Howard started off the show talking about that ''Nature's Way'' song as they were starting the show. He said he was reminded that Randy California just died just a few months ago trying to save his son from drowning and he drowned himself. Fred said that he pushed his son out of the way but got sucked into the current himself. The kid was 12 according to Fred. Howard said he never commented on that after it happened. Robin didn't remember him coming in and performing the song. Howard said he looked kind of homeless when he was in. Howard said that poor kid has to remember him saving him and then just going off and dying.
Howard said that everyone out there was really getting into it and there may have been some cars turned over when Arizona won. He said it was even white people doing the car flipping. There aren't a lot of black people out there from what Gary was saying.
Howard said that he had a good time on vacation and came back pretty relaxed but now he's back to normal and not enjoying work. He talked about going to the Grand Canyon when he was a kid and how he really didn't pay much attention to it back then. He has no desire to see what it looks like. He talked about how he thinks that people have to be insane to take a donkey ride down through the canyon. He'd never do something like that himself.
Howard said that he was on this hike with the guide at the Canyon and the guide didn't say much of anything to describe what was going on. The other person on the hike was saying that it showed the beauty of the desert when you go hiking. Then she'd stop and describe all of the different plants out there. He said he didn't care and just wanted to keep moving. He was getting totally frustrated with the whole thing.
Howard said that there were a lot of fat people on the hike and it was a 4 hour hike. He said that some of the women had to have been 100 pounds overweight. They went back to their rooms and didn't come out for days after the hike. He said he was doing the hikes out there but worked his way up to the 4 hour hike. He did a 2 hour hike, then the 4 hour and back to the 2 hour.
Howard said that he didn't care about the Grand Canyon and would only look at his feet while he was walking. Then he'd get back from the hike and go to the gym to get on a bike to get his heart rate up. Robin said that she used to do stuff like that too and work out like crazy when she was losing weight.
Howard said that the only reason he wanted to go on the hike was to stay thin. He didn't care about the view. That led to Howard talking about how the chicks on the hike were good looking and then asking if Robin thinks that he should get the fat sucked out from under his chin. Robin said that he looked fine and it's just a thing you get down there.
Robin showed how she's got some loose areas on her chin too. Howard said that when he did the Charlie Rose show he looked really good because they shot him from the right side. When he was on Larry King, they shot him from the left side and he looked awful. Jackie said he thought Howard looked fine on the Larry King Show but Howard said that Jackie doesn't even look at himself in the mirror and realize he looks that bad. He went off on Jackie's looks so Jackie told Howard his neck isn't the thing he should be worried about when he's looking in the mirror.
Howard and Jackie went back and forth on that stuff for a short time. Jackie was defending himself against what Howard said. Robin said that it looks like Sharon Stone has had some work done on her since she was in high school. Howard wondered why he doesn't get work done on himself. He said he might have to go in for some work, he'll be good looking even if it kills him.
Howard and Robin talked about how Sylvester Stallone looks like he's had some work done too. Bobo called in a short time later and asked if he thinks his career is growing even more after his hit movie. Howard said that they have added a few more stations lately and they have a bunch more coming up soon. He thinks his movie had a lot to do with that as well.
Bobo asked if there's going to be a sequel to the movie. Howard said that he was talking to Sheri Lansing from Paramount and she was telling him that he did a great job in this first movie and people are going to want to see him in another one.
Howard said he was at home reading every review about the movie and they were all very positive. He read a couple of notes from some of the articles and they were all pretty positive things.
Howard and Bobo also talked about this Manqueer guy out there and how Howard thinks he can crush him by this summer. He said that Manqueer is finally starting to talk about him but he figures he'll be able to shut him up soon enough when he crushes him in the ratings. They had to go to break a short time later.
The guy wrote that his mother-in-law was listening to the show. His wife also heard it and then his step-daughter took Howard's advice and left the house. She went to the police station and stayed there all day. The guy says that he had to take some drastic measures and had to leave the house. Howard said the guy thinks that Howard would have the same problem as he was having if he had a hot step daughter running around his house. Howard said that guy was talking about wanting to kill his step daughter so that was kind if extreme.
Howard said that the guy was amazed by what Howard discovered about him when he was questioning him on the phone a couple of weeks ago. Howard said they were able to help that girl get out of the house and away from that guy so that's what counts.
Howard said that if the station got ratings with music, they wouldn't have needed him to begin with. The caller also said that they have a DJ down there that does a show from 10-2 after Howard's show and she breaks in and says something very sarcastically about the show running overtime. The guy says that they cut the show off as soon as they start doing the plugs and then another DJ breaks in and freaks out when they hear the call letters from K-Rock. The guy said that they were really kind of bad mouthing him when they were calling him kind of long winded and stuff. Howard said that some of this stuff doesn't sound all that negative to him but they also don't need people knocking the show down there.
The caller was saying that they have this guy Jack Carter down there and he wanted to tell some stories about him but Howard told the guy that he was getting kind of bored with the stories. The caller went on to tell a story about Jack Carter and how he was on that station down there telling stories about Frank Sinatra and stuff like that. He made a crack about Howard's movie during that conversation like there was no interest in it at all. Howard said that Jack Carter never had a decent career himself. He went off on him for a short time and also went off on the jealous DJs that are goofing on him.
Howard said he doesn't understand why people in his own industry bad mouth him when he's paving the way for them to do the same type of thing.
There were other suggestions from people like putting bleach on your fingers before you go to the test and then piss on them as you give your urine sample. The guy on the phone took the advice from John about drinking the vinegar and gulped down a full cup, 8 ounces, of Heinz white vinegar while he was on the phone. He almost vomited while he was doing it though. It sounded pretty nasty. John said his friend had used that idea to pass his drug test and it worked. After the guy on the phone had gulped down his cup of vinegar, John told him that his friend had watered it down before he drank it.
Howard said the guy might want to stay away from the pot next time instead of smoking it just a couple of weeks before his test. The guy tried drinking some milk so Howard told him that will negate the vinegar so now he has to drink more vinegar.
Howard said he heard that LSD can't be detected in drug tests. He didn't know that. Jackie was saying that acid passes through your system and then you get high but when you smoke pot, it stays in your system. Howard and the guys has no idea what Jackie was talking about, it made no sense to them at all. Jackie said that he was saying that acid isn't detectable in drug tests.
Steve Grillo came in and said that everyone was calling in and saying that they test for vinegar in your urine these days so even that won't work now. Jackie suggested that the guy just go and get on the unemployment line instead of trying to pass this drug test.
Howard got back to the Jackie thing and tried to figure out what he was talking about. He asked Jackie what he was saying. Jackie said that when you take acid, it just passes through your system and it's undetectable. Howard said there was something else he was saying that he wasn't saying this time. Fred said that there was something else he'd added earlier but he was leaving it out now.
The caller said that he'd call back and let them know how his drug test goes. He gave an ''F-Jackie'' before he got off the line. Howard let him go and figured that they could have had him doing just about anything. He had to go to break after that.
Howard tried to take a call from a guy who had another suggestion for the pot test but he wasn't there. Howard said he had another caller on the phone who claims to be a hermaphrodite. Howard said that means the person has a penis and a vagina. The person was on the line and said that it's definitely a real thing and he/she has a full working vagina and a penis and testicles. She said she has given birth to two children but she's also able to ejaculate through her penis. Howard wanted her to come in but wanted to know more about this whole thing and how it all works. She said that they all work on her.
Howard said that the doctor must have suggested cutting off the penis so she could be a woman. She said that her mother didn't know what to do about it when she was born so she just left it. She said that they had to knock her out with drugs when she was born because of all of this. She said it's not a funny thing to have when you're a child. Howard told her that if she had just had the penis and balls chopped off, she could have had a normal childhood.
The woman on the line said that she was attracted to females when she was growing up and in school. She said that she's never had sex using the penis though. She said that she had some trouble giving birth because of this problem. She had problems sitting straight for months after that. She said that she had some tendons ripped and torn when she gave birth.
Howard asked her if the penis is big. She said that it grows to full size at times. She said that it looks like a penis when it's not erect though. She said that her boyfriend discovered it one night when they were drinking and she told him that he was out of his mind. She said that her mother raised her not to look down there. She said that she can actually urinate from a couple of areas. Jackie said it must be like a sprinkler.
Howard asked her to come down there and pee for them. She said she'd be willing to do anything for them. Howard asked her how old she was when the boyfriend discovered the penis. She said she was 43. Howard said that this story sounded crazy.
Howard asked her if she wanted to come down so she can find a date. She said that she'd like to go out to dinner with Howard but he told her that's not going to happen. Howard told Gary to set her up to come in tomorrow and put her on hold.
Howard said that story sounded hard to believe but she seems to believe that it's true. Robin said that she was saying that it has kind of a turtle effect and it kind of hides when she's not excited. Howard said he got some pictures from a fan who claimed to be smaller than him but when he saw the pictures, he said it made him feel even worse because he's actually smaller than that guy.
Howard was saying that he still gets aroused during his sleep and wakes up with an erection. Jackie doesn't have that and gets up in the middle of the night without an erection. Jackie said that maybe he's like that because he doesn't have a lot to fill down there.
Howard mentioned that Robin was on a plane the other day and got to sit next to Cathy Lee Crosby who used to be on that show ''That's Incredible.'' Howard said she was the only Cathy Lee out there until Kathie Lee Gifford stole her name and started using it.
Howard said he remembers watching ''That's Incredible'' and seeing Cathy not wearing a bra. She claims that the producers asked her not to wear one so they'd get bigger ratings. The guys talked about some of the stuff they used to have on that show and how freaky they were. They had one guy on the show who had a second head growing out of the side of his head.
Howard said he had a lot of hermaphrodites calling in about that call they just had. One guy said that he has a hard time meeting people who are like him. Howard said that he should come in and they'll introduce him to this woman who's coming in tomorrow. The guy said he'd like to meet her. The guy said that he's from Peru and they didn't have the money to get it fixed when he was born.
Howard asked the guy when he knew that he had this problem. The guy said he realized it when he had vision. Howard said that's what he figured and can't imagine how that woman didn't know she had a penis until she was 43. The guy said that when he pees it just comes out of his penis. The vagina is secondary and nothing comes out of it.
The caller said that he's had sex with only two people in his life, one woman and one man. He said that the woman knew what he was but didn't believe him. He said that he prefers to use his penis more than the vagina though. Howard put the guy on hold and said that he's going to have to show him what he has down there. The guy said he would show him but no one else. The guy didn't want to be looked at as a freak. He said he might show Robin if she shows him her breasts. Howard put him on hold after that.
Howard said that her new book is called ''Let The Magic Begin.'' She came in a short time later. Howard got a hug from her when she came in. She said that they hadn't seen each other in 9 years. Howard didn't remember her doing the show though. She sounded kind of nervous in there. Howard asked her about the rumors that she was asked not to wear a bra on ''That's Incredible'' when she was doing that. She said that there was something called the ''nipple report'' back then about her.
Cathy said that she had a nightmare last night because of Howard. She said she was dreaming she was on a show selling Howard's movie and throwing in a plug for her book at the same time. Howard said he has a nightmare every day too, he wakes up and sees Fred and there he is.
Howard was going to read through some of the highlights in Cathy's book. She said she's also plugging a TV movie she did for the Family Channel. She quickly got in a plug for that and then Howard got back to the stuff she's written about in her book. He said she talks about how she once did a black guy. She also went to college with OJ Simpson.
Howard said it was interesting that she dated a black guy. He asked her if she ever dated Wilt Chamberlain. She told Howard that she doesn't wait in line for anyone. Howard said he never runs into people like her when he flies. Robin was lucky enough to have run into her on a flight and they had a good talk according to Cathy.
Howard asked Cathy about some of the notes he had about her. Howard quickly went through the list of stuff and said that she was doing great until she crashed. Her grandmother died at 93 and Howard figured that was a really long time. Cathy said that she really loved that woman though so it was very upsetting. Then she lost her parents and she also got Epstein Barr syndrome. She had a bunch of things happen to her all at once. She said that she really misses her grandmother to this day.
Howard said that he doesn't believe in this Epstein Barr thing and it's just exhaustion. Cathy said that it is a real thing and it's in everyone but it doesn't get activated in everyone. Howard read more of his notes about her and how her relationship with Joe Theismann came to an end. She ended up getting sued by Joe because she was worth so much money at the time. She didn't want to say how much she was worth at the time.
Howard asked her to sit on his lap. Cathy said she did that on his show the first time she was on his show. She didn't even know who he was at the time though. She got back to the Joe Theismann story and said that he used to do some crazy stuff for her back then. She talked about that a little bit and then said that her current boyfriend, a doctor in Maui, is going to hear all of this and get upset.
Howard said that Cathy must have something in her pants that drives a man to distraction. He said that there are a lot of beautiful women out there but she must have something really special. He said he was looking at her hands wondering what she does with them. He asked how long she waits before she does something with a man like Joe. She wouldn't answer questions like that. She was telling Howard about the divorce and how messy that got.
Howard said that Cathy's father, Lou Crosby, was a radio pioneer so Howard figured that's why she's so taken with him. He read that her father was physically violent so he figured that she must be glad he's gone. She said that she learned to deal with it but it was very tough to get through, especially for a little girl. Howard said that some people might get turned on by spanking and stuff but Cathy said that she didn't want to make fun of that kind of stuff.
Howard said that Cathy was actually the first Wonder Woman and she walked away from that to do That's Incredible. They talked about the guy with two heads a little bit and how wild that was. Howard read through some notes about how Cathy met Joe and how she had to wait for him to leave his other wife. She had a lot of stories about the weird things she had to do over the years. She said she did this stuff because she loves men so much. Howard said he likes to hear that and loves women who love men so much.
Howard talked about Cathy dating a black man, who he figured out was Richard Roundtree, and said he tries to imagine what that must look like when they're having sex. That led to them talking about Cathy getting a kiss from OJ Simpson after she'd won a beauty pageant that he was hosting. Howard asked her if she thinks that he's innocent. She didn't seem to know how to answer that one. She said that she doesn't consider him her friend anymore. She said that she feels bad for the kids who have to lie with this stuff for the rest of their lives.
Howard wrapped up with Cathy and asked for a hug goodbye before he ended the segment. He gave her some more plugs for the stuff she was plugging today and then got his hug. He went to put his lips out and she turned away. She eventually gave him a kiss but Howard told her she has to put out more than that if she wants to come back on the show.
Jan said that they measure volume and flow of the lungs. Howard said that Jan has a hell of a ring on his finger and wondered where that came from. He figured it must be worth a fortune. Jan didn't have a lot to say about that but he did talk about the Medic-alert bracelet on. He said he keeled over at the age of 35 from a heart attack and he's been wearing this thing ever since then.
Howard cut Jan off and told him to just test Scott, that's what they wanted to find out about. He said that Scott is lucky that he hasn't had a heart attack at this point in his life. Jan asked Scott a few questions about his life and found out he's 44 years old, 6'1'' tall, 230 pounds and he smoked about 2 packs a day. Howard was shocked that he was 230 pounds.
After that he hooked Scott up to the equipment and asked him a few more questions about when and where he smokes. Scott said he waits about a half hour after he wakes up before he smokes. Scott said they don't even smoke inside the house, they go outside for that. Scott also said that his first cigarette of the morning is his favorite. Jan said he was looking at addiction levels by asking these questions. Jan asked him some more but Scott was trying to joke around with his answers. Howard told him not to do that, it just makes him sound dopey.
Jan asked Scott about the color of the mucus that he coughs up in the morning. Scott said that it was yellow but Howard didn't believe that at all. He said he knew that his mucus was brown when he was a smoker. Howard had Jan get to the test after he got Scott all hooked up to the equipment. He and Robin guessed at what his lungs were going to test at. Robin said that he's got to be at about 150 years old by now. Jan said that it should be at about 94 based on his estimates which he came up with after getting some information from Scott.
Scott wore a nose plug so his breath would only come out of his mouth. Jan then had Scott blow into a funnel-like device that measures the amount of air coming out of his lungs. The guy is like a coach. When he's ready for Scott to begin he yells ''In, in, in, in, in, in... go, go, go, faster, faster, faster...'' for Scott to fill up his lungs. Then he has him blow out for a certain amount of time.
Scott wasn't able to blow out enough and the computer didn't get a good reading. He said that he has to do a couple more tests to find out the real reading. Howard said that this is the only thing he enjoys more than going to Scores. He loves seeing Scott changing color.
Scott wasn't able to breathe out enough to get a reading on the test so Jan had to ask him to do another one. Scott said that he got dizzy blowing out on that last test. Howard said he was barely able to talk after that. Jan had him do one more test and told him to keep the funnel in his mouth and breathe in at the end. They finally got a reading and Jan said they got the first part but they have to do another one where they have him breathing in and out really fast. They did that test a short time later and Scott wasn't looking too good.
Jan got the results and laughed before he told Howard that Scott has the lung capacity of a 100 year old. Scott was actually happy with that because his last reading was 115. Jan was estimating 90 so he wasn't too far off. He had tested a guy the day before that had the lungs of a 143 year old. She was 73 years old though.
Howard couldn't believe that Scott was happy with that result. He said that Scott was actually happy and smiling with that result. He told him he's a jackass and did an impression of him. He tried taking some phone calls and had some trouble getting the callers on the line.
Robin told Howard he should take the test too so they could compare them to Scott's. Howard said he'd do it but Jan had to go through the questions first. Howard told him he's 43, 6'5'' tall and 198 pounds. Jan said he had to put him into the computer as a smoker just so they could get lung age. Howard then went over and took his test. Howard told Jan to give him the god damn test and said he'd never been that close to Jan before. He said he felt kind of different sitting there.
Howard had to put the nose clip on just like Scott had. Howard then did the test where he sucked in, blew out and then sucked in again. Jan said it didn't take that time so he had to do it again. Howard didn't understand how he wanted him to do it so he had to ask and then tried it again. He got it right that time. Jan checked and said that he had to do the in and out test. Howard did that, right next to the microphone, and said he couldn't see straight after that one. He said the machine freaked out on that one. Jan said he could tell that Howard really moved some air with that one.
Howard took a call and the guy told him that he's a fireman who takes the same test. He said that they all take it and they had one guy who had been on the job for 37 years and he's been in all kinds of fires and stuff and he was 65 years old. He tested at a 75 year old lung capacity. He's had all kinds of crap in his lungs and he still tested younger than Scott.
Jan gave Howard his test results and said that they may have to do it again. He said that he actually did worse than Scott. Howard's lung age was 123. Jan figured that he obstructed the port with his teeth. The fire fighter on the phone said that it's a very tough test. Jan told Howard to give it another try without the teeth this time. Howard went back over and gave it another try. He went through the first test again. Howard said he thinks there's something wrong with the test and he just doesn't know how to do it.
Howard said that Scott was all happy that he tested at 123. Howard said he obviously did the test wrong and that's why they came out like that. The results weren't coming in very quick so Howard had to take a break and wait for the results.
Jan said that they did calculate Scott at 94 so that was a pretty accurate result for him coming in at 100. Scott asked how long it would take for his lungs to get back to something more reasonable. Jan said it would probably come back very slowly if he did that. Howard wondered if he should even keep Scott on his Christmas list. Jan said it's very difficult to predict. He said that they could rebound a bit but not 100 percent. He said that he could clear all of the crap out if he stoped but it might take 10 years for his lungs to turn pink again.
Howard let Jan go a short time later and thanked him for coming in. They also played the Scott the Engineer theme song as he was leaving. Howard said he's kind of bummed that he has lungs that are his age when he figured they'd be younger.
Robin read through a bunch of stories while Howard and the guys goofed on each of them. Howard was talking about how Ellen Degeneres' show isn't doing so well with advertisers and it could have something to do with her just coming out of the closet recently. Robin was reading some other stories about some lesbian stuff and Howard wondered if all of the news was about lesbians. Robin said that she thought the audience liked lesbian stuff. Howard wasn't so sure about that.
Howard asked Robin if she thought Cathy Lee Crosby had implants or not. Robin wasn't sure about that. She later read a story about a court case where a judge found that there is a difference between men and women's breast so it's not legal for a woman to bare her breasts in public. She read through a bunch more stories and then they ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).