John talked about where he grew up on Long Island and about the schools he went to and how he really didn't know what he wanted to do for a living. He got into film making at NYU and graduated in 1989. He met Mitch Fatel in his video class and he told him about interning for the Stern Show. Mitch hooked him up with the internship after Mitch had gotten into a car accident.
We heard from Gary about how he heard about John from Mitch and how he was told about this John guy who wanted the internship. Then we heard from Jackie about how Howard told Gary to hire John immediately when he heard he stuttered. Howard and Robin also commented on the stutter and how they knew that they were going to hire him as soon as they heard he stuttered.
Gary said that he did an interview with John in a recording studio so they could play the tape for Howard. John said that he didn't stutter that much in that interview so they didn't even have anything to play on the air.
Howard had John come into the studio for the first time and spoke to him about the stuttering. John wasn't stuttering all that much in that segment. He told Howard it comes on strongest when he's nervous. He was doing pretty well for a few minutes and then started to stutter a little bit.
John told the guys that he has trouble with words that start with M and wasn't able to say the name of the street they work on but then he was able to say it no problem. Howard asked John a bunch of questions about the stuttering.
After that segment we heard John talking about his crazy childhood and how tough he had it. He said his father used to beat the crap out of them. He told some stories about his father beating up his sister and how his mother tried to stop him one time. They all slept in his room with a knife to make sure he didn't come after them. He thinks that some of that may have brought on the stutter.
Howard talked about how it used to be his job to go out and do these interviews at press conferences. He said that he would get press credentials and he'd do the interviewing himself. He remembered one interview he did and this guy from ABC muttered something about him being an asshole and it was very embarrassing for him. He said there came a point when he didn't want to do it anymore. That's when they started sending out Gary to do the interviews.
Gary talked about how much he hated doing those interviews. Howard said that they eventually got this guy Dead Dave to do the interviews and how great he was. Gary said they got Mitch after Dave and then John replaced Mitch. Howard said there was nothing funnier than John stuttering out the questions to these celebrities. They said that he was made for that job and he loved doing it so he was perfect for the job. Gary said that John had no clue who he was talking to most of the time so that made it all that much better.
John talked about how he figured he'd have no problem doing the interviews that Mitch was doing. He was very happy when Howard sent him out to do the interviews.
Howard said that they sent Stuttering John over to interview Danny Glover at this event he was at where he was protesting the spraying of grapes with pesticides. John was supposed to be there to interview Carlie Simon but they wouldn't let him near her.
John was stuttering as he was trying to tell Howard what was going on and Howard got a few laughs from that. He said that John was just about flying off his chair as he was stuttering that stuff out. Howard said he doesn't know how he ever got laid with a stutter that bad. Howard was calling him John the Stutterer instead of Stuttering John back then.
Howard played the tape of John interviewing Danny Glover. John starts out with some normal questions. He and Danny have a little banter back and forth about the grapes thing. Then John reveals to Danny that he's a stutterer. They continue their discussion about the grapes and then John asked him if he'd vote for a stuttering president. Danny got a laugh out of that and tried to make a joke out of the question. Howard thought he was laughing at John and not at the question.
Howard figured that John was going to stutter even more after that first question. After an edited out break Howard got back to the tape and played through some more of john's interview. He talked to John about using him as Meg Griffin's replacement there at K-Rock. He told him he could probably make that happen for him. John said that he'd be in debt to him for years if he made that happen.
Howard played more of the Danny Glover interview where John was asking him more about the grapes thing. They also talked about John's band and how they had an album out. John said the name of the band was Rockslide and the name of the album was ''In the Wake Of Things To Come.'' They goofed on John a little bit about the name of the album. Then Howard started singing a little bit trying to make up some songs that might sound like what John sings.
Howard got back to the Danny Glover interview and played more of John's stutters. Howard said that he could listen to this stuff all day long. Howard said he heard that it gets even better. John eventually gives up on that quick interview. John said he called Howard after that and got more questions from him.
Howard played John's interview with Carlie Simon. John asked her about the whole grape thing. John told Howard that she wasn't looking all that good that day. John tried asking Carlie about her career but she didn't want to talk about that stuff. Then John asked her about the Howard Stern Show. She had been a guest on the show before and said that she'd be on again if she had something to promote. John was starting to stutter quite a bit during that interview.
Howard said that John isn't allowed to say that he's from the Howard Stern Show anymore because it throws people off. Howard then got to the second Danny Glover interview that John did. In the clip John asked Danny about Howard Stern. Danny didn't seem to know who he was. John asked him if he felt guilty for taking money for beating up Whoopi Goldberg in the movie ''The Color Purple.'' John had some trouble with Whoopi's name so the guys goofed on that a little bit.
Then John asked Danny a couple more questions and kept saying ''Can I ask you a question?'' before he asked the questions. Then a bunch of people gathered around to hear him asking these questions. John asked Danny if he thinks that Mike Tyson should be caged. Danny said he doesn't believe that at all and then figured that John wasn't being very serious with these questions. John asked him if he thinks that the pops is the Anti-Christ. Danny went off on him saying that they were there to boycott these grapes and he wasn't there to answer these crazy questions.
We heard another segment where Howard played a clip of John interviewing Harvey Firestein. John was complaining about the microphone that they had him using and how crappy the equipment was. Howard ended up goofing on his stutter a little bit during that one. Then John got back to his story and told Howard about what was going on at this event.
Howard played the audio of John doing his interview with Firestein. When Harvey heard that it was for Howard Stern he said he didn't want to do it and cursed him out saying he hates his fucking guts. John begged him to let him ask just 2 questions. Harvey was going off on Howard off the microphone but they could hear a little bit of it.
Howard had the list of questions that John was supposed to ask. He said that John felt bad that he didn't get the interview but John did go out and interview some other gay guys. Howard read through the list of questions that John was supposed to ask. Howard said that John had no problem asking the questions, it was just Harvey who freaked out and didn't want to do the interview.
Howard played the audio of John trying to find out why Harvey wouldn't do the interview. He asked why there weren't that many people there. He was told they were just getting started. John ended up going out on the street and asked some gay guys some questions instead. After hearing a few of those Howard told John that he was out of his mind asking stuff like that. John said that he got their permission to do that so they're the ones out of their minds.
The guys talked about some of the stuff they could hear Harvey saying in the background while John still had his tape recorder going after Harvey turned him down. Harvey was cursing him out so Howard listened to that and had some fun listening to that stuff. He told John to get out of there after that.
They played another classic moment where John was goofing on the paparazzi at an event and goofing on the way they were asking people to pose for them. John then gets an interview with Ally Sheedy. They went to commercial break after that.
John also talked about the Fred Gwynn interview and how tough it was to do the interview because Fred was such a nice guy. He was asked not to ask him anything about The Munsters. He said he wouldn't but then every question he had was about The Munsters. John said that he thinks that it was one of Howard's all time favorite interviews so that was the great part of that.
They played the segment where Howard played that Fred Gwynn interview for the first time. Howard was talking about how they tried to get the guy on the show but they never were able to do that. They sent John over to an art gallery where Fred Gwynn was making an appearance so he could get an interview. John told Howard about what went on that day and who else he saw there.
John told Howard that he had to tell them that he wasn't going to ask any Munsters questions. They wouldn't let him do the interview if he was going to ask about the Munsters so he had to lie. Howard eventually played the interview and we hear Fred Gwynn's voice for the first time. Howard said that when he hears that voice he can only picture him as Herman Munster.
John asked Fred about being in the business and Fred goes on and on talking about why he got out of the business. Howard said that all he could think of was him as Herman Munster. John asked him a few more questions and got some classic answers out of Fred.
John eventually asks Fred ''Do you sign your pictures Fred Gwynn or Herman Munster?'' Fred then tells John that he's going to make believe he didn't hear that question. Robin wanted to hear it over again so Howard replayed it for her. They spent a couple of minutes having some fun with that audio clip. John said that he had beads of sweat rolling off his nose through that interview.
Fred talks about working as Herman and how sad it is that his fans don't know about the other things he does. John asked Fred some other questions and told him that he had to ask the questions because his boss wanted him to. Then he asked Fred ''Did Vincent van Gough ever dress like Frankenstein?'' Fred didn't get the reference so John had to explain it to him. Fred asked John ''What do you think?'' and they ended the interview a short time later.
Howard read through the rest of the questions that John was supposed to ask. He and the guys spent a few minutes talking about that interview and how great it was. Howard did an impression of Fred's voice by making it really deep.
John talked about how harmless he thought this question was and how he didn't realize it until Ted asked him to repeat it to him. He said that's when he knew it was a bad one.
They played the audio from the day that Howard played the audio for the first time. In the clip Gary was telling Howard about the autograph signing event and how hot it was and how miserable everyone was in the place. Howard played the audio of John asking Ted some harmless questions but then asked him ''Did you ever fart in the catcher's face?'' That's when Ted flipped out on him and told him ''See you later!''
Howard and John went over some of the questions that he was supposed to ask the guy. He never got in any of the really hard ones. Howard replayed the interview and had the guys laughing again.
They played the audio from the show where Howard talked about John asking Ringo ''What are you going to do with the money?'' and Ringo says ''What money?'' and then John says ''The money you wasted on singing lessons.'' Howard said that John asked the question and gave everyone douche chills.
Howard said that everyone was angry with John for asking that question but he said that it really wasn't a big event. It was just Ringo announcing that he was going on tour. They talked about the tour and who else was supposed to be going out with Ringo. Howard was describing some of the other things that went on during that press conference before John asked his questions.
Howard said that he and Jackie were actually slapping each other 5 congratulating each other on organizing this whole thing. He went on to play the tape of John asking his questions. John asked Ringo a couple of tame questions and then asked him the question about what he did with the money. Howard and Robin were cringing when they heard that question. John got off one other question but they wanted to hear that one again first. Howard told John he's got balls. John said that they told him to ask that. Ringo tells John that he actually spent that money on Fish and Chips. Howard was laughing his ass off when he heard that.
Howard played John getting in the other question and cringed again when he heard John asking him ''Was it easy writing 'It Don't Come Easy?'' John had a really bad stutter right before he asked that one so Howard replayed it.
We heard from Jackie again after they played that old clip. Jackie talked about how much they all cringed that day and how they asked Ringo years later about that interview. John talked about it a little more and we heard from Gary Garver about some of those classic interviews too.
We heard another classic interview that John did with Paul McCartney. The replayed the segment where Howard played that interview. Howard talked to John about the event and played the clips of him asking the questions. John asked him a bunch of pretty tame questions. Paul answered them all and didn't seem to have a problem with them at all.
John said he wondered how many trains The Beatles pulled with chicks. That led to the guys talking about what that might be like. Howard said that John is probably the caboose in his band. He told him he's very proud of him for doing what he does.
John must have cut a deal to do this special because he got in a plug for his new movie ''National Lampoon Presents: One, Two, Many'' after this segment. They went to break after that plug.
Robin talked about how John and his band were always changing their name and they were the worst names ever. Steve Grillo talked about how good John was in the band and how cool he thought they were. Mike Gange said that the E! crew produced a video for John and his band one time. He said that John had a couple of okay songs and he didn't think that they were going to ever go big with the album.
John said that he did a video and got Sting and Gene Simmons and a few other people to appear in it. He said they sold about 50,000 copies which wouldn't be that bad today but back then it wasn't that good and Atlantic Records dropped him the next year. John told some stories about playing with Ted Nugent on tour and how he saw a chick mouthing the words to his songs while he was playing one time. He thought that was pretty cool.
We heard an old segment where Howard talked to John about his band. He said that they let John and his band play at their house party for the TV show recently. John was really out of it from not getting any sleep. He tried explaining what his song was about but he was having some trouble getting it out so Howard was goofing on him about it.
Howard started to play some of John's performance but it wasn't the right song. Scott the Engineer came in and told him it was about 2 minutes into that tape so he had to fast forward. Howard eventually played the song and asked him about the lyrics. John was telling them what he meant with them but they didn't get it.
John wanted Howard to play the studio version of the song because what he was playing wasn't mic'd very well. Howard played that version and said that he didn't know. He said it was good but he needs a producer or something.
Howard spent a few minutes trying to give John some advice on his album. He told him it was a great song but John thought that he was patronizing him. John said that when the other band, at an appearance he was at, was warming up everyone was chanting ''Mund'' which is his band's name. They spent a minute on that and John went off on Robin for some stuff that she's done. Howard told John that they weren't there to attack him, they're his biggest fans.
After that segment we heard John talking about how he was asked who he wanted to write with when he was signed to Atlantic Records. They actually set him up with Joe Walsh. They had Joe talking about working with John too and how they wrote a song together. John said that he went over to Joe's house one day after they had written a song and they didn't have the lyrics that they had written the night before. He said that they had to rewrite the song but they never did put it on the album. He said he has it on his web site though. Joe said he liked working with John and said he was always a great guy.
Next we heard John asking Roy Rogers some questions after trying to get his attention. He asked Roy ''I found a rubber glove in the salad at one of your restaurants, doesn't that suck?'' Roy couldn't hear him though.
They were zipping in and out of these segments going from one to the next very quickly. They played a segment where Howard was going off on Gary for not keeping an eye on John at an event they went to. Howard went off on both of them for not following the questions in the order that he told them to. He had them repeating after him and went off on them for a few minutes.
John made the mistake of saying that something was a ''mute point'' instead of ''moot point.'' Howard goofed on him about that and about his pronunciation of Macauley Culkin's first name. Howard told John that he was dangerously close to being replaced after that. He told a story about Gary calling him collect one day from out in California. He said that Gary had a problem and asked him for some advice for what they should do when they get to this event. He told Gary how he would do it and not get themselves kicked out by trying to ask the questions twice. He said he wanted Gary to learn to do stuff on his own instead of calling him all the time.
Howard played the audio of John's interview with Van Halen. John told him he got off the script a little bit at one point so Howard went off on him about that. John said that he should get a pat on the back for getting into the event at least. Howard told John to just stick to his order from now on. Gary told him that they can't always stick to it when they're realizing that they can't get out more than one more question. Howard insisted that they stick to the order no matter what.
Gary thought that Howard was going to ruin the interview by harping on this one thing when they have a very funny interview. Howard told Gary he'd prefer it if he left the studio. He kicked him out and Fred played some fly swarming sounds as if there were flies following him out of the studio.
Howard got back to the interview and played the rest of John's questions. After John asked Eddie if he would name his daughter ''Coyote Face'' since he named his son Wolfgang, they wanted him kicked out. John left after that. He said that Eddie was really pissed at him but the other guys in the band were okay with him.
Howard played the next interview with Lenny Kravitz. They only had generic questions for him so Howard went off on Gary again for not thinking about what to ask the guy. He said they could have asked him about his relationship with Lisa Bonet. John also got one with Carol Alt that Howard quickly played. He said that he had one with the rappers NWA. He played that one real quick as well.
John got an interview with Paula Abdul and asked her about dating one of the guys from the Mark and Brian show. She claimed she didn't know who Howard Stern was but Howard said she definitely does. He ended up going off on Gary again for not getting all of the tape of these interviews for him. Gary said that it was the TV show that was supposed to have taped it but they didn't get the whole thing. He flipped out on those guys for a few minutes since they were screwing up his show for him.
Howard said that channel 9 renewed his show and he's not sure what he's going to do now. He said he had a tension headache from all of this. He then rolled through a Brian Wilson interview. They went to a commercial break after that.
Robin goofed on John saying that he thinks that he's going to get a record contract just because of the show. That's why he's sticking with them as long as he is.
Howard said that they gave John a radio show on the AM station there so he was asking him all kinds of questions about doing the show. He said he just told him he didn't know and he didn't want to know. He said that he appreciates him working there for free and coming in at 4:30 in the morning but he doesn't know what to tell him about this radio show of his.
Robin told Howard about John's radio show and how he's doing all of these strange sounds and using that ''gashish'' line of his all the time. John said that he does use it sometimes but not all the time. He was saying some strange stuff during this segment so Howard and Robin were goofing on him about that.
John asked Howard about doing a bit for his show but it was a question Howard couldn't answer. Howard told John that he should be asking Tom Chiusano about that. That led to Howard playing a clip of an intro from John's show that bored him so much that he said he was done listening. John told him that was just the intro, not his show.
Howard said that he doesn't like his show but John said that he tells him off the air he does like it. Howard said that's because he lies to him off the air. He's being truthful with him on the air. He told John that he's not there to teach him how to be on the air, that's what his loser college was for.
Howard played one of John's song parodies and goofed on how bad it was. He said that John comes off as being really boring with that song parody. It was him doing his ''Gash man'' thing to the tune of ''Wild Thing.'' He played a clip of John doing a Dice Clay bit that was like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Howard told him the bit wasn't all that great and said that he looked like a monkey when he stutters sometimes.
After that stuff we heard some of the guys talking about John's stutters and how funny he would look at times. Brian Phelan, Fred and Ralph were talking about his face locking up and his tongue wagging around. They talked about his face locking up. Gilbert Gottfried said that he sounded like Lou Costello in the old movies at times.
Then they played some more audio clips from some old shows where the guys were goofing on John's stutter. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of John and stuttering like mad. They threw in some sound effects while they were doing that. Robin was afraid that Howard was going to pass out doing the impression while Fred found some clips to play. They had some bee swarming audio that they were comparing to John's stutters.
After that we heard a segment from the show where Howard talked to John about his drinking at the Christmas party. John said he was trying to drink with the owner of the company but had a hard time keeping up. He ended up puking all over the city on his way home. He said he got into his car and threw up right outside his car door. Fred played some puking sound clips as they were talking about that. He said that he puked out the window about 7 or 8 times as this girl was driving him home. He said he had about 8 tequilas and about a dozen beers.
John talked about going over to Ed Moyer, the sales manager's, house and drinking some other stuff. He said that no one would let him drive but then Ed wanted him out of his house so he said he'd walk home. He started to walk home but then he went back and sat down and had some coffee with him and his wife.
Howard talked about John's drinking and how that can get him into a lot of trouble. He said that Jackie loves drinking too and always has stories like John's. They went through some of those stories and goofed on both John and Jackie about that stuff.
John told the guys that he ended up getting pulled over on his way home after he finally sobered up. he'd gotten lost and went down the wrong way on a one way street. He said the cop ended up having him sign Howard's book when he pulled him over. The guy was cool and they had him follow them home. Gary said that after he heard how much he had to drink he still shouldn't have been sober by that time of the morning the next day. John said that he was fine.
After that we heard Mike Gange talking about the mess that John would be when he'd come in after drinking. He said that he was a mess after not showering or anything. Fred also had some things to say about John being a mess when he'd come in. He said that he was an interesting looking character.
They played a segment where Howard talked about John's hair and how he was looking like Kramer from ''Seinfeld.'' John said he was trying to grow out his hair after cutting it all off and it wasn't growing back very quick. John said that cutting it off really helped him get into some events because no one recognized him.
We heard more of the guys commenting on John's hygiene. Mike Gange, Scott the Engineer, Gary and others were talking about the mess that was John. Gary told some stories about John sleeping there at the station and how he got caught by the head of the company at the time. That was Mel Karmazin. They actually found a pillow up against his door one morning and John claimed he wasn't sleeping in his office, just outside of it.
Ralph talked about how dirty John always was in his opinion. Richard Christy talked about how there's no reason to get dressed up when you go to work there. He said he understands why John was never that clean. He said he can relate to that no problem.
Robin told a story about having John out to dinner one time and how he farted at the table. She said that her boyfriend at the time took a glass of water and poured it on John's lap.
After that we heard a segment where the guys were talking about John's stink. Howard said he thought that someone was eating garlic but it was actually John's smell. That all led to John talking about how he'd like to get paid for working there. Howard told him that probably won't happen. They spent a few minutes going over that.
John said that he was only making $20,000 a year over there. Howard told him go to out and make appearances and he could easily double that. John said that he figured he was making about 2 dollars an hour working there. They spent a few more minutes talking about that stuff. They also talked about all of the stuff they do for John.
Before going to break we heard a quick interview that John did with John Goodman.
After that quick intro we heard an old segment from the show where John talked about the interview that he went out and did the day before. They went over that and goofed on John for screwing up the word ''statistician'' during the discussion.
Howard eventually read through the questions for Carl Yastrzemski. They weren't all that offensive but John said that the guy freaked out and he got thrown out after the third question. Howard played the audio of John doing his interview with Yaz and John got in those three questions but Yaz didn't like being asked if he had ever farted in the catcher's face. Then he asked if he liked Dolly's implants. That's when he got kicked out.
Howard replayed the interview and talked to John about the order of the questions. Howard said that he should have put them in a different order. He said that he would have done that if he had the time yesterday.
After that clip we heard another interview that John did with Mancow, another morning radio guy. They went back and forth arguing about a call that Mancow and Howard had around that time. After a long interview session John tried to get more with Mancow but one of his guys broke a phone which pissed John off. John said that he also had his tape recorder stolen from him.
We heard a clip from The Tonight Show where Jay Leno was interviewing Burt Reynolds and they brought up this Stuttering John character. Burt was complaining about Howard Stern. He said he'll do every radio show except for his. Burt also talks about Stuttering John and the interview he tried to get with him.
Richard Christy said that he was watching an E! show back in 1994 or so and saw John doing an interview with Burt Reynolds. That's when he first learned of John. John came on and talked about the interview he did with Burt in this mall where he was making an appearance. He said that he was yelling out the questions in the mall since they wouldn't let him do a regular interview with the guy.
Doug Goodstein talked about that interview because it was his first shoot with John for the E! show. He didn't know what to expect and it turned out to be pretty wild. Doug said that they found Burt walking up to his table and John ambushed him immediately. He said that they fed into his anger and kept it going for quite a while. They kept getting in his face so security had to take him out of the place. Doug said that was his first experience with John and it was awesome.
After that they played the segment where Howard played the audio of that Burt Reynolds interview for the first time. John told Howard about how many people were at the mall, about 3-400, and how old Burt was looking. He said he's got that old looking neck thing going on.
Howard played the audio of John asking his questions. He was asked to leave after asking a question about how close he's been to Dom Deluise when he cut the cheese. A woman kept cutting John off and tried to get him to move back. John just kept saying ''Uh huh, uh huh'' as they pushed him. John said that a cop came over and pushed him back too.
John was asked to leave but he kept yelling out questions so they shuffled him away from the area. Stuttering Vic was in to talk about the interview as well since he was there. He filled Howard in on some of the details. Then Howard played the audio where John was yelling out the questions from the second floor of the mall, above Burt. He just yelled out every question he had before Security started coming up to chase them out.
John and Vic went out and got some other interviews so John filled Howard in on that. They talked about Vic and how he doesn't like Pam Anderson and prefers Katie Couric over her. They goofed on him about that and about some other things as well. John was also trying to get Vic to say a name that he's not able to say. Vic eventually said it and stuttered out ''T... T... T... Teressa.''
Howard played the audio of John interviewing Samuel L. Jackson. He also got a quick one with Racquel Welch. She ran off pretty quickly though.
Up next we heard Brian Phelan talking about going out on interviews with John and how comical it was. He said that they'd always have to buy lunch for John because he never had any money on him. John was talking about doing an interview with Mike Tyson one time too. That led into them playing audio from that segment.
In the clip we heard Howard talking about sending John out to interview Mike Tyson and how scary it must have been for John with the questions they had for him. After an edited out break Howard came back and spent a few minutes talking up the interview. John talked about what he was up against out there at the event and how crazy things were there.
Howard played the audio of John doing the interview with Mike. Mike had a little bit of an intro before anyone got to ask any questions. People were booing the guy doing the intro. John said that the guy showed up about 30 minutes late too. Howard told Robin that's why you don't want to show up late, because people will boo you. Robin said she never showed up that late to anything. Howard continued to play the audio of these people making speeches at this event that John was at.
We heard a quick interview that John did with Matthew Broderick before they cut to commercial break.
John also talked about one time that he had pulled a $10 bill down the hall with fishing line and how funny that was to him. He said that really pissed Scott off.
Up next we heard an old segment from the show where Howard called John into the studio to talk to him about something that he had done. Howard asked John if he knew who the Governor of New York was. He said it was Cuomo but Howard thought that he didn't know his name. John said he may have said it wrong at some time but he knew the name.
John then revealed that they loaded Scott the Engineer's cigarettes with exploding loads. He said Scott smoked one of them one day and it exploded so he just picked up another one and lit it right up. Howard asked why they would do something dangerous to a guy like Scott. Howard said there was too much practical joking going on there.
The guys goofed on Scott about the exploding cigarettes for a few minutes. They also talked about another thing that happened with Scott that was funny. Howard explained the story since John wasn't doing it justice. Howard said that Scott has an ashtray that he locks up in a metal cabinet. One day he forgot to put out a cigarette and it was smoking out the cabinet in the studio. They had to call him back to the station to put it out. John said that they have a bunch of tapes from the show in that cabinet too. Scott came in and said that never happened. He said that he does lock up his ashtray but he never had to come back to put out a fire.
Scott said that the guy who told the story was a big practical joker and it wasn't true. They talked to Scott about that exploding cigarette too. Scott said that it did blow up in his face but he just got another one and lit it up.
Steve Grillo was trying to get someone to come down to the studio to talk about the ashtray incident but he wasn't having any luck. They spent a few more minutes talking to Scott about the exploding cigarettes. Scott said he didn't think much of it at the time because sometimes seeds get into the cigarettes and they do explode. The guys were doing their impressions of Scott and goofing on him and his smoking.
Steve Grillo talked about John taping down Scott's phone so he can't pick up and hear anyone. He said that he tapes down the buttons on the phone so it won't pick up. John also talked about the time that Scott threw the phone at him because of that joke.
After that segment we heard Richard, Robin and others talking about the time that John kidnapped the Gary Puppet. Gary and Steve Grillo talked about that joke and how things went back then. Ralph also got in some comments about how that was a really brutal joke to pull on Gary because it wasn't a quick one, it lasted too long.
They played the segment from that day when Gary revealed to Howard that the puppet was stolen. Here's what I wrote the last time they played this segment... Gary was telling Howard that the Gary puppet had been stolen over the weekend. He was afraid that Howard was going to get mad at him so he was going to leave the studio to tell him. He said he was really, really nervous telling Howard this story. He said that the puppet had been abducted on Saturday but he did have a plate number so he was going to try and track it down. Gary said he thought that Howard and the guys had set him up though.
Howard said he told Gary not to take that puppet to his appearances. He said the puppet is a superstar and he loves it more than any person on the planet. He asked him how he can lose something like that. Howard asked Gary where he was and where the puppet was. Gary said he was in Little Falls, New Jersey and someone stole it while he was there. The puppet is now gone and he has no idea where it is.
Gary said the owner of the store wanted to show him his stereo system so he walked out of the store and that's when the puppet was taken. Howard asked Gary if he had called the cops yet. Gary said he hadn't done that yet. He said the owner is willing to pay for a new one to be made and that might take a couple of weeks. Howard asked Gary to just go himself from now on and not take the puppet. He said he can't trust him with his property.
Howard had a caller on the line who said that he was there at the store and thought that the guys were pulling a prank on Gary. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy because he didn't have his camera on him. Gary knew that something was up and wondered why Howard hung up on that guy so quick. Howard said goodbye to Gary and told him to leave after he gave him a big smirk like he was in on the whole thing.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard he had another guy on the line who saw the puppet get stolen. The guy said that he saw Gary after the puppet disappeared and he was so white he looked like a mime with big green teeth. He said he could see the dread in his face when the puppet had vanished. Howard asked for someone to return the puppet so they could move on. He said Gary was staring at him like he had done something wrong.
Howard said this did seem kind of dumb because it's all over a puppet. He said he's not even mad at Gary for the puppet being taken when he had nothing to do with it. He said he doesn't get Gary and asked him why he would give him that look when he had nothing to do with it.
Gary said the guy on the phone didn't even see what happened, he wasn't there. He said he still thinks that this is a practical joke that they're pulling on him because they've done that to other people on the show. He said he was promoting this gig for two weeks and he could just about see the smile on Jackie's face. Gary said he had someone watching over the puppet for him so he should have been okay.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had the puppet. He said he was looking at the puppet as they spoke and described what he was wearing. Howard asked to talk to the puppet so the guy did his Gary impression and goofed on Gary a little bit. Gary claimed that the guy had left a ransom note so he was going to run out to get it. Howard continued to talk to the guy for a short time and then Gary came back in and said that he has his license plate number. He also said that stealing the puppet is a felony because it's worth over $600. The guy said that he was showing the puppet to friends and he had offers to buy it.
Howard said he doesn't know what this guy is going to be doing to the puppet while he has it. He said that he's not sure he wants it back now. He asked the guy to just give it back. The guy said he lives in New Jersey so he could have it there in 15 minutes... for the right price. Tom Chiusano came in and said they're not going to negotiate with a criminal. He said they have a lead and they will call the police and get things in gear.
The caller said he wanted $2,000 for it and he'd bring it in. Howard said he would pay. He asked if he wanted to do it at a drop off point or something so they could avoid the police. Ralph came in and said that he could make a new one with two thousand dollars. Tom said he thinks they should go after that guy. Howard wanted to know what they should do with Gary. Gary wanted to get the puppet back first and then decide. Howard said he thinks that Gary hates the puppet so much that he left it alone hoping that it would disappear. Gary said that's not the case.
Howard said that the puppet has gotten more popular than him and that's why he wanted it to disappear. Gary said he loved the puppet. Howard wondered why he didn't let him know that the puppet had been stolen right away. Gary had the license plate number and should have reported it immediately. Gary said this was turning out as bad as he expected it to. Howard and Robin goofed on him for not calling the cops right away.
The caller said he was going to jack up the price to $5,000 since he did have some offers for that much. Howard said he would call off the deal and call the cops on him instead. The guy said that this is the original puppet and it's like having the original Charlie McCarhty doll. Howard said this is like negotiating with Jackie.
Howard said he really wanted to resolve this whole thing and decided that they're not going to negotiate with the guy. A cop had showed up to take some information down. The cop came in but he was a New York City officer. The crime took place in New Jersey so they had to report it there. That led to Howard telling the cop how dopey Gary is and how he should have reported this over the weekend.
Howard had Gary repeating after him. He had him talking about how incompetent he is and that he will stop taking that stuff and also stop taking stupid pills and dumb capsules. Robin said she can't believe he did something he was told not to do. Howard said this wasn't the first time he's been fooled and it won't be the last. He said his first reaction was to say no to him and that's what he should have done.
Howard said that he's not going to be a nice guy on this show anymore. If he wants the puppet to stay there, it's going to stay there from now on. John said that they had a private investigator there. Howard told him to keep that guy around so they could hire him to find Gary's brain.
Howard said that they were actually going to have that puppet host ''Talk Soup'' on E!. Howard told Gary that he needs a real producer and he needs to get rid of him. Howard said he wanted to finalize everything and wrap up. He got the owner of the store, Nick, on the phone and asked him what had gone on. Nick said he was demonstrating the mini-disc system he had in his car and they left the puppet behind. He said that they had a lot of people in the store and someone took their eyes off the puppet for a short time. He said that Gary was very upset and it turned the place into a funeral.
Gary said that this all happened about a half hour before he was done with the appearance. Nick said he did hear some people talking about stealing the puppet and he should have known something was going on. He also said he had asked Gary if he wanted him to report the theft to the police but Gary didn't want him to. Gary said he didn't think that it would help things out at the time.
Fred came walking in with the puppet a short time later. Gary said that he knew that they had set him up. Howard said he didn't know anything. Howard said he would be nuts to let that puppet out of his sight. He said they plotted the stealing of that puppet for three weeks. He said Gary had asked him if he could borrow the puppet and that led to them coming up with the plan. John said that he was the one who actually stole the puppet so of course he knew about it. Gary kept calling him over the weekend freaking out about it.
John said that the car that they drove off in was his assistant's car. Gary said that the plate number he had was actually a bad number. He had tried to report it but it was missing a number or one of the numbers was wrong. Gary wondered if they were going to have video tape of the whole thing too. Howard said they didn't have that. Fred did his Gary Puppet impression and goofed on Gary with the puppet for a few seconds.
Howard said they came up with this plan after some discussion and they weren't sure they were going to be able to pull it off. Then they got the owner of the store involved and had him help them out with the plan. Gary said he's amazed that no one caved in after seeing him freaking out on them.
Howard said that John called him that night to tell him he had the puppet. He wanted to call the whole thing off but John wanted to keep the joke going for a while. That's why they kept it going until this morning. Gary said he wanted to come in and search the station for the puppet this morning. John said the puppet was safe in a car out on Madison Avenue this morning. Gary asked whose idea it really was. Howard wasn't sure but he thinks that it might have been Jackie. Gary had placed the blame on him earlier in the morning and it was almost as if he was quoting him according to Jackie.
Jackie said that it would have been great if they could have stolen the puppet from John as well. John said he had that in mind so he was expecting it. Gary said that he and his wife were talking about it and they figured this would be dragged out for a few more days at least. John said that he regrets not recording the calls he had with Howard. He said they were laughing together about the whole thing. Howard said he told John to tell the guy to call in with the puppet demanding ransom money. Gary was also fooled because Howard didn't bring up the puppet early this morning like he expected him to.
Gary said that he was so exhausted and depressed that he went to bed at about 6:30 last night. He said he woke up 3 or 4 times during the night as well. Howard took a call from a guy who said he was there and very upset that the puppet had been stolen. Howard said this whole thing worked out great. They had been planning it for three weeks and it worked out very well.
After that segment we heard Gary talking about how ugly those pranks can get. He said he'd rather watch the pranks from outside. He talked about how he had to get back at John for that prank by firing him. Here's what I wrote when they replayed that segment, from March 28, 1995:
Gary said that John has pulled jokes on him like stealing the Gary Puppet one time. Gary also said that John had a stockbroker call him and tell him he'd lost all of his money. There was also one time when Gary came in and told Howard how boring he was at an appearance he made one time. He was kind of pissed about that as well.
Gary went to Howard and told him he wanted to fire John and tape it off the air so he could make him feel crappy. He knew it wouldn't be funny, but he wanted to get back at him for all of this stuff he's done to him.
Howard explained how he had gotten mad at John on the air yesterday and that was part of Gary's plan to fire John. John said that he thought he was going to get fired and was worried about it the whole day. Gary brought Stuttering John into the jock lounge there at the station and had a hidden microphone in there. Gary told John he had to fire him because of the book deal that had come up a while back.
Howard said Gary didn't want to tell John for a couple of days that he was fired. Howard thought John might kill himself if they did that to him so they had to tell him. john said he might have done that if they had left him hanging like that.
Gary said he had been working on this since before they went on their Christmas vacation so it had been in the works for months. Howard started to play the audio where Gary brings John into the room and sits him down to break the news to him. Gary told John that the whole book deal thing came up again with Howard's agent Don Buchwald and he was apparently flipping out over it. John said he was convinced Gary was for real because he seemed so nervous about the whole thing.
Stuttering John told Gary that he had fired the guy who was doing the book deal thing and he wasn't going ahead with it. Fred went into his Stuttering John impression and goofed on John about the way he answered Gary about the book deal thing because he wasn't making much sense.
Howard got back to the clip and listened to Gary explaining to John why they were about to fire him. Gary said that he felt back because he's one of his best friends. Gary dragged it out and Howard wasn't sure why he kept saying it was Howard who was firing him. Gary said it was supposed to be Howard who was letting him go. John sounded all bummed out and said that he had been working there for 7 years.
Gary made a couple of goofy comments during the conversation so Howard and Fred were goofing on him about those. Gary left at one point to go get Howard but came back a short time later and told John that Howard refused to talk to him.
John was bummed out and said that he wasn't trying to do anything wrong. He explained what he had done with the book deal and all of that stuff. Gary then breaks the news to John that he was goofing on him by saying ''I have two words of advice... Gary Puppet.'' John told him that it was a great joke but he wasn't going to hate him for the rest of his life like Gary does.
Howard said that John is already planning to do something else to Gary. He told him on the way down to the garage yesterday that he had something in the works. Gary said he has another one to pull on John as well though.
After that segment we heard an interview that John did with Mr. Rogers. Then they went to another break.
We heard from Stuttering John about that incident. He was talking about the guy who lifted him up and dragged him out of the press conference. He said the guy knocked him down so he came up swinging. He said he thinks he hit the guy next to him instead of the guy that took him down.
After that we heard the segment where Howard talked to John about the incident. It took place at the MTV awards. Howard said it wasn't even all that funny. Here's what I wrote when this show aired live back on September 9, 1996:
Howard finally got to discuss the MTV Awards with Stuttering John this morning. Stupid dried up old prude, Sharon Stone, was offended by John's questions last Wednesday and her body guard got physical with John because of it. John told his side of the story and it's obvious that he should file a lawsuit against this guy and his boss Sharon Stone. John said the guy just slapped him across the face so John pushed back and the next thing you know John is being held down by 4 guys being beat up. He ended up going to the hospital with back pain. He's still on anti-inflammatory medication to keep his back pain under control.
Michael Buffer, the guy who says 'Let's get ready to rumble!' at fights, called in to tell his sighting of the fight. He was standing near John when the fight happened and he backed up John's claims. He was also impressed with John for not falling to the floor when he was punched in the face. John kept on his feet and yelled out for anyone who got a picture of the fight.
After playing that segment we heard John talking about going to the hospital that night and what he had to go through. Fred was talking about some of the stuff they used to write for John and how they were trying to push people's buttons but John apparently didn't know that.
John also talked about the time he interviewed Raquel Welch and how she popped him in the face. He thought about suing her back then. Then Andrew Dice Clay reminded him that he was punched out by a chick and he decided against pursuing a lawsuit.
Up next we heard the segment where Howard talked to John about Raquel Welch punching him out. They went through the story about Raquel slapping John after he asked her a question that she didn't like. Howard read through all of the questions that they had for her. Then they played the audio of John getting popped in the face by Raquel.
Howard told John that he should have popped her right back. He suggested that he pop her in those cheekbones or maybe in her chest to see those balloons pop.
After that segment we heard John talking about some of the other people who have popped him too. He talked about Morton Downey Jr. hitting him. Fred talked a little bit about that as well. Then they played the segment where Howard talked to John about the Morton Downey Jr. interview and fight. They went through the whole story about all of that. Howard also played the audio the interview that John tried to do with Morton. He was able to ask a few questions before Mort started smacking him around.
Morton got more and more worked up talking to John. He told him to get out of there but then one of the guys from the channel 9 show showed up and Morton changed his tune within seconds. He was really nice to him and the guy was trying to ''save'' Morton from John.
Howard said he had to take a break after playing some of that but John had a stutter that lasted a few seconds and he wasn't able to get the words out. After the edited out break Howard came back and played through the rest of the interview with Morton. John asked a few more questions and then Morton grabbed his tape recorder and smashed it. Then all hell breaks loose and everyone goes nuts. John said that Morton took a swing at him but he didn't hit him hard.
After that segment we heard one where Howard talked to John about his interview with Lou Reed. He got into a little fight during that one as well. Lou Reed grabbed his neck when he was asked something he didn't like.
Before going to commercial break they played John's interview with Katie Couric.
During the segment John and Ralph talked about their little fight. Ralph was sleeping, John woke him up, Ralph threw a shoe at John. Ralph said he was sick and John said he didn't know that and he was just messing with him and only woke him up.
John and Ralph went back and forth for a while talking about the fight. John kept saying that he didn't know he was sick. Ralph said that he wasn't going to apologize but he had calmed down after a few minutes.
We heard some more Stuttering John interviews after that segment. They had a segment where John talked about a prank he pulled on Scott the Engineer. John said that Scott was angry with him about something but he's not sure what exactly it is. He thought it was because of the way he's treated there.
The guys talked to Scott about getting his work done for John when he needs it. John said that Scott hates to do work and he'll freak out if he gives him stuff to do. This segment went on and on for a while.
After that we heard Robin talking about John and how aggravating he could be. She said that they could get him really irritated very easily too. She talked about some of the fights that she'd have with him and how she'd stop talking to him for months at a time. She said she always found it funny when she'd stop talking to him and he'd get really upset about it.
That led to a segment where Howard played some audio of Robin and John having an argument. Robin claimed that it wasn't for real but John said it was. They explained the whole thing to Howard. Howard tried to straighten John out about the way he was helping Robin out with answering the phones. That led to Howard talking to John about his stutter and had him trying to say some words that are tough for him to say. Howard played the audio of John and Robin arguing in the hall and wondered how they have time for that.
Up next was the John and AJ Benza fight from July 24, 2001: While Howard was taking phone calls and killing some time this morning Stuttering John was calling in as a listener and disguising his voice. He ended up goofing on AJ's failed TV show and it really pissed AJ off. AJ said he was going to go punch John out and John welcomed the threat. The next thing everyone knew AJ left the studio, ran out to John and smacked John across the face. Gary tried to get between them and he got hit also. It was all caught on tape and General Manager Tom Chiusano came down and told AJ to leave the station. He said there's no room for that in the work place and he told him to get out. AJ said no problem but Howard tried to discuss the whole thing first. Stuttering John was ready to kick his ass though. Howard told AJ that he needs some anger management classes or something. No one could believe that AJ would get that pissed over something so minor but AJ said that sometimes you just have to teach someone a lesson. He said he just smacked John with his left hand, not his right hand which is his strong hand. It doesn't matter to Tom though. He just has to leave now that Tom has come into it.
Howard said it was up to Stuttering John to make the decision of whether or not to have AJ thrown out of the station today. John said he has to go because he doesn't want something like that happening again. Gary said he doesn't think he wants the chance of that happening again either.
Donald Trump called in and told John that he should sue AJ and even Howard's show because the show's got the money. Trump said that John could make millions off of the suit and he'd never have to work again. Trump said his stuff and quickly hung up. He has a problem with AJ to begin with so he would be happy to see John sue him.
It was suggested that John be allowed to return a slap to AJ to make things even but there were conditions on AJ's end that people didn't want to deal with. Everyone was going nuts with the whole thing. Howard wanted to put the video clip on the web, Tom wanted AJ to leave, AJ was bleeding from KC grabbing him and tossing him out of the studio... it was a mess.
Gary was one of the people who thought that AJ shouldn't be allowed back on the show. He thinks that AJ is a ''loose cannon'' and could go off at any time. He didn't think that before today but now he does. Tom was saying that AJ may be allowed to come back tomorrow but it should be discussed with him first.
After taking a break Howard said that he's going to try and get the video either up on the web or on E! as soon as possible. Howard went on to discuss what should all come out of this. He and Robin discussed whether or not AJ should be allowed back on the show. Howard wanted to leave it all up to John and whether or not he's comfortable being around the guy. John says he knows he'll smack AJ if he is around so it might be a bad idea to let him back on the show. The fact that John was ''pushing AJ's buttons'' after making the phony calls also came up. Howard wasn't defending AJ's actions but he did say that John was pushing a little too far when he goofed on AJ's hair and called him an ''arrogant jerk''. The whole thing drove AJ over the edge and he smacked John. That was wrong of AJ to do but it happened. Howard tried and tried again to discuss the whole thing with John but John wanted to argue about it for some reason. He didn't want the responsibility of kicking AJ off the show. Howard finally made a decision not to allow AJ to come back on the show. John then thought that he was then the ''bad guy'' in the whole thing but that's not the way Howard was looking at it. He was looking at it as making it safe for everyone else on the show. He also said it's a message to every guest that comes on the show. You can't hit someone who works there. Howard wrapped up the whole AJ thing with his own little eulogy. He said that AJ is a great guy and a great guest but he wronged a friend of his so he's off the show.
Before going to a break they played another quick interview that John did with Raul Julia.
Make that 14+ hours long. The special was still running at about 8pm tonight, as I write this. I thought about keeping track of a little more this evening but realized I was out of my mind.
Up next we heard a few of the Howard TV guys and Stuttering John talking about John's interview with Marty Richards back in 1996. John talked about how the guy slapped him in the face when he asked him some questions.
They played the audio from that day, February 15, 1996. Here's what I wrote that day: Marty Richards is the man that held the Red Ball where Stuttering John did some interviews a couple of days ago. Mr. Richards smacked John in the head for no apparent reason other than the fact that he didn't want John there. Howard read an article about this ass wipe where Richards boasts about his immature actions. He also lied about the E! camera hitting him in the head. They have this all on video tape and it shows John did nothing to provoke this crap. Chevy Chase was also at the function and made more of an ass of himself than usual.
After that we heard Jackie and Howard talking about how clueless John was when he was out asking those questions he asked. Didn't they talk about that yesterday?
They played another segment where Howard was talking to Stuttering John about his winking at him and how strange that tick of his is. they talked about John's wife going with him to the interviews he does. John said that she helps out with identifying people for them when they go out. Here's more of what happened during that segment from my archives from February 27, 1996: Stuttering John was out again last night. His interviews get shorter and shorter every time he goes out. His 20 second interview with James Earl Jones was the first and there wasn't even any nasty questions! One was 'What did you get paid for saying 'This is CNN'? Not even offensive!
Next up was Mel Gibson. John says 'When you wore the kilt in 'Brave heart' did your testicles shrink?' Okay so that was offensive to Mel and he tried to get away from all of the reporters but a couple of metal ashtrays got in his way...you could hear him knock them over. He also asked 'When are you gonna stop that Lethal Weapon crap Mel?'
Ben Gazara was next. John asked a perfect question...'Who are you?' The guy handled it pretty good.
Next we have Nicolas Cage who's brother works at K-Rock where Howard works. John says 'Why do you ignore your brother?' What John didn't realize was that Mark was standing behind Nicolas and was trying to stop John from asking the questions.
Sir Andre Previn, Mia Farrow's ex-husband, went NUTS on John when he asked him 'Wh wh wh wh...Who are you' and 'Why is everybody so afraid to badmouth that cradle robber Woody Allen?' Andre responds- 'Oh get away from me, you and your jerky questions you bloody fool!'
Up next we heard a segment where John interviewed F Murray Abraham. The guy wasn't a fan of Howard's and ended up wiping a booger on John's back during the interview. Howard also played a quick interview with Katie Couric that John did. She didn't stick around long after John asked her if she thinks her husband would leave her if she got breast cancer.
Before going to break we heard a quick interview that John did with Keith Hernandez.
They played a segment where Howard talked about Leslie West goofing on John while he was on the show. Leslie was doing a Porky Pig impression while John was in the studio. Howard played the audio of Leslie doing that while they were talking to John about Nassau Community College. Leslie was really brutal with the Porky Pig impression. Leslie called in and did the Porky Pig thing some more.
Up next we heard Ralph talking about how John could dish it out but not take it at all. He said he had the thinnest skin. Gary brought up Stuttering Vic and how they brought him in to irritate John. They threatened to replace John with Vic and John took it really seriously. Gary said that it's hard to feel sorry for someone like John though. Steve Grillo talked about how scared John was of losing his job to another stutterer.
They went into a segment where Howard had Stuttering Vic come in for the first time. He welcomed him to the show and told him that he was going to be in the wings just in case John screws up and they have to replace him. Howard talked to Vic about his hairy arms and lack of stuttering. Gary told Howard that Vic has problems with W and M words.
Howard said he likes John a lot but he has Vic there just in case he screws up. Howard introduced John and Vic and told John that Vic is his motivation. John said that he doesn't need motivation though. John went out to interview Mr. Rogers but didn't bring Vic with him. Howard told him that he should bring Vic along with him from now on but John wasn't happy about that. They spent some time on that subject and John wasn't sounding too thrilled with any of what they were telling him.
John talked about how cruel Howard can be doing stuff like this to him. Robin didn't think that he was being bad by asking John to do his work.
After that segment we heard John and Jackie talking about some of their past experiences. After that we heard another segment where Howard came back from break and heard a Stuttering John song that sounded good to him. He found it hard to believe that it was actually his band. He had Fred get him the CD so he could hear the whole thing to see how John could have screwed it up.
John came in and talked about the band and how he was thinking of changing it from Stuttering John to something else so he can get it played on other stations without them knowing he's from the Stern Show. Gary said that some stations actually did give them a hard time about it being John's band.
Howard gave John some advice for doing his next video. He suggested talking to him first next time instead of sticking Gilbert Gottfried into the video and having him talk all over his song. That led to them talking about John appearing in Tony and Tina's Wedding. Howard didn't understand why anyone would want to see a play like that. John thought it was really entertaining though. Howard played some audio from the play and goofed on John about that a little bit. Jackie and John went off on each other a little bit during that bit too. There was one moment when John stuttered so the guys ended up goofing on that for a couple of minutes.
As they were going to break they played a quick interview that John did with Rosie Perez.
That led to a segment where Robin was talking about the big stock market drop. Howard and Fred started goofing on John when they heard that story in the news. John came in and told Howard that he really hadn't lost that much because he was mostly dealing in stuff that didn't drop off that much. They spent some time talking about stocks and the market.
John said that he was talking to Sal the Stockbroker about some stuff. That led to Gary saying he heard John calling Sal during the show. That led to Howard saying that he didn't want him talking to Sal at work and he should call him at home. That led to them getting into an argument for a short time.
Howard told John that he doesn't want him busy on the phone with the stock market at work. He didn't want him getting in the last word and told him to get out of the studio. He asked both of them to leave after that.
After that segment we heard Sal talking about the stock tips that he had given to John over the years. He said that he once gave him a tip where he ended up making $16,000 in 2 months and then John called him and said he was going to do him a favor and let him take him out to lunch. We heard from John saying that he was always trying to better his income so he could have a better life and he's not sure why that's so bad.
Robin said she once gave John $3,000 of her money to invest and hoped that it would come back at the same or more. She warned him not to lose it. She said that he actually made her some money but then one day she got a frantic call telling her to close the account because there was a problem. She told him not to bother her anymore after that.
Up next they played a segment where Howard talked about John telling him that he was going to be buying a Lexus. Part of that was going to be from his record deal money. Howard and Robin talked about how they're not sure how he does it but he must be like an idiot savant or something. He's managed to make a lot of money with his stocks and stuff and they were impressed.
John talked about how he made 30 grand on one stock trade. He said that it was a computer stock called Common. Gary said that he made some money on that stock but it was only $240. He has helped him out with other stocks in the past though so he has made some good money. Jackie had some investments that didn't work out so well for him. The guys spent a few minutes talking about all of the dealings that John is doing back in the office all day long.
After that segment we heard from Gary about the stocks that John helped him out with. He said it was like John was getting gifts from the fans but he brought around some very unsavory characters. Jackie talked about the stocks too and how shady some of the people were that he'd get introduced to. He told a story about one of those guys before they played another segment.
In the next segment replay Howard was talking to John about some money he had made in the stock market. John claimed it was about $10,000. They went through some theoretical situations with stocks. John told Howard about what he might have done with his Infinity stock and how he could have made some money. He said that he keeps track of all of the stuff he buys and sells so he knows what he's got at any time.
In another segment we heard Jackie talking about his dealings with John and the stock market. Howard said that Jackie was pissed at John for suggestion a stock that he ended up losing money on. He said he told the guy to sell at a certain price but the guy let it drop down to much lower than he wanted it to.
After that segment we heard from Brian Phelan who was talking about the kind of money John was making back then and how he thinks he made a fortune. He said he was rolling over houses and stuff like that toward the end of his run on the show. Doug Goodstein talked about the real estate thing and how well John made out on that. Ralph and Howard talked about John's hustling and how well he did at it.
After that we heard another segment where Howard talked about John and his history on the show. They were going over his time as an intern and talking about his record deal and stuff like that. They also talked about John's arrest for urinating in public and how he got out of that. Dominic Barbara called in to talk about that case and how he helped him get out of it.
We heard a quick interview that John did with Mayor Dinkens before they went to break.
We heard Robin talking about some of her favorite Stuttering John moments like once when he was chased down by Spike Lee.
They went into a segment of the Stern Show where Howard talked to John and Steve Grillo about going to Los Angeles. He also had some tape of John doing an interview with Spike Lee. John talked about the scene at the appearance he went to get the interview at. John and Grillo were both giving the details of their trip and getting into too much detail for Howard. They got roughed up by some people when they tried to interview Spike Lee. John only asked one question but Spike and his people got pissed and demanded that they hand the tape over to them.
After that segment we heard Steve Grillo talking about that day and what happened with the body guard who asked for the tape back. He talked about running away with it and how he ended up getting hit in the back of the head. John came on and said that he was glad it wasn't him.
Fred talked about another time that John got thrown up against a book shelf by Jeff Begosian one time. That led to them playing an old segment where Howard and the guys were talking about some of their favorite Stuttering John moments. They talked about some of John's interviews with people like Liz Smith and Charlton Heston. They also played some audio from those interviews.
After that segment we heard Jon Hein talking about Stuttering John's interviews and the way he delivered some of the questions. That led into a segment where Howard played some audio of John interviewing Tom Landry where almost every question was about his hat.
We heard from Robin after that and she was talking about the interview John did with Imelda Marcos. She said that it was one they did back when they were doing the WWOR (channel 9) TV show and she remembers the look on her face when John was asking her the questions. Will Murray also talked about how John had big balls to do stuff like he did.
That led into the audio of a segment where Howard played some audio of John doing interviews with some baseball stars like Don Mattingly and announcer Tony Kubick. They played through those and had some fun goofing around with those. Howard had one with Earl the Pearl Monroe that he played after those others.
They played an interview that John did with someone unidentified before they went to break.
That led into them playing a segment where Howard was talking to Gary about being late. He took the train in that morning instead of driving. Gary was going up to Boston so he didn't want to drive in. Howard told Gary that his wife should help out and drive him in. The two of them went back and forth on that subject for a short time. John came in and tried to get Gary going even more. Here's what I wrote back on November 30, 2001: Gary came in late this morning because he had to take the train in. Howard asked Gary if his wife needed the car or something. Gary said he's going up to Boston today and he's taking the train. Howard asked him why his wife didn't just drop him off and take the car home. Gary didn't understand why Howard was picking on him and ended up using the F-word on the air. He thinks that Howard was just twisting things around trying to make him miserable or something.
Howard told him to get out of the studio but he wanted to stay. Stuttering John was laughing with his evil laugh at Gary's situation. Gary has to work tonight and then he has to watch the kids on Saturday because his wife is doing something. She's selling some jewelry or something so she's ''working'' according to Gary.
At one point Howard said Gary was actually crying about the situation. Gary said he wasn't crying but he couldn't talk about this stuff anymore. Howard eventually apologized for goofing on him because he realized Gary wasn't mad at him, he was mad at his own life. Gary said he can't sleep late on Sunday because his wife won't be able to sleep in late Saturday morning. They have to do things equally with the kids.
Howard thinks Gary has given up a lot since he got married. He used to get tons of women and now he's stuck taking care of his kids. Howard was feeling bad for him and said he missed the old Gary.
After that segment we heard Fred talking about what a master manipulator John was. He's not sure if he's doing that over at the Tonight Show though. Jackie was also talking about the air time that John got by busting balls.
Gary was also talking about the lack of respect that Tom Chiusano had for Stuttering John over at K-Rock. They once bet on one hole of golf and Tom ended up losing to him.
After the talk up they played a clip from the show where Tom and John agreed to the one hole of golf. Here's what I wrote on September 10, 2003: Howard figured Tom must have been golfing yesterday after work so that's why he didn't check his e-mail. Tom said he hasn't played golf in over a month now. That led to the guys talking to Tom about how he's going on vacation to Italy soon. The guys continued to goof on Tom about that as well.
Then they brought up the golf game Tom had against Stuttering John. John ended up winning the game even though John sucks at golf. Tom said John broke a rule in the game so he shouldn't have won. He explained how John moved some grass from the ball when it was in the rough at one point. John said Tom told him he could put the ball on a tee if he wanted to. Tom said he did that after John had moved the grass already.
Howard said John was killing Tom because he beat him fair and square and he couldn't take it. Howard said he'd like to see them play a full 18 hole game instead of the short game they played where John beat Tom. John said he wouldn't want to play him again since he already beat him. John was rubbing it in even more when he talked about how bad Tom was that day. John was drunk and still beat him.
John was laughing his ass off as he described how he tortured Tom that day. Howard was also laughing his ass off when he heard some of the stuff John did to Tom that day. He said John is such a low life doing some of the stuff he did. He seemed to find it all pretty funny.
After that we heard John talking about how close he and Robin were for a while. He said she came to his wedding, they'd go out partying all the time and had some really great times together. That led to them playing a segment where Robin and John talked about their sexual tension. John said he would love to do it with Robin and said that they even kissed one time when they were in his car.
They interrupted that clip with Robin talking about how she had to kiss John to get him out of her car that day. She said that he wouldn't leave and she had to let him give her a peck to get rid of him. She didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal.
They got back into that clip where John and Robin talked about that kiss. They both explained it to Howard and John claimed that their tongue's touched. Robin denied that. John thought that it lasted 2 seconds but Robin said she was the one who pulled away and told John he was crazy.
After that we heard Jon Hein and Howard talking about the way John would stir things up by ratting people out on the air after hearing stuff about them in the back office.
That led into a clip of John talking about how he kind of came close to hearing Howard having sex with Beth. He was staying at Howard's house and heard them banging up in the room above the guest room. Here's what I wrote back on July 22, 2002:
John also told a story about staying at Howard's house out in the Hamptons and hearing Howard having sex with Beth in the room above his. He said the whole bed was shaking and he could hear moaning from Beth. John said he got aroused hearing it and had to have sex with his wife. John said it went on for quite a while too. John's description of the noise he heard was pretty funny too. He said it was like ''boom, boom, boom, boom, boom'' really fast for like 10 seconds at a time. Howard joked that it was just his nose hitting the wall.
Artie told a story about banging his girlfriend recently and how the cross necklace he wears got stuck in his chest hair while he was having sex with his girlfriend and she started laughing. He didn't know what she was laughing at so it was kind of disturbing to him.
John couldn't get over how long Howard was able to hold out with Beth so he actually brought it up after hearing it. John also said that Beth showed him her calendar (BethO.com) pictures which turned him on even more. He said he put those together with her moaning and it really got him going.
After that we heard Jon Hein talking about how much John could get under Gary's skin and how great the radio would be when he'd get him going. Fred said that he felt really bad for Gary after all of the stuff he had to go through with John. Gary came on and said that his life got infinitely better when Jackie and John left the show. He got more respect after they were gone. John said he loved to make Howard laugh so that's why he'd do that kind of stuff.
That led into a clip where John was busting Robin's balls about setting up a party and how her boyfriend Mr. X should help her out. He was also talking about the way Gary eats shrimp and M&Ms. Gary had to throw his candy at Jackie and John because they were making so much fun of him. John was goofing on the way he smokes and drinks from a straw.
After that bit we heard Gilbert Gottfried talking about working with John one time. He goofed on John about the way he was talking about famous chicks that he had hung out with. They went to break a short time after that.
That led into them playing a clip of Stuttering John going out to this ''Miracle House'' one time. Here's what I wrote on September 27, 2000:
Howard had Stuttering John out at a house in Perth Amboy, New Jersey where a family claims they have an image of the Virgin Mother in showing up in their window. John was outside of the place trying to figure out if he could go in this early in the morning. After a couple of minutes he walked in to the building and right to the apartment. After a little bit translating Spanish he was able to go right into the apartment. He was led to the window but wasn't able to see anything. No one around him spoke English and John's Spanish is kind of rusty so it was hard for him to communicate. He tried to see the Virgin Mother but it didn't happen. Then he found out he should be able to see it from outside. Gary said that he heard that this guy Ramone who lives there is supposed to be able to walk today because the image is going to cure him from a paralyzing accident he had last year. At one point this guy Vladimir called in and translated for John over the phone. It didn't help much because they found out nothing. John said that they had religious pictures hanging all over the house. Howard asked him if there were also pictures of the Easter bunny and Santa Claus along with all of the others. John just laughed.
After taking a break Howard came back and had John with a guy who claimed he could see the image. He described seeing a woman holding a baby and said he could see the face. The E! cameraman that was with John said he could also see it. John said he didn't see it though. People in the area get pissed when people say they don't see it. Some guy told John that he's afraid to see it.
John ran across a white guy on the street so he put him on the phone with Howard. Howard tried to find out what the big deal was. The guy started talking about why God would stick the Virgin Mother in a window. It was just a bunch of nonsense though. John eventually said he thought he saw what everyone was seeing but it looked like a man to him. One caller said it looked like an oil stain when he saw it.
John questioned a woman on the street about why she was there. She said she just wanted to see what it was but she wasn't seeing anything. Some guy was there telling everyone that they just don't have faith. By 6:50 John said that there were about 30 people standing there. John questioned a bunch of people and there weren't that many people who saw anything there.
At around 7:55 John was back on the phone. He said that there were a bunch of candles lit there and Howard was amazed that people kind of know what to do when they go to something like that. John put a couple of people on the phone with Howard but they were just rambling religious stuff to him. One woman got upset that Howard wasn't taking it seriously and just got off the phone. At one point an angry guy approached John so John said he'd put him on the phone. Then the phone went dead. Mike Gange came in and told Howard they weren't able to get John back on the phone. A short time later John got through on another phone. He said that the guy was the brother of a woman Howard had spoken to earlier. He came over and took the phone from John and proceeded to smash it on the ground. John said they followed him to his car to get his license plate number.. but his car didn't have one on it.
Howard had John go back in the house one more time before he left. John went in and described a bunch of people with their hands on the window praying. Howard told him to do the same thing. John went over and did it so Howard told him to start crying. John then pretended to cry like a little baby. He said everyone was staring at him so he started laughing and got the hell out of there.
After that segment we heard Artie talking about John and what a hustler he was. He said that he's not really a musician but he had an album, he's not a comedian but he went out on tour and he's a stutterer but an announcer on the Tonight Show. He said that he's a go getter and he makes things happen.
That led to them playing a clip where John almost puked on the air. Here's what I wrote on May 19, 2003:
Howard had John tell a story about how he was drinking a glass of orange juice and it ended up having brown stuff and maggots in it. John almost puked when he was telling the story. Howard told John that the maggots are born in feces. John said he drank about 3/4 of the glass before realizing it. He claims it came from a big company and it was one of those calcium enriched OJs.
Artie and Howard were goofing on John about how he was stuttering like wrestler Goldust as he was almost puking telling the story. Artie was doing an impression of John and goofing on the puking stutter. Howard asked John if he's going to sue over it. John said he's not going to sue because he doesn't know what his damages would be. Artie went off on him for a couple of minutes.
John was still gagging when he thought about the orange juice and how he almost drank down some maggots. Howard was laughing hysterically as Artie did his impression. Howard said he could use the tape of John almost puking as evidence in court. Howard would ask him a question about the OJ and John would still gag. John claims that the date on the orange juice was June 5th so it shouldn't have been bad. John said he told his wife to at least give Tropicana a call and try to get some free orange juice.
Stuttering John said when they were flying out to Ohio he tried to put the arm rest down between him and Artie but Artie is so big that he couldn't put it down. John also said that his daughter has been sick all week and had been drinking that same orange juice that he drank. He's thinking that she might be sick from the orange juice.
Bobo called in and said that it sounds like Artie and John are both out of control. He brought up the whip-its that John was doing. He said that it's going to give John brain damage. John said it's not that bad and it's not going to give him brain damage and it's not illegal to do it. They kept going back and forth between that and the maggots in John's orange juice. John was saying that he's not one of those people who can eat bugs... Like anyone there can. Artie was still making fun of John about the gagging. He didn't seem to think that John was really that sick over the whole thing. John said if he thought about it long enough, he would puke. By this time both Artie and Fred were goofing on John's gag.
Jessica Hahn called in and said she really did get sick and threw up just hearing about the maggots. Howard spent about 30 seconds talking to her and then took some more calls. Howard said he has to get to a lot of other stuff. Howard said he had a bunch of Gary Garver interviews to get to as well as a bunch of e-mail.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said he ran into Sarah Kozer from ''Joe Millionaire'' and she was upset with some stuff that Howard said about her. He claims that she said she wasn't air brushed for Playboy. Howard said ''Oh please...'' and Robin said that it must be some other woman then. Howard said even ''Joe Millionaire'' himself told Howard that those pictures didn't represent the ''real'' woman. Melrose also said he ran into Daniel Baldwin who bad mouthed Howard. Melrose said he didn't have a tape recorder to get it on tape though. From what they heard, it sounded like Daniel was just goofing around with Melrose though. Melrose also mentioned that tonight the E! show moves to 10pm. Howard spent a minute talking about that with him and how tonight's episode is the Miss Butta Face contest. Howard let Melrose get through all of his stuff before getting off the phone with him. He didn't hang up on him as he usually does.
A guy claiming to be a cop said that John's claims that doing whip-its is legal are untrue. He said using a product in a way that it's not supposed to be used is illegal. He claims that they've arrested people for doing that before and John could be arrested if he's caught doing it.
After that segment we heard Benjy talking about his date with Anna Nicole Smith. He said that the fight between he and John was set up to make him look good in front of Anna. He sadi it worked too. That led to them playing the audio from the show when Anna came in for a visit. Here's what I wrote that day:
Large model Anna Nicole Smith came in this morning to talk to Howard again about her E! TV show ''The Anna Nicole Smith Show.'' This segment is supposed to air this Sunday night on E! as an hour long special. She came in with her assistant Kim. Anna didn't sound too happy to be there. She was pissed that Howard called her fat. Howard went on to talk to Anna about how her lawyer, Howard K. Stern, is in love with her. Howard thinks that Howard K. is in love with her but Anna doesn't know it. Anna said she doesn't think he's in love with her though. Gary came in and pointed out how Howard K. is constantly around her and never leaves her side. Howard said no guy spends that much time with a woman if he's not in love with them.
Howard had a bunch of questions for Anna about her ex-husband but she didn't want to answer them. She said she didn't want to talk about him though. Howard kept asking questions and she kept saying that she's not going to talk about her husband. She didn't want to get upset.
Howard seems to think that Anna might be on some kind of drug or medication sometimes but she claims that it's just when she's tired that she sounds like that. She said when she sounds normal on the show it's when she's focused on that part of the show and she doesn't speak with her usual Southern Drawl.
Earlier in the show Howard and the rest of the guys all placed bets on how much Anna weighs. Howard needed Anna to get on the scale they have built into the floor in the studio. She wanted no part of that though. Howard said he'd give her $1000 of iWon.com money if she did it. Gary came in and said he'd add an extra $2000 and an Xbox for her son. Howard said the money would go toward her son's college education. Kim said he already had an Xbox though. Anna said she didn't want to be embarrassed and made fun of by Howard after being weighed. She was really pissed at him though and didn't want to do it. Howard talked about how Benjy weighed 220 pounds the last time she was in and she has to weigh at least 80 pounds more than him. Stuttering John came in and told her to just get on the scale. Benjy got pissed and yelled at John to just stop. He went crazy and threatened to fight John. They apparently had to hold Benjy back because he was serious. Howard kept telling Benjy to stop and sit down. Benjy is really in love with her because the last time she was on he got to make out with her in the bathroom. Benjy said that if Anna doesn't want to weigh in, she doesn't have to and he was sick of everyone pushing her.
Howard spent a little time talking to Anna about what happened between her and Benjy. She said she finds Benjy cute but she wasn't able to go out with him again because she was busy on the day that he was going to go visit her in L.A. Howard said he thinks that her lawyer, Howard K., C-blocked him and didn't want him getting her.
Howard learned that Anna's assistant was kind of hot for her too. She said she wouldn't mind having sex with her but Anna didn't seem to believe it. She just brushed it aside like she does with Howard K. Stern.
Howard got back to the weight issue and said that he guessed that she was 300 pounds while Robin guessed 287 pounds. Others were in that general range also. Anna later claimed that she weighs 230 pounds but most of the guys found that hard to believe.
They played an old interview that John did at a music awards show.
For those Stuttering John fans out on the West Coast, you can see him here tonight signing copies of his new movie ''National Lampoon Presents: One, Two, Many''
Tuesday April 15th at 7pm
Montebello Town Center Mall
2024 Montebello Town Center
Montebello, CA 90640
Hypnotist Paul McKenna came in this morning to try to hypnotize some of the members of the show. The only one that was hypnotizable was Fred. Ron said that he thought the whole thing was just silly and boring so he walked out of the room. The others who Paul tried out just didn't work. So it was up to Paul to put Fred under and make him do wacky things.
The first thing they had Fred think was that he was in a love triangle with Howard and Robin. Paul did his hocus pocus and brought him out by saying ''Eyes open, wide awake, wakie, wakie...'' as he's done many times in the past. Howard then went on to tell Fred that he was sleeping with Robin at the same time as he was. Fred told Howard that he has been seeing her since 1981 or so since they met. Howard said he was also sleeping with her and they argued about it for a couple of minutes.
Howard then had Paul put Fred under again. This time they had Fred take on the personality of Jackie. Paul told Fred that he would take on both physical and psychological characteristics of Jackie that he remembers. ''Eyes open, wide awake, wakie, wakie'' Paul said as he brought him out. Fred then went on to do an impression of Jackie that he's never done before. He wasn't as hyper as usual and he actually had discussions as if he was Jackie. Howard and Robin asked him why he left the show and stuff like that. Howard said he was even taking on the facial characteristics that Jackie has. ''Jackie'' said that now that he's not on the show he's going to go around and dust individual houses. Howard had him sing a little bit of his ''Pot Song'' but ''Jackie'' said he forgot the words because he's so old. Fred started laughing at himself sometimes.
Howard had Paul put him under again so they could try something else. They talked about it and settled on having him become Robin. Paul did his thing again and out he came as Robin. He took on the Robin accent and spoke to Howard for a short time. He got confused when he saw the real Robin so Howard told him it was a Robin impersonator.
Howard then had Paul make Fred become Howard. As soon as Fred came out of it he turned his back on Howard and looked at Robin. He tried to ignore Howard, who was supposed to be Fred, but he didn't have control of the microphone. He kept telling ''Fred'' to turn off his mike so he could have Robin do the news.
Howard took some phone calls and people told him it was a really funny bit. A few people don't believe in it but it really was funny. Ralph called in and said it was funny and suggested that Fred become Stuttering John. They did that quickly but there wasn't much material. It sounded like replays of a bunch of ''Best Of'' shows with the arguments they had.
Fred then became Gary for a short time. Once again, it sounded like old shows being replayed. Paul then turned Fred into a Martian. He spoke in babble that no one could understand. He was able to sing a little bit in English though. The only words you could understand were ''I can't believe I am what I am''. He said he has sex through his ear on Mars.
Next up was Crazy Cabbie. Fred became Cabbie for a short time and did a pretty good impression of him as they talked about his tattoos and stuff like that.
Howard was done with Fred so they took him out of the hypnosis. Fred said it was a great feeling and he really wasn't just ''acting''. He didn't have time to get into more detail.
Someone asked Paul if he ever hypnotizes celebrities. Paul said he actually does hypnotize some celebs. He said a few months ago he hypnotized Darryl Hannah so that she wouldn't have stage fright. He said it worked for her. He didn't mention any other celebrity names though. Even if you don't believe in the hypnosis thing, the segment was funny.
Some guy that was sending letters to Howard asking him to get him in to porno movies got a phony phone call from Howard recently. The guy came down to the studio even though he was told not to. Howard called the guy as a porno movie producer and asked him to do a bunch of really wacky stuff and the guy agreed to do things like have cement poured in to his butt and let it harden. The guy went along with the whole thing and Howard eventually let him in on the joke.
Howard came out of a break and played some music. He talked about Steve Grillo going out to a party the other night.
Ralph went out to the MTV Awards and ended up jumping up on stage during a Green Day performance. They ended up kicking him out of the event even though they had told them to punch it up a little bit. They've been bringing Ralph back in to do other shows ever since then. Howard said that Ralph had jumped up in front of the lead singer and then dived right off the stage.
Steve Grillo ended up hurting himself at the awards show. He was getting knocked around and hurt his shoulder. Howard wanted to see what a mosh pit looked like and wanted the guys to demonstrate it to him. John told Howard that Scott Baio had just showed up so Howard told him to kick him out since he was late. He was supposed to be there at 8:30 but it was 9:50 so he wasn't sure he wanted to do an interview.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard that Scott wanted to come in and say hello since he did get out of bed to come there this morning. Howard and Robin suggested getting Scott on the phone from the green room. Howard took the call a minute later.
Howard told Scott that he was on another station earlier this morning so he can't say that he just got up. Scott said he never said he just got up. He said that he came by to say hello but it was no big deal if he didn't want him in there. He said he saw Robin there yesterday and it was about 10:30. Robin said it was after 11.
Scott said that he had stuff that was booked and he didn't have any control over his itinerary. They weren't able to work things out. He just wanted to stop in and pay his respects to him today.
Howard told Scott that it would have been good if he had shown up earlier. He told Scott he could come in do a 5 minute interview. He wanted to hear why he only lasted a few seconds with Erin Moran in bed.
Scott came in but Howard told him he wants to go home at some point. Scott said that he didn't get booked on this show thanks to his people so he had to come over on his own. He said he had to do the Today Show earlier in the morning. Howard told him he should fire his publicist.
Howard got right into the Erin Moran story. He asked about banging her and how she's out there saying that he's like Quick Draw McGraw. Scott said he was at 16. He's still pretty fast and can't hold out for long. Howard said he still can't hold out either.
Scott talked about going out with Erin for a while and how strange things were. Howard said that Pam Anderson went out with him too but she doesn't talk about it. Scott said that she's a very nice girl but things didn't work out. He said that they were going out for about 4 years on and off.
Howard said that he figures Scott is worth about 7 million bucks. He talked about the shows he did and how well he must have been getting paid doing them. He did ''Happy Days,'' ''Joanie Loves Chachi'' and ''Charles In Charge'' so he must have made out. Scott said he did okay doing all of that stuff.
Scott talked about his new show and about how things are going with that. The guys asked him about Willie Ames and how they don't seem to get along. Scott said that he likes Willie but Willie has said some stuff about him.
Howard asked Scott about having Nicole Eggert. Scott didn't want to get into that but he was saying that his friends call ''Baywatch'' ''Baiowatch'' because he's had so many of the girls on that show. Howard asked him if he ever had Hasselhoff or if that was going too far. Scott just laughed.
Howard asked Scott about Nicolette Sheridan and if she was like a piece of ice. Scott said that he had that pretty right. Howard said that Pamela Anderson must be fun in bed. Scott didn't get to say much about her. He said that no matter how hot a chick is there are guys who are sick of them. He said that Lee Travino said something like that one time.
Howard said that he could see staying with a Nicole Eggert for about a year before breaking up with her. He asked Scott if he checks his girls for AIDS and stuff like that. He said he can't imagine the line up of chicks he must have. He asked Scott how many of the girls on Baywatch are 3 input girls. Scott said ''all of them.''
Scott talked about how he and Pam didn't really mix and their personalities were too different. Howard asked if she was ''upid-sta.'' Scott said that he didn't have a great reputation for being faithful and Pam didn't trust him even though he wasn't cheating on her.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard they had some women there to take their tops off but Howard told him to have them come back next week.
Howard asked Scott about this ''Diagnosis Murder'' series he's appearing in. He was working with Dick Van Dyke in that. Scott talked about some of the stories he's heard from Dick about women who wanted to date him back in the day.
Howard asked Scott about dating Heather Locklear. He also pointed out that Richie Sambora is with her now but he's going to dump her. Howard then read off the list of some of the women that Scott has been with and they were all very hot chicks. Howard said that even Heather Locklear gets old to Scott and he has to dump them for other chicks.
Howard figured that Scott had a big wienie and that he was blessed with that. Scott said he'd have to ask the ladies about that. Scott said that he was going to marry Pam Anderson but things just fell apart. Howard said that it must be great to break up with a hot chick like that. Scott said that she was the one who broke it off with him. Howard told Scott that he had exhausted him with that stuff. He had to go to break a short time later.
After the break Howard had Anson Williams from ''Happy Days'' on the phone. Anson is part of the Happy Days reunion show that's airing tonight. Howard asked Anson who will be on the show tonight and who has aged well. Anson told Howard that everyone will be there except for one of the Al's. Al Molinaro didn't show up but he's still alive. Anson wasn't sure why he didn't show up. Ron Howard showed up as did Henry Winkler. Howard and Anson talked about some of the history of the show. They talked about how Henry Winkler came off so cool as Fonzie but in real life, he's so soft and almost comes off as being gay. Anson said that he's really not fruity and he's not gay. The guys also talked about Scott Baio and how many hot chicks he need up being with after getting so famous after ''Happy Days.'' Erin Moran's name came up during that discussion and the guys had to remind Howard that Scott Baio dated her. Anson told Howard that Scott is still his hero because the guy is still getting the hot chicks and still looks good. Howard wondered if he would bring his hot chick girlfriends to the set when they were filming. Anson said Scott did bring Heather Locklear with him to the set.
Anson talked about how their fame came to them just about over night. He said they were fighting to get dates before the show but then the show went on the air and they had no problem getting chicks. Anson said he got all kinds of chicks after that and he did whatever he could to get them. Howard asked Anson about Erin Moran and how she's doing after going crazy a few years ago. Anson seems to think she's doing just fine. The guys spent a little more time talking about some of the other chicks that were on the show. The woman who played Pinkie Tuskadero was mentioned by Howard. Anson said that she was only on a couple of episodes but she was great. He said that she really was hot. Gary told Howard that she went nuts as well and was on her way to prison a couple of years ago. Howard said the most successful person seems to be Scott Baio because he gets so many chicks. The least successful was Pinkie Tuskadero.
Howard took some phone calls for Anson before he let him go. One guy asked Anson when he thinks the show actually jumped the shark. The delay ended up getting hit for some reason during that call so we never really heard Anson's answer. Another caller said that Anson has an attitude and he's a real douche bag. One caller said that he still watches old episodes of ''Happy Days'' every morning before he goes to work. Another guy asked Anson what happened to the character ''Chuck'' on the show. Anson said that both of the guys who played the part are back for the special.
Howard heard that Marion Ross was pretty cool and had some fun with the guys on the show. He thought that she had an affair with Henry Winkler but Anson said that's not true. He said she's really cool though and Howard should interview her. Howard also talked about how miserable Penny Marshall seems to be these days. Anson said that she's a great director though. Howard went on to ask Anson about the best night he ever had as far as chicks. Anson thought about it for a short time and told Howard that he dated the daughter of President Ford. He said it was kind of surreal to date her because he grew up a lower middle class kid. Then all of a sudden he's dating the President's daughter. He got to go to the White House and they had the Secret Service following them around when he went out with her. He only dated her for about 3 weeks.
Anson said that he went on to direct a lot of shows and then created a bunch of beauty products that a lot of stars use. The company is now a multi-million dollar company. The whole cast did pretty well while other show casts didn't have that much luck. Garry Marshall may have had the magic touch back then and he helped guide the cast and kept them straight while they were working on the show. A phone caller told Anson that he used to rub one out to Potsie and Ralph Malph when he watched the show. He said he's not gay and has a wife and a kid. Howard seemed to think that was pretty weird.
Howard gave Anson a plug for the special that's on tonight on ABC and let him off the phone. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about ''Happy Days'' and how it was on the air for like 8 years. Artie remembered watching it when he was a little kid. Gary said that there really weren't that many channels on the air back then and they had a lot of the country watching the same show, that's why it did so well back then. A phone caller told Howard that Tom was hitting the button during the Anson Williams interview. That led to Howard talking about how Tom has decided that farting too much on the air is no good and they don't want that anymore. Howard said that it's really time for him to get out of there because he can't even have people farting on the air. There has been no FCC ruling on the length of farts on the air so Tom is getting a little crazy with that stuff. He said that the company really should just release him from his contract so he move on and start to create something big somewhere else (Sirius). Gary said he gets notes about the stuff they censor out of the show and they'll describe why they did it and it'll say something like ''8:32 Fart, long and wet.'' They're also cutting out stuff from the show that has been approved by Tom. They changed their minds on some Michael Jackson stuff that they were playing on the air. Howard claims that Tom told him that things would change but they're obviously not going to. All of the companies are caving in to the FCC and they're not going to change.
Howard said he got a letter from a fan who won't be following him over to Sirius. The guy says that he likes the way they have to find creative ways to say certain things on the air. Howard said he believes in what he's doing with his show and this move will be good for the show. He knows that regular radio is going to attack him but he'll just have to take it as it comes. He's not going away. Howard spent a few more minutes talking about that stuff with the guys before he took a commercial break.
This woman called in this morning claiming that Kelly LeBrock, who was on E! last night, is not the real Kelly LeBrock! She was saying something about Kelly being an imposter hired by the CIA to work with, ex-husband, Steven Seagal. So this nut on the phone was talking about how she's actually Steven Seagal's wife. When Howard asked her if she had ever been institutionalized she said ''no comment''. She went on and on about this crap and almost had everyone convinced that she was telling the truth...yeah right. After that call there was another woman who called in. This one said that after being in a car accident, in which she was struck in the head by the air bag, she now has psychic abilities. She was talking about some of her predictions but none of them were accurate. In one murder case she helped the police out by giving a name of the killer. The only problem was that it wasn't the right murder! He had committed a murder but not the one that this woman predicted. Howard asked her if she could predict how his movie would do when it comes out. She said that he wouldn't be doing a movie...hmmm. She doesn't sound like a psychic to me! She also said that her young son holds up a cross to her face to ward off any evil that may be in her.
In the clip Howard was talking to Carly about her school girl outfit and how cute it was. He talked about some of the other hot outfits she's worn over the years. Carly shared a story about those sexy outfits she used to wear and how she just let some other people argue for her while she slipped away.
Howard talked about Carly's fear of being on stage and things like that. He thinks that the fear may be because she doesn't want to be the big star in the family. Carly claimed that it was because she was a stutterer when she was a kid and had a tough time in class when she'd have to speak.
Carly was talking about how attractive she finds Howard. She said that he's much more attractive than people would think he would be. Kind of a backhanded compliment there. She had asked about his book cover and the picture of him that was on the cover. Carly thought her feet were small so he whipped them out and showed her what his feet actually look like. Howard said that he got good hands and feet and the rest of him is hideous.
Howard said that he used to be ignored by women in the past because of his hideous looks but Carly said that it wasn't his looks, it had to be his personality. Howard said that it was his looks. He told Carly that she only married good looking men so she shouldn't be talking like that.
Howard gave Carly a plug for her new album and asked if she would perform for them. She said that she was going to perform but do it a capella style. Howard said he liked that idea.
Howard and Carly spent a few more minutes talking about various things before Gary came in and assured Carly that her CD had arrived.
Carly talked about her relationship with Jackie Onasis a little bit. She didn't seem to into talking about that stuff so Howard got her off that subject and eventually had Carly perform her song. She changed the lyrics to her song ''You've Got a Friend'' to be about the guy that Howard had saved from committing suicide. After that song Howard threw out some of her other hit songs and had her singing a little bit of those. Howard and Carly talked about her son and played some of her album before they wrapped up.
Howard has played songs on his show by this guy Johnny Rebel. The songs are very racist. Howard gave us a retrospective of Johnny's career and said that they were finally able to track him down. Johnny claims that he's not a racist but you wouldn't know it after hearing his songs. Johnny called in this morning to tell Howard why he's not a racist. He told Howard he has nothing against black people... but 2 seconds later he said he has a problem with their attitude because they think the white man still owes them something for the way they were treated when they were slaves. Johnny said he doesn't like that and he'd never let his daughter marry a black man. He said he doesn't believe in mixing the races... but he has many black friends who he'd do anything for.
Johnny told Howard that he wrote 10 ''Ni****'' songs back in the '60's and recorded a total of 12. He said it was a different time back then and he wouldn't think of writing anything like them these days. He's written ''F-You Osama bin Laden'' instead. Howard played a quick clip of that song for us and said you can get a copy of that at OfficialJohnnyRebel.com or IHateOsama.com.
Howard spent a few more minutes trying to find out where Johnny was coming from with all of those racist songs. Johnny said none of the songs about his wife running off with a ''ni****'' were true stories. They were just songs that he wrote. The words just came to him he says.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Johnny before wrapping up with him. He also spoke to him about what he does for a living down in Louisiana. Apparently he raises worms to make a living. Howard didn't seem to believe that Johnny isn't a racist. Howard and Artie were making a bunch of ''ni****'' jokes too so Johnny wasn't so sure that Howard wasn't a racist.
Howard first played the Judy Garland tapes that he's been talking about all week. Vinnie edited down the tapes to just the good parts. Apparently the tapes are from the time when she had lost her CBS show and she was divorced and living in England. Someone suggested that she voice her thoughts on tape so a book could be written about her life. Howard played a bunch of the clips and she just rambles in what sounds like a drunken rage. She complains about not knowing how to use the tape recorder and how it's a ''Nazi machine''. In another clip she wonders why she flies around in airplanes with a ''cast'' of people she couldn't care less about. She said she doesn't want to die with these people who sit around reading ''Readers Digest''. She also complains about her ex-husband Sid Luft and how he doesn't care about anyone except himself. The tapes were hilarious.
For some reason Vinnie thought that there were many similarities between Judy and Howard. Some of his examples included... both were divorced, both had kids, both were in their 40's, both battled CBS over money, both were mentally abused by their parents, both saw psychiatrists, both talk in a microphone, both like their wine, both can't play sports, both lost money in their divorce, both had daughters that wanted to be performers and while Judy hung out with gays, Howard hung out with Ralph.
Howard had to hold off on the lie detector test because Joan Rivers showed up.
Steven and Joe came in to plug a new book called ''Walk This Way'' that has a bunch of amazing stories about Steven's life in it. Howard asked Steven about a bunch of them so here's a quick summary of the bizarre things Steven was involved with:
Today's Mammary Lane special was over around 12:30pm.
Today was the big day for the big Rap Peace Summit. Howard had a bunch of Rappers from the East coast and the West coast. What Howard wanted to do was bring the Rap community together to work out their so called feud. Before the Rappers came in Howard gave himself and the other crew new Rap names. Gary became ''Toothio'', Robin became ''Run I.U.D.'', Jackie became ''2 Packs o' Beer'', Steve Grillo became ''Notorious B.A.L.D.'', Fred was still Fred and Howard became ''Tarzan''.
Howard did a lame song to start the summit off then he read a speech that he prepared. It was all a goof of course. Eventually they brought the Rappers into the studio and separated them into East, West and Neutral. Here are some of the Rappers who were there..please excuse any misspelled names: Boo Ya Tribe, Pebbley Poo, Luther Campbell, Kangle UTFO, Grand Master Caz, D-9, Chubb Rock, Grand Master Mellie Mel, Cool Urk and I'm sure I missed some.
Everyone had a different opinion on why 2 Pac and Notorious B.I.G. were killed and that's pretty much all they talked about for close to an hour.
This whole thing didn't really settle anything between the East and West coast Rappers but some of them don't think there is anything to settle. This guy Daz called in on the phone with his own opinion about the whole thing but he had something more interesting to say. He said that while doing a radio interview in Chicago yesterday Mancow called in and told them that he wanted to arrange a summit with the east and west coast Rappers!!! Gee, where did he get that idea from? Howard talked about doing this for over a week and now ManQueer decides to do one. So anyway the summit didn't seem to go exactly the way Howard would have wanted it to.
Howard was talking about Rick Dees and his wife and asked Gary to bring in some tapes for him to play. Gary came in and said they weren't ready yet because Scott wasn't able to get them done. Howard called Scott in there and ended up going off on both of them for not getting their work done.
Howard blamed Gary for not making this stuff happen. Gary said that it's not his fault if Scott won't do his job. Howard said he has to stay on top of that stuff though. He told him to do whatever he has to do to make things happen.
Robin said that she could probably make this all happen if she were the boss. Howard said that he's going to put it in her hands then. He gave her the responsibility to be in charge of both Gary and Scott. Howard washed his hands of both of them and admitted failure. He told Robin that she could fire them if she felt she had to. Gary came back in and told Howard that he didn't have to be fired because he was going to quit.
Howard told the E! cameras to keep an eye on all of that so they can see what Robin does. Robin said they can't do that because people will have her up on charges if they see what she does. She went over some of the stuff she wanted to do but Gary told her that she doesn't even know how to use her own bank card.
Howard told Gary that he's no longer his boss and Robin is in charge of him. She said she wanted to know what Gary does and wanted him to give her a list of the stuff he's in charge of there.
Gary told Howard that he went to Scott the day before and asked why things weren't done. Scott said he didn't know so he told him he really needed it done. He still didn't get it done for him. Howard told Gary that he needs to tell Scott he has to get it done and if he doesn't then he should go to Tom Chiusano and tell him to give Scott overtime to get it done.
Robin said that now she's going to be responsible for that tape instead of Gary and Scott. She's going to make sure that it makes it to Howard though. They continued to talk about that for a few minutes and Howard was claiming that no one fears him and that's a problem there. Gary said that everyone fears him though.
Howard called Scott in so he could tell him what was going on. He told Scott that he's not going to be a sap anymore and he was going to put someone else in charge of him. Scott ended up walking out of the studio.
Gary told Howard how things went down yesterday and how it really wasn't his fault. He said that it was Scott who failed to get his stuff done and left a tape out that wasn't supposed to be left out. Howard called Scott back in and went over some of the stuff that Gary was talking about. Scott came back in and tried to explain why he can't get everything done.
Howard introduced Scott to the new Robin who was going to be his boss. He said he knows that Robin is going to break Scott before he can break her. Gary and Scott ended up arguing about some of the tapes getting done so Robin jumped in and said that there won't be any of this arguing when she gets done with them. They're going to have to write everything down and check it off a list from now on. They went through all of that for a few more minutes and then wrapped it up.
Howard had Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his girlfriend, Gina, come in. The girlfriend's accent was very similar to Kenneth's. Howard said he didn't believe that she was really Ken's girlfriend but she said she had been banging him. The woman said that she was 39 years old and Ken said that she kind of has had sex with him. Then he started to stutter and didn't seem to have a straight answer.
Ken's girl showed her boobs and some tattoos she had. She said that she wasn't a stripper or anything. She said she works for the government. Howard said that she looks good and has a pretty good body for a 39 year old. He told her that she could shave a little better down below though.
Ken said that she was more of a friend than anything and they weren't really boyfriend and girlfriend. Howard asked if Ken was any good. Gina said that he was good. Ken said that he's not into her all that much because she talks like a guy. Howard told him that beggars can't be choosers.
Ken was saying that he might ''go fag'' because he can't get any chicks. He said he hasn't tried that yet though. He told Howard about how he met this chick and how they got mixed up together. Howard said he can't imagine what she must have been on to get mixed up with him. She said that she's slept with him straight and he's not that bad.
Ken's girl said that Ken hates the way she kisses so he actually stopped her from kissing him. Ken said that she jams her tongue down his throat and he wasn't into that. Howard told her that he'd make love to her no problem. Jackie said that she was really cute. they figured that she was the one who rejected Ken, not the other way around.
Howard said that Ken sent them a tape from a road trip they went on and Ken ends up taking a crap and puts it on the toilet seat. Then he takes it and puts a chocolate bar on the seat and ends up eating the chocolate bar. Fred played some vomiting sounds as Howard was describing that.
Howard said that Ken must be a good looking guy to get a chick like that but he just doesn't see it himself. He said that Ken looks kind of retarded to him.
Howard said that Ken ended up getting offered an appearance at a gig that Stuttering John was supposed to get. He said that Kenneth used to do all kinds of wacky stuff in the past. He said he went to a party one time and let some guys do some weird stuff to him.
Gina told Howard that she met Ken in a bar when he sent her a beer. He said that they didn't hook up right away. Ken asked her out on a date and they ended up going to a cafe. Ken said that he got her on the second date and he thinks that it was at her place. He didn't seem to remember all of the details though.
Howard said he can't believe that Gina wants to kiss Ken. He said that he eats candy bars off toilets. He didn't believe that they ever kissed and wanted them to do it right then. Ken said he didn't want to do that. Gina said that Ken gets wood right away when he kisses her, that's why he didn't want to do it. Ken eventually agreed to do it but said he didn't want to. He did it but he spit a few times as if he were grossed out by it. Fred wondered why he wouldn't like it. Robin said that he might be gay.
Ken said that he's not into the tongue thing with her. He said he might be into it with other chicks but not with her. Howard spent a couple more minutes with the two of them and then wrapped up. He asked to see what Gina had going on underneath her panties so she took her whole dress off and showed them what her body looked like. Howard said that everything was coming off of her.
Jackie said he was still trying to figure this whole thing out. He didn't get how Ken got a chick that good looking. They wrapped up a short time later.
Howard said that Gary had just told him that David Cassidy was there. He said that they spoke to him one other time but it was under strange circumstances. David came in a short time later. Howard told him he still looks good after all these years. He said he'd love to have a nose like David's. David told him he'd like to have his hair. Howard said that he could grow it out like his if he wanted but David said that it's not that full anymore.
Howard talked about Roseanne Barr's recent revelation about being molested as a child. He said that her parents must have had bad taste if they were molesting her. They spent a short time talking about Roseanne and her husband Tom.
David talked about hearing Howard going off on Johnny Carson on the show recently. That led to them talking about Jessica Hahn since Howard was on the phone with her that day that he was going off on Johnny.
Howard brought up the appearance David was going to be making at Club Bene. Howard figured that he must have made a lot of money doing ''The Partridge Family.'' David said that he made a little bit of money back then but it was a long time ago. He said that they didn't get paid the kind of money that they get paid now.
Howard asked David about his dealings with Marty Ingals because he was with Shirley Jones, his mother on the Partridge Family. David talked about that a little bit and said that he just wanted them to be happy together. He said that a lot of people thought that Shirley was really his mother but that wasn't true. David said that he's still close with Shirley and Marty and some of the other people from the show. Howard asked David if he had any sexual feelings toward Shirley. He said he didn't at all.
Howard talked to David about his comeback but David didn't want to call it that. Howard changed subjects and asked him about working with Susan Day. He wanted to know if he had ever banged her. David told him he has to wait for his book, which he's not even working on, to read about that kind of stuff. Howard told him that she admitted it when she was on the show. He was just kidding and trying to get some info out of him.
Howard told David he had a poster of him doing Shirley Jones. He asked Gary to bring it in since David had never seen it. He brought it in a short time later and Howard said he thought it was kind of funny.
Howard talked to David about Danny Bonaduce a little bit and went over some of the strange stuff he's been involved with.
Howard said that during the break Fred told him that he thought that David was coked out. David said he was insulted by that. Howard said he could confront him about that when he comes back in. Fred came back in a short time later. He explained that he didn't think that Howard was going to tell him what he said. Fred said he was probably wrong for bringing it up at all.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to David about Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) and how he got caught masturbating in a movie theater. Howard asked him if he secretly wished that Marty Ingals was the one who had gotten caught. That led to them talking about Marty a little bit more. They also talked about David's career and what he's been up to. David is making a comeback and trying to settle some stuff over his previous record deal.
Howard and Robin did some news with David sitting in. Robin went through a bunch of stories and then Howard took some phone calls. One woman tried talking to David but she had her radio turned up and thought Howard was talking over her. They wrapped up a short time later.
Howard took a call from this guy Dr. Virgilio Sanchez Orchega from the Miami UFO Center. He claims that down in Chili there have been some sightings of some strange creatures (Dr. Sanchez Orchega pronounced it cre-A-tures).
One of the strange creatures is a football shaped thing with four legs. Howard let the guy talk about these strange cre-A-tures for a few minutes before he started goofing on him. Howard thought that Dr. Sanchez Orchega said that these might be alien creatures but Dr. Sanchez said he never said that. He said that the people who found the creature thought that it might have some kind of powers to speak to them through ESP. One kid said he felt that the thing told him not to stare at it and to just walk away.
Howard spent a short time trying to find out why the guy is in this UFO center thing. The doctor said that he's now retired and this is his hobby. Howard seems to think that it's just a way for the 65 year old guy to get away from his wife of 30 years. Howard also pretended to be an alien voice himself. He spoke to the guy and goofed on him with that for a couple of minutes. Howard gave the guy a plug for his web site which is at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1341/index.html. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Comedian Darrell Hammond came in to talk to Howard about his work on the TV show Saturday Night Live. Howard and Darrell spent most of the interview talking about Darrell playing the part of Bill Clinton on Saturday Night Live. Darrell said that most of the people on SNL write their own material but he hasn't had any of his own stuff accepted in about 6 years. He said that Lorne Michaels keeps him around to do his characters. All of the other comedians on the show compete to get air time on the show each week while Darrell just waits around for them to write a bit for him. He said he'd like to be able to compete for air time but they don't give him that chance.
Darrell said he got the job on the show after sending in a tape of his stand-up act where he did just one line as Bill Clinton. Lorne Michaels called him in to show off his talent and he did a bunch of Phil Donohue bits in different languages. He demonstrated that for Howard and it was really funny.
Darrell also told Howard how he got to hang out with the real President Clinton when Clinton invited him over to write a bit that the two of them could do together for the press. He said Clinton likes to invade your personal space and touch you a lot and he gets away with it. He shared a few of the behind-the-scenes stories he had about Clinton.
Darrell did some of his other impressions for Howard including Jay Leno, Regis Philbin, Jesse Jackson and Barney Fife.
Howard changed subjects and asked Darrell about how he figured out that he was abused as a young child. Darrell said he repressed the thoughts as he grew up but after he had his own child he started to remember stuff that ended up breaking him apart from his parents. He said he didn't want his baby to see someone telling his wife to shut up and he told his parents that and it all started to come out that he was abused. He's now in therapy 2 days a week to straighten himself out. He didn't want to say too much about the type of abuse he suffered as a child. He did say that he's in therapy for abuse that could be considered criminal. He also said that his parents told him that if he or his sister saw people in their rooms at night, they were ghosts. He said his sister would scream at night saying that there were ghosts in her room and to this day she still believes they were ghosts. Darrell knows better than that and has tried talking to his sister but she's sticking to her story. He said he's having a nice life now but he just doesn't have any family to share it with. Howard thought it was pretty sad but Darrell said it really wasn't because he has a beautiful baby and a great job.
Howard ended the segment after about a half hour and said that Darrell will be appearing at Carolines Comedy Club in New York today through Sunday. Visit Carolines.com for more info.
In the clips we heard a couple of bits that they crated with Fred as Kurt. They also played the ''Guess who's The Jew'' game with him in each segment. In those bits they give a few celebrity names and the callers who play the game have to guess which one is the Jew. Here's one of the segments from June 4, 2003:
Howard had this guy James on the phone from before the break who didn't really want to play this game but Howard convinced him to hang in there. In ''Guess Who's the Jew'' Fred becomes Kurt Waldheim Jr. and puts on a German accent. He gives out a list of names of people who might be Jewish and the contestant has to try and guess which one is the correct answer. Howard had ''Kurt Waldheim Jr.'' come in and he immediately started talking about their upcoming guest Ian Spiegleman. He was also calling their contestant some names as well. He asked him a couple of questions but James was staying quiet just waiting to play the game. Howard had Kurt give out the names for the game. Here they are:
In the clip we heard Howard complaining about the way the people act down at the Dallas station when his ratings don't come through for him. He was going off on the people who ran the station and also on the audience.
Howard wanted to call the General Manager at the station so he could go off on her for getting upset with him about his ratings. He got a fax from her asking him how he was going to ''stop the bleeding.''
Howard eventually got a hold of Donna from the Dallas station and told her not to bother him with those faxes like she sent to him the day before. He and Donna went back and forth talking about that for a couple of minutes. Howard told her not to run news during the show and told her not to buy TV commercials and stuff. Howard said that this is the reason that women can't be in charge of running big companies like that. He said that she was in a big panic back when they first started and didn't have any advertisers. He told her to calm down and things would be okay. That ended up working out just fine.
Howard told Donna to go stand out in front of the station naked and he'd have his audience drive by so they could see her. That would get her great ratings. She wasn't going to do that though. Howard went back and forth with her for a few minutes.
Howard took some phone calls and seemed to be getting angrier the more he thought about the Dallas ratings. After taking a break Howard seemed to be even more pissed off. He said he was going to just play music and not talk after the break. He got upset with Jackie for putting up his plugs for him to read.
Howard told the audience that they had embarrassed him so he was going to punish them for that. He said he's been knocking his brains out for the audience and they don't reward them. He played the songs ''My Name is Cheech'' and started punishing them with that. Then he played some Kathie Lee Gifford music but said that it was too funny and not that punishing. He played the Spanish version of ''My Name is Cheech'' after that. They were all laughing as that played.
Howard played some John Tesh music and punished everyone with that awful stuff. Howard said that must be what John plays for Connie when he's going to the bathroom. Howard said he never follows through with his punishment of his kids and he was having a hard time punishing the audience. He let the song play but he was talking over it most of the time.
Howard gave up after a little while. He said he really should have kept his mouth shut and kept playing it. He played one of the John Tesh songs that he's played on the show before. He ended up singing along to the song that he was calling ''Conniechetta.'' He let that play for a while without saying anything. He said he had to hear it again and replayed it. He said that was enough punishment for the audience and ended it.
Howard played an audio clip from the Keith Olbermann show where he counts down the worst people in the country and included the head of the Parents Television Council and Rush Limbaugh. Howard played it because the Parents Television Council was mentioned in on of Robin's news stories. Howard also talked about the Rush Limbaugh mention because he's charging people to send stuff to soldiers over in Iraq. Howard listened to him talking about the way his ''adopt a soldier'' thing works and you hear Rush banging on his console quite a bit. Howard replayed the clip and Fred threw in some more console bangs using some sound effects. Howard figured it might be his ''gunt'' banging the console. Howard said he will be listening to the Keith Olbermann show from now on because the guy made some good points in that tape he had played.
In the first segment Howard and Robin, as Bob and Ray, were talking about Vietnam and they brought in a couple of guys from the Army to share some stories. Bob and Ray were asking the guys to bring back some souvenirs when they go over to Iraq to fight. They asked them to bring back Saddam Hussein's fingers and some other things like that.
In the second segment Howard brought in Bob and Ray again and they spent a few minutes talking about this Penthouse Pet they were bringing in. The Pet, Sandra Taylor (Sandi Korn), came in and tried spoiling the big saying there was no Bob and Ray in there. They spent a few minutes talking to Sandra about her ''tomahawk wound'' and her layout in the magazine. They talked to her about her dating people like Donald Trump too.
Bob and Ray talked about how they would take Sandra back to their hotel room and what they'd do to her there. They also asked her some questions about some stuff that was in the news and Sandra didn't know the answers. ''Bob'' said that was for the best and he prefers that his women aren't up on current events.
Bob and Ray spent a few more minutes with Sandra talking about her date with football player Jim Kelly the night before the Super Bowl.
In the next segment we heard Bob and Ray talking to Tom Chiusano. Howard had said that Tom was getting on him about how dirty they were the last time they did Bob and Ray so he got in touch with him on the phone and had Bob and Ray talking to him about how he shouldn't be telling them what to do.
Today's Mammary Lane show was over around 1:50pm.
The caller said he was in for an SEC violation so Howard and Robin asked him about that. The guy said that he was part of an insider trading thing and got busted. He told the guys about the jail he's in and it didn't sound all that bad. He said that they don't have good food or conjugal visits so that kind of sucks.
The guy filled Howard in on what jail time is like for him and how he ended up there. He told Howard that he made some prank calls last night and he wanted to play them for him today. Howard was calling the guy ''King of All Prisoners'' during the call.
King played the tape of the prank call he made to CNN. He threw in some Baba Booey references and things like that. Howard said that must give them a hobby there in prison. He told him he did okay for his first time out.
Howard asked King more about the jail and how things work in there. He let him go a short time later. The guy was lecturing a bit about some stuff so Howard cut him off and thanked him for the call.
Howard said that they should be getting into about 5 new markets in the next few weeks. He said the country is theirs for the taking.
Howard said he was dying from the heat in the studio this morning. He spent a short time talking about his eye problems and how he has some kind of rare thing going on with his eyes. He said that when he sleeps his eye opens up a very small amount so that ends up screwing up his eye.
Howard took some calls and talked to one guy who said that CNN was trying to say that Howard wasn't writing his own book. Howard said that CNN doesn't know what they're talking about and they should be reporting how Larry King didn't write his own book. They spent a couple of minutes on that. Howard said that he does have people assisting him because he can't go through his old material himself. He said he has to have them help him out so he can go back and write about some of the things that he's done in the past.
Howard talked about that report and how he has to pay a lot of people to help him out with the book. He said that CNN can't get him for anything like cheating on his wife so they have to go after him about something like this book thing. He said that he didn't send someone off to go write his book for him. He said that's slanderous and irresponsible. He said he should sue them over that. Robin said he wouldn't have much of a suit there.
Howard said that the sun don't shine over his head. He said that CNN should be doing some reports about Ted Turner and the way he treats his people.
Howard asked Gange why he didn't hook up with those girls. He said that he's got to work a lot there so he doesn't have the time to date. He said he can still pick up girls and figures he's a good looking guy. Howard wasn't so sure about that because his physique isn't all that great. He thought he had a nice ass but Howard asked to see it and told him that it had dimples on it. Jackie said that it was a disaster area back there.
Howard said that Gange is trying to become an actor but when he asked him to act out a scene he said he wasn't able to remember the script. He said he has trouble with the line thing. Robin said that his father has already paid for his education and he can't make him pay for the acting lessons too. He said that he's not going to help him out with that.
The guys goofed on Gange about that stuff for a couple of minutes. Howard said that he had some gossip on Gange and he might bring that out later today.
A caller told Howard that the show had been censored again so that led to Howard going off on Tom Chiusano for his trigger finger. He said that his goal is to get rid of Tom this year. He said he doesn't like him and he wants him gone. Tom came in and said that he likes Howard but Howard told him to get out and said he's going to ruin him like he's ruining him. He said they'll see who ruins who.
Howard and Tom went back and forth for a few minutes before Howard kicked him out. He said he doesn't want to argue with people at this point. He said he's very angry with him and he doesn't want to talk about it. He said he had to take a break a short time later but figured Tom would come in and say that he thinks he was just kidding earlier. He said he wasn't kidding though. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was talking to Stuttering John yesterday and he was saying that the interns should know that they should move on eventually. He said that John wasn't even able to keep a straight face while saying that though.
Howard said that Gary's hair looked really odd today. He said that his haircut was bad and he didn't do anything to help it after they goofed on it yesterday. Gary had put some gel in his hair but it didn't do anything to help.
Howard said he had this guy David Race on the phone and he used to be an intern there. Howard said that Dave didn't get along with Gary and Fred when he was there. Howard said he liked Dave but Fred and Gary apparently didn't. Robin said she got along with him too.
Dave said that Fred sat and tuned his guitar every time they'd ask him a question during his interview for the job. Howard said that Fred will get involved in stuff that he shouldn't even be involved with. He said he seems to like doing that but he jerks people around like that.
Gary said that Fred interviewed him for his job at WNBC and he asked him algebra questions and stuff like that. Howard said that Fred is a strange guy and he will do stuff like that.
Gary said he worked on a film in college that was about animals and Fred asked him if it was a bestiality film. Robin said that Fred told Gary that he had to get dressed up more when he meets Howard. Fred dresses down all the time but he was telling Gary to get a little more dressed up. That led to Gary wearing a grey pinstripe suit the day he went to meet with Howard.
Howard got back to Dave and talked to him about how cocky he seemed to be. Dave thought that he was better than most of the jocks there. Dave told them that he had more talent in his pinkie than Fred did in his whole body. Dave denied saying that but he said he was just 19 at the time and that may have had something to do with it.
Howard said that he had to tell Fred to calm down with some of that stuff he does because he can really throw some people off.
Howard said that Dave has decided to become a stand-up comic and he's out doing shows now. They talked about that with him for a short time.
Dave told the guys about some of the stuff he did on the show to screw with people. He said that he once poked a hole in the cup of that guy Froggy that used to be on the show. Howard said that guy was all messed up and the day he came in they were in practical joke mode and ended up poking a hole in his coffee cup and every time he'd drink it would dribble on him. He said that Dave brought in another cup for him and that one was leaking too. Gary said that Dave was at his desk in stitches and thought it was the funniest thing in the world that he had done that.
Dave said that the time he had to go out and buy gay magazines was the worst for him. He told some other stories about what he had done while he was there before Howard wrapped up with him.
Howard talked about how upset Fred can get when people make fun of him or goof on him. He said that he can dish it out but he can't take it.
Dave told some other stories about the things that went on when he was working there. Gary said that he used to drive him nuts with the stuff that he'd talk to him about when he was there. He said that he actually grabbed his arms one day and told him to leave him alone.
Howard took a call from another intern, Andy, and talked to him about the stuff he used to do there when he was working as an intern. Howard said he used to send him out for food at Roy Rogers and he'd never get the change back.
Howard talked about how Andy and Jackie didn't get along very well. He also talked about how Andy got him into trouble with Soupy Sales over at WNBC. Gary said that Andy had gone through a bunch of departments over there at NBC and they were his last stop. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he talked to Dominic Barbara about the Joey case and heard that Joey isn't going to be opening up for Dice Clay like they were saying he was going to. Dice claimed that he had a signed contract but Joey is claiming there never was one.
Howard said that they were being credited with causing the break up of Jerry Seinfeld and his girlfriend. Howard said he didn't want to take credit for that. He read the article about Seinfeld and his high school girlfriend. The mentioned Howard's name in the article and pointed out that he may have had something to do with the break up. Howard said that if Dice Clay was dating a 17 year old there would be people in an uproar. Seinfeld doesn't have that problem.
Howard talked about Clarence's new album and then got back to the discussions about Bruce. They spent a few minutes on that stuff. Clarence said that it was Bruce who broke up the band, it wasn't his wife who broke them up.
Howard found out that Clarence didn't get a piece of any of the albums that came out. He sounded a little surprised by that. Howard figured that Clarence was with his girlfriend down in Atlantic City but Clarence said that he was all alone. Howard let Clarence go after a few minutes.
Robin said that she remembers going out to eat with Billy one time and remembered Howard dancing with Billy. Howard talked about going to do shows at Club Bene down in Sayreville, New Jersey and how that was like going to Kansas for them. Howard talked about some of the wacky stuff they used to do at those Club Bene shows and said that they put way too much energy into those shows. Howard let Billy go after a few minutes.
Howard read an article by this guy Mark Jurkowyz. He ended up talking more about the guy's last name than he did about the article. He seemed to be amused by the last name. Jackie said he had a friend with that last name and he was goofed on every day of his life in school. He ended up changing his last name to Jay so he couldn't get goofed on anymore.
Howard talked about some journalists who have something against him and have tried to get him tied up in some drug changes and stuff like that. He said he doesn't even like taking aspirin and they were trying to get him tied up with some wacky drug charges. He said he had to pay a lawyer a lot of money to get him out of that whole thing. He said it's a good thing they work for some strong people.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was calling to give them Siobhan's phone number and to talk about John Tesh. Howard put him back on hold so he could give them Siobhan's number.
Howard said that Boston University had given up one of his pictures to the newspaper and he's not happy about that. He said that he doesn't want them sending him any more of that alumni crap anymore.
Howard talked to Gary about screwing up and not giving him the package that he was supposed to give him. He was supposed to give him the tapes he had to watch but failed to do it. Gary tried to defend himself but he wasn't having much luck.
Howard said that Gary didn't sweat this out that much and he must not be too worried when he screws up something like that. Gary said that he does worry about it. Robin said that he should have chewed someone out for not getting that package to Howard. Gary said that he did. Howard and Fred goofed on Gary for a few minutes before they wrapped up and went to commercial.
The caller told Howard that he cringes every time he goes to the bathroom. He said that he doesn't know what his brother was doing to his wife to deserve that. He said that he hasn't spoken to his brother since it happened. He said that his wife was from another country so Howard and Robin both went ''Ahhhhhh!'' as if that explained it all.
Howard asked the guy if his brother was big down there. The guy said ''Nah...'' to that. Howard said that it's amazing that the found the penis and he must have been well endowed for the cops to have been able to find his penis laying out in a field.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to the brother and then let him go. He told him to try and get him on the phone and call them back if he can do that.
Robin said that a penis is actually easier to reattach than a finger would be. She said that it has to be a clean cut though.
Howard mentioned that Janis Ian was going to be stopping in tomorrow. He ended up reading the lyrics from her song ''At Seventeen'' and talking about how depressing that song seems to be. He said he's curious to speak to her about that and about her being a lesbian. Howard said they're also doing a press conference for San Francisco tomorrow.
Robin got back to her news and read a few various stories but Howard ended up singing more of the Janis Ian song. Fred and Jackie got in on that too and made up their own lyrics. Robin read a story about the World Trade Center bombings. She also read a story about these pager guns that kids are bringing to school. That led to Howard making up some other weapons that kids could be bringing to school like hand grenade earrings and things like that.
Robin read a few more stories about a bunch of various things. She had more on the Dice Clay pay-per-view event that Joe Buttafuoco was supposed to host. She said that it didn't look like that was going to happen. Howard said that last name, Buttafuoco, reminds him of something else. He said it's like anal sex.
Howard did his Joey Buttafuoco impression and goofed on him for a short time during the news. He did a few minutes of made up stand-up comedy that Joey could do.
Howard told Dice that he's not the one accusing him of lying. There are people in the news who are saying that he's lying. Dice said that Joey might show up for the event but he's not sure. He said that his lawyers are the ones who are holding him back.
Dice spent a short time talking about why Joey should do the show. He said that he'd get cheered for once if he showed up to the show. Dice said that as far as he knows the show is still on with Joey. He knows that they're saying that he won't show up but he's hoping he does.
Howard played an audio clip of Joey's lawyer claiming that Dice needs Joey more than Joey needs Dice. Dice said that he doesn't care if there was a contract of not. He said that he's not the bad guy in the whole thing. Robin said she likes how they call Dice names in the news reports. Meanwhile Joey was the one who had a 16 year old girl shoot his wife in the head.
Howard and Dice talked about how both of them are the ones who are always called the sleaze bags while murderers and rapists aren't. They spent a few more minutes talking about that stuff before Howard let Dice go.
Robin got back to her news and went through a bunch of stories before wrapping up her news report. Howard talked about this magazine ''Hawk'' that had some really dirty pictures in it. He said that all of the girls were great looking too and he found it hard to believe that they were so willing to do that stuff. They ended it around 9:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).