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Howard was back live this morning. He started the show talking about being back live. Howard said everyone was asking when they were coming back. Robin asked when he does work. Howard said they work today and tomorrow. He said it's a big week.
Howard said he was off yesterday because he was flying back from Austin Texas. Howard said they had the South by Southwest (SXSW) thing going on down there. Howard said he calls it the bad music festival.
Howard said he got down to Austin and thought the radio was on in the hotel room. He said he was going to turn it off but it turns out the music was coming from right outside the window. Howard said there are bands all over the place. He said that there were bands right under his window doing a sound check. He said the hotel manager asked if he was insane when he asked how long that was going to go on. He said he recorded it with his iPhone. He said this is what it sounds like. He played the audio clip from his iPhone. It sounded like it was in his room.
Howard said he wanted to lay down and they offered to put him on the 8th floor. He said that the place was packed with record company execs so they want you to know they're there. Howard said this is like everything on the periphery of SXSW. He said they told him that they have to shut down by 8:30 at night but he wanted to lay down then. Howard said this guy is acting like he's the only one who noticed this. Howard said they think that everyone is there for the festival.
Howard said he knows he's an old fart now but he can't be the only one who didn't want to hear that the whole time. Howard said the manager said he'd try to find another room on the other side of the building. Howard said NBC got him the suite so he held on to that and went to the other room to lay down. Howard said he would go there to sleep and go to the suite to get changed. Howard said it was insane. He said they worked things out for him there at the Four Seasons. He said that was the worst weekend to do a taping. He said that noise was outside his window.
Howard said he waited until 8:30 and then the live music stops and the DJs take over. He said that music was a little better but still as loud. Howard said across the river there they had a venue that's allowed to play louder and later. He said the music was coming from across there. He said it was insane. Howard said he needs quiet when he sleeps so he can be fresh for his job. Howard said the hotel was packed so he didn't have a lot of choice in the rooms.
Howard said he ran into Danny Bush down there. He said he saw Downtown Julie Brown and Suze Orman. He said that he had no idea who she was. He said she came up to him saying ''Hi Howard!'' He said he walked by and Toni told him who it was. Howard said he didn't even know what she does. Howard said he thought she was a financial person. He said that she tells people how to manage their money. Howard said he said hello to her. He said she's consumed with money because she said that he makes more than she does. Howard said she must be going by what she reads in the paper. Howard said even his kids think he's a billionaire after reading the paper.
Howard said Bob Lefsetz was writing about the entertainment business and how bands like U2 make money. Howard said that they make good money out on the road but the record companies laugh at that. Howard said the execs are getting rich while the bands are out trying to make it and scraping by.
Howard said he can't even get his bonus. He said the company laughs at him and tells him to go ahead and sue. He said that they tell him he's going to get pennies on the dollars.
Howard said he saw that Oprah fired Rosie O'Donnell. Howard said Oprah is really screwing up that network. Howard said that he saw Rosie is going to get her contract paid off. Howard said what they did for Sirius is amazing. Howard said they made them number one and forced a merger with the leading company. He said when he asked for his bonus they just said no and they think they're the ones who did it. He said they're a bunch of fucks. Howard said that's when the artist gets screwed.
Howard said they're a corporation and they have no gratitude. Howard said he's not a real partner. He said they think he's an asshole. Howard said that's what they do. Howard said he's been doing this his whole fucking career. He said they think they caused the merger. Howard said they would have had nothing without him. He said he's just their dog. Howard said meanwhile he was stuck in his hotel room listening to that music over the weekend. He played that clip from his phone again. Howard said he can't stand bands like that anymore. He said when he was younger he looked up to them but not anymore. He's getting old and he just wants them to go out and get a job.
Howard played some audio of Steven Tyler talking about Aerosmith and how they have a new song out but he's not sure what the band is going to be doing when they tour. Howard said being a rock star used to be so cool. He said now the whole business is a disaster. He said the record company guys look like they want to go kill themselves these days. Howard said Danny Bush is always happy though. He said that guy was saying they both look great but Howard said he looks in the mirror and doesn't see great. Howard said Danny is a survivor though.
Howard said OWN canceled Rosie's show. He said she didn't carry the whole network on her back so they let her go. Howard said those are miracles that happen once in a while. Howard said they had their own miracles that happened there.
The caller asked Howard what he did in his hotel room. Howard said he went from his room to the dining room to eat. He said Ralph was there and so was Gary. Howard said Gary stayed for all four tapings. Howard said Gary and his brother were both there. Gary said it's so much fun and Howard is so good at it.
Howard said that he is the judge that everyone agrees with. He said he went around with a camera to ask people if he is. Howard said that's what they found out. Gary said that Sharon was so irritated by that.
Howard said he went into the lounge and asked people if they agreed with him and they do. Howard said America agrees with him. Gary said that it's addictive to try and figure out what everyone is going to say. Howard said he thinks this is going to be a great season.
Robin asked if there was good talent down there. Howard said they had a lot of good talent down there in Austin. Gary said they had one of those amazing revelation moments down there.
The caller told the guys about some of the stuff the Stern Fans were doing there at the tapings. He said that they were yelling out to Ronnie, Ralph and Gary. The caller said there was one moment when it was quiet so he yelled out ''Mayday, mayday!'' and Sharon looked back to see what the fuck was going on. Howard said that Sharon has no idea what that is. Gary said a lot of guys were doing Crackhead Bob impressions. Robin asked if he was there. Howard said he wasn't. Gary said he lives in the Dallas area.
Howard said you have to look at having a kid as contributing to the world. He said that you're responsible for bringing someone into the world to make the world better. He said that's very challenging. Robin said most people aren't following that mission. Howard said our whole reason for being there is to train those people to take over. Howard said you have to teach them to fly away from home and leave the nest.
Howard said there are parents going bankrupt because their kids won't leave the nest. Howard said they can't afford to keep them at home. Howard said that these are not rich people. Howard said the parents won't use tough love and tell them to leave.
Gary asked Howard how you tell the kids to leave if they can't find a job. Howard said you have to help them get out there. Howard said the kids should want to get out of the house no matter what. He said they're too comfortable at home. Howard said the kid must not feel good about themselves if they're stuck at home. Howard said the story of all our lives is taking a first job and then moving on and getting better and better. Howard said you have battle scars and when you don't have that you have nothing.
Howard said if you don't get the kid out of the house you're letting them suffer. He said you're not doing them a favor by keeping them at home.
John said that he and his wife are in the home stretch now. Robin said that they're just getting ready to start actually. Howard said that there are some parents out there who don't understand the mission. Robin said that no one understands the mission based on what Howard just said. Howard said Gary and Mary do. He said Fred and Alison do too. Howard said this parenting thing is a big test. He said that it's a test of emotional stability and more. He said you can't bring your shit to that kid and you have to let them fly on their own and figure things out on their own. He said you have to help them get out of the nest when the time comes.
Robin said she couldn't wait to get out of the house. Howard said what her dad did to her was helpful. Howard said he was just kidding about that. Howard said she would have been dead or insane if she hadn't left the nest.
Howard said that divorce can come from differing styles in parenting. Howard said when you pick a mate they look at the wrong things. Howard said that you have to look at the way they're going to parent. He said it's not all about looks and that stuff. Howard said this caller should want to jump out the window at this point. John said he has one foot out. Howard let him go a short time later.
The caller said that the guy who warms up the audience was good too. Howard said that guy, Corey, is really good and you don't' even know that stuff is going on. He said he warms up the audience. Howard said it's overwhelming the task of putting this thing together.
Howard said he was in a car down there and that's a whole other thing. Howard said he was in the car and he saw that they had SiriusXM in the car. Howard said this guy was in Texas and listening to them in New York. Howard said he thinks about how complicated that whole thing is. Then he thinks about the TV show and how complicated it is. Howard said it's a shame more people don't watch it. He said these people work hard and they do it well.
The caller mentioned one of the acts down there but Howard said he's been told not to talk about any of that. Howard said they get into a lot of arguments about the acts. He said that Vegas week is going to be really bad.
Howard and the caller spent another few seconds talking about the tapings down there. Howard said he's just learning the ropes. The caller said that they had some cool acts down there. He mentioned one kid that was very polite. Howard said that there have been some phenomenal kids. He said they're really good. Howard said he has a believe that you give kids time to grow. He said if they did that to Shirley Temple then she would have been a homeless woman. Howard said they gave her a shot early on.
Robin said people have been sending her video of their kids performing. She doesn't want that. Howard said they think she's going to pass it along to him.
Howard said he got the iPad for the 4G and also for the dictation. He said you can talk to it and tell it what to search for or things like that. Howard said he thinks he'll use that a lot.
Howard said he doesn't care about the video being better because he doesn't really use it for that. Howard said the video on the iPad is for sharing some video with people. He said you don't use it to record major things. Howard said the voice activation is cool. The new screen is cool and the big thing is the 4G.
Howard said if someone is on a strict budget he'd tell them to stick with the iPad 2. Robin said they lowered the price on the older model too. Howard said a report came out and they say that the thing overheats. Howard said he hasn't been on his enough to find out. The caller said one melted. Howard said if you lower the brightness on the screen it might cut back the heat. Howard said they say that you can do that but you want your screen bright. Howard said he hasn't detected that issue.
The caller was also asking about Ronnie calling into a radio show on Bubba's channel. Howard said that Ronnie can do that when he's got some down time. Ronnie came in and said he did it on Thursday when he had some time. He said they do a show on RadioIO. Ronnie said he was tweeting and the guys saw him doing that so they told him to call in. He said they told him to call in so he called in. Ronnie said he had fun calling in.
Howard said he's going out to dinner with Bubba soon. The caller said their new studio is really nice from what he's heard. Howard said that Bubba has a dream to have people using his studios. He build a really nice studio down there in Tampa. Howard said they have staging areas and a little beach to hang out at.
Howard said he told Bubba that guys in radio can go belly up. He said that Bubba wants a nice environment but he hopes he's not putting too much into it.
Robin said they're saying that the new iPad gets very hot in the lower left side. Howard said he hasn't used his enough to experience that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Robin's father gave her the middle name of ''Iphelia.'' Howard said that it's actually Ophelia but that is close.
The caller asked why Howard was crying over Bianca last week. Howard said he was hanging out with the dog and he listened to that Macy Gray album and he got emotional. He said he was actually feeling something and he tweeted it out. He said people went off on him for getting sad. Howard asked the caller if he's ever gotten sad over something. He said that guys are allowed to get emotional.
The caller said that Elle Macpherson told him he was an ugly Jew and he didn't do anything to her either. Howard said she didn't call him an ugly Jew. Howard said she said he was acting Jewish when he was asking about that nude photo she has in her house. Howard said that he thought it was stereotyping but that's how she feels. Howard said that he doesn't clobber everyone who comes on the show. Howard said she opened up and it's up to the listener to like them or not.
The caller said that he loves Howard. Howard said he thinks he's turning into a pussy. He was just joking around with the guy. He let him go a short time later.
Howard said his dad is afraid of emotion. He said he had a really tough life so he understands that his brain shut down. Howard said his dad doesn't want to have any sadness in his life. Howard said he thinks he missed out on a lot of things in his life because of that. Howard said in therapy he's trying to be a little less stoic and find out who he really is. Howard said he has a problem with Rush Limbaugh being this Republican shill. Howard said if he'd just open up and talk about his struggles then maybe he'd be way more interesting. Howard said he's not always going to be a hard ass dude. Howard said you have to admit that you felt something and that's way more interesting to him.
Mariann said she wasn't going to fight it. She said she's not sure about that. Mariann said she got a crow put in the tattoo too. Howard said that he likes it. He said the i is wrong though. Howard said he thinks that they could fix that tattoo. Mariann said that maybe she can get it turned into a capital I. Howard said it is a pretty tattoo. Howard wished her good luck with that thing.
Mariann said that she's going to bring a sign to the taping for AGT. She started to sing ''All I need is Howard in my life'' and Howard hung up on her.
Bobo said that he did what he was told to do. Howard said that's right and it just didn't work out. Howard said it dawned on everyone that without him interrupting him it doesn't work. Doug came in and said they've done a bunch since Bobo's and they've all aired. He said that Bobo's just wasn't that good. He said that for Bobo they had maybe 22 questions. With Ronnie they had like 400. He said there wasn't much interest. He said he just has to take it like a man.
Bobo said that the Tracey interview wasn't that interesting. He said she wasn't setting the room on fire. Doug said they had some stuff they could reference to and with Bobo they didn't have that. He said it just didn't work out that way. Doug said that Bobo has conspiracy theories and he's calling people on the staff harassing them. Howard said he's so disappointed. Howard said maybe they should just put it up there. Doug said it's not dead and it will air eventually.
Howard played some of Bobo's interview with Rachel. She asked him about his IQ test and Bobo explained what happened there and how he's done just fine with that low IQ. Fred played some snoring clips as it played.
Howard played another clip where Bobo was talking about why he calls in from the docks. Bobo answered it but Howard said it just kind of fell flat. He said there's nothing really wrong with it.
Howard played another clip where Bobo was trying to think of his favorite Stern Show memory. Bobo said he liked being at one of the birthday shows. Howard said he was just being himself and being himself is boring. Howard said he's not a bad person. He said it's just his personality that's bad.
Howard said that Bobo didn't do anything wrong. He said in order to fill the hole they have a tape they run of just water running. He said they had a choice between the two and that's what they went with. Howard said Bobo has to relax. He said they still like the guy. Howard said if he was going to shoot a special with Bobo he'd have him do a toupee special. He said he'd have all toupee questions. Howard said they could go down to the dock and have a piece of bread on his toupee to see if the birds would pull it off. Robin said they could ask the toupee questions instead of Bobo. Howard said that's a great special. Howard said instead of Bobo talking they could just question the toupee. Doug said they can do that.
Howard said they could do so many things with the toupee. He said he'd watch that in a minute. Howard said they could have the toupee just sitting on a couch and call in an exterminator. Howard said they could take the toupee to a veterinarian's office and say it's sick. Howard said that would be a great special. He said he'd watch it like 50 times. Howard said it would be everything toupee. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was reading the email and someone had a musical question for them. He said someone asked what the name of the Neil Young song was. Howard said that song was ''Mr. Soul'' and it was the acoustic version. Howard said he was listening to the playback the other day and wanted to hear himself keep playing it. Howard said Neil is so great. He played the song again. Howard let it play and said he told one of the contestants to go listen go this song. Howard said he was giving the guy a compliment. He said he wasn't forcing his voice. He said that's like Neil Young. Howard said Neil is a story teller and not really a singer. Howard said this is fucking music right here. He said this is a real musician. Howard said the kid looked at him a little funny. He was only 3 years old.
Howard played more of the song and asked Fred if he knows the lyrics. Fred said he's sure Jason could print them out. Howard said he could probably figure out what the song is about if he read them. Howard said he likes Neil's guitar work too. Howard tried to figure out some of the lyrics. Robin had to correct him on some of what he thought he was saying. Howard said he has no idea what the song is about. Fred said he thinks it's about the music industry.
Howard had Jon Leiberman come in with his news preview. Howard said he heard that Cee Lo Green has that cat he pets all the time and it's not even his cat. He said he hired the cat. Howard said he also heard that Cee Lo was on some show doing an interview with Andy Cohen and Cee Lo was asked about Adam Levine who has a fragrance out. Cee Lo was asked what it should smell like. Cee Lo said it should smell Jewish. The audience laughed at that answer. Howard asked if that's anti-Semitic or not. Robin said she's not sure. She said that she doesn't understand people who only see you for your religion. Howard asked if it's racist or not. Robin and Fred both said it is. Howard asked Jon Leiberman. Jon said he thinks when they don't' have anything better to say they fall back on that. Howard said Cee Lo has probably said that a million times in his life and he thinks that it's okay to say it on TV. Howard said those people were laughing because they were uncomfortable. Howard said that's definitely racist or bigoted or whatever.
Benjy was asked what he thinks and he said he thinks that if he had gone further with the joke it might have been funny. Howard said he can't ask Benjy questions like that.
Jon Leiberman said they have breaking news about Sal Governale revealing his foreskin on Twitter last Friday. He said he's encouraging other men to show their foreskin on Friday for Foreskin Fridays. Jon said that Twitter threatened to shut him down if he doesn't warn people about those photos first.
Howard said he saw that JD was verified. He asked how that happened. Jon said that he must have been nagging them so much that they finally gave in. Jon said that Rachel Fine's boobs have a twitter page and they were saying that maybe that would get verified first.
JD said someone at Paramount has contacts and they did him a favor and got him verified. JD said that he had to get someone kicked off for pretending to be him.
Jon said that JD was blocked by Kaley Cuoco when she found his tweets too creepy. JD said that is true. Howard asked why he's so creepy. JD said he tweeted a joke and asked if it was less creepy to hit on her now. He said he tried to follow her and it told him she was blocking him.
Howard said there was a show on CNN and she's really hot. He said this woman starts to answer political questions and it turns out she's brainy. He said he's never seen anyone this hot before. Gary came in and interrupted to tell Howard who Kaley Cuoco is. Howard said that he still didn't know who she was. The guys showed her picture to Howard. He said she is hot.
Howard said he had this woman's name written down but he's not sure what he did with it. Howard asked Jason if he printed out everything. Jason said he didn't remember getting a note about that. Howard said the girl has a famous last name. He said it's like Lloyd Webber or something. Howard said that this girl is really smart and hot. Howard said her name is Imogen Lloyd Webber. Howard showed a picture and talked about how hot she is. Fred said that she's actually on MSNBC, not CNN. Howard said she's so hot and she gets on and talks about the economic crisis and knows her stuff. Howard said that's JD's ticket out of the misery of his life. JD said that's fine with him. JD asked if she likes video games. Howard said she was on around 4 or 5 last night. He said he has to pull a clip of her talking about politics and stuff.
Howard said he was talking to Sharon Osbourne while he was on AGT. He said Sharon said something about Leah Remini getting fired from The Talk while she was in there. Gary said she said that she wasn't great on the air but she didn't work to get her fired. Howard said Leah is now tweeting that Sharon got her fired. Howard said that Leah was also saying that he has pussied out and he's chicken. Howard said he doesn't watch The Talk so he doesn't know how she is. Howard said that he can't defend her if he doesn't watch the show. Howard said she should stop whining like a bitch. He said Sharon doesn't have the power to get her fired if the execs on the show don't want her fired. Howard said they don't listen to Sharon. Howard said Leah Remini is out of her fucking mind.
Howard said the only one on that show who has the ear of the network is Julie Chen. Howard said Leah should man up and understand that she didn't go over the footlights. Howard said that she called him a pussy and pointed out that he didn't stand up for her. Howard said she doesn't even like him so he's not sure why she thinks he'd stand up for her. He said that Sharon didn't get her fired. Howard said she got herself fired.
Robin said she read something about Leah saying something about Sharon calling her and Holly ''ghetto'' or something. Howard said you can't care about what those people think. He said that he has to think about what his bosses and his fans think. He said it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Howard said it's the network that makes the decision. Howard said if he's doing a good job Sharon and Howie aren't going to get him fired. Howard said people have tried to get him fired for years. He said all you can do is go out and get another job. Howard said it's all in Leah's head. He said she has to go to the scientology place and clear her head. Howard said she has to get on that E Meter and clear her head.
Howard said he sits next to Sharon every weekend and she's a lovely woman. Howard said people are lunatics. He told her not to drag him into this. He said she must think that he should have seen her on that show and defended her. Howard said he doesn't watch that show though. Howard said he doesn't get it. He doesn't get The View either.
Jon said they have another story about the spelling mistakes in the back and how they're wasting a lot of work time. Jon said that the spelling is wrong in the prophet system and in the Lotus Notes system. Jon said they found that Scott, Sal and Gary have all spelled things wrong there. Howard said the problem is that the computer can't pick up on what you're trying to spell. Jon said that Sal spelled ''phony'' seven different ways over the years. Howard said you have to spell it exactly right in their system. Robin asked how he screws up like that. Jon said that it has been every different combination like ''phonie, phoney, foney...'' He said Sal isn't the only culprit though. Howard asked why he's being allowed to enter stuff into the system.
Sal came in and said that he doesn't think that's true. He said it's horse shit. He said that he's never spelled it with an F. Sal said that maybe someone put it in wrong. Sal said Scott the Engineer would reenter a lot of stuff so maybe someone else screwed it up. Jon said it is possible. He said that even Gary has entered names wrong. Howard said this is one of the most important things that they do there. Howard said he can't believe Sal. Gary said that the question is if Sal has known it for the past 12 years. He might know how to spell it right now. Sal said maybe there's an ''ey'' in there but he may have just had a brain fart that day.
Jon said that it's a major problem there because people are grumbling about it. Sal said they need a spell check. Jon said the issue is fixing the problems from over the years. Gary said they don't have a spell check. He said they have to look up the name before putting it in.
Jon said that Scott has started putting in Arnold S to shorten up Schwarzenegger. Sal was going on and on about how he checks his spelling. Howard told him to just go back there and do his job.
Jon said they had a story in the paper about Gary's time on the Parks and Recreation board and how nothing has gone wrong the whole time.
Howard said that when Gary almost didn't get on that board he wondered what Gary thought he was going to do. Robin said she can't wait for Howard to get on AGT because people will see who he really is. She said maybe that's why Gary wanted to get on the board.
People were saying they'd move out of the country if he was president. They said he has to be a little better than Hitler but not by much.
Howard read an email he got from a fan. The guy says that his sister is no Howard Stern fan but she went to the AGT taping and she had a great time there. The guy asked how she could listen to Howard after seeing him there. Howard said this poor girl's ears are going to peel if she listens to the show.
Howard played more audio of Sal and Richard asking people about him being president. One woman said Howard looks like a porn star. She said that Howard would make all of the girls walk around naked if he was president. She also said that she would pick Hitler over Howard for president.
Howard played another one where the woman said that she wouldn't like him as president. She said Howard isn't clean cut like a president. She was also saying that he might legalize prostitution. She said she'd move as far away as possible if he was president. She said she might vote for Hitler over Howard because he's dead.
Howard said he had the audio of Imogen Lloyd Webber. JD had pulled it and came in to tell Howard that she was dating Christian Slater in 2009 so there goes his chances. Howard played some audio of her talking about Apple computer and why they should have factories here in the States. Howard said this girl knows what she's talking about. Robin said she's really not saying anything though. Howard said she's so wrong. Howard said she's gorgeous and right. Robin said that she's heard a bunch of people saying the exact same thing. She thinks that Howard is thrown off by the British accent and her looks. Howard said she knows her stuff. Robin said she didn't say anything.
Eric said he went to the Viper Room one night with the Howard TV guys. Then he went to see Jimmy Kimmel. He said the next night he saw Wee Man at the Viper Room. Fred played snoring clips as Eric was telling his story. Eric said that he met a comedian there who likes to call himself a midget comedian.
Howard asked Eric how the decor is there. Eric said he's not sure if it's different than any other club. Howard said he got it all in. Eric said the event was nice. He said it was kind of warm in the room. Robin said she thought it was cold. Howard asked how the acoustics were. Eric said they were good. He said they had a DJ there. He said he was good. Robin asked what kind of music it was. Eric said he played regular music and also some karaoke music.
Howard asked if they had a white or black audience. Eric said he didn't keep track. Howard asked if he had anything else. Eric said that they had a contest and the first round... Robin asked what the contest was. Howard said he had no idea. Eric said it was a Karaoke Pole Dance contest. Eric said that the woman who he scored the highest didn't' make the last round.
Howard said he thinks they heard the whole story. Eric asked when that will air on Howard TV. Howard asked Doug when that would be. Doug said it will be in Today's daily show. He said it would be up tonight.
Howard said he saw Chuck Zito there at the club. Howard said the video is something else to see. He said he saw Eric with a Penthouse girl kissing him. Eric said she was really hot. Howard said this was fascinating stuff. He thanked him for sharing. Eric said ''Thank you for letting me.'' Howard TV showed some of the video of Eric at the club and one of the girls giving him a hand job or something. Howard said Eric has a big package. Howard said he has a big boner in that shot. Eric said the shorter one was Emily. Howard said that one girl looks like Avril Lavigne.
Howard said that girl grabbed Eric's penis and she was rubbing herself on Eric. Howard said she was lap dancing his head on his wheelchair. Eric said that was good. Howard said that girl seems to be getting a rash from Eric's head. Howard said she was rubbing her asshole and vagina on Eric's face. Howard said he's seen enough.
Gary asked if he could bring up something. He asked when Eric decided to dye his hair. He said that's blonde. Eric said it's gone grey. Howard said that girl on Eric's head looked like she was giving birth. Gary said he thought his head was going to blow up when his eyes got so wide.
Eric said that the Imogen Lloyd Webber chick has tweeted about them talking about her. Howard said she's super hot and smart. Howard said that they should get her in there. JD said that she started following him. Robin asked how long it'll be before she stops following him. Howard said it'll be by the end of the day.
Eric said Howard knows what he has to put up with on Twitter now that he's seen how the fans respond to him. Howard thanked Eric for calling in and did his impression of him for a minute. Both he and Fred were doing their impressions. They had to go to break a short time later
Martina said she's going to mix it up on the show and do all kinds of dances. Howard said Martina crushed everyone for years. He said she was shit on by the advertising community because she was gay. Howard said she must be worth like $15 million. He said she should have had every endorsement deal possible. Howard said that's because America hates gay people. Martina said things are a little better now.
Howard said Martina should be allowed to wear a pant suit. Howard said she was wearing high heels on the show. She said they're not that high. Martina said that's not an issue for her. She said she has an injury from when she was a child so she can't bend very well in heels but it's really fine.
Howard asked Martina how hot some of those women are. Martina said it's intimidating. She said that they're gorgeous. Howard asked if she'd like to dance with Katherine. Howard said he saw her checking her out. Martina said Howard caught her.
Howard said part of dancing is sexual attraction. He said Martina would rather watch paint dry than dance with a man. Martina said he has her wrong. She said she finds herself watching the man dance when she watches. She said she thinks it's sexy. Howard said that Martina is dancing with Tony. Howard asked if she'd do him. Martina said he's hot as heck. She said that anything is possible. She said she's involved with someone though so she can't do anything.
Howard asked Martina about banging this Miss Universe. Howard said she can outplay any dude in tennis and in the field of women. Howard said she's dating this Julia woman.
Martina said that she needs Howard's help. She said that she is a true amateur. Howard said that they have her playing this feminine role and she needs to put on man shoes and a tux. He said she'd win if they let her do that.
Howard said they stuck Martina with this dude and she's got no interest in that. Howard said it's time for America to wake up. Robin said she doesn't seem to mind it. Howard said he saw Chris Everett in the audience. Martina said that was very nice of her to show up.
Howard asked Martina why she's doing Dancing with the Stars. Martina said she's terrified of dancing in front of anyone. She said that she's trying to encourage people to do new things and do different things so she's trying to lead by example. Martina said that it's very easy to say no.
Howard asked if Martina's breast cancer is cleared up. She said it's all gone. She said that they did radiation treatment and it's gone. Howard asked how big she is. She said she's a B-cup. Howard said she should show that off.
Howard asked if she's attracted to Maria Menounos. Martina said she's very nice and very cute. Howard said Maria is showing off that body she has. Howard said she's almost dancing in a bikini.
Howard said he's worried about Martina. Howard said he knows what she really wants. Howard said he watches the show and he knows. Howard said that Martina should be dancing with a woman. He said that would heat up the screen. Robin asked if that was ever considered. Martina said she did think about it but her right hand goes up to dance with a man so that's what she went with. She said that they might go with it but she wasn't ready for it. She said she can't imagine herself being the guy.
Howard said that Martina could have had a love story if she had danced with a woman. Howard said the chemistry would be intoxicating. Howard said instead they see her with this fucking guy. Howard said in next week's rehearsal she should seduce the guy. Howard said she should just grab his penis. He said she would crush that guy.
Howard said that Martina is on Dancing with the Stars and there are a bunch of people on with her like Jaleel White, Maria Menounos and a bunch of others.
Howard said Martina shouldn't wear the make up. He said they had her all dolled up and she really doesn't need to do that. Martina said she's playing a part.
Howard asked Martina where she met this woman she's dating. Martina said she met her in a restaurant. Howard asked if it took a long time to get her into bed. Martina said it took 8 years. Howard said no way. Martina said that she met her and then she was in another relationship so it really was 8 years. Howard said that lesbians like to take things slow.
Howard said that his fans should vote for Martina to stay on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said that you can follow her on Twitter @Martina. Howard said if you're a hot chick you can send her sexy pictures. He said that dudes don't have to send her foreskin pictures because she won't care about that.
Howard said Martina is dolled up so much on the show that dudes are jerking off to her. Howard said he loves Martina and no one cares if she can dance or not. Howard told her to do something cool like seduce one of the teachers. Howard told her to try going after that Karina Smirnoff woman.
Howard asked if she's picking up a gay vibe from any of the girls. Martina said she's really not. Howard asked what she would do to Sheryl Burke. Martina said that she is beautiful. Howard said she has back fat rolls. Robin said she does not. Howard asked Martina what her body fat percentage is. Martina said she had 8 or 9 percent when she was in shape. Howard said it's so messed up that she had breast cancer. She was really healthy.
Howard asked Martina to do an F, Marry Kill game. Howard said that he had Karina, Maria and Sheryl in the F, Marry Kill. Howard said she has to marry one, fuck one and kill one. Martina said she has no idea. She said she can't kill anyone. Howard said they can do something else then. Martina said she would probably marry Maria. Howard asked who she would F. Martina said that she would go with Karina. Howard said she'll have to kill Sheryl then. Martina said she can't do that. She said she has to apologize to her now. Howard said just wait until she goes on set today. Howard gave Martina some more plugs and wrapped up.
Howard said that he thinks that she really does want to dance with a woman. Howard said it was so uncomfortable to watch. Howard said she's a woman who wants to be with another woman.
The caller said there's all kinds of stuff going on in the audience. He said they had some Howard fans sitting together and he was smiling the whole way home. He said his wife hasn't seen him that happy in a long time. Howard said Gary came to all four tapings. He said that's how much Gary liked it. Gary said he was there from 11 in the morning until 9 at night on Saturday and Sunday.
The caller said that Gary was in a t-shirt and he thought that he was kind of under dressed. Gary said he wasn't there as a producer. He was just there to hang out. Howard said that Gary went to another Bruce Springsteen concert down there. He said he just saw him a couple of weeks ago in New York City. Gary said he has a new album out so there's new stuff to enjoy.
Gary said they were walking around during SXSW and it was crazy. He said it's almost too much going on down there. Gary said that if you're not Bruce or 50 Cent then you just get lost. The caller said that Austin has a good music scene when that's not going on so it's a shame.
The caller said that he had a good time down there. He thanked Howard for being so cool and thanked him for taking his call.
Howard said Howie Mandel put his head on his head at one point during a taping. He said that he noticed that Howie kept rubbing his head and may have wiped it down with a wipe. He said he didn't wipe his own head. Howard said he felt so bad for Howie.
Howard said he does use Purell on his hands but Howie is really bad about all of that stuff. Robin said she felt bad for the transsexual last week when Howard went to hug her. Howard said he didn't know what he was doing. Robin said he was wrapping himself in his sweat shirt to make sure that he didn't touch her at all. Howard said he was like a turtle.
Howard played some audio of Dennis and Bill talking on Bill's show and there's some weird laughing going on. Howard said that you can hear a fake laugh from Bill and it's just weird. He said they're having a bromance right in front of America. Howard said that something is going on there. Howard said they're absolutely giddy. Howard said he thinks they should just fuck each other in the ass.
Howard said he saw Tara Reid on Access Hollywood. Howard said it's kind of sad. He said that all they talk about is whether or not she's partying. Howard said her command of the English language is horrible. Howard said she says ''you know'' a lot. Howard said he saw this on PerezHilton.com.
Howard played the clip of the interview with Tara on Access Hollywood. Tara was talking about her life in show business and what she would do differently if she could. Howard said there are like a hundred ''you knows'' in the clip. He only played a few of them.
Howard said there's this pastor that Rick Santorum hangs out with. He said you have to hear this mother fucker. Howard said this guy is a big fatso and his many chins are shaking as he speaks. The paster was talking about how there is only one god and he knows this. Howard said this is the guy that Santorum is hanging around.
The pastor tells people who don't believe in their god to get out. He said they don't worship any other god. They don't worship Buddha or Allah or anyone else. Howard did an impression of the guy. He said the guy really knows nothing. Howard said that Allah is the Arabic name for God so this guy doesn't know what he's talking about.
Howard played more audio of this preacher going on and on about this religious nonsense. He was going on about prayer in school and things like that. Howard said that this guy is screaming about how he can't pray but it's only in the public schools that they don't want people to be forced to pray in. Howard said that there are people who may not believe in his god. Howard said this big fatso from the south thinks he knows everything. Howard said he really knows nothing.
Howard played some birthday readings that Sal and Richard got through on a Tradio show. They got the names Matt Sterbater and Cam Ulltoe read by the host. He read them and the people who were wishing them happy birthday. Howard and Robin were some of the names read. Sal came in and explained how they get the names through and how they got Cam in shorted up for Cammie.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw the last episode of The Walking Dead. Howard said he did. He was thrown off by the guy's phone connection though. Howard said he can't listen with the echo on the phone so he had to hang up.
Howard said The Walking Dead was so good. He said that he finished Breaking Bad too. He said he misses the show now. Robin said she feels the same way. Howard said he heard the next season is the last.
Howard said he started watching The Wire. Robin said that the first season is the best. Howard said he's okay with it. He said he downloaded The Killing. He'll be watching that and some Batman cartoons. He said he has a lot of time to kill at America's Got Talent. He said he has a lot of down time. He said he loves that iPad. He said ''god bless Steve Jobs wherever you are.''
Howard said that they have to take a break but he has to mention the Triple X Factor contest they have coming up. You can find out more about that at SiriusXM.com/Howard
Howard came back and said he was doing a photo shoot with one of the guys from Rolling Stone and he had music playing. He said he was able to see the pictures as they were shooting. He said that he hit the wall at puberty but he thinks he hit the wall again. Howard said it's really depressing. Robin said he's too hard on himself. Robin said that's not the only thing women find sexy. Robin said the things women are turned on by are height too. Howard said he's got that. Robin said they also find strength sexy. Howard said he doesn't have that. Robin said resources and power are other sexy things. Howard said he has some power... sort of. Howard said he has a couple of those things. Howard said he knows he can get girls now.
Howard said he's trying to figure out what to do now. He said he has some email. He said someone thanked them for playing one of his favorite phony phone calls. Howard said someone told him not to listen to the Macy Gray album. Howard said someone wrote in about having a stent put in a couple of weeks ago and he loved hearing them doing their Eric the Midget impressions.
Howard said that someone wrote in about Ralph having that vocal fry thing. He said that the guy thinks Ralph is actually a woman. Howard read an email about Robin's song parodies and how much he liked one of them. It was a Led Zeppelin Robin song parody. Fred said he was trying to find it but it wasn't coming up. He said it's the Black Dog parody. Gary told them where it was in the system. Howard played it and said that was Martin Mezaros who did that one.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon came in and ran down his list of subjects for today's show. Jon mentioned Martina calling in today so Howard talked about watching Dancing with the Stars and how he didn't care so much about anyone on the show. Howard found the list of people who are on the show this season. He said Jack Wagner was a star years ago. He said he watched Maria Menounos because she has a great body. Howard said she's not that great a dancer though. He said she he knows he could fuck her. He said if he was single and she was single he thinks he could fuck her. Howard said he's pretty sure he could get her. Howard went through some of the other people on the list. He said there's an NFL receiver, Donald Driver, on the show. Howard said he had his wife and kids there. Howard said the kid is like 5 years old and the kid knows that his partner is hot. Howard said they have a sexual chemistry too. Robin said he was all over her.
Howard went through a few more names and commented on some of them. He said that he'll probably end up watching the whole season. He said he misses having Chaz on the show though. Howard said they need to have more hot chicks on the show too. He said Maria is hot. He said that Megan Fox will end up doing that show. He said maybe Cher would do it. Howard threw out a few other names that he'd like to see on that show.
Howard said they had a Mariachi band come on America's Got Talent and he said his usual line and they had no idea what he was talking about.
Jon Hein ran down more of his subjects for today's show. They ended up talking more about Martina. Howard said the show would be so good if Martina could dance with a woman. Howard said that's ABC not letting her do that. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break after that.
Howard asked if he should try it. Robin said he doesn't like juice. Howard said maybe this one will make it easy to eat lunch. He can just drink it. Howard said this is hardly a lunch for a grown man though. Robin said there were a lot of beans in the soup. Howard said it's in bottles and crates.
Howard asked someone to give him a straight answer for the calories. Will said it's 250. He said he didn't know what the G was for though.
Howard tried the green drink but he said it was the worst thing ever. He spit it out. Robin told him to stop spitting. Howard said it was like poison. Howard said he has to get that taste out of his mouth. He said he's dying over there. Howard took a swig of water and swished it around in his mouth. Howard said no human being could drink that. He said he'd dizzy from it.
Howard told Benjy to try the drink. He gave him a fresh bottle. Benjy said it was a little bitter but not that bad. Howard said he felt dizzy so maybe he got a bad bottle. Benjy said it's kind of like wheat grass. Robin said that's the worst.
Robin read about something going on in California where a woman had to pay her rapist's lawyers since she was married to the man at the time. Howard said the whole system is screwy.
Robin read about that Kony 2012 video and how one of the guys who put that video together is now in trouble. Robin said that he was caught naked and masturbating in public. Robin said they say he might have been drinking a lot. Howard said the guy cracked. Howard said he masturbates when he's under pressure too. He just doesn't do it in public.
Howard said that Bree Olsen put out a Kony video and she's half naked in it. Howard said she put a little sugar in the video and it worked on him. Howard said he watched her whole video. JD said the best part is when she's rolling in mud and she has Kony 2012 written on her leg. Howard said she may have put on a few pounds but she still looks cute.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that it was great to see him in Austin. She asked how it was compared to San Francisco. Howard said Austin was crazy. He said the audiences are nuts. He said it's a big party. Howard said a lot of their fans show up and hang out. Howard said it's a good time.
Howard said there was one old couple that came out and the audience started booing them. Howard said they hated them. Howard said that it sounded like they wanted to kill this old couple. Howard said they were a sweet old couple and you'd think that the audience would want lions on stage to eat them. Howard said he was right in there with the crowd. He said Sharon and Howie put them through. Howard said he told them they belong at Century Village. Howard said there's a reason they hide old people in some countries.
The caller said Howard seemed more relaxed in Austin than he did in L.A. She said that there's a lot of stuff going on that Howard doesn't see. She said after the third act they were told they had to move them because they were recognized from the L.A. tapings. She said that's the kind of thought they put into that show. Howard said they run that thing like a well oiled machine.
Howard said in L.A. He had no idea what was going on. He said he feels he knows the job now and what he needs to do. The caller, Cat, said he did phenomenal there. Howard said he agrees with her 100 percent. She said it was great meeting Gary too. Howard said she must be good looking if they put her in the front row twice. Howard said he wishes that they would just start the show from Austin forward. Howard said he loves working with Howie and Sharon too. He said they're both funny and great to work with.
Robin read a story about a case where a woman is trying to get survivor benefits for a child that was artificially inseminated after her husband was already dead. Howard said this is why the system is so screwed up. Howard said there are people who have no health benefits and they have kids. Howard said that's crazy. Robin said that mission statement Howard put out this morning has about 5 people following it.
Robin read about a hot air balloon pilot who died when his balloon crashed. They had to search for it for 4 days. Robin said that the balloon was stuck in a storm and they think he was helpless to do anything. Howard said you have to be nuts to go up in one of those things. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a fast food restaurant ranking that was done. Howard said he thinks that number 1 will be Wendy's. Robin said that's wrong. She said it's still McDonald's. Robin said the shake up is number 2 which is now Wendy's. Howard said he remembers back in the day when they had a certain quality. Robin said this is based on sales. Robin said Burger King is number 3. Howard said Jon Hein might be right with his crusade against Burger King. Howard said he says there's a marked difference between McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's. Howard asked Jon what he thinks.
Jon came in and said McDonald's is the best but Wendy's burgers are far superior. Jon said Burger King doesn't do a lot of things right. He said it's jut not a good environment. He said when you go into a Burger King they don't seem to care as much about their products as they used to. Jon said even at a poorly run Wendy's their food is still good. He said it's not the same at Burger King. Robin said that McDonald's did $34 billion in sales and Wendy's did $8 billion so they have a long way to go to catch up. Howard said maybe Jon could help them out if they asked for it. Jon said he might be able to use his powers for good instead of evil.
Robin said that Apple has had a good weekend. They sold 3 million iPads in the past 4 days. Robin said they say that their stock is at the $600 mark now. Howard said he doesn't even question it, he just goes and gets the latest thing from them. Howard said he doesn't notice the screen differences that much. Howard said he tried watching the Munsters and it looked pretty much the same on both. Howard said he knows he wants to read more on it though. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about it being the anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. She had some audio of President Bush breaking the news.
Robin read about the soldier who shot some civilians in Afghanistan and how he's been brought back to the United States to be charged.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who thanked him for letting them know that he wasn't going to be back until Tuesday. Howard asked Jeff what he did on his free Monday. Jeff didn't do anything special.
Robin read about some upcoming primaries and had some audio of some of the candidates talking about that. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about how we could end up with an outbreak of measles this summer. Robin said there are people who will be traveling and may not have had vaccinations. Robin said people who travel may get it while over in Europe this year when they go to the Olympics.
Robin read about Bernie Madoff and some things that are going on with his case. Howard talked about how the Mets are handicapped because they got ripped off by Madoff's scam.
Robin read about some shootings in France at some Jewish schools. Robin said they have security around some Jewish schools there in New York City now. Robin said that the Mayor is saying that they're taking steps to guard against copycat crimes. She had some audio of Bloomberg talking about that.
Robin read about how the Knicks aren't doing well but Jeremy Lin got an endorsement deal with Volvo. Howard said the Knicks did win a few in a row. He said they could still make it into the finals. Robin had some audio of Jeremy Lin announcing his deal with Volvo.
Robin had some Dancing with the Stars news and audio clips. She had the judges talking about Martina Navratilova.
Robin said that George Clooney was arrested. Howard said he saw that. He said he rubbed his tits up against the glass when he went to visit him. Howard said he was protesting what's going on over in the Sudan. Robin had some audio of George talking about that. They ended the show a short time later. It was about 10:10am.
Jon brought up the Kaley Cuoco story and how she blocked JD. Gary said he met her years ago when he was on Hollywood Squares. She was a big fan back then. He said that he was on with Gilbert Gottfried and they both saw that she was wearing a chain thong and Gilbert actually yelled it out.
Jon asked about the misspelled words in their system and Gary said that he doesn't think that Scott the Engineer would screw up the spellings of ''phony'' that Jon Leiberman mentioned. Gary said there are words that can be screwed up like ''to, too'' or ''peace or piece.'' He said that those things can get screwed up too.
JD came in so Gary asked how many followers he has. JD said he has like 134,000 or so. He said it's pretty cool to be verified. He said not everyone is verified. Gary said there isn't a rash of impersonators. JD said there are some. He said he had to get one kicked off for saying rude shit to celebrities.
Gary said he was following Fred for like a month before he realized Fred isn't even on Twitter. Jon asked JD about wanting that verification. JD said he did want it. He said nothing else really changed since he was verified. He said when you see dads from the Teen Mom show that are verified it's not so cool. He said it kind of lost it's luster a little bit.
Gary said JD clearly just wants to be in that club. JD said of course he does. Gary asked what benefits there are to being in that club. JD said he doesn't know. He said maybe he'll be taken more seriously or something. He said he's trying not to be a joke in as many places.
Gary said tweeting isn't as important to him as it is for JD. JD said Gary has also established himself in a career and he hasn't. JD said he doesn't know what's going to happen so that's one place that he can get some help and move on to other places.
Sal asked if it's all about pussy. JD said not entirely, no. He said there is always a hint of pussy being involved in anything a guy does. Gary said that Kaley knows that he's a verified creep now.
Jon asked Sal if he cares. Sal said as long as he can do his thing he's fine. He said that he does like to be under the radar at times so he doesn't care either way. Gary said there's a cue rating for people on the web and JD's is actually higher than his. He said that JD is on the web more so he's got a higher cue rating.
JD said he's not sure what he can do with that. Benjy suggested doing a Kony video. JD said no thanks to that. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said that Howard is so funny on the show and Sharon and Howie work well with him and they're funny too. He said that right now it's all a lot of fun that they're having shooting these shows.
Jon asked Gary why Howard doesn't understand why he'd want to see Bruce so often. Gary said he's not sure. He said that the show isn't boring. He said Bruce mixes it up and it's an exciting show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was at the Saturday night show and he thought it was cool to see Gary there. He asked how the crowds were on Saturday and Sunday. Gary said they served alcohol at the venue so that was weird. He said Saturday night was very interesting. He said he it was St. Patrick's day and they were serving alcohol there that night.
Jon asked Gary if he went anywhere else. Gary said he went out but he was like the oldest guy around. He said that he went out to some clubs and restaurants with his nephew.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard really was shining there at the taping. He said Howard turned to acknowledge the crowd and pointed out that Ronnie and Ralph were there. He said that Ralph waved and then Howard mentioned Gary and it seemed like people were there to see Gary more than even Howard. The caller said that Gary didn't stand up and acknowledge anyone. Gary said he actually did stand up and wave. Gary said he did that every show. Gary said he felt weird going out because they were all yelling out ''Baba Booey'' the whole time. He was trying to lay low a little bit.
Jon asked Sal if he agrees with Gary and the way he thinks things will go down with AGT. Sal said he thinks people's minds will change. He said that Howard is expanding into pop culture and he thinks the fans will see the Howard he loves. He said people will be shocked at what they see.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary shouldn't have gone to the Springsteen thing. He said Howard is his boss. Gary asked which show he was talking about. The caller said he shouldn't have gone to the Sirius show. Gary said that's cool. He gets it. The caller went on and on. Gary said he hears him and he'd fine with that opinion.
Gary said he thinks that Howard would have preferred that he not go to that Sirius show. He said if he had to do it again he probably wouldn't go.
Another caller asked if they're worried about Howard being on AGT and not signing with Sirius again. Gary said that he's got 3 years and 10 months left on the contract. He said that everyone there is wondering what to do in 10 months. He said if Howard leaves then that's that. He said he's not sure that will have anything to do with Howard's decision on what to do with his radio contract.
Jon said that he thinks that the exposure Howard gets could help all of them there. Gary said their agent says that's the ''halo effect.'' Sal said that he thinks that his foreskin Friday thing could take off if that happens. The guys asked what that is. Sal said that he's going to put out pictures of his foreskin every Friday on twitter. Gary asked if we get new foreskin or just Sal's. Sal said he's encouraging everyone to try it. Gary asked if he'd be okay with it if the gay community takes it over. Sal said he'd be fine with it.
Ronnie told Sal that he's going to get shut down before it takes off. Sal said they warned him once already. He said he has to mark it as explicit. He said he must have had a lot of complaints.
Jon asked Ronnie if he had fun with Howard out there. Ronnie said he has a lot of things he has to do for Howard so he stays busy with that. He said he does love hanging out in the audience though. Gary said that Ronnie is very professional. He said he doesn't turn around at all when they're yelling out his name. Ronnie said it's constant too.
Ronnie said that Ralph got booed at the first two shows. Gary said he did. He said that Ralph tried to lay low at times.
Jon asked Ronnie if he got to enjoy the music down there. Ronnie said he had it in his room. He said he was two doors away from him on the same side of the building. He said he didn't go to sleep at the same time as Howard. He said he would go back and he'd go down and mellow out for a little bit. He said if you stayed in your room you'd hear a whole concert. He didn't have time to go out and see concerts or anything.
Jon Leiberman came in and said that Twitter is going to send out an embedded message saying that his pictures are sensitive. He said that he must have gotten a lot of complaints.
Benjy said he doesn't think they'll warn people about other things like death threats. Sal said that his posts are like a club. He said you have to get in on the club to see this stuff.
Jon asked if Sal's wife knows he's sending out pictures of his foreskin. Sal said he's had it out there enough and she's fine with it. Ronnie said it's disgusting. He said he has kids to think about. Sal doesn't seem to care. Ronnie said he could pick a different gimmick. He said this is disgusting and horrible. Sal said Ronnie is out looking for pigs and skanks to get a free handy on the side and he's not breaking his balls.
Gary asked what Ronnie's son thinks of his Hot Chick of the Week thing. Ronnie said he likes it. He said his son isn't 5 years old though. Ronnie said Sal's foreskin is just disgusting. Jon had to take a break after that.
Jon asked Sal why he brought Scott Salem into this. Sal said he's not throwing anyone under the bus but he knows Scott has misspelled a lot of stuff wrong. he's gotten names wrong a lot. Gary said this is two different things. Celebrity names and regular words are different. Gary said he would bet that Sal has spelled Phony a few different ways.
Gary asked Sal to spell receipt. Sal spelled it ''RECIEPT'' but then corrected himself. JD threw him ''Siege'' and Sal spelled it ''SEIGE'' and then ''SIEGE.''
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think that they will ever see two women dancing on Dancing with the Stars. Gary said he thinks it could happen some day.
JD threw a word out to Sal to spell implausible. Sal spelled it correctly the first time. Sal said that was a good one. He asked him to spell Connecticut. Sal said that's ridiculous. Sal tried and got ''CONNETICUT.'' They threw out a couple more for him and Sal was bragging when he'd get one right the first time. They had to end the show a short time later at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how it's too early for him. Howard said he and Beth were reunited after about 5 days. He said she was out doing her TV show so she didn't get back until last night. Howard said Beth left on Monday and got back last night. He said they had their big reunion so they were love making. Howard said when you think about his love making it's pretty silly. Robin said everyone is silly at that point. Howard said he tries to lose himself in the moment but he's just hovering over her. He said we're all animals. Robin said she says that all the time. She said we're like monkeys or insects. We're just driven by instinct.
Howard said we're no different than dogs or cats. He said that insects have no politics. Howard said that's what The Fly said. He said that movie was great. He wondered what happened to Jeff Goldblum. Robin said she seems to be doing fine. She said she thinks that he put his money away. Howard wondered if he gets chicks. Robin said she must. She said he's very sexy. She said he's tall.
Howard said he was threatened by the movie studio that they were going to replace him with Jeff Goldblum. Howard said they were on the 15th rewrite of the script at that point. Howard said his agent had script approval so he's glad he had that. Howard said they told him if he didn't make the movie they'd get Jeff to replace him. He told them to go ahead and try it. He said he'd love to see them make the Howard Stern story with Jeff Goldblum as Howard Stern. Howard said he felt kind of insulted by that. Robin said that's not such a bad replacement. Robin said he could look like Howard. Howard said Jeff has that strange delivery though. He did an impression of what that might sound like. Howard said Jeff is in the Jurassic Park movies so he must have done well with that.
Howard played a clip of Jon Hein asking JD how much it meant to him to be verified and JD wasn't able to get a thought out. Howard said it's like a car that won't start in the morning. Howard played the clip 3 times to hear JD trying to get it out. He eventually did but then he stumbled over a bunch of things as Gary and Jon were questioning him.
Howard said they have to be quiet when JD is explaining himself. He said that he just gives up on trying to get a thought out. Howard said JD is very good when he's writing but he can't talk. Robin said there are so many thoughts in his head that he just gives up. Robin said they've seen him argue with himself in the studio.
Howard said he saw a show called Topper where he'd argue with a ghost and no one would know what he was talking about. Robin said maybe that's what JD is doing.
Howard played more of JD saying ''I don't know'' a bunch of times during that conversation. Robin said he just gives up mid-sentence. She did an impression of JD and so did Fred.
JD was trying to explain how this could help him out when the show ends. Sal then asked if he was doing it for pussy and JD took a while to answer that too.
Howard said Gary was talking about being at the America's Got Talent tapings. He played some audio of Gary talking about how people will be happy when they see Howard on the show. Howard said he felt that Gary was looking at him in a different way when he was at those tapings. Gary said he was exited just seeing Howard's name on the big X. Howard said he heard some of the nice things he was saying.
Howard said the most mind blowing thing on the Wrap Up Show was when they talked about the misspellings in the Prophet system. He said that someone misspelled ''phony'' a few different ways. He said they should have a spell check in the system. He said that Sal came in and explained that he's a good speller and Sal got the words wrong every time. Howard said it's un-fucking-believable. Howard played the clip where Sal spelled the words wrong. Here's some of what I wrote yesterday:
Gary asked Sal to spell receipt. Sal spelled it ''RECIEPT'' but then corrected himself. JD threw him ''Siege'' and Sal spelled it ''SEIGE'' and then ''SIEGE.''
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think that they will ever see two women dancing on Dancing with the Stars. Gary said he thinks it could happen some day.
JD threw a word out to Sal to spell implausible. Sal spelled it correctly the first time. Sal said that was a good one. He asked him to spell Connecticut. Sal said that's ridiculous. Sal tried and got ''CONNETICUT.'' They threw out a couple more for him and Sal was bragging when he'd get one right the first time.
Howard said that Sal can't even remember the rule of ''I before E except after C.'' He said the guy is just fucked up. He said this is what's going on back in his office when he's trying to spell. Howard played the part where Sal wasn't able to spell Connecticut. Sal said he was close. Howard said this is the problem. Sal gets ''close'' and then they can't find things in the system. He said he should not be inputting into the computer. Howard said someone else has to enter that stuff. Howard said that he would just Google it if he doesn't know the spelling. Sal came in and said he does that.
Howard said Sal just missed a bunch of words. Sal said in the end the got the words. Howard said he won't think about it if he gets it wrong in the system. Howard asked Sal not to input stuff. Sal said he's not as bad as he's been made out to be. Howard told Sal to prove that he hasn't. Howard said he can't spell. Sal said he can spell. Howard said a 3 year old can spell receipt. Sal told him to give a word to him. He said he'll think about it and spell it right. He said he is impulsive with the spelling and he will admit that.
Howard said when Sal is working he must not be checking his work. Sal said he's never had a problem finding a piece of media for him. Howard said Sal can search anything because he's an idiot. He said he's consistently wrong. Sal said his spelling is fine. Howard said he's not good at spelling and he has to adit it. Howard said he has to get over that.
Gary asked Sal what he's going to do from now on. Sal said he's going to spell check from now on. Gary told Howard to go to his computer and check out the spelling. Howard checked it and saw that someone wrote Napoleon Dynamite. Sal said he didn't do that. Gary said he did too. Howard told him to spell it. Sal said he's going to think about this for a few seconds. Howard said he's back there just typing and not thinking.
Sal spelled it NAPOLEAN. Howard said this is a disaster. Howard said he spelled it ''Napleon'' on the computer. Howard said he does not know how to spell. Sal insisted he does. Gary told Howard about another clip. Howard checked that one out and said he spelled Misunderstood wrong. Sal spelled it right when asked to do it but he spelled it ''Miss Understood'' on the computer. Howard said that Sal has turned her into a woman. Howard said he's just wrong.
Howard said Sal has spelled one word right out of 20. Sal said he's too impulsive with his spelling. Howard said he can't spell. Sal said he just spelled two words right. Howard said he does everything wrong. He said when he's back there on his own he's not doing it right. Howard said he's not going to think about every word he types.
Gary said that Sal isn't going to think about Napoleon. He said if he thinks that's the way it's spelled he won't spell check. Sal said he will.
Howard said that if Sal gets these things wrong they'll never be able to find them in the system. Sal said that he's not doing this. Howard said he's ruining his system. Sal said that Howard is ruining his head. Howard said they can't find these things in the system when he spells them wrong.
Gary told Howard about another screw up. Howard checked that one out. Howard said that Sal spelled Anal Receiver wrong. Sal spelled it right when Howard asked but in the system he spelled it ''RECIEVER.'' Howard said this is what he's talking about. Sal said that's a simple mistake. Howard said he's too nice. He said that other people would fire Sal. Howard said there are people who make one mistake and get fired. Howard said he lets Sal stay.
Howard said that the word Bureau must blow Sal's mind. Sal was able to spell that one. Howard wondered why he can spell that but not receiver. Sal told Howard he's on beta blockers because of some of his problems. Howard said that Sal got on Twitter and sent out pictures of his foreskin and got warned by the people at Twitter. He said he just doesn't get it.
Sal told Howard about the beta blockers that help with his shaking and stuff. Howard said that he can't imagine the doctor he goes to. Howard said he just looks at Sal's hands shaking and puts him on the beta blockers. Howard said Scott DePace shakes too. Scott said he doesn't really care so he just deals with them.
Sal told Howard that he has essential tremors. Howard wondered why he can't even spell essential. Sal spelled it right but Howard told him he was wrong so he had him spell it again. Sal spelled it wrong.
Howard asked if Richard can spell. Sal said he can spell. Howard asked Gary if he thinks Richard can spell. Gary said he has more spellings for Howard if he wants them. Howard told Sal to try essential again. Sal said that it's ''essential.'' Howard said he got it. Sal said that's the first way he spelled it.
Gary told Howard he had another one that was screwed up. He told Howard where it was on his screen. Howard said he has to be kidding him. He said maybe it was sent in like that. It actually was right. Howard said it was Sweet Brown Ass but it was spelled Suite Brown Ass. Sal said that's the way the guy sent it in.
Sal told Howard that he will double check everything and not screw up again. He asked if Howard liked their new material. Howard told him to just get out. Howard said it's amazing that he's like the first guy that got kicked off of Twitter. Howard said he won't even curse on Twitter. He said he's not sure what's acceptable. Howard said Sal just goes on and posts pictures of his foreskin. Sal said Howard has been an advocate for foreskin and he has studied it. Howard told him to get out of there.
Howard said he loves that guy. He said it's unbelievable. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he can imagine buying stock from Sal and he buys the wrong one when he spells the symbol wrong. Howard said that has to be a very precise kind of job. The caller said he worked with Sal and he used to sit by a window and look out at women showering in their apartments. Howard said he believes that. Robin said at least the people's money was safe during that time.
Sal came in and said that the story was actually true. He said everybody would do that. The caller said he wanted to ask him to spell voyeur. Sal had to think about that. Sal spelled it correctly. The caller asked him to spell amateur. Sal spelled it ''AMATEUR.''
Howard asked Sal how he was a stock broker. He asked if he handled the orders. Sal said he did. He said they had a system that they'd use and it was similar to the Prophet system. Howard said he can't imagine him handling people's money. Howard said there has to be someone brighter than Sal handling the money. Sal said that there are a few people out there ruining us financially. He said it's not just him. The caller asked him to spell February and Sal was able to spell that. The caller said Sal got him with those.
Howard said it's worth seeing. He said Eric is only on for like 10 seconds and he is delivering lines. Eric asked if they kept the line in that he contributed. Eric said that was ''Keys woman!'' Howard said they did leave that in. Howard said he felt it was a very awkward line. He said that it was very weird to him. He said that he felt it was very disconcerted. Gary said it was like a lame joke because the woman could just push him over. Howard said that woman wouldn't put up with that. Howard and Fred were goofing on Eric saying he sounds like a chain saw when he's trying to start talking. Fred was doing his impression and making chain saw sounds.
Eric asked Fred to stop with that. Eric told Howard what they hear on the show and on ''In Plain Sight'' is all an act. He said this isn't his real personality. Howard said he has met Eric in person and he is different. He said he just kind of stares at him. He said that Eric won't say much. Howard said he'd like to talk to the real Eric for a second. Howard asked how he is. Eric said he's good. He said he's really a pleasant person to be around. Eric said he doesn't do this stuff when he's meeting fans. He said if people are nice to him he won't act like an ass. Eric said he's pleasant and nice to them back.
Howard said this seems like the same Eric to him. Eric said he'll give it right back to people if they're not pleasant to him.
Howard said he saw Eric's appearance on In Plain Sight. Eric said it's on this Friday on USA Network. Eric said he has another video he was calling in about. Eric said someone at Wonder-Con asked Jonah Hill about him. He said that Channing Tatum had a clueless look on his face when he was asked that question. Howard said maybe he doesn't listen. Howard said he had to move along because Debbie the Pet Lady is there. Howard said he has to see that Jonah Hill clip too. Howard said he's seen that confused look on Sharon Osbourne's face when people yell out Eric's name or hold up signs. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Gary told Howard what Debbie is upset about and how she has a lot of papers of people who are out to get her. Howard said paranoia is the most difficult thing to cure. Howard said that he talked to a psychiatrist about this and he was telling him that it's the most difficult to treat. Howard said that they don't know how to deal with it.
Gary said that Debbie was out there screaming at him and he was thinking to himself that she's not that unattractive and the personality doesn't really fit the body. Howard said that's like Mariann from Brooklyn. Gary said that Debbie just can't get that screaming under control.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Chris Rock and something he said in a video. Howard said he knows about the video. He said he saw the video and felt bad for Chris Rock. Howard said this kid was back stage somewhere and he wrote a book about people who are hypocrites. Howard said this kid goes up to Chris and asks him to take a picture with him. Chris looks around and takes the picture. He said the kid asks Chris why he's racist about the tea party. Howard said that you don't know what the fuck is coming next when someone does that. Howard said that the guy is famous and he doesn't have to answer every question. The caller said Chris could have answered the question. Howard said he saw the tape and he didn't like what was going down. The caller said that Chris just flipped out and never asked the guy to move. The caller told him to watch the video. Howard said he saw the video twice.
Gary said he thinks that the guy was bothering Chris and it wasn't the first time he had bothered him. Howard said it's no big deal and he's not going to run for president or anything. The caller said he could have asked the guy to just move. Howard said he's just going to agree with him. The caller said Chris didn't have to use violence with his first reaction. Howard said they don't know what else went on there. Howard said he'd defending Chris Rock. Howard said he disagrees with the caller. He said he doesn't know what led up to that push.
Howard said that he has to go because this caller's voice annoys him. He said it looked like Chris had enough and he just pushed the guy's camera away. Howard said that when you're back stage and you feel like something weird is going down it's a weird feeling. Howard said people don't always handle things perfectly. Howard said he probably has a pretty level head himself. He said he thinks about how he's going to handle things but in the heat of the moment you may not think like that. Howard had to go to break as short time later.
Howard came back and said that was one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Howard said no one would ever think that was Metallica. Howard said he loves it. He said any one of those lines could be a tattoo. He's not sure what they mean but he doesn't know what a lot of people's tattoos mean. Howard asked Robin if she wanted him to sing it to her. Robin told him to go ahead. Howard didn't know the lyrics. He repeated them after hearing them. Fred threw in some Debbie the Pet Lady clips while the song was playing. Howard said he really does love that song. He said it's beautiful. Howard asked if Lars writes the lyrics. Fred said he thinks that James wrote this one.
Howard played a song parody of that song which was about Robin. It was Sal singing about eating Robin's fecal matter. Howard said he may not be able to spell but he sure can sing.
Howard said that Debbie the Pet Lady has announced that she's retiring from the show and she's coming in to explain why. He said he's going to hand the mic over to her to let her explain. Howard said Richard and Sal used to call her and prank her. Then she became part of the show but now she feels she has to leave. He said he understands why she might have to leave.
Debbie came in with her bird. She told them to get a towel for the bird because it might shit. Howard asked if bird shit can breed disease and stuff. Debbie said that's not true. Debbie said the studio looks nice. She said she's there to tell Howard off though.
Howard said that birds have disease. Howard asked if the bird or Benjy have more disease. Howard asked if it's a pigeon. Debbie said it's an African Grey and it speaks and does tricks and stuff. Howard was asking her goofy questions so Debbie went off on him.
Debbie said that Howard fucked up her life. She said she should be thankful but this show fucked up her life. She said that Robin is a two faced bitch too. She told her not to interrupt the show. Robin asked what she did. Debbie didn't really say.
Howard asked Debbie why she's leaving. She said she has her reasons. She said she's there to tell the truth today. Howard asked if he can interview her. Debbie said she came in with a whole speech. She said that Howard only caters to his men and they're scumbags and they treat Howard like shit. She said Howard treats all women like shit. Howard said Debbie is a good looking woman and the voice and carrying on don't match up.
Debbie said that she did an interview with Jon Leiberman and he put out stuff she didn't want out there. She said he was telling everyone about her stuff. Howard said she was locked up in jail for 4 years and he had no idea. Debbie said that's what she didn't want to open up about. She said she has sickos following her now.
Howard asked what she did to go to jail. Debbie said she stabbed a man. She said she had problems growing up and her family was fucked up. She said that she has to get this stuff out. She said that Howard never let her tell her story before. She said maybe she can release her conscience and get over this. Debbie said jail was horrible and she had to take on this big loud mouth bitch there. She said that she just whacked the bitch out. She said she punched her right out. Debbie said no one fucked with her after that. Howard said this is a scary thing to do. She overcame her fear. Debbie said there are a lot of crazy things that go on in jail. She said she had one girl try to cut her up with a razor. She said the guards are very corrupt. She said that she didn't take their shit.
Howard asked Debbie about this person she stabbed. Debbie said she used to get beat up and her family was a fucked up mess. She said that her parents really messed her up. She said she ran away from home and ended up in the streets sleeping. She said she got kidnapped. She said this pimp kidnapped her and she got out of that shit. She said the guy beat the shit out of her and was going to burn her. Debbie said she got jumped by a bunch of people and thrown in a car. Howard said this sounds like paranoia to him. Debbie said she saw a group of guys and... Howard cut her off and asked if that's her real hair. She said it is.
Howard said he's going to run out of time. Debbie said she knew he was going to do this to her. Howard told her to stop it. Debbie would calm down for a few seconds and then start screaming again. She was up and down like that the whole time she was in there.
Howard said that he wanted to know why she stabbed this guy. Debbie said that she was in a car and she ended up stabbing a guy accidentally with a knife she had. She said she got 4 years in jail for that.
Howard asked Debbie if any girls went down on her in jail. She screamed that she's not there for sex talk today. She said that she doesn't get that lonely. She said she's not going there into the sexual shit with him. Howard told her to make her statement then. Debbie said she's fucking her up today. She started crying.
Howard took a call from a guy (Richard Simmons clips) who asked what's wrong with Debbie. He said she sounds like a very nice girl. Richard asked if she remembers him putting on the fake tattoos and a moustache. Richard said he has a picture of them together. The guys had Richard telling her to just stop for a minute. Debbie said that people don't know her. She said if he really knew her then he'd know where she's from. Richard didn't know where she was from.
Howard hung up on Richard and asked Debbie about trying to steal a horse. Debbie said she did that. She said it was a real horse on a farm. Debbie said that she got beat up as a kid and she ran away a lot. She said she liked horses and he wanted to ride like a western and just go. She said she went to a farm and she took the horse to the drive-thru. She said she asked someone to hold the horse so she could use the restroom and she had a bunch of detectives show up.
Howard asked Debbie if she really smashes her phones when she calls in and doesn't get through. Debbie said she knows that JD is controlling the show back there and he's the one who keeps her off the air. Howard said JD doesn't even interact with her.
JD came in and told Howard that he's never said anything about Debbie. He said the only time he did was when a friend asked for less Debbie on the show. He said he told him one day when Debbie wasn't on that it was just for him. Debbie said that JD shouldn't be talking about her.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who played Hank the Dwarf clips to have a conversation with Debbie. Debbie said she didn't want to take calls. Debbie had no idea they were just clips of a dead dwarf.
Howard asked if Debbie is really done with the show. Debbie said she is. She said she had a whole speech ready for the show. Howard said she's paranoid and he understands it now. Howard said he likes Debbie but she doesn't believe it. She said he cuts her off all the time. Howard said she gets boring. He said he has to cut her off. He said sometimes it's good and sometimes it's boring. Debbie said he caters to that Bobo and Mariann every day but she can't get through. Howard said that he hangs up on both of them. She said he does but he takes their calls every single day.
Howard asked Debbie what it is she wants to say before she leaves the show. Debbie said that he owes her something. She said since she got on the show people have been fucking with her. She said that they're from his show and they fuck with her. Howard said she has to stop coming on the show then. Debbie told Howard and Robin to shut the fuck up. She said she has to say one thing. Debbie said she has lost her concentration. Howard said he likes her and he knows she doesn't believe that. Howard said he can't let her take over the show.
Howard told Debbie to look at him. He said he likes her and he thinks she's a nice person. Debbie refused to believe that.
Debbie said people think it's great to get on this big show and it's really not. Howard said he has Ass Napkin Ed on the phone. Debbie told him to take him off the phone. Howard didn't pick up on him. Howard said he had Gary on the phone. It was clips of Gary Dell'Abate that the guys were playing. They got her going when they had Gary yelling at her.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who played Scott the Engineer audio clips. They had Scott fucking with Debbie too. She was yelling at the clips like he was a real person too.
Debbie said that Howard Stern has ruined her life. She said they lie to you and make you think they're on your side. She said they don't really care. She said all the want is good radio and they don't really care. Robin agreed with her about that.
Howard said Debbie has said it and they have listened. He said they have to end the appearance now. Debbie didn't want to end it. Howard said he has Alice on the phone. They had tapes of Crazy Alice that they played. Debbie knew she was just tapes though. Debbie said that she spoke to Alice and she would come on and tell Howard to fuck off too.
Debbie said that if she was a man Howard would respect her more. Howard said he can't take anymore of the truth. He thanked her for coming in today. Debbie told Howard she's not going to leave until they bring her bag in there. Howard told them to get her bag. Debbie said that she has to give him this thing she brought. Howard said she just had a half hour in there. Debbie was all over the place yelling and crying.
Debbie gave Howard a gift and gave one to Robin too. Howard said it was a beautiful eagle. She told Howard to fly like an eagle. Robin's gift was a Robin bird. Robin seemed to like it. She said it was very sweet.
Howard said he hopes Debbie rethinks this. Debbie asked what he would do to make her stay. Howard said there is no pleasing her so he can't do anything. Debbie said she wants him to take a picture with her. Howard said he'll do that. He said he'll teak a break and do that. Debbie said she had to take a long trip there.
Howard had the guys in the back playing Mike Walker audio clips. They had him saying that her stretch pants were just wrong. Then they had Mike farting. Debbie said they did her wrong today. She said Howard has to admit that he's wrong.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked her to ride the Sybian. Debbie asked if he wanted to ride her fist. She said that she's not going to do that. Howard said she got a little off track today. Debbie said that she's not going to say mean things to Howard. Howard told her say what she wants. Debbie said her mind is demented today so he doesn't know what to say. Howard said they'll be right back. They went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard a Pat Robertson rambling clip and a Sound Byte Contest finalist ''Howard Stern Is The Man.''
Howard said that song is like an insane asylum song. Howard said Debbie is still out in the hall yelling. He took a call from a woman who said she doesn't think Howard hates women but she has to agree with Debbie to some extent about the male callers. She said that he has more male than female. Howard said he loves talking to women on the phone but he's catering to a mostly male audience. He said of course they're going to hear from more men than women. Howard said he doesn't keep women off the air.
The caller said that she has called in and doesn't get on the air. Howard said that they have 20 phone lines and he doesn't take the calls every second. He said she might end up on hold for 4 hours with 19 other people. He said he doesn't have time to think about how many women call in. Howard asked Robin and Fred if they've ever heard him talk about a strategy like that. Both of them said that they haven't.
The caller's phone sounded awful so Howard said he has to hang up on her. Howard said he knows she's going to think there's a conspiracy but he's just hanging up because her cell phone sounds so bad. He said he had no idea what she was saying.
Howard said these religious guys who do TV shows pretend they know something about god that you don't know. Howard said he doesn't get why anyone would give Pat Robertson a dime. Howard said he should be locked up with Debbie the Pet Lady. Howard said Debbie is Gary's favorite guest. He said he gave her a half hour on the show. He said he's not sure what her message was. Howard said she's a tortured woman. Robin said she has an illness. She said she didn't realize she had so many problems.
Howard said sometimes we think that people are experts when they're really not. Howard said Pat Robertson is not an expert. Howard said Riley has a story about being abducted by aliens and people believe that. Howard said if he changed that to God he'd have a business.
Howard said Pat Robertson is for legalizing drugs all of a sudden. He said that you think he's right about something for once. Howard said the same guy was telling a woman not to go to her sister's wedding because her sister is gay and it was a gay wedding. Howard said you don't avoid your sister's wedding. He said that's family and you accept them for who they are.
Howard said he heard Pat Robertson talking about how he's all for blow jobs too. Howard said Pat turned to this woman who was asking about sex and asked if she had a kid. Howard said he's evidentially into blow jobs.
Howard played a clip where Pat was being asked a question about oral sex and the woman asking the question was acting like she didn't want to ask it. Pat called her out on that and said that she's had a child. The woman acted like it was the most disturbing question ever. Pat said if you feel it's a sin then it's a sin. He said it matters what's in your heart. Pat said that it's all a matter of what's in your mind.
Robin said that explanation doesn't make sense. Howard said that if abortion is okay in your mind then it's not a sin with that logic.
Howard said that Riley wants us to believe that there are aliens and there is no such thing. He said Pat Robertson wants us to believe he talks to god. He said it's really no different. Howard said if Riley changed his story to be about God then he'd make a fortune. Howard did his impression of Riley and had him talking about the aliens as if they were god.
Riley said that he can assure them that they will continue on when they die. Robin asked why they have to save the planet then. Riley said that he just wants some people to read his book ''The Coming Of Tan.''
Howard said he heard Riley defending the use of piss jugs on his show the other day. Riley said that he'd like him to show him any man who has never had the need of a piss jug. Howard let him go a short time later after giving him a plug for his book.
Howard played some audio from Riley's show where he was talking about the piss jug thing. Howard said he really does love Riley. He did his impression of him the whole time he was talking about him. In the clip a caller was talking about the way Riley is portrayed on the show. He was also talking about the piss jug thing and Riley said ''show me a man who has never needed a piss jug and you'll see a woman.'' Howard said he's never needed one. He said he just goes to the bathroom.
Howard said Ronnie and Shuli heard Scott bitching about this. He said Scott wants them to pay more for his aisle seat. Scott said he never said anything about the money. Scott said they're crazy and trying to start something. Shuli came in and said that Ronnie is upset about this and maybe some other things. Howard said Ronnie doesn't want this coming out of his money. Shuli said that he understands Howard asking for more leg room but Scott is an average sized man. Shuli said he watches Scott on the flight and he just stares at the back of the chair and listens to Sirius Pulse. He said it's ironic that a guy with no pulse is listening to that channel.
Ronnie came in and said that Scott called the guy who is in charge of the booking and asked for the seat. He said Scott doesn't really want to go. Shuli said he thinks that's what it's all about. Ronnie said that he knows this is too much travel for Scott but he's doing even more than Scott. He said that he doesn't get why Scott can't go. Scott won't say what his previous engagement was.
Scott said he warned them that he might have a problem with that weekend. Howard said they say that they heard he had a wedding and now the wedding may not be happening. Scott said he has a wedding to go to. Scott said he was joking when he said the wedding might be canceled.
Shuli said they had two dates at the end of the month. He said that the one venue had an issue and they were thinking about canceling. He said they were going to bring it down to one show instead of two. Shuli said Scott thought about going then. Shuli said that Ronnie thinks that he might not want to travel so much and that's the whole problem.
Scott said he's doing all of the shows except for this one weekend. Howard asked Scott if he really has a wedding to go to. Scott said he has the wedding. He said he doesn't know where it is. He said that it's a family cousin. Howard asked what the name of the cousin is. Scott said he has it written down at home. He asked why he's begin grilled there. Howard sake whose side of the family it's on. Scott said that it's on his father's side of the family. Howard said this is smelling like bullshit to him.
Howard told Scott to swear on his son's life that he's going to the wedding. Scott said he won't do that. Howard said he did it last time. Scott said he's not going to do that ever again. Howard said he would bet that he's not going to a wedding. Shuli said he doesn't think so either. Howard said maybe they can put a camera on him.
Jon Leiberman was willing to cover the wedding. Gary said Howard TV said they'd cover the wedding for free. Howard said that there is no wedding. Scott just let them goof on him. Howard said the cousin's name is Sal T Balls.
Howard said when you get in on a business deal like this you can't just back out. Scott said he isn't backing out. He said that this was a weekend he had a problem with. Howard said they're selling shows based on the three guys. He said that he can't just back out like that. Ronnie said they have Debbie the Pet Lady now and they'll book some shows with her instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Scott shouldn't get paid $80 to be at the whole show never mind the flight. Howard said that he's right. He said he stands there doing nothing. Ronnie said this whole thing was Scott's idea. Scott said that's not true.
Shuli said Howard is fascinated that Scott does nothing at the show. He said he is too. He said he stands there wondering when he's going to do something. He never does.
Howard said they should have a camera on Scott the whole time. He wants to be fun but he's not. He said it's like when they used to make Richard Nixon try to smile. He said Scott has nothing to say and nothing to do.
Howard told Scott to just admit he's not going to a wedding. Scott finally admitted it. Howard asked why they deal with him. Scott said this has nothing to do with money. Ronnie said that this was all his idea! Scott said he has a personal issue he has to deal with. Howard said Scott lied to these guys. Scott said he's sorry about that. He said he has some personal issues to deal with that weekend. Howard said that's bullshit.
Howard said Scott made a deal with these dudes to make extra money. He said they book one in Arizona and it's a big trip. Ronnie said they have to go to Chicago and then Arizona. He said it's a big trip. Howard said that Scott is thinking it's not enough money. Scott said he's going to San Francisco and that's a long flight. Scott said he has personal issues to deal with. He said he can't do the show. That's it. Howard said of course he has personal issues.
Shuli said that JD is going to go instead. He said if he had to cancel the shows then they all lose money. Howard said it's his credibility too. Scott said they didn't have to cancel any shows. Howard said this is what Jackie used to do to the show. He said that he'd leave the show for months and then just come back.
Scott said he has a personal issue and he's going to leave it at that. Shuli said that he almost backed out of the Connecticut shows a few weeks ago. He said that if he had made it to the finals in the bowling tournament he was going to back out of that show. Scott said it was a joke because there was no chance he was going to make it to the finals.
Howard and Fred did this Scott impressions and goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Howard made up all kinds of excuses that Scott could use for backing out of that trip.
Shuli said he can't believe he's part of this whole thing. He said it's insanity. Shuli said he did this whole thing for Scott to shut him up about not having money.
The caller was saying that Robin's laugh is pretty emasculating. Robin was cracking up at what Howard and Fred were saying about Scott. Howard said you can't go back on your word when they go into business together. Howard said he guarantees Scott has nothing going on that day. He said he guarantees it. Shuli said if you call his house he'll be there the whole day.
Ronnie said if Scott sees a black vehicle with a camera in it shooting video, just know it's them. Scott said he'll call the police then.
Shuli said Scott is running the show off his iPhone and the guys at these events look at them like ''This is a show?'' He said that Scott carries all of his stuff in a plastic shopping bag. Scott said he'll bring a laptop instead next time.
Howard asked Scott how many sounds he has on his phone. The caller said it's probably 6. Shuli said he's probably right. Howard said Scott doesn't spend any time working on this stuff. Fred played the ''Hands Up'' song as they were talking about that stuff.
Shuli told Howard the way things run when Scott is there. He said that everyone wonders what the hell Scott is doing up there. Howard said it must be fun to watch. Shuli said it really is fun. He said he has fun on the road with them. He said he has fun on the road with these guys.
Shuli said he'll prank Ronnie in the car and pretend to be crashing while he's sleeping. Ronnie said he could die from a heart attack in the car.
Howard played some audio of Scott on stage at a show he was at with Artie Lange. Scott was trying to be funny but there was no laughter. Howard said he was losing the audience in that clip. Shuli said you can't pause for a second with an audience like that.
Howard played more of Scott's act and it just wasn't funny. Howard said the best line was when he gets no respect. Shuli said it's too bad he stole that line. The audience was booing Scott as he tried to get them on his side. Scott was trying to tell some jokes and they weren't going over very well.
The caller said he thinks that Scott should do a set at every show. He said he'd be worth the $80 if he did that.
Howard said Scott could write a few lines. He said he can come up with some stories. Ronnie said the funny thing is watching Shuli laughing at Scott when he comes out on stage for the first time.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and sharing their story. Howard did more of his Scott impression and goofed on him for a little longer. He said he had a picture of Ronnie from the time they scared him in the car. Everyone was laughing. Shuli said that Scott knew they were going to do that and he got scared anyway. He said he screamed like he was really terrified. Ronnie said he was out cold and he really was scared.
Howard said he heard that Jason is upset that he isn't part of the block party. Shuli and Ronnie said they didn't know he wanted to be part of it.
Jason came in and Howard told him he really has to lose some weight. Howard said he's a good worker but he's a fucking mess. Howard said he's too big and he has to stop it already with the fast food. Howard asked if he's killing himself.
Ronnie said that Howard was talking Jason up at dinner one night. Howard said he doesn't' like his guys to know what he thinks of them. He said that he really has to cut the bullshit. Howard told him to do weed just once a week. Howard said Shuli can smoke as much as he wants since he's not fat. Howard said Jason has to get out and walk around.
Gary said that Jason does that Fat Guy show and some of his friends have told him that he's going to die if he doesn't get thin. Howard said Jason isn't going to live to go to high places there in his organization. Howard said he has to work on that.
Jason said he knows what Scott gets paid so he wants to make that kind of money. Scott said Shuli shouldn't go around telling people what he gets paid. Shuli said maybe he lies. Scott was getting in his face about this. Shuli said that his personal issues could end up costing them all money. Scott said if he doesn't like it then he can fire him. Shuli said that he's getting shaken down for money so that's when he's going to tell people the kind of money he's getting shaken down for.
Shuli said that Scott knew he had him over the coals and he shook him down for a show. He said that he wanted more money and that's that. Scott said he didn't shake him down. Howard said it is a shakedown. He said Scott was out of line. Shuli said that he does an hour on stage and Scott does maybe 10 minutes max. Shuli ended up yelling at Scott to do his six songs and take a shit load of money for it. He said he won't find that kind of money anywhere else.
Scott told Shuli not to do an hour if he doesn't want to. Shuli said he has to do an hour for the people who paid to see them. Shuli said that they were going to make good money on the Connecticut show and Scott almost fucked them out of that.
Shuli said he told Jason about the money after that shakedown thing. He said Jason didn't go out and tell people how much it was. He said he thought maybe it was him and maybe he interpreted it the wrong way. He said Jason felt it was a shakedown too. He said he was pissed because they're all on the same team and they could all be making money. He said that Scott is making it so it's fucking all of them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie shouldn't be sleeping on the plane when they're flying. Ronnie said there are 12 people on the plane and it's a private jet. The caller said he didn't know that. He said he should be paying attention to what he's doing. Howard said Ronnie does a really good job. He really did.
Howard said he's going to end this. He said when you go into business with someone you can't back out. He said you have to be up front with your partners. Howard said you have to be in it to win it. Howard said to go on stage for 6 minutes and get paid close to $1000, that's a good deal. Howard said he's doing okay with the money. Howard said he could make some real money over the course of a year. Howard said you can't lie to your partners though.
Howard said he knows that Scott would figure out a way to go bowling if he had to go bowling this weekend. He said this is the franchise and it's work. He said he's not sure how else to say it. Howard said he's not sure what to say to Shuli. Scott said they have a booker who takes care of all of that. It's not all Shuli.
The guys were talking about the flight with the legroom issue. Ronnie said that Scott always gets an aisle seat. Scott said he didn't have an aisle seat on one flight. Scott said he's not making any demands and he's willing to pay for an upgrade if he has to. He said he told the promoter that. Ronnie said that's not what he heard.
Jon Leiberman said that they heard that he demanded a seat and Scott did not offer to pay. He said that they were assuming it would be taken out of the travel budget. Scott said he didn't demand. He said he would like an aisle seat or an exit row. He said he just wanted more leg room.
Howard said these guys should sit down as businessmen and discuss what they need and work it out. He said this was a fascinating glimpse into the business.
Ronnie said they're going to do a show in Jamaica and he's sure that Scott won't be able to make it. Scott said he doesn't even know the date yet. Ronnie said it's next March. Scott said he's going to be able to go. Ronnie said this guy is going to sell tickets to a resort and they'll do the block party show. Scott said he's going to make it. Howard said he can't have a family thing come up last minute.
Howard asked Jason what he would do at the show. Jason said he's given it zero thought so far but if he was on the show he would come up with something. Shuli said that's perfect.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jason has already put more into it than Scott has. Shuli said that Jason if funny and he has no problem giving him a shot. The caller said he would like that. Scott told them to go ahead and try it.
Jason said that they do charge for extra leg room on a flight. He said that if Scott calls about that then he knows it's going to cost more. Scott said he doesn't know that. Howard said he thinks he's done with this. He has to take a break so he wrapped up the segment and went to break.
Howard had a few more ideas but he had to get Jon Hein in there. Jon came in and ran down his list of subjects for today's Wrap Up Show. He started to go through some stuff but Howard had more ideas for Jann.
Howard said maybe he can write ''Jann, please don't masturbate to my picture.'' Gary thought that was too racy for him. Howard said that Jann is rock and roll so he'd be okay with it. Robin voted no. Fred and Jon said yes. Benjy said they should go for more stuff. Howard said he lost track of the voting. Robin said she thinks it's a tie.
Jon finished up his preview and mentioned Scott's lie in there. That led to Robin and Howard talking about that for a short time.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to talk about tonight's Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said they'll talk about Debbie the Pet Lady and Scott's lie today. The show is on at 7 tonight on Howard 101.
Howard said no one can sell records anymore. He said it's the occasional Lady Gaga or Adele. Robin said even they don't sell albums the way they used to sell albums. Howard said he sees these singers on AGT and he wonders what he can do with them. He said Howie and Sharon voted down a 16 year old that was pretty great in his opinion. He said he thinks he could get somewhere if they just let him judge. Robin said she heard that Howard fought for an act and they wound up not being that great. Howard said he was humiliated by that. He said he thought they were going to be great but he was wrong. Howard said he had voted someone off and Howie thought they were good. Howard said they were on his mind and he thought maybe he wasn't fair to them. Howard said he felt they were worth listening to again. He asked the producers to bring them back. It turns out he was wrong. He said he started yelling at them because they were so bad.
Howard said he thinks that most people will agree with him as the judge. He said he's the guy that they'll wait for. Howard said he's billed as the voice of reason on the show. Robin said it may not end up being that way when the show finally hits the air.
Howard said he has fun with Howie and Sharon. Robin said that's what she's heard. Robin said she heard it isn't the same show anymore. Howard said it's definitely not. Howard said they're all very passionate about the whole thing. Howard said they may have found ''the act'' that they were looking for. Howard said he can't really talk about it though.
Howard ended up talking about how his dad wasn't very supportive of him when he was growing up. He said his dad would tell him he was no good at anything he tried. He did his impression of him for a short time.
Robin asked Howard if he has any advice for Oprah. Howard said he'd give her the same advice he gave her when she took $50 million from XM. He said that she had no business running a network. He said that she doesn't want to work anymore and she's just taking the money. Howard said you can't just take it. He said they thought that Oprah was going to get huge ratings with this network. Howard said no one can find the channel. Robin said there is no content on it.
Howard said he doesn't take advice from the fans for what he puts on. He said if they don't like what they hear then they're not in sync with him. Howard said he figured out what to play on the channels and went with that. Howard said he felt confident. Howard said he didn't stand around waiting for someone to tell him what to do or who to be. Howard said Oprah should just know what to put on that network. She's really just taking the money. Howard said if she wanted to start a network she should have put her name on it and left the rest of the network the same. Howard said they had a network and things in place and she blew it out of the water.
Howard said they brought in a network guy but they got rid of him. You have to give it time and give it like 3 or 4 years before firing everyone.
Howard said they put Rosie on the network and it didn't work. Howard said Rosie was very gracious about the whole thing. Howard said what he'd do is tell it like it is and how you need time to develop a show. Howard said Rosie took it well though. Howard said they're probably going to pay her off for 3 years. Robin said they say that Rosie and Oprah aren't speaking anymore. Howard had some audio of Rosie talking about the show and ho much faith Oprah had in her.
Gary said Jon Hein was telling him that Oprah is on everywhere with that network. That's not a normal thing with a cable channel. He said she had huge exposure. Howard said when E! came to him about doing a show they were only on in like 45% of the country. Howard said he told them his plan to help them and they used that to become what they became.
Howard said Oprah should come back and do her own show again. Howard played some of Rosie's comments about her show and why things didn't work out. She thanked Oprah and thanked the people who were part of the show. Robin said that she read that Oprah wasn't in the mood to have a lengthy conversation with Oprah and just said ''okay'' to her and that was that.
Robin said that they say Oprah is after Maria Shriver now. Howard said he heard that Maria and Arnold are trying to get back together. He said if they put that on TV he'd be there every time. Howard said they could have Maria, Arnold and the maid on a show arguing about today's topics. Howard made up a conversation they could have. Howard said he knew that Oprah was in trouble when she said that she wasn't going to do shows that were negative on her network.
Howard came up with an idea for the Maria and Arnold show. He said that they could have a blind fold oral sex test. Arnold would have to guess who's blowing him between the maid and Maria. Howard did his Arnold impression and said ''Too much teeth... must be Maria.'' Howard had a few more ideas for ''Arnold, Maria and The Maid.'' He jokingly said that it turns out the Maid knocked up Maria with a turkey baster and that child isn't Arnold's. Howard said maybe they could ask the maid and Maria questions about Arnold. He said he thinks the maid would win.
Robin read about a new bumper sticker that's out that says ''2012 Don't Re-Nig.'' Howard asked who would put that on their car. He said someone is going to fuck your car up if you do that. Robin said there's a woman who is selling the bumper sticker and she says that the N-word doesn't mean black. She thinks it means that it's a low down, lazy person and there is no reference to black. Howard said she's got some fucked up dictionary. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the break, around 9:45am, Robin got back to her news and read about today being Kick Butt day. Robin said it's the day to quit smoking. Robin read about some statistics that show poor people smoke even more than people with money.
Robin read about the catholic church vowing to keep up the fight against same sex marriage in Maryland. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard said many of these guys are gay and they get upset that other gay people are out of the closet and they don't want them having fun.
Robin had some audio of a guy talking about a march that was held for a guy who was attacked when he got out of a cab just for being gay.
Robin read about a guy who was castrated for reporting a priest for sexual abuse. Robin said they say that he went through a chemical castration to treat him for homosexuality. Howard said that's such a beautiful story. Howard said they really need to clean up the church. He said they're worried about abortion when they should be cleaning up the church from stuff like this. Howard went right into a live commercial after that.
Robin read about Mitt Romney winning the primary in Illinois last night. Robin had some audio clips from some people about that. Robin had some audio of someone talking about what Santorum said about how he doesn't care what the unemployment rate is going to be. This guy explained why Santorum said that and tried to explain what he was really trying to say.
Robin read about Ron Paul being on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and how he came in third in Illinois. Robin had some audio of Ron Paul on the Tonight Show talking to Jay.
Robin read about this soldier, Robert Bales, who shot up some civilians in Afghanistan. Howard said that this guy should get some mercy. He said they do say that War is Hell and you don't know what's going through this guy's head after suffering a brain injury. Howard said that the guys in the military are just as much to blame. He said they knew he was ill and having trouble but they sent him to do a fourth tour of duty. Howard said he knows he did wrong but this guy cracked. Howard said from what he reads about his family they're perplexed by this too. Howard said these guys don't know what's going on in people's heads after going to war. Robin said the military is looking at it a different way. They just say you don't screw up. Robin said people who shoot up schools don't deserve mercy. Howard said they didn't go to war. Howard said they did give this guy mercy because they didn't leave him in Afghanistan. Robin had some audio clips of some people talking about this case. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin mentioned that HBO has a movie called ''Game Change'' running and it's about Sarah Palin and the 2008 election. Howard said that the woman playing Palin really looks like her. Robin said that they almost portray her as a retarded person in the movie. Howard said she's hot physically. Howard said Michelle Bachman is too but both of them are off their rockers. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that movie and what goes on in it. Howard wondered how long McCain took to figure out that she was no good. Robin said they basically show that he had nothing to do with her. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about some protesters that were arrested in Union Square Park and people are saying the cops were being abusive. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin mentioned that Peyton Manning has signed with the Denver Broncos. Robin said they've signed him for 5 years. That led to Gary and Howard talking about football for a minute.
Robin said that Heinz Ward is ending his career by retiring from the NFL. Robin had some audio of him making that announcement. He was breaking down crying. Howard asked if it's really that emotional. He said they should grow up already.
Howard said he was talking to his mom last night and he told her to watch Dancing with the Stars. She told him it wasn't on. Howard said he was wrong. Howard said he told her he fast forwards through a lot of the acts. He said she told him that they loved the show. Howard said he thought some of them were boring. Howard said she says ''what'' like she cant hear but she's really just reacting to his answer. He said that they love the show and they watch all of it. Howard said his parents walk around the block and act like they just did a marathon. He said that his mother told him that his dad's back has been bothering him. Howard did an impression of his dad asking who is on the phone and saying ''What!?'' when he can't hear. Howard said his mom told him he's going to go for acupuncture. Howard said he doesn't need that. He doesn't need a shot either. Howard said that's what he wants to do so he's going to do it. Howard said they have to exercise together so if his dad doesn't get out then his mom will turn into a bowling ball.
Robin had Howard play more of Heinz Ward's comments about retiring. Howard said he has to get a grip on himself. He has to stop crying over football.
Robin read about the movie The Hunger Games. Howard said he was invited to see a screening. Robin said they think that it might be the next big franchise. Robin said it's based on some books and they are getting a lot of hype about it. Howard asked if she saw ''John Carter.'' Robin said she didn't and she didn't care about the previews. She said that she didn't know what was going on. Howard said he'll buy it when it comes out on DVD. Robin said she may look at it eventually but it didn't get her excited. Robin had some audio of someone from The Hunger Games talking to David Letterman about what it's about. Howard said it sounds boring based on her description. Robin said that Lenny Kravitz is in that movie too. Robin had some audio of him talking about the movie.
Robin asked what the fascination is with finding Amelia Earhart's plane crash is. She said that they're reviving the effort because a new clue has come to light. Robin said that they're going to pay for it with a private fund. Howard thanked Robin for the news and ended the show around 10:20am.
Jason said that if you can't go to the thing for something he can't talk about then he shouldn't go on the air at all. He said it just makes it worse when you go on the air.
Jon said that the weird thing was that the block party started for Scott and now he's become expendable. He said that people want to come see him and they're paying good money for it. Jason said the fact that Ronnie and Scott are making money is like a dream for them. He said Scott should be really thankful that people are paying to see him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Scott said he doesn't know. He said that he did have a personal issue and he didn't want to get into it so he covered it up with something else. Jason said that was a smart move, it really worked. Scott told him to shut up. Benjy asked if he tried to find a wedding to go to. Scot said he didn't.
Benjy asked if the personal issue is something he'd be comfortable telling them off the air. Gary said he has an idea of what it is. Scott said he's pretty sure he doesn't. Gary said he won't get into it by even mentioning what it is.
Shuli said regardless of what it is he doesn't really care. He said he just wants him to be up front with them so they all know where they stand.
Gary asked Scott if he thinks that he's pigeon holed being difficult or is he really difficult. Scott doesn't think he's difficult. He said he's really not. Gary asked Shuli if he's difficult. Shuli said he's anal and that might be what people are describing as difficult.
Gary said that Scott really drove Shuli to the edge today. Shuli said he hates yelling and being that way but he really did push him. Shuli said that Gary has said he doesn't know how he deals with it and he just blew his stack today. He said he had shit on his chest.
Gary said that Shuli put his hand in the cage and got bit. Shuli said the problem is that Jason came in and broke the meter on his anger meter.
Jon said there is always a bit of truth behind the ball breaking. He said he'd like to know how these guys handle it. Jon said that Scott was very angry today too. He asked what it is that's getting him so upset. Scott said no one should know what he makes. He said that's between them. He said if he tells Shuli to keep it between them and he goes and blabs it to someone then it's a problem. Shuli said there's a problem when he lies to his face. Scott said that he should be fine with it when he tells him he's just not going. Shuli said he lied to him though.
Ronnie asked why Scott is so angry right now. Scott said he's not. Ronnie figured something happened. Scott said nothing happened.
Shuli said that Jason knows a lot about his life and he talks to him about a lot of stuff. Jason said that he wasn't going to go to the news about this whole thing. He said he won't do that. Shuli said they all have dirt on each other. Jason said that he just borough it up because he was just saying he wouldn't turn down that kind of money.
Shuli said he was bouncing some stuff off of Jason and that's all he was doing. He said he didn't want to throw anyone under the bus. Shuli said he didn't break down what they make every weekend. He said he doesn't want the numbers on the air though.
Jason said that Shuli can stop him anytime he wants. He said that Scott and Ronnie get paid a flat rate. He said he only knows that flat fee. They can make more if they sell out the show. He said he doesn't know what else they're making. Shuli said that with the deal they have it's actually possible that he won't get paid. Ronnie and Scott get paid no matter what.
Jon said the ball busting can turn to anger pretty quick there. Ronnie said he saw it when Scott got his hair up in the air about the money they make. Ronnie said that he's fine with that whole thing but Scott gets really upset about it. He said he's just trying to have fun with the show. He said the fans love the show and some people are taking it too seriously. Ronnie said there's a lot of turmoil there and Shuli is getting fed up with Scott's shit.
Benjy said he thinks of Ronnie and Scott as one of the show couples. Gary said he thinks there was a falling out there. Ronnie said there was no falling out with Scott. That's all he's going to say. He said that personal thing involved is the issue but that's not between him and Scott. He said he won't even give his opinion on what the personal issue might be because he doesn't want to get him in trouble.
Gary said he thinks of the personal appearances money as free money. He said when the show ends that money won't be there. He asked why it's not easy. Scott said that he has fun doing it. Gary said he doesn't think of Scott as having fun. Gary said he's not sure he's really enjoying them. Scott said he really does. Shuli said he sounds like a hostage reading off a piece of paper.
Gary said that Ronnie will come off a weekend and say he had a blast when he asks how it was. He said he's never heard Scott say he had a blast. He said he never hears a story or even him saying he had a good time. Scott said he has fun doing it. Ronnie said he would interpret this whole thing but he can't. He said he just can't do it. Gary said he knows what he's talking about. Benjy said everyone knows what he's referring to.
Jon said that one thing is part of this mix. He asked what else is preventing Scott from enjoying this thing. Ronnie said he would enjoy it if he could interpret what the problem is.
Jason said that it looks like Scott is having fun at the shows but he's supposed to observe and report back after the shows. Gary said that's everyone's job there.
Shuli said that he was ready to cancel the show after the bad one they had. Then they did another show and sold it out and it was a lot of fun. He said that they kept it going after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Scott is really going to be miserable if he's fired from the shows. Jon asked Shuli if that could happen. Shuli said that he isn't looking to fire Scott. Ronnie said they think Scott is going to quit. Gary said his theory is that if they weren't selling tickets then they'd fire him. The turmoil is helping to sell tickets. Shuli said that's true.
Jon said if they had someone fill Scott's spot then it might not sell as much. Shuli said that Ronnie and Scott are the book ends and the middle is 3 comics. He said that they get to see Ronnie and Scott as the people from the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who mentioned JD being a problem on the show. Shuli said it's like pulling teeth with him. Ronnie said all he has to do is go tell JD he's doing the show and he'll do it. Benjy said that JD has said he doesn't want to do it though. Gary said JD doesn't really want to step in for Scott though. Shuli said it's like free money so that's just weird. They had to take another break after that.
Jason said that Howard had a look in his eye today that scared him. He said he was serious about the weight loss thing. Ronnie said he was there for the dinner thing and this all came up. He said that Gary was there with them and they were talking about Jason and things they have in mind for him. Jason said that's very nice to hear and he's not blowing it off. He said he can put his mind to it and lose the weight. Gary said he heard that friends of his have been talking to him about the Fat Guy show. Jason said they have. He said they don't want that image for him and they don't want him living his life as a fat guy.
Jon said that Jason is kind of glorifying the fat thing with that show. Gary said he is embracing it and giving suggestions on how to be a fat guy. Jason said that more Americans are overweight than not. He said that's what his show is about.
Jon asked if Scott's name came up in that conversation in Austin. Ronnie asked why he had to bring that up. He said his name didn't come up.
Jon asked Ronnie about Debbie the Pet Lady and what was going on with her. Ronnie said he heard she crawled out of the elevator. He said she went off on him when he told her she can't crawl around. Ronnie said that she was screaming at him and he just stayed calm with her. He said she came in and she started all over and went off on everyone.
Jon said she really did go off on everyone. Gary said she appears to like him though. He said she called once and got through to him so she likes him.
Jon asked Gary why he finds her so fascinating. Gary said she reminds him of his mother. He said that his mother would go through manic phases like that and he's used to it. He said it's like white noise to him now so he can handle it.
Benjy asked if he thinks that it's a mental illness. Gary said that she has moments of lucidity and she can control it to a certain extent. Ronnie said when she came out of the studio she was screaming but when he told her that he wanted to make her part of the block party she calmed right down. Gary said there's no way they could take her on the show and do that. He said they'd need to lock her in a sound proof booth. Ronnie said that she will be at one of their shows. They had to end the show a short time later.
In the clip Howard was asking Gary about some stuff he was supposed to do and Gary was falling behind. Howard wanted an audio clip and Gary wasn't getting it for him. Gary asked Robin not to yell at him with Howard. Howard told Gary he shouldn't be in that room. He should be getting stuff done. Gary said he knows. He stuck around and Howard went off on him about some other stuff. Howard said Gary had this folder with stuff in it. He said he has a schedule for what he has coming up for the year. He said he told Gary to get over there and pull the tape and he still doesn't have it.
Robin said she stops at a place to pick up her papers in the morning and they didn't have the Daily News for her. She said you'd think they'd have that stuff ready.
Howard said he has Gary there to make sure he gets the stuff he needs on time. Howard said he met Gary when he was like 19 and now he's 30. He said the whole concept of a Gary is so he can throw stuff on him and he can get it together for him. He said he's always catching him not doing stuff and Gary always tells him it's just one thing.
Howard said he saw Scott wandering the halls yesterday and he should have been getting this stuff done. Howard goofed on Gary and the stuff he was telling him about getting this stuff done. Howard said when he was putting together Crucified by the FCC he told him he had extra work but he really didn't. He just had to go through the logs and tell him what to pull.
Howard said Gary would freak out if he asked him to work weekends. Gary came in and Howard tried to get him to repeat after him. Gary said this isn't happening. Howard told him to repeat. Gary refused. Howard kept it up trying to get him to say ''I...'' Gary said it's just not happening. Howard wanted him to say he doesn't understand. Gary wouldn't repeat so Howard told him to leave. Gary said he has something that's good for the show. Howard kept trying. Gary stayed quiet. Then he hit Jackie who was laughing the whole time.
Howard said Gary isn't allowed back in until he repeats. He was cracking up because he had just hit Jackie in the back of the head. Robin said he hit him on the shoulder and then in the back of the head. Howard said Gary must not want to learn.
Howard said Fred was running late and he told Gary to call him. Howard said Gary told him Fred gets mad so he didn't want to call. Howard told Gary to come in and repeat again. Gary ended up repeating after Howard. He only said a couple of the things Howard told him to say. Howard told him to repeat ''I just don't understand. I am not important. I do not take my job seriously. It's not done. That's impossible.'' Gary did repeat a couple of those. Howard said he should say he's an idiot too. Howard said Gary just forgot. That's alright.
Howard brought up that folder thing that Gary showed him. He said that Gary was acting like it was an AIDS cure or something. Howard said that Gary showed him the accordion folder and made it seem like it was a huge deal. Gary said he was just showing how he was organizing himself. Howard said he's happy that he's finally done that. It took long enough.
Howard said he got Gary a computer but he won't take the time to learn the system. He said he could check the features every day and find out what they have coming up. He said he bought that folder instead. Howard did his impression of Gary and said ''Boss, I just invented the wheel.'' Gary said he's leaving now. Howard kept going and goofed on him some more about the file. Howard did his impression of him telling him how he can use this schedule. Howard said he just told him to organize himself and not bother him.
Howard said Gary showed him the April guests and he pulled out this raggy piece of paper. Howard said he was thrilled. He said it really is great that he's doing this.
Howard said he's scared of Gary for being so amazed by a file folder. Robin said it was like a light bulb went off over his head. Gary asked what would happen if he hadn't found that folder. Howard said things would be the same and he'd yell at him. Gary said he just told him that there's no way to win. Howard said he was yelling at him in a good way. He's happy he found that folder.
Jackie asked where Fred is. Howard said he told Gary to call and find out where Fred keeps the theme song. He said Gary told him that Fred was in the shower. Howard said he can't believe Fred was late and taking a shower. He said he should skip the shower. Howard said it's like Gary skipping brushing his teeth. Gary said he never skips that.
Howard said Fred knew this morning was important because he has a bit that's not complete. He said he's going to play that for them next.
Fred walked in a few seconds later. Howard said Gary is really mad at Fred. Howard told Fred to go down and cut a line for the bit. Howard said Fred didn't shower either. He said Gary was wrong about that. Gary said he's not sure what another 5 minutes would matter if you're late already. Jackie said he just splashes some water on himself and then comes to work if he's late. Howard said it's gross but just get to work on time. Howard asked why Eric Clapton's kid couldn't have fallen on Gary.
Win Fred's Money. 3/22/01. 8:30am
Howard had more $10,000 prizes to give away this morning so they had this guy Jamie Hanson come in to try and win against Fred. This time the money is courtesy of CBS.SportsLine.com. Jamie told Howard that he works in the banking industry and he had the chance to try out for Gary's job years ago when Howard first went to WNBC. He decided not to try out for the job though. Howard told him he was smart because the radio industry is full of weirdos.
Howard quickly got to the game and sent Fred off to the sound proof booth. He then asked Jamie 7 questions. Whoever got the most right in the least amount of time would win. Here are the questions:
Gary came in and said that next week two celebrities will be playing Win Fred's Money. Steven Weber and Debbie Gibson will both be in to compete against Fred.
Fat Star Jones Picture, Phony Arnold Call And Gary Garver Interviews George Takei. 03/22/04. 7:25am
Howard finally got to the tape of Gary Garver interviewing George Takei. Garver was on the line and told Howard that Takei was doing a lecture about internment camps. Howard played the tape after that. Garver asked Takei about how long he was in the internment camps and if he's still angry about having been there. Garver was in the middle of his interview when some people interrupted him and said that they're going to see him when he does an appearance out in Arkansas. Howard didn't even know what they were talking about when they interrupted Takei.
Artie was doing his impression of Takei while they were playing the tape. He goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Garver then asks Takei if he thinks there will ever be peace on Earth. Takei was having problems with his voice and kept clearing his throat. Takei made a little speech about how we can try to make peace on this world.
Garver asked Takei what kind of dog he would suggest for small child. Takei told Garver that he had a mongrel when he was a young boy. Garver then asked him if he was offended by Janet Jackson's breast. Takei recognized Garver after that and said he was going to end the interview. He kept going with the interview though and answered a few more questions. Garver asked him if he ever studied the art of Bukkake and then asked him if he's ever cried. He also asked him what he thinks of Howard Stern. Takei said that Howard is a wild man who appeals to millions and millions of people but he didn't want to support him in any way, he just wanted to move on to say hello to some of the people who were there to talk to him. Howard said he could listen to that guy all day long.
In the clip Howard was talking to Emo Phillips about the women he got when he was growing up. Howard said he would go to women and tell them that it was going to be great and he'd have to beg them to do it. Howard said he had to get a yes answer. He said you can't force someone physically though. He said you have to work your way into it. Robin said Howard is a nice guy and a lot of guys just won't listen to you.
Howard said he was at third base with one girl and she said to him that she doesn't do that on the first date when he wanted to have sex. He said he was doing just about everything to her already. He said she just didn't go all the way on the first date. Howard said he knew she was ready to go too. Howard said she didn't want it so he backed off. He said he could have kept pushing but he backed off.
Howard said he drove the girl to her apartment and said he could take her out on a second date later if she wanted to do it that way. Howard said he had to wait for a real second date.
Robin said Jackie thinks if you make out with a girl then she's going to go all the way. Howard said Jackie doesn't have any perception of reality. Jackie said he has more of a perception than Howard does. Howard said he had more sex than Jackie did. Jackie said he had more in a week than Howard had in his whole life. Jackie said Howard has had only 3 women that they call on the air all the time.
Howard said Jackie had a parade of drunken amputees. He said that they haven't met all of the women he's had. Howard said he had a few that won't come on the air. Howard said he's seen the mess that Jackie has had. Howard said they're drunken vomit women.
Howard said he continues to nag and he will wear Robin down. Howard said she would have sex with him just to shut him up.
Jackie said he knows how to do it without nagging. He said you fondle and make out with them. Howard said he's heard the stories about Jackie's ''sex.'' He said he's in a car urinating out the window and pouring it on his mother's face.
Howard said Fred actually respects women. He said he talks to them. Howard laughed. He said that men and women don't have anything in common. Emo said he's had sex and he can hold his own.
Robin asked if anyone has had date rape as it's defined. Howard said he had a woman who had a great set of jugs. He said he was making out and fondling her. Emo's voice changed when he heard that. Howard pointed that out and did an impression of that. Howard said he was making out with this girl and he got to third base. Emo asked why he always does it in a ball park. Howard went on and said this girl told him she didn't want to go all the way. Howard said she knew it was going to be a one night stand. Howard said her breasts smelled but she was a good looking girl. Howard said maybe she was just having a rough day. Howard said he told the girl that they should just do it. She said no so he went at it for like 10 minutes. He berated her some more but she didn't cave in. Howard said he asked her to do something for him. She did something. He said Robin must know what she did. Robin figured it out. Howard said he left and never saw her again.
Robin said Howard is a cad but not a rapist. Howard said he was proud of himself for not pushing that girl too far. Howard said he could have kept them all rolling around.
Howard said his father said he married his mother when she was only 18. He said his father may have been a virgin when he married her. Howard said he finds that hard to believe but it's possible.
In the clip Howard said he was going to try and take some calls from some pregnant teens. Howard picked up and had a girl on the line who said that she was pregnant. She was a college girl going to Beaver College. Howard asked if they teach you to shave there. She said it used to be an all girls school too.
Howard took another call from a girl who said she listens almost every day and she's a teen. She said she was pregnant at 17. She had the baby. Howard asked when she lost her virginity. She said it was at 14. Howard said that's pretty young. Howard said she must have really wanted it. The girl said she had sex with a guy she thought was her true love. He's the father of her child. She said that she was with him from 14-16 and he's a year and a half older than she is. Howard asked if the sex was good. She said it was alright. Howard said he gives this kid 1 in 10 odds. She kept the child and said it was very difficult to do. She said it's been tough but she's got a man now. She said she's 19 now.
Howard asked the girl about how the love making came about. She said it was peer pressure that led to sex. Howard asked if she had sex with more than one partner. She said she didn't. She said that a few of her friends had babies too.
Howard asked what she looks like. She described herself and asked if her breasts had developed yet. She said that they did and she's a 38-C. Howard said she must be very feminine. She said she is. Howard asked if she drank. She said she did. Howard said he doesn't want this to happen to another woman, that's why he's asking all of these questions.
Howard asked about the girl's measurements and if she dirt danced at parties. She said she didn't dance. She said she didn't go to a lot of parties. She said she wasn't a real social person. Howard asked if she went to school parties. She said she would do that. Howard asked what she wore in school and if she ever went braless. She said she didn't do that.
Howard asked how the boyfriend got her to have sex. She said her boyfriend kind of pushed her into it. Howard asked about the first time they made love. She said it was at his house and his parents were right downstairs at the time. She told Howard what she did and how she got pushed into it. Howard asked if she had a daughter or a son. She said she has a daughter.
Howard asked how many times they had sex that day. She said it was once or twice. She said it was really awkward. She said she doesn't think the parents knew what was going on. They had sex on the floor. Howard asked if they have any home movies of the sex. She said she doesn't think so. Howard said he's putting together a movie about teen pregnancy so he's looking for film.
Howard asked what happened when she got pregnant. She said the father is in the military and he's not around there anymore. She said she hates him now. She said he doesn't support his own child. Howard said he had to go a short time later. Howard told her to try to remember what she was wearing next time she calls in. Howard said he likes this caller. He said he didn't want to throw that word ''love'' around with her.
Howard asked what the baby does all day. She said she takes care of it all day. She works at night. Howard said she should have given it up for adoption. She said it was a very difficult decision to make. Howard let her go a short time later. Howard said with his luck that'll be his kids calling some radio show and telling stories about sex.
Howard took a call from a girl who said she's a teen who got pregnant at 14. She didn't have the baby. Howard said he can't blame her. Howard found out she started having sex at 13. Howard said she must want to talk this thing through with him.
The caller said she went to a place where she thought she could get an abortion but it turned out to be a right to life place. She said that they were calling her at home calling her a murderer and she was afraid that they were going to tell her parents. Howard said they should have a sign outside saying they're a right to life place. Howard asked if she knew who the daddy was. She said she did. Howard asked if he was the first guy she was ever with. She said he was and she was in love. Howard said he was in love with just about any girl he was around when he was that age. Howard said he was a very confused young man.
Howard asked the woman how old the guy was. She said he was like 16. Howard asked if he told all of his friends too. She said he did. Howard asked where the sex happened. She said they were drinking at a party and they went for a ride in the guy's car. Howard asked how he had a car at 16. She wasn't sure about that. She said that he had a license at 16. Howard said she isn't in New York then. She lived in the Philadelphia area. Howard asked what kind of car it was. She wasn't sure. She said it was some kind of Land Rover kind of thing.
Howard asked who the girl looks like. She said she wasn't sure. She said she's kind of tall and skinny. She said she's almost 6 feet tall. Howard said it's no wonder she's having so much sex. she's so tall she can't see what's going on down there. He said now he knows why she was in a Land Rover.
Robin asked how late this girl was out. She said it was after midnight. Howard asked if she was smoking marijuana. She said she wasn't doing that. Howard asked how much she drank. She said she had like 3 beers. Howard asked if she knew what was going to happen. She said she kind of knew. The caller said she was wearing a short skirt that night. Howard asked if she's fully developed. She said she's not really. She said she's really skinny. Howard asked if the caller was wearing a mini-skirt. She told Howard that his kids are going to go through this one day too. Howard said he doesn't let his kids stay out that late. He said he watches that kid like a hawk.
Howard said that this girl sounds like she looks like a pipe cleaner with pubic hair. Howard said he's just trying to find out how a girl goes astray. Howard asked if they were dirty dancing. She said they were kind of. She said they were slow dancing. Howard told her that maybe she should abstain from sex. Howard said she doesn't know what she's doing. Howard asked if she's still having sex. Robin said they say that once you start you can't stop. Howard said it's like that saying ''Once you go black, you never go back.''
The caller said there's a lot of pressure. She said that she just got swept away with this guy. She said she felt good and she just went with it. Robin said nature just took its course. She didn't go out with the guy after that date. Howard said she's a little too fast.
Howard asked the caller where she was. She said she's home sick. Robin asked if she still parties. She said she does. Howard asked the girl if the first guy she had sex with was the father of the child. She said that it was the same guy.
Howard asked if the caller had sex yet today. She laughed. Howard said he would jump through the roof if this was his kid. The caller said that she isn't that abnormal. Howard said she's not normal at all. Howard said he'd suggest counseling. Howard asked if she has warts on her genitals yet. She said she doesn't. Robin said that she could end up with Lyme disease. Howard said she could end up with other fruit flavors too.
Howard said he had to get going. They spent a little more time talking to the caller about her sex life. Howard told her to watch out for syphilis of the toe. Howard told her to stay home for a while. Howard thanked her for the call and let her go. Howard asked where the hell she was when he was 15. He said she's a real sucker. He hopes she's learned from that. Howard said he presented that story so other teens could learn. He said that was a good story and it got him a little worked up. Howard said he doesn't want to hear it 10 years from now.
In the clip Howard was doing an impression of a southern preacher. He was known as Born Again Stern. Howard took a call from a guy who said he was one of the pilots in the space shuttle. That was Fred playing the part. Born Again Stern talked to him about what he was doing up there. They talked about using the bathroom up there and what happens when you open a window in space. The pilot disappeared when he opened the window.
Scott The Engineer Stories. 03/22/06. 6:50am
Scott the Engineer came in and asked Howard why he was getting ripped a new asshole. Howard said he likes to tear people down who are having a good time. He was also upset about Penny talking about his salary with everyone in the hall. She had mentioned something about Scott only making $60,000 after working in the business for 20 years. Robin said that's the story that Penny should be covering for the news. Scott said that he has a very small pension and doesn't make all that much money. Howard said that Scott is always bitching about his money situation.
Ralph called in and said that Scott is such a bore. Gary came in and said that when Scott started working with them, he found out within 10 minutes that he was already in debt. He knew him for 5 minutes and he already knew that he didn't make much money. He started talking to him about that right away and hasn't stopped since. Artie said that talking to Scott is nothing like talking to Tony Robbins (motivational speaker). Howard said that Scott is like the opposite of a motivational speaker.
Artie said that Scott told him a classic story about how he once got a free toupee and the thing did nothing but irritate his head. Scott said that it would tear skin off his head every time he took it off. He had some snaps glued to his head and those things didn't work very well. The wig didn't look anywhere near real according to Ralph. Howard said that Scott eventually got rid of it after the company that gave it to him stopped paying for the maintenance on the thing. Scott didn't want to pay for it himself so he gave up on it.
Howard said that once Scott stopped wearing that thing he looked even more bald than he did before he got the toupee. He told Scott that it would be great if he started an ''Unmotivational Speaker'' business. He said that he could go around the country talking to people about being a loser. Howard turned on some echo and made a speech as Scott the Engineer talking to people about how they could be losers.
Ralph said that everyone there at SIRIUS is having a great time except for Scott. Scott told him that he's having a great time just like everyone else is. Robin said that someone asked Scott if he was going to be able to move faster there at SIRIUS than he did at K-Rock. Scott tried to do that for the first week but he eventually slowed down. Scott blamed that on an injured back.
Howard continued to do the Scott impression as if he were giving an ''Unmotivational'' speech. Scott said that his mother used to tell his family that they had a black cloud over them. Apparently she was right. Howard wondered why she would say something like that to the family. Just saying that might make someone depressed and force him to slouch over and start losing his hair. Scott said that when he was in his 20s it all started. He ended up getting divorced, losing his house and many other things. He said he started balding back then as well. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up with Scott and had Fred play ''Scott From The Block'' as they went to commercial.
In the clip Robin was reading about the Rodney King beating. Howard felt that it was a justified beating but Robin didn't think it was. Howard said his cousin has a TV store and every week someone comes in and robs him. He said maybe this guy robbed someone before he was beaten. Howard said he has a friend who is in jail right now. He said he's a white guy who is a car thief. Howard said he was caught in a high speed chase and he had the living crap beat out of him. Howard said they'll never hear about what the cops did because it wasn't caught on tape. He said he swears on his life that it's a real story too.
Howard said he will tell Robin who the guy is during the break. He said he won't name him on the air. Howard said he and Robin are going to get cops to beat them up so they can get $5 million a piece. Howard said they can have Ralph do some make up on them and make them look like a mess.
Howard said he read about a woman who was raped in the subway. He said no commuters noticed what was going on. Howard said he wishes they'd put as much focus on this rapist as they did with Rodney King.
Howard said he'd like the people to catch robbers on tape. He said we're doomed as a society when people won't let the cops do their job. Howard said they have to beat some sense into some people.
Howard played a bit they created about Rodney King. They did a Dicky Goodman parody where Fred played Dicky and played clips of various songs to answer as Rodney King.
Howard said they had a very jam packed show today. He had her get to some news. Robin asked which politics are really Howard's. Howard said he does the Dicky Goodman parody like he thinks he would do it. Howard said that his politics are what they're going to listen to now. Howard said he is a professional. Robin asked if his liberal view in the parody is something he's channeling. Howard said that's right. He's channeling Dicky Goodman.
Howard said people are sick of crime and he wants people concentrating on the criminals and not on the police. Howard said you end up getting beat up in the subway 9 times out of 10. Howard said they have a big problem there.
Robin had some tape of President Bush talking about the tape he saw of Rodney King being beaten. Howard played the tape and commented on it. He said when they were on vacation there were five senators who were involved with some scandal and they were brushed under the carpet. Howard said you have to smack guys around. He said there's a war out there. Howard said that guy will be fine and he won't drive around drunk anymore. Howard said they do have to smack some people around. He said they won't get it until they do. Robin said he's being silly.
Robin read about what Rodney had in his blood and urine. They found alcohol and marijuana. Robin had some audio of an official talking about that. Robin said this guy is from the L.A. lab that did the testing.
Robin had some audio of some people protesting and yelling about the beating. Howard said he can't imagine being out on the street arguing like that. Howard said it does no good.
Robin had some more clips and Howard kept saying that this just isn't a big deal. Robin asked what's wrong with seeing the guy weaving in and out and pulling the guy over. Then he speeds up and runs. Robin said he doesn't understand that the red lights mean he has to pull over. Howard said his license should be taken away if he doesn't understand. Howard asked why Stuttering John was standing there staring at them. John said he had a caller who wanted to talk about this. Howard didn't want to take the call.
Robin asked Howard about this theoretical situation with the speeder who doesn't pull over. Robin asked why they can't just get the guy in cuffs and take him to jail. Howard said the police risk their lives and these drunks are yelling at them. He said they should cut off his feet if he can't drive at the right speed. Howard said we are overwrought with crime and we have to do something. Robin asked why we have this problem. She said she thinks that it's a racist thing. Robin said cops have to be taught that they have prejudices. Robin had an audio clip of a guy talking about that subject.
Howard said black people have to think about this and maybe just slow down and maybe just drink in your house. Robin said they should also just pull over if you see a red light. Howard said that's a good one too.
Robin asked why there are so many people with fresh bruises coming forward at this time. Robin said that Rodney looked like he had been hit 50 times. Some people are coming forward with a black eye or something. Howard said there is police brutality out there. He said it is wrong but everyone should just behave. Howard said that would be the end of it.
Hot Rachel Comes In. 3/22/99. 8:00am
Howard had this girl come in who used to go to Jerry Fallwell's college, Liberty University. He brought her in because she ended up becoming a stripper after being kicked out of the school. Rachel told Howard the story about how she was kicked out because of a lesbian experience she had with another student at the college. She dragged it out a little bit too long so Howard had to tell her to get to the sex part. She was a 21 year old virgin who was on the softball team at the time and it was her room mate who she had the experience with. The room mate ended up repenting for her mistake so she got to stay at the college but Rachel was booted out. She said that the official reason on her paperwork was that she had been drinking alcohol. Rachel also told Howard about all of the weird rules and regulations they had at the college. Rachel is now a nanny and makes $6000 a month doing it. She was a stripper for a while but she gave that up to do this nanny thing.
Howard's Parents Lose Power, Gives Him Chest Pain. 03/22/10. 7:45am
After the break we heard a prank call Sal and Richard made to Gary the Retard about his smoking. Fred also played Stone Temple Pilots ''Plush'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said that they had to move their vacation to March for Robin to go to Guatemala. That means they don't have a vacation in April or May. He said that's too long. Howard said he wants to go ''dark'' like Gary would say. Gary said they are dark in late May.
Howard said they have a lot to talk about. He said he has stuff in his notes. He said they had a big black out on Long Island. He said they had a nasty turn of the weather when Robin was away. He said there were people without power for days out there. Howard said they have never been in so much trouble out there before. Howard said his sister had a big tree down in front of her house. He said it was a nightmare for so many people out there. He said they didn't have heat without power. He said it was cold too.
Gary said that the person who lost it the longest was Scott. He said that he knew something was up because the guy at the garage was talking about Scott's power. He said that Jason was hoping that it would come back on because he couldn't take the stories anymore. Gary said the guy at the garage would say that Scott came in every day complaining about it.
Scott came in and said he wasn't able to leave the house because they had to bail out the sump pump. He said that they went out and got a generator and had enough to get by. Scott said they didn't have heat though. Howard thanked him for the story but said he was bored already.
Howard said Tuesday morning he was laying in bed and saw his phone blinking. He picked up and it was his mom. He said she sounds like something is wrong even if there isn't. He said that his mom said they were in terrible trouble. He said he thought his father was dead or in the hospital or something. Howard said he asked what was wrong and she said that they haven't had power since Saturday. This was on Tuesday. Howard said they hadn't had any heat since Saturday. He said he asked her if that was her fuckin' problem. Howard said she can't hear so she says ''What?''
Howard said she lives in New York so she could have come to his house. He asked why she didn't call before. He said she told him that they don't like to leave the house. They thought the power would come on but it never did. He said they thought it would come on the next day so they just waited. Robin said they're going to end up causing him so much trouble. Howard said he was going to send them a car and he'd have them stay there. Howard said they didn't want to burden anyone but she said she felt she had to. Howard said that he's her fuckin' son so she had to come there.
Howard said he went to bed after sending a car out there. He said he got a text from the driver saying that they panicked and they drove out there themselves. Howard said he spent all day trying to get a driver so he was pissed. He said that he usually has them picked up because he's not sure they can get out there to his house on their own. He said he was out on Long Island himself so they didn't even have to drive into the city.
Howard said the driver had to go back to Manhattan and then he got a call from his mother saying that they were there at home again and they were freezing. Howard said it turns out they just went to get a cup of coffee before the car came. Howard said he had to get back on the phone with his driver Terry. Howard said he was still close enough to turn around. Howard said he told his mother to sit tight and not move. She kept saying ''What'' because she can't hear. Howard said she won't get a hearing aid though. He said that she thinks that it's a ''slippery slope'' if she gets started with that. Howard said she doesn't want to get started with that.
Howard said he got his dad on the phone and he told him that he was out getting coffee. They have to do everything together so that's why they went out together. Howard said that their neighbor told the driver that they had left though. Howard said he was having a heart attack over this. He said that the stress was giving him chest pains. He said that it's not even work that's driving him crazy. It's everything else.
Howard said he felt like he had an elephant sitting on his chest. He said he was upset about the whole Gabourey Sidibe thing. He said he will go on that nitwit Whoopi Goldberg's show and talk about what a nitwit she is. Howard said that he's going to pull her pants off to see what's doing down there. He said that she's a ''snatch head.'' He said he's going to challenge her to a sword fight with whatever it is she has down there. Howard said he might just book himself on that show. He said he'll tell the other dummies to shut up too. He said that Sherry Sheppard thinks the world is flat and Whoopi says ''rape, rape.'' He said she's a ''dumb cunt.''
Howard said because of her, he's in the doctor's office. Howard said he's going to bring a globe with him on the show to show Sherry what everyone learned in second grade. Howard said he wants to make out with Elisabeth on the show too. Robin said she may have a thing for him.
Howard said he knows Elisabeth and she has a body that does not quit. He said that she's build for sexual activities. He said there is no question that there's a vagina in those pants. He said there is no balls on that snatch. Howard said he was sorry for calling Whoopi the C-word but he's a little pissed. Howard said that he's not even sure she's a woman. He said he's not sure that she couldn't ''rape, rape'' Elisabeth.
Howard played a clip of Mike Tyson yelling at a reporter and saying ''I'll fuck you 'till you love me, faggot.'' Howard said he could use that speech when he goes on The View.
Howard said he doesn't want to get into a whole thing with Whoopi. He said that he will use her real name on the show if he goes on though. He said her real name is Karen Johnson.
More Stories About Howard's Parents. 03/22/10. 8:15am
Howard got back to his parents and said that they were in the car for 2 hours. He said that they had heat in the car but his mother was wearing a coat. He said his father came in just fine. His mother was saying she was so cold in the house even though they were in a car for 2 hours with heat. Howard said he has told them to come out to visit him whenever they want but his mother was miserable. He said she was saying that they were kicked out of their house like they were evicted.
Howard said his mother refused to take her coat off. He said she wanted him to see how cold she was at home. He said she didn't take her coat or hat off even though it was like 90 degrees in his place. He said it was like hell in there but she kept it on.
Howard said he told his mom to take her coat off but she refused. Howard said she told him that he had no idea what they had been through. His father told him that she was wrapped up in the bed with a hat and the coats on. His dad was telling him that they never had heat when he was growing up.
Howard said he asked why they didn't just leave their house. He said his mother told him that they have their routine and they weren't sure if the power was going to come back on. Howard said they ended up calling back home to find out if the power was back on. He said that he found a movie to watch with them and it was ''Me and Orson Wells.'' He had to find something appropriate for them.
Howard said his mother was saying the sound was too low so Beth had to leave after 15 minutes or so. He said that she couldn't take the loudness. His mother told him that the sound level was excellent. Howard said everything was so loud.
Howard said he got to live with his parents again and it was pretty intense. Howard said he does love having them there and helping them out. He said it can be very difficult though. Howard said that at breakfast his father won't get his own coffee or anything. He said his mother still has to serve him.
Howard did an impression of his mother asking his father if he wanted more coffee. He had them yelling at each other since they can't hear. He said that his father won't get his own food so someone has to serve him all the time.
Howard said his parents love telling you about their problems. He said that they were calling their neighbors asking if the power was on. He said the neighbors across the street had power so his father thought there was some kind of conspiracy.
Howard said his voice hurt from yelling while talking to them the whole time. Robin said that she worked with some old people as a nurse and saying good night was always like that. Howard said he told Beth she had to yell but she said she couldn't yell any louder.
Howard said his parents found out the power was back on but it was night. He told them to sleep over another night. They were going to leave around 9 but they were up at 5 packing and getting ready to go home. He said they just had to get out and he didn't understand why they were in such a rush. He said they're just going home to stare at the walls. Howard said his father was wondering how long it was going to take to get home. They were in a big rush but for nothing.
Howard said they got out of there around 9 and they went back home. Howard said they must have something in that house he doesn't know about. Howard said maybe they have a sex dungeon or something.
Howard said that he and his mother were having a nice discussion and his father came in and said that they had to get going. He said that he was worn out from the visit anyway so it was okay that they left when they did. He said he was glad he was able to help out. He said they could have slept at his sister's house and she's like 10 minutes from them.
Howard said that they could have had a generator there at the house. He said that might be another headache for his father though.
Howard said that this show goes on for 5 or 6 hours and he's always surprised about what people pick up on to talk about. He said the Gabourey thing was something that everyone wanted to talk about and no one was. He said now they can talk about it and they love it. Howard said that everyone else is racist and that's why no one will talk about her weight. He said they're the ones who are afraid to do that. He said they're the racists, not him. Howard said he had a lot more to get to but they had to take a break.
The Burp Or Fart Game. 3/22/00. 8:55am
Howard had a new way to give away breast implants this morning. 3 women came in to try and win breast implants by playing the ''Burp or Fart Game''. Howard had Jeremy the farter and Michael the burper standing by to do their thing. He had a wheel that he would spin before asking each contestant a question. If the contestant got a question wrong then they would either get burped or farted on. The first woman to get 3 questions correct would win the implants.
Contestant number 1 is Julie. Julie and her sister Kim have been on the show before as lesbian sisters. Kim had implants and Julie was so impressed that she now wants her own. Contestant 2, Paula, is a 20 year old, 4 foot 6 and a half inch tall woman. Howard couldn't believe how short she was. He thought she was a midget but she said she's not. He said she looks like Tanya Harding with her legs cut off. Contestant number 3 is 28 year old Gabriella. She has very small breasts and Howard said he was rooting for her to win because the other two women really don't need the implants that bad. She also had a nice flat stomach and a nice ass according to Howard.
Howard got right into the game and here's how it went. Listed below are each round, the contestant's name and what came out on the wheel spin followed by the question and whether or not it was answered correctly.
In the clip Howard asked Robin about interviewing Jackie for her book. Jackie said it went on for 4 hours. Robin said she had a lot of questions for him and Jackie was giving way too much detail. She said she got a long story about where he was when they first got him on the show. Billy West did his impression of Jackie talking about that stuff. Robin did her impression too. She said he gave her a whole story about how he was in Virginia Beach at the time he got the call and things like that. Robin went on and on telling the story for a couple of minutes.
Howard asked if Robin was going nuts. Robin just kept going in her Jackie voice telling every little detail of how he found out about the job. Robin said he could have just said he sent the albums and then Howard called. She said he told every detail about how he picked up the phone and he said hello and then Howard said it was Howard Stern on the phone. Every detail.
Jackie said he asked Robin to tell him about herself and she went on for 90 minutes. Robin said he took an hour to tell her how he met Howard. Robin went into her impression again and started rambling again. Howard told her to give Jackie a chance. Robin wouldn't stop. She just kept going on and on as Jackie.
Howard asked when he started getting bitter. Robin got back into the impression and started rambling once again. She was talking about how Jackie didn't know where the line was and how he found out.
Howard asked what Robin was saying to Jackie. Jackie didn't say. Howard said that's Charitable Jackie there. Robin said she got a lot of sex stories from Jackie. Robin told some of those stories as Jackie.
Jackie said Fred was in there just as long as he was. Howard said Fred was in there for 3 hours. Jackie was in for 4. Howard said he was in for 2 and a half. Jackie said he's not sure how he talked more than anyone else. Howard asked if he did any philosophy talk in there. Robin said he was doing that too.
Gary said he was only in there for an hour and a half. He said he feels slighted. That led to Jackie and Gary goofing on each other for a few seconds. Gary made fun of his weight.
Howard told Jackie to get on the scale. Jackie came in at 209 pounds. Gary was 208. Robin said Jackie was holding on to the wall and he was still 209. Gary said he can't believe Jackie is making fat jokes about him.
Howard said Jackie is going back to being that big, fat slob again. Stuttering John said that Jackie ate three of those Roy Rogers sandwiches the other day.
Howard said Stuttering John told Gary about how he's seen Fred chew his pen so much that it explodes in his mouth. Gary told him to go tell Howard and John was afraid to come in and tell him. He said Fred went off on John recently and called him useless so John is afraid of him now. Fred said it wasn't fair for him to do what he did. He said he was kind of upset about the way they were treating him and laughing it up while he had two arms full of carts.
Howard said Fred called John brainless. Fred said he doesn't even remember what he said. John didn't remember either. Gary said it didn't have any humor in whatever it was he said. He said Fred wasn't kidding when he said it.
In the clip Howard said he has figured out Gary's marriage. He said that he knows why he married his wife and he knows he'll take it the wrong way if he brings it up on the air. Howard said he had an epiphany about Gary. He said he figured out what he has going on in his marriage.
Howard said Gary married her because she's the polar opposite of his mother. Howard said what Gary resented growing up was the controlling aspect of his mother. He said that she's quiet and that's as controlling as his mother's loudness. Howard said he got the same effect but in a different way.
Howard said he thinks he went too far with that and he's going to stop now. He didn't want to upset Gary anymore.
Gary said he was hoping that his wife didn't hear that thing about him smoking the other day. He said some guy came up to him at dinner the other night and ruined it for him.
More on Robins Bunghole. 3-22-96. After yesterday's revelation about Robin's colon cleaning story, Howard's assistant, Kathy, told Robin that she has done the same thing for years! But she does it a little differently, she does it at home! Kathy explained, in detail, how she setup her ''pickle barrel colonic''. She uses a pickle barrel to store the diluted coffee mixture that she uses to flush out her bowels! She said that the little ''paunch'' that people get on their stomachs is caused by built up ''tar'' in your colon. Kathy uses a ''colonic board'' to get herself cleaned out. She lies on some kind of board that's propped up on her toilet. The coffee water then runs up a tube in to her butt and then in to her toilet! This is nasty! They're both nuts! Kathy brought in pictures of the stuff that comes out of people. Howard almost puked when he looked at the pictures! Kathy also says that you can be cured of things just by cleansing your ass! Some guy called in and said that all of this is very dangerous and unhealthy. He said that the body is ''self cleansing'' but Robin argued about it like a mental patient.
Howard's Mail And More Artie Reenacting Godfather Scenes. 03/22/06. 9:45am
Howard read some e-mail that he's gotten lately. One guy thinks that Jessica Hahn shouldn't be allowed on the show anymore. Another person thought that Artie and Beetlejuice were great. There were others who enjoyed Artie doing his Godfather bits. Some people didn't like it but most did. Artie was saying that he has other movies that he's memorized so it's not just The Godfather. He said he's got other friends who have them memorized and they used to just reenact scenes from them.
Artie said that he had The Honeymooners memorized and loved one scene where Norton and Ralph got loaded on grape juice. He said it was mostly visual though. He did remember some of the lines though and told them to Howard. He was giving Howard all of the details of the scene and reciting the lines to him. Howard wasn't laughing but Artie told him he has to see it.
Artie went into another Godfather scene since Howard loves them so much. He did each character and said their lines as if he were reading them from the script. After the scene he said that's what he does instead of playing the guitar.
Fred played a clip from The Godfather so that got the guys talking about the movie and just how great it was. They were also talking about the actor who played Fredo and how he was only in 5 movies but they were all nominated for Academy Awards. Howard asked Artie to reenact some of Fredo's scenes for him so he went right into a couple of them. Howard was loving it.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Artie to give his favorite Odd Couple scenes. Artie said that people may not remember that stuff because it's not as well known as The Godfather. He did recite a few lines for the woman though.
In the clip Robin read a story about how Alzheimer's is going to get to be more and more common as time goes on. Howard said if he ever gets it they should make sure he's off the air.
Robin read about how Ronald Reagan was being affected by Alzheimer's. That led to Howard doing his Reagan impression and talking about playing with a pumpkin like it was a pet. He did remember to say ''F my daughter Patty...'' He had Reagan asking where his pet monkey was. He also said his fingers still smell like Jane Wyman even though he hadn't been married to her for 40 years. Howard had Jackie cracking up as he read his lines.
Robin read some other news while Howard continued to do his impression. Robin read some news about the Pope but Howard stayed in that Reagan voice. Howard had Reagan talking about how he wishes he had a hat like the Pope's.
Robin read about a guy who was on the roof of a home yelling at police to shoot him. Robin said this was going on earlier that morning. She said the guy was sitting on the chimney of his house. Howard did more of his Reagan impression.
Robin read a story about a guy who was holding some people hostage in Baltimore. Howard threw in some more lines as Reagan. Robin had some audio of the guy talking to the 9-1-1 operator about why he was doing what he was doing.
Robin read about tobacco companies selling cigarettes to minors and how they think the president is treating nicotine like a federally regulated drug. That led to Howard doing more of his Reagan impression.
Various News Report Audio Clips. 03/22/06. 9:40am
Howard had some audio from CNN from this morning where there was a fire going on in the studio while they were on air. The reporters had to bail out and leave while that was going on. He said that if it was him he would have just left and not said that they had to leave.
Howard played another clip where a news reporter accidentally called an upcoming guest ''gay'' when she mean to say that he was ''blind.'' Howard played it over and over again trying to figure out how she went from 'gay' to 'blind.'
Howard said there was another report he had where a couple of reporters were talking about SIRIUS having 4 million subscribers. One of the reporters said that he had to agree with the other reporter when she said that the Howard Stern effect would eventually wear off. Howard picked that apart and said that people have always said stuff like that about his career. He said they always try to talk down the hype like he's not going to succeed. Howard said that they've had 700,000 new subscribers in the past 2 months. He replayed the news report and said that all of these anchor guys are jealous. If it was anyone else in show business, they'd be backing the hype and saying that they're amazing.
In the clip Howard started the show talking about watching the Academy Awards that were on the night before. Howard said he was watching them in the back before the show. Howard said he heard Tom Hanks had done something funny. Jackie said he saw it and he was crying. Robin said Scott is pulling some tape from the show.
Howard said he can imagine what Hanks did during that speech. He said he probably named gay people who weren't out of the closet yet.
Howard said he saw Steven Spielberg on the Barbara Walters special. He said he thought he was pretty good on that. He said he saw Elton John too. Robin said he's always been very open. Howard said that's the problem.
Howard said Spielberg talked about how he got beat up a lot when he was a kid. He never fought back. Robin said he talked about how he used to tape his nose up so they wouldn't think he was Jewish.
Howard said Spielberg did that episode of The Twilight Zone and it was a great one. It was the Night Gallery episode. Gary said that was a great episode.
Gary had the Tom Hanks speech for him to play. Howard said it's too bad he had to go and be a big pussy like that. Howard said he really liked Hanks before that. Howard played a few audio clips he had on his computer before getting to the Hanks stuff. Howard said they got a new Jackie song that he put in the computer. He played that for Robin. Howard said that was Jeff Young who sent that in. He said that guy has too much free time.
Howard said he really likes Tom Hanks but he doesn't get why he has to cry at the Oscars. Howard said maybe he plans that. He said he's too much of a good actor not to pull that off. Jackie said he was crying in the crowd after the Springsteen song. Howard said he heard he put Springsteen down in his speech.
Howard played the Tom Hanks speech where he breaks down crying. Fred said he was crying right out of the box. Howard played some of the clip and goofed on Hanks as he broke down. Howard said the guy who should be crying is that guy Peter Scolari who was in Bosom Buddies with Hanks.
Howard said maybe he stuck himself with that pin he was wearing to make himself cry. Howard kept going with the audio for a few minutes. Howard kept playing a Billy West crying clip over and over after playing the clip.
Howard said that Tom should have talked about all of the other people who died. The people who died of boredom from the Oscars. They wrapped up a short time later.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:40am.
Today's Best Of The Week was over around 10:40am.