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Howard started off the week saying that they were unable to get George Takei this week. He heard that they blew it with the amount of money they offered him. He said that the first time they had him on, during the first week, they came up with a little more money. This time George asked for the same amount and they weren't able to come through with it. Howard said he needs to have a meeting with the people there to figure out how to keep the guests happy and he's not sure who he needs to have that meeting with.
Gary told Howard it would probably have to be with Tim Sabean and Scott Greenstein. Howard thinks that it's crazy that they have to go through all of this stuff to get a guest on the show. He said that if they're going to give receptionists shows on SIRIUS, they may as well just give George Takei his own show and pay him that way. He doesn't want to be involved in all of this stuff but that's what ends up happening. Artie said he hopes that this doesn't ruin the relationship with George. Howard doesn't think it has.
Howard said that he told Fred that if he wants anything taken out of the movie, he'll take it out. Fred said he doesn't have to take anything out though. Fred said as long as there was nothing malicious going on, he was okay with the movie.
Fred and Howard spent a short time talking about the movie and Artie said he thinks this is all a publicity stunt for the movie. Howard said that he told Fred that he loves him and he would withdraw the movie if Fred isn't comfortable with it.
Artie said he went to see the Allman Brothers over the weekend. Howard wondered if he was wasted at the concert so Artie told Howard the whole story. He said that there were a lot of Stern Fans there and they all had SIRIUS. He said it's amazing how many people there actually have it. He said that the people there all looked like they spent money on two things, SIRIUS and weed.
Artie said that the Allman's opened up with the song Mountain Jam and that lasted about 12 minutes. Then they went on to some other good songs and all of the fans were just hanging out and tripping. Artie was on the side of the stage and some of the people in the crowd started yelling stuff out to him so he had to move. He was playing air guitar on the side of the stage and he figures he looked like an idiot up there.
Artie said that the band played some great songs but he wanted to make some requests of his own. Howard told him that he went to a Billy Joel concert one time and requested that he play ''Downeaster Alexa'' and he actually did it for him. Artie said that the band had a bottle of Jack Daniels there so he got a little lit. He said that at one point they had a 25 minute drum solo that was almost like the band daring the audience to leave. Even the other band members don't stay on stage for that. Greg Allman went up to his dressing room to take a break during that solo.
Howard wondered why someone would leave their own show. Artie said that Allman must go up to chill out for a while and he may have even laid down for a few minutes. Everyone there was probably tripping anyway so that 25 minutes was probably okay with the audience.
Artie said he went out to a diner after that show. Then he was betting on the college basketball games over the weekend and dropping $1,000 bets on them all. He said he picked the underdogs and they came through so he's up by about $4,200 right now. He did start out betting the $1,000 but lowered it to $500 on some of them. Howard said that it sounds like the therapy is really working out for him. Artie said he hasn't started yet but Dana is still pushing for him to do it. He didn't see her over the weekend but did talk to her on the phone. He said that they're still working things out.
Howard said that it sounds like Artie's relationship is still falling apart. Artie said that he couldn't even whack off on Saturday because he was so drunk. He said that he also had a contact high from the 17 year olds that were smoking the great weed there. Howard put the word out to Dana that she'll never be able to meet another guy like this... a big, fat, alcoholic gambler.
Artie said he got up at about 1:30 on Sunday afternoon and had some leftover pizza from Friday. He came home and jerked off after going out to get the paper and some other stuff. He said he had jerked off to a picture of Jenny McCarthy. He described her bending over and making one of her goofy faces and she's just not funny. He'd like to tell her that to her face too.
Artie told a story about how when he was working at MAD TV he had jerked off to Christina Applegate's image as she was about 2 feet away from where he was at. He was reminded of that by a friend of his. He told Howard that he was working with her on the show at the time and there was something really hot about her. Howard said that it's kind of funny how actresses think that he's an actor when he's really just a long shoreman from New Jersey.
Artie said that he could hear Christina talking as he was jerking off to her. He couldn't see her at the time though. Howard said that he jerked off to just about every woman in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard said that they spent a long time shooting the scene with Melanie Good and he had to beat off because she was pretty physical with him and she was completely naked in the scene. He was pitching a tent in the bathtub and he had to try to calm himself down. Robin said she remembers that scene and Howard had a real tent pitched in those scenes. He wasn't faking that.
Chris O'Donnell thought that Renee Zellweger really liked Artie, according to Artie, when he shot a movie with her. Artie doesn't believe that's really possible. He said that she was so nice back then and she wasn't even that big in the business yet. She had a rock hard body at the time and they spent some time having lunch together and stuff so he figured she liked him. Howard said he once met Renee and thought the same thing because she was so nice to him. He said he only met her for like 5 minutes and he was convinced that she was in love with him.
Artie said he saw Renee at some press coverage event for the movie and he was barely able to get near her at that point. Howard was talking about another scene where he was in bed with Mary McCormack and how great that was. He was making out with her and feeling her up so he was popping a rod in that scene as well. He said that he would jerk off in his dressing room but then he'd come back and pop another rod during the shoot.
Artie said that he remembers what people were saying about Howard's movie and how it was like a great love story. Howard said that he would inject sex into the scenes. In the wedding scene when he grabs Mary and kisses her, that was ad-libbed. He also talked about the scene where he was rubbing Mary's breasts when she was pregnant in one scene. He said that just kind of happened and no one stopped him. He said he was making out with her and rubbing her boobs and she was supposed to be pregnant. He knew that she wasn't pregnant for real so she was still hot under the costume.
Howard said that this guy Phil was writing about him only fighting for himself and how he doesn't give a crap about any other cause. Howard said that of course he's going to fight for himself. He's got CBS coming after his ass with their lawsuit so what is he supposed to do, bend over and take it up the ass? He said he wouldn't be fighting CBS or the FCC if they weren't coming after him. He said that the guy's observation was ludicrous in Howard's opinion. He said that he never claimed to be a crusader, other people may have but he hasn't.
Robin read some of the article to the guys and Howard said that after he read that article he wanted to write a letter to the guy explaining what he's really all about. Howard said the guy is probably jealous that he's making a great living and he's not. The guy comes across as a really angry guy according to Artie. Howard said that's probably why his column is in the back of the paper where you can barely find it.
Howard took another call from Bong Hit Eric who said that he loved the programming they had on Howard 100 and 101 over the weekend. Howard said that he's very happy with the way things are going there at SIRIUS now. He said he was talking to Tim Sabean about what their next move will be. He said he had another caller on the line who thought that the programming was horrible over the weekend. He put him on with Bong Hit and the two of them went back and forth arguing about what they were playing this weekend. The guy kind of changed his tune and said that Howard and the guys have been doing a great job there.
One of the guys asked if Hate Man has called in since they moved to SIRIUS. Howard said he hasn't called in and a bunch of old fans have disappeared since they moved. Bong Hit was really wasted and wasn't able to stay on the phone so everyone could hear him. Howard let him go and ended up talking about the Howard Stern Film Festival that's coming up in April.
Howard mentioned that they have a few guests coming in this morning like Wilmer Valderrama, Jillian Grace and another chick from the Playboy channel there at SIRIUS. He said that one of the girls is going to end up on the Sybian today. The guys spent some time talking about some of the stuff that they've heard Bubba doing on his show lately.
Double A called in and said that he'd like to hear more content on the channels. Howard said that they're working on more stuff and the only person who won't be on will be Double A. Howard said they will be announcing a new show later in the show that will be airing tonight. The show will air after Bubba's show and it will run to midnight or something like that. He's not even sure at this point. He eventually found out that it will run from 8 to midnight on Howard 101.
Double A thinks that his Wack Pack show was so great that they should get another chance to do another one. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. He told him he was crying like a bitch and he should stop already. Howard told him to stop crying, they gave him a couple of shows and he should shut up already. Howard told him he's already in the family and he should stop crying and begging the way he is. Artie wondered why the guy would even want to work, he's a lottery winner who doesn't have to work. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that they have a jam packed week this week. He mentioned the guests they have coming up today. Later this week they have Chris Kattan, Tori Spelling, Darrell Hammond, Carmen Electra, Tera Patrick, Blue Iris and others coming in. Artie said he once wrote a bit for Tori Spelling on MAD TV and her manager got so pissed off by it that he canceled her appearance.
Lisa G came in with a Howard 100 News preview. She said that Shuli was out at a show with Bob Levy and things didn't end to well for Bob Levy. Shuli said that Bob got really drunk and ended up vomiting on stage during the second show on Saturday night. Shuli said that there were some people who ran to the bathrooms while that was going on but there were others who had their fists in the air as if it was the best show ever.
Artie found it hard to believe that Bob could be made to vomit from drinking when he's eaten tons of ass. He wondered how he could top that and figured Bob would have to shit on stage. Artie said that he once did a show when he was trying to stay sober and ended up drinking again because the crowd wouldn't let him do anything until he did drink.
Shuli said that Bob wasn't able to find any ass to eat from until the last show on Saturday night. They did four shows total and didn't find one until that last show. He said that Bob had to hold the crowd hostage until they sent a girl up there to get her ass eaten. Robin was wondering if that will become Bob's next thing, vomiting on stage. Shuli said that Bob is telling people he's trying to clean up his life, meanwhile he's vomiting and eating ass on stage.
Lisa G said that they'll have some audio of that on Howard 100 News today. Shuli had his microphone with him and caught Bob throwing up in the bathroom. Artie said that Bob is like one of those guys who would love to have his gig on the Stern Show but he doesn't think that Bob could actually do it. He's pretty sure that he wouldn't be able to handle getting up that early. Shuli and Artie talked about how neurotic Bob is before the shows he does.
Bob Levy called in and said that he threw up on stage because the guy who ran the thing was taking money for the ads they ran for the show. He was also saying that Artie shouldn't be complaining about how miserable he is because he's not spending 2 nights in the kitchen of a comedy club.
Lisa G told Howard they have another report about how Howard may have some extra money in an account that he's forgotten about. She said that there will be another addition of Page 69 from Will and Jason today on Howard 100 News as well. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said that Gary was talking to a guy at Radio Shack who was telling him that all of their radios come in and go right out within days. The guy didn't know who Gary was, he was just having a conversation about the sales. Howard said that they can't even produce that many radios by that time but Robin thinks that they could get it done.
Howard said that Robin could sit on the Sybian in her panties if she does it. She said that she wouldn't do it in the studio, but maybe in the closet where no one can see her. She said she really doesn't think she could do it in front of anyone. She told the guys that she wouldn't be able to do it at all but Howard was trying to convince her to do it with a Birka on her face.
Robin was thinking things through trying to figure out how she could do it without anyone knowing who it was. Howard said she'd have to do it herself but she was saying that she just can't do it.
Howard took a call from a guy in New Jersey who said that he got his On Demand hooked up and he ended up finding his wife masturbating to one of the Sybian episodes. He was complaining about how the shows they have listed on the web site aren't the shows that are on his cable system. Howard said that Doug explained that to him and every cable company works things differently. They all load the shows at different times. Doug came in and told Howard that they're trying to work with the cable companies to get the shows up in a timely manner. The content is there, the cable companies just aren't getting it on their systems. Howard had to take another break after that.
Wilmer said that when he was down in Venezuela, around the age of 14, he was able to get laid. He had sex before he left there. Howard asked him if he was getting any girls during the high school years. He said he was always trying to figure out how he was going to be able to get a cup of coffee. He joined a theater department in school and eventually went on to get some commercial work. After that he got a job on ''That 70's Show.''
Wilmer said that his parents are so proud that they don't ask for anything so he has to take care of them himself. He said that he bought them a place to live. He's got a sister who did a little modeling so she takes care of herself. He's got a couple of other siblings that he's going to do some stuff for though.
Howard said that Wilmer dated Lindsay Lohan so Artie figured that he must have taken her virginity. Wilmer said he just met her like last year. He's also dated Ashlee Simpson so Artie figured he must have banged her as well. Fred was playing some porn clips of a woman screaming and Wilmer said that it was louder than that.
Wilmer said that his first celebrity date was with Ariana Richards when he was about 17 years old. Howard told him that he's like the Venezuelan John Stamos. Howard asked him if Lindsay's boobs are real. Wilmer said that they are. Artie asked him what it's like to see his dick disappearing into those tits. Wilmer said it's pretty amazing actually.
Howard read that Wilmer also dated Mandy Moore. After every name that Howard mentioned, Artie would say ''You fucked ___?!'' He's nailed a lot of hot chicks from what they can tell. Howard asked him if he got Mandy when he was doing ''That 70's Show.'' Wilmer said that the moral of the story is that everyone should get a sitcom because that's how all of this went down. He told Howard that Mandy is a very attractive girl.
Wilmer went on to say that he's the kind of guy who doesn't hang out in the VIP room roped off from everyone else. He doesn't have that kind of attitude and that's what the women must be attracted to. He said that he could be fired any day now and if he doesn't make friends now, he could lose all of that when he loses his job.
Wilmer told the guys how he met Mandy Moore. He said that they were each other's first loves so Howard figured he took her virginity. He wanted a high five from Wilmer when he heard that. He said he's never taken the virginity of any woman so he doesn't know what that's like. Artie said that the closest he came was being a girl's 14th. Wilmer said that he's a huge fan of the show and he's a bit star struck sitting in the studio this morning.
Howard asked Wilmer what it's like to pop that hymen for the first time. Wilmer was trying to avoid answering the question. He did say that it's not like warm apple pie the first time. He said that it's really good though. Howard asked him if he can get all of the other stuff like oral and things like that. Wilmer said that you have to be into doing all of that stuff when you're in a relationship.
Wilmer said that he met Mandy and told her that she was good looking and that brought the room to a stop because no one talks to her like that. He said he went to pick her up at the hotel and her mother told him that she had changed her shirt 3 times already. He took her out to eat at and took it from there.
Howard said that he needs about 7 hours to interview this guy. He went through the list of the girls he's dated. He asked him about each girl after mentioning their names...
Wilmer told Howard that two things go through your head. He said that ''Holy shit, is this really happening?'' goes through your head and then you concentrate on lasting a long time. Howard asked him if he has to wear a big, thick rubber so he lasts a long time. Wilmer said that all of the girls are pretty normal once you get to know them.
Howard said that he's been with some pretty famous chicks and he's thought about how crazy it is when he realizes who he's banging. Wilmer said that he's been doing ''That 70's Show'' for 8 1/2 years now. It must be a normal thing for him by this time.
Howard asked Wilmer if Lindsay was anorexic when he was dating her. He said that she lost the weight after they dated so she wasn't like that when he was with her. Howard asked her if she had the bright red hair down below. Wilmer said that she didn't have any hair down there and she really pampered herself. He said that she was one of the best girls that he's had in bed too. Artie asked him if he thinks that she's a shittier actor or singer. Howard and Wilmer think that she's a good actress. Wilmer said that she's a very talented girl.
Howard asked Wilmer about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. He said that they're both wonderful people as well. Howard couldn't get over the Lindsay Lohan thing so he got back to that. He read that Lindsay was so jealous of other girls that she would erase numbers from his cell phone. Howard also asked him about Ashlee Simpson and Wilmer said he didn't do her. Howard told him that he would stick his finger up her ass if he was doing her. Wilmer was saying that he didn't have sex with her but the guys weren't going for that.
Howard asked him if he's ever had two chicks at the same time. Wilmer said he would never lie to his fans... yes, he has had two women at the same time. Howard asked him who he's with now. Wilmer said he's single right now. Howard told him that he's out of control and thought that he was lying about not having gotten Jessica Alba.
Howard saw that Wilmer owns a huge house in the San Fernando Valley. Wilmer said that he just bought Chuck Norris' house. He also talked to Howard about the new TV show he has going on with MTV. He said that the show is called ''Yo Mama'' and they do a rank out type thing with the contestants on the show. The winner gets $1,000 and then they have the best of the best come back and compete against each other.
Howard said that it doesn't get better than this guy's life. His new show starts on April 3rd on MTV. Howard asked him who he thinks is the hottest chick out there right now. He mentioned Angelina Jolie. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then went through some ''Yo Mama'' jokes. Wilmer said that he has a couple of favorites that he likes and they're going to get into some pretty harsh stuff when they play it on MTV. Howard wanted to get back to the Lindsay Lohan discussion again. He talked to Wilmer about her for a short time and then Gary came in and said he wanted to ask about a product placement thing he did on Jimmy Kimmel's show.
Howard asked Wilmer about that and Wilmer said that he does get paid to do events for that game he was promoting that day. Howard played the clip they had from that show where Wilmer plugged the game ''Halo 2.'' He worked his way into that discussion pretty smoothly though.
Howard took some phone calls for Wilmer and one guy asked if he had any video of these girls he's been with. Wilmer said that he has videotaped some of his experiences but he's erased them afterward so they don't end up on the web or something.
Double A called in and asked Wilmer if he's done anything with Alyssa Milano. Wilmer said he hasn't been with her. Double A also asked Howard if he would let Beth O work with this guy. Howard said no way to that. He asked Wilmer if he's actually bigger than 8 inches. Wilmer said he is slightly larger than 8. Howard asked if he could measure him. Robin was saying that she was getting turned on just thinking about this guy but she wasn't picturing his 8 inches or anything. Artie told her to look at him to calm herself down.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked if they get stoned for real when they're doing the scenes on ''That 70's Show.'' He said that he doesn't get stoned and never has. He swore on his family that he's never done that. Howard said most people do that stuff to forget their lives, this guy has no reason to do that.
Howard read that Wilmer is going to be in a remake of CHiPs playing the part of Ponch. Howard said he might have to come down to the set and hang out with him sometime. Howard asked him to do a quick F, Marry, Kill game. Here are the names he gave him and what Wilmer said he would do...
Wilmer said that ''That 70's Show'' is coming to an end on May 18th. He said that they were lucky enough to get a second round of syndication and Artie went nuts when he heard that. He said that this dude has to be worth about $15 million right now. Wilmer said that it's very exciting right now because the show did so well. He said that the show came to him and his family when they needed it most. He told Howard that the show will be an hour long and they'll have some behind the scenes stuff. Howard told Wilmer he wants him to come back and talk about if any of these girls have pissed his bed. He asked him if he's had anal with any of the girls, without naming names. Wilmer said 'yes' when he was asked and he wouldn't say who it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Wilmer should call in each Friday, instead of Mike Walker, and he can tell four stories and they have to figure out which one is fake. Another caller said that Artie has to shut up and let the guy talk. Artie said ''fuck you asshole'' and told him to fuck off. Howard told Wilmer he can come in anytime because he is ''the man.'' Howard said he could hang with this guy but he'd have to kill him. He said he was able to hang out with Stamos even though it's a little intimidating. Artie said you get hit with ''pussy shrapnel'' when you hang around guys like that though. Howard took one last call for Wilmer and the guy said that he's a great guest because he was actually talking about this stuff on the show. Howard wrapped up after that call.
Howard said read an article about the seal hunt they have up in Canada. He said that he's become kind of a softie for animals these days. He said he saw a picture of a high school student wrestling a bear and he was wishing for the bear to rip the kid's head off. He said that we really don't need to be involved with animals like that. Robin said when she watched ''Grizzly Man'' she was rooting for the bear and she got her wish because the guy was eaten by the bears he was living with.
Howard said that the new guy who is running the FCC is younger than they are and it's kind of freaking him out. He said he read a quote from the FCC and wanted to talk about it but he wasn't able to find it. He had to dig through a pile of paperwork trying to find it. He said that they're coming out with more fines and he's kind of glad they are. The industry didn't fight the fines when they had the chance so now they're going to pay. He said that they apparently had an argument about the word ''dick'' and ''shit.'' Meanwhile there are people dying over in Iraq. He said that maybe this guy who is running the FCC should have more experience in life before making decisions about whether or not people can say ''dick'' on the air. He doesn't know what they think is going to happen if that word is said.
Howard read one article about David Letterman's race team and how one of his drivers, Paul Dana, died over the weekend. He said he doesn't know why these people want to be involved in that stuff. Shuli said that the guy was a rookie and it was a pretty brutal crash, they had video of it on the news.
Howard said there was a picture of Star Jones coming out of a doctor's office after getting a breast lift. He said that she's losing all of her weight and shaping her body by plastic surgery and he and Robin think that she's almost died from it.
Shuli filled Howard and Robin in on the accident that took the life of Paul Dana. After that Howard said that there's tape out there of the 911 calls that were made from the people who were in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Howard wondered who would want to hear that. Artie said that stuff should be played in the first few minutes of the Wafah Bin Laden show. Howard said that the only reason that people are interested in her is because her uncle Osama is like Hitler. He said he can't imagine losing someone in 9/11 and then finding out that there's tape of their last moments out there.
Howard read a story about a subway accident that happened in Queens recently. This guy fell down the stairs of the subway and his head ended up over the edge of the platform. The train came by and beheaded him. Robin said there was another story about a guy who was out with his friends and ended up losing his legs because he wasn't able to outrun the train. The guy sued the MTA and actually won.
Howard read an article about Barbra Streissand and how Elvis Presley had gone to see her at a show one time. He was still thin at the time and visited her in her dressing room. In the article he was reading it said that Elvis had painted Barbra's toe nails. That's how he got her so Howard asked the guys if they would ever think of doing something like that. Shuli said he would push his girlfriend down and run away if she asked him to do that.
Howard read through a bunch of other stories and spent quite a while talking about Clay Aiken and how he's apparently going to be pictured in the paper with a bunch of women in the near future. He also thinks that Brad Pitt will be dead in the next few months because he's' taken up flying his own airplane. He figures that the first time he has to fly in fog, he's going down.
Howard played the clip and the heater was pretty noisy on low. It gets very loud on Medium and really loud when it's on high. Howard said he can't imagine how anyone could install something like that. The heat just blows in your face when it's running as well. Sal asks Ronnie what he thinks about the system and Ronnie said that if they didn't have that, it wouldn't take care of heating the vehicle. Ronnie came in yelling and asking Howard what he wants from his life. He said that he didn't build the car but Howard told him he does have control over who builds it and he wants a different company to build his next car.
Ronnie was telling Howard that the Playboy channel on SIRIUS is really hot and guys can probably get off to that stuff. He said that the discussions they were having the other day when he was listening were pretty hot. Howard had to go to break before bringing the Playboy channel girls in.
Howard said that Jillian has been on the show a bunch of times and she never had all that much to say so he finds it hard to believe that she's got her own radio show. Jillian said that she can hardly get a word in when she's on his show. Howard also asked her about Pauly Shore and if she's still with him. She said she's not with him but they do text each other once in a while. Pilar told Jillian that she should have offered to sleep with Howard before Pauly. She said that he was already with Beth though so she couldn't do that.
Howard asked Jillian a little more about the guys she's dated out in Hollywood. She said she went out with Dave Gallagher for a short time and he was just way to into himself so she had to get out of that relationship. He had just turned 21 at the time and he didn't have any time for her. She said she was looking for a relationship and he wasn't. Jillian said that she was with him for about 8 months.
Jillian is living in the Bunny house across from the Playboy Mansion. She said that they're not allowed to have guests over at the house so the girls are kind of upset about that. Howard said he also heard that Jillian has to supplement her income by working in a shaving store. She said that she does work at shave place where guys come and get shaved. She can't do a lot of events while she's a Playmate so she does stuff like that.
Howard asked her about who she's dating now. Jillian said she's out of the Hollywood scene and dating a cop now. She was telling Howard about the radio show that she and Pilar are doing. They'll take phone calls about just about anything and they talk about the stuff that callers ask about. They also have Playmates come on the show and they'll talk to them about their lives.
Pilar, who was the August 2004 Playmate, said that their show is not boring like some of the guys think. Howard asked if it was true that they switched out some of the girls from the ''Deal or No Deal'' show because they weren't hot. Pilar said that they did switch some of them out but it probably wasn't because they weren't hot. Howard found out that Pilar has a 90 day rule with the guys she's with. Jillian doesn't have that rule and it didn't take long for Pauly Shore to get her.
Pilar said that she doesn't want guys who have loose ends to be with her. She also asks the guys to get a blood test for STDs for her before they can bang her. Howard read that Pilar had once self-diagnosed herself with leukemia by looking up her symptoms of protruding lymph nodes on the internet. Howard told her never to diagnose herself through the web, that's not the best place to do that.
Howard said it sounds like Jillian and Pilar's show must be boring because they don't like to talk about their relationships. The girls said that they don't like to talk about their past relationships, they will talk about current ones though. The girls were telling Howard how they would answer certain questions. He asked Pilar what they would do if a woman called in and asked about being worried about having a smelly ass. Pilar said that she would suggest taking a shower.
Howard said that you have to call SIRIUS to activate the channel because it's not available to just anyone. There is no extra charge though. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the girls were going to get on the Sybian. The girls said that they won't be doing that in there. Jillian said that she would do that in the privacy of her own home but not on his show. Howard told the girls that they have to lighten up a bit and do some crazy stuff on their show.
Jillian told Howard that she remembers seeing people having sex in the Grotto at the Playboy mansion and how that was one of her most memorable moments of being there. Howard asked Pilar what the most memorable moment for her was. She was telling a story about not seeing anyone having sex in the grotto as being her most memorable moment. Howard didn't seem to understand why that was so memorable but Pilar said it was the one thing that stood out in her mind.
Jillian told Howard about how she got to go up to Hef's room one night when he was having an orgy with a bunch of girls. She said that the girls who are going to be with Hef have to take a bath before getting into bed with him. Jillian said she didn't take a bath because she wasn't going to participate. She said that the girls don't play around in the bathroom either, they just clean up and go into the bedroom. Jillian said that she did get topless when she went into the room but the girls who don't do anything keep their panties on.
Jillian said that she did have someone touch her boobs and she did kiss another woman but she thought that was kind of weird and she's not into that kind of thing. Jillian said that Hef walks into the room with no pants on but with just his shirt on. Jillian thought she was going to get in trouble for talking about this stuff. Howard told her that lots of girls have talked about this stuff, she'll be fine. Jillian said that she never saw Hef's penis. Each girl in bed had a specific job to do there and she found that interesting. Robin asked if she saw Hef finish. She said she thinks that there was a towel involved with that but she's not really sure.
Jillian said that the reason she went up to the bedroom to begin with was because one of the girls had asked her to go up there to ''smoke'' with her. She wanted to do that so she went up with her. Jillian thinks that Hef was able to go more than one time that night but she's really not sure. She said that Hef just laid there in bed on his back and that was it. She said that she thinks that some of the girls are more into it than others. Some of the girls were more into the girls than they were with Hef. There was some 69'ing going on in the bed but none of the girls sat on Hef's face.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked how long that session actually went on for. Jillian said it was probably an hour or so. Ralph said he was going to bust on the girls because they were kind of boring until Jillian started taking about that night with Hef. He still thinks that their show is probably horrible. Howard told the girls that they're going to have to come through with some stories on their show to make it interesting.
Robin asked how Hef gets rid of the girls after he's done. Jillian said that when Hef is done, that's pretty much it for the party. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that the girls should listen to this show that's on in the afternoon on Playboy because that's what they should be doing. The girls said that's not what their show is about though. They said that's no what they want to do but Ronnie was trying to tell them that they should be doing a show like that.
Howard wrapped up with the girls and gave them a plug for their show that airs from 10-11am on Channel 198. He asked them if they would ever kiss Hef if he wanted to. The girls said that they do kiss him when they see him. Pilar said that she would even be his girlfriend if she was the only one. Howard went to break a short time later.
Ferrall asked Artie about how much money he won because he was betting on the college basketball games that were on this weekend. He said that he was betting on teams that have cheerleader's that don't wear panties. He said he's actually down a couple of grand after all of the betting he did.
Ferrall said that there are a lot of people out there gambling and they're all losing their lives because of it. Howard asked how long it will be before SIRIUS fires Ferrall. Ferrall said that will not happen and he is the new and improved Scott Ferrall. He said that he has been fired from every other station he's worked for but he won't get fired from this job.
Ferrall said that this is the greatest day in his career. His show is starting tonight on Howard 101 after Bubba's show. He told Howard about some of the stuff that he'll be talking about on his show tonight and he's got a lot of stuff to cover. Howard asked him what the shortest job he ever had was. Ferrall said it was probably 6 or 7 months. He still thinks that he won't lose this job though.
Howard took a call from a guy who was very happy that they hired this guy because he knows so much about sports. Ferrall said that they'll be talking about sports, entertainment and all kinds of other stuff. It's not just sports. Howard got in a plug for Scott and said that his show will be airing from 8pm to Midnight tonight. He said he's very happy to have him there joining the team. They're having a lot of fun already and it will be more fun now that Scott has joined.
Another caller asked if Scott has passed out from not taking a breath. Scott said he did pass out one time when he grabbed a lamp after getting out of a hot tub while he was still wet. He's never passed out from not taking a breath though. Howard told Ferrall that he's a huge fan and he's very excited to have him there. Scott said he has millions of fans around the country and he will convert them and bring them to SIRIUS.
Jon Hein was in to give a preview of the Wrap Up Show. Scott was talking all over everyone so no one could get a word in. Jon said that Scott would be stopping by the show today. That got Scott talking even more and he said he was ready to talk all day today. Ferrall said that the show will have a lot of energy and that was obvious from the energy he had on this show. His rants are indescribable because he's all over the place.
Jon Hein tried again to talk about what they'd be talking about but Scott was interrupting him. He eventually said that they'll be talking about Wilmer Valderrama's visit and about Jillian Grace and Pilar Lastra's interview. Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to welcome Scott Ferrall but Scott was talking all over him as well.
Scott got in a bunch of thanks for everyone who made the whole thing happen with the new show there. Howard wrapped up with him after that and told Scott not to fuck everything up. Howard said that he would be hell to fire, he'd probably just show up to work even after being fired.
Howard said that the first time he heard Scott was when he did a week's worth of shows. He didn't know what the hell they were doing when he listened to the first show. Then he tuned in to the second show and got hooked. He said that now he gets it and he thinks the guy is great.
Howard took a couple of phone calls about Ferrall and people are looking forward to hearing his show. Jeff the Drunk called in to talk to Scott but he had already left by that point. Jeff didn't have anything to say so he said goodbye right before Robin started her news.
The caller brought up Heidi Cortez and her Tissue Time show. Tim Sabean came in and told Howard that she's back on as of last week doing a 5 minute show at midnight. Howard didn't even know it was back on until Tim told him about it.
Howard took a call during the news and the guy was talking about how desperate XM seems to be these days. They're giving away radios now trying to get people to sign up. Howard spent a short time talking about that and then the guy interrupted and asked Artie how many Devil Dogs he's eaten since he got the crate of them from the fan who dropped it off. Howard did a quick count and found that he's only eaten a few boxes since then. He said he was kind of surprised by how few he's actually eaten.
Another caller said that he was trying to get a hold of a SIRIUS radio toward the end of last year and he was never able to find one in the stores. He believes that they could have sold a lot more radios if they just had the stock out there. Howard was saying that they may have been able to break XM sooner if they just had the radios available. It's almost as if SIRIUS is daring people to try and join.
Artie said that he went to buy a new car the other day and Mercedes is offering the first 6 months free for the build in SIRIUS radios. Howard told Artie that buying a car is different though, it's the portable and smaller tuners that people are having trouble getting. Artie suggested that all of those people just go buy new cars with the tuner built in. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about Scott Ferrall's first show that aired last night. He said he called in to the show but barely got a word in. He said he watched The Sopranos last night and then tuned in for that show. He was also saying that he forgot to plug the Riley Martin radio show that aired last night. He only heard 15 minutes of the replay this morning but he was strangely transfixed to Riley's voice.
A listener called in and told Howard that Riley's show was great and that's the kind of stuff he wants to hear on his stations now. Howard said that Riley wants people to believe that he was taken aboard a space ship and he tries to convince people that they can also get on that ship. Howard did an impression of Riley doing his thing and talked about some of the stuff that Riley was doing on the show. He had Robin laughing as he was doing that impression. Howard said that Riley was talking about the aliens looking kind like Elmer Fudd.
Howard said that maybe they can find out when they're going to replay the show so everyone can tune in and listen. He said he would like it if they gave him a nice big card that mentions what they have airing on Howard 101 that night so he can promote it. Robin was kind of upset that she missed the show, she really wanted to hear him. Howard wondered if Riley has another show in him or if he blew his load on that one show. They may have to give him another chance.
Howard continued to do his impression of Riley talking to the fans that call in and dealing with people calling him names. Artie said that Riley reacted violently to one of Sal's prank calls one time so he's not sure how he would handle the brutal calls that might come into his show. Artie also wondered how Riley could be any worse than Scott Shannon, a local DJ.
Gary came in and told Howard that Riley wasn't taking phone calls last night because he must have known that the fans were going to goof on him. The caller Howard had on the line asked to come in for the Daniel Carver roast but it was all packed so Howard had to turn him down.
Another caller asked Howard if he heard the part where Riley Martin was talking about why he was chosen as the one to speak to the aliens. Howard heard that so he was doing his impression again. He continued to goof on him for a short time. Then another phone caller did a little bit of an impression of Riley and told Howard how insane the guy sounded. He said that the show was like a train wreck and he had to listen. Howard said he loves train wreck shows but he doesn't care that much about shows with the Wack Packers in them. He said he got bored with those but not with Riley.
Howard took another call and that guy liked it as well. Howard said he didn't hear the whole thing but the 15 minutes he did hear were pretty good. He said it's almost like a guy telling a ghost story while sitting around a camp fire. Howard isn't sure that Riley has another show in him. He's thinking that people are going to say that it's just too much Riley Martin if they put him on again. Robin said that maybe they could put him on once a month to give an 'Alien Update.'
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Howard for what he's doing. That led to Howard saying that everyone is digging having the show on 24 hours a day now. The fans are thrilled that they can listen at any time they want now. Robin said that she gets to listen to more Bubba with the replays of his show on the weekends too. The caller was also saying that he really enjoyed Riley's show and he'd like to hear it about once a week.
A phone caller asked Howard if he thinks that Daniel Carver would be racist toward aliens if they were for real. Howard said he thinks that he probably would be against them because they wouldn't be white. Fred played a clip of Riley Martin leaving a message for Howard asking about when he was going to get his radio show. His delivery and annunciation are great so Robin was getting a few laughs out of that.
Howard wondered if there was ever a time in Riley's life where he almost made it. Maybe there was a time when he wasn't even into the alien thing. Robin said there was a time when he had a few people who followed him around. Howard remembered that it was only about 3 people though. Another caller told Howard he thought the Riley show was pretty good. He didn't like the sidekick because he didn't have much to say but Howard thought the guy was just trying not to get in the way, that's why he wasn't talking much.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if it would be okay to record himself sitting on hold listening to the show for his film festival entry. Howard told him that was okay with him. The caller also asked if it was okay to wear a Beetlejuice mask in the movie. Howard, as Riley, was answering all of the questions and telling the guy that all of that stuff was okay. Even the callers were doing their Riley impressions when they were calling in.
One guy told Howard that he was listening to the replay of Howard's show and they were playing it in the wrong order. Howard figures that they just played it back in the wrong order accidentally. Gary came in and told Howard that he heard about the problems they had with the replay so Howard told him that they really need to get that in order and fix the problem.
Fred played a prank call that was made using clips of Riley Martin's voice. Howard then took a call from a guy who said that he's one of the guys who doesn't like Ferrall. Howard told the guy that he wasn't into his show at first but after a couple of listens, he got interested in it and now he loves the show.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy was telling Howard how great the show has been. The guy was getting into a few too many details so Howard cut him off and thanked him for the call.
Howard said that 30 percent of his old audience has either joined them or have said that they will be joining them there at SIRIUS. He said that there are still some people out there saying that the fans are just going to stick with terrestrial radio. He said that it was like that with cable TV when it first came out, no one believed that people would pay for TV, but they eventually did. He said he believes the same thing will happen with satellite radio.
Howard said he doesn't believe that any other radio guy could bring over 30 percent of his audience like he may do. He went on to read more about the New York ratings. Artie said that there are some contradicting articles about the ratings. Some people are putting a positive spin on them and some are spinning a negative story. Howard said he so doesn't care what they do over there (at Free FM). He said that he's shut up about his law suit for now but he's working on his ''third stage'' of the attack on CBS. He was saying that CBS makes 2 billion a year and they're suing his little ass. He said they just can't let go and they should quit their belly aching and go figure out what to do with their radio division.
Howard said that CBS got the bargain of the century when he was working for them because he made billions for them and they never offered him a partnership or anything like that. He said they can go f-themselves.
Howard said that if he polled the fans right now, they would think that the guy is gay. Jim kept trying to get off the subject but Howard stuck with it. The guy was laughing at what Howard was saying and Artie thought that he sounded like he was on acid or something. Howard thinks that the guy has sucked a few penises in his life. The caller changed subjects again and brought up the car that Howard bought for Robin. He said that he should have bought her a Bentley but Robin said that she doesn't want one. Howard asked the guy if he's ever had a gay sexual experience with a man. The guy said that he can't answer that but Howard eventually dragged it out of him.
Jim said that he wanted to disguise his voice and then got into the story. He said he was sitting next to a guy at a restaurant one time and the guy put his hand on his leg. He figured he could handle it so he finished his dinner. The guy then invited him to come back and stay at his apartment. He was a little drunk so he went over there. The guy only had one bed so he figured it would be okay to sleep on one side. As soon as they got in bed the other guy jumped on him. Jim was already naked in bed because that's the way he sleeps.
Jim said that the guy went right down on him and gave him oral. He said the other guy wanted him to jack him off while he was doing that to him. He said that reminded him of his brother who would ask him to jerk him off. He never did that but he was asked. Jim said that when he came, he got out of there as soon as he could. The other guy came on his stomach even though he didn't want him to.
Howard seems to think that kind of thing has happened to this guy again and again. Jim claims it hasn't but he was denying that he'd ever had a gay experience at all when he first asked him about it. Howard said that his wish is going to come true and this call is going to be replayed over and over again throughout the day. Howard told Jim he thinks that he's very gay. He asked him when he was last with a woman. Jim said it was about a year ago. Howard thinks the guy is a bit confused about his life. Fred played the Brokeback Mountain theme song but Jim was talking over it. He was trying to tell Howard about a funny segment they did on the show one time but the moment wasn't so funny to the rest of the guys. Artie thought he was putting them on.
Howard let Jim go and told him to call in again sometime. He was thinking about giving him his own radio show after hearing that voice of his. Artie was doing an impression of him and wondered what the fuck is up his ass. He goofed on him about the way he was talking about that funny moment that wasn't all that funny. Howard had to go to break a short time after that.
Howard said that Beth went to the premiere of ''Basic Instinct 2'' last night and he told her that she probably wouldn't make it through the whole thing. She was wearing a dress that looked like it was half missing. He told her that she couldn't go out like that without him. He said it was so short that he thought he could see a little vag.
Beth came home pretty quick and didn't make it through the whole movie. She was telling him that there was a scene where Sharon Stone was getting fingered by a black guy. Back when the first Basic Instinct movie came out, she was complaining that she didn't know that her vag was going to be shown in the movie. Now she's showing it and bragging about it.
Howard had a clip of Sharon on Letterman's show last night and he said he's really not a fan of hers. Howard said he can't even remember the plot of the first movie even though he did like it at the time. He couldn't remember what happened at the end of the movie. Artie said that if it was a great movie, they would remember it. Robin said that the movie is not The Godfather, when you pass it on the dial, you keep moving. She was also telling Howard that Sharon has done some great things for raising money for AIDS research and stuff.
Howard said that David Letterman was saying some words about the IRL driver that was killed in Florida. It was one of his drivers who was killed. Howard thought that he sounded like he didn't really want to be talking about that on the show. Dave said goodbye to Paul Dana who was killed when he collided with another car. Dave said that Dana's family has the thoughts and prayers of the whole Rahal/Letterman team. Robin thought that it sounded pretty heartfelt to her. Howard wasn't sure before he listened but he was going with Robin on that.
Howard said he finally watched this week's episode of The Sopranos, a day late. He liked the show and so did Fred. Fred was kind of upset with last week's episode which was a dream sequence that he hated. The guys spent a few minutes talking about the episode and what was going on. Howard said he loved a couple of scenes in the show and played a little bit of one scene where the guys were having a meeting about a movie they wanted to create. Howard said that it was an A+ episode, just like Fred said it was.
Howard took a call from a new fan who said he's been listening off and on for the past couple of weeks. He said he's really been enjoying the show since he started tuning in. Howard said that's what they're hoping to get more of now that they're on SIRIUS.
Lisa said that they'll also be talking about the upcoming Howard Stern Film Festival because there are actually casting calls going on. There will be some interviews with the upcoming Daniel Carver roast comedians on Howard 100 News as well.
Gary told Howard he had the Page 69 audio for him to play so he went ahead and did that. Will and Jason talked about Artie not being able to buckle his seat belt when Scott DePace was taking him home. Jason was saying that they do make seat belt extender's so he might want to look into that. Jason has gained a few pounds himself though so Howard pointed that out. Will and Jason were also talking about how Richard Christy had some cheesecake that was so good that he got a boner while eating it. Jason told a story about how Penny Crone had tried to set up Ashley the hot intern with her son. Howard cut off the clip and said that the music was a bit too loud for that whole thing. Artie said he wanted it a little louder actually.
Matt told Howard that Kristy was pretty much at the bottom of the barrel as far as movies and other work. She was offered a sequel to ''Roadhouse'' or the chance to do the ''Skating with the Stars'' thing and she went with the skating. She needed to make some money and she had to grasp on to something. Matt said he's really not that bitter about losing Kristy. He said that he was upset at first but now he's over it.
Matt said that he was there at the taping of the skating show and he saw it all go down. They were all hanging out together and he started to pick up the vibe that there was something going on between Kristy and her skating partner. He said that they all went to a comedy show one night and Matt was sitting with her with the other guy, Lloyd, sitting across the table. When Matt went to go smoke a cigarette, Lloyd sat in his seat. Then he saw him putting his hand on her leg and didn't think that he could see what was going on.
Howard said that if he saw that stuff going on, he'd confront the guy right there and walk out on them. Matt said that he couldn't kick the guy's ass or anything like that. Artie said that would have been fine to do right there, the guy was stealing his chick away. Matt said he did have a big blow up about it that night and he did confront Lloyd about it. Matt said that Lloyd was saying that she had pulled a muscle and that's why he was rubbing her leg.
Howard took a couple of calls and one guy thought Matt was lying about this whole thing. Another guy wanted to know why he's blasting Kristy by talking about this on the air. Matt said that he thinks the whole thing is funny to him and he wants to get on the air and talk about it.
Howard asked Matt if he was banging Kristy at the same time Lloyd was. He said he probably was but things actually got worse for him. He said he found a card that Lloyd had sent to Kristy and it was almost a love note. He said that the note said something about him liking it when they skate together and skate was in quotes.
Howard asked if it was true that he found the two of them sleeping together one time. Matt said that they had gone out to a taping of the show and he went home to rest. He went to go into the hotel room where she was staying and it turns out she had Lloyd in the room and the front desk guy gave her a warning call. He could hear her scuffling around in the room and then heard the sliding glass door open. He walked around back and saw him jumping off the balcony.
A phone caller told Howard that this guy is full of it and the only reason he's upset is because he lost his meal ticket. Another guy told Howard that Kristy is 20 pounds overweight and she's dating the only straight skater out there so this guy is a loser and he should hand up on him.
Howard said he'd talk to Matt more but he has Chris Kattan to get to. Matt told Howard he has a lot more to talk about too so he'll call back. Howard let Matt go and asked him to forgive him for cutting him off early.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Chris is gay. He let the guy go off on him a little bit but he didn't have all that much to say. He just said that Chris is a homo and that was about it. Howard asked Chris how long he's been off of Saturday Night Live. He said he's been gone for about 3 years now. It was kind of strange because he was working 6 days a week over there. He eventually got over it and got a life. Chris is doing some movies now. He's in a new movie that's coming out later this week called ''Adam and Steve.''
Howard asked him what he's doing now that he's out in Los Angeles. Chris said that when he has some time off he just lives life to make himself a better entertainer. Chris was getting some shocks from his headset so that distracted him for a short time.
Howard said he only had about 4 minutes with Chris so he quickly went over the movie and talked to him about that a little bit. Chris talked about how great it was working on Saturday Night Live because he could do his Mr. Peepers bit and hump Katie Holmes' head and slap J-Lo's ass. That's the kind of great stuff he got to do over there. Howard gave him some plugs for his new movie ''Adam and Steve'' and asked him if he wanted to do other characters from SNL, would Lorne Michaels get involved in that. Chris said that he would because they own all of those characters.
Chris was telling Howard that when SNL became too much of a job, that's when he had to get going. Howard read that Chris is dating someone by the name of Sunshine Tutt. Chris said that's her real name too. They spent a short time talking about that and about the other people that he's dated. He's also dated model Jennifer Jimenez and someone by the name of Jane Herman. There were some notes about Chris going out to Nobu and throwing food at other people.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Chris about all of the guys who had problems with him when he was on SNL. Norm Macdonald and Jim Breuer's names both came up. Chris said he used to break Norm's balls and Norm really didn't like that. He said he doesn't think that Norm hated him, he just didn't like to have his balls broken.
Howard asked if it was true that Chris dated ''Stiffler's mom'' Jennifer Coolidge. Chris said he did date her about 15 years ago and she was very hot back then. He said she was hotter back then but she's still sexy. Ralph called in and asked Chris if he's skull fucked Sunshine until she puked. Chris said that's funny because he just did that this morning.
Chris got shocked again by the headset so he yelled out for about the third time. Howard tried to calm him down and asked him if he's ever had a woman tongue his ass. Chris said that has happened once but it's not that common. Gary came in and told Howard he had to get Chris out of there, he has to go to the WB to do an interview. Howard said that the WB isn't going to ask him about getting his salad tossed.
Howard gave Chris another plug for his movie. Chris had been making fun of one of the callers who asked to hear an audio clip and asked to hear someone getting shit on. Howard actually had a clip like that so he played it for him before they had to go to break.
Gary came in and told Howard that Sal has been watching Howard too closely these days. He was watching the TV screen in his office and Sal said that Howard needs to shave his chest hair, he's noticed over the past few days that it's too much. Howard thinks that if he asked Sal to suck him off, he would do it. He believes that the guy is so into him that he would do anything he asked him to.
Sal came in and said that Howard is more than just a man, he's an entity that has an impact on millions of people each day. There are probably a lot of people out there who would suck him off but he wouldn't do it himself. Sal was telling Howard that it's not a gay issue, it's in the form of an entity. Howard asked Sal if he bent over and told him to stick his tongue up his ass, he would probably do it. Sal thinks that Howard is a separate life form and he's almost beyond god-like. He said that Howard would be beyond God-like because what he does is elicit a positive feeling for the people who listen.
Gary told Sal that not everyone who listens gets that positive feeling. Sal said that most do though and he looks at Howard like a beautiful car and when he notices something like the chest hair, he points it out. Artie told Sal to tell everyone he's just joking around because it was so creepy. Sal said he was kidding but he was kidding about kidding.
Robin said that she's going to have a party at her home and she doesn't believe that she can invite him there now that Sal has done all of these strange things. Howard doesn't feel comfortable with him either and he wouldn't invite him to his place either. He asked Sal to stop having these gay thoughts about him. He sent him away and said that he would never tell someone not to have someone over to her house but with Sal, he has to do that.
Artie thinks that Sal is certifiable after hearing that explanation. Howard was a little freaked out by the whole thing. Artie said it's funny that Sal is more hen pecked than Gary and gayer for Howard than even Ralph is.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked if Howard really feels uncomfortable with Sal. Howard said that he will stop and talk to Sal and Richard off the air sometimes and they're both really good guys. But then when there's a social situation, Sal works the whole time, really hard, to do things with him. He said that there was one moment at his birthday party earlier this year where Sal slid over on his knees to pretend to give him oral. He said he knows he would hate it if he went to Robin's party and Sal was there. He's pretty sure he'd be miserable.
Howard said that Sal has some kind of illness and it's really bothering him. He said he wants Sal to go on Meet the Shrink and if Sal doesn't want to do it, he's going to make it a mandatory thing.
Howard said that he likes to hear a good argument like this. He played some more of the interview where Hannity was calling Alec a third rate actor and Alec was calling him a no-talent hack. Alec ended up leaving the studio after Mark Levin asked him why his wife is so mad at him. That comment got to him and he walked right out. Brian Whitman said that's not what they want there on the show and he seemed to be a bit lost after that. Artie thought it was kind of funny at one point when Alec was eating and going off on Hannity.
Howard got back to the Mancow thing and said that he's got a syndication deal but he's only getting ratings in markets that are easily conquerable. He said that he wouldn't care if Mancow took over for him but the guy doesn't get any ratings. He said he was on the FOX and Friends show and he was bombing until he started to go off on Howard Stern.
Howard played a clip of Mancow telling a lame joke about why Buck Owens had passed away. He had a few other lame jokes that weren't flying so then he was talking about Sean Hannity having Howard on his show and how that was a misstep on his part. Mancow also said that Howard Stern is ''dying on satellite'' which isn't exactly the case. Artie said that this guy Mancow is really annoying and sounds almost like Elegant Elliot Offen. He said he hadn't hear this guy's show until now although he was supposed to do the show one time to promote a gig he was doing years ago. The promoter told him that they have their ''own Howard Stern'' therein Chicago and it turned out to be Mancow. Artie said that there was no way he was going to wake up early in the morning to do a show with a guy who calls himself Mancow.
Howard went on to talk about these guys who have tried to become him over the years and how they can't get an article written about them without using his name.
Howard brought up a survey that was done about radio ratings and how 70 percent of Howard's listeners are planning to stay with terrestrial radio. Howard said the other side of the coin is that 30 percent of them are coming over with him and that's pretty amazing if you think about it. No one else out there can bring 30 percent of their audience with them like he has. They don't think that anyone else is going to come over to SIRIUS and all of Howard's fans that are going to SIRIUS have already moved.
Howard said that this 30 percent is just the beginning, there will be more. Howard wants this guy Jacobs, who did the survey, should retire and call himself a hack when he's proven wrong. He said that satellite is real radio where they can talk about things like salad tossing without being censored.
Howard said that he had a clip from Scott Ferrall's show where he started off his show singing along to a Rolling Stones song. He played that and got a few laughs from Robin. Howard said he could picture Scott singing because his face gets all red and he gets out of breath when he's talking so much.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if there was anything that Sal could do for the show that would make Howard change his mind about letting him in his apartment. Howard said there is nothing he could do and he would never let Sal come to his apartment.
Howard said that he's been reading about the ratings that David Lee Roth and they're still including his show in the 3 month ratings. He said he'd like to hear more about the other guys who are on his old station and about the other guys who have replaced him around the country.
Howard gave Robin a little taste of Riley Martin's radio show from last night. He wanted to move on to the next guests but gave Robin a little bit of what they cold listen to later on. That led to Howard doing his impression of Riley again. He was doing some of the lines he remembers from last night's show. He wanted to hear the clip where Riley talked about the aliens looking like Elmer Fudd. Robin and Artie wanted to hear all of that stuff but Howard had to get to the girls who were going to be riding the crazy sex machines. He went to break so they could prepare for that.
Tomcat is a webmaster who doesn't use any of the machines herself. She just runs the web site. She has 3 porn stars in to test them out for Howard. The machines are made by the FuckingMachines.com machine shop. She said they don't actually sell any of the machines that they make though. They just use them for their porn site.
The first porn star to be interviewed was Harmony. She said that the machines all work very well and ''hit the spot'' every time. She told Howard that she hasn't been in any particular movies that he would know. Tomcat said that Harmony does have a unique thing that she can do, she can take two cocks at the same time. Harmony said it might be tough for the guys. She said that she just sits there while the guys are doing their thing. She was also saying that she started getting into sex at 14 and she's always been very promiscuous. Howard liked the flat belly she had but Gary pointed out the ''happy trail'' she had on her belly.
Howard asked Harmony a few questions about her life and then moved on to Dana DeArmond. She said that she's kind of a nerd and she doesn't have that many men approach her. Howard spent a short time talking to her about the bondage that she likes to do. She showed Howard her breasts and Howard thought they looked pretty nice. She claims that they're real. Harmony also claims that hers are real. Annie Cruz also said that her's are real so Howard asked to see them. She's 21 years old and Howard said that's what 21 year old boobs are supposed to look like.
Annie told Howard that she's had 9 guys at one time. She said she met a bunch of guys while she was out one time and said that she could take them all on so that's what she did. She wasn't even doing it for a movie or anything. She also once had sex outside of a convent in a hammock. She said she was in college at the time.
The girls were all saying that they think like guys and want to fuck anyone. Annie said that she will do just about anyone if they ask. One of the girls said that she's more attracted to chicks though. Annie said that she's already done Harmony in a scene for the web site. She was talking about getting fisted in the ass. She said that she could probably fit a soda can up there if she wanted. She said that she can fit just about anything up there.
Harmony said that she just started doing anal so she's not ready to go that far yet. She said that she's been fisted in the pussy but not the in the rear. The girls said that they can orgasm from that stuff. Howard jokingly said that the biggest thing he's had up his ass is a nail polish bottle. Annie said that there was one girl who got her ass so screwed up she had to have surgery.
One of the girls said that she was 5 years old when she got a hold of some porn on her TV. She said that she eventually discovered masturbation from that. Dana was telling Howard about her first woman that she had when she was about 20. Her first kiss with a woman was at about 18 though. She said she'll also take the fist like the other girls as well.
Howard moved on to the machines. The first one they were going to use was the Lick-A-Chick which is a bunch of tongues on a machine so that it tongues the girls while it's running. The girls all got naked and Tomcat gave Howard a description of the machine. The licking machine was a Milwaukee Magnum chain saw that had been modified. It has it's own lube that drips on the tongues as it's running. Annie was first up and she had the licking machine get her off within about 30 seconds. She squirted when she got off and Gary got some of her juice on him. He got it in his eye and he was ready to go to the hospital.
Gary sounded like he was kind of pissed because he didn't have a warning that she was going to squirt. Howard was amazed that the machine was so violent. Annie said that she once squirted 50 times in a row and it's pretty insane. Gary said that he was really pissed off because no one gave him a heads up that it was going to happen. Annie said that she once squirted 10 feet.
Artie asked to run the machine because he used to run one years ago. Annie was going to stay and take it again so Artie covered up and ran the machine on her. Annie lasted a little longer this time but she got off within about a minute. This time Mike Gange got hit with her squirt. She said that was even better the second time than it was the first. Robin said that she sprayed everywhere. Artie said he got it on his hands.
Howard wanted to bring out another machine so they brought out the Trespasser which is a modified blender. It was modified so it can be used to move a dildo back and forth. Tomcat described the machine to everyone and then Harmony hopped on a chair to demonstrate. It had a giant, 8 inch dildo mounted on it. Harmony got in the doggy position and prepared to take it. Dana was going to ''drive'' the machine. The machine moves back and forth about 4 inches according to Tomcat.
Harmony was asking for it to go faster and faster and moaning as the blender sound was going on in the background. They turned the machine on high speed and it actually locked up. They had to do some repairs on it so Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was incredible. The Tech was working on the machine so Howard spoke to the girls for a short time. He was saying that he wouldn't be able to handle Harmony in bed because this stuff was way too intense.
Dana asked to use the Fucksall to get off. Howard asked if that was safe because it looked pretty intense. Dana said she's used it before and she really likes it. Gary asked her if she's going to squirt. She said she doesn't squirt so he didn't have to worry about that. Annie was going to work the machine. They did a little setup on that one and then Tomcat got in there and actually worked the machine. She went faster and faster with Dana and she was asking for it to go even faster. She sounded like a goat because of the way she was vibrating and moaning. She didn't get off quite as fast as Annie did earlier. She lasted a couple of minutes before she finished.
Howard said that Dana was shaking and could barely move. She sounded like a Billy goat to Howard and the girls said that's why they call her ''The Goat.'' Benjy asked Annie if they could take her out on the street and find a guy for her to bang. He said he doesn't believe her but Annie said that she was ready to go. The rest of the guys were amazed by what they had just seen. Robin said she was afraid that she was going to get hurt because of how intense that machine was.
Gary said that the whole thing makes him feel very inadequate because there's no way he can come close to making a girl feel that way. The girls said that it actually makes it easier for a girl to orgasm because they know more about their bodies after using those things.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they were serious because he will never be able to look at power mixers or power saws the same way again. Howard said that all of the girls were very beautiful and it was amazing what they just did. Tomcat said that they have about 30 machines that they use on the web site.
Gary was still thinking about the way he had been sprayed so a phone caller said he wouldn't have a problem if he was wearing his bee keeper's mask. Howard said that's true and he should have had it on. Bob Levy called in and said that he was sitting in the back of his car as his dick was driving in the front seat. Ralph also called in and asked what's wrong with these girls. Howard said there's nothing wrong with them, they're just not uptight. Ralph said this was beyond sex though.
Another phone caller asked how he can get a date with one of these girls. Gary said it's apparently as easy as just asking. A few other callers talked about how amazing this sounded to them. Howard asked if any of the girls wanted to try out anymore machines. Annie wanted to test out the Magic Wand so Howard had her do that as he was getting ready to go to break. Annie got on the thing and got herself off pretty quick again. She only squirted a little bit so she put it back down there and got off a second time within just a few seconds.
Annie got in a plug for her web site AnnieCruz.com and Dana got one in for her site DanaDeArmond.com. Howard went to break right after that.
Artie said that he realized that he had gotten splattered on his hands from the chick who squirted. The first squirt ended up hitting about 5 people. Howard said that he was in the bathroom taking a leak after all of that and thinking about his miserable, shriveled up penis. He said he wouldn't be able to pleasure anyone after seeing what those girls were taking.
A caller told Howard that he masturbated 3 times during that segment and went through an entire box of tissues. Robin said that she saw Artie light up for a short time but then his face changed after he saw what was going on. Another caller told Howard he doesn't know how anyone can listen to ''ballsack radio'' anymore because they can't do anything like that on the air. Howard said that what those girls were doing is the kind of crazy stuff that only guys do. It was crazy.
Howard said that if they did that interview at K-Rock, it would have gone something like this ''So you guys have a web site and some machines, thanks for coming in.'' Artie said they probably would have hit the delay on the word ''machines'' because it would make people think they were talking about something sexual.
Howard thought that the girls all looked pretty good and Artie said that there was no one under a 7 in that group. Benjy said he really liked Dana but they all became hotter and hotter as the interview went on. Howard said that even Robin was watching all of that going on in disbelief. He asked her if she wishes that she could be that free with her body. Robin said that she likes the preciousness of sharing that stuff with just a few people. She would never want to do that. She knows that there are women out there who will sleep with anyone and that's just a nightmare as far as she's concerned. She said there's no love in those relationships that they have.
A construction worker called in and said that he's never going to look at power tools the same way. Howard said that some of that stuff was scary to him. Another caller told Howard that he actually forgot what he wanted to talk to him about after that sex segment. Howard took a few more calls and let the guys talk about what they thought about what had just gone on.
Howard pointed out his shriveled up penis again and said that he's about a half inch today. He used to say that he'd like to f the shit out of a chick but now he's going to say that he's barely going to f them. Another caller changed the subject and said that Wilmer Valderrama is on Tony Danza's show this morning just boring the crap out of everyone because he's not talking about anything like they did on yesterday's show.
George said that they will be talking about the sex machine segment during today's news. Penny Crone will be doing a report about hygiene for when you use those machines. Robin was saying she didn't want to touch those girls when she met them. She was kind of freaked out by the whole thing. Artie pointed out that Benjy eats while all of that is going on.
George said that they'll be talking about the weight gains and losses that the crew have had lately. Artie's trouble with his seat belt the other day. George said they'll also be talking about the upcoming Daniel Carver Roast and the Howard Stern Film Festival.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about the sex machine segment during the Wrap Up Show. They will be talking to the guys who were involved in the squirting. Scott the Engineer was telling them that it was the biggest clean up they've ever had to do. Riley Martin and Chris Kattan will also be the subjects that they'll be discussing.
Howard took some more phone calls and then had Robin start her news. He was still stunned by what had gone on earlier so he couldn't get over it. He took more calls about what went on and asked Gary if he was okay. Gary said that he was a little shell shocked by the whole thing. He said the face thing was okay but it got in his eye too. He said that he'd probably be the first one to get AIDS through his eye if that girl wasn't clean. Artie said he could have been hit if he didn't have a towel on his head when that girl squirted.
Ralph called in again and said that this was one wild show and that one segment should be put on a loop for the whole day. Howard said he thinks that this may force them to have a human sacrifice because that's about as far as they could possibly go.
A guy called in and told Howard that he called his friends in England and played the show for them over the phone so they could hear what was going on. The guy said it was crazy and he loves it. He would love it if they could get the show over in England.
Howard said he told those girls not to fake what they were feeling and they sure didn't. Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Howard if he has been treated better there at SIRIUS than he was ever treated at K-Rock. Howard said the best thing about this job is that they don't bother him there at SIRIUS. Mike also asked Howard what movie he thinks will make more money, ''Beer League'' or ''Basic Instinct 2.'' Howard said that Beer League will probably make more. Robin said that was a good question actually. That led to Howard playing a clip of Sharon on Letterman's show acting wacky. Robin finally got to her news after that.
Howard talked about how the girls that were on today really opened his eyes as far as sexuality goes. He said that sometimes you want some girls who are willing to just have sex with you and that's what they had today. A little later in the show a woman asked Howard what the guys feel like doing after all of the sexual stuff. Howard said that he feels fine about it except for the part where Gary got hit in the eye with the one girl's squirt. None of the guys were feeling all that sexual, they were kind of freaked out by the whole thing. Howard was kind of confused by the whole thing. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he had ribs to give away on the show. He said it's the first time he's ever had ribs to give away. He then moved on to talk about getting back into working out and how he managed to screw up his voice doing that. Artie has been working out as well and it's just making him hungry. Howard said that he was feeling good for the past few days. He started to work out gradually and now he's feeling like crap.
Howard said that he was looking right at Evil Dave this morning and it wasn't working out for him. He wanted to hide him from his view. Dave had a couple of jokes for him about Bubba the Love Sponge Show. Robin said that she's been informed that she has to leave her studio so Daniel Carver can sit in there during the roast. Howard said that's for safety reasons and she'll be displaced for about an hour or so. Gary said they don't have an alternative right now so if she has a better suggestion, then she should let them know.
Robin said that she's not thrilled about having Daniel in her office because she has her purse in there. She was pissed at Gary because he didn't tell her until yesterday after the show. Gary said they gave her 24 hours to move her purse. Evil Dave interrupted and said that he heard that Robin was called a cuntface recently, and that's what he calls his own mother.
Robin was very irritated at Gary and kept telling him to shut up. Gary was asking her what else they're supposed to do. She said that today is not the day to ask her what to do, it's too late. Dave interrupted again so Howard told him that maybe he should go into Robin's booth so he doesn't have to look at him. Dave asked Howard to move his nose, he can't see Robin. He was on a roll this morning.
Dave was doing pretty good until he used the name Alexis Smith instead of Alexis Stewart so Howard told him to take a breather. A listener called in and gave Robin a couple of ''Wahs!'' for Robin since she was complaining about the move.
Howard was saying that this roast today will be the final one in his studio. They're going to move the roasts to other places and they may be recording them out in the lobby or in the ''fish bowl'' studio next to the lobby.
Another caller was saying that he's getting the feeling that Robin is acting like she's being moved to the back of the bus or something. Gary chimed in and said that the bus is Howard's bus so Robin should do whatever she's asked to do without complaining. Robin was acting like a baby and making sounds telling Gary that's what he sounds like in her ear. Gary told her that's what she sounds like to the audience.
Howard took another call and that guy asked Robin what her solution was. She said that she could have had more warning about what was going to happen. Gary said he apologized to her yesterday and she's left her studio many times in the past. She was complaining about the audience she was going to have to climb over to get out there. Gary said that they're all in the same situation.
While Gary was talking to Robin, Sal the Stockbroker was in his office in a monkey outfit with a ''Moron'' sign over him. Gary ended up throwing a bunch of stuff at Sal and chased him out of the office. Gary came into the studio and told Howard that it's getting to be a bit much with Sal and Robin this morning. He wasn't looking for a fight today.
Howard wondered if that fluid can transmit HIV and things like that. Benjy believes it could from what he's read. Howard and the guys were trying to figure out if something like that could be transmitted that way or not. Howard doesn't believe it can and Artie said that you only get AIDS by fucking a guy up the ass. Gary said he was talking to Bubba the Love Sponge last night and they figured if it was pee, it would have burned his eye.
Gary's wife heard about the whole thing second hand. She figured that he had been peed on so that's what Gary told her it must have been. Evil Dave was trying to tell another joke but he was having trouble reading his written jokes.
The caller Howard had on the line was telling him that he thinks the replay of the show is the greatest part of SIRIUS. Howard agrees and said he's been listening to some of the shows and they're very funny. Artie said he hasn't listened to the show since they got there. He said he's getting SIRIUS in his new car though.
Another caller went off on Robin giving her a couple of ''Wahs'' and telling her to go home if she doesn't want to be in the studio. Howard took another call and asked if they would give the girls from yesterday's show their own show where they could just get off for a half hour. He said he'd think about that. Howard went through a couple more calls and found a guy who claimed to be a doctor. He said that he believes that the female ejaculate is a reality and it's just the vaginal secretions that are gathered up and shot out when women orgasm. Howard and Robin didn't think that the guy was a real doctor and they were right. Robin questioned him about what something was called and he had no idea what she was talking about.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has seen a woman who squirts and the fluid that comes out is kind of like cum but without the proteins in it. Howard said that he's not sure about that, the only thing he's sure about is shit. You know what you've got when you shit. Another guy congratulated Gary for ''taking one for the team'' yesterday. He also went off on Robin for acting the way she was this morning.
Gary told Artie that he had better not give her any lip tomorrow. Artie was giving Gary a hard time so Gary said he would kick Artie's ass if he does give her a hard time. Artie told him to bring it on. Howard asked Gary if this woman gives him sex and Gary claims that she does. He said he knows what sex is and he does it with this woman. He claims that she doesn't ask for anything in return either.
Howard heard that Gary applied for a job at a sex booth where he'd have to clean up the jizz. Gary said he didn't get the job but he did apply for it. Howard asked him why he would do that. Artie thought it was funny that he's not qualified to clean up jizz. Gary claims that he is qualified, he just didn't get the job.
Gary said that he gets paid $7.05 an hour to work at a burger place right now. He told Howard that the booth place wasn't hiring at the time he applied for the job. Artie told him that he may be shooting too high with that job, he may want to aim a little lower.
Gary was saying that Miss Howard Stern called him the other day and said that she wanted to go on a date with him. Artie goofed on him about that and said the call must have been pretty funny. Howard told Gary that he's looking forward to meeting his girlfriend on tomorrow's show and he will try to protect him.
Howard read a note from Will who said that Gary has not had intercourse. Will came in and told Howard that Gary told him that he hadn't had sex yet as of yesterday. Gary said that he just had it the other day. Howard said he'll speak to both of them tomorrow and find out what's going on. He wants to make sure this chick isn't taking advantage of Gary.
Howard was going to let Gary go but Artie was still goofing on him. He had Gary all pissed off and yelling so Howard had to let Gary go.
Howard was talking about the upcoming Daniel Carver roast and Fred already had some of the Robin sounds that she was making for Gary earlier in the morning. They were really annoying and Howard told her she should be careful about making sounds like that because they'll be around the rest of her life.
A woman called in and told Howard that she's a squirter and it's definitely not pee. She said that it's a great thing to her and when a guy experiences it, it's a wonderful thing. Howard said that Gary was hit in the face from about 5 feet away too. Howard wanted to know if this woman could get herself off on the phone so they could listen in as she did it. She didn't think she could do it on the air. Howard asked her what she was wearing and tried to get her into it but she wasn't interested. She said she'd do anything for him but she can't do that.
Howard kept asking her to do it and told her she'd probably regret it tomorrow. He let her go a short time later since she wasn't doing it.
Howard read some e-mail about yesterday's show. A lot of people loved the girls who were using the f'ing machines. They made the Sybian seem kind of tame. Howard said he's worried about that himself. He read through a bunch of the other e-mail about that segment. Fred suggested that they get those girls back to try the Sybian out because they would probably use it the right way.
One person wrote in and said that the women's squirts are just pee and that's that. Some people thought that the show went a little over the top with that segment yesterday and they want them to do some normal stuff on the show like Win Fred's Money or Stump the Booey.
Howard said they got a ton of mail about the Riley Martin show that they played some of during the show. They also had a lot of feedback about Scott Ferrall joining Howard 101. He read through some mail about that and said that people are split on him. Fred said the split is about 50/50 right now but he thinks that will change and people will start to like him. That happens with just about everyone that joins them. The only person that people hate consistently is Ralph.
Howard said that there was feedback about everything but he didn't have time to go through it all. He quickly read a few more and then mentioned they had that roast coming up this morning. One person wrote in and said that Sal is Howard's ''Mrs. David Letterman.'' They think that he's a nightmare. Howard said that Beth thinks that Sal is just a sweet guy who loves him. Robin thinks that Beth doesn't understand just how crazy he is. Howard had to take a break before he moved on to other things.
Gary came in and told Howard that he just learned that he's not the first one on the show who has gone through something like the ejaculate thing. He heard that Adam, who used to work for E!, was shooting a scene with Jeff the Drunk and a porn star and she apparently did the same thing to Adam. Gary said that the story never came out until now because they were afraid to tell him. He said that Karina the porn star was pleasuring herself so Adam was down shooting the shot up close and she let loose on him. Howard said that's what they should be putting on Howard TV On Demand, they should have tape available. Adam was apparently freaked out by it and was calling doctors to find out if he could catch anything.
Lisa said that there is some controversy over the SIRIUS softball team. The Stern Show has started their own team there so some of the people there want to join Howard's team. Howard said that's not right, he doesn't want everyone to be split up like that. He thinks that's ridiculous.
Howard said that he has an audio clip from Larry King's show where a guy mentioned that he subscribed to SIRIUS originally because of Howard Stern. He was talking to a group of country singers and Larry kept bleeping out the caller for no good reason. He played the edited version and the replay version where Larry wasn't hitting the button on the guy. It was obvious the guy wasn't making a prank call.
Howard had a clip from a show where Lisa Rinna was getting a reading from this Shar woman who claims to be able to contact the dead. Howard aid that it's such a scam and it's so obvious that psychics like Shar just fish around until they find something that makes it seem like they know something about the person's past. He said it drives him nuts and makes him berserk.
In the clip Shar is trying to spell out the name of Lisa's daughter and Lisa was so out of it she didn't realize that she was spelling out her daughter's name. Howard said that Shar could have looked this information up before doing the interview. Howard said that Shar told Lisa absolutely nothing. She said that Lisa has a daughter and she's going to school. That was it. The interview was done on Regis Phibin's show and even Regis wasn't impressed with the demonstration.
Benjy was trying to look up the information that Shar could have pulled from the web. He was also telling Howard that he used to be a phone psychic and knew all of the tricks about how to make it seem like he was a real one. Benjy said they used to charge $4 a minute and they used to have to do a telemarketing thing in the middle of it.
Howard said that he had to go meet with his lawyers about his lawsuit yesterday. They had a strategy meeting and things are looking up for him right now. He's got some very good attorneys who are working hard on turning things around for him.
That led to Howard reading a story about CBS' radio ratings. He was using it as a report card for Leslie Moonves. He saw that WFNY (formerly WXRK) is fourth from the bottom of the ratings. Another one of their stations is right down there with WFNY. Their JackFM station is down there too. CBS radio's 3 biggest stations, WNEW, CBS-FM and WFNY are in the bottom 5 of the ratings in New York. They've managed to ruin all three of them.
Howard said that KLSX is down near the bottom of the barrel as well. In Chicago his old station wasn't even on the list, they were gone. The station was so low that it wasn't even listed as a radio station anymore. He jokingly said it was listed in the plant category.
Howard read a note about David Lee Roth not being on the air today. He figured it's because CBS is letting him go and will be blaming him for not getting any ratings. He didn't have all of the details about that though.
Howard said that he wanted to get to the roast so he would save the rest of the stuff he had until later. He did read one story about FOX running a NASCAR race and a guy came on and said the word ''shit'' so people have already started to go nuts over that. FOX is claiming that it was an equipment malfunction that allowed the word to get out on the air. A guy complained that he was watching the race with his 4 year old son and he can't watch that stuff with his 4 year old. Howard said that if the guy doesn't want to hear people speak like that, he shouldn't watch live events. Race car drivers curse all the time and people can't expect them to stop that just so they can watch a race with their 4 year old. He went to break a short time later.
Howard spoke to Bob for a few seconds and then brought in racist Daniel Carver. Daniel was wearing his KKK outfit when he came in. They kept him in Robin's booth to keep him safe. Daniel said he felt like Robin sitting behind the glass in the booth. Howard warned him that the roast was going to be pretty brutal because they had black comedians, gay comedians, Jewish comedians and others who were ready to roast him.
Angry Black was there already going off on Daniel. He asked Howard why he has Lisa Lampanelli and Judy Gold there because there are no funny female comedians out there. Lisa said that he's actually right about that and most female comedians aren't funny. Howard had the guys take the microphone away from Angry Black, he wanted to keep things moving.
Comedian Earthquake was also there and he was defending Lisa Lampanelli. Howard asked Daniel what he thinks about Lisa having sex with black guys exclusively. Daniel said that it's probably the best she can do and she'll have to answer for her sins later. Howard said that this should be a pretty wild roast. Daniel said that he'll be laughing because he does laugh at funny stuff no matter where it's coming from.
Howard turned things over to Rev. Bob Levy who got things rolling right away. He was joking about how even the black people got there on time today. Bob started roasting Daniel after that and had plenty of jokes about his racism and the way he was dressed, in his KKK outfit. He had a bunch of good ones but some of the jokes weren't going over too well. Bob said it was tough to come up with jokes for someone like Daniel. Daniel thought it was pretty brutal but it was kind of funny.
Bob brought up another Jewish comedian, Shuli, who started off his roast by goofing on Bob a little bit. He joked about Lisa Lampanelli a little bit next. He joked about her looking like the Michelin Man or a Drug mule without the drugs. He also thanked all of the black guys who bang her since he wouldn't even fuck her with Judy Gold's cock. Lisa didn't mind the jokes, s