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Howard started off the week saying that they were unable to get George Takei this week. He heard that they blew it with the amount of money they offered him. He said that the first time they had him on, during the first week, they came up with a little more money. This time George asked for the same amount and they weren't able to come through with it. Howard said he needs to have a meeting with the people there to figure out how to keep the guests happy and he's not sure who he needs to have that meeting with.
Gary told Howard it would probably have to be with Tim Sabean and Scott Greenstein. Howard thinks that it's crazy that they have to go through all of this stuff to get a guest on the show. He said that if they're going to give receptionists shows on SIRIUS, they may as well just give George Takei his own show and pay him that way. He doesn't want to be involved in all of this stuff but that's what ends up happening. Artie said he hopes that this doesn't ruin the relationship with George. Howard doesn't think it has.
Howard said that he told Fred that if he wants anything taken out of the movie, he'll take it out. Fred said he doesn't have to take anything out though. Fred said as long as there was nothing malicious going on, he was okay with the movie.
Fred and Howard spent a short time talking about the movie and Artie said he thinks this is all a publicity stunt for the movie. Howard said that he told Fred that he loves him and he would withdraw the movie if Fred isn't comfortable with it.
Artie said he went to see the Allman Brothers over the weekend. Howard wondered if he was wasted at the concert so Artie told Howard the whole story. He said that there were a lot of Stern Fans there and they all had SIRIUS. He said it's amazing how many people there actually have it. He said that the people there all looked like they spent money on two things, SIRIUS and weed.
Artie said that the Allman's opened up with the song Mountain Jam and that lasted about 12 minutes. Then they went on to some other good songs and all of the fans were just hanging out and tripping. Artie was on the side of the stage and some of the people in the crowd started yelling stuff out to him so he had to move. He was playing air guitar on the side of the stage and he figures he looked like an idiot up there.
Artie said that the band played some great songs but he wanted to make some requests of his own. Howard told him that he went to a Billy Joel concert one time and requested that he play ''Downeaster Alexa'' and he actually did it for him. Artie said that the band had a bottle of Jack Daniels there so he got a little lit. He said that at one point they had a 25 minute drum solo that was almost like the band daring the audience to leave. Even the other band members don't stay on stage for that. Greg Allman went up to his dressing room to take a break during that solo.
Howard wondered why someone would leave their own show. Artie said that Allman must go up to chill out for a while and he may have even laid down for a few minutes. Everyone there was probably tripping anyway so that 25 minutes was probably okay with the audience.
Artie said he went out to a diner after that show. Then he was betting on the college basketball games over the weekend and dropping $1,000 bets on them all. He said he picked the underdogs and they came through so he's up by about $4,200 right now. He did start out betting the $1,000 but lowered it to $500 on some of them. Howard said that it sounds like the therapy is really working out for him. Artie said he hasn't started yet but Dana is still pushing for him to do it. He didn't see her over the weekend but did talk to her on the phone. He said that they're still working things out.
Howard said that it sounds like Artie's relationship is still falling apart. Artie said that he couldn't even whack off on Saturday because he was so drunk. He said that he also had a contact high from the 17 year olds that were smoking the great weed there. Howard put the word out to Dana that she'll never be able to meet another guy like this... a big, fat, alcoholic gambler.
Artie said he got up at about 1:30 on Sunday afternoon and had some leftover pizza from Friday. He came home and jerked off after going out to get the paper and some other stuff. He said he had jerked off to a picture of Jenny McCarthy. He described her bending over and making one of her goofy faces and she's just not funny. He'd like to tell her that to her face too.
Artie told a story about how when he was working at MAD TV he had jerked off to Christina Applegate's image as she was about 2 feet away from where he was at. He was reminded of that by a friend of his. He told Howard that he was working with her on the show at the time and there was something really hot about her. Howard said that it's kind of funny how actresses think that he's an actor when he's really just a long shoreman from New Jersey.
Artie said that he could hear Christina talking as he was jerking off to her. He couldn't see her at the time though. Howard said that he jerked off to just about every woman in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard said that they spent a long time shooting the scene with Melanie Good and he had to beat off because she was pretty physical with him and she was completely naked in the scene. He was pitching a tent in the bathtub and he had to try to calm himself down. Robin said she remembers that scene and Howard had a real tent pitched in those scenes. He wasn't faking that.
Chris O'Donnell thought that Renee Zellweger really liked Artie, according to Artie, when he shot a movie with her. Artie doesn't believe that's really possible. He said that she was so nice back then and she wasn't even that big in the business yet. She had a rock hard body at the time and they spent some time having lunch together and stuff so he figured she liked him. Howard said he once met Renee and thought the same thing because she was so nice to him. He said he only met her for like 5 minutes and he was convinced that she was in love with him.
Artie said he saw Renee at some press coverage event for the movie and he was barely able to get near her at that point. Howard was talking about another scene where he was in bed with Mary McCormack and how great that was. He was making out with her and feeling her up so he was popping a rod in that scene as well. He said that he would jerk off in his dressing room but then he'd come back and pop another rod during the shoot.
Artie said that he remembers what people were saying about Howard's movie and how it was like a great love story. Howard said that he would inject sex into the scenes. In the wedding scene when he grabs Mary and kisses her, that was ad-libbed. He also talked about the scene where he was rubbing Mary's breasts when she was pregnant in one scene. He said that just kind of happened and no one stopped him. He said he was making out with her and rubbing her boobs and she was supposed to be pregnant. He knew that she wasn't pregnant for real so she was still hot under the costume.
Howard said that this guy Phil was writing about him only fighting for himself and how he doesn't give a crap about any other cause. Howard said that of course he's going to fight for himself. He's got CBS coming after his ass with their lawsuit so what is he supposed to do, bend over and take it up the ass? He said he wouldn't be fighting CBS or the FCC if they weren't coming after him. He said that the guy's observation was ludicrous in Howard's opinion. He said that he never claimed to be a crusader, other people may have but he hasn't.
Robin read some of the article to the guys and Howard said that after he read that article he wanted to write a letter to the guy explaining what he's really all about. Howard said the guy is probably jealous that he's making a great living and he's not. The guy comes across as a really angry guy according to Artie. Howard said that's probably why his column is in the back of the paper where you can barely find it.
Howard took another call from Bong Hit Eric who said that he loved the programming they had on Howard 100 and 101 over the weekend. Howard said that he's very happy with the way things are going there at SIRIUS now. He said he was talking to Tim Sabean about what their next move will be. He said he had another caller on the line who thought that the programming was horrible over the weekend. He put him on with Bong Hit and the two of them went back and forth arguing about what they were playing this weekend. The guy kind of changed his tune and said that Howard and the guys have been doing a great job there.
One of the guys asked if Hate Man has called in since they moved to SIRIUS. Howard said he hasn't called in and a bunch of old fans have disappeared since they moved. Bong Hit was really wasted and wasn't able to stay on the phone so everyone could hear him. Howard let him go and ended up talking about the Howard Stern Film Festival that's coming up in April.
Howard mentioned that they have a few guests coming in this morning like Wilmer Valderrama, Jillian Grace and another chick from the Playboy channel there at SIRIUS. He said that one of the girls is going to end up on the Sybian today. The guys spent some time talking about some of the stuff that they've heard Bubba doing on his show lately.
Double A called in and said that he'd like to hear more content on the channels. Howard said that they're working on more stuff and the only person who won't be on will be Double A. Howard said they will be announcing a new show later in the show that will be airing tonight. The show will air after Bubba's show and it will run to midnight or something like that. He's not even sure at this point. He eventually found out that it will run from 8 to midnight on Howard 101.
Double A thinks that his Wack Pack show was so great that they should get another chance to do another one. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. He told him he was crying like a bitch and he should stop already. Howard told him to stop crying, they gave him a couple of shows and he should shut up already. Howard told him he's already in the family and he should stop crying and begging the way he is. Artie wondered why the guy would even want to work, he's a lottery winner who doesn't have to work. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that they have a jam packed week this week. He mentioned the guests they have coming up today. Later this week they have Chris Kattan, Tori Spelling, Darrell Hammond, Carmen Electra, Tera Patrick, Blue Iris and others coming in. Artie said he once wrote a bit for Tori Spelling on MAD TV and her manager got so pissed off by it that he canceled her appearance.
Lisa G came in with a Howard 100 News preview. She said that Shuli was out at a show with Bob Levy and things didn't end to well for Bob Levy. Shuli said that Bob got really drunk and ended up vomiting on stage during the second show on Saturday night. Shuli said that there were some people who ran to the bathrooms while that was going on but there were others who had their fists in the air as if it was the best show ever.
Artie found it hard to believe that Bob could be made to vomit from drinking when he's eaten tons of ass. He wondered how he could top that and figured Bob would have to shit on stage. Artie said that he once did a show when he was trying to stay sober and ended up drinking again because the crowd wouldn't let him do anything until he did drink.
Shuli said that Bob wasn't able to find any ass to eat from until the last show on Saturday night. They did four shows total and didn't find one until that last show. He said that Bob had to hold the crowd hostage until they sent a girl up there to get her ass eaten. Robin was wondering if that will become Bob's next thing, vomiting on stage. Shuli said that Bob is telling people he's trying to clean up his life, meanwhile he's vomiting and eating ass on stage.
Lisa G said that they'll have some audio of that on Howard 100 News today. Shuli had his microphone with him and caught Bob throwing up in the bathroom. Artie said that Bob is like one of those guys who would love to have his gig on the Stern Show but he doesn't think that Bob could actually do it. He's pretty sure that he wouldn't be able to handle getting up that early. Shuli and Artie talked about how neurotic Bob is before the shows he does.
Bob Levy called in and said that he threw up on stage because the guy who ran the thing was taking money for the ads they ran for the show. He was also saying that Artie shouldn't be complaining about how miserable he is because he's not spending 2 nights in the kitchen of a comedy club.
Lisa G told Howard they have another report about how Howard may have some extra money in an account that he's forgotten about. She said that there will be another addition of Page 69 from Will and Jason today on Howard 100 News as well. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said that Gary was talking to a guy at Radio Shack who was telling him that all of their radios come in and go right out within days. The guy didn't know who Gary was, he was just having a conversation about the sales. Howard said that they can't even produce that many radios by that time but Robin thinks that they could get it done.
Howard said that Robin could sit on the Sybian in her panties if she does it. She said that she wouldn't do it in the studio, but maybe in the closet where no one can see her. She said she really doesn't think she could do it in front of anyone. She told the guys that she wouldn't be able to do it at all but Howard was trying to convince her to do it with a Birka on her face.
Robin was thinking things through trying to figure out how she could do it without anyone knowing who it was. Howard said she'd have to do it herself but she was saying that she just can't do it.
Howard took a call from a guy in New Jersey who said that he got his On Demand hooked up and he ended up finding his wife masturbating to one of the Sybian episodes. He was complaining about how the shows they have listed on the web site aren't the shows that are on his cable system. Howard said that Doug explained that to him and every cable company works things differently. They all load the shows at different times. Doug came in and told Howard that they're trying to work with the cable companies to get the shows up in a timely manner. The content is there, the cable companies just aren't getting it on their systems. Howard had to take another break after that.
Wilmer said that when he was down in Venezuela, around the age of 14, he was able to get laid. He had sex before he left there. Howard asked him if he was getting any girls during the high school years. He said he was always trying to figure out how he was going to be able to get a cup of coffee. He joined a theater department in school and eventually went on to get some commercial work. After that he got a job on ''That 70's Show.''
Wilmer said that his parents are so proud that they don't ask for anything so he has to take care of them himself. He said that he bought them a place to live. He's got a sister who did a little modeling so she takes care of herself. He's got a couple of other siblings that he's going to do some stuff for though.
Howard said that Wilmer dated Lindsay Lohan so Artie figured that he must have taken her virginity. Wilmer said he just met her like last year. He's also dated Ashlee Simpson so Artie figured he must have banged her as well. Fred was playing some porn clips of a woman screaming and Wilmer said that it was louder than that.
Wilmer said that his first celebrity date was with Ariana Richards when he was about 17 years old. Howard told him that he's like the Venezuelan John Stamos. Howard asked him if Lindsay's boobs are real. Wilmer said that they are. Artie asked him what it's like to see his dick disappearing into those tits. Wilmer said it's pretty amazing actually.
Howard read that Wilmer also dated Mandy Moore. After every name that Howard mentioned, Artie would say ''You fucked ___?!'' He's nailed a lot of hot chicks from what they can tell. Howard asked him if he got Mandy when he was doing ''That 70's Show.'' Wilmer said that the moral of the story is that everyone should get a sitcom because that's how all of this went down. He told Howard that Mandy is a very attractive girl.
Wilmer went on to say that he's the kind of guy who doesn't hang out in the VIP room roped off from everyone else. He doesn't have that kind of attitude and that's what the women must be attracted to. He said that he could be fired any day now and if he doesn't make friends now, he could lose all of that when he loses his job.
Wilmer told the guys how he met Mandy Moore. He said that they were each other's first loves so Howard figured he took her virginity. He wanted a high five from Wilmer when he heard that. He said he's never taken the virginity of any woman so he doesn't know what that's like. Artie said that the closest he came was being a girl's 14th. Wilmer said that he's a huge fan of the show and he's a bit star struck sitting in the studio this morning.
Howard asked Wilmer what it's like to pop that hymen for the first time. Wilmer was trying to avoid answering the question. He did say that it's not like warm apple pie the first time. He said that it's really good though. Howard asked him if he can get all of the other stuff like oral and things like that. Wilmer said that you have to be into doing all of that stuff when you're in a relationship.
Wilmer said that he met Mandy and told her that she was good looking and that brought the room to a stop because no one talks to her like that. He said he went to pick her up at the hotel and her mother told him that she had changed her shirt 3 times already. He took her out to eat at and took it from there.
Howard said that he needs about 7 hours to interview this guy. He went through the list of the girls he's dated. He asked him about each girl after mentioning their names...
Wilmer told Howard that two things go through your head. He said that ''Holy shit, is this really happening?'' goes through your head and then you concentrate on lasting a long time. Howard asked him if he has to wear a big, thick rubber so he lasts a long time. Wilmer said that all of the girls are pretty normal once you get to know them.
Howard said that he's been with some pretty famous chicks and he's thought about how crazy it is when he realizes who he's banging. Wilmer said that he's been doing ''That 70's Show'' for 8 1/2 years now. It must be a normal thing for him by this time.
Howard asked Wilmer if Lindsay was anorexic when he was dating her. He said that she lost the weight after they dated so she wasn't like that when he was with her. Howard asked her if she had the bright red hair down below. Wilmer said that she didn't have any hair down there and she really pampered herself. He said that she was one of the best girls that he's had in bed too. Artie asked him if he thinks that she's a shittier actor or singer. Howard and Wilmer think that she's a good actress. Wilmer said that she's a very talented girl.
Howard asked Wilmer about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. He said that they're both wonderful people as well. Howard couldn't get over the Lindsay Lohan thing so he got back to that. He read that Lindsay was so jealous of other girls that she would erase numbers from his cell phone. Howard also asked him about Ashlee Simpson and Wilmer said he didn't do her. Howard told him that he would stick his finger up her ass if he was doing her. Wilmer was saying that he didn't have sex with her but the guys weren't going for that.
Howard asked him if he's ever had two chicks at the same time. Wilmer said he would never lie to his fans... yes, he has had two women at the same time. Howard asked him who he's with now. Wilmer said he's single right now. Howard told him that he's out of control and thought that he was lying about not having gotten Jessica Alba.
Howard saw that Wilmer owns a huge house in the San Fernando Valley. Wilmer said that he just bought Chuck Norris' house. He also talked to Howard about the new TV show he has going on with MTV. He said that the show is called ''Yo Mama'' and they do a rank out type thing with the contestants on the show. The winner gets $1,000 and then they have the best of the best come back and compete against each other.
Howard said that it doesn't get better than this guy's life. His new show starts on April 3rd on MTV. Howard asked him who he thinks is the hottest chick out there right now. He mentioned Angelina Jolie. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then went through some ''Yo Mama'' jokes. Wilmer said that he has a couple of favorites that he likes and they're going to get into some pretty harsh stuff when they play it on MTV. Howard wanted to get back to the Lindsay Lohan discussion again. He talked to Wilmer about her for a short time and then Gary came in and said he wanted to ask about a product placement thing he did on Jimmy Kimmel's show.
Howard asked Wilmer about that and Wilmer said that he does get paid to do events for that game he was promoting that day. Howard played the clip they had from that show where Wilmer plugged the game ''Halo 2.'' He worked his way into that discussion pretty smoothly though.
Howard took some phone calls for Wilmer and one guy asked if he had any video of these girls he's been with. Wilmer said that he has videotaped some of his experiences but he's erased them afterward so they don't end up on the web or something.
Double A called in and asked Wilmer if he's done anything with Alyssa Milano. Wilmer said he hasn't been with her. Double A also asked Howard if he would let Beth O work with this guy. Howard said no way to that. He asked Wilmer if he's actually bigger than 8 inches. Wilmer said he is slightly larger than 8. Howard asked if he could measure him. Robin was saying that she was getting turned on just thinking about this guy but she wasn't picturing his 8 inches or anything. Artie told her to look at him to calm herself down.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked if they get stoned for real when they're doing the scenes on ''That 70's Show.'' He said that he doesn't get stoned and never has. He swore on his family that he's never done that. Howard said most people do that stuff to forget their lives, this guy has no reason to do that.
Howard read that Wilmer is going to be in a remake of CHiPs playing the part of Ponch. Howard said he might have to come down to the set and hang out with him sometime. Howard asked him to do a quick F, Marry, Kill game. Here are the names he gave him and what Wilmer said he would do...
Wilmer said that ''That 70's Show'' is coming to an end on May 18th. He said that they were lucky enough to get a second round of syndication and Artie went nuts when he heard that. He said that this dude has to be worth about $15 million right now. Wilmer said that it's very exciting right now because the show did so well. He said that the show came to him and his family when they needed it most. He told Howard that the show will be an hour long and they'll have some behind the scenes stuff. Howard told Wilmer he wants him to come back and talk about if any of these girls have pissed his bed. He asked him if he's had anal with any of the girls, without naming names. Wilmer said 'yes' when he was asked and he wouldn't say who it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Wilmer should call in each Friday, instead of Mike Walker, and he can tell four stories and they have to figure out which one is fake. Another caller said that Artie has to shut up and let the guy talk. Artie said ''fuck you asshole'' and told him to fuck off. Howard told Wilmer he can come in anytime because he is ''the man.'' Howard said he could hang with this guy but he'd have to kill him. He said he was able to hang out with Stamos even though it's a little intimidating. Artie said you get hit with ''pussy shrapnel'' when you hang around guys like that though. Howard took one last call for Wilmer and the guy said that he's a great guest because he was actually talking about this stuff on the show. Howard wrapped up after that call.
Howard said read an article about the seal hunt they have up in Canada. He said that he's become kind of a softie for animals these days. He said he saw a picture of a high school student wrestling a bear and he was wishing for the bear to rip the kid's head off. He said that we really don't need to be involved with animals like that. Robin said when she watched ''Grizzly Man'' she was rooting for the bear and she got her wish because the guy was eaten by the bears he was living with.
Howard said that the new guy who is running the FCC is younger than they are and it's kind of freaking him out. He said he read a quote from the FCC and wanted to talk about it but he wasn't able to find it. He had to dig through a pile of paperwork trying to find it. He said that they're coming out with more fines and he's kind of glad they are. The industry didn't fight the fines when they had the chance so now they're going to pay. He said that they apparently had an argument about the word ''dick'' and ''shit.'' Meanwhile there are people dying over in Iraq. He said that maybe this guy who is running the FCC should have more experience in life before making decisions about whether or not people can say ''dick'' on the air. He doesn't know what they think is going to happen if that word is said.
Howard read one article about David Letterman's race team and how one of his drivers, Paul Dana, died over the weekend. He said he doesn't know why these people want to be involved in that stuff. Shuli said that the guy was a rookie and it was a pretty brutal crash, they had video of it on the news.
Howard said there was a picture of Star Jones coming out of a doctor's office after getting a breast lift. He said that she's losing all of her weight and shaping her body by plastic surgery and he and Robin think that she's almost died from it.
Shuli filled Howard and Robin in on the accident that took the life of Paul Dana. After that Howard said that there's tape out there of the 911 calls that were made from the people who were in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Howard wondered who would want to hear that. Artie said that stuff should be played in the first few minutes of the Wafah Bin Laden show. Howard said that the only reason that people are interested in her is because her uncle Osama is like Hitler. He said he can't imagine losing someone in 9/11 and then finding out that there's tape of their last moments out there.
Howard read a story about a subway accident that happened in Queens recently. This guy fell down the stairs of the subway and his head ended up over the edge of the platform. The train came by and beheaded him. Robin said there was another story about a guy who was out with his friends and ended up losing his legs because he wasn't able to outrun the train. The guy sued the MTA and actually won.
Howard read an article about Barbra Streissand and how Elvis Presley had gone to see her at a show one time. He was still thin at the time and visited her in her dressing room. In the article he was reading it said that Elvis had painted Barbra's toe nails. That's how he got her so Howard asked the guys if they would ever think of doing something like that. Shuli said he would push his girlfriend down and run away if she asked him to do that.
Howard read through a bunch of other stories and spent quite a while talking about Clay Aiken and how he's apparently going to be pictured in the paper with a bunch of women in the near future. He also thinks that Brad Pitt will be dead in the next few months because he's' taken up flying his own airplane. He figures that the first time he has to fly in fog, he's going down.
Howard played the clip and the heater was pretty noisy on low. It gets very loud on Medium and really loud when it's on high. Howard said he can't imagine how anyone could install something like that. The heat just blows in your face when it's running as well. Sal asks Ronnie what he thinks about the system and Ronnie said that if they didn't have that, it wouldn't take care of heating the vehicle. Ronnie came in yelling and asking Howard what he wants from his life. He said that he didn't build the car but Howard told him he does have control over who builds it and he wants a different company to build his next car.
Ronnie was telling Howard that the Playboy channel on SIRIUS is really hot and guys can probably get off to that stuff. He said that the discussions they were having the other day when he was listening were pretty hot. Howard had to go to break before bringing the Playboy channel girls in.
Howard said that Jillian has been on the show a bunch of times and she never had all that much to say so he finds it hard to believe that she's got her own radio show. Jillian said that she can hardly get a word in when she's on his show. Howard also asked her about Pauly Shore and if she's still with him. She said she's not with him but they do text each other once in a while. Pilar told Jillian that she should have offered to sleep with Howard before Pauly. She said that he was already with Beth though so she couldn't do that.
Howard asked Jillian a little more about the guys she's dated out in Hollywood. She said she went out with Dave Gallagher for a short time and he was just way to into himself so she had to get out of that relationship. He had just turned 21 at the time and he didn't have any time for her. She said she was looking for a relationship and he wasn't. Jillian said that she was with him for about 8 months.
Jillian is living in the Bunny house across from the Playboy Mansion. She said that they're not allowed to have guests over at the house so the girls are kind of upset about that. Howard said he also heard that Jillian has to supplement her income by working in a shaving store. She said that she does work at shave place where guys come and get shaved. She can't do a lot of events while she's a Playmate so she does stuff like that.
Howard asked her about who she's dating now. Jillian said she's out of the Hollywood scene and dating a cop now. She was telling Howard about the radio show that she and Pilar are doing. They'll take phone calls about just about anything and they talk about the stuff that callers ask about. They also have Playmates come on the show and they'll talk to them about their lives.
Pilar, who was the August 2004 Playmate, said that their show is not boring like some of the guys think. Howard asked if it was true that they switched out some of the girls from the ''Deal or No Deal'' show because they weren't hot. Pilar said that they did switch some of them out but it probably wasn't because they weren't hot. Howard found out that Pilar has a 90 day rule with the guys she's with. Jillian doesn't have that rule and it didn't take long for Pauly Shore to get her.
Pilar said that she doesn't want guys who have loose ends to be with her. She also asks the guys to get a blood test for STDs for her before they can bang her. Howard read that Pilar had once self-diagnosed herself with leukemia by looking up her symptoms of protruding lymph nodes on the internet. Howard told her never to diagnose herself through the web, that's not the best place to do that.
Howard said it sounds like Jillian and Pilar's show must be boring because they don't like to talk about their relationships. The girls said that they don't like to talk about their past relationships, they will talk about current ones though. The girls were telling Howard how they would answer certain questions. He asked Pilar what they would do if a woman called in and asked about being worried about having a smelly ass. Pilar said that she would suggest taking a shower.
Howard said that you have to call SIRIUS to activate the channel because it's not available to just anyone. There is no extra charge though. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the girls were going to get on the Sybian. The girls said that they won't be doing that in there. Jillian said that she would do that in the privacy of her own home but not on his show. Howard told the girls that they have to lighten up a bit and do some crazy stuff on their show.
Jillian told Howard that she remembers seeing people having sex in the Grotto at the Playboy mansion and how that was one of her most memorable moments of being there. Howard asked Pilar what the most memorable moment for her was. She was telling a story about not seeing anyone having sex in the grotto as being her most memorable moment. Howard didn't seem to understand why that was so memorable but Pilar said it was the one thing that stood out in her mind.
Jillian told Howard about how she got to go up to Hef's room one night when he was having an orgy with a bunch of girls. She said that the girls who are going to be with Hef have to take a bath before getting into bed with him. Jillian said she didn't take a bath because she wasn't going to participate. She said that the girls don't play around in the bathroom either, they just clean up and go into the bedroom. Jillian said that she did get topless when she went into the room but the girls who don't do anything keep their panties on.
Jillian said that she did have someone touch her boobs and she did kiss another woman but she thought that was kind of weird and she's not into that kind of thing. Jillian said that Hef walks into the room with no pants on but with just his shirt on. Jillian thought she was going to get in trouble for talking about this stuff. Howard told her that lots of girls have talked about this stuff, she'll be fine. Jillian said that she never saw Hef's penis. Each girl in bed had a specific job to do there and she found that interesting. Robin asked if she saw Hef finish. She said she thinks that there was a towel involved with that but she's not really sure.
Jillian said that the reason she went up to the bedroom to begin with was because one of the girls had asked her to go up there to ''smoke'' with her. She wanted to do that so she went up with her. Jillian thinks that Hef was able to go more than one time that night but she's really not sure. She said that Hef just laid there in bed on his back and that was it. She said that she thinks that some of the girls are more into it than others. Some of the girls were more into the girls than they were with Hef. There was some 69'ing going on in the bed but none of the girls sat on Hef's face.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked how long that session actually went on for. Jillian said it was probably an hour or so. Ralph said he was going to bust on the girls because they were kind of boring until Jillian started taking about that night with Hef. He still thinks that their show is probably horrible. Howard told the girls that they're going to have to come through with some stories on their show to make it interesting.
Robin asked how Hef gets rid of the girls after he's done. Jillian said that when Hef is done, that's pretty much it for the party. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that the girls should listen to this show that's on in the afternoon on Playboy because that's what they should be doing. The girls said that's not what their show is about though. They said that's no what they want to do but Ronnie was trying to tell them that they should be doing a show like that.
Howard wrapped up with the girls and gave them a plug for their show that airs from 10-11am on Channel 198. He asked them if they would ever kiss Hef if he wanted to. The girls said that they do kiss him when they see him. Pilar said that she would even be his girlfriend if she was the only one. Howard went to break a short time later.
Ferrall asked Artie about how much money he won because he was betting on the college basketball games that were on this weekend. He said that he was betting on teams that have cheerleader's that don't wear panties. He said he's actually down a couple of grand after all of the betting he did.
Ferrall said that there are a lot of people out there gambling and they're all losing their lives because of it. Howard asked how long it will be before SIRIUS fires Ferrall. Ferrall said that will not happen and he is the new and improved Scott Ferrall. He said that he has been fired from every other station he's worked for but he won't get fired from this job.
Ferrall said that this is the greatest day in his career. His show is starting tonight on Howard 101 after Bubba's show. He told Howard about some of the stuff that he'll be talking about on his show tonight and he's got a lot of stuff to cover. Howard asked him what the shortest job he ever had was. Ferrall said it was probably 6 or 7 months. He still thinks that he won't lose this job though.
Howard took a call from a guy who was very happy that they hired this guy because he knows so much about sports. Ferrall said that they'll be talking about sports, entertainment and all kinds of other stuff. It's not just sports. Howard got in a plug for Scott and said that his show will be airing from 8pm to Midnight tonight. He said he's very happy to have him there joining the team. They're having a lot of fun already and it will be more fun now that Scott has joined.
Another caller asked if Scott has passed out from not taking a breath. Scott said he did pass out one time when he grabbed a lamp after getting out of a hot tub while he was still wet. He's never passed out from not taking a breath though. Howard told Ferrall that he's a huge fan and he's very excited to have him there. Scott said he has millions of fans around the country and he will convert them and bring them to SIRIUS.
Jon Hein was in to give a preview of the Wrap Up Show. Scott was talking all over everyone so no one could get a word in. Jon said that Scott would be stopping by the show today. That got Scott talking even more and he said he was ready to talk all day today. Ferrall said that the show will have a lot of energy and that was obvious from the energy he had on this show. His rants are indescribable because he's all over the place.
Jon Hein tried again to talk about what they'd be talking about but Scott was interrupting him. He eventually said that they'll be talking about Wilmer Valderrama's visit and about Jillian Grace and Pilar Lastra's interview. Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to welcome Scott Ferrall but Scott was talking all over him as well.
Scott got in a bunch of thanks for everyone who made the whole thing happen with the new show there. Howard wrapped up with him after that and told Scott not to fuck everything up. Howard said that he would be hell to fire, he'd probably just show up to work even after being fired.
Howard said that the first time he heard Scott was when he did a week's worth of shows. He didn't know what the hell they were doing when he listened to the first show. Then he tuned in to the second show and got hooked. He said that now he gets it and he thinks the guy is great.
Howard took a couple of phone calls about Ferrall and people are looking forward to hearing his show. Jeff the Drunk called in to talk to Scott but he had already left by that point. Jeff didn't have anything to say so he said goodbye right before Robin started her news.
The caller brought up Heidi Cortez and her Tissue Time show. Tim Sabean came in and told Howard that she's back on as of last week doing a 5 minute show at midnight. Howard didn't even know it was back on until Tim told him about it.
Howard took a call during the news and the guy was talking about how desperate XM seems to be these days. They're giving away radios now trying to get people to sign up. Howard spent a short time talking about that and then the guy interrupted and asked Artie how many Devil Dogs he's eaten since he got the crate of them from the fan who dropped it off. Howard did a quick count and found that he's only eaten a few boxes since then. He said he was kind of surprised by how few he's actually eaten.
Another caller said that he was trying to get a hold of a SIRIUS radio toward the end of last year and he was never able to find one in the stores. He believes that they could have sold a lot more radios if they just had the stock out there. Howard was saying that they may have been able to break XM sooner if they just had the radios available. It's almost as if SIRIUS is daring people to try and join.
Artie said that he went to buy a new car the other day and Mercedes is offering the first 6 months free for the build in SIRIUS radios. Howard told Artie that buying a car is different though, it's the portable and smaller tuners that people are having trouble getting. Artie suggested that all of those people just go buy new cars with the tuner built in. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about Scott Ferrall's first show that aired last night. He said he called in to the show but barely got a word in. He said he watched The Sopranos last night and then tuned in for that show. He was also saying that he forgot to plug the Riley Martin radio show that aired last night. He only heard 15 minutes of the replay this morning but he was strangely transfixed to Riley's voice.
A listener called in and told Howard that Riley's show was great and that's the kind of stuff he wants to hear on his stations now. Howard said that Riley wants people to believe that he was taken aboard a space ship and he tries to convince people that they can also get on that ship. Howard did an impression of Riley doing his thing and talked about some of the stuff that Riley was doing on the show. He had Robin laughing as he was doing that impression. Howard said that Riley was talking about the aliens looking kind like Elmer Fudd.
Howard said that maybe they can find out when they're going to replay the show so everyone can tune in and listen. He said he would like it if they gave him a nice big card that mentions what they have airing on Howard 101 that night so he can promote it. Robin was kind of upset that she missed the show, she really wanted to hear him. Howard wondered if Riley has another show in him or if he blew his load on that one show. They may have to give him another chance.
Howard continued to do his impression of Riley talking to the fans that call in and dealing with people calling him names. Artie said that Riley reacted violently to one of Sal's prank calls one time so he's not sure how he would handle the brutal calls that might come into his show. Artie also wondered how Riley could be any worse than Scott Shannon, a local DJ.
Gary came in and told Howard that Riley wasn't taking phone calls last night because he must have known that the fans were going to goof on him. The caller Howard had on the line asked to come in for the Daniel Carver roast but it was all packed so Howard had to turn him down.
Another caller asked Howard if he heard the part where Riley Martin was talking about why he was chosen as the one to speak to the aliens. Howard heard that so he was doing his impression again. He continued to goof on him for a short time. Then another phone caller did a little bit of an impression of Riley and told Howard how insane the guy sounded. He said that the show was like a train wreck and he had to listen. Howard said he loves train wreck shows but he doesn't care that much about shows with the Wack Packers in them. He said he got bored with those but not with Riley.
Howard took another call and that guy liked it as well. Howard said he didn't hear the whole thing but the 15 minutes he did hear were pretty good. He said it's almost like a guy telling a ghost story while sitting around a camp fire. Howard isn't sure that Riley has another show in him. He's thinking that people are going to say that it's just too much Riley Martin if they put him on again. Robin said that maybe they could put him on once a month to give an 'Alien Update.'
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Howard for what he's doing. That led to Howard saying that everyone is digging having the show on 24 hours a day now. The fans are thrilled that they can listen at any time they want now. Robin said that she gets to listen to more Bubba with the replays of his show on the weekends too. The caller was also saying that he really enjoyed Riley's show and he'd like to hear it about once a week.
A phone caller asked Howard if he thinks that Daniel Carver would be racist toward aliens if they were for real. Howard said he thinks that he probably would be against them because they wouldn't be white. Fred played a clip of Riley Martin leaving a message for Howard asking about when he was going to get his radio show. His delivery and annunciation are great so Robin was getting a few laughs out of that.
Howard wondered if there was ever a time in Riley's life where he almost made it. Maybe there was a time when he wasn't even into the alien thing. Robin said there was a time when he had a few people who followed him around. Howard remembered that it was only about 3 people though. Another caller told Howard he thought the Riley show was pretty good. He didn't like the sidekick because he didn't have much to say but Howard thought the guy was just trying not to get in the way, that's why he wasn't talking much.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if it would be okay to record himself sitting on hold listening to the show for his film festival entry. Howard told him that was okay with him. The caller also asked if it was okay to wear a Beetlejuice mask in the movie. Howard, as Riley, was answering all of the questions and telling the guy that all of that stuff was okay. Even the callers were doing their Riley impressions when they were calling in.
One guy told Howard that he was listening to the replay of Howard's show and they were playing it in the wrong order. Howard figures that they just played it back in the wrong order accidentally. Gary came in and told Howard that he heard about the problems they had with the replay so Howard told him that they really need to get that in order and fix the problem.
Fred played a prank call that was made using clips of Riley Martin's voice. Howard then took a call from a guy who said that he's one of the guys who doesn't like Ferrall. Howard told the guy that he wasn't into his show at first but after a couple of listens, he got interested in it and now he loves the show.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy was telling Howard how great the show has been. The guy was getting into a few too many details so Howard cut him off and thanked him for the call.
Howard said that 30 percent of his old audience has either joined them or have said that they will be joining them there at SIRIUS. He said that there are still some people out there saying that the fans are just going to stick with terrestrial radio. He said that it was like that with cable TV when it first came out, no one believed that people would pay for TV, but they eventually did. He said he believes the same thing will happen with satellite radio.
Howard said he doesn't believe that any other radio guy could bring over 30 percent of his audience like he may do. He went on to read more about the New York ratings. Artie said that there are some contradicting articles about the ratings. Some people are putting a positive spin on them and some are spinning a negative story. Howard said he so doesn't care what they do over there (at Free FM). He said that he's shut up about his law suit for now but he's working on his ''third stage'' of the attack on CBS. He was saying that CBS makes 2 billion a year and they're suing his little ass. He said they just can't let go and they should quit their belly aching and go figure out what to do with their radio division.
Howard said that CBS got the bargain of the century when he was working for them because he made billions for them and they never offered him a partnership or anything like that. He said they can go f-themselves.
Howard said that if he polled the fans right now, they would think that the guy is gay. Jim kept trying to get off the subject but Howard stuck with it. The guy was laughing at what Howard was saying and Artie thought that he sounded like he was on acid or something. Howard thinks that the guy has sucked a few penises in his life. The caller changed subjects again and brought up the car that Howard bought for Robin. He said that he should have bought her a Bentley but Robin said that she doesn't want one. Howard asked the guy if he's ever had a gay sexual experience with a man. The guy said that he can't answer that but Howard eventually dragged it out of him.
Jim said that he wanted to disguise his voice and then got into the story. He said he was sitting next to a guy at a restaurant one time and the guy put his hand on his leg. He figured he could handle it so he finished his dinner. The guy then invited him to come back and stay at his apartment. He was a little drunk so he went over there. The guy only had one bed so he figured it would be okay to sleep on one side. As soon as they got in bed the other guy jumped on him. Jim was already naked in bed because that's the way he sleeps.
Jim said that the guy went right down on him and gave him oral. He said the other guy wanted him to jack him off while he was doing that to him. He said that reminded him of his brother who would ask him to jerk him off. He never did that but he was asked. Jim said that when he came, he got out of there as soon as he could. The other guy came on his stomach even though he didn't want him to.
Howard seems to think that kind of thing has happened to this guy again and again. Jim claims it hasn't but he was denying that he'd ever had a gay experience at all when he first asked him about it. Howard said that his wish is going to come true and this call is going to be replayed over and over again throughout the day. Howard told Jim he thinks that he's very gay. He asked him when he was last with a woman. Jim said it was about a year ago. Howard thinks the guy is a bit confused about his life. Fred played the Brokeback Mountain theme song but Jim was talking over it. He was trying to tell Howard about a funny segment they did on the show one time but the moment wasn't so funny to the rest of the guys. Artie thought he was putting them on.
Howard let Jim go and told him to call in again sometime. He was thinking about giving him his own radio show after hearing that voice of his. Artie was doing an impression of him and wondered what the fuck is up his ass. He goofed on him about the way he was talking about that funny moment that wasn't all that funny. Howard had to go to break a short time after that.
Howard said that Beth went to the premiere of ''Basic Instinct 2'' last night and he told her that she probably wouldn't make it through the whole thing. She was wearing a dress that looked like it was half missing. He told her that she couldn't go out like that without him. He said it was so short that he thought he could see a little vag.
Beth came home pretty quick and didn't make it through the whole movie. She was telling him that there was a scene where Sharon Stone was getting fingered by a black guy. Back when the first Basic Instinct movie came out, she was complaining that she didn't know that her vag was going to be shown in the movie. Now she's showing it and bragging about it.
Howard had a clip of Sharon on Letterman's show last night and he said he's really not a fan of hers. Howard said he can't even remember the plot of the first movie even though he did like it at the time. He couldn't remember what happened at the end of the movie. Artie said that if it was a great movie, they would remember it. Robin said that the movie is not The Godfather, when you pass it on the dial, you keep moving. She was also telling Howard that Sharon has done some great things for raising money for AIDS research and stuff.
Howard said that David Letterman was saying some words about the IRL driver that was killed in Florida. It was one of his drivers who was killed. Howard thought that he sounded like he didn't really want to be talking about that on the show. Dave said goodbye to Paul Dana who was killed when he collided with another car. Dave said that Dana's family has the thoughts and prayers of the whole Rahal/Letterman team. Robin thought that it sounded pretty heartfelt to her. Howard wasn't sure before he listened but he was going with Robin on that.
Howard said he finally watched this week's episode of The Sopranos, a day late. He liked the show and so did Fred. Fred was kind of upset with last week's episode which was a dream sequence that he hated. The guys spent a few minutes talking about the episode and what was going on. Howard said he loved a couple of scenes in the show and played a little bit of one scene where the guys were having a meeting about a movie they wanted to create. Howard said that it was an A+ episode, just like Fred said it was.
Howard took a call from a new fan who said he's been listening off and on for the past couple of weeks. He said he's really been enjoying the show since he started tuning in. Howard said that's what they're hoping to get more of now that they're on SIRIUS.
Lisa said that they'll also be talking about the upcoming Howard Stern Film Festival because there are actually casting calls going on. There will be some interviews with the upcoming Daniel Carver roast comedians on Howard 100 News as well.
Gary told Howard he had the Page 69 audio for him to play so he went ahead and did that. Will and Jason talked about Artie not being able to buckle his seat belt when Scott DePace was taking him home. Jason was saying that they do make seat belt extender's so he might want to look into that. Jason has gained a few pounds himself though so Howard pointed that out. Will and Jason were also talking about how Richard Christy had some cheesecake that was so good that he got a boner while eating it. Jason told a story about how Penny Crone had tried to set up Ashley the hot intern with her son. Howard cut off the clip and said that the music was a bit too loud for that whole thing. Artie said he wanted it a little louder actually.
Matt told Howard that Kristy was pretty much at the bottom of the barrel as far as movies and other work. She was offered a sequel to ''Roadhouse'' or the chance to do the ''Skating with the Stars'' thing and she went with the skating. She needed to make some money and she had to grasp on to something. Matt said he's really not that bitter about losing Kristy. He said that he was upset at first but now he's over it.
Matt said that he was there at the taping of the skating show and he saw it all go down. They were all hanging out together and he started to pick up the vibe that there was something going on between Kristy and her skating partner. He said that they all went to a comedy show one night and Matt was sitting with her with the other guy, Lloyd, sitting across the table. When Matt went to go smoke a cigarette, Lloyd sat in his seat. Then he saw him putting his hand on her leg and didn't think that he could see what was going on.
Howard said that if he saw that stuff going on, he'd confront the guy right there and walk out on them. Matt said that he couldn't kick the guy's ass or anything like that. Artie said that would have been fine to do right there, the guy was stealing his chick away. Matt said he did have a big blow up about it that night and he did confront Lloyd about it. Matt said that Lloyd was saying that she had pulled a muscle and that's why he was rubbing her leg.
Howard took a couple of calls and one guy thought Matt was lying about this whole thing. Another guy wanted to know why he's blasting Kristy by talking about this on the air. Matt said that he thinks the whole thing is funny to him and he wants to get on the air and talk about it.
Howard asked Matt if he was banging Kristy at the same time Lloyd was. He said he probably was but things actually got worse for him. He said he found a card that Lloyd had sent to Kristy and it was almost a love note. He said that the note said something about him liking it when they skate together and skate was in quotes.
Howard asked if it was true that he found the two of them sleeping together one time. Matt said that they had gone out to a taping of the show and he went home to rest. He went to go into the hotel room where she was staying and it turns out she had Lloyd in the room and the front desk guy gave her a warning call. He could hear her scuffling around in the room and then heard the sliding glass door open. He walked around back and saw him jumping off the balcony.
A phone caller told Howard that this guy is full of it and the only reason he's upset is because he lost his meal ticket. Another guy told Howard that Kristy is 20 pounds overweight and she's dating the only straight skater out there so this guy is a loser and he should hand up on him.
Howard said he'd talk to Matt more but he has Chris Kattan to get to. Matt told Howard he has a lot more to talk about too so he'll call back. Howard let Matt go and asked him to forgive him for cutting him off early.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Chris is gay. He let the guy go off on him a little bit but he didn't have all that much to say. He just said that Chris is a homo and that was about it. Howard asked Chris how long he's been off of Saturday Night Live. He said he's been gone for about 3 years now. It was kind of strange because he was working 6 days a week over there. He eventually got over it and got a life. Chris is doing some movies now. He's in a new movie that's coming out later this week called ''Adam and Steve.''
Howard asked him what he's doing now that he's out in Los Angeles. Chris said that when he has some time off he just lives life to make himself a better entertainer. Chris was getting some shocks from his headset so that distracted him for a short time.
Howard said he only had about 4 minutes with Chris so he quickly went over the movie and talked to him about that a little bit. Chris talked about how great it was working on Saturday Night Live because he could do his Mr. Peepers bit and hump Katie Holmes' head and slap J-Lo's ass. That's the kind of great stuff he got to do over there. Howard gave him some plugs for his new movie ''Adam and Steve'' and asked him if he wanted to do other characters from SNL, would Lorne Michaels get involved in that. Chris said that he would because they own all of those characters.
Chris was telling Howard that when SNL became too much of a job, that's when he had to get going. Howard read that Chris is dating someone by the name of Sunshine Tutt. Chris said that's her real name too. They spent a short time talking about that and about the other people that he's dated. He's also dated model Jennifer Jimenez and someone by the name of Jane Herman. There were some notes about Chris going out to Nobu and throwing food at other people.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Chris about all of the guys who had problems with him when he was on SNL. Norm Macdonald and Jim Breuer's names both came up. Chris said he used to break Norm's balls and Norm really didn't like that. He said he doesn't think that Norm hated him, he just didn't like to have his balls broken.
Howard asked if it was true that Chris dated ''Stiffler's mom'' Jennifer Coolidge. Chris said he did date her about 15 years ago and she was very hot back then. He said she was hotter back then but she's still sexy. Ralph called in and asked Chris if he's skull fucked Sunshine until she puked. Chris said that's funny because he just did that this morning.
Chris got shocked again by the headset so he yelled out for about the third time. Howard tried to calm him down and asked him if he's ever had a woman tongue his ass. Chris said that has happened once but it's not that common. Gary came in and told Howard he had to get Chris out of there, he has to go to the WB to do an interview. Howard said that the WB isn't going to ask him about getting his salad tossed.
Howard gave Chris another plug for his movie. Chris had been making fun of one of the callers who asked to hear an audio clip and asked to hear someone getting shit on. Howard actually had a clip like that so he played it for him before they had to go to break.
Gary came in and told Howard that Sal has been watching Howard too closely these days. He was watching the TV screen in his office and Sal said that Howard needs to shave his chest hair, he's noticed over the past few days that it's too much. Howard thinks that if he asked Sal to suck him off, he would do it. He believes that the guy is so into him that he would do anything he asked him to.
Sal came in and said that Howard is more than just a man, he's an entity that has an impact on millions of people each day. There are probably a lot of people out there who would suck him off but he wouldn't do it himself. Sal was telling Howard that it's not a gay issue, it's in the form of an entity. Howard asked Sal if he bent over and told him to stick his tongue up his ass, he would probably do it. Sal thinks that Howard is a separate life form and he's almost beyond god-like. He said that Howard would be beyond God-like because what he does is elicit a positive feeling for the people who listen.
Gary told Sal that not everyone who listens gets that positive feeling. Sal said that most do though and he looks at Howard like a beautiful car and when he notices something like the chest hair, he points it out. Artie told Sal to tell everyone he's just joking around because it was so creepy. Sal said he was kidding but he was kidding about kidding.
Robin said that she's going to have a party at her home and she doesn't believe that she can invite him there now that Sal has done all of these strange things. Howard doesn't feel comfortable with him either and he wouldn't invite him to his place either. He asked Sal to stop having these gay thoughts about him. He sent him away and said that he would never tell someone not to have someone over to her house but with Sal, he has to do that.
Artie thinks that Sal is certifiable after hearing that explanation. Howard was a little freaked out by the whole thing. Artie said it's funny that Sal is more hen pecked than Gary and gayer for Howard than even Ralph is.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked if Howard really feels uncomfortable with Sal. Howard said that he will stop and talk to Sal and Richard off the air sometimes and they're both really good guys. But then when there's a social situation, Sal works the whole time, really hard, to do things with him. He said that there was one moment at his birthday party earlier this year where Sal slid over on his knees to pretend to give him oral. He said he knows he would hate it if he went to Robin's party and Sal was there. He's pretty sure he'd be miserable.
Howard said that Sal has some kind of illness and it's really bothering him. He said he wants Sal to go on Meet the Shrink and if Sal doesn't want to do it, he's going to make it a mandatory thing.
Howard said that he likes to hear a good argument like this. He played some more of the interview where Hannity was calling Alec a third rate actor and Alec was calling him a no-talent hack. Alec ended up leaving the studio after Mark Levin asked him why his wife is so mad at him. That comment got to him and he walked right out. Brian Whitman said that's not what they want there on the show and he seemed to be a bit lost after that. Artie thought it was kind of funny at one point when Alec was eating and going off on Hannity.
Howard got back to the Mancow thing and said that he's got a syndication deal but he's only getting ratings in markets that are easily conquerable. He said that he wouldn't care if Mancow took over for him but the guy doesn't get any ratings. He said he was on the FOX and Friends show and he was bombing until he started to go off on Howard Stern.
Howard played a clip of Mancow telling a lame joke about why Buck Owens had passed away. He had a few other lame jokes that weren't flying so then he was talking about Sean Hannity having Howard on his show and how that was a misstep on his part. Mancow also said that Howard Stern is ''dying on satellite'' which isn't exactly the case. Artie said that this guy Mancow is really annoying and sounds almost like Elegant Elliot Offen. He said he hadn't hear this guy's show until now although he was supposed to do the show one time to promote a gig he was doing years ago. The promoter told him that they have their ''own Howard Stern'' therein Chicago and it turned out to be Mancow. Artie said that there was no way he was going to wake up early in the morning to do a show with a guy who calls himself Mancow.
Howard went on to talk about these guys who have tried to become him over the years and how they can't get an article written about them without using his name.
Howard brought up a survey that was done about radio ratings and how 70 percent of Howard's listeners are planning to stay with terrestrial radio. Howard said the other side of the coin is that 30 percent of them are coming over with him and that's pretty amazing if you think about it. No one else out there can bring 30 percent of their audience with them like he has. They don't think that anyone else is going to come over to SIRIUS and all of Howard's fans that are going to SIRIUS have already moved.
Howard said that this 30 percent is just the beginning, there will be more. Howard wants this guy Jacobs, who did the survey, should retire and call himself a hack when he's proven wrong. He said that satellite is real radio where they can talk about things like salad tossing without being censored.
Howard said that he had a clip from Scott Ferrall's show where he started off his show singing along to a Rolling Stones song. He played that and got a few laughs from Robin. Howard said he could picture Scott singing because his face gets all red and he gets out of breath when he's talking so much.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if there was anything that Sal could do for the show that would make Howard change his mind about letting him in his apartment. Howard said there is nothing he could do and he would never let Sal come to his apartment.
Howard said that he's been reading about the ratings that David Lee Roth and they're still including his show in the 3 month ratings. He said he'd like to hear more about the other guys who are on his old station and about the other guys who have replaced him around the country.
Howard gave Robin a little taste of Riley Martin's radio show from last night. He wanted to move on to the next guests but gave Robin a little bit of what they cold listen to later on. That led to Howard doing his impression of Riley again. He was doing some of the lines he remembers from last night's show. He wanted to hear the clip where Riley talked about the aliens looking like Elmer Fudd. Robin and Artie wanted to hear all of that stuff but Howard had to get to the girls who were going to be riding the crazy sex machines. He went to break so they could prepare for that.
Tomcat is a webmaster who doesn't use any of the machines herself. She just runs the web site. She has 3 porn stars in to test them out for Howard. The machines are made by the FuckingMachines.com machine shop. She said they don't actually sell any of the machines that they make though. They just use them for their porn site.
The first porn star to be interviewed was Harmony. She said that the machines all work very well and ''hit the spot'' every time. She told Howard that she hasn't been in any particular movies that he would know. Tomcat said that Harmony does have a unique thing that she can do, she can take two cocks at the same time. Harmony said it might be tough for the guys. She said that she just sits there while the guys are doing their thing. She was also saying that she started getting into sex at 14 and she's always been very promiscuous. Howard liked the flat belly she had but Gary pointed out the ''happy trail'' she had on her belly.
Howard asked Harmony a few questions about her life and then moved on to Dana DeArmond. She said that she's kind of a nerd and she doesn't have that many men approach her. Howard spent a short time talking to her about the bondage that she likes to do. She showed Howard her breasts and Howard thought they looked pretty nice. She claims that they're real. Harmony also claims that hers are real. Annie Cruz also said that her's are real so Howard asked to see them. She's 21 years old and Howard said that's what 21 year old boobs are supposed to look like.
Annie told Howard that she's had 9 guys at one time. She said she met a bunch of guys while she was out one time and said that she could take them all on so that's what she did. She wasn't even doing it for a movie or anything. She also once had sex outside of a convent in a hammock. She said she was in college at the time.
The girls were all saying that they think like guys and want to fuck anyone. Annie said that she will do just about anyone if they ask. One of the girls said that she's more attracted to chicks though. Annie said that she's already done Harmony in a scene for the web site. She was talking about getting fisted in the ass. She said that she could probably fit a soda can up there if she wanted. She said that she can fit just about anything up there.
Harmony said that she just started doing anal so she's not ready to go that far yet. She said that she's been fisted in the pussy but not the in the rear. The girls said that they can orgasm from that stuff. Howard jokingly said that the biggest thing he's had up his ass is a nail polish bottle. Annie said that there was one girl who got her ass so screwed up she had to have surgery.
One of the girls said that she was 5 years old when she got a hold of some porn on her TV. She said that she eventually discovered masturbation from that. Dana was telling Howard about her first woman that she had when she was about 20. Her first kiss with a woman was at about 18 though. She said she'll also take the fist like the other girls as well.
Howard moved on to the machines. The first one they were going to use was the Lick-A-Chick which is a bunch of tongues on a machine so that it tongues the girls while it's running. The girls all got naked and Tomcat gave Howard a description of the machine. The licking machine was a Milwaukee Magnum chain saw that had been modified. It has it's own lube that drips on the tongues as it's running. Annie was first up and she had the licking machine get her off within about 30 seconds. She squirted when she got off and Gary got some of her juice on him. He got it in his eye and he was ready to go to the hospital.
Gary sounded like he was kind of pissed because he didn't have a warning that she was going to squirt. Howard was amazed that the machine was so violent. Annie said that she once squirted 50 times in a row and it's pretty insane. Gary said that he was really pissed off because no one gave him a heads up that it was going to happen. Annie said that she once squirted 10 feet.
Artie asked to run the machine because he used to run one years ago. Annie was going to stay and take it again so Artie covered up and ran the machine on her. Annie lasted a little longer this time but she got off within about a minute. This time Mike Gange got hit with her squirt. She said that was even better the second time than it was the first. Robin said that she sprayed everywhere. Artie said he got it on his hands.
Howard wanted to bring out another machine so they brought out the Trespasser which is a modified blender. It was modified so it can be used to move a dildo back and forth. Tomcat described the machine to everyone and then Harmony hopped on a chair to demonstrate. It had a giant, 8 inch dildo mounted on it. Harmony got in the doggy position and prepared to take it. Dana was going to ''drive'' the machine. The machine moves back and forth about 4 inches according to Tomcat.
Harmony was asking for it to go faster and faster and moaning as the blender sound was going on in the background. They turned the machine on high speed and it actually locked up. They had to do some repairs on it so Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was incredible. The Tech was working on the machine so Howard spoke to the girls for a short time. He was saying that he wouldn't be able to handle Harmony in bed because this stuff was way too intense.
Dana asked to use the Fucksall to get off. Howard asked if that was safe because it looked pretty intense. Dana said she's used it before and she really likes it. Gary asked her if she's going to squirt. She said she doesn't squirt so he didn't have to worry about that. Annie was going to work the machine. They did a little setup on that one and then Tomcat got in there and actually worked the machine. She went faster and faster with Dana and she was asking for it to go even faster. She sounded like a goat because of the way she was vibrating and moaning. She didn't get off quite as fast as Annie did earlier. She lasted a couple of minutes before she finished.
Howard said that Dana was shaking and could barely move. She sounded like a Billy goat to Howard and the girls said that's why they call her ''The Goat.'' Benjy asked Annie if they could take her out on the street and find a guy for her to bang. He said he doesn't believe her but Annie said that she was ready to go. The rest of the guys were amazed by what they had just seen. Robin said she was afraid that she was going to get hurt because of how intense that machine was.
Gary said that the whole thing makes him feel very inadequate because there's no way he can come close to making a girl feel that way. The girls said that it actually makes it easier for a girl to orgasm because they know more about their bodies after using those things.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they were serious because he will never be able to look at power mixers or power saws the same way again. Howard said that all of the girls were very beautiful and it was amazing what they just did. Tomcat said that they have about 30 machines that they use on the web site.
Gary was still thinking about the way he had been sprayed so a phone caller said he wouldn't have a problem if he was wearing his bee keeper's mask. Howard said that's true and he should have had it on. Bob Levy called in and said that he was sitting in the back of his car as his dick was driving in the front seat. Ralph also called in and asked what's wrong with these girls. Howard said there's nothing wrong with them, they're just not uptight. Ralph said this was beyond sex though.
Another phone caller asked how he can get a date with one of these girls. Gary said it's apparently as easy as just asking. A few other callers talked about how amazing this sounded to them. Howard asked if any of the girls wanted to try out anymore machines. Annie wanted to test out the Magic Wand so Howard had her do that as he was getting ready to go to break. Annie got on the thing and got herself off pretty quick again. She only squirted a little bit so she put it back down there and got off a second time within just a few seconds.
Annie got in a plug for her web site AnnieCruz.com and Dana got one in for her site DanaDeArmond.com. Howard went to break right after that.
Artie said that he realized that he had gotten splattered on his hands from the chick who squirted. The first squirt ended up hitting about 5 people. Howard said that he was in the bathroom taking a leak after all of that and thinking about his miserable, shriveled up penis. He said he wouldn't be able to pleasure anyone after seeing what those girls were taking.
A caller told Howard that he masturbated 3 times during that segment and went through an entire box of tissues. Robin said that she saw Artie light up for a short time but then his face changed after he saw what was going on. Another caller told Howard he doesn't know how anyone can listen to ''ballsack radio'' anymore because they can't do anything like that on the air. Howard said that what those girls were doing is the kind of crazy stuff that only guys do. It was crazy.
Howard said that if they did that interview at K-Rock, it would have gone something like this ''So you guys have a web site and some machines, thanks for coming in.'' Artie said they probably would have hit the delay on the word ''machines'' because it would make people think they were talking about something sexual.
Howard thought that the girls all looked pretty good and Artie said that there was no one under a 7 in that group. Benjy said he really liked Dana but they all became hotter and hotter as the interview went on. Howard said that even Robin was watching all of that going on in disbelief. He asked her if she wishes that she could be that free with her body. Robin said that she likes the preciousness of sharing that stuff with just a few people. She would never want to do that. She knows that there are women out there who will sleep with anyone and that's just a nightmare as far as she's concerned. She said there's no love in those relationships that they have.
A construction worker called in and said that he's never going to look at power tools the same way. Howard said that some of that stuff was scary to him. Another caller told Howard that he actually forgot what he wanted to talk to him about after that sex segment. Howard took a few more calls and let the guys talk about what they thought about what had just gone on.
Howard pointed out his shriveled up penis again and said that he's about a half inch today. He used to say that he'd like to f the shit out of a chick but now he's going to say that he's barely going to f them. Another caller changed the subject and said that Wilmer Valderrama is on Tony Danza's show this morning just boring the crap out of everyone because he's not talking about anything like they did on yesterday's show.
George said that they will be talking about the sex machine segment during today's news. Penny Crone will be doing a report about hygiene for when you use those machines. Robin was saying she didn't want to touch those girls when she met them. She was kind of freaked out by the whole thing. Artie pointed out that Benjy eats while all of that is going on.
George said that they'll be talking about the weight gains and losses that the crew have had lately. Artie's trouble with his seat belt the other day. George said they'll also be talking about the upcoming Daniel Carver Roast and the Howard Stern Film Festival.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about the sex machine segment during the Wrap Up Show. They will be talking to the guys who were involved in the squirting. Scott the Engineer was telling them that it was the biggest clean up they've ever had to do. Riley Martin and Chris Kattan will also be the subjects that they'll be discussing.
Howard took some more phone calls and then had Robin start her news. He was still stunned by what had gone on earlier so he couldn't get over it. He took more calls about what went on and asked Gary if he was okay. Gary said that he was a little shell shocked by the whole thing. He said the face thing was okay but it got in his eye too. He said that he'd probably be the first one to get AIDS through his eye if that girl wasn't clean. Artie said he could have been hit if he didn't have a towel on his head when that girl squirted.
Ralph called in again and said that this was one wild show and that one segment should be put on a loop for the whole day. Howard said he thinks that this may force them to have a human sacrifice because that's about as far as they could possibly go.
A guy called in and told Howard that he called his friends in England and played the show for them over the phone so they could hear what was going on. The guy said it was crazy and he loves it. He would love it if they could get the show over in England.
Howard said he told those girls not to fake what they were feeling and they sure didn't. Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Howard if he has been treated better there at SIRIUS than he was ever treated at K-Rock. Howard said the best thing about this job is that they don't bother him there at SIRIUS. Mike also asked Howard what movie he thinks will make more money, ''Beer League'' or ''Basic Instinct 2.'' Howard said that Beer League will probably make more. Robin said that was a good question actually. That led to Howard playing a clip of Sharon on Letterman's show acting wacky. Robin finally got to her news after that.
Howard talked about how the girls that were on today really opened his eyes as far as sexuality goes. He said that sometimes you want some girls who are willing to just have sex with you and that's what they had today. A little later in the show a woman asked Howard what the guys feel like doing after all of the sexual stuff. Howard said that he feels fine about it except for the part where Gary got hit in the eye with the one girl's squirt. None of the guys were feeling all that sexual, they were kind of freaked out by the whole thing. Howard was kind of confused by the whole thing. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how he had ribs to give away on the show. He said it's the first time he's ever had ribs to give away. He then moved on to talk about getting back into working out and how he managed to screw up his voice doing that. Artie has been working out as well and it's just making him hungry. Howard said that he was feeling good for the past few days. He started to work out gradually and now he's feeling like crap.
Howard said that he was looking right at Evil Dave this morning and it wasn't working out for him. He wanted to hide him from his view. Dave had a couple of jokes for him about Bubba the Love Sponge Show. Robin said that she's been informed that she has to leave her studio so Daniel Carver can sit in there during the roast. Howard said that's for safety reasons and she'll be displaced for about an hour or so. Gary said they don't have an alternative right now so if she has a better suggestion, then she should let them know.
Robin said that she's not thrilled about having Daniel in her office because she has her purse in there. She was pissed at Gary because he didn't tell her until yesterday after the show. Gary said they gave her 24 hours to move her purse. Evil Dave interrupted and said that he heard that Robin was called a cuntface recently, and that's what he calls his own mother.
Robin was very irritated at Gary and kept telling him to shut up. Gary was asking her what else they're supposed to do. She said that today is not the day to ask her what to do, it's too late. Dave interrupted again so Howard told him that maybe he should go into Robin's booth so he doesn't have to look at him. Dave asked Howard to move his nose, he can't see Robin. He was on a roll this morning.
Dave was doing pretty good until he used the name Alexis Smith instead of Alexis Stewart so Howard told him to take a breather. A listener called in and gave Robin a couple of ''Wahs!'' for Robin since she was complaining about the move.
Howard was saying that this roast today will be the final one in his studio. They're going to move the roasts to other places and they may be recording them out in the lobby or in the ''fish bowl'' studio next to the lobby.
Another caller was saying that he's getting the feeling that Robin is acting like she's being moved to the back of the bus or something. Gary chimed in and said that the bus is Howard's bus so Robin should do whatever she's asked to do without complaining. Robin was acting like a baby and making sounds telling Gary that's what he sounds like in her ear. Gary told her that's what she sounds like to the audience.
Howard took another call and that guy asked Robin what her solution was. She said that she could have had more warning about what was going to happen. Gary said he apologized to her yesterday and she's left her studio many times in the past. She was complaining about the audience she was going to have to climb over to get out there. Gary said that they're all in the same situation.
While Gary was talking to Robin, Sal the Stockbroker was in his office in a monkey outfit with a ''Moron'' sign over him. Gary ended up throwing a bunch of stuff at Sal and chased him out of the office. Gary came into the studio and told Howard that it's getting to be a bit much with Sal and Robin this morning. He wasn't looking for a fight today.
Howard wondered if that fluid can transmit HIV and things like that. Benjy believes it could from what he's read. Howard and the guys were trying to figure out if something like that could be transmitted that way or not. Howard doesn't believe it can and Artie said that you only get AIDS by fucking a guy up the ass. Gary said he was talking to Bubba the Love Sponge last night and they figured if it was pee, it would have burned his eye.
Gary's wife heard about the whole thing second hand. She figured that he had been peed on so that's what Gary told her it must have been. Evil Dave was trying to tell another joke but he was having trouble reading his written jokes.
The caller Howard had on the line was telling him that he thinks the replay of the show is the greatest part of SIRIUS. Howard agrees and said he's been listening to some of the shows and they're very funny. Artie said he hasn't listened to the show since they got there. He said he's getting SIRIUS in his new car though.
Another caller went off on Robin giving her a couple of ''Wahs'' and telling her to go home if she doesn't want to be in the studio. Howard took another call and asked if they would give the girls from yesterday's show their own show where they could just get off for a half hour. He said he'd think about that. Howard went through a couple more calls and found a guy who claimed to be a doctor. He said that he believes that the female ejaculate is a reality and it's just the vaginal secretions that are gathered up and shot out when women orgasm. Howard and Robin didn't think that the guy was a real doctor and they were right. Robin questioned him about what something was called and he had no idea what she was talking about.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has seen a woman who squirts and the fluid that comes out is kind of like cum but without the proteins in it. Howard said that he's not sure about that, the only thing he's sure about is shit. You know what you've got when you shit. Another guy congratulated Gary for ''taking one for the team'' yesterday. He also went off on Robin for acting the way she was this morning.
Gary told Artie that he had better not give her any lip tomorrow. Artie was giving Gary a hard time so Gary said he would kick Artie's ass if he does give her a hard time. Artie told him to bring it on. Howard asked Gary if this woman gives him sex and Gary claims that she does. He said he knows what sex is and he does it with this woman. He claims that she doesn't ask for anything in return either.
Howard heard that Gary applied for a job at a sex booth where he'd have to clean up the jizz. Gary said he didn't get the job but he did apply for it. Howard asked him why he would do that. Artie thought it was funny that he's not qualified to clean up jizz. Gary claims that he is qualified, he just didn't get the job.
Gary said that he gets paid $7.05 an hour to work at a burger place right now. He told Howard that the booth place wasn't hiring at the time he applied for the job. Artie told him that he may be shooting too high with that job, he may want to aim a little lower.
Gary was saying that Miss Howard Stern called him the other day and said that she wanted to go on a date with him. Artie goofed on him about that and said the call must have been pretty funny. Howard told Gary that he's looking forward to meeting his girlfriend on tomorrow's show and he will try to protect him.
Howard read a note from Will who said that Gary has not had intercourse. Will came in and told Howard that Gary told him that he hadn't had sex yet as of yesterday. Gary said that he just had it the other day. Howard said he'll speak to both of them tomorrow and find out what's going on. He wants to make sure this chick isn't taking advantage of Gary.
Howard was going to let Gary go but Artie was still goofing on him. He had Gary all pissed off and yelling so Howard had to let Gary go.
Howard was talking about the upcoming Daniel Carver roast and Fred already had some of the Robin sounds that she was making for Gary earlier in the morning. They were really annoying and Howard told her she should be careful about making sounds like that because they'll be around the rest of her life.
A woman called in and told Howard that she's a squirter and it's definitely not pee. She said that it's a great thing to her and when a guy experiences it, it's a wonderful thing. Howard said that Gary was hit in the face from about 5 feet away too. Howard wanted to know if this woman could get herself off on the phone so they could listen in as she did it. She didn't think she could do it on the air. Howard asked her what she was wearing and tried to get her into it but she wasn't interested. She said she'd do anything for him but she can't do that.
Howard kept asking her to do it and told her she'd probably regret it tomorrow. He let her go a short time later since she wasn't doing it.
Howard read some e-mail about yesterday's show. A lot of people loved the girls who were using the f'ing machines. They made the Sybian seem kind of tame. Howard said he's worried about that himself. He read through a bunch of the other e-mail about that segment. Fred suggested that they get those girls back to try the Sybian out because they would probably use it the right way.
One person wrote in and said that the women's squirts are just pee and that's that. Some people thought that the show went a little over the top with that segment yesterday and they want them to do some normal stuff on the show like Win Fred's Money or Stump the Booey.
Howard said they got a ton of mail about the Riley Martin show that they played some of during the show. They also had a lot of feedback about Scott Ferrall joining Howard 101. He read through some mail about that and said that people are split on him. Fred said the split is about 50/50 right now but he thinks that will change and people will start to like him. That happens with just about everyone that joins them. The only person that people hate consistently is Ralph.
Howard said that there was feedback about everything but he didn't have time to go through it all. He quickly read a few more and then mentioned they had that roast coming up this morning. One person wrote in and said that Sal is Howard's ''Mrs. David Letterman.'' They think that he's a nightmare. Howard said that Beth thinks that Sal is just a sweet guy who loves him. Robin thinks that Beth doesn't understand just how crazy he is. Howard had to take a break before he moved on to other things.
Gary came in and told Howard that he just learned that he's not the first one on the show who has gone through something like the ejaculate thing. He heard that Adam, who used to work for E!, was shooting a scene with Jeff the Drunk and a porn star and she apparently did the same thing to Adam. Gary said that the story never came out until now because they were afraid to tell him. He said that Karina the porn star was pleasuring herself so Adam was down shooting the shot up close and she let loose on him. Howard said that's what they should be putting on Howard TV On Demand, they should have tape available. Adam was apparently freaked out by it and was calling doctors to find out if he could catch anything.
Lisa said that there is some controversy over the SIRIUS softball team. The Stern Show has started their own team there so some of the people there want to join Howard's team. Howard said that's not right, he doesn't want everyone to be split up like that. He thinks that's ridiculous.
Howard said that he has an audio clip from Larry King's show where a guy mentioned that he subscribed to SIRIUS originally because of Howard Stern. He was talking to a group of country singers and Larry kept bleeping out the caller for no good reason. He played the edited version and the replay version where Larry wasn't hitting the button on the guy. It was obvious the guy wasn't making a prank call.
Howard had a clip from a show where Lisa Rinna was getting a reading from this Shar woman who claims to be able to contact the dead. Howard said that it's such a scam and it's so obvious that psychics like Shar just fish around until they find something that makes it seem like they know something about the person's past. He said it drives him nuts and makes him berserk.
In the clip Shar is trying to spell out the name of Lisa's daughter and Lisa was so out of it she didn't realize that she was spelling out her daughter's name. Howard said that Shar could have looked this information up before doing the interview. Howard said that Shar told Lisa absolutely nothing. She said that Lisa has a daughter and she's going to school. That was it. The interview was done on Regis Phibin's show and even Regis wasn't impressed with the demonstration.
Benjy was trying to look up the information that Shar could have pulled from the web. He was also telling Howard that he used to be a phone psychic and knew all of the tricks about how to make it seem like he was a real one. Benjy said they used to charge $4 a minute and they used to have to do a telemarketing thing in the middle of it.
Howard said that he had to go meet with his lawyers about his lawsuit yesterday. They had a strategy meeting and things are looking up for him right now. He's got some very good attorneys who are working hard on turning things around for him.
That led to Howard reading a story about CBS' radio ratings. He was using it as a report card for Leslie Moonves. He saw that WFNY (formerly WXRK) is fourth from the bottom of the ratings. Another one of their stations is right down there with WFNY. Their JackFM station is down there too. CBS radio's 3 biggest stations, WNEW, CBS-FM and WFNY are in the bottom 5 of the ratings in New York. They've managed to ruin all three of them.
Howard said that KLSX is down near the bottom of the barrel as well. In Chicago his old station wasn't even on the list, they were gone. The station was so low that it wasn't even listed as a radio station anymore. He jokingly said it was listed in the plant category.
Howard read a note about David Lee Roth not being on the air today. He figured it's because CBS is letting him go and will be blaming him for not getting any ratings. He didn't have all of the details about that though.
Howard said that he wanted to get to the roast so he would save the rest of the stuff he had until later. He did read one story about FOX running a NASCAR race and a guy came on and said the word ''shit'' so people have already started to go nuts over that. FOX is claiming that it was an equipment malfunction that allowed the word to get out on the air. A guy complained that he was watching the race with his 4 year old son and he can't watch that stuff with his 4 year old. Howard said that if the guy doesn't want to hear people speak like that, he shouldn't watch live events. Race car drivers curse all the time and people can't expect them to stop that just so they can watch a race with their 4 year old. He went to break a short time later.
Howard spoke to Bob for a few seconds and then brought in racist Daniel Carver. Daniel was wearing his KKK outfit when he came in. They kept him in Robin's booth to keep him safe. Daniel said he felt like Robin sitting behind the glass in the booth. Howard warned him that the roast was going to be pretty brutal because they had black comedians, gay comedians, Jewish comedians and others who were ready to roast him.
Angry Black was there already going off on Daniel. He asked Howard why he has Lisa Lampanelli and Judy Gold there because there are no funny female comedians out there. Lisa said that he's actually right about that and most female comedians aren't funny. Howard had the guys take the microphone away from Angry Black, he wanted to keep things moving.
Comedian Earthquake was also there and he was defending Lisa Lampanelli. Howard asked Daniel what he thinks about Lisa having sex with black guys exclusively. Daniel said that it's probably the best she can do and she'll have to answer for her sins later. Howard said that this should be a pretty wild roast. Daniel said that he'll be laughing because he does laugh at funny stuff no matter where it's coming from.
Howard turned things over to Rev. Bob Levy who got things rolling right away. He was joking about how even the black people got there on time today. Bob started roasting Daniel after that and had plenty of jokes about his racism and the way he was dressed, in his KKK outfit. He had a bunch of good ones but some of the jokes weren't going over too well. Bob said it was tough to come up with jokes for someone like Daniel. Daniel thought it was pretty brutal but it was kind of funny.
Bob brought up another Jewish comedian, Shuli, who started off his roast by goofing on Bob a little bit. He joked about Lisa Lampanelli a little bit next. He joked about her looking like the Michelin Man or a Drug mule without the drugs. He also thanked all of the black guys who bang her since he wouldn't even fuck her with Judy Gold's cock. Lisa didn't mind the jokes, she was fine with everything he was saying even though there were some groans from the crowd.
Shuli went off on Yucko the Clown who was there. He then moved on to some of the black comedians who were there. He said a few words about Earthquake the comedian who had his posse there. Then he moved on to Gilbert Gottfried and then Daniel Carver. Shuli said he felt like he was roasting the Pope sitting in his Pope-mobile. He was pretty brutal with his jokes about Daniel. He signed off with a ''Shalom cocksucker.''
Bob introduced the next comedian, Quentin Heggs. Quentin said it was tough writing jokes about someone you don't give a crap about. He joked about the tiny dick Daniel must have. He was also joking about how he's a roofer but he refuses to use ''black tar.'' There were some incest jokes in there as well. Daniel said that he doesn't hate no one, he just thinks that nig***s are dumb animals. He said he's been to a bunch of comedy shows and this is just like going to a comedy show.
Next up was Sal the Stockbroker. Bob introduced him and said he doesn't know who's going to last longer, Sal working there or a box of Devil Dogs in front of Artie. He also said that Sal is going to be getting a new title soon and that will be ''listener.'' Sal goofed on Bob for sucking today. He also went off on Artie about his weight and eating. Sal said that Dana has to stick a Devil Dog in her pussy just to get eaten out. Sal roasted Howard a little bit. He said that there's a new game called Win Howard's Money and right now it's a race between Beth O and Les Moonves. He moved on to Lisa Lampanelli and said that she'd make a great model... only if this was a boat show. Sal spent a minute joking about Lisa and then moved on to Daniel Carver. He told Daniel he wanted to shake Daniel's hand, not roast him. He said he even brought in his kid's sheets to have him autograph them. He told Daniel he's a genius because all he needed to get famous was an answering machine. He told Daniel to keep up the good fight and signed off.
Howard said that was a shock and Daniel said that Sal was even more racist than he is. Bob introduced the next roaster, Artie Lange, whose shadow weighs 200 pounds. Artie got up and roasted Bob a little bit. He goofed on Bob about his inability to say Shrimp and a few other things. He then went off on Sal the Stockbroker about the way he treats his boss Howard Stern. He ripped into him a bit before moving on to Fred. Artie said that Fred doesn't talk much on the air but if you get caught off the air, good luck getting out of a conversation. Benjy and Robin took some abuse from Artie as well. Artie had a couple of jokes for Howard too. He joked about Howard's surgery and how he has to take a double take every morning because he thinks that Brad Pitt got his own radio show. He moved on to Lisa Lampanelli next. He ripped into her a little bit and said that he gets mistaken for Lisa all the time. Artie even ripped into Ronnie the Limo Driver about his height.
Artie finally moved on to Daniel Carver and told him he looks retarded in that outfit of his. He was calling him retarded and names like fuckhead and things like that. Artie said that he had to correct Daniel on one thing, he said that all Jews are the devil but there's really only one, Les Moonves. Artie asked Daniel if the KKK members ever wonder if they look retarded wearing those outfits. He said that all of the KKK members must be retarded and it must be tough to fit that cross in the short yellow bus. Artie told Daniel that it's 2006 and he and his people should lighten the fuck up.
Bob came back with some jokes about Artie being fat before bringing up the next person, Judy Gold. He spent a short time roasting her before letting her get on mic. Judy, who is a Jewish lesbian, started arguing with Daniel right away. She said she was very proud to be a part of this roast and told Earthquake that there is no ''F'' in ''Earth.'' Judy goofed on comedian Modi a little bit. Angry Black interrupted and said that Teri Shiavo is funnier than Judy. He was going off on her so Howard asked how he got in on this. Judy moved on to Daniel and roasted him for a couple of minutes. She got in a few good lines even though Angry Black was yelling at her to go home. She told Daniel she hopes that he rots in hell.
Howard said he had to take a break after Judy was done. Daniel was fine with what was going on so far. He said it was actually fun for him. Robin asked if they could cut off the oxygen to the booth and smother him. Daniel said he was happy in that booth because he didn't have to smell the nig***s out there in the studio.
Bob Levy got back up and brought up Yucko the Clown. Yucko came up dressed in black face. He roasted Bob a little bit and then moved on to Judy Gold, Lisa Lampanelli and then moved on to Daniel Carver. He said that Daniel is so dumb that he thought that the roast was going to be them throwing Howard and Gilbert into the oven. Yucko had a bunch of funny lines about Daniel and some of the other guys in the room. He even goofed on himself and then got in a plug for an upcoming comedy gig he had.
Daniel liked Yucko and said that he was a ''real comedian.'' Howard noticed that Daniel is actually missing some teeth, he thought they were all just jokes. Daniel said he can't afford to get them fixed. Bob Levy introduced the next guy, Romont Harris, who was actually pulled over on his way there. Romont said that cops can eat his dick and he said a few F-yous to Daniel and the other white people. He said that Robin is the house nig*** of the room. He talked about Lisa Lampanelli a little bit and tried to read some of his jokes. He was a little bit nervous with the clansman guy sitting next to him. Romont said that his friends told him that he should try to punch that guy in the face. He got back to his jokes and had some trouble reading them. Some of the comedians were making fun of his jokes and his ability to tell them. Yucko let out one of his slow horn honks for him just like he did with Modi. That got everyone laughing again.
Angry Black was saying that those jokes were the worst and they should drop those on Baghdad. He and Romont ended up arguing about whether or not the jokes were funny. Howard had Bob introduce the next comedian, Corey Holcomb. Corey got up and said that he's not bothered by Daniel's comments because he'll only say them in the safety of that studio. He won't follow him out of the studio and say that stuff. He had a few jokes about Modi and Judy Gold. Corey had some ''Yo mama'' jokes for the guys. He went off on Daniel a little bit. He also asked him why he hates black people. Daniel told him he doesn't hate, he just thinks that they're dumb animals. Corey said that Daniel said hello to him in the elevator so he knows that he's only racist when he's in the studio.
Bob introduced Gilbert Gottfried next. Daniel said he knows Gilbert and he knows the guy likes him. Gilbert stole some jokes from the other comedians and goofed on the other comedians for their lame jokes. He then went into a comedy routine and did some racist jokes. Daniel was enjoying the jokes but there weren't a lot of laughs coming from the audience. There were a few jokes that got some laughs though. He got in a plug for his DVD toward the end of the routine. Daniel said he likes to hear a good racist joke so he was enjoying that.
Bob introduced the next comedian Lisa Lampanelli whose name he couldn't pronounce. Lisa got up and roasted Bob a little bit. She quickly moved on to Daniel and roasted him. She was also roasting Modi and some of the other comedians. She went off on Gilbert a little bit. Sal the Stockbroker was also a target for a short time. Shuli also got blasted a little bit. She also went off on Artie and Robin a little bit. She actually apologized for one of the jokes because it was so brutal. She said that she saw a picture of Robin riding her horse in Central Park and it looked like the chase scene from Planet of the Apes. Lisa had some jokes about Judy Gold. She eventually got back to Daniel and roasted him a bit more. Then she shot a couple of jokes at Howard and then wrapped up her roast.
Howard pointed out to the black guys in the studio that Lisa only sleeps with black guys. She said she may have to jump ship and lose a few pounds. Corey said that he'd fuck her. Bob Levy then brought up the next guy, Earthquake. Earthquake got up and said hello to the other comedians. He told a few jokes and warned Angry Black that he should be careful talking to white women the way he was because he could get 52 years in jail for that. Earthquake said that Gilbert told all of the jokes he was planning on telling. He didn't have a lot of jokes about him but he did lecture him about how black people aren't going anywhere. Daniel was saying that this guy is very violent and that's what he preaches. Earthquake didn't really do much of a roast, it was more of a discussion with Daniel.
Howard told Bob that it was an interesting roast today. Bob thought it was a bit strange this morning. He asked Daniel if he wanted to say anything. Daniel said that there were some good comedians there and he had a great time. He wasn't upset with anything they did. Howard said it was a good day for Lisa Lampanelli because she got 5 phone numbers. Gilbert got in another plug for his web site. Daniel also got in a plug for his catalog of racist stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it sounded like Daniel got the best of the comedians in there. Ralph called in and asked if anyone funny was coming up. He told Bob that he managed to bring the week of great shows to a halt. Bob told Ralph to come down and blow everybody to make them happy. Irish John thought that the comedians were pretty bad today and now he hates black people just like Daniel does.
Howard let the comedians get in some plugs for their stuff. Angry Black and Judy Gold ended up getting into a bit of an argument as Yucko was trying to get in a plug. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Robin had to give up her booth for an hour and a half but she said it felt like 24 to her. Howard took another call and said that he's exhausted from the roast. He needs to go home and go to bed. There were a lot of comics in that roast. Robin said that she wasn't able to laugh after a while because there were so many. Evil Dave tried to tell some jokes but Howard told him he's got to read the room... it's not time for jokes right now. Howard was going to be silent for a short time and just rest up a bit. That didn't last long though.
Howard read some articles about Wilmer Valderrama. That lasted a short time but he wanted someone else to do some stuff. Howard said it was kind of odd how Daniel Carver walked out of there feeling good about the roast.
George Flowers from Howard 100 News came in to give them a preview. He said they'll be covering the Roast and the pre-roast party that was held last night. They're also going to be talking to Underdog Lady since they did an hour long interview with her. George mentioned some of the other things they'll be covering before Howard turned it over to Jon Hein from the Wrap Up Show.
Jon said that they'll be talking to Bob Levy and some of the other comedians about what went on today. Jon said they'll also talk about the controversy over what happened with Robin losing her booth for a while. Fred played some of her strange sounds that she made while goofing on Gary early this morning.
Howard played the Top 5 Songs in the country after the previews. ''Bad Day'' by Daniel Powder, ''Be Without You'' by Mary J Blige, and ''You're Beautiful'' by Michael Blunt, some awful song by Sean Paul and ''So Sick'' by Neo were the top 5.
Howard was saying that nothing was funny after that roast today. It was as if comedy had died. He didn't even want to throw in any funny songs in the top 5. Evil Dave woke up again and tried to tell a joke but Howard warned him it was a bad idea. He took a call from a guy who said that WBCN can't get any ratings now that Howard isn't on the station anymore. Howard said that's a shame but he really doesn't care since it's a CBS owned radio station. He started to get into a discussion but gave up after a few seconds.
Howard said that his penis was just inches away from being in Jessica's mouth back then. She used to be obsessed with his show, kind of like Sal is, and she would have done it if he had let her. He said he wouldn't have fought her off if she tried to rape him or something.
Jessica was telling Howard about what she does when she gets a guy off. She said that things happen to her man so there's enough lube there so she doesn't have to do anything special. She said she can just breathe on a man's member and he will be ready to go. She said she could have done that to Howard's back then. Howard said that might not be considered cheating if she just breathed on him.
Howard said that he was watching American Idol last night and Kristy Swanson was sitting there. He said he couldn't stop thinking about what her ex-boyfriend said about her vomiting in the shower while he was skull fucking her. He said he was also thinking about how she allegedly liked to toss his salad in bed. Jessica was saying that she would do that for Howard if she had the chance. Howard wondered if she would do it to him even if he was smelly back there. She said that she would baby wipe him down before doing anything and he would be so pleased.
Howard wondered what makes him the person that Jessica would want to wipe down with baby wipes. Robin said that maybe Sal is right and he's some non-human force. Howard thinks he'd be embarrassed if she actually wiped him down with baby wipes.
Jessica was telling Howard that she's looking good these days but she might be a little too thin. She's just over 100 pounds. Evil Dave asked Jessica what she would do if Howard had diarrhea and accidentally went on her face. Jessica said she'd be fine with that if it was an accident. If he did it on purpose, then she'd get mad. Howard told her she's very sweet and that maybe he could have a game show where Jessica sticker her tongue up his ass each week and he does something different every week.
Howard asked Jessica if she's ever pleasured herself while talking to him on the phone. She said she doesn't make a lot of noise until she's getting near the end. Evil Dave said that he would do it but Howard had to stop him from ad-libbing because he's not funny when he does that stuff. He was pitching a game show for Howard but his description was kind of lame. He was pitching a ''Fart vs. Real Fart'' game that didn't make any sense to the guys. Howard had to shut him down because it wasn't funny and it wasn't written down for him. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
He said that aside from the roast today, the show is great and people are enjoying what they're hearing. Evil Dave made a joke about JD during that discussion so Howard said that he's been hearing JD laughing lately and he's got a very strange ''whooping'' type of laugh. Richard Christy recorded him laughing so he played that clip and goofed on him a little bit about that.
In another clip JD was asked by the In Demand guys what he thinks about Beetlejuice. While he's talking about him he just kind of loses his train of thought and gives up. JD came in and said that he sounds kind of out of it because he doesn't deal that much with Beetlejuice and doesn't know that much about him. Howard told him that's what he should have said to the camera crew when he was being interviewed. He played another clip of JD trying to explain himself but he ends up laughing. He realizes that he sounds like a douche and stops his interview.
Howard said that Gary is still kind of freaked out by the whole thing even though they can't get a straight answer from a real doctor about whether or not Gary could get HIV or something like that through the eye.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about getting massages and how he's never had a woman try to give him a happy ending while getting one. He's not looking for a place where they're known for doing that, he's talking about going to a legitimate place and having a ''nice girl'' do it for him.
Gary came in and told Howard that Benjy has gotten so big that when he was pushed into the wall the other day, it actually moved the wall and some ceiling tiles fell out. Howard asked Benjy what's up with that and why he hasn't lost any weight. Benjy said that he is losing weight and told Howard to shut up about that. Howard told him he's worried about him but then cut himself off and said he really doesn't care.
Benjy was goofing on Howard about his laugh and there was a weird vibe going on there today. Robin freaking out, the roast, Benjy goofing on Howard... it was very strange. Howard said he knew that they shouldn't have kicked Robin out of her booth, it put a jinx on the whole show.
Howard asked if they should replay the entire show today. Artie thinks that they should. It's still interesting even if there was some awkward silence during the roast. Howard said that his agent thought it was very funny and he didn't know what everyone was complaining about.
Howard thought that Sal the Stockbroker was good and knew when to get off. He also thought that Lisa Lampanelli and Shuli were very good as well. Robin said that they have to replay that part of the show because it was 2 hours of the show. They wouldn't have enough show to fill in the rest of the day. The guys ended up talking about Modi a little bit and wondered if he's really gay or if that's just part of his schtick.
Howard wrapped up with Evil Dave but Dave got in one last joke that he wrote himself. It didn't go over very well but the guys were laughing because it was so unfunny. Howard was also saying that Artie doesn't seem to like sitting next to Dave because he makes faces the whole time.
Howard thanked everyone for coming in today and said that roasts are hard, this one just didn't catch fire they way they thought it might. Benjy asked if this was the worst show ever. Howard said that may have been the day they gave Benjy his own show... but then said that he never actually heard Benjy's show. Benjy thinks that the roast may have gone a little too long. Howard said he usually leaves it to Bob Levy but that won't happen again. Artie said that Bob is probably on a ledge somewhere after hearing that. Howard said he was just kidding, everything was fine.
Ralph called in and said that they should replay yesterday's show instead of today's show. He talked about how horrible he thought it was. He said he wants to hear the aftermath part of the show again because that was the best part of the roast. Artie thought that Daniel's final rebuttal was the best part of the roast. Gary said that some people thought that Yucko's slow horn honking was the funniest part of the roast.
Artie wondered who they would cut from the roast if they had to cut someone. Gary said that he would cut out Romont because he didn't seem prepared. He said that he might leave Modi in because he bombed in a funny way, so did Gilbert. He thought that Lisa was great but Ralph didn't agree with that.
Howard said that he would leave in Shuli, Sal, Artie, Yucko and Lisa Lampanelli. He would cut down Bob's opening act and cut out everyone else. Howard wondered if they should edit it down for the replay. Robin said that this conversation wouldn't make sense in the replay then. Robin said that she was actually trying to help by laughing at the comedians but she eventually got sick of laughing so she stopped.
Program Director Tim Sabean came in and said that he got a lot of e-mail about the roast because they couldn't get out of their cars. They were saying it was like a train wreck and they couldn't stop listening. He thinks that they should leave it all in the replay.
Some people were blaming the bad roast on Daniel Carver. Levy was apparently upset about it because it wasn't his choice to roast Carver this time. He wanted to roast Scott the Engineer instead. Howard said he kind of wants to hear the replay to see if it's as bad as it seemed.
Gary said that Ralph called him yesterday to mock him about getting hit in the eye with her squirt. He was goofing on Gary about that and laughing as he was talking about it. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:55am.
Howard said that he's not himself vocally this morning. He's a little hoarse and he's not sure how he can do the show feeling like that. He's hating everything already. He asked the guys to get him some green apples and hot water for his voice. He went to the gym yesterday and was complaining to his trainer that he was running too much and blamed his voice problems on that. He said he's much happier when he's fat and able to do the radio show. When he's walking around in pain after working out, he's miserable.
Artie said that when you go from work to working out it can be kind of depressing. Howard said he doesn't get any break when he's working out but if he doesn't work out, he falls apart. Artie asked him if he's heavier now because he doesn't look any bigger to him. Howard said he's 10 pounds overweight right now and he wants to take that off.
Howard said that the roast was ''real'' and not some phony roast that was edited for TV. It was very different for him when he was in the studio watching it going on than it was hearing it on the radio. Howard apologized to Rev. Bob Levy and said that the show was very entertaining for him. He said that his agent called him and said that the audience was dead and things were just very strange. He liked the roast.
Howard said that the roast was great for him. Robin said she was ill after sitting through the roast and she wanted to throw up from it but she didn't have any food in her to throw up. Howard said that the comedians were actually good but no one in the audience was laughing. That led to the guys talking about how annoying Angry Black was. Artie said that he usually likes Angry Black but he was really annoying him yesterday.
Howard heard that Angry Black weaseled his way up there by asking to get on the list even though he wasn't on it originally. Ronnie came in and said that he didn't use Bob's name to get on the list, he called Jason and Jon Hein and asked them to put him on the list and that's what happened. Ronnie was also saying that Bob puts anyone on that list and adds people to the list at the last minute. Howard said that's not the case, he's not allowed to do that.
Ronnie said that from now on, he's not putting anyone else on the list if they call in after it's been put together. Robin wondered why someone would get on the list and then do what Angry Black did.
Howard said that it was so funny in a way when the one comedian got up and tried to read his lines and had Daniel Carver goofing on him. Howard said it was very different listening to it later on in the day. He was originally talking about editing it down for the replay but he's glad they didn't do that. He heard from fans who said that they got stuck in the car and weren't able to stop listening.
Doug Goodstein called in and said that he had to talk Bob Levy off a ledge yesterday. Howard said that he'll talk to Bob today and apologize for what they were saying about the roast. He took a call from a guy who was at the roast and he was upset with Angry Black for the way he was talking to the comedians during the roast. Judy Gold took the brunt of his heckling and she didn't deserve it.
Howard kept saying that he was sorry for what he said after the roast yesterday because he was wrong. He liked a bunch of the things he heard on the roast. Bob Levy called in so Howard apologized to him. Bob was still apologizing to Howard for the roast going poorly but Howard told him it wasn't bad, it was entertaining. He said that even when people were bombing it was funny.
The guys talked about how some of the comedians weren't prepared for the roast and didn't have all that much to say to Daniel Carver. Howard said even that was entertaining. Artie said it was kind of funny when Earthquake came in and asked for a piece of paper an hour and a half into the roast. He wasn't prepared at all. Bob said that he's ready to roast one of the guys from the show.
Howard told Bob that he liked this roast the best out of the three they've done. He said he liked the tense moments that were going on during the roast. He heard from Meg Griffin that she was stuck in her car listening to it because it was so fascinating to her. The whole thing was weird to Howard but he liked it that way. Bob said he thought it was funny that Daniel was sitting there and laughing through the whole thing.
Howard said the fact of the matter is that the roast was good to him. Robin still didn't agree. Bob told Howard he wants to do Artie next and he wants to bring in his guys. He doesn't want professionals like Howard was suggesting. Artie said they might be able to get Norm Macdonald and David Spade to come in since they know him pretty well. Bob said that he wants people that know what they're doing when it comes to roasting and he wants people who he knows can do the job.
Howard said that the whole roast will be airing tonight on Howard TV On Demand. It was weird but it was also great. He thanked Bob for calling in and told him to apologize to anyone who he offended yesterday. As Bob was getting off the phone he told Ronnie that Angry Black wanted to come up again today and that he should let him come up again.
Howard said that they have a new color wall in the studio. He didn't realize that it was changing colors as the show was going on. He said that wasn't working for him and they can't have the wall changing colors through the show. Scott DePace came in and said that it was a set designer who did that and they can change it. Howard doesn't like the flying fists on his screen either. He said that's not what his whole life is about.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he liked the roast yesterday. He said he listened 3 times. A few more callers told Howard that they liked the roast as well. Howard admitted that he was wrong about it and it was actually good. He thought that it was a shitty show until he listened back to it laster in the day.
Robin said that she heard the girl who shot Gary in the eye with her jizz on the news talking about how she lives for shocking people. Howard and the guys thought that wasn't the right way to shock someone though by shooting her jizz in someone's face without warning.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she liked the roast yesterday and if they roast Artie, it's going to be too predicable. Howard agrees with her on that. Mariann said she hopes that Howard feels better and she's also looking forward to the Film Festival later in April. Howard said that should be a lot of fun when they hold the festival in New York City.
Howard said that the whole scene yesterday was very weird and there was a lot of awkward silences going on even after the roast. He felt so strange about it that he didn't even say goodbye to the audience that had come in. He said they didn't know what to expect with the whole thing. He said his trip out to Long Island was very entertaining as he was listening to it.
Jennifer got back on the line and told Howard that she met Gary at the mall near where he lives. She said she got to know him better and she fell for him. She said she's a little plump at 160 pounds and she's 5'7'' tall. She said she wants to lose some weight. The reason she went to prison is that she wrote a bad check. She said that she learned her lesson on that though. Jennifer said she has changed her life and she's getting away from the drugs and alcohol.
Howard asked Jennifer what she talks to Gary about. She said he's actually gotten a lot better than he used to be and he actually says some very intelligent things. Artie started cracking up when he heard that. She told Howard that he uses some words when he's talking that are very smart and it surprises her. Jennifer said that they were out one time and some people came up to him asking for autographs. She said that she used to think that she'd be embarrassed to be around him but she quickly found that she wasn't embarrassed.
Jennifer claims that she's been having sex with Gary for a couple of years now. Howard sounded kind of surprised by that. She said that he kind of grows on you over time. Howard asked her how it all started. She said that she would stay with him at his place once in a while and she'd stay there for days at a time. When she got to know him better, things started to happen. She would make Gary brush his teeth and things like that. She said that his apartment is actually very clean and he's been very good at brushing his teeth and using ''mouthwarsh.''
Howard asked her about the first time they had sex and if Gary knew where to put it when he was doing her. She said that he watches some porn so he knows where to put it from watching that. She said that he's gotten better at doing it but he doesn't last all that long with her. She said she's never had an orgasm with him. She said that she has some toys of her own that she uses when they're doing things. She said that she doesn't give him oral.
Howard had Gary get back on the phone and asked him why she doesn't give him oral. Gary didn't know what he was talking about. Gary was asking Jennifer why she won't do that. He was also telling her to do it right then so Howard could hear it. Gary was telling Jennifer that he wants her to do it right now. Howard was telling Gary what to say and had him telling her that he had washed his balls and asshole last night. Gary then said that he wants to be treated like a man, not like a retard.
Artie got Gary going again when he told him that he's a retard. Howard had Gary saying that he wanted her to swallow his ''retarded load.'' He then had him put her back on the phone. Howard asked Jennifer to give him oral so they could listen. She agreed and put Gary back on the phone but then she as pretending to do it so it sounded like she was going to do something. Howard got her back on the line and asked her if she's setting something up with Gary. She claims she's not. Artie said that it sounds like Gary is going to get fucked, but not physically.
Howard was still wondering if she's pulling some kind of scam on Gary. Richard Christy came in and said that he wonders how they could think something like that because he only makes like 5 bucks an hour at the burger place he works at. Howard wanted to hear the two of them making out but Artie said he doesn't want to hear that. Jennifer got Gary to come over and had him making out with her. The noises that were coming out of them weren't sexy at all though. Someone said it sounded like Gary eating a Twinkie.
Howard asked her if she's going to dump Gary if she finds a normal guy. She's not planning on doing that and she said that she might even marry him if he wants. She's got two kids of her own but her aunt and uncle have custody of them because of all of the crap she was involved with before.
Artie was asking Jennifer what she tells her friends when she's talking about Gary going to get a job at a sex booth place and then gets turned down. She didn't really have anything to say about that. She said that he does have some other prospects for jobs. Howard thanked Jennifer for calling in and asked her if she wanted to have sex with him on the air. She said she would wait to do that for some other time.
Howard found out that Gary had a care taker until just recently. The woman that was taking care of him just quit but now he's got a new one. She said that Gary makes most of his money from doing comedy shows. Howard took a call from a guy who wondered what was going on with them talking to a woman who was dating a retard. Howard thinks that it's very interesting, that's why they're talking to her. One guys said he was ready to throw up after listening to this. Howard wrapped up with her and went to break after that.
Phil said that what he wrote says that the press is saying that Howard is a crusader. Howard said that the reason that happens is because there aren't any guys out there defending Dan Rather about what was done to him at CBS. Howard said that not one person has critiqued CBS for what they did to Dan Rather except for him. He said that's why some people are calling him a crusader.
Phil was saying that Howard isn't the same person he once was. He doesn't go for Howard's act anymore, that's what he's talking about in his column. He said that the article had nothing to do with the lawsuit. He said that he used to like Howard's act when it was on terrestrial radio but now he doesn't care for it since he's doing dirty material. Howard told Phil that he finds his article to be inaccurate and there's more to it than Phil is making it sound.
Phil was defending himself by telling Howard that he has defended him against Don Imus in the past but after he explained what he had written, Howard wasn't impressed. He said he wasn't going to thank him for what he wrote because he didn't really agree with it.
Howard pointed out that Phil hasn't listened to his show in the past couple of months and he doesn't know what the show is all about. Phil said that he hasn't been listening that much and he probably couldn't name a bit he's done in the past 3 months. Phil said that's probably the case. Phil said that he liked the clean material and the show isn't clever anymore, that's why he's stopped listening.
Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about the stuff that Phil was talking about and they think that he's a bit misguided. They were also talking about how out of breath he was by the end of the phone call. Howard said he still can't figure out what Phil was talking about. He said he's not mad at the guy but he just can't figure out what he wrote.
Howard said he heard that the AIDS virus dies on contact with oxygen. She said that they are kind of unstable so they do die quickly. She told the guys that she once got squirted in the eye with some eye fluid from a guy who had TB, AIDS and some other things and she turned out just fine. She was also saying that TB is still out there and they would be surprised at the other things that people have.
Judy did suggest that Gary get tested just in case even though there is little chance that he caught anything. Howard asked if she thinks Gary should use a condom with his wife. Gary told Howard that he already does so that's not a problem. He said that's their form of birth control. He said that he has no plans to get a vasectomy because he's heard stories about guys having problems. He said he would feel less like a man if he did that.
Howard said the reason he won't do it is because he doesn't want anyone seeing his small penis and laughing at him. Artie said that he doesn't want anyone messing with that area either. Howard heard that guys who have that surgery have a higher rate of cancer too. Gary said that he would much rather use a condom than get surgery done like that.
Howard said that some guys end up having that surgery and then get it reversed when they find another woman who wants to have kids. Gary said that sex with condoms lasts longer too so that's another advantage. Howard asked Dr. Judy if she's hot. She said that when her patients come in, they find it hard to believe that she's a doctor. She also said that her husband was afraid that they were going to ruin their practice by talking about that stuff on the air.
Gary told a couple of stories about going to hot doctors who had to look at his junk. There's another guy who is his neighbor. He said that he's become friends with him and forgot how invasive the procedure is. He said that the guy has to see his junk and check his prostate. Howard said that the guy who does that to him is this guy Bob Baker who is a friend of his.
Howard asked Judy who she looks like. She said that she's been told she looks like a young Morgan Fairchild. Howard wanted to see her so he asked for her web site. She said that it's SeeBetterNewJersey.com. Benjy brought up the picture of her and said that she was very tan... She said that she used to live in New Orleans. Howard checked her out and said that she looks good. She was in that ''Morgan Fairchild'' area. He said that her patients must go nuts for her. Benjy found another picture of her that showed more of her body so Howard quickly checked that out before letting her go.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to play but Tori Spelling was there so he wanted to talk to her. Gary said that she was looking really good today. Howard quickly let a phone caller talk about how great the f'ing machine girls were on Howard TV On Demand. The guy was also saying that the show is amazing these days. He knew that Howard was in a rush to get to Tori so he let him go.
Howard said that he has learned that Robin has agreed to let the IN Demand guys follow her taking one of her boating lessons down in Miami so everyone can see that on Howard TV.
Howard talked about the old days when they used to hang out together out in L.A. He was also talking about how much her father is worth. They were also talking about how Tori has apparently been pissing off her parents with her new TV show. Tori said that those stories are not true and her parents are still talking to her.
Howard asked if her parents got pissed after spending a million dollars on her wedding and then she breaks up with the guy. Tori said it wasn't a million dollars, it was probably about half a million. Robin asked her if she knew that she was making a mistake that day. Howard interrupted and said that Tori's tits look great today. He said it looked like her nips were going to pop out.
Howard read that Tori kind of knew that she was making a mistake the day of the wedding. She said she really didn't know it then. She said she got some great gifts for her wedding too and her mother gave her a $2,500 Menorah. Howard asked her how the honeymoon was. She said they went to Italy and everything was fine then. Robin pointed out that she was still a newlywed and then she went to shoot a movie and fell in love with someone else.
Howard heard that Jason Priestly was at her wedding so he was talking about how Jason won't even talk to him anymore. Gary said that Jason is just a douche and that's the reason he doesn't talk to him anymore. He got mad over something really stupid that happened on the show and now he won't talk to them.
Tori said that she never hated this guy Charlie, she just found her soul mate while shooting this movie for Lifetime called ''Mind Over Murder.'' She got to know the guy while on the set and he was married as well. He also had an infant at home. Howard said that a lot of white guys are making that move these days and it's just not right. He asked Tori if she was freaked out by all of that. Tori said it was tough on everyone. Howard said that he's worried about this whole thing. She's a step-mom to a 7 year old. The guy also adopted an infant and that baby is 10 months old.
Howard asked Tori how she told her husband that she was leaving him. She said that they both had to do that with their spouses. She said she did freak out a bit when that was going on. Tori swears that once she hooked up with this new guy, she didn't sleep with her husband. She said there was no crossover time there. She said that they had separated at the time. She broke up with the husband in person and it was very tough. Howard said that he would break up over the phone, he couldn't do it in person.
Tori told Howard that she did the breakup with her therapist. She wanted to be able to tell him the truth and that's how she did it. Howard said he thinks that's brilliant. Bring the guy to a therapy session and then break up with him. Howard said he would video tape that if he was the therapist. He kept bringing up Tori's breasts and how great they looked in the shirt she was wearing.
Tori said that she didn't cry after the therapy session. Charlie was shocked and she was fearful so there were no tears. Robin asked how the other guy broke up with his spouse. Howard said the other guy must have had a pretty traumatic break up as well. She said that he just confronted her and didn't have to do a therapy thing.
Howard asked Tori if she's going to have a pre-nup with this new guy. She told him that they don't hold up so they're kind of useless. She said that she has issues with the pre-nup she had with Charlie and anyone can contest it if they want.
Richard Christy came in and said that he thinks that her boyfriend made a big mistake. He read that the guy got a tattoo of her face and some lines about how in love he is with her. Tori said that it's actually 3 tattoos and they're all over his body. Tori doesn't think that's so outrageous. She seems to be flattered by the whole thing. Howard said that guy's wife must be freaking out that he didn't do that for her. Tori said that his wife wouldn't let him get tattoos so Tori told him she loves tattoos and he should get them if he wants.
Howard asked Tori if she's done any lesbian stuff. She said that she has kissed girls but that's not really lesbian stuff. She also said that she's been to a strip club with her husband and she can give a better lap dance than the strippers can.
Tori told Howard that she's getting married to this new guy this summer. Her parents won't be throwing the wedding though. She said that they haven't even met the guy yet. He wants to meet them but the parents just wished her luck with the whole thing.
Howard asked Tori about this new TV show ''So noTORIous'' that's based loosely on her life. She said that Loni Anderson plays her mother in the show and she looks just like she did when she was on ''WKRP in Cincinnati.'' Howard was telling Tori that if he was her, he'd let her parents run her whole life. Tori told Howard that her fiancee is flying in as they speak and he wanted to be on the show because he's a huge fan. Howard said that would have been great if he had actually made it in.
Tori was saying that she thinks that she's found her soul mate with this new guy, Dean McDermott, and she didn't have that with the other guy. Howard said this guy must be giving it to her really good. He wondered if she's been tossing his salad. She said that they're doing just about everything. Howard said that he's never had a woman do that to him and he wouldn't want a woman back there because he's got dingle berries and stuff going on. Tori said that it shouldn't matter if the woman really loves him. Howard asked her if the guy is really well hung. She would only say that it's ''very nice'' and ''beautiful.'' Howard figured it was the big penis that got her but Tori said it's not about the size. Howard figures that's exactly what it is.
Howard talked to Tori more about her relationship with this guy. She said that they've been together for 10 months and Howard thinks it's not enough. They're still banging every day. Howard told her that she should wait before getting married to the guy.
Howard gave Tori some plugs for her TV show that's airing Sunday nights on VH-1. He then asked her to talk more about the time that she made love to a guy on an airplane. She talked about that on his old show but had problems describing what she did. She didn't want to get into it because her fiancee wouldn't want to hear about that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he used to jerk off to her all the time when she was on 90210. He also asked her if she takes it in the seat. Howard said he already said that she does just about everything with her man. Ralph called in next and said that she must be delusional because Loni Anderson is a mess. He saw her on Entertainment Tonight the other day and she looked awful. Tori said that she thinks she looks good for a 60 year old. Howard said he saw some pictures of her on WireImage.com and she looked good to him.
Howard told Tori she looks great and hopes that her man is treating her well. She said that he is but Howard told her to wait to get married. He thinks that she's rushing into it and it could go all wrong again. Benjy was asking some questions about her fiancee's adopted kid and what's going to happen with that. Tori said she can't talk about that stuff because it's all tied up in court right now.
Artie brought up the time that Tori was asked what the capital of New York was and she answered ''New Jersey.'' Tori said she can never forget about that and the tapes of that day replay in her head all the time. She said that she now knows that the capital is Albany.
Artie also told Tori that he had pitched some sketches for Tori to do on MAD TV back in the mid 90s and her agent turned them down. Tori said she didn't even know she had the offer to do the show. He told her he pitched some ideas like the ''Tori Spelling Bee'' where she'd have to spell the word nepotism. Then there was the ''Joe Tori Spelling'' bit where she'd be the manager of the Yankees. She said she thought those sounded kind of funny.
Howard wrapped up with Tori and gave her another plug for her VH-1 show. She said that she pokes fun of herself in the show and she thinks it's pretty good.
Howard said that there's an article about David Lee Roth possibly losing his job at CBS. He said that Roth did some test shows for CBS and they knew exactly what he was going to be doing when he started over there. Now there's an article in the NY Post about how he might be let go. Howard said that Dave has been very vocal about how he doesn't want to change his show for CBS as they're asking him to. He said that he's been asked to make it more like Howard Stern's show and he doesn't want to go there. Robin and Howard were talking about how Dave may be caving in a little bit because he has been having on some guests like strippers and a Hank the Dwarf-like personality.
Howard read the NY Post article where John Mainelli points out that Roth was missing from his show yesterday. Management (like Tom Chiusano) isn't having a good time working with Dave and they're kind of upset about that. Howard said that they really need to give Dave a chance to make his show happen but now he's reading that Friday may be his final show. The story coming from CBS is that Dave was at a music festival and he didn't get enough sleep so he missed the show yesterday. Howard said that he's apparently been absent from his show for 2 days.
Howard said that his point is that the same CBS that is suing him will probably end up suing David Lee Roth. That's the rumor he's hearing anyway. They've been messing with his show from the start and not giving him a chance to make it his own. Howard said that CBS knew what they had from the beginning and if they do fire him, they have to pay the guy the 8 million they owe him. He has a feeling that they're going to screw Dave over just like they screw over other talent in their company.
Howard said that CBS knew what they had with Dave and even took out ads saying that they weren't going to have any more fart jokes with him. Howard said that CBS had better not sue this guy and better pay the guy. If they don't, they're making a big mistake. He's wondering when they're going to fired Joel Hollander for costing the company money. He said that the guy should stand up and admit that he has no idea what he's doing. He's a salesman who they moved up to fill in for Mel Karmazin when he left. Howard said Joel thinks that he's an expert but he's not.
Howard spent a few minutes going off on Joel Hollander and Leslie Moonves. He wonders when they're going to stand up and admit that they've filed a frivolous lawsuit and that they don't know what they're doing.
Howard said that Mel Karmazin was talking about how they have already asked Howard to stay on for another five years and they would give him the same deal he has now if he would do that. Howard said that's confidence right there. He said that Mel was also saying that he CBS lawsuit is without merit and they're surprised that they would waste their time with Howard.
Howard played some audio from Riley's radio show from earlier in the week and said it's just like scientology to him. As the Riley show was playing, Artie was laughing his ass off. He said that show is great. Howard said he wants to know more about Riley's co-host who was asking the questions during the show that night. Gary came in and told Howard that guy is Curtis Cooperman and he's been on the show before. He buys into the whole thing and helps Riley get the word out there.
Howard had a prank call that Evil David Letterman made to Riley. He called him as the real David Letterman and said that Paul Shaffer has been abducted and they would like to talk to him about that on the show. Evil Dave then said that he would like to pleasure himself to his voice if he would allow it. Evil Dave started to make sounds like he was jerking off and then Riley started to go off on him about wasting his time. Riley went off on him and started calling him names and eventually hung up on Dave.
A caller told Howard that he loved the roast yesterday and Howard told him he had to agree. The guy said that he laughed his ass off the whole time he was listening. Howard said that this was the best Roast so far in his opinion.
Howard took a call from The Sim who asked Robin about her attitude yesterday toward Gary. Robin said that she was upset with the way she was treated and not told that she was going to have to move out of her booth. Another caller told Howard that he thought Bob Levy was cursing too much. Howard said that the roast was very strange while sitting there but when he listened it it, it was fine. He had to go to break a short time later.
Darrell said that he's been on SNL for 11 seasons now and he's not sure that's going to last much longer. He said he could stay longer but he's not sure he wants to. Howard asked him if he gets embarrassed after a while. Darrell said that it can be kind of embarrassing when reporters ask why he's never gotten another show.
Darrell said that he doesn't have to do all that much on the show, he just goes into work late in the week and they tell him what to do. He said he's making some great money doing the show too. Howard told him that if that's the case, he shouldn't give it up.
Howard was saying that some people get fired from the show like Norm Macdonald and even Adam Sandler. Artie said he's not sure Sandler got fired, but he was told that he wasn't going to return the next year. Darrell was telling Howard that since Hillary Clinton may be running for President next year, that would bring back his President Clinton impression every week.
Darrell also does an impression of Eddie Murphy but he doesn't think that he's still able to do it. He did a little bit of the impression for them but he used to do it back in his hacky days as a comedian. Will came in with a whole list of the impressions that Darrell does. Darrell told him that those are the things he used to do when he was drunk though.
Howard asked Darrell if he's got a satellite radio and if he's listened. Darrell said he had it put in his car but he hasn't listened to it yet. Howard gets the feeling that he's not into music and music doesn't really move him. Darrell said that Howard is really reading him today. Howard was told by Benjy that he saw Darrell hanging out side of a massage parlor that's known for giving happy endings. Darrell said that's not true though.
Howard went through the list of impressions that Darrell does. He asked him to do some of his Jay Leno since it's brilliant. He also does Jesse Jackson so Artie told him that's his favorite. Darrell did a little bit of that and had the guys laughing. Howard said he could listen to that impression every day.
Howard told Darrell that when he runs into him on the street he always seems kind of down. Darrell said that he's not into talking about certain things in his life when Howard asked him if he was ever molested as a child. Robin told Darrell that she was molested by her father when she was a young girl. Howard had Darrell doing his Jesse Jackson impression trying to cheer Robin up about her molestation.
Howard said that the best thing about Darrell is that he's so relaxed when he does his impressions. Darrell said that he's been doing them since he was a kid so he's pretty comfortable with that. Howard saw that Darrell does Barney Fife so he asked him to do a little bit of that. Darrell got up and did a few seconds of that. Howard said that Darrell had everything going, even the lips and movements that Don Knotts used to do. The guys had some fun with that impression for a short time.
Howard asked Darrell if he'd like to do an hour long radio show where he'd do his impressions and host a music show. Darrell said that he might do that if Howard sponsors it. He told Howard that he was getting a colonoscopy one time and the nurse was telling him that he's actually much better looking than Bill Clinton. He said that his apartment burned down once and the fire fighters were even talking to him about the impressions he does.
Darrell did a little more of his Jay Leno impression where Leno says that he's not making up his stories and stuff. He had to stand up to do the impression since he was doing a monolog impression. Darrell told Howard that Leno used to do great stand up. Howard agreed with him on that and said that Leno just got all wimpy and changed his tune. Artie said that he saw Leno two times, four years apart and he saw the same act each time. Howard told Darrell that Leno was sleeping with Sandra Bernhard years ago and he was tying her up and things like that. Darrell found that hard to believe.
Darrell asked Howard if he gets along with Jay Leno anymore. Howard told him that he no longer gets along with Jay since the phone call he got from him about hiring Stuttering John away from him behind his back. Howard said that was kind of embarrassing and weird for him so it wasn't cool.
Howard and Darrell talked about the CBS lawsuit a little bit. Darrell didn't know about it so Howard had to fill him in on what was up with that. He filled him in on that and Darrell said that sounds pretty crazy to him.
Darrell was telling Howard that ever since he got off the coke he's been in a much better mood. That led to the guys talking about how Artie is a big drinker and also used to do coke. Howard had Artie tell Darrell the story about going to score coke while dressed in a pig outfit. Darrell said that he was pretty crazy when he was on coke as well. He was trying to pick up Asian chicks with $200 in quarters while he was out in Vegas one time while he was on coke.
Howard read through some more of Darrell's impressions and asked him about the Al Sharpton impression so Darrell did a little bit of that. Howard wanted Darrell to do something with Penny Crone so Gary brought her in a short time later. Howard told Penny that he needed her to do Darrell for the show. Penny came in and told Darrell that she loves him on Saturday Night Live. She was showing some cleavage so Howard asked her if she would show them her breasts. She said she can't do that because she'll get fired. She was also claiming that she's not married but Gary said that she introduced a guy to her a few weeks ago as her husband. Penny said that was just some guy she walks around with to make her look good. Penny told the guys that she can put her whole fist in her mouth so she demonstrated that for them. Benjy sounded shocked as he was watching her do that.
Howard let Penny go and had Darrell do some more of his impressions. One of the biggest characters he did was Sean Connery. Howard thought that Darrell had some strange things going on with his parents but Darrell said that he still speaks to them.
Howard read through more of Darrell's impressions and came across Regis Philbin's name. Darrell did a little bit of that and then Howard told him about how he lives in the same building as Regis and the guy is constantly on and it's hard to have a conversation with him because of that. Howard mentioned Pee Wee Herman's name so Darrell did a little bit of that impression. Howard said that he used to do a black guy impression but he's been out of his old neighborhood so long that he doesn't remember how to do it.
Howard gave Darrell a plug for the gigs he's doing at Caroline's comedy club tomorrow night and Saturday. He's also got a movie coming out called ''Kiss Me Again.'' Howard had to wrap up with him a short time later.
Jon Hein was also in to give a preview of the Wrap Up show. He said that they'll be talking about Tori Spelling and Darrell Hammond's interviews.
Gary was standing there with a microphone so Howard asked him what was up with that. He had the mic for Robin's Nephew Anthony who was sitting in with them today. Howard asked Anthony what he's doing there today. Gary pointed out that someone had the Sybian turned on and running right next to Anthony. Anthony is going to MIT right now and works in the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Howard was asking him what he works on and Anthony blurted out ''robots'' but didn't get into more details.
Artie said that Robin once sent him a copy of an e-mail that Anthony sent to her and it looked like it was in a different language to him. Howard asked Anthony if he's been out on Robin's new yacht yet. Robin said it's not a yacht, it's just a boat.
George Flowers asked Anthony about the robots and asked if they're roving or some other type of robots. Anthony said they are rovers. Howard asked him if there are any hot chicks at MIT but Anthony was just laughing and wasn't able to answer him.
Jon Hein said they'll be talking about Howard changing his mind on the roast and what everyone thinks about that.
Howard played a new Baba Booey song parody called ''Baba Bohemian'' which was to the Queen song ''Bohemian Rhapsody.'' Howard listened to the whole thing instead of just playing a few seconds of it as they usually do. He said that a guy by the name of Rich Gibbons put that together. Robin wasn't that impressed with it. Mike said that he liked it but could barely hear it. Scott the Engineer came in to fix the problem. He said he's supposed to change the board during the break but he didn't get to it today.
Howard tested out the new settings by playing Mike's fart for him. Mike said he was able to hear that just fine. Howard played Mike's conga and fart sounds to some music as well. He played just about everything that they had with Mike's fart in it. Artie said that fart is funny no matter what your intelligence level is. They had a couple of new songs with his fart included. Mike was talking over the songs and Artie was adding his own sounds to them as they were playing. He said he could smell another apology coming next week.
Howard moved on to the game and turned it over to Mike. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Mike said that he has great news for the readers of the National Enquirer. He said that he has a limerick contest to go along with the Mickey Rooney story. He said he gets thousands of responses from those things. The winners get $100. Howard wrapped up with Mike and had Robin start her news. She did a quick newscast and they ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard was off today so we had Jon Hein, Gary Dell'Abate and Ralph Cirella filling in for him on The Friday Show. Richard and Sal were there helping out as well. Jon said that they have a lot of great stuff to play today including some old clips from years ago.
Jon started off the show with some audio from when Howard was on WRNW, his first real radio station job. Gary said that in this clip you hear Howard at the premiere of ''Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.'' Howard calls in from the premiere and talks to another deejay about what's going on. He tries to get the audience to make some noise but you could hear one woman tell Howard to ''go blow.'' He asked a woman to sing for him because she was singing off the mic but it was like pulling teeth.
Jon said that they had to cut that clip down because it was 13 minutes long. Howard was very subdued in the clip and Gary said that he's been calling that ''Valium Howard.'' Ralph said he could have listened to that all day long. Gary said that Howard was moved from DJ to program director at that station and eventually had to cut a promo where he talks about the station and why people should listen to it. They played that audio clip and Howard sounded pretty mellow in that one as well.
Jon said that the clip makes him feel much better about his radio debut. Gary said he can't believe that the guy he works with today is the same guy in that clip. Ralph was crying from laughing so hard at the audio clip. Jon had another audio clip to play from back then. In this clip Howard is doing an advertisement for an event the station had coming up. Howard was doing a strange impression in the clip that sounded kind of like a hippie and his Woody Allen impressions mixed into one. Gary was laughing and jokingly pointed out that it was Howard doing both voices in the clip. Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard sounds kind of like Out of the Closet Stern in those clips.
Gary and Ralph were talking about Howard's childhood and how he really didn't have it that tough compared to the other guys. He had two loving parents while the others didn't.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that yesterday's prank call to Riley Martin from Evil Dave may have been the best phone call they've ever made. Gary said that when Darrell Hammond was listening to that, he was doubled over laughing. Jon played the call for him a short time later. Jon said that the best part of the call is when Riley asks Evil Dave how he got his number and Dave tells him ''Paul Shaffer'' and then Riley says ''Oh...''
Jon played another recent clip where Howard played Mike Walker's fart for Mike Walker during last Friday's Gossip Game. The guys came back and talked about how great that fart turned out to be. Gary explained how Richard Christy found that fart when he was listening in as Mike was waiting to come on air. Richard records stuff as Mike as waiting to come on and he saw a blip on his computer screen and it turned out to be that fart. Richard said that he had to thank a few people for helping him out with that Evil Dave call that they played a few minutes before. Some of the other guys helped him write lines and stuff for that. Jon took them to break a short time later and played an old WRNW commercial that Howard did.
Gary and Jon talked about how important it seemed to be for both Howard and Dice to get that stuff out of the way even though Howard initially was doing it just for the show. They also talked about another part of the interview where Dice and Howard talked about the phone calls that Dice used to make to Howard where he would keep him on the line for 45 minutes at night when Howard just wanted to go to bed. There were also discussions about Dice jerking around the real estate agent that Howard hooked him up with.
Ralph spent some time talking about that segment and how he could picture Howard sitting in the car with Dice talking about the houses they were looking at. Gary said that he remembers Howard telling him how pissed off he used to get at Dice when he dicked him around like he did.
Jon played another clip where Dice went from being ''Andrew Clay'' to ''Dice Clay'' and did some of his comedy material to show that he still has it. Jon and the guys spent some time talking about how funny all of that stuff was.
Ralph said that it seemed that Robin was more upset that Daniel was going to be sitting in her booth than she was with Gary. Gary said that everyone has to make sacrifices for those roasts because they have so many people in there.
Jon said that it was a long ''Best of Fred'' but it was loaded with sound effects. Gary said that it was a great story to begin with but Fred made it even better with those clips.
Ralph said there was another Best of Fred clip where he threw in some sounds during a news story that Robin was reading. She was doing a story about bacon and Fred had some sizzling sound effects and pig sounds that he threw in there during the conversation. Ralph thought it was pretty amazing that Fred was right there with the sizzling sound as soon as Robin said the N in bacon.
Jon played the clip and both Howard and Robin were going kind of crazy over the band. Howard thought that they were 22 years old but the guys let him know that he had the wrong information. Gary got yelled at during the segment because all the information he had was wrong. Howard also asked them about the gay thing even though he was told not to. The boys claimed that they were straight and Howard said he could tell that they liked girls. Little did he know... As he was wrapping up the interview they played some ''Careless Whisper'' but Howard cut it off as soon as the guys left. He had the engineer play some Grand Funk Railroad instead.
After listening to the clip Gary talked about how much stuff was going on in there. He said that the guys from Wham were clapping along with Howard when he would clap to accentuate a question. Jon also pointed out that Gary's voice sounded very odd in that clip. Gary said that's the impression that Adam Sandler used to do of him on Saturday Night Live. Richard said that his favorite part of that clip was Gary's voice.
Gary had to explain who Janie the Cleaning Lady was because she was in the clip as well. He said that Janie was there before he even got there. She would find things to do when they were on the air because the union insisted on paying her if she was on air. She would come in quite often because of that.
Jon and Gary talked about how funny that segment was. They also had some audio of Howard playing audio of Richard Christy trying to get Beetlejuice to recreate his Beetlejuice Song. That didn't go very well and they weren't able to recreate it. After playing that clip the guys went to commercial break.
Jon moved on to the next segment which was a clip of Howard's first appearance on David Letterman's show when Letterman was on NBC. In the clip Howard talks about his radio show and how he hates playing the music that WNBC was making him play. He was also talking about how he likes to have lesbians on his show because that's what people seem to like to hear. Howard put the word out that he was looking for another job as long as he was on a national TV show and his days at WNBC were probably numbered. He predicted that he would be off the air within 6 months. He also told Dave that he should be making more money than he was rumored to have been making back then. Letterman was reading some of the hate mail that Howard brought along with him. They were going to call some of those people but they were running out of time.
Jon and the guys talked about how loose Dave seemed to be back then and how the two of them clicked as soon as they met. Ralph said that you could tell that Dave really liked Howard in that interview. Howard went in with his ''don't give a shit'' attitude, according to Gary, and that seemed to help. Gary said that he went to every Letterman appearance except for that one. They spent a couple of minutes on that and then moved on to some other things.
After the replay Ralph asked if it was sexy at all because hearing it was just strange. Gary said it was more of a freak show or a curiosity thing. He said he thinks that the girls are very good at what they do too. Gary was also complaining about Ralph calling him and goofing on him about getting squirt in the eye. He said that he was really upset about that and he should have had some warning before he got hit in the face. They had to take a break after that.
Jon said that Blue Iris will be coming on the show on Thursday to ride the Sybian. Gary said he's going to let Ralph run the thing that day.
After the news preview Jon mentioned that Red Peters' show is on tonight at 7 on Howard 101. He then went on to play some clips from Wilmer Valderrama's interview from earlier this week. They picked the best highlights from the interview to keep it short.
The guys talked about how great he was as a guest because he was willing to talk about just about anything in that interview. Gary said he got a call from Wilmer's publicist and then Jennifer Love Hewitt's publicist and Lindsey Lohan's publicist who were all looking for copies of the show so they could hear what he said.
In the clip you hear Howard and Robin talking about how they need to get a mic on the people in the studio but John Hayes, the General Manager at the time, was no where to be found to help them out. Al Rosenberg had to yell because he didn't have a microphone on him. Howard called Hayes' office to talk to the guy but his secretary refused to put him on the line. Then Howard tells Gary and Fred to go find him and see if he's actually in a meeting. Al Rosenberg headed down there and started knocking on Hayes' door. Al explained why he was there and you could barely hear the muffled sound of John saying that he was too busy to talk to Howard.
Howard was calling his boss a moron and goofing on him. Al came back in and said that John was mad at him and he might need a new job. It was the secretary who covered up the phone when Al was talking to Hayes. Al told Howard that John was in a meeting with a bunch of people so he wasn't lying about that.
Howard decided to head down to the office himself after taking a commercial break. Robin filled in for him as he was walking down to the office. When he got there, he walked in the office and there was no one in there but John. Howard said he needed to talk to John right then but John tried to close the door on him. Howard started calling him names and told him that he's an idiot. He snuck into the office while John was talking to Robin. Howard told Robin that Hayes called him a douche bag and pushed him away from his phone. Howard went to commercial while playing a Dire Straights song parody.
After playing the bit Gary said that moment may not have been the only reason Howard was fired but it was probably the last straw with management over there. Jon was also pointing out how different radio was back then and how no one was doing stuff like that on the air.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that this stuff is so important to the fans who haven't heard that older stuff. He said that's the great thing about The Friday Show. He told them they were doing a great job and he's hoping that they continue to do it for another 5 or maybe 10 years. They had to go to break a short time later.
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Jon said that he went in the studio after Sal and Robin had yelled at each other and as he was talking about what they had coming up on the Wrap Up Show, Sal got on Gary's mic and started to go off on Fred this time. Jon played that clip next. Fred was ready to beat the crap out of Sal for what he was saying to him.
Sal said that he was shitting his pants that day because Fred was so scary to him. Sal said that he wished that he had never picked up Howard's megaphone because that's what led to all of that stuff.
After playing the call the guys said that call was easily the ''caller of the week'' because it was so strange. They talked about how odd it was when the guy actually admitted to the gay experiences. Jon took a call from a guy who thought the guy was going to be caller of the week or maybe even the month as soon as he heard it live. The guy was also saying that the roast earlier this week wasn't that funny but Ralph told him to listen to it again because it was pretty interesting even though it may not have been that funny.
The next ''Caller'' clip they had was a guy who called in during Kristy Swanson's ex-boyfriend's call to the show. That caller was Ralph and Ralph got the guy to talk about some of the dirty stuff that Kristy liked to do when she was with him.
Gary said that he was sitting at home the other night and got a call from Kristy Swanson. She was given Gary's number by David Spade. She said that their band was upset with the guy because they didn't want to be part of that guy's story. Gary said she may call in the next time that guy calls the show. Jon had to go to break right after that.
Ralph thinks that whole diet thing is about getting attention. Richard Christy said that Benjy didn't want to come over to his apartment the other day because it's on a fourth floor walk up. He's so fat that he doesn't want to walk up four flights of stairs. Richard said he eventually did come up though.
Up next was the Rejected Sal and Richard bits segment. The two of them light up and clap for each other as they're introducing the segment. Richard said that the first bit that they had to play was where he and Sal were jerking this guy around on their Jack and Rod Show goof. Jon played the bit where they interviewed this guy Johnny about his book. They ended up asking him about commercials for his book but he hadn't done any commercials for his book or anything else. Jack and Rod would keep throwing in the commercial questions and then asked him about meeting retarded people. They wished him luck with his commercials and then hung up on the guy.
Gary said that the bit didn't go anywhere but he was very amused by it. Ralph said he really didn't think it went anywhere.
Jon said that he thinks that Howie sounds very much like Ralph during those clips and if he had done his ''Bobby'' character, he could have sounded exactly like Mark the Bagger. Jon wrapped up the show after that, it was around 10:20am.
