Mark's Friggin' Stern Show News

Howard Stern Show News Archives. March 1996

3-29-96. Sorry, I was on vacation. 3-29-96. Mark on vacation. I'm trying to get tapes of the show to give an update a few days late.
Ralph trying to end Howard's marriage? 3-28-96. Dumb assed dick boy, Ralph, did something that blew Howard's mind. Ralph made up a list of things that Howard would need to have in his trailer during the filming of his movie. Ralph made up the list of shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste and other bathroom supplies. He put the list in Howard's in-box at his house. Howard's assistant read it and to her surprise the list also said CONDOMS. Howard's wife also picked up the list and saw that. The thing is that Howard doesn't use condoms when he's with his wife so it looked like Howard may be cheating on his wife! Howard came home late, got his dinner and went down to his office. He picked up the list and freaked out. He said that he was holding his head just saying ''OH MY GOD OH MY GOD'' Over and over again. Howard explained it to his wife and everything was okay. This morning he came in and started telling the story. Ralph was clueless! He popped his ugly head in the studio and said ''what did I do?'' Howard told him to get out until he was ready. A few minutes later he came in. Ralph thought it was a funny joke and didn't understand why Howard got so upset. How stupid can someone be?
Kenny, the ex-producer, from Albany. 3-28-96. Kenny came in to meet Howard in person this morning for the first time. This is the guy with the drinking problem. Yesterday he had his last beer and a half. Today he's supposed to start his rehab. Howard was surprised to see what this guy looked like. He said that he kind of looks like Ned Beatty from Deliverance. I guess he was kind of porky. Howard asked him if he ''played the pink flute'' last night also. Kenny said that he didn't. So anyway, I guess Kenny will be back after his rehab to update us on his progress.
Howard the faith healer. 3-28-96. Early this morning Howard did his impression of Pat Robertson the TV evangelist. He had seen him late last night when he couldn't sleep. Later in the show some guy down in Texas called in and asked Howard to try to heal his son. The guys son was in an accident and was thrown out of a car at 70 miles per hour. He's in a coma right now. The guy said that if Howard spoke directly to the kid he might come out of a coma. The kid was a big fan of Howard's and they have a radio playing right next to him in the hospital room. If this guy calls back with good news, I'll let you know.
Robin getting another colonic this weekend. 3-27-96. Howard asked Robin when her next colonic was coming up. She told him that she'll be getting the colon wash this weekend. Some doctor called in to tell Robin why she's got this thing about keeping her 'hole clean. He says it's probably because of her molestation as a child. He also says that after one cleaning, the colon stays pretty clean and it's not necessary to do it over and over again. Robin disagreed and wouldn't let the guy get a word in. Howard told Robin to shut up and let the guy talk. She was saying that doctors prescribe all these medications that damage other organs. She went nuts on the poor guy.
Jackie Mason comes in. 3-27-96. Howard's favorite comedian, Jackie Mason, was in today. Howard threw out a few names for Jackie to comment on. The first name was Pat Buchanan. Jackie says he likes him. Jackie says that ''people say that Pat Buchanan is prejudice, he only hates jews , that's okay'' Jackie says that Al Sharpton is too loveable to hate. He thinks that Mike Tyson was railroaded in to that rape case. He says that he doesn't know anything about Rosie O'donnell so he can't comment on her. Jackie on Jackie(the Jokeman) ''he's great... as a comedian, I don't know...'' Jackie on Steve Allen ''.. He literally brought back my career...''. Jackie gave his opinion on David Letterman and Jay Leno. He says that Jay is one of the best stand-up comedian's in the world. Letterman is hipper and sharper as an interviewer. And on the Academy Awards, ''...a terribly boring show...'' So there we have it. What is it with Jackie Mason's accent? How annoying is that? Why Howard finds him so damn funny I'll never know.
Christopher Darden in the studio. 3-27-96. Former O.J. Simpson prosecutor, Christopher Darden, came in to plug his book ''In Contempt''. A couple of weeks ago Christopher and Robin went out on a date. Today Robin said that she'd go out with him again if he asked. After his interview he told Robin that he'd give her a call. We didn't learn much from Christopher's appearance today. He's still not talking about the Marcia Clark thing. This was a relatively tame interview. A couple of people called in to yell at Christopher about the way the case was handled. Dominic Barbara called in and said a few words of praise for Chris but said that the fault of the prosecution team was that there was no real leader. Blah blah blah.
Stuttering John at some Academy Award function. 3-26-96. John went to some function where celebrities watch the Academy Awards on TV. He wasn't allowed to get close to any of the celebs so he just yelled out his questions while they ignored him. He got to yell out to Rikki Lake, Robert Goulet and a couple of other lame asses. It was kind of a waste of time for John and for Howard. Howard said that they need a backup person to ask questions from now on. Everywhere that John goes he gets recognized.
Corky calls in during deadbeat dad interview. 3-26-96. Howard had on this famous deadbeat dad on this morning. Corky called in to yell at this guy and to say that he should be thrown off the air. He says that anyone that doesn't support their kids, no matter what the wife has done, is a piece of garbage. Personally I agree with Corky even if he's a friggin mental patient. The deadbeat dad was a boring interview by the way, you didn't miss anything here.
Dueling Speech impediment banjos. 3-26-96. After playing a sound bite of Kirk Douglas from the Academy Awards, Howard told Fred that he should throw together a bit with Elephant Boy, Kirk Douglas and Quentin the Stutterer. Fred being the amazing Martian that he is, threw together a dueling banjo thing with bits of each guy thrown in. How he got it done so quickly amazes me. And it was pretty funny. If you didn't see the Academy Awards last night then you wouldn't know that Kirk Douglas can barely speak now since he had a stroke not too long ago. Here's a clip.
How long are Howards arms? 3-25-96. Howard mentioned that he wants to get a tattoo after he's done filming this summer. He said that his arms look too feminine. He went crazy and said that his arms are like 20 feet long. He said that he needs something to ''masculine me up'' Then he says he wants to measure how long his arm is. Baba Booey comes in and measures... 33 INCHES! From under his arm to the tip of his fingers. Then they measured Baba Booey's arm... 22 inches! Damn his arms are long!
Stern Show Academy Awards for Phone Callers. 3-25-96. Howard decided to give out an award for the best phone caller from last week. Here are the nominees:

Corky and his crying routine about his soon to be ex-wife.
Ian the drunk Russian and his babble about nothing.
Kenny the Albany station producer.
And the winner is... Corky! Corky's stupid phone calls got him a friggin award! Howard talked to him again this morning to tell him that he won and to get yet another update. Corky said that he may be getting 60 days in jail.
Howard on Imus. 3-25-96. Last week, Imus the douche, did a comedy thing in front of the President of the U.S. and basically wasn't funny. Howard made that fact VERY clear to everyone this morning. He played old songs about Imus and what a loser he is and he played pieces of Imus on C-Span. Everything was very unfunny and Imus was reading off of a script. He barely had laughs during the thing. Newspapers blew the whole thing out of proportion by saying that Imus was outrageous. Imus said a couple of things about President Clinton that were pretty lame. The rest of his 35 MINUTE routine was very unintelligible and unfunny. Howard pointed out that Imus is in 15th place in the NY ratings while Howard is number 1! Everyone says that the two of them compete in the NY market but how can that be competition?
Ken the Albany ex-producer update. 3-25-96. Today was the day to pick a rehab program for Kenny. Kenny was teaching the new producer how to run the station since he was fired last week. Howard got a couple of guys on the phone that run rehab programs in the New York area. They both pitched their programs to Kenny. One program was located in the Hamptons on Long Island. The Hamptons are a very ritzy area on the Island. The guy said that they'd fly Kenny in to the place with his family. Kenny chose the other guy. Go figure! Howard was curious about Kenny's bi-sexuality so he started in on him. He asked him if he ever took it up the rear. Kenny said that he'd never done that, he's only done the oral sex thing on guys. And they always wore a condom. Kenny says that he's about 75% women and 25% men.
Howard's Oscar picks. 3-25-96. Here's Howard's picks for the Oscar awards tonight. Some of them are predictions and some of them are people that he'd like to see win.

Best Picture - Apollo 13
Best Director - Tim Robbins
Best Actor - Sean Penn but Nicholas Cage will probably get it
Best Actress - Susan Sarandon(not because she deserves it)
Best Supporting Actor - Brad Pitt
Best Supporting Actress - Mira Sorvino
Best Original Screenplay - Braveheart
Kenny the Albany Station producer F's up again. 3-22-96. A few weeks ago this guy got balled out by Howard because he wasn't getting the show on the air on time. At the time, Kenny told Howard that if it ever happened again he'd quit. Well this morning the show didn't get on the air up in Albany until 6:25. Howard called Kenny later in the morning to ask him what happened and to ask him for his resignation. Kenny sounded pretty depressed when he got on the phone. He apologized and told Howard that he couldn't get there on time because of some personal problem. He later told Howard that the problem was alcohol and drugs. He said that he needs to go somewhere to clean himself up but he can't afford it. Howard, being the kind-hearted guy that he is, felt sorry for this loser and offered to help him out somehow. Kenny also told Howard that he's bi-sexual! Eventually, Howard got offers from a bunch of places that are willing to help Kenny out. Howard wont have to spend any of his own money. Howard said that this is the last time he does something like this for anyone.
The real Kramer, Part 2. 3-22-96. Yesterday, Kramer was plugging his stupid Kramer tour around New York City. Today he was yelling at Howard because Howard didn't treat him very well. Howard said yesterday that he wouldn't go on a tour like this. Robin said the same thing. Kramer went nuts today because he thinks that Howard should treat him like royalty. F-Kramer!
More on Robins Bunghole. 3-22-96. After yesterday's revelation about Robin's colon cleaning story, Howard's assistant, Kathy, told Robin that she has done the same thing for years! But she does it a little differently, she does it at home! Kathy explained, in detail, how she setup her ''pickle barrel colonic''. She uses a pickle barrel to store the diluted coffee mixture that she uses to flush out her bowels! She said that the little ''paunch'' that people get on their stomachs is caused by built up ''tar'' in your colon. Kathy uses a ''colonic board'' to get herself cleaned out. She lies on some kind of board that's propped up on her toilet. The coffee water then runs up a tube in to her butt and then in to her toilet! This is nasty! They're both nuts! Kathy brought in pictures of the stuff that comes out of people. Howard almost puked when he looked at the pictures! Kathy also says that you can be cured of things just by cleansing your ass! Some guy called in and said that all of this is very dangerous and unhealthy. He said that the body is ''self cleansing'' but Robin argued about it like a mental patient.
Another Corky update. 3-22-96. Corky was on the phone defending himself once again. This guy really needs help. He called in to defend himself and tell Howard what a weasel Dominic Barbara is.This time Corky's attorney called in and had a conversation with Dominic. Howard just sat back and let the two go at it for about 5 minutes. He didn't say a word. After Corky's plea to his wife to drop the charges against him, she went out and tried to UP the charges! My prediction for this guy Corky: He'll kill someone, either himself or his wife.
Jaid Barrymore comes in to act. 3-22-96. Jaid Barrymore, Drews mom, came in to act for Howard today. Jaid got a job in the same play that Steve Grillo is in. Jaid is 49 years old and doesn't look a day over 30. She's been on the E! show and she really looks good. A couple of weeks ago, Steve Grillo was telling Howard a story about working out with Jaid. He said that Jaid can do 500 sit-ups in a row without stopping! So she came in this morning because Howard wanted to see just how well she can act. The guy that runs the play must want to get everyone related to the Stern show to appear in his stupid play. Jaid did a scene with some other annoying woman.
Robin's Colonics! 3-21-96. Very late in the show, around 11:10 EST, Robin heard Howard say something about his dootie and carrots. All of a sudden she thought of something that would send a shock through the whole country... Robin cleanses her bowels with COLONICS! She goes in to a doctors office and has a tube shoved up her ass and fluids are run through there to ''clean her out''. The reason that she thought of the whole thing was because one time, while being cleansed, the nurse said to Robin ''..oh my what is this orange stuff?...'' it was some carrots that Robin had eaten recently! When Howard said carrots, Robin just blurted out that she does these colonics! What an unpleasant surprise! Robin said that the nurse stands there and gives her a blow by blow of what's happening during the flushing. If there's any gas coming out, the nurse says ''..there's some gas, there's some corn..'' etc etc. Robin has had a desire to cleanse her self completely so she gets these things done. She gets in to a gown and sits with her knees up, on a table, they lube up a tube and they ram it right in there. She says that it doesn't hurt but it is a strange feeling. It costs around $50 and she gets it done every couple of weeks. She explained how the water goes in and comes back out like a pool filter. She said that sometimes the water that comes out is clear and sometimes it's not. She gets to watch the mess with a mirror! Oh my! This is disgusting! The nurse has to monitor what comes out of Robins ass. Howard says that he has to get this in to the movie. He said ''imagine Jackie getting a colonic...it pizza hut with the cardboard box!..'' Fred doing his Jackie voice says ''..look it's Timmy!..'' Damn, what a revelation!
Gilbert Gottfried in the hot seat(on the phone). 3-21-96. Early this morning a woman called in to complain about Gilbert. According to the woman, Gilbert goofed on the fact that her parents were in a concentration camp. She said that Gilbert was invited over to, movie director, Amy Heckerling's house for dinner. Amy has directed Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Clueless. Gilbert wouldn't pay for a cab so Amy's assistant went and picked him up. During the ride the woman was talking about being a German Jew and brought up the fact that her parents were in a concentration camp and when they got out they weighed 80 pounds. Gilbert, being the comedian that he is, asked her how he could go on a diet to lose weight like they did. He also talked dirty to the director's 10 year old daughter and said things that couldn't be repeated on the phone. After hearing a bit of this story, Howard got Gilbert on the phone to verify the story. It turned out to be totally true. Gilbert continued his jokes about the holocaust while this woman was on the phone. The woman said that she went home and cried that night because of all the things that Gilbert said. Gilbert also verified the fact that the woman looks like Howard! Yuck! Gilbert has to be one of the top 5 guests on the show. Every time that he's on there are tons of laughs.
The real Kramer. 3-21-96. If you watch Seinfeld then you know who Kramer is right? Well that character is based on a real guy named Kenny Kramer. Kenny called in this morning to plug his tour. Kenny brings people around to the real places that are portrayed in the TV show. The real Kramer doesn't enter rooms like the TV Kramer, he enters '' like a human being ''. This guy sounded as mental as Melrose Larry Green! He went wacko when Howard was trying to get off the phone. He was yelling to Howard, ''...come on the tour Howard, you'll love it, I know you watch Seinfeld...'' Sure he likes the show but who the hell would want to go on a tour like this?
Sally Kirkland begs for a part in Private Parts. 3-21-96. Sally Kirkland called in this morning to beg for a part in Howard's upcoming movie, Private Parts. Sally is an old, washed up, big chested actress that has been on the show before. She once ''auditioned'' for a part in Fartman the movie. I think the only reason that Howard likes Sally is that she has really large breasts. She's so annoying! Howard doesn't want her to play herself in the movie so she recommended that she play an angel. Shut up you annoying witch.
Ucrops Grocery in Richmond Va. 3-20-96. Howard went on a tirade about this grocery store in Richmond Virginia today. According to an article that Howard skimmed today, the owners of this grocery store have been writing to sponsors of the show telling them that Howard's show is no good for children and they should boycott it... They picked the wrong man to screw with. Howard went off on these two morons. He read a letter that a listener sent to the two owners. It basically told them to concentrate on something that they know a little better, Groceries. These people are so worried about keeping children safe from the bad things in life but the listeners letter pointed out that they sell Cigarettes and junk food. Howard wouldn't tell the listeners in Richmond to boycott the store but he hinted at it. He said ''my listeners will know what to do'' So if you live anywhere near Richmond, don't shop at Ucrops Grocery.
Bob and Ray return! 3-20-96. After a long absence from the show, Bob and Ray returned today. For those of you that don't know who Bob and Ray are, let me see if I can explain. Howard puts on a harmonizer which makes his and Robins voice's very low. They become 2 guys named Bob and Ray. The real Bob and Ray used to be a comedy team decades ago. Anyway, with their voices really low they just talk about manly stuff. Today's talk was about guns and skeet shooting. ''Bob and Ray'' were saying how they want to shoot their shot guns. Howard(Bob) in his deep voice said ''I'll use a 10 gauge... I love when I fire my 10 gauge and my balls rattle...''. Bob and Ray's appearance came in the middle of a conversation about guns and shooting skeet. Howard said that the one thing about shooting skeet is that nothing gets killed when you shoot those clay things. They said that they should get some road kill and fling them up and shoot them. Robin said they should get Timmy. Bob and Ray returned to say that they'd like to start a man's club to shoot stuff at. The only thing you need to get in is ''two testicles''. There'd be steam rooms and a place with imported endangered species that you could shoot. They'd have a special chef that could cook endangered species. Fried Rhino balls would be a special treat. Bob and Ray left so that Robin could do the news.
Charity the Scores girl. 3-20-96. Charity, a 20 year old stripper(full C cup), came in this morning to explain her relationship with Charlie Sheen. Howard said that she looks like Lauren Holly, Jim Carrey's current mate. Just to ruin the whole story, before it started, Howard told us that Ralph actually got to make out with this really cute girl. Turns out that Ralph even got to feel her up a bit! I think I'm gonna puke. So this hot little piece of ass met Charlie Sheen at a hair place and he made a move for her. They went out that night and had sex that night. She moved in with him 4 days later. She said that he's a ''5 incher'' and he's not that great in bed. After a short time they stopped the sex thing and she was just living in the house. Charlie was getting it on the side with other women. Charity said that she went out to the pool house one day and there was another woman sleeping on a cot in there. That's when she realized that Charlie was getting it somewhere else. While she was staying there Charlie would give her some money to go shopping. She said that in the couple of months that she was there he gave her about $10,000! And when she was asked to move out she was given another $5,000! Not bad for a couple months of ''work''. Some of the money was spent on breast implants for Charity. That may have been the reason for the no-sex thing. She was bandaged up for a while.
Phone call screening mess. 3-20-96. For some reason Howard has decided to make the show sound a little more professional by screening phone callers. One of the best parts about calling Howard was that there weren't any screeners. On some of my calls, I didn't know what I was going to say until Howard picked up the phone. Now I have to have a subject to give to the ''screener''. But this morning Howard freaked out on Stuttering John about his screening process. John was getting a couple of callers lined up for Howard and then he'd bring in a piece of paper to describe the caller. Howard yelled because John should get one caller and bring in the paper. Howard hates when he gets callers that ask him ''how are you Howard?'' and ''is this really Howard?'' so now he wants to screen. The only problem is that the screened callers are just as bad as when he just plunks down the phone randomly. F-Screeners!
Corky update. 3-20-96. Corky called in again today. Yesterday he was turning himself in to the police. This time, Bloated Attorney, Dominic Barbara also called in to tell Howard that Corky was badmouthing Howard in the courtroom. Corky denied everything but I think that Dominic was telling the truth. Dominic said that Corky was yelling about how Howard ruined his life by having Elaine on his Miss Howard Stern pay-per-view. I'm sick of this a-hole. Hey Corky, shut up and forget about your stupid wife. I'm tired of writing about this jerk.
David Letterman makes his first Stern Show appearance. 3-19-96. Yes David Letterman finally showed up on the show today (THIS APPEARANCE WILL BE ON E! TONIGHT!!!!). Howard has waited 12 long years for this and it was worth the wait. I thought that David would be awkward and weird like he is when he calls in on the phone for Howard's birthday show. He seemed as relaxed as he possibly could be. He was very entertaining and funny. I'm sure that The Interactive King Of All Media Newsletter will have a better written article than I could possibly write. I can't put in words how good the show was but I'll try. During the commercial break just before Letterman's appearance, Dave stuck his head in the studio and said that they told him not to come back there so he did anyway. Just the start of his nuttiness. Howard said that he thought he'd never see Letterman in the studio. Dave came in with his assistant ''Diamond'' Her name used to be Laurie Diamond I believe. (Missing partial write up, not sure what happened)...n uses Howard's show as a ''pre-interview''. Well Dave pretty much said that it's true. Richard Simmons is a prime example. Dave said that he never wanted him on his show until he heard how Howard handled him. Pat Cooper is another example. Dave never had the guy on until he was on the Stern show for a while. Early this morning Howard took questions from listeners for Dave. Dave answered a few of them. One listener wanted to ask if Dave's hair was a wig, well Dave's hair is really his hair. Dave was also arguing about short wave radio and the internet with Howard. The subject of Tom Snyder came up and Dave said that when Tom decides to leave TV the time slot is Howards to take. Howard asked Dave if he'll appear in his movie for about 20 seconds. Dave said he'd do it but who knows if he'll actually show. Dave said that he came on the show because Howard had done so many nice things for him and all Howard asked for in return was for Dave to come on the radio show. Dave's appearance was so good that the E! people are going to put the first part on TONIGHT!
Jim Belushi drops in. 3-19-96. Jim Belushi came in to plug his new movie ''Race The Sun''. Howard and Jim talked movies and ex-wives. Right now Jim has a 28 year old girlfriend who was very reluctant to come on the air. Near the end of the interview she came in and spoke a tiny bit. I guess she must be cute. Howard brought up an article that reported Jim would be getting $16 million to star in a TV Sitcom. Jim was surprised at the amount and basically denied that he would be getting that much money. Duh! He doesn't even make that much when he does a movie.
Corky calls back. 3-19-96. Corky called in this morning from a pay phone across from the police station that he was going to turn himself in at. Yesterday he made his plea to his wife about dropping the charges against him. Elaine wouldn't come on the air yesterday but Gary spoke to her off the air after the show. She says that she doesn't want to come on the air and there's stuff that Corky's not bringing up that she doesn't want out in the open. So Corky made his last pleas for the charges to be dropped today but they didn't do any good. Right now Corky should be in jail. Good luck you retard.
Ian the annoying drunk Russian. 3-19-96. Ian is a phone caller that used to call in to the office every single day to complain about Howard and his opinions. Ian just mumbles on and on about nothing and everything. He hadn't called in in quite some time...until this morning. He called in and complained about Howard's political opinions. He was comparing Howard's opinions from when Howard was about 9 years old to his opinions now! This guy just rambles on and on until Howard hangs up on him. It's actually pretty funny for about 5 minutes.
Corky calls in. 3-18-96. Corky is better known as the husband of Elaine Marks, Miss Howard Stern 1994. The two are now separated. This guy's real name isn't Corky, Howard just calls him that because he looks like that retarded guy on that ABC show from a few years ago. Corky called in to complain that he was going to jail, AGAIN. Seems that Elaine's new boyfriend is a cop and he doesn't like Corky. At least that's what Corkey says. This guy had a beautiful wife and child and he blew it. He was way to overprotective and he lost his Playboy model. While he was on the phone he said that maybe Howard could talk some sense in to Elaine but they couldn't get a hold of her. I'll keep you updated with any new developments in this soap opera.
Stuttering John and Mary Tyler Moore. 3-18-96. John got a one on one with Mary Tyler Moore at some Juvenile Diabetes press conference. Here's the first question. ''Do you badly that David Letterman is doing so poorly?'' she gave some lame answer. Second question, John goes in to a major stutter and says that he's a big fan. When he says that it means that the tough questions are on the way. ''Can you believe that Julie Kavner has a hotter career than Vallerie Harper'' Mary went along and answered John politely, sticking up for both of them. Third question, John says ''my mom is a diabetic so if you answer these we'll give you a nice big plug''...''What research did you do to play a retard?'', Mary said that she played a brain damaged woman but didn't correct John about the retard remark. Fourth question, I can't believe she's hangin in! ''Can you estimate Rose Marie's weight?'' Mary said that she didn't know that she was fat. Next question, ''What happened to your career?'' OUCH! Mary rolled with it! She said that she now has time to do other things instead of working all the time. More time for bad plastic surgery I guess. Last question, ''Was Menopause tough?'' DOUBLE OUCH! Mary still hung in there and said that she didn't know that it had even happened so it wasn't so tough. John got a hug and told Mary that he was a big fan. John got to speak to the princess of Denmark a little later and told her that his mother was Danish.
Painting 'O Green 2. 3-18-96. Megan, a 20 year old waitress, came in a few days late to get her breasts painted green. At first Howard didn't want to do the painting because she was late. After a learning a little bit about Megan and her 33 year old boyfriend, Howard broke down and painted some shamrocks on her breasts. Megan and her divorced boyfriend met at his ice cream store when she was 17. Megan used to work for him when he was in financial trouble. She would work for no money! Megans parents don't talk to this guy, I wonder why...lucky son of a bitch. Howard said that this girl is really cute but the boyfriend isn't so good looking. Everyone in the studio thinks that she'll find some other young stud and leave him. This guy wouldn't clue us in on how he let his wife know about the young babe. He was tight lipped about the whole thing. Howard put some finger cotts on and painted up Megans breasts. He kept saying that she must be excited, I guess her nipples must have been erect!? Howard said that his wife never gets in this condition.
Jackie and Baba Booey in Dallas 3-18-96. Jackie and Gary made their way down to Dallas to be Grand Marshall's in some parade. They said that the streets were lined with people holding up signs that read ''F-JACKIE'' and ''F-TIMMY''. There wasn't just one or two, there were a lot of the signs around along with t-shirts and buttons.
Stormin Freley visits Johnnie the 'tard again. 3-18-96. Stormin Freley headed out to visit Johnnie the retard from Ohio. This time he was going down to pick up a leather jacket that he left there to have some work done. It turns out that Johnnie's family runs a leather reconditioning place and Stormin left his jacket there. Howard said that Johnnie's mom was interviewed in some paper and had bad mouthed him. Howard had Stormin put Mrs Fegan on the phone and asked her if and why she bad mouthed him. She said that it was just a bad day when Stormin was down last. They had just buried a mother-in-law the day before. She was pretty cool with Howard on the phone but Howard said that tomorrow there would probably be a horrible article about him in the paper. Johnnie wasn't around to get the horn beeps.
Howard's first girlfriend. 3-18-96. Howard's called his first girlfriend, Robin, to rub it in her face that he's got a movie coming out next year. She seemed very impressed with how famous Howard has become. After she asked who would be playing her in the movie, Howard said that he took her part out of the script. I think he was serious. She said that she'd like to go out to lunch with him sometime. Howard said that he'd like to do that but he doesn't go out anywhere. They'd have to eat at the studio. Howard's wife must have been listening, she called in. She sounded jealous and said that it wouldn't be such a good idea for them to go out to lunch.
Mystery Guest. 3-15-96. Howard found out who the mystery guest was so he ran the bit this morning. Fred went first and asked if the guy was in TV, he did some tv but doesn't have his own show. Jackie was next and asked him if he was a sports star. Robin's turn came and she blurted out 'it's John Kennedy Jr.' She said that she recognized his voice because she had watched a biography about him on A&E last night. So anyway, John F. Kennedy Jr. in the studio is pretty awkward for Howard since he always busts on the guy about how he doesn't work. Apparently John wrote a note to Howard saying that he has a good sense of humor and would love to have Howard on the cover of his magazine, George. Howard thought it would be cool and did it. He met John John at the photo shoot. John seemed to be pretty cool with Howard but he wont be showing up on the E! show. He doesn't want anyone to see his face near Howard's I guess. Howard asked which of the other Kennedy's are fans of his. I guess none of them, the subject changed. Near the end of the interview, Howard brought in all of the horny women from the offices at K-Rock. They were all speechless. What the hell is it about this guy?
Painting O' Green/Orgasm contest. 3-15-96. Howard painted a total of 2 women today. One woman who said that she looked like Bo Derrek turned out to look like Rodney Dangerfield according to Howard. This woman had called in on the phone a couple of days ago and said that she was 31. Today she says that she's 40. I guess it showed. She took off her fur coat and had on what was described as a Danskin with the breasts cut out. As Howard went to paint them green, he said that he was ready to puke. When he finally got the guts to paint them she did her best orgasm. Howard thought the orgasm was pretty sexy but she was still a pig. Two other women came in just for the orgasm contest. They didn't want to do the Painting O' Green. Their orgasms were very 'non-sexual' according to Howard and Jackie. The prize for the best orgasm was tickets to the rain forest concert. The pig won. Another woman came in around 11:00 to do painting o' green but it was a very short bit. Howard was in a rush to get the hell out of there.
Seven Mary Three came in to play a song. 3-15-96. For those of you that don't know who Seven Mary Three is, just listen to a metal station for the song 'Cumbersome' and that's them. They came in to play an acoustic version of Cumbersome and another song 'Devil boy'. Howard thought that the Devil song was written for him but after the song he figured out that it wasn't. The guys just dedicated it to him. They sounded good except for the beginning of 'Cumbersome' which was still in the delay buildup for some reason. I guess someone must have cursed and Howard hit the 'dump' button. That friggin delay sucks.
Painting 'O Green tomorrow! 3-14-96. Tomorrow is the big breast painting for St. Patrick's day. Women come down and Howard paints their breasts green. If you know anyone that wants to participate tell them to get down to the studio early!
Auction day.3-14-96. Today was the first day of auctioning off crap from Howard's back office. They have tons of stuff in the back office that they would normally throw in the garbage. They decided to auction off the stuff to listeners. The first item up for bid was a box of golf balls. Why would anyone want golf balls you say. Well the golf balls have Howards name and picture on them. Tom Chiusano was the first bidder at $100. Howard went to the phones and started taking bids. The bidding quickly rose to $500 and then ended at $700! For GOLF BALLS!? During the auction they had some auctioneer music in the background. Howard noticed that the guy sounded like he said ''ni**er''. Howard just kept repeating it over and over. A black man called in and complained about Howard repeating the word. Howard started in on the guy with his 'black voice'. The guy eventually gave up. More stuff will be up for auction in the near future.
Irish Broadcasters interested in syndicating!? 3-14-96. Some Irish broadcasters came in this morning and told Howard that they want to bring his show to Ireland! Howard gave them his agents phone number and sounded really interested. He didn't give them a phony phone number as he usually does with people that he's goofing on. Maybe he's serious! Maybe not, the guys have never run a radio station before. I guess they want to start something cool in Ireland. Howard is kind of scared of the IRA coming after him. Ireland sounds wacky! They get a 10 year license for their radio station and they can do anything they want to! After the 10 years they go up for renewal and if they're doing well they get another 10 years! Howard says to these guys ''Do you know what the national pastime is for the Irish?'' there's a pause and Howard says ''Throwing up!'' With the Irish guys came a Swedish guy that Howard goofed on for a while. The Sweed won a trip with the Irish guys to come to the states.
More about George Magazine. 3-14-96. What the hell is Howard up to? This morning Robin asked Howard about seeing his picture on Entertainment Tonight last night. Howard still insisted that he knew nothing about it. He kept it up for about 10 minutes but eventually he gave in. He says that he had a bit planned around the whole thing and that it wouldn't be happening until next Monday. He wouldn't say what the bit involved. He also said that he met John F Kennedy Jr. George Magazine people told Howard that they wouldn't leak the information to the press but I guess they just couldn't hold it in anymore.
STOP THE FRIGGIN PRESS' 3-13-96 8:00pm. So I was wrong about Howard doing the cover of George Magazine. I just watched a report on Entertainment Tonight that verified the Page 6 report. Howard will be on the next issue of George and the issue is about virtue. Howard is on the cover dressed in a George Washington-like outfit without the white wig. He's holding a chainsaw and there's a tree all chopped up under his feet. I believe that the issue goes on sale March 26.
Raggin on Soupy Sales. 3-13-96. Howard spent a good part of this morning ragging on this old man. Howard used to work with Soupy at NBC back in the mid 80's. Soupy is an unfunny asswipe that bashes people like Pee Wee Herman and now Jim Carrey! He said in some article that Jim Carrey isn't funny and that his movie ''Ace Ventura 2'' sucked. Howard thought that this guy has some balls talking bad about someone when he's so unfunny. He pulled out an old record of Soupy's and played it for a while. There wasn't one funny thing on the whole album! F- Soupy Sales!
Heidi VonBeltz. 3-13-96. I think this woman should change her name to Heidi Von Boring! Howard thought that having on Ray Liotta's ex-girlfriend who was crippled in an accident years ago would be kind of fun. It was the worst interview with a woman ever. All this woman wanted to talk about was rehabilitating paralyzed people and her friggin book. At one time there were 2 other paraplegics's on the phone debating this womans ideas. She thinks that anyone that has been paralyzed can eventually walk if they work hard enough at it. These guys think that people shouldn't spend the rest of their paralyzed life trying to walk when they could just get on with their lives. Who cares how they live their lives! Everyone wanted to hear about her sex life and we didn't! I don't want to think about being paralyzed.
Howard to appear on the cover of George Magazine? 3-13-96. Don't pay attention to me. I don't know why Howard denied this today...On Page 6 of the New York Post there was something about Howard appearing on the cover of George Magazine. Howard say's that he doesn't know anything about it. George Magazine is run by John F Kennedy Jr. and I don't think that Howard would do the cover at this point if ever. Howard has said lately that he's going to lay low for a while until the Movie comes out.
Trivia contest...Gary vs. Howard. 3-13-96. Gary and Howard agreed to a trivia contest this morning. Howard thought that he's better than Gary. They decided to pull out Trivial Pursuit and go at it. Howard say's that he always chokes on the air, that would be his excuse if he lost. The first question was about the first movie produced with sound, Gary knew it. The next question was ''what type of betting is used in horse racing?'', Howard guessed ''Parlor Betting'', Gary came up with the correct answer of Paramutual betting. Okay, next question, what's the former name of JFK Airport, Gary couldn't pronounce the correct answer, Howard did Eidelweild!(or something like that) Next question... What future Georgia Governor chased 3 blacks from his diner in 1964, Howard couldn't answer, Gary couldn't answer. Score is now 2 to 1. ''What writer was nicknamed PAPA?'', Howard said ''Nick Nolt'' Gary answered ''Ernest Hemingway' Correct. Next question ''What building built in 1897 contains 327 miles of bookshelves?'', Howard answered ''The Smithsonian'' Gary came up with the correct answer of ''The Library of Congress''. Next question ''What was the infamous pseudonym of William Bonnie?'', Gary answered ''Clyde Barrow'' Howard thought the same thing. The correct answer was ''Billy the Kid''. Next question... ''What cleaned like a white tornado?'' Howard knew the answer of ''Ajax'' And the next question ''What was the name of Superman's dog?'' Howard knew the answer of ''Krypto'' Howard rubbed it in the face of Baba Booey who didn't have a clue to the answer. Score 4-3 Gary in the lead. Science question ''What do Gorillas do when they get nervous?''. Howard said ''They Pee!'' Wrong...Gary's answer ''..They play with themselves?'' Wrong. They beat their chests. Okay score is still 4-3. Another science question ''what was the first apollo mission to orbit the moon'' Gary answered ''Apollo 7'' wrong , Robin started to say the answer and stopped mid sentence. Howard said he was guessing when he said the correct answer ''Apollo 8'' The argued about it and dropped the question. Next question ''Who left the mystery of Edwin Drood unfinished?'' No one knew the answer ''Charles Dickens''. Yet another question ''what movie featured the characters Charlie Alnut and Rosie Sayer?'' Howard didn't know, Gary didn't either. The Jokeman knew ''African Queen'' . Next ''What mountain erupted to destroy Pompei'' Gary got it with '' Mount Vesouvious'' Howard wanted a fair match off so they brought the score up to 5-4. Almost the Last question ''who moderated the first Nixon - Kennedy debate'' Howard got it with ''Howard K Smith''. The last question ''What US city was called the birthplace of the skyscraper?'' Gary says ''New York'' Howard said ''Chicago'' Correct and that was the win for Howard.
The return of Andrew Dice Clay ... and the Jackie feud! 3-12-96. The Dice man has returned to the Howard Stern Show after a looong absence. Dice ran off to do a TV show on CBS a while back. While he was doing the show, the high-ups at the show told Dice to tone down a bit to fit in to the family oriented Television network. So he avoided being ''The Dice Man'' for a while but couldn't hold out any longer. Dice told Howard this morning that the producers of the show would eventually write in his ''edge'' in to the character once the sponsors and audience were all there. Dice said that the show just basically sucked and the writing sucked. The promises that were made to him never came through so he just gave up on it. Dice called Howard a couple of months back to wish him a Happy New Year. Howard mentioned that fact on the air and Jackie made a stab at Dice saying ''..I wondered how long it would be until he came crawling back to the show...'' Well Dice didn't appreciate that comment and let that be known to Jackie today. He started in on Jackie about his making CD's in his basement and that he didn't know any comedian in the business for 20 years that made friggin CD's in his basement. Then he insulted Jackie's wife saying that she was ''pan-handling'' for him so that they could make a living. Jackie insulted Dice by making fun of his hair loss and his weight. Jackie's insults weren't really up to the level that they should have been. Jackie wasn't really trying too hard for some reason. Jackie also said that he was sorry that he had made the original comments. The feud went on for a couple of minutes. Dice is filming a special for HBO tonight, ''Assume the position'', that will air on May 10 at 10:00 pm. The show will be at The Palace Theater in CA tonight at 8 and 10:30. He say's that he's going to bash Jackie in the show and it may end up on the special. Jackie doesn't care because his motto is ''Any exposure is good exposure''. Jackie said that people should go to the show and yell out F-Jackie. We'll see. Later in the show Howard told Jackie that he could have busted on the guy for a ton of stuff other than his hair and weight. Just watch one of his movies!
Warren Littlefield calls in! 3-12-96. Warren Littlefield, NBC's President of programming, called his friend Howard this morning. He just wanted to call in and say hi and brag a little bit about how good NBC is doing. Littlefield says that he's casting for pilots for the upcoming TV season and he's been talking to Howard's agent, Don Buchwald, looking for talent. Warren say's that he's happy for Howard and his new movie. Howard pitched a new idea at Warren called ''Molested Friends'' , Warren didn't go for it. Howard pitched another... ''Retarded Route 66'' Warren didn't go for that one either. Okay another... ''Jokefeld'' instead of Seinfeld we have Jackie the Jokeman, a broken down comedian. Jackie came up with a show idea called ''Bald and Over'' starring Dice Clay! OUCH! Just to let you know, Warren said he used to be a truck driver! Now look at the guy!
Suicide guy update! 3-12-96. Warren Littlefield asked Howard what happened to the guy from yesterday who wanted to commit suicide. Howard said that the guy sent him a fax and that the guy thanked him for ''talking him down and making him laugh'' .
Pick out the Jew. 3-12-96. Howard says that he can pick out a Jewish person walking down the street just by looking at them. Well, they brought in about 7 people, picked off the street by Stuttering John, to evaluate. There was like 2 women and a bunch of guys. Robin, Jackie and Fred all joined in on the fun. Each one of the crew wrote down their guess' and read them off. Turns out that Jackie can pick out a Jew better than Howard! Jackie only got 2 wrong while Howard got 4 wrong! Robin came in with 5 wrong and Fred checked in with 3 wrong.
20 year old breast implant woman. 3-12-96. A 20 year old woman that has 5 month old breast implants sent Howard a letter that said she wanted to show off her new assets to Howard. Howard called her and told her to come down to the studio as soon as possible. She showed up about an hour later. Howard asked her how her father felt about the implants. She said that he didn't mind them until they went on a cruise recently where she wore her old B cup sized bikini with her new C cup sized breasts! She was overflowing! She also said that when the cruise ship went through the locks of the Panama canal, she took off her top to show the guys at the canal! She did end up showing her breasts to Howard also. The whole studio applauded!
Stormin' Freley visits Johnnie the Retard in Ohio. 3-12-96. Some listener from Cleveland volunteered to go visit this guy Johnnie who's been in the news lately for waving to cars. This guy Johnnie has the mentality of a 7 year old and his only enjoyment is waving at the cars that drive by on his street and honk at him. Howard was curious to see how many people actually honk at this guy so he sent off Stormin' Freley with a cellular phone. Stormin' got to Norton Ohio but no one was around he drove around for a little while and stopped at Johnnie's house. Then as Stormin' got out of his car, Johnnie appeared! Stormin tried to talk to Johnnie but he didn't say much. As Stormin was trying to talk to Johnnies neighbors you could hear the horns blowing in the background. People were also yelling out F-Jackie! as they drove by. Stormin gave the phone to a few of Johnnie's neighbors and they told Howard that they were just fine with the car honking. One neighbor that refused to be interviewed, is against the cars honking every day and has tried to stop it by putting up a sign that says there's a noise ordinance in the area. That sign made the honking worse! The sign was eventually taken down. Stormin eventually got the address of the Mayor and went to visit him. Howard asked the Mayor how he felt about all this commotion, he said that there's no laws being broken and nothing can be done. Apparently the town that Johnnie is from is way out in the sticks and they don't even have water and sewer hookups. Howard found out that the Mayor only makes $9000 a year for his duties. So the honking will go on...Long live Johnnie the retard!
Another Suicide stopped by Howard! 3-11-96. Some 42 year old guy called in crying saying that he wanted to die because his wife left him. Howard told him that it sure as hell isn't worth killing yourself over. How good could she have been? Howard asked the guy how much money he makes a year, the guy told him about $100,000! Howard told him that he should find some young woman and forget about his old woman. Howard said that he committed suicide when he got married and he should start living now! A 26 year old woman called in and said that she'd date him sight unseen. The guy wasn't ready for that though. The guy was fine within 10 minutes. I think the guy just wanted to get on the air.
Robin dating Christopher Darden!? 3-11-96. On Friday evening some TV show reported that Christopher Darden was dating Robin Quivers. I thought it was some made up story but it turns out to be true! Howard said today that he knew but was keeping his mouth shut. That is until that TV show blurted it out. Robin told Howard that the editor of her book, Judith Regan, hooked the two of them up for a phone call and it lead to a date! Robin said that the two of them got along just fine but after the date nothing happened. They're just friends and they haven't spoken since the date. Christopher is a fan of the E! show and told Robin that while he was writing his book, he'd take a break and watch the E! show to get a good laugh.
Mike and Elana Beastie's date. 3-11-96. As most of you know, last Friday a 300 pound postal worker from Boston came in and ate a marshmallow out of Jackie's ass to get one date from Elana Beastie. Well they went out after the show on Friday and then again on Saturday. After the show on Friday they went out for coffee and the E! crew followed them. Marshmallow man kept on telling Elana how cool she was and how cool it was for her to go out with him. After the coffee they went to his hotel room and Elana complained that her back was hurting so Mike rubbed her down. Howard asked him if it got sexual, Mike told him that it didn't so Howard called him a homo a few times. Mike even rubbed her ass and didn't get any off of her. The two of them went out to the All Star Café to eat dinner and ended up dancing somewhere. Saturday they went to some S&M club called The Vault and had another good time together but Mike still failed to get any off of her. Elana told Howard that she told Mike that if he got in some sexual swing that he could get some. He didn't. Elana gave Mike a kiss after everything was said and done and that was that until this morning. Elana felt bad for Mike this morning so she tongued him once just for the E! cameras. Elana was plugging some bar that she works at called The Courtside Cafe located in Brooklyn. One thing that Howard didn't pick up on was the fact that Elana said that she was going to go visit Mike sometime soon in Boston.
Shaving advice from Howard. 3-11-96. A couple of weeks ago Howard was saying how when he shaves his face gets ripped up by the razors that he uses. Gary came in and told Howard to use the Gillette Sensor and to use it while in the shower. Howard tried it out and this morning plugged the hell out of the stupid thing. He said that he uses the Gillette Sensor with Clinique shaving cream and it does wonders on his face. Stuttering John said the same thing, he's been using it for a couple of years now and loves it. Later in the show, someone gave him a rating list for razors(probably out of Consumer Reports) that rated the Gillette Sensor Excel as the best and the Bic razor as the worst. Howard's advice on how to keep hemorrhoids away by wiping only 3 times made a lot of people happy so I thought I'd put this advice on the page also.
Emilly and Debra's air shift canceled. 3-11-96. Howard decided over the weekend that he doesn't want his kids to have their own air shift on his station as reported last week. He say's that he doesn't want to work 6 days a week and that no one at the station was really in to the idea anyway. I was looking forward to hearing them, oh well.
George/Bob the stroke guy gets a tattoo. 3-11-96. This is the guy that had a stroke after doing some crack. He decided to get a tattoo of the K-Rock logo put on his arm. The guy was in today to show it, and a bunch of other tattoo's, to Howard. Howard said that the guy has a bunch of them on the arm that he can't even move.
300 POUND MAN EATS MARSHMALLOW OUT OF JACKIE'S BUTT! 3-8-96. A 300 pound postal worker from Boston came down this morning to eat a marshmallow out of Jackie's ass just to earn the privilege to meet Elana Beastie from Howard's ''Butt Bongo Fiesta'' video tape. This guy called in last week and volunteered to eat the fluffy white stuff out of Jackie's butt to get one date with Elana. After speaking to Mike for a few minutes Howard had Jackie stick the marshmallow in his naked ass and sit on it through a 5 minute commercial break! After the commercial break Jackie tried to remove the white fluff from it's warm hiding place but the heat from his ass melted the marshmallow in to a sticky white mess that no one could eat. They then pulled out a fresh marshmallow and stuck it ''down low'' in Jackie's crack. Mike sat in his chair and attempted to remove the marshmallow with his mouth. He then got on his knees and shoved his nose right in to Jackie's ass! Jackie jumped a mile in the air and Mike ate the marshmallow and washed it down with some Poland Spring! After another commercial break, Howard brought in Elana to meet the 300 pound man. Elana and Mike seemed to hit it off and they'll be going out and having some fun. Elana likes to beat her men and I think Mike doesn't care what she does to him. Elana is single right now so she can do what she wants with this guy. Good luck Mike! Later in the show Jackie was telling Howard that it was kind of enjoyable to have that thing stuck in his butt. Howard wanted to see if his would melt like Jackie's did so he stuck one in his bunghole for a few minutes. Howard's came out in one piece. Of course Howard had to take a whiff of it, it stunk so he threw it at Jackie.
Stuttering John and Johnnie Cochran. 3-8-96. Stuttering John went to a Johnnie Cochran thing at Nassau Community College yesterday. John's first question to Mr. Johnnie was ''would you have represented Hitler for the right price and what do you feel about people that beat their wives?'' The audience realized that it was John and some started to cheer, some booed him as Cochran tried to answer the questions. Johnnies answer ''I don't think anybody should beat their wives... I think it's wrong...I'm the founding chairperson of the domestic violence council in Los Angeles county... with regard to Hitler I guess you're asking me would I represent anyone ...no I can pick and choose who I represent in a free society...'' After John asked his questions he wasn't allowed to ask another so Doug from E! was there with John. John made Doug go up and ask the next questions. Doug's first questions... ''...Pleasure to meet you.. How do you feel about married men who have affairs with women and impregnate them?'' Johnnie's answer ''well I think that we all make mistakes and I think that you should pro'lly refrain from that if you can keep from doing it..'' Some guy behind John was going nuts when he heard the questions. Next question from Doug ''...would you let your own daughter date O.J.?'' Mr Johnnie answers ''...He is in his 40's and my daughters are in their 20's so I would pro'lly encourage them to date someone more their own age...'' Some guy then started pushing Doug away from the microphone but he got one more off... ''...any strange things happen during the trial like did you ever smell alcohol on F. Lee Bailey's breath or did pictures of Marcia Clarke naked get passed around or did any of the female jurors ever send you love notes?....just curious...'' The audience is ohh'ing and ahh'ing through all of this. Johnnie didn't answer that one and Doug was moved away from the microphone. John decided to yell out another tough one.. ''where was O.J. going in the Bronco with the disguise the cash and the pistol?'' No answer until later when John went up to Johnnie and put the mic in his face. Johnnie told John that it was a stupid question and said not to ask him something like that. John asked yet another question ''...is Arnel Simpson a 'piece' or what?'' Johnnie ignored that one also. John yelled out a couple more without response ''did you ever see small animals nesting in Robert Shapiro's eyebrows?'' ... ''did you ever send a thank you card to Mark Furman?''
The latest Gary f-up. 3-8-96. The latest thing that everyone can goof on Gary with is his pronunciation of Nick Nolte's last name. Gary came in the studio yesterday and mentioned Nick Nolte pronouncing his name NOLT. Robin thought that Gary's microphone had gone out or something but as usual it was just Baba Booey saying something stupid.
Robin's TV movie update. 3-8-96. Robin will be in an NBC movie called ''Deadly Web'' on April 15. She plays the head of a computer software company. Check your local listing for the correct time of airing.
G. Gordon Liddy promoting some crap. 3-7-96. G. Gordon Liddy was on promoting a board game of his own design today. G Gordon has his own radio show as a result of him being such a good guest on Howard's show. He started out on a Washington D.C. Station and is now syndicated in 175 stations around the country.
Howard's kids to get an air shift! 3-7-96. Howard played his daughter's radio show for Tom Chiusano this morning. Yesterday he played it for Andre the program director. Tom says that he'll give them a try. Howard called his daughter Debra and asked her if she'd be interested in the job. Debra said okay and wanted $1000 for a 4 hour air shift! Tom talked Howard down to $260 for each kid. Debra did let it slip that Howard wrote their jokes for them though...but that's what make it great. Their delivery is great. The kids should be making their live on-air appearance within the next couple of weeks.
Letterman to make an appearance! 3-7-96. David Letterman should be coming in to the studio, for the first time, within the next 2 weeks. Howard started off the show by telling us that Letterman will finally make his way in to the studio for an appearance. Howard has tried to get Dave in to the studio for a very long time but he's never gotten closer than a phone call. I guess Dave has finally seen the light. Now that Howard has his movie deal, Dave must think of him as an actual entertainer instead of a big tall goofy bafoon.
A New Bit...finally! 3-7-96. It's been a while since Howard and the crew have brought us a new radio play. But today was the day for ''Mandingos Over Broadway'' Starring Woodyee, Sun Yee, and O.J. as himself. O.J.'s part is just done with sound bites of Howard's interview with him. The bit starts off with Woodyee banging Sun Yee, O.J. comes over to audition for a part with Woodyee. Sun Yee and O.J. do the audition together. O.J. must pretend to choke Sun Yee but he actually does choke her and eventually the police come over. Woodyee tells O.J. To tell the cops that they were in the front yard petting the dog. The cop comes in and says ''who killed the slope head?'' O.J. just keeps repeating ''I was in the front yard petting my dog'' eventually Sun Yee wakes up, turns out she wasn't dead and everything's okay. I know that this description isn't funny...but trust me, it was a funny bit.
Robin's Music. 3-7-96. Thousands of people wonder where Robin's music came from. The music played when Robin goes in to one of her speeches or in to the news... Anyway, Robin said today that someone told her that the music came from ''...the movie or the mini-series Buccaneers...'' Now if someone would just get the music and make a wav file out of it, many people would be happy.
Ralph's Jingle. 3-6-96. Ralph's got his own jingle now that makes fun of everything annoying about him.(ZIP'd WAV 233 KB) Available later tonight!
Robin and Farting. 3-6-96. After Howard let one rip this morning, Robin told Howard that she never farts in her clothing! She says that the only place she farts is in the bathroom. She actually gets up, walks to the bathroom, pulls down her pants and lets 'em rip. Jackie thinks that she does it because she's had some ''accidents'' in her panties over the years. Robin says that's not true and she really doesn't have much gas to release. Howard farts so much that his sweat pants smell like a fart. The other day he had to change sweats because of the stink. He also says that he likes to smell his underwear in the ''crotch area'' when he sits on the bowl to take a dump. Jackie says to Howard ''You're a dog!'' I agree Jackie. Now that I read what I just typed in... I think I'm gonna puke.
Emilly and Debra on the air... 3-6-96. Howard's mother station, 92.3 K-Rock, has been asking listeners to send in tapes of themselves doing a radio show. They're looking for someone with talent that's not a professional. Well Howard brought in a tape this morning of a couple of young girls doing some great intros to songs. They sounded great and didn't even sound coached! It turns out to be Howard's two oldest daughters, 12 year old Emilly and 9 year old Debra! Howard must have helped them with some of their bits because they were really funny. Howard had Andre the program manage come in and listen to the tape. He sounded like he was impressed so Howard called his kids. He let Andre tell them that he was really impressed with their stuff and that maybe there would be a slot for them on the air. The only problem is that Andre has to check with Kevin from Los Angeles to get the okay. Howard told Andre to get to work on it or some other radio station would grab them up. Howard's kids are more entertaining than any other DJ's in New York City. It might sound ludicrous but it's true.
Howard signs a contract...Finally! 3-4-96. Check out The Interactive King Of All Media Newsletter for the latest!
New Studio soon? 3-5-96. As reported yesterday by The Interactive King Of All Media Newsletter, Howard has signed a 5 year contract with Infinity Broadcasting. Howard sounded as if he was making a huge mistake by signing such a lengthy contract but it was the only way that Infinity wanted him. Infinity basically told him that if he didn't want to stay for 5 years, they didn't want him at all. So I was curious to hear if Howard's new contract included a new studio setup since he's complained about how outdated everything is now. Well when I called in and asked him if he would be getting a new studio along with his new contract he said yes. He didn't sound too confident about it though. Robin asked if there would be new equipment in the new studio. Howard went on to describe some audio software that he could have for Fred to use. Infinity has this money making machine and they just refuse to spend money to get in to the 90's. Howard was saying that Infinity just spent like $700 million on new stations and outdoor advertising but they wont spend it on his studio! At the end of my call I gave Howard another ''F-Timmy'' for the road.
Shane the Dallas Stripper. 3-5-96. This morning's show was interrupted in markets with a satellite feed in the middle of the interview with Shane. Shane is a stripper from Dallas that called Howard a couple of weeks ago to tell Howard how hot she was. Howard dared her to come in and show off her DDD breasts. Howard even managed to cop a feel of her implants. He actually felt her breasts and then told Gary to feel them but he didn't want to get in trouble with his wife so he asked if he could touch them with his elbow! Then Fred touched them with his Sharpie pen and Jackie did it with his head. Waht a wacky bunch! Shane showed up today ready to show off and talk up a storm. This girl wouldn't shut up! She went on and on about some of the wacky customers that she's had over the years. One guy came in and asked her to kick him in the nuts. She figured she'd just give him a little tap but he told her to kick with all her might so she kicked him so hard that he fell to the floor crying! A couple of days later the guy showed up to get his nut kicking AGAIN! Howard said that he wants to hook this stripper up with Lonny from Scores to get her a job. Shane is also working on a book which will include her stories about wacky customers.
Howard's favorite PORNO! 3-5-96. Howard discussed his favorite porno movie, ''Tough Task'', with Robin this morning. Howard says that this is the porno that he loves to wack off to. It doesn't contain any good sex scenes but is filled with bondage. The movie was filmed in a barn and you can hear race cars in the background hauling ass around a race track. The main character in the movie, Master Bill Majors, just ties up this reporter woman and tortures her by tying her to a tree and sticking a ball in her mouth. He also puts some kind of bra on her that has nails in it that poke her breasts. Howard was describing a scene where the guy puts rubber bands around her breasts so that they look like torpedoes. Jackie kept asking Howard ''What the hell is wrong with you?'' Howard seems to love this movie. Hey, whatever turns you on.
Howard signs a contract...Finally! 3-4-96. Check out The Interactive King Of All Media Newsletter for the latest!
Robin Robbed!!! 3-4-96. Robin's purse was stolen recently when she set it down for about a second. Robin was at a restaurant when she had to set down her stuff to reach for something. When she went to pick up her pile of stuff, she immediately noticed that it was too light. But it was too late, the purse was gone in a flash. Robin said that someone was calling people that she does business with assuming that the person was looking at the business cards in her purse. It turns out that the person was trying to get in touch with Robin to let her know that they had found the purse and they were going to return it to her. Robin being the stubborn bitch that she is, wouldn't talk to the person on the phone. She thought that it might be the thief trying to get in touch with her to get ransom or something. Last year sometime Robin's purse was also stolen at a restaurant when she set it under her seat and some Gypsies ran off with it. Gee Robin... maybe you should lock yourself to your purse!
1995's Worst Hair! 3-4-96. Howard was awarded first place in someones list of the worst hair for 1995. Among the other winners..or losers were David Letterman, Cyndi Lauper, Candice Bergan, Nicole Kidmann, Charo!?, Dianne Keaton, Joan Collins, Loni Anderson and Marcia Clarke. The winners for the best hair included Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, John Travolta, Hugh Grant, Winona Ryder, Tia Leoni and Kathy Lee Gifford.
Porno whore finally shows! 3-4-96. Last week Jasmine, a porno star, was supposed to drop in to audition some guys for a role in her upcoming record attempt. Jasmine is going to attempt to 'satisfy' 300 men in 24 hours! The previous record was 231. Within 15 seconds after entering the studio Jasmine had her top off and was showing off her D sized breasts. Jasmine was telling Howard that she saw his picture hanging on Corey Feldmans(Lost Boys, Stand By Me) wall and wanted to masturbate to it but Corey wouldn't let her. Howard then asked Jasmine if she had ever seen Corey's wiener. She hesitated at first but then let out the secret. Corey's wiener is tiny, very tiny. After the Corey Feldman story Howard brought in the previous record holder, Annabell Chong. Jasmine knows Annabell already so there wasn't much there to talk about. The guys that showed up had their chance to audition for the movie in front of Jasmine and Annabell. Each guy was asked to pull down their pants to show the size of their weenie. Jasmine picked and chose a few of the losers that showed up. She actually chose one guy that Howard says is a midget. Another guy was playing with himself to get aroused enough to look a little larger.
People of Wisconsin!!! 3-4-96. Some guy called in from Milwaukee this morning and said that he can get the AM station out of Chicago. If you live anywhere around there and you've not been able to hear the show, Check out my list of stations for the station in Chicago. Just thought I'd let you cold bastards know this little bit of info.
FAT PIG BITCH SCUMBAG SCRAG FAT-HEADED C***. 3-2-96. Who am I talking about? Rosie O'Donnell or however you spell that fat pigs name. At a 20th anniversary party for Ivan Reitmans film 'Animal House' Rosie bad mouthed Ivan for taking on the directing roll on Howard's movie 'Private Parts'. Ivan defended Howard saying that this film is getting the same kind of controversy as 'Animal House' did 20 years ago. Another Director, John Landis, was actually moving away from Ivan like Howard had given the man aids! Rosie was yelling at Ivan and saying '..just wait 'till he makes fun of a rape victim that you know...' F*** you, you fat c*nt! She's just trying to get back at Howard for the things that he's said about that unfunny-life draining-pig bitch! Howard is right when he says that she drains every ounce of life out of any movie that she's in. She was unfunny on that VH1 show and she's still unfunny today. F--- ROSIE O'Donnell
The Sound Of Morons...the radio play. 3-1-96. Today was the first run of The Sound Of Morons starring Howard, Gary, Scott the engineer, Stuttering John and Steve Grillo. Each one of these morons got a line or two to read and then a song to mangle. Howard was the first up. This wasn't rehearsed at all so it was very rough. The action takes place somewhere in the radio station... Howard starts by saying that he hates his job and he's got too much pressure on him. Then he breaks in to song, to the tune of that song in the sound of music... 'I'm sick of my job ....and the sound of morons...etc etc. pretty lame actually. Next up is Gary. He sings to the tune of 'Doe a deer a female dear' ... 'Dope it's what my boff calls me... re re re retard it's who I am... me I'm such an imbecile....fa fa fahoey... etc etc.' He was the best of the bunch. Scott come in next and fucks up his song BIG time. He couldn't sing along with the music and he was off key by a mile. Here's what he tried to sing... 'Cigarettes... Cigarettes...I'm so happy to smoke you ... round and white... packed so tight ... I'm so happy to smoke you... etc etc' then came Stuttering John who was dressed like a Hasidic Jew with a beard and a hat. He sang to the tune of 'If I were a rich man'....... 'If I didn't stutter...ah ah ah ah ah ah ... all day long I'd ma ma ma ma ...I sound like a friggin dope ... Oi!.... If I didn't stammer ah ah ah ah ah ... Smarter than Gary I could run the show! ... etc etc' Last but not least was Grillo who tried to sing to the tune of 'Dream an Impossible dream' ... 'I have an impossible job... I have an impossible Boss... etc etc.' My ears are still bleeding from Grillo's singing. I wish that I could put the whole transcript here but my arms would fall off.
Teresa and Raphael. 3-1-96. These two met in line at Howard's book signing in San Francisco and are getting married within the next couple of days. Teresa was a virgin before this lucky bastard got a hold of her. Howard says she's pretty hot. These two wanted to get married on the show but Howard didn't think that would be the best idea so they just came in for a visit instead. I give the marriage 3 years tops.
The trip to Rome. 3-1-96. This morning Howard had a trip to Rome to give away so they came up with an idea for the rules to win. You had to count the number of times that they played Robins theme song between 7:30 and 10:00. At 10:00 they plunked down the phone and whoever had the correct answer won the trip. Some dude from NY won it with the correct number... 7. Seven damn times they played that stupid music in less than 3 hours! I only remember like two or three! And I listen to the whole damn show! I must be getting used to it.

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