|How many sides does a rectangle have?||Y||Maybe 3..||Incorrect|
|Finish this famous quote ''Give me liberty or give me...''||N||Hope||Incorrect|
|What country was Hitler from?||N||Germany||Correct|
|What country was Napoleon from?||N||England||Incorrect|
|What is frozen water called?||Y||Ice||Correct|
|Where was J.F.K. Shot?||Florida||Incorrect|
|Name 2 of the Beatles.||Paul and ?||Correct|
|How many kids is triplets?||Two||Incorrect|
|Who is Batman's sidekick?||Robin||Correct|
|How many hours are in a day?||24||Correct|
Howard said they had a busy show coming up today. They had a guy who says he can service himself coming in as well as Suzanne Somers, Captain Janks, Crackhead Bob and others. He also mentioned the show made the news after they had Amy Heckerling in the studio the day before. He read some of the article quickly and then took a commercial break.
Howard had this woman on the phone by the name of Jeanine. He said he got a letter from her the other day and she wanted to talk about the invasion of her privacy. He was trying to talk about that but the phone system sounded awful so he had to complain about that.
Howard said that Jeanine thinks that someone has been invading her privacy and she believes that she can tell, through her telepathic powers, that Steven Spielberg, Kate Capshaw, Bill Gates, Paul Allen, Harry Anderson, Richard Starkey (Ringo Starr), George Lucas, Natalie Merchant, Amy Grant and others are people who are invading her privacy.
Jeanine told Howard that she gets these thoughts in her mind about these people and she's been having them since 1989 or so. She's not sure why they are bothering her. She told Howard about these thoughts she gets in her head and how she interprets them as people invading her privacy.
Howard said he believes that all of those people are actually working together investigating her for a movie project. He asked Jeanine if that's what she thinks is going on. Jeanine said she doesn't think that's the case. She also said that she has not been treated for this problem.
Jeanine said she isn't able to work because of these problems she has. She has this reputation because of these people and that keeps her from getting a job. Fred played the cuckoo clock sound at one point while they were talking to this woman.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought Howard was leading this woman on and making fun of her instead of helping her. Robin asked Jeanine if she has anyone to take care of her. She said she sort of has people who help her out. Her family tries to help her out with money.
Howard took another call from a woman, Terry, who wouldn't believe that she was actually on the air when Howard told her she was. She had to turn her radio off to understand that she was actually on the air because of the delay they had. She then asked Howard ''what's up'' which drove him nuts. The woman told Howard that having the woman on the air is not a joke and he shouldn't be treating her this way. She said that she's had similar problems but she has learned to live with it. She then told Jeanine that she has a mental illness and this is not happening to her and she knows because she's been in the same situation. She cursed at one point so Howard had to ask her not to use profanity on the air.
Howard asked Terry who was contacting her. She didn't give any names so Howard said that he's pretty sure no men were contacting her with the voice she has. Howard tried to get it out of her but she wouldn't say who it was that was contacting her. He threatened to hang up on her after she used the S-word again. Terry said that she thinks that Princess Diana is not dead and she's actually hiding out so she can come out after she wins Star Search.
Howard told Terry that he heard from Princess Diana and she is going to come out when she wins Star Search. Terry said she knows he's not telling the truth and knows that it was all mental. Howard was going to hang up on Terry but she didn't want him to. She asked Howard to tell Sage ''hi'' for her. She was trying to say that for an old boyfriend of hers. Howard said that the stock market was easier to figure out than these two.
Howard told Jeanine that he'd look into this for her and let her go a short time later. He went to break right after that.
Howard said he got a copy of this new magazine Perfect 10 and it almost ruined his day. He said all of the girls are all natural and they can't have implants or anything like that. He said they're all hot and out of the 15 girls, 5 of them said that their favorite comedian is Howard Stern. Gary couldn't believe that he read through all of their profiles.
Howard said that this one chick, Jocelyn, was so hot and showed the guys her ass. He rattled off her profile because he had it memorized. He knew her favorite actor and all of that stuff. He figured he could get the girl after reading the profile. Then he came across Carolena who also said she likes Howard Stern. He figured two women who liked him in the same magazine was pretty cool. Then he came across Angelie who also said she likes Howard Stern. And then Lexie's profile revealed that she likes Howard Stern as well.
Howard said he was going nuts after reading all of that. Robin didn't believe that any of the girls actually even knew him. Howard told Gary to book all of the girls so they could question them about the profiles.
Howard said the magazine has a waiter poll where they ask waiters in different restaurants where they ask about different celebrities and how they tip. Steve Martin got bad mouthed by some of the waiters. Arnold Scwarzenegger got some nice feedback. Faye Dunaway was also liked by the waiters. He read through a bunch of other celebrities that were listed in that article. Rodney Dangerfield got some negative feedback while Tom Hanks was positive. Sylvester Stallone was negative.
Howard said that Rick Dees was listed in there and they said that he's one of the nicest guys in show business according to the article. Howard's name was also in there and he says he goes out of his way to leave great tips to make sure he doesn't go through this kind of stuff. He said he once left a $30 tip on a $15 bill at a Chinese food restaurant. Gary said he knows that Howard leaves good tips and he's never complained at a restaurant. Howard read the article where someone claimed that Howard has bodyguards with him when he goes out to eat. Howard said that never happens.
Howard explained how he's taken security guys out to dinner with him but they weren't working as bodyguards. He said they're usually just guys who work for the people he's working for. He wrapped up the discussion about the magazine and said that was the plug they were looking for. He couldn't get over the fact that all of those women had listed him in their profiles. He would also like to meet the waiter who bad mouthed him in that article he was just reading. He said he wants the five women who like him and the waiter from that article to be brought in at the same time.
Howard spent a short time talking about how he was watching Jay Leno's show the night before and how funny this one comedian was on the show. He said he'd like to hear that act again. Letterman had Mariah Carrey on his show but she only performed a song instead of doing an interview with him.
Howard was also watching Conan O'Brien's show which was kind of lame. He also talked about Tom Snyder's show and how awful that is. He talked about how disturbing that guy looks and how awful his show is. He said he's a scary guy and he's not sure how anyone can watch that show.
Kreskin told Howard he wants to do something on the show where people bring in their own card tables. He wants 28-32 people to do this thing but Howard told him he doesn't have enough room in the studio to do that. Howard asked Kreskin if he could smash the tables over his head if the bit sucks. Kreskin just laughed.
Howard asked Kreskin if this was going to be interesting audio because it is a radio show. Kreskin said it will be interesting. He said that one of the people they have in the room will feel that they have been taken over by Sam Kinison and they will be able to ask him questions. Howard said he thinks this is going to be worse than Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone's vault.
Howard said he can't wait to see Sam Kinison in the room when Kreskin comes in. Kreskin said they will have a true channelling in the studio. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Gary bring in Suzanne Somers so he could interview her. He checked her out and said her husband looks like hell but she looks great. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her husband and talked about this Buttmaster thing that Suzanne was selling. He told Suzanne they have a woman there who was willing to demonstrate the Buttmaster for them if they wanted to see that.
Howard asked Suzanne if she wanted to see the Buttmaster thing and also this guy who claims he can fellate himself. Howard had the woman come in to demonstrate the Buttmaster. He had her sit down and give it a try to see what exactly it does. As she was doing it the woman let out some queefs. Howard then said that this was Debbie the Queefer who makes sounds with her private parts. Howard told Suzanne that they weren't farts but queefs which were coming from her private parts. Alan said that was the Queefmaster.
Howard asked Debbie how she does that. Debbie said she's able to suck the air in by contracting her stomach muscles. She demonstrated it a little more for everyone. She even stood on her head and did some more queefing while standing on her head. She sucked in some air and blasted it out again. She blasted out a couple more before Howard let her go. Suzanne handed over one of her books for Debbie as she was leaving.
Howard got back to Suzanne and talked about her book sales and how they're doing (Suzanne Somers' Eat Great, Lose Weight). He also brought up her bed wetting and family life that he'd read about in her book. She talked about how she was able to stop herself from wetting the bed.
Howard told Suzanne he doesn't know how she can do an interview with Tom Snyder because he's such a bad interviewer. She told him about how she once wrote him a letter saying ''fuck you'' after he had said something nasty about her... So Howard had to hit the delay on her. Suzanne refused to do his show for a long time after he made that comment about her but she eventually went on and had a good time.
Howard told Suzanne he had to bring this guy in to fellate himself because he was running out of time. He told Suzanne about how the guy got booked for the show and how he claimed that he could fellate himself. Alan said if he could do that he would never get out of bed. The guy came in dressed in a disguise so no one would recognize him. He also came in with a Playboy magazine to help himself get aroused.
Howard asked the guy some questions about how he found out he could do this. The guy said he was about 12 when he figured it out. Howard said that his music isn't all that great but that's the whole reason he was there to do this. He wanted his CD to be played, that's it. Howard asked the guy if he has ever done a full completion of the act. Howard said he might be gay if he does that and did his cough ''haggot'' thing to the guy.
Howard spoke to this guy's band mate Marco who gave the guy's name as Leon. They spent a couple of minutes talking but Howard had to take a break before they could get to this guy fellating himself.
Gary said this guy was in Tommy Lee territory with the size of his penis. Suzanne said she didn't want any part of this whole thing. She told the guy to think of her as Chrissy Snow from Three's Company instead of Suzanne Somers.
Howard told Leon that if he could do this thing he could get a record deal. The guy couldn't get himself hard but he went right ahead with the whole thing and started to suck on his own member. Robin took a look and got a laugh out of it. Gary said the guy has to be a fag if he likes doing that.
Howard let the guy from the record company, Matt, listen to this guy's band Quartermint and the guy told him the name of the band was horrible. Howard said he had heard it already and it wasn't all that great. He played one song and said he knew it was going to be bad. Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Suzanne also sang a little bit herself. Howard let the song play through but talked over it and goofed on the guy a little bit. Leon gave out a web site but it was gone as of this writing (11/10/06).
Matt told Howard to have Gary get a hold of him and he'd talk to this guy about a record deal. He also got in a plug for the band Stereophonic which was a band he thought was going to be big.
Howard talked to Suzanne about the jewelry she's been selling and all of the other stuff she's been selling. Suzanne told Howard about all of that stuff for a short time. Howard gave her a plug for her book and looked through it to see the cute pictures of her.
Suzanne told Howard about how she got pregnant by a guy even though they didn't have intercourse. She believes that it happened through her panties after she fooled around with the guy. Howard also asked about having sex with Suzanne and Alan didn't seem to have much of a problem with that. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Suzanne before going to commercial break.
Howard played a news report from up in Canada where they reported on his ratings up in Montreal. They were already looking to get him kicked off the air.
Howard had to fart so he had Jackie pull his finger. He said he's been eating a lot of peanut butter lately and that's why he was farting. He also got in some plugs for Reebok since their clothes had been fitting him perfectly and he really liked likes them.
Nick also told Howard about how he had some problems with this guy Bud Friedman. He said Bob Schimmel was involved in the court case he was involved with. There were four comedians total in that case. Howard actually guessed that Schimmel was part of that because he just figured he was the type of guy who would get into something like that.
Nick told Howard how his buddy called him to let him know that he was talking about him this morning. He really appreciated what he was saying about him. He told Howard another story about how he had a glass thrown at him at a club he was at one time because of a joke he told. Howard thanked him for calling in and let him go a short time later. Jackie said he knows Nick but not all that well.
Howard had a kid on the phone who claimed that his father had dated Robin at some point. The kid told her his father's name and where he claimed to have dated her but she denied ever having dated a guy by that name. She said she was never a nurse in New Jersey like the kid's father claimed. Howard and Robin told the kid his father must have been lying to him. He let him go a short time later.
Howard talked to the guys about getting some homeless guys for the Kreskin thing they had coming up late in the week. Stuttering John said that they had to pay the guys like $20 to get them to come in. John said he goes down to the unemployment office to pick up the homeless guys they use on the show. Howard thought that was actually a good idea.
Howard mentioned that Alice (Crazy Alice), the woman who hates all black people, would be on the E! show. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Captain Janks, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and Crackhead Bob come in next. He asked Fred to play the speech that Kenneth made for him one time that was pretty funny. Howard noticed a good looking girl who came in the studio and he was told that it was Bob's fiancee. He said she was way too hot for Crackhead Bob. He told Bob that she was beautiful.
Crackhead Bob said that he wanted Howard to marry them. The girl's name was Nina but Bob could only say it as ''Dina.'' Nina said she loves Bob and she has not cheated on him. Howard had her stand up and said it looked like she lost weight. She said she's teaching dance and that helped her do that. Janks said that she's a good looking woman.
Howard heard that Nina was cheating on Bob but if she swears she isn't then he'll have to take her word. The guy who claimed she was cheating had hung up the phone. Howard said that Bob was getting fat. He asked him if he was having lots of sex. He said he was but Howard heard that he was having trouble getting it up. Nina said it's not a problem now, they're getting it on just fine. Bob said that they're doing it once every couple of weeks.
Nina told Howard that she's on birth control that keeps her from getting her period and getting pregnant. She said she doesn't get a period because of the shots she gets. She said that it reduces her sex drive though so it's not that great when it comes to that.
Bob told Howard about how he has sex with Nina and mumbled some stuff to him. Howard had them kiss and after they did that he figured they were for real. He asked Nina if he's a good kisser or not. Nina said that he's good and told Howard to give it a try himself.
Nina told Howard she dances for Bob so Howard asked her to demonstrate for them. She said she used to dance for the show ''the Grind'' so Howard thought it was kind of funny that she danced there but now dates Crackhead Bob. She danced and Bob had some moves of his own as she was dancing. Howard told them to sit down after that.
Kenneth said that Nina could stand to lose about 20 pounds. She told Ken that he could gain 20. That seemed to confuse him. Kenneth told Howard about some post cards he had made up with his face on them. Howard talked about the time that Kenneth seconded his nomination for Governor of New York. He played the audio from that day and got a few laughs out of that.
Howard also had some tape of Captain Janks and Kenneth Keith having a sleep over. He said that Ken taped himself slapping Janks in the face with dildos and stuff. Janks didn't know about that until Howard told him about it. He told Ken he'd better not fall asleep near him anytime soon.
Howard asked Bob if he and Nina are going to get married anytime soon. They didn't have any plans so Howard wondered what was up with that. Nina said she doesn't want anything huge, just a little something nice. Howard asked Bob if he's afraid he's going to lose her if he doesn't marry her. Bob said he's not afraid of losing her at all. Janks said they really do seem to love each other when he hangs out with them off the air.
Howard told Bob he thinks he had problems getting it up for Nina because of his crack use. She said it could have been her and maybe it wasn't Bob's problem. Howard seemed to think it was Bob's problem though. Howard asked him if he's ever done anal on her. Bob isn't interested in that. Nina also said that Bob doesn't like to give her oral but Bob said he does that all the time. He misunderstood and didn't know what they meant.
Nina said that Bob sucks her toes so Howard said he wanted to see that. He told Bob to go ahead and do that. He put her whole foot in her mouth a short time later. Nina said that women should look into a person's heart and not just take them for what they think they are. That's why she's with Bob.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to school with Nina and she was the hottest chick in school. He also said he heard that she was a psycho when she was going out with one guy who was in college when she was in high school. Howard said she didn't seem to be acting like a psycho today. The guy said she must be if she's going out with Bob.
Howard noticed the ring that Nina had on her finger from Bob and it looked pretty nice. She was really engaged to him and Howard said he'd love to have seen her family's reaction to Bob being engaged to her. Howard asked Captain Janks and Kenneth Keith about the girls they've had and spent a minute on that.
Howard asked if Bob's kids had met Nina yet. Bob said they had met her but he's not even able to visit them himself. He said he thinks that because he's on the show, his kids have a problem with him. Robin figured they were getting a little bit of ribbing from their classmates over him appearing on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Captain Janks has been doing forgeries of Howard's autograph for books he was giving away. Janks asked him what club he had gone to where he won the book he was talking about but the guy couldn't remember. Janks figured he was full of crap and wasn't telling the truth. Howard wrapped up with them and went to break a short time later.
Howard started off the show asking what happened at the VH-1 Fashion awards since he was nominated for an award. Fred said they're not supposed to air until Tuesday. Howard asked Robin if she knew if he won. She said she thinks that it would have made the news if he had. Howard figured it would have made the news and gotten some publicity for the show but they wouldn't want that.
Howard said he got a satellite dish so he had to spend the weekend programming it. He said he's got about 500 channels so it's tough to find just what you want. He did that and then watched a lot of TV over the weekend.
Robin said he should be happy that she's there, she had to be rescued this weekend. He told her to save that until after the break. He said they were there live, this wasn't a ''best of'' or anything like that. He went to break a short time later.
As the guys were listening to that report there was a lot of laughter coming from Howard and Jackie. Howard said he liked the report. He thinks that he's probably broken every law there. He asked for them to remove him from the air already, he's bored. He said they have a lot more of Canada to conquer after that. He and Robin talked about some of the jokes he said during the press conference they were pulling quotes from.
Howard said Robin's horse must have finally earned it's keep after getting her home. Robin said the horse just went up the hill that she thought they couldn't go up. She said she didn't want to go up the hill but the horse just went right up and over. She said she had people waiting for her in Manhattan because she wasn't supposed to be out in the woods like that. She said some people were sent out to find them because they were gone so long. She heard a megaphone asking if she was lost. They actually found her because they heard hear laughing out there.
Howard said that he figures that they have about .005 percent of their listeners riding horses that can relate to her lifestyle. Robin said that they were lucky because it was starting to get cold out and her friend's feet were starting to freeze by the time they got out of there. Howard said they were probably just 100 yards from the barn and didn't even know it.
Howard found the article he was reading about this ''satellite radio'' and how he thinks that it will create a bunch of new jobs and it'll be pretty good. He found some other interesting articles that he read while trying to find that satellite radio article. He read about JFK Jr. Suing a hair dresser or something like that. He eventually found the article about the satellite radio. The company was called ''CD Radio'' and they were racing to find a location for the studios. Howard said they were thinking of having the studios in New York City. Howard said they were saying they needed $500 million to get the company going. Howard thought that was a lot of money and it would take a while to finally get it out there.
Howard said the satellite powered receivers would be about the size of a silver dollar. He thought it sounded pretty cool. Robin had many questions about it and wondered how the satellite thing would work because they do satellite stuff for the show and they only have a certain time to do it. Howard said that's because they rent time on the satellite to send out the signal for the affiliates.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer thinks that his jinx is gone now that he's placed a bet and won. They had a fan call in and have him bet his $100 on a team he wanted to lose and they ended up winning so Scott thinks his curse is gone. Howard said if it was Scott's own money and he had placed the bet himself, he would have lost.
Howard had Gary come in to tell a story about a curse that's on the Cleveland Indians and where that all came from. Then Scott came in to talk about the bet he had won. Scott said it was his own money, the guy gave him the $100 so it was his money at that point. Stuttering John came in and said that they could bet on some games tonight if they wanted to. Howard asked Scott if he wanted to bet him with his own money. Scott said that he would pick the Dolphins but Howard told him he wasn't going to take the bet. He said he didn't have to take a bet if he didn't believe in it. He said that Scott is a loser and any bet he makes with him, he will lose. He has to take a bet that he likes though.
Stuttering John told them that they could take another game so Howard said he'd do that. Scott said the game was a pot luck game and he didn't want to bet on it. Howard said he'd give Scott whichever team he wanted but Scott didn't want to go for it.
Howard wanted to play cards against Scott so he told Gary to go get him a deck of cards. He spent a couple more minutes talking to Scott but said he had to take a break. Scott claimed that his mind went with his heart when he bet on one game that he lost on not too long ago. Fred did his impression of Scott and said ''My mind went with my hair'' and started laughing as he said that. The guys all goofed on Scott for a couple more minutes before Howard had to go to break.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he became close friends with Tiny Tim toward the end of his life. He said he met him at an antique show one time and sat down and talked to him about his life. He said he would go to all of his shows and things like that. Howard figured that anyone could do that but the guy claimed he had Tiny Tim's teeth and could prove that he was close friends with him. Howard didn't care and hung up on the guy.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up Detroit and got Howard talking about that. He said he worked there for a while and knew how scary it could be there. Howard spent a short time talking about that.
Howard took a call from Melrose Larry Green who said that he had some stuff that would blow him away. He said that he didn't want to mention names but there are some people on his station out in L.A. That are stealing from him and plagiarizing his show. Howard said that's common and he's used to that. Larry said that they use Great American Nightmare in their opening of the show. Howard said it is on an album so that's no big deal. Melrose went on to talk about the other things the show does to rip him off but Howard didn't want to hear it. He told Howard that their names were Conway and Steckler. Howard told Larry to get off his case and not call him to rile him up. He said he's already in therapy so he should just leave him alone.
Howard said he had the governor of New Jersey on the phone and couldn't spend time with Melrose. Melrose told Howard that he's opening up for Jackie Mason at some comedy show. Howard said he didn't believe that so he asked him to tell some of his jokes. Melrose told Howard some of his jokes and Fred played a bomb dropping sound after each joke. Melrose said he does 8 minutes opening up for Jackie Mason and gave Howard about a minute of it. Howard told him he really should just take cyanide and get it over with. He hung up on him and moved on.
Howard also talked to Governor Whitman about how he liked that she didn't push for this late term abortion ban that the right wing conservatives were pushing for. He also likes that she didn't sleep with Marv Albert. He also liked that she kept her promise to name a rest stop after him.
Howard said he's going to wait until about 2 days before the election and then he'll start his push for Governor Whitman. He said if they get rid of her now, they'd be making a big mistake. He said that people don't really make up their minds until the last minute in elections. He said he liked the way Governor Whitman looked when he saw her on TV recently. She's been making herself up nicely these days. Governor Whitman said she'd be in next Monday and she was looking forward to that. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard said that Scott DePace was yelling about her not letting self-service gas stations in the state. He said that's the last thing Scott should be worrying about though. There are plenty of other issues that she's taking care of. Howard said the guy who is running against Whitman is and odd guy.
Howard asked Scott DePace to come in to talk about his complaints. Scott said that Jersey has a lot of laws that are ridiculous. He said that there's a law against self-service gas stations and he doesn't like that. Howard told Scott that he's got a low IQ and shouldn't be arguing this stuff. Gary came in and said that Scott must be retarded because he pumped his own gas in New Jersey just recently. Scott told him he couldn't have been in New Jersey. Gary wondered what kind of complaint that is because that means you don't have to pump your own gas. Scott said that was just a minor complaint he had. He's got others as well. Howard told him that's ridiculous and told him he's insane.
Howard said he had a guy on the phone who says that there is a law against the self-service thing in New Jersey. Howard told Scott he could talk to Governor Whitman about that next week when she comes in.
Howard said Jackie was there with Robin's horse and he was bouncing on the thing unlike Robin bouncing along with the horse. He said Jackie was bouncing on it so hard it looked like it would hurt the horse. He said that you have to see Jackie on the horse, they must have tape of it because E! taped it. Howard said he did touch that horse at some point. He said he was involved with the horse's nutsack.
Howard talked more about the satellite TV thing and how many cool TV shows there were to watch. He told Jackie that they have a new box now that lets you look at your menus and see TV at the same time. He said it's very cool stuff. He told Robin that he was watching a football game and also a national cheerleading competition. He said they are some hot broads in that competition. Gary said that the shows are usually sponsored by Tampax and that makes him feel kind of gay. Howard told him it's far from gay and he's watching it for the hot chicks.
Howard talked about the stuff the commentators talk about during the competitions and how odd they can be. Gary said he's seen some high school cheerleading competitions as well. Gary said that there are a lot of ESPNs out there now and they have all of that stuff on there. The guys talked about some of the crazy channels they have out there now. Howard said he blocks out most of that stuff since he doesn't watch it.
Howard asked Jeanie about what happened to her that made her like this. She said that she didn't really have the chance to develop when she was a child. She said that she wasn't molested or anything like that but her father was an alcoholic and he treated her very poorly. She said that they found their father passed out one time and that was a very traumatic event for her and her sister. She said that when she had a break down after all of that, she discovered all of her personalities.
Howard wanted to talk to the different personalities separately but she said that probably wouldn't happen. She said that they're all integrated. Howard asked Jeanie if she had different types of clothing and things like that. She said she absolutely did and some personalities wouldn't touch the other's clothes. She said that she's all integrated now so those separate personalities don't come out like that anymore. Howard asked her if she ever woke up with a sore ass after one of the personalities went out and had anal. She said she doesn't remember if it ever did.
One of Jeanie's personalities was called JJ and she was the promiscuous one who would go out and pick up guys. Jeanie said that everyone has similar personalities in them and that's what she writes about in her book ''Naked As We Stand.'' Howard said he was hoping that her personalities would all come out and start arguing with each other or something like that. Howard asked her how she wrote the book if she doesn't know what her other personalities did. She said she was able to do it years ago. She said they told her there was nothing physically wrong with her and it was all from not developing normally as a child.
Howard took a call from a woman who claims she's got 3 personalities as well. Howard asked her if one of them is a whore. She said ''oh fuck yeah'' to that. Howard asked her a few questions about that but he said he was getting confused by it all so he gave up on it and let both of the women go.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is just an excuse for those women to go act like whores. Howard agreed with him. The caller also said that he thinks that anyone can write a book now that he's heard that woman. He also said he feels like going out and being a whore right now. Howard had to go to break after that.
Gary said that he can pick up his neighbor's baby monitor in his house. He figures that they can hear them as well so they make sure they never say anything in front of the monitor. Howard said that one time a listener called in and said that he had heard Stuttering john on the phone with someone so he called in and repeated the conversation verbatim. Jackie didn't know about that and he was the one on the other end of the phone.
Howard talked about how Gary used to be treated really poorly by this woman at NBC when he worked for her. Gary said that she used to yell at him all the time but she'd never curse over the two-way radio. Gary said one day he got a phone call from a guy who said he could hear those conversations and Gary should tell her to go fuck herself. Gary said that it's nice that someone knows how he's getting yelled at, that way he's not alone.
Howard said that NBC would go through this whole thing to make it seem like that woman was doing news reports when it was actually Gary feeding her information from the station. They also talked about the people they had who would volunteer to call in the traffic information back then.
Stuttering John came in and said it was really weird to have people telling them about conversations they've had on their cordless phones. Gary said that he heard a story about Madonna that was apparently spread after people heard her talking on a cordless phone.
Gary had another story to tell as well. He tried to sell an apartment but he wasn't able to sell it so he sublet it out to a woman. He said that he rented it out to this woman and went over to check it out to clean it up. He asked the woman if he could have his cleaning lady over there. She said that was fine so he sent her there. She said that he called the woman to leave a message forgetting that his cleaning lady was there. Then the cleaning lady picked up and told him how messy it was there. He told her he knew that and that's why she was there, the woman was a pig. Then he heard the answering machine squeal and realized that the woman was going to hear the answering machine message. He got a call from her later laughing telling him that she'd heard the message.
Howard played a new Crackhead Bob History moment. This one was Bob as a bus driver and an air traffic controller. Howard took a phone call after that. The caller asked how he could get in on this show they're doing on Friday. Howard said they were going to go out trick or treating but things aren't working out very well for that. He said that they have this bus that they can use to go around doing that but there are a lot of things that could interfere with the broadcast. He said he gave up on that idea after hearing all of the negatives. He said he thinks that other shows do that stuff all the time and he's thinking that it's all about money.
Howard said that he doesn't want to pre-tape the event, he wants it to be live. The caller asked about the thing they're doing with Kreskin later this week. He said that Kreskin is going to come in and have some guest channel the real Sam Kinison. He said they have nothing to do with what Kreskin is planning. Howard said he always thought Kreskin set that stuff up but he heard that they never did. Howard said he heard that Kreskin was always good at being very observant at what people do so that's how he's been able to do these tricks he's done.
Howard said he wants to see how Kreskin pulls this whole thing off because he's fascinated by it. He asked Gary to get him on the phone so he could ask him about it. Gary tried to get him on the line so they could talk to him. Howard said he'd like to talk to Kreskin's mother because he still lives at home with her. Gary said that they got an answering machine so they had to leave a message for him.
Howard said that they have to get 5 people down there to the studio and he's thinking that they have to be girls. Robin said that they should have a costume contest to pick the winners to come in there. A caller told Howard he worked for a TV show that shot a Kreskin trick one year and they had about 20 people picked at random and they had tables flying around the room and stuff like that. The people were just picked randomly so he's not sure how he managed to make that happen. He said they bought the tables, but Kreskin picked the people from the crowd. Howard said that Kreskin is letting them pick the people this time.
Howard played another interview that Steve did with Dennis Hopper. Steve was yelling for him to come over to him. He asked him a couple of questions and Hopper answered most of them no problem. Then Steve asked Norm MacDonald some questions. Norm wondered why he got Steve to interview him. He said he'd rather have Stuttering john. Michael Moore was also interviewed by Steve. He asked him to sing a little of his favorite John Denver song and Moore sang for him. Moore wouldn't stop singing as Steve was asking him some other questions.
Steve asked Fiona Apple a question and she flipped out on him about the question. Howard said Grillo got kicked out after that so he played some audio of that. The other press people were yelling at security to let him stay but they kicked him out anyway. Steve said there really weren't any good people coming to the press room. That led to him talking more about the part he had on NYPD Blue. His line was ''Rope head scumbags, we've got exits on the front side and the back.'' He mumbled through it so Howard and the guys goofed on him about the way he delivers his lines. Howard wondered if Amy Heckerling was hearing all of this stuff because she's a director.
Howard asked Amy why she has Gilbert Gottfried over to her apartment for dinner. She explained how she had been engaged to Bronson Pinchot for a while so Howard got sidetracked talking to her about him. He asked her if he's big in the pants. Amy just laughed. She said they started going out after he came in and read for her one time. Robin asked her if she's seen his new TV show. She told them that he moved out on her one night that she was out working on a movie and hasn't seen him since.
Howard had Gilbert Gottfried on the phone so he had the two of them talk about why they had dinner together. Howard figured that Gilbert was going there trying to get into Amy's pants. Gilbert said he was actually trying to meet Bronson Pinchot. Howard brought up the recent call they got from Amy's babysitter because she was so upset with the way Gilbert acts in front of her. Amy said that Gilbert is a sick person and it's not clear where to draw the line with him. Amy said that Gilbert asked her 12 year old daughter about having hair down below and he used the C-word describing it.
Howard asked Gilbert why he would do such a thing to a 12 year old. Gilbert said he called Amy's house one day and the babysitter got on the phone first. He did an impression of her talking to him and said that the daughter started laughing at her. He said that eggs it on even more. Amy said she kind of likes that this is going on at her home. Howard asked Gilbert if he thought it was inappropriate to ask something like that of a 12 year old. He said he does like to get to know people, so that's why he did it.
Amy said that Gilbert is the kind of guy who will insult the audience until they're all gone and then stand there telling jokes to make himself laugh. She said a guy like that isn't all there. Howard asked Amy what her daughter did when Gilbert asked all of those questions. She said that she told him that his career was over and he was down to just doing Cheerios commercials.
Gilbert said he's had Amy's babysitter call him at 3 in the morning to yell at him about the comments he's made about the Jews. He said she'll even put the 12 year old on the phone to yell at him too. Amy said she's kind of torn because she knows Gilbert can't help it but he is saying it to her 12 year old daughter. Gilbert said that they've left messages on his machine that he couldn't even play on the air. Gilbert said that he can really upset the babysitter, Barbara, by saying something pretty tame. They just keep getting on the phone even after he says that stuff though.
Howard let Gilbert go and got back to Amy. He told Steve Grillo he could leave too because Amy wasn't going to hire him. He went on to ask Amy about the movie Clueless and how that all came about. She told Howard that she wrote the movie just so she could get something made. She said she had to come up with something really happy so that's the movie she came up with. Howard told her that it was one of the funniest movies out there and he can't believe she came up with it. He asked if she had anything to do with the TV show. She said she was involved the first year but after that she was out. She said she really liked Alicia Silverstone for the part. Howard asked her if she has a moustache. She said it's just the shape of her mouth, it's not a moustache. Howard said it really looked like she had one in the Batman movie she was in.
Howard asked Amy how long it takes to write a movie like Clueless. She said it took about 3 months. She also talked about how she got involved with ''Fast Times at Ridgemont High.'' Howard said she must be really talented and he's very impressed with her. He asked her who she had the kid with. She said it was a guy who wrote ''Police Academy.'' Howard said that he's impressed with these power couples that are out there.
Howard told Amy about the time Gilbert was in the hospital and the only visitors he had were him and Robin. He said no one in the press picked up that he was in the hospital even though Gilbert was afraid they were going to. After months of no press Gilbert asked him to say something on the air so maybe someone would take notice. Howard said he sent some people like Dice and Belzer to go visit Gilbert but Belzer just sat there and read the paper while he was there.
Howard said Gilbert asked him to get a thermometer for him that read digitally. He puts on his regular voice when he makes calls like that so Howard was doing an impression of that. He said Gilbert got all philosophical with him when he thought he was dying. Howard said he wondered what Gilbert was going to do if he left comedy after all of that.
Howard said he had Kreskin on the phone but he wanted to put that off until tomorrow. Gary told him it was important so Howard tried to get him on the line. He wasn't having any luck at first but he eventually got him on. Kreskin told Howard that he was calling from Resorts in Atlantic City and last night he lost some money. He said he had 30 bucks left and went and won 21 hands in a row which was very unusual. He had Security standing next to him while that was going on. Howard didn't think that was earth shattering news like he was saying it was. Gary said Kreskin will call him and tell him news like that and it's just big news for Kreskin. He said that Kreskin told him that it was going to make the headlines.
Howard moved on and talked to Kreskin about this thing they're doing on Friday. Howard asked how many people he wants. Kreskin wants 30 or 40 people so he can pick from that group. Howard said that would be fine with him and said he'd get them for him. Kreskin said he'll pick about a dozen from that group and do his trick. Kreskin said that they're going to try and channel Sam Kinison but if they can't get him, something crazy will happen.
Howard let Kreskin go and got back to Amy. He said he really didn't know how good looking she was. He asked her what she's working on now. She said she's directing ''Night at the Roxbury'' but Howard didn't get how they could make that into a whole movie. She said it's actually a very sweet movie. Howard asked her if she's dating the short guy, Chris Kattan, from the movie. She asked why he would ask that and that made Howard think that she was. He had pulled something out of the and got it right. She wouldn't talk about that with him but he swore that he didn't set that up. He swore on the life of his children that he didn't know anything, he just guessed at it. Robin didn't believe him but he kept swearing on the life of his kids that he did just guess.
Howard said he had to take a break and was about to when Tom Chiusano came in to remind him to take a break. Howard told him to get out and said that he was going to do another hour without a break just because he had come in like that. He spent a few more minutes talking to Amy about her movies and then talked to her friend Jay who was sitting in the studio. He talked to him and found out he's been friends with Amy since college. He's never boned her though.
Howard told Amy she seems very sad, like most directors. He wondered if she was on her period today or something. She laughed and said she wasn't on it but he thought she was lying about that. Howard had Amy's babysitter Barbara on the phone after that. She said that she and Amy are on the same schedule for their periods and she knows she's not on it right now. Howard was going to let her go but Gilbert was on the phone so he kept her on.
Howard let Barbara and Gilbert go at each other a little bit since it was so funny. Gilbert said he calls the house and asks Barbara to put the daughter on the phone and she'll put her right on and then he'll say that he wants to apologize and she'll put her back on. Then she'll ask him why he says things like that to a 12 year old. Barbara was explaining herself but Gilbert was telling Howard about the things he does to her to jerk her around. He was also doing an impression of her and goofing on the way she puts the 12 year old right back on the line when he asks her to. Howard said this is the movie she has to make, Gilbert and Barbara doing their phone thing.
Howard let Gilbert keep going with his Barbara impression. He continued to make fun of her so Howard asked Barbara if it's true that she looks like him. She said she has his hair but that's it, she's been told she looks like Grace Slick. Gilbert was going a little too far with his comments so Amy asked him to stop. Howard decided to wrap up with Gilbert at that point but then Barbara had more to say. He kept Gilbert on the phone and let him goof on her accent even more. Howard and the guys were laughing as that was going on. Amy's friend Jeff was laughing pretty hard as well. Howard told Amy that this was her biggest nightmare.
Howard let Gilbert and Barbara go and got back to Amy. She talked about how Bronson left her while she was shooting a movie and he left the house a mess. He had gotten mad at her for some reason and that's why he left. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then wrapped up and went to commercial.
Robin got into her news after that. She talked about John Denver's death and how it's led to his albums getting back into the top 10 album sales. Howard said he should have killed himself 20 years ago if that's the case. He told Jackie to do the same and maybe he could sell some more records. He said it would be funny if Jackie did that and didn't sell any albums.
Howard had Robin get back to her news and had her finish up a short time later. They ended the show around 10:10am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Show opening bits include Sugar Ray's cover of Psychedelic Bee, and a Letterman intro from Howard's appearance just after Private Parts was released.
Howard said he had a lot of bits today and that he wanted to get to them in a timely fashion. He said he had a lot of stuff lying around. Robin mentioned that she was watching baseball late into the night last night. Howard was amazed at her lack of sleep. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard then played the bumper with a bunch of gospel singers singing about him. Howard got to Greg on the phone. Greg said that on Canada there's major discussion going on about pulling the Stern show off the air. Howard was having problems with the equipment in the studio. Howard said the CRTC (Canadian FCC) was angry with him for saying he doesn't like ''French stuff.'' He said there's already indication they are the number 1 show in Canada. He said an article from Canada lists him as getting the highest complaint count in history. The article went on to say that the Canadian government is looking like it will not regulate the Howard Stern show. Howard then played a song parody of Randy Newman's Short People making fun of French people. He said it wasn't very funny, but it just goes to show you how much time some people have on their hands. The song wasn't very funny, but Jackie was having a great time in the back.
Howard moved on to talking about the World Series and how the ratings are low. He said that he's interested in it and he's not really a big baseball guy. Gary said he was up late watching it and it was only at the 4th inning by 10:30 EST. They discussed the results of the game for a few minutes, Florida ended up winning the game the previous night. Gary continued to vent about how late the games go. Howard talked about how there's nothing worth staying up late for and that it's much better to just get some sleep.
A guy called in and claimed he wanted to orgy with them. The girls seemed interested, and then the guy offered to bring his friend. The girl on the phone said no guys she knows want to get together with each other. Howard said they should invite guys over to watch the game and then start the orgy. Howard asked if they looked like Laverne and Shirley, but they claimed that one looked like Jodie Foster. Howard asked them to kiss each other right then and there. Then he asked them what they were wearing. The girls claimed to kiss but Howard didn't buy it and had them go for more. He convinced them to try it. The girls then asked about sex toys to use on guys and Howard told them to try a butt plug. He hung up with them a short time later.
Howard then went on to tell a story about a girl he used to have sex with 5 times a day that said she was an actress. Howard said they did everything to each other, even having sex in the tub. He said one day this other girl came over that he had had sex with months prior to the 5 times a day girl and a whole bunch of people were in the house. People started making out and Howard's girlfriend took her top off and an orgy almost ensued, but Howard didn't want that at all so he said ''forget it.'' Howard said later on he found out this girl was dating a guy with a gigantic penis and she won't talk to him anymore. Howard had to go to break shortly after that.
Howard said they're really, really brave for printing upskirt pics of the late Princess Diana.(She had only been dead about 2 weeks at the time of this show). Jackie could barely breathe he was enjoying the pictures so much. Howard said they have great photos of Farrah Fawcett.
Howard said that they were supposed to have Debbie Gibson on, he wrote some songs for her to sing since she wants to change her image. Howard said he wrote one called ''Hail To Satan''. Debbie refused to do the songs. Howard said she wanted to perform her own ''wild song'' but it was horribly non-wild. Howard said he sent her his own wild song for her to sing. It was a parody of Elton John's 'Candle In the Wind' about using a candle to pleasure yourself. He played the song and it got big laughs. Howard couldn't believe she didn't want to do the song.
Howard then started talking about how people are cruelly clubbing seals in Canada again. Howard said any guy who could club a pup is a ''real man.'' Howard was laughing about Asians who use seal penis as an aphrodisiac.
Howard got back to talking about the seals for a little bit. There was a caller who wanted to talk about an advertiser who was giving away breast implants or something. Neither Howard nor the girl knew exactly what it was. Howard played a clip of a man talking about breast enhancement and enlargement.
Some guy was on the phone acting like he knew where Howard lived and saying that courtesy flushing was bad for you. The guy said that he knows Howard lives next door to a ''junkyard king.'' Howard said the guy didn't know what he was talking about and hung up on him. Another guy on the phone said that his penis is smaller than Howard's. Howard said he'll beat him and he's sure of it. Another caller said that the French Canadians are nuts.
Howard said he had plenty to talk about including these black talk shows on at night now. Howard wondered where he could find some seal penis. He said they hired Sinbad to take over this Vibe show. Robin said Sinbad lied to them when he was on, telling them he'd never do a talk show. Howard said he's a funny guy and at least he can do a monologue. Robin said Vibe is impossible to watch. Howard went to break after that.
Howard went to the other girl and she said she's an ''E''. Howard couldn't decide who to examine first. Howard went to the H cup girl first. Jackie said they're bigger than footballs. Howard had Gary come over to help him examine.
Howard and Gary continued to massage and then eventually moved on to the next girl. Howard wanted Robin to come over and feel the breasts but she wasn't interested.
The first girl said lets her husband have sex with another girl and told her story. She said she's been wither her husband 7 years and has kids with him. She said she's fine with letting him have sex with another girl as long as he has sex with her first. She said it was a hygiene issue.
Howard had ''Sam Kinison'' on the phone. The role of Kinison was played by Craig Gass. He talked to the Kinison impressionist for a little bit and made some jokes about recently dead people like Versace and Princess Di. The call didn't last very long. Howard began discussing Ann Rice's theory about how very few souls ever get to heaven, and that Satan created hell as a place for souls to go. She claims that hell is just a place of lost souls and not really fire and brimstone.
Howard pulled the string on the Rosie doll a few more times. Then he had a woman on the phone who wanted to try lesbianism for her husband. She wanted advice on luring women. Howard told her to go to a strip club with her husband and pick out a stripper. The girl didn't seem enthusiastic about that idea.
One guy was on the phone and he said he and his friend caught chlymidia from two chicks after pretending to be the Jesus Twins at a local bar. The next caller had her radio up. Howard kept telling her to turn her radio all the way up. She had it on in the background when he picked up on her. Howard was really enjoying messing with her. She kept turning it up like a dope. She said she had an affair and wants to know if she's going to hell. Howard just about got her to admit that the guy she cheated on her husband with was better than her husband. Howard talked with her a little while about having affairs. A guy called in and said he was black, Howard goofed on him for a few minutes before saying they had to go to break. Howard took a few more calls first though, a woman asking about Tom. Howard made fun of Tom saying he wasn't that bright, and some woman said maybe Tom was having sex with his golf clubs. The last caller tried to do a joke but failed. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had a woman on the phone who said she met Gilbert in a restaurant and he tried to pick her up. She said Gilbert's older than her and agreed he isn't hot. Gilbert said he looks like Goldfinger instead of Sean Connery. They said Gilbert is 150% Jewish. The girl on the phone said he offered her free tickets to his concert for her number. She gave him her number and he called asking if she wanted to meet him. She lied and told him she was on the other line and asked if she could have his number. He said he'd call her back and Gilbert didn't stop. She had to have her roommate answer and lie for her. Then her brother called her doing a Gilbert impression. She said that Melrose Larry Green and Ratso Sloman wouldn't stop calling her either. Howard said that Melrose and Larry talk to each other and Melrose has money. So Melrose takes Larry to dinner and Larry tells Gilbert there's free dinner. The two of them hook up and take Melrose's dinner.
Gange and Gary came in to join in on the fun, bashing Gilbert some more. Some girl offered to take Gilbert out to lunch and he called her back constantly asking her when it would be because he wanted sex. That girl that says she's Gilbert's daughter called in. She wasn't making sense and she was hard to hear. Gilbert said the woman's been calling his agent, the TV shows, the papers.
Next on the phone was the Holocaust woman again. She's still upset with Gilbert for making fun of the Holocaust. She made fun of him and attacked him. She told him she wishes he'd commit suicide. Gilbert kept going with the Holocaust jokes and the woman got upset. She said that God is punishing Gilbert because he gets no work. They continued to fight for a few minutes. She said given the choice between Gilbert and a Nazi she'd pick a Nazi. Gilbert asked her if she'd rather sleep with him or drive with Princess Di. She wasn't gonna answer that though. The woman said she talked to Henry Winkler about her parents. Gilbert asked if he gave her the thumbs up and said,''Eeeeeh!'' Gilbert asked if she told it to Laverne and Shirley too. Gilbert told her to yell,''HOGAAAAAAN!'' he kept making Holocaust jokes and got the woman angry. That continued for about 15 minutes and then she hung up.
It didn't end there though. The next guy on the phone said Gilbert tried to pick up his wife. ANOTHER guy called in and said Gilbert tried to bang his mom in high school. That guy turned out to be a fake. The last guy said Gilbert picked up his own tip. That one they had the hardest time believing. Grillo came in and said his friend dated Gilbert for a while and Gilbert said she was really hot, but it was a turn off that she'd banged Grillo.
There was a guy on the phone that said he was live on the scene of a shoot out with police, it turns out he wasn't though.
The next story was about the World Series. Howard asked Gilbert if he watches baseball. He said ''no.'' He couldn't even name a player or how many guys are on a team. Gilbert was making fun of himself for a few minutes then he went into ''Who's On First''. Robin said she'd like to get out of their sometime today, but Gilbert was going to make sure that did not happen.
Robin tried to continue her news but Gilbert kept making fun of Ratso. Gilbert was enjoying himself. Robin's next story was about a woman losing custody of her kids because she's addicted to the internet. Court records say she spends all her time locked in a room with a computer, away from her children. The children will be given to the father. Howard said there are people in the chat rooms all day and night.
Robin tried to continue with the news once again, and Gilbert got into his impressions. He did Dracula Gottfried and had everyone cracking up in the studio.
Robin's next story was about two girls who wrote a song about homosexuality called, ''Not Natural''. Robin said they will sing it in Philly at the ''Million Woman March''. Then she had a story about Stevie Wonder singing at the funeral of his favorite driver. Gilbert did Dracula Gottfried for a few minutes making fun of that. The next story was about Dennis Rodman asking for more money from the Chicago Bulls. Howard asked Gilbert if he's ever done Vibe with Keenan Ivory Wayans. He said it's the one black show he hasn't done. Gilbert started doing his Carson impression and making fun of Keenan.
Her final stories were about Bill Cosby getting a new show on CBS. Gilbert did his Bill Cosby impression for a few minutes. The next was about Johnny Rotten winning his court case. The very last was about Roman Polanski trying to get back in the country. They finished up a short time later.
(The following was added 10/01/09) Howard read that Steve Grillo got a dedication too. Fred said that's because he used to show up to a bunch of gigs.
Howard brought up the incident that Fred and his wife had at the Rainbow Room one night. Jackie told Howard about that incident again. He told Howard that the room was rotating and by the time Fred and his wife's table got back to where they were, the table had been cleared and Fred and his wife were gone. Fred said that he bumped the table with his hip and he didn't knock the table over or anything.
Gary said he remembers hearing from that guy who was there who said he saw Fred throw a glass at the wall. Fred went off on Gary and said that maybe they should talk about his marriage too. He said that Gary likes to interject and he has no business doing that with that story. Gary said he was just telling them what that caller said when he was on the air.
Howard asked Fred some questions about what the fight was about at the Rainbow Room. Fred gave some of the details and said that it happened 4 years before. Howard told Fred that he should lay off the drinking because that seems to lead to trouble.
Howard played the track ''Tearing Down the Walls'' from Fred's album. Howard said it was kind of a Latin sound. He and Robin tried to figure out what the lyrics were about. They weren't having any luck figuring them out. Howard asked what the hell he was talking about.
Howard told Fred that he should keep all of this stuff locked up inside of him and not let it all out. He said that a relationship is making yourself look like a hero instead of breaking all of these awful details of his life to her. Howard said he looks like a hero to his kids because of that. Howard played more of Fred's song and said he gets it now. He cut it off and gave Fred some plugs for the CD.