Howard started off the show talking about the fun they were having already only 13 seconds into the show. He said he had been up since 3 in the morning with a lot of stuff on his mind. He said he has a lot of things that bother him, even the air. He said the one thing he loves in that internet chess he's been playing. He said when he can't sleep, that's where he goes.
Howard said he was going to call his dad to talk about tomorrow's election day. He's not sure who to vote for and he wants to vote tomorrow. He said he's going to be voting for Senator Hillary Clinton because he's a big supporter of hers. He said if he has to choose between her and Rudy Giuliani in the Presidential race, he'd have to choose Giuliani.
Artie woke up and mentioned something about the voting and everyone asked him what he was wearing on his head. He had a hat on that he put on because it was so cold outside. Artie said it's called a Goupoline. That's what his mother has called it for all these years, he wasn't sure if that was the right name for it or not.
Howard talked about the voting again and said he might just vote Democrat since he's fed up with the republicans. He said he hates what's going on with the war but he knows that it's not right to vote that way over just that one thing.
Howard asked Robin about some of the candidates that he had to choose between. She gave him some details about Alan Hevisi. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that guy and his commercials. Howard wasn't sure if he should vote for the guy because he is surrounded by controversy.
Howard wasn't even sure who the other guy was so Benjy told him it's J. Christopher Callahan. They spent a very short time on that guy and Howard said he may have to vote for him. Fred said that he would vote for Hevisi himself because he thinks that he would know how to dig up dirt on other guys.
Howard listened to some of the arguments from the guys but said he was going to stick with Callahan. He wanted to end that discussion and asked about some other candidates. He asked about Andrew Cuomo and Janine Pirro and heard from Robin on that subject. He was convinced to vote for Cuomo after just a minute or so.
Gary said that he's got quite a race going on up by him in Connecticut and filled the guys in on that race. Gary also brought up some of the other races that are going on in his area and in New Jersey. He said that some of the stuff that's going on in New Jersey is crazy because the guys are accusing each other of some crazy stuff.
Gary told Howard that Jon Hein told him about letting his kids hit the buttons randomly in the voting machines when he seen a bunch of names he doesn't recognize. Jon came in a short time later and brought up some of the ads that have been running in New Jersey and how you don't even know who the ad is for. He also talked about how he lets his kids vote by asking them which names sound best to them.
Howard was doing an impression of some of the commercials that run for these political candidates. They accuse the other people of some crazy stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that you can't trust anyone and he takes a coin with him to make his votes. Howard said you have to at least try to pick the right person. Howard said he may have to call his father to get some advice on some of the people he has to choose between. Robin kept telling Howard that he can't vote for Janine Pirro. She gave him all kinds of reasons for why he couldn't do it.
Howard took some more phone calls and talked about how he thinks people are fed up with the war and want to get the republicans out of office. Robin and Artie said they don't think that's the case though. Artie said he was reading about how our troops are getting taken out by snipers over there. That led to Howard talking about a guy who was burned in a fire over there and half his face is gone. He said we've got this bumbling food Rumsfeld in there and everyone is talking about how great he is.
Howard said he and Beth have been having an argument over whether or not she should grow the hair back on her bush. He said he loves it shaved and doesn't want her to grow it back. He said this is their first real argument and he doesn't want her growing it back. Artie said that he told Dana how he likes it groomed and she kept it that way the whole time he was with her. Artie likes the landing strip thing. Howard said he thinks that Beth might grow that whole bush back in. He asked Gary to call her so he can ask her about it.
Gary tried to call Beth. Howard got a hold of an issue so he could look at the pictures they were talking about. He brought up Jeri Ryan since she's on the cover and he doesn't think she looks all that good. Artie grabbed a copy and said that he thinks he has to go with Bobo with that ribbon picture where Beth shows her ass as the best. He was also looking at some of the other pictures. Gary told the guys he wasn't able to get Beth on the phone.
Artie went through all of the pictures and listed his favorites. Bobo asked Howard how he can get any sleep with Beth modeling those outfits during the week. Howard said she's not modeling anything, she's in her pajamas every night.
Howard said that FHM filmed the taping of that photo shoot for Howard TV so they will have that up soon. Doug came in and said that they should have it available after midnight tomorrow night. He said he's watched it and it was kind of nuts watching Beth doing all of those photos.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who gave him some advice on Beth's bare bush. She said that Beth doing that every day can make things very raw down there. Howard said if she had told him that, it would have been fine but she was making it seem like she just wanted to grow the hair back. Howard didn't think that the ''vag skin'' was any different than shaving his face. Robin told him it's more sensitive.
Robin said that she has the shape of a V down on her area and it doesn't have to be shaved every day like Beth might have to do to keep it clean shaven. Howard said it's not even a discussion, she's just going to do what she wants to do. Robin told him that it is up to her, it is her body.
Artie told Howard that he has to powder up his pin during the summer and when he was having sex with Dana, she would come up looking like a mime from all of the powder. Howard told him that he's heard that talcum can cause ball cancer. That also led to him talking about how he avoids touching his penis at all costs so he won't have to wash.
Howard wished that all women were hairless down below. He took a call from King of All Blacks who said he thinks that Beth is just doing this to stand up to him because that's what women like to do once in a while. Howard said he kind of knows what he means. He said he's not that demanding usually but maybe this is too much for her.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he read the article about Opie and Anthony in that same issue of FHM. He said he did see that and it was kind of a bummer. He said it bummed out Beth as well. The guy also said he was surprised to see that Otto and George were regulars on their show. Howard didn't seem to care and moved on to other things after that.
He took a call from a guy who asked Artie how he couldn't have remembered the time that Sacha Baron Cohen was on the show back in 2004. Artie said that could have been caused by his heroin use because he has lost chunks of his life.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Beth is preparing to do a nude layout and that's why she's growing out her bush. Howard said that's not what's going on. The caller also said that Debbie Schlussel was on a news program recently bashing the Borat movie. Howard said he actually had tape of that so he went to that a short time later. As soon as Debbie started talking you could hear Artie laughing quietly in the background. Debbie goes on to complain about how they don't make fun of any liberals in the movie. She said she doesn't think that the movie was done in good taste and she only laughed 6 or 7 times during the movie.
Debbie thinks that the audience is going to be the same people who watch Jon Stewart and The Daily Show. Howard broke in at that point and said that she must have a bush the size of an afro. He had to cut off the clip because she gets a little boring. He said he likes her but she always takes the negative side in her discussions.
Howard said he got a letter from David Hasslehoff who just wanted to say he's listening and still thinks that he's the king. Howard told Gary to book him to do the show because he'd be a great guest.
Howard gave a quick rundown of the football pool results. He said that Alice won and everyone else lost. He ran down what everyone had picked last week. Artie said that's the last time he goes along with Scott Ferrall's pick. Artie said that the Steelers might be done for the season after losing to the Broncos yesterday. He said that repeating in the NFL is a hard thing to do.
Howard said he's looking forward to something on TV this week. He said that Kirstie Alley has lost 70 pounds and she may appear in a bikini on Oprah's show. Howard said she's still fat from what he's seen so he'd love to see that. He said she's still got to be in the 150 range and he'd love to see her in a bikini. He said that some women wear a skirt and scarves to cover up parts of their body when they wear bikinis and she may have to do that. Robin doesn't believe that she's going to appear in a bikini. Howard said he told Beth she had to TiVo Oprah's show so he can see that.
Howard said he got caught in traffic that was caused by the marathon. Artie said he was coming back from Boston yesterday and also got caught in that traffic. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Howard said that Lance Armstrong ran the marathon and he ran it in under 3 hours. Howard said that's really fast and he wasn't even doing it that seriously. Robin said that he didn't even train for the marathon. Robin said she could see that he wasn't built like a runner and could see that he was going to be in pain by the end of it.
Howard brought up the sentence that Saddam Hussein got over the weekend. He said that Hussein is supposed to be hanged but they may want to ask the guy how to straighten out that country over there before they kill him. He and Robin spent a short time talking about what's going on over there in Iraq.
Robin said she was at a lecture at Columbia University over the weekend where some reporters were talking about their experiences over in Iraq. Howard asked if she was recognized there. She said she did have a few people recognize her but the people were very intent on hearing the lectures that were going on.
Howard pretended to be some of the people at the lectures and how they were probably making comments about Robin's rack instead of listening to the lectures on Iraq.
Howard said that he has tape of Anna Nicole Smith to listen to but he had to take a break first. He said she makes some crazy comments in the interviews she's been doing. She was saying that she hopes that her dead son is able to find her dead husband in heaven. He had to play that one clip before going to break. He played the clip where she was crying and saying she hopes her son knows where to go and that her dead husband knows who he is because he doesn't know how he looks now.
Howard said he does feel bad for Anna losing her son but he had to play these clips. Robin said that Anna has apparently told 3 other guys that they were the father of her new baby. One of the guys is saying that he gave Anna the house thinking that she was going to pay him for it. Now she's claiming that it was a gift.
Howard said that Fred did something funny on The Wrap Up Show last week. Artie couldn't stick around during the show so Fred took over and pretended to be Artie for a while. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they'll be talking about Artie and the Dice Man's comedy show from Saturday night. Howard said he heard some of the stuff that went on and was going to bring that up himself. Artie said that he did about 30 minutes of material and then they went on the air so he did another 5 minutes and then introduced Dice to do his thing.
Howard said he heard that Dice was getting into fights with the audience and stuff like that. Artie said they have some hard core fans up there and they were yelling out his name during Dice's act. They weren't as receptive as they could have been. He said that Dice got kind of distracted by the people yelling out his name so he actually had some people thrown out because they wouldn't stop.
Howard read some feedback about the show that aired on Saturday night at 9 on Howard 101. A lot of people didn't think Dice was funny and didn't like the comedy show. Howard said it was painful to go through the mail because it was so negative. Artie wanted to defend Dice a little bit. He said that the fans are great but them yelling out his name the way they were wasn't the right thing to do. Artie said that Dice did a great bit about Sex and the City but the people wouldn't stop yelling. That's what led to Dice getting into a fight with the crowd and it was funny seeing it in person but maybe it didn't come off that well on the air.
Howard played a clip from the show where Artie introduced Dice and the crowd started booing and chanting Artie's name. Artie told the crowd that Dice had paid him in advance. He told the crowd that he was going to take a break and then bring out Dice. There were a lot of boos at that point.
Howard played some clips of Dice trying to get past the people in the crowd who were chanting Artie's name. He tried to get them to chant his name but they kept up the Artie chanting. Artie said that a comic not as good as Dice would have left the stage. Dice stayed up there and tried to keep control of the crowd.
Howard asked Tim what was going on with the tape because it was hard to hear Dice's voice in the clip. He said that they're going to be replaying the show on Wednesday at midnight on Howard 101. Gary said that Andy Dick's Shit Show is returning tonight at midnight. Artie said that this was Dice's finale for his VH-1 reality show. Howard thought that was bad news but Artie said they should be able to edit it in any way, it shouldn't make much difference.
Howard played a new Riley Martin song parody where they took clips of him and put them to the tune of ''Wipeout.'' Artie thought that was a great one and said that Dan the Song Parody Man did a great job on it. He also told Howard that a lot of people in the crowd were trying to do the Grandma Caprio impression at that show he did with Dice. Howard said no one else can do it and went into the impression. Artie said that he might have to get her in there one day so they can all see what a sweet woman she actually is.
Howard was goofing on Artie and Dana doing that impression of his grandmother giving him advice. He kept going and going and Artie said the crowds seemed to like that impression.
Ralph called in and asked Howard if he played the part where Dice had a meltdown on a guy in the crowd. Howard said he was getting to that. Ralph said that guy got back in later on in the show. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Howard played a clip where Dice was getting heckled while he was trying to do his act. Dice was in the middle of a bit when these guys were yelling out ''Artie,'' ''Fi-ahhhh'' and things like that. Howard heard that and said that the crowd was really rough. Artie said that the owner of the club told him to go back on stage to help Dice out but he told him that would be a really bad move, you can't do that to a big comic like Dice.
Howard got back to the clip where Dice was going off on this heckler. He was calling him names and then told security to get him out of there. Artie said the guy that Dice was calling a Zero and a fat fuck looked just like he does so he felt kind of bad. Artie also said that Dice came close to getting into a fight with one guy in the crowd and Dice told him that he would have punched the guy if he had gotten close enough.
Dice had that guy kicked out and was telling him he was like a 3 year old getting kicked out after getting too drunk. He told the crowd that's the Dice they wanted so that's the Dice they got.
Howard played another clip where the crowd got a little bored and started heckling him some more. Howard said that was one tough crowd there. Artie said that it really was tough. Howard was laughing at the crowd because of the way they were acting there.
Artie said that the amount of drinking that was going on there was insane. Howard played another clip where the guy that had been kicked out came back in. Then Dice asks his son Max to bring up another one of his leather jackets. The crowd would not stop making noise. Dice then went into his final act and did some of his classic nursery rhymes which the crowd seemed to like.
Artie said he stayed in Boston that night and hung out with Ross Zapin. He wanted to go get some sleep but Ross convinced him to go out to this place Mantra where they had the hottest chicks around. He said the chicks all had boyfriends so he wasn't going to get anything going there. He said the chicks dancing on the blocks at this place were so hot. He said that there were a couple of guys there who recognized him from some movie but he wasn't sure which movie they were talking about.
Artie said that one chick asked him if he wanted to go back to her place and smoke a joint with her. He said yes but then she introduced her boyfriend to her so he turned it down. Another hot chick waited 30 minutes before telling him that her boyfriend was the DJ there at the club. He had to sign an autograph for him.
Artie said he was offered a lot of shots there at the club so he did start drinking them. Howard talked about how much Ross can drink and how he can't believe that guy can drink as much as he does. Artie said the music was horrible at this club but the chicks were so hot that he had to stick around.
Ralph called in and said that he wants Artie to play arenas with Dice because he'd love to hear 50,000 people heckling Dice.
Lisa G got back to her news preview. She said that they have a few stories about that Dice show. They were going to be talking about Artie getting a brochure for a fat camp from Robin's assistant Kerry. Robin thought that was kind of odd for her to do something like that but Artie said she's very friendly toward him and it was a funny thing for her to do. He didn't mind it at all.
Kerry came in and said that she and Artie had a conversation about weight loss and she told him about how she went to this camp a few months ago and lost 10 pounds. That's why she handed him the brochure. That led to Howard doing more of his Grandma Caprio impression for a short time. Lisa was done after that so she got going. Howard went right back into his Grandma Caprio impression when she left.
A phone caller told Howard he was at the show on Saturday and he didn't think dice was all that great. He was a fan of Artie's so that's why he paid the $50 to go see him. He thought that Dice has lost it since the old days. He thinks that Artie is being too kind to Dice. Howard said he had to take a break but he gave a quick rundown of what he had coming up after the break.
Howard said that Fergie isn't all that hot, it's all airbrushed. He started to sing his own song about how he ''f u c k s'' hotter chicks than her. Howard said that this hot chick sent him some pictures of herself wanting to get on the show. He had her on the phone so he asked her about living out in South Dakota. Her name was Debbi Davids. Howard showed the guys her pictures and Artie said she is smokin' hot.
Howard asked Debbi what she's trying to do with the nude pictures. She said she's in a special edition Playboy but she would love to get into Penthouse. She also wants to get on the show and said she has a SIRIUS radio so she can hear the show now. She apparently wrote that she would bang Howard and Artie in a second. Howard asked her if that was true. She said she does love them. She told them that she's 28 years old and she knows that's a little old but she would love to be with them.
Debbi said that she has a free web site at DebbiDavids.com where you can check her out. She told Howard she started taking pictures at this motorcycle rally out there in Sturgis and eventually ended up in that Playboy special edition.
Debbi told Howard about how she likes to dress and how she once passed out after some guy drugged her. She woke up with the guy rubbing her ass. She said she knew that this guy was dating a girl so she asked him what he was going to think about what he was doing. She came walking in at that point and the guy told her that she was into it.
Debbi said that the chick started pulling her clothes off, went up under her shirt and stuff like that. Then they were both touching her at the same time. Howard showed the guys some other pictures of Debbi and said that she looks kind of like Britney Spears. She said she's not going to ruin her body like Britney did though.
Debbi told Howard how the other chick went down on her while her boyfriend did her from behind. Then she went down on the other chick and the boyfriend did her from behind as well.
Howard read some notes about her and found out that she was raped by a cop when she was just 16 years old. She said that she thought she was hot shit and this 24 year old cop asked her out on a date. She went out on the first date and didn't do anything. Then the second time she lied to her parents and said that she was going out with some girls and went out with the cop who held her down and ripped off her clothes. She said that the guy didn't say a word to her after that. He just kicked her out of the car like he was done with her. She didn't tell her parents what had happened though. She told a friend who begged her to call the cops. She felt really guilty a couple years later when he raped a 14 year old girl.
Howard said that some women will go back to guys like that and have sex again. She said if she had gone back, she would have had a gun with her and she would have shot him.
Howard said he heard that Debbi made out with Ginger Lynn one time. She said she did a radio show with her and she hung out with her for about an hour. Howard had some ideas for Debbi to do the show. He said that someone suggested that they smack her boobs with paddles. Another one said that they should have her massage Dan the Farter's ass and not tell her that he was going to fart.
Debbi said she could do some naked Yoga for them. Howard wrote that down and said she could do that. He said they could think up a bunch of other shit for her to do if she comes in. Artie jokingly said that he might be able to fuck this chick if he can get into an argument with Dana over it. Debbi told Artie she would do anything Artie wanted and she'd even do anal with him.
Debbi said that most women have to reach around and put the guy in their ass because the guy doesn't want to do it. She said that taking a muscle relaxer helps out back there. Artie said he likes the vagina because when he goes in there he realizes that there has to be a god. Howard said that the muscle relaxer thing is a good suggestion for Sal and Richard.
Howard put Debbi on hold but Robin asked if Artie would tape his sex with her. Howard wanted to get her back on the phone to ask her if she'd be willing to do that. Artie wasn't up for it though so it didn't really matter if she was up for it or not.
Blue Iris called in and thanked Howard for the documentary they did about her. Howard said that this is the chick that Artie did get to make out with. Artie said he thinks he got the ''throat herps'' from her. She said she was just getting a cold, that's why she was having trouble talking this morning.
Blue said that her documentary is up on Howard TV and it's been up since last week. Howard said he knows what he'll be watching tonight. He let her go and got Debbi back on the phone. He asked her about the taping of the sex. She said she'd let them tape it, no problem.
Howard told Artie he has to break up with Dana now. Artie said that Dana has started having sex with him again so he can't screw that up. Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression again and tried to get Artie to break up with Dana and have sex with Debbi.
Howard said that he hates televangelists more than he hates psychics and he really dislikes psychics. Robin gave Howard some more details about this guy and talked about how creepy he was.
Howard had some audio of another guy who does healing on his TV show. In the clip you hear the guy screaming when he's ''healing'' these people. The guy he was healing was on the phone and he was very entertaining as he was thanking the guy for helping him.
Robin said that the Borat movie is great because he goes to a church where they're doing healing and shows how crazy that is. Howard said he would like to know what this guy is making doing the healing stuff. He played another clip where a guy asked to be healed because he has pain in his stomach. The preacher speaks in tongues and then screams thinking that he's healing this guy. The caller said that he wasn't feeling any better though. The preacher rambles on and on about his healing powers after that. Howard said that's a better racket than Riley Martin's alien talk.
Artie said that when his father was in a wheelchair, someone convinced his mother to bring him to a Petacostal church in New Jersey. They had the guy sitting in the back of the church and were telling him that they could have him up and walking by the end of the service. He was still stuck in the chair of course. Artie said his mother was in tears through the service.
A caller, Brian, told Howard about how he called into the show back in February and said he was going in for a Stem Cell transplant to help him get over his cancer. He's going in for it today and if it doesn't work, he doesn't have too many more options. He said he has to get a catheter put in where they will transfer blood in and out of his body. It goes in through his chest and into his jugular vein.
Brian told Howard that they try to kill the disease as much as possible and then inject the cells to try and get him better. Howard asked him if he would ever go to a televangelist. The guy said he would never do that.
Brian said he's only 23 years old and he looks up to Will Murray because he got over his cancer. Howard wished him luck. Brian told Howard that they help him through his day making him laugh. He also said that he took Howard's advice and found the best Jewish doctors he could.
Howard got back to this black healer guy and listened to him selling his prayer handkerchief. The guy took a call from a woman who said she bought one. The guys were goofing on this guy about his prayer hankie and the anointed olive oil soap he was pushing.
Howard asked the guys if they were done with this guy yet. Robin wanted to hear more so he went into a another clip where the guy was rambling on and on about nothing. Howard asked the guys to give him the preacher prank call that they had for him to play.
Howard said that he heard a clip of Richard talking about the video iPod and how great it is because he can bring it on a plane so he can jerk off. Howard said that's really disturbing. Richard told Howard he stands up and jerks off on the plane. He said he shot it in the toilet but had to wipe it down because the flush didn't get rid of it. He said he's really nervous about flying and he has to calm himself down so that's what he does.
Howard said that Sal and Richard were out doing some show and when they were there at the airport they had the announcer saying names over the speaker system. They had him saying Bob ABooey, Harry Wong, Harry Taint and others. Sal said they had the guy going for about 45 minutes straight. They even had him saying ''Cleveland Steamer.'' Sal said they even convinced the guy to say ''Olive Blackcock.''
Howard said the guys took some clips of Mike Walker and made some prank calls using his audio clips. Sal said that Richard didn't shower all weekend and they did four shows. He said that he brushed his teeth and tried to convince him to brush his teeth. Richard said he was going to brush his but pulled out a piece of gum and started chewing it.
Howard asked Richard why he doesn't brush his teeth after going through what he went through with the cavities and stuff he had. He said he has a motorized tooth brush and he doesn't want to break it by bringing it along with him. The guys thought that was kind of a lame excuse. Fred told him to just bring a manual toothbrush with him.
Howard played the prank call that Sal and Richard made. They called a bakery and had Mike asking for all kinds of weird stuff. Richard said it took a really long time to put those clips together because they cut Mike's voice into all of these strange lines. Howard had to go to break after that.
Ben filled Howard in on the politicians that they were talking about first thing this morning. Ben told Howard about this guy Alan Hevisi and agreed with Howard that they should not vote for him. Fred said that he's going to vote for the guy because he thinks he does a good job in that position he's in. Fred said that if he gets replaced by his opponent, he won't be doing as good of a job. Ben said that the guy is doing illegal things and should be voted out.
Howard asked Ben about Cuomo as well. Ben went into a whole discussion about that guy. He said that Cuomo was involved with some shady things but nothing illegal. He told Howard he would not vote for him, he would vote for Pirro. Ben had to get going after that so he quickly got off the phone. Howard and the guys spent a little more time talking about that before Howard moved on.
Gilbert asked Howard which guy it is that jerks off on the plane because he heard him doing the logic with someone out in the hallway. He did an impression of Richard asking someone if they would rather have someone's shit or cum on their face.
Beth was back on the phone so Howard told her what they were talking about earlier. She interrupted and said that she was offered that paranormal show that he took part in. She said she can't wait to see it. Gilbert said that she was with Traci Lords on that show. He said that he agreed to do the show but about an hour before it was going to start he was asking if he could get out of it. He said the money wasn't even that great, it was about $10,000. Beth said that's what her offer was.
Gilbert said the scariest thing was walking around in a dark room and bumping into things. He said they try to scare you by telling stories about people who were killed in this place but it wasn't all that crazy. Beth said she may have done it if Gilbert was her partner. Howard said she wouldn't have done it even if Gilbert was her partner.
Gilbert told Howard how they interviewed him after the show and figured he was scared because he didn't want to go downstairs. Gilbert said the reason he didn't want to go down is because it was dark down there and he could bump into things.
Howard got back to Beth and told her how they were talking about her FHM layout. Howard mentioned that Jeri Ryan doesn't look good in the magazine so Beth told him to stop that. Howard told her about the shaving thing and then Beth said that she had gone two days without shaving and she actually did it last night. Beth said she had a guy walk up to her on the street this morning and ask her why she had stopped shaving her ''p'' for Howard. She said she wasn't going to stop shaving for him, she just didn't have time for a couple of days.
Howard and the guys spent a few more minutes talking about Beth's bush. Howard apologized to her about talking about that this morning. He thought she was putting her foot down and she was going to stop shaving. Howard said it would be so much easier if a woman lost her hair down there as she grew older. Beth thinks that Howard is the only guy she knows who isn't into a woman having hair down there.
Ralph called in and asked her why she doesn't have time to shave for Howard, he finds the time. She said that she's had a pretty good run keeping it nice and clean for him over the past 6 years. She said that they're doing better than ever in their relationship. Ralph said that they're sickening to be around because they're so in love.
Gilbert said that he once saw a woman in the movie who was shaved down but the director ruined it for him when he told him how she had gotten razor bumps and stuff like that.
Howard asked Beth why she shows her ass in FHM but she won't show him her ass. Beth said that she doesn't want to walk around with a jiggling ass in front of him. She also told Howard he would have noticed that she was shaved last night if he had checked down there instead of sticking to his chess game.
Howard said that he loves Beth and sex has never been better. They still go multiple times per night. Howard said they're not doing it as often as they did when they first met but Beth said that it's much better than it was in the beginning. Howard told Beth that he's more in love with her than ever. Ralph was taking it as if he was talking to him and thanked him for those comments.
Beth said that their dog has been limping around a lot lately. Beth said she's taking her in for an x-ray today of find out what's wrong with her. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said that he remembers women from many years ago having huge bushes and looking like a mess down below. The guys also talked about how breasts seem to be getting smaller these days and women get implants so guys don't remember what real, large breasts look like.
Howard said that he doesn't want to be with any woman who goes ''retro'' with their bush and stops shaving down there.
Howard said that Dice Gottfried should have been at that show with Dice over the weekend. Gilbert went into his Dice impression and did that stuff for a few minutes. Steve quickly wrapped up his news preview after that. Gilbert wouldn't stop with the Dice impression though, he just kept doing it.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview and mentioned some of the stories that they'd be covering today. He mentioned Artie's thoughts on Debbi Davids offer of sex. They'll also talk about Dice and Artie's comedy show from Saturday night. Artie did a little bit of his impression of Jon before Howard wrapped up and had Robin start her news.
Howard played a new song parody that Richard Christy created for Robin's news. He thought Richard went a little over the top with that song because he was singing about jacking off on Robin's titties. When he played the song it got some laughs.
Artie mentioned he was doing this roast for Mario Batallia guy and asked Gilbert if he's part of that. Gilbert said he was left out of that. Artie said they have a dress code for that roast and he doesn't have anything that would fit him. Now he has to go out and find something to fit him.
Howard read through some e-mail during Robin's news. He said that a few people have written in about his impression of Jon Hein. Some people really like that impression and want him to keep it up. That led to Robin talking about how she and Mr. X had a discussion about Artie's heroin addiction. She said Mr. X had no idea that Artie was on heroin until she told him about it recently. He missed that part of the show.
Howard read an article about this guy who is suing his gym because he was kicked out for grunting too much at his gym. Gary came in and said that he had a problem with that at the gym he works out at. He once talked about it on the air and the guy must have heard it because he would give him an evil look each time he walked in the gym. Howard told Gary to book the guy from the article for tomorrow's show.
Howard went into his Ted Kennedy impression during the news but he had some trouble getting his ''funny'' megaphone to work. He had to bang it around a few times before it started working correctly. His backup megaphone isn't as funny to him so he prefers the old one that he's been using for many years.
Artie and Gilbert were into the Kennedy impression as well and wouldn't let Robin get in a word during her news. Howard gave Gilbert a plug which shut him up for a few seconds. He had to take a break after that plug.
After the break Howard gave Gilbert some plugs for some upcoming appearances he's making. You can check out more details at GilbertGottfried.com. Robin got back to her news after that. It didn't take long for Howard, Artie and Gilbert to get back into their Ted Kennedy impressions. They did that and some other impressions making it very hard for Robin to read her stories.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how he was going to go vote today. He said a lot of people think he doesn't vote but he does. He saw in the news that they printed who he's going to be voting for. He said they spent a lot of time talking about who to vote for yesterday and he's decided not to vote for Alan Hevesi. Fred's arguments weren't able to convince him. He's taking his father's advice instead.
Robin said that Howard's father's advice wasn't all that great because he also suggested voting for Janine Pirro. Howard said that her husband was the problem in that whole thing. Artie said he's going to be voting even though he had a felony arrest one time. He said that was expunged from his record so he can vote now.
Howard and the guys spent some time talking about the votes and how they want to try and change things so they can get our troops home from Iraq.
Howard noticed that she had some kind of material holding her belly down and everything was huge on her. He said Oprah looked pretty thin but you don't see her walking around in a bikini. He said that if they want to get him as a regular viewer of that show, they should have every guest in a bikini. He talked about the way the show went and how Kirstie was walking out and flashing everyone. Artie saw a picture of her in the paper and said she looked like a football player.
Howard said that she still has some work to do but there is some potential there. Artie said that Oprah looks really thin next to Kirstie. Robin wondered how old she was. It turns out she's 55 so she doesn't look to bad for that age. Howard said she's still a big fatso though.
Katt was supposed to be on today but in the paper this morning they found that he was arrested for having a concealed weapon. He was at the airport on his way to New York when he was arrested. The weapon was also stolen. Gary told Howard that this was supposed to be a big day for Katt because he really wanted to do the show.
Howard read the article and saw that he had 3 additional weapons in his luggage. The gun he was holding was stolen. Robin asked if he was on his way to shoot them or something. Howard said that might be the case. He played some of the comedy clips of his that they've played on the show recently. Katt uses the word ''nig*erdom'' in his act. The guy spent some time talking about that the first time they played that clip on the air.
Howard played more of Kat's act and talked about what he's read in his notes about the guy. He apparently has an IQ of 141 according to the notes. He wondered why the guy wasn't smart enough not to go to the airport with weapons on him. Gary also said that the guy has 8 kids and 7 of them are adopted. He said Katt is also a former member of the Nation of Islam.
Artie asked the guys if they know what their IQs are. Howard said that his is really average but he's not sure of the number. He seems to remember a number but he's not sure if it's accurate or not. He said he can't do math and he can't remember stuff so he doesn't score that well. He thinks that he's at a 112 or 119 IQ. Fred said that is pretty average. Gary said he remembers something about a +36 score on an IQ test but he's not sure what exactly that means.
Gary said he thinks that 140 gets you in Mensa but he didn't seem so sure of that. Howard brought up how Christian Slater once went to the airport with a weapon but he blamed his girlfriend for planting it on him. The guys spent a short time talking about that arrest and how he had to do some public service announcements around that whole thing.
Robin asked Howard how he thinks the people from the Borat movie get permission to film everyone the way they do. Howard said they must tell people that they're filming for a foreign film and the people just sign away their rights.
Howard said that they'll have to reschedule Katt Williams since he was arrested. Robin said that she was listening to Bubba and they were using the N-word just throwing it around. There's no way to stop people from using that word these days.
Howard took a call from a guy who heard the Inside the Porn Actors studio last night and thought it was great. Howard said that the Howard TV guys have been recording the show too so they air those on Howard TV. They do it just like Inside the Actors Studio with Richard Christy playing the part of James Lipton. That led to Howard playing a couple of clips from the show. He also had some clips from the Andy Dick Shit Show from last night.
Robin talked to Artie about how upset he seems to get when Howard is goofing on him about the whole Dana thing that Howard does. Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Artie talked about how annoyed he gets about Howard goofing on him and always asking about how things are going with Dana. He's incredibly annoyed by it but he knows Howard is just doing the show. Howard broke into the clip and said he really didn't know that Artie was that annoyed. Artie isn't offended by that stuff but it is annoying that he constantly does that stuff.
Howard got back to the Artie clip where he talks about not enjoying the discussions about his relationship. Howard came in and started doing his Dana impression as soon as that clip ended. Artie was laughing but said that he doesn't like the girlfriend stuff, he doesn't mind the Grandma Caprio stuff. Howard continued to do the Dana impression and continued to annoy Artie.
Howard was singing a little song about how she loves everything about him, even his stretch marks. Then he broke into his Grandma Caprio impression and sang some more songs to the tune of the music that Fred was playing. Howard mentioned something about heroin during that so Robin said that Artie was talking about how he thinks about using heroin every day when he was on the Wrap Up show. Howard wasn't surprised when he heard that. Howard said it took him 10 years to forget about smoking cigarettes after he quit.
Howard got back to his Grandma Caprio impression and talked about her favorite grandson Artie. Robin said that she was shocked when she heard that because she figured he would like to be away from all of that stuff. Artie said he's being honest with then when he talks about that stuff.
Howard went back into his Grandma Caprio and defended her grandson about the heroin discussions. Artie said that when he goes on that Wrap Up Show that stuff just pours out. Howard played another clip from that show where Artie was talking about how it's Dana's birthday on Thursday so he hopes that she shows up to his Carnegie Hall show.
Howard asked Artie how Dana could not be at Carnegie Hall. Artie said that she thinks that she would be asked a lot of questions if she was there and she doesn't want to deal with that stuff right now. Artie said she goes on the computer and finds out what goes on every day and she doesn't want to be a part of that whole thing.
Artie said he's not sure if Dana will be there and he's not sure if he'll even show up. He was joking of course. Howard asked Robin if she's getting dressed up for that show. He doesn't think they have to get too dressed up because it's just Artie doing a show. Howard told Artie he should walk out in a speedo or something. Robin said Artie would rather work on his jokes than do something like that.
Howard mentioned that the Artie and Dice comedy show is going to be replayed. He took a phone call from a guy who said he loved that Gilbert prank call and would love to hear it again. He also talked about a great Mike Walker prank call that he liked. Howard played him the newest Mike Walker call where he calls a bakery and asks for a lot of bizarre stuff.
Howard talked about some of the other calls that Sal and Richard have made and played the call that the phone caller mentioned. That one was a call they made to a guy who laughed right along with the Mike Walker laughs. Howard wondered if that guy ever recovered from that phone call. He said he'd be really thrown off by a call like that.
The phone caller asked Howard if Andy Dick changed producers or something because the show wasn't moving on very quickly. Howard said he doesn't know about that but he listened to some clips and thought the show was very entertaining. He said he had a clip of Andy talking about how he got jacked off by a guy when he was just 12 years old. Howard played that clip and another one where Andy sings a song about Myspace and why he hates it so much. Andy said that it's very fake and even though he's got 20,000 ''Friends'' no one showed up to his movie premiere in Westwood. He only had about 40 people in the audience.
The caller told Howard that Andy did that song two times last night. He went into a little more detail in the clip that Howard played. The guy told Howard that Howard 101 is like an adventure with all of the shows they have on there.
Howard played another clip where Andy talks about how he gets thrown out of every club he goes to. Howard wondered how he manages to do that because no one gets thrown out of clubs like that. Andy talked about how the bouncer was keeping him from entering the club and he had no idea why he had been kicked out.
Howard played a clip where Andy talks about smoking weed. Andy said it's tough not to but right now he's not smoking or drinking. He told his caller that he had a pound of the stuff sitting in a very private place with some very nice red wine. It's ready to go if he has an emergency. Howard wondered why he would keep that stuff around if he's trying to stay sober. Robin said he's saying that he knows he'll go back eventually so he keeps the stuff around.
Howard talked about how mental he gets when he smokes weed. He smoked a lot of the stuff when he was in high school but he can't smoke it anymore. He said the stuff has gotten stronger and stronger over the years and he now hates it. Artie told a story about taking mushrooms one time and they were really wild. He said he took a handful of them at a concert and lost it. He was walking up and down the upper deck but didn't even remember it. He said that it was the worst high he ever had.
Howard told the story about going out to L.A. years ago and got some weed when he went out to dinner. He took three hits off this joint and it made him so mental that he had to have his agent drive him to the hotel so he could go to bed. He said he heard that one of his friends pretended to take a hit but didn't really do it. He also said that Mary McCormack told him to just suck it up and deal with it instead of freaking out so much.
Artie said that someone he worked with on MAD TV ate some pot brownies and he totally freaked out. Howard thanked the caller and let him go. He had to take a break but he also had another clip to play. He said that Fred was doing an Artie impression on the Wrap Up Show and people believed it was actually Artie. He played the clip and Fred was doing his bad impression of Artie but people believed it was him. Robin wondered how anyone would believe that was Artie because he sounded nothing like him.
Howard played more of the clip and the callers were falling for it. Fred didn't even seem to be trying to sound anything like Artie. Fred finally broke the news to the guy that Artie had left the show 15 minutes before.
Howard said that the SternFanNetwork took a poll and asked what name they should give to the real doll. The name that they came up with is Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Howard said that's brilliant and they will definitely give the doll that name. The number two answer was Beth O. Then they had FCC, Ralphie Cakes, Anne Coulter and others. He said they're definitely going with Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Howard mentioned that they had Heidi Cortez coming in today and said that she better have some good stories and stuff for the show. She was on Bubba's show a while back and Bubba actually kicked her off the show because she didn't want to do anything cool for them. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned that the Jackie's Joke Hunt show is on tonight at 7pm. The Riley Martin show is on at midnight on Howard 101 tonight as well. That led to him playing Dan the Song Parody Man's latest Riley Martin song parody. He also replayed the new Gilbert Gottfried prank call that Sal and Richard made to a gay bath house.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to put Gary in his place about claiming he has an IQ of 136. Gary said he never said he had an IQ that high, he looked in a book and it said it was that high. The caller said he thinks that even Sal is smarter than Gary. Howard said he thought he was retarded after taking an IQ test one time. He said he scored a 114 or 119 one time and thought he was retarded. The caller told him that's average though so he's not retarded.
Artie said he remembers the number 170 but that may have been his weight. Gary asked the caller what he does for a living. The guy said he runs two companies and he's a computer scientist. He claims to have a 129 IQ. Howard said he thinks that 136 is the number of M&M's Gary can eat in one minute. Gary wanted him to keep the guy on the line so he could set up a competition but he was already gone. Howard said that maybe he'll call back.
Howard talked about his chess playing and how he would love to make it to the score of 2000 or something but you go up in very small increments. He said he's climbing up pretty rapidly right now but he's heard that when you get to 1600 it slows down quite a bit. Howard was told that chess playing has nothing to do with IQ but he thinks that it does.
Lisa went over some of the politicians that are in the local area so Howard said that it's supposed to be the Howard 100 News and didn't want them doing reports about politicians. Lisa said that they're doing that since they discussed that stuff on the show yesterday. Howard said he has to rein them in once in a while when they start doing ''real'' news stories.
Fred played some Eric the Midget audio clips telling Howard to shut the fuck up and stuff like that. Howard pretended to talk to Eric while Fred did that.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said he wanted to get some advice on voting. Howard said he told everyone how to vote yesterday. He said he's voting for Hillary Clinton, Elliot Spitzer, no Hevesi, Janine Pirro... Eric said he thought that he just had to vote for a couple, he didn't know that he had to vote for so many.
Howard said that Elliot Spitzer came up to him while he was running and introduced himself. He said he seemed like a good dude and he thinks he'll make a great governor.
Howard had some audio clips from Oprah's show where Kirstie Alley showed off her body in a bikini. He played a clip where Kirstie comes out wrapped in a scarf-like thing and then whips that off. The audience was cheering for her but Howard said she covered right up after she showed her body.
The IQ caller from earlier called back in and said he would challenge Gary to an IQ test. The guy gave Gary an easy one where he said ''There are 10 people in a race and you take over the last person, what position are you in?'' Gary thought it was 9th but Howard said you are in last place so you can't take over that position.
The caller asked Gary to pronounce three words that he would spell out for him. The first word was ''Mcdonalds'' the second was ''Macdouglas'' (Gary said Macdougals).... Then the caller gave him the third word which was ''Machine.'' Gary assumed that it was another Mac word and answered ''Mac-Hine'' Gary said that those aren't IQ questions, they're trick questions. Gary told the guy that next week they'll set up something and take the test within an hour or so and see how they do.
Gary said he never said that he had an IQ of 136 so he doesn't know where this is all coming from. He is willing to take the IQ test though. They goofed on Gary for a few minutes because one of the word scrambles he got was for the word Machine and he said he was ''Mac-Hine.'' Artie told the caller, Christopher, that they would leave him messages on his ''answering Mac-Hine.'' Howard wouldn't let up on Gary and continued to goof on him about the ''Mac-Hine'' thing.
Howard mentioned that comedian Katt Williams won't be on the show today and explained his arrest at the L.A. airport. He was supposed to be on the show today. Howard played some of his comedy clips where he uses the N-word like crazy.
Howard had some clips to play from the Inside the porn Actor's Studio that Richard Christy hosts. He said that he does a real good job with that show. He interviewed porn star Ashley Blue in that show. Howard played one clip where Richard asks Ashley about her drug experimentation. She told Richard about making a crack pipe out of a light bulb one time but said it didn't work out very well.
Ashley also talked about her fascination with puke. Howard played a clip where Sal the Stockbroker asks her to keep doing what she's doing in porn because she's so great. She asks him for some advice on what to do next in her movies. She said that she thought about sticking a woman's hand in a pencil sharpener and cramming it into her cunt. Sal also suggested that she get a circle jerk and then have guys hose it off with their piss.
Gary mentioned that Heidi Cortez was there and then talked about how hot her first appearance on the show was back when they were at K-Rock. She had taken her top off and masturbated on the air.
Howard mentioned that Beth went out to a movie premiere last night with a friend of hers. He said he'd like to go to a movie night like that but he has to work so he can't do that. He said he can't expect her to go to bed as early as he does. Howard goes to bed at about 8:30 every night. Gary said he goes to bed at 11 and he's up at 4:20 in the morning.
Howard said he's been catching up on the shows he has on his TiVo. He said that there's a blonde on Survivor that looks really good. He said he likes how the women get thinner and thinner as the show goes on. He also said he's been liking this season of ''Smallville.'' He and Robin spent a short time talking about that.
Howard said Ralph gave him some movies to watch but he's so into chess that he's been slacking off on some of that stuff. Gary said he saw Mission Impossible III over the weekend and thought it was really good. Howard said Ralph told him it wasn't all that great.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that he saw a picture of Imus in the newspaper today and he looks so old. Howard said he heard form a friend of his that he saw Imus in a coffee shop one day and he looked really bizarre. He was wearing a cowboy hat and his jeans were the type that old guys wear up to their tits. Howard wondered just how old he is. Gary told him that he just turned 66 according to the information he had.
Bobo asked Howard to play Fred's song about Imus. Howard said he'd play that going to break. Bobo mentioned he's going to be on the Superfan Roundtable on Thursday night. Howard said that Bobo is good on that show and he knows a lot about the show.
Artie talked about how he got sucked into watching the first Knicks game in a while. He said he'd like to see a winning team but it just doesn't happen. Howard took another phone call from a guy who asked Howard if he and Beth watch porn together. He said they used to do that but she was grossed out by it. He said she sounded like she was into it until she actually sat down and watched it.
Howard said Beth was out last night and he didn't even jerk off so maybe he's finally growing up. He said he had some new pajama bottoms and didn't want to stain them. He said that she noticed that he had some cum stains on his underwear but he denied that's what it was. He said she does the laundry so Robin told him that maybe she's just not doing her job correctly.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said he's been a fan since the Channel 9 show days. Howard mentioned that he got a letter from Dan Forman who used to be their producer on the Channel 9 show. He said he asked Jason to print it out but Jason came in and said he never got it.
Howard read some other e-mail instead. He said that Doug Goodstein's friend sent him an e-mail about producing the new season of Survivor and he's across the world listening to the show over the internet. The caller Howard had on the line interrupted and told him what a great guy he was in his final year at K-Rock. Howard said he was miserable there and he is so glad to be there at SIRIUS now.
Jason came in and told Howard he never got that Dan Forman letter so he couldn't print it out. Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the TV show ''Heroes.'' Howard said he's a week behind but he may be losing interest already. They talked about the hot blonde on the show, Ali Larter, for a short time.
The caller also asked Howard about the race that Robin and Bubba are supposed to do. Howard said that they're working on that whole thing and they don't have it all set yet.
Ralph said that he almost turned off ''Heroes'' last night because nothing happens on the show. They're way too subtle on that show with the stuff they do. He said they could turn six shows into one at the rate they go with the story lines.
Howard ended up doing a little more of his Grandma Caprio after reading an e-mail about the impression. Someone wrote in and bitched at Robin for her comments about the Steelers. Howard said one person asked about the Proper Modulation song that Fred payed last week. The writer wondered who created it. Fred said that was a Richard Christy creation. Howard played the song so everyone knew what they were talking about. They played a High Pitch Eric prank call as they were going to break.
Howard played one clip of one song and said it was actually kind of cool. He won't buy another album with the same song on it. Gary said that their friend Vinnie (Favale) will buy any album with a Beatles song on it. Howard played another remixed song and said that maybe he would buy that album. Artie was into it as well.
Howard had the guys bring in Heidi Cortez since she had been waiting so long. Gary told Howard she has a friend with her as well. Howard told him to just bring Heidi in for now. She's got a book out called ''Heidi's Bedtime Stories: Erotic Quickies for Men and Women.''
Howard said Heidi was looking good today. He asked her to describe her outfit. She said she had low rider jeans and a black lacey top. She gave Howard a copy of her book and said that she dedicated to him. Howard read the quick dedication where she thanked him.
Heidi said that she did a bunch of shows after doing Howard's and she was asked to write this book so she went for it. Howard told her that she might owe him some head since he helped her get there. He asked her what happened and why her show isn't on anymore.
Heidi said she got a letter in July and was told that they were ending the show. She was kind of bummed because she was having fun doing it. Howard said he heard that she's a major pain in the ass. Gary said that she's difficult to work with from what he's heard. He said she was asked to write some stories for them but she was busy working on her book. Then they had Jason writing some stories for her and she didn't like them so she would turn them down.
Gary said it turned into a whole big thing so they dropped the show. Heidi said that she couldn't read the stories on the air because they were for the book only. Jason said that Heidi was great when she was doing shows there in New York live. When she went home to Reno it turned into a nightmare trying to make it happen.
Heidi said that Jason's stories were actually very good and most of the stuff she did on the air were the stories that he wrote. Howard told her that she should have been concentrating on the radio show, not the book, because she wouldn't have the book without the radio show.
Howard said he heard that Jason was falling in love with Heidi and would walk her to her hotel room when she'd go home. Jason said that there were a lot of guys there who would check her out when she was hanging out in the offices there. Her thong would stick out of her pants and guys would walk by the glass offices and drool over her.
Heidi said she doesn't think she was a pain in the ass even though everyone was saying that was the case. Gary said he heard that Jason was so smitten with her that he put together a whole care package for her nephew. Jason said he did do that.
Bubba the Love Sponge called in and said that Heidi was an impossible cunt to deal with. He talked about the time she did his show and gave them a really bad attitude when she was on. She refused to do anything with her friend in her hotel room.
Heidi told Howard that Bubba asked her to make out with her friend from kindergarten. She also said that Bubba's producers stalked her to get her on the show. Heidi said she's also not going to do stuff like that for Bubba's show, she would only do it for Howard or for her Tissue Time show. Bubba was still pissed at her and said that he's glad he hung up on her.
Heidi said she had never heard Bubba's show before so she didn't know what she was in for at the time. She said he turned on her very quickly. Bubba said that when a woman doesn't give them what they want, they will berate her as much as possible.
Heidi's friend from kindergarten was there with her today and she said she would tongue her for Howard any day. Howard told Bubba he had to get going so he let him off the phone and got back to Heidi. He gave her another plug for her book and asked her if she wanted to read something from it. She said she would do it but the stories were pretty long.
Heidi said that there are 35 short stories in the book and some are from a man's point of view and others are from the woman. She said she would try to get to the good parts quickly and not read all 1200 words. She went into a story about a woman in a laundry room who took off all of her clothes. She was reading through it but Howard told her he was bored and maybe this wasn't good for the air. Fred threw in a snoring sound effect.
Heidi tried moving on to the good parts and got to the details that Howard was looking for. The good part was the last paragraph of the story. Howard asked Heidi when she got laid last. She said it was about 2 weeks ago and she met the guy on Myspace. She said he was a friend of Tony Hawk's that she met through the site. She said they talked for about 3 months before she actually let him bang her.
Howard asked Heidi about doing chicks. She said she doesn't have sex with girls but she has kissed them. Howard asked her if she's ever had a guy stick a finger in her ass while having sex. She said she loves that but she doesn't really have anal sex. She said that a guy should stick his finger as far up there as it will go too.
Howard asked Heidi how many guys she's had. She said it's been about 12 but Robin said that's the number that all women use when they don't want to admit to how many they've actually had.
Howard wanted Heidi to do some sexy stuff for them like she did the first time she visited where she masturbated on the air. She said she wanted to make out with her best friend from Kindergarten. The friend came in a short time later and told Howard about the clothes she was wearing. She had leg warmers, a mini-dress and some sneakers on with a coat covering her up. Howard said that both of them were similar with their slutty looks.
Double A called in and said that Heidi is on eof the ''beautifulest'' girls he's ever met. He said that Howard should have her do something for them. Another caller said that Jason writing those stories for SIRIUS was freaking him out. He said that he was grossed out by that whole story. Howard said they should have Jason read his stories on the air and maybe A-B the story with Heidi.
Another caller said he thinks that he has feelings for Jason now that he knows he wrote those stories he got off to. Howard wanted Heidi to do something so Gary suggested that she ride the Sybian. Heidi was intimidated by it and wasn't sure she wanted to do that. She said she would kiss her friend Wendy though. Howard said that they don't do any insertion with the Sybian so they don't have to worry about that.
Howard told Heidi that riding the Sybian would be really cool. She was still kind of hesitant to do it though. Howard told her it was all clean and ready to go. She made sure there was nothing that was going to go inside of her. Howard had the guys show her the machine and she said she thinks she can do that.
Heidi said she thought that it was a big dildo that went inside of her. Howard gave her a plug for her book and said she'll be making some appearances where she'll be signing copies of her book. She went over to the Sybian but refused to take her top off because she had a little work done on them just a few weeks ago. She said she had them lifted and it was just a few weeks ago. She didn't want to show the scars.
Howard wanted to talk some ''sexy time'' with Heidi before they turned on the machine. He asked her about this guy she had sex with a couple of weeks ago. She also described herself and what she was wearing. Heidi said she was on that thing and she just wanted to go. Heidi told Howard about what she was wearing the night she banged this guy. She said they started making out in her hotel room and then they went out on the balcony and kept doing that. Then he started caressing her body and then undressed her really slowly. He actually did her on the balcony and did her out there. She said she was bent over looking out at the whole city over the balcony.
Heidi said the guy was rubbing the head of his cock on her wet pussy for about 20 minutes. Howard had Gary start the Sybian at that point. Howard tried asking her more about that night but she was moaning within seconds of Gary starting it up. She let out a bunch of ''Oh my God'' comments as Gary let the machine run. She finished a short time into it and said she was sweating after that.
Heidi told Howard it wasn't that bad and didn't think she was going to do it at all. She was still moaning at that point and tried to recover from it. Howard told her to kiss her friend since she was all horny. Wendy ran over to get her kiss so they went at it for a few seconds. Heidi said her knees were trembling and she wasn't able to stand up because of that Sybian. She said she was shaking and her knees were weak. She doesn't usually use sex toys so she's not used to that stuff.
Howard asked Wendy if she wanted to try it out. She said she would so the guys got her a new attachment. She didn't want to take off her dress or anything. Howard said it looked like she had a nice body but she didn't want to show it.
Howard told Gary to put his bee keeper's mask on but Gary told him that they would turn down the lights so he didn't need it. Howard let him off the hook and had Wendy get on the machine. He also told Heidi to make out with her while she's riding it. Heidi said she'd wait until she was really into it before doing that.
Wendy thought the power was a little too much for her so Gary had to turn down the power. Heidi said her panties were wet and she was very surprised about that and the fact that she rode the thing at all. Howard asked Wendy a question but she wasn't really able to speak with the Sybian running. She asked Gary to turn it up and started moaning a little bit. Gary jacked it up pretty high and she hopped off the machine because it felt too good. She didn't want to make a mess.
The guys and Heidi convinced Wendy to get back on. She took it for another ride and let out some ''Oh my God'' comments just like Heidi did. She asked Gary to turn it off and claimed that she did finish. She was barely able to speak after the ride.
Gary told Howard that Ronnie just said that Sal had run into the bathroom with a newspaper during that segment so he wanted to know if he went in there and beat off. Howard gave Heidi some plugs for the appearances she's making and for her web site HeidiCortezMusic.com and HeidiCortez.com.
Howard told Heidi she should cut a new Tissue Time for them but she said she would like to do some prank calls with Sal and Richard like she did in the past. Howard said that would be cool too.
Howard asked Wendy if she was okay because she looked like she was out of it. She said she prefers to be finished off by a guy so she can cum and squirt when she finishes. She said she really likes when her boyfriend does her from behind with her face in the pillow or on her back with her legs behind her. She said that's what makes her squirt.
Heidi said that she likes when a guy picks her up by her ass and does her while standing up. She likes to bounce on the guy while holding onto his neck. She also told Howard that she would like to get fucked on a baseball field while people are still in the stands.
Wendy siad she would like to have two guys at the same time, that's her fantasy. ARtie sia dthat it's tough to find two guys to do that beucasde they don't want any contact themselves. The girls both said that they date regular guys. Heidi said that seh loves the comedy stuff and someone who can make her laugh is great.
Ralph called in and said that leg warmers aren't hot but Howard and the guys told him that Wendy looked good in them. Ralph also said that Jason must be gay if he was writing those stories for Heidi. He suggested that Heidi do her Tissue Time show while riding the Sybian. Heidi said seh was convinced that this was a big dildo that the girls were strapping in but she was wrong about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had to rub one out to that segment. Howard wondered if Sal rubbed one out in the bathroom too. Gary said he was still in the bathroom so they're not sure yet.
Jason came in with one of the stories that he wrote for Heidi to read on Tissue Time. Howard wanted him to read that for them. He gave Heidi a few plugs and then had Jason read his story. Jason read through part of the story but Howard couldn't take much of it.
Gary told Howard that Jason's mother hates teh way he sounds on the air and wanted him to get voice lessons. Jason said he won't do that though. Jason said that she's very critical of his on the air voice.
Howard played a prank call that Heidi made to a pizza place where she told the woman who answered the phoen what to write on a note to include with her pizza. They also had another clip where they had Heidi talking to clips of Don Imus. There was another one where Evil Dave Letterman and Heidi recorded a session together.
Howard saw that there was another prank that Heidi made to a chicken restuarant. He didn't remember that one. He played that one and Heidi asks for some chicken and corn on the cob. She asked for some white man gravy but they didn't have that there. Heidi had the guy calling her names and saying that he was going to take his dick out. He tells her to ''have a good one'' after ging through a whole sex thing with her. Howard gave Heidi some plugs for her apperanaces and went to breka a short time later.
Double A called in and asked what Howard would rate that Sybian ride at out of all of the girls that have ridden it. Howard said he could tell that she wasn't faking it and it was pretty intense. Double A asked Howard when this was going to air on Howard TV. Doug came running in and said that he was working on it and it would be up tomorrow night.
Doug also told Howard that he and Double A have made up since the whole Film Festival thing. It only took 6 months for that to happen.
Howard took a call from Crazy Alice who is still upset that he calls her ''Crazy'' because she doesn't believe she's crazy. Howard congratulated her on her football pool win this past weekend. She said that it's about time that things started going her way. She said she's been miserable her whole life. Alice said a few nice words to Fred but Artie interrupted and started bad mouthing her. That got Alice all pissed off at him but Howard didn't seem to want to get into that this morning.
Howard asked Alice what horrible thing has ever happened to her in her life. She said that her father was a miserable man and he was a black, Italian Hitler to her. She said that he would beat up on her mother and that wasn't right. She wasn't molested or anything like that.
Alice was going off on her father but quickly switched it over to Artie and went off on him some more. Howard had no idea what she was talking about at that point. Howard tried to get her off the phone but she wouldn't stop talking. He eventually let her go since he couldn't get her to change the subject.
Howard said that Geraldo just sat there and pretended that these guys were doing something new and innovative when they're just doing the Howard Stern Show in Spanish. JD came in and told Howard he should have that clip available in about 10 minutes. Howard wasn't sure if he could get through it because he was so disgusted by it.
Howard played some of Rod Stewart's new album where he covers some classic rock songs. Robin asked Jon Hein when he jumped the shark. Jon said it was after he did ''Do you Think I'm Sexy'' and came out with some really bad albums. Howard played through a couple of Rod Stewart songs and the guys didn't seem to like what they were hearing.
Steve Langford finally got to his news preview. He mentioned a story they'll have about Heather Wilson. Howard mentioned that Cabbie finally got a job there at SIRIUS and he'll be in tomorrow to talk about that. Steve mentioned some of the other political candidate stories they'll have on today's Howard 100 News. He said they'll be talking to Chuck Zito about his Howard 101 show that he'll be rehearsing for.
Jon Hein gave his rundown for today's Wrap Up Show. He mentioned the Heidi Cortez visit and the IQ test discussions they had earlier in the show. They'll also talk about Katt Williams not making it to the show today.
Howard spent a minute talking to Artie about the Hawaiian Punch he was drinking. Artie said he's been trying to avoid caffeine since Ronnie mentioned the kidney stones thing recently. Howard quickly mentioned that Cabbie's radio show is airing on Faction 28 on Saturday night on SIRIUS.
Before Robin got to her first story Howard found the e-mail about Artie's diet. The guy said that Artie should stop drinking so much stuff with sugar in it because he might become a diabetic. Artie said he's fine so far and he gets checked twice a year.
Ralph called in and goofed on Gary's ''Mac-Hine'' comment earlier in the show so Howard told him that they may have to retire ''Baba Booey'' and start calling Gary ''Mac-Hine.'' Gary didn't think it was possible that they would do that but he also didn't think that ''Baba Booey'' would stick back in 1989.
During the news Howard mentioned that one of Artie's outfits from Dirty Work was up on eBay.com. He wondered if it was the actual suit. Artie took a look at it and said it did look like the jumpsuit so it probably was it. Artie thought about bumping up the bids himself to get some publicity and to make himself look good. Howard said that would be cool but actually buying it would be kind of lame.
During the news Fred was throwing in a bunch of Gilbert Gottfried's laughs from yesterday's show at inappropriate times. Howard also replayed the prank call the guys made to a gay bath house using those clips of Gilbert.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he was thinking of changing the opening song for the show to The Chambers Brothers ''Time'' instead of the same intro, American Nightmare, he's had since Private Parts came out. He thinks that Time would be a better fit for the show. He told Fred to give it a try. Fred played the song and Howard stayed quite for a couple of minutes checking it out.
Howard said he thinks that it's time for the change of the song. He thought the song might fire him up but he was having doubts. He knows that the fans are going to call in and complain about it. Artie said it is kind of cool that he's performing that opening song and maybe they should keep it. Howard said he forgot that the song was about him. Rob Zombie wrote it for the Private Parts movie.
Howard started taking phone calls about the song change and guys were telling him not to change it. One guy said that he uses that song to wake up in the morning and ''Time'' isn't going to do it.
Gary told Howard that he's kind of grown attached to the Baba Booey name and he's not looking to be called ''Mac-Hine.'' Howard played Pink Floyd's ''Welcome to the Machine'' and threw in the Mac-Hine reference to goof on Gary a little bit.
Howard talked about how Gary was claiming that he had a 136 IQ yesterday. Gary says he didn't make that claim, he read it in some book he saw. He doesn't claim that he's that smart and said that Howard is the one who thinks he's smarter than everyone. Howard said he knows he's got a low IQ and admitted that on the show yesterday.
Howard said he went to vote yesterday and the place was run by all black ladies. He said that they seemed to love him when he walked in. They were all star struck when he went in there and he got special treatment there. There were no lines when he went to vote because he went in at around 2 in the afternoon.
Howard said a woman came up to him and told him that she watches him on TV every night. He said he knew she was lying because he didn't think she even had a TV. He walked into the booth to vote and some old guy walked by and said he doesn't like Howard Stern. He said the woman forgot to reset the booth for the vote so he was yanking on all of the levers until she told him she had to reset it.
Howard said it took him like an hour to vote and when he came out he said he thinks he voted not knowing if it was actually going to count. The woman told him that it will count though.
Howard explained to the caller how that all came about back when he was a little kid. Fred played some of the audio where his father talked about the green type of tube and finding the proper modulation. Howard said he hears that and thinks that his father was out of his fuckin mind back then.
The caller told Howard that he's been following Howard's ass wiping technique since reading his book years ago and he hasn't gotten hemorrhoids. Howard said he's been using baby wipes lately and someone sent him some chlorine free baby wipes. Ross Zapin gave him some Wet Ones with Vitamin E and Aloe so he's been using those.
Howard explained how he wipes with 3 pieces of toilet paper. He was wiping from back to front but Robin has explained to him that's the wrong direction. Howard has been trying to wipe from front to back with the wipes and he never has a clean wipe. It's always a mess back there.
Howard carries around all of his wiping stuff in his ''murse'' which is his man purse. He doesn't know why more guys don't carry around a murse like he does. Artie carries around a Rawlings leather bag. Artie also said he bought a Spider-Man folder to carry around his paperwork in. He showed it to Howard and said it makes him feel like he's back in school.
Howard explained what he's got in his bag and how he's got his wipes in there. Robin said she doesn't like how wet those wipes are.
Artie said he was coming back from Boston last weekend and he had to shit. He said he saw a diner on 2nd Ave, parked his car on the side, walked into the diner and did the shit walk into the bathroom. He had to go so bad that he just shit, gave 2 wipes and tried to flush but it didn't go down. He got out of there as fast as possible and left the mess there. He had to hurry up and get back to his car because he could have been towed. He said he may has well have just shit his pants because he didn't wipe well and made a mess in his pants.
Artie said he eats really unhealthy when he's on the road... like he eats any better when he's not on the road. He told Howard how he had gotten a couple of cheeseburgers and a milk shake at McDonalds and he thinks that the shake must have had a laxative in it. That's why he had to shit so bad.
Howard said he's thinking about joining a chess league. Artie told him not to do that. He was almost begging him not to join a chess league. Howard said he's heard about a club that he could go to and play against real people in person but he's thinking that staying online is the best way to go. He said that Beth is just waiting for him to burn out on this whole obsession because things don't last that long with him. The grilling only lasted a short time before he gave up on that. He used to love grilling but now he doesn't cook at all because he doesn't feel like it. Artie said he wouldn't either because it's a lot of work. He hates the clean up.
Howard mentioned that Cindy Margolis was going to be stopping by today. She's appearing in Playboy and looks amazing in the pictures he's seen. He said that it might be the hottest Playboy layout he's ever seen.
Howard said he was listening to Bubba's show yesterday and he thought the show was really good. They were having discussions about guys who are growers or showers. He explained to Robin how his penis changes from day to day as far as how big it is. He said that some days it'll be really tiny and other days it's just very small.
Howard said he goes from about a half inch to 6 inches so he must be a grower. That doesn't always happen with guys. He asked Artie how big he is when he's flaccid. Artie thought about it for a minute and said it's about 2 1/2 inches. It's under three. He said he's between 5 1/2 and 6 inches when he's erect because he has measured. He said he's never quite reached 6 inches.
Howard said Bubba's conversation was very interesting. He said Bubba was also talking politics a little bit and also talking about how he wasn't available the other day because he was at marriage counseling and he's not even married yet. Howard said they had a lot of interesting things on the show yesterday.
Howard said they were talking about what Bubba and his fiancee might be talking about in counseling. Howard said that he and Beth both agree that they don't want kids right now but if something changes in the future, what do they do? That's the kind of stuff that Bubba might be talking about with his future wife. Artie thinks that Howard should get out of the relationship before she wants kids because if they do end up having kids, Howard is going to resent the kid.
Robin said that she thinks Howard would love whatever came out of Beth and he would stay with her even if she did want kids. Robin made the decision not to have kids because she's too selfish for that. Howard said that she was a Big Sister to a girl though. Robin said that was one of the toughest things she's ever done and she did find herself in her car heading in the other direction on many occasions. She would turn around and go to get the girl though so she didn't bail out on her.
Howard said he loves his kids but he really doesn't want any more. He said it's a good idea for Bubba and his future wife to go to a therapist. It could help them get through stuff before they actually get married. Robin said that you don't always know how things are going to go 5 years from now. She asked Howard if he's heard about Brent's marriage because his wife has to call and ask him to do anything she does. Howard thinks that's got something to do with a guy who can't get away from his own mother.
King of All Blacks called in and asked Howard why he wouldn't be able to love a kid while he can love his bull dog. Howard said he was taking this discussion in a strange direction. He said he would love his kids but he doesn't want to have anymore. Robin said that Howard's condom could rip and he could spill his seed and get Beth pregnant. Howard said he didn't want to talk about that anymore. King said he doesn't want to face the reality of all of this.
Howard said he feels the same way Artie does when he's doing the Grandma Caprio impression. Artie got Howard's megaphone and started doing an impression of Beth asking him to have babies. Artie did that and even did an impression of Howard's grandmother. Artie switched between the two and did his female voice as Beth telling Robin she was pregnant. She said she was going to have a lot of baby weight on her and he was going to have a child. He said that they would never have to have sex again after she has the baby.
King said that he doesn't think that Beth is the kind of woman who would make Howard take care of the kid. Artie did some more of Howard's grandma and telling Howard she wanted Beth to convert to become a Jew. King told Howard he's going to have to face this whole thing some day soon. He thinks that in about 6 months from now she's going to ask for a baby and Howard will cave in and give her the baby.
Howard said he doesn't have to listen to that crap from King of All Blacks so he hung up on him. Melrose Larry Green called in and said he knows Howard is going to hang up on him but he can't stand his stance on the Iraq war. Melrose said that Artie voted for Bush but Artie said that's not true. Melrose wished Artie luck at Carnegie Hall and told Howard he's depressed and this is not the end of the road for the Republicans. He got off the line a short time later without getting into the war discussion too much.
A caller told Howard that he's a grower just like Howard is. Howard told the guy they should all stick together as a group. Artie told Howard that Norm Macdonald has said on the show that he's 6 inches flaccid and when he's hard. He doesn't grow at all when he gets erect. Howard said he's had to hide his penis over the years and can't show it to guys in the locker room.
Robin said that she was looking at the statue of David and he looks very small. Howard said he likes that statue because Michelangelo didn't go too far and give the guy a huge penis. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that all of his old Channel 9 shows are available on YouTube. Howard said that's his problem with YouTube. He said some guys just made a billion dollars selling that site to Google and they're using his material on there. Artie said that he's going to try suing them over the content they have of his up there so maybe Howard should go for it as well.
Howard told Gary to tell his agent about the channel 9 stuff being up on YouTube. Gary came in and told Howard that he was talking about an old episode of a show that Joe Frasier was on and when he went on YouTube to find it, he ended up finding an episode of E! when Joe was on Howard's show. The whole show was up there. Gary said he would talk to Howard's agent about that today.
Robin told Howard that Google just worked out a deal with Verizon to let people watch the YouTube stuff on their cell phones. Howard didn't sound too happy about that.
Howard said that Ritch had another story that Jay Leno had told him. Howard didn't think the story was true but Ritch said that Jay told him the story himself so he thinks it's true. Ritch told Howard that this was back in the 70s and some woman had asked Jay to tie her up to have sex with her. He did that but then realized that he had to move his car. He ran out and when he went back in and forgot what her last name was and which apartment she was in so he just left her there. He later heard that it was the best thing that had ever happened to the woman.
Howard said there was another guy who called himself the Amazing Jonathan. Ritch told a story about that guy and how he was fucking his opening act. He said that she used to like a vibrator up her ass and one night it went too far in and he wasn't able to get it out. He was friends with Roseanne Barr so he called her and asked to borrow her car to take this woman to the hospital. He told Roseanne what the problem was and she let him borrow the car. He took the woman to the hospital and helped her out but Roseanne told people the story and it changed to make it seem like Jonathan was the one who had it up his ass.
Howard gave Ritch a plug for his book and asked him about a George Lopez story. Ritch told a story about George doing a show with this guy Spanky who would open for him. Spanky got blown during the show and the woman spit his load into a coffee cup that was in the green room and some woman came walking in and drank it a short time later. They didn't stop her from doing it even though they probably could have.
Artie told Ritch the book was really good and he did a great job on it. Howard said there was another story in the book about Bob Schimmel's mother seeing Rodney Dangerfield's balls hanging out. Howard wished Ritch luck with the book and let him go.
Howard said he was watching Dancing with the Stars last night and it was just a recap show. Ronnie came in and told him that they had the regular show on later on at like 8:30 last night. Jon Hein came in and told Howard that they did that because of all of the local election coverage that was going on. Howard said that was a bad move because he didn't bother sticking with it when he saw the recap going on.
Howard talked about the show ''Heroes'' and how he thinks they could make it better if they just showed these people using their super powers. Jon Hein said he's heard that they're going to have the people using their powers every week eventually. They're starting off slow. Howard said the show is okay and he'll probably stick with it but it's a little slow right now.
Howard and the guys talked about some other comic book movies. Howard said he loves anything comic book based. They also brought up the Borat movie and how there's a guy claiming that he's the ''real'' Borat and he was ripped off.
Howard wondered how Congresswoman Heather Wilson was doing in the election. Gary said he was checking into it and she had a very minor lead and she was only ahead by about 1000 votes. He thinks that it'll be a recount because it's so close. This is the woman who went off on the heads of CBS one day in some hearings they had after the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident. Fred played some audio of her going off on Mel Karmazin when he was still working at CBS.
Howard mentioned some of the stuff they have up on Howard TV this week including Beth's FHM shoot. They have a lot of other things like some classic Stuttering John stuff among other things. Howard said they also have a documentary on the Sybian coming up soon.
Some people wrote in about the Beth O FHM layout and how good she looks in there. Howard had some mail about Heidi Cortez. A lot of people wanted her off the air yesterday. Fred said that people wrote in over and over again about how annoying Heidi was.
Howard said some people asked about how Bianca is doing. Howard said she's fine, there's nothing wrong with her but she does have a little bit of a limp. Howard had to take a break and said that he would have Cindy Margolis coming in shortly. He had a bunch of other things to get to as well like clips from Riley Martin's show that was on last night.
Cindy told Howard that she told Howard years ago that she would never pose nude but she finally just broke down and did it. She said that Hugh Hefner called to wish her a happy birthday on her 40th birthday and offered to have her do a layout. She thought it was great that he still wanted her and figured she had to do it.
Howard said that Cindy must have done this as a business decision. Cindy said that is the case. Howard told her that it might be the best layout he's seen. She thanked him for that and said that she got a 10 page layout which was something that they don't usually do.
Artie told Cindy that her pictures are incredible. Robin said that they were amazing as well so Cindy thanked them all for that. Howard didn't like her landing strip pubic hair but Artie said he likes that. Howard said Cindy has really nice nips and asked her who did her boobs. She said that she had a lift after her child was born but she does not have implants. Fred said that there's no way that they're real. She insists that they're real and you can tell because her nips don't point in the wrong direction.
Cindy said that she wasn't trying to look like a 20 year old Playmate, she was just showing that a 40 year old can look good. Cindy said that she's going through a mid-life crisis now and she wishes that she was more of a slut when she was younger. She said she was so righteous when she was younger and she regrets that.
Cindy dated Matt Leblanc a few times but she never let him sleep with her. She now realizes she could have had so much more fun back then. She said she knows she blew it. Now she's in shape and having some fun.
Howard asked Cindy if her ass looks as good in person as it does in the layout. Cindy said she will not be showing her ass so it probably looks better in the layout. Cindy said she wasn't wearing any panties but she was not going to show the guys her ass. She did pull up her skirt quickly so Howard got a quick view.
Howard said the money offer must have been pretty good to do this layout. He wondered if it was higher now than it was back when she was ''the most downloaded woman on the internet.'' Cindy said that the offer was more this time than it was back then. The money is going to a good cause. It's going to a charity for infertility. Howard said he thinks that if he shot his load in Cindy, she would have a child. That led to Artie doing his Beth impression on the megaphone which pissed Howard off a little bit.
Cindy said that she had one child herself but her other kids came from a surrogate mother. That woman had twins for her so she's got three kids now. Cindy said the surrogate thing was a different experience. The woman is still in touch with her and she gets to see the kids. She said it was basically like renting the woman's womb. She said the woman was an angel and everything has worked out. She knew that the woman wasn't going to run away with her kids or anything like that.
Howard asked what they pay these surrogates. He guessed that it was $30,000 which was right on the spot according to Cindy. She said it's really not enough money because the woman had to carry her children for 9 months. She said she may have given her some other gifts and things after that but she can't say that she gave the woman money. Cindy said that her daughters are only 16 months old so they don't know about that yet. Her son is a little older and does know what went down.
Howard said he didn't like seeing her in the flats shoes she was wearing in the magazine. He said that no woman should be photographed in flats. Howard asked her if she's a good lay. Cindy said she's been told she is so she figures she is. She said she's good at giving blow jobs by her husband. Howard asked her what makes them so good. She said she just enjoys it. She said she will even put her tongue in a guys ass. Howard asked her what that tastes like. She said that her husband has to shower first so it doesn't taste like anything. Howard has never had that because he's afraid of a woman catching a whiff down there.
Howard asked Cindy how she keeps things fresh with her husband. She said that going to hotels is one way to keep things fresh. Artie asked her if she would give her husband a blumpkin, which is oral on the toilet while he's taking a shit. She wouldn't do that.
Cindy said she hasn't taken a crap in about a week because she eats so little. Howard said that's what Beth is like as well. She said she goes for colonics and that seems to have cleaned her out very well. She thought she had stuff stuck inside of her since she was a little kid so she had her system flushed out. She had a guy doing the procedure so she was very embarrassed by that.
Howard gave Cindy some plugs for her upcoming appearances. You can find out more at Myspace.com/CindyMargolis. Howard asked her about anal sex after that. She said that she has tried it and done it about 10 times. The first time was the worst and after that it's not so bad.
Cindy was also talking about how her husband shaves down by his ass so she doesn't run into any hair or anything there. She said she was going to get into so much trouble for talking about this stuff. Howard said he feels like he has hair in his hole down there and wanted to know what she feels when she sticks her tongue in there. She didn't want to go there though.
Howard said he once stuck an electric razor in his ass to cut the hair and a lot came out. Artie said he's never shaved his balls because he's afraid of cutting himself. Howard said he wouldn't mind having a little vibration near his ass but not in it. Artie said he once had a woman stick a pinkie up his ass and it felt alright in the beginning but then it was kind of startling.
Cindy said that men do like it when something goes up their ass. She said she doesn't like to have one up her's though. She said the nails can be kind of uncomfortable so that's why she doesn't like it.
Cindy said that her husband had told her that she can be with another woman but she wouldn't want him to be there if she did it. She said she has thought about doing it on many occasions and she might do it someday. Howard said he would be really jealous if his girlfriend did that.
Cindy mentioned that her husband had dated Angie Everhart so Howard let her know that he had sex with Angie and Angie said that he was the best lover she ever had. Cindy asked Howard how Angie was in bed. Howard said that his current girlfriend is the greatest but Angie was ''quite good.'' Howard offered to do Cindy in bed and that way she'd know what he's like.
Howard asked Cindy about the photo shoot she did for Playboy and how that went. She said that on the first day it was kind of embarrassing but she soon loosened up and let anyone come in to see her. Howard gave her a couple more plugs and then took some phone calls.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked Cindy of she swallows the goo. She said ''of course I do'' and Howard added that she's a good girl for doing that. Howard tried to take another phone call but the guy wasn't there. He told Cindy that one of the most requested TV shows is the one where Cindy and her friend Alissa were on and gave each other wet t-shirts.
Cindy said that the woman was her husband best friend's girlfriend but he cheated on her and she stopped being friends with her. Howard said that they tried getting that woman back on the show but it just never happened.
Ralph called in and said that what women should learn from all of this is that it's not a prize they have and they should sleep around more. Howard asked her if she wishes that she could be with another man. She said that happens all the time even though she's happily married. She said that happens to her every day. She said that it's great when a hot guy in his 20s comes up to her and hits on her. Howard told her she could probably find some guys who would bang her and not tell her husband. She wondered what guy would do that and everyone in the studio said ''I would!'' at the same time.
Howard wondered if Cindy would ever sleep with another man before she's dead. She said she hopes that will happen at least once. She claims that her husband told her that she can bring a new boyfriend to his funeral. Howard told Cindy that he could see her ''beef'' when she moved right on the couch. She said everyone can see it in Playboy if they want to.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he shaves his balls and what he does is lather up with conditioner and then shaves them down. He said he goes against the grain and it comes right off. Another caller asked Cindy if she saw the Kirstie Alley thing on Oprah. She didn't see it so Howard told her about what he saw. He guessed that she's about 170 pounds even though she claims to be 140. He said she needs to lose a lot more weight.
Howard wrapped up with Cindy and said that he doesn't think that her layout is airbrushed at all. She thanked him for that. He went to break a short time later.
Cindy told Howard she wanted to look like she did in her layout so she tanned up. She wiped some of it off for them to show how it was transferred to the panties. Artie joked that he was going to have to change the title of his blog from ''Margolis shits pants'' to something else.
Sal came in and asked if he could smell the panties. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. He took a whiff and said that it smelled like flowers and a ''little bit of must.'' Sal said it smelled kind of like his grandmother's toilet seat. Sal took the panties and put them on his face like a medical mask. Gary said that Cindy had to get going so he had to drag her out of there.
Artie said that Cabbie borrowed some money from him and he tried to pay him back. He said it's breaking his heart that Cabbie is going through all of this stuff and he might let him borrow money again. Cabbie said his agent told him that FreeFM offered him a deal before he went into jail and when he got out they didn't have anything for him. Now he's going to have a weekly show on Faction 28 on SIRIUS.
Howard said he hopes that Cabbie does okay there and he knows that he will mix things up when he's hanging around there. Cabbie said they're going to start him out on Saturday nights and maybe work him in to a daily thing there. Cabbie said he got ratings and advertising dollars when he was on K-Rock but that stuff doesn't matter on satellite.
Cabbie said that his show will be on Saturday nights and he will do his best when he starts. Artie told him to call him next week because he might be able to hook him up with someone to help him out with this book he wants to right. Cabbie said he's got a lot of stuff for his book. He asked Artie if he could borrow five grand. Artie told him to call him next week and they'll talk about that.
Gary told Howard that Cabbie didn't even have enough money for tolls or anything like that. That's why he wasn't able to show up today.
Howard read some tabloid news stories and saw that Reese Witherspoon has to give half of her money to her ex-husband. He also talked about how Paula Abdul has apparently gone out and gotten breast implants. There were some other various stories that he quickly read through. Robin said that he hasn't mentioned the Britney Spears and Kevin Federline story yet. Howard said he was going to bring that up next.
Howard talked about what a mess Britney Spears' career has become since she got married and had kids. Robin said that when your divorce looks like a good idea, you know it was a disaster. Howard said it wouldn't surprise him if she ended up in a mental institution.
Robin said that Kevin Federline is getting new nicknames like ''Fed-Ex'' and stuff like that. Meanwhile Britney Spears is trying to get her career going again and she seems to be doing a good job so far.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she got caught listening to the Sybian rides during yesterday's show. She said she's a real estate agent and some clients heard the moaning accidentally when she turned her car on. Howard told her she had quite a way of telling a story and hung up on her.
Hoard played a voice mail that Richard Christy's father left for him. He told him about some puppies that they just had and that was about it.
Howard had a new prank call that Richard Christy made to a call in show. Richard asked the hosts what they think of the Tangerine crop this year but they were talking about the Rain Forest, not about tangerines. Richard called back and brought up the turnip crops after that. Then they disconnected the phone so he wouldn't call in again. The phone still rang after that and it was Richard once again.
Howard had a clip where Sal tried to call a Chinese Restaurant and have her talk to the host of a TV show. The host of the show freaked out when he heard the woman asking him what food he wanted not knowing that Sal had set the whole thing up to confuse both of them. Sal then called in himself and asked the host how to keep those black people quiet in the theaters. The guy flipped out on him of course.
Tim Sabean came in and said that they have gotten a lot of positive feedback from the fans about that show so he's going to program the show based on what he reads on SternFanNetwork and HowardShrine.com
Howard had Fred play the Gilbert Gottfried prank call that Sal and Richard made to a bath house. He thought the call was very funny so he wanted to hear it again. Howard said the guy who answered the phone probably had to put up with people calling him gay and he had to put up with someone like Gilbert saying ''What are you a homo?''
Howard played another clip of Jackie's show where he was talking about the C-word and why he uses the word in his act. Howard said he loves Jackie's comedy theories because he's got a million of them. Jackie told his co-host, Ian, about one joke he tells about the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus... The picture only needs one nail to hang... and how people get really uptight about that stuff and walk out. Howard said they probably walk out because it's not all that great. Artie said that he wasn't offended by it but he'd probably walk out anyway.
Howard said that Jackie stopped telling Pollock jokes after someone threatened him one time. He changed all of his jokes after that. Howard asked Robin if she had enough at that point. She was ready to move on to the Riley Martin audio clips but Howard wanted to play one more Jackie clip.
Howard played another clip where Jackie did a punch line first thing. He gave the punch line and then told the joke. Howard said those guys seem to be having a good time on that show. Fred played some of the newer Jackie song parodies they've been playing.
Artie said that the show should be about a solid hour or hour and a half. He said that's about all a comedy show should be.
Artie talked about doing the roast for this chef Mario Batalli. He told Howard about all of the guys who were there and how it wasn't taped for TV. He said the event was held at this place called Cappi Tal and the food was unbelievable. The guy is a big fat guy and it wasn't too hard to goof on him. He said one of his jokes was that he looks like Kiefer Sutherland if he got stung by bees. He had a lot of fun doing that.
Howard played the audio from Riley's show from last night where he talked about all seven of the alien groups who maintain the mother ship. He said back in 1988 he heard from a new voice, not his friend Tan who he usually heard from, and they told him how much they had heard about him. He was explaining all of this by doing a whispering voice and huffing into the microphone.
Howard and Artie were talking about how they love when these guys go off on a tangent and just start rambling about weird shit. Howard got back to the Riley clip where he was rambling on and on about the contact he had with Tan and this other alien back in 1988.
Artie wondered which job is harder, Riley's sidekick or Jackie's sidekick. After listening to a couple more minutes of the Riley stuff, Howard figured it was being Riley's sidekick. The guy had to say ''Wow!'' after Riley rambled on and on about this crazy alien talk.
Howard played some of Jackie's Joke Hunt show and had some clips of Gilbert Gottfried laughing at what he was saying. Each time Jackie would laugh Howard would play some of the Gilbert laughs from when he was on the other day. After listening to a little more of the Jackie stuff he said that his sidekick might have the harder job.
JD came in and told Howard about some other Riley clips he had pulled. There was one clip where Riley said he's trying to get a longer show. He wants to be on during the morning hours. Howard seems to think he's nuts for wanting that though. Howard played a bunch of Riley Martin song parodies and prank calls and then went to break.
Artie asked Ian if he's a stand-up comic or something. Ian said he did some stand-up work years ago but that's not what he does. He said Jackie found him through the Friars club. He's a producer and director. Howard asked him if Jackie has given him advice on how to laugh better. They all joked around about how Jackie might do that. Howard let him go and brought in the guys for their show updates.
Jon Hein was in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Cindy Margolis' appearance on the show and how that went. They'll also talk about Artie's impressions of Grandma Stern and Beth. Jon also said that they'll talk about the opening theme and Gary's new nickname Mac-Hine. That led to Fred playing a new song parody they had for Gary's new Mac-Hine sound clip.
Gary came in and asked if everyone in the studio knew the answer to that question that he got the Mac-Hine thing on. Artie said he may have missed it if he hadn't head it before. Ralph said he couldn't stop saying that word yesterday after Gary screwed it up. Fred kept throwing in the audio clip during that discussion.
Ralph asked Howard why he thinks Jackie doesn't call into the show at all. Howard went into his Jackie impression and said that maybe it's too early in the morning for him.
Howard asked who was going to Artie's show on Thursday night. Robin is going and Artie said he's got a bunch of other people on the list who haven't RSVP'd yet. Jon said he hadn't gotten an invite so he wasn't sure if he was going. Artie said these tickets are tighter than the movie premiere.
Howard went into his Grandma Caprio impression a little bit and then Artie went into his Beth impression a little bit. Artie said that Jon may be invited to the comedy show depending on who turns down tickets. Fred said he's trying to get a babysitter and if he can't get one, he'll have to give up his tickets.
Jon said that the comments have already started out in the hallway. He said that people want to go and feel like they're being overlooked. Ronnie was the first one to come in and said that he would baby sit for Fred's kid since he wasn't invited. Jon wished Artie luck with the show tomorrow night. Artie said that he could go if he lets Ronnie sit on his lap at the show.
Steve the Intern was in to give his show preview. Steve mentioned a few of the things they'd be discussing about his Rolling Stones concert ticket win. They'll also be talking to an old intern who worked for Howard back in 1985-1987. She'll be talking about the crazy things she had to do for them back then. Fred apparently made her cry back then so she'll be talking about that. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Ralph called in at one point to talk about a book he was reading about Paris Hilton's life growing up. He also said that tonight on Entertainment Tonight they're doing one of those shows where they dress up a hot chick as an ugly chick and she realizes that no one wants to talk to her when she's ugly. They spent a short time talking about how dumb those shows are. It's obvious that people don't talk to ugly chicks.
Gary came in and gave Howard an update on the Congresswoman Heather Wilson votes. She was still ahead by 1,300 votes at that point but they had 5,000 uncounted votes that they had to go through. He said they may not know the winner until next week.
A woman called in during the news and told Howard how funny one of the Howard TV shows was. She said it was Sal in a haunted house. Howard mentioned some of the other shows they have up there this week and some stuff they have coming up soon as well.
Howard couldn't get over the fact that Cindy Margolis likes to put her tongue up a guys ass. He quickly mentioned that as Robin was ending her news. Artie also mentioned that he's been offered the chance to do a show at Symphony Hall in Boston on March 9th. He's going to do that and got in a quick plug before Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show singing along to his American Nightmare opening theme song. He said he got a lot of feedback about his discussion about changing the song. He read through some of that mail and people really want him to keep the song. Some people called him names because he thought about changing that song. The fans think the song is very fitting for the show and it brings an energy to them when they hear it. One guy threatened to cancel his subscription if he changed the opening song. He said he didn't get one e-mail in favor of changing the song.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked how Gary got his new Mac-Hine name this week. Howard had to explain it to her because she missed that one day of the show. He gave her the same test that the guy gave Gary when he called in. Jessica was stumbling over the second word not knowing what the word was. Howard told her she was close enough and asked her the ''machine'' word and she screwed it up just like Gary did.
Howard wondered how Jessica could get that wrong just like Gary did. Robin told her to write it down but she kept pronouncing it ''Mac-Hine'' instead of just machine. She even wrote it down and kept saying ''Mac-Hine.'' Artie told her to write it down and try to figure it out, then call back in a couple of hours. Jessica seemed to think that they make fun of her every time she calls in and she can't believe that.
Howard told Jessica to try to pronounce the word after spelling it out again. She still didn't get it. Howard tried to help her out and figure out the word but it wasn't working. She was saying it was ''MacHiney'' and stuff like that. She knew they were goofing on her but didn't understand why. Howard eventually told her to spell it out in giant letters in front of her and she finally figured it out. She couldn't believe she didn't get it and said she was so embarrassed.
Howard told Jessica that's how Gary became ''Mac-Hine.'' she couldn't believe that Gary fell for that. Gary tried to goof on her by asking her spell some words but he stalled after asking her to spell ''Post.'' Gary screwed it up so he gave up on trying to fool her again. Artie asked her to pronounce ''dumfuk'' before she got off the line. She said it and got off the line. Gary said that the Machine question wasn't an IQ question so it doesn't show how smart or dumb he is.
Howard read some mail about Artie's Grandma Stern and Beth impressions on the show yesterday. One person suggested that Artie have a Baby Stern on the phone as well as Beth and Gradnma Stern.
Howard said that Beth got a hold of him and asked about the baby thing since her brothers had told her about it. Howard said that she heard that he was saying that having a baby would be the worst thing in his life. He said it would be a nightmare for him to have a kid at his age. He's not Imus or Tony Randall. Robin said that she knows a guy who is older than Howard and he's having a baby with his young wife and how he has to add a second wing onto his house for the baby.
Howard read some mail about Artie eating and how everyone on the show is an enabler. They don't try to stop Artie from eating so much. Howard said he can't do anything about that, it's up to Artie to stop eating if he wants to.
Howard thought that Cindy Margolis was a great guest yesterday but he got a lot of negative e-mail about her appearance. He read through one where the writer complained about her not showing her ass and stuff like that. Howard said he got an avalanche of negative feedback about her. There were some positive ones though. He read one where the writer said he liked that she didn't dodge any of the questions that Howard asked her. Howard said other than that one it was all negative. Some people thought she was a fake and she shouldn't have been on the show.
Howard read one e-mail from someone who said Howard shouldn't have been asking about hair on a guy's asshole with Cindy Margolis. Gary said he was trying to defend that interview yesterday on the Wrap Up Show because people just wanted her to get naked. He said he could parade porn stars through there naked all the time but he figured that people don't want that all the time. Gary also said that she didn't look good in the pictures that Jason took, but she looked great in person.
Howard read through some mail about Jackie the Joke Man's radio show. There was one e-mail about how funny it is when Fred plays the Gilbert Gottfried laughs during the playing of Jackie's show clips. Howard said there was some feedback about Howard's comments about Kirstie Alley on Oprah's show. One person thought he was a little rough on the 55 year old woman. Howard said that Kirstie is still fat and she has to be lying about her weight. She claims to be 140 pounds but Howard thought she looked terrible. He said she looks better but doesn't look good enough to be in a bikini.
Howard said that Ronnie got upset yesterday after the limo got all filled with water. Ronnie had to call Howard and let him know he had to get the car fixed so he let him borrow his GMC Yukon Denali. Howard said that Ronnie put in some sort of device in the car so the engine would be noisy. Ronnie said he changed the exhaust system, he didn't put in a device. Howard said he turned this nice vehicle into a loud truck so people will notice him.
Howard said that he had to tell his daughter that Ronnie had made it noisy like that on purpose. She couldn't believe it. Howard said Mike the Limo Driver likes the noise so his daughter had him gun it to show them how loud it is. Howard doesn't understand why that sound turns guys on. Ronnie said the truck has a Corvette motor in it and he wanted to hear it run. Howard still didn't understand why he would change a nice quiet truck like that and make it loud.
Robin was goofing on Ronnie but he pointed out that she's got a Corvette that makes noise as well. Ronnie said he made it a little faster as well but Robin said that's not true, he just made it noisier. Howard said he was looking at Ronnie's truck and he's got a Roadrunner thing taped to his dashboard. Ronnie said his first car was a Roadrunner and he's had that stuffed animal since then so he puts in every car of his. Howard didn't understand that either. The guys talked about some of the stickers Ronnie has stuck on his truck as well.
Artie talked about taking Ronnie out for a ride in his car one time and he ended up scaring the shit out of Ronnie and a few other people. Ronnie said that Artie was loaded but Howard told him that Artie wasn't loaded (wink, wink). Ronnie said Artie was flying through red lights and stopping really hard when he would stop. Then he would power brake the car and take off from lights as fast as possible. The two strippers they had in the car had to run into the bathroom to throw up from the scary ride. Artie said he had a maniacal laugh that he would give each time he took off from the light.
Howard said he heard that Ronnie was going to get a Road Runner tattoo when he was out in Vegas but he ended up getting a panther instead. He told Ronnie it looks like a salamander, not a panther. He had Ronnie show everyone and Robin said it did look like a lizard to her. She said it looks nothing like a cat to her.
Artie said that Ronnie is a fun guy to hang out with. He's got a lot of stuff going on with him and he always seems to have fun no matter what they're doing. Gary came in and tried to defend himself to Ronnie who thought he was goofing on him yesterday on the Wrap Up Show. Gary said he was talking about how well they treat Ronnie who is a driver and security there. Gary said he was just joking around but Ronnie was upset about the comments he made.
Ronnie said that Brian Phelan is upset because he wasn't invited to Artie Carnegie Hall show. He was supposed to be invited there because he didn't go to the Atlantic City show. Artie said he just forgot about that, he didn't leave him out on purpose.
Howard played some audio from the Wrap Up Show where Artie and Ronnie got into a little bit of a fight on the phone. They didn't spend a lot of time talking about the call though.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard he's a big fan of that chick Keely Hazel and showed him some other pictures. Howard checked them out and said she was hot.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Wendy Williams was on some show talking about him and saying that he appeared to be unhappy there at SIRIUS. Howard said he's not unhappy there and Wendy Williams doesn't know anything about him. She was on the show one time and that's it.
Artie said he was watching a show that Wendy Williams was on and her co-host was ripping on Dice Clay calling him a has-been and stuff like that. It was pretty brutal but it looked like it was kind of set up and they were trying to come off like they were controversial.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it looks like Howard has terrestrial radio on the brink of destruction since he left for satellite. Howard had some news clips where the news reporters were basically saying that he ''is'' SIRIUS satellite radio. Howard doesn't believe that's the case and they have so many other things to offer there. He and Artie said that it's an amazing company.
Howard said that Mel Karmazin was on a show talking about the company and the host of the show never sits down. Howard played some of that clip and Mel has some nice words to say about him. Mel said that Howard only needed 1 million subscribers to pay for himself and they've gotten over 4 million since he signed on so that's paying for his show no problem. Mel said that they're also getting NASCAR starting in January and that will last for 5 years.
Howard said that SIRIUS is doing very well and there are a lot of people out there who are upset about that because they're growing and the other companies are not. He said no one really knows what the potential is for this company.
Howard played a clip from the Wendy Williams show where her co-host was goofing on him asking him if he was trying to make a come back or something. The guy was trying to get Dice all riled up and it seemed to work. Dice was goofing on the guy but Howard said he thought it sounded kind of set up. Dice probably didn't know about it but it seemed like the guy was goofing on him like he was told to do that.
Alice eventually told Fred that he has the right to be heard on the show, he's been on there for 25 years. Fred thanked her for that and Howard asked her for her pick. Artie told her to lift up her stomach to look at the paper to give her pick. Alice started to go off on Artie again and said that he's satan and called him some other names.
Artie was calling Alice names and getting her all revved up like he does each Thursday. He was making fun of her weight and talking about how she looks like a pile of shit. She shot right back with her comments and cursed him out.
Howard asked Alice to get to her pick so they could move on. She told Howard she was going with the Chiefs this week. Howard asked her how she makes the picks. She said she just guesses at them, she doesn't ask anyone for any advice. She just goes with what she feels is going to work. Artie asked her when she last saw her feet and if she could even see her dick anymore.
Howard asked Alice a question that actually scared her off the phone. it wasn't clear why though. Big Foot Mark was on the phone and said he's going with the Ravens this weekend. He said he just looks for the spread and picks the team he likes best from that. He knows very little about football but he's beating Artie in this pool. Howard asked Big Foot if he can even read. Big Foot said he can only read a little bit. He said his manager reads it to him and that's how he knows what to say.
Howard let Big Foot go and got Elegant Elliot Offen on the phone. Elliot was talking about his video where Violet sticks a black butt plug in his ass. He said that people can see that and other things in the video if they order it. Howard said that she's a very attractive woman but Elliot wanted him to say that she's a blonde bombshell. Howard let Elliot talk more about the video of his. He just wanted to give people a glimpse into what his video is about. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about what this woman Violet does to him in the video and then asked him to give his plug. Elliot said you can get it at the Funny Store in New York City or go on GangsterTalk.biz to order it. He said he's also selling prank calls that he will make to people who pay for them. He said the calls are half price today from 7am to 2pm only.
Elliot said that he saw online that there were some old pictures of Howard's wife and she looked like a schnauser. Howard cut him off and asked him to give his pick. He said he wasn't angry with him but he wanted him to give his pick. Elliot was getting a little crazy and said that he doesn't like this format of the show. Howard told him to get his own show and come up with his own format. Elliot was rambling and asked Howard why he got his ass kicked off the radio. Howard figured he was just trying to provoke him and he wanted him to just give his pick. Elliot wouldn't stop with the comments though so Howard actually hung up on him. Elliot was about to comment on Howard's parents so he cut him off before that happened.
Howard said that Elliot is unbearable. He tried to be nice to let him try and win this $25,000 but he's been calling in threatening to sue them. He said he thinks that they're not letting him win this money but it's a contest, not a guaranteed $25,000. He's had it with Elliot and he's doing his best to keep the game together but it's tough with Elliot.
Gary came in and said that Elliot has used up all of his contacts there because he won't listen to anyone. Howard told Gary that he's taking the show hostage and from now on he's going to just take his plug and pool pick off the air. Elliot was back on the phone and said he was calling the shots. Howard told him he's not calling anything. He had to hang up on him again because he was starting to ramble again.
Howard said that they've spoken to Elliot off the air many times telling him to give his pick but he continues to filibuster no matter what they say to him. Artie said that he's playing for this guy Wheels and he's starting to feel bad for the guy because he is losing right now.
Howard forgot to take Artie's pick again and took a call from a guy who said that listening to Howard complain is worse than listening to Elliot rambling. Howard knows that and he apologized to the guy. Artie gave his pick next and said that he was going to go with the Giants this weekend. He said they're giving 1 to the Bears. Howard went to break after that.
Gary came in and said that Artie may not fit in the chair that the TV guys had for him to play the game. They said that they might have to switch the chair out because he's gotten so big. Howard asked Lisa what she had for them today. She said Steve Langford will be shadowing Artie on every move tonight at his Carnegie Hall show. Shuli will also be there at Carnegie Hall interviewing fans. Lisa G said that Artie's show sold out in a record 3 hours and the staff there weren't prepared for that type of response. 3000 people will be there to see him. Artie said that Boston's Symphony Hall has also sold out.
Howard asked Artie if Dana is going to be at the show tonight. Artie said he's not sure right now. Howard asked him how he can be her boyfriend and not know something like that. Artie said she doesn't want to deal with all of the people that are going to be questioning her so she may not show up. Robin and Howard asked Artie if any of these woman that are there for the dial-a-date have a shot with him. He said it depends on how hot they are. None of them will live up to Dana's hotness in his head though.
Howard asked Artie what he got for Dana's birthday. He said he didn't want to say since she didn't get it yet. He said he spent in the range of what he spent on his watch which is somewhere around $12,000. He said that obviously means it's not an engagement ring because he couldn't spend that little on something like that. He said he knows guys who are working construction and dropping $20,000 on engagement rings. That's nuts.
Artie said that the fans are going to enjoy this show tonight. Howard is also going and said he'll be going out to dinner before the show.
Howard asked Lisa what else they had coming up. She mentioned that they'll have a Mr. Skin minute and lots of other things. Howard let her go after that.
Howard wondered if he's going to be seated with Artie's family again at this show. Artie said he's hoping that they seat him with the people he works with. Gary came in and said that his tickets are in a different row than Howard's row. Howard said he'll be fine in any spot in the theater.
Howard played a song by a group that was a minor hit not too long ago. It was called ''Supersonic'' and sounded very much like Fergie's ''Fergilicious'' song. Howard assumes that it's a remake of that song because it sounds so much like it. He said they just changed the word ''Supersonic'' to ''Fergilicious'' and it seems like a complete rip-off to him. Robin didn't think that they could copyright a beat though. Fred said you can't call that a rip-off because it's just the cadence that's the same. The guys all argued that for a few minutes. Howard compared the two songs a few times and it sounded almost exactly the same to him. Artie said that it's not even music so you can't say it's a rip off.
Howard took a call from a guy who filled Howard in on some details about those rap songs they were listening to earlier. That led to Gary coming in and saying that the guys who wrote the Supersonic song had writing credits on the Fergie song so it must have been taken legally and not ripped off.
Robin said that Kevin Federline didn't know he was getting a divorce until he got a text message telling him about the divorce. Howard talked about how nuts the two of them are and how they shouldn't have ever gotten married. He said that Kevin is vile and the whole thing is disgusting. He said Britney had it made with her career before all of this stuff went down.
Howard said that sometimes a career comes too easily and people end up screwing things up like Britney did. Gary told Howard that Kevin Federline is out doing wrestling stuff for the WWE. Howard had a clip from one of those shows where Kevin gets in a plug for his album and wants to take on Jon Cena. The audience was booing his comments and even his name when it was announced.
Howard wanted to move on to Artie's dating game so he asked Artie how he wanted to work this whole thing. Artie wasn't prepared but Howard had some questions for the girls. He was more prepared than Artie was. Artie said he was going to do the Mac-Hine thing that fooled Gary yesterday with the girls. Howard had to go to break before bringing the girls in.
Artie said he's had it happen to him but it doesn't happen a lot. Howard said he pees a lot at night and his underpants are wet at night sometimes now. He drinks a lot of water at night and that makes him piss a lot. Fred said that sometimes he's dribbled when pulling his pants up over his dick but it doesn't just dribble like Howard was explaining. Fred also has a foreskin so he has to wipe it all the time.
Howard said Beth told him to change his pants before he went out to his daughter but he was still denying it was pee. He said he really doesn't want pee stains on his pants and it really sucks. He said he prides himself on his virility and this is really upsetting him. He said the stains actually went through his underwear and out to his pants.
Howard talked about how Beth has noticed that his underwear is wet once in a while and she's pointed it out to him. Robin wondered if this is going to cause major problems in the future. Howard said it's just a few drops, it's not a lot of pee. Artie said that the bathroom issues are major things in a relationship.
Howard had Dominic Barbara on the phone. He said he tried calling him the other day and wasn't able to get through to him. Dominic told Howard that the reason he's pissing his pants is because he's not standing at the toilet. Howard said he does stand at work, he just sits at home. Gary said he can't go more than 2 hours without pissing so he's having issues as well. That led to the guys saying that Howard may have an enlarged prostate. Howard said he's just going to have to be very diligent and shake the thing and wipe it after peeing.
Dominic said that sitting is the problem but Fred said that when someone has an enlarged prostate, they're told to sit down to pee.Dominic insisted that Howard doesn't have a problem with his prostate, he just needs to stand up when he pees. Dominic's call went dead and then Howard noticed that all of the phones were dead at that point.
Howard got another phone call up and the guy didn't know he was talking to Howard Stern so Howard ended up hanging up on him. Another guy got on but the guys could hear their engineer talking under the phone caller. Howard said he's been hearing things like that for a couple of days now. The caller told Howard that it does sound like he has a prostate problem and he might want to get that checked out. Howard said he's sick of going to doctors.
Howard said he's not taking any drugs to fix a prostate problem. Fred read some notes about what this stuff Flomax does to a guy. Gary was on it like 10 years ago and he had a ghost orgasm when he didn't blow a load even though he came. He said he was having problems peeing back then and had to go back every 10 minutes.
Gary told Howard that they have to reset the phones so Howard told him to just do it. He moved on to the Artie dating game thing.
Bachelorette number 1 told Howard about her past relationships and why she was looking to date Artie. The second woman said she loves that Artie is humble and thinks that he's sweet. The third woman said she thinks Artie is attractive and he seems like a great person from what she's heard on the show. She said she thinks he has a good heart even though he's done the heroin, gone out with hookers and stuff like that.
Howard asked the girls their ages and found out they're 35, 28 and 23. Artie said he had his pick after hearing the ages. He was just joking and said that all of these girls are probably too hot for him. Howard went on to ask the girls what they thought of Artie's addictions. The girls didn't seem to mind that he had been addicted to heroin and other things over the years.
Howard asked number 1 if she's ever licked a man's taint. She laughed and said ''I don't know.'' She then said she doesn't prefer it but it has happened. The second woman said that has never happened with her. The third woman said the same thing and said she has no plans to ever do it. Howard then asked the girls what they would do if Artie was in trouble with the police and asked to hide out in their apartments. The three women all said that they would protect him. The third woman said it depended on how long they had been dating though.
Howard asked the girls what they would do if Artie accidentally yelled out Dana's name while having sex with them. The girls said they could deal with it but it shouldn't happen after dating for a year. Howard asked the girls if they had ever made love to a black man. All three said they never have.
One of the girls used to work as an undercover agent doing drug busts according to Gary. Number 3 explained how that all came about because she was in college doing forensic science classes. He wondered if they went to her because she was attractive. She said that was probably the case. She promised Artie that she wasn't a cop and she wasn't there to bust him.
Howard asked the girls if they would blow Artie and swallow his load while watching a game. Bachelorettes number 1 and 3 said no but number 2 said yes. Howard asked the girls if they have dogs. All three said no to that question.
Howard asked number 1 which girl Artie should choose if he doesn't pick her. She said that number 2 would be more aggressive than number 3. She said that number 3 seemed kind of shy and a home body, more like Dana. She said it depends on what Artie is looking for. She would pick number 2. Number 3 said the same thing. Number 2 said she would go with number 3 because she's hot... but so is number 1.
Howard asked Artie if he wanted to jump in with a question. Artie asked number 1 what she would do if she was asked to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. All of the girls said that they didn't have a problem with that. Artie went on to ask the girls what their ideal dates would be.
They all gave him their answers and then Howard asked the girls to name one thing they didn't like about Artie. Number 3 didn't like his pajama wearing. The second girl didn't like his addictive personality and number 1 didn't like his indecisiveness.
Howard asked the girls if they were all totally shaved. One of the girls had a landing strip, the other two were shaved. Howard asked the girls what they think are their hottest physical attributes. Number 1 said it was her ass, 2 was her eyes and 3 was her smile.
Robin asked the girls what they like to do to a man sexually. Number 1 said that she likes getting slammed from behind, number 2 liked blow jobs and 3 likes kissing. Artie thought the getting slammed from behind was an interesting answer. Howard asked her if she's ever been with another woman. She had done a little bit but not all that much. Number 2 said she has kissed a woman but that was about it. Number 3 said she's never tried it.
Howard asked number 3 what kind of wild stuff she's done in her sex life. She said she's not all that wild and didn't have an answer. Artie asked number 1 how many guys she's been with. She said only 2 in the past 12 years. Before that maybe 10 total. Number 2 said six and number 3 said three guys.
Artie asked the girls what they would do if he told them that he wasn't going to a wedding that they were invited to. He'd give the cousin a thousand dollars instead of him going. Number 1 said she wouldn't care, neither would number 2 and 3. Artie knew that they were all lying and they would be upset though.
Howard asked the girls what sexual fantasy they would like to fulfill with Artie. Number 3 said she would just like to hang out with him and see what happens. Number 2 was the same way. Number 1 said that she would be the same way but she would drink a few shots and then see what happens.
Robin asked the girls how long they wait before having sex with a guy. Number 2 and 3 said it's about a month. Number 1 said that it depends, she doesn't have a set time. She said that it all depends on the guy. She also said she dated a guy who was kind of fat and she doesn't mind it on Artie. The other girls had the same type of answer for his weight.
Howard said that all three girls are up on his web site for those who want to check them out. Artie asked a couple more questions about TV watching, what movies they like and stuff like that. The girls all gave their favorite movies but Artie corrected them and said that their answers should have been ''Beer League.''
Howard took a call from a woman who said that this was mean to play this game on Dana's birthday. Howard told her that she was bringing the game down by talking about that. Another caller picked number 2 after hearing what they had to say. Artie asked more questions after that and found out that number 1 sings out in Vegas and has her own CD out. Howard had the CD so he played a track off of that. Robin told Artie he'd have to go to her concerts so he should keep that in mind.
Howard asked the other girls what they do. They're not in show business but number 3 said she wants to make a lot of money someday. Howard took a call from a woman who said that one of the girls didn't like to watch TV so she didn't think Artie would have anything to do with her. Howard took a few more calls from guys who gave Artie some advice on who to pick. One guy thought that number one would be trouble because she was a party girl. Number 1 said that she doesn't do drugs so she didn't know what he was talking about.
The girls said that they would like to have kids some day after Howard asked about that. Artie continued to ask the girls questions and then Ralph called in and told him that he's got a tough decision ahead of him. He was listening very closely and told him not to go with number 3 because she's a narc. Double A called in and told Artie to go with number 3 because she's young. He told her to take her and after a month, just bang her hard.
Howard asked Artie who he was going to pick. Gary was going to let the other two girls show their faces before he saw the girl he picked. Howard asked the girls to say the sexiest things they could think of to make Artie pick them. Number 1 just wanted to hang out with him and see what happens. Number 2 said she wanted to feel Artie's cock inside of her which blew Artie away. Number 3 said ''Lets go get breakfast...''
Howard took some more phone calls to ask the fans who they think Artie should pick. One guy said that Artie should go young and pick number 3. Artie asked the girls if they've ever seen him do his stand-up. Number 1 saw him out in Vegas one time and he was really out of it that night. Artie remembered that and that there was a guy with a gun in the audience. Artie said he's most honest in his stand-up so he wanted to know what she thought. Number 2 said she saw him up in Hartford one time. Number 3 hasn't seen it but she brought Artie a gift of a t-shirt with a steaming pile of shit with Crazy Alice's name on it.
Artie asked the girls where they all live and then made his decision. He gave his reasoning for not picking each girl. He kind of had a problem with number 1 playing her song on the air but Howard told him that she didn't request that. Artie said that number 3 just sounded adorable. He was going to be very shallow there and even though they all sounded sweet, one of the girls said that number 3 was hot and that came across very well to him. He had to pick number 3.
Gary brought out number one, Ruchelle, so Artie could see who he turned down. She was kind of disappointed that she didn't win. Artie got a hug from her and told her that doesn't mean that they don't have to see each other ever. He said she was sexy as hell and looked like Markie Post when she was hot. Number 2 was Jenny and Howard had her come out to say hi to Artie. Artie said she was a doll as well. Artie said he was going to refund her for the comedy show she saw him at.
Howard moved on to the winner, Stephanie, and said that she is only 23 years old and from St. Louis. Artie said that's a great town. She came out and met Artie and he gave her a ''Wow!'' She gave him the t-shirt she had made up for him. Artie said that there are a lot of hot chicks out in the Mid-West. Howard told Artie that he looked good with Stephanie and they didn't look like an odd couple or anything.
Stephanie is 5'4'' tall and weighs only 105 pounds. Artie said she's got a bit of a Dana look about her. Gary said that she also looks a lot like his sister according to some of the guys. Howard told her she has a great smile. Artie found it hard to believe that these girls were into him. He said he felt like he was being Punk'd or something. Howard asked the girls if they would take lie detector tests. They said they would.
Artie said that Stephanie is definitely his type. She said she hasn't gotten laid in over 6 months. She's 1/2 Mexican and half Irish. Artie said that's a great mix and it might be party time with that chick. Artie was very pleased with his pick. Robin thinks that he should go out with her and see how things go.
Howard went into his Dana impression on the megaphone and goofed on him a little bit about this dating game. He kept it short though. Howard said he had another call from her a short time later and said it was nice that he had found a younger version of her. He then went into his Grandma Caprio impression so Artie wanted the megaphone to goof on him but Howard refused to hand it over.
Double A called in and asked if he had pointed him in the right direction. Artie said it wasn't about the young thing, it was more about what the other girl said about her and other things. Stephanie is in town until Sunday so Artie will probably be going out with her on Friday night. He has a gig up in Boston on Saturday. Mike Gange said he'll be on their date with them with camera in hand and taping them.
Artie said that a date with him is him hanging out with his buddies playing poker and watching TV... Then she comes in and bangs him at the end of the night. Artie was very confused at this point because he's still trying to work things out with Dana and now he has to go out on this date. Howard asked Artie where he's going to take this girl. Artie said he didn't know yet, maybe he'd take her to Nobu. Stephanie said she would also like to try the Spotted Pig. Artie asked her if she had been to a Burger King nearby.
King of All Blacks called in and said that he doesn't think Artie really likes this girl. Howard said he's too boring sometimes and hung up on him. Artie didn't know the girl yet so it was hard for him to be into her that quickly.
Howard was doing more of his Dana impressions so Artie threw in a Beth impression and goofed on him a little bit. Howard wrapped up a short time later and thanked the girls for coming in and then went to break.
Greg wrote some jokes for Artie and said that he's just trying to help him out to make it the best show they can. He heard that some people thought he thought that Artie was a hack but he doesn't think that way at all. He said that a hack is someone who tries to give the audience what he thinks they want. Artie is a comedian who talks about his life and jokes about that kind of stuff.
Artie said they have 4 guys in the show tonight but Howard wondered if that's too many. Artie doesn't think that's a problem and Greg is just happy to be in the show. He said he's heard that the fans go a little insane at Artie's shows but he's hoping they'll be different at Carnegie Hall.
Artie said he's got Jim Florentine and Joe Matarese on the show as well. He said they're all headliners in their own right and that's the way they're being billed.
Gary said that the one chick who is the hottest actually killed someone while drunk driving. She spent 2 years in prison for that. Gary said it looks like she lives in a nice house and she's a sweet, suburban chick. Another girl was arrested for DWI and only spent 2 weeks in jail. She claims to be 39 but he thinks she might have shaved some years off. Howard told him to scratch her.
Gary read another bio about one of their contestants who has stripped in the past and has a good body. She had a jail story as well. Another woman had a car full of speed and she fell asleep and the cops found her. She went to prison for 2 years after getting involved in a car chase.
Gary told Howard they have another really hot chick but she doesn't have much of a rap sheet. Robin said they have to judge them all on their looks and rap sheets. Gary gave Howard another girl and said she spent 14 months in jail for coke possession when she was a teen. He said she's cute so Howard told him to make sure she's in.
Another girl was arrested for breaking an entering twice in one day. Gary wasn't sure if she was hot but Jason told him she was. Gary had four women that were going to be invited in for the contest.
Ralph called in and told Howard he wants Gary's nickname to be changed from Baba Booey to ''Mac-Hine.'' He thinks that Gary is dumber for saying that new word than he was for the Baba Booey thing. Ralph suggested that Fred add the spelling to that clip but Fred didn't think it was going to work.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they can't have that chick who killed someone while drunk driving on the show. Gary said she served her time though and she's not proud of what she did. The guys spent a couple of minutes arguing about all of that and it didn't sound like anyone was changing who they were going to have in the contest. Howard thought the guy had a good argument but they were still going to have the chick on the show.
Howard gave Greg a few plugs and said that he's going to be doing his own show there at SIRIUS on November 27th. You can find out more about his CD and upcoming appearances at GregFitzsimmons.com
Howard played the prank call he told Mike about before getting to the Gossip Game. In the call Sal and Richard had Mike asking a bakery for a lot of bizarre things like a penis covered in Godiva chocolate liquor and some other very strange things. The bakery employee hung up on Mike a couple of times before they stopped calling. Mike liked the call but said he really likes the ''Howard'' call they made where they had a guy laughing his ass off at the clips they were playing. Mike was amazed at how intricate the calls were with all of the audio clips. Howard gave Richard the credit for cutting up the clips and putting that together.
Howard found the prank call that Mike likes and played that for him. The guys took clips of Mike laughing and had the guy on the phone laughing at his laughs even though he had no idea who he was talking to. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how funny that call was.
Howard had Mike move on to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his show preview. Jon mentioned Artie's Dial-a-Date game and how that all came together. Jon said they'll be talking to Artie and Greg about the Carnegie Hall show during the Wrap Up Show. Jon said they'll talk about Ronnie the Limo Driver's loud car as well.
Mutt from the Superfan Roundtable called in with a preview of that show. Mutt said they have a special show for the anniversary celebration. They'll go over the first year of shows and the original panel of guests that were on the first day. Howard let Mutt go and had Robin start her news.
Greg asked Howard if he saw what Benjy was wearing today because he looks like some guy sitting in his basement on his computer. Howard told Greg that Benjy has worn stranger things when he's been looking for more attention. He once dressed up in African garb and tried talking to them in clicks. He had Benjy demonstrate and said that Benjy was actually doing that off the air and doing it right to his face like he was serious.
Robin barely started her news before Howard asked Greg about his almost-gay experience. Greg said he wanted to try blowing a guy but he chickened out and ended up knocking the guy over and walked out before he did anything gay. He realized that he was not gay at that point. He asked Howard if he has ever thought about doing something like that. Howard said he's never thought about it and he's never been comfortable with even thinking about it. He said he's always been obsessed with women.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about guys hanging out with other guys and weather that's kind of gay. Artie said that his family thought he was kind of a fag for getting into show business. He said when he went to jail it was even worse because he grew up with such close minded guys in his family.
Greg said that he would like to sleep with an Asian woman sometime. He's really into them but he also said that a lot of guys are doing that these days and you never hear of a white woman who has slept with an Asian guy so they must not be getting any strange poon.
Greg told the guys about how he had sex with his wife on the couch the night he left and he had a great time. He said he wouldn't want to blow that marriage by cheating on her and that's why he doesn't cheat. Howard said that made him sound gay right there. Greg jokingly said ''Did I tell ya that I was fucking her in the ass?''
Robin finally got to start her news after that. During her reports the guys got kind of sidetracked and ended up talking about how Howard is thinking about writing one last book. Artie asked him what kind of chance there is in that happening in the next 10 years. Howard said there's about a 90 percent chance that he will write that book.
Howard and Fred had some fun with the Gilbert Gottfried laugh clips they've been playing lately. Howard said that Paul McCartney should go into court and just laugh with that crazy laugh like Gilbert does. Howard pretended to be the judge in his court case and had Fred playing clips of Gilbert laughing as Paul.
Howard told Greg that Gilbert Gottfried always skips out on throwing money into the bill. Greg said he had first had an experience with that when Gilbert ran out of the restaurant after dinner. Howard said he usually hides in the bathroom until the bill comes and then he comes out and doesn't bother asking if he should contribute.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard said they had a busy show coming up today. They had a guy who says he can service himself coming in as well as Suzanne Somers, Captain Janks, Crackhead Bob and others. He also mentioned the show made the news after they had Amy Heckerling in the studio the day before. He read some of the article quickly and then took a commercial break.
Howard had this woman on the phone by the name of Jeanine. He said he got a letter from her the other day and she wanted to talk about the invasion of her privacy. He was trying to talk about that but the phone system sounded awful so he had to complain about that.
Howard said that Jeanine thinks that someone has been invading her privacy and she believes that she can tell, through her telepathic powers, that Steven Spielberg, Kate Capshaw, Bill Gates, Paul Allen, Harry Anderson, Richard Starkey (Ringo Starr), George Lucas, Natalie Merchant, Amy Grant and others are people who are invading her privacy.
Jeanine told Howard that she gets these thoughts in her mind about these people and she's been having them since 1989 or so. She's not sure why they are bothering her. She told Howard about these thoughts she gets in her head and how she interprets them as people invading her privacy.
Howard said he believes that all of those people are actually working together investigating her for a movie project. He asked Jeanine if that's what she thinks is going on. Jeanine said she doesn't think that's the case. She also said that she has not been treated for this problem.
Jeanine said she isn't able to work because of these problems she has. She has this reputation because of these people and that keeps her from getting a job. Fred played the cuckoo clock sound at one point while they were talking to this woman.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought Howard was leading this woman on and making fun of her instead of helping her. Robin asked Jeanine if she has anyone to take care of her. She said she sort of has people who help her out. Her family tries to help her out with money.
Howard took another call from a woman, Terry, who wouldn't believe that she was actually on the air when Howard told her she was. She had to turn her radio off to understand that she was actually on the air because of the delay they had. She then asked Howard ''what's up'' which drove him nuts. The woman told Howard that having the woman on the air is not a joke and he shouldn't be treating her this way. She said that she's had similar problems but she has learned to live with it. She then told Jeanine that she has a mental illness and this is not happening to her and she knows because she's been in the same situation. She cursed at one point so Howard had to ask her not to use profanity on the air.
Howard asked Terry who was contacting her. She didn't give any names so Howard said that he's pretty sure no men were contacting her with the voice she has. Howard tried to get it out of her but she wouldn't say who it was that was contacting her. He threatened to hang up on her after she used the S-word again. Terry said that she thinks that Princess Diana is not dead and she's actually hiding out so she can come out after she wins Star Search.
Howard told Terry that he heard from Princess Diana and she is going to come out when she wins Star Search. Terry said she knows he's not telling the truth and knows that it was all mental. Howard was going to hang up on Terry but she didn't want him to. She asked Howard to tell Sage ''hi'' for her. She was trying to say that for an old boyfriend of hers. Howard said that the stock market was easier to figure out than these two.
Howard told Jeanine that he'd look into this for her and let her go a short time later. He went to break right after that.
Howard said he got a copy of this new magazine Perfect 10 and it almost ruined his day. He said all of the girls are all natural and they can't have implants or anything like that. He said they're all hot and out of the 15 girls, 5 of them said that their favorite comedian is Howard Stern. Gary couldn't believe that he read through all of their profiles.
Howard said that this one chick, Jocelyn, was so hot and showed the guys her ass. He rattled off her profile because he had it memorized. He knew her favorite actor and all of that stuff. He figured he could get the girl after reading the profile. Then he came across Carolena who also said she likes Howard Stern. He figured two women who liked him in the same magazine was pretty cool. Then he came across Angelie who also said she likes Howard Stern. And then Lexie's profile revealed that she likes Howard Stern as well.
Howard said he was going nuts after reading all of that. Robin didn't believe that any of the girls actually even knew him. Howard told Gary to book all of the girls so they could question them about the profiles.
Howard said the magazine has a waiter poll where they ask waiters in different restaurants where they ask about different celebrities and how they tip. Steve Martin got bad mouthed by some of the waiters. Arnold Scwarzenegger got some nice feedback. Faye Dunaway was also liked by the waiters. He read through a bunch of other celebrities that were listed in that article. Rodney Dangerfield got some negative feedback while Tom Hanks was positive. Sylvester Stallone was negative.
Howard said that Rick Dees was listed in there and they said that he's one of the nicest guys in show business according to the article. Howard's name was also in there and he says he goes out of his way to leave great tips to make sure he doesn't go through this kind of stuff. He said he once left a $30 tip on a $15 bill at a Chinese food restaurant. Gary said he knows that Howard leaves good tips and he's never complained at a restaurant. Howard read the article where someone claimed that Howard has bodyguards with him when he goes out to eat. Howard said that never happens.
Howard explained how he's taken security guys out to dinner with him but they weren't working as bodyguards. He said they're usually just guys who work for the people he's working for. He wrapped up the discussion about the magazine and said that was the plug they were looking for. He couldn't get over the fact that all of those women had listed him in their profiles. He would also like to meet the waiter who bad mouthed him in that article he was just reading. He said he wants the five women who like him and the waiter from that article to be brought in at the same time.
Howard spent a short time talking about how he was watching Jay Leno's show the night before and how funny this one comedian was on the show. He said he'd like to hear that act again. Letterman had Mariah Carrey on his show but she only performed a song instead of doing an interview with him.
Howard was also watching Conan O'Brien's show which was kind of lame. He also talked about Tom Snyder's show and how awful that is. He talked about how disturbing that guy looks and how awful his show is. He said he's a scary guy and he's not sure how anyone can watch that show.
Kreskin told Howard he wants to do something on the show where people bring in their own card tables. He wants 28-32 people to do this thing but Howard told him he doesn't have enough room in the studio to do that. Howard asked Kreskin if he could smash the tables over his head if the bit sucks. Kreskin just laughed.
Howard asked Kreskin if this was going to be interesting audio because it is a radio show. Kreskin said it will be interesting. He said that one of the people they have in the room will feel that they have been taken over by Sam Kinison and they will be able to ask him questions. Howard said he thinks this is going to be worse than Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone's vault.
Howard said he can't wait to see Sam Kinison in the room when Kreskin comes in. Kreskin said they will have a true channelling in the studio. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Gary bring in Suzanne Somers so he could interview her. He checked her out and said her husband looks like hell but she looks great. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her husband and talked about this Buttmaster thing that Suzanne was selling. He told Suzanne they have a woman there who was willing to demonstrate the Buttmaster for them if they wanted to see that.
Howard asked Suzanne if she wanted to see the Buttmaster thing and also this guy who claims he can fellate himself. Howard had the woman come in to demonstrate the Buttmaster. He had her sit down and give it a try to see what exactly it does. As she was doing it the woman let out some queefs. Howard then said that this was Debbie the Queefer who makes sounds with her private parts. Howard told Suzanne that they weren't farts but queefs which were coming from her private parts. Alan said that was the Queefmaster.
Howard asked Debbie how she does that. Debbie said she's able to suck the air in by contracting her stomach muscles. She demonstrated it a little more for everyone. She even stood on her head and did some more queefing while standing on her head. She sucked in some air and blasted it out again. She blasted out a couple more before Howard let her go. Suzanne handed over one of her books for Debbie as she was leaving.
Howard got back to Suzanne and talked about her book sales and how they're doing (Suzanne Somers' Eat Great, Lose Weight). He also brought up her bed wetting and family life that he'd read about in her book. She talked about how she was able to stop herself from wetting the bed.
Howard told Suzanne he doesn't know how she can do an interview with Tom Snyder because he's such a bad interviewer. She told him about how she once wrote him a letter saying ''fuck you'' after he had said something nasty about her... So Howard had to hit the delay on her. Suzanne refused to do his show for a long time after he made that comment about her but she eventually went on and had a good time.
Howard told Suzanne he had to bring this guy in to fellate himself because he was running out of time. He told Suzanne about how the guy got booked for the show and how he claimed that he could fellate himself. Alan said if he could do that he would never get out of bed. The guy came in dressed in a disguise so no one would recognize him. He also came in with a Playboy magazine to help himself get aroused.
Howard asked the guy some questions about how he found out he could do this. The guy said he was about 12 when he figured it out. Howard said that his music isn't all that great but that's the whole reason he was there to do this. He wanted his CD to be played, that's it. Howard asked the guy if he has ever done a full completion of the act. Howard said he might be gay if he does that and did his cough ''haggot'' thing to the guy.
Howard spoke to this guy's band mate Marco who gave the guy's name as Leon. They spent a couple of minutes talking but Howard had to take a break before they could get to this guy fellating himself.
Gary said this guy was in Tommy Lee territory with the size of his penis. Suzanne said she didn't want any part of this whole thing. She told the guy to think of her as Chrissy Snow from Three's Company instead of Suzanne Somers.
Howard told Leon that if he could do this thing he could get a record deal. The guy couldn't get himself hard but he went right ahead with the whole thing and started to suck on his own member. Robin took a look and got a laugh out of it. Gary said the guy has to be a fag if he likes doing that.
Howard let the guy from the record company, Matt, listen to this guy's band Quartermint and the guy told him the name of the band was horrible. Howard said he had heard it already and it wasn't all that great. He played one song and said he knew it was going to be bad. Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Suzanne also sang a little bit herself. Howard let the song play through but talked over it and goofed on the guy a little bit. Leon gave out a web site but it was gone as of this writing (11/10/06).
Matt told Howard to have Gary get a hold of him and he'd talk to this guy about a record deal. He also got in a plug for the band Stereophonic which was a band he thought was going to be big.
Howard talked to Suzanne about the jewelry she's been selling and all of the other stuff she's been selling. Suzanne told Howard about all of that stuff for a short time. Howard gave her a plug for her book and looked through it to see the cute pictures of her.
Suzanne told Howard about how she got pregnant by a guy even though they didn't have intercourse. She believes that it happened through her panties after she fooled around with the guy. Howard also asked about having sex with Suzanne and Alan didn't seem to have much of a problem with that. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Suzanne before going to commercial break.
Howard played a news report from up in Canada where they reported on his ratings up in Montreal. They were already looking to get him kicked off the air.
Howard had to fart so he had Jackie pull his finger. He said he's been eating a lot of peanut butter lately and that's why he was farting. He also got in some plugs for Reebok since their clothes had been fitting him perfectly and he really liked likes them.
Nick also told Howard about how he had some problems with this guy Bud Friedman. He said Bob Schimmel was involved in the court case he was involved with. There were four comedians total in that case. Howard actually guessed that Schimmel was part of that because he just figured he was the type of guy who would get into something like that.
Nick told Howard how his buddy called him to let him know that he was talking about him this morning. He really appreciated what he was saying about him. He told Howard another story about how he had a glass thrown at him at a club he was at one time because of a joke he told. Howard thanked him for calling in and let him go a short time later. Jackie said he knows Nick but not all that well.
Howard had a kid on the phone who claimed that his father had dated Robin at some point. The kid told her his father's name and where he claimed to have dated her but she denied ever having dated a guy by that name. She said she was never a nurse in New Jersey like the kid's father claimed. Howard and Robin told the kid his father must have been lying to him. He let him go a short time later.
Howard talked to the guys about getting some homeless guys for the Kreskin thing they had coming up late in the week. Stuttering John said that they had to pay the guys like $20 to get them to come in. John said he goes down to the unemployment office to pick up the homeless guys they use on the show. Howard thought that was actually a good idea.
Howard mentioned that Alice (Crazy Alice), the woman who hates all black people, would be on the E! show. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Captain Janks, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and Crackhead Bob come in next. He asked Fred to play the speech that Kenneth made for him one time that was pretty funny. Howard noticed a good looking girl who came in the studio and he was told that it was Bob's fiancee. He said she was way too hot for Crackhead Bob. He told Bob that she was beautiful.
Crackhead Bob said that he wanted Howard to marry them. The girl's name was Nina but Bob could only say it as ''Dina.'' Nina said she loves Bob and she has not cheated on him. Howard had her stand up and said it looked like she lost weight. She said she's teaching dance and that helped her do that. Janks said that she's a good looking woman.
Howard heard that Nina was cheating on Bob but if she swears she isn't then he'll have to take her word. The guy who claimed she was cheating had hung up the phone. Howard said that Bob was getting fat. He asked him if he was having lots of sex. He said he was but Howard heard that he was having trouble getting it up. Nina said it's not a problem now, they're getting it on just fine. Bob said that they're doing it once every couple of weeks.
Nina told Howard that she's on birth control that keeps her from getting her period and getting pregnant. She said she doesn't get a period because of the shots she gets. She said that it reduces her sex drive though so it's not that great when it comes to that.
Bob told Howard about how he has sex with Nina and mumbled some stuff to him. Howard had them kiss and after they did that he figured they were for real. He asked Nina if he's a good kisser or not. Nina said that he's good and told Howard to give it a try himself.
Nina told Howard she dances for Bob so Howard asked her to demonstrate for them. She said she used to dance for the show ''the Grind'' so Howard thought it was kind of funny that she danced there but now dates Crackhead Bob. She danced and Bob had some moves of his own as she was dancing. Howard told them to sit down after that.
Kenneth said that Nina could stand to lose about 20 pounds. She told Ken that he could gain 20. That seemed to confuse him. Kenneth told Howard about some post cards he had made up with his face on them. Howard talked about the time that Kenneth seconded his nomination for Governor of New York. He played the audio from that day and got a few laughs out of that.
Howard also had some tape of Captain Janks and Kenneth Keith having a sleep over. He said that Ken taped himself slapping Janks in the face with dildos and stuff. Janks didn't know about that until Howard told him about it. He told Ken he'd better not fall asleep near him anytime soon.
Howard asked Bob if he and Nina are going to get married anytime soon. They didn't have any plans so Howard wondered what was up with that. Nina said she doesn't want anything huge, just a little something nice. Howard asked Bob if he's afraid he's going to lose her if he doesn't marry her. Bob said he's not afraid of losing her at all. Janks said they really do seem to love each other when he hangs out with them off the air.
Howard told Bob he thinks he had problems getting it up for Nina because of his crack use. She said it could have been her and maybe it wasn't Bob's problem. Howard seemed to think it was Bob's problem though. Howard asked him if he's ever done anal on her. Bob isn't interested in that. Nina also said that Bob doesn't like to give her oral but Bob said he does that all the time. He misunderstood and didn't know what they meant.
Nina said that Bob sucks her toes so Howard said he wanted to see that. He told Bob to go ahead and do that. He put her whole foot in her mouth a short time later. Nina said that women should look into a person's heart and not just take them for what they think they are. That's why she's with Bob.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to school with Nina and she was the hottest chick in school. He also said he heard that she was a psycho when she was going out with one guy who was in college when she was in high school. Howard said she didn't seem to be acting like a psycho today. The guy said she must be if she's going out with Bob.
Howard noticed the ring that Nina had on her finger from Bob and it looked pretty nice. She was really engaged to him and Howard said he'd love to have seen her family's reaction to Bob being engaged to her. Howard asked Captain Janks and Kenneth Keith about the girls they've had and spent a minute on that.
Howard asked if Bob's kids had met Nina yet. Bob said they had met her but he's not even able to visit them himself. He said he thinks that because he's on the show, his kids have a problem with him. Robin figured they were getting a little bit of ribbing from their classmates over him appearing on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Captain Janks has been doing forgeries of Howard's autograph for books he was giving away. Janks asked him what club he had gone to where he won the book he was talking about but the guy couldn't remember. Janks figured he was full of crap and wasn't telling the truth. Howard wrapped up with them and went to break a short time later.