Howard started off the show saying that Robin's Dr. Roni waits for the show to start before she brings in Robin's drink. Robin said she's supposed to have her drink at 6 o'clock, that's why. Howard asked her how her diet (21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox) has been going. She said she's doing fine. Howard said her face is looking thinner already. He also asked her if she's been shitting her brains out. She said she really hasn't.
Robin said she wasn't going to say how much she's lost even though she's been keeping track. She said she didn't want to shock him and said it was 500 pounds. Howard said he wanted to know so she told him that it was actually 15 pounds in one week. Howard congratulated her on that. He seemed to think that was pretty good. He said he could see it in her face.
Robin said that Judith Regan came over for the weekend and they had a good time. That led to Howard talking about working with Judith when he was writing his book. He said that she used to tell him stories about how she'd keep herself hidden from men when she'd sleep with them. She'd hide parts of herself every time and she'd wear a shirt or something like that to keep it hidden.
Howard asked Robin if Judith shit her brains out. Robin said they both got coffee enemas in different parts of the house. It was all three of them giving themselves the coffee enemas. Robin said that it's organic coffee that they use to do that. Howard asked how they get that into their asshole. Robin said you put it into an enema bag and do it that way. Howard wanted to smell her ass to see if it smelled like coffee. Robin said she had a burn in her ass like she had too much coffee after the enema. She said it was like she had too much but it was in the wrong place. She said it was in her colon instead.
Howard asked how the enema thing works so Robin gave him the details about how the bag works. She said she was in her shower laying on the floor to do it. He asked her if she looks at herself and asks how it came to that. She didn't seem to have a problem with it though. Howard wanted to find out why they use coffee so he asked Dr. Roni to come in and tell them about it. She came in and gave them her reasons. Robin also said that you're supposed to hold that stuff inside yourself for 10-15 minutes. Robin said she lasted about 12 minutes. Dr. Roni said Judith lasted about 15 minutes. Dr. Roni said she can last about 10 minutes herself. She said she can feel the pain in her stomach that lets her know that she has to release it.
Howard goofed on Dr. Roni doing an impression of her talking to her partner about how she was scamming Robin and Judith with the coffee enema thing. He was making up new stuff like how she was going to have Robin wear tin foil on her breasts to use as an anti-oxidant. Howard had everyone cracking up with the made-up stories. He was doing the voice of Dr. Roni and her male partner discussing all of that stuff. Artie said that she should write a book about how she can make celebrities do the most ridiculous shit.
Howard played a song parody from Mike Morse where he sings about how Robin found someone to give her a high colonic. He played another one where Richard sings about how she has too much money doing this stuff. In another one Sal sings about her pouring coffee in her asshole.
Howard asked Dr. Roni if she gets a lot of crap out of these people when they take their enemas. She said that they do get some doody to come out. Robin said that she and Judith enjoyed their enemas and they got their energy from them. Robin said her voice was kind of getting kind of raspy and that went away after the enema. She and Dr. Roni talked about some of the other stuff they did over the weekend as far as exercise and stuff like that. Howard went back into his impression of Dr. Roni for a few seconds. Artie said he loves the voice he gave to her partner.
Ralph called in and asked Robin how many of those she took this weekend. Robin said it was just one enema. She said they relaxed, went swimming, rode bikes and did things like that for the rest of the weekend. Ralph was laughing when he heard all of that. Robin said that Judith Regan was wearing a bikini which surprised Howard. He wanted to know if her belly was loose or tight. She said that she wasn't really looking at her that close. Ralph was asking the same questions that they had already asked earlier in the morning so Howard hung up on him. Howard said he was very surprised that Judith was wearing a bikini. He wondered if there was any cellulite. Robin didn't see any. Dr. Roni said she thought she looked great in the bikini and the cellulite isn't there.
Howard asked if anyone took a picture of Judith in a bikini. No one had but Howard still wanted to know what kind of shape she was in. Robin said she looked great and that was it. She said that they had a good time down there at her house just hanging out. Howard said he can't picture Judith in a bikini. He asked Robin to take notes next time so he knows what she looked like. Howard said that coffee enema thing is wild.
Howard said that he had some chicken parm the night she was having her coffee enema. Robin said that's clogging him all up and said ''yuck'' when she heard it. Robin said that she doesn't like food but Howard said if that was the case she wouldn't have gotten as big as she did. Robin said that she's not eating the same kind of crap that Artie is eating as much as she'd like to. She said that when she does eat something, it just sits there. She said she's trying to change her eating habits now so that's what this diet is all about. She and Dr. Roni have discussed the maintenance plan and she will stick to what she's been told to stick to. Dr. Roni told Howard some of the stuff Robin will be eating and it will be a healthy plan. She said she can have eggs and fish after this initial diet is over.
Ralph called back in and said that Robin does like food, she just eats the wrong stuff. She said she never eats pasta like he was saying she did but he claimed she did. Robin said that he's the one who orders that stuff like Calamari and things like that. He claims that she was eating pasta and things like that but she denied it. Ralph said he also pays for every meal they have together. She said that's not true either, it's not every one. He said it's most of them. Howard said that Ralph does order up a ton of food when they go out to eat. Howard said Ralph put him on his diet and that's worked out pretty well for him. Ralph said he tried to get Robin on that plan too but she eats pasta. He claims that she eats bread too but she denied that as well. Howard let Ralph go again and Robin said that while Ralph was eating the last time they were out, she was in the bathroom sick. She said that she wasn't eating any pasta or anything like that.
Howard said that he can't believe that Dr. Roni is still with Robin after this week. Roni said she's going to be around for another day but tomorrow she's leaving for a couple of days. Her partner, James Hester, is going to be there instead. He'll be there to give Robin some support while she's away. Howard wondered if they don't trust her or something. Dr. Roni said that it was just for support.
Gary told Howard that they had audio of Robin getting her colonic. It was actually Richard taking a crap edited to sound like it was Robin. Dr. Roni said that this initial diet will be 21 days long and then Robin will stay on the maintenance program to keep it going. Howard wished her luck with it all and said it sounds good to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Robin if she's doing this because she's going to start dating. Robin said that she would like to start dating a younger man and this could help. The caller told them that they should do a double dating thing with Artie and Robin so they could get Artie to lose some weight.
Another caller said that this is enough of the colonic bullshit. He asked about Artie and if it's true that he's not leaving the show after he said he wasn't going to last week. Artie said that's the official word as of right now. Howard said that he's glad to hear that. Artie said that it's actually a very grey area there. He said he might be dead in 2 months and then he won't have to leave. Howard let that caller go and also thanked Dr. Roni for coming in. He gave her a plug for her book ''21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox'' and went to break after that.
Gary came in and told Howard he actually met Gretchen when he was leaving last week one day. Jon Hein had seen him with her. Howard said when he leaves he has about 50 people coming up to him and he can't remember who they are. He said they all ask to shake his hand too. He said he can't wear gloves in the summer but he'd like to. He tries to do the fist bump instead. Artie said he's converted over to that almost completely now. He said he really likes doing that. The guys talked about how you can look retarded doing that if someone sticks out their hand to shake it instead.
Gary said that cabbie sent a note to him saying that he's done with them now after that last appearance he made. Howard said that he got a note from him and he's whacked out of his skull. Artie said he left there laughing so it couldn't have been that bad. Howard moved on after basically saying ''whatever.''
Howard said that Phil Leotardo getting killed was great. They also talked about Uncle Junior and many of the other things that went on during that episode. Artie said that the guy who plays Pauly Walnuts deserves an Emmy. Howard said he was asked what he thought about that episode and he said it was awful at first but then he started thinking about it and thought that David Chase showed just how crazy it must be to be the head of a mob family.
Howard and the guys talked about some of the things that people were saying about the final episode. Gary said that there was some discussion about how they were all together to possibly get into the witness protection program.
Howard asked everyone what kind of grade they would give the show if they had to. Robin gave it a C, Fred said it was the worst ending for that show and gave it an F-. Gary gave it a D. They continued to talk about the show and all got kind of confused by one of the characters. Artie was trying to fill them in on who they were talking about but no one else knew who he was. He was getting irritated that they didn't know who he was and Howard told him to calm down because this is the kind of thing that's going to kill him. Artie kept going and tried to tell them who this guy was. No one but Artie knew who the guy was.
Howard asked Artie what his grade was for the show. Artie said that he'd give it a B grade. Ralph called in and said that it was clearly an A show and if they don't know who Carlo was, they're clearly not watching the show. Artie tried explaining who Carlo was again but Howard didn't want to hear it. Ralph said that he would have given it an A+ if they had another pivotal scene at the end. He talked about all of the great scenes that they did have and tried defending the show.
Gary said the Daily News had the right headline of ''Sopranos Whacks Fans'' but Artie corrected him on that and said it was actually the NY Post. Fred started to argue with Ralph about the show. Howard told them to stop and then Eric the Midget called in with a message from Johnny Fratto. Eric said that Johnny wanted them to know that he hates that show now that the series is over. Eric said that Johnny can't get through as easy as he does so he had him call in. Eric said he doesn't watch the show himself. Ralph thought that was pretty funny that Eric sits around doing nothing all day and doesn't watch the best show on TV.
Howard got back to the show and talked about how he was going to give it a B+ grade for the final show. He said he really wanted to see some revenge taken out on people and it just didn't happen, but that feeling of paranoia came across so well that he had to think about it and gave it a good grade. Fred was arguing with him and Artie started to get back to Carlo saying that if you don't know the characters, then you can't follow the show. He said that Carlo was a major character in the show and that's why it matters to know who he was. Howard told him it was enough already and they know what he's saying.
Howard asked Eric the Midget if he had anything to add to this conversation. Eric asked if there was an over/under for when Artie was going to fall asleep today. Ralph said that was kind of funny but his delivery was kind of slow. He did an impression of Eric delivering a joke really slow. Eric said he was still there waiting for him to finish his dumb assed joke. Ralph just laughed.
Artie gave the final episode a B grade and said that he thought it could have been better but didn't think it was all that bad. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked the show and how it gave the audience a feeling that they really had been whacked. Another caller said that the ending of that show leaves the opening for doing a movie. Howard said that he doesn't think that James Gandolfini should walk away from playing that character because he's great doing it.
The guys spent a short time talking about some of the other things that were going on at the end of that episode and how they wanted to know what was supposed to happen there. That led to Gary coming in and telling Howard what Kidd Chris told him was going to happen. He said that he was told that Meadow was going to get whacked so he thought that she was going to die in the scene where she was getting out of her car. Ralph said that Gary gets duped all the time with stuff like that. Gary didn't think he got duped at all, it was someone telling him what he heard was going to happen.
A caller told Howard that the end of The Sopranos was actually Tony dying before everyone else so that's why the screen went blank. The guy said that the story was always from his point of view so that's why it went black and there was no music at the end. Jon Hein said that could be the case because there was a line during the show where someone described dying as being fading to black and silence. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that Tony was killed as well and it was all from Tony's perspective so it had to be him dying in that final scene.
Howard said he'd like to think that there was just a black out at the end of the show and they just missed the actual ending. Dominic said he was hitting his TV trying to get the show to come on. Jon Hein said he ran down to see if his other TV was running okay because he thought something was wrong with it. Artie said he watched HBO for another half hour and wished that someone would killed that John from Cincinnati. They talked about that stuff for a short time before Howard said he was going to hang up on Ralph again. Jon Hein had just told Ralph that he'd give the show a B and there was no way it was an A show.
Howard took a call from Johnny Fratto who said that he watched that show for 7 years and this is the way they end it. He said that Ralph giving it an A is just wrong. Ralph told Johnny that he just watches the show with half an eye. Ralph went off on him for not watching the show but Howard told him that's Johnny's life. Howard said that Ralph can't tell someone that he doesn't know the show well enough when he's the actual son of a mob guy. Johnny went on to say that the ending was creative but that's not what he wants to see in that show. He said he wanted to see a TV show and someone getting killed.
Fred said that people say that the show has always been about family but that's not the case. Howard said that he had some thoughts on the show and it was going to blow everyone away. He went to silence for about 20 seconds and then told Fred to go to commercial.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that her daughter called her and talked about the cat and what was going on with that. She said that it was like the cat was looking at a rat during the show and that's what was going on there. Howard said he doesn't know what was going on there and said he thinks that they talked about that show enough already. He said he had a bunch of people on the phone who wanted to talk about it but he was pretty much done at that point.
Artie said that he ended up hating the character of AJ on that show. He said that he was just a loser. He said the kid was a good actor but he hated the character.
Lisa said that they have a story about Bob Levy going up to Canada over the weekend for a comedy show and both Richard and Beetlejuice were drinking a ton. That led to Howard talking about how Bob doesn't need Beetlejuice going to these shows with him and giving him a hard time. Artie said they really don't need Beet at the shows and if they have complaints about him like that, they don't need him there. Richard said he was talking to Bob about that and they can't stop Beet from drinking. Artie said he thinks that if Beetlejuice was booked at Carnegie Hall, he could sell it out no problem. Howard said he thinks he might be out of his mind.
Howard asked Richard about his drinking and told him he's got to take it easy on that. A caller said that he could die from drinking with the drug he's taking for the anxiety thing. The guy said that he's a pharmacist and he knows. Howard said that having 17 drinks in 4 hours is a little excessive. Richard said they cut him off the last time he went to California.
Lisa said that they talked to Topps trading cards about the Hollywood Zombie cards they have out with his image on them. They said that they've done that for a long time now and it's all just a parody. Howard said that they're using his image and that's wrong. He said he hasn't thought about doing anything yet but he doesn't want to sell that kind of bullshit to his fans. He said he's not like Bill O'Reilly. That led to Howard saying that Riley Martin is selling a lot of stuff on his web site(RileyMartin.tv) now. He ran down the list of stuff that he's got on his site like a t-shirt that says ''Uh... Things of this nature.'' There are a bunch of mugs, t-shirts, key chains and other stuff.
Howard said he had some audio clips of Riley to play so he went to those. In one clip a caller asks Riley if he would take Artie's seat on the show if he was offered the job. Riley said he couldn't take that job because he's busy trying to save the world. Another caller asked him if he was going to ask for more pay if Artie leaves because that might free up quite a bit of money. Riley said that he will try to prove himself before then and try to renegotiate his contract.
Howard mentioned that there were two stories in the newspaper this weekend that he wanted to talk about. There was one story about a young girl who had died from using too much of a Ben-Gay type of medication. The kid was abusing it and ended dying from it. Robin said that the girl was using too much of it and overdosed on it. She said she had never heard of such a thing before.
Howard also mentioned that the guy who was put in jail last year for plotting to kill David Letterman's son has escaped from prison. He said that's pretty scary. Howard talked about that story for a short time and explained how the guy ran off and escaped. Robin said they may have gotten weapons as well. She said that they were saying that the last he was seen he was 150 miles away from Letterman's home and they don't think he's heading there.
Howard talked about the Paris Hilton story after that. He said that she basically pissed in the face of the justice system. He said that when it came down to going to court after her probation violation, she showed up late. He said that she didn't take it seriously and the judge called her out on that. He said that they threw her in jail and she was supposed to stay there for 23 days. She freaked out, stopped eating and drinking because she didn't want to shit or piss on the jail toilet. He said that she was afraid of having her picture taken on the toilet or something like that. That led to the Sheriff releasing her early from jail.
Howard said that he doesn't take drunk driving lightly and that's what Paris had gotten into trouble over. He said that she might not be the most dangerous person in jail but it is a serious thing. Robin said that they've put her in the hospital part of prison because of the way she's been acting. She's coming across as crazy so far. Howard asked the guys if anyone is upset that she's in jail. Artie said he hopes that she's in jail for the next 20 years.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that he's got sources who have told him that Paris is a big fan of the show. Howard said that's fine but what she's doing is shitting on the court system and it's just not right. Melrose said that he was outside of the courthouse on Saturday and he's supporting her. He said that she shouldn't be put in solitary confinement. Howard said they have to put her in there so the other inmates can't get to her. Dominic Barbara called in and said that this is nothing compared to what Nicole Richie is going to get for driving the wrong way on a highway while drunk. He said that she's probably going to get 3 or 6 months for what she did. Dominic said that he thinks that Paris could have gotten out if they had let her out on overpopulation problems.
Ralph called in and said that Paris was planning a party that night she got out of jail so that wasn't right either. Howard said that she should be in jail for life. Ralph asked if he saw the coverage of her getting taken to jail. Howard missed it but he had some audio clips from MSNBC where they cut away from a breaking story to go to this ''breaking story.'' They were doing a story about Peter Pace retiring when they broke in to talk about Paris Hilton's arrest. Howard laughed when he heard that clip because it's so ridiculous.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel had one of his guys at the press conference that Paris' people were holding. The guy yells out ''NOOOO!'' when he heard that Paris was being sent back to prison. He played that clip and said that they got credit for that even though it was Jimmy's guy. He played another clip from a news program where they commented on the yelling. Sheppard Smith pointed him out and asked if Stuttering John and ''Baba Booey, Baba Booey'' was up next.
Ralph said the picture of Paris crying in the back of the police car was great. He said ''fuck her.'' Howard talked about Paris' sister going to visit her sister in jail after not talking to her for years. Howard had to hang up on Ralph again because he wasn't making any sense today. Howard said he actually met Nikki Hilton one time at a party and tried to hook Ralph up with her but he wanted to hold out for her hotter sister. Artie said he loves Paris' face and thinks that's the type of face he just wants to fuck. He said he doesn't like her flat ass but that face is great to him. Howard said he thinks that she's losing her looks a bit these days though. He said he had to go to break after that but mentioned they had the guy from Maroon 5 coming in to perform a couple of songs later in the morning. Robin said the guy looks kind of gay but Howard said he's banged a lot of hot chicks from what he's read. They'll talk more about that when he comes in.
Artie said that Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrall, Adam Sandler and other A-list celebrities showed up to this Awards show. He said that Kevin James was there presenting with Adam. He said Adam pulled Frank aside and told him he liked ''Beer League'' so he thought that was nice. Will Ferrall said hi and told him to say hi to everyone. Artie said that the whole thing turned into a big party over there. He said that he didn't get a chance to see Vince Vaughn. He said he was hanging out with Steve-O who had hot chicks all over him. He said that Steve had lipstick all over him from making out with chicks that night. He said he had a blast with him because they were both lit. He said the chick that was hanging with Steve was really hot too. Wee Man was also there hanging out and there were chicks all over the place so he figured he got laid.
Artie said that what they do at those shows out there is try to create an intimate setting. He said that they did this thing where they had hot waitresses walking around. Some of them were famous chicks that he didn't have a shot at. They had Tara Conner there who was the 22 year old who kind of got into trouble when she was in this beauty pageant. She wasn't a waitress, but she was hanging out near them. There was a blonde girl from Nip/Tuck there who he didn't know and kind of said something to her thinking she was a waitress. He said that she was kind of looking over his shoulder not even seeing him though.
Howard asked Artie if he got lucky out there. Artie said that was the thing, no, he didn't. He said that he, Joe Rogan and Dave Attell were all trying to pick up chicks. He said that he's not sure if Dave got laid or not but he looked like he was trying. He said he tried to pick up chicks but he just had no luck doing it. He said that he was staying at the Bel Air hotel out there and he probably could have found a chick who wasn't a 10 there and taken her back. He was going for the 10s though.
Artie said that he and Dave Attell went to a party after the show and there was a couple fuckin' in the middle of this club. It was in the middle of the Roosevelt hotel. The club, Teddy, was really rockin and it was set up with mini-rooms around the pool and the guy and the chick just started fuckin violently there. He said that Tracy Morgan and his entourage were watching and commenting on what was going on.
Gary came in with some pictures of the chicks who were at the award show. Howard checked out the pictures of Steve-O's girl and said that she was hot. They had some of the famous chick pictures as well. Ralph called back in and told Artie he should have been able to get someone there. He said there were 500 girls there, he should have been able to hook up. Artie said that this weekend didn't do too much for his self esteem, that's for sure. Artie said he got laid two weeks ago though.
Artie said that he loved seeing Adam Sandler there at the show. Howard wondered why he never puts him in his movies because he seems perfect for those kind of movies. Artie said he'd never ask him to do something like that. He said Adam was actually in Dirty Work with him though.
Artie said that Carmen Electra was there and danced during ZZ Top's performance. Artie got to introduce ZZ Top so that was kind of cool too. Artie said Carmen was looking really hot dancing like a stripper in a stripper outfit. He said that one of the girls who was dancing with Carmen told him he was very funny doing his act but he wasn't able to find her later on during the night. He said that Carmen presented an award with one of these big UFC guys. He said that ZZ Top was great and then Adam Sandler had suggested that they have Styx close the show so that actually happened.
Artie said that the hottest chick at the show was this Minka Kelly chick. Howard said that Elisha Cuthbert has a great face. He was looking at the pictures from the show and going nuts over a few of the chicks. Artie said that he actually had to go back to his hotel and jerk off that night. He said that he jerked off to chicks that he had met just an hour before. He said that was in his $850 a night room at the Bel Air hotel. He said he had a Kit Kat bar from the mini-bar after doing that. He said he can't wait to watch the show to see how they edit it down from 3 hours. He said he had a blast there with all of the guys.
Artie said that he wanted to get home early on Sunday so he could be home in time for The Sopranos. He said he got in line to check in and saw Elliot Gould standing in front of him. He said he's a big fan of his and he was doing nothing at the time. He said this Mexican woman started yelling at him because he didn't know how to use this self-check in machine. The woman helped him out and Artie had apologize for having his bag in the way. He didn't see him again, he just got on his flight. Then he got on the phone and said that he was talking to his friend about how miserable Elliot Gould looked when he saw him. He said that his friend told him that he was rumored to be a miserable prick to work with. They were talking about his career and his kid and things like that. He and his friend were laughing and then he hung up the phone. He looks forward and sees that the guy next to him was laughing and stuff so he realized that he was talking too loud. It turns out that Gould was probably in the same plane as him. Artie looks around and sees that Gould is one foot behind him staring at him. He said he's not sure that he heard him but he was only a foot away and the guy across the aisle had heard the whole thing.
Artie said that he was really obnoxious on the phone and was goofing on Gould and his son and had no idea that he was sitting right behind him. Artie said he was being really obnoxious and if Gould had stood up and punched him in the face, he would have been fully justified.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she can't figure Artie out because he can't get laid staying in the Bel Air hotel. She wasn't making any sense to Artie or Howard so Howard just hung up on her. He had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Adam if he thinks that it would be hard to get married after having so many hot chicks. Adam said it's not impossible. He said that you shouldn't get married unless you're really ready to do it. He said that it's going to be a few years before he does. He said he's got his girlfriend with him there today and she's been with him for about a year now. He said she's not an actress or a model though. She's just a regular chick. Howard said that one of their interns got all dolled up for this guy today because she knew he was coming in. He said it must be great to have fans like that.
Howard asked Jesse Carmichael from the band how he's doing with the chicks. He said he's doing okay. Artie told the guys that they should do some crazy shit with the chicks like the guys in Led Zeppelin used to do. Adam said they did some crazy stuff. While he was talking they started to play some Zeppelin stuff on the guitar.
Howard asked Adam when he got really big with this current band. Adam said it was probably back in 2004. That's when they started to make it big back then. Howard asked them to play after that since they were talking about the hit songs they've had. They went into their song ''This Love'' which was one of their big hits. It was just Adam on vocals and Jesse on guitar.
Howard liked that version of the song. He asked them if they go out and do that for the fans like that. Adam said they do that once in a while. Howard talked about some of the girls that were on Adam's conquest list. He said that he didn't want to talk about it but Howard ran down the list that included Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Maria Scharapova... Adam denied doing Paris and said that he just met Maria.
Howard asked Adam what kind of crazy things they've done as a band. He said they once played a wedding rehearsal dinner. He said that if they were asked to do a wedding or something for a ton of money, they'd do it no problem because it's not easy to make money doing what they do. He said that they got paid really well to play that rehearsal dinner though. He said that it was more than $250,000. Howard asked Adam if he and Jesse get more money in the band than the rest of them do. They actually break it down very deliberately to make sure they get what they're due.
Howard read through some more names on the list of chicks that Adam is rumored to have banged. He said that Natalie Portman was on the list but Adam said that he barely knows her and she's just a friend. Artie said he'd love to have stuff like that on his resume. He tried standing next to all the hot chicks at the awards show this weekend but it wasn't happening for him.
Howard asked to meet Adam's girlfriend Becky but he didn't think she'd come in. She came in a short time later so Howard said hello to her. He asked her how he met her. Adam said he met her in Vegas when she was a hostess in a steak house out there at the Palms hotel. Howard told Artie that's the kind of girl he needs to meet. Howard said that hostesses are the hottest chicks. Howard talked to her and found out that she was working at the Roosevelt hotel on Saturday when Artie was there. She didn't see the people fuckin there like Artie did though. Howard asked Becky how old she is and found out she's only 21. Adam told her that he thinks she's the most beautiful woman in the universe.
Howard asked Adam if he would dump Becky if she was involved in some car accident. He said he would dump her but then told her he was just kidding. Howard asked him if he'd dump her if she gained 20 pounds. He said that he'd be fine with that and he'd think she was beautiful even with 20 more pounds. Artie said she looks like a young Michelle Pfeiffer. Howard asked Adam what he'll do when she turns 40. He said she's going to be smokin' hot at 40, he's not worried.
Howard asked Adam how long it took him to bang this chick. She said that they slept together the first time they met because they didn't expect anything out of it. He said that they started talking after that and they got to know each other more and more. He said that kind of shit just happens. Howard said she must get hit on all the time though. Adam said it is every day. Howard asked what kind of shoes she was wearing and she showed the boots she had. Adam also said that she had just gotten off a red eye flight an hour and a half ago. Artie said he'd offer her $50,000 to sleep with him if Adam wasn't dating her.
Howard told Adam that Becky is too young to get married. Adam is only 28 so the age difference isn't too creepy. Howard asked if he's seen these people who date people 19 years younger than them... like Howard and Beth. He went on to ask Adam if he wanted to perform another song for them. Becky went back and sat next to Artie while they did that. Howard gave the guys a plug for their latest album ''It Won't Be Soon Before Long'' and then had them perform a cover of The Beatles ''Don't Let Me Down.''
Howard said he liked that harmony thing and he'd love to be able to play the guitar and sing harmony with someone like that. He said they had done a great job with that song. Howard asked Becky about how she must have just gotten out of high school. Adam said that he used to listen to the show when he was like 11 years old so it's really surreal to be on the show now. He said his father used to listen and he's learned a lot from Howard over the years.
Gary came in and said that the Howard TV guys were shooting Becky back there and she had love in her eyes as they were performing. They pull out and you see that Artie doesn't even exist in her world. Artie said that Jason kept telling him to get the fuck out of the way too because he was blocking the view.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Adam about his girlfriend and wondered what could happen in the future if they broke up. Adam said that Becky is perfect and she has natural breasts, no nose job... nothing like that. Artie asked her if she's got any sisters. She said she's got a twin sister who is the opposite of her. Adam said that she's beautiful but she's a brunette, not a blonde like Becky. Howard asked him if he could get both of them in bed together. He said that wasn't going to happen so Howard asked her if she's ever tried any stuff with girls. She said that she may have kissed another girl but nothing all that hard core.
Howard asked Becky if she ever puts on outfits for Adam. He said that she doesn't need to because she's so hot. Howard asked her how many men she had before him. She said that she had some fun out in Vegas. Adam said she didn't have to get into too many details, he was going to pretend that she was a virgin when he met her. Howard wrapped up with them and played a track off his album as he was going to break. Adam said that he didn't want him to play the single from the album because he thinks it's boring. He asked Howard to play ''Can't Stop'' instead so that's what he did as he went to commercial.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who asked if they had a picture of Becky to put up on the web site. Howard asked Jason to get it up there so he could check her out while he was on the phone. Artie said that this chick was a 12 and she was at the party he was at on Saturday night and he still didn't notice her. Howard thought that they had a new way to get pictures up instantly. Jason didn't know if that was working but they were working on getting them up on HowardStern.com as they spoke. He said he'd give Howard the hi-sign when he knew they were up there. He said she only let him take two pictures though. Artie said that he gets bummed out knowing that there are guys who could pick her up and bang her the same night he meets her.
Howard asked Artie if he liked that guy Adam. Artie said he really did. He said that he's heard some jokes about their music that are pretty funny but he liked the guy. Robin asked Howard if he got any big rock star girlfriend when he was dating. Howard said he did get some chicks like that back then. He said that he could give one name and gave out Mrs. Dell'Abate. He said he was just kidding about that though.
Howard thanked Steve for that and moved on to Jon Hein. Jon came in and Howard asked him if he's been playing chess lately because he hasn't seen him much lately online. Jon said that Howard is on another level than he is so he doesn't play with him anymore. He went on to give his Wrap Up Show rundown. Jon mentioned the Maroon 5 performances and also said they'll be talking about The Sopranos discussion they had earlier. They'll also talk about Artie's trip to Los Angeles and his run-in with Elliot Gould.
Howard was going to have Robin read her news but he read through some e-mail first. He read some mail about Artie's Letterman appearance from last week. Some people wrote in and said Artie was great while others gave him shit for being so fat. Some people thought it was odd that Howard's name didn't come up at all during his Letterman appearance.
Howard had one email where someone asked if Robin plays with her titties when she masturbates. She said it depends. Howard said he dated this one chick who would but these things on her nips called ''snake bites.'' He wondered what that stuff does because he figured that they'd just go right in there to the love button. Robin said that the whole area down there can be good. She said that sometimes she can do just the outside area and sometimes inside. It doesn't take her long to get off most of the time. He said he really didn't know that she rubbed her titties because he never thought of her like that.
Howard said that when he does it he just beats off and doesn't rub himself. Artie said that guys just don't do that stuff. He said that they're just gorillas, literally gorillas. Howard said he's got one hand on his penis and one hand on the DVD remote when he does it. He told Robin that he wants to learn more and would love to see Howard TV tape her doing that stuff. That's never going to happen.
Howard read some feedback about Robin Givens' interview from last week. He read some comments about that and then found out that the pictures of Becky were up on HowardStern.com. He picked up Bong Hit Eric and asked him to check her out. Eric was having some trouble finding the pictures. Howard told him he didn't get his web site and the stuff they do on there. He said that Doug Herwitt has been working on that site every day and night for the past 2 years and it just doesn't work. Robin was having trouble getting on so maybe it was from so many people logging on. Howard put Eric on hold again and said maybe he'd try later.
Howard read through some more e-mail about various things that have been going on with the show lately. Robin asked Howard if Eric could get to the pictures yet. Eric said that he was a little bit baked this morning but he didn't think that was why he couldn't get on. Howard said that even High Pitch Eric was able to get it. Eric was explaining how to get to the picture and that led to Artie goofing on him and doing an impression of him. He said that he was at his autograph signing the other day and he looked like a mess. He also said that some guy came up to him and said he was High Pitch's manager and when they were all done he asked him if he wanted to go to lunch and discuss things. He seemed to think that was pretty amusing.
Bong Hit Eric called back in and said that chick was gorgeous. He wondered if she was wearing a bra or not. Artie said he thinks that she was. That led to Howard saying that his fiancé is great at picking out nip slips. He said she noticed a nip slip in Us magazine and wondered how they get away with that. He had Robin get to her news after that.
Artie said that he might be able to get a good deal on shore house that some guy told him about. He showed the pictures to Howard and the house is brand new. It's six bedrooms and 6,000 square feet. Howard said it's a nice looking house but it's very close to the neighbor. He said he's going to check it out today and it's feeling really perfect to him. Artie said that if he gets the house, he'll have a barbecue there. Howard said he can't go because he's not his bro. That led to the two of them talking about inviting each other to parties and how Artie didn't show up one time to one of Howard's parties.
Howard and the guys also talked about their gym class experiences back when they were in school after Robin brought up a story about a gym teacher who had taped up a student's legs which led to him breaking his arm when he fell. Richard Christy came in and told a story about getting spanked with a paddle on his bare ass one time. Howard said he had a gym teacher who would make students stand at attention so long that they'd pass out. One of his friends actually did pass out one day.
Howard played some audio clips from The Tony Awards that aired over the weekend. He said that he doesn't get that whole world and he knows that he'll never get into it. He goofed on some of the performances there and then broke into a song about Clif Palette who passed away last year. He was goofing on one of the Tony Awards performances because the guy was singing about a guy who had died. Howard sang about Clif for a few seconds and then played some of the awful song that Tommy Tune sang. Howard said that he's convince that they're not even technically songs. Fred agreed and said that some of the stuff is just awful. Howard continued to sing some more songs while goofing on the world of theater. He asked Robin if she still goes to stuff like that. She said she does do that once in a while. Artie said he's liked some himself. Howard said he doesn't know why anyone would want to leave their house and go out to see any of those plays. Robin told him he was ridiculous talking like that.
Howard took a break during the news and then had Robin read through a few more stories. Howard took a call during the news from a guy who asked about the satellite radio merger. Howard said that there is a lot of nonsense going on with the merger and it shouldn't take this long to get approval for this. He and the caller talked about the way the NAB is trying to stop the merger because they're so paranoid that they're going to be competing against them. That led to the guys talking about how the prices of satellite radio could possibly go lower if the merger happens. That's going to be good for the consumer which is what the FCC is worried about. Howard said that he thinks that it's all about him and the only reason that anyone cares now is because he's on satellite.
While the guys were talking about Conan O'Brien Artie mentioned that he's getting close to shooting a pilot for a show that would air at like 12:30am on a Saturday night. He said that it's just a script deal at this point so he's not sure what's going to happen. They were talking about how Jimmy Kimmel would probably leave the network if they hired Conan.
Robin read a story about the girl who won the Hottest Regular Chick last week who may have said that she was upset that Gary didn't give her the full $5,000. Gary came in and said that he thinks that it's one of those Chaunce Hayden stories that got through even though it's not true. He said that he spoke to the girl and she had a great time and wasn't upset that she only got half of the money. That was the deal they had from the start and he didn't try to take advantage of her or anything.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
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Howard started off the show talking about some song parodies that he had just been listening to. He had one about his big nose that he may have played the other day. Artie had heard it but Robin didn't remember it. He also said he got some good feedback about the guys from Maroon 5 who were on yesterday. He read through some of that and some people were impressed with their performances. One guy said that the music they were playing was ''fag music'' and there were others who liked it. Howard said he liked their acoustic version of ''This Love'' and played some of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he really enjoyed Maroon 5 and also thought the guy's girlfriend was hot too. He saw the picture of Artie sitting next to her and thought she was really hot. The guy thought that she was like a regular chick but all of the guys said she wasn't regular at all. The caller said she's not a stripper or anything like that. That led to the guys talking about how all hostesses at restaurants seem to be smoking hot. Artie said the girls at Nobu are hot and at Del Friscos as well. Artie said the restaurant is in the same building they work in, Howard had no idea. Artie said it's one of the best places he's been to before.
Robin mentioned that she liked it too so Howard asked how that was possible because he thought she didn't like food. Robin said she can go to stuff like that, she doesn't have to like it. Artie told Robin that he wanted to go see ''Inherit the Wind'' with her sometime and Robin said that would be nice. He's just gotten a date with her so Howard told him that's what he has to do.
Howard took some more calls and got some feedback about the Maroon 5 guys and then played their cover of ''Don't Let Me Down'' that they did yesterday. Howard said he was enjoying the guy playing guitar during that segment. He said he was doing a lot of interesting things during the song. Gary said that the guitar player is actually the keyboardist for the band. Howard said it was pretty insane and a pleasant surprise to have them in.
Howard got back to the song parody he mentioned earlier. He said that this guy wrote the tune to Blitzkrieg Bop and called it ''Big Jew Schnoz.'' Artie said he had heard it before and it wasn't a 10.
Howard said he got some feedback about Robin's diet and someone was telling him he might have to do an intervention with her. He said that he's been asked to do the same for Artie and he actually sat him down one time a while back and did that with him. Howard said that this person came to him anonymously and asked him to talk to her about this diet thing. He refused to say who it was though. He said that this person said that what she's doing is dangerous. He though that Dr. Roni knew what she was doing though so he hasn't had any intervention. That led to him playing a song parody that someone wrote to the tune of The Beatles ''Dr. Robert'' which was renamed to ''Dr. Roni'' of course. The song got a few laughs from everyone.
Howard had another song about Robin called ''Robin Give Me Head.'' It was just a few seconds of that one. There was a ''I Love Dropping Loads'' song parody and one about Artie sleeping where they played the clip of Artie getting waken up by the air horn. Howard said that song was from Steve the Intern. His singing is awful and Howard said that it's just not funny. He put a lot of work into the song too. He played through some of the song which was produced really well. Artie said it wasn't all that bad and thought Howard was being a little rough on it. Howard said he could have done things a little differently and gave him some suggestions. He told Steve to keep working on it and come up with some other songs.
Howard said the Bleeding Deacons have sent in some new songs about Sal and Richard's gay sex stuff. He played through a few of those.
Howard said that he was looking at this ad for a Mont Blanc pen yesterday and he wondered who is using a fountain pen these days. Fred said they write very nicely but they can make a mess as well. Howard said his father writes with one but he's old school. Howard said that he can't imagine writing with a quill pen but that would be pretty funny. He thought about investing in one of these fountain pens to see what it's like. Robin said that they can be very sloppy and the ink can leak out. He said he wouldn't like that. He said he's never written with one though.
Howard talked about his father writing with a pen that he had to dip in a ink well and he seemed to be really into it when he'd do that. They were talking about the Japanese language and how intricate their symbols can be. Artie said that he used to have a joke about going over to Japan and how it took his cab driver a half hour to make a K-turn.
Howard said that a lot of people are canceling their HBO subscriptions after The Sopranos season finale. He and the guys talked about all of the other stuff that's on that channel. There were discussions about how much it costs and how much people might save by cancelling it. Howard said that all of them can afford to have all of those channels. He said he's got so many channels that he knows there are some he's never even seen before.
Howard read a story about Owen Wilson riding over to Scores on his mountain bike and going in. He said he's never seen that before. The guys spent a minute talking about Scores and how great it is. Artie joked that the bike rack over there is made up of old strippers who just bend over and hold the bikes up with their asses. That led to Artie talking about an article he read about one of the alternate scenes from The Sopranos where Pauly Walnuts was rubbed out. That obviously never aired. One of the girls in the scene was a Scores stripper.
Dr. Roni gave Artie some of her drink and told him that she thinks he'll like it. Howard then said goodbye to her and that it had been nice to meet her. He then went into his impression of her talking to her partner about scamming Robin. He was joking about how she had loaded up a U-Haul with all of Robin's stuff while she was staying at her house.
Howard let Dr. Roni go and said that her book must have been one of the last books that Judith Regan put out with her book company. That led to Howard and Robin talking about Judith and what she's up to these days. Robin said she's doing a lot of travel these days.
Artie was reading the back of the book and saw that Dr. Roni said that she's only a phone call away if he ever needs her. Howard told him he should do it and just get on the diet. That led to Artie talking about how he's now the owner of a home at the Jersey Shore. He went and looked at a few houses and fell in love with the one he showed Robin and Howard pictures of yesterday. Robin told him that he's going to have to decorate the house now. Artie said that his mother and sister will take care of that. Artie said that he's right on the corner of two lagoons and it's a great place. He said he's going to have a built in pool and that's the first time anyone in his family has ever had one. He's like a little kid now with this new house.
Howard said he could picture Artie doing all kinds of stuff to the house and that led to Artie talking about how he was going to turn on room into a big media room. Howard said Benjy was sitting there thinking about how he can't even move out of the storage bin he's living in.
Artie said that Ralph called him and asked him when he could move in. Howard said that Ralph is going to wake up one day when he's like 65 and not have a house of his own. He really needs to do an intervention with him. Howard congratulated Artie on the new house and said he had to take a break.
Gary said that he thought the ending of the show was kind of clever but after reading this article it didn't come off that way. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about the show and how it seems like Chase didn't put as much thought into the show as everyone thought. They talked about how angry some people are at the ending of the show. There were a lot of people who were thinking that their cable had gone out right at the end of the show. Gary said he was cursing out his TiVo and his cable when that happened.
Howard said he didn't want to get into a whole long discussion about The Sopranos. He said people should move on and get over it already. He said he's never seen people carrying on so much about a show.
Howard continued playing the clip where Barbara talks about how she got the call from Paris who had called her mother in the middle of her call. Paris called Barbara collect since that's what people in jail have to do. Barbara explained how it all went down and said that Paris told her that she has dropped her appeal to avoid any further problems. Paris apparently told her that she got depressed when she got to jail and felt like she was in a cage. Barbara said that Paris claims that she's a changed person and she's not going to play dumb anymore. She's become more spiritual now and she thinks that God has given her a second chance.
Howard said that he was reading Bill Maher's book where he talks about how God is very inconsistent because he tells Pat Robertson that they shouldn't be in Iraq while he tells President Bush that they should be in Iraq. Howard then pointed out that God is now apparently talking to Paris Hilton.
Dominic Barbara said that what Paris has done is against the rules in prison. He said that her call to Barbara is against the rules because she can't call press conferences and stuff like that. He said that she can't be giving interviews like that. He said that it seems like there's some kind of scam going on there. Dominic said that she's making the sheriff look like a complete idiot because she's claiming she wasn't on any medications or anything like that. Robin said Paris was claiming that she has severe ADD and was on Aderol when she went in and that's what her medical condition was.
Howard got back to the Barbara Walters clip where she talks about how Paris is looking to work with cancer charities and stuff like that when she gets out of prison. Artie asked Howard if that show is something where someone like Joy Behar could come out against Paris and goof on her. Howard said she could do that, that's what Rosie was doing when she was on that show. That wasn't happening during this particular show though. He said that Rosie apparently couldn't take it anymore over there. He said it must have driven Rosie nuts to talk to that Elisabeth Hasselbeck chick. Howard said that he can't imagine dealing with her himself.
Howard got back to the clip where Barbara was talking about Paris and what she's up to in jail. She described what's going on with her and how she can't wear any makeup and hasn't even looked in a mirror since she got there. Robin heard that and said she doesn't think that Barbara was even talking to the real Paris Hilton. Barbara talks about how Paris didn't whine to her when she was on the phone and also said that she claimed she will never drink and drive again. The crowd applauded her when they heard that.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that Dominic Barbara was wrong about the call that Paris made. The prison has control over the calls that go out of there and they could have stopped her from calling if they wanted to. Howard said he didn't know who to believe there but figured that Dominic knew what he was talking about.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that they should take it easy on Paris. She said that her mother had the right to straighten things out if she wanted to. Howard said that's bull and that wasn't helping her daughter at all. She told Howard that there was a lot of stuff that people don't know about the case. She said that no one else is in jail for this kind of thing. That led to Howard saying that she keeps violating her parole, that's why she's in jail and he's glad that she's off the road now. He said that she wasn't put in jail for driving drunk, she was put in jail for driving after her license was suspended. He asked Jessica how much they're supposed to put up with before they put her in jail. Howard said that Paris is a cunt and that's that. Jessica thought that he was being a little harsh on her thought.
Howard said that he can't imagine why anyone would defend what she's done. Howard said he's never broken laws like that. He went over the case and tried to figure out why Jessica would support it. He said that Paris was picked up twice for driving with a suspended license after she was on probation for her DUI. Dominic Barbara called back in to straighten out what they were talking about. Dominic said that what Paris has done is not usually something you'd go to jail for.
Howard said that people who are in the limelight have to watch what they're doing even more than regular people because they're going to get punished for stuff like that. Artie asked Jessica if drunk driving is against the law and if it should be punishable. She said it should so Artie told her that was it, she went to jail after that. Howard said they gave her a few chances before they actually put her in jail. Howard said that he respects Jessica's right to say what she's thinking but he disagrees with her opinion.
Howard let a caller go off on Jessica for a few seconds. The guy was pretty brutal with her so Howard told him he may have gone a little too far. He got back to Jessica a short time later and said that they just can't let people like that keep driving around avoiding the law. Howard said he can't imagine feeling bad for Paris Hilton. He doesn't get that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about how much he's trying to support this company but they might want to come to him and ask him for his suggestions when it comes to advertising and things like that. He said that he got really upset when he saw that Censored thing on the commercial.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that the commercial was showing the SIRIUS dog ripping up the sign that says ''Censored.'' Ronnie said he saw the commercial about 10 times over the weekend and he gets it, it's kind of cool. Howard said he just didn't like it when he saw the word ''censored'' in the commercial. He figured that the average viewer would think it meant he was censored. The Howard TV guys tried to run the commercial for him but he asked them not to do that. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard and Artie also brought up the argument they had about oil and vinegar and vinaigrette on the show one time. Howard said he doesn't think that he and Beth have a problem so he's not sure why they need Dr. Keith to help them out. Artie said that if he thought that Howard was in a bad relationship, he's not sure if he could bring it up to him or not.
Howard said that he was the one who wanted to do this on the air but he didn't pressure Beth to do it. Gary said that she really wasn't pressured, he spoke to her about it and he didn't even have to talk her into doing it. She heard the idea and went with it. Howard got a note from Gary that was from Dr. Keith explaining what they were going to be talking about when they do this thing tomorrow. Howard said that he and Beth don't argue much, they had one major argument down in Florida one time and he ended up closing the door on her so he wouldn't have to talk to her about it.
Howard said that was just a little teaser for what they had coming up tomorrow. He moved on and took some phone calls. One woman said that her cousin is the new receptionist there at the building and she was saying that Ronnie has been hitting on her down there. Ronnie came in a short time later to ask what that was about. The girl on the phone said that her cousin is only 22 years old. Ronnie said that he gave her a cupcake one morning and he's nice to her, is there something wrong with that? Ronnie said that she's a nice girl and he likes her. He said that she's very shy and quiet and he brings her a cupcake once a week.
The woman said that she'd be fine with Artie hitting on her so Ronnie gave her a ''fuck you'' to her when he heard that. Artie said that some of the girls that work out there are really hot.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Maroon 5 was great covering the Beatles song yesterday and he said it might have been one of the best covers of their songs that he's ever heard. That led to Howard replaying the song again. The caller said he had a question for Robin before he got off the phone. Howard kind of rushed him so the guy just said he loves Artie and he hopes he's okay. Howard thanked him for that and moved on to another call. One guy said that the song he keeps playing belongs as the theme song for the ''Who Gives a Shit Channel.''
Another caller said that he watched the Hottest Regular Chick contest and Ralph killed it for his girlfriend. He said she refused to even watch the show with him because of Ralph. Howard said that Ralph did slow him down a little bit that day.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he went through similar things that Paris Hilton is going through. He said he ended up in jail for driving drunk multiple times so he understands why she was put in jail. Howard said Jeff was making a good point. He said that it's not just Paris who is going to jail for doing stuff like that. Howard asked him how his ass is doing but Artie was doing his impression of Jeff while Howard was playing the part of Barbara Walters.
Jeff said his ass his healing and he goes to see the doctor this week. Artie asked him if he's sweating out the morphine yet. Jeff said he's got two left and he's weaning himself off of it. Artie said that was very responsible of him to do that. Howard told him that he can get back to his regular life after that. He let him go a short time later.
Gary came in and asked JD if he's in some crazy kind of credit card debt. He said that he does owe a few thousand dollars. Howard tried to give him some advice about that but JD kept saying ''I know, I know'' over and over again. Gary told him he could have paid off some of that debt instead of blowing that $800 on a stripper. Howard said they have to straighten that kid out. JD was also saying that he was using an ATM machine at the club so there's an ATM fee of $10 for each use. Gary said you can only take out $100 at a time and they charge 10 bucks each time so he spent an extra $80 on ATM fees.
Howard told JD that he's a nerd, he should be spending that $800 on Star Wars junk. He spent a short time talking to JD about the kind of money he spends when he goes there after Ronnie came in and said that JD has done this before. He said that he's spent his tax return money in the past as well. Artie told him to spend the money on coke or something, not on a stripper. He has nothing to show for it now.
Howard found out that JD has a favorite girl at Scores so they talked to him about her. JD said he's not in love with the girl but Ronnie said that he is. Ronnie said that this guy Carlo from Howard TV and JD have fought over that girl before. Howard said it seems like JD is falling into a strange pattern. He wondered if he needs some kind of talking to. JD said he doesn't, he's going to put an end to this behavior. Howard said he could have him into his office to talk to him like he did with Artie. JD just laughed and said he's fine.
Gary came in and said that the guys out in the office are getting pissed hearing this because JD has said he can't afford to go out to L.A. To visit the porn chick, but if he had spent that $800 on a plane ticket, he could do that. JD said he knows he screwed up. Artie said that's the kind of advice no one wants to hear, the kid knows he screwed up.
Miss Howard Stern (Andrea) came in dressed in a bikini. Howard told her that it wasn't the formal interview, they'd get to that later. Andrea said they didn't let her bring her guns up there with her. She said that they have this internet show ''Girls and Guns'' going on and that's what the guns were from. She said they're real guns but she didn't know what they were shooting at. She said that she gets paid to do it but she doesn't start until the 23rd of this month. She said that she's shot guns before but not a semi-automatic gun.
Howard asked Miss Howard Stern if she had her boobs done again. She said they were the same ones she had last time. Howard told her they had to go to break so they could bring Chris Cornell in. He gave her a plug for GirlsAndGuns.com as he was going to break.
Chris told Howard that he was at a point in Audioslave where they weren't getting along and it was getting harder to make music together. He said that people deal with success differently and things change. Howard asked him where he grew up and found out he was from Seattle. Chris said he learned how to read music and stuff when he was young but he felt like it was school so he gave it up for a while.
Chris said that he had a bunch of brothers and sisters so he managed to get himself into trouble when he was a young kid. He said that he was smoking weed and drinking when he was about 12. He said he'd take anything that would come along back then. He said he tried PCP one time and that's what really did him in. Artie said that he smoked a joint one time that had angel dust on it and it was kind of weird and not-so-pleasant. Chris said he swore off that stuff after that. He was only 14 at the time and cleaned up for 2 years or so. Then he started drinking and in his 30s he really started drinking a lot. He had to go through rehab and now he doesn't drink. He said he doesn't do any of that stuff now. Chris said he's really not a miserable asshole now because he's not all hung over every day.
Howard read that Chris' father was a pharmacist so maybe that inspired him to try out all of that stuff. Chris said that's possible. Howard asked him about how he got started in music. Chris told Howard he was really a drummer but he started to learn guitar so he could write some cool songs. Howard said that the women must not have been tough to come by. Chris said that the girls started coming to him almost overnight. It's just being on stage that attracts them. He said that anyone on stage looks good to some women.
Artie asked Chris some questions about Soundgarden and that led to Howard asking him about hanging out with the guys from Pearl Jam. Chris said that Eddie Vedder is one of his best friends and he's really one of the most down to earth guys out there. Chris also said that the guys in Alice in Chains were like The Monkees because they lived in the same out and lived the real Rock Star life. Chris said he wasn't that close to Kurt Cobain from Nirvana though. He said he'd had friends die before that and it was a shame, but he had been through that stuff already. He said it was a drag and wished it hadn't happened. He said that maybe if he had hung on for another 6 months things would have been different.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his new album ''Carry On'' and took some phone calls. One guy said he didn't think that Chris fit in with the guys in Audioslave. Chris said he thought the albums they did were great though. Howard said that it has to be a drag when you have to split up the money with guys like that. Howard talked to Chris about going out on tour with the bands. Chris said it doesn't make a difference to him if he's playing to 2,000 or 20,000 people though.
Howard asked Chris about his wife and found out he met her in France. Chris said she grew up there on Long Island but lives in France now. He said that he can't speak French but he loves living over there with her. That led to Howard asking Chris about his parents and finding out that he doesn't speak to them. Chris said that his parents weren't around for him when he was growing up. He hasn't spoken to them in about 3 years now. He said he sees one of his brothers but no one else. Chris said he doesn't really go back to Seattle anymore.
Howard said that's pretty mind blowing that he doesn't speak to his parents. Chris said he doesn't hate them or anything. He said that they don't try to get in touch with him and he doesn't bother with them. He said they probably don't even know his number. They could get in touch with him if they really wanted to. Robin said that her parents would try to talk to her but she would refuse to talk to them. Howard asked Chris if he'd go to their funeral when they die. He said he might. He didn't sound like he was convinced that he would. Howard wondered if there's any sadness there thinking about how he's not that close. Chris said that they didn't abuse him or anything as a kid but they just weren't there for him. He said he thinks that he's the opposite of his father with his own son.
Howard said that you tend to take on traits of your parents whether you want to or not. He said that he got some stuff from his father that he can't avoid. Howard asked Chris about his divorce and figured he got cleaned out pretty good from that.
Howard asked Chris about getting a Grammy and wondered if he accepted the award. Chris said they did think that they looked like they didn't care even though they really did. He thinks that it's great that they won the two Grammy's they won. He said that his wife had taken them when they split and claimed she didn't have them. She eventually gave them back to him though. He said he had gotten married when he was about 24 and it was right before they hit it big. He said that his first girlfriend stabbed him and his next girlfriend tried to kill herself and her mother so he's had some interesting experiences.
Howard said he heard that Chris had some kind of stalker too so he asked about that. Chris said that's an ongoing thing and they're still trying to find the people who are doing that stuff but it's tough going through the internet to track them down. He's not even sure how many he has but he knows he's got at least one. He said that there are some people who will eventually give up on stalking him and just leave him alone.
Howard said that Chris has agreed to play an acoustic version of ''Black Hole Sun'' so he was going to have him do that. He had a guy come in who they had agreed to let come in to see Chris perform. The guy said he's a big fan of Chris' and called in last week asking to come in and see Chris perform. Howard let him come in to watch and Dave said that he thinks that Chris has helped him get through some tough times in his life. He said that music helps him deal with stuff he's dealt with and it was Chris' music that had helped him. Howard had Chris perform his song ''Black Hole Sun'' after that.
After the song Howard said he was thinking during the song about Chris' parents and how he might have ended up like Hanson if his parents were good to him. He said that all kinds of things were racing through his mind. He asked Chris when he wrote the song. Chris said he was driving home one night when it all came to him. He said the lyrics and even the music came to him during that car ride. Howard said it must be like someone is entertaining him in his head or something like that. Chris said that is kind of how it is and that's how he writes his songs. He said that when he was in Audioslave they would spend a lot of time writing songs together.
Chris talked about the other bands he's been in over the years. They talked about some of the songs he's done as well like ''Spoon Man'' which is one that Howard really liked. Artie asked him if that was about heroin addiction. Chris laughed and said it really wasn't. He said it was about this guy Artie who does this spoon thing out in Seattle and plays spoons. He said the guy is really incredible and appeared in the video for the song. Howard said it's weird when the song is actually about what the title is.
Artie asked if they had anything to do with the videos that Soundgarden did back when they were doing them. He was wondering what the fuck was going on in the video for ''Black Hole Sun.'' Chris said that they just let the director do what he wanted to do and that's what came out. Chris also talked about how he had people trying to lock him down to some acting stuff but he never really did get into it. He said that he was offered the chance to do one movie but he turned it down and didn't see it until a few years later.
Howard took some phone calls for Chris. One guy said he had goose bumps from the song he had just performed. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told him he was great. Another guy said that he's a big fan of the old stuff and not so much for the new stuff. He asked if the Soundgarden guys are performing at all. He said that Matt Cameron is playing in Pearl Jam and one of the other guys has a band called Hater and they're great. He said he still talks to those guys occasionally.
Ralph called in and asked Chris if he could perform Spoon Man for them. Chris didn't think he could do that, he wasn't set up right. Howard said he was going to play a track from the new album. Ralph thought that this guy Dave who was in was kind of a stalker. He said the guy has gone to see Chris like 10 times on one tour and claiming that the music was something that helped him out. Howard said that music can affect you in strange ways. That got Artie talking about how Neil Young music affects him. He was also talking about a Soundgarden song that helped him get through some tough times. He said that the lyrics ''Blow up the outside world'' is what he was hoping would happen back then when he was going through this stuff.
Howard said that Chris is going to be at The Beacon Theater in New York at the end of July so he said he wants to go see that. Dave mentioned that he covered some of Chris' stuff and that's when they found out he's got his own band. Dave got in a plug for his Myspace page which is at Myspace.com/lintband. Howard played one of his covers and Chris told him he sounded good. Howard said it's really not easy to make it as a musician. Chris said it really is tough and he was working at a fish market back before he made it.
Howard thanked Chris for coming in and also thanked Dave. He then said he was going to play one of Chris' new songs called ''She'll Never Be Your Man.'' He tried to figure out what that meant so Chris explained it to everyone. They spent a minute on that and found out it's about a guy who loses a woman to another woman. The guys talked about how that happened to Lou Diamond Phillips. Chris said he had never heard anyone else write a song like that.
Howard asked Chris if he would ever have two chicks in the room at the same time. He said he doesn't think that would be a good idea so he can't imagine it ever happening. Howard played the new song as he was going to break after wrapping up with Chris.
Howard said that Miss Howard Stern was coming in. She came in a short time later and her bottle of Jack was gone. She just bought it last night and she was sounding very drunk. Andrea said that she's been trying to compose herself to represent the show. Howard said she got completely blasted while Chris was in there. She claimed she wasn't blasted. Howard said she was just drinking that stuff straight out of the bottle. Andrea walked a straight line for them but Artie said he wanted to see her topless.
Howard said she could walk this tape line in the studio but she wasn't walking heel to toe. She said that Will was pushing her but he claimed he wasn't. Howard told her to sit down and didn't care if she could walk a straight line.
Andrea was wearing a bikini according to Howard. She also had a holster on to promote this gun shooting thing she was there to promote. She said that she's not nude in it but she wants to be. She said she has a hot, hot body. She said that KC fucked her so she must have a hot body. She said that she's 24 years old now and it's pretty much over at this point. She said she wants to show them her naked body since she is hot. Andrea said she wants more than to show her body for 5 seconds. She said she wants it to be more than that. She said she wants Playboy and she thinks she's hot enough for that.
Howard read that Andrea had an abortion and then had another one within 4 weeks or so. Andrea sat down and told Howard that her 7 year old is a big fan of his and went on to explain how she had this abortion recently and her husband got upset about that. She said that the guy was upset about it but she wasn't ready to have another kid, especially with that guy. She said that she would like to find a guy like KC. She was telling Howard some of this stuff and Artie was laughing his ass off.
Andrea was talking about KC and how she'd love to be with him even though she had been with him already. She said that he's actually managing her now. She was crying as she was talking about it. Howard asked her why she was crying like that. She said that she's not sure if she'll ever have him even though she gets everything she wants. She said that there are things in between them. She said that their feelings are mutual. She said that he flew out there and left his girlfriend behind so he must be in love with her. She said that he really is a great man. Howard said that if he was really into her, maybe he would leave his girlfriend.
Gary told Andrea to tell Howard what it is about KC that she loves. She said that he's never yelled at her or cursed her out. He's always been there for her and has treated her very well. She said she's always been there for him as well. Robin asked when they were there for each other. Andrea said that they see each other as much as they can. She said that she would marry him today if she could. She said if she got pregnant from him, she wouldn't get an abortion.
Andrea said that she was dating an 18 year old after she got divorced and she got pregnant again and had to have another abortion. She said she couldn't believe it when she found out she was pregnant again. She said the doctor told her that she was and she had to get another abortion. She has birth control but it must not work. She said she even uses condoms.
Andrea said that she's not sure what she's going to do about KC. She said that she would like to be with him but he's too busy worrying about supporting himself. She said that if she had her own reality TV show, she could afford to be with him. She said that she thinks she'll end up like Anna Nicole Smith in 10 or 12 years. She said if she had her own reality TV show, which she'd like on In Demand, she could do a great job. She said that she'd like it on there so it can be real. She said she could curse on there if it was on In Demand. Howard said he might have to talk to the Howard TV guys about that.
Howard heard that Andrea got her vagina pierced so he asked to see it. She got a tattoo down there too so she showed it to Howard. He said it looked like a heart over her ''vagine'' and her hood was pierced down there too. She said it's such good sex with that pierced down there. She said that she lives for doing stuff like she's doing now. She said that KC got her the job with the Girls and Guns thing.
Artie mentioned that Andrea has murdered two babies so far. Andrea said it's actually four. She was there with another woman who the guys were saying was really hot. Theresa came in a short time later so Howard asked her what she was doing there. Theresa said that she does the casting for the Girls and Guns thing. She cast Andrea for the part she has in it. Howard said he doesn't get the guns and girls thing. Andrea had her head phones off for a second so Howard asked her what was wrong. She said that she had overdosed on Meth and said that someone had shot her up. She didn't say who had done that to her though.
Andrea whipped out her boobs for the first time ever. She said that she didn't care anymore and showed them to the guys. She then started licking her nipples for them. Howard got back to Theresa and asked her what was going on there. Theresa said they're going to take out some extra insurance for her when she comes to work for them. Howard gave them some plugs for this web site GirlsAndGuns.com where Andrea will be showing up at the end of the month. Theresa told Howard they're going to have her shooting guns so Artie told her that was a great idea. Andrea was also saying that her ex-husband is trying to kill her but Howard said that he found that hard to believe.
Howard asked Andrea if she could fuck Artie. She said that she can't fuck him because of her morals. She said that she has to fuck guys that she wants to fuck. She said that she's never fucked a guy she didn't want to. She bragged that she's never had an STD because of that. Artie said that she's had like 18 abortions though.
Howard gave Theresa another plug for this GirlsAndGuns.com web site and talked about that a little bit more. Andrea whipped out her boobs again. She went on to say that she really wants to be in Playboy and thinks she's hot enough to be in there. She said she wouldn't go in as a model, she'd only go in as Miss Howard Stern. Artie asked if they could see her asshole because she wasn't being all that revealing today. Andrea asked if he really wanted to see it and bent over to show him. She then asked for a hug from Howard and tried to kiss him. He told her he couldn't do that because he's engaged to Beth.
Gary asked if they should get her to ride the Sybian since she's doing everything else today. She said that she'd do anything he wants. Howard told the guys to get the Sybian out for her then and asked her to be genuine on it. She got on the machine and Gary told her what was going to happen. She told Gary where to keep the speed at. Andrea said she was feeling something and so Howard asked her to make some noise if she wanted to. She said she was going to do it but acted it out instead of just letting it happen. She was moaning and saying ''Oh yeah'' and some other things. Howard told her she was a good actress with that and wrapped up with her a short time later. He told her not to kill herself, she must have something to live for. She started to cry again. Howard told her that she'll always be Miss Howard Stern. She then put the word out to Charlie, Miss Black Howard Stern, that she'll always be Miss Howard Stern.
Ralph called in and goofed on Andrea's fake orgasm and said it was probably the best Sybian ride ever. She started to do it again for them and Ralph said she sounds like a retard. Isaac from Howard TV asked if she would get off if they put up a picture of KC for her to look at. Andrea was bragging about being a great actress but Ralph kept goofing on her saying that she was a great actress but making her awful fake orgasm sounds like she was retarded. Howard was trying to end the interview but Andrea kept going telling him how much she loves him and saying that he's ''the fucking shit.''
Gary congratulated her for not coming and getting drunk and sloppy like she said earlier in the morning. He was being sarcastic of course because she was a mess. Howard went to break a short time later.
Artie told Howard that he'd be better off doing his own movie instead of doing someone else's. Howard said he gets offered some weird bullshit parts and he's not sure what he'd do.
Steve said that Bob Levy and the Miserable Men Show will be back on Sunday nights from 6-8pm starting this weekend. Steve also got in some plugs for Jackie's Joke hunt and Riley Martin's show which air tonight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had just seen Beth on Regis and Kelly this morning. Howard said he forgot to mention that. The guy said that she looked amazing this morning. The guy said that Beth did good and talked about the dog adoption thing and about living in the same building as Regis. The guy asked to get a tour of the studio so Howard gave it to him since he had kissed his ass so well.
Jon Hein came in and said that they'd be talking about Miss Howard Stern's visit today. They'll also talk about Chris Cornell's visit. They'll also talk about JD's visit to Scores where he blew $800. Howard wrapped up with them and had Robin start her news. They started her off with the Ham Hands guy's reenactment of the 1996 song parody he sent in about Robin.
Howard read one e-mail where the guy said he canceled his HBO Monday morning. Howard said he can't see doing that unless he was part of some movement where everyone wanted to cancel. Robin read that they had about 11 million viewers on Sunday night so that was a big rating for them.
Ralph called in and bragged that Mark Tinker had called him last night and told him he was right that it was a great ending for the show. Fred said that means that we can expect to see some more awful endings to shows if that's the case. He also said that's probably why the guy from ''Lost'' said that the ending was great because he probably can't come up with an ending for that show and will pull a similar stunt.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard was going to end the show but Artie had a plug. He said he's going to be up in the Massachusetts area doing a comedy show on August 3rd and 4th. He said that you can check out his web site Artie-Lange.com for more information. Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about Dr. Keith Ablow coming in today to council he and Beth. Artie said that is the most fascinating radio bit he's ever heard of but he thinks that it's going to ruin Howard and Beth's happiness. Robin asked Howard why he thought it was going to be interesting and hopes that he's going to be open and cooperative. Howard said he will do that. He said he saw Beth this morning and she told him she doesn't want him bringing up details of their sex lives.
Howard said that he and Beth were in the middle of making love last night, not just having sex, but making love, and she asked him if they should talk about having sex the night before. Howard told her that they should. He said that if it gets boring with Dr. Keith, they'll just have to bring it to an end. Artie was trying to tell him something and Howard cut him off saying this microphone was sounding kind of off today. It wasn't Artie, it was the microphone that was a little off. They played around with some Mike Walker audio clips where he keeps saying ''hello'' over and over.
Howard said he loves the phone calls that the guys make using audio clips of people talking. He said that Richard took some Steve Langford audio clips and prank called a guy using those clips. He called a newspaper company and told him that he had some issues with the newspaper delivery boy and put his ''dad'' on the phone. His dad was Steve Langford audio clips. Howard said it's so mean when they do stuff like that. In the clip Steve talks about how he didn't record this fight he saw going on. The paper guy argues with the clips for a short time and tells him to come down there and they can fight it out there.
Howard said that he went around singing ''Black Hole Sun'' all yesterday. He said after Chris Cornell sang it he couldn't get it out of his head. He asked Artie if he was doing that at all. Artie said he loves the song but it wasn't stuck in his head. He had a mouth full of food when he said that so Robin goofed on him about that. Artie said he was storing nuts for winter. Howard asked Robin when she last ate solid food. She said this is the 11th day without any. She's still on her diet.
Howard asked Fred what he thought about that performance of ''Black Hole Sun.'' Fred said it was great and he also thinks that his voice is one of the best in rock these days. Howard replayed the performance after talking to Fred about it.
Howard said he was walking around singing that all day long but he really has no idea what the fuck he's singing about. Robin said that's one of those songs that you just make up your own meaning and don't care about what it really means. Howard said they got a lot of nice comments about that song so he read through some of the e-mails. One person said they've had some great guests lately. There was one person who said that Howard was kind of weird because he tells some people that they shouldn't go out on their own but then told Chris that he was doing the right thing for going out solo. Howard said that it's all about assessing your abilities and someone like Andy Richter shouldn't have left Conan O'Brien's show. Howard said that he's not even so sure that Chris should have left Soundgarden because he's not very familiar with Audioslave's stuff.
Howard continued to play the clip where Riley talks about the power that the aliens have and how they've caused the black outs in New York City when they knocked out the power with their power flux line or something like that. He said the aliens could do that to the whole world if they wanted to but they haven't done that so far.
Howard and the guys goofed on Riley's pronunciation of a few words. Howard said they really love their science fiction stories. He said that Gary Garver went out to a Star Wars convention and got some interviews. He had Gary get Gary Garver on the phone so he could talk to him about that. Garver interviewed one guy who stayed in his helmet while he was being interviewed. He was muffled and could barely hear Garver's questions. Garver asked him what character he was playing and if he had picked up any girls in his costume. The guy claimed he had.
Howard played another clip where Garver asked another character, Darth Nihilus, about his character and then asked him if he lives at home with his mother. He also asked him if he feels gay for being into Star Wars. The guy started to get angry with the questions and asked Gary the same things. The guy said that Garver was acting like an asshole. Garver shot back at him saying he was an asshole for dressing the way he did. Howard told him that maybe he shouldn't goof on people and just interview them. Baba Booey told Howard that the character was from a video game, not even from one of the movies.
Howard played another clip where Garver interviewed another guy in a mask. The guy didn't like the line of questioning and told Gary that they were retarded. The guy walked away from him after a couple of questions that he didn't like. Garver said that the guy was dressed up like one of those Stormtroopers. Howard said that he should just let the people answer their questions instead of goofing on them the way he was. He wouldn't even let the people answer anything without goofing on them. Howard told Gary he's really not better than these people because he's done some strange things in his life as well. They brought up how his ex-wife was saying that he was stalking her. Garver said that wasn't true and he never did that. He said he wasn't stalking her, he was just talking to her.
Howard and the guys talked to Garver about the bible passages he was writing out and how odd that was. Garver said he was doing that for himself, not for his ex-wife. He was going through some tough times back then. He hasn't been going to church that much these days but he still reads the bible. They were saying that Garver is a really angry guy but Garver claims he's not. Howard said that a lot of angry guys read the bible like that. Garver insisted that he's not angry. Then they brought up how he beat up his brother out in Las Vegas one time. Garver explained that and said he deserved it. Howard told Garver that he should probably study the way of the Jedi to keep himself calm. Garver said he likes Star Trek better so that probably won't happen.
Fred told a story about how his brother used to beat him up when he was a kid. Howard told him to go beat him up now since he boxes as a hobby these days. Fred said he thinks they're too old for that now. Gary (Baba) also had a story to tell about seeing a fight one time between a couple of sisters. He said it was a full on, hair pulling fight.
Gary told Howard that the one guy they had just listened to was this character Jango Fett (he was saying Jingo) so Howard spent a couple of minutes going over that. Richard came in and told them some stories about how Jango is the father of Boba Fett and filled them in on the details. He also said that the character Darth Nihilus in that video game doesn't even talk, he just makes a series of noises. Artie said it would be great if they had a Howard Stern Convention where the fans dress up as the characters from the show. They mentioned some of the names of the people who have been mentioned on the show over the years and how the more obscure they are, the cooler they'd be. Howard said it would be great if there were like 30,000 Howard's and only one JD.
The guys threw around names like Dead Air Dave and Andre who were the guys who pushed the delay button over the years. There was Luis the Board Op, Cabbie, Bucky, Tom Chiusano, Kathy Tobin. Artie said that someone could be Gary Garver.
Richard asked Garver how many people have signed up on his web site. He said he's got about 5 subscribers right now. He said that it's only $5 a month so it's not all that bad. He's got video clips up there and he had Blue Iris on recently. He said he's had Penthouse Pet Charlie Lane on with him and she's going to be co-hosting the show with him soon. He said the shows are put up for free over there. He's got other exclusive clips of his interviews there for the paid subscribers.
Richard said that Gary should just fight people on there because he's so angry. Garver asked why they think he's so angry. Howard said that he was antagonizing those guys so he could have just let them be. Howard gave Gary a plug for his web site GaryGarver.com and let him go.
Doug Goodstein came in and said they could put together something for Howard TV and actually have this convention. Howard said they might have to do it. Robin said that they could have the people like Beetlejuice show up for autograph sessions. Howard told Artie to be Ed Torian the lie detector guy. Howard said he might have to be the guy who does the Oprah Winfrey Negro Woman from the South thing. Robin said she could be that woman who cries and asks to be a star. Gary said he tried to get a hold of her but her number has been disconnected.
Lisa came in and said that she can't wait for Dr. Keith to come in this morning. She said he should go around the room and figure all of them out. Howard said that Sal must be having some real issues with his wife because he refused to bring his wife in today. Sal came in and said that they almost got divorced last month and now they're going to counseling and things are getting better. He said that they had ''veered apart'' and a lot of shit went down and things got really heavy.
Sal said he got a mystery call from someone and thought that she was cheating. He said that she had developed an emotional relationship with another person but she claims that she didn't do anything physical. Artie said that the guy probably wants to fuck her even if she's not doing anything. Sal said he's known this guy for a long time and she used to work with the guy. Sal said he took his wife for granted and that's what he's learned in therapy. He said that she's still not blowing him but they are getting along.
Sal said that they were driving to therapy one day and he told her that his problem is that he wants her to blow him and he can't get that. He said that he's been trying to give her emotional support and that's apparently what she needs according to the therapist. That led to the guys goofing on Sal for sitting and listening to his wife's problems. Sal said that he has a hard time pulling that stuff off, listening to his wife and all. He said that he'd come home from work and his wife would ask him what he did. He didn't want to talk about it so he'd just say ''nothing'' and try to avoid it. Artie said that not getting sex is a major thing in a relationship so he can understand him being upset.
Howard asked Sal if his wife is blowing him now. Sal said ''not yet'' so Howard said that a chick wants you to act like you did when you first started dating them. Sal said that it's tough because she won't give him oral but she could go right out and blow another guy if she felt like it. He's there to support her and she won't blow him. Sal said his wife was saying she won't give him sex because he hasn't earned his reward yet.
Gary came in and said that Sal told him that his therapist told him it might take two years to get them back on track. He said he told Sal to find a different therapist. Howard asked him if it's a guy or a woman. Sal said he found an ''old Jew broad.'' He said that they have started to have sex lately but he's still not getting blown. Howard told him that he should have come in with Dr. Keith Ablow, that would have been great. Howard said he thinks that he and Beth are going to be boring but the other guys don't think that's the case.
Fred said that he was reading a list of the things that couples fight about most and Sal probably has all of them on his list. Howard and Beth don't have many, if any of them on their list. He said the things were Money, Sex, Work, Children and Housework. Howard and Beth don't have to worry about any of that stuff. The guys spent a few minutes talking about all of that stuff and got back to Sal and his wife. Howard asked Sal why he buys that his wife didn't go out and cheat on him. He said he'd demand that he get the blow job immediately. Sal said that all he wanted was to get his wife back no matter what happened. He said that he just wanted what he had when he first met her. He said he really loves her and he just wanted that stuff back.
Howard asked Sal about this other guy that his wife had been communicating with. He said that she was on the phone and emailing this guy a lot. He said on Mother's day he presented her with all of the stuff he had collected. Sal said that she had said that she loved the guy in an e-mail so he asked her about that. She said that she loved him as a friend, that's it. Howard said that the guy isn't the problem though, she's the one who is acting on it. Sal said that they've led him to believe that he was the one pushing his wife away so whatever happened in that relationship is in the past and he doesn't care.
Gary said that the guys back there are saying that it seems like Sal has been brainwashed into thinking that whatever she did was his fault. Artie said that's the way it seems to him. Robin told Sal that she's proud of him for going through this stuff which didn't seem to be the same thing Artie and Howard were saying to him.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that whatever he's learning now can only help him, even if he ends up getting divorced. He also said that the most interesting thing is that he brought up all of this stuff on Mother's Day. He said that he could have done it on any other day of the year. Sal said he was going to do it on that Saturday but his son had his communion. He said that he waited until that night after the kids were asleep.
Sal said that he's such a mess right now that he hasn't even been masturbating lately. He isn't visiting the booths or anything like that right now. Howard said that Sal probably has a clit down below now because he's been emasculated. Dominic asked how many therapists they have. They have just the one right now but Sal said that his wife is like another one. Dominic told him to get a therapist of his own to talk to because this single therapist is hearing stuff from both of them.
Sal said that this therapist costs him $135 per hour so he just sits there and listens to the two women babbling. King of All Blacks called in and said that it seems like Sal's wife just doesn't like him anymore. He said that this therapy shit is something he doesn't believe in. He seemed to think that she just doesn't like him and they should move on. Another caller said that his wife ended up having a one night stand with a mutual friend of theirs but they're still together. He said that he was being a total dick to his wife and now he realizes that. The guy said the guy was a friend of his so it was really hard to go back to having sex with his wife. He said there was no emotional tie to that guy though.
Sal said that it was just weird laying there next to his wife knowing all of this stuff. Howard asked him if the guy visited his house while he was at work. Sal said no to that but he didn't sound so sure about that. Gary told Howard that Sal went through and found all of this stuff that his wife was doing an found this code ''143'' in the email and discovered that it's a code for ''I Love You.'' The 1 is for I, the 4 is for the four letters in Love and the 3 is the 3 letters in You. He said that's how he found out about that and confronted her on it. She said that it's just a friendly kind of love and she's not in love with him.
Sal said that she still sees this guy at work so that's another issue they have in therapy. He said that he told his wife to end the relationship and she did that but then she thought that the guy was going to kill himself so she didn't know what to do.
A phone caller told Howard that he did something similar to what Sal's wife did. He said that it was probably more than an emotional affair. Sal said he doesn't care about that, he knows what he did was wrong not paying more attention to his wife so he just wants to move on. Robin said that Sal is impressing her more than she ever thought he could. Sal went on to say that the therapist told him to let his wife go ahead and say goodbye to this guy the way she really wants to. Sal said he's trying to do the right thing but he didn't want to let her do that. The caller said that his wife should have just told him what he was doing wrong instead of doing what she did.
Sal said that he loves his wife dearly and he's doing what he can to get things back to where they were. He said that he thinks that they're really bonding at this point and he doesn't want to screw it up. Howard said he kind of knew about this but didn't want to talk to Sal about it off the air personally. Robin said she did notice that Sal hadn't been on the air much lately. Gary said that Sal was really rocked when all of this went down and he actually wanted to take him and hug him when it all went down.
Gary asked Sal if he told his wife he was going to talk about this on the air. He hadn't so Gary wondered if there were going to be issues. Sal wasn't sure but he didn't seem to think there were going to be any problems. Howard told him to ask her if she would come on with Dr. Keith Ablow later this morning. Sal made the call and his wife said she didn't want to do it on the air. Sal tried to ask her if she wanted to talk to Howard now. Sal told her to go back to sleep a short time later. Sal said that she might be interested another day, but not today.
The guys noticed that Sal had a twitch going on while he was talking to her. Sal said that women can have that effect on guys sometimes. Howard told Sal that he seems to be taking the high road and being smart about it. He had to hand it to him for doing that. Sal said he knows he was no angel but he wants to make this work so he's trying to do that. He said he'll never understand women even after all of this. Howard said that's understandable. Howard asked Sal if he wanted Richard to come in and lick his balls. Sal said that would be fine. Richard came in a short time later and started to kiss Sal's neck. Richard said the ball licking thing isn't sexual to him. He said they might have to go further than that to make it more special. Robin said that was nice, at least someone wanted to blow him.
Lisa said that they have a story about Jackie the Joke Man dating a woman he met through a dating service. They will have more on that today. They also have a story about Ralph getting on SFN to post hundreds of posts about The Sopranos. They'll also have a story about Steve Grillo claiming that he was going to take care of some interns at the bar he works at and not coming through with the money. Howard thanked Lisa and said he had to take a break after that.
Richard said that Roger really loves movies and it's sad that he can't talk about them on the show now. He said that Roger still has suggestions for the show but they communicate on paper. He said that Roger still interrupts him and tells him he's wrong, he's just doing it on paper though. Howard said it must be tough arguing with him when he's writing on paper. Richard said he ends up talking to him loudly even though he hasn't gone deaf.
Howard said that Richard started doing the show with guest reviewers and he's not sure why he'd do that. Richard said they wanted to do a mix of people on the show so they brought in people like Jay Leno which was very important to the show. Robin asked if the Hollywood stars would rip into the movies. He said that Harold Ramis was great and had no problem ripping into them. Richard said people realized that the job wasn't so easy when they appeared on there but Harold Ramis was just the opposite and asked him ''You call this work?''
Richard talked about John Mellencamp doing the show and how he really didn't know who the actresses were that he was seeing and that he wasn't going to bad mouth any of the movies. Richard said that Jay Leno did bad mouth some of the movies so that was a good thing.
Howard asked Richard if he thinks the show is jinxed and that anyone on the show is going to get sick. Richard said he didn't know that it was a rumor and he hadn't thought about it. Howard told Richard that he was a great judge on the Howard Stern Film Festival and then went on to ask him what he thought about The Sopranos final episode. Richard said something about how smart people liked it and the rest didn't. Fred took offense to that and went off on Richard saying that the last show was a cop out and it was bullshit that David Chase didn't come up with an ending for the show. Richard said that's the genius of David Chase because he just got Fred to say more words than he's ever said before.
Richard and Fred went back and forth on The Sopranos thing and then Howard broke in and said that the episode was good but they could have made the ending a little better. He said they probably could have just stopped it at the Uncle Junior discussion. Richard said he'd give that final show an A grade. He said they had a lot of great things going on in the show and he liked it. The guys all kept arguing about all of that stuff for a few minutes.
Howard said that Artie sent him a thank you note after his review of ''Beer League'' and wondered if Richard had ever gotten something like that before. Richard said it was a very nice thing and it's not the first time. He's heard from actors and directors before so it's not the first time. He said Artie's letter was the funniest one he's ever gotten though. Howard asked him if he would have given the movie a bad review if he didn't like it. Richard said he absolutely would have. He said he didn't let his personal relationship with the show get in the way of his review.
Richard said that he gave Spider-Man 3 a thumbs down and explained that to Howard. He said that Beer League exceeded what he expected it to be so that's why it got the thumbs up. He went on to read some of the letter that Artie sent to him and said it was very nice. He threw in a joke about how he knew that he had to go recommend Babel on DVD to his viewers.
Howard asked Richard about the new Fantastic 4 movie that's coming out. Richard said that he's kind of on the fence about the movie at this point. The characters are still a little too jokie in the movie. They talked about that movie and also about The Transformers which is one that Richard hasn't seen yet. He doesn't get why they even made that movie though. Howard said he wanted to look forward to the Fantastic 4 movie but Richard made it sound like it was just okay. Richard said he's looking forward to the next ''Bourne'' movie (The Bourne Ultimatum) that Matt Damon is in. He said he's turned out to be very good in all of those movies so far.
Richard said that the movie ''A Mighty Heart'' is a great one and Angelina Jolie's performance is Oscar worthy. Howard said he will never see that movie. He said he still hasn't seen ''Sophie's Choice'' or ''Shindler's List'' and he never wants to see them. He said he can't take the emotional movies like that.
Howard was asking Robin to make choices like Sophie's Choice. He asked her to pick him or her nephew. She picked her nephew. She picked Fred over Artie and then picked Gary over Fred. Howard asked her one last one which was Benjy or her beach house burns down. She said she loves her beach house. Richard started laughing when he heard that one. Robin was going to take her beach house over Benjy.
Howard gave Richard some plugs for At the Movies web site AtTheMoviesTV.com. Ralph called in to say it was nice to hear that they had someone smart like Richard on. He said that because he had given The Sopranos an A grade himself on Monday. He then asked Richard about the show they did with John Mellencamp and why they had him on. Richard said that Ralph was apparently sleeping 10 minutes ago when they talked about that. Howard hung up on Ralph.
Howard said that Eli Roth was in there the other day talking about how he thinks that Richard loved the movie ''Cabin Fever'' but then gave it a bad review. Richard said that Eli heard that from someone and he would never do something like that. If he liked the movie he would have given it a positive review. He said he gave a good review to Coyote Ugly so he obviously gives reviews that people might not agree with.
Howard asked Richard if he's still seeing that hot Asian chick he brought ton the show with him. Richard said they're still good friends but they're not really seeing each other exclusively. He said that she's very young and he's not.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Richard if Roger has ever given him the ''buttery bird'' which no one got. The guy meant that Roger had his popcorn on his lap and his penis sticking in there. The joke didn't go over very well. Howard took another call from a guy who brought up The Sopranos again and had everyone confused about it. Howard said that couldn't be the last phone call he took so he took another one. The woman said that she loves Artie and that she loved his movie ''Beer League.'' Howard hung up on her before she could say much else.
Howard had an audio clip from a show where Howard asked Richard's girlfriend if she ever brings chicks home for him and she admitted that she had. Howard then asked Richard if the tattoo on his arm was new. He said he'd had it about a year now. He said that he got it from the L.A. Ink people. Howard told him that he's not the type to have a tattoo like that. Fred said he liked it and so did Robin. Howard said he likes it but it doesn't match who Richard is. It would look good on Artie's arm or someone like that.
A caller asked how Richard gave Artie's movie a good review. Howard said that the movie was good but the caller said that it just sucked. He said that his stand-up sucks and so did his movie, but he's the best on the show. Richard told Artie that he was great on Letterman last week. He actually thought it was Conan, but he knew the stories that Artie told on the show and it was Letterman. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later.
Fred told Howard he had to do a live commercial so Howard went through that even though he'd gotten back to the show. After the commercial he said that Wendy the Retard has been leaving a lot of voice mail messages for them. He said she left about 50. He played one where Wendy was singing a song parody to the tune of a Van Halen tune. She was singing about Howard in that one. Howard said he had a montage of the other messages she's left and she's singing a different song in each and every one of them. It was one after the other.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said that was some funny stuff from Wendy right there. Howard played a few more clips and said that they should have a channel dedicated to retard music. Eric told Howard that Beth looked great on Regis and Kelly yesterday. That led to Howard talking about that a little bit. He said she really knows how to dress for stuff like that. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said the same thing. She thought she looked great. Mariann asked if she could hold on just in case she had to comment on the Dr. Keith Ablow thing. Howard put her on hold and got back to a few Wendy the Retard clips.
Howard asked Beth to talk about the note she sent to Dana and how she didn't write back to her. Beth said that she didn't hear back from her in the past 2 weeks. Artie said he could reach out to her and ask her why. Beth said he didn't have to do that. She just wanted to find out how she was doing and got worried. Artie said that this time of year is kind of hectic for Dana so she might not have time to get back to her. Howard said that Beth does everything right.
A phone caller told Howard that Beth is perfect for him because she's out making her own money and not just sitting at home spending his. Beth told Dr. Ablow that she and Howard just got engaged and she's not sure why they're going to open up a can of worms like this. Howard said that maybe they should find out now if there are any issues between them. He said that he's been told that it's not normal for a couple not to argue but he thinks that it's fine.
Beth was saying that Howard does walk on her white carpet with his dirty boots and she just deals with it. She lets it go even though it really annoys her every time he does it. She said that's the only thing on a daily basis that irks her. Howard said that's not true and she is irked by him when he doesn't listen to her when he's playing chess. Dr. Ablow was telling Howard that Beth is doing this thing 7 years in and justifying him dirtying up the white carpet and he wasn't hearing Howard saying he's sorry.
Howard said that she's right though. He said that the boots he wears are very hard to lace up so he just wears them and doesn't take them off before he goes to say hi to Beth. He said the carpet never should have been white to begin with. Beth said he loves that carpet though. Dr. Ablow said that he thinks that she should tell him not to walk on the carpet. She said she does that sometimes.
Beth said that she has ordered a different color carpet for that area to take care of the problem. Dr. Ablow said that's not a solution to the problem though. Howard went on to say that he thinks that they should be equals in the relationship and he's not sure if Beth thinks that she is equal. She said that she does feel that way so Howard said there are no problems then. Dr. Ablow went on to talk to the two of them about how fast Beth changes her tune with Howard. Howard said that neither of them can stand to have any anger in their relationship.
Robin was sitting there biting her tongue. She asked Howard if he and his first wife fought in their marriage. Howard said that they didn't so Robin said that now they see what happens if you don't. Beth asked him if that was true. Howard asked ''Who can fight with me?'' The guys all pointed out that's why no one will fight with him.
Beth asked Howard what he doesn't like about her. He said that he was upset with her for getting a massage from a guy that one time. Beth said that was two years ago though. Beth then said that she's perfect for Howard because she doesn't do anything wrong. She said she doesn't cause him any stress. Howard asked her why she feels she has to be perfect. She said she doesn't feel she has to be perfect, she just feels that things have worked out and she is perfect for him.
Beth told Dr. Ablow that she goes out about once a month on her own when Howard has to sleep and she can tell he's not so happy about that. She said that she doesn't mind that but if she was a normal 34 year old who was going out every night, then she'd be worried that she wasn't perfect. Howard asked Beth if he's ever told her not to go out. She said that he hasn't but he has said that he's going to get back at her by going out with his friends. She said that they're laughing when they say that stuff. Howard said that he is a puppet master and doesn't want people leaving him so he likes to have control over that.
Howard said that he wants to be with someone at night and he wants them there with him. He admitted that he's a sick man and he wants someone there to remind him that he's there, not that they're there. He said that he knows it's going to be tough when Beth goes out and he doesn't give her a hard time. Beth said that he does get back at her for doing stuff like that by not eating with her or something like that. Beth said that she can't really enjoy her evening when she goes out.
Howard asked Beth if she thinks that he's really the right man for her. He also said that he knows that he's hard to live with and Beth is very special for being able to stay with him and put up with it. Gary came in and said that he always wanted to ask Howard about how he was joking around about the chess thing getting in the way of their relationship. He wondered if it was odd to Beth that he spends so much time on that. Beth said that it bothered her a little bit in the beginning but it's okay now. She said that Howard is her number 1 hobby and chess is Howard's number 1. Howard stopped her and said ''no'' when he heard that. Beth said that Howard and his chess teacher actually celebrated an anniversary recently. Beth said that she makes plans around Howard's chess playing. She said that he asks her if it's okay with her when he has these chess lessons. She said that things have gotten so much better lately... except when he asks her a question while playing, she answers and then he asks her again 5 minutes later. She said it bothers her that he doesn't hear her.
Beth said that Howard lied to her last night. She wanted to get into that but Howard and Robin were going back and forth about her being part of this session. Howard said that he has a tendency to withdraw and hide from things. He said he loves this chess thing but he loves Beth more than chess. He said he's been checking in with her more about it lately. He said that last night they got into bed and watched TV and ''screwed.'' Beth cut him off and said that's the worst word to describe what they do.
Dr. Ablow was saying that whenever Beth was saying something about Howard, she'd look at Howard and not at him. Beth mentioned this lie that Howard told to her last night. She said she offered to get her a bottle of water and as soon as he walked out of the room he farted. Then he came back and denied that he had farted.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he has a serious question for Beth. He asked her how she puts up with Howard's constant complaining. She said that she just laughs it off. Howard didn't know that she thought he complained about everything. He said he just critiques things. Beth said that he does have days when he complains about everything. She and Ralph were with him one day when there wasn't one positive thing that he talked about. It was all complaints. Howard said that he's just a very angry person, he realizes that.
Dr. Ablow was suggesting that they make sure that they have an equal relationship. Howard said that he's doing that. He said that his love knows no boundaries. Robin said that Howard read the book Marley and Me and he had once said that you realize that you have to accept even the bad parts of a relationship. Howard had forgotten about that and said that he will probably forget about it by tomorrow as well.
Artie told Howard that he does some stuff that's kind of annoying like the time he told Beth that her father didn't want to throw this engagement party that he said he wanted to throw. Beth said that she spoke to Howard about that after he told her he didn't want the to throw it and now Howard is going out to Pittsburgh in October to go to the party. She said that she and Howard will probably stay at the house and hotel and not go out anywhere else. She said that this will be the first trip that Howard is making out there but he's never really been invited out there either. Howard said he asked to go see where she grew up and she refused. Beth said that she'd be worried that he'd be miserable out there so that's why she's avoided it. She said that she's very nervous about going now because she still doesn't want him to be miserable.
Dr. Ablow said that it looks like Beth is very much in love with him and what they don't want is any kind of resentment to build up over the years. Howard was getting that Dr. Ablow was saying that Beth doesn't love him, she fears him. Dr. Ablow wasn't saying that and Beth wasn't getting that out of it either. Artie said he thinks that this stuff is healthy for the two of them.
Howard asked what they have learned today. Dr. Ablow said it appears that they have a foundation there for a great relationship. Beth said that she had never been engaged or married before and she's going to be 35 this year. She said she's dated a lot of different guys and she feels that she has found her peace with this man, Howard. Dr. Ablow said that he loved the sentiment there but it doesn't erase the sub soil that they had found there today. They spent a short time talking about what they were learning before Howard moved on.
Howard took some phone calls from a few people who said that this stuff wasn't boring at all. Bobo called in and asked if Beth and Howard had a fight after Howard didn't jump into the pool when Bianca jumped in and couldn't swim. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that Howard is growing as a person and there's no way he could have done this 10 or 20 years ago. He asked him if he uses sex as a weapon. Howard said he can get a little distant when she goes out at night or something but he doesn't think that he uses it as a weapon. Dominic thinks that they're great together and wished them luck.
Howard told Dr. Ablow that he can really tear into himself over some things but he thinks that this relationship is something that he's never had before. He said it's the best he's ever had. He said that they have to put everything out on the table before they get married and, so far, things are working out. Dr. Ablow said that he has found someone who will not hurt him. He seems to think that they're at a great place in their relationship.
Artie asked Beth to talk about leaving Gary's party early because Howard claims she wanted to leave. Beth said that she wanted to leave because she didn't want Howard to be miserable. She swore on the life of Bianca that it was the reason she said she wanted to leave. Howard thought she really wanted to get out of there too but she only wanted out because she knew Howard was miserable. Dr. Ablow said that Beth is good at seeing how Howard is feeling and that's a good thing. Howard said he knows that he's a nightmare to deal with.
Beth told a story about going to a graduation party for his cousin's and he looked at her at one point and said he had to go. Beth said it was about 7 o'clock but Howard said it was like 8:30. Howard said he had to go because he had to get some sleep because he had to work the next morning. Beth said that they had to leave right before desert because he was so miserable. She was okay with that because she went home and had desert there.
Dr. Ablow said that Howard has to take more responsibility for the way he makes people react to him. Beth said that his whole family was more worried about Howard than they were about the party that night they were out. Howard said he was up from 4 in the morning and he was tired. What he was doing was no different than what Artie does when he falls asleep there on the show. That led to the guys talking more about Gary's party so Howard said, once again, that he knows he's a miserable person to deal with.
Artie said that he's never met anyone more friendly and kind than Beth is. He said that he thinks that the relationship is going to work, especially after he leaves radio. He said that Beth will stick with him until then and things will just get better when he retires. He said that he can't do what Howard and Beth do. He said that they seem to be able to work together when he can't do that himself. He described how things go in his relationships and how they usually end up fighting over stuff like Howard and Beth just get past. He was asking Beth if she had a sister. Howard told him that if she did, she'd be in bed with them.
Ralph called in and asked why arguing is healthy. He said that no one wants to be arguing all the time. He also said that there's nothing wrong with Beth wanting to take care of her man. Dr. Ablow was saying that Howard should be thinking more about Beth and what she wants. Howard said he does think a lot about Beth and it's not like that. Beth agreed and said that he really does care about her.
Beth was telling Dr. Ablow that she said that Howard is marrying her knowing that she doesn't want kids right now, but she may want them in the future. Howard said that he won't do it if she does want kids. He said that he wouldn't do that to the kid. He doesn't want anymore kids and that's why he will never do it. He said he's 53 years old, he's just an ''ok'' father and he doesn't want to do that whole thing again. Beth said that he's actually a great father and Robin agreed with her. Howard said that he doesn't want to take care of kids again. Beth said that she doesn't want kids now but that could change in 5 years. Dr. Ablow said that means that she's not sure. She said she's sure right now that she doesn't want any kids. Howard said that he's positive he doesn't want kids just the same as how he knows he doesn't want to suck a man's penis.
Howard gave Dr. Ablow a plug for his book ''Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty'' and Beth said that she's very excited about the future. She said she wants to marry him more than ever right now. Howard said that he was ready to bang her right there in front of the doctor. He went on to talk about how he knows he can turn into an asshole so he'll have to try and keep some things in check. He knows that will be a challenge for him though because he is so selfish.
Howard took a few more phone calls and let the fans talk about this whole thing. Dr. Keith gave Howard some more advice about how he could treat Beth better by staying out later with her once in a while. They continued to talk about all of that stuff for a little longer. Howard was saying that he wished that he had just stayed at that dinner longer.
Howard thanked Dr. Keith for coming in and said he likes the guy. Beth suggested that they get Sal and his wife Christine in there next. Beth was saying that she doesn't think that Sal's wife's relationship with that guy was just emotional. She thinks that it was physical. Sal said earlier that he doesn't care about that though. Howard told Beth that she's his only ''143.''
Artie was getting into his relationship with Howard and how everything that came out was because of Robin telling a half-truth. He explained to Dr. Keith about the day they had the girl in there with the fat fetish who wanted to date him. He said that the whole thing was about how he was fat. Howard claimed that it was a friend-type thing for him to do but he didn't take it that way. He said he had the balls to tell Howard he didn't take it that way and disagreed that it was a friend thing. He said that it was all done for the show and he called Howard out on that. They talked about the whole ''bro'' thing that went on that day as well.
Dr. Ablow wanted Artie to come out and tell Howard how he thinks that Howard is his bro. Artie didn't want to go there. Howard said that he still thinks that Artie is his ''bro'' and Artie seemed to take that and blow it off again. Howard said that they had already gone over the hour limit with Dr. Ablow. They had to wrap up after that. Howard gave Dr. Ablow a plug for his book and went to commercial break a short time later after arguing with Artie for a couple more minutes. Artie was just getting started in his session but Howard had to end it.
Artie said that Dr. Ablow is going to call him every week now thanks to the Howard 100 News people and everyone else out there. Artie said that was a pretty intense therapy session they had in there. Howard took a call from a guy who asked how they could think that was going to be a boring segment. Howard wasn't sure how it was going to go. Fred asked Howard if he and Artie are still bros or not. Howard said that he still thinks of Artie as his bro but he doesn't think that Artie thinks the same thing. Artie told him to work on the Beth thing and then they'll work on their own relationship.
The caller kept saying that the only problem with that Dr. Ablow segment was Robin interrupting all the time. He said she's got to lay off of Artie. Robin said she loves Artie, that's why she does that stuff. Another caller said that they need to have that guy on the show like once a week. Howard said they do have to get Sal and Christine in there, that's what he really wants to hear. He said that they might have to set that up for next week. Howard said Christine might give them a whole other perspective.
The guys talked about Sal and Christine for a short time. Howard then introduced a gentleman who was sitting in the studio. That guy is from Playboy magazine and he's doing a story about Artie. Howard said his name is Mike Guy. Howard spoke to him for a short time and said that the story is going to be 3,500 words so it's a big piece. He said they're going to take a picture of him holding a frying pan for the article. That led to Artie talking about how he did a photo shoot for Playboy one time and he thought it was the hottest thing he'd seen except when he was sitting next to the chick because he looked so bad.
Jon Hein came in and gave a quick rundown of what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show. They'll be talking about Dr. Keith's visit to the show. They'll also talk about Sal's discussion about his marriage and what went on during that segment. They'll also talk about Richard Roeper's visit and also about Gary Garver's call and interviews that they played earlier today.
Steve the Inter said they have more about the Hottest Regular Chick contest coming up on The Intern Show tonight. They'll have Dara the intern in to talk about how Artie tried to pick her for the Hottest Regular chick contest. That show airs at 7pm tonight on Howard 101. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Robin read through some more stories and then Howard said he got an e-mail from actor Tim Stack who reminded him that in the final episode of Son of the Beach they just blew everyone up. He brought that up after Howard and the guys talked about all of the TV show finales that were awful.
Howard read one story about how the U.S. government was thinking of developing a ''gay bomb'' which would turn the enemy troops into homosexuals. They spent a short time talking about that.
Howard read through some headlines from The Onion that he found funny. There were a bunch that he read to the guys and had them laughing. Howard said he heard that they were asked to do a movie over there but it didn't come out because it was so bad. He said that their news headlines and stories are funny though.
Irish John called in during the news and asked Howard if he thinks that Dr. Ablow thing is going to change things between he and Beth. Howard doesn't think things will change. He said that he knows what he'll be doing today when he goes home, he'll be playing chess. Artie was goofing on him saying that he was trying to find something to get him for his chess anniversary that Beth had mentioned earlier. Howard said he's not going to be celebrating it, the guy who gives him lessons just told him that they've been doing this for almost a year now, that's it. Artie said someone told him that the right gift to give someone who's celebrating a chess anniversary is a giant plastic penis.
Robin read through her news and wrapped up around 11:00am. Artie bragged that the new season of ''Rescue Me'' was getting 4 star reviews in the paper today before Howard ended the show.
Howard started off the show talking about what a weird day it was yesterday. He said that they were supposed to have a bunch of guests in today but they've canceled. He said that Mark McGrath, John Cusack and Jimmy Fallon were all scheduled but they asked Jimmy to move to next week. Then Cusack's people called Gary and canceled and so did Mark McGrath's. Now neither of them are coming in. He said it's okay with him that no one is coming in but the guy who had it the worst was Will who had to do the research for all of the guests. Gary said Will was there until 7 last night doing research and then they find out he's canceled.
Howard asked Gary what happened there. Gary said that the movie company wants it to happen for Cusack because he's got a movie coming out. They spent a minute talking about that and then Howard brought up the Fantastic 4 movie that's coming out and he's really not looking forward to it because Jessica Alba isn't looking hot in it. The guys talked about how every movie she's in turns out to be bad. Artie said that she looks great in that movie ''Honey'' though. Howard said she shows camel toe in that movie and in Fantastic 4. Artie said that he's watched that movie a bunch of times with the sound off and it's not so bad.
Howard said that Artie's microphone has been ''fixed'' but now it's too loud. He asked the engineering guys to fix it and they did something but now it's way too loud. Howard said he has to get that worked out because he's struggling with it. Artie said that Scott was fixing it and he was told to keep it at a certain angle and it makes it a pain to deal with.
Howard said he had to take a break because it was distracting the shit out of him. Gary said he could do that but Howard tried to continue. Gary told Howard that John Cusack's people never really had him officially booked to do the show but the publicists kept trying to set it up. Howard asked Gary if John is that paranoid about his career that he won't do this show. Gary said he's not sure. The publicists were asking all kinds of questions like they had no idea what they do there as far as the TV show and stuff. He got the call at about 6 last night that he wasn't going to come in. Howard said that John is a pussy and he should either come in or not but don't jerk them around like that.
Howard wondered what it is about him that they could have talked about. Gary said they found out he dated Neve Campbell when she was still Neve Campbell. He also dated Britney Spears from what they read. Howard said he's seen the guy in the movies and stuff and he seems like a good guy but he doesn't need to have his guys jerked around like that. He's sending out a bad vibe when he does that. Howard read through the list of women Cusack had apparently dated and it included women like Uma Thurman, Meg Ryan, Rebecca Romijn, Lily Taylor and a few others.
Howard mentioned the Mark McGrath cancellation thing. Gary said that they moved a bunch of things around to get him on the show and then they get a call telling them that he was never supposed to be booked. Gary said that he had a lot of people involved and everyone was blamed for booking him when he wasn't supposed to be. Gary said he's coming to town to do some voice over for ''I Can't Believe IT's Not Butter'' and it may be the company that puts that stuff out, Unilever, that doesn't want him on the show. That led to Howard talking about that fake butter stuff and said they should try to find out what's in that stuff.
Gary said he was at his son's baseball game last night trying to find out what was going on. He said he was hiding in the woods cursing on the phone trying to figure it all out so no one would hear him.
Gary said that he didn't know that this was going on and he'd been calling Joe for a while trying to get him to come on the show. Artie said that he's seen Joe a couple of times and he doesn't get why he'd do something like that. He's been really cool to him when he sees him. Gary said that Joe isn't even willing to come in to talk about all of that stuff. Artie said that this could be settled in two seconds if he just came on the show and listened to Howard's explanation. Gary said he liked Joe on and off the air and this is really weird to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a quick chess quiz for him. He asked him what a pawn island was. Howard said he could explain it but he didn't want to get into it. The guy was explaining some other things to him but Howard didn't seem to care. The guy also said he had a comment about Joe Rogan and suggested they have him in there to wrestle with guys or something. Howard let that guy go a short time later. He didn't seem to be into the chess questions and he wasn't able to answer the questions very well.
Tracey was calling Steve a piece of shit and things like that. He'd say a few words and she'd talk right over him not letting him say anything. Artie said that she'd be tough to argue with if he was married to her. He said she was pretty brutal. Howard said that this went on for 7 full minutes. Steve the Intern took a call from a guy who said that she should never diss Steve Grillo like that and she gave that guy a ''fuck you.''
Howard said she was arguing like a guy in that clip. Artie said that he recommended someone for an internship and she gave him a hard time about it because the person didn't interview very well. Artie said he used to go to this bar that Grillo works at. He talked about ''buy backs'' since Tracey was talking to Grillo about them and Howard had no idea what they were.
Howard played more of the Grillo call where he's trying to explain why he wasn't able to take care of them. Ralph called in to get in on the argument too and was laughing at Grillo. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how Ralph loves Grillo almost as much as he loves Eric the Midget.
Sal said that Artie really looks out for him and tries to help him out. He said he got a voice mail from him last night and he offered to throw some cash at him. He said that Artie told him that he was doing some shows and said he'd offer him some money at any show he needs. Sal said it's really nice that he's offering to do that.
Howard asked Sal if he's ever asked his wife if she slept with this guy. Sal said that she's never really answered the question completely. Sal said that he's never cheated on his wife, ever. Artie said that he's good about that stuff on the road when he's with him so he doesn't think Sal has ever cheated. Howard asked Sal if he even wants to know. Sal said that her sister was there yesterday and he didn't get into it. He said he didn't want to deal with that with her sister being there.
Sal thinks that he was distant emotionally from her and he gets that now. Gary came in and said that it seems like Sal has been brainwashed now because he talks in therapy speak. He said that even if Sal wasn't there emotionally, his wife didn't take any responsibility on any level for what was wrong in the relationship. Gary said he asked her about the emotional friend and if she felt wrong about that. She said she didn't and she said she needed that friendship. Fred asked Sal why she didn't go to a therapist instead of to another man. Sal didn't know. He said that it was his idea to go to therapy. Gary asked why she would hide that friend if it was no big deal.
Artie said that Sal really needs to find out if she slept with him. Sal said it doesn't matter to him. Robin said that knowledge could kill the relationship though. Howard asked Sal if it would change things if he found out she did sleep with the guy. Sal said ''no'' and that if he really loves someone, he can put that kind of stuff behind him. Artie said he'd have to know. Robin said Artie could never stay with someone knowing that she had slept with another man. Sal said that she hardly banged him so he can't see her banging some other guy.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he kind of wondered why Sal's wife was on The Wrap Up Show because he thinks that she should be on Howard's show. Howard said that's the way he feels because it takes away the suspense from the whole thing. Gary said that she's kind of afraid to come there and it's not over yet. There's a lot more to explore. Gary said he wasn't trying to be Howard on the show. Howard said it was like the pre-interview took place on the air. Gary said he's not sure what to do then.
Howard said that he started to listen to the interview but it was a little boring. He wished that they had gotten her on his show instead. Dominic was picking it apart saying that the interview would have gone completely different if they had her on Howard's show. Howard said that the Wrap Up Show is for talking about what happened during the show that day, not to talk to someone like that who he wanted on the show. Howard said that he wants the Wrap Up Show to be interesting but not when it comes to stuff like that. He said that would be like Robin going on Bubba's show and revealing that she had broken up with Mr. X.
Dominic was complaining over and over again and Gary said that he's got to get out of Howard's ass with that stuff. Howard said that he's kind of right and he thinks that he could have done something with that interview if she had called in on this show. He said it could have been interesting if he could have played with it in his own way.
Sal told Gary that he blew it and called him an asshole. He said he didn't even feel good about doing that though. He said that the whole thing is just so messed up that he doesn't feel right dissing people. Howard asked who thinks that the marriage is going to end in divorce. Gary said he's not sure where it's at right now. Robin and Gary both think that the marriage will end in divorce. Artie said he doesn't think it will. Fred said that he's not sure but his wife is the question mark right now. He asked if she says that she's in love with him. Sal said that she feels a love like he's a brother or something to her. She wants to work back to what it was like in the past though.
Dominic asked if Sal's parents went through something like that because he had mentioned something about that. He said that his father did cheat on his mother but she stayed with him all these years. They went through that stuff for a minute before Howard said he had to go to break. He took another phone call a few seconds later though. The caller said he started snooping around and found out that she was cheating on him. He said that if he had done that to her, she would have gotten right out of there. Howard said he could never forgive someone for doing something like that to him so Sal is a better man than he is. Howard said he had a chick break up with him because she had found a guy who had a bigger cock than he did. He said he was in college at the time and he got the call one day saying that she found a guy with a big penis. He said that they were fucking like 5 times a day and it really broke his heart. He said he was in love and it really hurt.
Sal was laughing at Howard for losing a chick because of his cock. Howard didn't think that was right and said that his wife is out cheating on him. Sal said that everyone is coming out of the woodwork when this stuff comes up. He said that some people were telling him not to worry about it but others were saying that an emotional friend is just another description for a ''fuck buddy.''
Howard read some e-mail about Sal's problem. Some people wrote in and said that he's just staying with his wife because he's afraid he's going to lose his lifestyle. Howard figures that Sal is with someone he can't have and that might be a reason he's staying with her. Sal said that he's got no problem getting women so he'd have no problem being alone.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked about some of the things that his wife was doing to him as far as going out all dressed up at night with her friends and stuff. Sal had talked about that and about making Sal hold in his load so he wouldn't dirty the sheets or anything like that. Another caller said that Sal shouldn't be surprised if his wife was sleeping with that guy. Another caller told Sal that if he wants to get back to having sex with his wife he should go by that bar she hangs out at because that's where she was getting guys off. Howard asked Sal if he thinks that she was going out and getting guys at that bar. Sal said he thinks that she was just going there to high five her friends over taking her husbands money and stuff like that.
Hanzi called in and said that Sal's wife should have confronted him about her problems instead of just going out and doing what she did. Howard said that Sal is just being honest with himself and trying to work things out his own way by showing her the old Sal. He said that if he's blaming her for what happened, that's just the same old shit that she's been hearing for years.
Howard asked Sal if he knows that all of his kids are his. Sal said he's pretty sure except for the black one. Artie asked Howard if they could roast Sal on the last day before they go on vacation for July. Howard said that they really should do that. He said he was going to take a break from those roasts for a year or so but now he has to do one with Sal. Artie said that the material is endless. Sal said that he had a bunch of guys come up to him asking if they were the ''emotional friend'' that he was talking about. That means that she must be talking to all of these guys. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that Artie has a big night tonight for the season premiere of Entourage. Artie said that he was going to go with this chick he's been seeing but she canceled. He said that she seems to think that they're in this committed relationship but they're really not. He said that he was going to take someone else if she wasn't going to go so she got upset about that. He said this is an opportunity for him to possibly get laid so he's wondering what to do. He doesn't want to lose the girl but he's not sure if he cares that much.
Howard said that Artie is wondering how to date a bunch of women and not hurt them all. He said that once you fuck a chick, they don't want to know that they're fucking someone else. He said that women think that you're an animal if you're with more than one woman. Artie said that he never wants to go to anything but now that he's single he wants to go to impress chicks. He said this chick he's seeing is giving him a hard time about how he might not go alone if she doesn't go.
Howard said that he was seeing this chick when he was dating and they were having a good time. He said they were fucking all the time and he figured that he'd be able to see some other people. He told her that and then went through his appointment book and found that he was going to be seeing other chicks. She freaked out on him about that. He said that he had to be careful about that stuff when he was dating. He told Artie that he's got to be aware of that because you can really hurt a lot of people if you sleep around like that.
Artie said that some of these chicks get the message better than others do. While they were talking about all of that Fred played the remix of a song that Artie sang on the air one time and had everyone cracking up. He was singing Ann Murray's ''I Just Fall In Love Again'' one day and they took it and put it to music.
Howard had Lisa get back to her news preview. She said that they have an interview with someone who used to work with Howard at WRNW many years ago. She told Howard a story that this woman told her but Howard had no memory of it himself. He said that maybe these people relate memories to things that happened to them and put him in there. He said maybe he just doesn't remember that stuff though. He wasn't sure. Lisa said that the woman told her that she knew that Howard was going to be famous one day.
Lisa said that Robin's diet was mentioned in the newspaper today. That led to Howard reading the story that they were talking about and how Robin had a colonic yesterday. He read about how she had lost 16 pounds in 12 days and went through the list of stuff she's been eating over the past two weeks.
Howard asked Robin how her colonic went. She said it apparently went very well from what she heard. She said that she responds immediately to the things that they do to her. They talked about the colonic and how she had all kinds of things coming out of her ass. She said they gave her the report about how she had bile coming out and things like that. They joked that they saw Fudgie the Whale coming out. They also saw some ''thick black stuff'' coming out as well. She said that they claim that it's the coating of the walls of the intestines. Howard said that maybe you need that in there. She said it's just a build up on the intestines that's flushed out. She said that it's stuff you don't need in there.
All of that led to Howard talking about Beth and how she barely ever shits. He said she eats crap food and never shits. He said she only drinks soda and never drinks water. He figures she's going to drop dead in 5 years and he'll out live her. Artie said that she'll be 40 in 5 years and that would be perfect.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Dr. Keith Ablow thing from yesterday. Howard thanked him for that and then the guy brought up the merger between SIRIUS and XM which got Howard talking about that. Howard said that satellite radio is nothing like satellite TV. He said that it's not taking away anything from anyone if they keep it going. He said that the NAB is having it's way with the government and he doesn't understand why it's dragging on. The guys spent a few minutes talking about the merger and not understanding why it's being held up so much. Howard said it would be better for everyone involved in the whole thing.
Lisa mentioned that they have the Shit Show coming up tonight at midnight and also the Superfan Roundtable at 7pm on Howard 101.
Scott DePace came in to tell Howard that the awards aren't like that. Howard said that they should play it up and make a big deal out of the whole thing. Scott said that this award is just as good as any other award out there. He said that they've submitted shows before and have lost so it's not like you can just buy them.
Howard said he got upset the other day when he broke his Billboard Award recently. Gary said that they're trying to get him another one. Howard said he also broke his Blockbuster award and got kind of upset about that. Scott said that they should be happy about this award. Doug Goodstein came in and gave Howard some information about the awards and said that the details are kind of vague. He said that some of the other networks that have won were NBC, Oprah Winfrey's show and many others. They're all legitimate shows that are submitting to the Telly Awards.
DePace's wife has an Emmy so he puts his Telly Award next to that. He said the Emmy is about twice the size of the Telly Award though. Howard got a hold of his Telly Award and showed it to Robin and the guys. Artie said that Sam Simon has 14 Emmy Awards and he keeps them there to show off to chicks. Gary said it's like an ''i want to bang you'' room at Sam's house. Gary read through some notes about the Telly Award and said that it's made by the same people that make some of the other major awards out there. Howard congratulated everyone and said he had to move along. As he was wrapping up Fred was playing the Showbiz Pizza place commercial since Scott had worked there at one point. Gary said that he was playing the Billy Bob the Bear character there.
Howard said that Ivan Reitman just got a walk of fame thing up in Canada. Ivan was one of the producers on ''Private Parts.'' Howard played a clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger talking about Ivan winning and thanking him for helping him out over the years. Ivan's son also made a speech and then Ivan got up and said a few words and mentioned Howard's name which surprised him. He played that clip where Ivan mentioned him. He said that really moved him when he heard it.
In the clip Ivan talked about some of the people that he's worked with and said that they were the most talented in the world. He thanked Bill Murray, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Eugene Levy, John Candy, Harrison Ford, Robert Redford, Will Ferrall, Luke Wilson, Howard Stern and a bunch of others. Robin said that was ''nice company'' he was lumped in with. Howard said he thinks he did them in chronological order. He was saying that maybe he should have been first on the list. Artie pointed out that he also thanked Michael Jordan which was kind of a bummer. Howard said that did kind of ruin the speech for him.
Eric said that he was on that show on Tuesday night. He said he was in the Luxor hotel when he was doing one of his tricks. He said that he was doing a card trick with Jason Hervey from the Wonder Years and he was in the show. Howard asked him if he's going to put that in his resume. Eric said ''yes'' to that.
Howard said that Eric should show up on every show just in the background. Eric said that he thought he was going to be on Hogan Knows Best but they never aired the stuff they filmed. He just happened to be at the Hard Rock Cafe when he heard they were going to be there. He said that he got to meet them too. Artie asked him if he told them that he fucks his bed. Artie cracked himself up when he asked that. Artie then started goofing on him about fucking his bed and getting his PJ pants stuck to him.
Howard asked Eric if he's been beating off to the porn they sent him. He said he hasn't been checking it out. That led to them asking Eric if he's still talking to that chick Brandy. He said he has been and he's waiting for them to set up a date for him. Howard said that they have to set it up but he's not going to let them follow him with a camera. Howard said he's going to set it up but he thinks that he's making a mistake because he'd have a better chance to bang her if he had a camera there.
Eric said that he doesn't want to be a part of Howard Stern's blind date. Eric said he's never met this chick so it's like a blind date for him. Howard told him it's more like The Bachelor and they won't show him actually having sex with the chick. Howard told him what's going to happen but Eric doesn't seem to care, he wants the date but apparently doesn't care if he gets laid. Howard told him he's blowing it by not letting the cameras come.
Howard said Eric will probably call up begging for cameras and he always blows these things. Eric said he's not blowing anything. Howard told Eric that he's got all of this power of the Stern Show behind him but he's not using it. He said that he's got to see that this chick never would have called him back if they didn't help him out. Eric said that he never tried to call her before and called him ''big nose'' in the process. Howard is trying to help him out and he's still insulting Howard.
Howard told Eric to do what he wants and made him make the call about the cameras right there. Eric said that he'd think about it but Howard wanted the answer right then. Eric was still saying ''no.'' Howard told him that they'll tell her that he wants to meet her without the cameras and see what she says. Artie told him that this was a chance of possibly getting some pussy. Eric said that she's already said that wouldn't be part of the date.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him why he's helping this guy out. Howard said he's not even sure why. Eric said he wasn't expecting anything from her on this date though. Howard told Eric that he's never going to give him a camera crew now. Will came in and said that Brandy had never heard of Eric before they told her about him. Howard told him to make sure they don't give Eric a camera crew no matter how much he begs for it.
Howard took some calls from people who were telling him to hang up on Eric. Eric would tell them to ''shut the fuck up jackass'' so the callers would goof on him about his lame lines. Eric said that yesterday's show put him to sleep. That led to Howard telling him that he's the only one who wants him on the show, all of the e-mail says that he shouldn't be on at all. Howard said that he's the only one who finds him interesting. He said that they'll save some money by not sending a camera crew out there. The caller on the line said that the show really helped him yesterday because it made him remember what he has in his relationship. Howard said he was reminded about it as well and he feels even more love for Beth after that. The caller and Howard spent a short time talking about that stuff and what it meant to them.
Howard said that he went home yesterday and Beth called him into her room but he told her he can't do that because he had shoes on. He said he now knows that they should just have wood floors instead. Artie told him to keep that up with her the same way he brings up the ''bro'' thing with him, that'll make for a fun life. He said it's like giving someone a baseball bat and asking them to hit them over the head over and over again. Artie said he liked it when Beth was talking about trying to find a nice hotel for Howard yesterday and he says that he grew up in a shithole so he could stay anywhere.
Howard had Richard Christy on the phone pretending to be Brandy saying that she wanted to have a camera there because she doesn't bang midgets off camera. Eric said that he knew it was Richard but Howard and Richard kept it going. Richard said that he's been with black penises bigger than Eric. He asked Eric what was wearing and if he had jacked off last night. Howard thanked ''Brandy'' for the call and let her go. Eric told Richard he doesn't change his voice enough when he's doing his impressions.
Fred said that's what happened to his wife. She didn't want kids and then one day she did. He said he wasn't all that in favor of having kids but now that he has one it's been great. He said that it took them about 5 years to make it happen. They had to do a lot of artificial insemination stuff so Fred said that he jerked off into a lot of bottles over those 5 years. The Sim jokingly told Howard he didn't know who this new Fred guy was who was on but they should have him on more often. Howard let him go a short time later after he asked if he could play The Mike Walker Game with them today. Howard said that they're not playing today so he had no game to play with him.
Artie got back to the Howard and Beth thing and said he thinks that Howard would choose Beth and a baby over losing Beth. Howard said that he will not have a kid though. He said he's seriously thinking about getting a vasectomy now. He really doesn't want to get Beth pregnant so he may just do that. Fred asked Howard who he thinks is the hottest chick on the planet, other than Beth. Howard thought about it for a few seconds and came up with Beth again. Fred said that maybe Beth passes away and he finds a 21 year old who looks exactly like her. Howard didn't like that so he made up this thing where he'd call Cameron Diaz and date her. Fred then went through the whole thing and asked Howard if he would have a kid with her. He said he wouldn't do it. He insists that he doesn't want kids and he wants the freedom as he gets older. He said he's giving her all of him but he won't give her a kid.
Howard said that kids can only fuck things up for a relationship. Ralph called in a short time later and asked Howard what he'd do if Beth did want to have a kid. Howard said he'd get a divorce. He said he doesn't understand discussion and he thinks that he's just being honest. Robin and Fred think that they're not being clear with each other because Beth isn't giving a straight answer about wanting kids. Fred said that maybe Howard would change his mind in a year or so. He has changed his views on marriage over the past 7 years. Howard said that the thought of having kids again drives him nuts. He's 53 years old and he's not looking to have more kids. Ralph said that Beth is 35 already and she must be past that kid thing. Howard said that her desire for kids should have kicked in already. Robin said that the new age is 40 for women who want to have kids.
Howard let Ralph go and told Eric he was going to work on getting him that date with Brandy. He said he'll ask but when she hears there's no camera, she'll probably say no. Eric said that if she says that she won't go on the date with no cameras, then he'll go with the cameras. Howard told him that's not the deal. He already told him that he's not going to give him the cameras because he already turned them down. Howard tried to explain that to Eric but he just doesn't get it. Eric thinks that the cameras would screw everything up for him if they went out on a date and had people bothering him. Artie told him that he needs the camera there to get people to recognize him. Eric claims that he gets recognized when he goes out but Artie said it's just people looking at him because he's a freak.
Howard took a call from Captain Cat Fucker who said he loves the show when they don't have any guests. That was about all he had to add to the show so Howard let him go and went to break.
Howard said he had another clip of this chick by the name of Lisa but Artie had no idea who she was. Artie said it wasn't Lisa Lampanelli, there were a ton of hot chicks there. Gary said that she's a professional partier. Howard played the clip where she talked about being a professional partier and did a promo for the next segment. Howard didn't know why he was playing it though. Gary said that JD thought it was funny that she was a professional partier. Howard said it's a good thing he doesn't host the show.
Howard said that there was this kid on a spelling bee contest but the kid is such a stiff that it reminds him of JD if he had won a spelling bee. JD said he actually won a spelling bee when he was in 6th grade. Howard said this kid doesn't care that he's won this contest and he's super nerdy. He played a news clip where a news anchor is trying to interview the kid and he just acts like a complete dick. Robin said she loved him when she heard him talking. She loved the way the news anchor was dying on the air with him. Howard played more of the interview where the anchor asks the kid about how he likes to eat Subway tuna sandwiches before he does these spelling bees. The kid doesn't have a good answer so she moves on and asks him to spell a word. The kid asks a bunch of questions about the word and she has to try and answer him but she didn't have much luck giving him what he needed. The kid spelled the word wrong and then he blamed her for not saying it right. He said he couldn't hear her and thought she was saying something else. Artie said he loves this kid after hearing the clip.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel tried to interview the kid on his show. He played a clip where Jimmy was asking him some questions and the kid was giving one word answers and not showing all that much excitement. Jimmy had no luck with him either. Howard said that these kids lock themselves in their rooms for years so they can spell these words and that's how they turn out.
Howard played the game where they listened to the questions they asked Miss Howard Stern general knowledge questions and tried to guess if she was going to know the answers. Here are the questions and Miss Howard Stern's answers:
Artie ended up winning $100 from Howard and Robin. Howard told Artie that he's such a winner, he wins at every aspect of his life. He was joking around of course. They had to go to break after that.
Howard read one about Robin forgetting her ex-assistant's name during the show yesterday. The writer pointed out that it shows what kind of person she really is.
Howard had Ralph on the phone again and said that he thinks that Fred is skewing the mail toward the negative side toward him. He said that he's been going on SternFanNetwork lately and they love him over there. He said it's kind of fun to go on there. The caller told Howard to hang up on Ralph and not pick up on him in 10 minutes. Ralph said ''we'll see...'' Howard went to break after that.
Artie said that her picture was really hot too. Howard said that her vagine was kind of purple and prominent. Artie said it looked like she was in heat. Howard said you know right where to plug in on her. He said it's like Plug and Play right there. He kept talking about how odd it looked and said that he wanted her back on the phone to ask her about that. He wondered if other chick's had vagine's that looked like that. He said that her skin tone didn't match her down there.
Howard said that it almost looked like a ball sack to him. Ralph called in and said that she's involved with one of the guys there at the station. He said that guy they call Skippy over there is dating her. Howard didn't know that. He also talked about how white her skin is and how that must be why her vagine stands out so much. Howard said she's hot as hell. He had her back on the phone a minute later.
Haydn said that her vagine is not that color, it was just the picture. She said that she may have been getting turned on in that photo shoot. She said she was sick during that shoot and it may have caused the odd look. Howard showed the guys the pictures again and Fred said that it was hot. Howard said it was like there was a big piece of roast beef there between her legs. Howard told her to come in and show it to them.
Howard asked Howard if she dated this guy Skippy there. She said she went on a few dates with him. She said that it makes it look bad if she did that. Howard said he was jealous of him if that's true. She said that she met him through Riley Martin.
Will said that he thinks that he'd date anyone who had anything to do with the show. She said that's not true. Howard asked her if she'd do him. She already said that back in January. Howard said he might just bang her after seeing all of these pictures. He said she does look awfully young. The guys all got thank-you cards from her and Will said it was kind of creepy.
Howard said that Maybe she had diaper rash when she had her pictures taken. Howard asked her if Skippy got to bang her. She said that he did have sex with her a little bit. Howard asked her what the big deal was and then asked her if she gave him head. She said ''well, yeah...'' They asked her about this guy and she said she didn't want to talk about it because she doesn't want to look like a tramp or anything.
Artie asked her where she was and told her to get down there to the Ziegfeld. Artie wanted to take her to the premiere of Entourage tonight. Artie said that would be pretty funny, it would be like taking a high schooler with him. Howard told Artie to fly her in today. Gary came in and said that she stayed with Skippy for a week but she said it was just a weekend. She wanted to be sure that she wasn't with him just to benefit her career or something. Gary said he heard that she was supposed to go see Skippy's parents down in Florida but she canceled at the last minute. Haydn didn't seem to want to get into that discussion though.
Howard asked Artie what he's going to do. Artie said he may as well call Thailand if he wants to fly in a teenager. He said that he was going to pass on this. He didn't want to do it on the air. Haydn told Artie that she'd be 19 in October. Artie will be 40 then.
Howard said that he's fly her in if it was him. Artie told her to leave her number. She said that she just saw him recently at the Borgata. He remembered that she was with that guy from MarksFriggin.com. That led to them talking about her relationship with him and what they've gone through with his wife and stuff like that. Haydn said that everything is cool between her and his wife and everything is good. Gary said that she's caused some problems there though. Howard put her on hold to get her number for Artie.
Jon Hein ran down some of the stuff they'd be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. Then Mutt was on to promote tonight's Superfan Roundtable. He said they'll be talking about Howard not letting an 18 year old take her top off recently but then was talking about banging Haydn today. Howard let him go after getting the rundown of that show. Howard. Robin started her news a short time later.
Robin brought up one story about David Letterman which led to Artie asking Howard if he knows how much he gets paid when he does a show like Letterman's. He said that he just got his check from doing the show last week and wondered if Howard had any idea how much it was. Howard said he remembers it being around $700. Artie said that was close, it's actually $640 which is a standard thing for anyone who appears on a show like that.
Howard was playing around with some Crackhead Bob clips during the news and ended up playing a clip of him trying to get a cab to pick him up. Artie had mentioned that Bob had showed up at one of the gigs he did and when they asked him how he was going to get home, he just blurted out ''DAB!'' which was ''cab'' in Bob's Crackhead-like speech.
Robin wrapped up her news and Artie got in some plugs for some upcoming comedy shows he has. He's going to be out in Vegas and down in Atlantic City. Check out his dates at Artie-Lange.com Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how KC was going to be taking a lie detector test to find out if he's a homosexual or not. Fred said that he looked nervous and Robin agreed. Howard also said that he was listening to Kari Wuhrer's new album. She used to come on the show so Howard played a little bit of it so Robin could hear it. They spent a few seconds on that and then Howard talked about how he feels like he's coming down with a cold. He said he can feel it in his throat. That led to him talking about how miserable he is. He said that he really is miserable and he'd like to find someone who isn't.
Howard said he got a joke in the mail where someone asked what the difference is between Jackie and Paul McCartney. He said ''Paul McCartney's untalented wife is dead.'' He said he didn't like that joke but he had to tell it.
Howard mentioned that Cracked Magazine has a whole spread about him talking to wrestlers. They also had Stuttering John interviewing Nostradamus. He said he used to read the magazine but not so much anymore. Jackie said he picks up a copy once in a while but not all that often.
Howard mentioned that he rented this movie ''Apt Pupil'' and he's really liking it even though he hasn't finished it yet. He explained what the movie was about and said he hasn't finished watching it yet so he asked Robin not to spoil it for him.
Howard said they have some guys coming down from Canada to talk about their book about shoplifting. They also have this chick coming in who is one of those hemp advocates. He said he likes meeting those people because they're funny. He took a call from a guy who said that the ending of ''Apt Pupil'' starts out great but the ending sucks. He didn't want the guy spoiling it for him so he hung up on him. Gary came in and shared his thoughts on the movie but Howard didn't want him spoiling anything either.
Howard said he was surrounded by tapes that he had to get to and he wasn't sure where to start. He had games and all kinds of stuff like that. They had a Crackhead Bob Game that they were supposed to revamp. He also saw that they have a tape of Jay Mohr where he bad mouths Gary. Gary told Howard about the clip where Jay gets angry with him because they had some trouble booking him for the show. Jay tells the story from his side saying that Gary misunderstood something he'd said. Gary claims Mohr claimed he had his hands all over Jennifer Aniston at one point but then came back a week later and claimed he never said that.
They were going to play that tape but Gary wasn't able to find it. Howard told him that he really is Baba Booey and moved on to some other stuff. He took a phone call from a guy who said he really liked Jackie's Wife's music the other day.
Howard read an article about Tom Brokaw screwing up and making fun of the homeless. He read the article and the quote from Tom where he says he envies the homeless because they can get some extra sleep in the mornings while he's got to get up and go to work. Howard said that he's been envious of the homeless at times himself.
Howard asked Gary if he knew where the right version was. Gary said he didn't know of another one. He said that was the one that he worked on last night. Jackie said there was another one that they came up with and the one they had just played wasn't that one. Howard also asked where the Jay Mohr tape was and Gary told him it was lost in the system somewhere.
Howard asked KC how he feels about this test today. KC said he's fine but the guys said he looked like he was a mess from not getting any sleep. Howard let him go and told him he'd have his time in the spotlight later on.
Howard read an article about some celebrities who are actually Jewish but have changed their names to hide that. He mentioned a few names like Sarah Michelle Gellar, Winona Ryder, Noah Wiley, Juliana Margalise and a few others that were in the article.
A phone caller asked Howard if he could play that Crackhead Bob game. KC came in and said that they do have a new game but they haven't put it on cart yet so they can't play it. Howard said that someone has to fix his list of stuff because he can't get to any of it. He should be able to go to that stuff in a second if he wants. He told Gary to get it together and stop driving monster trucks at the appearances he's making. He goofed on Gary about that and then Robin threw in a comment so he told her he doesn't have to take that crap. Gary didn't like that Howard was talking about his appearances because he works all week. Howard told him he's got to finish his job there first and then, if he has time, he can go do his appearances. Howard asked him why his work isn't done during the week if he thinks he has time to do the appearances. Gary said that his work is done, he didn't know what he was talking about.
Gary said that he hasn't done any appearances in the past few weeks and they don't have anything to do with his job there at the station anyway. He said that it's not that he's not doing his job, it's that he's just disorganized. Robin would try to throw her two cents in and Gary would tell her to shut up. He really seems to hate when Robin tries to tell him what to do. Robin said that she wasn't even talking to him, she was talking to Howard but Gary didn't care. Howard seems to think that Gary is just worn out from his weekends and he can't do his job correctly. Gary swears that's not the case.
Howard said he wanted to go see a movie premiere last night. He said the movie was ''Wing Commander'' and he really wanted to go but he had work to do so he had to stay home and do that. He figured he had to get the work done and go to bed early for his job. Gary said this is all unfair to him. Howard said this story wasn't about him, he was just telling Robin about it. Gary went on to say that he doesn't go out during the week, he stays home and goes to bed early so he can be there on time.
Howard took some phone calls and let the fans goof on Gary. One guy said that he tried working two jobs and he had to stop working on the weekends because it caused so many problems. Gary claims he hasn't worked for the past 3 weekends in a row. Howard told him that he still seems dopier than usual and his work is suffering a bit. He said he thinks he can do better at his job. Gary said he thinks that about everyone though. Gary was looking for some compliments from Howard. Howard told him that he did compliment him on his hair. He liked the way that was looking. Gary said he doesn't usually ask for compliments from Howard but it would be nice.
Howard told Gary that he dumps a lot of responsibility on KC and he obviously can't handle it. Howard asked him to repeat after him and had him saying that he won't go out on weekends and will wear a tracking bracelet that will keep him in his house.
Howard took a call from a woman who told him that he was looking cute. She said that she's been told she looks like Sandra Bullock. That led to Howard saying that Gary is always goofing on his looks by saying that his Adam's apple looks big. Another caller said that Gary really gets on her nerves and he should be smacked in the face. Gary said that woman is mad at him because he's called her names before. They had to go to break a short time later.
The guys gave Howard a couple of examples which were actually pretty good. It's amazing how the criminal mind works sometimes. One of the guys told Howard how he stole a bicycle one time and this can work for other items also. He took the tags off the bike, walked it up to the counter and said he'd like to exchange it. They told him that he needed the receipt, he said he didn't have it. They told him to come back when he did have it and had him escorted out of the store with the bike that was never his to begin with! The guy said that was one of the better scams he'd pulled off in his life.
They also said that a lot of stores don't ever turn on their alarm systems which detect magnetic tags. They suggested to test something like that you put an item in someone else's bag as they walk out to see if it picks it up. They said if you have a conscience you can just take a tag off an item and throw it in so the person doesn't get arrested.
Jackie had a story about how his friends would have one guy fake an epileptic fit in a convenience store while the other guys stole beer. Gabriel and Gabor said that one is in the book also. They also say that men have an advantage because they can hide stuff in their pants easier than a woman can hide something in their shirts. Male security guards are more likely to check out a woman's chest before they check out a man's crotch as he walks by.
Benjy came in and said that he was able to travel across the country on an Amtrak train by hiding in the bathroom the whole time. He then would get a refund at the end of the trip. After Howard was done with these guys he said that stealing really bugs him because it just raises prices for everyone else. You can find out more about the book at www.trixnet.com.
Howard took some phone calls after letting the guys go. Some people called in to complain about the authors and their book. Howard said that his friends got caught stealing when he was younger and he could have easily been with them that day. The guys spent a short time talking about the shoplifting thing for a short time. Some more callers told their own shoplifting stories as well. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard went on to complain about the cold he was getting and how he blamed a sandwich he'd eaten. He moved on to KC's lie detector test after that. Howard had Ed Torian the lie detector tester guy come in to administer the test on him. Howard wants to find out whether or not KC is gay or not. They had Ed and KC in another room so Howard could talk to Ed through the headphones. Ed had KC all hooked up so Howard went ahead and asked over 30 questions. KC seemed a little nervous when they first started. The most interesting ones came at the end of the list. Here are just a few of them:
After a little while Ed came back with the results. It turns out that Ed found that KC is most likely a bi-sexual. KC argued about his findings but Ed said that KC was lying about things like wanting to kiss Gary's lips and about being attracted to Howard. He wasn't attracted to Jackie though. KC was so defiant of the results that Howard decided to test him again because the first time was kind of disorganized and they didn't write down all of the questions correctly.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls about the test and one guy claimed that KC would always be the last one out of the shower when he was in high school. Gay Rich said that he'd like to have the good half of him if he's half gay. He said that KC is really his type too. Ralph called in and said that he was calling to ask KC if he wanted to go shopping with him. Howard ended up hanging up on him though.
KC was still insisting that he wasn't bi-sexual or gay even though Howard and Robin were telling him was from what they had just learned. Howard took some phone calls and let some more people goof on KC about the whole thing. Ed Torian told Howard that he thinks that KC likes men and women equally from what he could tell in the test.
Howard sent KC off to get tested again. He wanted to have it a little more organized this time. They went to break as that was going on.
Jazmine now dances at a club called the ''O'Farrell Theater'' out in San Francisco. In the that place there's no alcohol served so the women are able to dance totally nude for guys. She was talking about the hemp products that she wears and uses in her personal life. She said that hemp has been used throughout history. Stuttering John said that he likes the hemp clothing because it's actually soft and very comfortable. John said that they could also make paper out of hemp instead of cutting down the trees.
Howard found out Jazmine lost her virginity when she was 15 or 16 but she was messing around with other girls when she was only 4 years old. Howard got back to the club she works at and asked her about the stuff she does there. She said that guys can take her into a private booth and she'll dance totally nude for them. She also hinted that she could do stuff to the guys. Howard seemed amazed by that revelation and said he wants to see this place for himself. She said that guys can touch her in the private booths. She said ''a little bit'' when Howard asked if he could touch her in the booth. She also said that she can touch the guys. She said it's pretty expensive there so it starts out at $80 for one dance.
Howard went through the process with Jazmine to find out how a typical dance would happen. She told him that she couldn't undo his pants but Howard said he thinks she could. He said he was totally arouse thinking about the booth with her in it. He asked her to stand up and show off her body. He asked to see her ass because that's a telltale sign of what's going on. She did some posing for them but then Howard heard that KC was ready for his next test.
Howard got back to Ed Torian and KC for their next test. He asked Kathy or Anne Marie to write down the questions so they could keep track better this time. Howard then had Ed ask KC the control questions before he gave him the rest of the questions he wanted him to ask. Howard asked a few questions about KC's sexual preference trying to find out if he's ever had gay dreams and things like that. KC admitted that he had.
Howard went through a bunch of questions and then got back to Jazmine. He spent a little more time talking to her about what she was up to. He asked her more about the place where she works. She talked about some of the stuff that goes on there. Gary said that he was reading between the lines in the notes but it seems like she'd be a lot of fun if you went to see her at the club. She said that she's been given $1000 for one dance in the booth before.
Stuttering John came in at one point and said he's been to that club that Jazmine works at. He said that there are a lot of odd things that go on there. There's one room where guys take flashlights into a totally dark room and look at the women's private parts with the flashlight. She said that there are some pretty excentric things that go on there. John said the only problem is that they don't serve alcohol there.
Howard wanted Jazmine to get naked for him right there in the studio but she didn't want to for some reason. Howard said that she does it for a living so he wondered why she wouldn't do it there. Gary told her that Howard would probably get her more business if she did get naked for him. Jazmine said that they could come see her at the club. Gary said that she had a guy there with her so maybe that was the reason. The guy was a black guy according to Gary. She said that she doesn't care what color a guy's skin is. Howard told her she didn't have to make excuses. Eventually they got her to take her top off. She had some nice natural breasts according to Howard. He said he was going to go to break and then they were going to find out about KC's test.
Howard said that if he took the test himself, they'd find that he was straight. He said he'd do it today but Ed had to go. He took some phone calls and one guy said that maybe KC was just nervous. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and let Ed go. He spent a couple of minutes talking to KC about how he had just failed the test two times. KC said that they could say what they want but it really doesn't mean anything. Howard said he's convinced that he's gay. Gary said that he doesn't think that KC is gay but he may have some issues to deal with in his sexual life.
Howard moved on to the next guest and asked Gary for a little bit of information on him. Gary gave him a quick rundown of who he was and then brought him into the studio.
Howard spent a few minutes discussing sexual stuff with the guy. He found out that Paul's genitals are in proportion to the rest of his body so they're pretty damn big. He said that his girlfriend is in pain after having sex with him. Howard said ''he'd split you like firewood'' to Robin. Paul is not able to have anal sex because he's so large.
Howard also spent some time talking to Paul about the court case he just won. He was charged with punching out some guy who was badgering him at a hotel. He was provoked in to punching the guy after the guy yelled stuff at him and pushed him. One punch from Paul broke the guy's jaw. Paul said that he did go to jail when he was young but he refused to tell Howard why that was. He did talk about the first time he was arrested though.
When he was 12 years old he was 6'2'' tall and weighed 220 pounds. He said he looked like he was 25. He was out with his classmates at some function when he kissed another 12 year old. Someone saw the kiss and thought he was an older guy so they called the cops. They arrested him and asked him for some ID. He didn't have any since he was only 12. He ended up in the back of a police car crying with his classmates looking on. Howard figured that must have screwed him up pretty good. An innocent kiss turned into an arrest.
Paul talked about how he got married at the age of 25 and had a kid with the woman. He said that it's hard to be married and be out on the road like he is. He said that his daughter turned out very beautiful and she's not extra tall or anything like that.
Howard took some calls for Paul and one guy said that he was in the lobby the night Paul hit the guy. He told Howard about what he saw go down. Another caller said that he was there too and saw something different than what the other guy had seen. He said that Paul had no right to go and punch this guy the way he did. Paul said that the other guy threw the first punch so he was justified in punching the other guy out. Howard wrapped up with Paul a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard heard that Gary was going to have his kids recording some stuff just playing around. Gary said he's going to have a bunch of kids over and he didn't think he could get permission from their parents to play it on the air. Howard got back to that speech and told Gary that he wants him to record that stuff. Gary said they have tape of him doing a bunch of other things so they don't need that.
Howard had Robin get back to her news and read through some more stories about...
Howard said that his father would tell him to shut up if he tried to ask him any questions when he came home from work. He said his father actually gave him some good advice when he was growing up so he shouldn't complain too much. Howard spent some time talking about his mother as well.
After that bit we heard a bunch of guys from the tapes team, Howard TV and others wishing their father's a Happy Father's day. They took a break and had a bunch of other guys giving their Father's Day wishes.
Around 11:05am Sir Harden Thicke introduced another segment where they had Ben talking about the old tapes that Howard has played on the show over the years. That led into an old segment where Howard played some of those tapes for the first time on the air. He talked about the mixed messages he got from his parents back in those days because they'd tell him how excited he should be and then yell at him if he got too excited. Howard said his father loves him now but back then he wasn't so sure.
Howard wasn't so sure how old he was at the time. Robin really wanted to know but he didn't have an exact answer for him. Scott the Engineer was pulling the clips off the old tapes as Howard was playing the stuff he had already pulled off. He played some of his father singing while his mother played piano. Scott told Howard that there were some clips where his father was asking political questions so he could try to find them if he wanted to listen. Scott said that Howard must have been about 5 and his father was asking him about politics. There was another clip where Howard got yelled at for making a joke about the ''Japs.'' Jackie said it was like a sitcom but Howard said that he was just a little kid and didn't know anything.
Robin eventually figured out that Howard was around 9 or 10 years old because of the questions that Ben was asking were from around 1965 or '65. They went through some more clips including one where Howard was singing ''Jelly Beaner'' with his sister. He played the clip of his father saying ''I told you not to be stupid you moron'' many, many times as they were going through those tapes.
In another segment we heard a ''Ben Marconi'' bit where they had Ben talking about the ''green type of tube'' and ''proper modulation.'' Howard said it was supposed to be the man who invented radio. Howard's Dad called in to talk about those clips some more. They talked about how rough Ben was on Howard when he was such a young kid. Howard also played some of his father's singing.
12:05pm: I have to leave the house, I'm unable to update this for a little while so I don't have and ending time at this point. I'll try to figure it out later today.
3:45pm: The Ben Stern Father's Day Special ran until 3:40pm this afternoon. They played many various segments from the show where Howard talked about his father and/or played clips of his father yelling at him when he was a kid.
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