|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about the opening theme song, The Great American Nightmare, he and Rob Zombie did together. Howard said Rob didn't understand why he wasn't able to sing the song. Howard said he didn't know he wasn't a singer. Howard said Rob does this thing with his voice that hurts his throat when he tries it. Howard said he sings in a different way. Howard said he started singing in a different way and he lost his voice. He had to whisper the song. Howard said Rob told him to sing like he sings on the air but he was also asking him to sing the same way Rob does. Howard said he blew his voice out doing that.
Howard said he wasn't going to blow his voice out for a song. He said he's only on two lines of the song because of that. He said that just wasn't for him. He said the song is great but it's mostly Rob singing. Howard said Rob is such a nice guy that he didn't tell him he did horrible. Howard said he has to thank him for that.
Howard said first thing up today is the shooting in Colorado at the Batman movie. He said the most shocking thing was that there was a 6 year old at a midnight showing of a movie. Howard said it's weird that parents take their kids to adult movies. Robin said there were a lot of kids there. She said there were toddlers there. Howard said he knows it's not the point of the story but a 6 year old died at that theater. Robin said she should have been in bed. Howard said Batman is a scary movie too.
Howard said he went to see the Avengers and there was woman with her grandkids there. the kids told her they were scared and she told them to just relax and watch and see how it goes. Howard said that's just not right.
Robin said she saw a guy at a movie who had Tourette's. She said he was moaning through the movie. Howard said if you have that then maybe you should wait until it comes out on DVD. Howard said they could have a special screening for Tourette's and children.
Howard said Richard told him he saw ''Drag me to Hell'' and there was an infant at the movie in a stroller. Howard said the parents end up sitting there trying to quiet the child down. Howard said he gets that they had kids and they didn't know what they were in for. Robin asked if they've ever heard of a babysitter. Howard said he gets that they were free individuals and they loved going to the movies. Then the kid came and they were like ''Fuck... I can't do anything anymore, my live is over.'' Howard said he gets it but the party is over dude. Howard said they should get a good job and pay someone to take care of that kid. Howard said they're ruining his night out.
Robin asked if the people who run the theaters say anything. Howard said they don't. Howard said they're not legally allowed to tell you it's inappropriate. Howard said they have a full theater and they could kick them out but they'll end up getting sued if they stop you from going in. Howard said the next thing you know you're on FOX News arguing with Judge Pirro.
Howard said he was watching the coverage of the shooting in Colorado and there is no new information after 20 minutes. He said it's the same thing over and over for the next 5 hours. He said they scramble to interview everyone and anyone. Howard said he heard that Captain Janks made a prank call during the coverage and he knows people are upset with him but he chooses to see it as the news organizations not checking their facts. Howard said Captain Janks doesn't take anything away from the tragedy. He said the news coverage is laughable.
Howard said after that initial 10-15 minutes of coverage they don't know who to get on there. He said that they end up getting people on who talk about how to make bombs and things like that.
Howard said this Judge Pirro had a smile on her face reporting on this story. Howard said she's interviewing a woman who once met the Joker character in a convenience store for a few seconds. Howard said she's seen him in the neighborhood a few times. Howard said Pirro was asking if she had seen the Joker and what he was doing. The woman explained that he she didn't know him that well. She was asked what he would eat and things like that. Howard said it's useless information.
Howard said the real story there is that the President of the United States and Mitt Romney are so pussy whipped by the NRA that neither of them will get up and say they need a full ban on assault weapons. Howard said those weapons aren't for hunting. Robin said they say the gun misfired so that may have saved some people. Robin said we do need some safeguards and take some tests. Howard said that he watches Falling Skies and they have to have assault weapons so they can fight aliens. Aside from that we really don't need legalized assault weapons. Howard said that both of those guys are too afraid of the NRA to say anything. Robin asked why they're so powerful. Howard said there is a huge amount of guys who hunt that are afraid that their hunting rights are going to be taken away.
Howard said that they would be really doing something if they came out against the assault weapons. Howard said someone was asking in the paper about someone pulling off a mass murder and someone else takes him out. Howard said he saw a video online recently and this old dude shot some guys who were robbing a store. He said that's a case where a carry weapon may have saved a bunch of people from dying. Howard said that he doesn't get why it's legal to get assault weapons through the mail. He said that guy, James Holmes, had all kinds of chemicals and weapons in his apartment. Howard said even if he didn't have that assault weapon he could have done something to kill those people. He said it's crazy.
Howard said the mad scramble to get people on TV was crazy too. He said that they should have a contest to figure out who the craziest person was that they got on the news. He said the one he saw was that woman who saw Holmes at the convenience store. Howard said that he knows parents weren't sending their kids to see Batman because they were afraid of a copycat. He said he understands that but they put so much work into the movie and they held back the numbers for what they made. Howard said it's one guy with so much power. Robin said it wasn't the movie that did this. Howard said they canceled the premier in Paris because of that.
Robin asked what they should do on the opening weekend of a movie like that. Robin said they didn't know what to do. Howard said that's because everyone is so politically correct. Howard said the studio didn't know if they should keep the movie going. He said it was giving this guy too much power. He said that this lunatic is controlling the movie industry. Howard said he wishes that the cops had killed this guy. He said the guy is such a screwball that he wired the apartment to blast his stereo. He said he wanted people to burst into the apartment and that would distract them while he got away. Howard said he heard he was dressed in body armor so he obviously didn't want to die. Robin said he's all lawyer'd up too.
Howard said if they give him one of those insanity pleas... He said that it's tough to get one in Colorado from what he heard. He said that he found out that they may not be able to get him that. He said they were going to put him in general population and they had to put him in solitary because the other criminals were going to kill him. Robin said that struck her as crazy. She said that's barbaric. Howard said the reason they hate him is that he killed a kid. They hate kid killers.
Howard said the reason he had body armor on was because he was dressed as a SWAT cop. He said he wanted to blend in with the SWAT guys and get away. Howard said the thing that gave him away was the fact that he was wearing a groin protector and most assault guys don't wear that. Howard said it restricts their movement. Howard said he has read one article on this and he has all the information he needs. He said all of the TV coverage is absolutely bizarre. He said when it gets down to interviewing a woman who got snacks at the same place as him, it's just bizarre.
Howard said they had a dating profile for this guy that they went over in the news. Howard said he read about this in the article he read this morning. Howard said the guy took this model's picture and photoshopped his picture next to her's as if he was her boyfriend. Howard said once you get that stink of model pussy on you then you get more. Howard said he was a member on AdultFriendFinder.com and some other dating site. Benjy said he's heard of that site. Gary said that's the site that Christie Brinkley's ex made famous. That's where he was getting his hook ups.
Howard said it's a crazy story. Robin said that kid was like a crazy genius. He won some scholarship that only like 6 people get. She said he must have wigged out.
Howard said he got into some stuff with himself that he can't even explain. He said his dog used to hang out in his office when he'd be working in there. He said he had a metal water dish outside his door for her to drink from. He said he wondered why he didn't have a bigger set up for her up there. He said he should have had a big dish. Howard said he had this dish and he became obsessive about it. Howard said if he was a dog he was at the mercy of people. He said when the dog would drink there would be slobber and goo in there. He said she should have her water dish changed every time she had water. Howard said he loves cold water and he would want her to have that. He said he felt that's what she wanted. Howard said when he'd see the little metal dish he'd change the water. He said when he got up in the morning he'd change it. He said an hour later he'd change it again even if she didn't drink from it. He wanted to make it fresh for her. Howard said that was his way of caring for the dog.
Howard said he got home at like 1 in the morning after doing America's Got Talent. Howard said he walked in the house and went over to where she died. Howard said his cat was sitting vigil over that. Howard said the dog had thrown up and he could see a stain on the carpet. He said he wanted to touch the ground where she died so he did that. Howard said he found himself talking to his cat over the dog's death and he was crying like a baby.
Howard said he went upstairs to change out of his America's Got Talent, John Varvatos clothes. He said that he lost it when he saw the water dish up there by his office. He said hew as over the top distraught. Howard said in a moment of grief he went over to the dish and changed the water. He said he knew it made no sense but it gave him comfort to do it. Howard said the next day he and Beth were discussing removing her beds. He said they had beds all over the house. He said they used to annoy the shit out of him. Howard said the beds were huge and they were taking up a lot of space. He said he kept them around though. He said that Bianca had a toy that she'd play with there too.
Howard said they had these beds all over the place and Beth said she couldn't bare to give them up. Howard said he didn't think he was going to be that guy who would be like that but he wanted to hold the dog's fur that was in the bed. He said that's just what he needed to do. Robin said she can understand that.
Howard said it was so difficult and it was all met with tears. He said they have giant pictures of the dog all over the house. He said they have one picture from when they bought the land for his house. He said that the builder had them climb up on the ladder to see what the view would be like. He said the guy took a picture of them on the ladder and Bianca was there with them. He said they were planning this future home together and the dog was there. Howard said they were wondering where they would put the dog door. He said the guy thought they were nuts.
Howard said that dog was like their child. He said the reason Beth moved in with him was because of the dog. He said they were going back and forth with the dog from his apartment to her's so she moved in with him.
Howard said they have another picture of Bianca from Robin's party and things like that. He said they have tons of pictures of the dog.
Howard said Beth couldn't move the beds so they left them out. They had Bianca cremated and he thought he'd be burying the ashes but they decided to keep her in their bedroom. He said they have this tiny box with her ashes in it. He said he can't even think about someone shoveling her ashes into that box. Howard said he had to do AGT that night so Beth had to handle all of that. Howard said he wasn't able to put away all of her stuff. He said he didn't know what to do with her stuff. Howard said they went over to get Bianca's ashes and they put her in an urn. He said he told Beth that he might have a place for her water dish. He said he emptied that out and dried it. He said he put it in the urn. He said it was pretty big so he was able to fit it in there.
Howard had to stop telling the story because he was breaking down. He said they had to have some sort of closure for him. He said that they left the beds out for now. He said he kissed the box and it was just so brutal. He said he loved that dog. Howard said there were days when he thought about how much of a pain in the ass the dog was.
Howard said he had people over the other day to get clothes for AGT. He said there were 5 people there and Bianca loved it. He said that was just two Monday's ago. Howard said she was on her back and wanting everyone to play with her. Howard said he was afraid she was going to get stepped on. Howard said she didn't care and she just wanted the attention. Howard said he was obsessed with her getting hurt and it made him nuts.
Howard said he had Bianca resting her head on his shoe in the car one day and he wanted her to move but now he wants her back to annoy the shit out of him.
Howard said he used to watch TV in the city apartment and they have a ton of her stuff there too. He said that he moved her bed out of his office and put it in another room. He said he put it in a closet and Beth was thinking about donating it to a shelter or something. He said in the meantime they're keeping them around. He said they put all of this stuff in the closet and then Beth went into the room where they watch TV and they had a basket of Bianca's toys. Howard said he had to put it away because Beth wasn't able to do it. Howard said the toys were such a pain in the ass. He said the dog would want to play with the toys when he'd bring her in. Howard said they all brought back memories. Howard said she had this red ball that lit up and she loved carrying it around. He said he dropped the ball and it lit up so it brought back memories. He said he had a headache from crying so much about his dog. He wondered how the pain was going to go away. He said he wasn't sure how he was going to feel normal again.
Howard said he got a note from a friend about the kind of books you can read to get over all of this. He said that she told him that the books would help him get through it. He said he hates reading so he's not sure how they'll help. Robin said maybe it will help. Howard said he's not sure how he's going to find time to read. Robin said maybe he can do it in the car on his way to AGT. Howard said he watches TV in the car.
Howard said he used to take the dog on winter walks in the dark and cold. He said he's trying to figure out a way to get past this. He said that they're not going to do that anymore. Howard said Beth still loved those walks. Howard said the dog needs to be cold so they have to run the air conditioning in the house. He said that they didn't want the dog to be too warm so now they can keep the house at a reasonable temperature. Howard said at least they're warm now. Howard said that's not helping but they have to think of some positives there.
Howard said they're trying to get over this. Robin said it won't go away in a day. Howard said they really loved that dog. He said seeing the ashes in a box was tough. Howard said they just can't believe it. He said she was just there last week. He said that the dog would smile when she was in the water on the beach. Howard said they saw two guys walking on the beach when they were taking her on her last walk. He said the guys were staring at them and he thought they were looking at him but Beth convinced him that they were watching the dog. He said she can't swim and she'd put her paws in the water like she was swimming but she wasn't.
Robin said they had some amazing years. Howard said they were amazing. Robin said it helped Howard open up a lot. Howard said he has. Robin said they don't live as long as we do. She said that when you have a pet in your life they don't last as long as people. She said that's one thing you have to remember.
Howard said Robin can't swim either. He said she stands on her toes and thinks she's swimming too.
Howard said Beth is really having a tough time with this. He said she was the one who took care of the dog. Howard said she's wondering what her purpose in life is now. Howard said Bianca has done something really good in her death though. He said she used to go on TV with Beth and one of the nice things that happened was that people were making donations in her name to the North Shore Animal League. Howard said he wanted to thank those people. He said that Rachel Ray pledged $10,000 in her name. Howard said that was very nice of her to do. Howard said Ellen Pompeo from Grey's Anatomy donated money too. He said that Billy Joel and some other people made donations as well. Howard said Sharon Osbourne sent flowers and so did Pat Manocchia.
Howard said Beth just agreed to do a show about dogs for Nat-Geo Wild this fall. He said that he got some rally beautiful emails about the whole thing and it was very nice. Howard said Beth told him that Us Weekly made a donation in Bianca's name too. Howard said he knows that a lot of listeners donated too. He said it was very sweet. Howard said he won't bore everyone with the details but it hasn't been easy for them.
Robin said there were people who were saved when guys jumped on top of their girlfriends. Howard said that's really heroic and he'd never do that. He said he would use women and children as shields. Howard said he's afraid that's not a joke.
Howard said he heard that Jason's cousin was in the theater in Colorado. He had Jason come in to talk about that. Jason said he went to the midnight screening too. He said he had people there talking through the movie and he would have said something but the guys had 18 inch arms.
Howard asked what happened with his cousin. Jason said she was in the front row at first but she moved. He said that she heard the gun shots and she hit the floor. She thought that it was part of the movie and then people started running out. Jason said she heard the firing stop and someone behind her grabbed her and pulled her out of the theater. She isn't even sure who the guy was. Jason said that she wasn't sure who did it and she tried to find him in the parking lot after it happened but she wasn't able to.
Robin said she heard about a guy who lost his girlfriend and their kids. He ended up proposing to her out in the parking lot when he was reunited with her. Jason said that his cousin is fine and he'd like to thank the person who pulled her out of the theater.
Jason said he saw the movie and he liked it. He said his cousin told him that she may never go to a movie theater again. Jason said he talked to her about the movie and she wants to see it but she won't see it in the theater. She told Jason that she can't imagine ever going into a theater again.
Jason said he's done with theaters after those guys talked through Batman. Howard said he thinks he's done after what he went through with the annoying kids at the last movie he saw. Robin sounded shocked about that. Howard said he hates 3D so he won't miss that at the theaters. Jason said he's with him on that too.
Howard said he heard about this thing where you can get movies in your house but you have to pay like $1,000 per movie. Howard said he was thinking about it but then he just said ''fuck you'' to that. Robin said there are some people who enjoy the big screen experience. Howard said there will still be theaters. He said that Robin and her 3 friends can go.
Jason said there should be security in the movies so you can get people to come and shut people up if they're talking during the movie. Howard said people used to shoot the screens in Roosevelt. He said it was nuts. Howard said they had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said he found it funny when Russell Brand was on and talking about the wheelchair porn thing. He said that he must have read about 100 stories about him having wheelchair sex and he was obviously joking about that. He said that they wrote about it like it was a real thing though. Howard said Russell and Katy were together for like 15 minutes according to what he was saying. Howard said he doesn't know that they were that attached.
Howard said he's not anti-gun but there is a certain level where you know you're not buying an assault weapon to go hunting. Howard said he doesn't get why Obama and Romney won't come out against them. He said that just doesn't make sense. He said he thinks the President should use this opportunity to come out against them.
Howard said he was talking about how absurd it is when they get these people on the news to talk about the shootings in Colorado and he saw this one woman on the Janine Pirro show on FOX News. He said they found a woman who met this Joker in a convenience store. She was saying that he was a very quiet guy. Howard said of course he was if she was a stranger. Howard said JD found the clip he was talking about.
Howard played the clip and the woman was talking about the food this guy James Holmes was eating. Howard said that this interview is bizarre. Howard played the clip again and they were asking what he was eating and if he was ever on the phone. Robin wondered why they'd ask that question. Howard jokingly said in the next segment they found a guy who knew Hitler and he liked Hersey's Kisses and Root Beer.
Howard played more of the clip and the dopey Pirro asked if this was before the shootings. Howard said of course it was. Howard asked how it could be after. Howard said this is how Captain Janks gets on the air. He said that they're so desperate to have someone on they don't check their sources. Howard played more of the clip and Pirro was asking if there was any indication that this guy was going to snap. The woman said she didn't see anything.
Howard said that radio used to be such an important medium. He said terrestrial is just about dead now. Howard said that people used to tune in to hear what was going on in the news but not anymore. Howard said you can get everything on your computer now. He said you can get it on your computer or satellite now. Howard said the actual radio that he and Robin grew up on is almost dead. He said that he's not sure who listens to Rush Limbaugh but this guy is a clown. He said the stuff he hears is crazy. He said Rush is just stupid.
Howard played a clip of Rush talking about the Batman movie like he had never heard of such a thing. Howard said he obviously knows the name and he's just doing this as a bit. Howard played more of the bit and Rush was talking about the villain in the movie being named Bane. Howard said this character has been around forever. He said that they should throw this guy off the air. Rush goes on to talk about how this character Bane is also the name of the company that Romney ran. Rush said the movie has been in the works for a long time and it's not accidental that they named this character after that company. Howard said this is ridiculous. He said that Rush is out of his mind. Howard said he's not sure why anyone would listen to this guy who flunked out of college.
Howard said this character Bane has been around for at least 25 years. Gary said Steve Brandano told him that he first appeared in 1993. Howard said he had to do some math then. Howard went through the steps and tried to figure out how many years it was. He came up with 190 years. Robin laughed. Howard said it's actually 19 years. Robin said it's 2012 so he could have done the math much quicker. Howard said Robin is good at math. He said he never thought to do it that way. He said he gets lost in there somewhere. He said he liked the way he did it better.
Howard played more of the Rush Limbaugh clip and Rush was saying that this movie was made to confuse the voters to make them vote against Romney when they think of Bane and Bane Capital. Howard said this guy is out of his mind. Robin said that is pretty crazy thinking.
Howard said Rush says something even more bizarre. He played a clip that Richard edited together where Rush talks about blowing black men. He had a few others that he quickly went through.
Robin said that Elton John is putting out a new book and he thinks of Rush as a friend. She said he doesn't believe that he's really against gay marriage. Robin wondered what's wrong with Elton. She said that bothers her. Howard said that would make it worse if he was just doing it for the air. Robin said he's making money on hate. Howard jokingly said that Hitler really liked the news but he went against his better judgment and came out publicly against them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's a cartoon called Black Dynamite and he told Howard about some of the stuff in that. Howard said he didn't care about that. The caller said that he heard Benjy broke up with is girlfriend. Benjy said that is not true. Howard asked if she lists herself as single on Facebook. Benjy said no to that too. Benjy said they were fucking around with uploading pictures on Facebook last night. Howard said he doesn't think he wants to know more. He said it sounds like they're having so much fun together. He wasn't sure how uploading pictures would affect her relationship status on Facebook. He went to break right after that.
Howard came back and took a call from Eric the Actor. Eric said he had a question about Bianca. He said he's sorry for Howard's loss. Howard said that's nice. Eric said he's going to make a donation on August 1st to North Shore. Howard said he knows that's the date he gets his check. Howard asked Eric if he wanted one of her beds to sleep in. Eric said no thank you to that offer. Howard said he has a drinking bowl too. Howard thanked Eric for that offer.
Eric said he has been through that. He said they lost their German Sheppard in 2004. He said his parents still have the ashes in their closet on a shelf. Howard said he knows Eric also wrote Dougie the Puggie. Howard said that could have been a best seller but he never got that going. Eric said he's still trying to get it published but Johnny is lagging. Howard said Johnny should have had it made into a movie already. Eric said Johnny is spending a lot of time on set with Scott Baio and Jason Hervey on something they're working on. Robin said she was shocked that they were on a set at all.
Howard said Eric quit doing his America's Got Talent Wrap UP Show. He said he did that because of the negativity. Eric said it's not completely canceled. He said that the show will come back at some point. He said it's on hiatus. Howard said that's good. He said he's looking forward to it coming back.
Robin wondered if he would be part of Jason and Mike's AGT wrap up show. Eric said he has been calling into their show. Howard said Eric's show was brutal to listen to. He played an example of the show where the audio quality wasn't all that great. Howard said it was riveting to listen to.
Howard said he thinks this week is going to be the best week of AGT shows. He said they have Horse and the Human Cannonball guy and also the Earth Harp guy. Eric said he's not sure what else the guy can do. Howard said he told him he should shoot himself over Niagara Falls or something. Howard said he has to do something dangerous. He said maybe he can combine with Horse the kick-in-the-nuts guy. Eric said that cannonball guy is like the diving guy that was on last season. Howard said he could do some cool stuff though. He said he could jump over alligators or something.
Howard said this week is going to be good but also tough because there are so many good contestants. He said that he's been arguing with Howie and Sharon about that one guy who sings the TV theme songs. Howard said he thinks there may be another eruption this week over that guy. He said he sings the theme from Love Boat poorly and he thinks that it might be white guilt that got him through. Howard said he doesn't mind telling the guy he has no talent. Robin said they told plenty of black people they have no talent. Howard said he thinks it's some kind of feel good thing. Howard said he looks like a guy who would take shit from white people. Howard said he's trying to figure out their attraction to that guy. Robin said Howie likes the quirky kind of acts. Howard said Howie claims he'd go see that guy before other singers but you know he wouldn't. Eric said he thinks that Howie should bring him and Big Barry to his stand-up gigs. Howard said Howie is going to do that but it doesn't cost him anything to do that.
Robin what happened to that little kid that Ellen discovered on her show. Howard said that stuff takes time and she did back him. Robin said he'd be better off on AGT than with her. Howard said maybe he'll talk to Ellen about that. He said he might be able to negotiate. Robin said he'll be 20 years old and no longer cute by the time anything happens.
Howard talked about the band that he liked that Howie and Sharon voted against. Howard said he couldn't believe that. He said he likes the bike team but that's not as good as the band. Howard said that band was good and they were like a cross between rock and rap. He said he saw them on the red carpet after and just said ''Jesus... ''' and they said something like ''We feel your love.'' Howard said they got beat by a bunch of guys who ride bicycles. Robin said she wouldn't pay to go see guys riding bicycles.
Howard said his pants are too tight. He said that his balls are smashed. He said he was complaining about his pants being too tight recently so Sal and Richard took clips of that and made some calls. Howard tired to say goodbye to Eric but Eric had another question. He told Howard to ask his agent to have them do the show on Wednesday and Thursday so he doesn't have to deal with working the next day. Howard said that's a good point. Eric said ''Huh?'' like he couldn't believe that Howard agreed with him.
Howard played the prank call Sal and Richard made to a dry cleaning place using clips of him complaining about his pants shrinking. They had Howard complaining about his pants shrinking and his balls getting scrunched into them. The dry cleaning woman was saying they don't dry pants and then started laughing when he was talking about his balls being smashed and his tiny penis. They had Howard complaining about his belly hanging over them and how huge he is. Howard said he was just trying to get it worked out. The woman ended up hanging up on him. Howard said she was no help at all. Howard said she just laughed at his cock and balls. They went to break after that.
Howard said he read that Green Acres is going to be a play on Broadway. He said he hated the original TV show. He said that he liked the pig but he hated Eva Gabor. Howard and Robin talked about that for a minute.
Howard said he can imagine what this musical is going to be like. He started to sing about Arnold the pig. Then he sang about Spider-Man since that's a musical. Fred played some music and Howard made up the lyrics to the Spider-Man musical.
Howard sang about Spider-Man and how he doesn't like to eat insects even though he's a spider. Howard threw in a bunch of references to Spider-Man's life and things like that. Howard ended the song with ''Fuckin' asshole...''
Robin said that Richie Wilson told her that if Spider-Man was really a spider he'd be shooting webs out of his ass. Howard said he made his own webs in the lab though. Robin said in the movies they have him shooting them out of his wrists though.
Howard made up some stuff for the Green Acres musical. He sang about his wife as Howard played some music. Howard was making up lyrics about his wife loving the city instead of the country. He had Mr. Haney come in and then Eva Gabor's character comes in and sings about the city life.
Howard said he won't go through the whole play but you can imagine the horror of that play. Robin said people should stay away. Howard said he can picture what people will be wearing too. Robin said they had a play in London that had an animatronics pig in it. She said she's sure that's what they'll do with this play. Howard ended up singing more.
Howard said these plays are for morons. Robin said she can't believe they're making a musical about Green Acres.
The caller also brought up Fred Willard and how he got caught allegedly jerking off in an adult movie theater. Howard said he wasn't a big fan of Fred's show ''Fernwood Tonight'' but he is a funny guy. Robin said she thinks Fred is really funny.
Howard said Fred Willard got caught in a porno theater and that sentence alone is weird. Howard wondered who is going to those theaters. He said that they must be going to meet other dudes there or something. He said he's not sure if Fred is gay or straight. Fred told Howard that Willard is married. Robin said that doesn't mean anything.
Howard said he's not sure why the cops are so busy monitoring these places. Robin said they say that he had his pants down around his knees and his private parts were up. Howard said he thought that's what the whole point of those theaters was.
Howard had Sal come in to talk about it. Sal said he has been to the theaters and he went to one where all of the guys were jerking off. He said that they were watching straight porn in this theater. He said they weren't looking to hook up with each other. They were just looking to get off. Howard said Fred is lucky that the shootings happened because that got him off the front page of the news. The caller said he thinks that the cops were looking for their own fun when they caught Fred Willard.
Howard said Willard was fired from some PBS show. Robin said the show was Market Warriors. They fired him from the show where he did voice overs. Howard said he can't believe that they can't keep him on when Charlie Sheen got away with all of the stuff he got away with.
Howard wondered who would go to a theater to beat off. He said he'd just beat off in the bathroom. Sal said that's what he does now that he has the technology to do it. He said he used to beat off to his Blackberry.
Howard said he feels bad for Fred Willard. He said it doesn't seem like the crime of the century. Howard said that he's amazed that the guy still wants to beat off at that age. Some reports say that he's 78 years old. Gary said Fred is a big fan of the show. He said that Richard fond him and gave him a tour of the studio. Howard said he had no idea he was beating off. Gary said he was arrested years ago on a lewd behavior charge but they didn't elaborate on what the charge was.
The caller said that Pee Wee Herman got his career back after he got caught in the same place. Howard said Pee Wee wanted to ruin his career. He said it would be great if Fred Willard just started beating off everywhere. Howard said he'd like to know where else he beats off. He told Gary to book the guy for the show. The caller said he'd love that. The caller wondered if he would still want to bang a chick at the age of 72. Howard said he wont want to bang a 72 year old.
Howard pretended to be Fred Willard calling the show and jerking off as he talked to Robin. He made the jerking off sound with his cheek.
Howard said there's a new thing going on with porn stars. He said they had this porn star Bibi Jones on the show and she was talking about how she's quitting porn. She read a book called ''The Power of Now'' and she's quitting porn. Howard said he thinks that she'll be back though. Howard said the announcement is so incredibly dull. He said if she's not naked it's insufferable to listen to. Howard played the audio for Robin and told her to try and get through this. Bibi was talking about how she's known as the super slut. Then she pauses for a few seconds and Howard says ''Hello?'' Howard said she's quitting porn and she didn't even get through the whole book yet. Howard said that book is dangerous.
Howard played more of Bibi and she starts to read a page out of the book. Howard said that's when he shut it off. Howard played another clip where Bibi talks about how unhappy she's been the last couple of months. Howard said she sounds like she has a big cock in her mouth when she talks. Robin said it's that vocal fry thing that she's doing. Howard let the clip play and Bibi talks about how she has to look at the big picture and porn doesn't last forever. Howard and Robin were making fun of the way she was speaking and goofed on that a little bit.
Howard said there's no way she can do anything but porn. He did an impression of her that sounded like she had a cock in her mouth as she spoke. Howard said she's going to run Yahoo next.
Howard said it sounds like she said she was doing this for her hole. She said ''health'' but it sounded like ''hole'' with the lazy way she was speaking.
JD came in and said that she's still taking naked pics on Twitter. He said that she's in a relationship with a guy and a girl. Howard said he thinks she'll be back in porn soon.
Howard played more of Bibi talking about why she's getting out. She said she was promised a lot of things. She said she just can't do it anymore. She said she's sorry if she's making this really traumatic. Howard said it wasn't this emotional when Nixon resigned.
Bibi says she's only 20 years old and Howard thought she said twelve. Bibi was talking about how she has to get out of this industry and Howard kept goofing on the way she was speaking. Howard did his impression of the vocal fry and then cut it off. He said that's all he's going to play for now. He said he might have to read that book she's talking about.
Hanzi said he thinks that the Colorado shooting thing was a set up so they can take away more of people's rights. He said that most serial killer cases have something to do with satanic cults and stuff. Robin said he can keep working on that. Howard said everything sets him off. Fred played some audio that they edited together of him freaking out from past calls. Howard asked what was wrong with him. Hanzi said those were sound drops.
Hanzi said he wants to come in and write for him for a week. Howard said he got a lot of letters from guys like Kidd Chris talking about Benjy. He said he had a pretty funny letter from Chris. Howard read the letter and Chris was talking about the shitty jobs he's had in his radio career. He said Benjy doesn't know what he's got and he doesn't appreciate it. Howard said that Chris has gone through a lot of jobs and he told him that Benjy has no idea how good he has it. Howard said Chris puts in crazy hours at his job. He said that Benjy needs a motivational speech.
Howard said Tony Robbins had a seminar where they had people walking on hot coals. He said that they had 20 people suffer burns on their feet from that. Howard read an article about that. Howard said that they're all probably thinking they're failures because they weren't able to do it. Howard read about all of that and had a laugh over it.
Howard said Eric the Actor has to bring back his AGT wrap up show. Howard said he never ends up talking about AGT. He talks about himself through most of it. Howard played a clip from the show where Eric was talking about his favorite kind of pizza. Howard said people must think that their radios are broken when his sentence breaks up. Eric was talking about how he likes plain cheese but then he talks about liking Canadian bacon and bacon ham. Howard was confused by that. Howard said he thought that was the same thing. Fred said it's different types of ham.
In the clip Eric talks about banning someone from the chat room he was in. Howard said that's when Eric gets confused by reading the web while he's trying to talk. Eric banned someone and said ''Ha ha'' after doing it.
Howard said he can't let that show go away. JD said that he had some technical problems with his last show and that lasted longer than the show itself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that banning assault weapons isn't going to stop people from killing other people. Howard said there is no intelligent reason to have an assault rifle. The caller said he has one and he just goes out and shoots them. Howard asked why they need those weapons. Howard said he's not anti-gun but there is no need for those kind of guns. The caller said people like those kind of guns. He said that guy could have killed people with a bomb instead. Howard said if he had a nuclear weapon he could have killed even more. He said that's why we don't sell nuclear weapons.
Howard said it seems to him that people get off on shooting people while holding these guns. Howard said they also make heroes out of these people. Robin said the coverage is going on for hours today because he's going to court today. Howard said they end up interviewing people who saw him buying food one day. That's what it's come down to.
Howard said that Obama and Romney are pussies for not coming out against assault weapons. Howard said that if he was President he would put a ban on them and he'd also use the military to bomb Syria and wipe if off the map. He said map makers would love him because he'd wipe so many off the map.
That led to Howard wanting to listen to the top 5 songs. He got his list and went through the songs. He said the number 5 song was shitty. He said that the number 4 song was by Gotye. Howard said that was even shittier. Howard said that Katy Perry was number 3 and that was about how Russell Brand screwed her over. Maroon 5 was number 2 with Payphone so Howard played some of that. Howard said number 1 is by Carly Rae Jepsen. He played some of her song and Benjy said that was a Bob Dylan song. Fred said it is not. Benjy said that's what he was told. Fred said it wasn't written by Bob Dylan. He was looking at the information right there. Benjy was still arguing. Howard said that wouldn't be a bad idea to do that with a Dylan song.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he watched The Bachelorette. Howard said he did see the 3 hour finale. He said that he's been watching it all along but he wasn't going to help them by saying that. He said they were up against the show during the week with AGT. Howard said that the Bachelorette is so dumb. He said she has nothing to say. He said she can barely talk or explain herself. Howard said that he would marry her though. He said she's hot. Howard said she's really hot and who needs her talking.
The caller said the guy on the show was a douche too. Howard said that her pick was so calculated. Howard said the guy comes from a family with millions. Howard said that he comes from a family with a lot of money and that's why she picked him. Howard said the guy is on the show because he doesn't have to work. Howard said the parents are so rich that they didn't even want to come on TV to ruin their lives. Howard said it was pretty obvious what was going down in his opinion.
Howard asked the caller if he had ever won anything on the show. He said he hadn't. Howard said he's going to give him the chance to win $1,000. Howard said he had a quick Dead or Alive game to play. Howard said this is Robin's favorite. Howard said he had Ernest Borgnine on the list but he just died recently. Howard told Gary to come in with the game. Howard said Gary said he was going to do it but where is he? Gary came in a few seconds later.
Howard said he has Steve on the phone and he either gets it right or wrong. Just one question. They gave him a sample question first. Gary said Abe Vigoda. Steve said that he's dead. Gary said Abe is still alive. He said Steve would have lost.
Gary asked the guy if he thinks that John Astin, from the Addams Family, is alive or dead. Howard said he knows the answer to this one. Steve said he thinks that he's alive. Howard asked if he's sure he wants to say he's alive. Howard told him to really think this through. Howard said Raul Julia is dead and he was in the movie version of the show. Steve's phone went dead so they lost him. Gary said they can't give him the prize if he lost his connection. Steve Brandano said he could get him back. They tried calling Steve back. Howard said he thinks he should lose based on that phone connection.
Howard said they should give him the money. He said that John Astin is dead. Gary said he's not dead. He said he's 80 years old. Howard got Steve back on the line and asked what happened. Steve said he got disconnected.
Howard said they're going to disqualify him from that question. He said Gary swears that he's alive. Fred said he's actually 82 years old. He was born in 1930.
Howard had Gary read another one. Gary asked Steve if Pat Morita is alive or dead. Steve said he's dead. He said he's almost positive he's dead. Gary said that he died in 2005 so he won. Howard said that was an easy one. Howard said that was too easy. He said everyone knows that one. Gary said they do not. They went to break after that.
Howard and Jon talked about Bianca dying and how Jon has a dog that is barely a dog. Jon said his dog is only 14 pounds. He said he wanted a big dog but his wife and kids wanted this kind of dog. Howard said it looks like a guinea pig. Robin said that she had a friend bring a dog over once and her cats didn't know what to make of it.
Howard said that someone has shit on the floor in the bathroom. Howard said they didn't just shit on the floor, they shit all over the bowl. Howard said he has never shit like that in his life. Howard asked Gary who was in there.
Gary came in and said that Doug Goodstein discovered it at 8:40. He said that Gregg who works on the TV show didn't see it but he smelled the odor. Gary said that Gregg may not have seen it but he smelled it. He said the person before him at 8:17 was Tim Sabean. Gary said the person before him was Benjy. Howard said he'd like to know how he shits. Gary said about 3 weeks ago they had a horrible smell from the bathroom and Tim had been in there 15 minutes before. Howard said he's banning Tim from the bathroom.
Gary said he walked into Tim's office today and he had the green drink on his desk. He said that's what the shit looks like. Howard said the shit is on the wall. Robin said no one can use that room now. Howard asked how that can be. He said he's had violent diarrhea before but it's never ended up on the wall. Howard asked where Tim is so he can get an explanation.
Howard asked what is going on. Howard said his ass is like a sprinkler. He said the shit is all over the place. Howard said there's shit under the seat and all. Howard said he's not sure how guys shit like that. Robin said it's sad but she's not sure what that is. Howard said he has to ban Tim from the bathroom. He said it looks like a crime scene.
Gary said he can't find Tim. He said maybe he went to wreck the other bathroom. Gary said they're calling him on his cell phone now.
Tim came in and said that he did not shit today. He swore on the life of his kids that he didn't do it. Howard asked if he swears on the life of his children. Tim said he does. He said he's usually a noon shitter. Howard asked Tim if he really means it. Gary said they have DNA so they can test. Howard said they should do that. Tim said he swears to god that he didn't do it. Howard said they're going to test everyone who was in there. He said they know someone shit this morning. Howard said he believes Tim after he swore on the life of his children.
Gary asked Benjy if he made a number 2 in there today. Benjy said no. Howard told him to swear on the life of his girlfriend. Benjy said he doesn't like doing that. Howard said he has to get past this today. Benjy said that he didn't do it and they can check his DNA against it. Howard said he'll have to shit in a box. Gary said they just need a swab from his cheek.
Howard asked if they have a time frame on the bathroom use. Gary said the shit is wet so it's not old. Howard said he has to get out of there in a half hour so he needs them to do this quickly.
Jon Leiberman volunteered to go in there and get a sample on a Q-tip. Howard said that they have to test those people who used the bathroom this morning. Gary said that he has to figure out who they have to check. He said he'll check the logs for the bathroom use. Howard said Leiberman is the Walter Cronkite of doody.
Howard said they will discover who did it. Howard said if the DNA fits, you took the shits. Howard said DNA does not lie. Howard said if he finds specks of Chick-Fil-A in there he'll know Jon Hein did it.
Robin read a story about the court appearance for James Holmes this morning. He's the guy who shot people in the theater in Aurora, Colorado over the weekend. Robin read some of the details about what the family is going to be doing and how the police have been guarding their home all weekend.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there is some wild stuff going on with the Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise thing. He said that he's seen some crazy interviews and stuff. He was getting really involved in the conversation so Howard cut him off and said he didn't know it was going to be a whole discussion about Scientology. Howard said he wonders about all of the religions out there. He said if they all had to pay taxes they wouldn't have so many out there. Howard read another live commercial a short time later.
Robin read a story about one of the victims in the shooting and how she had escaped a shooting in Toronto and then got killed in the theater on Thursday night. Howard said he was shocked when he read that story. He said you'd probably have a better chance of getting hit by lightning.
Howard said he has a caller on the line who said they can't get DNA from doody. The caller said that it's not in there and they went through this at K-Rock with Cabbie. He said that Sal went through getting the doody and all of that. Benjy said they have a DNA thing for dogs now. Jason said they say you can get DNA from poop. He said that you do get things from inside your intestines.
Howard told Jason to make sure they get several samples and make sure they get that doody tested. He said this is the most important thing right now.
Robin said that there is a gun range owner saying that James Holmes tried to apply to get in but he had an incomplete application to get in and he was leaving messages that didn't make any sense. Robin said the guy told his staff to look the guy over before approving his application. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the pope being shocked by the shooting and mentioning it yesterday. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard had a hard time understanding what he was saying.
Robin read about the debate about assault weapons and had some audio of some people talking about that. Howard said that they're afraid to do anything because of the NRA. Howard said he doesn't think they should be in the hands of the public. He said he's not anti-gun but he does think that there should be a limit on assault weapons like that.
Robin read about how more than 82 people are dead in Iraq after a bunch of bombings happened. Howard said maybe we should ban assault weapons to sick individuals.
Robin read about how the Octomom has gotten off of welfare. She's stripping in strip clubs and appearing in porn videos. Robin read about how she's talked about how she didn't think she'd be doing this but now she's able to pay her bills.
Robin read about the Teen Choice Awards and how Simon Cowell was talking about her being a judge and why he chose her to be on the next X Factor.
Robin read about how Catherine Jackson was missing and how they found her and she's fine. Robin said that Jermaine put out a message about how she's doing just fine.
Robin read about the Bachelorette making her choice on the show last night. She had some audio of her talking about that.
Robin read about a woman who will be competing in the Olympics while pregnant. She's 8 months pregnant and she's going to be shooting in competition. Robin had some other stories about the Olympics and some of the people who will be competing. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:00am.
JD said he is 99.9 percent sure it's not him. Gary asked why he's not 100 percent. JD said that's just the .1 percent of guilt he has in him.
Gary said he has a DNA guy there and he has swabs in a sealed package. He said that they're going to test JD, Ronnie, Gregg, Tim, Doug and Benjy. He said they're going to do a cheek swab and they'll get the results.
Jon asked Gary if he would come clean at this point. Gary said he thinks they'll take the cheek swabs and someone will try to get Howard's ear and say it could have been them and he'd rather not deal with it. He said the person will be higher up in management. Jon said that narrows it down a lot. Gary said he thinks that the person who did it will be embarrassed by it coming out on the air.
Jon said the finger is pointing at Benjy and Tim Sabean. Jon said if you knew something was 100 percent then why not swear on someone's life. Benjy said his mother instilled in him that it's wrong. He said he has done it before but he's trying to stop. Jon said he would swear if he knew there was no way he was guilty. Benjy said that swearing on someone's life doesn't affect you no matter what.
Gary said Benjy wanted to do a clean ass spot check to see if they're clean or not. Jon said that might have worked today. Jon said that Gregg claims that he went in there and smelled it. He said that JD, Ronnie, Benjy and Tim are the others who may have done it. Gary said he was asked about it for the news and Tim is from the Mid-West and he has a different shitting culture. He said Tim could probably hack shitting in the woods. He said he could never do that himself. Gary said he thinks that Tim's shitting rules are more relaxed than those who don't hunt. Jon said he's not sure about that.
Jon Leiberman came in and said they have breaking news. Leiberman said they were back in there and there is shit on the railing underneath. He said that this is the best DNA sample they have yet because it was on a spot that won't be contaminated. He said it's in a bag and sealed up on Gary's desk. He said they have samples from all over the bathroom.
Jon said that they're not talking about a small area. He said that it's all over the bathroom. He wondered how that happens. Gary said that their bathroom looks like the inside of a port-a-potty without lights. Leiberman said the railing is above the toilet by feet so he's not sure how it got there unless it was an explosion of massive proportion. He said it had to have taken a few minutes to take care of that in the bathroom.
Jon said that he doesn't think the suspect knew they got to all over the bathroom and they may have vacated the crime scene quickly. Gary said he doesn't have the times when people leave the bathroom so he's not able to tell how long people were in there.
Jon asked Gary what his suspicions are right now. Gary said Tim has had troubles before. He said that he was pretty adamant about that though. He said that Gregg has been in there 3 tines but he was called out to do the camera thing so that was one of the times.
Benjy asked if they've ever caught anyone messing up the bathroom before. Gary said he doesn't think so. He said they have had some odors from people.
Benjy said that JD did say he shit this morning. JD said it wasn't this morning. It was last night at 7. Benjy asked if it was solid. JD said it was. He said it wasn't the kind of thing that would have splattered.
Leiberman said that they had a cleaning crew there on Friday so it could have happened after that. Gary asked JD if he could have not noticed that it happened. JD said he's pretty sure it's not him but there is that tiny chance that he could have left it. He said he's pretty paranoid about that sort of thing so he looks around and cleans up other people's mess so it doesn't come back to him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the shit gets thrown up when you flush. Leiberman said that's not what the railing was. He said that it couldn't have just splattered there like that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thinks that it was Benjy. Benjy said he didn't defecate in there. He said he's only gone in there like once since they've been there.
Gary said they had a guy there years ago who was fired from his job urinating all over the seat. He said that's the kind of thing that can happen.
Ralph called in and said they need to get a blood splatter expert in there to figure out exactly where it came from. Jon said when you see this you won't believe what you're seeing. Shuli said it looks like the person did a hand stand in the middle of taking a shit.
Ralph said he thinks that this person might need medical attention. Ronnie came in and said that he'll give his DNA right now. He said that Leiberman was walking around with the DNA in a cupcake container. Leiberman said he knows what he's doing. He said they got 8 samples. He said that they had to do one quickly and that was the one in the cupcake container.
Jon asked what the correct way is to test. Ronnie said you're supposed to seal it and put it in a refrigerator. Leiberman said that's what they did. He said he went back and took more samples.
Jon asked Ronnie who he thinks did it. Ronnie said he's not committing to that but the bathroom was clean at 7 this morning. He said that he's fine and he didn't take a dump in there today. He said he's ready for Leiberman to take a sample right now. Jon said they had to go to break so they didn't have time for that.
Jon said whoever did it has to know that it was all over the place. Gary said maybe it was from 3 weeks ago and maybe it was Benjy then. Benjy said he doesn't go there so it's not him.
Jason said that Benjy is still defending Joe Paterno so he's really out of it. Benjy said he wants to know what he did wrong. Jason gave an explanation for that but Jon cut him off saying that he's there to talk about the poop.
Jason said that the DNA testing place said that testing poop is a crap shoot. He said that they may or may not be able to get DNA from the poop so they will have to do a test to find out if it's viable or not. Gary said if he were the person who did it then he would wait until they say if it's viable or not.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they can identify the doody with the bacteria in the doody. Gary said they have a prize for him thanks to that information. He won a new iPad thanks to GoToMeeting.com.
Jon took a call from Wheels who asked how hunters shit. Gary said that they just drop trow and shit. Wheels also asked what happens to the person if they are caught. Gary said they will be known as the person who shit all over the bathroom. Jason said he thinks that they'll have a 4 year ban from the bathroom too. Jon asked why people are shitting in that bathroom in the first place. He said there is supposed to be a ban on that. Jason said that it was never officially banned. Gary said it is frowned upon.
Jason said that he'd be more worried with his future to be in the hands of Gary instead of Howard's. He said that Gary is going to handle it much more real than Howard would. Gary said that he likes that they're going to stick with this rule that they have now and that's how they'll be handling things.
Jon asked Benjy what he was thinking about all of that. Benjy said he was sorry for showing up late and he understands why they're handling things they way they are.
Gary said if Jason slips in late then Howard might not notice it. He said Howard will notice Benjy being late. Benjy said he understands that.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up the shit thing again and said he can't believe what he's hearing about this bathroom. He said he works in construction and he's seen some bad stuff but this sounds awful. Gary said the bathrooms at K-Rock were really bad. He said they had no respect over there at all. Jason said that they cleaned that bathroom like once a week so that's why it was so bad. He said the company didn't treat it with respect so why would the employees.
Gary said the bathroom there at SiriusXM is clean. Jason said he's seen people cleaning that bathroom like twice a day. Jon said they had to take another break a short time later.
Gary asked Sal about jerking off at some restaurant or something. Sal said he would get some napkins from Sbarro's. He said that he'd tuck them in and then you take a napkin out and use that to open the door at the peep show thing. He said you use the napkins to touch everything there. Gary asked if you just leave after watching the movies in the booths. Sal said you drop a load there then you leave. He said that the mop guy comes in and cleans up after you.
Sal said that he went to a theater once and he saw guys jerking off there. He said that wasn't his game so he just left. He said that you don't want to jerk off in front of men. He said with Fred Willard maybe that was his thing. He said that he just wants to jerk off in peace. He said he thinks it's a travesty.
Jon asked if Sal misses the booths at all. Sal said he watches porn on his iPad now so he doesn't miss it. He said he used to jerk off to pictures on his Blackberry. He said the picture was tiny and blurry but it was enough for him. Shuli said he could probably jerk off to one of those key chains they give you at Six Flags with the picture in it.
The guys brought up the Batman shooting and Gary said that his wife told him she knew that those late showings bring out a bad element. Gary said he told her that there were like 900 showing around the country and this is the only one where something happened.
Gary and Jon were also talking about the assault rifle discussion Howard had. They were wondering what someone would need that type of gun for. Gary said he's not sure why anyone would need a gun that shoots so many bullets so fast. He said that there is no reason that you'd need one.
Gary also wondered why someone would need 2 hours to get a gun. He said he'd like to know why someone can't wait for 3 days. Shuli said he was getting tons of ammunition rounds too and that didn't raise a flag.
Jon said that Jason's cousin was in the theater and she was thinking that it was part of the movie at first. Gary said he and Jon were on a plane together and Jon was explaining that you're only supposed to get one get up during the flight. Then the person next to you doesn't need to get up.
Sal said he went to see ''P.S. I Love You'' with his wife once and in the movie this guy dies and comes back in flashbacks. He said the people behind him were like Gary and Wendy the Retards. He said that every time the guy would pop up the people behind him would start talking and say ''I thought he was dead!'' Sal said he had to yell at them that he was dead.
Shuli said he saw the first Spider-Man with Toby Maguire and there was a guy dressed as Spider-Man there and his friend tapped him on the shoulder and told him he liked his work in Charlotte's Web and then got up and went to the bathroom. He said the guy in the outfit turned to his friend and said ''That guy's weird.''
Sal said that he's not sure why they got Fred Willard for jerking off in an adult film theater when he could have been doing it in a regular theater. Gary asked if he thinks there's a bias for different types of theaters. Sal said he's never seen a woman get in trouble for that.
Benjy wondered if people were complaining that Fred Willard ruined it for them in that theater. Benjy asked Sal if he would be offended if a woman was giving a guy a blow job in a theater. Sal said he'd love that. He said if it was just a guy jerking off that's a different story.
Jon took a call from a guy who wanted to talk about Joe Paterno but his phone connection was bad. Gary talked about how that whole thing screwed things up for everyone at the school. They spent a minute talking about that. Benjy said he doesn't see how Paterno covered anything up. Jon said that he's got to be kidding. Benjy said that he did report it. Shuli said if he wanted to end it he could have ended it. Benjy said they don't know that. Jon said he had to end this so he cut them off and wrapped up the show. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how everything makes him angry. He said that he was reading his own press and getting worked up over the Sirius stock price. Howard said he was listening to some press and now that he's on AGT they get a hold of him to ask questions. Howard said he was listening to this clip and they say that they have 622,000 new subscribers. Howard said he was saying to Gary that stock, which they all have some of, was going through the roof in the 90s. He said back then the rumor was that Tom had about $15 million worth of Infinity stock. Howard said that Sirius has 20 million paying subscribers and his stock is worth nothing. Howard said he knows that a lot of radio guys made tons of money with other radio companies and he can't seem to do that with Sirius stock.
Howard said he and Robin haven't gotten there with the Sirius stock. Howard said they never got any decent stock. He said that's how these people get rich. It's the stock. He said he gets to that clip and his head explodes. Howard said if you have 20 million subscribers at $12 a month they've got to be making a lot of money. He said he's not even sure what the amount is. He said it must be in the billions.
Howard tried doing the math with the help of Robin and Gary. Howard said Robin isn't helping. She threw out some numbers that weren't helping him out. Gary told Howard it should be over $210 million a month. Everyone was getting confused. Fred said it's about $299 million. Howard rounded it out to $300 million. Howard then had to multiply that times 12. Robin rounded that off to 10 to make it easy. Robin came up with $3 billion. Howard said he wants to thank every math teacher he ever had. He said he was never taught how to get there.
Howard said he can't believe the stock isn't worth more than it is if that's the kind of money they're making. Howard said he obviously threw in with the right guys. Howard said he threw in with people who hate when he makes money. He said they get angry.
Howard said he never gets the right situation. He said he never gets it right. Robin said they're allergic to stock. Howard said they don't go to sleep and wake up rich. He said he went to a party for this guy at E! who had a billion party. Howard said he was worth a billion in a year after getting in on some deal. Howard said his name was Lee Masters but his real name was Jarl Mohn. He said he had a whole story about that. Howard said Jarl told him he wanted him to come and celebrate that he was worth a billion dollars. Howard said he figured his parting gift should be worth about 10 million.
Howard said Jarl went to Liberty Media and he ended up being worth a billion dollars. Howard said he wondered how that was possible. Howard said he's not having any party showing that he's worth a billion. He said he thinks he'd keep that shit quiet if he was though.
Howard said he thinks that people thought he was worth a billion. If the stock had actually made any money maybe he would have been. He said the stock seems to be locked in at about $2. He said he likes that the SEC was investigating him and the deal Sirius made with XM. Howard said he had to lawyer up over that whole thing. He said they weren't investigating Bernie Madoff. They were investigating him. Howard said they were asking about the stock deal and all of that and he had no idea what they were talking about. He doesn't know a thing about the stock market.
Howard said he was offered a spot on the board there but he turned it down when he was told that he could be accused of insider trading.
Gary came in and said that they were happy when the stock made it up to $2.08 the other day and they say that it can get up to a high of $2.80 if things go well. He said another four dollars and he'll only owe another dollar on what he got.
Howard said he isn't anti-gun completely. He said that the assault weapon is such a tool for mass destruction. The writer asked him to describe what an assault rifle is. Howard said he knows what it is. He said an assault weapon is a catch all. He said it's a term that defines a firearm that rapidly fires. It's made to fire at human targets. It's not for hunting. He said they rapidly expel the shell casings. He said they spray ammo out there very quickly. Howard said there are 17 to 19 weapons that are used for things like that. Howard said in New York there was someone who wrote about what's been going down with assault weapons. Howard said the article is very good.
Howard read the article about how some people were gunned down with an AK-47. He wrote that the weapons are loved by gangs because they do such a good job. Howard read a bunch of mentions of people who were killed in New York City with assault weapons. Howard said that they weren't done with knives or swimming pools. Howard said these guns don't belong in the hands of the public. Howard said if they make it so easy to kill individuals it's going to happen. Robin said it's one thing to kill someone you have a grudge against but then there's the people who just randomly spray people.
Howard said they really shouldn't give this guy publicity. He said they should call him Shithead number 12 or something like that. He said that they have people saying we should have some mercy on him and that's not right. Howard said they clean this guy up for court and they'll think he looks like a nice Comic-Con loon. Robin said she'd lock all of them up.
Howard said the kid was in court falling asleep. He said they must have had him on some kind of tranquilizer. He said the kid was tranquilized like a zombie. He said they should have let him come in acting all crazy. Howard said they even have this lunatic locked up in a woman's prison so the other prisoners don't kill him. He said they'll dress him up and claim he's ill.
Howard said that Donny Deutsch was talking about him on some show and he gets cut off. The people on the show were talking about AGT and Donny was talking about how nice Howard Stern is. One woman was agreeing with Donny and talking about how great he is. Then they get cut off with a guest they have on the phone. Howard said that was such a nice thing and then they cut them off and they never got back to it. Howard said he wanted to hear how nice he was.
Howard said he runs into Donny and he gets more pussy than anyone on the planet. Robin said she's seen him out before. She said he gets a few at a time. Howard said he's seen him out with no less than 4 women at a time. Howard said the dude knows how to get laid. He said that guy is a player. He said that's the dude you want to be. Not Clooney, it's Deutsch. Howard said he's living the life and he should write a book.
Howard said Donny tells them that they look like they're in love. Howard said he's not sure what to say but he and Beth have been together for 13 years and they're still in love.
Howard said Beth came along with him to AGT yesterday. He said he had a sort of nude photo of her in his phone and told her he was going to Tweet it. Howard said he knew that people would say that he should be grieving for his dog. He said it took about 2 seconds for someone to say that. Howard said you can't do two things at once.
Howard said he has a picture of Robin in his dressing room and some people were asking what that's about. Howard said he and Beth were sitting around waiting since they get you there like 4 hours early. He said that he just takes a nap.
Howard said he doesn't understand why he has to be there so early. He said sometimes the top people there will come in and talk to him. He said they'll make stuff up to discuss just to waste time. Howard said he gets that they have a lot of pressure.
Howard said that JD tries to find nice stuff about him in the press. He had another audio clip where some talk show hosts were talking about him. Howard played that and they had some audio of him talking and some audio of Howie talking about him.
Howard said he found out that Mariah Carey is going to be a judge on American Idol. Howard said he thinks that she took the job because he has shown that being a judge can be cool. He said that Nick said they didn't have enough money for her but they must have come around with some. Howard said he asked Nick for a naked picture of Mariah in his dressing room and he didn't get much of a response. He said he seems to be a happy guy working there at AGT. Robin said she thinks that the people who seem to be happy are not really happy. Howard said she might be right.
Howard said Nick doesn't really hang with them. He said he has his own entourage. He said that he's friendly with his entourage since they hang out with his entourage. Howard said he has to go through his entourage so he's very friendly to them when he leaves his dressing room. He said he does all of the black handshake kind of things when he goes out there. He jokingly said sometimes he just hands out money.
Howard said Nick has this guy who travels with him who trains him in boxing. Howard said he has another dude who looks pretty strong. He's not sure what he actually does.
Howard said he has Ronnie, Joe, Pat, Toni and sometimes Ralph. He said he has like 7 personal people with him too. Howard said Sharon seems to have people pouring out of her dressing room. He said he was going to have a conversation with her but he'd have to kick out 19 people. Howard said he wanted a wardrobe person the other day and all 5 of them were in Sharon's room.
Howard said today is going to be very busy. He said they have David Arquette coming in and they have the AGT crew coming to tape him for the show. Howard said he'll spend 7 hours with a camera crew and they'll show 3 seconds of it.
Howard said they also have porn star Alexis Ford coming in. He said they're going to have some people in to try and do stuff to her if she can't answer simple questions. Howard said she gets plugs if she gets the answers right. Howard said he has a clip of Alexis doing her thing in a film. He said she's like a Lindsey Blohan in this clip. Howard said this is Alexis Ford playing a dentist. Howard played some of it and said that's some acting there. She eventually gets a cock shoved down her throat. Howard said he could never even reach the back of a woman's throat. Howard said he'd be afraid of hurting a woman if he could. Robin said it doesn't sound like fun. Howard said it might be fun for the dude. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Howard had another clip of Alexis just having sex. He said he didn't know what the set up was. Howard said he's never heard a woman make noises like that with him. He said that's the hottest thing when girls talk dirty in bed like she was. Howard said so many women are inhibited. He said they could play a game and say ''fuck me like a dirty whore'' once in a while. Howard had Robin try it. Robin said no because she knows they'll isolate it.
Howard played more of Alexis moaning and talking dirty. Howard said he'd have to slam a door on a woman's foot to hear something like that. Howard said he's already finished by that point so maybe that's why he never gets to the moaning.
Howard said it's so hot to hear a woman say ''fuck me like a little whore.'' Fred played a bunch of clips of Robin talking about fucking her tight little pussy and things like that.
Howard said he is going through considerable expense to find out who it was. He said they are going to do a DNA test and they say that you can get DNA out of doody. It's just a little more work. Howard said he is so pissed off that he has to go through this.
Howard said he's going to say right now that he's going to have an amnesty. Howard said he's so annoyed that the person won't fess up. He said what he's going to do is find the person with the DNA test. Howard said anyone who has been in there in the past 3 days is going to be tested. Howard said if the person saves him that expense and just comes forward then he will let them off the hook. Howard said the person who did it knows they did it. Howard said if they come forward and spare him the expense, and they're honest about it, he'll let them continue working there. He said if they don't come forward he will fire them. Howard said he still thinks it's Tim even though he swears on the life of his kids he didn't do it. Howard said if it's Tim or anyone, he will fire them. He said he's being put through a huge expense of the budget for this. He said the money is coming out of their budget and it's thousands of dollars.
Howard said if the person comes forward now they can get off the hook. Howard said JD was talking about it on the Wrap Up Show and he was saying that he's 99.9 percent sure. Howard played a clip of JD explaining that on the show yesterday.
Howard asked JD if he's coming in to admit it's him. He said he's giving the person full amnesty and he's really not kidding about firing the person it is. Howard said if he has to spend that kind of money he's going to fire someone. JD said he doesn't have that kind of explosive diarrhea. Ronnie came in to defend JD and say that the bathroom was clean when he came in at 5:40 in the morning.
Jon Leiberman came in too. Ronnie was laughing and said that Jon was walking around with the doody in a cupcake container and he was walking around showing it to everyone. Jon said that he wants to clear this up. He said he has been at 30 times as many crime scenes as Ronnie has. Jon said that at first it seemed to be a matter of time. He said that he took the initial swab and put it in a container to give it to Gary. He said once they got the cotton swabs he went back and got more samples. He said there was feces dripping from the railing above the toilet. He said it was like nothing he's ever seen. It was on the left and right wall and it was dripping. Ronnie said they cleaned it up in there but there's still doody on the wall in there. Jon said that the cleaning crew has never seen anything like this before.
Howard said that Ronnie thinks that he's a CSI since he watches those shows all the time. Jon said Ronnie records it on VHS tape and now he's an expert. Jon said that they have gotten the doody samples and they have marked down where they came from.
Howard said the person whose DNA matches that doody will be fired. He said he will hunt them down and fire them. He said that if they want amnesty then they can come forward now and admit it and they'll be done with it.
Robin asked if they're swabbing everyone on the staff. Howard said no. He said it's just the people who have key carded into that bathroom from the past 3 days. Ronnie said that it's from Sunday night into yesterday morning.
Jon said the doody was very fresh and if you look at the time line then you can see what was going on. Howard asked Ronnie if he could have overlooked it. Ronnie said no way.
Gary went over the list of people who were in there that morning. JD was first, then Ronnie, Gregg Karmel, Benjy, Richie and Sal. Howard said he will fire whoever did this. He said that it has to be Sal. He said he'll fire Sal if it was him.
Howard said the samples of the doody were photographed and they have them up on HowardStern.com. Ronnie was still talking about how the sample was contaminated. Jon said they got chunks of the doody after that one sample and they will be testing those. Ronnie said he's so happy about this. Jon said likes solving mysteries so that's why he's so excited about this.
Howard said that if Sal did this he'll fire him. If Gregg did it then he will be fired. Jon said that Gregg has been changing his story. Gregg came in and said he would admit it if it was him. Howard said he's going to have Gary fire the person who did it. Gregg kept insisting that it wasn't him. He said he's 1000 percent sure.
Jon said that Gregg has a pattern of going to the bathroom on the 37th floor and not in this bathroom. Gregg said that is true. Gregg said that he urinated in this bathroom and the smell was bad when he went in there and he was thinking it could be Tim. Howard said if it was Tim he has to come forward.
Jon said that he thinks Tim was going to lawyer up and he told him he has other things to worry about. Gary said that looking at the time frame they're discussing Gregg followed Sal once and Tim another time. Howard said it has to be Sal or Tim then.
Howard said if Gregg went in at 7:48 then it had to be Sal or Tim. He said he will fire Sal or Tim if it was them. Sal said he swears on his children that it wasn't him. He said he's afraid to even pee in there. Howard said Sal has something on his face. Sal said he got a sunburn.
Jon said that Sal remains a suspect because he has had really bad gas lately. Sal said that has nothing to do with shitting. Howard said that the person has to come in and admit it if it was them. Jason came in and they thought it was him. Jason said a few weeks ago they had a major smell incident in the bathroom and he walked into a wall of shit smell. Gary said he got an email that day and it appeared he had followed Tim. Howard said he's going to have to fire Tim.
Sal said if they look at the past they found fecal matter in the bathroom and they figured out it was Tim. Howard said if this was Tim he's going to have to fire him even if he comes to him off the air.
Gary went over the list of people and it was Benjy then Tim and then Gregg. Gregg is the one who claims he smelled it and then Doug found the shit all over the bathroom. Sal said he's not sure how anyone shits like that.
Jon Leiberman said they have to look at Benjy too. He said he's shown disrespect to things there and they have to leave him on the list of suspects. Jon said he's taken toppings off cupcakes and shown up late. He said he has shown disrespect for this whole thing too. He said they have video tape evidence too so they can see what time people come out of the bathroom. He said that could be a key piece of evidence in this. Howard said Jon is a genius. Jon said he's been doing this for 15 years and he was at America's Most Wanted for 7 years.
Howard asked if Jon was on TV talking about the shooting in Colorado. Jon said he was. He said he was at America's Most Wanted and he was in on a lot of discussions about things like that. He said he thinks that the suspect was on medication and he's clearly going to claim he was insane. He said he won't be able to prove it though. Jon said this will be a death penalty case and they want all 12 of the families to go through with it and be okay with it.
Howard asked Doug if he wanted to confess. Doug said he's never shit in that bathroom. Doug said he was going in to brush his hair when he found that. He said he noticed the sewer-like smell. He said he just saw Tim in the hall and he looked kind of guilty. Howard asked if it was Tim. Tim came in and said that he did shit. He said he cleaned it up though. Tim said he was sick, really sick. He said he thought he had cleaned it up but he must have missed some of it. Jon asked how it got on the railing. Howard said he won't have any repercussions now.
Howard said he has had squirting diarrhea but never like that. Tim said he has no idea how it got like that. He said he was running in there and it sprayed out of his ass as he was getting to the seat. Tim said he thought he just took a shit.
Howard said this is like he was in a frenzy. Tim said he thought he was going to pass out on the floor. Tim said he may have had food poisoning or something. He said he was sicker than a dog. Howard said he's been sick like that but it never gets outside the bowl. Tim said he had no idea it was all over like that. Tim said he was walking to work and it just took over.
Howard said they had a picture of the evidence. Tim said he thought he cleaned it up. Howard said he was going to invite him to his house but he can't now. He said he should wear a diaper. Tim said he's never been sick like that.
Tim said there is no privacy in that place. Howard said he should shit in the main bathroom. Tim said he never shits at work. He said he usually saves it for home. Howard said Gary knew it was Tim and said he was talking about his shit protocol and how he can shit in the woods and stuff. Howard asked Robin what she makes of this. Robin said he must not be used to indoor facilities.
Howard asked Tim why he didn't come forward. Tim said he has other things to worry about. He said he has to let people in the building so he can do his shoot and things like that.
Howard said this is fascinating to him. He said he had to be shitting mid-air. Tim said he has no idea what happened. He said that he had this sickness through his whole body and he got the poison out. He said he felt better about 3 hours later. He said he was really sick. He said he was weak and just didn't feel right. Howard said he'd be so paranoid that he'd clean that bathroom up. Tim said he thought he did. Jon said there was shit next to the light switch.
Howard said he's glad he fessed up because he would have fired him. He said he loves Tim too. Tim said he loves him too. Howard said he would have had to have fired him. He said he has to look it over better next time. Tim said he thought he had.
Howard spent a little time talking to Tim about that but Tim just wanted to go back to work. They played a song parody about the shitting on the floor. Tim also said that he lost an iPad this morning in the cab he was in. He said that this is the second one he lost. Howard said Tim is the only guy who does that. Howard played another song parody about the shit bathroom. He had a couple more actually. They were done by Sal and Richard.
Tim said that he's been around this for 25 years or so now and he doesn't expect any different. Howard said this is really crazy because it was such a mess. Howard said they expect him not to shit on the floor and walls from now on. Robin said they could call the building and say they had an accident in there and have the cleaning crew come in and clean it up.
Howard asked how he cleaned up. Tim said he used toilet paper. Howard said he doesn't think he did a thing. Jon asked if he felt rushed to get out of there. Tim said he thinks he had food poisoning or something. He asked if he can go back to his office now. Howard said he can but he would have fired him if he hadn't admitted to it.
Tim asked Jon what he's going to do the rest of the day. Jon said he has plenty to do. Howard said Al Rosenberg wrote him a note telling him to threaten to fire the person and that worked. Howard said Al had a good idea with that. Howard said that Tim is getting too old to be that sick. Tim said it must be the hot peppers he was eating. Howard said he's had hot peppers but he's never sprayed the walls like that.
Howard took a call from ''Tim's Ass'' and it was Sal and Richard playing clips of Richard shitting. Howard said Tim just threw Doug Goodstein out of the studio. Howard told Doug to call in. Howard said that was great. Doug came running in the other door.
Doug said he thinks that Tim shit his underwear and the puddle on the floor was from that. He said maybe Tim got rid of them in the garbage can. Jon said they did check the can and there was nothing in there. Howard said it's so much fun working there. Jon asked what they should do with the DNA. Howard told him to auction it off on eBay.
Howard told Tim not to shake his hand. Tim said he never does. The guys were trying to figure out how he got the shit all over the walls. Fred said he must have had the lights out and he was spinning around like a sprinkler in the dark. Howard said Tim got more around the bathroom than he usually gets in the bowl.
Gary said that Lisa G was talking to someone about how this could happen and they were saying that he may have gone on a high fiber diet quickly and his body wasn't ready for it. Howard asked Gary what he was saying about Tim yesterday and how hunters will shit anywhere. Gary said they just have a more lax way of shitting because they're used to just going anywhere.
Gary said Lisa was also talking about how Tim takes his giant claw and puts them in the cupcakes. Howard said he has to thank Al Rosenberg for the suggestion to threaten to fire someone. He said they knew it was Tim anyway. He said they had a good idea it was him. Gary also told Howard they have a clip of Tim swearing on the life of his kids that he didn't do it. Howard played that clip and Tim swore on the life of his kids that he didn't even shit that day. Howard said he's full of lies. Howard said that isn't a fun thing to admit so he gets that. Howard said they have to take a break now. He did a live commercial right after that.
David came in and said that Tim is doing the perp walk out there and it's crazy. Howard asked if he could do his thing with the AGT crew. David said that's fine. Howard said David has a lot going on in his life. He said he's heard things. Howard asked if he's drinking again. David said he hasn't had a drink since 2010. Howard asked if he's ever shit like that before. David said he hasn't.
Howard said he has to do this thing with AGT. Gary asked if he should bring in Jason from AGT. Howard said he has to slow down. David said he knows Jason because he has a kid in school with his kid. Howard said Jason is a star fucker but then said he was just kidding. Howard said he's a good guy.
Howard said they're doing some sort of piece for Wednesday's AGT show. Howard said they will interview him for 4 or 5 hours and then use like 30 seconds of it. Howard said they overshoot with that show. He said they don't even have enough people to watch all the tape they shoot.
Howard said he heard Jason Raff in his dressing room yesterday and all he heard was ''Blah, blah, blah...'' and that they wanted to do something on Tuesday. Howard said Jason is taking time away from David Arquette. He had Jason come in to talk about this. Howard asked what he wants him to say. Jason said they're not trying to take time away from David. Howard said Jason has aged a lot in the past few months. He said even his wife was pointing that out. Jason said it has nothing to do with Howard.
Howard said that he's not sure why they have so many great acts on tonight's show and he's wondering why they're doing that. Jason said it will be an amazing night. Jason said something about some of them letting Howard down and Howard said he had no idea what he was saying.
Robin said she thinks that they could possibly have 12 acts that could have been the actual final 12. Howard said tonight's show could have been the final 12.
Jason said that Howard has been complaining about his commute and that's what this shoot is about. They'll get some video of him in his car too. Howard said he has to pretend that he's going to AGT now. He did a half hearted phony bit and said he had to go to AGT now.
Howard said he has learned that they don't use anything on AGT when the shoot it. Jason asked if he can go now. Howard said that's fine.
Howard got back to David and said that he went through a horrible divorce. Robin said it didn't seem so horrible since they were still holding hands after. Howard asked if he is officially divorced. David said the papers have been filed. Howard said he understands that it's a 50/50 split. Howard wanted to shake his hand. David said it wasn't like that. Howard said he has heard he's worth $50 million. David said that is absolutely not true whatsoever. Howard said he thinks it is. Howard told him to swear on the life of his daughter. David refused to do that. He just said it was not true. David said it's all good. He said it's just not true.
Howard said David shouldn't invest in puppets. Howard said he's making his own movies and he's going to go through that money like crazy. Howard said he can't touch that money. He said that's his ''fuck you'' money. David said he has a plan and he will make sure he has enough. Howard asked who sat him down and explained it to him. He said it was his manager Rick Sheppard. Howard said that's a good manager.
Howard asked if he can get to his own money. David said of course he can. Howard asked if he can get to the money by asking his manager for 20 mill. David said he can't do that because he doesn't have 20 million.
Howard said the AGT people are taking shots of the dildos on his wall and he knows they won't use that footage. David told Howard he's doing a great job on AGT. Howard said he thinks he is too. He said he takes it seriously unlike Howie. Howard said Howie has gotten serious all of a sudden though. Howard wondered what they're going to do with the dildo footage. He said that will end up on NBC News tonight.
Howard asked David if he gets an allowance during the week. David said it's understood that he can only spend a certain amount of money. He said he doesn't go out and buy cars or race horses or anything. Howard asked if that Beacher's Madhouse was a big one for him. David said he has his own club now and he's not talking about that other thing. He said the place is called Bootsy Bellows. He said they call it Bootsy's. He said it's a club but they have puppets there. He said they have this amazing puppeteer and he did Team America. He said he does some great stuff at the club.
Howard asked David about what happens when he goes to Bootsy Bellows. David said they have puppets dancing around and they have a flasher puppet and things like that. Howard asked why he's part of a club. David said he loves dance clubs. He said that eventually they'll have a dinner theater but right now it's just dancing puppets. He said they have vintage puppets and an Obama puppet and things like that. He said a girl once slapped one of the puppets.
Howard asked if he can get laid there. David said there are a lot of hot chicks there. He said he's a host there and he goes around asking if everyone is okay. Howard asked if the booze is tempting to him. David said it's not at all. He said he drinks a Red Bull while everyone else is drinking. He said people think he's wasted even when he's not so it's fine. Howard said Dean Martin was like that too.
Howard asked when he's at the club. David said he's there Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. He said he does some of the puppet work too.
Howard asked if he's single. David said he is not. He said he's with Christina again. Howard said David is getting the hottest chicks. Howard said this girl that David is seeing is so hot. He said that he went out and got another Courteney. David said that's not true. David said she moved back to L.A. so he's back with her now. Howard said they had a long distance relationship and they broke up. David said she broke up with him but he wasn't even sure why. He said there were a lot of complications.
Howard asked if David is still pretending to have a great friendship with Courteney. David said they do have a great friendship. He said he loves her with all his heart and he loves his girlfriend with all his heart too. He said he just saw Courteney the other day. He said they have a child together. Howard said he has to distance himself from her. David said he does not. Howard said he's painting it to be perfect but you know it's not. David said they know how to talk but they do have conflicts once in a while. Howard asked what kind of conflicts they get into. David said he can't think of any.
Howard asked if Courteney is getting laid yet. David said he can't say. He said that's for her to say. David said he's trying not to get into trouble with her again. Howard asked him if he has made out with her in the past year. David said no. He said they do spend some time together with their daughter though.
Howard said he doesn't get how this girl could move to L.A. and work out of New York. David said that Entertainment Tonight let her do that. He said she flies around a lot but she's living in L.A.
Howard said he heard that David did a movie called ''Hemlock Drive'' but David said he didn't do that one. He said he didn't do it because they jerked his sister Rosanna around with the same movie.
Howard asked David what else he's been doing. He said he shot a TV show that will be on next year. He said he'll come back to promote that when it's ready to come out. Howard gave him another plug for the club Bootsy Bellows.
Howard talked to David about the girlfriend and if she's living with him. David said that she doesn't live with him but she will stay with him when Coco isn't there. He said that she has met Coco though. Howard asked if Courteney has met Christina. David said they did meet once. Howard said of course she did. Howard said she had to meet her to see who would be hanging around her daughter. David said it's pretty awkward. Howard asked what she wore to meet Courteney. David said it was just a dress. It wasn't a very formal thing.
Howard asked if Christina was nervous to meet Courteney. David said she was very cool about the whole thing. Howard said that his kids were pretty grown up when they met Beth but his youngest was only about 6. He said that she was around Coco's age. Howard didn't want to get into too much about what went on with that whole thing. He said he just did what he had to do. David tried to get more out of him about that but Howard wasn't talking.
Howard asked David if Courteney ever made a doody that sprayed all over the bathroom. David said that never happened.
Howard said he knows that David is a good boyfriend. He said he went out with him for a year and he was always good to him. Howard said that the girlfriend is working her way into David's life. David said he loves her. Howard asked if she ever asks to move in. David said he has to spend quality time with Coco and he doesn't want her feeling like she's being replaced. Howard said someone wrangled him into being a human being. David said that's part of being sober. He said he feels pressure from the world and he can't drink at the club. He said that they have champagne at the club and someone took a picture of him opening one bottle. He said he figured they'd be all over that in the news. Howard asked what he would drink when he was a drinker. David said he liked Scotch. He said he likes the drinking culture and going to bars. Howard said he likes the whole culture of pot but he can't smoke it because he gets so paranoid.
David said he likes the whole Burning Man kind of thing too. He said he likes the clubs and all of that. Howard said he doesn't like the clubs. Howard said picking up a chick and going home with them is good and drinking is good but that's it. David said that the puppets are great too. Howard said he's flirting with a dangerous dance working at a club. David said he guesses so.
Howard asked how David's sisters are doing. He said they're great. Howard said he wanted to fuck Rosanna. He said that she must be crazy. He said she's like a female David. David asked where the AGT crew went. Howard said they left. He didn't even realize it.
Howard said that David's sister was dating Paul McCartney and she blew it. Howard said that must have been pretty great. Howard asked who she's with now. David said she's with a guy by the name of Todd and he's a businessman.
Howard said he had Johnny Walker on the phone for David. He picked up and the guy said that he misses David. The guy said that him with a little ice is all he needs. David said he drank McCallums. That's Fred's favorite too.
Howard said he has to sum up now. He said that David will have a travel show on the Travel Channel next January. David said it's him and his buddy and they go around cities and show how to do it in 3 days. David said they went to Israel and he got a bar mitzvah. He said he was going to film a 13 year old's bar mitzvah but they let him have his own that day too. Howard recited some of the stuff he had to recite at 13. Then they played audio of Gilbert Gottfried chanting.
David asked if he's ever been to Israel. Howard said he hasn't and he never will. He said that he won't travel that far. He said he'll go to Palm Beach and that's about as far as he'll go.
Howard asked David if he was scared going to Israel. David said he really wasn't. He said he was amazed to see that all of the signs over there were in Hebrew, Arab and English. He said it's great to see what's going on over there. David said you can see so many cool things around the world. Howard said he and Beth were invited to Italy but he's wondering what he can do over there that he can't do there. David told him he should give it a try and just see what it's like. He said it can be pretty easy to get around if you have the right people helping.
Howard asked David if he's got a lot of sexual activity now that he's not drinking. David said that's all he's got. Howard said that's good for him. He said he looks fantastic.
David said he's also there to talk about this web site called EcoMom.com where mom's can shop. He said they have healthy and safe stuff for moms to buy. He said that anyone can go there though. David said they have a charity thing going on too and that's what he's there to promote. David said you can check out the site and checkout the ''It's All Good'' campaign. He said that helps feed children. Howard said David is a good guy and not an asshole. David thanked him for that.
David said they went to the Bronx yesterday and they went to this WEDCO place and it's a community center and they have low end housing and they teach people how to get jobs and things like that. He said they dropped off some baby food there. Howard said he doesn't have time for that. He said he's too busy judging.
Howard said he and Beth do some stuff for the North Shore Animal League. Howard said Beth is a good person but he's not. David said he is too.
Howard wrapped up and went over some of the stuff they learned about David today. Howard said they learned he has a business plan and he won't go crazy investing his own money in this thing. He said he has to keep his money safeguarded. Howard said he has this club Bootsy Bellows too. Howard said he's around booze all the time and he's not drinking. Howard said when Coco turns 15 then he can start drinking again. David told him to stop it. He said he doesn't want to go back to that place in his life.
Howard asked David if he had any time between breaking up with Christina and getting back when he was banging someone else. David said he did not. Howard asked how many women he had while they were broken up. David said it was only like a month or month and a half. David said he had no chicks. Howard asked if he's lying. Fred kept playing a buzzer sound when he'd answer. Howard told him to swear on his daughter's life. David said he doesn't swear on her life for anything. Fred played the buzzer. He kept playing it after everything David was saying.
Howard said that if you go to David's club you can see nude pictures of his mom. Howard said that she had some set of tits on her. Howard saw some of her pictures. He said she was so hot. David said she did some great pinup stuff. Howard asked if he fed off of those bags. David said he thinks he did. Howard said David's sisters really look like their mom. Howard said she has nice tits. Howard asked why he leaves that up. David said it's part of her history. Howard asked if he could beat off to that. David said no way. He said he had some of her pictures in the bathroom and his brother thought it was weird to take a piss with her above him.
Howard asked why his brother, Alexis, was using the bathroom if he's a girl now. David said it was his other brother, Richmond. Howard asked if Alexis still has a cock. David said he really doesn't know. He said he doesn't ask. Howard said that's weird. David said that her whole thing is that if you're not going to fuck her then don't ask. Howard said he would love to bring her on the show and talk to her. David said she's the greatest. Howard said he'd know if his sister had a cock.
Howard said he's proud of David and what he's doing with his life. He gave him some more plugs and went to break.
Howard came back and said they have some excitement there. Howard said Alexis Ford has been there 3 times before. Howard said she's been a Miss Howard TV and other things. Howard said she's gorgeous too. Howard said that there's nothing better than that.
Howard asked Alexis how she's doing. She said she's good. Howard said she's not getting any plugs yet. He said she's a saint for agreeing to do this. Howard said they have 3 guys there who are huge fans of her's. He said that she could get thousands of plugs but she has to earn them. She has to answer questions and if she gets them right she gets plugs. If she gets them wrong then her fans get to grope her. Howard said that they'll get to touch her all over. Alexis said that's what she's expecting. She said that she wants a good titty grab if they grab her tits. She said that she wants them to rub up against her and she may grope right back.
Howard asked what her feet look like. She showed them to Howard and he said they look good too. Alexis said her fans can lick the dirt right off of them if they want. She said she's started doing anal in her movies now.
Howard said one of the things that's amazing about Alexis is... Robin said that he just missed that she said she's doing anal now in porn. Howard said that was very rude of him. Howard said that she wants to plug that movie but she can't do that yet. Howard asked about how much she's taken up there. She said she had an 11 incher in there balls deep. She said that was easier than doing a DP scene. She said that she did DP (Double Penetration) and she had two big guys in her at once. Howard said that has to be more overwhelming than just anal. Alexis said it is. She said that she has a guy she fucks in her personal life and he wasn't able to deal with her being a whore. Howard said he understands that. He said that means that he must have cared for her. She said he was in the street doing his own thing. She said he was basically a street hustler. Howard said that's sort of sweet that he was jealous in a way. Alexis said it wasn't good for her.
Howard asked Alexis about this guy who did her in the ass. She said this guy is like 11-12 inches and the size of a coke can. She said she actually works in this building. Howard asked who it was. She said he's a radio guy. Howard asked if he works for Sirius. She said he does. Howard asked if it's Tim Sabean. She said he's a black guy. Howard asked how thick this thing is. Alexis said it's bigger than anything she's ever seen. Howard said it's bigger than a beer can. She said it's fucking huge. Howard asked what she does with it. She said it hurts to go in her pussy so she told him to put it in her ass. She said it went in and he told him that he has to ease her asshole before her scenes.
Howard asked how long it takes to ease into her ass. She said that she sticks 2 or 3 fingers in to open it up for him so he can get it in there. She said she can orgasm from that too. She said she rubs her pussy and then she'll put it in her mouth.
Howard asked Alexis is she talks dirty like she does in porn. She said that she doesn't do that in her personal life. Howard said he wants that. Alexis said if she's having a crazy orgasm she can't think. Howard said he heard a story about Alexis bringing a manager and some girls home from a strip club to orgy. She said she did. She said she was working in Queens and she was working with her best friend. She said she had all of these girls come home with her and about 8 came home. She said the owner and manager came too. She said she called her boyfriend to come over and he said he wasn't able to do it. She said he came over and just sat there. Alexis said she told him to take his dick out and he thought she was pressuring him. Howard said this guy could have been in on a non-stop party.
Howard said it was time to meet the fans who would be playing the game. Howard had the guys bring the contestants in. Howard said that the first guy is Kevin. Howard said they're more of a mess than he thought they would be. Next up was Ron and then Matt. Howard said hi to all three and then said they'll have an exciting game.
Howard asked Matt what he's going to do if he gets to grope her. He said he will go front to back and get a reach around. Howard said Matt is single and he's never had a girlfriend. He's a virgin too. Matt said he's 28. Howard said he's not a bad looking guy. He is a little overweight. Howard asked what goes on that makes him a virgin. Matt said he doesn't have a big group of friends and he's just never met anyone. He said that the guys he works with in construction think he should get a hooker but he won't do that. He said they want to bring him to some regular old hooker. He said he has felt boobies before though. He said about a month ago he went to his 10 year reunion and the girl he was in love with came home with him that night. He said it was awesome but it was after the after bar and he was hammered. He said they were making out and going at it. He said he got to third base and then she looked him in the eyes and said she wanted him to stick his cock in her and his cock would not rise to the occasion. Howard asked how many drinks he had. He said he had like 7 shots of whisky before he went and then he had more there. Howard said he should have slept it off and then banged her. He said he did that and then he got up and he still wasn't able to get up. Alexis said she's never heard a story like that. She asked why she didn't start blowing him. Matt said she just didn't do it.
Matt said he's still in contact with the girl. He said that she lives in New York and they have talked. He said she has a whole life of her own. Howard said he doesn't understand that. He said the next day it should have been in her. Matt said it just wasn't ready.
Howard asked if Matt is a huge fan of Alexis'. Matt said he isn't a huge fan but he did want to get on the show.
Howard moved on to Ron next. Howard said he lives in Rockland County and he is a fan too. Ron said he had her in his cab once. Howard said that he read about that. Ron said that she wanted to go to Queens and she told him she was a porn star and she wanted to have an orgy and all of this other stuff. He said he was trying to get himself invited to the orgy she wanted to have. He said she looked really pretty and she wasn't playing it up. He said she asked him to follow her on Twitter and they'd see what happens. He said he won't give away what he wants to do today when he gets to feel her up.
Howard moved on to Kevin who is 6'6'' tall. Howard said he must be pretty heavy. Kevin said he's 360 pounds. He said he used to bounce in a strip club. Howard said Alexis has seen him a lot too. Kevin said he has seen her dance a few time and they have some mutual friends. He said that she's very nice to her fans and she remembers them. He said she's a genuine person. Kevin said that he likes her movies too. Howard found out Kevin had a wife but he's divorced now. Kevin said she was a crazy Sicilian.
Howard said that it's time for Alexis to get over to the podium and play the game. Howard said she's going to get lots of plugs if she gets her answers right today. Howard said she should probably be nude for this. Alexis agreed and she got naked. Howard said she looks terrific too. Howard said that she must have just shaved last night. Ron asked what the tattoo was. She said it's Tinkerbell. It's near her vagina. Howard said she must need a bucket of dust to cool that thing down.
Howard asked Alexis ''Which is the nearest star to Earth?'' Alexis said ''The north star.'' Howard said she is incorrect. Howard said it's actually the sun. Howard asked what happened there. Alexis said she didn't know that the sun was a star. She thought it was a planet. One of the guys said she doesn't see the sun that much. She's always in the clubs.
Howard asked who gets to grope her first. Alexis picked Kevin. Kevin went over and went right to her boobs and then to her ass. Howard had him back up a little bit after the grope. Howard asked if he's getting aroused. Kevin said it's getting there. Will said his hands were all wet. Alexis said they were. Kevin said they were not.
Howard asked Alexis ''What game has 18 holes?'' Alexis said ''Mini-golf.'' Howard asked if she was going with mini golf or golf. She went with golf. Howard said that's right so she gets a plug. Howard asked which plug she wanted. She said the movie. Howard said she has DP in this movie and she has a 5 guy blow bang. That's where all 5 guys blow their loads on her and she wipes it all into her mouth. Kevin said he has seen movies like that. He said he wants to see her's though. Howard said the name of the movie is ''Alexis Ford: Dark Side.'' She said that it's a series that Jules Jordan does. Howard asked when the movie will be out. She said it'll be out in September.
Howard asked Alexis ''Spell QUESTION.'' Alexis was able to do it no problem. Alexis got a plug for an appearance she's making in August in South Dakota.
Howard asked Alexis ''What is Venison?'' Alexis said ''who?'' Howard asked it again. Alexis had no idea what it was. She said it was a city. Howard said that's wrong but it was a good try. He said Venice is a city. Howard said that Venison is deer meat. Alexis said she's a vegan.
Howard asked who gets to feel her up next. Alexis picked Matt. Howard said Ron is upset about that. Matt went over and felt her up. Matt said that was pretty good. Alexis said she could tell he's a virgin. She said that he's very nervous. Howard asked if he orgasmed during that. He said he didn't.
Howard asked Alexis ''Fidel Castro led a communist revolution where?'' She said Cuba. Howard said that is correct and she just got another plug. Howard gave her a plug for her web site AlexisFord.net
Howard asked Alexis to finish the phrase ''It was the best of times it was _____'' Alexis thought that it was ''Good times.'' Howard said that is wrong. It's ''The worst of times.'' Howard said that Ron gets to grope her now.
Ron went up and asked if anything goes. Howard said he can't put his penis in her. Ron did an examination according to Robin. He felt her up and Alexis looked like she was going to vomit according to Howard. Ron asked how it felt. She said that she expected more.
Howard asked Alexis ''What is a periodical?'' Alexis said that it's a cycle. Howard asked her to be more specific. She said that it's like a period cycle. Howard said that's interesting and had Fred lock her in on that answer. Howard said that it's actually a magazine. Howard said that a lot of people don't know that. Howard said it's Kevin's turn again. Kevin went over and felt her up again. Howard asked if his hands are wet. Kevin said he swears they're not. Alexis looked traumatized over it. Howard said if she backs up anymore her head will go through the wall. Howard said they'll get her out of there soon enough.
Howard asked Alexis ''Adolph Hitler was the leader of what country?'' She said Germany. Howard gave her a plug for the movie ''50 Shades of Gray XXX'' next.
Howard asked Alexis her last question which was for a group grope. The question was ''What does FDA stand for?'' She said it's Federal Drug Administration. Howard said that's wrong, it's Food and Drug Administration. Howard asked if she's ever been groped by a big group of guys. Howard said that she'll have to let the guys all group grope her. She bent over for the guys and Ron spanked her. Kevin gave her a rub on her belly.
Howard said he wants to give her one more chance at a plug. Howard asked her to spell gourmet. She answered ''GOURMET.'' Howard said that was right and he's glad that she didn't have to get group groped again. Howard gave her a plug for an appearance she's making at Cadillac Jack's in Arizona.
Howard said he thinks that the guys freaked her out more than Lexington Steel's cock in her ass. Alexis did sound pretty shaken up. Howard gave her a bunch of plugs and wrapped up with everyone. Howard told her to go home and take a nice, hot shower. Howard said she's going to go home and become a nun now. Alexis said that they actually inspire her to take on more cock. Howard asked the guys if they were good with what happened. Each of the guys had something to say. Kevin got a little creepy. Howard said that he hopes that Matt gets the girl he was talking about. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he just realized that the shooter guy looks kind of like Benjy if he had red hair. Robin said ''Oh come on.'' Howard had the guys compare Benjy and the shooter, James Holmes. Howard said Beth said that Benjy is looking good after losing some weight. Benjy said he can kind of see it a little bit in the picture. Robin said he has nice eyes. Fred said he thinks that it is the eyes.
Howard said that this guy was rejected by a few women on dating sites. Benjy said he thinks the guy is a reasonably good looking guy.
Howard said that was some game they just played. Howard said she got some plugs out of it. Robin said she did get some right, surprisingly.
Howard said he was reading some news over the weekend and he has to thank Terry Gross. He said he doesn't listen to public radio but he heard she said some cool stuff about him being a genius so that made his day.
Howard said he also finished watching the Bachelorette. Howard said the kid she chose was all lovy with her and he wants to be a dad. He said this guy has no clue what his life is going to be like. Howard said the guy announced on the final show that they've come to the conclusion that he's going to move to Charlotte where she lives. Howard said the guy has met her kid 3 times and he's going to move to be near her. Howard said he's saying all the right things but he really has no clue. Howard said the guy says he can do his ''work'' anywhere. Howard said he's not even sure what he does for a living.
Howard said he was yelling at the TV and Beth had to shush him. He said he gets so angry watching those shows. Howard said he's not sure how they have the time to take a year off to shoot the show. He said if you have a job you stick with that and don't go on some TV show. Howard said the guy who won must be in a family business. He said they must just hand him a paycheck and hope he doesn't fuck things up.
Robin asked if Howard will be watching Bachelor Bad. Howard said he doesn't watch that. He only watches The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Howard said he doesn't want to see that other show. He said it doesn't interest him.
Robin said they have fans joining the show now. Howard said he doesn't care. Robin said that the contestants were going crazy over the host Chris Harrison. Howard said he just left his wife too. Howard said he could be getting laid here and there. Robin said the girls were going crazy over him. Howard said that can get to your head.
Robin started off with a story about sports drinks and high end trainers. She said that people may be wasting their time. Robin said that they found that the sports drinks really don't do what they claim they do. Howard said he figured that. Robin said they say that they're just fashion accessories to exercise.
Robin read about the Chick-Fil-A people coming out and saying they are anti-gay. Howard said that's just screwy. He said it doesn't make sense to be against gay people. He said they run a fast food chicken place so what would they know? Robin said that Boston's mayor wants to ban Chick-Fil-A from the city. Howard said for a company to come out like that just isn't right. Howard said if they said they didn't want to serve black people that would be huge. Robin said the Muppets had a big deal with them and they're ending that now. Howard said he's not sure why you'd want to turn off anyone by doing that. Robin said these people don't think rationally. Howard said he's just talking about from a business standpoint. Robin said that's what she's saying. They're including that in their business.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he finds it funny when his Twitter followers get angry at him for posting the nudes of Beth but it's not like it's pornographic. Howard said people do freak out over them. Howard said people get mad that she won't show her tits too. Howard said he doesn't understand it. Howard said he'd like to see a picture of their wives. Howard said most people are nice on Twitter. He said some of them are brutal. He said someone tweeted Beth after the dog died and write ''Hahaha, your dog just died and you're getting older.'' Howard said that's just brutal. Howard said he's not sure what kind of dark, evil person does that. Howard said that Beth only tweets nice things. He said she showed him that tweet and he said it was almost brilliant because he has to be so miserable that he just had to post that. Howard said he has to be pretty miserable.
Robin asked if Sal is still using that Propecia from India. Howard said he thinks he stopped. Robin said she read about a guy who was using it and now the guy wants to be a woman. Robin said the guy claims that he had noticeable breasts after using it for a while. Robin said his whole body style was changing the more he used it. Robin said now the guy is only attracted to men. Howard read a live commercial and went to break after that.
After the break Robin got back to her news and read a story about the shooting at the Batman movie. Robin said a man was arrested in Maine for carrying a loaded gun into the theater. Robin said the cops were able to find the guy and arrest him with an AK-47 and more weapons at his home. Robin said that this kind of thing may go on as a result of what just happened. Robin said they found guns and thousands of rounds of ammo in his house.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Howard hasn't spoken to her since she became his queen. She said she just wanted to thank him for what AGT has been doing for her and to say she's sorry about Bianca. Mariann said Howard will never get rid of her now that she's his queen. Mariann also said Havana Brown touched his curls and she wants to do that now. She said that's on her bucket list. Howard said Havana did do that. He said she might have wanted it. Robin said that's possible. Howard said she wants some of his decrepit man meat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he hasn't seen Howard in a suit yet on AGT. Howard said he has a nice sports jacket he's wearing either tonight or tomorrow night. Howard said he heard that Sharon's gowns are like 20 grand. He said that she has a designer but they never show her standing up. The caller said he should listen to Beth more. He said Ralph isn't letting him evolve. He said he's keeping him from evolving and he's too casual. Robin said the show is a casual show. Howard said by the finale in September he'll be dressed up. He said he knows what he's doing. The caller said he hopes so. Howard said he always has a plan. That led to Howard playing the call that Sal and Richard made to the dry cleaner using clips of Howard's voice complaining about his favorite pants shrinking after going through the laundry.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the Colorado shooter being in solitary confinement. He's on suicide watch and being kept from the other population because there have been death threats. Robin said a movie theater in New Jersey had to evacuate after someone was seen opening the emergency exit door. Robin said Holmes is also due in court next week.
Howard interrupted and played a new song parody about Robin to the tune of Maroon 5's ''Payphone.'' After that Robin had audio of a judge talking about James Holmes and what was going to be going on with him. Howard said he wishes they could hang him. Howard said the judge sounds like Darth Nihilus. Fred played a quick clip of Darth Nihilus before Howard read a live commercial.
Robin got back to her news and read more about James Holmes. Howard said he thinks that they're talking too much about this guy. He said they're giving him too much publicity. Howard said they should have let us see him acting crazy in court instead of tranquilizing the guy. Robin had a few audio clips of some people trying to figure out what's wrong with the guy. Howard said he thinks this guy is going to end up in a hospital living in the women's ward and getting laid. Robin said he won't be in a hospital. Howard told her to just watch.
Robin had some audio of the family's attorney talking about James Holmes' mother and what she said when she was contacted by a news reporter. Robin had some audio of the mother talking about why she answered what she did. Howard said we should stop referring to the guy by name.
Robin had some audio of Mayor Bloomberg talking about the NRA and the power they think they have in this country. Howard said this guy is a great mayor and he agrees with what he's saying.
Robin read a story about a guy who was supposed to visit a children's hospital as Batman but they canceled because of the shootings.
Robin said that the families of the people who were shot are going to sue the theater for not having alarms on the doors. Howard said they're just trying to put on movies and give people an escape. He said you can't sue the theater owner. Howard said there are nuts in this country and lawyers are such vicious dogs over this stuff. Robin said they're going to sue Warner Brothers over the movie because of the violence in it. Howard said that's ridiculous. He wondered why they don't sue the guy who makes the chairs or the people who make the popcorn since it makes a noise when it pops. Howard said he's so glad he's stupid and he wasn't able to be a lawyer like his father wanted him to. Howard said he thanks god he's stupid.
Robin said Sally Ride died of pancreatic cancer and that really hit her hard. Howard said that really was sad. Howard said someone thought that the song ''Ride Sally Ride'' was about Sally Ride. Howard said that's not the case but it's understandable that someone would make that mistake. Robin talked about who Sally Ride was and some of the things she did in her life. Robin said she was the first woman in space and she did a lot for girls. Howard said she had pancreatic cancer and that's the worst you can get. Howard said that's what got Michael Landon. He said he thinks that Little House on the Prairie gave it to him and maybe to Sally too. Robin had some audio of Sally talking about her flight into space and some other things. Robin said that it's also been revealed that she was in a long term relationship with another woman. Howard said it's lesbians in space. Robin said she was just 61.
Robin read about the NCAA stripping Penn State of their victories and that gives the winningest coach title to another coach. Robin had some audio of that guy talking about how he's not rejoicing and his family isn't either.
Robin read about how Senator John McCain is upset with President Obama over helping the Syrians with weapons. She had some audio of McCain talking about that.
Robin said that today is the say that people can vote for or against Mayor Bloomberg's ban on large sized soft drinks. Robin said they will have a hearing on that today. Howard said Bloomberg is right about that. He said we don't need 32 ounce drinks like that. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon asked Gary if there are any repercussions at all. Gary said he still has his job. Gary said when Howard put out that amnesty deal he knows there were a lot of turning points for Tim. He said that he was put in a bad spot and he must have felt guilty. He said that it became very obvious that it could only be one of two people. It was either Tim or Sal. Jon said people thought it could be Sal too. Gary said Jon thought the turning point was when Howard said it was going to be Gary that would handle it. Jon said that a lot of them assumed that it was Tim. Gary said the funniest part was that Jon thought that he'd have to fire Tim if it was Tim. Gary said he didn't want that to be true.
Jon said Howard played it like magic this morning. He said they didn't know if the DNA test was going to work or not. He said Tim still held out for a while even while that was going on. Gary said it was like an episode of Law & Order with the way things played out. He said Howard smoked him out and it worked.
Jon said he felt bad for Tim but that bathroom was a mess. He said they're still not sure how it got all over. Gary said that someone asked Tim what he ate and he said he had Mexican. That's the only thing he's going to say about that.
Jon said that Benjy was unjustly accused. Benjy said he was afraid there would be a DNA mistake and he'd get in trouble. Benjy said that he thinks that there could have been a mistake and he'd get in trouble. Gary said he didn't suspect Benjy but he did suspect Sal. He said that Sal wouldn't have been able to pull it off for long though.
Jon Leiberman said that JD even left the door open with that 99.9 percent sure thing. Gary said he thinks that if you kept JD awake long enough you could get him to confess to something like that.
Jon asked Leiberman about what Ronnie was saying about him not getting the DNA swabs protected. Leiberman said they had people walking in and out and he wanted to get it done quickly. He said that he put it in a cupcake container and Ronnie thought that the air was going to contaminate it. He said it really didn't matter though. He said the railing had chunks of shit on it and he's not sure how it even got there. He said he would love to see how long Tim was in that bathroom. Gary said it couldn't have been a long time. He said the time between the two was like 12 minutes. Gary said that it could have been 1 minute of shitting and 10 minutes of cleanup.
Jon asked if anyone is upset with what Tim did and what he left in there. Gary said he can understand that it can happen but he's never had it happen like that. Gary said he thinks that he would have cleaned it up in a way that would leave nothing behind. Jon said that Tim also lied about it yesterday. Gary said that's a tough thing. Jon said he understands why he lied but it's not right. Gary said he did swear on the life of his kids and he lied. He said that's a tough thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Tim should be banned from the bathroom. Gary said he doesn't know. He said it sounds funny to say on the air but if it was someone else they might get banned and then let back in 6 months from now.
Leiberman said he can only imagine what that bathroom looked like before he cleaned up. He said it must have been all over the walls. Jon said that there was speculation that he may have carried out his underwear. He said the video tape will show if he left with anything in his hands. Gary said that's why port-a-pottys are so disgusting. He said that's what people like Tim would use in his condition.
Jon took a call from a woman who said this might be some kind of act to show people how angry he is. She said he might need some kind of counseling. Gary said he'd have to buy into him doing it on purpose. The woman said that he never mentioned that he was sick to anyone, did he? She said that if he was sick you'd think he would do that. Benjy said he thinks it would be hard to do this intentionally. Gary said it would be the ultimate act of anger if he did. Leiberman said that was his initial reaction to that. He said he did think that someone may have done it to show their anger. Gary said that's what it was like at K-Rock.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Tim was just going to leave it there for some custodian to take care of. He said that's just the kind of guy he is. Benjy said he thinks that Tim didn't know it was all there. Gary said if it was him he would have come out and told someone what had gone on. He said he would have asked people not go in there and have someone with a mop come in there and clean up. Benjy said it came out the sides and he can see Tim not knowing it did.
Leiberman said he thinks Tim was trying to clean up quickly and he didn't realize how much he had left behind. Shuli said that when you do that there is a lot of noise and you have to look down to see what went on. He said he's not sure how he didn't notice. Leiberman said he has more investigation to do with this story. They had to go to break after that.
Jon said that Sal was unjustly accused too. He asked Sal if he was upset about that. Sal said he knew he was innocent and he knew he wouldn't get in trouble. He said he knows not to shit in that bathroom. He said he farts sometimes and stinks it up out there. Sal said he's not offended that he was on the list at all.
Jon asked Sal if he would be upset if he was banned from the bathroom. Sal said that he understands that but this guy sprayed the whole bathroom with shit. Gary said it's once in 7 years. Sal said it's forgivable then.
Leiberman asked Sal about his farting all over the place there. Sal said he had some bad gas a few weeks ago and that has blown over.
Jon said that Tim also revealed that he left his iPad in his cab this morning. Sal said that he should have the Find My iPad app on there. He said he asked him about it and Tim just looked at him with a glazed look on his face and left.
Will came in and said he doesn't think Tim had any idea he had made so much of a mess. He said that's just the kind of guy he is. He doesn't notice what's going on there. Sal said when he worked in the pizzeria they were near a mental institution and there was a guy who constantly blew his nose into a handkerchief and then one day he just stopped and pissed himself out on the street and kept going. He said that's what Tim is like. He said he just goes in there and shits like a hippo and moves along.
The guys said that there is still shit on the walls in the bathroom and the cleaning crew won't clean it. Gary said they need to do a major cleaning and maybe a repaint of the walls in there now.
Benjy asked if Tim talked to anyone this morning before that. Leiberman said that he did and he had no comment.
Jon said that Howard isn't kidding when he says he heard ''blah, blah, blah'' with Jason yesterday. Gary said he gets that when Howard's eyes just go to another place.
Jon asked Will about the contest they had today where Alexis Ford answered trivia. Will said that she told him that she was an awful speller but she did fine which kind of pissed him off. He said that they put the word out for contestants to contact them and they got a few guys to respond.
Jon asked Sal if he knew the answers to all of the questions. Sal said it was all pretty simple stuff. Will asked him what the capital of Texas is. Sal said he doesn't live there so he doesn't care. Sal said it's Austin. Ronnie said he just told him it was Dallas. Sal said he thought that he said Austin.
Sal said he's a pretty good speller. He said he'd go up against Gary in a spelling thing. Jon asked if Kevin knew porn better than Richard back in the day. Gary said he thinks that guy has a longer history with porn. He said that Alexis was there with a girl from Penthouse who said that Kevin is well known at every porn event, not just Alexis' events. Will said he was all sweaty and disgusting too. He said it wasn't his hands, it was his whole body.
Jon said he thinks that he didn't know it was that much of a mess. Will and Sal said the same thing. Sal said he thinks that he just went in and got out. Leiberman said he thinks that he did realize it was a mess and he did clean up a little bit. Jon asked Ronnie what he thinks. Ronnie said he has a history of it and seeing the log of the history showed it was him. He said he thinks he didn't get his pants down in time and didn't make it to the seat. He said it must have been a major explosion. Jon said that means he may have been walking around with fecal matter on his pants.
Ronnie said he's had things like this happen to him twice. He said he had one in the car. He said this was a really long time ago. Will said it must be when he was in his 50s. Ronnie said he got this bad attack and it must have happened to Tim too. Ronnie said he knew he was in trouble and it was going to explode. He said he grabbed the NY Times and the Post and threw it on his seat. He said he exploded in his suit and it went through to the newspaper. He said he had to walk from the car on his tiptoes. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Gary asked where Tim's story fits into the grand history of the show. Gary said Robin got hosed down once and Fred the Elephant Boy shit himself on the train and showed up to an appearance he made. He didn't change or throw out anything.
Jon took a call from Ralph who said that Tim is off the hook today and he has to pay in some way. Gary said he's not off the hook completely. Ralph asked how the shit got all over the walls. Gary asked if he thinks today is the last day that this will be discussed. Ralph said no. Gary said he thinks that by Monday they'll be back on it and people will be asking how it happened.
Ralph asked if Tim should have to wear diapers now. Shuli said yes. He said he imagines it like the feeling hit him immediately and as he was going to sit down he shit. Leiberman said that he had to have shit on his hands because there was shit by the light switch.
Gary told Shuli to tell the story he had about Tim. Shuli said that afternoon Tim came to the news room and he went into the Lisa G cookie tin and grabbed cookies out of it. Ronnie said that she put that tin out today and she was eating out of it. He said he asked her what the hell she was doing. Ronnie said Tim took a handful of cookies out and threw him on his desk. Will said that's like recycling. Jon and the guys wrapped up the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
THoHS:A2 - Baba Booey Is Born. 01/02/09. 10:00am
After the break we heard Jim Forbes saying that on July 26, 1990 Gary found out the hard way what's in a name. Gary came on and said that he's always asked how he came to be called Baba Booey. He said that he'd like to just play a tape of what happened but he has to explain how he screwed up the name of a cartoon character.
They played the audio of Howard talking to Robin about how Gary collects cartoon art. After a short time Gary tells Howard that he's going to be buying a new cartoon cell of ''Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Booey.'' The character's name is actually ''Baba Louie'' but Gary got it wrong. Here's what I wrote up in a previous replay of this segment:
Howard was talking to Gary about the cartoon art cells he had been collecting and talked to him about the cells he had already and what he had coming soon. Howard was doing his impression of Gary and goofing on him about that stuff. Then Gary said he was going to be buying a few more. He mentioned a couple of Bugs Bunny cells he was going to buy and why he was buying them. He said they were animated cells which were not actually used in the movies. He said they're exactly like what was in the movie but most of the originals have been destroyed. Howard said that Gary is now an art collector. He continued to goof on him about spending his money on that kind of crap.
Gary said that he likes a lot of the Fritz Frehling stuff that's out there. He said that the Jay Ward cartoons are worth a lot of money too. Howard said he had no idea these guys were sitting around still drawing that stuff. Robin still didn't know what he meant by a ''cell'' so Gary had to explain that to her. He said it's a single frame of an animation. Howard asked if the people laugh when he goes into the store. Gary said the store was actually very busy yesterday.
Gary said that one of the women who works there used to be on TV and in a movie. They talked about her for a short time. They goofed on Gary about that for a few minutes and then found out that he pays about $600 for a cell. Gary said he thinks that they're an investment. They were just selling for about $300 a couple of years ago. Howard did more of his Gary impression and continued to goof on him. Howard said he likes how Gary squanders his money on trinkets like that. Jackie said it's like when Ralph Cramden came home with the house made of Popsicle sticks that were supposed to be from the king of some country thinking it was going to be worth something.
Howard asked Gary how big the cells are. Gary said they're about 11 by 17 inches. Howard told Robin that Gary had just bought some magic beans too. He wondered if he did that so they'd stop goofing on his mouth. Howard also joked that one of Gary's teeth is about 11 x 17. Howard said Gary sold the family car when he was in high school and ended up buying the Brooklyn Bridge with that money. He also said that he bought some clay that used to be Gumby. The Pokey clay had been destroyed. Howard did his impression of Gary talking to his mother about buying that stuff. He and Jackie were cracking up laughing while going over all of that.
Robin said that she was surprised that Gary wasn't into Hercules and stuff. Gary said there are a lot of other things that he could buy. He was thinking about getting a ''Quick Draw McGraw and a Baba Booey.'' Howard asked him how much a Baba Louie goes for and Gary repeated the ''Baba Booey'' thing again. Howard immediately picked up on that and started goofing on him about the ''Baba Booey'' screw up.
Howard said that Gary likes to collect a lot of crap and continued to goof on him about collecting those cartoon art cells. Gary said he was exhausted with that stuff. He had to get going. Howard said he had to yell at Gary about some stuff this morning. He said he had to go off on him about the articles he likes to save about himself. He said he had to tell Gary that he has to clip those articles out and put them in a folder for him. They were still talking about the Baba Booey thing and goofing on Gary about that. Robin brought it up and laughed at him for calling that character by the wrong name.
After that clip we heard Gary explaining how Quick Draw would call Baba Louie ''Baba Boy'' in the cartoons but Howard didn't want to play any clips of that. Gary said that the knew that the Baba Booey name was big and his Baba Booey was the number 2 most famous clip on the show just a few moths later. He said that it's become the thing to say when you don't know what to say on camera or when you prank call someone.
Gary said that one of his favorite moments was when Stephen Colbert did that during an interview. They've even done it in Family Guy and a bunch of other shows. He said it's amazing how it's lasted so long.
In another K-Rock clip we heard Howard talking about a cartoon he was watching where the character was saying ''Baba Booey.'' That led to Gary coming in and talking about it being on a local channel where they have this talking cat. It was the Woody Woodpecker hour on that channel. Gary told Howard that the Baba Booey thing wasn't that funny anymore. Gary said that he has people roll down their window and say ''Hey Baba Booey!''
Jackie told Howard about a guy who told him a joke at one of his shows that was a Baba Booey thing. It was something like ''What do you get when you mix a sheep, a ghost and Cousin Brucie?'' He said it was obvious what he was going for with ''Ba ba Boo E.'' Howard didn't think that it was that obvious. Howard ended up goofing on Gary about him saying something about that Baba Booey thing being his little niche.
In the clip Howard and Robin were preparing for a Mystery Guest to come in. They had the guest come in after they were all blindfolded. Howard and Robin asked questions and tried to guess who it was. They eventually figured out it was Clarence Clemons.
Howard said Clarence is back for his second try with Robin. Howard said he thought it would be funny to see the look on Robin's face to have him in there. Howard said Clarence invited himself back in there. He was just there two weeks ago or so. Howard said he made a play for Robin and he's in love with her.
Howard replayed some of the appearance Clarence made a couple of weeks back where he was sweet talking Robin and telling her what he'd like to do with her.
Howard said this is like Mike Tyson hitting someone in the jaw with his best punch and they don't go down. Howard said every guy has gone through this kind of thing. He said the man has to make the first move and it's not comfortable to do. Howard said he's just throwing it out there to see what sticks. Howard said Clarence went nuts when he saw Robin. Clarence said it was a magical moment. Howard said Robin teased him to the point of blue balls. Robin told him to stop it. She said they don't need to re-live this. Howard said they really do.
Howard said Clarence is upset because he went to Bruce Springsteen's house and told him he was going to bang her and he hasn't been able to do it yet. Robin said this is an embarrassing thing. She said she's not angry at Clarence.
Howard asked Clarence how he's going to make this up with Robin. Robin said she doesn't mix business with pleasure. She said the show is business. Howard said this is real serious business. He said there's no reason to have uncomfortable feelings there. Robin said she'll leave when he comes in if he wants her to. Clarence said he's not over the fact that she didn't call him back. Robin said that he'll get over it. Clarence said he thinks he's over it right now.
Howard said he thought he was going to be in her pants. He thought it was a done deal. Robin told him to stop lying. Howard said he really thought he was going to be in her pants that afternoon. Clarence said that wasn't his main objective. Howard said he would have given her a week at the most.
Howard said he heard Clarence called Robin and got all romantic with her. Robin said she might have to bring that call in so everyone can hear it.
Howard said Clarence seems to be very good at this. Robin said she has a separate life from this show. She said that she doesn't even know how to explain it but it has nothing to do with Clarence. She said her business life and personal life are separate. Howard asked if Clarence should avoid getting to know her personally. Howard said she does go roller blading and horseback riding after the show. He said she might be trying to warn him.
Howard said every guy can understand this. He said they've all been through it. Howard said people love a romance story though. He said that's why they do so well at the movies. Robin said she hates those kind of movies. Howard said America thought they were going to have a romance there. Howard said Clarence made his play and it didn't work. Howard said this could have been a romance. Clarence said he gave her his best stuff too.
Robin said that she is very angry over this and she may have to leave the show after this. Howard said she's not allowed in his studio. Howard said Robin is always saying it's just a show. Howard said he'll take his lumps.
Howard said they have to plug Clarence's new album. Howard said if he had just nailed her everything would be fine. Howard said she'd be yelling at Clarence instead. Robin said she's not speaking to Howard, Fred, Jackie, Fred, Gary or Billy. Billy said he didn't even do anything. Robin said that he was in the room so he's on the list.
Clarence said he's not sure what to say. He said he won't call her again. Howard wondered what he did that was so bad. Robin said he had him in as a mystery guest. Jackie said they all had that idea individually. Robin said that's why she's so angry with all of them. Howard said Jackie had the idea to have him in but he didn't know that Gary had already booked it.
Howard asked Clarence about the new album and if it's doing well. Clarence said it is doing well. He thanked Howard for having him back in. Robin was still going off on everyone about the whole set up. She said she wouldn't get involved with anyone in rock and roll after this. Howard said he's in the dog house after all of this. He asked if she'll give Clarence a signed 8x10 as a parting gift. Robin asked if it's before she breaks it or after.
Howard asked if he could give the picture to Clarence. He just gave it to him without Robin approving. Clarence kissed it and said ''What could have been...'' Howard said he'll see her after the break.
Various Stuff. 7/26/01. 6:05am
Howard did a recap of what's happened on the show this week because so much has been going on. He mentioned the AJ Benza / Stuttering John fight and played a clip of the fight and Gary tells AJ to ''Go home'' to calm down. Howard said his agent thought that Gary was using some new ''street lingo'' meaning ''to chill out'' or something like that. Howard had to explain to his agent that he was literally telling him to ''go home'' and it wasn't any new street lingo. Howard went on to play a clip of AJ from yesterday's show where he talked about the whole fight. In that clip you could hear Beetlejuice snoring as he slept through the whole phone call. Howard said he let AJ go on and on just so he could watch Beetlejuice sleeping on the couch. He said he was fascinated with that whole thing.
In the clip Howard was talking about Gary's new girlfriend going to Jackie's party. Howard said Gary met her when she came down there to get into bed with him. He said she ended up with Gary. Howard said Gary just picked up one of his extras. Howard said Fred's girlfriend wanted Fred for some bizarre reason. Howard said Gary's girlfriend is totally illegitimate. Howard said Gary doesn't get it.
Howard asked what she was wearing at the party. Gary said it was a very flowery dress. Jackie said he has never seen her in anything that isn't tight. Gary said she wanted to wear these huge heels and he didn't think it looked proper.
Jackie said that Gary almost had her on Larry's vanity. Gary said they wanted to do it there but they didn't. Howard said Gary is really happy now. He said he called him last night and he was on the other line with his girlfriend. Howard said he told him to stop it and get over it. Howard said he thinks he was having phone sex with her. Howard said this is a girl who would dump him in seconds if he gave her the word.
Howard said taking that girl to the parties that the people from the show are having is her dream. He said that's why she's dating him. Howard said this girl wants him to sign her ass and she's not interested in Gary. Howard said Gary is falling in love with her though. Robin said he has told her that it's semi-serious.
Howard said Fred would be pumping her if he hadn't found someone. He said there are about 50 people ahead of Gary on that list. He said Scott the Engineer might be ahead of Gary on that list.
Howard said Gary can't bring that girl to his house even if he's with her for 15 years. Howard said she's a groupie and a fan. Gary said she actually hired him to do some work for her so that's how he met her. Howard said she came up there and lifted up her dress for him on the show. That's how he met her.
Howard said Gary is in love with her. Gary said he's really not. Howard said she has a great body. Gary agreed with that.
Howard said he wouldn't have minded taking a dip into her pool of love. Howard said this girl walks around like she's looking for it. Howard said you have to wonder how many other guys she's been with. Howard said you get paranoid and sniff around her wondering if Scott the Engineer or some of the DJs there have been with her. Howard asked if she says ''Who's this?'' when he calls and says ''Hi honey.''
Robin said they should call her and find out. Howard said she won't be honest about it. Howard asked if she was freaking out at the party. Jackie said she was having fun. He said he's sure she would have toned it down a bit at the party. Robin said she'll be all over Howard if he ever shows up to a party. Howard said he was going to have everyone over to his house when he gets that finished. Howard said he won't let Gary bring her. He said his old girlfriend, Nancy, wasn't a groupie and she was a nice girl. Howard said this girl is a whacko. Gary said she's no whacko. Howard said she's not coming to his house. He said she'd either totally ignore him or she'd go completely bonkers. Howard said she's a fan.
Castrating Priests. 07/26/06. 7:25am
Howard took a call from a woman who suggested that all priests should be castrated before they get into the priesthood. Howard asked the guys in the studio if they agreed with her about that. Robin and Fred were against that. Fred thought it was a nutty idea. Howard asked the woman if she has confronted her local priest about having that done. She said she has but he's also against it. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
The caller, Angela, said her friend's son was molested by a Catholic priest a few years ago and now he's really messed up. Howard said he thinks she's onto something. Robin said that the problem is parents letting their kids go alone to a church event where they're alone with the priests. Artie suggested that the church just let Priests get laid and that might help the problem of molestation.
In the clip Howard was talking to Al as if he was a Rabbi. Al was giving Howard some Yiddish words and explaining what they mean. Fred was also playing a woman named Bernice.
Howard went to the phones and tried to find someone to play a game of ''Not For Goyim Only'' with them. Howard picked up on a guy who said he was Italian but Howard thought he sounded Jewish. Howard told him they were going to ask him a question. Robin asked if Jesus had any siblings. the caller said ''Of course not'' so he was wrong. Howard hung up on him. Howard picked up on another caller and he claimed to be Catholic. Howard didn't like that guy either so he hung up and picked up on a woman who claimed to be Catholic too. Howard asked her a few questions but she just wanted to get on with this.
Robin asked the woman who Saint Ann is. She didn't know. She said that it was a ball player. She said there is more than one too. Howard gave up on that caller too.
Howard picked up on a woman who said she's protestant and she does hate a few Jews. She said she doesn't like their egos and that they're rich. Robin asked who Martin Luther is. The caller said she doesn't really know. Robin said she isn't much of a protestant. The caller said she's not a church going protestant.
Howard asked what kind of lawn furniture she has. She told Howard what it was and everyone said that's what a protestant would buy. Howard said if she got it at Fortunoffs then she's Jewish.
Robin asked what the high holidays are in the Christian religions. She mentioned Christmas and Easter so they figured she might be Protestant. Howard said that he'd let her play and put her on hold while they went to break.
After the edited out break Howard came back and talked about the Billy Joel song they were just playing. Howard and the guys spent a short time on that.
Al told Howard about this cleaning woman he had living at his house named Laberta. Al and Fred made up these stories about the woman and said that she was stealing from them and things like that. Howard said it sounds like they're stereotyping her like she's all black people. They spent a few minutes telling Howard about the new cleaning woman they have now. Howard took another break after that.
After the edited out break Howard came back to play ''Not For Goyim Only'' with the caller. He got her back on the phone and had her trying to say some words they were throwing out there for her with the ''chh'' sound in them. She wasn't able to do it so Howard figured she definitely wasn't Jewish. Al gave her a word and had her guess what the meaning of the word was. She got it right so they wrapped up.
Stephen Baldwin comes in. 7/26/96.
Before Stephen was at the studio he called in from his car phone and told the Playmates to stay there so he could say hi to them. I guess Stephen knows them from somewhere and he just wanted to say a quick 'hello' before they left. Mr. Baldwin came in to plug his new movie, Fled, which came out last week. He stars in it with Laurence Fishburne. He also came in to just hang out for a little while. During one commercial break when Howard went to the bathroom to take a leak, Stephen borrowed one of the E! cameras and followed Howard into the bathroom. Howard said that he looked over to see who was in there with him and it was Stephen with the damn camera trying to get a shot of his little pecker! He didn't get a clear shot of it though. Stephen thought the questions that Howard asked the girls were really funny. While doing the news this morning Robin mentioned that Paul Buttafuoco, son of Joey, was arrested for shoplifting. Mary Jo called in to explain that little nightmare just like she explains her husbands screw ups. She tried to defend him but her lawyer, Dominic Barbara, called in and told her not to say anything else. I guess she wasn't LYING like a lawyer would...
In the clip Howard told Robin that he had his press conference yesterday and he had some audio of that to play for her. Howard played some of the audio and the first reporter he spoke to was from the station that Bree Walker worked at. Howard spent a few minutes talking to that guy about Bree. Howard said he was trying to be serious but the other guys there were cracking up.
Howard ended up going off on another reporter who was asking dopey questions. Howard said he was just annoyed with the questions. Robin said that woman was kind of antagonistic.
Howard spoke to one woman who Andy Bloom said was very good looking. Howard asked how big her breasts were. Andy said she had a coat on so he couldn't tell. Howard asked a bunch of questions about her being blonde all over and things like that. Howard was asked about the Rodney King case and Howard said he doesn't like people going around in high speed chases and sometimes the cops have to smack a guy around.
Howard said this is some press conference. He and Robin spent a minute talking about what they had just heard. Howard said the L.A. cops are a little stupid. He said they beat the guy outside where people have cameras. Howard said the New York cops will beat a guy in the basement so no one can see. Howard said there are a lot of guys who are known criminals in New York and the cops will take them into the basement and smack them around. He said no one knows the difference and those guys will behave themselves.
In the clip Howard said he likes Senator D'Amato and that's why he got involved with him. He said he just wants a good senator in office. Howard said he was invited to his book party and he said he would be there for him and try to convince people to vote for him. He said he did it with others and he did it for D'Amato. Howard said he hates Imus and he's an anti-Semite. Howard said he was a drunk when he knew him. He said he was a coke head when he knew him. Howard said Imus tried to end his career and then he stole everything he ever did. Howard said he would fire Al Rosenberg and then he saved Al. Then Imus hired the guy back. Howard said the guy is a skunk and he won't set foot in the room with him. He said that he feels pretty strongly about all of this. He said he saw Imus walk up to a secretary and call her the N-word. Howard said he isn't going to deal with this guy.
Howard said D'Amato's people pressured him for a half hour trying to get him to come. Howard said he told them that he wouldn't go but they kept on him and he finally agreed to go. Howard said this was no bit he was doing. He said he feels the same on and off the air about Imus. He didn't want to be at that party with Imus. He said he eventually broke down and said he will be there. He said he won't show up but he told them he would.
Howard said he handled that in his own way. He said he did avoid the calls for a long time. He had to take them eventually. Howard said he handled it like Robin handled Clarence Clemons.
Howard said he wants to get a tattoo of him f'ing the skull of Don Imus. He said he has never told the senator not to go on the Imus show. He said he can go on that show but he doesn't have to show up to the senator's party. Howard said he just won't go.
In the clip Howard picked up on Dice who was calling in from the set of his new movie ''Ford Fairlane.'' Howard said he had a comedy troupe coming in too so Dice can talk to them.
Howard had Gary bring in the gay comedy troupe. Howard said he and Dice are still speaking once a weekend or so. He said that they spend like an hour a weekend or so. He said that they're talking like friends now. Dice asked if that's a good or bad thing. Howard said it's good. Dice said he doesn't talk to any other radio stations other than Howard. Howard said Sam was going on every other show. He said that's why they're not friends now.
Howard asked Dice how the movie is going. Dice said it's going good and it's going to be the hit of 1990. He said Wayne Newton is in it and he's excellent. He said Priscilla Presley is in it. Howard asked if he banged her. Dice said he didn't but he likes her. He said her manager asked if he was doing a character or playing himself in the movie. He said she was afraid that it wouldn't be dignified and she had to protect her image. Dice said they told the manager that she's not Elvis.
Howard asked if the gay comedy group will do a movie. They said they could do that. Dice asked them to do a routine for him. One of the guys did a bit that didn't go over so well. Dice asked who that jerkoff was. He said he was just kidding though.
Howard spent another minute with Dice and started to wrap up with him. Dice asked if he was giving him the brush off. Howard said he wasn't but Dice felt it was like a brush off so he could get to the gay comedians.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Dice talking to him about appearing on Arsenio Hall's show and things like that. Dice said he likes Arsenio and he has known him for 10 years. He said Dice fought for him and he's not going to bad mouth him. Howard said he knows he worked hard. Howard and Robin were goofing on Arsenio but Dice refused to say anything bad about the guy. Howard tried to wrap up again but Dice said he was brushing him off again. Howard said he can't talk to him and to the comedians at the same time.
Howard asked the gay guys where they perform and stuff like that. Dice said he can't wait to come in there. He was goofing on the comedians and asked if they mind the kind of stuff he does. One of the guys said he doesn't mind.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to the gay comedy guys and Dice. Howard said he had to take a break but he'd keep Dice on the line if he wanted to stay. Dice was into it so Howard kept him on. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard came back and asked Dice if he's hanging with Axl Rose and those guys. Dice said he has and he likes those guys. Dice said they gave him a nice leather vest. Howard got to the gay comedy guys and asked them some questions. One of the guys told Howard how he broke the news to his mother at Thanksgiving. He said he asked her to pass the gravy to a homosexual. One of the guys was cracking jokes and Dice said he can't stop laughing out there. He wasn't laughing.
Howard talked to the guys about where they work and how they get treated. They said that they've done AIDS jokes and they've gotten hissed. Dice told Howard that he has done the same clubs they have and he's done AIDS jokes and doesn't get hissed. Howard let Dice go a short time later after he got in some plugs for what he was going to be doing.
Howard talked to the gay comedy troupe for a little longer. Howard asked the guys about their act and if they do things together. They said they do their own acts and it's not a group act. They just do their shows as three guys.
Howard talked to the guys about their voices and how they're not very masculine. Howard said they have to have a real voice in there somewhere. The guys said that is their real voice.
Howard talked to one of the guys about his sex life and found out some details about his first time with a guy. They went through all of the details.
One of the guys was saying his mother is probably listening and didn't want to give too many details. Howard said they should call her. He said she's probably listening. He gave Howard the number. Howard and Robin spent a little more time talking to the other guys about their sex lives.
Howard tried calling the mom of the one guy but she refused to be on the air and hung up. Howard said he couldn't have her on if she didn't want to be on the air.
Howard asked the guys if they ever had gay names. They claimed that they haven't. Howard said there you have gay comedy. They wrapped up a short time later.
New Mel Gibson Tape. 07/26/10. 9:50am
Howard had Fred play Robin into her news with a Little Mikey song parody about her clitoris. Howard said he had new Mel Gibson tapes to play too. Howard played the tape before Robin got into her news. In the tape Oksana picks up and Mel starts to go off on her about how pissed off he was at her. He said that she was talking about what a great dad he was after she had said he was a bad dad. He said she offends him on every level. Mel said he despises her and doesn't want her back. He said she's not a woman she wants and she's a fake and a sham. He said she couldn't make him happy, ever. He called her a cunt a few times too.
Howard said Mel really needs to release a tape of himself being nice to a woman on the phone. He made up a conversation he could have with Mother Theresa.
Howard played more of Mel yelling at Oksana. Mel was saying that it was time to let the games begin. He said he was sorry he ever hooked up with her. He said he hopes she doesn't sleep and she just wastes. He said that she ruined him and she's an ingrate. Mel said that this wasn't the nicotine, this was the truth. He called her a ''using bitch'' and hung up.
Howard said that was a good one. He said it shows him from going to 0-60 within seconds. Howard said he calls her a cunt within just a few seconds. He said Oksana was good keeping her mouth shut and just letting the tape go. Howard said he thinks the guy is ruined and untouchable now.
Howard said he saw Mel's last movie but he saw it at home. He didn't go out to see it. Robin said that's what she did too. She said that Woody Allen is still working after what he did. She thinks that Mel will work again too. Howard said they should do a road trip-buddy movie with Mel, Woody and Roman Polanski.
In the clip Howard said Out of the Closet Stern and Mr. Blackswell would be there to interview Fred Berry. Howard said he's the guy who played the fat guy on ''What's Happening'' back in the 70s.
Howard spent a little time goofing on their engineer and then went to break. After the edited out break Howard came back and went into his Out of the Closet Stern character. Fred also became Mr. Blackswell. They spent a short time talking before getting to Fred Berry on the phone. Howard pretended to mistake Fred for Ken Berry. They had some fun with that for a minute and then Fred said that he's black and Ken was white.
Howard asked Fred about what kind of money he made on that show. Fred said he did okay and he's independently wealthy. He said he's divorced. Howard said he hopes he doesn't like women. Howard said he likes him and he's very turned on by black men. Fred said he is straight.
Howard asked Fred Berry what he's doing now. Fred said he just did two movies. He said he shot them in Miami Beach. He said he did one with Jackie Mason. Howard asked if Fred is still very big. Fred laughed. Howard said being heavy is marvelous for your heart and forget what the doctors say. Berry told Howard about the other jobs he's had lately. Howard said that Fred is marvelous. He thanked him for joining them on NBC. He wrapped up with him a short time later.
Tabitha Stevens Brother/Sister Date Update. 07/26/04. 7:20am
Last Friday porn star Tabitha Stevens was in to go out on a date with a Brother/Sister team that came in. Two teams competed for the ''date'' and the winners turned out to be Aubrey and Brandon. Howard had Tabitha, Aubrey and Brandon on the phone to talk about their ''date.'' Tabitha said they went back to their place and they had roses on the bed for her. She and Aubrey had some drinks but Brandon couldn't drink because he was underage. Aubrey said that Tabitha made them very comfortable. Howard said he saw some tape of Aubrey working ''downstairs'' on Tabitha and Brandon was getting some stuff done to him. They were doing stuff at the same time so it's kind of weird when a brother and sister are doing stuff to her at the same time.
Howard said he'd like to do a contest where they try to figure out who Tabitha won't do. Howard also wondered what was in this for Aubrey because she only pleased Tabitha and she never got the same thing back. Aubrey thought the whole thing was weird and didn't want to do anything in front of her brother. She thought it was kind of creepy as well. He said he never looked down below while his sister was doing stuff to Tabitha. Howard jokingly said that he was inspired by them and had sex with his sister that day.
Howard said he has plans for Tabitha but she interrupted and said that she won't go out with Gary Busey who she just met this weekend. She went to Bill Maher's house for a house warming party. That led to Howard talking about how much Maher hates him these days for some reason. Artie told Howard about the things that pissed him off a while back when he was on the show. Maher was talking about how the terrorists were ''brave'' a couple of years ago and when he came on the show, Howard and the guys ganged up on him and goofed on him.
Tabitha told Howard about meeting Gary Busey and how he was telling her to tell Howard that he's going to come on the show and make Howard and Robin laugh really hard. She had no idea what he was talking about though. Howard asked her about this party and what else went on there. She said she didn't have sex with anyone and she actually left the party a little early. Tabitha said some of the women there were kind of cute but not Playboy models. She showed up to the party with porn legend Ron Jeremy. Howard figured she meant that the chicks were ''busted'' looking. She said they really weren't that bad though.
Howard asked Aubrey and Brandon if they were happy with their ''date.'' Aubrey said it was okay but it would have been better if her brother had gotten locked in the bathroom or something. Howard heard that they talked to their mother about this date after it was all done. They said they did talk to her because she wanted to know about it.
Howard gave Tabitha a couple of plugs for her web sites TabithaStevens.com and TabithaMessages.com. He also said that the next time she's in, they're going to try to find someone she won't have sex with. He mentioned that there's a picture on his web site of Tabitha with her ass crack showing.
Howard wrapped up the phone calls and said he has a bunch of stuff to talk about. They have the Benjy tape that people have requested a replay on. Later in the show they have M. Night Shyamalan calling in to talk about his latest movie ''The Village.'' Howard went to break so they could get to all of that stuff.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Andrew Dice Clay and asked what's going on with him. Howard said they have a weird thing going on. He said Dice's movie was horrible and Dice must know that. He said he can't lie and say it's a good movie. Howard said he walked out on it after 45 minutes. Howard said Dice ended up going on the Philadelphia Zookeeper's show. He said he called Dice and asked him about it and Dice got all worked up about it. He said Dice told him not to do this to him by bringing it up on the air. Howard said Dice hung up. Howard said Dice told him to call Hottub Johnny to get tickets to his show so he told Dice to just eat him and have a nice life. Howard said he's not going to let him treat him like a dick. He said he promised him tickets and then took them away.
Howard said he still thinks Dice is talented but he has put out some clunkers lately. Howard said he put out that movie and put out a bad album. Howard said he's done the same thing. He put out a bad album and he tells people not to buy it.
Howard talked about some of the bad reviews their TV show gets. Robin told Howard about a show she taped that was just awful. She said Tom Arnold was on the show and Roseanne was standing on the side coaching him on what to say. She said it was really bad.
Howard got back to Dice and said that they aren't talking aright now. He said that Dice will need him again eventually. He said he will come back to the show. Howard spent a few minutes talking about how bad this movie ''Ford Fairlane'' is and how he knew it was bad when he read the script. Howard said they edited out a bunch of scenes and they were actually funny scenes. Howard said they changed around the movie a lot from what the script was too. He spent a few more minutes talking about that and then wrapped up and went to break.
Artie's Phone Number Giveaway Aftermath. 07/26/07. 6:00am
Howard started off the show talking about the great show they had coming up. He said they always have a great show of course. He then asked Artie about what happened after he gave out his phone number late in the show after being inspired by a news story that Robin read. Artie said that he wasn't even able to get through to check his voice mail for at least 5 hours. He was out shooting ''Rescue Me'' until 11 last night.
Artie said he eventually got through to the voice mail and there were 116 messages. He said it was just people yelling out his name and saying that they couldn't believe he did something like that. He said he could only listen to about 40 of them though. There were some chicks giving him life advice and stuff like that too. The calls came in from all over the country.
Artie said he was walking up to his door at about 11 last night and his phone was ringing so he had to take the phone off the hook. He was going to change the number soon anyway but he has to pull the messages off before he does that. He said he took the phone and put it back on the hook this morning and the phone started ringing immediately.
Artie said he picked up the phone since it was ringing and the guy told him to get to work because he was late. Artie started taking the calls and people were telling him to go to work. Artie said he left the phone off the hook so he wouldn't bother his neighbors since the walls are so thin. He said the fans seemed to be very excited about the whole thing.
Artie said that the fans couldn't believe he did such a thing. Howard told him that maybe he should leave the phone hooked up and let the fans keep calling. Artie said there were a couple of callers who said they were going to have every drunk in the bar call him tonight. Howard said it might be cool to talk to some of the fans. it's almost like his own SternFanNetwork. Artie said he could be like Mutt. Most of the calls were very complimentary according to Artie. He said that there were some about his weight and they were like a wake up call for him.
Artie To Keep Old Phone Number, Let Fans Call? 07/26/07. 6:10am
Howard said Jon Hein came in to play some clips from the Wrap Up Show and he was talking to him about the calories that are in a buttered bagel. They figured that they're worth about 900 calories alone. Artie had a bagel there so he told Howard that he didn't have his Starbucks thing this morning since he woke up so late.
Howard said he asked Jon Hein what he thinks about Artie being a diabetic. Jon thinks that Artie will be one within a year even though he's fine right now. Artie said he thinks that could be true unless he loses weight. He said that he could lose the weight if he could get motivated to do it.
Howard said he was surprised that Artie wasn't able to do even one pull up yesterday. Artie said he could never do all that many, he could do only about 3 at his best.
Robin told Artie that the bagel he had was actually more like 600 calories after she looked it up. She didn't think it was 900 like Howard said earlier.
Howard took some phone calls about Artie's phone number giveaway. One guy asked if Artie was still giving away trips to Vegas like he did yesterday. Fred suggested that he give one to High Pitch Mike since he seems to need to get laid. Howard thinks that Mike is into chicks but Artie questioned that.
One caller said that his SIRIUS radio has been broken for a little while now and he can't listen to Howard unless he's on hold or something. He said he's been listening to the crap on regular radio and it really sucks. That caller asked for Artie's number since he missed the show yesterday. Artie said it's (201)... but his mouth was full of bagel so he had to wash it down with Hawaiian Punch. He gave it out again after he washed it down. The number was (201) 876-3239.
Artie said he was on the set of ''Rescue Me'' yesterday and he was asking the guys what they do to stay in shape. They were asking him what he was eating and drinking and found out he drinks Hawaiian Punch and burst out laughing.
Bobo called in and said that he saw Artie on ''Rescue Me'' last night and he looked like a beached whale. Artie said that was the whole idea. He said he caught the episode when he got home last night and he said his mother was startled when she saw him banging a nun who was wearing his habit.
Another caller said that he was trying to get through to Artie's machine but he wasn't able to get into it because someone was listening to it. Artie said that's Scott the Engineer listening to them and recording them for the air. Another guy said he tried calling and heard that it was full so he couldn't leave a message. Artie cleared off about 40 messages last night but they filled right back up.
One caller said that Artie's number is going to be the next 867-5309. He said he was calling it a few times and his wife was wondering what was going on. He said he was just calling his new buddy.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who got him talking about the staff glomming stuff from the show. Howard said that he saw some pictures of Gina and they weren't all there. He said that there were like 50 pictures and they only got a few of them. Howard said he told Gary to send them all there. Gary said the pictures haven't been cleared yet. Gary said they sent over everything she approved. Howard said they only got like 5. Gary said he sent over everything that was approved.
Howard also asked about what he's glomming. Gary said the only thing he got was tickets to a concert. Howard said he wants a list of everything.
Stuttering John had someone on the phone from Simon and Schuster who said Gary was lying. Howard took the call from Bonnie who said that they only got 5 pictures. Gary said he doesn't think he screwed up. He said he's pretty sure he sent them all over. Howard said Gary can't admit he doesn't do what he's asked to do. Bonnie said she only ever got 5. Gary thought he sent 20. Howard said Gary must be masturbating to the pictures. Gary said he sent over everything.
Howard told Gary to number all of the pictures and get it done. Gary said ''I can't do it... I'm too stupid.'' Howard told Gary to take all of the pictures, number them, then have Gina look at them and approve the pictures she likes. Howard told Gary exactly what to do so they can get this done. Howard said he needs him to do this right. Gary said he understands.
Howard said he needs Gary's help. Gary said he knows. He said he will get it done. Howard said Bonnie has a horrible on-air voice. She said she's sorry but then she told Howard that his book is great and she knows that everyone will love it. Howard thanked her for that and let her go a short time later.
Howard did his Gary voice and goofed on him a little more. Howard said he hasn't done anything. He said he didn't get one thing right in that conversation. Howard said Gary doesn't work hard enough. Gary said he has to be kidding about that. Howard said Gary is like AIDS to him... once he gets him he can't get rid of him. He said he was killing him this weekend too.
KC Armstrong Goes Off On Tom Again. 07/26/05. 8:20am
Howard took a call from KC Armstrong who used to work on the show. Howard wished him a happy birthday since he wasn't able to get in touch with him before now. They played KC's theme song for him and then talked about how they got a lot of mail about his last appearance. Robin said that after KC got off the air last time she felt like killing herself because he clearly wasn't cured. Howard said that KC was supposed to come on and just talk about his DVD but he ended up getting really mad at Tom. Howard thought about not having KC back on the air again because he's his own worst enemy. KC got back into it about Tom and said that he's one of these phony guys. Robin told Howard not to get into that because she knew that he was going to go off on him again. KC said he was calling in to talk about the comments Howard made about Tom not wanting the interns up on the web site. KC claims that Tom has told him to check out the intern's asses in the past and has told him to check them out in the hallway. Howard and KC spent a couple of minutes talking about Tom and KC thinks that he's one of the creepiest guys there. Tom came in and said that KC isn't all that honest himself. The two of them were going off on each other and Howard was trying to defend Tom.
KC asked Tom if it was true that he has said that stuff to him. Tom said ''maybe'' but he wasn't sure. Tom told KC to go sell his pedophile jokes and to go away. He said he doesn't have to answer to him so KC asked him why he was in the studio. Tom said he brought his name up and he came in to see what he was talking about. KC called Tom a ''scumbag'' and a ''piece of garbage'' but Tom took it pretty well and tried to defend himself. KC said that he's the General Manager and he shouldn't be making comments about the interns there. KC said that he's a gentleman and would never do anything like that. Tom said that KC dated an intern there but KC went off on him about that and said he wasn't dating an intern there. It turns out he may have dated a ''former intern.'' Tom wanted to let KC promote his DVD since that's probably why he called in. KC told Tom to go ahead and promote it for him. Tom wasn't going to do that.
Howard said that Tom has tried to defend KC in the past but he's not giving him a break. KC was bringing up some stories about himself that Tom wasn't even referencing. He was saying that he was accused of sleeping with an intern on the show and it turned out that wasn't true. Tom said that's not the story he was talking about and it was a girl that KC was dating a few years ago. Artie told KC that Tom seems like a really genuine guy to him and he's been helping him out with his problems. KC said Tom helped him out but he doesn't seem genuine to him. Howard had to cut KC off and tell him that Tom came to his rescue on more than one occasion. KC brought up the issues with the intern thing but Howard and Tom said that was about the 4th thing that came up that almost got him fired. Howard thinks that Tom loved KC and loved him like a son but KC doesn't believe that. Tom told KC about his real son who has moved out of his house and has a nice wife and a successful career. KC asked Tom if he wanted him to give him a reach around now that he's said that. Robin said that KC could be misinterpreting reality because he does have some issues. He could be making a mistake by thinking that Tom was against him. KC doesn't believe that Tom is genuine and Howard told him that he should stop thinking with that brain of his.
A listener called in and asked KC if he was coked up this morning because that's what it sounded like. KC said he doesn't do that stuff. Another caller asked Howard if he would have gone this far to save KC like Tom did. Howard said it was both he and Tom who went really far to keep KC there. They tried to get him to get his act together but it didn't happen. They gave him a few chances there. Tom said that there were some things that went on that even Howard didn't know about. KC was mad that Tom went to HR and told everyone about what was going on with him at one time. Tom thought he was doing a good deed at the time but KC didn't think it was good and kept calling him a scumbag. A phone caller said that he'd rather have KC back on the show and Tom gone even if KC is wrong. KC wondered where Tom will be in 5 months when Howard leaves. Howard told KC that Tom has enough money to leave the business whenever he wants so the job doesn't matter.
Howard took a couple of phone calls from guys who were goofing on KC. Dominic Barbara called in and said that it might be best if KC keeps all of this stuff bottled up inside. KC told Dominic that on his DVD he says that he's one of the guys that he really loves. There were a few guys who thought that Howard should hang up on KC already. KC said that he's really happy now and he doesn't care about any of that stuff. Howard played another song parody about KC that Richard Christy created years ago. KC said he's doing a gig with Richard this weekend at the Patchogue Theater and he wants Richard to sing those song parodies when they do it.
Howard said it seems that KC still has a lot of anger in him. KC said that's true but he went on to talk about how it seems like everyone had their mind made up about what had gone on with his firing. Howard let KC tell the reasons for his firing without interrupting. KC basically said that he was an alcoholic and went to rehab and wasn't able to stay clean so Tom fired him over the phone. KC then got in a plug for his DVD which is available at DieLaughingDVD.com. Howard wrapped up with him and let him go. KC told Howard how much he loves him and told Tom that he hates him. KC wanted Tom to talk about how he really feels about him. Tom said that he feels bad for KC and hopes that he gets it together. KC said that he's got it together and maybe Tom should go check out some more interns and comment on their asses. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said he feels bad for the guy and hopes that he's okay. Tom said he really does wish KC well even if he does have that much hate for him. He told Howard to take a break but he took a phone call first. The caller wasn't making any sense when he asked Howard about taking money from the band Sugar Ray for producing his song ''Psychedelic Bee.'' Howard told the guy that he wrote that song and he has no choice on getting paid for it. He wrote that song himself when he was a kid and the band put it on their album so he's getting a few cents for each album sold. Howard tried to get in a plug for KC's DVD but he didn't know where to get it. Artie said that you can get it at Artie-Lange.com but he was just joking around. Howard eventually got the plug and gave out his web site DieLaughingDVD.com.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:55am.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 11:20am.