|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how it was too early for him. He said he had an audio problem too. Howard asked Scott why he was only coming through one headphone. Scott tried to figure it out. Scott blamed Howard for hitting a button. Howard said he doesn't believe that. He told Scott to get over his weekend mode and get to work.
Howard said he must have dropped something on his console and it hit all four microphones cue buttons and that's what happened. Robin said that Howard does this a couple of times a year. Scott will blame him for something he didn't do. Howard said someone must have been messing with the board and Scott didn't notice it so he blamed him.
Howard said he was going to put a door on his bedroom. He said they didn't put one on when they remodeled and they gave him a $53,000 quote to put one in. He was thinking of doing it to keep the dog out of the room. He said he's going to keep hearing the dog snore instead. Howard said the opening is there so he's not sure why it's that much. Robin said they must be able to do it for less somewhere. Howard said he's just going to go door free.
Howard said he thinks that there are places where you can get a whole house for that kind of money. He said it must be the same people who make stuff for the space shuttle. He said he's heard about some of the prices they pay for that stuff.
Howard said maybe it's because of what he tweeted yesterday about how he was going to list 15 things he could have done to have a better internet broadcast. Howard said he had a guy writing to him about how he should be worried about what he can do on his own show. Howard said he's almost a beaten man on Twitter now. He said he doesn't like the negative comments. He said he only gets like one out of 100 negative comments. Robin said he can't let those 5 people rule the world. Howard said he blocks them but someone else always comes up.
Howard said this company drives him nuts. They'll spend 2 million bucks on a Paul McCartney concert and it's nice and all but it doesn't bring in any customers. Howard said he offered Charlie the chance to do a show on his channel. He said if they had given him a million bucks they probably could have had him. He said he could have gotten him on and that would have brought in subscribers. Howard said he'd rather hand it to him than Paul McCartney... even though he loves Paul. Howard said they wanted Charlie to do his show for free.
Howard said Charlie was offered money to do that internet broadcast. He said he's a little jumbled right now. He said he doesn't even care. Robin said she thinks that it was Howard's idea and someone else picked up on it.
Howard said they told him there that they didn't want him on his channels. They wanted to put him on some other channel. He said the same thing happened with Rosie O'Donnell. He said he's like the enemy around there. They won't pay anyone on his channel. Howard said they don't consult him at all.
Robin said that they could have just had him popping in and doing a show whenever he wanted. He said that he could answer just like he does on Twitter.
Howard said he learned that Charlie doesn't even Tweet his own stuff. He said he has a guy who Tweets for him and he was telling him to just go on for like 5 or 10 minutes. He said Charlie wasn't interested in doing that though.
Howard said he would have liked to have turned this into something for Sirius but he's the enemy all the time. He gets cock blocked all the time. Robin said she thinks that he's a visionary and they're not up to him. Howard said he just crawls into a shell and gives up. Robin said that's the way things go and they don't get it until 5 years after.
Howard said he had the audio of Charlie talking about him. He played that clip and Charlie was talking to the guy who Tweets for him in this clip. He said you eventually hear the audio but it's hard to hear at first. Charlie was talking to a guy on the phone but you can't hear him. Charlie then starts to go off on Howard but he's also complimenting him in a weird way. Robin pointed that out to Howard. She told Howard that he's saying that he's ugly but he's done a lot with that. Howard said that Charlie is a fucknut. He said he's 10 times more creative than Charlie is.
Howard said he wrote down 15 things that he could have done to make that show better. He said he should have had a press conference. He said that he could have had any press people come over to his house to interview him. He said he's going around and doing it for free but he could do other things.
Howard said he knows whores so he should be talking about that. Charlie went off on him for talking about anal but he knows about porn so he could talk about that. Howard said that he could have done a contest where he says he'll give $15,000 to the first whore to show up. He said his chick, Natty, looked so hot on that show. He could have done a fashion show. Howard said he could have had her take off clothing every 5 minutes. He ignored her.
Howard said Charlie could have done more with the camera. He could have played games like ''Find the Emmy'' or something like that. Howard said Charlie could have had a dance party and had the chicks dancing on camera. He said he could have played a Newlywed Game with the girls to find out what they know about him and what he knows about them. Howard said if Charlie had come there he would have had a producer helping with this stuff.
Howard said they could have taken phone calls. He said they could have set that up there for him. Howard said he could have taken them on a tour of his porno collection. Charlie could have had the girls take a lie detector test to find out if they really like him. Robin said Bree left so he was down to just one girl. Howard said the guy could have reinvented everything and done great. He said he could have had his celebrity friends there. He could have interviewed his housekeeper. Howard said he wishes they could have produced that show.
Howard said he's sure that they paid Charlie to do that show. Howard said Sirius wanted to get him to do it for free. He said the guy isn't going to do it for free. Robin said he's now talking to Mark Cuban about doing a TV show. Howard said they could have brought in so many listeners. He said that people want to see him having a nervous breakdown.
Howard said it could have been great but no one around there wants him to put him on his channel. He said he's not sure what he did wrong.
Howard played a clip from last night's Charlie Sheen show ''Sheen's Korner.'' In the clip he was talking to the guy who Tweets for him. The guy was telling Charlie not to give people too much and don't do an hour, keep some mystery. He was telling him not to over expose himself. The guy was giving him some advice about what he can do with the show. Charlie said that there's only one side to him and it's gnarly and all he's going to give people is the truth and it's not like what they're used to. Charlie said he's going to write his sermons and deliver them like ''truth torpedo's...'' Howard said he's good when he's talking to people like that.
Howard said he knows people who are tired of Charlie because he's so over exposed. Howard said the first show was a disaster. He said he lasted 10 or 15 minutes. He said he went and did something else after that. He said he went back to bed. Howard said he didn't have much more to give than 15 minutes.
Robin said she wanted to tell Howard about ''The Killer Inside Me'' which is on Showtime on demand. Howard said he was looking to see that. Robin said it's free on Showtime. She loved it.
Gary told Howard that one of the writers told him that Gilbert wanted to save his best stuff for his stand-up act. Howard said it drives him crazy that he didn't go out there and do that stuff.
Howard said there's a special out about this club called the Trubador. He said it's great because they talk about all of the great acts that performed there. Howard said it was kind of cool. He said that it was kind of a hole in the ground club but a lot of guys liked playing there like Elton John. Howard said Elton John is such a talent. He said he can't decide which is the better album of his. He said that one was ''Mad Man Across The Water'' or ''Tumbleweed Connection.'' they went back and forth talking about that and playing some of the songs off of those albums. Howard said the guy is such a talent. They played a few of his songs and argued about which of the albums was better.
Howard said he could never write this stuff. He said the guy is brilliant with his lyrics. Howard said he's not even sure what they mean. Robin said he didn't even write them, it was Bernie Taupin. Howard said the two of them are brilliant.
Gary gave Howard the first name which was Danny Devito. Howard said he'll guess 12,000 followers. Robin said it has to be more than that. Robin said it was a million. Howard stuck with 12,000. Gary said it was 1.27 million.
Gary said the next name was William Shatner. Howard said he's going to guess that it's 2 million. Robin said 48,000. Gary said it's 500,000. Robin said she follows him and it's always stuff about shows and priceline and stuff.
Howard said he went online and mentioned what he had coming up on today's show. He said he got slammed. Howard said everyone wrote him saying that he didn't have to do a commercial for the show. He wasn't doing it as a commercial. He said he was just thinking about what he was going to talk about on the show. He didn't want to do all of the Charlie Sheen stuff on Twitter.
Gary had Kathy Griffin next. Howard said he's going to guess 100,000. Robin said she'll be in the same range. Gary said it's 656,000. Howard said that's terrific.
Jon Favreau was next. Howard said he's not sure if that many people care. He's going to say 83,000 followers. Robin said a million. Gary said it's just shy of a million at 934,000.
Gary asked who has more, David Spade or Tracy Morgan. Robin and Howard said he's going to say that it's Spade. They were right. They were pretty close but Spade had more.
Gary gave them Nick Cannon. They guessed their numbers and came up short when Gary said that he's got 2.2 million.
Gary gave them Mariel Hemingway. Howard said he'll guess 700,000. Robin said 200,000. Gary said it's 429,000.
Gary said he had Juliana Ranchick. Howard said 43,000 followers and then bumped it to 120,000. Robin said that's a tough one. It turns out she has 2 million.
Gary said the next one was Penn Jillette. Robin follows him too. Howard said he got a personal message from Steve Martin. He said Steve wrote him and asked if he had a cold in his fingers after he said he wasn't tweeting because he had a cold. Howard got back to Penn and said he has a million. Robin said 56,000. It's 1.6 million.
John Daly was next. Howard went high and Robin went low. He had about 100,000 or so. Gary gave them Rainn Wilson from The Office. Howard said he's going to guess 300,000. Robin said a million. Gary said it was 2.2 million.
Gary said he had Roger Ebert too. Robin said he must have a couple million. Howard said he's going to say a million. Robin said 3 million. Gary said it's 367,000.
Howard said he thinks he's up to 400,000. He said it's growing every day. He said that a lot of people wonder why he doesn't have more. Howard said he just got on and he figured that was a lot. Howard said people say he's a loser for having so few when Charlie Sheen has so many. Howard said he must be losing and Charlie is winning.
Howard said they ill tell you who you're similar to on Twitter. He said that it doesn't make much sense though. He said it keeps him busy checking out all of that stuff but it's so weird.
Howard said something is off with this planet and things are just going to end. He said that it's got to be the end of days.
Robin said she just missed going to the ''I'm a Muslim Too'' rally. She said that she's not sure who would want to go to that.
Howard said that Charlie and Gary Busey kind of sound the same. He said that he might be the next Gary. Howard said Busey is the best. Howard said that Busey should go do an intervention with Sheen. Howard read an article form the NY Times where Bill Carter talks about how Tom Arnold was trying to do an intervention with him. Howard said that's the kind of guys Charlie should have on his show. Howard said he wishes that he could produce a show like that.
Howard said he wishes he could play some examples of this. His computer won't do it. Howard wondered if 2 people have even bought those ringtones. He said that he can't imagine anyone paying 3 bucks for that. He said he has to have zero customers. Gary told Fred that Jason just sent Fred the link. Fred tried to pull it up. Howard said he thought it was going to be Jackie's laugh as a ringtone. He said that would be funny.
Fred loaded up a page trying to get the clips but it was taking a while. Howard said Jackie used to drive him nuts with the stuff he would charge people for. He said no one else on the show was doing that stuff. He said that they'd write a book or something but everything was a business with Jackie.
Howard said Jackie would be right on the phone if someone called with a deal. He said he was always in business. Howard said that Jackie told him that he was going to make millions on the internet when it started getting popular. Howard said he told Jackie he'd make 40 dollars and a fool out of himself. Robin said that he probably though he was going to make a ton with that 922-WINE phone line.
Fred wasn't able to get the ringtones to work. Howard told him to give up. The Howard TV guys had it ready to go instead. Howard had them play that. It was just one of Jackie's jokes. Howard didn't get the joke. He said he can't imagine paying $2.99 for that. Howard said Jackie would say that it's a great thing.
Howard told the Howard TV guys to play another one. It was another joke off of one of Jackie's joke CDs and it was cut off at a strange spot. Howard said he loves it. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said he was getting into his photography hobby over the weekend and he learned that the better the camera you have, the better the pictures. He said that he's found out that it's more complicated than that though. He said he's learning about how to take a picture with someone against a window and have it come out right. He said you have to set the ISO and the white balance and all of that. He said you have to frame it right to. Then there's Photoshop where you can air brush and all of that. He said he's learning all of this stuff.
Howard said there's so much to learn in Photoshop alone that you could probably spend your whole life on that. He said the more you look into photography the more you learn about how complicated it is. Robin said she likes looking in a mirror and seeing how her room looks and someone told her that she has a photographer's eye. She said that the guy took the picture there and it ended up in the magazine he was shooting for.
Howard said he's been taking pictures of his dog and cats. He said the dog is always licking him when he tries to take a picture of her. He said that Walter the cat is a great subject. He said he took a shot of him and ended up using Photoshop to take out his eye boogers. Howard said he was so proud of himself after doing that.
Robin said she takes shots of her cats and put them on Twitter and people told her to get a better camera. Howard said they saw that picture and it was a really bad shot. Robin said it was a phone camera, what does he expect. Howard said he couldn't even tell which cat was which. He said that she could get a little bit of an upgrade from that phone camera.
Howard said he's walking around with his camera and the thing is huge. He said he has two lenses and he's popping them in so he looks like a photographer now. He said he can do it pretty quick too. Howard said he found a shot of Heidi Klum that he wanted to recreate with Beth. He said she agreed to pose for him.
Howard said he took one shot of a single leaf on a tree and said that this was going to be his statement on loneliness. Then he wondered what the fuck he was talking about. He said he might start shooting weddings and stuff. he's also going to work on his book ''Bunghole Buddies'' with Sal and Richard. He said he'll go on the web and sell the book that way. He said that he can imagine selling that book and having people put it on their coffee table. Howard said it would be art and not sex.
Yucko said the Wack Packers have gotten on Twitter so he wondered if they know how many they have. Howard was still goofing on him about his shitty phone. Howard said that's some phone he has. He said his wife must have taken the good one in the divorce. Yucko just laughed.
Yucko gave them Beetlejuice, High Pitch Eric and Eric the Midget. Howard said he think that Beet has the most. He said between Eric the Midget and High Pitch he'd have to say Eric the Midget. Yucko said that Eric the Midget has the most. Howard hung up on Yucko. He said he'd have him on the phone all day long if he had a good phone.
Howard told Gary to call him back and ask what kind of phone he has. Howard said that he saw Kathie Lee was out talking about Charlie Sheen on her show. He had some audio of her talking about that. Kathie Lee was going on and on about how people think he's successful. Howard said that everyone thinks he's a train wreck. Howard said he's not sure how Kathie Lee is still on the air.
Howard and Robin talked about how Kathie Lee is so happy in her life that she's drinking wine at 10 in the morning. Howard said no one is thinking that Charlie is having a good time. He said that the guy is losing his mind. We get it. She's master of the obvious. Howard said Kathie Lee is the best.
Lisa said the interview went off without a hitch. She said that Howard was a good sport about the technical problems. She thought his head was going to explode. Howard said he will never do that again. He said e he couldn't hear Jimmy or the audience. He said that they had to stop a bunch of times. He said it was almost impossible to do. He said Jimmy was great about promoting the app though.
Lisa said that they have an interview with Neil Strauss about his interview that he did with Howard. Lisa said he has to edit it to a 5,000 word article. Howard said he never did hear from the guy again. He said he was thinking that he would. Howard said he's a big fan of Rolling Stone magazine and he'd like to be involved in the writing process. Lisa said that Neil thinks he has some exclusives about what he'll be doing over the next 5 years. Howard said he was getting sick that day and he's not sure what he said. Howard said he was more worried about the illness than anything. Howard said he really has no idea what he told Neil. He said he's not sure if he even told him anything about what his plans were. Lisa said that it sounds like some kind of project he may have in the works. Howard said he could have changed his mind on that already. He said that maybe it's the gay coffee table book.
Lisa said that Neil was telling her about the interesting part of the interview where Howard talked about his time between marriages. She also said that Neil's girlfriend didn't break up with him after he revealed some stuff about her on the show. Howard said Beth was kind of freaked out by the stuff he told her about the stories Neil told on the show. Howard said the guy is a really nice guy and he couldn't get laid so he had to do something. Howard said that Neil wanted to experience women and that's why he went out and did what he did.
Lisa said that she didn't like the way Neil brought up the book she wanted to write with him. She thought he should have told the part about how she wanted to write it with him because she thinks that he's a great writer. Howard said he's not sure how this became all about Lisa.
Howard said that Neil talked about how his girlfriend was a bit dry when they're having sex. He said he heard that he was one of the best guests after revealing that.
Lisa said that Robin is going to be writing an article for the Huffington Post about her family history. Howard said he had no idea she was writing for them. Robin said she does that on occasion. Howard asked Robin what she knows about black history. Robin said she discovered some information about her grandfather and it was like he appeared out of nowhere in the census. She said that there was nothing before that. She said that's when she learned that you have to search property records to find out black history.
Howard said Gary had his father tell him the family history on video. He said he's thought about doing that but he would never do it. Robin said that's because his parents drummed it into him when he was growing up. That led to Howard doing his impression of his mom telling him the family history. Her father was from Austria and his father's father was from Germany. He said there's a bunch of other stuff in there but it's all confusing. Howard did his father's impression too. He had the two of them going back and forth about the family history. Howard said he's afraid of the world because of this stuff his mother told him.
Howard continued to tell stories in his mom and dad's voices. He had his dad yelling answers about the TV shows they watch on channel 88 and how they pulled the channel off the air. They pay extra just for that channel. They like watching Jerry Springer and things like that on channel 88. Howard said they have no idea what the channel name is. They only know it as 88. It might be the Game Show Network. They like to watch some show called ''Baggage'' and ''Family Feud'' too. Howard said they love game shows and that's what they do all day long. He said they also love this bed they have that moves like a hospital bed. He said they lay in bed watching the shows. He was doing his impressions talking about how they watch TV with their feet up and all of that.
Lisa said that Greg Fitzsimmons is on tonight and he has Andy Dick coming on his show. Howard thanked her for her update and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that this song has been played out a little too much. He said that it's a good song but there are others on the other albums that are great. Howard and Robin sang along to that one for a couple of seconds before Howard turned it off.
Howard said he had a new phony phone call to play. He said he also had a clip of an Australian news anchor with the hiccups. He played that first. The news anchor was trying to read her news reports but she would hiccup in the middle of a sentence. Howard said that accent is weird. He and Robin got some laughs out of the woman's hiccuping. Howard said it goes on and on. He said she doesn't get any breaks ether. She didn't get to play any sound bites or anything. Howard said her delivery was horrible to begin with. He let it play a little more and said it still goes on and on for another minute and 41 seconds. Howard said he'd give Robin one more hiccup.
Howard said he was listening to Bill Hicks. He said that the guy died way too young from cancer. He said he had a bit about Jay Leno that he must have recorded 15-20 years ago. He said that he did a rant about Jay taking a Fritos commercial and it was like the best rant he's ever heard. Gary said they might have it in the system. Howard played more of the hiccuping woman while the guys looked for that bit.
Gary told Howard they had the clip a few seconds later. Howard said Bill Hicks was so on the money with that Leno thing. He said he died way too young. He was only 33 years old. Howard said he loves this bit. He played the clip where Hicks was talking about what a train wreck the Tonight Show with Jay Leno is. Hicks was goofing on Leno about the Doritos commercial he took and said that he's going to eventually blow his brains out with a 9mm on the air.
Hicks was doing an impression of Leno interviewing Joey Lawrence. Bill says that Leno is a company man right until the bitter fucking end. He said that he'll blow his brains out and it'll produce a peacock on the wall behind him. Hicks talks about how Leno's words are like turds falling into his drink. He said this guy is a fucking whore and he didn't even need the money. Hicks said the guy is making like $3 million a year and he's selling Doritos now.
Howard said it's so true. He said the nice thing about being successful is that you don't have to grab every deal. He said that's why the Oprah deal kills him. He said that she took $50 million from them to do nothing there. He said that she has no energy to put in there. He said she could have turned that deal down. Howard said the same thing about Rush Limbaugh. He said he's got to be making like $60-70 million a hear. He said he sells EIB chairs to his audience. Howard said there's some hillbilly out there with a EIB chair behind his Formica desk.
Howard said Leno didn't have to take that Doritos commercial. Howard said he had a guy offer him a cigarette commercial in Japan and he turned that down. That's when he could have used the dough too. Robin said most major stars do commercials. Robin said they don't necessarily need the money. Howard said Leno liked doing that commercial.
Howard played more of Hicks talking about Leno and how he could picture him getting fucked in the ass by the Devil on the air during that commercial. Howard said it was shit Doritos he was doing the commercial for too. He didn't need to do that.
Howard said Jay finally responded to him. He said of course jay just brushed it all off. Howard had the audio of Jay talking about how he didn't steal anything from Howard. Jay said that there was a special back in 1984 where he did this Jaywalking bit. He said he did not invent that, Steve Allen did. Howard said that's not what he's talking about. Howard said he knows what Steve Allen did. He said that he's not saying that he came up with interviewing people on the street. He said that they came up with the Homeless game and that's what jay stole. Howard said Jay is so full of bullshit.
Howard said Jay stole Stuttering John from the show. He said that he doesn't even put him on the air anymore. He said he does like that he's paying John well out there. Howard said they had John doing the announcing on the show. They ended up having him doing it pre-recorded eventually. Howard said they fired John from that job and made him a writer. Howard said he told John to go off and have fun doing that show. Howard and Fred did their Stuttering John impressions for a short time.
Howard played more of the audio of Jay talking about how the man on the street interviews weren't Howard's ideas. Howard said that it was the homeless game thing that they came up with. Howard said that Jay is a ''mother fucking, rewriting history, son of a bitch.''
Jay goes on to say that it's terribly overblown. He was talking about how Conan was recently accused of stealing a bit from Jimmy Kimmel and that's just not what happened. They just had similar ideas.
Howard said he's got to be kidding. Howard said he used to do this show on Channel 9. He said he did that for 2 years and they developed this thing where he'd cut out the mouth of a celebrity picture and they'd use Billy West to do the mouth moving. Howard said they had Frank Smiley working for them at the time. He said Frank went to Conan and started doing that bit on Conan's show and it became his signature bit. Howard said people rip off stuff. That's what happens. He said that Jay is saying that he didn't take the bit but he did. He said he's a Doritos shilling asshole just like Bill Hicks said.
Howard played more of the Leno audio and Jay says that Howard can do whatever he wants and that's fine. He doesn't think he'll get any traction with his claims though. Howard said that Jay doesn't fight back anyway. He said he was on a couple of months ago for apologizing for stealing a bit from a blogger. Howard said he does steal stuff. He said he apologized to that guy but he won't apologize to him. Howard said if he did then he'd get over this.
Howard said Sal and Richard have a new prank call. He hasn't heard it yet so he's flying by the seat of his pants. In the call Sal and Richard call a wrestling show. Richard told the guys about some new wrestlers like Mike The Spooge Gobbler Morales. He told the guys that the guy sucks the other guy's cock until the other guy passes out. They hung up on Richard but the guy on the show sounded really thrown off by that one. He wasn't able to get out his thoughts. Then Sal called in and said that guy was an idiot. He asked what happened to the tag team Jon the Boy Toucher Hein and Gary the Sleeper Dell'Abate. He said that Hein would run into the audience and touch boys until the cops would come. The host was thrown off once again and said he thinks that the wrestling fans have lost their minds.
Howard said the guy really took it hard. Howard said he had another tape of Bobby Knight on ESPN saying chicken shit. He said he's not sure why people are so uptight about the word ''shit.'' He said 2 year olds know that word. Robin said that it's weird that they want you to get your knuckles rapped when you say that word in public.
Howard played the clip and Bobby says the chicken shit thing and the guys all freak out. They start blowing whistles on him and laughing like he just did something really funny. They laugh for a few minutes and then come back with a serious apology. Howard said he finds that funny when they do that.
Howard did his mother's impression again for a minute. He said that Kathy Griffin was on her way up there so they'll be talking to her soon.
Howard said he heard that Paula Abdul talking about how Michael Bolton was her baby sitter when she was a kid. Robin said that's odd to hear that a boy was a babysitter. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Kathy Griffin come in while he was blowing his nose. Howard said she looked glamorous. Robin said she got really skinny. Howard asked what she did to herself. He asked if she got a chemical peel. She said she hasn't done anything in years. Howard said there are pictures of her in the paper that look very airbrushed. Howard said they refuse to airbrush him but they'll do it for her. Kathy said she'll only use photographers who will do that for her. Howard said people are shocked when they see you in person for real. Kathy thanked him for that. She said that there are people who say she looks softer in person than she does in the paper.
Howard said that Kathy looks like a young Sarah Jessica Parker in the paper. Howard wished that people would do that for him.
Kathy is going to be in a play on Broadway called ''Kathy Griffin wants A Tony.'' Howard asked why she told Gary that they're not going to sell any tickets for her. Howard said that if she was doing Chuckles they'd buy tickets. He said he doesn't get why she thinks they won't buy them for her Broadway show. Kathy said he's right. She said she's doing 10 shows at the Belasko theater starting on the 11th. She said she had to warn the Broadway audience that she won't be talking about being molested or being bullimic or anything. She'll be talking about current events like the fact that Sarah Palin mentioned her recently. Howard actually had the audio of that. In the clip Sarah Palin said that Kathy can do anything that she wants and she would ask her to respect her kids and things like that. She told Kathy to pick on her and leave her kids alone.
Kathy said that Willow Palin called someone a faggot on her Facebook page so she was just saying that she would hear from her about that. She said that a 16 year old should know better than that.
Howard asked Kathy if she saw Charlie doing his show on the internet. She said she did and she likes that he's taking things so seriously now. She said she's not bored by it and he has his own network and planet. Howard asked Kathy what the outcome will be in this. He asked if he'll end up in rehab or end up dead. Kathy said she thinks that there are people who somehow life after taking tons of drugs. She said that Dennis Hopper and Mickey Rourke were able to do that. Kathy said that she'd like Charlie to bathe though. Just one bath. She said that the goddesses should be making that happen.
Howard asked Kathy if she would go over and fuck Charlie just for a publicity stunt. She said she wouldn't but she would like to see his house. She said that she imagines that he's a hoarder and he might have some feces in a room and maybe some kids they don't know about.
Howard said he thought Charlie could have been very successful if he had done more with that show. He said they could have played games and stuff with the girls and the guys who were there. Howard said they could have had a whore race or something like that too. Kathy said that he lives in a gated community and he lost two cars that were driven over a cliff. She said that it happened twice. It's very odd.
Howard said they asked Charlie about Kelly Preston being shot in the arm and he said that the gun fell out of his pocket. That was pretty weird too.
Howard asked Kathy if she's fucking the Old Spice guy, Isaiah Mustafa. Kathy said they've just been dating. Howard said he doesn't believe it. Kathy said that he was just there doing the roundtable show. She said that he's a superfan of Howard's too.
Kathy told Howard that she had broken up with a guy after dating him a while. She said she wasn't going to chase anyone so she was just going to see what happened. Howard asked about that relationship and if she would have married that guy. Kathy said she's not going to speak about the guy. She said that they dated for about 4 years and it was tough.
Kathy said she stopped chasing guys and figured that she was never going to have sex again. She said that Isaiah started asking her out and she went out with him. She told Howard that they started dating. Howard said that he doesn't believe that he's fucked her. She swore that he has had her penis inside of her many times. Howard said that he was shocked. Howard said she's on fire. He said her body is bangin'. Howard asked if she's menopausal. She said she is actually. She said that she's on the menopause hormone cream and her period came back. Howard asked if she has any kids. She doesn't. She doesn't want them either. Kathy said that Isaiah has a 10 year old daughter. She said they went out of their way not to be photographed together but they had taken some shots before they even started dating.
Kathy told Howard that it's nice to date and have a guy like that. She said he buys her dinner. Kathy told Howard that they went out a few times before they did anything sexually. Howard said he's a very handsome man. He asked Kathy if she ever worries that she's not good enough for him. She said that comes to mind. She said that people were vicious online. Howard said that he knows what it feels like. He said he gets that stuff from people all the time. He said it's not just people online either. He said they do it on news programs.
Howard asked Kathy what this guy is after. Kathy said he might actually like her because she's funny. She said that she hopes that he actually likes her for who she is. Howard asked if he wants to have an exclusive relationship with her. She said that she's not sure about that but they have had some discussions. Howard figured that he's going to go out and fuck other girls. She said that she's really enjoying the dating right now. Howard said he has that deep, romantic voice. Kathy said straight dudes get a little bit of a bromance going with him. Howard said he wasn't feeling that.
Howard asked Kathy if she's met the family. She said that she actually has. She said her own mom had a great reaction to him. She said that her assistant drove her mom home one day and her mom thought his name was Ishmail and thought that he was in a sleeper cell or something. She said she didn't need to hear that his name was Isaiah Mustafa.
Howard asked Kathy about what's going on with this guy. He said that she must have known that she wanted to have sex. She said she actually said she had it in her mind that she wasn't going to do it. She said that he courted her and took his time with her. Kathy said they worked into it.
Howard said he has the body of an Adonis. She said that he really does. Howard said that Kathy must be happy with her body now too. Kathy said she is. Howard said Beth is always thinking she's fat so she's always trying to cover up. Howard asked Kathy what they did that first time. She said they took a shower together the first time. She said that he gave her the once over in the shower. Howard said he's been in showers and he's not sure what to do. He sticks a bar of soap up the chick's ass. Kathy said that's an exit only for her. She's not into having soap in her vagina either. She said she cleans it in the shower with soap but she doesn't go crazy.
Howard said Robin has told him that she uses a bottle brush on her's. Howard asked what they did after the shower. Kathy said they toweled off and he put it inside of her. Howard asked if he gave it to her in all positions. She said he did. She said that she likes to make noise too. Howard asked if he's got the biggest penis that she's ever seen. She said she wasn't sure how to answer that because she didn't want to upset anyone from her past. She said that he's good to go though.
Howard told Kathy that she looks terrific. He asked if Isaiah asks her to call him the N-word in bed. She said he does not but he might laugh at that. Fred played a clip from the movie ''Storytelling'' where a black guy is telling a chick to say the N-word during sex.
Howard gave Kathy some plugs for her web site KathyGriffin.net. She's got that special coming up and she'll be on ''Glee'' on the 15th of this month.
Howard asked Kathy about how long she's been dating the Old Spice guy. She said that it's been a couple of months. Howard said he heard that she got back from a trip with Cher. They went to Hawaii. Kathy said she went to Vegas to see her closing night show on Super Bowl weekend. Kathy said that Cher is glad that she's got someone who is nice to her. She said that's all Cher wants for her.
Howard asked Kathy what's going on with Cher and Ron Zimmerman. Kathy said it's apparently and on and off again thing. She said she has never actually seen them together though. She said that she knows that Cher was very happy with him texting her and the sex was good but that's all she knows. She has no idea why they broke up if they broke up. Howard said Ron won't talk to him about it either.
Kathy talked about the time she's spent with Cher and what she does. She said that she can go 4 months without seeing her but it doesn't mean that they're not buds anymore.
Howard asked why Paris Hilton hangs with her if she knows that she's going to make fun of her. Kathy said that she gets it and she goes along with the joke. Howard said that Paris once asked to be moved away from him because she thinks that he's mean. He wondered why Kathy being mean is okay.
Kathy told Howard that her TV show ''Live on the D List'' is over. Howard said he never saw the show. Kathy told Howard that she wasn't able to do a lot of things on that show that she's doing now. She has some specials coming up on Bravo and that will happen 4 times a year.
Kathy asked Howard if his audience knows that he only hangs out with A-listers when he's in Hollywood. Howard said he tells his fans everything. He said that he went out to L.A. that time because his wife was going out there. He said that he told everyone who was on the guest list and he's not keeping any secrets. He said if he was mean to those people they wouldn't have shown up.
Kathy asked Howard if he has people who he can't talk to. Howard said that he can't say a thing to Kathie Lee or Frank Gifford. He said he saw them on a plane once and that was very uncomfortable. Howard said it's the same thing with Adam Sandler. Howard said that he didn't like some of his movies and now Adam doesn't like him. Howard said that Brooke Shields got mad at Kathy. Kathy said she's still mad at her for what she did. Howard said Kathy even talks about Cher. Howard said that he called her boyfriend ''bagel boy'' and she got upset with him even though everyone in the world was calling him that name. Howard said Sandler sat behind him on a plane once and neither of them said a word to the other.
Howard asked Kathy if she blew the Old Spice guy. She said she had gone too far with that already. Howard gave her some more plugs and asked what she weighs now. She said she doesn't even weigh herself anymore. She wasn't wearing underwear today and said that she has a landing strip down there. Howard asked if Isaiah went down on her. She wasn't saying. Howard said that it must look wild with her red hair against his black penis. Howard asked what she calls him. She said she calls him Isaiah. She said she doesn't say ''put it in me Old Spice guy.''
Howard gave Kathy some more plugs and spent a couple more minutes talking to Kathy about her dating. She told him that they ''sext'' each other. Howard said he's tried to do that with Beth but she's not into it. He said he's so verbal but she tells him to ''shhhh'' when he's talking dirty to her.
Howard congratulated Kathy on all of her shows. He said he's very proud of her. Kathy told Howard to come and see her show. Howard said he'll try to be there. He said he'll either be there on opening night or closing night.
Kathy told Howard that her mother hates him. Howard said that she should goof on her mom and come home with a black baby one day. She wondered where she would procure one. Howard said she can figure that out. He wrapped up with her a short time later and went to break.
Fred played Robin into her news with a song parody ''Whip Those Tits Out.'' Robin started her news talking about how a lot of comedians are going to be on Broadway this year. Dane Cook, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller, Chris Rock and others will be on stage. Kathy Griffin too of course. Robin said it seems that since Seinfeld and Jackie Mason did Broadway these others are giving it a try.
Robin read that Phil Collins is retiring. She said that he has said he's got health issues. Robin said that he thinks that people won't miss him anyway. He's suffered hearing loss and nerve damage among other things from his years of drumming. Howard said that sounds like an attention grabbing kind of thing to him.
Robin read about how Gary made the news over the weekend. Howard said that it was actually his show that made the news. Gary is trying to get on this parks and recreation board in his home town and it's turned into this nightmare. Howard said he knew it was going to be trouble and he told Gary that. Howard said some woman up there didn't want him on the board and now it's turned into a news story. Howard said Gary doesn't need to be doing this. Gary said he knows that. His wife tells him that every day. Gary said they've been involved in so many things in their home town without problems. Howard said he told Gary this was going to be an issue. Gary said he didn't know it was going to turn into this.
Gary said that Howard was on a board in his building once. Howard said he was but it was more complicated than Gary's thing. He said he can't talk about it on the air.
Robin said they were asking if Baba Booey should be barred from this board. Howard said they're saying that Howard stern is at war with Gary's community. He said that he doesn't care about this thing. He finds it hypocritical that this woman who is the daughter of some suffragette is trying to keep Gary off the board. Howard said all Gary said was that he'd help them out if they wanted him to. He said that they're just attacking him now.
Howard said he was recently offered a big network TV deal for big money. He said it would be easy and a slam dunk for him. He said he thought about doing it. At the last minute they came to him and said ''Oh, by the way...'' and told him that he'd have to be approved by the Oscar Nominating committee. Howard said as soon as he heard that he turned down the offer. He said that he was no longer interested when they mentioned that. Howard said that he doesn't need to do that. Gary asked if they let him walk away. Howard said he wanted nothing to do with it after they offered the deal. He said it was over as soon as they said he'd have to be approved. Howard said he's not going to let a bunch of suck ass mother fuckers judge him. He said he's not that hard up.
Howard said Gary is doing this thing for free. Gary said he has been voted in 8-1 and he has two more votes before he's in. Gary said he has a neighbor who lives a few doors down and apologized to him for what's been going on as he was out walking the dog the other day. The woman has never spoken to him before. Gary said that everything he's done before has been fine until now.
Gary said that he took Lucas out to play lacrosse the other day and a guy walked up to him and told him that he couldn't be at the place he was at because it was a religious organization. He said that the guy was just fucking with him but he totally bought into it. Howard told Gary to stop getting so involved. Howard said they're the ones who judge, not the rest of these people.
Gary said there have been people who have stood up for him in these meetings. He said that it's just a couple of people who are against it.
Howard said they brought up Gary's pitch again on Jimmy Kimmel's show. Gary said he was kind of upset about what Jimmy said the other day. He said that he's merciless with people and he's not sure why he said that. Gary said he must have really pissed him off somehow but he's not sure how. Gary said that it seems like he has an axe to grind but he's not sure what it's about. Fred played a bunch of Baba Booey song parodies during that segment.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read a story about Slumdog Millionaire and how the kids who were in the movie. She said that the little girl was in the movie and has gone back to Mumbai and she's lost her home again. Robin said there was a big fire in their shack and it burned down. They tried to salvage some pictures and things. Robin said that the girl never did escape those slums she was living in. She's lost her home two other times other than this time.
Robin read about Lady Gaga getting upset that an ice cream is being named ''Baba Gaga'' and it's being made from human milk. Lady Gaga is going to sue her.
Robin read about Lindsay Lohan and how the jewelry shop that she allegedly stole a necklace from has made $35,000 by selling the tape of the theft. Robin said that this has thrown a wrench into things for the case. Robin said that it could spell disaster for both sides. She explained that and then they had to take a break.
After the break, around 9:50am, Robin got back to her news and read about some art displays that were up at some art exhibit. They had some frat boys in one and all they had to do was act like frat boys by drinking and doing what they'd do at college.
Robin read some news about Muammar Gaddafi and some of the stuff that's been coming out in the news about him.
Howard read some email about the smartphone app. Someone wrote in about how great it is that it's out because he can listen in places he wasn't able to listen before.
Robin read more about the Gaddafi thing and what the Obama administration has been discussing about that situation. She had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard had to read another live commercial after a couple more stories.
Robin read some more news about President Obama and what some people are saying about him. There are people saying that they don't want him to serve a second term. She had some audio of one woman talking about that.
Howard asked what happened to the congresswoman who was shot in the head. Robin said they talked about her husband as he was getting ready to fly into space. Howard said he can't believe that guy went to space with his wife at home recovering. Robin said that she's recovering miraculously quickly according to what they're saying.
Robin said that Mike Huckabee is getting into some trouble for some things he's been saying lately about Obama. Robin read about some of the tings he said like the fact that Natalie Portman is pregnant out of wedlock. Howard said you just make sure you take care of your kid. Don't worry about that other stuff. Howard said when you're running for president you don't get involved in bullshit like that.
Robin read that Bree Olson left Charlie Sheen's compound. Howard said he heard she's back. Robin said that Bree may have made up with him. He apparently apologized to her and got her to come back. Robin read some quotes from Charlie where he apologized. She's not sure if Bree has gone back yet.
Robin had some audio of Charlie's first internet radio show ''Sheen's Korner.'' He revealed a new tattoo on his wrist that says ''Winning.'' Robin said he's calling this the ''Charlie Sheen movement.'' Robin said that he had his kids taken away from him last week. She was seen out with the kids the other day. Robin said that a radio station had an airplane fly over his house trying to get him to call into their show.
Robin said that a bunch of witches and warlocks have cast a spell on Charlie for calling himself a Warlock. They're upset about him mocking them. Howard said he might not be mocking them. Howard said he likes that make believe warlocks are upset about him being a make believe warlock. Robin said that Charlie Sheen has over 2 million followers as of this morning. Robin said that he's talking to Mark Cuban about doing a TV show.
Robin read about the annual NAACP Image Awards and how willow Smith won an award. Robin had some of her newest song. Howard said the song is disturbing. Howard said this is the most mature 9 year old he's ever seen and it's disturbing.
Robin read about a nude picture Chris Brown that got out on the web. Robin had some of his music that she had Howard play. Howard goofed on the song for a minute after playing it. Fred was playing a door slamming sound effect that was like the beat in the song.
Robin read a story about Gloria Allred getting involved in the Charlie Sheen case. Robin said that Gloria is saying that authorities should be getting involved after what his ex-wife was saying about him threatening her.
Robin had some audio from Saturday Night Live where they goofed on Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Robin had some audio of Miley Cyrus singing about not being perfect too. Howard said that was weird.
Robin read about the movie Rango being number one at the box office over the weekend. Robin said the new Red Riding Hood movie is coming out this weekend. Robin had some audio of Gary Oldman talking about working with Amanda Seyfried. Howard said that Amanda Seyfried is really good looking. Howard spent a minute goofing on Oldman's accent. He said it was a painful interview.
Robin read about ''Battle Los Angeles'' which is opening this weekend. Robin had some audio of one of the stars, Aaron Eckhart, talking about the movie. He had a lot of ''Uh'' in there so Howard goofed on him for that. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:20am.
Jon brought up the Jimmy Kimmel thing with Gary too. He asked Gary what's going on there. Gary said he may have thought they were more friendly than they actually are. He said that Jimmy told him about how merciless he can be and he really had no idea what he was talking about. He said he may have repeated something to Howard that he didn't like. He said he really doesn't know what it was though.
Benjy thought it was more of a comedic kind of thing and it wasn't a personal thing. He said he didn't think that the joke was set up unethically or anything.
Jon played a clip of Jimmy talking about Gary and how merciless he is. Gary said he's not sure what that's about. He said that he still thinks that Jimmy is a funny guy. He said he's not sure what to think about the whole thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it seems like anyone who is on the show has issues after they appear on the show. He said that Gary has those issues in his home town and they're so judgmental. Gary said he's not sure what the guy was saying. Jon said he thinks he was saying that Hoard's picture is now in Gary's story and Gary is just trying to volunteer. No one was sure what the guy's point was.
Jon said that it must be Gary's worst nightmare to have Howard's picture in his news story. Gary said Mary is really upset about the whole thing and she wonders if it's really worth it. Gary said that it's all in the local paper 7 of the last 15 days. He said that they're talking about it on the show all the time and it's just a big pain in the ass. Gary said he's not going to let this one lady run him out of town. Jason said you have to just run with it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said they wouldn't even be having the Kimmel conversation if Gary could just throw a ball. He said that Kimmel is just busting his balls. Gary asked if he could bust Jimmy's balls about Sarah Silverman every time he came in. The caller said that would be funny. Jason said he gets both standpoints on Gary and Jimmy's side.
Another caller said this kind of goes with the territory for Gary. Gary said he knows that. He said that he just wasn't expecting it from Jimmy so much. the caller said he was talking about the parks and recreation thing. Gary said he was thinking the same thing. He said that no one expected this with the parks and recreation thing.
Lisa said that Neil emailed her the sample chapter and it was about dating experiences. She said that on the first date you find out a lot about a guy. Gary and Jason said the first date is when a guy is trying to show off and they lie a lot. Jason said that it sounds like someone who isn't very familiar with dating.
Lisa said that Neil was a really nice guy and she thought he was a great writer. She said she doesn't remember if she paid him or not. She said that when he came in he was a different person than he was back when she met him.
Jason said that Lisa writing a dating advice book would be like him writing a diet book. Lisa said she used to date a lot. She said she had a lot of success at dating and a lot of nice boyfriends. She said she worked very hard and she's not the same person that she was. Lisa said that she's pretty much the same that she was back then. Neil has transformed. Jon asked what was different about him.
Jason kept throwing out little jabs at Lisa about her dating and not ever being married. She was shooting back with jokes about being bald and fat.
Jon asked Lisa what she was like back in the day. Lisa said she didn't have many deep relationships and all she knew was how to work. Lisa said she had to change and tried dating a bunch of people. She said she'd stop when she'd get a boyfriend. Gary said that she's back to what she said she didn't like about herself back then when she says that she's working a lot. Lisa said that she has a lot of things that bring her happiness now.
Shuli came in and made some jokes about how he's going to write a book about hair styles and High Pitch Mike is writing one about eating pussy. Lisa said that this was back in the 90s when Sex and the City was popular and that kind of book would have been big at the time.
Jon and the guys tried to figure out what character she would be like. They were goofing on her and she was thinking that she was like one of the characters. They had to take a break after that.
Jon asked Gary why Kathy thinks that Howard can't sell her Broadway tickets. Gary said he thinks that she thinks the Broadway crowd is a little bit high brow and that's not Howard's audience. Jason said it sounds like it's just her stand-up show but it's on Broadway now.
Jon said that the guys were thinking that the Old Spice guy dating thing as a publicity stunt. It sounds like it's really not. Gary said he met Isaiah when he was up there for Celebrity Superfan and he seemed like a really nice guy.
Jason said he's thinking that it might not be a publicity stunt for Kathy but it could be for Isaiah. He said that it can help keep you in the news. Gary said he thinks that he could snag a higher profile celebrity. Jason said he already has. Jason said he probably could find another one but this is working for him.
Benjy said that their dating could be helping both of their statuses. Gary said he kind of agrees with him on that. Gary said the one thing he can't figure out is who the real Kathy is. He said that she's tough to read.
Jon said they were talking about Paris Hilton and how Kathy sort of thinks that she's a joke but Paris seems to be okay with that. Jason said he thinks Paris doesn't know anything and she might not be as hot as she was in the press so she could be using Kathy too. He said she's a good person to know. Jon wondered if Kathy is off of the D list. Gary said he thinks that she is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ralph was talking bad about Gary at the photo shoot for Rolling Stone. Gary said that it's not really behind his back if he's on mic. He said Ralph knows he's being taped. Gary said he knows that Ralph goofs on him and he does it on camera or on mic and it's all in good fun.
Jon asked if Ralph was saying that they do Gary's voice together all the time they're together. the guy said that's what it was and it sounded like Ralph didn't even know the mic was on. Gary said either way it doesn't bother him. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about Charlie Sheen after Fred played another ''Winning'' clip that they had pulled. Howard said he was trying to listen to Charlie last night on his show. He said he's a little too manic now. Howard said he had a minute and 16 of the show and it was interesting but the rest of it wasn't so good.
Howard said he can tell that they'll get bored with it after a minute. Howard played the clip and Charlie was talking to a guy on the phone trying to wheel and deal. Robin said he's been fired so he has time to do that now. Howard said that Charlie has a good point about them firing him on a morality clause. Howard said that they're apparently firing him over a loop hole that says he can't be charged with a felony. He hasn't been charged with one. He said that there were no charges or anything so they can't do that. Howard said they just don't want to pay the guy. Howard said CBS has put up with him for a long time and they never questioned him about his behavior. He said he's been accused of abusing women and all of that and they just let it pass until now. Howard said they could probably point to 10 million other celebrities who are doing the same thing.
Howard said if he's Charlie Sheen he's saying that he's always shown up for work and he's always done his job. He said it's a very odd dismissal. Robin said all CBS cares about is not paying the guy. Howard said that's like what CBS did to him. He said that they tried to sue him. Howard said they had lawyers sitting around doing nothing so they sued him.
Howard said not paying someone is interesting. He said it goes on all the time. Howard said that someone is always going to try and fuck you out of money. Howard said it's not just in Hollywood. It happens in regular life too.
Howard and Robin talked about how Charlie has been doing this stuff for years and CBS used to reward him for that. he's gotten raises from them.
Howard said Charlie is going to get a good fucking in the ass from CBS. He said that he sounds whacked out of his skull but he was making some sense the other day when he called into the show. Howard said now he's on the phone talking to people trying to make deals. Howard said Charlie reminds him of Gary Busey. He said he has this ranting, self important, narcissistic thing he does. He said Sam Kinison used to do that too. He said that he would be drained after spending 2 hours with Sam. He said that he was always ranting after doing coke and stuff. He would do some crazy stuff but it was really interesting to watch.
Howard said this clip he has is pretty interesting to him. It gets less interesting as it goes on. He played the clip and Charlie was talking to this guy about an internship thing they were setting up. They were talking about some other deals they were working on and Charlie seems to think that it's not enough money. He said they're still getting ripped off.
Howard said that was mildly interesting but it goes on and it isn't so interesting. Howard said he still thinks that he could have a good radio show there. He said he's not sure if he's reachable.
Howard played another clip where one of Charlie's guys tells him how great his Ustream show is. Charlie agrees and says it was brilliant. He went on with that guy for a short time just rambling. He was saying that everyone should be listening to him because his plan is the best and they're going to win, win, win. Charlie said that it's no longer ''Winner, winner chicken dinner.'' It's ''Winner, winner, Sheen dinner.''
Howard said that clip was better than he thought. Robin agreed. Howard played another clip where Charlie talked about a book he wrote and how it was 20 years ahead of its time. He said everyone is behind and now they're going to have to catch up. He kept using his ''Winning!'' phrase in that clip. Howard said he's not sure if he's still into the show or bored by it. He said he was enjoying it and liking it so he must be enjoying it.
Howard said he had one more to play. Robin told him to go for it. Howard played the clip and Charlie was talking to that guy on the phone and they were talking about a dog and Charlie was rambling again about what this dog was going to do. Howard and Robin both said it was starting to get boring around that time. They gave up.
Howard said that even FOX had to rein him in a little bit when he started going off on the President so much. Robin said they don't like it when you're too much on one side.
Howard said he's thinking about switching his computers to Apple. He said that he doesn't think he's a Windows guy anymore. Robin said that's going to be great for Apple. Howard said he was working with a Mac Pro yesterday. He said he has to learn something new but he's sick and tired of his equipment being fucked up and not working. He said he may get a few desktops and a few laptops and work that way. He said things just don't work well. Howard said they use a different mouse and mouse pad so he has to get used to that. He's been using the mouse nipped in the middle of the keyboard for 20 plus years.
Fred said he uses both. He said he uses the Apple for videos and photos. He uses the PC for the work he does there at work. He said he uses that for Lotus Notes. Howard said he tried it with Lotus Notes and it worked fine.
Howard said he saw a picture of Fred's daughter and the picture was really great and the kid is really cute. Howard said he thinks they should DNA test her. He said that it may not be Fred's kid.
Howard said he was checking out a bunch of pictures of Fred and his family. He said his daughter is really photogenic.
Howard said that he read the Android phone is the best selling phone now. They sell more than the iPhone. Howard said the paper had some great stories in it. He said they had some really good stuff. He said he likes that.
Howard said some dude is releasing a book about the revolution in Egypt and he's using the Tweets that people were putting out there. He said that's kind of crazy.
Howard said the Hollywood Reporter is really good too. He just started getting that. He read a story about Mike Deluca who was the head of Newline Cinema. He said he had a falling out and they follow his rise and fall and rise again. Howard said he dealt with him with his movie deal too. Howard said that story was really interesting too.
Howard said the best article is in Rolling Stone with Snooki on the cover. They have the excerpt from Sammy Hagar's book (Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock) and it looks great. He said he'd love to get a copy of that. Gary said they have a copy but Will is using it for research. Howard said he wants that book. Gary said Will just said he'd have it by the end of the day. Howard said he wants Will sitting in Gary's seat. He said that he is a yes man and he's going to get him that book by the end of the day. Howard told Gary to put Will in that seat. Gary told him ''Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you'' in the middle of that rant. Howard told Will to fire Gary.
Howard said Gary is always talking about how he can't get something done but Will says that he'll get it done. Gary said all he said is that they only sent one copy. Howard said that Gary should ask them to send over another copy. Meanwhile Will tells him that he'll have it by the end of the day.
Howard and Gary went back and forth arguing about that for a short time. Howard was goofing on Gary and Gary was just telling Howard that he just told him they only got one copy. Howard said the only thing he's saying is that Will said yes and Gary wasn't sure if he could get him that book. Howard said Will doesn't play solitaire or fall asleep at work. He said he's getting his work done.
Howard said the Sammy Hagar thing was great. He said he talks about what it was like hanging out with Eddie Van Halen and his home life and how he wasn't able to play his own songs on tour at times.
Howard said he got a note from Doug who runs his web site. He said that he was looking up people that follow Howard. He said he found that Ellen follows JD, Ralph and Bubba of all people. Howard said that Doug said that she may have some kind of automated follow process that just picks the people to follow. Howard said Doug was wondering if she would follow Howard if he followed her. JD said that this Ellen thing follows 48,000 people so it has to be automated.
Howard said he went over to do the Jon Stewart show and Scott's wife wasn't there. He said that it was really weird over there. Scott said that he told her not to bother Howard over there. Howard said he was there and they have a room there that the staff hangs out in. Howard said the people there seem to be like kids. He said they even had dogs there in the offices.
Howard said he walked by and said hello to everyone. He said none of them cracked a smile and they just stood there quietly. He said he asked the dog's name and one guy mumbled its name. He said he felt like he was in high school again and all of the cool kids were hanging around. Scott said the rule in TV is not to address the celebrities. Scott said they're friendly over there and they may have been intimidated. Howard said the girls that greet you are very friendly. He said some of them worked there before. Howard said he didn't feel loved over there.
Scott mentioned that his son got injured playing that game. He said that he tripped and hurt himself. He said he had to finish the game with his ankle in the air. Howard said that's weird. Howard told Scott maybe he should just tell him to get in his pajamas or you're in trouble. Scott said that's usually the way he does things. Howard told him to threaten him with a newspaper like he does with the dog.
Howard read some of Ronnie's Tweets and he was talking about hanging with Mike Gange at Rick's. He also talked about getting sick and catching the boss's cold.
Howard said the interesting one was where Ronnie wrote ''Went 2 hospital last nite 2 visit my hot daughter in law and check out the hot nurses put on fresh mambo now heading 2 work.'' Howard said you're supposed to pretend that you're not attracted to your daughter in law.
Howard said that there are people saying that they might have too many people on there. He said that they're all representing the show too. Howard said that he's kind of burnt out on that whole Twitter thing. He said he hasn't been on there for a few days. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and checked out the new song for a few seconds and then had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Robin said she realized she missed a call from Steve over the weekend. Steve said they wanted to talk to her about her Huffington Post article.
Steve said that Gary is going in for another grilling tonight in his home town. He said they'll be there to provide full coverage.
Steve said that they've also spoken to Jackie the Joke Man about his 10th anniversary of leaving the show and Jackie is now saying that he's sorry for the whole thing. He said that Jackie was falling apart at the time and it was just a bad decision. Howard said that
Steve said that they also have a Bravery in Radio Award that Howard just won from William Patterson University. Howard said he heard something about that from his agent. Howard said he never wrote him back about it. He said he was going to call him and never did. He said that he doesn't know much about this award. Steve said that the first two winners were Les Paul and cousin Brucie. Howard said Les Paul invented a guitar or something. Howard wondered how Cousin Brucie was brave. Fred said it was wearing that hair piece. Howard said that shows that he's cowardly.
Howard goofed on Cousin Brucie for a minute and said he doesn't get that at all. He said that the guy wasn't brave. Howard said no one else deserves that award other than him. Maybe Charlie Sheen.
Howard said he has all kinds of awards in his office and he does kind of dig some of them. He said that he has a Telly Award in there. He said that someone saw the award and he told them that it was really irrelevant. Howard said he has his Blockbuster award and it was really nice but it broke. He said that kind of bummed him out. Howard said he won that for his acting with ''Best Newcomer.'' He said that part of it broke off and he was trying to find someone to redo it. Howard said he thinks that the award is gone now anyway. Howard said that Heather Locklear presented it to him. He said he was a big deal that night. He used to throw the awards in storage but now he puts them on display.
Howard said he has a few Telly Awards and he should probably just throw them out. Robin said that they mean something so he should keep them. Howard said they're embarrassing. He said they had to pay for them so it makes him feel like a total asshole. He said that someone famous saw them and he can't remember who it was. He said he had to try and remember. He said it was Hoda from Kathie Lee's show. Howard said he knows her and he had her over to his house. Howard said he told her about the award and told her to ignore it. He didn't even remember the name of it. He said that he basically made his own award. That's how ridiculous it is. Howard said he's just going to throw them away. He said he is proud of some of his awards but not that one.
Howard asked Steve if William Patterson can make up a real award instead of a plaque. Steve said he'd check into that. Howard said he saw that MTV is going to have a Comedy award show now. He said those award shows are huge money. They get celebrities to show up and the audiences are huge. He said MTV is going to be doing that soon and those shows are a cash cow.
Robin said Dick Clark figured that out and he made up the People's Choice Awards. Howard said they just came up with a Johnny Carson Memorial Award. He figured that David Letterman will show up for that one. Howard said that he should get that award himself.
Howard told Steve that he'll accept that award if they revoke Cousin Brucie's award. He said there is no rationale behind that bravery in radio for him. He said Brucie will take anything he's given.
Gary said they give a bio for Brucie and they mention that Howard talked about the award the day before he got it. They don't even reference Brucie's bravery in the bio. Howard said Les Paul makes some beautiful guitars but he doesn't get the bravery thing with him either.
Robin asked why they came up with the awards. Steve wasn't sure about that. Robin said they should have been the first winner in that. Howard said they gave it to Brucie to make it legitimate. Howard read some details about his award and talked about how fucked up the whole radio business is. He said you get into that business and you are brave.
Robin said she just clicked on the Bravery IN Radio Award link and they have their picture up there. Howard did his Brucie impression for a minute and goofed on him for a short time. Howard was giving Brucie's thank-you speech. Robin said the plaques looked very nice actually. Howard said he can't display that one. He'd have to hang it on his wall.
Gary came in and told Howard that their intern Katie (Smiles) goes to William Patterson. She told him that their motto is ''Brave Radio'' so it might not be fore ''bravery'' and that's just the name of it. Howard said that there is no ceremony or anything then. Gary said they'll just come up and give out their call letters and stuff. Howard said he might do that.
Howard said he has to get that plaque. Gary said they had some pictures of cousin Brucie getting his plaque. Howard checked those out and goofed on Brucie some more.
Howard saw the pictures of Brucie and he was wearing jeans but they looked like mom jeans. Howard said he was smiling like it was the biggest day of his life too. Howard asked if he's still working there. They said he is. Gary said he was listening to his show this weekend.
Howard read more about this award and who they give it to. Howard said that it sounds like he fits all of their criteria. He gave his thank-you speech as Brucie.
Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard made to a gay phone sex line where they used Howard's audio clips. Howard thought they gave him the wrong thing but they said that he turns into Cousin Brucie in the clip. Howard continued playing it. They had Howard talking to the gay phone sex guy as Brucie.
After that Steve wrapped up his news preview with some plugs for Jackie's show that's on tonight at 7. Robin mentioned that they wanted her to make a speech at her college. Howard told her not to do it. Robin said she's not going to be able to make it. Howard said he was asked to speak at Harvard. He turned that down.
Howard had Johnny Fratto on the phone and he used to hang with Neil Strauss. Johnny told Howard that when you meet Neil you don't get that vibe off of him that he'd be able to pick up the chicks he was getting. Johnny told Howard that Neil invited him to go to Nobu years ago and there were some girls there who were completely normal. He said that this mother fucker took these girls out of character and he was shocked that he was able to do it. He said he didn't get involved in it.
Howard asked Johnny if he tag teamed the girls. Johnny said that he didn't. He had his wife in the room with him so he told Howard that he couldn't say that. Howard said that one of the chicks is that Natty chick that's with Charlie Sheen. Johnny said that the girls went completely out of character. He said he was watching Neil doing his thing and he was touching them and all of that and he was working it.
Howard said Neil didn't get laid until he was 23 or 24 and he had to change his life. He ended up writing a book about it. Howard said that people weren't sure he was the real thing. Johnny said it was real.
Johnny said it was amazing. He said it all felt really negative at first. Johnny said he knew the girls and one of them he knew real well. He said they were totally normal girls too. He said they started talking and the next thing you know he's showing the girls things and getting kind of close. He said he started biting on the one girl's arm and he was sweating bullets watching what he was doing. Johnny said he knew Neil for like a year or two before that but this looked really weird.
Howard said he had the girls eating out of the palm of his hand. Johnny said they went back to the house after that. Johnny said he was getting the dagger look from his wife. He said he just wants to tell the story. Johnny went on to say that Neil had another girl at his house and he had this other girl there and it was like he made one get jealous of the other one. He said he doesn't drink but that night he was drinking. He said he felt like he was watching a movie.
Johnny said when he left the place looked like Caligula. He said it was like the craziest porno he had ever seen. Howard said he never got that from Neil as he was talking to him for this article. Johnny said that they have to let him do something with JD on the show. He said that he hangs with Little Johnny and he surfs with him. He said it's just fucking crazy.
Howard thanked Johnny for calling in with that. Howard said he thought Neil was exaggerating but he apparently wasn't. Johnny said he wouldn't believe it if he saw it. He said even the girls who know he wrote the book fall for it.
Johnny ended up putting his wife on the phone so Howard could tell her that he didn't fuck anyone. She got off the phone pretty quick. Johnny said that he and his wife have to flee in the middle of the night because the 2 year old is a nightmare. They have to go on a trip and the kid won't let them leave. He said the kid is 2 and he rules their life. He said this kid is worse than the last one was. Johnny said that his life would be at Neil's house right now if he didn't start this other family. Howard said the fact that he was even in the room with Neil while he was orgying was amazing. He said he doesn't even believe that Johnny didn't do anything. Johnny said he's 56 years old and he has a hard enough time with one woman. He said he got tired just watching Neil.
Howard asked Johnny if he's still in with Eric the Midget. Johnny said he is. He said he's a pain in the ass though. He said he's been turning jobs down that are amazing things. He said they have to get him to do those things. Howard let Johnny go after that.
Howard went into his parents impressions and had them talking about the show ''Baggage'' and ''Family Feud'' that they watch on that Game Show Network. He had his parents talking about those shows and about Jerry Springer. Howard said that they used to watch on channel 88 and it just disappeared one day. now they have to watch it on some other show. They were talking about their hospital bed and how they like to watch TV laying in that bed with their feet up. They have their routine where they watch Baggage and then go to sleep after flattening out the bed. Robin said that sounds wonderful. She would like to watch with them. Howard said that Robin should go over there and do that. He said she'd love it.
Howard had his parents talking about how they lost the channel and how they had to pay extra to get it back. Howard said his parents love that ''Baggage'' show. Howard was doing those impressions goofing around with his parents speaking loud and correcting each other on some things about what they watch.
Howard said he should get his old man on the phone one day to talk about all of this. Howard said they do love that show ''Baggage.'' Robin said it hasn't been on that long. She said that she thought that Jerry Springer came in to promote the show just recently. Howard said he thinks it's been on for a while now. Howard said his parents liked it and it must have been on for a while.
Howard had his parents talking about watching Jeopardy too. He had his father going into a whole thing about how people don't know how to bet on that show. Howard had to stop and go to break after that.
Howard came back and played some trivia with Robin about the Living Color song. Howard said he saw himself dancing on Howard TV recently and he looks ridiculous. The Howard TV guys showed some video of him dancing. Robin got a laugh out of that. Howard said ''What the hell?'' Howard said that wasn't dancing, it looked like he was rubbing dog shit off his shoe instead. Howard said he's not going to dance anymore because of that.
Howard said Joe Frazier is the greatest guest ever. He said he's an old friend of the show and he thinks he's the best. Howard said Joe was at the Knicks game the other night and he had the audio of that. In the clip the interviewer tried to ask him some questions. When Joe answered his questions about his fights he said something that was pretty much unintelligible.
After playing those clips Howard said he could catch every couple of words. Robin said that she knew exactly what he said. She told Howard what he was talking about since he didn't seem to get it. Howard said Joe was answering his own questions.
Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard made to an auto repair shop using Joe Frazier audio clips. The guy on the line barely understood what Joe was talking about. After that Howard said Joe is the best. Robin said he really is great.
Howard said that Benjy wants to mix it up with the interns. He said he can't fuck them while they're there so he just works them while they're there so he can get them later.
Howard played another clip where one of the male interns said that Benjy comes out and makes weird phone calls. One of the female interns said he does make some strange calls. Another guy said that he will pick up and not say anything. Howard said Benjy is looking to stand near the female interns. He said he guarantees he has no one on the line. Benjy said that he was talking to a friend that day that he said he was on a land line. He said this whole thing is so fucking ridiculous.
Howard played more of that and the interns talked about Benjy's strange calls. One female intern said that he called someone and asked if he could get an appointment in an hour and then asked if the person would be there. Benjy started yelling at Howard about how this was out of control. He said this is bullshit.
Howard said Benjy is like a kid who is trying to get attention. He said he's putting on a whole show for the interns and that's what this is. Benjy said he was just using a fucking phone. He said he's sick of this fucking crap and he's just making a fucking phone call. He had to yell because Howard had turned off his mic.
Howard said the other day Star Jones was out doing some broadcast so they sent Benjy down there. He showed up in a horses head. He said he saw a guy in an Elmo's costume and gave him a few bucks to stand there with him. He said Benjy just starts screaming. He said Benjy was screaming at her about who he was. Howard said some security guys came and told him to get the fuck out of there. Benjy told them to address him like a horse and he'd leave. Howard had them play that part of the clip.
The Howard TV guys played the clip and Benjy was telling them to tell him to giddy up and he'd leave. Howard said the two guys looked very tough and some other guy figured out what was going on. He said that the other guy told him to just giddy up and Benjy got on all fours and walked around like a horse. Then he threw himself down the subway steps. He didn't just walk. Howard said that this guy was yelling at him ''Go horsie!'' and Benjy left. Howard said the guy on the street had nothing to do with security.
Howard said Benjy went down the Subway and came out the other side of the street. Then he walked under a truck that could have run him over.
Gary said that the Elmo guy was there and Benjy was pretending to butt fuck him. Then he tried to perform fake oral on Elmo and that's when Elmo left.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Benjy is a sick mother fucker and he's not sure how he puts up with him. Howard said he is mental.
Another caller said that Benjy's stuff on the street is funny but not when he's doing it in the studio. Benjy told the caller that when he gets treated like shit he responds like anyone would respond. The caller said that it's uncalled for in the studio. Benjy said he doesn't fit in with them there.
Howard took another call from a guy who said they have to keep Benjy off the air. He said it's getting to be re-god-damn-diculous.
Howard said Benjy was hanging around the other day and he was in the studio with some dude. He said that Benjy was all apologetic for no reason. Benjy said Howard was sick that day and he made a mistake apologizing. He said that he didn't want to upset him or anything.
Howard said he had heard enough of Benjy today. He shut off his mic again. Another caller said he loves Benjy and he thinks that he's a main part of the show. Benjy yelled ''Fuck you'' to that guy. The guy said he loves it when Benjy is going crazy like that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he wants to talk about that other douche bag Ronnie the Limo Driver. The guy said that when Hank the Dwarf died he thinks that Ronnie took his shtick. Howard said he thinks that Ronnie has always been like that though.
Another caller said he thinks that Benjy is hysterical. He asked when that's going to be on Howard TV. Doug said it'll be on tomorrow night on Howard TV. Howard said it's a great clip. He had the Howard TV guys play more of Benjy doing his thing as a horse out on the street. He was walking into traffic and stuff like that. He was neighing like a horse too.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him he should go see Pat Metheney play guitar. He said that the guy is amazing. Howard said he's not a Jazz guy and he's not into an instrumentalists. He said that the best instrumental there ever was had Leslie West in it. Howard said that it might be Nantucket Sleigh Ride. Howard said that they do one that's all instruments. Fred said it might be another song because they sing in that one. Howard said there's one on the Mountain album but he can't remember the name of it.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what he thinks about Kate Hudson showing her pregnant belly in a bikini. Howard said he thought it was disgusting but he still thinks she's very fuckable. Robin said she showed up somewhere with her belly out. The caller said it is kind of off putting. He said that's the beauty of pregnancy so you have to be sensitive to that.
Howard asked Fred to play some more Mountain songs trying to find that instrumental. Howard said it might be Free Yasgar's Farm. It wasn't that one either. Howard let that song play. He said it starts rocking soon. He said Leslie West sings on that one. He said that band was perfect. He said they were good for each other. Howard said Leslie had the sheer talent to make them great. He said they were the best.
Gary came in and played the game. He read a question like it was being asked by someone writing into her show. The person asked about her husband demanding a pre-nup. Gary read the three answers that were on the card and they had to guess which one was her actual answer. Benjy guessed it right. He said he listens to her so he knows what she would say.
Gary read the second question which was about a guy who knocked up his girl and if marrying someone because she's pregnant would be a mistake. Gary read the answers that were on the card and Howard said the whole thing is a disaster. Howard said this was so boring. He wasn't even able to follow what Gary was saying. He said he can't remember what Gary read. He said he can't take it and it's a horrible game. Howard said Dr. Laura is a shnurer and he can't take this anymore.
Howard said he doesn't give a shit what Dr. Laura thinks or what her callers think. Howard said this was just a money grab and he can't imagine who would buy a game like that.
Gary said she has a talking doll of herself too. Howard asked if she ever looks at her career and thinks about this crap that she sells. He said that people don't like that crap. Jackie used to think people liked it but he gave it away and sold it to drunk people at his shows.
Gary said that Jackie got upset when he heard the show yesterday. He was upset about the ringtones because they're not on his site and they're not giving him the money. Gary said he wanted the name of the site so he could have it shut down.
Gary asked what kind of money Dr. Laura could have gotten for that game. Howard said he doesn't know but he can imagine her hocking her listeners to buy that crap. He said that she probably didn't work on it either. He said he can imagine what they said to her and did an impression of a guy pitching it to her. Howard said he's had meetings like that so he knows the pitch.
Howard said Adrianne is pretty hot. Gary said she is but she's a little yappy. Howard said that Gary is funny because he's kind of yappy himself. He said that he likes that though. Gary said he has to sell the show when he talks to publicists so he has to be yappy.
The Howard TV guys showed a picture of Adrianne Curry from her Twitter account. Howard said that she looked hot. He said he's going to follow her. He said he's going to recreate her poses and make them of himself.
Gary gave Howard some Twitter people like Jackie and Mariann from Brooklyn. Howard said he thinks that Jackie has more. Gary said they're wrong. Mariann doubles Jackie. Gary gave them Jackie or Brian Phelan. Howard said it has to be Jackie. It is but not by a lot. Gary gave Jackie or High Pitch Mike. Robin said it's mike. She was right. Gary said even Teddy, Artie's former assistant, has more than Jackie.
Howard said he hates seeing anyone being miserable but he did warn Jackie a million times that he should stay with the show. He said that he should have stayed. Howard said he told Jackie the other day that he would hire him back but Robin won't allow it.
Howard said that JD gets worked up over Snooki because he doesn't get why she's famous. JD came in and said that they're ''awarding'' asshole behavior. Howard corrected him on that. Howard asked if he's jealous. JD said he's jealous of the money they make out of idiotic behavior. Robin asked if he'd be okay with it if they were acting in a sitcom. JD said that they would be acting so that would be okay. Robin said they are acting like idiots in that show. JD said they're already assholes and they're just amping it up on the shows they do.
Howard took a call from a guy who was doing his Cousin Brucie impression. Howard got into it with him so it was like dueling Brucie's. Howard asked the guy what he could do for him. The guy said that he heard Lisa G talking about writing a book about relationships and she should be writing one about not having any. Howard said that the book never did get made. He said he heard that on the Wrap Up Show and she said she did have a lot of dates. That led to them talking about Lisa and how she seems to think that she's too good for anyone and she may never find a guy. Robin said that she is attractive and guys are interested in her.
Howard read some email about the Kathy Griffin interview and how she said she's dating the Old Spice guy. Some people were shocked by that and some don't believe it at all.
Howard read some email about the movie ''Take Me home Tonight'' and corrected him about the guy who was in the movie who looked like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. Howard said he still liked the movie.
Howard read some feedback about some stuff he mentioned about Christopher Hitchens and how he's got some other great stuff out. Howard said he's going to check some of it out.
Howard read an email from someone who suggested that he tell Sal to lay off of Jon Hein since he's called him a boy toucher in a prank cal. Howard said it was just a prank call.
Howard played some audio of Sal and Richard interviewing some people during a St. Patrick's Day Parade. Howard said it didn't sound like it was from the parade day but it was.
Gary came in and told Howard that they have a guy who listens to a police scanner during the St. Patrick's Day Parade. He wrote down some of the stuff that he hears. Howard read some of the stuff he had written down and read it over his megaphone. It was just one thing after another with people passed out and being raped. There was a lot of ''man down'' stuff too.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who reminded him that he's doing Jimmy Fallon's show on St. Patrick's day. Howard said that you can't even move in that town when that parade is going on. Howard said he doesn't know why he agreed to do those appearances. Mariann said she didn't mean to bring him down. Howard said he loves when Jimmy does the show but he doesn't care about doing those shows. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and sang along with the song a little bit. He didn't know it was Pink. Robin knew it though. Howard listened to the song for a few seconds and asked if she was auditioning for Queen or something. Robin said she thinks it was for American Idol. Howard said it's such a great song. He said he's going to do a cover of the song too. This has inspired him. Howard said he likes Pink. He said she shouldn't have gotten pregnant though. It's not a good look for her. Howard said he'd go into hiding if he were her. Howard said he was digging the song.
Howard said John Stamos asked him out to dinner tonight but he can't go. He might go on Monday but then he remembered he had plans with his cousin. Howard said Beth is out of town so he had to ask her to email someone. He said that she's doing a photo shoot down in Florida and visiting her parents.
Howard said today he has too much going on. He's meeting with the various heads of his staff and he'd like to do some exciting stuff for his fans. Howard said that he's had some visions lately and he has to talk to these people. He said he's also switching over his computer systems to Apple. Howard said he made the decision and he's doing it. He said he has a guy who helps him out with all of that stuff. Howard said that Robin will have to come over and check it out.
Howard said he's going to test it out and he'll let Robin know. Then he'll steer her wrong and she'll yell at him. Robin said she still hasn't gotten a Droid phone but she's moving that way. Howard said he loves his Droid. Howard said he left Blackberry and he's never looking back.
Howard said he beat off last night. He said he had to get up to pee at like 1 in the morning. He said he can't fall asleep after that. Howard said he's getting older so his prostate must be enlarged and now he has to pee.
Howard said he went down to get a banana while he was up. He said he wasn't going to get on the computer but then he started reading the paper. He said he turned off the lights and tried to sleep. He was wide awake. He said he figured he could beat off and get back to sleep. He said he found some more babysitter porn. He said he found a new one where this girl is babysitting and her boyfriend is over. The dad comes home and throws the teen boy out. He asks the babysitter what she's doing and yells at her. She's just giggling and then he says he'd like to rub her titties. Howard said the chick lets him do it. He said guys must see this and think they can do shit like this in real life. Howard said that the father starts doing the chick in the kitchen and she has her leg up on the sink and one leg on the floor. He said it's no wonder kids these days are the way they are. He said it's all wrong.
Howard said this guy was plowing into this chick. He said he was done after that. He said he was trying to extend it a little more but then he just finished his business.
Howard said Ashton Kutcher bought him that iPad that he uses to beat off. He said that Ashton wrote him and email and said he's so proud that he uses it for masturbating. Howard said at least he found a use for it.
Gary told Howard about an iPad cover that some guy sent to him. It lets you put your hand in the back of it so you don't drop it. Howard said he's not going to do that just so he can masturbate better. Fred said maybe he can get a music stand for it instead. Howard said that might be okay.
Howard said he thought he was done with the masturbating to porn. He said Beth keeps going away though so he has to. He said he needs the porn to get off too. He said he has a need for it. Howard said he did it on Sunday night too. He said he saw another video where the babysitter takes a bath and drinks champagne. He said the dad comes home and gets right in the tub with her. He said the chick starts blowing him right away. Howard said it causes a lot of angst with him.
Howard said he decided to act like he's not famous when he's doing interviews. He used to do a whole thing where he'd set the interview up and try to make it look like he was something he wasn't. Howard said you act like you don't care even though you do. He said that he won't have anyone of prominence up to his apartment. He said he can imagine David Spade seeing all of that crap and Tweeting about it. Howard said Kathy Griffin Tweeted a picture of him after the show yesterday and he wasn't thrilled with that. He said it wasn't a good picture.
Jon got back to his rundown and mentioned a few more things that they'll be covering today. That led to them talking about the Sammy Hagar book thing and how Will came through for Howard today when Gary didn't.
Robin said they're saying that Matt Damon might be up to replace Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men. Robin read about Charlie Sheen is due in court today. Robin said that he was also fired from Two and a Half Men. Robin said they say the show will come back but they're not sure how they're going to replace him. Robin said that Charlie climbed up on a building with a machete and he was claiming that he had triumphed and this was his liberation from the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would run for vice president if Donald Trump asked him to. Howard said he would never do that. He said Trump isn't serious about running for President either. He said he can't win and he doesn't want to win. He said he likes the guy but this is just a publicity stunt.
Robin said that Piers Morgan was on ''The Talk'' and they didn't want to talk about Charlie Sheen. Piers tried to get them to talk about him but they refused. Robin had some audio of the show where they were telling Piers that they were done talking about him. Howard said that's the way Beth feels about it. He said he told her about his 15 things that Charlie Sheen could have done on his show and she didn't want to hear it. He said he told her to pick a topic then. She just doesn't care about it. Leah Remini was the one saying that they didn't want to talk about it.
Howard said he got a note from Piers asking him to come on his show with Charlie. Howard said he wouldn't ask Piers to come in there with Charlie. Howard said he never wrote Piers back but he really doesn't want to do anymore TV shows. He said he's done with that. Howard said he's not comfortable writing him back about that. Howard said he's sure it would benefit him greatly if he did go on the show but he thinks he's done.
Robin had some audio of a show talking about Charlie going out the way he is and how he had a top rated TV show.
Robin read about Tony Curtis' will and how he had cut Jamie Lee Curtis out of the will right before he died. Howard said they didn't get along. He said if you fuck around too much then you get cut out. Robin read about how he cut all of the kids out of the will according to this story.
Gary said he texted Charlie this morning and asked him to come on the show. Charlie wrote back ''Can't. Lawyers.'' so he won't be able to come on. Gary said it appears that he's finally listening to someone though.
Howard said he was listening to a clip from the NAACP awards and Sofia Vergara was on there. He played some of her clip and said that she was speaking with that Castillian lisp. He said that he remembers a teacher he had in high school who had a lisp like that. He wondered what the fuck she was doing. He said that he wanted to hang himself after hearing that. He hated those language classes. He said he had a Jewish woman teaching him Spanish.
Robin read about a man who was run over more than a dozen times on the Los Angeles freeway. Robin said he was struck repeatedly by several cars before someone called police. Robin said that one witness was diverting traffic. Robin said he may have been hit more than 20 times. Fred was recreating the scene with sound effects.
Robin read a story about a guy who had his chimpanzee taken from him and put in a zoo. Howard said they shouldn't allow monkeys in people's homes. Robin said this guy wants his chimp back. Howard said the guy couldn't just have a dog or a cat or even a bird. He had to have a chimp. Howard went to break after that.
After the break Robin got back to her news. She read about David Arquette's accident the other day and how he's doing okay after that. Howard said he just got his 60 day chip for being sober. Robin said he was seen wearing a raccoon hat out the other day.
Robin read that tiger Woods has announced he's moving into a new home in Jupiter, Florida. Robin said it has a 6,400 square foot gym. Howard said some homes aren't that big. Robin read about some of the other stuff that he has in the home and how he has a practice facility around the house. It has 4 greens and 6 bunkers and a putting studio. Howard said any rock star who puts a recording studio in their house just fails. He said that's what it's going to be like for Tiger. Howard said that's why he still goes to work instead of doing the show from his home.
Robin read about Ben Affleck and Cindy McCain going in front of Congress to raise awareness about what's going on in the Congo. Howard said it's a mess. He wished he knew where it was.
Robin read about Joran Vandersloot pleading guilty to killing one woman. Howard goofed on the guy's name since it sounds like ''Urine.'' He wondered if his brother's name is ''Shithead.''
Robin read a story about this guy who is known as the East Coast Rapist. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about this guy.
Howard said he just found out there actually was a casino in the Congo. He was joking about Ben Affleck earlier and how he must have gone there for a casino since that's what the guy seems to enjoy doing. Howard spent a minute goofing around with that idea and had Ben talking about how horrible the comps were there at the Congo casino. Howard wondered what he would be testifying about in front of Congress. He said he must be complaining about the casino accommodations.
Robin read a story about some guy who is trying to do away with the death penalty. After that Howard did a live commercial.
Robin read story about President Obama condemning what's going on in Libya. Robin had some details and some audio clips.
Robin had some audio of Demi Lovato talking about how she got through some tough times last year. She said that she had a lot of great support from her fans. Robin said she didn't give many details about her struggles but she did talk about how a lot of girls are struggling with the same thing. She used to be a cutter so Howard said that he'd be afraid to be with someone like that.
Robin had some American Idol news. She went through that and had Howard play some audio.
Robin said that John Travolta is going to be going to get a TV Land Awards show for ''Welcome Back Kotter.'' Robin said that some of the other guys from the show are going to be at the awards show too.
Robin read about a new movie that's coming out, Electrolux, and had some audio of one of the stars talking about what it was about. Howard didn't make it through the whole clip. Howard played a second clip and made it a little longer with that one. He said it sounded like acting bullshit she was talking about. Howard said it sounded so complicated for something so simple. He said he just memorizes the lines and that seems to work fine. Howard said he could run an acting school that would go broke because it would only take 5 minutes to teach. He said you just have to remember your lines. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:15am.
Jon also brought up Scott DePace's story about the strip baseball thing. Gary said he's had to fight with his sons over that kind of stuff. He said that once he told his kid to stop fucking around but he did it under his breath. He said he didn't think he heard him but he was little and he heard what he said so he repeated it to him. Gary said he just pretended he didn't hear it.
Jon brought up Ronnie's tweet about his ''hot'' daughter in law. He asked Gary if that was creepy. Gary said of course it was.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Benjy too. Gary said he wants to talk about something that happened during a commercial break. He said Benjy was complaining about the interns throwing him under the bus. He and Jason didn't think they were throwing him under the bus. They were just making observations.
Benjy said he has to make phone calls in the bullpen area since he doesn't have his own office. Benjy said he doesn't go to Jon's phone because he's always on his phone. He said he just looks for a phone that's open and he's not doing it to get attention from the interns. He said he was making an appointment with the dentist so that's all it was. Benjy said he's really not trying to get that attention. He admits he likes attention sometimes but that's not what he's doing there in the office.
Gary asked about the interns talking about the cupcake thing. Benjy said that he told the girls they could have one but the guy's couldn't. He said he was just joking around.
Gary said they asked Benjy to act more normal and now that he is, he's boring. Will said that Benjy does some weird things and then he's surprised when they think he's acting weird. Will said he's not sure why he's so angry over this. Jon said he was really upset earlier. Benjy said he's upset because he's not allowed to respond. He said he's trying to respond now and that's why he's being normal.
Jon played some of the audio of Howard talking to Benjy and Benjy freaking out on him. After that Jon asked Benjy if he's making his phone calls so everyone can hear him. Gary said he doesn't think that's what he's doing. Jon wondered if he's always looking for attention. Will said there was a time when he was but it's kind of died down. Gary said he still looks for attention sometimes.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Benjy he's surprised he hasn't snapped before today. He also told Benjy that the show has kind of surpassed him and it's become boring lately. He said he likes the wrap up show and doesn't even listen during the week;. He just listens to the good stuff on Friday's. The guy also sad he thinks that Howard is closeted. The guy said that Howard sounds feminine to him and he's just not a man's guy. He said that Will and Gary are guy's guys. Gary asked if he saw his pitch. The guy said he did. Gary said that Howard is all fucking man when it comes to sex. He said they always talk about chicks and he's never gotten a vibe that he's into dudes. The caller continued on his crazy theories about why he thinks Howard is gay for a minute. They let him go a short time later.
Ronnie doesn't get why they find it so crazy to say that if she actually is hot. He was also talking about how hot the nurses were at the hospital. Benjy asked if she's cool with him calling her hot. Ronnie said she knows. He said he jokes around with her.
Ronnie said Howard watching the babysitter porn is no different than what he's doing. Gary said one is reality and one is fantasy though. Ronnie said that this isn't a big deal. He said she heard that he was getting his balls busted about it and she was laughing. Will said that he's looking at her sexually and that's weird. Ronnie doesn't think it is. He asked what the big fuckin' deal was.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that his father tried hitting on his wife after she had their two kids. Ronnie said he's not trying to hit on her. The caller said it makes him sound like the biggest perv on the earth when he says what he says. The guy said that he doesn't like that they dump on him but he was wrong to say that about his daughter in law.
Jon said that Ronnie thinks that he's giving her a compliment in his eyes. Ronnie said that it was a joke. He said that she's smoking hot so it was just a joke. Benjy said he thinks that his son would love that his dad thinks his wife is hot. Ronnie said his son is fine with it.
Benjy asked Gary if his father ever told him that his wife was hot. Gary said he and his dad didn't talk about stuff like that. Ronnie said he put a picture of his dog up on his Twitter and he got shit for that too. Gary told him not to listen to those people. They're crazy. Gary said the dog is sitting on the couch and part of his red thing is sticking out. That's why he put it up there. He said he had 8 pictures to choose from and that's the one he picked. They had to go to break a short time later.
Another caller asked Ronnie if he's had any sex with his cousin's or siblings. Ronnie said he doesn't live in South Carolina or anything like that. Benjy asked Ronnie if he was cool talking about that thing he did. Ronnie said it was a long time ago. He said he was like 8 or 9 years old. Benjy had a real story to ask about. Ronnie said he really shouldn't go into it. That was making it sound worse than it might actually be. Gary asked what he did. Ronnie said he was just having a good time at 9 or so.
Jon asked Ronnie what he did. Ronnie said he used a finger on somebody. That's all he'll say. He said that she was kind of related to him.
Ronnie said that he used to have a girl making out with him when he was 9 and this girl was 10. He said they would lay on the couch and grind at 10. Ronnie didn't want to get into it in too much detail.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks this whole thing on Twitter is getting blown out of proportion. Ronnie said it is. He said he didn't say it in the way they think. They had to take another break after that.
Benjy asked where the kids were. Ronnie said they were sleeping. He said they were just a few feet away but they were sleeping. Gary asked why he didn't go back for more. Ronnie said they moved away not too long after that. He said after he got married he moved to another neighborhood and that woman lived in that neighborhood. He ran into her in the supermarket. He said she was friendly to him but they never saw each other after that. He said she was probably 35 at the time when he was 16. He said he never told his mother about it either.
Jon took a call from a guy who was trying to make some jokes about the Ronnie thing but they weren't going over so well. Jon tried another caller. He asked if Ronnie ever fantasies about his daughter in law. Ronnie said he doesn't do that.
Gary said he has his two Telly awards in his house. He said his kids think they're important. He has a few DogCatemy Awards too. He said that's all he'll ever get but Howard should have Emmys and other kinds of awards like that. Benjy said Howard should have his tax returns framed.
Jon said that he has a Telly and he has some Jump the Shark stuff displayed in his house. Jon asked Ronnie if he has anything. He didn't really have anything. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about some stuff he was listening to for the show. Robin said she was singing the Elton John song word for word. Howard said he was listening to Ronnie on the Wrap Up Show from yesterday.
Howard went right into those clips where Ronnie made some interesting revelations. Here's what I wrote yesterday for that segment: Jon had Ronnie in the studio so he asked him about him calling his daughter in law ''hot'' in his Tweet. Ronnie said he's getting shit if he does tweet or if he doesn't. Gary said the reason he's getting shit is because he called his daughter in law ''hot.'' He said that it's got nothing to do with Twitter.
Ronnie doesn't get why they find it so crazy to say that if she actually is hot. He was also talking about how hot the nurses were at the hospital. Benjy asked if she's cool with him calling her hot. Ronnie said she knows. He said he jokes around with her.
Ronnie said Howard watching the babysitter porn is no different than what he's doing. Gary said one is reality and one is fantasy though. Ronnie said that this isn't a big deal. He said she heard that he was getting his balls busted about it and she was laughing. Will said that he's looking at her sexually and that's weird. Ronnie doesn't think it is. He asked what the big fuckin' deal was.
Howard said he noticed that Ronnie always brings him up in his arguments. He doesn't understand that. Howard said they went on with that clip and they got into Ronnie's sex life. Here's what I wrote:
Another caller asked Ronnie if he's had any sex with his cousin's or siblings. Ronnie said he doesn't live in South Carolina or anything like that. Benjy asked Ronnie if he was cool talking about that thing he did. Ronnie said it was a long time ago. He said he was like 8 or 9 years old. Benjy had a real story to ask about. Ronnie said he really shouldn't go into it. That was making it sound worse than it might actually be. Gary asked what he did. Ronnie said he was just having a good time at 9 or so.
Jon asked Ronnie what he did. Ronnie said he used a finger on somebody. That's all he'll say. He said that she was kind of related to him.
Ronnie said that he used to have a girl making out with him when he was 9 and this girl was 10. He said they would lay on the couch and grind at 10. Ronnie didn't want to get into it in too much detail.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks this whole thing on Twitter is getting blown out of proportion. Ronnie said it is. He said he didn't say it in the way they think. They had to take another break after that.
Howard said Ronnie is apparently sexual dynamite. Howard said he told Ronnie to be quiet there when he's standing in the hall but he just can't do it. He said he has a whole bunch of sex stories. Howard played another clip of Ronnie talking about more of his sexual experiences.
Ronnie said he was about 16 and his mom had Majong games in the house. He said that this woman across the street had two kids so he was asked to go over and watch the kids. He said he went over and did that and watched some TV. He said the mother came back and the next thing he knew they were making out. He said that the mother was coming on to him and made the moves. He said that she was telling him how they weren't getting along and the next thing he knew he had his finger in her and she jerked him off and then he went home.
Benjy asked where the kids were. Ronnie said they were sleeping. He said they were just a few feet away but they were sleeping. Gary asked why he didn't go back for more. Ronnie said they moved away not too long after that. He said after he got married he moved to another neighborhood and that woman lived in that neighborhood. He ran into her in the supermarket. He said she was friendly to him but they never saw each other after that. He said she was probably 35 at the time when he was 16. He said he never told his mother about it either.
Robin asked how old he was then. Howard said he was 16. He's a very sexual guy. Howard said he's like The Graduate but he didn't graduate. Howard goofed on Ronnie about how people can't believe he's telling stories about Ronnie's sex life.
Howard said Ronnie Tweeted yesterday and he wrote something that no one can understand. He mentioned something about waiting for his boss and how he doesn't think that Charlie Sheen can be replaced. Howard read the Tweet and figured that he's a big fan of Two and a Half Men and he's saying that they're going to have to find a new show instead of keeping it going. LFSW ended the tweet. Gary told him that means ''Lets Fuck Some Whores.''
Howard said he got obsessed with the Apple computers trying to learn them. He said he loves the Apple equipment and it looks really cool. He's trying to learn it all at once and it's not working the right way. He said he gets crazy over that stuff. He said he'd like to be doing everything at once and his psychiatrist told him he has to be patient. He didn't know that. He said they got into his relationship with his parents and heavy stuff like that. Robin told Howard not to tell his parents that. Howard said his mother would go nuts if he did.
Howard went into his impression of his mother and had her telling him he's wasting his time with the psychiatrist. Howard said he got up at 1:30 this morning and tried to check his email. He said he got upset about the way the Apple thing works. He went on the Twitter account and the first one he read was from a guy saying that it seemed like he was just going through the motions with the show and he should put more effort into it. Howard said he doesn't get why these people don't just stop listening. He said he brought it up with the shrink and he told him that those people are just jealous.
Ronnie said he gets a lot of hate on Twitter. He said he put out that Charlie Sheen thing and he got a lot of positive stuff from his followers. He said the negative stuff gets him positive praise. He said he got a lot of negative stuff about his comments about his daughter in law. Ronnie said one chick sent him a picture of her tits. He said she wants to work at Rick's. Ronnie said he's not even sure if it's a real chick. He said she doesn't need a try out if those were real.
Howard said he mentioned that Adrianne Curry picture yesterday and she thanked him for getting a bunch of followers. He said he went on her Twitter page and wanted to see all of her pictures. He said he had to find her links and he found like 3. He said that she's doing some wild stuff on there. He said she's super hot and she's got shots of her ass and stuff. He said she was talking about dieting and showed her stomach. He said she has one shot of her with a bunch of girls laying around almost naked. He said she loves being naked. Howard said he's following her now. Ronnie said there's nothing wrong with that.
Howard said Adrianne is really hot and it's crazy that she's putting all of those pictures out. He said it's a great account to follow.
Howard asked Gary about the vote. Gary said he did lose that vote but it's not about getting in on the board. He said that Monday is the actual vote. He said he lost the Parks and Recreation committee 7-5. Gary had to explain all of that to Howard. He said they're an advisory board and they tell people what they think. He said that this isn't the board he would be sitting on. Gary said it was kind of hard to explain.
Howard asked how that happened. Gary told Howard he should have been there. He said they were asking him a lot of questions about a lot of stuff. Gary said his strength is in fields and they were saying that they were worried about open fields and trails and beaches. Because his strength wasn't there for those things they voted against him.
Gary said he found the irony in this thing. He said that the people on the board have different agendas and they want someone who has no agenda. Each one of them have an agenda of their own. Gary said that they were saying he seems like a good guy but they think that the meetings are going to be discussed on the show. Gary said he told them that's not going to happen. Gary said the people he works with are bored with it.
Ronnie told Gary to just tell them to fuck off. Howard said he really should and he should just walk away. Gary said they want someone who understands all of this stuff who will work for free. Howard said it sounds like they're all fucking insane.
Howard asked if the woman with the bag of shit was there. Gary said she was. He said she had 3 minutes to speak about him. He said that a bunch of people got up and spoke about what an asset he would be. Then she got up and told everyone about the way she was discussed on the radio and how no one should have to go through that. He said that she doesn't like the curse words. Howard said ''Well fuck her.'' Howard said Gary really wants this position. Gary said he really doesn't care. He said he was there to volunteer and he doesn't think that anyone is qualified who is willing to do that for free.
Howard said Gary is a great guy and he's willing to put his energy into this. He said this world is crazy. He said that there are so many nudnicks and people with low brain power out there arguing over it. Howard said it's just like these nutty politicians who get into the abortion thing. He said they have no business being in it. Howard said it's nonsense. They need someone to sit on this board for free and they're denying this guy who is volunteering.
Gary said that there was a comment about Natalie Portman that Mike Huckabee meant and it's hurting him. Howard said he's concentrating on bullshit. He said that Newt Gingrich is trying to be this Christian guy and he's had 3 marriages and done things to women that are just not right. Howard said people are nuts.
Howard said this thing with Gary is the craziest thing ever. He said he understands where Gary is coming from. He said on one hand he wants to say goodbye but he has to stand up to this woman who claims she's being bullied. Howard said she's the bully. He said she has decided that her shit doesn't stink and she's making a morality judgment on Gary. He said that of course he's going to talk about her on the show because she's saying terrible things about his producer and he knows that Gary is a good guy.
Howard said they can't find someone to sit on this board and they're going to deny Gary. Gary said none of them have the overall knowledge that they're looking for from him.
Howard said Gary is willing to give up his time for that and there aren't a lot of people like that. He said Gary is the best father he's ever seen. Hands down. He said that Gary is into the community and he's helping kids out with coaching and all of that. Robin said Gary even slept on a submarine with his kids. Howard said people are all full of shit. He said that anyone who adopts is someone who he respects. He told Gary he's sorry he has to go through this. Gary thanked him for that.
Howard said if Gary gives up then this woman is going to think she won. That's why he can't give up. He said this is like the movie Caddyshack who was trying to keep Rodney Dangerfield out of the club. He said this reminds him of that. He said this woman is a snob and she doesn't know Gary. He said she's the bully and she's bullying Gary.
Gary said the person who isn't helping is Steve Langford. He said he saw Steve in the elevator with someone and he was yelling ''Don't push me, I have every right to be here.'' He's not sure what was going on there. Gary said that Steve has been there and he knows that this would have made the news either way.
Howard asked if she was fat. Ronnie said she was in between. He said she played Majong with his mother. He told Howard the story and used the F-word every other word. Robin asked if he could tell this story without using that word. Howard told him to pretend they're on terrestrial radio. Ronnie told the story without saying fuck. He told them how he and the woman ended up grinding on the couch and one thing led to another and that was it.
Howard said he doesn't think that he would have made that move at 16. Howard said he would have loved that. He said most of his mom's friends were pigs but there were a couple who were hot. Ronnie said that you hear the stories in the paper and this woman could have gone to jail for that. He said it was weird. He was thrilled at the time though. Ronnie said he told his friends but he never told his mother.
Howard asked Ronnie if she grabbed his dick and jerked him off. Ronnie said they were laying close to each other and they stuck their hands down each other's pants. He said he had sex before that so he knew what to do. He said he had a girlfriend at 13. He said he didn't have sex but she did jerk him off.
Ronnie told some stories about that girl and how he would hang with her in his bedroom while his parents were at work. He said her parents didn't like that she was dating him because he's Jewish and she was Catholic.
Ronnie told a story about waiting for the bus one morning. He said he was up at her house once and someone came home. He had to hide in her closet. He said he waited there until she went to the bathroom and then he snuck out. Ronnie said he was waiting at this bus stop one morning and the father came up to him and pointed in his face telling him to stay away from his daughter. He said okay and he kept going out with her secretly. He said she was cool. He said she moved eventually but he went back to see her a few more times once he got his driver's license.
Howard said he wishes he had pictures of that woman. Ronnie said he has other stories but he can't go into them. Howard asked if they're the stories he knows. Ronnie said some of those stories. Howard said he's heard some wild ones.
Robin said that Howard mentioned that his chili makes him fart and Ronnie said it really does. Howard said he didn't fart in the car at all yesterday. Ronnie said he didn't yesterday but in the past he's told him when he's putting the window down. Howard told everyone to go follow Ronnie on Twitter.
Howard said he bought a lot of equipment and he wants it all set up immediately. He said he was going berserk in the car. Ronnie said he was going nuts and it was all laying there in the back of the car like spaghetti.
Howard let Ronnie go after that. He said that he was on fire buying that Apple equipment. Howard said he was in a meeting yesterday and he's trying to get everyone to work under one roof. He said he wants to bring in a lot of subscribers to satellite. He said they have a lot of content and he wants to figure out how to push it out and get the word out there.
Howard said there was a guy on the Wrap Up Show yesterday talking about how he's like an elderly grandfather and Robin is like the elderly grandmother and the show is boring lately. Howard said he doesn't get why anyone would continue to subscribe if that's the way he feels. Howard said the guy was also saying that he was closeted. He played the audio of that caller and pointed out how he didn't even have an answer for why he thinks he's closeted. Howard said he gets a lot of that on Twitter too. Howard said he'd like to stay in touch with the audience but that's the kind of people that he has to deal with. Howard said he really gets affected by that. Howard wondered if people are that empty inside.
Howard said he was on fire with the Apple stuff. He said that he had to end his meeting so he could get to the Apple store. He said once he makes that decision it has to happen that day. He said he took all of his computers and pushed them off the desk. He said he bought a bunch of Apple computers and now he's setting them up. He said he was generally pleased because they were easy to set up. He said it's just a matter of time before he figures it all out.
Robin said she has the iPad and she wants to figure that out. She said that they say that they all work the same once you've learned. Howard said that he might have to take a class but he can't imagine doing that.
Howard said he needs an Apple tutor. He said he can't figure out the simplest thing to do on those computers. He said the mouse is annoying his wrist and it's making him angry. He said anything new makes him angry like that. Fred threw in a bunch of Iron Sheik ''Fuck you!'' comments.
Howard said he likes the Apple computers because they have Bluetooth so he can just walk around with the keyboard. Robin said she had a wireless keyboard with her PC too. Howard said he was setting up his Netflix on his TV yesterday too. He said that in the middle of his new Apple thing he was doing that. He was on a Technology tear. He had problems with his Droid phone too so he was trying to figure that out.
Howard said he's so obsessive. He said he had to have pictures in his contact list on his phone. He had to have it ''now!'' He was looking for pictures of Mike Deluca on his phone last night at 2 in the morning. He said that he was figuring that all out while he was on his new Apple. He said he just had to get it done though. Howard said he was looking for pictures of everyone. He said that Jason has all of this stuff worked out on his phone and it makes him want to do it too. He said he had to tell himself to calm down. He said he gets anxiety over it.
Robin told Howard he has to get someone to help him out with that. Howard said he doesn't want that. He said that Toni Coburn has a cool ringtone and he wanted one when he heard that. Robin said she hates ringtones. Howard said Toni showed him an app she has on her phone that does interesting things with the pictures. He said he needed it after seeing it. Howard said he doesn't even really want it. He said he gets crazy over this stuff. Robin said she was thinking about looking for more apps too but she didn't do it.
Howard said Laura Lackner got him a birthday gift, a little late, and it was a subscription to some photography magazines. Howard said Laura is very thoughtful. Howard said the three magazines are sitting on his desk and he's thinking that he has to read them all and do all of that other stuff he's trying to get done. The next thing he knew it was 8 at night and he hadn't done anything fun for the day. He said it's like he has bumble bees in his head all the time. Fred played some swarming sounds as he was talking about that.
Howard said he has like 10 assistants that could help him out with this stuff but he wants to do it himself. Howard said he was on the phone about the show and with his agent and he's on fire. Howard said he's 57 and he's acting like a 3 year old. Howard said he's like a 14 year old girl with the phone.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel has everything and he goes on the internet and he has Twitter and all of that. He said he goes on vacation with him and he takes tons of pictures and sends them to some web site that lets him order books full of the pictures. He said he does it all himself too... He thinks. Howard said that Jimmy orders stuff on the internet and gets it overnight and all of this stuff. He said it makes him fucking crazy. He wanted to write him an angry email last night asking how he became so proficient with all of this stuff.
Howard said he was talking to Jimmy about the camera he has and Jimmy gave him advice on what else he needed. He said he doesn't know how he has the time for all of this. Robin asked if he thinks he needs a hobby. Howard said he doesn't. He said he loves it and hates it all. Howard said he has to be good at what he's doing within a week. He knows that's crazy.
Howard said that Robin was busy with her boat and she was crashing it into things. Robin said that's why she got her captain. She said it drives her crazy too. Howard said his psychiatrist would ask if he can just enjoy something and not have to be the best. Howard said he really wants to be the best at whatever he's doing. He said he's learning Photoshop and he wants to be great at that. He knows he's a crazy man though.
Robin told Howard about the horseback riding she was doing and how that made her crazy. She said that it was like an hour drive to get there and it was such an effort just to get there. She said that she did love the horses but they were just too far away. Robin said the race car driving thing was nuts too. She said there was a lot of driving to get to the race tracks. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and sang along to the song a little bit. Robin said people must get as excited for Justin Bieber as they did for the Beatles. Howard said that's not possible.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Howard asked how he can find out who is standing out there. Gary said they have it up on the screen. They have it up all morning.
Lisa said they were on the scene as Robin gave some money to some organizations she raised some money for. Lisa said they cooked for her. Robin said they were wonderful kids. Howard said she reminds him of Jerry Lewis who did everything for the kids. Howard asked what they cooked for her. She said they made Spanacopida and smoothies. Howard had no idea what Spancopida was. Robin told him it's like a pie.
Lisa told Howard that Tabitha Stevens told them about her relationship with Charlie Sheen 14 years ago. She said she did witness Charlie's anger and she saw him calling himself ''Charles Ma-Sheen.'' She said she got paid $10,000 to be with him.
Howard said that Tabitha has been through the mill and she's been with a lot of guys. Howard said that sex must be kind of mundane after all these years. He said that Charlie is in that weird area now. He said that he did another show on the internet and he said it might be his last one. Howard said if it is his last one he's doing these programs and you realize that no woman in the world could be in a relationship with him. That's why all of these girls have to be paid. He said it's constant gibberish and high energy. He said he can't imagine any normal woman being in a relationship with the guy. He said he gets hot chicks but they're all hookers or porn stars.
Howard played some of the Charlie Sheen show where they played an opening song for him. Howard said he's really caught up in Apocalypse Now. He had a bunch of clips from that in the opening theme. Howard said it's like Charlie's war that they're witnessing. Robin asked why he's so caught up in that movie. She said that he's made his own films. Howard said that his dad is in it and they may not see eye to eye.
Howard said someone must have sent him that theme song. Robin said that it's not that good. Howard said they have people sending in stuff to the show all the time. He played one that someone sent in the other day. It was a little monotonous according to Howard.
Howard said he has had it explained to him about how to do it but he can't get it right. Tabitha said that you have to kiss it like you're kissing a mouth. She said you need full lips to do it right. Howard said his lips might be too thin. Howard asked about kissing the clitoris and how you do that. Tabitha said she hates porno kissing in her personal life. She said she doesn't want that in real life. Howard said the girls in porno are always using their tongue and flicking that thing. Tabitha said that's not the right way. She said that you have to make out with the vagina. Howard wrote down ''I need to be committed.''
Howard said he thinks he knows what he's been doing wrong. He said he works that thing over like a speed bag. Tabitha said she was going to cry for him. Howard said he thought they liked a lot of pressure on that thing. Tabitha said that's not the right way to do it. Howard said he thought the whole thing was to rub that thing.
Howard said even in the lesbian porn they take their fingers and rub it back and forth. Tabitha said that's what you do with the lips pressed together. She said that you don't do that right to the clit. Howard said he's been digging for gold. He had no idea. Howard said women are like Apple computers. They don't come with a manual. He said you can watch instructional videos though.
Howard asked Tabitha how Charlie met her. Tabitha said she had a friend who introduced her to him. She said she never talked about it before. Howard said it's basically prostitution. She said that it is and she waited for years before she did that. She said that other girls get right into it.
Howard asked if there were guys standing in the hall when she did him. She said it wasn't like that. She said that this woman told her that Charlie was super cool and she didn't have to worry. She said that Charlie was shooting a movie at the time and they were in a limo. She said they were in the snow and then she got to his place and it was very surreal. She said that Charlie had Platoon playing in his theater. She said that he was her crush when she was like 16.
Tabitha said that Charlie was very nice to her and said she was good looking and all of that. She said that she was there for about 12 hours. Howard said it sounds like she gave him the full girlfriend experience.
Tabitha said she didn't do any blow with him. She said that she may have smoked pot with him but that's about it. Howard asked if it hurt when Charlie said he had her when she was good looking. Tabitha said that he hasn't seen her in over 10 years so that's not fair of him to say. Tabitha said she posts pictures of herself topless all the time and she looks good. Howard said she is a very nice girl. He said he looked her up on YouPorn and they didn't have anything. She sent him a link through Gary so he could get on her web site and watch her stuff.
Howard said Tabitha is good to beat off to. He said she has a great body. Robin said she's a beautiful human being. Howard asked who cares about that?
Howard asked if Charlie had a big cock like he claims. Tabitha said that it was about 8 inches from what she remembers. Howard said he's just barely getting to 6 himself. He said that he has measured from his balls and he's barely 6.
Tabitha got in a plug for her web site TabithaStevens.com. She told Howard to follow her on Twitter too. Twitter told Howard that Pete backed out of doing that thing with her. Howard said he'll get into that later. He was going to do a porn with her and he decided against it.
Howard asked Tabitha if she was with Charlie just once or was it ongoing. She said it went on for a few months. She said she was the one who ended it. She said she had more fun hanging out with the guy than getting paid to hang out with him. She said she even helped sneak him out of the hospital once. She didn't live with him like Bree is doing.
Howard asked if she was getting more and more money. She said that she just did her time and ended it. Tabitha said that he wrote her a check once after yelling at a girl. He said that he told her to fill in the amount that she wanted. Charlie ended up getting mad and ripped up that check. Then he offered her another 10 grand. She said that he gave it to her as a birthday gift and that was the first check that started her on plastic surgery.
Howard asked how it all ended. She said that Charlie had gone to the hospital for gout in his foot and she went away while he was in the hospital. She said that Charlie's dad wanted him to go to rehab and they snuck him out of the hospital so they couldn't have him arrested. She said he went home and then he went into rehab later on. Tabitha said she didn't know about the drug thing or if she could visit him and he kind of changed after that. Howard thanked her for calling in and let her go a short time later. Howard said that Tabitha has a memory like an elephant.
Howard asked Benjy what he has on his desk that he doesn't use. He said he has a lot of electrical cords. Howard told him to just throw it all out.
Howard asked Benjy what he's so attached to in that apartment. Benjy said he knows that he shouldn't be attached but he is attached to everything in there. Howard said he should just throw it all out. Howard said if he can't do it then he'll go in there and do it for him. He said he's going to bring bags with him to throw stuff out in. Howard said he'll make all of the decisions for him. Benjy said he doesn't think that will work. Robin said that he'll agree to it but he won't do it.
Gary said that the guys told him that they went to his apartment and he keeps like every joke he's ever written and he doesn't catalog them. Howard said that's Benjy's job to write jokes for the show. He said that he should throw those boxes right in the garbage. He said he'll back him up and tell people that he writes for the show. He told him to throw it right out. Benjy said he wants to scan all of that stuff.
Howard said Jackie saves his jokes too. He said he should ask Jackie what he's doing with those jokes he scanned. He said he's doing nothing. Howard said Jackie had a flood in his house and he hung up all of those jokes to dry them out. He should have thrown them in the garbage.
Howard told Benjy to just put them in one folder and that's that. He said he guarantees that he could throw out 90 percent of his junk and he wouldn't even know it was gone.
Howard said he had a bunch of magazines he didn't read and he just threw them away. Benjy said he has no problem doing that. He said there are other things that he has a problem throwing out. He said he has thousands of things in his apartment. Howard told him to throw them all out. Lisa finished up her preview with a plug for tonight's Intern Show. They went to break after that.
Howard said he has to get Isaiah Mustafa on the phone. He said that he's the Old Spice guy and Kathy Griffin claimed that they had been dating for a couple of months. Then Isaiah was quoted as saying that he's single in an article. Howard said the whole thing is strange. He's making sure that everyone knows he's single. Howard said he feels bad for Kathy now. Gary said he emailed him and sent him a message on his cell phone so hopefully he'll call in.
Howard said there's a comic who died a couple of days ago and they say he was on the show. Howard said he didn't recognize him. Robin said he looked familiar. Gary said his name was Mike Destefano and he was never on the show. Howard said he saw the guy and he looked familiar to him. Howard got a note saying that he was on Miserable Men.
Gary said he was a really good guy. He said he came to him about doing a one man show. He was HIV positive and he had some really interesting stories. Gary said he got to know him pretty well. He died of a heart attack and he was only 44 years old.
Howard asked how he got HIV. Gary said he was a drug user. He said he was a good guy though. Gary said he won't go to the funeral but he will go to his memorial service. Robin met him back stage at Caroline's. She said she just remembered that.
Howard said he could never yell like those guys. He said he would blow out his voice. He said that they have to control themselves with that. He said that he gets jealous of some guys who can do that though. He said Brian Phelan is like that. He goes out and screams for a whole night while he's drunk. Robin said Tim does that too. Howard said Brian will shit in people's yards. Fred played a bunch of screaming clips from people like Sam Kinison and Tim Sabean who did a big ''Wooo Hooo!!!'' once. Robin said Jackie was like that too. Howard and Robin goofed on Jackie for a few minutes after Robin mentioned him. Robin said that Jackie and his wife would scream when Billy Joel would mention Oyster Bay during a show one time. Howard said he doesn't get why Jackie gets so excited.
Howard played more of the St. Patrick's Day interviews where everyone was screaming. Howard said it was like a convention of retards.
Howard said he had a clip of a drunk guy talking to the news. He asked JD where that was. Howard got the clip and in it this drunk guy was describing what was going on at some house fire. The guy sounded really out of it. The reporter asked about why he had so much to drink and if he was trying to forget about it. The guy said he had lived there his whole life. He said his mother smelled the smoke and he's just smart. He said it was a matter of time before that house friggin went up. He told the reporter that he knew why it went up. He said no one filled that oil tank all winter long. Howard said he could listen to this guy all day. The guy was rambling on and on about how he heard a kerosene explosion. He kept saying ''friggin'' a lot in that clip too.
Howard asked if anyone is shocked that this guy still lives with his parents. Robin wondered where that was from because they had a lot of time to talk to him. Howard said he's not sure but the guy issued a statement that he's not dating Kathy Griffin. Howard said he's going to issue one too. Robin said they have to get Isaiah on the phone. Howard said they're working on that.
Howard said there have been girls that he has dated that he needed to have a press conference about. He said that he feels bad for Kathy.
Howard played some of that interview and Ellen was trying to get Paris to talk about something but her answers were very short. She didn't have a lot to say to Ellen. She was telling her about a guy who is her hero because she was ''burglered'' and this guy helped her out. Howard said it's called being ''robbed.''
Howard said she kept her monotone the whole time too. He said you'd think that it would be more exciting than that. Howard said something wicked must have happened to her.
In another clip Paris was talking about her new show and what that's going to be about. Ellen asked if the cameras are following her all the time. Paris just mumbled a yes to her. Howard said there is no difference between when she's asleep and when she's awake. Howard said he could never just answer ''yes'' during an interview.
Howard replayed some of the answers Paris was giving because they were just short ''yes'' answers. Howard goofed on her about that for a few minutes. Howard said Ellen is like a yappy dog. He said she goes on and on. Howard said that Paris was claiming to be an entrepreneur and she's really not. She just sticks her name on things and people buy them. That's not being an entrepreneur.
Howard played more of the interview and Paris was talking about her fragrance lines and how she's got like 11 lines and 13 fragrances. Howard said when he sees that he thinks that it's going to fail. They always take off though. Robin said that Britney Spears put hers out when she was getting out of cars with no panties on. She said she wondered who would want to smell like her.
JD told Howard that in the last clip Paris talks about her app. It lets you take a picture of yourself and insert her into the picture. Howard said he saw that on Letterman. He said the app is like $2.99. Howard wondered if anyone is buying that.
Howard played the Ellen clip where she talked about Paris' app. She told Paris that it was a great idea. Howard said Ellen will kiss anyone's clit. He said that she wouldn't do that for him though. Paris also bragged that it was her idea to do the photo thing. Howard said that's like the most narcissistic thing to say.
Howard said they should have booed her off the stage on that show. Howard said she's lifeless. Robin said she's dead inside. Howard said that she's like a zombie. Ellen is just so pleased with herself that she keeps it going. Howard said he goes on shows and hates plugging but other people have no problem doing it. Howard said he has to get over that shame. He said he has to become a shameless whore. He said he doesn't even own the company and he's going out promoting it.
Howard played more of the audio and Paris announced that they had a deal for Ellen fans so they could get the app for just 99 cents. Howard said he's pretty sure he could cut and paste a picture of him with her. He said he actually has one. He sat next to her at a Knick game years ago. He said that she was on one side and Beth was on the other. He said Paris walked in and said hi to him and then said ''Hi gorgeous'' to Beth. He said that no one says that to a woman you don't know. He said she was judging her right there.
Howard said that Paris is an attractive woman. He said he'll give her that. He said that she's famous for being famous though. Robin said that it's like the Gabore sisters of this era.
Howard said he went to hang with Beth once and they went to a show to see Kylie Miogue or someone like that. Howard said it might have been her. He said it was an all gay audience and women. Howard said Paris walked into that show with about 15 people. They had seats in the same section but she refused to sit near him. Howard said he was glad. Beth had no idea what was going on. Howard said that he may have said some shitty stuff about her but he doesn't care. He said they're a bunch of no talent mother fuckers anyway. Howard said it was so silly. He doesn't care.
Howard said it's so weird being him because he can't even remember what he's said about people. He said that he says some shitty stuff though. Howard said he doesn't think about the consequences of what might happen. He said he's going to a wedding in April in California. Howard said he has to go out there to see his daughter too. He said they're going to go and it's a friend of theirs. He said the guy is successful and there might be a lot of celebrity types there. Howard said they go to dinner with this person often and he's going out a couple of weeks from now. Howard said he has a nice relationship with this person but he's not sure if they want their wedding announced.
Howard said that he was already going out to California when he got the invite to the wedding. He figured it would be a good time to go. Howard said he misses his daughter. He said everyone moves away. He's really bummed about that.
Charlie went on to read some insane sounding stuff. Howard said that Charlie is drinking something he calls Tiger Blood and he's not sure what it is. Charlie goes on and on reading his nutty stuff. Howard said that this reminds him of some movies that came out in the 80s where people were rambling like this. Howard said he saw one once where these pirate radio guys would play records that no one else would play. Howard said that some mutant must have written that.
Howard played more of Charlie's ramblings that made no sense to him. Howard said there was another clip where he rants against Les Moonves. He said he would like to hear that. Charlie was talking about some people he'd like to have over and he was rambling again. Howard said he just wanted to hear the Les part. Charlie's ramblings were boring Howard and Robin.
Howard wondered if that was poetry or was it prose. Robin said that he was trying to be poetic. Howard said he just wants him to fuck with Les but this isn't going to bring Les to his knees.
Howard said this reminds him of that Leelee Sobieski clip from the Tonight Show where she read her poetry after 9/11. He played that clip and did a mash up of the two rambling nuts. Howard said they're both nuts. Howard said no one has heard from that chick since.
JD told Howard that Charlie goes off on Chuck Lorre too. He said that was pretty brutal. Howard played that one next. Charlie was asking Chuck where he was hiding and if he was hiding behind his narcissism or his hatred of women. Howard found that pretty funny that Charlie Sheen is talking about someone's hatred of women. Charlie went off on Chuck Lorre and Howard said he was kind of getting into this now. Charlie was going on and on about how Chuck will be thinking about him when he's praying to the silly god of AA.
Howard said he had all of this written out. He said he must be scribbling like a mad man. Howard said he loses interest after writing two lines in his computer. Howard said Charlie is writing all of this on paper. They have to kill trees just so Charlie can write this down. Charlie goes on to rip into Chuck Lorre but Howard said he'd had enough. He said he had to take a break anyway. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and talked about how Mike Starr from Alice in Chains was found dead yesterday. He was on Celebrity Rehab last year. Howard said the guy reminded him of Artie in a way. He said that guy had a bad attitude though so that didn't remind him of Artie. Howard said they kept telling the guy he was going to die and now they've found him dead. Howard said he was 44 years old. Howard said they didn't announce how he died yet. You can guess though.
Howard tried taking a call but the guy wasn't there. Howard said he had some voice mail from Gary. He played the clip and it wasn't clear what it was at first. Howard said Gary almost deleted it until he realized what it was. It was Wendy the Retard.
Howard asked Robin if she would get an abortion if she knew she was going to have a retarded baby. Robin said she had to think about that for a minute. Howard said the baby would be the intelligence of Wendy. Robin said she's not sure she could get an abortion. Howard said he would push Robin down the steps because he knows she won't be able to handle it.
Howard said the woman who deserves money is Wendy's mom. He said that Wendy must be in her 30s now and that woman has had to put up with 30 years of that.
Robin said she watched the worst documentary over the weekend. She said that this artist hears from this girl who is painting from his photographs. He has this whole relationship with the family and they fall in love with each other. She said that the guy has this emotional relationship going with the girl but he can never meet her. Robin said that there was always a reason that they didn't meet. She said it turned out that it was a woman who was an artist and she had a daughter who she was pretending to be. The woman was sending him sex letters and stuff. Then she shows up at his front door and she's got two retarded children.
Howard said he doesn't get that. He said he can't understand doing something like that and needing to have friends on the internet.
Howard played a clip of Jeff the Drunk leaving a message for Gary about how he wants to be King for a Day in this contest they have coming up. Jeff says he's paid his dues there and he thinks he deserves it. He said he's done shit for them all the time and they haven't gotten monetary value in over a year and a half. Howard said he thinks they're cheap and they haven't paid him. Howard said they've given him over $3,000 in prizes and sex with porn stars.
Howard picked up on Jeff and said he's so pathetic. He said they go through this every time. Jeff said that he's Tweeting now.
Howard played more of Jeff's voice mails. In one Jeff said that he calls in to be part of the show and he asks questions and all of this. He said it's frickin bullshit that they treat him like shit. Jeff was going off on Howard and everyone on the show getting all pissed off at them. Howard said that was Wendy and Jeff calling in.
Robin wondered if Gary is really the Techno Beaver or is Jon. Howard said that Jon used to run a Mac thing and he's not sure what he's doing there. Jon said he ran a company that was a consulting firm for Macs. Jon said he taught people how to use programs and stuff. He said he worked for Sony to teach their people how to use the software. Howard asked Jon if he could teach him. Jon said they can talk about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he doesn't eat 100 percent organic food if he's so worried about his health. Howard said the organic thing is bullshit anyway. He said that he would break the law and just stick a sticker on his stuff if he was a farmer. Robin said he can't do that because there are regulations. Howard said that there are a million things that can kill you in your environment. Howard said the guy on the phone has a cell phone against his head. The caller said he knows that and that's why he eats healthy.
Robin said that eating in Thailand was so much better than eating here. Howard said she was at a 5 star resort run by Americans. The caller wanted to ask something else but Howard hung up on him.
Robin started her news talking about how Hitler is getting his own TV show. It's going to be on HBO. That got Howard and Fred doing their Stuttering John impressions where they had him introducing Hitler and his guests. Robin gave Howard some details about that.
Robin said that Yoko Ono is on the dance charts with a remix of one of her songs. Howard wondered how that is happening. He said that she's always up to something. He said you'd think she was bigger than the Beatles. Howard played some of that awful song. Robin said that people must take a lot of drugs in the clubs these days. That led to Howard playing the top 5 songs.
Howard read an article about how talk radio is fake now. Howard read about how they have this service where they have paid voice actors call into radio shows so they don't sound stupid like the usual callers. Howard said he needs that too.
Robin read about a postal worker that fell 10 feet to her death through a porch as she was making a delivery. She fell 10 feet and died. She ended up under a 500 pound slab of concrete.
Robin read about a guy who went out to rob a home and the owner returned as the guy was taking a shower. The robber panics so he calls 9-1-1. Robin had the audio of the 9-1-1 call. Howard said this is great and said he had to hear that. The guy admits he broke into the house and the operator sounds shocked that he just admitted that. Robin gave Howard some more details about the guy and how he was arrested eventually.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's up with Rustybox (Kathy Griffin). He said that he seems to have her on very frequently. Howard asked the guy what was going on in his house. He heard noises from a baby. The guy said it was his daughter. Howard said he likes Kathy and he likes having her on the show. The caller said that's fair enough but she's on an awful lot. Howard told him to go tend to his daughter.
Robin read a story about a woman who fell over a 26th floor railing and died. Robin said she was at a party and she wasn't paying attention to what she was doing and off she went. Howard said he's so careful that he would never even go close to a railing like that. Howard said he will never be shot by pirates because he'll never go on a boat. He said he avoids anything like that.
Robin read a story about a guy, Jeffrey Epstein, who did some time for ripping people off and now the guy is in the press again for possibly being around during President Clinton's time with mistresses. There was a bunch of other high profile people that he was involved with and they're getting into trouble for being his friend.
Robin read a story about a guy who is being sued for sodomizing a woman on her 18th birthday. Howard ended up talking about this Mike Tyson documentary show that he was watching. He said that it was okay but they do a lot of build up for nothing. Howard said they kept talking about how he's into pigeons and it was one pigeon story after another. He said he's done with the show now. He never saw what he was hoping to see in that show. Robin had some audio of Mike talking about his grief over his daughter's death and how he handled that.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that they get Steven Tyler to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Howard said they should have him replace everyone.
King of All Blacks called in and asked Howard if he ever looks at a young 15 year old and gets turned on. Howard said you might see a girl not knowing how old she is and get turned on. He said that once you know she's 15 you have to think about how you wouldn't touch her. He said there are so many beautiful women out there 18 and above that you have to be nuts to risk losing your sanity and freedom by being with a 15 year old. Howard said you just beat off and the urge will go away. He said that you come to a conclusion when you cum so that's why they call it cumming.
King told Howard that he bought a couple of pairs of True Religion jeans recently. Howard said he has John Varvatos jeans and he loves them. They have so few around that he can't find more. King said that he could find them for him but he's not going to go through that shit with Gary again. King told Howard to check out Laguna Beach jeans. He said that they're expensive but Howard doesn't want to be in cheap jeans. Howard said he looks bad in jeans and he has to find the jeans that look good on him. He said it's not that easy for him. Robin said he's nuts. Howard said he has some great jeans that he loves. He said they're black cargo jeans and they're great. King asked how he keeps them black because it's not easy. Howard said he just washes them. He said he's going to buy a bunch of them so he doesn't run out.
Howard said he figures he'll be around another 25 years so he's going to ask John Varvatos to send him enough to last that long. He's thinking ahead. He wants to get more from Varvatos but they don't have them yet. He's been waiting months for them to get more. They went to break after that.
After the break, around 9:45am, Robin had just gotten back from eating so Howard asked her about what she was eating. She told Howard she had vegetables and rattled off the list of things that were in what she was eating. Howard told her to go ahead and he won't interrupt. Robin said she didn't have time to finish it. She said she told the kids last night and said there is no such thing as breakfast food and they can eat vegetables at any time.
Robin said the push is on to replace Charlie Sheen. Robin said that Ronnie said he's one of a kind and they're talking about John Stamos and some others. Rob Lowe may be the lead person in the running for the job. Howard said the chimpanzee that ripped the woman's face off might be a good one. Howard said Andy Dick is edgy and out of control. Robin said he has to be a womanizer. Howard said Andy can womanize or man-ize. Robin said that Rob is on Parks and Recreation and on Californication right now. Howard said they could get Emilio Estevez.
Robin said the Pope is going to be appearing on an Italian radio network on April 2nd. She said he will answer just 3 questions that are submitted to the show. It's going to be pre-taped too. Robin also mentioned that 21 priests in the Philadelphia area were suspended on suspected sexual abuse. Robin said she figured they would have gotten them all out before now. Howard said that it doesn't just end like that. Robin said that they took the action last month when they were accused of decades of cover ups. Howard jokingly said he heard that the pope is coming out with an app for the priests where they can take a cell phone picture and insert a young boy into the picture.
Robin read about a new bill that would set the minimum age for a driver to be 18. Robin said they want to restrict learner's permits for anyone under the age of 16. Howard said that most young men want to drive cars but not him. He said the first guy driving was fine in class. Howard said that the next guy went and he was okay. Howard said he had no idea how to put the key in or put it in drive or anything. Howard said all of the other kids were perfect. He said that the girl in the class was better than all of them. Howard said he had no idea what to do. The teacher read him the riot act. He said he thought it was for learning to drive but the guy told him he was going to flunk. Howard said he went home and told his dad that he had to teach him and he wasn't happy. He said that all he did was yell at him the whole time. He did the impression of his father yelling at him about everything he did wrong.
Howard said he bets that Gary has already taught his kids how to drive. He said his father never would have done that. Howard said he and his father never did anything like that. Howard said he went into driver's ed blind. Howard said Dr. Lou's dad would let him pull the car into the garage and things like that. Howard said his dad would just tell him to do stuff without telling him how. Then he's get mad at him if he did it wrong. Howard said his parents ignored him. He said his mom would tell him about her life and his dad would come home and tell him to shut up.
Gary said they don't have driver's ed up in Connecticut. He said he's been teaching his son to drive and he has to show him how to parallel park and stuff like that. Howard said his daughter has driver's ed in school.
Robin read some more about this new bill about the driving age. She also had a story about the U.S. and England getting together to talk about what to do about what's going on in Libya.
Robin read about Quincy Jones aligning with the UAE and creating a group called Global Gumbo Group. Robin read about what their plans are to attract artists to collaborate. Howard said he thinks that will be kaput in less than a year.
Robin read about a conference on bullying that's going on. Robin said that this is Howard's line of expertise. Howard said he was asked to come up so they can beat the shit out of him. Howard said he has been bullied his entire life. Robin said the conference is set to start tomorrow and President Obama is supposed to be there with his wife. Howard said he thought school was a place to go to get verbally and physically abused.
Robin read a story about Green Day's American Idiot play box office is trailing off now that Billy Joe Armstrong isn't in it. Robin said they have trailed off from 3 million to around $360,000.
Robin read about Gwyneth Paltrow taking her singing into real life and she's signed with Atlantic to do a country album. Howard said she seems to have a run of luck with anything she does. Howard said it would be cool if she embraced the whole lifestyle and became racist and started wearing the big hat and all of that.
Robin read about Charlie Sheen and how he's winning in the social media. He's the most buzzed in 2011 so far. Robin said he's also irritating some people. Robin said that there's an add on for some browsers that will allow you to block out any mention of Charlie.
Robin read a story about a guy who has been going to the movie ''Rango'' and laughing like Robert De Niro during the movies. The cops had to be called to take him out of the theater. Robin said the guy was swearing during the movie.
Robin had some audio of Aaron Eckhart talking about his new movie. That didn't last long. Howard said he's hard to take. Robin had some audio of Seth Green talking about his new movie. Howard let that one play for a few seconds before cutting it off.
Robin had some audio of Virginia Madsen talking about the new ''Red Riding Hood'' movie. Howard let that one play for a few seconds before he bailed on that.
Robin said that there is no live American Idol tonight. They taped this episode on Tuesday. Robin said a FOX rep says that they've done this before. They claim they did this as a timing thing. Robin had some audio of one of the contestants talking about working with Jennifer Lopez. Howard let that play for about 2 seconds.
Robin read about Hoboken moving their St. Patrick's Day Parade to a weekday instead of a weekend. She had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read about Ben Affleck going up in front of Congress to talk about what's going on in the Congo. Robin had some audio of him speaking there. They spent a minute talking about that and then ended the show around 10:15am.
Jon said this is a volunteer thing and he doesn't understand why he has to deal with this bullshit. Gary said that he's pretty sure he's the first person to not get the vote in that town. He said he has to double check on that but he thinks that's the case. Gary said he doesn't have to go to the meeting on Monday. He said Steve can go and let him know how it goes.
Benjy asked if the people who voted against him are in the final vote. Gary said they are but there are 230 votes. Gary said they think that 190 will show up but Jon is thinking that everyone will show up for this vote. Gary said he just needs the simple majority to get in. He said that he thinks that they go around the room taking votes.
Robin came in and asked Benjy if he could have someone else make the decisions for him. Benjy said he has done that. He did that when he went to a shrink. He said that he told this woman that he has trouble picking one out and she picked one for him. Benjy said that he had a fantasy about sleeping with his therapist and the therapist told him she would not do that. She was like 80 years old.
Benjy said that he thinks that he'd be better opening up to a woman who is older than him. He's not sure why. Robin said that it's all something he should be addressing in his therapy.
Gary said he knew a guy who had an apartment next to Bill Cosby's and the guy had antique watches in various states of repair on the floor. He just couldn't finish them or get them out of the apartment.
Benjy said that he has problems with his food bills because he just collects them and doesn't get back to people.
Robin said that she has some piles of things and her people don't know what she wants to keep so they just pile it up. Robin said if she doesn't know what it is then she wants it thrown out. Robin said she used to keep Playbills but then she wondered where to keep them and stopped .
Gary said he threw out a lot of stuff when he moved. He said that his office is a mess right now though. He has pictures to hang, DVDs to watch and a bunch of stuff he has to categorize and he can't get to any of it.
Robin and Gary talked about what a mess Howard used to be with his office. Now he has people to help him organize and he's not so bad.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks the opposite of what Robin was saying. He said he thought he came off well yesterday and today. He said he was just taking it well and laughing about it all. He said he wanted more Ronnie stories. Gary asked if he thinks it's creepy to say you think your daughter in law is hot. The guy said of course it is.
The caller said that Ronnie's stories were great. Robin said they were good. The guy said that he thinks Ronnie has rubbed one out to the daughter in law. He said there's no question about that. Gary said Ronnie claims she has never made the mix. They went to break after that.
Gary and Ronnie talked about how they went to a place on the way to Albany too. Gary asked Ronnie why he wasn't with the rest of the guys and why he was with Robin that night. Ronnie said that he was with the guys for a while but he left to go have dinner with Robin. Ronnie said he spoke to Neil Drake yesterday and he told him to say hi to Robin.
Jon asked if Ronnie and Robin still hang out. Robin said she doesn't go to strip clubs and that's where Ronnie eats now.
Gary asked when Ronnie first got laid. Ronnie said it was about 15. He said one story Howard didn't ask about was when he would hang out with his real first girlfriend and make out on the couch. He said his parents owned a business so they were home alone a lot. Robin said this is what's going on at home while parents are working.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is a great asset to the show but he's got two personalities. He said he thinks that he's getting the two confused and he's worried. Robin said there seems to be no other Ronnie now. He is the guy who is out opening up Rick's clubs now.
Robin brought up the time Howard got into bicycle riding. Gary said that Howard ordered a really expensive bike and by the time it came, he was done with bike riding. Robin said that it took months to get the bike and Howard hated it. She said that the bike sat and got dust on it. Robin said he wanted to master it over night and it didn't happen so he was done with it.
Gary said they started using computers in the late 80s and in 1990 or so Howard was trying to pick between Apple and PC. He said he did some research and Apple didn't give him enough love so they went with PCs. Now he's getting into Apple. Robin said she thinks it has to do with the photography. She said it's easier to do on Apple than on PC.
Gary said his computer died in November and he went to Apple because of that. He said his wife has been using Apples since 1982 so she was mocking him when he finally got one. They spent a minute talking about that and then took another break.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he would like them not to have Robin on the Wrap Up Show. He said it's enough of her already. Robin said she's hardly ever there. Jon said he invited her in today.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he lives in the Napa area and he wanted to go to Robin's 15 Foundation gathering but there's no information on her web site. Robin said they'll have it up in the next couple of weeks. The guy was also asking if she needs any volunteers. Robin told the guy to write to her through the web site if they need any volunteers.
Gary brought up how Robin gave a bunch of money to some charities yesterday. Robin talked about what that was like and how great the kids were. Gary said they went and did a thing with Curtis and Lisa Sliwa once and they had to have a bunch of Guardian Angels watching over Robin's car than were watching anything else. Robin said she's known for doing things like that. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about He was up all night again. He said He might not be delightful today. Howard said all of his technology is backfiring on him. He said Robin was wrong about him on the Wrap Up Show too. He said He didn't change to Apple because of his photography. He said his computers were crashing all the time and his laptop batteries weren't lasting. He said that's why He changed.
Robin asked Howard if his TiVos are tied into his computer. Howard said they're not. He said He was up at 1 in the morning and wasn't able to get his email. He said He couldn't get it on his iPad either. He said it turns out it was his Time Warner cable. Fred said He had a feeling Howard was going to mention that. He said it's still out now.
Howard said He has a back up T1 line but He wasn't able to get to that either. Fred said the internet access is just gone from Time Warner. Robin said she didn't go on so she didn't know that.
Howard said He thought He had a failsafe of his android phone. He said the phone bombed out too. He said Jon fixed it again but all of his technology failed him last night. He wasn't able to get anything on his computer or his phone. So much for his new system. It wasn't actually his system though. It was the cable that failed his computers.
Howard said He loves coffee table books and someone sent him a new one. He said He has a few around the house. This new one is a 15 pound Bob Dylan coffee table book. He didn't look through it yet but He saw it in the box. He said that's pretty extensive. He asked Gary what it costs. Howard said he'll display it at home. Gary wasn't getting back to him about the cost. Howard asked again. Howard said that He should put out a 35 pound book. He's always thought the fans would like a book like that.
Howard said Beth has told him that his photography is getting really good and she wants him to shoot her next cover. He said He told her he's not available. Howard said she can look at a picture and see things that are wrong. He said she's really good at that. Howard said He doesn't even notice the stuff she does. He said some people have an eye for that. Howard said He will come out with a 35 pound book and it'll be the size of a small child.
Howard said He thought Charlie Sheen did his last radio show the other night but last night He was on again. He said He wants a dog now so He called a dog breeder live on the air. Howard played some audio of Charlie calling a guy about this dog thing. It turned out it was a prank call the guys made to a dog seller using clips of Charlie. They had Charlie giving the guy all kinds of wacky information until the guy eventually hung up.
Howard said Charlie was back on the Dan Patrick show. Howard said He thought they were nice with him but he's apparently not doing the show again. Howard said He likes Dan Patrick. He was pretty good with Charlie. He asked Charlie if He was okay.
Howard played some of that audio and Dan was asking Charlie if He was okay. Charlie was saying he's better than okay, ''I'm me!'' Howard said He read that he's thinking that He needs help because he's mentally ill. He's not sure if that's true or not.
Howard played more of the Dr. Laura doll comments. He said that it's sickening to him. He said He has to know who is buying this doll. He said He has to see the sales figures for this thing. He played another clip of her talking about how she's the proud mother of a soldier. Howard said He didn't know that. He said the kid He likes. He doesn't like Dr. Laura.
Howard played some more of the clips and Fred threw in a Tracey Millman ''Fuck you'' after one comment. Howard kept playing her long comments and said He wanted to smack her head into the fucking thing. He said He could probably break it by hitting it on his board. He tapped it a few times and the foot fell off. Howard said it must have been made in China.
Howard wondered if it had tits under the jacket. He pulled it up and said that there is a nice flat belly. He checked out the vagina area too. Howard played some more of the audio clips and took off her clothes. He needed scissors to get the clothes off. Howard said she did have titties. He said they were C-cups. He said she looked kind of hot. Robin said they should leave her on the set just like that. Howard said she has an asshole. There was nothing by the ''vagine.'' He left her shirt half off with her asshole sticking out. He bent her over so she was taking it from behind too.
Howard played some more of her dopey comments. Howard said they were so important that they had to put them in a doll.
Howard said J-Lo can't sing half as good as those kids. Howard said she has a career. Howard said Avril Lavigne was up there the other day and she's fun to watch. Howard said He was walking out and He saw her there in one of the studios. Howard said He saw this studio packed and saw Avril in there. Howard said Ronnie told him that it was her in there. Howard said He wondered why she wasn't doing her show.
Robin said she heard Avril had a lot of attitude. She said she was on Sirius Hits 1. Robin said they told her that she had a lot of ''tude.'' Robin said it was Nicole that told her that.
Robin said she saw Avril's new video and she's doing all of these photo shoots where she's all glammed up. In the video she gets out of bed in panties and bra. Howard asked what the song is. Robin wasn't sure what it was. Howard said she should have asked him to do the shoot with her. He said if He knew she was in the studio He would have walked in.
Howard said He walks around there and it's always a surprise. He said that's one thing about that place that He likes. He said sometimes it annoys him but other times it's cool. He said He ran into Kevin Costner up there and He pulled him into a room to have a discussion with him. He said He can't remember what He had to talk about though.
Howard said K-rock was like the slums and no one would go there. He said the place was always dirty. He said his mom told him that after they left. He said that He thought about just how dirty it was.
Howard said that He had to sneak out of there once when this person was there. Howard said He didn't want to say on the air who it was. Howard said He had to keep that quiet. Howard said the guy is a lovely guy but He didn't want to talk to him. Howard said after He does a show like this He just wants to get out of there. Howard said He has meetings and stuff after the show and He wants to get out.
Howard said Beth got home last night around 11 and He saw her when He got up around 1. Howard said Beth thinks that he's too busy and he's frenzied with everything he's doing. Howard said she told him to give up something. Howard said He can't give up the gym. He's getting paid to do his job there and He can't stop with that. He said he's just busy all the time.
Howard said He can't be a douche when people say hello there. He said He keeps walking and waves to people. He said He did that to the guy from Simon Lebon. He said that He kept walking and felt bad later when He found out who it was. He said that He was probably feeling like crap. Howard said Heath Ledger humiliated him in front of Beth once. He said that He never goes up to another table but they had just seen Brokeback Mountain and He wanted to say hello. Howard said that's the movie where Heath got fucked in the ass. Robin said she never thinks of that movie like that. She said she thinks of it as a love story.
Howard said those guys were hard core in that movie. Gary said that the one scene that was bad was when Jake Gylenhaal's character spits in his hand to rub it on his dick. Robin and Howard were grossed out by that.
Howard said that He was trying to impress Beth by saying hello to Heath Ledger. He said He figured he'd walk up to the table but Heath gave him the big blow off. He said they were in a heavy conversation at the time so He felt like a dick. Howard said that's why He tries to be gracious when guys come up to him with girls on their arms. Howard said Heath called him later and apologized. He said that He still felt like a humiliated douche bag. Howard said He ran downstairs and told Beth about that.
Gary told Howard that He has a weird issue with celebrities in the hall. He said that he'll pass on a guest on a Tuesday and that guest will be out in the lobby the next day. He said that's really weird and uncomfortable. He said He has to run through the gauntlet on his way to the Wrap Up Show. Gary said that people will ask to get on that day and He just can't do it. Gary said He ran into a guy who used to be on the show a lot and the guy said that they hadn't called him in 10 years.
Howard said He doesn't like doing these late night shows but if He called and they said they didn't want him then he'd be okay with it. He said He knows that they just don't want him. Gary said there are other things that go on there. He said that people make a connection with Howard in the studio and when they leave they think that they can come back anytime since Howard has told them to do that. Gary said a lot of people think they're friends of Howard's and they're really not.
Gary said He worked his ass off to get this one person on the show and she ended up bad mouthing him behind his back. Howard pretended that it was Gary that kept her off the show. That was Linda Blair.
Howard asked Big Black where he's living and where he's been. Big said that he's pretty big now and people are scared of him. He said he's like 250 pounds and 6'1'' tall. He said that he's too big. Robin asked if He feels like He blew his potential. He said He has done zero with his life and He does feel that way. Howard said he's the most underachieving mother fucker on the planet.
Gary said that Big Black told him that He was on unemployment for 60 weeks. Howard asked how He pays for his apartment. He said He uses a section 8 thing for homeless people. He said they pay for his apartment and He just has to pay $150 a month.
Howard said the guy is capable and He has managed to devote his life to doing nothing. He said He was making YouTube videos for a while. He was doing those to get himself out there to get people to see his talents.
Howard asked Big Black where He was working and found out He was a security guard at Yankee Stadium and stuff like that. He was also on unemployment. He said that he's got neighbors that run around all night. He said that there are people that get shot out there in his area too. He said it's not good. Big said He has some water bugs in his apartment but didn't complain about cockroaches. He said He has a TV and a computer. Howard said this guy hasn't worked in how many years and he's got all of this stuff.
Gary asked when He last had a 40 hour a week job for more than a few weeks. Big said that was way back in 1996. Big said he's ashamed that he's almost 50 and He has nothing in his life. He said He did have the Stern Show in there though.
Big said that He was living on the A train for a while. He said He had it tough for years. Robin said He was living from one credit card to another.
Howard asked if he's ever applied for a job that uses his brain and intelligence. Big said that He tried but He was only able to get a job as a salesman at Alexander's. He said that He was thinking about going to graduate school but He didn't do that. Big said He just dropped out instead.
Howard asked when He last had a woman. He said that it's over for him. He said his life is shot. He hasn't had a girl in decades.
Howard asked if he's ever had a girlfriend. Big Black said He hasn't but He has gotten laid... about once. Howard asked if He looks at girls and wants them. Big said He does but not that bad. Howard said his attitude is so lax. He's such a slacker. Big said that if He had to live with a girl and she had to go to the bathroom he'd be turned off.
Howard asked when He last spoke to him. He said that it was before they left for satellite. Howard asked how He got laid that one time. Big said that He was working for the phone company and the girls liked his voice. He said that a woman would talk to him and He got to meet her but it was like a Herman Munster kind of thing. He said she was like a 7 on a scale of 10. He said she would always blow him off after that one time.
Howard said it's good He got to experience it at least that once. Howard asked if He keeps in touch with his parents. He said that they don't talk to him. Big said He doesn't want to deal with them so it's his fault. He said He has a sister too and He has no idea how she's doing. Howard said He talks to them more than He talks to his own family.
Howard asked Big if He has any friends. He said He doesn't have any right now. He used to be friendly with David Peel and Melrose Larry. He said He spends most of his time listening to radio and watching TV. Robin said He used to tape TV for them and there was some talk of him being their JD but that never happened.
Howard had King of All Blacks on the phone too. King got on and said that He loves this. He asked if He still has that jelly butt that He had. Big said He does. Howard said King used to goof on him all the time. Big said maybe He and King can do a show on Sirius. Howard said he'd be up for that. Big asked what happened to his TV show. Howard asked what He thinks happened.
King asked why his parents don't like him. King said his parents love him. Big said things were going so nice and now He has King on him. King anted to ask more questions and Big didn't want to deal with it. King asked what He does when He wakes up. He wants to see what he's wearing and things like that. Howard said that He can't be styling much. Big said He has jeans and a t-shirt. King just laughed.
Howard asked Big what He wears for jeans. He said He has grey knit pants. He said He wears his security guard pants. King asked if He wears them when he's out and about. He said He does. King said that they're so cheap that He can't wait to take his off. Big said he's not really going out anywhere so He doesn't need to get dressed up.
King said that He wears nice jeans but they're not all that fancy. Howard told king He wanted to talk to Big Black. He was going to let him go but then He talked about how Big would never do that job that King does. King just laughed. Big Black said He wants to be in entertainment. Howard said the guy needs to get a life.
King told Big that he's going to make $100,000 this year. Big just said ''fuck you.'' Howard said that Big could have done the same thing. He blew it. Howard let King go after that.
Howard asked Big if He would like to know if his parents are still alive. He said He thinks about that once in a while. He said He just wants to be left alone though.
Big Black told Howard He did a Justin Bieber video on YouTube and it got 2 million hits. He said He bleeped out a Justin Bieber video to make it sound like He was cursing.
Wheels called in and said that this guy is a waste of life. Big gave him a fuck you too. Wheels told him to go jump in front of the 5 train. Big told him to go work so He can pay for his apartment. Howard said that Big has a point. Wheels is working for him. Wheels asked Gary why he's not jumping on this. Gary said this all kind of speaks for itself.
Gary said that Big Black doesn't call there asking for money every 5 minutes. Gary asked Big how long it would take for someone to know he's dead. He doesn't have anyone in his life that would be worried. He said He doesn't even have any pets other than his pet water bugs.
Big said that He can go for months without speaking to someone. He stays in his apartment all the time unless He has to go out for something. He said he's been making videos and watching TV, going on the internet and stuff like that. Howard asked if he's had any happy moments lately. He said He made a Jets video and He was happy when He finished that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to get these two guys on a show together. Howard asked Big if he's up for that. He said he'd do it. Howard said He would have to do it with King of All Blacks. Big said he's up for it. Howard said he'll give it a shot and see how it goes.
Gary asked Big Black about what happened when He came in for the job interview. Big said the guy ho interviewed him got turned off. It was Tom Gesimondo who interviewed him. Gary said that He remembers now and Tom was really weirded out by him. Big Black said He tried. Howard said He didn't try hard enough apparently. Gary said He remembers how He wasn't able to look at anything on him but the ridges in his head.
Howard took another call form a guy who said He could have become a cop and made $125,000 a year. Big said He tried out for that but they didn't want him. Howard told Gary to get King of All Blacks on the phone to see if he's available to do a show.
Another caller said they should get Big Black's parents on the show. Big said He doesn't want to do that. Big Black got in a plug for his YouTube channel which is at TheRealBigBlack.
Howard got King back on the line and asked if he's up for doing a show. King said he's good to go. He said he's down with it and He can do a show at night. He goofed on Big Black for a short time after that. He was making fun of the way He talks and the clothes He wears. King was just laughing at him the whole time. He said He knows what kind of jeans He wears. He said He must wear Wrangler jeans. He said they're the worst out there.
King said that guys who put their glasses case in their pocket are the guys who wear the Wranglers. Howard said he'd set this thing up and get them to do this show. He gave Big Black a plug for his YouTube and King got in a plug for his Twitter account at @AskTheKing. King goofed on Big about his flip phone and bragged about his Galaxy S phone. Big said He pays like 12 bucks a month for his phone. King said his father gave him like $700 last night.
Howard had to wrap up after that. Howard said they'll see them on their own show soon. King said He had a name for the show but He wanted to save it as a surprise.
Howard let the guys go and talked about how calm Big is for a guy in that kind of financial trouble. Robin said He could never work. He sounds like He could but it would never happen. They went to break as short time later.
Howard came back and said it's hard to turn off a song like that. Howard said He listens to the replay of the show at times and He wants the song to stay on. Howard said He was in the car yesterday and He was liking that ''Fist Pump'' song He played. Howard said He was sorry He cut it off. He said He figured the audience wouldn't want to hear it. Howard played the song again. It's a remake of a song that they changed to include Howard Stern's name. Howard said He was in his car wanting more of that. Robin just said ''Wow.''
Howard said he's looking for a portable DVD player. He said that he's going to have his iPad and a DVD player. He said he's not going to download stuff. He said that he's going to get a little light one. He said that's the way to do it. Robin said she does that. Howard told Robin to get the iPad and do what He does. Robin said she has an iPad but she doesn't know how to use it.
Howard said He wasn't even able to get an email out yesterday. He said He may go over to the Apple store and take some lessons. Robin said they don't have them at all times of the day. She said she won't go there at 4 o'clock on a Saturday. Howard said He doesn't know what's up with Robin. She said that they have iPad classes from 4-5. She said they should stagger them.
Howard said He has to go look at some DVD players. He wants to go to this place called Adoramis but He can't get down there during the week. He said he's not sure what he's going to do. He said He has to see the thing in person before he'll buy it. Howard said He doesn't know what the best brand is. Robin said you do the research online and then go buy it. Howard said He can't get on the internet because his service is down.
Howard said Ralph is actually a big help to him. He said He found him a DVD player but it had a 14 inch screen. He said that's too big for him.
Robin said that she isn't letting people into her apartment with her cat being sick. She said that the cat is immune suppressed right now. She would have Ralph come over if the cat was okay.
Howard said He opened up this box that Jimmy sent to him and it took like 20 minutes to open. He said He hired an artist to paint a picture of him and Beth and the dog. He said that the guy painted the picture and they looked at it and it was horrible. He said that Jimmy told him that it was his favorite artist in the whole world. Howard said they looked at it and his legs are as thick as water balloons. He said it didn't even look like a real person. Beth had some kind of kerchief in her hair and she looked retarded. He said He told Robin about this because Jimmy was coming over and they were only hanging it so he'd see it there. Howard said He loves Jimmy and He wanted to show him He appreciated it. Howard said He and Beth hated it.
Howard said He figured it was a goof. He said there's no way you'd look at this painting and think it was good. Howard said He didn't want to insult the artist so He didn't bring it on the air. Howard said when Jimmy comes over to the house like once or twice a year they bring it out and hang it. He said they have it up in the attic the rest of the time. Howard said they hang it next to the guest room. Howard said He told Jimmy that they get more enjoyment out of that picture. Meanwhile they just hung it up 3 minutes before.
Robin said the painting really was bad. She wondered what it was when she saw it. Howard said there are people in Jimmy's life who think that he's nuts. Howard said Jonathan Brandmyer told him that he'd pay him $4,000 just to see it. Howard said Jimmy paid 4 grand for it but last night He heard from Jimmy that it was a lot more than 4 grand. Howard said He feels like a real shit now. Robin said it was a great bit on Jimmy's show though. Howard said he's going to end up smashing that picture or ripping it up or something. Howard said Jimmy is a great guy and He feels bad. He said the guy just doesn't have taste in art.
Steve said the police have closed the case on the package of fecal matter in Colleen Jenkins' mailbox. She claims that the Postmaster is on the case but when they asked about that the post office said they had no information on it.
Howard said that Steve gets all of the hard hitting stories from the news department. Howard asked what Shuli does. Steve said he's on the Wack Pack stories and things like that. Howard said that they're doing good news reporting back there.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric is on Twitter now and He recently said He was going to stab someone's throat and break his f'ing teeth. Howard said that sounds like something he'd follow. He asked if Eric can spell and type. Steve said He apparently can. Shuli is on that story. Howard said that He might follow him.
Howard said He had Bobo on the phone and his question was ''Will you have Billy Joel back on the show?'' Howard said that's the most idiotic question ever. He said of course he'll have him back on. Gary said that Bobo calls in so much that he's on two lines. Howard told Bobo that his question is ridiculous. Bobo said that Billy is coming out with a book this summer so He wondered if he'd have him in for that. Howard said He has plans of putting him on. He said if He calls he'll put him on. Bobo wanted Jimmy's painting for his shrine. Howard said he's not giving it up. Steve wrapped up his news preview after that.
Howard said He saw his ex Angie Everhart topless in a movie recently. He said He likes having ex-girlfriend's on the show. He said that He recognized Angie's boobs when He saw them in that movie ''Take Me Home Tonight.''
Howard said He liked Jimmy Kimmel when He was all fat and had black circles under his eyes. He said he's starting to shape up and He doesn't like that. Howard said he's looking too good these days.
Howard said John Stamos wanted to go to dinner last night but He wasn't able to make it. He said He heard that they were going to hang with the Olsen twins. He said He would have liked that. He said that he's attracted to Ashley. Not so much with Mary Kate. He said if He was single he'd be going out with Ashley and be friends with Mary Kate. He said he'd try to do what He could for her like introduce her to his friends. He said they could have their way with her. Howard said he'd set her up with Big Black.
Howard said He had to take another break after that. He said that people have been complaining that He does the live commercials at the end of the show and he's not sure when he'd do them if it's not then. Howard said He heard that Sarah is in a new movie nude. Robin said it might be on On Demand. Howard said He heard that Sarah was there to promote her paperback book. He said that she got upset with the publicists who didn't get them a book the last time she was there. He said with the Paperback they didn't get them either. Howard said they sent over copies of the book last night. That's the wrong time to send the books. They should give them a week. They went to break after that.
After the break we heard a prank call Sal made to a guy using the name ''Iama Cocksucka.'' Fred also played Daryl Hall ''Sara Smile'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and sang along to the song for a few seconds. He said he'd be a great back up singer. She told him to sing the same song that Daryl was singing. Howard said He was doubling up the chorus. Howard said he's not doing it like He did on the record. He said He loved when He did it live in the studio there. Robin said He has a show on now called Daryl's House.
Howard had Sarah Silverman come in after that. He said He was just watching her on a show. He said she looked good today. He said she's wearing a mini-skirt. Sarah wished Gary luck with his vote on Monday when she came in.
Howard said He saw Sarah on an old episode of Saturday Night Live. He said she's got a great stand-up routine and she's so good at what she does. He said that she didn't get to do anything on Saturday Night Live. He asked if that haunts her. She said it doesn't. She said she never got a sketch she wrote on the air. She said she would submit sketches and they never made it. She said she read them all recently and they really were terrible. Sarah was a featured performer on the show but she didn't get to do her own stuff. Sarah said she didn't even know who she was comedically back then. She said she's surprised she even got on the show.
Howard said Gilbert Gottfried was on the show too and He wouldn't do his impressions or anything on the show. He said He didn't do anything to propel himself into the spotlight. He asked Sarah if she has any regrets about her years on there. Sarah said she was only on for a year and she was very young. She said she was like 21. Howard said that was some break to get. She said she had one eyebrow back then and had a weird way of speaking.
Howard asked how she got the job. Sarah said they came to see her do stand-up and they asked her to come to a meeting. She said that they may have been looking for girls to work on the show. She said it did get her a job and she did add a lot writing wise. Will came in and handed Howard a note and Sarah asked ''What's that!?'' like she was afraid of what it was. It was just her plug.
Howard said He follows Sarah on Twitter (@SarahKSilverman) and He wondered if she does them herself. Sarah said she does. Howard asked if she spends hours doing it. Sarah said it's just whenever it comes up. She said that she'll take a puff at night and Tweet. Howard said He thought she ate brownies. She said she does that when she travels. Sarah said she can't work when she's on pot but when she goes on vacation she does. Howard said she was like a potted plant the whole time they were on vacation together.
Howard asked Sarah about breaking up with this guy she was dating. She said they're just not boyfriend and girlfriend. She said they still fuck. Sarah said something happened when she turned 40 this year. She said that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She wants to be free and just free to love people. She said she's not looking for someone else or anything and she's still willing to have sex with the guy. Howard said that He must have been devastated. Sarah said He wasn't really. She said that He seems to be really fine with it. They adore each other.
Howard asked if she's free to have sex with anyone else. She said that she told him that she just wants to be free. She said He wants to have kids some day and she doesn't want that. Sarah said that she's not looking for someone and she adores him but if He wants to have a family then He should be able to. Howard said it sounds crazy to him.
Howard said Sarah is looking better than ever. She thanked him for that. She said she sometimes smokes before bed so she won't be tempted to eat. She uses an app on her phone to keep track of what she eats. That's the same app that Richard used to lose 70+ pounds.
Howard asked Sarah about how you figure out the calories and stuff. She said that she has to guesstimate them. Howard said Sarah has a glow today. He said she looks good and that's good for her. She said she only lost like 11 pounds or so.
Howard said Sarah is in a relationship even though she thinks she's not. He said she's still his girlfriend. Howard said that this is what happened with Jimmy. She said it's really not. Howard said He thinks it is. Sarah said that she got a job and she was working and that didn't work for Jimmy. She said that he's in a wonderful relationship now. Howard asked if she has been back on the show. She said she hasn't but she's sure she could. She said that she bumps into them all the time. She said she has no problem going on the show but she hasn't asked to go on. Howard said she has her book to promote now. Sarah said that Jimmy is dating someone who works on the show so maybe she shouldn't go back. She said that Molly hugs her when she bumps into her.
Howard said He likes Jimmy and Molly but He feels like He lost Sarah in that. He said that's Sarah's weirdness though. He said that he's asked her to come and hang out with them and she has backed off. Howard said Sarah doesn't come over when He asks her to. Sarah said that's bullshit. She said that they email. Howard said it's occasionally. He said she sent him a nice note after his Letterman appearance. She also liked his live tweeting ''Private Parts.'' She said He jumps into something and revolutionizes it. Howard said this whole thing with Jimmy and Sarah is like being in high school.
Howard asked Sarah if she ever saves anything for her act instead of Tweeting it. She said she likes testing material like that. She said she doesn't think that people are going to notice it was a joke she told on Twitter.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her book The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee that's coming out later this month. She's going out on tour too and she's going to be in a movie called ''Peep World.'' That's not the movie she's naked in. The naked movie is coming out in September. She said it's full nudity too. Howard said that Sarah isn't like that usually. Sarah said she's having a battle with herself looking in the mirror and being disgusted. She said that she tries to pretend it's someone else's body and she thinks that it's beautiful. She said that she has haunches and she likes a softer body. She said that she doesn't want to be ripped. She said that the scene is a shower scene at the Y so it's not going to be very well lit or anything.
Sarah said that the director is great and she felt like she was lucky to be in the movie so she agreed to get naked.
Howard asked if she has a full bush in the scene. Sarah said she made a big mistake. She said that she started to trim it from the top and that was a mistake. She said that she got the whole undercarriage. She said that she makes sure it's all smooth. Howard asked if she shaves the taint and all of that. She said she does. Sarah said she likes a nice triangle that's not trimmed. She said that Michelle Williams had a nice triangle and her's was all messed up.
Howard asked Sarah what she did when she got the script and saw there was a nude scene. Sarah said she didn't realize there was a scene. She said the director asked if she was comfortable with it. She said yes immediately. Sarah said she went to shoot the scene and they were all okay with it. She said the DP was a guy but that was alright. The set was a closed set.
Howard asked if she was nervous and shaking at all. She said they were all in the same boat so they were fine. Howard said that she covers up on the beach so he's surprised by this. Howard said she doesn't expose herself.
Sarah said that it would have been better to be naked in her 20s. She said she has a sporty body and she's kind of an He body. She said that she has some cellulite on her thighs. Howard said ''Oy vey...''
Sarah told Howard that in the scene she's shaving her legs. She said that the director came over to her after the first shot and told her when she was shaving one leg they were seeing some lip. She said she almost had a fucking heart attack. She said that she almost fell over and died.
Howard said He hopes that she doesn't regret this. Sarah said she dos too. She said that she did some looping recently and they had a black bar over them to protect them for now.
Howard said when He looks at his own body He wants to throw up. He said He has cellulite and He hates that. He said that showing his ass on MTV was a huge mistake. Sarah asked if he's still sick. Howard said he's all better. He didn't take any antibiotics or anything. He said that He just rested. He said it's the first cold he's had in 2 years.
Howard asked if Sarah has a prescription for pot. She said that she would rather smoke pot and go to sleep than take a pill. She said that she also likes to smoke during her menstruation. Howard asked if she shot during her period. She said she didn't.
Howard said He loves when Sarah is there. She said she wasn't sure about that so it was good to hear. She said that she doesn't want him to have her in just because they're friends. Howard told her that this show means more to him than anything. He said if she sucked, in his opinion, she'd never be on the show. Howard said He would say no to her if He didn't want her on. Actually it'll be Gary that says that. Howard said that she's welcome on this show anytime. Unlike on Jimmy's show.
A caller told Howard that Sarah had a run in with Al Franken when they worked on SNL. Sarah stabbed him with a pencil once. Sarah said they have really sharp pencils around the table and she sat next to Al. She said that He had a big Jew for going on at the time and she thought about stabbing him through the hair and she accidentally stabbed him in the temple. She said that He screamed and asked what the hell she was doing. She said that she was laughing and crying at the same time. She said she looked like a crazy person. She said there's probably still lead in his head from that.
Howard asked Sarah about doing the Quentin Tarantino roast and how she got upset after that. Sarah said that it was her 40th birthday that day and both of her parents were there at the show. She said that it was such a burden on her. Howard said He saw her do stand-up one night and they were there and she was fine. Sarah said she had to go last that night so it really sucked. She said that roast was like 3 hours long and she found herself checking her emails and things. She said she would never do that usually.
Howard asked Sarah about that night and if she got depressed after the show. She said that she had to drag her parents around and she went to the after party and she just wanted out. Sarah said that it was a really long day. Sarah said she wanted to introduce her parents to Jerry Lewis. When she did that Jerry said that she was very talented and her mom said that she has 4 talented daughters. She said that she could have just said thank you.
Sarah said that she was going to the hotel and her father yelled out her room number in the middle of the elevator that was full of people. She said she knows she's not that famous but still. Sarah said that it was her 40th birthday and it never occurred to them. She said that her father was worried about getting to the airport to fly home. She said there wasn't a slice of cake or anything for her that night.
Howard asked if Sarah's parents want her to have kids and get married. Sarah said they know she doesn't want that. Howard said Beth's mom is always dropping hints about that. He said she just did that down in Florida this past week.
Howard gave Sarah some more plugs for her book and the stand-up tour she's doing. Sarah said the tour isn't going to be expensive. She said the tickets should be under $30. Sarah said that it's going to be half stand-up and half just talking to the crowd. She said she'll take questions from the audience and see what they have to say. You can find dates at WhoSay.com/SarahSilverman.
Gary said that He saw some of Sarah's new movie and it's really good. Howard took a call from a woman who said she loved Sarah's book and she was inspired on her pot theory to cut back on smoking so much. Sarah said that she thinks it should just be a treat and it shouldn't identify you. Sarah said she might smoke every day but it's just a puff. She said that she's a lightweight.
Robin asked what Sarah smokes because Howard gets paranoid on it. Sarah said that she likes a hybrid of a couple of things. She said that a Indica and Sativa mix is what she likes. She said that some make her anxious but she likes the calm one better. Howard asked if she smokes before she makes love. She said she likes to do that but she doesn't have to.
Howard asked Sarah if she's a good girlfriend. She said she hopes she is. Howard asked how she is in bed. She said she talks dirty a little bit. She doesn't say pussy a lot but she said that she will talk about the penis. Howard asked if she says ''Fuck me hard Jimmy!'' Sarah said that's not fair to Molly. Howard asked if she's ever slipped with this new guy. Sarah said she hasn't and it's been like 2 years now.
Sarah said that she and Jimmy are still friends even though He said that He never would be if they ever broke up. Howard asked if she still emails him. She said she does and it's not like they're emotional friends or anything. She said that she's sure that Molly knows.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she loved the Matt Damon video that she did. Howard said she rolled her eyes to that. Sarah said that she didn't roll her eyes. Howard said she did too. Sarah said she loved it and she was proud of it but it was a few years ago. Robin said she loved Sarah's Comedy Central show. Sarah thanked her for that.
Howard asked if she loved going to the Greg Giraldo funeral since there are so many celebrities that show up. Sarah said that she loved Greg and she didn't think she'd cry. She said that she and Todd Barry went and there were no other comics there. She said that his mother was sobbing uncontrollably and that got her crying as well as Todd. Howard asked Sarah what she wore. She jokingly said she wore a mini and a tank top.
Howard asked Sarah about being in a meeting with President Obama. Sarah said she did have a meeting with him for like 3 minutes. Howard asked if it was in a private room. She said it was in a hotel and He was walking through a hallway. She said it wasn't a real meeting. She said that it was something that they set up for her just so He could thank her for the video that she made. She said they wanted her to write a story about it for the paperback and they reached out to the White House to use the picture. It turns out they didn't let her use the story because it was a private meeting. Sarah said that it was just her with a couple of dudes and President Obama. Sarah said that He said something nice to her but she knows that He had no idea who she was. She said that Obama told her that He turns down the volume when his girls come into the room. He joked about how she helped him win Florida.
Sarah said she was so nervous that she wasn't sure what to bring up. She said that she was going to ask about Darfur but she just ended up saying a goofy ''Hi!'' Sarah said that she ended up talking about movies and how she hates Pixar movies. She also told him that she's going to be naked in a movie that's coming out. She said she was so embarrassed by that. She said that He said in a very gracious way that they'd have to send him a copy of that. Howard asked if He high fived her when she said that. She said it's really weird but He talks really black in private.
Howard said she basically choked in front of the President. She said she was totally star struck. She said that He gave her a hug and He was rock hard body wise. Howard said He might be working out too much. Howard said that in a 3 minute drive by you can't bring up anything intellectual.
Howard asked if they did a background check or anything like that. She said they didn't. She said they just did this quick meeting thing and it was just her and Kevis guy. Howard said that it's good that He was able to break up the awkward conversation.
Sarah told Howard about Kevis calling and telling her that He could get this meeting set up. She said she took a shower and washed her hair and then she got a note saying it might not happen. She said she thought He was doing something to her just to get her to wash her hair. She said that it all ended up working out though.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if they could take a picture of her feet. Howard asked if they could do that. King has a foot fetish. Sarah said her feet are okay but she has that longer second toe. king said if she has no socks on then it would be even better. Howard asked Sarah if she's ever dated a guy who was into feet. She said she had a guy who sucked her toes and all she could thing was ''Ugh!'' Howard said Sarah looks great for 40 and she's really holding up. Sarah said that she would send him a picture of her feet through a DM if He follows her on Twitter (@SarahKSilverman).
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's very happy and he'd be very happy with her. He said he's a slightly balding Yoga teacher and he's twice divorced. Howard asked Sarah if she's still into the Charlie Sheen thing. She said it's starting to lose it's luster. She said that it's like they're watching someone go off the deep end... or maybe he's right.
Howard took a call from a blind guy who has no job. He asked if they could be friends. Sarah said sure. She said that she loves friendships that are born out of pity. Howard gave Sarah her plugs again and then asked if she's sexually attracted to him at all. She said she had a dream about him before she got to know him. She said she thinks about Howard and Beth together and she can't think of him like that. Sarah said that she has some shitting in public dreams once in a while too. Howard wished her luck and told her to stay in touch. He told her not to be an asshole. Sarah said that she invited everyone there to her birthday party and they didn't come. Robin said she never got that invite. Sarah said that's bullshit. Sarah said she emailed Robin personally. Robin didn't get it.
Sarah said that Howard RSVP'd to the party and backed out at the last minute. Fred almost went but his family got sick. Howard said if he knew Ron Howard was going he would have gone. He was just joking about that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked the Dr. Laura doll what she thought of that song. She said something long that Howard didn't understand. He said the doll is very talkative. Howard played another line from the doll and didn't get that one either. They tried to figure out what she was talking about. Howard said he thinks she's trying to say that you can't bring someone home and change them. The way she said it was kind of confusing.
Howard played another line where she asks if that's really the woman you want to bring home to have your 84 kids. Howard said Gary missed the show earlier where he undressed the doll so he asked him about that during the break. Howard had the doll coming on to Benjy and telling him to smell her feet.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran through the stuff they were going to be talking about on the show today.
They spent a minute talking about Sarah and why she hasn't gone back on Jimmy Kimmel's show. They talked about her losing it in front of the President too. Robin asked if Howard would ever lose it in front of someone like that. Howard said he kind of did with those chess guys he met. He said he was impressed with them so he was kind of blown away. Robin said she met Pete Townshend and she just drooled. She said she wasn't even able to speak.
Robin asked Howard about his plans to have a DVD player and his iPad with him all the time. Howard said that's his plan and he's not going to load movies on his iPad. Robin asked what he's going to do while he's traveling. Howard said he will have the iPad and the DVD player and it's still going to be less weight than his old laptop. Howard said Ralph helped him figure all of that out. Robin thought he was going to download movies to the iPad. He said he's not going to do that. Robin said the whole point of that is to have them on the iPad. Howard said he'd shut her up and said that she still carries two cell phones. That did shut her up.
Howard said he thinks that Beth is on Rachel Ray today. He said that she will have two recent photographs that he took. He said that he's going to take some more lessons and he'll be ready for his gay photography.
Mutt said they're going to talk about the Big Black and King of All Blacks show. He said they'll come up with some ideas for the show. Mutt said they'll talk about Benjy too. That's tonight at 7 on Howard 100.
Gary said that Beth is pre-taping Rachel Ray today but it won't air until next week. Howard said he had to get reacquainted with her last night at 1 in the morning. He said that she came over to kiss him and he told her to hold on because he had to get to know her again. He said that makes her mental. Howard said he gets resentful when she goes away for more than a day.
Robin started her news with a story about how men lost their penis spines. Robin said they say that there used to be spines on the penis. Howard said he thought they were warts. He said his bush hairs are longer than his penis at this point. He knows he has to trim them now. Robin said there are some animals that have a spine like feature on the penis like Chimpanzees. Howard said he wishes he had one. He said that would make him longer and thicker. Robin said she thinks that cats do. Howard said he saw his cat's penis and he's hung about as big as him. Howard wondered where the spine is and what it does. Robin wasn't sure so she said she'd have to look it up.
Howard took a call from CWB who said that he'd like to bang Sarah Silverman. Howard spent a minute with him and then Robin got back to the penis spine thing. Robin told Howard about some of the animals and rodents that have them. She said some mammals have them too. Howard said it must be painful. Robin said that they may be there to clean out the sperm of other mates. Howard said it sounds like they might be for guys who have women who are real whores.
Robin read a story about the Spider-Man play. They have announced that Julie Tamar is leaving the show. Robin said that was the worst kept secret.
Howard was still talking about the DVD player and the iPad. He said that he's going to leave the DVD player in his car most of the time. He said that's how he travels most of the time. He said he knows what he's doing and Robin should do what he does and it'll be easier for her.
Robin read that Kid Rock is going to be getting an award from the Detroit NAACP. Robin said that some NAACP people are upset with that. They're upset that he uses the Confederate flag during his concerts. Robin said that it's a symbol of supporting slavery. Howard said he thought it just looked cool.
Robin read about how Glee's ratings were up when Gwyneth Paltrow was on. Robin said that they had the highest ratings of the season with her on.
Howard read a quick headline about how cell phones can alter your brain activity. Howard said that's all he's going to say.
Robin read about how American Idol is doing with the new judges and their new format. Robin said they're doing just fine without Simon.
Howard read more about the cell phone waves and how they say it can get rid of Alzheimers. He said the study was probably done by the cell phone makers.
Robin read about how American Idol was pre-taped. She said that she tuned out when she remembered that. She had some audio clips from the show that she had Howard play. Howard didn't like what he was hearing. He said the guy was singing ''With a Little Help From My Friends'' and it was awful. Howard said the guy did nothing interesting to change the song. Robin said she thought she was losing her mind when she heard them saying it was a good performance. Howard had Fred play the Bon Jovi performance of that song. Howard said that's a good cover of the song. Howard said that kid on Idol did an awful job and he would have told him that if he was a judge. Robin said he wasn't any more horrible than the other kids. Robin had some audio of Pia singing. Howard said she's super fucking hot but that shit was boring.
Robin read about it being World Kidney day today. Robin said that they're trying to draw attention to screenings. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about that. Howard asked Dr. Laura Doll what she thought about that. She said something about divorce and what that could do to a family. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
After the break, around 9:50am, Howard came back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin read a story about Mayor Bloomberg cracking down on taxi drivers that illegally refuse fares. Robin had some audio of Bloomberg talking about that. Howard said he would have thought that driving that far would be better for making money. Robin said that it's the number of fares that you get that counts for making money. The longer your ride is the more the fare goes down too. Benjy started to say something about that but Howard cut him off. Robin had some more audio of Bloomberg talking about that. Howard let Benjy talk more about the other factors in that too.
Howard said Miley Cyrus just posted a picture of herself in bra and panties and the shot is really good quality. He said she really seems to want to grow up fast.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his friend Mike Starr passed away the other day. Howard said the guy was on Celebrity Rehab. Robin said he was trying to stay sober around the time of his death. Howard said he was kind of unlikable on the show and he was really crazed but he felt sad for him because he felt he knew him from watching that show. Robin read some details about Starr's death and he may have been mixing some drugs when he died. the caller said he helped get Mike on the show and he was on the show with him too. He said he was doing really good until he went to join this new band. He got arrested about a month ago and he was doing well after that. Then he died after mixing the drugs he was taking. Howard asked if he thinks he wanted to live. The caller said he thinks he did. He said he was due to come to New York to do a new album. Howard thanked the guy for calling in. His name was Al.
Robin had some audio of someone talking about a gay marriage bill. She had some who were for an some against it.
Robin read a story about some people who were viewing porn on the job at an SEC job. She had some audio of this guy talking about how wrong it was for government workers to be doing that on the job. Robin said that the guy decided to sue so he could reveal who it was that was doing it. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Mel Gibson reaching a plea deal that will keep him out of jail. Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to know who he would rather bang, Ellen or Dr. Laura. Howard said Dr. Laura.
Robin read about 50 Cent and how he accepted money from Muammar Gaddafi to perform. Howard said that's disgusting and these people have to know where they're getting their money from. Robin said that 50 Cent's people say that he gave his money to Unicef. Howard said that sounds okay. He said the guy is a monster so you can't take money from him.
Robin read about what's going on in the Congo since Ben Affleck and Cindy McCain were in front of Congress talking about that. Robin said she looked it up and she found that it's the same people that were a problem in Rwanda. She said they're causing problems in the Congo now. Howard said he's too lazy to look that stuff up. Howard asked Robin if she would go over there. Robin said it looks a little dangerous so she won't be going there. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Charlie Sheen calling into the Dan Patrick show. She had some audio of that call where Charlie talked about how he's doing just fine because ''I'm me.'' Robin said that Rob Lowe is one of the names being thrown around to replace him. Charlie has said that he hopes that he knocks it out of the park. Robin said that his Team Sheen intern program got a lot of applications from all over the world. They're going to get it down to a manageable 50 people for Charlie to pick from.
Robin read about how Forbes has put out its list of billionaires. Robin said that the United States is running neck and neck with Russia for the number of billionaires. Robin said the guy with the most money is a guy from Mexico. She was shocked by that. Howard said he'd get out of that country immediately if he had that kind of money. Robin said the guy has $74 billion.
Robin read about Lindsay Lohan who is due in court to find out what her sentence is going to be. Robin said that the jewelry store who she allegedly stole the necklace from is going to auction off that necklace.
Robin read a story about a documentary about Harry Bellafonte that's due out soon. Robin played some of his music and Howard said he doesn't know any other song than ''Day-o.''
Robin read a story about a nun who admitted she stole nearly a million dollars from a college in New York. Robin said she diverted over $850,000 to her own account over the years she worked for the college. Robin said she could get 10 years in prison.
Robin read about a guy who got 25 years in prison for beheading his wife. Robin read about that and said the guy was Pakistani. That led to Fred playing a clip of Hanzi stuttering a bit when he was on the phone with them one day.
Robin read about how the Dahli Llama could be stepping down this week. Robin said that he's going to main Tibet's spiritual leader though. Robin said they have a prime minister election coming up soon there. They ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon and Gary also talked about the Jimmy Kimmel painting thing and how Howard did the same thing to Artie when he got Howard a Neil Young painting. Gary said it's so tough when that happens.
Benjy said he gets Howard pens now and he always gets a nice thank you note. He said that it was a hilarious story when Howard told that Jimmy Kimmel story. Gary said it's hard to buy for Howard and buying art is hard for anyone. Benjy said that it's like buying a pet for someone. You can't just buy a dog for someone.
Gary said he ran into a kid who used to be an intern at K-Rock and he remembered he's the one who brought in the oil painting his mom did and Howard ended up cutting it up with a knife. Benjy said Mike's mom didn't understand that and she was such a huge fan of his. Gary said that Howard might as well have stabbed Mike in the eye that day. He said it was really brutal.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has Apple computers and he thinks that Howard is going to be disappointed in the company now that he owns their stuff. He said that he's going to pick it all apart now that he has them. Gary said he thinks that Howard will talk about it along the way but he believes that he'll like it overall. He hopes he likes it so he's happy.
Gary said that he and Howard may video conference on Friday's now but they may just wonder what the fuck they're doing and give up.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard switching over to Apple is a bad idea. He said that everything costs 3 times as much as a PC. Gary said that it is more expensive but you're paying for better service, better operating system and more. He said that you can walk into the store and ask to get something fixed. You can't do that with a Dell. The caller said he worked at a PC store and you can do the same thing there. Benjy said that you can walk into Apple 24/7. The caller said it all depends on the store. Gary said that every Apple store is the same.
The caller said that he thinks that the listeners have to know that the prices are going to be more. Jon said he's right about the hardware that it's more. He said it's easier to use and the interface is easier. He said that the iPad isn't more than other tablets out there though. He didn't want to get too deep into all of that and he had to take a break anyway.
Benjy said that he never thought of Sarah as hot but today she looked the prettiest he's ever seen her. Gary said they had an intern back at K-Rock in the 90s and he was in love with Sarah back then. Gary said that they talked about it on the air and they had no idea who she was. The intern started sending her roses and it got really creepy.
Jon said that Sarah was talking about how she's not really boyfriend girlfriend with this guy she was going out with. Jon said Howard kind of called bullshit on that. Gary said some people want to do certain things by a certain age and maybe it has to do with that. Benjy said that they were talking about how he wanted kids and Sarah didn't. Benjy said he didn't get if they were sleeping with other people and if they tell each other if they do. Gary said that would be a weird conversation. Benjy said that he's completely honest when he's seeing someone and he goes out with someone else. He said he feels the need to tell them what he's up to.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he likes the Wrap Up Show more than the regular show sometimes. He also likes Benjy on this show better than the regular show. The guy said that he thinks that when they have guests on like Sarah and Jimmy then he starts loosening up and he becomes more like the old Howard he used to like. He said he likes it when Howard is like that. The guy said that he works as a scientist so he can't talk about this stuff at work but after work he can. He said he likes the real life stuff on the show like that.
Benjy said he's always found Sarah hilarious but the first time she was on the show it was kind of a weird connection. He said he'd like to see that first time and this latest time. Gary said that she may have been really nervous that first time. The guy told Benjy to act like he is now and not like he does when he's acting crazy.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Sarah is one of the best guests they have on. He mentioned some video that Sarah was in and said that it hilarious. Gary said that he'd look for that. Gary also said that he liked that story she told about meeting Obama. Benjy said he's been that way with Howard lately for some reason. He said he's not even sure why. Benjy said that he's afraid that it could turn into something horrendous on air.
Ralph called in and said that Macs cost more but so do Mercedes. He said that the guy was just mad when he was talking about that earlier. Ralph was also talking about the portable DVD player thing and said that Howard is watching a lot of things that people are handing him and he deals with DVDs a lot. Jon said he understands that but you don't want to be carrying around more than one thing. Ralph said that he's going to leave it in the limo. He won't really be carrying it around the city. Gary said that they could put stuff on his iPad for him. He said they do that with his iPod.
Ralph asked Gary what they would do if they sent something over that Howard had to watch that day. He needs that DVD player in the car. Gary said he gets that but it's whatever works for Howard.
Ralph said he told Howard to look on Amazon for these DVD players and Howard wanted to look at them in person. He said that Howard wanted to out and look but he warned him it would be a mad house. Howard still wanted to go out and look. Ralph said that Howard wouldn't be able to look at anything because he's going to be swarmed by fans.
Jon asked Ralph if Howard has ever hated a gift he's given him. Ralph said Howard broke something he gave him. He said he had a statue that was like a star of David with something else in front of it and Howard broke it on the air.
Gary said he thinks that he's had a good percentage of good gifts. He said he thinks that it's about 75 percent. He said he has given Howard stuff that he's never seen again. Ralph said he's backed off and he only gives him a Christmas gift now. He doesn't give anything else.
Ralph said he doesn't get putting that Jimmy Kimmel painting up for Jimmy. He said that's like something you'd see on a TV show. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that King of All Blacks is so transparent and he makes fun of the shoes and the jeans and stuff. He said it is fun to listen to though.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Benjy if he thinks Howard treats him like crap on the air. Benjy said he does. He said that it's not 100 percent. He said that he thinks over all he gets treated pretty poorly. The caller said that Howard seems to be cutting him off more and more. Gary said Howard did it for a reason though. He said it sounds funny when he does it and he was also in the middle of a conversation. Benjy said that 1999 and 2000 was a good year. He said after that its gone down hill.
The caller asked if he was outside of the Letterman show the other day when Howard was on. Benjy said he wasn't there. The guy said that he looked exactly like Benjy. Benjy said it wasn't him.
Jon asked Benjy who else gets treated poorly there. He said that Scott the Engineer is one. Gary gets it sometimes. He said maybe Ronnie too but not to the extent that he is. Gary said that Ronnie doesn't get shit all the time. Jon asked if he's treated unfairly. Gary said no. He said he gets treated the way he does because he does these shticks and characters and Howard can't figure out if he's going to be serious or not.
Gary told Benjy that the thing he did wrong was when Howard would ask what he did the night before and he would be all over the place with his answer. Benjy said that he's trying to be specific and he goes on too long. He said he likes to be accurate and some people just embellish their stories. He said they just don't jive that well on the air. He's starting to accept that now.
Another caller said that Benjy is treated the way he should be treated. He said it's perfect the way Howard does it and it cracks him up. He said he gets too specific with his stories too.
The caller asked Benjy if he's ever thought about doing stand-up. Benjy said he has done it and it means a lot to him but he's scared to do it since he's known from the show. The caller said he figures he'd be good at it since he writes for the show. Benjy said that he wouldn't want to be out on the road but he'd like to be a competent stand-up. He said he'd like to work on that.
Jon said that Will gave it a try but gave it up. Gary said he's done it a couple of times but he doesn't like it at all. He said that it's too nerve racking for him. He said that he has a steel trap memory except when it comes to remembering jokes. He said that he has to have notes. He said he would keep notes on stage because he gets totally freaked out.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he's upset with Steve Langford about the reports he's doing. Gary said he's not upset. He said the meeting is public so they printed stuff about it too. He said he did bust his balls about the story he did yesterday. He said that it was one of his less sensationalistic scripts and Steve gave him a weird look. Gary said he's not mad at him though. Benjy asked if he would do it all over again if he had to start the process again. Gary said he's not sure. He said some of the people that appointed him didn't see all of this coming. They had to end the show a short time later.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 11:20am.