|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Today's ''The Satellite Years'' special was over around 10:20am. They played that day's Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. I didn't cover The Wrap Up Show back then so I don't have a rundown for it.
Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about the controversy about them not being live yesterday. Howard said everyone loves him so much they hate to be away from him. He said he hates to be away from them too. Howard said no one cares that he's working though. He said that some people think that the job with America's Got Talent should be secondary but he had already cut back on the radio show. Howard said he's taking a little more time off but they would have taken it off somewhere else anyway. Robin said they know that it didn't happen last year. Howard said maybe they should tell the audience about their schedule. He said he'll talk to Tim about that.
Howard said he was in San Francisco and he does love his new job. Howard said everyone expects everything to be negative but he likes this new job. Howard said he is the guy who hates every job he has but he likes this one. Robin said people expect this from him. Howard said that the audience out there in San Francisco was insane. He said one woman started screaming and passing out like it was The Beatles. Howard said people go berserk when he goes out and judges.
Howard said he had a good time with Howie and Sharon. Robin said he always gets a good reaction from the San Francisco audience. Howard said that Nick Cannon was talking to some people and when he came out he goes to each judge and asks how it is out there. Howard said he signed books for 25,000 people for 10 hours the last time he was there. He said he loves the city.
Howard said he flew in the day before to make sure he was there on time. He said he was in way too early so he and his agent walked around for about an hour and a half. Howard said that he and Don are so bad at directions that they had to ask people for directions. He said some people did recognize him. He said they have a lot of street performers out there in San Francisco. He said it's kind of depressing. Howard said it makes you wonder if anyone has a job in show business.
Howard said that Eric the Actor was in the audience out there. He said he went over to him a couple of times. He said it's kind of freaky seeing him in person. He said that it's a totally different experience than it is on the phone. He said Eric stuck around for both tapings too. He said Eric loves that stuff. He said he likes his roommate Jon too. Howard said the guy is very caring toward Eric and it's nice. He said Eric has a friend and that's good. Howard said when you see Eric in person you're reminded of his afflictions. He said he likes that he's ornery with them and that he fights back. Howard said he likes that about him. Robin said that's not a good life. Howard said Eric has a life, that's all he knows.
Howard took a call from a guy who was at the taping. He thanked Howard for the tickets. The guy said the audience was going nuts for Howard. He said it's like ''America's Got Howard.'' Howard said L.A. was crazy but San Francisco was even bigger. He said they had a venue that was like 3 times the size of the L.A. venue. He said the audience was deafening. Howard said that they were overpowering the judges. Howard said this was the first time they had ever seen this at America's Got Talent. Howard said Howie said to him that he's a rock star. Howard said Howie and Sharon are very gracious that way. He said he comes out and things go crazy. He said it turns into like a religion kind of thing. He said Howie and Sharon seem appreciative that he joined the show. Robin said they understand that it makes the show bigger.
Howard said Howie and Sharon got some shout outs too but he wants everyone to be there for him. Howard said they're making him look good in front of the NBC executives. Howard said that makes them feel good about hiring him. Howard said he knows that grabbing a live audience and grabbing TV ratings are two different things though.
Howard said they had to add chairs to the audience. He said that they were able to let more people in. He said they had a whole thing going on there. He said in the first time in history of the show the audience reeked from pot. Howard asked the caller if he was smoking. The caller said he wasn't. He said they had a big cloud out front though. Howard said they served alcohol there too.
Howard said at the second day of taping the producer came over and said that the audience was so loud they couldn't hear anything. Howard said Sharon suggested that they stop giving them alcohol. Howard said that might make people go through the DTs during the taping. He said at one point the audience was so loud that some of the acts didn't want to come out. Howard said when you see thousands of stoned, drunk people booing you then you don't want to come out. Howard said the producer came up to them and asked if they had to quiet down the audience. Howard said Sharon said they did and he should be the one to do it. Howard said he figured if they just gave them a few minutes to groove for a few minutes they would calm down. He said there was a lot of weed in there too so that would calm things down. Howard said they did calm down eventually.
Howard said he got booed a couple of times. Howard said he thinks that they want everyone to move on to Vegas. The caller said that he wasn't booing Howard that much. He was booing the acts though. Howard said he feeds off the audience and he loves it. Howard said they have this thing where the judges walk down the aisle and no other show has that. Howard said it takes him like 20 minutes to get down the aisle. He said that he hugged people, women and dudes, and it takes him a while. Howard said he enjoyed it. It was kind of fun.
The caller said that Howard was honest and respectful but he also hit the buzzer when they had kooks on the stage. Howard said he's getting more and more comfortable. He said they made one little girl cry but he's not sure if it was him or someone else. He said he thinks that she was freaked out by the audience more than them. He said he's not taking responsibility for that.
Howard said he's getting more and more comfortable and he's much more relaxed now. He said the first tapings were intense but now he can sit back and concentrate on the talent. Howard said there was one act that he wanted to bring back from L.A. He said he gets emotionally involved with some of them. He said Vegas is going to be tough. He said he knows his favorites though. Robin said some people will get better.
Howard asked the caller if he was there when the interracial couple was there. The caller said he wasn't there. He said it was fun to watch what they were doing though. The guy said that the fun thing is seeing all of the different audiences mixing it up. Howard said it is pretty wild because there are people who love AGT and don't even know who he is. Howard said his fans are there too and they're all there mixing it up.
The caller said he must be stoked to be getting the best of both worlds now. He said he'll be this pop icon in middle America. Howard said it's kind of cool but the down side is that he can't do anything to affect his health. He said he has to lay in his hotel room and just lay there. He said he watched 5 hours straight of Breaking Bad in his hotel room to kill time. Howard said he has resigned himself to it though.
Howard said next weekend he has St. Louis and then Austin, Texas and then Tampa. He said he and Bubba are going to get together down there. He said he has to bring him to one of the tapings. Howard said the New York taping is going to be insane. He said they're talking about adding one more date to that. He said that they had more auditions yesterday and they have more people to check out. Howard said Debbie the Pet Lady was there because she trains birds. Howard said he's not sure if she made it in or not. Howard said he hopes she did.
Howard said this whole thing is a great live show. He said it's great to be at. He said he's not sure how they could do it but they could do it all year round. Howard said the have a live show that goes out on the road with Jerry Springer.
The caller said that some of the people are annoying. Howard said they really are and he's being very blunt with people now. The caller said that some of the audience were yelling out at the acts to get the fuck off stage. He said some of them wouldn't leave. He said Howie was able to get them off stage. The caller said he wishes they had a long hook to get them off stage. Howard said he heard that from a few people.
Howard said that Howie is great and very funny. He said Nick Cannon is good too. He said there's a lot of talking behind his back about how he's looking. Howard said he still looks too thin. Howard said that there have been some articles about his health and that Mariah thinks he's dying. Howard said Nick's so not dying though.
Howard said Nick came out during one act. He said that it was a black dude who came out in a bra and he was kind of fat so he called him Sidibe. He said he wasn't able to think of ''Precious'' so he just went with Sidibe. Howard said this guy refused to leave so Nick came out and danced with him into the audience. Howard said he though about getting up and dancing but then he figured it wasn't his show so he wasn't going to. He said he just sat back and let Nick do his thing. Howard said it was funny and cute. He said he's not uptight like Ryan Seacrest does. Howard said that everyone wants to look cool but Nick isn't afraid to be a goofball. He said he thinks that Robin will like him.
Howard said he touched one guy who seemed to have a film on him. He said he told Howie about that and Howie ran away from him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he had a great time at the show out there in San Francisco too. Howard said they had a lot of fun there.
Howard asked Eric if he had a good time. Eric said he had a lot of fun. He said it was a good time. Howard said they had to move Eric closer than he was. Howard said Gary must have asked them not to put him close but he wanted him close. Howard said they moved Eric away from him so he had to get up and walk over to him.
Eric said he has two issues with Gary. He said he thought that the problems were over between them but he had to be stupid and say that he had quit the show. He said that he didn't do that at all. Howard said it was an Eric the Midget imitator. Gary said Eric doesn't understand that. He said that Eric doesn't understand that he doesn't know his schedule either.
Howard said that Eric was there and he heard him mumbling something and he asked him to speak up. Eric asked him if he follows him on Twitter. He said he doesn't but then he tells him his name on Twitter and he doesn't know what he's saying. Howard said he was in the middle of taping this show and he's telling him what his Twitter handle is. Eric said it's @EricTheActor11 but the imitator uses a different letter in Eric so it looks like his account.
Gary said there are a ton of imitators out there and he doesn't know. He said Eric yells at him and says things are over between them and he's not sure why he does that. Howard had audio of Eric leaving a message for Gary. Howard said it goes on and on. He started to play it but he cut it off after a few seconds.
Howard said Gary had Eric moved away from him too. Eric said he knows not to bug Howard. Gary said that anyone Howard knows really well can be a distraction. That's why he had Eric moved. Gary said he wanted him to have a great seat. Howard said it wouldn't have bothered him but Gary did the right thing.
Howard said that Sharon was asking who this Eric was but she doesn't understand any of the reference. Howard said Howie listens so he cracks up. He said Sharon doesn't get it because she's out of the loop. He said people were yelling out ''Get the poison out'' and things like that. He said there's a lot of 143 and things like that.
Eric said that there was a group of people who had one of those signs and he knows who they were. Robin said ''Oh, that's interesting...''
Johnny Fratto was on the line with Eric. Howard said this producer, Jason, is in charge of some of the stuff they record and at one point he came up to him and said that he knows Eric is there and he took care of him. He got him a huge bottle of Pepsi. They were catering to him. Howard asked Eric if he had to pee after drinking that. Eric said he didn't drink that much. He said he's having the last bottle now. Howard said to pee at the venue must be tough. He said Jon must have to put him on the toilet. Eric said they were down or upstairs so they had to go up or down the escalator. Howard said he must have held it the whole day. Eric said he was fine. He knew not to drink too much.
Howard said he should wear a diaper. Eric said he's not going to go that far. Howard said he hates going to the bathroom and it's not that big of a hassle. He said it must be tough for Eric. Robin asked Eric if people use the handicapped stall all the time. Eric said there are people who do that. Howard said he does that all the time. He said he feels handicapped with his small penis.
Howard said he felt that Eric was staring at him like he was a big star now that he's on TV. Eric said he thinks that he's a good judge. He said he disagreed with him passing on one of the acts. Howard asked who they were. Eric said it was a group of brothers. Howard said that Eric agreed with most of his choices but not that one. He said Eric watches a lot of TV and he did check in with him a lot. Eric said he watches a lot of TV and a listens to a lot of music. He said he can tell good singing from bad. He said the brothers were not perfect but not bad enough that they should be sent home. Robin said that they'd eventually be sent home if they weren't good. Howard said there are some who aren't great but they give them a second chance in Vegas. Howard said they aren't bad but they're not great. He said you can see they have something. He said some people you give a long shot. He said he'll tell them that too. He said that he'll tell them they're like a million to one shot but he's giving them a shot.
Howard said he doesn't remember most of the acts and the brothers don't stand out in his mind. Eric said they were four Asian brothers. Howard still didn't remember them. He said he thinks that he made a good move voting them out. Howard asked if he's a better judge than Howie or Sharon. Eric said he'll say he is since he's talking to him now. Robin said they didn't get him into that event.
Johnny Fratto said that Eric was judging at the Viper Room appearance. Eric said that he gave a high number to one of the girls and they got voted out somehow. Howard said he's sure they don't stick to the rules at the Viper Room.
Howard said he's glad he got to see Eric. He said he didn't do dinner with anyone out there. Howard said Howie was out in the lobby watching people one night so he asked if he wanted to get a drink. He said that they had drinks and Sharon came down too. He said they actually hung out and bonded. Howard said they work together a lot. Howard said Howie has been very supportive.
Robin asked what happens with lunch. Howard said they must think he's a diva. Howard said they had dressing rooms and Sharon was next to him. He said that he needs lunch around noon. He said they had a lunch break around 5. Howard said he thought there was a mistake. Howard said he asked them about the schedule. He said he needs to eat but they have to do this huge thing for him to get him lunch. He said he can't figure it all out.
Howard said they must be on their own schedule out there. He said that he has to eat though so he asks them to do that for him. He said 5pm out in San Francisco is 8pm here in New York so he's starving by then. Howard said that they give them a pee break during the taping too.
Howard said his meal is always late. He said there's always a problem. He said he wants to eat quick so he can lay down. He said he does his meditation after he eats. He said he got his meal and he turns out his lights and lays down. Then he hears a door slamming. He said that was going on every second in Sharon's dressing room. He said that it just keeps happening. Howard said he has a sound machine that makes white noise. He said he'd start to drift off and then the door slam would happen.
Howard said he was going to get up and say something to Sharon but he knew he'd look like a jerk. Howard said he doesn't allow anyone in his dressing room. He said Sharon must have 57 people in there. Howard said he did say something to her and Sharon apologized. Howard said she was so sweet about it that she said it wouldn't happen again. Robin said she probably told them not to put her next to him again.
Eric said Sharon came over to him and shook his hand and introduced herself. Eric said he knows who she is. Howard said she was just being nice. Eric said he met Nick back stage too. Howard and Robin asked how he got back stage. Eric said he asked Jason, the producer, and he got him back there.
Howard said he should have scooped Eric up and put him in his lap. Eric said he's like 80 pounds so Howard figured he could man handle him and throw him on his lap. Howard said Eric wouldn't have much to say about it.
Johnny said that Howie wouldn't go near him. Eric said that Howie did say that he would come over and meet him at another event if he shows up. Robin said he said that because he knows that he won't show up to another taping. Howard said Howie is really dark. He said that he told him he has 5 voices in his head all the time.
Howard said Eric can come to any taping. Robin said that he's not going to make it to anymore. Eric said he'd like to come to Vegas week. Howard said they don't have an audience there. Eric said Howard has never done a Sirius show in Vegas so he could do shows there. Howard said he's not doing that. He said he doesn't want to have kidney failure like Nick does. Howard said the Vegas tapings take all day long from what he's heard. He said that ain't happening. He said it was good seeing Eric out there. He thanked him and Johnny for calling in. Johnny said this is great and Howard sounds happy.
Howard said they put through one woman who he talked to about her outfit. He said that she was a good singer but the outfit made her look like a joke. Howard said it was just bad clothing. He said he didn't expect much from her just based on her clothing. Howard said he's taking her under his wing now.
Howard said there was a magician who was dressed like a pedophile. He said he didn't need that. Robin asked what he'd do if Mr. Methane showed up. Howard said he'd put him right through. Howard said they'd never put him on NBC though. He said they wouldn't even let him on NBC. Howard said that guy is funny though. He said he must have given up by now. Gary said he just got an email from his manager recently. He said he's putting out a book. Howard said he wants out of that book. Howard said he doesn't want to be in that book.
Howard said he heard some people saying things on NBC that he didn't think would make it through. JD came in and said that Mr. Methane was on Britain's Got Talent. Howard said he didn't know that. JD said he didn't get put through. Howard said he'd put him right through.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to make sure he's going to be at the Tampa tapings. Howard said he will. She said she read that he wouldn't be at all of them. Howard said he has to be at the tapings because he's a judge. Howard said he will be at the Tampa tapings. Robin said she wants to get out to see some of the tapings but she's had a bad patch lately. She said she stayed home this week.
Howard said he thinks that New York would be the one for Robin to see. Robin said she wants to go to Tampa and maybe Austin.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she video taped Howard coming in and it was all over every web site. Howard said he saw some video and it was pretty crazy stuff.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he saw Howard in San Francisco and he thought he was great. Howard said that they edit down a lot of that stuff so he's not sure what will make it in. Howard said you don't know what will get on or not.
Another caller said that he heard Howard talking about going to the wash room and how it smelled bad. He said maybe Howie played a joke on him. Howard said Howie had nothing to do with that.
Howard said he saw Sacha Baron Cohen dumping the ashes on Ryan Seacrest. He said if any guy did that to him he'd punch him in the nose and his nose would break. He said he does love Sacha but he doesn't like when someone dumps something on someone else. Howard said he felt a little bad for Ryan. Robin said Howard must be losing it if he feels bad for Ryan. Howard said if Sacha did that to him he'd punch him in the nose. Robin said that Sacha wouldn't do that to Howard. She said that he knows better than to do that.
Howard said he has no sense of humor when something like that is done to him. He said he'd take his fist and punch the guy. Robin said Sacha would probably be all for that. He's put himself in danger before. Howard said he'd just break the guy's nose.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who asked who benefits from all of this publicity he's getting. It is Sirius or XM. Howard said that they're one company except when it comes to paying him. Howard said that the people who benefits the most is SiriusXM. He said he heard a story from the America's Got Talent people who said there were people on the staff who hated the idea that he got hired. Robin said that he's going to become America's little sweetheart. Robin said that all of America is going to love him. Howard said then he'll run for president. He said they seem to like him there.
Howard said that he can cure Aspbergers. He said his name is David Finch and the book is called ''The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband.'' Howard gave him a plug for the book and said he had to go to break. He said he has Marty the Midget coming in. Gary said they can't call him that anymore. He said that they have to call him Marty Klebba. Howard said that they used to hang with him and women really dug him. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Howard came back and had a guy on the phone who had called in back in 2008. Howard said he wanted to refresh everyone's memory. He said his name is Sean and he was married for 18 years. Howard said Sean and his wife had 3 kids together. Howard said two years after he divorced he found out that he's not the biological father of one of their son's. He said that the kid was the result of an affair. Howard said this drives him nuts. He said under West Virginia law he's responsible for the child financially. Howard said the dude who is the biological father bears no responsibility. Howard said the guy can't sue the other guy either. Howard said that he doesn't get this at all. He said there are only 12 states that have the law that lets you stop paying. Howard asked Sean what he's doing about this.
Sean said he's trying to get a paternity fraud law passed. Howard said Sean is such a good guy that he said he'd pay child support for the kid but he won't give a dime to the wife in alimony. Howard said they threw him in jail. Sean got 6 weeks in jail. Sean said he had two months this past summer. Howard said they're going to throw him in jail again.
Howard asked if the wife is insisting she gets the money. Sean said of course she is. Howard asked what he does for a living. Sean said he's an independent contractor. He said that it could hurt his business but he works with some great people who understand what he's trying to do. He said he has to pay alimony to get out of jail. He said that he has to do this for 5 additional years.
Robin asked how long he was married. He said his divorce was final in 2004. He said that as soon as he found out about the paternity fraud he stopped paying. He said he stopped paying her the alimony.
Howard asked if he's ever gone to the dude who is the father and told him to step up. Sean said he's confronted him multiple times. Howard asked what the guy says. Sean said he doesn't say anything. He said he's gotten calls from his lawyers. Howard asked if he sees the son and treats him like a son. Sean said he loves the kid and he is working hard to get laws changed around the country. He said that his little boy was the only thing that kept him sane. He said his son knows he's not his biological dad now though.
Robin asked what the wife says when he tells her he shouldn't have to pay. Howard said she probably just says ''the court says...'' and ''fuck you.'' Sean said that's a good summarization. Howard said that Sean has gone to jail over this.
Howard said he thinks the biological father should have to reimburse this guy for the child support payments. Robin said that if the woman wasn't married then she'd definitely go after that guy. Sean said he was offered to give up the rights to his son and he would be able to stop the payments. He said he loves the kid to the bottom of his heart and he can't do that. He said he turned that down. Howard said some guys would accept that. He said Sean is a good man. He said he's really a good dude. Sean said he thinks most men wouldn't let that happen. He said if you love a child then you don't just give up on them. He said you love them like a son that was your own.
Howard said AshleyMadison.com offered to pay all of his bills for him but he turned it down. Howard said he's not sure why they did that. Howard said he's not sure what Noel Biederman is up to.
Sean said he's not looking to just take care of his own situation. He's trying to help people everywhere. Sean said he has spent over $100,000 on this fight. He said he and his new wife have a total of 5 kids they have to take care of. He said he has a couple and she has a couple and he also has a grandson.
Sean said the thing with the AshleyMadison.com thing is that if he took that then no one is trying to help everyone else. Howard said he's a good guy. He said he has a book out called ''A Father's Nightmare'' and you can find out more at FathersNightmare.com
Howard gave him a plug for the book and asked how he know that the kid wasn't his. Sean said that a friend told him he might want to look into a DNA test. Howard figured the guy had figured it out and told Sean to check into it.
Sean thanked Jack and Rod for not calling him. He figured for sure that's who he was going to get. Howard gave Sean another plug for his book and then let him go.
Robin said that you'd think the woman would be embarrassed by this whole thing. Howard said you'd be surprised by how little shame there is when it comes to money.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's in a similar situation and his wife took up with a friend. He said he's a teacher and he's paying $2,500 a month to this woman. Howard said the laws are so weird. He said that women used to get screwed in divorces but now they're getting this. Howard said the whole thing is screwy.
Robin said there's a great movie called ''Divorce American Style'' that's really good. It's very similar to this kind of story. Howard said most guys end up going back with their wives because they can't take it.
Howard said he found it weird when Angelina Jolie put her leg out of her dress. Howard said they cut away from her and it was very odd. Howard said that she has changed a lot and he's wondering if it was Brad Pitt who helped her pull it together. Howard said that she used to talk about being in love with her brother and wear a vile of blood at these shows. Howard said she has gotten too thin too. He said her head is like a lollipop head and her leg is too bony too. He said that she should keep it under the dress.
Howard said he lied that Jennifer Lopez showed her titties. Howard said he appreciates that. He said you almost see nip and people were debating whether or not that's what they were seeing. Howard said American Idol saved her.
Howard said when he does America's Got Talent they see these acrobatic acts and they say that they could be Cirque du Soleil but Cirque du Soleil was lame at the Oscar's. He said that Billy Crystal was lame doing that opening act thing that he does every time he hosts. He said he does the same thing over and over again.
Howard played some audio of Billy singing and then said that Seth Rogen would be a good host of that show. Howard said he saw him doing another show (Independent Spirit Awards) and he was really good at it. Howard said Billy Crystal isn't relevant anymore so he's not sure why they had him in there. Howard said that opening thing he does is the same old thing over and over.
Howard said that the movie ''The Artist'' is something that everyone he knows wanted to kill themselves after watching 5 minutes. He said he heard that there was a lot of arguing about which movie should win and they just broke down and gave it to The Artist. Howard said the French guy sucks too. Howard said Seth Rogen was talking about The Artist and how it should have been in a foreign films category. Gary said he liked the movie. He said he thought it was really good. Howard said that it's a silent movie. Gary said Howard should see it. Howard said he doesn't want to see it. Gary said he should. Howard said he won't. Robin hasn't seen it either. Howard said he knows people who tried to watch it and they hated it.
Howard said he had some audio of this French guy, Jean Dujardin, when he won the Oscar. Robin said that he goes into this really long explanation. Howard played some of that and Fred did his French guy impression a little bit. Howard said that's all he could think of when he heard this guy talking. Howard said Clooney or Pitt should have won that Oscar.
Howard had audio of the director of The Artist making his speech. He said that guy is annoying too. Howard said that guy will never be up there again. Howard goofed on the guy as the clip was playing. He said he hated this guy. He said he would have hit his X buzzer from America's Got Talent on this guy. He said he loves when all three of them hit their buzzer on the show. He said that when that happens the whole stage goes dark. He said the person stands there and then starts to walk off. Then they have to tell the person to come back. He said it's the most sadistic show on TV.
Howard played more of the director's acceptance speech and goofed on him some more. Howard did his French accent and Fred did his. Howard said he really hates that guy. Fred had Howard cracking up a few times. Howard played more of the speech and said he shouldn't have won. Howard said the movie was shitty and boring and he didn't even see it.
Howard said that George Harrison's son must have gotten a lot of dough from his father. Robin said of course he did. Howard said Danny Harrison looks just like his dad. He said he is a guitar player too. Howard said he put out an app and you can see all of his father's guitars. Howard said it's just a tour of all of his gear and they're charging $9.99 for it. Howard said you wonder if he has enough money or maybe his dad didn't even leave him anything. Howard read about the app and they say that Danny thinks of the guitars like they're family since he grew up with them.
Howard said that Billy Crystal did his Sammy Davis Jr. impression on the Oscars and some people are upset with that. Howard said he was in black face and people are upset. Howard said that if you're doing an impression you try to look like that person. He said people are really uptight.
Howard said he thought Chris Rock stole the Oscars. He played some audio of his time on stage at the Oscars. Chris was talking about animated films and how you can play any character when you're doing animation. He said that if you're black you can play a donkey or a zebra. Chris also talked about how easy it is to record for animated films. Chris did some lines and talked about just how easy it is. Howard got a laugh out of that. He said he's sporting a full afro these days. Robin said maybe he's playing a role in a movie or something.
Howard said he doesn't want to give away too much about the tapings but there were some transgenders at the taping and they said they were inspired by his hair. The caller said that she was at the taping and she thought Howard was having fun doing it.
The caller said that she's one of the contestants from the show. Howard asked what she did. She said she can't say what she did. Howard said he doesn't think she made it through. Howard said he thinks that he told her that the good thing about radio is that he can hang up on her. Howard said he knows who she is. Howard said he thinks that she's a nudnik. The caller asked if Robin would be interested in her. Howard said he doesn't think so. She asked if he can come on the show and perform. Howard said no. He said it's not easy to trash people who are his fans but he has to do it.
Howard said he saw the movie J. Edgar and he thought it was pretty good. He said it's pretty funny actually. He said he's a closeted homosexual and it's funny when he finally gets it on. Howard said he'd recommend the movie. Robin said the make up in the Margaret Thatcher movie was so much better.
Howard said they had another French dude on the Oscars. He said that guy's speech was really bad. He said that will get Fred really going.
Howard said he sees that P. Diddy does this weird thing on the red carpet. Howard said he has a guy who has a lint roller and rolls him on the carpet. Howard said it appears he's doing it to show that he has white people working for him doing menial things. Howard said it's weird. Howard said no one has lint removed while you're on the red carpet.
Howard said that Marty the Midget is there. He said they can't call him that anymore though. He said they'll have to call him Marty Klebba. Howard said he has to go to break before getting to him. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said Marty is happening now. He said he remembers when he was dancing in plays and stuff. Marty said they won't even let him in that place anymore. Howard said chicks love Marty.
Howard asked Marty if he's really against the Midget word. Marty said that it's like calling a Jewish person a kike or calling a black person the N-word. He said the word came around when PT Barnum made it up. Marty said you know someone is trying to piss you off or be derogatory. He said that it's something that pisses people off.
Howard asked Marty if he'd prefer that he call him an African American. Marty said that ''Marty'' is fine or maybe Marty the Actor. He said he actually met Eric the Actor at an autograph signing. He said he had no idea who he was. He said that they were both flipping him off in the picture.
Howard said he saw that Marty was in The Cape for a few episodes. Howard said he lost interest in the show. Robin said she thought it got better as it went along. Howard said he had a good part in it too. He was a main character.
Howard asked Marty if he's a millionaire now. Marty laughed. He said he's nowhere near a millionaire. He said he gets residuals from the Pirates movies but they fall off eventually. Howard said he thinks that Verne Troyer made good money in the Austin Powers movies. Marty said that he's Mike Myer's boy so he gets paid well. Howard asked if Marty got scale for doing the pirates movies. Marty said he was brought in as a stunt guy in the beginning but the director liked him so he hired him to be an actor.
Marty said that he has done some other movies like ''Project X'' which is a Todd Phillips movie. Howard asked what stunt he does in that one. Marty said he drove a Mercedes into a pool. He said he also picks a fight with 3 big guys and they toss him into an oven and try to hold him in there. He said that they stuck an apple in his mouth and things like that.
Howard said he could die driving a car into a pool. Marty said he's gotten hurt. He said he has a scar on his forehead. He said he did stunts for Warwick Davis and he got hurt pretty bad. He said he had 23 stitches in his head from that.
Howard asked Marty if he's scared out of his mind when he does the stunts. Marty said he has to perform for the boss. He said they tell him exactly what to do and they tell him to go 26 miles per hour so the car goes up but not over the pool. He said he swims out of the car when it goes into the pool. He said they have safety guys in the pool too.
Howard asked Marty about what stunt he was hired for in the Pirates movie. Marty said he was holding on to a rope and getting swung around. Howard said that sounds funny. Marty said he thinks Howard would love it. Howard asked what the hardest stunt was. Marty said they were in a bone cage and they fly up into the air and that wasn't easy. He said that they were strapped in but it wasn't easy.
Howard asked what kind of money he can make doing this stuff. Marty said doing stunts pays very well. He said that he gets more than a regular actor would. He said that a big name actor gets more but it takes a while to get there.
Howard asked Marty if he's a dwarf. Marty said he is. Howard said he didn't think he was. Marty was Marty the Dwarf and not Marty the midget. Marty said he's just Marty.
Marty said he's also in the movie ''Mirror, Mirror.'' Howard said he must be able to get good money doing these movies. Marty said he can get some good money. He said he's not rich but he gets paid well. Marty said he got married. Howard asked if he's ever banged any little people. Marty said he has. He said that he has fallen in love with 2 or 3 little people. Howard said he's a bullshit artist. Marty said one little person broke his heart. He said she was 3'6'' and the hottest little person he's seen.
Marty said that his friend Mike committed suicide in 2006. He said he had a lot of things going on. He said his dad died and he did it the day after his dad died. Marty said he had another friend that Howard made fun of who died a few months before that. He said he choked on his own vomit when someone turned him on his back when he was throwing up.
Howard asked what happened with the chick who dumped him. Marty said that he really loved this girl and she dumped him. He said he was with her for about 6 months. Marty said that he had been with other little people. He said he's been through about 30. Robin said that's a lot. Howard said he's seen him in action and chicks really do dig him.
Howard said he remembers Marty dating a full sized chick who he knocked up. Marty said he got engaged to her. He said they never got married. Marty said that kid is 15 now. He said he's about 5'6'' tall and his mom has done a great job with him. Howard asked if he's tight with him. Marty said he is. He said that he's thinking about moving back to Michigan to be closer to him. Marty said he's having another kid with the new wife too. He said he'd like to move away from L.A. to raise the kid.
Howard heard that his wife is only 26. Marty is 42. Howard asked if he laughs at guys who can't get laid. Marty said of course he does. Howard said he didn't know that he wasn't a midget. Marty said they used to call their group Midgets of America but they changed that to Little People of America.
Marty told Howard about how he asked his wife's father if he could marry her and he asked if he was going to dump her if she gets ugly when she ages. Marty said he's not going to do that. Marty said he really loves this woman and he can watch her sleep and he realizes just how lucky he is.
Howard asked how he met this girl. Marty said that she came with a friend to a little person convention and he met her there. Marty told Howard how they got together. The guys showed a picture of a woman who turned out not to be his wife. Marty said that's the wife of his friend Michael who killed himself.
Howard said Marty used to tell him that he loved banging chicks doggy style because it works for him. Marty said whatever works. Howard asked if he can do her missionary style. Marty said that he can do that and his head would be right at her breasts.
Howard saw a picture of Marty's wife and said she is a good looking woman. Marty said that she's so beautiful. Howard said it's not the easiest move to get a regular sized woman to go out with a little person. Robin said they should get him to talk to JD and help him get laid. Howard said JD has no confidence. Howard told JD to come in so he can give him a pep talk.
Howard said you can see Marty in Project X. Howard told him that JD has spent over $10,000 on internet porn. Howard said that Marty gets laid all the time. JD said that he's an actor. Howard said Marty was getting laid before he was in movies.
Marty told JD he has to get rid of that beard. He said he looks like Jeff bridges from King Kong. He said he has to wash that hair too. JD said he's out of there if this is what they're going to do. Howard told Marty to tell him the secret to getting girls. Marty said that confidence is all it takes. JD said he knows that. He said he gets insulted every time he walks into a room. Marty asked if he's in shape. JD said he's not. Howard said JD eats a lot of junk food and he's let himself go. Marty said he won't make it to 40 if he keeps that up.
Marty told Howard that he worked with Julia Roberts in ''Mirror, Mirror'' and she's great. He said he worked with the guy who played the twins in ''The Social Network'' in ''Mirror, Mirror.'' Howard asked if Marty has Johnny Depp's phone number. Marty said he does but he doesn't call. He said he hasn't really hung with the guy.
Marty has a problem with Rosie O'Donnell. He said that she was on a show with Chelsea Handler and she's trying to be Howard Stern from 20 years ago. He said they were talking about little people and Rosie said she's freaked out by them. Marty said that Chelsea said that she saved little people and helped get them jobs and stuff. He said that it's bull. Howard said he's surprised to hear that about Rosie. He said that you'd think she'd have some compassion about little people.
Marty said he understands that people have phobias but being freaked out by another person is just weird. Howard said maybe he'll patch Rosie and Marty up. Robin said Rosie should have him on her show.
Howard asked Marty if he signed a pre-nup with his wife. Marty said he has a living trust. He said that everything is in there. Howard said he's not sure what he's even talking about. Marty said that if you have a living trust you have a whole other entity that she can't get a hold of unless he says she can. Marty said he has sisters who will take care of that whole thing if he dies. Marty said his wife's father asked if he was going to do the pre-nup thing and he told him that he wasn't going to. Howard said that he had no idea about this living trust thing.
Marty said he has a charity basketball game and they have little people playing basketball against celebrities. Howard said that he played against Nils Loftgren and he lost to him. Nils is only like 5'1'' tall. Howard said he really sucks.
Marty said he started this charity where you can adopt little people. Howard said that might be kind of fun to raise a dwarf. He said as long as the kid can get work like Marty does. Howard said he'd let them shoot the kid out of cannons. Marty said he's never been shot out of a cannon. He said he's been next to a cannon though.
Howard asked Marty if he would forgive Rosie if she agreed to raise a dwarf. Marty said that anyone who gives a child a home is good in his book.
Marty said he's heard that Howard and Robin have nothing but nice things to say about him. Howard said that he loves him. He said they had some really good times together back in the day. They used to go to Scores together. Marty asked how his kids are doing. Howard said he has one daughter that's almost 30. Marty sounded shocked.
Howard said he heard that Brett Ratner was really shitty to Marty. Marty said that he's in this movie ''Movie 43'' and he was doing a scene and Brett was the director. He said he was really inappropriate with his wife. He asked her if she has a fetish for little people. He said that he got a call from his assistant asking if he would jump out of his cake at his birthday party. Marty said he's not going to do that. He said he probably would have pissed in the cake and then jumped out and left. He said Brett is a good director but that wasn't cool asking his wife if she had a fetish.
Marty asked Howard if he's really not going to get married. Marty said he's seen Beth but he didn't know that they got married. He said his wife Alison was cool. Howard said she's great. Marty asked how his parents are. Howard said they're still alive.
Howard and Marty talked about America's Got Talent and Howard said he could use Marty as a Howie Mandel replacement.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who asked if Howard would have aborted his kid if he was going to be like Marty. Howard said he would abort any kid, not just Marty. Howard said at this point he would. He doesn't want any more kids. Howard said he knows Marty and he has a great life. Robin said he loves Eric too. She asked if he would want everyone to be the same size. Howard said yes because it's just easier. Howard said that there are a lot of little people that commit suicide. Howard said he would abort pretty much everything.
Marty said he wouldn't do the abortion thing. He said that he's catholic so he doesn't believe in it. He said that he'd only do it if it was going to be something really bad that would make the kid's life really horrible. Howard said it would have been great if Angelina Jolie had spread her legs and Marty had dropped out.
Howard took a call from Debbie the Pet Lady who said that she was the star there at the audition. She said she can't say what her act was. Debbie said she was sent a letter saying she's going to be a stand by. She said that she can't read the whole letter to him though. She said they haven't finalized the whole thing yet. Howard asked what she'll do if he hits the buzzer on her. Debbie said she wants him to take her seriously. She said she worked hard on this act for 3 days.
Gary came in and said that she had to perform with a broken arm because she had broken it while riding a bike around trying to raise money to get to the audition. Debbie said she stepped up the act a bit for the audition. Howard said there are people who work really hard on this stuff. Debbie said that she's a bird comedy act and she's doing something totally unique and different. Howard said it would be funny if she came out and cooked the bird and ate it on stage. Howard let Debbie go a short time later.
Marty said that he loves the new studio. He asked if they're throwing baloney at anyone's ass. Howard said not today. Marty asked how Jackie is doing. Howard said he's a mess. Marty said he heard Artie isn't there anymore either. Howard said Artie had some problems too.
Howard had Eric the Actor on the phone again. Howard said he can ask one question. Eric said hi to Marty and said he saw the previews for ''Mirror, Mirror'' and if Lilly Collins is as good looking in person as she is in the preview. Marty said she's really gorgeous. Howard said Eric has had multiple women at once before. Marty said that he never helped him out like that. Howard said Marty didn't need the help. Marty did just fine.
Gary came in and said that Grillo is there today and he told him a story about Marty getting a waitress at a restaurant they went to once. He got her in the bathroom at the restaurant. Howard said he's a real man. Marty told the story and said that his father in law is going to kill him after hearing this stuff.
Howard said Grillo looks kind of like Marty. Marty said he has a gut now but he's a good kid. He said he's always loved Grillo. Howard said Grillo probably wishes he was a little person.
Howard asked if Grillo came in with him. Marty said he did. Howard told Grillo to come in. Grillo is as big as a house now. Howard said Grillo used to be an intern there. Howard asked what's going on with his horrendous acting career. Grillo said he's not acting but he's taking classes. He said he keeps trying and something's got to stick eventually. He said he was out of work for a while and got depressed. That's why he gained the weight.
Grillo said he's so proud of Marty. He said he might get more work if he was small like Marty. He said that he liked the series he did called ''Knee High P.I.'' Howard asked how his marriage is going. Grillo said that they get on each other's nerves at times but it's good. Howard said he's glad Marty and Grillo found each other. He gave Marty some more plugs and Marty said he has a script he wants him to read. Howard said he's out of that whole thing so he's not doing that. Marty said he's a guy who kicks vampires asses. Howard seemed a little interested but he wrapped up and went to break a short time later. Grillo got in a plug for the place he's working at. You can find out more at TheProductionPlant.com or email him at email@example.com
Howard came back and said they have a new contest coming up called the Triple X Factor. Howard said people will perform naked for them there. Howard said you can find out more at SiriusXM.com/Howard
Howard said he should be able to write lyrics to songs. He said he's heard this Zeppelin song like 500 times and he still has no idea what they're saying.
Howard tried taking a call but the guy wasn't there. Howard said he found the speech from the French guy who won for ''best score'' at the Oscars. Howard said that you can't understand a word the guy is saying. Howard played the clip and laughed. Howard said he hates that whole ''The Artist'' thing and he can tell it's a shitty movie without even seeing it. Howard said no one will remember that movie. That got Fred going with his French guy impression. Howard and Fred both did their French guy impressions for a couple of minutes. Howard said those were the highlights of the show for him. He said this was a one in a billion thing for them. He said it'll never happen for them again.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a great time at the show. He said he got a fist bump from Howard. He said they had a little break and he got up on stage and danced. He said they were throwing T-shirts out and people would come up on stage to get one. He said he got up there and started dancing and he got booed. Howard said he wasn't there for that. The caller said he knows he wasn't there. He just wanted to tell the story. Howard said they get like 2 pee breaks so you run when that happens.
Howard said it came out last week that Steven Hawking goes to sex clubs so that inspired Sal and Richard to make some prank calls. Robin said she's not sure that Steven Hawking can have sex. Howard said that would suck. He played the prank call Sal and Richard made to a strip club using a computer generated voice. The woman at the club said it would be no problem to have him there. The had the voice telling the woman that he can't wipe his ass so he might smell bad. She said that's fine with her. The woman was getting fed up and said that he's testing her patience. They had the voice say that his cock was dripping more than his mouth. She eventually said she had to get going because she had customers coming in. Howard had more of the computer generated voices so he had him talking to Robin.
Howard thanked Jon for that and took a call. The caller said it was like Woodstock out in San Francisco. He said he got his arm signed and went out and got it tattooed. He said it looks like a Chinese script and it came out really cool. Howard said it didn't look good to him but he got it tattooed anyway. Howard said he botched the signing and he must have gotten the second, better one tattooed.
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played her in with a song parody. Robin started off with a story about daily aspirin use and how there can be some side effects. She said that you can have stomach bleeding and things like that going on. Howard mentioned that his doctor had told him to start doing it. Howard said it can't be right to take low dose aspirin. Robin said she's been telling him this for a long time. Robin said there are many side effects.
Robin read about how sleeping pills are being linked to death. Robin said that Ambien and others are listed in the article. Robin said the cause is unclear but they're saying non-chemical cures might be the way to go for insomnia. Howard said he takes Ambien like 6 times a year and he's not giving it up. They went to break after that.
After the break, around 9:35am, Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read a story about states that are trying to make abortions more difficult to get. Robin said in Virginia they're moving through a new law to make it more difficult. Robin said that there are other states doing the same thing. Robin read about some of the different things they're trying to get women to do to make it more difficult for them. Howard said he can't believe that this debate is still going on.
Robin read about this HPV vaccine that's out and asked Howard if he thinks it should be mandatory. Howard said that HPV can cause throat cancer in men who eat out women. Howard said he doesn't know enough about it to comment. He said that low dose aspirin is causing blindness. He said he doesn't know.
Robin read about a hard landing at Newark Airport this morning. Robin said the front nose gear would not deploy in this air plane but no one was hurt when they made their landing. Robin said it was a little scary for people on board but they were all okay.
Robin had some audio of Rick Santorum talking about the government bail out of Detroit, in Michigan. Robin said that it's Romney's home town. Robin had some audio of Romney making a speech in another place in Michigan. Howard said that the three nominees are bashing each other so much that Obama has a 53 percent approval rating now. He said that they're going to screw themselves if they keep it up. Howard said Santorum is a loony guy. He said he's got so many things that he's against and it's some agenda.
Robin read about a 16 year old kid who shot up his high school lunch room yesterday. Robin had some audio of some kids talking about what the scene was like there at the school. Howard said that from what he read he thinks that this is about puberty and how it changes kids. He said there's that change that comes and you get really weird. He said that the kids leave one kid behind. He said he never went through that since his whole community moved away from him. Howard said in 10th grade he moved and he wasn't popular. He said no one was looking for him there. Robin said there was a kid who said that there was a lot of bullying going on with the kid. The girl said that he (the shooter) was a great person. Robin said the kid is due in court this afternoon. Howard said that's what that Pearl Jam song is about. He sang some of ''Jeremy'' and then did a live commercial.
Robin read about the new cast of Dancing with the Stars. Gladys Knight is one of the stars. Robin said that some of the others are Jaleel White (Urkel), Martina Navratilova, Sherri Sheppard, Melissa Gilbert and Donald Driver. Howard said he heard that Maria Menounos is also in. Robin said that's right. Robin read a few other names from the full list. Howard said they asked Beth to do it again too. He said they must be desperate. Howard said Beth wondered why they'd want her. Howard said he'd like to see her dance.
Robin read about an Arizona woman who fell 300 feet to her death in the Grand Canyon. Howard said he's been there and you can easily fall off. He said it's easy fall if you make one wrong step there. Robin said they say that this woman was hiking when she fell to her death. Robin said it was found to be accidental but will continue to investigate. Howard said he went there a couple of times. He said that only a couple fell and died. He said he was an excellent counselor. Howard said he somehow got out of walking down though.
Robin read about a study that found that people who are higher in the socio economic groups often behave in ways that are unethical. Robin said they say that elevated wealth status makes them want more and it will lead to them bending or breaking rules more often. Howard said that you should be happy with what you have. He said he sees guys who make money and want to make even more investing in stock and stuff. Howard said that Madoff character could have done just fine if he didn't rip people off.
Robin read about a senator from New Jersey who wants all domestic oil products to stay in the U.S. Robin said that he's saying that he may introduce a bill that would keep oil companies from exporting their products. Howard said he likes that idea. Robin said he's saying if we produce it here then we should keep it here. Howard said he likes that. Robin said that exports are good for us because other countries send their exports to us too. Howard said that we should just march into the mid-east and take the oil. Robin said that's not going to happen.
Robin had some news about Michael Douglas and a public service announcement he's done for the SEC. Robin had some audio of that. Robin said he was chosen because he played Gordon Gecko in ''Wall Street.'' Howard said he'd be willing to squeal on anyone doing insider trading but how often is he going to be exposed to it. Robin said it apparently goes on a lot on Wall Street and they're looking for people who are doing the wrong thing.
Robin read a story about the Academy Awards ratings and how well they did. Howard said he thinks people were excited to see Billy Crystal. Robin said it was the most watched telecast on ABC in two years. Robin said that they had coverage from 4:30 in the afternoon on.
Robin read about a trial that's coming up for a Rutgers student who allegedly spied on his gay roommate which eventually led to the roommate committing suicide. Robin had audio of one student testifying at the trial.
Robin read about a guy in New Jersey who allegedly ran over his girlfriend 3 times and killed her. Robin said that he's been accused of mowing down his girlfriend after a heated argument. Robin said they say he hit her once, backed up and hit her again and then ran over her one more time. Robin said he was found with his passport and money on him so he may have been trying to get home by fleeing the country.
Robin read a story about an Olympic snow boarder whose mom got arrested and now the daughter has to bail her out. The mom was allegedly involved with some marijuana ring and she was arrested.
Robin read about an auction for some sports memorabilia and a Babe Ruth jersey is expected to fetch at least a million dollars. Robin said that they say that it could challenge auction records.
Robin read about Sean William Scott having two new movies coming out. She had some audio of him talking about one of them with Jimmy Kimmel.
Robin said that Megan Fox was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Howard said she's doing really well after getting out of that movie series she was in. Robin said she talks about getting her Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed. Howard played that clip and Megan was talking about the laser surgery she's using to get it removed.
Robin said that Tarzan actor Steve Sipick just got out of jail. Howard said he's not sure who that even is. Robin said he must have been one of the later ones who no one cared about. Robin said that guy had some exotic pets and now the state of Florida has possession of them. Robin had some audio of this guy talking about his pets. Howard wondered if he was French because he was very hard to understand. Howard said he sounds like he was raised by a mush mouthed ape. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:10am.
Jon brought up Eric the Actor and Jason pretended to be Gary saying that he hates that guy. Jon went over a few more things and Jason kept going as Gary until Gary actually showed up.
Jon brought up Marty Klebba and how he told Howard not to call him a Midget years ago. Gary said that he didn't think that was true but Jason said he looked it up and Marty did tell him not to call him that. Gary said he had no idea and he thought he was still Marty the Midget until he read the notes about him today.
Gary said Marty and his friend Michael, who committed suicide, would come by the show years ago and they would do the Radio City Christmas shows back then. He said that they got mad at Marty for talking about banging one of the dancers there. Gary said that if you're looking for an action star then Marty is your guy.
Jon asked if Grillo is jealous of his success. Gary said he thinks Grillo is jealous of everyone at this point. Jason said he thinks he's just happy he's still involved with someone in the business. Gary said Grillo thinks that he's going to hit it some day but just because you keep trying doesn't mean that you will.
Jon asked Benjy if he thinks he should keep trying. Benjy said he hates people telling other people to give up. He said he should keep trying as long as he can.
Jon asked if they feel bad for Grillo. Gary said he sympathizes with him. He said that he's tried so many things and they haven't worked out. Jason said that he had a run on the Sopranos and worked with Jodi Foster on a movie. He said that he thinks a lot of people would be happy with that. He said that Grillo worked with Howard, he worked on the Sopranos and more.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was wondering if Gary would sit in the audience for America's Got Talent and maybe have Eric the Midget on his lap. Gary said that would be demeaning to do that. He said there is no room for error with Eric. He said that Eric thinks that he's controlling him and that's just not what's happening. Jon asked why it gets under his skin so much. Gary said Eric lacks the grateful gene. He said that he didn't thank him for getting him into the event out in San Francisco. He said that Eric only finds the negative things about the whole experience.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Eric's parents have to be the most tight assed, rigid people ever. Gary said he has a different vibe on that. He said he used to feel that way but now he realizes how difficult Eric is to deal with and his parents probably have to be that way with him. Jason said that he doubts that Gary is the only one he speaks to in the way he does.
Gary said when he first met Sal he would talk about how he didn't get along with his wife and he thought it was his wife that was the problem but now he sees it can't be easy to be married to Sal with the way he behaves.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if Howard will be able to rant more when AGT starts to air. Gary said he thinks that Howard is enjoying doing the show so far and he's very happy for him. He said his biggest fear was that Howard was going to think it was a big mistake but that hasn't happened.
Jon asked Gary why he thinks JD had such a problem getting advice from Marty. Gary said he's not sure. JD was in so he said that he's not sure where all of that was coming from. Gary said it came from Marty having to overcome something and he was trying to show JD how to exude confidence. JD said he knows that some girls dig little guys like that. He said it was fine until Marty told him to shave and things like that.
Gary asked if he was like ''Who the fuck is Marty to give advice?'' JD said he was making fun of how he looks. Benjy said that Howard was bringing in a loser for Marty to judge. Jason said that Marty gets laid on a regular basis and he had to get over a handicap to do it. He was just giving advice to JD. Benjy said that it's always annoying when you get advice when you're not looking for it. Gary said that's because they give a lot of advice to Benjy when he doesn't ask for it.
JD was getting upset with Jason today for some reason. JD said it's always like this with him. Gary said Will is even worse but he doesn't get angry with him. JD said he doesn't like people making fun of him to get attention. He said Will doesn't do that. He said Will does it behind the scenes.
Jason made a comment about JD's beard covering up his multiple chins so JD was ready to walk out. They talked him into staying.
The guys talked about how Jason is being like Eric the Actor by getting under everyone's skin. Jason said that he's just joking around. JD said that Jason thinks that he's better than everyone. Jason said that JD thinks the same thing. Jason said that JD doesn't understand why chicks pick him over JD in the F, Marry, Kill games.
Jon asked Will what's going on between those two. Will said that it's been going on a long time. Will said that JD does mind it when he does it to him so he's cut back on it. Gary said Will still makes fat jokes about him but he doesn't get as upset as he does with Jason.
Will said that he and JD have a different kind of friendship. He said that JD and Jason don't have that same thing. Gary said he knows that and he was hoping that JD would say that. JD was still getting worked up over what Jason was doing and Jason just laughed.
Jason pointed out that JD was headlining at Ronnie's Block Party this weekend. JD said he never asked to do that. He said they asked him to do it. Jason said that he claims he's not looking for attention but he's doing those shows. JD said he's not looking for attention. They went back and forth on that for a minute. Gary said he had no idea this was brewing but everyone else seems to know about it.
Jon said he knows that Jason is ball busting but this seems to be getting worse. Jason said he had a friendship in his head that apparently wasn't going on. He said that he realized that they're not really good friends. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked JD about why he gets upset so easy. JD said he doesn't like confrontation. He said he doesn't want to rock the boat. JD said that this is going to cause more bullshit. He said he'd rather not take it and he's not even sure how it got brought up today.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that JD's problem is that he has that dysfunctional family. He said he doesn't like Jason and he thinks that he's living in the closet. He asked the guys if they think he's living in the closet. Gary said he doesn't think so. Will said Jason wouldn't fit in a closet.
Jon took another call from a guy who said Jason sounds like Fozzie bear. Jason said he knows. He said he hates his own voice. The caller said that Jason is an instigating mother fucker too. He said he hopes that one day he chokes on a fucking hamburger on that stupid fucking show he does with Jon. Jason said that if he dies choking on a cheeseburger he'd be happy.
Gary said Jason grew up listening to the show. He asked if he feels he has to fill in where Stuttering John left off. Jason said he finds enjoyment with this whole thing. He said that he sees the fun and excitement in it all. He said they have a new Howard TV special coming up about throwing people under the bus and he takes his own lumps there. He said he doesn't go behind people's backs like some do. He said he's not sure why some people get so bent out of shape. This has been going on for 30 years on this show.
Will said that he warns people about having a confrontation with Jason. He said that Jason always has to have the last word. Jason said he wants people to do that. He said he likes that.
Benjy said that Jason seems to enjoy hurting people. Jason said that he does when he gets into it with some people. He said that he will go for the killer if he can. He said he doesn't see hitting JD over his chins as being below the belt. Gary said that Benjy doesn't do it that much like Jason does. Gary told him he should do it more. Jason agreed.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it sounds very mean when Jason is doing what he does. He said that he sounds like he's being a dick a little bit. Jason said he is but he goes for the jugular. Jason said that he can be relentless and he knows it's a major flaw.
Jon said he's seen that look in Jason's eyes. He knows when he's going after someone. Gary said that it can be very entertaining when he does it. He said when he's on the other side it's very entertaining.
Jon said that this has been going on for years in the office. Gary said he had no idea. Jason said he denied it for years. He said that he just recently woke up and realized that everything he says to JD pisses him off. Will said that these things come up and it can over flow like it did today. JD said he can deal with Jason at times but there are other times when it's like it is today. He said he's trying to be civil.
Jason said that he and JD have never gotten into a fight outside of work. He said it only happens at work. He said one time JD was into it with someone else and once he said something JD snapped. He said it doesn't happen at lunch or anything.
Will said that JD got really upset when Jason posted on Twitter about him being creepy with guests on GEEKTIME. Gary said the most interesting thing for him is that Jason and JD are 5 feet apart and they haven't looked at each other in 20 minutes.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jason is a tattle tale little bitch. He said that he hates JD's celebrity and that he has more followers on Twitter and things like that. He said Jason is a wanna be and he talks like he has a cock in his mouth. He said he wishes he was there so he could defend JD.
Jon asked Jason if he's jealous of JD at all. Jason said there is no jealousy there. He said there are people who do things around there that they don't deserve the credit for but it's not JD.
Jon took another call from a guy who said people really hate Jason and it's really not funny when he's being nasty. He said that he should be happy he has this venue to let his anger out on. Jason said he is thankful for what he has. They had to take another break after that.
Will said that JD and Jason agreed that they weren't going to be beer pong partners anymore and that's when things seemed to go downhill. JD said that Jason was calling him a creep on Twitter and he didn't want to be team mates with him anymore.
JD said that Jason was the one who announced the beer pong thing. Jason said that he thinks that JD was the one who instigated the break up. JD moved on to be partners with Ben Barto and Jason teamed up with Teddy.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked JD if he knows where he works. JD said of course he knows where he works. The caller asked if the guys think that JD is going to end up a loser like Grillo. Gary and Will said he won't. Gary said JD has a very specific skill and he's very good at it. The caller said that JD should be getting laid every weekend. JD told the caller to come try to be him and see how it is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jason is very entertaining when he does that fat guy show. He said he has great talent but maybe not on the Stern Show. He said JD should release the anger and let it go. Jason said his fat guy show is coming back soon.
Gary asked JD if this relationship is repairable. JD said he doesn't know. Right now he has no interest in repairing it though. Will asked Jason why he keeps kicking JD in the balls when he's down. Jason had thrown out a joke about JD having 12 films in his head so he'll be fine when the show ends. Jason said he's going to take jabs when he can. He said that JD isn't reaching out to make up with him so he will keep going. Jason said he must not care.
Jon asked JD if this is worse than Jared. JD said he never really hung out with Jared. He said that they were never friends. He said he'd rather have Jason on his beer pong team than Jared. Jason said that the window is now open for repairing the relationship.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about Jason's many fights. Will said there's a list of people Jason has been in fights with and they have a list of about 50 people on that list. Gary asked if he and Ralph get along. Jason said they have had fights but they make up and forget about it. Will said that Jason won't confront Ralph and he seems to be the guy that he's afraid of. Benjy said that he talks behind Ralph's back all the time. Jason asked when he's done that. Jon cut him off and said that's all the time they have and ended the show at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about going over the email and how someone corrected him about correcting people about their grammar when his is so bad. Howard said his wife is constantly correcting him and he never understands it.
Howard read the email he got and the person was correcting him about using he or him in a sentence. Howard said he can't think about that stuff because he has to be funny. He said he just goes with what's in his head. Howard said if he thinks about it for 10 minutes he could figure it out. Howard said he's not a bright guy that way. He said he has some common sense but he's not a good book learner. Howard said he can fake it usually.
Howard said the only time he likes to read is when he's eating. He said when his food is gone, his reading is gone. Howard said he can read the NY Times magazine section and eat but once he's done eating he's done reading. Howard said he can't read anymore after that. He said he doesn't care and he just gets up and does other shit. Robin said that's okay. It's not his thing.
Howard read more of the email and the writer was saying that when he hears Howard use he or him in a sentence wrong it makes them crazy. Howard also corrects Richard on some things and that makes them crazy too.
Howard asked Robin about her education because she's very well educated. Robin said she was one of the families that was changing the neighborhood in their area. Howard said that he knows what that's like. Robin said they didn't have a lot of money and it didn't take much to move into that area. She said that her dad was steel worker. She said that there were maybe one or two families that didn't move out. She said they were the only two white families. She said that they used to have wars with the white kids.
Howard said he had wars with the Italian kid in the neighborhood. He said that he was a bully and he'd beat him up. Howard said the kid was fat and he just hated him. He said he would get nauseous whenever he'd see him. Howard said they'd always argue over their property line. He said he'd tell the kid he lives in a shit hole so he shouldn't argue over his property line. Robin said they had people like that in their neighborhood too.
Howard said sometimes this kid would play with him but then he'd say he can't pass by this part of the street or he'd get his ass kicked. He said growing up was just great. He said now it's great because he has a security team of like 500 guys who will beat the shit out of guys.
Howard went over some of the things that were going on with JD and Jason and how they have this history with beer pong and things like that. Gary said they were talking about the beer pong thing and how they decided not to be partners anymore. Howard said he wants to know more about this whole battle. He said if they're good at beer pong together maybe they should stick together. He said it must have gotten so bad they couldn't do it.
JD came in and told Howard that he and Jason weren't that good at Beer Pong. He said they lucked out and won one year. He said that it had been a while since they had played and Jason had tweeted out some stuff on Twitter about how creepy he was on some shows he was doing and he figured that he didn't want to be his partner anymore. He said that was it. JD said he had thought about it for a while. He said he's partners with Ben Barto now. He said they've only won one game.
Jason came in and said that his new partner is Teddy and they did horrible. Jason said he didn't realize how much those texts bothered JD. He said he was creepy though. Jason said he sincerely apologizes if it really hurt his feelings. JD said okay but he didn't sound convincing. He said he really does love Jason but he can be annoying. He said he just goes too far.
Howard said he heard that JD was getting creepy with Katrina Bowden on What's Worth Watching and Jason had tagged her name in the post. JD said it's not like he'd have a chance with her because she's engaged. Jason said ''like he had a chance before...'' JD said this is what he's talking about.
Gary told Howard he had the audio of JD talking about Katrina on What's Worth Watching. In the clip JD was telling Katrina, in person, that he had kind of stalked her in the parking lot nearby. JD said he's sorry about that. Katrina said she was probably running late. She said she's always fighting through tourists.
Howard said that JD and Jason were going at it on the Wrap Up Show too. He said they appear to dislike each other. Howard said a lot of people think they can do anything to JD and think he can take it. Howard said that you have to know that he's going to get upset if you call him a creep. Jason said that they hang out and ball bust each other. He said he thinks that JD just doesn't like him. He said that other people will bust his balls and he's fine until he does it.
Howard said maybe JD likes him so much that it upsets him more than other people. JD said there's that. He said that Will busts his balls too. He said that Robin will jump in and pile on too. Robin said that this is like watching a tennis match with just one person in it.
Jason said he likes JD a lot and he doesn't like that they go through this. Howard said he has a lot of issues with Jason. JD said he has a lot of issues, period.
Howard said that JD and Jason are always evaluated on the Intern Show as F, Marry, Kill contestants and they get upset over that. Jason might win over JD and JD will say that he can't believe people picked Jason over him. Jason said he can't help it when that happens.
Howard said that Jason just rubs JD the wrong way. JD said that he didn't want to get into any of this because when Jason argues with someone he's smart and good at talking. He said he's quick and he won't relent. He said he won't stop and he can't win against that.
Gary said they were fighting and JD was stewing and he could see it. Then Jason would make a joke about JD's five chins and he's relentless.
Robin asked why he doesn't have a problem with Will when he goofs on him. Howard said JD is in love with Will. JD said that's the way it's been since he started there. Howard said Will is the cooler guy. Fred was doing his impression of JD and Robin was laughing so hard that she was crying. Howard asked what's so funny. Robin said that it just goes on and JD never got out a thought. Howard said he's keeping his mouth shut so he can make a point. He said he's trying to understand what's going on there.
Howard asked JD if he likes Will because he's more athletic or what. JD said he's no psychiatrist so he doesn't know what's going on there. That led to Fred goofing on JD some more and Robin laughing even more.
Howard said Will is JD's man crush. JD said there is no man crush. He said he thinks that Will is funny. Howard said there's nothing wrong with a bromance. Howard said he has that with Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said he has never cried over Jimmy though. Howard asked JD if he had to sleep with one of them, would it be Will or Jason. JD said he'd kill himself. Howard said that's the right answer.
Robin said JD kept walking out of the studio when Marty was there. JD said he was goofing on him and he didn't know what was even going on. He said he tried to deal with it but then Jason was calling him a baby in the back. He said he kept going. Jason said he just said it once. Jason said that he just asked if he was going to be a baby and leave the studio. Jason said he could have just walked out and been done with it. JD said he knows Jason would have continued it if he had left. He said he knows his M.O.
JD said there are times when he can deal with it. He said he has been pissed off at Will before. He said he was pissed this morning. Howard asked what he did this morning. JD said it was nothing. He said he was just joking around. Howard asked what it was. JD said he can't remember. JD said he just remembers being upset.
Howard had some clips from yesterday's Wrap Up Show. He played one where JD was talking about Jason and Will goofing on him and why he can't deal with Jason and then starts to walk out.
Howard said they're both rocking back and forth at the same rhythm as they're listening to this. Howard said that Jason made a good point about how JD thinks he's better than Jason. Howard said that it's true when he goes after him after the Interns say they like Jason better. Howard said it's so great that they don't like each other. JD said there are times when he likes Jason.
Howard played more of JD and Jason going at it yesterday. JD had some trouble getting his thoughts out so Robin was cracking up again.
JD said that when it's on air he gets upset. He said it's one thing off the air but another when it's on the air. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to hear more. Robin laughed and said ''yes.'' JD asked if she needed more tissues.
Howard played more of Jason and JD talking about the problems they have with each other. JD talked about the things Jason tweeted about him and how he was calling him creepy.
Howard asked Will what he had to add to this. Will said the difference he sees in that relationship is that he and JD are doing it as a friendship thing and when Jason does it it's more to dig at JD. Howard asked JD if it's less of a sting with Will. JD said for the most part Will will start off with something and then Jason will add on and he doesn't need more people piling on. He said he has designated Will as the guy who can constantly bust his balls. JD fights back too. Will said that's very hurtful.
Howard played another clip from Wrap Up where Jon was talking to JD about stewing over the whole argument and JD said he doesn't like to rock the boat or cause problems... or whatever.
Howard said he loves JD and the guys. He said he hears this and thinks about how he won't be able to retire. He said they don't have anywhere to go. Howard said he's going to have to keep them employed because they're like his kids. Howard said he can't leave. He said they're like a family. Howard asked if they can do anything else. He said JD is so vulnerable. Howard said maybe he could pay JD off and let him leave so he won't have to worry about him. JD told him not to worry. Howard said he can't even get out a sentence. Howard said being a film director is impossible. Fred did an impression of what that might sound like.
Howard said JD needs him. He said they all do. Howard said Gary thinks that he can go produce somewhere else. He said he has no idea what it's like out there. Gary said if he really cared about them he'd say they're good at what they do and he's going to leave in 3 years when his contract is up. Howard asked Gary what job he can do. Gary said he can produce. Howard said he can't do that.
Howard said he had a guy pitching him on a network TV show and he offered Gary up as a producer. Howard said he said ''Gary!?'' He said that this is a major production and they can't know what they're doing if they put Gary in charge of that. Howard said Gary knows nothing about TV. Gary said this is almost like a TV show and he could handle it. Gary said he could absolutely do it. Howard said if he needs a crew to produce America's Got Talent then he has to come see the production. Gary said he understands that but he could do it. Gary said he doesn't have to know every little thing about the production. Howard said it was a deal killer for him when they offered to have Gary produce it.
Robin said that Howard is like the people who Gary has to go out and see. Howard said that he must be wrong. Maybe he should look at Gary that way. Gary asked why he'd bother now. Howard said he just figured he'd never done TV before so he wouldn't be good at it.
Howard said Gary is really good. He's just busting his balls. He said he wanted to get Gary to go after him and it didn't work. Howard said he wouldn't hire Gary if he was bad at his job. Gary said that's what he tells people when they tell him that he sucks. Howard said he thought that for the first 10 years or so.
Gary said Howard wanted to buy him a suit and he told him he can afford it. Howard said he wanted to buy him a gift that he wouldn't buy normally. Gary said it was a nice gesture but Howard still thinks of him as a little kid. Howard said he really does. Howard said he still sees him as a 12 year old. He said he can't believe that Gary has a kid going to college. Gary said he's 51 years old now. Howard thought he was 50. Howard asked if he had a big party. Gary said his wife turned 52 so she wasn't celebrating. Howard said his birthday is in two weeks. Howard said he got a 2 week notice on his calendar. He said he likes Gary and he's a good producer.
Howard said it's hard to work for him. He said he never fires anyone and he's critical of them when he goes home. Robin said that Gary is good and he knows how it is to work with Howard. She said he had the AGT people putting Eric the Actor in a certain spot to keep him away from him.
Howard said as far as JD goes he has a lot going on. He said that he just wants to be left alone. Robin said he appears to like people but he wants to be left alone. Howard asked JD what he wants there. JD said he's fine. Howard said he must like working on the show. JD said being known and stuff is good. Howard told him to tell him what he wants. JD said he'd like a nice suit. Howard said that's the one thing he won't give him.
Howard asked JD if he wants to be part of the ribbing and be one of the guys. JD said that's fine. Howard asked if he wants him to remove him from the air completely and just go away. Howard said Evan isn't known but he's there all the time. Howard said he could make Evan a star but he hasn't. He said he could make JD go away like that. JD said he likes being part of the team. He said the pros outweigh the cons and he can deal with the cons.
Howard gave Robin an F, Marry, Kill with JD, Jason and Benjy. Robin said he's done this to her before. JD said she's killed him before. Robin said maybe things have changed. Howard said Robin is swimming off the deserted island. He said that she's on an island with those three and she's out of there. Howard asked Robin who she'd marry. Robin said she would marry Jason. Howard said she has to fuck one of them now. Howard asked who she'd fuck. Robin laughed. Howard told Benjy to look at Robin. Robin took a look at him and laughed. Howard told her to make her choice. Robin laughed and said she'd fuck Benjy. She'd have to kill JD. Robin said she thought things had changed. Howard said she just killed JD. Howard laughed. Howard asked if that hurts. JD said it's par for the course. Howard said Jason is going to go back there and goof on JD about it. JD said the last time Jason cheered when Robin picked him. Robin said she thought that things might have changed. It did take her longer to make her choice.
Howard asked JD when he got laid last. JD said it was during the summer. Howard asked who the chick was. JD said she was a regular lady. Howard said that he must meet them on Twitter. JD said that all of the interest is on Twitter and Facebook. He said that most people aren't close by. The ones who are have boyfriends or husbands.
Howard asked JD if he fucks girls from out of town usually. JD said he does. Howard asked if they stick around for more than a day. JD said they don't usually. Howard said their tires are squealing to get out of there fast. Robin was still laughing.
Howard asked JD if he gets chicks at the comedy shows he does. JD said they all have boyfriends. He said that the boyfriends tell him that their girls are in love with him. He said that's just great.
Howard said he heard that JD had a girl come to meet him but she had a boyfriend with him. JD said he was just her ''friend'' but she did come with another guy. Howard said he had a similar thing happen in college. Howard said this one girl had a friend in the room with her the whole time. He said they smoked hash the entire day and then he went home and took four hits of acid when he got home. He said he must have been a bad kisser. He said he knows what it's like.
JD told Howard what went on with this girl and how he had been talking to her on the web before she came to the show. He said he didn't really want to talk about it. JD said maybe things can happen in the future though.
Howard said that the girl wanted to bring her friend to the hotel and JD couldn't just say no. JD said they sat there and talked and that was it. Howard said the friend was there to make sure JD didn't try to get it on with her. Howard said now she can tell her friends that she hung out with JD from the Howard Stern Show. JD said he has spoken to her since then and maybe she could still be interested. Howard said that's not cool to show up with a friend like that.
Howard said if she hadn't brought the friend JD would have put the moves on her. JD said he might have made a move. Howard asked if he had to whack one out that night. JD said he just went to bed. Howard asked if he tweeted about her. JD said he didn't. Howard told him not to do that. Don't give her anything.
Howard asked JD what he talked to the girl about. JD said they talked about the show and what happened. Howard asked if he thought the friend might leave at some point. JD said with his luck he figured he wasn't going anywhere. Howard said the dude must have been staring at him. JD said they were all talking. Howard said that's great to hear some dude talking to him in his room. JD said he knew what the deal was. Howard said he should have just kicked them out of the room. He said she knew what she was doing. JD said she's fine. Howard said she's just great.
Howard said it's lots of fun to hang out with some dude and a chick. Howard asked if he did any drugs or anything. JD said he doesn't do coke and he doesn't even smoke weed. He said that he barely even drinks. JD said they hung out until like 3 in the morning or so. He said he had to get up and travel later in the morning. Howard imagined what it was like for him to deal with.
Howard said Benjy never gives up so maybe JD is like that. Howard said they have a Howard TV special coming up with Benjy and Elisa and it's so funny. He said they do a club appearance and they show Benjy's apartment and things like that. Howard said it had his attention. He said it's called Benjy and Elisa Behind the Scenes. Howard said that they show Elisa telling Benjy to put his hat on. Doug Goodstein said it starts next week on Howard TV.
Howard kept saying Elisa's name wrong so Benjy corrected him. Howard said Elisa can sing and Benjy is such a no-talent. Howard said that she's putting a wig on him and things like that. He said it's really good.
Howard said he's not sure JD has the skills to wear this chick down like Benjy does. Benjy asked JD if this girl has indicated that she's interested in him. JD said she has. Howard asked why she'd spend all of that time in his room with him and the friend. JD said maybe she's playing hard to get. Howard was laughing at JD so JD asked what he wants from him. Howard said he's trying not to laugh but it's kind of pathetic.
Howard said he had more chicks than JD has but they'd only stick around for one time. Howard asked how old JD is now. JD said he's 32. Howard said he was like 16 when he was getting girls. JD said he lost his virginity at 25 on their last day at K-Rock. Howard asked what happened to that chick. JD said she lives out in Vegas.
Howard said he had to take a break. He has to let JD go. Howard asked if he wants him to talk to anyone. JD said he's fine. Howard said JD can't give shit to people either if he doesn't want to take shit. JD said he knows the give and take. Howard told him he can leave now. Howard said he loves that guy. He worries about him. Howard said he sees he has a lot of people on the phone. He said he'll get to that and the news department. He said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and talked about how upset he was with Richard and Sal. He said they gave him a phony phone call where they used a fake name on the air and it wasn't the greatest. Howard said that they got in a birthday announcement for ''Betty Poundser.'' Howard said he told Gary that Jackie used to have a million of them and they were like ''Luke Atmydick'' and things like that. Howard said he didn't think Betty Poundser was all that great.
Howard said he was talking about Mr. Methane yesterday and he thinks that America's Got Talent was in touch with him but he doesn't have a work visa. Howard said he'd love for them to get him on the show. Howard said he's a super star. Howard said he'd make the guy a star. He said he'd put him right through. Howard said he bets that he'd win if he put him through.
Robin said that Howard has said he's looking for big stars. Howard said he could build a show around the guy. He said he's being honest too. He said that he's funny and he'd back him.
Howard asked Robin what she'd do if he asked her to go see a show in Las Vegas. He gave her the choices of going to see Cris Angel or go see Mr. Methane. Howard said he'd go see Mr. Methane. Robin said she would too. Howard said he thinks he'd have a successful career out there. There are enough people who would want to see that. Howard said he would be so proud if he won in the first year he's there at AGT.
Howard said he was watching FOX News yesterday and they refer to Judge Napolitano as ''judge'' every time they talk to him. Howard said he thinks that they should start referring to him as ''judge'' since he's a judge now too.
Lisa said they have a story about Ralph Cirella and how he may have chosen GEEKTIME over going to California with Howard. Howard said Ralph was sick and he could hardly talk. He said he didn't want to be around anyone who has a cold. He said that the plane circulates air and he didn't want to get sick so he told Ralph to stay home. Howard said he had no voice and he told him to stay home. Howard said that he didn't really need him to be out there anyway. Lisa said he did show up to host GEEKTIME on Friday. Howard said it wasn't a matter of loyalty. He said Ralph was really sick and he's fine with him not going out there.
Howard said he's thinking of changing his hair style. He said he needs Toni to be there whenever he has to get it done because he doesn't know how to do it himself. Howard said he wants to change something but he's afraid that his face will show. Howard said that he has pretty feet and that's the one nice thing he has. He said that's the worst to have nice feet and nothing else nice. Howard said he'd rather have Brad Pitt looks and Chimp feet than have what he has.
Robin said that they do that whole Oscar show for people like Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Howard said just dating George that Stacy Keibler has doubled her appearance fee. Howard said maybe he's in love with her and he'll stick with her. Robin laughed.
Howard said that Ronnie's Block Party went on over the weekend. He said that Ronnie has been traveling with him lately and they had JD fill in for him. Howard said Scott the Engineer has been going too. He said they have two big dates coming up and Scott might be bailing out on it. Howard said some people think he's trying to negotiate for more money. Howard said no one is looking for Scott to show up. Howard said that they'd probably rather see JD. Robin said that she'd pick JD over Scott.
Howard said that someone tweeted out a picture of Scott just about asleep on stage. Shuli came in and said that Scott may as well have been asleep. He said this was the first weekend that was sold out on this tour. He said that there was an energy with the audience that they've never had before. He said that people were going out of their mind for JD. He said the opposite end was Scott sitting there lifeless. He said he compared him to a lamp on a nightstand at one point.
Shuli said that these guys don't understand what it's like to be on the road. He said they're all helping each other out. He said that they're helping sell out tickets and he's doing an hour of comedy. He said a friend of his did the show with them and he got a standing ovation. He said he went to JD and told him about Scott being out for Chicago and Arizona. Shuli said they get a certain amount of money for just showing up. He said he thinks that he's not going to make more than his minimum so that's why Scott doesn't want to go. Scott said he has previous commitments he has to take care of. Robin said he committed to this tour. Scott said he's going on some other dates. Scott said he wasn't able to change his plans.
Shuli said he asked JD if he could do Chicago and Arizona. JD wanted to renegotiate. Shuli said this is what he has to deal with. Howard said this is a shakedown. Scott said he's not shaking anyone down.
Shuli said that Scott came to him and said that he wasn't going to be able to do a lot of these shows. He said Scott is the reason he started this tour. He said Scott told him that he wasn't going to be able to make some of the dates and then he says ''if there was just more money...'' Scott said he never said that. Shuli said he did too. Scott said that they're the reason that the people show up. Shuli said that he's done shows without them but he set this whole thing up for Scott. Howard said he remembers that Shuli set it all up for Scott. Scott said that's not true.
Shuli said that JD said this comic was great but JD made like 10 times more than the comedian did. JD said he didn't ask to be a part of this whole thing. He said he's not good at this and it's not his thing. Howard asked if he could use the extra money. JD said that it's not his thing. He said he still has to do stuff. Howard said people go crazy for him. Shuli said that JD was in control as a host and he was great. JD said he's not a performer and he's not comfortable doing it. Robin said if he's looking for comfort all the time he's never going to get anywhere in life.
Howard told Shuli to get away from these guys. Shuli said he used to take the bus to gigs to make $100. He said at this point he has three great comics. He said that Ronnie is the only one who can pull Diva shit and get away with it. He said Ronnie loves to be around the fans. He said the travel bothers him a little bit but he's old so he understands. He said JD had a great fucking time this weekend. JD said he did but it's not his thing. Shuli said he can't take a compliment either. He said he told him he was great after the first show and JD said ''Well, there's two left...''
Howard said Scott was at this bowling tournament over the weekend and every guy who bowled in the lane he was sitting behind lost. Scott said that's not true. Howard said he heard he was yelling at the snack bar attendant too. Scott said he wasn't yelling. He said he went in there to get his order because he had to go to a meeting. He said that he asked when the order was coming out and the guy said it would be a few minutes. A few minutes later he asked again and he may have said it kind of loud. He said he wasn't yelling. Howard and the guys goofed on Scott about that and did their impressions of him talking to the guy.
Shuli asked if it's true that Scott lost to a 15 year old. Scott said there were a few younger kids there. He didn't bowl directly against them though.
Howard asked JD about the money he could get doing these gigs. JD said he could use the money. Shuli said he has a guy who wants to book them to do a show in Jamaica in 2013 and he's getting these calls all the time. Howard asked why JD wouldn't get in on this. JD said this isn't his thing. JD said he has a job and this is his job there. Howard said he thinks he should do the shows. Howard asked if JD just gets up and says they're having a great time and introduces people. Shuli said he doesn't have to do much.
Howard asked JD what he did to open the show. JD said he did the LL Cool J poem about Whitney Houston as his opening. Howard said that they're basically handing JD money for doing nothing. Howard said Scott does less than JD and he wants to negotiate? Shuli said the only time Scott comes to life is when he doesn't have a cord long enough to reach when he's on stage.
Shuli told Howard about the meet and greet things they do and how they go. He said that Scott wants out of there as soon as he can get out. Shuli said he has something to deal with every two seconds with these guys. Howard said Shuli set this whole thing up for Scott and now he's bailing. Scott said it's just one weekend. He said that they're going to do more gigs in April so he's going on those. Shuli said that Scott never said he wasn't going to be able to make this one date. Scott said he has family obligations that he has to take care of. Howard asked what it is that he has to take care of that's so important. Scott said it's a family thing and he's kind of bummed he can't do it. He said he does like the money. He said he has to go to a family wedding. He said he'd like to have a good time with the guys but he has to go to the wedding.
Shuli said he remembers Scott coming to him and saying that the flying might be a problem but more money might help. Shuli said he got pissed. He said that he told Scott that he had more money he'd call his family on the air and tell them to go fuck themselves. Shuli said there is no other headliner that splits the money like this. He said he's willing to do it because they're getting a lot of shows.
Shuli said that they should do a Stern Show's Got Talent and judge who should be on the tour instead of these guys. JD said that he's not opposed to doing shows but not so many. Shuli said it's one weekend a month. He said when he was on the Killers of Comedy tour they did 3 weekends a month. Howard said JD might get out and meet some chicks out there if he goes.
JD was trying to tell the guys what was going on with him but he had to restart his sentence about 3 times. He was trying to explain why he needed hotel information from Shuli. He had to give it to the girl who was going to be out there. Shuli said that chick was hot too. He said she was up there and could have been a 10. Shuli said he'll have two 10s and an 8 out in Arizona if he comes to that gig.
JD was trying to explain that he wasn't trying to renegotiate with Shuli. Shuli said that's what he said to him. Shuli said that's what was going on. JD said that he was just joking around. He said he really doesn't want to travel so much. Shuli said Scott tries to help out by looking up flights and finding the cheap ones. Shuli said that's not his concern though. Howard said that the rest of the guys have to step up and accept some of the responsibility.
Scott said that Ronnie had to step down this weekend. Howard said that's how the guys are getting out of doing the gigs. They see Ronnie step down for one weekend and now they all want to back out. Howard said Scott thinks he's not a pain in the ass but he is. Shuli said he sees his DJ stepping off the elevator with a plastic shopping bag full of equipment. He said the fans are loving the shows though. He said it may end up just being him and Ronnie at some point. He said Ronnie has been in it from day one and he's amazing at it. He said all three would be great but then he'd be coming home with no money.
Shuli said he's in the middle of moving and his kid is going to be 2. He said he walks by a cemetery and thinks about how fucking lucky they are. He said he wonders why Scott isn't in the cemetery. Scott said he's fine not doing the shows with him. He said that he could back out of the whole thing if he wants him to.
Howard said that Scott has to say to his family that he has commitments with Shuli. He's in business with the guy right now. Scott said he's done every other one and he's committed to the other shows. Shuli said that there is a minimum amount of money that he's getting and other people in the office would shove him out of the way to get it. Scott said he knows that.
Ronnie came in and said he didn't know this was going on. Ronnie said he was talking to Chuck Zito. Ronnie said Scott has major issues. He said if they make fun of him he complains about it. He said that's why Scott is there at the shows. He said he thinks the only thing Scott likes is the money. Scott said he likes doing the shows. Ronnie said he doesn't think he does.
Howard asked what Scott does at the show. Shuli said that the show starts and Scott plays ''Lets Get This Party Started'' and Scott runs through the audience. He said he loves that. Shuli said that he gets on stage and he introduces Ronnie or JD. Ronnie said Shuli laughs so hard at Scott that he starts to cry. Shuli said his dancing is like the Hindenberg disaster. Shuli said Scott will be out of breath by the time he gets on stage. He did an impression of what that sounds like.
Ronnie said that Scott has to get a passport to go to Canada but because it costs money to get one he said he's not going. Howard said Scott is in business with these guys and he has to do what it takes to get to the gigs. Scott said that he is getting a passport. Ronnie said that he never said he was going to.
Howard said Scott is a problem. He has to work with these guys. Ronnie said that JD is going to the other gigs that Scott dropped out of. Ronnie said he told JD he has to go. He was insisting as if he were Chuck Zito insisting that he go.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Scott if he really believes he's the top billing on that show. He said he does nothing at the show. The caller said he was at a show and he saw him in Seattle. He said Ronnie and Shuli were great but Scott is a lump and does nothing. Scott said that if they don't want him on the show then he'll back out. Shuli said that he knows that he's going to go back and lock his studio door and keep them out now. Howard told Scott to just do what he has to do and be a team player. Ronnie said they have some big shows coming up so he has to be a team player.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of Scott for a couple of minutes. Ronnie said that Scott was afraid that if he made the finals in the PBA thing that he might not make it to the Hartford gig. Scott said he told Ronnie that he wouldn't make the finals. He said he wasn't worried about that. Scott said he was just busting Ronnie's chops.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Shuli would do the Miserable Men Show on Thursday mornings again. Shuli said he would. Howard said that Shuli is a team player. The caller said he would like to hear the show back on. Howard had a good feeling about the caller and he was going to give him Bruce Springsteen tickets but the guy said he wouldn't be able to make it there. Howard said that Lisa G had walked out in the middle of this whole thing. Shuli said that never happens. Howard said he had to wrap up and take a break.
Howard said he has to mention that Howard TV will have this Ronnie's Block Party coverage on tomorrow night's Howard TV episode. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who had his girlfriend Jasmine Tame there with him. Howard asked what was going on there. Jasmine said she wanted to ask Howard a question. She asked if he's ever seen a porn star drink beer out of her pussy. Howard said he's never seen that. Jasmine said she has a friend who does that. She said that she taped her and she smokes out of her pussy too. She said she wants Howard to see her. Howard said they do have a Triple X Factor game coming up soon. Howard said she can find out more at SiriusXM.com/Howard.
Ed told Jasmine to tell her about the spitballs she can shoot out of her pussy too. Howard said if she can do all of that she can enter the contest and maybe win $10,000. Ed said he's going to fuck that girl next. Howard asked Jasmine if she's going to fuck Ed. Ed said they've been doing it for 3 weeks now. Howard said this is hard to follow.
Gary said that Jasmine left a message for them and she wants to come in and bang all of the Wack Pack. Ed said he's willing to let her do that but he won't charge anyone because he doesn't want to go to jail over it. Howard asked if they want to film it. Jasmine said she wants to do it off camera. Gary said that they have Beetlejuice, Big Foot, Asian Pete and others. Ed said they have to be East Coast. Howard had Asian Pete on the phone so he asked if he's East coast. Pete said he thinks so. He lives in New Jersey so he is.
Howard wondered if Pete is too retarded to have sex with this girl. Pete is 25 years old. Ed said he's going to be jerking off while the wack packers are fucking her. Howard wondered if Pete is legally able to make decisions on this kind of thing. Ed kept interrupting so Howard had to tell him to shut up for a minute. Howard asked Pete if he has a driver's license. Pete mumbled something but no one understood what he said. Howard asked Pete if he lives on his own. Pete said he lives with his parents right now but he pays rent.
Howard asked Pete if he has a job. Pete said he does. He said he works at Lowes. Howard asked what he pays for rent. Pete said he pays $380 a month. Howard said they're ripping him off. Pete said he's going to move out soon.
Howard asked Pete if meals are included. Pete said yes. He said he does his own laundry. Howard asked if he really wants to bang this girl. Pete wasn't sure what she looks like. Howard had Jasmine describe herself. Ed said she has a tight pussy and ass.
Howard said that Pete could look at her on the internet. Her name is Jasmine Tame. Howard said Jasmine Taint would be a better name. Ed said the main question is if they can bring this other girl in to do this beer drinking out of her pussy. Howard told them to enter the contest. Howard said he really has to go. Howard said they have this Triple X Factor contest and they can enter that. Ed wasn't listening so Howard had to yell at him. Howard said he has to go. Ed threw out ''819... 819!'' as Howard was hanging up.
Howard said they got a message from Asian Pete the other day and they have no idea what he was asking for. Howard played the clip and said he loves that Pete thinks they understand what he's saying. They had no idea what it was he was asking for. Howard said he did understand that he wanted to come in and say hi but that was about it. He said he thought he heard the word ''Jew'' in there too.
Howard said he wouldn't eat anything that the dogs caught. Howard said when there's a supermarket around the corner he's going to go there instead. Robin said that the dogs killed the rabbit so they got a fresh one. Howard said if his dog has something in her mouth he just throws it out. Howard wondered what the dogs get to eat. Robin said that's what she was wondering too since he takes away their food. Howard said he's such a pussy that he praises his dog for not going after other animals.
Howard said that Paris Hilton put out another song and she apparently thinks that she's still a performer but she just talks in the song. He said she's hoping for any kind of success. He said it's kind of fun that she has no success.
Howard played the song which is called ''Drunk Text'' and Paris just talks about going out to the club and things like that. Howard said it's enough of the club already. He said that's all her life is. He said he wouldn't fuck her with Robin's dick. He said that she's so vapid and so skanky. He said you have to hear her stupid song where all she does is talk about hanging out at the clubs and hanging with her bitches.
Howard said she can't sing so it never breaks into a song. She just talks over the music. Howard said it's shit. He said that it's the equivalent of him taking a shit. It has the same pizzazz.
Howard said when he was in Vegas he was at a show with his wife and Paris showed up with 20 people. He said she refused to sit near him. He said that he made fun of her and no one does that, right. Howard said she should be ashamed of the life she has. He said she's not that hot either. He said she has to stop thinking she's a goddess.
Howard played more of the song and said he was getting sickened by it. Robin said she never understood the appeal of Paris. Howard said he's evolving and he's disgusted with this girl. He's saying he wouldn't fuck her. Robin said if she was sitting there then it might be a different story. Howard said she's right.
Howard said that he's trying to understand what the story is she's telling. Howard said she's so vapid. He said that it's no wonder the Arabs want to blow us up.
Howard would play a few seconds of the song and figure out what she was talking about and talk it over with Robin. Robin and Howard were going all of the lyrics and goofing on her. Howard said she's such a loon. Howard said he would be so embarrassed saying some of the stuff she says. Howard said she has that affect on her voice too. He said that's her sex voice.
Howard said that it's such a turn on when you get a text of some sweaty vagina. He said that's a real treat. She talks about that in the song. Paris describes drunk texting and drunk sexting. Howard said she's such a vomit. He said he's not sure he can hear anymore of this.
Howard made up his own song and talked about texting in the club and explaining what sexting is. Fred had a shitty music bed playing for Howard that wasn't too different than what Paris had in her song. Howard then started singing ''I before E except after C'' and then sang about being in the club drinking his Jagermeister and stinking up the bathroom. He'd throw in math equations like ''If you add 2 to 6 you get... never mind.'' Howard would throw in vowels and say he had forgotten what they all were. He sang about shitting on guys too.
Howard sang about how her asshole was wetter than a baboon's. Howard sang about a bunch of other things that were just as stupid as Paris' nonsense.
Howard played more of the Paris song and laughed as it played. Howard wasn't sure what she said this time. Robin said she was talking about a text she got that was misspelled. Howard said ''Yeah, like she'd know.'' Howard got back to his own song and sang more as Paris. He sang about how cancer kids are so gross and asked why everyone can't be perfect.
Howard said her follow up song is going to be ''Bottle Service.'' Gary said that some of the clubs make such a scene out of bottle service. He said they'll put a sparkler on the bottle so people see where it's going. Howard sang some of the new hit ''Bottle Service'' where Paris would sing about how she lives for bottle service. Howard did that for a minute.
Howard mixed in Paris' song with his own song. Howard said she thinks she's being sexy but she's so sexless. Howard played some of her song and Robin said she had given up on listening. Howard said she must want to know what's going on. Howard had the lyrics printed out so he went over more of them. Paris was talking about having last night's lingerie in her purse and Robin just said ''gross.''
Howard sang more of his ''Bottle Service'' song and said that she has the IQ of a bottle. He sang about how Governor Chris Christie has bigger tits than Paris does too. He sang about her pussy smelling bad and wondering if guys would still eat it if she didn't clean it for a month. Howard laughed when he'd play more of Paris' song and hear that awful music. Howard sang more of his own lyrics and said that she just queefed and shot out 20 condoms.
Howard said he's had enough of that. He said that she is trying to do something new and different. Howard said that you have go give that to her. Howard said that's some song she has though. He said he was done with that but he sang more lyrics to his own song. He sang about how she'd kill JD in an F, Marry, Kill game. Howard said he could go on all day long with that.
The first question was ''When did you get married?'' Beet said that it was 2 or 3 years ago. Howard asked the caller what he thinks. The caller said no way. Beet's second answer was the same answer. Howard said that he'd give him one more shot. The second question was ''What time did you wake up this morning?'' Beet said it was 8:30. The caller said that he thinks that he will say the same thing. Howard played Beet's answer and Beet said ''2am.'' The caller got a second one wrong.
Howard said this guy is way off. He said he's in a good mood and he'll give him another chance but he has to get this one. Howard played the question which was ''What's the name of the person that fixes your teeth?'' Beet said ''He's a fucking dentist.'' The caller said he's got to get this one. Howard said they'll lock him in on a yes. Howard said all they have to hear is ''dentist'' and he's going to the Springsteen concert. Beets second answer was ''Dentist.'' The caller won.
Howard asked if the guy was over 18 and if he's a subscriber. He said he is. Howard said the concert is on March 9th and it should be awesome. Howard said that money to pay Bruce is coming out of his pocket. Howard said he'd love to be there but he's not feeling so positive about working there right now. Howard put the guy, John, on hold so they could set him up with tickets. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said he got a tweet yesterday about Martina Navratilova where the guy wondered what she'd be wearing. Howard said she did wear tennis skirts so maybe she'll wear something like that. Robin said she has to wear something sexy so she thinks she'll wear a dress. Howard said they don't have to. He said that some of the chubbier gals will wear something less sexy.
Howard said he's not thrilled with the line up for the show other than Maria Menounos and maybe Melissa Gilbert. Howard said maybe Urkel too. Howard said he hasn't even heard of some of the people on the show. He said Melissa used to come on the show all the time. He said he thinks that she's divorced again. Robin said they did just announce they divorced. Howard said he thinks that it will help Maria so everyone knows who she is. Howard said she can be a TV host if she gets recognized.
Howard said Steve Gutenberg is still bitching about how he didn't get anything out of the show. He said he didn't like some of the people he worked with there. He said that he was looking for more than he got out of it.
Mutt was on the phone so Howard picked up. Mutt said he was not picking on Robin. Howard asked what they have coming up today. Mutt said he'll probably rip on Robin. Mutt said they're going to be talking about Ronnie's Block Party and what's been going on with that.
Howard and Fred did their Scott the Engineer impressions and goofed on him for a minute. Mutt said they'll be talking about Ass Napkin Ed and Jasmine too. He said they'll talk about JD and his fights and more tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that JD should wash his hair and prove it by putting out a video on YouTube or something. Howard said he thinks JD's hair looks clean. Howard said it's kind of long and stringy. Robin said he needs some styling. Howard asked if Robin likes his beard. Robin said she doesn't mind it.
Howard took a call from a guy who was snoring. Howard said that's not real. He said he knows the guy wants to be on the air. He said he knows he's awake. He said no one snores like that. He told the guy he knows he's awake. Howard said maybe if he offers him Bruce tickets he'll wake up. Howard didn't buy that the guy was asleep but Robin said she thinks it's real.
Howard tried to take a call from another guy but he wasn't there either. Howard tried another one. That caller was awake. The caller asked Howard how he decides to use hand gel. Howard said he uses it for everyone. Howard said he and Beth hold hands during TV watching so he uses it with her too. He's afraid to catch a cold.
The caller said he noticed that Howard shook Richard Simmons' hand and then used the hand gel but then he saw him shake Mitch Fatel's hand and didn't do it. Howard said they don't always show it on Howard TV. Gary said he can tell that Howard does it after everyone. Howard said he has a bottle at America's Got Talent and Toni carries it around so he can wash up with it. Howard said that you can see it if you come to the live taping.
Gary said that Howard will lean over the console to make sure the big stars don't see him doing it when they're leaving the studio. Howard said A-list stars he'll wait for. B-List he'll do it right in front of.
Howard was going to go to Robin's news but he had forgotten Jon Hein. Howard had Jon come in to give his rundown. Howard said he saw Herman Cain on TV the other day and all he could think of was the ''Ooo-phelia'' bit they did on the show.
Jon Hein came in and ran down his list of subjects for today's Wrap Up Show. Howard also read a quick email about what the name of the shop is that Robin found out she had a G-cup bra size. Robin said it's called The Town Shop.
Howard said that sometimes it fucks up. Howard tried asking it how long it takes to fly from New York to St. Louis. Howard said that it finally did it. He said it shows it's an hour and 35 minutes. Howard said that it wasn't working all morning but now it is. Howard said it shows the map and the whole fucking deal.
Howard said he tried it 4 times this morning and it didn't work. Howard said he's glad that it's just an hour and 35 minutes. He said he's used to the long flights to the West Coast.
Robin read more about the Apple event and what they're expecting to be shown there. Howard said he thinks he needs a new iPad even though he doesn't 'need' it. Howard said Ralph owns some Apple stock. He said he owns a bunch too. Robin said she has some too but not where Ralph got it. Howard said that he has a lot of shitty stocks too. He said if he had just bought Apple he'd be fine. He said that all of his Sirius stock added up together equals one share of Apple. He said that it doesn't make sense though. He said that they actually have something going on there and there are companies that have nothing and they're worth more.
Robin asked if Howard cares where his iPad is made. Howard told her not to ruin it for him. He said he just wants the thing. Robin said there is a big question about that. Howard made noise so he didn't have to hear the answer. Robin said this is the problem. She said people want this stuff so bad that they don't want to hear how people are suffering to make the iPad or iPhone. Howard said he cares to a degree. Robin said these things are being made in China. Howard said he's still buying one.
Robin said Steve Jobs said to the President that we should be more like China. Robin said that Steve told him that those jobs will never come back to the U.S. Howard said after he gets his iPad 3, that's when he'll start caring. Howard said he heard there's a new iMac coming out so he'll get that and then get the new iPad and then start screaming about the whole thing. Jon Hein came in and told Howard about some of the rumors about the new iPad and what it may or may not have. Howard said he loves watching movies and TV on his iPad. Howard had to go to another break after that.
After the break, around 9:35am, Robin wasn't there. She came back a few seconds later. Robin said she had to get something to Scott. Robin said that they were talking about Whitney Houston and lowering the flag in New Jersey. Robin said that they lowered the flags in Ohio for the students being shot. Howard said he has to think about that. He said he thinks that's okay. Howard said he can't see going against that. He said he's for the flag being lowered for the dead kids. Robin said he said that he was only for it when they do it for the troops. Howard said that he was against the Whitney Houston thing because she was ill and it was kind of expected. He said it's sad but you can't lower the flag for her or any performer like that. Robin said they didn't lower the flag for Princess Diana when she died. She had been demoted so they refused to lower the flag for her. Howard said the flag lowering in this country is for the troops, police, firemen and people like that. Howard said they can't give it to someone just because they can sing and they were hot. He said that would demean the whole act of honoring our service men.
Robin read about a person who allegedly burned down the world's oldest Cypress tree in Florida. Robin said it was so old it had a name. Robin said the woman allegedly set fire to it while she was on drugs. She was inside the hollowed out tree and lit a flame to see what she was doing. She also took pictures of it while it was burning down.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked if he's been watching The Bachelor. Howard said of course he is. Jeff said the guy, Ben, is such a tool. Howard said it's such a great show. Howard said there's something funny about Jeff watching that show. Robin wondered who he identifies with on that show. Howard said he probably identifies with that tree that burned down.
Jeff said he has a comment to make about Scott the Engineer. He said Shuli called him and asked if he can get an enhanced license and he went out and got it right away. He said he had one more point to make too. He said Paris Hilton sure knows how to suck a cock. Jeff told Howard to have a nice weekend. Howard asked how Jeff can have an enhanced license if he got it taken away. Jeff said it's an enhanced non-driver ID. He said it was only 35 bucks.
Howard said the best show out there is not The Bachelor. He said that's in his top 5 though. Howard said the best show on TV is ''The Walking Dead.'' Robin asked if he thinks it's better than Dexter. Howard said he does. He thinks it's better than Breaking Bad even though Breaking Bad is so great. Howard said when he sits down to watch TV he has to watch Walking Dead first. Robin said that Breaking Bad is phenomenal. Howard agreed but he said he'd watch 10 hours of The Walking Dead straight through. Howard said there are so many great shows on TV.
Howard asked Jon Hein what he thinks is the best TV show on TV now. Jon said that it's Breaking Bad. He said The Wire is great too. Robin said that hasn't been on for years. Robin said she thinks Howard is wrong about Breaking Bad. She said that's the best show on TV.
Robin got back to her news and read some stuff about the republican primary. She had some audio clips from some people talking about that. Howard said he would consider and listen to Romney if he was the nominee but he'd never consider Santorum no matter what.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if his toes are webbed. Howard said he doesn't have a webbed foot. The caller asked if they're like fingers. Howard said of course they are. The caller kept saying that there are webbed feet out there. Howard said he has no webbing between his toes. She kept asking even though Howard said he doesn't. The woman said she has pretty feet but one of her toes is webbed and so is her mother's. Howard said he's not in her family so he has no webbed toes. He had to hang up on her.
Robin had more audio clips from the primary so she had Howard play that. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she lives in Pennsylvania and they've had Santorum around for a long time. She said that he's a fucknut and he has been spreading his bullshit around the whole country lately. She said that he also made some comments about kids going to college and how it's snobbery for Obama to want all kids to go to college. Howard said he was reading about that and he thinks that Santorum and Bachman are both nuts. The caller congratulating him on his AGT thing and said she'll be watching. Howard said Beth laughs at him when he calls it ''AGT.'' He said that it makes him mad too. He said that he's not going to say ''America's Got Talent'' every time.
Robin had a story about a study that was done that found that religious people who get depressed tend to stop going to church so that explains why church goers are less depressed. Robin said they didn't fine any correlation between going to church and depression. Howard said he had to go to church as a kid and he hated it. He said that he couldn't wait to stop going. He said he can't believe that adults go to church services. He said it's like prison. Howard said he can't understand anyone who would want to go to church. Howard said he'd just think about all of the hours he wasted going to church when he could have been doing so many other things. Robin said there are some people who think they'll go to hell if they don't go.
Howard said his parents go to church two times a year. He said that his mom got on a kick when she'd go every Friday night but that didn't last. Howard said there is no reason to learn the shit he learned when he was a kid. He said he could be Eddie Van Halen but instead he's Jewy Man. Howard said it was such a waste of time. He said those years are so important too. He said that he could have put 10,000 hours into anything. He said he wasted his time in temple.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was up all night after seeing Van Halen last night. Robin didn't know they were there. Howard asked if they're there tonight. The caller said he thinks they're there on Friday night.
The caller said he was auditioning at the AGT auditions on Monday. He said it didn't go well. The caller, Tommy, said that Billy Crystal said that it wasn't funny or fun. Tommy said that Van Halen was amazing. He said every song sounded great. Howard thanked him for the call.
Robin got back to her news and said that David Lee Roth was asked if he thinks that Van Halen was the most influential band ever. Robin had some audio of Roth talking about how influential they were in the 80s with their video format. Howard said he loves David but that radio move was a bad idea. Howard said he tried to tell him that but David didn't want to hear it. Howard said you hear him talking and he sounds crazy.
Robin said she had a long ride with Tom Chiusano and Tom told her how great David was. Howard said Tom was clueless about radio guys. Howard said he can't believe he had the nerve to say that to her. Howard said Tom should have left with them. He said he did love the guy. He said he was a salesman and that's what he did best. Howard said he's good on the radio and Tom is a good salesman.
Robin read about how kids in Ohio were tweeting while the shootings were going on there. Robin said that they say that the tweets were very important for the cops while it was going on. Robin said the last thing she'd be doing is tweeting if there was a shooting going on. Howard said he gets tons of news from Twitter. Robin said she does too. She uses Slate for some of her news. She said she has CNN and Huffington Post. Howard said he follows some of those. Howard said he follows Perez Hilton too.
Robin read more about the school shooting and the tweets that were going on. Robin said that the kid accused of gunning down the other students could be tried as an adult. Howard said they need that kid locked up for sure. Robin said they say that he shot randomly in the cafeteria and didn't target specific people. Robin read some more details about what this kid had been through in his family life. He was bullied and teased at school too. Robin played audio of a girl talking about how he was bullied and teased and she befriended him finding out that he was actually a great guy. Robin said that this girl also thinks that people are going to think he's a monster. Howard said he is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got hit in the head with a board as a kid and it was on a Sunday. He said that his mother dragged him to church after he got stitches in his head. Howard said that you get born into one of these families and you can't get out of it. The caller also brought up Rick Santorum and his bullshit.
Robin had some audio of a guy who survived the Virginia Tech shootings and how they have to find out how this kid got the gun. He thinks that someone had to have known what he was up to. Robin had some audio of the mayor talking about how the town will survive and get over this.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that JD never looks anyone in the eye. She said that she also calls AGT ''America's Got Howard.'' She said she wants to sit in the audience for him. She was getting really worked up so Howard told Gary to make sure she gets a seat there. Mariann freaked out when she heard that. Howard said he should marry her. Howard said Mariann really loves him. He said that he's pretty sure she'd do anything for him. He said he does love his wife though. He said she made love to him last night so he's very grateful to her. Howard said it was fantastic. He said she didn't vomit and she seemed to enjoy it. Howard said he's not a very good lover but she seems satisfied. He said she's a wonderful woman and he's very lucky. He said he hopes everyone feels that way about their wife.
Robin read about Northeastern university turning down a Chick-Fil-A restaurant from the campus when they found out that they had donated to anti-gay organizations. Howard said he can't believe that anyone has time to be against gays like that.
Robin read about Whitney Houston's death and how it's been listed as accidental so far. Robin said that there's also talk of a Whitney Houston movie and she had a list of people who were on the list to possibly play Whitney. Robin read through some of those people and Howard commented on some of them. Howard said he thinks that Tracy Morgan could play Bobby Brown.
Robin said that Target has pulled some greeting cards that were making fun of Whitney Houston. She said that they felt they were inappropriate.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to thank Howard for the best 29 years and 7 months of entertainment in the world. He said he also thinks that Benjy has competition with that Paris Hilton song. He was starting to ramble so Howard hung up on him.
Another caller said that he had some information about Chick-Fil-A and how they're known for being really religious and they're not even open on Sunday. Howard said you don't want to piss anyone off so just keep it to yourself if you're against gay people. He said they're a chicken company so they should keep their opinions to themselves. Howard said he doesn't get what's going on there.
Robin read about a poll that was done about who the best James Bond was. Howard said he thinks that it's Daniel Craig. Robin said that Sean Connery was the greatest because the series wouldn't be what it was without him.
Robin read about how Jeremy Lin is ready to play again. Robin had some audio of him talking about how he's not going to change for the upcoming games even though he hasn't been doing that well in the past few games. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:25am.
Scott came in so Jon asked if he's bull shitting some of this stuff that he's been talking about. Gary said they say that Scott didn't stay at the meet and greet for more than 10 minutes. Scott claimed 40 minutes. Scott said it was at least 30 minutes. JD said he didn't see him there that long. He said he'll give him 30 minutes at the maximum. JD said he was there for an hour and a half. Scott said he did leave before they did but his parking lot closed at 1:30 so he had to get out of there.
Jon said that Scott crafted this thing with Shuli to get out there and make some money. Scott said he didn't ''craft'' it. Gary said that Shuli heard that he waned to make some money so this is what they came up with. Scott said he's just not going to do one weekend. Scott said he has a wedding to go to and he's pretty sure he told Shuli he didn't think he'd be able to do that weekend.
Gary asked Scott what he meant when he said ''Try doing Ronnie's Block Party without Scott...'' Scott said he never said that. Jon had Teddy play a clip where he did say something like that. Scott said that the people come out to see him and Ronnie, not Shuli. He said he was just busting his balls in the clip.
Scott said that he and Ronnie are able to plug easier than Shuli is. Shuli said he gets plugs too. Jon said that it sounded like no one is coming out to see them if Ronnie and Scott aren't there. Gary said everyone reacted in the office when they heard that comment.
Shuli came in and said that he has been touring longer than Scott has. He said that he wants to make money and Scott wants to make money so he's going out with them. Gary said that Shuli is doing all of the work for Scott and Scott is giving him a hard time about it even though he said he wanted to do it. Shuli said he's not saying Scott doesn't do anything but he doesn't have a lot to do. He said for what he gets paid he should be happy.
Benjy said that everything is a negotiation and he can back out if he wants. Shuli said that's fine but don't bullshit him if he doesn't want to go. He said that he did ask for more money. He said that he asked Scott if he was going to be able to do it or not and Scott said he'd get back to him. Scott said he had a lot on his schedule and he was exhausted this weekend. He said he wasn't trying to negotiate for more money. Shuli said he came to him and asked if he was in or out and Scott said ''if it was just more money...'' Gary said you can't renegotiate when you've already committed to a date. Scott said he wasn't trying to threaten him. Jon had to tell everyone to hold on so they could take a break.
Gary asked Benjy if he thinks that Howard still sees him as the kid he once was. Benjy said Howard may look at him as being worse than he was. He said there might be some jealousy there too.
JD said that there are people who bust your balls out on the road. He said people feel they can say anything they want to you. He said one guy was telling him how ugly they think he is right to his face. Gary said people say the rudest things to your face. He said they think they're complimenting you. JD said they think they're funny. Gary said there are people who say that his teeth aren't as big as Howard says. JD said he has people telling him that he's not as fat as Howard says he is. Jon said he thinks they've all gotten that.
Jon asked Scott if he has people yelling out that he's an incompetent sound engineer. Scott said he does get that and he thinks that if he was that bad he would have been fired a long time ago.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she was at the block party in Hartford and they were so pumped to see Scott. She said that Scott walked out and said nothing. She said that he just played some Ronnie sounds and that was it. Scott said he introduced JD. The caller said that JD was great. She said that Scott didn't say anything into the microphone. Scott said he did introduce JD. JD confirmed that.
The caller said they did enjoy the show but they wanted to hear Scott say something. Shuli said he would too. Scott said he didn't want to get in JD's way and step on him. He said he just let it unfold. Shuli said he's good about not getting in anyone's way unless there's money. Then he'll stiff arm anyone.
Jon Leiberman came in and told the guys about how Scott had raised his voice with the guy in the restaurant at the bowling event. He said the guy was startled by the way he was treated by Scott. Leiberman said that Scott was telling the guy that he had to get to roll call so he had to get him the food or something bad would happen.
Gary said that he never imagined that they'd have a reporter following someone like Scott around at a bowling alley and reporting on it.
Ronnie came in and went off on Scott for not being part of the team. He said that he's on the train himself and he's not sure if Scott is on it or not. Scott said he's been at every show so far. Ronnie said he thinks Scott wants out and he's looking for a way out. Scott said that's not true. Ronnie said they have some new people coming in and anyone who wants to get off can get off now. He said that JD is going to Chicago and Arizona. JD doesn't want to go and Jon said he thinks JD is afraid to tell him that. They had to take another break a short time later.
Jon said one of the things that was brought up was to do a talent show to replace Scott. Gary said that Will and Steve both have things they could do. He asked Teddy if he has any talent. Teddy said he'll come up with something. Gary asked if Shuli would like to see Lisa G play violin at the show. Shuli said he's not sure how many people would be in line yelling about how they can't wait to see that. Gary said he'd like to see a talent show. Ronnie said they're working on this show and if you want on then put your shit together.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had to gave JD an ''Attaboy'' because he met him a few years ago with Artie and he was super nice. He said that he was very nice to his neighbor too so he had to give him that.
Jon asked if JD is doing okay today. JD said he's alright. He said he's been on the air a lot today. Benjy asked JD about his date that brought a date and if the guy was staying in the same room. JD said she stayed in the room but she claimed he was just a friend.
The guys spent some time talking to JD about getting this girl and how he could do something else. Gary said that he should have pussy coming out the door. Jon said they had to wrap up and end the show after that. They were done at 11:00am.
Richard's Hygiene Discussed. 03/01/07. 7:40am
Gary came in and told Howard that Richard came to him and told him that he hadn't brushed his teeth since Sunday. He said Richard had a problem with this toothbrush he has which is supposed to dispense the paste for him but he can't find the replacements. Then he heard that Richard had a temporary tooth put in a few weeks ago and it fell out. He didn't go back to have it put back in though. Gary said he told Richard to just go buy some toothpaste but Richard said it's very expensive.
Richard came in and said that he's been looking for those refills and he can't find them. Howard told him he can't be that stupid to not just buy a tube of toothpaste. He said he's trying to find those refills. Robin also told him that since he left his temporary tooth out, the replacement tooth might not fit now. Artie said he couldn't believe they were having this conversation with a 32 year old guy. Artie told him that this is a workplace and he should be taking care of his teeth better.
Howard told Richard that he brushes his teeth a few times a day, sometimes 4 or 5 times a day because he likes to feel fresh. Gary said he's been telling Richard to just give up on the toothbrush refills and just go get some toothpaste. Artie got all freaked out and said he really can't believe they're having this conversation.
Fred asked Richard if he washes his hands after going to the bathroom. Richard said that's one thing he does all the time. He got into that habit when he was living at home because they had dogs with weird sores on them and stuff like that. Howard wanted to get off that subject and move on with the show. Then he heard that Richard thought that he had nose cancer or something. Gary said that Richard went to Will and told him that he might be joining his ''club'' and said he might just have cancer.
Richard said he got a sore on his nose and it hasn't gone away for a long time now. He went and had it biopsied and he should know in a few weeks if it's cancerous. Sal came in and told Howard about how much Richard picks his nose and wipes it on his jeans. Richard said he's been wiping it in tissues lately but he loves pulling out those boogers. He said he loves doing that when he wakes up in the morning.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that it's time to get rid of this guy. Artie said he couldn't stop looking at what Richard was touching. Ralph called in and said that they really do need to get Richard out of there already. He's too much of a mess. He thinks that Richard is retarded and asked him what's the matter with him. Ralph said that even Gary the Retard doesn't wipe his boogers on his jeans.
Howard said that Richard likes to touch his taint and smell it. Richard said he loves doing that but he only does it in his bathroom. Howard had to get off of that subject so he moved on.
In the clip Howard was talking about going to visit his parents over the weekend and how they were putting down his clothes and his weight. He said he wants to wear what he wants to wear. He said he wears sweat pants and that's what he wants to wear. He said his mother doesn't like it but that's what he wants to wear. Howard said he had a big battle with them. Howard said his wife took their side in the battle too.
Howard said his parents care what he wears and he doesn't think they should. Howard said he's 28 and he'll wear what he wants to wear. Howard said his parents keep telling him to come visit and then they hassle him when he does.
Howard said he doesn't want to wear a suit like his father did. He asked why he has to wear a suit or pants. He told Robin it was a whole power thing over pants. Howard said they asked him why he didn't do this or do that and they want to run his life. It's a power trip. Howard asked Robin if her parents do that to her. Robin said no. Fred said he just hits his parents with a pipe.
Howard said it's bull when your parents tell you that you can't wear jeans. He said you shouldn't have to get dressed up to go out with your parents. He said it's all about control. Robin said they really burned him up. Howard said it ruined his weekend.
Howard said his wife was even giving him a hard time about it. Howard said it's not his scene to wear designer jeans. He said Fred has a pair of designer jeans and they look really out of place on him. Fred said that was an accident.
In the clip Howard had this girl come in and he was talking to her about being in the Military reserves. She told Howard they shouldn't talk about that. Howard said she had it in the letter she wrote to them. Howard talked about what she looks like. He said she's cute and he'd take her on vacation with him. She said she'd go anywhere with him. Howard said that's super. Howard asked how old she is. She said she just turned 24.
Howard said this girls is going to remember this the rest of her life. He said she's going to shave his initials into her privates and that will be very memorable.
Gary came in and said that there's an angry black man on the phone who said that they're treating her wrong and she's mentally ill. Howard took the call and asked the guy what he's talking about. Howard said this woman is perfectly normal. The guy said that he's not right about that. Howard said the caller is really annoying. The caller said that they have to look at her mental aspect and see what's really going on there. Howard hung up on him.
Howard said he's really digging this girl. He said she looks really good. He said the picture she sent doesn't do her justice. Jackie said they should burn that picture. Howard said her body looked great in it but not her face. In person she's much better looking.
Howard asked the woman what she does for a living. She said she's a sales supervisor. She said she can't say where though. Howard said that's her business. The woman said she's willing to do whatever Howard wants her to. She'll do it naked too.
Howard asked Gary if he has any cheese for her to lick off of him. Gary said they have some stuff they can try but not cheese. Howard said he could make some mayonnaise. Robin said they need eggs for that. The woman said she's not sure about that. Maybe if he wasn't married.
Howard said this girl is pretty hot. He said she's not even wearing underwear. Howard said she's his type... she's breathing. Howard had her come over to him so he could touch her. He put his hand on her stomach. Billy West made a fart sound. Howard said she shouldn't fart on him.
Howard put the ash cross on her forehead. Howard said she knows she likes that. Howard asked if she's ever done anything lesbian. Howard cut her off and described what he was doing. The woman said that Howard smells really good. Howard told her to go back and sit down.
Billy, as the Jackie Puppet, asked to hold her ass while she sits down. Howard asked the woman if she's a lesbian or not. She said she likes this friend she's had since second grade. She said that she hasn't made the move on her though. Howard asked if licking cheese off of him is the wildest thing she's ever done. She said she thinks so. Howard said there are a lot of girls who think they need a wild experience.
Howard asked what the woman wanted to do first. She said that she had already shaved her pubes into a heart shape. She said she'd like to lick the stuff off of Howard first. Howard said he has chocolate syrup or honey. She picked the chocolate. Howard asked where he should put it. The woman told him he can put it anywhere he wants. Howard said he might get some sardines under his arm pits. She said she's not into anything gross.
Howard said he has a patch that can be considered cheating. He said the rest of him is okay. Howard asked the woman if she was going to get naked now. She said she was feeling kind of shy now. Howard said that's not good.
Howard said he's getting undressed. He asked Ralph to get him a towel. He said he kind of likes this whole thing and maybe he should wear his pope outfit the whole time.
Howard said this woman is going to remember this the rest of her life. Howard said he's going to let her pour syrup on him and then lick it off. Howard said that's going to be very memorable. Howard took his pants off so he could get ready for this. He asked the woman if she liked his feet. She said they are very nice looking feet. Howard said he's like the safest guy in America too.
Howard told the woman to get naked. She took her clothes off and Howard said this was fantastic. Howard put on a towel to cover up. Howard said he has to go on vacation with this girl. Howard said she's like a 10. Jackie puppet agreed. Howard told her to get over there.
Howard asked the woman if she feels she's doing something wild. She said she does. Howard said this is turning into a great show. Howard asked if she feels liberated. She said she didn't know about that. She's never done anything like this before. Howard took his shirt off and she said he has nice pecks. Howard said she needs to get her eyes checked. He said he needs a bra.
Gary came in and said there's a woman on the phone who is upset about him wearing the pope outfit. Howard said he took it off. Howard picked up and told the woman that he took it off. She said that it's very wrong to make fun of the pope. Howard said he's not doing anything wrong. He said he doesn't think he's the pope. She said he's imitating the pope. Howard told the woman she's insane. He said he's just having some fun and giving some people ashes. Howard said at least he's with a young girl instead of young boys like so many priests are. Howard told the caller to go lick an ashtray. Billy did an impression of her after Howard hung up on her.
Howard got back to the woman who was getting naked for him. Howard said that she should kneel down on his pope hat. He said she's putting chocolate syrup on his feet and licking his feet. Howard said this is fantastic. He said he's so turned on by it. Jackie puppet asked why the Jew is getting all of the attention on Ash Wednesday.
Howard said this feels great. Howard told her to put some on his chest now. She did that and did some other things. Howard said that he would love to go to a hotel with her. Howard asked if she would tell his wife if he cheated on her. She said she wouldn't do that.
Howard said the woman had her tongue in his belly button. Howard said if they were off the air he would do things to her. She said she would like to do it to Stuttering John which ruined it for Howard. Howard said he'd put some of that stuff on his butt too. Robin said that his wife doesn't want to lick his butt. The woman said that he can do whatever he wants. She told him to bend over and she'll put some on there. Howard said she's never seen his butt before.
Howard asked how his butt looks. She said it looks good. She told Howard to bend over. Howard said this is a new low for him. He said it's like a proctological exam. Howard told her to get in there and lick. She did her thing and licked his butt. Robin asked how it smells back there. The woman said it was good. Howard said this was very erotic. He said he was just violated.
Howard told the woman to go back and put her clothes on. He said she should be ashamed. Howard told Gary to get in there and clean him off. Howard said he'd love to go to a hotel with her. He said that's someone's daughter right there. He said her father probably just dropped dead. She said he's been dead. Howard said she's pretty good looking too. Howard thanked her for coming in and said he hopes she's satisfied. She said she is.
Howard asked if she can come back tomorrow. Robin said no. The woman said she has to work tomorrow. Howard kissed her goodbye. Howard said she opened her mouth and he didn't. He wanted that on the record. The woman said this was the high point of her life. Howard said she should get back there and lick off the rest of the chocolate. Howard said that was great. He said she had a nice body too. Jackie said she was adorable. Robin said he didn't even notice her accent. Howard said he really didn't notice she had one.
Howard said that was wrong. Robin said it was all wrong. Howard said he has to get the evidence off of him during the break.
Gilbert Gottfried Visits. 03/01/06. 8:55am
Howard had Gary bring in Gilbert Gottfried who came in and said he had to get used to this place. Howard said he was on his web site GilbertGottfried.com... He cut himself off and asked Gilbert to put down his drink because it was making noise. Gilbert was a bit thrown off by the new studio and said that he had too close a view of Artie now.
Howard said that Gilbert put out this DVD after Artie talked him into to doing it. That led to Gilbert doing his impression of Artie telling him how to go about getting the DVD out. He was also saying that it was the most degrading thing to get advice from Artie. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard Gilbert goofing on him. Howard figured that Gilbert wanted to get in on some of that action but it must have turned into a big mistake. Gilbert said that he has been selling some DVDs after getting more advice from Artie.
Howard said that Gilbert has bad timing because he put the DVD out shortly before they moved to satellite where they don't have much of an audience. Gilbert admitted it was bad timing because the show could finally do something for him and then they move somewhere that they have a tenth of the audience they once had.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's gone to therapy for all of this stuff. Gilbert said he sometimes calls Artie and he gets some advice to feel better about himself. Howard gave him some more plugs for his web site and talked about the blog that Gilbert is now writing. He even wrote up a story about going to Howard's birthday party back in January. Howard said he was kind of surprised that he was even invited. He also said that Gilbert was very nervous up in front of everyone and made a speech. Howard said that Gilbert was telling his parents that they were too Jewish during his speech.
Gary came in and said that he had some audio of Gilbert's speech at the Birthday Party. Gilbert got up after Artie introduced him. Gilbert couldn't believe that he had to follow Artie. Then he was talking about how he knows how he'll be treated 20 years from now when Howard will be goofing on him. Gilbert's act wasn't going over very well until he saw Howard's parents and asked how Howard can call himself half Jewish when both of them look so Jewish. He wrapped up his speech a short time later and said he was there for the free food so he had to get off stage. Howard figured that Gilbert was going nowhere so that's why he turned to his parents.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Gilbert was working at a Rocky Horror Picture Show for a week or so as an announcer. She said that she was working at the theater and went up to him and said that she loves him and wants to marry him. She claims that Gilbert asked for her number after that and he used to flirt with her. She thought he was just a sweet guy because she was only 20 and didn't know better. A couple of weeks later Gilbert called her while she was out to eat and asked when she was going to be alone so he could call her back. Howard figured he wanted to jerk off to her voice.
The woman said that she blew him off for a couple of weeks but all she could think about was how he could help her career. She said that if he had asked to take her out for a cup of coffee out in public, she may have gone out with him. She claims that he wanted to come over to her place but that wasn't possible at the time. She said that he eventually tried to have some phone sex with her but she got freaked out by that. Gilbert says that he doesn't remember this girl at all. Howard thinks that this is a common occurrence with Gilbert and if he would just take the girl out a little bit, maybe he could get some dates.
Howard said that if the girl is hot you'd think that Gilbert would be seen in public with her. She said that she's not fat or anything. She's a dancer who is 5'9'' tall and 125 pounds. She was complaining about how late he would call her. Gary said that he heard that she had another story about someone who worked on the show. Howard didn't want to hear that story because it was all hearsay.
Howard moved on to Wendy the Retard who thought that Gilbert was there with Yago the parrot. Gilbert played along and asked Wendy if she wanted his big parrot dick inside her. Wendy said that she did and said yes to every question he asked. Gilbert asked if she would blow him and she said yes. She also said that she would 69 him.
Howard asked Wendy what she weighs. She said she's almost 200 pounds. She also said that she has been with a bird before and she would go down on Gilbert. Howard asked her if she would stuff the whole bird inside of her if she was with him. Gilbert said that the Yago character was in the movie ''Aladdin'' but it might not be after this. He figures that Rich Little will have to fill in for him to play that part after this appearance.
Gilbert asked Wendy if Artie was the worst person to ask for business advice. She said yes to that. Howard asked her when she last had a bowel movement and wiped herself. She said it was last night. He also asked her if she has ever named her movements. She said she has and she named one and she named it 'Artie.' Gilbert asked her if her bowel movements were smarter than Artie when it came to business advice. Of course she said yes so Artie asked her if she thinks her bowel movements would outsell Gilbert's DVDs if they could create their own DVD. Yes, of course. Howard wrapped up with Wendy and went to break before bringing in Red Peters.
>Clean Up Day. 3/1/99. 7:40am
Howard cleaned up by first playing tape of Dennis Rodman's press conference from last week. He got the whole tape where Dennis was crying and yelling at the press about why he was holding the press conference. Howard also read one of Larry King's stupid newspaper columns and talked about how Sonny Bono's mother is upset by the way his widow has moved on with her life so quickly.
Lisa G's Howard 100 News Preview. 03/01/10. 7:40am
Howard said Beetlejuice was coming in to talk about a new iPhone app he has out. Howard said that Medicated Pete and Beet are managed by the same guy so they both have iPhone apps out now. Howard said that they say that Beetle says he's banged some of Tiger Woods' mistresses.
Howard asked where Beet was. Doug said that he was in the bathroom shitting. Howard asked which one he was in. Gary said it was the one in their compound but he didn't send him there.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Howard and Robin quickly went over the Carley Simon news that came out over the weekend. Howard said Carley told him who ''You're So Vain'' was about and he had actually forgotten. He said that he doesn't remember it being David Geffen though. He said that's who she's claiming it is now.
Lisa G said that Howard wore his scarf on the red carpet on Thursday night and they picked up on that in a magazine. They were saying that Howard can pull off that look with his long neck. Howard said some people were saying that he's gay for wearing the scarf and for sitting down to pee. He said he doesn't do that all the time. He has a urinal in his house so he doesn't have to sit down all the time.
Howard said that he hates peeing in the toilet because the pee gets all over the place and he has to clean it up with toilet paper without touching it. He said sometimes he has to separate his balls from his penis when they're stuck together. He said that sometimes he just uses his underpants to separate them. He has system on top of system so he doesn't have to touch his penis.
Lisa got back to the scarf thing and Howard showed her the one he had today. Lisa didn't like it. Howard said that it wasn't there for Lisa to like it. He didn't want to be evaluated.
Lisa found out that Rosie O'Donnell gave away the Sybian that Howard gave her. She gave it away to a caller. Lisa said that Rosie was just using it for a foot massager. Howard said he bets that she used it. He said she might be too embarrassed to admit it.
Lisa said that Ham Hands Bill has an impersonator out there and he's complaining about that. She said that you can find out the real one on Facebook by going to his web site and linking from there. That site is HamHandsBill.com.
Beetlejuice Visits. 03/01/10. 7:55am
Howard had Beetlejuice come in next. He said that Beet looked like Tiger Woods carrying a golf club in with him today. Howard asked him what the app is all about. Beet said that you push a button and he starts to talk. Howard had him demonstrate it on the iPhone Beet had.
Howard asked Beet if he lost more teeth. Beet had lost a couple more on the bottom. Howard said that this new app that Beet has is $2.99. Howard wasn't able to see what it was doing but Robin thought it was pretty cool. Howard asked who developed it. Beet said that he did it. He said he's a scientist.
Howard asked Beet what's on Medicated Pete's app. Pete came into the studio and said that he has the same manager as Beetle does and he has a similar app to Beet's. He said that it's a bobble head thing and it says stuff that he's known for saying. Beet said his thing says ''Petona'' and he said that means that a woman can fuck a guy or something like that.
Howard heard that Beet had met Pete's girlfriend and asked if he thought she was nice. Beet said that the girl has been coming on to him and he'd probably fuck her. Howard said Beet has quite a way with the ladies. Pete said he didn't know he had competition there but that's something.
Howard heard that Beet said that Pete likes to play with little boys. Beet said that's what Dominic told him. He said that Dominic tried to fuck Pete in the ass or something. Beet said that's what Dominic has been telling him. Howard said Pete didn't actually fuck Dominic the midget. Beet said when he goes to sleep then Dominic wants to do him.
Howard asked Beet about his claims that he banged Tiger Woods' wife Elin. Beet said that he banged the hell out of her. Howard said he also claims he has banged most of his mistresses. Beet said he banged them with the golf club he was carrying with him today.
Beet was telling Howard what the women tell him when he has sex with the nine iron. He said he just shoves it right in.
Howard said Beet was on Superfan Roundtable and Wendy the Retard asked how to make money and Beet told her to get her own app made. Howard said that Beet is a very generous man. He said it's a breath of fresh air to see him when he comes in.
Ralph called in and said that the app is $3 and it should really be just 99 cents. He said he would buy it for a dollar but not 3. He said that it's too much for an app like that. Beet said that's what he put it up on there for. Ralph told him he's being greedy.
A caller asked Beet how many women Beet has been with in one day. Beet said it's like 30. Another caller said that Beet fucked his wife and he's coming after him. Beet said he did fuck his wife. The caller said he's coming after him then.
Howard took another call from a guy who said it was great when Robin said that Beet should hand Howard his phone. He said Howard wouldn't touch that thing. Howard said that was pretty funny. Another caller told Beet that he was his underwear and he was full of shit. Beet didn't seem to care.
Howard asked Beet what he's going to do with the money he gets from this app. Beet said that he will keep working. He's not planning on retiring.
Howard gave beet some plugs for some upcoming appearances he has. You can find out more about all of that at JollyDwarf.com.
Another caller said that Beet is kind of a back stabber for trying to steal Pete's girl. Beet said that she came after him. It's not his fault.
Howard took some more calls and let some people try to get Beet all revved up. One guy was going off on him but Beet wasn't getting too worked up.
Howard wrapped up with Beet and gave him some more plugs. Beet and Pete are going to making some appearances together. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Beet if he's still banging Howard's wife. beet said he does that on the side and everyone has to get a piece of that. Howard said he must be the reason Beth has been smiling lately. Beet said he used the golf club on her and she loves it.
The guys called in with Artie clips and had him yelling at Beet asking him where his 5 grand was. Beet wasn't getting worked up at all. They had Artie calling him a loser faggot but Beet just went along with it like it was nothing.
Gary came in and said that Beet's people were saying that the app is $1.99 and not 2.99. He said they weren't sure why Ralph was shitting on it since it wasn't 3 bucks like he said. Howard said that's what his notes said about it though. Howard told Gary that's what he had in his notes. They went to break a short time later.
in the clip Howard was telling Stuttering John to bring in his water. He said that John has gotten carried away with his band. He said John wants him to call Tommy Mottola for him and get him a record deal. Robin said that John thinks that Howard could get him a deal in a minute. Howard said he's not sure why he has to do it. Howard said he didn't have anyone helping him get a job. He said he just made an audition tape and went in for a job interview. Howard said this guy hired him after he cut off all of his hair. He said he was trying to be professional when he went in for the audition. Howard said he stated out at $4 an hour.
Howard said he had to crawl before he walked. Stuttering John said he's been crawling too. He said that he's been playing in a band since he was in high school. Howard said he hasn't been in the same band though.
Robin said John told her that if the music thing didn't work out then he'd try acting. Howard said John is going to be Stuttering John. That's all he can play.
Howard said he had this burning desire to be in radio since he was 5. John said he's had the same thing with his music and acting. Howard asked what his parents think about this. John said his parents have faith in him. John said Howard's parents had faith in him. Howard said his parents had no faith in him. He said his parents didn't stick by him. John thought they had. Howard said his parents didn't help him out. He said he went out and got a job after college.
Howard said he will do what he said he'd do for John. John said Howard told him the tape sounded good. Howard said maybe he was being a big shot and he can't call. He told John that he would though. John told Howard to do it how he said he'd do it. Howard asked how that was. He told John that he'd just do it the way he wants.
Howard told John not to tell him when he should call. He told John to repeat after him. He had him say ''Howard will call when he wants to.''
Howard said that this is like a radio guy going in and saying he wants to be an announcer but he has a stutter. Then he thinks he didn't get hired because he's Jewish. Howard said he might not call Tommy at all. He told John that he can't compare his career with his. He yelled at John to get out. He said he's done nothing in his career.
Howard said he can't believe that Robin hasn't hung herself hanging out with John so much. Howard said when he got started in radio he walked around making $96 a week. He said at least he was making money. John said that he's been playing all over the place. Howard asked John how old he is. John said he's 24. Howard said when he was John's age he was actually 25.
Howard said he's going to call Tommy on the air and that's it. John wanted him to call off the air. Howard said he's going to do what he has to do. He said he's starting to stutter himself now. He told John to go do whatever it is he does there.
Howard said he feels like this is his son and this is his nightmare. He said he was only supposed to be there a couple of weeks but now he's been there a year and a half.
Robin said that they run into old interns who didn't stick around that long. She said they compare their time there to John. Most people get out of there.
Howard said he's going to call the president of CBS records. John thanked him and clapped. Howard told him not to clap. Howard said he hopes Tommy Mottola is blind so he doesn't see what a mess John is. John said he was in the crowd at Arsenio the other night. Howard said they had some black chicks dancing on the show and they were right in front of Robin and John. Robin said they started dancing and they wanted the whole audience to dance. Robin said they put a camera on them and he started dancing like he was having an epileptic fit. Howard said John is good working on this show. He said if he could just figure out a way to pay him then he'd be good.
Howard said he hopes Tommy didn't see John on Arsenio. He said that could ruin things for him. Howard said there are a lot of bands out there and they have to be unique. Howard said he's taking up too much of his time so he has to get out of this. Howard said he was weak and he shouldn't have opened his mouth about this whole thing.
Gary came in and told John he thinks he's great but he has to get out and pay the food guy for their food. Robin said John can handle that responsibility. Howard asked Jackie for his plugs so they can get out of this. He said he's going to have a nervous breakdown with this kid hanging around.
Charlie Sheen Calls In. 03/01/11. 8:20am
After the break Howard came right back because he had Charlie Sheen on the phone. Howard asked Charlie how he was doing. Charlie said he's been yelling at the wall. He said that he has to right this wrong that has been done to him. Howard said he has read that they are going to pay the crew from the show for the shows that they're not shooting.
Howard said that Charlie is saying that they didn't need to pull the plug on the show. Charlie said they really didn't need to do that. He said he got right to his point on the Today Show and he hasn't gotten a phone call or anything about the questions he has about the show.
Howard told Charlie about how he got sued by CBS and he called Les Moonves out on the air. He asked Charlie if he's worried about his reputation being ruined. Charlie said that he has a lot of offers on the table right now and they're just waiting for information on his TV schedule. He said he's not worried about the movie side of the whole thing.
Howard asked Charlie about paying these broads to fuck them. He said that he has fucked the hottest chicks in Hollywood and he doesn't have to pay. Charlie said that's a whole other segment. He said they can get into that later. Howard said he has had Denise Richards on the show and she seems like the perfect wife for him. Charlie was laughing and saying they were straying from the subject there. Howard said Denise has said that she likes dressing up and stuff. Howard asked how that didn't work out. Charlie said that she threw that piece of paper in there and that screwed things up. He said that she's fabulous and smoking hot and he loves her to death.
Howard asked Charlie if he's done with marriage now. Charlie said that he has failed at 3 so he's not in a rush to get into four. Howard asked more about Denise and stuff like that and he didn't want to get into that. He said maybe they can talk about it tomorrow.
Charlie told Howard that he got Bree Olson to retire. He said that her name is now Rachel. He said that he's created something called a wedge. Howard asked Charlie about the hot chick he had in his back yard during the interview he saw. Charlie told him about that woman, Natty, and how it's the three of them in this relationship. Howard asked if they're willing to get it on with each other. Charlie said that he'd have to ask them about that.
Howard asked Charlie where he is now. He wants to roll with him. Charlie said he's in Sherman Oaks, California. Howard said he wants to hang with him and do what he's doing. Charlie said he's welcome there anytime. Howard asked why he's into Apocalypse Now so much. Charlie said it's a film that teaches him a lot of lessons and it's a magical Odyssey.
Howard asked if he's tight with his dad or is that movie how he stays in touch with him. Charlie said that he sounds like his psychiatrist. Charlie said he's not watching his dad in that movie. he's watching his character.
Howard asked what his brother is up to. Charlie said that he's got a new movie coming out in September and his dad is in it too. Charlie said he's find with them doing that without him.
Howard asked about Jon Cryer and if he's upset with what's going on. Charlie said he thinks he's turning that around. He thinks that Jon is behind him 100 percent. Robin asked if he's been at war with the show people for a long time now. Charlie said that they have been trying to micro manage his personal life so that's what he's upset about.
Howard asked Charlie what the problem is with the show. Robin asked if it could be a problem that he's all over the news with his personal life. Charlie said that he can't get certain questions answered and it's baffling to him. Charlie said he was asking about why there were no scripts when he was ready to come back and why they were unprepared for him to return. He said that they told him to be prepared and he was and they didn't have any scripts.
Howard asked why all of this is blowing up now. Charlie said that he thinks that Chuck Lorre wants out even though this is the show that made him. Charlie said that they should probably fire him and put him back on and everyone will win. Robin said that it seems that they have to keep them all together because CBS won't do the show without Chuck and Chuck won't do the show without Charlie. Charlie said that Les Moonves lied to him and said that they'd take care of the crew but they've only taken care of half the problem at this point.
Charlie said their show was on an upswing in season 8 and that's almost unheard of. He said that they've left them all twisting in the breeze at this point. Howard asked if his family called and tried to get him committed. Charlie said they could try but that would involve gun play. Charlie said he's 45 and he's not ruled by his family.
Howard asked what else Charlie is going to do. He said he's going to do another interview today and then wait by the phone for someone to call him. Howard asked if he banged Bree and Natty last night. Charlie said he can't talk about that. He said he didn't do both of them. Howard asked who his favorite is. Charlie said it's impossible to choose. He said that they're both radically wonderful. Howard asked if they're always around to have sex with him. He said they're not just there for sex but hell yeah they're there for him.
Howard asked what the sleeping arrangements are. Charlie said they have two beds in the bedroom and each girl has her own and he will choose which one he wants to go to. Howard said he's living like a king. Charlie asked why he shouldn't.
Howard asked Charlie about going out with Kelly Preston and if he shot her in the arm accidentally once. Charlie said that a gun fell out of a pocket and it hit her in the leg. He wasn't even in the room at the time. Howard asked if that's when he had his guns taken away. Charlie said that he did decide that it was about time he got rid of them around that time.
Howard asked Charlie if he likes getting into fight. Charlie said that he doesn't like that and it takes more of a man to walk away from a conflict. Howard asked him if the girls ever do things together in front of him. Charlie said he's not that kinky and he's pretty straightforward. Howard said the girl they had in there told them about how he likes to watch porn for hours. Howard said he would like him to come in and critique porn with him.
Howard said that Andy Dick was on the line and he wants to support him. Howard asked if Mel Gibson called him to support him too. Charlie said that he did and he's a rock star. He said he loves Mel. Howard asked him about the drug tests he's been taking lately. Charlie told him about passing those tests and how he's clean now.
Howard said that Charlie is an amazing drug taker. He said he doesn't end up dead or O.D. on that stuff. Charlie said that a man has got to know his limitations.
Howard had Andy Dick on the line so he put him on for a few seconds. Andy got on and asked why he was only going to give him a couple of seconds. Andy's phone cut out so Howard bailed out on the call. Howard asked Charlie if he thinks that he has a shot of getting his show back. Charlie said that failure is not an option. He said that he will get it back and they will get big numbers again. He said he's a man of his word and he's going back to work.
Howard asked Charlie if he loves his life. Charlie asked what's not to love. Howard said he gets the feeling he's on fire and he's not sleeping. Charlie said that he gets some sleep but there are nights that he doesn't sleep. Howard asked if he's lost all of his money in his divorces. He said he's lost a lot but he doesn't believe in panic. That's for amateurs and morons. He said he gets another opportunity when something like that happens.
Howard asked Charlie if he's just with these two girls that he's got now. Charlie said that he's hit the lotto with those girls. Howard asked why his publicist quit. Charlie said that the guy quit via text. He said that he's been his publicist since 2005 or so. He said he's fighting a war right now so he needs someone on his side. He said that he will get his show back and he needs some questions answered.
Howard asked Charlie about this thing that Kacey Jordan told them about. She said that he wanted to create a porn house where he would have two of every type of porn girl in the house. Charlie said he never said he was going to do that but she must have a great imagination. Howard asked if he feels that they're missing him by going out and talking about him like they do after he gives her $30,000. Charlie said maybe she's a retarded zombie.
Howard asked Charlie if he thinks that he's better than everyone else. Charlie said he is but then said he was just joking. He said he's grandiose and that's all it is. He said he's loving every second of what's happening to him. He said that he loves a challenge and he thinks that he'd be able to conquer this one if they'd just give him an answer.
Howard said he planned his attack against CBS and he went to the NY Times and did what Charlie is doing and went on the offensive. He said they caved. Charlie said of course they did. He said that when you put them in the light then they're exposed. He said that they're hiding something and he's hiding nothing. Charlie said that he's telling the truth and they're not.
Howard asked if anyone in his family is trying to get him committed or anything. Charlie said his dad was out there talking about AA and stuff like that but that's not what he wants to hear. He said they're not trying to take over his finances or anything like that.
Howard asked Charlie about the interview he did in his back yard. Charlie said that was a way to get his message out to the world live. Howard said he's also shopping his book for 10 million. Charlie said that it's going to be a great book.
Howard asked Charlie about who the best was that he's ever had. He told Howard it's the two girls he has now, Rachel and Natty. Howard asked him about banging Tabitha Stevens. Charlie said he did that when she was still hot. Howard asked if these new girls are doing something that no one else has. Charlie said that they're great.
Howard asked if he wishes he had a big porn star penis since this Kacey Jordan said it was just normal. Charlie said he's not sure where she's from. Howard asked how big he is and if he could measure for him right now. Charlie said he'd have to get back to him on that.
Howard asked if he's ever shot any porn with these girls. Charlie said he never puts any of that on film. Charlie said that he had to go train but he'd call in tomorrow. Howard said that he should call in tomorrow.
Howard said that his audience is saying that Charlie is their hero. Howard said that they're all behind him.
Howard said they have a bunch of girls coming in on Thursday to do a beauty pageant. He told Charlie who they were and he said he does remember them but didn't want to dignify them. He said they're all lame because of what they did. He said ''Shame on you all...'' to the girls. He said he gave Melanie some stuff and he should ask her what he gave her. Howard said he'll do that. Charlie said if she lies then he'll tell him what he really gave him.
Howard said he wants him to take 3 phone calls. Robin asked if he's sober or just ''Hollywood sober.'' Charlie said he's sober.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's his hero and he wants to come hang out with him. Charlie said he's honored. Howard asked if it makes him feel good when he hears that. Charlie said that he does like that because he's a winner and he'll catch the losers in his rear view. Howard asked if he ever pictures himself as Genghis Khan. Charlie said he wouldn't go that far back because he wouldn't be able to do what he's doing now.
Howard asked Charlie what he's doing today. Charlie said he has some training and then he'll hang with his kids and his goddesses. He said that he has a chef that cooks for him so he's going to have a perfect meal after that. Howard said that he has to hang with him. Charlie said he's welcome anytime. Howard asked if the ex-wives are trying to keep him from the kids. Charlie said of course not. He said anyone who is saying that is just lying. He said that it's all magic there.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he never cared one way or the other but now he's intrigued by what's going on. He said he's recording everything he's a part of now. He told him to keep on winning. Howard said he should copyright that ''Winning'' thing he's doing lately. Fred threw in the clip. Charlie said he was loving all of this.
Another caller said that Denise was on the show a couple of months ago and he asked if she was still giving it to Charlie. She said she's not. He wanted to know if he's still doing her. Charlie said that he's not but he would if she wanted to. He said she still looks amazing. Howard said it must have been amazing the first time he was with her. He said she's out of control sexually but he didn't want to give away too much. He said she's as into it as he is and that's what makes it real. He said that it's all epic.
Howard said he hopes that he gets his show back. Charlie said that hope is for suckers and fools. He's going to get his show back.
Howard said that he's going to put a call into Chuck today and he's going to see if he can get them on the show tomorrow. He said maybe he can mediate it in some way. Charlie said he's available 24/7 so he's up for that. Howard said he'll have Gary work on that now. Charlie said Howard is awesome and thanked him for that.
Ralph called in and asked if he could move in with him for just a week. Ralph said he's living the life. Charlie asked how that helps him. Ralph said he doesn't know. Ralph said that he shouldn't live in the Valley. Charlie said that it's not in the valley, it's just close. He said he can see Sherman Oaks so he calls it Sherman Oaks.
Ralph said that this is great and no one is going to avoid this show when it comes back. Charlie said that he really appreciates ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' because that show made their show.
Howard said that their beef is with this Chaim (Chuck) Lorre. Howard said that Mel Gibson must have loved that he called him out on that. Charlie and Howard spent a couple more minutes talking. Howard asked him about Sean Penn and how he's his buddy. Charlie talked about how great the guy is for all of the parts he's played and for the movie's he's directed.
Howard told Charlie he should help Mel Gibson out and get him laid. Charlie said that's not up to him. He said he knows nothing about that. Howard asked if he ever watches gay porn. He said he doesn't watch that unless he sees it as he walks by a room or something.
Howard said that Ralph is the guy who crashes at John Stamos' house. Ralph said Stamos has nothing like this going on. Charlie said that if Stamos replaces him then they're going to get what they deserve. He doesn't think that he can replace him. He thinks that people would revolt. Howard asked if he ever watches porn on the web. Charlie said it's too grainy. He said that he prefers DVD apparently. Howard said they'll have to get together and hang sometime. Charlie said it sounds Epic to him. Howard let him go after that.
Ralph said that Charlie is Epic. Howard said that was Charlie Sheen for 45 minutes. Robin said that he doesn't sound that crazy. Howard said he sounded kind of rational this morning. Howard asked Fred what he thinks. Fred said he thinks that he's painting it all in his own light and some of the things are being swept under the rug. Howard said Fred isn't going to Charlie's house. Fred said that he wouldn't want to go because he wouldn't want to see his self destruction.
A Couple Of Minutes With Andy Dick. 03/01/11. 9:05am
Howard got Andy Dick back on the phone and said he's sorry he wasn't able to hook him up. Andy said that Charlie backed him up when he was doing his show ''Less Than Perfect'' and he's really a great guy. He said that he backed him up and he's really a great guy.
Howard said Andy is out of control. Howard told Andy to get his shit together. Andy said he's working on it. Howard said he had a nice career going and then he screwed it all up. Howard said he has to pull his shit together. Andy said he's doing that as they speak.
Andy said that he's sorry he wasn't able to call in the day that Lisa Lampanelli was on. He said he lost his phone the night before and then he was just embarrassed. Howard said that Andy basically spit on a body guard when he was kicked out of her dressing room one night. Andy said that he has this habit of spitting when he drinks and that's all it was. He said he's stone cold sober now.
Andy asked how there is no video of Charlie high. Howard said that is pretty amazing since Andy is always on video. Howard said he had to get going because he had to take a break. He told Andy to stay sober. Howard went to break after talking to Ralph for another minute.
In the clip Howard had John come in to sit in while he played the tape of his questions at the LT (Lawrence Taylor) press conference. Howard spent a minute talking to John and then went to the tape. He tried playing it but there was no audio. Scott the Engineer had to come in and fix something. Howard and Fred goofed on him for a minute doing impressions of him.
Howard got back to the tape and said that the guys from WPLJ were there. He goofed on them for a minute and then played tape of this guy Todd from the Scott and Todd show on WPLJ. Gary came in and said that wasn't Todd speaking. He said it was someone else introducing Todd who introduced LT. Howard made fun of the exaggerated intro they had for these guys. Howard said next time they have a press conference he wants Robin to stand there making those noises.
Howard played more of the tape and goofed on the guy who introduced Todd. Howard analyzed every little bit of the tape as it was going on. John said that you'll hear silence when Todd goes over to pour water for Vince McMahon joking about how he got his job. Gary said you'll hear the giant laughs he got from that too. He did get a few laughs. Then Todd comes back and introduces LT by yelling it out in a deep voice. Howard wondered what that was. Gary said that was his announcer voice for the WWF.
LT came out to music and they made a big deal out of this whole thing. Howard said he can't believe that anyone is into wrestling. He said he knows Ronnie the Limo Driver is into it. He goofed on him for a few seconds.
Howard played the press conference where LT talked about how he's entering the wrestling world. LT got applause from the audience there. Then John asked how he was going to celebrate Black History Month. LT said he was going to beat up on white guys. John also asked LT why he didn't take an African name. There was silence. Gary said you can hear someone say ''Shut him up.'' Then you hear people saying that they should throw John out. John said LT was miffed and didn't know what to do. He didn't know he was from the Stern Show. John said that it was very quiet in there and he felt like a dick asking the questions.
Howard played more of the audio and some other people asked questions. Then John asked if LT would ever date Nicole Simpson and if he thinks OJ is innocent or guilty. LT said he's innocent. John asked if he would wrestle Greg Lougainis. Then everyone told him to sit down and shut up. John said they were all yelling at him to shut up.
John asked what he would do if he ever encountered a homo wrestler. LT said he'd send him over to Howard Stern's house. John asked if he'd like to see drugs legalized. He didn't get an answer because LT has had drug problems. LT was laughing at the question and asked ''Aren't they already?''
John asked ''At what point do you look at Captain Lou Albano and say 'that's for me!'' LT said at no point. He got a few other questions from other reporters. John threw out another question which was ''If you knew your wife was going to have a retarded child, would you insist on an abortion?'' LT said he'd keep it so it could end up taking John's place. John said that Howard Stern says hello after that. Howard asked John why he had to throw his name in there after that.
LT got some questions about going into wrestling and why he'd stoop that low. LT said that guy stooped low by going to FOX TV. John said he asked LT more about OJ after that. Howard played that clip and wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard said he was trying to find someone to do rank outs with but all he had was an 11 year old kid. He got the kid on the phone and let the kid get in some rank outs. Howard said he wasn't bad for a kid. Howard did some rank outs of his own and went back and forth with the kid.
Howard said he thought the kid was a little young for the material he was doing. Howard wondered where they got this kid from. Howard told the kid to get out of there. He said that will teach him to mess with him. He said he'd give the kid an album for calling in.
In the clip Howard was talking about how hard it is for Gary to get his lips over his teeth. Gary wanted to move on to the game they were going to play. Robin said it's like curtains that won't close all the way. She said you pull and pull and they won't close. Howard asked Gary to try closing his lips. Gary said he'd try but it's hard when he's asked to do it.
Howard told Gary to close those lips. Gary did it and said that they do close but it's hard when he's told to do it. Gary said he never shuts up so his mouth is open most of the time. Howard said Gary's mouth was open while he was sleeping on the plane. He said he woke up asking for orange juice. Gary said he has never slept on a plane for the whole flight like he did that time. Howard said he was leaning his head on him and he had his mouth open the whole time.
Howard said that Gary looks fine even though he's a mismatch with his wife. Robin said that when she had the kid she figured she really loves him.
Howard had the guys bring in some food for Gary to eat. Gary at a little chocolate. Robin said Gary eats from the side. She said he goes to the back molars to eat. Howard said the lips have to fight the chocolate. Howard had him bite in the front. Howard and the guys cringed. Robin said she gave a carrot to a horse the other day and that's what it looked like.
Howard told Gary to wipe his lips. He said that bar didn't stand a chance. Ralph came in and said if you really want to see something gross you have to see him make this milk shake. He said he licks the spoon like a cow. He said he does it right in front of you too. Howard asked why he's eating that for breakfast. Gary said he hasn't had that in like 8 or 9 months.
Howard asked Scott to cut in a horse eating a carrot in the E! show edit. Gary said they had better get the right shot now because he's not going to do it later. Howard and Robin made fun of Gary for a couple more minutes and then went to break.
KC Vs. Tom General Knowledge Quiz. 03/01/04. 7:20am
Howard came back from break and brought up ''The Passion of the Christ'' and how much money it's made already. He said that it had made about $117 million by Saturday. Howard said that it's like the biggest movie ever but it's also the biggest piece of crap. Robin said that they don't tell you anything in the movie, you just see the guy getting grabbed in the beginning and then getting beaten for the rest of the movie.
KC was in and noticed that Robin was sweating. She said that she was a little warm in her booth. That led to Howard talking about how he knew that moving into that building was a bad idea. He said he told Tom that he needed a studio with high ceilings because the E! lights would get really warm. He said that the ceilings ended up being lower than they were in the previous building. Howard said he asked for high ceilings and temperature control for the studio. The temperature controls don't work though. He said that Tom is an idiot and he told him that after all of this stuff went down.
Tom came in and said that he's not an idiot. Howard told him that he is an idiot and people like Gary the Retard don't know that they're idiots. Howard brought up how Gary the Retard was born on February 29th so he only celebrates his birthday every 4 years. He said the guy has only had like 11 birthday celebrations because of that.
Tom told Howard that they spent a lot of money to make his board work for him in the studio. Howard and Robin didn't know how that had anything to do with the ceiling height in the studio. Tom said that the ceilings were high enough, it's just the lights that hang too low. Tom said that the high ceilings aren't good for radio sound. They're good for the TV show but not for the radio show. Howard said that it affects the radio show though so it does matter. He wanted to kick Tom out of the studio but KC said that he could probably beat Tom in a general knowledge quiz. He said he only got an 820 on his SAT tests.
Howard had 5 questions but Tom didn't want to play the game. Tom said that he could ask KC some questions. Howard asked KC ''How many cards in a deck of cards?'' and he got it right. He asked Tom ''How many centimeters are in a meter?'' Tom said ten and got it wrong. Howard asked the two of them a few more questions and both of them got a few correct. Tom didn't want to play the game but Howard made him answer the questions anyway. KC knew more than he should have so Tom thought that he wrote the questions and the game was a set up. KC said he didn't though and did miss a question or two. They were tied up toward the end of the game. They both got a couple more questions wrong so Howard said that neither of them are all that bright.
In the clip Howard was talking about how Scott had come to him and asked for him to call Richard Simmons to help him get over his smoking and eating. Howard asked Scott when he said this and why he thought he agreed to do it. Scott said Jackie heard him say it. Howard said he never heard it. Howard said he heard he was asking for Richard's home phone number. Scott said he never asked for the home number. Howard said that's the only number they have.
Howard asked Scott what he thinks is going to happen if he calls him. Scott said he wants to get in shape and to stop smoking. Howard said Richard is going to call and tell him to stop. That's it. Howard did an impression of Richard talking to him and singing a song to Scott. Howard, as Richard, asked Scott what his problem is. Scott said he smokes a lot and he's over weight. Howard did his Richard impression for a minute and sang to him some more.
Howard told Scott he's out of control. He said he should be able to quit on his own. He said he doesn't need Richard Simmons for that. Scott said if he thinks it's a bad idea then fine. Howard said everything Scott does is weird. He said if he was a regular guy he wouldn't be doing this. Howard asked what he's thinking and what his fantasy is. Scott said he's hoping he has a program for him. Howard said he's been on every program and they've tried to help him already.
Howard said Scott is pathetic. He said he's not even a friend of the show anymore. He said he ducked out and he doesn't care about Scott. Howard asked when he came up with this. Scott said it was last week after Howard yelled at him about smoking.
Jackie suggested that they tie a Nutty New Yorker candy bar around his neck for the whole day. Scott said he doesn't eat candy anyway. He wasn't going to do it. Howard said he's going to hang a cigarette in the Nutty New Yorker too. Howard told Scott to do it. Scott refused. Howard said he has to learn self control. Howard said that's all there is to it. Scott said he doesn't need this.
Howard said that Scott has to wear the chocolate bar for four hours. Scott said he really didn't want to do that. Jackie said they could give him a digit for Richard's phone number for every hour he wears it. Howard told him to try and last for the whole show. He said he'll check in with him later. Scott said he doesn't want the chocolate bar.
Scott's wife called in so Howard took the call and told her that he's trying to help Scott. He said he tied a chocolate bar around his neck to help. Mrs. Salem said that Howard is not nice. She said that she only weighs 109 pounds and this isn't her fault. Howard said he's trying to help Scott. She asked why he won't help with his weight. Howard said he is. He said that he has to cut back on what he eats and he'll lose weight. Mrs. Salem asked if Howard goes to the gym. Howard said he doesn't go to the gym. He said he does the Stair Master thing and he controls his eating.
Scott said he really doesn't eat a lot. He said he hasn't had a thing yet this morning. Howard said that's a problem. Howard said Scott doesn't need Richard Simmons. He said he wants someone to lead him and he doesn't need it. Howard said he doesn't want Richard Simmons calling him. Howard said he will help. Mrs. Salem asked him to promise her that he will. Howard did.
Howard asked Mrs. Salem to let him take over and give him some tough love. She said she's fine with that. She told him not to give Scott chocolate. Howard said he's just wearing it around his neck. Scott said it was staring to smell good.
Howard told Mrs. Salem to withhold sex from Scott to keep him on the diet. She said she can't do it anyway because she was in a car accident. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard said that was Scott's dream girl on the phone. Scott said he said that sarcastically. Howard said he did not. He said he had a dream girl before and this is his second dream girl. Scott said that's right. Robin said this was a better dream though. Howard said ''Oh yeah...''
Howard said you have to see this to believe it. Robins said they have to get a picture of it. She said that they can document Scott's weight loss.
In the clip Howard and the guys were doing a play that Howard called ''The Sound of Morons.'' Howard read his lines and talked about how much he hates his job. He said the place was beneath him. Howard had music playing behind him from ''The Sound of Music'' and sang a song about the guys he works with. Howard sang about wanting to quit and what a twit Tom Chiusano is.
Howard said that was worth the week long wait for Fred to write it. He said he didn't write it himself and he hopes Betty Thomas didn't hear it. Then Gary comes in and breaks into song parody of one of the songs from The Sound of Music.
Scott came in and started to sing too but Howard cut him off saying that he was screwing the whole thing up. Howard said everyone was perfect until that. Howard said the play was brilliant until Scott came in. Scott started over but Howard cut him off and said that's the end of the play. Robin tried to help Scott get the song but he said he couldn't do it.
Howard told Scott to light up and maybe he can get it right. Scott said he doesn't want a cigarette. Howard told Scott to emote and just do it. Scott said he can't do it. He eventually tried again and did okay with it.
Gary and Stuttering John read their parts next. They had an argument and then Stuttering John sings a song parody about stuttering to the tune of ''If I Were A Rich Man.''
Steve Grillo came in and sang a song to the tune of ''The Impossible Dream.'' Howard cut him off too. He asked if he rehearsed. Grillo said he did. He swore to god he did. Howard said he wanted to end the play after that. Grillo asked for one more try. Howard said he had to take a commercial break at least. Grillo begged for another try. Howard gave him one more chance. Grillo sang the song pretty much the same way he did the first time. Howard was fine with it though. Grillo finished up the play and they wrapped up a short time later.
Howard said the audience was going wild. He took a call from a guy who said that it was nonsense. Howard took another call and that guy liked the play. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
In the clip Robin was reading about how Kathie Lee brought her kids to a Broadway play and they were out of control. Robin said they had Cody and his pals there and the kids were all out of control. The kids were only 5 years old.
Howard said he guarantees his kids will grow up better than her kids. He said her kids can't even behave in a theater. Howard said he hopes Cody grows up to be a criminal and he ends up beheading someone. Howard imagined what it would be like when it happens. He said the kid will probably end up in prison.
Robin said that they took the kids out and marched them home. Howard said he hopes they learn that Satan takes over Cody's body and they have to call in an exorcist to rid him of Satan. Howard did his Satan voice and Fred played the Exorcist music and some vomiting sounds.
Howard said it would be so beautiful if they found out he was the incubus. He said kids who are fawned over never become anything. Howard said Giff is pretty old now too and he can't possibly be taking a big part in the kid's life. Howard said it's totally unnatural. He said he doesn't look like he's going to live long. He's on those awful cruises with Kathie Lee and he just looks like he wants to go home.
Howard talked about what he'd like to see happen to those kids. He said he hopes Cassidy ends up calling Ralph for a date when she grows up.
In the clip Robin was reading about this guy Khalid Muhammad and how he used to work with Farrakhan. That led to Howard and Fred doing their black voices and goofing around with that for a short time. Robin said that he got in to see a screening of ''Schindler's List'' and he had some things to say about it. Howard and Fred imagined what he might have said. Robin had audio of what he actually said. Khalid said that he was moved and touched. Robin said he had some other things to say about it during a speech he made last night. Howard played that speech and did more of his impression of the guy. Howard and Fred did that for a couple of minutes. Billy West got into that too and did his impression of the guy giving his speech. Howard would play a couple of seconds of the speech and then they'd do their impressions. Billy was doing the speech and including the opening song to Gilligan's Island and also doing Hickory Dickory Dock making both of them sound very important.
In the clip Robin was reading about what they're doing at the World Trade Center after the bombing down there. Robin said that they allowed people back in for a short time to get computers out of the building. Robin said they have closed both buildings. Robin said they are going to figure out what exploded and possibly find out who did it. Robin said they have had a few calls claiming credit. Robin said there was no warning of the bombing either.
Robin said they say that don't have any real clues yet but they think it was a dynamite explosion or a mixture of fuel oil and something else. Robin said they don't think it's plastic explosives.
Howard said it's crazy that there are people who want to take credit for something like that. Howard said all of his fans were going nuts calling all of the channels during the news coverage. He wasn't sure if Gary had them all carted up yet.
Robin said she saw one report where they said they found another survivor but later on she said that the person was found but he wasn't even in the building when the explosion happened.
Robin said that she never expected to see so many people coming out with soot on their faces. She said it all still got into their mouth and nose no matter where they are. Howard said those buildings are so unnatural. He said they're so big and you can't even open a window. Howard said it's frightening. He said he can't imagine being on the 110th floor of the building.
Howard said he's sure it was terrorism. Robin said they haven't proven that yet. Howard said he's sure it was a terrorist who did it. Howard said we allow them into this country every day. He said most of them come in off a plane. He said that now they will see more and more activity. He said if you fly into this country without a proper visa they should be sent back. Howard said they hold them in holding centers and then release them on to the street.
Howard said there are people in this country who fake their visa and they come in without one. He said they let them out on the street for 30 days and tell them to come back. He said they never come back. Howard said he knows about this stuff. Robin asked why he's just talking about it now. Howard said no one will listen to him.
Robin said they say that there may have been more than one car that was involved with the bombing. Howard said that they say that the parking garage goes really deep there. Robin said that most of the people who were killed were eating lunch in the lower level of the building.
Howard said he can't stand the building they're in. He said they keep recirculating the same air but at least they can open some windows. Robin said she didn't know if they could open windows at the WTC or not. Howard said you can't open them. Howard said he knows that for sure. Robin said they're beefing up security in a number of places today. She said they have other places they think might be targets to they're beefing up security.
Howard said that the WWOR people thought they might be hit. He said all they do is run Popeye cartoons at that channel. Robin said they never beef up security there at their building. They ended that segment a short time later.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:40am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:50am.