| Monday | Tuesday |
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| Wednesday | Thursday |
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| Friday | |
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Robin told Howard that she blew a tire out on the way into work this morning and had to leave her car on the side of the road. She was coming in from the Jersey shore so she just left it there and took a car service in instead. Howard didn't understand that and asked why she didn't just have a car service drive her in from the shore instead of driving herself in. Robin said it would take too long because the car service does the speed limit. Howard sounded surprised that she drives in from the Jersey shore on Monday mornings. Robin said she was up at about 2:45 in the morning to get on the road to get there on time.
Howard said he was up late watching The Sopranos. He played an audio clip from the show and had everyone laughing for a short time. He played a second clip and got some more laughs out of everyone. Howard said there was another great scene where Lauren Bacall got punched in the face.
Artie said he had a good time at the auto show. Howard heard from Gary that the people who go to the show are people who can't afford to buy any of the cars so they go there and sit in everything. Gary wanted to go sit in a 3 series BMW but there was a family sitting in the car and just taking their time looking at everything in there. He heard from Ronnie that there was a woman there last year sitting in a car that Ronnie wanted to look at and she sat in it for 30 minutes.
Ronnie came in and said that this year it wasn't that bad because he was just roaming around looking at the cars. Last year there was this lady and her family just sitting in the car he wanted to look at. She was pretending to drive it and acted like she owned the truck. He said it was horrible. This year Ronnie said that he bought a truck off the floor at the show. He wanted to get a GMC Denali and he wanted a special package they had at the show.
Artie was goofing on Ronnie so Ronnie went off on him for blowing him off again on Friday. Ronnie said that Artie said to him last week that he was going to hang out with him but he ended up blowing him off. Artie had a charity event to do with Sal the Stockbroker.
Ronnie wanted to get back to his story so he blew Artie off. He went on and told Howard how he found this Denali on the auto show floor that had a navigation system he wanted to get that's on constraint so he can't get it. The truck on the floor had everything he wanted so his friend took the serial number off it and he'll be calling to get the truck today. It was up on a stand where no one can get in it so it's in pristine condition.
Gary got back to his story about trying to get into the 3 series BMW while Howard and Artie were doing their impressions of the woman who was sitting in the car. Gary said that the African American family was sitting in the car and then a guy came over and took his picture and five seconds after he turned to take the picture, there was an Asian family in the car sitting there. He eventually got in the front seat and checked it out. He wanted to check out the back seat and two black guys got in the front seat. Gary was sitting in the back and the driver seat guy put his seat back without looking behind him and crushed him. He had to let him know that he was sitting there.
Gary said that there were some cool cars there that were really nice and he doesn't understand why people have to take their pictures in a 3 series BMW. He said that it's gotten worse since everyone has a digital camera now.
Howard said he was out one night and a woman came up to him trying to take his picture but he wasn't ready to be photographed so he had to blow her off. Howard didn't want that picture circulating because he knew he looked horrible. If he had said yes to her, she would have taken the picture with her phone camera and Beth would have had to have taken the picture, it would have turned into a huge thing.
Gary said that everyone who was coming up to get an autograph at the auto show had a camera. They'd all ask for pictures to be taken behind the desk so it would double the amount of time they had to spend there. Some of the people have other people take pictures and they don't know how to use the camera so it turns into a whole thing.
Gary said that someone told him that he and Artie looked miserable there at the show. Howard said he knows why that is. He explained how they were going to get paid to make the appearance but when Scott Greenstein found out about that, he asked them to do it for free. They did it for free when they thought they were going to get paid because Scott had asked them to do it without getting paid. Artie said that he gave a price that was so outrageous that he figured no one would say yes to. They came back to him and said they were going to pay it so he was ready to go.
Management at SIRIUS thinks that Gary and Artie were trying to gouge the company but the two of them weren't aware that it was actually SIRIUS that was asking them to make the appearance. They thought it might be the auto show people offering to pay that money. Artie said he wouldn't have a problem doing that appearance for free if he had just known ahead of time that it was going to be free.
Artie had to do another gig that night and Gary saw him as he was leaving and he really did look miserable. He didn't make any money that night because that show was a charity event. He didn't get paid for that or for the car show thing.
Gary said he ended up going to Scores on Friday night. He said he loves that place because Lonnie hooked him up with a special girl and told her that he was the inventor of a bunch of stuff and that he was the President of Uganda.
Howard and Gary were talking about how Robin had gotten up at 2:30 in the morning to head into work and how that took balls since she only got about 2 hours of sleep. Robin said that she doesn't have a problem with that. She talked more about her tire blowing out and how the tire is gone from the wheel because it just disintegrated. She told the emergency services that she doesn't even want the car now that it's blown a tire.
Howard said that all of America should have been standing outside of that jail protesting because all Tommy did was ship a bong across state lines. He didn't do anything that wrong. Howard read that the government forced him to plead guilty because if he didn't, they were going to charge his wife and son with the same thing. Tommy ended up getting a very conservative judge who let him make a statement while he was in court. Howard said that Tommy told the judge that he was hoping to get kids off of drugs by teaching them Salsa dancing because that helped him keep off of drugs for a while. The judge wasn't impressed and things got even worse for him.
Howard said that the book is a quick read but it's very interesting. He ripped out some pages from the book where Tommmy describes something that went on with his wife and another man dancing Salsa together. Tommy felt like she was cheating on him while she was dancing. That's when Tommy knew that he had to learn how to Salsa dance himself. Howard said that as he was reading that part of the book, he was thinking about how he doesn't want Beth dancing with some stranger on Dancing with the Stars.
Howard said that he read an article about how the war on drugs is out of hand and it should be stopped. It actually fuels more crime and innocent people are being killed over it. He talked more about how crazy it is that Tommy Chong went to jail for selling a bong. The book drives him nuts and he can't believe that the guy spent time in jail for that.
Sour Shoes called in as Cousin Brucie and then went into another strange voice. Fred requested a song and as Sour Shoes was playing it Howard said he actually sounded good. Howard asked Sour Shoes if he's still living with his parents. Of course he is.
Howard said he gave Sour Shoes his own show there at SIRIUS but it didn't go to well. Bubba the Love Sponge hosted the show and it just didn't work out very well. Sour Shoes said he actually loves living at his parents house, they had Chicken Parmesan last night. He does work a little bit and helps out some friends with their Autistic kids.
Sour Shoes said that he actually graduated from St. John's University but he's still not working. Howard requested a song, Prince's ''Nothing Compares To You'' so Sour Shoes performed that real quick. Robin asked Sour Shoes if he's got a girlfriend. Howard said this guy hasn't experienced any ''vagine'' and they should try to get him laid. No guy standing out on the corner playing songs like this guy does is going to get laid.
Howard wanted to know more about the autistic kids that Sour Shoes watches. Sour Shoes said that the kid he watches gets freaked out if anything is out of place. Howard had Artie request a song after that so he requested ''Live and Let Die'' so Sour Shoes went right into that and performed a bit of that. Artie said it sounded like he had a whole orchestra in there when he did his first song so he asked him what happened. Howard told him to do a song he wanted to do so it would sound more organized. He played one song but Howard didn't like it so he asked him to perform ''Addicted to Love.''
Howard asked Sour Shoes if his parents were asleep as he was doing all of this. Sour just laughed and Howard said ''not anymore...'' Howard asked Sour to perform ''Dream On'' for them. He asked Sour what it's like when he goes to family reunions and he's still the guy standing outside of radio stations playing songs. Sour said it's not that bad and played some more songs. Howard asked for some ''Yellow Brick Road'' and Sour was able to go right into it. Then Robin asked for some Cher and he went right into one of her songs for a few seconds. Then Howard had him do some Doors ''Light My Fire.'' Howard asked him how far he was from his parent's bedroom. He said he's right down the hall from them.
Howard heard that Sour wrote a song with Vinnie Favale so he had him perform that song and then asked for some Green Day. Sour did a few seconds of ''Jesus of Suburbia'' and then took a few more requests from Artie and Howard. Howard wanted to interview Sour's father so Sour went down to try and find him. He got him on the line a short time later so Howard asked him how much of a disappointment he is to him. Sour's dad said he's not a disappointment at all. He said that he'll find something some day and things will work out for him.
Howard asked Sour's dad about what happened after he went to college. Dad said he wouldn't mind if Sour spent the rest of his life there living with them. He said he helps out around the house and pays his dues. Howard asked him about his son not getting laid. The guy said that he's not going to get into that. Howard said he should help his son get a woman but the guy said that he'll find someone sometime.
Gary came in and said that he thought Sour dated one of the interns a while back. Sour said that he just talked to her, he didn't date her. Sour's dad wished Howard luck with the new show and went off to work. Sour said that his father is 63 years old and he's still working.
Howard had to get going but Sour wanted to play a game with Gary. Howard let him play the game and said that if he can stump Gary, he'll give him tickets to the Rain Forest concert that's coming up next month. Gary came in a short time later so Sour went into his crazy deejay voice and then sang some songs. Gary got the first one so Sour went into the next song. Howard knew that one so Sour did a third song that Gary knew. Howard requested a song from him after that and then said he had to wrap up with him. He gave him the tickets even though he didn't really win them. Artie said they should have him outside of the Film Festival playing people in. Howard said he's going to get him set up to come down to the film festival.
Sour Shoes doesn't come down to hang out in front of the building like he used to. Sour has problems with his portable piano so that's why he doesn't come down there. Artie was telling Howard that when they were at the auto show the other night this guy Richie from SIRIUS was playing all of the Baba Booey song parodies as people were coming down to get Gary's autograph. Gary had to ask him to cut them off because he was playing so many of the songs. He got really irritated with the songs so he had to ask him to turn them off. He didn't want to sit there for 2 hours while they played that stuff.
Howard had to take a break but Sour Shoes had more questions and comments. Sour mentioned a softball game that Howard and Fred played in back when they were at WNBC. That got Howard talking about that game and how he hit a double that day. He was calling it an ''in the park double'' so Artie and Gary had to straighten him out on that description. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he had Joey Boots sitting out in the green room. He also had High Pitch Eric out there to drop his load on some guy's back. The guy that Sal is supposed to screw in the eye socket is due in around 8:30 but the company won't allow that to happen there.
Lisa said that they'll also be talking about Gary and Artie's appearance out at the auto show. Lisa said there was one woman there who was crying because she was so happy that she got to meet Gary and Artie. Howard said he was walking down the street the other day and a woman approached him saying that she misses the show but she won't buy the SIRIUS radio. He said that all of the news articles out there are saying that his move to satellite has failed even though they just moved. That led to Howard talking about how successful it is that he's brought over about a third of his audience with him. He said that he'd like to have 50 million listeners but having 4 million is very good.
Howard said he was reading articles about how David Lee Roth is being replaced by Opie and Anthony and how they think that it's a big F-You to Howard Stern when they do that. Howard said that its' going to be really tough for those guys to work for CBS because they can't talk about tons of stuff without getting the delay button hit on them. He thinks that they're going to hate it there. He also doesn't care who replaces him because he's done with terrestrial radio now.
Howard said that he wants to look at the list of people who subscribe to SIRIUS to see all of the radio guys who are tuning in to hear his show. Gary said that he met Opie one time and he told him how much he idolized him as he was growing up. Now they do nothing but bash him. Howard said that CBS hiring those guys to get back at him is wrong. He said that if they like them, then hire them and have them replace him, who cares. He said he just wants to do his show and have a good time. He doesn't understand why CBS wants to get at him and sue him. He didn't do anything to him, he just made tons of money for them.
Howard said he could never do a show on terrestrial radio and then do one on satellite. Gary said that he's going to put a list of people together who have talked about how they were going to kick Howard Stern's ass and ended up failing. Howard told Gary he really doesn't care, it's over for him on terrestrial radio. Anyone who wanted to compete against him had 20 years to do that on regular radio. Howard said his focus now is SIRIUS radio.
Lisa G said that they'll be talking about the Miserable Men Show and how that has been expanded to 3 hours now. Howard said he hasn't heard that show yet but he did hear Victoria Zdrok's sex show and it was very interesting. He said that she really is like a sex expert like she's claimed in the past. Lisa said that there will be a second edition of ''Basic Training'' on tonight. Brent Hatley from Bubba the Love Sponge's show hosts that show. Bubba and the guys are up in New York for the Film Festival this week.
Howard and the guys were talking about the pus shocking machines that Bubba said he was bringing up with him. Howard wondered how he got that past the airline security. The guys spent some time talking about Bubba's show and some of the crazy stuff he does on there. Howard thanked Lisa G for coming in and let her go.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he thinks that Opie and Anthony have already failed with their radio show move to satellite and now they're heading back to terrestrial radio. Howard said that his audience has been incredibly loyal to him and they can't have everyone sign up at once, there's not even enough radios for that to happen. People are still signing up ever day so it's not over yet.
Another caller said that he was working at NBC for the Tonight Show and no one likes Stuttering John over there. He said that John would laugh at stuff that Jay didn't think was that funny so he'd just stare at him. The guy had some ratings information about Rebecca Romijn's show ''Pepper Dennis.'' She had just a 1 rating last week so that got Howard talking about how satellite is going to take off over the next few years and people will be listening more and more. There's something for everyone on SIRIUS and it doesn't just have to be for his show. The caller said that his mother bought SIRIUS and she hates Howard.
The caller asked Howard if he could get into the film festival but Howard doesn't have any tickets to give him. There are a bunch of people who want to come but Howard can't get them in.
The next phone caller told Howard that he's loving the show since it moved to satellite and he loves being able to tune in and hear it in the afternoon when it replays. The guy was also telling Howard that Beth is a beautiful girl but she was heading out on a flight and she looked even better when she wasn't all made up. She was very friendly and a genuine person from what he could tell. Howard said that he's pretty sure that she was menstruating that day too and she could have been in a foul mood that day but the caller said that she was very nice.
Howard said that he's heard that Beth's friends have been trying to rock the boat for them lately and he's wondering who's doing that to them but Beth won't tell him.
Howard had to take another break before bringing in High Pitch Eric to blow his load on some guy. That got Artie talking about how Eric comes across as some happy, dumb... Swindler when you hear stories about him. Howard said they'll hear from him a short time and Joey Boots will also be stopping by. They went to break a short time later.
Eric is in to drop a load on a guy's chest so the guy can win tickets to the Film Festival. The guy came in a few seconds later and looked pretty normal to Howard. The guy, George, said that he's had a girlfriend for a couple of years and he broke the news to her this weekend that he was going to have Eric shoot a load on him. He said that she started to cry when he told her about it. Howard said he was told that they can't let Eric actually finish on the guy but no one believes that he can actually do it anyway.
Eric told Howard that the cameras kind of freak him out so he may not be able to perform. Howard told him to give it a try. George asked for a towel to cover his face just in case something happens. Howard said they all know that Eric is going to let them down and not be able to perform. Eric pulled down his pants and then pulled out his penis to try and get the job done. George was laying on the floor while Eric started to pull his pud. Eric showed the guys that he was getting aroused and said that he wasn't embarrassed at all.
George wasn't making any eye contact. Eric said that he was thinking about KFC to get off. Richard brought in some pictures of some gay porn stars having sex to help Eric out but that didn't help. Gary said it looked like Eric was pulling on a garden hose in a pile of weeds. Eric wanted a picture of KC or of Jimmy Kimmel to help him out. He said he watches Jimmy on TV so that's why it might help him out. Howard said that this is the funniest thing he's ever seen.
Eric pulled up his shirt and shocked everyone with his fat belly. They all let out an ''OHhhhhh!'' when the saw his pregnant belly. George said he could see Eric's huge tits under his shirt. Eric told him he has to deal with that. Howard asked George to talk dirty to Eric so he did a little bit calling him a fat load. Eric responded to him and asked him if he wanted him to shoot his load on his chest.
Gary said that Eric was still using his thumb and forefinger to get himself off but it wasn't doing anything. Eric said he was getting aroused though. Richard came back in with a picture of KC so Eric took it and tried to get aroused. It wasn't working so Howard was about to give up. Eric spoke to the picture and asked him help him. He was saying ''C'mon KC, help me!'' Nothing was working. Howard told Eric to look at Robin to try and get aroused. That didn't work either.
Gary wondered why he wasn't hearing names like Carmen Electra and Jenny McCarthy instead of Jimmy Kimmel and KC Armstrong's names. Eric said that he has jerked off to Jimmy Kimmel's image before and he imagined him tickling his balls... but that wasn't gay. Howard had Eric turn around to see his giant ass. He said he wanted to stick a tail on his ass after seeing that.
Mariann from Brooklyn tried to help out by talking to Eric about food but that didn't work either. Howard said that it looks like he doesn't even have a penis because it's so small. Howard told George that they were going to have Eric sit on his face. George didn't want that so Howard gave him tickets anyway. He did come in and actually laid underneath Eric like he was ready to do it so he deserved the tickets.
Howard took a call from this guy Joel from JSM Music who said that he hired some Wack Packers back in January to do a party. Eric showed up and broke his couch and hocked him for $1,500 so he actually gave in and loaned him the money. He claims that Eric said he was going to pay him back but he hasn't been working much lately because he makes appearances with Beetlejuice and Beet hasn't been making many appearances. Joel said that Eric is a fat piece of shit and he owes him the money. He said he doesn't answer his e-mails, phone calls or any other way of contacting him. Eric said that he will pay the guy back but Howard and Gary know that he'll never pay him back.
Eric said that he would pay this guy $100 every time he makes an appearance. The guy knows that he won't pay him back. Sal came in the studio with a fish so Eric ended up running out of the studio because he's afraid of fish. Howard didn't seem to care and didn't bother having him come back in.
Joey said that he learned how to be honest with himself and he felt guilty about a lot of his past. He learned how to control his anger but he knows he will always have that in his life. Howard said he can picture Joey getting thin again now that he's off the booze and drugs. Joey said he has a whole support team now that he can call when he feels that he's in trouble. He's clean now and he's been clean for 64 days already.
Joey said that he's starting to unpack his stuff at his apartment that he moved into back in October. He feels a lot more at peace with himself and he's just feeling much better over all. It was the best decision he ever made in his life. Howard asked him if there were chicks at the rehab center. He said there were a few hot little heroin addicts down there in rehab. He wasn't interested in sex at the time because he was getting off the drugs.
Joey said that he's been told not to get into any serious relationships in the first year after rehab. Howard said he's heard that but no one listens to that. Howard took a call from a guy who asked Joey if he's wearing a skirt today because he sounds like a little girl talking about his feelings. Joey wondered what the guy expects from him, he just went out and did what he had to. The caller said he has a problem with Joey and doesn't want to hear him on the air. Howard said he wanted to hear how he's doing now. Joey told him to shoot him an e-mail at JoeyBoots@aol.com if he wants to discuss something with him.
Another caller said that he saw Joey at the rally back in December and he was a mess. He's glad that he's getting better now. Joey was saying that there are some people he can't hang out with anymore. He said he can't hang out with Rev. Bob Levy anymore because there's a lot of drinking going on there. He said that he's going to go to the after party at the film festival but when he feels uncomfortable he'll just leave.
Joey said that he can't even hang out with Shuli anymore because he likes to smoke and stuff. He's not ratting him out or anything, he's a well known pot head, but he can't be around him because of that. Howard asked him if he hangs with High Pitch. Joey said he has no plans to hang out with him but he would go to the Chinese Buffet if he wants to, but he's not going to hang out with him otherwise.
Joey thanked Howard for helping him get into rehab. Howard told him he sounded great on Superfan Roundtable recently. Howard wondered if anyone thinks that Joey will relapse. Robin said she thinks that he'll relapse on the 27th at the after party. Fred said he will last about 3 months. Artie said that he thinks that Joey will be packing a bong with Shuli outside of the after party. Sal came in with a Heineken and offered it to Joey. Joey told him to get it out of there.
Shuli came in and said that he and Joey used to get baked together. He told a story about how Joey passed out while he was interviewing him for Howard 100 News one time. Joey said that he would cough so much that he would just pass out sometimes. Shuli said that he doesn't think that Joey will relapse and he's sounding great these days.
Artie asked Boots what he thinks is his biggest problem, weed or booze. Joey said that it's the booze. Artie can relate because he was a coke addict and got into the booze after that. Joey said he's going to be doing other things to keep his mind off of the booze and drugs. He also said that Bubba is hooking him up with a chick on Saturday night. He said that he'll be doing it with I Heart NY from SFN. He hasn't gotten laid in well over a year so this will be great for him. Howard told him he'd be a good looking dude if he lost 100 pounds. Sal and Shuli were cheering with their beer bottles as they were talking about that stuff.
Howard started to wrap up with Joey and said he believes that he can make it through with this sobriety and asked if there was anything they could do for him. Joey asked for them to hire him because he could do some great stuff for them. Rev. Bob Levy called in and said that he'll see him back in a week or so. He said he wishes Joey luck with his sobriety and when he's ready to get fucked up again, he'll be there.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who thought it was wrong for Sal to bring in the beer for Boots like that. Another guy said that Joey might have to be kicked out of the Wack Pack now that he's sober. Joey said he was never in the Wack Pack. Zolar called in next so Joey said he can't hang out with him either because he likes to smoke weed. Zolar thinks he'll have Joey smoking on Thursday night. Joey said that his life has changed for the positive and he doesn't want to give any of that up.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Joey to find a nice woman who can take care of him and then he'll be all set. Sal and Shuli were clanking their bottles every couple of minutes toasting anything that came up during the conversation.
Joey said that part of the reason he was drinking so much is because he wasn't getting hired up there at Howard's show while people like Richard, Sal and Shuli were all getting jobs. Howard had Dr. Armstrong on the phone so he spoke to her about how she helped get Joey into rehab. Dr. Armstrong said that she's very proud of Joey for coming out of this whole thing the way he has. She said that he's made quite a transformation since then. She thinks that he will make it through this whole thing even though there is a high relapse rate with people who go through rehab. She thinks that he will be the 3 percent of people who make it through without going back. Joey thanked Dr. Armstrong for her help, he really appreciates it.
Robin suggested that Joey go out and become a Barista for Starbucks. Joey said that's not what he wants to hear from them. He wants a job there. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Jeff the Drunk left a message for Gary where he complained about Artie's comments about his mother. He demanded that Artie not mention her on the show again because she's in the hospital and he doesn't need that crap. He also said that he didn't want that played on the air but they did call and ask him if they could play it and he gave them the okay.
Howard brought up the Tyra Banks show and how great it is with the whacked out stories they do on there. They once did a show where Tyra talked about being afraid of Dolphins. Today Howard had a clip where Tyra helps a woman out with her fear of garden gnomes. He played that clip where the woman talked about her fear of the garden gnomes that is so bad that she's afraid that they're going to crawl out of the TV and get her. She said she's been teased about it for a long time so Howard wondered how anyone would even know about it. The woman talks about how she shakes and cries when she sees the gnomes. Her family has taken gnomes and put them in her shower and chased her around with them.
Howard said that if they took some money and put it in a fish, High Pitch Eric would get over his fear of fish and take that money right out of there. Gary said that Eric was already gone but they were going to try and find him. Meanwhile, Howard played another clip from Tyra's show where a woman spoke of her fear of ovens. She was saying that she stays away from the ovens as much as possible. She said she's not sure why she's afraid of them but there was a TV show when she was a kid where she watched a Nickelodeon show where some kids were attacked by an oven.
Richard stuck the fish in his mouth and we could hear the crunching sound from the bones crushing. Richard then made some strange sounds as he was spitting it out. He took the money from Howard and thanked him for that. He was ready to bite the tail off the fish too but Howard wasn't interested in seeing that.
Artie said that he'd give $50 to any guy who would kiss Richard on the lips after that. Sal said that he would do it for $100. Artie checked to see if he had the $100 but that didn't happen.
Shuli called in and said that High Pitch Eric ran off after Irish John told him what they wanted to do with him. Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk a short time later. He said he was angry with Artie about the way he was talking about his mother because she's in the hospital. Artie asked her if she's all constipated from the cheese he feeds her. Jeff didn't like that joke. He said that she fell so he had to call 911 and have her taken to the hospital.
Jeff was telling Howard that he needs the money from the last time he was there to make it down on Thursday for the film festival. Howard told him that they mail the prize money to him and if he can't make it, he can't make it. It's not a bit deal. Jeff got in a plug for the tux place that hooked him up with his formal wear for the Film Festival.
Howard gave the guys some advice and suggested that they define themselves and not make it all about him. They're sitting in David Lee Roth's chair right now, not Howard Stern's. He said that the more those guys, and all of the other radio guys out there, talk about him, the more it reminds people that they're on SIRIUS.
Howard said that this lawsuit with CBS is really dragging him down. They're still defining themselves through him and using his ''Join the Revolution'' slogan for their Free FM stations.
Nick said that he lost his eye when he was a kid and some fireworks got him in the eye. He was knocked out cold when a mortar went off in his face. He said it exploded right in his face and peeled the skin back on his face. He was about 19 at the time. Artie said that he went through that fireworks stage when he was a kid. Howard said he was doing that stuff too when he was around that age.
Nick said that they gave him the choice to keep the eye and possibly lose vision in the other eye. He actually lost his vision in the other eye for a few weeks but it eventually came back. His depth perception is a little bit off now but he's gotten used to it.
Gary came in and said that this guy is supposed to get married in 2007 and he wanted to get Artie to come to his wedding and perform stand-up. Nick said he was ready to pay $10-15,000 but he was told that it would cost him about $30,000 for them to even go to Artie with that. Nick said it never got to Artie. Howard ended up going off on Gary for bringing that story up because it went nowhere. Gary didn't know why Howard was concentrating on that little thing when it was really nothing.
Nick said that he would be willing to pour a cup of water in the eye socket instead of having Sal fuck him. Sal was ready to go so Richard offered to let them do it up in his apartment. He only lives a few minutes away. Sal said he was ready to go get ''cockeyed''... and that this guy was a real ''dick head.'' He said he was ready to help out a fan to get tickets so he's ready to go.
Howard told the guys to head up to Richard's apartment to make it happen. Howard thinks it's gay but Sal is willing to do anything to help out a fan who wants tickets for the film festival. Nick said that he's not sure Sal will be able to get his dick in there very far because it's not that big of a space. He figures he'll just get the head in there.
Artie said that he's seen guys take their eyes out before so it's not that big of a deal to him. Howard heard that Sal was out in the hall yelling at him for offering up his apartment to do this. Sal and Richard came in and continued their argument because Sal was upset that he would do it on the air there, he doesn't want to go to Richard's apartment to do it. He doesn't need Richard pushing him into it if they could do it there. He said he wouldn't even go to Richard's apartment for any reason, especially not to do this skull f'ing.
Gary said that all of this doesn't make sense to him. Sal eventually said he would go there and do it. Nick popped his eye out a minute later and the hole was pretty small. He needed a glass of water to wet it before putting it back in. Howard said he didn't care about Sal f'ing his eye socket anymore so he told the guys to just give him the tickets.
Nick's brother Brian called in and asked if his brother was actually going to do this, he couldn't believe it. He called him a ''faggot bastard.'' Artie told him that he'd do the stand-up at his wedding for $15,000. Howard said they'll see this guy at the film festival on Thursday night.
Howard said he wished that they would just go over to Richard's apartment and do this. Gary said that Sal was yelling at them for pushing him into it. Sal said he wasn't yelling at them, he was just upset that they were pushing him after SIRIUS said that they didn't want them doing it. Sal isn't proud that he's going to do something like this when he's got 3 kids at home. Sal said he's still willing to do it so Howard told him to go over to Richard's apartment and get it done.
A caller told Howard that Bubba was talking to a doctor the other night and they were saying that this could kill the guy if the dick pushes too far into the guy's head. He could actually hit the guy's brain and kill him. Howard said he was going to put an end to the whole thing. Gary said that's a good thing because Sal was freaking out and talking about how his life is over if he does it.
Howard heard that Robin had invited Richard to her party that Sal isn't invited to. Robin said that's the case and also admitted that she had e-mailed Sal to find out what Richard's e-mail address was.
Gary came in and said that Sal was still out there complaining about how they were pushing him into doing this whole skull f'ing thing. He volunteered for it though. Gary told him that if he didn't want to do it then he shouldn't do it. Sal said he had to do it though because he's not a quitter.
Richard came in and said that he got the invite from Robin and then had to ask her if he could bring his mentally challenged friend with him because he was going to be staying with him that weekend. The guy is about 40 years old and he figures he can keep him busy with a beach ball. It turns out Richard was just jerking her around, he wasn't going to bring anyone.
Howard had his friend Dr. Lew Weinstein on the phone to talk about this skull f'ing thing. He wanted to know if Sal could kill the guy by screwing the eye socket. Lew said that it really shouldn't be a problem because Sal won't have much space to work in. Lew said that the guy may stop breathing because Sal will be so close to him. Lew said that he may want to avoid doing this for legal reasons, not for health reasons. Howard asked if he could get an STD by f'ing an eye socket. He said that things like that could happen. Artie said he might be able to get Pink Cock from f'ing the eye. Howard thanked Dr. Lew and let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from another Doctor who said that the guy could be in trouble because the bone directly behind the eye is only 3mm thick.
A guy called in and said that he didn't get his tickets yet and he's worried that he won't have them in time for the film festival. The guy wondered if he was going to be able to get into the festival if he didn't have the tickets. Howard didn't know so he put him on hold and said that they'd have Doug check on those tickets for him.
Jon Hein also came in and mentioned the stuff they were going to cover on The Wrap Up Show today. He went through some of the crazier things that went on during the show this morning... and there were quite a few. Howard thanked those two for their updates and let them go.
Doug said that they will be judging the films that Howard and the crew entered and the people judging those will be Todd Phillips, Richard Roeper, Richard Belzer, Bubba the Love Sponge and Sam Simon. Then they will show the fan entries and they will be judged by Howard, Robin, Belzer, Roeper and Todd Phillips.
Doug also said that Howard will have a schedule for everyone, hopefully tomorrow, so everyone will know what's going on that night. He asked Robin how her movie was doing because he heard that it was a disaster. Robin said that it is slow going and it will be ready for Thursday... but it may not be done until Thursday.
Howard let Doug go and said that Fred and Robin will hopefully have their film done. Fred is confident that they will have it ready. A caller asked if they will be covering all of this live on Howard 100. Doug came back and told the guys that they will have live coverage from the red carpet and from the After Party.
Gary came in and said that Sal is still out screaming about how he can't win. He's all upset that the f'ing thing went so wrong and how he just can't win when it comes to that stuff. Jon Hein came in and said that he was talking to Sal about coming on The Wrap Up Show and he was going off about how everyone is piling on top of him about this whole thing. Howard heard that Sal is now MIA and no one can find him. Gary said that Sal has locked himself in the bathroom.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that Sal is locked in the bathroom and yelling at them to get the cameras away from him. Doug said that Sal is about to cry so they need to get him in there. It may have something to do with the 2 beers he drank earlier in the morning. Artie said that Sal has told him that he can't handle the booze. Shuli said he actually had 3 beers this morning, that's probably what drove him crazy today.
Mike Gange tried to get Sal to come out of the bathroom. When Howard told him to say that he had to come out of there, he came right out. He didn't want to be bothered anymore and didn't want to talk more about this stuff. Sal came back in the studio and asked why they couldn't just drop it. Howard said that no one said that Sal had backed out but Sal said that's all they were saying about him. Sal said he was willing to fuck a guy in the eye but when he didn't do it because they couldn't do it there, he wanted to drop it.
Gary said that Sal is the one who keeps talking about it. Richard came in and said that if he was the one who ran in and said he'd do it, he'd be at his apartment skull fucking that guy right now. Sal said that he was still willing to do it, he never said no to it. He was also pissed about the comments that Jon Hein made about him.
Howard told Sal that he's crazy and no one cares about this stuff. He told him that he sounds cuckoo talking about this stuff. Sal said he just wanted to be left alone, he said yes to this whole skull f'ing thing. Howard explained to him why Fred was playing the ''Sal's a Homo'' song because f'ing a guy in the skull is gay to them. He kicked everyone out of the studio because Sal wasn't listening to him.
Richard caught some audio of Sal going nuts back in the office and sent it to Howard to play. Sal was screaming about the way people manipulate him. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard saw that Ronnie had signed one of his autographed pictures ''Your Pal Ronnie TLD'' so he started to goof on him for that. Ronnie came in and said he signed just one picture like that, and it was for Jason who took the picture. Howard said that people are very touchy around there because Ronnie was going nuts on him yelling at him for bringing that up.
Howard took a call from a deejay who just got fired from a station in Phoenix, Arizona. He let him tell his story but he thought there might be something missing from his story because he didn't do anything wrong. The guy, Scott, said that he was doing really good in some other markets but this station didn't give him more than 3 and a half months to get the ratings up there. Howard told the guy that there's a way to handle management and maybe this guy just wasn't handling it right. The guy said that he wasn't that outrageous there on the air. He wasn't trying to get away with anything, he's not even sure why he got fired. Howard told the guy he's look into it further to find out what's going on. He's sure he'll figure it out.
The caller told Howard about how the first time went down. He said that they invited this guy over as if he was going to give his wife a massage. He had his wife blindfolded. He sat and watched as the guy did her. He said the guy climbed on his wife's back and rubbed her down and teased her with his ''schwantz.'' The guy didn't do her the first time but he came back a second time and then did her.
The guy finished on his wife on her back the first time he finished. He did wear a rubber according to the guy. The caller said he didn't get jealous either. The caller said he got involved with the second guy they had over for one of these sessions. He said that he gets off on watching his wife moving and making sounds and stuff. Howard ended up giving him a pair of tickets to the Rain Forest concert that's coming up next month. He also told the guy that he may be a little gay if he gets off on something like that. The caller said that he's not gay, he's just trying to spice things up a little bit. He said that they've also discussed having a woman over for him to mess around with.
Howard said that he was stumped by this whole thing. He didn't understand what it was all about even after the guy described it all to him. Rev. Bob Levy called in with a question for the guy. Bob asked if he's ever pulled down his panties and gotten banged up the ass. The caller didn't think that was so funny so Bob told him to go fuck himself. Artie said that this was just insanity to him. Howard let the caller go and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard took a call from Double A who was complaining that he didn't get his tickets for the film festival yet. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he heard from Double A on Friday and he had received a ticket. Double A was looking for a second ticket but Doug said they were holding them for other Wack Pack members. Howard also informed Double A that Beth will not be there at the Film Festival because she's going to be working that night. Double A was bummed because he was looking forward to seeing her.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about his appearance on Bubba the Love Sponge's show for about 2 hours yesterday. He said he called in and Artie heard him so he listened while they were shocking Ross Zaipen's balls on the air. Ross apparent volunteered to come in and get shocked. Howard said he was talking to Bubba about shocking the puss and about Hogan and other things. Bubba is bringing a girl to the Film Festival but no one knows who the girl is.
Howard said Bubba was telling him that Hulk Hogan may be getting a divorce so they talked about that on Bubba's show as well. Robin said that she heard Bubba talking to Hogan recently and was talking about bashing someone's head in if they kept talking about his daughter the way they were. Howard said that Bubba will be in on Thursday so they'll talk to him about that then. He was saying that Bubba should stop telling Hogan what he has to say about his daughter because he really has no idea. Howard knows better than to touch Hogan's daughter because he know he'd snap his neck if he did.
Howard said that Ferrall showed up at Bubba's show so they told him that he needed to get his balls shocked. They ended up shocking him on his arm and then a short time later they had him in his underpants. Then they shoved the shocker down his pants and into his asshole where they shocked him. Howard said that he doesn't get the shocking thing but Robin said that they love it over on that show.
Howard said he had a good time with those guys while he was on the phone. He felt like he was on for at least an hour and a half.
Howard said he's really looking forward to the festival. Doug said he is too... if he makes it. Howard said that Beth is mad at him for booking the date when she's out of town. Doug said that things have gotten crazy at the last minute and he doesn't want to talk about it on the air. They could cause problems. Doug said that some people are asking for more tickets and he just can't do it. Howard said that they should have gotten a bigger theater. Doug said that the theater holds about 600 people though.
Howard read the list of movies that are in the final 9 movies for the film festival. He read each title and gave a quick synopsis of what each one was about. Some of them sounded pretty out there. He thought that some of them sounded pretty crazy but didn't read the whole list. Doug said they'll also have a quick paced montage of the films that didn't make it into the festival.
Howard said that Scott Greenstein was telling him that they should take the film festival on the road to other cities. Doug said they could explore that but the films are going to be on Howard TV On Demand on Friday. Artie thinks that the 600 people should make for a good energy in the room that night.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should bring the festival to Los Angeles next year. Howard said that would be cool because they could have a lot of celebrities there. Robin said that they're going to be covering the festival on Howard 100 but Howard wanted to know exactly what they were going to be covering. He heard that the Superfan Roundtable will be broadcasting from the after party.
Jason came in and told Howard that the Howard 100 News will be covering the red carpet. They'll also be doing the Superfan Roundtable after the festival. Jon Hein came in and said that he'll be covering the red carpet for Howard TV. Jason said they'll be doing the Superfan Roundtable from 10 to 11 that night on Howard 101.
In the first Crazy Alice message, she goes off on Jessica Hahn for some strange reason. In the second one she goes off on Robin and calls her some names telling Sal not to bother with her party. She mentioned a lot of little details about the show that not everyone would know. Gary said that you'd have to listen to every minute of the show to know what she was talking about. The guys like the way she goes from being really mean to being really nice. She flip flops back and forth from hating someone on the show to loving someone else. Artie said he had an uncle that was like that going from hateful to concerned in a split second.
Howard took another phone call from a woman who said that she works out in the Hamptons and she's seen Howard out there and he's a very nice person from what she can tell. She mentioned the name of a town out there that Howard had never heard of so that led to him talking about this football player D'Brickishaw Ferguson and how his parents were trying to name him after a character in a book but they didn't get it right. The name was D'Brickisart and they didn't bother getting it right.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when Dice is coming back in. Howard said that Jenny McCarthy is coming in today and they have Ed Torian the lie detector guy is going to be giving her a lie detector test. Howard said that on his sheet of paper it just says ''coming soon'' but Benjy said that Dice will be in tomorrow according to his schedule.
Howard played a new prank call they made using Dice audio clips so he played that for the guy who called in. They called a house and had Dice saying things from his comedy act that got the people pissed off. The guy who answered the phone thought that he was talking to a Mexican guy. No one was sure how the guy made that mistake though.
Howard said that Chris was telling him how much he liked being there at SIRIUS and how he'd like to do stuff there since he can't do it on the air at CBS. Howard told him to just create bits and send them there if he can't get them on the air. He said they had a good laugh about that.
Howard said he wouldn't want to deal with terrestrial radio again. He's wishing Opie and Anthony luck going back there after being on satellite for a couple of years. He said it's going to be tough to do a show the way they're going to do it. He's also wondering if CBS is going to be suing them if things don't work out for them.
Robin mentioned that David Lee Roth is going to be getting a lawyer because CBS may not be paying him for the contract they had with him. Howard said that CBS made a laughing stock out of Roth and ruined him. They handled things so poorly that they made a fool out of the guy. Howard said they've ruined the guy's life and now they're going to make him fight for his money. He said he just wants to be done with those assholes at CBS but they won't let him go.
Howard said that his advice for anyone who replaces him is not to make it about him, they should get their own thing going. He said that anyone who talks about him is only reminding other people that he's on SIRIUS so go ahead and mention him. He said that if everyone was so happy about being on terrestrial radio, they wouldn't be bashing him for being on satellite. He just doesn't care about Les Moonves, Joel Hollander or anyone else. He said he hopes they die in a plane crash or something.
Howard played an audio clip of a news report about Clear Channel firing him. One guy said that they let Howard go after they found that his show wasn't ''serving the public'' the way they thought it could. Howard said that they don't mention that they didn't pay him after they fired him even though he had a contract with them.
Howard went on to read the article that says Maurey was cheating on his wife with one of his show producers. There's also a woman suing Maurey over the way she's been treated on the set of his show. She's the one making the claims that Maurey is cheating.
Howard changed his mind after reading the article, he didn't know that this woman was making these claims in her lawsuit. He said it sucks when that stuff is on the front page of the paper. It could turn out to be a fake story but now it's all over the cover of the newspapers. Artie said he saw Connie in the paper and she definitely looks like she hit the wall a little bit.
Artie was wondering who is watching Connie's TV show. Howard said that Richard Christy watches stuff like that. He said he watches some show on cable and it's really awful but it's great because it's so awful. He said that the host actually screens the calls while she's on the air. She'll pick up the phone, ask the person what they want to talk to her about and then puts them on hold. He played an audio clip from that show where Richard called in to ask a question. Richard told the women that he was sitting there jacking off to them. Howard said that you have to see the two broads because they're nothing to jack off to.
Howard said that he saw a clip from The Price is Right and one of the models got out of a car and you could see her whole beaver as she got out. She was a just a little bit shaved from what he could see. He said she wasn't wearing panties in the clip and he figures that clip should make it on the web.
Gary said that they know this guy Greg who worked for the Miss America pageant and called him one time and told him that one of the girls had lost her gown so they got to see her titties and all. Howard said that's something his girlfriend would have to worry about because she wears gowns that could drop off like that. Howard mentioned that Beth took her dancing lesson yesterday so they'll have to talk to her about that later on.
A caller told Howard that he's seen ads for XM radios lately where they're giving them away with the purchase of golf balls these days. Howard said that they're kind of desperate now because they're losing NASCAR and now Opie and Anthony are going to be on free radio so people will probably start dropping like flies. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Lisa said that Jessica Hahn has made history on the SternFanNetwork where she has a thread with over 18,000 posts. There will also be a story about Robin's party in the news. She mentioned a few other things like Victoria Zdrok's ''Sex Connection'' show that will be airing after Howard 100 News tonight at 7.
Beth said that she's not sure she could be away from Howard and Bianca (their dog) for that period of time. Howard said that the dog might die if Beth is gone that long. Robin said that the dog could fly out there to visit Beth in Los Angeles.
Artie said that he used to shoot the Norm Show during the week and then he'd fly home for the weekend and it was feasible to do something like that. Beth might need to work on her dance moves over the weekends but she's not sure. Howard told Gary to get Lisa Rinna on the phone to ask her what kind of schedule she had. Gary didn't have her number so Howard told him to set that up for tomorrow.
Howard said that he and Beth used to goof on the people who were dancing on those shows but now she realizes how much work it takes and they have a new respect for them. Howard asked Beth about her dance instructor and how that went. The dance instructor was a woman and she would show Beth how to do the steps and checked to see if she could pull it off. Beth said that she was slow dancing with this woman who was about 4' 5'' tall so it was pretty funny.
Beth said that she felt really sexy while she was dancing and she may continue to take the lessons even if she doesn't do the Dancing with the Stars thing. She said that the instructor told her that she caught on quickly and she has the ability to take on that challenge. She said she doesn't remember all of the steps though. Howard and Robin told her that she'll be repeating that stuff so much that she'd be able to get it.
Howard told a story that he told yesterday about Tommy Chong that he read in his book ''The I Chong : Meditations from the Joint'' about how jealous he got when he saw his wife dancing with another man. He decided to take dancing lessons after that because he felt that his wife was fucking the other guy while he was watching.
Artie told Beth that she could fly back to New York on weekends no problem. Howard asked Artie why he was encouraging that. Beth said that they could also move Howard's show out to Los Angeles for a couple of weeks. Howard said that might not work because he has a 13 year old daughter that he wants to see. She said that he could bring her out to L.A. Howard said she could quit school...
Robin told Beth that she would watch the show every week if Beth was on. Howard said that if they moved that show out to New York, there would be no problem. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Howard that she couldn't leave her family behind to go to Las Vegas so Beth shouldn't leave Howard and Bianca behind. She doesn't want Beth to do the show. Howard took another call from a guy who wasn't making a lot of sense so he was hung up on. Beth said she knows that the offers she's getting are because of Howard. Robin said it's not just because of Howard though, she's getting the offers because of who she is.
Beth said that she would like to talk to someone who had to go from New York to L.A. during the shooting of that show. She was also saying that people are saying that she's going to be the Stacy Keibler of the new season if she does the show.
Howard took another call from a guy who thinks that Howard should do a Dancing with the Stars where Howard punches her in the head so she sees stars. Beth had to get going after that because she has a job to go to. Gary came in and said that there are a bunch of bets on YouWager.com about whether or no Beth will do the show and if she will win or not. He read some of the bets and tried to figure out what they meant. He also mentioned that Jenny McCarthy was there waiting to come in so Howard said he had to take a break before bringing her in.
Howard told Jenny that she's got great tits as soon as she walked in. She was showing off to Howard and complained that the last time she was on, Gary had poured water on her pants so it looked like she made a mess in there. Howard said he remembers it being him tickling her and her getting wet, there was no water involved.
Howard wanted to talk to Jenny about what Jenna Jameson said on the show a couple of months ago. Howard had the audio from Jenna's appearance and he was going to play it but Jenny was talking about how she had cheated on her husband with a bunch of women so Howard talked to her about that a little bit. While they were talking about that they ended up talking about how Denise Richards has been seen making out with Richie Sambora and Howard pointed out that Denise was Heather Locklear's best friend so that's kind of a scumbag move.
Howard played the audio from Jenna's appearance back on February 1, 2006 where she talked about Jenny going down on her in a bathroom one time. After playing the clips he asked Jenny what was true and what wasn't. Jenny said that they did make out but there was no grabbing of boobs and butts like Jenna was saying in the clip. Jenny wasn't sure why Jenna would say that stuff.
Howard played more of the audio where Jenna talks about going into the bathroom with Jenny. Jenny said that the story was almost true... She said that they went into the bathroom together that time and security kicked everyone out. They went into a stall so Jenny watched Jenna pee. She said that was really hot because Jenna was making naughty faces as she was peeing. They made out a little more after peeing and they were against the wall. She said that if someone had made a video, it would have been the hottest thing out there. Howard was ready to shoot that video and sell it for them. He said he'd even finish off on their backs as they did it.
Jenny said that there was no touching of breasts and no reaching around like Jenna said there was. She also said that she never went down on Jenna like she claimed. She swore that she was telling the truth but Fred didn't believe her and Howard didn't believe her. Jenny said that both of Jenna's security guards were in the bathroom with them so that's one of the reasons she didn't go all the way with her. Howard asked her why she didn't send them out then. She said they were all fucked up from drinking so they weren't thinking. Jenny said she didn't even know why the security guys were kicking people out for them because she was so messed up.
Jenny told Howard that she and Jenna exchanged numbers after the make out session. She said she bought about 30 of Jenna's videos after that and got turned on by all of those. She said that they called each other and met up in Vegas at an appearance that they made. Jenna and her friends all came over and met up with her friends so they were all making out there. One of Jenny's friends started to rub Jenna and fingered her while they were in this booth. Jenny claims she just watched as this was going on, she didn't do anything. She said her friend had her fingers in Jenna for quite some time.
Jason came in and told Howard that Jenna tells that story a little differently. Howard played the audio from that part of the interview and Jenna claims that it was Jenny who was using her fingers on her. Howard said he thinks that the two of them got their stories mixed up. Jenny said that it was really her girlfriend who fingered Jenna, not her. Jenny said that she asked Jenna to go upstairs and take a bath with her but Jenna had to leave and never went up. Jenny said that Jenna kind of turned her down.
Howard said that Jenny talks about making doody and stuff in her book ''Life Laughs : The Naked Truth about Motherhood, Marriage, and Moving On'' and that's just not right. She should think about who she is before writing stuff like that. Jenny said that she had diarrhea at a book signing she did one time but Howard told her that guys don't want to read about that stuff.
Jenny also wrote about having a dingle berry on her ass one time when she had a guy go down on her. Howard said that probably wouldn't slow him down with her because she's so hot. He told her to go get on the lie detector so they could get that done.
Ed Torian the lie detector guy was there to hook her up and test her. They had to have her take her blouse off and Jenny thought that he was just some perv. Howard gave her a plug for her book while Ed was hooking her up to the polygraph. Howard watched as she was getting hooked up. He gave her a plug for a book signing she's doing at the Borders Books in Columbus Circle tomorrow.
Ed said he remembers Jenny from MTV and he's a big fan. Howard told Jenny not to hesitate with her answers and to give a yes or no answer. Jenny was already nervous just from being hooked up to the machine. Howard asked her when she was with a woman last. She said it was probably that night with Jenna, nothing since then. She's had a couple of guys though.
Howard asked Jenny the questions he had so here are some of them and her answers...
Jenny told Ed that he was just as weird as she thought he was going to be. Gary told Howard that Ed had just cut them a new song so he had him play that. Howard played the song which was a remake of ''My Niggas.'' He only played a few seconds of that because he was distracted by Ed asking Jenny to sign his polygraph paper. Howard wrapped up with Jenny and asked that she not wear any panties at her book signing. Benjy got to feel her up as she was getting ready to leave.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jenny should be on more often. Howard said he knows that and he'd like to have her in more often but it's tough to get her in there. He said he needs for her career to tank more so she'll have to come in more. Artie said that they didn't even get her on the Sybian. Howard told Gary to get in touch with her and have her come back up because he has 5 more questions and that they want her to ride the Sybian.
Howard had Fred get back to the commercials and hoped that Gary would get Jenny back in there so he could get in those questions he had.
Howard said he's loving the whole thing and Sam Simon has written a sitcom for them and it's really funny. He said they're going to do a radio sitcom for everyone and then maybe animate it. The show is called ''Desperate Howard Wives.'' They have so much going on there that it's just nuts. Tim Sabean came in and said that the sitcom will air on Howard 101 when it's ready. Tim also asked Howard if he will have the time to meet with Sam Simon when he comes in. Howard said he loves the script and he's not going to throw it out like he would do with someone else's stuff.
Gary came in and said that he did speak to Jenny McCarthy but she was getting into an elevator so he lost the signal. He's been trying to call her back and may just put her through in a couple of minutes.
Howard said that he's never seen a movie like hers and he didn't like ti. He didn't know that she was going to move to Utah because of that though.
Howard read an article about Opie and Anthony where they talk about how they can talk to Howard's listeners but he can't talk to theirs or some nonsense like that. Howard isn't sure why they care. They're not competing with him on terrestrial radio now. That led to the guys talking about how XM must be getting ready to play a ton of commercials now that they're guys are going to be broadcasting on terrestrial radio. Howard said he really doesn't care now. It could have been any of a bunch of guys who work for that company that could have come in and replaced David Lee Roth, but he doesn't care anymore.
Howard doesn't understand why Joel Hollander and Les Moonves just can't forget about him and leave him alone. Artie asked if Tom Chiusano has spoken to him lately. Howard said they do keep in touch via e-mail but they try not to talk about work. He said he's still going to get together with Tom for dinner and stuff.
Howard had Joanie singing for them and after hearing that he figured that she had to be wasted. She was talking about making a movie for the film festival but it was a little late since it's coming up on Thursday. She had no idea that it was coming up that soon. She wasn't invited so she was kind of insulted that she didn't get an invite. Gary said they've tried to get in touch with her but she's been changing management a lot and that never happened.
Howard asked Joanie to kiss Chloe so that's what they did for a few seconds. Then Joanie was rambling about this movie she wants to make. Howard told her to come down for the film festival on Thursday and he'll get her in there. (UPDATE 04/26/06 - According to reports on wrestling sites around the web, a spokesperson for Joanie is claiming that this call was not made by Joanie, it may have been an impersonator. Joanie was apparently visiting troops out in Los Angeles... if it was an impersonator, she sure was convincing.)
Howard said he got a call from Dominic the other night after not hearing from him in a while. He knew that something was going on so last night he was told that he's engaged to Leslie again. He just divorced her about 6 months ago. Howard said he saw him getting divorced in an diner somewhere one time.
Leslie got on the phone and said that there were ''millions of reasons'' for them to get back together again. She said that she's going to a psychiatrist tomorrow morning to figure out why she's going through with this again. Robin told her that this is crazy. They're back to living together again and she's going to see how things go.
Gary came in and asked how far he could go with Leslie. Howard told him to go for it and ask anything. Gary said that he heard that Dominic came home and told her that he was just going away with his girlfriend and they weren't going to be hanging out on New Year's Eve. She said that they may have to do Meet the Shrink together because she told Dominic that he has to do therapy with her.
Leslie said she's not working with Dominic anymore but they were working together at one point. She said that they never stopped talking to each other the whole time they were separated. She said that she had a boyfriend and Dominic had a girlfriend. They went through their problems and now they're back together.
Dominic got on the phone and said that he doesn't think that Beth should do Dancing with the Stars because it would be too much time away from Howard. Gary thought it was funny that Dominic was giving Howard relationship advice.
Dominic said that it's good to be back and he'll see everyone on Thursday at the Film Festival. Robin said she had no idea what was going on with him so she didn't invite him to her party. Dominic got off the phone a short time later.
Howard said it was impossible to watch her movie. She said she knows that it's not for everyone but he could have fast forwarded through the parts she didn't like. Tabitha said that her feelings were hurt by Howard's comments so she got bummed out by that.
The guys were talking about Tabitha raising Alpacas and she was saying that they're not cheap animals. Artie said ''who cares!?'' and told her to move back to L.A. because she's going to go nuts out in Utah. Howard played a clip from Tabitha's movie so people would know what he was talking about. There are a lot of long discussions in the movie that really bored him. He played a couple more clips from the movie and said that she really needs to do a major edit on that movie.
Tabitha said that she was supposed to go to see Howard at Letterman's show that night that he bad mouthed her movie because she thought that Howard would get pissed that she was there. Howard told her that he likes her, he just didn't like her movie.
Gary said that the reason that Will had called her and found out that she was in Utah was to ask her about banging this Make-A-Wish kid who is dying of cancer. Tabitha said that she would do him for the show. Howard said the kid is a good kid but the Make-A-Wish people are kind of lame with their wishes. Howard said he'd let the kid know and bring Tabitha in from Utah. He let her go a short time later.
Howard was thinking of doing a promotion where they'd let the next 1000 subscribers bang Tabitha. He said that he'd have to check into that before they can do it though.
Yucko said that he went back stage at Gilbert Gottfried's comedy show after they did the Daniel Carver roast and Gilbert offered him a DVD so he figured it was a freebie. After Gilbert handed him the DVD he said ''That'll be twenty bucks!'' with a straight face. Howard said that's crazy and couldn't believe that he would do something like that to another comic.
Yucko wasn't in his costume when he was back stage so Howard figured that Gilbert just didn't recognize him. Yucko said he told Gilbert who he was and he knew exactly who he was. Gilbert did throw in a free autograph according to Yucko. He threw him the twenty bucks though. Robin said that Gilbert is doing better than Yucko so that's kind of crazy that he would ask for money from him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he made the best movie for the film festival and he doesn't understand why it didn't get picked. He said it was called ''Howard's Real Revelation'' and it was about Howard revealing that he had a huge penis. Howard said they had a panel of guys going through all of the movies so maybe it was just edged out by the finalists. (There were over 2000 entries and they picked 9 finalists.) Howard said they may have to have this guy come in and show it in the studio so they can check it out. Howard
One of the guys, Greg, from In Demand came in and said that he watched the movie and it wasn't that good. The guy explained his movie and described it to everyone but as he was telling the story Fred was playing snoring sound effects. Howard said that it would have been funnier if he had the penis eating people instead of just looking big. Greg said that the film went nowhere so that's why it didn't make it into the finals.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he just got hooked up with SIRIUS and he has no idea how Howard made it on terrestrial radio after hearing him on satellite. He asked for a prize but Howard had nothing to give away. Instead, Howard mentioned a bunch of show notes about Howard 101.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about this movie that's coming out about 9/11. Howard said he can't watch a movie like that and some of the other guys said they wouldn't be able to either. Benjy said he would probably go to see it. Artie did too but Fred, Robin and Howard all said they can't watch something like that.
Howard said he heard that Yucko is so broke that he's got to get a regular job. Yucko said he had to get a paper route but he was just kidding. He swears that he doesn't have to get a real job but Sal came in and said that Yucko told Bob Levy that he may have to get a real job if things don't pick up soon. Gary told Howard that Bob Levy just got a gig as the host of some porn awards show. He thought it was the AVNs but it turns out its some other porn awards (It's actually the Fans of Adult Media & Entertainment Awards).
Howard read some e-mail and some people were sending in notes about what names Robin could use for her new boat. Robin said she's already named the boat but she doesn't give out the name.
Howard read some more mail and found a note from this chick Lindsay who wants to be in Playboy. Yucko recognized her picture when he saw it because she's on Myspace. She's only 19 years old.
Howard had some feedback about Sal almost banging a guy in the eye socket. There was some feedback about Artie bad mouthing the Don and Mike show from an angry Don and Mike fan.
Someone wrote in and asked Howard to get Tom Chiusano out of CBS and bring him over to SIRIUS because he's missed now. Howard said that they don't really have a job for Tom there but he'd give him a job if he could. Tom was kind of wormy about some stuff over at K-Rock too. He said he doesn't think that Tom ever fought for them to get to say certain things on the air. He does like Tom though and he still stays in touch with him.
Another writer said that they like Sour Shoes when he calls in and said that Howard should give him his own show. Howard said they already tried that and it didn't work out.
Someone wrote in about Scott's bowling high score of a 290 and figure the only way he could have done that was to get all strikes until the final frame. Scott came in and said that it was actually a 9-Spare and then 11 strieks in a row after that. He's still a loser becuase he still can't get a perfect 300.
Howard read an e-mail about Robin being a bitch becuase she won't invite Sal to her party. Howard sadi that the reason she didn't invite him is because Sal goes nuts when he's invited to a party like that. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that he was going over all of that in the break so he wasn't able to go pee. He's had to pee for about 2 hours now and he really needs to break. He wanted to find a song to play so he could go pee. He had problems because his computer was messed up. He had a production library on his screen instead of a music library. He got pissed that his computer wasn't working and his mouse wasn't right. Gary told him he has a mouse with the word ''music'' on it.
Ed said he was talking to Sal and Richard about how they could bring in a porn actress in a hotel room and ask her questions about having sex with black guys and stuff like that. Then they could have a black guy jump out of the closet and confront her. They could do like a reality porn or something like that.
Gary said that Ed was pitching the idea to anyone out in the hall who would listen to him. Howard said that they could give Ed a budget from Howard TV and pay him based on how many hits he gets from On Demand. Artie said that Ed was great for a pitch meeting. He did his impression of Ed for a short time and goofed on his idea a little bit.
Richard Christy came in and said that Ed did some singing for them and told Howard where to find the songs on his computer. Howard played some of the songs where Ed attempted to belt out the lyrics with that strained voice of his.
Howard asked her if she's hot. Jamie said she thinks she is pretty hot and there are some other hot chicks on the squad as well. He asked her if she has ever done a guy while on duty. Jamie said she hasn't done that. Jamie also hasn't done any chicks either. Howard told her that she sounded super hot. He wondered if guys ever beat off to her when she brings them to jail. She said that she just leaves them there at jail and goes back out on patrol so she doesn't know if they do that.
Officer Hot Chick said that Jamie wears just a sports bra under her uniform which Howard found to be pretty hot as well. He was asking her if she's ever done her husband in her patrol car. Jamie was laughing at everything that they were saying to her. Jamie claims that she looks kind of like Shakira from what she's been told. Howard heard that and asked her to lock him up. Yucko asked her if she's a Spic... She said she is Spanish. She said she doesn't have a big ass like Jennifer Lopez but she'd like one.
Howard said that all female cops should dress like Wonder Woman, that would be cool. He let her go a short time later.
Jon Hein was also in to give a Wrap Up Show preview. Jon mentioned the stuff they would be discussing on today's show if they have time.
Howard took a call from Joey Boots who said that George had his story wrong. The guy on eBay is selling a DVD collection of the shows that are going to air on Friday, not the movies that are out to the press. Joey said that the guy is going to record the shows and put them on DVD. Howard said that's illegal so he's hoping that someone takes care of that. He let Jon and George go and then had Robin start her news.
Robin got to her news after the Yucko stuff. During the news Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that Sal has spelled the word vegetables wrong. Howard had Sal come in and spell the word for them. He spelled it ''VEGATABLES'' so Howard goofed on him for a short time about that. Howard asked him to spell a few other words and asked him if he knows how many states there are. He said there are 52. Howard told Sal to get out of there a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy by the name of BJ who said he's dying of pancreatic cancer. Howard ended up offering to let him come in to the studio to meet everyone before it kills the guy. He said the survival rate is only about 6 months so it doesn't look good for him.
At one point Howard was having some fun with the opening guitar riff in Jethro Tull's 'Aqualung' song where he was inserting his own lyrics. He said that you can put just about any lyrics in there. He had everyone in the studio putting their own lyrics in the song as he pointed to them around the studio. Yucko went with ''Dirty stinking Nig***s'' which brought it to a grinding halt for a short time. Howard said that he had gone a little too far with that one. Howard did that for about 5 minutes before having Robin get back to her news. Howard got back into it again a short time later. Robin started reading her news stories to the song. She wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started off the show talking about Mark Cuban who will have his own show on SIRIUS. He's calling the show The Radio Maverick and Howard is thinking that's not the right name for the show because you don't call yourself a maverick if you are one. He said that it should just be called the Mark Cuban show or something simple like that.
Howard said that the film festival is tomorrow night and he was going over the rundown of that after the show yesterday. They have Artie hosting the event and Howard and Robin will be judging the films. There are times when Howard and Robin have to get the judges opinions on things and things like that. Robin wondered if the winners get to come up and make speeches. Howard figures they will but he didn't seem to know.
The night is going to be strange because they only have the theater until 10pm. Artie said that's the one thing that will hold them back that night. He's not sure if he should keep things moving along quickly or let things happen as they may. Howard and Artie are going to go back and forth hosting together.
Howard mentioned some of the things that will be going on with Howard 100 and 101 that night. They will have the Superfan Roundtable going on around 9pm. Jon Hein and Gary will be doing a show that will play the next morning as well.
The theater holds about 600 people and they've given away all of the tickets. Walt Sabo from SIRIUS called Howard and complained that he wasn't invited and the Howard 100 News team wasn't invited to the after party. Howard said that they're done doing things like this if people are going to complain like this. He said that this event is for the fans because it's work for them, it's not a party. Doug has let Howard know that they're at capacity right now so they can't fit in anyone else.
Howard said that John Stamos isn't going to make it to the film festival because he's taking some chick down to Key West to bang some chick. He said that John told him he was going to make it but then let him know he wasn't going to make it. He said that the chick John is banging is really hot and he can understand why he's taking her away instead of going to the film festival. Artie said he'd take the tickets if he wanted to get rid of them. Howard said he needs them for other people like Walt Sabo. Artie said he'd rather see a truck driver get them but Howard said that he consults with Walt very often so he's going to get them.
Howard said he gave all of the tickets to the fans and now he's got people like Walt blaming him for not being invited. Fred said that these people should have been calling a while ago because the film festival was announced months ago. People are just waiting until the last minute before they ask.
Artie asked Richard if he has brushed his teeth since he bit the head off of the fish. Richard said he brushed them that night. That got Howard talking about how many problems Richard has had with his teeth and how you'd think he'd be brushing about 4 times a day after having so many cavities... 22 cavities in all. Richard said that when he flosses his teeth it smells like something died because he has a wisdom tooth that's dying and has to be pulled. He said he used to be jealous of his father because he didn't have any teeth and could brush his false teeth in the sink. Howard and Artie goofed on Richard a little after hearing that. They did their impressions of him and made fun of his accent.
Richard said he thinks he brushed his teeth a total of 4 times when he was in high school. He also said he took showers just a couple of times a week. It's been a few days since he showered this week. Artie wondered how often he shits and doesn't shower. Richard said it's a couple of times. Richard said he sometimes he runs his finger along his right ball and smells it because the cheese builds up down there. He also said that he'll smell his underwear after a couple of days when it gets smelly because it smells kind of like a woman.
Howard asked Richard if he's still beating off every Friday night. He said he has to be really careful since he was living with Will for a while. Will is out now so Richard is back to being alone in the apartment. He said he's cleaning up the apartment and fixing it up now.
Richard let Howard know that he didn't brush his teeth this morning so Howard wondered how he can go through the day without doing that. Richard said they still feel kind of fresh the morning after he brushes them so he doesn't bother.
Howard said that guys who are in prison take more pride in their hygiene than Richard does. He told him he should work on that and keep himself clean. Richard said there were times when he was living in the warehouse down in Florida when he figured he didn't need to bother brushing his teeth.
Gary came in and said that Oral B has this thing where you can brush your teeth with a brush that goes on your finger so Richard could do that at work. Richard said he's seen people using them before. He didn't sound like he was going to get right on that though.
The guys were talking about that womanly smell that Richard was talking about. Howard said he knows what he meant by that smell. He's caught a whiff like that before. They were also talking about how some women are really smelly down there. Howard was also talking about his pubic hair and how some of them are longer than his penis is. He's also got hair growing on his shaft that he needs to trim.
Artie said it's funny how Richard won't brush his teeth or shower but he will shave down his bush. Howard said he asked Ralph to show him the top of his bush the other day because he wants his own to look proper. Ralph got all freaked out and didn't show it to him so he knows that Ralph isn't gay. Robin wondered if Howard would be able to tweeze out the hairs on his shaft. He told her he's not sure he could do that. Artie and Richard both said that they've cut their balls when trimming their bushes before. Howard has never done that to himself.
Artie wondered if Beth would want to play basketball against him. Howard said she's really rusty these days but she would really try to win if she did play against him.
Howard said that he and Ralph were on the phone laughing at Paula Abdul as she was crying so Beth was saying that she doesn't want to be doing Dancing with the Stars with those two sitting home and laughing at her. Howard went into his Eric the Midget voice since he's decided to do that when he talks about American Idol.
Howard, as Eric, was talking about Catherine McFee and how hard she was making him. Howard said he thought she was really good on the show but Robin thought she was horrible. Gary said that no one was great last night, they were all bad. Gary thinks that Kelly Pickler will be gone tonight. Howard was still doing his Eric voice and talking about the show.
Robin said the best part was when Paula Abdul broke down and cried. Howard played some of that audio and talked about how she's a sick, sick woman. He said that he and Beth were watching the show and he had to turn up the volume as Ryan Seacrest was giving out the phone numbers. That's how much he likes the show. Artie was watching a baseball game and eating a sandwich while Howard and the guys were watching American Idol. He doesn't get it and can't watch that stuff.
Gary said that the button on the TiVo where you can go back 8 seconds is the Wife/Girlfriend button. Scott DePace told him that he came up with that name because he uses it when his wife makes a comment while he's watching TV.
Howard played more of Paula crying on the show last night. She was making a speech to one of the kids on the show and was tearing up as she did it. Simon Cowell was laughing at her but said that he wasn't. Howard said the show is great because they basically throw a kid to the wolves each week. Gary thought that Simon was cut off last night because he was making Kelly cry by hitting her over and over again with his comments.
Artie mentioned that when he first saw ''Survivor'' he thought it was an awful show. Howard and Gary both think it's still a great show. Howard thinks that Pickler or the ''grey haired guy'' will be voted off the show tonight. He wanted to do more of his Eric the Midget voice but his megaphone was broken recently and wasn't working correctly. His computer screen disappeared right after that so he was going to go to break. Then he decided to take phone calls instead.
Howard checked into Artie's Devil Dog box to see how much he's actually eaten over the past few weeks. He saw that Artie is using the box as a storage bin because he has his mail and other food in the box. Richard asked how many Devil Dogs Artie could actually shove into his mouth at once. Artie didn't want to do that because it would make him sick for the rest of the morning.
Howard took a call from a woman who is driving up from Myrtle Beach for the Film Festival. She won tickets and will be up by Thursday. Howard said that they will have a bunch of the Film Festival entries up on Howard TV at the end of the week. They'll need about a week to edit the Film Festival coverage and get that up.
Another caller said that he saw a crotch shot on American Idol last night just like Ralph did. He said he couldn't really tell if it was a black thong or a bush shot though.
A caller told Howard that his radio broke and he didn't have a radio for about 2 weeks while SIRIUS was covering it under warranty. He was trying to tell Howard that the people who are saying that he's a failure are wrong because they have a 2 week backorder on the radios right now.
Gary told Howard that they had an audio clip from Jason and Will's Page 69 Report on Howard 100 News but Howard's computer was down so he couldn't play it. Gary said that they thought he was going to take a break and they were going to fix it during the break. Howard took another phone call before going to break. The caller told him that thanks to Artie, he won a lot of money betting on the college hoops games that he was recommending. The guy said that thanks to Artie, 27 of his family members have SIRIUS radios. He ended up winning $20,000 so he thanked Artie a few times for that. Artie said that maybe the guy didn't know what a mush he could be. The caller said he put $10,000 on one game because of what Artie suggested.
Another caller said that Kelly Pickler was rubbing Ryan Seacrest's leg before her performance last night. Howard said that he saw that too and he figures that she could probably give a great hand job. He said he loves a great hand job. He said he was listening to Victoria Zdrock's show and she was talking about how you can get STD's from a hand job just as easy as from sex. Howard was talking about how some women lick their hand when they give a hand job and that spreads the bodily fluids as well. Benjy said that your balls also touch things even when you're wearing a condom. Robin said that's not a mucus membrane like the head of the penis is.
Howard said he was talking to Jenny McCarthy about doing stuff with Jenna Jameson and wondered how she can make out with her knowing that she's a porn star. Jenny said she's not worried about it and if she gets Mono or something, she can take pills for that. Howard recapped the stuff that Jenny talked about during her interview yesterday and said it was a great interview.
Jenny mentioned that she would be willing to make a video with Jenna where they make out and do stuff on camera so Howard is going to contact Jenna and see if she's up for that. He went to break after that.
After the break Howard was listening to some Billy Joel songs. Fred had one playing as they came out of break so Howard had him playing some other ones. They moved on to play some new Baba Booey song parodies that a fan sent in. Howard said he thought they were Sal's songs because the guy sounds just like him. He played a couple of the new ones and said that he'd like to let that guy come to the film festival but he's got no tickets.
Howard also had some Andrew Dice Clay song parodies that he played quickly. He also played the Dice prank call that he played on the show yesterday. He said that it took a lot of work to put that together because the clips they used of Dice were from his stand-up act and there's a lot of echo in them. Howard said he loves when people get in arguments with phony phone callers.
Allan said that he heard that there were other tapes out there of Ted Turner having sex as well. He said that he saw the tape back in 1994 and Jane Fonda looked good in the tape. She was using a strap-on with Ted according to this guy. He said that Ted didn't have a very large penis or anything but it was adequate. He said that there was also another woman in the room with them and Jane went down on her. He said that he saw Jane use the strap-on dildo on Ted and he's convinced that it was really Ted Turner.
Howard said that he would never let a tape get out there of something like that. Allan said that he took the whole thing up his ass as well so it was pretty appalling when he saw it. There was some talking on the tape and Ted was saying that his dick was as big as a house. He also got upset when Jane accidentally pulled out at one point. Howard read from Allan's book where he describes the tape and it's a pretty graphic description.
Howard said it seems like Ted is into a pretty wild scene. Allan claims that he had to cut out part of his description because Ted was blowing the dildo at one point. He said that Jane was also jerking him off but not doing it good enough so Ted took over and blew his load on his own chest.
Howard made sure he let it be known that he doesn't know if this stuff is true and that he has no proof that it was actually Ted Turner in the tape that Allan describes. Howard heard that Allan was fired after he roasted Larry Flynt one time.
Howard asked Allan what he thinks he could make if he had a tape of Jenna Jameson and Jenny McCarthy doing stuff together. Allan said that if the tape was from about 6 years ago, it would be worth a lot more. He thinks that the tape could be worth six figures though. Howard gave him a plug for his book ''Prisoner of X'' and then went to break.
Dice said that he was stopped by a couple of guys on the street and the guys were telling him how funny he was when he was on Howard's show a few weeks ago. Howard said that someone asked him if he would go back to terrestrial radio to get the big audience. He said that the people are moving over to satellite and he doesn't want to go back there. He said he feels he has his integrity back since moving to satellite and he's not going anywhere.
The guys talked about the ''terrestrial radio'' term and how they had to come up with that after satellite radio was invented. Dice was also talking about everything they're calling ''hybrid'' these days. He doesn't get that and doesn't understand how they can use it for everything from cars to TV shows.
Howard said he remembers a couple of things about Dice's career where he got into some trouble. He went on MTV one time and got banned after cursing up a storm. Dice said he was asked to introduce Cher one time and he had his buddy Hot Tub Johnny with him. There were a couple of other comics like Paul Reiser there bombing on stage so Dice wanted to liven things up. Hot Tub Johnny asked him if he was going to go out and be a ''tear drop or a tidal wave.'' Then Dick Clark came over and told him that if he needed to fill time, they could send Arsenio Hall up to work with him. Dice said he got pissed at Dick after that. He ended up getting called on stage and he was pissed at that point so he did his act where he did his poems for the audience. He did those and that's what got him banned from MTV.
Dice said that the press was so stunned that day that there were no questions for him. He said that it was as if he had shot someone on stage. It also helped make him bigger than he already was. Dice was doing some Al Pacino lines from Donnie Brasco and wanted Artie to join in but Artie didn't know the movie that well. Artie wanted to do some Godfather stuff but Dice didn't want to do them.
Dice did some scenes but Artie couldn't join in because Dice was improvising his lines. He was doing his Marlon Brando impression and Howard said he was really getting into his characters. Dice was making up new scenes for Godfather Part 4 where he was talking about fingering a chick up to the knuckle a