- Mastertape Theatre - May 1, 1991. 05/09/08. 6:00am
Today's Howard Stern Mastertape Theatre show was a replay of the May 1, 1991 Howard Stern Show. This show was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time.
- Crucified By The FCC Box Set Discussed. 05/01/1991. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: Quentin the Stutterer introducing Howard at ''Howard Stern's Negligee and Underpants Party,'' a Howard Stern jingle, Ben Stern ''Proper modulation'' audio clip, a Leona Helmsley bit, an unidentified movie audio clip, Enuff Z Nuff performing a cover of The Beatles ''Revolution,'' a David Letterman intro for Howard.
Howard started off the show talking about some Playboy Playmates that were on Family Feud last night. He said that they had a shot of one of the girls where you could see the crack of her behind. He said if he did that he'd get fined.
Howard said that Robin's boyfriend Penn Jillette was coming by today. Robin said that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Howard said that he had to wake up before he got going this morning. He went to the phones and took some calls. One guy said he just got Crucified by the FCC and he loved it. Howard said he gets a lot of feedback like that and people think he's making it up. The caller said he likes that he got to hear a lot of the stuff he missed on that set. Howard said his agent doesn't think he explains it very well when he talks about it.
Howard said that Crucified by the FCC is the best thing you can buy if you're a fan of the show. The caller said he likes the first CD in the set the best.
Howard and Robin talked about the set and how Scott the Engineer got a huge credit for doing whatever it was he did. Howard said that Scott did a lot of the engineering. Howard said that he did a lot of the work himself though. He didn't want to credit himself for all of that stuff though so he gave Scott a big credit instead.
Howard said that Scott did a great job but he didn't deserve to get credit on every tape, CD, box and everything else. He said he wanted to give the narrator a credit too and they gave him a huge credit just like Scott.
Howard said you'd think that Dick Heymeyer and Scott did most of the work on the thing. Dick did about an hour of work. Howard said that he thanked everyone appropriately. Kevin the Newsletter Guy contributed to the booklet they included. Howard said that most of it worked out okay except for those huge credits for Scott and Dick. Howard said Scott didn't do more work than anyone else but that's what it looks like.
Howard said that if this set works out, he'll put out another set of the really early years. He said that this one will be considered a limited edition though.
The caller asked if the Negligee and Underpants Party is still available. Howard said it's not, that's why it's so cool to buy this stuff when it's available. It makes it very rare and valuable in the future. Howard said that they've almost caught up with the orders for Crucified and everyone who ordered should be getting it soon.
Howard read through some mail he got about the Crucified box set. The fans seemed to like what they were hearing on the set. They talked about some of their favorite things about it.
Howard read a letter he got from a woman who talked about how great it was to hear the cassette tapes on a trip she went on with her husband. They had a great time listening to the tapes on the trip and it brought them closer and rekindled their marriage.
Howard read through a few more letters and then said that the set is still available to order. He let the caller go and then moved on to other stuff.
- Rolling Stone Magazine Cracking Down On Dress Code. 05/01/1991. 6:20am
Howard read an internal letter from Rolling Stone magazine where they were talking about the dress code over there. Howard said you'd think that they'd let them wear anything but they were talking about this dress code where they had to wear collard shirts and dress pants. They were okay with sneakers though. Howard said it wasn't as bad as he thought it was.
Howard read through the list of stuff that they were saying was inappropriate and there were a lot of things. They also said that people have to have some decent hygiene. Gary said he heard that they were making them get haircuts over there too. Howard said that was bogus.
- WWOR Channel 9 Show Discussions. 05/01/1991. 6:25am
Howard took some phone calls after talking about a whacko he saw on Phil Donahue's show. He said that this guy was on dressed as a woman and he was trying to act like a woman but it was very odd. He said that Oprah had some lesbians on her show and he thought that it was enough of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up how they had changed the theme song to the TV show this week. Howard said they did that for the basketball game they played. He said that he doesn't want to change the theme and he thinks that they should keep it the same.
Howard talked about how they got that theme song over there. They were supposed to do a thing where they were going to have different rock and roll songs every week but he's not sure how they got stuck with that one song. He said that he thinks it was the licensing fees and stuff that stopped the different songs every week from happening. He said they went to Angel (Fifth Angel) and used their song every week.
The caller talked about the basketball game and said that he thinks that Howard lost because of that awful ''Merv'' t-shirt he was wearing.
Howard said that the channel 9 show was covered like it was a real basketball game. He read the article about how ''WWOR was WW-BAD.'' The author wrote that he had ''grazed past'' the show the other night and watched it. Howard said that he's seen guys like that who watch the show and claim they don't. He called one guy out on that and the guy finally admitted to have been a fan of the show.
Howard read through the article where the guy talked about the basketball game between him and Nils Loftgren. Howard ended up talking about Nils and how he was able to beat him. Gary said he just watched the show last night and Nils was kind of out of control. Gary said that he saw Nils go to an intern to put some time back on the clock when Howard called a time out. Howard said Nils was really intense and not having fun at all.
Howard said that Nils was really good at the game but there were some things going on that he didn't like because they weren't being very fair. They weren't calling fouls on Nils and stuff like that.
Gary was talking to Howard about the game but Howard noticed he had something in his throat so he asked him to clear his throat. Gary said there was nothing there but when he cleared his throat, Howard noticed there was a difference.
Jackie said that Nils got even more intense when he had scored 20 points. Howard said he wants to keep that guy off the show from now on.
Howard read through more of the article about the show and goofed on the guy who was reviewing it. The guy was claiming that he had never stayed tuned for more than 25 seconds of it. Howard said there's no way the guy could only watch for 25 seconds. He said he had to have stuck with it for at least a minute or two.
Howard said this guy was complaining about the way he was talking about ''penis size'' during the show. Howard said he wasn't trying to be funny when he was doing that.
The author had some lines in his article that weren't making any sense to Howard. He said that this guy isn't much of an author. The guy goofed on Howard for being on WWOR but Howard pointed out that this guy is writing for a paper that no one reads. Howard wrapped up and went to a break a short time later.
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- More WWOR TV Talk. 05/01/1991. 6:50am
After the break Howard asked where Robin was. She wasn't in her booth. He took a phone call and Robin showed up a short time later. Howard and Robin talked about the costume that Gary was wearing on the WWOR show the other night. He said that he had never heard of this character that he was dressed up like. That led to Howard talking about the camera work at the show and how bad they are over there. Howard said that the show is a real piece of work.
Howard read an article about his TV show where the author talked about him being the next generation of late night talk show hosts. He said they had some pictures of him in character and he's not sure he would have approved them if he was asked.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about a big they played recently. Howard talked about that bit a little bit. He said that he was doing an impression of a guy who was known for doing an impression of the Kennedys. He spent a few minutes talking about this guy, Vaughn Meter, and that led to Howard doing a very short ''Er-uh'' Kennedy impression.
- Cookie Puss Visits. 05/01/1991. 7:00am
Howard did a live commercial but the Mastertape Theater replay had the sponsor censored out with a fart sound. While he was talking about the sponsor he and Fred ended up in an argument about some stuff that Fred didn't tell Howard. Howard went off on him for a short time and Fred tried to defend himself.
Fred ended up doing an impression of Howard and goofed on him. Howard asked him what that was. Fred said that it was him. Fred sounded more like Howard's mother than Howard. Howard told Fred to remember where his paycheck comes from and suggested he take that verve and use it to write a script once in a while. He turned down Fred's microphone and said that's Fred's new shtick on the show.
Howard said he had caught Fred in a lie and he was proving it today. He said that all of those days he asked Fred to help him out in the past, and he turned him down, he was lying about what he was up to.
Howard went through the rest of the live commercial but that ended up getting them into this story about Cookie Puss. Howard went into his Cookie Puss voice and talked to Fred about that story. Fred had given his mother a Cookie Puss Carvel Cake one time so Howard goofed on him about that.
Cookie Puss talked about how he hates Fudgie the Whale and how he was able to talk about that now that Tom Carvel is gone.
Robin said that she thought that the puss was shortened from ''pussy'' but cookie Puss said that it was just a reference to it being a face. Cookie Puss didn't remember what he looked like so he had to ask Fred what he did look like.
Cookie Puss asked Fred why he didn't just buy his mom a quart of milk or a newspaper instead of a Cookie Puss. He spent a few minutes goofing on Fred about that. He told him that he should get his mother some cotton candy for her next birthday. Robin said that was a first giving his mother a Cookie Puss for mother's day.
Howard said that it was pretty insulting to give his mother a Cookie Puss cake as a gift. Fred said that this whole thing was insulting. Howard asked him if he at least calls his mother. Fred said that he does and continued to argue with Howard as Cookie Puss.
Cookie Puss asked Jackie why he pissed in his mother's face for her birthday. Jackie said that he did that because Carvel was closed at the time. Cookie Puss said he was going to run out of the room during the break so he didn't have to deal with Fred. He wondered what Fred could do to him other than eat him.
Cookie Puss asked if you have to special order a Cookie Puss or if you can just walk in and get it. Fred said you just walk in and buy it. Cookie Puss said there's a new cake called Fudgie the Underpants and Cheesy the Foot. Then there's Booger the Nose, Andy the Anus and others.
Howard got out of the voice and said that he was done annoying Fred. He said he didn't need to do that to Fred anymore. He thanked Fred for doing great during the writing meeting the other day. Howard spent a short time talking to Fred about his mother and going to visit her.
Fred said that he doesn't think that Robin has any right to comment on that stuff with the kind of family relationship she's got. Robin laughed at Fred for that comment.
Howard went to a break and did another live commercial that was farted out. During that Fred said something about punching Howard in the face.
Howard had a guy on the phone who wanted to play Guess Who's the Jew. He told the guy he was going to play the Kennedy song ''Raping in the Night'' before he got to that. He said that Stuttering John was out interviewing prostitutes the other night too so he had to play the audio of that. He said that John would ask the girls to do interviews for the TV show and when they'd turn him down, he'd call them whores.
Howard played the ''Raping in the Night'' song parody he sang. Howard said they had a lot coming up after that including Robin's man Penn. Robin let out a sigh when she heard him mention that. They had to go to break after that.
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- Cookie Puss And Sharpie Pens. 05/01/1991. 7:35am
After the break went into his Cookie Puss voice again and did his live commercial as the character. The sponsor was farted out again of course. Howard went through the whole thing as Cookie Puss and then said good bye. Howard was calling Cookie Puss a girl so Fred told him he thought it was a he that might have been neutered.
Howard asked the fans to send in some pens to write with because they're running out again. He said that Tom won't buy them the Sharpie pens that they use so they have to ask the fans for them. Howard said he's gone to Tom asking for more but he won't buy them.
Howard said that it actually slows them down if they don't have the right pens. He said they'll take any color except for red. Gary usually holds on to them and doles them out but they still run out. Howard asked Gary how many he had left. Gary said he has about 3 dozen left and didn't know they needed more. Gary said that Jackie goes through about 6 a week.
Cookie Puss came back a couple of times during that discussion. Howard said that the point of the matter is that they need more pens. Gary said that he has ordered pens in the past but Tom has cut down the number that he orders. He said that Tom thinks that they're wasteful with the pens. Jackie said that they're really not wasteful and they're constantly writing stuff. Howard moved on after that.
- Guess Who's The Jew With Kurt Waldheim Jr. 05/01/1991. 7:45am
Howard said that it was time for Guess Who's the Jew. Fred when into his Kurt Waldheim Jr. character and goofed on the caller a little bit. Howard described the game and told the guy that he was going to win a CD if he guesses the correct answer.
Fred had some fun doing some material as the character. He had some names for the other games he could play like ''Spic-Tac-Toe'' and a few others.
The caller said that he never dated a Jew or anything like that. He said he had some animosity toward the Jews in the past. Howard spent a minute talking to the caller about all of that and then had Fred do his thing.
Fred, I mean Kurt, went on to give out the three names the caller had to choose from. The caller had to pick which of the three was a Jew. The three people Kurt gave out were Kathy Bates, Meryl Streep and Angelica Houston. The caller quickly said he was going to go with Meryl Streep. The caller was right so Kurt gave him the details and said that he was correct.
Howard said that the caller won a CD player so he had to either take it or try and trade up and win again. He said that if he wins again, he could win the CD player and a 2 minute visitation with the back of their office door where they have the naked pictures of the women who have sent them in. The guy's wife got on the line and said that he had to take the CD player. Howard told the guy to go talk it over with his wife during the commercial. The guy's wife didn't want him looking at any nude pictures so she told him that he doesn't have a choice. Howard told her that not too many people have gotten to see the back of that door and it would be a very special treat.
Howard asked the guy if he wanted to see the door. He said that he did but the guy's wife kept telling him ''No!'' over and over. Howard asked him if he was going to be pussy whipped or take the deal. The guy said he was going to go for it. The guy said that his whole life is like that and she's been like that since he was 19 when he met her.
The guy said that he wanted to go for it but his wife told him he was making a mistake. Howard told him he'd throw in a muzzle for his wife too. He said that he can't imagine him letting her boss him around like that for so long. The guy said that he's been with her for 17 years so he's used to it.
Howard said he had to take a commercial break and then he'd be right back with the rest of the game. Robin thought the guy was a fool for taking that chance to win.
After an edited out commercial break Howard talked about his Crucified by the FCC set and read some mail he got about it. He got back to the game a short time later.
The caller was back on the line and saying that he had to take the CD player and get out of the game. He told Howard he must have heard what he has to go through. He said that she went through the list of stuff that made him change his mind. Howard told the guy he was going to give him the CD player anyway, even if he hadn't played again. Howard told him to tell his wife that she did a really good thing for him. He asked the guy if his name is ''Pussy Whipped.''
The guy's wife got back on the phone and asked if Howard was trying to make her day go bad. Howard said that she's sounding dangerously close to being his mother. She said that maybe that's what he needs. She was asking if they were going to get a limo ride up there to the station. Howard goofed on her a little bit and told her that she should let her husband have some fun. She said he's been having fun since 1982 because he's self employed. She said that he does whatever the hell he wants with his hot dog stand and he enjoys it.
Howard asked the guy about the hot dog cart and how much he can make in a year. The guy said that he can make over $100,000 a year if you do it right. Howard figured that this guy must not want to make love to this broad because she's so much like his mother. The guy said that they actually have sex all the time.
Howard asked how many kids they have. They said they have three. The guy was saying that he can go anywhere in the city that he wants with the hot dog stand but he always goes to the same place. That led to Gary talking about the stuff that he likes to get on his dogs at those stands. Howard put them on hold to hook them up with the CD player. Howard said that was some marriage right there.
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- Penn Jillette Visits. 05/01/1991. 8:05am
Howard asked Robin about this Penn thing and wondered if she's going to go out with him or not. Robin said she's not sure. Howard said that he thinks that they're interested in each other and they should go out.
After and edited out commercial break Howard did another live commercial for an unknown sponsor. He and Robin talked about the sponsor for a short time and then brought in Penn Jillette.
Penn came in and Howard called him the future Mr. Quivers. Howard told Penn that he should send Robin a Cookie Puss to get on her good side. That led to Howard doing his Cookie Puss voice a little more.
Howard said that he and his wife went to the Penn and Teller show the other night and they figured out one of the tricks they do. Howard said that the show is really great but they did figure that one trick out. Howard asked Penn if he would tell them how the trick is done. Penn said that he'd probably mislead him if he tried to figure it out.
Howard did his impression of Penn talking to him and doing this barking voice he does for him. Penn was saying that people used to come up to him and ask him about Howard but now it's all about Robin.
Howard asked Penn about the model they use in the show and said that she was ''top notch stuff.'' Howard found out that Penn has dated that chick before. Penn said that he still sees her once in a while. Howard said he doesn't think that Penn should make Robin his one and only, he should add her to the group of women he dates.
Howard wanted to do some news and then he'd get back to Penn and Robin. He gave Penn some plugs for their show on Broadway and then spent a little more time talking to Penn about the show and stuff like that. Howard said he'd like to go back and see it again so he can try and figure out some of the other tricks.
Howard talked to Penn about going to clown college and got some details about that. Penn said that he did a lot of juggling when he was there. They spent a short time on that and then went to a commercial break.
- Robin's News. 05/01/1991. 8:35am
After the break Howard came back and talked to Penn about Victoria Jackson who had been sending Howard some letters. Robin put on some perfume during the break so Howard noticed that and asked her about it. She said that she had doused herself in it but he didn't have to worry himself over it.
Howard talked about the computer he has and how he set it up so that his computer turns on when he pulls out the tray for the keyboard. Penn was telling Howard he should get a CD-ROM drive. Howard didn't know why he needed it. Penn told him about why he needed it and went through some other peripherals that he might want to get.
Howard said that Penn was showing off with his comments about the computer stuff. Howard said he had a 20 megabyte drive in his computer. Penn bragged that his was a 40. Penn asked how fast his computer was. Howard didn't know. The two of them were going back and forth talking about what version of Word they had and things like that.
Howard had Robin get into some news stories after he and Penn spent a few minutes talking. Robin read some news about Jesse Jackson and Howard played some audio of a speech the guy made. Howard said he must have recorded it at channel 9 because the audio quality was horrible. Howard goofed on Jackson for a short time and made fun of the way he sounded in that clip.
Robin read through some more news about things like AIDS and mosquitos, Spike Lee stealing a cab from someone and more. Howard told a story about his mother having a cab stolen from her by Charlton Heston one time. Robin talked about seeing someone there at the station in the lobby the other day. She said that she saw Harry Bellafonte there. Howard said that Pete Fornatel was interviewing him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back, around 9:10am, and said that Robin and Penn had disappeared during the break. He heard that Penn was back in his office looking at the nude pictures on the back of his door. He gave him some plugs for Penn and teller's show and then had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read a story about a rape case in the area where a 23 year old guy was charged with raping an 11 year old girl. She ended up getting pregnant. She also had some news about computer video games, Senator Al D'Amato, Donald Trump and sexual harassment. Penn let the S-word slip out at one point so Howard had to let him know he can't say that on the air.
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- A Few More Minutes With Penn. 05/01/1991. 9:20am
Howard gave Penn some more plugs for his show and talked about how fun it was. He said that Penn went out into the audience to find someone to do a trick with and Penn put his hand on his shoulder. Penn said he was glad to see him there and that was his way of saying hello to him.
Howard said that Penn and Teller sell stuff after the show. Penn said that he was signing stuff and most of it had Howard's autograph on it too. Howard said his wife was getting all uptight about it but he figured he had to sign the stuff since they were out in public. He said he probably won't go out in public again for another year after that though.
Howard said the last time he was out in public was about 3 years ago when he went to see Cats. He said he didn't get that show and what happened at the end of it.
Howard came out of an edited out commercial break and did a live commercial. Sponsor was edited out again. Howard talked about that for a short time. Howard said he was going to play the Stuttering John clips, that he didn't get to today, tomorrow.
Howard asked Penn how he ended up back in his office. Penn said he was following her around and she had gone back there to go through some stuff. Howard wanted all of the details so he spent a couple of minutes going over what they were doing back there. They were just talking and Penn was looking at the nude pictures on the door.
Howard asked Penn what his intentions are with this model he's dating. Penn said he really doesn't know. He said that he doesn't even know if he'll ever get married.
Howard ended up calling Robin's answering machine because she does something very odd on it. She says ''Blah, blah, blah'' instead of her name and the number that the people are calling. Howard called Penn's answering machine too so he could hear what he does. Penn just says ''Yeah...'' and that's it. He doesn't have a message other than that. Robin said that she didn't want to put a conventional message on her's so that's why she did what she did.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Penn talking to him about his show. He also ended up going off on Spike Lee again about his awful movies.
Robin asked Howard to play an audio clip that she had. Howard played the clip and Robin asked him if he knew what it was. Howard knew it was a clip from the movie ''Citizen Kane.'' She did a story about the 50th anniversary of the movie and said it was out in theaters again. That led to Penn asking Robin out to see the movie but she said she couldn't go.
Howard tried to get Robin and Penn to set up a date but they weren't jumping on the offer. They were talking about the old popcorn trick that you do when you put your penis in a popcorn box and Jackie said that he actually did that trick one time.
Howard asked Penn if he thought he was going to go out today or not. Penn said he thinks that they will end up going to see ''Citizen Kane.''
Robin read through a few more news stories that she hadn't gotten to earlier. She had one about a young girl whose heart stopped in her class. She had a story about Julia Roberts getting married to Keifer Sutherland. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Robin said that Richard Simmons is going to be going on David Letterman's show finally. Howard said that he knows how all of that came about and he figures that Letterman listens to his show and that gave him the idea to have him on. Howard said he's okay with it though because Richard should be doing shows like that.
Robin finished up her news so Howard wrapped up with Penn and gave him some more plugs for his Broadway show. He gave Jackie his plugs and played some music as he was ending the show. They were done around 10:00am (Mastertape Theatre time).
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