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Howard started off the show saying that he's on the front page of the Daily News this morning. He didn't think it would be on the front page of the paper and he doesn't really want to talk about it, but now he'll have to. He said that he was trying to disappear by moving to satellite but he can't seem to do that now.
Howard said that his prediction on Sharon Stone's movie ''Basic Instinct 2'' did just as he predicted. He said it would only make about a million at the box office and it only pulled in $3.2 million. It cost $70 million to make it.
Howard said that what should have been on the front page of the paper is that Artie is up $8,000 in bets. Artie said it's actually $8,200 to be totally correct. Howard said that Artie was looking very happy this morning too. Artie told Howard and Robin how he got up there but Howard interrupted and said that this is the one time Artie has won but he's lost so many times in the past that it doesn't really matter.
Artie said he's going to let the $8,200 ride on tonight's game. Howard said Artie told him that he's letting that money ride for the fans. He figures it's not his money so he's just going to let it all ride. Artie then went on to say that he had gotten a $4,200 win from his bookie and he was going to stop there. He said he got pulled back into betting again by a friend of his. He was told that he had a guy who would take bets on teasers which means that he has to bet on like 4 games and win all of them. Howard pointed out that Artie was the cornerstone of the KC intervention a few years ago. Artie told him that KC was out of control back then. He apparently thinks that he's not out of control.
Artie explained the teaser bets a little more but Howard still didn't understand what he was talking about. Artie explained it again and started to go on and on about the betting but Howard asked if anyone had seen The Sopranos this weekend because he had missed it. Everyone said they saw it and it was another great episode. Artie then got back to his betting discussion and explained how he ended up winning all of that money. Howard got a little sidetracked when Artie mentioned George Mason University. Howard wanted to know who George Mason was and why they named a university after him. Gary came up with an answer and quickly told him about that.
No one seemed to care much about Artie's explanation so they kept interrupting him. Howard said that he was zoning out on this explanation, probably the same way Artie zones out on his American Idol discussions. Gary said that he was interested in this and a lot of people out there probably are as well. He said that ''everybody'' watched the games that Artie was talking about so everyone knew what he was talking about. Robin said that she and Howard had no idea what he was talking about because they didn't watch those games.
Artie explained the whole story and how he got the $8,200 which he's now going to let ride on tonight's basketball game. He said that he actually needs some help with the bet. He was hoping that he could have Scott Ferrall call in so he could ask for his advice. Howard told Gary to get Ferrall on the phone so they could ask him about this stuff.
Howard congratulated him on his win even though he's not on the front page of the Daily News today. He then took a call from a guy who said that he could end up losing all of that money with a sucker bet tonight. The guys said that Artie doesn't really care if he wins or loses, he just wants to have fun doing it.
Howard explained how he isn't satisfied with the 4 million subscribers they have there at SIRIUS but meanwhile, he's thrilled that they've added so many since he started there. He said that he wouldn't be satisfied even if they announced they had 20 million subscribers. He said that's his neurosis working on him. He was laughing when he told the reporter, Josh, about how screwed up he is and how he's not happy with the 4 million. Howard said that these reporters are so 'fuckin gay' for twisting the story the way they are. Now the story is all over the place and out of context.
Howard said that he's not whining like everyone is claiming he was, he was laughing when he said it. He played some audio from FOX and Friends and said that he was going to walk over there right now and confront them about the way they were twisting the story around. One of the reporters was saying that Howard's anger was being pointed toward this one woman specifically because she hadn't gone out to get her radio yet.
Howard said that he is not disappointed with the number of people they have, he would like to have more, but he's very happy that they have 4 million subscribers. He said he knew that they would find a way to twist that story around.
The woman in the audio clip was talking about how hard she thinks it would be hard to hook up the radio so she's been holing off on buying one for herself. The reporters were basically saying that they think that free stuff sounds better than stuff you pay for, just like free food tastes better. The Stern fan on there said that she actually won an F-Emmy one year for her choking on a peanut on the air. She seemed to be pretty happy about that.
Howard and the guys were goofing on this guy Julian who is on Fox and Friends because he seems like such a nerd. They were saying that he seems like the kind of black guy who can't do a lay up or dance. Robin said that if you put glasses on the guy, he would be Erkel.
Howard played some other news reports where the reporters twisted the story around saying that Howard calling his fans cheap probably wouldn't sell radios. He had a bunch of reports where the reporters got the quotes wrong. He corrected each one of them saying that he never said what they're claiming he said.
Howard was telling Scott that Artie was taking notes and writing stuff down in his notebook. Artie said that he was just taking notes on the game and he's going to be putting that $8,200 on the over. Scott was telling Artie that he's nuts for putting that kind of money on the over. He said that's the kind of thing that breaks up families and stuff. Artie said that he can afford to lose that money and that's the sad thing about the game.
Ferrall was giving Artie some suggestions on where to put his money but it sounds like Artie is going to just let it stay on one game. Ferrall was telling Howard about his weekend out but Howard wrapped up with him a short time later. You can hear more of Ferrall on Howard 101 from 8pm to Midnight each weeknight.
Howard took a call from a guy and asked him if he could follow all of that stuff that Artie and Ferrall were talking about. The caller said that he was lost, so was Howard. Howard and the guys spent a few more minutes talking about Artie's betting and about Ferrall's discussion with him about it.
Gary came in and said that he had a meeting in Howard's office the other day and noticed a huge, wall sized picture of Howard and Beth together. Howard cut him off and said that he had done a photo shoot with Beth and they gave him that poster sized picture. He didn't have anywhere to hang the picture so he decided to bring it into work and hang it in his office. Gary said that he wasn't able to concentrate in the meeting because everyone was looking at it.
Howard said he's thinking about getting rid of the picture. He knows that it's too big but he doesn't know what else to do with it. Robin said that they used to give her a hard time about the portrait of herself that she used to keep in her house. It wasn't as big as this thing that Howard is talking about.
Howard said that he was just trying the picture out on the wall to see how it looked. Now he knows that it's too big. He said that he was dating a woman before Beth and that woman gave him an artsie picture of herself kind of nude but you could barely tell who it was. Once he started dating Beth he wondered if he should take it down. It was up for a long time but he eventually took it down thinking that Beth might get upset if she knew who it was. Now he thinks that Toni (his hair stylist) told Beth who it was and why he took it down.
The guys from In Demand shot the poster from his office and showed that to Robin. Robin said that there is no room big enough for that picture. She also said that's the kind of picture that you put up when you're promoting a movie or something. Howard said that he loves Beth so much that he loves that picture.
Howard pointed out another picture of Beth he has in his office of Beth. It's so hot that he's almost beat off to it until he remembered that he could go home and bang her instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was at the Roast last week and really enjoyed himself. He also said that Howard looks good in Entertainment Weekly. Howard said he enjoyed the article and thought that Josh did a good job even though the press has picked up on part of the story and took it out of context. He got back into that discussion again and explained what he was really saying in the article. He replayed one of the audio clips and then had to take a break.
Howard said that they suspended Dave for those two days and took away all of his sidekicks. They also took away the music he would play during the show and told him that's not okay anymore. They've stripped it down to nothing. Howard read that they sent Dave a couple of notes, which Howard had gotten back then when he was there, and threatened not to pay him if he fails to comply with their requests.
Howard said that he predicts that when Katie Couric makes her move to CBS, they will eventually destroy her career and fire her when they see that she doesn't bring in any ratings. They will figure out a way not to pay her once that happens. This is Leslie Moonves' management style according to Howard. He said that they're not giving David Lee Roth a chance to build up an audience over time.
Howard read from one of the articles about David's problems. In the article they say that Roth doesn't want to quit but he's been getting letters from CBS lawyers telling him he's got to change the show. He's going to comply with them only because they're threatening to fire him or take some disciplinary action on him.
Howard said that his Howard 100 News department tracked Dave down and interviewed him. Steve Langford got a hold of Dave when he came out of the CBS studios. Dave sounded like a beaten man in the tape. Steve said that CBS has taken away his sidekicks and music and he's been told to read news copy during the show. Steve said that David reading news is like Steve Langford doing Van Halen. David thinks that they're going to find some way to get rid of him and that's obvious to him. He's taken a beating and whoever takes over for him will be compared to him like he was compared to Stern. Roth says he won't quit and they'll have to peel him off like a bumper sticker.
Howard said that they have a picture of Artie's betting notes up on HowardStern.com. He then took a call from a guy who said that Howard should have a press conference about the stuff that he was talking about earlier with Entertainment Weekly. The guy said that he knew before he talked about it that Howard wasn't whining about people not joining SIRIUS. He thinks that it's really bad press but Howard said there's not much he can do and it doesn't matter.
The caller asked Howard if he watched Tori Spelling's show over the weekend. Howard said he missed it but he'll get a copy and watch it. He said that he has seen the latest Surreal Life and it's very strange. He talked about how Tawny Kitaen should stop wearing belly shirts. He spent a minute on that and then had Lisa G come in.
Lisa said they'll be talking about Bubba's big appearance down in Tampa over the weekend. There was also a big birthday party for Richard Christy over the weekend and Fred's band played there. Howard said he wasn't invited. Richard came in and said that he asked Howard to come to it but he said he was busy. Robin wondered why she wasn't invited. Richard said that she doesn't usually do things like that so he didn't bother asking. Howard let Lisa go a short time later after she mentioned that they'll have a new installment of Jason and Will's ''Page 69'' gossip segment.
Howard played a local news report where they talked about how he was approached by a deranged fan who threatened him and his girlfriend. They said that Howard and Beth were ambushed and chased down around 8pm on Saturday night. It was a 50 year old guy who was screaming and flailing his arms around. The guy apparently threatened their lives. Howard called the police and about a dozen police showed up to find the guy. They found him a short time later and Howard identified him from inside an unmarked car. The guy was arrested and held on bail.
Howard said that the story was fairly accurate. He said some of the details were a little off. He said that what happened was that he went to dinner about 4 or 5 blocks from his apartment. When they left around 8pm they decided to walk because it was so nice out. It was dark out and what appeared to be a homeless guy approached him and mumbled something. The guy was getting into his space and he couldn't understand what he was saying. Beth got a little freaked out and the guy got angrier and angrier. He wouldn't stop so he turned to Beth and said that it was going to be a situation and told her to run away and he would take care of it. She refused to leave and grabbed his hand telling him to move faster.
Howard said that the guy appeared to be on something but he's really not sure. He told the guy to calm down but that made things worse. Beth was thinking very clearly and told him to get into a cab with her. The guy was cursing them out and circling them so Beth got into the cab. He spun around to see where the guy was and the next thing he knew was that Beth was crying in the cab. He hopped in and the guy started to chase them down. It turns out that the guy spit in her face and got it in her eyes and mouth. He said that the guy was a mess and the cab driver was freaked out as well so he had the cabbie drive them home.
Howard called 911 and had them come down to help find this guy. Beth went up to the apartment and took a shower to get the guy's spit off of her. He said that the cops told him he handled the situation the right way. The cops went to the area where they thought the guy might be hanging out. Howard said he wanted to go look this guy in the face so he went with the cops and tried to find the guy. He said that there were a bunch of guys hanging out there and a bunch of guys had a similar look. He wanted to be right so they eventually tracked down a guy who turned out to be the right guy. Beth came down and checked the guy out and confirmed that it was him.
Howard said that the guy wasn't a fan and he's not sure why reporters are saying that he is one. He was just some deranged guy who approached them on the street and verbally and then physically attacked them. The article even threw in that story about him complaining about not having more fans following him there at SIRIUS.
Gary came in and said that the WB 11 news team is out waiting to speak to him. Howard said that he just wants this whole thing to go away so he's not going to talk to them. He said that if he wants to talk about something like this, he's going to do it on the air, and that's just what he did. He said that he was just being a good Samaritan when he called the police so he could get this guy off the street.
Howard said that the guy in the Daily News had the story down pretty good. The guy didn't appear to be a fan but he did seem to think that he should be involved with him and when he just kept walking, the got pissed and chased them down. Howard said that he wasn't a ''shocked jock'' as described, he said he just dealt with the problem. He said that if he had known that the guy had spit on her before getting into the cab, there's no telling what he would have done. He said he was thinking of carrying some Chinese throwing stars with him to take care of people like that. He does have a carry license for a gun but he's not sure he could kill a man.
Howard said he's not sure how the cops caught this guy so he was very thankful for what they did. He wasn't sure they wanted their individual names given out because he does have them. He was also hoping that the story would just go away. He had no idea that it would be on the front cover of the paper.
Artie thought it was odd how the Daily News had the story and the NY Post didn't mention it at all. It's apparently an exclusive with the Daily News. Gary came in and said that the story was posted on SternFanNetwork by 9:38 on Saturday night. That's how fast the story was out there.
Howard said that he had to call his mother that night because he figured that she would freak out if she read it in the paper. He said that she was very upset about the whole thing even though he told her that no one was hurt. Artie asked Howard ''So the rumors that it was Double A are untrue?''
Howard said that he wants to be left alone with all of this and doesn't want his own news team covering the story. He said he moved to satellite hoping to get away from all of the coverage. That's not going to happen though.
Another caller asked if this guy knew who he was. Howard said the guy did call him by his name but everything else he was saying was pretty much unintelligible. He said that describing him as a fan is far from the truth. Robin had some questions for Howard but he didn't want her asking. Robin said that if this had happened to Fred, he would be pushing for Howard 100 News to cover it. Because it's Howard, he doesn't want his own news team to cover the story. Robin finds that kind of odd.
Benjy asked Howard if he made out with Beth even more that night because of what happened. Howard said that's absolutely what he did. He kissed her to show that he wasn't going to stop kissing her just because some guy spit on her. A phone caller asked if the guy was white or an African American. Howard said the guy was African American... but he's not even sure he's American.
Howard mentioned that he didn't tell the 911 operator that the guy was black. He wasn't even thinking about that until she asked him if he was white, black or Hispanic. He thinks that either shows that he's not racist or that he is very racist because he just assumed that she knew he was black. Howard told Gary that he's not going to be out in the halls talking to Howard 100 News today.
Howard said that he was listening to the Red Peters show last week and thought it was great. He was playing one song called ''Fuck Yourself'' and thought it was pretty funny. He had no idea it was Frank Zappa singing it. Fred played the song and Howard sat through the whole thing. Robin said she liked it as well. Howard pointed out that Frank died way back in 1993 but he actually had a World Wide Web reference in the song. He thought that was pretty interesting. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
After the break Howard brought in this guy Ivan Thompson who runs a business where he hooks guys up with Mexican woman. He's known as ''Cowboy Cupid'' as well. The guy came in wearing an air purifier around his neck that was making a hissing sound. The guy said it works well because he hasn't come down with AIDS or the Bird Flu in the past few days. He said his doctor got it for him because he was going to a place where there is a lot of pollution.
Ivan also told Howard that he will be keeping all of this clothes on today. The guy is 64 years old and said that his friends tell him he doesn't look a day over 63 1/2. He told Howard that his business is all about finding Mexican women for his clients. He said that he had a wife who didn't fit him. He said he doesn't like to speak badly about someone if they're not there to defend themselves. He didn't want to say anything about his ex-wife and clammed up when Howard asked him about her.
Howard asked Ivan about this business and why someone would want a Mexican woman. He said that they're ''...more home orientated and more family orientated.'' He was also saying that the woman range from very pretty to pretty ugly. He used to have a bit of a catalog of these women, now he's taking phone calls and matching people up himself. He said that a lot of the Mexican women have kids already. He said he had a Mexican wife for 9 years but she got Americanized and became the boss of the house, office, kids and everything else so he got a divorce.
Ivan said that he's been living down in Mexico and has a nice woman he's been seeing down there. He was also saying that hooking guys up with Mexican women will cost someone about $3,000 but that include a few days down in Mexico with all expenses paid. Howard asked Ivan if he could hook him up with a 20 year old down there. Ivan said he'd have to hook him up with his associate David Copperfield to help him get a 20 year old. He'd need a magician to make that happen.
Ivan told Howard that the wife he had ended up having 4 kids that he didn't know about. He said that she had 2 kids when he met her but he later found out that she had 4 kids. He said that just about overloaded his boat when that all came out. He said he knows that there are probably a lot of nice American women out there, he just hasn't run into any of them yet.
Howard asked if there are any tall Mexican's. Ivan said that there are a lot of tall Mexicans and American's have a view of them that's just wrong. He forgot to bring pictures with him of the women he has down there in Mexico.
Howard gave Ivan a plug for his Documentary ''Cowboy Del Amore'' which is available through Netflix.com. Gary came in and told Howard that Ivan's house cost him just $6,200 and his water bill is only $3 a year. Ivan corrected him and said that the water is $3 a month, not a year. They also just raised the price of water to $3.25 and he was kind of upset about that. He said that his house is 10 rooms and it's an adobe house that has 19 inch thick walls. It's a great house for the money according to Ivan.
A caller told Howard that a lot of the girls are 3 input girls. Howard asked Ivan if that is true. Ivan said he's no sex expert so he's not sure about that. Howard went on to talk to Ivan about the women down there. Robin asked how long the courtship is supposed to last. Ivan didn't really answer those questions though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this guy is not giving a good representation of Mexico. The $6,200 house is probably out in the middle of nowhere down there. There are some expensive places to live down there. Howard said there's nothing wrong with what this guy is doing, he's helping guys find women that they might not find normally. He wrapped up with Ivan a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard said they missed it on Friday, Anna Benson thinks that her husband Kris Benson cheated on her and now she wants a divorce. Howard read an article about the break up and talked about how Kris must be pissed at her because she's such a loud mouth. Anna once said on Howard's show that if she ever caught her husband cheating, she would sleep with all of his teammates. Howard said it should be a pretty good deal for her, she'll be single and have a lot of money.
Howard said that Matt Leblanc is also getting divorced and he hasn't been married all that long. He's been with her for just 3 years and she was a former lingerie model. Howard said that guy could get a current lingerie model if he wanted. He's not sure what's going on there. Howard said the guy is weird because he once apologized to his wife for groping a stripper one time and he did it through an article in the paper or something wacky like that.
Howard pointed out that Russell Simmons is also getting divorced and spent a minute talking about that. He took a phone call a short time later from a guy who asked him if Beth has jumped the shark since getting spit on the face. Howard said that she hasn't jumped the shark as far as he's concerned, he's more in love with her than ever. He told the caller that the guy spitting on her didn't change anything.
Robin said that Dave had Paris Hilton on the show and she didn't have anything to say to him while Sandra would actually have something to say. Howard changed subjects and said that he saw a picture of Britney Spears in the paper over the weekend and she's fatter than ever. He said she knows that she just had a baby but she's always holding a big gulp soda in her hands.
Howard said that one of his favorite appearances is when Sandra came on and talked about sleeping with Jay Leno. Sandra said that she's done with that show and Jay will never have her on again because of that. Howard thought that he had her on after she told the story but Sandra said that's not true and he won't have her on ever again. She said she doesn't care because he's just a big ''jughead... phony... bullshit... Hollywood, crackwhore fuck.''
Sandra told Howard that she did her own show on satellite back about 6 years ago and she really didn't think hat the service was going to make it. She said it wasn't ready back then. Howard didn't think it was ready about 5 years ago either. Now it's ready for main stream. Sandra said that's because the checks are rolling in for him. Howard told her that regular radio used to be fun until the FCC got involved, now that they're not involved with him, he's enjoying doing radio again.
Howard said he read a story about Sandra being on a film set in Budapest and let a masseuse finger her as she pretended to be asleep. She said she was doing the shoot for ''Hudson Hawk,'' which turned out to be a disaster. Howard asked her if she has enough money to live off of without working. Sandra said that she needs a job where she makes like $10 or $20 million a year. She's not looking for Howard Stern money, she just wants something big. Artie thought that she could have made some good money on Roseanne but she said she wasn't on every episode so she didn't make all that much.
Sandra got back to her massage story and said that there were a bunch of guys who were doing the massages and none of them were really attractive. It was a very cheap massage and the guy who was doing it was very non-descript according to Sandra. She said she kept her panties on and he managed to work his way past that. She said he wasn't even that aggressive with the massage. He was barely touching her skin. The next thing she knew, he was down below and started to work her clit. She ended up having an orgasm from that. She pretended that nothing was happening and let him keep going. She said that she wasn't afraid that he was going to mount her or anything. She just laid there and let him work her. Sandra said she may have raised herself up a little bit to let him get his hand in there. The weirdness of it made it kind of hot for her.
Howard asked Sandra if she's still with the same chick she's been with for a while. Sandra said that she has been with her for a long time and she's still with her. She said that she's actually kind of mean to her because she threatens her about even looking at other women. She said that she's very hot and Howard has seen pictures of her before. Howard said he'd like to see Sandra and her girlfriend get it on.
Sandra is doing a one woman show on Broadway right now and she does 7 shows a week with Monday's off. She said that she gets into bra and panties on stage and she has no problem doing that.
Artie was talking about the movie ''The King of Comedy'' and that led to them talking about an upcoming roast of Jerry Lewis. Artie said he thinks he's invited to that one. Sandra said she runs away from stuff like that because she doesn't like doing them. She was invited to do the Pamela Anderson roast and she's glad she didn't do it.
Sandra asked Howard about the plastic surgery he had done and if he trusts his doctor Daniel Baker. Howard said he just had a little trim done on his nose and some fat sucked out of his neck. He said that was done back in the 90s and it's been a while since then.
Sandra said that she and her girlfriend will sometimes pick up a man and have sex with the guy. She told Howard that they will find a guy that they both like and do that. Howard thought that was pretty cool and spent a minute talking to her about that. He wrapped up a short time later and gave her a plug for her show ''Everything Bad and Beautiful'' which runs through May 28th at the Darrell Roth Theater. She wants Howard and Robin to come down and see her one night.
Howard asked Sandra if she could bang him alone. She said that he might be able to watch the two of them mess around with each other to get aroused and then do the both of them. Howard said that sounds pretty crazy and asked if there were any rules about kissing and stuff. She said there are no rules.
Howard said that he's going to talk to the guys over at Letterman's show about why they don't have Sandra on anymore. Sandra said she needs help because no one will have her on these days. She loves Letterman and he won't have her on. Even Ellen Degeneres doesn't have her on. Howard asked her how her relationship is with her father. She said that isn't going very well either. She said that he won't even allow her to bring up her mother when they have a discussion. Sandra said that he's a very angry man.
Sandra said that her father is a proctologist and he once gave her a proctology exam that she didn't think he should have given her. She said that he should have brought her to another doctor. They spent a short time on that and then Howard wrapped up the interview and went to break.
Gary came in and said that Ralph has an arrogant way of dealing with people and you can hear it in the audio clip. Howard played the clip where Ralph was talking about not getting the e-mail that everyone else gets. Gary blamed Ralph for not knowing they had a show because he's not set up with the e-mail.
Howard said that the two of them ended up arguing about other stuff like a married couple. Ralph said that Gary doesn't seem to respect his value to the show but Howard does. Ralph thinks that Gary doesn't respect anything that he does. That's when Gary said that anything he does is done half assed. There were a couple of F-yous thrown around during the conversation as well.
Howard played another clip where Gary offered to let Ralph take over for him for a week so they could watch the show crumble. Gary said that Ralph makes it seem like he's left out of everything when it's his own fault for not checking his e-mail.
Jon Hein from The Wrap Up Show said that they'll be talking about Artie's betting since Howard and Robin couldn't follow the bets that he was talking about. That led to Howard saying that he would feel out of control if he was up by that much money. He's the opposite of Artie and even his own father. Artie said that his father would kill him if he knew what he was doing with his money because his father would never do something like that. Jon also said that they'll be talking about Ivan Thompson's appearance. Jon said they'll be talking about the coverage of Howard in Entertainment Weekly and just how accurate it was. Howard said he thinks that Josh was very accurate, it was the other news reporters who took his comments out of context and screwed things up. Howard had Robin start her news after the previews.
Howard was also talking about how they use a word on the In Demand web site that doesn't make sense. He said there was a sentence where they said that they're ''adding more prizing'' and that doesn't make sense. Benjy told Howard that it's a real word but it means something other than what they were using it for.
Howard read some e-mail about Tori Spelling's appearance on the show last week. He said a lot of people didn't like the appearance and he didn't have many positive mail. He did find one where a guy said that it was good. One guy said that the interview was horrible and it may have been the worst show since Howard moved to SIRIUS. There was also some feedback about Jessica Hahn's call to the show last week. Gary came in a short time later and said that Jessica offered to blow just about everyone on the Wrap Up Show last week.
Howard read some mail about the Daniel Carver Roast from last week. Some people thought the best part of the roast was when people were ripping it apart. There was also some feedback about Robin and Gary's' fight last week. A lot of people thought that Robin was out of line for yelling at Gary. Robin said people didn't understand why she was so upset. Gary didn't just not tell her about it, but he didn't tell the camera crew until the last minute.
Howard took a call from Angry Black who apologized for his actions at the Daniel Carver Roast last week. He said he heard everyone going off on him after the roast and he's very sorry for his outbursts at the other comedians. Howard said that Angry wasn't supposed to be up there in the first place. He said that was Ronnie's fault and he went off on him about that. Angry said that he's very sorry for all of that stuff. Howard thanked him for the apology and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard said he loves Richard's father but he can barely speak. He replayed part of the phone call and goofed on his grammar a little bit. They were also goofing on Richard about how much of a hick he is. Howard let him go a short time later so Robin could finish up her news. She was done by about 11:10am so Howard ended the show around then.
Howard started off the show saying they had a lot going on this morning. They have some audio of Richard Christy puking after eating some beef jerky that his parents sent to him. He also said they had to talk to Artie about his big $8,200 bet from last night. Artie said that he's done gambling for now. He asked Artie what he started out with. He started out with $1,000 bets and after everything is said and done, he won over $16,000. Artie said he fell asleep while watching the game last night even though he had that much riding on it.
Artie barely won the over/under bet that he had placed but he was very happy that he did win. He was losing until there were only 38 seconds left in the game. He said that he's up a lot right now and he'll be collecting $11,000 from his bookie next week. He was up and down with some other bets, that's why he's only collecting the eleven grand.
Howard said he was talking to his friend Pat the other day and they were trying to figure out which addiction is worse, gambling or alcohol. They seem to think that it's the gambling. Artie said he feels like he got over on someone with that betting and it's true that the gambling is a rush. He also said that the bet is kind of like closure for him because the tournament is over now.
Artie said that he doesn't usually meet the bookie, he's got a guy who comes with the money. He said he doesn't usually bet baseball games so his betting is over for now. Howard asked him what he can let that money ride on. He didn't know what he could place it on, he didn't have anything in mind.
Artie said he called into Scott Ferrall's show last night and talked to him about the game while it was on. Gary said they were trying to get some tape of that to play today but Scott the Engineer is working on some other stuff. Artie spent a few minutes talking about the game and how there were a lot of missed and blocked shots which is horrible for the over in the game.
Howard took a call from King of All Japs who congratulated Artie on being rich. He asked him when he's coming to L.A. Artie told him he'll actually be out there next week. Howard said that he was talking to his friend Pat about what his addictions were. Pat pointed out that Howard's addiction is work. Howard said that's probably true because he works all day long.
He said that his work went down when he was dating after his divorce. He was dating a couple of chicks at a time and had a whole rotation of girls for a while. He said his show suffered when he was single because he was so busy with that. Now it's good because things have settled down and he can get back to work. Artie asked him if he ever blew off work for sex. He never did that but he would go home as soon as he could to go out with the girls.
Howard said he watched The Sopranos last night and thought it was another great episode. The guys talked about that episode for a minute and then got back to last night's basketball game. He had some audio from the game where the guys who won were talking about not doing their homework for a couple of weeks and about their win.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's a special agent with the IRS and wondered if Artie is going to claim his winnings on his tax returns. Artie told the guy that this is all a radio bit and none of it's true.
Richard said his parents send him all kinds of stuff and that was just one of the things. Artie asked him if he was grabbing the ass of the Jerky Boys Kumal at his birthday party the other night. Richard said that's true and he's just a big fan of the guy. He was also very drunk and that seems to bring out his gay side.
Will said he heard Richard puking last night and when he went to the bathroom this morning he saw jerky under the toilet seat. He and Richard are sharing an apartment right now but they'll be going their separate ways in May. Richard said that he actually edited down the audio from his puking because it went on for over 10 minutes.
Howard told Richard that he should have been videotaping the puking for the Howard Stern Film Festival. Richard said he has a couple of other movies he'll be entering. That led to Howard saying that he's got some tickets to give away for the film festival. He said they have a bunch of movies coming from the staff which aren't part of the competition. Howard has one, Robin and Fred are working on one and even Ralph has expressed interest in doing one but that probably won't happen.
Richard said he was feeling sick again and he could throw up in the studio if Howard wanted him to. Howard asked him not to do that and played more of his puking audio clips.
Gary came in and told Howard he saw the making of the Rosie O'Donnell gay cruise on HBO last night and it looks like it's going to make for a great show. He said he thinks it will be fascinating. Howard said that he's liking the out-of-the-closet Rosie because she's been saying some very honest stuff in her blog. He talked about some of that stuff.
Howard found the clip and played it. In the report, Will and Jason talk about the gifts that Robin gave out for Christmas. They said that a lot of the Visa Check Cards that were given out didn't work and cost everyone $10 to activate them. There was also a shortage of them because Doug Goodstein had to give them out and he ran out with nothing for himself.
Will also said that Artie was upset about some of the jokes that Sal told during the roast last week and confronted him about them after the show that day. There was also a story that Howard didn't play where the guys talked about George Flowers being so freaked out by some of the things that go on during the show that he has his own soap to use on his hands to wash before and after going into the studio.
Artie said that he was goofing around with Sal about the jokes that he was telling and he wasn't serious. He did say that he called Sal a hack for Dana because she wouldn't get that they were just joking around. Howard said it sounds like Artie was really upset and he's just saying that he wasn't.
Sal had come in to talk about the Dana jokes and Howard pointed out that he's wearing the ring that he gave him. Sal took off his wedding ring to wear the H.S. Viagra ring that he was given the other day. Howard heard that Sal was saying the initials stand for ''Howard and Sal'' but Sal's wife said that it was more like ''How Sad.''
Scott DePace came in and told Howard that the Visa Check Card he got for Christmas didn't work so he had to call the company and now they have to do an investigation into it and he may have the money in a month or two. He said the card is worth $250. Howard thought that was a pretty nice gift.
Howard had a new voice mail from Crazy Alice who went off on Jessica Hahn in her call. She was complaining about her saying that she likes Howard. She was also going off on Robin and Artie with her hateful call. Howard said that it sounded more like she was blasting him because she was basically saying that the only reason Jessica likes him is because has money. Howard said that's why he has money because he can't get hot chicks without money. Girls have to find a reason to love a guy and money might be one of the reasons.
Robin's boating classes were brought up so Robin gave the guys some details about what she's been doing in the class. She said that Mr. X has been taking the classes with Robin. They're taking classes from a guy they call Captain Dennis. They goofed on Robin a little bit about the boating lessons.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had the calls that Artie made to Scott Ferrall's show last night. Howard played the first clip where Artie was talking about how he was ready to shoot this kid who broke a record for blocking shots because he was holding back the score. Shuli was in the studio with Scott so Howard wondered if he has a home to go to. He was also wondering if he's any good on that show. He continued to play the clip where Artie was talking about how he figured he was f'd because the score was so low at the half.
In another clip Artie called in after he knew that he had won. Artie had been sleeping but got up after his cousin called and woke him up. Ferrall was even excited about the win. Gary said it was like a contact high for Ferrall. Howard said it was like two gay lovers because they were talking about how much they love each other by the end of the discussion. Howard said that Artie could make twice as much money doing stand-up anywhere in the country. A lot of work went into that win for Artie.
When the guy from ABC asked him what he had to say he told him that he says everything he has to say on his radio show. He's not looking to blow the whole thing up. Robin said that this shows that he's definitely an A-list celebrity. Howard said he thinks that's the case. The NY Post guy was still chasing him around the city even after he let him take some pictures. He had Ronnie pull over so he could get out and talk to him. Ronnie tried to talk to the guy and that didn't work so Howard got out and asked him what he wanted. The guy said he wanted more pictures.
The guy eventually backed off and asked for one last picture. Howard told him to go head and take it. The guy complained that Howard wasn't smiling or giving him the thumbs up. Howard told him he was miserable standing out in the rain and he doesn't give the thumbs up. He said he told the guy he had to be f'ing kidding him. The guy stopped chasing him after that.
There were more photographers outside of his apartment building last night. He let them take some pictures as he was heading home. The other reporter should have just showed up there because he would have let him take pictures there.
Howard said that the guy who was arrested for chasing him around was also a menace to some other people in the past. He was apparently charged with luring a child from a playground with candy one time and for harassing some employees at a restaurant.
One article said that Howard identified himself as a good Samaritan after he had the cops chase that guy down but he said he was just doing what any citizen would do. He said he has to watch everything he says these days.
Robin and Howard asked Artie what he's going to do with his winnings. Artie said he's going to use it as part of his mortgage payoff that he'll be doing soon. He said that's something that his father would be proud of, paying off his mortgage. He said he'll be living rent free but he still has a $2,000 a month maintenance fee that he has to pay.
Howard said that he's been asked to appear on The Surreal Life but he has no desire to be on there. Artie said that he's turned down a bunch of offers to do shows like Celebrity Mole, Celebrity Fit Club and possibly The Surreal Life. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
After the break Howard mentioned that they have an hour long special of High Pitch Eric's ''Craptacular'' that aired back on November 1st. He said that they edited the 24 hours down to one hour and George Flowers will be hosting it.
Artie said that he was out apologizing to Sal for calling him a hack. He said that he's really not a hack, he was just telling Dana that he was to get her to stop yelling at him. Robin asked Howard if that commercial that they had done for Pepper Dennis was any good. Artie was unaware that it was a commercial. Howard kept his mouth shut about what he wanted to say about the commercial and moved on to Lisa G.
Artie said that Kumal was raving about the band because they were so good at Richard's birthday party. Howard asked Fred if he would ever appear on American Idol. Fred said that will never happen. Howard said that the other day Gary told him that Bruce Springsteen is supposed to do the show but that must have been an April Fools prank. Howard said that Prince is definitely supposed to be doing the show though. That's how desperate that guy has become.
He said that he heard that Prince hates the show but he has to do it to reach the young people out there. Artie said that's kind of lame because if you don't like the show you shouldn't do it. Artie was also saying that he really liked Prince thanks to Howard. He said that Howard got him into the guy back in high school. Howard said that Prince is a douche for doing the show. He figures there's no way the guy will participate in the show other than doing a performance.
Lisa G said they have an interview with Diana Di Garmo coming up today. Artie said that he just bought an electric guitar the other day and he was just making some noise up in his apartment with it. He asked Fred to show him a couple of chords. Howard told Artie that he should take some lessons like he did. He explained how he learned a few songs and Artie said that's what he wants to do. Howard figures that Fred would get annoyed with Artie if he tried to teach him. Artie said he never learned and he would love to know how to play an instrument. Fred agrees with Howard and said that a teacher will take Artie through some baby steps.
Artie said that he noticed how big Joe Walsh's hands were when he came in. That helps according to Howard and Artie's hands aren't that big. Howard was going to take lessons with his daughter but that never happened. Artie said he bought this beautiful guitar and a nice amp. Howard said he has about 30 guitars that he's been given over the years. He's got 2 in his apartment that he actually plays once in a while. He said he gets frustrated after about 10 minutes and puts the thing away. Howard said the other guitars are in storage and they're in the same dump where he stores the picture that Artie gave him of Neil Young. Artie said that picture is probably worth three grand right now and gave Howard an F-you.
Lisa G said that they'll have a second half of an interview with a guy who went to acting class with Leslie Moonves. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard said he knew that his father had a porn collection since he was about 10 years old. Robin said she used to find her brother's porn collection. Artie said his father was happy that he found the collection because he would have been more upset if he hadn't found it and enjoyed it.
Howard said his father had a drawer full of rubbers and stuff. He said he must have bought them by the gross because there were a ton of them. He doesn't know what he was up to with that many rubbers. He also thinks that his father would have flipped out if he knew that he found the stash of porn. He explained how his father would come home from work, yell at him if he said anything and then he'd get all happy after eating dinner. He'd run upstairs saying his favorite word ''Oy-yay'' and then take a dump. He said he thinks that's when he must have been beating off as well.
Fred was playing some AC/DC so Howard and Artie were talking about Bon Scott and Brian Johnson and trying to figure out who was better. Fred played ''Highway to Hell'' and Artie was saying that Bon Scott says the N-word in that song. Robin thinks that he's saying ''Season ticket on a one way ride'' and Artie thinks that it's ''She's a nig*** on a one way ride.''
Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he used to beat off to hunting magazines when he was a kid. Howard said that he used to go through his friend's parent's drawers. He once found his friend's mother's falsie's and his friend got hassled over that by their other schoolmates. He said that the falsie's were huge too.
Artie said that his friend's mother used to hide weed in her drawer and they went looking for it one time. They ended up finding a big, fake dick instead and they laughed their ass off when they found that.
Robin wanted to know why they would give someone $4 million and still have to teach him how to do a radio show. Howard said that's how Joel Hollander works. He said that Dave is actually doing better than some of the other Howard Stern replacements but he's the one taking the brunt of the bashing.
Howard is predicting that when Katie Couric comes in as a replacement for Dan Rather, CBS will toss her to the curb the same way they did with Dan. He thinks that she will be a bomb for CBS and nothing will happen to improve their nightly news. Then CBS will screw her over like they screw over their other talent. He said they'll either sue her, kick her to the curb or ruin her reputation. He told Katie to beware... Leslie Moonves will never take responsibility for making a mistake.
Howard was reading an article about Katie's move to CBS when he saw a picture of Lance Armstrong with a new girlfriend. He said that if it were him, he'd wait at least 4 months before he was pictured with another woman. Howard said that maybe Lance figures there's not much time left and he should be getting laid as much as possible.
Howard asked her what she eats that keeps her so heavy. She said she was still drinking last year and that's what did it to her. She's also gotten married since then. Gary said her stomach was looking flat though but Howard wanted to see her naked before saying that.
Howard had Allison get undressed so they could check her out. Her arms looked better to him. He said they cold be a little more toned though. She was also wearing a leotard and Howard thought that looked okay. As she stripped down Howard said that she was looking better. He asked her to take her panties off but she didn't want to do that. Howard wanted to see her ass because that would tell him everything he needed to know.
Allison has lost some of her saddle bags and her belly was looking great. Her boobs were good and her vagina was good. He said that he would like to make a comment to her. They had her get on the studio scale and found that she was actually at 142 pounds. She said she was less than that on Sunday, March 26th. Howard said that the scale went up a pound and she was actually 143. He told her that she has to get down to 125 pounds and she'd look great. She thinks that's impossible but Howard said she's on the verge of being extremely hot. She said it's so hard to get there though.
Allison asked where Dr. Calabro was. Howard told her that's not going to help. He said that if she wanted to cheat a little, she can come back when she's down to 130 pounds. He told her to get out of there because she only lost 15 pounds in a year. He said that her upper half is a 10 but the lower half needs a lot of work. He said she could be really hot if she does lose that weight though.
Howard said that she needs to lose the rest of the saddle bags, another 15 pounds, and she can come back. He gave her the first pair of Howard Stern Film Festival tickets after that. She asked if her husband could come in and meet him. Howard let them bring the guy in. Howard said he was trying to help this guy out and asked him if he agrees that she'd look top notch after losing 15 pounds. The guy, Troy, said he agrees with him about that.
Troy said that he had a gift for Howard and one of the taser incidents that they play on the show was one of his buddies. He brought in a miniature version of the badge that he wears at the police department he works for. Troy told Howard that he once had to pull a gun on a guy who tried to run him over when he pulled him over. Howard said that he should be that strict on his wife and stop her from eating.
Dr. Calabro called in and said that he knows that this woman can lose the weight, he went from 245 pounds to 185. He told her that she just needs to change her lifestyle. Troy was telling Howard about Allison and how they have tried anal a few times. She also enjoys hair pulling once in a while according to Troy. Howard asked if there's any salad tossing going on. Troy said there was but Allison was saying that doesn't happen. The two of them said that they will both do that once in a while.
Howard asked Allison if she will still go in there even if she catches a whiff. She said that she will still go in there no matter what. Gary asked her if she gives him a rusty trombone as well. She said that has happened as well. Troy said he's never caught a whiff from her when he's been back there. She always bathes before he goes in. Howard told Troy that he thinks she's lying about being on her period because he didn't see any string down there. Troy said she's definitely on it though.
Howard asked the two if they will kiss each other after tossing salad. Troy said he doesn't even think about not kissing her after that. They have no problem with that. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that Richard Christy is heading home because he's so sick this morning. He played some of his vomiting sounds from last night after eating some beef jerky. He said he's only thrown up maybe once in his adult life.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric was supposed to come in and get waxed this morning but he backed out at the last minute. They still have the woman coming in to do the waxing so they asked all of the guys there if they would be willing to do it for that $20,000 TV set they have to give away. Gary said he might do it if he didn't have to show his penis. Howard said he wouldn't mind showing his penis this morning because today is one of those days when it looks a little longer and thicker than usual. He said that it kind of retreats when he gets nervous though.
Howard brought up how John McCain used to bash Jerry Fallwell in the past but now he's come around and he's supporting him and it's probably because he has to satisfy the religious right. Robin said it might be time to vote out the republicans if that's the case. Howard said he'd hate to make a blanket statement like that but she might be right. Howard said it's unfortunate that McCain has to go in that direction.
Howard read an article about Mel Karmazin talking about the CBS lawsuit and how ridiculous it is. He was also saying that he would renew Howard's contract for another 5 years if Howard would sign on. Howard said that was a big vote of confidence for him.
Evil Dave made an apology on tape and said he was sorry for what he did. He did it in his own voice which is close to the Dave Letterman voice but a little more effeminate. Dave was saying he was sorry for opening his mouth without thinking. He took full responsibility for what he had done. Benjy was asking Dave if he would sing an apology for Howard and Dave actually did what they asked him to do. They had him singing 'I'm sorry Howard...'' Benjy then broke the news to him that they were just messing with him.
Howard said he thinks that Dave is retarded. Benjy said he felt bad for him because he was actually banging his head against the wall as he was doing the apology.
Howard moved on to get an update from Fred. He asked Fred how he's doing. Fred said that they will be starting their filming in about 2 weeks and they don't want to reveal what it's going to be about until the film festival. Howard said that there are a bunch of others in the works as well.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she's got a few movies in the works and she'll be starring in someone else's movie as well. Howard said that there are over $15,000 in cash and prizes available for the winner of the festival. He said he'll see her at the film festival. He hung up on her and then realized that he hasn't given her any tickets yet.
Howard had another audio clip from another religious freak, Pat Robertson. In this clip Pat is talking about speaking to the lord about the severe weather that the country has been hit with. He said he mentioned that the lord told him this at the beginning of the year and he warned people about it. Howard said that if someone told you that they spoke to an imaginary man who told him about the weather, you'd have him locked up... but this guy has people like John McCain supporting him.
Howard said that someone was out on the street making a movie for the upcoming film festival and Michael Douglas stopped by and spoke to him for a while. Gary told him it was Michael Morales from Howard 100 News who was making the movie. Howard played some audio of Michael Douglas talking to him about what he would like to see in a movie. He sounded like he was interested in knowing more about Howard.
Howard played a song parody that they had Michael and High Pitch make because they both have high pitched voices. It didn't come out the way he expected, it was a bit of a disaster. The guys said that they should have High Pitch and Mark the Bagger singing together instead. That led to Howard replaying the prank call that Mark the Bagger made to a muffler shop about getting his dick stuck in a tail pipe.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked what's wrong with Crazy Alice. She said that's odd that she thinks that Howard couldn't be loved for just being himself. Artie told Jessica that Alice isn't called ''Crazy'' for no reason. She is crazy after all. Howard said that Jessica does love guys pretty deeply and even cleaned up Sam Kinison's doody when she was with him many years ago.
Howard said that women never walked up to him and said that they had to have him because of his looks, he had to work his way up to a position of prominence so he could get women. He said that he doesn't care why a woman likes him, he just cares that they're banging him. Howard thinks that Jessica was into him because he was an exciting personality, certainly not for his looks. Howard said that people definitely love each other but it's based on many factors.
Howard said he was attracted to Beth for her looks and for who she was. He said there were many other good looking women out there but he liked Beth's personality. Gary asked Jessica why she hasn't come in to ride the Sybian yet. She said she may do that so Howard suggested she come in for the film festival and then do it. Blue Iris is coming in this week to ride it though.
Howard had another Crazy Alice call where she went off on Artie again. He quickly played that and then played a Dice Clay bit where he talks about ''cunt farts.''
Gary came in and mentioned that they will have some special guests on The Intern Show tomorrow night. That led to Howard playing a bunch of newer Baba Booey song parodies that have been created there and sent in by fans. There was a bunch of new ones that hadn't been played on the air before.
Howard believes that CBS is building up a case so that they won't have to pay the $8 million they owe Roth when they fire him. He said that's why he was warning Katie Couric earlier this morning about moving to CBS. It's all about the money for the ''bloodsucking leaches'' at CBS. He said that they put him on the air knowing what they had, he didn't bring big ratings right away so now they're going to make him seem like he's a piece of shit. He said that it's Joel Hollander and Leslie Moonves who should be fired.
Howard predicts that Katie Couric will be moved off the evening news within 6 months and she'll be treated just as poorly as other talent at CBS. The caller asked Howard what he thinks will happen with Dave if he were to go in and do the show that he wants to do. Howard said they'd just fire him if that happened. They're going to try and make him quit instead. That's the radio business though. Howard has been through that kind of crap himself.
Howard gave the caller a prize package of Carson's ribs (Ribs.com) that he had to give away. The caller also requested that Howard replay the Steve Vai song that they played yesterday. Howard thought it was a Frank Zappa song until he heard from Red Peters who said it was actually Steve Vai doing an impression of Zappa. Howard played the ''Fuck Yourself'' song and let it play through because he wanted to hear Vai's great guitar playing at the end of the song. They went to commercial after the song.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who sounded very out of it. Howard couldn't take it for more than a few seconds so he hung up on him. He moved on to another guy who asked what the over/under is on how long it will take for Artie to lose all of that money he won. Howard said if he uses it for his mortgage, that would be nice, but he thinks that he will lose it some other way. Artie said he's going to take his winnings and put it into his gambling fund for the rest of the year. He said that will be his cushion for the rest of the year and he will let everyone know about any bets he places.
Howard said that he was in bed last night farting up a storm. Beth was there so he went to the bathroom and let it rip. It smelled awful. He went to bed a short time later and had to rip another one. Beth smelled it and said it smelled like diarrhea in the bed. He told her she may want to go sleep somewhere else. She kept saying ''Oh my god!'' over and over again because it was so bad.
Howard talked about how he's been going doody all over the place these days. He used to keep it at home but he has to go so often that he can't do that anymore. Artie said he went to his manager's house one time and had to take a shit. He went but had to use the shower to clean himself up. He ended up making a mess of the towels so he had to throw them in the garbage.
Dr. Armstrong told Howard that she had a wild time with Riley Martin last night. She said it was a lot of fun. Howard did his impression of Riley for a short time and said he heard that he was flirting with Dr. Armstrong during the session. Benjy asked her if she's ever hooked up with a patient. She said she never has but she has been attracted to one. She also said that it would be illegal to do something like that in the state of Florida.
Howard said he heard that Dr. Armstrong was in rehab at one point. She said that she was and then explained how she had been hit by a car one time. She had tire marks across her chest when she woke up the morning after a party. She still doesn't know exactly what happened.
Dr. Armstrong was saying some nice stuff about Benjy and Artie so there was some suspicion that it's just a shrink thing and she's very nice to everyone. High Pitch Eric called in so Howard asked him what was up with him not showing up this morning. He said that he e-mailed them this morning about not being able to make it.
Will came in and told Howard that Eric bailed out at the last minute. Eric said that he sent him a note on Sunday but Will said it was yesterday. Eric said he wanted to thank Dr. Armstrong for helping him cut out his junk food. Dr. Armstrong said that she did two sessions with him and he had 15 cupcakes in the studio after lunch. Howard said that he's a complete waste because he's a liar. He said that she's basically saying that he's a waste to society but she said that's not the case. Howard told him he was a monster and Dr. Armstrong just couldn't say that.
Howard asked Dr. Armstrong how bad he smelled. She said he didn't smell at all but they did have four scented candles burning in the studio at the time. Howard asked Dr. Armstrong what she was wearing while he was talking to her. She was completely nude because she just got out of the shower. Howard said he thinks there might be something to that. She was sitting in front of her computer completely nude with her legs crossed. He found out she's almost a C-cup. High Pitch said that he was wearing some spandex because he was going to the gym.
Howard hung up on High Pitch and got back to Dr. Armstrong. Sal came in and said that she looks like Rosanna Arquette's brother Alexis from the Surreal Life. Howard had to boot him out of the studio but Gary said he thinks that Benjy is just in love, that's why he was saying that she looks so good. Howard told Sal that he wants him to do Meet the Shrink. Benjy said that she's very good looking for a ''regular chick.'' Sal got on Gary's mic and said that she's gross and Benjy is just talking her up. He said he won't get on the couch with her. He was also saying that she should ''meet the plastic surgeon.'' Howard thought that was a little rough and he wants Sal to go on her show.
Gary came in and told Howard that she is a very noticeable person when she comes up there. Sal thinks that she has ripped him apart on SternFanNetwork but she said that she never did that to him. She's never even met him. Howard told Sal to book his show with Dr. Armstrong. Sal said that he won't do that show. Gary told Howard that Dr. Armstrong could do a full hour just based on that ring that Sal is wearing (The Viagra H.S. ring). This led to the guys talking about doing a group session Meet the Shrink show. Howard told Sal that he wants him to do one by himself though.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that she's a bitch because they had to reschedule his appearance. Howard said that's not her fault, she had a scheduling conflict. Dr. Armstrong said that she had no idea that they had him booked and she'd schedule him for another time. Artie agreed to do a show with her. Robin said that she's looking forward to doing a group session.
Howard said that he's really bad with female therapists. He said he tries to act all sexy in front of them even if they're not attractive to him. He said he's got issues.
Jon Hein said that Fred will be joining them for the Wrap Up Show. He also said they'll be talking about Allison's weight loss. They'll also be talking about how none of the interns there know who Jessica Hahn is. The Page 69 controversy will be a subject for discussion as will the new Baba Booey song parodies that Howard played today. Howard went to commercial break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy by the name of Timmy who has Cerebral Palsey. Timmy met them out in Las Vegas one time so. He was saying that he has been taping the show ever since Howard announced that he was going to SIRIUS. Howard asked if it was okay to hang up on him and then did just that. He said it was an accident but it was obvious he hung up on him on purpose.
Blue Iris called in and said she's coming to New York City tomorrow to be on the show on Thursday. She said she's going to ride the Sybian when she comes in. Howard said that a lot of people are going to puke when they hear that.
Late in the news Howard read an e-mail from a guy who asked Artie to reenact a scene from Godfather Part 2. Artie went right into it and recited the whole scene that the guy asked to hear. Fred played another scene that Artie played along with and he knew just every line verbatim.
Howard read some more e-mail a short time later. One guy thanked him for bringing Scott Ferrall on his channel. He said that he really likes that guy. There was some feedback about the guy who came on yesterday to talk about the Mexican women. One guy thought Artie was a bit rude when he was cursing while the guy was there. There was also some feedback about Ralph, Tori Spelling, and a few other things. Howard whipped right through that and had Robin get back to her news. They ended the show around 11:05am.
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Howard started off the show talking about an article in Newsweek where they've changed the story about his quote from Entertainment Weekly. He said that they've twisted it around once again and took out the part where it said he was laughing when he called his audience that didn't follow him over, cheap bastards. Robin said that people are now on the web talking about that and saying that he should be more humble.
Artie said he has a friend who will never do another interview with the media again because of things like this. The quotes get turned around by other media outlets. Howard said that he's done with doing interviews as well because of this.
Howard said that he was talking to a cop the other day about how hard it is to find a SIRIUS tuner these days. They're all sold out. He said that there are a lot of people out there who don't want him to be successful and that's why they're twisting that story around the way they are. He said that some reports are saying that he's already done and no one else is going to follow him over to satellite.
Howard said he would love to have the tape of what he said but Josh from Entertainment Weekly said that they don't make it a habit of giving that stuff out. Howard said it's interesting that so many people in the media want to see him fail. They've always tried to take him down and you can hear it when reporters are talking about this story on the news. There was one guy saying that he should be humble and that he's not grateful to his fans. He said that guy should just shut up.
Howard said that the guy from Entertainment Weekly had two weeks there and he wrote that he was laughing when he called the audience ''cheap bastards'' when he was joking around about them not following him over. Howard wants to say to his fans that the word is spreading and people are loving what they're hearing. Fans are telling other people how much they're enjoying what they're hearing and that's the best advertising out there.
There are some reports out there that are saying that all of Howard's fans that are going to follow him have already done so. Howard doesn't believe that's the case and more fans are signing up every day. He said that the Fred Jacobs Media report about everyone already signing up is just not right.
Angie Everhart sent Howard a note the other night and she was saying that she's not ''fortunate enough'' to have SIRIUS radio so she can't hear the show. He said that's what he's afraid of because people seem to think that it's hard to hook up the radios. He said his parents used to think that way until he got them hooked up with some radios. Now they only listen to SIRIUS because they can find stuff they want to hear that they can't hear on regular radio.
Howard said that there are about 10 million articles about this subject even though he had that homeless guy altercation on Saturday night. It's as if these reporters want him to fail. They even tried to make him look bad in that homeless guy altercation story by saying that he was calling himself a good Samaritan. He said that his fans have already proved that he has succeeded by moving to satellite and the jealous people out there don't want to admit it.
Howard said that there are some Deejays out there that he knows who are taking a lot of legal meetings about what they can do on the air and they hate it. Now all of those stations out there who can't do what he's doing on satellite are trying to get at him any way he can. Howard explained again what he was saying in that interview that's been twisted around. He was saying that he's never satisfied with what he has, he always wants more and he would like his whole family of fans with him at SIRIUS. When Josh asked him what he would say to his fans, he said that line that's been twisted around and laughed as he was saying it. He didn't say it with any anger as so many media outlets are reporting.
Howard said that he's not going to do print interviews again unless he brings his own tape recorder to get the whole thing to replay. He said it's a little upsetting to him that the media tries to twist what he says to make it work for them.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that his fans who have been listening to him for many years are always defending him. The caller said that they'll be there every time to back him up in what he's really trying to say. Howard thanked her for calling in and moved on.
Howard asked Michelle if she ever tried a man. She said she was actually married for many years but she knew that she was a lesbian the whole time. She said her parents used to make fun of her gay uncle all the time so she was very afraid to come out of the closet. She said that she wasn't seeing any women while she was married but she was thinking about them. Howard said that she must have hated it when he was squeezing her boobs like melons and putting his filthy penis inside of her. She said that it was the scruffy face that got to her.
Michelle said that she used to have to suffer through the love making with her man all the time. Now that she's with a woman she wants sex from her all the time. She said that making love with a woman is a beautiful thing and it's amazing. Now she knows why her husband wanted sex all the time.
Howard asked Michelle how she told her husband about being a lesbian. She said that he was a raging alcoholic and she warned him that she was going to leave if he kept it up. That was her way out and she took it when he didn't stop drinking. She said that she used to think about Melissa Etheridge and her boss when she was thinking about other women during her marriage.
Howard asked her why she was so into Melissa Etheridge when there are so many beautiful women out there. Michelle said that she likes Salma Hayek too so it's not just Melissa. She was saying that she would try to think about women when her husband was licking her down below but he kept a goatee on his face so it was very hard to do that.
Michelle told Howard that she's not hot and she knows it. She said her wife has a nice body and she thinks that she's a beautiful woman. She said that they're not a fat couple though. Anyone that knows them wouldn't say that they're fat at all... but she knows that she's not good looking. Howard asked her if she would ever go on one of these gay cruises that Rosie O'Donnell has done. She didn't sound interested in that.
Howard asked Michelle if she has a big bush down below. She said she keeps it trimmed down very tight because she doesn't like that big bush look. She doesn't want a woman who has hair all over her either so her woman keeps herself shaved too. She was also filling Howard in on the way she and her woman have sex. She said that there's a lot of licking and fingers being used. She said that there's also a little tossing of the salad that goes on between them. She said it's very enjoyable for the other woman and that gets her off. She said she was uncomfortable with it for a while but she just recently had some fun with it.
Michelle said that she used to give her husband oral because she hated to have him sweating on top of her for a long time. She was also saying that she loves boobs and she spends a lot of time there. She said that she strokes them and kisses the nips, licks around the nips... Howard asked her how many orgasms they have when they're doing that stuff. She said that they have signals where they put hands on top of heads to let the other know that they're done.
Howard wrapped up with Michelle and gave her some Carson's Ribs and tickets to the Howard Stern Film Festival. He told her that the ribs will taste great right out of her woman's ass. Howard put her on hold so they could set her up with all of that.
Howard mentioned what time it was and said that he should never give that out because of the replays they do these days. He went on to congratulate the Howard 100 News guys for the one hour special that they ran for the High Pitch Eric Craptacular that ran last night. He said that they did an excellent job on that
Howard was talking to a friend about developing a Fartman series on his channels there and he's also got Sam Simon working on the ''Desperate Howard Wives'' radio sitcom. They have a lot of stuff in the works and tonight they have The Intern Show coming up. He went to break right after that.
Gary came in and said that a lot of the rage comes from things that happened to you when you were a kid... and he has to agree with that. Howard was going to talk about something Gary had done but Fred started playing the Baba Booey song parodies.
Gary had just gotten off the phone with Cabbie who has been in jail since last July for tax evasion. He has a history of some mental problems and he had been taken from prison to a mental ward up in Massachusetts. Howard said he got a call from Cabbie's psychiatrist at some point but he never called him back. He didn't want to get involved with that. He said he doesn't know why he has to be involved with that stuff.
Gary said that he took notes during the call with Cabbie and he read it all back to him to make sure it was all right. Howard said that he heard that Cabbie was under the impression that he was going to give him a job but he should be more worried about getting himself out of prison before that can happen. They already have Bubba and Ferrall to worry about according to Robin.
Gary said that Cabbie is at a medium security mental facility, he believes that he was tortured, drugged and raped by the federal government. He also thinks that people were putting PCP in his food and things like that. Howard said he also heard that Cabbie has a new name because he believes that Lee and Cabbie were killed in prison. Robin said it sounds like he's not on his medication anymore.
Gary said that no one is returning his calls now and he needs a lawyer to help him get his story out. He has the name of the guy who can contact him. Howard put the word out and said that any lawyer that can help Cabbie can contact Gary and get the information from him. Cabbie is up in Fort Devins in Massachusetts and his last name is Mroszak.
Gary said that Dominic Barbara told Cabbie that he should just keep his mouth shut for 4 more months and then come out and tell his story. That would be the best thing for him and Gary thinks that Dominic was being a good lawyer by telling him to do that. Howard thinks that Cabbie is in big trouble because his mental situation is very unstable. He had a feeling this would happen when he went to prison and he talked to Robin about that off the air. Robin said that he's got a real mental condition and that shows. Howard said that he's really a sweet guy inside and he hates to see this happening.
Howard took a call from a guy who works as an officer down at Ft. Dix where Cabbie was sent at first. He said that he was in a minimum security prison and he couldn't even handle that. Howard said that no prison is good but if you go to one, Ft. Dix is the one that you want to go to. He also said that the year in prison was going to kill Cabbie and it's very sad that all of this went down.
Howard said it's very scary when a psychiatrist is calling him to ask what they should do with Cabbie. He was asked to talk to the judge before Cabbie was sentenced but Howard didn't want to do that or write a letter for him. He was afraid that would make things worse. Artie said he guesses that he's never going to see the $1000 that Cabbie owes him.
The caller, Ken, said that he saw Cabbie down there and the first day he came in they were expecting a huge crowd but it turned out to be just one guy following him in with a hand held camera. Howard said he's not sure what is good for Cabbie at this point. Artie said it's very depressing because he didn't know that he was in that bad of shape.
Howard said that Cabbie got his letters that he sent in the past but now he's not sure where to send the letters so he's stopped writing.
Howard said that the snapping drives him nuts because he can't do it. He tried doing some of the Wipe Out snapping and the guys were telling him he was doing just fine even though it sounded nothing like Bobby's snapping. Howard said that Tristan Taormino will also be in to promote her third book on anal sex. He played some audio of her accepting an AVN award for best anal and had some fun with that.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who got him talking about John Denver. That led to the guys talking about Denver killing himself by crashing his experimental plane. The guys talked about how big he was at one time selling albums and starring in movies.
Howard said he has predicted that Katie's move will not go well and CBS will screw her over like they will screw over David Lee Roth. He read an article about the move for Katie and said that ''...it's so boring, who gives a shit?'' He thinks that CBS is making a mistake and when they realize that, they're going to screw Katie over like they're doing to David Lee Roth right now. That's what Leslie Moonves does according to Howard. They loved David Lee Roth until he didn't perform well in the ratings for them.
A caller asked Howard what happened to Dominic Barbara. Howard said he heard that after he forgot to thank Dominic at his birthday party, he's not calling in anymore. He didn't thank everyone in the room but Dominic is the one who got upset and stopped talking to him because of that. Howard said that he's kind of glad, in a way, that he's not calling them and bothering them anymore. Howard told Robin now to invite him to anymore parties or anything.
Gary got back to the list of hot Jewish celebrities. They went through a list of women that are either rumored to be Jewish or are actually Jews. Here are some of the names he mentioned...
Gary also mentioned that Anna Benson has withdrawn her divorce claims and is getting back together with her husband Kris. Howard read an article about that and said that she was probably told that no one would pay attention to her if she wasn't hanging out at the baseball parks. They were also talking about Spade's moving in on Heather Locklear during that discussion.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Anna Benson may make more money from her web site this year than Kris is going to make on his contract so she may have had second thoughts because of that. The caller also asked Howard about all of the people out there writing about him and making up stories. He suggested putting out a newsletter to let everyone know that these stories are made up. Howard said he doesn't seem to care that much at this point and a newsletter wouldn't really be the right thing.
Howard mentioned another celebrity story about this guy Yanni who allegedly beat up his girlfriend. He played some audio of the girlfriend's call to 911 and then a clip of Yanni talking to Larry King about how he didn't touch her. He said that he thinks she lost it for a short time and it was the girlfriend who came after him. He said that he was breaking up with her that night and that's when she lost it. There was a woman who called in and asked if that incident has changed his creativity in any way. Howard said the guy writes horrible music and it wouldn't change his creativity at all. Yanni said that it will inspire him to write some music eventually. He said that he hasn't written anything in the last 30 days since the incident happened.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was watching Katie on TV and her gut was hanging over her pants. The guy then asked if he could have tickets to the Film Festival. Howard gave him a pair and then talked about how they're going to have quite a festival going on. He's requested that Red Peters come in and perform a couple of his songs for the audience. Howard also gave the guy some Carson's ribs.
Howard said that Doug Goodstein went home sick yesterday after getting violently ill just like Richard Christy. Doug recorded himself throwing up so Howard played some of that audio. Doug's puking sounded even stranger than Richard's. Howard played some of Richard's recorded puking as well. He had a lot of fluids coming out of him.
A caller asked Howard if his dog wears a purple tutu at home or just when it's out with Beth. Howard didn't know that they were showing that on the local FOX channel. Beth went out and did an event where she brought Bianca with her. Beth was wearing a Nicole Miller dress with the dog wearing a matching version and he wanted to get some pictures up on his web site but wasn't able to make that happen. That caller also got some tickets to the film festival.
Howard said that they should do a report about all of the famous people that come up to SIRIUS. They have to get approval to do stuff like that though so they don't bother everyone. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard told Bobby that this is not a good look for him. He said he used to like when he was a regular guy. He asked him if he's gone Hollywood on him. Bobby said that he may have gone a little Vegas but not Hollywood.
Howard asked Bobby about how much of his act people have to sit through before a Carrot Top act. Bobby joked that he actually hired Carrot Top to close for him. Howard told him not to tell jokes, he doesn't want that kind of stuff. Bobby told Howard that he does about a half hour show for his opening act and it's not all snapping. He said about 15 minutes of it is the snapping. He does other stuff as well.
Howard did some snapping for Bobby and he thought that Howard had been practicing. Bobby did some snapping for Howard to show him how it's really done. Howard asked him if he's getting laid now. Bobby said that he is and he's meeting a lot of people at the shows. He's got his own ''bobble fingers'' doll that he sells after the show and he can sell 30 or 40 of them per show.
Bobby said that he's doing just the snapping these days and he's even got a cartoon that he created in conjunction with Mike Judge, but not the creator of Beavis and Butt-Head and King of the Hill. It's a guy with the same name but not that Mike Judge.
Howard asked Bobby about his life and said that he's happy that he's got a career. He said that he's a fan of his and he's astounded by the way he snaps his fingers. He said he wonders about the dark side of Bobby. Bobby said he's very happy and amazed that he's taken it as far as he has. He said he's written a book and has the cartoon in the works. It's all fun stuff and not serious. He said that his book isn't out yet but he's looking for a publisher.
Howard asked Bobby to perform for them so Bobby said he'd be doing ''Luck Be a Snapper.'' He did a little warming up and then remembered that he had a music track he needed played. Bobby spent a couple more minutes talking to Howard before getting to the song. We found out that Bobby is 48 years old and he used to own an RV dealer. He did some touring with Jan and Dean and now he's hooked up with Carrot Top and they're selling out every show. They're looking for bigger venues because of that.
Howard found the right music track so he played that for Bobby. Bobby sang along as he was snapping to the music. Howard said that his fingers hurt just watching the guy. Robin said her ears hurt (from his singing). Howard asked him if his fingers hurt at all. Bobby said that they don't hurt unless he's snapping as fast as he possibly can. Howard wondered if he's insured his fingers. Bobby said that he's working on that now but he doesn't have them insured yet. He was once kicked in the hand during a Karate demonstration and he was afraid that he would never snap again because of that.
Howard wished Bobby luck and gave him some plugs for the shows he's doing at the Luxor hotel out in Vegas. He's also got some web sites to plug... BadFingers.com and VCoolVideos.com.
Artie was trying to find out what kind of money he can make opening up for Carrot Top. He wasn't giving out that information but Artie let him know that he can make about $30,000 a weekend working the Improv out in Tempe, Arizona. Bobby still wasn't talking about how much he can make. He said that the $15,000 that Artie estimated was a bit too much.
Howard took a few phone calls for Bobby. One guy said that he sounds like a douche. Another guy was impressed that he's turned this hacky talent into making some money. Another guy thought the segment was lame and asked for some tickets to the Howard Stern Film Festival. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that the Kid's Choice Awards seem to attract a lot of big celebrities. He's not sure why but he's guessing it's because kids are the only ones going to see movies these days. He and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about how the world has kind of become backwards. People cater to kids so much that they don't have to use their brains anymore. He said that when he was a kid, he would have to sit there and try to figure out what was going on in the movie he was watching. Now they make the movies specifically for them and the kids are being coddled.
Robin said that she was wondering if Gary took his kids to see the ''Ice Age 2'' movie that just came out because he seems to do that all the time. Howard said that the Pink Panther movie was kind of for adults but there are a lot of movies that are just for kids. Artie pointed out that Tom Cruise was ''slimed'' on a kid's show on Nickelodeon. That's how much the big stars will cater to kids.
Howard and Gary talked about the movies that their parents used to drag them to and they weren't for kids at all. Howard had a few clips to play from the Kid's Choice Awards and the first one was Will Smith lecturing the kids as he does every year. Smith was rambling and then told the kids that they are who they hang with.
Howard had some other clips and wondered who one of the ''fidgets'' was in one clip. JD came in and told Howard that it was Avril Lavigne but it came out more like ''Avalligne'' so Fred was goofing on him about that.
Howard had some clips from the Meet the Shrink show that Riley Martin did with Dr. Leslie Armstrong. He said that Riley was kind of flirting with her in some of the clips. Riley was bragging about how much he knows about the universe and if they spoke for a full year, every day, she still wouldn't know how much he knows. Howard said that his wrap is pretty good and Dr. Armstrong seemed to be buying into his stories.
Howard said that Riley is really good at what he does. He did some of his impression of Riley and goofed on him for a short time. In one clip Riley said that Tan (the Alien) told him that there are many planets out there with life on them. So many that if he visited one every day for the rest of his life, he sill wouldn't have visited them all.
Howard played more clips of Riley talking to Dr. Armstrong and Artie wondered why Cabbie is locked up yet Riley is still out talking about aliens. Riley really seemed to like Armstrong and she said that she liked him as well. Riley got into a discussion about Martin Luther King Jr. because he claims he used to work with him.
Riley handed over a headband to Dr. Armstrong and told her that it was a Cherokee band that made her a Cherokee Princess. He was obviously very taken with her. Howard did more of his Riley impression and had some fun doing that for a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was listening to Riley the other night and thinks that he's fascinating. Howard said that he's thinking about giving his own show because people really do like him. He played another clip where Riley told Dr. Armstrong about his ''symbols'' that he creates for people so they will be picked up by the mother ship when it's time to leave. Dr. Armstrong was going along with all of it and seemed to be buying into his stories.
Howard played the prank call that Evil Dave made to Riley Martin recently. After that he took a phone call from a guy who pointed out how great things seem to be going with Bubba being on his channel and stuff like that. Howard spent a few minutes talking about how he thinks that there are still a lot more of his fans who will be coming over in the future and it's not over yet like some people are predicting. Terrestrial radio still has a stronghold on the listeners out there but after some time satellite will keep eating into that.
Howard played more of the Riley Martin stuff and continued to goof on him for a short time before he had to take another commercial break.
Howard said that Gary was reminding him that when he first met Tristan she was writing a book while working at IBM or something. She was actually an advertising exec and one of her clients was IBM. Gary said he spoke to her before the show and found out she was able to talk about that stuff without getting too dirty back when they were on terrestrial radio. Tristan said that she has done a lot of research on this anal stuff and once did a movie where she had 3 guys and 4 women giving her an anal gang bang.
When the guys first met Tristan, she claimed that she was a nice girl and she would never do porn but she claims that's not true because she was shopping her video around right after her book came out. Howard wondered if Tristan's mother knows what she does. She said she knows everything but her father passed away and doesn't know.
Howard asked Tristan about why she updated this book that she wrote 9 years ago. Tristan said she added 60 pages to the book because she knows more now than she did back then. She said that anal sex can be pleasurable. She thinks that all men should try it at least once in their lives because they do have the prostate in there that can be very sensual. She suggested just taking a finger up there while getting a blow job. Artie said he wouldn't enjoy something like that. Howard said he might be able to take a pinkie up there but that's about it.
Tristan said that most people go too fast and that's not a good thing. You have to take it slow. Howard said that Ronnie the Limo Driver told him that he will sometimes lay on his side next to his wife with his penis on her buttocks. Then you kind of slip it in during the Met game. Tristan said that you really have to warm someone up before going in there. She said that one finger is what you start out with and then you move up to maybe 2 fingers and you have to use a lot of lube.
Tristan said guys should also work a woman in other places before going to the ass. Howard asked what you're supposed to do when the woman complains about pain. Tristan said that the woman may be tensing up too much and she may not be ready yet. Howard said that he has gone in there and has felt some turds. Tristan said that's not how things work, she says that the rectum is just a passage and it's not a storage area. Howard said that's not true because he's run into women who have a big mess in there. Tristan suggested that a woman like that needs to have an enema done before going there.
Howard said that he had a woman stick him in her ass one time and he could feel things floating around in there. He asked Tristan if she's ever had things in there. Tristan said that she knows she's had stuff in there but the ass isn't always as filthy as people think it is. She went on to say that you know you're ready to go in there when you can get in 3 or 4 fingers, or maybe a butt plug, in there.
Tristan said that the anal aperture can actually wink at you and when you see it opening up. She said that you also shouldn't put things in there that can get stuck up there. You need something with a flared base that can't get 'sucked up' in there. It can get lost and then you have to go to the hospital to get it removed. Tristan said that you can get STDs and hepatitis if you don't protect yourself when you go back there.
Howard asked Tristan if she's ever taken a fist back there. She said she has done that but not a lot. She said that the anal stimulation is more intense than her vaginal stimulation so she prefers the anal. Howard gave Tristan a plug for her DVD ''House of Ass'' and for her web site PuckerUp.com.
Howard took a call from a woman who wanted to ask about what she could try with her husband that is very large. Tristan said that she might want to try doggy style or sitting on top of him because that way she could control how far he goes in. She said that her husband is over 9 inches long and he thinks he's small.
Howard read that Tristan likes to shave her ass even though she doesn't have a lot of hair back there. She said she can even do it without looking because she knows her ass so well. Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric. He congratulated Eric on the replay of his Craptacular and then asked him what he wanted to ask. He asked her if she would give him some anal sex since he's a celebrity. Tristan said she would have to meet him first but it's possible because she does have an open relationship with her husband.
Eddie the Produce Guy called in and asked if it's true that it's unsafe if a woman farts while you're giving her anal. Tristan said there is no danger there unless you add hair spray into the mix. Howard asked Tristan about a column that she writes for Taboo magazine. In that she says that a lot of people think about peeing in their partner's ass. Tristan said that a lot of guys just can't do that because they have to lose their erection... but if they are sharing bodily fluids, it would be safe to pee in the partner's ass.
Howard asked Tristan if she would be willing to stick a SIRIUS radio up her ass for them. She said that she's not going there. Howard asked her about crapping in another person's ass. She said that would be a bad idea.
Howard took a call from a couple of women who call themselves Scout and Big Gulp. Tristan knew them so they had a little conversation. That led to Howard asking Tristan to take out her breasts and show them. Howard was impressed when he saw what she had. She's 35 but Howard thought they were pretty perky for 35 year old breasts. He gave her a plug for her book ''The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition'' and asked her what's been updated. She said that she's added stuff on men's anal pleasure and a bunch of other things. She suggested the single finger up a man's ass again and Artie and Fred were both saying they probably wouldn't go there. Benjy said that there's a spot between the balls and ass that make it feel really good but he's never had anything up his ass.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he hooked up with a stripper one time and had anal with her. He said he just had to get her on Ecstasy to get her into that. She was really into him because he had Artie's voice mail on his answering machine. He said it was really good though and he had never had a stripper before. Howard ended up giving the guy a couple of tickets to the film festival before letting him go.
Howard got back to Tristan and she announced that she has just signed with Vivid to be a director for them. Howard said that news was going to overtake Katie Couric's big announcement today. He started to wrap up with Tristan a short time later and said he was going to end the interview by playing her speech from the AVN awards where she was making her speech after accepting her award for the Best Anal Scene.
Howard asked Tristan what the best thing was that she's ever put in her ass. She said that the bet thing was a tuning fork that you put in there and then tap it so it vibrates. Howard wondered why she doesn't come in prepared to show them something like that. She said that she wasn't thinking about that. Gary asked her to ride the Sybian anally but she said she'd have to come back and do that some other time.
Gary asked Robin if they're to believe that she hasn't had anal sex since that time out in San Francisco. Robin said she's had it twice and that was one of them. She met a stranger in out there and she had made out with him for a long time before the anal. She was surprised how easily it went in there but she was very worked up with that guy. Howard played the audio from the AVN awards as he was ending the interview.
Artie said that he remembers meeting Howard when he was about 44 years old and he thought he looked pretty young for his age. Howard then went on to say that he feels that he looks horrible. He saw himself pictured with Allison who was on the show yesterday. He realizes that he's finally hit the wall and looks old. Robin and Artie said that he still doesn't look his age (52). Howard said that he feels like he's gotten to the Richard Lewis point in his life. Richard used to look good when he was dating young chicks but now he's gone down hill and looks very old.
Howard said he remembered the day when Richard hit the wall and how he thought about when that day would come for him and it must have been in the 50s. Howard said he knows that he jumped the shark and hit the wall. Robin argued with him and said that he hardly has a wrinkle in his face. Artie said that Howard still looks very young to him but he does look older than he did when he first met him. Robin said ''so do you Artie!'' Artie knows that as well.
Howard said that he won't allow himself to be on the radio when he gets to the point that Imus is at. He doesn't want to look like that and sound like that when he gets that old. Robin said that part of Howard's problem is the airbrushing that he's doing on his photographs. Howard said that he swears that he's not airbrushing any pictures and the picture he has hanging in his office is not air brushed. Robin doesn't believe it. He told her that they were going to retouch that photo but he refused to let them do that because he wanted it just the way it was. He said he did hit the wall but he doesn't want to be airbrushed so he asks that they not do that for him. He doesn't know if Entertainment Weekly retouched his cover photo but he's hoping they didn't.
Artie said it's a good thing he doesn't have grey hair. Howard said he does have some but not a lot. There was a time when he was getting a lot of grey but that stopped according to his hair stylist, Toni Coburn. Artie said he has a lot of grey hair himself and if he starts losing it from the front, he's going to go the Steven Van Zandt route and wear a hat or something on his head all the time.
Ralph called in and said that Howard didn't do any retouching on those photos that Howard was talking about. He said that the photographer was amazing and she did a great job with him. Howard said that it was the lighting that they did that made him look so good. They wash out his face with the bright lights. Ralph was saying that there are a lot of rejected photos and those don't look so good. Howard agreed and said that there are a lot of bad ones.
Robin said that Richard Lewis is an old man now because he looks like a grandfather. Howard said he feels that he has also hit the wall but he's not quite in Richard's territory yet. He wanted to get off the subject but Ralph kept it going. He wondered when he realized that he hit the wall. Howard said that it's happened in the past 10 years. He used to be ugly and young looking, now he says he's ugly and old.
Bobo called in and asked Howard about his movie poster pictures. Howard said that his book cover pictures were untouched pictures but the movie poster where he was posed over New York City was his face and chest and someone else's arms. They had some kind of model pose for that.
Ralph said that the picture of Howard on the cover of Entertainment Weekly isn't that good so he's not sure what Robin is talking about. She said she's going to have to go back and look at them again.
Howard and Ralph changed the subject and talked about American Idol for a short time. They were talking about how bad everyone was singing country songs. Howard said that they really have to get rid of that fat black chick because she's unwatchable. Ralph said he thinks that she can sing though and they can't get rid of her. They were also talking about Kenny Rogers and how odd he looked last night. The guys were saying that he looks like a completely different guy. Howard wanted to get the show over with so he let Ralph go.
Howard had George Flowers come in with his Howard 100 News Preview. George quickly went over the stuff that they're going to be covering today. Howard asked George if he could do an investigation and find out of the SIRIUS S50 would get reception if they had shoved that thing in Tristan's ass earlier in the show.
Jon Hein was also there with a Wrap Up Show preview even though the show was probably going to run very long. Jon said they'll be talking about Tristan's visit today. They will also be talking about Bobby Badfingers' visit today as well.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he should have written that book that Tristan was promoting this morning. He said that he knows a lot about that stuff and he explained how he makes it happen with his wife. He said that he will go down on her and work her up before he gives her anal. Steve the Intern was in the studio so Howard asked him if he's done that with a woman. Steve said he hasn't done that but he has gotten laid. He does have his own show there on Howard 101 so he can get laid.
Jon mentioned a few more things that they'll be talking about on today's Wrap Up Show and then Howard let Steve talk about what they had coming up on The Intern Show on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm. Howard let all of them go after that and then asked the guys to find out which interns would want to have sex with him. They only had one female intern there so she came in and said that she knows a bunch of her friends are still into him. They also had a gay intern come in. He said he has no desire to sleep with him.
JD came in and said that Kelly and Claudia from last summer's semester liked him. Howard thinks that he hit the wall more recently than that so that doesn't count. JD said that they still like Howard though so maybe he hasn't hit the wall. Howard had Robin start her news after that. They ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show talking about Kenny Rogers singing on American Idol last night. He said that he's not that good anymore and he was singing a new song that was pretty bad. They also talked about how the fat black chick, Mandisa, was kicked off the show. Howard had mentioned earlier in the week that she should be voted off.
Howard was wondering why Chris Rock and Whoopi Goldberg were in the audience of American Idol last night. Robin said that it seems like he's trying to enter the mainstream because he was also on the Kid's Choice Awards recently.
Artie was telling the guys about how he can't seem to get into a mainstream commercial for 7-11 but he didn't get the job because of this show. He was going to get paid $700,000 for 6 days of work. He said that the whole commercial would have been bad but he didn't care because of the money. The big wig from 7-11 heard his pig/coke story and put a stop to him doing the commercial. Meanwhile Snoop Dogg gets a commercial deal and he's the guy who talks about being a pimp who slaps his women around with a shoe.
Howard said that he was pitched an idea to do a Coke commercial years ago but he knew it wouldn't fly with the Coke people. He was right because he never heard back from the guy who was going to pitch the idea to the company.
Robin mentioned that ever since McDonald's moved over to England, the kids over there have been getting fat just like the kids over here. That led to Howard saying that he saw a commercial for an oversized toilet for fat people.
Howard said that CBS could have gotten many other woman for less than they paid for Katie. It could be a very expensive mistake for CBS according to the article. Howard thinks that it will tank and Katie will be moved from the evening news to their morning show. Robin said that won't happen because Leslie's wife, Julie Chen, is the host of that show. Howard was surprised when he heard that and said that he's surprised she hasn't been fired because she gets such low ratings.
Howard said that he ran into a famous executive in show business who wanted to know all of the details of this lawsuit that CBS has filed against him because everyone in show business is laughing at Leslie Moonves for what he's doing. He said that there are people out there who think that Leslie is just ''El Retardo'' when it comes to that case. When he tells people the details of the case they love it.
Howard said he once saw a show being pitched at a NATPE convention that he'd like to bring to his TV network some day. That was the one show that he thought he could make happen and it was ''Bikini Bowling.''
The guys spent a few minutes talking about comic book movies and what Howard thought about them. He was saying that the best Batman movie was actually the Spider-Man movies. He said those stories should have been the kind of plots that the Batman movies should have had. He was also saying that he takes his comic books very seriously and he doesn't want them made into funny movies.
The caller Howard had on the line asked him if he would consider giving David Lee Roth a radio show if CBS fires him. Howard said he thinks that Dave won't be interested in doing a radio show if he gets fired by CBS. He said he will have him on to be interviewed but he wouldn't give him a radio show. He said that CBS should pay Roth if they fire him but he has a feeling that they're going to screw him over.
Howard said that Bubba the Love Sponge sent him a picture of his 3 year old son who he has already started racing in a little race car. He said he was laughing when he saw that. Artie said it would be great if Howard 100 News did a profile on that kid and on Scott Ferrall's kid.
Howard read that Eminem is divorcing his wife again. He read an article about that and spent a couple of minutes talking about that. He also talked about a list of hot Jewish chicks since they talked about that on yesterday's show. Howard read through a list of women and then Sal came through on Gary's microphone and told Howard that his ex-wife was a hot Jew. Howard told him not to use that microphone anymore and that he wanted his ring back.
Howard continued to go through the list of women and agreed that many of the women on the list were hot. Not all of them were. Here are some of the names...
Howard had to explain again that he wasn't calling his fans idiots, he was talking about his own psychosis when he was doing the interview with Entertainment Weekly. He did have one letter that was sent to a newspaper where the guy explained how Howard wasn't missing the point. The writer said that Howard is delivering great shows and it's worth the money to get the service to hear him.
Howard said he was tuned into Bubba's show last night and was enjoying that. He was also tuning in to hear the Howard 100 News and his own show. There's always something going on with his two channels.
Howard took a call from a guy in Peoria and said that Will had spelled it ''PEUORIA'' on the computer screen. Howard said he was listening to his show recently and noticed that the phone callers are sometimes hard to hear. That technology hasn't been worked out quite yet.
Howard said that Blue Iris is coming in to ride the Sybian today. Robin said today might be the day that the Sybian Jumps the Shark. Artie did his impression of Blue Iris for a couple of minutes and pretended to be riding the thing. It was probably about as sexy as the actual ride would be later in the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there was something missing from the David Letterman show from the last time he was on. It was the Top 10 List. Howard said that's because he was such a great guest and they had to make time for him so they cut that out. The caller thought that was the only time they've ever done that but Howard thought that they had done it in the past. Howard said that they actually did the Top 10 List that night but it was cut out from the show when it actually aired.
Melrose Larry Green called in to talk about American Idol. He was surprised that the fat black chick was voted off because she had a great voice. Howard agreed with her having a great voice but he thinks that no one wants to look at a fat chick singer. The guys were talking about the other singers on the show and Artie asked them what the hell they were talking about. He's not into that awful show.
Melrose was going on and on about how much he loves SIRIUS. Gary told Howard that Melrose thinks that there's some big conspiracy to keep him off the show. Howard said that he's on now so there's no conspiracy.
Howard said that he got some really good chocolate covered matzo from Lisa G. That led to him explaining the history of the Jews and how they came up with matzo. He had to go to break a short time later.
Mike said that Mr. T was the only person in his world that didn't do drugs because his friends were doing them and even his family was doing them. Howard said that's actually kind of sweet and Mr. T was a better parent to him that his parents were. Howard said that maybe he should have worshiped Mr. T himself.
Howard asked the guys if they had the Mr. T song where he sings to kids about not doing drugs. He asked Mike how old he is now and he found out he's 32. Howard still thinks that collecting Mr. T dolls is kind of strange. Mike told him that he and a friend of his have somewhere around 5,000 pieces in their collection. Howard said they'd probably worth nothing. Mike said he has an extra apartment where he stores the stuff and he's spent over $20,000 for all of the stuff.
Gary was working on getting the Mr. T song for Howard. Howard said that people have been complaining about his speaker box because they tried to make it sound like it did back at K-Rock. He messed around with the audio for a short time but it sounded worse and worse. As they were messing with it, Mike was laughing. Gary asked him what he was laughing at, he has a Mr. T collection. Howard said that the guy is probably mentally ill.
Mike told Howard that he's in the middle of separating from his wife but she's not asking for his collection. She knows better than that. He said that every box that he moved from his old apartment was full of Mr. T stuff and it was about 150 boxes. Howard wondered how long it took before he introduced that collection to his wife. Mike wasn't sure how long it took. Howard figured it must be tough to do something like that. He said that Ralph has a collection of super hero dolls and he had a hot chick come over to his place one time and freaked her out. She came over to Howard's place and told him that her friend told her to head for the hills. Howard said that he told Ralph that he had to get rid of those dolls because this chick was making fun of him behind his back.
Mike said that his wife thought that the stuff was kind of cute when they first met. He said that he's also got a Mr. T tattoo on his arm and his friend also has some Mr. T tattoos. Howard asked him what he does for a living. Mike said that he's actually a college professor at Cooper Union. Gary told Howard that he got a tattoo of the college because he was so into that as well.
Gary told Howard that he found Mr. T's ''Be Good To Your Mother'' song. Howard played that song and Mike said that Ice T actually wrote some of the songs on that album. Mike said that he owns about 8 copies of that album and some of them are in Spanish.
Gary told Howard that Mike owns a bunch of domain names and when Mr. T was working on a new reality show called ''Pity The Fool'' he offered to give up the domain they were looking for but he wanted a call from Mr. T. Mr. T never called him. Howard said that he had to do something like that to get the HowardStern.com domain name. He said that he had to have a meeting with the guy who owned it and he was kind of bummed out that he had to do something like that to get the domain. Gary said that there's a guy who owns the BabaBooey domain and wanted to sell it to him but he doesn't want it that bad. Artie said that someone owns his domain name as well and he figures he's screwed. That's why he had to use the Artie-Lange.com domain instead.
Mike said that he owns a lot of ''Pity the Fool'' domains and started to rattle them off. He said they all point to MrTAndMe.com where he has his collection pictures. He said he's working on a book about the collection so that's why he has all of the PityTheFool domain names.
Howard said that he was looking at a picture of this guy and he looked familiar to him. Mike said he was in Union Square but he's not sure he would have seen him there. It turns out it was actually a picture of Mike's friend Greg that they were looking at. Howard and Artie both thought that he looked familiar.
Mike told Howard that it was thanks to him that he got to meet Mr. T because he went down to an autograph signing that was promoted on the show. Mike said that he was able to have his picture taken with him and when he went outside, he broke down and cried a little bit.
Mike said that his favorite piece in his collection is a Mr. T plastic guitar. Artie said he gets the feeling that every piece has been up this guy's ass. Mike got a laugh out of that. Howard said the amazing thing is how many things that Mr. T actually put his name on. Mike told him he has no idea how much crap was actually put out. Howard let him go a short time later and gave him a plug for MrTAndMe.com.
Artie thinks that there are probably people out there who have Howard Stern collections like that. Howard doesn't put out nearly that much crap though. He said he's resisted doing stuff like that but some guy sent him some Howard Stern Fist logos and he stuck one on his Franklin Covey book that looks pretty cool. He started thinking that it was kind of a cool idea. Ronnie asked him to get him one for his truck.
Howard said his mother calls him asking all kinds of medical questions. He said he's lucky enough to have Dr. Daniel Baker as a friend so he can call him at night and ask him some questions about the stuff his mother is worried about. He said that his parents are afraid to ask a doctor about this stuff. He said that Dr. Baker told him how tough it is to get through that and how his sister will be in pain for a while.
Howard said he told his mother to mention his name at the hospital and maybe they'll help her out. She's afraid of doing that. Howard thinks that they believe that the doctors will kill them or something.
Howard took a call from a woman who was very excited to be on the air. She was saying how great the show has been since they moved there. She also said that the fans should join up and tune in. The woman is a truck driver so Howard asked her if she ever pleasures herself while on the road. She said she has done that because the vibration from the truck can make her horny. She said that she's pretty hot and guys are surprised at how good looking she actually is. Howard asked her to pleasure herself right then but she said she wasn't sure she could do that. She said she was too nervous to do that this morning.
The caller told Howard that she gets turned on just thinking about her husband and she can't help herself when she does herself. Howard ended up giving her some tickets to his Howard Stern Film Festival. He told Gary to keep a list of people that he can check out when they go to the festival so he can see what they look like.
Howard said that there will be a bunch of celebrity entries for the Film Festival. Howard is voicing some stuff for Doug's movie. Artie was upset that he wasn't able to get the help from the In Demand guys. Doug said that he wanted some ridiculous stuff that they can't get, that's why they couldn't help him out. Artie said it was some standard news footage that they should have been able to help him with.
Howard said that there should be like 8 or 9 finalists at the festival and he's hoping to have Red Peters at the Festival. Doug wasn't following what he was suggesting so Howard went off on him telling him that he wants Red to perform at the start of the festival. Howard wanted certain things done and Doug apparently didn't remember exactly what he wanted so Howard wondered why he sends out mail. Doug said he has a stack of e-mail from Howard and he can't remember everything he's sent to him.
Howard wanted Doug and Gary to get some celebrity judges but they're still bothering him trying to get him to help. He just wants them to handle it. Doug said he's just keeping Howard in the loop, that's his job. Howard played the Red Peters' song that he wants him to perform at the event and then found out that they haven't even contacted Red yet to find out if he's available.
Doug told Howard that they can fit just under 600 people in the theater that they're holding the festival at. The caller said that his movie is called ''Searching For Baba Booey'' and it's right around 4.5 minutes long total. Howard asked Doug to run him through the whole film festival. Doug said that Red will perform that song that Howard just played... The arguing started right away. Howard said he wants an orchestra there to perform with him but Doug said that won't happen because of budget and timing. Howard said it would be great if they had a full orchestra there. Doug said he'd look into that.
Doug said that Howard will come out after Red Peters and then the judges will all come out and say hello. They have Richard Roeper set up to do that and they're looking for a couple more celebrities to do the event. They then play Howard's movie ''Fred.'' That movie will open the festival. Then Howard introduces Artie and he does some stand-up and reads the rules. Howard said that it would be great if someone made a movie about a Devil Dog's life and death in Artie's stomach. He described the movie and it sounded like a good idea. Artie said he's been pitched a bunch of ideas for movies where he gets attacked by a vending machine and things like that.
Doug said that after Artie does his thing, they're going to play the trailer for ''Beer League'' and then they'll bring up the finalists. Everyone will watch those movies and then they'll watch the staff films. They'll tally the votes while the judges votes are tallied.
Doug said that after the festival they will have an after party for a select few people. Howard said he'd like to have all 600 people there but Doug said that won't happen. They will have some fans of the show there and the people from the show. Doug said that they're already $50,000 over budget so it all comes down to money.
Lisa mentioned that the SuperFan RoundTable is on Howard 101 tonight at 7. Artie said that he's going to be a guest on that show tonight as well.
Gerard asked Howard if he could go to the film festival. Howard said that he could give him the tickets or a $1000 prize. The guy said he would rather go to the festival. He said he needed the money but he would rather go to the festival.
Artie said that he saw a preview of Sal's movie and it was looking very well done to him. Howard said he was on set during the filming of some of it but he wasn't sure if the mouths moved on the vegetables that were speaking. Sal said that they move around but they don't have moving mouths. Artie plays a sausage and Benjy plays the cucumber. Richard Christy plays a corn cob and JD plays the grapes that Robin uses for sex. Sal had a trailer created for the movie so Howard played that before going to commercial break.
Howard played a voice mail message that Riley Martin left for Robin. He was pissed that she was goofing on his ''symbols'' that he creates for people. He said that there is no better gift that he could have given her. He demanded that she send back his symbols until she cleans her shit up. The symbols are no longer valid for her.
Howard said that he doesn't believe that even Riley believes in what he's saying. The symbols are supposed to be a ticket to get on the mother ship when they come to take people away. Howard said he threw his symbols in the garbage after Riley gave him some. Robin said she did the same thing. They're going to feel like fools if that mother ship does come down to get them some day though.
A phone caller said that he had no desire to see Blue Iris riding the Sybian when it airs on Howard TV On Demand. Howard thinks the guy will watch it even if he says he won't. The caller was also saying that he entered a movie called ''Revelation Blue Balls'' in the film festival. He asked for tickets to the festival so Howard gave him a pair even though he knows he should be saying ''no'' to some of them.
Howard read a few news stories and talked about Eminem's pending divorce. He also brought up Darryl Strawberry and talked about his cocaine addiction.
Riley Martin was on the phone so Howard picked him up and asked him about these symbols that he creates. He's guessing that they're like tickets to get on the mother ship. Riley told Howard that if he had honestly lost his symbols in a fire or something, he would have no problem. Since he threw them out, he will not get on the mother ship and someone more worthy will get to ride with him and the aliens instead. Howard asked why it matters to the aliens if he threw it out or lost it in some way. Riley said that it makes a big difference. He was also ready to send them some unpainted symbols that they can color in themselves.
Riley was saying that he thinks that Howard and Robin are too high and mighty to think that something can happen to them. Riley suggested that the fans check out his web site (TheComingOfTan.com) to see some of the symbols themselves. Riley was upset with Howard and Robin for talking about his shit. He said he loves them but he also can't stand when they talk bad about him.
Howard asked Riley about his flirting with Dr. Armstrong during his Meet the Shrink session. Riley said that he's a married man and wouldn't mess with that. Howard also asked Riley about speaking to David Letterman the other day. It was actually Evil Dave that he spoke to.
Artie asked if he could get one of those Symbols from him. Riley said that he would send him one but the rest of them have to pay for them through his web site. Riley charges $38.50 per symbol because it takes many man hours to put them together. Riley was saying that there is only so much ass that he will kiss and he's tired of them speaking disparagingly about him.
Riley said that if people sell their symbols, they can not ride on the mother ship. Howard read some of the stuff Riley has on the web site about the symbols. He will call the person he is creating the symbol for because he has to get a reading from them. Robin asked why he's never given them a reading. He said that it should have been on her symbol that she threw in the garbage. Howard admitted that he threw his out as well. He let Riley go a short time later.
Howard said that he didn't think that Katie Couric's speech about leaving NBC to move to CBS was kind of lame, too thought out and not coming from the heart. Robin said she heard that they spent 48 hours behind the scenes coming up with what to say.
Howard said that he read that the late Price is Right announcer, Rod Roddy, was trying to keep it a secret that he was gay but the tabloids are saying that he used to fly to Thailand to find gay lovers. He read the article that was written about the guy. The weird suits he used to wear were actually created over there in Bangkok. Howard said that's pretty strange thing to do, flying over to Thailand to hide your homosexuality. That led to Howard talking about Liberace and how he actually won a court case where he sued a newspaper because they called him gay. Howard wondered what kind of people were on the jury that awarded Liberace the win in that case. Artie said it was probably the OJ Simpson jury.
Gary came in and said that they had a woman on the phone who said that Rod Roddy was actually pretty much out. Howard got her on the line. She said that she doesn't believe that the story is true that he was flying to Thailand. The woman said that he was a lovely man. She said that she used to work on the show but she's no longer with them.
Howard said that Blue is a woman who does porno and she is an old-age or Granny Porn actress. She once banged a guy while she was in a walker. She also had to take oxygen one time that she was getting banged. Howard spoke to Blue about the granny porn fetish thing. She said that one time she ran into a guy who came in his pants after just taking one look at her.
Gary told Howard that Blue's ''back tits'' were at least a C-cup. Howard had her turn around and said he was right. She actually has more on her back than she does on the front. Howard asked Blue what some of her movie names are but she couldn't remember them. She was also saying that she has gained weight because she's on steroids for her asthma.
Blue was in the hospital not too long ago for bleeding internally. She had blood in her stool so that's how she knew it was going on. She said that she saw it on the toilet paper. Right after that she said she had a cute story to tell. She said she was about 8 months pregnant and she wanted to get some pizza. She went over to her mother's house and she was all made up with her night cream and stuff like that. She said that she got in the elevator with her and when they got down to the main floor someone said that she didn't look too good. (The story didn't make sense to me either.)
Gary said that Blue claims that she doesn't do interracial stuff but Gary said he had just seen a scene that she did with 3 guys and one of them was black. Howard got back to the story that Blue was telling about being in the hospital. He was under the impression that she had seduced someone while she was there but she said that actually happened with a cerebral palsy guy about 10 years ago.
Richard came in and said that Blue was with a young black guy in movie one time but she didn't remember it. Blue said that she's attracted to Jewish men. She wanted to plug her web site BlueIrisWebSite.com.
Gary said that he heard that Blue had sex with someone in the bathroom at the Comedy Store. She said that was actually about a year ago though. She also claims that she's smoked weed with Snoop Dogg. Howard didn't want to hear her stories so he told her that they have to get her on the Sybian. Gary told him one more story about her acting as a dominatrix and when the guys cum, she'll make them lick it up.
Howard asked Blue if it's medically okay for her to ride the Sybian today. She said that she should be fine. He also said that she didn't want to get nude for them because she's gained about 10 pounds. Howard wanted to at least see her boobs so she agreed to that. Howard said it didn't look that bad. Fred played some of Doug Goodstein's vomiting sound effects after the breast came out.
Gary said that he has been preparing for this Sybian ride for weeks now but Sal really wanted to run the thing. Howard told Gary that he's going to run it, not Sal. Howard had her get on the Sybian as Fred was playing a bunch of vomiting sounds. Blue said that she might need some lube to help her out on the thing. She had a see-through dress on according to Howard. He didn't want her to have a heart attack while riding the thing.
Blue took off her panties because she didn't want to get them wet. Will said he caught a glimpse of her big ''gunt'' when she did that. There were more vomiting sounds coming from Fred's computer. Howard had the guys help Blue get on the Sybian and no one wanted to look as she was doing it. Blue was trying to put the thing inside of her and it was grossing out some of the guys. Blue was breathing heavy so Gary had him start it out kind of slow. Blue said she was fine but not comfortable on the thing. She wanted to get off the thing before they even started it. They took the attachment off of the machine and gave her an attachment without the dildo on it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him to please stop this because it was disgusting. Howard said that Blue wanted to ride it so he was going to let her do it. Blue hopped back on after they gave her a new attachment. Gary started off slowly with about 20 percent. They ramped it up a little bit and Blue was kind of moaning and breathing heavy. She said it was making her hot. She was done at 30 percent, she didn't want them raising it up any more than that. She wasn't sure she could have an orgasm on the thing though.
Howard said he's pretty sure that the Sybian has jumped the shark as of this point. Blue said that she was having an orgasm right after that. She sounded like she was walking up a flight of stairs as she was having it. She said that there were too many people in there and it was enough for her. Howard had Gary turn it off.
Blue said that she did have an orgasm and she was tingling all over. She said that she'd like to have one of them in her home. Howard said that her panties are huge and wondered where she gets them. She tried to put them back on and ended up pulling a Sharon Stone and showed her area. Howard thought that she was totally shaved but she said she only shaved one time and it threw her off so she doesn't shave anymore.
Howard let Blue get in a few plugs for her web site and comedy show ''The Ding Dong Show'' that she appears in at the Comedy Store out in California. He took some calls for her and some guys were saying they were nauseous and/or vomiting already. Irish John called in and said that it's time to burn that Sybian. Another guy wanted them to get a hot chick to ride it so they can get over this. Howard said that Tera Patrick is coming in to ride it soon so that will help. Blue told a couple of lame jokes for the guys but she warned them that she's not a joke teller. The jokes weren't funny and weren't easy to follow.
One caller said that he was watching SIRIUS stock as this was going on and it was taking a tumble. Another caller suggested that they have her shove an S50 tuner up her ass. Blue said she didn't want to do that so Howard mentioned that this will all be airing by tomorrow night sometime on Howard TV On Demand. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had to puke from hearing Blue Iris. Another guy said that he was very glad it was over with and he wasn't sure if Buck Angel or Blue Iris riding that thing was worse. Howard said that it was Buck that was worse than Blue. Howard asked Artie if he could get it up for Blue if someone offered him $10 million. Artie said he'd give it a hell of a try for that kind of money.
Another caller said that he cracked a hard on while he was listening to Blue Iris. He said he'd love to bang her real hard. High Pitch Eric called in and said that he would like to bang her too. Artie played the part of Blue and told Eric that he's too gross for her. Blue Artie said that he heard that Eric was 400 pounds but Eric said that he's only 335 pounds. Howard told Eric that Blue was so grossed out by Eric that he was the only one that she wouldn't sleep with. Eric offered her $500 to sleep with him but that didn't work either. Blue Artie told him that it would cost him $5 million.
Howard said that Jon Hein must not be germphobic because he put on Blue Iris' headphones. He let George Finish up his preview where he mentioned the Mr. Skin minute that will air tonight. Howard said that he goes on MrSkin.com and looks up some women like Angie Everhart. He and Beth were actually looking at her nude scenes over there recently.
The guys were talking about Rebecca Romijn's new show ''Pepper Dennis'' and Gary was giving Howard the ratings information. It apparently kept most of the audience that the lead in show had. Howard said that the guys on SFN were saying that Rebecca wasn't hot enough on that show. They want to see her dressing sexy and getting dragged around by her hair.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking about Blue Iris' ride on the Sybian and about Mike the Mr. T collector. Doug Goodstein will be on to talk about the film festival as well. Howard said that Doug seems to be a bit out of focus when he's talking about that festival. Doug came in and tried to explain everything. It helped him out a little bit but Doug gave Jon Hein a ''fuck you'' as he was leaving. Howard asked him what that was about. Doug said that Jon has been giving him a hard time about not having his shit together. He said he made a comment to him earlier about not having his shit together and he's got a lot of shit to handle.
Howard said that was the first time that Jon had been attacked on the show. Jon said it was nice to be part of the family. He finished up his preview of the Wrap Up show and handed it back over to Howard.
Howard said that it's kind of funny that Kevin is blowing through all of Britney Spears' money. She's all fat from having a baby now so she probably won't be bringing anymore money in with her albums. Robin thought it was odd how she went from being a virgin to being a slut.
Howard said he would like to be able to log on at any time. Mutt said they can handle a lot of people on the site these days since moving to a new hosting company. Howard told Mutt that he's doing a great job on the show and he's very happy with him. Mutt said that means a lot to him and he really appreciates that. Howard was saying that King of All Blacks can get kind of annoying on the show sometimes and he doesn't know much about the show sometimes. Mutt said he also doesn't listen to what they're saying sometimes and he won't stop talking.
Howard said that King was very articulate during the lawsuit discussions on the SuperFan Roundtable. Tonight they have Zolar on the show. Mutt said they'll also be talking about Scott Ferrall joining the channel. There will also be a discussion about the Miserable Men Show vs. Riley Martin's show and which one should get a full time slot. Mutt was saying that he likes Riley but he's not sure he could listen to that week after week like he could with the Miserable Men Show.
Howard said that some fans have been sending in song parodies about Leslie Moonves. He had one that was to the tune of Vinnie Favale's ''Restless, Restless'' song. He played that one and it was pretty funny.
King of All Blacks called in and said that he really appreciates being called an idiot on the show. Howard said that no one was calling him an idiot. King said he believes he's smarter than anyone on the Superfan Roundtable show and that's why he talks so much. He said that they hate him over at SFN and one guy calls him the King of All Monkeys. Howard said that King has to give other people a chance to talk when he's on that show. He let him go right after that and then played another song parody about Leslie Moonves. He wasn't into that one and only lasted about 5 seconds before cutting it off. He had Robin start her news right after that.
Robin mentioned that she was having some trouble with her own party guest list. She wondered if Howard was serious about not wanting Sal at her party. Howard said he thinks that he just sits and stares at him the whole time so he would prefer it if he wasn't there but he doesn't want to tell her who not to invite.
Fred said that he thinks that if Robin did invite Sal, he would go through all of her stuff. Sal came in and said that he would be on his best behavior if he was invited. Robin said that someone suggested that she watch Sal's New Year's Eve party that's On Demand before inviting him.
Gary said that Sal is still obsessing on what happened earlier in the morning with him getting on mic and Howard getting pissed at him. Gary said that Sal is still asking him if he thinks that Howard is mad at him. Sal asked Robin what's wrong with him studying people and making observations. Robin heard that and said he was out because of that comment. Gary told Sal that Howard doesn't want to be noticed when he's at a party like that.
Robin isn't that comfortable around Richard either so she's not sure she's invite him. Howard said he's very comfortable with him and he'd have him over to his apartment. Robin said he does get very drunk sometimes and that kind of freaks her out. Benjy is also on the list of people she's not sure of. Howard thinks that Benjy is fine as well. He once slept over at Stuttering John's house and woke up in the middle of the night with night terrors. Benjy said he just had a bad dream that night.
Robin said that the only person on the invite list so far is Howard. There are some other people that she's thinking of inviting but she's still not sure. JD she loves but she's not sure if she's going to invite him or not. She doesn't want him bringing a date though. Artie said that the person who suffers is Sal's wife. Artie said that he likes hanging out with her. Howard told Robin to go ahead and invite Sal's wife then, just cut off Sal.
Howard heard that Artie and Dana are over because he refuses to go to the shrink. Artie said that things are not over and they just made love 2 weekends ago. Artie said that she keeps bringing up how he needs to go to the shrink but he keeps putting it off. He said he tried to convince her that he was going once a week but that fell apart and he told her that he was lying. Artie said that everyone thinks that would be good for him to go.
Robin said that the party she's having will be a barbecue and a bunch of the guys from In Demand and from the show will be invited. She's even going to be taking people out for rides on her boat. Benjy asked Howard if he would rather go to a party like this or have his whole day off. Howard said he wasn't going to answer that and the question wasn't as dumb as he thought it was going to be.
Howard said he heard that this new house of Robin's is pretty amazing. Ronnie came in and said that Penny Crone was out there complaining that the Howard 100 News department wasn't invited. Robin said that no one has been invited yet.
Ronnie said he heard that the house that Robin has is like something you'd see in the movies. Robin said that they're building it up to be something that it's not. She said that she's got a wet bar in her bedroom though. Robin said that she may set up a pool table and things like that for people. She has a jet ski for people to play with as well.
Howard said that he's perfectly willing to spend the day with Sal and Robin can invite her if she wants. Robin sounded confused by his flip flopping on Sal. She said that her heated pool will be running then as well. Ronnie said that Scott the Engineer has been out there bitching about how he wasn't invited to do the car show in New York this week. Scott came in and said that he was just busting his balls out there. He's not serious when he's complaining about something like that. Ronnie thinks that he was upset when he heard that he was getting paid to do the car show.
Howard took a call from a guy who had done some work on pulling out the audio from the AC/DC song ''Highway To Hell'' that they were talking about earlier. He was taking out the background noise and said that it's definitely the N-word being said in the song. That led to Fred playing his slowed down version as well. He said that someone told him that Billy Joel uses the N-word in his song ''Movin' Out'' so he tried to pull that clip. He was having some trouble getting it to work though so Howard took a phone call to kill some time.
Fred eventually played the clip and it sounds like he's saying ''Nig*** can't drive with a broken back'' but Artie thought he was saying Nicky. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Howard had Artie tell a story about Evil Dave because it was so funny. Artie said that he was doing a show out in Chicago near where Evil Dave lives. Dave asked him if he wanted him to leave a message on his answering machine as David Letterman. Artie said he wanted to shut the guy up so he let him do it. After he was done Evil Dave turned to him and said that he usually charges $50. Artie had let him into the show for free but he figured the guy wanted to get paid so he gave him fifty bucks. Dave said he wasn't really asking for the money but he did accept it.
Since Howard was on the subject of Evil Dave, he played the prank that the guys in the back pulled on him the other day. They had Dave reading a Bubba the Love Sponge promo and they told him that Howard got mad about that and didn't want him doing spots for Bubba's show. Dave got very upset and asked what he should do so they had him record an apology for Howard. Dave took full blame and even sang a song as an apology for Howard. That's when the guys broke the news to him that they were jerking him around.
Howard heard that Fiona Apple was going to be performing there at SIRIUS today so he wanted to go watch her. He heard that she's going to be performing around 1pm so he wasn't sure if he would be around then. Gary told Howard he's got a meeting after the show meeting today. Howard didn't know what he was talking about so he filled him in that it was Steve the Intern who wanted to meet with him. Howard said he told Gary to book the meeting without telling him, that way he wouldn't bum out about it before the meeting. Howard said he wants to tell Howard an idea he has and he refused to tell Gary what the idea was.
Howard said that Gary usually takes the meetings and then relays the message to him. Howard won't even meet with his own guys but this guy Steve is in a wheelchair. Will came in and told Howard that it really is hard to say no to Steve. He used to ask him to empty out his pee bucket and he would do it for him because he felt so bad for him. Howard said he just can't say no to someone in a wheelchair. Howard had Robin finish up her news and then ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about getting all drained after trying to lose weight. He said he had his daughter over last night and had some steamed chicken meal that Beth calls ''Concoc'' since it's a concoction of a bunch of things. He said that he doesn't feel run down but he just can't lose weight. Howard said he had a good night last night and then watched some TV. He couldn't remember what he watched though.
Artie said he watched some Monty Python last night and laughed his ass off for about an hour. Howard can't stand that show. He got back to his weight loss and explained why his voice was shot this morning. He hasn't been able to run so that's why he's got the jiggly belly. Whenever he tries to run, he loses his voice. Artie said he tried to play half-court basketball a few weeks ago and he only lasted a few minutes.
Ralph came over with some new clothes for Howard last night because he likes to change his clothes for the TV show. He said he doesn't know why because Artie just wears the same thing day after day. Artie said that he tends to wear the same jacket for the whole winter. Howard asked him if he thought about the fact that Carmen Electra was coming in today. Artie said he had forgotten about that but by changing his shirt, he doesn't think he's going to be able to get her.
Howard said he wants to look good for Carmen because he's actually showered with her. Artie asked him if he's ready to trim the bull shit off of that story yet. Howard said he's going to wait a few more years. He said that JD high fived him yesterday for getting that shower. Robin said that would have been enough for JD and made it sound like Howard had done more than shower with her.
Howard said he beat off last night after his daughter left. He had been drinking and polished off a bottle of wine. His daughter may have had one glass and he drank the rest. He said that it's cool having a 23 year old daughter. He told Robin not to tell Carmen Electra that he's got a kid that old though. He said he's going to tell her that his oldest is 11 years old.
Howard said he was watching Survivor last night and noticed that some of the girls on the show are looking really good. He said it takes a while before you see how hot some of them are. He said he hates that it's on CBS but he loves that show and ''How I Met Your Mother.'' Robin said she likes that show as well but she hasn't been watching Survivor. Howard also watched Wednesday's ''Lost'' since he hadn't seen it yet.
After all of those shows Howard watched ''The Devil and Ms. Jones'' since that was in his DVD player. He keeps going to the same scene where Jenna Jameson and Savanna Samson get it on. He said it gets pretty intense and he tries to finish before he gets to a certain part where they have a wide shot of a bunghole. Even after all of that he's still horny and can't wait to see Carmen Electra.
Gary had the guy ask his question. Robert said that he wants to know when he's going to have Bobcat Golthwait and Richard Belzer on the show. Howard said he's pretty sure that won't happen because they got into a fight years ago. Now Bobcat is directing Jimmy Kimmel's show. Gary said he knows that Bobcat was kind of pissed off at them but came in and made up... but then got pissed off again when they were talking about Kurt Cobain. That pissed him off again and he stopped coming in after that. Howard said Bobcat did the same thing with Dee Snider and kind of screwed him over. Howard said that they will have Belzer on again, he just hasn't been in lately. He told the caller not to worry about that.
Robert asked Howard for some tickets for the upcoming Film Festival. Howard said that there are a lot of films coming in for the Howard Stern Film Festival. Gary said that Sam Simon wants to send in a movie. He also said he called in and asked M Night Shayamalan to be one of the judges but he's too busy to come in. Howard ended up giving Robert some tickets to the Film Festival.
Howard told Sal that he was going to ask him again and he had better come clean. Sal asked to read the e-mail to see who it came from. Howard asked him once again if it was his e-mail. Sal said he has never sent in an e-mail from another account like that and he's not lying to him. Howard told him to liberate himself now and not bull shit him. He asked him why he feels he has to send e-mails to the show like that. Sal insists that he doesn't do that.
Sal said that it had to be some kind of error, he didn't send it in on purpose. Gary came in and held a ''Moron'' sign over his head. Will came in and said that Sal probably cut and pasted the clip from SternFanNetwork in his e-mail because he's done that in the past. He claims that Sal stole the idea for the Wack Pack Revelation show from SFN as well. Sal got pissed when he heard that and started yelling at Will. He told him to get the hell out of there and that he should go get cancer again.
Fred said that he reads the e-mail and told Howard that if you look at both e-mails, you can see that the spellings are the same, the spaces are the same and it was obviously lifted by Sal. Sal said he wasn't denying that he copied that and sent it to them. He still insists that he didn't steal any ideas from SFN.
Will asked Sal where he got the idea for the Mexican Delivery Guy bit they did. Sal said that he came up with that idea even though Will thinks that Dan the Song Parody Man came up with it. Howard told Sal to go back to his cubby and make prank calls.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he hates Sal and that they should move on. Howard told Sal that it's funny that he's sending in e-mails to the show about his work being ripped off. As Sal was leaving Fred played a ''Sal's a Homo'' song parody. Artie said he never thought about doing anything like that in the 5 years he's been there.
Howard said that one of the Page Six guys is being investigated for extortion for trying to get some money from a guy to give him good press. Howard said that really doesn't surprise him coming from the NY Post. He said it's kind of sad that they didn't think about doing that themselves to get some good press. Howard said they call that Lobbying down in Washington DC. Howard read the story about what happened with this guy and how he got caught by the FBI. Howard said that what he likes about the story is that Richard Johnson was being hounded by photographers like they do to celebrities.
Howard got back to the Katie Couric thing and said that now Patrica Heaton may move to The View where Meredith Viera is leaving so it's causing a whole chain reaction. He said that Elisabeth Haselbeck from The View was talking about how just talking to guys can lead to infidelity in a marriage. Gary twas telling Howard that Patricia Heaton is more annoying than any of the women on The View. Howard said that there's also talk that they may get rid of Star Jones.
Howard read that when Meredith Viera made her announcement there was a lot of crying going on over there at The View. He was wondering how all of this stuff goes down so fast because everyone is under contract. He wasn't able to get out of his contract with CBS for over 14 months while he was at the old station. He played a clip of Meredith making her announcement about being asked to go to The Today Show.
Gary came in and told Howard that Patricia Heaton really annoys him. He was on a web site of hers and it's a feminist pro-life site where they have a quote that was really irritating to him. They spent a few seconds on that and then played more clips from The View where they were saying goodbye to Meredith.
Robin said that she passed up the chance to do an interview with Kathie Lee Gifford this week. It was going to be about child abuse and it would have been late at night so she passed. Howard said that she could have asked Kathie Lee about putting her kids on TV when they didn't want to be if she had done that show. It didn't happen though.
Howard said that Fred has been playing a clip where Robin went off on Linda Ronstadt on The Tonight Show and he loves that. Robin said that happened when she was out promoting her book. Howard said that he remembers those days because Robin was really stressed out back then. He also had Jackie to deal with back then so it was a tough time. Robin actually walked off the show one time because Howard asked her why she was late for a book signing. Howard never did figure out what set her off like that.
Ronnie said that this chick can really get him turned on and she doesn't make it sound dirty when she's talking the way she does. Howard said he heard that the day they were playing the Playboy channel on his show they blew out the customer service lines because so many people were signing up for it.
Howard got a hold of a picture of Tiffany Granath and he said that she was really hot. Ronnie said he was going to call into her show the other day but he figured he'd hold off for a while. He told Howard that she claims she likes to masturbate while she drives. Howard asked him if he really believes that. Ronnie said he does, especially after seeing that picture of her.
Bobo asked Howard for tickets to the Howard Stern Film Festival but Howard had one stipulation, that he not wear his toupee. Bobo wasn't sure he could do that. That led to the guys talking about the toupee and how ridiculous it looks on his head. Howard read that Bobo already had tickets to the festival and he was trying to weasel more. Bobo said he wasn't sure if he was going to get them or not. Howard said that wasn't cool because so many people want tickets.
Howard asked where the film festival is going to be taking place. Doug hadn't mentioned the name of the theater yet. Doug came in a short time later and said that it's the Hudson Theater, it wasn't a big secret or anything.
Howard said that he can't believe that he has a boner this early in the morning. He knows that the interview with Carmen Electra can go all wrong because he's all sexed up and may not be able to think straight during the interview. He had to go to break after that.
Lisa G came in a short time later to give them a Howard 100 News Preview. Artie said that the vending machine guy had just insulted him. He mentioned to the guy that he likes the Cheez-Its so the guy says to him ''You like everything!'' Artie said he laughed but then gave him an F-you.
Lisa G said that they'll be talking about Howard thinking that he hit the wall. The Howard 100 News team doesn't believe he's hit the wall like he thinks he has. She said that his complexion is amazing and they'll talk to experts about how Howard looks. She said they'll also be talking about a documentary about where the F-word came from and Red Peters is part of that. Scott the Engineer's black cloud will also be part of a story they're working on for the news.
Howard said that black cloud story was told to Scott by his own mother. She thought that the whole family was cursed and it almost seems that she was right. Scott's whole life may have been changed because of what his mother told him about that black cloud. Lisa said she's not sure how to break that curse but maybe Penny Crone will fill them in during her story. Robin said that if anyone can break that curse, it's Penny.
Scott the Engineer came in a short time later so Howard asked him when his mother actually told him he had that black cloud. Scott said it was probably when he was in his early teens... just when his life was starting to bloom. Howard asked him what caused her to say such a thing. Scott said that it was her family with her parents and sisters. Things just never went well for them and that's where she developed that black cloud theory.
Robin asked if Scott has broken that news to his son. Scott said that his son doesn't have that curse so it may have been broken by him. Scott's mother isn't around to ask about the curse. Scott said that his sister is still cursed though and she's probably got it worse than he does. Howard figures that if they left Scott at K-Rock, he'd be ahead of his sister and Scott agreed with that.
Scott said that when he was 11 or 12 years old the curse started. He said he remembers things not going so well for him from about that time. He said that he remembers that when things would seem like they were going in the right direction, that cloud would open up and everything would go wrong. When things would go wrong in the family, his mother would always say that it was that black cloud following them around.
Howard said that his mother was always encouraging him when he was a kid so he can't imagine what it was like for Scott. Scott said his mother would encourage them but she would blame that black cloud when things went wrong. Howard wanted to talk to some of Scott's family about the black cloud. He thanked Scott for coming in and let him and Lisa G go as he took another commercial break.
Carmen was brought in a short time later and Howard said that she really does look good after losing some weight. Howard said that when you're married to a guy who is just as small, or smaller, than she is, you have to lose some weight. Carmen said that her husband can actually wear her pants. She's only 5'3'' tall and weighs about 107 pounds. Howard said that's just about right for her.
Howard asked Carmen if it would be weird if they dimmed the lights and pleasured themselves to her. She said that wouldn't be weird at all. Howard asked her what the weirdest thing she's ever been a part of was. He figured it was when she was with Prince. Carmen told Howard how she met Prince but he interrupted and asked her if she wanted to drink with him this morning. She didn't sound into drinking so early in the morning though.
Howard said he's always thought that Carmen's marriage wouldn't last with Dave Navarro. He said he loves Dave but he thinks he's a little homo. He thinks he switch hits a little bit and no guy who does that should be with Carmen Electra. He said that she's way hot and way sweet and deserves better. Carmen told Howard that Dave has never had sex with a man, he's done some stuff for shock value, and maybe drugs, but he's not gay.
Howard talked about the time he and Carmen were hanging out in Malibu and showered together. Carmen was telling Howard that she's performing with a new group called The Bombshells and they have an act where she has a ring she hangs from during the show and now it's rumored that she has something like that in her bedroom, but she doesn't.
Carmen talked about her days with The Pussycat Dolls but Howard cut her off and asked her to lose the bra and take her top off. He also asked to see her panties so she showed him what was going on there. Carmen didn't have any cellulite on her according to Howard. He had her show him her panties again and noticed that she was wearing two sets of something. He was begging to see something. She was a little hesitant but she was turning and showing him her ass a little bit. She asked to see his ass as well. Howard didn't hop up and pull his pants down though.
Howard had Carmen get back to the Pussycat Dolls story. She said that the record deal she had wasn't enough and she had to get out of the deal. She said there wasn't a lot of money there and she had to get out of that so she could make the kind of money she's used to making.
Howard read that Carmen was out somewhere with Victoria Silvstedt making out with her. Carmen said that's all she's done with other women and denied that she's ever had sex with another woman. She said the whole vagina thing freaks her out and she's not sure she could ever do another woman. Carmen said that she was doing a show in France and this guy was trying to get them to make out. She said she told him to make out with a guy and then they'd make out. Little did they know that the guy was actually going to kiss another man. She and Victoria did kiss but didn't really tongue or anything.
Howard told Carmen that he thinks she should be single and not with Dave Navarro anymore. He asked her if she would do a movie with Pam Anderson. Carmen said that she loves Pam so of course she would. Howard came up with a movie idea where he just bangs the two of them. He didn't have any other plot line for the movie but he said that he would work on that.
Howard told Carmen that her jugs look perfect and then asked her about the new movie she's in. She said she's in ''Scary Movie 4'' and has a cameo role in it. She said that Dr. Phil, Shaq and other celebrities make cameos in the movie as well.
Howard asked Carmen when she last banged Dave Navarro. She said it was a couple of weeks ago, just before he went to France. Howard found out that she has friends over once in a while and sleeps in the same bed with them. She doesn't sleep nude though. Howard also found out that Carmen shaves but keeps a ''landing strip'' down there. Howard told her that he would shave her down if she was his girlfriend. She thought that sounded pretty sexy.
Howard told Carmen that JD had given him a high five this morning because of the time he got to shower with her. Howard said he could add that to his movie that he was coming up with. Howard got back to the Dave Navarro thing and asked her if she has phone sex with him. She said that they do but Howard doesn't believe that. He asked her if Dave fantasizes that she's a dude.
Carmen is in the city for about a week so Howard asked her if she goes out and parties. She said that she didn't go out last night because she knew she was coming on the show. She said she took a bath when she got to the hotel. He told her that she should have come over to his place to stay over instead. Carmen said that she shaved her legs last night but not her area. She prefers to get waxed down there. She said she goes to a place called Smile or to Pink Cheeks to get waxed. She said that there was one woman who ended up rubbing her butt a little too much when she was lotioning her up after waxing her. She said that she was rubbing her ass and she figured she'd just let her keep going since that was her job.
Howard asked Carmen about the waxing thing a little more. She was saying that she takes off her panties and then lets the woman wax her. Howard wanted to hear every detail about it and asked if she would mind if he beat off while she talked about it. Robin said that he can't do that because he's told everyone else that they can't beat off at work.
Howard asked Carmen about her glowing teeth and wondered if they're new or something. Carmen said that they're the same. Artie said that there's a Playboy DVD out that has him doing his photo shoot for them but it also has Carmen doing a photo shoot with Jennifer Walcott and it's the hottest thing. Artie said that Jennifer is in Carmen's league.
Howard asked Carmen if she likes anal sex. She said she doesn't like it because it hurts too much. Howard asked her if she's tossed his salad. She said she hasn't because Dave isn't into it. Howard said that he probably wouldn't want her doing that to him either because she would never want to be with him again. He wondered if Dave has tossed he salad. She said that he's probably been down there but it sounded like he hadn't been there. Howard was surprised at that and said that he would be down there as soon as he was with her.
Howard asked Carmen what she slept in last night. She said she sleeps topless and hates to have a shirt on because she tosses and turns a lot. She wears either sweat pants or panties like she had on today. She said that she was wearing sweats last night though. Howard asked her what she's doing tonight and invited her to go out with him. Artie said that they should go out, get some Ecstasy and fuck.
Howard told Carmen that he would stick his tongue in her ass even though he's never done it to anyone else. Artie said that he'd set up camp up there if it was him. Howard asked her if she travels with a vibrator. She said that she usually doesn't because she has a friend whose vibrator went off while going through security at an airport one time. She's too embarrassed to carry one with her.
Howard was telling Carmen what he wanted to do to her but he was reciting Pat O'Brien's lines instead of using his own. He then found out that Carmen had used a vibrator on herself the night before she left for New York. She even said that she has masturbated and thought about Howard before. Howard asked her what the scenario was there. Carmen said it doesn't take much because she cums very fast. Howard couldn't believe what she was saying and asked her a few times if it was true that she actually thought about him while masturbating. She swore that was true.
Howard asked her about the other night when she pleasured herself. Carmen said that she had a drawer full of sex toys and they managed to get moved when the room was remodeled. She has a vibrator called the Jackrabbit and the Pocket Rocket. She said she really likes the Pocket Rocket. Howard mentioned the Sybian and asked her if she's ever tried that out. Carmen said she's heard of it but had never seen one. The guys brought it into the studio and Howard had the guys pull out some of the attachments. They had a brand new attachment for her to try out if she wanted to.
Gary showed Carmen how the Sybian vibrates and how he can control it. Howard told Carmen to go try it out but she was kind of hesitating. She said she'd look at it closer. Howard told her that she looked so fucking good this morning that he wanted to jump on top of her.
Carmen went over and Howard told her to just sit on the thing. Howard told her that Jenna Jameson sat on that thing and so did Cameron Diaz (not really). They were trying to convince her that legitimate actresses had used it. Carmen got on the thing and said that she would only do it for Howard. Carmen got up and down on the thing a few times. Gary tried to get her on the right part of the thing but she was having a hard time finding a comfortable position. Gary showed her exactly where to sit ''on the prickly thing.''
Carmen said she knew she was going to end up on that thing. She was liking what she was feeling at about 20 percent. Howard had Gary move it up to 30, then 40 percent and she was surprised that it went higher than it was already at. Carmen had Gary jack it up even higher and higher. She said she might have to get one for her house. Gary jacked it up to about 80 percent. Carmen was giggling and not really getting off on the thing. She said it was the best thing she's ever felt in her life. Howard had Gary jack it up to 100 percent but she hopped off. Gary turned it down and had her get back on.
Howard told Carmen to get back on the Sybian and try to get off. She was still giggling and not getting off though. She did say that it was awesome and she loved the feel. Howard told her to think about being with a straight guy instead of a guy who might be bi. Gary jacked the Sybian up to 100 percent. Howard then told her that he was just told he doesn't have much longer to live so he wants to see her have an orgasm right there. She said that she could have had one but not right there in the studio.
Carmen said that the ride was awesome. She was still vibrating when she went back to the couch. She said she knows she could have gotten to where she wanted to go. Will whispered to Gary that it was the answer to his prayers being in the studio for that. Howard told Carmen he wanted to hear her moan therein the studio. She said that's too personal for her and she wants to keep that in the bedroom.
Howard took a call and gave Carmen a plug for ''Scary Movie 4'' which opens on April 14th. Howard kept telling Carmen that Cameron Diaz had used that machine and even wanted to play tape for her. The caller Howard had on the line told Carmen that she's very hot, even hotter than Pam. Howard said that Pam has agreed to come in and get off on that Sybian. Carmen said she'll come in after that and get off after Pam does.
Howard took some more phone calls and a couple of guys thought that Sybian ride was pretty lame. One guy said that Carmen and Dave should come out for the Howard Stern Film Festival. Howard said that they will put them on the list. He also gave that guy a pair of tickets to go to the festival as well.
Howard played some tape for Carmen of what was supposed to be Cameron Diaz riding the Sybian. Carmen just laughed knowing that it wasn't really her. Another phone caller asked Howard and Carmen if they did anything when they were together out in Malibu. Howard says that he didn't get any oral or anything like that. Carmen said that Howard could have had a shot back then. Howard seemed a little surprised by that comment. Howard ended up giving that caller a $1000 prize courtesy of ''Scary Movie 4.''
Benjy asked Carmen to describe the shower she had with Howard... without Howard talking about it. Carmen said that she was at a cookout and Howard had told her about this great steam shower that they had at the house. He said that she had to see it so they went down and she kept her bathing suit on. It was a two piece, pink, bikini. She said they were just kind of standing there and showering together in this steam shower and that was it. They were talking about she couldn't remember what subjects they discussed. Benjy asked if they were touching or anything. Carmen said that it was very innocent and they got out of the shower a short time later.
Howard said that he didn't want to be a creepy guy so he didn't do anything with her. He said it was cold out there in Malibu at the time and he wanted to warm up in that shower. He said he was really digging hanging out with her and it was a dumb story. He didn't put any moves on her because he didn't think it was right. He didn't want to blow the whole thing.
Benjy asked Carmen to look over at him and not look at anyone else. He then asked her if she had ever kissed Howard. She wouldn't say anything without looking at Howard. She asked if they had ever kissed. Benjy said that he knows that she has kissed him and he knows from looking at her eyes that she has kissed him. He claims he can read people by looking into their eyes.
Ralph called in and said that what he loves about Carmen is that she's kind of dopey. He read an article and she said that she was kind of surprised when she moved into her new house because they had looked at couple of houses on the same street. She said she had confused the pools between the two houses.
Howard asked Carmen to tell them her hottest sex story. Robin started it off for her and said ''I met this guy out in Malibu... and I showered with him...'' Carmen said that she once had sex in a movie theater but that was with her first boyfriend. Howard asked her if a guy has ever done her at a strip club. She said that hasn't happened. Howard told her what he would like to do if they did something like that. He said he'd put his hand up her ass. She sounded kind of grossed out by that so Howard said he'd put his whole fist in there.
Howard was going to wrap up the interview but Carmen started to tell him about getting waxed and how erotic it can be when this one woman takes her leg and wraps it around her neck. Jessica Hahn called in and said it was great that she had gotten on the Sybian for the guys. She was also talking about how beautiful Carmen is. Howard ended the interview a short time later and gave Carmen another plug for ''Scary Movie 4.'' He told her that he's going to beat off to her tonight as a gift to her. He was a little woozy after the interview and didn't even know that it was Friday the 7th and not Friday the 14th.
Howard asked Carmen if she would sleep with him. She said it would have been hard not to back then because of their ''mad chemistry.'' Howard was in the middle of a commercial but he was so thrown off that he had no idea what it was for. Fred filled him in and they finished up the commercial.
When Howard heard that the contract is worth a million, he wondered what Carmen was thinking when she rode that Sybian. Howard said that she didn't do anything wrong though and she didn't take off her panties or anything like that. Howard asked Greg if he's ever tried to do anything with Carmen. The guy said that he thinks of her as a sister and would not do anything with her.
Greg said that he's the one who took the stick in his ass the day they played Anal Ring Toss. It was Dave Navarro and Artie playing toss while this guy had the stick in his ass. He said that his family didn't talk to him for weeks after that went down.
Howard wanted to talk to Carmen about this Max Factor thing. She came in a short time later and Howard told her she didn't do anything wrong. Carmen said that she didn't think she did anything wrong either. She just sat on a chair that vibrates. He told Carmen not to ever be ashamed of anything she does on the show. He said that if Max Factor has a problem then they'll have to deal with him and his fans. He said that Greg knows nothing about the business and he should apologize for even bringing it up.
Carmen said that she really feels she did nothing wrong and Greg is just very over protective. Artie said that he probably wants to have sex with her while she's still rich, that's why he's so protective. Howard let Carmen go a short time later. Howard and Carmen were expressing their love for each other and Artie said she may lose her contract over saying she loves Howard Stern before she loses it for riding the Sybian.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it was amazing that he got an A-list celebrity to ride that thing. Howard ended up giving that guy a $1,000 prize courtesy of ''Scary Movie 4.''
Howard and Artie were trying to help Jeff out by saying that he should shave his head. Then Artie pointed out that Jeff had put the headset microphone in his mouth when he was putting it on. He thought that was pretty gross.
Jeff told Howard that he's sold about 700 of his albums so far... To record stores. They took them on consignment so that doesn't mean that they've sold that many. Jeff wants some help selling the albums, that's why he's on the show today. Artie asked him if he got any money up front. Jeff said he didn't and there was no reason for him not to take the deal.
Robin said she was looking at Jeff's gimp hand and said that the shrink, Dr. Ellen McGrath, was right when she suggested that he just get it removed. Jeff isn't going to do that though. Robin said that one of his fingers looks like it's going to fall off. Howard said that the arm hasn't moved since 1986 so it's just a dead arm hanging there. Jeff doesn't want to have it removed. He thinks that they might be able to fix it some day and he doesn't want to lose it before then.
Jeff gave a shout out to this woman Sue and Donna for no apparent reason. Howard asked him where his arm stops working. The arm is dead from the shoulder down. He was wearing one of Bubba the Love Sponge's T-shirts so the guys ended up talking about Bubba for a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when Carmen's Sybian Ride will be on Howard TV On Demand. Howard thinks it'll be up tomorrow. Gary said that they're editing it already. Howard said that they're going to rush that show on as soon as possible. The guy asked for him to get that on before the Blue Iris thing. Howard said that the pictures of Blue Iris on his web site are really funny. She looks like a dude in a blue wig. Artie did an impression of Blue Iris talking to Jeff the Drunk and both of the voices sounded exactly the same.
Howard had a new prank call where they had Blue Iris calling a radiator shop. She told the guy to hurry up because she had a hot shit in the chamber. Then he told him that her boyfriend was f'ing her doggy style on the front of the car and the radiator cap blew her teeth out so she needed them to help get her teeth back.
Howard asked Jeff if he wanted to sing one of the songs off of his album ''Jeff the Drunk: Takes Manhattan.'' Jeff said that's what he was there for and sang ''Margaritaville'' for everyone. You can get the album at JeffTheDrunkOnline.com or at FYE stores in New York.
The guys were laughing their asses off during the song because Sal had come in and stuck a dildo in Jeff's face. When Jeff grabbed it, he let go and almost fell down. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Jeff has a nice voice and there was something charming about him singing. Another caller said that they should just whack off his arm and sell pieces of it that are stuck in lucite. Jeff went off on him and gave him a few F-yous. Howard said that Jeff really should get rid of his arm because it's looking worse and worse these days. It's shriveling up and looking like crap.
Gary came in and asked what other songs Jeff performs. One of them is ''Born to be Wild'' so Gary wondered how they got clearance to do that. Jeff said they managed to do it, he doesn't know how. He said that this guy Joe got the music for him to sing with. Howard had Jeff singing ''Born to be Wild'' but then Sal came in and threw a whole garbage can on Jeff's head.
Howard asked Jeff what his mother is doing today since he's not home. Jeff said she's probably sleeping. Howard said that's probably the first nice sleep she's gotten in a long time. Jeff said he takes very good care of his mother and he can't believe that they make fun of him about that. He said that he has to feed her and she probably won't eat until he gets home today. He got all pissed off at Howard for even bringing that up. Howard let Jeff sing a little more of his song before bringing in George Flowers and Jon Hein.
Jon Hein was also in to give a Wrap Up Show update. Jon said they'll be talking about Carmen's Sybian ride. Howard said that he had to thank Gary for telling her that Cameron Diaz had ridden it. That seemed to help things out. Jon said that they'll also be talking about Carmen's people freaking out about her riding the thing. Jeff the Drunk will also be a subject during the show and of course, the Sal e-mail story.
Howard got back to Jeff and took a call for him. One guy asked him to give an update on his ass blister. Jeff still claims that he didn't shit his pants back then, it was just a blister on his ass that had popped. Howard said that the truth was in the tape they had of that. He saw something back there and it wasn't blood. Jeff told Howard not to lie about that.
The guys found out that Jeff was a right handed guy until he lost the use of the arm. Jeff said that he had to learn to write with his left hand and of course he has to use that arm to wipe with as well. The In Demand guys wanted to tape him demonstrating the wiping but Jeff didn't seem interested in doing that.
A phone caller told Howard he thought that after Blue Iris rode the Sybian that it had jumped the shark. Now that Carmen has ridden it, he realizes he was wrong. That led to Howard talking about how well he gets along with her and how he was holding her hand during the commercial break after her interview. He said that she's famous for being good looking and he can't imagine that.
Howard asked Jeff if he ever fantasizes that he was so good looking that he'd be the center of attention. Jeff said he never thinks like that. The guys asked Jeff how he buys food and stuff. Jeff said he gets food stamps worth about $130 that he uses for buying cheese and stuff. He's not allowed to buy toilet paper with them though. Fred said that's why he doesn't wipe his ass. Howard asked Artie to give Jeff some of his Devil Dog wrappers to use for wiping.
Howard said he doesn't think he spent more than $20 a month on food when he was in college. Jeff also gets SSI payments of $600 a month. Howard said he thinks he could live off of that kind of money if he had to. Artie asked him what he spends on cigarettes per month. He said it's over $145 a month. He also spends over $200 on weed as well. Then he uses the rest of the money for beer, gas and food. Howard let him go a short time later and as he was leaving he gave Artie an ''F-you Artie!'' He was mad at him for bringing up his mother.
Howard wondered if Carmen Electra is an A-list celebrity. Robin believes that she is because everything she does is reported and anywhere she goes, she's photographed.
Jeff the Drunk came back in and said that he's never coming back there again. He was covered in tape because everyone had jumped on him and taped him up. Howard told the guys to leave him alone because that just wasn't right. Jeff claimed that he was bleeding but he didn't know where it was. He told Ronnie to keep Sal away from Jeff and if he goes near him, he's to take him down.
Howard said it was a madhouse in there today. He thought that he had gotten Jeff out of there before he asked for something but he asked for some money. They had a $500 prize to give away courtesy of TomatoVine.com. Gary said he missed the whole thing with Jeff getting taped up. He said that Sal asks to do all kinds of weird things when Jeff comes in. He was also saying that Jeff was more sweaty today than he usually is. Howard had to get to Mike Walker after that.
Mike told Howard that he has a new site for his Podcasts. Howard wondered if there's money in that. Mike said that there can be some money there. He doesn't charge for them but he can make money if you have enough people downloading. They have it through iTunes and on TheGossipGame.com.
Howard had Mike start his game after that so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard was saying that they have a new feature up on the web site that shows what's airing on Howard 100 and 101 at that moment. That's also where people will be able to listen to the show eventually when they start streaming it. Doug said they'll have a bunch of other features in the player there as well. Doug was saying that they know of another web site out there that has the PDT (SIRIUS scroll) running on their web site. They're looking into doing that with Howard's web site as well.
Howard read an article about how SIRIUS could overtake XM with their new products. Management is looking to deliver more features and services to their customers and it's a good sign for the company. They claim that SIRIUS is planning on bringing out a portable unit as early as this summer. Howard was surprised by that news. He was also reading that they're going to be offering music downloads for their portable units. The market analysts are saying that SIRIUS is listed as ''out perform'' because of that.
Howard asked Doug why they can't just get up a few seconds of Carmen up on the site like people have with their animated avatars. Doug said it would be tough to do that with a picture that large. Howard couldn't take his eyes off the Carmen picture that was on his web site. He said that every man should have that in his house. He was talking about how perfect her hair, boobs and everything else were. He had Robin start her news a short time after that.
Artie went nuts and told Howard that he should have banged Carmen Electra when he had the chance. He said he should have done it for him and he should have banged all of these chicks. He could have had Carmen, Heather and Pam Anderson as well. Howard said that he's a gentleman but Robin told him that he's a fag if he didn't go for it with those women.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has a hot wife and he'd like to get into the Film Festival. Howard told him he could come in if he gets his wife to get topless up there in the studio. Howard said that from now on he's going to make guys get their women topless to win tickets to the Film Festival.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am. He mentioned that they're going to be off for a week next week. They're going to replay a bunch of shows and stuff replaying during the week. Artie said that he'll be listening to the reruns and stuff.