Howard started off the show asking if everyone was doing okay today. He checked in with Jackie after Fred played a few of his ''Oh OH!'' audio clips. He and Fred had some fun with those clips for a little while. Howard had him saying one ''Oh'' for yes and two for no. Then he was asking him about a bunch of wacky things.
Howard said he needs a day off and he was just telling his agent that last night. He said he wants to take some days off because he's feeling sicker and sicker. His agent agreed with him but didn't do anything about it. He said he'd like to take about a month off so he can just get this movie done with. If he did that the whole radio station would fall apart.
Howard said he hates every second of every day because of this illness. He said he just wants to be laying in bed and resting. He's putting in like 17 hours a day doing this radio show and the movie at the same time. He said he thought he could do it but he was wrong. He tried doing it with the WOR TV show and pulled that off. This is just killing him though.
Howard said he knew he was in trouble when he heard the alarm go off. He wasn't looking forward to doing the live commercials this morning. He said that the owner of the station was calling him a wimp after he missed one day from the illness. Robin said that guy is running around looking for something to do, he has no idea how many hours Howard is putting in.
Howard asked the guy what he says to himself. He said he just talks out loud and says some weird stuff. He said he kind of knows what's happening but he can't control it. He was looking for some help from Richard Simmons because he's not even able to leave his apartment. He said he can't go down the stairs because he's so heavy. He asked for Richard Simmons to come out and help him.
The caller was saying that he has a neighbor who helps him get food and stuff but he abuses him so that's no good. Howard asked him what kind of food he eats. He said he likes the poo poo platters from the Chinese food restaurants. Howard said that he's not ordering steamed chicken like Robin does, he's eating the stuff that's fattening.
The caller said that his neighbor is just a filthy cab driver. Howard said that the guy is getting him food though. The caller's neighbor helps him get cleaned up sometimes too and has prostitutes clean him up once in a while. Howard told the guy to get out of there and go get some exercise. The guy said he can't do that because he's so big. Howard told him that he should just eat 3 meals a day. He suggested shredded wheat for breakfast, just a small portion. Then the guy said he doesn't have a refrigerator so he can't keep milk and stuff like that.
Howard and Robin told the guy it sounds like he just wants to have problems. He doesn't want to get help. The guy said that the guy who helps him out actually brings in a rake to clean up after him. He treats him like an animal. Howard said he's going to pass along his name to Richard Simmons just to get him off his back.
Howard said he was going to pretend to be Richard Simmons and talk to him. He went into his Richard voice and started acting like he might act. Then the guy got upset and said he didn't want to talk to Howard anymore because he was making fun of him. He hung up on Howard.
Howard said that he doesn't get why these people don't just cut down on their meals. He said that the guy sits around all day and he could just not eat if he wanted to lose the pounds. He said that everyone in this country seems to have a problem and they want other people to take care of them. He and Robin spent some time talking about that guy.
Howard said he has another guy on the phone who claims he lost his virginity to his aunt when he was 13. He had another person on the phone, Jesse, who had some sexual harassment problems at work. He got her on the line but had some problems with the quality of the phone. He asked her if she has another phone in the house so he could hear that one. She switched phones but Howard had her change back. He said it sounded like she was talking softer before.
Howard asked Jesse what she looks like. She said she's been told she looks like Sharon Stone. Howard said she is a good looking girl. He said that he just saw her in ''Casino.'' He said that movie was actually pretty good and Joe Pesci was really good in it. He talked about some of the scenes in the movie where Joe was stabbing a guy in the neck with a pen. He said he thinks that the guy isn't really even acting, it seems to real to him.
Howard asked Jesse to come down to the studio to tell him this story. She was in Florida though so that wasn't going to happen. Howard asked her how tall she is. She said she's 5'6'' tall and 130 pounds. Howard told her that's a little heavy. She said she's got a 38-C cup size and a big ass as well. Howard said he figured she did.
Jesse told her girlfriend to shut up so Howard's interest was renewed. He talked to her about her lesbian relationship. He asked her where she works and found out she's in the shipping and receiving field. Howard figured she wasn't so bright then. She said she's very intelligent.
Howard asked her what she wore to work and if she likes to dress provocatively when she's at work. She said she does like to do that. She told Howard she went to a Halloween party for work one time and got dressed up as a hooker. She said she was trying to pick up this co-worker of hers and said that she was always very open about being a lesbian. She said everyone knew and this one woman would talk to her about masturbating and things like that. Jesse said that the woman was huge, like 5'10'' tall and 300 pounds.
Jesse said she was sitting at her desk and the fat chick came in dressed as the devil and started talking to her about her fishnet panty hose were. She looked up at her and then she realized that she was at eye level with her big bush. She said it was just awful. Howard figured that she loved it. Jesse said that she was disgusted by it and felt it was sexual harassment. She ended up getting fired a few weeks later. Howard cut her off and said he thought the story was going somewhere, but it wasn't.
Howard said that he wishes that some fatso would show him her vagina. No one shows him anything. He's basically waiting to be sexually harassed. He said that the people listening to his show don't want to hear about fatsos. They want to hear about hot lesbians.
Howard said that he's been sick for a few days now and last week, when it was really bad, he had to cut some commercials. He said he was all sick and they really needed the commercials. He walked into Scott's studio and he had been smoking like 2-3 packs of cigarettes. He said he turned to Tom Chiusano and told him he's not going to cut the commercials because he can't breathe. He said that he couldn't even do it in a good room, never mind Scott's smoky studio. He said that he told Tom that they have to stop Scott from smoking in his studio or he's not cutting anymore commercials. Tom said he'd take care of it and now Scott can't smoke in there.
Robin said she was around when that went down and she heard that Tom was going to do that. Howard said he heard that Fred asked Scott how the smoking thing was doing so he figured he'd quit smoking. Then Scott said that he can't smoke in there anymore and he realized what had gone down.
Scott came in and said that his studio had become the smoking room so they all had to move to another room to do that. He said that he has to go to another room to do that. He said ''in the back'' which is a shop there at the station. He said that Richie smokes too so they all do it there.
Howard said he hasn't been back to Scott's studio since then even though he's not smoking. He said he'd walk into that studio in the past and there would be a cloud of smoke coming out. Gary came in and told Howard about some of the other guys who smoke with Scott and how they'd all gather in his room.
Howard said that Scott was saying that his union representative was coming down to talk about something else. He said that the rep came in to talk to him and had just showed up for no reason. Howard said the guy was even older than Scott and made Scott look youthful. He said that Scott was all excited about that because he finally had someone else to talk to back there. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Scott and making the ''Chhh'' sound that they think he makes. Robin said that she'll have to go back to the studio and check it out.
Howard asked Scott if he's upset with him about the whole non-smoking thing. Scott said he's really not mad, he joked that he thought Howard was a complete scumbag though. Howard asked Scott if it's tough for him to do his work when he can't smoke. Scott said it's not a problem. He claims he doesn't take that many breaks. Robin said that he has to smoke the whole cigarette at one time though so he must take a few minutes.
Jackie said that it must make you think what a ridiculous habit it is when you're just standing there smoking. Howard said they have to get a camera on him to see what it looks like when he's smoking. Robin said that way they could find out just how many cigarettes he smokes during the day. She said he may be going back there for 90 percent of his day for all they know.
Scott said that he looks at the equipment back in the shop when he's back there smoking. He does a little inventory while he's doing that. Robin said she's seen him taking his cigarette breaks and leans back in his chair and just closes his eyes.
Scott said that he and his wife don't smoke in the house, they go outside. Howard said it would be easier to quit. He said that Scott is 43 now but he doesn't think he's going to make it past 47. He said he's got cancer in his family so it makes things even worse. Scott said that the new place is going to be no smoking at all from what he heard.
Robin said that she heard Tom say that the smoke is no good for the equipment, he wasn't worried about Scott. Tom came in a short time later and said he feels like Gary, only hearing Robin's voice. Howard said that he had to put his foot down last week and he turned out to be the bad guy. Tom said that he broke the news to Scott and said that it would be for his benefit and for the company's benefit.
Gary thinks that Scott knew that the day was coming because he went down without a fight. He didn't try to keep it going at all. Howard applauded the fact that there's no smoking allowed back in there. Gary showed Howard what happens when they wipe a wall in Scott's studio. He showed him a towel that they used to wipe it down and it was filled with yellow tar. Howard said it was going to make him puke looking at that.
Howard said it's going to be funny when Scott is in a hospital dying. He said that he'll go visit and laugh at him. Robin said she won't be able to go. She said she won't want to laugh but she won't be able to help herself. She said she can imagine him laying there with a blow hole in his throat and she'll laugh at him.
Howard asked Scott if he thinks he's going to get cancer. Scott said if he keeps it up he might. He said he really doesn't think about it. He said he's going to try out the smoke free cigarettes. Howard said that he might want to take up heroin, that might be better for him.
Scott said that he's realized in the past couple of months that he's really addicted to smoking. He said he gets crazy when he can't smoke. Gary said that hypnotist Paul McKenna told him that he might be able to cure Scott's problem. Howard said they can give that a try when he comes in. Scott was up for it but said that he's tried hypnotism before. Howard figures that Scott will light up a cigarette during the hypnotism and Paul McKenna will probably end up smoking himself.
Howard said that it's great to see Scott taking all of this stuff. He just sits there and takes it. Howard said that Scott gets a really sad look on his face when they bring up cancer too. He brought it up again and had Fred doing the sad Scott face. Howard asked him if he wants them to come visit him in the hospital when he's in there with cancer. He figures that Scott will need the nurses to take good care of him so if they come to visit, they might think higher of him.
Gary said he's seen people use blow holes and it's really disgusting. Scott said that his father had to use one so he knows what it's like. Howard asked if his dad smoked through his blow hole. Scott said he didn't. Steve Grillo came in and said that his uncle is dying from cancer and they had to remove part of his lung and part of his brain. Steve said it's all from smoking. He had a tumor in the back of his brain. The guy uses one of those cancer kazoos to talk. Steve said his uncle has to be strapped into his bed every night because they don't want him leaving the hospital room and dying.
Howard said if Scott wants them to visit him in the hospital, they will do that for him. Scott said he'd appreciate that. He's not going to quit smoking even after all of this stuff was brought up. That led to Howard playing the song ''Brown Fingers'' that they had Scott sing. Fred and Howard were also in the song doing their Scott impressions. They went to break right after that.
Stacy said that she's a fan of the show and she'd do Howard if he were single. Howard said he wouldn't stop her from seeing other girls either. He asked her to go to Scores sometime and dance around with the other girls. Howard said that she's a real model and she can't even have her face on TV or anything. Howard asked her if she'd be in his movie. She said she would but Howard figured that she had never acted before.
Howard noticed that she was probably high and he was right. He said that she's the perfect girl for him. She said that she was out all night too. Howard asked her about living out on the farm and then coming to New York. Howard told her she's going to be burned out by the time she's 28 years old if she keeps that up. She doesn't think that will be the case though.
Howard asked the lesbian chick if she had been with anyone famous. She said that she has been with some kind of famous guys but not famous enough for Howard to know who he was. Howard had her stand up and show off her body. She was 5'10'' tall and he said they'd make a perfect couple. He said that she could be his Sun Yee.
Howard told Gary to give her name to Gambling Dan so he could give it to the people at the movie. He said they might have a part for her but he didn't want to say what it was. Howard heard that she was living with a guy so he asked her if she lets him get in on the lesbian fun. She said she might consider letting him watch, but that's it. Howard said he'd be real sensitive to her if he was with her. He said that he'd touch her real softly and he's got nice hands because he's never done a hard day's work in his life. He touched her arm to show her how he'd be.
Howard said that this girl must be in love with him because he's like a sophisticated New Yorker to her. She said that she is in love with him and she wants him to go out with her. Howard checked out her waist again and let out a bunch of ''ugh'' sounds as he was thinking about her.
Howard asked Stacy about her first lesbian experience and how that all happened. She said that she had a boyfriend at the time. The town was really small, only 1200 people. Howard figured that she must have had a lot of guys checking her out in that small town. She said she was a bit of a Tom-boy but then said that she was a cheerleader. She said that the other girl was on the team with her. She said that they used to see each other in the locker room and she found herself attracted to the other girl. She'd see her in her panties and bra and looked good that way.
Howard asked her how the lesbian thing happened. She said that she didn't do anything with her, she did it with that other girl's friend. She said she talked about doing stuff with her but then she ended up going with two of her friends. Howard said that no judge would tell him he was wrong for having an affair with this girl. He said he could get out of trouble with a simple explanation.
Gary came in and said that Howard should check out the boyfriend because he's just a normal guy. Howard had him bring the guy in so he could see him. Howard couldn't believe that this guy was getting her when he saw what he looked like. Jackie said something about him looking like a pizza delivery guy. Howard asked her what she saw in him. He figured that she was just rebelling against her parents. Howard asked him how he got her. He said it was through a friend that he was up there with. Howard told him he's having a better life than he's having. The guy had a nose ring so Robin told him to get rid of it because it looked like he had something growing out of there.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks this guy is good looking. Robin said ''Oh god, no!'' when she had him take his hat off. Howard kicked him out a short time elater and said that some guys have all the luck.
Howard said he had to get moving because he had some other stuff to get to. He said that this girl is using the name Stacy today. Earlier he said that she was changing her name for the air though. He asked Stacy more about the lesbian stuff and how that all went down. She said that they had kissed before they went out this one night. She said that they were just doing some friendly kisses and it turned into more. She said they went home and started kissing in the cab. Then they took a shower together. Howard said he had to have her after hearing that. He said that he wanted to take her home and bang her. He said he's a man and he has to do it.
Howard asked Stacy about having her first lesbian experience. She said that they had actually planned that night. She said that they were always kind of flirty with each other and one of the girls started talking about it at school.
Stacy also said that her mother knows that she's a lesbian because she and her friend had sex at her mom's house and she overheard them doing it. She said that her mom told her that she'd heard things that night and started crying when she brought it up. She said that she told her dad too so he wasn't too thrilled about that. Howard figured that they must have freaked out about that. She said that they did kind of get upset. She said she lied and told them that it was just a one time thing.
Howard said that Stacy is out of control. He said that she must have been making a lot of noise for her parents to have heard that going on. Howard wanted to know about the two girls she had in high school but said she's got too many good stories. He wanted to go back to her apartment with her today as long as she hasn't going to tell on him. She promised.
Howard asked about the two girls that she'd had sex with in high school. She said that they went back to the one girl's house after high school graduation and then one of them had some liquor so they got drunk. They all got naked and did each other. She said that the lights were off and no one knew who was who so it was very cool. Howard told her she has to get out of there, he can't take it anymore.
Howard said he thinks that he might like this girl more than any other girl he's ever met. He asked for a hug before she left. He said he really would date her in a minute if he could. He said her body is amazing and she said that she doesn't even work out. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Stephen if he was naked right then and told him he was so hot when he heard he was in his underwear. He asked him to strip down for him so Stephen pretended to do that. Howard then went on to talk about all of the Baldwin brothers. Stephen said he just golfed with a few of his brothers the other day. Howard talked about what some of the other brothers are up to with women and stuff like that. Howard said that if he was at a family reunion, he'd have to take a masturbation break with all of the hot chicks around.
Howard asked Stephen about working with William Shatner years ago. Stephen said that Shatner was a real prick. He said he went to do a press thing and Shatner was doing his Rescue 911 thing at the time. He said he went up to him and said he didn't want to bother him but wanted to let him know that he was a big influence on his career. He said Shatner looked at him like he was a valet and rolled his eyes and let out a ''pssh.'' He said he just kept his hands in his pockets and barely recognized he was there.
Stephen said that he's had other run-ins with people like that but this one was the straw that broke the camel's back. He said that he's only William Shatner and even Kevin Pollock does a better Shatner than even Shatner does. Howard said that Shatner has been on the show a bunch of times and he's always been a good guy. Then George Takei will come on and say that he was a real prick to everyone on the set of Star Trek though.
Howard said that Stephen does this pool tournament thing every year to raise money for charity. Stephen wanted to plug it but he'd thrown out his notes and had to dig them out of the garbage. He thought he was going to remember what he wanted to talk about. He said that they have Tupac Shakur, Christina Applegate and others coming to play. He rattled off a bunch of other names of the celebrities they had coming to play. Gary then came in and said that he hated to be rude but they had to clear the line for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard said that they should definitely clear the line for that. Stephen said he'd clear the line for that himself.
Stephen told Howard a story about Arnold. He said that every time he sees the guy he thinks about how he's seen him since he was a little kid. Howard tried to rush him through the story so he could clear the line. Stephen said he went up to Arnold and Arnold told him that he liked his movie ''The Unusual Suspects.'' He was close, it was ''The Usual Suspects.'' Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said the one thing he doesn't like about rap guys is when they put their own names into the song. He said it's like a pompous thing to do. He goofed on Wyclef about that a little bit. He said he wouldn't even be listening to the band if that chick wasn't in it. He thinks that she has a great voice. Robin agreed. Howard said that when he hears her voice his hand goes to his lap. When he hears the guy's voice, his hand goes to his wallet.
Howard said he kept repeating that song for like an hour and a half when he was in his dressing room at the movie. He was having make-up put on and couldn't repeat it himself. He told his assistant Jodie to just keep hitting the repeat button.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the song was from the Stephen King movie ''Sleepwalkers'' and the music was originally from Enya. He told Howard it was track 12 on her album. They tried to find the album and ended up talking about the Enya thing a little bit.
Howard played the song a little more and talked about what he'd like to do to that chick in bed. Fred said that he'd probably like to have her waiting for him in bed like a baby bird with it's mouth open. Howard said he liked that analogy.
Howard said that he's such a nut when it comes to that kind of stuff. He said he's all sweaty and clammy talking about the chick thing.
Howard asked Wood Yi to come back in with another weather update. Wood Yi did his moist and wet thing again. It was the same clip from earlier in the morning. He wondered what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it seems that he's blown them off. Howard said he was just going to have Robin get into her news if that's the case. He said he had a lot of stuff to talk to Arnold about. He went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Arnold if he can bring up the Penthouse pictures with Vanessa when he's working with her. Arnold said that when they're on the set they're rehearsing their lines, that's it. Arnold said he did see those pictures when they were in the magazine though. Howard said that he met her one time and even he was afraid to bring it up. Arnold said that those pictures are from the past so he didn't bother her about it.
Arnold said that Vanessa is really good in this new movie, ''Eraser,'' and he thinks that she's going to have a great career in film. Howard talked to Arnold about working with Ivan Reitman since Ivan is working with Howard on ''Private Parts.'' Howard told him that Ivan was impressed with the space they built him to live in at the set and told him that even Arnold doesn't get that kind of treatment.
Howard said he read that in German the name ''Schwarzenegger'' means black penis. Arnold said that's not quite right and it would be something else. Arnold went on to say that he's going to be in New York next week and they're going to have a premiere for the movie. He said they're going to have a great time and he hopes that Howard can make it.
Howard wished Arnold luck playing Mr. Freeze in the next Batman movie. He said that he's sorry that Arnold has to work with George Clooney on that one though. He said that George makes for a bit of an effeminate looking Batman.
Howard said he heard that when you wrap a movie you have to buy the whole staff a gift. Arnold said that he's done stuff like that and once ordered 250 watches for the whole staff of a movie. Howard wrapped up with Arnold and gave him a plug for this new ''Eraser'' movie. They talked about some of the people who are in the movie and let him go a short time later.
Gary said that Arnold has a cool move he does where he won't answer a question if he doesn't want to, he'll just bring up something else about the movie. Howard said that he was answering some of the questions though.
One guy wrote in about the lesbian chick interview and was turned off when he heard Fred's wife come up. That led to Howard asking Fred what's going on with his wife. Fred said that right now they're ''just trying to co-exist'' with each other. He's not sure if they'll be getting a divorce but things aren't going that well. When Fred goes home he says Allison isn't there. She's out ''stripping for people'' while doing her acting thing. Howard said that maybe this will help them out eventually. Fred said that they have a lot of problems they have to work on. He said he's not crazy about her doing that acting job where she's almost stripping for people.
Fred said that when he married that woman, she was not stripping. He said he didn't know that she was capable of doing that either. He doesn't like that she's not home when he gets home either. Gary said that he was talking to Tom about Fred's marriage and how he's hoping that he can live on half his income if he loses that to his wife. Fred said that the good thing is that they don't have kids.
The guys talked about what might happen if Fred did get divorced. Howard said it would be funny if he was one of those guys who got married like 8 times. Fred said that he'd be the Larry King of the Stern Show if that happened.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She went through a bunch of stories before wrapping up. Howard was going to end the show but Robin added one last thing about the Chicago Bulls which got Howard and the guys talking for a few more minutes. They ended the show around 9:35am (Master Tape Theatre time).