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Howard started off the show talking about how he beat off to Carmen Luvana last night. Robin wondered why he was talking like that. Howard said that he just figured that they'd like to know. He said he thought that he'd tell everyone just in case Carmen is listening herself. Artie asked who she is. Howard said she was on the show and he was going through his stash of porno and found that one to watch.
Robin said that she was reading about this creepy lawyer guy who had set up this peep hole camera to check out some female public defenders he worked with. Howard said that when you say ''creepy lawyer, that's being kind of redundant. She said that they found he had a bunch of porn videos in his house. Howard said guys who save their porno and catalog them are really creepy.
Howard wondered what's creepier. A guy who has a Real Doll or one who saves his porno. Everyone agreed that it was the Real Doll. He said that a guy who keeps every Playboy in plastic is really weird. Richard Christy came in a short time later and told the guys about how he has a storage place there in the city and he's got boxes full of Playboys in there. He's got every issue of the lingerie editions since 1994. He said some of them are worth some money on eBay. Howard made fun of him by comparing him to the Star Wars guys they've interviewed recently. He mentioned the Darth Nihilus guy and the Gamorrean guard doing impressions of them.
Howard said he feels that his creepy factor is down compared to some guys. He gets his from work and doesn't keep them all. Artie said that he's only had 3 pornos and they're all on VHS tape. He said he keeps them for a long time and doesn't get rid of them. Howard told Gary to give Artie a bag of 10 pornos whether he wants them or not. Artie said he knows the porno movies he has as well as he knows the Godfather movie. Howard kept telling Gary to give Artie those tapes because he knows that Artie won't take them unless they force him to.
Artie talked about some of the movies he has and how he can recite the lines from them. He's got one that Jenna Jameson is in and how the guys in the movie are all doing really bad accents in it. He described the scene and how Jenna was on this Roman pillar thing and these guys are doing really bad accents. He explained how bad the movie was and how this other chick comes and tries to pick her up. They eventually have this 8 minute fuck session. He said that it's edited really poorly and they cut to other scenes. Then Jenna hooks up with a guy and starts doing the guy. Then the other chick is there doing guys too. He said he thinks the movie was called ''Maiden Sarah.'' Artie said that he's had that movie for at least a dozen years.
Howard said that Carmen Luvana has been on the show a couple of times and Benjy once had his toe inside of her. He went on to say that the movie is called ''Panty Drawer'' and all of the chicks in the movie are hot. He said that some of the movies that Gary has in his office are really bizarre looking and they should be thrown out.
Howard said he wondered if he should grow out that Hitler moustache and show up on Letterman to tell him he's growing it to try and bring it back into style. Richard said that moustache would have to be on the nicest person in the world to bring it back into style. The guys also brought up the Osama bin Laden beard and how he may have stolen that from the ZZ Top guys.
Howard said the next time he does Letterman he may just do this and tell him he's bringing back the moustache. He figured that it must have been big over in Germany back before Hitler was taken out. He wondered if that would be more offensive than the N-word to black people.
Fred told Howard that he was reading that Hitler had to shave his moustache to fit his gas mask that he had to wear back in those days so that's the only reason he shaved it to look like that. Richard said he likes those guys who grow really long moustaches and curl them at the ends. He saw a guy out the other night like that and figured he was really old school.
The guys talked about Hitler and some history about him. Howard wondered if he would have been as successful without that moustache. Robin said it may have all gone hand in hand. They said he must have taken his hair style from Moe from the Three Stooges and his moustache from Charlie Chaplain. Howard said he could hear Dave asking him about his moustache and he'd have to tell him that he'd like it to be called the Howard moustache instead of a Hitler moustache.
Howard said he once asked Mark Chernoff to grow a Hitler moustache back when he was on K-Rock. He said it takes a lot of balls to walk around with a moustache like that. Howard said that John Stamos could pull it off and get laid with that moustache. He said he's sure he could get laid like that but Robin said that would mess up his look. Artie thinks that Johnny Depp could pull it off too.
Artie said that Tom Cruise is making a new movie about the Nazis and he saw him in one of those uniforms and he really fit the part. Howard said that Tom is a good actor and people tend to forget that based on his wacky behavior.
Howard said Beth was out last night so he figured he'd run off a batch to make himself tired. He said it was after 8 o'clock last night when he decided to watch it. He figured he'd just do it while he was sitting at his desk instead of waiting for his TV screen to drop down and all of that.
Artie said that he went out on a date with a chick on Saturday and had to beat off after because he didn't get laid. He said that he went out with some of the guys from the show to celebrate Jason's engagement. He said Richard was out shooting pool and getting really drunk. He said this chick he was going out with didn't get off from work until 11 that night. He said he realized that he does have a type like the guys on the show say, she's a bartender at a club in Jersey.
Artie said that a bunch of the guys from SIRIUS were there at the bar where the guys were celebrating. He said that JD was just sitting there moping while everyone else was celebrating. He said that there were chicks there. He said that JD doesn't invite anyone to talk to him and no chick is going to go up to him and start a conversation. Howard called JD in there to get him in this conversation.
JD came in so Howard told him to get some confidence and just talk to some chicks. JD said he didn't think that any of the chicks that were there were all that attractive. He said he was just talking to people he knew. Artie said that he's taking JD out to Vegas this weekend and he's going to get him laid. He's got a whole floor of rooms out there at the hotel he's staying at and if he has to, he's going to pay for some chicks. Howard asked JD if he's paid for any whores yet. JD said he doesn't think he has.
Artie said that he's going to get JD some hot chick to bang him out there. JD told Howard that he doesn't talk to anyone he doesn't know so that's why he doesn't meet new chicks. Artie said that they're going to be at this club out there and the chicks are going to be unreal. He said they're going to hang out at the pool all day Friday and there will be chicks all over the place. He said they can do that all day Friday and all day Saturday. Howard figures they'll come back on Monday and hear how JD just sat there doing nothing.
Howard brought up JD's trip to Jamaica where he almost drowned in 3 feet of water. Howard asked JD if he's ever beat off to Carmen Luvana. JD said ''of course...'' Howard got back to his jerking off story and told the guys he was in his chair naked and beating off to the Carmen Luvana movie. He was in the middle of it when he thought about watching more of it even after he finished. Then, in the middle of his orgasm, he realized how disgusting it is and how disgusted he was with himself. He knows that he has to save it for next time though because he knows he'll want to see more of it when he needs to beat off again.
Artie got back to his story about his date. He said he saw Richard playing darts when he was leaving the bar the guys were at. He was getting drunk all night and throwing darts around. Howard wondered why they'd have a dart board at a bar where people get drunk. He said that he wants to open a bar where they have a firing range. Richard said the dart board was in a really high traffic area too and people had to duck under it when people were throwing darts.
Artie asked Richard if he got wasted that day. Richard said he wasn't that bad. He had about 7 or 8 beers and a few shots of tequila. Artie said that Richard's girlfriend is really good looking and he was talking to her about the trip they're going on where they're going to be staying in haunted houses and stuff.
Richard got back to the dart board thing and said that they do make plastic ones that stick in a board that has holes in it. The guys said that's all gay though. They don't want to play darts like that.
Artie said that he told this chick he was going on the date with to meet him at this diner they agreed on. He said that they met at this place and ordered up some Disco Fries (fries with cheese and gravy) and some pancakes. He said he ate most of it after she ate like one bite of the pancakes and one of the fries.
Artie said that he was sitting there at the diner and this guy in a dirty hat and shirt was staring at him. He said it turns out the guy works with her and he anted to meet him. Artie said that he hoped that it wasn't her boyfriend or something. Howard said that's really a creepy thing to do but she must have been really hot to have recovered from that kind of awful thing.
Howard said that this guy's name is Luis so he wanted to get that out of the way. He said he wanted to get that over with so the guy came over and pulled out his Beer League and It's the Whisky Talkin DVDs to get signed. He said he was really happy to have met him and gave the chick a hug.
Robin said that it was very odd because the chick had to have told the guy that she was going on a date with Artie days before. Artie told her that it was okay with him and asked her not to do it again. He said it was a really weird move to make but he doesn't really care because he's not expecting a long term relationship. He said that he didn't get laid the first night so he wants to go on a second date.
Artie said that he kissed the chicks when he drove her home. He didn't get laid but he did some kissing when he dropped her off at home, which is her parent's house. He said that she didn't have a car with her at the diner so Luis must have driven her there to the diner. Artie said he'll probably call the chick today. He said that she was wearing these skin tight bartender pants and they were really hot to him. He said that all hot bartender chicks wear them.
Then at the end of the conversation the owner asked him to talk to his partner who was in the hospital. Howard said he did that but he was just being nice. He said this guy had been begging him to come down there and then he pulls this stuff. He said he loved the food and he's eaten there before but it's retarded to do stuff like that.
Howard said that the whole thing there is not to bother guests there but the owner thinks that it's okay for him to bother them. He said that the guy was really nice and picked up the tab but he wasn't looking for that. Artie said that he's been in situations like that himself and he has people putting him on the phone with people who hardly even know who he is.
Howard said there was this other guy there who wanted to shake his hand when he was eating. He refused to do that but then the guy had his face really close and he was kind of drunk. He said he kept the conversation going and kept his face way too close. Ross asked him to back off a little bit. Then the guy freaked out and couldn't believe he didn't want to make this deal with him that he was asking about. Howard said it's crazy out there.
Howard said he does say hi to some fans and will shake a hand here or there but some of this stuff can get annoying. Robin told a story about how she had a guy tell her how nice her car was one time and then followed her home. She said that he knew that it was creepy that he had followed her but he just wanted to know if she was really Robin. She was ready to run into her house to call the cops.
Artie mentioned that he got one of these new iPhone things. He said that the people at Rescue Me sent him one as a gift and he thinks it looks really cool. Howard had some stuff to say about that phone but he had to take a break first.
Howard went on to talk about this Bionic-Con convention and how it featured fans of the Six Million Dollar Man. Lee Majors was supposed to be there and 200 fans showed up to celebrate the bionic man and woman and also Buck Rogers. He read through the article and said that there were stars like Richard Anderson, Erin Gray and Gil Gerard. There was someone who paid $3,300 to have dinner with Lee Majors but Majors didn't show up. He said that Majors burned all of his fans by not showing up.
Howard read that some fans were really upset that Majors didn't show up. Some of his co-stars were upset that he didn't show up either. The guy who played the original Cousin It was there and got upset about him not coming. Howard said that they should have been there to do interviews, he would have loved to have spoken to the guy who played Cousin It.
Howard said it turns out Lee Majors had to film a movie that weekend and wasn't able to make it. The article also mentioned that they have a cruise coming up next year so maybe Majors will be able to make that. Howard said that's funny that Lee Majors is a big draw like that.
Howard read through some of The Onion's latest headlines which are pretty funny. He read through a few of the headlines and said that those guys are really funny over there.
Howard said that they'll have the waxing woman there and she'll show Brandon what to do. He said that if he'll do that, then he's in for the news. Brandon said he thinks that she'll be okay with it. Howard wondered if Brandon's mother is really hairy down there. He said that he seems to remember that she was pretty hairy down there back when he was younger. Howard thought it was kind of odd how he agreed to that so quickly. He let him go a short time later and moved on to other stuff.
The caller asked Howard when they're going to have Valentina Vaughn back on the show. Only Artie understood what he said so he had to interpret. He said he speaks 'retard'' so that's how he understood. Howard asked the guy about going to school and how he was left back while all of the other kids moved on. Howard asked if they could call him ''Special Ed'' since he was in Special Ed. The caller's name was James but Howard wanted him to call in as ''Special Ed'' which is Jim Florentine's character's name from Crank Yankers. James even did a ''Yay!'' that sounded very similar to Jim's retarded character.
Howard asked Special Ed if he could do simple math. James said he could but a simple 30 plus 20 came out to 70 and 8 plus 2 was 11. He said he was kidding and it was 10 but then he still couldn't get the 30 plus 20. Howard helped him and told him to drop the zeros and he could get it easy. He got the idea but then Howard gave him 300 plus 200 and Special Ed came up with 400. Howard then gave him 50 plus 21 and he got it right but Robin thought he had gotten it wrong.
Howard thanked Special Ed for calling in and let him go. Special Ed asked for his autograph so Howard put him on hold and told Gary to sign something for him. Gary said he'd take care of it. The guys said that Special Ed had a harder job than even Jeff the Drunk ever did. Howard had Jeff on the phone so he told Jeff he could push carts like Special Ed was. Jeff said that you have to collect a whole bunch of carts doing that job and he really can't do that with one arm.
Jeff said that they had to do his skin graft over again because it didn't take the first time. He said that he's not sure how they're going to do it now. Howard said that maybe they should have left that thing alone. Jeff said that he hasn't smoked a cigarette since Tuesday. He's on bed rest now and he's not able to smoke. He's going to be stuck in bed for the next two weeks. Howard told Jeff to take care of himself. He was about to hang up but Jeff asked for people to send him magazines and stuff. Jeff said if anyone wants to send stuff, they can send it to Albany Med and his name is Jeff Curro.
Artie asked him how much longer he's going to be in there. He said it'll be two weeks so Artie said he might have to go up there and bother him. Gary said that they have the option to do something with Jeff to make some money. Howard said they were going to tape ping pong paddles on his arm and play Wack Pong. They were going to use Jeff and Crackhead Bob since they both have dead arms. Howard said he was thinking of calling it ''Assisted Pong'' or something like that but he liked Robin's ''Wack Pong.'' Artie suggested ''Handi-Pong'' which might work too.
Artie and Howard were coming up with more pong ideas. Howard wondered if Richard and Sal would be up for some ''Dong Pong'' where they hit the balls with their penises.
Howard brought up this iPhone thing that Artie mentioned earlier. He said that he likes some of the features it has but he's not sure he wants to get one. He said that one of the guys there has one and he was saying that his phone gets shut down whenever he gets an e-mail.
Howard said they have some bugs to work out on the phone but you can watch video and listen to it as a regular iPod. Robin said that your hands are all over that screen all day long too. He said he's sure it will get better as the years go on.
Artie said that the phone was a great gift and he really wants to figure it out. He said that he'd love to be able to check out his web site from wherever he's at. Artie asked Gary if he could move all of his music from his iPod to this new iPhone. Gary told him that's very easy to do, you just hook it up to whatever computer you have your iTunes on.
Howard talked about how he was using a Blackberry for a while but now he's using a Treo. He said he hated the Blackberry because the phone sucked so bad. He told Artie that he should take over his own life and start doing stuff himself instead of having this guy Teddy as his assistant. Artie said that has been a problem lately because he had to wait for teddy to give him some pages from the Rescue Me script today when he could have started going over it over the weekend if he could get his own e-mail. Howard told Artie that he has to be able to plan his own day instead of relying on someone else.
Gary said that he thinks that the puppet may have been stolen over there at K-Rock and may not have made it over there from there. Gary said that a lot of people had a key to that studio over there and anyone could get in there. He said he's still looking for the puppet and he's still not sure if it's been stolen. Bong Hit was doing his Jackie Puppet impression but Howard had to move on to some other stuff so he let him go.
Artie said that he was supposed to chat with Keith on the day he was doing Conan. Artie said he went home that day and took a nap and wasn't able to call him that day. He said he slept through the appointment he had and just didn't have the time to do it. Artie said that it was just the one time though. Dr. Keith said it had been more than that. He said that they've canceled meetings and phone calls and it wasn't just the one time.
Howard said that it seems like Artie might not like people getting too close to him. Dr. Keith said that Artie started off his first meeting saying that he had a pretty care free life. That caught his attention because it doesn't seem that way.
Howard asked Dr. Keith about what Artie said about him saying that he might want to just have a kid with a woman who he's not married to. Dr. Keith said that he just can't see Artie having a wife and kid like he wants to. Artie went on to say that he thinks that he's still in love with Dana. He said Dr. Keith seems to think that he still wants to be with her and suggested that they just have a kid together. Dr. Keith said he wanted to explain that to everyone so they understand.
Dr. Keith said that Artie has a huge heart and he thinks that if Artie never experiences fatherhood, he's going to miss out on a lot. Robin said she can't see it being a comfortable thing for Artie or the woman. She said that the woman could get sick of dealing with Artie and move on with some other guy who will take over as the kid's father.
Dr. Keith said that he agrees that it could be a disaster. He said it would be very complicated. Howard said that Artie blowing off sessions is wrong and he really should try to make these things happen. Artie said that he hasn't missed out on regular meetings with Dr. Keith. He just missed that one phone call that day. He said that he was having a bad day anyway and just slept through it.
Howard asked Dr. Keith if Artie could be a father over the phone. Dr. Keith said that Artie could be a great father and he really believes that he could do a good job at it. Howard asked Dr. Keith what's going on between him and Artie. He said that this relationship seems to reflect every relationship that Artie has. He runs from everyone. Robin said he abuses everyone the same way but Dr. Keith said he doesn't take it that way because he's a therapist.
Dr. Keith said that he's going to ask Artie to do something but Artie was talking about how he has a bit of a crazy day today. He said he's very uptight and stressed today and thought about calling Dr. Keith yesterday but he was afraid he was going to be bugging him. He said he felt like he might be bothering him or something. Robin said that Dr. Keith has put the offer out to have him call when he needs him but Artie doesn't even try it.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that Dr. Ablow is the wrong kind of guy for him to be seeing. Artie said that if he was going to see a guy he'd like to talk to him. The guys told Artie that he's already talking to him so he is seeing him. Artie said that it's like lifting weights with him when he talks about his past and he'd rather not deal with it. He said when he sees Dr. Keith, he feels he has to deal with it and he hates that.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's worth trying to work on himself. Artie said ''probably not.'' He said that it was really draining after meeting with Dr. Keith the first time. He said he did feel better after that meeting but it was really tough.
Robin and Howard talked about how ironic it is that Artie is doing this show ''Rescue Me'' and he won't rescue himself by going to therapy. Howard asked Artie why he would go to someone like Dr. Ablow. Artie said that he'd like to be happier some day and that's why he'd go. He said his weight is a big problem right now and that's one source of his depression. He said he feels horrible and it's tough being 300 pounds. He's not used to that. Howard told him that Dr. Ablow is there to help with that stuff.
Artie talked about how he was asked if he wanted to meet Jessica Biel when he was over at Conan and he turned down the offer. He didn't want to meet with her. Dr. Ablow thinks that's another one of these shields that he puts up to keep from getting too close to someone.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Howard how he'd feel if his shrink showed up today. Howard said that he shows up to his appointments so that wouldn't happen. Dr. Ablow is worried about Artie so he showed up this morning.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that it seems like they're being a little impatient with Artie going into therapy. Robin laughed and said that Artie is dying and he needs therapy now. Howard said that he had to go to therapy himself and it's really helped him out. He thinks that it could help Artie out as well. Howard said that he never acknowledged his feelings.
Dr. Ablow said that Artie told him that he didn't come back after the first session because it hurt so much in that first one. He said that's what he has to work through though. He said you don't leave a gym after starting to work out and have a little bit of pain.
Ralph called in and told Artie that he has to be able to find an hour a week to talk to Dr. Keith. He said that this guy is willing to do a lot and he can't imagine what he's so busy with. Artie said that he had this guy from Playboy hanging around with him for a couple of weeks and he felt obligated to spend time talking to him. Dr. Keith and the guys tried talking some sense into Artie. Artie was saying that his relationships start out really good but he eventually wants to leave the situation and that upsets everyone but him.
Artie was saying that he hates staying at places for too long and he wants to get out. He said he had to sign a contract at MAD TV for five years but after two years he was ready to leave. Howard said that he wants Artie to be happy and he'd want him to leave if it would keep him happy. Artie said that he doesn't know where he wants to go, he just doesn't want to stay places for too long.
Artie said that his father used to mess with him by pretending that he could fall off the roof of buildings when they were working together. He said he used to tell his father he was going to gall and the guy would torture him by pretending he was going to. That's the kind of stuff he had to put up with when he was a kid. Howard said that Artie has to have issues with his father and that's the kind of stuff he needs to take care of. He said that Artie's father once put him in Frankie Valli's room just so he could meet the guy. Artie was only 2 at the time.
Artie said that there were times when he and his father would go out on this golf course and his father would hit balls to him and if he made an error or looked like a pussy, his father would get pissed off at him. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that having a relationship with Dr. Ablow makes him look like a pussy. Artie said that it might do that deep down.
Dr. Ablow said that he's still there even after he turned him away. He told Artie that he'll be there for him if he needs him. He'd like an hour a week in a session with him and maybe a couple of phone calls a week. That's what he'd like to see him do to get some help. Artie talked more about his father and the stuff he did when he was dying.
Dr. Ablow wanted to know if he was fired or not. Artie said that he's not and he'd give him a call. He said he has a lot of stressful stuff going on this week. He said he has to work the show all week and he has to do ''Rescue Me'' today and Wednesday. The guys said that Artie has to have an hour available in there somewhere. Artie figured that Dr. Ablow was there to promote his book but Dr. Ablow said that's not why he was there, he didn't want a plug at all.
Howard thanked Ralph for calling in and let him go. He also thanked Dr. Ablow for coming in. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Leslie West was going to be in shortly and he had a bunch of other stuff to get to as well. He said that Russell Simmons is coming in tomorrow. He said they had some Wack Pack Feedback about the fact that Russell called Howard the N-word. They had Crazy Alice, Daniel Carver, Wendy the Retard, Blue Iris and Beetlejuice all giving their comments on the situation. Howard said that they'll be able to talk to Russell about it tomorrow.
Howard said that Big Foot tried to commit suicide and he was arrested for taking a bunch of pills and threatened to stab himself. Howard said that the Howard 100 News department had some reports about that. Lisa G did an interview with him and maybe he'll play that today or tomorrow.
Artie was wondering what's going on with High Pitch Eric because he's supposed to be getting evicted from his apartment.
Robin checked some of them out and said they actually are very nice. They spent a minute on that and Artie interrupted with a story about this Playboy guy who was working with him. He said the guy told him a story about how he had been down in Mexico and got bitten by this insect that infected him and paralyzed the right side of his body. He had to have all kinds of medications to get over that and that led to him having liver problems so he can't drink. Artie said that he can't imagine that and it was just from some bug that bit him down in Mexico.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he bought one of those paintings from Cheeta. He said that you pick 3 colors and the chimp paints it and signs it with a finger print. The money goes toward taking care of Cheeta in his old age.
Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man actually gave him a count but he wasn't able to find it. Gary said that he didn't see a number but he'd give him a call to figure it out.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he's a fan of Superman because he's Jewish. Howard said Superman isn't Jewish, the guys who created him were, but that's not the reason he's a fan. He and the caller spent a little time talking about that and how the creators may have thrown in some Jewish references into the story but they had him raised as a Methodist out in Kansas in the story.
Howard quickly mentioned that Joel Siegel died and he was kind of upset about that. He said that guy was a good guy.
Howard played another Dan the Song Parody Man song parody featuring Riley Martin. Howard said that he's been hitting home runs lately and he had to send him a note the other day. Howard had him on the phone so he asked him if he had counted the number of ''Uhh'' comments in that Riley interview. Dan said he stopped counting at 175 and didn't get a final number.
Howard said he had another song from Dan where he took Iron Sheik clips and threw them into the ''YMCA'' song. This was called ''You're Fuckin Gay'' instead. Howard asked Dan how long it took him to make that one. Dan said it took about 3 sittings of 45 minutes each to get it just right. He played another one where Dan put Riley clips to the Twilight Zone theme. Dan said that only took him about a half hour to do.
Howard let Dan go and said he wanted to get Leslie West in there. He quickly played a new song about Robin from this guy Goody Dickman who has done some classic Robin parodies. He played that song and the guy always works in the ''Chorizos'' comment in each one. He played a couple of his other song parodies as well.
Howard played some new clips of Iron Sheik going off on some other wrestlers when he was questioned about them on a talk show. He started to break down crying over some woman he brought up too so Howard told Gary to make sure he asks him about that stuff when he comes in. The guys said that they should have Sal or Richard call in as someone to get him all worked up. Fred and Artie then made up what that conversation might go like.
Howard played more clips of Sheik breaking down and crying when certain names were brought up. It didn't take him long to get over those and to start yelling. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he's been following what's been going on with this guy Larry David lately. He read that Larry had this guy living with him and that guy was helping to develop some property for him or something. Robin said that this other guy had moved into their barn and then Larry's wife filed for divorce and went off with that other guy. Howard said that now Larry is going to have to give up half of his Seinfeld money.
Howard said that Leslie West was there so he had the guys bring him in. Howard said he always figured Leslie would be dead by now but he's still going strong. Artie said he's his inspiration. Leslie said that he knows why Artie was on heroin because he was on the stuff for six years himself.
Artie asked Leslie about that six years and how he handled it. Leslie said that he did something smart and had all of his royalty checks sent to his grandfather who took care of that. He said that he heard that he could skin pop the stuff and he wouldn't need as much so he started doing that. He said he went to a group meeting and this guy was talking about the skin popping and how it was quicker and you didn't need as much. Artie said that skin popping is just injecting into any part of the body instead of going right into a vein.
Artie said that he was to a point where he couldn't get high so he was spending more and more money on the stuff trying to get high. He said that his dealer told him about the skin popping thing. Artie used to wait for hours for his dealer to show up so Howard pointed out that he'd do that but won't spend an hour with Dr. Ablow.
Howard said that if he was doing that stuff, he'd figure out how much he was doing a week and buy enough to last instead of buying it when he ran out. Leslie said that he had to get off the stuff because he knew he wasn't going to last if he kept going. He said that he went into this detox thing and they took him off the stuff slowly so he didn't feel the effects of the detoxing. He said you really want to get off the stuff though.
Howard asked Leslie what this story was about him doing the guitar playing on ''Who's Next.'' Leslie said that he was asked to do the album with them so that's what he did. He went into the studio and they played some demos for him and he played a little bit. He said that if you hear the remixes of the songs, you do hear him playing on them. He said that he was paid for that gig and he didn't get upset about them not crediting him.
Howard asked Leslie why the band Mountain isn't bigger than they are. Leslie said they probably sold a total of about 10 million albums over the years and that may not have been enough. Howard said that's a lot of albums though. The guys talked about some other bands that aren't in there either. Howard thinks that the Moody Blues should be in there for what they did.
Leslie said that he made it into the New York Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Howard told him that's horse shit though. He thinks that Mountain was one of the greatest bands ever. He played some of their stuff and said that this one song made him want to cry. He said they really were a killer band.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's a huge Who fan and he doesn't see Leslie's name mentioned in any of the remixes. Leslie told him that he is listed in there somewhere. He said he's seen his name in The Who's Next Remixes. He told the guy to put on one of the songs so he could play it but Howard let him go before that happened.
Howard asked Leslie about the band getting back together and ended up talking to him about his cancer. Leslie had cancer in his bladder and he claims it was from smoking. He said he found it by accident too. He said that he had some prostate stones removed and they had to stick a scope up his penis. He said that the doctor noticed something when he was in there and found cancer in there and told his girlfriend it didn't look good. Leslie said he didn't know what that meant so the doctor told him he had to go in and cut it out. He said they went in through his dick but he was out while they did it so he didn't know.
Howard said his balls ached just hearing that story. Leslie continued and said that he was able to remove all of the cancer and later found out that it's been gone for a while now. He's in remission at this point. Leslie said he quit smoking after all of that went down. The doctor told him that it could have been caused by smoking so he quit. He said that he never really smoked more than a pack a day either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that one of the first concerts he saw was The Vagrants who opened up for The Doors a long time ago. Leslie was in The Vagrants at the time. That led to Leslie telling a story about how he got chased by the cops one time when he told them to shut the fuck up while he was on stage. At the time they could get in trouble for saying that on stage.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Leslie reduced a sound man to tears one night when he was doing a show because he yelled at the guy over the quality of the sound. Leslie said that's possible and he could have done that.
Leslie showed Howard this guitar that he has out now from Dean guitars. It's a Leslie West signature series and he was giving Howard number 29 (of 100). Howard said he'd play it too. He strapped it on and started strumming some stuff. Leslie told him he should hang it on the wall or something.
Howard played a track off the new Mountain album ''Masters of War'' and Ozzy sings on the song. Howard said the song sounds very contemporary as well and he wouldn't be surprised if a band like Pearl Jam put out a song like that. Howard gave Leslie a plug for MountainTheBand.com and for an appearance he's making at J&R Music World today.
Artie asked how much Leslie would charge him for guitar lessons. Leslie said it's more than he's making there. Howard played the Beetlejuice song that Leslie played on after that. Howard had to go to break after that but Leslie did his impression of Crazy Alice real quick before they broke.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has some great ideas for when the Iron Sheik comes in. He told Howard to wear a Yarmulke and someone should dress up with a turban and goofy shoes. Howard said that might be a good idea for Artie. They could have Artie dressed up as Sheik's long lost son. Artie did his impression of Sheik and talked about some stuff he can bring up when Sheik comes in.
Howard played a bunch of the song parodies that Dan the Song Parody man created using those Iron Sheik clips. He had Steve Langford in for his Howard 100 News update. Steve said that they'll have an update on Big Foot's suicide attempt today. Howard gave Steve some applause for the work they've been doing there at Howard 100 News. Steve mentioned they also have a story about going to High Pitch Eric's apartment to find out if he was still there. High Pitch wouldn't let him in though.
Howard said that he had some audio of him trying to get into Eric's apartment. High Pitch wasn't letting him in and told Steve he wasn't going to open the door. He said he was busy. Howard said Steve eventually convinced him to open the door but Eric wouldn't let him into the apartment. The rumor is that the neighbors are complaining about the smell but Eric claimed that he was cleaning it up. Steve said the hallway smelled really bad. Steve said there was actually a sign in the hall from the neighbors who want him to move because they don't want pigs like him living there.
Steve asked Eric what he thinks about the people complaining about him. Eric said ''fuck them... fuck them.'' Steve said Eric has gone to bankruptcy court and he seems to think that he's going to be able to stay there. Steve said he was told that there are dog and cat droppings on the floor there.
Irish John called in and said that Eric called him and said that Steve was there for 3 hours keeping him trapped there. Steve said that wasn't true, he was in and out of there in no time. Ralph was up to the apartment one time so he called in and told Howard how disgusting it was over there. He said that there was dirt and gunk on the floor all built up and it made him gag.
Howard had a clip from Howard 100 News about the Big Foot suicide attempt. Lisa G called Big Foot and asked him what went on with that. He got out of the hospital and he's working on finding a place to live. He said that no one would help him so that's why he tried to kill himself. Big Foot said that he fired his manager after he tried charging him for some stuff that he didn't think he should be charging him for. Lisa told Big Foot that the fans love him but he said he's found the opposite up there where he lives. He has a new manager now and he's looking for a new place to live.
Steve said that Jason and Will have a new Page 69 story about Gary trying to catch a snooze before going to a dinner party and getting caught by Mel Karmazin who was walking around. Gary said that he was humiliated when that happened because Mel was giving a tour. Gary said he apologized to Mel about the whole thing and Mel was very cool about it. He said he knows that they work late over there so he didn't have a problem with it. Gary said that Mel was giving him a tour of the place with this guy who has no idea who he is and they find him sleeping. Howard found it pretty funny though. He said Gary can't catch a break. Gary said that Tim was all freaked out by the whole thing and thought he was going to get fired himself. Gary said he was going to take care of it though and tried to calm him down.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned that they'll be talking about Dr. Keith Ablow's surprise visit to the show this morning. They'll also talk about Leslie West's visit. They're also going to talk about Artie's date. That led to the guys talking to Artie more about this chick that Artie dated and how he met her. He said he met her when he was out with some friends one night.
Ralph called in and said that he was watching some porn one day when they were still doing the Friday Show. He said he was watching the John the Stutterer porn and Mel was giving a tour with about 6 other people. He said Mel just turned around and walked out to show the people something else. Gary said Jason just told him he had a bunch of pictures from the ''Guess what's in Sal's pouch'' up on his computer screen the other day and Mel walked in doing another tour and saw that on his screen. Howard said that Mel runs the company and the last thing he wants to see is Gary sleeping on the couch. He did his impression of Gary and goofed on him about that for a short time. Fred played a bunch of Baba Booey clips and stuff while that was going on.
Howard said that Letterman actually mentioned Baba Booey in one of his bits the other day. He played the clip but said he really didn't get it. He said it was kind of funny that they mentioned him in the clip. The audio clip they played was supposed to be Ronald Reagan's audio diary and he talks about how he was doing a lesbian dating game with his sidekicks Robin and Baba Booey but no one in the studio understood the bit.
Howard said he had a bunch of new Baba Booey clips but wasn't able to find them. Gary told him where they were so he eventually found them and played them. One of them was a parody of a System of a Down song that Howard seemed to really like. He said that one was from Steve Smith so he thanked him for that and had Robin start her news.
Howard took a call a short time later and the caller told him that the Letterman bit they played was supposed to be Ronald Reagan doing a radio address so that's how they tied in the Baba Booey reference. The caller also suggested that they have Eric the Midget interview the Iron Sheik. Howard said that Eric isn't calling the show anymore, otherwise he'd have him call in and interview him. Robin doesn't seem to think that Eric will be able to stay away from the show forever though. Howard didn't seem so sure about that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he loved the Roast week they did recently but he's surprised that Sal and Richard haven't taken the clips of Ronnie and made prank calls with them. Howard said that JD called Ronnie the other day and Ronnie was out at a dog park with his dog. He tried goofing on Ronnie but Ronnie didn't seem to be falling for it. JD sounded very proud of himself after getting Ronnie to hang up on him time after time though.
Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard that he thinks Beth gets better and better looking on TV but he thinks that Howard gets uglier. He goofed on him saying that he thinks that he looks like the Dodo bird in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Howard said he's just happy to be alive at this point. He said that based on his look he should really be dating Janet Reno. That got Eric laughing a bit. Robin said that it's also hard to look good next to Beth too. She also said that she can see where Howard is coming from when he says that he doesn't want to have kids. She spent the weekend around a 3 year old and it was very tiring. She said the kid never stops running around.
Robin said she was showing the kid pictures of her cats and had to hide her camera eventually because the kid wanted her to keep telling the same stories over and over again. Howard said that stuff is for the young people to do. Artie said he keeps the kids away from him by teaching them words like ''cunt'' and things like that.
Robin got back to her news and read some stories including one about Tammy Faye Messner's death. Howard said she seemed like a nice enough woman but he's really against those televangelist shysters out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Robin out with a man a few weeks ago. Robin said that's not true. The caller said he saw her on her boat with a guy so Robin said that was Captain Dennis and she's not seeing him, he's got a girlfriend.
Artie said that he was looking through the porn that Gary gave him and he's trying to decide between ''Cock Stories'' or ''8 Simple Ways to Bang My Teenage Daughter.'' Howard said he'll give him that porn he was talking about first thing this morning once he's done with it.
Robin mentioned that the new Simpsons movie was coming out this week. Howard said that Richard and Jason have already purchased tickets to go see the movie and they're already planning out the kind of food they're going to bring so they won't have to get out of their seats during the movie. Howard seemed to think that was kind of gay, but not in the homosexual sense, just gay.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show at around 11:10am. Artie got in a quick plug for this week's ''Rescue Me'' because this is the first episode of this season that he's appearing in. He said he's only in one scene but it whets the appetite. The show airs on FX on Wednesday nights.
Howard started the show doing his Darth Nihilus impression. He said that Sal and Richard called that chess TV show again and Sal was busting the host's balls. He played the clip where the female host asks for some real chess players to call in and play along with them. Sal then gets confused by her Asian accent and thinks she's calling him a lady. He says that she's bothering him by talking and tells her to be patient. She asks him to be faster so he tells her to shut the fuck up and let him make his move ''you fuckin bitch.'' She takes the next call, Richard, and lets him make his move. He tells her to move a certain piece and move it but when they do, he tells them to take it back. He yells at them not to move those pieces by going ''Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!'' over and over again.
Howard said he'd give up on that format for that show because it's not working. Artie said he'd take that show and put it up against Carson Daly and see how it does. Howard said that now that Imus is gone from his station in New York City, their ratings are down but it's only down by a couple of points which isn't all that much, just all of Imus' audience.
Howard brought up this guy Sumner Redstone who used to run Viacom. He said the guy basically set up his kids for life but now he and the son are estranged already. Now his daughter is giving him a problem and fighting with him. Howard said he needs Robin to give him the specifics even though he already read the story. He said that this is the wrong time to be fighting with your father, the guy is in his 80s and could die at any moment. He said that he could write them out of his will.
Howard figured the kids must not know how hard it is to actually make money. He said even his kids don't think about how hard it is to make money like that because they think that they don't really need all that much to live. He said that Redstone's daughter must be the same way.
Howard said that Donald Trump's kid seems to get it and he's doing the right thing by working for his father and just going along with everything. Howard read through some of the story about Sumner and his daughter. He said the story doesn't say why they're estranged but he thinks it had something to do with the amusement parks she runs for his company.
Howard thinks that it's a slap in the face for people who have to work hard when they do stuff like that. Howard changed subjects again and said that Mel Karmazin made an announcement about the pricing for the new company once this merger between XM and SIRIUS goes through. He said that he's working really hard to make this happen too and he doesn't get why they don't just approve it. Robin said she was talking to a guy who said that he can't believe that this merger is being held up while all of the oil companies and other companies just go through with their mergers.
Howard said that there's a story about how the life expectancy of an 80 year old is about 8 years so Sumner Redstone's kids probably don't have a long time to wait for him to pass away. Gary came in and said that Sumner has said some really nasty stuff about his kids over the years. He brought in some quotes from the guy where he has said that his kids have added nothing to the companies they work for and stuff like that. Gary said he's basically said that his kids are nothing without him.
Howard said that it shows what Mel Karmazin had to go through when he was working with Sumner. That's probably why he had to get out of there.
Howard said he's fantasized about being a game show host for a long time. He said he was watching Jimmy Kimmel hosting a new game show and he thought he was really good at what he was doing. He said that Jimmy was very good at just staying calm and not screaming like some hosts do. He said you can't inject too much of your own personality into a game show and Jimmy did it very well. He said he sent him a note letting him know that.
Howard said he was always a big fan of all of these guys who did game shows when he was growing up. He said it's got to be a great gig because they get paid well and they have great schedules. Howard and Artie figured that Drew is going to be getting paid very well for that.
Howard said Drew probably never fantasized about becoming a game show host but Robin thinks that he probably has. Howard said that he's stepping into an unusual thing. The show has been on forever and it's so well known. He said it's the longest running game show. It started in 1956 but Bob Barker wasn't the host right from the start.
Howard said that Drew has to be under a lot of pressure to keep the show running. Howard said that it has to be the hardest show to do because of all of the different games. He said that Howie Mandel's gig is really cush. He doesn't have to remember nearly as much as Drew is going to.
Howard played the next guy who had a speech impediment that was so great that Artie was laughing his ass off. That guy said that he had gotten Susan Anton's autograph there and that made Artie laugh even more. He wondered what happened to her to be signing autographs at a Star Trek convention.
Artie said he wants to get that guy to sit in on the news every day. Richard said he does have that guy's information so they could get him. Richard asked him to say some stuff with the letter S in it. He tried to say the line but could barely speak with the lisp he had.
Richard said he was dressed up for the convention but the Howard TV guys told him he couldn't dress up like Data for legal reasons. Howard said that's bullshit, he could have dressed up like that if he wanted to. Richard talked to the guy about who he's met on the Stern Show and the guy said he'd met a lot of the guys including ''Baba Bowie'' instead of Baba Booey. He said that highlights from that show will be on Howard TV tomorrow night.
Howard played another interview Richard did where the guy spoke in a very nerdy way. Robin said ''Oh my god!'' when she heard that and said that it sounds like Richard went to a hospital to do these interviews. That guy was into Data as well and also told Richard about some of the other characters that he liked. Richard had him saying the word ''Engage'' over and over again and pretended he didn't understand what he was talking about. Richard had him repeat that line about 15 times. He then said goodbye to him and had him saying that a bunch of times as well.
Richard said he gets along with those people because he's been going to conventions for many years. He said that he goes to horror movie conventions so he gets that kind of love for characters. Richard went to George Takei's appearance there so Howard played some audio where George introduced Richard and had him come up on stage. Howard heard that George gets up there and just talks on and on and the audience loves it. Richard said the audience was ''encapsulated'' the whole time. He meant to say ''captivated'' so the guys goofed on him about that.
Howard said that Letterman gets people from Harvard and Yale to write for him while he has Richard who says ''encapsulated.'' He played some of the audio from Richard getting up on stage and talking about how great he is on the show. George and Richard talked about some of the stuff they have done on the Stern Show and mixing it up with one another. George even made reference to seeing Richard's penis.
Howard played a clip from this movie that Sal gave him called ''Daddy's Worst Nightmare'' which features black guys with huge cocks banging white chicks. Howard said that Sal is into that kind of stuff. Artie said Sal is probably shoving stuff up his ass when he watches that stuff.
Richard asked Howard if he's ever thought about digitizing his porn collection. Howard said he doesn't keep his stuff, he just gets rid of it. Richard said that if he wants to watch it again he won't have it. Howard doesn't care, once he's watched it, he's done with it. Richard said his favorite movie of all time is a scene where Peter North and Nikita Denise are doing a scene. He said he loves when the guy covers her face with his load.
Howard said he doesn't like seeing loads but Richard said he likes to slow-mo those scenes. He said he jerks off to stuff like that. Something about that turns him on. Robin said ''Yeah, you're gay...''
Howard said that these two companies are struggling to stay alive and they're competing against all of these other technologies but the government is holding up the merger. He said it's ridiculous. The caller said the plan for the pricing packages are great and you can start out as low as $6.99 a month for 50 channels and it goes up at $.25 per channel if you want to add on. Then you can get everything for $16.95. Howard thought they were going to offer channels for 25 cents so he could get a subscription for 75 cents but the guys corrected him and said that the minimum would be $6.99 a month. Howard said that's still a great deal.
The caller said he had an idea to pitch to Gary but he wanted to do it off the air. He said it was a gift idea but didn't want to give it out on the air. He said that it was actually a chess set made out of crystal and it would have Howard and Beth as the king and queen. Howard said that he's not looking for anything like that and that's the kind of crap the fans send to him. Howard said that if anyone there bought him something like that, he'd fire him.
The guys talked about the catholic channel there at SIRIUS and how cool they seem to be. Howard said they've invited him to do their shows and they're always just hanging out and having a good time there. Richard said that there were some Priests sitting out in the lobby the day the Playboy chicks were there and they were just hanging out there. Howard talked about the nuns he's seen walking around with the giant habits and stuff like that.
Howard said he'd like to have a nun beauty pageant. He wondered if nuns can jerk off so Robin and Richard said they can't do that, it's a sin. That led to Richard talking about how he had stopped whacking off for about a year one time because he thought that it was effecting his personality. He said that he'd be afraid to talk to people after doing it so he stopped for a while.
The Star Trek guy mentioned Air Supply so Howard played an Air Supply info-mercial that the band had done. That was kind of strange. They had one woman sitting there with them who said she couldn't believe she was sitting there with the band. Gary said that he once spent an entire evening with the big, dumb blond one from the band. He said that the guy was really nice but he never really says anything. He said he's almost like a cave man.
The guys were talking about how well that kind of music sells and how the number one station in New York right now is a station that plays that kind of stuff, Lite FM. Howard had Artie singing an Anne Murray song that he's sung on the show before. Artie got into it and Howard said he thinks Artie is a good singer.
Howard said that a guy sent them a picture of him with a Hitler Moustache and he thought it was really cool. Richard said that was Dr. Ivan who sent that in. He told the guys to make sure that gets put up on the web site.
Howard played Artie's last version of Anne Murray's song that they actually put to music. Howard also threw in more of that Air Supply commercial and goofed on that a little bit. Artie said that they say that a lot of dentists buy that kind of music in bulk. Howard said that he gave his dentist a SIRIUS satellite radio and they love listening to the soft rock on there. They don't have to buy a service that plays that kind of stuff now.
Howard and the guys started doing their own info-mercial about the Stern show and threw in some bits that they couldn't forget. They rehearsed and said the lines at the same time to make it sound like one of those dopey info-mercials. Howard was playing some bits and songs while they were doing that but then he lost the page he was using for audio clips. Gary fixed it for him so he, Artie and Robin all introduced bit after bit just like the Air Supply guys were doing.
A caller asked Howard if he's ever thought of releasing some of those bits on CD. Howard said that he did put out the Crucified by the FCC thing years ago but now they just put out the old stuff on SIRIUS. He said he'd rather just have all of the benefits of that stuff on SIRIUS instead of trying to sell the fans more stuff. He had to go to break a short time later.
Robin said that they were talking about a guy yesterday who had 211 porn movies and he was creepy. Richard said he has a lot more than that. He said he's a big fan of Kelly Monaco's so if he wants to look at her, he has to be able to pull that stuff up quick. Robin asked him if his girlfriend watches stuff with him. He said she's not into that so it's all his.
Richard said he didn't get laid from 1993 to 2003 so he was into the porn. That was in his prime too. He was in a hit band and touring all over the world in those years. Howard got back to his commercial and finished that up so he could come back from break.
After the break Howard wondered if Richard would get rid of that porn collection if his girlfriend asked him to. Richard said he doesn't think she'd do that. He said he might put it into storage. He said he's been saving that stuff for years but he'd probably give it up. He said that she's not like that though so that's why she's so awesome. Richard said that he'd be more discrete about it if he had kids around.
Richard said that his father never really had any porn that he knew about so he'd have to beat off to hunting and fishing magazines.
Richard told Howard that he found a new porn clip where this guy sounds like a motorcycle when he's having an orgasm. Howard played the clip where the guy did sound like he was revving up like a motorcycle. Artie said it was more like a race car.
Lisa also said that Artie is on the cover of Time Out magazine because of his appearance on ''Rescue Me.'' Artie also claims that he gets his therapy on this show so he doesn't need it away from there. That led to the guys talking about yesterday's show when Dr. Ablow made a surprise appearance on the show. Some fans think that he screwed Artie over by doing that to him on the air. Artie said he spoke to him after the show yesterday and they have a meeting this Friday.
Howard said that High Pitch Mike is there with some pictures from his trip to Disney where he's on rides all by himself. He was willing to show them but he wants Artie to get weighed. Mike came in and said that they take pictures of him after scanning tickets so he didn't even know that they had been taken until he got this note.
Artie was going to pass on weighing himself telling Mike that he didn't care to see his pictures because they'd probably be disappointed. He said that the pictures won't be that good. Mike said he'd show them to Howard to figure out if they were worth it. Howard took a look and said that Artie would like this one. It was Mike in a ride with another family. Howard said one of them was really sad because he was standing there all alone in front of the castle.
Artie said that what he has in his imagination is way better than the real thing. Howard said he would never let his family ride with High Pitch Mike. Mike changed subjects and asked what was up with Dr. Ablow yesterday. He said that Artie should be jogging over to Dr. Ablow's office because he's so fat. He's got something for Artie lately. Artie said that he won't get on the scale because it's too depressing.
Gary said that Mike had to stand on a special ''singles'' line at Disney World when he was down there. Howard said they must have had to have asked him ''Sir, would you mind standing on the 'I don't have any friends in life' line?'' or ''Sir, do you mind getting in the 'potential serial killer line'?''
Lisa G took a look at the pictures but she had already seen them. Artie said that Lisa made these really good peanut butter and jelly squares that he loved. He ate like 5 of them. Howard and Robin asked why she's enabling him like that. She said she brought them in for everyone else and can't help it if he takes them all.
Mike told Howard that there was a great show on TLC last night about these obese people who have to go to this hospital. He said that they have these 400 pound people on the show who are trying to get help. Artie told Mike that maybe he'd go by himself to that clinic.
Mike told Artie to do it for the people on the plane he has to sit next to. Artie said he doesn't care about those people. He refused to get on the scale for him though. He said it's really just too depressing. He said he doesn't care about Mike's pictures
Howard let Mike go so Lisa got back to her news. She said that Joey Boots was on Out Q the other day and they offered to do a Dial-A-Date with him but Joey said the Stern Show has already done that. Joey is still going after this kid Kevin who works there and it's borderline harassment according to Gary. Lisa said that Joey is also still going after Gregg Karmel and he's been jerking off to him. Gary brought in some stuff that Joey has been sending to this intern Kevin. Howard told Joey he might want to calm down with that stuff. Joey does work there on the Superfan Roundtable so he has to see this kid Kevin there every week.
Howard said that Russell Simmons was coming in next. He had a bunch of other stuff to get to as well. He said that he had some audio of Riley Martin breaking into song when the Howard TV guys went over to his house to film his special. Riley performed ''The Dock of the Bay'' while someone played guitar for him. Riley really got into it a bit at a couple of points. Howard said that guy is having too much fun.
Howard mentioned that they have Scott Baio coming in later on in the show. Artie said he's been watching his reality show ''Scott Baio is 45 And Single'' and he likes it. He said he can kind of relate to the guy. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard played a clip of Russell Simmons calling him the N-word on the Jay Thomas show. Howard said Russell was there today. He came in a few seconds later and complained about the headphones that he was made to wear. Russell said that he saw Howard's girl out the other night and his daughter is in love with her. Howard said he heard about that. They were out at Jill Rappaport's house and met there. Russell said that Beth is quite inspiring.
Howard asked Russell about all of the young chicks he's had in his life. Russell said that he was single for a couple of years but he's settled down again. Howard interrupted and gave some of Russell's history. He started Def Jam records and also Phat Farm clothing. He sold off all of that stuff and made a ton of money. Then he started the Def Jam comedy thing that launched a lot of careers. He figured he was worth hundreds of millions but Russell said he doesn't count his paper like that.
Howard said that Russell's wife got in on the Phat Farm stuff and that's how she was able to get the kind of money she's getting from him. Russell said that he was with her for 15 years and they're still best friends after all of that. He said that you don't fuck your best friend so that's why they're not together anymore. They still get along and work together so they didn't need to split up the money.
Howard read some notes about Russell and said that he was a drug dealer when he was a kid. He read that he had to shoot someone but Russell said that wasn't true. He didn't shoot someone, he shot ''at'' someone. He wanted to talk to Howard about this N-word thing and the reason he was there. He said that he was doing some shows there at SIRIUS and he was calling Howard names on a bunch of shows there while he was doing the interviews. He said that on each show his language was different. He said that he used the N-word on the ''Jay Stevens'' show. The guys had to correct him because his name is Jay Thomas. Russell tried to explain the N-Word thing and how he backs up these people who want to ban the N-word but he felt it was the right thing to use on the Jay Thomas show.
Howard said that Russell is sending out mixed messages with that whole thing. He wondered why he'd use the N-word even jokingly if he has bleeped the word on his company's albums. Russell said that words have different meanings and on Howard's show they curse so he figured using the N-word, which is a curse, would be okay. He said he'd rather not have his kids hear words like that on the street so that's why he'd be okay with them trying to ban the word.
Russell said he thinks that the word should be bleeped out on albums but Robin said she doesn't understand why he uses the word then. Howard said that Paul Mooney has stopped using it during his act, or tried to anyway. Russell kept saying that it was something that he thought would be okay.
Howard played the Wack Pack Feedback bit that the guys created after calling people like Crazy Alice, Daniel Carver, Wendy the Retard, Blue Iris and Beetlejuice all commenting on Russell calling Howard the N-word. Russell thought that Daniel Carver was a joke but Howard told him that the guy is serious.
Russell asked Howard where he finds those people and if he's inspired by them. Russell said he just wanted to move on. He doesn't think that people are ready for Howard to use that word. Howard said he doesn't use it, he doesn't like the word. Howard asked if it's okay for any white man to use that word. Russell said that America has a lot of work to do.
Howard asked Russell what he thinks is going to be the next big trend. Russell said that he likes things that come from the heart and it's not something that's just popular. He aids that's where the Def Poetry Jam came from. Howard said that his kids love that.
Howard asked Russell if he has an iPhone. Russell said that he does and he always has new shit. He said it's more of a toy right now because he relies on his Blackberry for his business. He said that he's been doing some work for Jay-Z lately and finding some talent for him. Howard asked him why he passed on Madonna. He said that she actually fired him, he didn't pass on her. He then went on to manage the Beastie Boys. He said he wishes that he had signed Madonna to Def Jam back when she was starting out.
Howard said he had Russell on the show because he does like him. He didn't want to give him the vibe that he didn't like him. Robin said that he did give him the cold shoulder at a party one time though. Howard said that he went over and shook his hand and he gave him the cold shoulder. Russell said that Howard is out there hob knobbing with people that Robin doesn't even know about.
Howard asked Russell if he's been banging any famous chicks since he split with his wife. Russell said that he won't talk about that stuff with him. He said he's got a girlfriend now and she used to model. Howard read that he would never get married again but Russell said he didn't say that. He said you just say things when you're out and they take it seriously.
Howard asked Russell about his kids and if he gives them money. He said that he doesn't have to, they don't even ask for anything. He's got a 7 year old and a 4 year old.
Howard had Crazy Alice on the phone so he was going to let her yell at Russell. He gave him a plug for his book ''Do You!: 12 Laws to Access the Power in You to Achieve Happiness and Success'' first. They spent a minute talking about the book but Alice (audio clips) started going off on him calling him names. Howard let the guys play with those clips for a short time but Russell asked him to hang up on her so he did.
Howard read that Russell's wife once bought a $150,000 hand bag and that must have driven him nuts. Russell didn't seem to know what he was talking about. Russell said that she earned whatever she paid for that bag so that's up to her. Russell said he invited Howard to an event out at his Hampton's house and hoped that he cold make it. Howard said he can't make it, he invited him 2 days before it was coming up.
Howard took a couple of phone calls. One guy said that Russell was being a hypocrite. Irish John asked him what he thought about this Michael Vick thing that's going on. Russell said that he's almost a blessing because he put dog fighting on the front pages of the papers. Russell said that can bring that kind of thing to the people and let them know that they shouldn't do stuff like that. Howard cut him off and went to Blue Iris (audio clips) on the phone and she was telling Russell she loves black cock. Howard asked Russell if he's got more than 7 inches down there. He said he can't talk about that stuff. Blue Iris said that she wanted to tickle his prostate and stuff like that. Russell asked Howard to turn off her microphone. Howard let the guys keep going though. The guys showed a picture of her to him and he told Howard to please turn it off.
Howard gave Russell another plug for his book and took some more phone calls. One guy asked Howard to shut Robin up for a short time so they could hear what this guy has to say. The guy also asked if Artie was sleeping. Howard said that he was. The guys called in with clips of Wood Yee and had him asking Russell if he could suck his cock and stuff like that. Russell wasn't answering his questions though.
Another caller asked Russell if he's going to stop using the N-word now. Russell said that he's careful about the use of his words and he doesn't curse all the time. Howard asked him to leave them with a few thoughts. Russell went on to say that his book is all about giving and talked a little bit about that.
Howard said that they had Leon Spinks on the phone to say hello. It was the guys calling in with audio clips again. They had Spinks rambling unintelligibly a bit. Russell said that wasn't really Leon Spinks but Howard told him it really was. Russell said that must be what boxing does. Russell didn't know what to say to him. Robin broke the news to Russell that they had been playing tapes of people for him. Russell said he's glad because he doesn't know the show all that well. Howard told Russell that Robin was actually a hologram. Russell said that he thought those people were actors but Howard told him they were the real people, they were just on tape.
Howard had Gilbert Gottfried on the phone, more audio clips, so he let the guys play with those for a few seconds. Russell insisted that it wasn't really Gilbert though. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Howard told Sal to just follow the rules. Sal said he will do whatever Howard tells him, he always does. Sal said he was just trying to make Russell feel more comfortable by telling him that they were the ''white devils'' that played those audio clips during the interview. Howard told him to just stop it, today. Sal had a theory on how it makes black people feel better when they can call white people names like White Cracker or White Devil. Sal was having trouble coming up with the term he was using to describe what he was doing by telling Russell those things. Howard told him to just go back to his office and leave the guests alone. He said it doesn't matter who it is, he is to stay away from the guests.
Richard asked where Ronnie was and why he wasn't keeping Sal away from the guy. Howard said that's a good question. Ronnie came in and said that Sal was told a long time ago to stay away from the guests. He should have known better. Ronnie said he was told at K-Rock to stay away from the guests. Howard told Ronnie to keep him away but then told Sal to just stay away from the guests. He said now Russell is probably thinking about this ''cracker'' who had just bothered him as he was leaving.
Howard yelled at Sal to stay away from the guests but Sal was still trying to justify what he had done instead of just getting out of there. Howard told Sal he needs an emotional friend after spending a few minutes talking to him. Sal apologized but said that when he bothers guests like Jon Stewart, it's different because the guy has no clout. Howard said that's not right either.
Howard told Sal that he shits on him when he does stuff like this. He said he doesn't respect him when he pulls stuff like this. He said that Scott DePace doesn't like Michael Moore but he didn't bother him when he was leaving. Howard said that there are some people who can interact with the guests and some can't. Richard kept throwing stuff out there about what Sal was talking about with Simmons and it pissed Howard off more and more.
Gary said that Sal used to go up to porn stars and tell them his favorite scenes. Sal said that's not true and he has no proof. Gary said that he has proof but Sal said if he doesn't, he should have to kiss his balls. Howard said that's some punishment, some dude is going to kiss his balls.
Sal asked Howard if he has audio of ''Godzilla Goes to Harlem'' because he hadn't played it in about 8 years. Howard told him he just wanted to move on and get on with the show. He had Scott Baio waiting to come in. Howard got rid of Sal but Artie and Fred continued to talk about how screwed up Sal's logic can be sometimes. Howard wrapped up his commercial break and came back a short time later.
Howard said that he wanted to shake his hand and wanted to smell it after that. He told Scott that people talk about Scott like they do about Warren Beatty. Howard said that Scott was able to fly under the radar though. Howard said that he heard that he got Pam Anderson as she was getting off the bus from wherever she came from. Scott said that she was natural back then and didn't have any implants or anything. He met her at the Playboy mansion and her issue hadn't even come out yet. She was on the cover of the magazine and he just happened to meet her there.
Scott said he had walked up to the bar with his friend Steve and they saw these chicks coming in and one of the girls that walked in saw him and said that she had a dream about him. He said that was the perfect opening for someone like that.
Howard asked Scott when he first started getting laid. Scott said he was 16 but it wasn't in high school because he wasn't going to school, he was doing Happy Days at the time. Howard figured that Scott had been with thousands of women but Scott said it might be closer to one (thousand). Howard said that they're some of the most beautiful women in the world too. Gary said that even if Scott was with 100 women a year, that would bring him up to around 3000 women. Scott said he had long term relationships in those years so it probably wasn't that many.
Scott said that this has just been his life and he would have sex with fat chicks too. He said that it was all fun stuff and some of the ugly chicks were very appreciative. He said that some of the ugly chicks would suck him like they had a gun to their head.
Scott said that he did a count of the number of playmates he's been with and it was up there at about 23 or so. He said he actually got banned from the Playboy mansion after he had been with every Playmate from that one year, which was 88 or 89 according to Scott. He said he got a call from someone at the mansion and was asked to slow down a little bit. They told him he had gone too far and he'd been with some of Mr. Hefner's girls. He may have been interfering with some of those relationships.
Howard asked Scott if he had women who had heard about him and wanted to be with him just because of that. Scott told a story about going to a Playboy party and one of the butlers walked up to him and said he never really ''got'' him. The guy said he didn't know how he got so many women. He then said he gets it now and told him that he heard two women discussing him. He said that one of the girls told the other that he had to be with Scott because he can make her come a lot. Scott said that his thing is to please the women so that's the reputation he had.
Howard said that the reason he makes women come a lot is because he's a good looking guy and he's wealthy so that gets them juiced up a bit. Scott said he's good at oral so that's part of it too. He said that he really loves and enjoys doing that stuff so that's why he can get into it that much. Howard said that being with a Pam Anderson must be tough because she's so hot. Scott said that he can go forever with someone he's really into but if he's not, he's done in a second. He said he can really concentrate on a chick if he's into her.
Howard told Scott that he should write a book about this. Scott said he had an offer but there were some issues and it turned into a mess. Artie told Scott that he really likes his reality show ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' so he got into that a little bit. He said that he heard a story that Scott told about banging Erin Moran when they were working together on Happy Days. He talked about how he was actually banging the couch instead of Erin at the time.
Scott said that he learned early that he shouldn't shit where he eats. He said it got very awkward being with Erin when they were working together. He said that the relationship dissolved into nothingness and hatred. He said that making out with her was really tough after they broke up. He hated her by that point and she hated him so it was hard to work together.
Howard asked Scott how he handles a woman who has vaginosis, a smell down there. Scott said that he has told women that they stink down there. He said he got rude after a while and he'd just stick his hand down there and he'd get it up near their nose and if they flinched, he'd say ''Well, it ain't me.'' He said that he'd do other things if they were smelly down there.
Howard asked Scott if he was ever turned down. He said ''of course'' and said that Playmates would turn him down and things like that. He said that Jenny McCarthy once pulled some shit with him one time even though he hadn't been with her. He said he met her at a club called Bar 1 and said hello to her. He was pretty sure she was married at the time. He said she told him that she was a big fan and then he saw her out again another time. She had separated from her husband then so he asked her out. They were going to go out a few days later but she never called him back. He said the next thing he knew, she was on a radio show... probably Howard's, that he was stalking her and she couldn't get away from him. He said he didn't know what she was talking about though.
Scott said that Jenny was out at a restaurant one night so he went in and told her to never talk about him like that again because she doesn't know him. He said he never does anything like that. He said that it's all old shit and he'd like to talk to her and put it all behind them.
Howard asked Scott how long it took to get in Pam Anderson's pants. Scott said if he likes a chick, he'll wait a month or so. He said that he figured that every guy was looking to be with her so he figured that holding out a while might be the best thing to do. He said that he waited a month and a half to be with Nicolette Sherridan and she wondered why he was waiting so long when he finally asked to kiss her.
Howard said that Scott had Heather Locklear in her prime too. Scott said that she's a great chick and what you see is what you get. He said that she was his first real love of his life. He was 21 years old at the time and thought about marrying her but she turned him down. He said she was smart for doing that. Howard asked Scott about all of the different types of chicks that he's had. He named just about every race.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had sex with Tori Spelling. He said he knows her but that's never happened. Howard asked him if he's ever had a woman offer to pay him to have sex. He thought about it and said they wouldn't have to pay him.
Artie brought up this guy Johnny V who is one of Scott's best friends. He gets laid thanks to Scott and without him he can't get laid. Scott said he once heard Johnny tell a girl that if she wanted Scott, she had to go through him.
Gary said he got a call from Scott years ago after Erin Moran was on the show and yelled at him for letting her say something about him having a small penis. Howard gave Scott a plug for his TV show after that and Artie said that he really can't wait for the next episode which is very weird with him and reality shows.
Howard asked Scott what he's worth. Scott didn't say exactly what he's worth but he is a millionaire. He said he didn't stop working from the age of 14 or so. He's directed shows and things like that over the years as well.
Howard gave Scott an F, Marry Kill for Pam Anderson, Erica Elaniak and Nicole Eggert. Scott said that he would kill Erica, only because he'd have to, he'd marry Nicole and F Pam. Howard asked him if she's great in bed. Scott said that it was great because he loved her. He said that he's not into crazy stuff either. He said he just likes to make love. He said that she is good in bed. Howard asked him who was the best. He said that Heather Locklear was the best. He said that she's so adorable that you want to bite her nose off or rip her head off.
Howard threw names out to Scott and he'd give ratings for how good a lover they were. Denise Richards was a 3 according to Scott. He said that things weren't great for him. Brooke Shields he never slept with or even fooled around with. Beverly D'Angelo was a 10 according to Scott. He said that she's a great broad. He said that she was able to shut him down with one sentence. He said he was at Liza Minelli's house and he saw Beverly there. He liked her overbite and thought it was very sexy. He said that she told him that she didn't have an overbite, she had a cocksucker's mouth. Scott said he turned and walked away after that.
Howard read that Scott had been with Liza Minelli. He said that he was with her because of who she was. He said that she was about a 7 on a scale of 10 as far as being a lover. He said that she was about 49 when he did her and it was very unique. He said they were together two times and she was a dancer so she had a good body at the time. Scott said she's a fun chick and she was into it at the time. Howard wondered how he broke it off and didn't make her hate him. He said that he just told her that he'd probably slowly pull away and he wanted to let her know before that happened.
Scott said that almost all of the chicks left him because they wanted him to commit and he wouldn't do that. Howard asked him about Melissa Gilbert. Scott gave her a 10. He said that she was a great girl and he just spoke to her before he came to New York. Howard said that on one of the shows Julie McCullough claimed she had her first AIDS test because she was so afraid of all of the people Scott had been with.
Howard asked him why he turned down the movie ''Top Gun.'' Scott said he was just joking when he said that in an interview one time. He said he never turned that down. Howard asked him if he ever had a woman tell him she was pregnant with his baby. Scott said that she told him she was pregnant, 6 months after they broke up, but she was only 4 months pregnant. He said he never heard from her after he told her that she was lying.
Howard asked Scott how long he waited to get into Nicolette Sheridan's pants. Scott said she was the one with the month and a half and it was amazing. Howard told him that it's an amazing life he's had. Howard said that when you have options like that, it's no wonder he's not married. Robin wanted to know how he got back into the Playboy mansion. Scott said he had to grovel on his hands and knees.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had any gay sex. Scott quickly said ''no'' to that. Howard and Robin asked him what his family thought about this. Scott said his father loved that he was getting all of these playboy chicks and he had a subscription to the magazine and he'd ask him about each of the girls and if he knew them.
Scott said that he got Pam Anderson her job on Baywatch. He sent her picture over to the casting people and they asked to see her. Scott also said that about a year and a half into the relationship Pam came to him and told him that she was going to get her breasts done. He said that he thought she was going to get them smaller but then he found out she wanted them bigger and he knew something or someone had gotten to her. He said that she had changed at that point. Scott said that he got very jaded in his life and stopped caring about having all of these chicks that he could do. He said he would have a bunch of women in bed and he'd just go out to smoke a cigar.
Scott said that he wants to get married now so he can have a kid and just relax. He said he's physically exhausted too. He doesn't want to be the guy in the bar trying to pick up women. Howard took some phone calls after giving him another plug for his show which airs Sunday nights on VH-1.
A caller thanked Scott for being so honest and talking about this stuff unlike so many other guests. The guy also asked about Josie Davis who was on Charles in Charge with him. Scott said that she was an ugly duckling on that show and she turned out to be a very beautiful woman. Howard wondered what happened to Nicole Eggert. Scott said that she just doesn't care anymore and now she's into real estate.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV called in with a clip of Jenny McCarthy talking about Scott. In the clip Jenny talked about what went on between her and Scott. She had said stuff about him on some other show but explained it on Howard's show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Erin Moran mentioned how small Scott's penis was on his show. Scott said he has a normal sized penis and it's not small. Another caller asked Scott if he'd throw Robin a bone. Robin said she doesn't need that. She's no charity case.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Scott if he's had any plastic surgery. Scott said he doesn't need any of that stuff. He said his parents look young too so he's lucked out. Howard said that Jason Hervey is out in the green room with him. He said they'll have to say hello to him as well. Ralph called in and asked if Scott had been with Christina Ricci. That move was ''Cursed'' but Scott said that he just hung out with her for a few weeks.
Jason Hervey came into the studio a short time later. He actually created the show for Scott. Gary told Howard that Jason is married to a porn star and showed him some pictures of her. Howard said that she's hot too. He asked him if she's still got the big balloons. Jason just laughed. He said that he's been married to her for 9 years now. Jason said that his friend Johnny Fratto said to say hello to them.
Howard asked Jason about his wife and what his family thought about him marrying a porn star. He said that they're fine with it and they all love her. Howard asked Scott if he tried to get her. Scott said that he hasn't tried to get her. Howard told him to stay away from her.
Howard said that Scott seems like a smart guy and wondered if he's ever thought about these chicks being too vapid for him. Scott told a story about this chick he met who was a 15 on a scale of 10. He said that this Bob Dylan song came on the radio and she didn't know who it was. He explained to her who it was and she said she thought that he was in The Who. He said he literally stopped the car and told her to get out of the car. He said that she was so stupid that she's probably still trying to find her way home.
Gary told Howard he was reading the bio on Jason's wife Angel Heart. He said that it was a tough read and he wasn't going to talk about it because it was kind of brutal. Howard asked Scott if he's ever had to pay for sex. Scott said he did pay for it one time at the Chicken Ranch. He said that he just wanted to find out what it was like and he found that it sucked. He said that the chick was like a robot and it wasn't all that great. He said that he only paid $170 for a $300 lay.
Ralph called in again and asked Scott if he thinks that there aren't really that many really hot chicks out there. Scott said that there are some chicks who are pretty hot but they're not like Pam Anderson and Heather Locklear types.
Ralph asked Scott why he wants to get married because even someone like John Stamos thought that it was a good idea but that marriage didn't last. Howard said that Stamos has an impressive list of chicks but not as impressive as Scott's list. Howard said there is only one Scott Baio. He asked Scott if he's ever had an amputee. Scott said he's had some infirmed people. Howard asked him if he's ever done anyone that he's upset over. Scott said that he doesn't have any regrets. That was the road he was on and that's what he did.
Joey Boots called in and said that he thinks that Scott's career has been great. He said that he followed him from when he was on Happy Days. He said that he used to dry hump his hand to Scott when he was growing up and he'd love to lick his asshole if he ever had the chance.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had Anna Nicole Smith. Scott said he didn't but there was a rumor that the baby might be his. He said he didn't even know the woman. Howard told Scott that his show is great and gave him another plug for that. Robin asked Scott why he wants to marry this chick. Scott said that he'll leave it up to everyone to watch but he also said that she's a great chick and she's the only one who doesn't want to change him.
Jason Hervey told Howard that he came up with this idea for the show when they were hanging out one time and he pitched the show to VH-1. Artie asked him if he'd pitch a show called ''Artie Lange is 39 and Fat'' to them too. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later. He gave him another plug for his ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' show and then went to break.
Gary said that it's also being reported that she had cocaine in her car. Howard read the article and said that she was chasing another vehicle so the cops saw that and pulled her over. Howard said that she looks good in her mug shot and that's not easy. Howard said if he were her mom, he'd come out with a book about how to be a bad parent immediately.
Dominic Barbara called in and gave them some background on what went on before this. He thinks that she could end up in jail after this arrest and it could be up to a year. He said that she's probably going to get into a ton of trouble after that. The guys talked about all of that stuff for a couple of minutes.
Howard said that there was another story about a Britney Spears photo shoot and how bad that went. She was apparently really out of it during the shoot and her eyes rolled back in her head at one point. She was completely paranoid during the photo shoot and was afraid that the ceiling might cave in on her. Howard said that happened to him one time but he was on acid. She apparently used some designer dresses to wipe her hands on during the shoot as well.
Howard said that story about Britney is from TMZ.com. He didn't know what that site was. Robin said that it's one of those gossip sites that's pretty reliable. Gary said that they're owned by AOL.
Artie wondered if anyone could find his mug shot from when he was arrested out in L.A. County. That was back on November 14, 1996. Howard said that would be a great picture to have if he ever writes a book.
Howard said he's gotten a lot of email from hot chicks who want to come in. He read one and showed the picture to Artie. The chick was in the shower and completely naked. Artie said she had a great ass and she might be great in that Miss Butterface contest.
Howard got another email from a chick who owns some Real Dolls and uses them to photograph, not for having sex. Howard said that she doesn't get why those dolls are so great. He said that the chick was super hot but she just doesn't get why they like those dolls. Howard said they haven't had any naked chicks down there in a while and she might be good for that. He said the only problem is that they're not always good on radio.
Steve said that Eric the Midget may be ready to call the show again. He quoted Eric's latest posting and said that he will never call the show again. Howard said that Eric will call in again, no matter what he says. Steve said they also have a story about how Rev. Bob Levy is going to start having chicks sign releases before having blue cheese dressing licked out of their asses at his comedy shows. Steve got in some plugs for some shows that are coming up tonight as well.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they'll talk about Scott Baio's visit today. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how crazy some of those stories were. Howard said that Scott getting banned from the mansion for banging too many chicks is amazing.
Jon said that they'll also talk about Russell Simmons' visit and try to figure out what he was talking about. They'll also talk about Sal's run in with Russell and about Howard's reaction to that. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard tried taking a call from this guy R.J. who was on the line but the guy had fallen asleep and was snoring. Howard said the guy was on hold for about 2 hours or more and he just fell asleep. Howard left him on the air as Robin continued her news. The guy was snoring like crazy so the guys were kind of making fun of that. Howard said it's almost like Cousin Brucie the way he was snoring. He thought it sounded a lot like Brucie's ''EEeee'' sound.
Howard tried to get through to R.J. by yelling out to him but R.J. wasn't waking up. Howard just left him on the line snoring as they continued to go through the news. Artie asked the guy if he heard that he was on ''Rescue Me'' and all we heard was him snoring. Then Howard asked the guy if he heard that Robin and Mr. X had broken up, more snoring. Howard told the guy to snore twice if he was a homo, the guy snored twice. Howard threw out a few lines like that to the guy while he continued to snore.
Ralph called in and said that the snoring guy was brilliant. Howard said he's going to leave him on as long as he stays asleep. He said that he might be on during the Wrap Up Show and even on through Bubba's show. Artie told R.J. That SIRIUS was offering Ala Carte programming when they merge... The guy snored. Robin would read a story and tell R.J. about it, he'd snore some more. Robin read a story about the merger and R.J. continued to snore. Artie said that surely R.J. would be into that, he kept snoring.
Howard said that Richard thinks he can wake this guy up with his Chewbacca yell. He came in and did that but R.J. kept snoring. He blew an air horn too but that didn't wake him either. R.J. Slept through it all and kept on snoring. Richard gave him a full blast of the horn but it didn't do a thing.
Howard took a call from Mutt from Superfan Roundtable who asked Howard about the new pricing packages that would be available. Howard figured that Howard 100 and 101 would be part of the channels that you could pick. Howard said he'd ask and find out. He asked Gary to find out for him. R.J. continued to snore. Howard said you kind of forget about the snore for a while and then all of a sudden you hear it and it makes you laugh some more.
Artie got on a megaphone and tried waking the guy up but didn't get a response. He was doing his Ted Kennedy impression and yelling at him but nothing happened. Robin wrapped up a short time later. Howard was ending the show and reading his final commercial when R.J. finally woke up. R.J. Thought he had been awake but Howard told him that he had just been on for about 25 minutes snoring.
R.J. was trying to get out what he wanted to say but he sounded like he was still asleep. Howard said he was funnier talking than he was snoring. Howard asked the guy if he was still sleeping. R.J. kept trying to explain to him what he was trying to say but Howard didn't understand what the hell he was talking about. R.J. Started laughing at himself trying to get those lines out. R.J. Said that the joke was something about ''An empty palm is the joke of a satirist.'' Howard and Artie goofed on him about that.
R.J. Said that on Jay Leno's show they lifted Stuttering John with balloons and they lifted that from Howard's show. He had said that it was on Letterman's show but didn't even realize it. Howard said that they do everything they do over there. Howard told R.J. He had to get out of this so he let him go and ended the show right around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about the fun filled morning they were going to have. They were going to have three Penthouse Pets in to show who the strongest woman was. He said that John the Stutterer will be coming in as well. Howard and Artie pointed out that he's a big Who fan and also a Yes fan. Howard played some song parodies with John and his stutters in them. Howard said John wants to come in and tell them how awful his life is.
Howard read a note about Gary having 3 black and white cookies on his desk already and it wasn't even 6am yet. Gary said that he didn't get them, Ronnie put them on his desk for him. He said he will probably eat them though. That led to Artie talking about cupcake Wednesday and how it's killing everyone there. Artie already had his cupcakes ready to go.
Howard said he read an article about how New York has a lot of people with Diabetes and it's because there are a lot of sedentary people in the area. He wanted to eat Artie's cupcake after bringing that up though. Howard said if he just ate that for breakfast, he'd be fine. Artie said he'd be fine if he ate just one a week but he can't.
Artie said that the guy who drives him to work in the morning will go and get him a Frappachino at Starbucks. He stops there and likes the hot chick who works there. Artie said the guy started going there before he picks him up so he really does a good job driving him. Artie said the guy is good at doing his job. Artie had to ask the guy to ask him before getting one of those things though.
Artie said he went home and took a nap but he didn't wake up until this morning. He said he could probably sleep 40 hours at a time. Robin said that the fat is pressing on his lungs so that's why that happens. Artie said that he's never been more refreshed from sleeping so much though. Howard said it's like Artie is still growing so he's like a little kid.
Robin told Artie that he's getting tired from moving around because he's gotten so big. He's also crashing from the sugar high that he gets from eating all of that stuff he eats every day. Howard brought up how all the guys there are gaining weight back after the weight loss challenge because they eat so much there.
Artie said that he's still eating those buttered bagels every morning as well. He had one today and it was smothered in butter as usual. He was drinking a Hawaiian Punch as well. Robin pointed out all of the stuff that he was eating and Fred played Taps for him. Artie laughed but Howard said he'd been getting a lot of feedback from the fans who think he's going to be dead in a year.
Howard said the guys from Howard TV thought Artie had sweat stains under his arms but Artie said it was his deodorant. Fred said it was actually butter leaking out from under his arms. That made Artie laugh a little bit. Artie lifted up his arms and Fred played the Rocky theme song. Howard said the visual was pretty funny with the song playing and Artie having his arms raised. A caller told Artie that he said he was going to diet once he hit 300 pounds but that hasn't happened yet.
Howard read some feedback about Artie and there was some positive stuff about his Iron Sheik impression. Howard asked Artie, as Iron Sheik, to comment on Randy Savage so Artie went into his impression and went off on the guy. He even broke down crying like Sheik seems to do in just about every interview he does. Artie was doing a lot of lines that he's heard Sheik say in his interviews. Howard said that Iron Sheik will be in next Thursday to play Anal Ring Toss.
Howard took a call from a doctor who wanted to talk about Artie but her phone connection was awful. She said that Artie should go to a doctor and find out if he's a diabetic. Artie said that his father was one and he didn't find out until he was much older. Howard had to hang up on the woman because her phone was so bad. Artie went on to talk about how his blood pressure has always been fine. He said his cholesterol will go up when he gets fat. It goes down to normal when he gets thin though.
Howard took a call from this guy they call Special Ed but he wasn't able to get to a point so Howard hung up on him within a short time. Another caller said that he's about Artie's size at 5'9'' tall and 278 pounds. He thinks that he's going to hit 300 and then go on a diet. Artie said he remembers being so uncomfortable when he hit 250. He thought he'd be bed ridden by 300.
Artie came up with a story about how he could become an A-list star if he was somehow able to get a date with Jennifer Aniston, just because he'd be connected to her. He said the way things work in Hollywood is really weird.
Howard said that's kind of what happened with Jenny McCarthy when she hooked up with Jim Carrey. He spent a minute talking about getting angry with Beth the other night because she didn't come on to him after she said she was going to. He said he knows he's tough to live with and that's why he has to go to therapy. Artie said he gets that because you expect to get laid and when it doesn't happen, you get frustrated. That's any guy.
Fred said that he hates to see Artie eating and killing himself with all of the food he's eating. Artie said he hadn't eaten anything since 2 o'clock yesterday because he slept the whole day. He went on to tell a story about this guy he used to hang out with who was a comedian. He said that he and that guy went out and bought line after line of coke in little bottles that they'd do with these broads they met at comedy clubs. Artie said that the place was like a guy's apartment that they were allowed to stay in as long as they did the coke in the bathroom. Artie said there were business guys who would go there and hang out all night doing coke and hanging out with really hot chicks.
Artie said this place had a pool table and he'd play pool all night. He said he went in on a Sunday night and didn't leave the place until Wednesday. He said he didn't even want to stop but the other guy had to leave because he couldn't spend more money. He said that club moved around a lot and he hasn't been there in 15 years so he has no idea what happened to it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's on an 1,800 calorie a day diet and Artie is doing that for just breakfast. Howard asked Artie for the calories for all of the stuff he was eating this morning and figured out what he was taking in. They went through the drinks and food and figured it was up around 1,400 calories or so already. Howard said that Artie had already