In the segment Howard spoke to a couple of German broadcasters who were visiting the United States. Howard talked to them about how scary their country is and how he's afraid to even look at pictures of their country. He also talked to them about being half Jewish himself and if they would have wanted him killed in World War II.
Howard told the guys that they had no chance after they brought out the atom bomb. He said that they never even felt the effects of that, they took it all out on the ''nips.''
Howard said he was going to play some of his guests radio show and ended up playing some Hitler audio clips instead. He suggested to them that they change their names to ''Hitler'' so they could get some notice over there in Germany. He tried giving them some other names that were similar to Cousin Brucie and things like that.
Howard gave the guys a message to bring back to their country so they could let them know that they should still be afraid of this country. Then he took some questions about the radio stations that he's on. Howard said that he's on 21 stations and one of the guys said that he's on 44. Howard said that might be the case but Germany is the size of Philadelphia so he shouldn't be bragging.
Howard said that if they did go to war with Germany again, they'd probably end up having a lot of angry black guys showing up over there. He asked them about the type of music they play over there and things like that. Howard said they looked like they wanted to march him into an oven toward the end of the interview. He wrapped up with them a short time later and let them go.
Howard said if they put Gary into the ovens over there, all that would be left is two giant teeth. He had some fun talking about that after the German guys had left. They all had some fun with that for a couple of minutes before Howard had to move on.
Kotex later called in and was exposed by another listener for not being from Haiti. It turns out that Kotex is actually from Jamaica. Howard let a bunch of angry fans yell at Kotex before hanging up on her once again.
Howard said that Jan Michael Vincent was coming in and he was wearing an eye patch because he'd been in a car accident of something. Jan came in a short time later so Howard told him he was digging the eye patch thing. Howard told him he looks like he's about 75 years old. Jan thought that was funny and got a laugh out of that. He said he's actually only 50.
Howard talked to Jan about his car accident and got the details about that. Jan said that he had gone to a motorcycle ride called the Love Ride but took his truck with him. He didn't get too far into the story before he got sidetracked. He ended up telling Howard that he's a big fan of his and that's why he came in to do the show.
Jan eventually got back to his story about the car accident and told Howard what had happened. He said that his truck had been repossessed along with his Harley which was in the back of it. A friend of his came in to help out with the story and said that Jan had been having some trouble with his wife and started to get into some stuff that Jan didn't want him to so he asked to tell the story himself.
Jan said that he had a run in with his wife's car after his truck had been repossessed. Howard ended up having to hit the delay on Jan a couple of times because he was cursing so much. He ended up asking Jan if he had killed his wife's cat. His friend told Howard to ask him about a kitten but Jan denied ever killing a kitten. He said that he said that was all bullshit and he didn't want to get into all of that. Howard said he thought that's why he was on the show, to get that stuff out in the open.
Howard took a break during that interview and when he came back he continued from where he'd left off. He asked Jan how many girls he had been with in his life. Jan didn't have a number. He talked about the two wives he's had and the one kid. He said the new wife wants a kid but he didn't want to get into that stuff. Jan said he wanted to move on to the next question but Howard said he was running out of them and he wasn't sure what else to ask him about.
Jan gave Howard a phone number for his girlfriend so they could call her on the air. Howard said that he feels kind of bad for Jan as they were talking about all of his problems with his wives and stuff. Jan said that if he were Howard, he'd feel bad for him too. That got a few laughs out of the guys.
Howard got Jan back on the subject of his accident once again. Jan said that he loved his dog, his truck and his Harley in that order. He still hadn't gotten to the story about what happened, he got sidetracked over and over again.
Gary came in and said that he got a hold of Jan's wife who went off on him for calling her ''in the middle of the night'' and hung up on him. Jan said that there's nothing new there.
Howard said that there was a woman in the car with Jan when he got into this accident. Jan claims that she was just a maid who was riding with him. He's hoping that she doesn't come out of hiding. Howard told Jan that if he'd been in an accident like he was, he wouldn't be walking around. Jan's eye was swollen shut and he wasn't even sure about the condition it was in.
Jan's friend told Howard that Jan actually shot a scene for a new movie after his accident. They wrote the accident into the script and used it as part of the story line. Jan said that it was one of the best scenes he's ever done in a movie. Jan's friend, David Krief, said that Jan could have died flying on an airplane after he had his retina reattached yesterday. The doctors advised him not to fly but he went ahead and did it anyway.
Howard wrapped up with Jan and talked about all of the stuff that they'd gone over already. They never did get to the bottom of the accident story. Howard also said that they weren't clear on the dead cat story either. Jan claimed he never did stomp on a kitty. He said that he really missed his dog a lot though.
Howard asked Jan to take him on a motorcycle ride sometime. Howard said he'd sit on the back like a girl. Jan said he'd do that as long as he leaned the right way. Howard asked Jan about his accident one more time before he wrapped up. Jan said he was picking up some stuff for his housekeeper and when he was driving home he leaned over to get something and the next thing he remembered was being in a helicopter. They wrapped up the interview a short time later.
In the clip we hear Howard asking the guys to bring in the monkey. The monkey's name was Lisa, the trainer's name was Lynn. Howard wanted to make sure he didn't get those confused when they came in. Everyone said ''Awww'' when they saw the little monkey come in. It was making a chirping noise. Lynn said it was only 5 weeks old. Howard said it was so cute he wanted to eat it. He didn't want to hold it at first because he was afraid of dropping it. He gave it right back to Lynn a few seconds later and told her to get that thing away from him.
The monkey was a cinnamon capuchin according to Lynn. They had the baby and also an adult that they were going to use to spin a wheel to pick the music for the station. Howard said that they were going to call that monkey ''Tim Sabean'' but changed it to ''Tim Simian'' a short time later.
They had wheel that the monkey could spin and they'd play the music that it landed on. Howard was trying to prove that even a monkey could program the station there. They'd spin the wheel and find an artist, then Gary would pull out their CD and let the monkey pick the song on the album to play. The first one was Cream's ''White Room.'' Howard had the monkey spin the wheel again and it came up on Van Halen so they had the monkey pick a song off an album. Lisa the monkey picked ''Jamie's Cryin.'' Howard played that song and had Lisa pick another one while it was playing.
The next song picked was Daytripper by The Beatles. Howard said that these picks were no worse than the songs they play during the day on the station already. They picked a couple more songs and then Howard wrapped up with the trainer who brought the monkey in. She said that she'd rather not plug anything so Howard was kind of surprised by that. He said she may have been the first guest to come in and not ask for a plug.
Howard had Andre Gardner come in since he's the Program Director there. He asked Andre what it feels like to have a monkey able to do his job. Andre said that he doesn't think that it could do it for 3 months straight. Howard said he guarantees him that the ratings would go up if they had the monkey do his job. He said the monkey would be pulling down six figures in no time.
Howard put Andre and the monkey up against each other. Jackie suggested they have both of them pick and then have Tom Chiusano come in to try and guess who picked what. Howard had Gary handle all of that and didn't let anyone know who was picking what. Andre picked a song after the monkey picked one. Howard said that Andre has been in the business for 18 years and he's up against a monkey wearing a diaper.
Howard took a look at the songs that were picked and said that it's going to be tough for Tom to figure out who picked what. Tom came in a short time later and Howard said he must have been thinking when they talked about having a monkey doing this job. Tom just laughed.
Howard took a break which was edited out of this replay. They came back and Howard gave a speech about how he's always thought that they could program a station with a monkey and he was proving that today. He then played the first set of songs which included Bruce Springsteen's ''Badlands,'' ''Rosalita'' and ''Born to Run'' as well. Then he played the next set of songs which included U2's ''With or Without You,'' Jethro Tull's ''Locomotive Breath'' and Peter Gabriel's ''Red Rain.''
Tom said that he had to go with the second set of songs. Those were the monkey's songs. Andre said he picked the three Bruce songs because they were showing his knowledge of music history and Bruce's career. Tom said he definitely liked the second set and he'd have to go with it's picks. Tom said he's going to stick to Andre though and not give his job to a monkey. Howard said that's coming from the same man who hired the Greaseman.
Howard asked Gary what he likes to do. Gary said he likes to watch sports so Howard told him to take them to a game. Gary said he's done that. Gary said that the kids are in the Cub Scouts and that stuff is the kind of stuff they want to do, that's why he does it with them. The battleship thing is supposed to show the kids what it was like for the soldiers back in the 1940's. Artie told him that it's not the 1940's anymore and he should be teaching the kids about the ''intranet'' instead.
Howard said that he participated in his daughter's lives. He went to basketball games they played in and helped them build stuff but if he didn't want to do it, his wife would take over. Gary said that he's seen some guys who read a book to their kid but won't read a big paragraph to them, they just shorten it to a sentence. Howard said he's guilty of doing that himself. Gary asked Howard if he steers his daughter to a movie that he'd rather see if there's a choice of a couple of different ones. Of course he does, why would he want to sit through a movie he won't enjoy. Howard told Gary to just go and sleep on the metal chain bed and let him know how it goes. Gary said he's going to do that and he'll fill them in when he comes back. Gary wondered if there were things he wanted to do with his dad that he never got to do. Howard said there was nothing he really wanted to do with his dad at all.
Robin said that Scott DePace has hired strangers to take care of his 8 month old. Gary said that Scott told him that if he could, he would give his kid to a stranger for a month and let them bring the kid back. He doesn't think he'd miss much of anything. Howard compared that to his dog that was raised from a puppy by the breeder. He has the dog now that it's been trained and it's great. He thinks that people could let their kids be raised by someone until they're 7 years old and they'd be fine with them after that. Scott thought 7 would be a little long though. Howard said he would have much rather have been raised by someone other than his parents for 6 years or so. He thinks he would have been better off mentally. Scott told the guys that his father gave him the pinewood derby stuff and pointed him to the tools when he was 6 or 7 years old. The car fell apart during the race but he learned how to build it himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the battleship thing is horrible, he's done it. He said that there are going to be 500 screaming kids in the ship and he's going to have to deal with that. Gary doesn't seem to mind all of that stuff but he was complaining about it earlier. Howard told the guys that he and his daughter went out and bought a journal the other day. He helped her get it started so he does do stuff with his kids. He and Gary were still arguing about the whole battleship thing. Howard said he would never do something like that and he knows that Gary is going to be miserable and he really doesn't have to go through it if he doesn't want to. Howard had to take another break after that.
Around 8:00 Stuttering John called in from Boston University again. This time he was at the Chancellor's office. The Chancellor wasn't in but there was an assistant there. Howard gave the assistant a message for Chancellor Silber. He freaked out about being ignored by the college he graduated from and he won't take it anymore. A little while later John went up and tried to interview Silber. Silber was a wise guy and said that he thought Howard was a sports announcer. John then walked right into his office and got thrown out. Howard told John to go and find some Public Relations guy who will give Howard a statement. Howard then went back to interviewing Branford. He played a couple of tracks from Branford's new album and actually enjoyed them.
Howard also told Tiny about the Naked Jeopardy segment that they had just done and Tiny told him he wished that he'd had him in the studio for that. Tiny talked about how he goes to topless bars just to look at the girls lovely faces. He said that there are a lot of girls with very beautiful faces. He gives the good looking girls a lot of money too.
Howard said that Tiny would have liked the girl that they'd just had in there, Nicole. Tiny said he probably would have. They also talked about Tiny meeting Jessica Hahn and how he'd like to bring her back to his apartment. Howard didn't think that Tiny would have any women into his apartment because he's so paranoid about germs.
Tiny told Howard that he believes that it's better to get a lady of the night instead of pleasuring yourself. He said that it's something that's so naughty that he can't do it. He said he has been tempted though.
Howard talked to Tiny about his weight gain and found out that he likes to drink Aunt Millie's pasta sauce right out of the jar with sunflower seeds. Howard told him that's why he's gaining weight but Tiny said that it doesn't have all of the fattening stuff in it. He said that he does drink a lot of beer though so that's probably why he's gained some weight. He told Howard about some of the other things on his diet as well.
Howard and Tiny were talking about the many different things that Tiny eats. He talked about eating pumpkin seeds with barbecue sauce. He gave name brands for many of the things that he was talking about. He talked about this Loving Care product he likes and told Howard that he would never do advertisements for them. He said that he just talks about the stuff he likes and doesn't expect any products from the manufacturer or anything like that. He talked about Job Squad on a show one time and they wanted to send him some of their product but Tiny turned them down.
Tiny thinks the Elvis could still be alive after reading some stories about him in the tabloids. He said that he thinks that he could make a come back some day and surprise everyone. Tiny had a song about Elvis that Howard was going to play. Tiny said the only person playing the song is Dr. Demento at this time. Howard's show is the first real radio show to play it. Howard played Tiny's song ''I Saw Mr. Presley Tip Toeing Through The Tulips'' a short time later.
Howard said he didn't know that Tiny did an Elvis impression but he did one in the song. He told him that it was genius to revive the tulip thing in the song.
Howard told Tiny that he could stick around for the rest of the Naked Jeopardy game they were going to play. He went to break and set up for that. After the edited out commercial break Howard brought in the girls and let Tiny talk to them a little bit. Tiny ended up leaving because the girls wouldn't take their clothes off in front of him.
Howard also asked her if she makes it with chicks. She said she has done that and had a girlfriend for a while but she was too crazy for her. She said she was always jealous and possessive of her.
Aiko claims that she thought Eddie was kind of ugly but went out with him anyway. She said he had a good personality and he was funny. Aiko also talked about how Eddie had white flowers all over the house when she went over to his house for the first time and she thought it was kind of gay.
Howard had Wood Yi say a few lines here and there during the interview. She seemed to find it pretty funny though.
Aiko said that she went out with Bill Maher at one point. Howard said he's the last white guy you go out on a date with. She said she used to date only Asian guys and he was the first white guy. She said that Rob Schneider also came up to her and asked her how he could meet girls like her. She said she told him to go to a Japanese restaurant.
Howard asked Aiko how big her breasts are. She said they're a C-cup so Artie said ''Speaking of C-cups, can we see those cups?'' She did give them a quick peek. Howard also asked her if she's wearing panties. She stood up and showed him what she was wearing. He told Robin that he was going to get her the same outfit.
Howard asked Aiko when she had lesbian sex for the first time. She said she was 19 years old. She didn't get into many details though.
Lenny Kravitz was on the phone and Howard asked Aiko if she finds him attractive. She said she finds him ugly. Howard put Lenny on the air and asked him what he thought about that. Lenny said it happens to the best of them. Howard said he was glad she didn't find him attractive though. Robin wanted to know who she thinks is cute. She said the guy from Linkin Park is cute. She also said Jet Li is also a cute guy. Howard got back to Lenny and asked him why he can't write a song that is pro-war. Lenny said the song is just a song about peace. He said he never said anything about not supporting the troops or anything like that. He said he wishes that human beings could be on a level where they settled things by talking instead of fighting. He said people are blowing things out of proportion. He said he supports the troops out there but he's not getting political and coming out against the war. He's just about peace. Howard said Lenny has always written songs about ''Let Love Rule'' and stuff like that so he gets where he's coming from. Howard also talked to Lenny about why he has the other two Middle Eastern guys in the song with him. They talked about that for a short time and Lenny continued to say that he's not anti-anything. He said he's for peace and that's what the song was from. He said the songs is available on RockTheVote.org and LennyKravitz.com. Robin questioned him about the fact that he hasn't voted in like 18 years. Lenny said the number of years was wrong and had a quick explanation for why he went with Rock the Vote. Howard ended up playing his song to let everyone hear it. He spent a couple more minutes talking to Lenny about the song and took some phone calls for him. He also asked Lenny what it was like dating Kate Hudson. Howard asked him how that piece of ass was. Lenny said he'd have to ask Chris Robinson about that. Howard said he gets a lot of young chicks. Howard quoted James Wood as saying you don't go to the pound and get a 5 year old dog, you get a puppy.
Howard let a few more phone calls through. One guy said that Lenny didn't tip them after they did some work on his house. Howard said if a guy comes to your house and does a job where he gets paid good money, they shouldn't expect a tip. Lenny said he did have some work done but he doesn't handle that stuff so he didn't know what the guy was talking about. Howard joked that Lenny really is Jewish if he doesn't tip. He said he was just kidding though. Another guy complained about not getting his money back from a concert where Lenny passed out after 3 songs. Lenny said he went back and performed after that so he should have been able to go to that show. The guy didn't want to hear it though so Howard hung up on him. Another guy called in and said he didn't understand where Lenny was coming from with this ''peace'' stuff. He and Lenny argued about it for a couple of minutes. Lenny tried to explain to the guy that it wasn't a anti-war song, it's just a peace song and this was a good time to put it out. Lenny said his song shows that not all Iraqis are for Saddam Hussein. Howard let through a couple more calls for Lenny. Lenny said that he didn't put out the song to make money either. He said it's out there for everyone to have for free. One guy said that the whole reason for the war is to have peace. Lenny said that's true and the troops over in Iraq understand that. He said he gets letters from guys over there who tell him that.
KC came in and said he had a couple of other women that Lenny has been with. He mentioned Naomi Campbell and Kylie Minogue. Lenny said he never had Naomi but did date Kylie many years ago.
Howard asked Lenny if there's anything he'd kill over. Lenny said if someone messed with his family, he'd be willing to kill someone. Howard took some more phone calls for Lenny and some guys just goofed on the whole conversation. One guy said the only reason Howard had Lenny on was because he's a Jew just like him. Howard took a couple more phone calls and said his head was spinning by the end of it. He couldn't get over the fact that he banged Kate Hudson though. He played a little more of Lenny's song. Howard said he just wanted to get to the point in the song where the Iraqi guy was singing. Artie started doing an impression of the guy and mixed it up with his AC/DC impression. Howard took even more calls for Lenny after that.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Lenny if he's going to fire his manager for releasing the song. Lenny said he's not going to do that and he's going to let the song speak for itself. Lenny said he just wants peace and the song says that for him. Howard said that this argument could go on all day long so he tried to wrap it up. He said that we have to get rid of this kook, and he wasn't talking about Lenny. He spent another minute talking about that and got off the phone with Lenny.
Howard got back to Aiko after that and wondered where they left off. They got right back into goofing on Bill Maher and Howard asked her if she shaves all her hair down there. She said she leaves a little bit down there. Aiko told Howard about her lesbian experience. She said she was dancing on Soul Train at the time when this chick came on to her. She said she decided to give it a try. Howard asked her about all of the details. Wood Yi got in a few more lines during that discussion. Here are some of those lines:
Today's Mammary Lane was wrapped up around 1:05pm.
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Howard started off the show complaining about his microphone stand squeaking. He moved it around so it was squeaking like crazy and then made it sound like a squeaking bed and moaned for Robin a little bit. He said some people think it's his chair but it's actually the stand.
Howard talked about some of the stuff they had coming up on the show like Dice Clay wanting to call in to talk about some stuff. He said he was on the phone with him last night. Howard has been writing his book and he was trying to avoid everyone yesterday. He locks himself in his office and tries to avoid everyone.
Howard said he'll write a chapter and turn it into his editor and she'll tell him that she liked the previous ones better. He said he did six chapters that he turned in and gave them to his editor who goes through them, edits them and then gives them back to him to go over to make sure he's okay with the edits. He said it takes a lot longer than you'd think it would. He said he hates reading stuff after he writes it. He said he's read the chapters like 20 times before it's done.
Howard said he has some stuff in the book about Robin and that's turning into a pain in the ass because he's got to line up a bunch of stuff like pictures and things like that.
Howard said that he's been working outside sometimes. He used to have to do the writing inside but then he found that he could go outside and enjoy the weather while he's working on this stuff. Robin is thinking of writing a book too and she knows how lonely it can be to sit down and write that stuff out. Howard said he's not sure it's worth going through because it's such a tough process. He said that the end product is what you're looking forward to but it's tough to get through the rest of it.
Robin said that she'd like to have herself taped and then have someone transcribe it for her. Howard said she could do it that way but it might be tough.
Howard said that he's doing a photo shoot at the end of the month and he needs like 20 women to help him out. He suggested that they call in and let him know so he can look them over.
Howard said Gary announced they had a new porno movie to watch so they all sat down to watch it. They discussed in detail what the woman looked like and how unattractive she was. Howard said she was getting spanked and whipped and stuff like that. Howard said that half way through the movie, the woman ''made lunch'' for the guy. He said he started to gag when he saw that and then Jackie was almost puking.
Jackie said that Robin wasn't able to see it so they had to rewind it for her so she could see it. Gary said he saw Howard cover up his face which was something he'd never seen before. Howard said they have to get back to the rest of that movie today.
Howard said that Kathy Tobin sits back there the whole time and doesn't look at any of it. He's not sure how she does that. She just ignores it all. Robin talked about how gross that stuff was but she reminded Howard of it too much and he said he was getting sick again just thinking about it.
The guys said that the whole thing was just disgusting and the more movies they get, the grosser they get. Howard said that someone will probably top it by sending in something even worse.
Another caller asked what they're going to call Howard's book. Howard said he's thinking of ''Private Parts'' or even ''Penis.'' He said that the publisher isn't sure if they could put out a book with a name like that. The caller suggested ''Talking Tall'' but Howard said that it wasn't all that great.
The caller also asked Howard about getting his vision fixed by his friend Dr. Lou. Howard said he doesn't even wear contacts and he doesn't care that much about getting his eyes fixed. He said he'd probably get sick and lose his voice if he had his eyes done. He's always afraid of that happening.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked when this book is going to be coming out. Howard said he wasn't sure yet. He was still working on it and didn't have a clue yet. He took another call from a guy who sounded like he was a little out of it. The caller said he got into an event where Vice President Gore was at and mentioned Howard to him. Howard wondered how this guy can get in when he can't get any time with President Clinton at all.
Howard had to rush the guy though his story about meeting Gore because he was dragging it out too much. The guy claimed he had asked Gore about getting the FCC off his back and Gore didn't answer him about it. His people told him that he can't ask Gore about Howard Stern. The guy's story didn't go much further so Howard let him go.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up Pit Bulls and said that they're not as dangerous as people make them out to be. Howard didn't want to argue about that and said that the dogs are dangerous.
The caller was also telling Howard about how his name was brought up in a news show the other night and they lumped him in with the Greaseman. Howard said they always do that and he doesn't like it. He got fed up with that caller too and let him go a short time later.
Howard said that they just hired that Greaseman guy there at his station and he's not going to kiss the guy's ass. He went break a short time later.
Howard said that they have a phone attached to their treadmill. He also said that it's funny how it looks like Joan wants to have her daughter's body. He said Joan seems to be trying to make her daughter a sex symbol but she's really not one, she's just a nice girl.
Howard was also talking about Joan's husband Edgar who was an odd looking guy. Howard said he was kind of ugly but he had money and he was interested in Joan. She was kind of a pig at the time they got married too so he married a pig. He said he thinks that Joan would agree with that statement because she was one at the time. Howard said that if he ran People magazine, he'd interview Joan's first husband. He told Gary to try to find him today so he can interview him.
Robin said that she was reading an article about a movie producer who had passed away and how they said in the article that the guy's long time companion was Jack Larson, the guy who played Jimmy Olson on the old Superman TV shows. Howard said that doesn't mean he was gay, it just means he was his companion. He said he'd like Gary to get him on the show as well.
Frank came in and said he's 57 years old and from Mississippi. He said he's been doing this for about 16 or 17 years now. He said his wife used to go around with him taking the pictures. His wife used to come with him when he was married.
Frank said that his son thought he was kind of crazy but his wife was fine with all of this. Howard went through some of the pictures and asked him how he got so close to some of those people. The guy told Howard about how he just asks for a quick snap shot with them and they usually let him do it. He doesn't bother them too much, he doesn't get into a whole conversation or anything.
Howard found one picture of him with Dr. Kervorkian, David Duke, Bill Clinton and others. The guy said that he just goes to events and hangs out until he can get a chance to take pictures with them. Howard said it's an impressive list of celebrities he's got. He's dressed in a suit and tie in the pictures so he looks like secret service or something.
Howard said there was one of him with Milli Vanilli and it looked like something from back stage or something. Frank said that it was back stage at the Joan Rivers show. He also had one of him with Madonna so Frank told Howard about how he got that one.
Howard looked through a bunch more of the pictures and asked him about how he got them. He even got one with John Gotti. Howard asked him about who was rude. Frank said that Bob Euker was really rude to him. He found that really odd. He also said that Frank Lewis was very rude but in the picture he looks like his best friend. He said that Randy Jackson also carried on quite a bit. He said that Jack Palance yelled at him about asking him for the picture.
Frank said that he's trying to get a picture with Paul McCartney but it's been very tough to make that happen. He uses a beat up old camera so Howard asked him f he's afraid that it's not going to work when that special picture comes up. Frank said he's taken 6000 pictures and he's never had a problem with one not coming out.
Howard went through some of the other pictures that Frank had and asked him about a few more before he wrapped up with him.
Howard asked Amy if she'd like to be one of the girls for his book. She said that she could do that and she thinks that they could get Sandy Taylor to do it as well. Howard said that the book company thought that it would be cool to have regular chicks in there instead but he'll keep it in mind.
Amy told Howard to come and see her at the Chicken House this week. Howard said that he's been to see her at these clubs and she takes Polaroid pictures with the fans for like $20 each. Her mother takes the pictures while the guys hold her leg up. He said that about 300 guys per show will go up and do that with her.
Howard said she does a bunch of shows a day and she must bring in a bunch of money. She said that she did one show after being on Howard's show and it was the best day she'd done. Howard said the guys will stand there and wait for the pictures, then she takes her robe off for the guys in each picture. She's all oiled up from the oil show she does and the guys get to hold her leg.
Robin ruined it when she asked Amy how the baby is doing. Howard told her not to bring that up, he didn't want to hear about a baby. He wrapped up with her a short time later and was about to hang up on her but got sidetracked and talked about how he fantasizes about her. He said he's thought about having her at his house out by the pool and swimming nude and stuff like that. He talked about what he'd do to her and how he'd like to go for an hour or so doing stuff he doesn't usually do. Then he'd have to marry her because that's the kind of guy he is.
Howard and Robin asked Amy who she's seeing but she said she's not talking about that stuff on the air. She admitted she has a man but she's not going to talk about it on the air. It turns out it was the father of her child that she was back with.
Howard told Amy she could be in the book and let her go a short time later. He said she's so hot and like a volcano ready to erupt. He figures that she can't possibly smell bad at all. He said that he'd do to her what they did in that porno movie that he was talking about earlier.
Howard said that there's a new group out to get them called The Anti Stern Group. He read some of their letter that they're sending out to people trying to get him off the air and to stop his movie from being made.
Howard read an article about a guy who had been robbed of his ''Butt Bongo Fiesta'' video tape. That was all that was stolen from him and they only valued it at $130. Howard said that was an insult to value it so low.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they went too easy on Ted Nugent last week because the guy has goofed on Howard in the past. Howard said that he didn't have a problem with Ted and ended up hanging up on the guy.
Howard asked Mr. T about the fork and spoon around his neck again and Mr. T talked about how he's having a plate made up as well. Robin wondered if the stuff was solid gold or hollow. Mr. T let Howard feel the weight of it and Howard said it felt like it was solid to him.
Howard talked to Mr. T about a white lady he had with him today. Mr. T told him that was his wife but he was just saying that to get Howard off his back since last time he was on he wouldn't let it go. Howard had the woman come in and asked her if traveling around with Mr. T has brought her closer to him and if her husband has gotten jealous at all. She said that he actually loves Mr. T.
Howard said he wonders if Mr. T is hung big or not. Mr. T wasn't going to answer that. He said he knew that Howard was going to go there and all he wanted to do was promote his comic book. Howard talked to Mr. T about some guys like Jesse Jackson who T was defending. T was going nuts yelling about stuff constantly so Howard said he had to go to break. Then he asked Mr. T to translate some stuff that they had Jesse Jackson saying since he claimed that he could understand anything the guy said. They played a quick clip of a homeless guy mumbling something as a joke.
Howard asked Mr. T if he's ever killed anyone. Mr. T said that some guys robbed her in the projects at one point so he took care of them. He said that he wasn't going to say he killed anyone but no one ever saw those guys again. Howard tried to find out what he did to the guys but all Mr. T would say is that he tortured them.
Howard got back to the Jesse Jackson discussion and asked Mr. T about that again. T was rambling on and on and yelling about everything. Howard tried asking T about his real name, Larry, and if his mother calls him that. T got all freaked out about that and said it was disrespectful to call him that name. Robin asked him if he's legally changed his name to Mr. T or if that's just like a rap name. Mr. T didn't give a straight answer though. He just went on and on talking about how it's a sign of respect to call him by the name he uses. He went on and on about that for a few minutes.
Howard asked Mr. T how many times a day he goes to the bathroom. T went nuts again and said it's funny how the white man just wants to know how the black man works. Howard figured he must have a hard time wiping with all of that jewelry on him. T wasn't getting into that stuff though. He said he likes controversial guys like Howard but he's not going to talk about that.
Howard got to Mr. T's book since he was running out of time. T said he knew that was going to happen and that's the only reason he was there today. Howard went on to ask Mr. T about his some other stuff and he was yelling about everything so Howard cut his microphone off. He could still hear him though.
Howard gave Mr. T some plugs for his new comic book and spent a minute on that. T said that he's not a super hero in the comic book, he's just himself and does what he does in real life. Howard asked Mr. T if he hated George Peppard when he worked with him on The A-Team. Mr. T said he loved everyone on that show.
Howard asked Mr. T if he ever masturbates but T said he just reads the bible instead of doing that. Howard asked him if he ever does anything like that to himself but he wasn't answering the questions. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to T about his two daughters. Howard seemed surprised when he found out he's got two kids. Howard eventually wrapped up and gave Mr. T some plugs for his comic book and then went to break.
Howard went into his impression of Jackie and goofed on him about that story. He still thinks that Jackie may have had sex with a guy and he's just not willing to admit it or he just doesn't remember it. Gary said that it was possible that he was lit and there were some girls and some guys and the guy could have done something to him and he just let it happen.
Robin said that she was so taken by that movie that she was thinking about bringing in all of her tapes of his movies to have him sign them. She said she thinks that she'd have a hard time talking to him after seeing the movie because she did think so much of it.
Howard said he'd like to see movies like that but he doesn't want to go to a theater to see them. He asked Gary to see if he can get the movie company to send him a copy on tape so he can watch it at home. He said that he'd promise not to give it to anyone else if they did that.
Robin got back into her news and read through a few stories. Howard ended up talking about how he has to ''chub up'' before he's with a woman because he's so small in the pants. He said that he refuses to go swimming naked, even at his own house, because he's so self conscious about that. He said he'd be home swimming naked right then if he did have a big one. Robin read through a bunch more stories while they waited for Andrew Dice Clay to show up.
Howard asked Dice to put out the cigarette but Dice gave him a hard time about that. Howard asked Kenny about picking up Dice late. Dice cut him off and told Howard that he ruins his timing when he asks him to put out his cigarette.
Howard said he was writing about Dice for his new book. He told Dice that he was writing about something that happened on the show one time. Howard figured that Kenny loves Dice. Kenny let him know that he really does. Dice then yelled at him asking where his coffee was. Kenny told him that Fafa Fooey is getting it.
Howard let Dice get in a plug for his pay-per-view event called ''The Undisputed Comedy King'' which is the first pay-per-view event for a stand-up comic according to Dice. That led to Dice talking about the comedy shows he does and how sick he is of people yelling out his old act like they want him to do that stuff. He said if he did do the old material, they'd get pissed and ask him why he's not doing new stuff. He can't win.
Howard asked Dice where he's doing his press conference today. Dice didn't want to say where it was because he didn't need more people showing up. Dice got his coffee around that time. Kathy brought it in for him.
Howard was asking Club Soda Kenny if he was coming down with Dice to the E! show shoot. Kenny wasn't sure. Howard told him that he should come down and ask him a question down there. Howard also wanted to see what kind of shape Dice was in so he asked him to take his shirt off. Dice didn't want to do that but he did show him his shirt.
Howard asked Dice how his TV show is going. Dice said that he hates ABC how and they jerked him around with that whole thing. Howard asked Kenny if he's married. Kenny said that he has a wife and two wonderful children. He was trying to joke about how he was separated from the wife but Dice corrected him and told him not to tell jokes.
Kenny ended up posing for Robin when they asked him to show off his body. Howard said that his breasts were bigger than Robin's were. He also said that he's got more brains in his boobs than in his head.
Howard had Robin get back to her news and had Dice and Kenny sit in and hang out while she finished up. Dice spent a minute going off on Bill Cosby during the news after Robin brought him up in a story. He said that Bill hates any comic who uses the word ''damn'' in their act.
Howard asked Dice about his movie and how that seems to have ruined his movie career. Dice said that they did screw him over in the press about that movie. Dice thinks that it's because he's a Jew that they went after him. He's been blackballed and can't get a movie now. Dice said that Damon Wayans wants to put him in a movie but the movie company doesn't want him in it.
Robin read through some more stories and Howard asked Dice about something that had come up but he was busy reading about himself in the paper so he had no idea what it was about. Dice lit up another cigarette so Howard asked him why he has to do that. Dice said that he does smoke all the time and he loves it. He wondered what the problem was. He said just because Howard gave up smoking doesn't mean he has to give it up. He thinks that he could give it up if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to. He said he could probably do his act without the cigarette but he doesn't want to.
Howard asked Kenny if he smokes. Kenny said that Dice actually got him started. He lit one up, took a puff and said ''Ohh, that's refreshing.'' Howard asked him to put it out but Dice told him to leave it lit. They went back and forth on that for a minute before Kenny put it out. Howard had Robin get back into her news a short time later.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Dice about this pay-per-view show he's doing. They also talked about Dice's wife. Kenny said that she's beautiful and he's seen her almost undressed. He claimed that he didn't look at her as if he wants her though. Kenny said he was very embarrassed talking about this stuff. Kenny said that's the mother of Dice's children so he can't go there.
Howard asked Dice if he's going to have more kids. Dice said if he does, he does. He said when he goes in for the bang, he doesn't think about wether or not he's going to have more kids. He just goes in there and gets the job done.
Dice said that the great thing about this special he's doing is that it's live. He can say and do anything he wants. He said he can't wait to get it done, he's like a time bomb. Dice was also going off Jay Leno for not letting him on his show. He said that he'd like to clear up whatever problems he's got with him by going on and talking to him. He said that Carson wasn't like that, he would have let him on the show if he was still hosting it.
Dice got in a few more plugs for his special and Howard said he's probably gotten in more plugs than anyone else in the history of the show.
Gary came running in and told Howard that they're still number one in the New York City ratings with an 8.1 rating. Howard said that's good news. Robin ran out of her booth around that time so Howard wondered what happened to her. Gary said that she ran off to the bathroom last night when they were out at the movie because she had to doot. She came running back in a few seconds later and said that she was just looking up some information.
Howard thanked Dice and Club Soda Kenny for coming in. He said he had to get out of there for a meeting so he had to wrap up with them. Dice said they were in the middle of an interview and Howard was running out of there. Howard told him he had to get to that meeting and ended the show a short time later. The show was done by about 9:25am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard asked Dice's father about what he does for him. He's his personal manager but Dice said that he's really the only guy he listens to in the business. Howard asked the guy if he ever thought that Dice was just a dummy like his own father did. Dice's father said that he was a good kid. Howard played some examples of his father yelling at him when he was a little kid to show just what his father thought of him as a kid.
Howard told Dice that he's looking really good now and not letting himself fall apart. Dice told Howard that Duff from Guns N Roses beat up Sam Kinison recently. Howard said he didn't know that and now Sam is going to think that he's goofing on him if he talks about this. Dice went on to tell the story about what Duff told him about beating Sam up. Dice said that duff told him that Sam was choking Slash to death and Duff had to step in and do something about it.
Dice said that Duff was held down by Sam's body guard but he was able to get in a punch to his head. Howard said that he doesn't know if this story is true or not. Dice said this is what he heard. He went on to say that Duff ripped off the dirty rag from Sam's head at one point. Sam was going to have him arrested but they dropped the charges after the cops showed up.
Howard said that he's friends with both Sam and Dice and he's not going to say anything bad about Sam. Dice said he thinks that Sam is a very talented guy and he's not saying anything bad, he's just telling the story. He said it's a shame what happened to the guy.
Howard said that there's a story about Jane Wiedland in the paper today. She was there to talk about it so Howard had her come in a short time later. Dice asked Jane if she knows who he is. She said she didn't and she wasn't familiar with him at all. Jane was sitting there in a bra according to Dice. He said that she can't possibly have a problem with him if she's sitting there in a bra.
Howard asked Jane to talk about what she did the day before. Jane said that they went to a fashion show for fur coats and when the show started they all ripped off their clothes and went up on stage with signs that said they'd rather go naked than wear fur.
Dice was asking Jane where she lives and what she's doing now. She said she lives out in Agora, California and she's just been taking her clothes off a lot lately. She told Dice that he was being kind of antagonistic today. Dice told her that's what he does to make millions.
Howard had Robin get to some news. As she was reading through some of that Dice was joking around and Jane interrupted him. He went off on her for interrupting him and complained about how dumb she is. He said her man must be a real idiot. He was just joking around though. Howard wrapped up a short time later and ended the show.
Today's show was over by about 9:45am.
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