For The Week Of 7/17/2000 to 7/21/2000

• Howard Returns From Vacation. 7/17/00. 6:05am
  Howard returned from his 2 week vacation this morning coughing up a storm. He said he was sick through most of the two weeks. He had bronchitis and a nasty cold but it didn't stop him from doing stuff. He said that his recent diet is what made him sick. He said he lost 22 pounds in a month and suffered because of that.

  Howard and the rest of the crew spent the morning discussing some of the stuff that happened during vacation. Howard said that the first Saturday he was off some homeless-looking guy came up to him while he was walking through Central Park. The guy started saying something about Howard being a ''wealthy man''. Then the homeless guy told Howard that he's a wealthy man because Walter Matthau died. The guy told Howard that he won the Death Pool. Howard was thrilled that he'd won. He reminded everyone how dumb Gary was for giving up Matthau last year for a measly $100. He played tape of that day to let everyone know. Howard is now $2500 richer for winning the pool. He said he wants to revamp the game and get new names so the game is off for now. If someone else dies in the pool then it's a wash.

  Doug Goodstein from E! had come in to talk about the money the E! guys owe Howard. Howard then brought up how he got a wedding invitation from Doug over vacation. He said the invitation was really bad. He said it looked like a sweet 16 invitation. Doug said that he and his fiancee created them and tried to make them unique. They didn't want to have that traditional look but Howard and the rest of the crew told him he should have kept it traditional. Doug said that he invited Howard, Robin, Gary and Jackie but Fred was left out. It turns out that Fred told Doug that if he was going to invite him it was a waste of time because he wasn't going. He said he'd give Doug a gift but he won't go to the wedding. Doug was kind of insulted by that but Fred thought that was the best way to let him know. Doug said he had to leave a lot of people out like Benjy, Scott the engineer, KC and many others. He did, however, invite Hank the Dwarf. Doug said that Hank is thrilled that he got the invite. When Robin heard that she said she might have to go just to see Hank there. Doug said that Hank will be handing out Yarmulkes at the wedding. He figures that as long as he has a dwarf at the wedding he might as well utilize him.

  Ralph was one of the people left off the guest list. He was at the studio to do some stuff with answering machine messages Howard has left for him over the years. He was a little upset that Doug didn't invite him. Ralph recently told Doug that he shouldn't get married. Doug played the tape for his fiancee so she didn't want Ralph at the wedding.

  Howard said that he spent some time on Stuttering John's boat one day during vacation. He said the boat is a disaster but he had fun. He brought one of his daughters with him and they went out for a ride. Howard said there's a hole in the bottom of the boat and there's some ripped vinyl but it was still fun. John said he lost a floor board during a recent storm. He's also missing half of his windshield for some reason. Jackie said he's also got wires hanging down from his ignition. Sounds nice!

  Gary shared stories from his trip to Sesame Place during vacation. He brought his kids and wife to the park and saw some funny stuff. He said there were big fat people in bathing suits getting stuck in water rides and stuff like that. He also told a quick story about some big fat black woman telling her kids that even thought she dressed them up and took them out that they were still just ''ghetto'' kids. Gary also let everyone know that he hasn't had sex this month. He said that his anniversary was this month and he didn't even get any then. That led to a discussion about marriage and how Howard tried to tell Gary that this was going to happen. He tried to tell Doug Goodstein the same thing but no one listens to him.

  Howard spent some time with John Stamos and his wife Rebecca Romijn-Stamos during vacation. He went to see the new ''X-Men'' movie with the two of them. He told Robin that it was probably one of the best movies he's ever seen. It wasn't a goofy comic-book movie. He said that it was taken seriously and the movie looked great. Ralph went along and ended up sitting between Howard and Rebecca so Howard was a little upset that he wasn't able to sit next to her. John Stamos told Howard that Ralph told him that he had to sit next to Howard in case he wanted to discuss the movie. Ralph said he never said that and that John has said a few strange things lately that don't add up.

  Stuttering John said that he got to see Fred's summer house during vacation. Fred threw a party and invited some people at the last minute. Howard wasn't able to go but he would have if he'd had more notice. John went and said that the place was really nice. Fred's got a nice built-in pool and a lot of antiques in the house. It's nicer than Jackie's 6 shacks and Howard wondered how Fred managed to pay for it. He said that Jackie will probably be asking for a raise after he hears how Fred is living.

• Big Black Calls In. 7/17/00. 8:10am
  Big Black called in with some tapes to play for Howard. He had Imus talking about dying on the Larry King show. He also had tape of Craig Kilborn talking to Carmen Electra about Howard. Howard first brought up how he ended up hanging out with Carmen while he was out in Malibu, California during vacation. Howard spent a little while talking about hanging out on the beach in Malibu with his buddy Richie Notar. He said that out there you just go up to other celebrities and just hang out in their homes on the beach. Howard hung out with some hot looking movie producer and an actress he'd seen in some movie. Howard also said that he invited Carmen Electra and her friends to hang out with him in Malibu. He was at some party on the fourth of July and that's where Craig Kilborn ran into him. Howard also saw Mark Wahlberg there. Wahlberg was complaining that Howard wouldn't let him on the show recently. Howard said he ended up leaving the party because of that. Howard went on to talk about how hot Carmen Electra is. He said that she was dressed in a little pink dress and pink shoes with pink nail polish. He said she's ''hot 24\7''. He said that Craig Kilborn kept hounding him to do a walk-on that night on his show. Howard told Kilborn that he didn't want to work during his vacation but Kilborn kept asking him.

  Howard had Big Black play the tape of Kilborn talking to Carmen shortly after that party. Kilborn just asked Carmen if there was a relationship or if it was just a friendly thing. Carmen made sure to point out that they were just walking down the beach and they're just friends. Kilborn also said that Howard was a nice guy when he met him.

  Howard said that the whole scene out in California is really strange because you need to have a hot chick with you to get any attention out there. He said he spent some time with Rick Rubin and Gina Gershon while he was out there. He said that he spent the whole night talking to Gina and doesn't remember a thing that Rick said. He said that she was wearing a really tight T-shirt and jeans. He said it had some writing on it and he read it. He said it should have just said ''F-Me!'' on it.

  Earlier in the show Howard said that he'd watched Imus on Larry King's show during vacation. Imus was talking to Larry about how he almost died recently and stuff like that. Big Black had tape of that so he played that for Howard. Howard spent the next half hour goofing on Imus and how bad he looked on the show. He also told some stories about what a scum bag Imus was back when he used to work with him at WNBC. Al Rosenberg called in to share some stories about Imus but Howard ended up hitting the delay on him because he wanted to keep him out of trouble with Imus' lawyers.

• Various Phone Calls. 7/17/00. 8:55am
  Howard took a phone call from this angry listener who was pissed that Howard took two weeks of vacation. The caller said that he needs Howard to be on the air 5 days a week with new shows because he works 7 days a week. He told Howard that he has an obligation to his listeners to give them new stuff all the time and not take these 2 week long vacations. He was also under the impression that Howard is taking more and more vacation each year. Robin pointed out that they take 2 weeks every summer and it's nothing new. Howard also said that they haven't been taking more vacation than usual either. The guy just didn't understand why Howard has to take that much vacation. Howard eventually got fed up with trying to explain it to the guy so he hung up on him.

  Another caller who claimed to be the guy who's going to be running the OJ Simpson webcast called in to tell Howard about that. He said that his web site will charge people $9.95 to let people ask OJ questions for 2 hours. Howard told the guy that it's a waste of time because everyone knows what OJ will say if he's asked about the murders. Howard told the guy that the site will probably crash anyway so it's a waste. Howard wants to have a pay-per-view event where he gives OJ a lie detector test about the murders. Howard got tired of trying to talk to this guy also so he hung up on him.

• Ralph's Answering Machine Messages From Howard. 7/17/00. 9:25am
  Over the years Howard's buddy Ralph has saved answering machine messages that Howard has left on his machine. Today Ralph brought in the tapes so Howard could play them for us. Almost every call starts off with Howard calling Ralph ''Douche bag'' over and over again. Howard said that's become Ralph's name. He played about a dozen calls where he just keeps repeating ''douche bag, douche bag'' over and over again trying to get Ralph's attention. One of the calls was Howard pretending to be some guy from a clothing distributor telling Ralph he needs to pick up his stuff. Ralph said that he could recognize Howard's voice easily though. Some of the calls were funny because Howard just says really dumb, goofy stuff on the machine.

  After playing the calls Howard took some calls from listeners. A couple of listeners think that Howard might be gay. He calls Ralph, I mean Douche Bag, and does all of this weird stuff. Some people think that Ralph is gay for keeping the calls over the past couple of years. Howard said he's like a chick who saves messages from a guy she likes. Ralph said he just kept them because he thought it would be funny to play them on the air. One caller said that Ralph probably plays the calls for women he brings back to his place to impress them. He just laughed when he heard that.

  Howard said that he and Ralph ended up in bed together over the vacation. Ralph was staying in his daughter's spare bedroom at his apartment and was watching a movie. Howard went in and started watching the movie and sat on the bed with Ralph. He soon realized that he was in bed with Ralph and had to get out. Howard said his daughter heard that Ralph stayed there and suggested that they burn the sheets from the bed. Howard said that his kids know what Ralph is like.

  Howard was also saying that John Stamos and his wife are kind of consumed with Ralph and whether or not he's gay. Howard said Stamos kept asking him if Ralph is gay or not. Rebecca thinks that Ralph might be bi-sexual. Ralph maintains that he's not gay.

• Robin's Near Death Experience. 7/17/00. 10:05am
  While Howard and the crew were discussing whether or not to continue the Death Pool Robin revealed that she almost died during vacation! She said that she was in her pool at home by herself and fell off of the raft she was floating on. She was in the deep end and doesn't know how to swim so she almost drowned! She told Howard that she was able to doggie paddle under water while holding her breath and managed to get to the ladder. Howard suggested that she think about taking swimming lessons but Robin, who's almost 50, doesn't think she needs to waste her time with that nonsense. If she had drowned over vacation Jackie could have taken home the Death Pool winnings... as long as she died before Walter Matthau.

• ''X-Men'' Executive Producer Tom DeSanto Drops In. 7/17/00. 10:20am
  31 year old Tom DeSanto, Executive Producer of the new ''X-Men'' movie, came in to visit for a couple of minutes this morning. Howard had gone to see the movie during his vacation and Tom was one of the guys he went with. He came in to drop off some t-shirts for the crew. Howard started asking Tom how much money he's going to make off of this movie. Tom said that since it's his first movie he won't be making much. He told Howard he got $45,000 for the treatment he wrote and that's about all he's going to make unless the movie grosses more than $150 million. Then he stands to make another $67,000. Howard was getting depressed hearing how little this guy is going to make for writing such a great movie. Tom said that he's planning on making the big money on the sequels if there are any. Tom just wanted to tell Howard that he was glad he enjoyed the movie as much as he did. He was only in for about 10 minutes or so.

• Various Stuff. 7/18/00. 6:05am
  Howard killed a couple of minutes talking about getting his hair cut yesterday. He went to some hair stylist by the name of John Sahog who just trimmed it a little bit. He said it's still a little too wide so he may have to get it cut again today.

  Howard also mentioned that his oldest daughter Emily is in some kind of college program and she e-mailed him to tell him that she'd just done her first load of laundry. She said it wasn't as much of a disaster as she thought it would be. Howard and Robin know that it's just a matter of time before she gets tired of doing that chore.

  Robin said that she was out to eat with Ralph yesterday and she saw Jim ''Gomer Pyle'' Nabors at the restaurant eating alone. She said she said hello to him but didn't spend a lot of time talking to him.

  Howard played tape of Halle Berry getting pissed off at a joke Howie Mandel made about her on the Regis and Kathie Lee show recently. Howie joked about her hit-and-run accident by saying that she bumped in to him in the hall earlier in the show and just kept walking. When Halle came out she complained about Howie dissing her to her face. Howie pussied out and apologized to her immediately. Meanwhile Kathie Lee was on Halle's side and made Howie look like even more of a pussy. Howard said that Howie should have just kept talking about the hit-and-run to point out how wrong she was in that case.

  Jackie is going to be in a new movie in the near future. The movie is called ''Pot Luck'' and it's being produced by the pot magazine ''High Times''. Stuttering John said that Jackie has a few lines as a bartender in the film and he'd done a couple of his lines at his party on the Fourth of July. Howard tried to get him to do the lines today but he was very mellow and didn't really get into his part like Howard wanted him to.

• Dr. Loren Ritter AKA Dr. Doody. 7/18/00. 7:20am
  Back in 1998 Howard spoke to Dr. Loren Ritter about his colon cleanser. You may remember him talking about how people have ''5 foot long bowel movements'' after taking his product. Dr. Doody called in again this morning to promote his ''Healthy Colon Body Cleanse'' once again. He told Howard about how over the years people get a build up of pesticides and preservatives in their intestines and his body cleanser will help remove it. By the way, Dr. Doody is not a medical doctor, he's a Naturepathic Doctor. After speaking to Dr. Ritter for a minute Howard remembered why he liked him so much. He's very passionate about his doody talks. He really wants to help people clear their bowels.

  Crazy Cabbie called in for some advice about some problems he has with his bowel movements. He said that he has blood in his movements sometimes and wonders if that is a problem. Dr. Ritter said that he would like to get him on his product before Cabbie becomes one of the 272,000 cases of colon cancer. Cabbie also complained about having ''green Doody'' sometimes. Dr. Ritter, once again, said that he'd like to get him on the colon cleanser.

  KC also has problems with the green crap. Howard figures that's just because he's too stupid to doot in the right color.

  Just about everyone came in with a question about their doody. Gary and Stuttering John both had dopey questions. Dr. Doody spoke quite a bit about the ''5 foot long'' doodies and how you can have one also. He wants everyone on the show to try this stuff so that might happen in the near future. Howard says he's afraid to try it. If you want to try it just call 800-218-0820. I believe he gave out a web site address but it was kind of unclear due to delay button hits. I think the site was at HealthFairy.com

• William Shatner Comes In. 7/18/00. 8:05am
  Actor/Writer/Singer William Shatner came in this morning to promote his new book ''Star Trek Preserver''. Fred was playing tape of the infamous recording where Shatner was being directed on how to say ''Sabotage'' where he tells the director not to tell him how to say it because it's ''disgusting''. Shatner got a kick out of hearing it as he came in the studio. He explained to Howard that it wasn't that he insists on saying ''sabataage'' instead of ''sabotage''. He was upset that he was being told how to say something in a situation where it just shouldn't have happened.

  Howard asked Shatner if he's a Jew for some reason. Shatner confirmed it and said that it was tough growing up in Canada as a Jewish kid. He said he was beaten quite often and it was tough growing up. Robin asked him if it was his being Jewish or perhaps his personality that was the problem. He thought that perhaps she was on to something. The cast of ''Star Trek'' all wanted to beat him so maybe it was his personality.

  One of the new interns at the Stern show, Josh, is a big (literally) fan of Shatner's. Howard brought Josh in to meet the Captain. Josh was wearing a t-shirt that said ''Shatner is God'' on it. Josh stands 6'7'' tall and weighs about 270 pounds. He told Gary that he's just shy of being a ''Trekkie'' but the way he was dressed would have you believe that he's a full on ''Trekkie''. He even says that he lives by the ''prime directive'' that's part of the ''Star Trek'' show. He says he believes in leaving everything as it is. Howard asked him which episode was his favorite of the ''Star Trek'' series. He thought it was a little stereotypical to say it but his favorite is the Tribble episode.

  Josh also has a theory that every guy has a gay experience at some point in his life. He kept saying that he wasn't necessarily talking about himself but other guys. Howard asked him if he's ever thought of William Shatner while pleasuring himself. Josh says he's never done that. Benjy came in at one point and expanded on the gay theory a little bit saying that he's had conversations with Josh about gay experiences but he hasn't come right out and said anything. He mentioned something about even if he had a gay experience with his best friend it doesn't mean he's gay.

  Once Howard was done with Josh he took a couple of phone calls and let some people kiss Shatner's ass. He also spoke to Shatner about a book signing he's doing today. Shatner says he is ''half frightened'' by the signings and the people who show up to them. He says that he doesn't like doing the signings but at the same time he wants a lot of people to show up at them.

  Howard read that Shatner has a new love interest, a Hollywood Guru. Shatner says he was photographed with this woman but he isn't involved with her. Howard asked Shatner if he's ever had a woman who calls him ''Captain'' in bed. Shatner was able to stop the sex questions by bringing up Howard's separation.

  Howard spent a few minutes talking to Shatner about his new book and the book signing he's doing today at Barnes & Noble on 48th and 5th from 12:30 to 1:30 this afternoon. Shatner says he'll only be there for one hour. Howard asked him if he'd stay longer if a lot of people showed up. Shatner said ''no''. Get there early if you want his autograph.

• Stacey Rucker's New Song. 7/18/00. 8:50am
  A few years back this woman Stacey Rucker came in and performed a song she'd created about Howard called ''I Want More Howard Stern''. The song sucked but has become a favorite of Robin's over the past couple of years. Stacey recently wrote a new song about Howard so he played some of it this morning. It had a different sound but, once again, it was pretty bad. Robin noticed that when Stacey says Howard's last name she says it kind of funny. She pronounces it ''Stuern'' and it makes the song kind of funny. Howard said that she's actually written a whole album of tribute songs to him.

• The Singing Psychic Comes In. 7/18/00. 9:00am
  The Singing Psychic, Fran Baskerville, has been on the phone with Howard many times in the past. Today she was in the studio live to talk with Howard for a few minutes. She actually predicted Howard's divorce (legal separation) a while back. She also claims that she has helped find over 9000 missing people over the years. She told Howard she has visions when she is singing or sometimes even while she is driving. She said that when she was on the David Letterman show back in 1986 she had a vision of Letterman and his girlfriend in bed but was too shy to say anything to him at the time.

  For some reason Howard asked Fran if she has always been a woman. Of course she has been.

  Chaunce Hayden of ''Steppin' Out'' magazine called in and told Howard that Fran is the real thing. He said that she predicted that he was going to get a speeding ticket the same night she was on his show and it came true. He also said that she's a very busy woman doing a lot of radio and TV shows. She'll do just about any show that calls her. She's going to be on ''The Daily Show'' this week on Comedy Central.

  She made a couple of predictions on the show today. She sang her little songs and predicts that Howard will interview a space alien and life will be found on Mars. She also made some predictions about Hillary Clinton's alleged gay lover coming out. Howard said that she really shouldn't make such predictions because she might get sued. She also predicted that Jackie's Jokeland will become even bigger than it is and his new album will be better than ever. Now we know she's crazy! KC asked Fran if she could predict whether or not Howard would make a 5 foot long doody. Fran said she wasn't sure about that one. She did predict that Robin will marry someone sweet and someone she can control. You can reach the Singing Psychic at (972) 380-0989 or visit SingingPsychic.com

• Various Stuff. 7/19/00. 6:05am
  Howard said that during their meeting yesterday they were talking about Dr. Doody and the 5 foot long doodies that apparently come out of you after taking his stuff. He said they wanted to see how big 5 feet was so they had Kathy Tobin, who's 5'3'' tall, stand up to see how big the doody would be.

  Jackie said that there were quite a few people asking him about how old the Singing Psychic is after hearing her on the show yesterday. Some people think she's like 22 but she doesn't look that young.

  Howard played a mystery record for Robin this morning. The song was a Prince song on a Prince tribute album. Howard played some of it and Robin tried to figure it out. Howard finally had to tell her that it was Rebecca Romijn-Stamos singing the song. And she was singing it quite well. Robin was surprised how good she sounded. She can actually sing and she looks great too.

  Jackie shot his scenes for the movie ''Pot Luck'' yesterday and said it went pretty well. He did one scene where he gets a beer poured on him in one take. He was very proud of that fact but Robin said they probably do one take for every scene in that movie because it probably doesn't have much of a budget. Howard asked Jackie what other stars are in the movie and he drew a blank. He finally came up with the name David Peel. He also said that the producers are trying to get Tommy Chong and Cheech Marin to appear in it. They've already started shooting it though.

• Hamlet Wants To Live In A Bathroom For A Week. 7/19/00. 7:00am
  This guy Hamlet from Howard's station KLSX out in Los Angeles contacted the show and said that he wants to live in the bathroom at Howard's station for a week. He would have no TV or any other contact with the real world other than people going to the bathroom. Howard got him on the phone and spent a couple of minutes finding out why he would do this. He originally wanted to do it for a month and $25,000. Now it was down to one week and less money. Howard offered him $1000 to do it and the guy hesitated because it wasn't really enough. Over the next couple of minutes Hamlet kept hesitating so Howard kept lowering the payoff. He got down to $400 and told Hamlet that was the final offer. After a couple of minutes he agreed to it! He didn't really want to do it that cheap but that's all Howard is willing to give him now. Hamlet has 2 kids, a second mortgage and a woman who's almost his wife and he's only 24 years old. Howard figures that's why he wants out of his house for a week. They're going to put a camera in the bathroom to watch Hamlet so we'll be able to see it on TV.

• Update: Who Wants To Marry A Porn Star. 7/19/00. 7:10am
  A few weeks ago porn star Madelyn Night came in to marry a listener. They had a contest and the winner was this guy Walter. They had the ceremony on the air and the two of them had to go to City Hall to finalize the marriage. This morning Madelyn came in and Howard had some bad news. The two of them have put off signing the papers! Walter found out that the city gives couples 60 days to sign the papers so he decided to put it off to get to know Madelyn better. This pissed off Howard because the guy agreed to get married to her that day. Howard got him on the phone and asked him what was going on. For the next few minutes Walter argued with Howard and Gary about the whole thing. They called Walter a liar for coming on the show and wasting their time. Walter got very defensive and yelled at them for no good reason. He said that the City gives him 60 days to decide and he's going to use that time to get to know Madelyn. After yelling and screaming for a few minutes Walter finally calmed down and admitted that he'd wasted their time. He apologized and said that he still ''blames the city'' for the whole thing because of the 60 day thing.

  Howard decided that Walter is now out of it and they have to play a whole new game with Madelyn. Howard is thinking of going to Las Vegas to play the game so that the winner and Madelyn will be able to get married immediately. That might be happening in the near future.

  Doug Goodstein from E! came in and said that the two of them decided to put off the wedding the Friday that Howard was going on vacation. He was shooting them at this restaurant and the put it off for a short time. Then they were going to get married yesterday but Doug didn't have enough notice to get a camera there so it was put off again. After this morning though, it's off all together. The ''Who Wants to Marry a Porn Star'' show airs on E! tonight but it doesn't have a happy ending. You can find out more about Madelyn Night at MadelynNight.com

• Talent Man Contest 3 - Mudman vs Teddy. 7/19/00. 8:10am
  Those of you who follow the show will remember Johnny ''Mud'' Mudman who thinks that he's the world's most talented man. He was on in February and April to challenge different people. Today he had a challenger by the name of Teddy from 2000Butts.com. Teddy has seen Johnny on the show and thought that he could beat him at his own game. Teddy, a male dancer, wrote a letter to the show and said that he would ''destroy and humiliate'' the ''fat pork chop'' Johnny Mudman. Howard quickly had them do a couple of things to see who was better. Teddy played guitar and did a pretty good impression of Eddie Van Halen. He said he was in a Van Halen tribute band called Diver Down. Mudman played some lame song and bored us for 30 seconds. The two of them also sang a little bit but neither of them were very good. Howard had them do accents also. Mudman did his awful German accent while Teddy did a slightly better Australian accent. Ted took off his shirt and challenged Mudman to do the same. Mudman, who's not in shape, refused to take the challenge.

  Gary came in at one point and asked Mudman who has told him that he is versatile because it doesn't show. Mudman got very loud and said that he's not great at any one thing, he's very versatile at many things. But he's not known by anyone and he's not famous. He says that he was hired by some Improv group and claims that he was cheered on for an encore at a show they did on Friday night. Is anyone buying this? Even Teddy was pointing out that he hasn't shown any real talent. He said that there are a lot of other people out there who have a lot of talent in many things. Gary said it best when he said that Mudman is a ''Jack of all trades, master of none of them.'' Mudman said that he's very good at Golf and can shoot par on a course. He won the ''Home Depot Golf Regionals'' somewhere!

  Mudman was telling Gary how he did all of these great things when he was in school but the guy is now 38 years old. Gary said that he was good at a lot of stuff in school also but it ain't happening now. Howard was getting tired of all of this so he wanted to move on. KC wanted Mudman to do some of his stand-up routine though. He started to do a joke but gave up after 5 seconds. He then went into one of his improv scenes where he's a black prostitute breaking up with her pimp. Gary said it was funny but for all the wrong reasons. It was funny because it was so bad. Howard said that Teddy probably won this challenge but not by much. Ted just wanted to promote his 2000Butts.com web site anyway.

• Rebecca & Nicole Evaluated By B Real, Colt 40 Feinberg And Mr. Skin. 7/19/00. 8:50am
  Howard crammed a lot of stuff into a short time this morning. He had B Real from Cypress Hill, Colt 40 Feinberg and Mr. Skin in at the same time to evaluate 2 women for Playboy. He spent time talking to B Real about a bunch of stuff first. B Real was in to promote Cypress Hill's new album ''Skull & Bones''. Howard asked B about the time he was dating Carmen Electra. He dated her for 4 years and shortly after they broke up she went with Dennis Rodman. B said that he was upset when that first happened but he got over it pretty quick. He did say that he got together with Dennis' ex-girlfriend shortly after Dennis started dating Carmen though. He said they're just friends though.

  Howard also read that B Real is a Priest in the Santeria religion. B confirmed it and said that he has even sacrificed animals to ''cure'' people of their problems. He said he's killed chickens and even goats. He told Howard that to kill a goat you stick a knife in it's throat and hack it then cut it's head off. He claims that he's even seen spirits enter people. Howard also asked him about his pot smoking. B said that he's cut down from about 1/4 ounce a day to about 1/8th ounce a week.

  Colt 40 Feinberg is making his final appearance on the show today. He's doing a farewell show at Baby Jupiter in New York City on August 12. He says he's going to quit while he's on top. For those of you who don't know Colt, he's a white guy who wears a huge afro and does his comedy act doing a voice that sounds very much like Chris Rock. He told some pretty funny jokes this morning before Howard moved on to speak to Mr. Skin.

  Mr. Skin is this guy who has a web site that lists all of the great nude scenes in movies. Howard and B Real asked Mr. Skin about a bunch of hot women and Mr. Skin was able to tell them what movie's they did nude scenes in. He said that Carmen Electra was in a great nude scene in the movie ''Mating Habits of Earthbound Humans''. He also said that Ginger from ''Gilligan's Island'' did a semi-nude scene in a movie called 'Mean Dog Blues'' back in the late 70's that's worth checking out if you were a fan of hers. He also said that Angie Everhart does some great nude and sex scenes in ''Another 9 ½ Weeks'' with Mickey Rourke.

  Howard eventually got around to evaluating the first woman, 26 year old Rebecca. As soon as she came in Howard said she had a great face. She was wearing a bikini and claimed that she was unable to find a thong bikini in the town she's from. She stripped off her top to show everyone her fake D-cup breasts. B Real said that she needs to tighten up her body and she'd be Playboy material. Mr. Skin agreed and said that her face is beautiful. Colt 40 Feinberg said that her breasts were too big and she had stretch marks from them being too big. He also said that there were a lot of blue veins and that they looked like a ''topographical map of the Great Lakes region.'' Howard also agreed that the breasts were too fake looking. He also said that her thighs need some work but other than that she looks like she'd be Playboy material.

  The second woman to be evaluated was 22 year old Nicole. She was only 5'2'' tall so she was already at a disadvantage. Howard immediately said that he liked her though. Colt said that he'd eat the peanuts and corn out of her doody. She showed off her breasts which she said were real. Everyone agreed that her breasts were too small for Playboy but she might be good for Hustler. Howard told her she needs to thin her waistline somehow and she might be Hustler material. Colt said that her nose looked like it had some work done on it but Howard thought he was nuts. Nicole said that she has a web site called NakedNicole.com.

  After the evaluations Howard spent more time talking mostly to Mr. Skin. Everyone had questions about their favorite celebrities. Alyssa Milano, Ali Landry, Mimi Rogers, Sandra Bullock, Teri Hatcher, Kathy Bates and many other names were brought up. Most of them have some kind of nude scenes. You can find out more at MrSkin.com. You can find out more about Colt 40 Feinberg at DigMyAfro.com or RazorMagazine.com.

• Various Stuff. 7/20/00. 6:05am
  Howard said that he spent last night catching up on 3 weeks worth of ''Survivor'' shows that he's missed. He told Robin that he doesn't think he cares about who wins the thing anymore. He may have overdosed on the show after watching almost 4 hours worth of it.

  John the Stutterer (not Stuttering John) came in this morning to be hypnotized by this amateur hypnotist by the name of Trudy Beers. Trudy thinks that she can cure John of his stutter. John let us know that his stutter started on his first day of 1st grade when he had to speak in front of class. Trudy thinks that because it was a trauma that caused his stutter that she'll be able to cure him. She told Howard that she's been studying hypnotism and will give it her best try. Howard checked in with them throughout the show and Trudy was reading from a notebook about what to do with John. He was lying on a bed with his eyes closed. The second time Howard checked in he predicted that there was no way she'd cure John.

  Howard took a couple of phone calls this morning and this one nut by the name of Erna kept calling in and rambling about how this newspaper sends her messages and stuff. Howard let her ramble for a minute or so but would hang up on her after a short time. She called back about 3 times and kept demanding that Howard give her $60,000 for a new house. Howard offered to let her play a game for $2000 but she refused saying that it wasn't enough.

• Todd the Sexual Deviant Calls In. 7/20/00. 7:15am
  This guy Todd who works in a nursing home called in to talk about how he pleasures himself in front of these comatose old people. Todd told Howard that the first time this happened was when he was changing an old guy's diaper. He claims he's not gay but he wants to ''share his sexuality'' with these old people who are no longer able to enjoy it. He said that he pleasured himself into the old guy's diaper. He said that he's seen a few comatose people get erections so he figures they can still sense the sexuality. Howard took a few phone calls and let some listeners yell at the guy about how messed up that is. Todd said that he's like to encourage others to do the same thing though. He didn't listen to the angry listeners and will continue to do this bizarre stuff.

• Stuttering John To Appear In A New Movie. 7/20/00. 7:35am
  A caller complained about Howard becoming a ''sell out'' because everyone on the show is trying to be a star. Gary came in and said that John was out in Los Angeles shooting his scenes in a new movie called ''Dude, Where's My Car''. John came in and said that he just flew home last night and his 5 hemorrhoids are bothering him. He said he's got 5 lumps hanging out of his ass. Gary said that people have told him that they can be pushed back in but John said he's been unable to do that. After that disturbing discussion Howard and the gang were talking about flying and which airlines are good and bad. Howard told a story about how his flight was delayed after his plane hit a piece of wood on the runway. Gary told him how there was a near miss at Newark airport last night. Howard also had a story about a flight he took recently where these two guys had a screaming, crying baby with them. Howard had taken Tylenol PM to knock himself out for the flight and this baby woke him up. He said the grandfather actually walked the kid up and down the aisle to try to quiet the baby down but all it did was wake him up. Howard said he ended up saying ''You son of a bitch..'' and ''You suck'' because of it. He said the old guy just walked away. Howard said that he wanted to throw that kid out a window. He said that they were lucky he wasn't armed at the time.

  Stuttering JOhn also hung out with Matt Damon at The Whisky while he was out there but there wasn't much of a story there. He told Howard that Matt was a big fan and he was really cool to hang out with. John doesn't tell stories too well so it was kind of boring. He didn't get into to many details about the movie either. He just said that he plays a homeless-type of guy named Gene.

• M. Night Shyamalan Calls In. 7/20/00. 8:15am
  Director M. Night Shyamalan called in to promote a new movie he's got coming out this November. Night wrote and directed ''The Sixth Sense''. Howard asked what the M stands for in his name and what people actually call him. M said that the M stands for Minoge and most people call him either Night or Mr. Shyamalan. Howard wanted to know what he made off of ''The Sixth Sense''. Night said he got paid an initial $3 million but the movie studio gave him more money after it grossed $670 million! He wouldn't give Howard the exact figure or even a range. He kept that secret. Howard heard that he got paid $10 million for this new movie he's got coming out.

  He's already promoting his new movie to get the word out really early. He explained to Howard that ''Unbreakable'' is about a guy who lives through a train wreck while everyone else on the train dies. He said the guy tries to figure out why he lived and how he deals with it.

  Howard also asked Night about his wife and whether or not she wears a dot on her head since she's Indian. He said she doesn't usually wear one but does for special occasions. Night said that his family is pretty Americanized. He said he even eats hamburgers.

  Howard heard that Night has been hanging out with Steven Spielberg and lately but Night was keeping most of that under wraps also. Howard wanted to know where they meet to talk but Night wasn't giving details. He did, however, say that he may write the new Indiana Jones movie sometime in the future. Howard tried over and over to get him to talk about his meetings with Spielberg but Night just kept his mouth shut trying not to jeopardize his relationship with the powerful director. Howard even went in to his Spielberg impression for a minute but Night sounded like he wanted to crawl under a rock during that part.

  Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Night and a few people had questions about ''The Sixth Sense''. Big Black wanted to know when the kid knew that the Bruce Willis character was actually dead. Howard and Robin both said he knew from the beginning and that Big Black's question was dumb. Howard suggested that Night write a movie about Big Black and call it ''No Sense''. Another caller wanted to know why the kid's breath didn't appear when he was talking to Bruce's character but did with others. Night explained that the kid only saw his breath from the cold when the ghosts were angry. Howard told Night that he should come in sometime and bring his wife with him. Night said he'll probably skip that part but will come to the studio sometime.

• Who Wants To Shag A Millionaire. 7/20/00. 8:45am
  This guy Forest Williams came in this morning to talk about his big ''Who Wants to Shag a Millionaire'' web porn event that's happening this Saturday. He brought in 3 women who will be competing in a gang bang event on his web site Shag4aMillion.com. The women will try to beat Houston's record of 620 and whoever does it will win a million bucks.

  Howard quickly interviewed the three women. The first woman was Hot Chocolate, a young, thin, black woman. She said that the most men she's had at one time was 2. She said she's ready to go for it with around 700 for the gang bang though. Forest told Howard that he really does have a million bucks for the winner but they will be paid over a number of years.

  The second woman was Libra, a 37 year old woman who looked every bit of her 37 years according to Howard. She's never done a gang bang but she's also ready to take them on.

  The final woman was Muffin. Howard asked her if she has always been a woman. She, in a very masculine voice, said that she has been a woman all her life. KC yelled out ''No way Bro!'' when she said she has been a woman. Howard kept asking her questions and kept wondering if she was ever a man. She maintained that she was and is still a woman.

  Forest said they're still looking for more guys to perform in this thing so you can visit the web site Shag4aMillion.com for more info. The event is scheduled to take place from noon to midnight Pacific time on Saturday, July 22. It'll cost you $.99 a minute or $99 for the full event if you're interested.

• John The Stutterer.. Still Stuttering. 7/20/00. 9:15am
  All morning John the stutterer and hypnotist Trudy Beers were trying to get rid of his stutter. Howard had them come in near the end of the show to hear the progress. She worked on him from 6:15 until 9:15 and it sounded like she'd done something. John came in and was very mellow. He started to speak a little bit and the stutter wasn't as bad as usual. But as time went by his full stutter came back. He was right back to his major, body shaking stutter within minutes. Trudy said that while they were alone his stutter was gone. She said that he may need more therapy to cure him fully. She said that she's given him her card and he may contact her.

  Someone brought in audio tape of the session and John wasn't stuttering but it may have been because he was just repeating stuff she was telling him to say. Howard tried that with him and he got the same results. He doesn't stutter when he repeats but when he talks on his own he's flailing, shaking and woo wooing all over the place.

  John said that all of this ''therapy'' has brought out all of his low self-esteem problems. Trudy tried to get him to release all of his bad feelings in the session but it didn't work. Now John was saying that the only real cure for his stutter is suicide. He said he tried it one time but was unsuccessful. Howard said ''Yeah, he tried to cut his wrists with an electric razor.''

• Various Stuff. 7/21/00. 6:05am
  Howard started off the show talking about watching the CBS show ''Big Brother'' for the first time. He said that last night's show was actually good. He said that the guy that was kicked off the show last night, Will, was the most interesting guy on it. Howard later found out that Will is scheduled to come on his show on Monday. He and Gary also talked about this one girl on the show who has been ''cuddling'' with a couple of the guys on the show. This led to a discussion about how lame that is for the guys. Gary and Howard shared stories about times they ''cuddled'' with women and nothing happened while they were in bed. Gary said he had to go to the bathroom and relieve himself when the chick he was literally sleeping with wouldn't do anything sexual with him. Howard said he hates when women do that and wouldn't ''cuddle'' with a woman.

  A listener called in claiming to be at a party in California with Carmen Electra. He said that he had asked Carmen a couple of questions including one about whether or not she'd date Howard. The guy claimed that she said ''yes''. Gary asked Howard if he'd ''cuddle'' with Carmen if she asked. In this case Howard said he would.

  Howard had an album he was going to play ''mystery record'' with but decided to just play it. The album by Tim Russ who plays the black Vulcan Tuvok on the ''Star Trek: Voyager'' TV shows. The songs are country-like and sound pretty bad. Howard played a few clips from the songs for Robin and she wasn't impressed. Some of the songs were original and some were covers of other songs. Robin said it sounded like a bad wedding band. Howard says he wants to get this guy to come in for a ''Battle of the Bands'' like Tina Yothers band did recently. Howard actually said that Tim is actually better than Tina's band.

  A listener called in and asked if Howard would be appearing as Fartman anywhere in the near future. He won't be doing that but he started talking about the movie script he has for a ''Fartman'' movie. He's still not sure he wants to make the movie though. There are too many questions in his mind about doing it so it doesn't look good.

  Howard also spent a while telling the story about how he hung out with Carmen Electra in Malibu that he told on Monday.

• Insane Clown Posse. 7/21/00. 7:25am
  Clown rappers Insane Clown Posse came in to promote their straight-to-video movie ''Big Money Hustlas''. What it turned into, though, was a huge argument between ICP and the director of the movie John Cafiero. Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J weren't expecting to be ambushed with the confrontation but they handled it well... by yelling over Cafiero. Apparently Cafiero called the show yesterday and asked to come in to complain about ICP bad mouthing him to the press. He says that they've said things in the press that aren't true. They claim that he's been demanding money from their record company and held up the release of the movie for a year waiting for more money. Cafiero also claims that one of the guys made a death threat to him and he's upset about that also. That didn't stop the guys from making another death threat this morning. ICP claim that they don't know what the hell this guy is talking about and didn't want to hear any of it anyway. There were a lot of arguments going on and there are probably very few people who care about it at all. Howard eventually let Cafiero and his wife leave while he kept ICP in to talk about other things for a couple of minutes.

  Crazy Cabbie called in to say how awful these guys are and how Eminem sold more records in a week than these guys will sell in their careers. That led to Howard talking about how the guys hate Eminem. They've even released a new song parody about Eminem. Howard played a little bit of the intro to the song. It's 2 guys doing an impression of Dr. Dre giving it to Eminem up the ass while rapping. It was actually pretty funny. The guys said that was just the intro and the song is even better. ICP were also promoting ''The Gathering of the Juggalos'' concert they're having at the Novi Expo in Detroit in the near future. Fans can get tickets at the Novi Expo box office or through TicketMaster.

• Howie Mandel Discusses His Halle Berry Incident. 7/21/00. 8:15am
  On Tuesday Howard played tape of Howie Mandel being yelled at by Halle Berry for a joke he'd made about her hit-and-run accident. Today Howie was on the phone to discuss what happened that day. Howie told Howard some behind the scenes stuff that went on after he told the joke but before Halle came on. He said that the producer of the Regis and Kathie Lee show, Gellman, put up a cue card that clued him in to the fact that Halle was really upset. During a commercial break Howie tried to apologize to Halle but she said she'd still have to discuss it on the air. He said he was really sorry that he'd upset her but he'd seen her joke around with other talk show hosts about the incident so he thought it was safe. Howard and Robin think that Halle wouldn't have done this to any other talk show host who made the same joke. Howard said that if Regis, Chris Rock or Jay Leno had made the same joke she wouldn't have gotten upset. Howard thinks that Halle doesn't see Howie as a ''power broker'' so she got pissed at him. Howard told Howie that he should have just said to her.. ''Listen to me you bitch.. Shut your mouth.. You are the lowest of the low'' for leaving the scene of the hit-and-run. Howie is too nice of a guy to do that though. Howard said that he'd debate Halle on his show but she won't come on. He'd let her know exactly what he thinks of her leaving the scene of the accident.

  Howard also spoke to Howie about another odd incident that happened recently. Gary told the story about how Howie had brought up this hispanic dishwasher dude on stage at an awards show he was doing and had him try and read the teleprompter. Howie said he didn't actually plan that. He brought the guy up as a joke (which is too much to explain) and the guy just ended up reading the prompter without being asked to.

  Howie said that the Halle Berry thing actually put him on the map because it was all over the news after it happened. He said he's still trying to go through the e-mail he's getting on his web site HowieMandel.com. It's overwhelming him. Howie said that he's appearing at Caesar's in Las Vegas through this Sunday.

• The Gossip Game With Guest Eric Nies. 7/21/00. 8:35am
  Eric who? Eric Nies is this guy who used to be on MTV. He was on the first season of the ''Real World'' series and hosted ''The Grind'' for a couple of years. Howard had him in because he has banged a couple of hot chicks.. Pam Anderson and Alyssa Milano. Howard spent a couple of minutes finding out a couple of things about Eric before getting to the game. Eric, who's 29 said that he was the one who dumped Pam and Alyssa. Howard waited until after the game to find out more details.

  Howard said he had a new twist for the gossip game today. He said that Eric would be playing for a listener and if he wins then the listener gets $1000 from iWon.com. If the listener is already a member of iWon.com then he'd win $2000.

  Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Hugh Grant is upset about the breakup of his 13 year relationship with model Elizabeth Hurley and he's been calling Elton John for help on getting in touch with her.
  2. Mel Gibson showed up late to the premiere of his movie ''The Patriot'' because he had to help his daughter get her guinea pig unstuck from a drain.
  3. Bruce Willis will be doing a surprise appearance at a comedy club to practice some stand-up comedy for an upcoming role he's doing.
  4. Dennis Franz turned down a $100,000 offer to appear at a bachelorette party because one demand was for him to show his ass like he's done on his TV show. He says that's not his style.
  Howard, Robin and Jackie all went with number 4 while Eric was the only one to go with number 1 as the false story. The actual false story was number 3 so there were no winners this week.

  After the game Howard spent some time talking to Eric about his sex life. He found out that Eric lost his virginity when he was 15 to a woman who just about raped him after he'd passed out after drinking too much. The girl decided to take advantage of him while he was passed out. Eric also said that he had a foursome when he was in high school. He said these 3 girls offered to do it with him because he was so good looking. Howard jumped ahead to the period of time that Eric was doing ''The Grind''. That's when he met Pamela Anderson. He was at the Viper Room club out in California and saw her there. He stared at her for a while and her friend came over and said that Pam wanted to meet him. He refused to go over to her table so they didn't meet right away. He later thought better of it and when he went outside he saw her again. He spoke to her for a minute but her brother pulled her away. At the time he was friends with Nicole Eggert who was on ''Baywatch'' with Pam. He told Nicole that he had to meet Pam again so she hooked him up. They got together and he got her the first night. They then dated for about 9 months until Eric decided that things were too crazy for him and broke up with her. He said she was getting baby fever and he wasn't ready for that yet so they broke up. Eric also talked about dating another hot chick, Alyssa Milano. He said they only went out for about 3 months. He said that both of them were ''amazing people''. Howard asked Eric if he'd ever seen Alyssa make a doody. Eric said he did see that because she had an apartment where you could see right into the bathroom from other parts of the place.

  Eric was promoting a new TV show he's doing called ''Thunder Box''. Howard joked that ''Thunder Box'' was his nickname for Robin's private parts. Eric said it's a new boxing league and they need to find some hot looking ''Thunder Box'' girls who will appear on the show. He suggested that Howard could hold auditions on the show for them. Howard didn't say whether or not he'd do it though. Howard took a couple of phone calls for Eric also. One caller asked if Alyssa Milano's breasts are fake. Eric said they are but they look pretty real. Another caller said that Eric is a ''flamer'' for some reason. He said he knew a guy who went to school with him and he was doing guys back then. Eric just laughed it off. Eric also plugged this abdominal workout machine that he invented called the Abaratus. It's available at Abaratus.com.

• Mr. Methane Comes In. 7/21/00. 9:25am
  Back in February this amazing talent by the name of Mr. Methane came in to perform some songs for Howard. He amazed everyone with his talented ass flatulence. Today he came in to announce that his album ''MrMethane.com(CD)'' is now available in the U.S. Thanks to Oglio Records, the same company that brings us Jackie the Jokeman's many CDs. Robin apologized to Mr. Methane because when she saw him walking down the hall she burst out laughing. Mr. Methane didn't mind it though. He dresses in a green and purple super hero outfit and it looks pretty goofy. He says he does what Pavarotti does but with his butt. He told Howard that he does a lot of performances over in England for clubs, student unions and even corporate-types. He said that he may be touring the U.S. now that he's hooked up with PegasusConcerts, the same people who book some of the Wack Pack.

  Mr. Methane was on the show to talk though. He was there to perform. He warmed up with the ''Mr Methane.com'' theme song and blasted some big farts for us. He then went on to perform a little bit of ''Blue Danube'' and ''It's Flatulation'' which are both on his CD. Jackie said that he was actually ''singing along'' with the songs with his ass. Howard said that people wonder if Mr. Methane can perform without a musical accompaniment. Mr. Methane then went on to perform an a cappella version of ''Da Do Ron Ron'' which blew everyone away.. So to speak. He actually farted the ''Da Do Ron Ron'' parts quite well and at one point he was singing with his mouth and his ass at the same time! Amazing! Jackie said it was like a ventriloquist drinking water at the same time his dummy is talking. Mr. Methane also performed Stevie Wonder's ''I Just Called To Say I Love You'' and blasted some of the lyrics to that song. He wrapped things up with a flatulent version of ''Swan Lake''. He had to use talcum powder to tighten up his sphincter to perform that one. Ann Marie, in the back office, wanted Mr. Methane to perform ''Flight of the Bumble Bee'' like he did last time but Howard could see that he was pretty worn out from all of the other songs. He let him off the hook and brought the segment to a close.