Howard started off the morning talking about Robin's party that happened on Saturday afternoon. He said that a lot of people from Howard 100 and 101 were there. Robin thanked Howard for a phone call he made to her over the weekend. Howard said he had a good time down there but it was a long drive out there to her house. He said he wished that he could have stayed over and figured that's what Ralph did. Robin said he didn't stay over though.
Howard said that Robin was wearing a nice outfit that really impressed him. He said it appeared that she wasn't wearing anything under this dress she was wearing. Artie said he could see her slip and it was cut right up to her private parts. She had nothing to be ashamed of according to Howard and Artie.
Robin took Howard out on her boat during the party so Howard asked who was there with them. Gary came in and said that they had a staff of boating people there at the party. He talked about the captain and the other guys who were helping Robin out with her water sports stuff.
Gary was out with his kids messing around on this jet ski boat and he wasn't able to get back that quick. Gary said they were out on this boat and they have to help others follow out the jet ski that Ralph wanted to ride. They had to leave the dock area at about 2 miles per hour. Then they had to go out and get gas so that was a long trip to the place where they had to get gas. Gary claims he was having a great time with his kids but Howard thought that it wasn't what he was looking for. Gary said he wanted to go out for about 20 minutes but it lasted over an hour.
Gary said that Ralph was having fun on the jet ski and one of his kids mistook him for Howard. Howard said a lot of people have been making that mistake lately. Howard wasn't aware of when Ralph started to look like him. The guys told him it's happened recently and if you take a quick look at him, he does look like Howard. Howard said he didn't used to look like him in the past.
Gary said that someone saw Ralph standing on the side of the Garden State Parkway taking a leak and there's no telling who thought it was actually Howard taking a leak. Howard said he read on SternFanNetwork that there was a guy who knew where Robin lived and he was going to video tape the event. Howard saw the guy there and also saw that the cops came and arrested him.
Artie said there was a band that showed up on a flatbed truck and played out near Robin's place. He said they actually sounded good. He said he had to go ask the guys to leave because he didn't want anyone thinking he had anything to do with it. The band knew the cops and that's how they got in according to what they heard.
All of the guys said they had a great time out there at Robin's party. Howard said that Ralph was out for a couple of hours on the jet ski. Robin said he acted as if he did her a favor when he came back in and told her that he had broken it in for her.
Howard asked Robin why she's got a jet ski because she can't even swim. Robin doesn't seem to think that's a big deal. She wears a life jacket so she doesn't really have to swim. She was able to drive her boat though. Artie threw in a plug for the band that played for him out there... Shorty Long. Howard told him to stop with that, he doesn't have to plug them, they didn't do anything for him. Artie said they did give him a t-shirt though.
Howard said that Gary was double dipping cookies in the chocolate fondue that they had at the party. Gary said that wasn't true and it was just Sal telling stories. That led to Gary telling a story about Sal bugging him about hearing that Howard was looking for him to take him out on the boat but took Richard instead. Howard said that he was going to go out on the boat with Robin so he hopped on with a few people he knew and a couple that he didn't know. Robin told him that they were good friends of hers. The kids looked miserable according to Howard.
Howard said he was buzzed out of his mind when he got on the boat. He saw Richard out there so he invited him to get on. Then all of these other people who weren't interested in getting on wanted to get on all of a sudden. It was like a party boat once Howard got on. Robin said that she had to ask people to get off because she had so many on there. Then Sal heard about Richard getting on and that threw him into a frenzy according to Gary.
Sal was blaming Shuli for not getting on the boat. He went out for a smoke with Shuli and that's when Howard went out on the boat. Sal said that Dominic Barbara told him that Howard was on his way out so he ran back into the party and saw that the boat was gone. Howard said that he and Richard had a great conversation out on the boat too. Sal said he saw Richard give Howard a kiss on his cheek as they were pulling back in.
Richard said he fell in love with Robin again at the party. Robin said that he was proposing to her out on the boat. He was hoping that their boat would get stranded on an island and she'd eventually fall in love with him. Howard said he loved to see that Steve Langford was so pussy whipped at the party. He was there with his wife and kids.
Howard also mentioned that they had a really nice port-a-potty there that was like a real bathroom. He said there was a urinal and a toilet there. He went in because there was no lock on the door and he heard a little voice coming out of the stall. It was Gary's kid Lucas who asked him not to look at him. Howard told him he was just going to take a piss and he'd make sure no one would look at him. He figured the kid had to take a dump and he just wanted some privacy.
Sal said that he had to take a shit at the party and left a dump so big that he had to flush 4 times. Sal said there was no water in there so it looked like a tropical island in the toilet. Howard said he went in there toward the end and didn't want to go in there because it looked like there was about 20 floating turds in there. He said that it could have been a little better if it had flowing water in it. The guys talked about the decor in the port-a-san toilets. They were pretty impressive according to the guys. Sal said there was actually crown molding in them.
Howard asked Robin if the place is expensive down there. She said it depends on where you live but they can be in the millions. Artie said there was an open house nearby that had an elevator in it. He said it was 4 mill. The guys figured that Robin paid more for hers. She said that she's got an elevator shaft in it just in case she ever wants to add an elevator. Gary said that he went to the Perfect 10 house out in California and the elevator there only goes up one level and it goes really slow.
Artie said he was up in Robin's master bedroom with an unlit cigar in his mouth. He told the guys he was with ''Clear the room, I gotta take a shit.'' Richard said he was thinking about which rooms Robin had sex in as they were getting the tour of the house.
Sal said that when JD gets drunk his lower lip opens up and spit comes out. He was also wobbling while he was out on the boat. Ronnie came in and said that JD spilled his drink on him and was really nasty while he was drinking. JD said it was just a little bit that he spilled on Ronnie but Ronnie said it was his whole drink that he spilled.
The guys were talking about JD eating food from the kids table but there were others eating from there according to Robin. Sal said that JD was eating some ribs and ended up slamming them down saying that they sucked. JD said that they could have been better.
Howard said that he figures that Artie isn't into Dana that much. Artie said he really is though. Robin asked when they last saw each other. Artie said it's actually been a couple of months. He thought that she was going to show up at Robin's party but he wasn't able to make that happen.
Artie said he wrote a letter to Dana, that was about 5 pages long, and told her that he was willing to give it another shot. He told her not to respond to him if she didn't want to keep it going. She hasn't responded to him in about a week and a half so that's where they stand right now.
Howard said he doesn't understand this whole thing. Dana wants Artie to go see a psychiatrist but Artie won't go. He understands why Dana wants him to go because they may get married and have kids if they do stay together. Artie said she's not looking for someone who will throw money at the situation which his what he would probably do to take care of problems.
Howard said that Artie always sees the disastrous part of his life and he can never get to the bottom of Artie's issues. Artie said he thinks that therapy is a huge scam and he can't bring himself to actually go. He said he knows that it's his old man talking when he thinks that the therapy is a scam but he still can't get past that. He may be scared of taking on the commitment of a relationship too. Robin and Howard told Artie he should just go and maybe that would get his girl back.
Artie said that he just has to get the balls to call the therapist and go. He's heard from some people who have gone to therapy after putting it off and it's really helped them. Howard is one of them. Howard told Artie that he had his therapists name on his desk for 5 years before he called the guy. Artie said he's had this name for almost two years now. Howard said that waiting 5 years probably saved him $200,000 now that he thinks about it.
Robin said she thought that Artie was being very lighthearted at the party and she wasn't sure if she should bring that up there or not. She decided to wait until this morning to bring it up. Artie said he didn't want to lay that whole story on Howard at the party either but Howard didn't mine. Artie had a good time there at the party talking to Howard. Howard said the conversation was great except for Artie turning his head and not looking at him.
Howard asked Artie if he knows if Dana is seeing any other guys. He hasn't heard anything but he's thinking that maybe she is seeing someone. He figures it's pretty easy for her to go out and get laid if she wants to. Artie said that he and Dana went to Howard's birthday party back in January and had sex last in February. That was it and it's kind of been over for a while now. He's been to dinner a few times since then but that's it. He said Dana actually wouldn't have him up to her apartment the last time he dropped her off. He said he was really pissed and thought that maybe her new boyfriend was up there waiting for her.
Artie said that Dana is a wonderful person and he wishes her the best even if things are over. He said it's really sad and he's not in good shape. Artie said he is down now and it's not good. He was a bit hoarse this morning from partying all weekend. He got home last night, watched The Sopranos and then made some noise on his electric guitar. He knows he's just making noise with it though. He doesn't even plug it in. Howard told him to get back into life and take a guitar lesson so he can learn to play that thing.
Artie said he did some stand-up recently and he's got a lot of new material about girlfriends and relationship stuff. Howard asked Artie if he misses the regular poon tang. Artie said ''who wouldn't?'' and also said that he's been doing a lot of ''whack it sessions.''
Howard said that Artie is a mess right now. Artie said there was a scene in the Film Festival montage where a guy was playing him as a homeless guy with needles and coke around him. As he wakes up he says ''Dana, is that you Dana?'' He thought that was kind of funny.
Artie will be going out on tour soon and he's not sure what might happen out there because a lot of hot chicks show up to those shows. Howard asked Artie if he's going to be able to handle the roast they're going to do for him. Artie said he can handle it but he'll be writing material for everyone who roasts him as well. He said it will be a very entertaining roast. Howard has an idea for the Artie Roast but it's kind of mean. He wouldn't say what it was though.
Howard said that Artie is in a bad place right now. That led to Artie talking about last night's episode of The Sopranos because the chick who is playing Christopher's wife, Cara Buono, is the chick who plays his girlfriend in ''Beer League.'' He said that they were doing things in that episode where it looked like something that he and Dana would have been doing. Artie was also saying that she called him recently and asked to come over and see ''Beer League.'' Howard told him he should have her over and see what he can do.
Artie said that they've moved the premiere of ''Beer League'' to September 13th because they can get their trailer in with ''Jackass 2'' so they want to move it back. Now the premiere will be happening on the 13th and the movie opens wide on the 15th of September.
Artie said he's got to call Cara but there is nothing romantic going on there. Howard told him he's got to make that happen. Artie said she did give him a little tongue in their kissing scene in ''Beer League.'' Gary brought in a picture of Cara nude but the picture was 14 years old. Artie said he thinks she has bigger breasts now though.
Artie was saying that another big issue with Dana is the dog. She used to come over to his place every weekend until she got the dog. That was causing problems there and he really doesn't want a dog. Howard said that can be a major issue if he doesn't want the dog. Artie said that she used to tell him that he would have to take her home to take the dog on a walk and he would be really lazy after dropping a load.
Howard asked Artie if he would have a problem with Carmen Electra if she was dating him and she had a dog. Artie said he would have a problem with any chick if she had a dog. He said he doesn't want hair in the room where he eats and watches a game. He was willing to have a house built where they could have the dog live but Howard told him that doesn't work because people want to live with their dogs.
Howard and Fred spent some time talking at Robin's party but Howard said that Fred is like Father of the Year spending so much time with his daughter. He said that his daughter is very cute but also very precocious, just like Fred. Howard heard that Fred's wife was showing pictures of everyone who was going to be at the party and when she showed her the picture of Beth, the kid said she looked like Cinderella.
Artie said he wanted to go down to Atlantic City with his friend but his wife wouldn't let him go. He said that's another issue with marriage. Howard said that a real man would just laugh and leave. Artie said one of the last conversations he had with Dana was about going to the shrink. He said he told her that there's not a chick on this planet who can make him go to a shrink. He said that no fuckin' broad is going to go make him cry at a shrink. Howard told him that's why he was alone at Robin's party this weekend. He and Fred goofed on him a little bit.
Artie was saying that things have been over for about a month and he's been lying to everyone about that. He said that they both agreed that they're officially over now and he's back on the market. Howard said he's found the perfect woman for Artie and put her on the phone. It was Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Artie should move on and not worry about that relationship. She said that life is too short and he should go out and have some fun.
Artie asked that Dana not give them a copy of the letter he sent to her. He said it's a corny letter that every guy has written in his life. Howard told Artie that for every Jennifer Aniston out there, there's an Angelina Jolie waiting.
Fred played a sad song for Artie but it wasn't doing anything for him. Artie said there might be one song that would make him well up if they played it but he wasn't going to say what it was. Fred played a Molly Hatchet song for him but that wasn't the song. Howard said that maybe it's Desperado. Artie said that's a close second on the list but that's not the song. He said that he and Dana went to see The Eagles and it was a good time for them. Artie then said that the actual song that might make him well up is Bruce Springsteen's ''Thunder Road.''
Fred played the song and Howard tried to get Artie to think about Dana to get him to cry. Artie said he remembers the first time he and Dana went out and the first game he went to with her. Howard also had him thinking about the time he made Dana get out of his car to get him cigarettes and she almost walked home over the George Washington Bridge. Howard reminded him of the first time he got dog hair in his mouth while eating.
Howard had Sal on the phone playing a porn clip of a woman asking for a guy to fill her with his load. It was supposed to be Dana calling in. Sal got on and told Artie to shut up and eat a Pop-Tart. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Gary asked Artie if his friend has kids. Artie said that he does have 2 kids so Gary said that's why it's tough to just get up and go.
Howard said that Riley Martin is doing another show tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. He said he likes the way the audience is keeping it cool by asking him real questions and not goofing on the guy. Howard said he usually forgets about Riley's show but he'll remember to listen tonight and may call in to hear it. He started to do his impression of Riley but it wasn't coming to him right away so he said it may take a while to get back into it.
Howard told Robin that her party was very classy and that's what he wanted to tell her earlier. They spent a little more time talking about the party. Howard asked Robin who called her the next day and thanked her for the party. Robin said that Howard called, Fred sent an e-mail... She didn't hear from Gary or Artie. Howard said that those guys have no class but Artie said he was going to see her on Monday morning. Howard told him that she went out of her way to throw a party like that and he should have the courtesy to call her and let her know how great it was.
Artie did send a bottle of Dom to Robin. Richard sent her a ceramic cat and Robin ended up goofing on him about that. She said it was actually pretty crappy. Howard asked where her cats were because they weren't at that house. Robin said that she doesn't bring them to that house. They're too old. Gary said that Sal gave Robin a crappy ceramic dog that Bob Levy actually gave to him to give her.
Gary tried to defend himself for not calling Robin but he and Howard ended up arguing with each other. Gary said he didn't want to bother Robin by calling her so that's why he didn't do it. Howard went off on him calling him an asshole and telling him that they're both equals at Robin's party. Sal was on Gary's office microphone goofing on him so Gary went into his office and slapped him in the head to get him out of his office.
Artie told Robin that her new boat is really nice. He didn't get a chance to go out on the jet ski and that's what he wanted to do. Bobo called in and asked who looked like a beached whale at the party. Howard said that no one had their shirts off because it was a little cool out there. Beth was wearing jeans and a conservative shirt and he knew that she was going to upset some people who wanted to see some skin.
Bobo also asked if there was any karaoke going on there. No one was doing it even though Robin was ready to have them do it. There was so many other things going on that they didn't get into it. Howard said that he and Artie were talking about Dana when this guy came over and told them to ''pick a card'' to do a trick. It was a really bad time to do that but Howard said the guy was actually very good.
Howard read about this 99 year old woman who was the last surviving American woman from the Titanic. She lost her father and a bunch of brothers in the wreck. She just passed away last week. Artie said that he's seen ''Titanic'' a few times lately and it's really got some great special effects in it. Howard interrupted him and said that ''Mission Impossible'' only made $48 million this weekend and the experts are calling it a bomb. He doesn't think that $48 million is a bomb and it will make back the money they spent on it.
The guys talked about how they spent $150 million making that movie and spent an additional $75 million on advertising. Artie thinks that it will make back that money eventually.
A phone caller told Howard that he should bring back Dial-A-Date for Artie because it worked for Fred who ended up marrying the woman he met. Artie said that the break-up is still in it's infancy so he should give him a break. He's still in love with Dana and wants her back so he's going to try to get her back.
Howard asked if Artie saw Pearl Jam on Friday night. Artie missed them and Howard said he wanted to go see them as well but no one told him they were playing in New York City that night.
Howard had a caller on the line asking when Artie's Roast is happening. Right now they're saying it might be on the night of June 8th and they'll be recording it one evening. They're trying to get some big comics to come out for that one so he's still working on it and they may have to change the date.
A phone caller told Howard he saw Mission Impossible III over the weekend and thought it was good. He also brought up the Superman trailer that he thought looked good. Howard said he saw the trailer too but didn't like the way they were cutting to black every few seconds. Howard and the guys spent some time talking about some other movies like ''Derailed'' and another movie where Reese Witherspoon plays a woman who dies and comes back to life. Howard said that movie was horrible but he sat through the whole thing while Beth slept. The movie was ''Just Like Heaven.''
Artie said that he saw ''National Treasure'' and actually liked it. Robin said she had been avoiding that one because she heard it was so horrible. Howard brought up The Sopranos episode form last night and said he loved it. Robin wasn't impressed but Artie liked it. Robin though that a lot of stuff was going to happen in that episode but it never did.
Howard said he resisted his urge to talk to different people every few minutes while he was at the party. He didn't feel that he should have to bring someone else into the conversation like he's done in the past. He doesn't care about doing that anymore. Lisa said that Robin brought her into a conversation.
Lisa said they'll be talking about Robin's party during today's Howard 100 News. She said they'll be talking about who got drunk and who acted up at the party. They'll also be talking to Vinnie Penn who was on Howard's show back on 9/11. They'll also have a new Page 69 segment from Jason and Will on today's news.
Artie said he's got to play in tonight's SIRIUS softball game. He's 45 pounds heavier than he was last summer so he's really out of shape. He's not sure how things are going to go.
Robin brought up her party again and said that Scott DePace's son paid her the biggest compliment when he was leaving. He was crying and said he didn't want to leave. She thought that was a great way to let her know that the party was good. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Howard took a call from Dan the Song Parody Man who was surprised that he didn't get invited to her party. Howard said that Dan does work on the show but he's on the periphery of the show and some people don't want to get stuck in a conversation with him. Robin said that Dan isn't there every day so if she saw him there she may have invited him.
Robin also said that Dan pissed her off when he started lurking around her. That pissed her off. Ronnie came in and said that Dan does that to a lot of people and it really pisses some people off. Robin said that Dan was showing up in every conversation she had in the hall there. She said that one day he was joking around with her in front of Sal to make it seem like he was invited. Howard told Dan that he should just get over it, not everyone could come.
Ronnie said that Mike the Limo Driver was also upset because he wasn't invited. Robin said the party was getting way too big and she couldn't invite everyone. She had to draw the line somewhere. Robin feels bad that she can't have everyone there.
Sal came in and told Dan to talk about how he just said ''fuck her'' in the IM conversation he just had with him. Dan said he does kind of feel that way so Robin asked him why he was on the phone then. Robin said that she wanted to have about 30 or 40 people at the party, over 115 people RSVP'd her. She also said that the way he was trying to get in on the party was really lame. Howard cut everyone off and said he was sorry that Dan wasn't there, he would have loved those long black hairs of his in his dip.
Howard noticed that Sal was shaking really bad and told him he may want to go to the doctor to get that checked out. The guys were wondering if he's got Parkinson's or something. Artie said he looks like Catherine Hepburn accepting an Oscar.
Robin asked if all of these people who are asking for an invite would ever invite her somewhere. Howard said that Chris Booker is like that. He used to call him up asking what he was up to and he'd invite him out. Booker never invited him out anywhere. He said that Booker would call him and tell him how he was at a great event but the guy never thought about inviting him over there. He stopped inviting him out with him because of that.
Sal asked Howard if he was kind of bummed that John Stamos blew off the Film Festival to get a piece of ass. Howard said he wasn't upset, John was in the city at the time, he invited him but said that he didn't have to come. Artie said that he would have blown off the festival if he had a piece of ass like John had. Howard said that John's girl is a super model and he took her down to the Keys. He heard from John who said that this chick didn't want to stop banging him.
Howard also talked about the time he had Rebecca Romijn naked in his apartment. He never laid a hand on her and had to pull Beth out of the bathroom because he knew that it would have gone bad.
Sal was telling Howard that Beth was looking really good at Robin's party. He said he and Beth were eating some small hot dogs so he joked that they were both eating small wieners and Beth just walked away from him. Artie said that he told Sal to just run jokes by him before he does them. He said that Sal asked him if he should pinch Howard's ass at one point and he advised him not to do it. Someone did pinch his ass though. Sal swears he didn't do it.
Howard told Sal he will never socialize with him because of stuff like that. He figures that Sal would have ruined the fun on the boat that he and the other guys were having. Ronnie told Howard that Sal kept coming up and asked him if he'd left yet. Sal said he was just wanting to say goodbye to Howard at the party, that's why he was asking about that. Howard told Sal to get going so he could move on to other stuff.
Howard said he was reading an article about a construction accident down in Florida where some workers fell into some quick drying concrete and were smothered by it. One of the guys said they saw the news report where the firemen were talking about how they had to chisel the guys out of the concrete. Howard said that has to be the worst way to die. He was thinking that dying in a fire would be the worst way but this sounds even worse to him.
Howard played a voice mail that Riley Martin left for Gary recently. In the message Riley was telling Gary that he's trying to juggle his schedule around. Howard goofed on him about that and continued to play the clip. Riley was saying that he'd like for them to advertise his show.
Howard played a bit that the guys created using clips of Blue Iris and Riley Martin to create a sexual meeting between the two.
Jeff the Drunk called and left a message for Artie. He called Artie some names and complained about him joking about his mother. Artie said that he doesn't make fun of Jeff's mother, he's making fun of Jeff. He feels bad for Jeff's mother because she has Jeff.
Howard played a message from Blue Iris where she talks about her 13 pound tumor that's on her ovary. Howard thought that was pretty disgusting.
Richard's father called his son and told him that he found a possum in his barn and he managed not to get bitten by it but their dog did. Robin said that's like the most exciting thing that's going to happen to them out there.
Howard said he got a letter back from the decorator who said that the frames were antiques where they took some old leather from animals from many years ago and put them on the frames. It's like luggage fabric that was recycled. Howard thought the decorator was just telling him that to quiet him down. He was feeling like they were going to bring him bad luck or something. He feels like he's turning into a Pam Anderson PETA type.
Robin told Howard it's okay to keep the frames. She has some elephant tusks because she likes elephants so much. The tusks are old and not taken from elephants that were alive recently. Howard still feels bad about it and now it's become one of his kooky obsessions. Artie told him he is being cuckoo over them. Howard said he doesn't want people sending him e-mail about that because he already knows how nutty he is.
Howard said he knows he's nutty but he's not as nutty as Artie is. Robin was still saying that it's fine for him to keep the frames. Howard doesn't want any mail about that at all because it will drive him nuts. (For those looking to drive him nuts, e-mail Howard at email@example.com).
Howard told the guys that he won't eat beef these days but he does still have leather furniture and things like that. He's not quite as crazy as some of the PETA people.
Howard played a prank call where they had Sal's Uncle Paulie call a pet store asking if they had rabbits so he could cook them up for Easter.
Robin told Howard that she looked some stuff on the web and found that alligators and crocodiles are not on the endangered list but they are being killed off because of the way their habitat is being taken away by housing developments and stuff.
Howard got back to the Gary Garver interview with Betty White. Garver asked Betty about her work and then asked her if she has F-You money. He asked her if it bothers her that people of color were not cast in The Golden Girls show. She said that was a silly thing to get into and knew that he was trying to cause trouble. Garver asked her if she's ever had a lesbian experience. She said that's none of his business. Garver then asked her what she thinks of Howard Stern and she thanked him for the interview and ran off.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought he had an explanation for why Artie turns his head when he's talking to people. He said he may have self esteem issues. Artie said he doesn't realize he's doing it as much as people say he does.
Howard got back to the discussion about the stuff he was throwing out over the weekend. He said he's got a bunch of stuff he refuses to throw out even though he'll never look at them. He has a book about Groucho Marx and some Soupy Sales DVDs that he will never read or look at but he refuses to throw them out.
Artie gave Howard a John Belushi book that he loves but he's never looked at it. He said that someone went into his office and took the book out of there. He didn't know that it was Gary who took it out of there and it still hasn't been given back to him. Gary came in and said that he thought they'd have the book for 2 or 3 days but Howard said it's been gone for 3 months now. Artie said he wrote something personal to Howard in the book and now everyone is looking at it. Gary admitted that it was wrong and said he had no idea it was going to take that long.
Howard said he doesn't want that book back now because he doesn't want people touching his stuff. He asked Gary who gave permission to go in there and take the book. Gary said they had a conversation about it and he thought the book was going to be returned quickly. Howard continued to go off on Gary for a few minutes. They knew that Jim Belushi was coming in 3 months ago and they should have had the research done by now.
Artie thinks that Howard would like the book and it could lead to some interesting discussions on the air. Howard said it's not even about that though. He just wants his book back. Fred was playing a new Baba Booey song parody and Gary said it was just a bad day for him. He had to apologize to Robin earlier, now he has to apologize to Artie for the book thing.
Artie mentioned that he has to play softball tonight and the game isn't until 7pm so he won't get home until like 10 tonight. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard wondered who he was doing that for. Gary said he heard from Sal that he was doing it because Scott wanted him to do it. Richard came in and told Howard that Sal kept asking him what he and Howard talked about while they were out on the boat. Artie said that Sal asked him what they talked about too. Howard said that he and Richard spoke the whole time they were out on the boat too. Howard said that Sal is way obsessed.
Howard had some audio clips to play. The first one was a song that shot up the charts from number 34 to number 1. It's a song by Rhianna. He played the song and said that it's kind of weird because they sampled the song ''Tainted Love'' so they must have to give the royalties to the band that did that song originally. That got Howard talking about Marilyn Manson because he covered ''Tainted Love.'' Howard said he used to love Manson's cover of ''Sweet Dreams.'' He actually played that song when K-Rock switched formats from classic rock to alternative.
Howard played Sal's ''Tainted Teeth'' since that was a cover of ''Tainted Love'' as well. He played some more of Rhianna's song and talked about the time he met her last year when Jay-Z introduced her to him. Howard asked Artie which chick he's going to bang to that song now that he's a bachelor again. Artie just laughed.
Gary said there was a Penthouse chick who was on the show that really liked Artie. Artie couldn't recall who it was but he said that Jennifer Walcott was on the show once and said that he was cut but it was in a condescending way.
Howard played the other Top 5 songs which included songs by T.I., F Crazy Bone, Shaun Paul and Daniel Powter. Artie said that he worked with a chick on a movie one time that he thought was really into him. She was a hot chick and none of the P.A.'s on the movie thought she was into him so he never went after her. He ran into her boyfriend years alter and the guy looked just like him. He figures that she must have been into him .
Gary said that the stuff they get seems so important when they open the mail but then they play it and it sounds awful. Howard said that people plead with them to play their songs but they're usually really bad. Richard came in and told Howard that one of the songs he was playing he didn't think was all that bad. He said this segment was originally called ''Stuff from the Mail'' so it was just anything and everything, not just bad stuff.
Artie said that if they just threw in Mike Walker's fart into any of those songs, they wouldn't be that bad. Richard said they get so much stuff that it's hard to keep track of it all. Howard played a song that didn't sound so bad to him. Richard told him that he never wanted to call this segment ''bad'' because some of the stuff was actually pretty good.
Howard played a few submissions from a band by the name of Chicken Skin Duffel Bag. There was another one which was a wrap song that was actually a pretty good Wrap Up of the stuff that's happened on the show. Howard thought that they could get that guy to do a song each week for what went on. Richard said that they could have that guy do the song for the Friday Show.
There was one song parody about Artie called ''Drop a Load on Artie'' that the guys thought was funny. Another one was about Howard's nose job where they sing about him becoming a ''big jew fag.'' There was also ''Artie Took a Cum Shot.''
Another phone caller said that he's been listening to the show for a long time now and he's still trying to figure out what Robin's talent is because he thinks that she screws up her stories all the time. The guy thinks that Robin could be replaced but Howard thinks the show works great with her on the show.
One caller told Howard he was in a boat by Robin's place over the weekend. He said he wants to come in and get in on a game they're creating where fans get waxed on the air. Howard asked him if he would do it to get in on Artie's roast. He said he would but didn't sound so excited about it.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who defended Robin against that earlier caller. She said that Robin and Howard have a chemistry and it's who she is, not what she does on the show that keeps her on there. Howard said that Jessica has been up to some weird shit lately and she could tell about 10 great stories right now if she came clean. He thinks that Jessica may have given KC a hand job like he was claiming she did.
Shuli came in and said that he thinks it's odd that Jessica has a personal assistant. He heard that Jessica and her assistant are on the outs right now and they're not friend. Howard asked Jessica why she has an assistant because she doesn't really do that much. Jessica said that she was really just her friend. They got into a whole thing after the KC story where she apparently loaned him some money and everything got blown out of proportion.
Howard asked Jessica what she does that she needs an assistant for. Jessica said that yesterday she had a complete beauty day and took her dogs to the dog park. Howard asked her what she'd be doing today. She said that she has to take care of the house. Artie told her that he'd love for her to come out and take care of him now that he's single. Jessica sounded like she'd be willing to do that for him. Artie said he'll be out there on the weekend of the 18 of this month so he'll be around.
Jessica said that she'll have the house all to herself and Artie can sit back and watch a baseball game while she pleases him. Artie said he doesn't need the game but Howard told him to just go with the fantasy because it's like his dream come true to get oral while watching a baseball game. She was saying that he doesn't even have to go to the bathroom to relieve himself. She said that he could just make a mess in the bed and she'll clean it up. She had to do that for Sam Kinison on a few occasions.
Shuli said that Jessica's assistant called and said that she wanted to talk about what happened between her and Jessica but by the time he called her back, she changed her story and didn't want to talk. Jessica said that she has pictures of her in the tub and stuff. Shuli didn't know much but Jessica thought that he might know more than he was giving her. Howard let her know that they knew nothing.
Artie asked Jessica where she's living and he knew the area she was talking about because he lived out there for a while. Jessica told him that if he comes over, she won't even talk if he doesn't want him to. Howard asked him if he could deal with this stuff instead of going to therapy for Dana. Artie said he may have to pay Jessica a visit when he's out there. He told her that she's a good girl and Jessica said she just wants to make everyone on the show happy. Howard said that's one of the benefits of working for Howard 100 or 101, Jessica is there to make everyone happy.
Jessica even told Artie she would get his favorite type of cigars for him so he could smoke while he's there. Jessica said she's always alone out there. Artie asked her if she had any friends who could come over. She said she could order some up for him if he wants. Artie said if the weekend works out for him, he may tell his agent to get him a job out there on the shittiest sitcom he can find. Howard thanked Jessica for calling in and let her go a short time later. Artie told her he loves her as she was getting off the phone. He was also saying that he'd love to bury his face in those huge tits of hers.
King of All Blacks called in and told Artie he's proud of him for finally dumping that bitch of his. Artie said she's no bitch but he did take his advice about not letting any woman make him go to therapy. Howard had to go to break shortly after that.
George said that they will be doing a wrap up of Robin's party on today's news. He gave the same basic rundown that Lisa G gave earlier in the morning. Howard said that Jon Hein has packed on some pounds since moving to SIRIUS. Jon said he's put on about 20 pounds since he started there. He has joined the softball team though so he's hoping to lose some weight. Jon went on to give the guys his show preview. They'll be talking about the Artie and Dana breakup since that was a big part of the show today. That led to Howard playing Artie and Dana's song ''Thunder Road'' and trying to get him to break down and cry. It didn't work.
Howard wrapped up with Jon and George and then had Robin start her news.
Artie got on the floor and started doing some push-ups and he was still going at 15... 16... 17, then he was done. Howard gave him 17 and a half. Artie let out an out of breath ''fuck you'' to Scott. Artie said that he's in the worst shape of his life now. He was out of breath while he was telling the guys how he could do 50 push-ups no problem when he was in school (20 some years ago).
Gary asked Scott if he really spent an hour creating a character in Tiger Woods Golf that looks just like him. Scott said he probably spent 45 minutes on that, it wasn't an hour. Howard was saying that he does push-ups at his gym and has his feet on a ball and has to dip down between two benches he's dangling from.
Sal came in and challenged Gary to a push-up challenge. Sal didn't have any money to put up for the challenge so Artie said he'd put up twenty bucks. Sal said that he's in debt so much that he can't afford to even take the train these days. Sal made some good money in the stock market but that dropped off when the market dropped off. At one point he was making 750,000 a year, that eventually went down to about 40 or 50 grand a year.
Howard had the guys get their push-ups out of the way. Gary went first in the push-up challenge but Sal put his balls in his face. Gary stopped for a few seconds and then went on to do 26 push-ups. Sal said he wasn't going to do any push-ups, he just wanted to put his balls in Gary's face.
Sal did attempt to do some push-ups and managed to do 25. The guys were saying they weren't all that good though. Howard said that Sal's whole belly was shaking after he did the push-ups. They were goofing on his ''gock'' which his where his belly meets his private parts. Sal was in bad shape after that. He said he gets a little dizzy from time to time. Will said that Sal was shaking so much he couldn't even button his shirt.
Gary thinks that Sal did it just to get Howard's attention, he never would have gotten that many done if Howard wasn't there watching. Shuli told him he looked like he was break dancing, doing The Worm, while doing those push-ups. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Howard and Artie were doing their Ted Kennedy impressions during the news after Robin brought up a story about Patrick Kennedy. They kept that up for the rest of Robin's news. Howard wrapped up the show around 11:35am.
Howard said that Bob Levy was sitting in this morning. He gave him some plugs for an appearance he has coming up. You can check them all out at revboblevy.net. Howard went on to say that Bob was giving everyone an update about Artie playing in the SIRIUS softball game yesterday.
Bob said that Artie struck out because the umpire called a strike even though the ball bounced off the plate. That was the end of the game because they had to start another game after that. Artie said he was robbed. There was another play where Artie started going backwards and ended up falling over as he was trying to catch a pop up. He said he thinks his stomach got in his way and he went over. Everyone started laughing when they saw that.
Artie said that he did get one hit during the game. He felt like he had to swing at everything because they were calling strikes on just about anything. He mentioned that there were girls playing in the game but that changes the game. He said that one of the girls playing was actually good.
Jon Hein was playing in the game and did very well according to Artie. Jason was also playing and he wasn't that good but they were just out there to have fun. Will was the coach and wanted to kill Phil Iazetta (Formerly Lance Rodman) who does Howard 100 News and Raw Dog Comedy there at SIRIUS. Artie said that Phil was being a bit of a jerk-off because he was laughing when their girls would miss a hit or something.
Penny Crone was playing in the game and Jon Hein had to push her out of the way to make a play. Artie said that one of their interns was really good but his friend showed up with a microphone and started heckling them. They were actually pretty funny. They had a kid from the other team heckling back at them. Bob said that the final score was 23-2 with the Stern Show losing to the other SIRIUS team. Artie said they had the security guys and everyone they knew who could play on their team.
Will came in and talked about how pissed off he got at Phil. He was also complaining about the way the girls play. Artie said that they had Christine from Superfan Roundtable and she's really hot. Howard said that Artie is single now... Artie said he thinks she's living with some dude. If he was single and couldn't get someone from Superfan Roundtable, he'd be in trouble.
Will described Artie's fall as looking like a giant redwood falling. Someone caught that play on tape so the In Demand guys played it for everyone to see. Artie hadn't seen it and laughed his ass off when he saw it. Howard said that Artie not only falls but also gets hit by the ball. Artie said he wants to use that clip as a promo for his movie ''Beer League.'' Robin told him to send it to ESPN so they can use it on a blooper reel. Artie said the game ended around 8:30 and he had to drive Jason home after that.
Jon Hein came in and said that he thought Artie as hurt when he took that fall but then he just popped up and said he was ready to go.
Howard said the special was dragged out really long. There are people out there who do some kind of deep sea diving without an oxygen tank so they were showing tape of that where a woman drowned doing it. Howard said that even if Blaine is holding his breath, he's a magician and you don't believe that he's actually holding his breath.
Howard said that Blaine was under water for about 7 minutes and tried to go for a world record but he didn't make it that far. Howard said that he got sucked in when he failed. He said that it's still a big hit for Blaine because he got people to watch.
Howard said he'd be impressed if Blaine actually did hold his breath for 7 minutes. Even that is a pretty impressive thing to do, if he actually did it. Howard talked about how hot David Blaine's girlfriend's have been. He had hot chicks watching him during the trick.
Howard played a clip of Blaine getting up and thanking everyone for coming out after the trick. He started to cry while he was making his speech. He told everyone he loves them all as he was being dragged off to the hospital. Howard said the guy was ripped and broad shouldered as he came out of the tank and Beth noticed that. She even went down to see him twice in the past week.
Artie said he wasn't interested in that David Blaine thing. Howard said he'd like to know what the trick is there. He wanted a magician to call in and let them know what was up with it.
King of All Blacks called in and said that he thinks that thing was an illusion last night but some of the stuff Blaine has done in the past is pretty cool. They showed him doing some trick where he chewed glass and King liked that. Howard said he once bought an illusion to do at his Club Bene show. He said they would load up the illusion with pig guts and it looked pretty real when they cut this guy open. It's all just tricking people.
Howard said that Blaine probably got huge ratings last night and he was just trying to make it seem like it was really hard by not making it through the 9 minutes.
Howard said he never notices the make-up on Sal but Beth sure can pick up on it. Artie said he notices it too. Sal came in and told the guys that he doesn't wear make-up, it's cream. He said he has lotion that he puts on his face. He also uses some kind of tinted Jergens cream on his face that gives him the glow that Beth sees. He said he also wears Sephora stuff that blends into his face. Sal said he has raccoon eyes that he wants to cover up so that's why he wears this stuff.
Howard said he was talking to Beth about this stuff and he really can't believe it. Robin said that Sal has been wearing it so much that she's gotten used to it. Bob Levy was goofing on Sal so Sal shot back at him and said he looks like he's ready for the coffin.
Artie said that when he was working at Mad TV they would get zits on their face from wearing make-up. Gary came in and said that Sal sometimes breaks out and his skin starts to look like lizard skin or something. Howard told Sal that blocking up the pores with make-up isn't good for his skin. Sal thinks that when Beth notices him because of his skin, he must be doing something right. Howard told him that Beth is giggling at him though.
Gary asked Sal if any other guy on the show wears make up. Sal thinks that every guy puts cream on his face. None of the guys in the studio put on any kind of cream. Gary said he dries off after his shower, puts some stuff in his hair and that's it. No face cream.
Sal said he used to put some tint on his legs too. Artie started to sing a little bit of Sal's old rap song from when he was a teen so Fred played some of that to goof on him. No one knew who Sal was wearing make-up for but Howard didn't care. He said they had dragged this out long enough so he chased Sal out of the studio.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's a web site out there that shows how Cris Angel does his levitation trick. He said the site is FileCabi.com. The guy was also saying he thinks that Blaine was actually holding his breath in that trick he did last night. Gary came in and said that he left Cris a message to call them back.
Robin wondered how they dragged out that David Blaine thing for two hours. They had a lot of filler during that two hours. Howard changed subjects again and said that New York magazine has called him a very influential entertainer after Time Magazine put him on their 100 list. He played an audio clip where a reporter talked about him being on the New York Magazine list.
Howard got back to the Riley Martin show discussion. He said that great radio is anything that keeps you tuned in and he had to listen to Riley's show. This was his third show on Howard 101 and Howard was afraid that he was going to miss something if he tuned out.
Howard said he has to compliment the audience for asking real questions instead of goofing on Riley. He was going to call in himself and ask a question about the Skreed after doing some research on them on Riley's web site TheComingOfTan.com. Howard started doing his impression of Riley and then played some audio clips from the show. In one clip Riley was talking about the propulsion system of the mother ship and he made it sound legitimate.
Artie said that this is the guy who should have taken over for Howard, not David Lee Roth. Howard continued to play the clip where Riley was describing the propulsion system and Artie was laughing his ass off. Howard said that the guy who works with Riley, Curtis Cooperman, is even better. He asks questions that keep Riley on a roll. Howard played another clip where Curtis asks Riley about the extinction of the dinosaurs and how the aliens are the ones who irradiated all of the dinosaur eggs to clear way for higher life forms.
Riley talks about how the poles of the Earth were changed when the aliens set off massive thermonuclear explosions. Howard took a call from a guy who said he likes how Riley made up the word ''insectillians'' for his show. Howard played more of Riley talking about the dinosaur extinction. Riley says that after 100 years or so after the thermonuclear explosions, the aliens were able to reintroduce the animals that they wanted to keep.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that when he does the really long shows, he loves it. Howard said he can't do a long show today, he has meetings and stuff he needs to get to. Howard said he could do a 10 hour show a day if people would just free him up. Howard said he has listened to his own show and it is funny.
Howard had a bunch of Riley Martin clips but he wasn't sure how much more they could take. Robin said she loves Riley and Artie said that he used to be annoyed by this guy but now he loves him. Howard played another clip where a caller tried to do his Riley Martin impression but it wasn't very good. Howard went into his impression and said he was going to call the show as Riley and claim that he was the real Riley and the one on the air was actually a Skreed.
Howard played another clip where Riley talks about how the aliens smoke weed. The caller who asked him about it claimed he was taking a hit off his bong so Riley just laughed. Gary came in and said that Riley's show is a huge success based on the number of phone calls they get. He said that Tim Sabean was telling him that Riley's show has doubled the number of calls that the best Wrap Up Show got.
Howard played another clip where Riley talks about traveling at the speed of light and what that feels like. As the clip was playing Artie as laughing his ass off. Howard said that this guy has some line of bullshit. Gary told Howard that Riley's show gets 3500-4000 calls an hour and there are some shows on SIRIUS that don't get that many in a week.
Howard said that if Riley's show is a hit, they have to have someone else who could have a hit show. Maybe Elegant Elliot Offen. He had a voice mail that Elliot left where he went off on him because they told Elliot that they didn't want to have him on every day. He told Howard that he's all washed up among other things.
Howard gave Bob Levy a few plugs for his upcoming gigs and then went to commercial break.
Howard talked about the Reese Witherspoon movie he watched over the weekend even though it was so bad. Robin asked Artie what he thought of Mission Impossible III since he saw it yesterday. Artie said he liked it. Robin said that she had some trouble hanging in there with the story but the action sequences were very good. Artie gave credit to JJ Abrams for the action shots but Howard told him that there are so many special effects teams that there is no such thing as just one director anymore.
Artie said that he was on the set of Mystery Men and that was the highest budget film he's ever been on. That movie turned out to be so bad that it doesn't even run on HBO or anything like that. Artie said he still gets checks from that movie so it's running somewhere. Artie said he's like the first thing you see in the movie but he's dead after the first 3 minutes or so. He said that Ben Stiller once told him that because the movie was so bad, he wished that he was killed off in the first 3 minutes.
Howard said that after Lisa's preview he's going to give Beth's final decision on Dancing with the Stars. Robin suggested getting Beth on the phone to talk about it herself so Howard told Gary to line that up.
Lisa said that Howard 100 News did some research on how to write the proper love letter since Artie talked about the letter he sent to Dana recently. Artie said that the letter wasn't really a love letter, it was just a letter about how he wanted to work things out with her. He said it wasn't a desperate plea or anything like that.
Artie said he told Dana that he wanted to live together in a home to try that out. Bob Levy chimed in and said that's a good thing to do before getting married. Howard said that's funny when Bob gives advice on marriage.
Lisa went through the other stories that they'll be covering on Howard 100 News today. They'll be doing a story about the way Fred compiles e-mail for Howard to read. They'll also have details on the softball game that was discussed earlier this morning. On Howard 101 they'll be doing a special about the 24 hour farting show they had on Howard 100 and 101 back on October 6th.
Howard went around the room and asked the guys what they think Beth's final answer will be. First up was Bob who said he thinks she's going to do the show and ruin her relationship with Howard. Howard said that he really loves Beth and he believes that their relationship could survive being apart for 6 weeks. He said he felt that Beth would dump him for David Blaine though. Beth said that even Howard was talking about how good Blaine looked when he came out of that tank.
Howard said that Beth was talking about how great Blaine was and how impressed she was with his stunt. Howard said that it was a trick, it was no big deal. He also thought that Beth went to a David Copperfield show and he tried to pull her out of the audience. Beth denied that story and wanted Howard to move on.
Gary said that he thinks that Beth's answer will be ''no'' because she doesn't care about doing the Dancing with the Stars thing. Robin also thinks that Beth's answer will be ''no'' because she knows that the travel would be very hard. Artie also thinks that it will be ''no'' because of what Howard has said about her recent travels. Howard let Benjy give his thoughts on it and he said he thinks she's going to do it. Fred said he thinks that she should do it even though he doesn't believe it will boost her career, but he doesn't believe she will do it because it will strain the relationship.
Howard said that he will tell them this, the answer is already locked because she has already called the people from Dancing with the Stars and gave them her answer. Howard took a call from Double A who said he thinks she's not going to do it because he's seen the love in her eyes. Bob said that Double A can't see her eyes, he's too short. Howard took another call from a guy who said he doesn't believe that she's going to do the show but Howard does have two other girls to take care of him if Beth does the show... Ralph and Sal.
Beth said that she and Howard are better than ever but her decision had nothing to do with their relationship. Howard said he's glad she said that because people seem to think that he's stopping her from going. Beth said that she will not be doing Dancing with the Stars. She's very busy with her G4 show (''Filter'') and with her SpikeTV show ''Casino Cinema.'' She's been going back and forth for the G4 thing and it's enough travel for her. She doesn't want to fit in the Dancing with the Stars thing at this point in her career. She said that maybe she would do it in the future if she was asked to do it again.
Howard said that Beth is leaving for L.A. on Friday and she's going to be gone for 8 days. She's busy with the G4 show and some stuff she's doing for Gillette. If the show was shot in New York, she would do it. Beth said that they were great and told her that they would have her dance partner in New York so they could just fly in for 2 days out in L.A.
Beth said she was stuck on a plane on the runway for 8 hours last week. She was basically trapped on the plane. She was exhausted from that experience and she'd hate to deal with that every week going back and forth to L.A. if she were to do the show.
Bob Levy said that he'll take that spot on the show if Beth doesn't want it. Beth said that she's very happy with her career and life right now so she doesn't really want to do the show now. It really didn't have to do with her relationship with Howard though.
Artie asked Beth if she would have done the show if she didn't have the G4 or SpikeTV thing. She said she probably would have. That eventually led to the guys talking about how Artie bought Dana a diamond to put in a ring but no setting for her. He was going to propose to her at one point but he backed out and didn't do it. Beth told him that he could probably make things work out if he really tried. Howard told her that Artie is going to go out to L.A. and get a hand job from Jessica Hahn.
Howard said that Dana went up about 50 points in his book when she gave Artie tough love and told him she wasn't going to see him if he didn't go to therapy. Howard said that if he and Beth broke up and she started dating some guy, he'd die. Beth asked what he'd do if she started dating David Blaine. Howard said he'd wish her luck because that guy dumps every hot chick he gets.
Howard said that they have been discussing what they will do in the future and it sounds like they're going to be together for a long time. Gary came in and asked Howard if the house he has in the Hamptons is called ''his house'' or ''our house'' when they discuss it. Howard said they call it ''our house'' so Gary said that Howard used to goof on David Brenner for the same type of thing. That's what they've goofed on Anna Benson about too because she calls everything ''ours'' when she's talking about the money that her husband makes playing baseball.
Howard pointed out that Beth makes a lot of money on her own and she was making it before he met her. He also said that Beth dated guys who made more money than he makes. She's really not after the money. The last guy she dated is retired at the age of 34 and has billions. Levy mumbled ''I'll fuck him...'' when he heard that.
Gary asked Howard if there has been any discussion about Beth's possible exit and what she might be entitled to. Beth said that they never go there. Artie had a story to tell but he was afraid it was libelous so he didn't want to tell the story.
Gary said that Howard never comes in and complains about Beth. She never does anything wrong. Robin said that's because he's never given her the ultimate gift of marriage. Beth said she feels that they're already married. Robin said that they're still on ''party manners'' that's why things are still good with them. Robin said that she and Mr. X aren't in that space anymore but they don't really have issues.
Beth said that she can thank Mr. X for the bruises she has on her legs. Howard said that he heard about this but was told not to bring it up on the air. He heard that Mr. X and Don Buchwald decided to pretend to throw her in Robin's hot tub and she ended up getting hurt. Howard said that he was really pissed when he heard about this too. Mr. X and Don squeezed her ribs and really hurt her. He said he turned around at one point and saw Beth on the ground. Robin didn't see exactly what happened, neither did Howard.
Fred said that there's something about Beth that turns people nuts. He said that guys just shouldn't do that. Howard said he thinks it has something to do with him because weird shit just happens.
Beth asked if she could talk about this bulldog thing that she wanted to talk about. Howard said that there was this kid who was mauled by 3 dogs recently and one of the dogs in the pack was a bulldog. The rottweiler did the mauling but all three have been sentenced to death. Howard said that there's a woman who wants to adopt the 1 year old dog because she doesn't believe that the bulldog had anything to do with the mauling. Beth said that she didn't see what happened but it sounds like the dog has no rights.
Howard read an article about the attack and how it was the rottweiler that had to be pulled off of this 4 year old kid. Howard said he feels really bad for the 4 year old kid. Beth said that bulldogs are so mellow that she finds it hard to believe that it was part of an attack. Howard said this woman who wants to adopt the dog is a saint and he believes what she says and she believes that the dog is not a threat.
Howard told Artie that a dog needs people. He said that Dana could go over to hang with the dog in this den part of the house. That led to the guys talking about his relationship with Dana and how much of a problem all of that could be. Artie said he doesn't want a dog shedding and drooling all over the main part of his house. He said that if the dog was outside, he would go out and throw the ball around but he doesn't want the dog in his living area.
Howard said that Dana could have gone to Artie and asked him about getting the dog before she got it. Artie said that he had to defend her there because she got the dog after they were just dating for a short time. He remembers telling her to move to a place where she could get a dog and just get one. He kind of pushed her into getting the dog so it's kind of his fault.
Howard told Artie that he might have problems if he ever has kids some day. His wife will be paying attention to the kids and putting him on the back burner so he may have issues with that. Howard told Artie that he really should go see a shrink because this could have something to do more with wanting his woman all to himself. Artie said he loves kids and really likes to hold them and stuff like that. It's the dog that scheeves him out.
Artie said that he doesn't believe that he would act that way with his own kid. He said that if he had a son or daughter, they could do anything and there's nothing he wouldn't do for them. Fred said that taking care of a dog is a good way to break someone in for taking care of a kid. Fred told him that if he can't handle a dog, he may not be able to handle a kid when it's crying in the other room while the Yankees are playing.
Artie said that he would love to have a baby and dogs are completely different. Gary came in and said that Scott DePace told him that he left his 2 year old with Artie for 2 minutes and when he came back, Artie looked very uncomfortable holding him. Artie said that's because it was Scott's kid, not his own. He thinks that he would treat his kid the way it should be treated.
Howard asked Artie if he would be willing to give up drinking for his kid. Artie said absolutely so everyone told him that he should give up drinking now so he can get back together with Dana and have that kid he wants. Artie said it's not the drinking that's the problem right now.
Howard asked Artie what he would do if his kid turned out to be a homo. Artie said that they shouldn't even go there. He also said that if it was his kid, he would accept that. Gary asked him if he would let his gay son make out with his boyfriend in his house. Artie said he would but he'd be in the kitchen with his head in the oven. Howard told Artie that it's over for him and Dana as Fred played Taps.
Artie told Beth to go do Dancing with the Stars with David Blaine as her partner. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that the caller who said he saw Dana out with a couple of firemen was telling the truth. Artie said it's possible but he's not sure what Dana wants on the air. Artie was also saying that if things are done, they're going to see a lot of hot, fake titted whores walking through that door.
Beth told Artie that he's a very special guy and Dana is really great. Artie said that she loved all of them too and it's really sad to him. He said that she's a really great person but he doesn't want Howard calling her for him. He said that if he does start going to the shrink and calls her in a month, she might be dating the whole fire department by then.
Artie said that maybe Dana never got the letter that he sent to her. Beth said that she's sure that she got it... but she's not positive because she hasn't heard from Dana herself. Gary thinks that Dana got the letter and that's why she's not calling him back.
Howard let Beth go a short time later and said that he would look into this whole thing a little more. Fred played Sting's ''If You Love Someone, Set Them Free'' for Artie which he didn't appreciate too much. Howard mentioned that the Rappin Granny was coming in next to ride the Sybian.
Howard talked more about Beth turning down the Dancing with the Stars show and how he really would have liked to have seen her on there. He said he gets offered a bunch of cool stuff that he has to turn down. He said that he just had a really cool offer recently but he had to turn it down because it would have taken too much attention away from the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Dana is picking a dog over Artie and that's pretty nuts. Howard that Artie didn't help by telling her to go out and get a dog though. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about Artie and Dana's relationship. Howard asked Artie if he ever thinks that he'll go to therapy. Artie said he's still staring at the piece of paper with the shrink's number on it. He's been doing that for 2 years now. Howard stared at that number for 5 years before he finally made the call.
Howard told Artie that he went on a celebrity match web site and ended up with Glenn Close. The other guys on the show had some odd picks as well. Gary said he was hooked up with Sheryl Swoops and he still can't figure that one out. Mike Gange also got Glenn Close. Jason Kaplan got Kirsten Dunst. JD got matched up with Emma Thompson on that web site.
Howard had JD come in so he could talk about a conversation he had with him. He said that when JD came there he didn't drink. Now he drinks and he gave him some advice about not drinking too much when he goes out. He told JD that he can have a drink or two and not get completely plastered. He didn't want Bob making fun of this kid because he was serious about this.
JD said that he will take it easy from now on. JD thanked Robin for inviting him to her party, he had a good time. Artie told him that before he knows it, he's going to be 38 years old and everyone will be telling him that he needs help.
Gary came in and told Howard that Sal and Richard are out in the hall fighting about what they can do when Rappin' Granny comes in to ride the Sybian. The guys came in a short time later and said that they were wondering if they could make out with her or put her panties in their mouth or something like that. Artie said that he's thinking that they'd probably make out with each other. Sal said that would never happen but Richard was ready to do it for $1,000. Richard said that to blow Sal, he'd need something in the millions. He said that Sal's balls would be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Howard had to wrap up with that because he had to take a break. He gave Bob Levy another plug and went to commercial.
Howard brought up Barry Bonds and how people are really hating him these days. That led to the guys talking about using steroids and why Bonds is trouble. He's always been an asshole according to Artie and Bob so that doesn't help things out.
Howard and Robin were talking about President Bush and how he was talking about his best moment as President was when he caught a fish one time. Howard said the guy is a public relations nightmare when he talks about stuff like that.
The guys were going back and forth about the Barry Bonds story. Howard said he'd like to see steroids available for all players to even out the playing field. He was just joking and said that the steroids can really mess people up and they should be banned from the game for good.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show is really gay these days with Richard and Sal offering to do gay stuff. The guy went really nuts when Howard told him he was going to turn to OutQ (the gay channel) to see if they were more or less gay than that channel. He tuned in and it was a little gayer than what they were doing on their show. Robin pointed out that it stays gay over at OutQ.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's not looking forward to Rappin Granny on the Sybian. Howard said he's kind of curious about seeing that though. He had the guys bring her in.
Granny said that she met a man years ago and the guy wanted her to give him oral but she had no desire to do that. Howard asked her if she ever kissed her husband's penis. She said he never asked her to do that. Howard told Granny that she was going to be riding this machine today that's supposed to get her excited.
Howard asked Granny if she knows where her clitoris is. She said she has an idea but she didn't seem to be sure. She really had no idea where it was. She thought it was where the baby came out of. Howard told her that it's the little button thing on top of her ''vagine'' that you touch and it feels good. She said she's never touched hers. She was never taught what to do with that. Howard asked Granny if her husband ever kissed her down there. She said they only kissed on the lips.
Granny said that her first husband ran around on her for years but her second husband was a great man. He never kissed her down below though. She said no man ever did that to her. She said she's very clean down there and sprays deodorizer down there after cleaning up.
Granny said that she has had an orgasm in her life but she was always told to just lay on her back when she had sex. She's never done it doggy style. She said she would go into shock if she did it that way. Granny said that she did watch some porn in her life though.
Granny asked the guys if she looks good for her age. Artie asked if she's 180... She didn't answer. Howard asked if she was being forced to ride this thing. She said she wasn't so Howard was going to have her sit on the Sybian. He ended up talking to her about how babies are created and she wasn't even clear on that. She wasn't sure exactly how things work. Howard asked her if she knew what sperm was and what it does. She kind of knew but didn't seem clear on exactly what goes on with the sperm and egg.
Howard asked Granny if her husband ever gave her anal sex. She was unclear about that as well. She thought it was just a way for a guy to go into a woman with his penis. She thought it was going in through the vagina. Howard told her that it was going in through the behind. Granny said that she'd have trouble if that ever happened to her. She said she's never had anything like that. She had no idea what a golden shower was either. She said that she would pass out if she ever had anything like that happen to her.
Howard had Granny get ready to ride the Sybian and asked if she was going to be able to even get on the thing. The guys had to show her what to sit on and where to make things fit. She thought that part of it was going up her rectum. Howard told her to let them know exactly what she was feeling. Gary told Howard that she wrote a song about the Sybian as well but Howard told her to hold off on that until after the ride.
Howard had Gary start Granny out at about 10 percent. Gary turned it on at 10 percent and then Howard had Gary turn up the vibration a little bit. Granny said that it was doing something to her and she felt like she had to do something else. Artie said that this is the one time that the fans won't get mad at them for talking during a Sybian ride.
Bob Levy told her to ride it out even though she was having some trouble feeling things. She said that her legs were getting very hot. She was kind of feeling it on her vagina. She didn't even know that she was supposed to be able to have an orgasm on the thing. Gary turned the machine up and Granny finally started feeling things. She said that it felt like a man. Artie said that he's afraid that she's going to turn into the ''Crappin Granny.''
Granny asked Gary to give her more and said that it was feeling really good. She said it was terrific but she was afraid that she was going to urinate from it. Howard told her it's probably not urine, she's probably just getting hot. Granny sounded like she was really into it but some of the guys were laughing at her which she didn't seem to like.
Howard asked Granny if she had an orgasm yet. She claimed that she did so Howard had Gary turn off the Sybian. She was having trouble getting off the machine so Bob said that she looked like David Blaine as he was being pulled out of the tank last night... Her lips were blue.
Granny said that's the first time she's ever felt anything like that. They had to bring her over to the couch so she could recover from the ride. It was too much for her to handle at that stage of her life. She claims that this may have been her first orgasm because she never had one with her husband. She said she felt like taking a nap after the ride. Howard said she's just like a guy because he likes to sleep after sex.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that this may have been the best Sybian ride yet. Howard took a call from a guy who said he wasn't grossed out by that segment at all. Granny told Howard that she's turning 84 in August so it's too late in her life to start doing stuff like this. She'd rather have a man.
Howard told Granny to go ahead and perform the song that she wanted to perform for them. She read her notes and did more of a poetry read than a song. There was no music playing. Howard wrapped up with Granny and gave her a plug. You can book her for gigs by e-mailing her at FrutyNutcake@yahoo.com. Howard went to break after that.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who said that she's afraid that people are going to put a hit out on her if she gives Artie that ''Hahn job'' she offered him yesterday. Howard said that Artie and Dana are broken up right now so it won't be a problem. No one will be putting out a hit on her. She just wants to comfort Artie.
Artie said he'll be out in Los Angeles on May 18th and 19th doing The Best Damn Sports Show so he'll be in Jessica's area. She said that he can just call her if he wants to. She figures that he just wants to be comforted and that's what she'll do for him. Artie said he would see her if he has the time when he's out there.
Artie said that he might have other chicks who would show up if he announced he was going to certain areas. He shouldn't have any problem finding someone to bang if he needs to. Artie said that if it's official that he's single in June when he goes out to Vegas for the Las Vegas Film Festival, he'll be having a lot of fun out there.
Jessica said that he shouldn't worry about his weight either because there are some women out there who don't care about that stuff. Howard asked Artie if he will wear a shirt when Jessica gives him a hand job. He said that he probably would wear a shirt to cover up. Howard asked Jess if she would be topless when she does this but Jess said that she's not saying that she's going to give him a hand job, she's just going to comfort him. She's still with her boyfriend after all.
Gay Ramone called in and said that he would jerk him off the next time he's in Reading, PA. Artie thanked him for that.
Howard played a voice mail from Crazy Alice who went off on a guy who called Dana some names. She said she doesn't know what Dana saw in Artie but she's a very beautiful woman. Howard also played a new song parody about Artie that Dan the Song Parody Man wrote and performed. Howard said that's the last time he hires Dan to work at his gigs.
Howard had a new prank call that Richard Christy made to a black preacher's cable access show. Richard asked the guy why black guys have such big peckers. The guy didn't really answer him though. Then someone took Howard's voice and called in and had him asking the preacher if he enjoys anal sex. They hit the show a third time with some Crazy Alice audio clips.
Howard said that the Torres part of his name always confused him but he read that his father actually took the name on to get into the country because they weren't letting Chinese into the country at the time. Gary came in and said that he read that Ben once won a bunch of money and prizes on ''Wheel of Fortune'' one time. Ben was surprised that they knew all of this stuff but Gary said he found that little tid bit on his web site.
Ben is now writing for the San Francisco Chronicle but he doesn't make a lot of money doing the freelance work. He said he can make money by mentioning his book on The Howard Stern Show though.
Howard asked Ben if he's ever made love to a celebrity. Ben said that he did do a famous singer but he's not going to name the woman. Howard and the guys were guessing who it was but Ben would not reveal who the woman was.
Howard had George Flowers come in to give them a Howard 100 News preview. George said they'll be talking about Rappin Granny's Sybian ride on the news today. He also went through the list of things that Lisa G mentioned earlier this morning.
Jon Hein also came in to give his rundown of the Wrap Up Show that was coming up right after Howard's show. They'll be talking about Granny's Sybian Ride, Artie and Dana's relationship and Beth's announcement that she won't be doing Dancing with the Stars.
Gary came in with one of Ben's books and read an excerpt from the book where he said he spent some time with a very sexual Linda Ronstadt so he was assuming that was the woman he was talking about earlier. Ben said that wasn't he case though and he wasn't going to say that he slept with her. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that even after he made it big in Philly, the company still didn't want to let him go to Los Angeles because they didn't think the show would work out there. He had to threaten to not renew his contract with the company before they'd allow it. He said that he had traveled the country and knew that the show would work everywhere. He said that people are the same all over the country.
Howard said that now Whoopi Goldberg is getting a syndicated radio show and she hasn't even proven herself yet. He said he helped create a radio industry and yet they piss on him for all that he's done for them. Robin said that they're reacting to Howard Stern leaving terrestrial radio by trying to hire superstars like Whoopi Goldberg. They even mention Howard's name when talking about why they're hiring stars like that because Howard is no longer around.
Howard was going to play some audio of a report where a couple of people were talking about how satellite radio should be censored just like regular radio. One of the guys on the program called Opie and Anthony ''Opus and Andy'' which was kind of funny.
Howard moved on to read some e-mail. The first one was about Howard cursing too much on the air. Howard said he knows that he's gone a little overboard because he has gotten caught up in the freedom they have there. His self-imposed cursing ban seems to have disappeared.
Howard said that some people want to see Penny Crone on Meet the Shrink after her meltdown last week. One writer asked Howard to please take Fridays off because he's just got too many shows to catch up on. There were others who were upset about Artie and Dana's breakup. Howard read through some other mail about Artie and Dana's relationship and how Artie blew it with her for not putting up with Dana's dog. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Gary came in during the news and told Howard that Riley Martin's show got over 12,000 attempts to call in last night. That means that the show is a big hit. He said that Howard's show gets hundreds of thousands of calls but for a 1 hour show, Riley is doing good. Howard did a little bit of his Riley impression and goofed on him for a short time.
Howard was surprised to read that Ned, from Bubba the Love Sponges show, is married with 2 children. He read something from SternFanNetwork.com where Ned talks about his wife who has throat cancer and speaks through a voice box.
Howard asked that the people from AARP to please stop sending him stuff. He's a young man and doesn't need to be reminded of his age ever 5 minutes. He said that his girlfriend is pretty young and getting stuff from AARP doesn't exactly turn her on.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am after giving everyone plugs for their various stuff.
Howard said he did Artie a favor and had his American Idol discussion with Gary off the air before the show. He then mentioned the time and said that it could be wrong if people are listening later in the day when they rerun the show.
Robin asked Howard what he thought of American Idol last night. He spent a couple of minutes talking about the Elvis songs that the people were performing on the show last night and how bad that was.
Howard said that he wanted to address something. There's a story running about how he wants to go to terrestrial radio that's just not true. He said it is true that three companies have offered him the chance to go back to terrestrial radio but that doesn't mean he wants it. That would be a big sell-out in his opinion and he has no desire to go back there. He said he's not in the same position as Opie and Anthony and they'd be the first to tell you that they had 35,000 listener when they were charging an extra dollar to hear their show on XM.
Howard said that he loves the freedom on satellite and he can't imagine for a minute saying to his audience that he's going to offer the show for free after millions followed him to satellite. Robin also said that they'd have to shackle themselves if they went back there. Howard has heard that radio has been getting lamer and lamer and taking a step backwards.
Howard doesn't care about Opie and Anthony, Rover, Mancow... any of them. He doesn't want to think about having someone like Tom Chiusano walking in every day to tell him what he can't say on the air. When Howard mentioned the deals he was offered, he was just telling the fans about what he was offered. He's not going back there.
Artie said that being on satellite is the one thing in his life that's not a disaster right now. He said he can go to sleep and not worry about what he can and can't say on the air. Robin said that there were some people at her party who are still at K-Rock who were worried because they're working with Opie and Anthony. Robin said that she told them that they just don't care about that anymore.
Howard said he could play about 7,000 news reports about this whole thing. There's nothing going on there though. He said that 3 companies have come to him and offered him a job on terrestrial radio but he's not going to take any of those deals. SIRIUS is the place he wants to be, that's it. His hard core listeners would think that he's the biggest piece of shit if he went back to free radio. He said he'd be the biggest sell-out if he did something like that.
Howard said he thinks that SIRIUS is the best deal out there and he's backing that fully. Artie talked about some of the great stuff he was listening to on SIRIUS on his way down to Robin's house on Saturday. Howard said he was listening to some great stuff as well.
Howard said that he's not going to two different shows where he does a clean one and a dirty one, that's just gay. He has an audience who pays to hear his show and he's not going to water that down. Robin said that when Whoopi Goldberg was hired by Clear Channel, they're still mentioning Howard's name. None of the guys think that her show is going to go anywhere. On the other hand, Howard wished her well.
Howard played some audio clips from shows where people were discussing these deals that he's been offered. There are a lot of people who think he's going back but he never said he was. One guy was saying that Howard saw the Opie and Anthony deal and he's trying to get the same thing. Howard said that deal is lame because they're doing a clean show for 3 hours and then going to XM and doing 2 hours of their regular show.
Howard said ''I will never go to terrestrial radio.'' as he was playing the audio clips. He played another clip of Dorothy Lucy talking about how going to satellite was a bad idea for Howard. Howard said he wants to call into one of these shows to straighten them out. He went off on her for a short time and said that just because he was offered something doesn't mean he wants it. Howard said that ''Dorothy Lucy is retarded'' and said that you can quote him on that.
Howard has been on satellite for less than 6 months now and they're still talking about him everywhere. Dorothy Lucy said that Howard had said that he was planning on taking his show to regular radio but he never said that. Howard said that terrestrial radio is his past, he's moving on and SIRIUS is his focus now. His only ambition right now is to help make SIRIUS successful.
Howard said that he's offering his fans 2 channels of content and that's it. He continued to play the Dorothy Lucy audio clip and she was saying that it's driving him crazy being on SIRIUS. Howard asked why these people just don't ask him about that before reporting on stuff like that.
Howard said he has zero interest in selling his show to terrestrial radio. SIRIUS has zero interest in doing that and he would not sell his audience out by going back there. He said that he promised his fans that he's going to offer a great, uncensored show and that's what he's doing. It is true that he's had offers from 3 major companies to go back to terrestrial but it's not happening.
Howard played a report from a TV station in Tampa where they were reporting that he's coming back to terrestrial. That's just not true.
Howard said that yesterday he played a clip of the head of the NAB who was saying that satellite radio has to be covered by the FCC. Howard said that the NAB used to keep FM radio out of their organization but they eventually let them in. He thinks that the NAB will eventually let satellite radio companies in there as well. He said that they can all suck his dick as far as he's concerned.
Howard continued to play the Tampa clip where one of the reporters said that Howard is always making some kind of deal as if it was a problem. Howard said that's show business, he gets offers all the time. Howard wondered if he should care this much about this stuff or if he should move on. Robin said that he should counter this stuff because it could make some people think that they should hold off on getting satellite radios.
Howard said that the WB 11 station in New York was apparently one of the first stations to go with this story. He wanted to go back to them to get the story out there that he's not going back. Gary suggested that they go to the Associated Press to get the word out that he has no plans to go back to terrestrial. He does want to talk to a reporter but Gary told him they may not be able to get a reporter this early in the morning. Howard told him not to tell him his problems, just make it happen.
Howard goofed on Gary for a short time and said he didn't want to get stuck in Gary's thought process. Fred played a ''Sanford and Son'' Baba Booey song parody as he was goofing on Gary.
Howard said that he was reading a story about the Time 100 Party that was held last night and no one good showed up. He read the story, from Lloyd Grove's column, where he talked about the people that did show up to the event. Howard was invited but he threw out his invitation. Sean ''Puffy'' Combs was there and commented on the lamb dinner he had. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were there but Howard was pretty sure they weren't even on the list. Condoleza Rice was there as well. Howard said that it looks like there were some decent guests there.
Artie pointed out that Page Six gave him a bit of a dig when they mentioned that it would have been tough to seat Howard next to anyone at that party. Howard said they don't have to worry about that because he wouldn't show up to a lame thing like that.
Gary told Howard that the AP passed on the story so he's going to call another service. The guy's supervisor didn't want the guy going on the air with Howard. Gary said that he may go to Reuters, FOX or someone like that. Howard was thinking about going to Reuters because he needs someone big to get his statement out there.
Howard was getting tired and wasn't as fired up as he was about the story. Robin told him to play more audio clips to get him riled up again. Howard played another news report about him going back to terrestrial and it worked. One woman was saying that Howard's show would be put on terrestrial radio after being edited.
Joey Boots called in and told Howard that the Howard 100 News should take the statement and spread the news for him. Howard said that they won't do that though because they want the story for their own news. Artie said that they're already reporting it on Howard's show so that doesn't really work. Howard told Boots that maybe he should tell his friends and they'll tell more friends and they can spread the story that way.
Howard asked Boots how his life is going now that he's not drinking. Boots said that it's going great right now and he's very happy.
Artie went into his Jeff the Drunk impression and Fred did his Crackhead Bob impression. Eric told Howard that it's annoying and infantile to make fun of his voice. Howard said that he should now understand the show then. It's infantile. Howard told Eric he needs to have a sense of humor about that stuff.
Eric told Howard he doesn't want to be associated with the Wack Pack either. Howard said he fits every criteria because he has a funny voice and he lives with his mother. Eric said he no longer lives with his mother so that's not true. Howard told Eric he's being silly, it's a radio show, it's supposed to be fun. Eric asked how many other Wack Packers have graduated school with high GPA. Howard didn't seem to think that made much of a difference.
Howard told Eric that the thing that puts him in the Wack Pack is that he has voted for people on American Idol 900 times. It's his personality and the funny things that he says. Howard said that normal people don't do that and they don't call the show and demand that they introduce them to Carrie Underwood. Artie said that if they got him a blow job from Carmen Electra, he'd complain that she didn't play with his nuts.
Artie told him that he's more of a wack packer than the guy who made up the word ''skreed'' (Riley Martin). He also said that his voice puts him right in the Wack Pack. Howard loves that Eric can't even keep himself off the show after banning himself.
Howard asked Eric what it was that made him call back in. Eric said that he was still coming up with topics and wanted to be able to finally call back in. He said that they were still having him as part of the show even when he wasn't calling in. Howard said he's kind of like a rape victim just giving in.
Howard told Eric that he's no longer in the Wack Pack which seemed to make Eric happy. Howard told him he will no longer have VIP passes to any events or anything like that. He no longer has any special phone lines to call or anything like that. He's no longer Eric the Midget, he's just plain old Eric.
Eric said that he would like to be their West Coast correspondent and report on stuff for them. He asked Howard if he's going to send one of his staff to the finale of ''Survivor.'' Howard said he's not going to do that. Eric said he would like to go to the finale of ''American Idol'' and report for them. It turns out that he was trying to get tickets to the event and no one was able to get him in. Robin said that appears to be the reason that Eric was calling in today.
Howard accidentally put Gary the Retard on the line. Gary was saying that he doesn't want Eric in the Wack Pack. Howard hung up on Eric by accident so he had to pretend to be Eric arguing with Gary the Retard. Artie started calling Gary a retard which got him all riled up.
Eric the Midget was back on the line but Gary the Retard was off when he put Eric on. He got pissed when he wasn't able to put them both on at the same time. Artie said that right now Gary is yelling into a blender.
Robin and Artie were saying that Eric is just trying to get tickets to the American Idol finale by calling in. They were kind of bummed out that it was the only reason he was calling in. Howard got Gary back on the line and then had Eric pitch his idea to Gary the Retard. He was going to let Gary make the decision about whether or not to give him a job. Gary was saying that maybe they could have the two of them fly to New York to argue on the air.
Howard said he can't trust Eric when he does stuff like this. Gary told Eric to speak up and called him a ''motherfucker.'' Robin told Eric that they would only send a Wack Packer to the American Idol finale. Howard was telling Gary the Retard that he could hook him up with tickets instead of sending Eric. Gary had no idea what American Idol was but Howard said he was going to send him. He even told Eric that he's the one who will make all of the plans for Gary to go down there.
Gary (Baba Booey) told Howard that all of the news sources have passed on talking to Howard on the air. The only one to accept was CBS national news. Howard let Eric go and called him ''Eric the Person'' as he was letting him go. Howard said he just wanted to talk to a reporter on the air, not have a camera down there. He told Gary to forget the whole thing, he doesn't want a camera crew down there. He wondered what happened to journalists who would do anything for a story. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard told Larry that he used to have 22 minutes of commercials per hour on terrestrial radio and he has no desire to go back to that type of radio. He told Larry that it would be a kick in the pants to the people who pay to hear his uncensored show. He's thrilled to be there and the spin should be that terrestrial radio is begging him to come back. Three companies have come to him and offered to put him back on.
Larry said that one reason he could go back is to slap Opie and Anthony around a bit. Howard said he doesn't need to do that though. He pointed out that they're doing that to show that they're still alive. He was also saying that he managed to bring over about 3.5 million of his fans to SIRIUS and that's unheard of. Terrestrial radio is the same old boring crap that it has been for the past few years.
Howard said that when he reported that he was offered the chance to go back, he was just letting his fans know what was going on with him. He said there is no turning back now. Being on satellite radio is great because it's not interrupted by endless commercials. No one is hitting the button on his show anymore. Larry knows the show so he mentioned Dead Air Dave's name as they were talking about the button hitting. Larry told Howard that they'll get the story out there for him today. Howard let him go after that.
Steve said that the demographics that he show has are what's the network is looking for and the show doesn't have the right demographics for The WB. Steve said that the WB was trying to get a broader audience by putting shows on for older people and it didn't work for them.
Howard asked if The Apprentice is still a hit. Steve said it still gets ratings but they moved it to Monday night and it's a very competitive night. Howard said he's never actually seen the show. Steve explained to Howard what they did this past week by pushing products in their challenges. The Outback paid a lot of money to have their product featured on the show.
Howard asked if The View is still a hit. Steve said he's heard a lot of things about that show and Star Jones is coming across as a bit of a phony after losing the weight the way she did and things like that. The show is still a bit of a hit though. Howard said he heard that Rosie O'Donnell's show only had about 2.5 million viewers. Steve said that's not true, she had a lot of listeners and actually had more when she left the air than Ellen's show does now.
Robin asked about Tyra Banks show. Steve said that the show does well enough that it makes money so it stays on the air. Howard asked if Smallville is still a hit. Steve said that it does help the WB with ratings so, yes, it is considered a hit on that network. ''Lost'' and ''Desperate Housewives'' are still hits although they've both dropped off a bit. ''The Sopranos'' is still a hit but it's dropped off quite a bit because people are watching it in many different ways now.
Robin asked about ''Survivor'' which is still a hit according to Steve. Artie asked about ''My Name is Earl'' because he thinks that it's not as big of a hit as NBC makes it out to be. Steve said that NBC is doing okay with the show but it's not as big as NBC's old Thursday night shows were. About 11 million people watch that and 9-10 stick with ''The Office'' after that show. Howard pointed out that Lost is being put up against American Idol for the season finale. Steve said that Lost did very well last year when they did the same thing. He said that a lot of people are using new technology like TiVo and other things to watch the shows when they want even when they're both on at the same time. Howard thanked Steve for calling in and let him go a short time later.
Lisa said that they're going to explore how you become a member of the Wack Pack today since Eric the Midget was on earlier this morning. Howard said that the people have to have a weird voice, they have to do wacky things. Eric fits both of those. Lisa said that they'll be talking about Artie's upcoming movie ''Beer League'' and also about some of the staff members who have the shakes. Sal and Scott DePace both shake quite a bit. They're going to look deeper into that. Lisa also got in a plug for tonight's ''The Intern Show'' which airs at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard asked the guy if he's ever met a Jew. The guy said he never has. The guy said he has met black people though, there are a lot of them out there. Howard said there was a movement to rename that state ''Neblackska'' at one time. Robin said that was Howard who was behind that movement. He went into his Mama Lookabooboday character a little bit and the caller told him he loves his Riley Martin impression. He did a little bit of that impression for the guy as well.
Howard played Dan the Song Parody Man's ''Dumped by a Jersey Girl'' song parody about Artie as the caller was getting off the line. Howard said that's quite an epic song. Artie made sure that he let everyone know that he didn't write the song and he doesn't know if Dana is dating anyone.
Howard said he had a dream about Beth being with some other dude last night and it was a nightmare for him. He said he can't imagine her being with anyone else.
Howard got a lot of mail about the Rappin Granny segment yesterday and people are all over the place on that one. He wanted to read the mail but he wasn't able to find it. He played some audio of Granny on the Sybian from yesterday where she was begging for more as she was on it. Fred said that the sickest thing about it was that she was holding her cane as she was riding that thing. Howard said that she wasn't able to walk after she got off of the machine. The In Demand guys showed some video of her riding the thing and the guys got a few laughs out of that.
Jason brought in the mail about Rappin Granny so Howard went through that. Some people were disturbed by her riding the thing and others thought it was great. One person pointed out that Bubba will only bring in hot chicks to crazy stuff on his show.
Howard mentioned that the whole Film Festival is up on Howard TV ON Demand now and it's 2 and a half hours long. He had to take a break after that.
Howard wondered what happened to David Lee Roth after CBS fired him. Artie said he heard that Roth is preparing a new music tour but he's going to be performing country songs. Artie said he seems to be jumping all kinds of sharks these days.
Howard brought up the time he was going to run for governor. He said he had a few things on his campaign where he wanted to use burned up criminals as filler for potholes. He was also for the death penalty back then but these days he's starting to think that it's just not right. He was reading a story about someone out in Michigan who spent 17 years in prison for something he didn't do. He died in prison and it turns out he didn't commit the crime. He said that poor guy had to sit in jail every day knowing that he didn't commit the crime.
Howard said that the guy was accused of raping and killing a 16 year old girl. He said that if he thought that he was guilty, he'd probably vote for the death penalty in that case. These days people can just make claims and people believe them. He used CBS' lawsuit against him as an example. Howard said that he's for the death penalty in certain situations but wit this guy he's against it.
Howard said that he would kill Osama Bin Laden for what he's done but other criminals are questionable unless you know for sure that they're guilty.
Howard read the article that was in today's paper about the dog that was saved. The two other dogs have already been put to sleep because of what happened. The family is upset about the dog being saved to possibly hurt another child in the future.
Howard also brought up the crocodile picture frames that he recently got and how he's still torn on what to do with them. He called his brother-in-law who told him that the animal is already dead so he may want to keep them but they may have been killed just for their hides so it's up to him if he wants to keep them or not. Howard used to feel that everything was there for humans to use but these days he's having second thoughts about leather and crocodile skins.
Howard said that people were coming down on Robin about her ivory tusks as well. She said that she would never want elephants hunted just for their tusks but she still has one.
Howard said that he read that Joey was upset with them after they didn't have him on during the last week of shows. Howard said that they don't just have people on all that often and they didn't get to him in those final weeks. Joey said that was then, this is now and he's not upset with them anymore.
Joey said that they had a camera over there at his house for Howard TV. Howard went on to ask Joey if there are any romances going on over there at The Sopranos. Joey didn't know of any. Howard wondered if Edi Falco is getting laid. Joey said all he does is go in and do his job.
Howard thinks that Joey is going to get killed off this week because he's saying that he has a big show this week.
Artie told a story about how he blew $38,000 in a poker game one night. He said he was up by $7,000 at one point but he ended up losing that huge amount. Howard got back to Joey and talked about how so many of the cast members on the show have been in trouble with the law.
Artie said he's heard that Joey may be up for an Emmy nomination. Joey said they did submit a couple of episodes so that is possible. Howard told him he's been doing a great job on the show. Howard said it would be great if Joey got raped by all five of the families in the season finale.
Ralph called in and told Joey he looked better when he had more weight on him. Joey said that he was out getting double hip replacement just a few weeks ago. He said he used to play hockey and the weight he had on him didn't help. Howard said that Joey was one of those fat guys who could pull off being fat.
Howard said that Joey has given them a clip from The Sopranos that's an exclusive for them. He played the clip which was actually from a gay porn movie that they've played on the show before. Howard let that play for a short time and then gave Joey a plug for his book ''A Meal to Die For : A Culinary Novel of Crime'' and web site JoeSoup.com. He let Joey go after that.
Howard said that he was going to take a break but he had to pee too. Gary told him that the band, Live, needs to do a sound check during the break too. Howard said that was fine. The band is coming in to recreate some of the songs that they performed over at K-Rock because they lost the rights to play them when they left.
Howard wondered if Booker is wrong to ask him to do this stuff. Robin said she's not sure that he'd want to remind people that Howard is out there. She said that if she was going to be ''the man'' in the mornings, she's not sure that she'd want to get Howard's endorsement. Howard wondered if it's cool for a friend to ask for a favor like that. He's never done that himself.
Howard said that he knows Billy Joel pretty well but he would never call him and ask him to do the show. He said that if Billy wanted to do it, he'd do it. He's not going to beg the guy to do it. The guys spent a few minutes on that.
Gary asked Howard if they were going to pass on Mary Jo Buttafuoco call today. Howard said they had to because they had so much going on today. Howard said he doesn't care that much about Joey and Amy Fisher doing their thing on Entertainment Tonight thing this week but he would like to speak to Mary Jo.
Howard said he may yell at Booker about this whole thing when he gets back from break.
Booker claims that Howard told him that he would call in on the first show but Howard doesn't remember it that way. Booker swore that's what he did but Howard said he didn't mean it. Booker said he even told Howard he really didn't have to do that for him.
Howard said that he told Booker that he thought it was a great move for him to go to Philly because it's a great place and getting away from that other station was a great idea. Howard put all of the personal stuff aside and said that he wishes Booker good luck because he's a good man.
Howard also wanted to use Booker's show to clear up some stuff. He told Booker about how he was offered the chance to go back to terrestrial radio by three companies but he's not going to do it. Booker told him he doesn't need to do it either. Booker said that he's never seen Howard happier on satellite and he knows that he couldn't go back to terrestrial. He said that he knows that there's no way he's coming back to terrestrial radio. Howard said that he can do whatever he wants there on satellite and that's just what they're doing. He believes that it's the best thing he's ever done and he would never burn his fans by going back to free radio.
Artie said that he's never heard Booker in full ass-kiss mode like he is this morning. Booker was saying that he believes he's on his way up but Howard interrupted and asked him what he was talking about. Booker asked him not to bust his balls so Howard laid off. He went on to say that it's a big compliment when he gets an offer to go back to terrestrial radio but he's not going to do it.
Artie jokingly said that he's signed a deal to go to terrestrial where people will only hear what he says. Howard said that Artie is great on the show now that he can say anything. That's what's great about the show. Howard said he hopes that Clear Channel pays Booker if something happens. Robin pointed out that Clear Channel is the company that just hired Whoopi Goldberg. Howard said he thinks that will work out about as well as David Lee Roth's show. Fred played a bomb dropping whistle sound as they were talking about that.
Howard said that it's great that Booker left the station that was overlooking him to do his own morning show. Artie put Booker on the spot and asked him to name three Phillies and three Eagles. Booker said that was easy but he didn't actually name any of them.
Ralph called in and asked Booker what kind of show he's doing over there. Booker told him that he was hearing what he does right then. Booker said he can do just about anything he wants. He said he's having fun there and that's what counts. You can check them out at Q102.com. Artie said he just realized that they can't curse right now. He almost made a joke about the song that Booker mentioned. He told Booker to get off the phone because he has to get back to being funny again. Howard wished Booker luck and let him go.
Jacklyn came in a short time later so Howard asked her about how she met her man. She was working bachelor parties back then and did go fully naked that night. She said that all of the guys in the band got to see her naked and so did her current father in law.
Howard asked Jacklyn if she still dances. She doesn't need to now that she's married to one of the band members. Howard asked if she's going to break it to the kids that she used to dance. She said that they already know. Ed just wanted to plug their new album but Howard told him to calm down because this is the greatest story for a stripper ever. He said that she's the real ''Pretty Woman.'' He said he's not wasting their time here.
Jacklyn said there were actually two groups there at the bachelor party and she was one of the women who just danced, she didn't do anything with the guys like the other group of girls did. Jacklyn said that she was making good money doing that. Howard said there was another hot chick there, Dinah, so Howard spent a short time talking to her. She's Chad's wife. Howard asked her some questions about how long it took to hook up with her and bang her. She was working a corporate job when she met him and ended up meeting him one night in Vegas.
Howard thanked the girls for coming in and moved on to the band. He said he's going to ask them to perform some of the songs that they performed at K-Rock so they can have them back since they lost them at K-Rock. They went right into ''Selling the Drama'' but the sound was off a bit... just like the old K-Rock days.
Gary said that they had Ed's brother Adam sitting in with the band today. Ed said that he's been with the band for 7 or 8 years now. Howard heard that Ed was a huge fan of American Idol but Ed said he was just joking about that when he did the pre-interview. Howard said that one of the kids on American Idol covered ''Walk the Line'' and did Live's arrangement of the song and got credit for it. Ed said he spoke to the guy, Chris Daughtry, and he apologized for it so he's fine with it now.
Howard read that Ed only drinks water and nothing else but Ed said that's not true either. He said he does like Evian water but it's not the only thing he drinks.
Howard asked the guys what they think of their new studio. They thought it was very nice and they had never been up there to SIRIUS before. Howard had them perform another song after that. They performed their hit song ''I Alone'' and the sound problem had been straightened out by then so they sounded great.
The guys said that they've been together for 22 years now and that's why they're able to sound as good as Howard thought they did. Howard asked them about how they got started in the business and how they ended up blowing away the audience the way they did when they were about 14 years old. Howard said there are kids making bands all the time and actually becoming a hit is a billion to one chance.
Howard said that it was Chad's dad who helped get them a deal. Chad said he called a guy for about 365 days in a row before he would actually listen to him. They've had a lot of supporters along the way though. They did get turned down a lot before they finally did get picked up. Howard wished the guys a lot of luck and thanked them for coming in.
Howard gave the guys a plug for their new album ''Songs from Black Mountain'' and said he was going to play one of their new songs off of that. He took a phone call from a guy who wondered what took them so long to make this album. Ed said that they were in a transition period after ending their contract with Universal so they took a break for a while. Another guy said that he met the guys back stage at a show and he was blown away by Chad's wife. Howard played the guys off with their song ''Mystery'' from their new album.
Artie said that this guy was 2 weeks away from his wedding and at his bachelor party, the stripper blows him so he ends up dumping his fiancee and asked the stripper to marry him. She also blew the bachelor's brother at the same party. He's not sure how things worked out, he hasn't heard from him in a while.
Howard said that the family must have been humiliated. Artie said they were and the guy and his stripper didn't end up having a big wedding. He said that he wasn't there at the party himself but he heard stories from friends of his who were there.
Howard had a clip from The Surreal Life and Tawny Kittaen has been acting very strange on the show. She was trying to say ''Auschwitz'' in one conversation but she had trouble getting it out. She said ''Ouch-fitz'' instead.
He had another audio clip from David Letterman's show where Vince Vaughn refused to talk about dating Jennifer Aniston. He doesn't understand why people are like that. Why not just talk about it, you don't have to brag about it or anything like that. He played the clip where Vaughn wouldn't admit that he's going out with her. Howard said it was a really awkward situation for Dave who had to act like a 3 year old asking his questions.
Howard had audio of Britney Spears reading the Top 10 List on Letterman's show. Howard didn't know why they pulled that clip so Gary told him that JD just wanted to point out that she has no comedic ability. Howard wasn't even able to make it through number 10 as she was reading it. He wondered if it was Britney or the awful Top 10 list that was the problem. Artie said that they've been trying to make something happen with that segment for 20 years now. They won't give it up.
Howard talked more about the Tawny clip and how she screwed that up. He said that she's making the Surreal Life kind of disturbing this season. Robin talked about the Hulk Hogan show ''Hogan Knows Best'' and how there was a kid on there who told Hulk that he loved the wrestling match he had with Sylvester Stallone. Howard said he hopes that Hulk is putting it on with the show when he refused to let his daughter be alone with any guys. Robin said it was kind of funny when they showed him dancing along with the crowd at his daughter's show.
Howard had a clip from COPS where this woman goes nuts and screams at the cop who arrests her. They weren't even tasering her but she was screaming like she was dying. As he was playing the clip Howard said that those guys don't get paid enough. Artie said that their starting salary should be $2 million a year. Howard agreed. He replayed the clip to hear the screaming again. Howard said that if he was the cop, he would have pulled out his gun and shot her.
Howard asked Nikki what she does while Artie is watching a game. She said that she would give him a blow job, then go get him a Hostess cupcake, lay down beside him and watch the game with him. Artie said that was the right answer and ''We have a winner!''
Howard asked Nikki what she would do if her cousin was getting married and Artie didn't want to go. He would give her $1,000 to give to the cousin. She said she would just say ''Okie Dokey'' and leave. She went on to describe herself as being 5'11'' tall at 130 pounds with natural C-cup breasts. She has a flat stomach but it's not really muscular because she doesn't work out. She also said that she's into chicks as well so she's a special kind of gal.
Nikki said that she's been described as looking like Lisa Kudrow from ''Friends'' but that was the wrong ''Friend'' according to Artie. She can't cook but Artie said that wasn't a problem, his mother will make the Chicken Parm for them. Howard asked Nikki if she wanted to come down to let Artie check her out. She said she's down in Baltimore but she could come up for a visit.
Howard asked Nikki if she could lie to Artie's mother about what she does for a living. He played the part of Artie's mother and asked her some questions about what she does for a living. Nikki covered up by saying she was a massage therapist. Howard told her to say that she's a secretary instead. She tried that and said that she can type 120 words a minute.
Robin asked Artie if it would be a problem for him if this girl was towering over him because he's only about 5'10'' tall while she's 5'11'' tall. He didn't seem to have a problem with it. Howard told Nikki that he was liking her.
Nikki said that she has a little landing strip on her private parts. Artie said he likes that even though Howard doesn't. Nikki said that she has a pretty pussy and gets compliments on it all the time. Howard told Artie that this is the kind of girl he needs, not a nice girl like Dana. Artie wanted to get some blood and urine from this chick to make sure she's clean.
Howard wanted to see some pictures of this chick so she said that she's got a Myspace account. Howard put her on hold so Gary could get that account and check it out. They put her on hold and got the account so they could log in and check her out. The In Demand guys pulled it up and put it on the TV screens in the studio.
Gary said that he wanted to say something to this girl. Howard got her back on the phone and Gary said that the web site claims that she's 17 and lives in California. Nikki said she was born in California but she is 21 years old. Howard said he's never heard a 17 year old with a voice like that. Artie aid he's never even heard a 21 year old with that kind of voice.
Nikki was getting on her account to see if she had any naked pictures up there. She wanted to see why the right account wasn't coming up so she logged in and checked it out. Howard was telling the guys that she sounds like the kind of girl that Artie could talk to. Artie said that he'd like her to be 17 years old. He was also saying that she won't be his girlfriend but she might be the chick who drives up every week to bang him. Howard thought she sounded pretty good to him.
Howard finally got to see some of her pictures and thought that a picture of Uma Thurman was her. That was a picture from Kill Bill though. Howard saw a picture of her and said that her face was cute. She didn't look like Lisa Kudrow according to Howard. He said that she wasn't wearing makeup but she still looked cute. Artie didn't seem to be into her as much as Howard was.
Nikki put up a nude picture of herself and the guys sounded impressed. Howard told her that he thinks she's cute. Nikki was uploading some new pictures but none of them were her with make-up on. Artie was laughing because there was one picture that she didn't look so good in. Robin said she couldn't get a read on what she actually looked like. Howard told her that there were some odd pictures in there.
Artie said that this is the type of chick who would bring him a cupcake during a Yankee game. Sal came in and said that she sounds sweet but she looks like a Muppet with AIDS. Howard said he wasn't seeing that though. Sal said that she's ugly and emaciated from what he can see. He said he was going to put up a Myspace account where they can have all of the chicks who want to bang Artie send in pictures (Right here). Gary knew that he wanted to do that just so he could jerk off to some pictures. Sal wondered how they figured him out so quick.
Howard read her bio on Myspace and Artie was still giggling in the background. Gary said that if Artie is going to get into banging other chicks, he should jump in and get really hot chicks. He didn't want to be rude to this chick but he was just telling it like it is. Artie said that he's not really into this chick but he didn't want to be like Sal and call her ugly. Artie told her that she's not his type... His type is Carmen Electra.
Howard let Nikki go and said that he wouldn't have turned her down. Benjy asked Artie if he would take a blow job from her. Artie said he might do that.
Steve The Intern was also in with his Intern Show preview. They have JD coming on the show. They'll also be saying goodbye to some interns and they'll be bringing in a new crop next week. Steve will be staying with the show of course.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when Howard's show is going to be streaming on the web. He said that they will be starting that in June and the reason it took so long is because they had to build up the network to handle the traffic.
Gary came in and said that the AP news story about him not going to terrestrial is spreading like wild fire everywhere.
Howard mentioned that SIRIUS will have a totally portable unit coming out this summer but he doesn't know exactly where people will be able to use it. Artie heard that it was going to be a ''wearable'' unit so he takes that as meaning you can take it anywhere. Howard asked Artie if Dana has her SIRIUS subscription hooked up. Artie said he's pretty sure she doesn't have it hooked up yet, that was something he was supposed to take care of but didn't. Howard said he'll make sure she doesn't get that free subscription then.
A phone caller told Artie to take Howard's advice and just bang this chick because it will make him much happier. Robin asked Artie if he is happy right now. Howard went on to play some ''Dana Dumped You'' which was to the tune of ''Desperado.'' Artie said the song was pretty impressive after hearing a few minutes of it. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Benjy asked Howard if he looks forward to coming in. Howard said he does feel that he has to come in to tell the audience about what's going on with his life when he goes on vacation for a week. He's never really had a month off just to see what it's like. Artie told him he should give a try to see how it works. Howard said maybe that's what he'll do in 5 years.
Robin also pointed out that they're not taking Fridays off like they were supposed to. Howard said they'll start doing that this summer. He's just got so much going on that he doesn't have time to take every Friday off. Robin asked if the Howard Stern Radio Network would continue if he retired. Howard said he would hope it would. Artie said there's no way that Howard would let his name be on it if he was retired. Howard said he might not retire, he may just keep working but not do a full show every day. He might just drop by some of the shows like Bubba's show.
Robin got back to her news. Howard spent some time talking about his sexual past and how horrible it must be for the women he's banged. He said with all of the smells and stuff emanating from him, it can't be good. He was talking about 69ing Beth and what that must look like with his wide, cellulite ridden hips thrusting into Beth's mouth. They ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard was having some problems with his headphones first thing this morning. He said there's a lot of stuff going on with the show today. He said he's got Dennis Rodman and Greg Fitzsimmons coming in. He's also got a porn star by the name of Shy Love coming in because they're sending JD down to Hedonism soon. He'll talk more about that later on.
Howard said they have a guy there who's willing to tongue Richard Christy's asshole if he agrees to watch his 5 minute Film Festival entry. Howard wondered what's in it for him because watching this guy lick someone's asshole isn't exactly something he wants to see. Howard said that's where the show is headed though.
Howard said he wanted to talk about what happened in the world of radio in New York. He said that a lot of guys are feeling that they have to be outrageous there since he left and this team called Star and Buck Wild had some trouble. Star got fired according to Howard. He wondered if Buck Wild will be able to work with someone else on a team or if Star was the big star there.
Howard suggested Imus and Buck Wild. They were mentioning a bunch of morning teams like Ron and Fez, Don and Mike and a bunch of others that could be broken up and teamed up with Buck Wild. Howard read an article about the reason for Star's firing. He said that he believes that a lot of guys are going to get fired for stuff like this because they're going to be trying to do outrageous things on the air. Star made some racist and violent on-air remarks about another DJ and that's what got him fired. He may even go to jail for what he said.
Star offered his audience $500 to his audience if they could tell him where his rival's daughter goes to school. He was going to pull an ''R. Kelly'' on his daughter. Howard figures that this asshole will probably bring up his name in his first interview after being fired too.
Gary came in and said that the other DJ, DJ Envy, called them and said that he was fired for coming up with a song about the tsunami that hit a couple of years back. Howard went on to read the rest of the story. The radio station suspended him and later fired him. That was a Clear Channel station so it wasn't surprising that they let this guy go.
Howard took a call from a guy in Austin, Texas who said that Howard's show was replaced by Star and Buck Wild down there after he left. He said he wondered why Clear Channel kept them on the air even after they claimed they fired Howard for using the N-word on the air. The caller said that the station wasn't doing that well down there anyway. He was also saying that his wife kind of liked the show but he didn't listen all the time since he was listening to Howard.
Robin said that she thought that they used to like Howard but he got old and then they started to bad mouth him. That seems to be what a lot of DJs do these days. Howard said he never threatened to piss and ejaculate on someone's 4 year old child like this guy did. He believes that these guys are trying to emulate his success because they get desperate. He believes that they're not pre-meditated incidents, they just get caught up in their careers and blow their loads like that.
Howard said that he'll put up $10 million to prove that he wasn't lying. He said that the money would go to charity. He said that they should put up ownership of their magazine to him if they can't afford the ten million. He said he is telling the truth, he doesn't lie about that stuff. He said he told his agent that he has no desire to go back to terrestrial and turned down those offers.
Howard took a call from a guy who insisted that Howard had that guy DJ Envy on his show a couple of months ago. Howard said that wasn't the case but the guy didn't want to believe him. Gary told Howard it was another DJ and his partner from Shade 45, not DJ Envy. The caller eventually admitted that he was wrong so Howard let him go.
Howard was doing an impression of Whoopi and how she'll handle her morning show against other DJs. He said that she'll probably run out of nice things to do after the first hour or two of her show.
Howard read an article about how CBS and he are almost ready to settle their lawsuit. He's not supposed to comment on that so all he said is that they'll see what happens there. He said that it was probably one of the most bone headed moves in history. He's been told not to comment on the case so he just wants to put that behind him some day. He said that could break down as well though so they'll have to wait and see if it all works out.
Howard said that in the first movie Rebecca's character gives the bird to another character so he told her he really liked the way she did that. It turns out she did the flipping the bird but didn't do the physical part of that scene, it was a stunt double. Her flipping the bird was her idea though and Howard told her that was great... even though it wasn't that big of a deal.
Gary told Howard he thinks that they're going to give Howard a screening of the new X-Men movie. Brett Ratner directed the movie and Howard was happy to hear that. Gary said he heard that Kelsey Grammer is in the movie which didn't sit well with Howard.
Gary mentioned that Melissa Rivers was on American Idol last night and it appears as if she's starting to pull her face back like her mother has done. Gary didn't stay tuned to hear what she had to say last night, he fast forwarded right past there.
Howard had some audio of Rebecca Romijn who was on American Idol last night. He figures she must be a pretty big star if they let her have some face time on the show. Gary wondered if they would let her advertise on there if she wasn't promoting a movie for FOX. Howard wasn't sure about that and said that the only reason she was on the show is because she is promoting for FOX. Rebecca was there with her new boyfriend Jerry O'Connell.
Rebecca was talking about how nervous she was for the contestants and Howard interrupted and said he had her naked in his bed one time. He also has pictures of her naked that they took when she was over at his apartment with John Stamos that time.
Howard asked why there hasn't been any crazy stuff like titties popping out on American Idol. Gary said there was a dress that blew up one time but you couldn't see much of anything. Artie asked Howard how he can watch that show after seeing a scene like that one with Rebecca. He doesn't understand that at all.
Jon Hein came in and said that this is the time where the best singers on American Idol get kicked off. That's happened on just about every season of the show. He called it last night when he predicted that Chris Daughtry would get voted off.
Howard said that all of this was coming from someone who was wearing a Hersey's Chocolate t-shirt. That led to the guys talking to Jon about his previous job and how he had to get dressed a little nicer than he does now. Jon said that he used to work for the Princeton Review and they hated him for leaving but couldn't blame him either. He said that they treated him very well though and didn't give him a hard time. The guy he worked for was a big fan of Howard's so he was happy for him about the job.
Artie said that Dana actually sent him a letter so the plot has thickened. She sent him a 4 page, nice, letter about him and their relationship. She said that she's ''still here'' and hasn't moved on yet. Artie said that he's still thinking about talking to the shrink. He said the letter that Dana sent to him was really nice and it's kind of funny how they're keeping in touch like it's the 1700's. He said he's going to tell her to put a lamp in her window to signal him about what she wants to do next.
Artie said that Dana thinks that he needs to do some work on himself before they move in together so he may have to do that. He said that she's willing to give him the time he needs as long as he does something. Howard told Artie he should just take that 21 year old stripper that called in yesterday. She's a player and she had a great body.
Fred was telling Artie he could have everything he wants with that stripper. Howard played a new bit where they had the Wack Packers voice mail messages about what they think about Artie and Dana's break-up. Jeff the Drunk, Gary the Retard and Daniel Carver all left messages for Artie. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard didn't play the whole bit because there were some comments that were nice about Artie and Dana. Riley Martin had a few nice words about Artie so Howard played those for him. Riley told Artie to just move on, live and be happy. Blue Iris said she doesn't care if Artie overeats and drinks, she'll suck his cock anytime.
Mary Jo said that she doesn't want to talk about Joey climbing on top of her because her 26 year old son is a fan and he's probably listening this morning. Howard told her that he's very happy that Mary Jo got rid of Joey. He could never understand why she was always defending him.
Robin asked Mary Jo if she believes that Joey actually did sleep with Amy Fisher all those years ago. She said she prefers to keep her opinions to herself on that. She said that she used to get more angry about how people would always talk about Joey and Amy's relationship instead of what Amy did to her by shooting her in the face. Howard said it must have been really strange for her to hug Amy Fisher. Mary Jo said that she's in a different place now and things have changed over the years.
Mary Jo told Howard that her kids don't really hang out with their father much these days. She said they're pretty smart kids. They've even changed their last names so they don't have the Buttafuoco name anymore. They don't want anything to do with him anymore.
Artie told a story about Mary Jo coming up to him at an event they were at and saying that he reminded her of a young Joey. Howard said that it's really weird how Amy is married to a guy who looks just like Joey. Mary Jo said that she didn't want to like that guy but he turned out to be a really nice guy and it appears that he really loves her.
Howard asked Mary Jo if it's true that Oprah Winfrey was going to hook her up with a plastic surgeon to fix her. She said she's already done that and she's feeling really good about herself now. Robin said that she looked great on Entertainment Tonight when she saw her the other night. Mary Jo said that she had a half a face lift to match up that side of her face with the paralyzed half of her face and it worked very well for her.
Howard asked her about the day she met with Amy Fisher. Mary said that she was very relaxed that day. She said that she could have gone in there to yell at her but she figured that wasn't the right way to go. She knows that Amy is very sorry for what she did. She also said that she got paid to do the show and she feels good about doing it. Howard said that if he were Amy Fisher, he would just want this stuff to go away and he wouldn't appear anywhere.
Mary Jo thanked Robin for saying that she was really creeped out by Amy when she called in months ago. She really appreciated that because of what Amy did to her. Mary Jo said that if she was in a room with Amy 10 years ago, she probably would have wrung her neck. She has changed over the years though so she didn't want to do that. Mary Jo said that she figured that Amy was going to get out of jail and eventually screw up and end up back in jail.
Howard told Mary Jo that he's glad she's happy now and that she's with Stew the Jew. She was telling Howard that she's living out in Southern California now and makes it a point to see the guys from the show when they do gigs out there.
Fred asked Mary Jo if she ever had sex with Joey again after the shooting. Howard said that's exactly what he was going to ask her. Mary Jo said it took her months to get back to the point where she could do that but she did sleep with him again. She said she was scared when she did it for the first time after that.
Mary Jo said that Amy finally admitted that she was lying about Joey actually pushing her to do what she did to her. She said she didn't know that back then though so it was kind of strange. Howard asked Mary Jo who has the bigger penis, Joey or Stew, but she didn't want to answer that. She said she doesn't kiss and tell. Howard let her go after that.
Howard read that in one segment they try to sell a white Bronco with a bullet hole in it. There was another bit where OJ plays a drunken delivery man but Doug said that didn't make any sense to him. The show is available on digital cable On Demand.
Howard read through some of the descriptions of the pranks that they pull on people and they're all dopey puns. Gary came in and said that he just watched a couple minutes of the DVD he had and all he could think was that OJ has no right to be having any fun.
Howard said that he thinks that even if they had a video tape of OJ killing Nicole, the jury still would have let him off.
Howard brought up this extreme diving thing he saw during the David Blaine special on Monday night and they showed a kind of hot chick going down and dying. He said that it was almost like watching a murder on tape. Howard said that if Scott Peterson really wanted to kill his wife, he could have had her do this free diving thing. He said that the woman must have been retarded to do something like that. He pointed out that there are many ways to kill someone without getting caught.
Howard told Lisa that today he will take a 20 minute meditation break after the show. Then he'll go to the staff meeting and then meet with Tim Sabean about the two channels. After that Ralph will meet with him and show him some new clothes. Then he'll go to the shrink. After that he'll take his two daughters out for dinner. He said he'll probably pass out in a coma after all of that.
Artie said he's going out to eat and then going to a Yankee game tonight. Howard was thinking of going to see Live doing a show in the city but he's got to go out with his kids. Artie said he hopes the Yankee vs. Red Sox game doesn't get rained out.
Howard said that he was asked to go to an event to roast someone but he really doesn't do roasts. He will get up and say a few words about the person but he's not going to roast them. He wouldn't mention the name of the person he's supposed to roast. He was under the impression that it was going to be a roast but Fred thought it was just going to be a low key dinner.
Artie said he wrote some jokes for Robin to use at this roast thing because she's supposed to say a few things about the guy as well. Artie offered to give Howard some jokes as well. Robin said that she will have about 50 jokes so she'll give some of them to Howard.
Howard told a story about how he was asked by his mother to go make a speech at a family gathering one time and after he was done, she gave his speech a bad review. He hates making speeches even though he can talk on the radio all day long.
Howard also said that he once had a conversation with Scott Greenstein about going on a college tour to promote SIRIUS and Scott, who apparently speaks very frantically, was giving him some advice on what to do there by taking questions from the crowd. Scott told him that anything he says is funny so that's what he should be doing.
Artie told Howard he was pitched a show where the whole idea of the show was to have him ''doing and saying funny things about current events.'' He thought that was pretty funny and now if he does any show where he says anything funny, that guy is going to think that it was his idea.
Howard said that he was pitched a show by the company Endemol where they wanted him to make people laugh and then comment on some current events. He stopped them there and said that it sounded like way too much work for him. He wanted to do something like Joe Rogan does on ''Fear Factor'' or like Howie Mandel does on ''Deal or No Deal.'' He pretended to do the Deal or No Deal thing and showed how good he could be doing that.
Artie said he remembers when Regis Philbin would talk to the contestants on ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' and he would lose interest and just move on to the game after asking the person how they were. He also told a story about Regis not listening to what the contestants said to him and agreed with a woman that her outfit made her look fat.
Robin appeared on the celebrity version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire and they made a huge deal out of Regis when he'd come to meet the contestants.
Howard got back to Lisa G after that. She said that SIRIUS Canada has met another milestone. They've added Howard 101 to their lineup. Bubba the Love Sponge was informed by Howard 100 News about that because he was always kind of upset that he wasn't being heard up in Canada.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Bubba and how he gets very upset over certain things and he's very insecure about things. He was listening to Bubba's show yesterday and it was very interesting but he had to go out with Beth for their anniversary. They've been together for 6 years now. He and Beth went to John George for dinner and he saw some snooty old woman giving him dirty looks out there. He said he had some wine even though he usually doesn't drink during the week.
Robin said that Bubba had his son on the air last night and she kind of questions that. She thinks that he's kind of grooming his son to take over for him and that's kind of like what Kathie Lee Gifford used to do with her kids. She said that Bubba was playing a game with his son where he asked him about who he'd want to be when he grew up. The son would say that becoming Howard Stern is good but becoming Tim Sabean is bad.
Howard asked Lisa what else she had coming up. She said that they'll be looking into how they book guests for the show. Howard told Lisa how it goes and recreated how they will book a guest. He did his impression of Gary taking a call and then relaying the message to him. Lisa said that they'll have a new Mr. Skin minute and the Superfan Roundtable will be on at 7pm tonight. Howard went to break after Lisa's news preview.
Howard said that he only wants stuff played on the show that he's heard. He claims that it's the 50th conversation he's had like that. He's heard stuff on the air that he's never heard before. He said he's got so many good things to play for them and he doesn't want that kind of stuff being played when he comes out of break because it makes him crazy.
Howard wasn't paying attention to the bit so he's not sure if it was good or not. Robin said that they weren't getting to the punch line fast enough, that was the only problem with the bit. Howard said he's not sure if it was good or not, he's never heard it before. Fred said he thought it was approved but he's now deleted it from that page.
Howard told Gary that he has to straighten out that problem because he doesn't want that to happen again. Gary said he's not arguing with him, he'll make sure it's done. Howard told him that no one is to go home until it's taken care of. He wondered if he's crazy or something because this isn't the first time this has happened. Robin said that there are about 10 billion pages and they should have it slimmed down to about 5.
Howard wanted to know whose fault it was because no one was admitting to it. Gary said that Scott was telling them that it was a call that was played at K-Rock, it wasn't something that was never played. Howard said he still wants it off the list.
Gary said a friend of his sent him this clip that they were playing so he was going to call him and ask him if the woman was black or not. Gary was having trouble getting in touch with the guy so Howard replayed the bit a few times and told Robin how he picked up on her being black. He noticed she didn't annunciate the T in ''Started.''
A phone caller told Howard that the woman's name is Darius Chisolm and she is black. He lives in Pittsburgh and knows her from the news out there. The caller said that she's a light skinned black woman. Gary said that they found a couple of pictures of her. He brought them in and showed them to Howard. She's very light skinned but she is a black woman from what he can see. Artie wanted to call it even because she was so light skinned that it was hard to tell.
Howard played a Mystery Sound that Gary told him to play. Howard played it and it was a woman slurping something. He said he didn't want to know what it was. Richard Christy came in and said that he pulled the clip from this porn star Hillary Scott's movie. He's working on a new bit called ''Inside the Porn Actor Studio'' with her.
Richard said that it was so vile that he wanted to clean it up a bit for the air. Richard said that five guys finished in her backside. She expels their juices onto a plate and then slurps it. That's what the sound is. Howard said that was the sickest most depraved thing he's ever heard. Richard said it's so weird that he didn't get aroused by it at all. Howard gave a fan some tickets for the Rain Forest concert even though he wasn't able to guess what the sound was.
Howard read a comment from Shy about how she turned down Playboy because they didn't offer her enough money. Howard said he didn't believe that. She said that she still does stuff for Playboy but she didn't do the centerfold thing. She said that she would have been paid about $25,000 to be a centerfold and she wouldn't be able to do anything in the adult industry for up to four years. She said she could make that kind of money in a month in the industry so she turned it down.
Howard also read that she's gotten two masters degrees. She said that she got a masters in accounting and she was done with school by the time she was 23 years old. Howard had some tax questions for her so he went through those to find out if she could really be an accountant. She knew the answer to the first long question. Howard gave her a second one and she had an explanation for why she wouldn't know the answer to that one.
Howard was going to talk about the JD thing that they were going to talk about. Gary handed Howard a note from Dennis Rodman that said something about him taking her for a ride to find out what she'd be like with a black man. Shy said that she's totally into personality and she'd have to hang out with him first.
Howard brought up this Hedonism thing that JD is going to be going to. He said they wanted to send him off to get laid in Columbia or something like that. The guys ended up talking to Shy about how she has an open relationship with her husband and they get to bang other people. She said that if she wants to bang another guy, she will do it on camera and it's cool. She said that she may just find a guy she likes and fuck him on camera just so it's okay with her husband.
Howard tried the JD thing again and said that they thought about sending him to the Dominican Republic and let him get laid as he calls into the show. Then he got nervous about sending him down there so they're going to send him to this thing with Shy. It's Hedonism 3 and she's going to have tons of fans with her who will be appearing in her movie. Howard wanted to know how JD is going to get laid. She said that JD will go down there and perform with one of her girls that she knows he'll love.
Shy said that she may give him a hand job but the other girl will be banging him. JD doesn't want to be on camera so Shy said she could do the hand job off camera. Artie said that he wouldn't be able to let his wife do something with another guy and he can't understand why anyone would let their woman do stuff like this.
The guys were talking about how weird things would get if they were banging this chick and her husband was sitting on the side watching. JD said he has no desire to be in a porno. Shy said that she would make sure that they don't film him then.
Howard told Shy that they have to call in while JD is getting his blow job or whatever he's getting down there. Artie asked if there's a chance that if one of the guys from the show went down there that they could have regular sex with her. Gary told him that he's going to be on film if he goes down there.
Shy was grabbing JD's package but she didn't feel anything down there. JD said he wasn't chubbed up. Shy went in for another feel and said that she did feel something. Artie thinks that JD could get to bang this chick.
Howard asked Gary if Dennis Rodman wants to watch her ride the Sybian. Gary went out to find him. Dennis had sent in a note about her being ''full of shit'' so Howard wanted to find out what that was about. Dennis came in and said that he was just fuckin' with her.
Shy wanted to know what Dennis' package was like so she asked if she could feel it. Dennis didn't seem to be into that and turned her down. Artie said that he once saw Dennis' dick in a steam room one time at the Hard Rock. Artie said that it's probably ''NBA Average.'' He said that he was at the Hard Rock and went to the steam room to sweat the booze out of himself and Dennis came walking in fully naked. He was stretching and pulling his dick around. It was pretty big according to Artie.
Shy said that she has a size requirement for guy's because she was with a really big guy one time and her cervix got torn because he was too big. Howard told her that Dennis has broken his penis twice. He had him talk about that. Dennis said the first time he broke it, he had Stacy from Scores come down on it the wrong way and broke his dick. The second time was with Carmen Electra. Howard asked him how that happened. Dennis thought about it and said it was the same way it happened with the other chick.
Artie said that JD couldn't look anymore like Napoleon Dynamite right now. He was in between Dennis and Shy and looked very out of place. Howard gave Shy a few plugs for her web sites...
Howard then had Shy hop on the Sybian to take that for a ride. She picked an attachment that almost every woman picks for the female masturbation machine. Artie really liked her ass and said that he would do to her what he does to a Devil Dog. Howard turned over the mic to Shy and had Gary turn on the machine. She kept her panties on because she was afraid that the rubber from the machine was going to burn her clit. Gary started out low but slowly turned the machine up.
Gary kept turning the machine up as Shy was moaning in ecstasy. Howard stayed quiet but Dennis and Robin were talking during the ride. Shy hopped off the machine and started to smack herself in her vagina. She said that it stops it from throbbing so much. She was rubbing into the machine as it was running and said that she does that to a guy as well because it helps her get off. Artie said that may have been the single greatest moment in TV ever.
Dennis said he was watching Howard the whole time. Howard thought that was kind of weird. Shy said she wasn't faking it either. She said that they would have been able to tell if she was faking it because she'd be yelling out and cursing more.
Howard said that JD isn't going to last more than 10 seconds with Shy when she takes him to that Hedonism thing. He was also talking about how weird JD is because he wasn't getting into her when she was grabbing him. Howard let Shy go and got back to Dennis.
Howard asked Dennis about what he thought of Shy because he didn't seem that interested in her. Dennis said he can get bored with women but the one woman he doesn't get bored with is his wife. He said he wasn't kidding about that either.
Howard said that if Beth said it was okay for him to bang that chick, he would go do it. Robin said that Dennis has women lining up to bang him so it's just insane for him. Dennis said that Shy is a very pretty girl and he's sure there would be many other guys who would be into her.
Howard read that Dennis used to cheat on his wife so he ended up talking to him about cheating on Carmen Electra. Dennis said that if he was single now he'd be banging Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan just to teach them a lesson. Artie thought that was pretty funny and said that Dennis may be their best satellite guest. Dennis was saying that he has a friend in the green room who used to take his dick out and slap it on the table. The women would ask him to give them a dick shot by slapping them on the face with his dick too.
Howard figures that when Dennis took his schlong out for Madonna, that must have shut her up. He asked Dennis if she was able to keep up with him when they were in bed together. Dennis said that she took a lot from him and didn't get too far into that story. Howard asked him if Madonna is fresh because he figures she's all smelly from doing Yoga and all of that. Dennis said that she smelled good when he was with her.
Howard asked Dennis if he likes going down on a girl when he's with her. He said he's not into that stuff but Howard is a Jew so he has to do that. Howard asked Dennis if Carmen Electra ate his ass. Dennis didn't answer but said that maybe only 3 or 4 women haven't gone that way with him. He said that the women are so into him that they will go down there no problem.
Howard said that he has never had his ass eaten but he may be afraid that he'd be dirty back there. Howard asked Dennis what position he gets in when he does that. He said he'd be on his back, not on all fours like Howard thought. Dennis told him that you become a bitch when you spread your legs and ass for the woman to go down there. Howard said that Dennis has had quite a life. He hasn't been with many porn stars though.
Howard read a story about how Dennis ran off to see his girlfriend the day after his wife, at the time, had their baby. Gary asked him about another story where Dennis left his kid in the car while he went to have sex with a girl. Dennis said he never did that but his friend did.
Dennis told Howard that they should have an orgy with their girls. Howard said he would never do that because Dennis is probably so good in bed. He wouldn't want to make a fool out of himself.
Howard told Howard about a woman who called in recently and told them about how she likes to have black guys bang her because it excites her husband. She had a bunch of the Miami Dolphins come in to bang her. Howard also asked Dennis about how he spent $38,000 on lap dances one night. Dennis said it was just one of those drunken nights out when he did that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard why he let the Beth O thing go so easily. Howard said that Beth told him that Dennis was just joking around and she wasn't offended when he grabbed her ass so he just let it go. Another caller asked Dennis who his best fuck has been out of all of the girls he's been with. Dennis said there was a girl in Detroit who gave him a 45 minute blow job... but she wasn't that good in bed.
Another caller told Dennis he was great when he was playing for Chicago and he thinks that Howard should give him his own radio show where he talks about his sex stories. Dennis has some ideas for the radio show already so he's ready to go with that. Howard took another call from a guy who asked about Paula Abdul but Dennis has never been with her. That guy also asked if Dennis has ever done any ''fag sex.'' Howard thought he had but Dennis said he hasn't done that with anyone, he'd have to do it with someone he respects like Howard Stern.
A caller told Howard that he partied with Dennis down in Atlantic City one time. He said that Dennis is a man's man and he was having a lot of fun down there that time. Howard took a few more calls and one guy asked Dennis if he ever gave Carmen or Madonna anal sex. Dennis said that Carmen is too small to do that to so he never did. Howard pointed out that Dennis has had two major icons, Madonna and Carmen, and that means something to him.
Dennis said that he's been with some other famous chicks but he wasn't saying who they were. The caller asked Dennis if he ever got Angie Everhart. Dennis said that Angie was out fucking somebody one night and he was right next to her at this party. He said that she was with a black guy but Howard said that was Angie's story to tell so they'll leave it at that.
Howard told Dennis that he has to bang Paris Hilton but Dennis said the would never do her. He said that she's a pain in the ass and her ass is flat. He has no desire to do that. Dennis said that he'd like to do Howard's girlfriend. Howard told him to stop that. He gave him some plugs for his birthday party that he's holding at Cane on Friday night. He's also appearing at the Hall of Heroes on Saturday from 4-6 at the Roosevelt Field Mall. You can get tickets at SteinerSports.com.
Dennis told Howard to come out to the Live concert tonight because he'll be there. Howard said he may try to stop by at about 9 if he can get there. Howard wrapped up with Dennis a short time later and went to commercial break.
Greg told Howard he's going up to Boston University, Howard's alma matter, this weekend. Howard said he's thinking of disassociating himself from that school because they never acknowledge him and they have Les Moonves making a commencement speech at the school this year. Greg sounded surprised by that because he's heard nothing but good things about Howard from the school. Greg said that he's getting a distinguished alumni award from the school but he has to show up to get it. Howard said that's probably why he hasn't gotten the award himself.
Howard said that he did well in school while he was going there. He felt that he had to perform because his father was paying so much for the school at the time. Greg said he felt the same way.
Howard said that he would rather puke and eat his own vomit than go back to terrestrial radio. He is not contemplating anything like that and now Friday Morning Quarterback has written a story about how he must be lying about the offers. Howard said that he doesn't lie, he has no reason to do that. Friday Morning Quarterback is assuming that all of the major companies out there wouldn't dare make him an offer. He said that if someone comes up with 10 million dollars for charity, he will expose who those three companies were. He said it just shows that terrestrial radio needs him.
Howard said that lumping him in with Opie and Anthony's move to XM was a failure because they only got 35,000 people to sign up for their $1 a month extra charge when they first moved there. Howard said that XM needs to make some money to make up for that so they're selling their show to CBS. He said he would never go back to terrestrial and water down his show like that himself.
Howard and Greg talked about Dennis Rodman a little bit and Greg was saying that Dennis never stopped playing with his cock the whole time he was in there. Artie wondered if Einstein played with his brain the whole day. Mike mentioned that it's Einstein's 150th birthday today... which brought that conversation to a grinding halt.
Mike asked Howard about Boston University because they don't list Howard on their Alumni list there. Howard said that's the kind of thing he's talking about, the school seems to be ashamed of him. Howard had Mike move on to the game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard took another call from a guy who thought that Howard was going on and on too much about not going back to terrestrial radio. He said that he's heard that story a million times and he's tired of it. Howard said that there are just too many people who don't know that the story isn't true so he has to tell it a few times to get the point across. He can't make the show perfect for everyone all the time. Howard said that he tends to overreact when certain things happen to him and he thinks it's the end of the world. That's when he screams and yells about stuff but he can't laugh some of that stuff off.
Howard took a call from a guy in North Carolina who told him how great the show is. Howard said that's the kind of thing he likes and it's the reason he doesn't want to go back to terrestrial radio. He likes that people anywhere in the country can pick up the show.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what she missed with the Artie and Dana story. Howard told her that Dana did send Artie a letter. He had Artie talk about that letter but Artie was feeling kind of gay giving an update like that. He said that she sent him a 4 page letter and a lot of it is personal so he doesn't want to talk about that stuff.
Artie said he was nervous when he got the letter. It took him a little while to open it actually. He said that she still wants to be together if they can work things out. Greg said it's interesting that the letter came at the time when Artie is supposed to go out on the road and have some fun. Artie said he's going to try and go see a shrink next week to see what happens. He hasn't taken made an appointment yet though. He said he's hoping that he runs into one at the Yankee game tonight.
Artie is going to try and work things out with Dana and going to the shrink is one of the things he has to do. Howard has a guy who he will recommend for Artie but it's not his shrink. Greg said that he was going to a shrink that was really helping him out but he had to stop when a friend went to him and said that the guy got on the ground and started acting like a dog playing with stuff on the floor. Greg said that he had a few road rage incidents in the matter of a few weeks and was trying to straighten himself out on there. He said he can really lose it and go nuts when he does lose it.
Artie said he knows of a few intellectual comedians who get really upset over little things. He said they will pick fights with people who can beat the crap out of them. Greg said that happened to him, he picked a fight with a guy who used to be in the Israeli army. He ended up getting picked up, spun around and dropped on the tables in the front row. He had a dislocated vertebra in his neck but continued to do the show that night.
Greg said he once broke a pool stick over his brother's head too. Howard asked him about the road rage thing where he punched in a window of a car. Greg said that the guy whose window he broke was actually a neighbor of his. He said the guy came over to him a few weeks later and let him know it was him. He had no idea because he didn't see him in the car. Greg it always happens when someone cuts him off in traffic. He hasn't gone back to a therapist since he left that one guy.
Artie said that Nick DiPaolo is another guy who has a lot of anger and gets pissed off really easy. Howard said he knows a guy who screwed up his career by going on coke and just lost his girlfriend because he won't go to a shrink... He was talking about Artie so Artie gave him a fun ''fuck you.'' Howard went on to play the cover of ''Desperado'' called ''Dana Dumped You.'' He also played the Wack Pack Feedback bit that he played earlier in the morning. Howard gave Greg some plugs for some upcoming gigs and his web site GregFitzsimmons.com. Greg said he's also on Myspace under Fitzdog.
Artie ended up goofing on Jeff the Drunk a little more since he was in that Wack Pack Feedback thing. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard had George Flowers and Jon Hein come in to give their show previews. George mentioned the stories that Lisa G had mentioned earlier in the morning. Jon Hein also gave his quick rundown of what they would be talking about on The Wrap Up Show. He said they'll be talking about Shy Love and Dennis Rodman's visit. Mary Jo Buttafuoco's call will also be discussed among other things. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard ended up talking about the advice he gave JD at Robin's party last weekend because he was drinking so much. He said he told him he can have just a couple of drinks instead of gulping down a bunch of Jack and Cokes. JD said he didn't feel he was totally belligerent like some people were claiming. Howard said that it's fine to drink but he shouldn't drink so much.
JD said he doesn't really like drinking so he'll be sober when he goes down to the Hedonism thing. He said he was drinking because he wanted to be more social. Robin said that it doesn't seem to help. Gary told Howard that Sal is upset that he stops to talk to JD in the morning and not to him. Howard wondered how something like that comes about. Sal said that Richard made that up. Richard came in and said that Sal is always asking him if Howard stopped to talk to him because he's so paranoid about him not talking to him.
Gary said that when Howard got mad at them earlier, Sal got into a real funk over it. He was afraid that Howard really wanted him to go home.
Jeff the Drunk called in to ask Howard why he never pulls him aside to talk to him. He was just joking around but Artie yelled at him for calling him an asshole in that Wack Pack Feedback thing earlier. It turns out Jeff is upset that Artie changed his phone number and didn't tell him about it. Jeff said he was having the time of his life calling him and he took that all away from him.
Wendy the Retard called in and said that she was watching Friday the 13th and listening to Howard. She also said that her birthday is next Monday. She claims she's going to be 26 years old. She's going out drinking with her friends that night.
Richard said he called Wendy the other day to do a bit with him but her mother answered and said that she was up all night watching all of the Friday the 13th movies and eating. Artie thought that sounded pretty cool, eating and watching movies all night.
Artie was telling the guys that the rock he bought for Dana that he never ended up giving to her, cost him about forty grand. He said that the guy who sold it to him took it back. That got the guys talking about the ring that Beth has which isn't an engagement ring or anything like that. Howard said that Beth told him that she loves engagement rings and she'd love to just have one to wear without actually getting engaged. He said it's up to her but he might only spend about 10 grand on one. He wanted to cut that conversation off and have Robin get to her news.
Gary was trying to get a hold of Star and/or Buck Wild from the Star and Buck Wild show to talk about the story from earlier in the morning. He said he spoke to an intern at the station they worked at and Buck Wild hasn't been with the show, but they kept his name on the show. Howard said that's nuts but Will came in and said that they have an intern there who confirmed the story. That guy Star apparently owns the name and was rotating through Buck Wilds but didn't have one when he was suspended. Artie said that it sounds more and more like the worst radio show ever. Howard had Robin get back to her news since it was getting so late.
Gary came back in and said that he just got another report that they were trying to fire Buck Wild but he ended up just not coming back one day, he just disappeared. He said he read some other stuff on Wikipedia about the guys and they went through a couple of different Buck Wilds on that show. The first one was Star's brother but he was replaced with someone else.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Star was known as Buck Wild when he was working for a magazine so he brought that name along with him when he went on radio. Gary came back in and said that Star used his name Buck Wild as an alter ego but then they brought a guy in to play the part. That would be like Howard doing his Mama Lookaboobooday character and bringing in a guy to play the part one day. That led to Howard doing his Mama character and cracking Greg Fitzsimmons up. They ended the show at around 11:35am.
Howard was off today so we had Jon Hein, Gary Dell'Abate and Ralph. Gary actually showed up a couple of minutes late. Jon said that Ralph had a whole speech prepared for Gary but he showed up just as they were getting on the air. Jon mentioned the stuff they had to play today. He then went on to play a clip from a recent show where Howard and the crew argued about the lyrics in AC/DC's ''Highway to Hell.'' Read about that segment here.
Jon and the guys talked about that bit for a minute. Jon quickly moved on to play a clip where Robin talked about her guest list and how Sal wasn't going to be on it if Howard didn't want him there. The guys talked about that segment for a short time and pointed out that Artie was claiming that he was going to show up to the party with Dana even though they were actually broken up at the time.
Gary told a story about Benjy since it was mentioned in that segment that they had just played. Benjy had some night terrors when he stayed over at Stuttering John's house one time.
Jon played a clip from this week where Howard and the guys discussed JD getting drunk at Robin's party. After the clip the guys talked about JD a little bit. Ralph said that JD really looked like Napoleon Dynamite when he was drunk at the party. He also brought up how Artie was dressed like it was winter when he was at the party.
In the clip Howard explains to Hervé what they were doing and why he was brought down to his size. He was trying to emulate the Dorf on Golf type of thing so he'd look short. Howard ended up talking to his staff about the awful costume he had and why it wasn't working for him. Howard talked to Hervé about the money he used to make working on Fantasy Island and some of the other work that he'd done in his career. He claimed that he was owed a lot of money from Fantasy Island. He told Howard that he found out about his divorce when he read it in the paper one day. After the interview Howard went into a live commercial that he had to do for the show back then.
Ralph and Gary talked about the commercial that Howard had to read back then which was for a collectible coin. Gary said that Hervé tried to pocket the coin after the commercial so they had to ask for it back. Gary was also talking about the bad set up they had for that bit. It wasn't a first class operation over there at Channel 9. The guys also talked about how Howard was making fun of Hervé's pronunciation of ''Forbidden Zone'' which Howard thought sounded like ''For-Be-Ten-Zone.''
Jon and the guys went to break and played a prank that Sal pulled on a woman who called the wrong number and got him on the line.
After the clip Ralph said that the woman didn't skip a beat with Beetlejuice even though he had just taken a dump before coming in the studio. She took his balls on her forehead with no problem. Gary said that Beet was locked in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before he went in the studio. Sal went into the bathroom and took Beet's shit-stained boxers into the studio and ended up having Richard put them on his head. Jon played that clip as well.
Richard said that he went out and bought a surround sound system with the $500 he got from Howard that day. The guys talked about how weird and disgusting that whole segment was. Richard said that he used to do that kind of stuff when he was in school and it made him laugh back then so that's why he does it now. Jon said that it's crazy how many of these things Richard has already done. Richard said when he lived out in Kansas, they didn't have much to do so they entertained themselves by doing stuff like that. Jon told Richard that he and Sal bring a new element to the show.
After playing the clip the guys talked about when Howard broke his own no-cursing rule at the time and called her an F'ing C. Gary also talked about how irritated he got when the In Demand guys came out with the camera and stuck it in her face. They claimed that they were only shooting Gary though.
Gary told a story about how he will eventually forget about that happening and he'll probably go up to her one day not remembering that it happened and she'll blow him off. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon and Gary talked about how they only get about 4-5 hours of sleep each night. Ralph said that he has to get 8 hours or he's useless.
Ralph had the guys play a quick clip where Howard was complaining about the noise he heard when he was on vacation down in Miami recently. They spent a few seconds
Jon played the clip where Howard introduced Robin, Fred and a few other people. Then he introduced ''Boy Gary'' as he was known back then. Howard said that he was already impressed with Boy Gary's work over Boy Lee's work. He said that he hired him based on what some other people there told him about him. Howard and Robin asked Gary about his Italian background because Robin had pointed out that he looked a bit ''swarthy.''
Howard talked to Boy Gary about his last name, which he pronounced different back then. It was ''DELL-a-bait'' instead of ''Dell-ah-BAH-tay.'' Howard figured that Gary was a hard worker and may even have calluses on his hands. Gary told Howard he'd never worked any construction jobs or anything like that. Howard also pointed out that he looked like one of the guys from Hall and Oates.
Howard and Robin were goofing on Gary about something he had screwed up. Gary also revealed that he had gone to Adelphi University and got goofed on about that as well. Howard told Gary that he would get tons of girlfriend having that job. Gary didn't have a girlfriend at the time and he thought the job was going to keep him from getting chicks. They talked about Gary being circumcised.
Jon said that he didn't know where to start with that clip. Gary sounded very scared when he was on the air back then. He had his giant moustache back then and also sounded kind of effeminate with a strange lisp. Ralph said that Robin always sounds the same in those old clips but Howard sounds very different. Ralph said he liked when Gary had to explain himself when he screwed things up.
Ralph asked what was up with the ''earthdog'' reference for Fred. Gary said that it came from a reference on the show which was about white-trash kind of people who listened to the show. Howard saw it on some kind of chart and gave it to Fred.
One caller said that he liked Gary calling himself Gary ''DELL-a-bait.'' Gary explained how his family used to pronounce it that way but Howard started calling him by the correct pronunciation which was ''Dell-ah-BAH-tay.'' Jon took another call from a guy who wondered who was clapping in the background there. Gary said it was Howard, Robin and Fred. They also had the drum and cymbal in the studio that they used to play once in a while. Gary said he was very proud the first day he got to carry that into the studio.
Jon said that the segment just kept going and going and it was getting better and better until Yucko the Clown came in with his racist comment. He said that Howard and the guys had a lot of fun with that.
Lisa G came in with some news headlines that they'll be covering on Howard 100 News today. She quickly ran through those for the guys.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked for the guys to play the bit where Mark the Bagger called a muffler shop. Jon said that he'd have the guys get that ready to play later.
Jon and the guys talked about how crazy things were that day. Ralph said that it was great when Bubba kept shocking Sal even after he had fallen to the floor. Richard said that he had a lot of energy that day after he got shocked but that wore off about 2 hours later and his balls really hurt. Sal said that it was worth it for the show but not for the shocking he got. He said he felt like Richard did with the euphoria immediately after but then the crash a couple of hours later.
Sal said that if Gary had the controller for that thing, he would have kept shocking him. Ralph got shocked on Bubba's show the day before so he knew how painful it could be just on his arm. Sal said he went home that day and tossed off a batch just to make sure things worked down there.
Jon said he thinks that may have been one of Benjy's best moments on the show. Gary said he usually hates Benjy's high screech sound but in that bit it worked. He also said that Dice left him a message that weekend so he had Richard play that. In that call Dice tells Gary that he's actually got respect for Benjy for standing up to him. He renamed Benjy Triple B... ''Big Bald Benjy.''
Jon played the clip from WNBC where Howard interviewed Frank. Frank talked about a bunch of things that were going on back then. Frank ended up using the S-word which led to them talking about the FCC. Frank said that the FCC is supposed to be there to make sure the bandwidth of the station isn't overriding another station, they're not there to stop people from using certain words. They talked about a bunch of other things and Howard asked Frank to play ''Louie Louie'' with him. After taking a commercial break Howard and Frank performed a few seconds of ''Louie Louie'' with Howard on piano and Frank on guitar. Frank told Howard that he really appreciated his show and was glad that they had something like that on the air.
Jon said that Frank was right about some of the stuff he was talking about in that interview. Frank questioned everything out there and a lot of stuff he brought up was very prolific. He was talking about the FCC and that was before Howard even had any problems with the FCC. Frank was also saying that it was nice to hear a live show like that and that they didn't have any 7 second delay there. Gary said that was funny because that's all they had in the last few years of Howard's show on terrestrial radio.
Ralph thinks that if Frank was still alive, he'd probably have a show there on SIRIUS and he'd be going into those long rants about all of that stuff there.
Jon took a phone call from a guy who asked where the Sulu Dance was. He thought that maybe they couldn't play it anymore. Gary told him that they can play it, it was given to them by Kidd Chris when he was out of work a couple of years ago. Richard started to play it but Jon told him to hold onto that until they were going to break.
After playing that clip Ralph said he likes how everyone has a perception of how Howard feels about Fred. He was also saying he can't believe that Fred feels the way he does because he's been with Howard from the beginning. Gary said that maybe it's because things have been watered down over the years and it's not just Howard and Fred anymore.
The next segment was ''The Best of Fred'' which is one of Ralph's favorite bits. They pulled a clip from Robin's news where Fred was playing some great sound effects while she was reading a story about a guy who had been sodomized. Ralph said he doesn't know how Robin keeps going on with her news while Fred is playing audio clips which are very distracting.
Ralph had another Best of Fred clip where Fred played some audio clips while Howard and Beth were talking about the massage she got down in Miami when they were on vacation. There was another clip where Fred did his Herman Munster impression when Nicole Bass came in for a quick visit.
Ralph said that he loves that Fred was playing clips and doing the Nicole Bass impression at the same time. Gary thought it was funny how Fred's impression is better than Nicole's impression of herself.
Gary said that these things aren't really clever, they're just brutal. The Dice bunny sounded like Joe Pesci to Gary. Ralph said he's not sure how the call would work on the stern show. He said it would be good to share with friends because he was laughing at it. Sal said that they thought hat having Dice as a bunny was pretty clever. Sal actually played the part of Andy Dice Cottontail.
Jon said that everyone was in on that prank except for Sal. That's what made that bit so great. Sal didn't even know it was a prank when Howard was explaining the prank to him. Ralph said that it's funny because Sal is always goofing on people and he should have realized he was being goofed on.
Sal said that he had a feeling that Howard was goofing on him about the script thing but the rest of it made sense to him. Sal said that everything started falling into place for him when certain things were said. Gary said they only fell into place because Sal led them there.
Jon took a phone call from a guy who said that they have to give Sal a break. They did some great ad libbing when they were goofing on him. Ralph had even called in that morning and helped them goof on Sal. Jon had to go to break after that discussion.
Jon and the guys talked about that clip and how some of the stuff Wendy was saying was just killing them. They moved on and changed subjects to Carmen Electra. They pulled a couple of clips from her recent interview where she claims that she has masturbated while thinking about Howard. She also talked about getting waxed. There was also a discussion about how Howard and Carmen ended up in a shower together.
Jon wrapped up the show after that. They all thanked a few people who have helped them out with the Friday Show. They ended the show around 10:30am.