|What city is the Empire State Building in?||New York City||Correct|
|Who is Bill Clinton?||President||Correct|
|What is a lesbian?||A woman who likes women||Correct|
|Question||Caller Says||Homeless Answer||Correct Answer?|
|How many sides does a rectangle have?||Y||8||Incorrect|
|What is frozen water called?||Y||Ice||Correct|
|What country was Hitler from?||N||Germany||Correct|
|What country was Napoleon from?||N||Rome||Incorrect|
|Who painted the Mona Lisa?||N||No answer||Incorrect|
|Where was J.F.K. Shot?||N||Dallas||Correct|
|Who invented the light bulb?||N||Thomas Jefferson||Incorrect|
|What do Ulysses Grant, Calvin Coolidge and Thomas Jefferson have in common?||NA||They were all presidents||Correct|
|Finish this famous quote ''Give me liberty or give me...''||NA||Death||Correct|
|Who is Batman's sidekick?||NA||Robin||Correct|
|What's heavier, 1000 pounds of gold or 1000 pounds of feathers?||NA||Gold||Incorrect|
8:30: Played clips of Jackie interviews from TV shows when he was plugging his book. Basically they were making fun of him because he sounded so serious and how he answered questions like "How are you funny at 6:00am?" answer: "I don't know, Howard starts talking then it's like a war, you're in a foxhole." They made fun of him for talking about it like that but dodging vietnam
8:45 They played a mystery record for collector items Private Parts CDs. They record was sung by Bill Cosby. really REALLY early work.
8:55 Talked to some Canadian stripper who is getting sued by Sesame Street because she does some act where she does lewd things with Bert and Ernie. Her stage name was Barbie Doll Benson.
9:15: Had Wally George, Rebecca DeMornay's dad on. You probably know they hate each other and spent about 15 minutes back and forth..it was very funny. Howard raked him over the coals about his family, how his daughter (Rebecca) doesn't love him, his young daughter, how he has some TV show that nobody watches. And the guy was basically calling Howard disgusting, etc etc. Then Howard went into classic Howard and taunted him about having cancer and talked about how he can't wait for him to die.
Howard started off the show talking about how Mark Harris and Daveed were going to be in today. He also said that Ozzy Osbourne was going to be in because he was going to be hosting his own show later in the day. He said they have some other guests coming in later this week. They have this champion yodeler woman coming in but they got a call from some her management asking it if it was okay to let her do the Mark and Brian show. He said Gary told him no because they seem to listen to everything they do there and try to steal their guests. He said that her management agreed to keep her on Howard's show only because they were the ones who called first.
Howard said he was listening to a sports guy on some radio station bad mouthing him. He said that he thinks he should retire after his current contract ends to get away from all of that nonsense. He said he might have to sit down with Robin and the guys and talk to them about ending the show. Gary said that there are DJs around the country who steal stuff from the show and also claim that Howard is the one stealing from other guys. He said that Howard is the one who was doing stuff many years ago.
Howard said that there are some guys who do everything he does, including yelling about being ripped off. He said that the industry is very, very bizarre and there are a lot of clones out there. He said one guy was talking about how his father only made $20,000 a year just like he does, and then he goes on to talk about being ripped off. Gary said he likes how there are guys out there stealing his Baba Booey name. Robin said that if Howard leaves in 3 years, they will erase him and forget where the material came from originally.
Howard said that's a weird thing for a guy to get crazy over. He said that Hugh Downs hosted Concentration, a game show, for 5 years. He doesn't get what the big deal is. He said he thinks that he might have ''Hugh Downs Syndrome.''
Howard said he was reading an article about this guy Gary Axlebank who hosts a public access show and he actually knows a guy by that name. He said he worked with him at WRNW and actually hired him back when he was there. He said that all of the guys he hired back then never made it. He said he apparently didn't have an eye for talent. Howard said he remembers the guy's voice as being kind of odd but not much else.
Howard told Robin he doesn't want to look like a douche bag doing that show. He said last week she was on Jay Leno's show telling a story about cutting her finger and being rushed to the hospital and taking a shower before she went so she'd be clean for the doctors. He said it turns out it was all made up and there was no truth to it at all. He said he didn't know that you just make up stories like that when you go on a show like that.
Howard said he was home yesterday when he heard the verdict in this nanny court case. He and Robin talked about the case and what they thought about it. Howard said he was going to give his opinion quickly and not spend too much time on it. He was talking about how the girl and how if he were the parents of the kids, he'd get a gun and shoot that girl. He said that people seem to be identifying with these murderers. AT least the jury found her guilty.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a name for the Real Doll. He gave some wacky name and an explanation for it but Howard hung up on the guy in the middle of the call. Howard said he likes the name they have for her already, Celine Cohen.
Another caller said that he ran into Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins and asked him why he doesn't do the Stern Show. The guy said he gave Billy a hard time about not doing it so Howard and Robin said that must be awful for Billy to be just trying to hang out and he gets crap from guys like that.
Ian the Drunk called in and started rambling as he does every time he calls in. He was talking about Howard's shark tank and tried giving him some advice. Howard said that the problem with his tank was that the water was toxic and it was killing off his fish. He told Ian he had to take a break and hung up on him.
Howard said that he went out on the street and had Dean the Intern ask black people if they hate Jews and Jews if they hate black people. He played some of the tape of Dean doing those interviews and a Jamaican guy was saying that black people are lazy in general.
After playing some of that stuff Howard played a Crackhead Bob History moment where he's a bus driver and an air traffic controller. Robin and Jackie were laughing through that bit. Howard was also listening to a Fugees song that he really liked. He wondered what happened to the band and spent a short time talking about them. Howard said he thinks about a certain woman when he hears this one song but he didn't want to say who that woman is. He said he gets all teary eyed when he hears the song.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it seems like he's already done everything he can do in radio so maybe he should do something else. Howard said he feels that way every morning that he gets up at 4 o'clock morning. He said he asks himself why he doesn't do something else when he gets up. He ended up hanging up on the caller because he was a little bit annoying.
Howard went on to talk about how he is doing other things in his career. He's got his TV show, he's done a movie, he recorded Wipe Out with Jenny Jones, he'll be banging the Real Doll. Howard said he should have saved himself last night from beating off. He said he's going to be screwing that doll so he shouldn't have pleasured himself last night.
Howard talked about how to get out of speeding tickets by using a PBA card. He said that he got out of a ticket one time using one but you have to do it the right way. He said you have to tell the cop that your brother is ''on the job.'' Gary came in and said he got away with that twice in the past 3 years but his father got his PBA card taken away from him. He said his father got a hard ass cop and the guy called the precinct that he said the guy was working at and there was no one there by that name.
Howard said he got pulled over one time for doing 50 in a 30 zone. He said he wasn't the only one doing it though. He said he thought about the PBA card but wasn't sure if he should show it to him or not. He waited too long and the cop had already written up the ticket. Jackie said he doesn't have the nerve to pull out a PBA card so he just takes the ticket.
Gary said that he's used it and the cops change their attitude when you pull out that card. He said it changes everything when it comes out. Howard said Ronnie has all kinds of cards and shields that he uses to get out of tickets. Robin asked Gary why he's always speeding because he seems to get pulled over a lot. He said he doesn't speed all the time.
Howard had a guy on the phone claiming that he used to beat him up. He said that his cousin used to throw him down the stairwell. Howard said he had never heard of this guy when he gave his name. The guy claimed he didn't beat him up, he just harassed him. Howard told him he was a douche bag and never beat him up or harassed him. He hung up on him and moved on to the next bit.
Howard said that it's not all John's fault, the equipment they have there just sucks. He said that John is dumber than the sidewalk though. Gary got in touch with Doug Goodstein who told John what to say at one point but there seemed to be mass confusion down there eon the street. Howard told Gary to send someone down there and tell john what to say.
Howard eventually got John on a walkie talkie and tried to talk to him that way. He told John to tell the people that they could win a trip to San Francisco. John then started yelling out that he had a trip to give away. Howard told him to just find some people and bring him up there but he was smelling a disaster.
John found a guy to play so Howard had him ask the guy if he knew some songs like Madonna's ''Material Girl'' or Alanis Morissette's ''Ironic.'' The guy didn't know those but he did know ''Heard it Through The Grape Vine'' so Howard told him to just get that guy up there. He went to break after that.
Howard said he has three listeners there and they're going to listen to songs through headphones and sing along to them on the air. He spoke to the first guy who was going to be singing ''Like a Virgin'' by Madonna.
Howard had Gary setting this guy up to do his thing but they ended up arguing about the whole thing. The first guy eventually started to sing but Howard said it was the worst bit he had ever come up with.
Howard had the second guy trying to sing ''With Or Without You'' by U2. That guy didn't know the lyrics so he was having a problem getting the lines out. It was making Howard laugh though. He let the guy go through most of the song. He said they may have just found a lead singer for their band (The Losers). Howard eventually cut the guy off and said he thought that he was retarded or something during that song.
Howard had the third guy, Tommy, sing ''Heard it Through The Grape Vine.'' The guy went through it and had Robin and Howard laughing. Howard cut him off and said that he knew who he was voting for. He was going for the second guy and his ''With or Without You'' cover. The vote was unanimous so he was the winner. He had won tickets to San Francisco. Gary said he had tickets to Green Day if the guys wanted them. Howard talked to the guys for a short time and let them go.
Howard said he had Tim Sabean on the phone. He picked up the phone and Tim let out a ''Whooo Hooo'' and said that they had won. Howard said that Tim is like 50 years old and doing that stuff. He asked Tim how old he really is. Tim said that he's 42 now.
Tim said that he wanted to come up to pick up Howard to bring him down to this Metallica concert that they had won. Tim said that they're going to have a lot of fun down there but asked that people don't show up until 1 o'clock. He said Tim is a pisser and he really wants to get out of the business. Tim asked Robin and Howard if they wanted to come to the concert. Howard said he couldn't go. Tim told them they're the greatest and Howard let him go after that.
The caller said that his wife and the nanny sat on the couch and they went on to have sex for about 20 minutes. They eventually go into the bedroom and do their thing. The nanny has sex toys and brings them into the bedroom as well. Howard asked if he could see the tape. The caller said he could and Howard sounded thrilled about that.
The guy said that his kids were in school at the time. He said he got rid of the nanny but stayed with his wife. Howard figured that his wife is still with other chicks. The guy said they've decided to open up and share more and he's waiting to see what happens. Howard thanked the guy for the call after that. He was going to let him go but the guy brought up this movie that Alyssa Milano was in where she's topless. Howard said he had seen that but only the sex scene, not the rest of the movie. He went to break after that.
Howard said that he had some interviews that Gary Garver did for them from some event called the Love Ride. He said that the first one was with Jay Leno. Garver asked him some goofy questions like ''would you share a bottle of water with an AIDS patient?'' and things like that. Jay asked who he was with and Garver asked him what he thought of Howard. Jay said something nice about him and vanished. Bruce Jenner was up next. Garver asked him about interracial relationships and why are there so many gays in Hollywood plus a couple of others. The last question was ''Have you ever farted in your hand and smelled it?'' Bruce said ''never'' and ended the interview. Peter Fonda was the last interview. Garver got off a couple of questions and then Fonda ran off. He asked things like ''After the L.A. riots, do blacks scare you?'' and ''Did you ever get the fat sucked out of your ass?'' Fonda was done after that last one.
Howard said he got a letter from actor Robert Urich. Robin tried to remember what shows he had been on but Howard left her hanging. He said that Urich was writing to ask him to do a talk show that he's doing. Howard said it seemed to be a form letter so he figured it was sent out to every celebrity out there. He read through the letter where Urich talks about his surviving cancer and how he's going to try to do the best daytime talk show he can. The letter said that he could turn down the show on tape if he wanted because he was hoping that they'd have some celebrities doing that. Howard said he's not going to turn down a cancer patient on film.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up this Mancow guy out in Chicago and said that he's been goofing on him by sticking fake license plates and stuff on the guy's car. He said he put a fake plate that read ''STERN'' on his car once. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. He continued to talk about what a phony that Mancow is and spent a minute on that before moving on to Mark Harris.
Mark said that Martha's daughter got $50,000 out of the will but she would have gotten just one dollar if it wasn't for him. He convinced Martha to give her more. Howard asked Mark about his love making with Martha and how he did it at least two times. He asked Daveed if he knew that Mark had made love to a 90 year old woman. Daveed said he did know that. Mark interrupted and asked Howard about the Real Doll but Howard didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk to Mark about his life.
Howard asked Mark about what he did after Martha died. Mark had gone over to Europe and met Daveed. Mark said that was about 3 years later though. Daveed was playing his violin at the time so Howard had him reenact that moment. Daveed played his violin a little bit for them. Howard asked Mark what he sang with Daveed that night he met him. Mark said it was Broadway tunes but he didn't remember which ones because he was so drunk at the time.
Howard asked Daveed about how he got Mark into bed and got him undressed. Daveed said that Mark was a little overweight so Howard figured he was disgusted by him. They spent a few minutes going over all of that. They eventually realized that they could work together musically. Mark said they realized that almost immediately.
Howard was going to let Mark and Daveed perform a song but took some phone calls first. He also found out that Mark was actually born Mark Harris Bleefeld which he felt came off too German so he shortened it. He had Mark and Daveed start their song a short time after that. Daveed played his Violin over a music track while Mark sang ''Eternity.'' Jackie was laughing through the whole song. Fred was also letting out a few laughs while Mark was belting out the song.
Howard said the phones were lit up after the song. He took a couple of calls and let the fans comment on what they had just heard. One guy asked if his first wife was a lesbian. Mark said that was not true at all. He said that he wanted to know what this man's name was but the guy wouldn't give that information out. Some other callers told Mark he was awful and Gilbert Gottfried's singing Rabbi is better. Another guy said that his sphincter muscle tightened up when he heard Mark singing.
Howard let a few more callers through and said he didn't want Mark to get upset by taking more. Mark said it was all fine. Howard let a few more callers through to goof on Mark about his awful singing. Howard told Mark that he actually liked the performance. Robin said it was very interesting. Howard asked Daveed to play a little more for them before he wrapped up. Daveed played a little concerto on his violin and Howard told Mark to take off his clothes while he played. Howard said that Daveed really has some talent and he's not sure how he got saddled with Mark. He went to break a short time later.
The kid asked if you just walk up to them and ask. Howard said that's basically what you do. The kid was saying that he'd have safe sex if he did it with a prostitute. Howard told the guy that he can still get warts and stuff on his nuts. He told the kid to ask his dad instead. He said he really had to get going to do the news too. He was still talking about doing the Real Doll but he didn't think he'd get to it today.
Howard ran down a list of the great things about the Real Doll which included things like her not talking back, never being on the rag, no negotiations for any type of sex, she doesn't talk back and her entire family isn't coming over for Thanksgiving.
Howard was goofing on Steve Grillo a little bit because he'd heard some stories from him about the weapons that Saddam Hussein has over in Iraq. Grillo came in and said that he read about Saddam having these weapons that allow him to fly remote controlled planes over the troops and spray them with stuff. Jackie pointed out that they weren't even able to talk to Stuttering John down on the sidewalk earlier, so having a remote controlled plane like that might be kind of crazy.
Robin read through a bunch of stories and at one point Jackie was cracking himself up laughing at one of the stories that Robin had read. Robin brought up a story about tinnitus (hearing loss) and talked about how she was hit in the side of the head with a pipe when she was a kid and she's had a ringing in her ears since then. She said she's just learned to live with it. Steve Grillo talked about the noise he hears in his ears when things are quiet. Howard said he's afraid that he's losing his hearing because of his headphones being kept on too loud. He said that's why he's going to have to get out of radio in 3 years when his contract is up.
Howard asked Ozzy if it was true that he urinated on the Alamo. Ozzy told him to shut up and told him it was true. Howard said he had never heard that before though. He told Jack that he wished that Ozzy was his dad. His dad never did anything cool, he just yelled at him. Jack told Howard that they're going to see Starship Troopers today. Howard told Jack that he could make a ton of money selling stuff out of the house to the kids at school. He told him to take his father's glasses and sell them at school.
Howard asked if any famous people ever come over and hang at the house. Jack said there aren't that many. Ozzy asked Howard to promote this thing he had coming up today. That led to Howard asking about this new music video he's got out and Jack knew more about it than his father did. Howard told Jack that he's going to have some life. He has no idea how much fun it's going to be. He told him he has to play it right though.
Howard gave Ozzy a plug for his new album and talked to him a little bit about that. He mentioned that Ozzy was going to be doing the DJ thing there at the station today. Ozzy had no clue that's what he was there for. Howard wrapped up with them and let them go. He ended the show around 10:10am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard moved the guys on to talk about this woman they had coming in. He told them that they were going to ask questions to try and find out what her secret was. If they got a ''no'' answer then the next person would go. Howard also spoke to Mr. Shatner about his penis for a few seconds before moving on to talk to the woman with the secret.
Howard had the guys ask the woman a bunch of questions but all they got were ''no'' answers from her. Howard let that go on for a short time before he had to interrupt and just tell them what her secret was. It turns out the woman is able to smoke a cigarette with her private parts. In other words she has a smoking vagina. She demonstrated this talent and amazed everyone in the room. It must have been a hell of a sight because Howard yelled out ''Unbelievable!'' when he saw it. He said that she inhaled and exhaled the smoke!