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Jon explained what they had included in the show and then started it off with Howard talking about what the Beatles meant to him. Howard talked about how the Beatles influenced him to question authority. After talking about that they went into Howard singing ''Blackbird'' in the studio.
In the old segment Howard talked about sending John out to do the interview and what happened to him after he asked the questions. Howard explained how it was supposed to be carried on their station but they did some odd things where they cut it off and didn't play the question and answer segment. He asked John if Ringo answered the question ''What did you do with the money?'' with a ''What money?'' John said he did so Howard talked about how he and Jackie were slapping each other five when they heard that.
Howard played the audio of John asking his questions and getting glib answers from Ringo. Howard got to the money question and let out some ''Ooos and Ahhhs'' when he heard it. He said it was the worst day ever for Ringo. He told John he's got balls asking a question like that... Then he replayed it. Howard then laughed his ass off when he heard the question for the second time. John also asked ''Was it easy writing 'It Don't Come Easy'?'' John said that it sounded like Scott had edited his stutter to make it worse. Howard said they did edit it a little bit but not all that much. He played the unedited audio and it was still quite a stutter.
In the bit Jackie's impression could be heard all sped up and sounding nothing like Yoko. The bit was about John Lennon meeting Yoko.
In the clip Howard tries to find out if it's really Julian on the phone. He got some right answers and figured that it was really Julian. Julian wanted to be a judge on the 1994 New Year's Rotten Eve special that Howard was doing. Julian used to be friends with Sam Kinison so they talked about missing Sam because they were pretty close.
Howard talked to Julian about Yoko not giving him any money from his father. Julian said she still hasn't given him any. He said it might be a good thing that she hasn't given him any because it could have killed him if he did have a lot of money. Julian talked about his dealings with Yoko and Howard tried to tell him that he could have a trust fund if Yoko didn't want to just hand over all of the money right away. He said that it's ridiculous that Julian doesn't get any money because it seems like John didn't love his first son when that couldn't possibly be true.
Julian said that he's spoken to Sean Lennon and even he thinks that he's not being treated right. Howard said that he's been wise to that Yoko for years and she's no generous person. He said that she's as phony as an oriental red head. Someone kept picking up the phone there where Julian was staying so he had to ask them to stop picking up. Howard got back into it and talked more about the Yoko thing and how she's treating the Beatles and the name of his father. He wrapped up with him a short time later.
Howard took one call from a woman who was trying to ask him a question instead. He took another call from a woman who had a question for the guys who were there. She asked her question about Paul McCartney walking across the street bare foot on one of his album covers. The guy in the studio answered the question satisfactorily so Howard moved on to some more calls. Howard took a few more calls and let people ask their questions. The Beatles experts were able to answer the questions no problem. Howard was very hyper as he was talking to everyone on the phones and trying to make the bit more exciting. Howard took a call from Roz the traffic copter girl. She brought the segment to a grinding halt with one of her questions.
Mystery Guest Ringo Starr. 6/17/98. 8:25am
Big surprise guest for the show this morning. Ringo Starr came in as a Mystery Guest. Howard and the gang blindfold themselves and try to guess who the guest is by asking questions. It didn't take Howard long to figure out who it was. After about 4 or 5 questions or so Howard asked if the guest was a former member of The Beatles. Ringo confirmed it and that was that. Of course Ringo wouldn't just come by for no reason. He was promoting his new album Vertical Man. Howard spent a good 40 minutes or so talking with Ringo and it went very well. Ringo answered all of Howard's questions and seemed to have a good time. He spoke about his life as a Beatle and his drug use, stuff like that. Howard has goofed on him in the past and Stuttering John even asked him some offensive questions years ago. You may remember John asking Ringo ''What did you do with the money?'' Ringo says ''What money?'' and John comes back with ''The money your mother gave you for singing lessons!''. That may be one of Stuttering John's most famous questions. That didn't come up during the interview today though. Before Ringo left Howard told him that The Beatles really meant a lot to him when he was growing up. He was thrilled that Ringo was there. Jackie said that he got chills when he found out that Ringo was there.
In the segment we heard Howard talking to Gilbert Gottfried about May Pang and goofing on May about how she's known for screwing John Lennon and nothing else. Howard had May on the phone and talked to her about her times with John Lennon and her dealings with Yoko Ono. Gilbert also met May one time so he talked about how he had gone up to her and called her a gook and some other names. Gilbert continued to goof on her making fun of her as Howard was trying to interview her.
We heard Howard talking about the time he called into Rock Line one time to talk to Yoko Ono. Fred also talked about that call because he was with Howard at his apartment the time they did it. They went into that clip a short time later. Howard was putting on a goofy voice and trying to stay on the line as long as possible.
After the talk up, they played the segment where Howard goofed on Yoko when she gave her speech at an Earth Day event and started it off with ''People of Earth, how are you?'' That led to Howard going off on her and goofing on her about being a home wrecker and breaking up The Beatles. He said she had nice thoughts but this was just Yoko. He goofed on her for selling Beatles merchandise.
Howard had a woman in the studio to play a Lesbian Dial-a-Date during that segment but he was having trouble getting past the minute of silence they were supposed to be listening to. He ended up goofing on Scott Muni since he was hosting the special.
The next segment was one where Howard interviewed this guy Omer Travers who had broken into Yoko Ono's apartment just a few days before they interviewed him. Howard asked for Gary to bring the guy in but it took him a little too long. Howard said he figured it was taking so long because Omer was sneaking into their general manager's office. The guy came in a short time later so Howard spent a few minutes asking him about breaking into the apartment. Omer said that he did it because he's just a crazy rocker who does crazy things. He apologized to Sean just in case he did scare him since he's such a young child.
Omer was going to perform something for the guys but he was acting very odd so Howard was whispering into the microphone to Robin about how strange he was acting. Omer said he was going to play a song but he wasn't sure which one he was going to perform. He eventually played a song and Howard was playing along like he liked it but they were saying that he might want to break into Bellvue next.
Howard Talks To Sean Lennon. 5/3/02. 9:40am
Howard knows this guy Hunter who lives out in Los Angeles. Somehow he gets to hang out with celebrities all the time. This morning Hunter called in and said he was at Sean Lennon's house hanging out. Sean and his girlfriend Bijou were both there. Howard wanted to talk to Sean so Hunter spent a few minutes trying to get him on the phone. After 5 minutes or so he finally got on the phone. Howard then interviewed Sean for a few minutes. The main problem Howard had was Sean cursing over and over again even after Howard asked him to stop. He kept saying the F-word over and over. Howard wanted to talk to Sean about his great life but Sean told him it's not all that Howard thinks it is. He told Howard that his perception of his life is all wrong. He said his mother Yoko isn't as controlling as Howard thinks she is. Sean also said that Howard is wrong about Julian not getting any of his father's inheritance too. Sean said he thinks that Julian will get more of the money than he will eventually.
Howard kept saying that Sean doesn't have to really work for anything in his life because his mother has Beatles money and she'll pay the bills. He said that he's trying to get his music career going so he can make his own money.
Sean and Howard got into an argument about the FCC rules about cursing on the air. Sean said he thought Howard was a rebel and he curses on the show more. Howard had to explain to him that there are rules and he has to obey them because he has to make a living doing what he does. Robin told Sean that's the difference between the two of them. Howard has to work for his money so he has to obey rules. Sean refused to listen to them and continued to curse which showed how he doesn't seem to care about following rules.
Howard said that he saw Sean at a party one time and neither of them went up to each other. Sean thought that Howard didn't like him because he goofs on his music. Howard told him just because he doesn't like his music doesn't mean that he doesn't like him as a person. Both of them said that they could hang out with each other if they meet somewhere sometime. Howard told Sean that he shouldn't be afraid to come up to him at a party. Sean told Howard he could hang with him out in L.A. next time he's there. Howard had to take a break because he'd gone so long talking to Sean. Plus, Sean was still cursing and he couldn't let that go on much longer.
Paul McCartney Comes In. 10/18/01. 8:40am
The Beatles' Paul McCartney came in this morning to talk to Howard about many things and to promote his new single ''Lover to a Friend'' which comes out on October 29th.
The excitement in the studio was very high when Paul showed up. You could hear it in both Howard and Robin's voices that they were thrilled to have Paul there.
Paul told Howard that he has heard and seen his show on occasion. He said he'd listen in his car once in a while. His limo driver actually told him not to do Howard's show because he's so nasty but Paul decided to give it a try anyway.
Howard said that Paul must be one of the most loving guys in the world because he stayed with Linda so long. Howard seems to think that Paul could have had his choice of any woman but he stayed with Linda for 30 years. He claims that he was with her almost every day of his life from the time they were married until Linda died. The longest period he stayed away was when he was arrested in Japan for marijuana possession. He spent a short time telling Howard about that experience and how he thought he was going to be serving 7 years hard labor over there. Paul also told Howard he got his ''rock star'' lifestyle out of his system before he met Linda so he was ready to settle down with her. He also said everything was different with her when he met her.
Howard also questioned Paul about Yoko Ono and how she actually met him before she met John Lennon. Then she claimed that she didn't even know who the Beatles were. Paul said he couldn't say too much about Yoko because he could get in trouble with her. He did tell his side of the story though and it sounds like Yoko knew exactly who the Beatles were before she met John. Paul said that life's too short to worry about stuff like that though.
Howard asked Paul why he wasn't involved in the John Lennon Tribute that took place a few weeks ago. Paul said he had other things to do and he also thought it would be a little weird for him to be there singing the songs. Howard also brought up how Julian Lennon wasn't invited to the tribute. Once again Paul didn't want to get into that whole discussion in public.
Howard asked Paul what he thought about the rumor that their manager gave John Lennon oral sex at one point. Paul said that his theory was that it never happened. Paul said that whenever he saw John, whether he was sober or not, he was always with a woman.
Howard brought up Paul's current fiancé Heather and asked if his kids are still upset that he's going to get married. Paul said they've come around recently and they're not upset about the marriage. Howard seemed to think that the kids would be upset about losing their inheritance to their stepmother but Paul said he told them that won't happen. Paul also told Howard how he has tried to raise his kids like normal kids. He sent them to public schools so they'd grow up without being spoiled rich kids. He wanted them to experience real people so they'd respect them like he had to do. Paul told Howard that 15 months after Linda died he met Heather and he felt guilty that he was going with another woman. He said he walked around alone and asked Linda to give him a sign if it was okay to be going out with this other woman. He said he heard an owl hoot and he took that as a yes.
Michael Jackson's name also came up. Michael owns the publishing rights to the Beatles songs. Paul said he used to have a good relationship with Michael until he got the publishing rights. After that Paul said he wrote to Michael asking him for a raise on his royalties but he doesn't ever get an answer so he doesn't have much of a relationship with him anymore. He finds the whole situation ironic. Paul does own a lot of publishing rights to a lot of songs. He said he got advice from his father-in-law when he got married to Linda. He suggested that Paul invest his money in a music publishing company and that's what he ended up doing. It took all of the money he had at the time but it's paid off in the long run. Paul said it was very risky but he lucked out.
Howard has heard over the years that Paul would sometimes play drums instead of Ringo on some of their songs. Paul said that sometimes that would happen and no one else in the band would hold it against him. He said he'd sometimes play some of George Harrison's guitar parts too if he thought it would help the song. He said the other guys were cool with it.
Howard heard that Paul disliked Elvis' cover of ''Yesterday'' so he asked him about that. Paul said that he doesn't hate any of the cover versions of their songs. He said that the Elvis cover was funny because he screwed up the lyrics at one point. Howard played him a few clips from the cover songs from Ella Fitzgerald, Bing Crosby and William Shatner. They all got a few laughs out of the songs.
Howard plugged Paul's new album ''Driving Rain'' which comes out November 13th. He also played the new single that Paul has coming out called ''Lover to a Friend.'' The proceeds from the song will go to the families of the police and fire department employees who were lost in the September 11th tragedy. Paul said that he was sitting in an airplane on the runway getting ready to fly back to England when the tragedy happened. He could actually see the smoke from the World Trade Center out the window of the plane. He's also playing a concert this Saturday that will also go to help those lost in the tragedy. Howard took a few phone calls including one from Vinnie Favale who was upset he wasn't allowed in the studio today. Howard told Vinnie earlier in the show that he ruined the Ringo Starr interview recently so he didn't want him doing the same to Paul's interview. Vinnie asked Paul a couple of questions and Howard cut him off. After the phone calls Howard let Paul go and took a break.
After the break Howard said that he was almost speechless when Paul walked in the studio. Gary said he was watching it on the monitor and it was a big deal when he came in. Howard said the McCartney interview will be airing on E! next week, Monday and Tuesday, October 22 and 23 at 11pm.
Cynthia Lennon Comes In. 2/8/01. 8:35am
Artist Cynthia Lennon came in to promote an appearance she's making tomorrow at the Hard Rock Cafe in New York City at 11:30am. Cynthia was married to John Lennon before he married Yoko Ono. Her son is Julian Lennon. Howard pointed out that Julian didn't get any of John's money when he died. It all went to Yoko and Sean and he thinks that's wrong. He said that Julian has more talent than Sean and he was the first born so he should have gotten some of the money. Cynthia told Howard that they have worked out some of that. Yoko gave Julian some money but not the $20 million that Yoko claims. Howard said that Yoko is a witch for not giving up some of that money for the guy. His father never visited him when he was a kid and she could give in and give the guy some of the $500 million she inherited.
Howard asked Cynthia if she ever thought about why John left her for a not so good looking woman. Cynthia said she thought about that a few times but she had to move on.
Cynthia told Howard how she met John when she was 18 and he was 17. They met in art school and it was love at first sight... ''more or less'' she added. Howard asked her if they had sex right away. Once again she said ''more or less'' trying to avoid answering the question directly. She said it was too early in the morning to be answering questions like that.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Cynthia before wrapping up. A caller told Cynthia that he knows what it must be like for Julian to have a wicked step-mother because he was raised the same way. He also said that Julian is far superior than whats-his-name (Sean). Cynthia sounded happy to hear things like that. Another caller was a Yoko impersonator. Howard played along with the scam for a minute but when she started listening to herself on the radio he had to hang up.
Cynthia told Howard she's now living in Normandy, France just enjoying the peace and tranquility of the area. She said she has a very nice life now. She's still doing drawings of John so she hasn't gotten over him yet. You can see her work at CynthiaLennon.co.uk
Beatles Drummer Ringo Starr Comes In. 8/1/01. 8:40am
Beatles drummer Ringo Starr came in to promote his latest CD ''Anthology So Far.'' Howard spoke to him about living in Monte Carlo and how great his life is right now. Ringo said he lives in an apartment in Monte Carlo because people leave him alone and the tax situation there is very good. There are no taxes for him. He said he can go out and shop without worrying about people coming up and bothering him. Howard wondered how rich Ringo really is. Ringo said ''I'm so rich I'm doing this show...'' He said that because he didn't get the publishing money that Paul McCartney and John Lennon did, he only gets about half the amount of money that Paul does. They still see each other once in a while to talk about releasing Beatles albums and stuff like that. He also has to sit with Yoko Ono since she's got control of John Lennon's part of the whole deal. Howard tried to get Ringo to bad mouth Yoko but he kept his mouth shut. Howard spent a bit of time talking to Ringo about all of the Beatles money and how everyone has been treated. Howard also asked Ringo about the recent story in the news where George Harrison said that he was dying from cancer and he was fine with it. Ringo said that the story wasn't meant for the public to see and any conversation he had with George Martin should have been kept quiet. Ringo also said that Martin had a lot to do with the Beatles success but he should have kept the story to himself.
During the interview Ringo just wanted to get some plugs in for his album but Vinnie Favale kept asking dumb questions and inserting his own answers like he knew more than Ringo knows about himself. Ringo actually said he doesn't hate anyone but he was quickly learning how to the more Vinnie spoke.
Howard brought in another big fan of The Beatles, Andre. Andre is the guy who hits the delay button on Howard when he says something that might be considered ''dirty'' by the FCC. Howard was going to have a trivia contest between them but after a couple of questions Ringo was done with it. He just came in to promote his album and that's all he wanted to do. Howard kicked Andre out of the studio and wrapped up the interview a short time later. You can find out more about Ringo and his tour at RingoTour.com
Next up was an interview Howard did with Pete Best. Howard said he didn't remember doing the interview as they were going into the clip. In the segment Howard talked to Pete about getting booted out of the Beatles and how horrible that must have been. Pete said he quit show business in 1968 because of that. Howard asked him to stop by The Ritz to play with them when they made an appearance there. Howard demonstrated his own drumming skills to Pete shortly after that.
Howard asked Pete what happened with the band and why he was kicked out. Pete said that George Martin wasn't happy with his drumming at the time. He said he got kicked out and then Ringo was brought in. Howard told him that Ringo was no good and he couldn't believe he got booted out.
Howard talked to Pete about not staying in touch with the guys in the band and how he's never had the pleasure of meeting Yoko Ono. Howard also talked to Pete about his music and the death of John Lennon. Howard didn't want to go there but Robin had him talk about it anyway. Pete said that he thought he was a great person even though he didn't hear from him after he was kicked out of the band.
Pete talked about living with John Lennon for a couple of years when they were in the band together. He said that they all went their separate ways eventually. Howard asked him who was the ''biggest'' guy in the band. Pete said that they were all pretty equally endowed. Howard figured that John was pretty average from what he saw in a picture one time. Howard asked him if anyone was circumsized in the band. Pete said as far as he knew none of them were. Howard played a clip of a demo tape from The Beatles where Pete was playing drums as he was wrapping up the interview.
In the segment Howard and Robin talked about Mike Douglas and his interviews with John and Yoko. Howard played some clips of Mike talking to John and Yoko and singing a song with them. Howard and Robin listened and goofed on Mike a little bit. Howard said Yoko just had to jam there with John even though she had nothing to add to the song.
Howard also brought up a performance that John Lennon did with Chuck Berry where Yoko threw in her odd yelling into the song for no apparent reason. Howard played some audio of that performance but it turned out it was the wrong audio, it was her own song that they were listening to. Howard said that Yoko is like Tom Arnold is to Roseanne. Howard said that Mike Douglas would go right up to her and congratulate her on what she had just done. Robin said she could sing better than her. The audience went nuts when they heard her though.
Howard played the audio of Yoko ruining John Lennon's performance with Chuck Berry after that. She came in with her screeching odd noises in the middle of the song.
In the segment we hear Howard talking to Billy Preston about how they had Entertainment Tonight there to interview him because this was breaking news. Billy said he didn't have a lot to say about his arrest, he just wanted to make a statement and that was it. Billy claimed that he was looking for some day laborers to work for him and the cops claim that he was found smoking crack. Billy said that's not true and it was a total misunderstanding. Billy said he has to go to court over all of this and figure it out from there. He said it's all one big misunderstanding though. Howard said he'd go with that if he were him too.
Howard had the Entertainment Tonight producer come in so she could get some information from Billy as well. She was kind of nervous coming in but that didn't stop Howard from asking her a bunch of questions about her life before letting her get in her questions for Billy. Howard asked her if she had slept with John Tesh, ''AKA Lurch'' yet. She said that she hadn't.
Howard continued to question Billy about what happened to get him arrested and helped Susan out and also asked her if he could sit on Billy's lap so they couldn't cut him out of the interview somehow. Howard ended up having some fun talking about her nipples showing through her shirt and goofing on her a little bit about that. Howard was just about begging to get featured in that segment somehow. The producer, Susan, said that they would mention the show somehow. To be sure of that Howard went over to Billy and sat as close to him as possible so there was no way they could miss it.
Susan asked Billy what was going on and he said that he really couldn't comment on it very much because he was going to have to go to court over it. He claimed that he was innocent though. Howard backed him up on that and said that he has to be innocent.
After the interview Howard said goodbye to the E.T. crew and asked Susan if she was wearing panties as she was leaving. She wasn't answering those questions so Howard let her go and got back to Billy. He went to break a short time later.
After that segment they played The Fab Faux's performance of ''A Day in the Life'' to wrap up the very long show, which ended around 1:15pm.
Howard talked about the Stern Spotlight shows and how they have a bunch more of them planned for the next few years. He talked about how Jackie had been with the show for 18 years and he was a huge part of the show all that time. Howard said he's forever in Jackie's debt because of that and he really does love the guy.
Jackie said that he didn't think of himself as the class clown until many years later when he saw himself on in an 8th grade picture giving the finger. He also said that he remembered telling jokes when he was in his band playing songs and things like that as well. He talked about being in a band with 2 other guys and they ended up kicking him out and going off to start their own band. He said he got together with some more guys and started the Off Hour Rockers and went around performing all over the place. He would tell jokes on stage during those shows. He then started telling dirty jokes and started making more and more money doing comedy like that. Then he started making albums.
We heard some of Jackie's first album telling the same type of Jokes we know him for. Jackie said he had 3 comedy albums by 1982 and then he got a call from someone telling him to look up Howard Stern because he'd probably love him. He sent Howard his albums so he could hear them.
We heard from Howard who remembered the day he and Fred heard Jackie for the first time and how they were going to have him on the show as a guest. That led into a ''Stump the Comedian'' segment from WNBC where Howard played Stump the Comedian with a phone caller. A caller asked ''What do you get when you bring a plane load of cereal to Poland?'' Jackie said ''Breakfast'' but the caller said it was supposed to be ''You can make a fortune selling them as donut seeds.''
Another caller asked another joke and Jackie didn't know that one either. Howard took some more phone calls and let a few more people play. He went through a few phone callers and tried to find some non-racist and clean jokes to tell on the station. One woman called in and said she couldn't stay on too long because she had been on hold for 14 minutes. She asked for an album but Howard wasn't going to give it to her, he demanded an album from her since they knew her joke. Howard demanded an album from another woman right after that when they knew her answer. The next caller lost too so he was asked to send in an album and offered to send in Michael Jackson's Thriller album.
Howard got Roz the traffic copter chick on the phone and asked her why the NBC Chopper crashed. She didn't even want to answer that one so he told her that it Heinz, the chopper pilot, turned off the fan because it got too chilly. Then Roz told a joke and waited for Jackie to give the punch line.
Howard had the engineer time them to see how many jokes they could answer in 60 seconds. Howard then took more phone calls and asked the callers to tell some jokes. Howard took a couple of calls and ran through a bunch of jokes. They then took a break and came back with Looney Skip Rooney and Mark Spiegle with Jackie still in there. He gave Jackie some plugs for the gigs he had coming up. Jackie was goofing around talking about ''Werewolf Jack'' which led to Howard talking about what a dopey name Wolfman Jack was. Then they talked about Cousin Brucie and the ''Eee'' sound he was known for. Howard spent a short time talking to the engineer about that and then played a clip of Cousin Brucie sending them a message about why he wasn't going to be on the show.
Jackie told some more of his jokes and Howard took some phone calls after that. Howard had one guy on the line who was telling a bunch of mother jokes. He and Jackie worked together to come back with some sister jokes. The guy's jokes were so lame that Howard and Jackie demanded an album from him.
Jackie said that he did Politically Correct one night and Bill gave him a great plug for his album so he thanked him for that. Then he learned that he had given Bill Maher a ride home the first night he did a comedy show. That led to Jackie talking about driving home one night with Eddie Murphy in the car and the muffler kept falling off as they were driving home.
Jackie talked about the history of the Stump the Comedians segment and how he used to bring in other guys to work with him on the Stern Show and he'd have to convince them to do it for free just to get some exposure. He said he would do it for plugs which meant a lot to him. He said that he used to plug his joke line, which is still going today at 516-922-WINE, but eventually moved on to plugs for his shows. He said that he was really bad on the show and didn't really have any good ad-libbed lines. He talked about how he was doing the Match Game and how he finally came up with a funny response to the ''blank A Doodle Doo'' line. He said he was playing the part of Michael Jackson and came up with ''No women... a dude'll due.''
We heard some of the Match Game show from WNBC where Howard played the game with a few people including Jackie playing the part of Ann Landers. Jackie was slurring his speech trying to do an impression of her. Howard also had Boy Lee and someone playing the part of Lou Ferrigno in the game. Jackie was laughing his ass off when he heard that impression. Robin played the part of Brett Summers. Howard took a call and let the first spaced out caller play the game.
Howard asked the caller some questions about his job and things like that. He told him he could win some Beach Boy tickets if he won. No one was excited about that. Howard figured that he could book them for the show since they were playing weddings those days. Jackie got a laugh out of that. Howard took some more phone calls trying to find more contestants. He found a woman who wanted to play so he asked her some questions and found out that she almost did some lesbian stuff in her life. That led to Jackie doing his Ann Landers impression some more and giving that woman some advice.
Howard got back to the Match Game and picked up the woman he had on the phone. She told him what she was wearing and then got right into the game. The first game was ''Eager blank'' The woman on the phone said ''Beaver'' so Howard went around the room and asked the guys what they had. Everyone had Beaver and showed their ''beavers'' to Howard. Jackie, as Ann Landers, said he scratched his beaver off but then wrote it down again. The woman on the phone heard she had ''three beavers'' so she said ''keep 'em coming!'' which got a laugh out of Jackie. The woman on the phone had a lot of little jokes herself about how she could ''eat it up'' when she heard she had six beavers. Howard put her on hold after she got a little too into the beaver discussions.
Howard moved on to the second caller and talked to him a short time and then got into the game. The next match the guy had to get was ''blank Cabin.'' The caller said ''log'' before they got into the game so Howard asked him not to blurt out his answer. Howard then asked everyone for their answers which were all ''log'' jokes. They all joked about their logs and big logs, giant logs and things like that. Howard gave away the Beach Boy tickets as a consolation prize but this caller said he'd rather have tickets to Howard's show instead.
Fred said that he had to give Jackie some credit for making note passing a regular feature of the show. Fred said he would pass some notes himself but didn't elevate it the way Jackie did. Benjy said that he wasn't even that aware of what Jackie did on the show when he started out. He said that's what he does on the show himself now. Mike Gange pointed out that Jackie would always laugh at his own jokes the hardest if he heard them on the show. Gange said Jackie always had a very quick mind and you have to be able to do that very quickly.
Jackie talked about how he bought himself a stack of paper and started writing the jokes in big sharpie lettering. Bob Levy said you could almost hear the paper being passed and the jokes coming as Howard was reading them. Billy West said a few words about Jackie's jokes and how he thinks he was a genius with some of the jokes he'd write for him.
Artie said that Jackie wrote jokes constantly all morning long and it was pretty amazing. He seemed to invent that type of writing for the show. Jackie said he remembers passing one note to Howard way back when they actually had Coca Cola as a sponsor. They used to do the show late in the afternoons and Al Rosenberg would come on as Lou Ferrigno. He said Howard did this commercial for Coca Cola where he said the word ''snacks'' so he wrote a joke for Al to read as Lou Ferrigno which said ''Snatch?'' and was underlined 3 times. He said the joke worked very well and had people laughing their asses off. He said they had a lot of fun doing stuff like that over the years. He said he'd write jokes about himself that he'd pass along to Howard and people still think that Howard came up with those insults himself.
After hearing all of that we heard an old Mama Lookaboobooday bit from the WNBC days. Howard went into his character who was supposed to be calling in from the traffic copter. He gave the traffic and ended up yelling at a chick he brought up into the copter with him.
Howard and Robin were talking about some news stories and Howard went into his Ted Kennedy impression. He was doing both Joan and Ted talking to each other. He threw in a bunch of ''Era'' comments as he was talking as Ted. Jackie let out a few laughs during that segment so he must have been throwing in some one liners to Howard. After doing that Howard talked about how he had turned down a movie role the day before because there weren't enough lines in it. He said he gets offered awful roles in movies and talked about some of the roles he's turned down. He said he wants something beefier than what he's been offered. He got back into the Ted Kennedy thing right after that and continued to goof on him and Joan for quite a while. He brought up a lot of details about the Kennedy family. He killed a good 15-20 minutes doing those impressions. He had Joan break down and cry after Ted was goofing on her. Then he had a couple of jokes about their son that Jackie was laughing hardest at.
After that bit we heard a segment where Howard contacted Elvis from the dead. Robin asked Elvis about the rumor that he had slept with his mother until he was 16 years old. Elvis talked about that and how he loved that lump on the back of his mama's neck. He said it would give him something to hang on to while he was humping the back of her neck. He talked about taking her from behind and remembered the good ol' days with her. He said that his grandma broke his heart when she only let him get to third base. Howard came out of the trance a short time later and talked to Robin about all of the crazy stuff that Elvis was talking about.
In another bit we heard Billy West doing his Jackie Puppet impression and goofing on Jackie. Howard was talking about a puppet special he was putting together for the E! network. He wanted to have puppets made for everyone so they could do it. Billy was going crazy telling jokes and goofing on Jackie. Howard played along with him and got him all riled up telling jokes. They went to a break after that.
That talk up led into an old clip from when Dice called in to yell at Jackie. Howard talked to Dice about having avoided the show for a while. Dice said he had some changes going on in his life so he had to go away for a little while. Dice said he had to drop his attitude and name to get his TV show going. That didn't work out so now he's back. He and Howard spent a little time talking about the changes and what happened to the TV show.
Dice talked about the time he had to walk off the show. Dice eventually started going off on Jackie for some comments he made about him. He went off on Jackie for a short time. He gave him some advice on what he does on the show and who he should be goofing on. Dice also talked more about the crap he had to put up with over there on his TV show and how they had him saying ''Freakin'' in the show and he hates that word.
Dice was about to get off the phone until Jackie said something to him which set him off. Dice then went off on Jackie about making CDs in his basement and saying that his wife is getting better gigs than Jackie is these days.
After that Dice bit we heard another one where Dice was live via satellite. He and Jackie got right into it about a minute after he got on. Jackie was bragging that he was on the biggest radio show around and all he had to do to get on the air was to open his mouth while Dice can't just do that. Dice went off on Jackie not letting him get in a word talking over him. Dice said he heard that Jackie was a pedophile and that he was working at McDonalds as a second job. Jackie tried to go off on him but Dice kept talking over him. The two of them went back and forth with each of them saying that they were the better comedian.
Dice said he thought Jackie was better this time than he was the last time he called in. He wanted Jackie to be the featured act in his concert if he wanted. Jackie said that he would love that and he should contact his manager to negotiate the contract. Jackie said he would like to do the gig but he's really not sure if he can or not. The arguing continued for a few minutes after that. Dice had a guy with him from some club who was trying to get in a word but Jackie wouldn't let him. He kept asking the guy who he was and wouldn't let him speak.
Gary came in after the arguing was over and said that the faxes were about 3-1 in favor of Jackie. Howard read through some of the faxes and they were mostly in favor of Jackie but there were some people who were against him. He went to break after that.
After that segment we heard one of Jackie's songs where he sings about smoking pot and having his dick out.
That led into an old clip from the show where the guys were goofing on Jackie about having his toe nails pulled out by the doctor he found in the Penny Saver. Howard was calling him ''trailer trash'' because of the things he does like that. He said that Jackie's toe nails were rotting away and he didn't even know it. Robin said that Jackie's wife found the Penny Saver and showed him the picture of the toe nails in there that were all nasty and said his looked just like that.
Gary said that nail problem was diagnosed as ''20 nail syndrome'' by the doctor he went to. Jackie said that his nails got really sharp and he was always stabbing his wife. He said he was still stabbing her even after having them removed though. Jackie never got a second opinion according to Howard. He said he just got all of his toe nails yanked out. Howard said he would never go to a doctor he found in the Penny Saver. Robin said she only goes to that to find a guy to pound a nail into her wall. She said that's the only thing she'd look for there but she's never actually done that.
Gary was talking about how gross Jackie's toes were but Jackie told him how gross it was seeing him get his caps done. Gary said at least his caps grew back but then Jackie shot back saying that he can cover his up with shoes. They wanted to check out his feet but Jackie didn't want to show them what they looked like. He eventually showed them and the guys said that they looked like they had nails on them. Jackie said there was no nail, it was just hardened skin.
Howard and the guys were all goofing on Jackie about his toes and how gross he is. They said that most people would get a referral for another doctor instead of just going right ahead and having his nails removed. Howard said he thinks that the guy may have done the right thing by removing them though.
In another clip Jackie was showing the guys his toe nails and asking Howard to feel them. Howard got a good laugh when he saw them. Howard refused to touch them but Robin went in and did it saying that she was going to wash her hands right after. She felt them and said they felt like rough skin.
They played another clip where Howard talked about the time Jackie used Stuttering John's roommate's toothbrush the night he stayed over at their apartment. Howard had this guy Mike on the phone to talk about it and said he thinks that Jackie did the same thing once before. John came in and said he saw Jackie doing it this morning and Jackie finally admitted that he did. Howard said that it's so disgusting that he'd never even use his own wife's toothbrush. Jackie said he washed it off like that was going to make things better.
Jackie said that these guys were the only ones he's met who have never used someone else's toothbrush in their life. Howard said he had never done that and so did most of the guys in the studio. John was laughing his ass off as they were talking about that. Mike said that he thinks Jackie did it at their old apartment too and can't believe it. That got Billy West going and doing his Jackie Puppet impression as if he were brushing his teeth.
Howard said that he won't even let his toothbrush lay flat on any surface because he doesn't want the part that goes in his mouth getting germs on it. He can't stand it when a toothbrush lays on a counter. He knows that's a phobia of his but that's the way he is. He told Jackie he's not supposed to use someone's toothbrush and wondered if he understood that it was wrong. Jackie said he'd never do it again but didn't say that he agreed that it was wrong. Jackie said his wife yells at him for using hers, now he just doesn't tell her he does.
In another clip from the same day Howard said they were all talking about Jackie's line that he draws for disgusting things. Howard said that he was reading an article about how the toothbrushes are disgusting all the time and there are some people who suggest that you replace them every week. He said he wouldn't go that far but they are kind of gross and someone else using yours is just wrong. Robin said that Jackie was asking if anyone there had ever used a girl's toothbrush after staying over at her place at night. No one had except for Jackie.
In another clip Howard was talking about going to the bathroom and having Jackie in there. He said Jackie took a crap and made some comment about it after the disgusting sound that came out of him. He said Jackie was out filling up again within minutes of leaving the bathroom. Jackie wore his finger cots into the bathroom and didn't wash or replace them when he came out. He said he didn't wash his hands because he had the finger cots on. That led to Howard and Robin goofing on Jackie about his finger cots and why he wears them. He claims that he wears them because the paper he uses dries out his finger tips.
Jackie said that he'll outlive Howard as disgusting as he might be and he'll live just to piss on his grave. Fred said that Jackie will then not wash his hands. Howard kept asking Jackie about his fingers and how they were dirty if he had finger cots on or not. Howard thought it was funny that Jackie said that he'd killed a bug after taking that dump in the bathroom.
A caller said that he saw Jackie in the bathroom at a club he went to. He said that Jackie didn't bother even closing the door there at the club and didn't mind when someone walked in. Fred played a bunch of Jackie sounds as they were talking about that stuff.
They played another clip where Howard talked about how Jackie had told them that he has grey pubic hair now. Howard said that has to be the worst thing in the world to have gray pubes. He said that he saw a picture from the internet where a couple of old people were screwing and they had gray pubic hair and it was disgusting to him. He said he thinks he's shave his down if it ever went gray like that. He asked to see Jackie's but Jackie wasn't in the mood to show him. That led to the guys talking about if they thought their parents had gray hair.
Stuttering John said that he's got black hair down below and the hair on his head doesn't match. Howard said he's only got about 3 or 4 gray hairs on his head and none down below. Jackie said that he didn't really even notice the hair down there because he's blonde. He asked Jackie to show him again but Jackie didn't want to do it even though he's shown Howard his penis before. Howard figured that he was just embarrassed by his gray hair so that's why he wasn't showing it. The guys talked about all of the other times they've seen Jackie's penis and how odd it was that he wasn't going to show his hair today.
After that bit we heard Artie talking about his favorite things about Jackie. He said he remembers Howard taking a call one time and a caller trying to fuck with Jackie. He said there were certain things that he couldn't be fucked with over. He said the caller told Howard about how Jackie would stick his ass out a window and crap as they were driving along. Jackie admitted to doing it and told Howard that it was called a ''harvest moon'' like it was no big deal.
After hearing that story they played the bit that Artie was talking about where this guy Mike calls in to talk about Jackie crapping out the window of a moving van. Mike told the story about how they were driving along and Jackie just pulled down his pants, stuck his ass out the window and then crapped. Then Mike didn't believe he had actually done it so Jackie wiped his ass on the windshield to prove it. Mike said Jackie is a beautiful person but he can be pretty disgusting.
After that short talk up we heard an old clip where Howard was talking about how Jackie was going to be walking off the show if his negotiations didn't go well. He talked to Robin about it and then Gary came in to talk about the discussions he'd had with Jackie about that. He sounded very down about it. He said there was a big buzz about it around the office. They were going to call Jackie to talk to him about leaving the show after taking a break. Howard tried to call him a short time later but had no luck getting through on one line. He tried a second phone number and finally got his wife Nancy on the line. She said that Jackie had to do what he had to do because he thought he deserved more money.
Howard read a note from Jackie where he was talking about why he deserves more money since they're doing much better since the last negotiation. They spent a short time talking to Nancy before Howard was going to let her go. She ended up telling them that she's been on some commercials lately and asked if they had seen then. No one had so she told them to keep an eye out for them. Howard told her goodbye and said it was nice knowing them. He said she's a nice woman but she tends to mislead Jackie when it comes to stuff like that. He said goodbye to Jackie and said he'd miss him.
After that bit we heard another one where Jackie was about to go into negotiations once again. Jackie was ignoring Tom out in the hall the other day when he asked him when he wanted to come in and talk about money. Jackie said he knows Tom is going to offer him less than last time so he wasn't in any rush. Howard said that he knows that Jackie is going to walk out and he's not going to be able to save him this time. Howard told Jackie that he's going to blow it again and he won't be able to save him and he's not going to try. Howard said he had to go in and beg them to keep him around because he likes him so much. Howard goofed on Jackie about the negotiations and how he always pulls this stuff. He said that Jackie was in a bad mood today because of that stuff.
That led into the audio clip where the guys talked about the doll being delivered. Howard said he spoke to Tom about having sex with the doll on the air and Tom forbid him from having sex with it. Jackie was in the dark over in his corner because of the E! camera being shut off due to his latest contract negotiations. The guys talked about Jackie and his constant negotiations with them over there.
After that clip they fast forwarded into the segment when the doll was brought into the studio and revealed. The crate was huge according to Howard. He explained how the guy who runs the company gave them one for free even though they sell for $5000. They talked about their plans for the doll and how they were going to have three guys screw it. Howard, Jackie and Fred were all supposed to do it but Jackie's wife had a problem with that.
Howard had Gary open up the box which was supposed to have the doll in it. When Gary opened it up Howard said it was the sickest thing he'd ever seen. Then Gary asked ''now what?'' so Howard told him to pull her out of there. Then the woman woke up and scared the crap out of Howard. Gary told Howard that it was Jackie's idea to pull the trick on Howard. They started to bring in the doll but Howard said he had to recover from that scare first. He spent a few minutes talking to the woman who was in the box. She was trying to catch her breath. Jackie laughed after Howard talked about how freaked out he was by the whole thing. Fred said he thought it looked odd and got kind of drawn in until he saw her move.
After another fast forward we heard another clip. This one was Jackie making an appearance on a show where he was asked to perform a song. Howard played the song and started picking it apart immediately. He was asking Jackie about the lyrics and trying to figure out what he was talking about. Jackie told him to just play the song. Howard played it line by line and picked it apart line after line. He and Robin were still trying to figure out what he was talking about. They went through that for a few minutes before wrapping up and going to break.
That all led into an old clip from the show where Howard was talking about the animation they were doing for the E! show. He joked that he had hired Jackie's company to do it because they came so cheap. That led to the guys talking about how Jackie actually does have an animation company now. Howard said that Jackie's wife Nancy had started a graphic design company and she's now too busy to manage Jackie. Jackie had a new manager, Rory Rosegarden who was going to take over for her.
Howard asked Jackie what company name they were using for that one. Jackie said it's called Spinning Plates. That got Howard goofing on Jackie but Jackie said he'd love to fight him on that but he wasn't able to. He just let Howard and the guys go on that subject. Howard asked him why she had to start another company and not just do it out of the house like she's done with the rest of her jobs. Jackie said it's just the way they wanted to do things. He said that they also have Off Hour Rockers which is their production company. That's the big umbrella that has all of these other offshoots like the Spinning Plates thing.
Howard asked Jackie why Spinning Plates was really created. Jackie said she's creating all of the graphics for everything that they're doing. The guys were all goofing on Jackie about all of that stuff and not letting up. Jackie tried explaining it all and tried to defend Nancy. She called in a short time later and told them to get a life already. Howard said that she should get a life, she's busy just doing Jackie's albums.
Nancy said she had some other projects going and didn't know why this was such a big deal that she started the company. Howard still didn't get it and said he found it funny that she had to start a company to do something she's been doing all along. He figured that she wanted her own bank account or something separate from Jackie's. She said that they're both 50 percent owners in each other's companies. They were throwing around the names of her band, her company, Jackie's company, it was all very confusing. Howard said that they're like the Kramdens there with all of their wacky business ideas.
Robin asked how much time Jackie spends with her Spinning Plates thing. She said he spends no time at all and she doesn't seem to care about that. Howard let Nancy go and wrapped up that discussion. Nancy invited her over to go swimming but Howard said that they should come over to his place. He said that he'd like to see Nancy in a bathing suit.
After that segment we heard another one where Howard talked about going to see a movie with Jackie the day before. Howard said that Jackie was laughing his ass off through the movie and Howard figured he was going so crazy because it was a free movie for him. They goofed on him about that and how he was like a laugh track for the whole movie. That led to Howard talking about how he and Robin had gone to see ''Natural Born Killers'' and Jackie and his wife walked in right after he got there. They had food and drinks there before the screening so that was kind of cool. He said Jackie walked in and gave him a ''Hey, what are you doing here?'' That's the kind of greeting he got. Then he saw Jackie disappear to the food section and he came out with a tiny plate with a turkey leg on it. He was having a party there with his wife and he was sitting there watching him eat. He said all he could think about was the time Jackie's wife filled a toilet with a crap so big he had to cut it up with an axe. Jackie said that Richard Jeni actually cut it up and it was one of the funniest things he'd ever seen. He said it was like a bridge across the water.
Jackie said that Richard Jeni had never seen anything like that in his life. Neither of them could believe that came out of Nancy. Howard said he always looks before he flushes, especially if he has something like that going on.
After talking about all of that they played the segment where Jackie made that apology to Nancy and got goofed on by Howard and the guys. Jackie did the apology first thing on the show that morning. Jackie said he would never do anything stupid like that again and then asked Howard not to make a mockery of it. Howard then made a mockery of it. Later in the show he read some faxes from the fans who went off on him and told him to get some balls.
The guys goofed on Jackie about that apology time after time. They replayed the apology over and over again and had Billy West doing his Jackie impression and doing the apology. Billy went into his Jackie voice really low and toned down as he was goofing on him. Howard had Fred playing the apology line by line and had Billy doing his impression after he'd hear each line.
In another clip Howard talked about Jackie's wife's album being snuck on to Gary's desk. He said that her band The Scoldees had sent it over with their manager Robert Findley who was once an intern there on the show. Howard read the notes about the band and goofed on Nancy about that. He was going to play some of their music but Jackie didn't think she wanted it played. Howard had to hear it though so he was going to play it anyway. He did play some of it.
Nancy called in to talk about the band a little bit as well. Howard said he thinks that Jackie doesn't want her spending all of his money but he's afraid to say anything to her. He pointed out that Jackie gets up and goes to work every morning while she can get up whenever she wants. Nancy said she owns her own business so she can pick the 18 hours a day she wants to work. Howard said there's no pressure on her though. He said there is pressure on Jackie.
Nancy claimed she works just as hard as Howard does. Howard said there's no way she does because she has no pressure. Nancy said she has tons of pressure to get out catalogs and things like that for Christmas. Howard said that if the catalog didn't come out, it wouldn't be detrimental to their bottom line. She thinks that she has more of a pressure filled job than Jackie does. Howard said that he makes money so he has a lot of pressure to perform. Nancy said she runs the business though so she is running Jackie's company for him. Howard said that if she went off to run a company for someone, she'd probably be making $15 an hour. She said that she could probably manage a large company if she had to.
Howard wanted to figure out how much money she was making and how much she could make on the open market but she didn't want to go there. A phone caller asked Howard to get her off the air because she's annoying and he can't stand her. The caller said that she would just be another yenta sitting at home doing nothing if it wasn't for Howard. A few more callers told Jackie to get rid of the wife because he's throwing money down the toilet with her.
Howard wrapped up with Nancy and asked her what she had planned today. She started to tell him what she was going to do but didn't want to get into it. A few more callers got through and asked some questions. One guy said that Nancy makes her mother do everything for the company, she doesn't do it herself. Howard got a laugh out of that and said he has to shoot a documentary about their lives. He talked to Jackie about that stuff for a little longer and told him that he's a dope and goofed on him until he snapped and let out the F-word. Howard wrapped up that segment a short time later.
After that we heard even more show clips from old shows where the guys goofed on Jackie about his cheapness. Howard went off on Jackie for plugging stuff every time he goes on vacation somewhere. The two of them argued about that for a while. That went on for a while with Howard lecturing Jackie on why he isn't supposed to plug stuff on the show the way he does. Jackie's wife called in to straighten things out so Howard picked up and went off on her for a little while. She was going off on Howard for blowing things out of proportion. Jackie said that it was coming to an end and she was just making it worse.
They fast forwarded through some more show and Howard got back to talking about Jackie and all of the stuff they had just gone over earlier. That lasted for a couple of minutes before they played some other clips.
In another clip the guys were talking about going to Joan Rivers' wedding and how much they should give her as a gift. They went through that discussion and also talked about Jackie asking if he had a job after taking a week off.
They also played some clips where Howard talked to Jackie about working on the movie set of ''Private Parts.'' Jackie talked about the way things went for him over there and how great it was. Howard also brought up how Jackie walked away from the movie set with a bunch of free food. They went over that for a few minutes.
Jackie talked about how he hated being called a moocher because he really wasn't one. He said that was just Howard's way of goofing on him.
Nancy talked about the next bit of goofing they had coming up. She explained the gift she had purchased for his daughters birthday and Howard wasn't happy with the gift so he went off on Jackie for not having his wife get the right type of gift. Nancy said it was one of the best arguments she'd ever had with Howard. She said that it was very cute and she thought Howard was all about the money even though he denied it.
After Nancy's explanation/excuse we heard the original segment where Howard went off on Jackie about the gifts they had given his new born daughter. One gift was baby blue, which is usually for a boy. They also gave them some polyester clothes which is wrong for a baby, it's supposed to be cotton.
In another clip where Howard talked more about Jackie's gift after talking about how Senator D'Amato had sent a good gift. Nancy called in later to defend her gift. The two of them went at it over that for a while.
A little bit of an update on the special. It ran for over 13 1/2 hours, until after 7:30pm today. I'd love to be able to cover as much of this Stern Show stuff as possible, but 13.5 hours in one day is about 8 hours too many. I can't even listen to the radio for that many hours straight, never mind type it up. After my initial meltdown at 2:15pm, I did try tuning in and listening later on in the day and I was thrilled to hear them replay my ''F-Timmy'' phone call while they were playing some segments where Jackie's dead cat Timmy was discussed. It snapped me out of my misery for today.
The first clip was where the Jackie Puppet is brought in for the first time by the creator. Everyone is very impressed by the puppet when the guy brings it in for the first time. He even came with a little bong and a can of beer. The creator demonstrated how they can pump up the puppet so it gains weight like the real Jackie. Howard got a hold of him and played with him a little bit. He started doing his Jackie impression and goofed on Jackie about his constant negotiations and things like that.
Howard said that Billy West was going to have to play the part of the puppet when he came in. He talked to the guy who created the puppet, Tom Andersakes, and his wife for a few minutes. They showed off all of the stuff that they had put into the puppet. Howard said it really looked like Jackie too. He aids it's going to be great to have both the Gary and the Jackie Puppets in there and on the TV show. Tom said he's done a lot of three dimensional designs for TV networks and things like that. Howard said he might have to have Tom and his wife over to his house so he can see Amy in a bathing suit.
Howard told Tom that he has a beautiful wife and he's doing very well. Gary said that his friends must hang with him just to be around his wife. Robin said that's probably the reason Gary has friends around him then. Howard wrapped up with Tom and Amy and said that they'll be able to do Jackie impressions 24 hours a day now.
In another clip we heard Howard talking to this woman Amy about how she was looking to find another woman to get into some lesbian stuff. He said that she basically idolizes him and he thinks that's kind of cool. Howard was talking to her about how hot she was and then asked her about losing her virginity at 14 and then about her previous experience with a woman. He wanted her to go change into a different outfit but didn't want her to leave the studio. He had Gary bring in her change of clothes. Then Howard held up a sign to block the cameras while she changed. He got to peek himself and said he likes her tiny little chest. He told her it was cute and kept watching as she changed.
Billy West had come in during that segment and started doing his Jackie Puppet impression. He was going wild for the girl. He joked about how he doesn't normally think about rape. Howard asked him to be quiet because it wasn't going to be erotic if he kept talking. Billy kept going with the puppet throwing in jokes throughout the interview. At one point he said he was ''sweating splinters.'' Howard continued to interview the woman about her lesbian experience and got as many details as possible from her. Billy kept interrupting and telling jokes as Howard was trying to get through the sexy stuff.
Jackie Puppet was demanding that Amy take off her clothes. Howard had her pretending that the puppet was her date and asked her to make out with it. She wouldn't do it though. Howard let her off the hook and got back into the interview. Billy continued to do his Jackie impression even though his microphone was turned down. He just kept yelling out stuff as Howard was trying to find out more about this lesbian experience.
After that bit was over they played another one where Richard Lewis came in and asked to be insulted by the puppet. Billy West went right into his impression and goofed on Richard about being a has-been and things like that. Howard gave Richard some plugs and things like that but Billy was relentless with his puppet goofing. Howard let Richard go but as he was walking out he was asking the puppet to insult him some more. Richard came back in and continued to let the puppet goof on him.
After that segment they played one where Patti Davis Reagan came in to promote her book. She was trying to talk to Howard but the Jackie Puppet was interrupting her. That got Billy talking even more as the Jackie Puppet. Patti told more of her story but Jackie Puppet kept interrupting when he'd hear something funny. Howard continued to interview Patti but Jackie Puppet would interrupt every couple of minutes. Howard said that Patti had some really big nipples in this video he saw of her. He said he was diggin' that. Howard gave her a plug for the video she had out and said she should send it to her mother to drive her over the edge. Patti didn't want to do that though. Jackie Puppet tried joking around but Patti was yelling at him to shut up. Billy stayed quiet for a short time until they were about to go to break, then he came to life again. He asked her to take off her clothes and box him with her taint as they were about to break. Then he asked Patti ''Do you like wood...peckers?'' and a couple of other joke lines like that.
After a commercial break fast forward Howard got back to Patti and the Jackie Puppet started in with her once again. Howard played some audio from a video that Patti did and Jackie Puppet was interrupting that and goofing on Patti some more. Patti started insulting the real Jackie even though the puppet was the one insulting her. Howard said that she predicted that might happen. Howard wrapped up with Patti a short time later. Jackie Puppet continued to goof on her even as Howard was ending the interview. Howard ended up talking to her a little longer about her parents and tried to get her to call her mom on the air. He wrapped up and then asked to feel her ass which she let him do. Jackie Puppet continued to joke about her.
After that segment we heard another one where Howard was talking to a caller about Kato Kaelin. That led to them talking about Jackie and how he does these comedy shows and sells all of his crap after the show. Howard goofed on him about that and that eventually led to Gary coming in and talking about the many things he sells. Howard asked Jackie about the sales and got all of the details about how he goes about setting up and selling all of that stuff he has at the end of his show. Billy West came in sometime in the middle of the discussion and started doing his Jackie Puppet impression. Howard said Jackie comes off as some type of hippie but no hippie takes $20 from his audience. Everyone was piling on top of Jackie and goofing on him about selling that stuff. Billy West was doing his Jackie Puppet making all kinds of Jackie noises and cracking one liners. Howard said that he gets exhausted after dealing with that puppet.
After that segment we heard another one where Howard was talking about how his contract renewal was coming up. He said he really didn't know what he was going to do when that came up. He said he and Jackie were both talking about retiring and going out on the road to sell stuff at comedy clubs. They spent a couple of minutes on that.
In another segment we heard Billy West doing his Marge Schott impression and singing along to Jackie's ''Cold Gold'' song. They finally took a break after that.
That discussion led into the playing of the audio from the show where Jackie did the Stanley Cup thing. Howard had Claude Lemieux coming in with the cup and during the interview they took the cup to the bathroom and had Jackie pretend that he crapped in it. Here's some of what I wrote up during a replay of this same segment a couple of months ago...
We heard Howard talking about how they were bringing the cup in and how people pose with the cup doing strange things. Howard suggested that they have Jackie make a doody in it. Claude Lemieux was going to be bringing it in. Tom Chiusano came in and said that the cup isn't going to get any larger like Gary was saying it would. They were actually going to start taking off old teams from the cup.
Howard asked Fred what he was going to do with the cup. He wasn't sure but Howard told him to make sure he did it before Jackie did his thing. After an edit in the show we heard Howard introducing Claude Lemieux who brought the Stanley Cup in with him. Howard said the cup was huge when he brought it in. Howard asked Claude if he listens to the show. He said he does and he couldn't believe what he was hearing the first time he heard it. Howard wondered if he heard the word penis when he tuned in the first time. Claude said he did so Howard threw out a few penis and vagina references just in case someone was just tuning in.
Howard said that no one expected the NJ Devils to win that year. They talked about that and how there weren't many fans coming out to see them. Howard told him about what they wanted Jackie to do to the cup. Claude said they had to bring the cup to the Regis and Kathie Lee show after this show so that might not work. Howard told him to just go for it and let him do it. Claude said maybe they could do that during a commercial break.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Claude about his life and talked to him about his divorce. Claude talked about some of the crazy things they've done over the years playing hockey. Howard also talked about how he wanted to have Claude go to Scores with them and have a big Stanley Cup party there.
Howard got back to the Stanley Cup and asked him what they could do to it. Claude said that he doesn't know what's been done to that thing before he got it. Howard told him that they got a call asking how they were going to get the cup to the station this morning. The people handling it weren't even looking for a ride for Claude, they were looking for a ride for the cup.
Howard thought it would be funny if Jackie went to the bathroom in the cup. He told Jackie to just get up and go in it while Claude was there. Jackie got up and took the cup into the bathroom with him. He said he was really going to go to the bathroom in it. Claude didn't try to stop him either. He said that he hopes that Regis and Kathie Lee aren't listening. Howard asked Robin if she was attracted to Claude. She said that he was a very good looking man. She wouldn't say that she wanted to date him though.
Howard said that Jackie was really out there with the Stanley Cup. He heard that Tom Chiusano was standing out there next to the cup posing with it. Howard told Claude that Tom is the dumbest guy he knows. Howard called Tom in there and also had Jackie come back in. Jackie had really crapped in the cup according to Howard. Robin thought it was just chocolate. Howard told Gary to take it and go clean it up. Howard had taken a taste of it so it obviously wasn't real crap. Howard wrapped up with Claude a short time later.
In a later clip Howard talked about how the Stanley Cup ended up in a cab heading over to Regis and Kathie Lee's show. They had about 9 guys hanging out taking care of the cup and they were all upset that they had crapped in it. They were afraid to bring it in before they came up there. He said that they assured them that it would be okay. Howard showed some faxes they got about the whole thing and people were drawing pictures of him squatting over the cup and stuff like that.
Gary talked about how Jackie had run past the guys who were there taking care of the cup. Gary said that if Jackie really did crap in the cup, he'd be fired. He knew that they weren't really going to crap in it. Gary said he and the other guys were cleaning the cup out and those guys were poking their heads in checking it out.
That discussion led into the segment where the guys talked about Stuttering John's wedding and Jackie passing out there. Here's an excerpt from my archives about this discussion:
7/14/97. 7:40am. Stuttering John got married during the show vacation and there were plenty of stories to tell today. Robin made a surprising visit to the wedding but she only stayed for about 2 hours. Howard was a no-show. John lost his wedding ring when he went into the water like a dope. The biggest stories had to do with Jackie and his wife Nancy. They both got plastered and ended up doing all kinds of weird stuff. Jackie was performing some of his songs with the band that was playing at the wedding. He just kept going and going even after John asked him to stop. John said that Jackie brought the wedding to a halt with his performance. He was even doing some dirty material in front of young kids and talking about how John's kid was an accident. That was just the beginning though. Stuttering John had to ask Gary to go up and get Jackie off the stage, or whatever he was performing on. About 20 minutes later Jackie came up to Gary and said ''...it was time to get off wasn't it?'' Then later in the evening Jackie got changed into his ''stupid'' pants which are those balloon pants that weight lifters always wear. But he got changed in the middle of a room and he stripped right down to no clothes at all! After that when everyone was watching the Tyson fight Jackie was falling asleep in a hallway. At one point someone was coming out of the bathroom and they kept banging into something. It turned out to be Jackie's head! Nancy had to pull Jackie away from the door to stop the banging. Howard even heard that Jackie's snoring was so loud that people had to leave.
In the first clip we heard Howard talking about how Jackie was going to read some excerpts from Robin's book ''Quivers A Life.'' Jackie read from chapter 6 where Robin talks about not having too many dates in her life. Jackie then broke into his Robin voice and started reading the book. He was cracking himself up doing the impression. Howard was laughing quite a bit at the impression as well. He really wanted to read some more but he also needed to give it a bit of a build up to do it correctly. The guys told Jackie to go for it. He read an excerpt from the book where Robin talked about losing her virginity. Howard told him he did a nice job when he was done. Jackie said that there was a party in every paragraph of that book. Stuttering John came in and said that people were calling in saying they loved the reading and that he should stop putting out his comedy CDs and put out his readings instead. Jackie said he was thinking about putting the readings on his phone line.
In another segment we heard Howard talking about the soundtrack album for his movie and how he was talking to the record company guy about it and he was told they could get some hardly known bands to play on the album. While they were talking about that Robin started goofing on Jackie doing her impression of him. A woman called in and said that Robin is very mean when she does that and she should stop picking on Jackie.
After that short segment we heard another one where Jackie was upset that Robin wasn't talking to him. He wasn't happy being at work with someone who doesn't talk to him. It turned out that Robin was still upset for Jackie having left the show during his contract negotiations. He does that every time he negotiates and she doesn't like it. They discussed their problems for a little while.
After that segment we heard Gary talking about how Jackie and Robin often butted heads in the studio, more often than anyone else. We also heard from Robin about the subject and why she dislikes Jackie as far as him fucking with the show during his negotiations. Gary said that Robin would stop talking to Jackie when he walked off the show during his negotiations. Gary believes that Robin still loved him even though she would stop talking to him like that.
After that we heard Howard talking about Jackie returning to the show and now having a manager by the name of Rory Rosegarden. Robin and Jackie Puppet goofed on him for a few minutes about that.
After a quick fast forward we heard Howard talking about Jackie's new manager and how he's going to be working to get Jackie more work. Jackie Puppet was goofing on Jackie relentlessly. He was doing all of his Jackie laughs and things like that. Howard talked to Jackie about what the new manager does for him and how he's handling the day to day business dealings. Howard let it drop when he asked Robin to get back to her news.
In another clip we heard Howard talking about hearing from someone who got a box of Jackie's crap recently. Jackie said he's always sent that stuff out and they're never going to get him to stop sending it out. Robin told a story about someone she knew who got that box of crap as a gift for helping them book a vacation trip for Jackie and his wife. Stuttering John said he went to his singing coach's place one day and saw Jackie's crap there too. He said it shows up in the most obscure places. Howard found all of that very amusing and goofed on Jackie for giving that stuff out.
In another clip Robin asked Jackie what kind of dream he had about her. Jackie said that Robin had come up to him and put her arm around him the day before and then he had sex with his wife and that led to a dream about Robin. He said it wasn't all dirty though, it was very warm and loving. He said he did bang her in the dream and she took all of him in her. Howard said that Robin was in his dream too and polished him off in about 2 seconds with her hand. Jackie said the Robin who was in his dream is a Robin that they don't know. She was very nice to him in it. He said she looked really, really good naked too.
In another segment we heard Howard saying that Jackie wanted to sing a song about Robin. She didn't want him to do it so Howard dropped it until later in the show. He brought it up again as Robin was starting her news and said that Jackie has never written something like that unsolicited so it was a first. Jackie went into the song which was to the tune of Frank Sinatra's ''My Way.'' The song went on and on. Howard said he had written pages and pages of lines for the song. He was talking over Jackie as he kept singing without stopping. Howard asked him to stop after a few minutes but he just kept singing. Howard eventually asked him to stop. Jackie said it only took him about 15 minutes to write the song because it just came right out of him. He said he had to go do a gig last night but he couldn't leave the hotel room because the song was bubbling out of him.
After that we heard a segment where Howard was talking about how they were going to go really huge that year and they were going to add new phone lines and everything. They were going to have to hire new people and they were going to change everything. Then he talked about Jackie and how he was going to be leaving the show and go out to punch up some scripts or something like that. He said Jackie thinks he's going to be an executive at a movie company or something. Robin wanted to look at the whole situation and didn't understand why Jackie would leave a job where he thinks he's not getting paid enough, to get paid nothing. Jackie wanted to swap paycheck's with Robin so Howard told him he'd have to swap for all of the money he makes including appearances and things like that. Jackie said that would still be fine with him. Robin still didn't get why he'd leave the show and all of that money behind. Ronnie the Limo Driver called in to talk about him but Jackie went off on him making fun of his job of ''steering.'' Howard spent some time talking to Jackie about all of that stuff and what he could do when he leaves the show.
After that we heard another clip where Howard talked to a caller about Jackie leaving the show. Howard said he's not going to go through that stuff anymore even though he believes that everyone on the show deserves a raise now and then. He said he just can't deal with Jackie's negotiations. He said that management there can't deal with him anymore either and the only reason Jackie is still there is because of him. He said that he's given up on that now and he might just feed Jackie to the wolves this time and let him go out on his own. Gary came in and brought up all of the crap that Jackie sells which led to Howard goofing on him about that and more about his nightmarish negotiations. Howard and Robin both goofed on him for a few minutes before they had to take a commercial break.
In the next segment we heard Howard talking about how Jackie had a wall built up around him because he's apparently in negotiations with the E! network. Howard said he was going to look into that for him.
A short time later they had another segment where Howard was talking about his own contract and how Jackie has always kept track of his contract for him because that's the kind of thing he does. That led to Billy West doing his Jackie Puppet voice goofing on Jackie who was sitting behind that wall being blocked from the cameras. Howard had Billy doing all of the many different laughs that Jackie has. Billy was going nuts doing the impression. He was stuck on the number 11 and kept using that in many of the jokes. Howard asked Billy to move the mouth when he was doing the impression because it didn't work if he didn't. Billy lost it and went even crazier with the puppet doing his laugh over and over again. Fred would play the audio clips of Jackie's laughs and Billy would do his impression of them in a dueling-Jackie-laugh kind of way. Howard said it would be great if they did a Twilight Zone type of show where the Jackie Puppet really comes to life. Fred played the Twilight Zone theme and Howard talked it up as if it was an episode. Howard said he knows how much energy Billy has to put into that puppet but Jackie is like that all day long.
After talking it up they went into the segment that they were talking about. Here's an excerpt from my write up from that day...
1/30/97. 8:40am. Rodney came in to do a simple plug for his new movie Meet Wally Sparks this morning. It turned into a bit more than that as time passed. At first Howard and Rodney just talked about the size of Rodney's penis and stuff like that. Howard thanked Rodney for being a friend and standing by the stuff he does. Rodney got a plug in for his movie and his web site where you can get an answering machine message from Rodney himself. Rodney also told his life story and how he became a comedian. He used to sell aluminum siding even when he was appearing on The Ed Sullivan Show. A little while after the interview Howard started talking to Jackie about his relationship with Rodney. Jackie and Rodney have known each other for quite a while. Gange found this out while doing the pre-interview. Rodney didn't have anything good to say about Jackie. Howard invited him back into the studio. It seems that Jackie borrowed some money from Rodney years ago and didn't pay it back, at least with cash. Jackie borrowed $1000 and paid Rodney back with ''jokes''. He wrote some material for Rodney to pay him back. I guess Rodney didn't think that was re-payment because when Jackie went back to him to borrow some more money he wouldn't lend it to him. This turned into the biggest story for the whole day. It lasted through the whole morning. Rodney wanted to let the whole thing go but Howard kept bringing it up with Jackie. Rodney came and went from the studio about three times this morning. The money that Jackie was borrowing was for pressing his second album... That would explain why he didn't pay it back. The third time Rodney came into the studio Jackie was ready to pay off his loan. He pulled out a check and filled it out for Rodney. Of course Rodney didn't take it. This story will haunt Jackie for years to come...
After the Rodney segment we heard another one where Howard talked about Jackie and the awful things he had on his face that day. Jackie was having problems with something peeling on his nose. Robin said it looked like he had two noses. Howard said he had gone out to this skiing event out in Colorado and he skied into a fence. Jackie said that he can ski and did pretty well against some of the other celebrities out there. They talked more about Jackie's nose and what may have been an infected zit. Howard said it's like it imploded or something. Jackie said the doctor told him it was probably just a zit that was infected but Howard said he could be dying.
Later in that same show Howard talked more about the thing on Jackie's nose and how it could be skin cancer. Jackie said it was a zit before it turned into what it was then. He showed the guys what happened when he skied into the fence at the ski event. Howard said when he saw Jackie come in that morning he thought he had AIDS. Stuttering john said it does kind of look like it could be AIDS from what he's seen. Jackie ended up goofing on both John and Robin about other things when he heard that. That led to the guys talking about Robin and how she had another problem with Jackie lately. She wouldn't say exactly what the issue was and kind of left Jackie hanging. Then Howard ended up getting into it with Jackie about his contract negotiations again. He just wanted to talk more about the thing on Jackie's nose though. They got back to that for a short time and talked more about what was on there and how Jackie had smashed it a few times. That led to the guys asking Howard if he had a nose job and Howard denying it. He joked that he had his face made bigger, not a nose job. Jackie said that he had to have had a nose job but Howard avoided saying anything and just goofed on Jackie more.
That's it for me today. Once again I don't know how long they're going to run this special but I really can't type up more. I have another job that I do in the afternoon and six hours is about all I can do today.
Update: This special ran until about 4:20pm this afternoon. Sorry I wasn't able to bring you the full 10 hours (TEN HOURS!) of coverage.
9/4/03. 6:40am. Robin said she had a problem while she was out running when she was on vacation. She said she got a little diarrhea while she was jogging in her bike shorts. She said she had run about 5 miles and was about 3 blocks from the hotel when she realized that she had a problem. She said she started walking really fast trying to get back and all of a sudden it just exploded. She said there weren't many people around because it was very early in the morning. She said there was no one on the street at the time but she ended up locking herself out of her room. She said the crap was running down her leg so she didn't want to run into anyone. She said her friend was in an adjoining room so she'd be able to get in. She said she saw a guy who was watering a plant with a hose as she got closer to the hotel. She asked to borrow the hose and hosed herself off out on the street. She said she watered herself down and got some of the mess off. There were still remnants coming down her leg and ending up on her white socks. She rushed back to the hotel and banged on her friend's room but she was in the shower. Her friend eventually came to the door so Robin told her to run and open her door and get out of there. Robin said she ran into the bathtub and showered herself off. She said she threw everything away after that. Howard said he didn't think he would have thought of using the hose like she did.
A listener called in and said he had a bout with diarrhea in high school but he was able to hold it in. He seemed to think that Robin should have been able to hold it in. Robin said she just wasn't able to do that though. Another woman called in and changed the subject. She said she thinks that Robin has a secret crush on Howard and that's why she doesn't like when he has someone like Beth around him. Howard told the woman that Robin called Mr. X Howard at one point during their company's Christmas party.
KC came in and told Robin that when someone goes jogging early in the morning and gets diarrhea, they call it Athlete's Ass. Howard told him to get out of the studio and went right to commercial break.
01/26/01. 8:55am. Who is smarter Beetlejuice or Gary the Retard? That's what Howard wanted to find out once and for all. He had both Gary the Retard and Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf come in to compete in an intelligence test today. What happened in this segment can't be described in words.. but I'll try.
Howard said Beetlejuice came in dressed as Erkle from ''Family Matters''. He was wearing glasses and tried to look smart. Howard plugged a party that Beetlejuice will be at tonight in Staten Island. He asked Beet where it would be and Beet said Manhattan. Beet was very intent on talking to Robin today. He kept looking at her and sweet talking her. He kept calling her honey and sweetheart through the whole segment.
Howard asked Beet when the last time he got laid was. Beet rambled in his usual way saying that he gets laid often.. but then he said the last time was in 1976. Then he said he was born in 1975.. So he was only 1 when he got laid?
Howard tried to talk to Gary the Retard but it was tough. He said that Gary has gained quite a bit of weight since they last saw him. Howard asked him how much he weighs now and he said 146 pounds. Beet had to do him one better so he said he weighs ''..147 dude!'' Howard also noticed that Gary's new teeth were missing. Gary says that he keeps them in his coat pocket because they hurt his mouth. Beet gave him some advice and told him to get braces to hold them in. Beet bragged that he has his own teeth.
Howard was ready to start the game when Gary said that he watches Jeopardy all the time. He also watches Hollywood Squares. Beet heard that and said that he can get 20 squares when he plays that on his computer. Always bragging..
Howard finally got to the questions and started with Beet. The first three are not a mistake. Howard asked the same question 3 times!
Howard plugged the Beetlejuice thing again and Beet continued to ramble on and on about nonsense as he usually does. Howard took some phone calls and people were saying that this was the funniest thing they've ever heard. One guy suggested they send Beet to Harvard to be studied.
Beetlejuice was talking about how he can beat the crap out of anyone who he doesn't like. Howard asked him how tall he is and he just went crazy. He said that he weighs 825 pounds.. up to 25 pounds.. Then 45 pounds. There's got to be some short circuits in his brain.
A guy called in pretending to be Beetlejuice's wife Katiejuice. (S)he started telling Beet that she was mad at him for not coming home and Beet seemed to think that it was really his wife. He told Katiejuice that he told her he'd be home in 2 weeks. It was very bizarre.
High Pitch Erik showed up because he'll be at the Beet party tonight. He was wearing a rainbow wig with his shirt off. Howard said he was ill just looking at him. Erik said that he and Beet do a thing together. Beetlejuice rides him like a horse. Beet got on his back, after walking out of the studio for a second, and hopped on. Howard was trying to wrap things up but it was tough. He told them to stop but then Beet started smacking Erik. Erik, in his Mickey Mouse voice, yelled at Beet to ''STOP IT!'' Beet told Erik that he was his bitch and told him to shut up. Howard then told Beet to feel up Erik. Erik told Beet that he's a faggot if he feels him up. Then Beet said he'd beat Erik up tonight. Erik said something about not being afraid of ''negros like you'' to him. Howard finally got them to stop and ended the fun.
You can find out more about the Beetlejuice party at JollyDwarf.com and Erik has a new site at HPErik.com
05/05/05. 9:00am. Howard had the guys bring in Beetlejuice (JollyDwarf.com). He was apparently in a foul mood this morning. He didn't like them talking about his diaper earlier in the morning. Gary came in and said that Beet was in a really bad mood and didn't want to come in. He had a really bad look on his face when he walked in. Howard tried to talk to the guy but he didn't have much to say. Howard asked Beet what was wrong. Beetlejuice said he didn't care about what anyone was saying about him. Howard figured he was upset about the whole diaper thing and the fact that Sal brought it up. Howard asked Sal to come in and apologize for that whole thing. Sal came in dressed like Beetlejuice. He apologized to Beetlejuice and said that he's a legend and a star and he will never bring up that diaper thing again. Beetlejuice said that he'll let him slide on that. Sal told Beetle that he was dressed up as ''Sal Juice'' or ''Prune Juice'' this morning.
Howard told Beetlejuice that if he's ever in a bad mood, he doesn't have to come in if he doesn't want. Sal asked him if his diaper was too tight. Beetlejuice said he wasn't wearing a diaper today after Howard asked him to show them if he was. Howard asked Beet if he enjoyed his trip to Hollywood with Sal and the guys. Beet didn't care about any of that stuff. He didn't know about the upcoming appearance he had today either. Howard asked Beetlejuice about this idea he has for the Wack Packers where they'd all go in a room and pick a leader just like the Catholic Church did for the Pope. The Wack Packers would be picking a ''Dope'' instead.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about this upcoming Beetle Bash fight he has coming up. Beet said it's all fake and he won't get hurt during it. He'll be at the John Street Grill today from 11 to 1 and then he'll be there again when he does the Beetle Bash thing on May 14th. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he thinks Beet was mad at the E! camera. He shut down when the camera came into the green room when he was talking to Bob Levy. Doug also said that Beet has hemorrhoids. Beet said he didn't have them and he was just joking around about it with Doug earlier.
Howard took a call from someone who had clips of Beetlejuice that they played to create a conversation with the live Beetlejuice. Beet didn't think it sounded like him at all even though they were clips of his voice. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Beet to cheer up. She said she'll be singing the Star Spangled Banner at the Beetle Bash when that happens. Howard hung up on her before she could sing anything today. Howard said he heard that Beet's birthday is on ''May 34th.'' Beet said that's true and he was born in 1936. Howard took another call from a guy (Zolar) who was pretending to be a gay guy, Phil the Fag, and claimed that he was with him last night. Beet said the guy must be out of his mind and ended up cursing at him so Howard had to hang up on the guy.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he had a good appearance today and asked him if he wanted to meet Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert came in a few seconds later even though Beetlejuice said that he didn't care about meeting him. Gilbert asked Beet if he had seen him in ''Problem Child'' or ''Problem Child 2.'' Beet said he didn't see them and he never would. He didn't seem interested in seeing any of Gilbert's projects. Howard told Beet that Gilbert worked with Eddie Murphy but Beet didn't care about that either. Howard had Gilbert do his Afflack Duck impression for Beetlejuice but he didn't care about that either. Howard wondered why Beet didn't like Gilbert because he doesn't like him either. Howard said there's something about Gilbert that people just don't like. Howard said that Gilbert should have been a big star by now but there's something about him that has kept him from that. Howard wondered if it was Gilbert's ''Julius Caesar'' hair cut. Robin asked Beetlejuice if he'll even shake Gilbert's hand when he leaves. Beet said ''No way!'' Gilbert tried to convince Beetlejuice to like him by talking about the movies he's been in and by telling some jokes. Nothing worked. Gilbert told a joke and Beetlejuice said that it was a stupid joke. Nothing was working.
Howard asked Gilbert to do some impressions. He did a couple of impressions including his classic Dracula impression. Beetlejuice still didn't care about him or anything he had to say. Gilbert also did an impression of a guy who played Dr. Frankenstein. Howard asked Beetlejuice what he thought about that, he still didn't care. Howard said that he had his wife Katiejuice on the phone. He picked up the line and it was Zolar doing his female voice. He broke into his deep voice after doing the female voice for a minute. Howard wrapped up with Beetlejuice after that. He gave him another plug for his upcoming Beetle Bash. Gilbert also gave Beetlejuice a joke he can use... it went something like this. ''How do you keep a black man from cashing his welfare checks? ... Hide them in his work shoes.'' Beetlejuice didn't appreciate the free joke so Gilbert gave him one more. ''Did you hear 500 Puerto Ricans died? Their bed collapsed.'' Beetlejuice just kept saying ''Good for you'' over and over again as Gilbert was telling jokes and doing impressions. Gilbert did his impression of Groucho Marx when he was in his older years. Beet said it just wasn't working for him though. Gilbert went through about 5 more impressions but nothing was getting through to Beetlejuice. He did his Andrew Dice Clay, Robin Williams, Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld but Beet's attitude wasn't changing. He just sat there saying ''Good for you.'' Gilbert did his Jackie Mason impression while Beetlejuice was breathing heavy into the microphone. Howard said Gilbert is used to people not liking him. He had to wrap up but Gilbert wouldn't stop with his impressions.
Beetlejuice took off his headphones and started to walk out of the studio. Howard called him back and said he wanted to do a plug for him. You could hear Beet yelling at Gary as he was trying to get out of the studio. Howard said he's never seen Beetlejuice try to run out of there like that before. Howard gave him a couple of plugs and asked Beet to shake Gilbert's hand. Beetle refused to do it and ran out of the studio. Howard wondered why Beetlejuice hated Gilbert so much. He said it's kind of like going to someone's house and their dog doesn't like you. Howard gave Gilbert a plug for a comedy club appearance he has on Monday at the Gotham Comedy Club and a plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com. The site is new so Howard wondered what he's done for the site so far. Gilbert had no idea what was on it because he had nothing to do with it. Howard took a break before they got to Robin's news.
Howard talked about his Viet Nam stories and said someone suggested he keep that stuff quiet. Billy West was sitting in and doing his Grandpa Al Lewis ''Yeah'' impression as Howard was talking about that stuff. Howard got angry with Gary after he was unable to find a letter he was looking for. He eventually found the letter so Howard read through that. That led to Howard talking about killing the ''gooks'' over in Viet Nam and explaining what he did to them.
In another segment Howard got a call from a Viet Na