Howard started off the show complaining about someone having touched his computer. He said there will be hell to pay for that. He then went on to talk about the film festival that was held last Thursday night. He was watching Howard TV and talked about how great the winning film was. He said the guy who shot it only spent about $250 to make the film and it was great. He shot it in high-something that Howard couldn't remember.
Artie said he was blown away by the film because it was so sweet. Howard said that the one regret he had was his own movie that was really not all that creative, it was more of a goof. He said that next year he'll make something with a whole story since he didn't take it so seriously this year. He said that maybe they should have just had the 9 finalists and called it a night.
Robin thought that the compilation that they ran in the middle of it all was a little long but Gary said it only ran about 4 and a half minutes. The guys all thought that Richard Roeper was very good and funny during the comments section.
Gary said that he loves Sal because he thinks that it's all about him. He was bragging that he had screened the movies and three of the 9 finalists were 3 that he had picked out.
Howard quickly moved on and took a phone call. The caller said that he saw the shocking the balls episode on Howard TV over the weekend. That led to Howard talking about how he ended up at Scores with the Asian chick who got her puss shocked. Artie said he had to go to a bar across the street to get a drink because they wouldn't let him in the after party at first because it was so crowded.
Howard said he was brought into a dressing room where he met with some reporters after the show. After all of that his agent came down and told him he had to meet with some other people. Howard said that the party was packed in like sardines. He met with a bunch of reporters after that who told him that they should show the winning film on regular cable to remind people about Howard TV being there.
Howard said that Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild was hanging around him all night and was in just about every picture he took. He did have a really hot girl with him though. Howard wanted to bring her to the broadcast they were doing from the party but he wasn't able to find her. He wasn't even able to find Artie because the party was so packed.
Artie said that he went back out and mingled for a short time but it was so packed he couldn't find anyone. Robin said she got on the Superfan Roundtable and then sat in on the Wrap Up Show for a while. She said that Richard Christy was loaded by that time. Howard said he did the Wrap Up Show for about an hour himself. Artie said that Richard was so wasted that he just kept talking about how he had to take a piss but he loves everyone he was with.
Howard said he missed out on getting loaded because he was so busy. He said that he had some trouble getting a vodka with grapefruit juice and his glass smelled funny so he was all bummed out. Richard Christy was saying that the vodka that he was drinking tasted like dog poop to him. Howard said it didn't taste right to him either.
Howard said he went to Scores and Bubba pulled his girl's top off so he got to see her tits. He said that they were perfect too.
Brian Phelan came in and said that Richard was acting very gay that night when he was drunk. A caller asked if he could get in on the next roast which is supposed to be Artie. Howard didn't even know they were planning it yet but he put the guy on hold so they could book him.
Howard said that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach was at the after party. Bubba then invited him to go to Scores so that's where they all went. The Asian chick who had her puss shocked was there dancing for them and she doesn't even work there.
Rita Cosby interviewed him and her voice was shot. He goofed on her a little bit but they cut out all of that funny stuff. In her clip she played Howard talking about how important the film festival was to him. JD came in a short time later and said that they're saying that they're going to air the full version of that interview tonight on MSNBC. Howard was asked if he would see the movie ''United 93'' after being asked about his film festival. Howard said he can't see that movie because it was such a bad time for him.
Rita asked Howard about what he thinks about Brad and Angelina's baby. He said he must have been asked about that about 9 million times. He also commented on Tom Cruise and what a strange guy he is. Rita gave Howard Stern On Demand a plug and Howard is pretty sure no one knows what she's talking about when she gives him the plug.
Howard said he told Rita that he watches her on FOX News all the time and he's a big fan of hers. She let him know that she's been at MSNBC for 8 months now. He had no idea that she had moved. That happens to him as well because people still come up to him and say that they think he's off of E! now. He hasn't been on E! since December.
Howard played an audio clip from a news report about the 100 Most Influential people and he's on the list. Robin said that David Spade was interviewed about Howard being on the list. Rachel Ray was also on the list so Howard brought up the story that Artie told one time about her. Artie thought that he and Dana had been invited to be on her show but it turns out that they were just invited over to get a tour of her studio. Dana had gone out and gotten a $500 hair cut and got all dressed up for it. Artie said it was kind of awkward so he and Dana got out of there pretty quick.
Artie said that it's at the point where he's just about daring her to leave him. Howard thinks he's going to get that call one day and Dana is going to tell him that her new boyfriend can actually see his own feet. Howard said there were a lot of movies sent in about Artie in his pig costume for the film festival.
Howard said that the kids who played them in the winning film were great. Fred said that he had to go and watch that movie again on Howard TV On Demand because it was so good. The guys talked about some of the other movies that they felt were really good. There was one where the guy had Howard fucking Mancow's father's skull that Howard really liked.
Howard also liked the documentary where this guy scammed JD and made him think that he was a chick and eventually broke the news to JD on a web cam. The woman on the phone told Howard that she didn't expect to meet Howard but she did get to meet the Wack Packers who were hanging around. She said that High Pitch Eric wouldn't come over and say hello to the fans when they called him. She said he would look over at them but not come over. Howard said he thinks that he has an idea for a new movie where he goes behind the scenes of Eric's life.
The caller told Howard that Joey Boots was very nice and came over to talk to all of them when they called him. Gary came in and said that he had a creepy moment at the festival when Sal jumped up and started to do a standing ovation but he was the only one who did. Sal thought that Howard was talking to him directly at one point but he was actually looking at Yucko the Clown who was sitting right behind him. Howard said that Yucko was the only one he noticed because he was in that clown outfit of his.
Gary told Howard that Bob Levy, Sal and Richard also did some things on stage and Levy ended up doing his ass eating thing with a Devil Dog. Howard wondered how Sal and Richard got up there because he didn't see anything on the schedule about that. Gary told Howard about how they ended up doing the Devil Dog thing with one of the girls who was back stage. Artie said he's told Levy not to do that at shows because it's very hard to follow an act like that.
Gary said he knows that if Howard knew about it, he wouldn't have liked it. Howard had no idea it was going on and he said he would have gotten upset if he did know about it. He said he wanted to have Sour Shoes playing for the crowd or something like that, not Bob Levy eating ass. Artie said that people were kind of weirded out by that whole thing. Red Peters had to follow that act and Artie said it was weird.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Bill who got Howard talking about Beth and whether or not she's going to do Dancing with the Stars. Howard said that it seems like Beth doesn't want to do it but she really is undecided about the whole thing. She's supposed to have a conversation with her agent and some other people who are going to convince her that she can do the show by only being out in California for 2 days a week. Bill said that there are betting web sites out taking bets on whether or not she'll be doing it. Howard said that people should probably lean toward the ''no'' bet from what he's seen.
Howard said that he and Beth were out on Long Island over the weekend and they had a great time out there. He said that they were out on chaise lounges just hanging out and resting. Artie said that he was watching an episode of ''American Chopper'' where they built a bike for Billy Joel and Joel's house looked really nice. He said it's a beautiful estate. Howard has been there so he told Artie that it really is nice and it's not that far out on Long Island.
The Long Island house discussions led to them talking about Seinfeld's $32 million home out on Long Island and how prices have shot up out there because of that sale alone. Bong Hit Bill asked Howard about last week's ''Survivor'' which they really liked. Howard said that the guy, Terry, who is winning everything is a real man to him. He was also saying that he stayed up and watched ''The Sopranos'' last night. Robin said that she wasn't even able to stay up to watch that.
Bong Hit Bill asked to be on the list for the Artie roast but Gary told them that they don't even have a date for that roast yet. Howard said that he knew this was going to happen. He said ''no more'' after putting Bill on hold for the roast.
Howard said that JJ Abrams was going to be stopping by the show today. He said that guy put his daughters in an episode of Felicity one time when they all went to visit the set of the show one time. JJ is also the guy who created ''Lost'' and directed the latest ''Mission Impossible'' movie. Howard had to go to break a short time after that.
Richard called back during another segment as the same person and asks another guest if she ever shit blood when she went over to India. The host hung up on him again.
Howard played the first call Richard made to the show where he told the hosts that he was sitting home jerking off to them. Howard said you have to see these women because no guy is sitting home and jerking off to them.
Howard interrupted and asked Artie what happened to his tux on Thursday. Artie said he went to try the tux on and it didn't fit when he got it home. He said that he told them he needed a 42 and it didn't fit when he got it home so he just wore his sport jacket and corduroy pants. Howard told him he was really good at the festival though and the clothes didn't seem to matter.
Artie told Howard he did a great job with his ''Wah's'' at the festival. Howard told him that Fred wrote those for him. Artie said he used some jokes that Sal and Richard wrote for him. He said that he actually stole a joke from a Jerry Stiller Roast to use on Sam Simon when he was goofing on him. He didn't know who he stole the joke from though.
Gary said that Cabbie is also pissed at Dominic Barbara who he thinks left him out to dry. Cabbie is also asking for people to mail him because he doesn't feel he's getting enough right now. Gary said that they'll have an address up on their web site today for those people who do want to mail him.
Howard said he would tell Cabbie that things aren't that great outside of jail. Robin said that he should tell Cabbie that he definitely doesn't want to go back to K-Rock. Howard said he did send him a note that was about 7 lines long but he didn't want to say anything that might offend him because he's so easily offended.
Gary said that Cabbie is asking for some books to read and the only way he can get them is for the publisher to send them to him. He's looking for some classics from Walt Whitman and others like that. Howard said he zones out when he reads stuff like that. His kids are into poetry and stuff but not him. Gary asked the guys if anyone in the studio reads poetry. Artie said he's tried to do that but he can't get through it.
Gary said that Cabbie told him he needs a lawyer to come and visit him up there at the mental facility because that's the only way he can get to speak to one. Cabbie is also saying that ''Cabbie is dead'' and his name is Lee. Howard said he got a note about that and Cabbie was telling him that both Cabbie and Lee had died in jail and he's got a new name now. He's not sure what that is though.
Artie pointed out that Dan had written the ''Robin's Bunghole'' song parody which everyone liked a lot. Howard had Fred play that one which was a parody of the Guns N Roses song ''Welcome to the Jungle.''
Howard said he got the fight wrong. Joey was on the phone and said that it was Double A who tried to start a fight with him at the festival. He said that Double A had elbowed him in the stomach and tried to start things. He said that Double A was wearing his wrestling belt at the festival like it gives him some kind of power. Howard said that Doug Goodstein was telling him how he hates Double A and he'd like to ban him from the show. He somehow snuck his girlfriend into the After Party even though she wasn't invited.
Howard said that those guys from In Demand did a great job there. He got a note from Doug who said that Double A was hounding them for another ticket and they kept turning him down. He ended up disrespecting them by sneaking someone in and then walking out with four gift bags. Doug said he actually turned his brother down from coming so he could invite other people. He said that Double A isn't cool and wants him banned from the show.
Doug came in and said that Double A made him sick by calling in and bothering him so much. Doug also heard that High Pitch Eric had walked out of a bar without paying his bill. Doug said he had to thank everyone who worked on that festival from the marketing girls to their editor. He also said that they should have the Film Festival up on Howard TV On Demand by Friday if things go the way they plan.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said that things get blown out of proportion and he wasn't stealing Sal's champagne. He was jokingly handing it to Benjy. There was also a discussion about Dan having filled his bag with chicken wings from a comedy club one time. Dan said that wasn't true either. He never did anything like that. Howard heard that Dan doesn't have his own place so he mooches off of friends. Dan said that's not exactly true. He said he's been taking over the payments from this guy Beecher from Beecher's Mad House in Las Vegas for an apartment.
Gary heard that Dan just roams from apartment to apartment but Dan said he's been living at this place for about 2 years now and Beecher has only been there for about 4 total days since he took over payments. He got in a plug for his friend who sang the vocals on the song parody that Howard had played earlier. The guy's name is Rob Feffer and you can find out more about his band at FeffBand.com.
There were some other arguments about the other entries in the festival. Howard thought that Robin and Fred's movie wasn't all that great. Howard was saying that Bubba the Love Sponge and his crew were the best dressed at the event. The guys were going back and forth on all of the movies and Fred said he wants his bottle of champagne back because Robin moved too fast when she gave it to Sal.
Lisa said that they're going to be talking to each of the 3 kids who were in the winning film ''Radio Play.'' Artie said they should have them in the studio to talk to them as well. Lisa said they're going to be talking to Denny Terrio who is on SIRIUS with his own show. He used to make appearances on The Howard Stern Show so he'll be talking about those days.
Howard asked Scott what he won for getting first place. Scott went through some of the stuff and said that the prizes were great but the experience was really great as well. Howard asked him how long it took for him to come up with the concept. Scott said he was coming up with a lot of ideas but they involved having Howard or Artie actually appearing in the movie. He eventually came up with the idea to have kids playing Howard, Robin and Fred as if they had met back in the 1960s via Ham Radio.
Scott said he had to cut the movie down from 8 minutes to 5 minutes for the festival. Artie asked Scott if he ever thought about bringing in another reference like having a Jackie character or Baba Booey come in at the last minute. Scott said he thought about it but he had to keep it tight.
Scott said that the mother of the child who played Howard is a huge fan of the show and the kid's birthday is even the same as Howard's. Howard told Scott that he hopes this brings him some opportunities in the film industry. He said that Beth really loved the movie when he showed it to her over the weekend.
Robin said that Richard Roeper turned to her after seeing the movie and said ''That's the winner.'' It was that good. Scott said he really appreciates the win and the other films that were in the top 3 deserved it. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they're going to do a documentary for the guy and interview the kids and hopefully get some raw footage.
Scott said that he shot the movie with a DV camera that had HD abilities but they didn't use the HD part of it. He said that he had a director of photography that helped him out with the look and feel of the movie. Howard said that Todd Phillips and Richard Roeper both said they hope that this guy gets some exposure because he was so good. Scott thanked Howard for everything because he thinks that it was a life changing event.
Howard wrapped up with Scott a short time later and then took a call from a guy, Coach Mike, who claimed that he invented a ''vaginal thermometer'' and he'd like to get Scott to direct a commercial for it. He said that he coaches 9 and 10 year olds and they were asking him how hot a pussy gets so he invented this vaginal thermometer.
Howard asked him what the temperature gets to but the coach wouldn't say. He said that nobody knows the answer and he's keeping it a secret for now. Howard figures that the temperature would be the same temperature as the rest of the body.
Howard asked the coach what this thermometer looks like. Coach said that he made it in the shape of a cock. Howard wondered if this guy is still working as a coach. The guy said that he's working as an iron worker rigger and as a stand-up comic. Howard was going to hang up on him but Coach Mike wondered how he could call in next time. Howard told him to call in the same way he called in today. Coach told him it was too hard to get through that way. Howard let him go anyway and went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard asked how the new Pearl Jam album is. Robin said they're getting great reviews... Howard said they're one of those bands who had five huge albums but you don't know the name of one of them. He said he really likes their song ''Glorified G'' so Fred played that for him.
Robin mentioned that she tried to listen to Cream's song ''Toad'' and it was horrible to her. Howard had Fred play that song for them as well. He said it's not one of their better songs but he didn't think it was that bad. He said they do tend to jam a little too much but they're a great band. Robin said that it was the best thing when that band broke up.
Howard had the Top 5 songs to play so he quickly went through that. It included songs from artists like Natasha Bettingfield, LL Cool J and Jennifer Lopez, Shaun Paul and Daniel Powder. Howard also threw in some song parodies and Jeff the Drunk's cover of Margaritaville.
Howard said he was reading a story about ''American Idol'' in the NY Times where they talked about how just about every network turned down the show before FOX picked it up. UPN turned it down and if they had picked it up, they'd still be around today. It could have made the network.
Howard said that JJ put his kids in an episode of ''Felicity'' and that made him the cool father. JJ said that he's 39 years old now and was about 32 when he was doing ''Felicty.'' He said that was his first big job in the business.
JJ told Howard how he used to mess around making little movies back when he was a kid. Howard pointed out that JJ also created ''Alias'' and co-created ''Lost'' and also directed the latest ''Mission Impossible'' movie. He wrote the movie ''Regarding Henry'' which Robin didn't like. Howard said he liked it though.
Howard asked JJ if he knew that he was going to be a filmmaker when he was growing up. JJ said he felt that's what he was going to do so he was always writing stuff when he was in college. He tried to have fun when he was in school, which wasn't a film school, but he was always writing stuff. He said that his father told him to go to school and learn what to make movies about instead of learning about how to make movies.
JJ said that his father was in the business so he was exposed to the industry from an early age. He told a story about how he had never been able to meet Michael Eisner even after he had done a lot of work for ABC/Disney. He said that Eisner called him one night and said that his father had spoken to him and heard that he hadn't heard from him so he should call him. JJ thought it was going to be some big moment but it turns out his father had called Eisner and told him to call. Howard said that Eisner called him and asked him to do his cable TV show but he turned it down.
Howard asked JJ how he got the big break and ended up with the ''Felicity'' gig. JJ said he wrote a bunch of screenplays when he was in college and they were pretty bad. Howard interrupted him and asked him about ''Lost'' and if they actually have an ending in mind for the show. JJ said that he had gotten a call from Lloyd Braun who had this idea for a plane crash show and asked him to come up with a bigger concept for the show. He had to do it within a week. JJ said he was hooked up with Damon Lindelof and hit it off with him. They came up with the outline for the show and they got the green light for the pilot at the end of that week. They had 11 weeks to write it, cast it, and film it. JJ decided to direct it himself. Then they started to cast it and wrote it around some of the people they hired for the show.
Howard asked JJ to back up and talk about whether or not they have something in mind for the ending of the story. JJ said he's getting to that and told Howard how they came up with a bible for the show where they have stuff where they will talk about where they want to go with the show. JJ said that they do have in mind what the Hatch is and what the numbers in the computer mean. They do have to change things along the way though. JJ said they may want the show to go on for 50 seasons so they have to make it work for a long time if they have to.
JJ said that they have to have a lot of things going on with the plot so they can have a few explanations for the stuff that happens. Howard wondered if JJ has told his wife what the end of the show would be like. JJ said he doesn't think she cares. Howard asked if Lloyd Braun knows the end of the show. JJ said that Lloyd is gone from ABC now. They had him doing the intros for the show back when they started it because it was his idea and he got fired before the show went to air.
Howard asked JJ if he would tell a dying kid what the end of the show would be. JJ said in that case they might tell him. He probably wouldn't want to do that because they will adjust the show as it goes along. JJ said that there are probably about 4 people who know the game plan for the show and what the ending really should be. They keep the writing staff pretty small so they can keep that stuff a secret.
Howard changed subjects and asked JJ about his life. He said that it appears that JJ has a crush on Keri Russel because he cast her in ''Felicity'' and even put her in this new ''Mission Impossible'' movie. He asked her if he would like to make love to her. JJ said that this was unbelievable and he's married. Howard asked him if he ever beat off to her image. JJ repeated the unbelievable line and asked Howard if he's ever beat off to Robin. Gary said that he has. Howard also said that he beat off thinking about many women in his movie.
JJ said that when you work with someone it's a totally different thing and he just doesn't do that stuff. Howard figured he had to have beaten off to Jennifer Garner but he denied ever doing that. Robin asked him if he still masturbates. JJ avoided answering any questions like that but Howard wouldn't stop. He told JJ that he must get tempted with some of the women he casts for his shows. JJ said that it's the greatest job ever to have actors come in and work with him.
Gary wanted to ask a couple of ''Lost'' questions. He asked JJ if he's irritated by the amount of repeats that ABC does. JJ said that does bother him because they show it a couple of times a week sometimes. He said that they do 23-24 episodes a season. Howard wondered if he's spreading himself too thin. JJ said he was able to walk away from both ''Alias'' and ''Lost'' and not worry about them because he had people to cover for him. Howard asked him if he was pissed when Jennifer Garner announced she was pregnant. He said it was inevitable that she was going to get pregnant eventually. He said that he was actually the one who let the cat out of the bag about Jennifer being pregnant when some reporter asked him about it.
Gary said that he has a problem with ''Lost'' and how the hot blonde is interested in the big fat guy. Gary also brought up how that the little elf guy is dating Evangeline Lilly but JJ said he's not talking about stuff like that because he got in so much trouble about the Jennifer Garner pregnancy thing. He said he hates to gossip about stuff.
Howard asked JJ if he's seen any of his hot leading ladies naked before. JJ said he's seen some of them in next to nothing but not naked. The guys also asked JJ about Michelle Rodriguez getting arrested for DUI and if she's going to be written out of the show. JJ said they're not writing her out of the show.
Howard asked JJ about ''Mission Impossible III'' and how that all came about. He asked him if Tom Cruise brought up Scientology when they were hanging out. JJ said that he got a call from Tom when they were shooting the pilot for ''Lost'' and was offered to do ''The War of the Worlds'' at first. He couldn't do it because he was busy with ''Lost'' at the time. He turned that job down but Cruise came back to him for ''Mission Impossible III.'' He said that Tom told him that he had watched every episode of ''Alias'' and wanted to hang out with him. He had a meeting with Cruise and Speilberg and it blew him away. He said it was mind blowing to him to be hanging out with the two of them in his office.
Howard was asking JJ if he met Speilberg's kids when he was hanging out with him. Artie started to do an impression of what his kids might be like and had everyone cracking up. JJ was barely able to speak because he was laughing so hard. JJ said that's the reason he bought SIRIUS, so he could hear stuff like that. JJ was also saying that he did meet Tom's kids but not Steven's kids. He said that Tom's kids were great and they weren't acting the way Artie was doing his impression. Howard asked JJ if he got to go to Tom's house. He did get to go there before the baby was born. He hasn't been since the baby came because it's a mob scene over there now.
Howard told JJ that he's not a ''Mission Impossible'' guy so he's not interested in this new one. He asked him how much they spent making this one. JJ said it was somewhere around $150 million. He said he co-wrote the script and he's thinking it's good. He told Howard that they have a team in this one, unlike the first one. He said he loved the team aspect of the Mission Impossible TV show so that's what he brought back in this movie.
Gary came in and interrupted and said that JJ had to get going, he had a plane to catch. Howard asked him if he's getting points on this movie or not. JJ said he got paid a flat fee but he's very happy with that. Howard wanted to know if he got paid over or under $5 million. JJ said he wasn't comfortable talking about that stuff. Ralph called in and said that this movie will be great because he always starts off good but then blows things. He thinks that he'll screw it up like he screwed up ''Lost.'' He also brought up ''Alias'' and said that he was going to start watching it again until he saw Jennifer Garner walking around with that big belly of hers. He turned it right off once he saw that.
Howard told JJ what a big fan of his he is and then wrapped up with him. He gave him a plug for ''Mission Impossible III'' and then went to break.
Howard said that Jewel was up at SIRIUS the other day doing some performances in the Fish Bowl studio but she had some partitions put up so no one could watch her. Gary said he once went to an event where he was told not to look her in her eye. Howard said he was going to watch her do her thing but when he saw what was going on he just left. He said it looked like a whole big thing and he didn't want anything to do with it. Howard thought she was going to come on his show too but Gary told him that may have fallen through.
Howard said he enjoyed talking to JJ Abrams but he had a lot of other questions for him. Artie said he was figuring out what kind of money he must be making because he's got 2 hit shows that are already syndicated and Lost will eventually get there. He figures those three must be at least worth $100 million to JJ. The guys talked about how DVD sales are huge now as well.
Doug asked Double A about walking out with 4 gift bags. Double A said it was only one. Irish John called in and said that he saw next to Double A and Bobo and there were no girls there with him. He knew girls that were there and they said hello to him. Howard said that maybe Doug is wrong about this whole thing. Doug said that if he is wrong, he will apologize.
Joey Boots called in and said that it wasn't just him saying this, it's other people who saw him with other chicks. Boots said that he saw Double A trying to sneak someone into the party. The two of them were talking over each other and Double A wanted to get into a ring with Joey. Joey said he watched him bring this girl into the party and he got caught in a lie. They were going back and forth but Howard cut them off and wanted to move along but they wouldn't stop.
Double A said that there was a huge fan of the show out there saying hello to everyone. Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Double A's girlfriend came up to him and introduced herself. Double A said that the girl who came up to him was just someone he knew.
Doug said that Double A wouldn't let him off the hook on Thursday with the tickets. He kept calling him over and over again and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Double A was upset about Doug dissing him like this. Doug said he was going to check some video footage that a fan shot to find out if this really happened. Double A said that he can ban him from the show if his girlfriend was there.
Bobo called in and confirmed Double A's story. So did Angry Black. Angry told Howard that Joey Boots was trying to start trouble outside of the festival that night and he's the one who should be banned. Howard started to wrap up with everyone. Angry got in a few more comments before he got off the phone. He was saying that the black girl, Ettamay Chamberlain, who entered the contest talked his ear off for 40 minutes because she was so pissed that she lost.
Angry was also saying that he got to make out with Victoria Zdrok who was there at the party. He said he ''thinks'' that it was her anyway. He claims that he thinks it was her and he did make out with this chick. Joey Boots was back on the phone. He tried to tell Howard that he did see Double A trying to sneak someone in but everyone started to talk over each other so he got them all off the phone.
Howard said that the news about Rosie O'Donnell replacing Meridith Viera on ''The View'' came out the day of the Film Festival so he was questioned about that. He thinks it's a great idea and she's apparently going to be paid only $2 million a year. He said that's pretty low for Rosie. He said that Star Jones may be upset about it but he figures that she'll stick with the show anyway.
Howard also brought up the story about Rush Limbaugh who was arrested last week but it turns out it was some kind of deal he was working out for some trouble he got into. Robin said that he did get into a lot of trouble but he pleaded not guilty and ended up getting out of it somehow. That led to Howard playing an audio clip from Rush's audio book where he talks about drug abuse and how abusers should be sent to prison, no questions asked, because they're dangerous to society. Then Rush gets arrested for prescription drug problems. Howard played some clips that Richard Christy put together using clips from Rush's book. That got Artie laughing pretty hard.
One guy called in and said that he loved Howard's film festival entry ''Fred.'' Howard said that he was shocked when his film came in third place in the staff entries. Howard said he had tried to explain to the judges why he had done what he had done and that may have gotten him some points.
George Flowers was in to give a Howard 100 News preview. He got the guys talking about the Film Festival and the staff entries. That led to Howard, Robin and Fred arguing about their first place win in the staff entries. Fred thought that Sal's movie wasn't a real movie, it was just a bit. Sal came in and tried to defend himself and wondered why all of this was coming back on him.
Sal was saying that the end of Fred and Robin's movie was great but it lagged a little in the middle. Howard wanted to hear from Jon Hein. Jon said that he would have given it to Sal and not to Ralph. Howard thought that Ralph deserved to win. Ralph was on the phone a minute later and said that he thinks that the order got reversed and his should have actually been in first place.
George Flowers gave the rest of his preview of today's Howard 100 News. Howard asked him if they are going to do an investigation into whether or not Double A snuck a girl into the After Party last week. George said he'd bring that up and see what they could do. Jon Hein was in to give his Wrap Up Show preview next. He mentioned some of the stuff they'd be talking about on that show today. They'll be talking about the guests and about some of the stuff that went on during today's Stern show.
Howard was going to have Robin start her news but he replayed a prank call that Sal and Richard made to Crazy Alice last week. He had Artie doing his impression of Alice a little bit as well. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that a lot of people have written in about Richard Christy not brushing his teeth or taking a shower daily. One person wrote in and said that Howard sounds happy these days and it makes for a better show when he is happy. That person also thinks that Beth O should be doing the Dancing with the Stars show.
Gary came in and told Howard that Sal is under the impression that he has hung out with Richard on a personal level outside of the show and it's driving him nuts. He was trying to keep it quiet because Sal couldn't hear the show where he was at.
Howard read through some other e-mail and then said that he and Richard have been spending some time together in the Hamptons. He said that he's been having a great time together out there. Richard came in and played along with the story just to drive Sal nuts. Sal came in and said he doesn't understand that. He said it makes sense to him because they both live in the city. He said that he knew that Richard and Howard hung out on Easter.
Sal said that there are some people who say that they can't hang out with Richard anymore. Howard told Sal that Richard has become one of his closest friends and they've been spending a lot of time together outside of the show. Sal said it kind of hurts that they're spending so much time together but he's kind of glad that they kept it a secret.
Howard kept the story going and said that Richard was driving his car all weekend. Sal said that's bullshit and he can't believe this. Sal said it really hurts that this is going on. Artie said that it kind of hurts him too because he lives near the city and he never gets invited.
Ralph called in and said that he doesn't get it either. He said that Richard is disgusting and doesn't shower so he's not sure how Howard could hang out with someone like that. Richard said he takes a shower on the weekend when they hang out. Howard and Richard said that they also work out at the gym together. Sal couldn't believe that either. He said he would love to hang out with Howard on the weekends and maybe it's time for him to get divorced.
Howard told Sal that he and Richard are hanging out so much together that they've actually pitched a show together to a network and they bought it. The show has been green lit and they're going to be Executive Producers on the show. Sal got pissed when Jason was snapping pictures of him as he was getting upset. Artie was pretending to be upset because he's been trying to pitch ideas for TV shows himself.
Howard told Richard to bring a change of clothes on the night of Robin's party because he's invited to come down to Atlantic City with he and Beth that night. Ralph said that even he wasn't invited down there. Sal was really getting upset that Howard can never find time for him.
Artie said that now he knows why JJ Abrams congratulated Richard before he left. He knew about the TV show thing and that's why it was happening. Howard kept that story going and said that they got a 13 episode green light which is amazing. Artie congratulated him on that too. Sal asked why he wasn't involved in the writing. Howard told him it's going to be a 50/50 split between he and Richard. Then he told Sal that Richard is dating one of Beth's cousins, Lynn Ostrosky.
Sal was putting all of this together into an imaginary explanation for all of the strange things that go on around there. He said that Richard won't date any hot chicks at the comedy shows they go to so he must be avoiding that because he's dating Lynn Ostrosky. Howard said that if Richard marries Lynn and Howard marries Beth, they'd actually be family. Ralph backed that up and said that Lynn is like Beth hot so he doesn't understand her dating Richard.
Howard said that Beth's mother loves Richard more than she loves him. Gary asked Sal where his congratulations are for his good friend Richard. Sal wondered where Richard's apology is for keeping this all behind his back. Howard thanked Richard for coming up with the idea for the TV sitcom and for keeping Lynn happy.
Sal said that he always knew in the back of his head that this was going on. He said that Gary blew it today when he said something to him... That's when Howard broke the news to him that they were goofing on him. Howard told him that they had just made all of this stuff up to goof on him. Sal couldn't believe it and didn't know how Ralph was in on it. Howard and the guys said that the whole audience knew what they were up to. Sal said he hates them all but he did think it was funny. Howard told him to get out of there because he's an idiot. Sal was very happy and said that he felt like he had just won the lottery or something.
Artie said that was perfect. Ralph said he almost burst out laughing about 5 times. Howard was just about laughing at Sal too. He said he thought Sal would have figured it out when he brought up the double wedding thing. He had Robin start her news after that.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that the Sal bit was hilarious but he didn't know it was a joke so he was falling for it as well.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the morning talking about a story in Page Six about how he was talking about Richard Roeper's girlfriend who brought home girls for Richard. He said he was wondering at the time he was asking her about that if it would end up in Page Six and that's exactly where it ended up. He replayed some of that interview from the Wrap Up Show that they recorded live at the Film Festival After Party. Richard Roeper had no comment but his girlfriend was willing to talk about bringing home a girl for him.
Howard said that it was really noisy in that room where they were doing the broadcast from. He said that Richard's girlfriend was really hot and almost as hot as the girl Joe Francis had with him there. Robin agreed that she was very hot. Artie thought that Joe's girl was a little over rated by Howard but he was lit so he's not sure about that.
Howard said that it was pretty interesting to learn that about Richard Roeper. He also got a glimpse into Sam Simon's life when Ivy Supersonic appeared on the Wrap Up Show and talked about sleeping with Sam one night. Howard explained her story and how she thinks that FOX ripped off a cartoon character that she created so Sam took advantage of that and managed to get her in bed one night.
Howard played the audio where Ivy was talking about her character the ''Sqrat'' which FOX allegedly ripped off and used in their movie ''Ice Age.'' She said that Sam told her he was going to help her get the cartoon put out and she thinks he did that just to sleep with her. Sal said that he heard that Ivy was offered a $300,000 settlement from FOX and she turned it down and lost the case so she's out all of that money.
Howard said that Ivy was apparently complaining about Sam handing out $100 bills to people when they were out eating and stuff. He said they did get a glimpse into Sam's life in that story. Artie said he saw Sam and Ivy talking the night of Howard's birthday party so that's where they met. Artie and Dana were heading out that night and saw Sam and Ivy out by the coat check. Artie said that Ivy is always wearing enormous hats so that's how he recognizes her.
Howard said that there are a lot of entertainers out there who lie about their age and he thinks that Jenny McCarthy is still claiming that she's 31. Artie said that Ralph says he's only 38 but Howard said that he's actually like 42. That led to Howard saying that he saw Ralph talking to Akira the puss shocking chick. He got to mess around with her and they've been calling each other since then.
Artie said that Stuttering John used to lie about his age and would take 2 years off his age until Howard and Robin busted him on the air.
Howard played some of DMX's latest song and then brought up the news clip he played recently where this guy Baba Louie had passed away. It turns out that guy was a fan of the show. He replayed the audio clip where the reporter did a report on the guy passing away at the age of 55. The guy sent them a letter back in December 2003 telling them what a fan of the show he was. He was pitching a robotic sex simulator that sounded similar to the Sybian. They never contacted him back. The guy died while trying to save his dog.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he was reading an article about Howard being voted one of Most Influential People by Time Magazine. David Spade wrote a note about Howard after being asked to do that. Howard said he had nothing to do with picking David but his people thought he had hand picked him. The caller said that Spade's comments didn't really mention SIRIUS at all. Howard said the article was all good but it wasn't really written by someone who understands his contributions.
Howard said he was going to call Spade to thank him for the comments in Time magazine but he has changed his cell phone number again. He called Gary to get the cell number but Gary wasn't able to get it from him because Spade won't give it to him. He said he had to chase it down and thought that was kind of ridiculous.
Howard read the article that Spade wrote. Spade says he's a hard core fan of the show but didn't start listening until the mid 90's. Spade says that Howard can still make him laugh 10 years after he started listening. The report was very nice coming from Spade but he didn't think Spade explained how Howard Stern is influential.
Artie thought the letter was insanely complimentary but Howard still didn't seem to like it as much as he did. Howard said that they could have talked about how he influenced the radio business or something like that. He said he thinks he's personally responsible for changing radio and revolutionizing TV as we know it today. Robin read about JJ Abrams who had an article written about him by Tom Cruise. Cruise was kissing his ass like no one could. Robin said that's the kind of stuff Spade should have been writing about Howard.
Howard said that even though he's on the Time 100 List, he's still not happy. He wants to call Spade and bust his balls about what he wrote. He's pretty sure he won't be on the list next year so they won't be able to get someone to write glowing things about the way he influenced the business. He said that he should have Jimmy Kimmel write an article about him because Jimmy worships him.
Howard continued to goof on Spade for a short time. He also brought up the Hot Pockets reference in the article which led to him talking about how many awful foods there are out there. He said he used to eat Pizza Pockets when he was young and it was the worst shit on the planet. He said he also used to eat TV dinners and stuff that were really bad. Howard said he used to go to a fast food restaurant called Wetsons that came around before White Castle and McDonalds and they ended up blowing it. They had the same kind of garbage that McDonalds did but they got blown out of the water.
Artie said that out in California they can support like 7 different fast food restaurants like In and Out, Astroburger, Jack in the Box and a bunch of others. He said that Astroburger is great and he used to go there when he was working on MAD TV. Howard said he used to love Roy Rogers years ago. There aren't many of them around anymore. Howard said he used to pack on a ton of weight eating crap from Roy Rogers. He used to eat burgers and apple pies from that place and he really didn't care back then. Robin used to eat with him too. Howard bought a pair of stretch pants so he could just eat and expand.
Artie said he used to get a McDonalds Apple Pie when he used to play baseball in school and it was so good. Howard said he was getting really sick back when he was eating all of that kind of crap so he went to the doctor and that guy told him he was dying from eating all of that crap. His immune system was shot so the doctor told him to diet, start eating properly and join a gym. That's when he started working out and eating the right foods.
Howard said that he slimmmed down and now he looks like a 52 year old rotting corpse. He was still living at home with his parents at the time and his parents actually had an intervention with him and told him that he had to do something about being fat.
Robin brought up Artie's fat that was measured the other day. The guys talked to Artie about his weight losses and gains since he's been on the show. Artie said his weight goes up and down all the time so it's not unusual for him to do that. Howard thinks that Artie slimmed down last summer because he was doing his movie ''Beer League'' but Artie made it seem like it's just his weight going up and down.
Ettamay said that she is in the film business and you can find out more about her company at GoldenHillPictures.com. Artie wondered where some of the other films placed because he wasn't sure where they all came in. He thought that ''Trapped in the Attic'' should have come in close to the top and so should Ettamay's.
Howard told Ettamay that she sounds like a housekeeper with her accent. She said she's from an island off of Honduras so that's where the accent came from. She told Howard that she's never been a housekeeper. Howard said that Ettamay was the name of Whoopi Goldberg's character in ''Ghost.''
Howard told Ettamay that she's a very beautiful woman too. Ettamay said she wanted to send him and Robin a gift of 3 of her best films. Howard said he'd like to see them even though she pronounces the word film ''fill-em.'' Howard gave her another plug for her web site and said that he just found out that it wasn't Ettamay in ''Ghost'' it was Ottamay. He let Ettamay go right after that.
Gary came in and told Howard that he's got some audio clips to play from Riley Martin's show that aired last night. He said the whole thing is a riot. Robin said she can't believe she missed his show again. She forgot it was on last night. Howard did a little more of his impression of Riley and goofed on him a little bit. Gary was telling Howard about some of the stuff that Riley was talking about on the show and had him going pretty good.
Richard Christy said he was trying to get through last night but they were really paranoid about prank calls so they'd only let the people speak for about 10 seconds before fading them down. Howard went to break a short time later.
Lisa told Howard that Jason and Will have a new Page 69 segment. They'll also be talking to Tommy Chong about his new book ''The I Chong : Meditations from the Joint.'' They'll also be doing a report about Benjy's web site BenjyBronk.com which doesn't have much of anything on it at this point. Lisa also got in a plug for The Sex Connection show that will be airing tonight at 7pm. Victoria Zdrok hosts that show. Howard said he heard she was at the film festival and if he knew that he would have brought her up on stage.
Howard spent a minute talking about how Victoria Zdrok has a 4 inch long clitoris and he saw it in Penthouse magazine. He said it really freaked him out because it's a little too ''pee-nye'' like for him. He said it probably wouldn't slow him down from banging her though.
Howard said that this guy sounds all pervy to him so he believes he could be a priest. Will said that he's been a priest since 1990 and he didn't feel this way when he first started out. He can't speak to anyone else at the church but he knows he needs help.
Will described the 16 year old boy that he's interested in and said that he doesn't want anything to happen to him. Howard told him that he's probably the last person he should be going to for something like this. Will told Howard that he believes he's a good man so that's why he's coming to him. Howard told him that maybe he should chop off his wiener, that might take care of his problems. He hung up on the guy a short time later. Howard goofed on the guy for a short time and then moved on to Riley Martin audio clips.
Riley described the reptilian types, the bug types and others. Artie was laughing and saying that this was great radio. Riley claims that he's studying the technology of the ''skreed.''
Howard interrupted and said he found out that the Howard 100 News department tracked down video of Double A taking at least 2 gift bags out of the Howard Stern Film Festival After Party. Howard tried to get Joey Boots on the phone but it sounded like he was asleep. Gary said that Double A may have jammed a third bag into the two bags he was carrying out of the hotel that night.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that Howard create a third channel that he could call the Who Gives a Shit channel that Howard has mentioned before. Howard said he could do that with the third channel he has the option to start. Artie said that he actually does give a shit about Riley though. He likes to hear this stuff that he talks about.
Howard got back to the Riley Martin audio clips and listened in on some more of that. Howard said that Riley is as whacked out as Mariah Carey was when she was leaving the messages for her ''lambs'' a few years back. He said they stopped her from doing that for a while but now she's back to doing them again. He played one of her messages where she lets out this little squeak at the start of her message. He said she does that at the start and the end of her message. Mariah tells her fans how much she ''loves, appreciates and enjoys'' them. Howard said that's one of her catch phrases. She ends her message with the squeaky voice which Howard seems to hate.
Howard asked whose messages were kookier, Mariah's or Riley's. Robin said that they're both pretty wacky. Howard played more of Riley's audio clips and did his impression of him a little more. He wondered if Robin wanted to hear more of Riley's nonsense of if she wanted him to move on. Robin told him she wanted to hear more. Howard played more of Riley talking about the alien home planet and how large that is. He described the population on the planet Biavia and how they keep their population from getting over crowded.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that Artie is going to be on Jimmy Kimmel's show. Artie said it's not until May 19th though. Melrose has his tickets already and he'll be wearing his raccoon hat that night. Howard said that Jimmy's show doesn't come on until like 12:06 in the morning. He watched the show recently where Adam Carolla made an appearance and thought it was really good, but it wasn't on until 12:06. Melrose said that Teri Hatcher and Hoobastank will be on the show the same night Artie is on.
Melrose said that he got an invite for the film festival but he couldn't make it, he's looking forward to the L.A. Film Festival. Melrose also mentioned that he was at an Immigrant march yesterday and he thinks that it was a big waste of time. He said that he thinks that all illegal immigrants should be deported. Howard said the government had the perfect chance to get rid of some illegals yesterday at the protests but they just sat back and didn't do anything.
Howard let Melrose go and took another phone call. The caller said that he was listening to Riley's show last night and thought it was a goof but ended up getting wrapped up in the whole show after listening for a while. Howard mentioned Victoria Zdrok's show that's airing tonight.
Gary asked Howard if he knew what tea bagging is all about. Howard thought it was dipping your balls in a girl's mouth but Gary thought that it's actually when you dip your balls in a girl's eye sockets. They did a Google search for the term and found that it was either dipping the balls in a girls mouth or on her forehead.
Howard had Gary bring in the girl who was there to do this whole thing. She came in and Howard said she looked a little like Jaime Presley. She's from Australia so she had a bit of an accent. Howard found out she's been in this country for 5 years now and she does have a green card. She said she got the card for being an adult film star. She said she's done a bunch of movies and said that she's done double anal penetration in one movie. Howard said she's a tiny girl and he can't imagine that going on with her. She said it took a little time to get it going but they made it happen.
Gary asked her if she has dated anyone famous. She said that she dated Jack Osbourne for a few months. She said that he was underage at the time and she didn't bang him. He was only 16 at the time and she was 24. She said that he was grinding on top of her one time and she claims he has a small penis. She said she's never met his parents.
Howard figured that something bad must have happened to this girl in her life. She said that she didn't have any molestation or anything like that. She said that her four brothers are ready to kill her for doing this though. Gary said he heard that she works at a club and on certain occasions she will go with them on vacations. He asked her how much she charges for that. It turns out it'll cost you about $50,000 to take her away and bang her. She said she didn't want to bring that up.
Gary asked what that fifty grand will get a guy. He hoped that it would get him just about anything he wants. She just laughed and said it would get a guy just about anything. She won't let a guy urinate on her or crap on her.
Howard brought up how she got on the show and how she was supposed to come in and get tea bagged. She described what she thinks tea bagging is all about. She said that it's putting the balls in a girls mouth or on her forehead. The whole thing was brought about when Norelco came out with this body groomer shaver that can be used on a guy's balls. They even have an attachment that can be used around the butt hole and taint.
Howard brought in one guy who wanted to have his balls shaved. He said the guy's name was Lester (Beetlejuice). Gary told Howard that Lester was locked in the bathroom so he needed a couple of minutes to get him out. The Penthouse Executive Club chick said that she was going to do the shaving herself so maybe Lester was afraid.
Lester came in a short time later and Jodie (Howard finally gave her name) laughed when she saw him walk in. Lester wasn't happy this morning and he wanted nothing to do with this. Jodie begged him to let her shave his balls. She said that he was crying but Beet said that he wasn't crying and he wasn't going to get his balls shaved. Gary told Howard that Lester drank last night and got hungover so that's why he wasn't happy.
Howard told Beet that he lined this girl up just for him but Beet didn't want her shaving his balls. He didn't want to sit on her head either. Gary told Howard that Beet can't sit on the couch for reasons he hadn't explained yet. Jodie offered to let him sit on her lap but Beet didn't even want to do that. Howard asked her to show him her boobs so she whipped them out for him. She begged him to come sit on her lap but it wasn't happening.
Beet got on the couch and Jodie put her arm around him. Beet really didn't care about her and didn't seem to want to be there at all. Gary said that a real man would let her shave his balls and sit on her head. Howard said that he used to be a happy guy. Beet was sitting there naked according to Howard. Gary said that if Beet doesn't want to do it, Dominic would do it. Gary wasn't even sure what that meant but that's what he was told to say to Beet to get him to do it.
Howard told Beet to check out her bra and then had Jodie get up to show Beet her ass. Beet didn't care about that and wouldn't cooperate with them at all. Beet told the guys he's got no balls. Jodie had him stand up on the couch and then let Jodie go in to shave his balls. He said that doesn't bother him. Jodie was shaving him down and Beet said he didn't feel a thing.
Howard told Jodie to get on the floor so Beet could sit on her head. She got down and Beet snapped out of his funk and got into it. Howard said that Beet was finally getting happy. He told Beet he had to sit on her forehead and put his balls on her forehead. Beetlejuice finally did it and Jodie told him that his balls were silky smooth. Howard asked her how he smelled down there. Gary told Howard that Beet had just taken a dump before he came in the studio. Jodie said he cleaned himself up well though.
Gary suggested that they get Jodie to ride the Sybian before she leaves. Howard asked her if she would ride it and told her about some of the other porn stars who have ridden this thing. He told her that she could ride it and tell them what she thinks about it. She agreed to do it so Gary came in to run the thing for her.
Gary showed her what she was going to do and suggested that she take her underwear off and maybe leave her skirt on. Howard said that she should take it all off but she decided to keep her clothes on. She wanted to keep her panties on but Howard asked her to at least take her skirt off.
Jodie got on and Gary started to ramp up the machine. She said it felt good and got her clitoris in the right spot. Howard had Gary turn it up to about 40 percent. She asked for more so Gary kept it going up and up. She said she wants one for herself. She hopped off at one point and said that she was very sensitive down there. She claimed that she had already finished but stayed on the machine. She said she was all hot and bothered at that point. She claimed that she had an orgasm so Howard let her get off the machine.
Jodie said that her thing was soaking wet and vibrating. Mike Gange asked if she would shave herself. She said that she was all shaved down. Then she showed the guys that she was shaved and Gary noticed that she's having her time of the month. She was a little upset that Gary mentioned that but he claimed that he asked her and she said it was okay to mention.
Howard spoke to Beetlejuice a little bit and got in a plug for the Philips Norelco Men's Bodygroom shaver which you can find out more about at ShaveEverywhere.com. Beetlejuice claimed that he faked his crying to get on Jodie's good side. It worked because she really seemed to like him.
Artie told Beetlejuice that he looked like a fag when he was crying. That got the two of them into a little bit of a battle. Howard asked Beet if he'll go out with Jodie. He said he would go out with her and he might even ask her to marry him. Jodie said that she'd have to sleep on that.
Howard gave Beet a plug for an upcoming gig he has where he'll be coming out of retirement to be dwarf tossed. He's going to be at the Lucky Leprechaun on May 5th. You can find out more at JollyDwarf.com.
Artie tried to get Beet to fight with him a little more but Beet wasn't getting into it that much. Howard asked Beet if his wife is shaved down completely. Beet said he's really not sure about that. Howard also asked him why he doesn't do the dwarf tossing more because he could probably make some good money doing that. Beet said he could do it every day.
Sal the Stockbroker came in and told Howard he found a pair of boxers in the bathroom garbage that could have only come from Beet. Beetlejuice said he cleaned himself up so he should stop with that. He said that when he drinks coffee, that's what happens to him. He messed his pants and cleaned up so no one should be worried about that.
Howard asked Sal if he wanted to bring the underwear into the studio. Gary said he told him not to and Beetlejuice was also asking him not to do it. Sal came in a short time later with the underwear and they did have a little bit of stuff in them. Sal then took them out to show them to Gary. Beetlejuice said he was never coming back again after that. Richard came in and asked if they could have Beetlejuice demonstrate his wiping techniques. Howard didn't want to do that.
Howard said they have to get some pictures of Beet and Jodie up on his web site. Jodie said that you can check her out at JodieMoore.com or at PenthouseExecutiveClub.com. Gary interrupted and said that Sal and Richard are willing to take bids to wear Beet's underwear on their heads. Beet didn't think that was cool and didn't want them wearing it. He said he would leave if they did that.
Sal said he'd take $800 to do it but Richard undercut him at $700. Then Sal came down to $600. Richard went right down to $500. Sal told Richard to take it at $500. Richard said he might puke so they need a garbage can in there. Sal was going to put the underwear on him and said he wouldn't rub it in.
Sal put the underwear on his head and Richard started to dry heave immediately. He was heaving and spitting up. Benjy said that there was shit on his face. Richard said he doesn't know what Beet ate but it really stunk. Richard had shit on his face so that freaked him out even more. Robin told him to go to the bathroom and wash his face. He was still dry heaving though so he couldn't leave. Howard told him he'll give him the $500 later on.
Sal got pissed when Richard rubbed his face on his shirt. That led to a fight between Richard and Sal so Howard had to break that up quickly. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said this will air on Howard TV soon and it may have been one of the funniest things they've done so far. Another phone caller asked if Beet was okay after the segment. Howard said that Beet was fine when he was leaving but Robin said that Beetlejuice was almost crying when they brought in his dirty underwear.
The caller said that he's going in for a biopsy tomorrow and he's been sick for a while now. He's got four subscriptions right now and he claims that he has it in his will to keep those subscriptions going even if he passes away. Howard wished him luck and let him off the phone.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought that segment was a great bit. He said that the Sal and Richard bit yesterday was great as well when they jerked Sal around making him thing that Richard had been hanging out with Howard outside of the show. Howard said some people thought Sal was putting that on but he really was sucked into the whole story and was really bumming out.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if it was Howard's mother's birthday. He thought he heard Howard say that but Howard said her birthday is October 22nd. Jeff said that it's his birthday today. Howard pointed out that Jeff is still stuck in that rut of his life and drinking, taking SSI and using food stamps to buy food. Jeff is 39 years old. Howard told him that maybe he should go out and get a job, try mowing a lawn or something. He wished him a happy birthday but Jeff just hung up without saying a word.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that he loves Howard TV because they get the shows on so quick. It's so much better than the E! show was. He said that all of those guys have been doing a great job. He thought that Howard had been giving Doug a hard time lately but Howard doesn't believe that's true. Howard explained that sometimes you have to hate the people you love and he had to wake Doug up out of his coma. Bong Hit asked Artie what he had eaten today. Artie said he only had one Devil Dog this morning. Howard let Eric go and took some other calls.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that today he wished that he was a tiny headed, black midget today. Howard said that Jodie Moore was treating Beet really well when she was shaving him down.
Jeff the Drunk called back and complained that they were talking shit about him. Howard said that he was just saying that it must be a bad day for Jeff when another year goes by in his life and he still doesn't have a job. Jeff didn't have much of a comeback for him, he just said ''Fine, be that way!'' and hung up again. Artie said that this is probably the day where Jeff relaxes after doing nothing all year.
Howard said there was a phony article written on April 1st about how DJs around the country are subscribing to SIRIUS so they don't have to hire writers. Howard said that led to him thinking about going through the list of names to see what kind of people are actually subscribing to the service.
Howard said that SIRIUS made a big announcement today. He read through the press release and said that they had over 4 million subscribers. They also took on more subscribers than XM did in the first quarter of this year. They're estimating that they'll have over 6 million by the end of the year. SIRIUS also believes that they'll show a profit soon. They're also going to be announcing a new, live, wearable radio this summer. Howard's show will also be available for streaming by Father's day which is about a month and a half away.
Howard wondered what Jeff the Drunk wanted him to say about his birthday. Robin said he probably wanted him to get all excited about it. Howard said that's kind of childish, the guy is 39 years old and he's still into his birthday.
Howard said that the wearable SIRIUS is going to be great. He went on to read the latest XM press release where they talk about their loss widening and that they're being investigated by the Feds.
Howard read through some other news articles including one about the FCC going after media conglomerates about indecency. He read another one about a radio host, Phil Hendry, who will be retiring from radio and going to do other things. Howard once sat in on his show and the guy pretends to be the guests he has on the show. The guy is so good that the fans would call in and yell at the guests.
Howard said that Rosie O'Donnell is coming back to TV even after she claimed that she was going away to raise a family. He said that Rosie had only 2 million viewers when she was on TV and right now SIRIUS has 4 million subscribers so it sure doesn't sound like she had that many viewers.
Howard read some other articles about radio stations that are failing since he left. WJFK in Washington DC has gone down in the ratings. So did KLSX which went down to number 27 in the ratings after he left. Howard said he's glad he got out when he did. He had done everything he wanted to when he was on terrestrial.
Howard said that Mancow is trying to get in on his stations now and he's showing up on the cover of Billboard Radio Monitor every month now. He's trying to get syndicated but he's pretty sure he's not picking up anything. Howard said he heard that Mancow is actually a nice guy. He hopes he gets some stations and goes up against Opie and Anthony and bashes their brains in. He'd love that to happen. Let them get some radio wars going. Robin said she thought that you had to be good in your local market to get syndicated. Howard said he was looking at the Chicago top 10 ratings and didn't see Mancow in there.
Gary said he used to listen to tapes of Mancow and the show was always very frantic. Now he's heard that he doesn't do that kind of show anymore and he's become a right wing type now. Artie said he heard that Mancow was like a Greaseman type but Howard told him he's not as bad as the Greaseman.
Gary said that he heard that Mancow is now a Christian and a comedian they know got in trouble when he said something off the air in front of the boss at the station. Gary was also saying that a lot of these radio guys claim that Howard is old so he's over but some of those guys are almost as old as Howard is.
Howard ended up replaying the Mariah Carey audio clip that he played earlier in the show. He was using her line about loving, needing and appreciating the fans. Howard said they have to isolate that clip where she squeals. He said that the love, appreciate and enjoy line should be what his fans say to him when they call in. He said that she sickens him when he hears that. He pictures her laying around in an open robe with fuzzy slippers and her big thighs and big bush hanging out.
Howard said that a hockey player slipped and said ''shit'' on the air recently but there isn't much of an uproar over that. He said that they did apologize for that a little later on and said that they would have edited that out if they weren't live on the air. Nobody complained because no one is watching hockey anymore.
Howard said that some of the guys on The Sopranos are getting into trouble lately. He said that Artie Bucco got into trouble recently and another guy just got in trouble this past week or so. Robert Iler got in trouble a couple of years ago and so did the guy who plays Big Pussy. He's starting to think that these guys aren't actors, they're the real thing.
Gary said he was talking to Scott's wife recently and she's kind of upset that her son is going to Europe soon. They sat him down and lectured their son about drugs and condom use but he's in his 20s now. Robin asked Scott what they told him in that discussion. Scott said they told him to be careful with the drug thing. He said that smoking pot is fine though.
Howard got a note from Benjy where he said that Scott's son will be playing in some city that Howard had never heard of. Sal told Howard that he heard that band's stuff and it was like dog shit. Howard told Sal he's heard his music from when he was a kid and that wasn't so great. Sal agreed with that. Fred played some of Sal's awful rap music and then Howard played a bit of Dog Eat Dog's stuff. Fred said that Scott sent him a clip the other day and it had a bit of one of the songs in it. Now he knows why Scott sent him the clip.
Howard played the Dog Eat Dog song and he thought it sounded kind of like a Counting Crows thing. Scott said that they have some heavier stuff too. Howard thought it sounded a little gay to him. Scott had him play ''MILF'' which was a bit heavier. As soon as Howard heard it he said it was better than the last one. He said that one wasn't gay and he liked some of the lyrics.
Howard tried another track and thought that one started out pretty good. He didn't make it through a lot of that song. Scott said that the band was blown away when they heard his son play guitar so they hired him.
Howard read an article about the camera and said he thinks it's a good idea. The police department is putting the cameras up all over the city now. Howard was saying he thought it was a great idea but Artie said he's kind of freaked out by it. Howard said he's afraid he might get caught doing something crazy and it will end up on tape.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Howard what Beth's decision on doing Dancing with the Stars is. Howard said that Mariann wrote a letter to Beth about how she thinks it's a bad idea to do the show. He said that Beth had a big meeting about the show yesterday and the people in the meeting were telling her that she could do the show by staying out there for only 2 days a week. He said that's easy to say to someone but actually pulling it off is another thing.
Mariann interrupted and said that Howard should tell Beth to think about sitting at home with Howard and Bianca and that will keep her from going. Howard said that Beth told him she doesn't want to do the show but she's still going through with the meetings and stuff. She said she'd like to be able to try the show because of the athletic part of it. She thinks the show is kind of cheesy and weird and she's not sure she'd want to do it. She's taking a couple of weeks to think about doing it.
Howard thinks that Beth has her head screwed on straight and she'll figure it out on her own. Mariann wants to write her another letter to try and convince her not to do it. Howard said he tried to find out what Beth is thinking but he came to a point where she just cut him off and said they're not going to discuss it anymore.
Fred thinks that Beth just wants a sounding board and not a solution from Howard. Howard said he would like to give some advice on the whole thing but Beth doesn't want to hear it. Mariann said that if she really wanted it, she would have taken it right away. Robin thinks that she should ride the whole thing out and let the people keep wooing her the way they are.
Howard said that Beth is out in L.A. Today and she won't be home until Saturday morning. Then they have to go to Robin's party so she's going to be totally wiped out by the time she gets home. Howard let Mariann go a short time later because she seemed to be getting on his nerves.
Howard said he was watching Smallville in HD the other night and noticed that the chick who plays Chloe has zits all over her forehead. He didn't know that before he got HD.
A phone caller told Howard that his film was great and they need more of Fred's funny looks on Howard TV. Howard said he was on SternFanNetwork the other day and some people didn't like his movie. Fred said that those shots in that movie were taken out of context and it made him look like he was nuts. The caller said that he was up there for the Ronnie Roast and got to sit right near Fred. He said it is fascinating to watch him do his thing.
Fred said he felt Howard's movie was very artistic so he was defending the film a little bit. Howard had to defend it as well because some people think that he didn't have all that much to do with the making of the short film. The idea was all Howard and he asked some people to help edit it. Ralph's film was also brought up because other people did a lot of work for Ralph on his short film. Scott DePace did most of the work on it so he came in and said it took him about a day and a half to create it. Ralph was calling him with a lot of changes over that day and a half.
Howard read through some e-mail after that. He said that someone said that Robin shouldn't be allowed to comment on music anymore because of what she was saying yesterday. He interrupted the mail and took a call from Ralph who defended his film. He said that he did have a lot to do with the movie, he directed it and came up with the idea for it. Fred goofed on him a little bit and said that it wasn't a movie, it was a trailer.
Howard told Ralph to talk about hanging out with Akira at Scores the other night. Ralph said he was hitting it off with her and she was really beautiful. She put her phone number in his phone and he has called her back but he's not sure what's going on there. He said he'll have to see what happens. He doesn't want to screw things up by talking about it on the air until after something happens. He said he wants to make sure he can make something happen before he talks about it.
Ralph said he got some pictures at the film festival that he's going to send to them so they can put them up on the web site. Gary came in to talk about how wasted Richard Christy was at the party that night. Howard thought they already had the pictures from Ralph but they had other pictures from earlier this morning where Jodie and Beetlejuice were doing their thing. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
George Flowers was in to give a Howard 100 News preview. He quickly went over the stuff they had coming up on Howard 100 News today at noon. He mentioned the Tommy Chong story that Lisa G had mentioned earlier so Howard spent a short time talking about how pissed off people will get when they read Tommy's book where he talks about getting locked up in prison just for selling bongs. George Flowers claimed he didn't know what a bong was and had to ask what they were talking about. That led to the guys talking about smoking weed and some of their experiences with the stuff.
Jon Hein was also in with a Wrap Up Show preview. He went through the things he had lined up to talk about after Howard's show today. They'll be talking about Jodie's visit to the show this morning and how that led to her riding the Sybian and some of the other things that went on. They're also going to try and figure out why Beet's attitude changed in the middle of the segment. Howard and Jon thought that Jodie took it all really well and just rolled with everything they threw at her. Jon said that they'll also talk about why Sal and Richard bid down on the wearing of Beet's shitty underwear.
Howard let Jon and George go after that. He said it's kind of nice to have someone like George who has no idea what a bong is. He had Robin start her news after that.
Some of the comments that the guy was making to Crazy Alice didn't make any sense to anyone. Artie said that if they understood some of that stuff, there's probably something wrong with you. Howard ended up doing an impression of the guy as he was listening to it.
Sal came in and said that he had this guy on the phone as they were talking but Howard wanted Sal to put him on the phone with Crazy Alice clips again. Sal said he could try and put him on with the live Crazy Alice to see what would happen then.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who claims he saw Artie's girlfriend Dana at a bar last Friday night with a guy who looked like a mix between Mr. T and some guy from the Detroit Pistons. Artie said she was out with some guys at this bar the guy was talking about. He said they're friends of theirs though so he knows she wasn't doing anything. The caller said that the guys were grabbing Dana's ass so Howard wondered if there was any truth to that. Artie said he'll have to get to the bottom of that. He's pretty sure nothing went on though.
Crazy Alice was on the phone a short time later. She said she's not sure why they still call her ''crazy'' because she's not crazy. Robin asked her if she listens to her messages, they're pretty crazy. Crazy Alice said that they're not crazy, they're wild. Howard decided to start calling her Wild Alice instead.
Alice spent a couple of minutes straightening them out on some of the comments she's made. She said that she doesn't hate black people, she doesn't like being black herself, she'd like to look a little prettier. She was saying that she likes some black women though and there are some very pretty ones.
Alice said that she hates being called ''crazy'' and that's why she throws shit back at them. Howard said he didn't know that she was a lesbian. Alice said she's kind of a hypocrite because she loves black women and she's attracted to white men.
Artie went into his Alice impression which just pissed her off. She went off on him for a short time. Howard asked Alice if she's done anything with any chicks yet. Alice said she hasn't done anything yet but she does fantasize about it. She said that she sometimes thinks about Howard doing her and she can feel him inside of her. She said it doesn't happen every night but once in a while. She also has fantasies about Fred doing her as well.
Alice said that she does like the way women look and may never do anything with them. Howard said that she's probably messed up from her husband treating her like shit. Alice said the worst thing she ever did was slap the shit out of her sister.
King of All Blacks called in to talk to Alice but she went off on him before he got two words out. She wouldn't let him speak so Howard tried to get her to stop. She wouldn't stop talking though. The two of them were just talking over each other and not letting Howard get a word in. It was an impossible task to get them to stop talking. As soon as one would say something, the other would talk over everyone else. Howard said he had to hang up on King because he wanted to hear someone speak.
Alice said she had no desire to hear King talk to her. Howard thought that he was going to compliment her but Alice didn't want to hear anything from him. Howard said that she's so angry. Alice said that's right and she's very angry. Howard told her that she's never going to have a moment's peace in her life if she keeps this up. He asked her if her father treated her like crap. She said that she was a victim of child abuse and she'd like to shove a pipe down his throat.
Howard asked Alice when she last got a hug. She couldn't remember the last time but Howard and Robin said it may have been the last time she was on the show. Alice said that's probably when it was and she remembered how good it felt to get a hug from them. Alice went off on her father and on her mother a little bit. She said that Artie reminds her of her mother because he's an ''alcoholic whore.'' She went off on Artie a little more and said that she didn't have a good childhood.
Howard had King of All Blacks on the phone again but Alice didn't want to hear from him no matter what he wanted to say to her. She wouldn't let him get in a word even though he was calling in to apologize to her. King was trying to talk to Howard but Alice kept talking over him. Howard wanted everyone to pray but Alice begged him not to do that because she doesn't believe in that. She was praying for the devil to take down King of All Blacks.
Howard asked Alice what she's got in the works today. She's going in to get a checkup and to get her flu shot. She'll also be doing a little shopping today. Alice said that she would like to come up to visit them sometime as well. She sounded like she was about to cry toward the end of the call. Artie gave her a ''Bye nut case!'' as she as about to get off the phone so she went off on him again. She said a nice goodbye to the rest of the guys though. Robin got back to her news after Alice's call.
Howard talked about the way Alice was talking about how she fantasizes about him and he doesn't get that a lot. He's no Brad Pitt who women fantasize about even if he doesn't have money. Howard said he had to tape a hundred dollar bill to his forehead to get a woman.
Howard said he was watching the coverage from the Film Festival and he can't believe what he looks like. He'd like to be good looking enough that he could look good on TV at least. He brought up there's a constant commotion going on around Beth because she's hot. He said that guys are always trying to impress her by talking about money and stuff in front of her.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Howard if he doesn't like him anymore. Howard asked him when he's going to be a man. Jeff told him that he's just bringing him down by talking about him this way. Artie told him that he's acting like a broad. Jeff said he'd talk to him tomorrow and hung up on them again. Howard said that he's tried to get Jeff to wise up and get a job or something. Jeff is in no rush to do that though. Howard said that maybe he should not drink for a day for his birthday. That's not going to happen either.
A few minutes later Jeff called back and asked if he could get some Carson's Ribs that they've been giving away lately. Howard gave him the gift and called that his birthday gift. Jeff sounded happy after that. Howard told him not to call them every minute if they don't get there in a day or so. Jeff said he wouldn't and that the ribs should taste good with beer.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard said he was up late last night watching ''Goodfellas.'' He said he has to watch it when it comes on TV. He noticed that the kid who played Spider in the movie is actually Michael Imperioli. Artie knew that already, Howard wasn't aware of it. Artie as also saying that there are a couple of others from The Sopranos in that movie too. The guys spent a minute talking about that. They talked about how good everyone was in the movie and how great the movie was.
Artie said that at the end of the movie they talk about how Henry Hill had been clean for a while so they really need to update the movie. Robin said that her nephew didn't know about Henry Hill except for what he's heard on Howard's show so she bought him ''Goodfellas'' to fill him in on what kind of person he really is.
Howard said he also watched American Idol last night before watching ''Goodfellas.'' Beth wasn't around so he watched all of that and then had to beat off to Jenna Jameson and Savanna Samson's ''The Devil and Ms. Jones'' movie. He said he always takes out the DVD from the DVD player whenever he watches it. He said he now believes that he's gotten a sign from God because the DVD starts up from where it stopped the last time he took it out. Robin said that's not possible because DVD players always start from the beginning after they're taken out of the player.
Howard said that the movie actually started itself last night when he came back from the bathroom where he was getting tissues to jerk off into. The scene he was watching last night was where a guy was spitting on Savanna's ''vagine'' while she was using a dildo on herself. He said the spitting makes him sick but he was eventually able to get the job done. He had to do that to get to sleep since Beth wasn't around.
Howard said he thinks he has to throw that DVD out because it's gotten completely gross. They apparently ran out of ideas. Artie said that he's still watching porn on VHS tape that's all grainy and stuff. He can even recite the lines from the movies because he's seen them so much.
Howard said that David Blaine is doing one of his stunts where he spends a bunch of days under water and he's already claiming that his skin is peeling off after just one day. He wants to send someone down there to goof around by Blaine's stunt. He was thinking about sending Beetlejuice down there with a baby pool saying that he can do the stunt. He said that Sal wanted to go down there with a hammer to pretend that he's going to break the glass.
Howard said they could send his fans down there with heat lamps threatening to boil him alive. Robin suggested just sending the Wack Pack down there to just stand there and freak him out. Artie said he's seen the people that show up down there and they pretty much already look like the Wack Pack.
Howard said he really doesn't care that David Blaine is in water. He has no desire to watch him holding his breath for 9 minutes. Robin said she likes magicians but she wants them to do something instead of just sitting in a block doing nothing.
Howard said that he's been thinking about this illegal immigrant thing and he's thinking that he doesn't want them here. That led to the guys talking about what the government wants to do and why they think they're doing what they're doing. Scott DePace came in to correct Howard on what he was saying about the amnesty thing for illegal aliens. He said that they want to document who is here and give them a guest pass to stay in the country to work. Scott said he just had some work done on his house and the guys who were working on it were probably illegal aliens, he's not sure about that though.
Robin said that she has a pretty long driveway and she can get it shoveled in the winter for about half the price if she has some illegal aliens doing the work.
Howard said that he saw the new Superman trailer on the internet and it actually looks pretty cool to him. He said there were some annoying parts in the clip but it looks pretty cool. He had a web address that someone sent to him that was over at apple.com, so he gave that out as if it were the longest URL he's ever seen.
Howard said that Joel does one good thing and now he's a good guy all of a sudden. Artie said that he can't wait to see what happens with David Lee Roth. He said that CBS had better pay him off after the way they treated him. Howard continued to go off on Joel and goofed on him as he was reading this article about him. He said that it was just mean and vindictive to do what he did to him and for what he did to David Lee Roth.
Artie said that he's been listening to WFAN for years and he knows that Joel guilts people into doing the SIDS thing over there. They have a SIDS day over there and Artie said it was always the worst day for radio. Howard ended up goofing on Les Moonves and Joel about their fake looking teeth.
Howard said that Imus has been sucked into Joel's SIDS thing and that was mentioned in the article he was reading. He said that it's ridiculous that Imus and Joel are asking the audience for money. They both make plenty of money that they could support the charity themselves. He said that if Joel just took the money they're using to sue him and donated it to charity, they could hire one person for every baby to keep an eye on them so they don't die of SIDS.
Howard read more about Imus and his wife doing charity work. He goofed on them and on Joel saying that Joel is a hypocrite because he doesn't do nice things all year long. He's seen the ''business Joel'' and doesn't buy that he's a good person.
Howard said he knew a lot of radio guys who became complacent and stayed at the same station for years before moving on. There were older guys who were trying to get a union going back when he was at WRNW which wasn't a place where they were doing any good. That was a place to learn, not have a life long career.
Howard wanted to hear this guy talk up a song so he asked him to do that for him. The guy did some classic rock stuff so Howard had Fred play something for them. Fred played John Mellencamp's ''Pink Houses'' and the guy talked it up. He didn't get it down quite right but Howard knows it's tough on the phone. Howard talked it next and got it just right by dragging out the call letters for the station. The caller said that he loves listening to SIRIUS and kept talking so Howard had to hang up on him.
The guys also created Riley taking a dump using the ''Uh'' clips from his radio show that aired on Monday night. Howard played some of the audio from Riley's radio show that he played yesterday and got back into his impression for a short time. The guys were all goofing on Riley's ''Uhhh'' sounds. Howard had his megaphone going and doing a lot of Riley's ''Uhh'' sounds.
Howard said he had to go to break but he gave us a preview of some stuff they had coming up today and tomorrow. He said that they have porn star Gina Lynn coming in tomorrow to play a new game called ''Guess What's In My Ass.'' He also asked Gary to go out and get some copies of the latest Time magazine since he's on the Top 100 Most Influential people list.
Howard played a little more of Riley's radio show from Monday night and goofed on that a little more. He said that he's glad that the fans are actually taking him serious and calling into his show with real questions. Howard played the clip where Riley was giving a rundown of the many types of aliens that he knows of. He described a bunch of different types as if everyone should know about them. Artie came up with his own type called ''The Bullshitians.'' They went to break a short time later.
Terry said that he was sick and came across a way to cure his Hepatitis C so he was trying to help Pam out with that. He claims that he can get hot chicks who are just about as good looking as Pam is. Robin asked him what his cure is for Hep C. He said that you can't cure anything without removing your gall bladder. Howard tried to find out more about that but he said that's not how he cured himself.
Howard thought that Terry had been arrested for stalking a celebrity but Terry said that's not true. Terry said that he's actually still sick and he's been passed from doctor to doctor and he has no money now so he's given up. Contacting Pam was one of his last moves and that didn't work.
Terry said that he's a little wild but he's not crazy. Howard said that was about it for his story and asked Robin if she had any other questions for him. Robin didn't have anything. The guy was saying that he hasn't worked in about 6 or 7 years.
Gary came in and said that Terry was talking about how he sent the weed to Pam and it apparently went through the mail in a Twister box. Terry thinks that they talked about that on the Pam Anderson Roast that aired months ago but Howard said if they went back and listened, there was probably no mention in there.
Howard gave Terry a gift of some Carson's Ribs that he had to give away. Terry asked Howard to give Pam some flowers for him the next time he sees her. Howard told him to hang in there and he'd get him those ribs he was hooking him up with. Artie though it was funny when the guy asked Howard to get Pam flowers. Howard said that letter writing is dying because of the internet but Terry hasn't given up on it yet.
Howard went on to talk about why David's article wasn't that good. He said that Spade doesn't have the ability to gush over someone. Time picked some big celebrities to gush over the other people that were on this Top 100 people list in Time. They had Tom Cruise writing about JJ Abrams and Condoleeza Rice writing about Oprah Winfrey. Those people have the ability to gush over the people they were writing about. Spade isn't like that.
Howard said that Spade is too cool for the room and doesn't gush like that. Fred pointed out some of the other gushing that was going on in the other columns in the magazine. The other writers were making the other celebrities seem like they were gods in their field. Artie said that this is just like something that would happen on ''Curb Your Enthusiasm.'' He said that Howard is on the top 100 people list but he's not happy about the write up he got.
Howard said that he appreciates that David wrote the article, he just wishes that he had taken the time to gush over him like the other writers did. Artie said that maybe Sam Simon should have written Howard's article. Howard said he would have preferred Nelson Mandella.
Robin was reading some of the other articles in the magazine and the other people really went crazy when writing about their people. Bob Newhart wrote about Ellen Degeneres but spent most of his article talking about himself. Robin said that maybe comedians don't have the ability to talk about other celebrities. Howard said he could write about other people like Richard Pryor, Paul Winchell or even Don Rickles. He could also gush over Foo Fighters and other bands. Spade is too sarcastic to write something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard is being slightly hypocritical because if he was asked to write an article about Richard Pryor, it would be all about Howard. Howard said he would try to avoid doing that, he knows better than to write about himself for something like that.
Lisa asked Howard if he feels like he's actually one of the top 100 most influential people. Howard said he does. Lisa said they'll be talking about that list on the news today. They'll also be talking to Crazy Alice about Artie and Robin. David Blaine's stunt will also be a story. They're also going to be talking about Martha Stewart's daughter's radio show that was too racy for Martha's channel so they have to find a new home. Artie said he heard that they've already moved the show to 5pm instead of it being on in the mornings.
Howard said that this article he read from the Hartford Current is kind of bothering him. It came out on Saturday, April 22nd and it says that this woman Mary Jones is claiming that he hit on her when he was working at WCCC many years ago. He read the article which says that she had an encounter with Billy Joel back in 1975. Howard skipped over the Billy Joel stuff because that went on a bit long. He then found the part where she brought up his name. She claims that Howard called her and started asking her out.
Howard said that he would swear on a stack of bibles that he doesn't even know this woman. He would never ask someone out back then because he was with his wife. She also claims that Howard's wife came up to her and asked her if Howard ever called her again. Howard said that he would remember something like this and it's a very slanderous, libelous lie and the Hartford Current just prints it as if it was a true story.
Howard told Gary to get this Mary Jones on the phone so he can confront her on the air. He said it's a really crappy thing to do. He was very faithful to his wife the whole time he was with her and this makes it seem like he wasn't. He said that it's really freaking him out and he wants to hear her proof.
Fred said that her story about Billy Joel was bullshit too because she was claiming that his song ''Piano Man'' had just come out in 1975 but it was actually out a couple of years before that. Howard saw a picture of this woman and said that she's really ugly and he never would have approached someone like that. Gary said he was working on getting her on the phone but the radio station she works at may not open until 9am. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard was doing his Riley Martin impression again and having some fun with that. He said that his show aired on Monday night and last night was Victoria Zdrok's show. Artie said that Riley's show should be called ''Endless Bullshit with Riley Martin.'' They had some more audio clips of Riley saying ''Uhh'' and other things that they went through quickly.
Howard said that her name is Amy Miller and then asked her when she got into stripping. She said she was 20 years old and stripping was actually fun for her. She said that after being a stripper for a while, she got her own club and saw a lot of girls get into the business. She would like to train them how to save their money and get them to go to school and stuff. She wants Howard to donate to her organization but Howard told her that's not going to happen.
Amy said that she's trying to help women out by training them for the future so they have something to go to after their stripping careers are over. Howard wondered why she's not doing this for homeless people instead of strippers. Howard said that pro basketball players do the same thing, they get paid a lot of money and blow it so maybe she should be doing this for them.
Gary came in and said that people who work at Wal-Mart may have the same problems and maybe this money should go to them. Amy said she's just targeting the stripper industry, it could go to these other people too. Amy said that she just started this organization and she hasn't gotten any donations yet. Howard told her that she may have a hard time making this happen.
Howard and Robin told her that these woman are actually making money while there are people out there who can't even get a job. Gary heard Amy talking about how stripping is a dead end job and when Ronnie heard that he was asking what the fuck she's talking about. Howard said that he's not so sure that it's a dead end job, there are women out there putting themselves through school with stripper money.
Robin said that when Fred took his tumble at Scores, it was a stripper who was a trained EMT who helped him out. Howard said he'd like to go to McDonalds and encourage the girls working there that they should be stripping. Howard told Amy that she should still be stripping because she looks really good. She said that her husband is a dentist and she's a dental assistant.
Gary said that he's reading the notes on Amy and she may have a dentist but he works out of a truck stop. She said that he does fine at the truck stop because there are many truckers out there who don't have the time to go to a dentist because they're always on the road.
Howard started to read Amy's plug but he started to laugh as he was doing it. He aksed Amy where to go and help her out. She said that you can donate through Paypal and her web site is under construction right now so that should be ready soon. The site will be IowaWHW.com. She said she's going to need money for office supplies, a car and other things. She said she'll need the car to drive the strippers around. She needs a computer, printer, office supplies, a car...
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and asked her what she's talking about. He said it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard of in his life. He said it's going to be tough to get this organization going. Howard took some calls and let some people who said the same thing. One guy told her to get on the Sybian and shut up.
Howard told Amy that she looks like a movie star and that's how she got her man. Richard Christy came in and said he'd like to make love to her boobs. Howard asked Amy about her days stripping and found out she has worked out in Iowa and places like that. On her best night she made about $1,500. Howard asked her if she's done any crazy stuff in her career but it sounded like it was pretty average.
Sal came in but Richard said he had to tell Amy that he had a $20 donation for her but it was wrapped around something that he wanted to show her. Howard didn't want him whipping it out so Sal volunteered to reach in and get it for her. Sal also asked Amy to get on the Sybian and he'd give her $160. She turned him down so he told her to go f-herself. Richard whipped out his penis and Sal pulled off the $20 that he had attached to it. That was Amy's first donation.
Howard said it appeared as if Amy was about to cry. He told her she had nothing to be upset about because she's so hot looking. He said that's the most important thing. Robin said that she could probably take this to some religious groups and they'd get behind her. Howard aksed if there was any way they could see her cans. Not without a substantial donation to her charity. Gary said they had about $160 from their crew and an additional $35 from the whole In Demand crew. She didn't want to do it so Howard ended the interview and went to break.
Howard asked Adi if he put Tyra Banks on the list as a joke. Adi said it wasn't a joke at all. Steven Colbert was also on the list and he hasn't influenced anyone. Neither has Tyra Banks. Howard went through some of the other names on the list. Howard asked why Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul aren't on the list, they're pretty influential.
Howard asked if it's possible for them to put him on the list again next year and have Jimmy Kimmel write the article instead of David Spade. Adi said that's possible. Howard thanked Adi for giving him this honor and then asked who came up with Spade as the writer. Adi said they asked a couple of people to write it for them and they were turned down. Robin Williams was asked to do it but he turned them down. Howard told him that's because Robin hates him.
Howard told Adi that he wants to be on the list next year and wants Jimmy to write the article. Adi said he'd noted that. Howard also asked why Tyra was on the list. Adi said that the line between influential and hot kind of blurs at some point and that may be why she's on the list. They spent a couple more minutes talking about that.
Howard found out that Adi has been with Time magazine for about 10 years now and he's 47 years old. Howard thought he sounded much younger than that. Adi said that radio must be good for him then. Howard spent a couple of minutes learning about Adi's career and schooling. Howard even had him speaking a little Chinese after he found out that he knew the language. He said it's always cool when someone knows another language like that, especially Chinese.
Adi asked Howard about an article about SIRIUS reporting a wider loss because of the compensation that they had to pay Howard Stern. Howard said that they did report a loss but they have millions of new listeners and they will start making money because that compensation was just a one time thing. Howard thinks that he's already paid for himself by bringing in as many subscribers he has. Adi said that maybe Howard will be on the 100 list again next year if SIRIUS does as well as Howard thinks it will.
Howard told Adi that he should be on the list next year because he really is more influential than a lot of people on that list. Adi suggested that they give him two spots on the top 100 list. Howard thanked him for calling in and told him they're going to go egg the Newsweek building for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that their list is ridiculous and it doesn't really make any sense. If it was the funniest people list, it would have made more sense. Howard thanked him and took another call. The caller told Howard that he owes his whole career to Howard and he's trying to get on the air but right now he's just a board operator. The guy asked Howard to create a way to pick and choose the shows you want to hear on SIRIUS. Howard said they don't have the technology to do that. Howard said that maybe they should get in a rocket ship and do a show from the moon too.
Howard had a new song parody that he hadn't heard before. It was Crazy Alice mixed in with the ''So You Had A Bad Day'' song. They took clips of her yelling at Artie and Robin and put them in the song. He had another clip where Richard Christy was professing his love for everyone while they were on the air the other night from the Film Festival After Party.
Gary told Howard he should check out the Denise Richard's clips too. She talks about her relationship with Richie Sambora and her former friend Heather Locklear. He played some of the clips and said that Denise stole away Heather's husband and she's making it seem like Heather is making a big deal out of nothing. Howard said he thinks that Denise might be even wackier than Charlie Sheen is. Howard wants to get a hold of Richie Sambora or at least David Spade. That's probably why Spade isn't calling in because he's gotten close to Heather lately.
Howard had some audio of Teri Hatcher talking to Oprah Winfrey about her childhood molestation. He said that she's on the ''I was molested tour'' and she picked the right person to interview her with Oprah. He played one of the clips where Teri talks about being molested and how she remembers very clearly what the guy's penis looked like. Teri also talked about how she held back on sex with her husband while she was suffering through some of this stuff. She said that now that she's divorced, she's worked on all of that and she wants to have sex again.
Shuli said that Mel told some anecdotes about how people have mistaken him for Moonves at other times as well so it wasn't that unusual. Howard also heard that Sal the Stockbroker is showing up at Robin's party alone that day. Sal said he's got a comedy gig in Philly that night so he'll be stopping by.
Gary said that Gary was asking her if he could show up at 4:30 in the afternoon but the party is supposed to go from noon to 4. Sal said he's not even sure if he can make it to the party. He has to be out in PA on Friday night and then again on Saturday night so he doesn't want to drive all the way home.
Gary said that Robin's house is at least 2 hours from his place. He said that there could be a lot of traffic down there because it's down at the shore in Jersey. Howard said he's going to try and get there at 12:30 or so. Robin told him to leave at 10:30 if that's when he wants to get there because he drives so slow.
If Sal goes to the party, he's going to be staring at Howard the whole time and reporting back to Gary. Sal said that he's the only one who compliments Howard and maybe other people should start doing that. Gary pointed out that Sal never compliments anyone else on the show. Sal said that no one else needs to be complimented.
Someone wrote in and said that Artie is sounding smart these days and it's kind of strange. Someone else said that the show was great for the first six weeks but now the show sucks again. Another guy said that the Norelco girl on yesterday's show deserves to be Sainted for what she did with Beetlejuice.
Howard read an e-mail from a fan who said that Bubba has ripped off the show Jackass by doing the shocking of the balls. The writer said that it was a direct rip off of the show. Robin said that Bubba has a gas chamber coming into the studio soon and they'll be gassing people. Howard said he wants nothing to do with that show if they're going to do that kind of stuff to people.
Jon Hein was also in to give a preview of the Wrap Up Show. He said that they'll be talking about Amy Miller's charity and about the Time 100 list that Howard talked about today. They'll also be talking about Riley Martin and how everyone is talking about him lately.
Steve The Intern said they have Gianna the intern coming on their show tonight. They have some other interns visiting the show and talking about their experiences working with the people at SIRIUS. Howard wrapped up with them and gave plugs for all of those shows and some of the other shows they have on Howard 100 and 101 these days.
Howard said that Gary should tell Spade to get on the phone right now. He was also saying that if he were Richie Sambora, he'd want to go for some chicks who are younger and don't have any baggage like Denise Richards does. Howard feels bad for Heather and David. He said that Spade is following Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora who probably have the two biggest dicks in show business. He said that Spade probably has to bang her with his shoe. He's heard that Richie's penis makes Tommy Lee look like a woman. Howard said he wouldn't want to follow someone with a huge dick like that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Ralph called in, doing his Eric the Midget impression, and said that he thinks that Taylor Hicks will be the next to go. That led to Howard playing a clip where they gave some odds on who would be going next. Ralph's phone was making all kinds of noise so Howard was just listening to it as it scratched and popped. Gary thinks that he just made it sound bad so they could hook him up with an ISDN line. Ralph said he had a story to tell about the Film Festival so he'd have to call back.
Robin started to do a story about why men are so paranoid about marriage and that got Howard talking about how he and Beth are doing. He said that at this point he can almost see them getting married. He doesn't want to go through that whole wedding ceremony thing because it's so embarrassing. He said that if Beth told him that it was going to kill her not to be married, he might do it.
Ralph was back on the line. Howard spent a short time talking about the whole marriage thing and how he can see certain guys who might want to get married. Some guys know that they can't get laid and when they find that one woman who will bang them, they go for the marriage thing. He said that his marriage wasn't all that bad but shit happens.
The guys were talking about how women seem to change when they get married. Ralph was in on the conversation but no one knew why because he's never been in a relationship like most people have. Ralph said he's seen what happens to women when they get married, he doesn't have to be in a relationship to see what happens.
Howard said that if he and Beth had been married for five years already, she would probably have done the Dancing with the Stars thing no questions asked. She's still on her toes now because they're not married. Gary said that the kid thing is another issue that doesn't come up when you're not married. That always comes up after marriage. Howard said that the kid thing is a deal breaker for him. He has no desire to be a father again. He's already been there.
Howard is pretty sure that Beth wouldn't want a big wedding. He thinks she'd do something like Fred did where he held his wedding on a beach and didn't even invite him. Fred said that his mother, father and a few other people came to the wedding so it was very small.
Ralph wanted to tell this story he mentioned earlier. He said he went over to Sam Simon's hotel room and raided his booze. He went down to his limo and when the guy let him out of the car he said ''Thank you Mr. Stern.'' Howard said he hates to hear that kind of stuff because now the guy thinks that Howard Stern was carrying around booze and tripping over himself. Howard told Ralph to get in touch with that guy and correct him.
Robin did one story about David Blaine's latest trick which isn't much of a trick at all. Ralph called in and said that he walked by the ''trick'' yesterday and held up a sign that said 'This isn't a trick douche bag.' He said that other people should do the same thing.
Robin got back to her news and wrapped that up by about 10:40am. Howard ended the show a short time later.
Howard said that his balls were stuck to the side of his legs this morning. He doesn't remember that happening to him when he was younger so it must be an older guy thing. He talked about how he shaves down his balls once in a while and yesterday he was doing that because the hair down there was getting to be longer than his penis. He clipped the hair and tried to clean things up. He knows he's doing it wrong because he looks like a plucked chicken down there.
Howard said he noticed something strange where he has hair growing out of his shaft and that's crazy to him. He's thinking that Beth has to kiss his penis once in a while and she has to see that stuff down there. He wants to tweeze them out of there but he was afraid it would hurt. He decided to use a nasal hair clipper on them to see if that would do the job. He figured it would just zap them off.
Howard said he figured it would be easier if he was aroused while trying to get the hair off. He tried to get it up but it wasn't happening so he just clipped the hair while he was flaccid. He was going along okay but then he hit a hair that got yanked out. It hurt so he stopped right there. That's when he realized that he can't use a nasal hair clipper on his penis. Howard said it's just not right that he has hair growing there.
Howard said he has to call into Riley's next show as Riley Martin. He continued to goof on the guy for a short time and did many of his common phrases. He also played some audio from Riley's show where he spoke about the size of the alien planet and how they control their population. That got Howard talking about the name of the planet Riley was talking about. Riley pronounces it ''Be-AH-vay.''
Howard said that Riley and Crazy Alice have become the break out stars on satellite. He said the boys in the back were doing more Crazy Alice stuff so he wanted to play that. The first clip was Alice calling a cable access show and saying ''Fuck you!'' He had another one where the guys took clips of Alice and called a hair salon. The woman yelled right back at the clips that the guys played. They called her back multiple times after she hung up on them.
Sal called a cable show and pretended he had his mother with him. He then played clips of Crazy Alice talking about ''cocksucking nig***s'' so the hosts had to hang up on them. Howard said that show is pretty funny because they screen their calls on the air. Richard Christy has been calling in so much that they recognize them over at that show. He played one clip where they put him on the air and hung up on him as soon as they heard his voice.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he shaves down his area with an electric shaver. He has to be really careful and pulls his penis tight when he does it. He was thinking of using some hair removal cream down there but Howard told him not to do that. Richard also talked about the day he was waxed on the show and how much pain he was in when he had the shaft waxed.
Howard brought up Zacarias Moussaoui and how pissed off he was when he heard he was getting life in prison. He thinks that's the kind of guy who should be killed. Howard said the guy is going to be in a prison where he won't have contact with anyone else. He was thinking it would be cooler if other inmates could beat the crap out of him. Robin said she heard that being isolated will eventually just eat away at a man and rot him away. She doesn't think he'll last two weeks like that.
Howard said that Cabbie has gone nuts just being in prison for a year. The guys said they can't wait to hear what he has to say when he gets out of prison.
Howard said that they have porn star Gina Lynn coming in today to play a new game called Guess What's In My Ass. He said that he met Gina at his birthday party. She's going to be laying on the floor of the studio and guys will drop stuff in her ass cheeks while she tries to figure out what they are.
Howard said that they're going to try and go over to David Blaine's stunt today. He said that Kelly Ripa was over there yesterday actually in the tank with Blaine.
Janet Jackson has lost a lot of weight according to pictures Howard has seen. He said he's got to lose some weight himself. He's trying to knock off 11 pounds. Artie said that he used to be an athlete when he was younger, now he's more out of shape than he's ever been. He had a sandwich with him this morning that his mother made for him. He thought it was a little healthier to eat than the other crap he's been eating. Howard said that it's got mozzarella cheese on it though so it's not that good for him. There was a lot of bread and stuff too.
Howard told Artie that he should just eat the chicken and he'd be better off. Artie said he was out playing basketball yesterday but he was just taking outside shots and not playing defense. He said some black kid was yelling at him for not moving. Howard told him that he was busy tweezing his penis while he was playing basketball.
Howard talked about how busy he is these days and how hard it is to get stuff done every day. It doesn't help that they spend so much time on the air.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she has some random hair that pops up on her breast. She said that she tweezes that hair out and it hurts like hell. That got Howard talking about his shaft hair again. He wondered why hair would grow in the middle of his shaft if he used to have a foreskin. He didn't understand that the hair would still be there even if he had a foreskin. Fred told him that it wouldn't have changed the hair thing down there.
The caller told Howard that Beth probably gets hair on her nips too but Howard said he's never seen anything there. She was also saying that she wants to play Stump the Booey but she doesn't want to have to ride the Sybian if she loses. That's the new rule for the game and she's afraid she's going to get fired if she does it. Howard told her to just wear a bee keeper's mask if she wants to hide her identity. She said she'd think about doing that.
Howard got a picture of the woman since she had sent in some pictures for them. He said she'd probably look good with a bee keeper's mask on so he's going to let her come in and play Stump the Booey.
Howard talked about Idol for a couple of minutes and let Robin know that Paris was kicked of the show. Howard said he watched the movie ''The Crow'' after Idol. He said that's a great movie. Robin likes it as well. Howard mentioned that they forgot to ask JJ Abrams about directing the next Star Trek movie. That led to him talking about ''Mission Impossible III'' which is getting some good reviews. Howard figures that if JJ wrote the movie, it's probably good.
Howard said he ended up going on SternFanNetwork.com yesterday and got caught up in all of that. He said there was one thread about ''Who's smarter, Howard or David Letterman'' so he had to go in and read that. The fans were saying that he was probably smarter because he's done a wider variety of things than Letterman has.
Another thread said that Howard was mad at David Spade for the article he wrote for Time magazine. Howard said that he's not mad, he's just never happy with anything so he was making fun of Spade. He got mad at the fans over there because of that thread.
Howard said there was another thread that said it was a direct line to Howard so he avoided that one because he doesn't want someone saying that it's an official thread for him. He said he wasted hours reading crap on there and that was that.
Howard spoke to Tom Chiusano yesterday. Tom asked him to do a favor for him but it wasn't business related. They don't talk business when they call each other. He was also saying that Gary was driving in and since his satellite radio is broken, he was listening to the replay of a JB and Elvis show on their old radio station. Howard wondered who names themselves Elvis and goofed on that for a short time. Gary said that they have Kid Leo working there at SIRIUS. Howard said he didn't know he was there and said he always wanted to meet him. Gary said the guy isn't a kid anymore, he's an older guy.
Artie mentioned that he used to listen to Pat St. John and Carol Miller when they were on WPLJ years ago. Now they work there at SIRIUS. Gary said he remembers when Carol was really hot and would do the WPLJ calendar. She was definitely hot back then. Howard wondered why she never transitioned to MTV because she was so good looking. That led to Howard doing his Allison Steele ''The Night Bird'' impression. He used to work with her over at K-Rock but she was near the end of her career at that point. She got cancer and would come into work sick all the time.
Gary said that Allison used to have a killer body but when she'd turn and show her face it was a bit of a shock to him. Artie said he used to listen to her while waiting for Howard's show to come on. Fred played some Blue Iris audio clips and Artie said that's just what Allison was sounding like back then. Howard did more of his impression and made her sound like she was the original Riley Martin talking all of that crazy talk.
Artie brought up Flo and Eddie which got Howard and Gary talking about them. Gary said that he actually followed one of those guys with a chick. He said that he dated her after Flo and then she went back to him after they broke up. Howard said that Flo was living out of a van at one point.
Howard said that he followed Ralph one time with a chick that Ralph had dated about a year before. He said she was hot though. He shot his load in 2 seconds flat because she was so hot. He said that he tried to do her again to show he was good in bed but he finished after one stroke. He had to apologize to her because he went so fast. He later found out that Ralph lasted pretty long with her so he was kind of bummed out about that.
Artie and Gary said that they've told women that they're not going to last very long. The guys were also talking about how strange it is after a guy finishes and lose interest in the woman they were just so horny for. Howard said it's the same thing when guys jerk off because they get so disgusted with themselves right after jerking off. Howard went to commercial break a short time later.
Mary said that she was asked to do his show back in the 70s sometime and shortly after the interview started, it appeared that Howard didn't want to talk about this infoline thing that she was there to promote. She also said that Howard called her off the air back then and asked her on a date. She doesn't remember the exact words he said to her though. She denied him because he was married at the time.
Howard said that Mary also claims that his wife at the time, Alison, found out about the calls and confronted her about them. Mary said that Alison came up to her at an event she was at and told her that she had better not talk to Howard again ''or else...''
Howard said that what she was basically saying that he hit on her and his wife confronted her. He then went on to tell Mary that this is a total fabrication and a lie. He would never have hit on a woman while he was married to Alison. He swore on the life of his children that he never called her and he would bet her half a million dollars that they could call his ex-wife and she would deny that she ever confronted this woman.
Howard asked Mary if she's ever been institutionalized. She said that she hasn't. There was also another story she told about Billy Joel hitting on her and Fred was saying that her time line was all screwed up on that story as well. Fred thinks that she's making up all of these stories to get some notice.
Howard told Mary that he has never called a woman out and asked her on a date while working in Hartford. He told her that she's lying through her teeth. He said that maybe someone claiming to be Howard Stern called her but he didn't do it. His ex-wife would have come up to him back then if something like this was going on. Howard said that even if it was a Howard Stern impersonator who asked her out, there's no way his wife went up to her and confronted her.
Howard said that he's not even sure that his wife was ever at this fair she's claiming she was at. He said his wife would have confronted him if something like this was going on. Howard said he doesn't remember a Mary Jones and he was letting her know that he's not a liar or a cheat and he wishes that she would stop spreading her bullshit story.
Howard said that Alison would have said something to him if this woman had claimed he was asking her out. Howard said that it's a complete fabrication. He's outraged by her story and he would never deny it if it was true. Fred told her that Howard has nothing to lose right now and he would admit it if it was true. Mary asked why she would be saying this if it wasn't true. Howard said it appears that she thinks that it's true and she may be mentally ill.
Howard said that he's going to talk to his ex-wife about this the next time he sees her. Fred asked her how this all came out. She said that it was a light hearted conversation she was having. Howard and Fred confronted her on that because the article said that she brought the story up and wasn't asked about it. Mary said she didn't really remember how that interview went either.
Howard said he thinks he may have to bring his ex-wife back on the air after all of these years just to confront this woman. He said that this may not be a big deal for Mary but it's a big deal for him. It makes him look like a liar all of these years. Mary said that Howard doesn't know her and she doesn't know him... Howard said that's right, she doesn't know him. Mary said that she doesn't make up stories but Howard stopped her and said that she absolutely does make up stories. He said that she's a bullshit artist.
Howard asked Mary what kind of radio show she does. She said she does a lifestyle show and has a question each week that she has the fans answering. She was describing her show and Howard said it sounds repulsive. He was saying that she's a liar to him. Howard said he knows that his ex-wife would have come up to him back then if this was going on. He didn't know what to say. He thinks that Mary actually believes her own story now.
Howard said that she said that she thinks that he called her those two times but he does not remember even having her on his radio show. Howard said he never cheated on his wife and he never propositioned anyone. Mary said that she wouldn't be surprised if Alison never confronted him about it. Howard told Mary that she needs to get some help.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people give them their thoughts on what was going on. Some people think that Howard should take this woman to court over this. Fred asked if she has any schizophrenic people in her family. There was no answer and it appeared as if she was no longer on the phone. Robin said that she doesn't remember anything from those days and she finds that kind of odd.
Howard didn't think that Mary hung up on him so he had Gary try to call her back. Gary came in a few minutes later and said that he thinks she's done. Will tried to get her on the phone but she said she didn't have time for them anymore. Gary thought it was kind of odd that the Hartford Courant would print the story without doing some research.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that this woman appears to want him in her life so much that she's created this whole scenario to make it seem like she's been part of his life. The guys spent a few minutes talking about her story. Howard said it's an outrageous, outrageous lie. Howard thanked Jessica for calling in and then took another call from a guy who said he believes her story because Bubba the Love Sponge has been calling him for the past 6 months.
Fred said he remembers the days when women would try to slip their number to Howard and he would turn them down. He would never take stuff like that. Howard talked about one party he and Fred went to. There were a couple of really hot chicks there who ended up driving them home from the party. They asked to come up and have a night cap with them but Howard turned them down.
Robin said that she saw Howard almost knock out a porn star who went for his package one time. She said that he pushed her away so hard it looked like he was punching her. There was another group of women who wouldn't leave him alone so they had to have security around just to keep them away. Howard said those chicks were all hot and he doesn't know what he was thinking not just banging them.
Howard said he was really pissed that the woman had hung up on him. He said that the part of the story that's going to ruin her is the part about his ex-wife. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard spent a few minutes goofing on Artie about his mother taking care of him. Lisa said that they'll be talking to one guy who is moving to New York and his mother is coming out to help him out. Artie said he never had to have his mother over to help him out. Lisa thinks that Artie's mother is stopping him from moving on and marrying Dana.
Lisa said that they'll be talking to an expert about getting rid of Scott the Engineer's black cloud. They'll also be looking at the G4 network to find out what that's all about. They'll also have a new Mr. Skin Minute. She also got in a plug for tonight's Superfan Roundtable.
Richard came in and Howard told him about the hand job thing. Richard said that he tried that one time and it turned into a disaster. He didn't seem interested in the hand job thing so Howard said that maybe they can have Sal give it to him instead. Richard said that she's really hot but he can't get aroused for a hand job.
Howard had Gina stand up to show Richard what he was missing out on. Richard said he really doesn't think it would work for him. He suggested that she give him a nude massage instead. She was up for that so Howard said that he'd give Gina 10 plugs for her web site if she wins.
Howard explained how they were going to drop things on their asses and they had to try and figure out what they were. Howard was going through that story and found out that Gina is married and her husband is out in the green room. Gary came in and said that he heard Gina say that she'd give Richard a hand job and the green room door swung open as Richard was walking by. Gina said that her husband is in the business so he bangs other chicks all the time.
Gina was also telling the guys that she and her husband will mess around with other couples. She was also saying that she's not that young now, she's 32. Howard said he'd still do her even though she's not that young. Howard asked her about bringing home the couples. Gina said that they have done it and things haven't worked out very well. She said that the first time they did it, things didn't work out. Her husband was such a stud that he ruined the other woman. She said that she did the woman's husband too though. She said that she will get it on with the woman as well.
Howard wanted to move on to the game so he explained what they were going to be doing. He also found out that Gina is 5'2'' tall, weighs 106 pounds and has 34 D breasts. Gina and Howard talked about the birthday party and how fun that was. They had Gina and Richard lay down on the floor on their stomachs so they could prepare to play the game.
Howard had Gina and Richard blindfolded so they couldn't see what they were having dropped on their asses. No hands were allowed but they were able to move their ass cheeks with their hands to try and feel what was there. Gina went first and said that the item felt cold and skinny. She asked for it to be pushed in a little more. She still couldn't tell what it was so they dropped it on Richard next. Richard was squeezing it and moving it around. Artie asked ''What the fuck is going on?'' Richard then identified the item which was a toothbrush.
Howard moved on to the next object. The guys put it on her ass and then she tried to figure out what it was. She said it was cold but wasn't able to figure it out. Richard went next and ended up breaking it in half. He knew it was some kind of food product. It was a Devil Dog but neither of them got it. Artie said that a Devil Dog on Gina's ass was the sexiest thing he's ever seen.
Howard moved on to the next object. Gina still wasn't getting it. Richard tried next and wasn't having much luck either. He guessed that it was a marker but he was wrong. It turned out to be a six inch wrench. That meant that Gina had lost so she had to give Richard a nude massage. Howard was going to give her a plug anyway though.
Gina was telling Howard how she loves to choke on dick so much that she can't breathe. She then started to give Richard his massage. She noticed that he still had Devil Dog in his ass. She also said that he's very freckly. Gina said that she really loves to suck cock and constantly thinks about it. She likes to play with herself as well and uses her palms to masturbate. She said that she fantasizes about her man cheating on her but she would never want that to happen for real. Richard asked Gina if she squirts at all. She said that she's tried but it's never happened.
The guys had Gina hop on the Sybian to take that for a ride. She was moaning and screaming as soon as Gary started it. She stayed on it for a short time and eventually had an orgasm. She said that the machine was ''fuckin' awesome!'' Gary said that she really rode that machine hard. Richard said her nipples got really hard while she was doing it. Gina said that she was wearing a tampon today because she's always wet and it was actually coming through.
Howard gave Gina some more plugs for her web sites. Gina said that she'll be at the Penthouse Club this week and she will be giving lap dances... but they're a little expensive at $200. Richard suggested that Howard get Gina's husband in there to get his advice on removing hair from his shaft. They brought Travis in a short time later. Howard asked Travis what they would have to do to disrespect her because the stuff they had just done wasn't offensive to him. Travis said that some guys choke her and stuff like that.
Howard asked Travis if he ever has hairs growing out of the middle of his shaft. Travis said he has them but he shaves them off. He said it might help if you chub up a little bit before shaving. Howard found out that Travis has a couple of kids and that means that Gina is their step-mother. Howard figured that the kids must love her as a step-mother. Travis said he once found a bunch of Gina's bras under his son's pillow and his son said that he just loves her big boobies. Howard asked what Gina wears when she tucks in her son at night. She said she does cover up for him but she can't cover up everything.
Travis was saying that Gina has the best ass he's ever seen and Artie said he had to agree. Gina said that her brother is really popular right now because he's in college and has her as a sister. Gina was complaining about how Travis only lasts about 30 seconds when he's with her. Howard wonders how Travis can do porn then. Travis said it's all mental for him and he's able to control that.
Gina said that she's constantly horny and probably cums about 4 times a day. She's always playing with herself. She was also saying that Travis doesn't do her all that much so she just constantly pleasures herself. Howard said that he would bang this chick hard if he had the chance. He had to wrap up after that because they had to do the David Blaine thing.
Blaine told Howard that ABC didn't want to let him do it so he had to prove to them that he could hold his breath for 7 minutes. He figured he'd have to get very comfortable in the tank before doing it so he could be relaxed when he does the 9 minute breath holding thing.
Blaine said that he was wearing black slacks in this big tank he's in. Howard thought that would chafe his nuts if he was in pants like that. David said he likes the look because he once saw Houdini escaping from chains while wearing black slacks.
David is wearing a special ''truckers'' tube that he urinates into when he has to go. He said that the thing stays on the whole time. He said he fasted before the event so he won't have to move his bowels. He said he was able to go 44 days without taking a dump when he did one of his stunts.
David said that things are pretty trippy in the tank because everything looks odd outside the tank. Howard asked him if there are any chicks trying to bang him outside of the tank. People have been pretty good according to David. He said that he's seen a lot of breasts out there. Women come down and just flash him.
Howard asked David about his girlfriend Manot who he was dating a few years back. David said she's actually been down there supporting him. He also talked about the day Kelly Ripa came down to swim with him. He said she's the only one that he'd allow to swim with him though. Howard told David that he thinks that all of these stunts he does will just get him laid even more. He gave him a plug and said he might even drop by his tank one night. David's special will air next Monday night on ABC from 8-10pm.
Gary told Howard that Howard 100 News reporter Michelle Jerson was down at David's tank and she wanted permission to show her boobs to David Blaine. Howard said she has permission. She was on the phone and said that Liz Aiello might get upset with her if she did something like that. Howard told her to go ahead and do it and he'll back her up with Liz. He doesn't want her to do it now that he's thought about it. He's afraid that she'd get fired by Liz and he'd take the blame. Howard said he really likes Michelle for giving it her all but he asked her to keep her shirt on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Beth should do the Dancing with the Stars show. He said that he spoke to her yesterday and she was saying she's pretty sure she's not going to do it. She hasn't given them an answer yet though. He said that she was talking about how she could design her own dress for the show where she could show a lot of skin. She was even saying it wouldn't be that big of a deal if her top came off and one of her breasts was exposed ''accidentally.''
Howard was doing an impression of Jackie the Joke Man and talked about how he ran into him up there at SIRIUS the other day. He went over and gave him a big hug and people were surprised that he did that. Howard said he really doesn't hate Jackie, he would love for him to do the show. Jackie said he would do it but he always has a ''but...'' Jackie apparently wants to get together with him but he's got a lot of stuff going on. Howard said he's always doing other shows there at SIRIUS but he doesn't go out of his way to come on his show. Fred played some of Jackie's jokes from his many CDs. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Benjy was talking about how Tom Cruise was on a show talking about how much he ran during the filming of the latest Mission Impossible. Cruise claims that he ran 17 miles an hour but the guys found that no one runs that fast, not even marathon runners.
Howard said that they tried to get an interview with Tom Cruise. Benjy went out and tried to get near him but it was impossible. Benjy was out yelling to him and he did get a quick ''hello'' from Cruise but that was it. Benjy then screamed out a bunch of questions but got nothing from him. Benjy was asked to relax at one point because he was going a little too nuts. Benjy said he was sprinting after him for like a half mile and he almost passed out because of that. Benjy said they were thinking about getting some SCUBA gear to try and get on his boat but that didn't happen.
Howard had some audio of this black preacher who curses during his sermon. He played that clip where the preacher uses ''bitch,'' ''ass,'' and even ''motherfucker'' in his sermon. Howard wondered how this guy got a job although he might actually go to see this guy if he was in a church near him. The preacher was talking to phone callers but you couldn't even hear the callers.
Howard went through the top five songs even though he had already given away the number one song. He played some of the actual top 5 songs and also threw in some song parodies. The other songs in the top 5 were from people like Natasha Bettenfield, F Crazy Bone, TJ and Shaun Paul.
Howard said that they have a great picture of Gina Lynn up on HowardStern.com. They'll have more later on as well. He said they also have an interesting film up there where Jason gets stared down by Dice as he's taking his picture.
Howard said that they have a burping and farting contest going on and the deadline is tomorrow. Gary told him that he was wrong but then realized that Jason had made a mistake and it was this Friday. You can find out more about the contest at BurpsAndFarts.com. Howard said that GoldenPalace.com is putting up the $5,000 grand prize for that contest.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard to have Gary put gloves on before putting the rubber pieces on the Sybian because it's kind of disturbing to see him doing that. Howard said there's another strange thing that goes on after the girls are done. Sal goes over, picks up the rubber, sniffs it and licks it. Sal has apparently told him that he loves doing it since he hasn't gotten laid by another woman in many years.
Jason came in and said that in one of the videos you see Double A shoving something into the bag from behind the glass. Howard had the In Demand guys play that tape as well. Robin said it looked like a black bag going into another black bag.
Double A told the guys that he didn't bring any woman into the show with him either. He said he met this girl a while ago and he didn't sneak her in. Joey Boots called in and said that he watched Double A sneak a woman in and he's just an arrogant liar. He said that Double A owes Doug Goodstein an apology. Doug came in a short time later and said that he did take 3 bags and he knows it. Doug and Joey both ganged up on Double A but Howard wanted to move on from this and said he was going to give Double A the benefit of the doubt on this one. He ended up hanging up on him as he was explaining what went on with the girl that was trying to get into the party.
There was also a discussion about Michelle Jerson saying that she would take her top off for David Blaine. George Flowers said he doesn't believe that she called and asked if she could do it. He's pretty sure that she didn't do that but the guys all told George that she wasn't kidding, she was willing to do that. Howard went to break after the guys gave their previews.
Howard said that Eric the Midget is willing to come back on the show but he has conditions. He called and left them a message the other day so he played that. Eric called in and told Will that Howard has to agree to a few things. There are a lot of people on Myspace who would like to hear him call in and he hopes that Howard agrees to these things. Eric doesn't want to be part of the Wack Pack, there's nothing wacky about him. He also said that he has to stop making fun of his voice. He also said that the Eric the Midget and Astronaut names have to stop also.
Howard said that means they'd be taking away everything funny from Eric. If they have to stop all of that there's no reason to have him on anymore. Howard went right into his impression of Eric calling in. He said it would be impossible not to make fun of his voice.
Howard read through some more mail and one person said that George Flowers was moonlighting on some show selling inflatable furniture. Howard wasn't aware of that but Artie said he had heard George doing some commercials and stuff and George has told him that he does stuff outside of the news.
Howard read that Leslie Moonves is going to be making a speech at his alma matter Boston College soon. Howard said he has to stop donating to that school. He said that Les has probably never donated a cent to that place and they're having him make a speech.
Howard read an e-mail from a fan who isn't too happy with his support of Rosie O'Donnell these days. The writer says that she would never support Howard and he's just being an ass kisser. Howard said he has no reason to kiss her ass, he's just calling things the way he sees them. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard said his mother used to send him in to spy on his sister when she was alone with her boyfriends. He would report back and tell his mother what they were doing. Artie said he had one of his friends dating his sister when he was young. He said he told his friend it was okay but inside he was seething just thinking about it.
Howard said his sister is getting better and recovering from her double pneumonia. She was in the hospital for a little while getting treatment for that. He said his mother was going nuts when she found out about that. He said she was telling him that Ellen must have been doing something wrong by not getting enough deep sleep or something.
Howard said his mother's mother died when she went into a hospital when she was pretty young so she's kind of freaked out by doctors and hospitals. He said his parents really had tough lives and he has to hear about that stuff all the time.
Howard told a story about his mother telling his father about how it pains her to leave Howard behind when they leave him. Ben told her that she just shouldn't look at him then. He was also saying that his father went nuts when he heard that he wanted to go into radio.
Howard had Robin start her news again but he took a phone call during that and said that he got an offer to go back to terrestrial radio. He said he can't see going back there like Opie and Anthony are doing although he would like to go up against CBS stations and kick their ass.
The caller told Howard that he's been taking some pills as a fruit and vegetable supplement and they have been increasing his load. Howard and the guys asked why he can't just eat fruits and vegetables. The guy didn't know but he said that his loads have gotten much thicker and bigger since he started taking the pills. Robin said that a big load is a turn on to her because it makes her feel like she really made the guy do something special. Howard said that Beth will check his rubber sometimes to see how much he created. He didn't want to hear about the caller's loads so he gave him a prize of some Carson's Ribs and put him on hold.
Gary came in and said he heard that Jamie Foxx was walking around the SIRIUS studios and he wondered if Howard wanted him to come in. Howard said he was done, he's done 5 hours already. He told Gary to have him on the Wrap Up Show instead.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris toward the end of the news. Blue said that she did a porn movie recently and they did a scene where they have a nun in the movie and she doesn't want it in there. She also mentioned that she's going into the hospital to have an operation because she has a tumor on her ovary. Howard told her to call during regular hours next time because he was out of time this morning. It was after 11 already. He had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show quoting dialog from The Larry Sanders Show. He said he's trying to be like Artie because he's one of his heroes. He said another one of his heroes is this guy Terry from ''Survivor.'' This guy has been picking people off on the show for the past few weeks.
Howard said he was watching ''Smallville'' last night too. He said he was going back and forth with ''Survivor'' and ''Smallville'' at the same time last night. He was able to watch both shows and had them both watched within about a half hour.
Artie said that Robin watches a ton of TV and flies under the radar with it. She also goes to plays and movies. Gary said that ''Lost'' was great this week. They talked about what went on with that episode. That led to the guys talking about JJ Abrams and how he sat there the other day and said he wasn't going to be writing Michelle Rodriguez out of the show just because of her drunk driving charge. They killed her off this week though.
Howard talked about JJ Abrams directing the new Star Trek movie and they'll be going back to the days when the Enterprise was first created and Kirk and Spock first met.
Howard said that the web site Bodog.net has suspended the betting on ''Survivor'' because they believe that someone has inside information. Howard said that of course they do because there are employees at CBS who must know the answer. That led to the guys talking about how the fat chick on ''Survivor'' is still fat. It's kind of like Hurley on ''Lost'' who is still fat while everyone else on the island is thin.
Gary said that when the girls on ''Survivor'' return to the Jury, they always seem to have too much makeup on and they actually looked better with no makeup. Howard said that Anna Nicole Smith is in the paper and she's really skinny now and looking beautiful to him. He thinks that she must have had some gastric bypass surgery or something, he's not so sure that she got thin with Trim-Spa like she claims.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up ''Survivor'' again and mentioned one of the guys on the show who ended up getting voted off. Howard talked about how strange the guy was and how he doesn't appear to be a great father from what he could see on TV.
Howard read an article about his move to satellite and what a mess his old station turned into once he left. They brought in David Lee Roth and that didn't work out. Then they filed a lawsuit against him for using their airwaves to his advantage to sell satellite radios... even though they gave him permission to talk about satellite.
Howard said there's a rumor going around about how CBS set up David Lee Roth to fail so they could bring in Opie and Anthony to be heroes. Howard said that Tim Sabean was part of the planning and said that they were all for Roth to make it so that rumor isn't true.
Howard heard that Joel Hollander was on Imus' show the other day and one of the guys from Mike and the Maddog asked Joel what he was thinking when he sued Howard Stern because he's just given him more publicity. He heard it was a pretty uncomfortable interview. That got the guys talking about the SIDS charity thing that they're doing on WFAN for Joel Hollander's charity. Gary said they stop doing all of their sports talk and only talk about the charity for the whole day.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about how Joel had a kid who died from SIDS. He said that's horrible but Joel is the kind of guy who is only a good guy at one time of year, when he's collecting money for his charity. He said that it's the audience that's raising the money, not Imus or Hollander. The guys were also talking about the Don Imus cancer ranch and how he just keeps buying up land with the money he gets for that charity. Howard said he'd have to remove the part of his brain that gives him a conscience to do something like Imus does.
Howard said that Joel was gushing over himself on Imus' show about how happy he is that he's gone out and hired Opie and Anthony. He read an article about the shows that are airing on the old CBS station and how they're getting into some stuff that could get them fined. Howard said that Jack Thompson has already filed some complaints with the FCC about the content that they're airing. Howard told Jack to go after them and he'll even help him get transcripts if he wants.
A phone caller said that he was listening to Imus the other day and he had Opie and Anthony on the show and he was saying that ''together we can beat boner nose.'' Howard said of course they can beat him, he's not on the air anymore. He was on the air for 20 years and Imus couldn't beat him.
Howard said he was offered the chance to go back to terrestrial radio just like Opie and Anthony are doing but he won't do it because he doesn't want to go back there. He said he could go back and beat all of those guy's asses but it would be really tough to go back to regular radio after being on satellite.
Howard pointed out that a lot of these guys went down in the ratings after he left for satellite. Imus' ratings went down, not up, when Howard left terrestrial radio. Howard doesn't get that.
Howard said that he read an article about how by 2010 there will be more people listening to satellite radio than listening to terrestrial radio.
Howard asked for everyone to give Michelle Jerson from Howard 100 News a break. She went down to the David Blaine thing yesterday and asked Howard if she wanted him to show Blaine her breasts. Michelle was on the phone and told Howard that she knew that she couldn't do it because she's a news reporter. She was just joking around and playing along with the show. Howard said it's no big deal and people should leave her along.
Michelle said she's getting a hard time from her other employers now. She does some work for some other companies and they thought she was really going to show her breasts but she said it was just a joke. Howard said he feels bad for Michelle and people should leave her alone, she was just joking.
Howard said that Star Jones has quit ''The View'' so that was great news to him. Robin sounded like she was pretty happy too. He read an article about her but it didn't say that she had actually quit, she's just fielding offers from other places because she's upset that Rosie O'Donnell is coming on.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she used to listen to him on the radio station that had tons of commercials. She could actually nap and dream about Howard during the commercials. She asked Howard to stop being so neurotic about Imus these days. She also said that she's mad at Robin... Howard cut her off and ended up talking to Robin about her big party that's happening tomorrow. Howard thought that it was going to be raining but Robin said the rain should stop by mid-morning and it should be pretty nice for the barbecue.
Gary told Howard that the guys were wondering who was going to bring an inappropriate guest and they didn't think it would be Howard bringing his dog. Howard said a dog is not an inappropriate guest. Gary told him that a dog isn't for everyone though. Howard talked about his friend Ross who has a dog that has never been house trained because they don't walk it enough. They have wee-wee pads for the dog and that confuses it. Howard said his dog has been trained and it would never shit around people. He said his dog knows better than to do that. Howard said if his dog does do that, he'll pick it up.
Howard said his dog is kind of like Artie, it just sits and eats. The dog is really mellow and will just hang out. No one wants to be running around with a hyper dog.
Gary had a list of the guys that could get really drunk at the party and make a fool out of themselves. He also had a ''Most Likely Not To Show.'' Benjy was on the list and Robin said that he had already let her know that he's not showing up. Ralph, Sal and Artie are on the list and there are pretty good odds that they may not show up. Gary said they also have a list of the people they think could be the first to leave. Howard said he'll probably be the first one there and the first to leave.
Robin said that she's about a half hour from Atlantic City so Howard was thinking about going there but he can't bring his dog. Gary said they have a list of people who might be the last to leave so they talked about that. Ralph and Richard Christy have pretty good odds that they'll be the last one to leave. There was also a list of people who might do something really embarrassing that day. Benjy was up there until they found out he's not going to show up.
Howard said he'll be out of the party within 2 hours or so. He said he's respectful and doesn't want to overstay his welcome. Robin said that he should stay and enjoy himself but Howard said he's never enjoyed himself. Robin told him he should go out on her boat and stuff like that. He said he will go out on the boat as long as Robin isn't driving. There will also be some jet-skis there in the water so the guys wondered who's going to break one of them and do something really stupid. Robin said she'll have a guy there watching everyone to make sure they don't do anything too stupid.
Gary asked Howard if he's bringing anything to the party. Howard said he and Beth will be bringing something even thought he bought Robin a car already. Robin said she doesn't want any gifts from anyone. She just wants people to come and have a good time.
Howard said he hopes that he's in a good mood and can enjoy people that day. He said he wakes up on some days and feels that he just hates people. There are other days when he's really social. Robin said she's noticed that and she's hoping that he comes in with the good attitude. Howard said he'll have a couple of drinks and he'll be the life of the party.
Howard said he never got an invite from Robin. She told him that he should bring a suit but Gary said Howard will probably just complain that he has to bring a suite and it's just another pain in the ass thing for him to do. Gary changed the subject and said that they were talking about who might show up wearing something inappropriate. They had Michelle Jerson on the list until this morning when she told them how much trouble she got into. Now they figure that she'll be dressed like a nun.
Howard said that Beth had a horrible day yesterday when she was flying from L.A. To another gig she had to do. She got stuck on an airplane for five and a half hours when they announced it was broken. That has probably screwed her up for Dancing with the Stars because she won't want to fly out to L.A. every week. He said she did call him laughing when she told him the story. He said he'd be furious if something like that happened to him.
Robin said that she was thinking of having some fake gambling down at the party but she decided against that. Howard said that usually turns into a nightmare because no one cares when they're gambling with fake money. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Arnold Schwarzenegger (impersonator) on the phone. Fake Arnold was calling in to talk about the bad day he was having because it's Cinco de Mayo. He complained about the Mexicans and the way they celebrate out there in California.
Arnold told Howard that he's celebrating his 18th wedding anniversary with his wife and he got his wife a Sybian. Howard wanted to talk to Maria himself so he had Arnold get her on the line. Howard was having a problem getting her on the phone but he eventually got her. Arnold told Howard that she's been riding the thing constantly since he got it for her.
Howard asked Maria to ride the Sybian for them. She didn't want to do it because it was only 7 in the morning. She eventually got on the thing and started to ride the thing. Howard had her turn it all the way up and ride it. She was doing that and it sounded like she was water skiing.
Maria kept it going for a short time until she finished. She was begging for him to stop and turn it off. Howard thanked the two of them for calling in and let them go a short time later. Artie pointed out that Maria said that it was 7am out in California. Howard had her come into the studio since it was an intern playing the part of Maria. He told her that she did a good job until that part.
Howard and Fred did their Crackhead Bob impressions a little bit. Howard said it would be nice if Benjy could do an impression, he's been sitting in there for the past 9 years and not doing anything like that.
Will came in and told Howard that he had to see what Sal and Richard were doing. The two of them were doing some gay stuff in the back office. They were in their underwear and messing around with each other. They were watching it live and saw them attacking Gary. Artie said that Sal runs like a chick and also throws like a chick. He asked him to throw something so they could see him throw. He did that and Howard noticed that Sal had a boner from rubbing up against Richard. Howard said Sal has some weird thing where he'll show is balls on camera but not his penis.
Howard got back to Lisa G and had her wrap up her news preview. He then took a phone call from a guy who asked if Howard was going back to terrestrial radio. Howard told him he's had the offer but he has no plans to do that. He can't imagine going back. Artie said that it would be like going from 80 miles per hour down to 20. They'd have to censor themselves again and no one wants to do that. Howard said it wouldn't be fair to his fans to go back after so many people have followed him to SIRIUS. Lisa asked who made the offer. Howard wouldn't say so she figured it was Clear Channel. Howard didn't want to say but Lisa said she'd have to do some digging to figure it out.
Lisa said that Howard's crew has their own softball team that will be going up against the rest of SIRIUS on Monday night in Central Park. Howard said he's not sanctioning this game because he doesn't want his crew to go up against the same company they work for. Will came in and said that it's actually SIRIUS 1 vs. SIRIUS 2, not the Stern Show vs. The rest of SIRIUS. He said they had a team before they all came on so they had to create a new team. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Howard said he was talking about the late Allison Steele yesterday and someone pulled a clip of her doing one of her poems back when she used to do that stuff. Howard said that she would just rattle on and on about nothing. He played the clip and then did his impression of her even though he had no idea what she was talking about. He was making stuff up as he went along and it didn't sound much different than what Allison had been rambling about.
Howard said that Allison had a great delivery and she could get away with doing the stuff she did. He said he used to see Allison when she was done with her shift and she'd be half asleep. He said he hoped that she would lose her mind one day and just start rambling about the filthy Jews or something like that on the air. He said that she was a good person and loved animals. Robin said that the whole reason she has cats is because of Allison. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
The caller asked if he could get in on the Artie roast. Howard said they're not giving away anything for that roast yet. The guy also asked Howard if he's going to see Steven Wright at Foxwoods tonight. Howard said he didn't even know that Steven Wright was still around. Artie said he heard that Steven has a new act and it's supposed to be pretty funny. Howard and Artie went up to Foxwoods one time and took Dominic Barbara's boat up there. Dominic ran over a guy in a dinghy that day. Robin said that Dominic came up to her at the film festival and told her to be very careful on her boat. She took lessons, Dominic apparently didn't.
Howard said Langford made a good point when he said that they were printing the story as if it was fact instead of telling it like it could possibly be a made up story. Gary said that some of the guys at the company were asking him if they thought Howard was really upset about this because it was from so long ago. Howard is pissed that someone is accusing him of something that he would never do. He was also saying that they were printing the story as if that woman was sane while they didn't do any research into it.
Jamie also talked about working with Kanye West and how he managed to pull that off. Ralph was in the studio at the time and kissed his ass a little bit. Howard said that Ralph actually went to one of Jamie's parties. In one clip Jamie was talking about doing the Miami Vice movie and Ralph said that should be pretty good. Jamie said that he was once offered a movie with the title ''The Next Hot Negro'' and talked about that a little bit.
Robin did the show as well so she was asking a bunch of questions. She said that she didn't just go down there to meet Jamie, she had some business to discuss with Artie. Jamie was making some comments about Robin where he was calling her ''chocolate'' and sweet talking her. Howard said everyone gets sexual with her when they meet her. She's had people like Clarence Clemmens, Joe Frasier and Penn Jillette fall for her and sweet talk her on the air.
Robin asked Jamie about how he once said that he would do Oprah if he had the chance. He was telling the guys that he would do all of the Oprah's, fat or skinny. He thinks she has a certain sexiene$$ about her. That somehow led to Robin talking about the year she got her breasts and how quick they seemed to come along.
Howard read some other stories about how there are class action suits being filed against XM and it seems like there's more and more bad news for them every day. One bad article after another. He said he's got a file so thick that he's not sure what to read to Robin. He said he really doesn't care because he's just going to do his thing.
Howard said a guy sent him a letter that explains why San Francisco is the place to be for gays. The guy explains that it has to do with the military and how that's where some gay guys settled when they were booted out of the military during World War II. Howard had never heard an explanation for that. Howard said that when he went to San Francisco to sign his book, there was a line of straight, hot, single women there. They will probably remain single living in San Francisco.
Howard read an article about XM being under investigation for the way they've been marketing their product. He said it's pretty wild how that company is getting into trouble these days. A phone caller told Howard that XM has been throwing on little clips of his show with Dice Clay to promote Opie and Anthony's show. Howard said he figured that XM would develop something of their own but they must need him to get them some listeners so that's what they do.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who brought up the fact that Leslie Moonves is making a speech at the commencement ceremony at Boston University. Howard said that they never stick up for him over there even though he's an alumni of the college and he's donated a lot of money to them. He said he used to feel good about the college when he went there but now he's not going to donate so much money to them. The more that time goes on, the more he sees that they seem to think that he's a joke and their dirty little secret.
Howard said that the college knows that Leslie is suing him and they're still going to have the guy make a speech there. They have people who didn't even go to the college making speeches while they ignore Howard Stern who actually graduated there. Howard said he's kind of torn about the whole thing and he's not sure what he's going to do.
Howard thinks that Fred was still a virgin when he met his wife. Fred said that he was about 16 or 17 when he lost his virginity and he didn't get laid again until he was in college. Howard doesn't believe any of that and doesn't think he got any cute chicks when he was young. Fred said he doesn't even know the name of the girl he got. It also turns out that it was a BJ not sex that he got when he was about 15. He banged a chick when he was 16 or 17. He didn't want to produce a name for Howard either.
Howard said that chicks were throwing themselves at Fred back when they were on NBC but Fred wouldn't do anything. Howard said that the chick was black and she was just as cute as Halle Berry. Fred said she was a decent person and he didn't think the relationship was going to go anywhere so he didn't want to just bang her.
Gary said that there used to be days when Howard and Jackie would share stories about sexual conquests and Fred would never join in on them. Fred said that losing his virginity wasn't exactly a pleasant experience. He had a lot of shit going on in his life back then.
Howard and Gary were sharing their stories about Fred and some of the strange things that he used to do. Gary said he remembers going to Fred's apartment and seeing him treating a woman across the street very nice but it appeared that he was only interacting with that one person.
Howard remembered talking to Fred one time when he was really paranoid about NBC showing up at his door to serve him court papers. Fred said they really were trying to serve him papers and he was trying to avoid it. Fred said he was told to stay away from everyone because they could serve him papers if they just saw him.
Gary said that he knows for a fact that Fred had sex before he met his wife. He didn't get a chance to say when that was though. Howard asked Fred some questions about the women that he did get. They talked about that stuff but Fred wouldn't talk about his first time because it was such a disaster. He didn't get laid for about five years after that so it was a pretty long dry spell for him.
Howard was afraid that he was going to get an e-mail from Fred asking him why he hates him. Fred said he knows that Howard hates him, he doesn't have to ask. Howard said he really doesn't hate him. Fred said he feels that Gary has more of a relationship with Howard than he does. Gary said he doesn't have a relationship with Howard outside of the show though.
Howard told Fred that if he had to boot either him or Gary off a sinking ship, he would boot Gary off. Fred told Howard that he and Gary would probably boot him off the ship instead. He also complained that Howard doesn't say hello to him every morning like he does with the other guys. Howard said he says hello to him every morning. Fred said that's not true. Gary said he doesn't hear Howard's hello like Fred hears it either so he's not sure why Fred thinks that Howard says some really vigorous ''hellos'' in the morning.
Howard told Fred that he's going to talk to him at Robin's party. Fred thinks that will be torture for both of them. Benjy asked Fred if he was hurt at all when Robin got a car and he didn't. Fred said he wasn't hurt and wasn't expecting one at all. Robin has done a lot of nice things for Howard and she deserved that car according to Fred.
Fred seems to think that Howard sees him in there and thinks to himself ''Oh, he's still here?'' Howard swears he doesn't feel that way at all. He promised Fred that he's going to spend a good 20 minutes talking to him at Robin's party tomorrow.
Howard and Gary asked Fred more questions about those days at K-Rock when he wouldn't chime in and share stories about banging chicks when they were talking about them. Fred said he was kind of jealous that they got so many women while he didn't.
Howard went around the room and asked the guys if they think that Fred is weird. Gary said he's not as weird as he used to be. Robin said he's not weird. Artie said he is weird but in a lovable way. Howard said that Fred is just an odd guy to him. Gary said he still thinks Fred is weird from stuff he did 15 years ago but he's not the same person these days. He's got a wife and kid now so things have changed. Howard said he's never devoted so much time to Fred and he's afraid he's making a mistake.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up this law that might be passed that would ban any recording of anything that's copyrighted... So it would kill the digital video recorders like TiVo and other things like that. Howard said that this guy, Ted Stevens, is trying to ruin people's fun. He said people like that are just scumbags. The caller asked if he could get some Carson's Ribs so Howard hooked him up with the prize.
Howard thanked Fred for being a loyal friend to him and having his back all of these years. He told Fred that he's one of his heroes in his life. Fred thanked him for that after laughing a little bit. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard noticed that Greg had a big tattoo on his arm so he spent a short time talking to him about that. Howard siad that Gary told him that Greg is kind of embarassed by his tattoos and won't give them the story about the numbers in his tattoo. Greg said that the story is too convoluded to even explain. Howard talked about his tattoos a little bit and explained why he got the Ohm symbol on his finger and his capricorn sign put on his arm. He siad he doesn't even believe in astrology and hates people who do.
Howard tried to find out what the 525 on Greg's arm meant to him. Greg siad that it has to do with dates that he made certain decisions on. He said that one of the days was the day he decided he'd stop drinking. The tattoo has been on his arm for about a year now. Robin told him to just put the word ''Wednesday'' on his arm instead. Greg said it would have just been easier to not stop drinking. Howard said there's something weird going on there and he can't figure it out.
Howard gave Greg some plugs for his upcoming shows. He mentioned that he was going to be at The Electric Factory which is a plce that Artie has played. ARtie said that place is a great one to play but Howard thought he hated all of those places he played. You can check out GregGiraldo.com for more info on his upcoming gigs.
Mike was on a short time later so Howard asked him if he's annoyed with them about the whole fart thing they've been goofing on him about lately. Mike said that he gets up early in the morning and he's not used to doing that so maybe that's what the fans are picking up on. Artie felt that Mike was a little different these days but Howard wasn't picking up on that.
Mike changed his tune and cheered up a little bit. Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes...Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard let Mike go but ended up replaying some of the fart clips they have from Mike. He blew a fart one day and they caught it off the air and haven't let up on him since then. He's also played the bongos off the air while waiting to come on so they took that clip and Mike's fart and mixed them together to create all kinds of song parodies and bits.
Howard said that they had a meeting yesterday about the next roast and they were trying to figure out how they can drink. He said they may shoot it at night so they can drink and stay up. He feels bad for Greg because he's not drinking anymore. Greg said he does kind of miss it but he's hanging in there.
Howard said that Greg did something pretty cool. He had a proctology exam done and shot it for Comedy Central. Greg said he actually bled a little bit after the doctor did his thing on him. He brought a guy with a snare drum and cymbal with him so he could crack jokes and stuff while the doctor was doing his thing.
Howard played some more of the Mike Walker fart song parodies. One of them was a Yes song so Howard talked about how he kind of gets into their stuff when it comes on the radio but he's not a big fan. He was also talking about going to see Def Leppard one time. He's not a big fan of theirs either and he has no desire to see the drummer playing with one arm. Fred played some Def Leppard and threw in some of the Mike Walker fart. Howard whipped through a bunch of other songs that they put the fart sound into.
Artie said that you can actually toss the dwarf pretty far but you have to be careful not to throw them over the mat they have set up on the floor. He said he was pretty sure he just picked the guy up by the seat of his pants when he tossed the guy. George was saying that dwarf tossing has been banned but Howard said they can't be arrested for doing such a thing.
Howard said that at Gary's bachelor party they had a stripper crap in a cup. Gary came in and said that Dominic Barbara offered up $400 for her to shit in a cup. Artie said that he went to a bachelor party where guys would try to shit on the stripper's faces but the strippers would blow on their asses and it's apparently impossible to shit while someone is blowing on your asshole.
Gary realized that they've never really talked about his bachelor party like human beings. He said that the strippers had a strap-on dildo that was way too big so they were trying to cut it in half in another room. Howard said one of his friends was trying to get a blow job from one of the girls but he couldn't get it up. Howard said he was so disgusted that he had to walk out of the party. Gary said that Richard Belzer also walked out of the party.
Ralph called in and said that he was at Gary's bachelor party and it was the first one he ever went to. He was wasted when he got there and even more wasted when he left. Ralph said he got in on the banging of the strippers as well. Gary didn't know that the guys were doing the chicks like that. Ralph said it got pretty insane there.
Mike Gange was also at Gary's party so he told Howard that he and Grillo had a couple of strippers with a double ended dildo and they were working it for them. It was pretty crazy for them as well.
George Flowers said that he has had a very sheltered life, he's never experienced anything like these guys have. He said he went out to dinner for his bachelor party. Greg joked that at his party he killed a stripper with a chainsaw just to top everyone else's stories. George has never even had a lap dance. He said he won't do it because he's married and he wants to stay married. Howard wanted to bring him to Scores but George has no desire to do that.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to George about his sheltered life. Ralph told Howard that he caught George buying cookies at the vending machine the other day and George is against eating junk food. George said it was only 126 calories though. He said there's nothing wrong with that. He read the ingredients and they were fine with him. He also had some fruit as desert. Robin said that everyone is watching him there because he's such a diet guru.
Howard asked George what else was coming up so he gave a few more of the stories that they'll have today. After he was done Robin asked him what kind of hobbies he has. George said he's written a bunch of books and news articles. He said he's writing a book about weight loss right now. He also wrote a novel many years back. He wrote an screenplay for a TV show but that got turned down by ABC. Howard said that wasn't a very good story though. George told the guys about some of the other things he's written about and how many of the things have been turned down.
Howard asked George if he ever sneaks his books on the shelves at book stores to sell them. George said he's never done that. Howard read a note that Penny Crone was out in the hall going crazy that George was on the air so long. Howard had Penny come in to talk about what her problem is. Penny asked Howard how far he's fallen that he can sit and talk to George for so long. She said she doesn't give a crap about the stuff that George has to talk about. She went off on him for a short time and said she had to come in there to let him know what her feelings were.
George said that he's also a stand-up comic. He said that he was friends with Buddy Hackett and Buddy got him into the business. That was a very long time ago and he hasn't done comedy in a long time. He said that Buddy impressed him so much that he got into that line of work. Penny said that she's done stand up as well and she did it around the country. She told some of her jokes but they didn't go over too well with the guys. Howard didn't know what she was talking about.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who wondered what Penny's problem is. She said that she's been yelling at George and she doesn't get it. Penny was going to walk out but Ronnie said that she was out in the green room going off on George. He said that she was pussying out on this whole rant of hers. Penny doesn't believe that George should be on the Stern show because he doesn't fit in. Robin told her that's what they like about George.
Howard thanked George for coming in and moved on to Jon Hein. Jon said that they'll be talking about the Fred discussions they had on the show earlier this morning. Howard ended up talking to George even more about the infomercials he's done before. George said he did one for a flapping alligator that went in the water and that one was pretty crazy. Howard said that they should hire George to do a commercial for a company that sells shit in a bag.
George said he was offered a job doing a commercial for a military company that was trying to sell a bomb that scattered other bombs around so they could kill even more people. He turned that one down. Greg said that he did a Spanish commercial one time and now he has guys come up to him on the street asking him if he's ''that guy'' from the commercial.
Penny returned a short time later and asked Howard why George was still on the air with him. Howard asked her if she's insane. He told her that she thinks that George is on the air because he's not trying to out-dirty them. He said that they don't want that from him. Penny tries to hard according to some of the guys. Penny was off mic so George told her to get on the mic and pissed her off even more. Penny said she thinks she's funny and even though Howard has been picking on her for 20 years, he still likes George better. She doesn't understand that.
Penny said she thinks she's going to get fired by Liz for saying what she was saying. Howard thought it was odd that she had gone out of there crying earlier. She was pissed off at Ralph as well because he made a comment to her that she didn't like. Howard told her to go back to the news room and calm down.
Jon Hein said that they'd be talking about this Penny vs. George thing during the Wrap Up Show. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and then went to commercial break.
Howard got a note from someone who thought that the 525 number on Greg's arm had something to do with him cheating on his wife and that was a reminder for him not to do it. Greg thought that was a good explanation but that wasn't what it was about.
Howard had Robin get to her news after that. During her news Howard read an e-mail from a guy who thinks that Artie might be on some kind of opiate drug because he tends to get very tired toward the end of the show. Artie claims he's not on anything like that but he'd like to be on heroin or something like that.
Howard had Junior the Farter on the phone because he had sent in some farts for the fart contest they have going. Junior blasted away for a few minutes and made one that sounded like he had just shit in the toilet. Howard wanted to hear more but Junior kept interrupting and said that he's got a video made called ''Iron Ass'' that will be out soon. Howard let Junior go a short time later. He said that he has to beg from Junior to get him to fart and he's just a tease. Artie said it's funny when a farter comes on the show and gets upset when you ask them to fart.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:05am.