|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Eagle Scout Controversy. 6/14/00. 10:15am
Robin had read a story in the news today about an assistant Boy Scout leader who had done some strange stuff with some of his scouts. He'd tied them up and goofed on them or something like that. Howard then made some comment about how if he had a son he'd never allow him to be in the Boy Scouts because they seem to attract some strange people. A short time later an 18 year old Eagle Scout called in to tell Howard he's wrong about the 'Scouts. He told Howard that they screen their Scout Masters and there are only a few strange guys in there that do weird stuff. The kid told Howard about all of the ''fun'' they have on their trips and how it's a great learning experience. The kid's father eventually got on the phone and mumbled some stuff about the 'Scouts being great. Howard thought they both sounded a little odd but when he asked them questions they just got more and more infuriated. The 18 year old almost cursed at Howard but held back at the last second. Gary told Howard that they're not allowed to curse. He also said there's rules they have to live by and they're also not supposed to masturbate. Howard asked the kid if he does that. He said he doesn't have to because he's got a girlfriend.. Fred said ''What's his name?'' The kid said that he used to masturbate so he actually broke the rules of the 'Scouts. Gary said he should be kicked out for that. The kid also said that his girlfriend is very proud of him being an Eagle Scout. He's even holds the record for starting a fire without matches in under 2 minutes or some crap like that.
All of this led to everyone coming in to share stories about their experiences in the 'Scouts. Noah the intern said that he had a scout master who ended up hanging himself after someone accused him of molesting a boy. Jackie had a camp counselor who offered to give him money for sex and a bunch of callers had various stories about nightmarish Scout experiences. The 18 year old said that those are just a few bad experiences and that their Masters are screened. Gary told the kid that it's very hard to screen someone. He would know because he's been doing it lately. He said he can check locally but someone can come from another state and you won't know what they did. The kid had told Howard that he used the knowledge of CPR that he'd learned in the Scouts to try and save his grandfather. Unfortunately he died at the hospital. Howard later told the kid ''Go do CPR on your grandfather, and do it right this time.'' Why the kid brought that story up remains a mystery because he didn't save the guys life.
Various Stuff. 6/7/02. 6:05am
Howard went on to talk about going to L.A. for this wedding and how he doesn't mind going there. He said he doesn't mind going there and going out to dinner and stuff. He doesn't want to fly though. He said he may have to fly out there next week and he really doesn't want to take a commercial flight. Artie and Stuttering John are flying out there today to do a comedy show. John is bringing some Xanax with him just in case they need to calm themselves down on the flight. Howard said he takes Ambien when he flies so he can fall asleep. He said he was once woken up by a flight attendant after taking the pills and couldn't believe that she did that. He said even after taking more pills he wasn't able to fall asleep again. John told Howard that Xanax is great because it will knock you right out and you can fall asleep again, no problem.
All of the guys shared stories of flying too. Artie had one about John falling asleep while his hair dipped into his peanuts and drink. Howard told one about Gary falling asleep on a flight home and leaving Howard hanging while he slept. Howard said when he woke up Gary smacked his lips louder than you can imagine. Howard said he needed someone to talk to and Gary just fell asleep. Gary said he remembers falling asleep even before the flight took off. Howard said he tried to wake Gary up during the flight but nothing worked. Gary is ready to fly today with John and Artie. He said he was just about in pajamas today so he can sleep on the flight out.
Howard said that Gary is thrilled to fly because he gets to leave his sons ''Jackson and whatever the other one's name is... Luka...'' It's actually Lucas but Howard didn't seem to care.
Stuttering John brought up Howard's girlfriend and said he ordered something from her yesterday. Howard didn't want him to talk about it but John said that he got to see her in about 10 different bathing suits. Howard said that she's going to be in a swimsuit calendar and John is going to be giving a bunch of them away.
Gary and John were talking about some of the stuff they're doing out in L.A. John is holding one of his comedy shows at the House of Blues on Saturday night. Gary is making a couple of other appearances too. Howard heard that KC is banned from doing any of his child molestation material in the comedy show. It's actually in the contract that John has that KC can't do that stuff there.
Howard brought up the conversation they had earlier about Beth's calendar. He said that she's doing this calendar for a company that's selling them at BethO.com (link removed, do not visit). Howard said John wasn't actually with Beth like he said earlier, he was just ordering the calendars from the web site. John said that the first 500 are autographed and John managed to order number 475 so he's getting one autographed. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard said they didn't even announce the web site yet and they'd already sold almost 500 of them by the time John found it. Somehow the conversation turned to Ronnie the Limo driver and the NASCAR stuff he collects. The guys ended up goofing on him for a few minutes about that and how he's a ''Jew-Gene'' (A Jew who tries to come off like an Italian). Artie said he really thought Ronnie was part Italian. He said the way they spoke to each other made him think that he was Italian. Howard said that Ronnie really is Italian because he doesn't act like a Jew in any way. Stuttering John was goofing on Ronnie's ''NASCAR outfit'' that he wears sometimes. He said he wears a shirt with all of the sponsor stickers all over it. Ronnie defended himself saying that it's just a sweatshirt.
Howard got back to Ronnie being a ''Jew-Gene'' and how he really is Italian in the way he acts. He acts tough and talks in a way that makes him seem Italian. Gary said sometimes he gets asked what Ronnie is and when he tells people that he's Jewish it surprises the hell out of everyone. Howard said Ronnie even puts up Christmas decorations that blow away most Catholic homes.
Keith Olbermann's New Fan - Howard Stern. 11/16/05. 10:10am
Howard played an audio clip from the Keith Olbermann show where he counts down the worst people in the country and included the head of the Parents Television Council and Rush Limbaugh. Howard played it because the Parents Television Council was mentioned in on of Robin's news stories. Howard also talked about the Rush Limbaugh mention because he's charging people to send stuff to soldiers over in Iraq. Howard listened to him talking about the way his ''adopt a soldier'' thing works and you hear Rush banging on his console quite a bit. Howard replayed the clip and Fred threw in some more console bangs using some sound effects. Howard figured it might be his ''gunt'' banging the console. Howard said he will be listening to the Keith Olbermann show from now on because the guy made some good points in that tape he had played. During that discussion Artie was doing his impression of Rush Limbaugh and had some funny lines.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard to play the ''Scotty From the Block'' song parody so Howard told him he'd do that first thing tomorrow morning.
Ralph called in at one point and asked how Fred is able to get the sound effects in that he does. Robin had read story and said that it had been ''simmering'' and Fred had a bubbling sound effect ready to go as soon as Robin said it. Howard said that he should get a camera on him for the In Demand show so they can see how he works his magic back there. He asked Ralph if he had his clothes ready for the Letterman appearance tomorrow and it sounded like he wasn't quite done with it. Howard had to get the show over with so he had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 10:40am.
In the clip Howard said they got a note from a lady who worked in a morgue and she was into sleeping with dead people. He said they'll be talking about that with her. Howard said she was sleeping with dead guys. Howard wondered how she was doing that. Robin said it must be rigor mortis. Howard said they'll find out when he reads this article. Howard said he has an article about the woman and this is from the Weekly World News. Howard said she calls herself a morgue rat. Howard said she looks pretty good too. Howard said it gives a new meaning to the term ''stopping for a cold one on the way home...''
Howard said that it was reported that she slept with 40 corpses. Howard read the article and they said that she'd sneak into the mortuary and she'd make love to the dead when it was closed. She once drove a body around in a hearse and drove it up to the mountains. Howard wondered if she had to pay for a double occupancy at the hotel she stayed at. Howard said the woman kept this one body with her until she couldn't stand the smell anymore. Howard said he's not sure how the rigor mortis works and if the penis would get stiff or not. Robin said it is a muscle and it should.
Howard said this woman went to jail and had to pay a fine for what she did. Howard said it was only $225. Robin said that's not a stiff penalty at all.
Howard said the family of one of the dead people filed a million dollar lawsuit against her. Howard read some of the quotes from the woman about why she did what she did. The woman said she does it out of fear of love relationships. Howard said that's a pretty wacky story. He said he's not sure what the outcome will be. Robin said they'll have to stay on top of this. Howard said he thought he had heard everything but this girl was wild.
Steve Grillo...'bud I downt have a plaze to livea...heh heh' 2-21-96. Mike Gange and Steve Grillo are losing their home. Stuttering John has been subbing out his NYC apartment to Mike and Steve but John's landlord want's John evicted. From what I gather, John isn't supposed to be renting his apartment out to anyone and the landlord found out about Mike and Steve. John, Mike and Steve got in to a huge yelling match late this morning about this matter.
Grillo thinks that John can't throw him out because he doesn't have anywhere else to go. That's not John's problem. Mike seems to understand this but he doesn't really want to move out either.
All three say that they have lawyers trying to stop the eviction but one of the lawyers called in and told them all to shut up because they're all ruining the case.
These arguments went back and forth for quite some time. Mike Gange was saying too much so the Lawyer asked him specifically to be quiet. Howard was wondering how he could get Steve Grillo out of his office. He was afraid he was going to squat in there too.
Howard said he loves the interns. He could watch this stuff going on all day long. Howard called the office and asked to speak to Grillo. Howard asked him if he was locking himself in there. Grillo said he just had to go in and cool off for a minute.
Intern Day. 2-22-96. Today's show was chock full of interns. Stuttering John, Steve Grillo and Mike Gange continued their arguing about Johns apartment. The boys still didn't want to get the hell out of John's apartment until Howard pounded some sense in to their heads. After a long and funny argument, Steve finally broke down and said that he'd move out next Monday. It seems that he may be moving in with a gay listener that offered to be his roommate for $200 a month, cheap for NYC. Gange was more stubborn. He wants to take the whole mess to the courts and fight it out there...something about squatters rights. Eventually he said that he'd move out by next Friday but I don't think that he was serious.
Tom Chiusano's Broken Pinkie. 9/26/02. 7:50am
Howard said there was something strange going on with General Manager Tom Chiusano. He said that Tom was walking around with a cast on his hand because he'd broken his pinkie. Howard said Tom didn't want to talk about it with him because it was something dumb that he'd done. Howard said he later found out that Tom punched a door after his suit fell on the floor. There was more to it though. Tom came in and explained what happened that day. He played a card game with some friends and ended up losing for the 20th week in a row so he got pissed. He went home and started hanging his freshly cleaned suit and punched the suit in anger a few times. When he did that he hit the door it was hanging on and broke his pinkie. Howard and the rest of the guys ended up goofing on Tom for about 15 minutes after hearing the whole story.
Howard played a couple of the new ones and they're just as good, if not better, than the ones he's done in the past. In one call he asks a talk show host if the West Nile Virus originated from Artie Lange's balls. In another call he calls in as Kelli Ripa and asks Suzanne Somers if she'd sleep with Howard Stern while she was on the Home Shopping Network. In another call Janks asks some talk show guys if they'd like to be tea bagged by Howard Stern. Of course they just try to avoid the question and move on.
Howard asked Janks what he thinks about these guys like High Pitch Erik trying to replace him. Janks said he doesn't look at it like they're replacing him. He said he enjoys them all and loves the Crank Yankers TV show. He said he'd like to get some of his calls on that show.
Ronnie Spector's Visit From July 30, 1987. 08/27/07. 8:35am
After a break we heard Jon and Gary introduce another segment. This one was a segment where Ronnie Spector came in and sang a song parody. The segment originally aired on July 30, 1987.
In the clip we heard Howard introducing Ronnie Spector after she showed up a little late. He talked to her about the outfit she was wearing and how it wasn't quite as sexy as what she wore on Letterman. He also told Ronnie that Jackie went to see her when he was in 7th grade and she was the first one that he ''fantasized'' about.
Howard told Ronnie that they had written a song parody for her to sing that was to the tune of her song ''Be My Baby.'' Their song was ''Eat My Baby'' which came about after they read some stories about pit bulls killing some kids in the news. Howard was going to have her sing it but he spent a little more time talking to her about what she's got going on in her life.
Howard talked to Ronnie about her ethnic background for a minute and then asked if she would show what she had on under her pants. Howard said she gave him a peek at what she had going on down there. Howard asked to hear her new record. He checked out the album cover and said she looked good on there.
Howard sent up his harmonizer so his voice was really high. He wasn't able to take Ronnie and Robin off of it so they all had their voices up high. He eventually got it set up right thanks to Scott the Engineer. Once they were set up Howard sang the song to Ronnie so she'd know what they had in store for her. He sang the whole song and then had Ronnie perform it. Howard and Robin backed up Ronnie in the song ''Eat My Baby.''
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Ronnie before wrapping up the interview. He told her that he was 33 years old and she claimed that she thought that he looked younger. Ronnie actually performed the song for a second time to get it down even better.
Adult Film Star Jenna Jameson Visits. 02/01/06. 7:50am
After the break Howard had the guys bring in adult film star Jenna Jameson. Howard put on his sunglasses for her and said that Jenna is one chick who claims that she really wanted him to screw her and he wouldn't do it. Howard said that she looks better than ever when she came walking in. He said that the blonde hair is best for her look and she seems to have lost the extra weight that she was starting to gain recently. She was trying to get pregnant at the time and gained 30 pounds. She decided against that and gave up on trying to have a baby. She's back to doing the things she does best. She's running her own company and has contract girls who work for her.
Howard heard that Jenna is advising girls not to do Bukkake movies and things like that. She told Howard that the girls have to work their way up from being small to the big time. Jenna said that she never did anal films and only did the things that felt good on camera. She said that the anal stuff wouldn't feel good on camera so she would never do that or an anal gang bang. She said that's not how you make the money in the business. She said that the girls should start out doing girl/girl and work their way up from there.
Jenna said that the girls will have a life of about a year in the business if they get pissed and shit on. Howard asked Jenna what the craziest thing she ever did was. She wasn't sure what she could say on the air. Howard told her she's on satellite now so she can say anything. Howard told her to remove her pants because they are on satellite now. She refused to do that but she told Howard that she recently did a scene with Bella Donna and she's almost always the top girl in the sex. Jenna said that she shredded her though.
Florentine told Howard that Jenna tried to drag his girlfriend into the bathroom out in Vegas last year to have sex with her. He said he was upset that they were going to leave him out of it. Jenna said that she loves to have sex in the bathrooms out in Vegas.
Howard and Jenna talked about her husband and the giant rock she had on her finger. She said it was a 9.5 carat diamond. While they were talking about that Jenna mentioned that she was in a bathroom with Jenny McCarthy one time. Howard was kind of surprised to hear that Jenny goes that way. Jenna said that they've been friends for a long time. Then someone came in and showed Howard a picture of Jenna that they had up on the web site. It ruined the discussion so Howard told Jenna that he wants her to sit on this Sybian sex toy they have there. Jenna said that she's done that before and it's really intense, maybe too much.
Howard got back to the Jenny McCarthy story and asked her more about that. He said he has to see the two of them together and wants her to invite him to their next session. He also said that he doesn't want to be mentioned in her next book if she does that. Howard asked Jenna if she's still locked up in a lawsuit about her last book. Jenna said she is and she's kind of bummed out about that because she really liked Judith Regan who she's now suing.
Howard told Jenna about how Judith Regan once shoved an ice cube up his ass. He was sitting at a table with some lawyers and she shoved an ice cube down his pants while they were at the table. Jenna said that's a pretty crazy thing to do. Howard said that he and Judith had that kind of relationship though.
Howard asked Jenna if she's ever refused another woman before because of smell. Jenna said she has and she does ''the finger test'' on them to check them before doing it. She said she politely tells them that she can't be with them if they stink. Jenna got back to her Jenny McCarthy story but got a bit sidetracked after she mentioned Courtney Love. Howard asked her if she ever did her. Jenna said she never did but she liked Courtney. Jenna told Howard that she and Jenny were hanging out at a lingerie party one time and they were dancing together and having a lot of fun.
Howard was going nuts as he heard this story about Jenna and Jenny. Jenna said that Jenny's husband was there and was enjoying watching them. Then she and Jenny went into a bathroom to mess around in private. She said the bathroom was packed but they didn't care. Jenna said ''that's Vegas'' but Howard told her that might be Vegas for her, but it's not like that for him. Jenna said that she and Jenny kind of just pulled panties off to the side and messed around. She said that she was really nervous when that was going on though. Jenna thinks that she's become a bit of a prude over the years.
Jenna told Howard that she kind of leaned back against the wall while Jenny got right to it and licked her. She said she was too nervous to go much further. She said it was super hot but she didn't return the favor to Jenny. She said she wasn't able to stop thinking about it for months after that. She did call Jenny a couple of times after that. Then they met again at an event at the Hard Rock where both of them were hired to host a Halloween party. Jenna said that they were dressed as the devil and an angel. Howard said he had to beat off after hearing that. Jim said he had clear stuff coming out of his dick.
Howard asked Jenna how she and Jenny finally hooked up. She told Howard that they went into some secluded booths that they had there at the Hard Rock. They were in the booth and Jenny looked over at her with her legs apart. She went over to her and messed around with her hands. They did that for hours and both of them came. Jenna said it was their last time seeing each other. She said that Jenny is a really sexy girl. Howard didn't know that she went both ways like that.
Howard gave Jenna a plug for her Jenna Bowl party that she's holding on February 3rd. You can find out more at VividClubJennaBowl.com. Howard then asked Jenna if she was willing to get on this Sybian thing they had in the studio. She saw it and thought it was pretty small. Howard played her some clips from the tape that came with the unit where they instruct people on how to use it. Jenna said she didn't want to do it because there was insertion involved. She said she can't do insertion. Gary told her that they have a bunch of attachments for the unit. There is a vibration attachment and it sounded like a lawn mower as Gary tried it out.
Jenna said she would do it if she could keep her panties on. Howard sent her right over to the Sybian and described it as a vibrating butt plug type thing with all kinds of attachments. It had never been used since Howard got it for his birthday a couple of weeks ago. Howard told Jenna she looked great in her black panties. Jenna said she was scared sitting on the thing but she made some adjustments before Gary turned it on. Gary started it off slow and Jenna started moaning a few seconds later. She asked him to speed it up a bit and sounded like she was enjoying it. She said that it's really strong. Gary said that it was only on at about an 1/8th of what it could do. Jenna was squealing but she was afraid that she was going to break it.
Howard asked Jenna not to fake anything and to let it happen if she could. Jenna was short of breath and claimed that she actually had an orgasm. She finished within a couple of minutes. Richard said it was great for him too. Jenna told Howard that it was great but she was out of breath. She told Howard that she was kind of numb from it.
JD told Howard that P. Diddy was out watching in Gary's office and seemed to like it. Howard had the guys bring him in to meet Jenna. Diddy said he came on the right day and asked Jenna to stick around during his interview.
P. Diddy Visits During Jenna's Appearance. 02/01/06. 8:20am
Howard said Jenna looked like she was drunk from that Sybian thing. Diddy said that he has seen Jenna's movies before so he knows of her. He said he got aroused watching her get off. Artie said he was busy eating but she's something else. Howard told Diddy that he was next up for the Sybian. Richard asked if he could go smell the thing. He went over to it and said ''Mmmm.'' Richard said it had a nice perfume smell to it. Howard then asked to take a whiff. He didn't smell much of anything so Diddy took it and said that it smells like ''PUSSY!... Good pussy!''
Howard had Jenna sit down with Diddy. He said she looks like she just had sex with an army of men. She said that she did. Howard wondered if Jenna has ever been with a black man before. She said she had so Diddy told her that he's worth over $500 million but later said he was just kidding. The guys were really stunned by Jenna's performance so they continued to talk to her about what had just gone on.
Howard asked Diddy about what's going on with him. He said that everything is great but he still had his arm around Jenna. Howard knew that Diddy wanted her. Howard asked Jenna if she had her boobs enlarged because they looked so good to him. She said she actually had them decreased in size. Howard told Diddy about Jenna's appearance in his movie ''Private Parts'' and how she used to walk around the set naked. Jenna asked Howard if she could leave because she had some slightly wet panties to get rid of. Howard gave her another plug for Jenna's party and Diddy let her know that he was going to stop by the party this weekend.
Howard read a story about Diddy's crazy parties and asked him what kind of wild stuff he used to have going on at his house. He said he used to freak out his neighbors out in Scarsdale, New York when he would fill up his pool with a bunch of nice young ladies. He said he had a good time with those ladies back then. Diddy thanked God for all of that great things that he's had in his life. The guys thought that was kind of funny because he was thanking God for the orgies he's had.
Howard let Jenna go because she looked like she was really worn out. The guys spent some time talking about that. Howard said they'll be putting that on his TV channel eventually. Diddy said that's something people have to see. The guys then got into some other discussions about what's going on with Diddy. Howard asked him when he last spoke to Jennifer Lopez. He said it was just a couple of months ago and he's still friendly with her and her husband Marc Anthony.
In the clip Howard played a Honeymooners bit that they had just finished. They had Fred playing Ralph Cramden and Howard as Norton. Ralph was unable to have kids so that's what the basis for the skit was. Norton wants to help out so he donates sperm and Ralph ends up eating it when he thinks it's custard.
After playing the bit Howard took some calls to find out what the audience thought of the bit. One caller asked a question about a toilet flush in the bit. Howard had to explain it to the guy and Robin said the caller was getting awfully technical.
Pete Rose Comes In. 11/30/99. 8:15am
Ex-baseball player Pete Rose came in to plug a web site this morning. SportCut.com is running a survey on their site to find out whether or not people think Pete should be reinstated in the game of baseball. When Pete first came in Howard had just finished talking about how he'd been over in 'Nam. Pete told Howard that he was in Vietnam with Joe Dimaggio back in 1967 to entertain the troops. He said he had to give Joe a shower one time. He explained that since they were out in the jungle in a tent that they didn't have running water so he had to pour water on Joe so he could clean up. Howard just wanted to know if Pete ever sniffed Joe's fingers and if they smelled like Marilyn Monroe. Pete said that subject was off limits with Joe so he never spoke to him about it.
Howard also spent most of the interview talking about Pete not being allowed back in baseball or the Baseball Hall of Fame. Pete said the hall of fame thing is not that important to him. He said being reinstated in the game is the thing he wants. Howard gave him some advice and told him to just admit that he gambled on baseball, even though he didn't, just so they'd let him back in the game. Pete told Howard he's not going to do that because he didn't bet on the game. He admitted to betting on other sports but not baseball. Pete compared that to Howard admitting that he's a fag even though he's not. Howard quickly yelled out that he admits he's a fag.
Howard and Pete also spoke about the SportCut.com voting thing and about Pete's 10 year old daughter who's now an actress. Howard took some calls and a few people argued about Pete's betting habits. One guy said he always gave Pete the benefit of the doubt until he read the Dowd report on the web. Pete said that there are two sides to every story and his side hasn't been heard yet. Pete pointed out that in today's paper it's reported that the baseball executives will meet with his attorney to discuss his reinstatement. Pete said he has evidence that he never bet on Baseball and that will be brought up in the meeting.
Before Pete left Howard asked him why today's baseball players spit so much. Pete said it's because they're not chewing tobacco anymore, they're chewing sunflower seeds and spitting them out. They also discussed the recent interview with Jim Gray where Jim hounded Pete about his gambling. Pete said he was upset that Jim lied about the interview and didn't apologize to him after it.
Actor Lee Ermey Comes In As Sgt. Hartman. 10/18/02. 7:15am
Actor R. Lee Ermey, who played Sgt. Hartman in ''Full Metal Jacket'', came in to talk to Howard. Howard said he's always wanted to talk to the guy. He came in as Sgt. Hartman and yelled at him like he was in ''Full Metal Jacket.'' It sounded like they had a script written for the guy and everyone had their own lines to go along with the script. He insulted everyone about stuff they've talked about on the show. The script was funny though. He goofed on Artie about being fat, goofed on KC about being gay and running out of the studio on 9/11. He goofed on John's stuttering and goofed on him for a short time. He went off on ''Martian freak'' Fred for a couple of seconds before going off on Baba Booey. He goofed on his fat ass and his ''green tombstone teeth'' and wondered if he has ''mood teeth'' that change color when his mood changes. Sgt. Hartman went off on Robin and called her Star Jones and Whoopi.
After doing the bit Howard gave Ermey a plug for his show ''Mail Call'' which airs on the History Channel on Monday nights at 8pm. You can find more info at HistoryChannel.com. Ermey stayed in character through the whole thing and before leaving he went off on Artie and Howard again. He told Artie he was so greasy that it looked like he washed himself with a funnel cake. He also went off on KC again about being stupid. Howard gave Ermey another plug and talked to him a little bit about this show of his. He said he's having a lot of fun doing the show. Howard also told him how great he was in ''Full Metal Jacket.'' Ermey said that most of the lines he used in the film were written by him. Howard asked him if he ever does his Sgt. Hartman character in bed with his wife. He said he never got off on doing that, he likes to say cuddly things to his wife in bed. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that.
In the clip Howard was playing another racist group's voice mail message. He didn't think it sounded as good as a Daniel Carver clip so he played that instead. In the message Daniel was spewing his hatred as usual and going off about prisons and then going off on homosexuals. Carver says that AIDS will clean up our world. Carver was going on and on using the N-word over and over again. Carver has theories on AIDS and he was on a roll with that stuff.
Howard and Robin said he was back to being the old Daniel. Howard said he thinks that he missed coming to New York and being part of the Hollywood Squares bit. Howard said he may have to work on New Year's Eve to fix that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:40am.
In the clip Howard brought DJ Bob Wah down into the ''homo room'' with him. He and Fred had some sound effects for the room so it sounded like they were in a basement. Howard and Fred did some gargling with Bob first. Then Howard talked about trying to fit roller skates into their buttocks. Bob wasn't really even reacting to the stuff they were doing down there. He just went along with it and did an effeminate voice.
Fred said he was getting thirsty but he didn't have a can opener with him. Howard asked if they could use Bob's ass to open up the bottles. They had sound effects for that. Fred broke a bottle in his ass so Howard said he'd pick the pieces out with his teeth.
Howard and the guys were singing while they were down there too. They sang some Christmas songs and parodies of Christmas songs. Howard said they had to take a break and come back and do ''Ben Wah Balls.''
After an edited out break Howard came back and explained what they had done so far in the Homo Room. They sang another song which was the ''Ben Wah Balls'' thing he referenced earlier. That was to the tune of ''Jingle Bells.'' Howard opened up some more ''Butt Light'' beer with Ben's ass. Then they sang another Christmas song parody.
Howard talked to Bob about the nurses he has coming in to take care of his kids. He asked if Bob had put the baby up to his own breast yet. Bob said he had. Howard said he had to take another break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard spent a little more time talking to Bob in his regular voice. Then he wanted to sing another song parody. Howard and Fred did that one and another one a short time later. Howard wrapped up with the Homo Room a short time later. Howard said Bob has to go back to his wife and kids now. Howard said the Homo Room is the most exclusive club in the New York area. They came up out of the room and Howard thanked Bob for stopping by. Bob left a short time later. Howard said he tried to get his son's name while they were down there but Bob wouldn't tell them. Howard said the Homo Room brings out strange things in people.
Incubus Performs Live In The Studio. 10/24/01. 8:55am
The band Incubus came in to perform a cover version of Led Zeppelin's ''Immigrant Song'' for Howard. Howard spoke to the guys for a few minutes before they performed. Brandon the lead singer was first up. Howard had notes about him that said he's had women chasing after him since he was just a child. Brandon said that he got beat up a lot as a kid but he doesn't remember women chasing him. Howard said Brandon's mother had said something about that in an interview somewhere. Howard also read that the magazine ''Teen People'' had voted Brandon one of the hottest guys in music. Gilbert Gottfried said that he was fascinated that a guy has women who actually come after him. He's never experienced anything like that. Howard also read that Brandon never cheated on his girlfriend while he was on the road. Brandon said he was faithful to his girlfriend at the time but he doesn't have one now.
Howard moved on to talk to the other guys in the band. He spoke to Mike Einziger who they spoke about a little earlier in the show. He's Scott Einziger's cousin... Howard then spoke to Chris who plays the turntables. He also quickly spoke to Jose and Dirk.
The guys said that they have a check for the charity that Howard was collecting for. They said that they're donating $51,000 to the same charity and the check would be there in about an hour.
The band wanted Howard to sing along with ''Immigrant Song'' so Howard finally agreed to do it. He sang the crowing part where they go ''Ahhhhh Ahhhh Ahhhh Ahhhhh'' and pretty much ruined the song. The band said Howard did kind of mess up their timing with his crowing. They then performed their new single ''Wish You Were Here'' which is on their new album ''Morning View'' which just came out yesterday. That was a great performance that made up for the ruined Led Zeppelin song.
Howard thanked them for the big donation that they're making and then took some phone calls. Howard saw the band perform at a concert one time and said that they were great. The phone callers were saying the same thing.
After taking a bunch of calls Howard said the band will be appearing at Tower Records in New York City this evening at 5pm. You can find out more info at EnjoyIncubus.com. Howard also said that while he watched the band he thought about how he wasted his youth doing drugs and reading comic books when he should have been learning to play an instrument like these guys did. Gilbert Gottfried had a similar wasted youth. He sat around and watched old horror movies so now his talent is doing ''Dracula Gottfried.'' After talking about that Howard wrapped up the segment and took a break.
After the break someone called in and told Howard that the beginning of the ''Immigrant Song'' was screwed up. Howard said it was Scott the Engineer again. He said Scott forgot to hit a button when the band was starting to play so he hit it after they started. Howard said that he doesn't even argue with Scott anymore because it's pointless.
Howard spent a little bit of time talking about Oprah Winfrey and how an author recently decided that he didn't want Oprah's book club to pick his stuff for their book of the month. He said that Oprah's seal of approval sticker is a corporate logo that he doesn't want on his book. Howard said he thinks that's great and he wants to get that guy on the show to talk to him about it.
Howard also talked about Oprah having this guy Dr. Phil on her show to yell at people about their relationships. Howard and the crew spent a few minutes goofing on that guy and Oprah. Richard Jeni said that Oprah is supposed to be doing a show about self-help but she's 200 pounds overweight. He said there's no way he'd take advice from someone like that.
Sal the Stockbroker called in at one point and told Howard he blew his chance at the Concert for New York on Saturday night. Sal seems to think that Howard could have bashed Osama bin Laden instead of bashing the celebrities that fled New York. Howard ended up hanging up on Sal after he defended his monologue saying that he just said what was on his mind.
Benjy May Have Blown His Chance At Tattoo Removal. 12/13/07. 6:00am
Howard started off the show wondering where to begin. He had his Secret Santa gift for Lori the intern. Robin had hers to give too. She said that it was a very tough assignment because it was the worst name she could have pulled out of the hat. She said that she only had one gift to think about but it was the hardest to buy. Howard said that his was easy to pick out.
Artie said he has Benjy and he has something very nice for him. He said he may need or want it. Robin asked if they were new teeth since Ivy Supersonic was looking to get them fixed. Howard said he thought Benjy was going to get Ivy's tattoos removed for her as a gift. They have a doctor who will do it for free but Benjy will have to do something crazy to get it.
Howard wondered what they could have Benjy do but they didn't have any ideas. Fred said that he'd have to reveal his real birthday by showing them a birth certificate. Howard said that was okay. Gary suggested that he just act normal for a week and answer questions. Howard said that they have a guy who says he knows how old Benjy is because he went to school with him and they were the same age at the time.
Fred also suggested that they have Benjy record sex with Ivy. Benjy said he already did that. He said he recorded it but he's had mixed feelings about playing it on the air. The guys said that they could give him the name of the doctor if he plays that. Benjy already knows the guy's name though. He said he won't get anything done without their permission first.
Howard said that all he has to do is bring the tape in. Benjy said that the sex was just a hand release. Howard told him it has to be intercourse though. Benjy said that he was using his finger on Ivy, that's what he was doing in the tape. Howard said that it sounds staged to him and he doesn't want anything to do with that. Benjy said he always carries around the recording because he has a recorder with him all the time.
Benjy asked if they want him to go home and do it now over the phone. They told him to do it but he had other ideas. He just wants them to play the tape once. Howard said they can't do that and they won't cut it out of the show like he asked.
Benjy said he would go home now and do it now if they agreed to just do it once. Howard said that won't happen and told him to forget about it.
Gary said he heard something on the intern show last night about Benjy. He said that someone sent Artie a box of 36 packs of cookies and Artie didn't take them for some reason. They got thrown on the glom pile back there and Benjy ended up taking 33 of the 36 packs for himself. Benjy said he thought they were in there for a couple of days and he was just using them up.
Howard wondered if they should do the Secret Santa thing now. They held off on that for a while since Lori the Intern was out doing something. Howard said that Double A wasn't going to help them out with this but he was going to be there in an elf outfit. He said that they insisted that he show up like that today to see Beth. Howard said he should be there soon.
Howard said that he thinks that the intern will enjoy this gift. He said Beth helped him pick it out and it was a two part gift. He said that one part was his idea, one was Beth's. He said he didn't go crazy with this gift.
Secret Santa Gifts Exchanged. 12/13/07. 6:50am
Howard wondered if they should do this Secret Santa thing now. Gary said that Lori the intern was back so they could do it. Howard wondered if it would be too boring. Robin said that they should do the main people there so yes they should.
Howard had Lori come in and Robin said that she had never seen her before. Howard said that he hopes she likes his gift to her. He asked her how her internship went. She said that it went well and talked to Howard about that for a short time. She said that she's going to school so she can get into some form of media. She said that she'd like to have a job on the air as some kind of personality. Artie let out a laugh and told her that's not possible. He said he was just kidding though.
Gary said that he heard that Lori's least favorite person there is Ronnie the Limo Driver. He apparently yells at her every morning. Howard said that he shouldn't be interacting with people there. Lori said she likes him but he busts her ass every morning when she comes in. Gary said that the intern that he wouldn't bust on is a 300 pound intern.
Howard wished Lori a Merry Christmas and gave her the gift. He asked Robin for his too since she was his Secret Santa. Lori opened hers, Howard opened his without even opening his card. Robin said that she got two different things for Howard. She had to decide which one to give him. Howard had to dig through paper and boxes to get to the well protected gift.
Lori opened her gift and said that it was a Mark Jacobs purse and inside the purse there was a $1000 gift certificate to Bloomingdale's. She made out very well and said that she could never afford a Mark Jacobs bag. Robin said that's why you want to have Howard's name as your Secret Santa. Artie said that she made out like crazy. Howard said he was going to take her on vacation with him but she may have taken that wrong.
Robin got Howard a new desk set with a letter opener and a magnifying glass. It was a very expensive set. Howard said that it was just great and he really liked it. He said that the letter opener was nice and he really liked it. It was made of Sterling Silver. Howard read the note that Robin included in the gift and thanked her for that as well. Robin said that she got the set at an antique show that she went to.
Fred said that his gift goes to someone by the name of Adam who works for the Howard Stern tape team. Howard said that everyone should just give out their gifts and say what they got.
Richie Wilson came in and said that he got Artie a dinner with Thurman Munson's family and the rest of the 1970 Yankees. Artie said that was amazing. He really appreciated that. He said that was fantastic. That's happening on February 5th. Howard said that would be so much pressure for him to go to something like that. He said that it was probably great for Artie though. Artie said that it's a little bit of pressure for him but he'd rather do it than not do it. Howard said he'd beat Richie up if he did that for him.
Howard heard that Lisa G had freaked out when she saw Lori's bag. He wanted to know what she got. She hadn't gotten her gift yet. She said that she has to give something to Skippy in Engineering. Artie was still on the gift he got from Richie Wilson.
Artie got Benjy a gift so he gave that to him. Howard had him open that up. He got some incredible books and an iPhone. Benjy said that he's been dying for one and he really liked that. Howard told him that was a great gift. Benjy read the note he got from Artie as well. Gary said that he was asked if that was a regifting of the iPhone. Artie said it wasn't, he got him a new one. Artie also got Benjy a couple of books including the Steve Martin book and a couple of others. Benjy and Artie hugged after that and Howard said it was gross seeing that.
Howard took a call from Siobhan the transsexual who thanked them for the prize money that she got a while back. She said that they were very happy about that. She also said that if they wanted to see the cat portraits that she's doing they could go to ArtMesh.com and look up Siobhan Meow. That led to Howard saying that he doesn't want any listener letters sent home with him. He said that Gary sent home a card from Siobhan recently and he really doesn't want to touch that stuff. He just wants it photocopied. Siobhan is doing drawings of pets and she said that she wants to do them live but Howard doesn't want to do that live.
Robin said that she got wood chimes as a gift. She said this is why they do the Secret Santa thing. Ryan from the tapes team was the one who got Robin's name. Howard asked Ryan what made him get her those chimes. He said that his family has always had them and he grew up near the factory so that's what he got her. He didn't know what else to get for her, she owns a race car. The guys goofed on Ryan about his gift a little bit. Ryan said that she could put them up at her beach house. Howard asked her if she'll do that. She said she doubts that she'll do that.
Howard said that he can't imagine living near a wind chime factory. He said that it must have kept him up because Ryan looks like he doesn't get much sleep. The guys kept goofing on him for a few minutes about the gift and the wind chime thing. Artie said that he met some of Ryan's friends at a comedy show not too long ago and all of his friends looked like they didn't get much sleep.
Ryan said his family always had the wind chimes from Woodstock Chimes so that was the thing he thought of for Robin. He said that everyone else was suggesting that he get her a platter of meats and vegetables. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was Ryan's father and had a bunch of chimes playing in the background. Artie told Ryan that this was a better joke than if he had gotten Robin meats and vegetables.
Howard said he's always hated wind chimes and there was a station down in Philly that played them in the background all the time. He always hated them. He said this makes sense though. If you grow up near a wind chime factory, it only makes sense that you'd give them as a gift. Artie said that Howard lives next to the Mark Jacobs factory so it's a running theme today. Fred said it's a good thing that Ryan didn't grow up near the horse shit factory.
Artie said that he's also hooking Benjy up with a year's worth of service for that iPhone he got him. Howard had to go to break after that.
More Secret Santa Gifts Exchanged. 12/13/07. 7:35am
Howard asked Fred what he got for a gift. Fred said his gift was from Joe and he got a long sleeve hoodie. Howard liked it and asked him if he could have it. Fred laughed and said that he wanted it for himself. He thought it was kind of cool. Howard told Robin to try and trade for the wind chimes. Fred said he would do that and he'd like to put them outside of his house for his daughter. Robin and Fred agreed to do the trade.
Robin said that she may want to try and barter with the shirt. She said she may trade up from the shirt to something else.
Howard asked Richard what he got. Richard got a nice motorcycle jacket from Affliction. Jarred Fox, Tim's assistant, got him one. Gary said he thinks that it's about a $700 jacket. Artie said that Jarred must have some scratch.
Gary said that Fred got his guy a great gift. His guy was Adam from Ferrall's show and from the tapes team. Fred gave him $500 in cash. Adam said that he's an intern so that money means a lot to him. Gary said that it was a wad of cash in a bag that Fred gave him to give to Adam.
Howard said that Benjy didn't buy anything for his Secret Santa guy. Benjy said that he's going to take his guy down to the ATM to give him the gift. He didn't get the money on the way in this morning. Benjy's guy was Chris Costa from Howard TV. Howard asked him about what happened with Benjy. Chris said that Benjy went up to another guy and told him that he was going to get him his gift. Benjy thought he was Chris but he had the wrong guy. Benjy said they look the same.
Howard said that he didn't want to waste time with him and thought it was kind of tacky to take the guy down to the ATM to do that. Jason came in and said that Benjy said he had to take him down to the ATM but Benjy claimed that he was told to bring Chris with him by someone else.
Howard told Benjy that he should have had his gift there but Benjy went off on everyone and gave Howard a ''Fuck you!'' and then took it back and gave that to Robin.
Gary said that someone gave Jon Hein his gifts but also asked for some plugs on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said that wasn't cool. Artie said that some of the guys really did get fucked in this whole thing.
One of the Howard TV editors came in and said that he was the one who gave Jon Hein his gift. Jason Katz was his name and he did ask for a plug as a gift back to him. Jon Hein came in after that and said that there was a picture of a hippopotamus on the gift. Jason asked him if he still has it because he thought it looked really cool. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Jason is like an idiot savant because he acts really strange. He said that he wants to punch him in the face sometimes when he's trying to talk to him. He said that he's about on the intelligence level of Miss Howard Stern when it comes to math.
Jason said that the plug was for his YouTube site at YouTube.com/FMLTV. He said that they've done some movies including some stuff with Sal the Stockbroker. He worked on the meat and vegetables thing with Sal for the film festival.
Jason weighed about 300 pounds a couple of years ago but he's lost quite a bit of that. They talked to him about that for a short time before Scott the Engineer came in.
Scott said that Jim McClure got him some comedy books that may help him be funny. Howard thanked him for that and sent him on his way.
Jeff The Drunk Gets A Job Offer. 12/13/07. 7:50am
Jeff the Drunk was on the phone and Howard said he had a guy who wants to offer him a job. Jeff was mumbling into his phone so Howard asked him what was wrong. Jeff said there was nothing wrong so Howard got this guy Adam on the line to ask him what this job was. Adam said that he sells guitars on the web and he'd like to give him some money to model with the guitars. He said that they could have him sign some autographs on the guitar and stuff like that.
Will came in and said that this wasn't what the guy told him he wanted Jeff to do. He wanted Jeff to do some internet marketing. Adam said that's what he wanted to do but he had this other stuff too. He claimed he wasn't trying to get plugs or anything. He said that he wanted Jeff to go out and find them ad space and things like that. Jeff the Drunk said that he doesn't have a computer so he wouldn't be able to do that.
Adam said that he could get Jeff a computer but he needs internet access. The guys told him that won't happen. Howard let Adam get in a plug for his web site ChrisGuitars.com before Howard let him go.
Artie could tell that something was up with Jeff so he tried to find out what it was. Jeff was bummed out but he wasn't sure why. Jeff said that he does miss his mother around the holidays. Robin said that he's probably missing everyone else from the hospital too. Jeff said that he sits at home at his brother's house all day while he works. He let Jeff go a short time later.
In the clip Howard had this woman in who had written to them about her foot fetish. Howard said she doesn't appear to weigh more than 90 pounds. The woman, Anna, said that she has guys who worship her feet. Howard found out she's Puerto Rican and said that they will do things to you that other women won't. He said they pay attention to the butt. Howard said it's more than grabbing the butt and it's the reason he doesn't want her tongue on his foot. Howard said Puerto Rican women have a lot of hair too.
Howard asked Anna about this guy she's with. She said he's a big black guy who weighs about 250 pounds. Howard asked if she's into black guys. She said she likes black men but not Puerto Rican men. She said the guy looks like Refrigerator Perry. Howard said he must crush her since she's so small.
Howard asked Anna about how she met this boyfriend. She said she met him on a CB radio. She said that they were just talking and decided to meet. She said they have been together for 5 years and they have one child together. Howard asked why he won't marry her. She said they don't want to get married.
Howard read the note that Anna sent to him about how she wanted him to see her feet. Howard asked if she wants him to tie her up when he looks at them. She said she wants him to do everything to her. Howard said he can't do everything but he did want to do some stuff with her feet. Howard said she wants to see his feet too. Howard said he would like to do that and experience the whole thing. Howard said maybe he can cut off her stockings with scissors. Howard said he bets that her boyfriend has never done that. Howard said he had to take a break before getting to that.
After the edited out break Howard came back and said that Anna's boyfriend wanted to see Robin's feet. He was wondering if they're dirty. Robin asked why they'd be dirty. Howard said that his are a little dirty. He said he might get hooked on this foot fetish thing. Howard said she'll know if he vomits in the first few minutes.
Howard said Anna was supposed to wear lingerie today but she didn't do that. She said she could get down to her bra and panties. Howard said he does want some sex in this. He said that he can tie her up. He said she doesn't shave her legs. He said she has more hair on her thighs than he does. Howard said she has to shave up there. Anna said she shaves the lower parts of her legs. Howard asked Anna if she has a moustache. He looked and didn't see anything. She did have some hair on the side of her face. Howard said she could shave that hair on her legs.
Howard tied Anna to a chair in the studio. He said he was thinking of hog tying her. He said he could tie her wrists to her ankles. Howard said he may just tie her to the chair. Robin wanted him to do the wrists to ankles. She described how to do it but Howard didn't want to do that. Howard said he's having enough trouble doing what he's doing.
Howard said he's not sure how he's going to tie her feet. Howard said Anna really has a lot of hair on her and she doesn't really have very attractive feet. He said they were really sweaty too. Howard told her she has to shave her thighs. He said that he was cutting off her stockings to expose the hair. Howard asked if this was turning her on. Anna said it was. Howard said he'd rather have her worshiping his feet. He said her's are all sweaty.
Howard tickled Anna's feet with baby wipes. She seemed to like that. Howard tickled her some more and made her laugh. Howard said she loves that. Anna was laughing like crazy and Howard had to tell her to take it easy. He kept going and said she really loves it.
Howard said that he was going to tickle her with Scott's toupee. He tried that but she wasn't laughing so hard. Anna said that was kind of weak. Howard kept tickling her and made her laugh. Howard was telling her not to move but she got out of the bindings he had her in.
Howard had Anna calling him ''Commissioner Stern'' and made her do that a few times. Then he had her thank him for what he had just done. Anna laughed during most of the tickling. Howard said he might have to tie her right back up.
Howard asked Anna if she wanted to see his feet. He said he has to do that quickly since they have to get to some other things. Howard had Anna's boyfriend come in too. Howard asked about how they met on the CB radio. The guy said he had a CB radio in his house and so did Anna.
The boyfriend wanted to see Robin's feet. Howard said he's going to let him see her feet. Robin took her boots off and let the guy see them. Howard said he wants to see what's going on. He had the guy lift Robin's foot up. Howard had him tickle her a bit too. Howard wrapped up with Anna and her boyfriend, Andre, a short time later.
KC's Problems, Games And Jeff The Drunk. 8/13/03. 7:55am
Howard said there was another guy on the phone who wanted to sleep with his sister. He them put on Jeff the Drunk. Artie ended up doing his impression of Jeff a little bit. KC said he tried calling Jeff yesterday and his mother hung up on him. Howard seemed to find it funny that he still lives with his mother. He spent a few minutes talking to him about that for a short time. KC told Howard about calling Jeff yesterday and how rude his mother was to him. Jeff said his mother isn't like that though. Artie continued to do his impression of Jeff while this was going on. Jeff said that he went to a job interview but the people there didn't believe it was really Jeff the Drunk. They wanted him to mention their names on the air but the guys told him that wouldn't help him get a job. Jeff said it was for an escort service. A short time later Howard said he'd like to see Jeff the Drunk in a remake of ''American Gigalo'' or ''Pretty Woman.'' He said he guarantees it would be huge. KC asked Jeff when he starts drinking. He said he hadn't started yet but he wrapped up last night shortly before midnight. Artie, as Jeff, said that he starts drinking as soon as his mother gets up and starts her crying fit. That's when she realizes that she's Jeff the Drunk's mother.
Howard took a couple of calls from guys who had some names for his uncensored DVD. They had names like ''Howard Stern Un-Tom'd,'' ''Midgets, Bitches and Beer'' and ''Howard Stern Man Spackle.'' Another guy said ''Howard Stern in the Raw.'' Howard didn't seem to like any of those names though. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and suggested ''Howard Stern on FIRE!'' as a name for the DVD. Howard couldn't take her for long though. Richie from E! came in and said they came up with a short list of names for the DVD including:
In the clip Howard was talking to Gary about their Mystery Guest. Howard said he thinks that everyone should play next time because Jackie and Fred don't cover their eyes. Howard said Jackie and Fred never turn down a Mystery Guest either. He said they'll take anyone.
Howard and Robin got ready by putting masks over their eyes. Howard asked if this guy is a fan of theirs. Gary said it's hard to say. Robin covered her eyes and Howard covered his. Gary brought the guest in with an entourage.
Howard said hi to the guest and started asking questions. Howard and Robin went back and forth trying to figure out who he was. Howard said he knew who it was after two questions but he was wrong. Howard and Robin asked a few more questions and Robin found out he was an MC. Gary tried helping by saying he's famous for music but he's never made a record. Howard still didn't know who he was. Howard took a few guesses but wasn't able to get it. Gary tried to give them some hints but it didn't seem to help much. Even the Mystery Guest tried to give some hints but that wasn't working.
Gary told Howard that he made Peter Tork a Monkee. Howard eventually figured it out. Robin said she wanted to say that was him earlier. Don said that Howard once signed a picture to his daughter saying she had nice breasts. She was there with him.
Robin said she almost said Don Kirshner but she figured he would never come there. Howard said they're going to be there until 11 o'clock counting Don's money. They talked about the kind of money he must have made.
Howard asked Don why he's even working. Don said he's on page 23 of the paper today. He told Howard why he was in the paper. He said that he met Marla Maples at this event he was at. They spent a little time talking about that.
Howard asked Don's kids some questions since they were in the studio. Howard said they must have gotten laid being his kids. Howard said he should have claimed he was Don's son. Howard said he could have gotten laid that way. Howard said he loved Don Kirshner's Rock Concert show. He said he watched that show all the time.
Howard had Don put on his headphones so he could hear Robin. Robin asked if he lives in New York. Don said he lives in New Jersey. He said he built a place on 37 acres but that was too much for him. Howard said that the New Jersey Turnpike is Don's driveway.
Howard asked Don about his music publishing and the kind of money he must have made with that. They talked about the old show and some of the great acts that debuted there. Howard said he had Andrew Dice Clay back in the day and no one know he was even on the show because he was Andrew Clay at the time. Don said they're going through the old shows because they're bringing it back.
Howard read about some of the great songs Don produced. He said he was just doing that from memory so he's not naming them all.
Howard said maybe he should play Jackie's Pot Song for Don. He started to play one of Jackie's songs but it was the wrong one. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Don about money. Don said he probably did all the wrong things with his money. He said he did things in real estate and homes and stuff. Howard said if he was his father he'd just count his money every weekend. Howard talked to Don about working with Cousin Brucie but Don said he hasn't seen him much lately.
After an edited out break Howard said Don agreed to sit in during the news. Howard had Robin read through some stories and had Don commenting on them. Howard asked Don to stick around after the news. He liked having him and his daughter there.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Don and did an impression of Bill Medley with a really deep voice. He wrapped up and ended the segment a short time later.
Mr. Awesome Comes In. 2/9/01. 7:15am
This guy who calls himself Mr. Awesome came in for some unknown reason. Howard kept saying he wasn't sure why he was having this guy on the show. Then he said that Mr. Awesome is a guy who wrote a book about how to pick up women by placing an ad in the back of Playgirl magazine. Mr. Awesome did that 12 years ago and Howard had the picture. When the guy walked in Howard said it didn't look like the same guy. He showed it to Robin and she didn't believe it either.
Mr. Awesome didn't have all that much to say but he did talk about how he got calls from Hollywood Producers when he placed that ad in Playgirl. He ended up getting fellatio from a few of them to prove what kind of people they were. During that discussion the delay button was hit. He told Howard that he's not gay though.
Howard soon found out about the delay button hit and went nuts. He yelled at Andre for hitting the button and didn't know why it was hit. Gary came in and told Howard that it was hit because of the fellatio story. Apparently Howard or Mr. Awesome had said something about someone performing fellatio on someone else. Howard freaked out and said that he wants out of his new contract. He ended up yelling at Tom Chiusano also telling him that he wants out. Tom just laughed which pissed him off even more. He continued the rant for a few minutes. He said that Andre hit the delay on him when he said the word ''tit'' the other day. He said that everyone on the radio has been saying that and he was told it was okay. He also said that Imus is allowed to say the B.J. words on the air and he doesn't get censored.
A woman called in and told Howard to stop whining about the censoring and get back to some funny stuff. Howard called her a whore and told her to shut up and get out of his life.
Howard finally calmed down and got back to Mr. Awesome. He started over from the beginning and tried to find out why this guy placed the ad in Playgirl. Mr. Awesome said that he did it for personal satisfaction, not to get into the acting community like Howard said. After 45 minutes of trying to understand all of this, it finally came out. Mr. Awesome has a ''Rich and Famous Fellatio Hall of Fame'' in his book. What he's doing is exposing these producers who demand oral sex to put people in movies. Mr. Awesome claims that he has photos proving his allegations and they'll be in this book. He says that when the book comes out his life will be in danger because these rich producers will want him dead. You can get Mr. Awesome's book at RoyAwesome.com
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:35am.
Wesley Willis the Paranoid Schizophrenic Singer comes in. 9/26/96.
For some odd reason American Records has given this man a record deal. American has bands like the Black Crows on their label and now they have some guy who can barely sing. He came in this morning to meet Howard and to sing one of his songs. Every one of his songs sounds pretty much the same though. He does have a song on his album about Howard and that's probably why he was on the show. All of his songs seem to start out with him just repeating someone's name and then he talks a little then he repeats that name over and over. Howard tried to interview this guy but he was one of those ramblers who just talks and talks about weird stuff. He was saying that he doesn't like to ride in a car because demons follow him around. He calls them 'Hell Rides'. Howard asked the record company guy how they came across this guy but his story wasn't really clear. So anyway if you want this guys album it's called 'Fabian Road Warriors'. Buy it at your own risk...
Howard Flips Out On Dallas Station General Manager. 03/08/1995. 11:10am
Up next was a segment from March 8, 1995 when Howard went off on a program director from Dallas. Here's what happened:
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him about a promo they were running down in Dallas about an upcoming event they had going on. Howard demanded to hear the promo after the caller described it. He said that these stations do really stupid things like that once they get them on.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard they had a guy on the phone who was going to play it for him. In the first clip they had Gary talking about an appearance he was making down there. Howard said he was fine with that one. He told the guy to play him the one that they're talking about. The guy said that was it but then Howard asked to hear the ''good one'' that the caller was talking about.
The guy at the Dallas station said that this second one was the clip that they were talking about. It was another one that Gary did. Howard said there had to be another one. The board operator said that they stopped running that one yesterday but Howard demanded to hear it. The guy said that they didn't have it but Howard told him to play it, it has to be there. The guy eventually played that one and Howard was letting out a lot of ''ughs'' as it was playing.
Howard got all bummed out by the commercial and asked why they have to put his name into that commercial. He said that he had to retire this year if this is the kind of thing he has to suffer though. The board op said that they had another one but he didn't have it available. Howard said that it exists on tape somewhere and he's not hanging up until they find it.
Howard asked the guy what he's supposed to do about this. He said that he wants Donna Fidale, the General Manager at the station, to start thinking about what she's doing down there. He said that you have to project an image about the show down there and this isn't the way to do it.
Howard said he has to get out. He said he wants to move and just get outdoors somewhere. He told Robin that he'd miss her when he leaves. He said he has a feeling that Fred will follow him wherever he goes. He figured that poor Baba Booey would be working on an ice cream truck if he left though.
Howard wanted to hear this commercial that ran during ''The Bone'' on that station. He said that he wants someone to call in with that commercial so he can hear it. He ended up telling Stuttering John to come in there and rape him. He said he didn't even want him to use any lube. He told him he was pulling down his pants so he could rape him right then and there.
Howard said that Gary wasn't there to do it so he had to ask John to come in and do it. He said his cheeks were spread and he was ready to have him rape him. John came in a short time later and asked what he's supposed to do. Howard told him to just rape him and then told him to get away from him. Jackie was giggling as he was telling John what to do.
Howard was goofing on Donna Fidale for a couple of minutes about her accent. He said he wants her to call back in with that promo. He said he needs to control all of the stuff that gets played on these stations he's on. He said that's why he's such a control freak. He said that Donna might be stupider than Tom Chiusano is. He told her to marry Tom and have some nitwit children. He said they could have a whole house of nitwits running around.
Goofing On Scott The Engineer. 08/28/07. 7:55am
Next up was a clip where Howard and the guys were doing impressions of the kind of replacements they could have for Scott the Engineer. Jon said this clip was from February 7, 1999 but that was a Sunday. I don't know the correct date.
In the clip Howard and the guys were doing their Scott the Engineer impressions and goofing on his ''Chhhh'' sound that he makes when he talks. Howard said that K-Rock was looking for people to audition for DJ jobs there at the station and Howard wanted Scott to send in a tape. Howard also said that Elephant Boy should send in a clip as well.
Howard gave Scott some advice on what he could do for his audition tape and goofed on him for a few minutes. He told Scott he could do some cigarette stuff and have people tapping their packs together and stuff like that. He pretended to be Scott taking a phone call and taking requests. He said it would be the world's most dull show.
Everyone got in on the goofing. They were giving names of bands like Scott's Addiction, Alice in Chain-smoking and things like that. They were also making fun of that noise Scott makes when he talks. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
Jan Michael Vincent Interview From January 12, 1995. 11/19/07. 7:30am
After a commercial break we heard the next intro which was for a Jan Michael Vincent interview from January 12, 1995. This segment was not in my archives.
Howard said that Jan Michael Vincent was coming in and he was wearing an eye patch because he'd been in a car accident of something. Jan came in a short time later so Howard told him he was digging the eye patch thing. Howard told him he looks like he's about 75 years old. Jan thought that was funny and got a laugh out of that. He said he's actually only 50.
Howard talked to Jan about his car accident and got the details about that. Jan said that he had gone to a motorcycle ride called the Love Ride but took his truck with him. He didn't get too far into the story before he got sidetracked. He ended up telling Howard that he's a big fan of his and that's why he came in to do the show.
Jan eventually got back to his story about the car accident and told Howard what had happened. He said that his truck had been repossessed along with his Harley which was in the back of it. A friend of his came in to help out with the story and said that Jan had been having some trouble with his wife and started to get into some stuff that Jan didn't want him to so he asked to tell the story himself.
Jan said that he had a run in with his wife's car after his truck had been repossessed. Howard ended up having to hit the delay on Jan a couple of times because he was cursing so much. He ended up asking Jan if he had killed his wife's cat. His friend told Howard to ask him about a kitten but Jan denied ever killing a kitten. He said that he said that was all bullshit and he didn't want to get into all of that. Howard said he thought that's why he was on the show, to get that stuff out in the open.
Howard took a break during that interview and when he came back he continued from where he'd left off. He asked Jan how many girls he had been with in his life. Jan didn't have a number. He talked about the two wives he's had and the one kid. He said the new wife wants a kid but he didn't want to get into that stuff. Jan said he wanted to move on to the next question but Howard said he was running out of them and he wasn't sure what else to ask him about.
Jan gave Howard a phone number for his girlfriend so they could call her on the air. Howard said that he feels kind of bad for Jan as they were talking about all of his problems with his wives and stuff. Jan said that if he were Howard, he'd feel bad for him too. That got a few laughs out of the guys.
Howard got Jan back on the subject of his accident once again. Jan said that he loved his dog, his truck and his Harley in that order. He still hadn't gotten to the story about what happened, he got sidetracked over and over again.
Gary came in and said that he got a hold of Jan's wife who went off on him for calling her ''in the middle of the night'' and hung up on him. Jan said that there's nothing new there.
Howard said that there was a woman in the car with Jan when he got into this accident. Jan claims that she was just a maid who was riding with him. He's hoping that she doesn't come out of hiding. Howard told Jan that if he'd been in an accident like he was, he wouldn't be walking around. Jan's eye was swollen shut and he wasn't even sure about the condition it was in.
Jan's friend told Howard that Jan actually shot a scene for a new movie after his accident. They wrote the accident into the script and used it as part of the story line. Jan said that it was one of the best scenes he's ever done in a movie. Jan's friend, David Krief, said that Jan could have died flying on an airplane after he had his retina reattached yesterday. The doctors advised him not to fly but he went ahead and did it anyway.
Howard wrapped up with Jan and talked about all of the stuff that they'd gone over already. They never did get to the bottom of the accident story. Howard also said that they weren't clear on the dead cat story either. Jan claimed he never did stomp on a kitty. He said that he really missed his dog a lot though.
Howard asked Jan to take him on a motorcycle ride sometime. Howard said he'd sit on the back like a girl. Jan said he'd do that as long as he leaned the right way. Howard asked Jan about his accident one more time before he wrapped up. Jan said he was picking up some stuff for his housekeeper and when he was driving home he leaned over to get something and the next thing he remembered was being in a helicopter. They wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Yucko The Clown Still Looking For The Sniper. 10/16/02. 8:05am
Late in the show yesterday Yucko the Clown called in and said that he was heading to Maryland to call out this Tarot Card Sniper. This morning he called in and said he was in Maryland but he got chased out of one gas station he was at so he was on the move to find another one. He said he's got a big bullseye he's carrying around just waiting for this ''big, pussy, faggot'' sniper. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Yucko while Yucko was being hassled by some people that were bugging him on the streets there.
Howard took a break and Yucko called back in. He said he was getting freaked out by the whole situation down there for some reason. Howard told Yucko to call them back once he gets shot. For updates on Yucko's location check out the DamnShow.com web site.
James Taylor Comes In. 5/22/97. 7:35am
Singer James Taylor came in and sang a few songs for Howard today. He spent most of his segment singing 3 songs. Howard did interview him a little bit about his past heroin addiction and being married to Carley Simon. James performed the following songs: 'Woodstock', 'Fire and Rain' and 'Sweet Baby James'. He sounded great even though his music is not my kind of music. He's got a new album entitled 'Hour Glass'. Howard played a track off of the CD but it kind of sucked. Later in the show Howard found out that Gary's cousin, Jill Dell'Abate, did some of the back up singing on James' new album. She's actually got some talent and Howard said she's pretty good looking, especially compared to Gary...
Mammary Lane - Gilbert Gottfried Sits In For Robin's News. 02/16/09. 6:40am
Next up was Jon Hein reading an e-mail from a fan who was requesting a news segment from Robin's news one day. Jon and Gary talked about the segment for a short time before playing the clip from July 30, 1993.
This clip wasn't in my archives. In the clip Robin was reading a news story about something called whirlpooling where people swirl around a girl in a pool and try to get her bathing suit off. Gilbert Gottfried was sitting in and goofing around doing his ''black voice'' as if he were one of the kids doing the whirlpooling. Howard got in on that as well. The two of them kept up their impressions as Robin was trying to read her news.
Howard had Gilbert cracking up as he was doing his impression. Robin tried to keep the news moving along but Howard and Gilbert made it very hard on her. They were both cracking up and making fun of that story. They went to break after a couple of minutes of that.
Gary Garver's 7 Minutes With O.J. 8/11/98. 6:50am
Los Angeles interviewer Gary Garver managed to get about 7 minutes worth of an interview with OJ Simpson. OJ was out golfing as usual so Gary followed him around for a while. Here's how it went..
A Few Guess Who's The Jew Segments - 1988, 89, 2003. 04/17/08. 10:35am
After the break Jon and Gary introduced the next couple of ''Guess Who's the Jew'' segments with Fred ding his Kurt Waldheim Jr. impression. The ticker read that they were from 1988, 1989 and 2003.
In the clips we heard a couple of bits that they created with Fred as Kurt. They also played the ''Guess who's The Jew'' game with him in each segment. In those bits they give a few celebrity names and the callers who play the game have to guess which one is the Jew. Here's one of the segments from June 4, 2003:
Howard had this guy James on the phone from before the break who didn't really want to play this game but Howard convinced him to hang in there. In ''Guess Who's the Jew'' Fred becomes Kurt Waldheim Jr. and puts on a German accent. He gives out a list of names of people who might be Jewish and the contestant has to try and guess which one is the correct answer. Howard had ''Kurt Waldheim Jr.'' come in and he immediately started talking about their upcoming guest Ian Spiegleman. He was also calling their contestant some names as well. He asked him a couple of questions but James was staying quiet just waiting to play the game. Howard had Kurt give out the names for the game. Here they are:
Mammary Lane - Al Sharpton - March 29, 1996. 03/15/10. 8:55am
Next up after the break was Jon and Gary introducing a segment where Howard had Al Sharpton in the studio. Jon and Gary spent a minute talking about that segment which was from March 29, 1996. This was not in my archives so here's a quick synopsis:
Howard had Al Sharpton come in to visit. He and Al spent a short time talking about where they grew up since Howard had gone to school in Roosevelt and the school board was just thrown over recently. Howard said he was one of three white people in the community at the time. Howard said people were being stabbed in the parking lot and things like that back then.
Howard told Al that he was the kid getting beat up on Martin Luther King day. Howard said his mother would make him go to school even though he warned her that he'd get beat up. Howard said he would rush home to get away from school and end up ripping his pants on the fence trying to hop over it.
Howard said Al has been protesting a bunch of things lately and asked him about some of that stuff. Howard said he seems to be looking to make trouble. Al said he isn't looking for trouble, they're trying to stop that trouble.
Howard wanted Al to do some preaching for him so he did his own for a minute and had Fred playing some church organ music behind him as he did his own preaching. Al wasn't doing anything though so Howard just kept going.
Howard talked to Al about his family life and said he read some stuff about how wild his father was. Robin gave Howard some of the details of that. Howard said it sounds like he would hate his father after hearing that stuff. Al said he doesn't hate anyone. Al told Howard he didn't freak out when he was a kid. He said that he didn't freak out until he got older and heard people like Howard.
Howard asked Al what he thinks about the OJ case. Al said that he thinks they didn't prove anything in court. He said they didn't have any evidence. Howard said he doesn't believe that. Howard was giving him details about that case and saying that he believes that he is guilty. Howard asked Al who he admires more, OJ or Chris Darden. Al said neither of them are on his list.
Howard asked Al about his wife because he thinks she's a piece of ass. Howard asked Al what else he had to go out and do that day. Al said he had a bunch of shows to go on this morning.
Howard did some more preaching to Al. He did that for a minute and then got back to Al. Howard said he can't believe that he doesn't think that Chris Darden is a good man. Howard said the guy is honest to a fault. Howard said he's a man to be worshiped and idolized. Al said that may be. He said he didn't know much about him until this OJ case.
Howard asked Al about what's going on in his personal life. He asked about this new book he has out called ''Go and Tell Pharaoh.'' Howard said he's surprised that Al doesn't go to the afro with that hair of his. He keeps it brushed out straight. Howard said he saw it was going grey though.
Howard asked Al if he was so fat that he wasn't able to see his penis at some point. Al wasn't answering those questions. Al told Howard that he thinks this show is like therapy for him.
Howard said Al must love being in the spotlight. Al said he could be doing other things if that's all he wanted.
Howard talked to him about some of the other stuff in his book and mentioned that Al had said that his father had sex with his sister.
Howard wanted Al to preach but he wasn't going to do it. Howard said he wanted to hear what a good preacher would say. Howard said he and the guys would give him the back up ''Yes! Say it!'' stuff.
Howard took a call from Corky the Miss Howard Stern ex-husband. Corky said that he had been locked up by his wife and every other word in prison is the N-word. He said that it's turned confused black people into that word. Howard told the guy he's insane. Al said this show sure is the show for racial harmony.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked why it's okay for black people to have the soul train awards but not okay for white people to have their Academy Awards with just one black nominee. Al didn't really have an answer for that. Howard said he thinks that Al has some white features and he likes the way he looks. Al said Howard is not well.
Another caller said he saw a story about Al on the news and they found out that he had slept in a hotel after claiming he was sleeping out on the lawn for some protest. Al said he had a hotel room but he didn't stay in it. Al explained what was going on there that day. Howard said he doesn't think that sleeping outside is something black people like to do. He asked Al what the weather was like outside that night. Al said the wind chill was 4 below zero that night. The caller confirmed that it was very cold out that night.
Howard asked Al how long he's been married. Al said it was 15 years. Howard asked if he has sex every night. Al said he's not going to answer those questions.
Howard asked Al if he still talks to James Brown. Al said he does and he was the one who told him to come on the show this morning. He said that he will tell him what he thinks about that later on today.
Howard asked Al if any women tried to get in his sleeping bag that night. Al said they did not. Howard asked if he has groupies. Al said that there are some.
Howard finally got Al to do some preaching but he took over as Fred played the church music behind him. Howard talked about the picture of Al on the cover of his book. He said it looks like he had make up and hair done for the cover. Al claims that's not the case. He said they just did that photo shoot in his office. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later.
Seth The Urine Drinker. 02/08/1995. 7:35am
This segment was not in my archives. Here's what happened.
Howard had this guy Seth in to talk about how he drinks urine to keep himself healthy. Howard told the guy he was insane but Seth told him that he's been drinking his own urine, and cow urine, for many years and he's rarely sick. Robin said that she doesn't drink her urine and she hadn't been sick once in the past year.
Howard and Seth spent a few minutes going back and forth about the urine drinking and if it could actually be good for a person. Howard told the guy he might be certifiable but Seth said he's completely sane. Howard chuckled after hearing that.
Seth said that he not only drinks his urine but also rubs it on his ears, up his nostrils and on other body parts. He said that his wife puts up with it even when he smells like a bus station bathroom.
Howard said that this guy Seth was actually going to go to the bathroom, pee in a cup and then come back in and drink it. He asked Gary to keep an eye on the guy to make sure he actually does it. They went off and did that during a commercial break.
After the edited out commercial break Howard had Seth come back in with his cup of urine. Seth eventually started taking sips of the pee and gargling it. Jackie was gagging the whole time and sounding like he was going to vomit. Robin kept asking someone to get him something to throw up into before he had an accident.
Seth drank some of his urine but Robin kept telling the guys that the level wasn't going down. Gary thought she was out of her mind because it looked like it was going down to him. Seth kept gargling it and drinking tiny portions of it. Robin was eventually convinced by the time the guy left.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:50am.
Dr. Remulak Clips From November 14, 1997. 08/27/07. 10:10am
In the next segment we heard Jon and Gary introducing some Dr. Remulak clips. Gary explained who this guy was and how he would just repeat ''I am Dr. Remulak'' over and over again and not say anything else. Here's what I wrote that day, November 14, 1997:
Howard Speaks To Dr. Remulak. 11/14/97. 7:35am
You may be wondering who the hell Dr. Remulak is. Well he's a guy who calls the radio station and just keeps repeating ''I am Dr. Remulac'' over and over again. The guy has been doing this for about 5 years. He's never tried to get on the air and the only reason he came on the air today was because Stuttering John convinced him to. Dr. Remulak usually gets Stuttering John on the phone when he calls in but sometimes he'll get one of the interns or Steve Grillo. He won't say anything except ''I am Dr. Remulac'' to them.
The guy has been talking to Stuttering John a little bit so he found out that the guy has OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He has to do things a certain number of times before he can continue the rest of his day. He spent about 5 minutes on the phone with Howard but wouldn't speak directly to him. Stuttering John had to relay the questions from Howard. He slipped a couple of times and answered a couple of questions from Robin and Howard. Robin asked him what would happen if he didn't call the show and do this. He responded ''..big zits...'' and went on to his ''I am Dr. Remulac'' rant.
He's not annoying, he just repeats himself constantly. Dr. Remulak said his thing a bunch of times real quick before hanging up so he could move on with his day. It was pretty damn funny.
''It's Just Wrong'' Father/Daughter Edition. 10/18/02. 8:00am
''It's Just Wrong''... They've played the game before but never with father/daughter teams. In the game the Father has to answer questions. If he gets one wrong he has to remove an article of his daughter's clothing. The daughter's get 3 articles of clothing to remove. Once a daughter is completely naked, they're out of the game. The winning team in the game gets a grand prize of $10,000 courtesy of RisqueVideo.com.
Howard introduced the couples when he started the segment. First up were Tony and Billy Sue. Billy Sue is only 19 years old. She told Howard her father approached her about playing the game. Tony told Howard he sees his daughter naked all the time because they go to the beach and skinny dip with a bunch of other people. Tony said he knows that it's just wrong to do what he's going to be doing. Tony said that Billy Sue didn't have a problem playing the game at all. Billy Sue said that her mother was out in the green room and she doesn't have a problem with it either.
Howard then introduced couple number two, Dwayne and Andrea. Andrea is 22 years old. She told Howard she doesn't have a boyfriend right now. Andrea said she heard the show and her father also heard it. She was kind of disgusted by the idea when she heard it on the radio but when her father told her the prize was $10,000 she said ''let's do it!'' Dwayne said he's seen his daughter nude recently and she keeps her private parts pretty well trimmed. Andrea said she told her mother about this and she's not too thrilled. Her parents are divorced so she was the one to tell her mother about it.
Finally they had Donald and Valerie. Valerie told Howard that she's just doing this for the money. Her father said this doesn't bother him a bit because he saw her naked as a baby. Valerie said her father has some vision problems but he denied that. He said he wasn't sure why she was saying that. Valerie, who's only 23, has 3 kids so she can use the money. Gary told Howard about that and wondered if they're all from the same father. She said her first two are with one guy and the latest one is with her fiance. She said she asked her mother to watch her kids so she knows what she's up to today.
Howard got right into the game and asked the questions. Here's how it went:
A listener called in and asked if Howard was going to do anything else with the father/daughter teams. Howard and Gary said they weren't sure they wanted to see that. When Gary asked the losing fathers if they'd be willing to spank their daughters for $3,000 they said yes.
Today's ''It's Just Wrong'' is scheduled to air on E! next Thursday and Friday, October 24-25.
Gary made one last offer of $1000 for two of the daughters to kiss each other. Two of them went for it and Dwayne said it looked good. Billy Sue and Valerie were the two that kissed. Howard wrapped up ''It's Just Wrong'' after the girls did their thing.
Mammary Lane - Sebastian Bach - September 12, 1992. 03/17/10. 7:00am
Next up after a break we heard Jon and Gary introducing a segment that was requested by a fan who had never heard it before. It was a segment where Sebastian Bach came in and tied his penis in a knot. This was from September 12, 1992. It wasn't in my archives so here's a quick synopsis:
In the clip Gary was bringing in a mystery guest. Howard said the mystery guest was late and he was kind of bummed about that. Gary said the guest was too.
Howard and the guys all put on their blindfolds so they could play their Mystery Guest game. The guest came in and let out a cough. Howard figured out it was a guy. He said he thinks he ate salami for breakfast too. Fred smelled cologne. The mystery guest did an impression of Ethel Merman singing a Willie Nelson song.
Robin and Howard asked questions and when they got a yes answer they got to ask another question. Robin was guessing right so she kept asking her questions. Howard got to ask some questions too but he wasn't quite sure who it was either. Howard said he thinks he knows who it is. He tried to come up with the name of the band but he wasn't able to come up with it. Robin eventually guessed it was Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.
Howard said that's a pretty good guest. He said he's glad it wasn't a good looking woman. Howard said it was good to finally see him. Howard said that he had some new tattoos on him so he pointed those out.
Howard asked Sebastian how old he was when he first got laid. Sebastian said he was 13. Howard said he's got a nice look to him and he's no homosexual. Howard said he could be cuter than Carol Alt. Howard said he has a whole look going for him and he'd love to look like that.
Sebastian said Howard had a song by them ready to be played but he wasn't able to play it because the station has a formula. Howard said that's not true, he can play whatever he damn well pleases. Howard said he's like a rebel.
Howard asked Robin if she was into Sebastian and if she would spread her legs for him. Robin said that she thinks he's awesome but she's not sure about spreading her legs for him. Robin said she can't say she would do that. Howard said he thinks that her fingers were buried down below while she talked about that.
Howard asked Sebastian about getting married. Sebastian said this is a woman who Robin met and called a bimbo. Robin said she didn't do that.
Howard told Sebastian he should have brought his wife. He said she's home taping the show for him. Howard asked if he brings her out on the road with him. He said she comes out sometimes but not all the time. He said he can go months without seeing her.
Howard asked Sebastian about the time he called into the show with Axl Rose. Sebastian talked about that and said his wife was with him that night. Howard asked what he and Axl talk about. He said they talk about rock. Howard asked if they were wasted that day. Sebastian said they were pretty out of it.
Howard wanted to know what it was like to be a rock star. He asked Sebastian about what that's like. Sebastian said that they do have some fun. He said he has tried to get Axl and his girl to swap but that didn't work. He said Axl broke up with that girl so it didn't work out. He said Axl is now with Stephanie Seymour so he's trying to get that to happen. He thinks he's close to making it happen.
Sebastian told Howard about how he likes to run around his house and property naked. He said he had a deck built that lets them bone without anyone seeing them.
Howard asked Sebastian about the people he gets to hang out with. Sebastian told him about some of the people and how cool their houses are. They talked about Tommy Lee and Heather Locklear's place and how insane that is. Sebastian said they have a fireplace in every room of the house. They even have a fireplace in the hot tub.
Sebastian said he would like to get his wife with Heather. He said he's not sure how he'd feel about having Tommy with his wife though.
Sebastian asked Howard if he would ever run for office. Howard said he'd like to run for something some day. Howard asked Sebastian about being the lead singer for a band and if he ever has any voice problems. Sebastian said he's lucky and he doesn't have many problems.
Howard asked Sebastian about some of the tattoos he had on his arm. One of them said ''Youth Gone Wild'' and Howard didn't know that was one of their songs. Howard said you almost have to have tattoos when you're in a rock band.
Howard said that Sebastian was watching the MTV awards from home recently and he has to watch to keep up on what everyone else is up to. Howard said he thinks that he was the big attraction and everyone wanted to fight with him. Howard said Ice T wanted to fight with him. Howard said he doesn't dig the guy because of his cop killer thing. He said he said that on the air and Ice T got mad.
Howard asked Sebastian about the MTV awards and if he thought they were dull. Sebastian said he thinks they were pretty cool. He said he likes Nirvana's music but the preach about morals and the guy had a daughter who was born with a heroin addiction. He said that's just not right.
Howard asked Sebastian what his life is like. He wanted to know what he does when he's home. Howard said he must have made enough money to live comfortably. Sebastian said he is comfortable. He said they're going out on tour to Manilla and Japan soon. Sebastian said that he heard you can get a pretty good rim job down there in Manilla. Howard told him he can't say that on air. Sebastian said that wasn't a bad word. Howard said it is.
Howard asked Sebastian if he has a couple million in savings. Sebastian said he has some cake. Howard asked if he has F-you money. Sebastian said he does. He said that he could tell the record company to f-off if they wanted him to cut his hair or something.
Howard asked Sebastian about his girl and his kid. He wasn't sure about the age of the kid though. Howard and Robin goofed on him about that. Howard asked if Sebastian was his real name. He said it actually is. He said his parents were hippies and he was named after John Sebastian. Their dog was named Lennon and his sister's name is Dillon.
Howard asked Sebastian if he should call his wife. Sebastian gave him her number so he could do that. Howard had him dial the number himself. Howard helped him get that done. She picked up and Howard had to ask her to lower the radio. Howard said she sounded cute on the phone. She said she is. Howard asked her what she was wearing. She said she was in her bed naked. She wanted Sebastian to come back home and get into bed. Howard asked if she worships him and kisses every part of his body. She said she does.
Howard asked the wife if she was going to sleep with Stephanie Seymour first. She said Sebastian is going to rot in hell for bringing that up. Howard asked her if she likes to wear bras. She said she does and she has C-cups. Howard asked if they're implants. She gave Howard her measurements and Sebastian let out a yell saying you know that's right. Howard asked if she does everything to Sebastian and if she is a 3 input woman. She said she's an all input woman. Howard said ''Wow!'' to that.
Howard said it sounds like she's a horny little minx. Sebastian had her say that she's a horny little bitch. She didn't want to say that on air but did it anyway.
Howard asked about what kind of bathing suit she wears and things like that. She said she goes around in a thong.
Robin said she met Sebastian's sister and she looks a lot like him. Howard said he'd like to meet her. Howard said he'd like to see his sister with his wife. Sebastian said he has to stop with that. Sebastian got on Howard's megaphone and told him to shut the crap up.
Howard asked the wife how she met Sebastian. She said she met him in a bar and he wasn't a big star at the time. Robin said that she must have known he was going to be a star with that face he had. Howard asked Mrs. Bach if she had seen him. She said she has and said that he's very cute.
Howard asked Mrs. Bach if she really was naked in bed. She said she was. Howard asked if she was totally shaved down there. She wondered if anyone was listening. Sebastian said no one is listening to radio. Howard asked more about how they met. Mrs. Bach said that she was looking for him that night and she was hoping he'd be at the bar. She said she saw this girl in the bar and she thought that she had a birth mark on her back. Then the ''girl'' turned around and it turned out to be Sebastian. She said that he tried to get her into the bathroom to do her in there. Sebastian said he peed right in front of her that night. Howard said that's someone who is confident in his penis size.
Howard asked when they had sex for the first time. Sebastian said he didn't want to talk about that because it was the first time he prematurely ejaculated. Howard said he can't talk about that. He just wants to know when they were in the sack together for the first time. Mrs. Bach said it was about a month and a half before they did it.
Sebastian told Howard how that first time went. He said she told him to get into bed with her and he hopped in and he was hard as a rock. Then he got into bed and it just let go. He said that she wanted him so bad that she did that to him. He said he was embarrassed by the whole thing. He said he had ''spilled his Spam'' but Howard cut him off again and said he can't say that.
Howard asked Mrs. Bach if she wears outfits for him. She said she does that. Howard spent another minute on that and then let Mrs. Bach go.
Howard thanked Sebastian for coming in. Sebastian said he'd love to come on the show if they moved the air time. Howard told him to bring his wife in next time he comes in. He said he wants to see her in person. Howard told him to give him a call when they're in the area playing again. He said they were just there a few months ago performing. He said they'll put Howard on the stage.
Sebastian asked if he wanted to play a song together. Howard said he would do that. He had Fred give him a guitar. Howard got the guitar but it was out of tune. Howard played some ''Wild Thing'' and Sebastian sang. Howard's guitar playing was pretty bad. They continued on anyway. Howard said Gary was jealous watching that going on.
Howard said Fred can play better than him. Howard said he has to tune it up though. Howard said he could play much better than that but it was out of tune.
Howard said Sebastian is out of control and very hyper. He said he can't imagine spending a day with him. Fred was ready to play the guitar so Howard asked him to play something. Fred played some ''Heartbreak Hotel'' and Sebastian sang to that. Then he asked to sing some Beatles. Fred went into whatever song Sebastian threw out there for him. Howard said Fred is pretty amazing. Sebastian threw out Purple Haze and Fred played along with him. They also tried the Rolling Stones ''Angie.''
Howard wrapped up with Sebastian. He was saying goodbye to him and he was walking out with his buddy that he brought in with him. Howard said he wished he was as thin as Sebastian was. He asked if he works out. Sebastian said he just has a high metabolic rate. Howard noticed how big his penis was. Sebastian ended up pulling it out and showing it to them. Howard said if he had a penis like that he'd do the same thing he just did. Howard explained how he pulled down his pants and just flopped it out for them. Sebastian said he didn't do that and he didn't want his wife hearing that. Howard said he has some inches down there. He said Robin was downright giddy over there. He said she got whiplash when she saw that.
Gary said that was the funniest thing that anyone has ever done in the studio before. Howard let Sebastian go after that. Howard and the guys were talking about him when he came back in and said that he could tie it in a knot. Sebastian then demonstrated how he could do that. Jackie was laughing his ass off at that. Howard said he wasn't going to shake his hand after that. Howard said he just tied everything in a knot. He said he's never seen anything like that before.
Jackie said he thinks you can hear the flapping on the air when he whipped it out. He said they have to have Scott pull that clip to see if they can hear it.
Howard said he was supposed to have that kind of body. He said he thinks that Sebastian stole his body. Howard said that's what he'd call ''an appearance.'' He asked Robin if she wanted to wrap with anything. Robin said she couldn't follow that. Howard said that guy is a nut. Robin said he was a lot of fun though. Howard said if he had a weenie like that he'd be showing it everywhere.
Johnny Rebel Calls In. 11/19/01. 8:35am
Howard has played songs on his show by this guy Johnny Rebel. The songs are very racist. Howard gave us a retrospective of Johnny's career and said that they were finally able to track him down. Johnny claims that he's not a racist but you wouldn't know it after hearing his songs. Johnny called in this morning to tell Howard why he's not a racist. He told Howard he has nothing against black people... but 2 seconds later he said he has a problem with their attitude because they think the white man still owes them something for the way they were treated when they were slaves. Johnny said he doesn't like that and he'd never let his daughter marry a black man. He said he doesn't believe in mixing the races... but he has many black friends who he'd do anything for.
Johnny told Howard that he wrote 10 ''Ni****'' songs back in the '60's and recorded a total of 12. He said it was a different time back then and he wouldn't think of writing anything like them these days. He's written ''F-You Osama bin Laden'' instead. Howard played a quick clip of that song for us and said you can get a copy of that at OfficialJohnnyRebel.com or IHateOsama.com.
Howard spent a few more minutes trying to find out where Johnny was coming from with all of those racist songs. Johnny said none of the songs about his wife running off with a ''in****'' were true stories. They were just songs that he wrote. The words just came to him he says.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Johnny before wrapping up with him. He also spoke to him about what he does for a living down in Louisiana. Apparently he raises worms to make a living. Howard didn't seem to believe that Johnny isn't a racist. Howard and Artie were making a bunch of ''in****'' jokes too so Johnny wasn't so sure that Howard wasn't a racist.
Howard Calls Japan On Pearl Harbor Day. 12/07/1987. 9:50am
Up next was another segment from 1987. This one wasn't in my archives so here's a write up from today:
Howard and Robin were talking about Pearl Harbor day and how they were going to call someone in Japan to ask what happened back then. Robin told Howard that it's much later over there. Howard figured that it was about ''Two o'crock'' over there.
Howard and Robin came up with some questions to ask when they make the call over there. After coming up with a few things Howard made the call. He got through to a woman at the Tokyo Hilton. He told the woman there that they were on the radio and the woman seemed to be in a good mood.
Howard asked what time it was there and then what year it was. He also asked how they read those little pictures they write in. He said that he can barely read English himself.
The operator handed the phone off to another operator who said that she lived in New York for 6 months. She said she has some friends there too. Howard told her that he had some questions for her but she didn't understand English very well. Howard asked her something about the oil crisis and if they had something to do with that because they came up with the small cars. She agreed that it could have been the case but she may not have understood what he was asking.
Howard told the woman that today is the day that they bombed us back when they started World War II. She didn't know what he was referring to at first. Howard explained it to her and then she went on to say that she wasn't born at that time and didn't know anything about it.
Howard told the woman on the phone that she is responsible for the sins of her fathers and went off on her about that and some other stuff. She remained silent through that rant. Howard asked if the people over there think that Yoko Ono is a joke over there too or just there in the United States.
The woman asked Howard why he called there. Howard said he called to say that it was Pearl Harbor Day today. She asked if that was Hawaii he was talking about. Howard said that is the place and that's why he's calling. He said that he doesn't want history to repeat itself. He asked her if it will repeat itself and if Japan will turn it's guns at them again. She didn't understand and Howard confused her more when he told her to phrase her answer in the form of a question. Fred played some Jeopardy music as they were waiting.
Howard told the woman that he called so they can remember this day. He asked her another question but then she started to say something in Japanese and Robin said that she was speaking in pictures now.
Howard asked the woman why they eat raw fish. She said that they do that because it's very fresh. Howard said that he thought it would be a good day to call Japan and let them know that this should never happen again. The woman asked Howard if he was kidding her and if not, he should send them a Christmas present.
Howard asked the woman if she likes dating American men. She said that she liked them when she was living in New York. She still didn't believe that she was on the air but Howard assured her that she was. He let her go a short time later. She said ''Good bye new York!'' as she was getting off the phone.
Yaqi The Tickler Comes In. 1/25/02. 7:20am
Howard recently watched a tickling video that this guy Yaqi put out. Howard thought he was kind of disturbing so he invited him to appear on the show. Yaqi came in and Howard spent some time trying to find out how and why Yaqi got into this tickling thing. Howard figured he does it to get laid but Yaqi said he didn't start because of that. He says he enjoys the tickling and it doesn't always lead to sex. He also said that he's tickled men as well as women. He said that doesn't mean he's gay though. Howard played a couple of clips from the ''Yaqi's World'' video and Artie Lange did his impression of him too. Yaqi has an effeminate voice and Howard seemed to think that he might not be straight. He claims he is though.
A couple of women came down today to get plugs for their web site CatFightBabes.com so Howard hooked them up with Yaqi. Howard was going to ask them some questions and each time they got the wrong answer Yaqi would tickle them. If they got the answer correct they'd get a plug for their web site. First up was Heather. Yaqi shackled her to a bed they had set up in the studio and prepared to tickle her. Yaqi wanted to supervise the shackling himself because he wanted to make sure it was done correctly. She did escape one time though. Howard asked her a bunch of questions and she was able to answer most of them. Howard then threw in a couple of tough questions that she couldn't answer so Yaqi could tickle her. Heather told Howard that she thinks of tickling as torture most of the time but if she's attracted to the guy she would get turned on. Yaqi did some great tickling because Heather was squealing and screaming each time he touched her. Artie Lange kept making jokes about how he's probably killed some of his tickling victims. Yaqi uses socks on the women's wrists when he shackles them and Artie said in 5 years or so someone will probably find skeletons with socks on their arms in Yaqi's basement or something.
Heather told Howard that she wanted him to tickle her because she's attracted to him. She found Yaqi's tickling to just be torture. Howard went over and got a quick pointer from Yaqi who told him to tickle her upper thigh. Howard tried it and actually got a reaction from her. Once again she squealed and screamed as Howard tickled her. Then Yaqi joined in and the two of them double teamed her for a few seconds. Before the girls came in they were told to drink a lot of fluids so they might wet the bed as they got tickled. Heather said she drank a lot but she didn't end up wetting the bed.
Howard had to take a break before getting to the second woman, Star. When he came back they shackled Star to the bed and Howard asked her some questions. Star wasn't ticklish. Yaqi tried but couldn't get her to laugh. On Heather he'd used some lotion on her feet and tickled her which made her really squeal. Star just laid there and didn't make a sound. Stuttering John came in and gave it a try too. He got her to giggle for a second but ended up calling her a ''cold fish.'' Howard gave up on her after a couple of minutes. He also told Yaqi that they kind of find him to be like a serial killer-type which he didn't seem to appreciate. While he was trying to tickle Star Howard kept making references to killing her because she wasn't doing what he wanted her to do. Yaqi said he's never killed anyone... You can find out more about Yaqi and order his tickling video tape at YaqisWorld.com. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Yaqi before wrapping up the interview. Yaqi claims that woman actually pay him to tickle them. He said he charges $5 per pound to do the tickling. A phone caller told Howard that ticking guys is gay and Yaqi has done that. Yaqi doesn't seem to think it is gay though. He told Howard that he's never had gay sex and he's never murdered anyone as Howard wrapped up the interview.
Various Stuff. 3/5/01. 6:05am
Howard was trying to talk about the snow storm that's hitting New York today but his microphone kept cutting out. He was talking about how much hype there has been about the storm and how little it's actually dumped on the city. Howard said the news reports kept saying that there would be a foot or two of snow by today but there's only a little bit down. Howard said Ronnie the limo driver left the limo at home and drove his big SUV in to pick him up. Howard wanted him to go home and get the limo because there wasn't that much snow on the ground. Ronnie told Howard he was just prepared for the worst. People are panicking about the storm and a lot of stuff has been closed already and there's hardly any snow.
The conversation changed when Howard started talking about Ronnie wanting to be a race car driver. Howard mentioned that Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s wife is suing to keep her husband's autopsy photos private. Ronnie mentioned that they've been released by someone and she's upset. Howard is worried that when he dies he'll show up on the web also.
Howard continued to badger Ronnie about not driving the limo this morning. Ronnie tried to convince Howard that he was just trying to be prepared for more snow later in the day. Howard said he wanted the limo today because he'll probably be going out to Long Island after the show. Ronnie couldn't win any argument though. Whatever he said was wrong. He eventually apologized for making the wrong choice. He even said he wasn't going to charge Howard for the limo since he had the truck.
Gary made the mistake of telling Howard that he went shopping over the weekend to prepare for the storm. He said everyone was buying up everything and he ended up spending $102 on his groceries. Both Howard and Robin told him that there's no reason to stock up on stuff because the snow will be gone in a day or so. People are acting like it's the end of the world or something. Gary said he bought extra milk because the store might be out for a day or two. Howard and Robin goofed on him for a couple of minutes until Howard finally had to take a break.
Crazy Cabbie called in this morning to tell Howard that people don't know what winter is out here in New York. He's from Minnesota where they get real snow. Howard wondered when Cabbie's ''assgina'' episode will air on E!. Robin Radzinski came in and said that they won't approve it to air on E! so it ain't gonna happen. Howard said he should release it as a tape or something instead. Howard also brought up Cabbie's new tattoo which is a Chinese character that stands for strength emblazoned with fire. He said it actually looks pretty cool but he's got so many other tattoos that you'd hardly notice it.
Howard said he was reading the NY Times over the weekend. He said that there was an article about Andy Dick and Dick now just bad mouths Howard everywhere. After his last appearance he's been out bad mouthing Howard to everyone. Howard read bits and pieces of the article and talked about how Dick blames everyone else for his problems. Howard said he saw Andy's new show on MTV and it was funny but every skit was gay. He has guys doing stuff to him in most of the show.
Sal The Stockbroker Strikes Again. 2/2/98. 8:45am
This Friday there will be a porn star in to give one lucky listener a nude rub down. The listener with the best hard-luck story will win the rub down. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that when he was circumcised as a child the doctor messed up and sliced open his penis. Whatever the guy was talking about was a little too dirty for airing because the delay was hit a few times. Anyway, the guy strung Howard along for 5 minutes or so and then the ''Gary is a horse toothed jackass'' line came from the caller. It was Sal the Stockbroker goofing on the show once again. Last week Howard played the phony phone call they made to Sal so Sal figured he had to get revenge. Howard played the tape from last week again after hanging up on Sal. Later in the show another guy called in with, what sounded like a legitimate phone call. That guy also called Gary a ''Horse toothed jackass'' and hung up the phone. Howard was a little pissed so he said that he was going to tell Sal's boss about him not working. Stuttering John came in and said that he did tell on Sal one time and Sal called John crying about it. John said he could do it again if Sal calls in too much. Howard said he'd let him off this time but he'd better calm down with it.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:55am.
Howard Stern's Mammary Lane - German Broadcasters Visit. 11/19/07. 6:00am
Howard and the crew are off for the Thanksgiving holiday this week. Today's Howard Stern Mammary Lane show included the following clips from old shows. Jon Hein and Gary were hosting today's Mammary Lane. The first clip was from a show where Howard had some German radio broadcasters on the show. Jon and Gary talked up that segment and got right into it. They didn't give a date for this segment's original air date and I wasn't able to find anything in my archives.
In the segment Howard spoke to a couple of German broadcasters who were visiting the United States. Howard talked to them about how scary their country is and how he's afraid to even look at pictures of their country. He also talked to them about being half Jewish himself and if they would have wanted him killed in World War II.
Howard told the guys that they had no chance after they brought out the atom bomb. He said that they never even felt the effects of that, they took it all out on the ''nips.''
Howard said he was going to play some of his guests radio show and ended up playing some Hitler audio clips instead. He suggested to them that they change their names to ''Hitler'' so they could get some notice over there in Germany. He tried giving them some other names that were similar to Cousin Brucie and things like that.
Howard gave the guys a message to bring back to their country so they could let them know that they should still be afraid of this country. Then he took some questions about the radio stations that he's on. Howard said that he's on 21 stations and one of the guys said that he's on 44. Howard said that might be the case but Germany is the size of Philadelphia so he shouldn't be bragging.
Howard said that if they did go to war with Germany again, they'd probably end up having a lot of angry black guys showing up over there. He asked them about the type of music they play over there and things like that. Howard said they looked like they wanted to march him into an oven toward the end of the interview. He wrapped up with them a short time later and let them go.
Howard said if they put Gary into the ovens over there, all that would be left is two giant teeth. He had some fun talking about that after the German guys had left. They all had some fun with that for a couple of minutes before Howard had to move on.
Mammary Lane - Getting Rid Of Crabs - February 5, 1996. 03/16/10. 6:00am
Howard and the guys are on vacation this week so they're playing a new Mammary Lane special all week long. Jon Hein and Gary Dell'Abate are hosting. This morning's show started off with Jon and Gary introducing a segment where Howard talked about how to get rid of grabs with a caller and Jackie the Joke Man. This segment was from February 5, 1996. It wasn't in my archives so here's a quick synopsis:
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who asked how to get rid of genital crabs. Howard and Robin said that you use something called Quell. Jackie said you're supposed to shave half of your bush and then set fire to the other half and when they come running out you stab them with an ice pick.
Howard asked Jackie what he's really supposed to do. Jackie said that you use that pyrinate lotion stuff. The caller said he got them from some chick he got oral from. He claims he got crabs from that. Jackie said that they could have been in her eyebrows. Jackie said guys he knew used to tell him about that kind of stuff.
Howard asked the guy where he picked up the hooker. The caller told him where she he found her and how she wasn't the most attractive woman. Howard said many of them are men. The guy said he tried to put his hand down there with one woman and she told him no. He said that may have been a woman. Howard asked the guy about how he goes about asking for what she's going to do. The caller said he just asks how much and the girl never tells you because they want more from you. He said you say 20 bucks and they agree and then you go drive somewhere to do it.
The caller said he was hoping he didn't have to shave so his wife doesn't know what's going on. Howard said he heard that Ralph went to one and she told him he was taking too long. The caller said that you just have to offer them more money then.
Howard asked the guy if he wears a rubber. He said he doesn't. Howard asked if that freaks you out knowing that other guys had been in her mouth. The guy said you only think about it before and after, not during.
Howard asked the guy if he kissed this chick. He said he didn't kiss this one. That led to them asking him how often he goes to hookers. He said he does it every couple of weeks. He said he doesn't have much with his wife but she's been asking for it more lately.
Howard said he would keep the crabs and ask the wife if she's been cheating on him. Howard said maybe that would get her to have sex with him.
Gary came in and told Howard their guest was there. Howard said he was busy learning about crabs and whores. The caller said he's just a miserable attorney. Howard said an attorney should be getting laid. The guy said he has thought about it so hard but he has kids so he can't just leave. He said he'll wait until they're grown up and then he'll leave.
Howard talked to the guy about being an attorney and if he ever asks his wife for sex. He said he doesn't even want it from her these days. He said she's gotten fatter and it's not like he wants her. He said that it makes it harder listening to Howard's show with all of the girls. Howard said that he's never going to have what he has on radio so he should settle.
Howard said if the wife gave a damn she'd get into shape so he'd want her. Robin said she may have lost interest in him too.
Howard said if he shot his wife when they got married he'd be out of jail by now. Robin said that this guy's life must just suck and that's why he doesn't care.
Howard asked how long it takes to finish with a whore. The guy said it's just a couple of minutes. He told Howard about how he can give them more money to keep them in the car. He said he thinks he gave this chick like 30 bucks to keep her there. Howard asked if he's afraid of herpes and stuff. The caller said he is now but not at the time.
The caller asked Howard if he had tried that machine he got for his birthday. Howard said he hadn't tried it yet. The machine is called the Personal Comfort Machine. Howard said Gump tried it and it was great. Howard said he could start charging for it and have guys come in and try it. The caller said he would pay 40 bucks to try it. Howard said they'll have to buy the canister but that's going to be part of the cost. He told anyone who wants to come in and try it to give Gary a call in the office and set up an appointment.
Howard said they'll let people have 5 minutes with the machine. He said he should go back and try that thing but he's afraid someone is going to catch him. He said they're near FAO Schwartz and he sees people looking in his window sometimes. He said he doesn't trust his door lock either. Howard told the caller he had to get going after that. He said at least the guy was honest.
Beetlejuice For Senator. 8/4/00. 8:30am
Beetlejuice the small headed dwarf came in this morning to talk about his run for New York Senator. Howard said that they actually shot a TV commercial for him and that they're trying to buy some time on some TV shows to actually run the thing. Howard played the audio for us this morning. It's basically Beetlejuice giving his views on things such as abortion, taxes, drugs and education. Of course he barely makes any sense when he's talking about that stuff. They also have Crackhead Bob, Joe Cancer and Gary the Retard backing him in his run. Then they have Hank the dwarf and John the Stutterer bad mouthing him in the commercial. At the end of the commercial Beetlejuice says that if he becomes Senator his next run will be for President ''you mother f-ers''.
He was asked how many senators there are in the U.S. Beetlejuice said ''200''.. Howard said that was pretty close. Beetlejuice said that he has lived in New York for 2 years so he's eligible to run. KC said that he actually lives in New Jersey. Howard asked him a bunch of questions and he started answering them ''Me!?'' like he did the last time he was on. Howard wanted to quiz him on some political stuff so he and Robin asked him questions on gasoline prices. He said that he'd just have the prices set at $3.50.. Then $2.50 to fill a tank. He said that he has gun control under control and told Howard he was in the Army. He said he was in the war back in 1972.. in Vietnam for 2 years. He said he shot 200 people in that war.. all Chinese people. Howard asked him about Social Security and Beetlejuice said something about ''You need sponsors..'' which had nothing to do with the question. Beetlejuice went on to talk about how he spent 2 years in Desert Storm up in the mountains. He also told Howard that he auditioned for the HBO show ''The Sopranos''. He said that he's been Italian for 2 years now. He also said that he's been a cop for 2 years. He works in the ''over cover unit''. Howard heard that Beetlejuice buys reading glasses to read his newspapers.. but he can't read. Beetlejuice said he can read but when Howard asked him to read something he just made up stuff. Howard asked him to spell cat. He said ''A T E R''. ''Spell dog'' Howard said. ''L E E R'' is how he spelled it. He continued on to say that he reads books for 24 hours or so. (If this doesn't make sense then you're understanding what it was like to hear the show). Beetlejuice also loves Slim Jim treats. He once walked out of a store with 50 of them. He told Howard it was only 20 though. He also likes mustard sandwiches but calls them ketchup sandwiches. Howard read that Beetlejuice sometimes buys $50 worth of Chinese food take out and only eats about $3 worth. Howard asked him if he handles his own money. He claims he does but Gary didn't believe it and quizzed him with some math questions. He said ''If you have a dollar bill, 2 quarters and a dime, how much do you have?'' Beetlejuice answered ''A dolla' twenty five.'' As Howard was wrapping things up he asked Beetlejuice about his schooling. He claims that he went to college for 2 years. He also has a couple of kids with his girlfriend. He told Howard he has 2 kids. Howard asked him if they're boys or girls. He said ''2 boys and 2 girls!''.. but he only has 2 kids?
Beetlejuice is appearing at the Horizon Night Club in Staten Island tonight. You can find out more at JollyDwarf.com
Brian May Interview. 05/06/1993. 9:20am
Up next was an interview with Brian May that Howard did back on May 6, 1993. This wasn't in my archives so here's what happened.
Howard brought in Brian May who used to be in the band Queen. Howard said that he saw him back stage at the MTV awards and he gave him a little bit of a rock star attitude.
Howard said that Brian seems to look a lot like him and he could almost be his brother. He said it must disturb him to know that he looks like him. Brian said that it is interesting because he never thought about it. He said he did have someone come up to him thinking he was Howard once though.
Brian said that he's had people tell him how awful Howard was but he realized that he wasn't so bad and that's why he came on the show. He said that he did see him back stage at the MTV awards and it was a strange way to meet him. Howard said that he was really scared that night when they had him up in the air waiting to fly down on stage.
Howard asked Brian about Freddy Mercury's death and what it was like when he first came out of the closet. Brian said that it was pretty tough when he came out because people had a hard time relating to him. Howard said he always thought that Brian was gay but he's not.
Howard said that Freddy never really said he was gay but he got a call from a hair dresser when he was working in Detroit and the hair dresser said he had an affair with Freddy and he was the best he'd ever had. Howard said it never bothered him that Freddy was gay.
Howard asked Brian if he thinks he and Freddy really needed the rest of the band. Brian said that's not true because the two biggest hits they had, ''Radio Ga Ga'' and ''Another One Bites The Dust,'' weren't written by he and Freddy.
Howard told Brian that he should brag a little more, no one in the band is going to hear this anyway. Brian said that they do this with Ringo too and he really thinks that Ringo was a big part of the band and people don't give him enough credit.
Brian told Howard that he's been separated from his wife for a while now. That led to Howard asking him about when he met her and found out that they knew each other before Brian got famous. Howard said that he must not have been able to resist temptation but Brian said that she just wasn't the right person and he found that out over the years. Brian said that he will probably marry again some day.
Howard found out that Brian and the band used to have to pay 98 percent income tax on some of the stuff they were making. That's why he had to make a home in L.A. so he didn't lose out on so much income. Howard said he doesn't like that England anyway.
Howard said that Brian is there to promote his solo album. He said he was going to play some of the album but he was also going to play along to some of his songs while he was there. Howard said that he actually plays with an English coin. Brian said that he uses a sixpence which is non longer legal tender over there.
Brian played a few of his famous Queen song riffs for Howard. He asked if he could go after playing a couple of them.
After an edited out break Howard came back with Brian and said that they were about 20 minutes away from speaking with Richard Pryor. He said they sent him some sample questions for him so he read one which was about getting up on stage and still doing his act with MS. Howard said that of course he can do that, he's promoting a show he's got coming up.
Howard said that Queen is done now but he just got something in the mail about a new Queen tape or something. Brian said that was a performance that George Michael did at a Freddy Mercury tribute about a year ago. He said he's not fronting the band or anything like that.
Howard asked Brian if he's all set for money. Brian said that he has nothing to worry about and he has someone who takes care of his money for him. Howard told him to be careful with that so he doesn't get screwed. Brain said that he has to trust someone and this guy he has is the one.
Howard asked Brian about how much of his money he had to give up to his ex-wife. He said that it was a lot of money but not necessarily 50 percent. He said it's hell going through that stuff though. Howard joked that Brian has to live in a trailer there in Suffolk County, New York.
Howard talked about how guys really shouldn't settle down and they don't want to get married. He said that his mother was the one who made him get married. Brian said that Howard was putting words into his mouth at that point.
Howard asked Brian what it was like back stage with Freddy when he was with guys. Brian said that there weren't that many guys that he'd see because he was a pretty monogamous guy. He said Freddy used to stay pretty private back then.
Howard asked Brian about his penis size. He told Brian that he's really only an inch and hung like a baby. Brian didn't say how big he was.
Howard asked Brian to play some stuff for them so Brian played a couple of riffs from some more Queen songs. Howard asked him if they ever got any royalties from that Vanilla Ice song that used the riff from ''Under Pressure.'' Brian said that they eventually did get royalties even though Vanilla Ice claimed that he wasn't using the exact tune.
Howard had Brian play some more riffs that he was throwing at him. He asked Fred to sing a song but Fred told him that he doesn't know the songs that well. Howard then played one of Brian's new songs, Resurrection, and talked over it while it was playing. Howard said he likes that he's still rocking in the song and didn't wimp out. Howard told Brian he sounds as good as Freddy in that song.
Howard gave Brian some plugs and said that he's going to be out on tour again soon. They spent a few more minutes talking before Howard wrapped up with Brian.
Mammary Lane - Tribute Bands - August 8, 1996. 03/17/10. 8:30am
Next up we heard Jon and Gary introducing another segment where Howard told a story about a Doors tribute band. This segment was from august 8, 1996. I didn't have this in my archives so here's a quick rundown:
In the clip Howard was talking about KISS since Fred had played one of their songs as they were coming back. Stuttering John came in to talk about going to see KISS. He told Howard how funny it was. That led to them talking about smoking weed at the concert and how Howard has no desire to get high anymore.
Howard said the funniest thing out there in music is tribute bands. Howard said he remembers that there used to be a Beatles tribute band that did a play called BeatleMania. Howard said that the band always names themselves after a song that the band does. There were some Doors bands like that.
Howard said Gary went to see one of the concerts that a Doors tribute band did. Gary told Howard about what that was like. He said that the guy was acting like Jim Morrison at the start of the show. He was playing drunk and acting like Jim did. He had his shirt off and he was running around like he was loaded.
Steve Grillo came in and said that these guys act like they're the real guy. Gary said there are many tribute bands like that and they do it for band like the Doors, Bruce Springsteen and more.
Howard said Gary saw Crystal Ship perform. He said they were a Doors tribute band. Howard said he never liked The Doors. He said his father would bring home free albums and he'd throw them away.
Gary said when he was in college the Doors were huge. He said that they'd all go to see this tribute band because Jim Morrison was dead. Robin said the audience acts like they're seeing the real thing.
Howard said Gary saw the band perform and the lead singer climbed up into the rafters like Jim would do. Howard had Gary hold off on telling the story because he wanted to play some Doors music as he told the story. He had some trouble with the turntable though. He said the record was off balance so it wasn't working right. He eventually got the record to play but the arm was bouncing off. They got a quarter to put on the tone arm so it was weighed down.
Gary said he hears this music and realizes that he wasted 1982 and 1983 listening to that. Howard said they should get rid of the turntables in there. He said it's a waste.
Gary got back to his story and told Howard about how the guy climbed into the ceiling of the club and he went into a ceiling tile because the ceiling was open. He ended up getting up on the tiles and swinging over the crowd. Then he gets over the drum kit and the ceiling collapses. He said he fell into the drum kit and he got up in pain. Howard was laughing as he retold the story Gary just told.
Gary said the guy fell back first onto the drum kit. He said the guy was acting just like Jim Morrison would have in concert when he was wasted. Gary said they continued the show after setting the drums up again. Howard said that's so funny and he wishes that they had a tape of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Crystal Ship and they weren't bad. He said there's another tribute band who does something similar and the lead singer was a dick. He said that the guy said he didn't want pictures taken of him but he called himself ''Mr. Mojo.'' The caller said the guy broke his camera that night. He said he yelled at him and the guy said he didn't want to talk because he was in a trance.
Howard said he has to take Robin out to see one of these tribute bands sometime. Howard said it's great to watch. The caller told them more about that band he saw and he said there was only one nice guy in the band. He said that guy was the keyboard player.
Howard asked Gary who this Van Halen tribute band called Atomic Punks. Howard had some audio of them playing and the lead singer does the same kind of talk up for songs that Roth would do. Howard played that and he said the guy is kind of like David Lee Roth but not quite so he's even more annoying. Howard played a couple of clips of that band and laughed at the way the guy talked up the songs. Gary said he has video of this band so Howard said he has to watch that. Howard said they have to get them on the show too. They spent a couple more minutes in that before wrapping up.
Hank The Drunken Dwarf Comes In. 8/15/97. 6:50am
Remember Hank? He's the dwarf who came in and got dressed up in a Superman outfit last year. He went out on a date with a woman and wore the Superman outfit on a carriage ride around Central Park. Today he came in so Howard could put him in a box out on the street. Before they got to that Howard talked to a 15 year old kid who got laid by his 25 year old math tutor. Then another dwarf called in to yell at Hank and tell him that he's giving dwarfs a bad name. Hank cursed and yelled at the guy. He may be the first person to say ''asshole'' more than once without having the delay button hit. Around 8:05 this morning Hank was in a steamer trunk yelling at people to get him out of the trunk. They did this with the late Doug Bady a couple of years ago. Hank tried it for a little while but he said he's claustrophobic so he had to get out. A bunch of people walked right by the trunk and looked at it when Hank yelled. No one helped. That was it for Hank. He ruined the bit so Howard didn't have him back into the studio for the rest of the day.
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 6-7am
Gary the Retard's birthday is tomorrow so Howard held a big birthday bash for him with celebrities and celebrity impersonators. Howard started off the birthday show around 6:15. The studio was decorated like a Chuck-E-Cheese kids restaurant with balloons all over the place. Howard said it looks like a ''cross between Caligula and Chuck-E-Cheese.'' Yesterday Gary the 'tard got to go to Scores and they captured some of that on tape. Howard played a little bit of it and it sounded like Gary was having a hell of a time there. He had lap dances and even got spanked with his own belt. Howard then brought in the first guest, Jackie Chan (Fred the Elephant Boy). Fred was all made up to look like Jackie but he held his script up in front of him so it didn't work to well. He called Gary ''Numb'a one retard'' and wished him a happy birthday. Next up was Mohammed Ali (Joe Cancer). Mohammed grunted and groaned a little bit and did his short bit for the show. After that it was a phony Jay Leno on the phone. Not much of a script there. Each person only had about 30 seconds to wish Gary a happy birthday. A couple of guys from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting came in and presented Gary with a honorary degree from the school. Next up was Jill from Perfect 10 Magazine who gave Gary some magic beans as a gift. She said they'll do anything he wants them to. President Clinton and Vice President Gore were up next. I don't know who played those two but their scripts were short. Then Anti-Semitic Mickey Mouse (High Pitched Eric) came in to wish Gary a happy. Howard then moved on to hypnotist Dr. King who hypnotized a couple of Perfect 10 girls for Gary. He had them thinking that they had sex with Gary the night before. Dr. King sounded like he was half asleep and like he didn't have a clue what was going on. The girls were to think they were orgasming when Gary would rub his ear but they must have been totally disgusted by him because they didn't play along very well.
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 7-8am
Starting off the second hour of Gary's birthday bash was a mystery phone call. It turned out to be Amanda the retard who went out on a date with Gary a few months back. Gary actually knew who it was when he heard her voice. Amanda has been winning medals in the Special Olympics although she didn't know which events she won them in. Howard said he was taking another mystery phone call but it turned out to be Amanda again. He wanted to make it seem like Gary had dated more than one woman.. Up next was Jackie's wife Nancy and her band ''Scold-eese'' or whatever the hell they call themselves. They performed a birthday song for Gary and plugged an appearance they're making at Crossroads in Hicksville, NY this Saturday night. The next guest was Ted Turner (aka Wood Yi). He had a few lines to read then Howard moved on to Frank Gifford and his son Cody (Slow Adam). I don't know who played Frank but it was pretty funny. He was yelling about how he wants his kid to play sports, not dress up and sing like Kathie Lee wants him to. ''Cody'' sang some of the Star Spangled Banner before the next guest came in. That guest was Norm Zaeda from Perfect 10 Magazine. He spent a few minutes talking to Howard about how he started his magazine then one of the Perfect 10 girls gave Gary a birthday gift. It was a toy police car that made noises. She demonstrated it for Gary and he seemed to enjoy it. Up next were some people from hotjobs.com who presented Gary with a dinner for 4 at Lucky Chans which also included a limo ride. After that John Travolta (Vin the Retard) came in to do a 30 second bit that turned out to be a mess. Then Senator Ted Kennedy (Hank the Angry Dwarf) came in and did his thing for Gary. After Hank came the real Daniel Baldwin who wished Gary a happy b'day. He said that the movie industry was giving everyone in the business 1 minute off today in recognition of Gary's birthday.
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 8-9am
During this hour we had The Pope (Big Foot) call in to mumble some stuff to Gary. You could barely understand a word he said so we'll move on to the Dahli Lama (Fred the Elephant Boy). The Dahli Lama had some advice for Gary on his birthday like ''Take a long walk every day and never work for Tom Chiusano.'' Howard had to interpret all of the Dahli's stuff since he's so hard to understand.
Up next was Mike Walker who called in to play the gossip game with Gary. Mike calls in each week with 4 gossip stories. 3 of them are from his National Enquirer gossip column and one is false. Here are this week's four stories:
Producer Gary Marshall called in to plug his new movie ''The Other Sister'' which, ironically, is about retards! The movie stars Juliet Lewis as a retarded girl and opens today I believe. Gary spent a few minutes talking to Howard about the movie. He said there's no nudity but the subject of sex does come up between the two retards in the movie. Next up was magician Penn Gillete from Penn & Teller. Penn & Teller have their own show on FX each Friday night called ''Penn & Teller's Sin City Spectacular.'' Penn hasn't been on the show in about 8 years and it's probably because of something he did to Gary, not the retard, Baba Booey. Gary told a story of how Penn tickled him until he almost pissed his pants because Gary had played an answering machine message on the air that Penn had left for him. At the time Penn was trying to get a date with Robin and asked for her phone number on the machine. The two of them hugged and made up today. Penn said he didn't remember doing anything like that but took Gary's word for it. After that was out of the way Penn tried to do a card trick with Gary the Retard. It wasn't anything special and Penn was half talking to Howard and doing the trick at the same time. Howard took a break after that intense segment and Blondie came in to perform a song for Gary the 'tard. Blondie has reunited and they have a new album ''No Exit'' out. Howard tried talking to Debra Harry from the band but she wasn't in the mood to talk. Howard brought in a bunch of Scores girls and the Perfect 10 magazine girls to dance during Blondie's performance of their old song ''Rapture.'' Lonnie from Scores also presented the key to Scores to Gary so he can come and party anytime. Blondie will be doing an autograph signing at Strawberry's up in Cambridge, Massachusetts tonight at 6pm.
Gary The Retard Birthday Party. 2/26/99. 9-10am
The final hour of Gary the Retard's birthday show was jam packed full of guests. A couple of women from Jenny May hair removal came in and gave Gary a free hair removal gift certificate. Captain Janks called in with a special phony phone call he made to C-Span where he wished Gary a happy birthday. Debbie the Queef girl came in and queefed along to the ''Happy Birthday'' song. Everyone sang a line of ''Happy Birthday'' then she'd queef for a few seconds. She wasn't wearing any underwear when she did it so it must have been a hell of a view with her lying on her back. Larry Flynt (Crackhead Bob) made a quick appearance before Anastasia the prostitute came in to give Gary a rub down. Gary didn't want any lotion on his back so Anastasia did it dry. Howard found out that Anastasia sleeps with about 10 guys a day, 5 days a week. She charges around $500 per session and that can go up to $18-20,000 for a weekend in Las Vegas. Expensive screw huh? She said she makes it all worth it though. She started screwing guys for money when she was 19 and she's now 25. She's hoping her musical career takes off soon so she won't have to keep doing guys for money. The next guest to call in was comedian Howie Mandel (the real one). Howie wished Gary a happy birthday and promoted his syndicated TV show. Howie said that until a few moments before getting on the air he thought it was Gary the producer's birthday, not Gary the Retard. He thought they were one in the same. He told Howard about how last week while taping his show in Hawaii, his guest Charro ended up flashing a bit of her vagina on camera. He said she wasn't wearing any underwear and a gust of wind blew her skirt up. Some kids sitting in the front row caught a glimpse of her vagina. Howie said he missed it but was shown tape of it afterward. After Howie's call Howard brought in Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. Kenneth Keith has a new hair cut and a new head shot.. which he shoved in his mouth and started to eat. Kenneth Keith said he may be on www.play-live.com tonight at 5pm having live sex but he's not sure about that. He said he may just do a chat session. After Kenneth Keith Howard brought in crazy Croy the old woman who thinks that President Ronald Reagan stole some blueprints from her years ago. She rambled on and on for a few minutes about that nonsense before Howard moved on to Hank the Dwarf and Slow Adam. Howard was just bringing in the crew to thank them for showing up at that time. Then Sal the Stockbroker came in and goofed on Gary for a few minutes. He thinks that producer Gary lost 30 pounds because of his constant goofing. He wanted Gary to thank him for motivating him to do it. Sal also wished Gary the Retard a happy birthday and said that it was nice to meet the writer of Jackie the JokeMan's comedy CD's. After Sal ripped on Gary Howard brought in the rest of the nuts and said a quick thank you to them. High Pitched Eric, Elephant Boy, Vin the Retard, Debbie the queef girl, Joe Cancer and Crackhead Bob all came in and said their good bye's. One other sponsor also came in from the Davidsohn group. He gave Gary the Retard a Howard Stern Yarmulke as a gift.
Howard does another phony phone call. 5-15-96. Some guy that was sending letters to Howard asking him to get him in to porno movies got a phony phone call from Howard recently. The guy came down to the studio even though he was told not to. Howard called the guy as a porno movie producer and asked him to do a bunch of really wacky stuff and the guy agreed to do things like have cement poured in to his butt and let it harden. The guy went along with the whole thing and Howard eventually let him in on the joke.
UFO Guy Dr. Virgilio Sanchez Orchega. 2/4/02. 7:10am
Howard took a call from this guy Dr. Virgilio Sanchez Orchega from the Miami UFO Center. He claims that down in Chili there have been some sightings of some strange creatures (Dr. Sanchez Orchega pronounced it cre-A-tures). One of the strange creatures is a football shaped thing with four legs. Howard let the guy talk about these strange cre-A-tures for a few minutes before he started goofing on him. Howard thought that Dr. Sanchez Orchega said that these might be alien creatures but Dr. Sanchez said he never said that. He said that the people who found the creature thought that it might have some kind of powers to speak to them through ESP. One kid said he felt that the thing told him not to stare at it and to just walk away.
Howard spent a short time trying to find out why the guy is in this UFO center thing. The doctor said that he's now retired and this is his hobby. Howard seems to think that it's just a way for the 65 year old guy to get away from his wife of 30 years. Howard also pretended to be an alien voice himself. He spoke to the guy and goofed on him with that for a couple of minutes. Howard gave the guy a plug for his web site which is at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1341/index.html. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Robin's Birthday Celebration. 8/7/98. 9:55am
Tomorrow is Robin's birthday, she'll be 46. Howard got her a nice solid gold necklace which cost him about $3000! After Robin accepted her gift Gary announced that Robin's family was waiting in the green room. Robin had invited them up to visit with her this weekend. Robin's parents were there along with her older brother, his wife and son. Howard spoke to some of her family for a few minutes and found out that Robin would be showing them around the city today. They're going to a play and to see Robin's horses. The one weird is the fact that Robin was sending her family out to lunch while she goes to the gym after the show. Is it just me or is that a little strange?
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:55am.