|Friday||This Week On E!|
Howard started off the show talking about how nice he thinks the summer has been this year. After that he was talking about reading an article in the paper about how high his ratings were in the New York City area. They were number one again but they were saying that Imus was number 8 and some other people were pretty high up there. He then figured out why that was. He said that John Mainelli listed the other people after taking out all of the other stations that beat them. So Imus was about number 20 something in the ratings, not number 8. It was a list of just talk shows. Howard is number one overall, not just the number one talk show. Howard also said that Mainelli said that he's down by about 100,000 listeners but Howard thinks that isn't all that important. He said that John Mainelli will do whatever he can to make it seem like what he's done is no big deal. He doesn't know what's up Mainelli's ass. He said the guy will suckle the teet of a bunch of other radio guys who don't get any ratings but not him. Artie said that the way Howard is treated is very unique because no one respects what he's done. He's got a very successful radio show and it seems like most of the media hates him. Howard said even Beth was surprised when she read that this guy Rocco Despirito was number 16 in the ratings. That's when Howard sat down and really looked at the list in the article. He then realized that they left out all of the other stations. Artie said he's been paying attention to that stuff over the past few years and sees how the lite-FM stations are ratings monsters. He said he's also been listening to some of that stuff because they play stuff like Bruce Springsteen on there.
Howard said that maybe when he leaves radio he'll become a reporter and tell what's really going on in the ratings. Howard said he thinks the two radio reporters in New York would probably prefer that he be dead. Artie said he thinks that they hate Howard because he's so brutally honest. Howard figures now he'll have about 50 negative articles written by David Hinckley and John Mainelli. He's not sure why he even cares about his ratings when stuff like that goes on. Artie told Howard that he should really take a few months off before he starts his job over at the new place because they'll be happy to get him whenever it happens. Howard told him that he's got a lot of people he has to get paid over there and that won't happen until they actually start working there. He's got a ton of people he worries about starting with Robin and Artie. There are also people like Gary who need to be working to make money. He said he doesn't worry about Fred though, he can survive on his own.
Howard said the closest he's come to using his brain is using up all of his vacation before September. He said he heard the rumors that he was going to be taken off in September but he found out that wasn't true. He was thinking about taking off that 3 months from September to December and just enjoying a nice, long vacation in Italy or something. He thought about that a little longer and figured that would never happen. He did hear from the guys at SIRIUS and they wanted him to start the next day if Infinity let him go in September. He didn't want to do that but he thought about all of the E! guys and everyone else and figured he'd have to start pretty quick.
Howard didn't understand Riley's cancellation of his show but he wasn't around all that long after it was canceled. Howard claims that he takes all of that stuff really seriously and that's why he could never take a 3 month vacation away from it all.
Bobo called in and said it was great hanging out with Gary yesterday. Gary said that he hung out with Bobo and met the future Mrs. Bobo. They were talking about Bobo's toupee and asked him how he washes that thing. Bobo said that he actually keeps it on his head when he takes a shower. The toupee is bonded to his head and he has to have it serviced about once a month. He said she had a feeling that his hair was fake but he had her fooled for quite a while. Gary wondered how he told her. He said he took her out to dinner and broke the news to her there. Gary told a story about Bobo's fiancee and how they've been engaged for a couple of years and have passed over a couple of wedding dates and never got married. Bobo said he's had some things going on in his life that don't allow him to get it done. He said that he had a couple of kids living in the house who wouldn't move out. Bobo makes some good money running a defensive driving school. He owns a house on the water in Lyndhurst. Bobo said all of his kids have moved out of the house now so he and his fiancee can set another wedding date.
Bobo mentioned that Beth's FHM layout was great this month. He liked picture number 5. They spent a minute on that and then Howard told a story about how Beth made him the Engagement Chicken one time. It was in the paper once again and she can't get away from it since it happened. Howard let Bobo go after that and then went to break.
Howard continued to play the rest of the Top 5 songs and mentioned that Gwen Stefani's husband, Gavin Rossdale, will be coming in soon to promote his new solo album. One of the top five songs was a Mariah Carey song so Artie talked about what a pain in the ass she was on the set of ''The Bachelor'' movie he worked on. He said that she refused to do a scene until they could get her personal nail person to come in and do her nails for a scene. He claims that she put them back by two days on their shoot because of that. Robin told Howard that she heard from someone that he's very hard to work with. Howard asked her what she heard because he likes that he's getting a reputation. It turns out it was Mel Karmazin who told her that Howard is tough to work with and he was referring to making deals to keep him on the air. Robin thinks that Howard is like Mariah Carey in that way but he doesn't think that's the case. Howard said the only thing he asked for when he was on the set of his movie was a gym to work out in. Artie said that he requested some Hawaiian Punch when he was shooting a movie. Howard told another story about working on his movie and how one of the writers told him he needed a ping pong table. Howard said he hates ping pong because it just frustrates him. The writer, Len Blum, would come in and ask him to play all the time and he could never get rid of him.
Artie said that while they're shooting this movie ''Beer League'' he gets to play softball between scenes so that keeps him feeling like a young kid. Artie went on to talk about what they're going through to cover up his bald spot for this movie he's shooting. He said it's not fully covered but they are spraying the spot with some stuff for about seven straight minutes. He said they apparently take Asian people's hair and sprinkle it on the bald spot. That's what he's heard they do anyway. He was telling Howard how this woman's fingernails are all black when she gets done spraying his head with this stuff.
Howard was going to go to break but Artie said he had a story about Gilbert Gottfried he wanted to tell. Howard thought he knew what he was going to talk about but when he told Artie, he was wrong. Artie was going to hold onto the story until after the break.
Howard said they're going to have their ''Biggest Fan - Hottest Chick'' contest this week. He said they have some really hot chicks for the contest. Artie said that he went out to dinner on Saturday night and overheard a hot chick whispering to her friend ''That's Crazy Cabbie!'' Howard said he has to be on the show for about 20 years before he's actually recognized. Robin is still called ''Robin Givens'' by some. He said even he was out on the street the other day and a woman started pointing him out to a friend of hers but she couldn't come up with his name.
Howard mentioned that the remake of The Bad News Bears didn't do too well at the box office this weekend. Artie said that the original one was great and it's tough to beat that. Howard said they should have cast him in the movie but no one will pay him what he demands to be paid... $58 billion dollars. Artie told a story about how one of his friends asked Larry David to write them a pilot and when they heard back, Larry David's agent told them that Larry would do it for $500 million.
Robin told Howard that ''The Island'' didn't do too well at the box office either and she thought it was really good. Howard said that Rob Zombie's movie made about $7 million over the weekend and that's probably a smash hit for him. Artie said if his movie ''Beer League'' makes that much money, it'll be like his ''Titanic.''
Howard said that Sal called Gary at 1:30 in the morning and left a message for him where the girls were telling Gary that they wanted to lick his teeth and suck his monkey ****. The call was bleeped like crazy because of all of the cursing going on. Sal was telling the guys how the black chicks were giggling when he was calling them his bitches. He said he can't do anything with these girls so he just goofs on them. He was telling everyone he ran into that they were his ''black bitches'' and eventually Richard's girl jumped up and told the girls not to let him do that to them anymore. The girls left right after that. Sal said the girls weren't all that hot anyway. He said they were actually pretty nasty and it was all a goof for him. Richard said that he got the phone number from the woman he was hanging out with.
Sal told Howard that Richard got really drunk on Friday night and told him that he wishes that he were gay because it would be so much easier than being straight. Howard said he thinks that Richard might be gay if that's the way he's thinking. Sal said that all came out of nowhere that night. They had been walking around for 10 minutes in silence so Sal knew there was something brewing in Richard's head.
Sal talked about how he beat off in the bathroom after Richard had done it himself. Sal also said that after he went in there he came out and patted Bob Levy on the back. He said he never washes his hands after doing that. Sal said Levy is mad at them anyway because they were drinking and talking during his set and they ruined it.
Artie told a story about going on a flight one time and how this guy borrowed his newspaper and brought it into the bathroom with him. He wanted to give it back to him but Artie told him to keep it. Sal said that he feels bad for Levy because he threw up in the airport. He thinks that he got some bad food that morning or something. Sal also said that they introduced Levy as Yucko the Clown. Bob had to yell out and say that he just writes for Yucko's show (Stankervision). Richard said that they also said that he won the ''World's Meanest Customer'' contest instead of the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest. Artie said that he would drive Bob to and from shows because Bob would drink so much. He told some more stories about Levy going out to Chicago to do a show and how Levy bought a shirt at a Target store because he didn't have a clean shirt. Then they went and did the show and Levy put the shirt on and didn't take the price tag off. He said he threw up laughing because Levy had 3 sold out shows and he was wearing a bad polyester shirt with the tag still on it that cost him about $5.60. Howard wondered if he ruined the shirt with blue cheese dressing on it. Artie said that it's kind of tough when you get up there and have to step over Yucko the Clown's sex toys and Bob's blue cheese dressing after they do their thing. Richard said that Sal got mad at him on Saturday night because he told him that he looks Middle Eastern and he told a waitress to get his friend Mohammad a drink. The waitress actually called him by that name.
Howard brought up how there are pictures out that show the London terrorists going out on a white water rafting trip and having a good time hanging out before they blew themselves up. He doesn't understand that. Gary came in and told Howard that he and Sal are supposed to be going to Amsterdam in a few weeks and Sal asked him if they were going to go to the red light district when their wives fall asleep. Sal told Gary not to mention that because there were millions of people listening. Howard told Sal that he really can't be thinking about something like that. Sal said when he goes on vacation with his wife they never really have sex. They had sex last night and about a week ago but those two times were kind of surprising. Sal said that his wife has to justify having sex with him as a way to burn calories these days. He said that she tells him that he doesn't talk to her anymore so he has to tell her that she really shouldn't hear what he has to say because if he does, he's going to express his feelings which aren't going to be what she wants to hear. Sal said he loves his wife, she's beautiful and she's a great mother. He said that he doesn't want to have small talk because he's going to have to talk to her for the rest of his life whether he wants to or not. He said he doesn't want to get a divorce but he's not sure if that'll happen or not.
Gary told a story about Sal going to a New Year's Eve story one time and he ended up pulling the plug on the TV a few seconds before the count down was over. His wife got mad at him and didn't talk to him for quite a while after that. Sal said that he hates going to those parties and talking to people about nonsense. He figured that was his chance to shine so he pulled the plug on the TV. Richard told another story about Sal bringing a bunch of porn DVDs when they went to their gig this weekend. Sal said that one of them actually rolled out of his bag and onto he floor at the airport. Richard was excited about going away as well because he brought his laptop to watch some porn with as well. Sal said he brings 10 or 11 porn DVDs with him when he goes away. He said it's good to know it's there if he needs it. He said he ended up pleasuring himself about 4 times when he was away, then once on the air plane. Then he came home and did it twice more.
A listener called in and told Sal that he agrees with him about this stuff. He's been married 25 years and he hasn't had much action in the pat 6 years or so. Howard said that a guy should be able to get out of a marriage when it gets that bad. The guy said he really does love this woman even if they don't have sex that often. The caller ended up asking Howard for some money but Howard told him to stop it and hung up on him.
Gary said that Howard and Beth still hold hands when they hang out and no married couple ever does that. Howard said there's no such thing as a happy marriage out there. He said that he loves Beth Ostrosky and he doesn't know what Beth Stern would be like and he doesn't want to find out. He said he's better off not being married. Artie said that he really loves his girlfriend Dana and she's a perfect person for him to have as a wife. Howard had to go to break after that.
Another caller asked Howard if he heard about this deejay in Washington DC whose wife had died. Howard said they talked about that on Friday. The caller said the guy is returning to the air on August 1st to do his comedy show and he doesn't know how the guy is going to be funny after something like that happens. Howard said it might be tough for the guy but that's his job. He was also saying that he'd probably be in the next day back to work if it happened to him. Artie said he thinks that Howard would be in the next day even if he died himself. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that SIRIUS just came out with a portable unit that she's already ordered for herself. Howard had to hang up on her because she was so loud.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been trying to get through on the phone for the past 10 years. He just wanted to thank everyone for keeping him entertained for the past 10 years. He said he won't be able to afford satellite radio and was hoping that Howard could help him out... but Howard cut him off and hung up on him. Howard told the guy to give David Lee Roth a chance to entertain him when he takes over for him.
Howard took a call from a guy, Sim, who said that he can't wait for him to move to SIRIUS. The guy said he's been with him ever since he made the announcement. Howard was trying to play some carts he had but the cart machine was screwed up and wouldn't play anything. Scott the Engineer came in and said that he can't do anything to fix it until they take a break. Howard mentioned that Scott the Engineer is going to be coming with them over to SIRIUS and wondered if he told the company that he was leaving. Scott said he won't be telling them until about 2 weeks before he left. Scott said that Tom pretty much knows that he's going. Howard thinks they would have fired him if he had stuck around there at the station. Artie said that Scott is a legendary part of the show and he's glad he's going along with them. Howard said the guy is a really good engineer and he's been happy with his work so he's glad that he'll be there with them. Fred played some audio from the time Scott flipped out and yelled at Mike Gange about having the camera in his face after his push-up challenge. They went to commercial break after that so Scott could try and fix that cart machine.
Howard got back to the Richard Simmons stuff that he was trying to play earlier. He played a prank call the guys made to a Chinese restaurant using audio clips from Richard Simmons' audio book. After that he got Jeff Jarvis on the phone to talk about doing a show with this guy Bernard Goldberg. Jeff told Howard what he's up to these days. He said he's consulting with some newspapers about blogging and stuff like that. Jeff used to be a TV reviewer for TV Guide but now he's blogging. Jeff said there are some successful bloggers out there and he charges about $6000 a month for advertising. He has about 17 million viewers. Howard doesn't think there's that much money in the blogging thing. Jeff told Howard about a couple of other guys who are pretty successful with their blogs. Howard said the only one he reads is Rosie O'Donnell's because she's so angry at everyone.
Jeff told Howard about how he was invited on this show to do an interview with Bernard Goldberg. Jeff said that Goldberg went off on everyone and yelled at the other people who were being interviewed. The guy is selling his book ''100 People Who Are Screwing Up America : (and Al Franken Is #37)'' and all of the interviews he's doing are helping sales. Howard thought the interview was kind of boring but he was going to play it anyway. Howard is on the list of the 100 people who are screwing up the country. Howard is way down at number 62 while Michael Moore is up at number 1. Howard asked Jeff about some of the other people who are on that list of people who are screwing up the country. Jeff read off a bunch of names. Maurey Povich, Al Franken, Jerry Springer, Barbara Walters and a bunch of others are on that list. Howard said he had a tape of Barbara pleasuring a man but it was a porn clip mixed in with Barbara.
Howard let Jeff go so he could play the tape from the Donny Deutsch show. Donny was defending Howard and asking Bernard Goldberg why Howard is on the list. Goldberg said that what Howard does is wrong but he doesn't believe in censorship. Bernard was saying that no one is shocked by what Howard Stern does anymore but then he rattled off a few examples of what he does that could be pretty shocking to some. Donny and Bernard continued their discussion and Bernard was saying that he's not saying that people shouldn't listen to Howard but things have changed in this country. Howard thought the guy was pretty boring and even his book is boring. He doesn't make any point when he's talking about this stuff.
Debbie Schlussel called in and said that she read the Bernard Goldberg book ''100 People Who Are Screwing Up America : (and Al Franken Is #37)'' and that Howard might want to know what Bernard said about him. Howard said he read it and maybe the guy is right that he's bad for the country because he makes fun of retarded people. Debbie said she got something different out of it but the guy didn't make a good point because what Howard does is just entertainment. Howard said that this kind of stuff has been said a thousand times about him and his show is still around. People still listen and that's why he's still here. He doesn't know how to do anything else so he won't be changing his show either.
Howard accidentally hung up on Debbie because he was going to go to break. Another woman called in and told Howard that she thinks he's wrong about this depression stuff and there really is a chemical imbalance. Howard let her get her say but hung up on her so he could go to break.
Howard and Robin spent a few minutes talking about what's going to happen when they leave for satellite at the end of the year. He said that Adam Carolla is supposed to take over for him in a few markets out on the West Coast. He claims that Adam once told him he would take a job anywhere as long as he could get a lot of money out of the deal. That led to Howard talking about some other people who want to take over his time slot.
Stephen Baldwin called in late in the show to talk to Howard about the nutty guys who are thinking about taking over Howard's slot on other radio stations. He said that they must be crazy for bad mouthing Howard while trying to take over. He said it would be like Leno and Letterman badmouthing someone like Johnny Carson. Baldwin said that if Howard wasn't around, those guys probably wouldn't have ever gotten a shot in the business. They spent a few minutes with Stephen and then let him go. Gary and Howard talked about Stephen's born-again Christian attitude. Howard said it gives Stephen something to believe in because he's really like a kid. They ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show talking about an article he was reading about Osama bin Laden. He read that the guy had a plan to get rid of cocaine users in this country by poisoning the drug and then distributing it here. The drug dealers in Columbia figured that was a bad idea and wouldn't sell it to the guy. Artie said that he read that the drug lords were afraid that the U.S. government would eventually retaliate against them and that's another reason they didn't help Osama out. Artie pointed out that the drug is already killing people here so why would they be afraid of them coming after them if more die?
Howard brought up another story about how CBGB's may be closing soon. He wasn't sure exactly why they're closing because he was too lazy to read the whole article. He knows that Little Steven is trying to raise money to keep them open. That led to the guys talking about who goes to the clubs and why. They were saying using ecstasy and how that cuts down on the alcohol drinking at the clubs because people just want to sit around and drink water when they're on that. Artie told a story about going to a club and using ecstasy with this chick at a club in the city one time. He was out dancing and touching this girl while she was touching him and pulling his hair. She went to the bathroom at one point and he later found her making out with another guy at the bar. He figured it wasn't a good time to say anything because the guy looked like he could kick his ass. Artie said the drug made him feel really good and he did it throughout the 90's. He ended up going home that night and tried to pleasure himself to an episode of ''WKRP in Cincinnati.'' He said it wasn't cool to use it though because it makes you have a loser lifestyle.
Howard said someone told him about this web site HandJobs.com. He wasn't saying the word ''job'' because he can't say that on the air. He kept self-censoring himself and Fred was hitting a beep button. Howard said he was checking out the site when Beth came into the room and she was grossed out by the site. Howard said he was kind of into it and thought that he might want it from her. He said he recommends the site because there are free clips on there. Artie said he's getting more computer savvy these days and he might have to check it out. Richard Christy came in and said he was checking out some of that site and there really are some hot chicks on there. He said one chick looks like Nikki Hilton. Howard said he likes that the guys all have beer bellies on that site and it makes him feel better. He was looking at himself in the mirror yesterday and saw that he still has cellulite on his legs even though he works out all the time. Richard said he works out too but he can't get rid of his fat either. Artie thinks that even if he worked out all the time, he'd still end up looking like Vic Tayback from ''Alice.'' Howard figures it's eventually going to catch up to him anyway so he might as well just lay down and accept it. The guys mentioned Paul Newman and Robert Redford as a couple of guys who used to be really good looking guys but now they're a mess. Howard said that once he gets a turkey neck going, he's going to grow a beard to cover it up. Artie said that's what his aunt Delores did. Howard got back to the Osama discussion and said he'll be fine as long as they don't start poisoning Ambien.
Howard asked Robin to give him some more math problems. She asked him if he knew what the tax rate was because they were cutting it down by 4 percent. Howard wasn't sure what the current rate was so she told him it was about 8 3/4 or something like that. Howard knew that it was half of 8 so it was 4 and change. Howard asked Robin if she could come up with the right year for Joe O'Brien's birth. She said it was 1905 but it was actually 1915. Jason had given Howard the right answer over the computer and he thought that Jason was wrong until the guys told him he was right. Robin got it wrong. They goofed around with that for a minute and then got back to Joe O'Brien for a short time. Howard read a few more notes about Joe and how he was replaced by Don Imus. He had to take a break after that.
Artie told Howard that it was a bad week that week because he had lost a bunch of money gambling and then all of that other stuff went down. He went to rehab for a while and then Quincy Jones wanted to bring him back to the show. Artie said that Quincy was a great guy and gave him a second chance... and he blew that as well. Robin said that's even more evidence about how self-destructive ARtie is because he had a second chance and blew that. Robin reminded everyone that they just had an incident with Artie as well. Artie said that he hasn't done cocaine in 8 years now so it's not the coke that's screwing him up. Howard had to take another break after Artie's stories.
Ryan and Ann have 3 kids which are 10, 8 and 3. She said she really is happy with her man. She wasn't sure if she would do another woman for him but she will talk about it with him. Ryan said that they do talk about those things and that's how they keep the relationship good. Howard wondered if Ann would use her pinky on her man. While they were talking about that the delay was hit. Howard ended up talking about how he farted in bed last night and Beth claimed that it woke her up and smelled like he'd gone to the bathroom in the bed. Ann said that she doesn't mind if her husband farts in bed, it doesn't bother her.
Ann told Howard about a fantasy thing that she and her husband did last night. She said she gave the guy this scenario and got the guy off while rubbing him. She figures it's better to do it that way than for him to go out and cheat on her. She said that she'll probably take care of him today before he goes to work as well. Howard said he can't punch any holes in this story unless this chick isn't that good looking. Ann told Howard that if she's able to keep her man happy, then she'll be happy. Howard said that's a great way to look at things. He said she almost sounds like a dude but she has a vagina. Howard said he'd like to meet the two of them so he was going to put them on hold to hook them up. Ryan asked Howard who he thinks will kill themselves first, Gary or Sal. Gary chimed in over his intercom and said that they'll wait to see what this chick looks like first.
Howard said that he and Beth don't argue over anything but they don't have any kids or anything to cause that kind of pressure. He said this woman might be the best woman on the planet if she's got that attitude after having 3 kids. Howard thinks this ''perfect wife'' thing is looking promising.
Howard mentioned that people can bet on anything. He knows one guy who made money betting on how much money movies will make. Gary came in and said that one intern that works there, Nate, bet on the opening of ''The Island'' and lost a few bucks when it didn't make much. The guy said he bet $14 to make $200 but lost that bet so he made another bet where he was going to bet $1000 to make $20. Gary wondered why he didn't just take the $14 loss. Nate said he makes his bets through TradeSports.com. Howard said that GoldenPalace.com takes bets on wacky stuff as well. Gary asked Nate where he gets his money to bet. He said he gets it from his parents but they don't know that. He's been trying to make a few bucks while living there by gambling. Gary told him that if he went to work at The Gap or something, he could have made $3000 from the time he's been there. He wondered why people don't work anymore.
Artie told a story about Norm Macdonald losing some money. He said Norm hadn't smoked in 10 years and one day, he walked into Norm's office and saw him blowing smoke out his open window while shaking. He asked Norm why he was smoking and Norm said ''Ask Mark Brunell.'' Norm had apparently placed a bet on a team and Brunell blew it.
Howard asked Nate about the stories he was hearing about how he had osteoporosis. He has that and claims that he had diabetes for 2 days. He also said that when he was in high school they thought he had anorexia because he was 5'7'' tall and only weighed 75 pounds. Nate said that he was able to gain 50 pounds in 2 months back then so Artie said that he'd bet him that he couldn't gain 10 pounds in a month. He was willing to put up $100 against that. Howard had Nate hop on the scale in the studio to find out his weight. He was at 166.5 pounds. Artie told him that if he wins, he'll give him $500, if he loses, Nate owes him $100. Nate had another story about how some guys ended up stealing his basketball for a good hour one day. Artie told him that if he brings a basketball to West 4th street, it's no longer your ball. Howard said that white people don't play there.
Howard heard another story about how Nate had a picture of a hot chick in his wallet and he claims that she wanted to do him but he didn't want to do her. Nate said that was all taken out of context and he didn't want to talk about it. Artie gave Nate a few pointers for betting on baseball. Howard said that he's been giving advice to a bunch of the young guys there. Will came in and said that he's probably betting 10 to 12 games a day at about $5 a game. He said he doesn't lose every game so it doesn't cost him a lot. Artie tried to tell Will that gambling is a dead end street but Howard told him to shut up about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was doing everything wrong that he possibly could. He was mumbling and not getting to his point and then he cursed three times before Howard had to hang up on him.
Howard said that Larry King's wife has been going around pushing this album she has coming out and Larry is going around doing interviews with her. He said that he got some tape from The Radio Chick show on SIRIUS that he was going to play after the break that had Larry and his wife promoting this album. Howard teased everyone with that and said he'd get to it after the commercials. He took a few phone calls before going to break though. A woman called in and said that she thinks she could be considered a ''perfect wife'' because she had their car up on jacks and was putting some bearings in for her husband. Howard tried to find out how she looked and she told him she's 5'4'' tall and weighs about 120 pounds. Howard thought that she was kind of chubby but she doesn't think she is. The woman bragged about what she can do around the house but no one was impressed by that. She was also kind of loud according to Howard. He told her he'd keep her in mind and put her on hold to get her information.
Howard brought up how there's a picture of Paris Hilton in the paper sitting on the beach talking on a phone. He said she's never not on her phone and it's very odd. He went on to read some other stories in the paper. Robin asked him if he watched the Tour de France on Sunday. Howard said he doesn't like anything to do with France but he is surprised that more people don't die because people are allowed so close to everyone. Robin told Howard about how Lance Armstrong was the winner but he wasn't the first one across the line. Howard said it's not exactly the most exciting sport to watch. Artie said it is pretty boring. The guys spent a few minutes talking about Lance and his girlfriend Sheryl Crow.
Howard read an article about a woman who got in trouble for allegedly injecting her baby with feces. He also read an email from someone who asked why they don't put pictures of their interns up on his web site. Howard said Tom has this weird thing about people wacking it to their interns so they don't put up any pictures of them up there. He's hoping to have a new TV show going by the time the next Intern Beauty Pageant comes around so people can see them then.
Howard got back to the Larry King stuff he was talking about earlier. He said that Larry is about 71 and he's going around everywhere trying to push his wife's album. They ended up on The Radio Chick's radio show on SIRIUS. Howard said they sent some tape from the show over to them so they could hear what Larry is up to. Larry was talking to The Radio Chick about his wife's past and how she was trying to put an album out years ago. Howard wondered if he can believe anything Larry says because he does lie. He continued to play the tape and goofed on Larry about his alligator skin and stuff like that. KC Armstrong was on the phone so he interrupted that tape to get to him.
KC asked Tom if it was true that he has said that stuff to him. Tom said ''maybe'' but he wasn't sure. Tom told KC to go sell his pedophile jokes and to go away. He said he doesn't have to answer to him so KC asked him why he was in the studio. Tom said he brought his name up and he came in to see what he was talking about. KC called Tom a ''scumbag'' and a ''piece of garbage'' but Tom took it pretty well and tried to defend himself. KC said that he's the General Manager and he shouldn't be making comments about the interns there. KC said that he's a gentleman and would never do anything like that. Tom said that KC dated an intern there but KC went off on him about that and said he wasn't dating an intern there. It turns out he may have dated a ''former intern.'' Tom wanted to let KC promote his DVD since that's probably why he called in. KC told Tom to go ahead and promote it for him. Tom wasn't going to do that.
Howard said that Tom has tried to defend KC in the past but he's not giving him a break. KC was bringing up some stories about himself that Tom wasn't even referencing. He was saying that he was accused of sleeping with an intern on the show and it turned out that wasn't true. Tom said that's not the story he was talking about and it was a girl that KC was dating a few years ago. Artie told KC that Tom seems like a really genuine guy to him and he's been helping him out with his problems. KC said Tom helped him out but he doesn't seem genuine to him. Howard had to cut KC off and tell him that Tom came to his rescue on more than one occasion. KC brought up the issues with the intern thing but Howard and Tom said that was about the 4th thing that came up that almost got him fired. Howard thinks that Tom loved KC and loved him like a son but KC doesn't believe that. Tom told KC about his real son who has moved out of his house and has a nice wife and a successful career. KC asked tom if he wanted him to give him a reach around now that he's said that. Robin said that KC could be misinterpreting reality because he does have some issues. He could be making a mistake by thinking that Tom was against him. KC doesn't believe that Tom is genuine and Howard told him that he should stop thinking with that brain of his.
A listener called in and asked KC if he was coked up this morning because that's what it sounded like. KC said he doesn't do that stuff. Another caller asked Howard if he would have gone this far to save KC like Tom did. Howard said it was both he and Tom who went really far to keep KC there. They tried to get him to get his act together but it didn't happen. They gave him a few chances there. Tom said that there were some things that went on that even Howard didn't know about. KC was mad that Tom went to HR and told everyone about what was going on with him at one time. Tom thought he was doing a good deed at the time but KC didn't think it was good and kept calling him a scumbag. A phone caller said that he'd rather have KC back on the show and Tom gone even if KC is wrong. KC wondered where Tom will be in 5 months when Howard leaves. Howard told KC that Tom has enough money to leave the business whenever he wants so the job doesn't matter.
Howard took a couple of phone calls from guys who were goofing on KC. Dominic Barbara called in and said that it might be best if KC keeps all of this stuff bottled up inside. KC told Dominic that on his DVD he says that he's one of the guys that he really loves. There were a few guys who thought that Howard should hang up on KC already. KC said that he's really happy now and he doesn't care about any of that stuff. Howard played another song parody about KC that Richard Christy created years ago. KC said he's doing a gig with Richard this weekend at the Patchogue Theater and he wants Richard to sing those song parodies when they do it.
Howard said it seems that KC still has a lot of anger in him. KC said that's true but he went on to talk about how it seems like everyone had their mind made up about what had gone on with his firing. Howard let KC tell the reasons for his firing without interrupting. KC basically said that he was an alcoholic and went to rehab and wasn't able to stay clean so Tom fired him over the phone. KC then got in a plug for his DVD which is available at DieLaughingDVD.com. Howard wrapped up with him and let him go. KC told Howard how much he loves him and told Tom that he hates him. KC wanted Tom to talk about how he really feels about him. Tom said that he feels bad for KC and hopes that he gets it together. KC said that he's got it together and maybe Tom should go check out some more interns and comment on their asses. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said he feels bad for the guy and hopes that he's okay. Tom said he really does wish KC well even if he does have that much hate for him. He told Howard to take a break but he took a phone call first. The caller wasn't making any sense when he asked Howard about taking money from the band Sugar Ray for producing his song ''Psychedelic Bee.'' Howard told the guy that he wrote that song and he has no choice on getting paid for it. He wrote that song himself when he was a kid and the band put it on their album so he's getting a few cents for each album sold. Howard tried to get in a plug for KC's DVD but he didn't know where to get it. Artie said that you can get it at Artie-Lange.com but he was just joking around. Howard eventually got the plug and gave out his web site DieLaughingDVD.com.
Carnie told Howard that she has kept off a lot of the weight she lost. She said she's still down by 100. She gained 70 pounds during her pregnancy but lost 40 pounds in the first two weeks. She wants to lose another 30 and tack on another 18 that she had gained. Howard couldn't believe she gained that much weight and Carnie didn't like that he was being so insensitive toward her. Carnie seemed to be taking all of it better than most people would though. Howard told Carnie that she shouldn't be out there talking about this stuff so much because it does come across as being ''Waa, Waa'' like. Artie did his ''Waaa , waaa'' a little bit for her. Howard let a phone caller through to yell at Carnie. The woman told Carnie that she's a single mother and she has real issues to get depressed over and this postpartum stuff is nonsense. She was saying that she's able to survive on her $400 a week and she doesn't go around complaining about her depression. Howard took another call from a woman who said she had a daughter and ended up getting depressed because she wasn't pregnant anymore and had this little kid who depended on her for everything. Howard told Carnie that he was done with that because he didn't want to talk about babies anymore. He let her go and said that she's really a nice woman. Artie said the same thing.
Nick was talking about how crazy KC sounded earlier in the show. Howard said that Nick is pretty crazy and ended up punching someone in the crowd at a comedy show one time. Nick said that he didn't start it though. He explained how the guy was giving him the finger while he was on stage, plus, he had a few drinks in him and he was jet lagged. Howard figures it would be a bad idea to give him the finger at Carolines tomorrow night.
Artie said that they have a great line for Nick in the movie they're shooting. Nick said ''Really?'' and that he had read the script and doesn't remember seeing a joke in there. Artie also told a story about how he met Nick for the first time. Nick was doing an audition for a part and Artie was playing a part against him. He said that Nick looked like he wanted to punch him in the throat the whole time. Howard had to take a break after that.
During the news Howard took a call from a woman who was rambling on about how Howard had hung up on her after she told them about how she has cancer of the throat. Howard didn't understand what she was saying but also said she was bumming everyone out so he hung up on her again.
High Pitch Eric called in late in the show to ask Nick a question. He asked him if his hair is real or a toupee. Nick said it was a toupee and Eric believed it. Eric then asked him if he wanted to go out to get ice cream with him and if he could do a comedy show with him. Nick told him to meet him at Governors on Long Island tomorrow and he'll do a show with him. Nick is actually appearing at Caroline's tomorrow night, not at Governors. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later. It was about 10:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about how the guys have been calling the gay channel over at SIRIUS and pissing them off. He played some audio from that channel where Jack and Rod (Sal and Richard) called in as a could of PETA members. They talked about their pets and then asked if they could show their love for the show. After saying that they played some gay porn audio clips to make it sound like they were doing each other. The guys on the station laughed and didn't seem to mind that they were doing that.
Howard said they had the ''Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan'' contest going on today. They also have Bob Saget coming in to visit. Artie said that Bob is a good guy and Howard thought that Artie said that about everyone he knows. Artie said that not everyone is a good guy but he couldn't come up with a name of anyone who wasn't.
Howard said today was another day where he was going to have to stick to the schedule so he was going to take a break 5 minutes into the show. Artie told him that today was a big sports day and talked about this guy Larry Brown who has been picked to coach the Knicks. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about the Knicks and Brown. Artie brought up the basketball game he played out in Las Vegas where he had cheerleaders cheering for him every time he got a basket. He said he sees why guys can turn arrogant after having that kind of life. Robin was saying that they should have had a woman who could actually play basketball playing against him. Howard said she played just fine.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he had seen Gwen Stefani's latest video yet. He hasn't seen it but he went on to talk about how much he'd like to do her. He was having trouble finding the words to describe what he'd like to do to her. He said he has fantasies about doing chicks really hard but he figures the reality is that he'd just them down.
Howard got back to the Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan discussion and said that he likes the fact that there are hot chicks out there who love the show so much. Artie thinks that there are no women above a 5 who will know what Beetlejuice's real name is. Gary came in and said that they have 6 women coming in to play the game. Howard told Robin that if he sees any 4's and 5's coming in, he's going to kick them out. They all have to be 7s and above. Gary said they did go through a bunch of women already and kicked out some women who weren't up to the task. Gary said that all 6 of the women they have coming in are hot to him. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he read that Sean ''P. Diddy'' Coombs is changing his name again. This time it's being shortened to just ''Diddy.'' He played an audio clip from an entertainment show where Coombs says there will be an announcement in the next couple of weeks about the name change. Robin said that his name should be F-face if he keeps up with the name changes. She said she likes the guy but the name changing is ridiculous. Howard had another audio clip where P. Diddy had to apologize to Rosie O'Donnell about having too many fireworks at his party earlier this month. Rosie complained about it on her blog. Howard said he would kill himself if he lived next door to P. Diddy. He's been to one of his parties and he knows what they can be like. Artie said that he has a park next to his place and they have shows there that go on into the evening. Howard said the music gets really loud at the parties. P. Diddy apologized but he said ''...it will happen again'' so Rosie will probably be complaining again in the future.
Howard told a story about working up in Hartford and how his neighbors would hang signs on his door saying that they had the right to free speech just like he did so they could hang signs on his door. Howard said he would try to tell them that they couldn't do that because it was his home and he can't turn them off like they could turn the radio off. The neighbors would also play music really loud and he'd get up at 4 in the morning to blast music right back at them. He said they liked the battle and wouldn't complain about it though. Artie told a story about a friend he had who would leave an audio clip loop of a Crosby Stills and Nash song (Suite: Judy Blue Eyes) that had a really annoying clip. He was annoyed by his neighbors so he left it running for 2 weeks straight while he went on vacation. The neighbors had to call the cops to come in and put a stop to it.
A Rosie O'Donnell impersonator called in and pretended that she had P. Diddy next door to her playing the loud music. That call lasted about 30 seconds before Howard hung up on her. Howard said that if he was Rosie he'd be hanging himself because of the P. Diddy problem. Howard played a phony phone call that Sal and Richard made using clips of Rosie O'Donnell's retarded character asking the guy if he has toilet seats available. Artie suggested that Rosie just play clips from that movie where she played the retard the next time P. Diddy has a party. He said that his friend's apartment looked like a crime scene when he came back from vacation because the cops had to bust down his door to stop the music from playing. Howard had the loop of the song that Artie was talking about and played it to reenact the scene. They went to break a short time later.
Artie said that he did a love scene the other night for his movie ''Beer League.'' He said he feels bad for the actress Cara Buono. He said she's really talented and adorable. Artie's girlfriend was on the set and so was Cara's boyfriend. He said they're both pretty cool about the whole thing. They're kissing each other with closed mouths according to Artie. Howard said he and Mary McCormack did open mouthed kissing when they shot ''Private Parts.'' He thought that Mary liked it because she wasn't putting up any resistance when they were shooting the scene. Artie said they're shooting a strip club scene this week and he can't wait for that because they'll have topless women there. Howard said Artie told him that he has to shave there at the station because he wasn't able to shave at home this morning. He has to be clean shaven for the movie and he'll be shaving in the nasty bathroom there at the station. Artie said that the water doesn't get all that hot there so it's not going to be fun. Howard saw that Artie had a day planner in his bag and the planner was from 1996. Artie doesn't use it, he just keeps it with him because it looks cool.
Howard said that one of the women they have coming in today claims that she went out with Dave and he wanted her to call him by his real name. Dave thinks that's a bunch of crap though. Howard talked about a guy he knows who worked at E! and went by the name of Lee Masters. He later found out that the guy had changed his name to Jarl Mohn and that freaked him out.
Howard had Gary bring in this woman who claimed that she had gone out with Dead Air Dave. Dave wasn't sure that she was for real. She came in and Dave said he never went out with this woman. The woman said she went out for pizza and that's when Dave admitted that he did go out with her a couple of times but nothing happened. Howard said she was pretty hot. Artie was impressed as well and said that she had quite a body. The woman said that Dave invited her back to his place so she went back with him. She said he took a shower while she watched TV and he ended up coming out in his boxer shorts after the shower. She claims that he just about sat on her when he came out but Dave said that wasn't true. She was also saying that he took out an old movie that he liked and put that on. Dave said the movie was ''The Taking of Pellham 123.'' They watched that and then she left. Dave said he probably pleasured himself after she left but he doesn't remember. Dave also pointed out that her boobs must be new because he didn't remember them. She said they are pretty new. The woman, whose name we still didn't know, said she was calling him ''Dave'' but he asked her to call him by his real name when she was over. She said that his real name is Ashook. Dave was amazed that she actually remembered it.
The woman said that she went out with him again to a Depeche Mode concert and still didn't do anything with him then either. She just wanted to go to the concert. Dave asked her if she's a stripper now or something. She said she actually finances mobile homes. Gary told Howard that she was on her way to put on her bikini when they brought her in. She's part of the Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan contest and all of the girls will be in bikinis. She mentioned that she had a guy there with her who apparently slept with Artie's sister Stacy. Gary said that Artie looked pissed when he heard that. The guys brought the guy, Keith, in a short time later. Keith said that Artie's sister doesn't look like Artie at all. Keith said he met Artie's sister in the town she lives in and he has hung out with Artie a couple of times. Keith was saying that his family likes to drink. Artie was really mad while this was going on and they didn't get it. Gary said that Artie's sister is his weak spot and he's really protective of her. Keith said that Stacy is really fun and sweet. Dave said that Artie was still mad at the guy so Howard asked him what was going on. Howard thought that Artie had asked to bring the guy in so he didn't know why he was so mad. Artie was being very short with his answers and kept his voice really low.
Artie said that he doesn't remember meeting this guy before. He said he doesn't hang out with his sister and her dates. He also said that his sister doesn't like to drink that much, she will drink once in a while. Artie's behavior was kind of odd so Howard told him that he was nuts. Gary thought it was funny that Artie was loving this girl until this guy came in. Artie said ''No I wasn't in a really low voice. Howard tried to get back to Dave and the whole name thing. He said he heard that Dan the Song Parody Man had changed his name for radio but Dan came in and said that wasn't true, it's always been the name he uses which is Dan Cooper.
Artie was still pacing around by his chair so Howard asked Gary if they had anyone claiming to have slept with Artie's mother. Artie said he doesn't like when his stupid life effects other people in his family. He said this guy Keith seems like a nice guy but he doesn't want this stuff blurted out on the air. Howard said that he'll give Artie KC's phone number so they can work things out together. Howard was ready to go to break so they could get to the contest. They couldn't get Artie to calm down though. Artie said that he would like to keep some things quiet in his life but he knows that it's pretty hard to do that on that show. Keith said that it wasn't his plan to piss anyone off. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she can't believe that Artie was so upset about this stuff, his sister just went out on a date. Artie said it's all a privacy thing and that's the reason he was so upset. One caller said that it's the one time that Artie gets pissed and there are no E! cameras there. Dave said he saw Jason taking some pictures though. Gary said it looked like someone had just put a piece of dog crap under his nose because his lip was curled up when he was pissed. Artie said that he has anger issues and when he was working as a long shoreman he would have problems with guys and he'd throw a couple of punches once in a while. He said he loves his sister and he knows that she goes out and has a good time but this is his life. A few people called in and joked about the Stacy thing and made some sex sounds.
Howard found out that Artie stopped going to the shrink. Artie said he will go once in a while but he thought that Howard wanted him to go so that's why he was going. Now Artie is saying that he's now doing whatever the hell he wants. Howard told him he's nuts. Artie said that's obvious and the shrink thing wasn't helping out. He said he'll finish up this movie he's shooting and then he'll go back to relaxing and drinking. Robin said that Artie is making it all about Howard and she doesn't understand why. Artie said he drives himself crazy with this stuff because he tires to please everyone. He got a great offer for a movie but he'd have to leave for a month. Howard told him to do what he wants and if the movie is a good thing for him then he should go do it. He said that Artie is doing really well on the show and there's no reason to get pissed at him about it. Artie is doing really well on the show and he has to make a decision if he wants to do it or not. Artie thinks that Howard would have an issue with him leaving for a full month like that. Howard said that he wouldn't have a problem with that because he has the right to go do whatever he wants to, whenever he wants to. Howard did make him feel pretty guilty about taking three weeks off to shoot this movie he's shooting now. Howard said the reason he did that is because he was shooting it in the New York area.
Robin said that she figured out what just happened there. She thinks that Artie got pissed that his sister was brought up on the air and now he's thinking that he's made sacrifices for the show and now that doesn't matter so he's going to do whatever the hell he wants. Howard told Artie that a guy came to him a couple months ago and sent him a script. The script was for someone else but the guy thought of Howard in the role. Howard loved the script and it would have been good for him and might get him an Academy Award. The director might be one of his favorites of all time. He said that he read the script and he was going to do it. He'd have to shoot for 2 months and do both the radio show and the movie. He knows he's going to satellite in January so he wanted to dedicate himself to that starting in October so he'd have to shoot in September and October. They called him back and said they were going to have to shoot in October / November. The movie was a movie that he was destined to do so he sat down and thought about it. He told them that he couldn't do it because he was going to be going out to promote satellite radio in October / November. Artie told Howard that he's not him and professionally his life has been good for a decade but his personal life is out of control. Robin asked him if his personal life would get better if he moved to L.A. Artie knows that won't happen. He asked Howard if he told him that he was going to only be able to do the satellite radio show for a couple of months because he had a Sitcom coming up. Howard told him that he should just go out and do what he wants to do. Whatever makes him happy. Howard told him that he wants him there and he looked for someone to sit in that seat for months and picked him. He said he will never lose his friendship no matter what he does. Howard said he can't believe that the movie is a better opportunity than the radio show is. Artie said it's not even about that. He said that he's still in negotiations with the satellite radio show because he doesn't want a long term commitment. Howard thought he was past that but Artie said nothing has been resolved. They apparently want him to commit for a few years but he doesn't want to do that. Howard said he doesn't care if he only wants a short term commitment.
Artie said that he feels really guilty leaving everyone behind and that's what the shrink should be working on. Howard told Artie another story about Jay Thomas the radio guy. He said that Jay had a really successful radio gig and took a job on Mork and Mindy and the show tanked a year later. He never recovered after that according to Howard. Artie said that the only successful things in his life are working on Howard's show and his DVD. Other than that he's had nothing but failures. He claims that he's turned down a bunch of offers over the past year or so and he's wondering if that was the right thing to do. Howard seems to think that his manager and agent may be whispering in his ear that they have fame and fortune for him. He would like Artie to be there with them for future projects but if that's giving him pain and anguish then he should just go. Artie told Howard that Howard is the most important person in his life. Howard told him he'd still be his friend even if he left. Artie is saying that he may not be there on satellite for the whole run (5 years) but Howard doesn't care. He said that Artie can come to the party if he wants to but if he wants to leave, that's fine.
Howard let a couple of callers through to talk to Artie. Mariann from Brooklyn called in again and said that people try to find jobs they like their whole lives and if he likes the job he has, he should make his decision already. Another caller said that he's paying for satellite hoping that Artie won't be there. Howard told the guy that he might not be there so that might happen. Another guy said that if he does leave an fails, he's going to ruin his career. Artie knows that he could fail if he does that. Another guy said that this is the most real radio he's ever heard. He loves Artie on the show and he thinks that it's career suicide to jump from something successful to another project. Howard went to break at around 8:15, almost an hour after his last break.
Gary said he was going to pick Adrienne, Eden and Lori. Howard picked the same 3 as his picks for the game. Robin picked number 1, 2 and 3. Artie went on to pick 1, 3 and 5. Fred went with 1,3 and 5. Gary said that 1 and 3 are in and they had to pick between the two who tied. Lori was the last one picked to play. Howard felt bad about letting the other girls go but he had to play with just 3 girls.
Howard said they have a $10,000 prize courtesy of ''Trippin the Rift'' which airs on the Sci-Fi channel tonight at 10. He went on to play the game after that. He was going to ask the girls questions about the show. Here are the questions:
Howard started to get into it with Artie again. He thinks that all of this craziness started around this movie ''Beer League'' that he's shooting. He said he'll have to comfort Artie when this movie tanks but Artie said that he's used to movies tanking so it won't be a big deal. Howard let Stacy go and got back to Bob. Bob has been single for 7 years now and he's claiming that he doesn't get laid. Howard heard that he hangs out with John Stamos trying to get his leftovers but that's not working either. Howard said they have a couple of interns who claim he hit on them. Bob said that's not true but Howard had all of them come in to see if Bob recognized any of them. Claudia, Kelly, Stacy and Ashley all came in and Bob didn't recognize any of them. Kelly and Stacy are the two claiming that they were hit on by him. Kelly claims that she ran into him at a club called ''Butter'' last winter. She explained how she saw Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen there and saw Bob there with them as well. She thought of him as ''Danny Tanner'' from ''Full House.'' She said that she and a friend went up to him and asked him if he was Bob Saget. He said it was and went on to talk about how tough it is to be around the Olsen twins because he has to think of them as his daughter. Bob said there's no way he said that. Kelly went on to say that Bob claimed that his daughter went to school at NYU but Bob said he'd never say that either. She said he walked away at one point and came back telling her not to tell anyone that he was drunk. She said he took her to another club later on as well.
Stacy told her story and how Bob had come up to her at some party she was at. He said hello to them and talked to them for a while. The girls had a tough time getting into this club they were at so Bob said something about how he couldn't believe that such beautiful girls weren't allowed in the club. Bob helped get them into the club by saying that they were his friends. She said he was very nice helping them out like that. The girls said they probably couldn't sleep with Bob because they grew up watching him as a father on TV. Will came in and said that Stacy wasn't being honest because she said earlier that it was gross that an old man was hitting on her. Bob said he could never sleep with the Olsen girls because their ages combined don't equal his age.
Howard let the interns go back to work and got back to Bob's life. Bob has a couple of kids himself and Artie figured that his ex-wife must have been good looking because his kids are cute. Bob was there to promote this movie ''The Aristocrats'' which is about this dirty joke that a bunch of comedians tell during the movie. They spent a minute talking about that and then Howard read that Bob claims he hasn't gotten laid in about a year. Bob said he was doing a play in the city and he turned into a ''theater queer'' for 3 months and was doing some things that he usually wouldn't do. Howard also read that Bob was one of the people invited to Rodney Dangerfield's hospital room when he was close to death. Bob said that he was close to Rodney and would even have him over for Thanksgiving Dinner. Rodney was hanging out in a robe at his house and smoking pot in his living room. Bob said there were just a few people invited to Rodney's room that night before he died. He had a story to tell about Rodney but he was afraid Howard would have to bleep him. Howard told him to keep it clean so that's what he did. Rodney had him over to his house one time and he got there a little late. Rodney told him he had Ron Jeremy and a couple of hookers coming over. Rodney had to have Ron sign a release for him but Bob just wanted to have dinner with him so Rodney walked him to the elevator to say goodbye. Bob said he asked Rodney how he was doing as he was leaving and Rodney told him that he was waiting for a guy who can suck his own crank to show up while the guy he wanted to have dinner with was leaving.
Bob talked a bit more about his relationship with Rodney Dangerfield. Howard also brought up the stories Artie was telling on the show the other day about shooting ''Dirty Work'' with Don Rickles. They went through some of those stories again and talked about how great Rickles was on that movie shoot. Bob said that he's still a fan of Don's and he missed out on going to see him out in Las Vegas recently. Artie told another story about Bob from back in the ''Dirty Work'' days. He said that he had just bought a new Cadillac and Bob asked to drive it. Bob drove the car but he hit a pothole while driving about 90 through the city. They were pulled over when this Puerto Rican guy stopped by and said he'd help. He could barely say a word of English. Norm Macdonald was there and pulled a joke on Bob where he told him that the guy agreed to do it for free if Bob Saget would just sign an autograph. When the guy was all done, Bob went up to him and asked him where he wanted to sign and the guy asked him for $400 cash.
A listener called in and asked Bob about an appearance he made on the HBO show ''Entourage.'' Howard said he's not watching that show but everyone else seems to be. Bob said the show is really funny this season and he played a part where he was version of himself who smoked pot and had sex with strippers. Howard gave Bob a plug for this movie ''The Aristocrats'' which opens this Friday in select markets. He also told Bob that he still loves that America's Funniest Home Video's show that he used to host. Bob said the good stuff was the stuff they couldn't show on the air. Bob wished Howard luck with his move to satellite radio before Howard went to break.
Howard started off the morning saying that comedian Reverend Bob Levy was sitting in for Artie. Artie hasn't quit or anything, Artie had this day planned off so Bob's not trying to steal his job or anything. Bob said that he was actually there to steal Benjy's job. Bob also said that he'll never do movies and he'll never stop drinking. Howard wondered if Bob would give his left nut to have Artie's job. Bob said he'd give him both.
Howard said he thinks that Artie's management might have to take some of the blame for what went on yesterday. Robin is working on a new TV show but while she's working on it, the guys barely even know that she's doing it. She said that she wouldn't do anything that interferes with the show. Gary said that yesterday's show was like a big build up to a goodbye and if Howard had told him he could leave, he might have left yesterday. Gary feels bad about that because he wants Artie to stick around because he likes him so much. He said he likes him on the air and off the air. It seems like he's going through a million arguments in his mind while all of this is going on and he can't make up his mind about what he wants to do.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked to hear Artie's meltdown from yesterday. Gary said he'd work on getting audio of that segment so they could play it back today. They didn't want to go all the way back to the catalyst for Artie's meltdown. That was this girl who came in and told the guys about the boyfriend who came in talking about his sister. Gary said that ARtie came in at one point and got really pissed asking for the guy's real name and asking where he lived. Howard told him to calm down because it seemed like he was going to do something crazy. The caller Howard had on the line asked Howard to replay an old bit from when Steve Rossi was on for a dial-a-date. Howard said they actually have a section on his web site where people can vote for their favorite bits that they could replay. Gary said that they've gotten a lot of requests to hear Artie's pig-snorting-coke story and Gary's love tape so he'll be playing them over the next couple of Best of Stern shows. Fred played a couple of new Baba Booey song parodies that Kidd Chris wrote for them. He was apparently bored with the other songs and created a few new ones. There was one DMX song parody that Howard really liked. Gary said that a lot of people find the Baker Street parody to be the funniest. Fred played that one and Robin started to laugh as soon as she heard it start. Bob said that you just know that Richard Christy was naked when he was singing that song. He was also saying that Richard is one creepy guy and he feels so much more normal when he's around him and Sal. Howard had Fred play some more Baba Booey parodies and asked Gary to have some bands perform their own songs with the Baba Booey lyrics.
Howard mentioned that Cabbie will be on tomorrow's show to say goodbye since he'll be going to jail for his tax evasion charges. He wanted to tell Cabbie to stay out of trouble when he's in jail. Bob said he thinks this will be like a gay nightclub for Cabbie and he's going to enjoy the time in jail. Cabbie is supposed to be trying to write a book while he's in jail so Bob said he should call it ''What the Other Prisoners Did to Me...''
King of all Blacks called in and said that he knew that Artie was quitting drinking for Howard when that happened a few months ago. Howard said he didn't make Cabbie do that and he didn't make him go to the psychiatrist like he said during the show yesterday. Robin said she was shocked when she heard Artie say that he did that just for Howard. Howard had given ARtie the name of a psychiatrist and Artie took it like he wanted to do it on his own. Artie took the number and then he had a meltdown months ago and decided to go to his own psychiatrist in Jersey so Howard figured that was fine. He didn't push him to go to his shrink. King of all Blacks said that Artie's management probably told him it was best for him to do this movie he's shooting now and that he'll never make the money that Howard makes. That may be why he's so obsessed with money. King told Howard that he was out at a restaurant last night and got drinks and stuff off of Howard's name when people recognized him. Howard wondered how to make that happen because he always ends up paying. King said that if he can get free stuff then Howard should be able to do it.
Howard let King go a short time later and said that it seems like people double what they'd charge other people. He had an estimate for some work to be done in his apartment and they wanted to charge him $700,000. They wanted to charge him $20,000 just to paint a couple of rooms. Robin said that's what they should charge to remodel those two rooms. Howard ended up getting another guy to paint the room for $800. Howard had to take a break so he mentioned some of the stuff they had coming up. They have Riley Martin calling in to propose a new show and a porn star coming in to play Stump the Perv with Richard Christy. Bob Levy said that the first thing Richard said to his girlfriend was something about her looking just like a porn star and then shook her hand. They spent a minute talking about that and then went to break.
Howard read some of the mail they got about Artie's meltdown. Some people think he's completely nuts. Others think that he's obsessed with money and that's not going to make him happy. Robin said that ever since Howard told Artie that he shouldn't stay away from the show while he was shooting this movie of his, he's been nuts. Howard said that's true and he really has gone nuts since all of that came about. He read a few more e-mails about Artie and how some people want him to leave, some want him to stay. One guy warned Artie against snorting Paxil because he did mention something about that at the end of the show yesterday. The writer said that he did that one time and it was really painful.
Howard had some mail about Nick DiPaolo's appearance and how great he was. There was also some feedback about KC's call the other day. One guy said that Tom should have some security for himself to keep KC away from him. Someone wrote in and asked what's going on with Robin's TV show. She's not talking about it much right now. The guy offered himself up for her show and said that he loves her. Someone wrote in and told Howard that they all suck because they didn't have any cameras on the Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan contest they had yesterday. Howard said that he will have an announcement on Monday about his TV plans.
Bobo called in and told Howard that he really should play that Artie segment from yesterday. Howard said he'll play that in the 7 o'clock hour. Bobo also said that he saw his girlfriend Beth and their dog Bianca in the paper today. Beth went to the premiere of a movie where they let people sit with their dogs. Bobo asked how much she weighs so Howard said ''55 pounds'' and Bob said ''Beth weighs 55 pounds?'' Howard said he wouldn't date her if she weighed more than that. He said it was actually Bianca that weighs 55 pounds. Howard talked about how his dog got all of the dogs in the theater barking when she started to bark. The dog then sat and watched the whole movie like a person would do. She didn't even lay down.
Howard said he knows that they'd write a million questions for Eric to ask and he'd be wondering in his head if he should ask them or not. He was going to test Eric out but he knows that he has a whole morality thing that would stop him from doing it. Eric said he'd also like to know if he could be considered a guest for his satellite radio station when he moves. Howard told Eric that he wants him to call in during Riley Martin's segment and pretend that he's an alien. Gary came in and asked Eric if he would ask Jessica Simpson if she pleasures herself. Eric said that he could probably do that as long as Nick wasn't around. They also asked him if he'd ask her if she smokes weed. Eric said he would ask her that. He was skirting around all of the questions they were asking him and they knew that he wouldn't ask any of them. Howard asked Eric if he would go up to Kelly Clarkson and ask her if she looks at the toilet paper after she wipes. He said ''no'' to that one. Howard told Eric that's why he won't be sending him to the VMA awards. He knows it would be the most boring thing they ever heard. Eric said that he would ask Kelly if it was true that she does not wear panties at all. Howard said that's a start... He wondered if he'd ask her if she likes Bukkake. Eric won't be doing that.
Eric told Howard that he sent a list of shows he'd like to be on to Will so they could help him out. Bob said ''So that's how it's done... '' and Howard told him that he heard that CSI wants him to play a paperweight. He said he'd like to get him on Fear Factor but Robin told him that was canceled. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said the reason he had Riley on the phone was because he was looking for a job over at SIRIUS. Riley said the reason he asked them not to hire him in that earlier clip was because ''god forbid you have something interesting'' on the air. Riley wrote a letter to Howard asking him about putting him on the air and he had some thoughts on the ''War of the Worlds'' movie that came out. He said that the movie wasn't realistic but Howard told him that it was a made up story, not a documentary. Howard asked Riley to tell him what he would do on this radio show because he is looking for a bunch of people to do shows on his channels over there. He needs to have an idea of what the show would be like. Riley started to talk about what the aliens think about the Earth so Howard muted his voice so Riley couldn't hear him and asked Robin if she would listen to an hour of that. Robin said it's great. Bob Levy said it would be great to get high and listen to him. Howard told Riley he sounds good and he likes his pitch but he needs to get on the mic and work it out a little. He asked Riley if he could answer questions that don't have to do with aliens. Howard gave Riley a sample question about Tom Cruise and Scientology. Riley went on to say that he agrees with what Tom Cruise has said about aliens mixing in with humans. Howard said he was zoning out at that point and he'd probably switch over to the gay channel instead.
Levy asked Riley how the aliens lured him onto the space ship, with a lollipop? Riley said he saw the space ships 3 nights in a row and they came down and took him back to the ship when he was about 7 years old, way back in 1953. Riley said they were not child molesters like Howard thought they might be. Riley's dog was smart enough to run away when the aliens came down. Howard wondered if Riley could help people out with diet questions if they called in and asked him. Riley said he knows nothing about that. He asked to give a plug for his web site. Bob quickly said that it must be I'm-Insane.com. Riley said that it's actually TheComingOfTan.com. Riley got in a couple of plugs for that and his book that's available through his web site. Howard let him go a short time later and said that he's a fan of his. He said we might hear Riley over at SIRIUS when they move there. After Riley was off the phone Howard played some of Riley's voice mail message again. He was also doing an impression of Riley talking about being abducted and talking about his dog ''Brown boy.''
Howard asked what the verdict was on the Artie rant replay was. Robin said she'd love to hear it again even though it's a half hour long. Howard said he might wait to play it when Artie comes back so they can go over it with him. Howard mentioned that Bob was sitting in again and Bob told a quick story about how he was introduced as ''the World's Meanest Customer'' at one of his comedy gigs recently. He was actually the ''World's Meanest Listener'' on Howard's show a while back. He said the guy also said that he was also Yucko the Clown but Yucko is about a foot shorter than he is. Howard went to break shortly after that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that Artie was a bit off yesterday and he may be worried that if he stays on the show, he'll have to stay sober and he may not want to do that. Robin thinks that some of his problems are from the addictions he has. Dominic hopes that he stays on the show because he really does love him.
Double A called in and asked Howard about getting his own show over on satellite. Howard said they're going to look at everyone. Double A wants to talk about picking up hot girls on his show. He told Howard how he would like to go to all kinds of places in New Jersey and New York and tell guys where to pick up the hot girls. Howard told him to go tape a show and send it to them so they can hear it.
Howard said they got a letter from a guy claiming to be Ross' cousin. He and his cousins weren't invited to the wedding and he's upset about that. The guy wrote that he can't believe that Ross invited people from the Stern show to his wedding and not his family. Howard said that is a slap in the face but they're making it seem like it's going to be the party of all parties. Gary told Howard that he'll be appearing at the Spearmint Rhino on Saturday night to help offset the costs of his trip.
Howard said they have some pictures of Becca up on his web site so people can see her. You can also check her out at BunnyRanch.com. Richard Christy came in the studio with a baseball bat so Howard asked her what was up with that. Richard said he wanted to see what she was up for. He also had some baby oil with him. Richard told her that the stakes are high in this Stump the Perv. Bob said that Richard looked like a ''deranged cheese doodle'' standing there. Gary said they have to have Becca on the show when they move to satellite because she's got some stories that she can't tell on this radio show. She does ''skat parties'' where guys have her go to the bathroom on her. The delay was hit at least once during that conversation. She said that she will go on the guys and just leave them there. She doesn't stick around to see what they do. Becca thinks that maybe the guy has an overbearing mother or wife and that's their escape. Bob said that maybe they're just sick bastards.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there's no way this chick got paid $50,000 for spending a weekend with a couple. He said that the maximum would be about $5,000. He was also saying that she really is a whore and the government should check into that claim that she made $25,000 from the $50,000 for the weekend. The caller thought that the couple could have bought a Swedish girl for that much money. Howard said he believes what she said. She said that maybe she turned the guy down and he had something against her. Howard had to take a break before getting to the Stump the Perv game. He told Becca that if she loses the game, Richard Christy gets to do anything he wants to her. She was kind of scared of him when she saw him standing there with the baseball bat. She told Howard that she wanted to get under his desk and pleasure him since there aren't any cameras in there anymore. She also brought up a story about Howard having to clean his dog's ass. Howard said that it's not the dog's ass that he cleans, it's a tail socket that's near her ass. Becca said that she was defending him and telling Rush and Malloy that Howard would never do that, he'd have someone like Gary do it if he had to. Howard went to break right after that.
Richard said that they kept the bathroom pretty clean for him. Howard was happy about that because he didn't want to have to set him on fire along with the bathroom. Howard let a couple of phone callers through to talk about what just went on. He started to wrap up after that and gave Becca a couple of plugs for SexSearch.com and BunnyRanch.com. Richard asked Becca if she ever has guys come to her to lose their virginity. She said that does happen and wondered why he was asking. Richard claims he's not a virgin but did think about doing that when he was younger. Bob added that Richard used a farm animal instead.
Ralph called in and said that the five minutes that Richard spent with Becca was the longest five minutes ever. He didn't think that anything had gone on but Howard told him that Richard did do something, they just can't talk about it on the air because they're not on satellite yet. Ralph then brought up how he finally hooked up his satellite radio and he loves it. He told Howard about how great the tuners are and how the tuner can tell you whenever your favorite songs come on any station. Gary said Scott DePace did that and had one of Kelly Clarkson's songs as his favorite. Bob said that when that song comes on, a penis should come out of the wall and bang you in the head.
Ralph said that regular radio is in trouble. At first he was saying that they weren't in trouble because you can tune your satellite radio in through your regular radio. Howard said they don't want to hear that. Ralph thinks they're really in trouble and during Howard's commercial breaks he tunes into the service and listens to his favorite stations. He said he's actually run out of presets because there are so many good stations. Howard told Ralph that Pam Anderson left him a couple of messages on his answering machine. He was bragging that she left him personal messages. Ralph said that he's going to try and go see her roast that's coming up soon. Bob was saying that they don't even ask him to do those things because he's so brutal. He said the whole idea behind a roast is to hurt people's feelings and that's what he does.
One of Robin's favorite songs right now is a Papa Roach song, Scars, so Howard played some of that. He was saying that he likes Avril Lavigne's songs. He said that Ralph called and left him a bunch of messages last night and he wanted to play them on the air but it was getting very complicated. His voice mail is voice activated and he was trying to get it to come up and then Gary was telling him what to do and it wasn't working out. He tried it again and got back to the right message. In the first message Ralph was talking about his satellite radio, how great it is and how he's going to make a fortune from his small investment. Then he hung up but the phone didn't hand up all the way so there was music playing for a short time. Ralph called back in and said he didn't mean to leave that music playing. Howard let the message play while he continued to talk about the message. While the message was recording Ralph was changing stations and listening to a bunch of stations. Some of the stuff was kind of gay so they were goofing on him about that. Howard tried to play another message that Ralph left but he couldn't get it to come up. Gary was trying to help but Howard was getting pissed off at him for no good reason. He eventually got the message up and let it play. He was commenting on the Jimmy Kimmel show but there was a curse that he had to censor out so we didn't hear the whole message.
Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard that the best song of the year was by this band The Kaiser Chiefs and the song was ''I Predict a Riot.'' Fred found the song and played it for Howard but he hated it. Bob said that it was like music to kill Batman to. He was ready to bail out on it about 10 seconds in but Vinnie told him to listen to the chorus. While it was playing Fred was playing some gay porn sound effects over it. Vinnie said it was great but Howard told him to never call the show again with music requests. Howard had to go to break after that.
Gary said that Sal and Richard had gone to change into their cowboy and indian outfits one day and one of them turned to the other and said ''I didn't know you were uncut.'' Gary thought that was gay. It turns out that Sal is the one who is uncut and looks like a ''sand worm'' according to Richard. Howard had to have Robin start her news after that so they could get the show over with.
During the news Howard mentioned a story about a female robot that was very interesting looking to him. He read an article about it and said that it kind of looked like Penelope Cruz to him. He wondered if the guy gave her a ''vagine.'' She was starting to look more like Connie Chung to Howard the more he looked at her. Howard also mentioned how he made a call to Governor Patacki last night after he made his announcement about leaving his position. Howard said he told Patacki that they'll follow him wherever he goes and try to support him in whatever he does, including running for President. Howard said he'll back Elliott Spitzer for governor since Patacki is going to be leaving.
Later on Howard wondered if Beth would get mad at him if he had a female robot that he could have sex with. He said she doesn't mind him whacking off to porn so maybe she wouldn't mind the robot. Bob told him to just tell her that he thinks about her while he's doing the robot and he should be fine. He asked what's more important to guys, a robot you can have sex with or going up into space with the space shuttle. He figured the robot is more important to most guys.
Howard started off the show saying that Artie wasn't there today. He apparently called Gary that he would take his lumps on Monday. He's been shooting his movie ''Beer League'' and he's been up late each night. Howard didn't want to get into it and said that Artie is going to do whatever he wants. He figured that Artie could have set limits for how late he shoots but he's apparently not doing that. He was thinking that it might be his management but he didn't want to blame them. Gary said that Howard was feeling kind of dissed yesterday when he told him the news. He also said that Jason was listening back to the show while he was transcribing the show and figures that Artie is afraid of making any commitment. Howard said that's the gambler's mentality.
Howard said they got a letter from Artie's manager recently and he told them that they were going to have to miss the show for a few weeks. After they talked about that on the air they got a call from the director of the movie and he's saying that he doesn't want the movie to be the reason Artie leaves the show because he's a huge fan. He said they could actually work around Artie's schedule and work on weekends. Howard said that Artie could say that he doesn't want to work until 2 in the morning on this movie but no one is demanding that. He said he always uses the excuse that he's not Howard when he's explaining why he's doing this stuff. He said he really didn't feel good about this whole situation. He's hoping that they'll see Artie on Monday but he's not so sure about that.
Gary came in and said that the director that they were talking about earlier sent them a letter about how he was going to work with the schedule and get it down to 4 days so he won't ruin his relationship with him. Howard read the letter and then said that Artie isn't getting the proper management. He explained how they can shoot TV shows, movies and do other stuff while keeping the radio show gig. Howard said that he was looking at the list of ''stars'' in the movie and there weren't many big names. Sean William Scott was one of the names. Howard said he's a good guy but they were kind of hinting that the other stars weren't that big.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that they were probably asking for that movie back from him because a couple of weeks ago the movie was coming out illegally on DVD with crystal clear copies. They probably didn't think that Howard was the one who released it but that's probably why they wanted it back. Howard let Vinnie go and talked about how he had to pleasure himself last night since Beth wasn't around to do it for him. He was also talking about how much he has to do when he goes to bed these days. His dentist is trying to help him keep his teeth because he has this overbite that causes the bottom teeth to push into the top teeth. He has this piece of plastic that keeps his mouth open at night so he won't grind but his mouth is about 4 feet wide when it's in. Robin said she'd like to see that piece of plastic in his mouth.
Howard said he laid down to pleasure himself last night but he didn't want to go get a DVD because it's such a hassle. He went to get his mouth piece and then got the On-Demand stuff going to he could watch a movie. He went to channel 1000 and kept going up past all of the other stuff to the porno. He said it's so convenient for porn because you can watch it when you want to. They hit you for ten bucks and he only uses it for about 3 seconds. Howard said he can't watch all black or Asian porn, they have to have white chicks in them. He ended up coming upon this porn that Hustler magazine put out. It was called ''TEN Carnal Co-ed 1.4'' and there was a chick in the movie that was so hot, he didn't know what she was doing in the business. He never did find out what her name was so he had Richard Christy come in to see if he could figure it out. Richard said he's never seen the movie and asked Howard to describe her to him. Howard said she was blond and thin but he knew that wasn't going to help. Gary came in a short time later and said they looked it up and that it might be Anika Fox. He said he was fast forwarding through the boring parts and found the good parts. She was naked in this one scene and wanted to wait for her to do something else before he finished.
Richard told Howard that he tries to wait and finish when the guy finishes in a porn movie. He wasn't sure if that was weird or not. The guys brought in a picture of Anika Fox and Howard said that wasn't her. Gary told Howard that he's found a new way to watch porn. He and his wife figure that it's not a good idea to leave porn around the house so he goes on this web site MovieMonster.com and watches the movies there. Gary is still doing himself in the bathroom as well so he has to get worked up and then run to the bathroom to finish off. He said before he found out about this web site he was only doing himself about once or twice a week. Now that he's got the password for that site, he can do it much more often. He'll be checking his mail and stuff and then go ahead and do himself. Now he's doing it 3 or 4 times a week. He said that the first time he had sex with his wife this week was last night so he's not doing it all that much with her. Howard figures that Gary's son will eventually find Gary's porn stash. Gary knows that will happen some day.
Richard asked Gary if he's ever heard footsteps coming when he's been looking at porn. Gary was about to tell a story but Howard told a story about how he used to have electronic bolts on his door in the basement of his house to keep people out when he was doing that stuff. Gary said he's figured out that he has to minimize his browser before he leaves the computer so no one will see what he's up to. Richard also found out that Gary doesn't touch himself before going to the bathroom to pleasure himself. Howard told him he should get a laptop computer so he can do himself while he's watching the porn. Gary is afraid that he'd drop the computer or something like that. Howard told him to build a shelf to hold the computer. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard had some audio clips from some TV shows that he was going to play. They have a show, ''Lie Detector,'' where they get people to take lie detector tests. They had the woman who accused Colin Farrell of stalking her. The host of the show interviewed the woman and asked her about what's going on and the woman really seems to believe that Colin is stalking her. After doing a short interview, they give her the lie detector test and she's told that she flunked and she was a liar. The woman said she thought they were setting her up. She said she thinks that Colin's people must have paid them off and they were just a fake, Hollywood show. The host called the woman a liar and then let her ramble on and on about Colin and what she thinks of him. She called Colin and the host of the show a ''paid whore of Hollywood.'' Howard loved that clip and the show.
Howard had some other audio from Entertainment Tonight where Danny Bonaduce was talking about being in rehab. Howard explained how Danny has had a few radio shows and a reality TV show where he basically self-destructed. In the interview they talk about Danny's ''downward spiral'' and Danny basically blamed VH1 for not doing anything about his drinking while they were shooting his TV show. Howard said that out of control people fascinate him. Robin wondered if he could spend 15 minutes with a guy like that. Howard said they have spent 15 minutes with him and it's tough to take. He said he actually liked Danny when he was on the show and didn't have a problem with him. Robin said that he reminds her of Sam Kinison. That led to Howard talking about Sam and some of the crazy things he used to do. He and Robin went for a drive with him one time and he was steering the car with his stomach and not watching the road. After the stories Howard had to take another commercial break.
Howard noticed that Cabbie's weight has ballooned over the past couple of months. Cabbie said a friend of his told him to eat what he wants now because the food in jail isn't going to be all that great. He said he wants to get in shape when he's in jail so he'll be trying to eat the good stuff in there. Cabbie's life was going pretty good since the court case and how he's going to have to put that on hold. Cabbie said he came in to the station today to say goodbye to a bunch of people and to get his last paycheck. He stopped by Tom's office but he wasn't around this morning. Cabbie said it's a done deal that he's going to jail and he's not trying to get out of the whole thing at the last minute. He only got a few hours of sleep last night because he was so busy getting stuff done. Howard wondered if he had sex with his girlfriend last night. Cabbie didn't want to talk about that and he realized that there are some things that he doesn't want out there. Howard was trying to find out how a guy spends the last day before he goes to jail. Cabbie said he went out last night and ate 3 lobster tails and a steak as his ''las meal.'' Cabbie said he's probably around 300 pounds right now and he was willing to get on the scale in the studio. Howard told him to hold off on that for a short time since the scale wasn't turned on.
Cabbie said he has to turn himself in down at Fort Dix where he'll be spending the next year. He never thought about running away because it would cost him another half a million dollars if he got caught. He claims that he's been getting e-mails from people that are pretty interesting. Cabbie said that people will be able to keep in contact with him through his web site FreeCabbie.com. Gary came in and told Howard about some of the stuff that he has on his site, including a link to the IRS web site. Cabbie has shaved his head in preparation for jail and he's going to be behaving himself while he's in there. He didn't pack a bag because they told him not to bring anything at all. He figures they're going to give him a uniform to wear for the next year. Cabbie said he is supposed to bring money and they put that into an account for making phone calls and stuff like that. He's sure that he'll be strip searched when he gets there and many times after that.
Howard took some phone calls for Cabbie and let some people say goodbye to him. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told him to stay positive and keep himself clean so he can start all over again when he gets out. Another caller asked Cabbie what kind of prison it is. Cabbie said that it's a federal prison and it's a good facility but he's not sure if it's going to be minimum security or not. He said he's no all that nervous and there are people who are more nervous for him. He spoke to his birth mother and told her about what's going on. Cabbie didn't talk to the family that raised him though. Bobo called in and asked him if he got his gift pack for prison which included the K-Y Jelly and condoms and stuff. Cabbie said he's heard those jokes already and they were better than his. Some other callers were being pretty nice to Cabbie and supporting him. Cabbie is hoping to keep everyone updated through his web site and he'll have some porn stars reading his notes on the site. Double A called in and told Cabbie he's not a religious guy but he did go to church this morning and lit a candle for him.
Howard told Cabbie he's going to miss him but he won't be staying in contact with him when he's away. He won't hear from him for the next year but maybe Robin, his ambassador, will keep in touch for him. Cabbie said he was driving in this morning and listening to Howard talking about the porn thing and he could relate to what he was saying and that's what's so great about the show. Cabbie said he's got a laptop computer that he's taking with him on the way to the prison and he's going to do it one last time before going in. He also said that he's going to try and hold it in for the whole time he's in jail. Howard said that will probably last a day.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that if he was Cabbie's lawyer right from the start, he probably wouldn't have gotten this much time. He said the paperwork wasn't filed correctly and that was misinterpreted by the judge. Cabbie said that he thinks it was a done deal either way and he's taking full blame for it all. Howard asked the prison guards to take it easy on Cabbie because they probably hear the show. Cabbie said he thinks that all of the prisoners are treated the same and no one is going to take special car of him. He thinks he'll be able to blend in while he's there because he's like a chameleon. Howard told him to stop talking so much and told him to fall into line and do his time no matter how aggravated he gets.
Tom Chiusano came walking in and said that he loves Cabbie. Cabbie said that Tom has been great to him, like a father, since he got there. Tom asked Cabbie if he still has to pay the taxes he owes. Cabbie said he does owe the money and he's going to have to pay them back when he gets out of prison. He's hoping to continue with his broadcasting career when he gets out. Cabbie told Howard and the guys how great they've been to him and started to cry. He told Howard he's a great man and he's done a lot for him that he doesn't even know about. He talked about Howard finding his mom and the boxing matches he hooked him up with. Howard told Cabbie that he's a ''big hearted fag'' to lighten the mood. That got a couple of laughs out of everyone and Howard told him that he feels the same way about him. Howard told Cabbie that by the time he gets out of jail, cars will be flying. He wrapped up with him by singing ''Never Walk Alone'' to him as he was getting ready to go to break.
Someone wrote in and complained about Howard's comments about ''The Daily Show'' because he never watches the show. Howard watched an episode the other night and he said that nothing was going on that night. There were a bunch of other various e-mails about the winner of the ''Hottest Chick - Biggest Fan'' contest and a few other things.
Howard read that Mary has had to cut down on her drinking because she was blacking out. Mary told Howard that she had to switch to vodka because the white wine she was drinking had too much sugar in it. She also said that she was depressed because her grandmother passed away. She was on the show one time and Mary wanted to bring her ashes in to say hello to them. Howard told her that would be a bad idea. Mary has been sleeping with NBA players and Howard thought she wanted to make a movie with them. She said she's just a big fan of basketball and loves making love to them. She said she's had sex with players from the Lakers, Timberwolves, Miami Heat and a bunch of other teams. She said it's pretty easy to get those guys too. She told Howard what she does to pick the guys up. She and Kendra will go to a game and wear jerseys and then yell out to the players through the game. Then they'll pass their numbers and hook up with the guys. She said she's been with some ''top players'' in the NBA and she's been hit on by some really big guys. She talked about how 'big' they are and how good they are in bed. That led to Fred playing an audio clip from ''Storytelling'' where a black guy is telling a woman to say ''Nig*** f**k me hard.''
Mary said that she's still doing the whole politics thing and wants to run for lieutenant Governor in California. A listener called in a short time later and asked her if she was nuts running for Lieutenant Governor because she's a porn star. Howard gave the two girls plugs for their web sites MaryCarey.com and KendraJadeOnline.com. He started to wrap up the segment a short time later. He took a few more phone calls for them and one guy went off on Mary about being a porn star and a ''whore.''
Howard said his cousin went to the same school as Mary did and he heard she was the go-to girl there. His cousin Isaac came in and told her that he graduated in 2003. Mary said she graduated in 1998 and she wasn't a ho when she was there. The two of them talked about their days in Pinecrest for a short time and then Howard wrapped up the interview. He said he was glad to see that the two of them had become friends. Howard gave Mary and Kendra plugs and then went to break.
After the replay Howard said he had to take another commercial break. Robin said she's riveted by that whole conversation. Howard brought up the director who is willing to work with Artie to keep him on the radio show while he shoots this ''big film'' that he wants to do. The director is now telling Howard that they could shoot the movie in 4 shooting days so Artie wouldn't have to leave for 3 weeks like he was thinking he would. Robin said that Artie was also throwing in some information about some sitcoms that he turned down to stay on the radio show and he's thinking he might have enjoyed doing some of them. Howard said he thinks this might have to do with Artie's management and they should be setting parameters for when Artie would work. It's obvious because this director came back to Howard and told him he'd be willing to work with Artie on the schedule thing so he wouldn't have to take time off. Howard said he always does what's best for his own show.
A listener called in and brought up how Stuttering John left the show and that was a big mistake and if Artie leaves, it'll be a big mistake for him. Howard said he heard there was a big blow up over there at The Tonight Show and said something about the head writer saying that it was a mistake to have hired John. He said he hears a lot about what goes on over there. He got back to Artie and mentioned that he heard Artie say that he likes to ''roll the dice'' at least 3 times during that conversation he replayed. That's the gambler mentality coming out and that may be why Artie is talking about giving up the radio show to go do other projects. He had to take another break after that
Vinnie Favale called in late in the show and said he was hoping that Robin would talk about the biggest news story of the day. He said that daylight savings time is going to be changed starting in 2007. They're going to make it run from March to November and he'll love that because he won't have to go home in the dark. Howard said he's all for it and he was even for moving February to the middle of summer so it won't be so damn hot. Vinnie thought that was pretty funny. Howard let him go and got back to Robin's news.
Cabbie called in during Robin's news because he only had about an hour and a half of freedom. He was on his way to jail and he told Howard he'll see him when he sees him. He thinks everything will go fine because he has so much support from his friends. Howard ended the show around 10:30am.