said that he just wants to make sure that he's comfortable there. Ralph told him that this was annoying and he should just drop it. Gary agreed and told Sal to go do his thing and forget about it. Gary asked if they should bring it up on the Wrap Up Show. Howard told him to just drop it completely. No more of this, not on the Wrap Up Show, not on Superfan Roundtable. Howard said that he doesn't even want it on the Bubba show, Scott Ferrall's show, not even on Kidd Chris' show on terrestrial radio. No more discussions about Artie and Sal. Howard said that they've pushed enough buttons and they're done with that. Artie said that people are paying $13 a month to hear that stuff though.
Gary asked Howard what he would do if Artie asked him ''It's either me or Sal'' what would he do. Howard said he can't deal with that. Artie said that he'd leave himself if it came down to that. Howard told Gary to get out of there because he was getting it going again.
Benjy had a suggestion and said that they should fine Artie or something or else he's going to end up quitting. Howard told him he's limited to 3 meals a day then. He also suggested that they have him clean up a city street or something. Artie said he can't wait to go out and say to Cara ''So, you want to see the studio now?''
Howard wrapped up and said that on Monday, no one is going to remember this. It's going to be over, that's it. He tried wrapping things up with the guys but ended up keeping the show going for a few minutes. He said that he likes an argument once in a while, as long as it doesn't go too far. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest moment on the show. He said that this is what Jersey guys do. Violence was the right response. That made Artie laugh. The guy said that this is what they're paying 13 bucks a month for and he loves it. The guy said that Howard is the only guy who could hold this mess of a family together for so long. He said that they should put away the sharp objects and just move on.
Howard wrapped up the show and did one last live commercial after all of that. They were done around 11:40am.
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Artie's Peace Offering To Sal And Richard. 11/07/07. 6:35am
Howard said that Artie gave him some earth shattering news when he came in this morning. He said he saw him before they went on the air and told him that he has an announcement to make to those two idiots (Sal and Richard). Artie said that he's been thinking about what's been going on with them. He said he wanted to try and patch things up and he wanted to do it on the air.
Howard had Sal and Richard come in so he could say what he wanted to say. Richard showed up first and said that Sal might be taking a shit. Howard said that he'd take a break first then and they'd get to this later. Howard wondered why Sal would come to work and take a shit like that. Richard said he had a newspaper under his arm when he went in there so he was prepared for a long shit. Howard said he heard that Sal does that every day there. He thinks that Sal could do that at home and not bring it to work with him.
Howard said he does try to hide his shits from Beth but yesterday he had to tell her that he had to go so she could clear the room. He said that's the first time that's really happened. He said he wasn't happy about that and he's managed to time it so he can flush as it's coming out of him but there's still a stink. Artie said that he used to play some rock music when he'd do that or jerk off when he was living at home.
Howard figured that Artie was taking multiple dumps every day but Artie said he really only takes one a day. Howard asked where Sal was. He showed up a few seconds later and apologized for taking a dump. Howard told him to do that at home and stop doing it there every day. Sal said he's trained to do it every day at the same time but Howard told him to take it back home.
Howard asked Sal how he wipes and stuff. Sal said that he just uses paper and goes up the asshole with his pinkie. Sal said that he's never had a hemorrhoid before in his life so he must be doing something right.
Howard said that this Artie thing could go right or horribly wrong. He turned the microphone over to Artie and let him do his thing. Sal was having problems with his ass hurting after his shit but Richard didn't think that he had washed his hands. Sal made him smell them before Artie got started.
Artie got to his thing and said that he heard a replay of some of the Wrap Up show and thinks that Jason is really getting beat up over all of this stuff. He said that Jason is just trying to get by and he's just doing things for the show and that's the way the show works. He said that Jason just added to the great radio they did and he wants to get him off the hook.
Artie said that he can see that they can't move on until they get this resolved. He doesn't think it's a funny thing, it's very serious. He said that he's never going to be able to forget some of the stuff that Sal said about him. He said he felt he saw the real guy when he was going off on him about his career and how he'll never have kids because of heroin and the drugs will cause him to have retarded looking kids and stuff like that. He said that Sal goofing on him about his father falling off the roof isn't all that funny either. He said that Sal comparing his phony phone calls to his movie that he worked on for four years is ridiculous. He said that kind of insult to the insult of him saying that they repeat their phony phone calls is out of line.
Artie said that stuff was big but the stuff he said was in reaction to that stuff. He said that him throwing stuff is what he has to apologize for. He said he's willing to call it even at this point. Artie said he has to apologize to Howard for throwing stuff because that was out of line. It was very immature behavior but he was red with anger at that time.
Artie said that talking to Sal sometimes is like talking to someone who isn't that bright. He said that Sal comparing his movie about Robin's meats and vegetables to his Beer League movie is just dumb and he got red with anger over that. Howard said that this isn't going very well and he's still calling Sal not so bright. Artie said he can't move on until he gets all of this out.
Sal asked Howard to please stop interrupting. Artie said he knows that Sal and Richard are smart and they're there for a reason. Howard knows what he's doing and he wants them there. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Howard said it does because he has to work there with them. Artie said he's sorry about the throwing stuff but he also thinks that these guys talking behind his back is really lame. He said that when they complained about that stuff on the Wrap Up Show, everyone knew what they thought about him. He can't trust them if he's going to go behind his back.
Artie said that Jason shouldn't be held responsible for what went down because he was just helping the show by adding stuff to the argument. Artie said if these guys can agree to not talk behind his back again, and just come to him instead, he'll be fine. He said that he may have said some fucked up things to Sal and Richard but he says them to their faces.
Howard asked Artie if he still thinks that he hates Sal. Artie said that he does have a problem with Sal and it's going to take time for it to go away. He thinks that what he said was real and if he really feels that way on any level, then he can't like him. He said that it would be very tough to like someone who thinks that way about him. He said he's not sure how he could have liked him before after what he said.
Artie said that what Sal said about him was really well thought out. He said that Richard comes off as a loveable little hayseed but then he talks about him being two faced in the back office. Artie said that if he was treated like they get treated, he'd quit. He said that he makes like 10 times as much as they do and he feels that he's still underpaid and that they're overpaid. He said that they come in and act like idiots when they do their thing. He said that he's more talented than them and that's why he makes the kind of money he does. He's sick of being walked all over the way they do. He said that he deserves the kind of money he makes and he's not on the same level that they are. He said that maybe one day they'll get better but he doesn't care either way.
Artie said that if Sal and Richard want to be treated the way he's treated, then they have to work harder and make it to where he's made it. He said that he's smarter and funnier than them and that's just the way it is. He said he's just being honest and saying this stuff to their faces. He said he's done stand-up on the road with them before and he knows for a fact that he's better than them.
Artie said that they said some evil, nasty things to him and he has to vent about this. He said he wants them to say stuff to his face if they have something to say about him. He just doesn't want them going behind his back and talking about it. He said that's the biggest problem he has. Artie said that he'll try and watch what he says about them on the air if they'll agree to say stuff to his face.
Artie said that they can take that offer and move on from there. He said he thinks that they can shake hands and move on if they can just agree to that stuff. Artie said that this is hard for him because they remind him of himself when he was first starting out in the business. He said that talking about him behind his back is really, really hurtful to him. That's why they had the big blow up last week.
Howard let Artie talk for a few minutes before he said a word. Artie vented his stuff and told Sal and Richard that they are funny and they deserve the jobs they have. He said that he knows he has a great job there on the show and he won't be as great doing whatever he does because this show is so great. He said that he doesn't feel he's any better than these guys on a personal level but on a professional level he does. He said that he's treated very well because of that. He said he would never fuck Sal's wife though and he doesn't hope that they get AIDS and die. He hopes that they live long lives.
Artie said that everything is off his chest at this point and he wants to let Sal and Richard get stuff off their chests. Robin said that they might need a day to think about it. Sal said that he didn't need to think about it. Fred told him that he might want to think about what he's going to say right now. He told Sal that he might want to think long and hard before he says a word. Sal said that he doesn't need time to think about it but Howard said he was going to take some phone calls. Gary told Howard to let Sal talk.
Sal said that he's very happy that Artie is giving them an opportunity to develop a friendship again. He said that Artie has been very good to them before and he knows that they should have gone to him instead of doing the stuff they did. Sal said he knows that things snowballed and he shouldn't have gone off on him the way he did. He kept it all in until it all came out at once. He said that the things Artie has said about his kids wasn't real and he didn't take it seriously. Sal said that Artie is absolutely right and he won't go behind his back and do that stuff. Artie told him to just do it on the air with him so they can do a bit or something, just don't talk about him behind his back. Sal said that Artie's offer was a very magnanimous thing to do. He had some trouble with the word so Artie told him to just say ''good thing'' instead of using the word.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie is a big baby and he's being ridiculous about this stuff. Another caller said that this has turned into a fag fest and they all suck. One guy told Artie to do a big bag of dope and just end it already.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Artie came off really bad there and it sounds like he's saying that Sal and Richard aren't funny and he is but then told them that they are funny. Howard said he heard it differently and he was just saying that they're not really equals on the show. Artie said that he is treated better than them because he's up a few rungs on the show business ladder than they are.
Howard took some more phone calls and one woman said that she can hear Hallmark knocking on his door soon after hearing his explanation. She said that she agrees with Artie about what he thought but thought that was pretty funny that he thought it was some kind of peace offering.
Another caller said that you put Artie on a diet and he won't shut the fuck up. The caller said that Artie's been whining for the past week. Another guy said that Artie is correct but Sal is a big man for stepping up the way he did today. Melrose Larry Green said that Jessica Hahn is out of her mind and Artie was right with what he did. Another caller said that Artie is absolutely right and he's the fuckin' man for saying what he said to those assholes.
Captain Janks asked Artie if his mother had anything to do with this. Artie said that his mother was upset that he threw something but she didn't have anything to do with this peace offering thing. Janks still thinks that they should box.
Howard asked Richard for his thoughts on all of this. Richard said he wanted to thank Artie for this and he was really upset about what had gone on. He started to break down and said that he felt bad about the whole thing with Jason. He said he felt really bad because Artie had given him a gift that day. He said that he'll definitely go to Artie if he has a problem with him in the future. His voice was quivering as he told Artie how much he loves him and how he hopes to be able to get to where Artie is in his career. He said that he really admires him for how far he's gotten in his career like when he's on Letterman. Artie quickly mentioned that he'll be on Letterman again on November 12th.
Howard brought up the gay stuff that Richard talked about the other day on the Wrap Up Show that made him sound kind of gay. Howard said that Richard admires Brad Pitt and Artie at the same time. Richard said that he admires anyone who has worked hard and made it big. He said that he admires everyone there on the show, even Scott the Engineer and Ronnie. Howard and the guys found that kind of funny. Richard said that everyone there loves what they do and that's why he looks up to them.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and asked Artie if he's going to let Richard go to the gig he has in Cleveland. Artie said that he'd take him back if he wants to come out there with him. Richard said that he'd be honored to be there. Artie said that the crowd loves these guys even if they don't do a long thing up on stage. Howard asked if Sal will ever work with him up on stage. Artie said that they definitely will. Sal said that he can't do the Cleveland date but he would be honored to do other shows with him. Sal said he can't make it to the Cleveland thing because he has some family thing coming up.
Artie told Sal and Richard that they have to learn to suppress their anger like Robin, Fred and Howard have learned to do. Robin said that she's vented on the show and has crushed them.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard is a genius for doing all of this. Sal joked that Howard had sent him an email the night before the big fight and told him to come in and tell Artie that Beer League sucked. Dominic said he wasn't trying to say that Howard would do something like that, he just thinks that this is a great show. He also asked Robin if they discussed that stuff when they went out the other night. Robin said they didn't do that at all.
Sal asked Artie if they could go out to dinner or something to get back to where they were before. Richard wanted to be left out of that, it wasn't his idea, it was all Sal. Artie said that he's fine with that and of course he'd do that. Howard said that means that Artie is going to be paying for another dinner if they do this.
Howard asked if they all wanted to hug after all of this. Artie went into his Godfather impression and said he would hug them. It was an extremely gay show today with the guys breaking down and crying and now hugging. They all hugged in the middle of the studio. Sal said that he told Artie he's an asshole and he's sorry about all of that. Richard went in for his hug and Artie said he smelled pumpkin and shit at the same time. Howard said it looked like Artie was in pain hugging those guys. Artie said that it seems they've worked things out now. Howard said they can now get back to the hard work of making penis jokes.
Howard said he was surprised that Artie was up for the hug. Artie said he was being dead honest during his speech, even if he came off as kind of pompous. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this is all sickening and what Artie did was phony. She didn't like what he did and thinks that he didn't have to say that he was better than them. Artie said he was just being honest. He said that show business is a rare thing and some people can't pull off being self congratulatory. He said that Howard is one guy who can do it but he may have had some trouble pulling it off himself.
Artie's Letterman Appearance Discussed. 01/30/08. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A belching song, Smash Mouth performing ''All Star'' live at a Howard Stern birthday show.
Howard started off the show talking about what they had coming up. He said they'll be playing a game called Beat the Foot. He didn't elaborate on that. He took a phone call who said that he was great on Letterman last night. It's not supposed to air until Friday. He said he was in the audience and saw it live.
Howard asked Artie if he was pleased with his appearance. He said that he thinks that it was actually the best one yet. He said he had a fantastic story to tell this morning about yesterday. He said that the Letterman appearance went really well. He met Paris Hilton in a special room that she had for her and her entourage. Artie said that he has a tiny room to stay in there and Paris had something a little bigger. He said that about 10 minutes before the show Teddy said that Paris wanted to meet him. He didn't know why he'd want to meet her though.
Artie said that he wanted to watch Paris do her interview with Dave and maybe make a funny reference to something that she says and he didn't want to meet her first. She was very insistent though so he went back to meet her. He said she was there like a queen with her feet up on the desk and just hanging out.
Artie said that Paris was stunningly beautiful and she oozes sex. He said that she was very soft and felt like a rich chick. He said that she smelled good and rich. He said that they have a common friend by the name of Jeff Beecher from Las Vegas. He said that she was very nice about everything but they just had some awkward small talk. He said that they went right to Jeff and how they know each other. Artie said that Paris told him that Jeff speaks nicely of him and then there was a pause and some dead silence.
Artie said that he was talking to Paris like any other regular person. He said that he was talking money and stuff like that but it was a very quick discussion. He told Paris not to let Dave fuck with her this time and she just said ''alright, I guess...'' and that was about it. He said that she was very cool and sexy.
Artie said that Paris showed up in a nice dress and changed for the show into another one. He said that she apparently can't do the show in the same dress she showed up in. He watched her segment and he was able to make a couple of jokes about what she said during her segment. He said he didn't catch a vibe about her liking him or anything though.
Artie said that Paris made a reference to how she likes funny guys. He said he used that as a joke during the segment and said he thinks he has a shot at banging her. Howard figured they'd cut that out or bleep it. Artie wasn't sure about that.
Artie said that Paris' segment was good because Dave let her talk and didn't interrupt and she just hung herself by not having anything to say. She'd answer and Dave wouldn't help her out and she'd run out of stuff to say.
Artie's Nightmare Before Letterman. 01/30/08. 6:10am
Artie said that was the Letterman appearance, but that wasn't the end of the story. Howard mentioned what happened yesterday on the show with the three hot chicks they had on. Howard said that he set Artie up with the Penthouse girls and a friend that had come with them. Howard said that he arranged for Artie to get a hand job from one of the girls.
Artie said that he was going to talk about this nightmare of his. He said that he's been avoiding talking about how he might be in a relationship and he didn't want to fuck things up. He said that he told Howard about this but Howard disregarded it. Howard said that he learned that about a week ago but he didn't know that he was so serious about it. He said that he's heard Artie offering chicks money before and he figured that this was a good way to set him up. IF he wasn't interested, he should have just said no. He didn't have to say yes to the girl thing.
Howard said that Artie shouldn't be blaming him for all of this but Artie said that he's really not. Robin said she now understands why he was popping the Subutex.
Artie said that he and Dana were talking over the holidays. Robin asked him if he was kidding. She said she thought that relationship was dead. Artie said that they talked over the holidays and they were going back and forth about giving it a try again. She wanted to do it and they went over that for about a month. He said that about 4 days ago, or less, they were on the phone and he said that they should try to do it again. He said that they were going to give it one more shot.
Artie said that he and Dana were talking about the whole monogamy thing and they were going to try and do that. He said that their relationship is very volatile and he had to figure out a way to say this on the air. He said he couldn't figure out how to do that so he held off.
Howard said that the one girl yesterday said she was going to let Artie suck her nipples. Artie said that one of the girls didn't even stick around, she left before Letterman even started. The other girls weren't going to do anything either so he knew that was going to happen to him. He said that they got their Paparazzi pictures taken and that's all they were looking for.
Artie said that Dana used to come to Conan with him and he told her about going to do that show last night. She asked to come with him but he told her that the show was going to know if she showed up because Steve Langford would be there. He told her it wouldn't be fun. She still talked about possibly coming.
Artie said that Dana was possibly going to show up to this Letterman thing. He said that the story gets really good from here. He said that if it happened in a sitcom, it would be unbelievable.
Artie said that the girls were with him and they were so hot. He said that he was going to say something to them about this but they were so hot that he couldn't get it out. He said that their asses were hypnotizing. He would have thrown away his whole life for that. Howard said he was on his web site looking at those asses again last night.
Artie said that he has a lapse in judgment when he agreed to let the girls come with him. He said that Jason was taking creepy pictures with them and stuff like that. He wasn't going to pursue it with the girls but it was so hard to say no. He told Teddy to just make this bit happen for the show. He went home and did his pre-interview before doing Letterman. He said that was really more pressure than Letterman. He said that it was like having some young kid judging him on what he had to talk about. He said that this kid has to take his stuff and go pitch it to Letterman.
Artie got through the pre-interview and went to lay down. He tried to get in touch with Dana who was at work. He ended up not showering and just went down to his car to get out of there. He went to pick up the girls at the hotel. He said that he was thinking about how this wasn't going to turn out very well. He said that the girls looked amazing when they picked them up. He said that they had tight jeans and shirts on and the make-up turned them from a 9.5 to a 10. He said that they were at the corner of 7th and 31st and they really stuck out so much that the driver knew who they were as soon as he saw them.
Artie said that the girls were in fun mode and they were asking about the pictures all of the paparazzi that were going to be there. Vinnie Favale got involved to try and help him out. Teddy made a bunch of arrangements with them and set up a suite in a hotel and a restaurant. Teddy and Vinnie were coordinating everything. He said that Vinnie e-mailed Teddy to let him know what was going on.
Artie said that Vinnie and Dana were very close in the past. He said that Vinnie had e-mailed Dana about all of this stuff while all of this was going on. He said it must have been a mistake or something. Artie said that he had all of these hot chicks with him and Teddy was playing with his phone or playing a video game or something. He said that he popped another Subutex and figured he had the white clown lips when he got to Letterman.
Three blocks before Letterman Artie sees that he's gotten 4 calls from Dana in a row. Teddy said he got an e-mail from her as well. Artie said that he asked the girls to calm down so he could talk about this. Vinnie had e-mailed her with all of the plans so she called and said something that was so hilarious that he had to giggle. He said that she was so mad.
Artie said that he got Dana on the phone and asked where he was and said that she thought she was going to go. She told him that she was going to make the night easy and check him and the girls into the hotel for him because she had the confirmation number. She had all of the plans that Vinnie had e-mailed to her. Vinnie claimed it was completely accidental.
Artie hung the phone up telling Dana that he was going through the tunnel, there was no tunnel. He said that he asked Teddy what e-mail she could have gotten and he told him about the one that Vinnie had sent to him. He said that Teddy read the e-mail and Artie had it there to read to Howard. In the e-mail Vinnie gave every detail about picking up the girls, what time everything was going to happen and where they were going to go after the show. They were going to go to the Penthouse club after the show. Vinnie was also confirming the arrangements about the hotel room that they had booked for that night. Vinnie had every single detail about him being with the girls, the confirmation number and everything.
Artie said that this is what Dana had in front of her. He said that he picked up on Dana and she was being very funny and asking if she could help him out with anything since she did have all of the info. Artie said that she was very funny but he knows she had to be pissed. Then it slowly dissolved into Dana screaming at him about all of this stuff. Meanwhile, the girls in the car were asking for champagne and stuff.
Artie said that he was doing this for the air but she didn't want to hear that. He said that he knew that the girls weren't going to bang him anyway and it really was just a bit for the air. He said that no one knew what to do after that.
Artie pulled up at Letterman and told Dana that he was going to come over to see her. He said that the girls weren't going to do anything and he knew that from the start. He said that he was devastated and he's really not a bad guy. He said he doesn't cheat on anyone and he's afraid that her family might be connected and might have him killed for all he knows.
Artie said that the girls were there telling him that he wasn't any fun and stuff like that. Then Vinnie greets them when they get there. Howard had Vinnie on the phone and told him that he's an asshole. Vinnie was in his bathroom so the phone was echoing. He's not sure how the e-mail even got to Dana. He said that he made a huge clerical error when he e-mailed her.
Howard asked Vinnie about how this happened. Vinnie said that he sometimes gets a name wrong in his Blackberry. He said that he's not even sure what Teddy's last name is but he knows that's how he stays in contact with Artie. He said that he wasn't that close to Dana but he must have had some contact information for her in his Blackberry. He said that he didn't know that Teddy had his own entry in the Blackberry so he assumed that the contact for Artie was Teddy, not Dana. He said he's mortified over the whole thing. Vinnie said that Teddy called and said that he thought that he hadn't gotten the information in the e-mail so he checked the mail he got and thought that it was Artie's sister.
Artie told Vinnie that he tried to call Dana after that but she told him she had company and she hung up on him. Artie said that he was in the green room drinking and eating like mad. He said that Vinnie wrote her back and tried to explain everything but it apparently didn't help. Vinnie said that everything was canceled and nothing ever happened. Artie said that she knows that because he went home and tried to call her all night.
Artie said that he likes Vinnie and he doesn't really have a problem with him. He said that Vinnie wrote a great e-mail to explain everything but she doesn't want to hear it. He said that the girls went to dinner at the Penthouse club without him. He said that he didn't bother going because he wanted to salvage this Dana thing.
Howard said that he could get involved and try to help out with Dana because he has a little bit of a relationship with her. Artie said that he told her to call into the show this morning so she could hear what was going on. Howard said he thinks he could explain the whole thing to her if she did call in.
Howard said that it's good that he had a great Letterman appearance. Artie said that if he had the choice of bombing on Letterman and saving his relationship, or doing great on Letterman, he'd still pick doing great on Letterman.
Artie said that the people that were there taking pictures at Letterman were really creepy. He spent a minute going off on some of those people. Howard said that they could get back at Vinnie for what he did by sending his wife an e-mail about Vinnie getting a stripper pregnant or something. Robin said that this story is a nightmare. She's never heard anything like that.
Howard told Artie to go over to Dana's house and just propose to her. Robin said he can't do that. That's not going to work. She said that she'd think that Artie is crazy if he did that. Howard said that he is crazy. Robin said she got a card from Dana recently and she realized how much she missed her. Howard told her to keep missing her because this isn't going to happen.
Artie said that Steve Langford was there last night and he didn't want to talk to Vinnie about it in front of him. He told Steve that he couldn't hear the story and had to talk to Vinnie in private. He almost asked Paris about what he should do. Howard said that Artie threw away his whole relationship with Dana just so the fans wouldn't call him gay. That's what it boiled down to. Artie didn't turn down the three chicks yesterday because he didn't want the fans calling him gay.
Howard said that Dana needs to know how sorry Artie is. He wanted to be Dana and had Fred as Artie telling her what he did and explaining why he did it. Fred was saying that he should tell her that he wasn't man enough to tell her about this and how he wanted to regain her trust again. He threw in that he was going to buy 5 dogs too so he could show that he loves dogs. Howard's impression of Dana was really starting to aggravate Artie too.
The guys told Artie that Vinnie should have sent Dana an e-mail saying that it was all just a joke and they were goofing around.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she had a feeling that Dana was back in the picture. She told him that he should go get her and go to Vegas and get married. Robin said he'd have to kidnap her to make that happen. Dana said that she has to know she has to put up with stuff like this if her man is in show business.
Another caller said that Robin is right and they have to back off and let Dana and Artie just work this stuff out on their own. Fred said that Vinnie is the one who really screwed up and cock blocked Artie 4 times if you think about it. He cock blocked him with Dana and the three chicks.
Howard was going to do his Grandma Caprio impression but Artie warned him that he was going to have to do his Beth impression and talk about the 80 kids he's going to have with her. Howard wasn't sure he could take that so he backed off.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked Artie about the relationship and if they were actually back together before all of this happened. Artie said that they were working on that. They sorta had a date. King of All Blacks called in and told Artie that he has to blame the show for all of this stuff. He can't take the blame himself.
Artie said that this stuff might work for a rookie girlfriend but not for Dana. She knows better. Artie said that he loves Dana as a 10 on a scale of 10. He said that he really does love her and he's on the edge of madness at this point. He said that there's nothing stopping him from driving to Peru right now and just getting a hut to sit in and do heroin in.
Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression as Fred was playing some sad love song. He only did that for a minute before dropping it. Robin said that she doesn't know of a bigger fuck up than what Vinnie did to Artie. Howard got back into the Grandma Caprio thing and Artie warned Benjy to stop writing jokes if he ever wanted another gift from him.
Artie eventually got into his Beth impression and got on his megaphone to get back at Howard for his impression. He was talking about poking holes in condoms as if he were Beth doing that.
Howard said that this is really horrible and Vinnie may have ruined Artie's life. He said that there are no mistakes, this could be a psychological thing with Vinnie and he may have been trying to sabotage him on purpose. Artie said that Teddy is lucky that he wasn't the one who was at fault. He said he wouldn't have just fired Teddy, he would have done much worse.
Howard said that to punish Vinnie, he's never going to do Letterman again. He said that Vinnie can go tell Letterman why he's never doing the show again and take the blame. Howard said that this is bigger than the Mike Gange incident that he had when he went porno to an ex-priest. Artie said that it's in the same category of an unbelievable story that would be in a sitcom. No one would believe it if it was in a sitcom.
Howard asked Robin what she'd do if she got an e-mail like that about Jim Florentine. Artie said that Jim isn't a cad like him so he'd never do anything like that.
Howard said he was going to move on but he was very sorry to hear this. He said that he hopes that Artie and Dana can get back together and work things out. Artie said that the one girl didn't even stick around yesterday and the only girl he could have had a chance with was the dark haired girl. She lives out in San Diego though.
Howard told Dana to come to her senses and blamed her for all of this. He said that he should just blame her for everything. Artie said that some guys would do that. Artie said that he should say ''what are you doing getting e-mails from Vinnie?'' and blame her completely.
Howard said that this was some story. Artie said that it really is a good story, he knew he had something for the air after all of this went down.
Ralph called in and said that he doesn't see how they can get mad at Vinnie for the mistake he made. Howard said that Ralph is ''Mr. Mistake'' and of course he's not going to blame Vinnie. Howard talked about all of the stuff that Ralph breaks at Sam Simon's house and at his place too.
Ralph said that Vinnie was just trying to have some fun with this stuff and he didn't send the mail out on purpose. He said that he doesn't understand how Artie isn't taking the blame for any of this because he invited the girls to Letterman. Ralph said that Dana doesn't live in a bubble, she would have found out about this eventually. Howard said that he could have gotten away with it.
Is Sal Mean Or Just Plain Dumb? 01/30/08. 7:00am
Howard said he wanted to come back from break and re-address the Doug Goodstein thing that he did yesterday. He got some feedback about the whole thing and wanted to talk about it again. Artie was saying that he could talk more about this on the wrap Up Show. That led to Howard talking about how Artie is right about Sal being the dumbest guy in the world. He said that he was saying stuff on yesterday's Wrap Up Show that was just dumb.
Howard said that Sal was on the Wrap UP Show being a real asshole about the jokes he told about Beth at one of their roasts. He made some comments about her looks and she was really hurt by them. Howard said that Beth isn't really part of the roast but Sal made the comment anyway. They had an e-mail relationship before that and he apologized to her in an e-mail so Beth was going to let it pass. Then a couple of days later people had posted clips of Sal doing jokes about her at comedy clubs when he was out on the road.
Howard said that Beth got upset about Sal doing the jokes more and she gave up on trying to be friends with him. He said that she was told that he wasn't going to do it again but he did. She wanted him to just stay away from her. Howard said that she said she didn't want Sal at their wedding because he lies to her. She doesn't want a liar standing there in front of her looking at her when she knows that he's a liar.
Howard said that the topper to all of that is that Sal goes on the Wrap Up Show and calls him a pussy. Sal came in to defend himself but Howard told him that he's really just an asshole. Sal said he was calling Howard a pussy because he's not going to invite him to his wedding when he's pretty sure that he wants him there. Howard said that he's not going to cram Sal down her throat. He said that he has to spend the rest of his life with her and he's not going to do that to her.
Sal said that he did apologize to Beth for all of that and they were getting along after that. Howard said that she wasn't getting along, she had nothing to do with him. Sal said that they got along at social functions. Howard said that she just does that to be nice, she doesn't want anything to do with him.
Howard told Sal that Beth doesn't like him and she doesn't want him at the wedding. Sal said he knows that but he thinks it would be nice if Howard invited him to the wedding. Sal kept saying that they've been getting along but Robin told him that he doesn't even know that they're not getting along. Sal also said that he wasn't happy about him saying that they were going to invite his wife and her emotional friend to the wedding instead.
Howard said that Beth thought that Sal was mean yesterday but Howard told her that he's not mean, he's just dumb. Sal said that they prod him like a piece of cattle on that show and they try to get stuff out of him. Fred said that he's the king of blaming other people for his misfortunes. He said that he's a whore for air time and that's why he jumps in like that all the time.
Sal was going to walk out of the studio but came right back in and yelled about how he can't win at anything. He asked for them to douse him with gasoline, light him on fire, fuck him in the ass and more. He said that he loves Beth and Howard and he wishes them both well.
Howard told Sal that he's stupid and he's going to explain to him why. He said that this isn't even about Beth, this is about him calling him a pussy on the air. He said that he's not his friend and he's not sure why he thinks that he is. Sal said he was mistaken about that then. He thought they were friends but they're apparently not.
Sal said that Howard knows that he's not a mean person. He said that Howard could tell Beth that and get her to come around and invite him to the wedding. Howard said that he agrees with Beth on this whole thing, he's not being a pussy about it. He said that he wouldn't want Sal at the wedding either.
Robin said that Beth has a personal dislike for Sal and that's why she's not going to invite him to the wedding. Sal said he knows that and he's not trying to impose on that. He said that he just works there and that's what Howard should tell Beth.
Gary came in and told Sal that on 10/26/06 he made the joke about Beth. Then a few days later he apologized to Beth. Then in January of 2007 he did the joke again at a comedy show and screwed her over again. Sal said that he sent Beth an e-mail 6 months later and apologized to Beth for what he'd done. He said that they started talking again 4 months after that and they were back to talking again. Howard said that she doesn't remember all of that and she doesn't want to be friends with him.
Sal said that he's confused because he thought that they were getting along and they were talking at these events. Howard said that she doesn't trust him and doesn't know anything about him. Howard told Sal to get out of his life and stop e-mailing people in his life. Fred played the ''Sal's a Homo'' theme song but Howard said that this isn't a joke, he really wants the guy out of his life.
Artie said that this is the frustration he had with Sal that day he threw stuff at him. He said he can't justify throwing stuff at him but that's why he did it. The guys wondered how his wife puts up with that stuff every day of her life. She has to argue with him and they're not sure how she does it.
Howard said that Sal was sending e-mails to Beth when he was out on the road still telling jokes about her. That's what really upset her. She didn't know why someone would do that to her. He said that she thinks that Sal is going to come to the wedding just to get material that he can use in a comedy bit. Fred said that he'd probably fall off that wagon eventually and he would tell jokes about her in his act.
Howard said that he loves Sal as a co-worker but he's hard to talk to and he just doesn't understand that he brings this stuff on himself. He's so defensive about everything that he won't listen and understand what's being said to him. Robin said that he will also eventually cave in and take the party line with people who argue with him even if he doesn't understand what's being said. Howard said they had to take a break a short time later.
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Beat The Foot With Big Foot And Michelle. 01/30/08. 8:35am
Howard said that they were contacted by this woman Michelle who wanted to win some breast implants. They were going to play this game with her but had a hard time finding Big Foot to play this game they had planned. They finally found him and had the two of them in today. Howard talked to Michelle about her boobs and she said that they're too small for her and she wanted to get them bigger. She also suffers from an auto immune disease that makes her joints hurt.
He read through some other notes about her and then told her that this game is called Beat the Foot and it's kind of like the old game ''Password.'' He said that the money is from their sponsor which was the movie ''Strange Wilderness.'' Howard said they have some money to play with and every time the two of them match they'll give her $500. They're going to split the money so she'll get $750 total if she gets them all right.
Howard had Big Foot come in after that. Michelle hadn't seen him before. Howard said that he's grown a beard and it's very big. Big Foot said that he's been living in some place and he's not sure what the name of it was. He said that he was at Caroline's comedy club and he was more of a comedian than the comedians on stage. He said that he was telling jokes that were funnier than the guys on stage. He told the guys what some of the jokes were but they didn't make a lot of sense. He was also using his ''it is'' line after most of what he was saying... it is. He said that he was working with the comedian on stage and doing a see-saw thing with him.
Howard cut Big Foot off and asked him about why he's suing the state of Vermont. Big Foot said that he had several cases going on and he didn't know exactly what they were because he can't read. Howard heard that he was upset that no one was celebrating his 50th birthday too. He said that the people he was living with didn't bother celebrating it. That led to him talking about how he was going to a shrink and the shrink was telling people about the stuff that he was talking about in his sessions.
Howard asked Big Foot if he was swearing off women. Big Foot said that he might because his hand is getting more action than women are. He said that at least his fingers don't talk back to him... it is. Big Foot said that he had a girlfriend but she was cheating on him behind his back. Howard thought that he was taking her back but Big Foot said that he wouldn't take her back with a 10 foot pole.
Howard told Michelle that she had to play with this guy. He told her that he was going to have her leave the room and they'd give Big Foot the password. Artie told her that she's the luckiest person in the room because she gets to leave now.
Howard said that he was going to tell Big Foot the word he had to try and get Michelle to say. He said that he was going to have to come up with other words that she might relate to the word they give him. He said if she matches the Foot, they get $500 put into the pot. Then they'll share the winnings if they win anything.
Howard wanted to practice with Big Foot so he gave him the word ''Pencil'' and told him to try to get him to say pencil. Big Foot said ''paper'' and Howard said ''writing.'' Big Foot gave him ''lead'' and that's just what they were looking for. He had the concept down just right.
Howard told Big Foot that the word is going to be ''Jew.'' Big Foot said he knows what that is. They brought Michelle back in after that and put a minute on their clock. Big Foot had to use 5 different words to get her to say this secret word. Big Foot started out with ''Bum.'' Michelle thought ''derelict'' and then Big Foot had a problem coming up with something else. Big Foot was trying to think but came up empty. He told her he didn't know another one. Then he ran out of time.
Howard asked Big Foot what he was thinking with the bum word. He said that he was thinking of a penny pincher or something like that. Howard said that they were going to send Big Foot out of the room now and give Michelle a word. He said that her boobs weren't going to be getting any bigger after this. Howard gave Michelle the word ''coffee'' and had Big Foot come back in a short time later.
Howard said that they're going to have to use simple words since they'd be there all day long if they kept this up. Howard asked Big Foot why he kept his file folder with him all the time. He's worried about people losing it. Michelle tried to get Big Foot to say the word and it actually worked, even after she said ''cream'' and he answered ''jissum.''
Howard sent Michelle out again and gave Big Foot another word. This time it was ''Masturbate.'' Big Foot said he could do this one. He knows about that. Howard had Michelle come back in and told Big Foot to go. He said ''Sex, queers...'' and then locked up. He had nothing else for her. Big Foot was thinking hard but nothing was coming out. Howard wondered what happened there. Big Foot said that sometime she just can't think. He ran out of time again. Big Foot said that queers usually masturbate each other so that's why he thought she'd get it with that word.
Howard sent Big Foot out of the room again and told Michelle that the word was ''Tampon.'' They had Big Foot back in and went right into it with him again. Michelle gave him ''Period'' and he said ''tampax'' which was close enough for Howard. He gave it to them even though it wasn't exactly the right word.
Big Foot said that he knows about periods and he'll even have sex with a woman if she's on her period. He said that's what they make wash cloths with. Howard told them that they had $1000 in the kitty so far and they could go for another $500.
Howard sent Michelle out and gave Big Foot the word ''Mexican.'' He said that he was trying to think of some clues as they brought Michelle back in. Big Foot threw out ''border'' and Michelle got the word immediately. They won the maximum amount of money after that. Howard said that they were going to split the $1,500.
Howard said that he's not crazy about Big Foot's beard but he does like the long hair. Big Foot said that he's investigating his case himself and he grew it to hide himself while he's doing the investigating. He's under cover right now and trying to hide from people. He said that's why he can't say where he's living because he doesn't want to expose himself. Howard said that Big Foot reminds him of that character Fletch.
Artie thought that Big Foot had some Vikodin on him but Big Foot told him that he didn't, but he knew where he could get some. A caller asked Howard why he was letting them win this money so easy. Howard told the guy that they're dealing with Big Foot, they have to do it that way.
Michelle told Howard that the $750 will help her out and any amount will help. Artie told her to save up enough to get a reputable doctor and not just get one breast done or anything like that.
Big Foot said that he's going to use the money to get his car fixed. Sal came in and asked if they could take a look at her boobs and give her some more money. He said that he had $7 on him. Artie said that he'd give her two tickets to see him at Mandalay Bay. Gary said that he had some money. He had another $500. She took them up on that offer. They told her it had to be 5 seconds at least. Howard counted to 5 and told her that her boobs were actually nice. She said that they're cute and perky but she'd like them bigger.
Howard said that he was going to do the math and figure out what she'd be walking away with today. She came up with the answer herself even though they were going to have Big Foot try and figure it out. She figured they didn't have enough time for him to figure it out.
Howard was going to wrap up after that but Robin said that she was having fun with the game. Howard said he had another game that he could play. IT was the Clif Palate name game. Artie asked him if he'd eat a newspaper for $500. He said he'd eat some of it, not the whole thing. Artie asked him to eat a certain section of it and Big Foot wondered if it would cause gas.
Gary said that they had a Smarter than a 5th Grader questions for Big Foot if he wanted to give him another $500. Howard said that they'd do that and asked Big Foot if he is smarter than a 5th grader. Big Foot said he got through 6th grade so he should be. He said that he was in Special Ed though. Howard told him that he is very special.
Howard looked through the questions and said they were all too hard. He read one, ''What was the first name of the famous composer Beethoven?'' but Big Foot had no clue. He said he didn't have the foggiest idea. Artie asked him if he knew Beethoven's last name. Big Foot was clueless, he had no idea that Beethoven was his last name. Howard asked him for the first or the last name. Big Foot was thinking and said ''Tiny Tim or something...''
Howard and Artie asked him what Ludwig Von Beethoven's name was. Big Foot didn't get that they were giving him the name. He said he wasn't even thinking about that.
Big Foot did know how many nickels are in a dollar. Howard said that was one correct answer. He asked him who is buried in Grant's tomb and he got that right when he said ''Grant.'' He said it was starting to seep in there and he is getting it. Howard asked him who the first president was. Big Foot was stumped again. He said ''Ford.'' Howard asked him what color Gary's white horse was and he got that one right. Howard gave him the $500 based on that.
Howard said he was going to ask Big Foot what weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers. He said that bricks weigh more of course. He said that feathers hardly weigh anything. Even after it was explained to him, he still thought that feathers weighed less.
Howard got in some plugs for the sponsors, including ProFlowers.com, who gave them the extra $500 for each of the contestants. Howard also thanked Big Foot for not trying to touch Michelle. Big Foot said he's not like that, he's not going to touch her. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Tracy Morgan Visits. 03/24/08. 8:35am
After the break Howard had Tracy Morgan come in. He said he was going to play a prank call the guys made using his voice. He mentioned that Tracy is in this new movie ''Super Hero'' that's coming out. He said that Tracy is one of his favorite guests.
Howard played the prank call the guys made using his audio clips. They had him making fun of this woman's cough. Tracy seemed to think that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Tracy about how his career seems to be on fire right now. Tracy said that this movie that he's in is kind of a spoof of super hero movies and he plays Professor Xavier in the X-Men spoof. Tracy said that there are a couple of movies that he beats off to and one of them is Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' (which he called Body Parts) when the Kielbasa queen is taking the kielbasa down her throat. He said that he loves that shit. He was saying that he loves gagging a woman with his penis. He said he likes to see mascara running.
Howard asked Tracy about how he didn't talk to his mother for many years. Tracy said that his mother had a lot of issues and had to raise a son with cerebral palsy. He said that she gave a lot of her attention to him and didn't pay attention to him as much as she could. He said he forgave her for that though and they're good now.
Howard said that Tracy had an Epiphany while shooting a scene for a movie and figured he had to forgive her. Howard said that maybe the choking women thing comes from that hate for his mother. Tracy said that has nothing to do with it and he just likes the feel when his cock is in a woman's wet, warm mouth.
Tracy said that he also likes to beat off to Caligula and to the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee home sex video. He said that he thinks that she's still out of his league though and didn't try to get her when they were doing the movie together.
Howard said that Tracy owns a $450,000 car and figured he had a lot of money. Tracy said he's making up for what his father couldn't do. That's why he has a car like that.
Howard asked Tracy if he's ever paid for a hooker. He said he used to do that when he was in high school. He said that he'd do all kinds of crazy stuff with those girls. He said that he'd play with the butt hole and all of that stuff with those women.
Howard said the last time Tracy was there he was talking about how he was loving his sobriety. He said that he's been clean for a couple of months now. Last time he was wearing an ankle bracelet that would warn people if he was drinking. Howard said that he read a day later that he had gone out drinking the day after he was on the show. Tracy said that his bracelet is really sensitive and he's not drinking. He said he got his license back and hasn't been drinking.
Tracy said that he wants to be able to drive that $450,000 car. He said that one time he drove that Ferrari to his friend's house and when he came out there was a pair of panties on the car with some discharge in them. He said that he loves discharge, that's like the special sauce on a Big Mac.
Tracy was saying that he doesn't mess around with the younger women who don't know how to clean their stink box. He likes women who are his age, around 35.
Tracy said that his father had a huge dick and it was like a Louisville slugger down there. that's where he got his stuff from. He said that he has a baby arm in his pants and it should end up in the Smithsonian. He said he has about 9 inches and it's thick. He said that the girls aren't scared of it though. He said he can last about 15 minutes or so with a woman.
Howard said he knew a black guy when he was a kid and they shared a tent together at camp. Tracy was hoping that he wasn't going to hear a Brokeback Mountain type of story. Howard said that he and this guy used to talk about how long they could last and he was never able to hold out while the black guy was. Tracy told Howard to just slow down and take a breath when you think you're going to cum. Tracy said that he would beat his dick like it owed him money if he had to. Artie loved hearing that because he knows that Bob Levy is going to say that the joke was stolen from him. Tracy said that everyone knows that joke in the business.
Howard talked to Tracy about his marriage failing after 21 years. Tracy said that they're getting divorced because they just had to go their separate ways. He said that his son is 22 years old and his other kid is 16.
Tracy said that the only way Hillary Clinton could get his vote is if she had beaten Monica Lewinsky's ass. He said that she didn't do that and she's not going to get his vote. He said that Barack Obama's wife wouldn't put up with that shit.
Tracy said that he met Governor Spitzer and he was telling him that his wife wasn't giving him anything. That's why he was going to that whore. Tracy was also saying that if Barack Obama wins the Presidency, he's going to walk up to him and say ''What up nigga'' and he has to go to his after party because he's pretty sure that P. Diddy is going to be there.
Tracy said that he'd love to be with Hillary too and stink up the room having sex with her. Howard and Tracy spent a minute talking about her and how she let Bill slip with that Monica Lewinsky thing. He said that there's a reason they don't let women become president. He said that she'll have her period one day and push the button.
Howard asked Tracy if he's going to vote in the next election. He said that he probably would but he hasn't voted since he voted for David Dinkens. He said that guy fucked up after he voted for him and he hasn't voted since then.
Gary asked if Tracy was even allowed to vote. Tracy went off on him for saying that and called him a fuckin' prick and some other names. He said that he wouldn't be on ''30 Rock'' if he was a felon.
Tracy was going on and on talking about the size of his dick and how he used to go to a public pool and take a shit in it when he was a kid. He said he did that because it showed that he had power. He said that if he shit in the pool they had to shut it down and that was how he did it. Howard asked where else he has shit. He said he's done that on some women before. He said that he really has done that and the girls rub the shit into their titties. He said he would do that to the chick that Spitzer was with. He said he'd tell her he was going to fart on her but then he'd shit.
Tracy said that women love money and men love freedom. He said that he's never known a man who fucked a woman for a mink coat.
Robin said that she read that Tracy was at Caroline's recently and people booed him and walked out. Tracy said that wasn't true, that didn't happen.
Howard asked Tracy if he was faithful to his wife in that 21 years he was with his wife. Tracy said he had to think about that for a minute. He said that he never penetrated another woman when he was with his wife. Howard asked him how long it took after the divorce thing came up that he got laid. Tracy said that he had to go out on the road and work so he was getting lonely. He said that he's still single now though.
Howard asked Tracy about Pam Anderson and why he wasn't going after her. He said that he was letting all of the girls know that they were looking good on that set.
Howard gave Tracy some plugs for the new movie and then took some phone calls. Howard picked up a call but ended up talking to Tracy about some of the movies he's working on. He just did one with Ice Cube and has one coming up with Jessica Biel. That led to Tracy talking about this hot chick he met on a flight a couple of months ago. He said that he went to the bathroom and beat his dick in there before she went and shot his load on the door handle. He said that the hot chick on the flight had to touch it to get out of there.
Howard asked Tracy what stars he's fucked. Tracy joked that he had been with Sigorney Weaver. He said that she really turned him on in ''Alien.'' Howard wanted a real answer so he asked who he's had. He said that he had an A-list celebrity that he banged but he didn't say who it was. He said that she rode his dick and said it felt like it was in her stomach.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that he's the shit. He asked if he's had more than one girl at the same time. Tracy said that he had 5 in his hotel room in Vegas one time. They were hookers though. He said that you only live once.
Howard took some more calls for Tracy. One guy asked him about the pizza commercials he does and if he was paid in cash or pizza. Tracy said that he gets money for that. He said he's got a great management team that takes care of him. He said he's got a couple of million saved up. Howard figured that his wife was going to come after him for that. He said that she's still his partner and she's still giving him advice on how to do stuff.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who said that Tracy is radio gold. He asked him what the craziest stuff is that he's done with chicks, other than shitting on a chick. Tracy said that he gave a chick a Dirty Sanchez one time.
Howard asked Tracy if he wants more kids. He said that he does and the world would be a better place with more Tracy Morgan's out there. He said that he may slow down and have more kids with the right woman. He said that the woman has to be the right one though. Howard said he thought that his marriage is going to last forever. Tracy said that she's not going anywhere and he was just with her last night. She was making him a meal and stuff like that.
Howard asked Tracy if he could ever marry a woman who he'd shit on. He said he could never do that. He'd get as far away from them as possible. He said he'd never be with a chick who had shit all over her.
Howard asked Tracy about the 10,000 pair of sneakers he has. Tracy said that he spends his money on sneakers, cars, porno and CDs. That's the kind of stuff he likes to buy. He wears his sneakers once and keeps them. He said the sneakers he had on today he'd never wear again. Howard said that sounds like some crazy shit to him. He's got 6500 pair on the East Coast and the other 4500 are on the West Coast.
Tracy said that he won't even get to go to the premiere for the new movie he's got out. He said that he'll be busy working on ''30 Rock'' and getting that money.
Howard asked Tracy about the new black governor they have there in New York. Tracy said they have to wait and see how he does. He said that he doesn't care what color the guy is as long as he's doing his job.
Tracy was talking about how great it is to go out with ghetto chicks. He said that if you take a ghetto chick out to Red Lobster, you're like a king. He said that the pussy tastes even better after a chick has eaten some king crab legs from Red Lobster.
Tracy said that he was just kidding about the shitting on the women thing. He said he had to say that as a disclaimer. He really didn't do that and doesn't want people thinking he did.
Tracy said that he's writing a book with this guy Anthony Boza. That's the same guy that's working with Artie. Artie said he thought he was just writing his book, he didn't know he was writing Tracy's at the same time. Tracy said that he's got a lot of fucked up stories to tell in his book. He said that he was exposed to a lot of shit when he was a kid that he shouldn't have been exposed to.
Tracy talked about how he's chosen to give his wife $21,000 a month. He said that he's making about a million a month so it's not that big of a deal to him. He said that Paul McCartney probably doesn't care that much about the kind of money he's giving his ex-wife.
Howard asked Tracy if he's going to freak out when he finds out his wife has been with another man. He said he will. She's still fucking him though so he's not too worried yet. He said that she makes him wear a condom though. He was telling Howard that he was banging this chick the other day and she said she was on her period. He said he told her that he has no problem with that, he'll run a red light once in a while.
Tracy said that he has to pop some blue pills to get up his dick sometimes. Howard said that he's never had to do that. Tracy told him that's because he's crazy. He went on to say that he doesn't want his wife giving it up to any other man, ever, even if he dies. He said that she might have given him up but he's not giving her up.
Tracy said that he's really staying sober and not smoking weed or anything like that. He said he used to get high when he was younger but not anymore. He said that he's 39 years old now and doesn't do that shit. Tracy said that he's going to be at Caroline's next month and wanted him to come out and see him. He'll be there on the 10th. Howard wrapped up with Tracy a short time later. They got in some plugs for the new movie and went to break.
Next up they played Daryl Hall performing ''Sara Smile'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio. They ended the show around 12:15pm.
Ryan Phillippe Visits. 03/20/08. 8:50am
After the break Howard came back and brought in Ryan Phillippe. He came in and told Robin that she was looking sexy. Robin asked the guys to leave them alone. Ryan told Artie that he's a big fan of his. Howard warned him not to bother Artie when he's carrying food.
Howard asked Ryan when he started listening to the show. He said he was about 13 and Howard's voice is the one voice in his life that he's heard more than any other. Howard thought that he kind of blew him off at an event one time. Ryan said that Reese (Witherspoon) was probably the one who wasn't so warm to him.
Ryan said that he was on a class trip the day that Howard was doing his DeBella funeral and snuck over to see it. He said that he's been listening to the show every day and that's what's made him who he is now. Howard said that he likes that he's raised some kids like that who go on to be famous. Artie said that for every Ryan there are 10 guys working in gas stations.
Howard brought up this movie ''Stop Loss'' that Ryan is in. They spent a minute talking about what that movie is about before Howard changed subjects. Howard asked him about his marriage to Reese and how it seems like he's coming into his own now that he's not married to Reese anymore. Ryan said that he does just fine on his own.
Ryan brought up the scene that he did with Fred and how he heard that Fred was going to beat him up after he had to give him the finger in that scene. Howard said that Fred sometimes can't tell the difference between acting and reality.
Howard asked Ryan if he had a charmed life and did the acting thing in school. He said that he went to a Christian school so he didn't have any acting classes. Howard said it looked like Ryan's microphone was bothering him so he had him move it. He said he's never had any luck with microphones in the 30 years he's been doing radio.
Howard asked Ryan how he got into the acting thing. He said that his mother had a friend who suggested that he get into modeling or something. He said he wanted to be an actor though and that's what he ended up doing. He said that he didn't get laid when he was young. He said he was 17 before he got laid for the first time. He said that he didn't even get oral before then.
Howard asked Ryan about his first sexual experience. Ryan said that she was a bit older than him. He didn't get into too many details about that.
Howard was telling Robin how to pronounce Ryan's last name but he got it wrong. Ryan corrected him but Howard told him that he was wrong and insisted that was saying it the right way.
Howard said that he knew that he and Reese weren't going to last. Ryan said that they were both pretty young when they got married and they didn't know what to expect. Howard said that Reese is hot and he'd love to bang her. Ryan told him to go for it.
Howard said that it must be tough for him to do love scenes and not pop a rod. Ryan said that he has popped a rod, he is red blooded after all. He said he did a love scene with Salma Hayak so Howard figured he popped one there. He asked him if he does them nude. He said that he does do the scenes nude sometimes. He thinks that he did that with Salma. He said that it is kind of strange to do it and it's not very erotic. Howard said that he wouldn't be able to do a nude scene like that because he wouldn't want anyone seeing his ''button'' down there.
Howard asked Ryan about getting a full boner when he does the scenes and if he ever penetrates the women. Ryan said he's heard of that happening but he's never done that. Howard asked him if he feels her wetness against him. Ryan gave him a big ''Whoa, whoa...'' when he heard that.
Ryan told Howard about some of the other chicks he's had scenes with and mentioned Angelina Jolie. Howard asked him about her. Robin said that she seems to be the type who would be willing to go all the way in a sex scene to make it seem real. Ryan said that they were a bit younger back then. Howard asked him if she tugged on his junk in the scene. Ryan said that he didn't remember.
Howard told Ryan he's had too good of a life. Ryan said that it has been up and down. He said that he feels like he's Artie when he hears some of his stories. Howard mentioned that Artie hasn't stopped eating through this whole interview.
Howard asked Ryan more about the Angelina Jolie scene and if the passion ever carries over after the shoot. He said that it might for some people. Howard asked Ryan about a story he read about him making out with Britney Spears in a club last year. He denied that story and said that it's just not true. He said that if you are just in the vicinity with someone like that they'll link you to them.
Howard asked Ryan about Ashelee Simpson. Ryan said that he stood next to her in a club for a while but he wasn't there with her. Howard said that maybe she wanted him and asked why he'd turn her down. Ryan said that maybe some people just want to be linked to him and that's why the stories get out. He said that he doesn't want to be with people like that though.
Howard asked Ryan if he was friends with Heath Ledger. He said he knew him but wasn't that close. He said that he was a good guy and doesn't think that he was trying to hurt himself when he overdosed.
Ryan was telling Howard about how he was with Reese for 10 years and he's not used to being single. Howard said that Ryan is rumored to be with his co-star in ''Stop Loss.'' Ryan said that's what they're saying but that doesn't mean it's true.
Ryan mentioned that he had a movie out called ''Breach'' that came out last March and people seemed to forget all about it. Robin said that was a great movie too. Howard said he must have missed it somehow.
Howard asked Ryan how he remembers all of he is lines. Ryan said that he does it out of fear. Howard said that he couldn't even remember the lines in Private Parts and that movie was all about him.
Howard said that if he were Ryan he'd be picking people like this chick on the cover of Maxim magazine to date. He told Ryan that he should date this Sofia Vergara chick. Ryan joked that he'll do that when he gets out of there.
Ryan said he was talking to Clint Eastwood about the stuff he used to get away with in the past before the tabloids all came out. They didn't follow him around back in the day when he was getting chicks.
Howard said that he thinks that Ryan just got married too young and maybe if he had met Reese when he was in his 30s, they'd last longer. Ryan said that they have great kids together. He said that his parents were married but he didn't say ''happily'' when he mentioned that. He said that they did struggle with the family because they had 4 kids and not a lot of money. Howard said that his conversation with his parents about dropping Reese must have been tough.
Howard talked about how his conversation went with his parents about his divorce. He said that his father told him that if he got horny he should go to a hooker. He thought that was kind of odd. Ryan said that he and Reese both agreed that they should break up. He said that it was a mutual thing and they had been spending a lot of time apart before they made that decision.
Ryan talked about some of the great directors that he's worked with so far. His first film was with Ridley Scott and he's worked with Clint Eastwood and others.
Howard said that Beth is going to the premiere of this movie tonight. He told Ryan not to steal her from him. He went on to give him some more plugs for the movie. Artie said that he's seen a lot of his movies and really liked a lot of the stuff he's been in.
Howard asked Ryan what kind of money he's making these days. He figured it was about 5 million and Ryan said that he does get offers like that. Howard asked Ryan what movies he's turned down that have been really big. He said he was close to getting Anakin Skywalker in the newer Star Wars movies but he's kind of glad he didn't get that part now that he's seen them.
Howard asked Ryan who he's hanging out with. He said that he has a couple of friends who are really big fans of Howard's. Howard said that he had a pussy posse of his own when he was single. They'd go out and pick up chicks just about every night. Howard told Ryan to hang out with Leonardo DiCaprio and maybe this comedian Gallagher. Ryan said that the only actor in his posse is Breckin Meyer. Howard didn't know who that was but Robin did.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was in the service and ended up getting called back into Iraq. Ryan talked about how authentic they tried to keep the movie and said that they had a few soldiers that they were working with.
Another caller said he liked hearing that this guy was a big fan of the show and a true fan. He said that he's not forgetting about the show either. Howard said that Ryan is proud to be a fan too. Ryan said that if he ever wins an Oscar, he would be willing to bring it in and let them use it in any way they wanted. He said that the statue is kind of sharp though.
Howard asked Ryan a few Stern questions to find out just how much of a fan he is. He knew all of the answers. He said that he tried to order one of those Beetlejuice busts that Howard has but he never got it after plunking down the $250 that they were asking for. Howard said that was probably just a mistake and he'd see if they could take care of that.
Howard asked Ryan a few more questions and stumped him on some stuff. He knew JD's name but didn't know where his mother ran off to. Howard had JD come in so Ryan could meet him. He told Ryan that JD has had the opposite life as he has.
Howard told Ryan about how JD got screwed over the other night when he went out to see a chick that he was talking to on the web. He got turned away from the club because he was too nerdy. Ryan said that he should have dropped Howard's name. JD said he doesn't like doing that.
Howard talked about going to Studio 54 one time but he wasn't cool enough to get into the VIP area. He was just in the regular area.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked Ryan to take his shirt off so they can take some pictures and put them up on the web. She said that she would love that. She said that she's 43 years old though so Artie gave her a buzzer sound for having the wrong answer. Ryan said he probably wouldn't date anyone over 30 at this point.
Howard asked Ryan when he realized that Robin was not a white woman. He said he knew pretty early on. He said that he wasn't shocked by that. He said that black people don't shock him. He said that he's a Barack Obama supporter too. He and Robin talked about that a little bit. Howard said that some people think he's against Obama because he's black but that's a bunch of horse shit. He said if he was that screwed up he wouldn't be able to vote for a woman either. Howard said that his daughters are really for Obama but that's not going to change his mind.
A woman called in and asked Ryan if he's ever been with any black women. Howard and the guys guessed before he answered and figured he had. They were right. Ryan said that he's been with at least one. Howard asked him if he'd make love to an amputee. He said that he might. He was laughing when he said it so Howard figured he was lying but he said he was just wondering if it would ever come up in his life.
A caller asked Ryan if he ever got in Sarah Michelle Gellar's back door. Ryan said he never got in her back door, no.
Howard asked Ryan about some of the movies he's done and Ryan mentioned that he really liked doing ''The Way of The Gun.'' Artie told a story about seeing that movie and how there were 4 people in the theater. He said that Ice T and his wife and kid were in there with him. He said that Ice T would laugh and say ''Haha mutha fuckahhhh'' whenever anyone would get shot.
A caller told Howard that he really is a great interviewer because he thought Ryan was a douche bag until he heard this interview. That led to Artie saying that he and Ryan have similar issues too. Howard asked Ryan if he's into the drug thing like Artie was. He said it's not about that, it's about other personal issues like depression and stuff. Howard asked him if he ever did coke while dressed in a pig outfit. Ryan said he never has but the first time he heard that story he almost ran off the road laughing.
Ryan said that he's had some dark thoughts in the past but he's doing fine now. Artie told him that the darkest place he ever went was the black chick's ass. Howard asked him what turned it around for him. He didn't get a chance to answer. Howard said that it must have been when he got to bang Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ryan said he never did that. He said that he did think about it but her mother was always around and he never got a chance. Artie said that he had a chance to get a shot on her sitcom years ago but they told him he'd have to interview with her mother so he turned it down.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that his buddy just went on his 7th tour of Iraq. He said that his girlfriend is pregnant and he had other buddies who have killed themselves after getting back from over there.
Howard took one last call for Ryan. It was Beetlejuice's manager Bobby and he was going to look into it and find out what happened with the bust that he ordered. He said that they keep files of all of that stuff. Howard said that he's pretty sure that he paid for the head and he should just send him one. He said that if he can't get him the head he will give him a refund. Ryan said that he'd rather not travel with the head. Bobby said that they have a cast of his penis available now too so he could get him that. Ryan wasn't interested in that either.
Howard Bobby go and wrapped up with Ryan after giving him some plugs for his new movie. Ryan said that he really wants to come in again. Howard told him he used to think he was a douche bag but this interview changed his mind. He went to break a short time later.
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Artie Attacks Teddy, Resigns From Show, Walks Out. 04/10/08. 8:00am
After the break Howard came back and said that there are rumors that Ryan Seacrest might be replacing Regis Philbin. Howard said that would be awful. He said there has to be someone else out there that's available to do that job.
Howard heard that Artie was yelling at Teddy out in the hall. Artie said that they're going on this trip today and Teddy needs his passport. He said that he needed to write down some information for this Amsterdam trip and the USO trip. He said that he handed him the Passport and sent off the information. He figured that he'd keep that information on him so he can use it when he needs it. Howard said that's what he would do if he were his assistant. He'd make photocopies of it so he never had to ask him for it again.
Artie said that Artie also keeps his credit card number so he can use that. He said that he keeps that on record but Teddy didn't keep the passport info. Teddy came in and tried to defend himself. Artie said that he said he was going to book him into his flight today but he needed his passport info again.
Artie ended up yelling at Teddy for not listening. He wanted to finish what he was saying and then he'd let him talk. Artie said he told Teddy that he should have kept that passport information on him and he shouldn't keep asking him for it. He said that Teddy shot back at him with a snotty comment and argued with him instead of just doing what he asked him to do.
Artie said that Teddy was acting like a faggot around him and he thinks that he hired a fag. Artie said that he sent him out to Bloomingdale's to buy him something and he came back and told him that he had gone to ''Bloomies'' and that pissed him off too.
Gary said that Teddy copied Artie's passport and he left it in the copy machine. Someone else at the company found it and didn't know where it came from. Gary said that Teddy is always shooting comments back at Artie and arguing with Artie so that pisses him off even more.
Teddy said that he went online to see if he could check Artie into his flight today and found out that he could do it. He asked him for the passport and he went ballistic on him. Teddy said he's got a lot of stuff going on at work and he forgets stuff once in a while.
Howard said that when Artie first hired Teddy he hired him to just get him coffee and stuff. Now things are getting more complicated and he's getting overwhelmed. Teddy said that he had to go after that. Howard told him not to go anywhere.
Artie said that Teddy has major money problems and he has to keep him employed. Artie said that he keeps threatening to quit but he can't because he needs the money. He said that he's loaned him thousands of dollars on top of his salary and he knows he'll never see that back. He said that he's always asking for a raise and stuff like that too.
Artie asked Teddy when he's going to get his $5,000 back that he loaned him. Howard told Teddy that if he was him he wouldn't pay him back. He's not going to do anything about it. Howard asked Teddy why he's going to Amsterdam if he has all of these money problems. He said that he got a lot of frequent flyer miles so he used them for this trip.
Artie said that he pays Teddy about $45,000 a year. Teddy said that he makes $24,000. Teddy wasn't counting the two bonuses that he was getting. That's pretty good for a part time assistant. Howard said that it sounds like he might be a little overwhelmed. Teddy said that he is doing a full time job in part time hours so that's where the problem comes in. He said that Artie hates him and it seems like he wants him to quit.
Artie said that he tells Teddy to go ahead and quit but he won't. He keeps coming back. He said that he's a deadbeat and he's tired of that. He said that there's someone else there that has borrowed $7,500 from him there at the company too and that person probably won't pay him back.
Teddy said that he can't wait to see anyone else come in and try to do his job. Artie said that no one else would complain like Teddy does. He went off on Teddy about all of this stuff but Howard wanted to talk to him about what he was doing there.
Artie got up and went after Teddy so they were all yelling at him to stop and for Teddy to get the hell out of there. Artie attacked Teddy and everyone was freaking out trying to put a stop to it. Robin asked what the hell was going on there. Howard said that Artie needs to go home and rest. He said that wasn't cool with him.
Robin said that he's pissed at Teddy and he wondered why they were bringing this up. Howard said he was curious about what was going on and it seems that he's a little out of control over the whole thing. He said he's go to go work this out and he's not sure what he's going to do about it. He said that he just went berserk.
Artie came back in and said that he knows that he's in a fighting mood. Howard said that he doesn't know that this is real. Artie said that he feels like Teddy is stealing his money. Howard told him he was out of control. He said he figured he must like Teddy on some level and had no idea that he was going to fight him. Artie said that it was Howard who brought that out in him.
Artie said that he thinks that Howard prodded it out of him and that's what he got out of him. Howard asked why he would hire a guy who he thinks was ripping him off. Artie said that he's afraid to fire him because he'd have nothing if he did that. Howard said that this was worse than just letting him go.
Artie blamed Howard for bringing this to where it went. He said that he kept pushing him and pushing him and that's what happened. Howard said he didn't know that Artie was going to go crazy and explode. Artie asked why he would bring him back to that type of situation like he and Sal had. Howard said that he really had no idea he was going to attack another human being. Howard said that wasn't fair to Teddy and he can blame him for it if he wants but he's not to blame.
Howard said that he can't have Artie around there if he's not in control. Howard said that he didn't want that from him and he really didn't know he was going to be out of control. Artie said that he can't do his job and he can't guarantee him that he won't do that again. Artie said that he's an out of control person and he can't do that anymore. He said he loves Howard but he has to resign. He said that he can't guarantee that he won't do that again.
Howard accepted Artie's resignation but he continued to talk to him about what had just gone down. Artie said that he would never bother Howard with this nonsense with Teddy. He said that he wouldn't even bring it up on the air. He said that he'll probably get sued now over that. Artie said that he's not a good person and he really has to leave. He told Howard he loves him but he's really got to leave.
Howard told Artie to just go into the green room and they'll talk later. He said that he wasn't looking for that kind of fight. He said that he didn't know it was going to escalate to that. He said that he likes airing dirty laundry but doesn't want to push people to that.
Howard said that he can't have Artie in there if he's going to put other people in danger. He said it was depressing. Benjy asked if he was still going to use his ticket to Amsterdam. Howard didn't want him joking about that. He said this was really serious.
Howard said he was speechless. Robin said that it wasn't fun or funny. She said that it's just not right when someone does something like that. Howard said that he thought that Artie had some kind of affection for Teddy but he seems to really dislike him today. He said that he had no clue that they were going to go that far.
Howard thought that they were really bros and they got along with each other. He really did. Robin said that she believes that they might but Artie is the kind of guy where words run out and he has to act out physically. Howard said that he's had people working for him that he doesn't want working for him but he's never threatened to attack or wanted to attack anyone. Robin said that was the only way he had to express his anger.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that it probably wasn't about Teddy at all. He said that it sounded like someone could have gotten killed when he heard it. Howard said that it did get out of hand and someone could have gotten killed. Robin said that it was the people that got between them that could have gotten hurt too. Dominic said that this is part of his illness and he really has to get some help. He said he's really depressed after that. Howard said he was too. He said that he's sure it was for Teddy and Artie too.
Robin said that she knows that Artie is going to feel like crap after this and he'll be beating himself up after this. She said that he's going to be miserable. Benjy said that Artie might be in a suicidal mood and they may want to keep someone around him. Howard said that Teddy is supposed to be with Artie right now. That's not going to work.
Benjy was afraid that Artie was going to be in a rage where he might hurt himself. Howard suggested that maybe her mother go over and help him out.
Ralph called in and said that he has to leave for the dentist in a few minutes. He said that he thinks that Benjy might be right and someone might want to keep an eye on Artie. He said that he's put Teddy in a position that he shouldn't be in and this is just crazy. He said that you want to cry for Artie.
Howard said that they argue there all the time but they usually keep it under control. He said that he didn't mean anything other than to find out what was going on with Artie and Teddy. Ralph said that he was just asking a couple of questions and the two of them got out of hand.
Robin said that Artie is acting like a boss and Teddy is acting like his buddy with the comments he makes and that drives Artie nuts. Ralph said that Artie's got all kinds of problems with his house down at the shore too so he's got a lot on his plate right now. Howard let Ralph go after he said he was really bummed out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't believe what just happened. He said that Artie seems to be turning into a real asshole. Howard said that he's really a great guy and he's not going to bad mouth him.
Howard said that they are really in a weird position at this point. He took another call from a guy who said that he must have seen this coming and he's doing his job really well. Howard said that he had no idea that it was going to come to this.
Artie Attack Aftermath. 04/10/08. 8:30am
Teddy came back in and said that he didn't want to come in there earlier and he saw it coming. He said he had a dream that something like this was going to happen. He said that Artie doesn't mean it and he's really a good guy. He said that he's not stealing a penny from the guy and this really sucks.
Howard said he really thought that Teddy and Artie were good together and didn't know that they had these problems. He said that he thought it was going to be kind of cool and they'd work things out. Howard said that if they were really unhappy that they'd just break things up. Teddy said that things are going to be very awkward there. He said that he never should have come in there. He said that he didn't think that Artie should leave, he should have left. Howard said that's not true.
Teddy said that they've never fought before, they just argue a lot. Howard thought it was just a playful thing that they did. Teddy wanted to forget it all and just move on. He said that he can't believe what happened. He said that he must really hate him and maybe this was for the best. He said he's going to attempt to go back to work.
Howard said that he's sorry that this all happened. Teddy said he hopes that he and Artie can kiss and make up in Amsterdam. He said that they'll see what happens today. He said that he's not flying out with him and he won't be in the same hotel. He said he's hoping that this doesn't keep him from going.
Teddy said he feels responsible but Howard told him he's really not. He said he doesn't feel responsible either. He said he was kind of enjoying them working things out but then there were the accusations and it blew up out of control.
Howard didn't like Artie blaming him for making him do it either. He said that he and Gary have blown up at each other before but they've never gotten this out of control. Teddy said that he couldn't believe that Artie was coming after him the way he did and he got scared when he saw that 17 people were holding him back.
Howard told Teddy that he may want to be around Artie on this Amsterdam trip. He said that it might not be the best thing. He said that he's not going to do anything with Artie and he's not going to go after him for money or sue him or anything like that. Howard said it might be best for him to part ways from Artie.
Howard said he had no clue why this happened. Teddy said that Artie didn't hit him but he did throw a cup of water at him.
Gary came in and said that he's not sure what they should do about this. He said that they managed to talk Artie down in the green room but he was afraid while he was talking to him. He said that they don't know how he's going to react to other people who might say the wrong thing to him. He said that he feels weird about Artie blaming it on them for what he does.
Gary said that Artie has just gotten rid of a bunch of things that he's tired of. He basically quit his job, fired Teddy and said that he wasn't going to Amsterdam. He said that he's not sure what they're going to do next. He asked Howard what he's going to do if Artie calls him tonight. Howard said that he's not sure what to do now. He said he's still speechless and he's not sure what to make of it.
Howard said that it might be up to Tim to make that final decision. Teddy said he doesn't want Artie to leave the show and he hopes that he never gets mad at anyone that much again. He said that if it's because of him he'd be happy to lave the show. He said he feels really bad about this and hopes that Artie won't hate him when he sees him again. Howard told Teddy that he handled it well.
Gary said that Jason Reitman had walked in when Artie was leaving and got all freaked out when Artie just stormed by him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that maybe this is the way the day is going to go. He said that it sounds like Benjy is really worried about him and he hopes that they can get him some help. The guy said that one of them might want to go keep an eye on Artie to make sure he's okay. Howard said that he would love to help the guy out because he really does adore the guy. He said that he'd like to have someone follow him and keep and eye on him.
Wrap Up Show - Artie Discussions. 05/13/08. 11:20am
Jerry said that he wanted to talk about the Amsterdam thing. He said that he wondered if he could have gotten away with going to Amsterdam with Jason and the guys. He said that he's been there with his wife before because she's Dutch. He said that the women there are really beautiful people. He said that they're all like the hottest volleyball players over there.
Jerry said that he's pretty sure that Rebecca is going to give him a hard time about some of the stuff he brought up today. He said that he brought up the football thing last time and got in trouble for that. He hopes that he got her side of the story in this time. He spent a minute on that football thing and said that's the one thing that they argue about.
Jason asked Jerry why he doesn't have another TV room of his own to watch in if they have some good money. Jerry said that she can't stay in another room for that amount of time. He said that he plays xBox too and he has to sort of wait for her to fall asleep before he can play. He said that's another argument that they have. He said he knows he sounds like a pussy but he's married and doesn't want to lose Rebecca. He said he likes having physical relations with her and he tries not to argue with her too much.
Jerry said that Rebecca has some friends that he'd rather not hang out with so he'll tell her to go off with them and hang out because he's got stuff to do. He said that she once wanted him to go to a baby shower but he refused and that turned into a fight. He said that there was no way he was going to go to a baby shower. Gary said that no guy ever came up with that idea.
Jerry said that he thinks that women have more time when guys are around and that's why they want their men involved with stuff like that. Gary said that the guys usually just hang out in one corner wishing that they weren't there.
Jerry said that they did get into an argument one time and Rebecca punched him. He said he was bruised for a long time. He said he had lied to her about going to a charity event one time and she found out. He said that the charity event was on a golf course for 6 hours. He said that he called her and told her what he was doing and when he got home she went off on him. He said she had been drinking a little bit so she really stepped into it and punched him. He said that she punched him on the side of the neck and put him down. He said he saw stars for a second and his heart rate went nuts for a little while.
Jon asked Jerry about the golf and if he expected to get into it with Rebecca after that. Jerry said that she can be very passionate, or hysterical, and she's got a lot of fire in her. He said that she's been through a lot of shit and he knows that she's going to get upset about stuff like that. He said that she went through a hard time with the divorce and all of that. She was with her ex for 10 years so that was a tough thing for her to go through. They had to go to break a short time later.
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Jonah Falcon Shows His Penis To George Takei. 08/20/08. 7:20am
Howard moved on and brought in this guy Jonah Falcon who has a sports show, Talkin' Yankees, that they prank call all the time. He also has a 14 inch penis and he was coming in to show that to George. Howard said he knows that Jonah isn't a fan of theirs but he is a fan of George's.
Jonah was wearing a bathing suit so he could get his junk out for George. Jonah said that he's listed as being bi-sexual but he's never taken it from a guy before. He said that he just got laid this past weekend but he's know the girl for a long time. He said that the girls don't always go crazy for the big penis.
Jonah said that there are girls who see it and just say no to him. Howard asked Jonah to show George his penis. Jonah said that he's about 8.5 inches when he's soft. He wasn't going to show it to the guys because he was soft. He said that he can't just get hard on command. Howard asked Jonah if he was big when he was a kid. Jonah said he was 8 inches when he was 10 years old and some other boys measured him.
George caught a glimpse of his penis and Jonah said that he could touch it if he wanted. George said that Brad isn't listening to the show today because of this so he may be able to touch it. George went over to touch it a short time later.
The guys said it looked like George was milking a cow. He was tugging on his penis and the guys were wondering what the was doing over there. George sounded like he was having some fun over there. Howard said that this was some bachelor party. George said that it smelled like he had garlic for breakfast this morning and apparently kissed the guy or something. No one said what was going on at that point.
George told Jonah that he was going to be down in Atlanta at a Star Trek convention. It sounded like he was hitting on him. George said that he could have Jonah working out with him. The guys reminded him that he's about to get married.
Howard asked Jonah if that was exciting for him. Jonah said that he was more of a fan of the TNG (The Next Generation) and not so much a fan of the old shows.
George said that a little variety is great once in a while. Howard said this was an exciting bachelor party. Artie said it was the strangest one he had ever been to. He said that the groom usually does stuff that could ruin a wedding and George seems to be doing that. George said that Brad isn't listening so he should be okay.
Howard told Jonah that he didn't disappoint at all this morning. Jonah said that a lot of his friends are proud of him getting married out in California and he wanted to sing a song to him. He said this was for George and Brad. He started singing a few seconds later and had the guys laughing. Artie was laughing so hard he was crying. He wasn't even able to speak. He eventually said he didn't even know what to say to that.
Jonah finished his song and Artie continued to laugh his ass off at him. Jonah was going on and on with the song and wouldn't stop singing. Howard said he wishes that Artie's dad was there. Artie said ''No you don't...'' Jonah said that song was from a Muppet movie where Gonzo was singing in the middle of the desert.
George said that this is all part of the diversity of life and they're exposing the audience to that. Artie asked Jonah if he was more gay or hetero. Jonah said that he should remain sexually ambiguous for his career as an actor.
Howard thanked Jonah for coming in and said that he's a nice guy. He said he knows that he gets his balls busted on his TV show but he seems to be a nice guy.
Howard asked George if Jonah got hard when he was squeezing him. George said he didn't. Robin said that he must have to lay down to get hard because the size of that thing would take a lot of blood.
George said that he's taking Brad out to a nice restaurant tonight because he has a feeling that he may hear some of this today.
George said that he loves Garlic and it seems that Jonah may have had some for breakfast this morning. Robin asked Artie if this was the worst day for him today as a Stern Fan. Artie said that he thinks that Imus has more listeners this morning than Howard does.
Artie said that he can't believe that guy hosts a Yankee's sports show. Howard asked Richard for the best call they made to this Jonah Falcon call in show. Gary told him which one to play. It was one where Richard and Sal called in and asked Jonah about the weather over and over again. Artie was laughing his ass off again after a few minutes of those calls. Jonah was taking call after call and they were all Sal and Richard busting his balls. Artie asked what the fuck is with that kid.
''Dumb As A Rock'' Game. 01/15/09. 7:25am
After the break we heard a bit that the guys created using clips of ''To Catch a Predator'' and Ronnie the Limo Driver. Fred was playing some ''The Shape I'm In'' as they came back from break.
Howard came back a short time later. Howard read an article about a Playboy model who was coming out and talking about what it was like living there at the Playboy mansion. Howard said that she was saying that it wasn't all that great. She claims that she wouldn't see Hef all that much during the day.
Howard said that he had three beautiful women there to play ''Dumb as a Rock'' which was sponsored by Howard TV. He said that if the girls get a question wrong, they have to say ''I'm as dumb as a rock.'' That's how simple it is.
Howard said they had three girls coming in. He said they all looked great as they were coming in. He said that they'd never played the game before. He introduced each of the girls after talking about how they all wanted to get in plugs for various things. Howard said that no one wants to say that they're as dumb as a rock.
First up was Cara. Howard said that she's on ''Momma's Boys'' the new reality show. Howard said that she's very cute. She said that she was on the show a few years ago as Andy Dick's girlfriend. Howard said he remembered her because she was stunningly beautiful. She said that she never had sex with Andy. She sounded horrified when they asked her if she had spent the night at his house.
Howard read some notes about Cara Quici and they said that she likes to go to strip clubs and she likes to go to private rooms there. She was also claiming that she was a Christian but that goes right out the window when she goes to the strip clubs. Cara said that she has gone to clubs with her boyfriend so she can mess around with him and other women.
Cara talked about how all of the mothers on ''Momma's Boys'' really didn't like her. She said that they all hated her. Howard said she must have a major personality problem then.
Howard said that Meghan Allen was also on ''Momma's Boys.'' She said that she got the boot on that show already. She said that it was the mom's who got her kicked off. Meghan said that she showed the mothers some lingerie that she was going to use with the winner and that got her booted off. Meghan also said that she was a Playboy Cyber Girl of the Month at one point. She was also in the magazine when she was on Fear Factor and she was totally nude in that.
Howard asked Meghan about Fear Factor and what she did in that. She said she was on the couples version with her fiancee and he ended up getting another woman pregnant about a month before the wedding was supposed to happen. She broke up with him and moved to Dallas.
Meghan talked about dating a black guy and how her grandparents don't like it. She said that her parents are fine with it but her grandparents don't. Artie asked how big his dick is. She said that she's never measured it actually. Meghan said that the guy she's dating is a big star and she met him at the bar she was working at. She said that they became friends and they didn't really get together for about a year and a half. She said that he was very persistent.
Howard asked Meghan if his wiener is bigger than any of the white guys she had been with. She said that it wasn't but size isn't that important to her. She said that he does have a big cock but it's not the biggest. Howard asked if she ever uses the N-word with him. She said that she does use ''naughty'' but Artie told her that it was ''nigger'' that they were looking for.
Howard said that Britney Stevens is a porn star and she's going to get to plug her porn films and web site. Howard said that she's made over 200 films and she started in July of 2006. Britney talked about some of the movies that she did and named some of the bigger ones. She did one called ''Face Fucking 3'' that Howard had some clips from. Howard played some of those clips for everyone. She was gagging on a guy in the clip he played. Britney said she didn't even remember who that guy was in that scene.
Howard asked Britney about doing anal scenes and if she's ever had any problems back there. Britney said that she's fine back there and hasn't had any issues. She told Howard about some stuff she's shot with multiple guys banging her at the same time. She said that she has had double anal scenes that were pretty tough to take. She said that she went in one day and they told her to try it and it was fine so she did it for the movie.
Britney said that the director told her that she was so open back there that she could probably fit two cocks inside of her. The guy was right. Howard wondered how the guys can get in there at the same time. She said that one guy puts it in and the other guy puts it in. Howard said the guys must be gay to be doing that. She said that they look at it like it's just work.
Howard said that Britney's younger sister is in porn and she's done scenes with her. She ate her out one time when she was drunk. Britney said that they were having an orgy and they got drunk and did it. Howard asked her if she's attracted to her. She said she is but not in that way.
Howard asked Britney what it was in her life that led her into this life. She said it wasn't abuse or anything. Then she said that she thinks that her father may have been abusive and may have beat her with a belt or something. She said that he may have locked her sister in a drawer too. She didn't think that it wasn't that which led her into porn though.
Howard asked Britney about being an escort for a month at one time. She said that she would just date them and she didn't like the job. She said that she wasn't banging the guys though.
Howard asked Britney if she has to drink a lot or do drugs to get through her scenes. She said that she doesn't do that because the scenes aren't that great when she does them drunk.
Howard moved on to the game and said that it was the first time they were doing this. Howard got in some plugs for Howard TV and the new ''Show in the Hallway'' show that they have up this month. He also talked about some of the other shows they have up there like the ''Artie's Wild Year'' and some other shows.
Howard asked Cara the first question which was ''What did Obama do for a living before being elected President.'' She said he was a senator. Howard gave it to her. He gave her some plugs for the ''Momma's Boys'' show and her web site CaraQuici.com He also had some audio of her singing a song that he played.
Howard asked Meghan ''Who are the Israelis currently fighting?'' She didn't know so she had to say that she was as dumb as a rock. She said that it was early and that's why she didn't know the answer.
Howard asked Britney the same question. Britney said she was going to say it was the Germans. She said that she knows that the Israelis are ''like Jews.'' Artie was laughing his ass off at that answer.
Howard asked Cara the same question. She thought it was Pakistan. She knew it started with a P but she had to say that she was as dumb as a rock.
Howard went to the next question and asked Meghan to spell Illinois. She got it right. Howard gave her some plugs for her web site MeghanAllen.net. She's also on ''Momma's Boys'' so he gave her a plug for that.
Howard asked Britney ''What is the symbol for the Roman numeral 10?'' Britney said that she knows what Roman Numerals are but she wasn't sure what the symbol was. Britney said that she doesn't know how to say what the symbol is. Howard tried to work with her and asked her what number comes after 10. She said ''nine.'' Howard said he must have messed her up and asked her that again. She said ''eleven'' this time. Howard tried to help Britney but she had to say that she was as dumb as a rock again.
Howard got back to Cara and asked her the same question about the Roman numeral. Cara thought it was a V but she got it wrong and had to say she was as dumb as a rock. Howard asked Meghan the same and she didn't know it either. She thought it was a ''VI.'' She also had to say she was as dumb as a rock.
Howard said that all three of them got that one wrong. Howard said the answer was an X. Howard asked Britney ''What is a Carnivore?'' She didn't know. Howard said that she has to be able to break this down. Howard asked her now many syllables the word was. She said that it was three. Howard had her break it down and try to figure it out. She guessed that it was a big truck. Howard said that was so far off that he wasn't even going to count it. Britney had to say she was as dumb as a rock once again.
Howard was going to give the answer but Artie asked him to please ask the other girls. Howard told Britney that a carnivore is someone who eats meet. Britney couldn't believe that she had said that it was a big truck. Artie laughed his ass off and told her that she said that on the biggest radio show ever.
Howard said they had to finish up this game. He said that they can't go on all day with this. Artie said they could, he didn't have anything better to do. Howard said that he may give Britney plugs even if she doesn't get anything right. Howard asked Cara who the leader was in Iraq when we attacked. She knew it was Saddam Hussein. Howard gave her some more plugs for her web site, CaraQuici.com, and spelled it out for everyone since she thought it was kind of hard to spell.
Howard asked Meghan ''Who will serve as Obama's Vice President?'' She knew it was Joe Biden. Howard gave her some plugs for her web site, MeghanAllen.net, and for the ''Momma's Boys'' show.
Howard asked a math question and Cara got it right. It was a simple one about how much 8 gallons of gas would cost at $1.25 a gallon. Then Howard had to ask Meghan a tie breaker question which was ''What does HDTV stand for?'' She said it was Hi-Def something but almost missed it when she didn't say ''television.'' Howard gave her more plugs and said he had to go to another tie breaker.
Howard said that they may have to have two winners. Howard asked Cara what city was ravaged by Hurricane Katrina. She said it was New Orleans. Howard gave her more plugs and then asked Meghan who the Republican nominee was for 2008. Meghan said that it was the old guy. She wasn't able to come up with his name. She knew Sarah Palin but not John McCain. She said she was having a brain fart. Howard said that she was out of time. She said that she was as dumb as a rock. Britney even knew that one.
Howard said that he felt bad for Britney and might have to give her some plugs. He gave Cara her $500 prize and some plugs for her web site again. Howard gave Meghan some plugs and then said that he was going to do something for Britney. He said that he might have to give her a couple hundred bucks as a prize. Britney said that she had to earn it like they earned theirs. Artie told her to blow him.
Howard gave Britney some plugs for BritneysClub.com and AmateurAllure.com and then went to break a short time later.
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Sour Shoes Prank Calling Steve Langford. 10/14/08. 9:50am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard pulled on someone who called the wrong number. Fred also played some Eric Clapton ''Presence of the Lord'' as they were coming back. Howard sang along to that a little bit. Howard wondered if Eric Clapton is a Jesus freak or something. Robin said he did go through rehab stuff so maybe that got him into that.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. He said he didn't realize that Steve gets calls from Sour Shoes about 100 times a day. Steve said that he has work to do back there and he has had about 300 calls from the guy. Howard said that they have tape of Steve answering the guy. Steve said he can't get work done with him calling so many times.
Howard played the montage of calls that Sour Shoes has done over the past 2 years or so. Steve said that some would call it harassment and maybe against the law. Howard said that's the classic mistake to make, getting upset about prank calls. In the calls Sour Shoes is singing songs about Langford's huge cock. Steve listens for a second and then hangs up.
Howard said that Sour Shoes can be really annoying doing this stuff. He said that he used to follow him around all the time on the street so he had to pull him aside and ask him to stop.
Howard played more of Sour Shoes' calls and he'll leave a message for Steve saying ''I'm busy right now, I'll call you back.'' Howard said that it's really annoying with Sour Shoes making those odd sounds in the background. Steve asked Sour Shoes to put his parents on the line so he could talk to them. Then he hangs up on Steve and calls back as his dad Frank. Steve then tells the guy that his son is making phone calls to people. Steve said that there have been about 300 in the past couple of weeks. He asks him not to call anymore and Shoes just calls right back and sings about his monster fat penis. Langford tells Sour Shoes that he wants him to go to jail over this. Sour Shoes just keeps singing.
Howard told Steve that he can't lecture the guy. Steve said he can't get any work done. Howard asked Sour Shoes to stop calling. Gary then came in and said that this is actually Richard and Sal calling Steve with clips of Sour Shoes on top of Sour Shoes making the calls.
Sal came in and said that he and Richard would get Sour Shoes on the phone and have him prank Steve. Then they just had Sour Shoes record a bunch of stuff and cut it up so they can prank call him. High Pitch Mike came in and said that he's seen Steve throwing the phone on the floor from this.
Sal said that Mike was there spy who would call them and let them know when Steve was at his desk. Howard told Steve to never lecture the prank callers.
Howard said he heard that Jason and Will are upset with Steve for killing a Page 69 story. Steve said he never kills stories. Will came in and said that they had a story about Scott DePace and Steve went to DePace and asked him about this story that they were going to do. Will said that DePace denied the details but that was in the back office and they should be doing it on the air.
Steve said that he went to Brad, the News Director, and told him he had to ask Scott his side of the story. He said that Scott's story was the opposite of what the Page 69 story was. Will said that it would have been fun to have that conversation on the air, not in the back office. Howard cut them off and had Steve get to his news preview.
Richard's Open Wound Getting Worse. 04/27/09. 6:30am
Robin asked Howard if he's worried about the Swine Flu. Howard said he's really not. Robin told him that there are people who are dying form that flu and it's not the young people, it's people Howard's age.
Richard came in and showed the guys what's going on with his arm and the wound he had from his zit is now bleeding. Howard asked him what's up with that and said it has to be MRSA. Robin said she wants him out of there. Howard told him to leave and go to an emergency room. Richard said he didn't want to call in and make them feel like he was faking it.
Howard told Richard to get out of there. Richard said he was out swimming over the weekend and that might not have helped. Howard said that Seth MacFarlane is coming in today and he's making Richard leave. He said that's kind of funny. Richard wasn't going to be forced to do that load on his back thing. They dropped that whole idea.
Howard said Richard really has to get that thing checked out. Richard said it's kind of neat looking. Howard said he really has to get that fixed. Robin told him that this is how the Swine Flu got to this country, from people like him.
Richard said he hates missing work. Howard told him he should have taken care of it on Friday. Richard said he went to a dermatologist and they're going to give him test results today. Howard told him that it shouldn't take that long to find out.
Artie said Richard should be panicked about that wound. Howard said he thinks that the stuff he's putting on that wound is making it worse. Robin said it was frightening that it was getting worse. She said it shouldn't be leaking the way it was.
Richard said it went from being a pimple to that. It was starting to heal last week but now it's worse than it was.
JD told him that he doesn't even know that it was definitely a pimple that he popped. He's assuming it was a pimple. Howard said Richard came in there to talk about Swine flu like he was worried about it. Meanwhile he's got that open, weeping wound on his arm.
Mike Gange - TV Personality? 04/27/09. 6:35am
Howard said he was reading about Jamie Foxx again in the news and he keeps saying that he's the Black Howard Stern. Howard said people must think that he says really stupid things because so many people say stupid things and then say they're the ''so-and-so Howard Stern.'' Howard said that must make people think that he's a jackass and that he says idiotic things all the time. Howard said he doesn't think that's how he is though.
Howard said that it's like whenever you say something stupid, you just say you're like Howard Stern and you get off the hook.
Howard said that it looks like Al Franken isn't going to get to take his senate seat yet. The guy he was up against isn't going to let him take it. He's taking him to court over it. Howard said that they did the recount and found that Franken had won but the race was kind of close so the other guy is going to hold it up again by demanding another.
Howard said they won't decide the outcome until this summer. Howard read an article about it and had some other details about the case. Howard said they could end up tying up every single election like that.
Howard said he was on the Howard TV web site watching Mike Gange's interview with the new Miss Howard TV and he's not sure why Gange is on camera while she's on camera. Howard said that the camera angle was odd and they're saying that Gange is a personality now. He doesn't get that. He said that they go on and on with the interview and they don't seem to edit that stuff down. This video is out there for free so you'd think that they'd edit it down a little bit.
Gary said that Gange was saying that he's a known personality from the show so that's why they have him doing that and the announcing for Howard TV. Howard said the whole thing was making him mental. He said that they don't have to make this stuff bad just because they're putting it out there for free.
Howard played some of the audio of Mike and Becky Wunder doing their interview and the audio quality wasn't all that great. Howard said that he would have done it in a much different way. Robin even suggested that they have her doing wardrobe changes during the clip but they didn't do that at all.
Howard played some more of the audio and said that he got so angry watching that video. He wasn't even able to sit through it all. He said he's willing to sit there and watch hot chicks talking but not with that clip.
Howard said that Becky was barely in the shot and he'd like to know who the camera guy was. Howard played a little more of the video and said that you have to see it on the Howard TV web site. He then complained about the Howard TV guys not being able to get his wife into the building recently. He talked about that last week.
Howard had some video of Mike and Becky on the monitors to show how bad the set up was in the green room. Gange and Becky were talking about the Beer Pong show that she took part in and they wouldn't get off of that subject. Howard said he loves Gange but he never pictured him as the face of Howard TV. He said he never pictured him in that position and he's right.
Howard played more of the interview and Gange was asking her the same questions that he had asked her during his interview. Howard wondered why he would do that. Howard and the guys were doing their impressions of Gange and making fun of the way he would repeat questions. Howard said it went on and on for what seemed like hours.
Howard gave up on playing the clip. Artie said that stuff like that makes you appreciate guys like Howard and David Letterman for their interviewing skills.
Howard said that they should just edit out some of the questions that don't work because Gange just isn't that compelling. He said it goes on and on and now he's hearing it in his head.
Howard played more of the interview and Gange was asking her questions they got from the fans. Howard had to cut it off and give up again. He said that's what's happening on the Howard TV web site.
Richard Christy's Failed Prank. 04/27/09. 6:50am
Howard was about to take a call but Richard came back in and showed the guys that he had just faked the blood on his arm. Richard said it was special effects make up. He said that they had been ''Richard Christy'd.'' Howard told Richard that it really didn't look that much better. He told Richard to cover it up. Richard said it was better. Howard said it didn't look that much better than it did last week. Robin said it did look better.
Howard told Richard not to prank him again. He said that he had just wasted 10 minutes of the show. He said if he does that again he's going to fire him. He said that he wasted his time and his arm still looks infected to him. Richard said he has a buddy who does special effects and they did that. Howard told him to tell his friend to go fuck himself.
Howard said that they're going to get sick from him. He said the joke failed because his arm is infected. Richard said it's gotten better. Richard said that it's only been a week and a half. Howard said that he's infected and he has to get that thing taken care of. Richard said it's not that bad. Howard said it's not as bad as the fake make up stuff but it's still bad.
Howard told Richard to leave. He said that he doesn't get why he's telling him that he has to get that thing checked out. Howard told him he's disgusting. Richard apologized to them for what he did. Howard said now he's probably going to die from Richard's open wound.
Howard said that Richard is disgusting and he doesn't want to be ''Punk'd'' on his own show. Artie said Howard has said that many times on the air that he has no desire to be pranked and Richard went ahead and did it anyway. Robin said that they're probably going to be pranked by Sal next and he'll come in saying that they've been ''Governale'd.''
Gary's Awful First Pitch At Mets Game. 05/11/09. 6:00am
Howard started the show talking about his weekend. He said his mother called to thank him for the flowers he sent to her from ProFlowers.com. Howard said she was very happy about that. He said his sister somehow took her to lunch too. Howard said that was good that he had his own thing that he had done for her. Robin said she had the same type of thing with her mom.
Howard said he didn't really have to do anything for his mother since he fixed up her house. That was like 50,000 mother's day gifts. Howard said he shouldn't have to send anything. Howard said he should have a 10 year pass on even calling her. Artie told him that the should just have to call and tell her ''you're welcome for the sheet rock in your kitchen.'' Howard said he could have called her to tell her that he wasn't going to call her because of that whole thing.
Artie said his mother's birthday is a week after Mother's day so he has that double whammy. He mentioned being on coke and remembering to call his mother. That led to Robin talking about some brain scans she saw in the paper of drug and alcohol addicts that all looked similar to Alzheimers sufferers.
Howard said his mother thanked him for the gift and went through that conversation. Then his father wanted to talk to him and that was odd because he doesn't usually want to do that.
Howard said his father is hard of hearing and he rarely wants to speak to him but when he does, he hears him in the background yelling at her that he wants to get on the line. Howard said his father will say ''I want to talk to him!'' in that very distinctive voice of his. His mother will start telling him that he wants to talk to him and she has to stop the presses and let him do that.
Howard said his father got on the line and told him that he was watching TV and heard Howard's name mentioned during the Mets game. Howard said his father just kept barreling on and said that he had never seen such a horrible pitch in his life when he saw Gary throw the ball. Artie was laughing his ass off about that.
Howard said he told his father that Gary's worst nightmare was to throw a bad pitch. His father said he had never seen such a bad pitch. Howard said this was Gary's worst nightmare.
Howard said he was smelling the first two hours of the show when he heard it was a bad pitch. Howard said he immediately watched the pitch after that. Howard said he had it right there to watch and even his father wanted to see it again.
Howard said he watched the pitch and even Beth said he threw it like a girl. Beth said that she could throw it better than that. Howard said her father taught her how to throw so she thinks that she could throw a pitch better than Gary. He said she was always grateful that her father was a sports guy because she could throw a ball.
Artie continued to laugh his ass off as Howard was telling this story. Howard went on to say that he saw Artie standing there next to the pitcher there at the game. Howard said he thought Artie was there alone but Artie said that his guy Joe was right next to him there on the field.
Howard said he saw Gary was up in Toronto to see a Bruce Springsteen concert the night before the pitch. Howard said he wrote to Gary and told him that maybe if he hadn't gone there he could have gotten sleep for the pitch. Howard said Gary told him that he was getting drunk after that. He said Gary didn't know why he did it after that.
Howard said he told Sal and Richard to get a hold of Kevin Lofton and tell him to animate what happens to the ball after he pitches it. Howard said it was unbelievably bad. Artie said he wishes that he would have played catch with Gary because he would have informed him that he throws like a chick and he would have begged him not to do it. He said he just can't go out and do that because he throws so poorly.
Artie said he would have known it immediately. Artie said Jon Hein isn't his friend because he threw pitches with him and didn't inform him that he throws like a chick. Artie said that his sister throws like that. He's not sure what they do wrong but they just throw wildly.
Artie said the Umpire ended up catching the ball because the catcher wasn't going to get up to go get it. Artie was laughing as he said that the umpire went after the ball. Artie laughed his ass off telling that story.
Artie said he told Robert Smigel that they had just seen Lance Bass throw the pitch. He said that everyone was Baba Booeying and calling Gary a fag there at the stadium.
Howard said he asked Gary what Artie had said that day and Artie was being nice. No one was saying anything to him at all this morning. They're all saving it for him today.
Howard said the Daily News called his pitch the most embarrassing pitch in ceremonial pitch history. Artie said he told Gary to say that he had autism because they would have understood that.
Will came in and said that he brought his whole family to see that pitch. Will said that Gary put his head down and he was very embarrassed.
Artie said Gary's son Lucas came up to him and told him that he had to make fun of him if he screwed up. He said after the pitch Lucas asked him not to be too hard on him. He said he has to do his job this morning though so he will be goofing on him.
Howard said Sal is out in the hall throwing like Gary with the Gary mask on. Howard said Sal was out there winding up and throwing just as bad as Gary. Howard said that should be Sal's stand-up act.
Artie said that Will is a Phillies fan so all of his family were too and they were all there to see Gary throw. Will said he saw Gary throw that ball and it went about 5 feet to the right and it was so embarrassing.
Ralph called in and said that he thought Star Trek was good. He said this pitch was better. Ralph didn't know how Gary could miss the catcher by that much. Howard said that Gary had hired a pitching coach and a psychologist to help him get through it. He said it didn't work at all. Artie said he should have had his psychologist throw the pitch.
Artie said he can tell that Gary just can't throw. He said he could tell by just watching him once. He could have told him not to do it if he had played catch with him.
Howard asked if it was worse than Chris Rock's pitch. Artie said it was worse. Artie said that Sebastian Bach was there and he had the funniest line of the day. He said Sebastian came up to him and said that all he knew was that Gary threw worse than he sang. Artie said that was the best line.
Howard read the daily news article where they called Gary's pitch the most embarrassing ever. Artie said that he's thinking that Gary should be picking out Howard's clothes now.
Artie and Ralph talked about how bad the pitch was and how embarrassing it was. Gary finally came in and said that he didn't think it was worse than Chris Rock's pitch. He said he would love to have his publicist because he can't find a shot of that pitch anywhere. He said he's not sure how that's even possible.
Howard said the Howard TV guys have video of the pitch. He had them play that. Artie said he had to see it again too. Robin laughed her ass off when she saw that too.
Gary said he swears he can throw even though that video makes it look like he can't. Gary said that he can throw better than that. He swore that he could.
Gary said he was standing on the side and he started to dry heave because he was so nervous. He said he was coughing from the dry heaving. Gary said that he got so much advice about the whole thing that he was doing a combo of all of the suggested ways to throw the ball. Artie said it was a ''combo of gay guy and chick.''
Howard asked Gary what he was thinking when the ball left his hand. Gary said that was the worst case for him and he knew that he had done everything wrong.
Gary said he got calls from everyone over the weekend. Howard said he was the first on his Facebook. Gary said he got texts from Chris Booker who told him he was on the news. Robin said he wouldn't have been on the news if he had thrown it right.
Howard said he had a montage of news reports about Gary's pitch. He said it was all over the place. Gary said he didn't know that this was going to be all over the news like this. Artie said this was ''Star Wars big'' for him.
Gary said he knew that they were going to make fun of him no matter what. Gary said that during the game he was interviewed and they showed the pitch because they hadn't aired it before that. Gary said it wasn't going to be a big deal until then.
Gary said he was watching the game on Sunday and they were doing a side by side thing on the air showing just how bad it was. Howard said they might end up using that clip at the start of every game now. Gary said that his was bad but they found that it wasn't really the worst. They found it was the second worst next to the Mayor of Cincinnati.
Gary said he was all stressed out before the pitch. He said Mary had to put up with that for 2 weeks and now she had to put up with it even more because it was in the news. Gary said he hung his head and went into his office. He said Mary came in and asked if he was going to ruin mother's day for her. Gary said this was a disaster.
Artie said that these guys were all telling him what to say on the show. He said that they were all telling him to tell Gary he was a fag. Ralph told Gary that this was the best thing he could have done because it's great for the show.
Howard played some song parodies that Sal and Richard had already made up for Gary. They were relentless with the goofing. Howard said he had Gary's kids on the phone but it was just audio of kids laughing.
Gary said he got a text on Sunday and someone asked him how he was doing after the pitch. Gary said he wasn't sure who had sent it. It turned out to be the owner of the Mets. He said that he wanted to make sure he was doing okay after that.
Howard said they had audio of the pitch announcer doing it in Spanish. It was faked and they were calling Gary names and throwing out his many goofy names in that clip.
Gary said that some people were really putting the best spin on it that they could. Gary said that some were telling him it was a disaster and being nice but then people were saying it was the worst thing ever. Howard said he posted on Gary's Facebook and asked him what the hell had gone on.
Howard said he heard about Gary going up to Toronto and how he didn't have a great time getting up there. Gary said they almost didn't make it.
Jason came in with a Newsday report about Gary's pitch. They had the tape on the newspaper's web site so people can watch it. Howard read some of the comments on the web site. Jason said those weren't comments from readers, that was the author of the article.
Artie said that he went to the old Shea Stadium to see the Rolling Stones and the Who in the past and this pitch beat both of those visits to the Mets stadium. Artie also said that he went to that new stadium wanting to hate it but he actually loved it.
Artie said he has thrown out a baseball a million times and he really doesn't think that Gary can throw. Gary said he can throw and this was just a fluke thing. Howard said it was Gary's worst nightmare and it couldn't have done any worse.
Gary said he got the ball he threw. He's going to keep it. Howard told him not to keep that thing, he should throw it out. Artie told him to have all of N' Sync sign the ball for him. Robin said there must be something wrong with it. Artie told Gary that he should have that guy Lou who discovered the Backstreet Boys sign the ball.
Gary said he expected all of this today. He was just standing there watching Howard and Artie goofing on him relentlessly and didn't know what to do.
Artie said that everyone there knew Gary as Baba Booey. Artie said there was this one guy working there by the name of Charlie. He said the guy asked him what he thought about what was going to happen. Then after the pitch he was walking around saying ''What a fuckin' fag'' and saying that he had never seen a worse throw. Artie said the guy told him that he had once seen a guy suck a cock and that pitch was still the gayest thing he had ever seen.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who said that Gary has to let him set up the pitch again so he can redeem himself. Howard said he really does have to do that. Artie said he wants to play catch with Gary and let him know what he really thinks.
Howard said that Gary thinks that he can throw and he's like one of those guys who thinks he's funny but he's not. Artie said there are major league pitchers telling Gary he can't throw. Howard said even his father was telling him about how awful that pitch was and the guy hasn't called him in 10 years.
Robin said this guy who picked her up at the airport yesterday told her ''Gary sucks!'' when he picked her up. Howard said he's the one getting fucked because he's in the news.
Many News Reports About Gary's Pitch. 05/11/09. 6:45am
Howard played the montage of news stories about Gary's pitch. All of the reporters were talking about how embarrassing the pitch was. They were all calling Gary ''Baba Booey'' and goofing on him in every report.
Howard said this is a huge disaster. Ralph told Gary that he really can't pitch. Gary told Ralph he can't even find a job. He told Ralph to prove that he can throw by throwing out that first pitch at Citi Field. Ralph said he can throw it better than him.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that they had multiple angles of Gary's pitch and they analyzed it and found that he had licked his lips in the middle of the pitch. Howard said Doug made a big deal out of this thing because they got a licensing deal with Major League Baseball so they want people to watch it on Howard TV instead of on YouTube where it's illegal.
Howard watched the pitch again and said that he knows that Gary threw it wrong even though he doesn't know how to pitch himself.
Artie asked if any of the Mets were laughing at him. Gary said he got a note from a friend who said that it was worse than he imagines. All of the players were apparently goofing on him. Artie said he would have told Gary just not to look like a broad. He said it's a lot of pressure on a guy.
Gary said that he didn't hire that pitching coach that they were talking about earlier. He said he just spoke to the guy on the phone.
Gary also said that he teaches batting practice so he knows that he can pitch better than that. Artie said ''Yeah right.''
Artie told another Sebastian Bach story. He said that everyone on the field who is a celebrity was asked to take pictures with these autistic kids out on the field. Artie said he was watching what he was saying out there since the kids were just 10 years old. Artie said Sebastian came down and told him that he had the best fuckin weed in New York and asked him to go out and get wasted with him and then thanked Gary for talking about his cock on the show.
Artie said Sebastian was telling him he read his book and his father was the same way bringing him to a Kiss concert like Artie's dad took him to a baseball game. Artie said Bach must have said ''cock'' about 10 times in front of the kids out there.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he had to go to court over weekend. He said he was in the back room where people were locked up and this guy said to him ''Did you see that pitch?'' and the guy was locked up in jail. Gary said that there's no way that story is true. Dominic said people yell out to him out on the street about it.
Howard said that guy Charlie that Artie mentioned earlier was on the phone. The guy said that he and Artie met the first time there at the stadium. Gary said that wasn't really him because he knows that guy. Artie asked him where they met and figured out it wasn't really him.
Wolfe called in and said that he has seen a better arm on a snake. He said he didn't get how he could do that so bad. Gary could have avoided most of this if he hadn't done the interview in the middle of the game that day.
Howard said he had the audio of Gary being interviewed about the pitch. That led to Artie goofing on Gary even more and naming the audio clip pages ''GGPP in red... Gary's Gay Pitch Page.'' Artie said that he wanted to see what the new field looked like so he went out to see it with his guy Joe on Saturday.
Howard said Artie is looking good and he lost a lot of weight. Artie said he's lost 40 pounds. Howard saw some of the video of the guys standing on the field and saw that guy Charlie and some of the other people that were out there with him.
Howard watched the video and saw Artie turn around and start laughing. Then he saw Charlie talking to Artie about the pitch. Artie was doubled over with laughter. Artie said that was the moment that Charlie told him the line about how he had seen a guy suck a cock and that pitch was still the gayest thing that he had ever seen.
A caller asked if they could get a close up of the people in the stands and what kind of reactions they had to the pitch. Howard said that he'd love to see that.
Artie said that these fans told him to bust Gary's balls and told him to say happy mother's day to their mom too.
Another caller said that was a great pitch. He said he loved the pitch. Howard thanked him for that. He wanted them to give Gary another chance to pitch. Artie said he'd love to throw out a pitch at a Yankees game but they're notoriously snooty. He said they may have an issue with the show but he'd love to try it. Howard said that George Steinbrenner used to be on the show all the time.
another caller asked Gary if this was more embarrassing than his love video that they played on the show. Gary said he hasn't decided on that yet. Howard said he thinks this might be more embarrassing.
Howard was going to play the audio of the interview that Gary did with this guy during the Mets game. Gary said he knew that this was set up in advance because he was going to talk about this autism charity.
Howard said he woke up kind of happy this morning because he knew the show was going to be easy based on what Gary did.
Howard said he told Gary not to do this. He went ahead and did it anyway. Artie said that if Gary was Scott DePace's son, Scott wouldn't even let him back in the house.
Howard said that he was going to play the audio of Gary talking about this pitch and how dopey Gary was for saying that this pitch wasn't even supposed to be aired. Gary said it wasn't supposed to be but they ended up playing it during the middle of the game. Gary was talking to the guys about the pitch and why he was there that day. Then they showed the pitch to Gary and Gary said that he was hoping it wouldn't end up on TV. The guys were all laughing at Gary and making fun of him for throwing so far to the right. The announcers knew that Gary was going to be goofed on relentlessly for the next two years about that.
Gary said the good news is that on his TV they cut that clip off early. He said he missed some of that conversation. Ralph told Howard he has to re-sign to stay on there because they can't let this go after just one more year.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had to thank Gary for a great weekend of comedy for everyone on SFN. Sal called in as Gary's dead father but Howard hit the delay on him for whatever it was he said.
Howard and the guys continued to goof on Gary about the pitch. They had already gone an hour and 10 minutes talking about it.
Artie was still laughing his ass off every time he thought about it. Artie said it was a great New York moment because they're so brutally honest there in New York. Artie said the word ''fag'' was floating all over the place out there on the field.
Howard said Artie was doubled over in laughter after the pitch. Howard asked Gary how he's going to go on with his life. Gary said that it will pass. He said he had to go out and watch his kids play flag football and most people hadn't even seen the pitch. Gary said he figured that's all the people were going to talk about. He said Mary was worried that it was going to ruin the day.
Gary said one guy came over to him and asked him ''What was that?'' He said it was just the one guy yesterday. Then his in-laws came over and talked about it.
Gary said he went to sleep on Saturday night and woke up at 2 in the morning in a sweat. He said he can't get it off his mind. Gary said it was playing over and over in his head and he didn't know why he threw it the way he did.
Artie said that this is like Scott Norwood. He said he's the one who missed the 47 yard field goal in the Super Bowl for the winning kick. Artie said that there was an auto parts store called Norwood Auto Parts and they went out of business because they were part of the joke based on his bad kick. Artie said that this is never going to go away with Gary either.
Artie said that he had a gig that night and everyone there knew about the pitch. Gary said his instincts were right last week for him not to do it. Howard asked Gary if he thinks that he wanted to fail in some way and it was a psychological thing. Gary said he thinks that Howard is reading too much into it because he really wanted it to go well. He said that it just didn't happen.
Artie said he saw the look on Gary's face and it was that look of defeat that he's seen on the show when Fred will play one of the Baba Booey song parodies as he's trying to make a point.
Howard watched the video again where Gary threw the pitch. Gary bent over in defeat after throwing that pitch. Ralph said Gary ran out on the field kind of ''spazzy'' too.
Howard said Gary had stuck his tongue out when he was pitching too. Howard asked if the garage guys were heckling him too. Gary said that they weren't being so bad. Artie was making fun of Gary as if he were one of those guys. He was saying that he would park his gay car and calling Gary ''faga booey.''
Gary said that this guy John runs the garage and he didn't say much about it. He said that guy wouldn't let anyone off the hook for anything. He said he just made a quick comment about him missing the plate.
Artie said he would have told Gary how to call in sick this morning or told him that he should have made Benjy late.
Artie said that it was so perfect the way Howard set this whole story up this morning with his father calling him. Howard asked if they think that this is going to be prevalent on the show or will it go away. Gary said that it will be prevalent and it will not go away.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if they had ever seen that show ''Time Warp'' where they do this super slow motion thing. He said they have to get Gary's face on that.
Gary said the first time he saw the pitch was on a guy's video camera that he had taken at the field. He said it was much worse than he thought it was going to be.
Artie said that what Gary did for the autistic kids was great. He said that the parents all looked really tired and not so happy until the pitch. After the pitch they were all smiling.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he was very sorry but he didn't expect anything less of him. Artie did his Jeff voice and told Gary that he throws like his ass looks and throws like he fucks. Howard said that Jeff could probably throw better with his bad arm than Gary threw. Jeff said that's probably true.
Howard said that Artie's 40 pound weight loss happened pretty quick. Artie said he got off the Subutex and that's what was causing the weight gain. He said he's eating better now too. Artie said he almost called Ralph to go see Star Trek yesterday. Ralph said he would go. Howard said he'd go again too. They were talking about going to see it in an Imax theater. They had to go to break a short time later.
Next up on Best of Howard we heard a cover of Jewel performing ''Needle and the Damage Done'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio. They ended the show around 12:05pm.
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Denise Richards Visits. 06/04/09. 7:30am
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made using Riley Martin audio clips. Fred also played Stone Temple Pilots ''Plush'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that everyone out in the hall was in love with Denise Richards. He said Gary said she had everyone under her spell. Howard had her come in a short time later.
Howard said Denise was looking good and liked the dress she was wearing. Howard said she's super hot. He asked her if her life was ever tough growing up. Howard said there's no way she was ugly growing up. Howard said his face, on the other hand, was tough to grow up with. Denise said she did go through an awkward stage.
Howard asked Denise when she got hot. She said it was probably 8th grade when she got her braces off. Howard asked if guys gave her too much attention and if she had guys molesting her. She said she didn't have that problem.
Denise said that her father was very strict with her and her sister. She said her father took the door off their bedroom so they couldn't sneak out. She said she was a virgin until she was 18. Howard asked about the guy who took her virginity. She said he didn't hold out too long. Howard said it's no wonder with the way she looks. Howard said he's been with girls 500 pounds heavier and he can't hold out.
Howard and Robin asked her about when she got into acting. She said she was approached to model at first. She said she always wanted to act though so it was an easy transition. Howard asked her if Starship Troopers was her first big film. She said it was.
Howard said he loved Starship Troopers and used to beat off to her image. Howard said he's seen the movie like 10 times. Howard said he remembered being a young kid beating off to it but then Robin and Artie pointed out to him that he was actually 43 when he did that. Howard said he thought about what a creep he was doing that.
Howard said Denise was also a Bond girl. She was in Wild Things. Artie said that was the greatest movie ever. Howard asked if she had ever gotten into chicks. She said that she has experimented a couple of times. Howard asked if they were other actresses. She said they were and it was just a little touching. Howard asked if she was touching breasts. She said she did and the other women touched her too.
Denise said the women she was with will remain nameless even though Howard probably knows them. Denise said she isn't really bi-sexual, she just experimented a couple of times. She said she loves men.
Howard said he pictures Denise at a Hollywood party, which meant beautiful people, and she probably found herself attracted to these women. Denise said they came on to her though. She said they don't do it in front of other people though. They go into a private room. Howard asked how the shirts came off. Denise said they just came off. Artie asked how you get a girl's shirt off. He wasn't familiar with that.
Howard asked Denise about being friends with Pam Anderson. Howard asked if that's the woman she messed around with. She said they did kiss on film. She said they did a film together and they decided to kiss and the producers had no problem with that even though it didn't even fit in the movie.
Howard asked Denise about going out with Scott Baio. She said she just went on a couple of dates with him. Howard said Scott has had sex with just about every hot girl. Howard said Scott claimed that Denise wasn't that great in bed. Howard said Scott said she was a 3 in bed. She said she never did anything sexual with him. Maybe that's why she got a 3.
Denise said that she didn't even give him a blow job. Artie applauded her for that. Denise said she ran into Scott on Easter and his wife was very nice. She said she didn't really like Scott romantically and she was only 22 at the time. She said she wanted to put it on the record that she didn't do anything sexual with him.
Howard asked Denise about who she's dating now. She said she hates dating and she's really not seeing anyone. She said she has been having sex though.
Howard said he wanted to talk to her about marrying Charlie Sheen when she did that. She said she has two great kids from that marriage so that's the good thing that came out of it. She said that she and Charlie are in a good place now and they've worked hard to get there.
Howard said he read that Denise goes to lunch with Charlie's new wife. She said she did meet her for lunch when they had the kids. Denise said that Charlie was doing really well when she met him at first. She said that she married him and she's not sorry she did it. She has two beautiful daughters because of that.
Howard asked Denise about Heather Locklear and everything she went through with her and Richie Sambora. Howard said he was shocked that Richie got her. Denise said Richie was great in bed. Howard asked if he was better than Charlie in bed. Denise said that Pam Anderson was better. She said she just said that to get off the subject.
Howard wondered if he could give her an orgasm. Denise said if you hit the right spot it's not too hard. Howard is pretty sure he couldn't reach that far. Howard said he's heard that Richie is pretty big in the pants. He's never seen it but that's what he's heard. Howard asked if he's painful to be with. She told Howard that he's funny.
Howard asked Denise about dating John Stamos. She said she's known him since she was 19. Denise said she has had sex with him and he is good in bed. Denise said John wasn't able to be with someone who had kids and she has kids so they just didn't stay together. She said that he loves kids but he doesn't want to be with someone who has them.
Howard asked how John made the move to get her. She said she was 19 at the time and he was still on Full House. She said they stayed friends over the years even after that. Howard said he's tired of John getting these women. He said women just automatically fall for him. Howard said there aren't people who look any better than John and Denise.
Howard asked Denise about Heather Locklear and how they were very good friends for a while. Denise said she met her through Charlie when they were working together. Howard got sidetracked and asked if she still wears a bikini. She said she does.
Howard asked Denise about leaving Charlie Sheen when she was 6 months pregnant. She said she was the one who left. She said they got back together for a short time after the baby was born but then they broke it off again.
Denise said her father helps her out a lot with the kids now. She said that allows her to go out on dates and stuff.
Denise said when she got together with Richie, he was already divorced from Heather. She said that she and Heather were friendly before that but now she doesn't miss being friends with her. She said they were very different and it had nothing to do with Richie. She said that they were both single at the time and she and Heather weren't friends at the time either. Denise said it was portrayed differently than it actually was.
Denise said that she and Richie both had parents who got cancer around the same time and things were hard with Heather so they weren't able to stay together. Howard said he can't imagine anything being that bad that he wouldn't be able to bang Denise.
Howard asked Denise if she has this reputation of being crazy. Denise said she just lets most stuff blow over. She said that she had to change her phone number because of the Heather stuff. She said that there were a lot of untrue things in the media around that time. She said she wishes Heather well but she hasn't seen her in a long time.
Howard told Denise she should have saved the voice mails and done a one woman play based on them. Howard said he imagines the C-word being thrown out there. Denise said that was thrown out. Howard asked if she's afraid to go to a party these days. She said she doesn't worry about that. She said she'd be okay if she ran into her.
Howard asked if things have gotten better now. She said they have. Denise said she likes doing her TV show now. She said that the reality show stuff has the same hours as a scripted show so it's not so bad. She said she's been doing some movies too so things are good.
Howard asked Denise if she has to work. She said she actually does. Howard read that she got $52,000 a month from Charlie for child support. She said that's true. Howard read that she also gets $60,000 in alimony for 2 years. She may also get some of the money from ''Two and a Half Men.'' She said she hasn't gotten that money yet even though Charlie claims that she got $40 million.
Howard asked where she's living now. She said she lives near the beach in Malibu. Artie asked her for the address and had asked for her phone number earlier.
Howard asked Denise about her reality TV show and how that's going. She said they shot more this season than she shot last season. They were on and off shooting it though. they don't just follow her around, it's pretty structured. She said it's more structured than you'd think.
Howard said Denise did Playboy and Charlie encouraged her to do it. She said that was true until the magazine actually came out. She said he wasn't too keen on the idea but came around. Then she did it and he wasn't happy about it. Howard said he thinks she had a little bush in that shoot. She said she did leave a triangle there. She said she didn't want naked lips there. She wanted to feel a little covered.
Howard asked Denise if she still keeps the triangle. Artie said he's fine with that little triangle. Howard said he'd prefer the naked lips. Howard said he'd never leave her if she had naked lips. Artie said he would date her if she was wearing a t-shirt that said ''I Love Hitler.''
Howard asked Denise if she has a male or female gynecologist. She said he is a man. She said he's in his late 40s and she's been going to him for about 6 years. Howard asked who suggested him to her. She said it was actually Heather Locklear.
Howard said when she walks in the door the guy must be the happiest man on the planet. Howard said this is a rare instance when a woman like her walks in. Howard asked if she likes having a guy. She said she just wants a good doctor.
Denise said this doctor is very good and he's very professional. She said he has never done anything inappropriate with her. Howard said it must be mind blowing to have a woman like that when you're a gynecologist. Howard said he must talk to his friends about that.
Howard asked if she will ever have a sex video come out and if she has ever taped anything. She said she always said no to people. She said that one boyfriend taped it but the video was really bad. She said they erased it immediately. She said it was a bad angle and bad lighting. Howard said Denise can't have a bad angle.
Howard asked Denise if she would date a black guy. She said she would. Howard asked who the ugliest guy is that she dated. Howard said she's been out with some good looking guys. Howard said it might be Richie Sambora. She said that he's a good looking man. Howard said he knows that but maybe he's not the best of the bunch she's had.
Howard asked Denise what she was wearing under that dress. She said she had a thong on. Artie asked if they could see it. She laughed. Denise said she had some things over her nipples too. She said they're called nipple covers and she's never worn them until today.
Denise said that she has breast implants too. She said she's never talked about that before and suggested that young girls not do it. She said that she had them done when she came out to L.A. and she was pretty flat chested at the time. She said that the implants were way too big for her body at the time. She said they didn't suit her and had to have 3 operations to get them right. She said the next guy put bigger ones in and they were way too big. Denise said she was an A-cup and she just anted to fill a B-cup but the doctor put in D-cups.
Howard gave Denise some plugs for her reality TV show. Ralph called in and asked if they could take a picture of her and put it up on the web site. Denise was fine with that. Howard said she was wearing some hot leopard print pumps. Howard said Jason didn't get a good shot of Brooke Hogan yesterday.
Jason took some shots of Denise and said that he had taken some good shots of Brooke yesterday. Jason said he'd send these shots over to Doug Hurwitt so he could get them uploaded.
Robin said that Charlie Sheen must have had a hard time having a wife after all of his sexual conquests. Denise said he did have a hard time with her being his wife. She said that they didn't last long because of that.
Howard said he would have to bend her over a chair and last just a few seconds with her. He said that most guys must finish fast. She said she's had some good lovers who last a long time though.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if she gives a blow job to completion. Denise laughed. Howard asked her if she's willing to swallow that. She said that she does that. She said that if she spit it out, it might be an insult to people. Robin said she has no problem insulting anyone. Howard said that's very hot that Denise does that.
Howard said he feels bad for a woman doing that and tells them that they don't have to do that for him. Denise said she would swallow Howard's. Artie said that she's the best guest of all time.
Another caller asked Denise about the third input. Howard said Robin has some experience with that. Howard asked Denise if she's into that anal sex thing. Denise said she wouldn't shut it down, she'd be up for it. Artie said he had to leave the room hearing this stuff. Howard told him to go out and jerk off and come back then.
Howard asked Denise if she likes anal. She said she actually does. Denise said she prefers the other but she does like that too. Howard asked if it's possible to achieve an orgasm. She said it is if you do other things with that.
Howard told Denise about the guy Robin had out in San Francisco who took her from behind in a bathroom. Denise told Robin she has to hear more about this. Robin said she didn't love it, it just happened and it wasn't that bad. The caller on the line told Howard not to end this interview. Artie said they're going to keep her in there for the next 18 months.
Howard said that Denise hasn't defecated in her life either. He said that's how hot she is. Howard said she must keep that whole thing hidden from guys. She said ''Oh yeah...''
Howard gave Denise some more plugs for her show ''It's Complicated'' that will be airing on Sunday nights on E!. Denise said that Ryan Seacrest is one of the producers on the show. She said they have a good relationship abut she hasn't slept with him. Howard asked if she's into him. She said he is handsome but he knows too much about her. She said if he asked her out she would probably go out with him. Howard said she would probably give him ass play and swallow his cum too.
Howard asked Denise to promise to never date Ryan. She wouldn't do that. Howard said he hopes that Ryan is gay. She said she doesn't get that feeling from him at all.
Howard took another call from a guy who said hi to Denise from where she lives. He was trying to sell her a house that's for sale on his street. Howard said getting out of that town in Illinois must be nice. She said she went back and visited that old house she grew up in and it was kind of fun.
Howard took another call from a guy who had an F, Marry Kill game for her. He gave her Stamos, Sheen and Sambora. Howard said she has to F one, marry one and kill one. Howard told Denise she had to do it. Denise laughed and said that she would have to say that Charlie would have to be killed. She said she was sorry about that but had to do it. She said that it was a toss up with Stamos and Sambora. She said she was sweating over this one. She said she would fuck John and marry Richie. Artie said she was the greatest guest they've ever had after hearing that.
The caller said he beat his dick to a pulp to Wild Things. Artie said in the words of the great Bob Levy, he beat his dick like it owed him money.
Howard asked Denise about doing Dancing with the Stars. She said her kids love the show so that's why she did it. Artie said they love it because they're two. Denise said they're actually 4 and 5.
Another caller asked if she likes to have her ass spanked. She said she's had that done. They've all done that to her. Howard asked if it's fun for a girl. She said it is as long as it's not too hard. Denise also said she doesn't mind hair pulling. She doesn't like choking though.
The caller asked her to describe the kiss between her and Neve Campbell in Wild Things, very slowly. She said that they didn't have time for that. Artie said he'd want to hear that but he had already finished.
Denise said she was going to do Regis and Kelly this morning. Howard figured that Regis wouldn't be asking her about anal. Artie did his impression of him for a second. Artie said he's going to have to watch her show and this is the first guest that has made him change his TiVo from Sports Center to ''It's Complicated.''
Ralph called back and said that she should keep the kids off the show. She said that they're only on for like 30 seconds in the whole series. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Sal Ruins Ian's Party, Howard Ruins Ian's Call. 08/10/09. 8:05am
Howard took a call from this guy Ian who was Sal's friend. Howard said that Sal ruined his party from what he heard. Howard tried to do the ''Hello'' thing with this guy but he wasn't playing along like the earlier caller. The guy just started telling his story to get them to stop with their ''hellos.''
Howard said that Sal was at Ian's party and Sal ended up mooning people and doing stuff like that. Howard said he did like 50 things in a row to fuck up and insulted the woman whose party it was and things like that.
Howard had Gary come in to share some of the stories about Sal. Ian was still on the line asking ''hello'' like he didn't think they could hear him. Howard continued to dick him around with the ''hello'' thing. Howard said he can see why Sal ruined his party.
Howard said he got pissed off over vacation when he saw a reporter talking about the reason for SIRIUS XM doing poorly is because of the amount of money they pay Howard Stern. Howard said that he never has anything positive said about him. He said that Mel Karmazin has said that the one thing that does pay for itself is the Howard Stern Show. Howard said that the media hates him. He said that they refuse to give him any credit whatsoever. Howard said that the CEO of the company has said that his show pays for itself. He said that someone has to pick up on that story but they never do.
Howard said that this guy gets on the air and claims that he ruined the company all by himself. Howard said that there are many other shows on there that they pay big money to. Bob Dylan's show is one. Gary said he bets they pay that guy $5 million a year. Howard said that's insane. Howard said he loves that Bob Dylan doesn't even want to do the show anymore. He does like 1 hour a week. Howard and the guys goofed on Dylan for a couple more minutes.
Howard got back to Ian and Sal. He said he heard that Sal went over and drew jizz on the face of this woman whose picture they had hanging at the party. Howard said Ian wanted to send the picture to his mother-in-law and Sal ruined that.
Gary said that Sal insulted the hair of a woman who cuts dog's hair. Sal pissed her off and her husband came over and Sal insulted him too by saying that he looked like Dave Grohl with AIDS. Sal went off to some parking lot and ended up peeing in the parking lot. He was going to get a ride from someone and he insulted them by saying that their 17 year old son was out getting his asshole fingered by the chick he was on a date with.
Sal also did some things like hiding bananas around the house and things like that. Then he got sober the next day and sent the woman who he insulted some flowers.
Sal apparently told Gary that he didn't think that he was upsetting his wife at all. Then he tried to have sex with her the next night and she just held up her hand to him and said that they weren't going to be doing anything. Sal wondered if she was upset with him for what he did the night before. Gary said it was like he didn't know that's what it was about.
Gary said that Sal once pulled the plug on a TV as they were counting down to New Years Eve one time. He got into trouble for that but doesn't get why that's so wrong.
Sal came in and said that his wife was really quiet after the party. He thought that she was just being quiet and didn't know she was upset with him.
Howard asked Sal why he has to be the center of attention. Sal said he's really not. He hadn't had a drink in 3 months before that. Sal said he had to call Ian and apologize to him for insulting his sister. He said that he knows that you just don't do that kind of thing. He said he blacked out at the party and didn't know what he was doing.
Howard asked Sal how he drew jizz on the chick's face. Sal said it was like a big splat on her forehead. He said that she was wearing a skirt in the picture so he wrote ''Wish I was here'' and had an arrow pointing up the skirt.
Howard said that Sal is so starved for attention that he would rather act out than be ignored. Robin said that the only way they know to get attention is doing things like that.
Fred said that his theory is that Sal is just stupid. Howard said he's really not stupid. Fred said Sal knows that he's fucking up but he continues to do this stuff. Sal said he's better than he used to be though so he is learning.
Howard asked Sal if his wife is talking to him at all. Sal said she did tell him to give the kids a bath. Sal said that he thought the therapy was working when she wasn't saying anything to him. He said he thought she was putting up with his crap. Sal said that she looked at him and told him to get lost when he wanted to have sex with her on Saturday night.
Howard said that it's a shame that Sal's wife is so hot and she's stuck with him. Artie asked Sal if he really thinks that therapy is helping. Sal said that it is because he is changing. Artie said that he's really not.
Howard said that Dick Van Dyke was a comedy writer on his TV show and when he went home he was a normal guy. Sal isn't like that. Sal said he's trying his best. Howard laughed when he heard that.
Sal said that the heavy drinking was all about trying to forget about everything. He said that he's turning 40 soon and he figures his life is pretty much over already. He said that the guy he admires the most is saying that his wife is fucking someone else too. Artie said that no one is fucking his wife.
Sal said that he's not an alcoholic so he's going to continue to drink. He said he really doesn't have a problem with it. Howard told Sal that he's a good guy but he ruined this guy's party.
Howard had Ian tell his side of the story. Ian said that Sal also did an anti-Semitic rant at the party. Sal said he was praising the Jews at the party. Ian didn't remember exactly what he said. Ian said that Sal was doing some other stuff that insulted the people at the party.
Howard said Sal doesn't have a filter and he just can't behave. Howard said he wants to be the star of the party and he's acting like a baby throwing a tantrum when he does this stuff.
Artie said that when Sal tries to say stuff about the Jews it comes across like he's obsessed with them. Robin said that he believes all of the stereotypes and he brings that stuff up when he's talking about them. Howard told him to try and rise above it. Sal said he is.
Sal said that he was saying that the Jews come into a neighborhood and the property values go up. He said that's all he was saying. He said they're like the Viagra for real estate. Sal said he wasn't saying that other people aren't, but he appreciates that. Artie said that he is saying that others aren't good for property values.
Artie asked Sal to draw jizz on A-Rod's picture in the paper this morning. He said he wanted to see what his jizz drawing looks like. That led to Howard talking about A-Rod dating Kate Hudson. Then Sal talked about how these broads are just into guys because they're good looking and have some money. Artie talked about the Yankees and how they may make it into the playoffs this year.
Howard drew the load on the face of some guy in the paper and Artie said that it looked like it was raining from his hair. Sal said that was because it was a lot of jizz. Sal said he's embarrassed to face his therapist after what he did. Howard let him go after that.
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Raven Alexis Rides Takes The 123rd Sybian Ride. 04/08/10. 8:35am
Howard said he had to move on to this Sybian ride thing. He said today is the 123rd Sybian ride and to mark the date they're going to have the creator of the Sybian, Dave Lampert, come in to talk about the product. They also have porn star Raven Alexis coming in to ride it. They brought her in first. Howard said she's very ''girl next door'' looking.
Howard told David to get nude for the segment. Raven came in and said that she was wearing a vibrator necklace today and it has 5 different speeds. She said she was playing with it the whole time she was at the AVN awards.
Howard said Raven is very beautiful and he was very excited about this Sybian ride today. He said that they have to celebrate the 123rd ride today. He said that she won some AVN awards this year. He asked how long she's been in the business. She said she's been doing it for about 3 years. She said that she's signed with Digital Playground and she thinks that's why she's getting so much attention lately.
Howard asked Raven if there is anything she hasn't done yet. She said that she hasn't done anal yet but she is willing to do that. Gary said that the Howard TV guys saw that she wasn't wearing panties. Raven showed Howard and she definitely wasn't wearing any.
Howard asked David if he was going to run the Sybian today. He said he can't. He said he'd get in trouble if he did that. David said that this was the first vagina he's seen in a long time. Howard told him that he should adopt Raven. Robin asked if they watch porn. David said that they do... but not together.
Howard asked Raven when she got into porn. She said she was about 20-21 and she was on her way to visit a friend and there were like 3 people on the plane. She said that she was sitting by herself and this girl came up to her in the back and sat next to her. She was telling bits and pieces of the story so Howard said that if Courtney Cox is listening, David is beating off.
Howard got back to the story and Raven told Howard about how she and this girl got into this discussion about being bi-sexual and they started touching and kissing. She said that she was the one who started in with the other woman. She said they were in the back so no one was bothering them back there. She said they ended up eating each other out right there in the seats. She said that they didn't even go to the bathroom to do it.
Howard said that David was taking pictures with his cell phone. David said that he's going to get into so much shit for this.
Howard asked Raven if she ever saw that woman again. She said she never did. She said it was just the one time. Howard asked David if Courtney's labia look as nice as Raven's do. David said they do. Howard said she has very nice labia. Howard said he thinks that she's David's type too because she likes to get dressed up in outfits and go to parties and stuff.
Howard asked Raven about what kind of parties she likes to go to. She said she loves costume parties. She said she has a Star Trek uniform. She gave them the Spock ''Live long and prosper'' hand signal. Howard asked if she knows much about Star Trek. She said she's still young so she's going back and watching the old stuff now. She said she just got into it. Howard asked if she knew what a Tribble is. She didn't know but she's young.
Howard read about Raven liking how she likes it when people wear masks during sex. She also likes a bunch of other stuff like guys cumming on her face. She doesn't think that's degrading at all. Howard said his therapist tells him it is.
Howard read that Raven was admitted into Harvard law school but she turned it down. Howard asked why she didn't go. She said she didn't think it was for her. She got into nude modeling and then into porn.
Howard read that she pleasures herself like twice a day. She said that's true. She said that she enjoys sex and she loves doing porn. She said she's actually married with two kids and she's only 23. David said it's like his mom all over again. Howard said his mom was a pin up girl aback in the 50s.
Howard said that Raven gave herself 100 orgasms in a day once. She also masturbated while driving 80 miles per hour on the highway. She said she thinks that was a bad idea but she did it. Howard said she's one hot chick. He gave her some plugs for her web site RavenAlexis.com and other stuff.
Howard said they're going to have the creator of the Sybian come in while Raven rides it during the 123rd ride on the show.
Howard had Dave Lampert come in after that. Howard said he's the creator of the product. David Arquette was laughing when he came in. Howard asked Dave how all of this came up. Dave said that he's almost 80 and he didn't want to talk about how he got into all of this. He said that his life experiences gave him enough to make him able to analyze the world by his standards so he knew they needed this product. Howard asked if he was a sex therapist or something. He said he was actually a dance instructor for 35 years. Howard said he must have been banging a lot of chicks and he wasn't giving them orgasms. Dave said he found out that many women weren't having orgasms and he figured out that they needed this machine.
Howard said he really appreciates him creating this product and bringing it to his show. He said he's had Jenna Jameson and Carmen Electra ride it before. Dave said he saw both of those rides.
Howard asked Dave more about what he had discovered and how he came up with the idea to invent this machine. Dave said after many years he went about the idea of inventing it and designing it. Howard said it's a pretty sophisticated machine. He said they have a lot of things going on. Howard asked if he sketched it out on paper first. Dave said it was a mental thing. He said he went through hundreds of different versions. He said if you watch the documentary you'll see some of the original designs. Howard asked how many deaths occurred during the designing. Howard joked that 23 had died but Dave said it was zero.
David Arquette was laughing his ass off during the whole interview. Howard asked if he got it patented. He said that they turned it down because there were some designs from the 1700s that described something similar.
Howard asked if they looked for test pilots for this thing. Dave said that they had some people who were around him that would try it out. They went to swing clubs and tried them out once they got some of the first designs worked out. Dave said that a doctor helped him develop the product. David asked if any vaginas had ever caught on fire. He said that they hadn't. Howard asked Dave if he had ever tried it out himself. He said he had. He said that he has had many orgasms on it while holding a woman who is using it. He said they sell the Venus 2000 as well so he's used that.
Howard asked Dave how old he is. He said he'll be 80 in October if he lives that long. Howard asked if he can still have sex at his age. Dave said he didn't want to answer that question. Howard said that's too bad because he should be having sex. He invented the Sybian. Howard asked why he doesn't try Viagra or something. He said he has no desire to do that.
Howard asked if the Sybian makes him money. Dave said he does. He said that he makes money and he's always made money. He said they have had increases in their annual sales up until this year. Howard asked how many they sell. He said he can't answer that exactly but it's in the tens of thousands, not the hundreds of thousands.
Howard asked Dave if he's made millions off of this thing. Dave said he had. He said he's rich by his own standards but he didn't say what those standards are.
Howard said that they were going to do the Sybian ride today. Dave asked if he could control it and control how it's used. Howard said that they don't do insertion there. Howard said they're not allowed to do that. He said that they just have women sit on it. Dave said that's only a portion of the stimulation. He thought that they had done insertion at some point. Howard said they hadn't.
Dave said he thinks that if they allow him to control it they'll see some things that they have never seen before. Howard said he was getting kind of creeped out.
Robin asked if they're still working on the Sybian or are they done. He said he hasn't changed it for about 22 years because he thinks he designed it just the right way.
Howard had Raven go over to the Sybian and gave her some plugs. He said that Dave is going to be an some awards show on Saturday night.
Gary said that Dave didn't want to use the set up they had. Howard begged him to just do it with what they had. Dave said he wishes that they'd allow him to use it the way they'd use it in their home. He wanted it on the floor the way it would be at home. Howard said that he didn't want to get into that and they can't start taking things apart.
Gary asked David Arquette if he has to call home and tell Courtney what happened before someone else does. David said he probably will. Howard said a happy birthday to Courtney and David's daughter while they were talking about that.
Howard asked Dave what he wanted to do with the Sybian. He said he wanted to put it on the floor and he wanted to hold her while she was using it. He said he had permission from her to do that. Howard asked if she really wanted to experience that. Raven said she was fine with that and she wanted to experience it.
The Howard TV guys came in and took the Sybian apart so they could put it on the floor. Gary said it was like a pit crew. They took it apart and put the Sybian on the floor. Howard said he thinks that Raven just ran out of the room. Robin said she thought this was supposed to be about fun.
Dave had the guys put the Sybian on a mat and then they got started. David said that this was ruining the visual with Dave in the shot. David said it was very creepy. Will said that Dave was grabbing Raven's ass. Dave was hugging her during the ride too. Dave was mumbling something to her as he turned up the power. Raven was moaning and Dave kept jacking up the power. He was saying stuff to her as she was trying to get off. Raven said she was cumming and Dave told her to say it loud so they could all hear it. Dave kept her going and she was yelling and cursing as she was cumming. Dave kept her going time after time. Dave told them to let her go.
Howard told Dave to let her up because it sounded like he was killing her. Dave told her to keep her eyes closed but Howard wanted to end it. Dave said he was going to go again. He let her rest for a few seconds and then started it up again. Raven said that she could go again. Dave told her to go again. She was moaning as he had the power surging up and down. Dave told her to just let it out. Dave wanted her to go again but Howard jokingly said they just got a call from the actual inventor of the Sybian and he was stuck at the airport.
Howard told Dave that was something. Gary had Raven get up. Howard asked if she was okay. She said that was the best ride she's had. She said she had about 15 or 20 orgasms. Dave said that he told them that they'd see something they'd never seen before. Howard said it was the weirdest thing he's ever seen. Robin said they saw an old man giving a girl a Sybian ride.
Howard said he thinks that Raven is in love with Dave. He gave them both some plugs and said it's going to be good on Howard TV. He said that Raven is a knock out, especially for an 80 year old. Dave said he didn't get an erection though. Raven asked if Arquette got one. David said that Dave pretty much killed it for all of them. Gary said he wasn't sure about an erection but he hasn't laughed that hard in a long time.
Dave said that the Sybian is getting an award tonight at some awards show. Dave told Howard that most women can go on much longer than they did today.
David asked if he could get a discount on one. Howard asked if David would do that with his wife. David said he would.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that this was just creepy. She said that they have a lot of cutting edge stuff on the show but this was just creepy. JD came in and said that he got a note from someone saying that Raven was into Necro porn.
Ralph called in and said that this was the creepiest thing he's ever heard on the show. He said that they should get Arquette on the thing. David was laughing his ass off at what was going on in there. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later. You can find out more about the Sybian at Sybian.com.
The Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant - Jamie Jungers. 03/10/10. 8:15am
After the break Howard came right back and got into the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant. Howard said that they have $100,000 from AshleyMadison.com to give away to the three women. Howard said the winner will be getting $75,000, second place gets $15,000 and third gets $10,000.
Noel Biderman from AshleyMadison.com was there to judge. Howard asked Noel about how the business is going. Noel said things are good. Howard asked if Tiger would have gotten caught if he had used AshleyMadison.com. Noel said that they delete all history if people don't want to be caught. He said that they can help people cheat and not get caught. He said that no one has access to anything you do on the site other than yourself.
Noel said that he's going to be judging the girls on the stories they tell and he's going to ask if they had more than one affair. He said he wants to know if they do this as a regular thing.
Howard had Fred hit the intro for the pageant and got right into it. Fred did that and the announcer introduced Howard Stern as the host. Howard said he loves beauty pageants and he loves being in a Tuxedo. He sang a little bit and made up a song as he went along. Howard turned on the Autotune for a few seconds at the end of the song.
Howard said that Robin and Fred were wearing beautiful gowns for the pageant. Howard said the first contestant, Jamie Jungers come in. They had the announcer introduce her. They had some details about her but Howard didn't hear how old she was. Jamie said that she's 27 years old. Howard told Fred to turn the awful music off that he had playing. Howard found out that Jamie is 5'7'' tall and weighs 105 pounds. Howard said she had a bikini on but it looked like lingerie. She said it was a bikini.
Howard asked Jamie if she thought that she was going to have just a one nighter with Tiger. She said she did. Jamie said she was working at the Bellagio at the time and she dos different events there. She said that she was doing a pro-bowl event that day. She said she got a lot of attention from the guys there at the time. Howard said one night Tiger showed up to the event and he paid attention to her. Jamie said that was the case. She said that Tiger actually sent someone over to her to talk to her. Howard said that's the move to make when you're famous.
Jamie said she was a VIP host there and Tiger was there just partying. He wasn't part of the event she was hosting. Howard asked if she ever takes a deep breath and wonders about what people think of her and if she's upset that they think she's a hooker or something. Jamie said that she never did anything like that.
Gary asked why she went for Tiger and no one else. Jamie said she has gone on dates with other celebrities but she didn't want to say who they were. Howard asked if Tiger was attracted to her or was it that he was Tiger Woods. She said she was attracted to him. She said that she had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship at the time and she was only 21 years old. Jamie said she had a crush on Tiger too so she jumped on the opportunity.
Robin said that Tiger must not have been faithful at all in his marriage. He was only married for a couple of months when he was with Jamie. Jamie said she asked tiger how things were with the wife when she was with him and Tiger just said ''Good.'' Jamie said she hoped that he would open up with her more. She said that he did tell her that she was home in Switzerland a lot.
Howard asked Jamie if she knew that there were other women other than her. Jamie said she didn't think she was the only one. She said that if he was with her and his wife then there could be other women. Jamie wasn't sure if he was doing that though.
Howard asked if she did it with him on the first night. Jamie said she did but that's not typical with her. She said she had a crush on him and she had just broken up. She said she was also drunk. Howard asked if Tiger asked her to go back to his room. She said that he took her to a mansion they have at the MGM out in Las Vegas. She said that it was usually just her with Tiger and his friends when they'd go back there. Howard asked how long it took to get into that. Jamie said it was just a short time. She said that Tiger led her to his room and that was it.
Howard asked if Tiger is as big as they say he is. Jamie said that he is pretty big. She said she wasn't frightened of it or anything. Howard asked if she was thinking that it might hurt. She said she had been drinking so she didn't think about that at all.
Howard asked if they did it quick or was it drawn out. Jamie said it was pretty quick the first night. They'd have some rough sex too. She said the more they hung out the more they got to know each other and things slowed down. Howard said he'd like to know what rough sex is. She said that he'd throw her up against the wall and things like that. Howard said he's known for gentle sex. Jamie said that's what she prefers.
Howard asked if the sex would go on all night. Jamie said it would go on for a while. She said that he didn't use condoms with her either. Howard said that she was wild back then. Jamie said she did a lot of dumb things back then. She said that he would pull out and cum on her chest. Howard said he's heard that he's kind of kinky. He asked Jamie is that's true. She said she never experienced that with him.
Howard asked Jamie if she misses Tiger. She said that she does. She was in love with him and she does miss him. Robin asked what he was texting her in the texts he'd send. She said that he'd call her his ''little coffee cup'' and things like that. She wasn't even sure what that meant. Jamie said that he'd call her ''Jamie juices'' too. She said he called her that because she was wet.
Howard asked Jamie if she thinks that Tiger is a sex addict. She said that he might need help. She said that him getting into these relationships with women that he wasn't married to was weird. She said that something isn't right mentally. Howard asked Jamie if she would go back to him now. Jamie said no. She said that it has had an effect on her personal life. She said her father is taking a lot of crap at work over it. Jamie said her mother told her all along that she should tell everyone what was going on but she thought it was her personal business.
Howard said he heard that Tiger may have paid off a lot of the women. Jamie said she doesn't believe it. Jamie said her ex is the one who came out and told her story to the tabloids. She said she was waiting to see what was going to happen and she didn't want to talk about it. Jamie said she came out to tell what was right and what was wrong about her ex's story. Jamie said that the ex is the one who wasn't telling the truth about when it happened. She said he claimed that Tiger was the one who broke them up but they were already broken up.
Robin asked if she ever asked Tiger for money. Jamie said that she didn't until near the end of the relationship. She said she needed some help to get out of this situation she was in and she asked if he could help her out a little bit. Jamie said she hadn't asked for anything before that. Tiger told her he couldn't help and that was when it ended.
Howard asked if Tiger ever took her out in public. Jamie said that he did and there were people who would take her picture with him and she's surprised that the story never broke before it did. Jamie said that she thinks that Tiger should have apologized to all of the mistresses when he made his speech to his wife and family recently. She said that he hurt them too.
Jamie said that Tiger would arrange for them to fly around the country to meet and he'd always fly her coach. Howard said that must have pissed her off. She said that he never really did anything all that extravagant.
Howard said that Jamie is one hot piece of ass. Robin asked how it all came to an end. Jamie said that conversation about helping out is what led to the end. She said that she felt he didn't care about her and told him she was wasting her time. Howard asked if she thinks that it will last with him and his wife. Jamie said that's hard when they have kids. She said that he has something mentally wrong with him and he'd have to fix that.
Howard asked if Tiger is like 9 inches long. She said it is probably about that big. She said that he tried to do anal on her and she told him no. Jamie said that she has tried anal before and it's not her thing.
Fred asked Jamie about being there when Tiger's father died. Jamie said that he had flown her in that evening and he got a call that night from his mother. He called his mom and he came back in and said that his dad isn't doing very well. Jamie said that he came back after going to the hospital and he was doing okay. She said they went to bed and had sex and around 2 or 3 in the morning they got the call from his mom saying his father had died. She said that he had a blank look on his face and she could tell he was broken up. Jamie said she wasn't sure what to say to him. She said she was sorry to hear that and told his friend to get her a flight out of there. Jamie told him to take his time and get over the whole thing. Howard said she's very considerate. He said she was really nice to the guy.
Gary asked Jamie if Tiger ignored his mother's calls a lot. She said that he didn't as far as she knows. Howard asked if he would register in the hotel as Tiger Woods. She said she's pretty sure he did. Howard said it's almost like he wanted to get caught.
Howard asked Jamie if she sings at all. She said she doesn't at all. Howard said that he wanted to get the girls into a band together.
Howard said Jamie was an awesome girl and that was great for the first contestant. Gary said she set the bar for the rest.
Howard mentioned that the prize money is coming from AshleyMadison.com. He said that Noel seemed to be deep in thought there. Noel said it was going to be tough to judge today.
Howard asked Jamie if she did a lot of stuff for Tiger that she didn't do with other guys. She said that they would have sex several times a night. Howard said he must have an incredible appetite. She said he really does. Jamie was also saying that she did orgasm with him.
Howard found out that Tiger didn't do a lot of oral on her. Jamie said that was fine with her because that was more of an intimate thing with her and they didn't do it until toward the end.
Jamie said that she's going to be doing some modeling and acting and she hopes that her name isn't brought up as Tiger's mistress when she's mentioned. Jamie said that Tiger once asked her to have another woman in bed and she told him that she would do it if the other woman was his wife. She said that subject never came up again.
Howard said they had to take a break and then they'd bring in Loredana Jolie.
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The Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant - Loredana Jolie Ferriolo. 03/10/10. 8:55am
After the break Howard came right back and said that they were going to get to the second contestant, Loredana Jolie Ferriolo. They had a clip of the announcer talking about some of the stuff she did with Tiger. Howard said that Loredana had quite a bod on her. He asked if it was weird for the girls to see each other there. Loredana said it wasn't that odd. Howard asked if her boobs were real or fake. She said they were real expensive.
Howard asked Loredana what it was like to have this stardom all of a sudden. Loredana said it's been confusing. She said it's embarrassing too. She said that there are people who look at you like a whore but there are others who say ''good for you.'' She said that she hasn't had anyone come up to her and call her names to her face though. She said she has seen people commenting about her being a home wrecker in the tabloids and stuff.
Loredana said that she went out with Tiger for two years or so. She said she met him at a night club. Howard asked if she was with some matchmaking company when she met. Loredana said she met Tiger through that service. Howard asked how much it cost to get matched up with her. She said it was $15,000. Howard said she's different than Jamie because she was paid to meet Tiger. Howard asked if they say with a wink ''hey, lets have sex together.'' Loredana said that it's all up to her. She gets paid no matter what. She said that she thinks that they take a good portion of that money but she see's a lot of it. Howard asked if she's still doing that. She said she got out of it because it was getting annoying and scary.
Howard asked if she jumped into bed with Tiger on the first night. Loredana said she gave him a hard time and he kept chasing her. She said that he used the bodyguard to come over to her to talk to her. Howard said he would always go up to people and talk to them himself. He said that he should have used a bodyguard.
Howard asked Loredana why she gave Tiger a hard time. She said that she just wanted to play the game. Howard said that they must have overlapped with her and Jamie. She said that tiger used condoms with her. She said that they may have overlapped. Jamie said that she should have insisted on the condom thing too.
Howard asked Loredana if she was impressed with Tiger's penis size. She said that it was impressive. She said she bragged to her friends about it. Howard asked how she bragged. She said she would just talk about him having the biggest penis. Howard asked if size matters. Loredana thought for a second and said ''no.''
Howard asked if she was in love with Tiger. She said she wasn't. She also said that she got gifts from him, unlike Jamie. Howard said that Jamie wasn't even able to get help when she asked for it. Howard said this is crazy.
Loredana said she didn't know that Tiger was seeing anyone else but she assumed he was. She said he was cheating on his wife she figured he would cheat on her. Loredana said that once you're a cheater, you're always a cheater.
Howard asked Loredana about how much of a freak Tiger was with her. She said that he would do some role playing stuff with her and they could go 3 times a night. Loredana said that she waited until the third date before she was with him though.
Howard asked how quickly Tiger would finish with her. Loredana said that he was very fast the first time of the night. Howard said he understands that. He said he would cum in a second with her and with Jamie... and just about anyone else.
Howard asked Loredana if Tiger liked BJs from her. She said that he did. She said he never came in her face. He would pull out and not cum in her mouth. Robin asked where he would finish. She said he would do it on her chest or somewhere else.
Loredana said Tiger would bring other women into bed too. She said that he would bring women from other countries into bed. Howard asked for more details on that. Loredana said that Tiger would be in a business suit and he wouldn't bang the other girls in front of her. She said that he'd wear the whole suit with the tie and all. Then the girls would get it on in front of him and he liked the whole show.
Howard asked if he would talk through the show. She said that he would tell them what to do and he would beat off during it too.
Howard asked about the thickness of Tiger's penis and found out it was pretty thick too. Howard said that he's not thick or long. Loredana said that size really doesn't matter though.
Howard asked how it all ended. Loredana said that they just went their own way. She said that he used to text her and ask where she was and stuff. Robin asked if he would fly her out coach and stuff. She said the matchmaking company would take care of all of that so it was different every time.
Howard asked if Tiger spent over $200,000 just on her alone. She said that the $15,000 was just one time. She said that it probably wasn't 200,000. Noel said that he's in the wrong business if they were getting $15,000 to set people up.
Howard asked if people are after her to interview her. Loredana said she's writing a book and she has more stories about dating guys like Bruce Willis. She said she met him when she was in a Hawaiian Tropic pageant. She also says she dated Michael Jordan. He's another married guy. Loredana said that Tiger beats them all with his penis size. She said that he's the best in bed too.
Howard asked if Loredana is good in bed. He said she looked very attractive too. Howard said she must not be racist to be with a black guy. She said she's not.
Howard asked if she was upset with Tiger not apologizing to the mistresses. She said that she has gone through hell over this whole thing so she was kind of upset.
Howard asked if Tiger is circumcised. Both Jamie and Loredana confirmed he is. Howard asked Loredana if she thinks Elin should leave Tiger. She thinks that they should stay together.
Howard said that Tiger seems to be into white women. Loredana said he's really into blondes. Howard said that you'd think that he'd give it to a sister once in a while.
Howard had Loredana do a spin for the guys. She did that and then Fred asked if she ever found herself doing things sexually with Tiger just because he was Tiger. She said that it wasn't just for Tiger. Howard asked what kind of kinky stuff she would do. She said the role playing was kinky for her. She said she likes dirty talk too. Loredana said Tiger would have a guy involved in the role playing but he'd never do anything with them. She said he would have the guy doing things to the other women.
Robin asked if tiger would have sex with her in front of other people. She said that he didn't do that. She said that the other guy was Tiger's friend and he'd do the girls in front of him. Howard said this is some wild stuff. Jamie said she never had any of the role playing stuff going on.
Howard asked Loredana if she was fully shaved. She said she was. Howard asked if Tiger ever shaved her. She said that didn't happen.
Howard said he didn't think that Tiger was that good looking but the girls both said he was attractive. Howard said both of the ladies were lovely women. He said it was going to be a tough decision.
Howard asked Loredana what she would do with the money if she won. She said she didn't have any plans. Jamie said she'd use the money to move her family to Las Vegas. Howard said he's not sure that would be the best thing to spend it on.
Howard said that the girls were looking hot today. He said Tiger was really having a party. He said he feels bad for the guy now. Gary said the press were all waiting out in the Fish Bowl in the lobby and listening to the show.
Howard asked the girls if Tiger ever licked ass. Both Jamie and Loredana said no to that. Howard said he would do that for them. Howard asked if Tiger asked them to do it to him. Loredana said that he did ask her to do it but she wasn't into that. Loredana said she's not sure why anyone would even want that. Loredana said that Tiger actually pushed her head down there but she refused. She said that he didn't ask her to do it, he just pushed her head. Howard said that's a lot to ask of a person. Howard thanked Loredana for speaking to them and moved on to the next contestant.
The Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant - Jaimee Grubbs. 03/10/10. 9:25am
Next up was Jaimee Grubbs. They played her in with a quick announce. She asked to sing because she heard Howard singing earlier. Howard let her sing but the Autotune wasn't working on her microphone.
Howard asked Jaimee about how she met Tiger and what kind of relationship they had. She told Howard how they met and how she didn't look at him like she wanted to go out and date him. She said that he was kind of nice but couldn't dance. She said she didn't have to work hard to get his attention and she just wanted to hang out with a celebrity that night. She said she didn't even want to go home with him.
Howard asked Jaimee if she was upset with the whole thing when it broke. She said that she would have thought the same thing if she wasn't involved and she understands why people were upset.
Howard asked Jaimee how she met Tiger out in Las Vegas. She said that she was asked to come to his table and Tiger told her she didn't look like she was having any fun. She said she loosened up and had some fun and then at the end of the night they asked her and her friends to come back with them in their limo.
Howard asked Jaimee about how she didn't know he was married. She said that he didn't have a wedding ring on that night. It took three days before she got to kiss him. She said she go to go to the mansion at the MGM Grand out there just like Jamie did.
Howard asked what Jaimee about how there's a rumor that some of the women have been paid off. He asked if she's upset about him not paying her off. Jaimee said that she's upset that he never told her anything after he cut her off when his wife found out about everything. She said that Tiger tried calling her on Thanksgiving to ask how she was doing and that wasn't cool.
Jaimee said that she and Tiger didn't use condoms together. She said it was one of those heat of the moment things that they just did. She said he would never cum inside of her. She said that he would pull out. Howard asked if he would cum on her face or anything. She said that it was always respectful. She said that they never did any group sex stuff either. Howard asked if he asked to pee on her. She said he never did that either.
Howard asked Jaimee if they did oral on each other. She said that they did everything. Howard asked if he asked to lick her backside. She said they didn't do that.
Howard asked if Tiger had the biggest penis she'd ever see. She said that he didn't have the biggest and he envies a 9 iron. Howard asked her to show how big it was with her hand. She said he was very girthy but not all that long. She said he might be bigger than 7 inches. Jaimee said she had orgasms with him too and she wouldn't have stayed with him if she didn't.
Howard asked if Tiger was quick in bed. She said that he was pretty fast and he would hold out maybe 5-10 minutes. She said she didn't go all night with her though. She said she didn't do anal with him either.
Howard asked if she thought Tiger was going to leave his wife for her. Jaimee said she figured he would eventually. She said that he came after her even after she called it off when she found out he was married.
Howard asked if she went out with Tiger in public. She said that he'd only be out there for a couple of days so they didn't go out that much. She said that she's very busy so she didn't mind just going and hanging out with him. She said she's a hard working girl and she wasn't all into going out in public.
Howard asked Jaimee if she was the last mistress to be in touch with Tiger. She said that she thinks that she may have been. Rachel Uchitel may have been another one. Howard said Rachel wanted to be there today but she wasn't able to due to some kind of settlement she had.
Howard asked Jaimee if she kept all of the texts that Tiger sent. She said she kept them because she's sentimental. Howard asked if she would get back together with Tiger if he came back to her now. She said she thinks that she would be friends with him but she wants to know why he did what he did to her. She said that he has to apologize to her because she didn't know about his wife. She said that he tossed her around like a rag doll.
Howard asked if Jaimee is dating anyone now. She said she is and the guy is upset with her only because she's on Howard Stern's show. She said Howard isn't as bad as she thought he'd be. Howard asked if she had a nickname. She said that Tiger would call her SkinnyFat because she eats like a fat person but stays thin.
Howard asked if Tiger liked BJs from her. Jaimee said she thinks he did and she thinks she's good at it. Howard had her spin around in her bathing suit for the guys before they got to the judging.
The Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant - And The Winner Is... 03/10/10. 9:40am
Howard moved on to the judging and went over each of the girl's stories. Jaimee added that her boobs are real too. Jamie Jungers' were real too. Howard said his face is real too and there's nothing he can do about that.
Gary said he had a clear thought on who the winner was. He said that Jamie and Jaimee were both thinking they were in love with the guy and Loredana was the only one who got into it knowing it wasn't a real thing.
Howard asked the girls if they think that he can be cured of his sex addiction. The girls were saying there is something going on there and they're not sure.
Howard said it was time to get the judges to give their thoughts on all of this. Noel Biderman was there from AshleyMadison.com and they were the sponsors of this whole thing. They were giving the $100,000 in prize money. Howard said that their friends at Steven Singer Jewelers also have a ring for the girls. Gary said the ring is really nice. It has a black diamond in it. The ring is a one of a kind ring.
Robin asked Jaimee if she's writing any books or anything like that. She said she's not but she is looking to do some modeling or hosting of a TV show or something.
Howard asked the girls if they had a hard time making the decision to come on the show. Some of the girls said that they were going to pass but then they found out more about the show and decided to do it.
Howard said they have the money, the ring and also a 50 inch TV for the winner. That's from Beezid.com.
Howard moved on to Gary and asked him what his vote was going to be. Gary said all of the girls had hot bodies. He said that he was surprised at the two Jamie's stories but he has to go with Jamie Jungers. He said she's not the person that he thought she was going to be today.
Howard went to Noel Biderman next. He asked Noel what he thinks. Noel said he's with Gary and he thinks that Jamie was emotional and she had a connection with Tiger. He said that she has his vote too.
Howard said it seems her innocence is swaying the guys. Gary said that it seems she wasn't out for anything other than liking the guy. Gary said that Jaimee Grubs almost got him too because she was almost near tears. Jaimee said that she didn't even know that Tiger was married at the time. Noel said that's what he was holding against her.
Gary asked Jaimee how long she didn't know he was married. She said it was about a year. Gary said you'd think that she'd figure it out dating the guy for that long. He's a national figure. Jaimee said Howard is a national figure too and she's never listened to his radio show. She said she didn't like golf so she never watched it on TV. She said that she didn't find out he was married until she told a friend about her dating him.
Howard said that Jamie has gotten two votes but they have 3 more votes. Robin said that she was drawn to the stories of the two Jamie's. She said that both had incredible stories. She said that she sympathized with Jaimee Grubbs more than the other Jamie. Robin said that she's giving Jaimee Grubbs a vote.
Howard said that it wasn't over yet for Loredana. He said she could still get two votes. Howard said that he was sick over this whole thing. He asked the girls if they hated Tiger now. They all said they didn't hate him.
Howard asked Fred for his vote next. Fred said that while Robin's argument was compelling, he said that she didn't know she was a mistress so he can't vote for her. He said that Loredana would win for the hot factor if that was the only thing they were judging on. He said that he thinks that a mistress has to have an emotional connection and Jamie had that. Fred said he was giving his vote to Jamie Jungers. Robin said that Jaimee Grubbs kept it going once she found out he was married though. Fred said he was still giving his vote to Jamie.
Howard said this was a no brainer for him. He said all three are beautiful and brave. He applauded all three of them for showing up. Howard said that he felt bad that Loredana didn't get any votes. He said that she was very smart about the whole thing but she knew what she was getting into. Gary said that she's got a great ass too. Howard said he thinks that Loredana is saving something for her book.
Howard said he was taken by Jamie Jungers. He said he agrees with Noel about her being a ''true mistress.'' he said that Jaimee Grubbs has a doll face and a great body. He said that all of their stories took him but Jamie Jungers' story did it for him. He said it was very close for him. He said that coming in at third place is Loredana. He said she wins $10,000 and a TV set from Beezid.com. She didn't have anything to add after that.
Howard said Jaimee Grubbs came in second with $15,000. He asked her what she thought. She said she was kind of bummed about that.
Howard said Jamie looked like she was shaking. Jamie said she was very happy and this was the best thing ever. Howard said she just won $75,000. She just had a birthday yesterday and this was great. She said she can help her family move out to Las Vegas with her now. She said things have been very tough for her lately and this is great.
Howard asked Jamie if she wanted to thank anyone. She thanked God and her family and friends. She thanked her mom and her friend and her little dog Apple as well. Howard said that everyone is leaving with money today. He sang to all three of the girls as Noel came in with the money from AshleyMadison.com. Howard said he was kind of bummed out that Noel was going to be a judge but he's glad it worked out the way it did.
Howard asked the girls if anyone wanted to stay for the press conference. Loredana and Jamie Jungers were going to stick around Jaimee Grubbs said she had to leave. Howard went to break after that.
Gary Dozes Off During The Show. 06/17/10. 7:35am
Howard said Gary stays up too late. He said Gary is getting older now and yesterday he fell asleep during the show around 9 when he should be working. Howard said Gary is a super involved dad and he's just wearing himself out staying up too late. He stays up until 11. Howard said he needs Gary awake during the show.
Howard said he didn't confront him about it but he has proof. Howard said he was snoring away in the 9 o'clock hour. Howard said he ate every black and white cookie they had their from Crumbs bakery. He said that's just disgusting.
Gary came in and said that he didn't fall asleep. He said he did close his eyes. Gary said he was never out. Howard said he was snoring and he knows he was sleeping. Gary said he wasn't sleeping. The Howard TV guys showed the video and he did look like he was out. Gary admitted it did look that way. He said he didn't eat every cookie either.
Howard said Gary was out. He said they'll show the video on Howard TV and he was sleeping. Gary said he's never done that before. He admitted it was disrespectful to the show. Howard goofed on the way Gary was licking his lips while he was sleeping. Gary didn't know what was going on there. Howard said Gary was out of it and he had his chair reclined. Howard said they have to stay awake during the show. He said that's a prerequisite for the show.
Gary said he does go to bed too late. He said he was up late the night before. Howard told him he has to watch the cookie thing too. Gary said the cookies were the small ones so they weren't the big ones. He just treats himself on Wednesday. Howard asked if he can make the show more exciting for him to help keep him awake. Gary said it's not about that.
Howard told Gary it's kind of a bummer that he did that. Howard said the Howard TV guys told him about the tape and he said he had to see it. Howard said he doesn't watch everything they do there. He said he just expects people to put in a hard day's work. Howard said if a guy is going to sleep on the job then he thinks that they are a baby. Howard said this is offensive to him as Benjy showing up late. He said it's just as disrespectful.
Howard said this happened with Gary one time when Mel Karmazin was giving a tour to some people. He found Gary sleeping in the green room. Howard said Mel had to say ''excuse me'' to Gary. Howard did his impression of Gary waking up and saying he was sorry. Howard said Gary would have been fired that day if he wasn't there to save Gary. He said Gary licks his teeth and lips when he's sleeping so that's kind of weird.
Howard did his Gary impression and licked his lips and choppers. He was goofing on him for a few minutes about that.
Wrap Up Show - Gary Vs. Scott And Doug. 06/17/10. 11:10am
Jon and Gary started the show talking about the Mark Cronin thing. Gary said that when Howard talks behind your back he's doing it on radio and it's tough for those people. They went over some other stuff and mentioned that meeting that Gary was part of and how Tim screwed up the whole thing with his long speech.
Jon went over a few more things and said he wanted to start off talking about the fight that Gary, Scott and Doug were in. Jon set it up and explained how it all came about. Jon said there was an agreement that they could have a camera in Gary's office if they only used it when he was on mic.
Gary said over at K-Rock they had some trouble getting the camera set up. He said they wanted to do it a certain way and they had trouble setting it up. When they came here they had to leave the camera on him the whole time to make it work.
Gary said he thought those guys had his back but they fucked him. Scott came in and said that it was too funny not to give to Howard. Scott said even Jon came in and watched it and didn't tell them not to play it for Howard. Jon said that he did say they had a tough decision to make. Scott was almost putting the blame on Jon. Gary said that it wasn't his responsibility to say he shouldn't air it. Jon said there's no way they wouldn't air that clip if he had told them not to.
Gary said the really insulting thing is that they say they knew it was wrong and they had to labor over the decision.
Doug came in to talk about it too. Gary said that they were derailing this whole thing. He said that it's turned into a Jon and Will thing instead of a Doug and Scott thing. Scott said that Gary was yelling at him in the office back there. Gary said that he was the one he had the conversation with so of course he was yelling at him. He said he never had that conversation with Doug. He trusted Doug to know better.
Scott said if he knew it was all going to fall on him he would have told Doug that he shouldn't tell Howard. Gary said that's wrong too though. Scott said if more people are going to take the blame then he would do it. He said he's mad at Howard for the way he handled it.
Jon said that Howard was telling Scott he was wrong for breaking Gary's trust. He likes that he got the tape but he thinks Scott was wrong for screwing Gary. Scot said he's sure that Howard would like him to do it again. Jon and Gary agreed that Howard probably would like that but it doesn't make it right.
Gary said Scott thinks this is all in good fun but Howard is now saying that he knows he sleeps during the show and that hurts him. Doug said he has seen Gary on that camera for years and that was the first time ever he's seen him do anything like that.
Jon had Teddy play some audio of Gary saying that he wasn't sleeping while they played the tape of him sleeping. Gary claimed that he just had his eyes closed.
Gary said he felt sandbagged today. Scott said he thinks that they should kill the tape and never play it again. Gary said it's too late. He said the tape is already out there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Gary is kind of a hypocrite for going off on Scott about this and he has gone off on Benjy for showing up late. Gary said that what he did was wrong and he had never done that before and he doesn't do it repeatedly. He said he's not being a hypocrite. Gary said that Benjy was late numerous times. He said if he did that himself then he'd deserve being yelled at about it.
Jon said that Scott doesn't feel he should be the one being yelled at. Scott said he had a room full of guys telling him what to do. Gary said that he's responsible for the final decision though. Scott said one of the other guys saw Gary sleeping and it was Doug who made the decision to tape it. Gary said that was the right decision. He said you can't go back and get it again.
Doug said that he would have kept that tape as long as he had to before giving it to Howard. He said he felt like a guy giving a puppy a bone when he showed Howard the tape. He said he explained in detail what happened before he showed it to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that this was like a 7/10 split for Scott. He said that he must have other tape of Gary picking his nose or something like that. Gary asked Scott if he records his camera. They don't really keep tape of Gary from that camera but not a lot. They don't have 6 hours of a day or anything like that. They only have it when Howard is talking to him and Gary knows when that's going on.
Another caller said they have a lack of thick skin there. He said Gary is upset about this tape and they used to pick on Jackie for the whole day. Gary said he gets picked on every day and he's taken it for years and years.
Doug said he thinks that Gary holds grudges with people. Gary said he really doesn't. He said he remembers stuff but he doesn't hold a grudge. Scott asked if he would be invited to a party at his house. Gary said he would still invite Scott.
Scott brought up the tape that Scott the Engineer had used of Stuttering John's audition tape. Gary said it was probably wrong for Scott to play that. He said John thought he wasn't going to. Gary said John was good about not using something on the air if you told him not to. John would bring it up if you didn't say that to him though.
Scott said he never knows the direction Howard is going to go on something. He said he didn't know how he was going to go with this whole thing.
Wheels called in and asked Gary if he's upset with Will and Jon for not doing something. Gary said the thing that bothers him is that he knew the camera was on him but he knew that they weren't going to fuck him because of that conversation they had. Gary said that he just turned his camera away at first after Howard played the tape. He said that after that he just unplugged it.
Wheels asked Gary if he gets in trouble for playing Solitaire. Gary said he got in trouble for that already. Gary said he won't be turning that camera on until they get it fixed the right way. They have to track down the box they need and then they have to open it up and solder it so they can get it to work the way they want it to.
A caller said that DePace knew that Gary would try to get rid of the camera and asked Howard not to let him do it. Gary said that he's not saying that it's never going to be on him. He just wants it to work the right way so it's only on when he's on the mic.
Gary and Scott were also talking about how Scott left early last week. Gary said he went around trying to find Scott and everyone was staying silent and not telling him where he was. He said it was very weird. Gary said he wanted to bull shit about something with Scott and that's why he was trying to find him. They went over that for a short time and then went to break.
Wrap Up Show - More Gary Vs. Scott. 06/17/10. 11:45am
After the break Jon took a call from a guy who said that this is all on Gary and he shouldn't be taking it out on these guys. Gary said he knows he was wrong to fall asleep but he trusted those guys not to show any tape. The caller said he has every right not to trust those guys anymore. He said he thinks that Scott is a douche anyway.
Gary talked about the food they get there on Wednesday from Crumb's Bakery. He said that they have the best black and white cookies and he had 7 of them yesterday. He said he was woozy on sugar and that's why he passed out.
Ralph called in and said that it's good that Gary is up now. He said that he's sorting through the bull shit and Gary is upset he got caught. He said that Doug and Scott are equally to blame in this. He said it's a huge invasion to be recorded when you don't think you are. He said that he also loves that they gave him the best ammunition ever. He said that it writes itself. Scott said that's not funny. Ralph said Scott is a snake.
Gary said there were two things that went on with Scott that were difficult for him. He said that he spoke to Scott directly about not taping him. Then he lashed right back at him when he confronted him about it.
Doug asked Ralph what he would have done if he knew the back story. Ralph said he would have run right into Howard about it of course. Gary said Ralph isn't the barometer for moral compass. Ralph said that he is on Gary's side about the betrayal. He said he'd go nuts too about being recorded. Scott read one of his Facebook posts from a fan who was happy he did what he did.
A caller asked Gary if he would have been okay with the tape being played if they had brought it to him first. Gary said they may have talked him into it. It may have taken him a while to get over it before he'd let them do it. Doug said they would have gotten slaughtered by Howard if they went to Gary first.
Wrap Up Show - Tim Sabean's Meeting Takeover. 06/17/10. 11:50am
Tim Sabean came in so they got on the subject of the sales meeting that he took over. Ross was upset with him spending so much time up there. Tim said that Ross should have said something if he thought it was going to be so long. Tim didn't think it was going to be 35 minutes. He thought it was going to be about 5. Gary said he knew it was going to go long. Gary said Tim did what he had to do but he couldn't believe that he thought it was going to be 5 minutes.
Jon said that this fight must have been great for Tim. It took the pressure off of him. Tim thanked the guys for that. Tim said there is a fine line about what they did. He said he knows what goes on there and they have great content. He didn't know there was an agreement before hand. He said they should have gone to Gary first.
Jon said that Doug didn't want to lose that element of surprise for Gary. Tim said it was great content. He's not sure about the way they handled it though. They had to end the show a short time later.
Next on Best of Howard we heard Miss Howard Stern, Andrea Ownbey, singing ''Drunker Than Me'' with Trent Tomlinson. They ended the show around 11:45am.
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