- Benjy And Howard's Looks Discussed. 08/23/16. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A speech made by a guy complaining about CBS putting Howard Stern on the network, Adam Sandler's ''At a Medium Pace'' song, Richard Christy prank calls a radio show as Rusty not remembering what he wanted to say, Daryl Hall and John Oates performing ''Maneater'' in the Howard Stern Show studio.
Howard started the show playing a Leon Spinks announce for the guest they had coming in today. Leon announced that Amy Schumer is coming in. It was barely understandable. Robin asked who that was. They had Leon singing ''The Great American Nightmare'' theme song too. Howard said he's never heard Leon Spinks sing before. Howard let that play for a few seconds.
Howard went to a clip of Medicated Pete who announced that they have Amy Schumer coming in today. Robin said ''Oh!'' Howard said go to HowardStern.com to watch Pete washing his hands. He said he has OCD and it's a ritual. He said he uses like 500 towels to dry. He said he takes the towels and wipes up all of the water and then his hands are dirty again. He said he drops the towels and then he has to wash his hands again. Robin said she feels sorry for Pete.
Howard said they were working with Pete and he was doing phony phone calls and stuff. He said they keep a microphone on him and that's disgusting because he's eating. Howard said they provide free pretzels there and Pete was eating them up. Robin said the cupboard is pretty much bare right now. Howard said he thought it was cool when they first got there that they had that stuff. He said Benjy eats a lot of pretzels. Robin said there's something missing there. She said it used to be loaded up more. Benjy asked if she was looking for pretzels. Robin said no and got frustrated with him.
Robin said even the vending machine is almost empty there. Howard said Artie used to love the vending machine. He said they even had a song about it. Benjy said he cut back on the pretzels for a while. He said he hated it when they were open. Howard said he wouldn't touch them either. Benjy said he's surprised Robin noticed the pretzels. Howard said they should be invisible to Robin.
Howard said Benjy is wearing the headphones in a way to cover up his bald head. Howard said he's always wearing something to cover up his head. Howard told him to push his headphones back. Benjy said it'll be on camera and he doesn't like that. Howard asked if he thinks he's a sex symbol. Benjy said he thinks he has potential but not as a sex symbol. Howard asked if he's going to walk around with a cap on all the time. Benjy said he likes to keep his head covered. Howard told Jason to take a picture of him with the headphones on like that.
Howard said he knew something was going on with Benjy. He saw the headphones on like that and knew. Benjy asked if he ever sees pictures of himself and loves them. Howard said sometimes he takes a good picture. He said he took one with Usher yesterday and you can see the right side of his face. He said sometimes his pictures don't look good. He said he poses very specifically. He said he gets in the same position so he looks like a cardboard cutout sometimes. Howard said he was out somewhere with his wife and this woman came up to him to take a picture. She claimed to be a fan. Howard said he didn't want to take a picture. Howard said she was shocked. Howard said he didn't want to explain it to her that he doesn't want to be on her Facebook looking shitty. Howard said he looks horrible when they take a selfie. Howard said he won't explain that to her. He said he isn't Brad Pitt and he has to have the right angle. Howard said everyone has that same feeling.
Benjy said he thinks Howard has a good face. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he's got one angle he looks okay at. Benjy said he thinks Howard is a good looking guy. Howard thanked him for that but said he thinks he's a 3. Benjy asked Robin what Howard is. Howard answered for her and said he's a 3. Robin sighed. Howard said sometimes on America's Got Talent they had a camera that would show him from the wrong angle. He said he'd be walking around and they'd get him willy nilly. He said they'd get him from dead on and it was monstrous. Robin said Howard is saying this but a woman called the other day and said he was gorgeous. Howard said she was probably a gargoyle. Howard said Mila Kunis isn't walking in there saying that. Howard said he got a celebrity wife match of Mila the other day. He said he'd bang her hard like he would to Rihannna. Howard said she's some girl. He said she looks dirty. Howard said she's got those tattoos and that attitude. Howard said it's like her shit doesn't stink.
Howard said the only time he's really happy is when he's fucking. He said Benjy has to stop staring at him like that. Howard said he was happy last night when he was eating. He said he jerked off too. He said he was happy after doing his homework for the show. He ate his Eggplant parmesan and watched The Five on FOX News. He said then he went upstairs and beat off to get into bed. He said he has an advance copy of Narcos season 2. Howard said it was just as good as season 1. He said he watched Ray Donovan too. Howard said he loves Liev Schreiber on that show.
Howard said the other thing that's good this year is The Strain. Howard said he got the first 3 episodes of the show. Howard said it's really good. Howard said that's coming back soon.
Howard said Narcos is really good. He said Pablo Escobar is like Superman. Howard said he wants to go home and watch episode 2 now. Howard said he's happy laying in bed watching shows. Howard said that's why he likes TV so much. He said he loves to fuck too.
Benjy let out a sound that creeped Howard out. Howard turned his microphone off. Howard said he was dangerous when he was single. He said he was out fucking people nightly. He said that's not a good thing to be doing.
Howard brought up Doc Gooden and talked about the news story about how people think he's dying and want to do something about it. Howard said the guy just wants to be left alone. Howard said people want to do interventions and they look for celebrities to do them. Howard said he's been asked to do it and he just wants to be left alone. Howard said his psychiatrist has been away for a while now and it's not good. Howard said it's august and all of the weirdness comes out. Howard said he needs a team working on him. Robin asked if he ever asks if he wants someone to help him while he's away. Howard said he doesn't. He said he can get through the month without the psychiatrist. Howard said he's just neurotic. He said he's not crazy. Howard said he's alone all the time.
Robin said he said he used to go on the prowl. Howard said Ralph used to tell him to pace himself. He said he had to go out and do something. Benjy asked if Howard wanted to be alone after he fucked. Howard said he didn't care either way. He said the woman could stay or leave. Howard said sometimes he wanted them to leave. Howard said Robin should have seen some of them. He said she'd want them to leave too. Howard said she'd have to sleep with one eye open. Howard said he was with some lovely people.
- Sal And Richard Play Bongos With Their Dicks. 08/23/16. 7:10am
Howard said that Sam Ash sent over some bongos and they had Medicated Pete play them. Howard read the note they got from Sam Ash about why they sent over the bongos. Howard said they even sent over a bag to carry them in. Howard said Sammy Ash is a listener of the show and he sent them over. Howard said listen to Pete playing the bongos. He said he's actually pretty good. Howard played the clip and he was pretty good. Howard said Sal and Richard wanted to play with their penises. Howard said he was fine with that. He asked what's up with those guys. Howard said it's funny to him. Robin said she's getting tired of that. She said it's the same old joke. Howard said Richard got his asshole waxed. Robin said asshole is always funny.
Howard said Pat Monahan sent over some of his wine. Howard said it was really good. Sal came in and asked Robin what the hell she's talking about. Howard told him to just play the bongos with his dick. Howard said he wants to play them before Sal and Richard touch them though. Howard played the bongos for a few seconds. He played Wipe Out. Richard said he needs a stand because his legs are muffling the sound. Howard played them on top of his desk and it sounded a little better.
Howard said they even have a little holder thing for them. Howard wanted JD to hold them while Sal and Richard played with their penises. Sal asked Robin to help chub him up. Robin said she'll do that but it's his lip that will be fat.
Howard asked Richard why he has jeans that he hasn't washed in 10 years. Richard said you're not supposed to wash them. He said it shortens the life. He said that you can freeze them and it kills the bacteria. Howard said Sal is standing here trying to chub up while Richard is talking about that. Sal said he just smacked his cock on Richard's jeans. Richard said he has cheese on his jeans now. Gary said he just put his dick on Richard's hand. Richard said the joke's on Sal because he doesn't care.
Howard said Sal isn't going to be able to play the drums. He said Richard has more to play with. Sal banged his penis on the bongos. Richard gave it a try too and he was making some noise. Richard said it hurts a little bit. Sal played along with him.
Howard had Sal and Richard do some solos. Gary said Sal's penis has that extra skin on it so that's why his made more noise. Howard asked how their dicks felt. Sal said he was fine. Richard said Sal's was all skin banging on it. Howard said good for them. Richard said sorry for ruining the bongos. Howard asked if JD enjoyed that. JD said Richard looked at him while he was playing and it was really creepy. He said it was like he was looking at him while he was jerking off. Howard said tomorrow they'll play the violin with their assholes. Richard said one time they were going to play the guitar with their penis when AC/DC was on. They wanted nothing to do with that though. Howard let Sal and Richard go after that.
Howard asked Richard if he's cut back on drinking. Richard said not really. He said it's pumpkin season coming up too so he'll be drinking more. Howard said now they can leave and touch the door handle as they leave. Howard said he has to use cloth to touch the handle every day when he leaves. He went to break a short time later.
- What Is That Thing On Howard Stern's Face? 08/23/16. 7:35am
After the break Howard came right back and said he's such a jerk. He said he made an appointment with his dermatologist. He said he had this thing on his face and thought it was skin cancer. Howard said it was a little thing. He wanted to nip it right in the bud. Howard said he didn't show it to Beth or anything. He showed it to his buddy Pat who looked at it and thought it looked like a scrape. Howard said he asked if he should go to the doctor. Howard said Pat said he should go. Howard said he showed it to Ralph yesterday and Ralph laughed at him saying he was nuts. Howard said Ralph as a big berry on his face. Ralph said he can't even see it. Howard said Ralph was goofing on him and now he has the appointment today. Howard said he was able to get squeezed in right away. Howard said he feels stupid now. Howard said it's almost all gone but there is a little something there. Robin said if it was cancer it wouldn't be going away.
Howard said he may have just scratched himself with a nail. Howard asked Robin to come examine him. Howard said he needs an opinion from someone. He said it's either her or Beetlejuice. Howard asked if he should just go. Robin said in his case he should. Howard asked how you know if you have skin cancer or not. He said he's not sure what it is. He said it's a little spot. Howard said we have to keep him alive or what else will people do in the morning.
Robin agreed to come look at the thing on his face. Howard showed Robin where it was and she took a look but didn't see anything. Robin said there is some redness from where he was poking at it. Robin said it's a little black spot. She said he's turning black. Howard said it could be skin cancer. Robin said it looks like some dead skin. Howard said it could be cancer. Howard asked if he should cancel. Robin told him to go to be sure that something isn't wrong. Howard showed Robin what he was talking about again and Robin said it looks like a scratch to her. Howard said he's falling apart.
Howard said maybe he'll cancel. He said he sees something irregular about it. Howard said it's a pain to get to the dermatologist office anyway. Robin said it's either a pimple or a scratch.
Howard took a call from The Scratch on his face. Howard asked him what he is. He said he'll never tell. Howard said he's going to take him to the doctor today to get rid of him. The Scratch said he loved watching TV with him last night. Howard told him to prepare some jokes before calling in next time. Howard let The Scratch go.
Robin said that skin cancer doesn't pop up over night. Sal came in and said he had skin cancer and people told him it was nothing. He said it turned out to be melanoma. Howard told him not to touch his face or he'll punch him. Sal came over and looked and told him it's cancer. Howard said he's glad he's going to the doctor. Sal said his looked like that. He said his looked purplish to him and that's what cancer was. Robin said there aren't two different colors there. Sal said Robin is just covering her ass. Howard said he's going to go. Sal said the tinge of purple is what tells him it's cancer.
- Evil Dave Letterman. 08/23/16. 7:45am
Howard took a call from Evil Dave Letterman (pre recorded clips) who was outside with birds chirping. Evil Dave said he was sleeping in the woods on the NJ Turnpike. Dave said that he realizes how totally insignificant Benjy is when he's out there looking up at the sky.
Howard asked Dave if he heard the Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore was canceled. Dave said it was very racist to cancel it just because no one watched it or liked it ever. Howard asked Evil Dave about Caitlyn Jenner's show being canceled. Dave asked how they're going to see her now other than fucking everywhere.
Dave said he had a dream about gargling with Memet's balls. Howard said he still has that biting wit. Dave said he has a self driving car and it wouldn't let him run someone over. He asked if Gary thinks Jon Hein's jizz tastes like horsie sauce.
Howard said he's sure Dave would have fun with Trump if he was still on the air. Dave had a top 10 list of groups Trump needs to kick out after the Mexicans. He read one and had a band playing drum and cymbal. He only got out one. Howard let Evil Dave go a short time later. Howard said bye to Dave a bunch of times and Dave kept saying goodbye with different sayings. Dave said he can smell Gary's breath through the phone. Howard told him to hang up but Dave told him to hang up. They went back and forth with that for a minute. The guys kept playing the Evil Dave clips with Howard. Howard said imagine they do this until 11 o'clock. Howard said ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and said he's really hanging up. Howard finally hung up. Howard said Dave would not hang up.
Howard said he'd like to get the real David Letterman in there. Robin said he did an interview with Dan Rather. Howard said it was Tom Brokaw actually.
Howard said Rob Burnett put out a new movie. Howard said he saw it and it was good. Howard said he became a Selena Gomez fan. Gary said it was ''The Fundamentals of Caring.'' Howard said the movie was really good and Selena was good in it. Howard said it's about a sick kid who Paul Rudd takes on a trip to get him out of the house. He said they meet Selena on the road and it was a cute movie. Howard said Rob did a nice job with that. Howard said he'd have Rob on the show to talk about it but he won't talk about Letterman.
- Howard Takes Some Calls. 08/23/16. 7:50am
Howard took a call from a woman who put him on privacy mode and Howard had no idea what she did. Howard said now all he hears is a baby. Howard said he's sick of her already and he's going to hang up on her. Howard said he's not sure what mode that is. He said Amy Schumer is coming by today. Robin said she's glad to have her back. Howard said she wrote a book. He read that she got $8 million to write it. Howard said they say no one gets that kind of money. He said Lena Dunham got like $3 million. Robin said Hillary got $5 million.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he knows there is a 50 percent chance he's going to leave with a big scar on his face from the dermatologist. Howard said he's going to say he won't sue. He said if it's just a pimple he's not going to take something off. The caller said they may leave him with a 3 inch gash on his face. Howard said this guy is the top guy so he's not worried. Howard said he isn't some hack.
Howard had some phony phone calls to play. Howard said they called this guy's radio show and it was harmless. He said they had a woman call in with her hyphenated name. He said he got frustrated with her. Howard played the clip and the woman gives her name which had about 30 last names in it. The host of the show got pissed and yelled at her about that. The woman said he's been divorced a bunch of times. She tried to go on with the last names. She rattled off a bunch more and the host said hang up on her. He asked what the hell she wants. She said she wanted to talk about Hillary Clinton. She started to repeat the hyphenated last name. The host got pissed again and told her to shut up. They didn't hang up on her though. She rattled off a ton of names until they finally hung up on her. The host said she's banned and she'll never be on the show again.
Howard said he's not sure why he didn't hang up on her sooner. Howard said the guy figured out it was Richard that called so he called and left a message on his voicemail. Howard played that clip where the guy told him to have that woman kiss his ass and Richard can kiss his ass too.
Howard said the guy calls these guys trolls so they had an actual troll call the show. Howard played that call next and Richard had his voice changed to sound like a troll from under a bridge. The host got pissed and yelled at him for calling his radio show. He gave out their number while Richard kept talking as the troll. The host said he wants to know why these trolls call his show. He said he'll track them down and beat the hell out of them. The host said they're banned from his show and hung up on Richard.
Howard said he likes that guy. He said he's good. Robin asked if he's on the internet. Howard said he is. Howard said he predicts he'll be on a real radio station anytime now. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
- More Phone Calls. 08/23/16. 8:10am
After the break Howard came right back and took a call from a guy who said he's been a fan since he was 12 years old. Howard thanked him for the call. The caller asked if he has ADD. Howard said there's no such thing. The caller said he's so preoccupied with the diseases and stuff. Howard said he saw an irregularity with his skin and he's getting it checked out. The caller said it's not unlike Howard to be worried about something like this. Howard said he's not that worried. Howard said he's in the dopiest conversation. Howard asked what kind of living this guy makes. The caller, Max, said he works in health care. Howard said that's impossible. He asked if he works with people. Max said he does. Howard asked if he annoys the fuck out of people. He asked what his job is specifically. Max said he works in tech support. Howard said he's a tough guy to follow.
Max asked if he can play a game. He said he'll do it just for fun. Howard said the guy started out with the ADD thing. Fred said he thinks he meant OCD. Howard said this ADD thing is attention deficit. Howard said he thinks he had that in school because he was bored. Howard said when he's interested in something he's not bored and doesn't have ADD. Howard said he's going to play the hang up game with Max. He hung upon Max a short time later. He said Max won the hang up game.
Howard said he was going to play the number game where he has to pick a number between 1 and fuck you. Howard said he doesn't believe in ADD. He said he thinks it's all BS. Robin asked about ADHD. Howard said that's not real either.
Howard took a call from a woman who he thought sounded hot. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's younger than Howard. She said she's 42. Howard said that's not bad. The caller, Kim, said that she gets hit on at work. She said she's 5'2'' and 110 pounds. Howard said she should be 5'8'' and she'd be perfect. Howard said it actually sounds about right.
Kim said she had a dream about Howard last night but she's not going to get into that. Howard asked about her breast size. She was a B-cup. Howard said that's nice. Howard asked if she's athletic. She said kinda sorta. She said that she's double jointed. Howard said he's thinking about the B-cups. Howard asked if she has tried anal. Kim said no. Howard asked if she's afraid. She said she's sorta, kinda afraid. Howard asked who she looks like. Kim said she looks like Sally Field.
Howard asked if she's easy to get. Kim said no. She said she's had maybe 25 lovers in her life. Howard said she's a hot commodity. Howard asked if she wears panties to work. She said she doesn't wear panties. Howard asked if she goes to work in jeans and no panties. Kim said yes. Howard asked what her favorite position is. She said anything that feels good. Howard asked if she smokes weed. She said no. Howard said that's alright.
Kim said she has a small question for Howard. Howard asked if she's married. She said she's separated. Howard asked what went on there. Kim said Howard has been through that too so he knows. Howard asked how soon after the divorce did she fuck a guy. She said it was a couple of months. Howard asked if she went on a date and wore jeans without panties. She said maybe. Howard asked if she shaved off her bush for the date. She said it's groomed very well. Howard asked if she's on Tinder. She didn't know what that was. Howard asked if she bangs anyone at work. She said no. Howard said she sounds like a fun gal.
Howard asked Kim if she likes when guys kiss her boobs. She said yes. She said no to having her asshole licked. Howard asked if she's good at oral. Kim said she is. She said she feels bad that she called now. Howard said he's interested in her. Howard said he's asking questions about her. She said that's true. Howard said she must like the attention.
Howard asked if she licks the balls. She said no to that. Howard asked what her question is. Kim said Howard said something yesterday about his dad's ears. She said he has said he's talked about the hearing aid. Howard said he did. Howard asked her what she has done crazy sexually. She said she did it on the top of a car in back of a night club once.
Howard asked what she was up to with her work. She said that she works for a company. She was collecting money for something but she didn't say what it was for.
Howard asked if she's working in a place where she can hide from the customer and touch herself. Kim said no. Howard said he bets that her pants are too tight. Kim laughed and said they are. Kim said she loves talking to Howard. She said that she had a dream about him last night. She said they had an affair but they never did it. She said he was living with her. Howard asked what happened. Kim said they were looking for some kind of animal in the house and then she woke up. She said it was weird that they were living together. Howard asked if his penis was big. She said she didn't see it.
Kim asked who made the hearing aid he was talking about yesterday. Howard said he doesn't know. Howard said the whole thing didn't make sense. Howard said they were like 5 grand though. Kim said her mom's are that much too but they suck.
Howard asked if she wears a bra to work. She said of course. She said she had fun talking to Howard. Someone yelled out ''Is that Howard Stern?'' Howard wanted to talk to the guy to find out what Kim looks like. Kim said Dave doesn't want to talk to him. Howard told him to go fuck off. Kim was laughing. Howard said he just wanted to ask Dave what she looks like. Dave wasn't coming over to the phone. Howard said the guy is acting all cunty. Howard said maybe he'll talk to him and she'll have sex with him. Kim said he'd like that. Howard asked how he tells her he wants her. She said he tells her all the time.
Howard asked if the guy is handsome. She said he's a kid. She said she loves young guys. She said he's 25. Howard said he's a wise ass. Howard said if she won't fuck him then Robin will. Howard said he really has to go. He said he'll ask his dad about the hearing aid thing. Howard told her to put her underpants on at work. She said she can't do that.
Howard asked if she moves her bowels every day. She said yes. Howard said the right answer is no. He let her go after that. He said she was a lot of fun. He said he was a little annoying but so what.
Howard said if a guy asks you if you take a dump every day don't say yes. He said you say you don't know.
Howard said he's not sure what his dad is using. He said he was having such a tough time hearing. Howard did his mother's voice and talked about the hearing aid thing. Howard had his mother talking about talking Ben into getting one. Howard said he yelled at his dad to just go try it. Now he loves it. Howard had his dad asking who that is talking. Howard told him it's Robin. He had his mom telling Ben that it's Robin and Ben kept asking who that is. Howard said they're back in time before he got the thing. Howard said his dad didn't think he needed one. He said there was no risk to him because he can try it without being charged. Howard said this is a respectable place they went to. He said 3 months ago they made an appointment to try one out because his dad wanted to wait. Howard said he might not be alive in 3 months. He said just go immediately. He said it's so crazy.
Howard said he has a new song parody about Robin. He played that for her and said it's to that new Rihanna song. Howard asked if Robin likes that. He said it was from Psych.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she loves him. She said that she goes to HowardStern.com for the quiz and she didn't do well today with the Amy Schumer quiz. Howard said he took one the other day and only got 7 out of 10. He said it's hard. Mariann said she only got 4 out of 9 today. She said she licensed to the Tracy Morgan interview and Jimmy Kimmel interviews a bunch of times. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has watched the new Match Game with Alec Baldwin yet. Howard said he saw it once. Howard said he loved Match Game. He said there was something there with Gene Rayburn. Howard said the celebrities were losers. He said they were only famous from being on the show. Howard said it was weird because one of the panelists was the wife of Jack Klugman. He said that was Brett Summers. Howard said she became famous from being on the show. Howard said he wondered if he would want famous people on his version of the show. Howard said Burt Convey would be on the show and he sat there like he was famous. Howard said Brett Summers would be on the show and announced last. Howard said he's not sure how they passed her off as a famous person.
Fred played the Match Game music and Howard said that was the thinking music. Robin read about people they used to have on that game like James Daily and Joyce Bullefont. Howard said he remembers her. Robin said Nipsy Russell would be on sometimes too. Robin read through some of the other names they had on the old show. Howard didn't know who some of the people were. Howard said it was kind of charming that they had these people on that show. He said they were nobodies and it was the greatest show ever. Howard said the new Match Game he hasn't seen much of. He said having Alec Baldwin on the show makes it too good. He said Rosie O'Donnell is too famous for the show. Howard said Alec's door man should be the guest. He said he's not sure how the show is doing in the ratings. Howard said Betty White and her husband used to be on the show a lot. Howard said Alan Ludden used to be on with her. Howard said he was a game show host.
Howard said if he was the host of Match Game he'd get the woman who did the ''Where's the Beef'' thing or Screech. Howard said maybe not even him. He'd get a girl who fucked Screech.
Howard said he'd get Yucko the Clown on the show. Robin said that's who they should get on the new one. Howard said he'd have James Gandolfini's pool boy.
Robin read some other names of people who were on Match Game. Howard said the people on the show now are too famous. Howard said he'd have Robin's Captain Dennis on the show instead. Howard said that's who they should be having on. Howard said he'd get Juan Pablo from The Bachelor on the show.
Howard asked if Marsha Mason is around. Robin said she is in a TV show. Howard said he remembers her in a movie with James Caan. Howard said she was bent over a pool table and he almost saw her ass and beat off to it. Howard asked why Neil Simon would leave Marsha Mason. He said you'd think he'd be worshiping her.
Howard said he would get some crazy fuckers to do Match Game like Scott Greenstein's maid, Mary Jo Buttafuocco and Elvira and people like that. Howard said that's who he'd have playing the game. He said he'd have Gary Charrone and Sydney Leathers too. Howard said the way they do it now they have people who are too well known.
Howard said he could have Steve Brandano and the inventor of the Sybian on the show. Howard said he'd have Coco the singing gorilla on. Howard said that's the charm of the show. He said you didn't know who the celebrity was or who the contestant was.
Howard said he would have the worst best celebrities on the show. He said he'd have Eric the Actor's handler Jon on the show. Robin said the people on now are too famous. Howard said they are. Howard said he'd have Yaqi the Tickler on too. Howard said he'd keep the same music too. He said what a show that would be. He said he'd have Pauly Shore's dry cleaner and Vinnie Favale on.
Howard asked who came up with this Match Game music. Fred was still playing it. Howard introduced guest after guest. He had Human Numan and people like that. Howard said he would have Steve Langford on too. Howard said he'd reject all of the famous people. Howard named Eron from the Riley Martin show. Robin named some people Howard didn't recognize from the current Match Game line up. Howard knew some of the people. Howard said they used to have one hot girl on the show. He said they'd be kind of hot. Howard said he'd get the biggest group of losers on. Robin read more celebrity names. Howard said they're all too famous. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
- Amy Schumer Visits. 08/23/16. 8:55am
After the break they played ''A Storm Tip from Richard Christy's Dad'' bit, a phony phone call Sal and Richard made to a religious internet show, a song parody about Ronnie the Limo Driver and a message of hope from Wendy the Slow Adult about children born without heads. They also played Adele's ''Someone Like You'' and Robin singing ''Cocaine.'' They played a phony phone call to a Swap Shop show using Medicated Pete clips. They played John Mayer's cover of ''Free Fallin'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he's going to interrupt this song and insert himself. He said Amy Schumer is there and she wrote a book which is a memoir kind of thing. Howard said she's a big star. Amy said it's such a violent way to put headphones on. She was talking about the way Gary put them on.
Amy said she was in the hospital because she was coughing so much that she cracked a rib. Howard said he thinks she's doing too much. Howard said she was burning the candle at both ends. Howard said she has a young boyfriend and she's trying to please him and everyone in show business. Amy said he's right except when it comes to sex. She said she just lays there like she's getting a CAT scan. She said Howard is right about the other stuff. Howard asked why she doesn't put anything into sex. Amy said they love having sex but she deals with his balls with her own volition. She said they have sex every day. She said it's not sexy having sex with a girl whose rib hurts.
Howard said he learned a lot about Amy in her new book. Howard said he found some interesting parts in there. Howard asked if she got $8 million for the book. Amy said that's not true. She said she got 100 million and she already spent the money. Howard said he's sure she wrote it herself. Amy said she did and she worked on it with her sister in law and her sister.
Howard said Amy is about to do a world wide stand up tour. Amy said she's going to die so take it all in. She said she got herself sick and she doesn't' have time to take off. She said after new year's she's going to take sometime off. Howard said he admires that work ethic. Howard said she's young and she can use that energy to build something great.
Howard asked Amy if she was in the middle of filming a movie when she got sick. She said she did and they had to stop production. She said she felt awful. She said insurance wouldn't clear her to go back to work. Howard said she was working with Goldie Hawn too. Howard asked if she felt a sense of dread. Amy said it was one of the worst times in her life. She said they were in Hawaii and she was bed ridden. Amy said she was there with her sister and things were just going awful. She said she was being drained in there and they had to laugh about it all.
Howard asked if this is the first movie she's done since Trainwreck. Amy said she did another one that was a drama. She said it was called ''Thank You For Your Service.''
Howard said Trainwreck made $135 million. He asked if the scripts are getting better. Howard said they must be. Amy said she was surprised that they cast her for this movie. She said the movie was about PTSD. She said it's a real story. She said David Finkle wrote a book about PTSD and that's what the movie is based on.
Howard asked Amy about how the audition thing went for the movie. She said she tried really hard for it and she ended up getting the part.
Howard said Amy donated her salary from that movie to military families. He said that's pretty cool. Amy said the Goldie Hawn movie is coming out next year. She said they were all in Hawaii and she missed 7 full days of shooting. Howard asked if she sees herself sick in the movie. Amy said not at all. She said they had a great time making it. She said it's such a funny movie.
Howard said when he read that she gave her salary to the military families and she gave almost all of her salary to her crew on Inside Amy Schumer he wonders if she has money. Amy said she makes good money doing stand up. Howard said comedy Central makes good money so they should be paying her crew. Amy said that's not the way it works. She said it felt good to give her crew the money. She said it feels so good to do that.
Howard said Amy was given a $1 million advance for a book and she returned it. Amy said the agent she was working with got her $500,000 and she asked for a million and they got it. Howard said Amy returned the money. Amy said she gave it back plus 50 grand. She was too busy to do it at the time. She said she figured she could do a better job if she waited.
Howard said this time they gave her $8 million. Amy said they did not. Howard said he's just trying to figure it all out. Howard said he heard she went to see Hamilton and she gave a $5,000 tip. Amy said people should spread their money around. She said it feels so good to be able to do that. Howard said that's a great tip. Howard said it was a $77 bill and she gave a $5,000 tip. Howard asked if she's upset that it ends up in the paper. Amy said she asks people not to tell the press but they do. She said it's a lot of pressure now when she goes out.
Howard asked if she feels pressure from these movies and the box office now that she's done well with Trainwreck. Amy said no. She said she is still so naive. She said she's not sure Trainwreck made that kind of money and she's not dying to stay in the movie biz. She said she loves doing stand up and she loves writing.
Howard said Amy played Madison Square Garden. Howard said he wasn't there because he had no idea it was happening. Howard asked if that was the biggest crowd she's ever played. She said maybe it was. She said she has done the Oddball tour too and that's big but it's not just her. Howard said it must be tough to relate to the audience when it's that vast. Amy said it was the best night of her life. She said there were 18,000 people there and it was so cool. Howard asked if it works like it does in a small club. Amy said she's been doing arenas on the road so she was used to it. She said she's doing a big tour soon too so she'll be playing more arenas. Howard said she's the first female comic to play Madison Square Garden.
Howard said he asked Whitney Cummings if she feels the jealousy from other comics after making it big. Howard asked Amy if she feels under attack. Amy said it's not about her. She said that she was friends with some people in the beginning and not a lot of them are left in her life. Howard asked if she has tried to hang with them. Amy said some of them said they can't deal with it. She said she's been doing stand up for 13 years or so and she's been friends with some comics for 10 years. Amy said she's still close with her high school friends. She said it was tough for a while but they found each other again.
Howard asked if she ever goes out to dinner and someone else picks up the bill. Amy said she won't let that happen. Howard asked if Judd Apatow wants to work with her more. Amy said she's sure he would but he's busy doing other things. She said that she has another movie in the works.
Howard said in her book (''The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo'') he noticed a theme. He said he didn't know she was in love with her dad. Howard said she writes a lot about her father but not much about her mother. Howard said he didn't know that she had an affair. Howard asked if her mom got upset about that. Amy said she cleared everything. She said she told her mom she would take the whole chapter out if she wanted to. Amy said she was fine with it.
Howard said the thing that struck him was that her mom had an affair with Amy's best friend's father. Howard said that's like lighting a nuclear bomb in her life. Amy said she was at a good age for that. She was 13. Howard said she was so together at that age. Amy said she felt like they were all in this quest and they were doing the best they could. She said it was really hard. She said she had some anger for her mom but it was mostly just pain. She said it's a cycle of pain and guilt. Howard asked if her mom is still in her life. Amy said she is. She said she read back her journals and her mom made her a support system. She said she was angry about that. Howard said Amy got brainwashed into thinking dad was the bad guy. Howard said he likes that she included the journal in the book. Howard said she should do a whole book about that. Amy said she might. She said she kept a journal from 13 to 23. Howard said that's very good. He said he picked up this thing with her dad.
Howard asked Amy if she drinks a lot. Amy said she has wine every night pretty much. She said her dad used to drink a lot. She said now he's like Stephen hawking so he can't but he sneaks wine. Amy said he's getting ready to get Stem Cells. Robin said they do say red wine is good for you. Amy told her to stop it.
Howard asked if her dad gave the okay for her to write about him shitting in public. Amy said he did. She said that the first time they were at an amusement park and they were going on the roller coaster and they got down once and he wasn't there. She said she was maybe 11 or 12 and he wasn't there. He finally came back and he was wearing not pants. She said his shirt was long and the bottom was all wet. She said he said they had to go. Amy said she got a whiff of what was up when they were leaving so she let her sister sit in the front. She said that they got back home and he asked them not to tell their mom about it. She said he was stripped of all dignity.
Howard asked Amy about her childhood and how they went bankrupt. Amy said things were good until she was about 9 and then it all went away.
Howard asked Amy how long she's been with this boyfriend. Amy said Howard met him the second night they went out. Howard said this is a really long relationship. Howard said Amy dated a guy once who raped her. Amy said she felt it was important to write that. She said she was in an abusive relationship and she thinks it's a good thing for men and women to read. She said that this guy who raped her was in bed while they were half asleep and he was doing stuff to her while she slept. She said she stayed in the relationship with him and it messed her up. Howard asked if she's warning women about how fucked up guys are. Amy said that it's not a perfect rape thing. She said people hear her saying that and they think she knew what was happening. Amy said that they can make victims not want to speak up. She said her virginity was taken from her not in a cool way. She said that she didn't want to press charges against the guy. She said she used to talk about it in her act and she called it Grape because it was a grey area. Howard said he knew better when he was a kid. He said he knows not to put his penis in a girl if she's sleeping. Amy said it's not a grey area about it being rape but a grey area about knowing what to do.
Howard said he knows a lot of women who won't speak out. He said they won't report it and they feel bad for the boyfriend. Amy said it's messed up and not fair. She said it shouldn't have happened to her and she hopes this helps stop it from happening to at least one person.
Howard said he's not sure what the guy's real name was. Amy said it's Ronnie the Limo Driver. She was kidding of course. Howard asked if this guy smacked her around or yelled at her. Amy said he would yell at her and there was some times when he hurt her. She said he would rip the shower curtain down and laugh at her and he pissed on her too. Howard asked why she would stay with a guy like that. Amy said she was in love with the guy. Amy said she's always done well for herself but she thought she was meant to be with this guy.
Howard asked Amy why she stayed and didn't get out. Amy said she loved him and believed him. Robin said he was apologizing and she believed him. Amy said she eventually knew she had to get out. She said she had to do it for her little sister. She said she didn't want her to get that phone call. Howard said she was like a different person in a sense. Amy said she was always a wise ass. She said that it can happen to anyone though.
Howard said with the new boyfriend does she have trust issues. He asked if she thinks he's going to fuck up. Amy said that it's not who he is. She said he is the most gentle guy. She said she will get flash backs though. She said she can freak out. She said she had it happen once with them. She said it probably helped her get closer though.
Howard asked about her describing herself as being an introvert and if she can go to a party and enjoy it. Amy said she doesn't like going to parties. She said it's her worst nightmare to go to a celebrity party. She said you have to wear things that are uncomfortable and talk about stuff you don't want to talk about. Amy said she doesn't like the farce of the whole thing.
Howard asked if she feels like she has to talk and schmooze with people. Amy said she went to the Met Gala and met Beyonce. She said that she asked if that was her first time there. Amy said it was her last and it felt like a punishment to her. Howard said it's like a forced conversation. Amy said she has no interest in fashion. She said she is all for dressing more comfortably but she really doesn't care.
Amy said she was on vacation with Ben and she wanted to go buy something expensive. She said they went to a Prada store and they all say a big ''Hi!' and let them know if you need anything. She said of course she'll let them know. She said she just wants to shop. Howard asked if she knows what to buy. Amy said all she knew is that everything looked whack. She said even if it was $39,000 it was crazy.
Howard said Amy hit it off with J-Law. Amy said she's not out to make celebrity friends though. Howard said she's so self aware and that's what she goofs on. Amy said she has to keep it real with people she is friends with. She said she and Taylor Swift hit it off and she's part of that world now. She can't believe it.
Howard said she almost has to do that though. Amy said that she's friends with Lena Dunham and Jerry Seinfeld and people like that. She said that Chris Rock directed her special. She said she's nominated for an Emmy but she's not going to win because she's up against Lemonade by Beyonce. She said she's not going to win against that. Howard asked how that even happens.
Howard asked Amy about the introversion thing. Amy said Howard is like that too. Howard said he won't go anywhere. Howard said he was invited to a great party but just the idea of going and having to talk would feel like a waste of time.
Howard said Amy hates being stuck in an elevator with people. Amy said she hates the small talk. She said that she doesn't want to go through that.
Howard asked if she has a lower back tattoo. Amy said she does and it's awful. She said it's raised and it's not level. She said it's not symmetrical and it doesn't mean anything so it's stupid. She got it at 18. Howard asked if she would ever get it removed. Amy said it's her mistake and she's keeping it. She said that she likes having it there when she goes to the Four Seasons pool. She said she thinks that it's not a tramp stamp but it is white trash. She said she has a slutty lower back tattoo.
<>Howard said the book is called ''The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo'' and she's got a web site at AmySchumer.com
Howard asked Amy if she's pulling a Dave Chappelle and walking away from her Comedy Central show. Amy said it's a lot of work to do that show. She said that it's been a big deal for her but it's a draining thing. Howard said it's kind of exhausting. Amy said she has to pick and choose what she wants to do. She said she has to take care of herself. She said her rib hurts. Howard said this season is her last season. Amy said it is and it's not a negotiation thing. She said it's more like a Larry David kind of thing where she can walk away for a while.
Howard said Amy says in her book that she sold weed and shop lifted. She said she was a kid and she did that. Howard said he doesn't think of her as trash like that. Robin said it's more of a troubled thing. Howard said that Amy had to avoid her mom when she was dating her best friend's dad. Howard said maybe that made her sell the weed and shoplift. Amy said she didn't do that for long. She said she didn't sell the weed for long.
Howard asked if success is a great thing. He said he sees on Twitter that people give her a lot of shit. Howard said it's like she's everyone's darling but then people want to shit on her. Amy said she reads that stuff and corrects their spelling. Howard said it's acknowledging those people thoguh. Howard asked if she blocks people. Amy said she does. She said she likes to be able to tell them she doesn't like the way they're talking to her.
Howard asked Amy about teaching herself how to masturbate. Amy said she watched the movie Mannequin. Howard didn't remember the movie. Howard had to be reminded of what it was about. Amy said she masturbated to that movie. Howard said he senses that when he brings up the affair her mom had she doesn't want to remember it or talk about it. Amy said she wanted to write about it and she's happy to talk about it with Howard. She said she's still in pain about it. Howard asked how she found out about it. Amy said her mom told her. Howard said that's brave. Howard asked why she told her. Amy said she was crying and she asked her about it. She said she was excited for her. She said she didn't leave her dad though. Howard said she stuck around in the marriage. Howard asked why she wrote this book. Amy said Howard wrote a couple. Howard said he regrets writing those books.
Howard asked if Amy is going to marry this guy. Amy said maybe. She said she loves the guy. She said they met online through an app. Howard asked what app that is. Amy said she doesn't want to say what it is unless she's an investor in it. Howard said she doesn't care about money that much. Amy said she wants money. She said it's called ''Jews who love big dongs.''
Howard gave Amy another plug for her book. He said it's available everywhere books are sold. Howard said Amy is in love with this guy Ben. Amy said she will lay there for him any time he wants. She said she doesn't do anything. Howard asked why she doesn't do anything. She said she does talk dirty. She said both of them are very giving. Howard asked if she initiates. She said sure. She said she just doesn't do crazy stuff like you see in hip hop videos.
Howard said Amy hasn't done anal yet. Amy said maybe she'll love it when she does it eventually. She said she knows you have to deal with the lube. Amy said no guy has ever cum on her face either. Howard said he'd never cum on someone's face. He said it's insulting. Amy said Howard is such an angel. She said Beth stole him from the rest of them. Howard said no woman wants his load on her face. Amy said Ben cums inside her usually. She said that she's on the Nuvaring so she's not worried about that. She said that it's a ring you put in there for like 3 weeks and then bleed all over the furniture. She said that it's always the tits. She said the belly is boring. Howard asked if the cum smells. Amy said that her boyfriend's cum smell turns her on actually. She said she hopes his parents don't listen to this. She said they're the sweetest people. She said his mom is like a contestant on the Price is Right who just got called down.
Howard asked if their parents have met. Amy said no. She said she's not sure that's in the cards. She said they're not talking about having kids for at least 2 years. She said you have to take care of them. Amy said she doesn't even have a plant. She said she won't even water that.
Howard asked Amy about meeting the parents of the boyfriend. Amy said that sometimes you get a feeling that the mom loves her son so much that she'd want to fuck him. She said this mom isn't like that. She said she's not sure she's even attracted to her own son. Howard asked if they're upset about her being Jewish. Amy said not at all. She said they're really cool. Howard told her to take it slow with this guy. Amy said that they live together. She said that he has a business at TheLastWorkshop.com. She said he's a furniture maker.
Howard said they should sum up. Then he said maybe they shouldn't. Howard said he wishes her success and the book success. Howard said he's sorry her mom fucked this guy. He said he's sorry about everything else too. Amy said thank you. She said she loves Ben. Howard said a couple of guys really shit on her so he's sensitive to that.
Howard said he saw Amy at a North Shore event. He said he saw her in a bikini somewhere else too. Howard said she looked good. Amy said she looked like Ben Rothlesberger next to Beth. Howard had a laugh over that. Howard gave her some more plugs.
Howard asked Amy why she hates couples that work out together. Amy asked if Howard does that. Howard said no. Amy didn't say why it annoyed her. Howard asked if she's contagious. Amy said no one got sick from her. Howard gave her another plug and asked how much she charged for an ounce. Amy said she doesn't remember. Howard gave her more plugs for her web site and all of that. Howard said he'll hug her goodbye even though she's sick. They went to break after that. As they went to break they played Dido performing ''Thank You'' in the Howard Stern Show studio. They also played a song parody about Howard.
- Howard Plays Wendy Clips And More. 08/23/16. 10:15am
After the break Howard came right back and said it was fun talking to Amy. He said he has to get his hand off his penis. Howard said sometimes it just goes there. Howard said it happens a lot during the show. He said it's not sexual though. He said it is awkward. He said it's like a monkey. He said he'll manipulate it with his hand a bit. He asked if anyone else does that. He said if they do they're fired.
Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult has a message of hope for half human and half retarded people. Howard played the message that she recorded. Wendy said if you see someone half retarded give them this tip. She was talking about how she enjoys her life. Robin wondered if she has happiness or is she depressed. Howard said she's such a positive person. Howard said they had her singing ''I Want Money'' to the tune of ''I Want Candy.'' Howard played the song for Robin and they had Wendy coughing clips in there too.
Howard had a clip of Wendy and JD meeting in the hallway and having a weird conversation. Howard said Wendy was giggling and talking about Cookie Monster and things. Howard played the clip and Wendy talked to JD as Cookie Monster and then demanded that JD talk to her the same way. Howard said he's trying to figure out who the slow one is. Wendy demanded that he talk like that. Howard said he's not sure who was more unintelligible.
Howard said he has a tape of this woman who is his hero. Howard said this guy was jerking off on the train and this woman yells at the guy and he gets off the train. Howard said he can't tell if he was rubbing his dick or not but this women went off on the guy. Howard played the clip and the woman yelled at him to do that shit again and she'll bust his ass. She asked if they understand each other. The woman said she has his picture so get off the train and get the fuck off the train. The guy got off the train. Howard said it was good. He said his wife watched it like 15 times. Howard said some dude would do weird stuff like that to her on the train too. Howard said that's like some Guardian Angel stuff. Howard asked if Robin would love that. Robin said oh yeah. Howard said the guy got right off the train.
Howard said she gave it to JD on the train too. He played a clip the guys put together of the woman yelling at JD. Howard said that's what it would sound like if she did that to JD.
- Robin's News. 08/23/16. 11:25am
Howard said it's time for some news. They played Robin into it with a song parody. Howard said Amy Schumer got bleeped the other day on Good Morning America. Howard said it was for no reason too. Howard said they bleeped pussy willow when she was asked what kind of fragrance she would come out with. Howard had a clip and they bleeped out the pussy willow comment. Howard said that she should have said ''cunt lips'' and maybe that would have gotten out. Howard said it's much more relaxed there on this show.
Robin started her news with a story about a new condom from a company called Hex. Robin said the company is doing a crowd funding thing and they have raised more than a million dollars for this condom. Howard asked if they're using lambskin or something. Robin said they are not. Howard asked what they're doing differently. Robin said it's got a hexagonal texture to it. Robin asked if he'd be interested. Howard said sure. He said he's a Trojan man but he'd give it a try.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked if he caught the Jimmy Kimmel interview with Hillary. Howard said he didn't see it yet but he records the show. Howard said he was listening to Bobo in the car the other day and he kind of got the feeling the audience might be right about not letting him on the air. Bobo said they all have an off day once in a while. He said he contributes a lot. Robin said not lately. Howard had a song parody about Bobo and how they should just hang up on him. Howard said he could play 100 of those in a row. Bobo asked how the feedback was last week about his Kimmel questions. Howard said he gets terrible email about Bobo every day. He said one guy wanted to get on the air this morning to talk about Bobo and he knows Bobo set that up. Bobo said he had nothing to do with that. He said he would never do anything like that and swore on his kids. Howard said he didn't see Hillary on Kimmel. He thanked Bobo for the call. Howard said that was Bobo with his call of the day.
Howard had a clip of Bobo and he says ''You know'' a lot when he talks to Shuli. He said it's a lot. Howard played the clip of Bobo talking to Shuli and saying ''You know'' over and over. He said it like 13 times in 49 seconds. Howard said that's wild. He said he said it 13 times in 49 seconds. Howard said he was listening to it and he was afraid that he'd start saying it too. Howard said meanwhile Bobo knows nothing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how much of the show is scripted. Howard said it's all scripted, even this call. Howard asked if he has a script there. The caller said he does and most of the show is scripted. Howard said the show isn't scripted. Howard said when they do an interview they do a lot of research and stuff. Howard let the guy go. Howard said call back and they'll do another take and include that in the show. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he didn't see Jimmy with Hillary. He said he records a lot of shows but he'll only watch if they have a hot chick on. Howard said he saw that Margot Robbie was on a show and she came out dressed like a nun. Howard said she had this outfit buttoned up to her neck. Howard said this is Margot Robbie. He said he doesn't like that this is who he is but that's what he does. Howard said he turned it off as soon as he saw that outfit. Howard said Kelly Ripa wears a hot outfit and Margot should be wearing one. Howard said she might as well have been wearing a Birkini. Howard said that's how he rolls. He said he doesn't have much fun. Howard said he loves Jimmy but what is Hillary wearing. Howard said he'd watch a funny comedian too on a show like that.
Fred had a picture of Margot Robbie in her dress. Fred said it's like a Little House on the Prairie dress. Howard said they should have thrown her right out. Howard said its like she's trying to get more roles as a nun. Howard said she looks like she was churning butter in the green room. Howard said wake up. That's not what you wear on a show like that.
Robin asked Howard about this guy who survived an execution in 2009 and they want to try again now. Howard asked what the guy did. Robin said he killed someone. Howard said kill him 50 times over. Howard said he likes almost killing the guy and then killing him again. Robin said the execution failed 18 times when they weren't' able to find a vein to put the drugs into. Howard said he knows what she's talking about because animals live through being slaughtered and someone like Jon Stewart will save them. Howard said he is against the death penalty unless they know for sure the guy killed someone. Howard said he knows they make mistake sometimes. Howard said he's pissed that John Hinckley is out.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if they're still thinking about doing the Lenny Dykstra and Ronnie show. Howard said of course. He said that would be triple X rated. Howard said they would talk about sex. He had clips of Lenny and Ronnie saying really dirty things. Howard said they'd have an all female audience vomiting through the whole show. Fred played a bunch of clips and had the caller laughing. Howard said the cunt comments get Robin every time. Robin said the puffy comments get her too.
Robin had a clip from a commercial where they had Maya Angelou speaking. Robin had Howard play the clip which is being used in a commercial. Howard said he hates poetry. He said he's not learning jack shit. He snored while listening to the clip. Howard said he'd rather hear from Spoken Word Robin. He asked her to call in. The guys weren't calling in. Howard said he thought he could make that happen quick.
Robin said Usain Bolt is in the paper and they say he was with some wild women one night. Howard said he thought that guy would behave himself. Robin said it was his 30th birthday. She said maybe it was his last Olympics. Howard took a call from Spoken Word Robin. The guys played clips of Robin repeating some wacky lines she's said and had bongos playing behind her. Howard said that's his kind of poetry.
Robin said that they were talking about Ryan Lochte the other day and he lost a bunch of sponsors. Robin said Usain Bolt isn't losing any. Howard said the Lochte thing was kind of kooky behavior. Howard said Lochte was trying to say ''antics'' in an interview and he said ''tantics'' instead. Howard played that clip. Howard said he thinks that guy has been in the water so much he thinks like a fish. Howard said he spends all day going back and forth in the pool and maybe he bangs his head on the side. Howard said his mother used to wear a big rubber thing on her head to protect her hair in the pool. Howard said it's like that thing the swimmers wear. Howard said god forbid she messes up her hair. He said a lot of women can't do their hair apparently. Howard said he just wanted his mom to enjoy her life instead of wearing that rubber thing on her head. Howard talked about how hideous the thing was. Howard did impressions of his mom and dad for a short time.
Howard said his mom bought him Playboy as a young kid and she told him that those women were freaks and most women look like her. Howard said he was going to hold out for one of the freaks. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a woman on Good Morning America said ''colored people'' and apologized for saying that. Robin said that this woman is a very young looking woman. Gary said she claims she meant to say ''people of color'' but she got confused. Howard asked if she's a swimmer. Robin said this was a news woman. Howard had a clip to play where the reporter said ''colored people.'' Howard said that's a little weird. He asked where she's from. Benjy said she grew up in St. Louis. Howard said the have black people there. Howard asked if she's going to be fired. Robin said she released an apology and an explanation. Howard said he loves when they mess up like that.
Robin read a story about Siegfried and Roy having a Netflix mini series. Howard said he's been saying that's the one thing they're missing from Netflix. Robin said they say it will be a documentary kind of show. Robin said they're sinking $150 million of their own money into it. Howard said he thought one of the guys got eaten by a tiger. Robin said he's in a wheelchair but he's getting around better than he used to apparently. Howard said he wishes they would say ''colored people.'' Howard said he thinks that woman should be cut some slack on that. He said they'll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Robin read about Tyra Banks teaching a class at Columbia University. Robin said she'll be teaching how to build and maintain a personal brand. Howard said look at her. Robin said she says she's excited beyond anything to teach. Howard said he should teach.
Robin said Britney Spears is jumping in to help her home town that was hit by flooding. Robin said they're doing a benefit show for flood relief for Louisiana. Robin said they are going to auction off the outfit she'll wear to the MTV video music awards. Howard said that's a little pervy. Howard said they should bid on it and have Benjy wear it after he shows up late again. Howard said they'll squeeze him into that thing.
Robin read about another sexual harassment suit against Roger Ailes and FOX news. Fred played some JD laughing clips as Robin went through that story. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Jimmy Carter and how he thought he only had a few weeks to live when he had brain cancer. Howard said then they cured him. Robin had some audio of Carter talking about that. Robin said Carter announced in March that he's cancer free. Howard said Dr. Agus was on with Kelly Ripa and he was saying that they have all kinds of drugs coming out all the time. He said that's what helped Carter.
Robin read about Muhammad Ali's widow opening up about Ali's death in June. Robin had some audio of her talking about his funeral and other things.
Robin read a story about Al Franken talking about standing behind Hillary Clinton. Robin had the audio of Franken talking about how he trusts Hillary to do this job. Robin said he was on Conan O'Brien's show talking about that. Robin had another clip of Franken talking about how funny Hillary is in person. She also had a clip of Franken talking about how they need someone sane and competent and Trump isn't that person. Robin had some audio of Jon Oliver asking Donald Trump to just drop out of the election. Robin said it's kind of a crazy election year. Robin said you don't usually ask someone to drop out, you just don't vote for them.
Robin said there are wild fires going on out in California and they're threatening San Simeon. Robin had some audio of an official talking about that.
Robin read about Donald Trump canceling a bunch of appearances in the West. Robin had audio of his campaign manager talking about why they had to cancel. Robin said they say Trump is still crafting his immigration plan.
Robin read a story about a harmonica legend dying at the age of 94. Howard said Toots Thielemans is known for playing on a Billy Joel album. Howard said he has to confess he hates the harmonica though. Robin said Toots died in his sleep in Belgium. Robin said he stopped touring in 2014. Robin said he was best known for the Sesame Street theme song.
Robin read a story about the Madden NFL 17 game hitting shelves today. Robin said it's been going on for 20 years now.
Robin read a story about Justin Timberlake hosting an event for Hillary Clinton today. Robin said he stepped in at the last minute when Leonardo DiCaprio had a scheduling conflict. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.