- Big Foot Game And Taylor Swift Arguments. 03/31/15. 7:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: A ''Howard Stern Show'' opera song parody, a prank call the guys made to a guy using George Takei audio clips, Sal and Richard interview people asking if Howard Stern or Jerry Sandusky is worse, Train performing ''If It's Love'' in the Howard Stern Show studio, a Howard Stern Show theme song.
Howard started the show talking about a guest they have calling in today. He said she's one of the people who wants to go to Mars and she was chosen to go. Howard said he was on her web site reading about her last night. He said he had a lot of fun on it. Howard said she must be a nudnik. He said she's married and her husband seems kind of anxious for her to go. Howard said she's a legitimate medical doctor.
Howard asked if Robin wanted to play a Big Foot game. Robin said sure. Howard said he was already playing it. Howard said there's a new judge on Dancing with the Stars. He said Julianne Hough knows how to dress. He said she's hot. Howard said he has tried to explain this to the judges on AGT. He said if you wear a mini skirt no one can see it. Howard said Julianne wears hot tops. Howard said that's what people tune in for. Robin said Howard has this imagination that everything he thinks is hot is what everyone thinks is hot. Howard said it is.
Howard said there's a guy who wrote in and said that the guys on the staff are assholes about Taylor Swift. Howard said she's really hot and she's playing the game perfectly. Howard said that's what this guy was talking about. Fred said she's very talented. Howard said Fred is not a man. Fred said he has a bigger one than Howard. Howard said he did beat him by a half inch or something.
Howard found the email he was talking about. He had to go through his email first. He said Jonathan Brandmeyer got his own national show. He took over for Dennis Miller. Howard found the email he had from this other person about the Taylor Swift thing. Howard read that and Fred was arguing about how it's not sexy to men what Taylor is doing. Howard said she still says she's hot. Howard said this is a ridiculous argument. Howard said Julianne Hough knows how to dress on Dancing with the Stars too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard is right about Taylor Swift. He said they might have vision issues. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said he has the game now. He said he's going to play a song and they're going to guess if Big Foot can get the next word in the song. Howard played a song where the lyric was ''part time lover'' and he had to guess ''lover.'' Big Foot answered ''Employee.''
Howard played another song and Howard didn't know the song. Fred didn't either. Robin knew it was ''Sentimental reasons''. Howard said he hopes he gets it right. Big Foot did get it. Howard was shocked he got that. Howard played another one where the lyric was ''How deep is your...'' and Big Foot had to answer ''love'' but he said ''how deep is my cock.''
Howard played another song where the lyric was ''crazy little thing called love'' and Big Foot said something about ''Crazy little thing we have for lust'' or something like that.
Howard played another one where he had to guess ''Reunited and it feels so good.'' He got that one. Howard played another one where the lyrics were ''Loving you is easy because you're beautiful.'' Big Foot said ''Hot as shit'' for ''you're beautiful.''
Howard played another one where ''Lady in red is... dancing with me cheek to cheek.'' Big Foot's answer was ''...makes me cum all over.''
Howard said maybe Big Foot is a fan of Red Peters or something. That led to Gary telling Howard that Red Peters did a song with Todd Rundgren that's up for some award. Howard told him to put it up on the web site and help him out with the voting.
Howard played another song and Big Foot's answer to a song was ''I'm in love with you Danielle Johnson.'' Howard said Big Foot and Danielle broke up. He said they still live together but they're not having sex. Howard played a clip of Jon Leiberman talking to Danielle about what's going on with them. Danielle said that the wedding is a no-go. Danielle said they don't see eye to eye on some things. She said she's not over her ex. She said she's not into the sex and stuff either. Howard wondered how things went sour so quickly. Danielle is still living with Big Foot. Howard said he had plans to do a big wedding for them. Howard said they called Elton John to do the wedding.
Howard played more of Danielle talking about the break up. Howard had some of Big Foot's side of the story. Big Foot said they don't see eye to eye but he doesn't know what it's all about. Big Foot said they figured it was going to be a bad idea. He said it might be about money. Howard said that if they get married they cut their checks. Howard said it has to be hard to be married if the woman in the marriage has a cock. Howard said that would be tough for him. Howard said the most normal thing is that they argue about money.
Howard played a song that Danielle and Big Foot sang together. Big Foot was mumbling most of the lyrics to ''Let Love Keep Us Together.'' Howard said they were a good couple. Robin said she was looking forward to the wedding. Howard played clip of the two of them talking about how they met and it had ''Memories'' playing behind them.
Robin wondered how it went bad so quickly. Howard said she was his ''it'' to ''it is.'' Howard played another song the two of them performed together while they were up there. Howard said it's sweet. Robin said she's crying. Howard played another love song the two of them performed. Howard said this is going to lead to the grossest make up sex in history. Howard said they are still living together though. Howard said he has that swinging' pad up there. Howard said they all want to be in there. Howard said even Gary the Conqueror wasn't able to get rid of someone from his apartment.
Robin asked if they were done with the Big Foot game. Howard said he has one more. He played a song with the lyrics ''Nothing I can do a total eclipse of the...'' and Big Foot said ''Stars.''
Big Foot answered ''You are the wings on my breem'' for ''Wind beneath my wings.'' He did get another song that Howard played after that. The guys were shocked he was able to get that one.
- Scott Weiland & The Wildabouts Concert Coming Friday. 03/31/15. 7:20am
Howard said Scott Weiland was in Stone Temple Pilots and he's going to be on Friday night performing with his new band The Wildabouts on Friday night. He said they did a performance there in the studio a couple of weeks ago. Howard said that Scott and Stone Temple Pilots broke up and Scott is out doing his own thing now.
Howard said he heard that the guitar player in the band died. Howard said that's what he heard. Gary said that's true. Howard played one of the songs they performed in the studio. They covered David Bowie's ''The Jean Genie''.
Howard said the name of the new album is Blaster. They went to break after Howard played the song.
- Dr. Leila Zucker Calls In. 03/31/15. 7:30am
After the break they played a ''House of Tards'' commercial parody. They also played some songs with someone saying ''black cock'' in each of them. They played a ''Howard Stern Show'' song parody.
Howard came back and said he has Dr. Leila Zucker on the phone. He said she's one of 100 picked to go to Mars. Howard said she would be one of the first four to go. Howard said he was on her web site last night checking that out. He said that this is a suicide mission. Leila said she knows that.
Howard said here's how it works. He said they're going to find people to go to Mars. Howard said they're going to go there to build an environment there. Howard said they will have cargo missions and things like that. Howard said they'll get on this rocket and fly there. Leila said there is ice there said there will be oxygen. She said you can break down water into Hydrogen and Oxygen. She said that's what they'll be able to do.
Howard asked what is wrong with living on Earth. Leila said nothing but we have to be a multi planet civilization to survive. She said even Stephen Hawking says that. Howard said this is a suicide mission though. He asked why she would want to do that. He said she's married. Leila said that she and her husband will still be able to email. She said her husband would go if he could. Leila said she would sit around with her friends talking about doing things like this and her answer was always yes.
Howard said he wants to understand something. Howard asked how soon after she goes to Mars when would her husband start dating. She said he's already dating. Howard asked if they have an open marriage. Leila said they do. She said she dates on occasion too. Robin asked if they're sending couples there. Leila said they are not. She said they're not sure what would happen if they procreated on Mars.
Howard asked who is funding this. Leila said that it's a private company. Howard said there were 200,000 people who applied and Leila is one of the final 100. Now they have to pick a team of 4. Leila said that they have to pick the right team. She said it can't be jut the right individuals. Howard said she's a medical doctor so she must stand a chance. She said she hopes so. Howard said she must work good in a team if she's a doctor. Leila said she would hope so.
Howard asked if she is afraid she'll be too old to go by the time this all happens. She said she's not too old now. She said that the first mission is slated for 2020 and the cargo missions would start 2-4 years after that. Robin said she thinks they'd be out of the age range. Leila said that if they launch in 10 years she'll be younger than some of the people on the ISS are. Leila said it is an interesting question. She said you wonder how old you want the team to be. She said that older people are less sensitive to radiation. She said she could age out at some point but maybe not in 15 years. Howard said this is all a pipe dream at this point anyway.
Howard said he's fascinated with Leila. He said the open dating thing is interesting. Leila said they have a perfect house and a perfect job. Howard asked about who she has banged other than her husband. She said she met a guy gaming. She said that she likes to play tabletop games. Howard asked what games she likes to play. She said she likes Exploding Kittens. Howard said he doesn't know that one. Howard said she's blowing his mind. Howard asked if she would bring a vibrator with her. She said she would of course. She said she'd bring a deck of cards and the game ''Loony Pyramids'' if she had to pick.
Robin asked how long the trip would take. Leila said it would be 7 months. Howard said that's not so bad. Robin said Howard can't even get across the country.
Howard said that Leila says she has an extensive Lego collection. Howard asked what that is. Leila told Howard about her big collection she's had since a child. Howard said he can't imagine being trapped on a planet with her. Leila said he's actually there on the planet with her already.
Leila said that even if Mars 1 never launches it's already a success. She said that it has everyone talking about it. She said that NASA has been sitting on its ass not doing anything to get people to another planet. Howard said it's kind of wild. He said that he and Robin won't be around to see it. Leila said she thinks they will see it. She said Buzz Aldrin is saying ''Get your ass to mars'' these days.
Howard asked when they're going to know about the final 4. Leila said this summer they will pick 24 people in six teams of 4. She said they'll pick the final 4 at the end. She said that they will let the final 4 be picked by the public. She said if they're not happy with the final 4 then they will change it to make sure everyone is safe.
Howard said Leila sounds like fun in a weird way. Howard asked who is paying for this rocket. Leila said it's private investors right now. She said it depends on how things go. She said that if they get a show that's syndicated then maybe the money will come in.
Howard said that Dr. Leila Zucker is a real MD and she's a swinger too. Howard asked if she had a hard time from the hospital she works in when they found out about this. She said not at all. She said they were all asking if she was really going to go.
Howard asked Leila if she has ever had to pull weird stuff out of people's asses. She said she has. She said the weirdest one was a Transformer toy. Howard asked if it's mostly gay men. She said she never asked. She said she just treats the patients. She said this is just work for her. Howard said he's read about this stuff. He said people don't admit to what's in there. He said they end up doing an X-ray to find out what's in there. Howard asked if they give the thing back to the person. She said if they want it they do. Howard said it must be covered in weird stuff. Leila said that's what plastic bags are for. Howard asked if they have to lecture these people about that. She said they do. Howard asked if they say they will never do it again. Leila said they do. Howard asked how big the Transformer was. Leila said she doesn't know because she had never seen one up close before. Howard asked how they get that in there. Robin asked how they get it out.
Howard said being a doctor must be a big thing to get her into the trip. Leila said that there are a few in the finals. Howard asked her to let them know when the voting is going on and they'll try to help her out. Howard said if she ever wants to swing she can come there to find a date. She said it's Howard or no one. Howard said he'll do her. Howard let Leila go. She said ''Live long and prosper'' as she was going.
Howard asked how he can get Benjy on that trip. He said that would be wacky. Howard said he won't be there tomorrow because he's going to L.A. to work on America's Got Talent. Howard said there's too much bullshit going on. He said he likes judging but the other bullshit bothers him. He said there are worse jobs out there though. He went to break a short time later.
- Email, Viet Nam Debriefing And More. 03/31/15. 8:00am
After the break they played a clip of people on the street talking about people they'd like to send to Mars if they could. They asked what race they would send and one woman said ''Mexicans.''
Howard came back and said that there will never be peace in the world. Howard said that the Smashing Pumpkins and Marilyn Manson are going out on tour this summer starting in July. Howard said it's the End Times tour. Howard said tickets go on sale on April 3. Howard said he thinks this will be a very hot ticket.
Howard said he was telling Gary a story during the break and he meant to tell him they were about 50 clicks up river at the time. Howard said he won't get into the rest of that now. Robin said she saw a vet chasing a guy who was pretending to be a vet up the street. Howard said they call that ''stolen valor.'' Robin asked Howard if he agrees with that guy. Howard said yes. Robin said the guy was wearing camouflage pants and begging and the military man realized he had an ROTC insignia on the pants so he had never been anywhere. Howard said there's a web site devoted to doing that. Howard said they bust people for that stolen valor thing.
Howard said he has had to go after some people himself. He said he was telling Gary this story during the break and he won't get into it. He said Gary was wondering about the debriefing process. Howard said one time it took 3 days to debrief. Howard said he just killed a shitload of Viet Cong and they were busting his balls. Howard said he was always a rebel. Howard said he has war stories and some of them are about the debriefing.
Howard said people ask him questions about killing children and he just says that they were mixed in with the adults. Howard said he'd like to see them go out there and face the enemy. Howard said he can't tell who is in a school house. Robin said it could be a midget. Howard said a lot of the Viet Cong were midgets. Howard said he doesn't want to get into this.
Howard said he got some email and someone wrote in about Benjy's answer about Taylor Swift yesterday. Howard said Benjy said something about taking a stand against evaluating women. Howard read the email and the person told him to stop asking Benjy questions.
Howard said they got some email about JD's comments about Taylor Swift. There were people saying that anyone who is into Taylor Swift is into boys who have bodies like her.
Howard said a lot of email was generated over the High Pitch Eric, Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy segment. Howard read some of those emails about Donnie having Eric sitting on his lap and things like that. Howard read about how cool some people thought Donnie was yesterday. Howard said he was a great guy.
Howard read more email about Eric and how good he was in the audition for Blue Bloods. Someone suggested he play a beached whale in the show.
Howard said he got some email about his Viet Nam stories. Howard said a former soldier sent an email and he was impressed with his phonetic alphabet yesterday. Howard said that someone said they have to get Hotel Sierra out quickly so they can take advantage of the holiday season.
Howard said they should get some money together and do a movie about the Viet Nam era. Howard said that would be good. Robin said she thinks it would be a hit. Howard said that he could do a scene where he splits open a Viet Cong and eats. Howard said he would shoot that and put it on his web site and charge 5 bucks. Howard said he thinks people would pay for that. Howard said he could get Sylvester Stallone to play his buddy. Robin asked him to please not do that. Howard said he could get Bradley Cooper to play a sniper and George Takei would come in as Sulu. Howard said he could playa Viet Cong even though he's Japanese. Howard said that would be cool.
Howard said he got some praise for remembering Mary Jo Kopechne yesterday. Howard said he did that when he was talking about the Kennedy's. Howard said he thinks that library for Ted Kennedy should be in the shape of a bridge.
Howard said he could get Chris Rock to be in this movie he's talking about. He said Jimmy Kimmel could be a sergeant in it too. He said maybe he can play LBJ. Howard said maybe Bryan Cranston will play him in that since he played him on Broadway.
Howard read some mail he got about Richard's guinea pig dying. Someone had some suggestions for what they could have fed Taco. Howard said Richard's dad left Richard a message about Taco dying. Howard played that and it was a very quick one.
- John The Caller Vs. Bobo. 03/31/15. 8:15am
Howard took a call from a guy who does a Hanzi impression. The guy was doing a pretty good impression. The caller asked if Howard has talked to his dad about politics lately. Howard said his dad doesn't do that so much anymore. He said he doesn't lecture as much anymore. Howard said he's not the same guy anymore. Howard said if he brings something up he'll talk. Howard said he's not as feisty anymore. Howard said it's hard to look at his dad these days. He said he used to be on fire about that stuff.
The caller said that Howard has these regular callers like Bobo and they seem to just do it to get on the air. He said they don't really have a question. He said when Bobo calls in he's calling from ''Winter Springs'' which is the dumbest name in the country. He said he could have moved anywhere but he chose Winter Springs. Howard had Bobo on the phone and Bobo said it's in the top 97 places to live in the country so this guy is an asshole. He said people dream of living there. Howard played a ''Worst caller in the history'' clip for Bobo.
Howard asked the other caller, John, to evaluate Bobo's call. Bobo said he's been doing this for 30 years now. Bobo said he has well thought out questions that he hits out of the park. He said it's unheard of. John said his question was relevant and Bobo's aren't. Bobo said he had a good one a few weeks ago about Fred. Bobo said this guy is just jealous. He said he calls in with one good question and he thinks he knows everything. Bobo told him not to rain on his parade. Robin asked Bobo if he calls in just for air time. Bobo said he doesn't. He said he does like being on the air though. He said he thinks of some well thought out questions though.
Howard asked Bobo what his question was. Bobo said he asked Howard about continuing the show without Fred but what about Gary. He asked if he could do the show without Gary. Howard asked John if he thinks he really cares about it. John said that's like a default question. John said they all know Howard's answer. He said it's yes. John said Bobo just calls in to get air time. Bobo said he's wrong. John said it has nothing to do with a question he cares about. John said that's why he's the worst caller of all time.
John said that he thinks the best questions are coming from random callers these days. Bobo asked what he does for a living. Bobo said that he's achieved more than most people have. Bobo said he has received awards and he could never match him. Bobo said he retired at 57 years old and he's living in Florida and he deserves some credit too. Bobo said he's not stupid. John said he is stupid and asked what his IQ was. Bobo said he's the best at what he does. He said he's going to continue doing what he was doing up there down in Florida.
Howard said kids used to put stuff in Bobo's toupee. Bobo said they would do that. He said in the classroom he's the best. Howard asked why he's going back to work. Bobo said he can't stop teaching. He said he wants to do it a few days a month. Howard said Bobo has an 87 IQ. Bobo said he did a lot with that IQ.
Howard said he's going to let them both go now. Fred said that Bobo is dull/normal intelligence. He said that he was a teacher and they say that is possible with an IQ that low. Howard said Bobo seems a lot smarter than High Pitch Eric. Bobo said he was high 80s. He said Sal had like a 90. Howard asked why High Pitch is dull and Bobo is dull. Fred said he's ''dull/normal.'' Howard said Eric is Dull Feeble, that's right. Sal said he was a 102, not 90. He said he's nowhere near this moron. Howard said he loves that they're arguing over a couple of points.
Howard said it is true that Sal had a 102 and Bobo had an 87. Sal asked him not to lump him in with that shit bag. Howard let the callers go and played a clip of Eric Andre goofing on Bobo in the back office there.
Howard said that's a very funny call. Howard said Bobo called in the other day and left a message about Hanzi. Howard said they're having some kind of feud now. Howard played a clip of Bobo's Voicemail where Bobo was complaining about Hanzi being a blood sucking leach douche bag. Bobo said he just sits in his parents basement and it's getting old. Bobo went off on Hanzi about disrespecting Mariann from Brooklyn too.
Howard said then Hanzi leaves voicemails too. Howard said Hanzi thinks that he's fucking with him. Howard played a clip of Hanzi saying that they set him up with Mariann. He was saying that they ruin people's lives and Howard doesn't do anything but he knows every awful thing that Howard does. He said Howard hangs up on him when he makes a valid point. Then he sends his trolls after him.
Howard said Hanzi never takes any responsibility for anything he does. He blamed Howard for calling Mariann names. Howard said then Hanzi calls back and complains that he gave tickets to Jeff the Drunk WWE tickets. Howard said he never did that. Howard played a clip of Hanzi saying that they don't have to pretend that they like him. He said he knows they hate him and want to make his life miserable.
Gary came in and said that Jeff the Drunk must have a sense of humor because he tweeted out a picture saying ''Thanks to Howard for sending me to Wrestlemania.'' That set Hanzi off.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she was upset with Hanzi over him saying that she doesn't pay for her subscriptions. Mariann said that Hanzi deleted his Twitter account. She said that he's gone. Mariann said that she thinks it's time for Robin to have sex again. Howard said he was just told that Hanzi's Twitter is back up and he's been tweeting all morning.
- More Calls And Ralph Not Doing His Job. 03/31/15. 8:35am
Howard took a call from another guy who did a Hanzi impression. Howard said that was really good. Howard said it might be time for a Hanzi impression contest. Howard said this is Ross from Brooklyn. Ross asked if Howard wasn't on the radio for a living what does he think he'd do. Howard said Social work. Howard said he'd help people. Robin said ''Oh please.''
Howard said that he told Ralph to cut the labels out of his shirts and he's being scratched right now. Howard said he doesn't have to work a lot of hours. Howard said he told Ralph to put a tag on his suitcase too. He said he didn't do that work either. Howard said he told Ralph to just cut the tags out of the shirts and he didn't do it. Howard said Ralph puts it off until it's too late. Howard said he could be there right now cutting out the labels.
Howard asked the guys for some scissors. Howard said now he's going to ruin the shirt. Howard said he pays a fortune for those shirts. The caller said he's out in California and it's like 90 degrees out there. Howard cut the label off and said he's sure he ruined the shirt. Gary said that they've done it that so many times that they figured out which scissor were the best for that job. Howard said if Ralph had to have areal job he'd be fucked. Howard played the Mike Morse ''Ralphie Cakes'' song about Ralph after that.
Howard said Ralph could show up on a Tuesday and cut the labels out. Howard said he's busy going to movie premieres on his name. Howard said he has no initiative. Howard said he should put free tickets in his labels so he has to cut them out. Howard said Ralph is going to L.A. with him too. Howard said his whole job is to just look him over. Howard said he could stay home a day and cut the labels out.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he has a friend out in California who went to Wrestlemania and he had him send some pictures. He said he sent one to Hanzi just to freak him out when he told him that Howard sent him out there. Howard said he's like Jeff the Joke Man. Howard played him off with a theme song.
- Nicole Bass Update, Mr. Cancer Call And More. 03/31/15. 8:40am
Howard said Jon Leiberman has been spending time with Nicole Bass. Howard said she has a boyfriend now. Howard said that this is a new boyfriend. Howard played some audio of Nicole talking to Jon Leiberman about the new boyfriend and how much sex they're having. She said this guy can go for hours on end. She said he loves pussy too. She said she's in hog heaven now. Howard said she's going down on her. Howard said Robin saw what was going on down there. Robin said Howard did too but he erased that from his memory. Howard said he thought she was going to come in there and show that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to be seeing anyone out in California when he's out there. Howard said he's going to be so busy he may not be able to. He said he'd like to see Jimmy and Molly. He said that may not happen. He said his daughter is out there too so she may come by to visit. Howard said he's booked for the whole time he's out there.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that AGT is a modern version of Vaudeville. He said they have the added thing of the judging part but the road show is exactly like that. Howard said he says that on the show sometimes. He said that's what he loves about that show. Howard said it is modern day Vaudeville.
The caller asked Robin what kind of cancer she had. Robin said it was clear cell carcinoma and it was a subset of ovarian cancer. Howard said it's a miracle that she's there. Howard said he had her in the ground. The caller said he's been living with cancer for about 15 years now. He said he had spindle cell sarcoma in his groin area. He said the shit came back after he had it removed. He said they had to do radical surgery. He said in 2002 they had to take out his colon, bladder, prostate... Robin said there's nothing left. Howard asked if he has a colostomy. The caller said he does. Howard said he has a Urostomy too. Howard said that's rough. The caller said it's crazy.
The caller said he was clear for 10 years. He said that he's had scans done the past 10 years. He said it ended up coming back in his fucking lungs. He said that's what he's battling now. He said they found a regimen that has stopped it so it's not advancing. He said they found it after he had a chronic cough. He said that it's kind of like what Gary has. Howard said Gary should get that checked. The caller said they gave him an X-ray and they asked when he called his oncologist last and told him to give him a call.
Howard said he doesn't think he can take much more of this. Howard told him to call in as Mr. Cancer from now on. The caller kept going with the story. Howard said that Robin got off easy. Howard said that Mr. Cancer was bumming him out. Robin said she stopped talking when she heard the stories. Howard said she put her breast in her mouth to shut up.
- Howard's Perfect Day. 03/31/15. 8:50am
Howard said he can do the whole show for four hours straight. He said he has to take a break though. Howard said he doesn't want to go to California. Howard said he's really bumming out. Howard said he'd rather stay home and paint. He said his perfect day would be to get up, eat something, draw and paint and then watch an hour of TV. Howard said this is his perfect day. Howard said then he'd go draw and paint some more after a nap. Howard said he'd exercise too. Howard said he wouldn't kill himself though. Howard said then around 5 or 6 he'd get dressed and go out for dinner.
Fred played Lou Reed's ''Perfect Day'' as Howard was talking about that. Howard said in his perfect day he wouldn't have to see Benjy.
Howard said then he'd have dinner and he'd get in bed with is wife after that. He said they'd have sex or watch The Bachelor. Howard said either that or Beverly Hills Housewives. Howard said he loves that too. Robin said that's a nightmare. Howard said one man's nightmare is another man's nirvana. Howard said then he'd sign on with NBC to do a reality show and destroy his life.
Howard said come January he's going to do just one thing. He said it's either judge AGT or this radio show. Howard said if he was doing one hour of radio a week he'd do one hour of AGT a week.
Howard asked if he needs to take a break. Fred said they do. Howard said he was going to read about how Robin Williams kids and wife are fighting over his fortune. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
- Floating Doody Controversy. 03/31/15. 9:00am
After the break Howard came back and said that Gary was telling him about 60 Minutes and the cancer cure they were talking about. Gary said that they had a girl on who had cancer and now she's in full remission. Gary said that the tumor is gone. The guy who came up with the cure is saying that it could help with other things as well. Howard said he hopes that guy ends up richer than Steve Jobs. Gary said they were very vague about it but they were saying that these people have a financial interest as well.
Gary said they're just in the trials right now and half the people have lived. Gary said Robin will change her mind about it if she sees the show. Gary said this one seems so promising. Howard said it never ends up happening. Howard said you never want to publish anything because you don't want other doctors taking it. Robin said that's not how science works. Howard said he wouldn't share his research. He said he'd want the money for himself. Robin said if Thomas Edison had only give the light bulb to a few of his friends it wouldn't be anything. He shared it all and he died wealthy anyway.
Howard said that guy Tesla who invented the radio had that stolen from him by Marconi. Robin said a lot of people who work for major companies work on things that the company owns. Howard said that's like the comic books. Howard said the guys who invented the characters don't get the money.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard the commercial for Squatty Potty. He said he heard him talking about floating stool. He said if it floats then there is too much fat in it. He said it should sink. Howard had Benjy look up a perfect shit to figure it out. Howard thought that it was supposed to float. Robin said she thinks this guy is right. Benjy said it should be brown, banana shaped, no stick, minimal odor. He said it doesn't say anything about floating.
Howard had Benjy look up floating stool. Benjy did that too. Howard said he thought that his were perfect. Howard said his float up and down like a buoy. Benjy told Howard the details of floating and non-floating. Fred looked it up too and said it sounds like it's not a good thing. Howard asked what the right way is for a doody to be. The caller said it's pretty much how Benjy described it. He said it shouldn't float. Howard said he has to look into that. Howard said he thinks he can will his to the bottom.
Howard said that guy knows what he's talking about. Robin said she tried to tell him that he was wrong. Howard said he doesn't recall that discussion. Howard said he should change that depressing topic.
- Wolfie Interviews From A Bill Cosby Show. 03/31/15. 9:10am
Howard said they gave Ronnie a digital recorder to record his thoughts. Howard said Ronnie fucked that up. Howard said this is Ronnie recording his thoughts. Howard played some of the audio and it sounded like Ronnie had the thing right up to his mouth. Howard said this is the whole tape. He played another clip and Ronnie screwed it up again. The recording was really over modulated and very hard to listen to. Howard said so much for giving him a digital recorder. Howard said maybe that's what it sounds like in his head though. Howard played a couple of clips of Ronnie talking about seeing a girl on the street with her boobs hanging out. Howard said it's a good idea to record his thoughts but they just can't play it.
Howard said Wolfie went out to the Bill Cosby show the other night in Baltimore. Howard said he asked some of the people there some questions. Howard said he never thought Cosby was funny but now with like 38 people having allegations against him he's not sure why anyone would go.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie asking people if they thought he was guilty or if OJ was guilty. One guy said he didn't think OJ was guilty. Wolfie asked about taking away Bill's doctorate. The caller said you can't take that away if he passed all of the exams.
Howard played another clip of Wolfie asking about what brings him out to see Cosby. The caller said that he stands up for a lot of things that society is doing wrong these days. He said he pushes hard for morals and ethics. He didn't believe the women who came out. He said he thinks that Cosby didn't need drugs to get any of the girls who came out first. Howard said he thinks Cosby could have fucked them without the drugs.
Howard played another interview with a guy who said he has no problem with Cosby and he thinks he's a respectable man. He said that Cosby should go back home and have a Pepsi and a smile. Howard said that guy talks in advertising slogans.
Howard played a clip of a guy who said he doesn't care if Cosby is guilty. He said he just wanted to see the spectacle. He said he'd take a drink from the guy too because he doesn't rape men.
Howard said being funny goes a long way. Howard played a clip of a protestor talking to Wolfie about why they were there. The woman said that they wanted to remind people who they're giving money to and that's a serial rapist.
Howard said that he remembers the protests that they used to have against the Viet Nam war. Howard said there was one guy who had long hair and was overly tan. Howard said he was kind of ripped and he always had an arm band on and he was the one holding the megaphone. Howard said he wanted to know how he positioned himself in that. Howard said he was super confident and he had that fucking megaphone. He got on his own megaphone and
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard prefers painting or photography better. Howard said photography is an art. He said you have to know a lot to be good at it. Howard said in the day and age of the iPhone the art of photography has been lost. Howard said people just snap off pictures. Howard said most people can't do it. Howard said if you want to learn to paint it takes some time. Howard said he likes being able to do something that people can't do. Robin said he already can and it's doing this radio show. Howard said he's not going to stop there.
Howard said photography takes a lot of equipment too. He said it's so much work. Howard said you carry around so much stuff. He said painting he just carries a little water color kit. Howard said it's way more satisfying. Howard said he looks at things and can't believe he did it.
Howard got back to the Bill Cosby protest clips. Howard played some audio of people chanting ''Stand up in court,not on stage.'' Howard said that's not a great chant. Howard had some examples of some other chants. They had some of people saying ''I believe the women!'' over and over. Howard said all he can say is that this has made the Cosby shows much more interesting. Howard said he wanted to slit his wrists when he saw Cosby doing comedy.
Howard played some more audio of Wolfie doing interviews with fans. One woman said that they let this go on this long so they can let it go on a few more years. She said they ''Should have came out before'' so Howard said that's the kind of intelligence they're dealing with.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie asking a guy if he would trust his daughter alone with Bill Cosby. The caller said he would because everyone slips up at least once. He said everyone has flaws. Howard said that's a pretty big flaw. Howard said he would have arrested that guy.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie asking a guy why he thinks Cosby may have had to knock women out. The guy said maybe he had a premature ejaculation problem.
Howard said on C-span they take phone calls. Howard said that someone made a prank call to them and he brought up Howard Stern and they are so paranoid that they hit the delay for no good reason. Howard said you have to hear that. Howard played the clip and the guy got cut off when he brought up Howard's name. Howard said he doesn't think they'd cut him off if he brought up Hitler. Howard said it's crazy.
Howard said he has a clip from a show where people were talking about him possibly running for president with Jesse Ventura. Howard said that led to a whole discussion. Howard played that clip next. The hosts of the show were talking about Jesse Ventura and what he did as governor. One of the hosts said that she can just imagine what would happen if Howard Stern ran. Howard said he likes that Jesse got slammed more than he did.
Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about Hillary Clinton possibly running for president. Howard said they went out on the street and asked people what they thought of the kid from One Direction leaving the band to join SIS. People just went along with that and gave their answers.
Howard said there's a new Air Jordan sneaker out and they interviewed a guy about why he was there. Howard said the line is crazy long and they wanted to know what was up with that. Howard played a clip of the guy saying something about getting money and giving a shout out to Howard Stern. They asked the guy if he would rather have world peace or the next new pair of Jordan sneakers. The guy picked the sneakers because he can make money with that. Howard said the guy did give him a shout out.
- What Does Howard Dread Most Bracket Interrupted By Shit Stories. 03/31/15. 9:40am
Howard said he has a bracket for what he dreads the most. Here are the choices and his picks for the first round:
Howard explained why he made the picks he made. Howard was complaining about going to L.A. for AGT. Howard said he said he's miserable going to the co-worker's wedding though. He said he likes the people there but he has to deal with people at the wedding. Howard said he has to talk to the relatives and act like a normal guy. Howard said he did enjoy Jimmy's wedding but he's not a co-worker. Robin said he can enjoy himself then. Howard said he was at a table with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon but they weren't that friendly. He said Jason's dad was friendly at his wedding. Howard said Ben and Matt weren't that much fun. Howard said Andy Richter was a lot of fun at Jimmy's wedding. Howard said that Jimmy's writers were fun too. He said he had a good time there. Howard said that was fun.
- Going to L.A. or a Colonosccopy - Going to L.A.
- Root Canal or Going to a co-workers wedding - Root Canal
Howard said Gary's wedding was okay too. He said he had some good laughs there. Howard said Gary was on the Wrap Up Show talking about how he and his wife share a bathroom and Gary was talking about going to take a shit while his wife is doing her make up. Howard asked who would want him making a shit while she's doing her make up. Gary said the toilet has its own room. He said it's a big room too. Gary said his wife is well aware when he's taking a shit. Gary said he has a whole set up in the bathroom. He said he has books and all of that. Howard said he shouldn't be reading on the toilet. Gary said he doesn't leave the door open. He told Howard that his shits sink too.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who said Howard is a fascist now. He said he tells everyone what to do. Howard said he just thinks that they should keep it a mystery when they're taking a shit. Howard said that's just not cool. Gary said he doesn't want to make noise when he shits so he keeps the door closed.
Gary said he agrees with Tommy on that comment. He said that he is a fascist. Howard said he doesn't shit in front of his wife. He said that Gary likes to shit where his wife is. Gary said he shuts the door. Howard asked Robin what she would do. Robin said Gary should move to another bathroom. Howard said Sal says that Gary has the worst smelling shit too. Gary said he's just making that up.
Sal came in and said that he walked into the bathroom once when Gary came out and he felt like someone stabbed him in the nostrils with an ice pick. He said they had to wait an hour and a half before they went in there. He said it's like nothing he's ever smelled in his life. Sal said you know it's not human shit when you go to the zoo. He said that's what Gary's shit is like. Gary said Sal comes to life when it's about him. Howard asked if he does a courtesy flush. Gary said he does sometimes. He said he hasn't used the toilet in there in like 3 years. Sal said it wasn't that long ago.
Gary said Sal is an insincere asshole. Sal said he's not doing this as a personal thing. He said if a scientist wanted to make shit smell 100 times worse Gary would still beat it. Howard said Gary doesn't eat vegetables so maybe that's part of it. Tommy said Gary does eat them. Gary said he really doesn't eat a lot.
Richard Christy came in and said that he has smelled dead animals that smell better than Gary's shit. He said that he shouldn't be ashamed of that though. Sal said his shits are like a monster from another planet. He said it's like vinegar and dog shit. Richard said it was like he and Sal were running away from a crash or something.
Howard said it's like a Godzilla made out of shit. Howard asked if he takes medication. Gary said he does for his kidney stone. Howard said that's hard to gross out Sal and Richard. Gary said that they know what his shit smells like because they piss together. Sal said it's bad. Richard said it is fun to talk about Gary shitting. Howard said he should take a break but he didn't finish the bracket.
Howard got back to the bracket and was going to get into that but Sal was telling stories about going to weddings that Howard was at. They shared some stories about things they did at Jason's wedding.
Howard read more of the bracket choices. Here's more of the first round:
- Stuck in conversation with Scott Salem or eye contact with Benjy - Scott conversation
- Being asked to write a book forward or be pranked by Howie Mandel - Howie pranks
The guys were talking about pranks that people have done to Howard before. They spent a minute on that and then Howard went through the rest of the brackets and came up with being asked to write a book forward as one of the worst. They had to take a break after that. As they went to break they played a prank call that Sal and Richard did with some clips of Howard yelling at someone about pulling a prank on him.
- Robin's News. 03/31/15. 10:05am
After the break Howard came right back and said he should get to news. Howard said he could do that or read about Robin Williams' wife and kids fighting over his money. Robin said she was going to do that anyway. Howard had Fred play Robin into her news with a song parody. Fred played one from Psych that was to the tune of Rush's ''Tom Sawyer.''
Howard read about the Robin Williams family fight. They're fighting over the things in Robin Williams' homes and over watches and things like that. Robin said that it sounds like the family thinks that Robin left them everything that he owns but the wife gets to keep the house. They think that means they get everything in the house and the wife gets to keep the house. Robin said the wife thinks she should get to keep everything in the house including Robin's Oscars. Howard said his will isn't that precise either. Robin said you really have to spell it all out.
Robin asked when you can declare your children as dependents on your tax returns. Howard said he thought 18. Robin said there are no age limits on being an in-law. Robin went over the details of how people can file. Robin said as long as you're providing at least half of their income they can be dependents for their whole life.
Robin read about the Walking Dead and how a convention is being planned in Lynchburg, Virginia. Robin said that they're going to have some of the actors who were on the show at the convention. That led to Howard and Robin talking about The Walking Dead for a few minutes. They were going over who they think are the top tier stars on the show.
Robin read a story about how a Duck Dynasty musical is going to be coming soon. Howard played a commercial parody they made about that musical.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Robin isn't touching herself. Howard didn't recall that but Robin said she isn't doing that. The caller said he can't stop thinking about it. Howard said that's a shame that Robin isn't doing that anymore. Robin said it's a medical issue. Howard said she needs a man to loosen that thing up. Howard asked Robin if she threw out her vibrators. Robin said everything is still there. Howard said Robin is like the poster girl for masturbation. Howard said that just sobered him up. Robin said he'll forget again. Howard said maybe he will. Howard said he hopes she's back in the game again soon.
Robin read a story about a law that would make it illegal to smoke in a car with children in it. Howard said he believes in that law. Robin said this is in Tempe, Arizona. Robin said they could vote on the matter in April. Howard said he's all for that.
Robin read about how Harrison Ford is out of the hospital. Robin asked if he sent him a note. Howard said he's not that close to the guy. He said he just met him. Robin said he was seen out driving in Los Angeles on Friday. Robin said he was in a plane crash on March 5.
Robin read a story about the Cincinnati Reds making it easier for women with kids to breast feed at the ball park in a special nursing area.
Robin read a story about a 74 year old man who died when a tombstone fell over on him. Robin said the man was helping to decorate the tombstone for Easter when it tipped over on him.
Robin read a story about Harvey Weinstein being under investigation for an alleged groping incident. Robin said a 22 year old woman filed the claim recently. Robin said no charges have been filed yet. Robin asked what they should do about that. Howard said he's not sure what you do. He said you don't know who to believe. Howard said you can't do stuff like that. Robin said the woman claims Harvey asked if her breasts were real and touched them. Then she asked him to remove his hands and he allegedly put his hand on her leg. Howard said he would talk to Harvey about that. Howard said he was reading about a country where it's legal to grope all models. Howard said that's not here though. Howard said he would book Harvey and have 10 women booked so he can feel them up and tell them if they have implants or not.
Robin read a story about a Chinese Muslim Man who is going to prison because he has a beard and his wife wears a veil. Robin said the Chinese government has been prosecuting these people over that. Robin said you can come here and do whatever you want in the name of religion. Howard said sometimes that gets them in trouble. Howard said he was reading about that woman who wants to go to Mars because science is the rule and not religion. Robin said you should be able to do whatever you want. Robin said she doesn't want to be required to do it.
Robin read a story about a priest who did a mass exorcism on a polish camp. Robin said some kids were crying on the floor or laughing hysterically. Robin said the camp defended the incident and said they hadn't received any complaints.
Robin said that all day breakfast may be starting at McDonald's. Howard said why not. He said if he wants to eat breakfast at midnight then why not? Howard said they are competing with diners who do that. Howard said JD is going to get even fatter. JD said he's not a fan of their breakfast. Howard said they have glass on the walls so he can see what he's eating. He said for a while he was eating Filet-O-Fish for every meal. JD said he likes it but he hasn't had it in a while. Howard said he has had a lot of rice lately. JD said that's a side. Howard said he has vegetables in the rice. JD said that's the side. He said sometimes he'll have a pita with turkey in it. Howard said sometimes he has a huge side of Mac and Cheese. JD said he does like that too. Howard asked if he ever exercises. JD said he walks. Fred did his impression of JD talking about walking to Toasties to get that Mac and Cheese. Howard said JD brags that he walks home from work. JD said he is well aware that he doesn't work out. Howard asked if he just keeps gaining weight and goes out to buy new pants when they don't fit. JD said he hasn't ''boughten'' new pants lately. Howard and Robin goofed on JD for using the word ''boughten'' for a short time.
Howard asked JD how things are going with the girlfriend. JD said that they're going fine. He said she tried to get him out walking the other day. He said she's worried about his health. Howard said he should have ''boughten'' her a gift. Fred played a song parody about JD mumbling from Daniel Mendelson. Howard said that's another Daniel Mendelson gem.
Howard asked if JD is still talking to webcam girls. JD said no but then Howard asked if he's completely done. JD said ''Uh, yeah'' and Howard took that as a no. JD said he's not talking about that stuff anymore. He said he's trying to protect her situation. Howard said he doesn't ''boughten'' that answer. Howard asked if he cut down at least. JD said ''I don't.'' Howard said he does. Howard asked if she wants to change him. JD said he can tell him whatever he wants and he won't believe him. Howard said if he tells him the truth he'll believe it. JD said he doesn't. Howard asked if he wanted to change his answer. JD said he doesn't want to get into anything. JD asked him to move on. JD said he has cut down significantly. Howard said that he hasn't ''boughten'' any web cam credits lately.
Howard asked if JD has met her parents yet. JD said they don't even live in the same state. He said they are a couple hours away from where she lives. He said she's not in the same state. Howard said he's trying to keep the webcam girl thing on the down low. He said that he's still doing it though. Howard said maybe she's embarrassed by JD and she won't introduce him to her parents. JD said that's not it. He said he's not sure what she told her parents but they know they're dating. JD's been dating her for the past year and he still hasn't met her parents. Howard said that's kind of odd. Howard did his impression of JD for a few seconds.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man. Speech asked if he has heard anything about Tracy Morgan. He said it in a funny way so Howard and Fred were goofing on him about saying ''Spacy Forgan''. Speech asked if Howard has had any conversation with him at all. Howard said he has not. He said he wrote him a note the other day though. He said he just wanted to say hi. Howard said he is worried about Tracy. Howard said he hopes he's okay. Speech asked Fred to play him something but Howard cut him off and hung up on him. they played him off with a theme song.
Robin read a story about April Fools coming up tomorrow. Howard said the joke is on him. He said he'll be in L.A. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how you should think long and hard before pulling a prank on a co-worker. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Elizabeth Warren saying she won't run for President in 2016. Howard said he had never heard of her until just a couple of weeks ago.
Robin read a story about the new law in Indiana about religious freedom. Robin said the governor of the state is still telling people that this new law is being misunderstood. Robin said they say it's not an open law to discriminate against gays. Howard said there are some states we don't need... like Indiana. Robin said the band Wilco canceled a concert there in Indiana over this. Howard said of course. He said we have to evolve.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would ever consider selling his paintings. Howard said not really. Howard said he did 4 flowers for his wife. He did some landscapes he liked. He did some other things too that are pretty good. He said he's done about 15 decent paintings. Howard said 4 hang in his wife's closet. He said a couple are in his office. Howard said some are in a folder. Howard said he was going to do one for Madonna. Howard said it turned out so good that his wife took it. Howard said the real good ones are hard to part with. The caller said he just got into art collecting but he hasn't ''boughten'' anything yet. Howard said he has ''boughten'' 3 paintings lately. Howard said when he boughten them he wanted to be able to paint as well as the ones he boughten. Robin asked if he's going to boughten more. Howard said he might. Howard said he saw Bob Dylan's art show and he didn't think it was all that great.
Robin asked Howard if he is innovating or is he just good at what people have already done. Howard said he thinks most of his paintings are copies of the great artists. He said they weren't innovative. He said they were just learning technique. Robin said that he is a master of what he does and that's the kind of art he should be collecting. Howard said he hasn't advanced anything in the art world.
Robin said she's not a huge fan of the third season of House of Cards. Robin said she doesn't think they've stayed the course. Robin said maybe the fourth season will be big. Robin said President Clinton is saying that the show is closer to fact than fiction. Howard said that's kind of scary.
Robin read a story about 30 people being killed by ISIS today. Robin said they attacked a village and killed men, women and children.
Howard took a call from Jim in Raleigh who asked if he thinks Ralph or Robin would ever get married. Howard said he thinks maybe Robin if she found the right man. Howard asked if that could happen. Robin said anything can happen. Howard said maybe Robin will marry Ralph. Howard said he thinks she has opened up and fallen in love but Ralph doesn't seem to want to share his life with anyone else. Jim said Ralph can only love himself. Howard said he was about to argue that but he can't. Howard said Ralph seems to be happy though. He said Robin is happy too. He said she could share her life with someone and give and care. Howard said he wants love for Robin. He said no one is good enough though. He said he'd like to see her do some speed dating. Robin said she'll take that under advisement. Jim asked if Robin is ever asked out. Robin said she isn't going out right now. Howard let Jim go after that.
Robin got back to her news and read about the Ted Kennedy dedication that took place yesterday. Robin had some audio of President Obama talking about Kennedy at the dedication.
Robin said they say that President Obama has visited every state but two. Robin said that President Bush went to all but Vermont. Robin said Obama hasn't gone to South Dakota. Howard said Obama does viral videos to get to kids too. Howard played a bit they created like a Jackass bit.
Robin had some audio of Marco Rubio talking about the nuclear agreement that we're supposed to have with Iran. Howard said he saw Rubio on FOX news yesterday. He said he sat in on The Five for two segments.
Robin read about how Justin Tiberlake gave some advice to the kids at the I Heart Radio awards. Robin had a clip of that for Howard to play. Robin said Angelina Jolie gave a very similar speech at a Kid's Choice awards show too. Robin had that clip as well. Howard said being different isn't always a good thing. Howard said that guy who crashed the German airplane was different.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he thinks Robin would love to marry him. Howard said he wants to know why he has tags in his fucking shirt. Ralph said he spent two hours doing that. He asked what he's wearing. Howard said Ralph pulled this out for him. Howard asked what he wants. Ralph said nothing. Howard hung up on him. Howard said only Ralph would brag about working for 2 hours.
Robin had Howard play a clip of a singer singing a song. Howard said it sounds familiar. Howard said he doesn't know it. Robin said it's a song about a girl singing about wanting to have a man but she has to go through a woman. Robin said some people are refusing to play the song because they think it's about lesbianism. Robin said the song is called Girl Crush. Robin said there are a lot of supporters coming out to support Little Big Town. Howard was humming the song thinking it sounded like something else. Benjy started humming it with Howard and tried to figure out what it was.
Robin said the Justin Bieber roast got a lot of attention. Robin said she has clips. Howard said he had a bunch too but they ran out of time.
Robin said that One Direction fans are getting a taste of what the band will be like without Zayn. Robin said they have a Zayn song demo that they put out last night. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
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