For the week of 03/28/2005 to 04/01/2005

• Howard's Teeth, Robin's Jury Duty Discussed. 03/28/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Jim Florentine and Don Jamieson ''Terrorizing Telemarketers'' prank call, Roger Daltrey Performing ''Won't Get Fooled Again'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show saying that he thinks one of his teeth is going to have to come out. He said the one is still hurting a week and a half after he had root canals done on the two teeth. Robin told him the teeth looked fine right now. Howard changed subjects and said that Robin has jury duty today and she's supposed to leave at about 7 o'clock. Howard asked her if she wanted all of them to go with her. She said that would be fine because that way she'd probably get out of it. She has to drive all the way back to Staten Island so she needs to leave a good hour and a half before she needs to be there.

  Howard said that Tabitha Stevens will be back this week to show them how she bleached the inside of her butt. He was also talking about the college basketball games that have been on lately and how he hasn't been able to watch much. Gary came in and told Howard how good the games were this weekend. Howard said it frees him up for the weekend if he doesn't get into that stuff. Gary said he just watched the highlights. Gary told Howard how he was watching ''The Surreal Life'' last night and it was like watching a train wreck. He said that Chyna Doll is basically like a man in a wig. Howard said the worst show is Farah Fawcett's reality TV show. He's seen some of her show and explained why it's so awful. They make it seem like she's a huge star and she draws crowds around her but he thinks that's all a set up and they're making it seem like it's 1975 when she really was a star. They have Alana Stewart and Ryan O'Neal on the show and Howard said that Ryan seems to be thrilled that he's on camera again. Howard said the show is so bad that Terri Schiavo jumped out of bed and turned off her TV set. Gary asked Howard if he's sticking with ''Fat Actress.'' Howard said he liked the first episode but the second one was bad so he just turned it off. Robin said she did the same thing because the show just isn't good.

• Howard's Favorite, Bobby Fischer. 03/28/05. 6:15am
  Howard brought up this chess player Bobby Fischer who has been in the news lately. He read that the guy was in Japan recently and managed to become a citizen of Iceland so the Japanese had to extradite him to that country after he was arrested there. Howard had some audio clips of Bobby talking about how he knew the interviewer's father and how he was Jewish. The interviewer thought that Bobby was a Jew as well but Bobby said that he was checked out and given a clean bill of health and didn't want to be listed as a Jew. Bobby went off on the interviewer's father calling him a ''typical Jewish snake'' at one point. He was also talking about how he had some stuff stolen from him and how it was the Jews who stole it from him. Howard liked hearing him so much that he'd like to give him a job over at ''Eh, eh, eh'' (Sirius) when he moves over there. He and the guys spent a couple of minutes goofing on the guy about some of the stuff he said in those audio clips.

• Dirty Bathroom, Michael Jackson And More. 03/28/05. 6:30am
  After the break Howard mentioned his web site's ''Page 69'' where they have some gossip about what goes on behind the scenes there at the station. He said there's one woman there at the station who says that the women's bathroom is just as disgusting as the mens bathroom is there. Robin said that the bathroom isn't as dirty as the men's room but it is pretty disgusting. She explained how someone disposed of some feminine products in the wrong way so there's a note taped to the garbage. Jason came in and told Howard about some of the weird stuff in the men's room there. Howard said that Tom tells everyone that they have to use the bathroom because they're responsible for cleaning up after themselves. Howard said that guy doesn't make sense and he's not sure how he's made it so far in his career with that mentality.

  Howard read an article about Michael Jackson doing an interview with Reverend Jesse Jackson. Michael apparently thinks that he's being framed and locked up in jail like Elvis Presley and other celebrities. Michael said that he is a warrior and he will fight the claims being made about him.

  Howard talked about the Terri Schiavo case and how the family is saying that she tried to talk this past week after her feeding tube was removed. Robin said the time to talk was about 7 years ago. Howard said that House majority leader, Tom Delay, who is against the killing of Schiavo, stopped doctors from doing anything to keep his father alive 17 years ago when he passed away. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the hypocrisy that's out there.

  Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to help design his new studio over at Sirius. Howard told her not to bother because he doesn't want her coming back to them in a year and claiming they stole her ideas. He said he'd rather have a bad studio than take her designs. She claims that she works for an architect and she's a designer. Howard told her multiple times that he didn't want the designs from her and let her go a short time later. Someone told her to just give the plans to someone like Mancow. Howard went on to talk about how Mancow seems to be the most desperate guy out there trying to get his job. He's claiming that he beats Howard all over the place but Howard says that the guy is in about 17th place in the ratings in his home town of Chicago. Howard knows that there are a lot of guys out there who want to replace him. He said he knows that Kidd Chris doesn't want to take his place because he knows how people will hate him if he goes on right after he leaves. Chris says he wants to take over for the person who replaces Howard. Howard said he's really not going away, he's just moving to a new medium. He hopes that it's successful when he moves over to the new place even though it doesn't matter either way for him. He said it will be interesting to see what happens and he hopes it's successful because he thinks that it's a great quality, product.

• Mike Meets Kiefer Sutherland. 03/28/05. 6:50am
  Howard took a call from the guy, Mike, who created the life size Beetlejuice head that's available at JollyDwarf.com. Mike said he ran into Kiefer Sutherland out in L.A. and just said ''Gravitas'' as he was walking past him. He was referring to Kiefer's interview on ''Inside the Actor's Studio'' that Howard has goofed on. Mike said that Kiefer complained about Howard ''crapping on him'' all the time even though he likes the show. Howard said he doesn't crap on him, he just likes that ''Gravitas'' statement he made and they've had some fun with it. Howard played some of the clips that they've created using the audio from that interview that Kiefer did on ''Inside the Actor's Studio'' and had some fun with those. Howard thinks it's funny that Kiefer thinks he's goofing on him. Mike gave a plug for his web site Mike-Marino.com telling Howard that they do prosthetic make up for movies and stuff. Howard let him go after that.

  A caller brought up a story about how Clear Channel lost a $90 million lawsuit to a motocross promotor and wondered if Howard had heard it. Howard said he read the headline but didn't read the whole article. He said that those guys are just a bunch of scumbags and he's not surprised that they lost the case. That led to Howard talking about how glad he is that he's going to satellite because of what's going on in the radio business right now. Howard said even Les Moonves from Viacom agrees that it was the right move for him at this point in his career.

  Howard took a call from Bobo who brought up the Crazy Cabbie court case and how his sentencing was delayed because of some things that weren't straightened out yet. Howard said he feels bad for Cabbie and Robin said she was surprised to see him there this morning. Howard said Cabbie was so out of it that he was announcing that he didn't pay his taxes while he was on the air. Howard and Robin talked about the delay and wondered what's going to happen next. Howard went to commercial a short time after that.

• Burger King Breakfast And Robin Runs Off To Jury Duty. 03/28/05. 7:10am
  Howard came back from break and talked about how he likes Burger King's attitude. He said they just came out with a new breakfast omelet that's got 730 calories and 47 grams of fat in it and they're bragging about it. He said they obviously know that fat people want to eat something huge so that's what they've brought out. He read the ingredients of the meal and it sounded pretty good to Artie. Howard said the omelet has more than your daily suggested amount of sodium in it. Howard said these companies should just admit that their products will kill you and there wouldn't be any lawsuits.

  Robin had to get going at this point because she had to go to jury duty. Howard said that someone like Robin shouldn't have to go to jury duty... but then again, he thought that maybe he should show up for jury duty next time he's asked because he really shouldn't be so worried about going to work. He thought it would be kind of cool to be in a jury and watch a case. He knows they wouldn't allow him to do something like that though. He went on to say that he'd have to admit that in a divorce case he wouldn't be able to be unbiased because he's been through one. He and Artie talked about that for a short time. Howard said he has a lot of problems with the way the divorce laws work. Howard was telling some stories about how guys get screwed in their divorces and have to pay tons of money to women who never lifted a finger to do anything.

• Eric The Actor Calls In. 03/28/05. 7:20am
  Howard took a call from Eric the Actor (AKA Eric the Midget) who will be appearing on ''American Dreams'' this week. As soon as Howard picked up the phone he goofed on Eric's voice. He said that he sounds kind of like the Pope. He played some audio of the Pope who can barely speak these days. He said the Catholics love it for some reason because the guy is suffering for them. He got back to Eric and asked him what he wanted. Eric let Howard know that his episode of the show airs this Wednesday. Eric asked Howard if they've been watching the show lately. Howard said ''no'' and that no one is watching it and that's why they put him on the show. Eric wondered if they're going to show any of his stuff on the E! show. Howard said they don't have any plans to do that and Eric said the producer of the show was kind of bummed out about that when he told him that. Eric told Howard that he missed his birthday a couple of weeks ago. He's 30 years old now. Howard said he can't believe he missed that birthday. He played a bit the guys put together using Eric's audio clips and a gay bondage video. He also had another bit called Eric the Midget falls. Then there was Eric making demands for when he was going to be interviewed. He demanded that Howard take the interview more seriously than they have in the past. Howard said Eric could put anyone to sleep. He asked Eric who he thinks he is making demands like that. Eric wasn't sure. He told Howard he'll be calling back in on Thursday to find out of the guys watched ''American Dreams.''

• Dominic Barbara, Fartman And Howard's Dinner With Artie And Robin. 03/28/05. 7:30am
  Dominic Barbara called in and brought up the divorce conversation again. He and Howard were talking about whether or not women deserve the guy's money in a divorce or even pension money when the guy dies. Howard said that there are cases where a woman deserves to get money but there are a lot of cases where they don't. Dominic had some formulas that made it seem like a guy could give up a good portion of his income and still live a nice life. Howard was talking about guys who aren't making the kind of money that Dominic was talking about and it didn't have to do with child support and stuff like that. He was talking about women taking a guy's money without the child support. Howard got Dominic off the phone and said they were going to play ''Guess Who's The Jew'' after the break.

  Howard also said he tried to make a phony phone call last week as Fartman. He said he was trying to search through the phone book to find his mother ''Mrs. Fartman'' but came upon ''Mrs. Farman'' and called the wrong number. Howard thought the premise was good but he wasn't sure he pulled off the call or not. He was telling the woman that he wanted her to help him fight crime but she didn't know what he was talking about. Howard admitted it was a little weird. Gary said it worked for him though.

  Howard mentioned that he went out to dinner with Artie and Robin the other night to a fancy place called Per Se. He said that Robin picked up the bill and it had to have been at least a thousand bucks. Artie said the food was unbelievable. Mr. X was there as well and he was bitching the whole time about how he couldn't sit there and eat food like that. Howard said he felt bad for Robin because the guy was giving them such a hard time. Artie said that he had to wear a suit to the place because Robin put the fear of God into him when she told him about the dress code. Artie said they brought them for a tour of the kitchen and it was the cleanest kitchen he's ever seen. Howard said he was congratulating the chefs but they wouldn't even crack a smile because they were so serious. The meal lasted a full four hours. Artie complained that they didn't have Jack Daniels there but Howard said that they had Johnny Black so that's what Artie was drinking instead. Artie had about six glasses of that stuff with a splash of water. Howard had to take another break after that.

• Tall Goddess Lorraine Dominates Richard Christy. 03/28/05. 7:55am
  Howard came back from commercial break and said he was reading that Page 69 thing on his web site. In the gossip column they say that Mike Gange was told by his doctor not to eat and drink too much because he has a ''fatty liver.'' Gange explained to Howard what that meant and how he needs to lose some weight and stop drinking for a while. He said his liver is kind of enlarged so that's why he has to stop that. There was also a story about Sal the Stockbroker sticking his hands down his pants and then handing a cart to Howard. The guys said that he does that all the time and they've all noticed that. Gary said that Sal also still shakes like he has Parkinsons when he gives something to Howard. Howard said he doesn't want Sal handing him the carts anymore because of that.

  Howard said they have this woman Lorraine there. He started to explain why she was there but she came walking in before he could finish. She was really tall and pretty hot according to Howard. She's known as ''Tall Goddess'' for some reason. Gary told Howard that they got a call from movie producer Robert Evans who helped save Paramount studios back in the 70s. He was the one who met this woman and referred her to the show. Gary said Evans said he's not sleeping with this woman but he wouldn't mind doing that. Lorraine said that Mr. Evans is 75 years old and she probably wouldn't sleep with him. Lorraine also said that she heard that Gary hung up on him when he called. Gary said that was actually an intern who hung up on him because he wouldn't explain who he was.

  Lorraine said that she is directing porn movies and she has done some soft core porn herself. Howard was having some trouble getting a straight answer out of her though. Howard said that they wouldn't have even had her on the show if it wasn't for Robert Evans. He told her that she should give Evans sex for that. She said they should check back with her in 2 to 3 weeks to find out if anything has happened.

  Howard decided to play ''Guess Who's The Jew'' with Kurt Waldheim Jr. (Fred) which they haven't played in quite some time. Fred got into character and became Kurt. Lorraine had a bit of a German accent so that's why they were playing the game with her. Lorraine got in a plug for her web site TallGoddess.com where you can check her out. She was throwing in some plugs for her movies and stuff like Howard was supposed to know about them but he had no idea. Howard cut her off and had her play Guess Who's the Jew. Kurt gave her the names that she had to choose from. The three names were Antonio Banderas, Jorge Posada and Fidel Castro. One of those people is either a Jew or has Jewish lineage. Lorraine guessed that it was Posada but she was wrong, it was actually Fidel Castro.

  A caller asked Howard if this was a ''tall goddess'' or a ''tall guy'' because her voice was so low. Lorraine said that she can't change her voice and offered to show them that she was a woman. She showed Howard and he said she's definitely no guy. Hook Nose Mike called in and told Howard that he should get her naked because there was too much talk. Howard ended up asking her more questions about what she's done in her career. She said she used to be a dominatrix over in Germany and she used to get paid about $500 an hour doing that job. She told Howard about some of the unusual things that guys would do with her. She now lives in Los Angeles and does nude modeling for her web site TallGoddess.com.

  Howard heard that Richard Christy was willing to be dominated so he asked her if she would do that. Lorraine said she would do it as long as Richard was naked. Howard wanted her naked instead so she agreed to take her dress off. Richard came in and told her that she could do just about anything to him as long as she didn't break any bones. Richard took off his clothes and Gary noticed that he was wearing ''The Simpsons'' boxer shorts and it kind of looked like he might be pitching a tent. Richard said he wasn't aroused yet though so he didn't know what he was talking about. Lorraine took off her dress while Richard was tied to the tickle post. She said she was tempted to pull Richard's pants down but that was up to Richard. Richard said whatever she wanted to do was fine with him. Lorraine had Richard turn around and then pulled down his boxer shorts. She was rubbing him so Artie was afraid that Richard was going to get excited. She rubbed his ass and belly sensuously and then spanking him. Richard said he liked the rubbing part but the spanking was painful. He was getting kind of tender back there. Doug Goodstein gave them some cooking oil to spray him down with but the guys thought that was kind of gay. Richard was yelling out each time he got spanked. Howard asked if Richard had enough at that point. Richard said he was willing to go through some more to be a good sport. Lorraine ended up doing some ''nipple torture'' to him and had Richard yelling out again. She bit his nipple and surprised him a couple of times. Howard said that it looked like Richard was getting aroused. Richard said it was kind of exciting to him. Lorraine continued to spank and hit him until he finally said ''That's it!'' and made her stop. Lorraine was spraying some whipped cream on Richard but Howard cut her off and gave Lorraine a plug for her web site TallGoddess.com and wrapped up the interview.

• Gary Garver Interviews And TV Show Discussions. 03/28/05. 8:40am
  Howard came back and said that the last segment was really weird with Richard Christy getting spanked. He said that his ass was beet red after the spankings he got. Howard also mentioned that Robin was out at jury duty this morning and reviewed some of the stuff they did earlier in the morning. He then played some audio of actor Tom Sizemore crying in court. He was weeping and you could barely understand what he was saying. Howard had another audio clip of Cameron Diaz from The Tonight Show. He said that it seems like she has a really bad personality. He played the clip and asked if it ruined it for everyone else like it did for him. Cameron rambled on and on about how she went around the world to places that they wanted to show to MTV viewers. Howard said that some chicks just talk too much and don't make any sense. He said that just isn't hot.

  Howard had some new Gary Garver interviews from the TV Land Award Show. Garver got an interview with Carol Burnett and asked her a couple of questions about the show and what she would like to change about her life. He asked her if she's ever had a gay experience. Burnett said that she hasn't had any homosexual experiences but she has had gay (happy) experiences. Garver also asked her if she has slept with any black people. She laughed and said it never came up and said there's nothing wrong with that. Garver got an interview with Tommy Smothers. He asked him about what he thinks about Howard moving to satellite radio. Smothers said that he finds it odd that Howard is the poster boy for free speech while there are so many other things going on in this world that need to be fixed. Garver asked Smothers a couple of other questions including one about Michael Jackson and if he's ever slept with a black person. Smothers said he's been with black, Chinese and Japanese women and they're all fine. Howard wondered if anyone cared about Jason Priestley. Gary said the interesting thing is that Jason says he was never mad at Howard. Gary said he doesn't believe that though. Howard didn't even play the interview because he wasn't that interested in it.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked if he'd watched last night's ''The Contender.'' Howard watched it and said the show was great but it doesn't get very good ratings. Gary had just gotten the ratings report and told Howard how it did. It came in with a 3.6 rating after ''The Simpsons.'' ABC's ''Extreme Makeover'' gets huge ratings so the guys ended up talking about that for a few minutes. Howard had never seen the show and had no idea what it was about. Gary explained it to Howard and said that Scott DePace is really into that show. That led to Howard talking about watching ''America's Funniest Home Videos'' last night instead of watching ''60 Minutes.'' He said that the show was really funny and he laughs at that stuff. He said that when you watch that show you see how fat people are in this country. Scott DePace came in and said the wrap arounds that Tom Bergeron does are the worst on that show. They talked about one video where a woman was stuck in a water slide and another person had to give her a push to get her down the slide. Richie from E! came in and told Howard that he took a flight recently where this woman must have weighed 400 pounds. She was so fat that he couldn't put the arm rest down between him and the woman.

  Ralph called in and told Howard that he thinks he's done with The Contender after last night's show because of the way they run it all over the place and how they brought back a guy who had already been kicked off the show. Howard said he thinks the show will be over now that the ratings have dropped so far.

  Artie said that he read that the fattest city in the country is in Houston, Texas because people are so lazy down there. He said that they just use air conditioning all the time and don't leave their homes for like 8 months a year. Artie said he watched a show about the people down there. They had one woman who said she drives her son to school every day because it's so hot outside. The school is only about 100 yards away and the kids is huge because of that.

• Siobhan The Transsexual Comes In. 03/28/05. 9:00am
  Howard brought up this guy Siobhan who used to come on the show years ago and talked about getting a sex change operation. He bailed out on getting the sex change operation at one time but then ended up getting the operation. Gary said that he made the mistake of calling Siobhan ''He'' while he was talking to him.

  Howard had the guys bring Siobhan in. Gary said that he looks the same as he did years ago but he has started to show some age. Siobhan said that ''she'' is going to be a grandmother soon. Her voice was a little higher than it used to be so Howard asked him what was up with that. She has been trying to raise it up a bit to sound more like a woman and that's just the way she sounds. Siobhan has lost a lot of his hair as well so she said it's looking pretty bad. She has this ''hideous mutant mullet'' hair that she pulled out from under the bandanna she was wearing. Artie said she looks like Sigorney Weaver. Howard asked Siobhan how painful the sex change operation was. She said that it was bad and she was in the hospital for 9 days. Howard wanted to see what's going on down there but Siobhan warned him that it wasn't done yet so it was going to look bad. He said that he hasn't had the labiaplasty done on him yet. She was showing Howard some stuff and Howard noticed how big his hands were. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to see it or not after she talked about it a little bit. Howard heard that Siobhan owes $22,000 for the operation and he owes it to her brother. She said that she's worried about her brother losing his house because he can't afford to pay that money. She's looking to get back into nude modeling at art schools to make some money but Howard and Gary weren't sure how that was possible.

  A phone caller said that he slept with a post-op transsexual one time and it wasn't that bad. He said the worst part was when he woke up after a nap and saw a beard growing on the woman he slept with. Howard took some other phone calls after that. One guy asked Siobhan how she could take the money from her brother if she knew she couldn't afford it. Siobhan said that she's paid up through June and might be able to make the July payment but the next five years it's going to be hell for her. Howard said he could give her $500 cash to help out if she showed them what's going on down below. She mentioned that she had a culture done down below that ended up smelling like some kind of cheese. She was also saying that she has some nasty hemorrhoids because she's got Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to look at the thing by himself so he made Artie look at it. Siobhan pulled down her pants and showed the guys what she had done down there. She said that it was beautiful but the guys said it was pretty bad. Gary said that the doctor must have missed by about a foot or so. Artie said that it kind of stunk in there and he wasn't sure where the smell was coming from.

  Howard remembered some of the stuff that Siobhan did years ago. He had defended him at a party one time and Siobhan ended up sending him some creepy letters about how they were going to have a life together once his wife was out of the way. Howard said that he was going to give Siobhan $1000 to help him out. He also had Siobhan's daughter Helene come in so he could meet her. Howard asked her if she's okay with all of this stuff that her father has done. She seemed okay with it but didn't want to see her vagina after Howard asked her about that. Zolar called in and started to call Siobhan some names so Howard hung up on him. Another guy called in and called Siobhan a freak and went off on her for a short time. Howard figures that Siobhan must get that kind of stuff all day long. Ralph called in a little later and said that maybe Howard should start a fund for Siobhan because he's obviously disturbed and needs help. Siobhan said that she's not disturbed and she was never a man. She was a woman from the day she was born.

  Howard said it was kind of funny that Yucko the Clown was there to sit in for the news but there wasn't going to be any news because Robin wasn't there. Howard said if Yucko met Siobhan he'd go nuts. He had the guys bring him in a short time later so Yucko could meet Siobhan. Yucko came in and immediately asked ''What the hell is that?'' Yucko goofed on Siobhan a little bit and said that she was disgusting. Siobhan pointed out that Yucko's outfit was disgusting because he hasn't washed it in years. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up with Siobhan and went to break.

• Yucko The Clown Sits In. 03/28/05. 9:45am
  Howard came back from break and brought Yucko the Clown in to sit in for the rest of the show. Robin was out at jury duty so they weren't going to be doing a regular news segment. Howard and the guys talked about how hot Siobhan's daughter was and how they could probably get past her father's genital mutilation to date her. Yucko said that sometimes you just have to look past a girl's father's genital mutilation when you want to date them. Howard did a little bit of a news segment on his own when he brought up the Terri Schiavo case and spent a few minutes on that. He also talked about Michael Jackson who thinks that the case against him all has to do with him being black.

  Howard said that he was watching Yucko's ''Damn Show'' DVD and he thinks that they should put more Yucko on there. Howard also said he heard that Yucko has a TV show deal with MTV. Yucko said he's working on some stuff but didn't say exactly what that was. Howard gave Yucko a plug for a gig he has this weekend and then took some phone calls to kills some time.

  Howard was having some trouble with his phones for some reason. Double A called in but didn't answer Howard immediately. He said he didn't hear Howard pick up the phone. He asked Howard if Beth O is going to be part of Howard's big Farewell tour. Howard said that Beth did say that she would be part of it. Double A also said he was down in South Beach, Miami and they're really looking forward to seeing him down there. Howard let Double A go after that and then read some e-mail. There was some mail about the contest they held on the show the other day with some of the guys getting dressed up as girls. Howard said a lot of people are asking when that's going to air on E! but he hasn't heard when that will happen. Robin Radzinski came in and told Howard that it will probably air sometime next week. She said they have a lot of behind the scenes stuff that they want to do right so it'll take some time to get it ready.

  A listener called in and asked Howard about the remade of Rock and Roll High School that he's working on. Howard said that they're still working on it but they haven't come up with a good script yet. The caller also mentioned that the investigation into Don Imus' cancer ranch has been dropped. Howard read a few more e-mails and got ready to wrap up the show but Yucko didn't have much time to plug his gigs and stuff. Howard decided to take another break so they could come back and spend a few more minutes taking phone calls before ending the show.

• And Finally... 03/28/05. 10:10am
  Howard came back from break and took a couple more phone calls before ending the show. Jeff the Drunk called in and said he wanted to take a hit for them. Howard said that it's been done but Artie said he didn't do it today. Yucko thought it was pretty entertaining so they let Jeff take the hit and let him cough for a minute. Howard told Jeff that the act was getting old after he stopped coughing. He also said he missed the actual inhaling so he wanted to hear that again. Jeff took another hit a few seconds later and coughed for another 30 seconds or so. Jeff said that he cleaned his bowl last night and it wasn't making much noise. Jeff says he's not putting it on like some people think. He took a third hit and coughed again for a few seconds. Howard cut Jeff off and played the prank call that Sal and Richard made to a Japanese restaurant where they used Jeff the Drunk's cough as their cough after trying some wasabe.

  A listener called in and wanted to talk about the Terri Schiavo case. He said he feels that they're being kind of inhumane with the way they're killing her off. He said that they should throw a rock at her head or put her to sleep like they do with a dog. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the case and how he agrees that they should allow them to put her to sleep but it just won't happen.

  Another phone caller told Howard that he has to stop in Pittsburgh when he goes on this upcoming farewell tour of his. Howard said he'll be there and it will be like Woodstock. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he wants to keep people like Terri Shiavo alive because he works in a hospital and gets to diddle the patients who are out. Howard whipped through a bunch of phone calls after that. There was one guy who said Yucko could probably do a better job than Robin doing the news. Someone calling himself Bozo the Clown called in and did an impression of Yucko on the show today. He whistled and them made an exploding sound like he was bombing. Howard thought Yucko was a bit low key today for some reason. Fred said it seemed like it was more of a business meeting than a comedy appearance. Howard thought that maybe he was trying to be more acceptable because he's trying to get this MTV deal. Fred was doing an impression of Yucko that was pretty funny. Howard ended the show around 10:25am.

• Robin Returns From Jury Duty. 03/29/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Multiple phony phone calls to a talk show, Green Day performing ''Blood, Sex and Booze'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talking to Robin about her jury duty. Robin said that she's free from that and doesn't have to go back. She said she sat there all day and doesn't have to go back for at least 6 years. She explained how they picked the jury and how they let some people leave right away but they were told they may have to come back. Robin lucked out and stayed there and was told she was free to go. Howard wondered if she was the only black person there. She said there weren't a lot but there were a few. Howard figured there were no black people on Staten Island. Artie thought that Ol' Dirty Bastard was from Staten Island but Howard was pretty sure he was from Brooklyn. That led to the guys talking about O.D.B. for a couple of minutes. Howard played a song parody tribute to the guy and said that the guy was really great. He said he'd put him right up there with Sam Kinison as far as being a great guest. Robin said that Sam was a little better than that so Howard agreed and said that at least Sam would show up when he was scheduled.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that he got his latest issue of FHM magazine but the page with Beth's advice column was torn out of it. He figures the mail man must have ripped it out. Howard had some other Beth news and said that she and his dog will be appearing in New York Dog since she's tied up with the North Shore Animal League. He said that the magazine is pretty new and it should be available in Barnes and Noble bookstores. Howard had to hang up on the guy because he had taken a hit off his pipe and started coughing.

• Howard's Review Of ''Sin City.'' 03/29/05. 6:10am
  Howard said he got to see the movie ''Sin City'' yesterday when he was offered a special screening. He said it was just him, Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows, Ralph and Dominic Barbara. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how odd Dominic looks since he lost weight. He seems to think that the guy looks just as bad now as he did when he was fat. Howard said Dominic kind of creeped into the screening and started making noise during the movie. Howard couldn't see who it was until after the movie was done. Howard finally saw him when the lights came up and the guy was staring at him in a creepy way. Howard asked Anne Marie to remove his name from the movie list so he doesn't have to deal with that. Ralph ended up showing up late for the movie but he'd asked him to hold it up for him.

  Howard said that Ralph shook his hand before the movie started and all he could think about was what could have been on Ralph's hand. He obsessed about it during the whole movie and thought about going out to wash them. He kept thinking about not putting his hand on his face. About half way through the movie he realized his face was up by his face so he couldn't stop thinking about that stuff. Robin asked him if he uses hand sanitizer. Howard said he was using it but it made his hands flake because he was using it so often. Howard figures Ralph was probably picking his nose and ass all day and he doesn't want that. Robin said that if you just deal with that stuff it might help keep his immune system in top shape. Howard said he loved ''Sin City'' and thought it was very Quentin Tarantino-ish. It's shot in a pretty unique way and he said that even Mickey Rourke is good in the movie.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who said there's nothing wrong with not wanting to shake hands. People are always picking their nose and doing stuff like that. Howard said that Ralph knows not to shake hands and he doesn't know why he did that. The caller also brought up how he really thinks that Howard isn't going to be safe when he makes the move to satellite. Howard told the guy that a lot of weird things happened to him when he got political so he's learned to keep his mouth shut. The caller thinks that Howard should just keep talking about that stuff but Howard told him he doesn't care what he thinks and he has to live his own life. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy after he talked about how he thought Howard was a hypocrite and dropped the ball when he stopped talking about the political stuff.

• Terri Schiavo, Double A And More. 03/29/05. 6:20am
  Howard changed subjects and brought up the Terri Schiavo case. He wasn't aware of how she ended up in the coma she was in. He read that she was overweight in high school and ended up losing weight after that. She got really hot looking and met this guy she married. She joined a gym and got even better looking. There are rumors that she was thinking about getting out of the marriage but the husband says that they were talking about having kids. She ended up getting kind of nutty about the dieting so she started eating and vomiting. The vomiting caused a potassium imbalance which threw off her electrolytes and ended up having a heart attack and going into this vegetative state she was in. That led to Howard and Robin talking about the people protesting the Schiavo case and how there are much more important things they should be worried about.

  Howard played tape of the Pope trying to speak on Easter Sunday but the guy can barely get a word out. Howard said Gary played a game with him where he had to guess whether the audio he was hearing was a humpback whale, Terri Schiavo or a porn movie. He wasn't able to figure out which one it was when he heard the clips though. He was going to play the clips but they weren't in his CD player. Howard took a call from a doctor who said that they don't let people just die these days. They will do anything to keep people alive even if they have no cognitive functions. Howard said that he wants to go peacefully when he dies.

  Double A called in and asked Howard about ''Sin City.'' He wondered if there was any nudity. Howard said there was some nudity and James King, the model, was nude in the movie. Jessica Alba was really hot but not naked. He said there wasn't any hard core nudity. Double A also asked why Beth O wasn't there at the screening. Howard said she stayed home and ended up cooking him dinner. He said he loves when a woman will do that for him. Robin told him he'd better marry that woman. Howard said ''I know... I know.'' Howard and Beth have talked about how they will just give up on the relationship when they get tired of one another but he's not getting sick of her at all. They've been together for 5 years now and things are going fine. He said Beth made him some turkey burgers, string beans with tomato and garlic and some acorn squash... all of his favorites. He also said that Beth doesn't wear a bra when she cooks and she made sure her thong was showing. Beth even wrote that up in her column saying that's the way she keeps things hot. She'll even let her sweat pants drop so he can see the whole thong. Double A wanted to be invited over to see that but Howard told him that it's just for him.

  A caller brought up the Terri Schiavo case again and said that when he's seen video of that chick, her eyes are open and she looks conscious. That led to Howard playing the Terri Schiavo audio clips that he was talking about. He played some of the clips of what sounded like a woman just moaning. He played another one that sounded like a woman moaning and a third one that was kind of whale like. It was kind of obvious which one was which. Howard thought it was kind of cold to put a game like that together. That didn't stop him from playing more clips and he thought about how horrible it was to put something like that together. Joey Boots was the guy who put the stuff together so he was on the line to talk about it. He was telling Howard that he'd be willing to work as a bathroom attendant there at the station to get a job there. He's willing to do anything there to get a job. Howard said that might be a way to get him up there. Howard said that Joey is a sick guy for putting that stuff together. Boots also asked Howard why they're giving Terri Schiavo morphine if they say she can't feel anything. Howard didn't have an answer. He had to take a break a short time later.

• Various Time Killers. 03/29/05. 6:55am
  Howard came back from break and took a phone call. A caller told Howard that he met Howard in Union Square last year and shook his hand. Howard said it wasn't that big of a deal to shake hands, it was just that he didn't want to have Ralph's ''spunk'' on him all day, that's why he was going off on him earlier.

  Howard played some audio of Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy going out and interviewing people about Don Imus' troubles with his cancer ranch. Most of the clips he played were people who didn't have any idea who Imus was. Howard also played some audio clips of Pat O'Brien's voice mail messages to a woman he was hitting on. The clip was full of bleeps because he was cursing and talking about what he'd do to the woman. O'Brien was also talking about getting some coke to do with the woman. Howard said that's why this country is so great. Howard isn't sure that's even really Pat O'Brien but people on the internet are saying it's him.

  Howard said that Ace Frehley from KISS is coming in and Sal the Stockbroker was telling him some wacky stuff about the guy. Nikki Ziering will be in as well and Doug Stanhope will be sitting in for the news. Howard got back to the voice mail he was playing and talked about how he'd never leave a voice mail like that on anyone's answering machine.

  Howard said that he's still in the middle of watching the movie ''The Rundown'' with The Rock. He hasn't been able to watch the whole thing yet. Robin said she can't sit through it and Jason came in and told him not to waste his time with the movie. Howard said he's kind of digging it. Howard brought up how a lot of people think that Jason is gay because of something he wrote over at HowardStern.com. Jason said he was being sarcastic when he wrote about his day off with Will. He's not gay. Gary came in and said that he's heard that Jason likes playing with his girlfriend's cat a little too much. He heard that he'll go over to her house and spend like 4 hours playing with the cat. Jason said the cat is cute and he likes to play with it. He wondered if that makes him gay. Gary told him it does.

  Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy said that Nikki Ziering had been in rehab. Howard told him to call in when she comes in so he can ask her about that. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.

• Audio Clips And More. 03/29/05. 7:20am
  After the break Howard played more of the alleged Pat O'Brien clips he had played earlier in the morning. Howard then brought up the dinner he, Artie and Robin had out the other night. They talked about it during yesterday's show but Robin was at jury duty so she didn't get to talk about it. Howard said they were talking about Mr. X and how he was kind of a pain in the ass at the dinner the other night. He kept asking when they were going to leave because he wanted to get out of there. Howard said the guy was like a little kid wanting to get out of there. Artie was sipping a bunch of drinks while they were there so Howard was goofing on him about that. He also brought up how Artie wore a suit to the place because it was such a fancy restaurant. They had a picture of him in a suit from when he did the Donald Trump roast and Robin said it did look kind of odd.

  Howard played the Pat O'Brien clips again and wondered what was going on there. The clips were kind of creepy and he's not even sure that they're really Pat O'Brien. Howard mentioned that they have pictures of Lorraine the ''Tall Goddess'' on his web site today. He had to tell Robin what happened on the show yesterday since she was out at jury duty. He told her about the way Richard Christy was being dominated by the chick. They pulled some audio clips of Richard making some weird noises while Lorraine was spanking him and doing other things to him. Howard showed Robin some of the pictures they had of what went on. Howard said they have some other stories on the site that people might be interested in reading. Jason wrote up a story about what the bathroom was like yesterday. Howard played more clips of Richard Christy's odd noises and threw in some of the Pat O'Brien clips. Howard said that a guy like that really does need to check into rehab after leaving messages like that.

  Howard said that Ace Frehley was there and some of the guys were acting kind of gay. He said that Mike Gange was out operating the camera today so he could be the one interviewing Ace. Mike came so Howard could goof on him a bit. Mike told Howard that he grew up with the band and it's kind of cool that he can interview the guy. Howard said that's gay. Mike said that he knows that it's kind of gay and he realized that when he sent the guys a picture of himself with the band yesterday. Howard said they have to take a break before getting to Ace.

• A Quick Visit With KISS' Ace Frehley And Chuck Zito. 03/29/05. 7:50am
  After the break Howard brought in Ace Frehley from the band KISS. Howard said he doesn't know a lot about Ace but Sal the Stockbroker does. Ace is in a movie called ''Remedy'' which is available on DVD. Chuck Zito came walking in before Ace did. Howard was kind of surprised to see him walk in. Ace told Howard about this movie and explained what it's about. Chuck is also in the movie playing a police captain. Howard said that's quite a change for Chuck.

  Howard asked Ace if he's in the band right now. Ace said he's not currently touring with them. Howard asked him if he hates Gene Simmons. Ace said he loves Gene and wouldn't say a bad word about the guy. Howard asked him if he thinks they go a little bit overboard with the KISS merchandise. Ace said they do tend to go a little overboard with that stuff. Ace talked about how the band didn't become KISS until he joined. He didn't think that their previous name, Wicked Lester, would make it. Ace told Howard about his wife and daughter and said that he's one of the happiest guys in the world. He didn't come in to talk about KISS so he sounded kind of bummed out while he was talking about it.

  Ace bailed out of the band when they decided to open up for a band that opened for them years ago. That band was Aerosmith. Gary came in after that and said that Ace's manager wanted him to leave because he didn't want him talking about the KISS stuff. Howard said that he hoped he didn't want to offend anyone so he'd give Ace a plug for the movie. He moved on to talk to Chuck Zito for a short time. Chuck says he's out of the Hells Angels at this point but he's still friends with those guys.

  Robin asked Chuck about being at Scores the night that Ralph got punched out. Some people thought that it was Chuck who beat Ralph up but Chuck had no idea what happened. He said that Ralph told him he got punched in the face for no reason but Chuck knows that people don't get punched in the face for no reason. Chuck told Howard that he just finished a new movie called ''Carlito's Way: The Beginning'' which is a prequel to the original ''Carlito's Way.'' Howard didn't want to get in anymore trouble with Ace's manager so he gave him a plug for the movie and started to wrap up the segment. Ace told Howard he's working on a movie treatment now that involves motorcycles and aliens. Howard said he'd take a break and find out what he did wrong. Gary came back in and said that the manger told him that they were there to talk about the movie, not about Ace.

  Sal the Stockbroker came in dressed up as Ace Frehley in KISS. He told Ace that he got beat up in school because he dressed up like him but he has continued to dress up like him anyway because he's such a great guy. Sal was going off on the rest of the band members and how Ace is KISS and it was his band. After that Howard gave Ace and Chuck another plug for the movie and said you can visit RemedyTheMovie.com to find out more about it.

• Sal The Stockbroker's Paranoia Exposed. 03/29/05. 8:15am
  Howard came back from break and said that he felt like he was in the band KISS and they just broke up. He explained how Ace's manager didn't want them talking about anything negative with Ace and the band KISS so he called it off. Howard said Ace seems like a real nice guy. Robin said that Sal was trying to ask Ace questions about the band but Ace interrupted him and asked him to take a picture of him and Howard. Sal asked Ace to pose in a picture with him and things got kind of crazy in there. Howard said that Sal was acting all nervous and asked Ace to take a picture with him. Howard told Sal that he shouldn't be asking guests for pictures like that because he works there. Sal said that he thinks that he was saying things that Ace is afraid to say so he figured Ace would want to take a picture. Robin and Howard told Sal that Ace was trying to avoid him but he didn't even realize it. Howard told Sal that he's mentally ill and shouldn't have been acting the way he was. Howard said Sal and Ace posed for a picture that Jason took. Then Sal wanted them to take a picture using Ace's camera. Howard thinks that Sal is really odd because he thinks that Ace is going to remember his name and show off the picture to his friends. Sal promised Howard that this would never happen again.

  Howard heard that he gave Ace a CD of his prank calls he did back in high school. Sal said he did that because he knows Ace likes to hear prank calls while he's on the road. Howard warned Sal to never hand anything to guests again and told Sal he was coming off as being retarded. He also told him that if he wants to go back to being a superfan stalker, he can do that but not while he's working there. Gary came in and brought up some of the weird stuff Sal has done there. He spit on a porn star, he goofed on Jon Stewart when he was up there one time and that's stuff he really shouldn't do to guests. Sal said that was his first week there and he hasn't done anything weird since then. Gary said there have been other things he's done like getting really large pictures of porn star private parts so he can get them autographed. Sal said he thought that was funny but it's Sal interacting with guests. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he has asked Sal not to interact with guests many times. Sal said that he has asked him not to do that and he doesn't interact with them.

  Sal went off on Gary who was apparently making faces behind his back. He said that it's fine with him if he busts his balls on the air but it's not cool to make faces behind him. Howard said that Sal goofs on Gary all the time and he's never seen Gary make faces behind him. Howard asked Doug Goodstein if he's ever seen it. Doug said that Sal is being very hypocritical right now because he makes more faces behind Gary than Gary does to Sal. Howard said that he's never seen Gary do anything like that behind Sal's face so he doesn't know what he's talking about. Sal was getting upset over all of this and was freaking out about everything. Richard Christy came in and said it seems like Sal thinks that he's got it in for him. He's apparently getting really paranoid about the way he's been treated on the show and thinks that they avoid talking about what he does there at the show (he's a writer). Gary said that Richard remains calm at all times and Sal will get really wound up about stuff that he really shouldn't be upset about.

  Gary said that Sal will tell everyone else out in the office that certain ideas for bits were his idea even though he won't tell Howard about them. Jason came in and told Howard that Sal and Richard do argue about who came up with the ideas first. Gary said he doesn't know what's in Sal's head because he likes Sal and he doesn't do anything like roll his eyes behind his back. That's all just his paranoia.

  Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some people goof on Sal. One guy asked Howard to come down to Philly and take a picture with him. One caller said that Sal is acting like Stuttering John did when he was there and he should be calling Sal ''Stuttering Sal.'' Gary said that Sal can't just move on from this stuff and he doesn't hear what they're telling him. Howard asked Sal if he understood why they were telling him not to bother a guest like he did. Sal pretended to understand but then he said that he didn't get it. Sal said he thought that Ace was a big fan of Howard's and maybe he thought that it was cool to be there and that he'd want a picture of him. Howard said that Ace didn't ask him to take a picture so he should have just dropped it. Howard made Sal repeat after him and say ''I will think.'' Robin added ''... not like Sal.'' Robin was also saying that Sal seems to think that someone might think that he's not as funny as Richard. Sal said that they're painting a picture that makes it look like he's paranoid but he's not. Sal said that Richard has a ''serial killer comedic'' mind. He seems to think that he's trying to bury other people even though he's walking around with a smile. Howard had to cut everyone off and take a break.

• Nikki Ziering Gets Topless. 03/29/05. 8:55am
  Howard had a new KISS song parody about Sal the Stockbroker right after the break. Howard didn't let it play too long though. Nikki Ziering came in after that. Howard said he hoped that she was almost nude when she came in. She looked pretty hot according to Howard. She was thinner than ever and Robin wondered how she stays so thin without ended up like Terri Schiavo. Nikki said that she doesn't throw up her food, she'd rather not eat than do that. Howard asked Nikki if she's got a boyfriend right now. She said she has a guy who isn't in the business or anything so they wouldn't know the guy. She was avoiding the question and said that's not what she was there to talk about.

  Howard said they had a kid there who was going to compete against Nikki to win some money to help pay the bills for his kid who has cancer. The guy, Scott, came in so Howard quickly got to the game and told him he'd win $500 courtesy of the movie ''Sin City.'' Howard said that if Nikki didn't get the answer right, they'd be able to hit the guy with a tazer gun. Nikki didn't want them to do that but they strapped him into the tickle chair anyway. Howard asked Nikki ''What is 40 percent of 20?'' She thought about it for a few seconds and asked if they were really going to tazer that guy. Howard said they really would tazer him if she didn't answer correctly. She came up with the right answer of 8 right before Howard was going to tell her that time was up. Howard said they'd give Scott $500 each time Nikki got a question right. He asked her the second question which was ''Copenhagen is the capital of what country?'' Nikki thought she knew but wasn't able to come up with the answer.

  Howard told the guys that it was time to tazer Scott. He first gave Nikki the right answer of Denmark for that question. He then told Nikki that she could save the guy if she took off her shirt. Nikki thought about it but couldn't do it so she left Scott hanging. She said she wasn't wearing a bra so she couldn't take off her shirt. Howard told Nikki that the guy's son Jay is only 7 years old and is dying of cancer. Doug tazered the guy and it sounded like he was in severe pain. Howard told Scott that they were going to hold it twice as long if she got another one wrong. Howard went on to ask Nikki another question and told Doug to up the voltage on the tazer and to hold it on him twice as long if she got the wrong answer. Nikki was able to answer ''In the book Moby Dick, what is Moby Dick?'' Howard asked her ''Name the First Lady.'' Nikki said ''Barbara Bush'' which was way off. Howard told Scott that he was about to get twice the voltage for twice as long as the last tazer. Nikki asked if there was anything she could do to stop that. Howard told her to take off her top but she wanted to do something else. She was willing to take the tazer for half the time but not to take her top off. Howard told her she could just take it off for 10 seconds but she didn't even want to do that. Scott said that maybe she could cover her boobs with her hands. Howard okayed that and said it was up to her. Nikki said she would do that if she could take the top off and come back out with her hands over her breasts. Gary led her into the bathroom and had her take the top off. Howard and Gary said that she had to come out and sit there for 30 seconds and the clock should start when her butt hits the couch.

  Nikki has never been topless on the show before so this is a first. She came out of the bathroom a short time later with her top off and sat down on the couch. Gary thanked her for coming in today. Howard told her she looks really good and Artie asked her to give herself a round of applause. Howard then broke the news to Nikki that he was going to tazer Scott anyway. Doug hit him with the tazer for a few seconds and the guy screamed out in pain. Howard told her that it was because he didn't get to see her whole breast. Howard also told her that Scott is an actor and there is no real tazer. Nikki ran back into the bathroom to put her top back on. They tricked her into taking her top off and it worked. Howard told Nikki that Artie has cancer as well. They gave Scott the $1000 even though he was just there acting. Scott thanked Nikki for being there and invited her down to see him at a poetry thing he's going to be at tonight. Robin said that she had an idea that this was a set up but she really wasn't sure. Howard said he should have gotten her pants off while he had the chance.

  Howard told Nikki how hot she looked and that she has a heart of gold. Howard asked Nikki about this movie ''National Lampoon's Gold Diggers'' she's in. She was having some trouble with the name of one of the stars in the movie. Howard moved on and asked her if she ever sees her ex-husband Ian Ziering. She said she never sees him and she's moved on. Howard wondered if she remembered all of the Jewish holidays since she converted over when she married Ian. Howard had to help her out since she couldn't remember it. He also asked her why she and Ian got divorced. She said she really didn't remember what the exact reasons were.

  Howard and Gary both said that Nikki looked better than ever today and wondered if she's had any work done. She said she hasn't had any plastic surgery on her face but she does get botox injections in her forehead. She said she does stuff to prevent the aging. She has had a couple sets of breast implants though. She had silicone implants but switched over to saline. Howard told her she made the right decision. Nikki said that she works out just about every day and that's very important. Gary asked her if she's up for anything when it comes to sex. She said it all depends on the guy but it sounds like she's pretty open. Howard started to wrap up after that and gave her another plug for the movie. She'll also be appearing at J&R Records in Manhattan at 1pm. She said she won't be topless down there though. Howard said they have a picture of her on HowardStern.com topless though. Howard says he'll get her pants off next time she's on. He said they'll just have to kill some animals one by one until she takes her pants off. Howard went to break a short time later.

• Comedian Doug Stanhope Bashes Joe Francis. 03/29/05. 9:40am
  During the break comedian Doug Stanhope came in to hang out. Howard said that Doug looks nothing like Nikki Ziering. Howard was taking pictures with Nikki during the break. Doug told Howard he thought that they were really torturing a guy during that segment. Howard wasn't sure if he should have told the audience or not. Doug said it was better that they kept it quiet. Howard said that Nikki's gay friends threw him under the bus during the break and called him ugly. Howard said that at least he can get it up for her.

  Howard said some record company guy gave them Bruce Springsteen's new single like they were going to have the exclusive. Robin said that she heard it on AOL last night so it's no exclusive. Howard said that he ran into Bruce at a party one time and Bruce wished him luck at the new place (Sirius) when he moves. Doug said he hasn't listened to music in about 10 years because he usually listens to talk radio. Howard said he doesn't listen to a lot of music either.

  Bong Hit Eric called in and congratulated Howard on getting her top off. He also did his thing and took a hit off his bong. Howard likes that the guy is taking hits off his bong at quarter to 10 in the morning. Howard took another call from a guy who said that Robin was bossing her boyfriend Mr. X around at jury duty yesterday. The guy said that Robin just sat like a little princess while Mr. X did everything for her.

  Howard asked Doug about the Girls Gone Wild tapes and how he's doing with them. Doug said he did just one tape and hasn't made any money on the things since they came out. He said he got paid up front but hasn't made anything since then. He said they're not returning his manager's calls about getting an accounting audit done. Doug said that the guy who does those tapes, Joe Francis, is the seediest guy he's ever met. Doug said he's met a lot of seedy guys in his life and Joe is at the top of the list. Doug said Joe is the only guy he knows who is in his 30s and will tell guys to smell his fingers and mean it. Doug also said that Joe likes to make girls cry and brags about it when he makes it happen. He said that Joe will mention stuff during conversations just to brag about the stuff he owns. Doug thinks that Joe will be broke by the age of 40. He said that Joe hates it the most when people just don't care about that stuff.

  Howard said that Doug is going to be on Sirius tonight on Raw Dog doing a pilot for a radio show. Howard said that's cool and once he's over there he'll probably go visit the other shows. He said it would be cool to just drop in on Joe's show and on the gay channel. You can find out more about Doug's show at his web site DougStanhope.com.

  Howard and Doug talked a bit about the Terri Schiavo case and how the story shouldn't even make news. Doug said it's like filler for the news programs out there while they wait for the Pope to die. Howard ended up bringing up the bit that he played earlier in the show where they had to guess whether they were listening to Terri Schiavo, a whale or a porn movie. Howard was going to play it but he brought up the Bruce Springsteen song and figured he'd play it since it was supposed to be an exclusive. He started to play it and said he'd kind of getting into this acoustic stuff now. Howard said he doesn't sound like a guy from New Jersey now. Doug said he sounds like a parody of himself these days. Bruce's song was about the soldiers over in Iraq so Doug mentioned that his father-in-law is a helicopter pilot over there and that's not the kind of stuff he's talking about in the letters they get. He said the guy complains about how much it sucks and how he can't drink. Howard grabbed a guitar and ended up doing a parody of Bruce's new song. He didn't sound all that much different than Bruce. Howard sang a little bit about Doug's issues with Joe Francis and the whole Girls Gone Wild thing. He sang about some other stuff in the news as well. He'd play a little more of Bruce's stuff after singing his own version of the song.

  Howard played the clips that they played of Terri Schiavo, the whale and the porn movie and had Doug try to guess which one he was hearing. Doug got a couple of them. Howard got Joey Boots back on the phone since he was the one who sent in the bit. Boots said that someone up there changed everything around because the clips weren't the way he sent them. Howard told Joey that he's in a pretty dark place and that bit showed that. Howard let him go a short time later.

  Doug said that he was out in Seattle recently and the station Howard is on has a guy there who cuts out all references to the satellite stuff and when they do have to refer to it for some reason, they call it ''Extra-terrestrial radio'' instead of the real name. Howard took a call from a guy who brought up how Doug goofed on a burn victim at a comedy show out at The Improv in L.A. one time. Doug said he thought it was funny at the time but the guy ended up walking out crying that night. Doug said he wrote an apology and put it in the liner notes of his first CD because he felt so bad. Howard thought that was pretty brutal. He had Robin start her news after that.

• The Very Rare Fred Norris News. 03/29/05. 10:10am
  During the news a caller told Howard that he saw Fred out at a restaurant and tried to get some spaghetti for his daughter and when the waiter went back to the kitchen to get it, the chef told the waiter that Fred should go F-himself. The caller claims that he worked there and that's what happened. Fred didn't know that but said that he probably won't go back there. Fred wasn't sure if the story was true so he didn't want to say the name of the restaurant.

  A caller told Howard how bad the half time show was that Doug was involved with. Even Doug admitted that it was horrible. Doug said his only job was to be vaguely funny on the show so it didn't seem like porn. He didn't spend a lot of time writing material for the show or anything like that.

  A caller asked Howard to play a game with him. It was called ''Has Robin Ever... '' and he asked if Robin has ever ''Done a striptease for a man in public or private.'' Robin thought about it and said that she's pretty sure she hasn't done it. The caller then asked if Robin ever did a friend's boyfriend. Robin said she has wanted to but she's refrained. The caller asked if she's ever gone out on a date without panties just to tease the guy. She said she has done that. Howard bailed out on the game after that question. Howard took a call from the cousin of the guy Doug made fun of at the comedy club years ago. He threatened to come down there and beat Doug up in about 25 minutes. Howard tried to calm the guy down and told him that they'd tazer Doug. They played the sound effect they were using during the Nikki Ziering segment and pretended to zap Doug. That seemed to calm the caller down. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 10:45am.

• Howard's Tooth Pain Continues. 03/30/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Eric the Actor leaves a voice mail message complaining about his voice mail messages being used on the show as comedy bits, Sheryl Crow performing ''Every Day is a Winding Road'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show moaning like Taylor Rain and talking about how he has to go to the dentist again because his teeth are killing him. He told Robin about how he's got fake teeth on the bottom front and how they seem to be pushing on his other teeth and that's what's killing him. Artie said there's nothing worse than constant tooth pain. Howard couldn't sleep last night so he went and had some shredded wheat and then had to pleasure himself so he could get some sleep. Beth was asleep so he just went into the bathroom and spanked one out within seconds... in the dark. He said if Beth had walked in on him and found him doing that she would have thought he was the biggest perv. She finds things like Richard Christy being tied to the tickle post to be disgusting so finding him beating off wouldn't be good. Howard is surprised that he can still finish himself off within 3 seconds these days. Artie said there isn't a guy in the world who hasn't done that to get to sleep. Howard talked about the catalog he keeps in his head that he can go back to for whacking material. When he was married he didn't have much of a library but since he got the divorce he's got quite a group of women up there.

  Howard told the guys that he remembered back to one night when he got oral from a woman and he remembers her body and thought about that last night. He said it was the ''highlight reel'' of that night that he thought back to. Robin said she must have been good at it if he was thinking back. Howard said she was a pro and she must have been around the block to have been that good. Two seconds later he was done. He was up around 2 in the morning when all of that happened. He said after he ate and read Variety magazine, it was about 3 in the morning. He talked about an article that was in Variety about Ron Howard and Brian Grazer who have started working on an animated ''Curious George'' movie. He was surprised that they announced that they've just started on the animation for the movie. He also read about a guy who is leaving Paramount pictures and how he'll be replaced by a woman who seems to like him so maybe he'll be able to get some movie deals. The guy that left Paramount used to work with him at FX when he had ''Son of the Beach'' going.

  Howard brought up an article about Robert Blake's interview with Barbara Walters. He read an article about how ''sickeningly attentive'' Barbara Walters was when she interviewed Blake recently. He went on to talk about how Lisa Marie Presley was going to be coming in. He said that he wished he looked better for her today but that wasn't possible because he never looks good. He read that Lisa Marie told and interviewer that Michael Jackson is a very persuasive guy and that's why she ended up marrying him years ago. Howard met Jackson one time so he talked about the way Michael's face looked like it was melting when he saw him up close.

  Bobo called in and told Howard that he went out and picked up New York Dog magazine to see Beth with their dog Bianca. He said the picture of Beth is really hot. Howard said that he's proud of that magazine because he loves that dog and he loves Beth. Bobo said that Beth talks about some things that have happened with the dog over the past couple of years. The dog fell into their pool one time and Beth had to dive in and save her. Howard was apparently taking his time and didn't bother to jump in to get her. Beth was the one who just jumped in and saved her without thinking about it. Howard had bent down to untie his shoes. He ended up helping lift the dog out of the pool after Beth went down to the bottom of the pool to retrieve the dog. He thinks that he had plenty of time and could have saved the dog if Beth wasn't there.

  A listener called in and told Howard he might need a mouth guard that he can wear when he sleeps. Howard said his doctor is going to make one for him because his teeth do grind at night. His dentist told him that he's got the worst overbite he's ever seen.

• Angry Fan Upset About Howard's Upcoming Move To Satellite. 03/30/05. 6:20am
  Another caller, Double B, asked Howard if he could get a special phone number to call in on if he kissed Beth's ass enough. Howard said he's not looking for that. The caller also asked Howard about going to satellite and how his fans are supposed to hear him in office buildings. The caller doesn't know where he would put his antenna. Howard wanted to answer his question but he was talking over him. Howard eventually got through to the guy and said that the show is going to be pretty much the same as it was in the past. He hasn't been able to do stuff he did just a few years ago so when he makes the move to satellite, he'll be able to get back to doing that stuff. He thinks it'll be great when he can play audio clips of things like the Pat O'Brien voice mail messages without them being censored. He also said that guests will be able to talk the way they want to talk. These days they can't even talk about a certain sex act that they used to joke about on the air (anal). Howard claims that his show would be available on the internet once he gets to the new place. (Currently, none of Sirius' talk stations are available for streaming on the web).

  Gary came in and told Howard that they will never be able to play any of their ''It's Just Wrong'' bits on the air again because of the new rules there. There are all kinds of bits that they won't be able to play ever again because of the FCC issues. That stuff can't be played on ''Best Of'' ever again. Howard said this move will allow him to work for another 5 years and not worry about being stifled.

  A phone caller told Howard he was disgusted that he waited for Beth to jump in the pool to save his dog like he was talking about earlier. Howard said he really tried to think it through before trying to jump in and save the dog. In that split second that he wasted time doing that, Beth jumped in the pool to rescue the dog. Howard did jump in to help get the dog out of the pool after he took his shoes off. Robin told a story about Howard after that. She said that they were at a WNBC picnic one time and when a fan ran up to him he ended up hopping in his car and locking the doors to get away from the guy. He's afraid of everything. Howard said it was a security measure but Robin told him that he'd left his daughter outside the car at the time. Howard's wife at the time apparently told him that he was attracting too much attention and that's what she told him to do. Howard went to break a short time after that.

• Various News, Bits And Clips. 03/30/05. 6:45am
  Howard came back from break and talked about the death of Johnny Cochran who died of an inoperable brain tumor. Howard also read that they're talking about hooking up the Pope to a feeding tube to keep him alive. Howard has been playing audio clips of the Pope trying to speak on Easter Sunday and he could barely speak. He tried to find the clip again so he could play it. All he could find was a remix of that clip with a porn movie clip.

  Howard heard that Jerry Falwell is also dying. Robin said that he's in bad shape right now because he's got pneumonia. Howard and Robin wondered if he's got a feeding tube they can pull from that guy. That led to them talking about the Terri Schiavo case and how she's still hanging in there. Howard said Terri is used to not eating so that's probably why she's been able to hang in there so long. There were stories about how Terri's husband had her cats put to sleep shortly after she went into her coma so he could move in with his new girlfriend. Howard said he doesn't believe that and wants to hear it from the guy himself.

  A listener called in and said that he has a bulldog that is able to swim. Earlier in the show Howard said that bulldogs can't swim but this guy says that's not true. Howard wants to see this guy's dog to see if it's a full bred bulldog or not. The caller claims that his dog tried to save him in the water one time.

  Howard read that Sony Pictures had to spend about $100,000 on editing out a red Kubala bracelet from Ashton Kutcher's wrist in his latest movie ''Guess Who.'' Howard read that the test audiences were annoyed by the bracelet so they had to remove it.

  Howard replayed his Fartman prank call that he played on Monday. He made a call to a woman whose name was similar to Fartman and told her that she was his mother. Robin thought the call was pretty funny. The woman was pretty entertaining so the guys said they may have to call her back.

  Howard mentioned that they had a new Stump the Perv game coming up and the prize was a date with porn star Krystal Steal. He said he checked her out on her web site and she looks like a 10 on there.

  Howard played some audio clips that they pulled from the other day when Richard Christy was getting dominated. Richard made some odd noises while being spanked so they isolated them and put together a clip reel. They also put the songs to music and created a song parody with them.

• Timmy The CP Caller. 03/30/05. 7:05am
  Howard took a couple of phone calls and ran across a guy who has cerebral palsey. That led to Howard talking about the days he used to help people like that when he was volunteering. He said he walked in a room one day and the guy was just groaning and moaning and ended up rocking back and forth and then ended up on the floor. Howard said he ran out of the place because he was so freaked out. The woman at the facility brought him back in and showed Howard how to make the guy happy. The guy just wanted to hear some records but when Howard had trouble making the guy happy, he ended up running out again and never went back. Howard said he actually wrote an episode of his upcoming cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' based on that story. He asked the CP caller if he wanted to play the part. Timmy, the caller, told Howard about how he's in a relationship with a woman who also has CP. Howard told the guy that he could probably pick up women by telling them that he just has a Romanian accent. He rehearsed that idea with the guy and told him to pretend to be a Prince from Romania. Howard pretended to be a woman and had Timmy pretend to be trying to pick him up by saying he was from Romania. Timmy played along pretty well and had some fun with Howard for a few minutes. Howard ended up giving the guy a $500 prize before getting him off the line.

  Timmy said that he's a big fan of Elvis' so he wanted to talk to Lisa Marie Presley when she came in. Howard told him to drive down there, from Buffalo, in about an hour and he'd let him come in the studio. The guy was also asking Howard if he was an Elvis fan. Howard said he was a fan toward the end of his career because he'd go up on stage and forget the lines and stuff. He wasn't much of a fan of his work otherwise. Howard put the guy on hold and played a clip of Elvis performing one time and laughing through the song. He went to break shortly after that.

• Evil Dave Letterman Visits. 03/30/05. 7:30am
  After the commercials Fred was playing some rap music but Howard said that he's really sick of that stuff and he doesn't really like any rap music. He used to like some of Eminem's stuff but not anymore. Evil Dave Letterman (not the real guy) was sitting in the studio as well so he started to tell some of his pre-written jokes. Evil Dave talked about the kidnapping plot for his son and cracked some jokes about how an abortion would have been cheaper than ransom for the kid. Dave said that the whole kidnapping thing had him down a bit but then asked Howard if he had any ''hot whores'' coming in today. Howard told Dave about the Stump the Perv game they had coming up with Richard Christy.

  Evil Dave was talking about what he'd like to do to the guy who wanted to kidnap his kid. He was saying that he'd like to have someone rip down his pants and rape him... and he'd like to be the one to do it. Evil Dave said he'd like to torture the guy a bit by making him sit through an hour long interview with Ace Frehley.

  That led to Howard reading some e-mail and playing a clip from Eric the Actor who will be on ''American Dreams'' tonight on NBC. Eric left a voice mail which was basically a commercial for the show. Some people wrote in about the Nikki Ziering interview yesterday. Howard explained how they fake stun gunned a guy to get her to take her shirt off. There was some mail about Sal the Stockbroker's odd behavior on the show yesterday. Howard played Richard Christy's song parody about Sal and read a few of the e-mails he got about him. A lot of people thought he was an embarrassment acting the way he did. There were some people who didn't like Ace Frehley's appearance on the show yesterday either. A lot of people didn't care that Ace was in a movie and couldn't believe that his manager wanted them to end the interview because they were talking too much about KISS. Howard said he got an angry e-mail from a Crowded House fan because Howard made a comment about the drummer of the band who died recently.

  Howard got back to Evil Dave and let him tell a few more jokes. As usual, Dave misread some of his lines and screwed up the jokes he was trying to tell. He said the word ''emancipated'' instead of ''emaciated'' in one of his jokes. Artie seemed to think that was pretty funny since the guy screws up his lines every time he's on the show. Howard played some of the Pat O'Brien clips he was playing yesterday. He said that there was an article in the paper today where the reporter said that Pat really does have to leave that show he's on because of what he's done.

  Evil Dave asked Howard ''Who do you think moves more during sex, Terri Schiavo or a Jewish Chick.'' Howard got a laugh out of that and said that Dave was going to stick around during the upcoming Stump the Perv game. The guy who was coming in to compete against Richard Christy is a guy who is 60 years old and has a huge porn collection in his basement... and his mother lives with him. Howard went to break a short time later.

• Stump The Perv With Richard And Ralph. 03/30/05. 8:00am
  After the break Howard moved right on to Stump the Perv. Porn star Krystal Steal was there because she was the prize if this guy could beat Richard at the game. Howard said that Krystal could be in Playboy because she's so hot. She's only 22 years old and she's got about 80 films out already. She said she started when she was about 19 years old. Krystal said she started stripping at 18 and got into porn after that. She also claims that she was an ''ugly duckling'' when she was in high school.

  Richard Christy, the resident perv, said that he discovered Krystal about 3 years ago and has probably pleasured himself to her about 70-80 times so far. Krystal offered to show Howard her breast implants so he took her up on the offer and checked them out. The guys seemed to think they looked pretty good. She also showed them her thong after that. Howard said her ass is perfect and she doesn't have any cellulite on it. Krystal says that she has a boyfriend and he's just a normal guy who's in construction. She said she doesn't bring girls home for him or anything. She's a normal girl off camera but when she gets on camera she says she's wild. She got started doing lesbian stuff when she was 14 years old and got made fun of quite a bit over that. She now thinks that she's getting the last laugh though. Howard said he doesn't know about that... Gary said that Krystal told Will in her pre-interview that she lost her virginity at 12 and she was the last of her friends to lose her virginity. She said that she grew up in Orange County, California and the guy who she lost it to was about 16 or 17.

  Howard told Krystal that she's the prize in this Stump the Perv game. A 60 year old guy was coming in to compete in a porn trivia contest against Richard Christy and if the guy beats Richard, he will win a date with Krystal. The 60 year old guy, Ralph, came in and told Howard about his porn collection. Ralph has been cataloging his porn since the 70's. He said he's not sure if he can beat Richard but he's going to try. He didn't have a lot of information about Krystal Steal because she's pretty new in the business. Howard said that Ralph had all of this stuff in his basement but Ralph told him that the Museum of Sex actually bought it so they exhibit the stuff at their gallery on 5th and 27th in New York City.

  Ralph was married for 6 years at one point in his life. The guys asked him about how he does his cataloging and about how he goes to whores to get sex. Ralph said he can find women in a paper like the Village Voice or something like that. He gave some suggestions about which types of ads to call when you're looking for whores. He talked about some of the chicks that he's been with and how he goes about every 2-3 weeks or so. He avoids the street scene because so many of the ''women'' out there are actually guys. Ralph told Howard how he goes about cataloging the porn stuff so Richard asked him who his favorite was. Ralph said that Ryan Connor is one of his favorites. Howard had Krystal show Ralph her ass. He then let him know that he was going to have the chance to win a date with her. Ralph didn't sound all that excited about it though.

  Howard moved on to the game. He put Ralph in Robin's booth, or the ''Isolation Booth'' so Richard could go first. Robin said she's going to have to spray the place down after he comes out. Richard was read to go so Howard asked him seven questions about porn. Krystal flashed Richard to give him some motivation. Howard said she had a nice, flat stomach.

  1. What star of Nymphomercials and Chasing Pink watched her husband commit suicide in 1995? - Jill Kelly
  2. What star of ''The Ozporns'' and ''Heaven Sent'' was raised as a mormon? - Tawney Roberts
  3. This star of ''Tushie Heaven'' and ''Gapes of Wrath'' was rumored to have dated Bruce Wilis after his divorce from Demi Moore - Alicia Klass
  4. Which porn star appeared on the album cover of Blink 182's ''Enema of the State?'' - Janine Lindemulder
  5. This back door specialist made her debut in ''Filthy First Timers #20'' - Aurora Snow
  6. Brianna Banks, the star of ''Filthy Whore,'' ''Ben Over'' and ''Say Ah 2'' is from what country - Germany
  7. What star of ''Oriental Lust'' and ''Sleeping Booty'' began her porn career under the name Blake Young? - Kobé Tai
  Richard got 6 of the 7 correct even though there was some confusion about the timing of the game. Howard thought they had one minute to play but they had actually added 30 seconds and it was supposed to be 90 seconds. Richard actually took 70 seconds to answer the questions. Ralph came in and only got 1 answer correct. He said it was a little tougher than he thought it was going to be and apologized for that. Howard told him he didn't have to apologize for not winning.

  Howard gave Ralph a $500 prize for his win and told Richard Christy that he won a date with Krystal. She said that she will give Richard a good date. She said she'd like to go on a date with Howard sometime but he's not sure he'd be able to keep up with her. Doug Goodstein said that they're probably going to take them to Central Park and on a boat ride or something on the date. Richard and Krystal said they'd rather go to Scores or something like that. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that. Howard gave Krystal a plug for her web site KrystalSteal.com and went to break a short time later.

• Lisa Marie Presley Promotes Her New Album. 03/30/05. 8:45am
  Lisa Marie Presley came in after the commercial break. She was in to promote her new album ''Now What.'' Howard said she looked good this morning. He talked to her about the last time she was on the show and how she was shown in the tabloids after that looking like she was overweight. Lisa Marie said that she may have been 10 or 15 pounds overweight at one point but those pictures ended up showing up everywhere. She said she thinks that they were on a campaign to make her look like she was heading in the same direction her father did toward the end of his career. Howard replayed the audio clip of Elvis performing on stage and cracking up laughing as he was singing a song. Lisa said she plays that clip for her friends and didn't know that anyone else played it. Howard asked Lisa Marie what would have happened if her father was still alive and she brought him home to date her.

  Howard asked Lisa about the selling off of the Elvis Presley estate. She said she didn't actually sell it off, she merged the estate with Elvis Presley Enterprises. Howard read that she made about $53 million off that deal. She talked about the house she's been living in for about 12 years now. She had a couple of friends living there in one of her places but she said she charges them rent. Howard said she doesn't need the money so he wondered why she was charging rent. Lisa said that she has given some people things in the past and they expect it for free so she charges rent now for stuff like that.

  Howard talked to Lisa about the guys she's been with in her life and how he'd like to bring her father back to life so he can talk to her about that stuff. Howard brought up Lisa's daughter who is modeling now and looking great. Howard said he'd do all three generations if he had the chance. He told Lisa that he could do a lot with her empire if he was married to her. He said they would have a bunch of homes, not just one like she has now.

  Howard talked to Lisa Marie about an interview she did with Diane Sawyer because he heard that she was a real snake. Lisa said that Diane was talking about how great her album was off the air but then she brought up her marriage to Michael Jackson when they went on the air. Howard said Katie Couric did something similar to him when he did an interview with her when his movie was coming out. He said that Katie told him that she loved his movie off the air but then she questioned him about being filthy on the air.

  Howard asked Lisa Marie about her daughter who is only 16 years old. Howard said that she's super hot so Lisa better keep her eye on her. Howard said he'd wait until she was 18 before he'd do her of course. He said he doesn't want to go to jail. Gary came in and said he read some notes about Lisa and found out that she likes sex to be kind of like it is in porn, rough. She said that was taken out of context. Gary said that there was also another story about her being kind of upset with this guy who used to date her mother and how he used to come on to her when she was really young and still developing. She was between 12 and 15 and the guy would come into her room and try to make something happen but it never did. She said it was just gross and when she told her mother about it, it was quite a battle to get rid of him.

  Lisa told Howard she was on Sirius radio yesterday for most of the day. She also appeared on David Letterman's show so Evil Dave woke up a bit and joked around with her a little bit. Howard was reminded that Lisa is into Scientology so he talked to her about that a little bit. Artie said that the Scientology building in L.A. is amazing looking. Howard wondered where they get money from. He said he might have to start his own religion some day. He said that people will believe just about anything.

  Ralph called in and said that Lisa is a great guest. He said that the last time Lisa was on the show Howard thought she was coming on to her. Then she was on Letterman's show doing the exact same thing with him that she did with Howard. Howard said that he and Ralph watched the tape and couldn't believe she was doing the exact same thing with Letterman. Ralph said that she told Dave the exact same line she told Howard which was that he looked younger in person. Lisa said that she only said that to Howard and Dave so it wasn't someone telling her what to say.

  Howard took some phone calls for Lisa. One guy asked Lisa if Michael Jackson was as wacky as he seems to the rest of us since she was married to the guy. She said the answer should be pretty obvious and didn't really say much of anything else about the guy. She said that subject comes up whenever she puts out a new record and it makes it tough to promote the album. Howard asked her if the song ''Idiot'' on her album is about Michael Jackson. She said it's not about him but it is about someone she was with. Howard played some of the song and tried to figure out who the song was about but she wouldn't tell him who it was. Lisa said that they won't play that song on radio stations because they tested it and people thought it was ''too mean.'' Howard gave her a plug for the album ''Now What'' which comes out next Tuesday. He played some more of her song and went to commercial break a short time later.

• And Finally... 03/30/05. 9:35am
  After the break Howard mentioned that they had a picture of Krystal Steal on his web site. He said she looks like she'd be a fun date for Richard Christy. He then took a phone call from a guy who claims that he kissed Beth one time years ago when they were out at a club. The guy was creeping Howard out. Howard said he wanted to call Beth to find out if it was true or not. Gary asked him if he really wanted him to call her. Howard told him to call so they could ask her about it. The caller sounded like the NAMBLA guy to Howard so that's why he was so creeped out by him. It turns out the guy was just screwing with him and got out of his accent. Howard said he was getting suspicious because the guy's accent changed between Italian and Spanish. He hung up on the guy and talked to Evil Dave Letterman a little bit more. Dave had a few more jokes that he seemed to have trouble reading.

  Howard said that they have guests Fabio and Joe Walsh coming in soon. Joe hasn't been on the show in quite a few years and Howard is looking forward to seeing him again. He had Robin start her news after that because he had to get out of there to go to see his dentist again.

  Howard said that this guy Billy Mira, who does some voices for them including Ozzy Osbourne and David Lee Roth. He was supposed to call in during the Ace Frehley bit but one of the interns said he didn't know who Billy was and blew him off. Sal the Stockbroker called Billy back and got him all pissed off by telling him that the interns didn't know who he was. They put the intern on the phone and tried to get him even more riled up than he already was. They had the intern telling him to go f**K himself. Billy got really pissed off and ended up going back and forth with the kid for a couple of minutes. Howard said it would have been great if Billy had called in as David Lee Roth and asked Ace Frehley some questions. It could have saved that whole segment.

  Evil Dave told a joke that got the delay hit during the news. He then screwed up another joke by saying the word ''Oracle'' instead of ''Orifice'' while telling a joke about Terri Schiavo. Dave was given a bunch of funny jokes that he told during the news. He did have the delay hit on him a couple of times though. One of the jokes that we didn't hear, led to a discussion about Scott DePace and how he was willing to let a guy do weird things to him for a mere $20,000. Some of the stuff they were talking about was getting cut out by the delay button so we missed out on quite a bit of the conversation. Howard ended the show around 10:25am.

• Mitch Hedberg Dead At 37. 03/31/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard prank called by clips of Artie Lange, James Taylor performing ''Fire & Rain'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about the ''Hey now!'' phrase he's been using for quite a while now. He said it's not sweeping the country like he thought it would. He and Ralph use the phrase from ''The Larry Sanders'' show all the time. Artie said he didn't want to be a follower and use it like they did so he doesn't use it at all.

  Howard said that he got a note from Mitch Hedberg's manager last night and they were told that Mitch had died last night. Artie said there were rumors about his drug use but he didn't know the reason for his death. Gary said the guy who called was actually not Mitch's manager, it was Rick Messina, but he was really sad about the news. Howard and Robin talked about what a good guy that seemed to be. Howard said he didn't seem all that happy of a guy. Artie had a story about Mitch that he didn't want to tell when Mitch was in the studio just a couple of weeks ago. Artie said that he and Mitch had the same agent, Jennifer at William Morris, back in 1998 or so. Artie said the agent was the best chick around but he had to leave the agency for a few reasons. He said that he and Mitch had a development deal at the time over at FOX and it was a $750,000 deal. Artie said he drank it all away... Artie said it was all thanks to that agent. Mitch had a deal for comparable money and the pilot. Artie asked his agent if he could be on Mitch's show instead of getting his own sucky one. The agent told Artie that no one could find Mitch because he got his first payment and disappeared so they weren't going to do the pilot. Howard said those development deals are great and he knows someone who has had about 7 deals which pay really well.

  Artie said he's gotten some good deals out there and once he got that $750,000 deal he ended up calling the network back wondering what was going on because it seemed like they'd forgotten about him. Artie said there are comics who get $500,000 deals based on a 7 minute set that some executive saw. Artie talked about Mitch talking about how he had just gotten a deal where he was going to play a tennis instructor. Howard and Artie talked a little more about Mitch's death. Artie said he hopes that he didn't die in a hotel room or something.

  Comedian Craig Gass called in and said that Mitch was his first roommate. He said Mitch never told him that he had that development deal. He told Howard how Mitch pretended like he didn't know that those reports were out there. Craig was also saying that Mitch was a comic that everyone loved, including other comedians. Gass said that he heard that Mitch was David Letterman's favorite comic as well. Craig said he just talked to Mitch's wife a couple of hours ago. She wasn't able to talk though so no one is sure how he died. Artie said there was a story about Mitch getting his leg amputated but Mitch denied the story. Craig said he would ask Mitch about it but he'd always deny it and say that everything was fine. Artie said the rumors about Mitch's drug use were that he was into heroin but Craig said that Mitch used a little pot and drank some alcohol but that was about it.

  Howard let Craig go and played a clip of Mitch talking about how he had his drug use under control just a couple of weeks ago. He had a bunch of other clips of Mitch from his recent interview and the guy seemed to be just fine. Howard said he didn't know Mitch all that well but he really did seem like a good guy when he was on. He read a note that Doug Stanhope sent to them telling them that Mitch had passed away. Doug asked that they play a clip of his comedy material because he really was a funny guy. Gary told Howard they were working on getting some of his stuff. Howard went to break while they worked on that.

• Kids Of Celebrities Discussion. 03/31/05. 6:30am
  Howard came back from break and said that Tabitha Stevens would be in later to talk about bleaching the inside of her butt. He had a song parody about the bleaching so he played some of that. Howard also had some Pat O'Brien song parodies that used the voice mail messages from the internet in them.

  Howard was on his way in this morning and Ronnie pointed out that Imus' limo had just passed them. He said that Ronnie knows all of the limo drivers around and that's how he knew it was Imus. Ronnie thought that Imus had ruined his life because he moved studios or something. Howard said it's funny that the guy rushes to do his show that no one watches or listens to.

  Howard read an article about rock star's kids and how so many of them are trying to get careers going in show business. He read about Sean Lennon who has hooked up with Steven Stills' son in a band. There were pictures of some of the kids and Howard said a lot of them are trying to look like their famous parents. Artie said he's told this story about how he saw Julian Lennon trying to pick up a woman while he was standing under a picture of his father, John Lennon. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard went through some of the other people in the article he was reading and some of the girls looked pretty hot. Gary said that Jerry Garcia's daughter looks kind of like Jerry did. Howard ended up talking about some of the bands from the 70's and how they would jam on each other's records. He was talking about how he doesn't want to hear about famous people's kids trying to get their own careers going. He hates to hear the kids talking about how ''tough it is'' growing up as a famous kid. Howard said they don't know how good they've got it. He said that the kids don't know what it was like for their parents to come up from nothing to make it as far as they did.

• Howard's Arousal And More. 03/31/05. 6:45am
  Howard was amazed that he was aroused at this time of morning and he wasn't sure why. He said he had sex last night with Beth since he was having trouble getting to sleep. Beth also asked him about the story he told about pleasuring himself one night this week while she was sleeping. Howard told her that he made it up for the air but she knew he was lying. She told him that if he ever wants to have sex he should just wake her up. Howard said that he's really goofy in bed and tells her strange things while he's having sex with her. He tells her that the sex is better than ever and stuff like that. Howard said he knows that he digs Beth because he still likes to talk to her after banging her. Artie talked about the whore he slept with out in Vegas one time and how great it was when she called him at 7 in the morning and told him that she was leaving. He thought she was the greatest chick ever except when she hit him up for the $500.

  Howard missed American Idol last night but he heard who was voted off and ended up talking about the show with Gary and Robin. They were talking about the hot black chick on the show and the delay was hit a couple of times. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said he thinks they voted that one chick off because she would only sing country music. He thinks people got sick of her. Ronnie said he thinks they'll also kick off the other chick who only sings country music. Howard had to take another break a short time later but ended up talking about ''The Bachelor'' and how it was actually pretty funny because the chicks on there are so desperate. Howard said that ''The Bachelor'' and ''The Bachelorette'' are his NCAA. Howard talked about how there were chicks just throwing themselves on ''The Bachelor'' and they only knew him for a couple of minutes. They just heard about the homes he had and they were getting into bikinis and telling him they loved him.

  Howard had to take a break so he replayed the bit that they played toward the end of the show yesterday where comedian Billy Mira got his balls busted by Sal the Stockbroker and an intern there at the station. Billy was supposed to have called in during the Ace Frehley interview but someone ended up hanging up on him. That led to Sal calling Billy back and putting Jim the Intern on the line with him. Jim busted Billy's balls telling him he didn't know who Billy was. Billy eventually hung up on the intern and told him he'd better not run into him on the street. Howard went to commercial break right after that.

• Religious Freaks Giving Diet Advice. 03/31/05. 7:10am
  After the break Howard was playing the Pat O'Brien voice mail clips again. He said they're much funnier when they're played uncensored and they will play them uncensored when they move to the new place next year. He played the song parodies he played earlier in the morning as well. Howard moved on to read some e-mail after that. He said a bunch of people enjoyed the Lisa Marie Presley interview yesterday. Howard told Gary to make sure they get Pat O'Brien on their show before anyone else's once he gets out of rehab. Artie said he thinks that the guy is a fan. Howard said with language like that, the guy has to be a fan.

  Howard played some of the song parodies they had about Tabitha Stevens' bleached rectum. Howard said he heard that Lara Flynn Boyle had her's bleached as well but he didn't have a confirmation on that. He said he may have just made it up himself since he couldn't remember who told him that story.

  Howard talked about Jerry Fallwell and how he's apparently in the hospital not doing so well. He talked about how disturbing those guys are and how all they really care about is money. They mentioned Jimmy Swaggert's name during the discussion as well. Howard wondered who is worse, a Jimmy Swaggert or Barbara Walters kissing up to Robert Blake after he got off on his murder charges. Howard said that Barbara Walters is worse in his opinion. Howard played some audio of Pat Robertson giving diet advice on his show. He was also giving exercise advice and Howard wondered what gives him the authority to give advice on those things. He's pretty sure they must have been told that they could make even more money if they started talking about that stuff on their show.

• Jen Sincero Talks About Her ''Sleeping With Chicks'' Book. 03/31/05. 7:20am
  Howard took a call from this woman Jen Sincero on the phone. She's written a book called ''The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping with Chicks.'' Howard asked Jen for some advice on how to get your girl into sleeping with another chick. Jen said you could just ask her but Howard said that won't work. He said the best thing to do is to trick her and take her to a strip club, get her drunk and hopefully she'll start messing around with the chicks there. Howard thought Jen had a list of things that could get chicks into other chicks. Jen said that you can rent some girl on girl porn and watch it with your girl. Howard said most chicks think that's gross though. Jen said that a lot of women will go wild for other women once they realize that they can get them. Howard wanted to get more detailed with this discussion but he can't because of the rules they have there now. He said he should put it off until they move to the new place.

  Jen told Howard that she started doing chicks when she was drunk and she was 35 at the time. She's now 39 years old and claims that she's still hot. Jen told Howard that she still likes to have a guy finish her off so she does have a guy she's seeing. She shared a story about the first chick she was with. She said that they kind of danced around the subject a bit before they knew that they were going to do stuff. She said they both went out and got drunk that night. They had made out a bit the night before but didn't go all the way. Howard was having some trouble getting a story out of Jen so he said he had never been so bored by a lesbian story. Howard started digging into it a little more and asked Jen what she was wearing. She described their clothes and Howard thought it sounded like they were both bad dressers. He bailed out on the interview a short time later. He gave her a plug for her book and it sounded like she couldn't believe he was throwing her off the air already. He told her that there's a way to tell a story like that and she just wasn't doing it.

  Howard took a call from a woman who said that her husband wants her to sleep with another woman but she'd be afraid that she wouldn't be as hot as the other woman. Howard said that a dude has to make sure he pays attention to his chick and ignore the other chick to make that happen. If you pay attention to the other chick, you're in trouble and your chick will never do it again. Howard kept Jen on the phone and read through some of the notes he had about her book. She had some advice for what to do and what not to do to pick up women. She said that it's for anyone who likes to sleep with chicks so it will help guys out as well. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that.

• Richard Christy's Date With Krystal Steal. 03/31/05. 7:35am
  Howard went on to talk about the date that Richard Christy had with Krystal Steal after the show yesterday. Howard said that Richard is really bad with women. Doug Goodstein came in to talk about the date because he chaperoned it. Doug said that at the end of the date Krystal and Richard were saying goodbye and Krystal wouldn't go anywhere near Richard. Richard won the date after a game of ''Stump the Perv.'' Howard thought that they should have gone to Scores instead of doing the stuff they did. Richard said there was a lot of awkward silence while they were having their picnic. He said she was wearing a tight t-shirt and tight pants and she looked really good for their date. Doug said they went out and found a spot for the picnic. They had some champagne but Richard had trouble opening up the bottle. Richard had never opened a bottle of the stuff before so he didn't know how to open it. Richard wanted to use a wine cork opener on it.

  Howard had some audio clips from the date so he played those. Richard made the mistake of telling Krystal about pleasuring himself on Friday nights. He said he waits until Fridays to do it because he doesn't want to be tired for work during the week. Krystal told Richard to get himself a girlfriend. Richard got a little too comfortable with her and ended up talking to her with his mouth full of food. Krystal told him that it was kind of rude and gave him some advice on how to act with women. She said she was just trying to help him out.

  Dan the Song Parody Man came in and told Howard that Richard really does have some weird behavior. He said he and his 10 year old daughter went out to lunch with Richard one day and Richard pulled a booger out of his nose and wiped it on his pants. Dan claims that his 10 year old daughter said ''He doesn't have the social skills, does he?'' Richard said he didn't remember that happening though. Howard got back to the clips from Richard's date and played one where Richard burped in front of Krystal. Krystal asked him to say ''excuse me'' after he did that. Richard asked Krystal if it was cool that he's pleasured himself to her about 70 or 80 times. She was saying that it's fine with her because if she didn't have fans, she wouldn't be where she's at. Richard bragged about how he's done himself to her movies. He said he won't feel so self conscious about doing it now.

  Richard wrapped up the date, sounding a little drunk, talking about how he feels that Krystal was kind of disgusted by him. He said she wasn't real rude with him but she was looking at him like he was a homeless guy. Howard jokingly said that Richard killed her after the date. Doug said that they had strawberries so Richard offered to feed some to her. She said no to him and didn't want him touching any of her food. Doug said she also turned down a massage from Richard as well. Richard asked her if she wanted to give him a massage and she turned that down as well. Howard took a couple of calls after that. Irish John called in and said that the date sounded pretty bad, maybe as bad as the Central Park rape case. Ralph called in and asked Richard how he could have been in a rock band and not know how to pick up chicks. Ralph thought it was funny how he just kept pluggin' along even after she was giving him clues that she wanted nothing to do with him. Howard had to end the segment after that.

• To Abort Or Not To Abort. 03/31/05. 8:00am
  Howard came back from break and talked about a cab driver who was stabbed by a passenger recently. Robin was talking about the story but she had something in her mouth that she was sucking on. Howard was kind of annoyed by that so he asked her to remove it. She took it out and said that she never says anything to him when he's picking his teeth. Howard said he has a medical condition so he has to do that.

  Howard gave a shout out to Representative Bernie Sanders from Vermont because he's come out with a ''Stamp Out Censorship Act of 2005'' to try and stop all of the governments censoring of everything.

  Howard read a letter he got from a guy who said he has a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant He wants her to get an abortion but the 20 year old guy who got her pregnant doesn't want her to give it up. The guy asked Howard if he would be willing to help convince his daughter to get the abortion. Howard said he'd be willing to do it but it might get really weird. The writer claims that his daughter has had some mental problems in the past and she's not on the medications at this point. He's pretty sure that she wouldn't be able to care for herself, let alone a baby. Robin told Howard to get them on the phone and decide what to do once he's got her on the line.

• Cliff Palatte Asks Howard About His Farewell Tour. 03/31/05. 8:10am
  Howard took a call from Cliff Palatte who mumbled out a question that no one understood. Howard had him repeat it and Robin got some of it. After he repeated it one more time Robin figured he was asking Howard if he as coming to Dallas when he's on his Farewell tour. Howard told Gary to bring in his folder of stuff that they're going to be doing on their tour. Cliff had blood cancer but he says he's doing better now. Howard said it's ironic that Mitch Hedberg died but Cliff Palatte goes on. Howard talked about the tour he's planning to go on when he leaves Infinity. He said he wasn't sure he'd be able to pull it off but they have some good ideas for the tour. He thinks he'll be blown out of that place at any time. He's asked the company if they want to pay for it and he can't get an answer out of them. He's going to end up doing it on his own. When he leaves Infinity, he'll go on the tour and then go to ''Eh, eh, eh'' (Sirius) the next day. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that he has 9 months left on his contract even though Howard was saying that he had 8 months left. They had to figure out the math and figured that Howard's web site was counting down and it would say something like 8 months and 29 days tomorrow. Howard said he doesn't know why the company doesn't want to do the tour. Tom told Howard they want him to go out to Las Vegas but Howard isn't sure he wants to do anything for the company because of the way Joel Hollander is treating him.

  Tom thinks that Howard will be there at the station until his contract runs out at the end of this year. Howard asked him if they have a replacement for him yet. Tom said they are looking for someone to replace him but didn't say who they have in mind. Howard figures that they'll find someone and replace him as soon as they're hired. He figures that the new morning team will be ''safer'' and they'll be able to make money with them so they won't keep him around until the end of his contract. Tom said his plan is to wait until 12/31 before they let Howard go. Howard said he's not even looking to get paid through his whole contract, he just wants out of there. He said he'd be willing to talk and negotiate to get out of the contract.

  The guys continued their argument about how many months Howard has left when a caller told Tom that he's a moron talking about the dates the way he was. Tom suggested that Howard give away some $500 prizes to one of the guys who was calling in. Howard did that and gave a plug for ''Wrestlemania 21'' who supplied the money. Howard went on to talk about how the company treats Tom like crap and he's ashamed of the company for treating him the way they do. He said that Tom should be running two stations at least. He's been loyal to the company and Tom should stand up to Joel and get some balls on him.

  Howard talked about this farewell tour he wants to do while riding on a bus across the country. He wants his fans to follow him around and the fans are already talking about doing that. They'll party with hot chicks and go from town to town promoting the move to the new place. Howard said they may just have 1000-2000 cars following them around by the time they get to Hartford. Gary said that the guys were figuring that the first time Howard has to make a number 2 in the RV or someone's home, the tour will be over. Howard said he'll figure out something. He read a note from a guy up in Albany who is offering 14 acres of property to park and camp at when they make it up there. They also have offers from other places that they'll be able to stay at. Howard is also thinking of flying to the cities instead of driving. He said they could fly into a city and get the people together outside of town and then drive in. He said he's got to think about all of that stuff before it happens. Howard gave Cliff Palatte another $500 prize and Artie told him that he's going to get him into the comedy show down by him for free. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about how Clif's parents never bothered to get him an operation for the cleft Palatte he had when he was born. Howard said they can't pay for the operation because there aren't many people left out there who have cleft Palattes. Artie said that he will bring Cliff up on stage with him at this comedy show he's doing down in Dallas. Cliff said he'll be at both shows. He also claims to have a girlfriend but she just hangs out with him and doesn't sleep with him. Howard was still busting on Clif's parents who could afford a car but not the operation to fix his cleft Palatte. Cliff said he probably wouldn't have the operation done today if he had the money.

  Howard said he was watching ''The Bachelor'' last night and thought that John Stamos should have been the guy on the show instead of doing that show he's doing now. The guys spent a couple more minutes talking about Artie's comedy show and how he always has tons of people back stage with him. Artie lets the wack pack members back stage and comes in the next week and talks about how exhausting it was to have them there. Artie said he can't say no to the guys coming back stage because he feels bad. Artie said that he'll be doing a tribute to Mitch Hedberg this weekend and he'll be dying in his hotel room. He was just joking around but Howard said knowing Artie, he'll probably do it.

• Howard Plays 5 Year Old's Call To 911. 03/31/05. 8:35am
  Howard had tape of a 911 call that a little 5 year old girl made when she found her parents dead in the house. She told the 911 operator that there was a bullet on the floor and there was blood coming from her father's mouth. Howard said that was really sad and wondered how she knew how to dial 911. Gary said that they teach the kids that stuff in school these days. The 911 operator was also treating her very well so Gary pointed that out. The little girl went on to tell the operator that she had a dog and 3 cats in the house. The guys figured they did that just to keep the girl on the line until they could trace the call and someone got there to help her out. Robin didn't know the whole story about what happened to her parents. Sal the Stockbroker came in and asked them to save the call so they could make some prank calls with it. Howard played more of the call and Robin told Howard she had the story and they actually knew who killed the kid's parents. Howard had the article so he read about how the little girl is in the care of other family members. The guy who killed the parents may have been a guy who they had turned in for selling pot. The guy also killed himself after he killed the parents. Howard continued to play the call and the 5 year old kid knew a lot of information for a little kid. She knew what kind of car her mother drove and the color of the house and all kinds of other details. The 5 year old was asked to go to the door and open it but she was naked so the operator told her to get a towel or something. She opened the door for the cop and the 911 operator let her go.

  Howard had a bunch of other tapes to play and he still had to get to Tabitha Stevens who was there to show them her bleached ass. Howard played the Pat O'Brien voice mail messages and the song parodies they created using those clips. Sal the Stockbroker brought in a bit they created using Gary the Retard repeating the exact same lines that Pat O'Brien said. Howard had to take a break before getting to the other stuff he had to get to.

• Tabitha Stevens' Bleached Rectum. 03/31/05. 9:05am
  Howard came back from break and brought in porn star Tabitha Stevens. She was in to talk about getting her rectum bleached. She had new hair color as well so Artie joked about how she got a bunch of new colors on her. Tabitha asked the guys what they thought about her dress. Gary said that he thought it was great but she didn't think he was telling the truth because of the look on his face. Gary said that was the look he was born with and there was nothing he could do about it.

  Howard asked Tabitha about why she's getting back into porn. Tabitha was out for a few years but her fans were asking her to make another one so she has agreed to do one more. She's going to ''do it all'' in this movie so she has had her ass bleached. She told Howard about some of the other plastic surgery she's had done like her 6 boob jobs. She said that she went from silicone to saline and back to silicone. She has had 3 nose jobs and a nose implant. She said her nose ''scoops'' but the doctor suggested this implant. She had cheek implants done as well and she claims the doctor screwed them up. She said they had to go in through her eyes to do that. Howard asked her if she has pictures of herself from before she had any surgery done. She said her mother probably does. Tabitha said that she has a nose implant that keeps her upper lip from raising up so you don't see her gummy smile anymore.

  Tabitha said that she had the fat sucked out of her legs and put back into her face so she wouldn't look so gaunt. The fat was absorbed by her body so that didn't last more than a year. Tabitha says she's spent about $250,000 on plastic surgery. She now wants to make her waist smaller than it is by getting fat sucked out of it but Howard looked at her and said there was no fat on her body. He said she's got a great body. Tabitha said she's also gotten botox injections and lip implants. That all led up to her getting her rectum bleached. She said that she heard that they could lighten up the color of that area so she read about this cream you put on that area to do this. She said you do it at night and sleep with it in there. Tabitha said she did it for a few weeks and stopped but then started up again. She said it took a few days before she noticed the difference. She said that you have to have that area waxed before the cream is used so that's the only thing that really hurt. Howard asked Tabitha if he had heard that Lara Flynn Boyle had the same thing done. She said she heard that too but she wasn't sure if it was true or not.

  Howard asked Tabitha to show them her bleached ass but she wanted Howard to get a rubber glove so she could show him how to apply the bleach. Howard asked Doug Goodstein from E! to do it but Doug said that's the one thing he won't do. Gary said he wouldn't do it either. The guys said that Richard Christy would probably do it though. Tabitha said that's fine with her.

  A phone caller asked if this is the same thing that Michael Jackson did to his face. She said that it is similar to what they do for people to suffer from Vitiligo. Tabitha said that she thinks this stuff has been constipating her. Zolar called in after that and told her that she's got the body of Macauley Culkin and the face of Baba Booey and called her ''Frankenbitch.'' Howard said she's a a beautiful woman and he was going to ruin what they were just about to do. He hung up on him and brought in Richard Christy to do the bleach application. Tabitha got into a better position to show the guys her ass. She showed the guys a picture of another woman who had the procedure done and he saw why a woman might want to do that.

  Howard asked Tabitha about her recent run in with Andy Dick. She said that Andy was trying to get her to sleep with him and another guy but she didn't do anything. She was out with her ''friend'' Judd Nelson that night. She swears that she didn't have sex with Judd but she hinted that something else might have happened with him. She said her hand has never touched him below the waist. She told Howard about Andy Dick making out with a dude that night and then asking her to come home with them. She wanted nothing to do with that and didn't go with them. Tabitha bent over and showed the guys her ass. Howard told her that he's pretty sure it hasn't worked at all and she might want to complain to her doctor. Tabitha had them shine a flashlight on it and that's when he saw the difference. He was seeing a shadow on her ass. Richard Christy started to get creeped out by the whole thing and wasn't sure he wanted to put on the bleach. He went ahead with it anyway though. She said it actually feels quite nice. Richard said he was going to sell that glove on eBay.com.

  Howard asked Tabitha about her relationship with Judd Nelson. She said he's just a friend and they like to hang out and talk about theater and stuff. She's also friends with Mickey Rourke and she hangs out with him as well. Howard let Tabitha get in a plug for her new movie after that. She said that she plays a Shaman in the movie and she's the Shaman of sex. She said that in the movie she has to stay in a cave for 4 days without food and she's really going to do it in real life because she wants to play the part realistically. Gary said that he heard the plot and thought there was way too much detail and guys don't want to see that. Howard wondered why they're going to film something like that and starve herself for 4 days when they're just going to cut it down. She said they won't cut it down, they'll leave that stuff in. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.

• Comedian Shuli Visits / Dan Vs. Ronnie. 03/31/05. 9:40am
  After the break Howard took a call from a woman who asked Howard if the Mitch Hedberg story was an April Fools joke. Howard told her it was real and not a joke. Comedian Shuli was sitting in and said he'd just seen Mitch out in Vegas a month ago and he was great. Howard said that they'd just learned that Mitch didn't tell Craig Gass about his $500,000 development deal with FOX... Howard joked about how that might have made Craig jealous if Mitch had told him about that deal since he was his roommate at the time.

  Shuli told Howard that he has a new show starting out in Las Vegas at the Plaza Hotel and Casino on April 16th. It's called ''Hell Bent For Humor.'' Artie said that Shuli is a great comic and he's worked with him a couple of times. Shuli shared a couple of stories about Artie from the shows they've done and how wasted he gets while drinking.

  Howard took a call from a guy who was talking about following Howard to satellite when he moves but he doesn't even have money for an FM radio, all he has is AM. Howard ended up giving him a $500 prize because it sounded like he was down and out. The caller asked Howard to replay the COPS clips where they tazered a guy and had him screaming. While he was looking for that Shuli said that Ronnie the Limo Driver and Dan the Song Parody Man had gotten into a fight out in the hallway during the break. Gary came in and said he heard that Tabitha had given Dan some pictures to give to Ronnie and when he handed them to Ronnie, Ronnie said something like ''What are you her f'n agent or somethin'?'' and it escalated from there. Ronnie came in a short time later and told Howard that he and Dan have a history of not liking each other. Ronnie said that Dan has an attitude... That coming from a guy with an attitude of his own. Dan has apparently walked past Ronnie like he's not there. He has also asked him not to go bother the guests but Dan will just walk past him and do it anyway. Ronnie said that Dan always has a smirk on his face when he walks past him and he's always got that attitude. Dan said that Tabitha had asked him to give Ronnie the pictures but Ronnie said that she would have handed them to him herself if she wanted him to have them. The two of them went back and forth arguing about whether or not they like each other. Dan said that Ronnie is one of the biggest ball busters there at the station but he can't take it when people bust on him.

  Dan said that when Ace Frehley was there the other day he saw a friend of his there. The guy was hanging in the hallway and Dan said hello to him because he's a friend. Ronnie said that Dan needs to clear it with Gary before he bothers the guests. Jason came in and said that he thought Ronnie was upset with the way Dan was joking around with him the day he was dressed up like a girl. Ronnie said that wasn't a problem and it was just a joke. It didn't bother him that day. Ronnie said that Dan is just an obsessed fan and he should be very honored to have the job there. Gary thought they were going to have a nice pleasant office there but it's obviously not turning out that way. Howard played a song parody about Ronnie that Richard Christy wrote about him. Dan said that if he had written the song, he'd be in big trouble with Ronnie because he can't take a joke. Ronnie said that he can take jokes and he doesn't know what he's talking about.

  Howard played the audio of Ronnie and Dan's fight out in the hall. Ronnie was yelling at Dan and Dan was trying to defend himself. Ronnie told him to stay away from him and that he wasn't bothering him. Howard said that Ronnie really does have a short fuse. Ronnie says he doesn't have a short fuse and he jokes around all morning with the guys there. He asked Doug if that's what happens and Doug hesitated for a few seconds and said yes.

  Howard broke in and said that Terri Schiavo had just died. The guys talked about how her parents are now going to have to battle the husband to get her body. Ralph called in during that discussion and said that Ronnie must really hate Dan to get so pissed at him. Ronnie said that he doesn't ''hate'' him. Dan said that he does have a problem with him for some reason. Sal the Stockbroker called in as Michael Schiavo and said that Terri had died because he was so bored with the Dan and Ronnie argument. Zolar called in and talked about how Ronnie was on his ass one day when he was there to be on the show. Ronnie said that Zolar was drunk that day and that's why he was giving him a hard time. Howard said he was done with all of that at this point. He had to take another break so he gave Shuli a couple more plugs for his upcoming gigs and his web site JewGoneWild.com where you can get his upcoming show info. He also gave a plug for RenegadeComedy.com a little later in the show.

• And Finally... 03/31/05. 10:15am
  After the break Howard had Robin start her news. Brian from E! called in during the news and said he was a fan of Shuli's and wondered when he was going to have him on because he wasn't saying much today. Shuli said that's his buddy doing that to him. Howard had no idea what was going on so he hung up on Brian and had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show at around 10:40am.

• The Best Of Stern. 04/01/05. 6:00am
  What better way to start off April Fools day? How about The Best of Stern instead of a live show? That's what we got today! It was apparently a planned vacation day from what I was told. Here's what we heard:
  • Howard Stern and Janis Ian performing ''At Seventeen (Seinfeld's Girl)'' song parody.
  • Wood Yi ''Funk Soul Brotha'' song parody.
  • Train Performs ''Drops of Jupiter'' live in the studio. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 7/17/01. 9:00am
      The band Train came in to perform their hit song ''Drops of Jupiter'' from their album of the same name. Earlier in the morning Howard said they also do a cover of Led Zepplin's ''Ramble On'' that sounds great.

      The band came in and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the lead singer Pat about his cool look and stuff like that. Howard then had them perform their hit ''Drops of Jupiter'' which sounded great. Then they did their cover of ''Ramble On'' and it was even better. Gary said the lead singer's voice is great. Howard took a bunch of phone calls from listeners and everyone was impressed with their performances. Gary was also impressed and he told them that they sound better than a lot of great bands that come on the show to perform. Howard wrapped things up with the guys and said that they'll be touring with Matchbox Twenty starting on July 31st.

  • Al Pacino's Father Sal Calls In. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 8/15/01. 9:05am
      Sal Pacino, Al Pacino's real father, called in this morning to promote an exercise video he's in called Silver Foxes (SilverFoxes.com). Howard tried to ask the 79 year old guy some questions but it seemed to be tough to get through to him over the phone. Craig Gass was also pretending to be Al Pacino while sitting in. His impression of Al was too quiet for the phone call though because Sal seemed to have trouble hearing him most of the time. Craig tried his best to make some conversation as if he were the real ''Al'' but Sal didn't seem to get it. Then all of a sudden the voice of a woman came on the phone. Sal's current wife Katherine was there with Sal to liven up the call a bit. She helped out with the promotion of the video and even with the conversation. Howard asked Sal if it was great to be the father of such a great actor. Of course he didn't have a bad word to say about his son. Craig Gass kept trying to get something going with his impressions as ''Al's Baby'' and ''Al'' himself but it just kept going over Sal's head. He tried his best though.

      Katherine, who is about 30 years younger than Sal, told Howard that they still have sex quite often. She said she calls Sal ''Long Tongue'' or ''Tongue Fu'' because he's so good in bed. Sal said they have sex ''almost every day... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday...''

      Sal told a couple of stories about his son and said hello to his 4 daughters and a couple of other people before Howard wrapped up the call. Howard found out that Al only comes to see his father about once a year. Howard put the word out to Al that if it weren't for his father's sperm he wouldn't be on this earth so he should start calling his father more often. He demanded that Al call his father at least 2 times a week.

      Howard also mentioned that Richard Simmons, who does this ''Silver Foxes'' work out video was too much of a pussy to come on the show himself to promote it.

  • Howard talks to Gary about his family life. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 8/19/02. 8:30am
      Howard said he had a prize to give away courtesy of ''National Lampoon's Van Wilder'' today. He gave the details of the prize but ended up talking to Gary about whether or not he can have a pool in his yard. Gary says that his yard is one big rock ledge so he can't put an in ground pool in his yard. Stuttering John then came in and talked about how Gary was putting suntan lotion on his kids when he called him on Saturday. Howard asked where his wife was at the time. Gary said she was out getting a manicure and a pedicure. Howard ended up talking to Gary about how bamboozled he is in that marriage of his. He said that Gary should be the one making the decisions about who goes where and who does what. Howard pointed out that Gary is the one bringing in all of the money so she should be the one taking care of the kids. He said that his wife's ''break'' comes when the kids are in school. Howard went on and on about how Gary shouldn't lift a finger around the house. He should be relaxing and getting plenty of sleep over the weekend. Howard told him he thinks he's on the brink of getting divorced. He suggested that Gary just take one of the interns out and bang her. Gary said that they have some really hot interns around but he now realizes that he's within 5-7 years of being old enough to be their father. He also doesn't think any of them would be interested in him because of his age. Howard said it's not that, it's probably the way he looks that would turn them off. They talked about how Gary used to get all kinds of hot chicks before he got married.

      Howard took a call from a guy who was complaining about how his wife has gotten fat since they got married. After talking to him for a couple of minutes Howard gave him the prize he was giving away. The prize included the $500 and a chance to win a trip to the Playboy mansion. Howard told the guy he hopes he wins the trip.

      Howard took another call from a guy who had some stories to tell about his divorce and how it drained him of everything he had. Gary then told a story about how he knew a guy who got divorced and had to go live with 2 other divorced guys in a house with only one bathroom. There was no furniture and the guys had to have their own hot plate in their rooms. The caller told Howard he loves hearing him goof on Gary about this stuff.

      A woman called in and told Howard she thinks that working is much easier than taking care of a kid. She said she loves working and finds it much easier than taking care of her 3 year old. Howard and the guys spent a little time talking to her about that and Howard told Gary again that he shouldn't have to spend all of this time taking care of the kids when he's the one working for a living. Gary ended up telling the guys that even though sometimes it is tough to deal with the kids, he actually enjoys being with them sometimes. Howard said he enjoys being with his kids too but he never had to sit with them all day long while his wife went out and did something. They always had someone to watch them so Howard had free time for himself. Stuttering John said the same thing. He and his wife hired a nanny to watch their two kids when they want to go out together and John never has to do any of the things that Gary does.

      Howard wanted to get off the subject of Gary's life so he was going to take a break. Gary had come in to read some tabloid stories but he didn't get the chance to get to them. He did quickly mention a story he read about this guy Dr. Phil who Howard has made fun of on the show many times. The story said that Dr. Phil allegedly used to fondle his assistant's breasts and touched her inappropriately. The story claims that the assistant said he was actually found guilty of misconduct after she reported him. All of this allegedly happened back in 1984 but Howard said he thinks that guy is disturbed and it doesn't matter how long ago it happened. Howard took a break after that.

  • Howard Talks To Kelly The Drunk. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 9/12/02. 6:05am
      (Snipped) Howard took a phone call from a woman who wasn't quite with it when he picked up the phone. She seemed to be listening to the radio at the same time she was listening to the phone. Howard said she may have been up late drinking last night. She was slurring her speech and couldn't put a thought together. Howard asked her if she was a hooker. He wondered who would be drunk at ten after six in the morning. She said that she's a computer programmer which surprised Howard. He said she's got to be a ''dirty little whore'' who does tons of guys. She told Howard she met him one time but he said he'd never been to the bar she mentioned. After talking to her for a couple of minutes Howard said he wanted her to come down to the studio as soon as possible because they wanted to drink with her. Howard asked her how many guys she's been with in her life but she wouldn't answer. She asked Howard how many he's been with. Howard said he's been with about 35. She wouldn't answer. Howard continued to ask her questions about her age and stuff like that. She eventually said she was born in 1969 but Howard didn't believe it. He figures she's in her 40s. Gary wanted this woman to get down as soon as possible so Howard offered to send a car for her. She said the reason she called in was to complain about the music programming on the station. She said she wasn't going to come down today though. Howard hung up on her a few minutes later.
  • Howard talks to Laura who thinks she's a psychic but can't give him a psychic reading.
  • Porn Star Turned Singer Houston And Courtney Love Come In. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 9/20/02. 8:55am
      Courtney Love was very late this morning and Houston showed up about an hour late also. Gary came in and told Howard that Houston looked like a bobble head because she has gotten so thin lately. He said that she claims to have gotten a staf infection and lost tons of weight. When she came in Howard said she looked like a different person but he liked it. He thought she got a lot of plastic surgery done or something but she denied that.

      Houston is now singing as well as doing porn. She wanted Howard to play her song but Howard was afraid that he wouldn't like it. He said he thinks she's a great person but he doesn't want to dislike her song.

      Benjy wanted to pleasure himself while sitting next to Houston. She said he wasn't allowed to talk to her while he did it but she allowed him to do it. Benjy went over to the couch and said he didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Howard wasn't so sure he wanted him to do it either. When Benjy got ready to do it everyone let out and ''Ohhhh!'' when they saw his small penis. Artie said it was ''absolutely horrifying'' to him. Howard told him to just do his thing and he'd try to ignore him. Benjy wasn't aroused right away but said he'd get into it shortly. Howard told Benjy not to touch Houston but she allowed it to happen once. Howard said Benjy was actually doing it and Houston couldn't take her eyes off of him. Artie said he had an unusual grip on his package. Robin let out a few more ''Ohhh!''s while Benjy continued to spank it. He was staring at her and it seemed to be disturbing some of the people in the studio. He got to rub her arm a little bit more too. Houston said he just wasn't allowed to Bukkake her arm.

      KC came in and said that it looked like Benjy was milking himself. Howard tried to get off of that subject and interviewed Houston. Benjy was too nervous to finish himself off. Howard said Houston brought in her CD but he didn't want to give his opinion about it. He broke down and said he'd play 60 seconds of it and that was it. Benjy continued to try and get himself off but it wasn't happening. Howard got word that General Manager Tom Chiusano didn't want Benjy to finish off in the studio so he put a stop to it. Benjy said it was just starting to happen when they cut him off. Tom told Howard it was a place of business and that kind of behavior wasn't acceptable.

      Howard moved on and took a call from a guy who wanted to play ''It's Just Wrong'' next week. He said his sister was 52 years old though. He claims she's hot but Howard found that hard to believe. Howard put him on hold and said they'd put him on the list. Howard then had to explain the game to Houston.

      Courtney Love called in and said she wants to work with Houston. She was rambling on and on about stuff that wasn't making much sense. Howard tried to get her to just slow down and listen to him. He asked Courtney to listen to Houston's song and critique it. Howard told Courtney he would only have time for a 10 minute interview by the time she got there. She said she wanted to spend some time with Howard today but she has a camera crew with her. Howard said he doesn't want to hang out with a camera crew though. He eventually told Courtney to get down there and they'd play Houston's song so she could critique it.

      Howard took a break and when he came back Courtney was finally there. He tried to talk to her but she was distracted and just talked over other people and asked Houston about her music. Houston describes her music as ''Madonna meets Garbage'' so they spent a short time trying to figure that out. Howard ended up talking to Courtney about smoking crack and about a pill case Courtney was carrying. She was all over the place when Howard would ask her a question though. He had to hit the delay on her a couple of times.

      Howard thought that Courtney had another nose job but she said she didn't. She somehow ended up talking about the work she had done on her teeth. She said they put her out and moved a bunch of her teeth around somehow. She said it cost her like $189,000 to have it done.

      Howard tried to get back to Houston's music but she ended up talking about the botox injections she had and the nose job she had years ago. She told Howard about some of of other work she's had done where they sewed her labia lips together until they were smaller. Howard had to interrupt her and stopped her talking about some of that stuff because he knew it would get censored out of her show.

      Courtney Love came in this morning to promote ''24 hours of Love'' which airs on MTV2 starting tomorrow at 8pm. Courtney will be taking over the station for a full 24 hours. She'll be playing the music she wants to play for that full 24 hours. Howard gave that a plug but Houston and Courtney were just talking over him and ignoring what he was saying. Courtney eventually slowed down and told Howard about what was going on with that special. She said she's doing it to educate kids about music from the 90's.

      Howard got back to Houston's music and played her song ''What do you Want From Me.'' As soon as he started playing it they said Courtney got all business like and closed her eyes to concentrate on it. After hearing a little bit of the song Courtney said that the song was good but they had too many vocals on there. She critiqued a few more things about the song and let Howard play a little more of it. Benjy was ready to pleasure himself again but Howard had to put a stop to it. He then wondered why Tom made him stop that because they have women in all the time who do stuff like that. He got back to the song quickly and played the rest of it.

      Crazy Cabbie called in and said it was some of the worst music he's ever heard. Someone cursed so Howard had to hang up on Cabbie. Howard took some more phone calls and let the listeners critique the song. A few people had questions for Courtney too but by this time the delay button had been hit so many times that it was making the audio sound bizarre.

      Howard asked Houston if she knew anything about Jenna Jameson and Britney Spears hanging out together. She wasn't talking though.

      Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) called in and made it sound like he was critiquing Houston's song. He said some stuff that made it sound like he disliked it and thought she was washed up. Then he says something like ''... But Houston, on the other hand, has some talent.'' He was talking about Courtney of course.

      Howard took a few more phone calls and spoke to Houston and Courtney for a little while longer. Courtney asked him to go out to dinner with him again but he couldn't do it on Sunday like she wanted to.

      One phone caller asked Courtney what drug she was on because she was all over the place. She said she wasn't on anything and she's just like that. Another caller asked Courtney when the new season of ''Friends'' starts. Courtney said she gets that joke from a lot of people.

      Robin asked Courtney if she thinks she's the Yoko of the band Nirvanna. Courtney broke the news to Howard that she and the other members of Nirvanna have worked things out and there will be an album of unreleased Nirvanna material by Christmas. She said it took ''lots and lots of money'' to get everyone to make up but they finally did it. She told Howard she was giving him the scoop before the press release comes out tomorrow.

      Courtney told a story about how her dog ate a breast implant she had taken out and ended up dying of cardiac arrest. Both of these women have really bizarre lives. Houston ended up pulling out her boobs to Show Howard. He said they were huge. Courtney ended up poking them while they were out. She said she was having a ''mommy thing'' going on while she was looking at them there.

      Howard wrapped up the interview after Houston showed him her fake thong. He gave both of them plugs for their stuff and took a break. You can find out more about Houston at HotHouston.com. Courtney will be on MTV2 for 24 hours starting Saturday, September 21st at 8pm.

      As Howard was ending the segment Courtney quickly mentioned something about having given a hand job to Ted Nugent when she was around the age of 14 or so. She said he probably wouldn't remember it though.

  • Author Dr. David Leiberman calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 10/23/97. 7:15am
      Dr. David Leiberman, author of ''Instant Analysis'' called in to talk about his book. The book looks at things like why people stare at themselves in the mirror, why they arrive early to appointments, why they misplace keys and crap like that. The book seemed to focus on a lot of problems that Howard has. He was interested to hear why he did some of these things. At one point in the conversation a guy called in and said that Dr. Leiberman is a fraud. He seemed very upset with the Dr. and told Howard that he stole the ideas for his book from his twin brother. Dr. Leiberman denied all of the guys claims though. The book is available in bookstores everywhere.
  • Howard's Thoughts On Psychologists. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 8/17/01. 6:05am
      (Snipped) Late in the show yesterday Howard commented on how veterinarians are lower on his scale of importance than doctors and dentists. Today a woman called in and asked Howard where chiropractors fall on his list. Howard gave his list once again:
      1. Doctors
      2. Dentists
      3. Veterinarians
      4. Pharmacists
      And way below those people fall the chiropractors, astrologers, psychics and people who scam other people. Howard doesn't think much of them at all and he let everyone know that. Robin just laughed it off but she believes in all of that stuff. Howard goofed on all of those careers and how they're wanna-be doctors. Howard also says that there's a big difference between psychologists and psychiatrists. Psychiatrists had a brain to get into medical school while psychologists didn't. He said they're above chiropractors but not by much.

      Howard and Gary ended up getting into a fight after Gary told Howard he was starting to get his father's tone when he was explaining something to him. Howard then went off on Gary's father and they yelled at each other for talking about each other's fathers.