Hank The Drunken Dwarf Comes In. 8/15/97. 6:50am
Remember Hank? He's the dwarf who came in and got dressed up in a Superman outfit last year. He went out on a date with a woman and wore the Superman outfit on a carriage ride around Central Park. Today he came in so Howard could put him in a box out on the street. Before they got to that Howard talked to a 15 year old kid who got laid by his 25 year old math tutor. Then another dwarf called in to yell at Hank and tell him that he's giving dwarfs a bad name. Hank cursed and yelled at the guy. He may be the first person to say ''asshole'' more than once without having the delay button hit. Around 8:05 this morning Hank was in a steamer trunk yelling at people to get him out of the trunk. They did this with the late Doug Bady a couple of years ago. Hank tried it for a little while but he said he's claustrophobic so he had to get out. A bunch of people walked right by the trunk and looked at it when Hank yelled. No one helped. That was it for Hank. He ruined the bit so Howard didn't have him back into the studio for the rest of the day.

In the clip Howard was talking to the doctor who was going to give Robin her colonic over the weekend. Howard talked about how unnatural it is for people to do things like this. Howard said it's not normal but both Robin and the doctor, Ann, said it was perfectly natural.

Robin and Ann talked about the stuff they see come out of people when they get flushed out. Ann claims that they see things that people haven't eaten for weeks or even years. She said that one time they saw a toy come out that the person had eaten when they were a child.

Howard wanted the soiled water that came out of Robin but Ann didn't think that was going to happen. Howard asked if they give colonics to men. Ann said she does and she is the one who does it. Howard asked Ann how old she is but she wasn't answering. Howard said she sticks things up people's butts but she won't talk about how old she is.

Howard asked Ann about how she got started in this. Ann said she used to suffer from being tired all the time and she started doing this and got over it. Robin said she's heard that from other people as well.

Howard asked Robin about what she pulled out of herself when she had her colonic. Robin said not much came out that first time she did it. Howard said he can't imagine people making a fuss over her poopie. He said Robin likes to have her poopie evaluated. Robin said that's not true. She said she doesn't care if they say anything or not. She said that it's odd that the doctor finds it so interesting.

Howard asked Robin what she saw coming out when she did her colonic. Robin said you see particles and stuff coming out. Howard asked if the water turns brown. She said sometimes it does. Howard asked what other colors she sees. Robin said she sees some oranges and tans. Howard asked if there are hunks that come out. Robin said she hasn't seen any yet.

Howard thanked Ann for the call and let her go. He said it sounds very dangerous to him. He took another call from a guy claiming to be a doctor. He said that this can injure the colon and blow it out of they put too much pressure in there. Howard asked if he's seen it happen. He said he hasn't but he's heard of it happening.

Howard said he didn't believe that guy was a real doctor based on the way he was talking with the Southern accent. The guy said he is a real doctor though.

Howard was going to move along but Robin told him that she was out jumping her horse yesterday. Howard talked to her and said that maybe they should call Chris Reeve and share her excitement with him.

Wanna bet? 6/20/96.
After yesterday's phone call from Morton Downey Jr., Howard decided that they should bet on when Morton will die. So everyone placed their bets. At first it was only $100 per person but it was bumped up to $200 a little later. The rules say that whoever comes closest to the death date wins. It doesn't matter if they go over or under the date. Morton's surgery is scheduled for July 12, 1996. So here's the bets:

• Fred - October 12, 1996
• Gary - February 14, 1997
• Robin - July 12, 1997
• Jackie - December 25, 1996
• Howard - July 16, 1996 - changed after picking July 13, 1997

In the clip Howard was talking about Pee Wee Herman getting busted in a movie theater for jerking off. They talked about the kind of theater he was in and how it wasn't the first time he's gotten into trouble.

Howard read the article about the arrest. He said they caught him masturbating during an adult movie. Howard wondered why he wouldn't just do that at home. Pee Wee was staying with his parents at the tine so Howard figured that's why he wasn't doing it at home.

Howard asked where Red was. Billy West came in a short time later doing his ''Red'' character. Red was talking about Pee Wee and what was going on with that case. He was joking about the whole thing and had Howard laughing at him.

Howard said they could call the theater to find out what kind of movies they play there. He dialed the number and got the pre-recorded message where they run down the list of movies. They threw in some Pee Wee sound clips as they were listening to that. Billy was also doing his Pee Wee impression throwing in a few lines too. The message ended with a beep so they figured it was an answering machine. Billy left a message as Red and gave them a hard time about the beating off in the movie.

Howard said Red came in there shot out of a cannon. Howard said it was weird with Pee Wee. He said that he's kind of like Suzanne Somers who could have just stuck to her role on her TV show but she had to go out and do other things. Howard said he doesn't get masturbating in public like Pee Wee did. Howard said that's weird. He said it's weird that the cops still go to the theaters and bust people too.

Howard talked about how they could have had Pee Wee on the show but they weren't able to talk to him as both Paul Reubens and Pee Wee. It had to be one or the other.

Howard talked about some article he was reading about going into a new market and how strange the review was. He said that they wrote it up based on one show. That led to Red getting all upset and going off on the reporter.

Howard read another article about Pee Wee where they gave the details of his arrest. Howard said they had arrested a few other people that night too.

Howard played some Pee Wee show clips and made a jerking off sound as it was playing. They wrapped up a short time later.

In the clip Howard was asking where everyone was because he wanted to get to the Jay Leno stuff. Stuttering John came in a short time later after grunting at the door. Howard said John seems to be trying to be a ''grunge'' rock star but he's just looking dirty and smelling bad. Howard asked John if he is starting to realize that he's his future. John asked why he would say that. John said his video is the number 9 most requested in the country. Howard said he likes his music but he's a bigger fan of his interviews.

Howard wondered why Jay Leno had a press conference. He wondered what kind of questions they could ask him. He said they're all Jay Leno'd to death already. Jay was in the city to do some shows so he held a press conference.

John said there were maybe 30 people from the press there. He said it was very informal. Howard said they wrote a bunch of questions for Jay and sent John out to ask them. John said he was wearing a hat so Jay may not have known who he was at first.

Howard said the press pretends they don't know who John is but then they write up all of their questions and don't credit them. Howard said without them they'd have nothing to write up.

Howard said he's not sure if this guy Richard Huff hates them or what but he didn't credit them for the questions. Howard read the article about Jay and they were taking their questions and answers and not attributing the questions to them.

Howard played the tape of Jay starting the press conference and wondering what he was supposed to do. Howard said the guy called the press conference so he should have known what to say. In the clip John asked Jay why Johnny Carson hates him. Jay said Johnny is fine with him. Howard said that Johnny just burned his ass, why would he say he's fine. Howard said Johnny is such a pecker head that he can't deal with someone else doing his show.

Robin said that Jay does have a problem because he had Jack Parr on his show while David Letterman was interviewing Johnny Carson on his show. Howard went off on Jack Parr for a short time. He was pointing out how the guy couldn't handle the pressure so he walked out of the show.

Howard played more of the Jay Leno interview and Jay was talking about how he and Johnny are fine. John asked Jay how much he's going to dance at Johnny's funeral. Jay laughed at that one.

After an edited out break Howard came back and talked about how he's going to be doing the Leno show even though he's friends with David Letterman. Howard said he has never called either show to ask to go on. He said they call him and ask him to come on. Howard said Jay's people asked him to be on the show so he's doing it. Howard said they called him 4 months in advance to get him on the show. He said no for a while but eventually said yes. Howard said Dave's people called a week before Jay wanted him on. He said he already agreed to do Leno's show. He said that he'd go on Dave's show the next week if they wanted but they didn't want that. They think that's too close to appear on both shows.

Howard said some people said to him that they'd rather see him on Letterman but he's just go to do the right thing. Howard said Letterman's people call him days before they need him and Leno called 4 months. He said he can't just drop it now.

Howard said NBC is running a lot of Leno commercials. He wondered if they have any money left for the show. Billy West was doing his Leno impression during that discussion.

Howard said that WNEW is running the Leno commercial but they leave out his name. They're the competition there and they seem to think that's really going to help them. Howard said if they left his name in maybe someone would tune into that station. Howard said he's the number one Disc Jockey in the country and everyone knows who he is. He said it's ridiculous that they edited out his name.

Howard wanted to play the Leno commercial that they've been playing. He got to that and goofed on Jay for a short time. Billy would listen to some of that and do his impression.

Howard said Jay announced that they were going to New York and David Letterman went out to L.A. the week before. He said Jay announced it too soon.

Howard played another Leno commercial where he talked about all of the guests they had coming up that week. Howard also checked out the press photo of him sitting on his motorcycle. They made fun of him about that.

Howard got back to the Stuttering John interview tape. John asked Jay why he doesn't do Carnack and Aunt Blabby to raise his ratings. Jay said they have their own stuff they'll be doing. They cut the clip off and goofed on Jay some more. Billy did some more of his impression of Jay doing Carson characters.

Howard had to fart in the middle of that discussion. He asked i f anyone wanted to hear it. All of the guys said they did but Robin said no. Howard ripped one into the microphone but said it wasn't real.

Howard got back to the tape of John asking Jay questions. John asked him about coming to New York and how that was going. Billy was doing his impression during that and Howard said he couldn't listen to the tape without thinking of Billy. Jay was talking about how he had a new set for the TV show and how interesting it was that the staff were excited to do the show from New York. Howard said that they're going to have a good time but the audience has to have a good time too.

Howard said people were asking him what he's going to wear on the Leno show. Howard said he's going to wear two outfits and he'll do a change during the commercial break. Robin said she'll tune in just to watch that. Howard said he may have a dress on when they come back.

Howard played more of John's interview with Jay and John asked him if his wife ever yelled out Letterman's name during sex. Jay said she had not and she definitely didn't yell out his name. Jay was goofing on John saying that any woman who yells out his name must yell out a very short name.

John asked Jay if he would have a live execution on the show to beat Dave in the ratings. Jay joked that some of their interviews were like live executions. John asked Jay some more questions and it wasn't clear if he knew who he was yet.

John told Jay to try wearing a Letterman mask to get ratings. Jay said he wasn't sure if they were available but he would try that. John also asked what brought him to New York, the traffic or the foreigners. Jay said it was both in a cab.

Howard played more of the interview and Billy was doing an impression of what the other reporters sounded like there. John asked Jay to do some word association and threw out Dave's name and some others like Johnny Carson. Then he got to ''Helen'' and Jay said ''no comment.'' John was referring to Helen Kushnick who Jay had fired. Howard said Jay really is a good guy because he won't say anything negative about anyone. Jay talked more about Johnny and how he thinks that he went on Letterman because he and Dave had a long relationship and he has no problem with him at all.

Billy did his impression of Jay goofing on Johnny like he should have been doing. Howard said that's the way it should be done.

Howard wrapped up with the interview clip and John asked to get in a plug. He said he's going to be on Conan later in the week. He said he will be sitting on the couch instead of playing live and they'll play his video during the interview. Howard said Conan is preparing to do this whole show and no one is even watching it. Howard said that Conan should just let John play even if they have another band playing that night. He's not sure why they stick to that format when no one is watching.

Howard said he saw that Greg Kinear can't get ratings to beat an infomercial. He said he's not sure why they keep them on the show when they do that bad.

Howard said he had to take a break but John wanted to say something else. Howard just cut him off and went to break.

After an edited out break Howard had Jay Leno on the phone. Jay was doing an impression of Billy doing the impression of him. Howard had the two of them talking to each other for a few seconds.

Howard told Jay that he owes him for doing his show. Howard said Jay had been calling him for months. He said that they went as far as to send a producer to his agent's office to ask him to do the show. Howard said Jay had been good to him so he figured that he'd go on. He said Jay is a good guy so he was going to help him out. Howard asked why he's in New York though. Jay said that they had a great time and they had Jack Parr on. Howard said he was reading about that in the papers. Jay said he didn't see anything in the paper.

Howard asked Jay if he was able to stay awake the whole time Jack Parr was on. Jay said he was a great guest. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. Howard said he should get Steve Allen on too.

Howard told Jay that Bob Morton from David Letterman's show asked him to come on a few days before he was supposed to be on Jay's show. Howard said he told them no because he had already agreed to do Jay's show. Howard said he's going crazy from these two guys. Jay said that he can go wherever he's treated best.

Howard asked Jay not to be so combative with him on the show. He told jay he wants to do a wardrobe change too. Jay said he can do whatever he wants to do.

Howard told Jay that Johnny could have gone on both shows instead of just doing Dave's show. He said Johnny was given too much power in the industry. He said that Johnny is a dick and who gives a rats ass if he talks or not.

Howard said he wouldn't forgive Johnny for the way he treated Jay. Jay asked Howard to move on to another subject. Howard kept talking about it anyway.

Howard asked Jay if he's laughing about Jerry Seinfeld and Shoshauna Lonstein. Jay said he's not laughing about that. Howard asked if Jerry still hangs out with him. Jay said he doesn't see anyone now that he has the show. He said they're still friends though. Jay said that Jerry is a great guy and he really cares for this woman. Howard said Jerry gave her a beeper so he could beep her in the middle of class at college. Howard said that's funny. He said if it was anyone else it would be great material for his monologue.

Jay told Howard that they do an Evil Jay bit on his show. That's where he can do the material he normally wouldn't do. He told one joke that he wouldn't normally tell. That led to Billy West doing his own Evil Jay impression and telling Jerry Seinfeld jokes. The real Jay said that was lame and asked them to move on to the next subject.

Howard said this rivalry with Dave must be killing Jay. Jay said he's doing fine. Howard said Jay was a great comic when he was in the comedy clubs. He said that even Dave would have to admit that. Howard said suddenly Jay has to go into these late night wars and it has to be uncomfortable. Jay said he likes the game so it's not a problem.

Howard said that Branford Marsalis can't be comfortable doing that show. Jay said if he wasn't, he wouldn't stick around. He said he wouldn't stay if he didn't like doing the show. Howard said Branford tells him all the time that he's going to leave the show.

Howard told Jay to ask Cindy Crawford some interesting questions and find out if Richard Gere is her beard. jay said that people wouldn't know what that means. Howard said his audience might be smart enough to figure it out.

Howard said he thinks that things will work out for him and his show. He said that Arsenio thought he was going to kick his ass and he's gone already.

Howard wrapped up with Jay a short time later. Jay said he had to go over to do Regis' show. Howard told him to bring up his name and Kathie Lee will go running out of the room. Jay said he'll have to see about that. Howard told Jay not to be so combative with him this time on the show. He said he has to let him answer some questions. Jay said that's fair, he'll do that. Howard let Jay go a short time later.

Howard said he's going to light Jay's desk on fire. That led to them talking about how Bobcat Goldthwait had lit a chair on fire and he's trying to avoid getting into trouble. He said Jay put it out with a glass of water but they still want to go after him for lighting the fire. They went to break a short time later.

David Faustino Calls In. 3/12/97. 7:55am
David Faustino plays Bud Bundy on Married With Children. He just called in to tell Howard that he saw the movie and loved it. He kissed Howard's ass for a few minutes. Howard also had a letter from one of the producers of Baywatch. The letter was to invite Howard to do an episode of the show. They had a basic plot that Howard read on the air. The idea was to have a morning radio DJ who does his show from a helicopter (uh oh.. dumb idea already). The DJ (Howard) always bad mouths the lifeguards on the beach... Out in the water would be thousands of his fans who wait out by the beach to see their favorite DJ flying around in his chopper. Then something would go wrong with the helicopter and it would crash into the water and he would have to be saved by the lifeguards that he always bad mouths. Well Howard was having fun with this letter. He was making up some of the dialog that might happen in the show. He even included David Faustino in the fun. I don't think David wanted to play because he quickly told Howard that he had to go to work. Howard would never do something so stupid but he did say that he'd like to see a script for an episode like that. Wouldn't that be a sight? Howard on Baywatch...

In the clip Robin was reading some news and asked Howard if he had ever cried. Howard said he did when he was a kid but not much as an adult. Howard said he cried when his grandfather died and he didn't go to his funeral. He said he cried once in college too. He said he also cried when he realized he was stuck with Fred forever.

Howard said he cried over his grandfather for not going to his funeral. Howard said he should have been there. Howard said everyone told him not to bother going so he didn't. Then he felt guilty and cried. He said he started throwing things into a wall and tears came. He said he kind of cried when Robin decided to cut her boobs. He said they were needless tears though because they are great the way they are now.

Howard said in college he cried that one time but that was it for crying. Robin said he never cries then. Howard said he hasn't cried since his grandfather died. Howard said he never really does. Robin asked if he holds back the tears. Howard said he does that sometimes. He said he saw a guy on the Jerry Lewis Telethon one time that made him want to cry. The guy wasn't able to move anything. He said he communicates by winking. Howard said he almost cried at a Sting song too but he held back on that one too. Howard said he almost cried at the end of ''Ghost'' but he held back on that when he convinced himself it was just a movie.

Howard asked Fred if he cries. Fred said he does. Howard asked how often he does. Fred said he has been moved to tears while listening to songs and watching movies. Robin said she never thought Fred would cry like that. Howard asked what makes him cry. Fred said the last couple of times were movies. He said that the movie ''Orphans'' made him cry. He said the ending was heart wrenching. He told Howard what the movie was about and what it was that made him cry.

Howard asked Jackie if he cries. Jackie said he does too. He'll even cry at funny movies. Howard said Robin cries too. Robin said of course she does. Howard asked Jackie when he last cried. Jackie wasn't sure. He said it happens a lot though. He said he gets choked up a lot and the gushers come once in a while.

Howard asked Robin what she cried over last. Robin said it was probably a movie. Howard asked if anyone cries in real life. Fred said that you think about stuff in your past that makes you cry. Robin said that the Wonder Years made her cry last. She said it was the wedding of the girl in the family and it made her cry.

Howard said the whole crew is an emotional wreck. Howard asked if she's going to cry at Gary's wedding. Robin said she might. She said she almost cried when Fred got engaged. She has cried when she has an orgasm once in a while. Howard said he knew that.

Robin told Howard about putting her ''little sister'' on a train one time and that made her cry. Howard said Robin does good things outside of the show. The rest of them don't. Howard said Robin was part of the Little Sister program and helped this girl out. Robin said it had been three years since she did that.

In the clip Robin was reading a story about a guy who got his penis caught in a pool filter at a motel. Howard said guys are always putting their weenies in weird stuff. He said that this guy must have thought it was going to feel good doing that in a pool. Robin read more of the story and they found that he had gotten it stuck in a filter on the side of the pool. The pump had been shut off but the guy was still stuck in there. The penis had become swollen. Howard said that happens when you get action like that.

Robin read about how they got the guy out of the filter and how it took 40 minutes to get him out. Fred played a few Jackie laugh clips during that story. Jackie joked that the guy went back after they got him out.

Howard said he knew a guy who would have sex with his pillow and it was a really funky pillow. Howard said it was some kind of couch pillow. Howard said guys had tried it and said it felt like a woman. Robin said she had heard about guys who had done it with vacuum cleaners. Billy said he heard about guys doing apples.

Howard said he heard Jackie put it in ice cream. Jackie said you do that just once. He said he did it as a goof to see what it felt like.

Howard said he has tried some weird stuff. He said someone sent them some rubber thing that vibrates and he tried that. He said it didn't turn him on though. He said it just hurt. It was some kind of marital aid. Howard said he wasn't sure what else he's done that has been weird. He said he has put his thing on a sink to feel the texture. He said you test different objects to see how it feels.

Ralph called in and said he tried a central vacuum cleaner once. He said he tried but there's a connector that won't come on unless you have the thing plugged in. He said he wasn't able to angle his body to get it to work.

Gary said he knew a guy who did that vacuum thing. He said that they would lift the door to the vacuum and tell the guy that his girlfriend was calling. Ralph said he just wanted to try it and wasn't sure how it was going to feel. Gary said he had never done it with an inanimate object. Howard said he didn't think he had either.

Howard asked Gary if he had ever put his penis on a sink like he did. Gary said he has never done that. Jackie asked if he had ever put it on the side of a bathtub or anything. Gary said he hadn't done that. He said he's not testing it out with his penis.

In the clip Howard and Robin were preparing for a mystery guest. They had to put on their blindfolds so they could play. Howard had Gary bring the guest in and they started asking questions. Howard was hoping for a woman. Robin was hoping for a good looking man. Howard and Robin went back and forth asking questions and Howard was the one who figured it out after a few questions.

Howard said he doesn't think that Wilt knows what he's doing. He said he was a singer during the questions. Wilt said he did record a song back in the 60s. He said he didn't have it with him though. Howard said he played basketball against Nils Loftgren, who is only 4'11'' and he lost. Howard said he really sucks at the game. Wilt said it matters how big your heart is, not how big you are.

Howard said that Wilt claims to have had sex with over 2000 women. Wilt said that the book said 20,000 but 2000 is close enough.

Howard told Wilt about how small he is in his pants and how he can't get any women. Howard said it looked like Wilt was checking his watch already and he wanted out. Howard said they were only 3 minutes in. Wilt said that it was going good so far. He said he heard that Howard was a tough interview but he's enjoying it.

Howard said he's impressed by Wilt getting 20,000 women. He asked if it steams him that Michael Jordan gets paid the kind of money he gets. Wilt said that it doesn't upset him. He said he could come back and play again if he wanted. He said he just has to get back into shape. Howard asked if he's really going to try to do that. Wilt said it sounds good but he's not sure.

Howard asked Wilt if he invested his money right when he was playing. Wilt said he did. Howard asked him about the women and what kind of women he was with. Howard asked if he ever did a midget. Wilt said that it's all in the mind and it's never about the size.

Howard asked Wilt about the kind of shots he was taking when he was sleeping with so many women. He said he must have run across some bad points while hitting that many. Wilt said he can't do that kind of thing in this day. He said he is a lot more selective than he was back then.

Wilt said that he was selective back then too but not as much as he is now. He said he could have had even more than 20,000 if he wanted to.

Robin said that someone figured it out and said that would be like 1.5 women a day or something like that. Howard said he could have had more than one woman at a time. Wilt said he did that.

Howard said he figured that he'd have to get laid but the next commercial break. Howard told Robin that she might want to get in there. Wilt said he took care of that the night before.

Howard said that if Wilt wasn't this famous guy he was he may have gotten women but not 20,000. He asked if he hates that he's so tall. Wilt said he had problems when he was young but not anymore. He said by the time he was 14 he was almost as tall as he is now.

Howard gave Wilt some plugs for his new autobiography. Howard told Wilt that he's working on a book but he needed someone to help write it. Howard said he isn't sure how he got involved in this whole thing. He said it's a nightmare.

Howard said Gary saw Wilt at the U.S. Open once and he was turning people down for autographs. Wilt said he does that because it's rude to the players out there. He said he's also a huge tennis star and people should be watching the game instead of asking for autographs.

Howard had a woman on the phone who wanted to complain about Wilt not signing autographs. She said she's a tennis pro herself. She said that it's not nice when kids go up to him and he turns them away. Howard said that it's usually the parents who send the kids over to do that stuff and the kids don't even care. Howard said he wishes that this woman would crawl back into her hole. He said if he were Wilt he'd slam dunk her into a hoop. He said she's a selfish woman.

Wilt said that if you sign one then more and more people are going to come up to you. He said there is a place and a time to get an autograph. He said that some people push their kids to get his autograph and the kids don't even know who he is.

Howard let the woman go and talked about some of the stuff that he has been doing with his TV show and stuff. Wilt said he knew about that. Howard told him that he's also on in a bunch of cities around the country. Wilt said he knew about that as well. Robin said they are number one in a lot of those cities too.

Wilt talked about having some famous celebrities. That led to Howard asking if he had slept with any. Wilt said that any woman who has slept with him was a celebrity at the time. Howard asked whose funerals he's been to. Wilt said he went to Elvis' funeral. He was pretty close with the guy.

Howard said that he's never been to a famous guy's funeral. He said he's friends with Grandpa Al Lewis but he just seems to get healthier and healthier.

Howard said he knows they only have a little more time with Wilt. He told Robin she may want to get in there before he has to go. Howard told her to come in and meet him while she can. Howard told Wilt to check out her chest. He told him to goose her too. Robin came in and greeted him. Jackie said she was like a little kid meeting him. Howard said she was all embarrassed.

Howard took some calls for Wilt. He said that he had to get going soon. Howard said he was going to be doing some satellite interviews after that. Wilt said he has about 18 things to do today. One caller said that Wilt is an awful person. Howard hung right up on that guy. Howard ended up talking to him about working with Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian.

The caller who didn't like Wilt called back and said that he really is related to Wilt. Wilt didn't know who he was but the guy knew a lot of information about him. Howard asked him what he wants him to do. The caller said he ran into Wilt back in 1973 or so and hew totally blew him off. Howard said the guy is a pain in the ass so he understands why he blew him off.

Howard said that guy was annoying him and he just called in for a short time. Wilt said he's pretty sure that he wasn't actually his cousin. Howard gave Wilt some plugs for his book and then wrapped up with him and went to break.

Various Stuff. 3/5/01. 6:05am
Howard was trying to talk about the snow storm that's hitting New York today but his microphone kept cutting out. He was talking about how much hype there has been about the storm and how little it's actually dumped on the city. Howard said the news reports kept saying that there would be a foot or two of snow by today but there's only a little bit down. Howard said Ronnie the limo driver left the limo at home and drove his big SUV in to pick him up. Howard wanted him to go home and get the limo because there wasn't that much snow on the ground. Ronnie told Howard he was just prepared for the worst. People are panicking about the storm and a lot of stuff has been closed already and there's hardly any snow.

The conversation changed when Howard started talking about Ronnie wanting to be a race car driver. Howard mentioned that Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s wife is suing to keep her husband's autopsy photos private. Ronnie mentioned that they've been released by someone and she's upset. Howard is worried that when he dies he'll show up on the web also.

Howard continued to badger Ronnie about not driving the limo this morning. Ronnie tried to convince Howard that he was just trying to be prepared for more snow later in the day. Howard said he wanted the limo today because he'll probably be going out to Long Island after the show. Ronnie couldn't win any argument though. Whatever he said was wrong. He eventually apologized for making the wrong choice. He even said he wasn't going to charge Howard for the limo since he had the truck.

Gary made the mistake of telling Howard that he went shopping over the weekend to prepare for the storm. He said everyone was buying up everything and he ended up spending $102 on his groceries. Both Howard and Robin told him that there's no reason to stock up on stuff because the snow will be gone in a day or so. People are acting like it's the end of the world or something. Gary said he bought extra milk because the store might be out for a day or two. Howard and Robin goofed on him for a couple of minutes until Howard finally had to take a break.

In the clip Robin was reading a story about how two of the guys from Menudo were fired for having marijuana. Robin said they were on a layover in Florida and they had drug sniffing dogs there. Robin said they found pot on the guys when the dogs sniffed them out. They found that they had the pot in their crotch area. Howard said they call that ''dingle-refer.''

Robin gave the names of the two guys who were kicked out of the band. One was 18 and the other was 16. Robin said that the dogs were going right for their crotches. Howard said they must have been fermenting it inside their butt cheeks. He said that those are ''dingle doggies'' who found that in there. Robin said they were fired immediately when they found the drugs on them.

Howard said he was going to check Jackie's butt cheeks right now. He told him he wants to see his underpants. Jackie told him not to pay any attention to the brown circle in there. Fred played Jackie's circus music, dogs barking and fart sounds as that was going on.

Robin said they only found a small amount of pot on the guys but they say that marijuana is marijuana so they had to bust them. Robin wondered what band is going to be next. She said Milli Vanilli had been busted too so now that's two bands down. Howard said maybe Josie Sang (Stuttering John's band) is next.

Today's Mammary Lane was over around 11:35am.

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