For The Week Of 2/28/2000 to 3/3/2000

• Howard Returns From Vacation. 2/28/00. 6:05am
  Howard returned from his one week California vacation this morning. He spent the first 2 hours of the show talking about a bunch of things that happened to him out there. He said the weather was horrible and he didn't get to sit pool-side at all. It rained most of the time he was there. He told Robin about going to a bunch of parties including one with Rick Rubin the record company mogul. Howard said that he thinks Rick lets his dogs crap inside of his house. Rick's always got incense going and Howard thinks it's because the two dogs he has just crap all over the house. He loves Rick though, he wasn't bad mouthing him. He said the parties were weird at Rick's house because no one introduces anyone. He did end up meeting a couple of celebrities though.

  Howard also went to a ''Sex in the City'' TV show party when he came back to New York. He said he spoke to Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Modine at that party.

  He also brought up another party he went to where Access Hollywood reported that he was there with an unidentified blonde. Howard said it was Rob Zombie's girlfriend Sherry. Rob was there but no one bothered to ask who the woman really was.

  Howard was party hopping all over the place out there in California. He said he was drunk on Vodka and cranberry. He'd go into a party, get a drink then go right back to his limo and drink some more. He said wine doesn't hit him fast enough so he had to try the hard stuff.

  Howard almost met Britney Spears at one of the parties he was at but he refused to go over to her table when someone asked him to. He thought that she should come over to his table.

  Howard also mentioned seeing Kid Rock at a party with model James King but he couldn't figure out the relationship. He said they'd try to call her to find out what was going on. He also met Patricia Arquette and saw Sheryl Crow at a party. At that party he saw a woman who was pretty tall and since Howard is tall, he likes to talk to other tall people. He went over and spoke to her for a while, not even finding out her last name. It turned out she was Sheryl Crow's manager's girlfriend. The manager came over and tried to break up the conversation thinking that Howard was hitting on her. The next day Howard found out that the woman was going around telling everyone that Howard was hitting on her and she turned him down. Howard said he wasn't hitting on her, he was just talking to her. Robin told Howard that he was hitting on her, he just didn't realize it.

  Howard also met one of the guys from the Backstreet Boys and he told Howard that they'd like to come on the show and sing the Backside Boys songs with Howard. Howard told him he had balls and perhaps that will happen in the future.

  At one point in the show, Extreme Fan Bobo called in and brought up Howard's Tonight Show appearance. Howard spent a few minutes talking about how consumed Jay Leno is with David Letterman. He said he spoke to Jay backstage before the show and all Jay talked about was Dave, Dave, Dave. Howard also pointed out that the kid who was on the show with him wasn't pissed at him like some people thought.

• David Spade Pissed At Howard? 2/28/00. 7:35am
  Howard thinks that his friendship with actor David Spade may be over after an incident out in California. He explained how he invited David to go to some parties with him and a few other friends. It was Howard, Rob Zombie and his girlfriend, Richie Notar and Spade. The parties they were attending were the type where you have to get past a bouncer who recognizes you. At one of the parties David Spade didn't get in for some reason so he took a cab home. Howard didn't know that David didn't make it in until after he left the party. He later got a message from Dave telling him that it was no big deal. Howard tried to call Dave but he wasn't returning his phone calls. Howard said that he couldn't keep track of everyone at these parties so Spade might have slipped through the cracks. He figured Spade was famous enough to get in the party himself so it wasn't a big deal. Howard said if Spade is mad at him he should get over it.

  Howard went on to tell another celebrity story about Christina Aguilera. He met Christina at a party out in California but she wasn't much of a talker. He ended up introducing her to Courtney Love and said it was a very strange meeting. He said it was like two people from different planets meeting. Howard said that Christina was very sexy looking in person.

• Another Touch Tone Terrorist Call. 2/28/00. 8:10am
  Howard got a hold of another Touch Tone Terrorists phony phone call. He's played a few of their calls in the past couple of months and everyone loves them. He said the guys will be on the show live in a couple of weeks to talk about how they do these great calls. He said that the guys got this phone number that used to be a customer service number for some delivery company and they goof on the people who call in. That's exactly what the call was that he played today.

• Balloon Fetish Video Chicks. 2/28/00. 8:15am
  Howard recently told Robin about this strange video he watched where women did some odd stuff with balloons. He called it a porno but there was no sex in the video. It was just women popping balloons while being in different outfits or being naked. This morning one of the stars came in while the producer of the video called in on the phone. Crystal White, star of ''Bare Balloon Babes 13: Babes at the Beach'', came in the studio while the producer, Cheryl, called in. Howard said they had a camera on her but she was wearing a ski mask to disguise herself. She told Howard that she's not ashamed of the video's but she doesn't want anyone to recognize her. Cheryl also made sure to point out that these movies aren't porno even though there is a lot of nudity. She said it's a very fine line between porn and T & A movies.

  Crystal had some balloons to demonstrate with so Howard had her do her thing. She took one balloon and blew it up until it exploded. Then she took her top off and bounced on another balloon until that one popped. She told Howard she gets $350-$500 a session to do this stuff. You can find out more about the balloon fetish videos at BestBuns.net. Crystal also has her own web sites at CrystalPics.com and CrystalPalace.com

• The World's Most Talented Man? 2/28/00. 9:10am
  This guy Johnny ''Mud'' Mudman claims to be the most talented man in the world. He came in prepared to do just about anything from singing to ready poetry and bouncing a basketball. Howard decided to have Fred compete against the ''Mud Man'' to see who was more talented. Howard had Johnny sing an original song first. He picked up Fred's guitar and sang some horrible song that he made up about a woman. Fred then took the guitar and sang one if his songs. Howard said that the contest was pretty close at that point. Johnny went on to do one of his characters who was a gay chiropractor. Howard ended that pretty quick and Johnny started to see that this wasn't going anywhere. Howard then had Johnny and Fred do different characters to compare them. They each did their best black voice and german voice. Fred was a little better in both. Then Johnny bounced a basketball saying he'd take anyone on in a game. Howard then saw that Johnny claims that he's good at improv. Howard gave him a scene to do. He told Johnny that he's a guy who has just been diagnosed with AIDS. Johnny just said a couple of words and Howard moved on. Mud Man couldn't believe that he was being ''dogged so hard'' by everyone. He said he didn't imagine the appearance going like it was.

  Howard took some phone calls for the guy and most of them just wanted the guy off the air. A couple of people wondered why they were being so hard on the guy and said he wasn't that bad. A couple of listeners offered him jobs. The jobs were for a gay escort service and a concession stand clerk but they were jobs! Mud Man claims that he actually had one of his plays produced down in Tampa and that he's written a few screenplays and scripts that he hopes to get produced.

  At one point Stephen Baldwin called in to tell Howard to get this guy off the air. He and Mud Man argued for a couple of minutes and the Mud Man seemed to hold up pretty good. He basically told Stephen that he wouldn't have a career without his brother Alec being so popular. By this time Howard was getting tired of the whole thing so he brought it to an end. He said that he thinks Mud Man is funny but not talented.

• Howard Almost Quits ''Son of the Beach''! 2/29/00. 6:30am
  First thing this morning Howard was saying that he wasn't able to sleep last night so he had to take sleeping pills. He was in bed by 8pm or so and was wide awake at 10:30. He eventually went to bed at 12 after taking a sleeping pill. We later found out why he was unable to sleep. He explained that the people on his new show ''Son of the Beach'' wanted to release a second episode to the press to release even though it wasn't fully produced yet. He told them not to do it and they said ''okay''. He then found out that one taped copy of the show made it to the press and he freaked out. He actually told the people that he quit because they lied to him. After yelling and screaming and a lot of discussion he's back on the show. He's going to be doing a press conference sometime today after the show.

• Gary Almost A Life Line On 'Millionaire. 2/29/00. 6:35am
  Gary came in and explained how he was almost a life line for a contestant on ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' yesterday. He got a call from a guy who was possibly going to get in the ''hot seat'' and play the game. He wanted Howard to be his life line but Howard really didn't want to do it. So the guy eventually agreed to use Gary if he got the chance. Gary went through the whole screening process and later that night he got a call from ABC who told him what to do if this guy used him as the life line. The guy made it to the ''hot seat'' but when he used his life line it wasn't Gary. The guy later told Gary that he used someone else and that he's still in the game. Gary said he was actually nervous waiting for the call from the guy.

• Drew Carey Comes In. 2/29/00. 7:05am
  Comedian Drew Carey came in this morning to promote his two TV shows and his syndicated radio show. Drew brought producer Sam Simon with him when he came in. Howard ended up talking to Drew about his dating life for pretty much the whole segment. The first time Drew was on Howard's show he was complaining about his fame and how he was ready to leave the TV show. Howard told him to enjoy it while he can. Drew took his advice and how has two TV shows and a radio show. He's also dating an ex-stripper by the name of Nicole. Drew told Howard how he met Nicole at a strip club, asked her out and eventually got her to quit stripping. He now supports her enough that she doesn't need to work. Drew said someone recently asked her what she did for a living and Drew answered ''She's Drew Carey's girlfriend.'' Howard was surprised when Drew said he has given Nicole the key to his house. He wondered if she was going to clean him out while he's away. Drew doesn't think that at all. He's even leased her a Jaguar to drive. Howard dug deeper to find out how long it took Drew to get laid. Howard figured it was probably the same night as the first date but Drew said it took a couple of weeks or so. She stripped for a couple of months then Drew asked her to quit and she did. He said everyone likes her including his mother. Howard asked if she has implants but Drew said they're a nice size and they're natural. Before Drew and Sam left Howard spent a minute talking to Sam. Sam was one of the creators of ''The Simpsons'' cartoon and he's made a fortune off of that show. He also directs Drew's show once in a while. He doesn't have to work though, he just does it when he feels like it. ''The Drew Carey Show'' airs Wednesday's at 9pm and ''Who's Line Is It Anyway'' airs on Thursday's at 8 and 8:30pm. He's also got a radio show called ''The Hi-Fi Hour'' which is a syndicated show.

• Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corgan Comes In. 2/29/00. 8:45am
  Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlin from the Smashing Pumpkins came in to promote their new album ''Machina: The Machines Of God'' this morning. Howard started off by bringing up how screwed up Billy's childhood was. He said that Billy was abandoned by his parents and was passed around his relatives at the age of 5 even though his parents were just around the corner. Howard tried to get Billy to talk about the whole situation but he was very reluctant to get into it. He kept telling Howard that it was a very long and boring story. He did eventually say that his relationship with his parents is like a roller coaster. He's now on the outs with his father. His mother died 3 years ago. He said he got along with her the best. Howard kept trying to get details but Billy just skirted around the subject.

  Howard also spoke to Jimmy Chamberlin who's the drummer in the band. Jimmy was kicked out of the band a while back but he's back in now. At the time he was on heroin but that wasn't exactly the reason he was kicked out. Billy explained that because the two of them didn't see eye to eye on the focus of the band that he had to let him go. Jimmy wanted to party and do drugs while Billy wanted to concentrate on the music. Jimmy said he enjoyed his 2 year vacation from the band but he knew he'd be back. The bass player in the band just recently left also so Howard asked Billy if he thinks that he's the problem. Billy admitted that he is hard to work with so that may be the reason but the bass player had problems too.

  Howard brought up Courtney Love from Hole who Billy used to date. Howard hung out with her out in Los Angeles last week and said she's a handful. Billy agreed and said that she was a ''World class drama queen'' and that she was a ''nightmare to be with.'' He was one of the people who pushed her to do another album but that led to them fighting once again. Billy said that while they were dating she actually cooked for him and did his laundry which surprised Howard.

  At one point in the interview Howard had a couple of 16 year old female fans come in. Howard had video of their bedrooms which were covered with Smashing Pumpkins posters and stuff. He let them talk to Billy for a minute but they didn't have much to say. They said that they started their own band ''Nagrok'' because they were inspired by Billy. The band name is Corgan's name spelled backwards with the letter K. Howard got them out of the studio pretty quick since they didn't have much to say.

  Howard wanted to talk to Billy about Sharon Osbourne managing the band and how that didn't work out but he's not allowed to talk about it because they're in a legal situation with the whole thing. Howard took a few phone calls before ending the segment. Smashing Pumpkins will be appearing at HMV records on 34th street tonight at 7pm for an in store performance. They'll be doing a full hour's worth of music for the fans. The new album ''Machina: The Machines Of God'' comes out today.

• David Spade Calls In. 2/29/00. 8:40am
  Comedian David Spade called in this morning to talk to Howard about their little incident out in California. Yesterday Howard talked about how he thought David was mad at him after they got separated at a party. David wasn't returning Howard's calls after the incident so he thought he might be pissed. Dave was on the phone this morning and he wasn't pissed. He told Howard that they're still friends and he had a great time while they were hanging out at the Grammy parties they went to. They spent about 20 minutes talking about all of the fun they had out there. Both of them got drunk together and went around the parties checking out the women. Howard and David talked about how they goofed on some people and stuff like that. Howard introduced David to Christina Aguilerra as Charlie Sheen as a goof at one point. As David was describing some of the stuff they did Howard started to remember it from his drunken haze. Dave reminded him that he met the Doritos commercial chick and Lisa Marie Presley. Howard barely remembered it himself. Howard said he didn't hit it off with the Doritos chick because he doesn't have a rap. He had nothing to talk to her about except the Doritos commercial. He could barely remember what he spoke to Lisa Marie about either. He said he thinks he asked her what the hell she was doing with Michael Jackson a few years back. Howard said David was hanging out with Tara Reid from the movie ''American Pie''. She wasn't interested in talking to Howard though. He said she was very stand-offish toward him. Howard said he and David had a great time hanging out because David is such a funny guy. David said he was Howard's little court jester for the 6 hours they hung out. Before Spade got off the phone he got a little plug for his show ''Just Shoot Me'' which airs tonight at 9:30pm.

• Stephanie's New Implants. 2/29/00. 9:05am
  Stephanie came in back in October to get breast implants. Howard gave them to her just because she had the potential to become a perfect 10 if she got implants. Today she came in to show off her 3 month old implants. She just had them done on December 6th. She came in dressed in a low cut dress showing off her new cleavage. She's thrilled with the new breasts and didn't hesitate to show them to Howard. She even invited him to cop a feel. Howard took advantage of that and felt them two different times. He said they felt very nice. Dr. Calabro also called in real quick and mentioned that Stephanie's new breasts are on his web site at SalCalabro.com. Stephanie said she hasn't had sex since getting the new implants. What is she waiting for?

• Howard's ''Son of the Beach'' Press Conference. 3/1/00. 6:25am
  Howard spent a few minutes discussing the press conference he held yesterday for his new TV show ''Son of the Beach''. He said that there were a lot of questions about Kathie Lee Gifford instead of the new TV show. She announced her retirement yesterday on her show so all of the press were asking him what he thought. The local Fox news channel sent over this old bag Penny Crone to ask some questions and most of them had nothing to do with the TV show. She asked him about his apartment and whether or not he's getting back with his wife. Howard ended up telling Penny that he's still available and she can check out his apartment for herself when they go out on their first date. He was kidding of course. Howard played a clip of Penny's news segment from last night's news. Howard told the press that he thinks that at this point Kathie Lee looks like she's been hit by a train and that's one of the reasons she's probably leaving. Howard also mentioned that a couple of Stern clones were at the press conference but all they were going to do was sit and watch. They ended up getting kicked out of the event. He said that he wouldn't mention their names or the station they're on.

  Stuttering John was supposed to go to the press conference to ask Howard some goofy questions but he had to be at the radio station to do his lame ''Out To Lunch'' show. Instead he had an intern ask the questions and Howard said he didn't even realize they were the goofy questions. Then when he wanted to play the tape of the questions they weren't ready for him. He ended up yelling at KC, John and Scott the Engineer. Gary was out sick with the flu so Howard couldn't yell at him.

• Lexis St. Cloud's Evaluation. 3/1/00. 7:35am
  A 23 year old stripper by the name of Lexis St. Cloud came in to find out if Howard thinks she's Playboy material. Howard said he was going to do a real quick evaluation instead of doing a whole long thing. He brought her in and seemed to be surprised at how good she looked. He said she had nice full lips and her face was nice but she had a tattoo on her back. Stuttering John said her ass was really nice. For some reason John asked her if she had a boyfriend. She said ''no'' but after some more digging they found out that the guy she was calling her ''room mate'' is actually her boyfriend. She thinks that it's not good in her line of business to admit to having a boyfriend. The guy quit his job to go on tour with her and she won't even admit he's a boyfriend.

  Lexis soon took off her clothes.. all of them. That's when the real evaluation took place. She just recently had implants put in and they didn't come out that good. Everyone agreed that they were too far apart and too tight. Howard even said they were different sizes. Howard told her she really needs to go to a good plastic surgeon to get them fixed. Everyone told her that she might be good enough for Penthouse but not Playboy. Then they started saying that maybe Penthouse wasn't even possible and that Hustler might be more appropriate. All of the guys agreed that the breasts were the problem. The rest of her body was okay but the breasts threw everything off.

  As Howard was ending Lexis' segment John told him that they should try ''Turkish Millionaire'' with her. He said he had a feeling about her. Howard got a few questions for her and played a quick game. She got all of the questions right. Here's what he asked her:

  • What are the two testaments of the Bible? - Old and new
  • Who gave the Gettysburg address? - Lincoln
  • Spell McCain. - MCCAIN
  So much for John's feeling. You can find out more about Lexis at ClubCloud.com

• The $6000 Brothers. 3/1/00. 8:05am
  Howard was taking a couple of phone calls to kill some time this morning when he came across these two brothers who need some money. The guys started to explain to Howard how they need $6000 to pay back some drug dealer for the crystal meth they've been taking. They said they'd do anything to get the money. One of the brothers was very calm and collected while the other guy, who Howard eventually called ''Mary'', would scream at his brother like a little girl. If the other brother mentioned his mother Mary would scream ''Shut up about Mom!'' Mary told Howard that he once gave oral sex to a drug dealer to get the drugs. Howard then told him he was gay for doing that but Mary kept saying that he's not. The other brother said he'd never do something like that. Mary said it's the drugs that made him give the oral to a guy. Howard told Mary that he's done tons of drugs and he never gave oral to any guy. Howard found Mary so funny that he actually decided to give them a chance to win some money. At first he told Mary that he'd have to give him anal to win the money. He also said that if they got the mother to come down and give Howard oral they could get some money. When Mary heard that he yelled ''You don't know my Mom!'' Then he decided to offer them a chance at playing ''Turkish Millionaire'' live in the studio tomorrow. The brothers said they'd come in and do it. Howard said that Mary would have to wear a dress and the other brother would have to wear a suit so they'd look like a couple. They don't have any money but hopefully we'll hear them on the show tomorrow.

• Gary The Retard Calls In. 3/1/00. 8:40am
  Gary the retard called in to tell Howard that he celebrated his 47th birthday on Monday. While Howard had him on the phone he decided to find out something he's been wondering about. What does Gary do for food? Gary told Howard that he often eats waffles for breakfast. Frozen waffles of course. He said that he heats them up in a toaster, puts syrup and butter on them and eats them. For lunch he'll head out to the local Tasty Freeze for a burger or he'll heat up a ham and cheese Hot Pockets meal. For dinner he often eats frozen pizza. He even knows to heat the oven to 375 degrees and cook it for 15 minutes. Before Gary got off the phone he told Howard that he needs a job or he'll go nuts. He said he had a job at a wood shop as a janitor but he didn't like it. He wants to be on the radio now. Howard told him to put together a presentation and he'll let him do it on the show.

• Author Kenneth Bucchi Calls In. 3/1/00. 8:45am
  This guy Kenneth Bucchi called in to promote his book ''Inside Job : Deep Undercover As a Corporate Spy''. Howard said that Ken used to be in the CIA. Howard tried to interview the guy but it was tough to make it interesting. Ken had the tendency to ramble on quite a bit so Howard would cut him off and move on to other subjects. He first tried to find out about how Ken was recruited by the CIA while he was in college. Ken went into a whole long description about how they had him do some odd things and if he did them they'd bring him in. They didn't have direct contact with him though. They did it through his college friend. The one thing he mentioned was that he'd pretend to be an undercover cop and he'd go around doing a hygiene check on women at malls. He'd ask them if they were wearing panties or not and do it with a straight face. He was already sounding like a nut at this point.

  He went through some other boring stuff then he told Howard about how some employers can spy on people. He described a mechanical bird that has a camera mounted in it and it can fly around a parking lot and spy on people. A couple of callers told Howard they've actually seen these things and confirmed what he was talking about.

  Quite a few callers also tried to tell Howard that this guy was full of crap and he was never in the CIA. Even Captain Janks called in and confronted the guy. Janks was on a mission to prove this guy wasn't in the CIA. He wanted him to give Howard his old work number so he could prove it but Ken wouldn't do it. It was a very odd interview. Another guy claiming to be from the Israeli intelligence agency also called in and confronted Ken. They both argued over this stuff for a few minutes but nothing was solved.

  Later in the show actor Michael Boatman, the black guy from ''Spin City'', called in and said he also saw one of those mechanical birds flying around for a couple of days. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Michael about ''Spin City'' and whether or not Charlie Sheen will be taking Michael J. Fox's place next season.

• Howard Reviews ''Sexy Girls With Guns'' Video. 3/1/00. 9:40am
  Howard was checking out this video ''Sexy Girls With Guns'' during a commercial break. He was intrigued by it so he ended up playing a bit of it on the air. He said there are women shooting high powered guns while they're topless. He said he wouldn't pleasure himself to the tape but it was ''intriguing'' to watch. Everyone in the studio seemed to enjoy watching the kickback of the guns shaking the women's breasts.

• Steve's FX Protest. 3/1/00. 9:50am
  This guy Steve is upset that he doesn't get the FX cable channel on his cable system in Queens, NY. He wants people to call and write to the cable system and beg for them to put FX on so they can see ''Son of the Beach'' when it starts airing March 14. Howard gave him a minute to give out his e-mail address so people can contact him with ideas and crap. You can reach him at SotBNow@aol.com.

• Tom Trying To Ruin The Show Again. 3/2/00. 6:05am
  Howard was a little pissed about a meeting he had with General Manager Tom Chiusano yesterday. Tom asked Howard if they could get a sponsor for the weekly Gossip Game that they play on Friday. He told Howard that it wouldn't really be a commercial though. It would just be a quick announcement of who was sponsoring the segment.. a commercial in other words. Howard doesn't want to do it because it's just another commercial in a show filled with commercials. He told Tom that he doesn't want any more clutter on the show. Tom is still going to go ahead and have a test announcement made up anyway.

• Gary's Dopey Trivia Game. 3/2/00. 7:05am
  Gary brought in one of his games for Howard to play this morning. He pulled some info out of this book ''Hot Young Hollywood Trivia Challenge'' for Howard to guess at. He started off giving out names of celebrities and Howard had to guess whether their names were their real names or stage names. Here are a few of them:
  • James VanDerBeek - Real name
  • Meg Ryan - Stage name
  • Lou Diamond Phillips - Stage name
  • Skeet Ulrich - Stage name
  • Demi Moore - Stage name
  When Gary started doing other trivia from the book Howard wasn't interested. He said it was boring and told Gary to give it up. He asked dopey stuff like ''Who is Drew Barrymore's godfather?'' Howard didn't really care but it turned out to be Steven Speilberg. We also found out that Brad Pitt's real first name is William.

• Gary Garver Celebrity Interviews. 3/2/00. 7:10am
  Howard played some tape of Gary Garver interviewing a couple of people at the Grammy Awards. Gary interviewed comedian Jamie Foxx, Phil Collins (delay was hit on his one question), Monica, John Tesh, Backstreet Boys and Pat O'Brian from ''Access Hollywood''. Jamie Foxx stuck around and answered all of Gary's goofy questions with some pretty funny answers. Phil Collins didn't answer his question but in New York we didn't what it was anyway. Someone hit the delay on the question and it was cut out. 17 year old Monica didn't stick around long to answer her questions since she was dragged away by her people. John Tesh answered a few goofy questions with no problem. The Backstreet Boys answered a couple as did Pat O'Brian. Below are the questions asked and the answers the celebrities gave:

  Jaime Foxx

  • How are you celebrating black history month? - I'm taking all my white girlfriends out to dinner in an urban setting
  • What do you think about white parents adopting children of color? - It's great, expand your mind
  • Why do you think there are so many Jews in the music business? - All my lawyers jews.. I get along with them
  • Who has the largest ass in show business? - ..has to go to Star Jones
  • Do you ever fart on stage? - Of course, those are the silent killers
  • Who would you rather sleep with, Ellen Degeneres or Whoopi Goldberg? - Whoopi.. I'd lick her dreads
  • Do you urinate in the shower? - DELAY HIT
  • If a man gives another man oral pleasure does that make him gay? - That makes him risky

  Monica

  • Who do you think is the best new artist? - Can't say..
  • Can you sing me your favorite song from this year? - PEOPLE TRY TO DRAG HER AWAY
  • Since Howard Stern is single, would you go out with him? - No.. He might be cruel and I couldn't take it
  • Is penis size important? - DRAGGED AWAY

  John Tesh

  • Can you sing your favorite song from this year for me? - SINGS The LOVE BOAT THEME
  • Who has the largest ass in show business? - DELAY HIT
  • Do you ever fart on stage? - I've never done that
  • Is Hollywood biased against fat actresses? - No
  • If a man gives another man oral pleasure does that make him gay? - Next question
  • Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? - Yes
  • How often do you engage in anal sex? - Next question
  • Who are you going to vote for in the next presidential election? - You're looking at him baby

  Backstreet Boys

  • What do you think about Howard Stern doing your song? - DELAY HIT
  • Do you ever fart on stage? - All the time

  Pat O'Brien

  • Who will you be voting for in the next presidential election? - Don't know yet
  • Do you think there are too many useless award shows? - There's 32 of them
  • Who do you love more, your mother or your father? - Can't say.. just lost my mom so she's in my thoughts
  • Which parent told you about sex? - Dad
  • Why do you think there are so many Jews in the music business? - Don't know
  • Have you ever farted on stage? - Oh come on..

• ''Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire'' Contestants Come In. 3/2/00. 8:20am
  A woman claiming to be one of the contestants in the recent Fox TV debacle ''Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire'' called in this morning. She told Howard that she wouldn't have married the guy if she'd made it to the finals and that the only reason she played was for the prizes they gave to the contestants. She said her friend was one of the final 5 and she was in the room with her. Howard wanted to talk to her but he decided to invite both of them down to the studio instead. A total of 4 women showed up. Elizabeth, Shaunte, Barbara and Felice were the four women. Howard said that they were all pretty good looking women. They were all contestants in the Fox show but one of them, 20 year old Shaunte, was one of the five finalists. Most of the women agreed that they would have either run away from or not stayed married to Rick Rockwell, the guy they were in the contest for. Howard spent a lot of time trying to get them to admit that they were very shallow for doing the show. It took them quite a while but some of them finally admitted that they were shallow. One of the women claims that Fox told them that the marriage was going to be a fake anyway so it wouldn't have mattered. Most of the women said that they didn't think they'd be picked as the winner and they were just playing for the prizes so they're not as shallow as Howard was making them out to be. Barbara told Howard that she actually hooked up with Rick's friend after the show.

  After a lot of arguing about whether or not they did the show for the chance at getting money Gary came in and made an offer. He picked Elizabeth and asked her if she'd get naked for $5000. She didn't really want to do it but then Shaunte said she'd do it if Elizabeth did it with her. They were very hesitant to do it and Felice was telling them stuff like ''Don't sell your integrity...'' Howard told her to shut up but she kept trying to stop them from doing it. After a few minutes Gary raised the dollar amount to $7000 and Shaunte said she'd do it. Once she started to take off her clothes Elizabeth joined in the fun. They both got totally naked. Howard said he'd marry both of them. He said both of them were clean shaven. The money came from iWon.com who has given Howard quite a bit of cash to give away on the show lately. Howard finally had to end all of the fun after seeing the two naked chicks.

• Chris Fonseca The CP Comic. 3/2/00. 9:15am
  Comedian Chris Fonseca who suffers from cerebral palsy came in to talk to Howard for a little while this morning. He also plugged his album ''Not Tonight, I Have Cerebral Palsy''. Howard said that Chris has been doing stand-up comedy for 15 years. Robin pointed out that it's not stand-up because he's in a wheel chair. Chris came in and said he offered the ''Marry a Multi-Millionaire'' women some money but they wouldn't show him anything in the green room. He said all he could do was smell them. Howard said that Chris is married to his second wife now and he has 4 kids! Chris went on to tell Howard about how his mother died when he was being born and he suffered from a lack of oxygen. That's why he has the CP now. He ended up being adopted by his aunt and uncle. He said when he was in school kids used to call him Faucet Face because he drooled quite a bit. Howard asked him what happened to his first marriage. Chris said his wife went lesbo on him. Howard said ''What kind of man are you?'' Chris replied ''..not one with a vagina!'' He was pretty funny. He told Howard a little bit about how he has sex with his wife. He said he can whisper in a woman's ear and because he's ''Faucet Face'' the woman can hear the ocean. Chirs also pulled out a picture of his current wife and Howard said she's quite attractive. He met her while trying to get people to show up at his comedy show. Before Chris left Howard asked him if he smokes pot to relieve the pain of his CP. Chris said he doesn't have any pain but the pot helps anyway. Chris' album ''Not Tonight, I have Cerebral Palsy'' can be purchased at ComedyProductions.com

• Gary's Phlegm. 3/3/00. 6:10am
  Howard had to complain about Gary first thing this morning because of his constant throat clearing. Howard was trying to eat his egg breakfast during a break and Gary was telling him about what was going on during today's show. Gary then started to clear his throat of excess phlegm and it made Howard sick. He had to ask Gary to leave the studio because he couldn't eat the eggs. Gary said he doesn't even know that he's doing it so he didn't listen to Howard when he told him to leave. He had to be asked twice before he actually left. Both Jackie and Fred goofed on Gary for a couple of minutes by making the coughing sound that he makes to clear the phlegm.

• Steve's FX Protest Update And Various Discussions. 3/3/00. 6:35am
  The guy that called in yesterday to tell Howard about his FX protest called in again this morning to tell Howard he was overwhelmed with e-mails. He said he got about 800 e-mails after he gave out his e-mail address. He couldn't even respond to them all. He started to tell Howard that he wants a satellite company to make a special ''Howard Stern'' package that would include FX. Howard couldn't listen to the guy's delivery anymore so he told him he had to go. Steve called in a few minutes later to say the same exact thing but Howard had to hang up on him again.

  Howard killed some time this morning talking about various news stories that were in the paper this morning. He first spent a few minutes talking about Monica Lewinsky who is apparently gaining back the 31 pounds she lost recently. In the article it said she weighed 223 pounds at one point. The article said that she's fattened back up and that she ''waddled'' out of some restaurant.

  Howard also brought up Madonna's latest movie and how the reviews for it are really bad. The reviews both said that the one good thing about the movie is Madonna's chiseled body.

  Jerry Seinfeld buying Billy Joel's estate for $40 Million also came up this morning. Howard spent a little while on that subject also.

• Heather's New Implants. 3/3/00. 7:30am
  Back in October this woman Heather came in and ate a carrot out of Beetlejuice the midget's ass for implants. She came in to show off the new cans this morning. She told Howard she went from an A-cup to a full C and had some liposuction done at the same time. Dr. Calabro did the work. Howard reviewed some of her history before asking her to show off her new breasts. Heather said that she likes the new boobies but she's very self conscious about them and didn't want to show them. She showed off her new ass no problem but it took a while to get her to take her top off. Howard said her ass looked pretty good. She told Howard that she wanted to give him a hug so he told her she'd have to show off her breasts first. That got the top off. She gave a quick flash and got the hug from Howard. She also said she has a crush on KC and was very ''smitten'' with him according to Robin and Gary.

  Heather said that she wanted to know if she was Scores material so Howard had her get into a bikini to evaluate her. KC picked out one bikini but it looked horrible on her so they picked out another. Howard told her that she's really not Scores material. She was really short and she had big feet. Gary said she could dance at a club down in south 'Jersey or out in front of the Jacob Javits Center but not at Scores. Howard wanted one last peek at the breasts but Heather said she thinks her areolas are too big so she didn't want to do it again. Howard said they looked fine and convinced her to show them again. Eventually Howard told her that she was making him mental so he had to end the fun.

• The Gossip Game With Vin The Retard. 3/3/00. 8:05am
  Mike Walker was on the phone to play his game this morning so Howard brought up the recent incident with Tom Chiusano where he told Howard he wanted to have the game sponsored by someone. Even Mike couldn't believe that Tom wanted to clutter up the show with that crap. Tom says they need money to pay Ronnie the limo driver to be security when guests come on the show. Howard and Tom went at it for a minute but Tom is still thinking of doing this crap. Mike later suggested that they have Scores be the sponsor of the segment.

  Mike also brought up the recent Drew Carey appearance and how Drew says that Mike doesn't get stories about him totally correct. Mike explained to Howard one story he did that Drew himself confirmed in an interview with Maxim magazine. He just wanted to point out to Drew that he does get stories correct. Does anyone really care?

  Howard also brought up a recent story that Mike did on his National Enquirer TV show. He got a ''Behind the Scenes at Scores'' story on the air. Cameras were never allowed in the strip club before and Mike was the only one they'd allow in the place. Howard missed the segment so Mike said he'd send over a copy.

  By this time Vin the Retard was in the studio ready to play the game Howard spoke to him for a minute and told Vin that he really needs to get his teeth fixed and lose some weight. He's trying to get a job as a comedy writer and looking like he does won't help according to Howard.

  After Mike got a plug in for his book ''Malicious Intent : A Hollywood Fable'' Howard got around to the Gossip Game.. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:

  1. ''Will and Grace'' star Deborah Messing has decided not to wash her panties. Instead, she sends them all out to be dry-cleaned.
  2. Sean Penn still isn't over his relationship with Madonna. He recently lit up a cigarette somewhere and someone told him he might go to hell for it. He told the person that he was already in hell when he was married to Madonna.
  3. Richard Simmons revealed that his curly mop-top hair is actually 1900 hair plugs. He lost his real hair after losing 123 pounds years ago.
  4. Jerry Seinfeld pulled up to The Improv comedy club and went right up on stage to test out some new material. He started to do some marriage jokes but soon found out the crowd was all gay. He didn't see the sign out front that said it was a ''special night'' for gays. He had to change his material.
  Howard, Robin and Jackie all went with number 4 while Vin the Retard went with number 1. Fred went with number 2. The actual false story was number one. Vin was as happy as a retard that he won.

  After the game Howard took some phone calls to kill some time. Vin didn't have much to say so he just sat back and listened.

• Dr. O's Libido Lotion. 3/3/00. 8:30am
  This gynecologist who wanted to be known as Dr. O called in to promote his web site LibidoLotion.com. Howard thought he had this lotion that would get women hot for guys. It turns out it's an oil that women rub on themselves to enhance their testosterone levels so they can get worked up for their men. At first Howard said that all the guys in the audience would want to know about this stuff but when he found out what it really was he changed his tune. It turns out you need a prescription for this stuff so it's not that easy to get. Women also have to watch how much they use or they can start growing body hair and breaking out with zits. Howard asked if women will grow balls from too much of it. Dr. O said ''no'' of course.

• John Stamos Calls In To Talk To Stuttering John. 3/3/00. 8:55am
  A couple of weeks ago John Stamos was in town and he somehow hooked up with Stuttering John. Stuttering John says that Stamos and Ralph ditched him at a club and he got pissed. Stamos called in and tried to straighten things out. He tried to tell John his side of the story but John had to argue over a lot of the details. Stamos tried to say that he didn't really invite Stuttering John and his 4 or 5 friends. It was Ralph who brought them along. But John says that Stamos did invite him and his friends. Long story short, Stamos admitted that he may have done wrong at the club when he let Stuttering John stand out side with Carrot Top and all of his friends for 45 minutes. Stuttering John still seems to be pissed at Stamos but said he forgives him. Gary pointed out that most of the problems in their stories all have to do with RALPH. John agreed but said that Stamos still could have been a little more courteous. After all of it John said he's forgiven Stamos and would go out with him again.

  Howard changed the subject to Barbara Walters at one point to get off of John and John's stupid argument. He yelled about what a horrible journalist Barbara is for kissing Jon Benet Ramsey's parents asses after doing an interview with them. He spent a few minutes yelling and screaming about her before moving on to other things.

• Two Stoned Women Come In. 3/3/00. 9:45am
  A little earlier in the show these two women called in to tell Howard something about having a funny picture of Gary to show him. The first woman was acting all goofy and Howard asked her what she was on to make her act like that. She didn't answer and handed the phone over to the other chick. That woman told Howard that she was on ecstasy and the other woman was doing blow. Howard wanted to see what they looked like so he invited them down to the studio.

  When the women showed up their attitudes had taken a turn for the worse. They told Stuttering John on the phone that they'd get naked and kiss each other but when they got in the studio nothing happened. All of a sudden they were sedate and all they wanted to do was sit down in the studio. Gary told them they couldn't sit but they kept asking. One woman apologized for even coming down and ended up leaving the studio with no explanation. The other one finally got to sit down but there was nothing happening. She wouldn't take her clothes off and kept asking Howard to ask her questions. She eventually decided to tell a story about having a ''fling'' with Harrison Ford but then she denied having a sexual relationship with him. Gary reminded everyone that she was on ecstasy so she might not be in her right mind. Howard suggested that perhaps it wasn't Harrison Ford but Harrison Chevrolet. KC got really angry with the woman and called her a ''sack of crap'' for lying about what she was going to do on the show. He also goofed on her looks. When a caller asked the woman what ecstasy does for you KC yelled out ''It makes you ugly!'' Gary tried to find out how old the woman was because he thought she looked around 40. She claimed to be 28 but then said she's 31. Eventually Howard got sick of trying to get her to do anything so he kicked her out. He also yelled at KC for his unfunny ''sack of crap'' comments. He told KC he's not funny and he should keep his mouth shut.