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| Friday | |
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Howard started off the show talking about The Simpsons Movie which made $71 million at the box office this weekend. He said Jason and Richard went to see the movie and said that it was like a long episode of the TV show. Richard told Howard that the people in the audience everyone would cheer for the characters. He also said most of the people weren't kids. He said they got there an hour early and there was still a line out the door. He brought a flask with him so he could drink there. Richard said that he and Jason grew up with the show and seeing it was a big deal for them.
Artie said he's dying to see the movie. He said he watched that show every night for the first 5 years or so. Robin has never seen a complete episode, neither has Howard. Howard said he's never seen one at all. He's not even sure why, he does like cartoons. Artie talked about it a little more and Richard offered to go with Artie to see the movie but Artie told him that was alright.
Richard said he went to the Quik-E-Mart that they have there in Manhattan because he's such a big fan. Artie and the guys were goofing on Richard about all of that. Richard was wearing his Simpsons underwear so he showed the guys those. Howard said it's kind of odd that they make those things in adult sizes, you wouldn't think that they'd sell them to adult men.
Richard was talking about how many voices some of the actors do on The Simpsons. He said Harry Shearer does like 10 of the voices on The Simpsons and he was impressed by that.
Howard asked Artie if he's goofing on JD by hanging out with him out in Las Vegas. Artie said he's gotten to know JD through the show and he enjoys his company. He said that JD isn't the best wing man but he was fun to hang out with.
JD came in and Howard asked him if he had a good time out there in Vegas. JD said of course he did. John the Stutterer was out there as well. Artie said that JD and Teddy, his assistant, flew out there on Thursday. Artie said he had to work over at ''Rescue Me'' on Wednesday and Thursday so he was delayed a little bit getting out there. Howard wondered why he's working so late on that show. Artie said they let him in the last episode of the season so he had to take them up on that offer. He said he was the last shot of the entire season so he was there until Midnight on Thursday evening. He had to stay and celebrate with that final episode.
Artie said that he was jealous of Teddy and JD for being out there in Vegas before him. He said that they couldn't get John a flight out to Vegas until Saturday because he came in so late in the game. Howard said he wanted to know more about that too but Artie said there were a lot of things that happened.
Artie said he was flying out Friday afternoon but the captain on the plane says that there's a storm in the mid-west so they sat there for 5 hours. He said they brought up a big stairway to let anyone get off who wanted to get off and one woman left. Artie said that they sat there for five hours and then had to take a diverted route which mean the flight took an extra 2 hours or so. He didn't get to Vegas until 1 in the morning.
Howard said he get all freaked out about stuff like that because he needs at least 6 or 7 hours. Artie said he knows what he means. He said he got to Vegas and figured he could stay up a couple more hours. He had Teddy and JD come up to his room and they were on their way to Scores. Artie said he called up this chick that he saw the last weekend he was there and asked her to come visit. He said this is the chick (hooker) he's seen a couple other times out in Vegas. He said she might have some kind of emotional connection to him because they do talk on the phone and she didn't charge him the second weekend he was with her out there.
Artie said he was thinking that this hooker really liked him so he gave her a call when he got there. Artie said that this chick is very, very hot and looks like Nicole Eggert or Jenny McCarthy. He said she charges a couple grand. He gave her $3,000 for the weekend the first time he saw her. Artie explained how he called the chick and she wasn't available so she told him that she has a friend that would fuck him. He thought they had something so that was kind of a surprise to him. He said that he asked for the chick to send over her friend the next day and then went to sleep.
Artie said he got a call from the other hooker the next day and she had those Bo Derek type of braids in her hair which he thought was kind of cool. Howard thought that was kind of odd to like that because it's so retro. Artie said he didn't get into the whole fashion thing. He said she was a brunette and good looking. He said she had a nice ass and the big tits. He said he didn't want to go asking around to find a whore so he took what this other chick told him about.
Artie said this chick wanted a grand to be with him. He had to pay her up front and then they started going at it. He said that she gave him a lap dance and took her top off. He said it didn't take long after that to get into it. Howard wondered if he ever thought about himself being gross. He said he doesn't use that word, ever, when he's with a chick. He said he knows other comedians who get whores and they have a whole script they use with them.
Artie said that this chick was hot and all but he just wasn't into her like he's been with others. He said it was a little bit weird. He won't call her again when he's out there. He said Teddy thought he was dead because he wasn't showing up down at the pool with his buddies. He said that he just fell asleep after he banged the chick and she stayed there. He said it was kind of nice to have a nice, soft chick to lay there with.
Artie said Teddy called and woke him up around 7 and said he was glad he wasn't dead because he thought this might be the trip where he killed himself. Artie said he had to host a bunch of people at Nobu so that's why he had Teddy wake him up. He had to get rid of the whore after that so she started making all kinds of secret calls. She had some coke and wanted him to do it but he passed. He said she went to the bathroom to do it even though they were the only two who were there. He said she didn't have to though.
Artie said that the whore asked him where he was going to dinner and tried to get in on that. He said he ended up arguing with the whore and just asked her to leave. She said that her friend told her that he was famous and she was going to call the National Enquirer if he didn't take her out. He told her that he wasn't George Clooney or anything and she said ''I know'' and rolled her eyes.
Artie said he told the chick that if she did call the Enquirer, they'd probably just hang up on her. Howard said that she was a fuck for doing something like that to him. Artie said that she could have seen that he was working there at the hotel if she had paid any attention to the signs there. He gave her another couple hundred bucks and told her to get the fuck out of there. She took the money, about $300, and slammed the door as she was leaving. Then JD's side of the story came in.
Artie said the chick focused on JD and he didn't want to be disrespectful so he just took her number. She wouldn't stop and everyone there was looking at him. She and JD eventually just walked away and were gone about 18 minutes. Artie said a friend of his set that all up for him without even knowing about it.
Artie said that the chick didn't say a word to anyone else in the room and went right to JD and did her job. Artie asked JD what happened in the 18 minutes he was gone. JD said the whole thing was weird and he didn't want to be a douche that left dinner or anything. Artie told him that they hadn't even eaten yet, they had just had drinks.
JD said this chick was really hot but she had the picture of a dollar sign tattooed on her. He took this chick out to the casino and he figured that the guys on the elevator he was getting on knew that he was with a hooker. Artie said that it was kind of obvious when JD shows up with a chick like that. They went up to his hotel room and the chick started taking her clothes off. Howard asked JD if he talked to her. He said he did and he just wanted her to come out and hang out with the guys. He said he doesn't like fake situations like that.
Howard asked JD what he talked to her about. He said he found out where she was from and things like that. JD said he asked the chick where she was from and things like that. She does work around the strip out there in Vegas and she claimed to know who he was. She started taking her clothes off as soon as they got to his room. He said she was ''perfect enough'' for him. She was talking dirty to him as she took her clothes off. He said he took his clothes off and she told him that he had a nice dick and she didn't even have to say that. She had rubbers with her and blew him with a condom on. He said that felt ''good enough.''
JD said he really wanted to fuck this chick so she got on top. He said he had to stop her for a second because he was about to come. He said he had to go so he just came a short time later and that was that. Howard asked him if he apologized for not making her come. He didn't. He said the chick helped clean him up, got dressed and then went their separate ways. Artie said that chick was a real pro, she did her job and got out of there.
JD said he was confused about the whole situation and didn't know what was going on so he wasn't sure if she could have stayed longer. Artie said that JD showed up and everyone was laughing at him. Artie said that story was even better than he thought it was going to be.
JD said he ran into another girl out there in Vegas and got to bang her. He said that chick was someone he had e-mailed. He said she's involved with someone else and he can't talk about that. She's not married but she is with someone else. He said that it was a one time thing though. That happened before Artie got out there. JD said that he got some action off that chick too.
JD said he went down to the bar and hung out with this chick that he'd met through e-mail. They headed back up to his hotel room. He knew that it was a sure thing with her so that was no big deal going back up there. Artie said that he had a two girl weekend, that was pretty sweet. JD said he and the chick had some drinks and then headed up to his room. This all took place on Friday night. He said that she was very hot too and more natural than the whore he was with.
JD said he and the chick started making out and took each other's clothes off. She's a big fan of the show but she doesn't want to get on it or anything. He said she doesn't even want him talking about who she is so she's not looking for any air time. He said she blew him without a condom on. He said they did a couple of positions but only did it once. He said she got on top at one point and he did her doggy style too. He said that both of the women rocked his world. JD said that he knows the deal with the whore and with the chick from the West Coast. She's got a life out there so he knows she's not going to be coming out there.
Artie said they showed up to this club called Body English and gave JD and John some chips from the casino. He said John showed up to the comedy show and he brought him up on stage. The whole audience was torturing him when he came up. The show was great out there and he had a great crowd.
Artie said that he had a nice thing happen to him. He said this chick was in for Win Fred's Money one time and offered her money. That chick is now single and she was going to be out in Vegas. She showed up with the ex-boyfriend at his show and she looked unbelievable. He said that she was in this tight skirt and came back stage with the dude. She showed up at the strip club and she asked him out. Artie said that she wanted to go out with him but he was wondering about the boyfriend. She said that they were broken up. He said he got her number but nothing happened. She might fly out to New York though.
Howard didn't remember the chick but Artie said the Howard TV guys might know who she was and show some video. He said the chicks at the strip club were all hot and he's not sure how people can live out there. He said it's like heaven on earth.
Artie said that he and the guys stayed up all night drinking and having fun. Artie said he never did run into his hooker again. He said they all flew home after they were done. Artie said he was ready to go buy a condo out there. He said he'd like to be able to lease his own jet to fly out there too.
Howard wrapped up the story by saying that Artie had gotten laid, JD got laid twice and John the Stutterer got a Coke. He then mentioned that John the Stutterer has his own show on Howard 101 tonight. He said a lot of people say they won't listen to more than a few seconds of that but they don't care. They're giving him the chance anyway.
Artie asked Howard they were talking about this out there and asked him if he would rather be John the Stutterer or Jeff the drunk. Howard said he'd rather be John. Robin said she'd rather be Jeff because he did the damage to himself. Then Artie threw in Nicole Bass' name. They talked about that for a short time and talked about what a mess Nicole is because she's a manly looking woman.
Howard told Artie he's like Santa Claus because he got JD laid out there. JD said he really appreciates what Artie did for him. He couldn't thank him enough for all of that. Artie said that he told Teddy that since JD was his guest, that meant that JD was his boss. Artie said he was making Teddy work out there and had him carrying all of his bags through the airport and stuff.
Howard couldn't figure out what JD was talking about. He couldn't get into it because there are people in the family who she doesn't want to know about this. JD said that it has nothing to do with his dad like Robin seemed to think it was about. JD didn't want to talk about it though.
Howard asked JD what was going on with Dan the Song Parody Man out there. He said that he was just funny doing stuff for Artie and he was staying in someone's beach house for free. Howard didn't get what was so funny. Artie said that Dan is working for Jeff Beecher at Beecher's Mad House. Dan is doing the music for all of his live shows out there. Dan moved into his beach house out there when he moved out there.
Artie said that Dan went to dinner with them and started shoveling it right in. He said that Dan did do some work for him though. That led to Artie talking about how great the meal was there. As he was talking about that Howard said the Howard TV guys showed the picture of the chick whose number he got out there in Vegas. Artie said that she had a kick ass body.
Howard and the guys started goofing on JD about his meeting up with his mom. They talked about how she's flying in from Hawaii but she won't fly up to New York to see her son. He has to fly out somewhere to meet her but she doesn't want him talking about it on the air. JD said that this is all Robin's fault too because she was the one who brought it up on the air in the first place.
Howard said he doesn't like this because he hasn't seen his mother in 7 years. JD didn't seem to be all that upset about it though. Robin said it almost seems like his mom is the one who doesn't want to see him with the rest of the family. JD said that's not the case. Howard said he's lucky because he has to take a break but he could talk to him about this stuff all day long. He and Fred were making fun of the situation and talking about how she was probably coming in on one of those canoes that they have in Hawaii.
Howard was wondering if his mother was going to be making a second flight to the mainland just for him. JD said he really didn't know what was going on there. He didn't want to give the details of exactly what was going to happen since she didn't want him talking about it. He said he does know the ''secret location'' where he'll be meeting with her. He wasn't sure if his brother was going to know or not.
JD said that his mother was going to tell him about this trip when she saw him at the reunion but he's not going so she let him know. He realized that he'd said too much at that point and refused to give them anymore information. Robin and Howard tried to get it out of him but JD said he shouldn't have even said that. He asked Howard to ''shut the fuck up'' at that point. That just got he and Robin into it even more. Howard was making up stories like how she was going to send JD some pineapples with secret messages inside of them. They were going to tell him where he was supposed to show up.
Howard said that JD can't talk about where he's meeting his mom but he does know where it is. Howard wondered what the fuck was going on there. Fred was playing a bunch of Hawaiian-type songs while they were doing all of this. They continued to goof on him even though Howard said he had to take a break. Howard ended up goofing on his goofy laugh as well. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man had taken his laugh and put it to music. He put it to Pearl Jam's ''Jeremy'' when they make the hooting sound. Dan also put John the Stutterer into the song with JD.
Howard replayed the song and told JD that he's got his own noise that he makes, that's kind of cool. No one else can hoot like JD does when he laughs. He said the song was cool as it was wrapping up. He took a call from a guy who said that JD is killing him and he has to get him off the air. JD said he was trying to get out of the studio but they wouldn't let him go. Howard said the guy might be right. He said that he's the new ''cool JD'' after getting laid twice this weekend. He said that he's too cool to talk about his mom too.
Howard said that JD's mom is probably one of those chicks in Hawaii who has the flower in her hair and all of that. He said that's like those converted Jews who are more Jewy than regular Jews. She moves to Hawaii and becomes more Hawaiian then people who have lived there all their lives. JD said he has seen pictures of her with the flower in her hair. He told JD to get out of there and then went to break.
Howard played the audio clip where Pat was going off on Joan and even on Howard for liking her. Pat said that he wouldn't even give her the pleasure of calling her a cunt. Pat went on and on talking about Joan and how ugly she is because her heart is ugly.
In another clip Pat was talking about Mel Karmazin but wasn't able to say his name. Pat was also talking about Howard and who he actually loves. Pat said that Howard should go to ''Karsmayzin'' and give him a blow job because he should love him that much.
Pat Cooper went off on Gary too and said something about him being on Hollywood Squares. Pat was also going off on Howard for letting ''Jack Martlin'' go from the show and losing some of his charisma. Pat said that Howard should pick up the check and get back into his neighborhood where they love him. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. He seemed to think that he was talking about himself in those clips. Pat said that he thinks that Howard has already done his greatest shows and they won't get better.
Lisa also said that Artie hasn't had a physical in 2 years. Howard said that he was inspired to go get one himself after all of this stuff with Artie. Artie said the last one he got was for ''Beer League.'' Lisa said that he should bring Artie with him. Howard said he could barely get one himself.
Lisa said the reporter also told her that he spoke to the hooker that JD was with and she thought he was a virgin from the way he acted. Lisa also mentioned that they have a story about Beetlejuice doing a comedy show and sticking his hands up a woman's skirt while having his picture taken with her. Howard said that guy is retarded so he doesn't know what he's doing.
Howard said that Eric the Midget has been calling Jimmy Kimmel lately and Jimmy sent over some audio that Jimmy recorded. He said that Eric has no agenda at all. Jimmy actually called Eric himself. Howard played the clip where Jimmy makes the call and gets some country music to listen to. Then Jimmy gets Eric and asks him why he's not calling Howard's show anymore. Eric tells Jimmy why he's upset with Howard after he made some comments about the Chris Benoit family.
Jimmy also said that he'd still like to get Eric to fly with balloons. Eric isn't into that either. Jimmy wrapped up the call and said goodbye to him. Eric had nothing to add during that call. Gary told Howard that the conversation was actually 12 minutes long but they had to cut it down to 3 minutes because it was so boring. Jimmy told Eric he thinks that he'll be calling the Stern Show again in no time.
Eric told Jimmy that he was going to be down in his area soon for a family wedding. Jimmy ended up asking if his whole family was tiny and if he was going to be the ring bearer. Eric said they're not and he's just going to be a cousin at the wedding. Howard thinks that Eric was trying to get in on the show by telling Jimmy he was going to be in the area.
Howard said Eric must be freaking because they used to hook him up with some cool shit. Now that he's not on the show, he's not getting anything and he's trying to hook up with Jimmy and Jimmy isn't biting. He had to take another quick break after that.
On the Wrap Up Show that day, Bubba and Jon Hein were talking about what Ralph said and how wrong that was. Then Ralph called in and talked to Bubba about what he was thinking when he said that. They talked about that situation and eventually ended their friendship.
Howard and the guys talked about how offended Heather seemed to be over the sneaker thing. Artie understood why she got so upset because she probably thought a lot about what to wear that morning (But Bubba was also suggesting that she wear some heels when they were on Howard's show). Howard continued to play the audio where Ralph defended his gift and then Bubba said he was done with him and Ralph agreed, he was done with Bubba as well.
Bubba told Ralph that he'd ''see you later at Things to Remember at the mall.'' Howard said Bubba was around there in the City over the weekend so he talked to him about that. He said Ralph didn't come because Bubba was there. He said he may have been afraid that it was going to turn into something bigger.
Howard said Bubba and Heather showed up while Beth was in the shower and Heather joked that she could go in and get something going with her. Howard said he may have been able to get something going but he thinks that Heather may have been kidding.
Howard said Gary was in a bathing suit out there at the house but he's gained quite a bit of weight. He said that it seems like he's given up on exercising. Howard asked him how much he weighs now. Gary said that this is his worst nightmare because he didn't want to go out there looking like that. Gary said that he's like 218 pounds or so. Howard said he constantly picks at his t-shirt because he's so fat. Gary said he knows, he told him many times. Gary said that he's thinking about running with the kids that he's coaching this season for his son's football league.
Howard said he's into the no-socks thing this summer and his feet really stink. He said that he's become ''Sour Shoes'' with out the socks. Howard had another clip from the Wrap Up Show where they talked to Richard about his lack of showering. Richard said he'd rather spend time doing other things rather than showering. He has work he could do instead of showering. Fred said he could find 20 minutes in his day to shower.
Richard came in and told the guys that he likes to use this pumpkin body wash and he takes really long showers. He said that they just take too long so he can't just hop in and take a quick one. Howard interrupted and said that he had some audio of Richard's dad talking about this ''noodling'' thing that they do out there. They go into a river and grab for catfish and sometimes they find other things that surprise them. His dad said that they even have beavers that they could grab and have bite them. Howard said you risk your finger or worse, and the prize you get is a fish.
Howard said that Charlie Murphy was going to be coming in this morning. He said that Eddie has gotten crazy lately. He said another guy who has gotten crazy is this guy Jimmy Pop from the Bloodhound Gang. He was over in Germany and had the whole audience yelling out ''Artie Weighs 300'' even though they don't even speak English. Artie said that was scary.
Howard had a quick clip from a baseball game where the announcer said ''that's a hot shit up the middle'' instead of ''hot shot.''
Howard said that they had some other clips from NASCAR races where a couple of guys curse. Howard said it seems to be okay when they curse on TV but when they do it on radio, they get you fired. He played a clip where Tony says ''bullshit'' and then a clip where Kyle Petty says ''What the fuck was that?''
Howard said FOX has to have a delay for that show and they should be able to hit the delay on something like that. Robin said the race is supposed to be live. Scott the Engineer came in and said the race with Tony Stewart was actually on ESPN and that comment was broadcasted to the whole crowd there at the race.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ralph's comment about Heather was out of line and he thinks that Howard has too many asshole friends around him. Howard said that he only befriends assholes.
Howard asked Artie if he dislikes those calls because there's no wit there. Artie said it depends on the person on the other end. Howard said he almost didn't play that one but he knows how upset Sal and Richard get when he doesn't.
Howard read some more e-mail and one guy said that they should have told Artie that prostitution isn't legal in Vegas. Artie knew that. Howard read another e-mail from a guy who asked why there were no pictures of him doing pull ups from the other day. Howard said they didn't have any good pictures of him doing it, that's why.
Howard said that some people have been saying that Lisa G and John the Stutterer look like long lost twins. Artie thought that was kind of funny. Someone asked about Howard Stern Fist logo stickers and Howard said he had a prototype of one but he's not into that kind of marketing of his show.
Howard said the fans have been sending some feedback about Artie's ''Rescue Me'' appearance. The fans talked about how big Artie's tits were. Some fans thought he was great while others thought he looked far too fat and should lose weight before we lose him.
Howard read some feedback about the World's Strongest Woman contest that aired last week. One guy suggested they tell Riley Martin that John the Stutterer is getting paid more than Riley is just to drive him crazy. Howard said other people don't want to listen to John's radio show that airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. Howard said there are some fans who do want to hear John's show.
Howard read one e-mail that said that Out Q is less gay than Howard 100. The writer said that they might have to move the show to Out Q. Howard said that would be funny to move their whole show to that channel.
The interns came in and claimed that they don't see the guys looking at them out there in the offices. Gary said that they have to see what's going on because there is a lot of activity going on when they're there. one of the girls said that she's going because she lives right near where Ronnie does. Howard said that they're like ''Ronnie's Angels'' so Fred played the Charlie's Angels theme song. Howard goofed on Ronnie a little bit about that. Howard played some of Sal's ''Grouchy Old Jew'' song and thought that was a pretty good one.
Howard said that he should come up with something better for the girls to do that day. The guys said that he should have a party at his house instead. Howard said a lot of the feedback they got was people saying that Ronnie should be allowed to invite whoever he wants. Howard said that he was just telling Ronnie that it looked weird to invite just the female interns and one male intern.
Howard played some of the audio of Ronnie singing karaoke at his last block party. He said that Ronnie has gotten this whole new personality since he became security for him. Artie said that he has Ronnie's press photo and it's Ronnie looking off into the distance in a serious way. Howard said Ronnie is all full of himself and now he hates to drive the limo. Artie said he had to get that shot for the big appearance they were making at an auto show.
Jason said he took that shot of Ronnie when he was just covering the photo shoot he was doing so Ronnie went with that instead of the professional photos. Fred was playing some great music for Ronnie that Gary thought was the Olympics theme. Fred said it's actually ''Common Man'' by Eric Copeland according to Fred.
Gary said that one of the interns had her dad get after her for chatting online with older guys. She said that she did get into some trouble for chatting with guys who were in their 20s when she was only 14. She said her father had some spy software on her computer and caught her that way.
Howard thanked the girls for coming in and got back to the ''Ronnie's Angels'' thing again and pretended to be Ronnie as Charlie from Charlie's Angels. He did his impression of him and made up some stories about what the girls would have to be on the lookout for at the party. Howard spent a few minutes doing that and jokingly telling the girls that they might have to show up without bras on so their nipples would show when they jump up and down out in the summer heat.
Howard played some audio of Ronnie doing an appearance out at Scores in Las Vegas. Ronnie was doing his thing, which was nothing, and the guys were goofing on him about his bad comedy. Artie said he couldn't call him a hack like he did with the Killers of Comedy because his stuff was original. At one point Ronnie talks about this robe he was wearing and how they were going to put it on one of the girls and then auction it off for a cancer charity.
Howard thanked Ronnie's Angels again and said that there's nothing that can kill a boner faster than cancer. The guys then brought Howard a picture of Ronnie in his robe and that bummed him out. He said he doesn't need Ronnie doing appearances like that.
Ronnie is that's not the first time Howard has peed in his car. Howard said that's the first time he wet his pants. Ronnie said that Howard poured it out the window about a month ago and it was all over the whole side of the car. He said he's not that stupid, he knew it was pee. Ronnie said he wondered what that was and figured out that it was pee. Howard said he couldn't help it, he really had to pee.
Ronnie told Howard he really doesn't care about the Ronnie's Angeles thing that he was doing earlier. Howard asked him why he brought up cancer during that Scores appearance. Ronnie said that it was their idea, not his idea. He and Howard talked about what they could put in the car for Howard to pee in so he doesn't make that mess again. They suggested Snapple bottles or one of those piss jugs that Riley Martin sells. Ronnie said he'd take care of it. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard talked about what Dana had to go through with Christopher Reeve and then she loses him and gets lung cancer.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she had a very odd question. She said she heard that all black people had odd numbers as the two middle numbers of their social security numbers. Robin said hers was even though. So was Howard's.
Howard talked to Charlie about the bling he wears and found out that he doesn't go out to clubs or anything so no one will rob him of his stuff. Howard asked Charlie about these NBA guys who were robbed and Charlie was telling him that they were probably the kind of guys who were out flashing that stuff around. He said he doesn't put himself in that position so it won't happen to him.
Charlie said that he's come close to getting robbed. He said he was at a show with his brother, Eddie, and some guys showed up dressed as cops. They wanted to talk to Eddie alone for a second but they didn't let them. He said that they went down to get the rest of their guys and the real cops were there and caught them. They got arrested for that and they had been arrested for armed robbery before.
Charlie said that they actually had some guys come running after them one night when they were out at a bar one night too. They were running down the street with guns drawn because they just wanted to rob him to see what he had in his pocket.
Howard asked Charlie about his brother and if he's getting married again. Charlie said that he doesn't know what's going on there. He said he can't say if what he's doing. Howard also asked Charlie about his life and asked him how he changed because he used to rob people when he was growing up. Charlie said that he realized what he saw going on around him and had to get out. He went into the military and he's glad he did. He said he hated it while he was in but he became a man in there.
Charlie said that he saw some battle when he was in there. He was on a ship at the time when they were doing some stuff in Lebanon. He said that he saw the mushroom cloud when they blew up the barracks there. He said that was the day he said he didn't want to be in the military anymore. He said he didn't want to fight anyone when he was in there, he just wanted to get an education. He said he thinks that's why a lot of guys are in there now but they have to go over and fight.
Charlie said that these days you have to worry about the top guys lying to you and that leads to people getting killed. He said he protests the war in his own way by bringing that stuff up in his comedy act. Howard asked Charlie about his BET show ''We Gotta Do Better'' and how he got into some trouble over it. Charlie said he's just making fun of people in general but they took it as if he was just making fun of black people.
Howard read that Charlie showed up to an audition one time with a real gun in his pocket. Charlie said that was his cousin's 9mm that he had with him. He said he wouldn't suggest that to anyone else though.
Howard said that Charlie must be loving his career now because it used to be all about him being Eddie's brother but now he's not getting that so much. He actually wrote Norbit along with his brother so he gets a piece of that action. Howard talked to Charlie about Dave Chappelle too. Charlie said that Dave is doing a lot of shows that last for like 8 hours now. He said he went to one of his shows once and he actually ate while he was on stage. Then one time he said he'd be right back and disappeared for 15 or 20 minutes and the audience just sat there waiting for him.
Howard asked Charlie if he ever asks Dave to get back to doing his TV show. Charlie said he doesn't pressure him to do anything like that. He said that Dave is kind of stand-offish with everyone and he knows that he has to back off and leave the guy alone.
Charlie talked about this Norbit movie that he and Eddie wrote. He said that his brother called him and suggested the movie idea to him. He said that Eddie told him he was going to write it so he put tape over his windows and just sat down and wrote it. He said that was a great experience. They had some guys come in and fix up the script a little bit but he got paid to write it. He said he can make some good money doing that too. The movie was done for less money than Dream Girls and it made more than that movie. He said the critics will say it was a bad movie but he looks at the business end of it and it made some good money.
Charlie said that he's been approached to write more movies but he doesn't want to do that right now. He said that he's been doing stand-up comedy and loving that. Howard gave him another plug for his TV show and Charlie said that's another great gig he has. He said the show is a no-brainer and it's fun to do.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how it feels to be funnier and more talented than his brother. Charlie doesn't believe that's the case. Another caller asked Charlie if he saw any signs of Dave Chappelle cracking early on. Charlie said that he was always off doing his own thing so no one saw that coming. He said that it was kind of strange back then because they had this huge billboard for his show back then. He said he told Dave about the billboard and Dave told him he didn't want to see that. The next day Dave left. Artie told him that he had caused it then. If he hadn't told him about the billboard, he wouldn't have left.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Norbit was awesome even though he had no desire to go see it. He said he was laughing his ass off within the first 10 minutes.
Howard gave Dave a plug for his web site CharlieMurphyComedy.com. Dave was also talking about how he just played Caroline's recently and Rosie O'Donnell showed up to open for him one night. He said that worked out really well. Howard took a call from Irish John who asked Charlie what he does when people start throwing around the gay rumors about his brother. Charlie said that he doesn't get that. John also asked him about the tranny that Eddie was rumored to have picked up. Charlie said that he believes what his brother said happened, happened. He said that if the guy was into that, he'd never get over it and he'd still be doing it.
Charlie said he had a guy come up to him and ask him about his brother being gay at a comedy show. He said that he offered to let the guy come up on stage to talk about it with him. He said that no one has ever come up on stage when he's made that offer.
Ralph called in and said Eddie was like a rock star when he was doing his comedy. Charlie said that it's cool that he can go over to Stockholm, Sweden and do shows but his brother was playing stadiums. He said that his brother is impressed when he tells him he's doing shows over in Sweden. Howard said that he's proven to his brother that he can stand on his own two feet. Charlie said his brother already knew that and he just needed a way to break through and that's what the Chappelle Show did for him. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Steve Langford came in and said that it's game over for High Pitch Eric. He's going to have to move out of his apartment because his bankruptcy issues didn't save him from being evicted. He's going to have to move out and find a home for himself and for his pets.
Steve also mentioned that Jackie the Joke Man is going to be the star of the movie ''The Piker'' and Miss Black Howard Stern is going to be playing the part of a homeless woman in it as well. Steve said that the head of Comedy Central has said that they've been trying to get Howard to do a roast for them but he keeps saying that he'll do one on his own show. Howard said that's right, he doesn't have to do it for them.
Steve said that John the Stutterer has his show ''Straight Talk with John the Stutterer'' coming up tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. Howard played the new song parody that Dan the Song Parody Man put together to the tune of ''Jeremy.''
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll discuss Artie's trip to Vegas and all that went on out there. That led to Howard talking to Artie about his ''Ho Derek'' whore who had the braided hair. Artie said she pulled that off pretty well. He said he really wasn't into her that much. Howard wondered why that was. Artie said that she wasn't really his type, he was also looking forward to seeing the other chick who referred this chick to him. He said he should have had his buddy set him up with that chick JD was with. He said that he might have done her the next day if he had the chance.
Jon said they'll also be talking about JD going out to Vegas and getting laid. They'll also try to figure out whose life has been changed the most by the show. Howard said that's a good question because everyone has changed. He said that he and Gary were talking about Fred and how much he's changed over the years. Howard said that Fred rarely travels or invites anyone over. Howard said that it's probably better that way. Howard said that Ronnie is another one who was changed by the show. He said he's lost weight, became Scores Man and things like that. Fred said that Howard may have just released the ''inner Ronnie.'' Howard called it the ''inner asshole'' but Fred wasn't going to go down that road with him.
Howard said he's going to stick with Fred as being the one who has changed the most. Robin mentioned JD and Howard still stuck with Fred. He said that he never got laid in the past either. Fred said that he would put Jackie in that discussion because his life really got changed when he was on the show. Robin said that JD was on his way to dying a virgin.
Gary said they were talking about whose life has changed the least and Scott the Engineer's name came up. Everyone agreed with that. Jon Hein got back to his Wrap Up Show preview and said they'd be talking about Charlie Murphy's visit as well. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
Robin said that she's lost about 30 pounds now and she's still losing. Roni thought it was only 24 but Robin corrected her and said it's 30. Howard asked Roni if Robin has been able to maintain her weight without her. She has been able to do that. Dr. Roni also got in a plug for her book ''21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox.''
Howard thanked Dr. Roni for coming in and said that Robin seems to be doing very well on the maintenance program. Dr. Roni talked about the things Robin is eating and drinking now. Ralph called in a short time later and said that it seems a little irresponsible for her to have gone on Larry King after just being on this diet for a few weeks. He said that maybe she should have waited to see how the diet worked out long term. Robin said that the diet is about watching what you eat and the detox was a natural thing based on fruits and vegetables so there shouldn't be anything wrong with that.
Robin said that the things she's talking about are natural remedies and not poison pills like some doctors are prescribing to people. She said that what she's recommending to people won't kill them unless they abuse it.
Howard said as long as he had Ralph on the phone he wanted to talk to him about what he said to Bubba's wife. He said he thinks that Ralph started the whole thing when he told her to change her shoes. Ralph said he was just agreeing with Bubba because Bubba had started it. Howard said he didn't need to go there. Ralph said he may have overreacted that morning. He realizes that now.
Howard asked Ralph if he didn't hang with him because of the fight. Ralph said that is why and he's kind of soured over Bubba right now. He said Bubba has been kind of rude to him about a few things and disrespected him so he's glad he's done with that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he thinks that Bubba is going to kick his ass when he sees him. Ralph didn't seem worried about that. Ralph said he thinks he's done with Bubba at this point. He's cut people out of his life, like his father, and he has no problem cutting Bubba out. That led to Ralph talking about the comments that Bubba said about his mother that day that were kind of disturbing to him.
Howard said he tried to get Bubba and Ralph back tother this weekend but that didn't happen. Ralph said he wasn't even mad at Bubba, he was just upset about Heather but Bubba brought it there. Gary said that you can't say something like that to a guy about his wife and not expect him to get pissed.
Gary got a hold of Bubba so he put him on the line. He had to get Ralph back because Howard had just hung up on him thinking they weren't going to get him. Howard told Bubba about what went on with Ralph and how he seems to be ''over the Bubba thing.'' He said that maybe they should say goodbye to each other officially. The two of them said goodbye but Gary wanted to hear what other issues Ralph had with Bubba. Ralph said he thinks that it was just Bubba's attitude changing toward him.
Bubba said he's been nice to him every time he's seen him. Ralph said maybe he can read into things the wrong way but this last thing is what drove him over the edge. Ralph told Bubba that he was the one who started the whole shoe thing, he just called in to chime in. Bubba said that he can do that because it's his wife.
Ralph talked about how shitty it was for Heather to have sent him a nice thank-you note for the gift he gave but then she talks about how crappy the gift was on the air. He said that came off as her being a phony. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bubba can't bring his wife on the show and not expect her to get some shit. Bubba didn't like hearing that but Ralph was agreeing with him.
The guys kept going, arguing back and forth about what went on. Howard finally put an end to it and had Robin get to her news.
Howard also spent some time talking about Don Imus after reading in the paper that he may be close to a settlement with CBS. He read that Imus is looking to get back on the air but he can't imagine why the guy would want to keep working at that age. He said the guy is all old and tired.
Artie said he can see Howard blogging in his future instead of doing a radio show. Howard said he could see doing that. Howard said he could also just call random people on the phone and talk to them to vent. He made up some conversations he might have on the phone with these random calls he'd make. Robin mentioned that Steve Martin had gotten married over the weekend. Martin is 61 and his bride was 35. Howard said he just did the math on that over the weekend and figured that he's marrying someone too old. He said that his future wife might be jumping around in the bouncy castle at Ronnie's block party.
Ralph called in and said that he saw one of these Dateline shows where they catch child predators and one guy showed up with a tube of K-Y in his pocket. Howard said he had to get going after that so he could end the show but Ralph said that Howard has called in while he's on vacation before and he really does do the radio show on the phone when he's bored.
Robin wrapped up her news a short time later and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
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Howard started off the show talking about Leslie West who sent him a letter. He said Leslie was on the show recently and revealed that he had played lead guitar on a Who song. A caller wasn't able to find the notes about him playing on the song so Leslie sent that along to Howard so he could prove it. It was actually printed in the album notes. Howard said he's not familiar with the song ''Baby Don't You Do It'' but Robin said she was.
Howard said some people were saying that Artie sounded like he was back on coke with the nasal thing he had yesterday. Artie said he has a cold. Robin wondered if he had ''hooker cough'' or something. Artie said he always gets a cold in the summer because he has his air conditioning on the coldest it can be. He said his hotel room was so cold that both he and his hooker were coughing when they woke up.
Howard played The Who song ''Baby Don't You Do It'' to hear Leslie playing guitar. They listened to a couple minutes of the song and Fred said it was obviously him. He said it was like a fingerprint with the way Leslie plays. Howard said that pretty much proves to him that Leslie did play on the album ''Who's Next.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Leslie really rocks and mentioned another song that he heard him play on. Howard said he had the album the guy was talking about, ''Odds and Sods,'' and how he used to play that when he was a deejay.
Howard tuned into some of the music channels and tried to figure out what songs were playing. He was having some trouble getting the audio that he wanted though. Scott the Engineer came in and got him what he wanted. Howard changed around some of the channels and found a Rod Stewart song. He guessed what it was immediately. Robin didn't even get a chance to try answering.
Howard changed from some 60s music to some 80s music and then went back to some other 60s stuff. He and the guys knew what songs they were so they'd yell out the answer. Howard went to the 90s channel and tried to figure out what song was playing. Robin knew it was Chris Daughtrey but Howard had no idea what it was. Howard said it would be better if he could find the channels easier. He said he needs it set up like a regular radio instead of the way they have it in alphabetical order.
Howard went to the 70s channel but the Rod Stewart song was still playing. He said he has the actual computer for SIRIUS so he can click randomly. He went to some random songs in his computer and the rest of the guys would yell out the names of the songs he was playing. Robin, Fred and Artie would yell out the answer and no one had any idea who actually got it right.
Howard threw out a few songs that the guys didn't know. They were mostly from the 80s and bad songs. Artie got some of them. He said the game was stopping him from eating his bagel. Howard said he wanted his computer set up like his tuner. He played another song and had the guys try to guess what that was. Artie threw out the answer before Robin and Fred had a chance. He knew ''Earth Angel'' by the Penguins which surprised everyone. Artie said his father had a car that he named ''Earth Angel'' and he also used to listen to the oldies when he was working.
Howard played a ZZ Top song that Fred knew. He played some more ZZ Top songs and had Fred and Artie throwing out the names of the songs.
Artie said that he's had to blow off doctor's appointments a bunch of times because he blew off the fasting. Howard said he's so paranoid about everything and he's afraid that someone is going to come in with a dirty needle and kill him with HIV or something. Artie said he can see that because there are so many horrible stories like that out there and he has so many awful things that happen to his family.
Howard said his mother used to tell him that she wanted her family to be fearless but then she'd tell these stories about how her whole family would be wiped out by something. He said that she used to tell him about his grandmother's whole family being wiped out by the Nazi's and then stories about the family being sick and her own mother dying without anyone knowing why. He said that she used to tell him that the hospital killed her mother so that must be where his paranoia comes from.
Robin said that Howard was probably terrified when he was a kid and that has carried through to today. Howard said he used to suffer from OCD and he'd have to touch stuff to make sure he didn't die. That was his way of dealing with that kind of thing.
Howard said he doesn't remember having a childhood, but he remembers his mother's childhood because she always told him about it. He said it was the same thing with his father. They'd both tell him these stories that were awful and he had to live though that.
Howard told the guys that he was really paranoid about all of this stuff because of his parents. He said you'd think he grew up in the tenements after the way his parents treated him. He told more of these stories that his mother would tell him and he actually identifies with them. She'd tell him all of this and then tell him that she wanted him to be fearless. That can't happen. Howard said he lives in a world filled with fear now.
Robin said that yesterday Howard was talking about Dana and Christopher Reeve and all of the horrible things that happened to them. Howard said this beautiful woman came to take his blood this morning and he got all paranoid that she was there to kill him. He said he's so afraid of the outside world that he won't even leave this country. He said if he went to Germany, he'd be afraid that the Nazi's would come and get him. Artie said that there still aren't many Jews over there in Germany. He said there are only like 30,000 there from what he's heard.
Howard told some more stories that his mother told him when he was a kid. He was doing an impression of her as he told the stories. He said that all of these things made him think that people are out to get him. Now he deals with it by going to therapy. He jokingly said he goes home talking just like his mom now. He went on to tell more stories that she'd tell him which freaked him out. He said he must not have been strong enough to have taken all of this since he was just a kid.
Howard and Robin talked about the therapy he needs. Artie said that Howard kind of turned out fine after all of that, the people who didn't make out were the people that Howard crushed on his way up. He said people like John DeBella and people like that are the people who suffered. Howard said even when he goes somewhere now, he has a horrible time. He said he doesn't want to go anywhere. He's miserable all the time.
Howard said what sums it all up is his time in Detroit. He said when he was working at the station out there he'd just work and then go home to the room he had and sit in there and wait for the next radio show. He'd get fast food at the restaurant there in the building. He said he'd just sit there and wait, do his radio show and go back to his hotel room.
Howard said he went into a place one morning out there in Detroit and he was terrified that someone was going to kill him so he didn't go anymore. He didn't want the trouble. He doesn't even know how to get anywhere now because he never left his house. He said he thinks the world is the most evil, frightened place and anything you get will be taken from you.
Artie said that Howard made it to the point in his life where he doesn't need to know how to get anywhere, he has people who can get him there. Artie said he wanted to make it big enough so he'd never have to do his own laundry. He's made it there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is like a form of child abuse. His phone was cutting out so they weren't getting all of what he was saying. The guy said that it was childhood delusionary psychosis and it was a form of child abuse. Howard said that it's not that bad. Artie said that he dreads doing what his parents did to him by bitching about everything that bothered them.
Howard said he understands his mother's pains and he identifies with her far too much. He said that in his relationships with women now, he feels more love with them when they share their dark secrets. He said that if he's with a woman who is really fucked up, he's really turned on. He said that he loves stuff like that and he gets off on it.
Artie asked Howard if his parents tell these stories to his kids. Howard said they don't do that to them. He was the chosen one who they told all of those stories to. He doesn't think that they even told his sister those stories so much. He's not even sure that his sister has the same kind of relationship with their mother that he does.
Robin said that she realized that she was working with a bunch of cowards after 9/11 because they haven't done anything since then. Howard won't fly to Los Angeles anymore. If he has business meetings, the people have to fly out to New York to meet with him.
Howard said they actually found JD's hooker on the web and they're trying to get her to call in. Artie is afraid that she's going to reveal the name of the guy who got her for JD. He was afraid that was going to happen but figured it was okay. Howard said that guy actually gave them her information so it should be okay.
A caller told Howard that he saw Howard on the plane in the Bubba's Wedding video on Howard TV and he had the look on his face like he was going to the concentration camps. Robin said she's seen that look on his face. Howard said that at least he can get on a plane, there are some people who can't even do that.
Another caller asked Howard if he thinks that this is why he and Beth get along so well because she's always tending to wounded animals and stuff. Howard isn't sure if that's why but Artie said Howard could be considered a wounded animal.
Howard was joking around about how he'd love to see Italy some day but only if Italy will come to him. He said he's been trying to do that by buying some furniture from the country. Howard took another call from a guy who told him to get off of all of this depressing stuff. Howard said he'd get to some funny stuff then.
Howard said that the guys took Wendy the Retard's voice mail call that he played yesterday and did a Jack and Rod show with some clips from that call. They had an author on the phone who was pushing a book about monsters. They then had Wendy's audio clips as Robert England. The woman asked ''Robert'' what he thought about the character. Richard and Sal would play her clips and the woman seemed to have no idea what was going on. She eventually hangs up on them.
Howard and the guys were making fun of Sal and Richard for doing the same basic thing with their Jack and Rod show bits. They always interrupt the people they have on the Jack and Rod Show until they hang up. Howard played another one where the guys were interrupting the caller with a band rehearsing. Artie said that maybe they should have some comedy interrupt them. He said he was just kidding though.
Howard thought about playing all of those Jack and Rod show bits at the same time. He also said that maybe they should interrupt Sal and Richard every time they come into the studio. Howard played another Jack and Rod show where they interrupted with their station IDs. He didn't finish playing the previous one, he was just demonstrating that all of their Jack and Rod Show bits are very similar.
Artie said there was one where they interrupted with a train or something. Howard said that maybe it's time to stop with the interrupting bits. Artie figured he was in trouble over that because he kind of pointed it out. Sal tried to tell Howard where some more of his bits were but Fred and Howard were interrupting him so he couldn't get a line out.
Howard played another bit that Sal and Richard did where they were interrupting their phone call to a pizza place with train sounds. Howard said he was going to interrupt that bit to play another one where they call a woman and pretend that they're at a concert and interrupt the call.
Howard went to another clip where they interrupted with some weight lifting sound effects. Howard cut that one off and said that maybe they should put out a whole CD of interrupting bits. He asked Sal if there were any more interrupting bits. Sal tried to tell him but Howard kept cutting him off with music clips. Artie then said that they were at a ship yard and couldn't hear him. Then Robin said that they were at a rock concert. Howard said that they were at a concentration camp where people were being shot. Fred played the sound effects and interrupted Sal some more.
Howard played another one of Sal and Richard's bits where Richard interrupted his call to a pharmacist with some dry heaving sounds. Howard cut that off and went back to the train interrupting bit. Artie said that those Jack and Rod people are so desperate that they'll put up with anything. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard read through some of the press release and said he loves to hear that. He loves the company and loves that they're on something new and cutting edge. Howard said that XM only has 8.25 million subscribers and they're closing right in on them. When they started out a couple of years ago, XM had 4 million and SIRIUS only had 600,000 subscribers. They're gaining on them quickly.
Artie said that anyone under 40 should take a trip with someone who has SIRIUS and they'll be sold on it. Robin said she has some friends who loved it but they're waiting to get a new car with it. Howard said he plays it all the time when they have people over and he'll just put on some Coffee House music or something like that.
Artie said that he puts on Classic Vinyl or Classic Rewind when he's out on the road. He said he did that when he went out to Pittsburgh and didn't hear a bad song the whole trip.
Howard played the first clip where Gary interviewed a guy who was dressed up as the Purple Warrior. Howard had no idea who that was but he liked the interview. The guy could barely speak English and Howard had no idea what he was saying. The guy admitted that he's jerked off to cartoons before so Garver tried to get some details about that but the guy wouldn't tell him anymore.
Howard played the next clip where this guy was dressed up as someone from the Justice League but his mask was muffling what he was saying so it was hard to hear what he said. Howard said that he thinks he was saying ''Grod'' or something like that. He doesn't know that character. Garver ends up getting pissed off at these people. This guy shook his head so Garver yelled at him to talk into the mic. He didn't have a lot of answers for him so he gave up and sounded pissed as he walked away.
Howard read about this Grod character that he didn't know about. He said that it was a gorilla and there were a few details that Howard read about him. He played the next clip where Garver interviews a guy who is dressed up as ''TK4356'' or something like that. Garver asked him if he knows who Darth Nihilus is. The guy does know the character and he keeps talking to Garver from behind this mask he's wearing. Garver spent a minute with him and thanked him for the interview.
Howard said one of the interns there knows who all of these characters are so he had him come in. Dan the intern came in and said he goes to school down in Florida. Howard spent a few minutes talking to him about college and how he's been there for 7 years now. Howard asked him how that happened. Dan said he went to Rhode Island for a couple of years and he's changed his major a few times so it keeps extending that time. He said he's having fun there though. Dan said he's been having a lot of fun though and he doesn't mind it at all. He said the hardest course he'll have this year is ''Story telling.''
Howard talked about how Ingmar Bergman died and that he used to have to watch his movies back when he was in college. He said they were really shitty movies and he'd rather read science books than watch those movies. He said that was probably his toughest course but he'd just make stuff up when he'd go up and speak in front of class.
Dan said that his buddies call him Van Wilder there at school because he's been in there so long. He said he's just going where he's going and doesn't know exactly where that is. Howard said that this internship can't be any worse than being an intern at Letterman or places like that. Dan is actually Robin's intern and she actually knew his name.
Howard said that Dan must be a cool guy because he's the only male intern Ronnie invited to his block party. Dan said that was pretty cool. Fred said he thinks that Robin wants to bang this guy. Howard said that he's no kid, he's a grown man who just acts like a kid.
Howard asked Dan about these characters and how he knows them. Dan said he just knew that Grod character and thinks that the TK4356 is something from the Star Wars movies. He told Howard about the Grod character and where that came from but Howard still didn't know much about him. Artie said that this kid does have a lot of diversity because he had a conversation with him about the Yankees this morning.
Howard asked Dan about this Storytelling thing and said that the only place they have professional story tellers is down in Cuba. He said that they have them come into the cigar making plants to keep the cigar rollers entertained. Dan said that he wouldn't mind going down there to work. That led to Howard doing some voices as Cubans talking about rolling the cigars.
Artie told Dan that he could tell his pig cocaine story as his final exam if he wanted. Howard asked Dan more about this character and about his brother who went to Harvard. Dan said his brother is in his final year of medical school. Artie told him not to worry, he'll always have a room at his brother's house. They talked more about this Grod character and some of the stories behind him.
Howard replayed the Garver interviews with the muffled voice Grod guy. Howard said they have the video for Howard TV. He and Artie were goofing on the guy and his muffled voice a little bit. Howard was also talking to Dan about how much Robin seems to like him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he knows what TK4356 is. The caller said that in the first Star Wars movie there was a character that was mentioned as not being at his post and that's where that TK4356 came from. Howard wasn't sure why that guy would be at Comic-Con if he's a Star Wars character. Robin said that it's all Comic Book stuff. Howard figured that Star Wars was also a comic book so that's why he was there.
Robin said she liked the guy who said that he had masturbated to a cartoon. Ralph called in and said that he could tell that Robin was in love with Dan because she actually knows his name. He also told a story about how he dressed up as Freddy Kruger one time and got laid while he was in the costume. He said that he started messing around with this black chick and she wanted him to keep his make up on while they did it. Ralph said it was fuckin bizarre. Howard let him go and said he had to take a break.
Howard was about to go to break but he had a prank call that Sal and Richard made pretending that they had masks on. He played that call and got a bunch of laughs from that. He said he'd like to hear that Darth Nihilus interview and the Gamorrean guard interview too. Those were two classics that Garver did a few weeks back. Howard found those clips and played them. He also played some of the Darth Nihilus song parodies that the guys put together before going to break.
Artie talked about all of the food that he was eating this morning. He had a bunch of Hawaiian Punch, a buttered bagel that was perfect. He also said that he had some Linden's Chocolate Chip cookies.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Dan the Intern didn't know shit about comic books because some of the stuff he said about Grod was wrong. Another caller said that he wanted to challenge Artie to a game of stick ball. Artie told him to leave his number and they'd see what they could do.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She brought up the number of calories that are in the cupcakes that Artie eats. They found that the cupcakes from Crumbs Bakery have over 700 calories and 36 grams of fat. Artie washes that down with Hawaiian Punch. Howard said he figured that he's doing 5-6000 calories a day. He could be doing even more than that because he's got to be eating 3000 in the mornings alone.
Lisa told Artie that he has the diabetes hanging over his head and also the fat is clogging up his veins. Lisa also brought up Howard's blood test thing that happened this morning. She said that they're also going to be talking to the guy who followed Artie around in Vegas. They found out that the guy interviewed the hooker that was with JD and she changed her name because of it.
Howard said that they're dying to interview that chick. Howard had a picture of her that he was going to show to Artie to make sure they had the right chick. She was on the web so Howard showed Artie the picture. Artie confirmed that was her. They said that she came up with a new fake name for JD though. She was embarrassed about JD according to Lisa. That's why she came up with a different name.
Artie read that she was looking for ''upscale men.'' That's not JD. Howard read some stuff from her web site where she talks about who she's looking for. (Howard didn't give out her name but just quoting what he read found the information through google.com).
Howard asked JD what he thought about her changing her name. JD said he doesn't think that it had to do with her going out with him, it had to do with other things. Artie was apologizing to JD for hooking her up with a chick like that.
Ralph called in and said that what Lisa was doing was really low. He thought that she was bringing that up about JD being an embarrassment. She said that it was on the L.A. Times blog that this guy wrote, she was just reporting on that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had an experience with Howard TV that was amazing. He said he wasn't feeling so good the other night and went through the menu trying to find something to watch. He sees the Scott Baio interview or the Worlds Strongest Naked Woman interview. He was coming down with the flu so he figured he should watch the hot chicks. He went to the Scott Baio interview instead. About 10 minutes in he decided to jerk off and went to the Strongest Naked Women, jerked off and then went to bed. The next morning he got up and finished watching the Scott Baio interview. He said he jerked off to the chick with the big meat curtains.
Another caller said that Ralph is going to have a hillbilly curse on him now that he's said something negative about someone from West Virginia. That would be Bubba's wife. Howard said that Ralph is already cursed so it probably wouldn't work on him.
Howard took a call from Daniel from the Bleeding Deacons. He said they made a video for their ''Big and Black'' song and wondered if Robin had seen it. Robin hadn't seen it yet. Howard said that Gary was out today so Sal was out in the halls talking about how much smoother things were running without him there. He had Daniel's song parody a few seconds later. Daniel said they have a bunch of their songs in this one video.
Sal came in and said that thanks to ''this asshole'' the fans all sing the 143 song at all of the Hack Pack comedy shows. Howard played that song quickly and told Daniel that they're really good. He said that he should be a rock star with that look he has.
Daniel said that the video is on their web site and they got a guy to play the part of Robin. Daniel said they'll be playing those songs at a show this week.
Howard let Daniel go and Lisa got back to her news preview. She said that Bob Levy is looking to create an animated show based on his life living in the basement. Sal said that Bob has a ton of stuff that he's working on. Howard said that Bob actually sent over about 10 ideas for stuff and they're going to do them on the show. Sal said that they've actually taken Artie's ''Hack Pack'' name and they're running with it. It's working for them. Bob wanted to do a lie detector test with Artie and his real thoughts on the Hack Pack.
Sal said that Shuli wrote a few jokes about Artie that were really funny. Howard asked Sal if he really thinks that the show runs better without Gary. Sal said that Howard is in a better mood today than he usually is. Howard said he was actually able to go to the bathroom this morning without Gary interrupting him. Sal said everything is going right today. Fred kept playing sound effects to interrupt him.
The caller was also saying that he doesn't like Ralph on the show. Howard said that he's getting a lot of feedback about him and people really don't want him on the show. That led to him reading some mail about Ralph where people really got pissed at him for calling the show so much. Howard said some people have changed the station every time he calls in. Howard said that he might be the only one who likes Ralph on the show.
Howard read a bunch of other e-mails about Ralph and everyone hates him. He said he didn't have one positive e-mail about him. Artie said that he thinks that Ralph says stuff that other people are dying to say and he creates confrontation that other people might not bring up.
Howard said that he had to interrupt because Ronnie was asleep out in the hall. Ronnie came running in and said that he wasn't sleeping, he was sitting. Scott the Engineer came in and said that he was definitely asleep with his head back against the wall and his mouth open. Scott said they tried to get video but he woke up too quick. Scott's intern Aaron came in and said that he did have his head back and he may have had drool coming out of his mouth. Howard figured he was asleep then.
The caller brought up Artie's scene in ''Rescue Me'' where he was banging a nun. That led to Howard talking about how the Catholic League is after Artie now because of that scene. He was banging a nun who was in her Habit. He read through the article where they went off on the producers of the show for what they did. Artie said that it was kind of crazy for the actress and even for him but the story is about a nun who was pent up being in the church and now she's getting laid.
Howard had Scott DePace come in to talk about what he did to John the Stutterer last night. The caller said that Scott was very rude to John but Scott claimed that it was John who wouldn't let him talk. Another caller said they have to keep John on the channel because his show was really good.
Fred said that the feedback about John's show was pretty positive and most of the people agree that Scott DePace's part wasn't the best part of it. Scott said that the show was boring when he was listening to it.
Howard played some clips from John the Stutterer's show where he was trying to talk about things but was stuttering up a storm. It was hard to follow what he was even talking about because he was stuttering so much. In one clip John was talking about something and screwed up the word ''university'' when he stuttered it out. A phone caller asked John what he thinks about Sean Hannity and John sounded like he was going to explode trying to say a few things about the guy. John eventually got out his thoughts on Hannity and said that he's a creepy liar. John stopped stuttering a little bit when he was reading his notes about the guy. Howard and Fred said he sounds like any other political guy when he's not stuttering.
Howard said that John is good at this. His stuttering was limited when he was reading and he sounded very smart in these clips. Then John would try to take phone calls and start stuttering again. Howard said that John had G. Gordon Liddy on the show. They're going to air it on Howard TV tomorrow night for those of you who missed it on Howard 101 last night.
Howard played a clip of John interviewing G. Gordon Liddy. John was stuttering like mad when he got Liddy on the phone. He said he doesn't Liddy himself and he won't call him names even though he doesn't like him. Liddy asked him how he could help him out. John asked him what he wanted to discuss. Liddy brought up some stuff and they got into it after that. Artie said he likes Liddy as a guest, especially when he's been on Howard's show.
Howard had Ralph on the phone and wondered if he should be taking his call. Ralph said that he likes his own calls. Tim Sabean came in and said that he thinks that they should take the good with the bad and keep him on the show. He said Ralph is like their ''Newman'' (a Seinfeld reference). Tim also said that last night John the Stutterer showed up late to his own show. He had a bag of notes with him but he was very well prepared and thought out for his first show. Tim said he'd absolutely give John another show.
Ralph told Howard to listen to the clip where John tries to use the word omnipotent. Howard told JD to pull that clip. He let Ralph go and took a call from a guy who kept track of all of John's ''I, I, I'' clips. He said John had 65 of those. He was counting all of the I's in there though. He also had the ''Umm, Umm, Umm'' over/unders as well. Howard played the song parody that Dan the Song Parody Man created using John's clips in the middle of that.
Wheels called in and asked if they could take a poll and ask people if they'd be willing to pay to keep Ralph off the show. Ralph was back on again and said that he was reading some posts from SternFanNetwork where there were some people who liked him. He read through a bunch for Howard and said he thinks that Fred is skewing the email against him. Fred said he's not doing that at all and at least 95 percent of them are negative toward him. Fred said that he doesn't do that.
Howard said he had some people on the phone who wanted to get rid of him. He took a call from a guy who said that Ralph brings the show down every time he calls in. Another guy asked Howard if he thinks that he could take down Bubba if he went after Ralph at his house or something. Howard said he can get some retard strength once in a while but he's not sure. Another caller said that Ralph should be kept on the show because he does mix things up.
Another caller said that he'd be willing to pay another two bucks a month not to have Ralph on the air. Howard took a few more phone calls and one guy had some bullet points about the Ralph hate. He said that at least 90 percent of the fans hate him. He said he also brings nothing but negativity to the show. He also has no qualifications more than any other caller either. Howard said he does have a relationship with him so he does go to him when he feels he should. He finds him interesting.
Howard said that maybe they should run the show with all of the Ralph calls cut out on another channel. He went to a John the Stutterer clip where he was trying to say ''Omnipotence'' and kind of screwed it up. Howard then played some of the Scott DePace interview part of John's show. The two of them were going back and forth about religion and politics. Howard said he thought that part was kind of boring.
Scott said that Howard told him that he had done good when he talked to him this morning. He said he's got two personalities when it comes to that stuff. Howard told him he just didn't have any chemistry with John. He wondered if John should have another shot at a show. Robin said he should. Howard then read through some e-mail feedback about his show. There were a lot of negative e-mails but ''an avalanche'' of positive ones. He read through some of those as well.
Howard took a few phone calls before going to break. One guy claimed to have burned out his antenna because he listens to the radio too much. Howard figured he was full of crap. Another guy called in with some escort information since that's what JD's Las Vegas whore was. Howard was going to goof on that guy to do some interruptions but the guy hung up before he could. He went to break after that.
Howard said Ronnie was looking for the techno version of ''Sweet Caroline'' to play at his party. He wondered what was going on out there. Shuli came in with the song that Ronnie was looking for. He had Scott pull it for him for the news. Ronnie came in and said he just wanted the song for his party and he didn't ask Scott for it, he asked the kid who will be the DJ there to bring it. Howard played the song and goofed on Ronnie a little bit about how gay it was.
Howard said the song was horrible. Ronnie said it was a good party song and he has the whole album. He said he was at a Christening party one time and the DJ was playing the song so they were doing karaoke to the song. Ronnie said that will be his main song there at the party. Howard told him over and over that it was just a horrible song.
Howard asked Ronnie why he didn't write out directions to his party instead of having people asking him for them. Ronnie claimed that he had written them out. He told Howard that he was sorry he was going to miss the party. Howard jokingly said he was sorry too.
Howard played some clips from Paula's reality show where she breaks down crying over the dumbest little things. Howard said she cries over weird stuff and it's very insulting to him when someone like that gets a radio show. He said you know it's going to bomb because she can't communicate. He said it's unbelievable.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she was dying to hear him comment on this show. She said there was one scene where Paula was crying over her make up and stuff like that. She was going on and on so Howard had Fred play his interruption music to goof on the Sal and Richard bits they were doing earlier.
Howard told Jessica that she looked really good on Entertainment Tonight the other night. He said that she hasn't hit the wall yet in his opinion and he wasn't just saying that. He said that her face is looking good and even better than it was 5 years ago.
Howard let Jessica go and played some more clips from Paula Abdul's awful reality show. There was another clip where she broke down crying when she got some good news about the radio show proposal she had submitted. Her assistant was telling her it was perfect and the best they'd ever seen. Howard said that's some job that assistant has, inflating the ego of this has been. He said that she doesn't even know that this whole thing is a goof. He said that American Idol is a goof, her having her career back is a goof too. He said he has to ask John Stamos if she showed these sighs of instability when he was dating her.
JD said there was another clip where she got fired from The Bratz movie. Howard played that clip where she breaks down crying again talking about how hard she was working on it. Her assistants try to help but she yells at them and says that she was trying to tell a story. She quickly goes back to sobbing after that. There was another clip where she says that she's tired of people not treating her like the gift that she is. Howard said they need to lock her up before she has a breakdown and starts shooting people.
Howard and the guys were talking about some of the other awful shows on TV. Artie said that his hooker was really into that ''Age of Love'' show and wanted to watch that when his cock wasn't in her mouth. Howard said he stayed up to watch that last night himself. He said he tried to watch it all but had to go to bed. Artie figured out he got it wrong when the guys told him the show he was talking about was the Rock of Love that airs on VH-1.
Howard said he told the story about peeing all over himself yesterday. He got a note from a guy who sent some notes about this pouch that they carry in their trucks and it turns the pee into a gel. He said it's called the Brief Relief. Artie said he knew guys who could pee into a bottle of Bud from two yards away. Howard said it's not so easy in a moving car.
Howard read some e-mail from people who told him how disgusting it was that he peed in the bottle in the car. Howard said he knows it is but he couldn't help it. He had peed before he left but had to go during the 3 hour ride home.
Howard said he got some feedback about Bubba the Love Sponge and Ralph's fight. He said some people want Bubba off the channel because he's such a pussy about the comments Ralph made about his wife. Howard said Bubba has a big following there now. He's got people listening to his show that won't listen to the Stern show.
Howard said that someone asked about the oil paintings they have on the walls there in the hallways. Howard said they have pictures of a bunch of those guys and one of their sponsors does that stuff. (PhotoFiddle.com). The guys talked about some of the paintings that are out there.
Howard said that a lot of people have written in about Artie's shaking in his sleep and stuff. Some people think that he's going to have a stroke and he'll end up sounding like Larry Flynt. Howard said the worst part will be that he'll keep Artie on the show because he's so loyal to his staff. Artie did his impression of Flynt and joked about what he'd be talking about if he had a stroke.
Artie said he hasn't been having seizures either. He said he's had some shaking going on but they're not seizures. Howard read some e-mail about Charlie Murphy's visit. The fans seemed to like his interview. Howard said he was at dinner with his 21 year old daughter last night and she's a big fan of his. She said she had just seen him in concert and said that she had heard of his brother Eddie. Charlie has apparently gotten big with the younger crowds. Artie said he worked with him years ago and he needed a lot of work back then. He must have worked on that stuff.
Howard said that Jeff the Drunk is out of the hospital so he took a call from him. Jeff said he's home but the hole in his ass is bigger than ever. He said that he's going to the doctor on Wednesday and he'll be going back after that for more surgery if he's doing okay. Artie offered to send him like five grand to get himself some liquid Demerol. Jeff said he can't do that though. Howard asked Jeff about the skin graft he had done but hung up on him within seconds of getting an answer.
Howard played a new song parody that Mike Morse did about Artie. Mike performed the song as Bob Levy. The song was called ''His Ego's Been Inflated'' to the tune of The Ramones ''I Wanna Be Sedated.'' Artie got a few laughs out of that. Artie said it was a great impression except the parody was good. He liked all of the inside jokes that Mike threw in there about Bob getting to the show early and stuff like that.
Steve said that they have a story about Henry Hill coming up today. He'll be talking about the NBA betting and stuff like that. Steve wrapped up with his interview after that.
Howard had Jon Hein run down his show preview. Jon said they'll talk about how smooth things are running without Sal being there today. They'll also talk about all of the interruptions that were going on during the show and what Sal and Richard think about that. He said they'll also talk about the Ralph controversy. That led to Howard asking Jon if he thinks that Ralph should be kept off the show. Jon said that it depends. Then he finally said he thinks that he should limit him from the number of times he calls in during the show.
Howard thought that Jon had a problem with him but Jon said that's not true. Robin said she agrees that Ralph should be made to come into the city if he wants to get on the show. That would limit his calls right there. Artie said that they probably could cut back on the number of calls Howard takes from Ralph but he likes the stuff he has to say. Jon agreed about that. Howard said he really doesn't know when Ralph is going to have something good to say and the show isn't scripted so it's a tough call.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she and Ralph are very similar in the way they feel so passionate about calling. She thinks that she should let him call in. Howard took a few more calls and let some other guys comment on him. Bobo said he's worked with Ralph and he does help keep the Superfan Roundtable move along. Howard said he's going to continue to let him call in.
One caller said he thinks that the callers are jealous of Ralph and that's why they're so angry. Howard said that's how he feels. Howard played a clip of Jon Hein, in a very rare moment, freaking out on Ralph when Ralph was doing the Friday Show with him. Jon sounded very angry with Ralph over all of that and yelled at him. Howard said that they do have a bit of a history together. Jon said that he picks up on Ralph 80-90 percent of the time he calls into the Wrap Up Show.
Howard took a call from Double A who hasn't called in much lately. Double A said he liked John the Stutterer's show last night. He's not even into politics. He said that he's looking to bring back his own show to Howard 101. Howard said ''Oops, got disconnected.'' and hung up on Double A. He said his show was okay but didn't seem that interested in bringing it back.
Howard had some clips from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where the guys were asking JD if his life was changed by being on the show. JD said it wasn't changed but some things have happened in his life that may not have happened if he wasn't on the show. Howard said that means his life was changed. He played some other clips where the guys were asking JD about getting his salad tossed. JD said he didn't but that led to Howard talking about how he doesn't want a chick down there because his ass is hardly ever fresh back there. He said that he has told Beth that he'd tongue her asshole but he's not so sure she'd want that either.
Artie said there used to be this magazine called ''Assholes and Pussies'' and he used to look at them and those two things are very close geographically. He said that he's probably tossed a salad here and there. Howard said he doesn't think he's ever done that, ever. He let Jon Hein go and had Robin start her news.
Robin started off talking about the premiere of this Anne Hathaway movie out in the Hamptons. Howard said he thought he talked about that yesterday but forgot he didn't. He said that he introduced himself to Anne at the premiere and went and watched the movie. He said that he really liked it and as he was leaving the movie, he saw that she was in tears. He and Beth figured that her boyfriend was upset with her over the love scenes. He said that Anne was crying so hard that she was heaving.
Howard said that someone told him that she was upset about seeing herself on screen but according to the paper, she was actually upset about something her boyfriend said to her. Howard said that Mary McCormack's boyfriend showed up to the set of ''Private Parts'' but that didn't stop him from making out with her on the set. He said that Mary is actually in some independent film that she wants him to watch. He said the movie is rated R so he asked her if she shows any tittie. She wrote him back and said ''sadly not.''
Double A called back in during the news and asked about his show coming back to Howard 101. Howard said he'd have to think about it. He said that even Robin liked it. She said she wasn't sure she ever even heard it. Howard told him he'd think about it and let him go. He said he'd think about it and maybe tell him that the show is coming back August 18th, 2014.
Howard brought up a story about CBS radio's revenue dropping 11 percent while SIRIUS revenue was up by 51 percent. He said that David Hinkley should be writing a column about his show every day. He said this radio show is a tremendous story, every single day.
Howard ended up doing impressions of both Ted Kennedy and the Gammoreon Guard guy while Robin was trying to do her news. She kept rolling with her news stories even though Howard and Artie were both doing their impressions. They were interrupting her, she was interrupting them and Fred was throwing in clips of music and train sounds to interrupt all of them.
Howard asked Jason for some scissors during the news because he was trying to pull the bandage off his arm from the blood test thing he did before the show. The bandage was stuck to his arm hair so he wanted to cut it off instead of just ripping it off.
During one story Robin revealed that she has the hots for this little person Peter Dinklage who has been in a few movies. He's in this new Underdog movie that Robin brought up. When Howard heard that news, he said that he has to set Robin up on a date with him. He asked her what position he'd be in if he was having sex with her. Robin wasn't sure, she wasn't really thinking about that. JD came in and said that there was this midget guy out in Vegas who bangs hot chicks so it's not that unusual that hot chicks are into midgets. Artie asked Robin if she would be with JD or Peter Dinklage. She ended up picking Peter over Fred, JD and Charlie Murphy. She was done with her news around then so Howard ended the show a short time later, around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he couldn't sleep last night so he was up at 3 in the morning. He said he wanted to go to the green room and take a nap and just turn over the show to the guys. Robin said that she went out to a friend's house last night and kept drinking her weight loss drinks while they ate regular food. She said she's back on her detox drinks. Artie said he could never do that because he'd end up killing someone.
Howard brought up this guy Peter Dinklage that Robin mentioned she was excited by during the news yesterday. Robin said that guy turns her on and she realized that one time while watching him. She said that he's sexy to her and it's not about his size. Howard said that she loves that about Robin. Artie said that it's a politically correct thing to say that you'd fuck a midget. He thinks that Robin is trying to cater to the midget community. He thought it was just a nice thing to say. Robin said that's not true at all, she didn't have to say it at all.
Fred agreed with Artie but Howard didn't want to go down that road with him. Howard wanted to talk to Robin about him because he and Fafa Fooey look very similar. Fred said he was stunned at how similar they look in the picture they got in the e-mail. Howard wanted to find the picture but his stack of paper was so big that he wasn't able to find it. He said Jason had printed out like 900 pages of web sites for him.
Howard finally found the picture comparing Peter and Baba Booey and showed it to everyone. Artie said ''Wow!'' when he saw it but Robin didn't seem to think they were all that similar. Howard said if Robin was in a room with Peter he's not sure she could do him. Robin said she was thinking about what it would be like to walk down the street hand in hand with him and she's not sure she could take the goofing from everyone in the studio.
Howard brought up how the sex might work and told Robin he likes that she can say that she likes people like that. Artie still thought that she was just saying this to make people think that she likes all kinds of people.
Artie said he wanted to make a movie about Santa Claus' son that would be really dark where he'd be the son who was a real mess because of his father's popularity. He said that he wanted to seduce an elf in the movie and fuck her in a bunch of positions and eventually get her pregnant and marry her. He said he pitched the idea to a bunch of people but they rejected the idea.
Howard said he just got the script for the Porkey's remake that he's been working on for a few years now. He hasn't read it yet though. He said he's not sure when they started the process but it takes forever. He said he's looking forward to it if it ever works out. Howard said that maybe he'll put Peter Dinklage in there.
Howard said that Danny Bonaduce is going to call in today to talk about his divorce. Artie asked Howard when he started dating after his divorce. Howard told Artie he might know the first chick that he went out with but didn't mention any names.
Howard said Jackie was asked about the puppet theft by Howard 100 News and then talked about it on his Joke Hunt show last night. Howard played the clip after that. Jackie went into this whole explanation about what he did on the show and how he was the one who got this whole thing going with the missing puppet. Ian played a clip for Jackie where Fred says he thinks that Jackie is behind the theft. Then Jackie says that he should be rewarded for getting Fred to speak.
Jackie then goes on to say that he loved that puppet even though Fred was saying that he hated it. Jackie goes on to tell a story about how he found out about the puppet before they brought it on the show. He told the guy to bring it in himself so he wouldn't have to bring it in himself. He figured that they'd goof on him if he brought the puppet in himself.
Howard said that Jackie thought that he had worked them all by telling the guy to bring the puppet in himself but they would have loved that thing no matter who brought it in. Howard got back to the clip where Jackie talks about the puppet and said that he thinks that they're going to deny the story on Howard's show but Howard said they can't do that, they don't know if it's true or not. Howard said they couldn't not love that puppet.
Jackie said he never would have stolen that puppet and he can't believe that Fred would accuse him of that. Jackie said he thinks that Fred has the puppet and he's sleeping with it. He also said that he loves Fred whether he likes it or not. He really wants to know where the puppet is and hopes that someone has it out there.
Fred said he thinks Jackie is nuts. He said something about Jackie not being all that funny with the sleeping with the puppet comment but Howard said it was kind of funny and he did laugh. Robin didn't think it was funny. Artie said that Jackie is funny but there's no joke ever written that warrants his laugh. Artie said that tomorrow a hot chick is going to come in with an Artie robot. He was goofing on Jackie's story when he said that.
Howard said Dan the Song Parody Man took some of Eric the Midget's ''Uhh'' clips and put them to music. He played one of those, to the tune of ''Everybody Dance Now'' and said he could listen to that all day long. Howard also played a couple more Iron Sheik song parodies after that.
Artie was doing his impression of Sheik and telling Howard about some things he's seen him say during interviews. Howard said he's going to tell Sheik that Vince McMahon gave Artie a $50 million contract to go fight. That should piss him off.
Howard played the audio clip from Scott Ferrall's show where Sheik yells at callers thinking that one guy was Randy Savage. Artie said they need to have some beer in there for him tomorrow morning. Howard wondered what Ronnie's plan is if the Iron Sheik goes crazy tomorrow morning. He wants to know what he could do to control that guy if he loses it.
Artie said he's going to be running if Sheik gets mad at him for dressing up like him. He won't stick around to find out what he's going to do. Howard played some more Iron Sheik audio clips and that Eric the Midget clip again as well.
Howard played a quick prank call and then said he had to take a break so he could come back and do a tribute to Tom Snyder. He and the guys ended up talking about him a little bit before they went to break. Artie said he didn't know how many people actually liked the guy. There were a ton of people quoted in the news who were praising the guy. Howard said the guy was talented.
Howard said that he read that the Wall Street Journal merger has been accepted and now Rupert Murdoch is going to add that to his giant company. He said the fact of the matter is that no one can criticize the guy because he owns so many companies. He said the government could care less, the only thing they're paying attention to is the satellite company merger where two companies are bleeding to death financially. He said they let all of these other companies merge within weeks but this one merger between two satellite companies is a problem.
Howard said he was going to take a break again but he kept talking about Tom Snyder and why he got upset when he did an interview with Tom one time because they wouldn't let him plug his 800 number to sell his Crucified by the FCC tapes. He eventually went to break.
Howard said that Metallica really is amazing and he saw them do a concert with 72 musicians one time and it was amazing. He said they have done some things that he didn't like all that much but they are pretty amazing. Artie said he saw them back in 1994 at Woodstock and they were so amazing that they weren't sure if Aerosmith could follow them. He said they could though, both of them were amazing.
Howard moved on to play this clip from 1991 when he did an interview with Tom Snyder who was filling in for Bob Costas on his TV show. Howard did the math, which took him a minute, and figured out that was 16 years ago. Artie said he remembers working at the port as a long shoreman in Newark and what Howard was up to back then. He said that his buddy loved that Jeffrey Dahmer song that they sued to play on the show and if you talked while it was on, the guy would punch you in the chest.
Howard said he used to edit all of this stuff in his basement back then. He came up with the Crucified by the FCC thing and wanted to promote it on that show but they wouldn't let him. He said they actually bleeped out the number from the show and told him he wasn't allowed to plug it.
Howard played the interview where Tom interviewed him. Tom gave him a nice talk up but Howard started in with him within a short time. He thanked him for the nice talk up and then asked Tom why he bad mouths him in other articles. Tom told Howard he wasn't a fan of his format and his style of radio.
Howard interrupted and said that was good TV back then. Robin said she remembers watching the interview from in the studio and it really was very interesting. Artie said he could listen to this whole interview so Howard got back to it and let it play through some more.
Howard and Tom talked about his radio show but Howard just wanted to plug his CD set but they weren't allowing him to give the number out. Howard talked to Tom about his father being in the business, but just barely. Tom brings up how Howard's make up person was there a half hour before Howard got there and was setting him up with Evian water and things like that. Howard said there's noting wrong with wanting that stuff. Howard said that people like Tom want to do this phony broadcasting while he was doing a real show and talking about real things.
Artie said that Howard had his really long hair and leather jacket back then. Howard said that the guys used to call Tom's show and goof on him. He played a prank call where Ponce De La Phone called him and said that Tom looks like a dead Beetle with his awful hair. He had some other clips where Ponce called in and asked him if he's jealous of Howard and things like that. In one clip Tom said they had gotten the phone number for one of the Stern callers and he was going to be calling them all weekend.
Howard said he had more clips from his interview with Tom Snyder but he wasn't sure how much people wanted to hear. He played a quick clip where they bleeped out the plug he gave for his CD set. Richie Wilson from Howard TV came in and said that the best part of that interview was the end when you can see Tom get pissed and take off his microphone and walk off stage. Howard noticed that he had some new tattoos on him so he told him to stop. He said it was enough and he shouldn't keep going. He said he's got a cartoon all over his body. He goofed on him a little bit and then let him go.
Danny said that ''Breaking Bonaduce'' isn't coming back because he saw no reason to break Bonaduce anymore. He said that there was no reason to continue that anymore because he wasn't able to get a job after doing that. He thinks that it also caused problems in his marriage. Howard asked Danny how he's going to handle his wife banging other dudes. Danny said he won't be there so he won't have a problem with it.
Howard said that Danny's wife seems to want to go out and bang other dudes and she said that on Breaking Bonaduce. Danny said that he worked hard and his wife used his money to make herself look even better. He said that she spent a lot of money turning herself into who she is and now he doesn't get to enjoy that.
Howard asked Danny how long it had been since they last had sex. Danny said that it was months and months and that's why he had to leave. He's got a new girlfriend that he loves and she gives him sex. Howard asked him if he would go back to his wife if she offered to give him sex. Danny said he probably wouldn't go back there. He said she obviously doesn't like him too much.
Howard is afraid that Danny is going to go ''OJ'' on his wife's next man. Danny said that he does have anger in him about that stuff but he doesn't think he's going to go OJ on anyone. Howard said he predicts that Danny is going to be in a world of trouble and they should continue his reality show. They should follow him through the divorce and all of that. He said that this guy is going to move in with his wife and he'll be around Danny's kids and that will lead to Danny freaking out. He thinks that he might just go OJ and it's very possible. Danny said he doesn't think he'll do any real harm. He said he has to be able to provoke the other guy into punching him first, then he can kill the guy.
Danny said that Gretchen said that she's having trouble dating because guys are afraid that he's going to sneak in and kill them during the night. Howard read that Danny is giving his wife 3.3 million and he's taking 3.2 for himself. That shows that he's got a little money saved up. Danny said that he did have some money saved up and he had told Howard about that.
Howard said that Danny is now co-hosting the Adam Carolla show and he's only getting like $350,000 a year doing that. He wondered why it was so low. Danny said that was the best he could do back then when he signed on but now people are knocking on his door wanting him more. He said he's showed that he can show up on time for work and the job offers are going crazy. He only signed a 1 year contract so he could leave if he wanted. He said that they went from 28th to 5th place in L.A. and up to number 1 in Las Vegas after he joined Adam's show.
Danny said that Howard has always been there for him and he really appreciates that. He said that Adam is still trying to find his groove doing what he's doing. He said that Adam is a great guy.
Danny got in a plug for some upcoming comedy shows he's doing there in New York on September 21 and 22. He's going to be at Comix in Manhattan those days. You can find out more at ComixNY.com.
Howard asked Danny about the sex he's having with this new girl, Amy. Danny said that when he was having sex with Gretchen, he'd have to check for a pulse once in a while. He said that Amy is the opposite and she's completely into pleasing him.
Howard asked Danny what a guy can do to satisfy Gretchen in bed. He said that they have to take out the trash and be very quiet in the house. Danny said that he and Amy are doing it a lot and they did it 7 times in one day one time. He said that he wants to show off his body on camera next time he calls in and show off his erection and use his penis as a microphone.
Howard let Danny go and said that he can't believe VH-1 didn't keep him on because now is the time that the sparks are going to fly in that relationship. Howard found it hard to believe that Adam's show went from 28th to 5th in Los Angeles and up to number 1 in Las Vegas. He said that Tim Sabean was going to go look that up for him.
Howard said that some radio guys find loopholes for their ratings and make stuff up to make it seem like they're number one. He said Imus used to do that with his ratings and he'd say that he was number one with rich guys or some crap like that.
Artie said that Jimmy Kimmel might know about the ratings for Adam's show because he was the executive producer. Howard said that some guy threw him some money to have that title. Artie said he'd know that kind of news even if that's true.
Lisa said they're going to have more coverage of Artie and JD's weekend in Vegas. They found out that Artie doesn't do the shows out there at Beecher's Madhouse with a contract. Artie said that he's know the guy a long time and he trusts him. He said he gets paid a flat fee and a percentage of the door.
Lisa said that this day 15 years ago they aired the final episode of the Channel 9 show. Lisa said she met Howard back then when he was working there and he was wearing these tight leather pants. Howard said he was a fucking retard back then. He said that his ratings were insane back then and they were number one on Saturday nights.
Howard said he was talking to Dan Foreman recently about that show and how they gave up the show because there was too much interference from management and that's why the show ended. There are people who think it was canceled but it was Howard who gave it up. Robin said that it was just Howard, Jackie and Fred writing that show so they were working very hard. Artie said they had 10 writers on MAD TV when he was working there. Howard said he thinks that he, Jackie and Fred are probably the best sketch writers ever. He talked about how huge SNL was back then and how they probably had 50 writers.
Artie said that they have 15 cast members there at SNL now and they all have to write stuff. He said that Stuttering John claimed that he was writing with them as well. Howard and Fred said that was bullshit and he never wrote. They wrote all of his questions for him for those interviews John would do. Howard said John never wrote sketches or anything, he just did the interviews. Howard said John would come to their meetings and throw some ideas out there but he wasn't writing anything.
Fred said the only thing that John wrote is the line about the fact that he wrote. Howard said that Lisa's cancer hole contributed more than John did. Artie said he wasn't trying to start trouble, he just said that's what John told him. Howard told him to name just one sketch. He said he'd give credit to the guy if he actually did anything.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he and Mark Cronin were writers there too but John never contributed, he just swaggered around the studio there. They talked about the old days and how much fun they had working there. Howard thanked Al for the call and had Lisa get back to her news preview.
Lisa said they are going behind the scenes of the History of Howard Stern special that's going to air when Howard is on vacation during December. The special is going to air the week of December 17th. Howard said they're packaging a lot of these things for the fans and this first special is going to cover the first 30 years of his life. He said they start it out from the beginning, in 1954.
Artie asked Howard if his father ever pulled him aside to ask him about the jokes he made on that Tom Snyder show about him not being a success. Howard said that was just a joke and his father was very successful in his opinion. He also said that his father was very secure in that whole thing and knew that he was just joking around. He said that his father's best year was about $25,000 but that was a good living back then. He said his old man kept every penny and invested it. He said that he'd tell him about all of the investments that he made and that's how he was able to retire.
Howard said his father has a weird accent even though he's from America. He said that his parents used to speak Yiddish in front of him when he didn't know what they were saying. He said that drove him nuts. Artie said he had the same thing when there were Italians speaking that in front of him when he only understood a couple of words. Howard said his parents still do that to him. Howard let Lisa go and went to break.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where all of the guys were goofing on Gary for the way he takes over conversations and tells their stories for them. Sal said that he was glad that Gary wasn't there because they really can breathe in the studio when Gary isn't there to take all of their time. Robin said that show was great because they did have so many behind the scenes things to talk about.
Will came in and said that he talked to Gary too and he was all upset about what Sal did to him after he defended him during his marriage problems. Artie said that Sal is a backstabbing phony but this is a funny but that he's doing.
Howard played another clip where Sal was talking about how great the show was without Gary being there. Jason said he thinks that things might not run that well if Gary was out for like two weeks. Sal then goes on to talk about how Gary has to be there because he's fun to goof on. He said he's a good producer too but things did run smoother that day without him.
Howard said Gary heard about all of that and got freaked out a little bit. He played a few new Baba Booey song parodies that got Artie laughing his ass off. Will said that Sal has a new theory today that the reason Howard didn't sleep well is because Gary wasn't there again. Howard said that Sal is insane.
Howard said that Fred went off on Stuttering John on the Wrap Up show yesterday. He played the audio of that rant where Fred was talking about John accusing him of only handing in negative mail about him. The guys also talked about Ralph and if he should be on the show as much as he is now. He played some clips of the guys discussing those things. He had more of Sal giving his weird theories about things like why Beth is with Howard and things like that. He said that talent gravitates to talent and he's not sure why Ralph is around Howard.
Sal came in to defend himself over Artie goofing on him but Artie told him that he changes his mind on things at the flip of a switch. He said that he can't be trusted because he flip flops on stuff like that. Howard didn't want to get into it and tried to get rid of him by playing stuff over him and interrupting him like they were doing yesterday.
Artie said that he's afraid that because he's getting older, his skin won't snap back the way it used to. Howard said that he knows what he means and he sees that with his skin. Robin said that she thinks that Artie likes being the fat guy and he won't lose the weight because he can play that part in TV shows and movies. Howard asked Artie if he has any plans on losing the weight. Artie said he does but he hasn't started yet. He didn't have a cupcake today but he's not on a diet or anything like that.
Howard told Artie to predict his weight one year from now. Artie said he thinks he'll be under 250 by then. He didn't have any incentive though. He wanted to bet Howard or something but Howard said he wasn't going to do that. He should want to lose it.
Howard took a call from a woman by the name of Tracy which reminded him that Tracy Morgan was going to be in tomorrow. Iron Sheik was going to be there too and Tracy was worried that Artie might get beaten up by the guy if he does his impression of him. She said she wants to meet Artie some day and wants him in one piece. She said that she's 35 years old and might be too old for Artie. Artie asked her what she weighs. She said she's about 130 and 5'7'' tall. Artie told her to lose like 10 pounds and they might have a date. Howard hung up on the woman but told Artie maybe he should go out with her.
Artie said it's impressive that there are so few people watching that show that those guys can call in so often and get through. Howard replayed the new Eric the Midget song parody he played earlier.
Howard said that he and Beth were talking about this tennis player Mark Philippoussis last night and she wanted to call in because she's a fan. He said they were also talking about a wedding and now they might just have a full blown wedding. Howard said that he actually mentioned it and now Beth is saying that it was his idea. Artie said that he told Howard to start painting a room for the baby because it's basically over now. Howard said he's not going there and he'd bet $100,000 on that. Artie said he's on Robin's side now and agrees that they will have a kid. Howard said he must be in denial or something then because he's not going to have another kid. He said he asked Beth if they were going to have a kid to get a divorce now before that actually happens.
Howard took a call from Wheels who said that Beth's pussy must be lined with gold and diamonds for Beth to be able to get him to do all of this stuff. He also asked where Ralph was today. Howard said that shows that people miss him when he doesn't call in.
Another caller said he thinks that Beth will have Howard's money in a few years so he might as well look for a bachelor pad now. Robin said that she spent a weekend with a 4 year old and it really wore her out. Howard said he knows, he's heard that from people he knows.
Howard played a song parody that someone created using clips of him going off on the guys for getting married. Howard said the good thing about getting married in his 50s is that he'd probably die before the marriage goes bad.
Howard said everyone was making him nuts and he's not going to do the kid thing. Another caller told him that Beth had him wrapped around his finger and he's a fag because of that. He said that pussy has him beaten. Howard said he's going to put a knife in his balls then. The caller said that he wasn't going to get married and how he's getting married. He says he won't have kids but he'll probably have kids. The guy called him a fag and said that he's one as well because he got married.
In another clip Riley's co-host asks him about his lack of erections after he was brought home from being abducted one time. Riley said they took a lot of bodily fluids from him back then and he had to re-up after that. It took him about a month.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he met Ralph. Howard said that Ralph was a fan when he was on NBC and actually called into his show when he was in high school. He said he didn't know him as Ralph back then though. Then Ralph came to see him at the NY Felt Forum when he did a live show. He was doing this thing where he was talking to his penis on stage but he didn't know how to make a puppet. He said he got a letter from a young Ralph Cirella who said he could do it. He sent him some ideas about how to do it and that's how they met. He said Ralph showed up with a talking penis that didn't work. He said that's typical Ralph though.
Howard said after that Ralph had gotten a job at WWOR (Channel 9) and he ended up working on that show doing the make up for him. He was making masks for him and things like that. Robin said that the make up was never all that great though and it would always pop off and looked the same no matter what character he was.
Howard said that Ralph made a mold of his head and knew how to do that stuff. He now realizes that he probably didn't know what he was doing. He said he allowed him to do it and Artie found that hard to believe knowing the way Howard is about stuff like that.
Howard said that Ralph also told him that his look was awful and started giving him advice on what to wear. That's how he worked his way into his situation. Howard had Ralph on the phone after that and Ralph said that he was a fan of his since the NBC days. He said he was doing the special effects make up back when Howard was doing the Club Bene shows. He said he gave Howard's intern a bunch of pictures of his work and that kid gave it to Gary who called him a few weeks later.
Artie said that he remembers Ralph doing his hair for the E! show. He used to hang around all the time back then. Ralph used to help him with his hair too but he wasn't a hair guy. He used to do that stuff and seemed to be working so Artie wasn't sure why he has this reputation for not doing anything there. Howard said that Ralph does a bunch of things for him and he's able to work his life to have a job that doesn't take up all his time.
Howard said that Ralph could have gone on to do the big movies and stuff but he never really wanted a 9-5 job so he did this instead. Ralph said he used to do a lot more stuff and this gave him the chance to do a bunch of things instead of just getting stuck doing one thing.
The caller said that Ralph seems like he's almost got Howard's personality. Howard said people mistake him for Howard Stern all the time. Ralph loves that though. Ralph said he was getting off the subway the other day and Kelly Ripa almost said hi to him but stopped when she realized it wasn't actually Howard.
The caller told Howard that he wasn't a fan of Artie's when he first started on the show but he's become a huge fan of his lately. He said he just watched his DVD ''It's the Whisky Talkin'' and thought it was amazing. He said that this one bit he does is hilarious and it was worth a watch. Howard said he's seen it and he knows the bit he's talking about. He let the guy go and went to break after that.
Mark said the 48 year old looks great for her age but Howard said that she's obviously had more surgery than Joan Rivers. He also said that she's got a great body but it's still a 50 year old body. He said that he has to think about how long that's going to last. mark said that she really does look amazing and he lives in the moment and doesn't think that far ahead. He said his family did talk to him about that but they liked the 26 year old too. Howard told Mark that Amanda, the 26 year old, has to do something with her eyebrows. They look freaky to him.
Howard said he gets why Mark is doing the show, he has to think about his future after tennis. Mark said that he wants to get back into tennis and all. He asked if he can take any of those women seriously because they're going on a TV show to meet a guy. He said he thought about that and looked at all of that from different perspectives.
Mark said he did think that some of the women were crazy but not all of them. Howard said one of the women on the show looked like she could have been his grandmother but Mark kept her around for a while. Mark said that was Maria and she did get a bit intense for him. Howard asked him if he banged any of the chicks. Mark said he didn't bang any of them but he did get a boner now and then. He said he had one during this massage that he got from the one woman. Howard figured that he had his finger in the chick while she was jerking him off. He said it was just a ''very relaxing'' massage.
Robin asked if he can really think about spending his life with one of these chicks. He interrupted and said that he met Howard once at the gym they both worked out at. He never bothered Howard because he figured he didn't want to be bothered.
Howard read that Mark had broken up with a 19 year old model who he met when she was 17. He figured that Mark couldn't possibly go for these older chicks after that. Howard also read that Mark dated Paris Hilton but he said that wasn't true. He did date a 19 year old Australian singer though. Howard read that he broke up with her by phone 3 days before he dated Paris. He said that wasn't true either.
Howard figured that Mark likes the younger chicks because there's no notes about him going out with 75 year old Joan Rivers or anything like that. Howard read that he took Anna Kournikova's virginity but he said that wasn't true. He denied fucking Tara Reid too. Artie found that hard to believe. mark said that he wasn't attracted to her or to Paris. He wasn't physically attracted to them. He said that he was attracted to Anna and he's known her since she was 10 years old.
Howard read that Mark's manager had to keep him away from Anna because he was afraid he'd bang her before a match and lose his powers. Mark said that guy said a lot of things and that isn't necessarily true.
Howard wondered what happened to the host of the show and why he hasn't been on. Mark said that he was there and it's the way they edit the show that makes it seem like he wasn't there. Howard wondered if the girls know that Mark is going to break up with them and break their hearts after the show. He told Mark that if he doesn't pick the 26 year old, he's nuts. Howard said he'd fuck that chick so hard if he had the chance.
Howard got back to the massage thing and asked him if he blew a load or not. Mark said that he didn't blow a load but wouldn't swear ''on the lord Jesus Christ'' when Howard asked him to. Howard told him that any chick who gives him a hand job is going to expect him to pick her. He asked if she had grey pubes. Mark said he didn't see anything in that room, it was too dark.
Howard told Mark he really likes the show and he really liked Mark on there. He doesn't come across as an asshole on the show. mark told Howard he hasn't seen the women since they ended the show back in May. He said that NBC doesn't want them talking to each other and ruining the ending. He said that it was a pretty cool thing to do being able to date 30 women at the same time.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him why he was being such a dick to this guy. Howard said he wasn't being a dick and Mark said he didn't think he was either. Mark claimed that he was a big fan of the show and listened all the time but he didn't know Artie's name. He knew that Artie did stand up comedy and had his own CD out. It's a DVD, but he did kind of know about Artie without knowing his name.
Howard asked Mark if he's circumsized. He said that he's not so Howard asked him if he thinks that's going to freak out the American broads. He didn't think it would. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that he's been living in Sydney, Australia and every guy down there is fucking 19, 18 and 17 year olds. He said that they're all creepy and Mark should probably be arrested. The guy was going nuts on him but eventually calmed down and said that he had been joking around.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Mark has banged a ton of chicks there in Australia. He said he knows that Mark banged this chick Sarah Jane down there and pounded her like there was no tomorrow. The caller said he thinks that Mark has banged so many chicks that he's probably even pounded his sister. Howard thinks that a lot of guys are jealous of him, that's where all of that is coming from.
Howard gave Mark a plug for his show ''The Age of Love'' which has it's season finale on Monday on NBC. One guy told a joke about how chicks are like dog shit, the older they get the easier they are to pick up. Artie did his Jackie laugh after that and goofed on the guy for telling such a lame joke.
Another caller asked Mark if he wants to have kids. Mark said he likes them so the caller suggested that maybe Beth would leave Howard for Mark when she wants to have kids. Howard and Artie told him that was quite a leap. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Mark to pick the 48 year old woman because she's 48 years old herself and that would mean a lot to her.
Howard wished Mark luck and talked about how much he must be worth after playing tennis and stuff like that. Howard read that Mark was nicknamed ''The Scud'' because of his strong tennis serve. Howard told him that his nickname is ''The Skid'' for his skid marked underpants. He asked him how he got into the game. mark said his father put a racquet into his hand when he was 6 and he just started playing.
Howard gave Mark an F, Marry, Kill game to play before he left. He gave him Venus Williams, Billy Jean King and Martina Navratilova. Mark had trouble picking one to kill. He said he can't kill anyone. He said he'd have to have sex with Venus and then said he might have to marry Billy Jean and that would leave Martina to kill. Robin was shocked. Howard wrapped up with him and said he'd be watching the season finale of his show on Monday night.
Artie said he used to follow tennis a little bit but he had no idea who this guy was. Howard said he thinks he saw him play one time and he is good. He was going to go to break but spent a little more time talking about this Age of Love show and how he doesn't think that he's going to stick with the 48 year old. He has to go for the younger chick. He went to break after that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who was looking for some help paying his phone bill from the hospital. Howard told Artie he had some breaking news for him, Jeff was looking for money. Howard said that something must be in the air because Wendy the Retard left a voice mail asking for money. He played the message where Wendy asked for like $2,000 for a new bed so she can pay some bills and do some things. She said she was going crazy with her bed falling apart and needed some help. Howard said that her voice was very calm and much different than when she was doing her Freddy Kruger voice.
Artie asked Jeff how much money he needed. Jeff said he needs like $500 to pay for the TV and phone he had in the hospital. Howard wondered why he didn't just read a book instead of watching TV. Jeff said he ''needed'' the TV to watch Yankee games. Artie asked Jeff if he would want Wendy or him to have the money if he had to choose between the two. Jeff said that Wendy probably deserves it more than he does.
Howard said that Jeff told Jason yesterday he only needs $150 but today it was up to $500. Jeff said that's because that's the prizes they give away on the show. Artie asked him about his brother and if he can help him out. Jeff just mumbled something. Howard let him go and Jeff didn't seem upset that they weren't sending him any money. He said he may have to quit smoking if he can't pay his bills. Howard asked him how much he'd save not smoking. Jeff said it would be about $150. Jeff said the hospital thing is more than $150 because that's how much it was last time he stayed and that's how much it'll be when he stays at the hospital again. Howard hung up on Jeff and said no one wants to hear that stuff.
Steve got in a plug for Bubba's show which is live in New York today. Jon Hein then came in and ran down the stuff they'd be talking about today on the Wrap Up show. Jon said they're going to talk about how smooth the show has been running without Gary being there. Howard interrupted that discussion to talk about how he gets to have a doctor stick his finger up his ass today. He said he knows he's okay and he hates to have that done when he knows that.
Howard said he doesn't feel like he has cancer in him so he doesn't want to have a finger up there. Robin said that she doesn't get annual physicals and she just keeps going. Artie said that there's a great episode of Baywatch where Mitch tries to marry this chick and she says to him with tears in her eyes ''I've got cancer Mitch'' and dies a week later.
Howard said it's so humiliating when they do the finger up the ass. He said it's awful to go wipe the jelly out of his asshole. He said he has to go home and take a shower to wash it out like he's been raped or something. The doctor is a good friend of his too and he trusts him but hates showing him his dick. He said that he tries to chub himself up a little bit before he's examined but he never gets hard when the guy is looking at him. He said that he basically plays with himself while he waits for the guy.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that he just had the finger up his ass on Monday. He said that it was so awkward and he felt like he had just been raped. Howard said that he misses Gary now because he's the one who keeps Doug out of the studio. He was just kidding around though. Doug told him he was going to stand there at stare at him with his creepy eyes.
Jon Hein got back to his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll talk about the Jackie story they heard earlier in the morning. They'll also talk about Gary being out and if anyone there thinks they don't get the credit they deserve.
Howard said he couldn't believe that Eva Longoria was offered 4 million bucks to give up some pictures to them. He said that Beth actually got an offer to have some magazine cover her wedding if they ever have one. Howard isn't sure he'd want to do that.
Artie said that he's going to have two rooms done for this TV show that he's doing where they make over a room. He said it was supposed to be just one room but now they're giving him a media room and a full game room. He said they're giving him a nice pool table and all kinds of other things. He said that it should be a great room when they're done with it.
Jon said that they'll also talk about Mark Philippoussis' call today on the Wrap Up Show. Steve the Intern came in and said that they're going to be previewing the Ronnie the Limo Driver block party tonight on the Intern Show. He said they'll talk to both the girls and the guys about what they expect to happen there at the party. Howard wrapped up with him and had Robin start her news.
Howard said that there are a couple of web sites out there where they tell you how to build a Boba Fett costume. He kept calling him ''Baba Fett.'' Howard said one of the web sites he was checking out is this guy who made his own Tron outfit and that guy was at TronGuy.net. Richard came in and said that he's been on Jimmy Kimmel's show a bunch of times and he's great because he's over weight and you can see his package through the tight fitting outfit he has.
Howard mentioned some of the stuff they have coming up tomorrow. They have Artie playing Anal Ring Toss with Bubba the Love Sponge. They were supposed to have Chubby Checker in to play but he backed out of that. The Iron Sheik is going to be on too so Howard played some of the audio from Scott Ferrall's show to preview what they can expect tomorrow.
Robin started her news after that. She brought up a story about OJ Simpson and spent a few minutes talking about him with Howard and the guys. They also talked about this little person who was arrested for driving under the influence. Artie joked that he was actually arrested for driving ''under the wheel'' and also got a laugh when he heard he was the president of the Little People of America. He wondered if he, as President, can declare war on other little people around the world.
Robin read through a bunch of other stories. Then Howard said that Craig Gass was on the phone but it was getting too late to talk to him. He told him to call back tomorrow. He just wanted to get out of there at a decent time. Robin wrapped up a short time later, around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about the big show they had coming up today. They had Iron Sheik, Bubba the Love Sponge, Anal Ring Toss and Tracy Morgan all today. Howard said that he talked to Danny Bonaduce yesterday and he was claiming that Adam Carolla's radio show had gone from number 28 to 5th place in the L.A. market. He said that they may be blowing smoke up his ass over there. He read through the ratings information he got and in the 12+ market they went from a 1.5 to a 1.4 so they actually went down a spot in the market.
Howard read through the 18-49 demo. They went from a 1.9 to a 1.7. Then they show that they went from a 2.0 in the 25-54 demographic, to a 1.8, down again. Howard wondered why Danny would say that they went up like he did. He read another one where they went from a 2.8 to a 2.4. He said that they went from a 2.8 to a 1.5 in another demographic. He said that Danny must have pulled an Imus on them yesterday.
Howard said there were no ratings showing them going from 28th to 5th place in that market. Artie said that someone may be bullshitting Danny and telling him that information. He said that maybe he meant Las Vegas because they did go up in the ratings out there, just not in Los Angeles.
Howard wasn't sure what was going on there but it wouldn't be the first time Danny said something crazy. He's doing okay though, he's working and he's having fun. Howard took a call from a guy who said that maybe Danny was talking about the monthly numbers or something. Howard said he's not sure, but the numbers he have don't show what Danny was talking about. Another caller asked Howard to leave Danny alone, he just lost half his money. He can't be thinking straight.
The guys talked about some of the stuff Danny has gone through over the years and how he was able to save up a few bucks and now he's going to lose it to his wife in the divorce.
Howard said he had all of his blood work done and it all came back clean. He said that his doctor told him he makes his job easy because he eats right and exercises. He doesn't have to push him to do that. Howard said he talked to him about Artie and how he's let himself go. The doctor said that Artie will have problems if he keeps that up.
Artie was eating while that was going on. Howard said that he and Ralph were talking about the cupcakes that Artie eats and how he washes it down with Hawaiian Punch which is disgusting itself.
Artie said that Shuli made him a CD of his favorite morning from May 2003 when the first hour of the show was them talking about going to a restaurant and the guys telling him he was going to be 300 pounds if he kept that up. He was thin back then so he didn't think that would happen. Artie said that was the same show when Stuttering John told a story about finding maggots in his orange juice and giving details about that as he was dry heaving.
Artie mentioned he's going up to Massachusetts to do a comedy show this weekend. He and Nick DiPaolo are doing two shows and this guy is putting them up at his house in Cohassett. He said he and Nick are going to spend like 3 days together and they'll have a lot of laughs. He said that Nick is from that area so he knows where to eat. He said that he's really looking forward to eating up there. Howard said that he'd do the same but he'd run 5 miles the next day to get rid of that.
Howard said that the TV show with Stuttering John's orange juice thing will be airing in September. Artie got back to his eating thing and said that he will overeat when he's up there in Massachusetts and he can't help it. He said he can't even tell if the food is good until after he eats.
Artie said he watched last night's ''Rescue Me'' and he was startled when he saw himself on screen. He said he was all fat and he had all of this grey in his beard. He also said that he was shocked at how big he was too.
Howard said that Courtney Love has lost a lot of weight lately and she looks way too thin now. Robin said that's what could happen to Artie if he stopped eating. Howard thinks that might be impossible. Artie said that he could really get obsessed with losing weight if he could just get started in that. Artie thinks that if he could get a hot chick trainer to help him out, he's pretty sure that would motivate him.
Howard pointed out that Artie had a big blob of butter on his hand and he didn't even notice it. Artie said that happens a lot. He said that the chick from Win Fred's Money called him last night and she's coming into town on Labor Day. She'd like to get dinner with him. He said that she was very cute when she came in there for the Win Fred's Money thing but she had to strip down when she lost and she had a great body. He said that he doesn't mind someone like that stalking him, it's Jeff Curro that he's worried about.
Howard said that he uses a ton of K-Y and then wipes him like a baby. Then he has to go wipe out his asshole when he was done because it was full of jelly. He said he went home and used one of his wipes to get the rest of it out. Then he went out to dinner with Beth.
Howard said that Beth went to the doctor and had a bit of a scare. Artie said that would really be a shock if she was sick. Howard said they were talking about what she would do when he's dead. Robin joked that she's going to have a party when he dies. Howard was shocked by that joke and Artie got a good laugh from it. She said she was just joking but Howard said it's no joke coming from her.
Howard said that he was going to try and get over the joke but Robin got pissed and said she was going to walk out because they were so sensitive when she tries to make a joke. Everyone else can joke around but not her. Howard said that was serious coming from her, it's very, very heavy in his opinion. Howard said he's going to pretend that it never happened. Robin said she's going to leave and he can continue the conversation with his ''friends'' since she's not one of them.
Howard said that Beth went to the gynecologist and the doctor said that they had found a lump in her breast. He started to freak out because he was afraid she might lose her breasts or something. He said he spoke to his doctor and he told him that 99 percent of the time it's nothing. He said that Beth had some more tests done and it was nothing. She said that Beth had her first mammogram because of that and she's just starting at 35. She said that she wouldn't have known about it if she hadn't had this scare.
Robin said those mammograms are awful because they take your tit and just smash it between two plates. Howard said Beth told him that it felt like her tit was going to explode because they smash it so hard. Howard said that the guy who did her exam was a straight guy and that kind of surprised him that she'd let a guy like that do the exam.
Jessica called in and asked Howard if he and Beth are going to run off and get married because they're both getting these blood tests and stuff. Howard said that's not what's going on. He said they're not getting married.
Another caller brought up what Robin said and said he was offended by what she said. Robin couldn't believe that people were upset about what she said. He was saying that he hopes that Robin does leave and that the show runs much smoother without her.
Howard said he had to calm Gary down and told him exactly how it went down. Gary said he was fine when he heard the story from Howard. Howard asked Gary to get the voice mail that Artie left him. While Gary was doing that Howard played the song parody that Gary wrote about Sal and his wife. Gary said he wrote that after Sal brought it up on the air and got it out in the open.
Howard had a song parody that might be the worst one they ever got. He said that Sal told a story about how an Indian guy mistook him for an fellow Indian and this guy Mike wrote a song parody about it. He said it was the worst thing he'd ever heard. The song starts out and has a long intro. He played through the song and the guy sings over his best line ''Raccoon Eyes'' in the middle of it. Artie said that this guy and Bob Levy should get together and work on some songs. Howard said that Bob is a genius at song parodies compared to this guy.
Howard said that his friend told him a story about Tracy Morgan. Tracy has this ankle thing that he has to wear to make sure he doesn't drink. He was out at a bar one night and he came in contact with someone who was drinking and the sensor showed that there was some alcohol. Tracy said that he told his people that he wasn't going to jail. One of the writers asked him if he would let a really drunk chick blow him because it might set off the sensor. Tracy said that he'd was going to jail if that happens.
Howard said that he'd never stand in John's way of leaving the show but when Jay comes in and does it in a sneaky way, it's really lame. He said he asked Jay about it and Jay doesn't admit that he was keeping it a secret. Artie said that it was Leno's job to tell him about that so John should be let off the hook.
Howard said that Leno should have called him and let him know he was going to take one of his key people. He said he thinks that they were able to replace John with some great guys, like Sal and Richard, and they do a great job. Howard started to go off on Leno's show and some of the stuff they've stolen from his show but cut himself off and said he didn't want to get into that.
That stuff came up on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and Ralph was blaming John for the situation. Howard said that he really doesn't blame him. He said that Leno was at fault there. He said that Leno is a skeevy mouse. He said he screwed over his manager Helen Kushnick too. He said he didn't want to get into that but kept going back to it.
Howard asked the guys for the Jay Leno clips that Richard edited. No one knew what he wanted so they weren't able to come up with them. Fred found some and played a couple of those.
Gary told Howard that he had the voice mail from Artie to play. Howard played the voice mail and Artie tells Gary that they were just joking around about the show running smoother without him. He said he knows how that feels and he felt bad about telling some of them. He said he wanted to be supportive during the show so he tried his best. Artie told Gary that it's not the Howard Stern Show without Gary.
Gary came in and said that it was very sweet and he has to keep it playing. Howard cut it off and played Artie singing Anne Murray's ''Just Fall In Love Again.'' Artie said that he's not sure why he calls anyone on this show. Howard continued playing the voice mail and Artie keeps telling Gary that they were just goofing around. He said that he will be completely supportive from now on. He won't goof on him again and he really misses him.
Gary said he really appreciated that call. He said it was very sweet. Artie seemed a little irritated that he played it on the air though.
Howard played some clips from the Wrap Up Show where Sal was getting very weird talking about Ralph and Beth and comparing the two of them. Sal was also arguing with Ronnie during the Wrap Up Show so Howard played some of those clips. The two of them were going off on each other about a bunch of things. They were telling each other names and pointing out the creepy things that they've done in their lives. Ronnie nailed Sal at one point for sniffing Mutt's daughter's panties but Sal ignored him and didn't talk about it.
Sal came in and said that story was taken out of context. He said that he didn't sniff the panties himself, he was joking around with Richard and Joey Boots that day and it wasn't like he snuck into a panty drawer or anything. He said it was just a goof. Fred asked him if he would have done it in front of Mutt if it was just a goof. Sal stumbled on that answer and said ''probably not.''
Howard pointed out that Sal was wearing a t-shirt that showed his belly every time he lifted his arms up. Sal said that's because his shirts just don't fit him anymore. Howard kicked him out of the studio and got back to the Wrap Up Show clips.
Ronnie was arguing with a caller on the Wrap Up Show and calling the guy an asshole over and over again. Howard said Ronnie was a big star on that show. In another clip a woman asked Sal how he can compare Beth and Ralph the way he does. Sal goes into this long explanation about why he can do that. Howard head that and said that Sal is an idiot. He said his explanation was ridiculous. Sal came into the studio and said that they edited out what he was talking about in that clip. Howard said that Sal does that all the time and he's done it a million times. Sal said he couldn't even think this morning because Howard makes his head spin.
Sal said that they were talking about Ralph on the show the other day and he was giving his opinion. He said they asked him about it, he wasn't just throwing it out there. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he was at a psychiatric hospital for a few hours because he had to do something for a client. He said that place is more normal than this show is with Sal on it. He couldn't believe the things that Sal was saying yesterday.
Howard said that Sal shouldn't be making comparisons the way he does. Sal said that he was just being truthful. He thought he was making sense but Howard told him he wasn't. Dominic didn't think that Sal was hearing himself and what he was saying. Sal said there was nothing to hear and started to laugh after he said it.
Artie said that this show is like this great human experiment because there are people back stabbing and things like that. Howard said that this stuff goes on at every workplace in America, you just don't get to hear it on the air usually. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview but Robin got in an apology for the joke she told earlier. She said that she thought about it and it really bothered her so she wanted to apologize to Howard for that. Howard thanked her for that and had Lisa G do her thing.
Lisa said that this is the day High Pitch Eric is being evicted. Steve Langford is down there on the scene this morning. They heard that police will be there this morning to make sure things go smoothly. She said that High Pitch is going back to court to try and stop it but it appears it may be too late.
Lisa said that Jeff the Drunk's hospital bills are being paid by a dedicated Stern fan who wants to remain anonymous. Artie said that he gets mad when he hears that because Jeff gets what he wants just like every other time. He said the fan is being compassionate but Jeff is never going to learn.
Howard said that he can hear High Pitch getting evicted today and people knocking on his door. He figured high Pitch will pretend he's not High Pitch Eric, he's Kelly Clarkson. He played a bunch of High Pitch audio clips and goofed on him about that for a few minutes.
Tracy said he's not like Paris Hilton, he knows better than her and knows to show up to court. He was all worked up and acting like a hard ass as he was talking to Howard. Howard asked Tracy if he's ever been to a dog fight like Michael Vick. Tracy said that he was at one last night with his wife. He also said that he's looking to eat some pussy and butt hole. Tracy was also saying that he likes a little discharge from the butt hole, that's like special sauce on a Big Mac.
Tracy said that when he goes down on a woman he goes all the way. He doesn't mind a little smell down there as long as it's not like garbage. Howard tried to change subjects and asked Tracy about this ankle bracelet he has to wear now after getting arrested for drunk driving. He asked him about the bracelet but Tracy was all over the place talking about a bunch of stuff. Tracy said that it's not cool to drink and drive and his son has to see it so it's really not cool.
Tracy said that the sensor is so sensitive that it can pick up alcohol from people standing nearby. He said that this is like treatment for him, not a punishment. He said that Lindsay Lohan needs to spend some time with Joe Jackson and get under control. Tracy said that he got that bracelet on him and he's been clean for 3 months now. He said that he has to call in the results that are taken every 30 seconds. He said they monitor him for 24 hours a day and he can't get in a tub or pool with it but he can take a shower.
Tracy said he had to tell his son about the device and that wasn't cool. He said that one of his sons is 21 years old and his younger one is 16. Tracy is only 38 so he got started early having kids. He said that when he was young they didn't have anything better to do so they just started fucking. He said he's just about ready to kick his kids out of the house because they're cock blocking him at this point.
Howard asked Tracy about this story of him sexually harassing this woman at a radio station in Miami. Tracy said that was a misunderstanding that was taken care of. He said that there are some people who may not appreciate his shtick. He said you can't even look at people wrong on a train these days. Howard read that he was seen eating leaves in a park after the Miami radio station incident but Tracy said that was the Enquirer and that wasn't true.
Howard asked Tracy if he misses Saturday Night Live. Tracy said that he doesn't miss it all that much. Howard asked Tracy how many kids he has. He wondered if he wanted to know how many he's got on or off the books. Howard said off so Tracy said he's probably got about 20.
Howard asked Tracy when he's going back to work on ''30 Rock.'' Tracy said that's happening in a few weeks and the ankle bracelet will be off by then. He gets that off in about 10 days. Howard gave him a plug for his Caroline's comedy shows that he's doing this week. He's going to be there tonight through Sunday.
Howard read that Tracy had to go to schools and teach kids about drinking and driving. Tracy said he was into that and told the kids the way it was. He said he comes at them and tries to give them some encouragement. He was doing that before he got into trouble though. He said that was his way of giving back to the community. Robin said that when he screws up, the kids see that too and they must think that what he's telling them doesn't mean so much. Tracy said that he's going to do what he has to do.
Howard took a call from the guys who were playing some Blue Iris audio clips. They had her rubbing her boobs and moaning but Tracy said that sex doesn't mean much to him now, money does. He said he's 38 years old and he stopped thinking with his dick. He said you have to grow up some day and that's what he did.
Howard asked Tracy if he heard from any of his show business friends when he got arrested. He said he doesn't expect them to, he has his own friends that do call. Howard asked him about his childhood and what it was like growing up. Tracy said that he had someone in his neighborhood write on the top of his Infiniti ''Tracy Morgan is Gay'' so he wrote ''Suck my dick motherfucker'' on it himself.
Tracy also told Howard that his kids were home schooled and that meant that they got to travel with him and got to know him very well. He went on to talk about how in the end, he just wants to be on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and sticking his hands in cement. He was asking Howard to give him some production deal so he can make some movies. He said that he's got some ideas for movies. Howard told him to write a script and he'd look at it. Tracy told him to come up with the dough first.
Artie said that he was out at the Hollywood Hotel with Tracy and they saw this guy and a chick fucking out by the pool. Tracy said it was so hot that he went to his room and beat his dick like it owed him money (uh oh, there's Bob Levy's joke again). Artie said that Tracy had his whole posse with him that night and they were all checking out the couple having sex. He said that they were just going at it right there by the pool. Artie said it was nice to see Tracy out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Brother Wease up in Rochester was talking smack about Howard. Howard said that every DJ in America talks smack about him. They didn't care about that so Howard got back to Tracy and asked him some more about his drinking. Tracy said that he's hit the bottom already and he's not going back there again. He said he's gotten into some other trouble in his life too. Howard asked him what it's going to take for him to go back to jail. Tracy said he gets one more shot, if he drinks again, they give him another 90 days with the bracelet. Then he goes to jail if he gets busted again. Tracy said he's not trying to be the poster boy for DUI or anything.
Howard took a call from a cop who said he gave Tracy a pass when he pulled him over one time. He said that Tracy was very respectful and didn't jerk him around so he let him off. Tracy remembered getting pulled over that time.
Howard took a call from Gay Ramone who asked if Tracy has ever had his asshole eaten out. Tracy said he's had a chick do that to him but not this guy. Gay Ramone said that he'd do it to him. Tracy said that's when you know you're A-list when a guy like that says he'll eat your ass out. Artie said that's ''Gay-list, not A-list.''
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach called in and said he's gotten 8 DUIs and he's got a Breathalyzer on his car that won't let him start the car without blowing into it first.
Howard asked Tracy who he'd really like to meet. He said that Beetlejuice is one guy he'd like to meet in person. He said that he'd also like to meet Michael Jackson. Tracy said that he met Muhammad Ali one time and that was cool. Artie joked that Ali thought he was at the Tracy Ullman show, not the Tracy Morgan show.
Howard started to wrap up with Tracy but then he found out some stuff about his family and kept it going for a short time. Tracy said that he lost his father in 1987 and he had been using drugs and got AIDS from sharing needles. Tracy also said that he's seen people killed before. He said that he saw people throw refrigerators off roofs and stuff like that. He said they do that to have fun. He also found out that Tracy's brother has Cerebral Palsy but he's got 11 kids. Howard said he went to a CP center to help out one time and ended up running away.
Howard said he knows that Tracy will sell out at Caroline's. He gave him some plugs for that and went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that on August 10th they have something very big happening. He said that's when Rush Hour 3 is opening. He had to do a commercial in the middle of all of that talk up. He then had the guys bring in The Iron Sheik. Sheik came in and said it was a pleasure to be there today. He thanked Howard for inviting him in. Howard had him put on his headphones so he could hear what was going on and then told him how his grandfather worshiped the Iron Sheik. He said he'd be so proud of him if he knew he got to meet him.
Howard said that this is two legends meeting this morning. Sheik told Howard about this medal he brought in with him. He wanted him to read it so Howard read it and it was something from 1971. He said that he came over to this country back then after being the Shah of Iran's body guard.
Howard asked Sheik who discovered him here in the States. He said it was Vince McMahon. Howard said he thinks that Vince McMahon has forgotten about Sheik and wondered if he's still on the payroll. Sheik told him that's a great question. He then started getting worked up and telling Howard that he sold out shows in Pontiac, Michigan and things like that. Then Howard asked him about Hulk Hogan and why he's still involved with wrestling. Sheik said he should be there right along with Hulk. He said that Hulk was a weight lifter and he told people not to use drugs so he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Sheik was all over the place talking about the wrestling stuff and calling people fags. He said that Hulk is a fag to him. He said that someone asked him to break Hulk's legs one time but he didn't do it because he's twice the man that he is. He said that he's not jealous of Hulk's money but he does get pissed off when he thinks back to the days when he was acting like a phony. He said that hulk told him he ''owed him one'' one time but never did anything for him.
Howard was trying to get Sheik all worked up asking him why he's not part of the wrestling scene now. He used to be huge in the wrestling scene and now he's been forgotten. Sheik said that's true and went off on Hulk again. He said that he's a gold digger. He explained how he had left the WWE and went to other wrestling leagues.
Howard told Sheik that they found this new guy Iron Sheik Jr. (Artie) so he put him on the mic and let Artie try to get Sheik worked up. Artie did his impression of Sheik and went off on him as if he were the real Sheik. Sheik started to go off on him like battling Sheiks. Artie was talking over him and not letting him get a word in. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. was getting $2 million from Vince McMahon to do his thing. Sheik told Artie to come in and show himself if he's man enough. He told him he was going to fuck his ass and break his back to make him humble.
Sheik told Sheik Jr. That talk is cheap and he should show himself. Howard had to get rid of Artie to calm everyone down. Sheik was out of breath from yelling. He said he was all excited over that and that's why he was all out of breath. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. Had been signed on for $2 million and that was just wrong. Sheik asked for a cold beer and said that the guy got him all excited and if he was there, he'd put him in the camel clutch and fuck him in the ass. He said he'd do that to humble him.
Artie had been out of the studio so when he came back in Howard told Artie what had just gone on. Sheik kind of knew that it was him so he told him he'd fuck his fat ass if he fucked with him. He told him not to fuck with him because he's heard about him. He said that Artie might be bad but he's the master of the bad.
Howard told Sheik that he had Ultimate Warrior live via satellite for him. It was actually Richard Christy doing an impression of Ultimate Warrior. He told Sheik that he'd beat his ass. That got Sheik all worked up again and he was telling Warrior that he was a faggot for shaving his chest. He was ready to wrestle the guy but Howard got rid of him and said ''fuck that guy'' and moved on to the next guy.
Howard said they had Randy ''Macho Man'' Savage live via satellite as well. Sheik went off on him before they even put him up. Sheik called him a cheap, Jew, son of a bitch. Sal was playing the part of Randy and called Sheik some names and told him he was ready to wrestle him. Sheik told him he was a Jew son of a bitch a few times and yelled at him for a couple of minutes. Sal was throwing out as many racist comments as he could. He also whipped out his cock and put it next to a picture of Sheik. That pissed him off even more.
Howard let ''Randy'' go and talked to Sheik about what a great performer he is. Sheik told him he's right and he should have been treated that way. He's broke now though. Howard asked him about Andre the Giant. Sheik said he was a piece of shit too. He went off on him for a short time calling him names and goofing on him.
Howard had Bubba the Love Sponge come in because he was going to be playing today. Bubba came in and said that he was hearing all of this bullshit from Sheik and he thinks that he's just a self-promotion machine. He said that Hogan isn't a faggot and he's a very smart man who made a lot of money doing what he did. He started to argue with some of the things that Sheik was claiming and was ready to start wrestling him. Sheik was ready to take him on but Howard told them they weren't going to do that.
Bubba was saying that Sheik never won an Olympic gold medal like he claimed, he had some other kind of gold medal. Bubba was also calling him out on some other things that he claimed. He said that Sheik is just a ''jobber'' and wasn't impressed by that. The two of them went off on each other calling each other names. Sheik was telling Bubba he was a fat, ugly piece of shit... and of course a ''faggot.''
Bubba said he was sorry to Howard but didn't apologize to Sheik at all. Howard wanted to settle everything with Anal Ring Toss. Bubba said that he and Sheik had some good heat going on between them. Howard tried to calm Sheik down and brought in the hot chick that was going to have the stick in her ass.
AJ came in and seemed to calm the savage beast that is Iron Sheik. He stayed calm for about 5 seconds before Howard told him they had The Killer Bees live via satellite. They had Sal and Richard on again trying to get Sheik all riled up again. It worked. They had him yelling at them within seconds. Howard got rid of them and Bubba said that he was going to see them down in Tampa, just to make Sheik even more pissed off.
Howard said that Sheik is making some appearances at various places around the area. He said you can book him though his manager at ESSPromotions.com. You can also find out more at SheikShow.com.
Howard talked to AJ a little more and said you can find out more about Anal Ring Toss at AnalRingToss.com or buy AJ's movies at ChesterMolestHer.com. He also said that they have Clips4Sale.com as the sponsor of this event.
Howard calmed everyone down in the room and had AJ prepare for the game. She laid down on the floor with the stick up her ass that the guys were going to toss the rings on. AJ was 20 years old and has some porn movies coming out that can be found at the web site Howard mentioned earlier. AJ said she wasn't raped or molested as a child or anything like that. She said her parents aren't too thrilled with what she does for a living though.
Howard had Artie go first. He said that it was much further than it was at K-Rock so it wasn't going to be easy. Artie, the Lord of the Anal Rings, threw his rings and missed all five. Howard asked AJ if she does this stuff much. She said she does it quite a bit at bachelor parties.
Bubba went next and threw his rings. He missed all five and Sheik called him names while he was missing. Sheik was up next. He started throwing his rings and missed all five. Howard asked him what happened there. Sheik said that he'd like to try one more time. Howard said they were going to have another round since no one got any.
Howard had Sheik go first. Sheik had the chance to win $2,500 if he had gotten any on. He had only 3 this time and missed all of them. Bubba was up next. He threw and missed all three as well. AJ was having some trouble staying in position since it was so uncomfortable. Artie went next and missed all three as well.
They had to do yet another round so they moved everyone even closer to AJ. Sheik went first and got all three since he was so close. Howard gave him the prize money since he needed it so much. Howard wanted to end the event but Artie wanted to defend his Lord of the Anal Rings title. He threw his rings and got one of the three on.
AJ was able to remove the stick from her ass so Howard was going to talk to her a little more. He asked her about her movies and found out that her new movie is called ''AJ the SoCal BroHo.'' She explained what that was about and it didn't make a lot of sense. Will told Howard that she wanted to ride the Sybian too. Howard had the guys prepare it so she could take it for a ride. AJ got on and took it for a ride. She was kind of nervous about it. Howard said that this machine is guaranteed to give a woman an orgasm.
Gary started out low and slowly turned up the power. AJ said it felt really good even though it tickled. Gary jacked it up slowly and AJ said she was getting horny. She said that it was pretty cool. Sheik said he was getting horny too. AJ said it still felt pretty good but she wasn't finishing. She told Howard it was crazy. They eventually stopped the machine since she wasn't getting off. She said it felt really good but she didn't have an orgasm.
Howard thanked AJ for coming in and wrapped up with her. He gave her some plugs for the web sites that she was plugging. He also thanked the Iron Sheik for coming in and Bubba as well. He had the two of them shaking hands before they went to break.
Howard said that when you see Sal whipping his cock out it's shocking. No one believes that it's his real cock but they know that it is. Bubba said that Artie was losing his beard during the phony satellite segment but it didn't slow him down. They had some fun with that stuff and Bubba said there was a lot of visual stuff going on there too.
Howard gave The Iron Sheik some more plugs since he didn't think he'd done a good enough job. He did that and said that Bubba was going to sit in for the Gossip Game. He took a call from Tabitha Stevens and mentioned that her Cribs show on Howard TV is one of the most watched shows right now. She said that she peed and masturbated on camera during the shoot. Howard thanked her for that and let her go.
Howard had Brent from Bubba's show sitting in as well so both of them were going to play the Gossip Game. Bubba told Howard a story about this chick Stormy Daniels who claims that she and Dave Navarro went into a closet at the Playboy mansion. She claims that he fingered his own asshole while beating off and may have eaten his load. Howard said that's the last thing he'd do and have a girl still interested in him. Bubba said that actually turned her on after she thought about it for a while.
Howard asked Brent what he thinks about what he thinks about Barack Obama wanting to invade Pakistan. Brent said he thinks that's what they need to do. They spent a few minutes on that subject. Brent also had some thoughts on John Edwards and why he might be the right man for the job.
Robin pointed out that Brent is looking really good these days. Brent said that he lost weight doing Mixed Martial Arts. He's doing his first fight on Saturday. Brent said it's an amateur fight Saturday night at 6. He said he's ready to fight and the guys at the gym are the guys who told him he was ready.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone and he said that he was sorry that those guys had to sit in on his ''fruity'' game today. Howard called it that earlier. Artie threw out the story about Beth throwing a party when Howard dies to get in a little dig at Robin. She told him to stop it.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Artie said that Akira called him a few weeks back and told him she was coming to New York. He wondered if they were pushing her into going out with him. Bubba said that she's not dating anyone but she'll fuck anyone that he tells her to. Artie said that's not cool and he doesn't want a chick fucking him just because Bubba says so.
Artie said that Akira claimed that she was on her way to New York and it had nothing to do with Bubba's show. Artie asked if Spice Boy would be mad if he fucked her. Bubba said he can ask him himself because he's there. Spice Boy came in and said that he's back to being single now and he doesn't care if Artie fucks her or not. He said that he probably has the power to tell her to fuck him or not if he wanted to. Artie said that he believes that. He said he still doesn't know why she's calling him then.
Spice Boy said that he won't fuck Akira anymore if Artie does. He said ''no offense'' to him when he said that. Bubba told Howard that Akira isn't a porn star, she's just their ''show whore'' who fucks a lot of dudes on the show. He said that she does a lot of that stuff for them.
Spice Boy said he was really fine with it if Artie fucked Akira. He was going to fuck her for Bubba's show tonight but that doesn't have to happen. Bubba said that Akira came to him and said that she really liked him but she wanted to know if it would be a problem if she went out with him. Bubba said he's fine with that.
Shuli mentioned this web site SaveRalph.com that was started to try and save Ralph from being kicked off the show. Howard said he went on that site and there were about 4 people signed up to save him. Howard had some audio Spice Boy fucking Akira and then took a call from Ralph who said that he was on that Save Ralph site and there are still only 4 names there.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said that he does have a place to live. He's getting help from his friends and he's not pulling an Elliot Offen move and he's doing this stuff like a man. Shuli said that he took a call from Eric last night and he told him he was being a man and doing the right thing. Meanwhile, he's packing up his stuff and getting evicted.
Shuli mentioned that they have a story about Riley Martin and his new lawyer. He's refusing to talk to Howard 100 News and telling them to contact his lawyer. He doesn't have any contact information for that person though.
Howard asked Jon Hein what they had coming up today on the Wrap Up Show. Jon said they'll be discussing the Iron Sheik and all that went on with him today. He said they'll also talk about the Anal Ring Toss game. Jon said they'll talk about Tracy Morgan's visit and how he used the ''beat my dick like it owes me money'' joke. Artie said they should get Bob Levy on the phone to ask him if he's pissed about that.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to give a preview of tonight's Superfan Roundtable. They'll be going over the Ralph thing and beating that into the ground. He said they have a bunch of other little topics that they'll be covering tonight as well. Mutt said they're also going to try a segment where they just take calls without a subject. Howard thanked him for that and had Robin start her news.
Hanzy called in and told Howard that he was thinking that an Iron Sheik show would be a lot of fun. He also asked Artie if he's going to come up to Toronto. He said he hasn't been up there since 1997 or so and he's not sure if he's going up there or not. He said they do have some great strip clubs up there though. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
The guys ended up talking a little bit about Iron Sheik's visit and Artie pointed out that almost all of Sal's jokes were racial slurs when he was doing his characters during that segment. He said that Sal was funny, but everything was racist.
The guys spent some time talking about Whoopi Goldberg joining ''The View.'' Howard said he really doesn't have a beef with her even though some people think he does. He said he's not sure she's the right person for that job though. He said she's too nice these days and the good thing about Rosie O'Donnell on that show is that she was mixing things up. Artie ended up going off on Elisabeth Hasselbeck after Robin brought her up in a news story. He said that no one should care about what she thinks, she's married to a shitty quarterback and anything she says means nothing.
Robin read through the rest of her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard and the guys all told their sides of the story and what was going on that night. They talked about how much Fred had been drinking that night. He managed to wander upstairs in the club after having about 16 drinks while sitting down in this one area.
Fred didn't remember that night because he had so much to drink. At one point he vomited and hit Howard. Howard had a change of clothes in his limo so he had Ronnie get those for him. Howard then says that Fred was making out with Gay Rich at one point during the night. Gay Rich came in and said it wasn't like that at all. Some people thought he was actually making out but others said that Rich was just on his lap.
Howard was accusing Fred of being a bi-sexual but Fred thought that Rich was just taking advantage of him that night. Rich said he was just comforting Fred when he was sitting on his lap and stroking his face. Howard said he saw Fred push Rich off his lap and then get up. He starts to walk and then Ronnie tries to help him get to the bathroom because he was about to puke. As they're going down the stairs, Fred falls flat on his face down five steps. Everyone started screaming and people thought he was dead. He was so out of it he wasn't moving and people really thought he had died.
Howard said this one girl pushes her way to Fred, she's a paramedic and she tries to help him out. She's wearing a bikini top and mini-skirt so Dominic lifts up her dress and jokes around while Fred is bleeding on the floor. Ralph says that they don't need an ambulance because he's afraid that the party is going to end. Howard said they had to get one so they called 911.
Howard got a hold of the 911 tape and played that. Howard ended up yelling at Gary for some of the things he said during that call. He didn't know that Fred was bleeding even though there was blood on the floor. Gary was yelling at Howard and Robin to shut up during that discussion. He couldn't get a word in and tried to shut them up. Howard asked for the Gary Puppet to come in so Fred picked him up and started doing his impression of Gary for a few seconds.
Howard replayed the 911 call and goofed on Gary even more. He said it was amazing that they got anyone to show up after that call. Gary thought that Fred was conscious but he actually wasn't. Gary got mad at Howard for goofing on him about the call and left the studio. They wrapped up this discussion a short time later.
Howard started off the show wondering why everything sounded different. He thought he sounded like he was under water. He asked what was going on and everyone thought everything sounded muffled in some way. Robin said she had to turn up her radio because it did sound weird. Scott the Engineer came in and said no one said anything to him so he had no idea what was going on.
Howard sang to Scott right along with his opening theme song. He said the people at home might not hear it but he heard it in his headphones. Scott said that it sounded okay over the radio. Jackie said that he turned up the volume on Scott's headphones and he had no idea why that happened. Scott said he knew why and turned it down himself.
Howard asked Gary to check into everything and find out who changed something. He said he didn't have anything better to talk about this morning.
Howard and Fred went back and forth talking about the wife and how she may have been under stress during that call she made. Fred's wife said that if it was Howard who had fallen on the floor that he would have been treated differently. Howard didn't think that was right to say something like that because he and Fred have no feelings like that toward each other.
Howard said that Fred actually looks kind of good with the stitches in his chin. He said it looks better than that stubbly beard that he had. Howard explained the accident that Fred had at his bachelor party where he fell down some stairs and split his chin open. He said he thinks that Fred's beard may have broken his fall that night.
Howard said he wanted to analyze Fred's princess today. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard a caller was on the line with a prank call he made to the Mother Angelica show. Howard had the guy play the call where he threw out Howard's name and then had Mother Angelica go off on him for making the call. She called him evil and said she felt sorry for him. Howard talked a little bit about Mother Angelica and what a strange woman she was. He then went to break.
Howard took a call from a woman who had some thoughts on the OJ Simpson case. She said that the L.A. Police department has psychics on the force and she thinks that they should be using them instead of having OJ spend millions on lawyers. Howard told the woman that there is no such thing as a psychic. He asked her if she believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny too.
The woman said that OJ should be using a psychic to help him out with his case. She thinks that the police could bring in psychics to figure out what happened. Howard told the woman that he's a psychic and told her that he predicts that today she's stupider than she was the day before. She just rolled with it and kept telling Howard that the police use psychics successfully very often. Howard said OJ could agree to take Sodium Pentathol today and if he's not guilty, they could find out that way. He hung up on the woman because she wouldn't stop talking about the psychics.
Howard said that there are a lot of kooks out there like that. He gave some statoistics on what people think about this OJ case and there are a lot of people who think he could be innocent even though he has a history of abuse. He and Robin spent a short time on that before they moved on.
Howard said that after the bachelor party discussion, Fred's wife called in and had some things to say about how he was treated. Howard said that Fred was at a .3 blood alcohol level and wondered if Jackie had ever been that drunk. Jackie said he's pretty sure he's never been that drunk.
Howard talked to Fred about some of the stuff he did at that bachelor party and how wild it was to him. He said he wanted to leave Fred and Gay Rich alone because they were getting so intimate with each other. Howard thinks that Fred would have gone for it if Gay Rich had gone in for a major kiss with him. He was drinking a ton of tequila so maybe that's what started to turn him gay. Howard said they might have to outlaw tequila if it turns you gay. He joked that Fred was going around the city and breaking all the tequila bottles he could.
Howard also said that maybe Fred realized what he was doing with Rich and he was actually throwing himself down the stairs as a suicide attempt. Fred said that Howard doesn't drink so he doesn't know how that stuff can work on him.
Howard said that Fred's bachelor party was the best ever and no one can ever top it, even Ross Zapin. He said he had to take a break but pointed out that Fred's chin is healing very quickly. Jackie said that the band-aids on his chin looked better than the beard he had on there. Howard asked Fred if he was self conscious about them being on there and he didn't really mind them at all.
Howard got to the tape of Fred's wife where she goes off on Howard for not helping Fred quicker than they did that night. She said that if it was Howard, they would have rushed to get him help faster than they did with Fred. Howard went on to talk about how he and Fred have always had a nice relationship. He decided to throw the bachelor party for him and that's what he did. He said he told Fred to stay single because this is already turning into a nightmare.
Howard said he now understands why he went to Gay Rich, he doesn't have to explain anything to him. He got back to the tape from when Allison called into the show and went off on him. He wanted to get to the part where she goes off on him. He replayed that and told Fred that love is blind when Fred tried to defend her.
Howard said that Ralph told him that after the party he was walking home but passed out on the street drunk. The cops came and told him he couldn't lay there, he had to sit up. Ralph said that he just needed to sit down so he did that and then laid down when he felt like putting his head down. He fell asleep so the cops came by and told him to sit up. Ralph said he'd taken his shirt off too because it was so hot out.
Howard said that everyone saw Ralph out there too. Gary came in and said that his wife saw Fred sitting there on the sidewalk looking like a homeless guy. Ralph said one of the interns also saw him out there and asked if that was him laying in the street. Howard thanked him for the story and told him to go lay out in the hall. He went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Kenneth if he ever sent his video tapes to his mom. He wasn't sure and she said she didn't think she'd ever seen them. Ken was acting his usual odd self but his mom was laughing at him. She said that he's her only child and that he was quite a handful. She said that he was enough for her to take care of so that was it.
Howard asked Kenneth if he's ever been tested for intelligence. Ken said he hopes that he's actually more intelligent than most people and that's why he's so weird. Mrs. Kallenbach said she's never had him tested for intelligence. Robin said that might be best. Mrs. Kallenbach said that Ken was good in school. Ken said he got ''Straight B's.'' He said there was some talk of going to college but he never did go.
Mrs. Kallenbach seemed like a regular, intelligent, person to him. He couldn't figure out what happened with Ken. He asked her if she ever tried to straighten Ken out by telling him to get a real job or something. Ken was acting all dopey so Howard told him that if he had done that, his father would have pulled him aside and told him to straighten up.
Ken has a girlfriend and moved out of the house so Howard figured that was nice for Mrs. Kallenbach. Howard told Ken to tell his mom how pathetic his sex life is. He didn't get too into it though. Howard asked Ken if he ever kisses his mom. He said tis' not that kind of relationship. His mom said he does that once in a while though. Ken said she knows that he loves her.
Howard told Ken to tell his mom about the chicks that he did have sex with. Ken said that he did have sex with chicks who weren't all that hot. He wouldn't look at his mom while he was talking about that stuff. Ken didn't think it was a big deal but Howard pointed it out and asked Mrs. Kallenbach what she thought about that. She said that he does show affection sometimes.
Steve Grillo came in and told Howard that Ken and his girlfriend went to a sex club one night. Ken said it was a phony place and it was no big deal. He said that his girlfriend wanted to get out of there. They had some fun there and it was kind of exciting.
Howard played some tapes of Ken doing some audition tapes trying to get a job there at K-Rock. He did some goofy song intros but tried to imitate regular DJs. Howard said that Kenneth is always going to be Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and it would be hard to pull off a job like that. Ken said that he can act and could go in and get a corporate job if he had to. He even demonstrated how he'd talk to someone interviewing him and said ''Hey, what's up?''
Howard asked Mrs. Kallenbach why she came up with Ken. She said that Ken just wanted her to meet everyone up there. Kenneth asked Howard how what he does is different than what he's doing in his audition tape. Howard played more of his audition tape and asked him if he thinks that really sounds like him. Ken said he meant just being in the entertainment business. Howard told him he's not in the entertainment business. He wrapped up with the two of them a short time later.
Howard called Jim a big star as he was coming in. He talked to him about how he's the biggest star out of the whole group on In Living Color. He said that Jim was like the only white guy on the show and he was made to dance at the end of the show each week and it was never real dancing. He'd always do something kind of goofy. He said that all of those guys who did concentrate on dancing aren't even in comedy anymore.
Jim said that he didn't get any sleep last night and he never does when he's going to do this show. He said he rented an adult movie to try and take the edge off last night. Howard said he had learned a lot about Jim and found out he was hired to do this movie ''Ace Ventura'' which probably had a horrible script. He said Jim took that movie and did it for like $400,000. He said that's about the going rate for first movies. He told Jim that he did great in that movie. He didn't think that it was going to be a hit and figured it was going to flop. He said he rented it and said he laughed his ass off though.
Howard gave the movie to his father and told him he had to see it. His father even said that the guy is funny. He took a bad movie and made it good. That's why he got paid $7 million to do his next movie. He told Jim that it wasn't the director that made that movie good, it was him. Jim eventually caved in and took credit for it. Howard thought that Jim wasn't signed on to do a sequel but Jim said that he was. He said he had to renegotiate the contract though.
Howard said that what's going to happen now is that he's going to get all kinds of movies, even serious ones. He told Jim that he can see him doing Forrest Gump and things like that. Robin told Howard that he's going to be in Batman 3 so Howard told him to be careful with that. He said he's afraid that they don't know what they're doing with the Batman character and they could screw it up.
Howard talked about Jim doing this movie ''Dumb and Dumber'' and that he didn't get paid all that much to do it. They had to pay him a lot more money than they thought they were going to when they asked him to do it. They thought they had him for about a million but it turned out to be 7.
Howard asked Jim about his marriage and divorce. Jim joked that he looked over at her ass one morning and said he wanted one more hairy. Howard asked him about this piece of ass that he's dating now. No one could remember her name though. It was Lauren Holly.
Howard read a story about Jim dating Lauren and then asked him how that all came about. He found out that Jim was still in the middle of his divorce and they have a kid. He might lose some of that big money he was making too. Jim said that he's very hard to live with because he has a lot of baggage. Howard wondered what kind of baggage he had but Jim was cracking jokes and not talking about that stuff.
Howard told Jim that he's going to get laid a lot now that he's become this big star. He tried to find out if he got laid a lot when he was young. Jim kept joking around so Howard had to dig a little more. He found out that Jim got married very young so he wasn't getting a lot of chicks.
Howard asked Jim what voice he was going to use for the Riddler in this Batman movie. Jim said he can't do it because the movie company would come down on him. Howard said he could do those kind of voices and did a demonstration for Jim that didn't seem to impress.
Robin said she thinks that Jim's marriage came to an end over Jim taking out the garbage. Howard said he can see that happening. He said you can't ask a big star to take out the trash. He spent a few more minutes talking about that and about the last time Jim was on the show. He said that the last time he was on they kept him waiting an hour and rushed him out after a short interview.
Howard asked Jim about his manager, who is actually Dennis Miller's brother, and said he'll probably dump him soon. He jokingly said that Dennis Miller's sister is Jim's maid and Dennis will be his driver as soon as HBO dumps him.
Howard had Jim's manager come in the studio so he could talk to him about Jim's career. Howard asked him why his brother has such a bug up his ass over him. He doesn't think that's the case. Howard said that the last time Jim Carrey was there no one even wanted to talk to him. Now he's a big star and everyone wants him and Jim will eventually say goodbye to Jimmy Miller.
Howard gave Jim a plug for ''The Mask'' which was coming out on Friday. He asked him about the other movies that he's working on and found out he's doing nothing right now. He will be working on Batman soon though. He said they're going to be doing that out in Long Beach at the Warner Brothers set. Gary told Howard that they only had about 12 minutes left with him because he had to go do other interviews.
Gary told Howard that there's a crowd building outside the building there this morning. He said the crowd was almost as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger's was last week. Howard asked to smell Jim's hand because of all of the women he'd had. Howard smelled smoke when he took a whiff of his hand. He talked to him about Lauren Holly and asked him if his plan is to screw every one of his co-stars.
Howard talked to Jim about the deal he has for this Batman movie and found out he has a back-end deal. He'll also have the money from the action figures they sell with his face on them. Howard said that Jim also has this new song out where he's doing this ''Cuban Pete'' character for ''The Mask.'' He played that song and found out it's number 30 on the charts. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard and Robin also talked a little bit about Jim Carrey's visit before Robin got into her news stories. Howard took a call from a 12 year old kid during the news. The kid had written a song about OJ Simpson. He sang the one song for Howard and then sang a second one to the tune of the Mary Tyler Moore theme song. Howard said this kid made more sense than most of the adults who are interviewed about OJ. Howard wished the kid ''Happy Puberty'' and let him go.
Robin continued to read through her news and Howard ended the show around 10:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).