Howard started off the show talking about how much stuff he had to get to. He's very dedicated to getting to everything though. Howard then brought up how Rev. Bob Levy was going to be doing his roast show today live in the studio. They have about 20 chairs set up in there for an audience. This will be a test show for the show that Bob wants to do. It'll be Bob, Jim Florentine, Don Jamieson, Mike Morse, Shuli and Yucko the Clown roasting Ralph. They were going to tape it last night but Ralph wasn't going to show up for it anyway so it's best to do it on the radio show instead.
Howard said he had a meeting yesterday with the In Demand people and they've decided that they're going to call it ''Howard TV'' instead of Howard Stern On Demand or In Demand or anything else. There is a deal coming down with Cablevision in the next couple of weeks to air the shows on there so the fans out on Long Island will be able to watch. Howard said that the In Demand people aren't really able to start promoting the new show until March because the SIRIUS people were freaked out and banned them from showing the new show yet.
Howard isn't even sure who can drink that Jagermeister stuff because it tastes like cough syrup. Artie said that when it's really cold it's tolerable. Robin said that Henry Hill was trying to use it medicinally claiming he had a cold. That led to Howard talking about how Henry was supposed to do a Meet the Shrink show but ended up going down and getting drunk after the show. He ended up vomiting on himself and crapping his own pants. The In Demand guys got about 45 minutes of him on tape but it's not enough. He said they could make a reality show with that guy.
Howard had an audio clip of Henry trying to eat a hot dog out on the street and he's pretty sure that he's eating the hotdog and the wrapper it was in. Henry was really wasted and could barely speak. He was mumbling words unintelligibly and refusing to put his coat on. The woman who was with him, Maria, was trying to help but he refused to listen. Henry was making very odd noises and Robin thought he sounded like something from the Exorcist. Then you can hear Henry demanding a bagel and then eating it.
Artie said it's amazing that Henry is still around and getting drunk after everything he's been through with the mob. Gary said that Henry didn't even have the money to pay for the drinks he was having at the bar he went to. Howard had a rundown from Doug Goodstein who ran down there to see him. He read Doug's note and said that Henry was laughing and cackling a lot after puking on himself. They brought him some food but Henry spilled and dropped the food he was given. They sat Henry down on the steps and ate the napkin that was around a hot dog he was given. Doug said that Henry was brought to the car that came to pick him up but he was afraid it was a cop car and refused to get in. Doug wasn't sure if Henry was able to make his flight because they refused to leave until they had the ass rape DVD that they brought.
Howard and the guys talked about that ass rape DVD and how now they don't believe that Henry had anything slipped into his drink when he was raped. Doug came in and told Howard a little more about Henry and then they talked about the Howard TV thing. Howard said they had a cool meeting and talked about having a film festival for the Howard TV (formerly Howard Stern On Demand) channel. Howard said that they were thinking of letting the fans make movies based on their scripts and stuff like that. Fans will be able to get involved but they haven't worked out all of the details yet.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio. Henry was still mumbling and asking for some cafe that he wanted to go to. The guys sat him down but Henry was demanding to go to the cafe and wanted some type of drink. He was laughing and cackling like a mad man. Richie Wilson was there and said that Henry only had a fleece jacket with him because he thought it was going to be warm in New York. He also said that Henry must have crapped his pants because he grabbed his ass and said ''Uh Oh'' at one point, then he sat down and went ''Oohhhhhhh.'' Richie said that if you combined Hank the Dwarf and Jeff the Drunk it wouldn't be as bad as Henry was.
Henry ate his hot dog and the napkin it was wrapped in. Then he spit some of it out and part of it ended up on Doug. Then Henry was trying to say ''Carmel Machiatta'' but no one understood what he was saying at the time. Artie and Robin recognized it as soon as he said it though. Howard said that Richard is going to take the audio from that and play them as if he were a Chinese guy.
Howard then told the caller that he got a call from the great Steve Martin the other day. Steve told him that he's doing Saturday Night Live in a couple of weeks and wanted to know if this sketch he was thinking about would bother him. He said that Steve wanted to use a boing sound effect from the show in the sketch but didn't want that to bother them. Howard told him it's probably not even their boing. Fred played some of the boing sounds that it could be to demonstrate it. Howard said that he's honored that Steve would even call about something like that. Howard also said that Steve told him he loves the new show on SIRIUS so he was going to go buy a new radio at Radio Shack... but they were all sold out. Steve Martin can't even get one.
Howard said that it's really upsetting that people can't get their radios right now and Scott Greenstein is more worried about them mentioning Jagermeister. The caller said that his friends are all having problems getting everything hooked up. He figures that the numbers must be growing a lot because they're still so backed up in that area. Howard said he's not sure exactly where the subscribers sound right now because he has to wait for SIRIUS to announce those numbers. The caller wanted Howard to keep everyone updated on those numbers.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio clips and had some more of his demented laughter. Henry was brought to the car that was sent to pick him up. He didn't want to get into the car, probably because he thought it was a mob car. He eventually got in the car and complained about being cold. He was mumbling more but Robin was able to figure out what he was saying. He said he had a warm heart and that he was looking for a girlfriend. Then he said something about giving her a 5 carat diamond... at least that's what Robin thinks he said. Henry was demanding his ass rape tape back and then asking for a girlfriend again. The guys eventually got rid of Henry and sent him on his way in the car.
The guys were talking about yesterday's Oprah Winfrey show and how she went off on an author who had scammed her about a book he wrote. The guy lied about some of the stuff in his book and Oprah went off on him during her whole show yesterday. Artie said the guy's book was actually very well written but it turns out that it just wasn't completely true.
Howard said there is a lot of nervousness when it comes to remaking something like this. When they were making it, there was someone breathing into the mic so Howard freaked out. He played some of the audio from the recording session where Sal blamed Artie for the breathing so Artie shot back at him by calling him a jerkoff. There was also some audio of Tim Sabean screwing up a line and Howard telling him he was terrible.
After playing the out takes Howard played the new Homo-Cop 2006 bit. He said it lasts about 5 minutes so it's almost a whole epic movie. The bit is based on the Robocop story but Howard plays a gay guy who is turned into a robotic homo cop.
Howard had everyone take a big bow after the bit. He then went into a bit of a music break and then a prank call that they made using clips from Gary's ''take me back'' tape. They called a woman and had Gary apologizing to her about something she knew nothing about.
The guys talked about how strange Baldwin was when he was going out with Christian skate boarders and stuff. Howard talked about the days when he used to watch Davey and Goliath and how much they pushed Jesus in those old shows.
The caller also mentioned Mark The Bagger who came in with The Bloodhound Gang. Howard said that he thinks the Bloodhound Gang will be doing a show on Sunday night and Mark will return next week to his radio show. He said that the guy has to be seen. He also said that one of the guys from the band pulled down Mark's pants and grabbed his penis while he was talking. Howard played a prank call that Mark made to a vocal coach. The coach didn't understand what Mark was saying so Sal and Richard had to break in and help him out. Artie said that Sal and Richard's bits are great but they always have to be in the bits together. Howard went to break after that.
Howard wondered who races in the races that Bubba participates in. Robin said she thinks they're legitimate races and he's racing with professionals. Lisa told Howard they'll also be talking about Shade 45 and then about a bread truck driver who almost got a ticket for playing Howard's show in his truck.
Howard heard that Lisa was so freaked out by Henry Hill that she almost started crying yesterday. She said she felt really bad for him. She did an interview with him after the show yesterday and he told her that he was trying to clean himself up... Then he went out and got plastered. Lisa told Howard that she interviewed him and he told her that he wanted to cum on her face. She felt weird saying that because she's a news person.
Howard said that is somewhat of a compliment. He said that he saw a thread on SternFanNetwork.com where people were talking about who would like to bang Lisa. Howard said they were talking about that on the Superfan Roundtable last night too. He said he's too thin skinned to read that stuff over at SternFanNetwork.com anymore. Lisa said she's the same way right now too.
Howard had some audio clips from Oprah Winfrey's show where she talked to an author about how he duped her and her audience by lying in his book (A Million Little Pieces) about some things that went on when he was in rehab. Howard played one clip where Oprah apologized for a call she made to Larry King defending this guy. Howard said he really hates that Oprah is like a god to some women in this country. Robin said she remembers Gary telling a story about how Gary wanted to watch a movie one time and his wife refused to watch it... until Oprah said it was a movie that everyone had to watch. Then she told Gary to go out and buy the movie.
Howard played another clip from Oprah's show where she confronted this author about the way he presented himself on the show. Of course her audience is on her side. In another clip Oprah asked the guy if he was being truthful about having root canals done without novacaine. The author, James Frey, tried to explain himself and said he couldn't remember if he had used novacaine or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about some of the stuff that's been going on with the show lately. He told Howard that Yucko is great on the show. That led to Howard saying that Ralph was there to get roasted and Yucko will be one of those people. Ralph was there in the studio so he was saying that there aren't any comedians there to roast him so he's not sure it'll be that good. The guys who are on the list aren't ''real comedians'' to him. He said he doesn't see their names up at Caroline's Comedy Club.
Howard got back to the Oprah stuff and spent a couple more minutes discussing that. He said that the author should have just said it was a novel and he would have been fine. He didn't have to say that it was true because it was written well. Now the guy has written a second book and he probably won't sell many books. Howard played some more audio from the show where the guy was defending himself with Oprah.
Howard said that he has an article about a guy who claims he had a gay affair with Clay Aiken. He wondered if Oprah would confront him about something like that if it was really true because he's gone on her show claiming that he's straight. Artie said that he's had to embellish stories himself but he has to do that to protect people. He said he had to change part of the pig on coke story he told back on the other radio station. He said he was just protecting someone though.
Howard said that it was funny how Oprah straightened out her hair for her show. He said that the hair looks really fake when she straightens it out like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him about what Bubba the Love Sponge actually does when he races those cars. Howard said the pictures are now up on his web site for those who want to see them. The caller said he saw Bubba crash one time and he ended up in the trees.
Another caller told Howard that he feels duped about the book he wrote after hearing his mother say that living in Roosevelt wasn't that bad. That got the guys back on the subject of Oprah's show but Howard was zoning out when Fred started to go into a whole rap about the author. Fred had actually gone to dinner with the guy and knew a lot about the story. Howard cut him off though and moved on to some other things.
A phone caller told Howard that he was talking to a friend about faggots and his friend said that every guy is gay because they all touch their own penis to jerk off. Howard said that's not the case and it's only gay if you're thinking about another dude. He said if you're doing it to a woman, you're not gay. Howard wanted to go right into the Joe Rogan comedy bit he's played in the past but he wasn't able to find it. Fred had it in his system so Howard cued him to play it... There was some confusion there so Fred didn't play it, he thought they were going to break. Howard flipped out on him a little bit and had him just go to commercial instead.
Bob said that Benjy signed up for the roast a couple of days ago but backed out of it. Benjy said he never did such a thing. That led to Bob roasting Benjy a little bit. He was going off him and warming up the crowd. He even joked about Robin doing an N-word joke that didn't go over so well. He came right back and said that the only thing that her glass booth is missing is a ''Don't feed the animals'' sign.
Howard didn't like the sound quality that was coming through on the mics so he asked Scott the Engineer what was up with that. Scott had no idea so Bob continued roasting Robin a little bit. Howard had to ask Ralph to remove his sunglasses because the Howard TV crew were asking for that. Ralph refused to remove them.
Bob roasted Howard a little bit and goofed on his nose and penis size. He also said that Beth is so much younger than Howard that after she blows him he has to burp her. He then went after Gary saying that the only reason the black guy he called the N-word didn't punch his teeth out is because it would have taken him 3 days. He goofed on Sal a little bit and then hit Artie with a joke about how his movie will be watched less, his movie or Rosie O'Donnell porn. He eventually made his way to Ralph Cirella.
Bob cracked some jokes about Ralph's gay stuff and about being jobless. He was hitting him like crazy with some great one liners. Howard interrupted him for a minute and then Bob got back to roasting Ralph and making more and more jokes about him being gay. Even Ralph was laughing at a lot of the jokes. He had one about all of the bumps on Ralph's face actually reading ''FAGGOT'' in brail. He also said that he can't believe that Howard is able to get rid of that fat under his chin but he can't get rid of Ralph. Howard wanted Bob to take it home and wrap up his roast.
Ralph was making some snoring sounds because he thought that Bob should have edited himself a little bit. Bob told a few more jokes but he seemed to be losing the crowd according to Howard. He brought them back a few seconds later but Howard had to go to break.
Jim moved on to Ralph and roasted him. He was pretty brutal. He goofed on him for being a homosexual and about how he never finishes stuff. He said he would never want a blow job from Ralph because he's infamous for not finishing things. Jim kept his roast pretty short and did a great job with his roast.
Bob Levy brought up Comedian Mike Morse (Mike-Morse.com) who is helping him write a sitcom... which Bob said will probably go nowhere. Mike roasted Bob a little bit about his drinking. He had a few good one liners about him and then hit Jim with a few. After hearing a few of the lines Howard said that maybe Levy's sitcom will be good. Mike then moved on to Ralph and called him a dingleberry on the ass of success. Ralph was giving all of them a hard time as they were roasting him. Mike goofed on the berry he has on his face and things like that. Ralph was coming back at him saying that he doesn't even know who he is and doesn't have to take that kind of crap from these guys. Mike finished up with one joke about how Ralph gets fucked up the ass so often that his shit has to make an appointment to come out. Howard had to take another break after that.
Shuli hit Yucko with a few lines and said that he's the only guy who looks less creepy with the costume on. He then moved on to Jim Florentine and roasted him about his Meet the Creeps stuff and how it went straight to Comedy Central... dot com. He moved on to Bob Levy next and said he'd be doing a show at a firehouse in Hoboken next week. Then he moved on to Ralph.
Shuli roasted Ralph and said that he's banged so many strippers that he's been banned from Chipendales. He had some other jokes about being gay and dressing Howard. He kept it short and even Ralph thought he was good. The audience was acting up a bit so Howard went to them a little bit. Angry Black was looking for some of that Jagermeister that was sitting in there. Howard told him to hold on and they'd get to that later.
Bob brought up the next guy, Don Jamieson. Ralph said that it was another guy that they don't know. Don's mic wasn't working very well. They had to ask Don not to move around at all. Don went right into the Ralph roast. He said that when Ralph walks into a pet store, all of the gerbils run and hide. He had a bunch of other jokes about the gay stuff. Ralph was being a pain in the ass not letting him roast him because he didn't know who the hell he was. Don said he knows that Ralph isn't gay... because Tom Cruise and High Pitch Eric told him so. He then roasted High Pitch Eric since he was in the audience.
Don cracked one joke about Eric's penis so Eric whipped it out. He wanted to prove that he had a big one but Ralph said he had balls the size of baseballs but the penis was about an inch. Don got back to his roast and had Howard laughing quite a bit. He wrapped up a short time later. Ralph wasn't too thrilled with the performances so far though.
Bob Levy tried to introduce the next guy but Howard had everyone giving all of the comedian's a hand for what they had done so far. Bob then introduced Yucko the Clown. Yucko got up and told Bob that he sucked. He goofed on Bob a little bit and then moved right on to Ralph. He said that if Ralph was a soup, he'd be ''Cream of Faggot.'' Yucko had his horn honking after each joke. He also said that if Ralph is into fitness ''so how about fitness cock into your mouth.'' Yucko was also going off on Artie a little bit and had everyone cracking up with those jokes. He kept his act pretty short and asked Yucko about how he gets his boyfriend's shit out of the slit of his penis. Howard thought that line was pretty funny.
Bob asked Ralph to get up and say a few words but he wasn't interested in saying anything. Ralph said it was fun being there and he's not a comedian... and neither were those guys. Artie wrote some lines for him but he didn't want to write them. Ralph said he didn't want to read them and asked Artie to do it. Gary said that if Ralph was listening to this, he'd call in and tell himself to cooperate. Ralph said he's not into doing that stuff.
Jim Florentine told Ralph that if the lines don't work, he can blame it on Artie. Everyone thought he was ruining the roast. The audience was going off on him and telling him to just do it. Robin couldn't believe he was doing that to them. Howard said he loves the roast show. Zolar asked if he could read Ralph's lines. No one thought it would work... and they were right. Zolar and Angry Black tried to read the lines but they weren't working. High Pitch tried to read one too but he wasn't even able to deliver it very well.
Howard asked Artie to read one of the lines to deliver it the right way. Artie didn't want to do it either. Artie looked at the list and said that Ralph fucked him over there. He wrote it as if Ralph would read them. He read a couple of jokes about Bob that were really funny. He also had some about Yucko that everyone loved. Bob said that Ralph had gold there and should have read the jokes.
Ralph thought that Artie was delivering the jokes better than he could have. Artie read a few more of his lines and went off on Shuli and more on Bob. Artie had a lot of fun goofing around with them and thought that Ralph could have gotten some laughs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this whole roast was great. Artie read a few more lines and started to get into it because he had written them all. Another caller told Howard how great this roast was and how she was going to listen to it again tonight on the replay. Howard told Ralph that he could have killed with those jokes but he blew it.
Howard thanked all of the comedians for coming in and doing a great job. He also thanked the audience for coming in. It was their first audience in the studio so far. Zolar was screaming at the top of his lungs not letting anyone else get any attention. Howard said there were a couple of women there too but Zolar wasn't allowing them to get any attention. Howard said hello to a couple of the women in the crowd. First up was Casey and then Tara, her sister. One of the girls was a stand-up comedian so Howard asked her if she had any jokes about him. She started to call him some names but Ralph told her to shut up and that she wasn't funny. Things were getting ugly so Howard cut them off.
Captain Janks called in and congratulated Bob for the great show. He also suggested a 5 minute a day roast of Ralph. Another caller thought that the roast was very funny but Ralph didn't deliver when expected. Another guy said that Ralph proved that he's the bitch that everyone expected. Howard also pointed out that Ralph was an excellent person to roast. Howard asked who was next on the Roast list. Bob said he was thinking about Robin but they can go with someone else if they want. Howard said he'll let him pick and won't put him on the spot.
Howard said that maybe they should let Ralph pick the next person to roast. Ralph said he might go with Howard. Go from the lowest to the highest. Howard took another phone call and then asked the comics if they had any big gigs to plug. Each of the guys got in their plugs. Artie even got one in for BeerLeagueTheMovie.com. Mike Morse said he'd be up at The Treehouse in Connecticut this weekend. Don is at DonJamieson.com, Jim mentioned he's doing some shows at the Comedy Cabaret in Northeast Philly this weekend. Bob got in a plug for revboblevy.net, Yucko's stuff is available at DamnShow.com. Howard took a couple more calls, including one from Vinnie Favale who thinks Ralph blew it this morning, and then went to break.
Howard brought up the Rolling Stone magazine article about how he's basically a boring old fuck. He said that he finds it interesting that the author will never write anything negative about people who are friends of Jann Wenner who runs the magazine. Howard thought that he was a friend of Jann's but now the guy has let the negative article go out. He said he will never allow a negative article about Yoko Ono. Some people sent Howard some notes about Jann and how he helps his friends out by giving them great ratings for albums that suck. They've also retracted articles that they've written after friends have complained. One writer said that Rolling Stone continues to push ads for tobacco companies even after printing obituary after obituary about rock stars who have died of lung cancer.
Ralph added that Rolling Stone isn't relevant these days and no one cares about the magazine now. Howard said that he's been reading the magazine for years and he's still a fan at 52 but they can't bring in any younger audience. Howard said he was actually thinking about hiring the author of the negative article about him. He was on the fence about it because the past few articles he wrote were kind of boring.
Howard said that he's now subscribing to Esquire magazine because they cover rock and roll better than Rolling Stone does. Gary said that Blender magazine is also better than Rolling Stone. Howard and the guys were also talking about what an ass kisser of The Rolling Stones Jann Wenner seems to be. They talked about how The Rolling Stones are getting $450 per ticket for their concerts. The guys can't believe that.
Gary said that he had a negative piece that aired down in Philly recently. He was trying to give the show a fair and balanced view of the show. This roundtable show that aired is filled with people who detest Howard Stern. Howard wasn't sure why he was playing it because he doesn't have to be fair and balanced. As soon as the moderator brought Howard up people started going off on him.
The people on the panel were upset that Howard was getting paid $500 million while coal miners are getting blown up because they can't get the equipment they deserve. Howard said that's an absurd statement. He gets an audience and makes the company he works for a lot of money. One of the people on the roundtable said that Howard was doing nothing but pornography. Howard also said that's not true either. One woman said that Howard is sexist, racist and uses profanity for no reason while people like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin used it for a reason. Howard said it's people like that who were sending Lenny Bruce to jail, who is she kidding?
Howard said that the funniest thing about Henry Hill was that Lisa G from Howard 100 News thought that Henry told her he wanted to cum on her face when he was actually saying ''I want a Caramel Macchiato please.'' Robin said that she doesn't believe she's ever been as drunk as Henry was. Artie said he has. Howard played another clip where Henry was complaining about being cold and asking for a girlfriend.
Ben told Howard that the guy on that roundtable tape had no reason to compare mine safety to Howard. They were equating the salary of a miner to the money Howard is making. It's a ridiculous comparison. Howard changed the subject and asked his father if he likes doing the Meet the Sterns show on SIRIUS. Howard told him that he doesn't want them to do it if they don't really enjoy it. Ben said that they do get off the show and are on a high but they're just amateurs when it comes to doing a radio show. Ben said that he would rather not do a weekly show but perhaps once a month. Howard said that will work and he would love that. He said they can always stop doing it when they want.
Ben said that while you're doing the show you feel you're doing a good job because everyone treats them so well. He talked about how great they're treated up there when they come up. Robin said she thinks that they do like it but they don't want the pressure of doing a weekly show. Howard asked to talk to his mother but Ben wasn't sure where she was. She came over a short time later.
Howard asked his mother Ray if she would enjoy doing the show once a month and if she likes doing the show. Ray said that she's doing it for Howard. She doesn't do it for herself. Howard said if that's the case then he doesn't want her to do it. Ray said that she does have some pressure on her when she does the show but she will do it if he wants her to. She wasn't giving him a straight answer. Artie thinks that they both don't like doing the show but Robin thinks that Ray doesn't like it but Ben does.
Howard said he doesn't want to ask them to do the show if they really don't enjoy it. Robin said it sounds like his father enjoys it but his mother doesn't. Gary heard that Ray doesn't like going into the city so maybe they could put them up in a hotel. Ray said she's not looking for that and they have been treated very well so far. Howard thought about replacing his mother with another woman, like a stripper from Scores. Howard told his mother that he loves her on the show and that she does a great job. She found that hard to believe.
Ray asked Howard what his problem is with Oprah. That got Howard talking about how Oprah is such a big influence in women's lives that they pay more attention to her than they do to their own husbands. Ray said that's out of wack and an exaggeration. Howard and the guys argued with Ray about the way Oprah changes women and makes them think that they should act a certain way. She's a know-it-all according to Robin and she doesn't appreciate the way she talks a good game but doesn't follow her own rules. She gives advice on kids and marriage but she doesn't have kids and she's not married.
Robin told Ray that Oprah lives in a building where only one pet is allowed yet she has 3 pets in her apartment and no one says a thing to her. That's not right. Ray didn't think that was such a big deal. She told Howard that she loves the new studio that he's working in and he's very lucky to be there. Howard said he'll talk to her some more about doing the Meet the Sterns thing some other time. He let her go right after that.
Jon Hein came in to talk about what they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. Jon said that they'll have the comedians from the roast in to talk about their experience. Gary said that Ralph isn't invited to the Wrap Up Show because they've heard enough from him today. Artie said that he had some roast material for Jon Hein... He told a couple of one liners where he called Jon a nerd and told him that his Wrap Up show jumped the shark 10 days ago... and if he looks underneath him right now, he'll see a shark.
Jon said they'll also ask the In Demand crew how they get to find Henry Hill and cover it. Howard said he knows how that happens, he had to yell at people to cover it while they were in a meeting yesterday. Mike Gange said that as soon as they heard that Henry was downstairs drunk, they ran down there to get him on camera. Howard said that they should be covering the guy the whole time he's there because the fans want to see the behind the scenes stuff.
Howard said that they better get the camera on Danny Bonaduce all next week because he's a train wreck. Artie was doing his impression of Danny and talking about how great the VH1 ''Breaking Bonaduce'' show has been. He just caught up on that show recently and he loves some of the stuff that went on during that show. Gary told Howard that they have a whole page of Danny audio clips that he can play. He played the clip that Artie always imitates.
Then he played one clip where he freaks out over a picture that was taken of his wife getting her back rubbed. Danny got pissed when he found that out. Howard played a clip where Danny confronts one of the band members who was there when the guitar player stood over his wife in the picture. The guy had to apologize for not being his boy and helping him out.
Howard had George Flowers doing his impression of Danny but it sounded more like an angry pirate instead of Danny Bonaduce. Ralph told him to stick to doing the news. Howard had Robin get to her news but she wasn't quite ready since they don't get many breaks. That led to Ralph complaining that he hasn't had the chance to take a bathroom break. Howard told him that no one is stopping him from doing that and Artie started to laugh his ass off. He thought that line was the funniest of the show today because no one cares if Ralph takes a break or not.
Bong Hit Eric called in during the news and said that the roast from earlier was great. He said that everything about it gives you the full effect of what a roast can be like. Another caller suggested that they roast Danny Bonaduce next week. Howard said they might have to put him in a straight jacket and then roast him. Howard said they could mess with his wife in front of him and really drive him nuts. Robin finished up her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the morning talking about what went on with XM while they were off. He had tons of articles that he wanted to read and he was laughing about them already. Artie said he saw that XM dropped two and a half bucks in the stock market. Howard said he told those guys at XM what they should have been doing back when they approached him and they just sat there like big puds. He said their board looked at him with this arrogance when he told them what they could be doing. They were very arrogant according to Howard and had all kinds of charts and graphs that they were using and it didn't do a thing.
Howard read some articles about XM and how one of their board of directors stepped down over the weekend because of the amount of money they were spending on advertising. They were trying to compete with SIRIUS while Howard was moving there and the ads just didn't work.
Howard said that the XM ads were a bunch of lies because they shows Snoop Dogg and Ellen Degeneres at the studios and that never happens like that. When you're at SIRIUS you see Howard Stern and Martha Stewart hanging out there. He said they spent $196.5 million on advertising and it got them nowhere. They signed Oprah Winfrey for $55 million to do one half hour show a week which is another horrible deal. Now they're floundering over there at XM.
Howard said that his friend who owns a car dealer told him that he hasn't moved XM radios in months, it's just sitting there gathering dust. Howard was also complaining about being pictured next to Opie and Anthony. He said it makes him sick because they didn't do anything for XM when they went over there. He said their ''army'' of five listeners were calling Scott Ferrall calling him a traitor. He said their fans are probably all subscribers because they'd have to be to hear the prank calls they're making. He said they're more like a cub scout troop than an ''army.''
Howard said it took just 2 meetings with SIRIUS before they made him a deal. XM was held up by their board as far as making a deal and he seems to think they blew it. He got back to the articles he had about their board member stepping down and he wanted to go on a gloating tour. He said that he was going to call his Publicity guy Dan Clores to go gloat a bit.
Howard mentioned that Bubba is going to be on the Tucker Carlson show on MSNBC tonight so they all have to support him there. Howard didn't know what they were going to be talking to Bubba about but he wants to support him since he's part of the family now.
Howard said that XM shouldn't be putting him up against Opie and Anthony, they should be putting him up against their whole company. He's going to show that he can crush the whole company, not just another morning show. He said he's going to prove that they should have hired him because that's always the right choice.
Howard can't believe that our President is against cloning and things like that because we could be giving people new limbs and things like that some day if they just allowed that stuff.
Robin brought up some news about Scott Stapp and Kidd Rock getting caught on tape having sex with a bunch of groupies. The tape may be released soon. Howard said that's the way rock stars are supposed to act and as much of a dick as he thinks Stapp is, that's what he should be doing.
Gary came in and said that Tom wasn't showing Howard any love either so that wasn't helping. Artie said that they've released some of Tom's ''Tomorrow'' shows on DVD and they're supposed to be pretty interesting. Howard said that they'll just bore you and no one will enjoy it. He said that if they made them clip shows it would be fine but it they're full shows, don't bother.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about how great SIRIUS is with their sports packages and Howard. Howard said he wants to go out and do some more promotion about how great their sports programming is. He said that XM will be losing NASCAR next year and SIRIUS is picking it up so that's going to be a big deal for them. Howard said that he and Artie don't care about that crap but a lot of people are interested in NASCAR.
Another caller asked Howard to sing ''In the Court of the Crimson Kings'' since he hasn't done that in a while. Howard wasn't able to bring up his reverb but something wasn't working right. He complained that someone was in there over the four days he was off and screwed up. The moment had passed but Scott the Engineer came in shaking his head and trying to figure out what was wrong. Robin said his double chin was wobbling around when he came walking in. Howard said he never opened the show with that song so he wasn't sure what the caller was talking about.
Howard said he spoke to one student about his plans to go over to China to help them plan their future so they don't pollute their environment. He said he had a nice time out there at the college.
Howard said he went out to eat with Beth the other night and had his picture taken when he came out. It was like 17 degrees out when he came out of the place. Robin said she was down in Florida over the weekend and it was about 80 degrees down there. Then she came back up to New York and froze.
Howard said that this car pulled up like a mob hit and two guys jumped out and shot his picture. He said he just posed for some of the pictures until they asked him to do some close-ups. He said he didn't want to do that. Artie liked the leather jacket that Howard was wearing in the pictures. Howard said that was his Jack Daniels leather jacket. Howard was also saying that Beth thought she looked horrible in the pictures while he looked great. Robin wondered how that was possible.
Howard took another call from a guy up in Canada who asked when his On Demand show is coming up there. Howard said he's not sure if it ever will because his government is offended by him. He said that the government has thrown him off the air twice up there and they really do hate him.
The caller, Hanzi, told Howard he can get him some great weed if he wants. Howard told the guy that weed isn't for him. He loves the whole idea of the stuff but he gets really paranoid when he smokes the stuff. Hanzi thinks that Howard should be baked during his show. Howard said that's not his thing. He said he did smoke weed one night and then had sex with Beth and she said that it was the best sex they ever had. He said that he went out on his balcony after that and stood there naked for 3 hours. He came back in all mosquito bitten when he came back in.
Hanzi had a lighter that plays some music when he lights it. He said a friend of him gave him the lighter to help him try and quit. He said it's starting to work but Howard thought it was kind of cool. Hanzi also told Howard that pot helps your dick out and that's why he was able to screw Beth so well. Howard said he used to beat off a lot when he was a pot smoker so maybe he's right.
Howard talked about the days when he was younger and used to beat off like 5 times a day. He said that one night he went out with Beth and he was telling her that he wants to lick her asshole and she was on her period that night. It was a repeat of another night out he had with her where he told her that he wanted to do that and the waiter overheard the whole thing.
Howard took his parents out to dinner on Sunday night and got drunk then. He said Beth thought he was really drunk in front of his parents but he said he only had 3 glasses of wine.
Hanzi told Howard that he's trying to find a job right now and he's trying to get his music career going. Howard wanted to hear the music he's performing so he had Hanzi play something for them. He played something but it was very low. Howard thought it sounded okay but it was kind of gay. Howard was ready to hang up on him because he wasn't responding to him. The rapping he was doing in the song he played wasn't all that great according to Howard.
Howard took a call from a guy who complained about Howard always talking about hot black chicks being ''octaroon'' and never saying that they could be 100 percent black. Howard said that he was just talking about what she was and it doesn't matter to him if a hot black chick is black or a mix. He had to go to break a short time later.
Artie said it's kind of funny how Sal and Richard have to both be on the phone. There was no reason for them both to be on but they found a way to make it happen. Richard played the wife and Sal played the husband while Tommy's audio clips were playing the grandfather.
Howard got back to the XM discussions. He said that it must be killing the reporters out there that SIRIUS is beating up XM the way they are. The guys talked about the ads that XM was running and how there really weren't all that many considering how much they spent on advertising. The commercials were a joke to Howard. He said he's going to go on a gloating tour soon.
Howard brought up a new teacher who is banging 16 year olds. Robin said that this isn't a new one, it's the same one they talked about when they were still at K-Rock. Howard said this picture he was looking at was the best one he's seen of that chick then.
Howard and the guys talked about the whacked out fan who killed Darrell because he blamed him for breaking up the band Pantera. Fred played some Pantera in the background as Howard and Artie were talking about Darrell. Artie was also talking about Mark David Chapman. He read some stories about how he went and shot the guy after chickening out a few times. He read that Mark thought the gargoyles outside of the building he was at were talking to him and telling him to kill the guy so that's just what he did, five hours after getting his autograph.
Howard read an article about Dave Chappelle where it said he wants to find a smaller, quieter audience. He said that he's sick of the guy not answering questions and said that he was horrible on Oprah. He was also on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' for two hours and didn't say anything there either. He said he wants the guy to come on the show but he canceled his appearance on the show.
Howard read an article about how he's brought in a lot of listeners to SIRIUS. He said that they're saying that he just brought in 1.1 million listeners but he thinks that it's closer to 2 million. He said he's very excited about all of that and he's ready to go on that gloating tour he's been talking about all morning.
Howard read an article about a guy who is offering free cab rides to people who want to try something different. It's one of the old Checker cabs. He doesn't have a license so he just lets people pay what they want. The car has tons of room in it and people like it so much that they pay him more than they usually would if they took a regular cab.
There was another article about a guy who just woke up one morning and became homeless after losing his memory. He read that the guy ended up out on the streets of Chicago. Another homeless man figured out what had gone on and told authorities about it. His family was reunited with him but he doesn't remember them at all. The article said that the guy just drove around the country after heading into work one day. Now the guy claims he has no memory of what went on. Howard said that maybe the guy just snapped. He isn't even living back at home yet because he doesn't remember these people. Howard thought that whole story was pretty wild. He said the good thing is that you could watch the ''Godfather'' movie again for the first time. He said that it would really suck if you watched it again and it wasn't as good as it was the first time.
Robin said that there's not one clip of Ronnie on the news where he's not cursing. She said he couldn't pull a clip where he doesn't curse. Howard said Ronnie was able to curb the cursing back at K-Rock but now he's got to be forcing it. Ronnie said he really doesn't have to curse and he won't even do it tomorrow when he's getting roasted.
Howard told Ronnie that he feels that he's trying to create a persona around the cursing and it's not working. Howard said that Sal is occasionally funny when he curses but Ronnie isn't funny at all. Richard came in and asked if he could tea bag Ronnie if he curses. Howard told him that's not happening, it's going to be worse, he's not going to be on the air if he keeps cursing. Ronnie thanked Howard for screwing him over on the air by bringing this up. He said that it makes him look like an idiot. Robin said that maybe it was his cursing that made him look like an idiot.
Howard said that Lisa did a great job and she was robbed. Now her husband, Harry Hamlin, says that he will appear on the next season of the show. The caller said that he called her last week when Lisa was on and asked her if Harry likes to dress up in the Clash of the Titans outfit. Howard took another call from Mariann from Brooklyn who mentioned the XM stories that they were talking about earlier. She said that XM is going down and it's going to be all about SIRIUS eventually. She started to ramble so Howard hung up on her. She's supposed to be at the roast tomorrow and Howard said he's going to kick her out if she makes one peep.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about XM. He said that O&A should be beside themselves. He said that both XM and SIRIUS were talking to them because they can't get a job on regular radio. He said that he was actually asked if XM should employ those two and he said he really didn't care either way. He believes that he could have kept them off of satellite if he wanted to.
Howard read that Tesh's show is on 98.3 K-Joy out on Long Island. He's not even on in New York City. Scott the Engineer came in and told Howard that he should be able to dial out on any of the hotline numbers. Howard tried to call the number again but it still wasn't working. Howard then started asking Scott who messes with his equipment when he's out of the studio.
As Scott was describing what goes on in there Howard noticed that his breathing sounds horrible. Scott said he's been diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructed Pulmonary Disease) so he's on all kinds of medications. Robin said that they've told him that this stuff was going to happen to him for years and he just kept smoking. Scott has quit but it's too late.
Gary came in and told Howard about the John Tesh stuff you can buy from his web site. He also said that there's a list of stations that Tesh's show is on but they're in little towns. He is on in Los Angeles but that was the biggest city listed. Most of the cities Gary read were cities he's never even heard of. He wasn't on in New York City which is the biggest radio market. Howard said the guy was a bore on TV so he's got to be horrible on radio. Gary saw that he was on in Boston though.
Gary read some of the topics that Tesh talks about on his show. That led to the guys talking about dirty ice water at fast food restaurants. There was a test of the water used in the ice and in the toilets at restaurants and they found the ice is dirtier than the toilet water. Robin also brought up a story about McDonalds getting into some trouble for lying about what's in their French fries. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Howard said that when E! gets their hands on something they just turn it horrible. He said that they took an interesting chick and made her a bore. He can't wait for people to have the choice not to subscribe to that channel. He said that the only reason they made it as far as they did was because of his TV show. He said his fans helped build that thing into a big company that has zero ratings.
Howard played an news report about XM's board member stepping down and how it's causing an uproar. The reporters talked about how they think that SIRIUS has a good chance of making it and that cable has shown that people are willing to pay for good content. They both agreed that SIRIUS has made some good decisions while XM hasn't.
Howard said that his news team was turned down by the warden at the prison that Crazy Cabbie is in. They were afraid that it might cause some problems if they allowed an interview.
Howard said that there are some Clay Aiken fans who are ready to sue his record company because they were lied to about his alleged sexuality. Howard said he would like to meet the asswipe who didn't know that Clay was gay (allegedly). He read an article about the fans who are creating the class action lawsuit against them. Artie said that if he found out Bruce Springsteen was gay, he thinks that he would just deal with it and not sue anyone.
Howard asked Misty to let her hair down and let loose. She stood up for them and let them take a look at her body. She's got implants so Howard asked her to take her bra off to see them. The job was horrible so Howard asked her what she paid for them. She said she actually didn't pay anything. They must have looked horrible. She said they were nothing before. Howard took another look at them and said it looked like there were little rubber balls in them. Robin was sighing in a way that made it sound like it was the worst thing she's ever seen.
Gary said that her boobs looked like the worst boob job he's ever seen. Howard said she did have a nice ass though. She showed her ass and back but she had all kinds of tattoos on her. He read some of what was written on there and there was some mention of angels and money.
Howard asked Misty if she's ever been institutionalized before. She said that she was diagnosed as being completely sane but Howard found that hard to believe. He asked her what's really wrong with her. She said that she just has this messiah complex, she's not crazy.
Howard told Misty that she needs to go home to Montana. She said she actually does live in Montana. She just came in to tell Howard about her church. She said that she started a legal church. Howard figures she's just going to use that church as an excuse if she ever gets caught prostituting. Misty said that she makes a living as a prostitute and she feels that it should be legal for her to do that if she wants to. Howard said that's the most sane thing she's said today.
Misty asked how a woman is supposed to get leadership if no man will marry her. No one understood what she was talking about. Misty told Howard that she does have this church set up out in Montana and it is a way for her to get around the prostitution thing. She was saying that every woman should get paid $200 per man who screws her and she has to suffer through 7 days of bleeding every month. She said that she pays taxes on her pussy through the bleeding. Howard heard that and said that she really is messed up.
Howard asked Misty how many guys she does a day. She said that she made about $40,000 last year and she had about 200 dates last year. She was also saying that she's good at submission stuff and she once had a guy who asked her to shoot him with a BB gun. She said she did that and had to hit him in the belly button. She said it took her a while but was able to do it.
Misty was also yelling about ''the fags'' and blamed the Catholic church for that stuff. Howard asked her to get completely naked and maybe she wouldn't sound so crazy. She got naked and showed off the scary boobs a little more. Howard told her not to wear so many clothes if she's going to sound like a retard. She was offended by that comment but continued to strip down. Then she started to yell about how God is a dick. Howard also learned that she has 3 kids and they've all been taken away. She said her parents took away one, her ex's took away the other two.
Misty said that she's trying to change the world and rewrite the bible and all anyone wants to do is stop her. She said that one of her kids is named Devin which is a letter away from Devil. Howard reminded her that she named the kid. She then revealed that she has been sterilized so she can't have kids anymore. She said that her mother did that to her and that her mother is married to the biggest fag in Montana.
Howard tried to give Misty some advice and told her not to get anymore tattoos. She said that she has to get that stuff on her because that's part of her whole Messiah thing. She was all upset and freaking out at this point so Howard asked her if she was alright.
Richard Christy asked if they could put a straight jacket on her. Howard told them to get out of there and then Howard had to hit the delay on her because she was giving out names that he didn't want on the air, probably her father's name.
Howard told Misty that she's a good looking chick but the crazy talk is going to hurt her business. Gary asked what Howard would do if he met this chick in a bar and took her home, then she starts rambling like this. Artie said you fuck her and leave. Howard suggested that Misty not talk so much so she started to cry and asked why she can't talk. She said that she's really sick of six inch dicks and she's not satisfied not having a husband. She said that if she had a husband, she wouldn't need this job.
Howard and Artie both said that they would do this chick but they'd probably need someone to hold her down. Misty thinks that Howard would like her outside of the show. Howard said he's pretty sure he wouldn't. Misty told Artie that he's a fag for being a Catholic and went off on him for a minute without any real reason.
A caller asked Misty what her superpowers are if she's a Messiah. She said she's able to time travel. She also told the guy that her church is the Church of St. Eve and she is Eve. She's got a lot of issues she needs to deal with. Howard asked her if she has anything to plug. She said that she would like to plug the Maternal Order of St. Eve which is her church. She said that she charges a flat rate of $200 per orgasm. She said that she will do BJs and regular sex but no anal.
Misty said that she thinks every woman who gets paid for sex should be getting $200 every time. Howard wrapped up with her and told her to keep up the nice, thin body. She said that she's going to go out and try to make some money there in New York while she's there. She didn't know how to advertise that though.
Richard Christy called in as Benjamin Franklin and said that Misty traveled back to his time and her pussy stunk. He had to invent electricity so he could put a fan in his house to get the smell out. Howard let Misty go a short time later.
Artie thinks that she could be cured with a little Lithium. Howard said he had to go to break but then took some phone calls. One guy brought up the Dick Cheney hunting accidental shooting and had some weird conspiracy theory that was driving Howard nuts. He told the guy to just stop with that and get off his phone.
Howard said he thought about putting Misty on the Sybian but she was so wacky that he didn't think it would have been entertaining. Robin said it would have been like the day they put Buck Angel on it.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that they give Misty her own show. Howard said that's a great idea and he would like to do that. He had the guys bring her back in so he could ask her if she wanted to do that. Misty said she's up for it and she could follow some rules on the air if he wants her to. Program Director Tim Sabean came in and told her that they could do a whole channel with her because she's perfect for the air. Misty said that she could do a show if they want. Tim said that they could put her on with Meet the Shrink on Thursday. Misty said she's only in town until Wednesday.
Misty said that she'd have to talk to her Nanny to extend her stay for another day. She said that she still has custody of her daughter so that's why she's got the Nanny. Howard had it all set so she can do the Meet the Shrink thing then. He let her go a short time later.
Richie from SIRIUS came in and told Howard what this caller would need. He said that the part will be out in late March or early April and it will replace the XM brain in the GM vehicles. The caller sounded very happy about that since he's picking up his GM vehicle soon.
Howard took the call from the guy who said he wanted to hear Misty on her own show. Howard said it might be a good idea but wondered if it would be interesting. Tim Sabean said they're going to put her on tonight at 7:00pm right after Howard 100 News. Howard said that Misty's body was great but the boob job was really bad.
Howard had some audio of Ronnie cursing on something that had been taped behind the scenes. Ronnie said that wasn't even meant for the air so it wasn't fair to play that. Howard said that it was just an example of what Ronnie has been doing on the air lately. They had to take another break a short time later.
Another caller told Howard he's really got to give that Misty chick her own show. Howard told him that they've already scheduled her for tonight at 7. That led to Artie suggested that they call it the Ditzy Misty show. Howard didn't think it rhymed very well so he wanted to call it the Misty Disty show. Artie asked him what the F ''Disty'' means.
One caller asked Howard why they ran a rerun yesterday when he was off. Howard said that he's sick of getting mail from people when he takes a day off. He's going to take a lot of days off and most of them will be taken over by Jon Hein and Gary. He's also bringing in some substitutes for him that they'll be using once in a while.
Howard said he tuned into FreeFM (Which used to be K-Rock) and they kept promoting the ''Free FM'' thing over and over after every song they played on the weekend. He said they're all talk during the week and then they play music all weekend.
Artie said that a lot of people were happy to hear the replay of the Rev. Bob Levy Celebrity Roast yesterday. Howard said he even tuned in and listened to it and there were some very funny guys on there. He said they're doing another roast tomorrow and Bob and his gang will all be in again to roast Ronnie.
Howard also saw Flight Plan over the weekend and thought it was okay until the end which was horrible. The guys were talking about a bunch of other movies that they've seen and heard about lately. Gary said he was going to see ''The Pink Panther'' but the kids changed their minds at the last minute and went to see ''Curious George'' instead. Robin saw ''The Pink Panther'' and thought it was very funny so she apologized to Steve Martin for doubting his abilities after seeing the ads on TV.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wanted to know if Artie as going to be part of the roast tomorrow. Artie said that he will be roasting Ronnie. Another caller, who called in last week and got invited up as part of the audience. He said that he wanted to get on to roast Ronnie himself so he gave Howard a couple of his jokes. He bombed so Howard told him that he was going to be sitting in the audience and that was it.
Howard had an audio clip from the Olympics where this guy Shani Davis was interviewed about his gold medal win. The guy didn't have a lot to say so the reporter was kind of shocked that he wasn't talking. Gary said that they knew what was going on there. Shani isn't a team player and he's taken some crap about that so he didn't want to talk about it. Howard said the guy could be getting a lot of endorsement deals if he just lightened up a bit. He said that they should lock that guy and Dave Chappelle up in a room together. Howard thinks the guy blew his chance at endorsement deals because of that behavior.
Gary asked Howard if he'd be interested in having the Flying Tomato on the show. He said he thinks they were offered the chance to have him on the show but Howard said he couldn't care less about that guy or any other Olympic athlete. He said the person he'd like to have on the show is Charlize Theron. He saw a picture of her on a magazine cover where she's painted gold and he thought she looked hot.
Howard gave a shout out to his man Governor Patacki who is in the hospital right now. He said that the guy had an appendectomy and he hasn't made a doody yet so that's why he's stuck in there.
Howard decided to play some stuff so he played a ''Ghetto Porn'' clip where a black chick was taking it down the throat and gagging. She was also using the N-word and yelling at the guy to finish already.
Howard said that his guys were working on a song parody about Dick Cheney to Aerosmith's ''Janie's Got a Gun'' but he didn't even care all that much about it. He played some of the song and ended up talking about Dick Cheney for a short time. Howard had some other clips to play so he replayed a couple of Sal's prank calls to C-Span where they hung up on him after he played some Blue Iris audio clips. There was also one where they used some Hank the Dwarf audio clips, George Takei clips and Richard Simmons clips to make some prank calls.
Gary said that Sal and Richard came up with a new bit where they had Ronnie Mund hosting his own Tonight Show. They had him cursing every other word as he was doing his monolog. There was also the Ronnie Mund Curse Master Jr. which was a goof of Jackie the Joke Man's Joke Master Jr. They took clips of Ronnie cursing in that clip that Howard played earlier and altered his voice to sound like Jackie's.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who thought that Howard's singing last week when he had his voice really high. The woman on the phone had a very husky voice so Howard asked her to sing along to some David Bowie stuff. She didn't sound too great singing ''All the Young Dudes'' though.
Another caller told Howard to stop taking calls from people who complain about him taking a day off now and then. He said that there are 120 channels and some great music channels to check out. Howard thanked the guy for the call and mentioned that Bubba will not be on Tucker Carlson's show tonight like he said earlier in the show. He said that he will be on tomorrow night instead. He had to take another break a short time later.
Howard read an article from a Canadian paper where they talked about his channel starting up there. They made is sound like it was invading their airwaves once again but this is a pay service so people up there have to pay for it to bring it into their homes. Howard said they're acting as if some big monster was released on their country. The article says that Howard's show could be bumped for a Cosmo magazine article when it debuts at the end of the month.
George gave Howard a preview of the news that they had coming up at noon today. He mentioned the same stories that Lisa G had mentioned earlier. Howard then said that he heard that JD has a crush on their news director Liz Aiello and he let her know that. JD came in a short time later and said he was just ''work flirting'' with her and he knows that she's married.
Howard asked JD if he's ever pleasured himself while thinking about her. JD said he's being honest and hasn't thought about her. JD said that he does tell her how nice she looks and he may have told her that he has a crush on her but he doesn't remember everything he says to her. Howard can't believe that he can't remember that stuff though. He said he may have just come out and told her that he had a crush on her but he's not sure.
Howard asked JD if he really did go up to her and say something like that. JD said he may have been talking to her and just did it. He had trouble explaining the way he did it because he couldn't remember. Howard said that he got a bunch of mail about it and people know about what he's been saying to her. Howard asked what Liz said to JD when he professed his love for her. JD didn't know the answer to that either.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a toy store using clips of JD's phone sex call. Then Howard asked George how a guy like JD can't remember what he said to Liz. JD said that he doesn't have a serious crush on the woman and doesn't remember everything. JD was having some trouble speaking so Fred played some Napoleon Dynamite clips.
Liz called in and told Howard that she's old enough to be JD's mother. She said that JD was very sweet and came into his office one day. He asked her about the picture she had on her desk of her and her husband. JD was crushed when he found out she was married and she thought that was very sweet. Howard asked Liz if she would even consider doing JD if she wasn't married. She said ''probably not'' because he's not her type and he's too young.
Artie told JD that this is going to happen forever and he's going to get rejected until he starts making some money. Howard told JD he could probably get Penny Crone.
Jon Hein had a preview for today's Wrap Up Show. He said they'll be talking about Ronnie's cursing ban, Misty the Messiah and a few other things. Jon said that they'll also try to figure out why Howard's mics were all screwed up this morning. Howard thanked them for coming in and let them go so Robin could start her news.
JD came back in to explain why he was in Liz's office. He said he gets some audio clips from a guy at Raw Dog and her office is right next to his office, that's why he was down there. He said this crush isn't anything like Jason and Annemarie. He didn't elaborate on that. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard read some e-mail during Robin's news. One e-mail was for Shuli keeping his ''Shalom everybody'' sign off while another one was against it. There was also an e-mail asking Robin if she ever put out an audio book for her book ''Quivers a Life.'' She did and Howard said he thought about doing one for his book but he wanted to put in a bunch of clips from the old radio show. The writer wanted Howard to release his book ''Miss America'' on audio tape but Howard has no plans to do that.
Howard read another e-mail from a guy who said that the gayest song conversation they had last week had him thinking and he came up with Wham's ''Wake me Up Before You Go Go.'' Robin said that she thought that Dexys Midnight Runner's ''Come On Eileen'' was the gayest she's heard. There was also someone who said that there was a really gay Boz Skaggs song. Howard seems to agree with the Wham song being very gay. Artie said that it was actually a David Hasselhoff song called ''One and One Makes Three'' that was the gayest song he ever heard.
Howard got an e-mail from someone who said that they can't believe that Bubba gets paid seven figures for being on radio. Howard said he doesn't know what Bubba makes and he never comments on salaries. He does know that he'll be on the Tucker Carlson show tomorrow night on MSNBC though.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and had a few more songs that could be candidates for the gayest songs. He said that Neil Sedaka's ''Laughter in the Rain'' is one. Another one is Dan Hill's ''Sometimes When We Touch.'' Howard said he actually likes that one. He also mentioned ''Dan Fogelberg's ''Longer Than'' but the guys reminded Vinnie that his ''Purple Dress'' is pretty gay as well. Vinnie said that song is great and it's been covered over a thousand times.
Richard Christy gave him ''Relax'' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood as another gay song. A phone caller also said that ''Too Shy'' by Kaja Googoo was another gay one. Robin insisted that Dexy's Midnight Runner's ''Come On Eileen'' was the gayest so Fred played some of that as Howard introduced it in his old WNBC voice. Gary came in and said that ''Break my Stride'' by Matthew Wilder was pretty gay and Howard used to open the show with that song almost every morning for months when they were at WNBC. Gary came up with another gay song called ''We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off'' so Fred played that one as well. Howard said he wanted to suck a dick after hearing that song a little bit. Howard talked about how Kevin Metheney (Pig Virius) refused to let them talk over songs when they were at NBC. He didn't let them do anything like that back then and he had no vision of what the future was going to be.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show talking about how hard it is to believe that they're on satellite radio now. He also talked about a nice valentine's date card he got from Wendy the Retard and one from Mariann from Brooklyn. He showed off the card from Wendy and the handwriting was very hard to understand from what he was saying. He threw that out after sharing it with everyone in the studio. He said he saves his kid's stuff but he doesn't save stuff from fans like that.
Howard tried to take a call but the caller was unable to hear what was going on because he was listening to his radio. He called Adam a cocksucker and told him to talk to him but the guy was still unable to hear him. The caller said that he couldn't hear anything on the phone but that's because he was listening to the radio. They eventually discovered that there was actually a problem with the phones. Howard was going to put the guy on hold because he was pissed.
Thom the Tech came in and tried to help figure out what was going on. Howard told him this kind of crap has to work every morning. He's trying to work. Howard had Fred go to break so they could figure out what was wrong. Thom told Howard that he was in there last night and may have done something to screw it up.
Howard told the guys about how he met Ronnie back when he was working in Hartford. He said Ronnie started writing to him after he drove him and he was writing it in Crayon or something. Ronnie said that it wasn't in Crayon, it was a nice letter that he wrote to him. Howard tried to tell the story but Ronnie told him it was bull crap.
Howard said he got the letter and Ronnie told him he wanted to be his friend or something. He was going around telling people that he was his biggest fan. NBC agreed to get him a limo back then and Ronnie was the one who came through with a reasonable price. He put up with his nuttiness because of the price of the limo. Ronnie said that he actually started working for him shortly before they went to K-Rock. He also said he knew what that letter said. He told Howard the letter said that he was a big fan and had been listening for a while. Howard said that's not true and he still has the letter so he'll bring it in to read it.
Yesterday Ronnie called into the Bubba the Love Sponge show on Howard 101 and started complaining about how Artie isn't really his friend. Ronnie ended up cursing on that show even after Howard told him he's not allowed to anymore. Howard told Ronnie that he's not funny when he curses but people like Bob Levy are funny. He doesn't mind when some people curse but it bothers him when Ronnie does.
Howard said that Ronnie is constantly using the F-word and the C-word and it's got to stop. He played a clip of Ronnie talking about how he doesn't think Artie is his friend anymore because he never goes out to lunch with him. He was having that discussion on the Wrap Up show recently. Ronnie really does seem to have a problem with Artie but he swears he doesn't really care.
Howard told Ronnie that he's being a baby about all of that stuff. Artie said that he has asked Ronnie to go to lunch sometimes but he's always got to work so he can't go. Ronnie thinks that he asks when he knows that he can't go so things never work out. Artie told him that he's delusional and he really thought that they were friends. Ronnie said he's not friends with anyone, he barely hangs out with his girlfriend Dana.
Robin said that Scott the Engineer hates him as well. He was talking about him on Howard 100 News this week and going off on him as well. Ronnie kept saying that he doesn't care but he wouldn't just drop it and move on. Ronnie said that he called into Bubba's show last night to talk about the upcoming roast and Bubba seemed to be afraid to talk about what was coming up. Ronnie said he told Bubba to just let it rip and go off on him all he wants.
Ronnie said that Dan the Song Parody Man offered to write some jokes for him but he'd rather have a dead man write for him. He said no one else was willing to write anything for him so he didn't take his jokes. Robin thought that Ronnie was having a breakdown and acting like a bitch. Howard told Ronnie to just sit there and take it.
Captain Janks called in and said that he couldn't sleep last night because he was looking forward to this show so much. He also asked Howard to play some bits that Sal and Richard did yesterday so that's just what he did. He played the Ronnie Mund Show - Tonight Show parody that was played on yesterday's show. There was also the 'Curse Master Jr.' bit that was also played yesterday. Howard replayed that and Janks said he can't wait for the roast that they had coming up. Howard played the ''Four Foot Angry Jew'' song parody that Richard created too.
Ralph called in and said he sees a major meltdown coming from Ronnie today. He said someone had better check him for weapons before roasting him. He also told Howard about how bad Ronnie has been complaining about stuff lately. Howard reminded Ralph that he was interrupting all of the comedians during his roast last month as well so he shouldn't talk. He does think it's funny when Ralph laughs at Ronnie though.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if they'll ever do a big roast where they have a lot of people and roast someone big. Howard said that today they've got a full studio and they may move the roast into the ''fish bowl'' studio but then it's not as much fun. He said he then thought about doing a show at night and do it at a venue where they could invite a bunch of people and replay it in the morning. He said the TV guys were worried about that because of the costs of moving cameras around but they'll work everything out.
Artie said that the way they do the roasts on Comedy Central is torture because the comedians have to eat in front of the audience. Howard said they won't do anything like that, they'll just do a couple of hours at a place where they can get in and out quickly.
Another caller said he wanted to talk about Ronnie a little bit. He said that he doesn't get why he thinks Artie doesn't like him. Howard thinks that Ronnie is just paranoid. He said that it's going to be a great roast today. Artie said that there are some people you just can't talk to and Ronnie seems to be one of those guys who has his mind set and it can't be changed.
A caller told Howard that he's sick of Bubba the Love Sponge and wants to hear more Crack-Whore View instead. Howard said that show is on hiatus and in redevelopment. He said that they weren't ''street'' enough for the show and they have to figure out how to change that.
A woman called in and said that the show is better than ever and she can't wait for the roast today. She loves Ronnie and the rest of the guys. She also said that there was a local radio station up in Albany where they were playing one of Sal's prank calls. Howard wanted to find out what company owns the station so he can do something about it. Sal said the call is the ''My Turbin is Dirty'' call that he did back at K-Rock. Howard said he'll get on that.
The woman asked Robin about the days when she was using sausage to pleasure herself and if she warmed it up. Robin said she would put it in warm water. Howard and Artie were having some fun goofing around with the sausage word. Howard said that if he was a woman, he'd be shoving everything in there.
Gary said that he spoke to Tim and Tim said that he asked Eric what he was going to do on the show and he didn't have a plan so he decided not to put it on the air. Howard said that was the whole idea of the show, it's going to be a train wreck and that's what they want. Gary said that Eric also put up a posting on a message board where he gave his phone number and Tim's phone number and a bunch of e-mail addresses because of what was going on.
Tim came in and told Howard that he can't put him on the air without a plan because it's going to sound awful. Howard told him that's what he expects and he should just give him the show. It's going to be horrible and he already knows that. Tim said he wasn't too happy about Eric putting his phone number on a message board either.
Howard wanted to know what Eric plans on doing so he asked him to tell them what it was going to be. Eric said he e-mailed Tim yesterday but he couldn't remember what he said. Tim said that Eric wants a bunch of guests for the show and he doesn't want to spend any money on the show if it's going to be horrible. Howard said that Eric seems to like to call in and demand shows but he can never come through when he has to.
Howard talked about last night's American Idol for a short time. Gary said that Eric had posted something on a message board where he asked people to write down the phone numbers to call for the voting on American Idol. He said he found that to be pretty funny. Howard and Gary were talking about some of the contestants on this season and how young some of them are. There's one chick who had a horrible looking ass that they spent a minute talking about.
Howard got the notes that Eric sent to Tim Sabean. Eric said that some of the ideas came from people on MySpace. He wrote about the people he wants on the show and none of them are lined up for the show. Howard joked that Brian Dunkleman will carry him to the bathroom at some point. Eric said he didn't write that one though. Howard read through more of the notes where Eric explained what he'd be doing and didn't understand some of his stuff. Howard said he really has to hear this show. Eric thinks that he can get an interview with some of the contestants from Idol but that probably won't happen.
Howard said he kind of likes the rundown that Eric has for the show and he can't wait to hear it. Eric said that he'll be doing this show on March 8th. He said he posts the notes on his MySpace account. Robin said she never goes there because it scares her... because people like Eric and ''Da Bad Ass'' (JD) are on there.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what happened to Debbie the Space Alien. Howard told her that she died many years ago. The woman had no idea. She was also talking about how she was doing a ratings book for Arbitron and had to cancel that because she's no longer listening to terrestrial radio. She told Howard that she told them that she wants to listen to people speak like adults so she switched to satellite radio.
Howard read some ratings info about KLSX which was his Los Angeles affiliate. They went from a 4.1 share in December to a 1.9 share in January. They said that people are kind of heading away with the station since Howard left. The woman said that she thought that Crazy Misty from yesterday's show sounded kind of like Debbie the Space Alien and that's actually why she called in.
In the first clip Tyra said that the fear they feel is absolute terror. She then talks about being afraid of dolphins. She went to Sea World to conquer her fear... of dolphins. Howard said he might be afraid of dolphins but he would never know because he's never near them. In one clip Tyra explains her fear but doesn't have a very good explanation for why she's afraid of them. He said the loud music in the clip was probably to drown out her stupidity. In another clip she starts to cry as she's confronting her fear.
Howard said that there is no reason to confront her fears unless she wants to be a dolphin trainer or something. He played more of the audio and said that it sounds like she was raped by a dolphin with this fear she has. There's another woman who had a fear of pennies. Howard played that clip and Artie was laughing his ass off as he listened. Howard said that he needs to put this crap on the ''Who Gives a Shit'' channel. The woman said that she has family members who will throw pennies on teh floor and laugh at her. Howard wrapped up after that and said that they still had the roast to get to and BEetlejuice too. He wnet to break a short time later.
Lisa told Howard that Sal will have a special report today about the pet peeves that people have about Penny Crone. Penny will have another report on her series of pet peeve reports and today's will be Will Murray. Robin said she's heard some of that stuff lately and yesterday's was about Artie. She heard some interesting stuff during that one.
Lisa told Howard that they'll have a preview of a show called ''Basic Training'' that Brent Hatley from Bubba's show put together. Howard said that it's kind of a serious show but Brent is a bright guy and he has a lot to say about the war in Iraq and it should be good. Howard let Lisa go so Gary came in and told Howard that Brent Hatley was there so he had him bring him in.
Brent told Howard that they've got a lot of stuff to talk about on that Basic Training show. He said that they actually have one guy who supports the war and has a pretty positive perspective on it. Brent doesn't feel the same way as that guy and that's what they'll be discussion on this show tonight. Howard and Brent spent a couple of minutes talking about the crazy stuff going on in Iran and North Korea.
Brent showed Howard his latest tattoo which is Howard's fist logo on his leg. Howard thought that was pretty extreme. Brent also brought up the ratings of KLSX out in Los Angeles and talked about how bad Adam Carolla is doing there. They also talked a little bit about David Lee Roth. Brent said that he heard that the people who hired Roth aren't too happy with what they have. Howard said that it could take a year to a year and a half before those guys find their audience though. He said it may even take up to 2 years for Roth to find an audience but the company has to give him time.
Howard said that he's heard things about what goes on over there at the old K-Rock and he could shock people with what he knows. He said there is a lot of fighting going on over there. He understands why Roth wants potted plants and stuff over there because it's like a morgue over there. Howard wanted to bring in Beetlejuice next. He spent a few more minutes talking to Brent and then brought him in.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about what happened to his manager Sean. Beet said that he's doing okay after suffering from a stroke. Howard asked Beet if he's more of a man than Sean is. Beetle told Howard that he told Sean that he is more of a man because he didn't have a stroke himself.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about making a call to 911 after finding Sean on the floor of their house. Beet said he walked in and found him laying there so he just picked him up and put him over his shoulder and carried him out with one hand. He said he put him on the couch after picking him up. Howard asked him what he did when he actually called 911 and tried to reenact what happened. Howard played the part of the 911 operator. Beet played along and told the operator what was wrong. He was about to give out his address so Howard cut him off and reminded him that he wasn't the real 911 operator.
Beetlejuice said that Sean's wife Michelle is managing him while Sean is recovering. You can book Beet for gigs by going through JollyDwarf.com. Howard gave him a plug for that site and then took some phone calls.
One phone caller had the dump button hit on him. Howard said he hit the delay because there was too much profanity and said something about the desperation over at XM growing and growing. He got back to Beet and talked to him about his career and asked if Sean is going to be okay. Beetle seems to think he'll be just fine but he won't be able to have sex.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he welcomed him to the world of satellite and wondered why he wasn't cursing. Beet said that he has no reason to curse so he won't be doing that. Howard said that Beet used to curse all the time over at the other station and they'd have to hit the delay on him. Howard asked Beet some questions about what's going on in the world with Hammas and stuff like that. Beet just played along and gave answers that sounded good to him. Howard asked him about the death of Rosa Parks and Beet rambled a little bit about nothing, not making any sense at all.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about Brokeback Mountain which he didn't know anything about. He also asked him about Dick Cheney's shooting and Beet seems to think that he should go to jail. The guys even asked him what his favorite curse word is of all time but Beet wouldn't say it. He said he'll never curse on satellite because he's too simple to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Beet to tell the truth about Sean. He said that Sean was cleaning out his diaper pail and passed out. He was trying to get Beet to curse but he just wouldn't do it. Beetle told him he looks like a ''black jew'' but that was as dirty as he'd get. The caller said that it was the smell of the diaper pail that made Sean pass out. Beetlejuice said he doesn't wear diapers. Howard said that Beet shits right in his pants like a real man.
Another caller said that Sean had a heart attack because Beet was banging his wife. Beetlejuice said that he bangs her (not really) because he loves her and she loves him. Beet said that Sean doesn't even know that he's banging her. Another caller said he heard that Beet was sleeping with his wife and he found his underwear in his room. Beetlejuice wasn't falling for that and said he was never there. He said if he was really banging her, his wife wouldn't be there any longer, she'd be right out the door. Howard wrapped up with Beet and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they had comedians Bob Levy, Rappin' Granny, Sal the Stockbroker, Jim Florentine, Artie Lange, Richard Christy, Mike Morse, Don Jamieson, Shuli, Yucko the Clown and Bubba the Love Sponge there to roast Ronnie. He had some problems with his boom microphone so he had to cut that off. He then moved on to Bubba the Love Sponge who is making an appearance on MSNBC tonight.
He said he heard that Bubba prepares for stuff like that by taking water pills to help him lose weight. Howard spoke to Bubba about that for a short time. Bubba said he tries to look his best so he tries to lose a few pounds before going on TV shows. He said it's an old Hulk Hogan trick to take the pills before doing stuff like that just to lose some of his bloat. He said he can lose 3 or 4 pounds in one day but you gain it right back when you drink something.
Howard had to change the way they were working microphones in the studio. Gary thought he was covering an area that Howard actually wanted two people to cover. JD was working a boom microphone but he was sitting on the floor and the microphone was making noise. He had to toss the microphone out because it was making so much noise and it wasn't a real ''boom microphone'' like he requested. JD was moving it around and it was making all kinds of strange noises. Gary had to ask for Scott the Engineer to come in and help out. Howard was pissed that he couldn't get his audience mic'd. Scott came in and said that the staff there at SIRIUS made the microphone, he didn't have anything to do with it. He also told Howard they can't move that thing around like JD was doing. Howard said he wanted to hang himself while all of that was going on. Howard said the audience was about 20 or 30 people.
Ronnie was nowhere to be found so Gary said he wanted to make an entrance. A minute later Ronnie came in with two Scores dancers, Brook and Dakota, and another hot chick by the name of Robin. That was the entrance he wanted to make. Ronnie let Howard know that the one girl wasn't a dancer (but she was the hottest of the three, I was there), she was just a civilian.
Howard turned everything over to Bob Levy and had him start off the roast. Bob didn't waste any time on anyone else, he started right in on Ronnie. He said that Ronnie is the only guy he can stand next to and feel young again. He had a bunch of jokes about his height and age and goofed on him about being a security guard. He also goofed on his tight fitting shirts and how he once ran away from Gary Busey when he was attacking Robin and Howard. He also said that he's so small that when he gets on an airplane, he is carry on luggage. Bob goofed on Ronnie about being Howard's driver and even goofed on him about his dead dog. He said that when the dog died, it went up to heaven and requested a name change to ''lucky.''
Next up was Rappin' Granny who had some pretty funny jokes. She had some gifts for Ronnie from the guy who manages her. Howard thought she was going to bomb but she was actually getting some laughs with her material. Gary seemed to find a lot of her jokes to be pretty funny. She was goofing on him about his limo driving and how he has to clean up vomit and stripper doody from his limo. Howard told her to quit while she was ahead and had her sit down.
Bob introduced Sal the Stockbroker who was up next. Sal started in by goofing on Bob Levy and his leather jacket. He then started in on Ronnie and made a lot of Jew jokes about him. He was pretty brutal but Howard was laughing his ass off. He said that Ronnie is so old that he got a lap dance from Anne Frank. He made fun of his height and asked who guards the top half of Howard when Ronnie is guarding the lower half. Sal got a little personal when he attacked Ronnie's wife but he was killing with most of his jokes.
Howard asked Ronnie how he was doing. Ronnie was doing just fine with the 3 hot chicks surrounding him. Bob said he likes to look over and see 4 pussies sitting there. He introduced Jim Florentine who goofed on him a little bit. He also goofed on Yucko a little bit and suggested to him that he finally wash that clown uniform of his. He did a couple of quick jokes about Artie and Shuli before moving on to Ronnie. He goofed on Ronnie's height just like the other guys were doing. He mentioned something about Ronnie having to sit on 4 phone books to see over the steering wheel. He cracked a few other jokes and Ronnie wasn't impressed. He said that Jim sucked but did thank him for bringing in Robin (the hot chick). Jim said that Ronnie is so old that when he reaches for his gun he pulls out a colostomy bag. He also said that he got a lap dance at Scores and shot a load in his diaper. He joked that he's so old that when he drove past a grave yard the other day and the workers started chasing him with shovels. Jim did a few other jokes and wrapped up his set. Ronnie still didn't like his act and asked him if it's true that when he bombs on a roast that he'll never work again. Jim and Ronnie went back and forth goofing on each other for a few seconds.
Ronnie was crying about all of his jokes so Bob said that maybe they just went over his head... another short joke. Bob then brought up the next roaster, Artie Lange. Artie got up and started goofing on everyone and killed. He goofed on Ronnie first and asked why he would hang out with him, he's already got someone to drive him to work. Then he said that he's so short that you can see his feet in his driver's license picture. Artie goofed on Bob Levy a little bit about how old he looks. He was also goofing on Bob complaining about Dave Chappelle stealing one of his jokes. Artie goofed on Bubba a little bit about the water pills he's taking. He also goofed on Sal the Stockbroker a little bit. He even went off on Penny Crone and Howard Stern a little bit. He pointed out that Howard hired a whole news team to report on him and called him a pompous ass. He also suggested some more Round Table shows to discuss Howard. Artie had a few more jokes about Ronnie and then wrapped up. Ronnie said that he did like the way Artie ripped open Howard's asshole. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Bob Levy get back to the roast. He brought up Richard Christy who had a song to perform live for Ronnie. Richard performed a song to the tune of AC/DC's ''You Shook Me All Night Long'' called ''That Jew is a Grumpy Asshole.'' The audience sang along with him for the chorus.
Bob introduced comedian Mike Morse next. Mike goofed on Bob a little bit about his age and spelling abilities. He goofed on Shuli and Sal the Stockbroker too. He had a bunch of funny stuff about those guys and about Artie. Then he moved on to Ronnie and joked about his height and asked Howard if he hired him because he was getting death threats from Dakota Fanning. He also asked Howard ''...what's next, hiring Cabbie to do your taxes?'' He said that Ronnie is about as popular as a cold sore on a dick. He went through a bunch of other jokes about Ronnie's love for NASCAR and then wrapped up.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he wishes that he was there because he thinks Ronnie was an asshole. Artie said that Jeff is the only person who wishes he were there. Jeff barely got in a few words before Artie started doing his impression of him. Howard asked Ronnie if he was okay because he looked upset. Ronnie said that he was fine and goofed on Mike Morse about not knowing who the guy is... just like Ralph did a month ago.
Next up was Don Jamieson. Don goofed on Bob about his drinking and then said that he had just tripped over Rappin' Granny's twat on his way up to the microphone. He then started goofing on Ronnie. He said his driving is so bad that Billy Joel won't even get in the car with him. He also said that he's so old that he'll be a vegetable in a few years... and then Robin can masturbate with him. He continued to goof on Ronnie relentlessly for a couple more minutes. His closing joke didn't go over very well though.
Howard told Bob that he really loves this roast show he's doing. He took a call from a guy who said that Artie and Sal had done the best on the roast... but it wasn't over yet. Bob introduced Shuli next and said he couldn't be anymore Jewish if his parents had named him Kike. Shuli got up to the mic and goofed on Sal the Stockbroker for a short time. He also goofed on Penny Crone from Howard 100 News a little bit. He eventually got to Ronnie and said that he was looking at the girls surrounding him and wondered who had more plastic, their tits or his hip. He killed with a bunch of other jokes about his height and things like that. He said he's never known anyone who puts on a t-shirt with a shoe horn... and then let Ronnie know that they do make a size medium now.
Captain Janks asked if they could do this Ronnie Roast every night. Bob said they might be able to make that happen. Howard took a couple more calls and people thought that Ronnie was crying over all of this. Ronnie wasn't crying but he sure sounded angry as he called one caller a moron.
Yucko the Clown was next up. He goofed on Bob a little bit about the Diner gig he's doing this weekend. Bob reminded him that he's appearing with him. Yucko moved on to Ronnie a short time later and had a bunch of funny jokes about his age. He would honk his trademark horn each time he told a joke as usual. At one point he stumbled over one line and Ronnie took that chance to say that he was bombing. He told Yucko to give it up because no one was laughing. They were laughing though so Ronnie was just busting his balls. Ronnie continued to talk about how he bombed but did say that he did kill on Ralph's roast.
Howard got back to Bob Levy who introduced the next roaster who was Bubba the Love Sponge. Bubba told everyone that he's not a comedian so he wasn't going to tell jokes about him. He said that he doesn't have any one liners or anything like that. He just wanted to talk to him a about what a fake and a phony he is. He tried to talk to Ronnie but Ronnie shot back and started goofing on him. He kept interrupting him as he was trying to ask him questions. Bubba was trying to find out why Ronnie had to bring in the girls as security. The two of them went back and forth for a short time.
Bubba brought along a bit that his guy Ned sent along about Ronnie. It was a Bud commercial parody that was pretty funny. Bubba also told the audience that they had some 50% off coupons for the audience. Artie said he didn't know that he could pre-record his bit next time so he can kill too. Bubba said that he's not a comedian that's why he did that.
Howard took a phone call from Bobo who said that this roast was great but Ronnie should sit down and take it without complaining. Ronnie said that's what he was doing even though he was complaining about it the whole time. Bob took over again and said they were going to bring Ronnie up to retaliate against everyone else. Howard interrupted and said he heard that the hot chick in the blue bikini wanted to take her top off. She whipped it off a few seconds later and everyone was impressed (I know I impressed... Damn she was hot!). Robin said that she's not a model, she works at a bank. Howard said it must be a sperm bank. Howard said that maybe she's a security guard and she went to the same school as Ronnie. Robin said that she would take her pants off if Ronnie did a good job with his retaliation. Everyone knew that she wouldn't be taking those things off.
Ronnie tried to retaliate but no one was laughing. He complained that Nick DiPaolo didn't show up for the roast like he was supposed to. He tried to goof on Bob about his jacket and his hair that he used to color. It wasn't going over very well though. He also complained that Benjy didn't participate in this thing. Benjy told a couple of the jokes he wrote. The guys figured it was best that he didn't participate after hearing the jokes.
Ronnie moved on to Bubba, who he called ''Bubber'' with his New York accent. He goofed on the outfit he was wearing but the jokes weren't working so Gary asked if Robin could take her pants off. Robin said that she would do it if the other girls did it. One of the strippers, Brook, said that she didn't want to do it but after taking a shot of Tequila, she did take her top off. She was afraid that her mother might see her and kill her. She asked what channel he was on and if her mother would see it. The guys told her that no one is going to see it. She took the shot and took off her top. Everyone cheered when she finally took it off.
Artie was taking a couple of shots as well. The two girls were standing next to each other topless. Brook didn't know that they weren't going to blur out her boobs. Robin took off her jeans and exposed her thong bikini bottom. Ronnie then grabbed her and walked her around the studio so everyone could see her (Did I mention how hot she was?). Howard just wanted to end it though because he was dragging this on too long. There were more shots of tequila being passed around the studio as that was going on. Ronnie tried to goof on the guys but there still wasn't any laughter.
Howard told Ronnie to stop because he was driving this roast right into the ground. He then wrapped up after mentioning everyone who participated in the roast. He also thanked the girls for coming in and went to break right after that.
Scott came in a short time later and said that it might be 10 times worse when Bob and his crew roast him. They spent a couple of minutes. Howard took a call from a guy who said something about there no being a portable SIRIUS unit that gets a live feed. That's not true but Howard said there is a phone that gets SIRIUS channels now.
Howard said that they didn't give all of those guys plugs during the roast. They got in a bunch of plugs for all of the sites that they could remember. Howard took another phone call from a guy who thought the roast went very well. Howard said that they may do something special for the next roast. They might do it at night so they can all have cocktails and do the roast at night.
Artie said that he has the ability to remember his jokes very easily. He said he wrote them down, read over them and remembered them. He said he used to do that back when he was on Mad TV. He could remember 6 sketches at a time back then. Howard said he was even able to do his lines without stumbling over anything as well.
Bob told Howard that they should start doing the club dates after they roast Scott. He's not big enough to make it worth doing in a club. Howard asked when they're going to start roasting some real celebrities. Bob said that after they do everyone on the show they'll be able to get anyone.
Jon Hein was there too so he gave a quick preview of what they'd be talking about on the Wrap Up show today. Most of that was going to focus on the Ronnie Roast of course. Howard then moved on to Steve the Intern who will be hosting the Intern Show tonight. He said that Gary will be sitting in with them as well as Mitch Vitell who used to be an intern there on the show. Gary said that Mitch will be on Howard's show in April.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One woman said that her father was killed over the weekend and got killed in a freak accident. She said that he was at a car wash and got hit by someone who was pulling out another car. Howard and Robin asked the woman if they're keeping the SIRIUS subscription. She said they would keep it for the year. Howard was just kidding and wondered why they would keep it for one more day after their father died.
Bob told Howard that his show Miserable Men will be back next month as well so he's happy about that. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin started her news after that.
Howard also mentioned that they'll be giving out the details for the upcoming Howard Stern Film Festival on tomorrow's show.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show pretty early, around 10:10am.
Howard started off the show talking about his big night watching American Idol last night. He didn't vote for anyone though. He said the only guy he likes is the old guy with the grey hair. He also said he'd like to kill Paula Abdul because he's so annoyed with her. He said that she interrupts Simon Cowell and she doesn't seem to understand that it's the concept of the show for the judges to give their opinion. Howard agrees with Simon 100 percent of the time and he's sick of her interrupting him. Gary said that she always has something positive to say and she repeats her comments about these people being on a ''journey.'' Howard said that they're pretty much doing the same thing that Eric the Midget would be doing on an American Idol review show.
Howard said he likes to have some serious shows like that on his channels because he doesn't want everything to be goofy. Brent can keep the show moving along from what he hears. Howard will be listening to the show today to catch up on that. Howard is hoping that Brent can put together a couple more of those shows for them.
Gary said that he was talking to Penny yesterday and she told him that she thought that Ronnie's wife sounded like High Pitch Eric because of her odd sounding voice. Ronnie said the raw tape was even better than what they aired last night. Howard played the audio from that segment where Penny explains why she's calling Bonnie. When Artie heard Ronnie doing the impression of a woman, he was dying laughing. It was so obvious that it was Ronnie doing the voice and not really his wife.
Penny was asking him questions as if it was really his wife and no one could believe she fell for it. Artie told Ronnie that the call was a classic. Ronnie was saying everything that he'd want his wife to say about him. Meanwhile Penny was telling him what an understanding wife she was.
Ronnie didn't think they'd actually run that segment because it was so unbelievable. Howard did his impression of Ronnie doing his impression and it was almost as bad. He said that it was one of the funniest things he's ever heard. Artie said that was the best ending to a roast ever.
Howard said he was impressed with Sal's roast yesterday so he replayed some audio from that. His roast was pretty brutal but everyone was laughing. Howard said that he was very pleased with that performance.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie handled that roast pretty well yesterday. Howard said he was fine. Another caller said that he liked the roast as well. He also said that a friend of his is really into NASCAR so he signed up for XM because of that. He said that they told his friend that they haven't locked into it yet so it may not stay there. The guy said he called XM to find out what's going on there and they told him that they can only say that they have NASCAR coverage now. Ronnie came in and said that XM hired a couple of NASCAR drivers to do half hour shows there.
The caller said that the customer support woman told him that after losing NASCAR and not signing Howard, they're estimating that they're losing about 6 million customers. She said that the word of mouth on that is going to screw them so bad that the subscription service department is going to be known as the cancellation department.
Howard said that XM is fighting back and there were 3 guys with Opie and Anthony signs downstairs. He said they rolled out their whole ''army'' and they're pretty scary guys. He said it's really frightening when you see 3 of those signs down there. Ronnie said that he knows a guy who works in an electronics store called PC Richard and they can't give away XM radios.
Robin said she was in a Best Buy store recently and there were no SIRIUS radios because they were all sold out. Howard read an article about how SIRIUS outsold XM in the retail market 2-1 in January. He said that when he signed on to SIRIUS people didn't even know the name of the company. Now they're even more well known than even XM.
The caller Howard had on the line said that he loves the show and he's glad that the FCC did to him what they did. That led to Howard reading an article about the FCC banning a new four letter word from the airwaves. He said that they're going to be citing more stations and following through on the CBS fine for the Janet Jackson boob incident. Howard said that he loves this because it makes satellite even more enticing. He said he can't wait for the entire Infinity Radio company to crumble under those people. Howard can't wait to prove those people wrong who think that pay radio can't succeed.
The caller told Howard that he used to have problems getting headaches drinking beer but when he drinks Heineken, he doesn't have that problem. That led to him talking about how great it is that Howard has so few commercials now. Howard said he was talking to one guy from TomatoVine.com who said that they've had a great response from his fans. Howard thinks that having fewer commercials allows his fans to concentrate on those few ads and they're getting a great response.
Robin said that Bob and Artie were talking about the process of writing for a roast and how they do it. They both think that it's easier to write that kind of comedy than it is to write a stand-up act. Howard was impressed with how Artie did that without reading. A caller said that Artie and Sal really killed yesterday. Howard was about to say that they're going to eventually move the roast to a venue where they can do it at night and drink during it. The caller asked to hear Ned's song parody that they played during the roast. Howard was going to play that but talked about some of the guests they had coming in this morning. After that he played the Ned thing and then went to commercial break.
Howard read an article about the Maryland Lieutenant Governor comparing stem cell research to the Nazi experiments. He had to apologize for that after making the comments. Howard said that it's just more stupidity coming from the religious kooks in this country. He talked about how these people are rejecting science and how they don't want to believe that humans could have come from monkey's mating. Robin said that the government is going to be trying to pass some bills that will test Roe Vs. Wade to try and get that reversed.
Howard said he probably doesn't talk enough about Howard TV (Howard Stern On Demand) because there's so much stuff going on there. March 16th is the day the channel launches with the new material from the SIRIUS show. Doug Goodstein came in and talked about some of the great stuff they have coming up then. They wanted to do something big for the launch so they came up with this film festival. Howard read the press release and said that pretty much anything goes but it will set a new low for festivals.
They're going to hold the film festival on April 27th and will have all of their friends there. Richard Roeper will be there but Roger Ebert won't be coming according to Doug. He said he apparently has a scheduling conflict. The first place winner gets $15,000. Second gets $7,500 and third gets $2,500. Doug said that they're going to be looking for a theater that holds about 500 people.
Doug said that anyone who wants to find out more can check out Howard.tv. They said that people can do anything they want based on anything to do with the radio show.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they're going to have Howard TV in high def. Howard said they're already shooting it in HD so it's in the works. Howard said he's been changing over his stuff to HD. Doug said he did the same and talked about how much different it is in HD. The caller said he wants to see Robin in High Def.
Doug said that the submissions are due on April 11th and they will start airing on Howard TV on April 28th. Howard said this is open to anyone except illegal immigrants. Doug said they can't even allow Canadian entries. He said that they had a lot of lawyers drafting up that stuff. He said that people really need to read the rules carefully because you can't use certain music and things like that in your movies. He said he can't wait to see what they get.
Howard asked Fred if he would enter anything. Fred said he can't because he's an employee. Howard said he could do it for fun though. Doug said that JD wanted to do something but he couldn't articulate it to him so he has no idea what it was about. JD came in and said that it would involve Howard running into Regis in his apartment building but he hasn't written it out yet. Howard asked JD why he can't explain what it is that he wants to do. JD said that he hasn't fully thought it out yet so that's why he can't do it. He said he did have an idea to do a documentary on Ronnie out in the halls. Howard thought that was a good idea so JD said he may do that. Howard said that they should post some scripts and stuff so people can remake some of their bits.
The caller said that Beth didn't look like she enjoyed the grab ass. Howard said he's stuck because Beth doesn't want him talking about it but he is kind of bothered by it. Robin said it's almost like they're inviting people to keep touching her when they keep showing that stuff on the show. Howard asked if it's the rape channel or something and wondered if they're going to let someone stick a finger in her next.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who thought they should take JD's explanation earlier and put it up against Dave Chappelle's appearance on Oprah because he was pretty incoherent. Howard said they like Dave and he used to come on the show. Now he won't show them love anymore. He said he read a theory on the internet that said that Dave may have been spoken to by Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey about not doing stereotypical stuff on his show and that may have led to him giving up his Comedy Central show.
Howard played some audio from American Idol where Paula Abdul was telling a contestant that he's on a journey. Howard said she doesn't understand that this is a competition show and she should criticize these people. She tells many of the contestants that they're on a journey when Simon is crushing their hopes. In one clip Randy Jackson tells the contestant that he'd give them a 6 and Paula has to be the nice person and tell them that they're not that bad. Howard said that there's a guy on the show who looks just like Shuli and he wants him to win.
Howard wondered if Donald is overreacting to this. He said that Martha seemed to be saying that maybe there was just too much ''Apprentice'' on the air and that's why her show failed. Howard said that Donald is coming on the show on Monday so maybe they should have Martha come in and try to straighten things out. He played more of the Donny Deutsch interview and then played some audio from the Alexis Stewart Show that airs there on SIRIUS.
Martha called in to her daughter's show and gave her explanation for what she thinks is going on with Trump. She said she had a conversation with Mark Burnett who she claims told her she wanted to have her fire Trump and then just have one Apprentice show on the air. Things didn't work out that way because Donald wanted to keep his show. She said she never would have agreed to do the show if she knew that they were going to have two versions on the air at the same time.
Howard said he doesn't know why a business woman wouldn't know exactly what she was getting into. Robin said that she needed to get her name out there and would probably agree to do anything at that point. She talked about how Donald co-promoted her show with her and seemed to be supporting her very well throughout the run of the show. She doesn't seem to understand why Trump is bad mouthing her now.
Alexis asked Martha if she would still be friends with Trump after all of this. She said it would be very hard to remain friends after all of this. She did have a good point when she said that Donald has his fifth season starting on Monday and this may be the only way he could get some attention for that because he has nothing else to say about the show now. Howard said they have to get the two of them on the show on Monday when Trump comes in.
Howard played one clip where Martha broke the news that Ivanca Trump is going to be replacing Caroline on ''The Apprentice'' this season and that's the big deal.
Howard said that the funny thing was that Ronnie sounded more like a woman than Penny did. Lisa said it's kind of tough when you call people all day long trying to get stories together.
Lisa said that they're doing a piece on Dan the Song Parody Man today. Howard said they should talk to him about the huge knife he gave him for his birthday. Lisa told Howard that she did her interview with John Grogan who wrote ''Marley & Me : Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog'' and she sent Howard his personal e-mail address. Howard said he got that and sent a note to John thanking him for the book. He said that the book actually helped him with his relationship with his family and even his dog.
Howard said that he used to have a distant relationship with his dog but now he's very close with her. He said he wished he hadn't read the book on the turbulent airplane ride he was on because he got upset while reading it and the flight attendant thought he was crying because of the turbulence. Lisa told Howard that the book is actually being made into a movie. He wasn't aware of that. Howard let Lisa go a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in Jon Stewart a short time later. Fred played some of the Goo Goo Dolls song that Jon and Howard danced to one time. Jon told Howard that the new studio is great and just getting out of the elevator there makes you realize how nice things are. Howard said that he worked in a dump before and the new place is great. He used to walk out of work with a headache and he thinks that was from the filth over there.
Howard told Jon that he's actually happy to be at this new place. He's had good luck with the people he's working with and he's never seen that before. He works more hours there and writes more because he's so comfortable there. Jon said you can feel it when listening to the show but it does come across a little queer.
Howard said that after the roast yesterday Artie came up to him and told him how much fun he's having there. He never realized they'd have so much fun. Howard told Jon that he had fun doing The Daily Show when he did that not too long ago. Jon said they were having a tough time then so it was kind of strange for them. Jon said that it was their first show back since one of their employees committed suicide. Howard asked him if he really cared about that guy or if he just had to put that on.
Jon jokingly said he's a robot and had to pretend that he cared. Then he said that he actually feels kind of parental because the kid was young. He had just been told he was getting a promotion on the show and they were moving him to production. It was a real shock when they found out.
Howard changed subjects and mentioned that Jon will be hosting the Academy Awards. Jon said he likes to go from suicide to hosting the Academy Awards. Jon told Howard that he was approached to do the show and he figures after enough people turn it down, they eventually get to him. Howard talked about how tough that gig is and how he has to be very careful about the way he goofs on people there at the awards show. That's what Jon does best. Jon said that he just has to find a balance there.
Artie and Jon talked about the time David Letterman hosted the Academy Awards and both of them thought he killed. Howard asked Jon who he thinks is the worst of the hosts. He wouldn't answer so Artie said that it was probably Whoopi Goldberg. Jon said that he has a bunch of the old shows in his DVD collection so he can see how certain people handled it.
Jon told Howard that the big thing is for him not to get caught up in trying to change things with the Oscars. He said he's not even worried about getting ratings because he's just fine with the .2 share he gets with his show. He said he doesn't have time to be nervous because he's got his own show and a 2 week old baby to worry about. He knows that he's going to be the only guy there who hasn't done shit with his career and he doesn't care.
Jon told Howard he didn't get nervous when he hosted the Grammy Awards and he though he sucked on that. He doesn't seem to care about that. He said he will have a few writers helping him out at the show to help out with the jokes. Artie said that Nick DiPaolo did an awards show one time and the big thing was the gift baskets that they got. There were some really nice things in there but there were also a bunch of crazy things that no one would ever use.
Gary came in and said that Howard was invited to an event where they were offering nice gift baskets but he decided not to go. Gary was going to go in his place but he was told that the gift basket was going to be modified because he's ''not Howard.'' Howard wondered why they would tell him that but Gary had no idea.
Howard said that one gift basket he got had a coupon for a free vacuum cleaner but you have to call to get it. He said that would look really bad and he would never do something like that. Robin knew just what he was talking about and said that she got hers.
Howard talked about the MTV awards show he did as Fartman and how he introduced Metallica. He was mooning the audience while they were accepting their award that year and he can't blame Lars Ulrich for kicking him in the asshole that day.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard how Jon compares to Dave Chappelle. Howard didn't seem to understand that question so he quickly moved on and asked Jon if he saw Dave on Oprah's show and if he understood his explanation of why he left the show. Jon said he thinks that Dave just felt like his show had run it's course and that's why he gave up on it. Howard said he disagrees and thinks he just went crazy. Jon said he didn't go crazy because he's still out doing his comedy and doing his thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked both Howard and Jon for their shows because he loves them both. He was saying some nice things about The Daily Show so Howard hung up on him and took a call from Ralph. Ralph said that Jon kind of ruined the show when Howard came on because he told him about the suicide right before he went on. Howard said it was probably best that they did tell him because he knew why they had that strange vibe going on there.
Robin said that Jon was sitting out in the green room before the show with his hand on his chin and staring off into space with a grimace on his face. Howard said that's just getting up at 7 in the morning. Jon said that's what it was. He asked Howard if he can just start doing the show at 9 in the morning instead of this early. Howard said he could do that but a lot of people like listening this early.
Ralph asked Jon if he's going to change his hair because he doesn't like the way it looks. Jon doesn't seem to care about that either and it doesn't sound like he'll be changing it.
Howard asked Jon if he ever imagined that he would be hosting the Oscars. Jon said he wouldn't have imagined it last year. He was very thrilled to get that offer. He said that some day they'll have an ''Im Memorium'' picture on that show and he will get some applause. He likes that. He also said that he doesn't get paid to host the Oscars show, it's just the honor of hosting it.
A phone caller said that he got stuck behind High Pitch Eric at The Daily Show when Howard was on and he stunk so bad he couldn't concentrate on the show. Howard wondered who let him into the show that day. Jon said there were about six guys there that got in somehow.
One caller asked Jon if he ever hosted the Academy Awards on weed. Jon said that he doesn't smoke weed anymore but he did stuff like that when he was on the road doing comedy. He said there's a lot of boredom when you're on the road and that's the kind of stuff you do to fill the time. He said that he be in a town from like Tuesday to Sunday and he would just get shit faced the whole week because there was nothing going on. Howard kept Jon around when they brought in Roger Ebert.
Howard asked Roger what he thinks about Jon being the host of the Oscars. Roger said he's looking forward to it because it will be a nice change. He said that he thought Chris Rock was going to be good last year but he may need another chance. Roger said that he likes Jon and actually bought a TiVo just so he could record his show. He also said he bought SIRIUS so he could listen to Howard.
Howard asked Roger if Jon is taking a risk by doing the awards show. Roger basically said he's got nothing to lose because he's no as famous as someone like Chris Rock. The guys spent a few minutes talking about the movies that they think will win the Oscars this year.
Howard asked Jon what kind of joke he could tell about Brokeback Mountain when he does the show. Jon isn't sure so Howard told him that he should come out dressed like Dice Clay and just call it a fag movie. Howard said that he didn't think the movie showed all that much gay stuff so Gary came in and asked about a scene where Jake Gyllenhal got on all fours and the other guy spit on his hand to grease up his penis. He wondered if that wasn't gay to Howard. The guys were all over the place with that so Howard moved on.
Roger got in a plug for his new book ''The Great Movies II'' which just came out this month. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about Jon's acting ability or lack thereof. Roger seems to think that Jon is great at what he does on The Daily Show because he's so natural doing that. He's not that great when it comes to acting though.
Howard brought up the fact that Roger dated Oprah Winfrey one time. Roger said that nothing romantic happened on the date. He said they went to a movie and out for a burger. Howard said that he was probably at his fattest back then and if he was the svelte Roger they know today, he may have had a better chance with her.
Howard and the guys talked about Dr. Phil for a short time goofing on him. Robin said that she thinks that Dr. Phil is such a phony that his marriage isn't even intact. Debbie Schlussel called in a short time later and Roger said that she's one of his e-mail buddies. She once linked him to Al Queda according to Roger. Debbie said that the guy she was talking about wasn't in Al Queda, but he is a terrorist. Roger said he knows this guy who runs a restaurant and he used to be a Kurd before this country disliked the Kurds. Roger said that the guy is not a terrorist but Debbie insists that he is.
Howard said that Debbie has also linked Jason Alexander to terrorists. She said that she thinks he's even worse than Roger is. Debbie said that this guy she's talking about is a terrorist and went on and on about the facts as she knows them. She said that he trained in a terrorist training camp and he lied about that stuff on his application for citizenship. Roger said that the case was thrown out but Debbie said that's not true either.
Artie was doing his impression of Debbie a little bit while she was still on the phone. She wanted to keep rambling on and on about this stuff. Roger said that Debbie linked him to a terrorist and that's just not the case. He said that his friend Ibriham is a very nice guy and he doesn't believe that he was a terrorist. Debbie said that he wasn't there to see it... So he pointed out that she wasn't there either. Howard said that Debbie is supposed to be on Al Jezeera today. She explained what she'll be doing on there and then Howard let her go.
Howard asked Roger if he's still friends with Oprah. He said he is and was at her 50th birthday party. He said that he spoke to a bunch of stars at the party and had some fun doing that. He said that Ivan Reitman told him that the tent they were in cost about $2 million to rent. After hearing about that Howard said that maybe he should stop dissing her and become her friend.
Howard gave Roger another plug for his book ''The Great Movies II.'' He asked Roger if he liked ''The Hulk.'' Roger said he actually did like it. Howard said he didn't like it in the theater but he loves it on TV. Howard asked him what he's heard about ''Superman Returns'' but Roger said he doesn't follow movies that are in production. Howard spent some time talking about Superman and how it's kind of flawed because the guy has these powers that he doesn't use to do cool things with.
Roger was impressed with the size of Robin's booth in the new studio. He said that it looks like it's about as big as the whole studio used to be. Howard asked Roger why he didn't review the Supertwink movie like Richard Roeper did. Roger said that he doesn't review ''On Demand'' programming.
Howard mentioned Gene Siskel who passed away 7 years ago. Howard said there's a clip floating around on the web right now and it's very funny. It was an outtake that wasn't supposed to be released. They were doing a promo for their show and ended up getting into an argument. Gene ended up calling Roger an asshole during that recording session. Roger said that he and Gene were never better than when they were ganging up on someone else. Howard said that Roger and Gene were great together because they were so honest. He wrapped up with Roger a short time later and went to commercial break.
Lisa said that Jerry Rice is a juggernaut and that's why he got the votes. Howard thinks that women are just jealous of Lisa and that's why she didn't get the votes. He said that he thinks that it was sports fans who were voting for Jerry and that's how he was able to stay on.
Lisa said that the finale is on Sunday night and they go from 3 couples down to two. She said that she thinks that getting voted off this early actually helped her out getting more notice than she would have gotten if she was on for the finale. Howard said that the show is flawed for him now because of the way the voting went.
Howard asked if it's true her husband will be on the show next season. Lisa said he said he would only be on if she won. Howard said that Lisa has an incredible body for a 42 year old woman. She wondered if that's too old to be in Playboy again.
Ralph called in and said that when people on that show put up the fake phone hand signal, it's really lame. He said that he actually loved Lisa on the show because she's so crazy. Howard asked her if she's good at oral with those huge lips of hers. She told Howard about a sex therapist she saw who taught her how to do it even better than she used to. Howard said that some women are so good at it that he would explode within seconds. He said there was one woman who he saw after his divorce who would do just that and it was amazing. She would give him oral and then let him walk out of the hotel room.
Lisa said that she didn't know exactly what to do and she got a confidence after learning exactly what to do. Howard said that a woman has to have a very wet mouth with no teeth hitting him. He also said that her tongue has to be constantly moving. Lisa said ''Exactly Howard'' as she heard that. Lisa said that she has taken that class and a strip class that helps her treat her man the way he wants to be treated.
Howard asked Lisa what he should do about the hairs he has growing on the shaft of his penis. She said that waxing would hurt so he should tweeze them out. Howard asked her to come in and tweeze his shaft for him. Lisa was telling Howard that she plays some role playing with her husband sometimes and her favorite may have been the nurses outfit she got in. Howard asked her to describe how she looked so she gave him a detailed description of what she wore for the nurses outfit. She said that she would pretend that she had to prepare him for a sponge bath or something like that.
Howard tried to reenact the scene where Harry would ask Nurse Lisa about washing his balls. He also pretended that he crapped the bed which turned Lisa off a bit. She was out of it after that. Howard told her about how he has tied up some women and basically tortures them. She said she liked what he was telling her and it sounded pretty good to her.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Lisa and then wrapped up with her. He gave her a plug for her web site BelleGray.com and then let her go.
Howard said that if you want originality, you have to listen to his show. He had a new bit called ''Ask the Retards'' where they had Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard answering questions. One woman asked why she gets diarrhea when she has her period. Gary and Wendy answered the question and ended up calling each other retards. Gary suggested that the woman take Robatussin to cure it but Wendy knew that the medication wasn't for diarrhea. The two of them cursed each other out and ended up hanging up on each other.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening to him since he started in Philadelphia. He asked Howard what he thinks about the Arabs taking over our ports. It took him a few seconds to get the question out so Robin asked him if he was drunk. Howard answered for him and said ''of course he is'' and asked her if she thinks that 90 or 100 percent of his audience is drunk right then. Howard then went on to talk about how we can't let the Arabs run our ports because we are at war. He said that would be like letting XM run SIRIUS.
Howard was going to hang up on the guy but the caller said that he had another question. He knew that the question was going to take too long. He eventually hung up on the guy.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking to Ronnie on the Wrap Up Show today about his prank call to Penny Crone. Penny was there ranting out in the hallway this morning. She came in a short time later so Howard asked her how she fell for that. Ronnie was also there so she wanted to smack Ronnie for what he did to her. Howard explained what happened with Penny's report about Ronnie's wife Bonnie that ran on last night's news. Ronnie made the call to Penny as his wife because his wife was sick. He did an interview with her and she was completely taken in by it.
Penny told Howard that she knew that it was a scam and she thought that it was actually High Pitch Eric who made the call. Howard played the raw tape where Penny spoke to ''Bonnie'' and didn't seem to have any idea that she was being scammed. Penny claims that there was a pause in there that shows she had some idea that it was a scam.
Howard said that she fell for that and it was obvious. Gary said he heard that the news department is upset that they were tricked about that. Penny said that News Director Liz Aiello called her this morning and said that she was upset because they were scammed by the show. They're going to take that out of rotation now because of that. Howard said they can't cover up that stuff and have to keep playing it.
Gary said that Penny told him that Ronnie's wife sounds kind of like High Pitch Eric so he had to play along with the joke and didn't spoil it. Gary said that Howard would have killed him if he ruined it. Howard said he had the real Bonnie Mund on the phone and then picked up his megaphone and pretended to be Bonnie. Howard goofed on Penny about that whole thing for a few minutes by taking calls from Howard Cossell, Hitler and other people.
Howard asked who listens to that stuff and believes that it's actually a woman. George Flowers said he thought it was really her and didn't have any idea. Howard figures that Liz Aiello also listened to it and believed it was a woman. Penny said that Liz is so upset that she is going to take that out of rotation and not play it anymore. Howard and the guys goofed on Penny a little more but she seemed to be taking it pretty well, she was laughing along with them.
Ronnie said that Lisa G is out in the hall upset about the whole thing because she's afraid that she's going to be scammed as well. Howard wrapped up with everyone and took another break.
Howard gave out a web site that a friend of his sent to him where you have to pick out the real and fake breasts. He said the site name is kind of long but here it is... c4wkg0blin.com/breasttest.html
During the news Howard played some audio of Bubba the Love Sponge's appearance on Tucker Carlson's show last night. In the first clip Bubba was telling Tucker about how he and Howard had a meeting about what they want to do with their shows. JD came in and told Howard that Bubba was wearing the same clothes he was wearing during the roast yesterday except that he was wearing a bow tie with it. In another clip Bubba was talking about the way Howard gave him an opportunity to do radio again after Clear Channel got rid of him.
Howard said that it's been a pleasure working with Bubba and his crew. Robin said that she heard that Bubba offered to fly Robin, the hot chick from yesterday's roast, down to Tampa. Howard said that was already done and she's probably going to be on their show. Howard thought that was kind of unfair because she was his fan and now they're stealing her. He said he hopes she doesn't put out for them and not for him.
Gary came in with some information about how much money CBS lost in Q4 2005. He said that they lost $9.1 billion! Howard said that explains everything to him now. That's the first report since CBS broke off from Viacom. He said that he's very proud of that and he will have more to talk about in a few days but he has to be kind of cryptic right now. Something is going on but he can't talk about it quite yet.
Howard wrapped up the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show saying that he had a wide open show today and that should be a good thing. He has a lot of stuff to play for everyone. He also said that a lot of people are asking him for his opinion on the U.S. ports being taken over by people from Dubai. He said that it is true that the Coast Guard is in charge of port security but only 6 percent of containers are actually examined by security. He said that the companies that run the ports are in charge of executing the rules that the Coast Guard lays down for them. If you let a country like Dubai take over those ports, they could allow nuclear weapons to be imported into the country.
Howard said that two of the guys involved in the 9/11 disaster were from Dubai. He wondered how this country could do business with countries who finance terrorism. This country is doing a horrible job guarding our ports already. He said that people don't want to be worrying about the ports being run by a possible terrorist country, that would be like letting XM run SIRIUS.
Artie said that he used to work as a longshoreman and ships would come in and the security guards would sit around playing cards instead of doing inspections. Howard said there's an article where they talk about how the Coast Guard just sets the standards for the inspections and the companies running the ports actually do the inspections... So it's easy to skirt around those rules. He said it's time to stop the nonsense and he can't sleep at night thinking about the country of Dubai running our ports.
Howard said that we're wasting our time and money being in Iraq and thinking about letting Dubai run our ports. He read another article about what a mess it is over in Iraq right now. He said he didn't want to get serious first thing in the morning but people are asking him about it. He said that our President has put us in a bad situation. Now we have to think long and hard about who the next President is going to be. He knows that people didn't like it when he got political on ''testicle radio'' but he's got to say something.
Robin and Howard talked about how we need to get out of Iraq. If we really thought that Saddam Hussein was a threat, we should have nuked the whole country. Now we have this mess on our hands and other countries are more of a threat than Iraq ever was. Now we have Iran and North Korea to worry about.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's a trucker and he's had some experiences with security. He was able to get within 500 yards of the Super Bowl with his truck and that shows how close a terrorist could get if they wanted to. He also got into a Military Base one time by saying that he made a wrong turn. They let him go in and make that turn without checking him out. That's how easy it could be for terrorists to get in as well.
Another caller said that he's had SIRIUS since Christmas which led to Howard talking about how it's still hard to get a hold of SIRIUS radios. The caller told Howard how lax the security is at refineries around the country. Howard moved on to the next caller who said that handing over the ports to Dubai is insane. That got Howard and Robin back on the subject for a short time.
Artie said there was once a truck driver that came in from Texas to the ports he worked at and the guy would bring in Mexicans in his truck that was supposed to have orange juice in it. He was able to do it for about a year until he got caught. That's the kind of stuff people will do for money though.
Howard took a call and ended up talking about how they should just throw Hussein back in power over in Iraq because he was able to keep those nuts in line over there. Robin thinks that after Hussein was found living in a hole, his credibility as powerful man may have been ruined. Howard said that Hussein wasn't a big problem. Now that he's out of power, we have a big problem with that country.
Howard took some more phone calls and talked about the religious freaks around this world and how they're the reason for most of the problems in this world. A caller told Howard that he's a teamster who works out of Port Newark quite a bit and he knows that most of the containers are checked for radiation and others are visually inspected. He claims that every one of those containers is checked for radiation. Howard told the guy that ships could launch or detonate weapons as well.
The caller said that the British are running the ports now and that shouldn't be allowed either even though they're our allies. Howard said that's right and we need to get our own people to run those ports. Howard said that we're talking about our lives and families and it may take some sacrifices with convenience to make things work with the ports.
Howard said they also did something fun on the Superfan Roundtable last night. Each of the people on the show were allowed to ask JD a question. Howard said that JD might be the funniest person he knows. He wasn't able to answer a question without bumbling and fumbling over the answer. He said he was the single greatest radio performer he knows. He would like to give him his own radio show. JD came in and said that he sometimes realizes that what he's saying is pointless and gives up on it.
The caller asked Howard if they still give tours of the studio. Howard said he doesn't do them right now but he did put Gary on the line to give this guy a special tour.
Howard played some audio of JD on the Superfan Roundtable last night. He was stumbling over his answers and sounded like he was drunk or something. Howard said he thought that it was a joke and someone was playing tapes of JD for them because the answers were so goofy. King of All Blacks was on the Roundtable and even he didn't think it was really JD. The guys on the show were all goofing on him about the way he was answering.
Artie said that they have to have JD roast someone on the next roast. Howard didn't know how much of a gold mine JD is on the air. He was even wearing a Liger T-shirt that Shuli gave him since he sounds like Napoleon Dynamite. Howard said he feels really bad for Shuli. He looks just like this guy on American Idol. He said that he felt bad when he told him he looks like the guy on Idol because it probably made him feel really bad.
Howard said that there were some moments on the show when it was going along kind of slowly. Jon said that it was actually Ralph who was feeling kind of dejected after that meeting and it sounds like he was turning it around on him. Howard said that Ralph even said that he should call Jon and apologize. Jon said he was kind of taken aback by the comments Howard made but he didn't get that upset.
Howard said that Jon is working on a show for next Tuesday called ''The Better Half.'' They'll have Howard's girlfriend Beth, Artie's girlfriend Dana, Fred's wife Alison and Robin's boyfriend Mr. X taking questions from fans. He had a list of questions that Jon will be asking everyone and predicted how they'll answer.
That Fred moment got the guys talking about the Olympics and how they're not that interesting because they're on a 6 hour delay. They're getting crushed by shows like American Idol. Howard said he watched Idol, Survivor and Dancing with the Stars. He said he had to give up on Survivor because he wanted to watch Idol and Dancing with the Stars. He said they ruined Dancing with the Stars because they drag it out so much. He said he actually gave up on that show and went to sleep.
Howard says that American Idol is still very good but it's kind of depressing that only Kelly Clarkson has made a big career out of her win. Carrie Underwood had a number one record but that was it. Kelly was a lucky break for the show and she's the only big star so far. Howard thought last night's show was great and he did love the kid who looks like Shuli.
Howard got back to the JD audio from last night's Superfan Roundtable. Each of the panelists were allowed to ask him one question each. JD couldn't get out his thoughts and stumbled over his answers. Howard said that JD has a real issue and he has no confidence in what he says. He's got to sit in on every show from now on. He said he's really liking the Superfan Roundtable these days. He said that they may have to put JD on a dating game like Christine suggested on the Roudntable.
Artie said that he hopes that things get better for JD because it seems like his life is torture right now. Howard took a call from a guy who said that they really do have to get rid of President Bush. He also mentioned that he has both XM and SIRIUS and he thinks that XM sucks compared to SIRIUS. Howard said that he's heard the same thing from other people and people are enjoying SIRIUS more.
The caller suggested that they put Howard's news team on a cable channel or something. Howard told the guy that he was actually talking to Ronnie the Limo Driver about that yesterday. He thinks it would be great to put that stuff on TV but it might be kind of tough to produce that since they'd need a video crew. Howard had to take a commercial break after that.
Howard said when he would ridicule that stuff, Pig Virus would say that he doesn't see their point of view and he'd continue to do them that way. The guys talked about how lame everything was over at WNBC. Howard played a couple more jingles to show how they had different speeds to go into certain songs. He wondered what song he could intro with the ''medium'' speed. Fred gave him some ''My Humps'' to go into from the medium jingle. He attempted it a few times but it wasn't working out very well.
Howard talked about the way he would screw up the call letters by saying just 'NBC' instead of 'WNBC' which was what Pig Virus would force them to say. Howard had Fred give him another song to play out of another jingle. It was a slow song that had a long intro so Howard was talking it up but then Fred cut the song off. Howard said that Fred screws him up a lot these days.
Howard played one WNBC jingle where they had to mention that WNBC was in New York. They had to do it just right or else the FCC would come and take their license away. That's what they were told anyway. Howard tried doing that and got in the legal bed and the talk up for the song ''YMCA.''
Howard said that Gary gets very upset with Eric because he has to deal with him off the air. He's very unreliable and Gary gets very worked up over that. Gary came in and said that Eric is not just unreliable, he's a pain in the ass. Howard said that Eric can't be long for this world so he can't worry about that stuff. Eric said that he's already surpassed his life expectancy. Howard figures he's working on borrowed time then.
Gary thinks that Eric is all there mentally but Howard said that Gary the Retard might be smarter than him. He said that Eric thinks that Carrie Underwood might come on his radio show. That's just delusional. Gary told Howard that he had to yell at Eric off the air the other day. He said he realized that he might be a little off after he heard that he had voted on American Idol 475 times for one person.
Howard said that the guy is delusional because he thinks that they can get a bunch of former contestants from American Idol to do Eric's radio show. They can't even get them for Howard's show. Howard and Gary were goofing on Eric's delivery when he speaks. Gary said he loves Eric on the air but he can't deal with him off the air.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted to talk about. He said that he wanted to talk about the guy on American Idol who Howard likes and how he looks older than he actually is. Howard said he knows that the guy is young, he just calls the guy ''the old guy'' because he doesn't know his name.
Howard read an e-mail from a fan who hates to hear Eric on the show. He asked him to please stop having him on for so long. Gary said that Eric once left him a nasty voice mail for not getting back to him after he said he'd do him a favor. Meanwhile Gary was working on it, doing him a favor. Howard said that Tim Sabean is the funniest around Eric because he wanted to get a format from Eric for the show he was going to do.
Howard asked Eric why he posted Gary and Tim's personal information on his Myspace account. Eric said he wanted people to call them and let them know that they wanted to hear his show. Howard said that Eric posted their personal phone numbers. Gary said that it was a pain in the ass when he did that because it was a number they don't give out to the public. Howard asked if he would like it if they gave out his home phone number. Eric said he wouldn't like that.
Robin said that Eric is claiming that there are people on Myspace who are clamoring to hear his show. They haven't gotten any e-mail from those people though so they don't know what he's talking about. Howard asked Eric if he has any personal interaction with people. Eric said he doesn't because he moved away from his old home and into his parents home. Now he doesn't have any friends around. Howard asked him if he thinks his parents are pissed that he surpassed his life expectancy. Eric said a quick ''no.''
Howard got on his megaphone to do his Eric the Midget impression. He did that for a short time and goofed on Eric for a short time. Howard asked Eric what kind of day he has. He said that he pretty much sits around watching TV and playing with his Playstation 2. Artie said that's the best life he's heard. Eric said that he watches a lot of sports and stuff, not just American Idol.
Howard asked Eric what his biggest fantasy is, to have a girlfriend. Eric said that is probably his fantasy. Howard asked him if a girl has ever jerked him off. Gary asked if a girl has ever finished him off in any way. Eric said that he's never even kissed a girl. Gary said that they should get Kendra Jade to just do him. Howard said that he'd like to bring him to Scores or something instead.
Eric said that he would need a friend to come with him if he came to New York to go to Scores. Howard said that was too complicated and dropped the whole idea. Howard was going to let him go but Eric told them that he's much smarter than they think he is. He said he graduated in the top 92 of his high school class. He said he went to the same school that Billy Joe Armstrong went to.
Gary asked Eric if he could name every contestant from season 2 of American Idol. Eric said he could do that and started to rattle off the 12 finalists. After about 8 of them Howard said that was enough. Howard asked Eric where Frenchie Davis ended up and what season she was on in. He knew that she was season 2 and that she got DQ'd from the show. Gary asked him some questions and Eric was able to answer just about anything he was asked. He was stumped when Gary asked him who the first person was to be voted off of Season 3. Artie said that it was Fruity McGee. Howard thanked Eric for calling in and said he really would like to take him to Scores. They had to go to break after that.
Howard read through some e-mail after that. One guy said that Artie was great and is simply the best. A bunch of other people thought the other comedians were great as well. One person thinks that Bob Levy should be the next one roasted. Howard is thinking that they should roast Daniel Carver next and have some Black, Asian, Jewish and Hispanic comics come in to roast him. Artie thinks that's a home run. Howard said he'll leave that up to Bob Levy because it's his thing but he thinks they should change it up a bit.
Howard said he also wants to move the roast to a big venue where they can drink and tape it for the next morning. Howard got some feedback about Bubba's roast of Ronnie. Some people didn't like him but Howard thought he was good and the Ned bit was great as well. He replayed that ''Real American Asshole'' bit that Bubba's Ned did for the roast.
Howard said that he's looking forward to the day when they're fully staffed and everyone is participating on everyone else's show. He likes that Bubba is in on his show now. He got back to the e-mail and read some more positive comments about Artie. Some people were accusing him of being too nice to Lisa Rinna after ragging on her in the past. Howard said he did talk to her about her big ''vagina lips'' the first time she called in but he was nice about it when he did it because she was a guest on the show.
Howard read through some other mail about Artie where people asked about how he runs out of the studio after the show and doesn't hang out with anyone. Artie said that when he does take people out to lunch and stuff, there's usually 20 guys he has to pick up the tab for.
Artie said that he eats Hostess cupcakes, Famous Amos cookies and Strawberry Pop-Tarts. He also likes that they have Hawaiian punch and coffee. Howard said that Artie's stomach is getting really big again.
Howard said that Beth got very upset with him because she has to work the night of the On Demand movie festival. He said that he didn't know that and now she's mad because she won't be able to make it. Howard has an idea for a film even though he knows he can't win. He said he will get big laughs with the short movie. Artie may do something as well. He said that maybe he could premiere ''Beer League'' at the end of it.
Howard had a picture of Artie walking in with an arm full of food and stuff that they're going to put up on his web site. Artie was laughing his ass off when he saw it. Howard said you have to see it over at HowardStern.com. Artie said ''... if that isn't a cry for help...''
Lisa G had a few more details for what they had coming up today. She said that they'll be covering the story about Gary being told that he would get a gift basket for going to an event that Howard backed out of. They told Gary that the basket wasn't going to be the same as the one Howard was going to get. She said that they're also going to interview the sex coach that Lisa Rinna mentioned yesterday. They'll also get an update on Joey Boots who is in rehab right now.
Artie said that he could probably go back to sleep after getting up and taking a leak but he ends up staying up and eating. He said he ate one sandwich and watched some sports on TV and then ate another sandwich since that's what he does while he's watching TV. He said that the sandwiches are pretty big too.
The In Demand guys had a camera on the vending machine so Howard checked out all of the crap that's available in there. Howard was going to give Artie a number and asked him if he knew what was in that spot. He said number 126 and Artie knew that it was the Wise Potato Chips. Howard asked him about number 157. Artie thought about it for a few seconds and said it was the Peanut M&M's. He was right. Howard gave him 146, Artie thought about that one for a few seconds, Howard helped him out but Artie was able to come up with it right away. He did know some of the other numbers that he gets regularly. He did figure out the 146 which was the Famous Amos cookies.
Artie said that he tries to time things out and he'll eat while watching TV. Some of the things in the vending machine may have been moved around. Artie said they didn't move them, he just screwed up with some of the numbers. He said there's a really good honey bun in the vending machine and when you take a bite of one of those, you can actually see your funeral.
Artie said that he likes some of the coffees they have there as well. He said that he loves the way the machine works too. There's also a huge can of pretzels that are free for anyone to take. Artie said he saw Benjy take about 15 of those one day. They have a lot of other stuff that's free for the employees and they love that.
Gary said that he thinks there's something else going on there. Jon will pick what goes on the show and what doesn't but Ralph is never around so he's not part of the conversation. Jon came in and was looking a little stunned according to Howard. Jon said that he did tell Ralph that he thought Howard was a little harsh. Ralph agreed with him and that's where this all came from according to Jon. Artie told the two of them to pull it together because he could be home eating right now. Howard let the two of them go a short time later and got back to some e-mail.
Howard read some mail about Bubba speaking like a human being on Tucker Carlson's show the other night. One person complained about Howard trying to sell people on SIRIUS when we're already sold on it. Howard said he's not trying to sell people on anything, he knows that they're already with him.
Howard got some feedback about Jon Stewart's appearance on the show yesterday. He said that he went on SternFanNetwork.com yesterday and they were slamming Jon Stewart so that was a mistake. He thought that Jon was great on the show but he could only concentrate on those negative postings.
Howard said he got a ton of mail about Ronnie's scam on Penny Crone. People thought he was a comic genius for pulling that on her. There was also some controversy about Howard banning Ronnie from cursing. That led to Howard playing some great Ronnie bits that they've created lately. They had a new ''Mr. Swearman'' song that they created using some of his audio clips where he was cursing like crazy. Artie was laughing pretty hard at that one.
Howard said they got a bunch of feedback about the cursing. Crazy Alice left a voice mail where she told Howard to let everyone curse if they want to. She said some ''Fuck You's'' to Howard during the call and would only say goodbye to Fred before hanging up. Howard read a few more e-mails about Ronnie's prank call so Howard played some of the raw tape where Penny thought she was interviewing Ronnie's wife but it was actually Ronnie doing a female voice.
Howard thinks it's terrific that Ronnie did that call but the news department has decided to pull that story from rotation. Liz Aiello and Penny had some words over that interview. He said he actually had tape of them talking out in the hall. In the clip Liz was talking about how one of the other reporters was going to cover the story. Liz was upset that Penny said that she was furious that morning. Liz said she thought it was funny but she did tell Penny that they were taking the story out of rotation. Penny was also complaining that Ronnie pulled the prank on her after she called his house for hours and hours.
Howard said that he wanted to pull a prank on Artie by replacing all of his favorites in the vending machine with broccoli and other vegetables. Artie said that the picture they have of him with the food in his hands is going to be the next DVD cover.
Howard read through the article he had and said that he could get a couple of chicks to do stuff with Jenny. He knows he could make that happen but he doesn't want to screw things up with Beth because they're going so well. He said that they just had sex last night and it was great. He's still attracted to Beth and things are still going very well.
Artie said that he went on vacation with Dana and almost brought a ring with him. He said that kind of stuff scares the crap out of him. He went on to explain how Dana is in debt right now and he's offered to help her out but she won't take any money. He said that he was thinking about selling his condo and moving into a nice house somewhere. He said that her dog could have it's own condo or something so he wouldn't have to deal with it. He figures that they could live together for a few months to test it out. Dana doesn't want to do that and she thinks that he needs therapy first.
Howard said that Dana is right, Artie does need therapy. Artie said that Dana thinks that he's depressed and he needs some help. She once said that he's always dark, tired and down on everything. She also said that her friends go hiking and stuff and Artie thought that was pretty funny. There's no way he's ever going to want to go hiking. She wants to do stuff with him but hiking won't be one of them.
Artie said that Dana used to go on the road with him and they had some really good times. She used to dig him that much that she would travel around with him. He said that they once had sex six times in one day back in those days. After that first year she stopped going on the road with him. Then she would want him to go to weddings and stuff on weekends and he didn't want to do it. He said he'd throw $2,500 at them just to get out of going to the wedding.
Artie told Howard about the DVD deal he got and how great that was. He recorded the DVD and wanted to get off the road. The DVD sales have been great and he was paid six figures up front for the deal. Then he had the movie last summer and he started freaking out over the pressure from that. Dana hung by him every day for that. Then he broke down from the pressure but she still stuck with him.
Artie said that Dana told him she doesn't want to bring a kid into this world with a father who is as unstable as he is. That's why she wants him to go to therapy. She's being very mature about the whole thing but he's not. He admits that he's not but that kind of stuff scares the crap out of him. Artie said his mother and sister can't agree with her more. He said he hasn't talked to Dana since the party Robin threw for Howard a few weeks ago. They got into an argument on the way home that night. He said that she was going to sleep over that night but it becomes a huge deal because her mother has to take care of the dog because he won't allow it in his apartment.
Artie said that he was stressed out from the night and wanted to sleep late. He asked her if she wanted to go home. He wanted to be alone and she went ballistic. They didn't talk for a month after that so he called her on Valentine's day. They had another argument that night about the same stuff and they haven't spoken in a week now.
Howard said that he's glad that Dana is going to be participating in that Better Half show. She really is Artie's better half after dealing with all of that crap. Artie said that he has offered to help Dana out with anything she needs money for but he needs to be alone sometimes. Howard said that he's throwing the money at her even though that's not what she's looking for.
Artie sounds like he did about a year ago when he completely lost it and ended up calling in sick for a week. It sounds like he's on the verge of another breakdown. Artie said that he throws money at everything and he knows that. Howard said that if Artie does get married, things are going to get even more confusing for him and that relationship may not last. He said that Artie seems to be treating her almost like a prostitute by throwing money at the situation. He will never commit to going to therapy for Dana like she wants him to. Howard said that Artie should save Dana a life of misery and not get back together with her.
In the first clip Brent tells the Shrink that he went into a depression a few years ago when they got fired from their Clear Channel job. He said that his wife ended up cheating on him with a co-worker of his. Brent said that his life is going really well right now but he still gets suicidal thoughts. He said he just had those thoughts just a couple of months ago. The Shrink also said that she read that Brent wants to do some swinging with some other couples and wants to see his wife having sex with a black man. Brent said the color doesn't matter but he does want to see her get banged by another man.
In another clip Brent talks about how he knows he's not attractive and women are repulsed by him. He said that 99 percent of women aren't attracted to him.
Ralph called in and got back to Artie who's having problems of his own. He told Artie that he can't treat Dana like she's some piece of meat and throw money at her. He doesn't want anything to do with her dog and he wants to keep doing everything that he does and not let her do things that she does. Fred woke up and asked Artie if he wants to remain miserable or share his life with someone. Artie doesn't seem to be sure what he wants.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has a great girl with him right now and the money thing doesn't matter. He told Artie that he's missing the point of life and if he finds someone he gets along with, he should be with her. Artie said that was the plan but Dana wants him in therapy. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had a picture of Richard where his mouth was bleeding when he woke up. Dan the Song Parody Man took that picture. Richard said that he's living with Dan now. He said that Dan pranked him last night and had this guy 25 Cent from Bubba's show try and get into bed with him. Howard said that went nowhere though.
Howard had an audio clip of Richard's dad leaving him a message about having wisdom teeth pulled. He said that he's heard that people sometimes have a hard time getting over that stuff and he might want to think about that before having it done. Richard said that his father and mother both have false teeth. Howard replayed the message and got a few more laughs out of that.
The guys goofed on Richard a little bit about his father's advice. Howard said he should tell his dad to trust the dentist, they know what they're doing.
Howard played a clip the guys created with audio of Blue Iris having sex with Robin. They used Robin's book on tape clips and some very disturbing clips of Blue Iris having sex. Howard said that they're going to start airing ''Weekend at the Christy's'' on Howard TV (Howard Stern On Demand) tomorrow.
Artie said that he once had a joke about Nicole Kidman where he said ''Nicole Kidman - Australian for Beard'' and a friend of his had him going for a week telling him he was going to get sued over that joke because her publicist was in the crowd of a show he did.
Howard had Mike get to his Gossip Game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard read some notes about fat people who got thin and then got fat again. Carney Wilson is one of them who lost a bunch of weight but she's back up to 195 pounds. Howard mentioned Randy Jackson and Al Roker as being another couple of guys who lost a bunch of weight but are gaining it right back.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking about the stuff he talked about first thing this morning with Dubai taking over some ports here in the U.S.
Howard also had George Flowers and Jon Hein come in to give previews for their shows. George gave his Howard 100 News preview and mentioned the stuff that Lisa G had given them earlier in the morning. Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about Artie's depression after his breakup with Dana. They'll be talking about whether or not anyone has noticed anything different with Artie lately. Jon said that the Better Half show has taken on a new twist since they learned that interesting information. Jon said they'll also be talking about Howard's old WNBC jingles.
Howard took a few phone calls and one guy ended up talking about how bad his father was when he was a kid. He said that his father used to fondle him. Howard tried to get some more details out of him but Artie gave him a big ''Wahhh!'' The caller said that his father used to do stuff to his backside and he used to hit him too. Howard tried to find out if he kissed him as well. The guy said that he would do that as well. He was also into his sister's breasts. Artie said he was sorry to hear that stuff but he's got worse problems. The guy claims that his father used to have farts that were so smelly that he got banned from a couple of stores because of his farts.
During that call the guys ended up talking about Robin's cat who she just discovered has gone blind. She said she found out that it was blind when it ran into a cabinet. That led to Howard talking about how his dog came home one day with gum stuck in her paw and he didn't even notice it. Beth found it and cleaned her up. Artie said that's the kind of stuff that scheeves him out about dogs. He said that he would sell his apartment if a dog walked in with ''street gum'' on it's paw.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:30am.