Howard started the show talking about how busy they were going to be. He had to take a break within a minute of starting the show.
After an edited out break Howard came back doing an impression of Jackie ''Oh!'' clips that Fred was playing. Howard said Jackie was going wild today.
Howard asked Robin how her tongue was doing today. She said it was going away. Howard said she had a canker sore or something on her tongue. He said that happens once in a while. He said she should be fine. Fred played her theme song and Howard sang some stuff about her canker sore tongue. Howard said he loves this music. He was able to make up lyrics for it very easily.
Howard said some people have gotten upset about them using the word ''fag'' so they may have to rename the game ''Name that Fag'' to ''Name the Poof'' or something like that. Howard said they're not anti-gay there.
Robin said Gary was in the paper this morning. Howard said he had to get to that story. He asked if anyone had the NY Post for him to read. He got a copy and read the article which was about Gary and his brother Steven Dell'Abate who died of AIDS. Howard read about how Gary and his family gave his brother a lot of support while he went through everything with AIDS.
They called Gary ''Boy Gary'' in the article but Gary said he's no longer going by that. He's going by Baba Booey.
Howard read more of the article and Gary explained why he didn't talk about this stuff on the Howard Stern show. Gary also revealed that he's part of this charity Life Beat. Gary talked about how they misquoted him in the article a couple of times too.
Howard read that Gary kept this story to himself for a little while and didn't tell his co-workers about it immediately. Howard thought Gary did tell them soon after. In the article Gary said that everyone there was incredible through the whole thing. Howard said he was the best and Robin just stopped yelling at Gary during the illness. Gary said that's true. He said she let 3 months go by before yelling at him again. Howard said he was glad to see Gary was joining the fight against AIDS. He congratulated him on the article.
Howard said he has to watch video and can't masturbate to pictures. Howard said he ends up reading the articles in Playboy magazines if he has them.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he had tried the masturbation machine yet. Howard said he hasn't because he has to clean it up first. Robin said she thought they got the new stuff for it and it was ready to be used. Howard said he might be able to do that now.
Jackie asked if he had spoken to Gump about it because he was raving about the machine the other day when he tried it. Jackie said that Gump would be happy if he was left on a desert island and that machine. They spent a few minutes getting ready for that before they had to take another break. After the break they spent some more time talking about the machine.
Suzanne came in to plug some movie that will be on Monday, September 1 at 8:00 on Lifetime cable. It's called Devils Food. She plays a fat person who makes a deal with the devil so that she can be thin. Suzanne and Howard talked about sex and how she likes to watch porno's to get her in the mood for sex. They also talked about one of Suzanne's co-stars on her ABC TV show, Step by Step. This guy, Sasha Mitchell, who played Cody on the show was kicked off recently even though he was well liked by the show's audience. Suzanne said that Sasha had a good side and a bad side and the bad side was really bad. He would get in moods and walk off the set and come in late and stuff like that. I guess the producers of the show couldn't put up with it anymore. Howard also said that the guy was even arrested for beating his wife or something like that. Sasha has been replaced by Bronson Pinchot. Suzanne told Howard that she listens to him on her way to work every morning. She really likes Howard and she's not afraid to come on the show.
Howard went off on Norville about some of the things she was saying about him. Howard said she hasn't done anything for the ratings on that show she's on now. Howard said she just reads stuff that's written for her too. It's not like she writes any of that Inside Edition stuff. Howard went off on Norville for a few minutes yelling about how dopey she is.
Howard asked Ariana to talk like a man. She said she never was a man. She said she was a boy but never a man. Howard said that she was born a male. She said that's true. Ariana said that she has a terrific sex life with her husband and she can orgasm. Howard said that's great but that other transsexual said she didn't have any sensation down there after the operation.
Howard asked what part of her gets excited. She said that her breasts are very sensitive. Howard said they're fake though. He figured she was feeling that mentally and not physically.
Howard said what they do is open up your balls and turn that into the vag. Ariana explained it to Robin and said that they basically rewind the development of the genitals to turn them back into a vagina.
Howard asked if she likes to take it in her seat more than the fake vagina. She said she doesn't like that. She prefers the vagina. She also claims that she's self lubricating down there and she doesn't need lube. Howard said he's had a real vagina and nothing can come close to that. He said there is no way a man made vagina is as good. Howard also said that if you cut off a man's hand he's still a man. Ariana said that she's not a man.
Howard said it's okay that she did what she did but she's still a man. Ariana said she's a cosmetologist now. Howard said that has to be the worst job. He said that removing hair isn't a great accomplishment. He said there's nothing wrong with that but it's not a great accomplishment.
Some guy from G.L.A.D (Gays and Lesbians Against Defamation) called in and asked Howard very nicely not to use the word ''Fag'' anymore. Howard said he understood that some people may get offended by the word but a lot of gay guys that were coming on the show were calling themselves 'fags' so Howard just kept using it. Howard said that maybe he'd change the name of the game to 'Name That Poof' or something like that. Howard said they'd be playing the game again on Friday. We'll know then what they've re-named it.
A while back Howard had this thing called the Venus II. It's some kind of masturbation machine that pumps up and down on you to get you off. Well one of the E! employees used the thing and that show was on E! last night. A listener called in this morning, after seeing the E! show, and asked Howard if he'd ever use it himself. A little while later Howard was preparing to try it! Eventually he got Gary to set the thing up in the Green Room.
Howard got a wireless microphone and went in to try it out. He was trying and trying to get his ''weenie'' in to the machine but it kept slipping out. He was a little bit frustrated with that and the fact that the wireless mic wasn't working correctly so he went to a commercial.
A couple minutes later he came back and started to do a live commercial. He told Robin that he had finished himself off during the other commercials. ''..It only took 2 seconds..'' Howard said. It was very satisfying according to him. Some people didn't believe that he actually used the thing on himself. Howard told Jackie to give it a try. Jackie took the machine and went to the Green Room. He tried it out a bit and came back a little while later. Jackie said it was too weird for him. He called Howard weird for enjoying the Venus.
Some people still didn't believe that Howard had done the machine so Howard had Gary look at the towel that he used to go in. Gary found the mess and confirmed Howard's claim.
After that Howard was ready for bed. He had a guest coming in though. It was this 17 year old kid who used to have his own show on MTV. Howard was too distracted to do an interview for a while but he eventually got to it. This kid, Jake, has had quite a life. He had his own cable access show for a while and then MTV picked him up for a show of his own, Squirt TV. It lasted 6 episodes and then bad things happened to Jake. He wouldn't admit to much but it sounded like he got involved with drugs and then a rehab program. Now he's trying to work at K-Rock but they don't know if he's old enough to do overnights so things are on hold for now.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. Robin had a story about a 6 year old kid who tried to bungee jump from his home window.
Robin had a story about a woman who died when some bags of pet food fell on her. She had 40 dogs in her house.
Robin had some news about Al Gore that she went through too. She and Howard spent a little time on that. They had some audio clips to play of Al talking about getting people to stop smoking.
Robin had a story about Billy Ray Cyrus singing the Star Spangled Banner. She had some audio of that. Howard had to go to break after that.
After the edited out break Howard read some faxes they were getting during the break. Some of them had to do with the news stories they had just gone over.
Robin had some news about OJ Simpson and an event he appeared at. Howard said OJ seems to want people to believe he's innocent and there is a group who supports him. They spent a few minutes going over that story and playing OJ audio clips. Howard called them the ramblings of a mad man.
Robin read a story about Bob Dole coming out against cigarettes but then later said he was against marijuana cigarettes. He had forgotten that he had a lot of support from the tobacco companies.
Robin read a story about Princess Diana and how she's moving on after leaving Prince Charles. Robin said she's just the Princess of Wales now and no longer the Royal Princess.
Robin read a story about the band Oasis and how one of the brothers in the band is having some personal problems. Robin said they're going to have to go on tour without Liam Gallagher. She had some audio of Noel Gallagher talking about what was going on. Howard said he didn't know one thing he said in that clip.
Robin had some Frank Gifford and Kathie Lee news too. They're thinking about having another child. Robin gave Howard the details about that. Robin said that was it for her news so Howard did a Jackie plug.
Robin said she had something else. She said that Helen Kushnick is dead. She had been battling cancer for a while and died the other night at the age of 51. Gary had just been over to visit her not too long ago. Gary said she never did anything mean to him so he thought she was a nice lady. Gary then said that she did yell at him once. They spent a couple more minutes talking about Helen and how she worked for Jay Leno. Jay had to fire her. They ended the show a short time later.
The following is an updated version of this interview. It was replayed on February 18, 2008 during a Mammary Lane special.
The drummer from Metallica, Lars, came in this morning to hang out with Howard. Lars came in with his girlfriend Skylar. The whole group was supposed to come in a while back but Howard and the gang were on vacation so it's only Lars making an appearance this morning. Howard and Lars met at the MTV Music Video Awards back in 1992. Howard was in his famous Fartman uniform and had just come down to the stage when Lars and Kirk, the lead guitarist, were making their acceptance speech. Howard was interrupting their speech showing his ass to the audience. Howard apologized for that mess this morning.
Howard talked to Lars' girlfriend Skylar about how she and Lars met. Lars said they met at a club he was at and her friend actually introduced them. Lars said that he was trying to look all cool and waiting for her to come up to him but it didn't happen. Howard said that he doesn't believe that she didn't know who he was when they met. Skylar claims that she really didn't know him because she's not into that kind of music.
Howard talked about the MTV Music Video Awards and how he screwed up Metallica's acceptance speech with his whole Fartman thing. Lars said that he was glad he was bringing it up because he'd never heard him talk about it before. Howard said that the audience was going nuts and the band wasn't letting them get to their acceptance speech. He said he was sorry he did that. Lars said he was glad to hear that finally. It had been 4 years since the show and he was glad that Howard was copping to it.
Howard said that he almost lost his thumb when they pulled him back up into the air at the show with those wire cables they had him hooked up to. He said that it was like a mix of a nightmare and a moment of euphoria when he was on stage as Fartman.
Howard asked Lars about the band and how the record companies have tried to change them over the years. Lars said that they were going out and performing these songs and looking like a mess and they were asked to change their look to fit in but they never did do it. Howard said if he and Robin were asked to do that, they would have caved in right away.
Howard told Lars about how he used their album to get pumped up for scenes that he was shooting for his movie. He played some of their new songs off the new album ''Load.'' Howard got sidetracked by Skylar. He asked her a few more questions and took a guess at what Lars might be worth. He said that it's probably 80 million but Lars said that was a little bit underestimated.
Howard asked if she held out a long time with Lars or if she just broke down and did it with him. Lars asked Howard what makes him think they've even gone there yet. Howard said that he knows he can't hold out that long. Skylar never did say how long she held out.
Howard asked Lars about the bass player who was in Metallica who died in a bus crash. Lars talked about that a little bit and explained how they crashed and everyone walked out except for Cliff. Lars said that they came in and told them that their bass player was dead and they were all shocked. Lars said that they just had to keep going and battle it on like they had been doing all along. He said that was back in 1986.
Howard asked Lars why he was bumming everyone out with that story. Lars told Howard that he was the one who brought it up. He said that he got kind of misty eyed when he watched the story about him dying on MTV a few years ago.
Howard played one of Metallica's songs and demonstrated how he'd bang his head if he was in the band himself. He said their new album is called ''Load'' and on the cover they have semen and blood under a microscope as the picture. Lars said it's the artist's blood and semen, not the band's. Lars said that the load on the cover has nothing to do with the name of the album. They weren't going for that when they named the album. Howard said that he's going to bring an album out and have doody on the cover and he's going to call it ''Doody.'' He said that he's going to mix doody and corn together instead of blood and semen.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he goes to school with Skylar. He claims that she dated OJ Simpson but she said she can't cop to that. Lars said he didn't know anything about that. Skylar said that she didn't date him but the caller said that's the rumor at school. She said she's heard that story herself but she never did date the guy. Howard asked her if he ever tried to cut her head off. Lars got a laugh out of that.
Howard played more of Metallica's ''Sad But True'' and sang along to it. He said that he'd love to perform on stage with them sometime. Lars said they could probably make that happen sometime.
Howard said he wanted to play their new single. Lars figured that the record company told him to do that and he really didn't have to. Howard went ahead and played some of the new song but ended up asking Lars some more questions about his first wife and what went wrong there. Lars talked about that a little bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the lead singer of Pantera was recently bad mouthing Metallica at a show. Lars said that they used to be a glam band and used to dress up like Motley Crue when they'd come to their shows in the past. He said he likes to talk about that once in a while.
Another phone caller asked Lars about a possible murder charge he had in his life. Lars said that wasn't true either. Howard said that Skylar had a look on her face like she didn't know what they were talking about. Lars said that they have all kinds of rumors about them that go around. He said that people claim they're heroin addicts and things like that but they don't do that kind of stuff. Lars said he doesn't even smoke weed because it makes him paranoid. He said he does drink though.
Howard played more of ''King Nothing'' off the new Metallica album. He told Lars that this music isn't for broads either. He said it's for men. He played a couple of other tracks and said that the music makes him nuts.
Gary came in and told Howard that everyone on the phone wants to talk to Lars about all kinds of different things. Howard ended up banging his head into the microphone while some of the music was playing. He said that he bets that OJ sharpened his knife to that music. He said he wants to eat Kathie Lee's afterbirth when he hears some of their music. That's how crazy this music makes him.
Howard told Lars that he wants to do some male bonding stuff with him after he hears their music. He played another one of their songs and said he was all pumped up from that. He said it was making him nuts and angry though. Lars said that's what it's supposed to do. Howard wrapped up a short time later.