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Howard and the guys were back from their vacation this morning. Howard started the show talking about how he's not sure where to begin. He said after a few days off he's not sure what to do. Howard asked where his announcer Elephant Boy is at. Fred played a clip of Elephant Boy introducing Howard and the crew. He said that Sharon Osbourne and someone else will be on the show. It was hard to understand what he said. Robin didn't get it. Howard said that's what's cool about Elephant Boy. Howard said they have a very busy show today. He said it's Julie Chen and Sharon Osbourne and Ellen DeGeneres. Howard said he has a lot to ask Ellen. Robin asked if Elephant Boy said that. Howard said he's not sure what he said.
Howard said he has to get to the Bobo issue. Robin said it is the day he's supposed to return. Howard said Ralph says he has no infractions so he can return today. Howard took a call from Bobo and said he's back. Bobo said he's back. Howard played a song parody with Bobo to the tune of ''Back in Black.''
Bobo asked if he wants him to go on Periscope when he's talking to him. Howard played another song parody about Bobo returning to the show. Howard said this must be exciting for Bobo and no one else. Bobo said he has been to hell and back. He said he has a book of his feelings while he was away. Howard asked Bobo if he can sum up for them what his banishment was like. Bobo said this all started on June 29th. He said he's speaking off the cuff right now. Howard said he's a fucking retard. Howard played another song parody about Bobo. He didn't let Bobo answer about what it was like for him the past couple of months.
Howard said he can't tell Bobo how many people just wanted him to stay away. Bobo said he knows. He said there are some who want to put the pitchfork in him. Howard asked what it was like for him. Bobo said it was tough. He said hearing the show live was tough. He said he is a creature of habit. Robin was laughing and said this is so silly. Howard asked if it was too painful to listen. Bobo said he listened. He said he wrote questions while he was listening. He said he hated when they went on vacation. He said it did bring him closer to September though. Bobo said it was painful when they were on the air. Robin was shaking her head and saying she didn't understand what he's even saying. Howard played another song parody about Bobo's return.
Howard asked if he has any questions that are good to ask now. Bobo said he wrote out 41 questions and he's on the fence about 4 of them. Robin said she has to hear all four of those. Robin told him to pick one of those. Bobo said one of them is that he'd like to know if Howard ever second guesses himself after a show is over. Howard said Bobo is back and people have said they do not miss him. He said that being away didn't cause anyone anything but happiness. Howard said that's what he read. Bobo said he hopes he's back in Howard's good graces. Howard said he is. He told him not to sell out anymore. He played him out with another song parody. They went to break after that.
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Robin told Howard that Damon Wayans was defending Bill Cosby. She told Howard about how he said that the women Cosby allegedly raped were ''un-rape-able.'' Howard said that must be the comedy take. Robin said she hopes he was telling jokes.
Howard said he has 2 more weeks of America's Got Talent and he's done with the show. Robin said he looks like he's done already. Robin said they did a reaction shot with Howard when they had the garbage over Howie's head. Howard said they were there late that night and he didn't get out until very late. Howard said the garbage that landed on Howie was the cleanest garbage he's ever seen. Robin said Howard had a look on his face like he just wanted to get out of there.
Howard said he's having a good time on the show but sometimes it's strange being there. Howard said he was trying to be constructive with the stuttering kid but sometimes they do too much with the sad stories and background stuff. Howard said he said to this kid who stutters that if he laughs at himself it might not work. Howard said if he really wants to have people sit through his material you can't laugh at yourself. Howard said great comedians don't laugh at themselves. Howard said he tried to break him of that and he got attitude from the kid. Howard said he's not that funny. He said he's not a huge star for a reason. He said he wasn't doing that to be mean. He said he was trying it give him some constructive criticism. Howard said you can't take that for an hour.
Howard said that Howie was arguing with him that he laughs at himself too. Howard said he was playing a character though. Howard said he was trying to be helpful with the kid. He said even the kid gave him attitude. Howard said he heard Mel B being interviewed on Kelly and Michael. He said Mel said that she's not sure if Howard is coming back. Howard said he's not coming back. He said he told NBC he's not coming back and they agreed. He said they're already auditioning for season 11. Howard said he's not coming back and that's it. Howard said he's told them all that he's not coming back and they think he's doing some kind of weird negotiation thing. Howard said he did 4 seasons and it's enough. Howard said he's not on the air tomorrow because he has to work on America's Got Talent tonight. Howard said he's used up all of his vacation time with that. He said that's that and fuck you.
Howard said he recorded a bit for America's Got Talent where he went to a school and talked to some young kids. He said he has a clip. He said that it was hot as hell in the school. He said the kids were so cute though. He said he was doing the bit where he played their teacher. Howard said the kids loved him and didn't want him to leave. He said they were hugging him telling him not to leave. Howard said they were asking a bunch of questions. He said he asked if they knew why he was famous and one kid said he was a model. He said he loved that kid. He said that he did some modeling poses for him.
Howard played some audio of himself talking to the kids at the school and singing ''Old Man River.'' Howard said they were staring at him like they were in love. Howard said he was making up the words to the song because he didn't know them. Robin laughed as the clip was playing. Howard said the kids went crazy over that. Robin said they're terrible judges.
Howard said when he walked in the kids were going nuts. He said they all knew who he was. Howard said he told them that he was Harry Styles daddy. Howard said he wasn't sure they knew who he was. Howard said they must have been prepared. One kid asked Howard why he's so grumpy. He said when he was a kid there was no electricity or computers or Xbox. The kids gasped. One kid asked if he had toys. Howard said he made a puppet out of his underpants. Howard said it was actually kind of fun to do that. He said he doesn't want to do extra work though. He said he just wanted to judge.
Howard said they have 2 more weeks and they're done with America's Got Talent. Robin said she noticed that he wasn't there for the wax museum or the magic tricks. Howard said he's not the talent. He said today he's taping another bit. He said it's something they're putting together to say goodbye to him. He said he has things to do there at work though. He said he's usually there until 3 or 4.
Howard came back and said that Julie Chen and Sharon Osbourne are there. They are hosts of The Talk. Howard said he has to ask Sharon about Ozzy singing ''Mama I'm Coming Home'' since Fred was playing that as they came in. Howard said he's listening to the song because this is one of the most beautiful love songs. Howard said Ozzy wrote it for Sharon. Sharon said that's right. Sharon said she gets the chills every time he sings it. She said it just moves her. Howard said that Ozzy calls her Mama. Sharon said that's right. Howard asked if he's the little boy calling her mama since he didn't have one. Sharon said that's not it at all.
Howard said Julie lost a lot of weight. He said she looks awesome. Howard said she's back to being Julie Chen. She said she lost about 25. Howard said he noticed. Howard said he ran into Julie and her husband once when they were shopping and she looked great. He said she's back to that look now. Julie said she says she lost 25 pounds and people don't think she had that much more weight on her. Howard said people lie to each other day and night. Howard said he knew it the last time he saw her. Robin said she didn't think so. Howard said he knew her in her prime and he thought she was losing it. Howard said she walked in today and she knows. He said she looks fantastic. He said she looks healthy. Julie agreed that this is what she should be at. Sharon said that she should be at whatever weight makes her happy. Howard said Sharon looks good too. Sharon said it's very hard when you're her age because if you get too skinny you look crazy. Howard said Julie looks terrific. Howard said she was getting heavy. Julie said she was. Sharon was shaking her head. Howard said that's what he thought. Howard said this is the body she should have. Sharon said Julie is in her prime. Howard said she was losing it. Julie said they are still in reruns this week on The Talk so you won't see it. She said that if you're watching this week she's 25 pounds heavier than she is today. On September 14th she'll be at this weight.
Howard said when their show first came out he remembers that they were saying they were ripping off The View. Howard said there is so much competition. Howard said now they're beating The View. Howard asked what the secret is. Julie said she thinks it was a combination of things. She said The View had been on 13-15 years already. She said they had a fantastic historic run. She said they decided to do their own version of that show. Julie said that they decided to pick out what people didn't like about The View and not do that. They were going to get along as a group and not discuss politics. Sharon said it's also continuity. She said people are invested in them.
Howard asked what's going wrong at The View. Howard asked whose fault it is. Sharon said that Whoopi is a great person and she adores Raven. She said she thinks that with Joy Behar coming back they're going to be fine and back on track. Howard asked if she's bull shitting him. Sharon said she really doesn't care. She said it's not her life.
Howard asked Sharon why she was off the show for a month. Julie said they have to tune into the show on the 14th to find out. Howard said she was off the show for a month and they said she was exhausted. Sharon said she had a semi-nervous breakdown. Howard asked what happened. Sharon said she can't give all of the details but she did. Howard asked if it was the stress of life beating down on her. She said she was in negotiations to do a Black Sabbath tour and it was just that and life that got to her. Howard asked why it was so stressful. Sharon said that everyone wants different things. She said they're all getting older. She said they want to travel differently. Howard said the stress got to her. Sharon said it was that and life. Howard asked if The Talk is stressing her out. Sharon said not at all. She said it's her release to go on that show. She said they have to watch on the 14th. Julie said they have a new season to promote.
Howard asked Julie if her husband is more into her now. Julie said he was upset that she was losing so much weight. She said that they did watch an older The View and she pointed out how much better she looks. Howard said he used to be a big fatso himself. He said he was a mess and he was unhealthy. Sharon told Howard that she started doing Transcendental Meditation and that helped her a lot.
Howard asked Julie what her secret is for The Talk. She said that she won't say. Howard said it must be that her husband is making love to her more now.
Howard said Sharon looks like she's on the verge of tears. Sharon said she didn't sleep all night so she looks like that. Howard said they have to talk business now. Howard said The Talk is doing very well and it's important that it does well this season. Howard asked if they had some celebration when they beat The View. Julie said that she doesn't watch The View anymore. She said she can't have an outside influence. She said that she can't have that stuff in her head. Howard said Julie was an anchorwoman type when she started. Howard said that has to be difficult. Howard said Sharon is always mouthing off so it wasn't a change for her. Howard said Julie must have been politically correct at first. Julie said she was but their producer would come and tell her to get in there. Sharon said Julie never stops talking. Julie said she is a camera hog.
Howard said having an opinion is a good thing. He said that's why Trump is so popular. Sharon said ''Ugh'' to that. Howard asked if she likes Trump. Sharon said he is amusing to her. Howard asked if it's true what Trump says about having borders and how you have to have that. Sharon said it's his general demeanor that she's finding not dignified. Howard said Sharon takes on people too though. She said she's not trying to run the country though.
Howard asked Julie what she thinks about Trump. Julie said she thinks that he's saying a lot of what he says for effect. Sharon said if he was running to be a senator that's fine but not to run the country. Julie said Trump doesn't want it. Howard said he didn't think so either but he spoke to him and he thinks that he does now. Howard asked if Sharon votes. Sharon said she does not. Howard asked why not. Sharon said she didn't vote in England either. She said she can't follow it. She said it's too much to take on.
Howard said Sharon looks great. He said that's most important. Julie said in TV it might be. Howard said that Julie is the host of Big Brother and they announced they're going to have a Transgender on the show. Julie said they started the show in June and they had Audrey on the show. She said they knew about her before Caitlyn Jenner. She said they struggled over the decision. She said her husband let everyone know that even though the show is based on people pretending to be whatever on the show that they need to make it clear that she has to reveal that she's transgender. Howard asked if anyone on The Talk is becoming a man. Julie told him to tune in. Howard said that they need to go a step further.
Sharon said everyone is bored with transgender. Sharon said she's had enough. Howard said that it's great to see Bruce Jenner walking around as a woman. Sharon said she loves that one eye that closes and the way he talks. She did an impression of that voice. Howard asked if Caitlyn could fill in for Sharon if she takes another month off. Julie said it would be interesting. Sharon asked why her show is not what they thought it would be in the ratings. Robin said it's all about being political. She said people just want to see the transition. Howard said he thinks it's because she kept the penis. Sharon said she doesn't think she has a penis. Howard said he does.
Howard asked Julie if she thinks Caitlyn has a penis. Julie said someone was talking about that and they said they believe she doesn't but she has something else. Howard asked where Julie was this weekend. Julie said she was in East Hampton looking for Howard. She said Howard never leaves his house though. Julie said she was at Alan Grubman's house. She said that they were talking about Caitlyn and about the Kardashian's. Julie said that they were talking about how Kris Jenner didn't know that Bruce was transgender. Sharon laughed and said she had to know. Howard asked Julie if she thought she knew. Julie said she likes Kris but with that being said she thinks that everyone in the universe thinks she knew and didn't want to face it. Howard asked if Les Moonves wears Julie's dress. Julie joked that he does that every night. Sharon said Ozzy used to do that.
Howard asked if Sharon is still on The X Factor over in England. She said she went on for the 10th anniversary but then left and then the ratings went down. Howard asked what happened to The Talk ratings when Sharon left. Julie said they stayed the same. She said in season one when Sharon was off they'd see a dip. She said they're in their 6th season now and they have learned their strengths and weaknesses. She said they have people who come and help and it works. Howard said Sharon is great on the show. Julie said Sharon is ''the thing'' on that show that makes it work.
Howard asked what happened to the reboot of The Osbournes. Howard said everyone was into it and it was set to go. Sharon said it was another nightmare to negotiate. She said they want to much that it's hard for a network. She said they own what they do too so that's tough. Sharon said the head of the network left and some new guy came in and said he's not signing off on it. Sharon said they refused to take a cut so they walked away. Howard asked how much they were asking for. Sharon and Julie asked Howard what he's asking for at Sirius. Howard said he's in negotiations. Howard said he's leaving America's Got Talent because 4 years was enough. Howard said Simon Cowell is begging to have a show to he'll probably return to America's Got Talent. Howard said he is done with that show and he won't return. Howard said if he does anything he'd concentrate on the radio show. Howard said he has two offers in TV that he could do. He said he might take it.
Howard asked if it's true that when Sharon's kids were younger she'd send a box of her kid's shit to someone if they wrote something she didn't like. Sharon said it was only when someone would lie. Sharon said that it was usually Jack who would shit in the box for her. Howard asked how old he was at the time. She said he was 4 or so. She said that she'd have an assistant wrap it up and have it delivered. Howard asked if she ever got a reaction from anyone. Sharon said no. She said that it was a long time ago and she grew out of all of that. Howard said Julie looks repulsed. Julie said that's why Sharon is ''the thing'' on The Talk.
Howard asked Julie how old her kid is. Julie said he's turning 6. Howard asked how Jack is doing. Sharon said it's doing really good. Howard asked if she has had too much sadness in her life. Sharon said she gets fed up with the fight.
Howard asked if Julie's sex life is better now that she's lost the weight. Julie said things are just fine. Sharon said Julie has smaller boobs now. Julie said they've always been an A. Howard asked if she would get implants. Julie said no way. She said she's too chicken and she's heard Sharon's stories about her implants. She said she's never heard anyone say they're happy with their implants ever.
Howard asked if Julie is still having sex twice a week and no anal. She said it's at least twice a week and no anal.
Howard asked Sharon about her daughter posting a picture of herself in a thong online and if that's what put her over the edge. Sharon said that she's one of those lucky women who will never have cellulite. She said her body is firm. Sharon said that it's the worst when you have cellulite. Howard said he has it. He said Ozzy must have it too. Sharon said Ozzy spends so much time working out he doesn't. She said he's addicted to it. Howard said he loves seeing these two. Howard said they are a delight. Howard said he knew something was up with Sharon and he wrote to her. He said she didn't write her back right away. Sharon said she did eventually.
Howard asked where Sharon went when she was out. Julie told him to tune in on the 14th. Howard asked if Sharon called her immediately. Julie said she's not saying anything. She told him to tune into the show on the 14th.
Howard asked Julie what she wants to say about her show. Julie said that she wants to say that people liked when they revealed secrets so they have more secrets. Howard asked Julie what her's is. Julie said she wanted to tell it last year but they didn't give her clearance. Sharon said she thinks it has something to do with immigration. Julie said they have to get clearance from a few people and she had a whole year to work on those people and they have given her permission. Howard asked if Les knows what it is. She said he does. Howard said that they're both married to very prominent men. Sharon said Ozzy is sick her talking about sex on Howard's show. Julie said both of their husbands are similar in their thinking. Howard asked some questions about what they do at night and what time they go to bed. Howard heard about that and they didn't sound so similar to him. Howard asked what Ozzy's worst habit is. Sharon said Ozzy gets his hair in his food. She said she has to tie it back. Julie said that everything Les does is perfect. Julie said she and Sharon were out one night and they said hi to some famous men and she knew that they were going to get in trouble with their husbands even though they didn't do anything. Julie said that they can get in trouble for just being polite.
Howard asked Julie if Les does anything in the kitchen. Julie said he doesn't even know where the kitchen is. Julie said that he's running a very powerful network right now.
Howard gave Sharon and Julie some plugs for the new season of The Talk which starts on September 14th. Howard asked Sharon if she's going to stick around on that show. Howard wondered what she's worth on that show. Howard said they are beating The View so she must be paying her between $7 and 10 million. Sharon said she's with Howard. Howard asked how close he is. Sharon said it's more. Howard said she must be making 5. Sharon said she thinks she's worth more but they do pay her well. She said it's the best home she's ever had. Howard said that's sad. Sharon said it's not. She meant that it's about where she works, not an actual home.
Howard asked Julie what she talked to Barbara Walters about this weekend. Julie said they were talking to her about going back to save The View and people said no way. Howard said she still owns the show though. Julie said she's not sure about that. Howard said that he agrees she should stay away from the show. Julie said she only left a year ago. She said the show is unrecognizable now. Howard asked if Barbara would go on The Talk. Julie said she thinks she would but ABC probably wouldn't let her. Howard asked if Sharon would ever have Julie shit in a box and mail it to the bosses at The View. Sharon said that Julie is such a lady and she probably shits gardenias.
Howard asked how they think Stephen Colbert will do in late night. Howard asked if he will be Fallon in a year. Julie said no. She said he will do well but not beat Fallon. Sharon said that Stephen is related to Ozzy actually. She said it's a long story but he is related.
Howard said that he almost had a nervous breakdown once. He said it was when Julie's husband was suing him. Julie asked if that's why he wore the ''I hate Les Moonves'' t-shirt on Letterman. Howard said that's right.
Howard said that Sharon and Julie are hot. He said Sharon is always hot. Howard said he would have fucked her on America's Got Talent back stage if he could have. Howard said he fucked Howie. He said he will fuck him if he brings out that fucking Periscope again. Howard said he is a great guy actually. Sharon said he is a very good person. Howard said they've heard enough from these two. Howard said now they can get the fuck out of there. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
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Howard said he was listening to Van Halen too. He said that song Eruption is like Mozart to him. He said he loves that. He had the song playing and said just listen to that. He asked what's better than that. Howard said that was what Eddie would play to warm up. Howard said this is his warm up! Robin said she was listening to Sirius this weekend. Howard asked her not to talk over this part of the song.
Robin said she was listening to Bruce Springsteen this weekend. She said they had Bruce and Stevie talking about music and Bruce was talking about how when he first heard Elvis he asked for a guitar and his parents rented one. Howard said that's smart. Howard said his parents should have rented a clarinet instead of buying one. Robin said Bruce was taken to a music lesson place and back in those days they wanted you to read scales and music and Bruce just wanted to rock. She said no one knew how to teach back then. Robin said that someone in a store front can't teach Eddie Van Halen to do that. Howard said that's right. He said Mozart never had to deal with David Lee Roth.
Howard said he was watching Steven Tyler performing at an event over the weekend. He said he's so great too. Howard said Jethro Tull has a song called Cry You a Song and he loves that too. He asked if they're in the hall of fame. Gary said they are not. Howard had Fred play some Jethro Tull. Howard and Robin spent a little time talking about the hall of fame and who belongs in it. Howard said just listen to this Jethro Tull song.
Howard said guess who he saw last week at America's Got Talent on Tuesday night. Howard said he saw Denise Oliver who is the Program Director who put them together. Robin said that's right. She said that she's been trying to get together with her too.
Howard said he has a phony phone call and they have a couple. He said they have a Jack and Rod show bit and also a call where Jessica Kirson calls. They also have a Gary and Wendy phony phone call. Robin asked to hear the second one.
Howard played the phony phone call that Jessica Kirson made with Sal and Richard. They called a woman asking for directions to the zoo and then Sal and Jessica crash into the zoo and the animals start to attack them. The woman was praying for them while all of this was going on. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Ellen DeGeneres is there. Ellen said she's been waiting so long for this. Robin said it's good to see her there. Howard said it's the 13th season of her show. Howard said he was talking about how competitive the daytime talk show landscape has gotten. Howard asked if she thought her show would last this long. Ellen said she didn't think that far ahead. She said she had to sell the show. She said they worried if people would watch a lesbian hosting a daytime talk show. Howard said he knows that her sitcom got a lot of flack when she came out. Ellen said she wasn't even talking about her lesbianism. She said it was the press. Howard said that she went into a terrible depression for 3 years. Howard said Rosie told her not to do the show. Howard said then she had to slog her way back into the public favor. Ellen said she wasn't able to work for 3 years. She said she wanted to be truthful because when you don't then you're always worried that you'll be discovered by someone.
Howard said Ellen was the first female comedian who was brought to sit on the couch. Howard said he found that to be very arrogant. Ellen said it was the best thing to happen to her. She said they told her that they don't even know if he's going to call her over. She said he did call her over.
Howard asked Ellen about growing up in New Orleans and if she thought about how she'd get out of there. Howard asked how old she was when she wanted to be a stand up comic. Ellen said the path was just brought to her and she followed it. Ellen said she was doing regular jobs like working at JC Penny. Howard said that she was doing a bunch of regular jobs like that. Ellen said she did a lot of things. Howard said someone told her to get up and talk. Ellen said it was a bunch of people trying to raise money for something she can't even remember. She said it was a bunch of girls who needed money. She said they needed people to be on stage. She said she doesn't know why they picked her to go on stage. Howard asked why it was her. Ellen said she didn't know she was funny. She said she's an introvert. Howard said she really is. Howard said she doesn't seem to want to be bothered. Ellen said that it's not about that. She said she has to put so much out there to match a crowd's energy. She said she has to feed them and they don't feed her energy.
Howard said Ellen has to be the life of the party on her show. Howard said he's the same on his show. He said he's not great to hang out with. Ellen said they're similar in that way. Howard asked if she has fantasies of retiring. Ellen said she does but then she thinks about how she doesn't know what she would do. Ellen said Howard has a lot of hobbies now. Howard said he would think she's the same way. Ellen said she drinks. Howard asked if she really does. She said she has to start in about an hour. She said she likes a martini and some red wine.
Howard said he loves when Ellen comes out and dances. He said what's weird about it is wondering why he likes it. Howard said he suspects she can't dance. Howard said he heard she doesn't like dancing but the audience is demanding it so she can't stop. Ellen said she doesn't like when she's out in public and people ask her to dance. She said that she hears that all the time. Howard said it's like people saying ''Dance, Monkey!'' Ellen said that she loves music and she did it as a joke. She said the audience loved it and then it became a thing. She said now if she doesn't do it they will leave angry. Howard said she has to keep it going. Ellen said that she'll have to retire when she can't dance anymore.
Howard said it seems like a lot of straight women in the audience want to please her. Howard asked if she senses that too. Ellen said no. She said it's not a flirtation. Howard said they want to show how cool they are. He said something is going on there. Robin said it's all in his head. Robin said they're just thinking they're friends. Howard said that's not it. Ellen said maybe 1 percent of the women are like that. She said that a lot of the women are there to get out of the house and they just want to have fun.
Howard asked Ellen about doing her first show and having Jennifer Aniston on. Ellen said that she's friends with her and she thinks that her friends believed in her. She said that they were more than willing to come and help her. She said that she did a test interview with Alanis Morissette and Tom Hanks and others. Howard asked what made her do that. Ellen said people who were paying to make the show asked her to do that. She said they wanted a tape of it to see what kind of conversation she'd have. She said it was very weird. She said that she'd go and do stand-up and people would be shocked when she was doing a clean act.
Howard said Ellen is successful and people don't remember what a pariah she was. Howard said it was like people didn't want to touch her and it wasn't even that long ago.
Howard said that Ellen's brother works as a producer. Ellen said he works for her production company. Howard said that Ellen grew up in New Orleans and he wonders if she hated it. Ellen said no. She said she didn't know anything but New Orleans until her mother remarried a guy and they moved to Texas. She said that she only knew humidity, hot and flat. Howard said her parents divorced when she was 13. Howard said that he can relate to her story because her mother was depressed and so was his. Howard said he spent a lifetime trying to cheer his mother up. Howard said you don't want to see your mother sad. Howard said that might be where the comedy comes from. Ellen said her mother was her best friend too. She said that she wasn't depressed at first. She said it was her idea to leave her husband. She said the depression came later. She said her mother started smoking and drinking and she became the kid in the family. Howard asked if that was scary to her. Ellen said she was a different person. Howard asked if she got mad at her dad for unleashing that on her. Ellen said he didn't do that to her. She said that he had a rough time with it too for a while.
Howard asked about when she came out and if her mother dealt with that okay. Ellen said that she tried reading books about it and that didn't help. Ellen said her mother thought that it was going to change and it would go away. Ellen said that her father's new wife asked her to move out because the wife had two daughters and she thought that she was going to make them change.
Howard asked if that woman is still in her father's life. Ellen said she is. Howard asked if she can forgive them for that. Ellen said she has. She said that she hasn't seen the daughters in a while though. Ellen said she doesn't bring it up and probably wants to forget it even happened. Howard said that Ellen needed her at the time. Ellen said everyone makes mistakes. She said that her mom made a mistake for marrying the man who molested her. She said her mom had breast cancer and she waited to tell her what happened. She said that her mom believed her at first but then the guy convinced her she was lying. She said her mom stayed with the guy for 18 years and the story changed a lot with him so she eventually believed her.
Howard asked Ellen about going to high school and dating some guys there. Ellen said she did like guys but she hadn't slept with a guy. Howard asked if she has slept with a man. She said she has. Howard said he doesn't get why any woman would want to be with a guy. He said men are so gross. Howard asked if it was a joy at all. She said she had a sweet boyfriend but it just wasn't for her.
Howard said David Spade told him about how he went after her so hard and he had no idea she was a lesbian. Ellen said she just thought they were friends. She said he wasn't good at flirting back then.
Howard said that Ellen has this fund raiser and she goes off and does that. Howard said she stands there and eats a hamburger for 5 minutes and doesn't say a word. Ellen said she didn't have any material. She said that she was funny because she was observational about things. She said she started a sentence and took a bite of food. She said she did the eating thing and walking on the stage. She said she ate the burger and fries and didn't even finish her first thought. She said she wasn't sure if it would bomb or not and it worked. Howard said that many people have success the first time on stage but then they go back up and tank time and time again. Howard asked if that happened to her. Ellen said no. She said that she went and played piano at a coffee house in New Orleans. She said she played a few chords and screamed because she said she wrote the song in the hospital. Howard said she was doing sketches. Ellen said she was a huge fan of Steve Martin, Carol Burnett and people like that. She said that she would do different things like that. She said she'd hold up fabrics and tell the audience she was trying out new material.
Ellen said she did a phone call to god bit. Ellen said she did that when her friend Kat was killed in an accident. Howard said she had dated her and she was still angry at her. Ellen said she actually drove past the accident on her way home. Ellen said that Kat was cheating on her and she was at the club with some girl. Ellen said she moved out and she was hoping that Kat would beg her to come back. Ellen said she was playing a game with her and Kat left. She said she left later. She said she drove past the accident and the car was split in two. She said the next morning she found out it was Kat. She said that she died in that accident. Howard asked if she felt guilty. Ellen said she did. She said that she was living in an apartment and it was one room that had a ceiling so low you couldn't stand up. Ellen said the place was infested with fleas. She said that she didn't understand why this girl was gone and fleas were there. She said that's when she started writing and wondering what it would be like to talk to God if you could pick up the phone and call God. She said she wrote non-stop once she put the pen on paper.
Howard said Ellen did that as a signature bit. Howard asked if that's why Carson put her on. She said it was. She said that she thought Carson was going to call her over and she'd be the first woman to be called over. She said she visualized it all.
Howard said it was a few years after that before she hit. Ellen said that bit was a nightmare for her for a long time. She said people thought it was funny but there were a lot of pauses in it. She said when Carson called her over she said it was a huge hit. She said then it became the thing that people requested. Howard said it's amazing that it came out of that. Ellen said Howard must have visualized where he is now. Howard said he remembers having a girl he dated on the show and she showed him some notes he wrote as a kid and he did say that he was going to be the greatest radio guy ever. Howard said it's exciting to visualize a bit and then be able to go and perform it. Howard said he's able to do that too.
Howard asked if other comics got jealous of her once she was on the Tonight Show. Ellen said that she had the title of Funniest Person in America that she did on Showtime. Howard said Soupy Sales was one of the judges for that. Ellen said he was. Ellen said she won for New Orleans and then Louisiana. She said she then became the Funniest Person in America. Howard said that was a big deal for her too. Ellen said that was her first time on TV. She said that she didn't know how that was going to land on people when they saw her in a mall somewhere. Howard said no one wants to be the funniest person in America. Ellen said when she bombed, and she did bomb, people were very mean to her. She said that this guy Monty Hoffman would introducer her as the funniest person in America and then she had to go up and do her material. Howard said he might be in radio because of Soupy Sales. He said he used to do an impression of him as a kid.
Howard said that he heard that Ellen turned down the role of Phoebe in Friends. Ellen said she's never even heard that story. She said that before Friends was a show she did a show called These Friends of Mine and that was changed to Ellen. Howard said he heard that she was also offered the role in Speed. She said that's not true either.
Howard said the sitcom comes along and that's a big deal for her too. Ellen said she was ready to be off the road. She said it's a very lonely time being on the road. Howard said she was dating guys on the show and then she comes out and no one can accept the fact that she's dating guys and she's a lesbian. Ellen said the show was on for 5 years. She said that she was the one who went to the writers and had them do what they did. She said she had a dream where she had a finch and she kept it in a cage. She said the bird became her and she became the finch. She said she had it against the window and it was wide enough that the bird could leave. She said she asked the bird not to leave but the bird, who was her, said she didn't belong there and she had to leave and it flew away.
Ellen said she was afraid that someone like Howard would find out she was gay and out her. She said that she didn't want to live in shame anymore. She said she wanted to come out and do it at the same time on her show. Ellen said that there had been gay people on TV but not people who realized late in life that they were gay. She said that she thought it would be interesting at the time. Howard asked if she was ready for the shit storm that followed. Ellen said she didn't. Howard said that Jerry Falwell came out and went after her. Howard said even Elton John started criticizing her. Howard asked if she had a nervous breakdown. Ellen said she was being attacked but she was on such a high for doing the right thing for her that she didn't care. She said when the show got canceled that's when she wondered what she was going to do. Howard asked about who she was with when the show got canceled. Ellen said she was with Anne Heche. Howard asked if she was too needy at that point. Ellen said no. She said being with someone is the best thing.
Howard asked if her agents abandoned her. Ellen said they did. Howard asked if she laughs at them now. Ellen said she did at first but now she sees what the business is. She said it is a business and she understands it better now.
Howard said this show is doing well and it's like she's changed people's views on Lesbians in the business. Ellen said that if she's not happy people are going to sense it. She said that she sees a cross section of people out there and it makes her really happy. She said she's reaching people of all kinds and they're all happy for that hour long show.
Howard said that Colbert is starting his show tonight. Howard asked if she thinks she could tell him how to do the show if he asked. Ellen said everyone is different. Howard asked if judging on American Idol was tough. Howard said he tried to tell this stuttering kid not to giggle so much and he took it the wrong way. Howard said he was trying to give him some advice. Ellen said many comedians laugh at their own jokes and that's just what they do.
Howard asked if she hated judging on American Idol. Ellen said that was one of the worst decisions she ever made. Howard said it's a lot tougher than you think to judge someone. Robin asked Ellen why she wanted to do it. Ellen said she was just a fan and she waned to be like the people at home. She said that she wasn't able to break someone's heart though. She said that's too hard.
Howard said he could spend hours talking to Ellen about hosting the Oscars and Grammys. Howard asked if she would do that again. Ellen said no. She said she can't do it again. She said it takes up a lot of time and she has to do a lot of writing and it's tough. Howard said she took a selfie at the Oscars and that crashed the internet. Ellen said she knew it might do that. She said that she wanted to have Meryl in it and then call as many people to come in as she could get. She said the whole joke she was planning on was to get Meryl to take the photo so she wouldn't be in the photo. Then Bradley Cooper took it and it became what it was. Howard said that has to be tough to do because you're on live TV and so many people are watching. Howard said that could tank horribly. Ellen said she never thinks that way. She thought it would be fun. Ellen said she knew fun people were there. She said that she didn't expect Brad and Angelina to jump in. She said the pizza guy was another great thing that worked out. She said that guy has his own pizza parlor because of that whole thing.
Howard said he doesn't want to do talk shows anymore. He said he feels like he's done it all already. He said he can see why Ellen doesn't want to do those award shows anymore. Ellen said she did the last one because it was something that was the scariest thing she could do and she wanted to take that challenge.
Howard said that Oprah left and Ellen must have loved that. Ellen said she did celebrate. She said that she figured she was going to gain some of her audience. Ellen said she and Oprah are friends. She said that they like each other. Howard asked if they hang out at all. Ellen said they do hang out at times. Howard asked what the game plan is if they get together. Ellen said the first time Oprah came over she figured she had to get someone to serve them. She said she came over with a huge basket of stuff from her garden. She said she came the next week to show the house to someone. She said then it was just the two of them the last time she came over. She said they just talked and hung out.
Howard asked Ellen when she started dating Portia if she wanted her to see her on stage so she'd see her powers. Ellen said she already had the girl. She said that she already knew about her but she was closeted. Ellen said Portia was scared to come out but then she chose love over everything. She said that forced her to come out. Howard said Portia is a good looking woman. Ellen said she is easy on the eyes. She said she's hilarious and she's smart and she said to say hello to Howard. Ellen said they've been together for 11 years now. Howard said he reads about how they're about to break up every week. He said that they appear to be very in love though. Ellen said they don't know anything about that until someone calls and tells them. She said Portia's publicist called and said they should sue over what they're saying. Ellen said she went to a condo with her best friend and they reported that they were going to a love nest. Ellen said that they really don't almost break up. She said they are madly in love and things are fantastic.
Howard asked Ellen if she is afraid that Portia is going to meet someone else. Ellen said there is no jealousy. She said yesterday Portia told her she is her everything. She said they think the same things and they are so similar but different enough. Howard said there is nothing more romantic than what she just said. Howard said he needs that too. He said he likes hearing that stuff. Howard said we take that for granted. Ellen said that she tells Portia that she loves her every day.
Howard said this whole anti-gay marriage thing bothers him so much. He said that people are so miserable in their marriage that they don't want people like Ellen to be happy in their marriage.
Ellen said she doesn't understand why people are angry and not tolerant of things like that. She asked why. She said it's just love. Howard said he had gay people in his life and it was just acceptable when he was growing up. Howard said he's not sure why people are against that. Howard said Jerry Falwell was the worst. Howard said he is a scumbag. Ellen said Caitlyn Jenner is on the show and even she has judgments about gay people even though she's transgender. Ellen said that they want the same thing everyone else wants. Howard said Caitlyn is on TV crying about not being ridiculed and then says she doesn't get gay marriage. Howard asked if Caitlyn danced with her. Ellen said that she didn't dance. She said she doesn't fully understand what she's going through but she wants her to be happy.
Howard said that Ellen doesn't really get political. Howard asked if she ever talks about her views. Ellen said she doesn't much but she thinks that people assume she's a democrat. She said she likes Hillary Clinton.
Howard asked if she is surprised by people like Jay Leno who had a show and he still went off and did comedy gigs. Ellen said she was. She said she could be happy going off and never begin seen again like Carson did. Ellen said she's doing a line of home good and she is really into that now. Robin said she wondered when she got into that. Ellen said she's always been into that. She said that they have two homes now but they've bought and sold many homes. She said they have a book, called Home, coming out in October with photos of many of their homes they've been in.
Howard gave Ellen some plugs for her TV show that's retuning for another season too. Ellen said that she really is happy to be on the show today. She said she appreciates that he says what's on his mind. Howard congratulated her on being the funniest person in America.
Howard said he gave Justin and Jennifer a painting he did for their wedding. Howard said that it was a romantic picture that he painted. Ellen said she doesn't paint but she understands that watercolor is very hard. Howard said it is. Ellen said that she knows Howard goes on vacation with Jennifer and Justin. Howard said that he has. He said that they go on vacation and stare at a curtain they put up outside so no one will take photos. Howard said he doesn't like being photographed in a bathing suit so that's not so bad.
Robin asked Ellen why she has men come on the show and strip. Ellen said she appreciates a good body. She said you can't go wrong with people taking their clothes off.
Howard gave Ellen some more plugs and said you can find out more at EllenTV.com
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They played Robin into her news with a song parody from Eli Braden. Howard said before Robin gets to her news he has to play this clip of Sarah Palin talking about how immigrants in this country have to ''speak American.'' Then she catches herself and says English.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ellen interview was great. He also asked Fred to look up the band Clutch because he's love it. Howard said he can't do it right now. The guy was pushing for him to listen to X-Ray Vision because it's great. Howard asked if he's in the band. The caller, Jesse, said he's not. He's just a big fan. Fred found the song but it was on YouTube and there was an ad at the start. Fred eventually found the song and played it for Howard. Howard said he doesn't care after a few seconds of it. Howard said it's enough with the sales pitch from Jesse. He said he wasn't feeling it but sometimes he has to hear a song a couple of times.
Howard said he likes the song Paul McCartney wrote for Kanye West. Howard hummed it and asked what it was called. Fred said he's looking for it. Benjy told Fred the song but Fred wasn't finding it so Howard gave up.
Robin got to her news and read about Caitlyn Jenner being on Ellen and she has a clip. She said she talks about how she used to be against gay marriage. Howard played the audio and then Fred found the Kanye song that Howard was talking about earlier. Howard played some of the song ''Four Five Seconds'' but Howard said that's not it either. The song he was looking for was ''Only One.''
Howard asked Robin if she really named her cat Yoda. Robin said she did. Howard said he thinks she's crazier than he is. Robin said she didn't even think about Howard having a cat named Yoda. Howard said Robin is crazier than him. Gary said Robin read the audio book for the book about Yoda. Gary said Mary said she named her cat Yoda and he thought that was kind of odd. He said maybe it came named that way. Robin said that people name their children the same as his kids. Howard said they're talking about the two of them. Howard said Robin has to admit she's crazier than him. Robin said her cat has Yoda ears. She said it was the first name she thought of. Gary asked Robin if Will had a son and named it Jackson, would that be odd. Robin said not. Gary said it is a little odd. They played a song parody about Robin being crazy.
Howard said Crazy Alice weighed in on it. Howard played a clip of Alice talking about how fucked up Robin is. Howard said he also has a clip of Rob Gronkowski who left Robin a message. Howard said this is for real. Howard played a clip of Rob saying that he and his friends are always talking about her boobies. Gary said that was very real. He said Rob was up there last week and recorded that message.
Robin got back to her news and talked more about Caitlyn Jenner. She had more about what Caitlyn was talking about in her interview with Ellen.
Robin had some audio of Damon Wayans talking about Bill Cosby and his accusers. He was defending Cosby about the women coming out and accusing him of rape. Howard asked which Wayans this is. He said he's the one who used to do the clown thing. Howard said he was great. Howard asked what the fuck he's talking about. He said he's not making sense. Howard said his grammar has gone out the window all of a sudden too.
Howard and Robin had more clips they went through and tried to figure out. Howard said this guy isn't making sense. Howard said it's a shame when a comedian comes out and says something like that because it ruins their past stuff for him.
Robin read a story about this Kentucky clerk, Kim Davis, who refused a marriage license for a gay couple and now she's in jail for contempt. Howard said the thing is that she's a celebrity and she'll be a hero for the nutty right wing. Robin said it doesn't always work out for these people. Robin said she's been in jail since last Thursday. Robin said she's cited her religious beliefs as the reason for denying the marriage licenses. Robin said Mike Huckabee has come out in support of her. Howard said that you have to honor gay marriage if that's the law. He said that you have to do that with abortion too. Howard said she should be put to death for disobeying the law. Robin said that they should just fire her. Howard said she's an elected official. Howard said it would be wild if she got the death sentence. Howard said he doesn't like paying taxes but he does it. He said that's part of living in this society. Howard said he can't just make up the rules. Howard said this woman thinks she's standing up for something but she'll end up on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said he's not thrilled with this season's lineup. He said Gary Busey is on but he'll be voted off the first week. Howard said that guy is out of his fucking mind. Howard spent a minute talking about that and then did a live commercial read.
Robin read about how Serena and Venus Williams will be taking each other on in the U.S. Open this week. Robin had some details about that.
Robin read a story about Al Roker fighting with someone over email and now his Weather Channel show is over. Robin said he's been doing shows with NBC and The Weather Channel. Robin said he wanted to do a retrospective of Katrina but another hurricane was in the area and they wanted him to concentrate on that. Robin said that Al said it may not turn into anything and that's what happened. Robin said that Al got into an argument over that with the powers that be over there. Howard said he's got some advice for them. He said no one cares, cover whatever you want. He said no one is watching anyway. Robin said Al Roker says that he didn't mean to hit ''reply all'' when he responded.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who asked if he saw FOX News with that Kimberly Guilfoyle chick. Howard said he didn't see that. Tommy was asking if he saw that Gutfeld guy too. Howard told him to stop with all of that. He hung up on Tommy. Howard said he had nothing to say. He said he's losing his mind over this. Howard took a call from a guy who wasn't there so he hung up on him too.
Robin read about Stephen Colbert starting his show tonight on CBS. Howard said he thinks he'll be number 1 tonight. Robin said he has George Clooney and Jeb Bush on the show. Howard said he's going to have a tough time beating Jimmy Fallon.
Robin read a story about a new app that is ransom ware and on Android systems. Robin said that it's called Adult play and it takes photos of users and locks the device and then demands $500 from the user to unlock it.
Howard said he agreed to do a talk show. He said Kimmel is coming to New York and he's going to do it. Gary said Jimmy has one of the heroes from the train in France on his show tonight. Howard those guys are so brave. He said he doesn't know what he's going to do tonight. He said he may just go to bed.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Robin is so fucked up naming her cat Yoda. She said Robin is certifiably nuts. Robin said she talks to people named Robin all the time and she doesn't think of them as her. Mariann brought up something else but Howard hung up on her in the middle of that.
Howard said he's not going to be mean and tell Robin why she's crazier than him. Howard said it's too personal. Robin said it won't get personal. Robin said Howard can do two things. She said he can do the radio show and be a good husband and father but he can't do anything else that has to do with life. Howard said that's a very mean thing to say. Robin said he's making a big deal out of nothing. Robin said if she had a child she's name her Ashley. Howard said maybe she could name her Yoda. Robin said she takes all of the names Howard uses.
Robin read a story about the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion. Robin said that 3 of the cubs that he was the father of have disappeared. Robin said the dentist is heading back to work. Robin said his name is Walter Palmer. Robin said he's resuming work today. Robin said he also reaffirmed his statement about how his hunt was legal and the party didn't know the lion was protected. Robin said he has been keeping a low profile for a few weeks now. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Shandor who congratulated him on 4 years of America's Got Talent. He asked if Howard is going to take on a late night show. Howard said no and he would never do that. Shandor asked if he had any games to play. Howard said he has one called the Hang Up Game. He hung up on him.
Robin got back to her news and read that Apple has a big event coming up and people are thinking that they're going to be revamping Apple TV. Howard said no one cares. Robin said they will also be revealing new iPhones. Howard said that's what he's interested in. Robin said they are saying that the new phones will have force touch. Howard asked what that is. Jon Hein came in to explain it. He said they have it on the Apple Watch. Howard said he doesn't like the watch. Howard said he can guarantee he will never wear one. He said that's his own OCD issue though. Jon said the force touch on the iPhone will sense pressure. Howard said the camera is a bigger deal. Jon said one of the iPads they're coming out with may be 13 inches. Howard asked what they're doing with Apple TV. Jon said they're integrating Siri into it so you can use it instead of cable. Robin said they say they're going to do with that what the did with the iPhone. Jon said he thinks they're trying to make it easier to watch TV. Howard said they need to upgrade the phone system in the city. He said there are places where you can't get reception. He said they need to fix that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has seen Norm MacDonald at all lately on Last Comic Standing or in the Hamptons. Howard said he has not but he thinks he's one of the funniest guys around. The caller said Norm goes off on tangents on Last Comic Standing. He said it's amusing. He said Roseanne looks good too. Howard said Norm is a brilliant guy. He said he's not sure what he's up to on Last Comic Standing.
Robin read a story about a British politician who is taking crap after a couple of British ISIS members were killed with a drone. Robin said some people are upset because these were British citizens who didn't get their due process.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about how great the Booey 100 thing was yesterday. He said he still thinks Howard is crazier than Robin. Howard said maybe he is. The caller said something Howard didn't understand so he asked where he's from. The caller said he's Algerian. Howard said that's some accent he has. Howard goofed on him for a short time as Fred played some music to go along with the accent.
Howard said the Booey 100 Top Noine was great. He asked if Robin heard the actual Top Noine. He said he thinks he has it. Howard looked for it and played some of the Top Noine. He played a couple of short clips. Howard said his number one was the parody of a Queen Song. Howard said Cousin Brucie was doing his thing on the special. He played a clip of Brucie from the special. Howard said he tuned in and thought it would be stupid but he was laughing so hard. Howard said this is all up On Demand too. Howard thanked the DJs who did their thing to help out with the Booey 100 special. Howard thanked the dead Casey Kasem for helping out too.
Robin got back to her news and read about Joe Biden talking about how there's something wrong with the economy. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard asked Robin who she would vote for if it's Biden and Hillary. Robin said she'd like to see a female president. Robin said that's unless Biden does the Caitlyn Jenner thing and becomes a woman. Then she'd vote for Biden.
Robin read a story about the Pope tickets being on sale. Robin said he's making a speech in Philadelphia and 10,000 tickets are up for grabs.
Robin read about Pope Francis making it easier for marriage annulments. Robin read some details about that.
Robin read about Andrew Cuomo talking about his aide being shot in the head during a parade yesterday. Robin said that the 43 year old is fighting for his life. Robin said this man isn't someone we want to lose. Robin said he was always there to help others and to make a difference. Howard said they should put and end to all of these parades. Howard said fuck all of these parades. He said this is America.
Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon said that he loves hearing Bobo being back and talking ''off the cuff'' again. Lenny asked if he even knows what that means. Jon said maybe not. He asked Rahsaan what they have in the poll today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''What do you think of Robin naming her new cat Yoda?'' and the choices were:
Jon said that sometimes you do something like that and you just roll with it instead of admitting defeat. Jon said maybe Robin is doing that. He said that Robin is going to insist that she liked the name. Jon said he thinks it's a notch on the ''Robin is crazier than Howard'' argument. Lenny said Howard says the name Yoda on the air. Not a lot but Robin has to know. Lenny said Robin obviously doesn't follow Beth on Instagram because she posts Yoda pictures all the time. Lenny said he's going to get a cat 3 or 4 months from now and name a cat Yoda and claim it's not named after any of them. They went to break after that.
Jon asked Lenny if he's being too sensitive. Lenny said the last two weeks has been glorious. He said that people are saying that they have an appreciation for what he's had to go through. He said he's still there and he's like the patron saint of abuse. Gary said it's overwhelming. He said he gets that people are saying nice stuff but then people say ''What a great weekend listening to Ra-Ra-Retard'' and that's not nice. He said that not many people could take that kind of abuse. He said if it were 24 hours of goofing on Will he's sure that he'd break. Gary said he gets email about the anniversary and stuff but when it's like ''fuck that monkey'' it gets to be a bit much.
Lenny said he sits in awe of what Gary has become because of the show. He said the term might be bigger than the show itself. He said Gary should remember that if he's ever getting down. Gary said as the day wore on yesterday it reminded him of the 12th minute in The Last Temptation of Christ.
Jon said Bobo has returned to the show and he felt underwhelmed by that. Gary said that's what he expected. He said if he had given him more then he would have been disappointed. Gary said Bobo says he's not going to abuse the show anymore but then he asks if he should Periscope. Lenny said he thought it was going to be about what it was. He said it was a big build up and then the air is let out of the whole thing. He said the songs were fantastic today. Jon said he'd love to know what's in those books that Bobo writes in. Lenny said he sees it like that movie Seven. He said it's deep dark feces.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the music special was hilarious yesterday. He said the whole family was cracking up over the songs. He said he can't imagine Gary sitting around and enjoying it. He said it is an honor after all these years. Gary said he can take the songs during the show but not when they're all piled on in 24 hours. Lenny said he can see why it would destroy him. Gary said it was 24 hours of his failures.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Gary heard anything for the first time when he was listening. Gary said he only heard about half a dozen songs and didn't hear anything new. Jon said there are some early Sal songs that you can hear the venom in his voice in. Lenny said he heard some of those and they're geniusly mean. Jon said the other thing is that lyrically some of them are great. Gary said some of them are clever. Jon said they're still available On Demand if you want to listen.
Lenny asked when the Robin song parody day is coming. Gary said that's going to be coming. He said if he has to take the shit then Robin does too. He said the thing about those songs is that people like Robin and they're singing about her. He said the stuff they're singing about in the Baba Booey songs are his screw ups.
Jon said Robin said that she didn't know that Howard had a cat named Yoda at first when Howard brought it up. Gary said if you did something like that in a regular office people would think it was kind of odd and that's it. He said in their office they are under a microscope. He said that makes her look crazy. Lenny said that cat was supposed to be dead. He said Howard's Yoda is really Yoda. Gary said if he came in and named his cat Yoda when what would Robin say about that. He said she'd ask him how he could name his cat Yoda. They went to break after that.
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Gary said imagine you're a kid and your mom asks you to shit in a box. Gary said he loves that she does that to people who lied about them. Jon said he loves how matter-of-factly she talks about it. Gary said that Sharon is so great when she talks about that stuff.
Jon said Ellen also came in today and that was a long time in the making. Gary said Ellen and Howard have become friendly so that helped. He said that hearing her story was really interesting. He said she gave up a lot when she told the story of her life. Gary said she really gave up a lot when she did that. Jon said that she was pretty much out of the business for 3 years after that. He said a lot of people don't recover from that.
Lenny said he can't believe Ellen's show has been on for 13 years. He said you don't get to hear the behind the scenes stuff usually. He said you think of her as the strong and successful person. He said she's a brand. He said she went from nothing to where she is now and it's a great story. He said he didn't know all of the details that came out today.
Jon said it was great that Ellen thought about what she was going to do on the Tonight Show and she did it. Gary said that's great for her but not so great for the people who wanted to do that and it didn't happen for them. Lenny said the story about the ex-girlfriend was tough too. He said that you think about what it is that makes it click and that's what did it for Ellen. He said it's incredible where she is now after all of that. He said she deserves and earned everything.
Jon said that Howard and Ellen have a very similar life where they just want to do their thing and be left alone. Jon said they seem to respect each other quite a bit. Gary said he didn't know that Ellen had been knighted ''Funniest Person in America''. He said she called that guy out for fucking with her back then too. He said that kind of stuff sticks with you for a long time.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he listened to Gary's stuff this weekend. He said there is no other personality on the show who polarizes more than Gary. He said he could feel some of the pressure on the time Gary went home to his family during the storm but then there are times when he wants to grab Gary's throat and strangle him. Gary asked what kind of stuff he does that he finds to be passive aggressive. The caller said Gary threatened Tracey Millman when she said she doesn't like him. Gary said he was trying to be up front. The caller said that he should be aware of what he's saying in case of future job applications. Gary said he wasn't threatening her. He said he was talking about hearing her on the air and having second thoughts about that.
The caller had another example of passive aggressive behavior. He went over a couple of things with Gary and Gary explained what was going on there. Jon and Lenny talked about how nice the guy was with that call at first and then came out and beat the shit out of him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves them but when are they going to stop sucking Howard's dick like that. He said Robin naming her cat the same name she has the best argument. He said that it's not like you can only have one cat named Yoda. The caller said he has no problem with that. Gary said anyone can do what they want. Lenny said you can't drop that name and not expect it to be an explosion. Jon said if Jason was having a son and he named him Jackson Lucas Kaplan, it would be very odd. Gary said Yoda is much different.
Jon went to Rahsaan for the poll results. Rahsaan said that 47 percent agree with Howard that it's proof Robin is crazy. 42 percent voted on ''How did she not know'' and 11 percent disagreed with Howard. Jon said he doesn't think that's going to go away and it will end up in future shows.
Jon wrapped up the show and got in some plugs before ending the show. They were done around Noon.
Jon said they have a lot to talk about today. He said they played the Neil Young interview today. Gary said that took longer to set up than the Madonna interview. Gary said he had been on his wishlist forever. Jon said it was great to hear him sit down and talk to Howard. Jon said they also played the Mike Judge interview and also when Richard talked about Taco dying. Lenny said there was a time where a friend of his asked him to go feed her guinea pig. He said that he was told it might be dead because they don't live long. He asked how old Taco was. Jon said they had it for a while. Jon said that's Richard's pet. He said it's a big deal for him. Gary said he was also the owner of Fishy. Gary said Richard has a lot of favorites. Lenny said he gets animals with expiration dates. Gary said they all have expiration dates. Lenny said you can get more than 2 years out of other pets. Gary said Will gets bummed when he sees pets go and wonders why they bother since you know that it's going to pass. Lenny said he's hoping to get 9 or 10 years out of his dog. Gary said he knows a person who had two dogs growing up because they knew that one would die but they'd have another one.
Lenny said it is like a kid when you get used to having it around. Jon said he spent quality time with Taco and Richard treated Taco like a full scale pet. He said he had a camera in the apartment so he could see him when he was away. Gary asked if Taco can lay on you and keep you company. Jon said maybe. Jon said Richard and his wife were very close to their pet. He said that some people treat them like children. He said that he treats his dog like a family member.
Lenny asked what Richard had growing up. He said he must have eaten everything. Gary said they did raise them as pets and then ate them. He said they must not have had problems with it. Gary said he knew someone who had a pet cow until it dented the family car and then they had burgers made out of ''Carl'' the cow for a year.
Jon said he has to talk about Sal too. He said that Sal made the move where he dropped his bag so he wouldn't get caught with it there. Gary said it was like an entertaining episode of cops. Jon said he's not sure why Sal didn't come clean on it. Lenny said he'd rather admit to sticking his face in someone's ass than admit that he puts makeup on. Gary said Sal talks about that Aveeno cream like it's his life. Jon said it is. Gary said that he makes fun of Sal's skin when he really wants to get to him. He said that's how they bust each other's balls. Jon said Sal's hair is also very thick up top now and there might be something going on up there too.
Lenny asked if they were filming when they found out about Sal. Gary said Ronnie caught him. Lenny thought Sal was wearing makeup for the TV cameras. Jon said he wears it for them. Gary said Sal has raccoon eyes so he has to put cream on. He said he also uses hair spray. Lenny wondered how he missed all of this. He said that's an even better story. Lenny said Sal's wife... that poor woman. They had to go to break after that.
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Lenny asked if it was because it was Gary or because it was a guest. Gary said it's not the right way to treat a guest and he didn't know.
Jon said Mike is one of Richard's ''favorites'' and he has a lot of them. He said he has multiple favorites for a lot of genres. He said that even between the cartoons he likes it's not clear which one is his favorite. Gary said he will say ''one of my favorites'' but not ''my favorite'' like Richard does. He said Richard had a hard drive full of porn and he'd say that this girl was ''my favorite'' and it wasn't one of his favorites. He said after a few times he asked how they can all be his favorite. Lenny said that's like a teacher having favorites. Jon said Lenny is one of their favorites on the Wrap Up Show.
Jon said when Mike comes on the show he's always good. Gary said he should go back and listen to that interview because he was promoting Silicon Valley. Gary said it's such a great show and he'd love to hear what he had to say about it back then.
Jon said Sal also fixed his teeth and he ragged on Gary for so long about his teeth. He said it's pot calling the kettle by 1000. Gary said they're so white and Sal won't admit that he had them worked on. Lenny said everyone knew he did. Gary said it was very odd. Lenny said Sal should know that he can never do anything with his teeth. Jon said that Sal argues that he's making himself look better. He said that's just Sal making himself look more presentable. Gary said the makeup stuff makes him feel better. He said that's good for him. He said he thinks that he didn't need to do anything with his teeth though. He said he took something normal and made them abnormal. Lenny said that it's really distracting when you see the fake teeth on TV. Lenny said he has real teeth. He said you can see that on TV.
Gary said that if you're going to be on TV you should have pride. Gary said they had that discussion with Sharon Osbourne and Julie Chen when they were in yesterday. He said you're on TV so you have to look a certain way. Gary said they used to be a rag tag group before they were on TV. Gary said sometimes he's out in his neighborhood and he thinks he looks pretty awful. Lenny said it's like that in L.A. He said if you're dressing up for a party it's L.A. casual and not like other places. Gary asked if he's ever been recognized out and he looks terrible. Lenny said that happens all the time. He said he's not a big dresser upper. Jon said out there it's a bigger deal. Lenny said maybe he just has sloppy friends he hangs out with. They went to break after that.
Jon said it was a very special conversation for Howard to have with Neil. Gary said he thinks that Neil helped shape Howard's life when he was growing up. It was great for Howard to have that. Lenny said that some guests must be impressed with how much he knows about them. He said it's not stuff you'd get if they went on the Tonight Show or something. He said it's like you get to sit down and no one is listening.
Gary said it helps when you're doing a lot of shitty interviews and you get to come in and sit down for an hour or more with Howard. He said you can see the light go off that Howard did his homework and he knows something.
Lenny said you can see bad interviews going on when people are out promoting. Then they come in with Howard and they're not in a rush and it's not a repetitive thing. He said it's all over the map. He said he thinks it's cool that Howard talks to guests about things they want to talk about. Lenny said if you hit the right button with a big guest they'll go down that road and it's pretty great.
Jon said Howard can go on with an interview as long as he wants to. Lenny said they can go an hour and a half and it doesn't feel like it or it doesn't feel like it went that long. Gary said there are times when Howard says he could have gone another hour after a 90 minute interview. He said you want to save some of that for a future interview though.
Jon said that Jeff the Drunk is on Periscope and making a big deal out of that. He asked how he can keep people coming back. Lenny said he has watched him from time to time. He said Jeff will come on his Scope too. He said Jeff takes calls and sings and the best part is that he hurries calls along like Howard would. He said he has nowhere to go but he hurries it along. He said even the nice people he'll rush along. He said he really does move it along. Lenny said he thinks that people like to see what it's like behind the scenes. He said he's bummed that Eric the Actor isn't around to be part of Periscope. He said it would have been so great to see. Gary said Eric would get so upset about things. He said that he thought it was up to them to get rid of the people who gave him a hard time on Twitter. Lenny said it would have been an hour of Eric blocking people. He said he thinks that he would have blocked 80 percent of them. Lenny said maybe there's a bit in there somewhere. He said maybe they can do a Periscope from Heaven bit. Jon said Eric was doing a Periscope thing before it even existed. They were doing the Johnny Fratto Social Club or JFSC. Jon said he was way ahead of his time.
Jon asked if Bobo will get the kind of numbers that Jeff is getting. Gary said he can do it but he has to be interesting. Lenny said Bobo was on earlier in his Shrine. Lenny said that the audience is used to Howard so if they come in to watch you there is no patience. He said they are a rough bunch. He said even if they like you they're going to be rough. Lenny said people like to know what it's like to be in a certain industry. He said he enjoys talking to people and answering questions. He said it's weird to talk to your phone.
Lenny asked Gary if he has tried it. Gary said he hasn't. He said he'd probably get in trouble doing it. Lenny asked if he'd do his Periscope. Gary said he'll do that.
Rahsaan said he just watched Jeff the Drunk on Periscope and it was fascinating. Lenny said he was up early this morning and Jeff was on at like 7 this morning. Gary said he's not sure how someone like Jeff can sit around all day doing nothing and not working. The guys wondered what he could do for a job. Lenny said he doesn't need a job because he has Periscope and that Wishlist on Amazon.com. Gary asked if Jeff would get in trouble if he started jerking off on camera on Periscope. Lenny said he thinks there are rules for that and he hopes that they'd cut it off.
Jon got in some plugs for today's Sternthology. Lenny got in a plug for his Periscope and talked about an interview he did with Bree Olson. They wrapped up and ended the show around 11:40am.
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Jon asked Rahsaan what he has for the poll today. Rahsaan said they're asking ''What Was Your Favorite Part of Booey 25?'' and the choices were:
Jon said he objects to the poll. He said there is no way to choose. He said there are so many options. He said they're all great choices. Jon said he wonders if Gary was upset by the special. Rahsaan said he thinks he was annoyed by it. He said it's always fun to bust someone's balls. He said he thought about it and it can be tough to deal with that and he can't blame Gary for being annoyed.
Jon said if you just hear the venomous stuff over and over it can get under your skin. Gary came in so he asked him about that. Gary said he's not sure why it would be flattering if it's all negative. Jon said it's not though. Gary said that's true. He said that he's over being upset about the whole Baba Booey thing. He said when people say they hate him and call him a monkey that bothers him. Jon said what gets under his skin is when people take glee in what he just said. Gary said it's not even that. He said it's the stuff on social media when people parrot what people said. He said that they call him ''the worst'' and they're just retweeting what people say.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Gary has very thick skin. He said he doesn't know if he could take 25 years of that. He wondered if they should be smashing someone else. Gary said that he isn't crying over it. He said he's had a great life and made a great living. He said he's not on a ''Wah'' campaign. Jon said that the audience has to get what they want even if it hurts his feelings. Gary said the caller was wondering if there would be a different Baba Booey if he wasn't Baba Booey. Gary said he's not sure if his slot would be filled by someone else if he didn't exist. Gary said he doesn't think this is contrived on Howard's part at all. He said he thinks Howard likes to have someone to beat up on. He said Howard sees that as the way an office works. Jon said Gary has done a great job the last 3 decades. He said they had to go to break after that.
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Jon asked Paul about doing an interview with Don Imus back in the 80s. Paul said that he was doing something where Howard and Imus were doing something together. He said Howard had his vest and he poked his head in to say hi. He said that he was snooping and he got the door slammed in his face. Gary sounded shocked that Howard would do that. Paul said he deserved it. He said he became a big fan of Howard's though. He said he loved his movie Private Parts. Gary said it's very difficult to play yourself. He said that Howard did something in the movie where he shows that he's a nice guy. Jon said that people expected him to be super raunchy but it's more of a love letter.
Jon said it means a lot coming from Paul. Paul said Mary McCormack played his wife and he did a show with Mary called In Plain Sight. Jon angary asked if he did anything with Eric the Actor. Paul said he was there for that. He said Eric had some demands that day. He said he was very demanding. Jon asked if he was a difficult actor. Paul laughed and said he was very nice.
Jon asked Paul about the Vinyl show he's doing. Gary said it's right up his alley. Paul said they're in the 70s in the show now. He said he can't give away shit but they move on into the 80s too. He said back then he was probably hanging out with Gary in those days. He asked Gary if he went to the Palladium and places like that. Gary said he used to go to the Red Parrot. He said he went to another place he can't remember the name of. Paul asked if he remembers guys walking around in berets and painting people's faces. Gary said no. Paul said that was him.
Gary said he was at the tail end of the ''I'll give you this drug if you play this record'' time in radio. He said that didn't seem so illegal at the time but it turns out it was. Gary and Paul talked about some of the drugs that were out at the time.
Jon said Howard is a huge fan of The Wire. Jon said he and Gary were there from the start. He asked Paul if people recognize him from that show as the Greek's number 2 guy. Paul said there are a lot of people who yell out his character's name. He said a girl came up to him quivering and showed him a tattoo that said ''The Wire''. He said there are a lot of freaky things like that.
Jon asked if he's shocked that the show has become as big as it has. Paul said he thinks it's great that it's still being born year after year. He said he feels it still. He said that every year more people tell him that they loved his season. He said he feels like it will happen for another 20 years like a wave that never stops. Gary said he has a 20 year old in college who is just getting into it now. Jon said he gets excited when someone starts to watch because he knows what they're about to experience.
Jon took a call from a guy who said you can watch Private Parts on Amazon Prime for free right now. He said that he loves the movie and loves how much he has changed since he started. He said that he is blown away. Jon said if he was the same you wouldn't listen to the show. He said a lot of things have changed but there are some constants like Gary and Robin. Gary said people bust his balls when he says Howard has evolved. He said anyone who is the same at 65 as they were at 25 is a one dimensional person. Gary said he was there when Howard was angry and Howard isn't that guy anymore. He said he still gets pissed off. He said there are things that really irritate him. Jon said he's sure Paul isn't going to discos and painting people's faces. He said everybody changes. He said that in this business you have to stay entertaining.
Paul said everyone has the anger early on. Gary said you feel you have something to prove. Gary said Howard had to prove that he was more talented than these other people. He said you have that anger as a youngster. Paul said he went through a period of 6 or 7 years when he went through a bunch of agents and managers. He said he's sorry to those people. He said he was a pretty good guy on the sets of the things he did other than in Tombstone because one guy was an alcoholic prick. He said he was going to do a shoot out scene where he speaks Spanish. He said that this one assistant director called him out and asked why he was late to the set. He said he got all emotional and asked if this other guy told him that. He said he went off on the guy saying that he didn't know what he had to go through. Paul said the guy got fired the next day. He said the rest of the cast bought him drinks and dinner for the rest of the shoot. Jon said they had to go to break after that.
Jon asked why people were so into the Stooges. Paul said they were doing stuff blindly and they didn't know how big they were. He said they were doing shorts that were all over the country. He said the TV movie he did was done in Australia. He said that people were seeing this stuff and the studios didn't know how big they actually were. He said they had a freedom about it and they were just flying by the seat of their pants.
Gary said he had a conversation with a buddy over the weekend about the Stooges and it's a guy thing. He said the wives weren't into them but the guys were. Gary said he remembers one where they were carpenters and they had 2X4s and they kept moving around and hitting each other and it was as good as any ballet he's seen. Gary said it got really sad in the later years. Gary said that there was a local guy who showed The Three Stooges and he had Moe on when he was getting really old and he was telling kids not to poke each other in the eyes.
Jon took a call from a guy who did a bad impression of Jon and asked if they ever noticed that's what he sounds like. Gary said sometimes people have an idea that they think is going to go over really funny and it just doesn't work. He said that's this guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he knows how many times Howard has fired him. Gary said it's been something like 30 times and two of those times he wasn't sure if he meant it. He said there are times when he knew he wasn't fired but at times he wasn't sure. Gary said once he really thought he should put his shit in a bag and go. Gary said he's not even sure what he did wrong.
Jon asked Gary if he tries to approach it during the break or does it go back to normal. Gary said it usually goes back to normal. He said they just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. Gary said they would ignore that they got pissed off at each other. Gary said he'd just move on. Gary said it was like the craziness he had with his mom. Gary said there it's an expectation to get thrown under the bus by someone. They're used to it being that way in the office.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Gary is his idol. He said he's not being sarcastic either. He said that he hopes Gary understands that people do love him and he hopes that he knows that they appreciate it. Gary said he appreciates the kind words. Gary said he's not walking around there moaning about any of this. He said if he didn't do the Wrap Up Show no one would know about how he feels. Gary said that guy said something really interesting. He said his wife called and says ''hello, hello'' and that's fine. He said when Natalie Maines says that then it sounds like she's saying ''fuck you.'' Jon said that might be what it is.
Jon asked Rahsaan for the results of today's poll. Rahsaan said that number 3 was the Baba Booey origin story with 16 percent of the vote. Second place was ''Mac-Hine'' with 18 percent of the vote and at number 1 was the Gary ''Love'' tape with 57 percent.
Jon got in some plugs for Sternthology and let Paul get in some plugs as well. They were done around 11:40am.
Jon said the NFL season has started and Michael is there to share his thoughts on that and their fantasy football league. Jon said the draft is out and Michael hasn't stopped since last season. Gary asked Michael what happened that made him go off on Matt Berry. Michael explained how Berry coerced JD into a trade. He explained the trade and why he doesn't like it. Gary said this was done before the season started so it's not collusion like Michael is saying it is. Michael said no one is backing him up and sticking by him.
Michael said he's called Gary an American icon and they gave him the Baba 25 and the Baba this and that. He said he came onto remind Gary that he's Fafa Fooey and Mama Monkey and he's there to push him off his high horse. He said he heard Paul Ben-Victor kissing his ass yesterday. Gary asked why people can't goof on him and be an important part of the show. Michael said he is important but there are people calling in and stuttering and stammering to talk to an ape. He said he can't get that big head. Gary said he isn't.
Jon said they're just getting off of 3 weekends of celebrating Gary on the show. Michael said he's an American treasure but he's not going to give him a hand job on the show. He said guests have to understand that it's like going to a zoo and they should throw peanuts at him.
Jon asked Rahsaan if they have a poll today. Rahsaan said they do not. Jon said that's a good thing because Michael is all fired up today. He spent a little time talking to Michael about fantasy football again.
Jon took a call from a guy who corrected Michael on the way he said coerced earlier. Michael said that when he's speaking in his natural state he gets a little stuttery and stammery. He said he doesn't need this guy telling him that. He said he doesn't come after him when he's cleaning up the monkey shit at the zoo. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
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Gary said he imagines that it must be a lot of work to live with Michael. He said he must be on a lot of the time. Michael asked if he could sustain that kind of craziness in regular life. He said he is a handful and he tells his lady that. He said when he comes up there he's not in his regular state. He said that he is focused and he has his eye's on the prize. Gary asked who is biggest nemesis is up there. Michael said it's Gary. He said he's the closest to Howard and he thinks that the fans got cheated out of a great Wrap Up Show. He said he flew in for this Draft show and they put up a 15 minute show. He said that show got fucked up because Gary should have stopped Lisa Ann and Matt Berry from bringing up his kid. He said that they were boring the fans.
Jon said he is on Michael's side and he gets that they didn't let it go. He said that Michael was smiling at him seeing that he had his poker face on during the draft.
Gary said he doesn't produce the draft show. He said they had to edit it down. Michael said they did that but they were all up his ass about his son and his friend making picks for him. He said next year he's not flying in and his kids are still going to draft for him. He said that's the way it's going to be. He said they have give the fans some credit. He said the fans are listening and they're on the edge of their seats. He said that Gary can get them going.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves Michael because he brings some great relief to the Wrap Up Show. He asked Gary if he really likes it when he calls him Fafa. Gary said no but it doesn't bother him. He said if someone else did it maybe it would. Michael said he was out somewhere and someone came up to him and started going ''Fafafafafafa'' to him. He said he wonders how bad it must get for Gary with the fame he has. He said it must be a blessing and a curse to have that going on. Gary said he gets more ''Hey now'' than the other stuff. He said it's not that bad. They had to take a break after that.
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Jon took a call from a guy who said Michael has to calm down. He said he's ripping Baba Booey for what reason. Michael goofed on the guy for his phone quality. The caller said it sounds like Michael is jealous. He said they see Gary and know his name. He said they don't know who Michael is. Michael said he already told Gary he's the man. The caller said Gary doesn't need to be ripped all the time. He told Michael that he was great in Justified. Michael thanked him for that.
Gary said yesterday he was up there at Sirius and ran into the manager for one of the guys from the Black Keys. He said the guy had no idea who he was but the limo driver outside did. He said the guy yelled out ''Baba Booey'' a bunch of times and that's the fun stuff. Jon said that happens but it's rare. Gary said it does happen but not that much. Michael asked if it's cool to be called Baba Booey and not Fafa Fooey. Gary said he didn't say that. He said that it's insulting to be called Mama Monkey. Michael said it's like a middle name. Michael said it's all terms of endearment. He said now he's getting coerced into sucking up and petting him. Gary said no one is making him do anything.
Jon said he doesn't think Gary minds most of the Baba Booey stuff. Gary said the Fafa Fohi doesn't bother him. Jon said he can't pick and choose. Gary said he can do whatever he wants. He said that doesn't mean people have to listen.
Michael said he has kids and he lives in Los Angeles most of the time. He said he sent Gary an email asking when they're going to watch football at his house. He said Gary gave him the runaround about that. He said he doesn't want to hear that shit. Gary said Michael asked him to make plans and it was Michael who said he wanted to make plans. Gary said it wasn't 100 percent because they may go on vacation. He said that date is 80-90 percent set. He said he gave him an answer. Michael said he's going to have more fun with them watching football than he will going on vacation.
Jon asked if Michael has made any plans yet. Michael said the longer he waits the more it will cost. Gary told him not to book his flight. He said if he has it then that's the way it goes. Michael told him to go ahead and try that. He said he'll be so upset if he doesn't show up. Michael said he's not coming, that's it. Then he said he really does want to come. He told Gary not to fuck around with him.
Jon said one of the things they have to talk about is what Michael was planning to do with Jason Kaplan over the weekend. Michael said they know the movie Deliverance and that make you squeal like a pig scene... He said he's not saying that he's going to rape him but maybe a little bit of that. He said he's planning on pig fucking him. He said he's not using the R word.
Jon got in some plugs and wrapped up the show. They were done around 11:55am.