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Howard said he was watching the news and he saw that in Brazil they were trying to over throw the government like they did here. He said now the people down there are having their own January 6th on January 8th. He said it's Steve Bannon and people like that telling them to just say the elections are rigged and try to take over. He said that's what's going on around the world. He said it's like the asshole world tour. He said it's very weird.
Howard said he didn't watch the Prince Harry interview on 60 Minutes but he heard it's really boring. He said that's what JD told him. He said it's the same thing over and over. He said the new revelation is that he fought with his brother. Robin said his brother attacked him. Howard said he's so glad he never had a brother. He said there's always one that beats up the other. He said that's what happens and that's it. He said his brother beat him up and his father did something wrong. He had some revelation about him too. Robin said he claims that he's not his son. He said it was someone else's son. Howard said that's terrible to do to him but it's probably true. He said he should have his DNA tested. He said just find out if it's true. Robin said that would be terrible to joke around about him not being his son.
Howard said this week he wants to get to stuff from Christmas. He said they're already into January. He said so many people beloved when he had a seance and contacted the comics up in heaven. He said people want to hear him do that again. He said he's going to do that.
Howard said he's going to contact a bunch of comics right now. He did his summoning of the comics. Fake Joan Rivers, Bernie Mac, Norm Macdonald and Rodney Dangerfield all came back to comment on the new year.
Howard said hi to everyone and then talked to Rodney about how things have been for him. He asked Joan for some new years resolutions. Joan said she just wants to blow a guy. She told Howard how dry her vagina is.
Howard talked to Norm about how much he misses him. He asked him for some new years resolutions. Norm said his are to continue being dead.
Howard said people wrote in about Bernie Mac. Bernie asked why people want him to lose weight and stop drinking if it's already dead.
Howard said the reason they wanted to talk to them is because they wanted to talk to Kanye West and his anti-Semitic comments. He got the dead comics to talk about that. Norm asked why he sees him on TV all the time if the Jews run the media.
Howard talked to Joan about coming to his wedding and sitting at the same table as Donald Trump. He asked Norm about Brittney Griner.
Howard went through some other news stories with the comics. He talked about Nick Cannon's many kids with the comics. They all had jokes about that. They all talked over each other as usual when they do bits like this.
Joan said she saw Rodney's balls and she's actually getting wet. She said her vagina is so wet that beavers are building a dam in it. Everyone was talking over each other again. Howard had lost control at this point.
Howard said he's going to say goodbye now. He said there they go. He played them off. He said now that's comedy. He said that's a comedy line up like you'll never see.
Howard said you have to miss those comics. Robin said they were some of the greatest of all time.
Howard said his father died this summer and he knocked him right in the head with a silver hammer. He said he wants that to make sure he's dead. Robin said it could really hurt or injure you. Howard said he'd rather have that than be buried alive.
Howard said he read about PornHub doing a review of people's porn habits. He said he loves this. He said the staff of PornHub gives an in depth review of people's habits. He said this is one of the people from PornHub giving the review. Howard said he likes the dialog in porn and he has to raise the volume because the audio is so off. He said he thinks he might have to wear headphones to do it. He said he listens to it quietly so he can hear the door if someone knocks on it.
Howard said this is Aria from PornHub. He played the clip and Aria talked about when people watch and things like that. She had music playing behind her. Howard said they're saying Sunday is the most popular day. Monday at 11pm is the highest traffic day. Aria read about hand jobs being the most popular thing to watch. Howard said they also said cream pies are popular. He said it's disgusting. He said he's not even sure exactly what it is. He said there's a jerking off category and JD likes that.
JD said a cream pie is where you cum and then the woman lets it ooze out. He said you just see it. He said he's not into that. Howard said he isn't either. He said he doesn't even like when a woman spits on a guy's penis. He said he makes no sense but he isn't into that. He said he doesn't even like seeing penis in porn. He said he'd rather just see women.
Howard said he was watching some porn yesterday and this woman was so hot. He said she doesn't even look like she belongs in porn. He said these lesbians were kissing each other's knees and foreheads. He said he had to fast Howard through all of that until the got into more. He said he has never seen licking knees before. He said he doesn't think they were real lesbians.
Howard asked JD what a masturbation video is. JD said it's just a woman masturbating. Howard said that's boring to him. He said he's not sure what a hand job video is either. JD said he's watched that. He said it's just a woman jerking a guy off. He said he can think about him being in that position. He said that he can imagine her doing it to him. Howard said he has a good imagination then. He said he can't imagine that at all.
Howard said this cream pie thing is disgusting. He said he can't believe that's a popular thing. JD said it's also the risk of getting the woman pregnant and things like that.
Howard said he thinks Benjy said that he's into those videos. He said he thinks maybe he said that he just likes eating cream pies. Howard asked Benjy why he's into it. Benjy said that's what sex is supposed to be. He said he likes the idea that the woman may get pregnant from it. He said that's hot to him. Howard said wow. He said he isn't into that. He said he's not thinking about getting a woman pregnant. Benjy said there's something hot as hell about that. Howard said he's a weirdo.
JD said that there are breeding videos and the women tell the guy they want to get pregnant. Benjy said sometimes that's a bi-racial thing. He said it's a black man being asked to knock up the wife.
Howard said he has to start this audio over again. He had Aria reading all of the details for when people are watching and what they're watching. Robin said Howard is going to fast. She asked why she's talking so fast. Howard said that's porn. Robin asked what scissoring is. Howard said that's two lesbians rubbing their vaginas together. He said he really doesn't know. He said he just jerks off. JD said that it's the two women rubbing with their legs split. Howard said he likes that. JD said it's okay. He said it's okay when women are into that. Howard said he likes when women go down on each other.
JD said he likes boy girl and a blow job. He said he likes a girl bouncing her ass on a dick.
Howard answered a knock on the door and it was the woman from PornHub giving more details. The impression wasn't that close to Aria. She was slurring her words but giving Howard's information out about what he watches. Howard asked if they're spying on him. Fake Aria said they are. She gave more details about what Howard is watching.
Howard asked why they chose her to be the person at PornHub. He said she's very difficult to understand. She said she's very eloquent.
Howard asked what JD's details are. Fake Aria gave his details and said he's busy on PornHub from Monday to Sunday. She said he's a real creep and he cums 3-5 times a day. JD kept saying alright already and tried to get her to stop with the details.
Howard said he feels so invaded. He said they have stats on everyone. Howard asked if they have information on President Biden as well. She went into details about him and Trump as well.
Howard let fake Aria go and thanked her for checking in. He said that he got into this thing about trying to avoid prostate cancer. He said he knows he has to cum way more than his wife can do. He said he has to do it on his own. Robin said he has to say he's doing it for medical reasons. He said he is. He said that's exactly right. He said he and his wife had sex last Friday or so. He said that he wanted to jerk off on Saturday. He said they say you should jerk off like 27 times a month. He said he can't do it every day. He said he has nothing left in the tank. He said he had sex maybe Thursday. He said Friday he masturbated no problem. He said he had to do it again on Saturday before he visited his mom. He said that would make him more chill. He said his mom says some stuff that sets him off so he has to be relaxed. He said he wasn't able to cum on Saturday. He said he was rubbing it for like a half hour and getting raw. He said he's so happy when he gets it out.
Howard said he is so neurotic when it comes to health. He said he doesn't want prostate cancer. He said his dad died from that technically. He said he's just trying to keep from getting it. He said he'd like to bang his wife through his 70s. He said he's sure she won't want to do that at 80. He said that he was trying to masturbate but he wasn't able to do it on Saturday. He said his penis didn't let him do it. Robin asked how long he tried to do it. Howard said there are times he blames the porn. He said that sometimes he'll bail and try something new. He said he watches a lot of girls who are coerced into having sex with dudes. He said he watches babysitter porn too. He said he likes it when people are under pressure to have sex. He said he likes casting couch sex but there's not a lot of that anymore.
Howard talked about how he likes real estate porn. He said that's when a woman is showing off a house and a she wants to have sex with the guy she's showing it to. He said the woman is showing off the house and then she ends up blowing him to buy the house. He said these are things he wouldn't want in real life but in porn he enjoys it. Robin said she doesn't get that.
Howard said he loves step brother and sister and even step mom stuff. He said he likes that. He said he loves lesbian stuff. He said that he likes the massage videos too. Robin asked when he has time for anything else. Howard said he has too many categories. He said he likes it when a woman goes in for a massage. He said that they get right into it too soon though. He said he likes it when they resist.
Howard said it sounds like people aren't into what he's into based on that clip they listened to. He said there's a lot of stuff he won't watch that people are into. He said it would be funny if he had a video where he had to convince Robin to have sex with him. He said it's stuff like that. He said it would be weird to jerk off before you go to see your mom. He said on Thursday he'll be 69. He said it's hard to believe. He said he's embarrassed to be that old. He said it sucks.
Howard said he doesn't know. He said he used to be such a kid in radio. He said he was a bad ass. Robin said they were kids. Howard said it's really weird. He said he's an old guy and he feels like a little kid because he has to go take care of his mother. He said he should be an orphan by now. Robin said she knows a lot of people who have parents in their 90s. Howard said he just talked to Lou about his mom and she's 103. He said that sounds like fun.
Howard said Beth came with him to visit his mom. He said his mom has gotten really weird. He said she has this thing for Beth. He said she looks at her like he wishes she would look at him. He said its the weirdest thing. He said she won't look at him. He said she calls Beth her angel. He said then she gazes at Beth and says she's so happy he's married to her.
Howard said his mother does this other weird thing. He said when he got famous she was the one who would be so supportive of what he was when he was younger and how she knew he was special. He said that she was very supportive of what he was doing when he got into advertising and all of that. He said she has this weird thing where she takes credit for people's careers. Howard said his mother said she told Emily to become a rabbi. He said she takes credit for all of these things. He said she will say that and then put herself down first. He said she will say that she told him to be on radio. She said that she is the one who told him to do this stuff. He said she takes credit for all of this stuff.
Howard said all of the people who can't figure out what to do she won't take credit for. He said she did admit to one mistake. He was doing his impression of her the whole time he was talking about her. Howard said his mother did say that she was wrong about how women never look like they do in Playboy because he did marry Beth.
Howard said his mother is also putting him down in front of Beth. He said his mother tells the story about how his teachers never saw anything exceptional with him when he was in school. He said she goes on and on about how there was nothing worthwhile there. Howard said he blew up at her over that. He said he went off on her about where they were living and how he was getting beat up every day. He said he was fighting with a 95 year old woman over this stuff.
Howard said Beth loves that his mother is so in love with her but even she sees that she's way more in love with her than she is with him. Robin said they're never going to get better about that. She said she can't figure it out. She said they say you get wiser when you get older but that's not happening with her. Howard said his mom seems to think he should be humble. He said he thinks that she's afraid that he'll leave her if he becomes too much of a big shot. He said she has to take him down a notch. Robin said it's like Meghan Markel's family and what they do to her. She said they're getting the opposite of what they want though.
Howard said he watched the movie The Whale with Brendan Fraser and the movie is so great. He said it's like the fantasy of a family that can see who you are. He said he cried like a baby. He said he had real tears. He said sometimes he thinks he's crying but has no tears but this made him cry. He said that was incredibly moving. He said Beth wasn't crying but he was. He said The Whale and To Leslie were really good. He said they're the two best movies he's seen this year. He said he cries like once every 20 years so that was a big deal to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it seems like his mom is giving Beth the love that she never was able to give him as a kid. Howard said it does. He said his mother was talking about the first time she saw Beth and how she went over to her and said she can size people up and she saw that she's a giver and she knows that she's a giver because she's a giver too.
Howard said every time they visit his mom she tells that same story. He said she will start it and they fill in some of the details that they've heard so many times already. Howard said Beth lived a charmed life and she doesn't need that praise. He said he's the one who needs that praise.
Howard said there are people who get him gifts and they don't even like him that much. He said he has to get them gifts too. He said he thinks there are some who really like him but he's not even sure. He said Jimmy Kimmel loves people and he loves cooking. He said he hates cooking himself so he doesn't get why Jimmy would like him. He said it doesn't make sense. He said he just assumes it's because he's famous.
Howard said last year Chris Wilding got him a message from Dr. Now from My 600 Pound Life. Howard said he listened to this and thanked him. He said it's the greatest gift ever. He said this guy Dr. Now is the greatest. He said he has an accent that's very hard to understand. He said that you don't even know what he's saying. He said he has to say thanks to Chris. He asked what gave him that idea last year. Chris said that if you ask Mariann she'd say that it was her idea. He said that he didn't remember that but he likes the guy's voice and he happened to be on there. He said he thought it would be so cool if he read something he wrote. Howard said Chris wrote it and he doesn't understand what he's even saying.
Howard said Dr. Now wasn't even born here. He said he puts zero effort into the Cameos. He said he does no pre-read and he doesn't work on the names. He said it's pure Dr. Now. Chris said he does it on the first take. Howard asked what it costs to get one of those. Chris said the price went down and he had a coupon. He said he got it for $166. Howard asked what it was last year. Chris said it was like 200 or more. Robin asked where he got the coupon. Chris said he just Googled it.
Howard asked how he writes the whole thing. Chris said he wanted him to say funny things but you only have 250 characters. He said he thinks he could go a lot crazier than he has. He said he isn't vetting anything he's reading.
Howard said Dr. Now's real name is Dr. Younan Nowzaradan. Chris did an impression of him saying his own name. Howard played the message that Dr. Now read to him for the holidays. Dr. Now was even harder to understand than when Chris does his impression of him.
Howard was trying to interpret what Dr. Now had just read. They were going through the lines and talking about how he botched it all. Howard said for that kind of money you'd think he'd go back and do it over again.
Howard played last year's message too. They were talking about how he had messed up Grogu and Yoda's names.
Howard said he seems to run out of steam when he's reading that stuff. Chris said he must come home from work sucking fat out of people and then do these reads.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who is still upset with Chris for stealing her idea. She said that she was the one who did it originally. She said she got Tammy Slayton from 1000 Pound Sisters to get him a message. She said she's sick so she can't do it yet. She said Chris is an asshole for stealing her idea. Howard said Chris should get Tammy next year. Chris said he's going to continue to get the Dr. Now messages. Robin asked if Mariann wrote the message she wanted him to read. Mariann said she did. She said it's hard to write something in 250 characters. Mariann said that he's copying her. She said he doesn't have an original thought in his head.
Howard said he loves Chris. Mariann kept going off on him. Everyone was talking over each other as usual when there's more than a couple of people on together.
Howard played the message that Mariann got him from Dr. Now. Howard chuckled as he was listening to that message. Howard said that was good too. Robin said you can put anything in his mouth and it comes out funny. Chris said he has to push it farther next year. He said he wants him to say some crazy stuff.
Howard said he thought they were going to play a game where they tried to get celebrities to say horrible things. Chris said they got them to say some really horrible things. Howard said he thinks they did it and they had an issue with consent. He said that they read most of what they asked them to but they had some legal issue. Robin said then they started thinking too much.
Howard took a call from fake AnneMarie from Queens who was a Mariann from Brooklyn impersonator. She was going off on Chris as well. Howard let her go pretty quick.
Howard said he was thinking of Chris this weekend. He said one of his gay friends came over and he's recently single. He said he asked if he knew anyone and he told him he does. Chris said he knows who he's talking about because Ralph brings him up and he dangles him over his head and then never does anything for him. Howard said he did tell this guy he knows someone and then Ralph told him that he doesn't want him to have Chris. Howard said he thinks Ralph doesn't want to share him with anyone. Chris said that's like the plot to Great Expectations. Chris said that's pretty fucked up when you think about it. He said that Howard should be able to introduce them. Howard said he's not sure if he's his type. Chris said he's seen pictures and he is his type. Howard said he's one of his favorite people. Chris said this is very interesting. He said there's something going on with Ralph. Howard said you'd think that Ralph is in love with Chris but we know he's 100 percent heterosexual.
Howard thanked Chris for the Cameo. Chris did his impression of Dr. Now reading his message again. Chris said that Beth cutting Pebble's nails are really wild. Howard said they have a video up on her Instagram to show people how to cut cat nails. He said it is mind blowing. He said the cat makes so many noises and Beth goes right into it. He said she's amazing with animals. Howard let Chris go after that.
Robin said that Howard congratulates Chris at this time of year and Mariann stays angry with him through the whole year and then she makes up and then this happens again. Howard said it's fascinating.
The caller, Mike, said that Mariann was brutal today calling Chris a cock sucker. Howard said Mariann is a very attractive woman and she said that she would fuck him if she could. Howard said Mike did think her language was a little bit vulgar today.
Howard took a call from a guy, Joe, who asked if he'd do a dial-a-date for his gay friend. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said that he thinks that if Chris ended up with this guy Ralph would be so upset. He said that he can see them hitting it off but what does he know. He said this guy is the loveliest guy on the planet and he can see them getting together. He said he's going to let Ralph call the shot there.
Howard said he told you about PornHub earlier. He said he was curious about what jack off videos were. He said this is what they are. He said they say that Baby Boomers enjoy them. He said there are jerk off instruction videos too. He said a woman comes on and tells you how to jerk off. He said he has never watched that. He said it's too bossy. He said she yells at you to hurry up and jerk off. He said he doesn't want to be rushed.
JD said he has enough anxiety and he doesn't need that. Howard played an example of that porn where this woman is demanding that you finish in 10 seconds. She counts down and tells you to finish.
Howard said that reminds him of a movie where they're trying to stop a bomb from going off. He said it's the countdown thing. He said you feel like a failure if you don't finish. JD said with that woman she just got topless. He said that was called ''Bratty Girl at Party Lets You Jerk Off'' or something. He said she just rushes you so you can go to the party. He said you don't see the guy. He said they have her talking to you in a POV kind of thing.
Howard said what's weird is that Fred counts him down when he jerks him off too. He said he has to get him to stop that. Fred played some music and Howard did the countdown.
Howard asked Robin what the biggest dip in viewership is for PornHub. Robin said she's going to say it's Christmas day. Howard said it's actually not Christmas. He said it's New Year's Eve. He said that's when people are out trying to find a real person. Robin said she figured it was a house full of people that would cut it down.
Howard said the number one search word is ''reality'' on PornHub. Howard asked JD what that is. JD said it's a reality show kind of thing. He said it might be a real world situation kind of thing. He said it's still fake.
Howard said they print out a map of the states and they have what people are into in those states. He said Dominican porn was more popular in New York than any other state. He said in Florida they have ''big black cock'' as the most searched for term. Howard said that's wild.
Howard said in Michigan they search for ''sucking dick'' so they should make that the state motto. He said Texas has the word ''panties'' as the biggest search. He said in Wisconsin they have ''pegging'' as the most searched for term. He said that should be their motto. He said that ''hairy pussy'' looks like it's in Pennsylvania. He said that's weird. He said in California it's ''Asian.'' He said it's incredible research they do over there.
Howard answered a knock at the door and he had fake Andrew Dice Clay going off on the instruction videos. Howard let him do that for a few seconds before cutting him off.
Robin said that the kid who played Dennis the Menace didn't even want to talk about the show.
Howard read some stuff about Adam Rich and the issues he had. He said he was saddened to see that he had such a tough life. He said he thinks he didn't grow much and he was still like a little kid. He said that Gary Coleman was like that. He said he stayed small. Robin said he had kidney problems. She said she never understood Emmanuel Lewis not growing.
Howard asked what happened. Brian said he had sex when he was able to 12 weeks after the surgery. He said he has some vision but he can't see the best. He said his son was home from school and he busted him whacking off. He said his son is 16 so it was embarrassing. Howard asked if he accidentally fucked his son. Brian said he did not. Howard said life is tough.
Howard said he has to go. Brian said that he has issues with his dad. Howard said he's got to get out of this. Brian said the surgery fucked up his penis. Howard said he broke it and they put it back together and now he can't have sex at all. Brian said it's like being in the Wack Pack. Howard said he thinks it doesn't work. Brian said it doesn't. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said he probably hung up on him 2 yeas ago and he can't get through enough. He said he'll probably call back in 2 years and he'll as him the same question about walking into a wall.
Howard said he came back from visiting his mom and he needed to decompress from that. He said that his wife said that there's an alert about him. He said that she told him that he had to hear this one. Howard said he didn't want to hear about it. He said it turns out Trump was saying that on his Truth Social network he was saying that Howard Stern sucks. He said that he used to be really good when he liked him. He said think about the logic there. He said he really believes it. He said then he endorsed ''crooked Hillary.'' He said imagine the guy with the tax issues and the insurrection and all of the stuff he's been up to and this guy is still calling her Crooked Hillary.
Howard said Trump said the show got really lame once he endorsed Hillary. Howard said he asked Beth why he had to hear that. He said she felt he should know. Howard said that's so dumb that Trump would even say that. He said it's ridiculous. He said it's so funny. He said he had a good laugh over that. He said he must not be as good as Chachi.
Howard said he was kind of blown out that the Kennedy Center Honors is back. He said that Trump ended that for four years. He said that the only thing they gave out was Rush Limbaugh getting the medal of freedom. He said he didn't deserve that. Robin said it was an empty gesture.
Howard said he was fascinated with a couple of things this weekend. He said he follows Oprah. He said he thinks he's in love with her. Robin said she does too.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was a Google Alert about Howard. It said he was a douche. Howard quickly got rid of that before he could give another.
Howard said he was watching Oprah and now she's skinny again. He said she's like a shape shifter. He said this relationship with Oprah and Gayle King is so fascinating. He said you have to follow them. Robin said please don't. She said you don't need to see this.
Howard said Oprah is now into hiking and it's her thing now that she's skinny. He said she had two knee replacements and this is new to him. He said she talks about getting her new knees and it annoys the fuck out of him that she sings about having new knees.
Howard said Oprah is going to do a 10 mile gratitude hike. He said she doesn't just hike, she gratitude hikes. He said she got a posse of women to do this hike. He said she has a lot of younger women who follow her. He said that Gayle isn't in shape but she has to go on this hike. He said he's not sure what Gayle is doing with her. He said that he's more interested in her than Oprah at this point.
Howard played some audio from this video he saw Oprah doing with this hike. She asked people to give their thoughts on what they're grateful for.
Howard said he watches this stuff because it makes him cuckoo. He said he kind of wants to be on that hike. He said he and his wife went on a walk and he even announced it. He said he and his wife went on a gratitude hike. He said he saw some geese flying over and they went to see where they landed. He said he wanted to have some gratitude. He said that their hike went horribly. He said the geese were in the water and they all ran away when they showed up. He said he was impressed that Oprah was doing a 10 mile hike.
Howard played some audio of Oprah singing at the height of the hike. Oprah was out of breath but singing. Howard said he was impressed. He said he was shaking his head just like Robin is shaking her's right now. Robin said the ladies don't care what she says, the just got with it. She said she could babble something and they'll just go along with it.
Howard said Oprah seemed to be disappointed with Gayle over something. He said she finished an hour and a half after Oprah did. He said he thinks she made a deal with the devil and she is friends with Oprah but she can't surpass her. He said she constantly has to go along with Oprah. Robin said that's the laws of their friendship. Howard said at the end of the hike they all eat like crazy and it's like bread and cheese. He played more audio from that clip.
Howard said that's what he was busy watching. Robin said the should call Dr. Now and have him yell at her. Howard said Oprah looks skinny. He said he knows that.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and sang along with Man in the Box a little bit. He said that's a good song. He said they don't make them like that anymore. Robin said she's still thinking about Oprah screaming at the height of that hike. Howard said he went to pee and he peed all over the floor. He said he had to go clean the whole bathroom. He said he's like a farm animal. He said he has a regular toilet down there where his studio is. He said he has a private bathroom upstairs that has a urinal. He said he loves that. He said it's so much better than a toilet. He said he doesn't hold his penis with his hands. He said that he just holds his penis with his underwear. He said it pokes out a little bit. He said that sometimes the pee doesn't come out straight. He said this time it went to the left and his foot got wet. He said that he solved that problem with the urinal. He said that's the most manly thing about him.
Howard said the problem with being a man is getting the pee into the toilet. He said the pee will dribble or go to the left or right. He said you don't know where it will land. He said down there he doesn't have one. He said the urinal is upstairs. He said he gets close to the urinal so it all stays in there. He said it's a regular urinal. He said it's like a little one.
Howard said he has friends who come over and they're shocked he has one. He said it's cheaper than a toilet. He said it's not that expensive. He said its cleaned every day so he doesn't have to worry about having a urinal cake in it.
Howard said it's weird because he's down there cleaning up his pee. He said they have a guest powder room there and they have friends who come over and the pee ends up all over the place. He said that you have to sit down and pee. He said that if you visit someone you should sit. He said Ralph came over and he had to pee before he left so he let him in the house. He said the other guy there didn't even ask to use it. He said he didn't know where else to bring Ralph to use the bathroom. He said he just let him use this powder room. He said he told his wife he let him in there. He said he can't say no to him. He said he gave her a heads up about that. He said Beth said ''oh no.'' He said she did check and she didn't complain. He said Ralph is on good behavior there now. He said he's the worst guest. He said he loves the guy but he's the worst guest.
Howard said Ralph would come over and shower there too. He said he told him to shower at home. He said that he would say he needed a place to get ready when they'd hang out. He said he's like his Gayle King.
Howard said Norman did a show with Jon Bernthal. He said that it turns out they're big fans of the show and Norman has a horrible story about how he has never let him on the show. He said that the reason he never had him on was because he thought he was the quiet guy on the show. He said he thought he was like his character. He said he was talking about how he felt about that. He said that he had Jon on the show and he was great. He said that Jon had this idea that he didn't have him on because he sat near Beth at a movie premiere and he thinks that Beth is in love with Norman. He said he has this whole thing. He said he's kind of to blame for that. He said that he did talk about that and made something out of it. He said the truth is that he never had him come on but anyway... He has them talking about it. He said he loves Norman Reedus so he feels bad about it.
Howard played some of the audio of Jon and Norman talking about the show. Norman said he still won't have him on the show. Jon said that he thinks it has to do with him sitting near Beth that one time. Norman said that he talked to Beth about cats for like 3 minutes. He said he was so bummed about not having him on the show. He said Howard went off on the show once. Norman was talking about doing the Sirius shows around there and doing an announcement about the Stern Show and how Howard made fun of it.
Howard said he felt bad. He said he started getting upset with Baba Booey. He said that he's supposed to protect him and he's supposed to be the guy who tells guests why they're not going to come on the show. He said Gary should take the hit. He said that Gar is the one who should be taking the hit. Howard said you hear the clip and Norman says that his publicist told him that Howard doesn't want him on the show. In the clip Norman said that he ran into Baba Booey and he told his publicist that he didn't want him on the show.
Howard said Gary is supposed to be the guy to take the blame. Gary said he has never uttered those words. He said that he as never done that. He said that people do blame him for keeping them off the show. He said he has never in the history of the show told anyone that Howard doesn't want them on the show. Gary said that Norman has been through a lot of publicists and they call to get him on and maybe one of them said that. Howard said they should just have him on the show. He said they've turned him into Kevin McCarthy. Robin said they loved the show so they should have him on. Howard said it's just a weird thing. Gary said it has a lot to do with timing. Robin asked what that has to do with timing. Gary said they have a lot of guests on and they only do 3 days a week. Howard said they've been on for 50 years and have no time for Norman Reedus. He said that he begged Gary to have him on the show and Gary said no. Gary said he remembers that. Gary said he's the one who is keeping him off the show. Howard said he should have some say about Norman Reedus being on the show. Howard said he's going to quit because of Gary.
Howard said he does love Norman Reedus and his character Darryl on The Walking Dead. He said he isn't so into some of the other characters on the show but he loves Darryl. Robin said she loves some of the other characters on the show too.
Howard asked Gary Puppet to play Gary and he'll be Norman's publicist. He went back and forth with him for a minute goofing on Gary and that whole situation.
Howard asked Gary what he's saying there. Gary said he's saying that they don't say that Howard doesn't want you on the show. He said they would never say that. Howard said Norman is going to be on a new spin off of the Walking Dead. He said that he will watch that.
Howard played more of this podcast that Jon and Norman were doing. In the clip Jon was telling a story about hearing Howard and Ronnie talking about him at Sirius one morning he was there. He said he met Howard and Ronnie after hearing them talk about him as they walked by him. At the end of the story Jon said that Howard was just worried that he didn't have a job after he was killed off of The Walking Dead.
Howard said it's a tough business. He said that this Brendan Fraser is like that. He said that he's at the top of the world again. Robin said now they have a reason to have Norman on the show. Howard said unfortunately they don't have any time though.
Howard said Matt Friend does an impression of him and he does not come out of character. He said he was Howard the entire time before he was on the air. He said he was in character no matter what. Howard played some audio of them before the went on air. He was doing the impression the whole time.
Howard said High Pitch Erik was trying to glom on to Matt Friend behind the scenes. Howard played some audio of that. Erik was asking to go on tour with Matt. Matt said he'll have to see what happens there.
Howard said he has more behind the scenes. He said they almost lost Wendy before the game began. He said she was tanking up and eating a Zebra cake and started coughing and choking on it. He said this is her coughing and choking. Howard played the clip and Wendy was telling Wolfie and the guys what she was eating. Then she started to cough and choke on the cake. Wolfie told her to wash it down with a Pepsi and she'll be fine. Howard said when you eat a Zebra cake you might choke on a hoof.
Howard said last week they announced that High Pitch Erik had a microphone set up and he wasn't going to send it back. He said he had to straighten it out on the air. He said he did send it back last week. He said then he blocked everyone's phone numbers and said it was too stressful for him to do the Zoom thing. Robin asked if he's done with the show. Howard said he recognizes his worth now that they're losing so man Wack Packers. He said he's turning into a slow diva. Howard said Jeff the Drunk has quit the show too. He said a lot of people are dropping off like flies. He said that Erik is throwing his weight around.
Howard said Wolfie asked Wendy about her potty chair and she showed them what that looked like. Wendy said it was gross. She was laughing at Matt's impression of Howard. She said it looked like green river slime. Howard said he could probably stay home and let Matt do his Howard Stern thing.
Howard said Jeff the Drunk has left the show because he didn't pick up on him during the Bruce Springsteen interview. He had something to ask him. Howard said he would be curious to hear what he wanted to ask. He said he wants to know what was so important. He said he got word that Bruce is very upset that Jeff wasn't allowed on too.
Howard said before they did Hollyweird Squares they separated everyone into two rooms. He said they had Ike and Chris Russo in one room and Matt Friend and High Pitch Erik were not happy that they were in different rooms. Howard played some audio of Matt and Erik getting upset with Derek over that.
Howard said maybe High Pitch Erik doesn't have a high IQ but he has a high ego factor. He said good thing they didn't put Ike in that room. He said Erik is in love with Ike. Robin said it would have been horrible. Howard said Erik was professing his love for Ike through the entire show. He said he revealed that he came in his pants just looking at Ike. Howard played a clip where he talked about that.
Howard said Donnie Wahlberg was upset about Erik being so in love with Ike. Derek got on and said that getting the equipment back from Erik was like a hostage situation. He said that he was getting demands from him over the whole thing. He said he was making demands from him or he won't send it back. He said that he finally got it back and then he blocked them all. He said that may be the last they hear from him for a while. Howard said you have to give it to him for putting up with that. Howard said the video of the segment is up on the app now.
Howard said some fans wrote in about the guy who said his house was haunted. He said the fans were saying they want more of him. He said there are people saying that he's for real and he documents his haunted house stuff. He said that he watched some stuff but he doesn't think he has ghosts. He said something is going on in that house though. He said in this clip Matt was freaking out about seeing a doll's arm move. Howard asked the guys if they watched this at all. Jason said he did and he thinks it's just Matt's reaction to stuff that makes people think they're seeing something. He said he saw nothing when he watched the videos. Howard said he wants to think there are ghosts but he still hasn't seen anything.
Howard said the fans loved hearing them reviewing Fred's bachelor party story. He said people loved the guy who called in about his genital warts. He read some feedback about that. The fans were asking for him to return to the show and give them an update on what he tells his wife. Howard said he'd like to know too.
Howard said the fans wrote in about Fred the Elephant Boy passing. He said that Bobo's tribute to Elephant Boy sounded way too scripted according to the fans. Howard read through some of that feedback.
Howard said he has a full clip of Bobo's tribute to Elephant Boy. He said it's very long though. He said it's over 2 minutes long. Robin said Bobo has no emotions. She said he has to figure out what people do when something happens and that's what this is. Howard played the clip of Bobo reading his tribute to Elephant Boy. Bobo was obviously reading his statement and it came across as very stiff and there was no emotion there. Howard laughed as he listened to it.
Howard did his Luca Brasi impression from The Godfather since that's what Bobo sounded like in that clip. Then Howard had Fred play the Luca Brasi clip from the movie.
Howard said Luca was his hit man for the mob. He said you know the guy is going to get caught. He said he's not sure how you trust him. Robin said he did get killed as soon as they asked him to do a job.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that stuff comes to him during the day and he has to write it down. He said that he does have emotion. Robin said they learned that he has no recollection of conversation he had with Elephant Boy but he just knows he was at events and he saw him a few times. Bobo said he didn't have real conversations with him. He said he didn't say he knew him real well. Howard said he should have said that in the statement.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Bobo's wife who had her own statement for Bobo. She went through the statement about what a dope Bobo is. She was going on and on about how horrible it's been being married to him.
Howard said that was some statement. He said that Bobo went back to therapy because of the show. Bobo said he is listening more now that he's in therapy. He said he's so used to Howard being in his life for 30 years that it's hard to change. He said he's trying to process things more. Robin said Bobo is retired now. Bobo said he retired in 2009. He said he continues to do the safety thing now because he has passion for it.
Howard let Bobo go and Fred was doing his Bobo puppet thing and had him asking dopey questions.
Howard said Bobo's cameos run 7 minutes and 18 seconds on average. He said you get what you pay for there.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who asked why he called him a diva. Howard said he always threatens not to come on the show. He said he's always making big announcements. Howard said he blocked half the staff's numbers. He said he is a diva. Erik said he won't be able to do anything for 3 months after his surgeries. He said he's getting carpel tunnel surgery on both of his arms. Howard asked how he has that. Erik said he keeps dropping stuff because it's so bad. Howard said Erik does nothing so he's not sure how he has that. Erik said he can't even jerk off with carpel tunnel. Howard said he must really have a problem then. He said most guys can keep jerking off no matter what problem they have. Erik said Debbie is coming in May so he's not sure what he's going to do.
Erik said that he loves some of the videos that Beth has on her Instagram. He said that he saw one where Beth showed her stomach and it was very cute. Howard asked if Erik has jerked off to Ike Barinholtz since he was on with him. Erik said he does look at his pictures. He said he is very cute. He said he looks better than Mark Wahlberg. Howard asked who the hottest guy is out there. Erik said Jimmy Kimmel is off his list. He said that Jimmy is out of the picture. Howard asked why that is. Erik said he's off his radar. He said he would have to go with Ike, Donnie and John Stamos. Howard asked if he follows them on Instagram. Erik said yes.
Howard asked who he thinks he has a better chance of being with. Erik said he thinks that Ike was looking at him with that eye on Hollyweird Squares. He said that he thinks it's Ike.
Howard asked who the best looking weather men are in TV. Erik said it has to be Lonnie Quinn and Mike Woods from FOX 5. Howard said he still claims he's heterosexual after all of this. Erik said yes. Howard said he likes that he sticks with his story.
Howard asked Erik if he was locked in a room with Ike Barinholtz and Emily Ratajkowski which one would he want to have sex with? Erik said he doesn't think that Emily would be into him so he'd go with Ike.
Howard asked Erik about being locked in a room with Kendall Jenner, Margot Robbie, Taylor Swift and John Stamos, who would he be with. Erik went with Taylor Swift. He said she's fucking hot. He said he's always loved her. Howard said how about Taylor or Ike Barinholtz. Erik said it's still Taylor. Howard said high marks for Taylor Swift. He said he's surprised. He asked why he wants to fuck her in the ass. Erik said she has a great ass. He said it's really tight. Howard asked if he knows she doesn't have a penis. Erik said he does. Howard said now he's confused. He let Erik go after that. He said that really shocked him.
Howard said Nikki is a very attractive girl and she's very funny as well. He said she has a buddy who is really into Nikki. He said this guy told him that he'd like to fuck her. He said guys go crazy for her.
Howard said if Nikki did the show he can't blame her. He said the show is a hit show. He said he gets it. He said he wouldn't be shocked to hear that. He said it's just that there are a lot of people who appear on the show who are desperate for attention. He said it's a sad show business story.
Howard said he's not sure who else has been on. Andrew said that Shatner was on at the start of the season. He said Nikki is a really good singer too. He said she got near the finals of the show. Howard said it is a number 1 show. He said good for her. He said good for Nick too. He said he put that show together. He said he'd like to hear Nikki sing. He has some audio of Lenny Dykstra hitting on her when they were on together.
Howard said was trying to do a show and Mark the Bagger was coming on to her. He played some audio of that too. Howard asked if she has a boyfriend. Robin said she's not sure what her status is. Howard said he liked her story about blowing Bobby Bones. He said that guy dumped her. He said that was a great story.
JD said he thinks that Nikki has a boyfriend right now. He said she had him on her reality show. He said that she's trying to become a real singer and she had surgery done on her vocal chords. He said he saw a story about it and something was going on with her throat so she had surgery. Howard said he'd love to hear her singing. He said maybe she should stick to comedy though.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was a fake Mark the Bagger talking about Nikki and jerking off to her as he talked about that.
Howard closed the door on fake Mark. Robin had a list of some of the people who were on The Masked Singer. She ran down a list of names. Howard said there are a lot of people who are desperate on that list.
Howard said he liked that Mark the Bagger impression so much he has to hear more of it. He got fake Mark back on and had him talking more about jerking off to Nikki Glaser. He let him go after a few more seconds of that. Howard said they need that guy and not the real Mark the Bagger. Howard said he has to go. He let Andrew go and Andrew wished him a happy birthday. Howard said he's not celebrating that. He said he's getting scared there. Howard was talking about how good looking Robin is now. He said she doesn't look her age at all. Robin said that we prop ourselves up in the best way we can. Howard said she's looking really good. He said she must have a stylist or something. Robin said heck no. Howard said he has Ralph. He said that's why he looks so good.
Howard said he remembers walking in there for the first time and how excited everyone was. He said it has been great being there. He said the stock has gone up .0001 percent since they got there. He said it's gone through the roof. He said they're all ahead of the game. He wrapped up the show around 10:35am.
Howard said Eric Andre has been on the show many times and there's a picture of him walking around with Emily Ratajkowski. He said he's dating her apparently. He said that a lot of hot chicks are doing this now and not dating the best looking guys. They're going out with the funny guys and he likes this trend. He said now comedians are the new hot guys. Robin said it used to be rock stars and now it's the funny guys.
Howard said Emily is smiling so she must be enjoying him. He said he has a smile on his face that looks like he won the lottery. He said look at the smile on his face. Robin said it does look like he won the lottery. Howard said that's what he just said. He said he told the guys to get Eric on the phone. Robin said he won't talk to them. She said he would want to tell them everything but he won't want to until it's over. Howard said he has always been an open book. He said he showed his penis the first time he was on the show. He said he will say he has a big dick. He said 2023 is for funny guys to be the new fashion accessory for hot women.
Howard said his father told him that he didn't write clearly enough. He said he was told he didn't need brains for that. He said he was told to just sit quiet and he'd get an A in some class. He said his mother said to Beth the other day that there was nothing special about him as a child. He said his mother told Beth that she loves her so much. He said she told her that right in front of him. He said he had to be told to calm down when he went off on his mother telling her that he was being beaten up in school every day so it was hard for him.
Howard said he can't believe that his parents kept him in that school. He said he had to go out and perform at old age homes to do his puppet show. He said his mother started giving his father the credit for that. He said that he never did shit in the entertainment business. He said he got so worked up over that so much that he wasn't able to sleep. He said he can't fathom putting them in a bad neighborhood. He said that every other parent knew to leave that place to get their kids a better education. He said that they always said they weren't afraid of back people. He said they weren't in school with him. He said he was the one white guy and no one was too thrilled with him. He said it was too much to handle.
Howard said he hears these rappers talking about the 'hood but he went to a real school in the 'hood. He said it was tough. He said there were guys there who didn't go to play a sport, they went to prison. He said they were all in gangs and all of that. He said it was tough. He said he had the shit in your pants gang. He said he had no gang affiliation. He said his colors were brown in his underwear.
Howard said he had one friend named Alan who was friends with him but they both got beaten over that. He said his mother finally announced they were leaving and his father said it was because of him. He said it was because he was getting the shit beaten out of him. Howard said they moved to Rockville Centre and they ended up making more money selling that place than they could have from anywhere else. He said his father didn't thank him for that. He said they put 50 grand into that and got 700 or 800,000 from that house.
Howard said he was dreaming of this new neighborhood he could live in and he was hoping to live in Merrick. He said it was lily white and no one would hate him there. He said he was going to have a great life there. Then his mother came home and said they were looking in Freeport. He said that was just like Roosevelt. He said they had a few more white people there but not many. He said there were maybe 10 instead of 1.
Howard said he was doomed to go to the same neighborhood. He said he was asking to move out of state. He said his mother would have moved them to Compton. He said he was cursed. He said they went to look at a house in Merrick. He said he asked them to do that for him. He said he was 15 or 16 at the time. Robin said he shouldn't have known about that at the time. Howard said he knew where these other kids moved to. He said he heard about Jericho and places like that. He said he was a white guy and he didn't know why he wasn't living there. He said his parents were very liberal and he admires that about them. He said that his mother hated white people. He said she thought they were hypocrites. He said they all moved to lily white communities and didn't live with black people. He said he asked her to be more like white people. He said he was the one fighting the battle. He said it's great that she thinks that but it was dangerous in that school.
Howard said he had to get to Merrick. He said that he knew this girl, Rita, and if he got to that neighborhood she could have helped him make friends. He said that his father came home one day from looking at houses in Merrick and they were expensive and needed a lot of work. He said they were complaining about what they had seen. He said his father was upset with him over the whole thing. He said what pressure. He said they looked at a house in Merrick and it was too much money. He said it would have been 50 grand plus another 10 or 15 grand to update it.
Howard said they came home and let him know that they were moving to Rockville Centre. He said that he didn't know where that was. He said he looked it up and found out that they hate the Jews there. He said they don't let the Jews into the golf club there. He said it was on the border of Baldwin which was like Roosevelt. He said that he wondered what the fuck was with these two. He said he was more of an outcast there than he was in Roosevelt. He said that they hated him there. He said they blamed him for killing Jesus.
Howard said he's taking care of his mother and his father, rest in peace. He said he got them top of the line stuff. He said his mother calls Beth her best friend. He said that's how she appreciates him. He said she tells Beth he was not exceptional in school. He said he has to talk to his psychiatrist all of this later. Robin said look what he did with what he was given.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she grew up in Rockville Centre when Howard did. She said when they went to Roosevelt for football games they had to have a police escort. Howard said this is what he's telling you. He said you had to have a police escort in there. Howard said his mother had to put him there. He said she wasn't afraid but he was.
Howard said he remembers Roosevelt played a football team and they had a rumble there. He said they were all using knives against each other. He said he didn't hang around for that. He said he did a mad dash home from school every day.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about someone who he was friends with in Roosevelt and asked if there were women that he was into there. Howard said he was way into this girl named Judy. He said she had this giant afro and she was very skinny. He said he likes his girls with a big afro and big titties. He said he tried to go after her but she laughed at him. He said she asked if he was coming on to her and he said he was. He said she didn't want to get the shit beat out of her over that.
Howard said he and his friend Alan were walking home from school and a group of kids cam over to them and beat the shit out of both of them. He said it was a lot of kids to fight. He said they were good fighters. He said then Alan gave up on him. He said he couldn't do it anymore. He said he'd go home and never tell her that he got beaten up. He said his mother was never phased by it. He said he's not sure what's wrong with her.
Howard said he knew it would be trouble if he told his parents. He said that he was being shaken down for money every day. He said he had his lunch money and they wanted that. He said they'd steal his food if he didn't give them money. He said he had his lunch stolen from him. He said that was humiliating alone. He said it was like going to prison. He said his mother said he never excelled academically. He said how dare she. He said he had people shaking him down and robbing him.
Howard said his mother went to the dean of boys there and this guy was supposed to try to calm them down. He said that his mother went to tell Mr. Heck what was going on and he thought this was going to get him killed. He said this kid came into his class and asked if he was the one who told on him. He said he told him that it wasn't him. He said he was getting yelled at by this kid and then the teacher threw a piece of chalk at him, not the other kid. He said he told the kid that he didn't tell and he stuck to that. He said he got off the hook for that. He said if he had told him that he did tell on him he's pretty sure he wouldn't be around right now.
Howard said he was so traumatized by all of this that he was more scared of the white people than the black people. He said he was so far behind academically. He said that he had to talk in class if he wanted to pass. He said he wasn't able to do that. He said they didn't give a shit if he passed or not. He said he was fucked up. He said his father told him that he just had to get it together and deal with it. He said he slammed his fist down over that.
Howard said he had a lot of good times. Robin said she had a bad childhood but she doesn't dwell on it. Howard said he gets angry about it to this day. He said he can't fathom how you do that to a kid. Robin said you can't so why not just give it up. She said this isn't helping him have a good life. Howard said you should try being bitter. He said it gives you a good full day. He said it keeps you busy. He said he has no time to worry about anything today. He said he's busy with the past.
Howard said he had a crazy upbringing. He said his mother said it's good because he'd have nothing to talk about on radio if she didn't do it. Howard said he should move on and not dwell on it. Robin said she's not enraged like Howard is about her childhood. Howard said she is very evolved. He said there's no one like her on this planet.
Howard said Robin is one of a kind. Robin said she is not. She said a lot of people can move on. She said you can't do anything about the past. She said that's where it belongs. She said the only people keeping it present are the ones who were caught up in the whole thing and can't let it go.
Howard said he has something called Misery Memory Walks instead of Gratitude walks. He said Beth has to hear a lot of that stuff. He said Beth wants him to walk faster now but he can't do it at his age. He said he's not the same guy he used to be. He said he's trying to keep up. He said last night she had all processed foods for dinner and then had some Reese's pretzels. He said they're covered in chocolate and peanut butter. He said she eats yogurt in the morning. He said she doesn't eat a good brand. He said she eats the most processed brand.
Howard took a call from fake Jon Benet Ramsey who told Howard about her awful childhood. Howard lasted about 5 seconds with that.
Howard said he was watching this Prince Harry interview and he has nothing to whine about. He said he has things to be upset about but not this Prince Harry. He said he gets money and hot chicks for doing nothing. He said he has to watch this guy because it's like he met that woman Meghan Markle and she has him under a spell. Robin said she's not sure about that. She said that it seems like it was a fairy tale that the boys got along before Meghan. She said that William was treated differently than Harry. She said that he will be king and Harry is just around in case something happens to William. Robin said they were treated differently and no one talks to them about their mother dying. She said they had no support. She said their dad was with Camilla and doing his thing.
Howard said he was going to ask how much you can milk that story but he realizes that he's milking his Roosevelt story.
>Howard said as a kid he had puppets and he got this weird feeling that they came to life in his basement. He said he'd go down there alone and he felt like they were looking at him. He said he had nightmares about being attacked by one of the puppets. He said he had one in the upper shelf of his closet. He said then the Twilight Zone show came out where the Talking Tina came to life. He said that freaked him out. He said he ruined the whole thing. He said he didn't tell his parents why he quit that whole thing.
Howard said he just took the puppets out of storage yesterday. He said he's had them over 50 years. He said he has them all. He said they're in his garage and he's not sure if he should unbox them. He said he's worried about what they're going to do to him now that he's had them locked up for 50 years. He said he's thinking about doing a puppet show again. He said he has his dummies. He said he has a Jerry Mahoney puppet and others. He said he has other figures. He said the Jerry has eyes that move. He said you can spin his head around and his mouth and eyes move. He said today they probably have better ones but this is pretty good.
Robin said the Twilight Zone had one guy who had a puppet that was in charge of everything. Howard said he knows. He said it was crazy. He said these puppets can't be trusted.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was Fake Andrew Dice Clay. He was saying he got a sex robot that broke his dick. He told Howard some stories about that. He had Howard laughing over the stories.
Howard let Dice go and took a call from one of his puppets in his closet. The puppet was asking if he doesn't want to play with them anymore. Howard said he liked them as a kid but he was afraid they were going to hurt him. He said put them back in the box. He said he was going to look at them yesterday but he wasn't sure if he should. He said they're really creepy. He said some are from England. He said he can imagine them putting a spell on them. Robin said he doesn't believe in any of that. Howard said it's happening to him though. He said if Robin saw them she'd think they were off too.
Robin said they had that Waylon Flowers and Madam. Howard said he interviewed them and he had to pick which one he wanted to talk to. He said he wasn't allowed to talk to both. He said he thinks he talked to Madam. He said he should have talked to Waylon. He said he was the guy telling them that the can't talk to both of them.
Howard said Pee Wee was the same. He said he wasn't allowed to talk to both of them. He said he had to choose between Pee Wee and Paul. He said he loves that guy. He said he feels bad for that guy. He said he wasn't able to do his child's show after he got caught in that porn theater. He said Pee Wee didn't jerk off, it was Paul. He said that didn't bother him that much. He said that he should have been allowed to do Pee Wee. He said he never understood jerking off in a public place. Robin said you have to reign it in when you have a kid's show.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that in the 70s there were scary stories that came out about a doll chasing a woman around her house. She asked if he saw that. Howard said he never did. He said he doesn't want to talk about puppets anymore. He let her go.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he ever looks back on his childhood and thinks that's what made him what he is today. Howard said no. He said that's his mother's rap. He said he didn't need all of that to be a radio guy. Howard said it made him mentally ill. He said it's all very complex. He said he doesn't want to look back and he should be moving forward like Robin.
Howard said this new movie M3GAN he is thinking about seeing. Robin said maybe they can sit in the four corners of the theater and see it. Howard said he's not going out anywhere.
Howard said people say they really love his (fake) Vietnam stories. He said that's what made him the man he is today. He said he has to thank the military for making him the man he is today. Howard went into some of those fake Vietnam stories about blowing people up with grenades and things like that. He said he isn't proud of that.
Howard said he did horrible things over there. He said he once bit the head off a child. He said Ozzy Osbourne ripped him off years later when he bit the head off a bat. He said that he would bite the heads off his victims and it tasted like chicken. He said he did what he had to do.
Howard said his puppeteering came in handy over there. He said he'd make puppets out of dead people there. He said that's what happens in war. He said he's not like that anymore. He said don't fuck with him. He said that's his motto.
Howard said he has 7 purple hearts from being over there. Robin asked if they can Google him over that. Howard said of course. He said he has a bunch of other medals he got over there too. He said he's not sure what they were for.
Howard said he once pulled out a woman's pancreas to play Hackey Sack with. He said the released their tension with games like that.
Howard said one time he was mad at his commanding officer so he killed this gentleman in battle and cut off his nuts and put it into the officer's won ton soup. He said it's too painful to talk about. He said he did what he had to do. He said he doesn't like talking about his past.
Howard said he remembers taking Uncle Nam's eye out and he played with his eyeball. He said that he did it for his country and that's it. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. Howard said sometimes a man has to do what he has to do. He said he cut off Uncle Nam's foot and played Frisbee with it. He said that they had to make their own fun back then. He said he doesn't want to talk about this anymore because it's too painful.
Howard took a call from a guy who wished him a happy birthday. He said he knows it's coming up this week. He mentioned that Dolly Parton's birthday is this week too. Howard said he saw her special with Miley Cyrus and he thought she was wearing gloves on her hands or something and he's wondering what's going on with her hands. He said he'd like to get something like that for his own hands. He asked if Jim noticed. Jim said he just thought it was entertaining and she's a stunning woman. Howard said he'd like an old bag filter for his own hands. The caller said he used to beat off to her in the 70s. Howard said he has to figure she's in her late 70s or older at this point. He said she had a cut out pair of chaps or something. He said her leg didn't look old like old people get. He said there appears to be some kind of old bag filter on her.
Jim said that when Howard was on in the early 2000s he would listen to Howard and he put a smile on his and his kids faces. He said that's what he did for them. He said he knows that he's a good soul so happy birthday to him. Howard asked if Jim was in Vietnam. Jim said he was over in the middle east during George W's time. He said that he was in some high intensity areas but he didn't go door to door hand to hand or anything like that. Howard said there's nothing better than hand to hand combat. He said he's sorry he never got to do it.
Howard made up a story about Jim's brother Joe and told some Vietnam stories. He had Jim laughing as he made up stories about Joe hiding his weed in a dead guy's asshole over there. He said they smoked that weed right out of his asshole. He said it was covered in shit and they got even higher from that.
Howard said Joe was a great guy. Jim said Howard is a great guy too. He said he was having tough times back then but Howard helped him along with the show. He said he brought him a lot of joy.
Howard said he has another story about his brother. He said Joe the Butcher killed a village and he cut off a dead guy's cock and sewed it on the face of another dead guy. He said this is the kind of mind this guy had. Jim said he went back and worked as a contractor in the Middle East. He said he loved it over there in Iraq. He said there were a lot of women over there. Howard said don't get him started on that. Jim said he was known as Jay the Eel over there. He said he had many Chinese girlfriends over there. He said the Chinese women there work for the Arabs because they don't like to do their own work there. He said he misses it over there. He said he thinks he may have had 120 women there. He said they're beautiful. Howard said over in Vietnam he had many women too. He said it's legendary.
Howard said he would be on bivouac over there. He said that's when you take a vacation. Robin corrected him and said that's called R&R not bivouac. Howard corrected himself and he said sometimes he'd blow a woman over there. Jim said he may not have been with a woman in that case. Howard said when he was in the service he would pay a nickel for a rim job. He said you can't find those deals anymore. He said the ladies loved him over there. Jim told Howard he's in good shape for a 69 year old. Howard told him not to bring his age up. Jim said he looks good.
Howard said he has one more story to tell before he lets Jim go. He said everyone knew that he got rim jobs and he always had a clean asshole the whole time he was over there. He said that nickel included tip too.
Jim asked if the straightened out Benjy about coming into work on time. Howard said he has to tell him that the worst thing about war was coming home and not having that rim job clean asshole. Howard said he did straightened out Benjy. He said he used some of his tactics on him. He said he went off on him for not being grateful. He said he looks like a lot of the women he fucked over there. Jim went off on Benjy and called him some names before Howard let him go.
Howard was still going on about how cheap it was to get rim jobs and things over in Vietnam. He said that he doesn't want to talk about war anymore. He said it's too hard.
Howard said one of the Jon's has an update on the Dolly gloves. He said that Miley looked great in the special too. He said running around naked is how you get people to watch you. He said he thinks of her like a daughter now that he's had her on the show so many times.
Robin said Dolly is 76 by the way. Howard said he wants to know what she had going on. Hein got on and said that she has been wearing nude gloves on her hands. Jon said that they don't go to the top of her fingers but she's apparently been wearing them a long time. Robin said the purpose of those gloves is to cover up what her hands look like. She said they give away your age. Howard asked why she'd give a shit.
JD said he wasn't seeing the gloves but her face is very smooth so there might be some kind of filter going on there. Howard said he wants those gloves and the filter on his face. Robin said Howard's hands look good actually. Howard said these hands have killed many. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said this isn't from his playlist. He asked who picked this song. Robin said maybe he picked it at some point. Howard said it's not on his list. He asked the guys if this is on his playlist. No one was answering him. Howard said if you stick to his playlist they won't have any problems. He said he can't even get an answer on this. He said that he's not mad but this isn't a Howard Stern endorsed song. Howard asked Jason if he has an answer. Jason said that Gary and Fred may have made some additions to his playlist. Howard said they should not be doing that. He said he wants his playlist.
Fred said he's not taking credit for this. Gary said it wasn't him either. Jason said he's just passing on information. Howard said he's not mad. He said he just wants to get to the bottom of this. He said he has made a playlist of songs he listens to. He said there's like 50 billion hours of music. He said he'd never approve this song. Robin asked how they got a hold of this. Howard said he's not sure. He said they're on someone else's playlist.
Gary said he just got a note saying it's on his playlist. Howard said there's no way that song is on his playlist. He said the song is fine but that's not on his playlist. He said he knows his playlist. Robin asked how he can know if he has 5000 songs. Howard said he knows. He said he has Sammy Hagar and Chickenfoot. Gary said he's looking at the list and he's wrong. Jason said there will be a full audit of the playlist this week.
The guys played some Marilyn Manson for him. Howard said he wants something on his playlist. He said he's going to get to the bottom of this. He said he has to print out the list and get some songs in there. He said that song isn't on his playlist. He said it sounds like one of those Fred songs.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if that song was his way of coming out to them. Howard said that must be it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a girlfriend but she won't introduce him to her family and say she loves him. She also doesn't give him sex more than once a month. Howard asked if she's super hot or something. The caller said no. He said he's a recovering addict and alcoholic and she was there for him when he was recovering. Howard said there were times in his life when he was desperate and he'd put up with that. He said once a month isn't much.
Howard asked the caller, Keith, if he's really crazy about this girl. Keith said he is. Howard said it sounds like she's hot and put up with it as long as you can. Robin said she sounds like she'd make a good friend. Howard asked if he's a good looking guy. Keith said he is. Howard said go get a good girl who digs you then. He said that it ain't worth it. Keith said she lives with him and she doesn't work. Howard asked how big his cock is. Keith said 6.5 or 7 inches. Howard said it's time for him to move along. He said that's just his assessment.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she got a breast reduction. She said she went from a DD to a C. She said her husband isn't all over her anymore. She asked if he thinks that's the reason. Hoards said he thinks he's going to walk to Memphis. He said he's not sure what to say here. He said that her husband must have a big titty thing. He said that he's not sure what kind of freak she married. Howard asked how much she weighs. She said she's about 135. She said she's 5'6'' tall. Howard said he's trying to picture this. He said she must be tight. She said she'll be 50 this summer. Howard said sorry. Howard said so is Beth and he's very much in love with her.
Howard said he's not sure what to tell her. He said he obviously likes the big titties. The caller, Stephanie, said she had a lot of back pain and neck pain from them. Howard said a lot of men won't be honest about it. He said he may have loved her titties more than her. He said that he doesn't know what to tell her. He said he's sick of giving advice. He said god bless her for getting the reduction. He said just tell the husband that they'll grow back. He said Robin's grew back. He said she had a reduction and they grew back. He said they'll be back.
Howard answered a knock at the door and fake Bernie Mac was just standing there not saying anything. He eventually said that this doesn't make any sense. He said that this isn't making sense to him. Howard spent a short time with fake Bernie talking about the breast reduction surgery thing. There was quite a delay between Howard asking a question and Bernie answering.
Howard said he's so glad he knocked on his door. He said he should have had him on to talk to the callers. He said he knocked some sense into him today. Howard let Bernie go a short time later.
Sal asked if they think they will allow them to sell knock out candy to get your kids to sleep. Robin said they shouldn't allow that but she thinks they will. Howard said he's saying yes too. He said they don't seem to listen when you say what you're selling.
Sal had them locked in and then played the call where they called in with the knock out candy thing. Sal plugged his candy which was made out of Benedryl. The host said that this guy has some issues. He said he needs to eat a whole sack of them himself.
Sal asked if they will let them sell a taxidermy Reindeer with an erect penis. Howard said yes. Robin said no. Sal played the clip and the Trading Post show host just went with it. He asked for his location and information. He didn't stop Sal from trying to sell this thing.
Howard said that is amazing. He said he practically begged him to say no. He insisted on getting it out there. Howard said Sal revealed that the universe has never been more open to him. Sal said he doesn't recall saying that. He said he's busy selling reindeer with boners.
Howard said Sal also forgot to get his mom a Christmas present. Sal said he was busy cooking and he totally forget to get her something. He said he Venmo'd her money on the spot. He said he didn't have a gift or anything. He said he gave her $100. Howard said that's like handing your mother $100. Wolfie asked if she was hurt. Sal said he asked her and totally forgot about it. He said he was busy buying the food and all of that. Howard said he is an older man now so he should be able to handle that. He said poor Sal brings her goodness unlike his father so he should remember. He said giving her cash isn't the right reaction. Robin said he has to get something for her. Sal said he likes that idea. He said he'll do that. Howard said it's enough. He said he does enough for those two. He asked if he got his dad a gift. Sal said he realized he didn't get his dad a gift either. He said he gets him lotto tickets so that's all he gets him. He said he forgot to get them for him and he said he just forgot them at the house. He said he got him a card and lottery tickets and they were too new so he called him out on it. He said he told him he got him new tickets since the others were old. Howard said this is the same guy who used to beat Sal over the head with bread. Sal said one night they were eating bread dipped in marinara sauce and they would go through the lottery tickets. He said that his father won $30,000 once. He said he took them all out to lunch and the rest of the money disappeared in about 2 weeks.
Howard asked if his half sisters got his mother anything. Sal said they got the best gifts ever from the half sisters. He said they have two new sisters they met 4 years ago and they come to all the holiday events. He said they're very generous. He said they give great gifts to everyone. He said he told Maria to calm down because she's making them look bad.
Howard said he wants to get back to the game. Sal asked if they think that they will let them sell a soiled diaper that Tim Allen wore under his outfit in The Santa Clause. Howard said he thinks that they will. Robin said no. Sal played the clip and they start out saying you can't prank the show or you may be charged with a class B misdemeanor. Howard said he's changing his mind on this one after hearing that. In the clip Richard tells the host what he has to sell and the host didn't put up with that. She said that's the pranksters. Richard was sill going as the were playing music over him.
Howard said they're no nonsense over there. He said hey played him off like it was the Academy Awards. Howard said he will say he got that one wrong. He said
Howard said Richard is in jail right now. He said they got him a lawyer and it as class B misdemeanor.
Sal asked if they think they'll let them sell a device that removes urine from snow so kids can eat the snow. Howard said he thinks that's a yes. Robin said she thinks so too. Howard played the clip and Sal tells them what he has to sell. He said he has a friend who created this yellow snow filter and it lets the kids eat the snow. The host said that's interesting but she thinks that you can just tell kids not to eat the yellow snow. They eventually hung up on Sal. The host said don't pick up on people like that.
Howard said he isn't good at this game. He asked Sal what he has. Sal asked if they will let you sell the services of an elf that tucks you in at night. Howard said he thinks that Richard did that once so he thinks they will allow it. Robin said yes as well. They played the clip and Richard called in with a voice changer sounding like an elf. He told them that he can tuck you in and do other things. The host let that on the air at first and then it sounded like he was going to cut him off but he let him get in his number and information.
Howard said he's not sure why they'd allow that. He said that is Richard's plan for when he retires. He said he's going to be an elf.
Howard asked if he has any more. Sal said he does. He said Howard has a point now too. He asked if they will let them sell a Christmas ornament that's a menorah in a toilet bowl. Howard said he thinks they will let that on. Robin said she's not sure they even know what a menorah is. Howard said he's saying yes. Robin said no.
Howard played the clip where Sal called in with the item to sell. He described it to the host and the host hung up on him as soon as she heard the item. She said that they won't take anymore phone calls if they get calls like that.
Howard asked what kind of host that is to stop you from having some fun with some Jew hating.
Sal asked if they will let them sell fossilized donkey feces from the actual manger scene. Howard said he thinks they will allow that. Robin said she's going to say no. Howard played the clip and the host let that through on the air. Richard was the one who called in with that one.
Howard said he got one right. He said now it's 4-2. Sal asked if they will let them sell inflatable lawn decorations with lesbian reindeer and two gay Santas holding hands. Robin said no. Howard said no as well. Howard played the clip and the host cut him off and said that guy has a mental disorder.
Howard said as soon as you hear lesbian they hang right up on you. He said it's gone too far as soon as that comes out. Howard said he was right about the mental disorder. He said most of the staff suffers from that.
Sal asked if they think they'll let them sell a Santa suit worn by John Wayne Gacey with stains on it. Robin said yes. Howard said yes too. Howard played the clip and Sal called in with the Santa suit. The host cut Sal off but let him get in his contact number.
Howard said that was a good game. He said Robin won once again. He said congratulations to her. Sal said she won a Deer with an erect penis. Howard said Wolfie has a game too.
Howard said he only has some artists, Jimmy Kimmel and Robin following him on Instagram. He said he's just showing his art to other artists. Robin said he keeps improving so much. Howard said he appreciates that. Howard said he's thinking of posting some of his art but he's not sure about it.
Robin said Val Kilmer bought some painting of another famous person who paints. Howard said he has had friends ask him to buy from him but he turns them down. He said he won't accept money from them. He said he thinks these people asking to buy his stuff are thinking like $1000 but he's thinking they should donate like a million to a their charity. He said he knows people who are very wealthy and they say they gave a very generous donation and it's like $1,000. He said these are billionaires. He said that they provide a lot to the people who adopt pets from them. He said these people show up in BMWs and he's giving them all of this stuff.
Wolfie said that a simple vet visit is like $500. Howard said that's the basic stuff. He said it's a lot of money. He said then people give you $50 as a donation. He said he needs some high rollers for this thing. He said he's doing a lot for North Shore Animal League. He said shit's expensive.
Howard said his mother is expensive too. He said if he told you what he's spending on her you'd faint. He said you wouldn't believe it. He said then his mother says Beth is her best friend. He said he's the one paying but Beth is her best friend. He said she says she has a lot of great people helping her but he's the one footing the bill for all of it. He said she doesn't seem to know that.
Howard said SiriusXM will have him there until after he's dead. He said it's a fucking fortune. He said that he will come on the air and tell you what he's paying. He said you'll wonder how one woman can cost so much money. He said god forbid she put him in a good school system.
Howard said he doesn't read his Instagram but he and Beth do post. He said he posted what he ate last night. He said he had an orange but Beth was eating the junk food. He said she looks like a goddess and he has to eat an orange. Steve said she must metabolize better than he does. Howard said he can't find any cellulite on her. He said that she lets him inspect her. He said he looks her over and can't find anything. He said he keeps the lights on just so he can see her. He said he's inspector Stern.
Howard said his bills are out of control. He said in Ecuador it costs less to run that country than it takes to take care of his mother. He said he has to make a lot of phone calls too. He said his sister is very gracious. He said that she asks him to put the money his dad had to put toward her. He said that would be gone in a week. He said his dad called him a moron but he didn't plan for his old age.
Steve said before he goes he wanted to mention that his dad had a porn stash and he had to be careful when he looked at it because she had a gun near it and he had to make sure it was in exactly the same place. Howard said he did the same thing with his dad's porn. He said he had some weird shit and he had to make sure he put it back in the right spot. He said his dad didn't have any guns though. He said he has guns but his dad didn't. He said he's a gun guy. He said he's ready to protect his house.
Howard said his mother knew about all of that stuff too. He said she was up in his shit all the time. He said she would keep track of his stuff too. He said she was always in his room and she said it was her room and she didn't want filthy dirty pictures on his walls. He said she decorated the room too. He said his room was green with orange bed spreads. He said it made you want to throw up. He said there were no pictures on the wall. He said a Motel 6 looked better. He said that his mother would inspect his drawers to see what was in there. He said she was like a little detective. He said she never found his weed though. He said he had stag films and weed and he was able to keep them concealed from her. He said he had the reels in brown paper bags.
Howard said his dad had a projector and he would go down to the basement and set the films up. He said the film would melt in the projector. He said he had to set up the screen too. He said he had to figure all of that out and then jerk off. He said then he had to conceal it all again. He said then he figured out to watch it, put it away and then jerk off. He said he only had one film. He said his friend gave it to him and he took the risk taking it home.
Howard said the film was this woman walking around naked and this TV repair guy is working and she steals his money and then they end up having sex. He said it was wild. He said he would run into the basement and had to plan it out to get it all done. He said he would ask where they were going and had to figure out the timing. He said he had to make sure that they weren't going to come back while he was doing all of this. He said imagine they catch him while he's doing all of this. Robin asked how old he was at the time. Howard said 15 or 16. He said he had a nudist magazine too. He said he had his own little stash going. He said he had better porn than his old man.
Robin said she was reading about how most kids are exposed to porn by 17 now. Howard said he thinks that's bad. He said back in his day porn was innocent. He said today 12 year olds are experts in how to fuck. He said they're doing 69 and cream pies and all of that. He said he understands that kids are getting blow jobs at 13 now. Robin said they call them rainbow parties. Howard said he wishes he had that at that age. He said porn was a whole different thing then.
Howard said Ralph is on his Instagram. He picked up the phone and Ralph said he should make his Instagram public. He said he can turn off the comments. He said he can also selectively pick the people to comment. He said he can let him delete all the assholes too. He said he loves doing that. Robin said don't let him take care of that. Howard said thank you for saying that. He said he loves Ralph so much but he realizes that he will offend everyone on there. Ralph said he won't do that. He said he'll just delete the people who ask dumb questions. Robin said don't let him do it. Sal said Ralph can't even get in his house. Ralph said his work is so impressive that he should put it out there. Howard said thank you. Robin said Ralph won't do that job for long. Ralph said he loves it and it gives him such power. He said you can report people too. Howard said he'll think about it. Robin said she can't wait for that to fall apart. Ralph said Robin can't even work her phone. Howard said he'll see what happens.
Howard said he was talking about Ralph yesterday. Ralph said he knows. He said that he didn't think Chris and that guy would be a good match. Howard said he thinks they would. Ralph said Howard is narrow minded in that stuff. He said he knows Chris and James pretty well and he doesn't think they'd be a good match. Howard said he was talking to James the other day and he was thinking that they'd be a good match. He said Ralph put a stop to it.
Howard said Ralph does know both guys better. He said he won't go behind his back and set them up. He said that he thinks Ralph may have a love for these guys that he doesn't even know about. Howard said James is a great guy. Robin said he really is. Howard said see Robin knows him.
Howard said he thinks Ralph is afraid of losing James and Chris. Ralph said he wouldn't want that to happen. Chris asked Ralph why he would keep him from him. Ralph said he thought about it and he didn't think it would work. He said there's more to it than just looks. He said Chris knows that. Chris said he'd like to meet the guy and he'd like to get to know him. Ralph said he already met him for him and he knows it won't work out.
Howard asked if he thinks there's something wrong with Chris or the other way around. Ralph said he won't say that on the air if he does. He said he's not going to introduce them. Chris said just give him his Instagram and see what happens. Ralph said he has a flood of guys over there. He said he won't be able to find him.
Howard asked who cares anyway. He let Ralph go after that. Ralph said he'll give it more thought before Howard hung up.
Wolfie said every Christmas this Wack Packer asks Santa for dirty panties. He asked if it's King of All Blacks, Ham Hands or Mark the Bagger. Howard said he thinks that it's Ham Hands. He said he thinks he's a single guy and King is married. He played the answer and it was Ham Hands Bill. In the clip Bill was talking about his creepy tradition of asking Santa for panties.
Robin said that defines creepy. Howard and Robin did their impressions of Bill talking about all of that creepy stuff. Howard said he has to recover from that one. He said he has to take a break from this and bang his head into the wall. He said he's going to take a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said he has to get Wolfie back in there to get this game going again. Robin said that first one was something that the police might have to get involved with. Wolfie told her that they only get worse. Howard had forgotten the name of the game already. He said the name is so catchy. Wolfie said it rolls off the tongue.
Howard asked Wolfie what he has. Wolfie said this Wack Packer's tradition as a child was getting yelled at for opening the wrong Christmas presents. He asked if it's Bigfoot, Underdog or Bobo. Howard said he was thinking Wendy. Robin said she thinks it's Underdog. Howard said he thinks it's Bigfoot. He said it's either Underdog or Bigfoot. He asked who gives a fuck. He played the clip and it was Bigfoot talking about how he'd open his dad's presents because they both had the same name. He said he got bitched out for it. Bigfoot said he was a greedy little bastard. Howard said imagine him as a little boy. Robin said he made a good point about giving your kid the same name. He said he put the name Mark on there and his name is Mark. Wolfie said it happened several years in a row.
Howard said the mom would make the gifts and he'd open the big Mark's gifts and he'd get yelled at. He said that's pretty sad.
Howard asked what's next. Wolfie said this Wack Packer enjoys a blow job next to he Christmas tree. He asked if it's Mark the Bagger, King of All Blacks or Will the Farter. Howard said he's thinking that Mark the Bagger isn't getting a blow job. He said he's thinking that King is too weird for that. He said he thinks it has to be Will the Farter. Robin said she's going to say it's King of All Blacks. Howard said Will gets girls. He said he's semi-normal looking. He said King is into smelling panties and feet. Robin said she's still going with him. Howard played the clip and it was Will the Farter talking about his tradition of getting blown by the tree. He said he does it because he and his ex started doing it so he kept it going.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Mark the Bagger who said what he likes to do is cum on his Christmas tree and he lets it dry and become chips so he can eat them with his hoagie. He ate some chips as he was telling that story. He was also talking about jerking off to Nikki Glaser. Howard let him go a short time later. He said he thinks he might like him better than real Mark the Bagger.
Howard asked what he has next. Wolfie said this Wack Packer enjoys a 5 course meal every Christmas. He asked if it's High Pitch Erik, Wendy or Underdog. Howard said he thinks he knows the answer to this. He said it has to be Underdog. He said she talks about that. Robin said she'll go with that too then. She said that 5 would be too low for Erik. Howard played the clip and it was Underdog talking about the things she has for her 5 course meal. It wasn't all that fancy. It was deli meats and things like that. Chris Wilding was the one talking to her about all of that and he said it sounds like a lot of food for one person. Underdog said she takes time between the courses so she has room.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Bigfoot who was talking about confusing his name with his dad's. Howard said that would be like him being named Ben Jr. Howard let fake Bigfoot go a short time later.
Howard asked Wolfie what he has next. Wolfie said this final one is a Wack Packer who claims to have sex with his holiday turkey. He asked if it's Ass Napkin Ed, Bigfoot or Mediated Pete. Robin said it has to be Ed. Howard said she has to be right. Howard said he's talked about it. Howard played the clip and it was Ed talking about fucking his turkey. He said you put a little hole in it and you can stick your dick in it. He said he finishes in the turkey and he finishes in there. He said then he cooks it. He said he's done it twice already. He did it to the Thanksgiving Turkey too. He said he's going to do it again when it comes around again. Howard said he doesn't believe it.
Wolfie said he jumped on the phone with him when he said he was doing it and you can be the judge. He played a clip of Ed allegedly fucking his turkey for Christmas. He was moaning and saying ''here we go'' and things like that. He said he was actually fucking the turkey. Howard said Ed claims he watches porn to get worked up for the turkey.
Howard said what a weirdo. Robin said if he thinks that pussy is like turkey then he has never had pussy. Wolfie said he has a picture that he sent that's so disturbing. He said it's Ed's dick with the turkey he's fucking. He said he was very skeptical of it but you can see pepper and spices on his dick so he thinks he actually did it.
Howard said he has a clip of Ed talking about how he can't finish. Robin saw the picture and said ''Yikes!'' Howard played the clip of Ed talking about fucking the turkey and not finishing. He was complaining about the juices being all over. Ed said that the thing was starting to stink. He said he pulled out because there was stuff coming out of it. He said it's some brown juice and it's really a turn off.
Howard said he is really gross. He picked up Ed on the phone and Ed asked why that's gross. Howard said he doesn't even know how to give it to a turkey. Ed said he has been with over 100 women so Robin doesn't know what she's talking about. Ed said he wanted to show Wolfie his dick when it was fully erect. He said he wasn't in that one. He said he has just under a foot when he's hard. Robin asked if that means that he has someone stepping on it.
Howard said he seems to remember seeing his penis and it wasn't anywhere close to a foot. Ed said he has 11 inches. Howard said he has to see his face attached to it. Ed said he did show his face. Howard asked if Gary saw this video. Gary said he has not. He said he's not sure what he's talking about. Howard asked if this is any way to honor Jesus' birthday. Ed said he's not religious either. Howard said obviously not.
Ed said Howard jerks off all the time too. Robin said this is not jerking off. Howard said he does it for medicinal purposes. He said he doesn't do it into a turkey or any food products. Wolfie said he had to hide it from his mom because she lives upstairs. Howard asked if he fed that to his mom. Ed said he did not. He said that she had a turkey with bones in it. He said his was boneless.
Howard said he has a turkey on the phone that wants to have sex with Ed. He had the guys on the line playing turkey sounds. Ed said it's still alive. Howard said it is. He said she said she wants him to fuck her on Jesus' next birthday. Robin said she thinks this was his first time because everything about it was surprising to him.
Howard said he thinks if Ed had a big penis he'd be showing it off all the time. He had the turkey gobbling on the phone with Ed. He was asking if she can give a great blow job too. Howard pretended he knew what she was saying.
Howard said he thinks if Ed had a big dick he'd be sending pics of it to them all the time. Ed said he has a video of it. He said it's not always 11. He said it's not always hard. Howard said it's only sometimes. He said he was like 11 once but most of the time he's only 3. Ed said he gave himself a blow job when he was 15. Howard said he's surprised he stopped.
Wolfie said that picture he sent makes it look like his pubes are as long as his penis. Ed said that's why he sent another one. Wolfie said he never got another one.
Howard was asking the turkey on the phone to gobble once for yes and twice for no and asked it questions about sex. He said this turkey is a freak. Ed asked who he can send the video to. Howard said send a picture. Ed said it's not that big unless he's getting a blow job. Howard said stop it.
Wolfie said Ed told him some other stuff that may be illegal so he won't even mention it. Howard said that's it for today. He said J.B. Smoove will be on the show tomorrow. Robin said he's doing a commercial for Caesar's and Halle Berry is in it with him. Howard said she still looks good. He said she's well into her 50s. He said she's holding it together. He said she's a charming woman. They ended the show around 10:15am.
Howard said he started to make a pile for Beth. He said they can give them out to her brothers and their nephew. He said he was throwing out and now he's down to like 4 shirts. He said he was thinking he was throwing too much out. He said Ralph tells him stuff like that would be a good layer. He said if they don't fit then you have to get rid of them. He said he threw this stuff out and now he's going crazy thinking he threw it out too soon. He said he has a saying that if it doesn't fit, throw out that shit.
Robin said it was a nice shirt and he liked it but times change and things change. Howard said when it comes to clothes he doesn't trust his own opinion.
Howard said he didn't stay up to watch the Golden Globes. He said Jerrod Carmichael was hosting. He said he was talking about how they've never had a black host before. He said he did a whole monologue about that. Robin said she didn't know they had changed anything. She said they were boycotting it last year. Howard said the decided to stop being racist over there.
Howard said the Golden Globes found out they were being racist and they got rid of that in a year. He said that's apparently what was going on over there. Howard played a clip of Jerrod doing his thing at the Golden Globes. He said he was there because he's black. He explained what had gone on last year with the awards and how they didn't have a single black member there until George Floyd died.
Howard said he hears something. He said the have a technical issue. He said someone is talking on their frequency. He said they've stopped.
Howard said they had new members join last yea for the Hollywood Foreign Press and 6 of them were black so now everyone can come back. Robin said these people are in love with their awards.
Howard said the ceremony was at the Hollywood Hilton. He said before the show they had Laverne Cox doing the red carpet interviews. He said she makes this noise where she kind of screams. He said this is her on the red carpet this year. He played a clip of her making that noise when people were showing up to be interviewed. Howard said it sounds like the sound Ronnie makes when he gets pegged.
Howard said Laverne was pitching an idea to James Cameron. He said that has to be the worst for directors when people pitch ideas to you like that. Howard played a clip of that. Howard said with that noise she could be a bird in Avatar.
Howard said he's sure Robin didn't watch this either. Robin said she did not. She said she saw that Eddie Murphy got an award just for being himself. Howard said he did. He said if anyone deserves that award it's Eddie. Robin said she loves it when you get to that point where you don't have to make a movie to get an award.
Howard said Jerrod made a Tom Cruise joke and there weren't a lot of laughs. He said he made a joke about Tom returning his awards and Jerrod made a scientology joke about that. He played the clip of Jerrod telling the joke and getting some gasps from the crowd.
Howard said he was kind of up on that story. He said the guy who runs Scientology had a wife who hasn't been seen in public since 2007. He said Jerrod made a joke about that. Robin said she's not sure if that's common knowledge. Howard said you just have to go with it and hope for the best. He said he'd wait for the audience to be up on a story before telling that joke.
Howard said he's not sure it's a good idea to make fun of Tom Cruise because he is the only guy who got people to go to the movies in the past couple of years. He said Leah Remini tweeted after the joke for making that joke because she's wondering where Shelly Miscavige is. He said he's sure that there are a lot of missing people in a lot of religions. He said there are crazy fucking stories and if you make fun of them you're going to burn in hell. He said that's the basics. He said we're all going to die and we can't face it. He said that's why we make this stuff up. He said it's mind blowing thinking about how everyone is going to be dead some day. He said we can't fucking handle it. He said it's impossible for our pea brains to accept that. He said that we have to have something crazy to hold on to. He said we're in it alone. He said everyone is going to die alone.
Howard said people used to tell him that he was going to go down in history and he'd be remembered. He said he asked who cares. He said it really doesn't matter. He said there are people who used to love him on terrestrial radio but now he's dead to them. He said it doesn't matter. He said people forget about you when you go. He said people don't know who Johnny Carson was. He said people are forgetting who David Letterman is. He said it's crazy.
Howard said this is an interesting observation. He said Jerrod kept having to tell the audience to be quiet. He said he tried to control them but it's kind of a downer. He said you can't keep asking people to calm down. He played a clip of Jerrod doing that. Howard said he'd never tell him how to do his job but you can't keep doing that. Howard said Jerrod did a good job with Saturday Night Live and even this. He said with this you just have to go through with the whole thing and just goof on people like Ricky Gervais.
Howard played more of Jerrod telling people to shut up there. He said didn't know he'd have to keep doing that. Robin said the room is always noisy there at the Golden Globes.
Howard said you just have to tell some jokes and they'll settle down. He said Jerrod did a nice job there.
Howard said this guy Austin Butler who played Elvis is into a weird thing. He said he made a speech when he won for playing Elvis. He said he's fucking Kaia Gerber. He said he is on top of the world. He said Daniel Day Lewis is a method actor but this kid appears to have turned into Elvis full time. He said you have to hear this. He said this is him from last night and then he has a clip from a year ago. Howard played the two and he sounds like he's taken on that Elvis voice permanently. He said this is actually from 2016 when he was interviewed. He had a normal voice back then.
Howard said whatever that voice is now is not his actual voice. He played the clip from last night again. Howard did his impression of Elvis/Austin Butler for a short time. Fred had some Elvis music playing as he did that. He was confusing Kaia Gerber for Priscilla. Howard had Elvis talking about rubbing the lump on his mama's neck and things like that.
Howard said this kid changed his whole voice and became Elvis. He played the two clips again. Robin said it does sound like two different people. Howard said he has to stay in that voice just in case they want him to play Elvis again. Robin asked if he had a pompadour. Howard said he thinks he did. Howard went back into his Elvis voice for a couple of minutes telling Elvis stories.
Howard said the kid totally changed his voice. Robin said people do get stuck in roles. She said Johnny Depp is stuck as a pirate. She mentioned Johnny Weissmuller who got stuck as Tarzan. Howard said that guy is a weirdo. He played the clip again. Every time he played it he'd go into his own Elvis voice.
Howard said that's enough of that. He said a lot of girls must go crazy for Austin Butler. Robin wondered if he talks to Kaia Gerber like that. Howard went back into his Elvis and had him talking about Priscilla, taking Vikodin and getting fat.
Howard said he could go all morning with that. He said that's enough though. He said he has more on the Golden Globes. He said Chris told him that he thinks Austin was the hottest guy there. He said he didn't see the broadcast so he can't tell you who the hottest woman was. He said Jennifer Coolidge was there and gave a great speech. He said she gave a heart felt speech. He said she said her career was so dead that she wasn't being invited to neighbor parties. He said now she's been on White Lotus and she's back. Howard played some of that speech. She was thanking the creator of that show for putting her in it even if they killed her off.
Howard said the guy who wrote the show White Lotus, Mike White, won an award and he was funny too. He played some of the audio of that speech. He said JD thinks he might have been drunk up on stage. Howard said he's not sure if he was or not. JD said he basically said it. Howard said you're allowed to drink there so maybe he was. He played the clip of Mike making his speech and admitting he was drunk. Mike made his speech and said some funny stuff.
Howard said Mike also wrote School of Rock which is one of his favorite movies. Robin said she doesn't know him that well. Howard said he likes to see the writers get awards. He said it's good to see that. He said the writers are the ones who dream up these stories and it's nice to see them being acknowledged. Howard said School of Rock was a great movie for Jack Black. He said so was Shallow Hal.
Howard said Sean Penn introduced Volodymyr Zelensky. He said it's surprisingly good. He had a clip to play. Robin said it reminds her of someone. Fred played a Ham Hands Bill clip. Howard asked Chris to do his impression of Bill doing that speech that Zelensky was doing. Robin said it is Ham Hands. Howard had Chris do more of it. Howard said he has a funny fucking voice. Chris did more of the impression.
Howard said you're always shocked by the voice when you hear it. He said Zelensky knows that they will be goofing on him so he uses that interpreter. Howard played more of he Sean Penn clip and Chris did more of his Ham Hands impression of that.
Howard said that dude is brave. Chris did more of his impression and had him talking to Robin about her panties and things like Ham Hands might do. Chris did his impression as Austin Butler too.
Howard had Fred play some old audio of Ham Hand Bill. Howard said they've been talking to the president of Ukraine all these years.
Howard said that guy really is a Ham Hands impersonator. He played more of Zelensky and said you can barely tell the difference.
Howard said that movie ''Dave'' was great and they could bring in Ham Hands to be Zelensky if something happens to him. He said the only problem is that he's really pervy and only wants to sniff panties and things like that. Howard said what a movie that's going to be.
Howard said Amanda Seyfreid won an award but she didn't show up to the show. He said she had an interesting excuse for not showing up. He said she claimed she was ''deep in the process'' and couldn't be there. Howard said that's an interesting excuse. He said she must be playing some character. He said she can't even break it for this award show. He said the audience just shut up when they heard she was deep in the process. She was working on some musical according to what Jerrod said.
Howard said he has to point out something to Robin. He said that somehow Zelensky showed up but Amanda didn't show up.
Howard said Kevin Costner got an award. He said he didn't show up. He said Regina King was goofing on him. He said she then reads that he wasn't able to get there because of the weather. His house was collapsing and she didn't know that. Howard played that audio where Regina realized why Kevin wasn't able to be there.
Howard said Eddie Murphy won an award and he made a speech. He played some of that. He was talking about the three things you have to do to have a good career and one of them was to keep Will Smith's wife's name out your fucking mouth. It was censored in their clip so it was hard to understand.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said now you're talking. He said this is on his playlist. He said it's the Dead Daisies. He said he likes to talk over songs. He said he innovated that. He said whenever he hears a good song he explains to you that it's a good song as it's playing. Howard went into some history of the song and explained who wrote it and who this band is.
Howard said he was telling some (fake) Vietnam stories yesterday. He said they're hard to tell. He said he thinks he loves this song because he had to serve and his dad wasn't able to get him out of it. That led to him going into more fake Vietnam stories. He told a story about taking out some school kids over there in Vietnam. He said he was the unfortunate son.
Howard said he doesn't want to upset people with those stories. He said J.B. Smoove is going to be there later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's had a dog for about 13 years and he's very old now. He said he has issues with walking and going to the bathroom in the house. He said the family loves him but they think it's time to put him down. He asked what the right time is. Howard said his wife is better at all of that. He said when he sees the cats struggling he thinks it's time. He said they had to go through that with Yoda recently. He said his wife wanted to keep him around longer and she just knows when it's the right time. He said you want to keep them around as long as you can. He said dogs are so sweet and loyal. He said you don't want them to suffer but you don't want to let them go.
Howard said sure the dog had a couple of accidents but you want him to be around. The caller said their dog will acknowledge you but he won't stand up unless it's him. He said he's his favorite person. Howard asked the caller, Nate, what the vet says. Nate said they put him on medication for the bathroom issues. He said the arthritis is another story. He said it's all up to him. Howard said Nate knows the answer and he has to do it when he thinks it's right. Howard said don't put it on him.
Howard said they have so many cats and Beth tells him not to worry. She's taking care of it all. Howard said she knows what to do. He said that he can't tell Nate what to do. He said he can't fly Beth out there to Michigan. He said if the dog is happy and not in pain then keep him around. He said it is a humane thing to let them go when they are in pain. He said you can't do that with people.
Howard said his mother looked like she was going to die in the summer. He said they thought they were going to have to let her go. He said after a lot of medical attention she rebounded. He said she's back. Howard said they would have put her down. Robin said her mother was in a coma. She said the doctors came to her and said that they need to give her a feeding tube to get her nutrition. She said her mother had a do not do extraordinary measures in her living will and she didn't want that so they didn't do it. She said that weekend she was talking to her on the phone. She had woken up.
Howard said that his mother is back in full force talking about how Beth is her best friend. Howard said you never know.
Howard said he wishes he could send Beth to Nate's house. He said she kind of shows up and knows. He said Nate knows the dog better than they do so he has to make that decision.
Robin said she has a cat that when you look at her you think it's time to put her down. He said it's her cat Jennifer Aniston. She said you can feel her entire spine but she's in perfect health. Howard said they had that with Yoda. He said they waited and then they did it on the day they did it and had no guilt.
Howard said he's wanted to put Fred down for years but he has kept him around. He said he's not sure if it's time to put him down.
Howard said Donald Trump's legacy is that his is what happens on TV. He said the erection thing is what he left behind.
Howard said he has these nightmares about his show and he can't get things going fast enough. He said he's unable to get the commercials and get the right music on. He said it's awful. He said it's a recurring dream and it's awful. He said he hated being a music DJ. He said it never occurred to him and pull everything ahead of time. He said he never asked another DJ what they did. He said he was too embarrassed to ask. He said he used his own methodology to get the job done. He said Fred saw him running around like crazy.
Howard asked Fred why he never said anything. Fred said he figured it was because he had to tape his calls and all of that. He said his hands were full. He said he was up against it.
Howard said he has that nightmare over and over again. Robin said it's funny when you find out how people do a job well and they have it figured out. Howard said he would save his day by ad-libbing. He said that's in his dream. He said whenever he has these dreams he's on a station called WLIR in Hempstead, Long Island and he's never been on that station. He said he's not sure why that's in his dream. He said he's always the guy on that station in his dreams. He said he grew up listening to that station. He said he sent a tape there but they wanted nothing to do with him.
Howard asked what he can do for him. The caller asked if Richard has ever been asked to play with the Foo Fighters. Howard said it's funny with Richard. He said he's a strange being. He said he is considered one of the best metal drummers in the world but no one thinks of him for a band like that. He said that he has had Dave Grohl on the show a lot but he never brings up Richard. He said he never comes up.
Fred played some of Richard's stuff. The caller asked if he would advise him to play with them if they asked. Howard said that's up to Richard. He said that this job is his dream job according to what Richard has told him. Richard said he quit drumming to have this dream job. Howard said no one has ever come in and asked for Richard to play for them. He said it may be his look. He said he doesn't have a rock star charisma. Richard said he did cut that long hair off. Howard said he looks like a dad now. Richard said he'd have to cover up his baldness somehow.
Howard asked Richard about this song Fred was playing. Richard old him it was about Jerry Springer. Richard said he never thought about the lyrics of the song. He said he would practice 5 hours a day on his drums and didn't think about that. Howard played the song again and tried to figure out the lyrics. The song was ''Scavenger of Human Sorrow'' by the band Death.
Howard said when he interviewed Ringo about a song he would know what the song was about. He said he loves that Richard doesn't know. Richard said he grew up listening to this kind of music and he dreamed of being in the band. He said he got that dream job like he got this dream job. Howard asked how he got that job. Richard said the drummer had quit. He said the two before him were his gods. He said they were his favorites and he got to follow them. He said he'd start playing and he's shut the fans up when they would yell out the other drummer names.
Howard asked what happened to the lead singer in that band. Richard said he died at 34 of a brain tumor. He said he was his best friend. Robins said he has a lot of best friends. Howard asked about the lead singer Chuck and if he would save him or Sal if he had to choose. Richard said Sal is so sweet that he'd want him to have Chuck saved.
Howard said from what he hears in that song it's more about Maurey Povich than Jerry Springer. Richard said he could be right. Howard played the song again. He said he wants to be in a band with Richard. He added some lines to the song in a deep voice with his harmonizer. Then he made his voice higher like the singer.
Howard said that's not bad. He asked if he would ever take baths with that guy Chuck. Richard said no but he would tell him those stories and he'd laugh.
Howard asked if they answered Mark's question. He asked if Richard would play with the Foo Fighters. Richard said he'd stay there with the show. He said he has two kids and a wife and he'd rather have this job. He said he's not sure if he could go away for a month at a time.
Howard said Richard recently made a phony phone call. He said he was thinking about this Home Alone movie and how much Richard loves it. He said Richard made a phony phone call to a psychic show and he called in as Kevin from Home Alone. He said he played out the same plot from the movie in the call. Richard said this was the most fun call he's made. Howard asked Richard to remind him what he went through in the movie. Richard explained the movie and how the family forgot Kevin at home alone. He said two criminals find this house and figured they'd break in and Kevin fights back. He said he ends up winning and he robbers go to jail.
Howard said that Richard went through all of that for this psychic show. Howard said this is Richard's opus and tribute to Home Alone. He said he acts it all out for this psychic show. Howard played the call and Richard was telling them about being left home alone and he's looking for his parents. The hosts asked when his parents are coming home. Richard said that's why he called them. He played clips from Home Alone as he was telling them what was going on. The hosts had no idea what was going on. They were totally clueless. They advised Richard to tell his neighbors what was going on. Richard continued to play the clips and he acted out the Kevin parts. Richard even played when his mom comes home with the movie music playing in it. The hosts still had no idea what was going on.
Robin said she teared up hearing that clip when mom came home. Richard said he did too. He said he wants to do Home Alone 2 next Christmas. He said he thinks that movie was great too. Howard said that's Richard Christy. He said he wants to continue doing this job and not play for the Foo Fighters. Richard said it's his dream job so thank you so much. Howard played him off with that Death song.
Howard said Mike Pearlman went to Roosevelt and asked people how he could have avoided being bullied. Howard played the clip and some people told him to just be himself. He said he wouldn't be bullied now. One woman said she probably would have tripped him and dragged him across the school yard and laughed it off. Howard said he likes her honesty. He said he never had that opportunity to be bullied by her. He said everyone loved using him as a punching bag.
Howard said he talked about porn on the show yesterday. He said he talked about how tough it was to set up the projector and all of that. He said some fans wrote in about their own porn stories. Some people wrote in about using VHS or early dial-up internet in the 80s and 90s.
Howard said he watched this whole porn opening clip online yesterday where it's this hot girl who wants to rent a room in a guy's house. He said it's a very pretty girl. He went through the whole story where this woman is telling the landlord about how she's a stripper and he can put in a window to watch her do her thing. Howard said the guy asks what else she can do for him. He said she says she can blow him and she ends up doing that. Howard said he imagines he could have something like that himself. He said this is a clip that has 13.3 million views. He played the clip that he had just described.
Howard said it's interesting that this is the build up clip and it has more views than the full video. He said that's what people are into. He said he felt bad for the guy who lost his room. He said at the end he asked when she can move in. He said it's fantastic. He said he got kind of nervous for the guy and how he might not be able to get rid of her if she turns out to be a bad roommate. Howard said that's just the way he thinks. Howard said that woman really wanted that room.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Eddie Murphy and Tracy Morgan were very good on the Golden Globes. She also said that she had to put her pets down and it was very tough on her. She said if your dog or cat isn't eating then it's time. She said it's that or when they're not standing up. Howard said you never know though. He said his mom made a rebound.
Mariann said she wanted to wish him a happy birthday. Howard said there's no need to do that. He said he doesn't want to hear about his birthday. He said tomorrow is his birthday and he doesn't want any celebration.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake William Shatner. He said he has a song to serenade him with if he wants. Howard said he would never say no to Bill Shatner. He had him sing the song. He sang Happy Birthday to him. He sang it very slow. Robin said he'll be a year older by the time he finishes. Bill asked them not to interrupt. He said maybe he should try it in a different key. Howard thanked him for coming. Bill started from the top. Howard let him go as soon as he started again.
Howard said Jon Blitt wanted to sing to him dressed up as Marilyn Monroe. He said he looks very dangerous in that outfit. Howard said he has a nice body. Jon did his super creepy thing as Marilyn. Howard let him sing Happy Birthday to him and said it's very sweet.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's a lesbian and she's married to a straight man. She said they were young. She said that gay marriage is legal now and her husband has fallen in love with a man and he wants to leave her. She said she's struggling with what to do. She said she feels like she's fallen in love with him. She said they don't have that sexual relationship but they do love each other. Howard asked the caller, Tina, if she has a woman in her life. Tina said not right now but she did. She said she's been single for a year and a half or so. She said that her husband met someone during the pandemic.
Howard said this is sad to him. He said it's not a physical love but the do love each other. Robin said they're dealing with is something that came about in a marriage kind of scenario. She said that he's leaving her with a second half of her life that's going to be broken. Howard said maybe get a bigger place and have the guys move in and she can still be friends with him or something. Tina said that they're down for that but the other guy may not want that. He said this guy wants a life with her husband.
Howard asked Tina if they shared a bed together. Tina said at times but not in a sexual way.
Howard said when he thinks about marriage this is why it's best to marry your best friend. He said 99 percent of the time you're not fucking. He said with Sal it's 100 percent of the time. He said that it's almost like having a sleep over party. He said it's great to watch a show together and things like that. He said Tina is in love and this is a break up. He said he thinks she has to go out and find a woman to share her life with. He said this might be the healthy thing in the end. He said maybe she needs that physical love. He said that might be what she needs. He said short term it might suck but long term it will be good. He said look at him with the advice.
Howard said he's being played off so he has to get going. Fred had some music playing. Howard let Tina go and took a call from fake Tina's husband which was actually just Richard Simmons clips. Howard spent a minute talking to the clips.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said J.B. Smoove is there. He gave him a plug for where he's appearing in North Carolina. Howard asked if he has a personal dresser. J.B. laughed. He said he does this himself. He said this is him all day. He said he walks into his closet and they all fight for him to wear them. He said his clothes are from all over. He said he finds things that he matches up. He said he has a knack for style. He said you can better your life with style. He said he should have his own magazine for style or something.
Howard asked if he always dressed himself like this. J.B. said he has always admired different eras. He said he started to evolve into who he was going to be. He said he took a liking to style and looking good all the time. He said style is a conversation piece. He said his moustache is a conversation piece. He said he curls up the ends sometimes and people think he's going to tie them to the train tracks and shit.
Howard said his clothes scream for him not to wear them. He said J.B. has the kind of fame where a lot of people know him but a lot don't. He said he must have people see him and think he must be famous just from his look. J.B. said that you have to sell you first. He said you have to prove that when you show up to the job. He said he sells himself first.
Howard asked how famous he is now. He asked if he has to have bodyguards and stuff. He said he saw him at a Knick game once and he was 2 rows behind him. He said he was in the third row. He said he asked why he was back there and J.B. said he was happy back there. He said he didn't want to get too famous. J.B. said Howard and 50 Cent were in the front row. He said this was a last minute move for him. He said he's very grounded. He said they asked if he wanted to take Howard's seat and he said no. He said he let Howard have those seats. He said he could have stayed home but he went to the game and sat in the third row. He said it was a good damn game so he wanted to be there. He said to look at the back of Howard's head the whole time was amazing. He said he has good hair.
Howard said he always evaluates people on where they sit at the game. He said he wanted to see who J.B. was married to. He said he found her very attractive. He said there's something very captivating about her. He asked if he ever talks about her. J.B. said Shah is a lovely woman. Howard asked if he ever has any pressure on him to impress her when there are other guys out there who want her. J.B. said building a relationship is difficult in these times. He said things go faster. He said that you can't just tie her to the train tracks. He said that shit is over now. He said it is very difficult to maintain a relationship. He said that it's not easy having a beautiful talented lady. He said she can be with anyone she wants to be with. He said it's a test of the relationship to have that support. He said that Howard has the full monty.
Howard asked if Shah is in show business. J.B. said she's a musical genius and she is in show business. He said she's had her music on TV and film for years. He said she's so talented. He said it's great. He said they've been together for 21 yeas. He said they've been married for 16 of those years. He said they've had their ups and downs and it's a battle to stay together. He said you constantly have to build over time.
Howard said he saw him in that commercial for Caesar's and he saw that he was in it with Halle Berry. He said she's a very attractive woman. He said he has to remain faithful to Shah. J.B. said you do. He said that you have to find that professionalism. He said the two of them are not the most attractive men. He said they have a lot in common. He said they're long and lanky. He said they have to wear glasses. He said that you don't want people to see who they really are. He said they're not the cream of the crop with looks but they have personality.
Howard asked if he saw that Eric Andre is dating Emily Ratajkowski. He said that Pete Davidson is dating the hot chicks too. Howard asked what J.B. did to get a hot chick. He asked how he got her and how did he seduce her. J.B. said there are so many things you have to have to pull people into your life. He said you have to know how to move in your life. He said he likes to dive in and figure out what people like about you. He said you have to sell yourself. He said that you have to be the best salesman to do that. Howard asked how he did it with his wife. J.B. said he was a cordial gentleman. He said he met her at a restaurant called Jerry's. He said that's his name too. He said he met her ate Jerry's and he was sitting with two other comedians after a show. He said he knows the owner and he was there all the time after doing comedy shows. He said this beautiful lady walked through the place going to the bathroom. He said he saw her and she had some swag or bounce to her step. He said she was confident and beautiful. Howard asked if it was love at first sight. J.B. said he was intrigued. He said he said hello to her and she said nothing. J.B. said he had to figure out how to break through that. He said his friend saw it happening and he said she was disrespectful to him. He said she gave him the cold shoulder. He said she said she doesn't talk to guys who flag her down. He said hi to her
Howard said he would have been afraid to say hi and he would have gone away after she didn't respond. J.B. said he went back to her and said no lady should be standing on line. He said that she fell for that. He said that he went to the owner and told him what he was trying to do and he got the table next to them. He said that was a power move. He said he got them to sit. He said that he ignored her the rest of the time. He said he didn't expect anything from her. He said he got her a seat but asked for nothing. He said he checked on them one time and that was it. He said he just told them to enjoy their meal.
Howard said he's a genius. J.B. said guys don't know what to do. Howard said it must have driven her crazy not talking to her. J.B. said that's what it is. He said that's the move they have to use. He said we're not Brad Pitt. He said that we don't get mentioned at the Golden Globes 15 times like Brad Pitt. He said they enjoyed their meal. He said they were packing up to leave and the women thanked him for getting the table. J.B. said anytime. He said he kind of jumped on her ass and asked where they're going to go on their first date. Howard said he likes that. He said it's not too aggressive. J.B. said he knew that would work. Howard said he wasn't that famous back then. J.B. said he wasn't. He said he was performing and doing his thing but he's modest in his movement.
J.B. said that he asked her where they were going and they exchanged information. He said they were about to get in their car and he saw them out there. He said he gave her a wave goodbye and he saw her look both ways and then proceeded to make the most illegal u-turn he's ever seen in his life. He said that turned him on. He said that's the kind of woman he loves. He said she's aggressive behind the wheel.
Howard said he likes this story. He said that she peels out of there and he's thinking about her. He asked what happens next. J.B. said that he had to make sure she gave him a real number. He said he had to call her before she got home. He said he left her a nice message saying he enjoyed meeting her and enjoy your week. He said that's all he said. He said that he wasn't rushing her. He said that he wanted her to enjoy her week.
Howard said he doesn't even tell her what his job is. Howard said that's what he'd do. He said that's where he'd fuck up. J.B. said in this movement we call life you have to sell yourself. He said you have to do that first of all. He said the rest does it.
Howard asked if he waited for her to call. J.B. said he did. He said you don't call the next day. He said you wait. He said you can't be desperate. He said they end up going out. Howard asked if she called him. J.B. said he touched base with her in a few days. He said he asked when she had time to hang out. He said he waited until that day. He said then he went over and he had a cream Lincoln LS 5 speed. He said it was beautiful. He said he had a cream outfit on to match the car. He said he had cream pants and cream boots on. He said he had a mirror ball hanging from his rear view mirror. He said he went to the Promenade with her. He said they go out walking around and they had this great date. He said this is showing yourself. He said he went to Wilson's Leather on that block. He said he used to love that store. He said he walked by this store and he saw this hat in there he wanted. He said he just looked at it and put it on layaway. He said he put $5 on it and put it on layaway. He said he didn't have the money for it. He said he could have fucked up his rent money by being stupid. He said he just did the real thing. He said that she thought that was the funniest shit ever. He said that shows character. He said now she laughs at it but it was showing his character back then.
Howard asked J.B. if romance occurred that night. J.B. said his wife don't fuck around. He said he had to be patient with this woman. He said a lot of women don't just dive in bed with guys. He said if you have a woman who respects herself then you have to be patient. He said it took so long. He said she told him that she wasn't that kind of girl. Howard asked if they kissed. J.B. said they had to work toward that. He said that he had to wait.
Howard asked if he ever had a discussion about who she had been with before. J.B. said don't do that shit. He said Robin will tell you. He said you might not like what you hear so don't go there. He said don't ask for trouble. He said you'll mess yourself up. He said that if she wants to give you that information that's something else. He said you won't be happy if you go fishing. Howard said you might not want to learn about some of that stuff.
Howard asked J.B. what love is. J.B. said it's sacrificing something about you that you're willing to give up. He said that you are willing to change yourself to make the other person comfortable. He said you have to give something up so something else can come in. He said if you can't make that space then don't waste that person's time.
Howard asked how he learned all of this. J.B. said it's trial and error. He said things move fast. He said you had to work through this shit differently back then. He said that you had to work your shit on someone. He said that you will struggle.
Howard said J.B. wrote in his book ''The Book of Leon'' some things that he still uses today. He said that you have to respect people. J.B. said you have to do that and you can't give people any warning that this is coming. He said he has learned so much in his life and he feels he can fix people.
Howard said J.B. is on tour right now and he's been doing stand up for how long. J.B. said he's been doing it for almost 35 years. He said that's crazy. Howard said it is.
Howard asked where J.B. began. He asked if he had influencers. J.B. said he was a hallway clown in school. He said he was a good student but he was a clown in the halls. He said he had to find his way through things in his life and he happened to meet the right people. He said he judged character and he meets the right people doing that. He said he wouldn't be the comedian he is without the friends he had. He said the shit they gave him for material was great. He said he has laugh lines on his face and he had them at 10 because he was laughing his whole life.
Howard said J.B. wasn't raised in a show business family. He asked if he listened to George Carlin or people like that. J.B. said that he was inspired by Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx, Carlin and others. He said that he believes that comedians are influenced by life. He said that he's inspired by music and comedy. He said he can be inspired by anything. He said he's inspired by animals and space. He said that has to be part of your human nature.
Howard asked when he got on stage the first time. J.B. said he was around some of the funniest people and he still has the same friends he grew up with. He said every one of his friends are the same ones he started laughing with at 10. Howard asked if they get jealous. J.B. said not at all. He said he won't let them. He said this is just a job. He said he has to get up and get dressed and get to work on time. He said he has to do all this shit. He said Howard has to do actual work and he knows it. He said he has to attack things differently.
Howard said J.B. how he writes. He said he knows he doesn't work the same way Jerry Seinfeld does. J.B. said you have written material but depending on what you get back from the audience is what will make your act. He said you know they want more of that if they react. He said every audience is different. He said it all changes. He said every time you do it it's different. He said he likes improvising so that's why he's on Curb Your Enthusiasm. He said if he's on stage he likes to do his thing and make people laugh with him. He said he won't ignore them if they don't react to something.
Howard asked where he got up in front of people for the first time. J.B. said in high school he would make people laugh. He said they still talk about the same shit they did back then. He said that he met his college buddies too and they laughed their asses off through college. He said they barely made it in college but they laughed. He said they were skinny and stupid but they had a purpose. He said they had to get their courses done and make a future. He said he's nothing special. He said that he tells people that. He said if you stop him in an airport and they start talking he might miss his flight. He said he has done that a few times. He said he knows that people need that and he'll give it to you if you need it.
J.B. said one time he overheard this couple talking and this guy was going to a job interview. He said he saw this guy dressed like shit. He said he knew that this woman had picked out his suit. He said he went over to the guy and said he can't let him do this. He said he took him out to find some better clothes. He said he saw he was determined to get the job. He said that he had him take the jacket and tie off and had him put different clothes on. He said that he sent him off to his job interview. Howard asked if the got the job. J.B. said he has no fucking clue. He said he just had the guy dress nicer.
Howard said you have to put 200 percent of yourself into a job if you get it. J.B. said he's right. He said if you don't want to do it then don't do that. He said that he has a podcast called ''Can We Elaborate'' and that's what they talk about on there. He said they go into detail evaluating things. Howard said he gets quotes and affirmations and he has no idea what they're talking about. He said they go into that on his podcast. J.B. said they do.
Howard said he gave a lot of advice in his Book of Leon. He said he talked about going to the gym and he tells people that they have to work on their ''Get the fuck off of me'' muscles. J.B. said those are the muscles you have to use if you go to prison and someone is bothering you. He said you need those to get people to get the fuck off of you. He said you have to work on your legs and do pull ups and push ups.
Howard asked J.B. about being vegan and if he ever misses meat. J.B. said he's a kid from North Carolina so he's had everything. He said he's had bear, rabbit and squirrel. He said he's had it all mushed into a sausage. He said he's had it all. He said a snake is basically like a sausage. J.B. said that his father was a hunter and they lived in the projects. He said he'd come in and clean them in the living room. He said he didn't convert until he met his wife. He said she hasn't had meat in 25 or 26 years. He said that when he met her he was going to her house for lunch. He said it was always vegetarian. He said that's when he started eating vegetarian. He said that eight years ago she became vegan. He said 6 years ago he went full vegan himself. He said no cheese, eggs or meat. Howard said he admires that. J.B. said he may go up or down a pond and he's got plenty of protein. He said he's attached to a bunch of plant based products. He said his wife has the ability to make some great food. He said his wife can make a carrot hot dog. He said you soak that thing in seasonings and stuff and you grill it and it tastes like a hot dog. He said you can't taste it. He said it's fucking amazing. He said you won't even miss a hot dog. He said a real hot dog is one of the worst things you can eat.
Howard said J.B. gave some advice about not having roommates. He said that he says there shouldn't be more than two pairs of balls in a house. J.B. said that's right. He said you can't do it. You have to grow the fuck up.
Howard said he loves what he's doing in his career. He said he has some great stories from Saturday Night Live. He asked what the greatest bit was that he ever saw on Saturday Night Live. J.B. said that he has so many. He said there were some that did make it. He said he loved the pregnant in the ass sketch. He said it was Amy Poehler in the sketch. He said that made it on air. Howard said he pitched it and it got on air. J.B. said it was fucking crazy. He said the sketch was crazy. He said they made her butt huge in the sketch. He said it was the funniest reveal ever. Howard said there's nothing better than getting a sketch on air. J.B. said there's nothing better. He said if he's ever invited to do the show he would do a couple of things. He said if they don't let him do his own stuff he would do a musical monologue about the sketches that didn't get on air.
Howard said he loved the sketches that he talked about. He said he would pitch a sketch and it might not get on air but the pitches were great. He said every guy he talks to from Saturday Night Live says he was the best pitch man. J.B. said pitching ideas is easy. He said you're applying your stand up ideas to pitching. He said that he'd stand up and pitch his ideas standing up. He said most people sit down.
Howard said he's pleading with Lorne Michaels to put him on. He said that he has to see some of these sketches. He said that he'd love to see some of them get on. He said that he would love to see that hour and a half. Howard asked who he would like as a musical guest. J.B. said he would like his wife. He said that his wife was on Kimmel's show when he hosted. He said they were like the black Sonny and Cher. Howard said all of his great sketches would be on and he'd have his wife on. He said that would be so great.
Howard said he likes his wife. He said he would love to see her on with him. J.B. said when you meet her she lights the room up. He said she's so positive. He said she is an amazing business woman. He said she has this line called Basic Peace. He said that they're the go to couple. He said they have a New Year's party and all kinds of parties. He said everyone comes to their parties. He said that once in a while they get some good people. Howard asked if Larry David shows up. J.B. said he came to his 50th birthday party. He said he was the first one there. Howard said that's a faux pas. He said he will be the first one there too though. He said he wouldn't like him there.
J.B. said his party is more than a party. He said they keep it kind of small. He said pre-pandemic they had the biggest one ever. He said it was almost too out of control. He said no weed but the did have alcohol. He said the people they have over are respectful of their events. He said they will uninvite your ass next time. J.B. said they do stuff all year long. He said they have an RV party too. He said they take the RV to the beach and get a grill and they invite everyone out there. He said they have family and friends out there. He said he brings their bikes and other stuff out to the beach. He said it's just relaxing and having a good time. Howard said it sounds fabulous. He said he doesn't drink or smoke weed so he's fine with that. J.B. said you can go smoke in the woods if you want to.
J.B. told Howard about when Larry showed up 5 hours early to his party. J.B. said he got a call from him asking where he was hours early. He said he told him he can't show up that early.
J.B. said that the have a party and they keep it low key. He said that he'll invite people and they let them know at the last minute where it's going to be. Howard asked who his top 3 invites are. J.B. said he has some athlete friends. He said he has real friends and celebrity friends too. He said they're not that big. He said it's not Brad Pitt and Tom Holland showing up. He said he has friend friends who come. He said no one is huge. He said he thinks they work toward a certain place in their career and he goes to parties for these big things and once you get in a room you have to catch up and be there for those people. He said we're all in the same part. Howard said he likes this party idea. He said he knows he will see someone he sort of recognizes but he has to find out what they were in.
J.B. said he doesn't recognize anyone. He said that his wife knows. He said that she'll have to point them out to him. He said a lot of people like Curb and it's not that big of a deal to him.
J.B. said the new year's party isn't for them. He said it's for the people attending. He said it's a way to network and jump off the new year in a right way. He said it's to count your blessings too. He said you want to build on that. He said you want people to be inspired by something. He said that's what their parties are for. He said they're there for the jump off and not there just to get hammered. He said that they're there to motivate you to be a better person. Howard said he loves this idea.
Howard said he heard a story about J.B. and Mick Jagger. He said he heard that they asked him to come meet Mick and he said no because he had to work. J.B. said that it was a flight to Ireland. He said he can't just do that. He said he had to work the next day. Howard said rock stars can fly on a whim but J.B. has bills to pay. J.B. said he can't just fly to Ireland. He said he can't do that spur of the moment. He said they wanted him to put his fork and knife down and fly right out. He said he just got his food.
Howard said J.B. has a new production company called Alternate Side Production. He said he's the guy who created all of these great sketches. He said this production company is a long time dream for him. He said what J.B. does is offer J.B. to brain storm with people. He said this is how the Caesar's commercials came about. J.B. said they did call him about this idea. He said he's a seed planter. He said he's a dude who ate with the interns. He said he planted his seed so much that he gets calls from people he met 15 or 20 years ago. He said he does his work and he plants his seeds all over. Howard said he never planted any seeds. J.B. said he has to start. He said that you want people to be talking about you when you're gone.
Howard asked what the best seed was that he ever planted. J.B. said he can't pinpoint one person. He said you have to sell a brand and style that a lot of people are going to like. He said that some people won't believe in you. He said that you'll never get everyone. He said if someone believes in you then you can take that mother fucker anywhere.
Howard said he will give him an example of a seed he planted. He said he did an Audi commercial with Tom Holland. He said he was nice to him. He said that planted the seed to get him into the Marvel movies. He said he told him how great he was on that commercial and that was how he planted the seed. J.B. said that's perfect. He said that is a seed. He said that's a good example.
J.B. said that he has to do 45 minutes when he does his stand up. He said sometimes he'll do 2 hours. He said if they don't tell him to get the fuck off stage he won't get off.
J.B. said that he shot a commercial with Lebron once and it never came out. He said the director of that commercial calls him about doing the Caesar's. He said that he asked them to get him to play Caesar. He said that's because he showed him what he can do and how hard he works. He said he can sell things. He said he's an amazing salesman. He said if he believes in something he can sell it. He said he's 57 years old and he has been growing but he's also the same person. He said he adjusts to the times. He said he is a chameleon.
Howard said he adjusts to things around him. He said he will speed up or slow down depending on what's going on. Howard said he always tells people how much he likes him.
J.B. said as they get older he has to think about what he's going to do. He said he can't do stand up forever.
Howard said don't be nice to his staff because none of them are going anywhere. J.B. said the will think about things. He said Howard isn't giving them shit. He said that he's giving them shit that they will think about later. He said he's not doing it on purpose but they'll be able to pull from it later. He said that's what the blessings will be.
Howard said J.B. must have seen the Golden Globes and Eddie Murphy bringing up the Will Smith slap. He said he must have been shocked by the Will Smith slap. He said that shit was crazy. J.B. said that was hard to watch. He said you want to slap someone in a mall that's one thing. He said you can't do that on TV. He said he did the Chris Rock show and he knows Chris. Howard said he called Chris but he never called him back. J.B. said that was a huge disappointing thing to see. He said you don't know if it's going to happen again or not. He said he world is really nutty right now. He said you never know what's going to happen. He said people walk on stage and you don't want that shit to happen to anyone.
Howard said J.B. was at Saturday Night Live when Trump hosted. J.B. said it was great. He said back then it was just a regular thing. He said he used to love that fucking show he had. He said he liked that Apprentice. He said he wrote a sketch for Snoop Dogg to play The Apimptice. He said it didn't make air but it was funny. He said it got cut and almost made it on TV. He said he had to go tell everyone that the sketch was cut. He said he had to tell Snoop that the sketch was cut. He said the room was full of smoke when he got there.
J.B. said he never asks for anything in his career. He said he works hard and that's what he does. Howard said that's just like what he did with his wife. J.B. said he has missed opportunity because of that. He said he was in the airport and Cameron Crow was there. He said he was walking around waiting for his flight. He said he got a call about a movie a few days later. He said he went in to meet for this movie and Cameron Crow said he saw him there at the airport. He said he just sat there watching him for half an hour. He said Cameron told him he watched him in his zone. He said he said to himself that was his realtor in his movie. He said you don't know what it is about you that makes you desirable. He said you don't know what will make people gravitate toward you. He said just be yourself and people will see it in you. He said that he doesn't ask for shit because you can't have everything you want all the time. He said if he forces his hand to get shit all the time he's going to miss something else. Howard said he's really inspiring him today. He said the only thing he'd get at the airport is COVID.
Howard said J.B. is very inspiring. J.B. said on top of the production company they're going to be doing a lot of NFTs and comedy stuff. He said it's an amazing time to jump on his bandwagon right now. He said they sold a TV show called Dirty Pool. He said that he's doing another season of One Course for ESPN too. He said he's got a lot going on.
Howard said J.B. has done it again. He gave him a plug for the Carolina theater gig he's doing. He gave him a plug for the show he's doing for Team Coco. J.B. said that's called May I Elaborate. He said that they'll be back soon doing that.
Howard said please invite him to a party. He said he won't come but he'd like to be invited. J.B. said that he'd like to go out to dinner with him. He said Robin too. He said they can go to a Knick game together and maybe he'll get his feet on that wooden floor if he goes with Howard. Howard said he's going to get him down there. JB said he does work with them and he can get his seats there. He said he doesn't push for those seats though. J.B. said Howard was there with 50 Cent. Howard said he likes that guy. He said he's known him for a long time.
Howard thanked J.B. for being there and gave him some more plugs. J.B. said stay safe. Howard let him go and said he always looks good. Robin said it's a great look. He said it's another cream day.
Howard said that guy always teaches him stuff. He wrapped up the show around 10:35am.