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Howard started off the morning with some Taylor Rain moaning sound effects. He said he hears that sound and says ''Wow!'' and wishes that he could get a girl to make that sound. He moved on to talk about how it was Baba Booey's birthday today. They had a new song parody to celebrate that thanks to Sal the Stockbroker. Howard said Sal sent him an e-mail the other day and told him they should have done a whole birthday show for Gary but the people he asked to come in didn't want to come in. Howard said that Sal checked with Gary's dentist and he wouldn't even return their calls. Sal said he also called Gary's girlfriend that he made the infamous apology tape for. She didn't return their calls either. Sal tried to find Cindy Margolis' friend Elisa because Gary was so taken with her but that didn't work out. Howard talked about how he ran into her out at Mercer Kitchen about a year ago and told her they were looking for her. She said she'd call the show but never did. Sal said they tried to get her on the show because Gary is so taken with her. Gary said they tried to get in touch with her for a long time but Cindy Margolis would C-block them whenever that would happen.
Richard Christy came in and said that Sal was going nuts trying to put together a show. He wanted everyone to get into ape suites during the show but none of their guests would come in so the whole thing fell apart. Howard played some birthday wishes for Gary from people like Craig Gass doing his Gene Simmons impression and telling Gary about the toothbrush and casket they got him for his birthday. Craig did some other birthday wishes for Gary but Howard couldn't get them to play on his CD player. He had Craig doing his Gilbert Gottfried impression as Gary's toothbrush. That one gave Howard a headache so he had to cut it off. They had a couple of others like the guy who Gary gave hand release to when he was 13 and Baba Louie whose name Gary screwed up many years ago and got himself the name Baba Booey.
Sal had some audio of Gary doing some stand-up comedy. It was actually Sal doing his impression of Gary doing stand up. Gary said Sal actually tried to get him to do the lines that he was reading. He was talking about his bad breath, big lips and his big teeth. The jokes had Robin laughing. Dan the Song Parody Man came in and gave Howard another CD that had the missing birthday wishes on it. Howard played one from Diamond David Lee Roth (Billy Mira) and another from Craig Gass as Al Pacino. Scott the Engineer came in and told Howard that the Billy Mira bits were all out of phase so they weren't going out over the air the right way. He said that the person who recorded it didn't know what they were doing. Sal said he's never had a problem with something being out of phase like that. Sal asked Scott what was taking him so long to get the Sam Kinison bit done for him this morning. Scott said he had other things to do. Dan the Song Parody Man came in and said that Sal asked him to put those clips right on the CD so he doesn't know what's up with the stuff being out of phase. Sal said that Richard was in charge of the board the day they were recording that stuff. Scott the Engineer came in and gave Howard the screwed up bits that he'd corrected for them. Howard replayed the David Lee Roth bit and wondered why their station has so many problems with stuff like that. He replayed Billy's Ozzy bit as well since we couldn't hear that one correctly earlier.
Howard asked Gary how old he was today. He's 44 so Sal said that means he's 8 years more than he has teeth. Richard said that Gary is a very young looking 44. Gary was also talking about the picture they put up on the web site last week with Gary and Lindsay Lohan. He said that it was really bad because you could see his teeth, lips and chin in a way that looked bad. Richard also talked about a picture that Jason put up on Page 69 over at HowardStern.com where he looked like he was dragging his arms like a monkey. Gary said the Page 69 stuff is pretty good because it pissed him off one day when they mentioned the long nose hair he had one day. That led to the guys talking about their nose hair and ear hair. Richard was talking about the ear hairs he's been able to pull out of his nose.
Gary interrupted and said that Sal cornered Dr. Calabro last week and asked him about getting some surgery done on his face. He said the surgery would have come out to about $12,000. Sal said he was thinking of some liposuction on his chin and maybe a chin implant. Sal was also talking about how Dr. Calabro was kind of creepy to him even though he does some great work. Howard told Sal that he's married and there's no reason to get surgery done like that.
Howard wished Gary a happy birthday and asked him when he met him for the first time. Gary was 22 when they met. Gary was talking about how he has to go to a wake tonight so Sal quickly came back with ''Did someone get a whiff of your breath?'' which got some laughs from the guys in the studio. Gary asked Sal to pull down his t-shirt because he was showing his belly or something. That led to Howard talking about the girls on American Idol and how some of the chubby chicks insist on wearing belly shirts when they shouldn't be. Howard also said that one of the contestants on the show has resigned and no one is really sure why. There were some stories about the guy not wanting to be locked into an exclusive contract with the American Idol people though. Howard had to go to break after that.
A listener asked Howard if he could get his brother on the show because he just got back from Iraq. Howard told the guy that he's done bad mouthing the government because he becomes the target of too many things. He said he's decided that he likes the President now and he's pretty much done bad mouthing anyone in the government. He said free speech is just about gone and the country is turning into an Islamic country so he's going to keep his mouth shut. Howard just wants to keep his mouth shut and tell dick jokes to make people laugh. The guys were talking about some people who have been killed in other countries for saying things about their governments.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he's going to Vegas this year. Howard said he doesn't think they're going this year. He said it all has to do with the things going on with his company and they way they're treating him right now. He said he will go back when he moves to his new job at ''Eh, eh, eh'' (Code for Sirius). Howard went on to read a story about this guy Ron Chapman who worked for Infinity for many years and has decided to retire. They're having all kinds of celebrations for the guy and he didn't bring in nearly as much money as Howard did. Howard said they're treating him like he's some kind of scumbag because he's leaving the company. He said the whole thing is weird because they're acting like he's going to crush them when he moves to satellite. Howard said he thinks that satellite radio will take over as the dominant radio media but it's not going to destroy the whole industry. Howard let the caller go and then had to take another break.
Howard played one of the band's big hits, ''New Thing,'' and ''Fly High Michelle.'' Howard said it looks like Chip has kept his hair but Gary said they don't know what's under his hat. Howard asked Chip if he's got enough money. Chip said that he's not alright and that's why he's out touring right now. He had a bad year last year with the divorce and all of that stuff. He's also got a 20 year old daughter who is in college. Chip said he's only 39 but it's been a tough life for him. Chip said there are still a ton of people who remember the band from being on his show. He thanked him for that. They remembered the story that Chip told about doing something to Madonna when he met her years ago. Howard couldn't even say what it was he did to her because of the censoring of the show. He had to say that Chip had just ''disgraced her'' when he was with her.
Howard played another song from the Greatest Hits album that Chip was in to plug. Howard was really into that stuff way back when they were doing well. Chip said he feels bad because they let some people down. Howard told him not to feel that way, it's not his fault. Chip said it was right around the time the whole ''Seattle thing'' was going on. That led to the guys talking about Chip's foot obsession. He said he had to dig a chick's ''hooves'' to be into them. He said that Madonna didn't have good hooves and that's probably because she's a dancer. He said that most dancer's hoofs take abuse. Chip got in a plug for the concert he's playing tonight at The Continental with White Lion. Howard gave Chip a plug for the greatest hits album ''Favorites'' and wrapped up the interview. Chip asked Howard to come out and say hello to everyone out in the green room. Artie had never met Chip so Howard told him about how Chip could smoke a ton of weed.
Richard Christy came in and told the guys that he used to think that Vikki Foxx was a good looking dude and he was kind of attracted to him because he looked like a chick. Chip told Howard that Vikki is now working with the guys from Stone Temple Pilots since Scott Weiland left the band. Richard said he felt weird when he found out that Vikki was a dude. Richard said he had some feelings about other band members who used to dress like chicks back then. Chip said there are no ''real rock bands'' out there anymore. Richard wondered if the girls who show up to the shows are the same chicks from the 80's or if they're young. Chip said that it's both and there's tons of trim out there for them. The guys were still goofing on Richard about the gay thing. Howard said that Fred sent him a picture of a pretty girl that turned out to be a dude. He said he looked at the picture and showed it to Beth who thought she looked kind of like Nikki Ziering except she had a penis. Richard said he saw the pictures and had a feeling something was going on down in her pants. Howard asked Chip if he's ever had a problem like that. Chip said ''no comment'' but went on to tell a story about picking up some chicks but the delay was hit and we missed the end of the story. Artie said he had to take a shower after hearing the story though. Chip said he used to get some really hot chicks back in the day. Howard ended up playing another song before he went to break.
Another caller told Howard he can't wait for Howard and the guys to move to ''Eh, eh, eh.'' He also brought up American Idol and how Mario quit the show. The guy was wondering if more people are going to do that so they don't have to have to keep an exclusive contract with the show. Howard said that it does upset him when people quit the show but he doesn't think all that much about it.
Howard had some more Baba Booey bits to play but Scott the Engineer was still trying to fix Howard's microphone. Scott said it's obviously Howard's microphone so he might have to replace it during the next break. Howard was going to try and work through it but the noise was driving him nuts so he went right to break.
Howard was talking about women's purses because he was shopping for one from Chloe called The Paddington but he wasn't able to find it. He said he was trying to find it for this person but no one has it anywhere and he just can't get one. Robin said there are a lot of celebrities carrying those things around. Howard said there are some handbags out there that cost twenty grand and he thinks that's obscene. There's no way a bag is worth that much money. Even the bag Howard is looking for is a $1,300 item. The bag Howard carries was only seven dollars.
Howard was going to play some more Baba Booey songs that Sal the Stockbroker created for Gary but he was having problems with the CD player. He played one song and then replayed the Craig Gass as Gene Simmons bit that he played earlier. Gary came in and said he's amazed he didn't see all of this coming. He should have expected it with Sal working there now. Howard said they had Will the Farter there to blast a couple for them. He had Sal bring him in but they came in dressed as apes. Howard said he was going to have Will fart even though they're not allowed to let the farts get too long because of the new rules they have at the company about that stuff. Will was going to fart ''Happy Birthday'' to him but then they ran into microphone problems. Will eventually farted out some ''Happy Birthday'' to Gary for a short time. Sal said that if you closed your eyes it was almost like Gary had blown out the candles.
Gary said that they were going to have Will get married on the show but they can't have too much farting on the show so they may not be doing that. Howard said they were going to have Will blow out some candles with his farts. Will said that his fiancee is amused by the farting and she'll have him demonstrate the farts in front of friends and stuff. Sal told Howard that Will was born without a rectum and the doctors had to build one for him when he was born. That's how he's able to do what he does. Will said that he discovered the farting when he bent over one day and air went right in. He said he blasted it out after that. Gary thought that sounded kind of like a super hero discovering his superpowers. The guys were wondering if he has a normal looking ass. Will was pretty sure it was normal but he pulled down his pants and showed it to Gary for his birthday. He turned around and showed it to Howard as well. Howard thought it looked normal. He thanked will for coming in and gave him a Steven Singer Jewelers watch as a prize.
Will said that he has this guy who will let him sit on his face at a bar and fart on him just for beers. He thinks he'd be great on the show but Howard can't let them do all of that stuff on his show the way it is right now. Howard told him to bring the guy back when he goes to the new place and do it there. Howard told Gary to ask Tom if it was okay to do that there because he's not sure he can wait until they leave. Howard wondered if Will could keep his farts short. Will demonstrated how he can control them but they weren't as funny as short farts as they are when they're long. Howard said he's going to have to wait until they go to Sirius. Gary came back and told Howard that Tom said ''no'' because their lawyer doesn't want them farting ''on'' anyone. They want to take all of the funny out of it. Howard said they've got to have Will on the first day they move to Sirius. Howard had Will fart Happy Birthday to Gary once again before he left. Howard and the guys sang along this time. Will left after that so Howard moved on to play Stump the Booey.
Howard said they had a $5,000 prize courtesy of Napster.com. If Christian can beat Gary in the game, he wins the prize. Howard played songs and both Gary and Christian had to give the name of the song and the artist. The songs are from the 80s. Here's the list:
Doug Goodstein from E! came in and offered to give Tracy ten bucks to put some Crisco on her body. She said it would take $1000. Howard said he just read the rules and found that if the contestant is gay and wins, the woman has to get naked. It sounded like she was about to do it but she wanted that extra thousand bucks. Gary said he had a watch from Steven Singer Jewelers that's work between $500 and $1,000. She thought about it and said okay. They dropped the curtain and Howard thought she looked good. He had her turn around and said he was digging that. He said it was worth the watch. Gary said it was worth a Movado, not a Tag Heuer though. Artie asked if they could feel her up for a bracelet. Tracy said it would take $3 million to do that. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard told Kimberly about sitting next to Paris Hilton at a Knicks game one time and how she was on her Blackberry the whole time. Artie said something which got Kimberly's attention. She said she loves Artie and thinks he's hysterical. Howard asked her if she'd sleep with him. She said ''No way!'' and asked him how old he is. Howard told her that they're all just 33 years old. She seemed to believe what he was saying even though Artie is 37 and Howard is 51.
Howard quizzed Kimberly on some of her father's music to see if she could recognize any of it. He played one song but Kimberly didn't recognize it. It was ''Cindy's Lament'' but Kimberly said she's never even heard that song. Howard said he never heard it either. Howard played another song and it was ''An Old Raincoat Won't Let You Down.'' Kimberly didn't know that one but she did know ''Tonight's The Night.'' She didn't know many of the songs he was playing so Howard said he'd listen to everything if he was Rod's daughter. Howard changed subjects and asked her when she started having sex. She said she was 18 and has only been with a couple of guys in her life. Sal the Stockbroker came in and told Kimberly that the songs she was hearing were all from Rod's own albums, not from another band like she thought. Howard played her another song but she didn't know the name of that one either even though she knew the lyrics. She said she knows a lot of songs but doesn't know the titles.
Kimberly told Howard about kissing Kelly Osbourne one time and how weird that was. She was friends with Kelly and Jack and even gave Jack her old breast implants. She said she had them taken out after having them in for a while. She got the implants at age 18 and only went up to a B-cup. She said she only had them for 3 years and the skin isn't all stretched out like Howard figured they were. She said they snapped back because she was still young when they came out. Howard asked her to go into the bathroom and show them to him but that wasn't happening.
Kim told Howard that she hung out with Paris Hilton the other night at a restaurant called Coy. She also told Howard that she's still living at home with her father. Howard also read about the tattoo she has near her private parts which says ''Daddy's little girl loves Cisco.'' Cisco is her boyfriend. Kimberly started to choke at one point and needed some water. Fred was playing some of Jeff the Drunk's coughing sounds as she was drinking some water to get rid of the tickle in her throat. Howard and Robin asked Kimberly about how many brothers and sisters there are. Kim said that there are 5 of them. Howard said that means the money is going to be split between the 5. Robin said she doesn't think that Rod is done making kids though. Kim told Howard that her father tore down their guest house to make it even bigger for her sister and brother to move into.
Howard asked Kimberly if she ever smoked weed with her father. She said she hates weed and only drinks. She also said that the Stewarts are big drinkers. Howard read some stuff about Kimberly. She attended AA meetings when she was a kid but it was because of a boyfriend, it wasn't for her. She also posed topless for a British magazine when she was only 17 years old. She said her arms were covering her boobs though. Howard also brought up the time Kimberly fell off this little motorcycle she was riding on at an Award show. She wasn't supposed to actually ride it and she just gassed it when they turned it on. Howard told her she'd be a great catch and he'd love to be the mat of the house at Rod's place. Artie said that Rod once said that he was never going to get married again, he was just going to find a woman that hates him and buy her a house. Kimberly said she doesn't think he ever said that but he did say he was never going to get married again. She was very surprised when she heard that her father was engaged.
Ralph called in and told Howard that this girl was boring and didn't have any stories to tell. Kim knew that it was Howard's buddy and didn't want to hear it from him. Howard was going to tell a story about Ralph getting beat up at Scores over the weekend but then decided to save it for tomorrow. Ralph said a few more things about Kim that weren't so nice. He said that Will told him that she wasn't even that hot. Howard told Kim that she was really hot and Ralph didn't know what he was talking about. The guys gave Howard a picture of Kimberly's boyfriend and he looked kind of like him. Howard said that it was kind of freaky the way he looked the same. Another phone caller told Kim that she's a hot chick and asked her to put on a bikini so they can take a picture and put it on Howard's web site. Kimberly said she didn't want to do that but Gary came in a minute later with a rack of bikinis. She wasn't going to do it though.
The guys were asking Kimberly about Rod's money and if he ever talks about how he's going to split up the money. Kim also told Howard about her mother's first husband, George Hamilton. She said he's actually a really funny guy but Howard told her that George hates him. She wasn't aware of that. She said she listens to the show all the time but she wasn't aware of that. Howard asked her to get on the scale in the studio but she didn't want to do that. She admitted that she has a little bit of cellulite on her thighs, like everyone does. A phone caller told Howard that when Kim fell off that motorcycle at the award show she wasn't wearing any panties and he saw tons of ''fur burgerage.'' Kim said that wasn't true and she made sure she didn't show anything after she fell off.
Kim told Howard that her father used to drive her to school in a red Lamborghini and he'd be blasting Howard Stern the whole time. She said that it was really embarrassing to her though. She said that her father would love Howard if she brought him home to meet him. Howard said he was glad she dropped by and didn't even have anything to plug. Howard told her to say hello to her dad because he's a cool guy. Howard and Rod met at the Playboy Mansion one time and the guys actually met Kimberly that day. Kim said she was really nervous that day.
Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard that people were going nuts looking for a bikini shot of Kimberly for the web site. Kimberly said that she wasn't going to get into a bikini. Howard said that he'd give some money to a charity or something but that didn't work either. Kimberly said you can see her in a bikini in ''Loaded'' magazine. Ralph called back in and apologized for what he said earlier about Kimberly. He said he listened back to what he said and it really sounded mean. He said he was just jealous about the great life she has. He was also recovering from getting beat up at Scores over the weekend. Artie wanted to hear the story but Howard wanted to save that for tomorrow. Howard had to wrap up the interview a short time after that.
Robin had read a story about Steven Tyler's wife leaving him for a contractor who had done some work on their houses. That led to a caller telling Howard a story about how he got a couple of trophy wives in the area he's working in. He told Howard the stories but ended up getting the delay hit on him a couple of times when he cursed. The guy said he didn't go back for seconds though. Howard said he once raked a woman's leaves and got a $10 tip but that was as close as he every got getting laid by an older woman when he was a kid. Howard had Robin wrap up her news and they ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard said that he's got a tooth infection going on and he's on some antibiotics that he doesn't like. Now his ears are hurting and he's not sure if it's psychological or not. He's got to have the tooth pulled on Friday and he's on the meds until then. He got an e-mail from a fan who told him about the type of infection he has and how it eats the tooth from the inside out. The guy said the root canal isn't that big of a deal. Howard said it's not a big deal, it's just that they have to pull his out. He didn't want to hear stories from other people who had that kind of thing done. Robin said half her face was numb and she couldn't feel her tongue when she had that done. She said she lost the feeling in half her face for a full year. Robin said she was talking funny because of her tongue being numb as well. Artie wished Howard luck with his tooth after hearing that.
Cabbie said he had a meeting on Friday and they talked about what he allegedly said about getting permission from Dave Grohl to play the song he played. Cabbie said he never said anything about Dave on the show and he can prove it with the air check. Cabbie has a bunch of new ink on his body so he was showing Howard the stuff he has. He was talking about this coy fish he had on his arm and how his artist was able to create a new one over an old one he had. Howard said that Cabbie seems to be making good decisions based on what he's saying about the therapists he's been talking to. Gary came in and asked Cabbie if it's okay to call him Cabbie since he was looking for people to call him Lee since that's his real name. Cabbie said he knows he can't just drop the Cabbie thing since he's been working that name for 12 years. Cabbie said he is ''Lee'' when he leaves the radio station and he's always been Lee. Gary said that there were times when Cabbie asked them not to call him ''Lee'' and to call him Cabbie. Cabbie said he's always been Lee off the air and now he's making sure he can separate the two when he's not on the air.
Howard let a few phone callers through to talk to Cabbie. One guy wondered how long it was going to be before he falls off the wagon again. Another guy congratulated Cabbie for cleaning himself up. Cabbie's television set called in and told him to jump in front of a train this morning. One guy told Cabbie to stop coming on the show and whine like a little girl. A guy called in as Cabbie's sponsor but he was slurring his words and goofing on the whole situation.
Cabbie said he's got to go to court soon and he's facing a year on each count of his tax evasion charges. There are 3 counts so he's facing 3 years in jail. Cabbie said that whatever God has planned for him is what he's going to do. Whatever happens, happens. That's the way he's looking at it. He said the outcome is out of his hands and there's nothing he can do about that. Howard asked Cabbie if he knows that he's got to take his medicine because it levels him out. Cabbie said that he knows that he has to take them and if he stops taking them, he believes that he'll probably be dead. Another phone caller asked Howard why Tom keeps hiring back this guy Cabbie because he keeps screwing up. Tom said he's guilty of being a softie and that's why he keeps hiring him back. Cabbie was thinking that the station had some Nine Inch Nails tickets to give out but they weren't giving them to the employees. Tom told Cabbie that he doesn't have any tickets to give anyone. They have some tickets for the fans but none for the employees. Cabbie thinks that they should give the employees tickets because they're the ones supporting the music.
Howard let a few more phone callers get through and bad mouth Cabbie. One guy asked Howard to show Cabbie an open window in the building so he could jump out. There were a couple of other guys who asked Howard to get him off the air already. Howard said it's an ongoing saga and he's not going to just get rid of him. Howard asked Cabbie when he finds out if he's going to jail or not. Cabbie said that he finds out on March 24th and he's hoping to go to a Queens of the Stone Age concert that night. Cabbie also mentioned that he's going to have a car in the Indy 500 this year. He said he's not running the whole season but they do have a driver set up. Artie loves that Cabbie is facing 3 years in jail but he's still got a car entered in the Indy 500. Another phone caller said that Cabbie is passionate about the music and that's nice to hear. One caller asked Cabbie where his tattoo artist is because he wants to get some new ink himself. Cabbie said the guy's name is Mario Barth and he's at Starlight Tattoo. He's got a few locations in New Jersey according to Cabbie. Howard had to wrap up after that but Cabbie still had a few things to say. Tom asked Cabbie to just let the whole Demos thing go. Cabbie said he was letting it go but he went on and on about the things Demos said about him. Cabbie said he read about it online and Tom said that things online are not always 100 percent correct. Cabbie said there were a lot of half truths that Demos talked about on the air. Tom thought Cabbie was letting it go but Cabbie kept going on and on about it. Howard mentioned one other thing that Demos said and Cabbie said that was a lie as well. Cabbie gave one final word about all of that. He said ''F-Demos.'' Howard wrapped up after that and went to commercial break.
Howard played a clip of Carmen Electra being interviewed and asked what she would like a talking doll of herself to say. Carmen said she would want it to say ''Baba Booey, Fa Fa Fo Hi'' which seemed to surprise the person interviewing her. Howard said he loves that girl and that if he wasn't with Beth, he'd love to be with Carmen. Fred was playing some Taylor Rain ''Oh Yeah!'' sound clips which led to Howard talking about how hot she is. Fred played a couple of other porn clips of women moaning and screaming.
Howard had an interview Charlie Rose did with Michael Powell. Powell says that Howard liked that the FCC was fining him. Howard said that he's not going to disagree with the government anymore because he knows how dangerous that is. He played the clip and Powell says that Howard never offended him. He said that Howard sells ''shock jockery'' and he can sell the show better when he's got the government on him. Howard said he never asked to be called a Shock Jock and he shouldn't be calling him things like that. Powell was back and forth on his thoughts about Howard and what they did to him. Howard said that the fining has led to his show being ruined because he can't even have someone fart on someone else. He pointed out that ''the line'' of what they can do on the air has changed over the years and it's still not clear. Powell thinks that the fines that Howard had were the key to him getting his deal with Sirius. Howard said he could have stayed on regular radio and made a ton of money doing that if the FCC hadn't fined him. Howard also pointed out that he got that job on his own, without his father's help. Powell was also saying that Howard broke a rule and that's why he has been fined over the years. Powell said that the rules are subjective but that's their job to figure out what is indecent or not. Powell claims that he's a firm 1st amendment supporter but Howard just laughed when he heard that. Howard said he's sick of being the only one speaking out about this guy and he doesn't feel comfortable with Charlie Rose bringing up his name with guys like this.
Howard said he has tapes of people who have said the same things he's said on the air and it's obvious that it's a political issue. They don't fine everyone, they fine a few. Howard said he'd really like to leave today and go off into the sunset. He's got about 10 months left on his contract though. He went to break after that.
Chuck Zito was at Scores and he was apparently lecturing Ralph about how he should have expected it because he punched this guy in the face. Howard got an e-mail from someone who said that the guy who popped Ralph was in the bathroom but ran out after he saw Chuck Zito lecturing Ralph. He found the letter and read what the guy wrote. The guy said he saw Ralph come in the bathroom after Chuck Zito had come in. The writer thought that it was actually Chuck Zito who punched Ralph out. The writer was actually the one who ran out of the bathroom because he didn't want to upset Chuck in any way. He said he actually left town because he doesn't want to witness anything Chuck does.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said Ralph was a bit rough on Kimberly Stewart yesterday and maybe he was being inappropriate with the guy at Scores. Eric took a hit off his bong as he was asking Howard about Kimberly Stewart. He wondered what Richard Christy thought of her. He and Howard goofed on Richard's southern drawl a little bit. Eric asked Artie what he's eaten this morning. Artie said he's only had a bagel with extra butter and a coffee. Howard said he probably ate something before he left his house and that's when Artie remembered he had a leftover piece of Chicken Franchaise before he left his house.
Eric also brought up last night's E! show with Heidi Cortez and how she was having some trouble taking her pants down. He said that she had quite a bit of cottage cheese on her legs, below her ass cheeks. Eric also asked Howard it if was true that he's going to have commercials during his show on Sirius. Howard said he will have commercials but there won't be as many as he has now. He said it'll be okay because they're going to need to take breaks once in a while. Howard said it should be just 3 or 4 an hour or something like that. He said the music channels will remain commercial free over there. Howard had to let Eric go but Eric brought up the Darth Vader vs. Spider-Man debate they were having the other day. Eric said he thinks that Vader could beat Spider-Man just by using his two finger squeeze. Howard said that Spider-Man would move so fast and just jump on Vader and knock him out.
Howard read a story about the death of a guy from Molly Hatchett. The guy was only 53 years old. Richard Christy came in and said he was in a band that opened up for Molly Hatchett and the band actually asked them not to play because they were playing death metal. While Richard was in there Howard asked him about Kimberly Stewart. Richard said he wouldn't throw her out of bed but he wasn't all that into her. He said he's really into this Playmate that's coming in today. He said that Courtney Rachel Culkin is really ho and he's got a folder of her stuff on his computer. Howard played some Molly Hatchett songs and remembered playing their stuff on some of the stations he worked at.
Howard wanted Sam to tell them the story about Michael Jackson that he called in for. He said they had Michael Jackson do a voice on The Simpsons at the height of the show. Sam said they got a call from Jackson's people and he wanted them to use someone who did an impression of him. Sam said they came up with a story and pitched it to Michael. Michael said that he wanted to do scenes with Bart and there weren't enough scenes with him. Sam said that he doesn't know the whole time line where Jackson was with all of the celebrities he was hanging out with but it seemed like he always wanted to be with the biggest child star at the time. That's why he wanted to be with Bart Simpson. They actually created a scene where Jackson was in Bart's bedroom with him. There was also a time when they did a recording session and gave Jackson a Bart Simpson doll. One of the people who worked on the show saw Jackson kissing the doll when he didn't know anyone was watching. Howard seemed to think that was pretty funny but he had to let Sam go because he had a hot chick waiting to come in.
Courtney told Howard that she went to a 50th Anniversary search at a place on Long Island and that's how she was discovered for Playboy. Howard said she had a bit of a baby voice and he liked that.
Hook Nose Mike called in and told Howard that they'd dumped out on the Tabitha Stevens thing a little earlier. Howard said that he said it in a clean way and demanded that Tom Chiusano come in and explain why they hit the dump button on him. Howard said that's just crazy. Gary came in and told Howard that Tom said that it was said 4 times and two of them were over the top and two made it through. Howard didn't understand that and said it once again. He said ''Tabitha had her rectum Bleached. Tom came in and tried to explain himself but Howard thought he was nuts. They were talking about a medical procedure so they should be safe. Howard told Tom he really has to get out of there and asked him to release him from his contract. Mike told Howard that it was just too much ''Shock Jockery'' as Michael Powell might say.
Howard got back to Courtney and said that she's no relation to Macauley Culkin. She said she's actually a distant cousin to the Culkins but she'd have to see it herself before she believes it. Courtney went on to tell Howard about her playboy shoot and how she ended up getting implants after she was accepted for the magazine. Howard was trying to find out some crazy stuff she's done. She said that she had sex in a car with her boyfriend. She said they actually had sex while the car was still moving. It was at night so people could see if they wanted to. Courtney told Howard that she was in the insurance business until last week when she quit. She said she's making enough money to live off of now that she's a Playmate. She said she has a web site, CourtneyCulkin.com, and she makes appearances that pay well.
Richard Christy came in to talk about how he got some pictures of her and pleasured himself to her pictures over the weekend. Richard said he went out to a bar on Saturday, had a few beers and then went home to pleasure himself. He said he was really drunk and had a hard time getting himself going. He had her pictures on his computer so he sat in his office chair and his feet up on his bed. He said there's usually a puddle of sweat on the chair after he's done. He suggested that no one sit in that chair when they come over to his apartment. Richard said he fantasizes about a woman liking that he's doing that but Courtney said she wouldn't be into seeing something like that. Richard said he read that Courtney caused an accident out in front of her house, just by walking outside. She said that was true and it was a 3 car pile up.
Gary screwed up a few things about the interview. He thought that Courtney said that it was tough for her to get guys when she was younger. Howard goofed on him about that and then brought up how Gary's birthday kind of sucked because he had to go to a wake yesterday. Gary said that he went to the wake and didn't get home until 10 o'clock last night. He didn't get to have sex or anything because he was just too tired. Howard said he was supposed to have sex with Beth before she went to Florida today but he ended up falling asleep on her and didn't get to do it. Gary asked if they could have a Scores party since Beth wasn't around. Courtney said she wants to go to Scores and wanted to go with Howard and the guys.
Howard read that Courtney's mother was shot and killed in a drug deal gone bad about 12 years ago. Courtney said she was about 10 years old at the time so she had to go to therapy for that. She said she ended up crying after it happened. Howard also read that Courtney went to psychic John Edwards and he contacted her mother for her. She said that he contacted her and said that she's very proud of her. She said she didn't buy the whole psychic thing because Edwards could have found that out easy enough. She was very skeptical with it. Gary wondered why the mother doesn't just give him the full name instead of just a letter of someone's name.
Howard took some phone calls for Courtney after that. One guy said that she was just breathtaking. Another guy asked what she was going to do to make the interview better. Courtney said that she wouldn't get into a bikini but she would let Howard spank her. She also said that she'd let Howard spank her. Howard said he'd get it done and took a couple more phone calls before getting to the tickling. He had her go over to the tickle chair but she seemed kind of surprised that the interview was basically over. Howard told her she'd been there for 30 minutes already. He gave her a couple of plugs and then asked Gary if he wanted to tickle her as a birthday present. Courtney said she didn't want to be strapped in but Howard told her that she has to be strapped in. Howard told Courtney to go ahead and plug anything she wanted while Gary tickled her. She plugged her web site CourtneyCulkin.com and didn't laugh that much as Gary tried to tickle her. She wasn't responding to anything though. She said it may have been the fact that she was nervous. Howard went over and tried to get the job done instead. Howard didn't have much luck with the tickling either. Courtney told Artie that he's her favorite. Howard said she once said that she would date Artie if she had the chance. She said that he makes people laugh and that's the key to a girls heart. Howard had to wrap up the interview after that.
Jose said that the whole thing comes from the pressure that these guys are under to perform. There's a lot of wear and tear on the human body and that's why these guys are taking the steroids. Jose said that the steroids don't help your hand eye coordination but if you already have that, it can enhance that. Artie was also asking about Barry Bonds and why he's doing so well in his later years. Jose said he thinks that steroids can be the fountain of youth for some guys. Jose said the book has actually been number one for the past few weeks and it's doing very well. Howard asked Jose if he he'd be able to beat Mark McGwire's ass if he ran into him. Jose said he's pretty sure he could hold up pretty well even though Magurie is a pretty big guy.
Jose was talking about how he hates the politics of the Major League Baseball stuff. He talked about how they kicked him out of the game when the steroid use became a big story, even after they knew about the stuff before. Jose said he thinks the owners and the players association booted him out and used him as a scapegoat. Artie asked him why he wrote it, was it revenge or something else. Jose said he talks about his life growing up and not just about the whole baseball thing. Howard read some other notes he had about Jose and went over some of that stuff with him. Benjy asked Jose why he didn't name the guys who sold him the steroids since he was so willing to name the players who took them. Robin said he doesnt' want to get killed, that's why he's not naming those names. Howard also pointed out that Jose is mad at Major League Baseball, not the people who sold them the steroids. Jose said that he thinks that other people will eventually come out of the woodwork and talk about this stuff. Meanwhile, he's the only one talking about it.
Jose told the guys a story about these people who would pay to just hang out with him. He said he was offered $10,000 from a guy who wanted him to sit at the dinner table with tight shorts and a tight shirt one time. He used to have people over to his house that would pay $2,500 to just hang out with him. Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that Jose is claiming that he's not writing the book for the money but that's exactly what he's doing. He was also saying that steroids are killing more kids these days than even cocaine is. Jose thought that was a ridiculous statement and it just wasn't true. Another caller said that Jose is like the Henry Hill of baseball and someone should put a hit out on the guy. The caller said that Jose should just shut his mouth and get out of there already. Jose said that he has been subpoenaed to testify in front of congress on Thursday and he's going to be doing that. He thinks that the other players that have been asked to show up will be there but they may plead the fifth if they don't want to talk about it.
Howard asked Jose about the time he spent with Madonna. He said he met her years ago when she was looking for a Cuban man to have a kid with. He said someone saw him and called him asking if he wanted to meet Madonna. Jose said he didn't even think about having sex with her, he was just honored to have been able to meet her. He said he arranged a meeting with her. He went to visit and she brought him into her bedroom. She showed him the masturbation scene from a movie she did while they were in the bedroom. He didn't know what was going on but she was looking at him as he was watching it. She asked him what he thought about it and then showed him around her house a little more. She was also asking him a lot of questions and stuff. He left without having sex with her. He kept in touch after that and met with her again when they were both in New York. Jose said that he was separated from his first wife at the time but he really didn't have intentions of having sex with Madonna. He went over to visit her and there was a lot of paparazzi there. He said that Madonna was very relaxed that day and he liked seeing that side of her. He said they were just sitting there when Madonna asked him if he wanted to kiss her. Jose said he told her ''no'' like an idiot. They ended up making out anyway. He left after that and there were even more paparazzi outside. He got a call from his ex-wife because it became big news. He also had a bunch of people throwing stuff at him at a game a couple of days later. Artie said he was at the game and saw Jose almost hit a guy with a baseball bat after he was yelling some stuff at him. Jose said he never threatened anyone but Artie saw it happen.
Ralph called in and said that Jose is making the game more interesting by talking about this stuff in his book. Artie didn't think it was right for him to out all of the other guys that are using steroids. Howard got back to the Madonna stuff and said he's amazed that she didn't just grab his package when he was with her. Jose claims that he never had sex with Madonna. Jose brought some people with him and there was a hot chick in the group. Jose said that the woman wasn't with him though, that was a friend of his. There were a few arguments going on about the steroid use and whether or not they should change the record books. They went back and forth about that stuff for a few minutes before Howard had to wrap up the segment. He gave Jose a plug for his book and his web site JoseCanseco.com. Jose said that he's going to be making a movie out of the book. They're going to have to find a guy who can play him in the movie and that's not going to be all that easy. Jose said that he may have to play himself in the movie. Howard offered to play the part of Madonna. He ended the interview after that and went to commercial.
Howard started off the show talking about how sick he is of reading the newspaper and getting bummed out. Everything in the news is just negative. He brought up Michael Jackson, dogs being abused, people ripping off businesses and stuff like that. Artie and Howard said that the fact that Michael Jackson could be a child molester is really depressing. Robin brought up American Idol since she watched it last night. Howard thought she didn't like it. She said she has to watch it to keep up on what's going on. Yeah right. Howard talked about some of the songs they performed on the show last night and how bad they were. He heard that they have some clearance problems on that show and the contestants can't sing the songs they really want to. Someone on the show sang a Blood, Sweat and Tears song so Howard ended up talking about that band. He had the CD which someone had changed to read ''Blows, Eats and Tears.'' Howard played some of their stuff and Robin said that it was even more annoying today than it was when it first came out. Fred was throwing in some sound effects to liven up the songs a bit. Gary came in and talked about the band shortly before Howard moved on to other things.
Howard pointed out how hypocritical Clear Channel is because they just rehired a morning show that they had fired in their indecency crackdown last year. They hired ''The Regular Guys'' after firing them because of their so called ''Zero Tollerance'' policy. Howard read some other things in the news. He also brought up that tomorrow is the worst day in New York... St. Patricks Day. He talked about how bad things get there when the parade is going on. It screws up traffic and he wishes they'd move the parade to Long Island or somewhere else. Gary said that there is a lot of controversy around that parade every year. He was also talking about how much drinking goes on at the parade every year. He said it's almost like a license to get as drunk as possible.
Joey Boots called in and told Howard that Kathie Lee's chat room is back up again so he's all over it. Joey is calling himself ''Joey Boots'' in the room. Howard said he might have to get on there tomorrow night and hold a chat. Robin thought it was funny that they put it back up and Howard's fans were in there already. Howard had to go to break after that.
Benjy was the only one asking questions at this event but he ended up getting kicked out. Benjy thanked Kathie Lee for taking the time to entertain them that night. He then asked her what advice she had for parents who are having problems with their children coming out as homosexuals. Kathie rambled on about how they should love them any way they are. Benjy asked her if her son Cody came out as a homosexual, would she welcome his gay lover into her home. Kathie Lee said she would but people were started to figure out who Benjy was and he ended up getting kicked out. There were people yelling in the background and people pulling on his microphone. Benjy waited out on the street for Kathie Lee and tried to question her some more. That's when a woman hit him on the arm. Benjy tried to ask Kathie Lee about her son and if she's afraid she's going to do what Frank Gifford did with Suzen Johnson. That's when a woman hit Benjy and yelled at him. There were a couple of women who went off on him about his line of questioning. They also told him that he stepped on a dog. Benjy pointed out that there was a homeless guy on the street corner that they all walked right by. Benjy walks around with a tape recorder on him all the time and just accidentally came across that Kathie Lee thing. He said he always carries the tape recorder because there's always a chance he might be able to do something like that. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard had this woman Sheryl there who called and asked Howard for a quote about free speech for her college class. He told her to come in and get topless and he'd give her a quote. Sheryl told Howard she prefers to go by Sheri. Sheri was 25 years old and was 5'11'' tall. She didn't think it was that big a deal to take off her top. Gary said he saw her drinking in the green room though so she was probably pretty nervous. Sheri said she was looking for more if they had any. Sheri said she's a little bit old for college but she has a 4 year old kid and she's trying to become a nurse. She's in a community college so Robin wondered why she'd get topless for a class in a community college. Sheri also said that her boyfriend threatened to leave her if she went on the show today. She thinks that she's got him convinced to stay. Sheri told Howard that she has only a B-cup so Howard told her that a B-cup isn't really worth a quote.
Howard said Sheri seemed a little bummed out and maybe her life wasn't that great. She said she has had a hard life. Her parents divorced when she was 17 and she got put out on her own at that age. She's also been on anti-depressants. She ended up getting pregnant with her current boyfriend. She didn't want to give up the baby though. She also talked about a previous boyfriend who was abusive. She said she fought back and ended up going to jail.
Howard said that Sheri was an attractive girl and he likes to see attractive girls naked. He said that if she gets topless, he'll give her a good quote. If she gets completely naked, he'll give her a great quote. She's not too proud of her ass so she didn't want to do that. Howard said he'd set up a picture of her interviewing him if she would get completely naked. She said that maybe if Howard gave her implants, she would get completely naked. Howard said it sounded like her ass wasn't that great so maybe he didn't want to see it. He had her ask the questions she had. Gary made sure she got topless before she asked her questions. Howard asked her if she's retarded for some reason. She said she's not and she's a phlebotomist and she's qualified for that job. Howard had her take her top off and she had some tattoos on her belly. He didn't seem to like them. Sheri turned around and took her top off. Howard said her boobs weren't that bad.
Sheri was taking her time but eventually asked Howard when he knew he wanted to be in radio. Howard said he knew at the age of 5. She then asked about early censorship of The Rolling Stones and Elvis. Howard said it shows a lot because people used to censor that stuff but now it's mainstream. Sheri asked Howard if he thinks his content offends some people. Howard said of course it does but what he has to say to people who find it offensive is ''F-You!'' She also asked him if there was anything else about free speech that he wanted people to know. He told her to tell people to follow him over to Sirius and people would hear all the free speech they wanted to hear.
Sal the Stockbroker came in and asked Howard if someone should be wearing a mask for this. Gary said Sal should be wearing one but Sal said that maybe the girl should be wearing one. Sheri said she was going to get him after the show. She also asked Howard if there was anything she could do to get implants. Howard told her to leave them alone, she looked fine. He wrapped up the interview a short time later and went to commercial.
Howard had some e-mail to go through. He got a letter from this guy Principal Benfer who Howard had made a prank call to many years ago. Howard replayed the prank call that he and Fred made to the guy. Fred played a retarded kid and Howard was the father. Howard read the letter from the guy and he said that he has retired from the school he worked at for 37 years. Howard wasn't even sure when the call was from but Fred guessed that it was 1988 or so. Howard tried to do the math to come up with how many years that was. He figured it was about 17 years ago. The Principal has been retired for 2 years now so Howard figured he must have retired in 2003.
Howard read some e-mail about the Jose Canseco interview that they did yesterday. One person said that Artie did a good job asking the questions he asked. There were also some people who thought that Canseco's book is a good thing and the fact that he's shedding light on the steroid problem is good for baseball. There were some people who thought he was a liar because he said he was a big fan of the show but had no idea who Dominic Barbara was when he called in. Another person thought that his Madonna story was a bunch of crap and it sounded rehearsed to him. Some people were mad at Howard for kissing Jose's ass on the show yesterday but Howard didn't think he was doing that at all. Howard read through a few other e-mails about Canseco and a lot of people think the guy wasn't as talented as people make him out to be. There was one e-mail about that Playboy Playmate Courtney and how annoying she was on the show. Howard said a lot of people weren't impressed with Rod Stewart's daughter being on the show the other day. An e-mailer said that Tom was full of it when he said he only hit the delay on Howard talking about Tabitha Stevens' bleached rectum two times yesterday. The caller said that it was hit all four times he mentioned it.
Howard said Jason screwed up yesterday and didn't wake him up like he's supposed to do after the show when he's napping in his office. Jason said he just lost track of time but now he has an alarm clock he's going to use so he doesn't forget. Artie was talking about how disgusting the bathroom is there at the station and how dangerous the toilet seats are. He said they're not tightened down and they're a mess. Howard said he read a story about a guy losing his penis because of a toilet seat not being attached the right way. Gary said there's one stall in the bathroom where the door doesn't close. You have to kick it closed and it will pop open on it's own. Tom Chiusano came in and said that the biggest problem with the bathroom is the people who use it. He said he can't believe that people treat that bathroom the way they do and then have the balls to complain about it. Howard had Bong Hit Eric on the line so he was taking some hits as they were discussing the bathroom. Howard told Tom that there are some people there who take care of the bathroom and they shouldn't have to suffer because of others who don't.
Gary said that Dan the Song Parody Man went to the bathroom the other day and there was a puddle on the floor that soaked his shoe laces. He had to cut the laces off because he didn't know if it was water or something else. Howard asked Tom how often the bathroom is straightened up. Tom said there is no one assigned to do that job. Howard said they have to have someone to take care of it because they have so many people using it. Tom claims that the bathroom is part of the office cleaning service they have so it's cleaned once a day. Robin said that the women's bathroom is just as bad but they clean it up themselves. Bong Hit Eric told Howard about how people would pick their noses and wipe it on the walls at the place he worked on Wall Street. Howard had to hang up on him after hearing that. Gary asked Tom about the door in the stall that's broken. Tom said this is the first he's hearing of it so he'll have someone fix it. Gary also asked to have the sanitary seat covers restocked because they've been out for weeks now.
Richard Christy came in and said that there are some dirty magazines in there and he thinks that Sal is the one bringing them in there. Tom wondered if Howard wanted his employees to take leisure time like that. Tom claims that he tells his sales people not to take stuff like that in the bathroom with them. Tom said he finds it odd that people think they have time to read in the bathroom like that. Howard said he's seen Tom reading the paper in his office so he doesn't know what he's talking about. Gary said that he reads the paper but he does it for work and he doesn't leave the stuff laying around the bathroom. Richard said that there has been a brown stain on the wall since he started working there and it still hasn't been cleaned. Gary said that the toilet in that stall is angled weird and he can't use it because his legs hit the wall. Captain Janks called in and said he's seen some strange things in the bathroom as well. Hook Nose Mike said he saw used toilet paper on the floor when he was up there a few months ago. Dan the Song Parody Man came in and talked about how the bathroom trash is always full by noon and no one wants to touch it because someone may have blown their nose in there or something. Howard had to take another break so he wrapped up the bathroom conversation.
Ronnie said he was going to surprise Howard with this whole thing but the guys thought they should tell him about it. Ronnie handled the situation really well and hooked them up. Brooke says she's been dating a guy for a while now and things are pretty serious right now. Howard and the guys were putting him down just to make themselves feel better. Brooke said she likes the big football types of guys so she probably wouldn't date someone like Howard. Gary said that she seemed kind of disgusted when she was asked if she'd date Howard a little earlier.
Howard asked Brooke to take her top off and she didn't think it was that big of a deal. She said she had a beer before she came in just to take the edge off. She had D-cups and Howard was impressed when she took her top off. Artie sounded like he was impressed as well. Brooke said she used to be a DD but she lost some weight and lost a cup size. Artie told her that they were ''perfect.'' Howard wanted to see her ass but she didn't think it was all that great. Gary also asked her to take her top all the way off because they wanted to see her stomach. She granted his wish and Artie went nuts when he saw her exposed chest. He said it was the nicest chest he's ever seen.
Brooke thought her boobs were just ''alright'' and didn't seem to think the rest of her body was that great. Howard and the guys let her know she looked great though. Brooke shared a story about a lesbian experience she had about 3 years ago. She didn't really enjoy it all that much and there was a dude involved in the whole thing. Howard kept telling her she looked great trying to get her to show her ass. She showed them a little bit and it was great according to Howard and Ronnie. She said that she got her breasts from her mother and her ass from her father.
Ronnie told Howard that Brooke brought another woman with her who wanted to take her top off. Brooke said that the woman is her boss. Her boss, Katrina, came in and said she'd show the guys her bra but not take her top off. She eventually flashed them but said that they've seen great breasts already and they don't need to see hers. Howard wanted to know more about Brooke's lesbian experience but she didn't want to get into it that much. She said it just happened and it wasn't that big of a deal. She said she was hanging out with this friend of hers at this bar and they ended up going back to her apartment to do some stuff. Her boyfriend at the time got involved with it and ended up going off with the other girl.
Howard gave Brooke a $500 prize thanks to Tom Chiusano. Brooke wanted to give a plug for her boyfriend's party but Howard wanted her to get into some lingerie or something. Doug Goodstein from E! gave her a bikini bottom to change into and she agreed to do it. She went in Howard's private bathroom and got changed. Ralph called in while that was going on. He was going to talk about how he got beat up at Scores but Howard wanted to finish up with Brooke first. Howard and the guys spent a short time talking to Ralph while Brooke was getting ready. She came out a short time later so Howard held off on the Ralph story. Brooke didn't think she looked all that great but Howard told her she looked really good. She had a nice ass according to him. He said he likes that she's so insecure. She's not fat but people have told her that so she's really insecure. Brooke was in a full bikini but her boobs barely fit in the top of the bikini. Howard let her give out a plug for her boyfriend's ''Spring Fling'' party that he's holding. The guys wondered how they could find out more information about the party. She said they could let people contact her but they weren't going to do that. Gary told her that if she took her bottoms off, they'd put the information on their web site later today and the guy could charge people to get into the party. She refused to do that though. Doug Goodstein asked her if they could spray her down with some cooking oil like they did to Crystal Klein recently. She let him spray her but didn't think it was doing anything. Howard said it wasn't doing anything for her but it was doing something for them. Howard told Brooke that if she ever needs anything that she should talk to them. They are her new friends and they'll probably run into each other in the building. Gary said someone suggested that they give her a watch to make out with her boss. Brooke said she has a watch and doesn't need another one.
Howard and the guys were talking about hiring her just to walk around the station in hot clothes. Howard said they have some money in the budget for that. Howard told her to just go in and direct the E! show for the next segment. They could hire her to do that. Howard told Gary to show her what to do and he'd fire Scott (DePace) so she could replace him. Howard told her to stay in her bikini while she did it. Gary brought a wireless microphone with him and sat her down in the E! control room. Scott DePace didn't want to show her how to do everything so he let Gary do it. Gary showed her the buttons to hit and let her direct the show a little bit. Brooke said she just has to hit buttons so she could probably do it. Howard had her stay in there to practice during the commercial break.
Howard told the girls they had to act out a play and Brooke had to say that she's been waiting for this for a long time. Artie wanted them to ask him to join in during the make out session as well. Brooke was laughing while she said that but she went in for the kiss a few seconds later. The guys liked what they saw. Brooke looked a little frazzled to Howard. He said her face was kind of red after the kiss. Katrina said that Brooke is the best intern they've ever had at the place they work at. Howard told both of them that they were there if they ever need them for anything. He said he thinks they'll be seeing Brooke around there in the future. He let them go a short time later. Katrina said they're going to be having a Scores party for a client on April 2nd so you may run into them there if you're at Scores that day.
Lonnie Hanover from Scores called in to talk about the situation. Lonnie said he thinks Ralph was trying to impress one of the dancers. He heard that there were some guys there from a sports team, that he wasn't going to mention, and Ralph may have said ''What are you looking at?'' when they were checking out the girls. There were also some stories about Chuck Zito being there and lecturing Ralph about the fight. Lonnie told Ralph that he was lucky to have survived if he was the one who threw the first punch. Ralph said he was just horsing around and didn't punch the guy like he was looking for a fight. The guy who saw Ralph in the bathroom getting lectured by Chuck Zito ended up running out of the place so he wouldn't have any part of the fight. Ralph says his face is still swollen a few days after getting punched.
Irish John called in and said that Ralph comes off the wrong way when he has a couple of drinks in him. Another caller said that Ralph finally got his due and he was glad to hear that he'd been punched. Dan the Song Parody Man came in and said that Ralph kind of punched him at the Christmas Party while they were playing a game of Blackjack. He said if it was anyone but Ralph, he would have laid him out. Big John from Scores called in because he saw what happened. John said that Ralph is a little girl and called him his ''little bitch.'' Rick, the guy who hit Ralph was also on the phone. Rick told his story and it wasn't quite what Ralph remembered so he didn't think it was really the guy. Rick said Ralph went down when he punched him in the face but Ralph said that he didn't go down. Rick also said that Ralph had gone to the bathroom and when he came back he tapped him on the shoulder and gave him an ''F-you.'' That's when the whole thing broke out. Rick said he held back when he punched Ralph and he really could have taken him out if he wanted to. Big John backed up Rick's story and said that Ralph did go down on one knee when he got punched. John said Ralph was also trying to put salt on the wound to make it stop bleeding but it wasn't working. He said Ralph was talking to some really hot chick and he had a salt drip coming down his face while he was doing that. Howard wrapped up the conversation so he could talk to Mary McCormack. Howard took a couple of phone calls before Mary was on the phone. A couple of guys were glad that Ralph got punched out and some wished that he'd had his jaw broken.
Howard asked Mary about hooking her brother up with Lucy Liu. She never introduced her to Howard and he was kind of upset about that. He asked her why she wasn't introducing people to him when he got divorced. Mary told him he did fine on his own and now he's got Beth. Howard wondered how long it took her brother to get into Lucy's pants. Mary didn't want to know about that because it's her brother. Howard wanted to know more about that relationship and figured he was talking to the wrong McCormack. Gary said that Mary did some stuff on ''E.R.'' last year. Mary said that the show is going to be interesting over the next few weeks because they're having an election and the whole cast could be changed for next season.
Howard interrupted Mary with some breaking news. He said that they had a picture of Brooke and her boss making out on his web site HowardStern.com.
Howard got back to Mary and talked to her about her husband a little bit. He figured that the guy came from a family with money but Mary told him that he really didn't. She said that the guy came from a family that had very little money. Howard changed subjects and asked Mary if she's seen Lucy Liu in her panties. Mary said that she thinks she has because she's gone over to Lucy's house to work out with her. Howard asked her if she's ever smelled her brother on Lucy. Mary said it was time to go after that. She just wanted a plug for The West Wing which airs tonight.
Irish John called in and told Mary that she looked really beautiful on Celebrity Poker recently. Her rack was really big at the time because she'd had a kid and her breasts were pretty full. A caller asked Howard if it was true that Mary got turned on and smelled an odd smell when they were doing their love scenes. He asked her about her vaginosis so Howard hung up on him and wrapped up with Mary. He talked about how beautiful Mary's baby Margaret is and then went to break.
Howard gave Nick some plugs for some shows he has coming up. Nick is at Carolines tonight at 9:30 and he's doing a show up in Buffalo with Artie on Saturday. Artie said that he and Nick have one of those ''dream mid-March shows up in Buffalo.'' They sold out a couple of shows at a big club up there according to Artie. Nick is also appearing on the Jeff Foxworthy roast on Comedy Central Sunday night. Howard had Robin start her news after giving Nick his plugs.
Double A called in during the news and told Howard he was really looking forward to seeing that chick Brooke because they were saying she looked like Beth. Howard said that she really didn't look like Beth, she was just a blonde with long hair. Zolar called in after that and told Howard how hot his girlfriend is on the show she does on Spike TV. Zolar said she was part of a strip poker game and some dude ended up taking his pants off. Zolar said it looked like Beth had never seen a monster that big when the guy took down his pants. Howard said he didn't know what was going on with that show and Beth has never seen anything that big come out of his pants. He had Robin get back to her news so they could finish up the show. Nick and Artie had some fun joking around during the news. Artie had the delay hit on him a couple of times while he was cracking some jokes about Sammy Sosa. They ended the show at around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about his trip out to Long Island yesterday. He was driving back when he heard the Robert Blake trial verdict. He heard the news live and it was pretty dramatic to him. He remembered listening to a Muhammad Ali fight when he was a kid because it felt like the same kind of excitement to him. Howard spent a short time talking about the verdict. He said he thinks the jury may have believed that Blake ''did it'' but they got caught up in the amount of evidence there was and had to let him off. He was talking about how jurors want to see video tape of someone committing a crime to actually convict a person these days. Howard had to run up and watch TV after he heard that Blake was acquitted. Howard said that Robert Blake really did become Baretta and had a ton of cliches that he was spewing after he was let off. Blake was talking about how he was going to go ''cowboying'' after getting out of jail. Howard said he was saying a lot of other crazy things and he had some audio clips of him to play for everyone. He played the tape of Blake rambling on and on about success and failure having a large family and was basically calling his small group of lawyers the ''success'' and the large family of lawyers on the prosecuting side as the ''failure.'' Blake also went through a lot of money trying to get off so he said that he's broke and needs a job. Blake also went off on all of the people who talked about him while he was in jail. He was calling them ''liars'' and ''commode scum.'' Blake was basically calling them out and said that if they had problems with him, they can take care of them.
Howard said that guy Blake is a character. He interviewed him once and the guy was kind of crazy. Fred played a little audio from the interview where Blake freaked out on Howard about the way he was being interviewed. Blake told Howard to look at him when he was talking to him and threatened to walk out and cursed a couple of times. Blake told Howard that he wasn't a monkey and he didn't want to be treated like one. Blake was also saying that he was kind of scared of being in the studio, but wasn't scare of Howard. Howard said that listening back to the interview it didn't sound that bad. Robin and Gary reminded Howard about the glare that Blake was giving him and how that was the scary part.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and talked about the Blake case and how Blake basically threatened everyone but the judge and they still let him go. Dominic said he was expecting Blake to say something about how he can't wait to see the judge out on the street. Dominic said that it must be a California thing and if you're living in Nevada and thinking about killing someone, make the drive to California because you'll probably get off. Artie said that if you live in New Jersey you should do the same thing. Dominic said the whole thing is kind of funny because the whole story is so crazy. Blake told the cops his wife was killed when he went back to the restaurant to get his gun. He said that Michael Jackson should get Blake's lawyer because he could probably get him off if he got Blake off. Dominic wondered if anyone has ever threatened anyone after getting off on a murder charge like Blake did. Howard said he should have just said that he was thankful he got off and left it at that.
Howard let Dominic go and played some more clips of Blake talking about what he's going to do now that he's out of jail. Blake said he's going to go ''Cowboying'' and explained what he means by that. He said he'll be roaming around the country just finding people who don't have an agenda and enjoy that stuff. He was rambling on and on about that stuff a bit and he did sound kind of wacky. Howard and Robin think that they should keep an eye on Blake. Howard had to take a commercial break after that.
Howard said that Artie's top 3 money picks are up on HowardStern.com today. They also have a March Madness section where you can see some of the hot chicks they've had on the show this month. They have some pictures of Brooke the Hot Chick from yesterday's show. Howard said he's got so much content now that he could probably start his own magazine. He figures he could have a lot of the girls that come on the show and get naked in the magazine. He said his girlfriend is down in Florida doing some photo shoots for FHM and she'll be trying on a bunch of bikinis and commenting on them. Howard said that he doesn't think they even pay her for the photos but they do pay her for the column she writes for them.
Howard said he really doesn't have time to create a magazine of his own. He's got so many other things going on that he just can't do it. He brought up some of the many projects he's got his hand in that would keep him from doing a magazine. Robin told Howard that he needs someone like Oprah's friend Gayle King who takes some of the workload off of Oprah and helps her out. Howard ended up asking Fred if he wanted to handle the magazine for him. Fred said that he'd have to know what kind of magazine it would be so Howard told him he was out. Fred ended up arguing with Howard about it so Howard said that's the reason he can't be his ''Gayle King.'' Artie told Howard to look at Benjy and thing ''Gayle King'' instead. Howard said he needs the actual Gayle King and not someone who could be like her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the pictures of Brooke the Hot Chick were really hot. He thought that Scott DePace's plaid shirt was kind of dated though. That led to Howard and the guys goofing on Scott a little bit before Howard took another phone call. The next caller said that when Howard interviews hot chicks the show is really slowed down and it gets kind of boring. Howard agreed and said that Gary sometimes loads up the show with too many hot chicks. They have some girls coming in today that claim to get it on together. Howard said that they have always had hot chicks on the show and they will continue to do that. It's not always possible to tell if the girls are going to be a good interview though.
The phone caller asked Howard why he doesn't show nipple in the pictures they put up on his web site. Howard said he does that so women will continue to pose for them. The caller admitted that he wouldn't tune into the E! show if Howard showed nipple in the topless pictures on his web site. Howard said that's one reason to keep the pictures the way they are on his site. He had to take another break after that.
Howard said that today is his dog's birthday and she's 3 years old. If Beth was around they'd be throwing a party for the dog. Howard said that he won't be doing that. Robin pointed out that Howard used to goof on Richard Simmons for sending out birthday invitations for his pets, meanwhile, that's basically what Howard is doing. He's become the same thing he used to make fun of.
Howard cut the game off an took a call from a woman who told a story about Richard Christy. She said they were out eating and he wasn't able to get up from the table because he was aroused. The waitress was waiting for them to finish up so she could go home from work. Richard came in and said that this girl was telling him a bunch of stories and got him all worked up. He said the waitress was just waiting for them to leave but he couldn't get his arousal to go down. That led to the guys talking about the porn they watch to pleasure themselves. Howard said he's been using some On-Demand stuff from his cable company. Howard talked about how he ordered a movie recently that cost him $10.95. The movie said something about ''10 hunks'' and it turned out to have a bit too much guy's ass in the first part of the movie. He fast forwarded through that and got to the second part and they had a really hot chick. Gary came in and asked if Howard pays his own bills or if someone else looks at that stuff and sees what he ordered. Howard said he has an accountant that takes care of paying the bills but that stuff doesn't bother him.
Richard told Howard about the chick they had on the phone and how he pleasures himself to her pictures but they don't do anything to each other. Richard said she likes that he uses her pictures but he doesn't chase her for sex or anything. Howard talked about Ronnie the Limo Driver and how strong his pimp hand is with women. He said that Ronnie is great the way he handles chicks. Richard said it's kind of hard to read how a girl wants to be treated sometimes so he doesn't know how to approach her. Richard said that this girl, Wendy, gave him a pair of her panties a couple of weeks ago. He said that was really cool of her to do so the guys asked him why he's not banging her.
Ronnie came in and asked Richard what's wrong with him. He was aroused and didn't close the deal. Wendy said that they were even in the same hotel room that night. Ronnie thinks that Richard is gay or something. Gary said that Richard might be in a situation where he just doesn't know how to handle a real relationship like that. Howard asked Wendy if she would actually do him. She said that she likes how respectful Richard is. That basically meant that Richard blew it. Robin told Richard that she looks at him like another girl now and he will probably never get her. Richard said he should go out with Ronnie and try to learn from him. Ronnie said Richard is like Mike Gange who will spend all night talking to a girl and then say goodnight without getting anything. The guys tried to give Richard some advice and told him that he really screwed up that night. Ronnie told him that he should have closed the deal as soon as the door to the hotel room closed. Fred played some gay porn audio clips after that because Richard was pretending to come on to Ronnie.
Howard was going to get back to the John the Stutterer Game because he had some Wrestlemania 21 tickets to give away. He had a phone caller on the line to play the game. The caller told Howard to get some web cams on his web site and charge people to watch. Howard doesn't want to charge his fans for that stuff but he would like to have a camera on Fred so people could watch him all morning.
Howard asked Artie how he's doing today. Yesterday he felt like crap and he was still feeling lousy this morning. Howard goofed on him because he had stomach problems yesterday but he was eating chocolate Pop-Tarts and trying to ''eat through'' his stomach problems. The phone caller told Howard that he just saw ''Private Parts'' and wondered if he was going to do a sequel. Howard said he does have some guys working on a new movie idea and it's really funny. He didn't want to talk about what the story was because he didn't want to spoil it. The caller told Howard he should start the movie off with the end of the first movie where he was talking about how he still has his kids and his wife Alison. Howard said that hurt. Howard said the only thing that has really changed is the fact that he doesn't have his wife anymore. The caller said that Howard's ex-wife got remarried and that guy probably loves Howard's kids. Howard told the guy he doesn't know if that guy loves the kids. Howard ended up telling the caller he wasn't going to make a sequel to Private Parts just because he asked him to make it. He hung up on him right after that.
Howard had some audio of his movie wife Mary McCormack being interviewed about Howard. Mary talked about how she didn't listen to Howard's show before she met him. She said she eventually came around and thought his show was very funny and not what she expected at all. Howard said it sounds like Mary is getting a little bit of an accent. He said that she's very sweet though. Howard and Robin spent a little time talking about American Idol and Survivor before getting to the John the Stutterer game.
Howard got another phone caller on the line and played the next John the Stutterer song. John stuttered out some ''I shhh, shhhh...'' and Howard and Robin guessed that it was ''I Shot the Sherrif.'' The caller thought it was ''My Sharona'' at first but changed his answer to match Howard and the rest of the guys. They were right with ''I Shot the Sherrif.'' Howard gave the caller the trip to Los Angeles to see Wrestlemania 21 and then went to commercial break.
Howard brought up the Robert Blake case again and said he can't believe that guy got off. He said that's pretty wild and the press conference is even wilder. Howard played some more audio from the press conference Blake held. Gary also brought in some audio from the Larry King show where they had some of the jurors from the trial on the show. One of the jurors was asked a question and basically ignored it and plugged his CD. The juror also said they didn't find Blake ''innocent'' they just found him ''not guilty.'' Howard played more of the Robert Blake audio and goofed on him a little bit.
Howard tried to ask the girls about this DVD they were promoting but they were giving lame answers and joking around instead of just answering the questions. The girls said you can also win a date with them by going to that web site. Howard asked the girls to make out with each other but they wanted to do it next to Howard. Howard told them to just do it where they were sitting. They did that quickly and then offered to get into the RoboSpanker to get spanked. The delay was hit at least once while Howard was setting everything up though. Howard tried to question the girls about who they've dated and stuff like that but they wouldn't answer anything without giving him a hard time.
Doug Goodstein came in and tried to help get the girls set up in the RoboSpanker. He wondered if they could put green whipped cream on the girl's ass. Suzanne was in the machine first and said that the spanks weren't really that hard. Howard had the machine spank her a few more times and she finally started to feel it. Howard then asked her to get into the tickle chair or the tickle post. He told the girls they could plug all they wanted if they got into the tickle chair. Both girls took some clothes off and got in the tickle chair and tickle post. Artie saw one of the girls naked breasts and said that she might be his favorite guest ever. He thought they were some of the best looking implants he'd ever seen. Howard wasn't sure if he'd be able to get up to tickle them because he was so aroused.
Howard got up and went over to tickle the girls. They were restrained in the tickling devices. One of the girls asked to be tickled with ice for some reason. Howard said he would let them plug anything they wanted as long as they were being tickled. He proceeded to tickle Buffy who wasn't really all that ticklish at first. She said that she was holding back and eventually laughed a little bit. Howard and Gary told the girls that they were a bad interview because they weren't answer the questions they were being asked. Gary tried to help the girls out by giving them some advice but they didn't listen. Howard told them that they were really hot but they just weren't good interviews. They'll be fine on the E! show but not on radio. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later and gave them another plug for their DVD. He asked the girls to kiss each other before going to break. The girls said that they had some other stories to tell the ''next time'' they're on the show. Gary gave them a news flash and said that there won't be a next time. Each of the girls got a plug for their respective web sites, SuzanneStokes.com and BuffyTyler.com as Howard was going to break.
Howard apologized for the segment they just had but those two girls were really hot. He said that someone had called in earlier and complained about hot girls being boring and that just happens sometimes. Howard said that interviewing them was impossible and nothing was working to make it interesting. Howard said he wanted to hear about their sex lives but they just wouldn't talk. He said they should have done something like ask them questions to find out how stupid they were.
Gary told Howard that if they brought them back in and tried that, they'd probably just goof around with it and it would be even more annoying. Howard said he gave up already. Doug came in and asked Howard if he wanted them to play some naked Twister. Howard said that doesn't work on radio though and it's only good for the TV show. Gary said that Christy Hemme came in last week and she was a great interview. He wasn't expecting it to be as good as it was. Howard said you never know until you get them on the air how they're going to be. Gary said the girls are still there. Howard decided to move on and do some other things.
Howard read some e-mail from some people who are angry at Ralph. People just don't like when he's on the air for some reason. He said he gets a ton of e-mail whenever he's on the air. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said he heard another story about Ralph getting punched in the face at Scores over the weekend. He heard that Ralph asked a couple of guys what they were looking at when they were staring at him. One of the guys threatened to break a bottle over his head after he did that. Howard read some of the mail he got about Ralph and people really hate him. There are some people that were happy to hear that he'd gotten punched in the face though. Howard had a new song parody about Ralph as well.
Howard read some e-mail about Cabbie who was on the show the other day. One guy thinks that Cabbie will be dead before he's 40 years old and that he'll probably die before Artie does. There was another e-mail about Tabitha Stevens' rectum bleaching. The writer said that he once read that Lara Flynn Boyle had her's bleached as well. Howard said he'd love to talk to her about that if it't true. He said he thinks she's a little too skinny but she's got a really sexy face. Another e-mailer asked Howard what's up with Gary wearing his Adidas jacket every time he sees him on the E! show. The guy also complained about Artie's wardrobe and mentioned a shirt that Artie was actually wearing today. Gary came in and said that he has to wear it in his office because it's so cold in there. He doesn't wear it as a fashion statement.
Howard had some mail about Tom Chiusano and the way he treats his sales people. Yesterday Tom said that he doesn't allow his sales people take reading material to the bathroom when they go. Howard said he has to agree with the writer because Tom's policing of the sales people has gone a little too far. Tom came in and said that newspaper and magazine reading should be over at 9am. Howard pointed out that Tom is the guy who created a cardboard putter so he could practice his swings in his office. Tom claims that he would say something to any sales person, even if they're the best one he has, if he sees them walking to the bathroom with reading material. Howard tried to point out some of the things that Tom has done over the years where he's wasted time. Tom admitted that he has done things in the past but he hasn't done them lately. Tom was a salesman for years and he believes that he's paid his dues.
Howard read an e-mail about Jose Canseco's appearance and how steroid use doesn't matter. Howard talked about how much time the government is wasting talking about the steroid use. Ralph was on the phone to talk about the mail that Howard had read about him. Ralph said that Ronnie was hearing stories second hand and he wasn't mouthing off to anyone like he was claiming. Howard let him go shortly after that and then read another e-mail from someone who complained about the bong hit callers like Bong Hit Eric. Howard had Eric on the phone and read some of the mail to him. Eric said that the guy might just need to smoke some weed himself. Eric told Howard that the March Madness hot chick gallery on HowardStern.com is great. Howard and Jason mentioned some of the other stuff they have on the site that's pretty good.
Howard said that he's been reading Rosie O'Donnell's blog lately and she made some good points about Kirstie Alley being much fatter than she claims to be. Howard played some audio of Rosie talking about Kirstie and how she should just come out and admit how much she actually weighs. Rosie said it's probably more like 248 instead of the 208 she's claiming.
Howard moved on and played some audio of Pat Robertson complaining about colleges that have become ''cesspools'' and telling people not to give money to them when they could be giving money to his organization which will have a nice clean college program. Howard said he needed something to cheer him up so he had Fred play the Don Imus gay porn bit they put together.
Howard thought he had Eric the Actor on the phone but when he picked up, it wasn't him so Howard hung up the phone. He didn't recognize that it was Dominic Barbara. Howard and the guys ended up talking about Dominic's weight loss. Artie thought that Dominic sounded a bit winded each time he's called in lately. Howard thinks that he might be gaining his weight back and that's why he sounds that way. They were also talking about some other people who have had their stomach's either stapled or banded and still gained weight. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard played a bit that Richard Christy did as Rod Stiffington with Lucky the Leprechaun talking to an author, Bill Verkest, who wanted to plug his book. Lucky was being very rude and asking the author a bunch of really rude questions which were so insulting that the author hung up on them. Howard said the guy was a good sport and he's got a book called ''A Family Matter: A Guide to Organizing Your Personal Estate'' which is available at AFamilyMatter.net.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about last night's ''Survivor.'' He spent some more time talking to Mitch about his career as well. Mitch said that he can make some good money being on the road and he didn't know he'd be able to do that. Artie told Howard that he's a huge draw for comedy shows. Mitch said he spends a lot of his money on stuff and he's not even sure where it goes. He said he hires people to do things for him that he just doesn't feel like doing. Mitch also spends money on sunglasses and that's his thing. Mitch is married and goes on the road with his wife who is also a comedian. The two of them travel in their RV and really enjoy it. Mitch said he didn't drive the RV out to New York so it's sitting at LAX right now. Howard said he heard that he was living in Central Park and had a great view down there. He had Robin start her news shortly after that.
Tommy Gallagher, a trainer from ''The Contender,'' called in and told Howard they were inviting him to the final, live show on May 24th. Artie said he thinks the final show is going to be on March 28th and they may not even make it to the final episode. Howard said he'd think about it because it was on a Tuesday night. Howard said he'd love to go out to Vegas to see the fight. Tommy said they'd even fly Howard in. Howard said he shouldn't even be so worried about being at work every day because he's leaving the company at the end of the year anyway. He should slack off for a few days and just go out to Vegas and enjoy the fight. Howard said that now is the time to screw off and do what he wants. He has a weird work ethic and feels compelled to show up to work every day. He's leaving that place and going to the new job the next day. He's still remaining loyal to the company even though they're kind of screwing him over. That led to Howard talking about ''The Osbournes'' and how Sharon really tried to screw the company that she worked for. He said that really pissed him off because she was screwing over the people she worked with.
Ralph called in to tell Tommy what the problem is with The Contender. He said that the fights are great but people are just sick of reality TV shows. Howard said that's not true because Paris Hilton's show is still a hit. Ralph really didn't have anything bad to say about the show, he was basically just saying that they weren't getting viewers, that was there problem. Howard hung up on him and said that he's going to write a hate letter about Ralph to his own show after hearing that. Howard told Tommy he'd get back to him about the Las Vegas thing.
Howard talked a little bit about how confused people are about him still being on the radio. Howard said that Beth was down in Florida arguing with a woman at her hotel about whether or not Howard was on satellite yet. The woman insisted that he had already moved. Howard said a guy at a restaurant he was at was jerking him around about the same thing. Howard is amazed that they don't know that he's still on regular radio at this point.
The guys were talking about steroids in the news so Howard said that he probably needs them because he took a picture of himself nude before he went into the shower. He said that he was just taking a picture of his head but he saw how skinny his shoulders looked and took pictures of the rest of his body to see how he looked. He figured he could use steroids after seeing the pictures. Sal the Stockbroker came in and asked Howard why he's still taking nude pictures of himself at the age of 50. Howard told him to get out of the studio and had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show talking about how Gary will come in and hijack a conversation he's having with someone before the show starts. Fred said he does that to him as well. Howard said it drives him crazy. Fred complained about how Gary will just walk in and start talking to someone like Artie while he's talking to him. Howard was also talking about Artie's eating and how he was rushing into the studio with his bagel and not even paying attention to what was around him. Artie said he hasn't been eating food after 3 in the afternoon and that's why he wants to rush in and eat first thing in the morning. He's lost 35 pounds in the past year doing things that way. Howard said he eats at night all the time and he's pretty bad about that. He eats frozen, sliced banana all night. He says it's like his form of ice cream. Robin told Howard to stay out of Artie's way when he comes through with that bagel thing.
Artie threw up yesterday so he's still trying to work through his stomach problems. Howard said he got an e-mail from someone who thinks they know what's wrong with Artie. The writer says that Artie probably has Pancreatitis and he's going to need to cut back on the types of food he's eating. The guy described the symptoms and it sounded like what Artie was suffering from. Artie said he might be right because he doesn't have a fever. The writer has to cut off the drinking and eating but Artie has a comedy gig on Saturday up in Buffalo. He'll be drinking up there.
Howard told Sal he's got a problem if he's going to Sephora unless he's going there to get stuff for his wife. Sal said that it's hard to find a good store like that. Artie told Sal that he looked fine this morning and he wasn't even wearing any make up. Howard let a couple of phone callers rip into Sal about his make up wearing. One guy said it's clear to him when he sees Sal on the E! show. Zolar called in and said he once caught Sal with a make up kit at a comedy club one time. Zolar also told Howard that Artie eats apples and puts butter on them so talking to him about eating bananas is crazy. Zolar was also telling Howard about Andrea Miss Howard Stern who got implants and is now a DD cup. She also had her lips done and they're huge as well. Howard wondered why she's having all of that done because she doesn't even strip or anything. Zolar said she might have some kind of disease where she has to get surgery done. Howard said it seems like Zolar is kind of in charge of Miss Howard Stern these days. Sal said that's kind of scary.
One phone caller told Howard that Sal was gay for saying ''blemishes'' instead of ''zits'' like every other guy does. Howard took a call but Sal ended up cursing so Howard wanted him to leave the studio. Sal and Richard ended up arguing a little bit before they left though. Sal told Richard he should be wearing make up to cover up his face but Richard told him he's a man and he doesn't do that. Howard got the two of them to leave after that.
Howard had to take a break but he mentioned that Carol Alt and William Shatner would be in later in the show. He also said they have to end the show at 10 because he has to go for his root canal today. He said he was talking to his ex-wife about the root canal and she told him that it wasn't a big deal. His daughter told him just the opposite though. Ashley told him that her mother was crying and in a lot of pain through that whole thing. Howard wondered if the kid knew what she was talking about and tried to call Alison again but kept getting her voice mail. Artie said that kids are brutally honest and he knows a kid who says ''You're gross'' every time he sees him. The kid saw him in ''Dirty Work'' mooning someone so he thinks that's gross. Howard had to go to break after that.
Gary told Howard he saw a major innovation on Howard's web site. When you click on the March Madness pictures, you can go through to the next one really easy. Howard changed subjects and said that Beth is going to be coming home today after her photo shoot down in Florida. She was doing some nude shots but had her stuff covered up with patches. Robin wondered what she's doing because she's not getting paid to do them. Artie said that it's good publicity though. Gary said that they won't be able to see anything in the FHM pictures so it's not like she's actually going to be seen naked.
Howard talked about his night last night. He said he watched a preview of Sunday's ''The Contender'' which featured the guy who eventually killed himself. Howard said you get to know his little girl and they now have a fund set up for his little girl so he might actually donate to it. Howard said the guy seemed to be pretty disconnected from everything but he did love his little daughter. After watching that Howard had to go to sleep but he had to pleasure himself to get to sleep. He went to the On-Demand cable so he could rent some porn instead of just getting up to put in a DVD. He said he noticed that the porn rentals are now all $10.95 and it's really not worth it because he only needs about 3 seconds to get off. He rented something about ''teenage sluts.'' He couldn't remember the name of it though. That led to Howard talking about the On-Demand thing and how many things they have available to watch now. The guys brought Howard a list of the movies that were available back in August and Howard was able to find a name that may have been the one he watched last night. He thinks that it was ''Young Sluts.'' He went on to talk about what went on in the movie and how lame it was. He had to fast forward through it to try and find a chick that wasn't fat but they kept getting fatter and fatter and the guys in the movie were hotter than the chicks. He said they were really graphic scenes too. Artie said you never want to see that when the chicks aren't hot. Howard mentioned that he uses his tissues and
Gary said that he saw Senator Bill Bradley over at the new place and it was kind of cool to see him there. Artie said that he took a walk through there one time and he thinks their first goal should be to get all of the receptionists topless. Howard asked Gary what he needs to do about these plans. Gary told Howard that one of the first questions they asked was about what kind of studio Howard wants because they don't have to build the typical radio studio. They suggested having a round table or something like that. Howard thought about it and figured it might be best to keep things the way they are so he can look at Robin and not have to look at Fred or Artie unless he wants to. Howard talked about how Artie doesn't really look at him when he talks to him. Even when they go out to dinner Artie won't look at him when he's talking to him. He's got issues and admits to it. He said he's just not good around other people.
Gary and Artie were talking about this TV show where they profile a kid who has a gambling problem. The kid has a huge problem and owes a lot of money for his gambling. Howard played some audio from the show where the mother and son were arguing about the money problem and the kid ended up pushing his mother across the car and screamed at her like a 2 year old. The guy is almost 30 years old though. Gary said they got the guy into therapy but he only stayed in for 3 weeks and then left. Howard played another clip from the show where the guy freaks out as he's talking about the money he owes and freaks out on his mother again. Artie said he thinks that guy is beyond help at this point. Every time the guy was asked a question, he would scream his answers like a little kid. Gary said the guy owes about $200,000 and about $100,000 of it is to his parents. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard had Carol Alt come in so they could get off the subject of Viacom. Howard said that Carol looked better than ever. She only had a short time to talk to Howard about being in the play ''Pieces of Ass.'' She said it's a bunch of hot chicks in the play who have put together their own little ''pieces'' where they talk about being hot. Carol said she didn't write her own stuff, it was written for her. She said that she's going to talk about where the word Supermodel came from and she defends it. Fred has always said that she wasn't a Supermodel and he gives her a hard time every time she comes in. He asked her if she was still in show business and goofed on her about how she wanted to become a Canadian citizen. She said that was true because her boyfriend is from Canada. She told Fred there's no place far enough from him. Fred said that Carol was never a Supermodel and calling herself that is like Michael Jackson calling himself the King of Pop. Carol said that the Supermodel thing goes way back, before she was a model. They just didn't call them Supermodels back then. Fred asked if she was sleeping with someone on the show to actually get on. The delay was hit for some reason after that but it wasn't clear why. Howard told Fred that she did a great job in his movie but Fred told him that Betty Thomas did a great job at directing her and she didn't do anything. Fred told Howard that Carol has done 11 movies since ''Private Parts'' and no one has seen any of them.
Howard asked Fred what was up with his anger. He wondered if there was some sexual tension there. Fred said there may be some between Howard and Carol but not for him. Howard got back to this ''Pieces of Ass'' play. He asked Carol about that and what she talks about in the play. Carol joked that she talks about how she's not a supermodel, just for Fred. Howard was also talking to Carol about her boyfriend. He wrapped up the quick interview shortly after that. He gave Carol a plug for the play and said you can find out more at PiecesNewYork.com. Fred was wondering why Carol was in a play about Pieces of Ass when she's not a piece of ass. Howard thought he was nuts but Fred told Howard to check his glasses. Fred continued to take jabs at her and cracked a joke about her ass sagging and stuff like that. Dominic Barbara called in and said that Fred said more today than he's said in the past 9 years. He said that Fred only comes alive when Carol is on the show. Fred was goofing on Dominic's weight so Dominic said that he weighs less than he has in a long time. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said he saw Dominic the other day and he looked good. Carol had to get going so Howard let her go and went to commercial break.
Howard brought up this story about a kidnapping plot that was discovered about David Letterman's baby. Howard read the article and they say that Letterman is ''cursed'' because of the things that happen to him. There was a guy working at Letterman's Montana ranch who came up with the plot and the guy admitted to that and also admitted to overcharging Letterman for painting he did out at his ranch. Howard said he might have a case against the people who have charged him too much for work they've done at his apartment. The guy was going to kidnap Letterman's kid and the nanny and then hold them for ransom. Howard said he feels bad for Letterman because the world is so weird and creepy. Howard said people have told him he needs a second house but it would be too creepy for him. You have to get someone to take care of the house and stuff like that.
Artie talked about how nice it is out in the mid-West. He said you just breathe the air out there and you feel better. Howard said he drove across the country one time with 40 kids so he has been out that way. Artie said he loves Arizona when he goes out there and feels like calling a realtor each time he visits. Howard said he feels the same way but he feels weird when he's so far from home. Howard got back to the Letterman story and said he was more pissed about the guy overcharging him for painting. He and the guys were goofing around about that stuff. Artie wondered what the kidnapper's long term plan was because once you get the millions, what do you do? Howard and Artie were going through the thought process and tried to figure out what the guy was thinking. Kidnapping always goes wrong so there is no way to get through it. Howard said that Leno is upset because he doesn't have a kid and can't copy Letterman. He said that Leno will probably adopt a baby and set up a kidnapping plot. Howard's name was mentioned in the article about Letterman. Howard asked Dave about his kid when he was on a couple of months back so they mentioned some of that in the article.
Howard asked Fred if he wants to go. Fred said he's up for it. Artie wants to go but Robin said she may fly in for a few appearances. The weird thing will be that they're not on the air so he'll have to do it the day after they're off the air. Howard played the Howard Dean tape where he's yelling about all of the states he's going to. Howard said those are the places he will be going. Howard said he should have Howard Dean come with him because he seems like a party. Howard figures he'll start out with 3 busses and then add on as they cross the country. Howard said they're going to be very selective about who they let on the buses. Robin said that there will be people like Zolar, Captain Janks and Melrose Larry Green following them around as well.
A phone caller told Howard that it sounds like something that could become a book and he wants to be their official photographer. A woman called in and said that she'd like Howard to stay at her place when they tour. She said she has a hot tub and stuff like that so it's a party house. Howard said that they may have to stay there. She said that the house has 3 bedrooms and a loft so Howard was talking about bunking up with Artie. Howard said he'll be bringing his dog with him on the trip as well. Howard told the woman he's interested because her house might be in a good location for them. It's located about 20 minutes from Atlantic City. Howard asked her if she has cable, porn on demand, air conditioning, how many bathrooms (3), hot tub, and pool. She doesn't have a pool but they are on the water. She's not on the ocean though, she's on the bay. Howard said that he's really not joking about this stuff and he will be traveling the country. He said he's going to go ''Cowboying'' just like Robert Blake said he was going to do. Howard invited people to send in their info if they want them to stay at their house on this tour. Howard put the woman on hold so they could get her information. Everything is just in the planning stages right now though. Howard said this will happen the day after he's thrown off the air. He said that like he knows that he's going to be thrown off.
Howard is thinking if having Tim Robbins do a documentary about the whole thing because Tim called him, asking if he wanted to do a documentary. Former intern, Tara Bernie, called in and asked Howard if he wanted Access Hollywood to come along with them. She works for the show now and she claims that they beat Entertainment Tonight with ratings in New York and L.A. So they should be the ones going with him. Howard said that whoever supplies the hottest reporters will be allowed on the bus. He said he'll evaluate the ratings and figure out who he wants to come along with him.
Howard said they could hook up Jeff the Drunk's whole house and drag it along since it's a trailer. Howard said he really did pull out a map and plot out where he wants to go. He said that he will be taking the master bedroom of some of the homes he stays in. Dr. Sal Calabro called in and told Howard that he has a huge house with 9 bedrooms and 4 jacuzzi tubs that they could turn into a Playboy mansion. He said the place is on 10 acres so it's going to be huge. Howard put Dr. Calabro on hold so they could get his information. A guy claiming to be a cop called in and said that he'd like to be security on the tour. Robin said that it sounds like a nightmare to her but Howard said it'll be fun.
Howard said all of this came to him in a dream. Once the company throws him off the air he won't have anything to do so he wants to do the tour. His company isn't going to pay for a tour so he'll just do this stuff on his own. He wants to pick up hot chicks along the way and just make the motorcade a huge thing. He's thinking that they could have like 10,000 cars following him around. Robin said it'll be like the people who followed around the Grateful Dead. Howard said it should be better than that. Howard said he had to take another break so they could stay on schedule since he's got to get his root canal done. He took another call from a janitor who offered to clean the busses for free. Howard told Gary to put him on the list because they need someone to clean the toilets and the houses they stay in.
Ralph called in and said he was clearing his schedule as they were speaking. He's ready to go on the trip and he thinks it's going to be huge. Howard said it'll turn into a monster by the time they go through a couple of states. Artie said they have to stop in South Carolina and pick up some fireworks. Gary said it's like a moving Woodstock. Howard thinks he's going to take a full month to make this trip even if he has to stick out his whole contract. If that happens he'll just do it in December/January. Howard keeps saying that this is no joke and he's serious about the tour. Ralph said he had to run and plan his trip. Howard told the guys that they can't pack a lot of clothes, they have to pack light. He went to break a short time later.
Howard brought up something about Deforest Kelly from the Star Trek series. He said that Deforest told him a story about how his dog had died after running it's head into a sprinkler head. Shatner started to laugh and Deforest got pissed and didn't talk to Bill for almost 2 years. Howard played another one of the George Takei clips for Shatner and got him laughing his ass off. He continued to laugh for a short time after they played it. Howard moved on to talk about Shatner's CD ''Has Been'' and then played another one of the George Takei phony clips. Here are some of the clips they played that got Shatner laughing his ass off a couple of times:
Tom Chiusano came in and said that his wife thinks Bill's ''Boston Legal'' character, Denny Crane, is the greatest character on TV. Jason came in and told Howard that Shatner mispronounced Candace Bergan's name by calling her ''Candace Bergman.'' That led to Howard talking to Bill about the old tape they have where Bill pronounced ''sabotage'' by saying ''sab-a-taage.'' The recording engineer corrected him but Shatner said that he pronounces it that way and he wasn't going to change it.
Howard gave Bill a plug for the show ''Invasion Iowa'' which airs March 29th on Spike TV. Shatner told Howard and Robin about the show and how they fooled the people in the town into thinking that he was filming a movie but they were just goofing on them. Bill is also appearing in the movie ''Miss Congeniality 2'' which opens on March 24th. His album is also out now. Howard had to wrap up with Bill after that so he asked him what he was up to after the show. Bill said he has to go find the Italian restaurant he told him about. Howard said he told him about Il Molino so Bill is going to try it out. Gary came in and told Howard that Mr. Shatner has about 4 publicists with him and one of them complained that they hadn't mentioned ''Miss Congeniality 2'' yet but they had already talked about it. Howard wrapped up after that and went to commercial break after giving Bill plugs for all of his stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that he almost died after having a root canal operation. Howard didn't want to hear it even it if was true. The guy said he just wanted Howard to know and that he shouldn't go through with it. Howard said that he'd be hearing that voice in his head later in the day when he has his root canal done. After taking a break Gary came in and told Howard that it was actually Sal the Stockbroker who made the call. Howard called Sal a dick and told him to get out of the studio. Sal said that Jason put him up to it so it was his fault. Howard wondered why his employees are goofing on him like that. Sal wondered if Howard was glad he wasn't going to die. Howard kicked him out of the studio and said Sal was also behind the Letterman kidnapping plot and someone should come and pick him up for that. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 10:10am