Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about how they're back live this morning. He said they are live but Robin asked how he proves that. Howard said tickle his tits and you'll see. He said he tried calling Robin over the weekend and she didn't pick up. Robin said they didn't show up over the weekend and she just saw them this morning. Howard said he thought she might be dead or something. He said he knows she's fasting these days and maybe she passed out. Robin said she just heard that message. She said that he said she was too weak. Howard said she looks very thin. He said she lost all the weight in her face. Robin said she did lose some weight. Howard said she did it in two weeks.
Howard said they talk over vacation and he she told him that she's fasting. He said she told him there is nothing good for you to eat. He said she didn't eat for 5 days. He said she told her to eat something. He said he asked her if her doctors know about this. He said she knows better than everyone. He said for those listening that think her D-cups are getting smaller they're not. He said she lost the weight in all the right places. He said she has a healthy glow about her. He said she looks thinner in her shoulders too. Robin said she does.
Robin said she put on a top she usually wears and he pushes up the sleeves but this time they fell right down. Howard asked how much she's lost. Robin said she has been doing this for more than two weeks. She said she's lost a few pounds. Howard said she lost a lot. Robin said she did the fast for 5 days. Howard said she told him the first 4 days were horrible and then it got better. Howard said there's no way he's missing a meal. He said he eats in moderation but he can't not eat.
Howard said he has to say something about Robin's skin. He said he's getting that old person skin in places but Robin isn't getting that. Robin said her skin did get better. She said that she found some stuff that he should look into. She said that she found this stuff called sea moss and people eat it and put it on their skin. She said she was doing sea moss masks. Howard asked she's saying semen or sea moss. Robin said it's sea moss. She said she's not sure where it comes from though. Howard good for you Robin. Robin said it's good for you. She said it tightens up your skin. She said she could do facial treatments on him if he wants.
Howard asked what else she's doing. Robin said she's doing Keto too. SHE said she's doing this for health reasons. she said she ate yesterday. Howard said he thought she wasn't eating. Howard asked how much eating she's doing. Robin said she's experimenting. Howard said he tried to call her and she didn't call him back so he thought something was wrong.
Howard said he thought she was going to kill herself over there. Robin said she's been doing a lot of reading. Howard said good for you. He said she's always up to something. He said she looks good. Robin said the proof is in there somewhere. She said she doesn't have the pudding though.
Howard said he figured she has starved herself. Robin said she told some other people what she was doing and they thought she was dying.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dr. Now from My 600 Pound Life. He told Robin that this is not sustainable. He told her to eat something. Robin said that she read about a guy who hasn't eaten in 30 years. Howard laughed. Dr. Now kept going on about Robin not eating and said this isn't healthy. Robin said she shut up and didn't eat and now he's yelling at her. Dr. Now told her to eat 400 calories for lunch and breakfast. He said that she's not doing this right. He said she needs psychotherapy of she's going to eat like this. He said this is not good. Howard closed the door on him.
Howard took a call from fake Pete Davidson who asked if Robin wants to blow him while he plays Nintendo. He said he's turned on by her. He asked if she can still eat dick. Robin said no swallowing.
Howard said he tried to get in touch with Robin over the weekend but she didn't pick up. He said he tried. He said he understands. He said he was busy himself. Robin said she didn't see the messages. Howard said even if she saw them it's fine if she didn't want to talk. Robin said she called him first. Howard said he knows. He said it's no big deal so just know that. Robin said she wasn't concerned or upset. She said she was there starving and it's okay.
Howard asked Robin if she's doing another 5 day fast. Robin said she's stopped doing it when she felt uncomfortable. She said that the first 24 was nothing and then she went to the second and third and then she had done 5 days. Howard said that's fucking crazy. He said he could never do it. Robin said it's amazing how much time you have when you don't have to make food. She said it's amazing. She said she wonders what to do when she has so much time. Howard said she was living like a Ukrainian refugee.
Robin said people say you get saggy skin from not eating and this person in this book she's listening to said check out the Auschwitz pictures. She said they didn't have saggy skin. Howard said she's turning into an Auschwitz victim.
Howard said there are a lot of stories in the Jewish culture about different things and he went through the training as a child. He said on Yom Kippur you don't eat for the whole day. He said they used to go to Temple on that day and on Rosh Hashanna. He said the only happy holiday they have is Hanukkah. He said it still sucks though. He said even then you're unhappy. He said you see the Christian kids with the tree and all of that and it's depressing. He said he never got anything good for Hanukkah. He said it sucked for him. He said that his mother would ask what he wants and he'd tell her something and she'd ask what that is. He said he'd ask for Great Garloo and she didn't know what it was so he'd have to explain it to her. He said she didn't know what he was going to do with that. He did his impression of his mother and father talking about this Great Garloo robot.
Howard said they try to convince you that Hanukkah is better than Christmas but it's not. He said they celebrate 8 nights but Christmas is still better. He said his sister and cousins would get better stuff than him. He said he'd get like a rubber train or something and he'd sit in a corner and cry. He said he just wanted what they had.
Howard said Christmas is so much better. He said they have wonderful music. He said most of the songs are written by Jews. He said they never bothered to write a good Hanukkah song. He said they sang about spinning a dreidel. He had his parents yelling at him about the Great Garloo. He said name one good Hanukkah movie beside Private Parts.
Howard said he just remembers the big deal on Yom Kippur and not eating for the whole day. He said it made his life miserable. He said they went to temple on that one day. He said they wouldn't eat and his mother would get headaches and stuff. He said his mother would get all upset about the meal before that day. He said they'd have steak and he didn't want to eat steak. He said his father would tear into his steak and he wondered why they were doing that. He said his father was like an animal.
Howard said Yom Kippur is the day of atonement. He said if you don't eat for the day your sins all go away. He said he can't believe that people fall for that. He said that's the story they believe.
Howard said they'd drag him to temple for this thing. He said he believed what they told him. He said he thought that he was going to die if he ate.
Howard said Irving Berlin wrote ''White Christmas.'' He said he didn't write a song for Hanukkah though. He said he wrote a song for Christmas. Howard wrote his own Hanukkah song instead. He sang to the tune of White Christmas.
Howard said they would go to the temple and they'd tell him that God was looking down on him. He said that they told him all of this stuff and had him believing it. He said everyone's breath smelled bad from not eating. He said his mother was there miserable and saying this is so difficult. He said the misery sets in. He said then he sees his mother sneak a mint into her mouth. He said she tells him to shut up if he says anything to her. He said they keep you locked up in Temple all day. He said people have bad breath and some people will brush their teeth and some won't. He said his mother would and his father would yell at her for having water in her mouth. He said she didn't drink it though.
Howard said they do all of that and then they're singing. Fred had Ronnie singing sone of those chants. Howard said Ronnie is woozy. He said they bring out this noodle kugle. He said it was actually pretty good but he just wanted to be like everyone else. He said they had to skip lunch and then you eat at sundown. He said it was at like 7 o'clock. He said 4 o'clock comes around and his parents would say it was time to eat. He said he'd ask what was up with that. They told him not to be a wise guy. He said they can't wait to eat so they just eat at 4. He said they'd have a breaking of the fast and the plan was to eat light. He did his impression of his mother talking about all of this stuff.
Howard said his mother thinks her stomach shrank after a few hours of not eating. He said they'd have herring and bagel and lox. He said they would eat light. He said this was insanity. He said they didn't even make it until 4:30. He said it was all wasted that day. He said God was up there chiseling his name into stone.
Howard said his parents missed breakfast and lunch and that's it. He said later in life he'd ask about that and his mother would tell him it's too difficult to fast so they didn't do it anymore. He said she'd tell him not to be a wise guy and ask about it. He said all he knew is that they're never going to heaven because they're never leaving earth.
Howard said his mother was dying before they went on vacation. He said they were picking out caskets and all of this. He said now she's back. He said she's back to showering and getting her hair done. He said his father is off the wall though. He said they say he's not coming back. He said he has dementia. He said they say there's nothing they can do for him. He said they can't give him anything to cure him. He said then on top of that when he eats now he aspirates. He said they put him on some drug to help with that. He said the food goes into his lungs. He said that's the thing now with him. He said Beth knew what it was. He said his old man is a mess. He said the doctors tell him that they have to mash his food like baby food. He said the guy is almost 100 years old. He said he's like Dracula. He said some stuff they mash up. He said he got pneumonia from that. He said they put him on antibiotics for that. He said he's on everything. He said now he's okay sort of.
Howard said his dad is really skinny. He said he's an old man. He said he's all frail and shit. He said his mother tells him that he's too skinny. He said it's a lot. He said he and Beth go for a walk and people look like a bomb hit them. He said they see these people who look horrible. He said he sees them on TV too. He said he asks Beth if he looks better than them. He said that Beth will say that he looks so young. He said that he has seen pictures of himself lately and it's hideous. He said his hair is still dark though. He said he's not dying it. He said he has a lot of grey in it but it's not colored. He said that he has a great head of hair. He said it's almost a waste. He said it's too bad.
Howard played some audio of the judge telling the jury what they had to do with the forms they didn't fill out. Howard said they were told what to do before but they weren't able to follow directions. He said that they had to tell the court what the damages were. Howard said he wanted to hear the outcome of this but he had to go and work out instead. He said this was someone's life that they're dealing with. He said he comes back 45 minutes later and they were done with the whole thing. He said they came back with 15 million for Johnny and 2 for Amber. Robin said she's not sure what her financial situation is. Howard said he heard she's broke. He said he heard she won't even be in Aquaman. Robin said she saw a movie series over vacation where Johnny was swapped out for Jude Law. She said that must be one of the things he lost over this whole thing.
Howard said people were saying he was for Amber Heard in this case. He said he didn't come out for either one of them. He said he was kind of disappointed in himself over this whole thing. He said he doesn't have any craziness in his life. He said there were some Mafia like things that came out. He said they asked why he was never looking at her there in court. He said he told her that she would never see his eyes again. He said that's some Mafia like shit. Fred played some Godfather clip where they were talking about something like that.
Howard said it's unbelievable that he has so many women there. He said he's not sure how they don't have jobs. He said that they're out there going wild for him. He said they must think they can get a date with the guy. He said there was a rumor that he was dating his lawyer but that's not true. He played some audio of women going crazy for Johnny outside the courthouse. Howard said Amber was the villain but he's not sure who the real villain is. He said he can't tell.
Robin asked if Johnny really changed after the marriage. Howard said you take a look ate Amber and she is a beautiful woman. He said that dudes get all charged up and then they want pussy. He said they want it and then they get it on a regular basis. He said most guys... Robin cut him off and said they had a screen kiss and he jammed his tongue into her mouth and she fell in love. Howard said that's why this trial was great. He said this is the reality. He said that they talked about love scenes on set. He said Depp was talking about how that goes on set and you know what really happens.
Howard said Johnny had so many options and he starts fucking around. Robin said he had hall of fame women. She said that Jennifer Grey was engaged to Matthew Broderick and Johnny Depp in the same month.
Howard played some audio of Amber Heard coming out of court and no one was cheering her on. They were booing her. Howard said this woman was yelling out at her and it was something about a turd. She was yelling about why she looked like she had to poo.
Howard said that was some circus. He said he enjoyed watching it but he wasn't on a side. He said that he can't tell who was innocent or not.
Howard said they sent Wolfie out to interview some people at the courthouse in Virginia to find out what they were doing down there. He said Wolfie said the line was around the courthouse at 5:30 in the morning. Howard got him on and asked what it was like. Wolfie said they had to shut down the grounds at 1 in the morning because people were waiting there to get in.
Howard said this is an interview he did with someone there. Wolfie asked what this guy was doing and he was unemployed. Wolfie asked a few people what they were doing there and how long they had been there. Some were there from late the night before.
One of the guys Wolfie interviewed said he was a part time model. Wolfie said some people said they were self employed so you know they don't have a job. Howard said he thinks that means they don't have a job.
Howard said this woman thinks she's engaged to Johnny Depp. Howard played the clip and the woman said she is engaged to him and she has had Paparazzi on her ass. She sounded cuckoo.
Howard said all he knows is that if you're not getting laid there has to be someone out there for you. He said that woman sounds bat shit crazy. Wolfie said she had a huge gash on her head and she was wearing a beanie over it. He said there was almost blood seeping from her head. She invited him to her hotel room too. Wolfie said this girl was out there and she was cute too. He said she was demonstrating the sex moves she was talking about too. Howard asked if he would have gone with her if he wasn't married. Wolfie said probably. Howard said guys will fuck in any situation if the woman is hot. He said people don't get that. He said that you have a calculation in your head about what would happen there. He said just look at her body though and you wonder what would happen if you fucked. He said it's a hard math to figure out.
Howard said some women were wearing outfits to get Johnny's attention. He played more interviews that Wolfie did there at the courthouse. There was a woman who was talking about wearing a low cut top to get Johnny's attention. Wolfie said she was like an 8. He said 20 percent of the women there were hot. He said this one was one of them. Howard said listen to her voice though. He said she sounds like she's been screaming at Amber all day.
Howard said he's not sure how Amber is going to pay off Johnny. He said he's not sure she has the money. He said it's odd that these women want Johnny Depp. He did an impression of the woman with the scratchy voice talking about how much she wants him. Howard said now that he knows that girl was hot he wants to hear her clip again. He said it's really weird that the women say that Johnny can abuse them after he's been accused of abuse.
Howard played the clip of the woman talking about what Johnny can do to her again. He was doing his impression of her and talking about the crazy things Johnny could do to her in bed.
Howard said Wolfie interviewed a woman who showed up in a costume. He played the clip and the woman said she was dressed up as Amber Turd. She was wearing a turd cap and a brown blouse. She said she was there in support of Johnny. She said she thinks Amber saw her and she knew why she was dressed like that. Howard said that's wild that she's dressed up like a pile of shit. He said if you're her father you would lock her up and throw away the key.
Howard said you have to hear this. He played another clip where this woman talked about what she would do to Johnny in bed. She said she'd do everything with him. She said nothing would be off limits. She said if he wants to shit on her chest that's fine. She said that anything is fine.
Wolfie said that woman pushed other women out of the way so Amber would see her there. Howard said that's wild. He said the woman who showed up as Amber Turd gave Wolfie a Captain Jack Sparrow impression. Howard played the clip of her doing the impression and it was really bad. Howard said he's never seen one of those movies but he thinks that he would do better than that. Robin said he did. Howard said he seems like a real weirdo too. He said he speaks in that accent that sounds British. Howard said this accent he has is from hanging out with Keith Richards and he liked him so much that he started doing the impression all the time. He said Johnny is from Kentucky so you don't talk like that.
Howard said these women are still into the guy even after everything he was accused of in court. He said they just don't care.
Howard played a montage of women calling Amber a cunt and other names. Howard said it's wild. He said these women don't get why this woman is complaining about Johnny. He said they think that he's the greatest.
Howard said this is audio of a straight male who is a Johnny Depp fan. Howard played the clip and the guy said he's a fan and he's straight. He said he does find him attractive though. He said he would kiss him if he had the chance. He said if he could help him win the case he'd blow him too. Howard said this guy is full hetero but he'll do that.
Howard said this is Christina who said she was in Virginia for the case. Howard said he has to hang up because he can't deal with the bad connection. He said he's not even going to explain it to her.
Howard said this is one Amber Heard supporter. He said the Johnny Depp fans got the air horns out and drowned her out. He played the audio of that mess going on. The woman was saying that it was the Hollywood fixers who were making Amber look bad.
Howard said this is a sad day in America. He said half the country is fucking nuts. He said there's no common sense. He said they have nothing to do.
Howard said if he went out and stood at a courthouse with no job he'd be embarrassed. He said he went to college and he had to go out and find a job. He said he would walk around trying to find a job. He said every Amway salesman would pull up next to him and try to get him to ''learn the plan'' with them. He said he'd say sure. He said he'd show up to these meetings and try to get a job.
Robin said if Howard saw these women hanging out he might go there too. Howard said his dad would have killed him if he had gone to something like that. He said he'd take the train home to Long Island and he had nothing going on. He said there were jobs in the paper for sales so that's what he was looking for. He said his parents would give him the third degree about his job search. He said he'd go into the city and try to find something but it was tough. He said imagine if he had gone to the Johnny Depp trial. He did his impression of his parents yelling at him about that.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it turned out to be fake Johnny Depp who was saying that the best is yet to come and a new chapter has begun. Howard said everyone is talking about him now. He said he thought it was a bad career move but maybe he was wrong. Fake Johnny was rambling on and on about nonsense for a couple of minutes.
Howard said it takes Johnny a long time to get out a thought. Johnny paused for a few seconds and said he agrees. Howard asked what he wants to say to his fans. Johnny said some would say they're unemployed but he thinks they are full time warriors for the truth.
Howard asked if he's grateful for his fans. Johnny said of course. He said he hopes they continue to support him but from 500 yards away. Howard said they had one woman who had a big gash on her head but the devotion is incredible.
Howard asked Johnny what he has to say about this case. Johnny said he never set out to make Amber look bad. He said that everyone is calling her names but not him. He said he heard she lost her job in Aquaman 2. He said they may have been worried she'd drop a grumpy in the water tank and they'd have to drain it.
Howard asked Johnny if he hopes to fall in love again some day. Johnny said he's always seeking love in all walks of life. He said he's hoping to get back to life after this. Howard said he plays with Jeff Beck. Johnny said he has something to say about Jeff Beck. He paused and cleared his throat and said ''He's good.''
Johnny told Howard to check out and buy his cologne. Howard said he doesn't get that. He said he doesn't like the smell of that stuff. He said that if you wear it then the smell is always left behind. He said the only guy he knows who wears cologne is Ronnie. He said he likes that Mambo stuff. Johnny said Sauvage is much better. He said he thinks that would be above Mambo. He said he'd have to do a comparison though. Howard said they sell that stuff for as much as $155 a bottle. Howard asked what could be worth that much. Johnny said they have bottled his essence and they have it out just in time for Burning Man.
Howard asked if he guarantees that they will get laid wearing that stuff. Johnny said absolutely. Wolfie said that he looks like he smells like cigarette butts and cat piss. Johnny said that's what it smells like.
Howard said they say that you should try to find someone who you want to have a conversation with for the next 25 years when you're looking for a partner. He said he'll leave him with that. Howard let Johnny go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Ralph who was into that trial. Howard said he was texting him every minute about it. He said he had a link to a channel with 24 hours of that Johnny Depp. He said he was 100 percent into the thing. He said it's all he said, she said to him. Ralph said it was all about the evidence. He said she got taken apart and she lied on the stand. Howard said he's right about that.
Ralph said she bought the guy a huge knife. He asked who would do that if the guy was allegedly beating her. Howard said Robin has gotten him knives and he doesn't know what to do with them. He said that she got him one that was a pear knife. He said he didn't know why she got him something like that. He said he is using them though. Ralph asked how many he has. Howard said he has about 5. He said he won't knock her gifts. He said she goes over board with them.
Howard said Robin has gotten him a lot of useful things. He said that she gave him pens and he uses them. Robin said she knows that he has given some of her gifts away. Howard said he has and he's a hero when he gives them away. He said they're expensive gifts.
Ralph said that case over in England was completely different. He said he sued the paper. Howard said he has to go. He said all he knows is that he was following that trial and he was writing ''yes'' like 50 times when the case was settled. He said Ralph may be too into Johnny.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he just started up on the Metamucil stuff. He said it was a huge wave of cleaning himself out when he started. He said he's trying to lower his cholesterol. Howard said that's not for cholesterol. He said he's on something else for that. He said that the Metamucil is for the doody. He said he was pushing too hard so the doctor told him that he had the start of Diverticulitis but he didn't have it yet. He said that he was told he had to get a lot of fiber in his diet and that's what they told him to take. Robin said they do say that fiber can help with cholesterol.
Howard said he loves his Metamucil. He said it tastes like apple pie. He said he puts it in his yogurt with other stuff. He said he has a massive doody about an hour later. He said it floats and that's a good thing. Robin said she has never heard anything about the floating thing. Howard said he read it somewhere. He said he doesn't have to push and he cleans up with his Toto Toilet. He said that's what he does.
Howard said he has a friend who is having trouble shitting. He said he told him about Metamucil and this guy is kind of fat. He said he's a smart guy but the guy didn't just eat two crackers. He said he ate a whole box. He said you can't do that. He said the guy got up and shit started pouring out of his ass. He said he ate the whole fucking box. Howard said you can't do that. He said he has two crackers a day.
Howard said yesterday he went to the bathroom and it looked like a private island in his bowl.
Howard played the Metamucil song that the guys came up with. They sang about Metamucil and how it makes you shit. Howard said that's high brow humor.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and talked up The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones song and talked about hitting the post and how he used to get yelled at by his boss at WNBC when he'd screw that up. He said they played the worst music there. Howard spent a minute talking about Imus and the stuff that went down there.
Howard said last night he was hoping to get enough sleep so he watched the MTV Movie Awards. He said he used to love MTV. He said that they would play music videos and it was so great watching the music videos. He said it was such a great time. He said then it went away. He said he saw that Beavis and Butt-Head are coming back and he can't wait for that. He said that will be on Paramount+.
Howard said the fucking TV didn't work last night. He said he was calling the TV guy to help him out. He said he had like 10 minutes to watch something. He said he wanted to watch Stranger Things. He said then Beth came in and watched some Stranger Things with him. He said that they have this new Beavis and Butt-Head thing and it looks so funny. He said they're from an alternate universe and show up in current times. He said Mike Judge is a genius.
Howard said he was watching the MTV awards and hoping that would put him to sleep. He said it's so weird now. He said they give away that statue that looks like a giant box of popcorn but it's metal. He said you have to see this. He said J-Lo comes on and they give her the greatest entertainer of all time award. He said that when his movie came out he won the Blockbuster award. He said it's not around anymore. He said they told him advance that he was going to win. He said he showed up when they told him that.
Howard said J-Lo was crying her eyes out over this popcorn award. He said she's thanking the fans and all of that. He said it was too much for him. He said he couldn't handle it. He said they were showing her accomplishments and he didn't recognize any of her songs other than Jenny from the Block. He said that her chin was quivering from crying so much. He said it's a goof if you win that award and she was crying over it. He said you have to see the clip.
Howard said Jada Pinkett Smith opened her mouth up about the whole incident. He said she has her Red Table Talk podcast and she talked about that whole thing. Howard said he has the J-Lo speech first though. He played a clip of J-Lo crying over this box of popcorn award.
Howard said Beth walked in and saw this going on. He said she asked if she was holding a box of popcorn. Howard said the funny thing is that they gave Poopies from Jackass an award 10 minutes before this award.
Howard said the host was a knockout. He said it was Vanessa Hudgens. He said she was changing outfits through the show. He said her titties were barely covered by the end of the show. He said she should not try to be funny though. He said she has this really bad laugh she'd do when she'd say something she thought was funny. Howard played a montage of clips of her laughing at her jokes.
Howard said his boner was so confused by that. He said it was funny watching the J-Lo getting a box of popcorn award. He said that Olivia Rodrigo beat out the Beatles documentary. He said they have to be kidding about that. He said that's a goof.
Howard said the best celebrities don't even show up there. He said Tom Cruise, Tom Holland and Ryan Reynolds didn't show up.
Howard said he had to fly somewhere so he downloaded a Spider-Man movie and he thought it was the newest one because he asked the guys and they told him it was ''No way Home.'' He said he had already seen it. Jason said that there's one called Far from Home and one that's ''No Way Home.'' Howard said they should have told him that. He said that Ralph actually told him the right one. He said he must have downloaded the wrong one. He said fuck Apple. He said they should have had the right one come up first.
Howard said now he hasn't even seen the newest one. He said he watched the movie again since he didn't have anything else to watch. He said they screwed that one up because they had Zendaya knowing that he was Spider-Man right away. He said he likes that Zendaya. He said she's like a kid though. He said she's very young. Robin said she is in her early 20s. Howard said she's a good looking girl. He said she's on that show Euphoria too. He said they ugly her up for that and she's still hot.
Howard said he never did stand up so he's not sure what he would do. He said that he would just do it on his show anyway. He said he has that act just in case. He said that he did write it out. He said then he went back and wrote it out longer form. He said then he started getting bored with it. He said it was a lot of work for something he's never going to do. Robin asked where he gets these ideas. She said he's never going to do it.
Howard asked Ralph why he didn't tell him not to get confused by his Spider-Man thing. Ralph said he wrote it out for him. He said it even has the date on it. Howard said it should have come up. He said he saw Far From Home twice. Ralph said he'll send him a link. He said Obi-Wan Kenobi got really good last week. He said it's the prequel on Disney+. He said it's really good. Howard said he's waiting for all the episodes to be on. Ralph said this is so good that you won't forget about it. He said put it in your nerd calendar.
Howard said what he's excited about is Jeff Bridges in a new series called 'The Old Man'' on Hulu this month. He said he's intrigued by this. He said that he loves the FBI shows. He said this sounds good to him. He said this is a former CIA agent off the grid and this sounds good to him. Ralph said it's going to be a weekly show.
Howard said he heard that this Elvis series is really good too but he never liked Elvis. He said he's not going to watch that. He said he'd watch the fat and bloated Elvis. He said the guy was dressed up in a cape that wasn't cool. He said he wore a half cape. He said what a hillbilly he was.
Howard said he's not looking forward to the Kevin Spacey comeback. He said he's loving forward to the Beavis and Butt-Head thing. He said that he has to give a shout out to the Love on the Spectrum show on Netflix. He said it's a great show.
Howard said his wife told him that she has to post about stepping in shit and stuff instead of just the cute stuff. He said that's what they have to show on Love on the Spectrum. He said they don't show the bad parts there. He said JD won't watch the show because it's too painful for him. Ralph said it's because they're like him. Howard said he loves the show. He said it's very sweet. He said he feels their pain.
Howard said he likes Hacks too. Ralph said the show ''The Offer'' is great. Robin agreed. She said the show is really good. Howard said he has no desire to see that. He let Ralph go after that.
Howard said he was talking to JD about this and he said she never mentioned her Alopecia before on her podcast. He said that she's crying on like everyone knew. He said Chris didn't know. Robin said she is a stunning woman without hair and it can't be that horrible. Howard said he had her on the show and his dick was doing a dance in his pants. He said she is so super hot. Robin said she has never revealed this but she has alopecia. She said Howard doesn't have to say anything about that. Howard said she has gorgeous hair. Robin said she usually wears a hat. Howard said she looks beautiful. Howard said his father had it too. Robin said she read a comment about her being fat and bald. She said she didn't have someone go and slap that guy.
Howard said he's all for protecting your home with a gun but they have to do something with the ARs. He said in New York they have you modify it and they call it a Gay-R. He said they call it that because they have to make it less effective. He said guns are a necessary evil and they have to stop this epidemic of mass shootings. He said they have to outlaw the AR-15. He said that it's one of the best home defense weapons in America. He said that it's number 1. He said you won't miss the mark with this thing. He said you will be able to hit whatever you aim at. He said you can at least change the age of people who can buy these things.
Robin said the assholes you elect to congress aren't representing you. Howard said he knows that the gun people are going to call him and saying he's wrong then the anti-gun people will call and say he's wrong.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake William Shatner who said he's sorry to hear about Robin's affliction. He said he has no idea what it's like being bald. Howard said he appreciates him coming in there to say something to Robin about that. He said he has a full head of hair. Bill said he has a full head of luscious hair. He said Robin can come over and run her fingers through it but just don't tug on it too hard. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said Ronnie stopped tweeting titty pictures during the school shooting tragedy. He said that he was asking people for prayers. Howard asked if Ronnie even prays.
Howard said Ronnie had COVID. Ronnie said he was off of Twitter for 2 weeks. Howard asked how bad it was. Ronnie said it was bad. He said he had a low grade fever and a sore throat like he's never had in his life. He said it was like a fire ball down his throat. Howard asked if he took that Paxlovid stuff. Ronnie said it was something else. He said he can't remember what it was called. He said it worked well. He said he had some codeine cough medicine too. He said that was the main thing. He said the sore throat was the worst. He said he wasn't able to eat for like 5 days.
Howard said Ronnie quit doing the titty pictures for a while. Ronnie said he was exhausted and wasn't able to do anything. He said he was just watching TV. He said he saw this cop show called Bosch. He said it's really good. He said it's so long that he's still watching it.
Howard said he knew Ronnie was going to get COVID. He said he pointed it out a few weeks back. He played the clip from the show that they did just a few weeks ago. Ronnie was blaming his throat issues on the dry weather. Ronnie said he thought he was getting a cold and he was going to get the next booster shot and he wasn't able to do it. He said he found out he got COVID and that was it. He said the home test showed he was negative.
Howard said Ronnie still got out 140 new sexy pics while he was sick. He said that this was on the day of the shooting that he wrote about people praying for the families in Texas. Howard said Ronnie doesn't pray so he knew it was bull. Ronnie said he's just trying to be nice. He said that's what he was doing. Howard said he approves of the nice stuff but he knows he's not praying. He said he just instructed his fans to pray. Ronnie said Howard tell his fans to do things he doesn't do. Howard asked what. Ronnie didn't have any examples.
Howard said he heard Ronnie wasn't able to have sex. Ronnie said he usually gets horned up from taking meds for a cold or something. He said this time his dick was dead. He said he wasn't able to do anything. He said Stephanie sent him a sexy video and that didn't even do anything for him. Howard said he thinks that's unbelievable. He said she must be wild in bed. Ronnie said it was a shower kind of thing. He didn't want to get into it. Ronnie said he was staying away from her and she sent him this video to him and it did nothing for him. Howard said it's great that she did that for him though.
Howard asked about the shower video and Ronnie said she was able to do it in the shower with her phone. He said she claims that it's water proof. Robin asked when his dick came back. Ronnie said when he started feeling better.
Howard said Ronnie had tweeted out some ass pictures and the women had pimples on their asses. He said one woman had a boil looking thing on her ass. He said it was the size of a planet.
Howard said then Ronnie retweetd a picture that had ''Texas school massacre'' in it. He said Ronnie didn't even see it. Ronnie said he didn't. Howard said he really has to watch that stuff.
Chris said Ralph was offered a drink and he was told if he has a tree nut allergy he can't have it. He said Ralph was arguing with the waitress over tree nut allergies being real or not.
Chris said last time they went out they almost got their asses kicked. He said some guy was crossing the street so Ralph called the guy a douche bag when he almost got hit by a car. He said the guy came over asking who the fuck said that. He said that was scary.
Howard said he has seen Ralph get his ass kicked twice. He said one time he got into an argument and Ralph went down quick. He said he did not do well. He said the second time he thinks he got knocked out. He said he wasn't there but he got punched at a strip club.
Howard asked where Ralph is. Gary said they keep calling and it keeps going to voicemail.
Howard said there he is. He got Ralph on the line and asked about his drinking. Ralph said he stopped for a while but now he drinks occasionally. He said he drinks with Chris. Howard said he can't handle it. He said he has to stop.
Ralph said he didn't hear the whole conversation. He said he was on delay. Howard went over some of the stuff they talked to Chris about. Ralph said the waiter was talking about nut allergies. He said 30 yeas ago you never heard about that. He said that's all bull.
Howard said he has to stop saying he's sober if he's not. Ralph said he was when he talked to him that time. Howard said he gets his ass kicked when he gets drunk. He said he won't get into the whole thing but he did get knocked out at the strip club. He said he had said something to someone in the bathroom there and he thought he was joking around but the other guy didn't think they were so he got hit.
Howard said he heard Chris is sober from cock. Chris said he hasn't had anyone since November when he was down in Panama. Howard said alright you two. He said he thinks he's done. He said that Ralph was telling him he was sober and now he's back to drinking. Ralph said he drank twice in the last 9 months. Howard said listen to your behavior. Ralph said Chris is just trying to get on air with the stories. Chris said that he did start saying ''cunt'' out loud. He said they hadn't even sat down yet. Howard said he has seen Ralph in action and he has told him to calm down.
Howard said he heard Chris met this guy in a wheelchair and he might hook up with the guy. Chris said he really doesn't want to get COVID so he has to think about it all. He said the guy is hot and he has a big cock. He said he happens to be in a wheelchair. He said he can't get him into bed because he has stairs to go up. Howard said he could blow him in the lobby. Howard said he has to end the show. He said they only took one break. He said they can get to more tomorrow.
Howard said there's a teacher on the phone saying there's no protection in schools. Howard said he feels her pain. He said this is a mess. He said the mental health thing is an issue too but when Biden tried to put money into that the republicans voted it down. He said they can't do that and then go on TV and say that mental health is the reason that this is happening.
Howard said he doesn't know how you get over losing a child in a shooting like that. Robin said that she was watching a woman who lost her brother in a shooting like that and she's devoted her life to trying to make changes.
Howard said they barely made a dent in what he wanted to get to today. He said they have a whole Will Smith Audiobook thing to do. He said that the guys put that together. He said he'll do that tomorrow.
Howard said he didn't get to talk about Ray Liotta. He said he'll talk about that tomorrow. He said he looked up some people he grew up with and 3 of them are dead. He said he made that mistake.
Howard said tomorrow they'll talk about everyone on the staff who has COVID. He said they'll talk about all of the Baba Booey's at golf tournaments. He said Gary had COVID too. He said he goes all over the place. He said he thinks he got it at the Pink concert. Gary said it was the Bottle Rock concert. Robin said she thought about going but she changed her mind. Gary said she had a friend coming from London and she had to cancel. Robin said she was considering going with Gary but she remembered this friend was coming. Howard said Gary was out in California for the Def Leppard show too.
Howard asked Gary how bad it was for him. Gary said he was feeling pretty shitty but he got the Paxlovid thing and that was a game changer. He said he was feeling better pretty quick. He said he wore a mask on the airplane and in cars while he was traveling. Howard said they'll get to this again tomorrow. He ended the show around 10:20am.
Howard said he has had great experiences in his life and he doesn't remember them at all. He said Gary remembers it though. He said he remembers them coming on the show but not this jam thing. Robin said she thinks she would have remembered that too. Howard said he thinks past Howard had a lot of fun. Robin said the current Howard doesn't remember it.
Howard said when they were at K-Rock they had a lot of great music and he loved the Stone Temple Pilots. He said you could make up a lot of stuff about him and he would believe it. He said if the NY Times wrote it up then it must have happened. Mike said it locked it in his brain that he was the greatest in the world. He said now he's there on the show.
Howard said he probably went to see the concert and they asked him to come out on stage and he did it. Mike said they say in the paper that he did it on a whim and he didn't know their music that well. He said he became a Meat Puppets fan that night. Howard said he knew their hits but not all of their stuff.
Robin said they must have known why Howard was there at the concert. Howard said he must have said something on the show. He said what's interesting is that he's trying to remember and he can't. He said it sounds like a fun night. Robin said there's been a few things like that. She said they had the Walter Mercado thing on a show and they had him on the show and she didn't remember that either. Howard said he doesn't remember that either. He said he doesn't remember a lot. Howard said he doesn't think it's because of his memory. He said he thinks it's just he's had a full life and he can't remember it all.
Howard said Mike had just started listening to the show at the time. He said he felt bad for the two guys in Stone Temple Pilots because the had no control over Scott Weiland. He said they had this killer band and the Deleo brothers had so much hassle with Scott. He said Scott was so talented.
>Howard said there's a story about Scott walking down the street and he went up to some cops and just confessed he had some heroin on him. He said he turned himself in. He said he just got nervous. Howard said he was so upset when Scott died. He said the guy he can't get over is the drummer from the Foo Fighters dying. He said Taylor Hawkins was such a good guy.
Robin said he was saying he needed to slow down and all of that. She said that happened before this all happened. Howard said he read that too. He said the Foo Fighters are saying he never had that conversation with them but friends are saying they heard it from him. Robin said he had a heart condition. Howard asked what it was. Robin said it was an enlarged heart. Howard said it sounds like a good thing to him.
Howard said this is the Robin he loves. He said she's searching for answers and this is what she does. He said he has some email about that. He read some feedback about her fasting and sea moss skin care routine. He read a few comments and said he remembers Robin getting on her green drink routine and how she had people there helping her out with all of that. He said he was just sitting there thinking about how fantastic it was. He said she'd come in with her green drinks. He said it took a village to feed Robin.
Howard read more about her fasting and sea moss stuff. People were fascinated with the whole thing. Howard talked about Robing getting her colonics and stuff like that with her people too.
Howard said Robin also revealed that Robin has alopecia and people wrote in about that. He said people are happy she came forward on that. Howard read some feedback about that.
Howard said he has some bonus tape of Lenny Dykstra talking about that. He said he was so turned on by Robin. He said she made a big mistake by going there. Howard said Lenny was really turned on by that. He said here it is. He played the clip and Lenny said it doesn't bother him at all. He asked if that means you lose your hair everywhere. He wondered if she has lost her bush because of that.
Howard said that was Lenny's music playing there. He said he had it going the whole time. Mariann said imagine if Robin gave them that and had Lenny with her. Robin asked where her gift is. Howard said she'd get her vagina eaten by Lenny. Howard asked if she has no hair down there. Robin said not at all. She said you can have partial hair loss or any variation of that. Howard asked how cool that would be. He said that would be unbelievable. Robin said she has to shave her underarms and that too. Mariann asked if it comes from stress or what. Robin said it can. She said it can be auto immune. She said she had Chemo and her hair never grew back. Howard asked if it's from alopecia or is it from the Chemo. Robin said it's from her Chemo but that's what they call it.
Howard said his dad had horrible alopecia. He said he lost his hair at like 19. Howard said that's horrible. He said he probably was thinning at that point. He said his dad is no Johnny Depp. Mariann said his parents were so nice when she met them at K-Rock on the last day.
Howard said his dad looks like Uncle Junior on the Sopranos. Mariann said that's a good look.
Howard said Judd Apatow is a very talented guy. He said he's done a bunch of things and he's a very funny guy. He said he's been on the show. He said he's doing this thing and he does documentaries and they're great. Robin said he did the Garry Shandling documentary. Howard said that's it.
Howard said what a life George Carlin had. He said the guy did drugs and he never believed it. He said that he's not sure why but he had trouble believing that he did that. He said he felt the same about Robin Williams. He said these guys do such great work even when they're doing drugs. He said it makes you think you have to be on drugs to be funny.
Howard said George was such a family man and when his wife died he was really upset. He said he got remarried and it's a remarkable documentary. He said it's an awesome thing. He said he'd recommend checking it out.
Howard said George reinvented himself a couple of times in his career. He said he got political at one point and then he saw Sam Kinison working and he thought that's what he had to do. He said they pointed out in the special that he was able to change. He said he was able to reinvent himself. He said he came back with some fierce stuff. He said most comedians can't do what he did. He said there was one part where he was at Lenny Bruce's show when he got busted. He said he got arrested along with Lenny. He said he had a remarkable life. He said this is so worth watching. Robin said he didn't tell her about that. Howard said she was busy starving herself. He said she was fasting.
Howard said George was smoking pot at 13 and he quit school in 9th grade. He said he went on to have a great career.
Howard said the advice he'd give is to get someone to represent him. He said he has to get someone. He said judges like things done a certain way and he needs someone to do that for him. He said he has to get a job and some money. He said he's not going to do well in court if he goes in like that. Robin said he has to have somewhere to go if he has custody. The caller said he is on SSDI but he isn't making enough to go to court with a lawyer. He said he gave everything to his wife when they split. He said he's giving her $1000 a month in child support. Howard asked if he's giving that much with SSDI. The caller said he is. He said she's getting the $1000 out of his SSDI and he's getting $1600 a month for himself.
Howard asked why he can't work. The caller said he was in a car accident. He said he has a brain injury and lost the use of his right leg. Howard asked what the wife is saying he's doing to her. He said that she's claiming mental abuse. He said he swears on his mother's grave and his kids that he doesn't do that.
Howard said if he has to go to court he's going to need a lawyer. He said with all of this going on he has to get someone. He said if he has a brain injury and all of that going on then he has to get someone. He said he just said that in all of this time he never had the police called on him once. He said he's bragging about that and he can't be doing that in court. He said this guy, Joe, isn't good at answering these questions.
Howard said maybe Joe can find someone who is in law school or something. He said he has to find someone. He said they're going to have a field day with him. He said Joe sounds like a good guy. He wished him luck.
Howard said he can't be going into court and bragging about not having the police called on him in 20 years. He said he has to have someone advise him on this kind of stuff. He said it's a complicated thing.
Howard said it would be nice if they could get some sort of mediation and sit down and talk about it. He said maybe have the kids 50 percent of the time each. He said that's their best bet. He said that's what his advice is to him. He said that he should tell her that he's not looking to bust anyone's balls.
Howard said by the way don't tell the judge that he asked him for advice. He said people don't like him. He asked if there was a breaking point for his wife that took the sizzle out of his marriage. Joe said there were a lot of things. He said COVID didn't help. He said the marriage was getting difficult for a time. He said it was infidelity on her behalf. He said this story goes on. He said it's like a bad movie. Howard said its the worst when your wife is fucking other dudes. He said he had a girlfriend who was fucking his friend. He said that she told him she didn't know they were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Howard asked if Joe's wife was fucking the other guy and withholding sex from him. Joe said she was fucking both of them. He said he's never seen the guy. He said his son called her out on it and that's when everything went to shit on them. He said that the kids are with her right now. Robin asked how old they are. Joe said they're 11 and 13.
Howard said he has good news. He took a call from a guy who said he's a lawyer. The guy said they have local lawyers who are willing to do this kind of thing for free. He said reach out to your local BAR association and they may be able to help him out.
Howard said he wishes Joe luck with this. He said that this is a nightmare. Joe said it really is. Robin said you see this often. She said people make a mistake and then they get mad at you. Howard asked if Joe thinks it has to do with his car accident. Joe said it's been 5 years. Howard said he should have said that it did have to do with that. He said this is why he needs a lawyer. He said he has to play that up. Joe said okay.
Howard said he feels for Joe. He asked when he last saw his kids. Joe said that it was a couple of days ago. Howard asked if he's going to call the BAR association. Joe said he's going to do that. Howard said let him know how it goes. Howard said if there's any ladies out there looking for a guy like this just let them know.
Howard said Joe will be alright. He said he hopes that there's a lot of good free lawyers out there. He said maybe just start over.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he represented himself in court and he was successful. The caller, Josh, said he did it but it was not easy. He said it took 2 and a half years. He said he was watching the kids while his wife was out having a good time. He said you can do it. He said he lives in Chicago and you have to know your state's custody laws. Howard said Joe doesn't have time for this. He said he needs help. He said if he needs 2 and a half years then he should just go to law school. Josh said it cost him $35,000 with a lawyer. He said he went broke with that. He said you have to know the laws and how to do it all. He said everything is online. He said that's it. He said it's not easy but it's free if you do it yourself. He said he wanted to see his kids so he did it. He said now he gets his kids for a week. He said they go week by week. He said it's all about money. Howard said this guy has the gift of gab. He said Joe didn't know how to play the game. He said he's going to end up in jail if he represents himself.
Josh went into detail about how he got his child support lowered and how the judge shook his hand in his chambers after that. He said he was pulling for him. Howard said if Joe can pull this off that will be great. He said that he has to go for it if he wants it. Howard said let him know how it goes. Robin asked Joe if the wife is still seeing the guy she was sleeping with. Joe said yes. Fred played Gilbert Gottfried laughing drops. Howard said he doesn't want to laugh at that. He said what a fucking world this is.
Howard answered a knock at the door and fake Arnold Schwarzenegger told him whatever he does don't fuck the maid and have a kid with her. He said the judges hate that. Howard thanked him for that. Arnold told him to just jerk off. He said it's not worth it. He said let her clean it up.
Howard said every man needs a maid. Arnold said get a male housekeeper. He said that can backfire sometimes but just do it. Howard said it's nice of him to give this guy some advice. Arnold said he still gets hard when he smells the Pine-Sol. He said that he likes it when a woman passes gas while cleaning. He said his senses are so strong. He said his dick gets stiffer than a mop. He said use him to clean the floor. Howard let him go after that.
Howard wished Joe luck again and let him go. He said his wife is busy with the other guy fucking and sucking. He said Joe just wants custody of the kids. Fred played more of Gilbert laughing. Howard said he really has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and talked about what a great name Godsmack is for a band. He said they love Led Zeppelin. He said they say that their biggest influence was Led Zeppelin. He said Zeppelin rarely did this song in concert because it was so hard to play.
Howard said he didn't know that John Paul Jones wrote that song. He asked Fred if he wrote that. Fred wasn't there to answer. Howard asked why he can't get Fred on. He said he must have died over vacation. Jon Hein gave him an answer about that. Fred came on a second later. Howard asked what happened. Fred said he went up to get a cup of coffee. He said he must have been slow.
Howard was joking about how Fred is in Ukraine fighting. He said he's the one who killed that general. Howard said he used to be afraid of the Russian army until this war happened. He said it seems like they're not that great. Howard said he remembers the cold war and how afraid everyone was of them. He said what a waste of time this is. He said they're making a mess over there in Ukraine. He said there's no reason for this attack. He said they're killing women and children for what? He said Putin would have been dead already if this happened with the Israeli army. He said they have that Mossad that would go after him. He said they'd just sneak in and kill people at night. He said no one even know what hit 'em.
Howard said he keeps reading about this war and people are suffering and there's no reason for it. He said they say that Putin may have Parkinson's or other things and this is like his last hurrah. He said that they say a lot of stuff like that. Robin said they said that about Hitler too. She said she's not sure why they say that. Howard said they used to say some crazy stuff about that guy. He said we have guys like that here in this country like that. He said he won't get into that right now.
Howard said he wants to mention Ray Liotta. He said he was in Goodfellas and Godfather. He said if he had to watch only one he'd probably go with The Godfather. He said Martin Scorsese said his only regret is never working with Ray again. Howard said he understands that. He said the guy is a good actor.
Robin said Ray did a show with J-Lo and he was good in that. Howard said he can't watch that. He said they have some girls on FBI who are really hot. He said you should see these girls.
Howard said Ray was 67 and that sounds young to him. He said that a lot of people in their 60s are dropping dead. He said he did a lot of amazing movies. He said he was in Goodfellas playing Henry Hill. Robin said he did Henry so well. Howard said Ray was on the show in 2001 and he told them about that role. Howard played a clip from that show.
Howard said one of the best scenes in Goodfellas is when Joe Pesci gets him to laugh. He said he had Henry's laugh down. Howard played a clip from the movie. Howard played a clip of the real Henry laughing on the show too.
>Howard said Ray was a good looking guy too. Robin said he was a manly man. Howard said you look at him and you see a womanly man. Robin said stop it. Howard said he had piercing blue eyes. He said in 2012 Tan Mom and her husband were on the show and her celebrity fantasy was Ray. He said that Sal called in as Ray and he didn't even try to disguise his voice. Howard played a clip from that day. Tan Mom said that she would love to kiss and hold him.
Howard said just to be fair it's easy to trick someone with a plate in their head. Howard said Tan Mom was really broken up about this news. He said they called her to find out what she felt. Howard played a clip of her talking about how it was one of the most depressing days of her life. Memet asked her for her top 3 Ray Liotta movies. She could only name one. She didn't remember the other two. She thought he played Joe Pesci in some movie.
Howard said Gary Audiobook is on the phone. He took the call and the guys played some audio clips of Gary talking about the movie Goodfellas. Howard cut them off and said you should try to get a copy of that book for yourself. Howard said he has so much to get to today. He said he interrupted it with that.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Donald Trump. He said he needs a place to vent so here he is. Howard asked him some questions about what he's up to and how people are still thinking he's president. Trump said people are still donating to him and he's finally a billionaire.
Howard asked fake Trump what he did over Memorial Day. Trump said he took the kids out to strangle sea turtles with their bare hands.
Howard asked how things are going at Mar-A-Lago. Trump said it's a party every night there. He said he's a republican king maker. He said anyone trying to win anything has to come to him and kiss the ring. He said he makes them do weird stuff and they all do it. He said he made Dr. Oz fart into his own stethoscope and he almost blew his ears out. He had some other things that he had these people doing for him. He said every person he endorsed has won.
Howard asked Donald what he thinks about this gun control thing. Trump said that people are blaming the guns but they should take a close look at doors. He said doors today are a total disaster. He said everyone agrees with him.
Howard said this Great Replacement Theory thing is what people are saying caused his shooting. Trump said he's all for that when it comes to his wives. He said replace them every 10 years.
Howard asked Trump about Top Gun and what he thought of that. Trump had some thoughts on that. He said that he also watched the Johnny Depp trial and had some thoughts on that too.
Howard asked Trump for his thoughts on Will Smith and Chris Rock. Trump said this is an example of black on black crime. He had a few things to say about that too. He said everyone should be able to beat their critics. He said there are some people he'd like to do that to. He mentioned CNN and Anderson Cooper.
Howard asked fake Trump to rate some women for him. He asked Trump about Heidi Klum and he said don't go down on her because look at Seal's face and the scars on it. He asked where they think they came from. Howard asked about Camilla Parker Bowles and Trump said some ugly things about her. Howard asked about Emily Ratajkowski and what he thinks about her. Trump wasn't able to pronounce her name so he didn't comment on her. Howard asked about Gal Gadot and Trump said he'd rate her at an 8. Howard thanked him for giving his ratings for those women.
Howard said one thing about him is that he breaks them down in ways they can understand. He said most of us are stupid so they need that. Robin said he talks like the people. Howard said he doesn't like the people but he talks like them. Trump said he likes his family and loves Ivanka. He said what a knock out she is. He said he has to go because Mitch McConnell is there and he's going to gargle his balls right now. Fake Mitch did that before the door was closed on both of them. Howard said that was entertaining.
Howard said Ronnie has been retweeting titty pictures today. Ronnie said he did that before the show. He said he isn't doing it now. Howard said he thinks he should have more followers but he sends out the naked pictures and you can look kind of pervy. Robin said you can't open that just anywhere.
Howard said Gary also had COVID and Michael Rapaport left a message about that. Howard played that clip and Michael went off on him about getting COVID. Howard asked Gary why he's still working from home. Gary said he's been in the office. He said he's been in a couple of times. Howard said just go in every day. He said he's sitting at home because of COVID but he's going out to concerts and getting COVID. Gary said he can go to work. He said he goes in when there's a guest. He said it doesn't make sense to go in. Howard said he thinks he should go in. Robin said she thinks there is a sentiment out there where people are quitting if they have to go in full time. Howard said he just wants him to get his work done. Gary said he goes in when he has to.
Howard said he's trying to figure things out and how he can get back to his life. He said he sees friends on Social media having parties and acting like there is no pandemic. He said he asked Dr. Agus how to get back to life. He said he had his kids with him over vacation and they tested to try to make it safe. He said they're being careful. He said he doesn't know how to get back into it. He said Dr. Agus gave him some tips. He said he would rather not say what he told him. He said they're trying to figure things out.
Robin asked if they have the testing at Sirius. Howard said he's not sure. Gary said not at Sirius. He said you have to be vaccinated. He said he's not sure if you have to show it to get in anymore.
Robin said at one company they have to test every 2 days. Howard said Gary is busy going everywhere but he's not going into work. He said when it comes to entertainment he's going out. Robin said he's showing that he'd rather not catch it at work. He'd rather be having a good time. Howard said they're not even requiring masks at Sirius now.
Howard took a call from Michael Rapaport who went off on Gary again and called Gary a super spreader and said he could kill off his whole staff at this point. Gary said that Michael is disgusting himself. He tried to go off on him but Michael was talking over him. He kept asking about why Bruce Springsteen isn't on the show. Howard said that he may not want to do the show. He said he's being serious there. Gary said he reached out to him yesterday and they're waiting to hear back.
Howard let Michael go and said he's a great actor. Howard said he saw that Coldplay was in New Jersey and they brought Bruce out to play. Gary said Bruce stopped by to play. Howard said he looks fantastic for how old he is. He said he's like 72 or something. He said he must be doing some work out. He said he tries to work out and he can't do it. He said he's so achy after. He said Bruce looks like he's lifting. Robin said he does yoga too. She said he's working out in all the ways he should.
Howard said he can't even lay flat on his back. He said it hurts his neck and all of that. He said he's a mess. Robin said he must be trying to do this alone. Howard said he had a woman come to help him do yoga before the pandemic. He said she left because he can't lay flat on his back.
Howard said Coldplay is on a tour and Bruce joined them and they did a couple of songs together. Howard said he has Dancing in the Dark stuck in his head now. He said it was good.
Howard explained how he jerks off and covers his camera on the phone. He said he can delete the history. He said after he clears the history he washes up.
Howard said he feels like he's pretty racially sensitive. He said he found he's jerking off only to white people fucking. Robin said that he did tell her that he liked to hear love stories and if it was a black couple he had no interest. Howard said he was at a point where he noticed he likes to see white people fucking or falling in love. He said he thought he might be racist. He said he never considered himself to be racist. He said most of the porn he watches is white people. He said he knows deep in his heart that he doesn't want to fuck a step mother. He said he doesn't want to share a spoon with his father. He said he wouldn't want to share a vagina. He said he watches this stuff and he's not sure why he likes it. He said it is appealing to him and he's not sure why. He said he's going to force himself to watch black people in porn. He said there was a woman he was in love with named Judy. He said she had this magnificent afro. He said she was tall too. He said he worked up the nerve to ask her out and she said she would never go out with him. He said she didn't want to take the shit from people in the community.
Howard said he thinks he's getting a cold. He said he hasn't been sleeping so he's breaking down. Robin said maybe he has COVID. Howard said he doesn't think so.
Howard said he doesn't really watch any porn other than with white people. He said he has been up since 5 in the morning and he didn't think about Asian people once. Mike said that he has masturbated to black women. He said in real life they might tell him to get the fuck out of here.
Mike asked if he feels Beth is a really nice person or is she really naive. Howard said he's not sure how lucky he is. He said that maybe she's fooling him. Mike said maybe he's' fooling her. Howard said he doesn't feel like he deserves her. He said they've been together for like 25 years now. Mike said she's hot and she's almost 50. Howard said they had a long talk yesterday and they talked about her turning 50 in July. He said that she'll be the oldest woman he's ever fucked. He said that fucking 50 year olds is great as long as it's with her. He said so what if he's fucking 50 year olds.
Robin asked about porn and if he's going to start watching mature porn. Howard said no way. He said he's not going to do that. He said there are so many categories out there. He said he sees 'mature' and he has no desire to watch that. He said he doesn't click on that. He said he has never gone there. Mike said he has. He said Beth would be in that category if she was doing porn. Howard said she's not doing that.
Howard said he would be very miserable if he wasn't with her. He said he is going to be banging a 50 year old. Mike said that he will be with a younger woman though. Howard said he feels like she's catching up to him.
Mike asked if he has spoken to Jimmy Kimmel about his show and if he's going to continue on. Howard said they do talk about that when they talk. He said they've talked about it many times. He said he won't discuss it here. He said he has discussed it with him though. He said Jimmy knows what he wants to do. He said he knows how he wants to handle his life. Robin said she read that he has summers off. Howard said he felt that was disgusting. Mike said Howard deserves to take summers off. He said fuck the fans who get upset about it. Howard said no one thinks of him. He said it's hard to be away from the audience. He said his connection to them is strong. He said it's hard to take summers off.
Howard said he's getting older and he's thinking about that. He said Ray Liotta just died at 67 so he's thinking about that. He said he has to tell you that he doesn't do as many shows as they used to. He said they're doing like 112 shows a year (97 last year). He said he's trying to spend more time with his kids and his family. He said that he does a lot of things and he's taking summers off so he can spend time with his wife. He said he's been doing this a long time.
Howard said they do a lot more shows than these podcasters. He said that they're trying to make people happy.
Mike asked if they were really farting in the studio when they had Dick Clark in there. Howard said of course they were. He said there's a law about that.
Howard let Mike go and said that he was talking with Mark Cronin over email and Mark was saying one of the reasons he was grateful to him is that he hired him to write comedy. He said he let him do the Tribute to Breasts. He said he did a fabulous job on that. He said Mark did a Tribute to Vagina too and he came through with that. He said that he cites that as one of the highlights of his life. He said that's what they're talking about.
Howard said Mark wrote to him and he usually deletes his stuff. He said Mark wrote in about delivering a speech somewhere. He said he's very successful in the reality TV world. He said he's got a show on now that's doing well. He said he has had a bunch of successful shows. Howard said Mark wrote to him about this speech he's giving and he old him he's the big influence in his life. He said that it was so flattering when he read it. He said he had to share it with his wife. He said he was thinking of calling Mark because he was so moved by it. He said he was going to call and leave him a voicemail and hoped he wouldn't have to talk to him. He said he was hoping that he'd get his voicemail. He said he picked up the phone can made the call. He left him a message and told him he was really moved by it. He said Mark got the voicemail and wrote him back. He said Mark knows how he works so he just wrote back. He said Mark is smart. He said he got a tear in his eye when he heard that voicemail.
Howard asked if anyone remembers the tribute to vagina thing. Jason said he does and he thinks it was a tour of Jessica Hahn's vagina.
The guys were talking about David Spade and how he screens his calls. Howard said he saw David with some woman who was really hot. They said it was Sarah Shahi. Gary said she's in a show where she has a lot of sex scenes. He said she's great in that part but when she's not doing that the show is awful. Howard said he will look that up on MrSkin.com. He said he'll just skip the bad show. JD looked it up on MrSkin and read some of what she has done when it comes to nude scenes. Gary talked about the email blasts they send out from Mr. Skin. He said they can come up with something for anyone.
JD told Howard Sarah was also in The L Word. He read about what they wrote about that and the description are pretty funny.
Howard said he has to go on Google to find out about this Sarah Shahi. He said he will just look it up himself. JD had sent him a link. Howard said he has his own Mr. Skin account to check.
Howard said Sarah Shahi was born Aahoo Jahansouzshahi. He read some details about her life.
Ralph called in and said you have to check out that show. He said that she's a dirty girl in it. He said she's naked all the time and it's great. He said she was also in The Sopranos and Tony banged her. Howard said she's not like the Khaleesi and refused to take her clothes off. Ralph said you'd probably have to pay her to keep her clothes on. JD said the shows is called Sex/Life on Netflix.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sarah is married to a guy named Steve Howey from Shameless. He said if she's banging him then she must be wild. Gary said that he might be confusing him with his character in the show.
Jon Hein said that Sarah and Steve Howey divorced in January of 2021. He said they are no longer together.
Howard said he was going to play Richard's latest phony phone call. He said he was going to give him some love.
Howard said this call is to a radio show where the host talks about how COVID is bullshit. Richard said this is on radio. He said it's not a podcast. He said he and Sal may be the only listeners. Howard said COVID is real. He said that he goes nuts when he hears people denying it. Howard said he used to like conservatives but this guy is off his rocker.
Howard said Sal called the show first and asked for advice on going to a family reunion without being vaccinated. Howard played the call and Sal asked the guy about that and the host said that COVID does not exist. He said it's all bogus and it's all about control. He said he has been to a lot of weddings and events and he has hugged and never got sick. Sal said he's going to go to this family reunion and the host said he may go with him. Howard said this guy is pretty confident. Robin said he went to a couple of weddings and he's fine. Howard said this is a Tradio host. The guy claimed he had gone to 100 weddings. Howard said no one has gone to that many.
Howard said Sal calls in again and coughs and sneezes all over his grandmother as he's talking to the guy. He's sick from going to the family reunion. The host told them to live it up. Richard played the grandmother. Sal was coughing and sneezing the whole time.
Howard said then things get even worse. He said Sal calls from the hospital where grandma's health is declining rapidly. Howard played that call and Sal is in a hospital with grandma telling the guy that they're in the hospital with COVID. The host said that does not exist. He said the CDC is a scam too. Grandma died and the hosts told them to call back.
Howard said why trust doctors when you can take advice from a guy who works for Tradio. Robin said he was also maligning the CDC. She asked how everyone is still listening to that.
Howard said they call back and say that Grandma has died. Howard played that clip and Sal calls in and tells them that Grandma died. They said they were sorry to hear that. Sal said they claimed it was Corona. The guys said that's insane. Sal said she could have died from food poisoning and that did her in. The host said he had 8 family members who they claimed died from COVID but it doesn't exist so that's not possible.
Howard said he's not sure why the FCC went after him but they don't go after these guys.
Howard said Sal and Richard did a great job with that. He said he loves his Grandma voice. He said he sounds nothing like a grandma. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and talked about what the song ''Torn'' was about. He said that it was written by Anne Preven who they had on the show. Howard gave some history on the song and what Anne said about writing it.
Howard said he has a weird announcement. He said that Sirius put together a channel called ''The Sleep Channel.'' He said it has ambient sleep sounds. He said it's only on the app. He played some of what they had on. He said Gary calls this The Work Channel because he likes to sleep at work.
Howard said he can't sleep to music. He said his wife can but he can't do it. He said any distraction will get him up.
Howard took a call from someone who was listening to the channel now. He was driving and crashed as he explained it to Howard. Howard said there you go.
Howard wondered if he had gotten into music and he went out and got a record deal and then they put out and album and stick it on The Sleep Channel. He wondered what you think about that when it happens. Robin said she's not sure what you can do with that. She wondered if you can go on tour. Howard said the audience is unconscious.
Howard played a clip of someone whispering and writing in a journal. Howard said he lasted about 10 seconds with that. He said he can't take it. He said he's not sure who is listening to that.
Howard said the guy who crashed his car while listening to the sleep channel is in an ambulance now. He took a call from the driver who fell asleep listening and crashed the ambulance.
Howard said Top Gun Maverick made $151 million over the Memorial Day weekend. He said the right wing republicans are saying this is a big win for them and woke America. He said they pulled some clips about that. Howard played some where these dopes were talking about how this is a big win for them and they need more of this kind of thing.
Howard said he's not sure what they're carrying on about. He said he's trying to understand it. He said he's not sure what their point is. Robin tried to explain it. Howard said there's some expression she used. He played it again to figure it out. She said something about empty virtue signals. Howard asked what the fuck she's talking about. He said it's just a movie. He said she's not in the military and it's just a fucking cool movie. He said there's a lot of dudes who were in Vietnam and were against the war. He said this ''woke'' thing is weird. He said if you believe in something then you're woke. He said he doesn't get it.
Howard played more clips of these right wing hosts celebrating the success of this movie. They said it's American pride and this will take back this country.
Howard said he thinks a lot of these dudes get hopped up thinking they're tough too. Robin said Tom Cruise isn't tough either. She said he's acting. Howard said the only tough guys are the real guys who served in the military. He said the rest of us are pussies. Howard said everyone is nuts.
Howard said all of these other countries around the world love our entertainment industry. He said our actors and writers and directors are great here. He said these assholes call them out of touch but they're bringing in a ton of money for this country. He said they have some great fucking people who he admires and who work hard. He said he's not down on Hollywood. He said there is some weird shit going on but weird shit goes on everywhere. Robin said there's weird shit going on at these people's houses. Howard said the people who hate the Hollywood elite are the Taliban. He said they hate anything fun or different. He said they hate anything that looks sexual or something human. He said don't listen to these assholes. He said Hollywood is the marvel of the world. He said FOX is making a ton of movies. He said they're part of Hollywood. He said this country spends more time watching media than anything. He said we love it and it keeps people happy. He said his mother isn't doing great but she loves watching Tattle Tales.
Howard said Hollywood is great. He said he was out there when he had to make his movie. He said there are so many great people out there. He said this is such a great country and we can make amazing movies here. He said it's so difficult to do. He said that's why he praised Ivan Reitman. He said he knew something about making movies.
Howard said he doesn't knock Hollywood. He said there are weird things going on like J-Lo crying over a metal popcorn award. He said that's weird. He said she was carrying on. He said he got a little embarrassed for her. He said that she was making a weird speech. He said she was saying that she loves the people who hated her because they made her stronger. Howard said that's a load of bullshit. He said he doesn't like Pig Virus because he made his life miserable.
Howard said he got the Blockbuster award and he displayed that thing. He said if he were J-Lo he'd be putting that on a shelf too. He said that he didn't cry over his award though. Howard said he should listen to that clip again. He said she was on fire. Howard played some of the speech but cut it off saying he heard it yesterday.
Howard said there's more they could talk about but Mr. Clock is telling him it's time to go. He read some quotes from J-Lo's speech and tried to figure out what she was talking about.
Robin said she's not sure what's going on in her life that they have someone playing her in a documentary.
Howard took a call from fake Jodi Foster who asked if she could play Robin. She had some of Robin's famous lines that she recited for them. Howard said that would be great. Howard asked her for more lines. Jodi ran down a few more of her famous drops.
Howard said he'll give her an audition. He said he'll be the shamen and they're in Peru. Howard played the role of the guy who gave Robin Ayahuasca. They went through the part with fake Jodi playing Robin. Howard bailed on that bit pretty quick.
Howard said tomorrow they'll be talking to Michael Che. He said he does the news on Saturday Night Live but he recently retired from that show. Robin said they had a lot of people leave this season. Gary said he doesn't think he's leaving yet. Howard said he announced it. He said he got a note from the guys saying he's not leaving. Howard said he'll have to ask him. Howard said he's been going around saying he's coming on because he's leaving Saturday Night Live.
Jon Hein got on and said that he did say he was leaving but then he said he thought about it and he's sticking around. He said Michael said that everyone wants to leave at the end of the season but then they think about it and change their minds. Robin asked if that will happen to Pete Davidson. Jon said he doesn't think so. Robin said she knew he was out of there as soon as he kissed Kim Kardashian. Howard said that guy is all over the place. He said he's dying his hair the same color as Kim's.
Howard said it's tricky being funny for a living. He said the only thing you have to draw from is people in your life. He said some people don't want to give you anything. He wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how funny Michael Che is. He said he was thinking about him last night. He said he should wait to talk about it. He said he has a TV show where he does stand up and they do sketches. He said it's called That Damn Michael Che. He said the shows he's watched have been very good. Robin said he seems to have a good group of people working with him on that show. Howard said Dave Attell is one. He said every comedian seems to give him a job. He said they all want to be friends with Dave.
Howard said Michael does a bit about a homeless guy having a big dick and you don't feel so sorry for him. He said he talks about women not measuring their genitals like men do. He said they'd have to measure it by pouring something in there. He said Michael had some material about January 6th that was funny too. He said he wrote a joke about white people getting Juneteenth off and how that's like celebrating the day you stopped beating your wife. He said that's some funny stuff.
Howard said Juneteenth is a SiriusXM holiday. He said he doesn't think he should get it off. Robin said they may have taken that off. Howard said maybe by accident they did. He said he may order all white employees to work that day.
Howard said Michael wrote a bit about half a Viagra and how you don't get a full hard on. He said it was a funny bit that may not have made it on TV. He said he loves that idea because his dick isn't that impressive. He said this half Viagra would have been funny. He said they'll talk to Michael later about all of that.
Howard said there was an announcement made about Michael retiring but he changed his mind about that. He said he wasn't crazy yesterday when he mentioned that.
Howard said Michael loves doing stand up but he's making a good payday over there at Saturday Night Live. He said he wants it now.
Howard said he was dating a girl and she turned out not to be a real girlfriend. He said he had an embarrassing love life until he got famous. He said that really improves your love life. He said this girl was all artsy and he was taken with that. He said he had dreams of being in show business and she was already in it. He said he wanted to get into the business. He said he ended up doing it and she didn't. He said that drives him to this day.
Howard said this girl tried turning him on to some new music. He said that really turns him on. He said it's an aphrodisiac to him. He said it blew his mind when this girl made him a mix tape. He said they'd be banging to that tape. He said imagine someone made him a tape. He said it was like the greatest gift ever. He said being 16 this girl played him this Seals and Crofts album. He said every song on the album was good. He said it was soft rock but it was good. He said he felt so cool knowing about this band. He said he didn't know anything. He said he was going around telling everyone to check it out. He said he was telling all of his friends about the band. He said he felt very special knowing about them.
Howard said after that first album he wasn't that into them but they went on to have some success. Howard said Jim Seals died at the age of 80. He said they never got into the rock and roll hall of fame. He said they did have some hits though. He said what did them in was getting into this Baha'i Faith thing. He said they were against any kind of abortion and this was in the 70s when people were on fire about it. He said if you were into women's choice you were against this. He said they came out with this album called ''Unborn Child'' and it was like ''fuck you Seals and Crofts.''
Howard said Michael Che wrote a bit on his TV show that's really funny. He said it's in the second season. He said abortion has been outlawed and you have to go to a karate teacher and he kicks you in the stomach to get rid of your baby. He said it's fucking funny.
Howard said Seals and Crofts came out with this Unborn Child album and all the hippies gave up on them. Howard said those are the people who were buying their music. He said it was over for them after that. He said they stuck to it and didn't back pedal. Robin said good for them. She said now we have slithering snakes. She said she like someone who sticks to their beliefs and goes down with the ship.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she worked with a sound crew in the 70s and they worked a concert of their's. She said that was in West Virginia. She said when they were all done they wanted to talk to them about their religion. Howard said when you're done with a concert you don't want to hear about that. He said they were so hell bent on that he feels like they did in their career. The caller said she thinks they were done already. She said she thought all of their music sounded the same to her. Robin said she felt the same way. She said it was like wallpaper. Howard said he disagrees. He said he would needle drop on an album and he liked it. He said they were talented guys.
Robin said it's all about this woman sleeping with him. Howard said they didn't actually do it. He said they did it for like a second and then they went home. He said no one slept with him. He said no one hung around long enough to sleep with him. He said back in those days you had to hope your parents didn't come home and catch you.
Robin said Howard has never played any of their music in the time she's known him. Howard said come on. He said it's outdated at this point.
Howard read more about Jim Seals dying at the age of 80. He said his cousin is Brady Sales who is Soupy's cousin. He read more about what the band did over the years.
Howard said it goes on and on. He said his wife is still around and she was married to him for 57 years.
Robin said she wasn't able to get away from that shit music when she was younger. She said it was all over the place. Howard said that first album was good. He said it was innovative. Robin said she doesn't agree. Howard said he loves Robin and all but you can't say you didn't love an album you've never heard. Robin said she can. Howard said you have to take his word for it. He said Summer Breeze was on that album. He said that was a good album. He asked why she's commenting on something she didn't hear. Howard said the Rolling Stones had some great songs that were never hits. Robin said she knows that. She said he couldn't have been swayed by this girl that much. Howard said he love the album either way. He said give the guy his due. Robin said she can't do that based on the songs he just played.
Howard said the album he's talking about was their fourth album. He said Robin is kind of shitting on this guy's obituary. Robin said it's the first time Howard ever brought them up. Howard said he didn't have much love for the guy when it came to abortion. He said the guy believed what he believed so he was a man of conviction.
Howard said he and Robin heard that and went nuts doing an impression of her and they took some of that and chopped it up and called a conservative radio show to talk about rape babies. Howard said he won them over. Howard played the call the guys made to this show where the conservative hosts took the call and the guys played the audio of Howard doing this impression of the rape baby woman. They had Howard saying all kinds of really crazy stuff and the hosts were agreeing with him on everything he said.
Howard said that call to him is so great. He said the bottom line is that those two dudes would get rid of a baby so fast if they could get pregnant. Robin said that she has a right to say what happens to her body. She said men have that right but women don't according to what that guy was saying. She said they have to do what they tell them to do. Howard said if the shoe was on the other foot they'd be getting abortions too.
Howard said he's cool with a woman doing whatever she needs to do with her body. Robin said if you're stuck in poverty and you don't want a child then you want to get that done too. Howard said he wanted to share that phone call with you so that's what he did. He said he just keeps yelling ''rape baby'' and they go along with it. He said he's sure they support higher taxes for schools and all of that too.
Howard said they were talking to Mike Trainor who works on the show. He said he mentioned he saw him play with the Meat Puppets back in 1994. He said that he forgot about it but fans did remember it. He read some feedback from some fans who saw him play that day.
Howard said they dug up a picture of him with the band. He said he looks like he belongs in the band more than they do. Howard read a few more comments about that night.
Howard said the staff went out and it turns out the Meat Puppets came on the show and he played with them in studio too. He said he played guitar on Lake of Fire in the studio. He said Robin must have busted his balls asking what he did with them. Howard said this is from 1994. He played a clip from that show where they played the song.
Howard said there it is. He said he listens to those old shows and gets crazy over the sound of the music performances. He said they have a wonderful team there now. He said the music sounds so good. He said they get so many letters from fans who like the sound. He said someone wrote in about Harry Styles and how it sounds better there than on an album. He said they have so many talented people working there. He said they have fixed things over the years. He said there are so many people that he could credit with that. He played some of Harry's ''Boyfriends'' performance. He said that's beautiful. Robin said she was in her car listening to something and this song came on and it sounded familiar to her. She said she realized it was the song he did in the studio. She said you couldn't hear the harmonies on the album like in the studio. She said it was amazing.
Howard said he will mention Chris Gibbons who has been a real asset to the show. He said he does a beautiful job there. Fred played the ''Thank you'' guy drop. Howard said Chris should take a bow for that. He asked if he's around. Howard said you can go on the app and watch those performances. He said they're worth watching.
Howard asked Robin what she would do to Harry. Robin said she doesn't think like that. She said she doesn't get into that. Howard asked if she thinks about him coming over. Robin said there is no story. She said she just has a feeling of surrender and she could just melt in him. Howard asked if she would rather have him or Timothee Chalamet. Robin said she thinks she's going with Harry. She said music wins. Howard said Robin likes a Twinky kind of guy. He said she doesn't like The Rock. He said she likes a skinny boy. Howard asked Robin about Brad Pitt or Harry. Robin said she's taking Harry. Howard said this kid is on fire. He said look at this. Robin said there's also something about him. She said he's spiritual and he has that attitude about supporting the right for people to be who they are and it just all works. She said the stuff he wears works for her. She said she actually zoomed in and looked at him.
Howard said knowing Robin she liked Sean Connery in his day. He asked if she would rather have him in his prime or Harry. Robin said Harry again. Howard asked about Bradley Cooper or Harry. Robin said Harry again. Howard asked about George Clooney or Harry. Robin said you can't put George on any list because she's never thought of him in that way. She said he loves George but she doesn't get it.
Howard said he has Sean Connery on the phony to yell at Robin. Howard took the call from fake Sean who said he's going to come over there and give her a slap. He said she sounds like she needs one. Robin said that's one thing that turns her off about him. Sean said women like that.
Howard said he has one more. He said he has Jake Gyllenhaal and Harry Styles. Robin said she knew he was going to do that to her. Howard said he knew it. He said he thinks it's Jake. Robin said she is going with Jake. Howard said wow. Fred kept playing drops of Robin saying stuff about dicks and ass. Robin said she was just thinking about Jake too. Howard said he bets she is.
Howard had fake Arnold come in after a door knock. He said Robin has to go with a guy who has some body mass. He said that these guys don't have any. He said he can make his pecs bounce up and down. Robin said she says she's not into men like him but she did swoon a little bit when they first met. Arnold said he knew it. He said his cock has muscles. He said he'd fuck her like a jackhammer and the bed frame would go through the wall. He said he'd use her head like a punching bag with his cock. He said he'd bend her like a pretzel.
Howard said Gary Audiobook is turned on by Harry Styles too. He took a call from the guys who were playing edited clips of Gary talking about that. They had Gary saying he wanted to hook up with Harry while Jon Hein is watching.
Howard said he doesn't remember that book being that good. Robin said she has to go back and listen to that chapter again.
Howard said they have had some great bands on the show over the years. He said he wishes they had their audio team at the time. He said everything evolves though.
Howard said Michael Rapaport called in about Gary going all over the place and getting COVID. He said he said that he should come into the office if he's busy running around. Howard said Gary's job for them is to go into the office when they have a guest. He said Michael Che is coming in today and Gary is supposed to be there. He said on vacation he caught COVID so he can't even go into work. He said they have someone else dealing with Michael over there. He said they have to wait at least 10 days before coming back into the office.
Howard said Gary was out going to concerts and got sick. He said he was in L.A. and going out all over the place. He said now he has COVID and he can't go into work. Fred did his impression of Gary with the Gary Puppet. Howard said Gary needs entertainment more than anyone he knows. Robin said everyone is hungry for experiences now that they think the Pandemic is over. Howard said he's doing fine staying home. He said you don't have to worry about him needing contact with people. He said Gary is a guy who wants experiences and he has to do stuff. He said he was flying all over the place during vacation. He said they had 100,000 people at Bottle Rock. He said that Gary experienced everything but the office.
Howard and Fred goofed on Gary about all of that doing their Gary impressions. Howard said Gary presented something at Bottle Rock. He said he appeared with a chef or something. Robin said that Gary probably gave everyone COVID. Howard said it's such bullshit what Gary says about not wanting to get COVID. He said he's out going to all of these things. Robin said Gary goes out and he's maskless at all of the events.
Howard said he loves Def Leppard but he's not going to risk getting COVID going to their concert.
Howard read some comments about Gary running around without a mask at these games and concerts. He said that people agreed with Rapaport on what he was saying about Gary. Howard said someone said Gary can play but he can't work. He said he thought Gary loved his office. He said in ''They Call Me Baba Booey'' he talks about his office set up over 4 pages. He said this is Gary talking about that in his audio book. He played a clip and said it's mind numbing. He and Fred did more of their impressions of Gary talking about his office.
Howard said all weekend long they'll be playing the Gary audio book on the Sleep Channel so you'll be guaranteed to get some sleep. Howard played more of Gary talking about what's in his office.
Howard said Gary isn't here because he's out buying tickets to Coachella . He said this goes on and on with him describing his office. He played more of that clip.
Howard said it keeps going. Robin wanted to hear more. Howard played some for her but cut it off saying he can't take it. He said it drives him crazy whenever he listens to that book.
Howard said the fans have mixed feelings about Michael Rapaport. He read some positive comments about him and then some negative stuff. Someone said they'd rather hear Jeff the Drunk read the phone book than listen to Michael.
Howard took a call from a tree who died to make Gary's book. The dead tree said that his whole family was lost to make that book. He said he hears it all now and it just wasn't worth it. Howard said he's sorry he was made into a book. He said he's sorry for his loss.
Howard took a call from Michael Rapaport and said not everyone is going to go along with him. Michael said that's okay. He said he knows what he's expressing is real. He said if he needs him to come into the office he's available. Howard said they have someone else to do Gary's job today. He said they have a young up and comer who can do it. Michael asked where Gary is today. Howard said he doesn't know. He said they're talking about him but he's not coming on. Gary said he's there. He said he's sill working but not that aspect of the job. Howard said he did have concerts to go to and he enjoyed his vacation. He said now he's sick while work is happening. Michael said this guy hasn't been working for years. He said who knows what could go wrong with this interview today. Howard said he does worry about it.
Michael asked if Howard saw the video of that gorilla in the cage that attacked a person at a zoo. He said he should see it. He said it could be Howard at any moment. He said he could get grabbed at any moment. Gary asked if Michael missed a week of shows for Wendy Williams when he got COVID. Michael said it wasn't a week. He said he did get it though. He said he didn't trave across the country to concerts like Gary did. Gary asked if he has done a stand up gig in the last 6 months. Michael said yes. Robin said he was working. Michael said he was working. Gary said he fucked up his Wendy Williams show job by going out and doing that.
Gary asked if Michael has attended any comedy shows or concerts in the last 6 months. Michael said no. He said he doesn't do that stuff. Gary said he thinks he has been out to friend's homes. Howard said he would be proud of Gary if he got sick going into work.
Howard took a call from Mike from Maine who said Gary has to be safe. He asked if anyone has seen Michael hosting the Wendy Williams show. He said he loves the guy. Michael said that they keep having him back because people love him. Mike said he thinks that show sucks but Michael should be doing his own thing. He said that they do something where he comes out and puts both hands and does a half wave and asks how you're doing. Michael said he's doing her show. Howard cut them off. Howard said he's not sure how long they can call it the Wendy Williams show. Michael said it's coming to an end but it's been fun. He said they threw him out on live TV and it's been awesome.
Howard said he has to wrap this up. He let the guys go and said enough with Gary and his job. He said Gary can't work today because he's sick.
Howard said the other person who watches the Wendy Williams show is JD. He asked if he's a fan of Michael's. JD said he can handle him. He said the show is okay. He said he just interviews Real Housewives. He said he's not into it that much. Howard said if he had to do that he would quit show business. Robin said you have to act like you're into it. Howard said he watches that show but he doesn't want to be in the room talking to them.
Howard asked if JD thinks he's good enough to have his own show. JD said he would. He said he knows how to entertain. He said he gives his opinion on things. Howard said JD should go on that show. JD said that's alright. Howard said he learned that JD would drop pencils on the floor to look up girl's dresses. Robin said she doesn't want to hear stuff like that. Howard asked when JD last did that. JD said he's not sure. Robin said it was probably in college.
Howard read more fan feedback about the Sal and Richard prank call they played. They had a few comments about that call. Howard played a clip when Sal and Richard first found out the host of this Swap Shop show was anti-vax. The guy said he has no intention of getting one of those shots. He wished a caller luck when he told him he had gotten his. Howard said he's not sure what's going on there. He said this guy is giving out all kinds of shitty advice.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if things are good. Howard said sure. King said if you're a multi-millionaire of course they're good. King said that he has been watching Wendy Williams and Michael Rapaport is the worst guest host to sit on that stage. He said he doesn't thinks he should get that show. He said when he comes on he has no idea what he's talking about and he has to get it all out quick and he's the worst. Howard said he hasn't seen it so he doesn't know. He said he must be good at it if he's being asked to come back. He said someone must like him there. He said they wouldn't have him back if he wasn't any good. King said he acts nervous and he's not good as a host. He said he has no stage presence.
Howard had Michael back on the phone to defend himself. He went off on King and told him not to call him anymore. He said he's an embarrassment. He asked why he watches him every day. He said he watches it. He told him to go sniff some panties. Michael was talking over King and King wasn't able to say anything. Howard cut Michael off and let King say a few things to him. Rapaport was talking over him again though. King eventually said that Michael will never get that show because he's so ugly.
The two of them were talking over each other so Howard cut them both off and let them go. Howard said this is outrageous. Robin said King told him to stop with the racial stuff but he's a guy who calls in as King of All Blacks. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and talked about the Marvin Gaye song and gave some history on that and about Marvin.
Howard said this is one of Beetlejuice's favorite artists. He said he told him that when he asked. Robin said it's no Seals and Crofts. Fred played some Beetlejuice singing along to the song.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake William Shatner who wanted to sing some Seals and Crofts songs. Howard had fake Bill do his thing with the song ''Summer Breeze.'' He said he wanted to convince Robin that these songs are amazing. Bill did his talking thing with the song. Howard asked if he considers this singing or rapping. Bill kept going with the song. He said he had to get that out there. He said he considers it singing of course.
Howard said people loved his empathy with Robin not having hair even though he has hair. Bill said he should have hair awards. He said not Howard but he should. He said he's 91 and he has a full head of hair. Howard thanked him for the song and let him go. Bill sang some more before Howard let him go.
Howard asked what song he's even doing. Bill said it's another one of their hits. He said Robin should pay attention to their albums. Howard closed the door on him.
Howard said Broadway is preparing a musical about Johnny and Amber. He said he's dead serious about that. Howard had a song from the musical. He played the parody that the Depp impersonator sang. It was about the grumpy being dropped on his bed.
Howard said while they're talking about that they played a clip of a woman who was willing to do anything for Johnny. He said the guys went out and interviewed women about who they'd rather have, Johnny or him, and this is how it went. Howard played a clip of Jon Blitt interviewing women about who they'd take and they all picked Johnny Depp. Even after Blitt read some things that Depp said about Amber they still picked him over Howard. Howard said that's the story of his life.
Howard said when you have the looks this is what the ladies want. He said he doesn't have the looks. He said women seem to be willing to date anyone but him. He played a clip from a few years ago where Richard and Sal asked women if they'd take Howard over spiders, pythons, rats and other things. The women were all picking the other things over Howard.
Howard played another clip where the guys were asking women about taking Howard over dolphins, long term COVID and other things. The women were all picking everyone and everything but Howard.
Howard said there was one woman who picked him over all of that. He played the clip and the woman was talking about how she loves his nose and how that would work for her in bed. Howard said she must think he's an ant eater or something. He asked the guys if they can go out and ask women if they'd rather be with him or be beheaded. Robin said she knows they're lying. Howard said he's sure if he got them in a room they'd change their minds.
Howard said the guys are asking the wrong question. He said ask about Howard Stern or napalm. He said that hurts.
Howard said the fans liked the Howard Stern A to Z special they ran over vacation. He read some feedback about that. Howard said people liked the A which was for Ayahuasca and V for Gary's vinyl. He said that it still drives him crazy that people collect viny. He said that he used to buy pieces of vinyl. He said he has hobbies now but he doesn't need viny. He said it sounds just as good digitally. He said that Neil Young may be able to tell the difference but you can't. He said that he hears people like Gary talking about it and he can't hear that well. He said he can't tell the difference.
Howard said Gary even has a spindle necklace. He said he was into chess and that's a real hobby. He said he's into painting. He said that's a skill and something you can use. He said it's learning another language. Robin said Gary can put a record on a turntable. Howard said the guy can't even play an instrument. He said he has to hear a song on a record. Robin said it's different. Howard said he's into journaling. He said he writes for the radio show. He said there's a mean to the ends or an end to the means. He said forget about vinyl.
Howard said he's imagining this woman who goes into her office and has an hour to kill before her first client so she checks to make sure her credit card reader is working so there's no snafu. He said that she'd have to make them wait. He said he has a TV show here. He said don't steal this idea.
Howard said he was watching Michael Che's show and maybe he'll pitch this to him. He said he has to get to him next. He said he has some great sketches on his show. He said they'll talk to him about that in a minute. Howard and Robin shared some of their favorite sketches from the show.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that there is no denying certain things that mediums can tell you that only you and one other person knew about. Howard said it's all a scam. He said his mother started in with something like this. He said he was a young man and his mom thought it was real. He said that he asked her to record a session with this psychic. He said she reveals too much to this person. Howard said that his mother recorded it and brings home the tape. Howard said she didn't shut up during the whole session. He said she never went again after he exposed the whole situation. He told the caller what his mother told this psychic about her family. He said that she fed the woman everything she needed to know. He said his mother walked out happy as a clam.
Robin said you should see that Bradley Cooper movie she was talking about. She said that they go into all of that and how they get all of that information. Howard said Houdini exposed all of these people by giving his wife a secret word and not one person was able to give her that word.
The caller asked about using only part of our brain and how maybe some people can tap into something else. Howard said that's all you get. He said we use 10 percent and that's it. Howard said some people have a higher IQ but that's it. He said the whole rap about being able to tap into that could make us do other things doesn't exist. The caller said she's always wanting it to happen. Robin said they do know of people who have traumatic brain injuries and they are able to speak other languages. Howard said he wants to bonk Joanna over the head. He asked what she gets charged for this stuff. Joanna said it's $150 but she only goes once a year. She said they can give you direction. She said she would love to call Howard once a week to get a reading. Howard let her go and went to break.
Howard came back and said he can't believe he hasn't gone deaf yet with his headphone volume being so loud. He said he goes to the bathroom and comes back and he blows his ears out when he puts them back on. Robin said he should look at his dad and take care of his hearing.
Howard said Michael Che has a bunch of things going on. He said he's one of the most prolific comedy writers out there. Michael thanked him for having him on. Robin said he looks so calm when he's doing his thing. Michael said he has a psychic he sees to help with that.
Howard said he wants to know how he comes up with so much and how he does it with so many different jobs. Michael said that it's a lot of time where you're completely tapped out. Howard said he loves reading about stuff he couldn't get on Saturday Night Live. He said one of the best bits was the half a Viagra. He said he loves this idea for this bit. He explained what it was from what he read. Michael said you just can't get some of that stuff on. He said it's just too much. Howard asked if he gets frustrated by that. Michael said it's like having two girlfriends. He said one is a prude and one is a porn star. He said some things you try at home and some you take to the club.
Howard said he just started the second season of his new show. He said it's called ''That Damn Michael Che'' and it's funny. He said he liked the karate instructor abortion doctor. Michael said they took that sketch on the road first. He said he thinks that everything is silly for him. He said that he would do the bit at clubs and people would fall down laughing. Howard asked who the Karate guy is. Michael said he's just some regular guy and not even a sketch guy. He said he was great in the sketch.
Howard said comedians aren't as good in sketch comedy as actors are. He said that guy was just fucking funny. Michael said it's the Leslie Nielsen thing where playing it straight is even better.
Howard said Chris Rock was being funny one night when he was out with him and other comedians had to try to be funnier. He said Chris he leaned in and whispered to him that they just couldn't let him have it.
Michael said he did a movie with Chris and he was doing a scene with Rosario Dawson and he wasn't sure if they had ever met before. He said Chris heard that and he's like ''You don't know if you've ever met Rosario Dawson?'' and said it really loud.
Howard said Chris Rock is so funny. He said he was out with him and said he was going to ask Paul McCartney for an autograph. He said he was going to do that and Chris laughed at him when Paul refused it. He said it was the funniest thing ever. Michael said some people are just really good at that kind of thing.
Howard said Michael writes a lot of sketches but he's not even in them. He asked if that bothers him. Michael said not at all. He said he doesn't even like being on camera. He said he only does his show because he found out how much more he gets paid if he's on camera. He said he loves the part of the solving the puzzle part of writing.
Howard said he likes the sketch where the two guys are auditioning to be in the Prince movie and it's Rami Malek and Keenan. He said that was great. Michael said he half got that idea from Chris Rock. He said it was earlier in the week and he got a call from Chris and he told him that someone does a great Prince so make him Prince. He said he got half of that sketch from him.
Howard said in the new show the first episode is so strong. He said they do the scared straight sketch and the prisoners are yelling at the kids and the kids say that they murdered someone. He said it's just so funny. He said the guy who plays the convict is great. Michael said that's Greer Barnes. He said he's one of the funniest guy's he knows.
Howard said Dave Attell is in the show too. He said comedians love putting him in their projects. He said he feels like every comedian loves and respects him but he never really broke through to the bigger audience. Michael said he doesn't know about that. He said he remembers the stuff he used to do and he thought he was 'the guy' and he wanted to go see him do stand up. He said he was always one of the guys for him. He said when he understood the business he got that a little bit better. He said he was huge to him.
Howard said Michael must write all the time. He asked what his schedule is like. Michael said he usually does a lot of texting. He said that he'll have interactions with friends and he comes up with bits from that. He said he'll use that on stage and have one sentence to say and he has to figure out how to turn it into a bit or a sketch. He said then he has to figure out what show to put it on. He said it mostly comes from interacting.
Howard said he doesn't get how it works coming up with material like that. Michael said on Weekend Update it's tough because they have to do it quick. He said he saw Trevor recently and they talked about how they won't touch certain subjects. He said that they do a lot of material on one subject and they spend 15 seconds on it on Saturday Night Live. He said they like to come up with hard jokes that go quick. Howard said he likes that kind of stuff better but he respects what Trevor and John Oliver are doing too. He said it's hard either way. Michael said they're just trying to get the laugh.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel got him a book about how artists spend their time. He said he's imagining that Michael is a routine kind of guy. He said he must have a set routine. Michael said he doesn't eat. He said he forges to eat all the time. He said the day escapes him. He said he has a lot more habits than he thinks he does but to him it's free. He said he does a lot of floating. He said he has the same grooves in his floor. Howard said he isn't comforting then. He said he must get the hunger pangs. He said he wakes up starving. Michael said he wakes up late. He said he's a drinker. He said he will stay out late. Howard said it must be hard not to do that when you're in a club. Michael said there's a lot of waiting around in a club. He said there's a lot of talking shit and then drinking and going out to another club and doing the same thing. He said it's that over and over.
Howard asked if the waiting makes him more uptight. He said he can imagine being at a table with Attell or someone and they're waiting to go on it must give him anxiety. Michael said no. He said to him it's like being a cop. He said you know what it's going to be like. He said none if it is interesting anymore. He said you're not nervous until about 5 seconds before you're about to go on. He said you're watching to see what the reaction is going to be and how you're going to do your first thing. Howard asked what a great opening line is for an audience. He said if he has the nerves it shows you still care. Michael said it makes him feel like he can't wait to go on. He said it's like a kid wanting to show you their new toy. He said that's how he feels.
Howard asked if he has an opening line that works for him a lot. Michael said he likes to say temper expectations. He said he knows it's hacky but it always works. He said that you can start to play after that.
Howard asked Michael if his fantasy is to spend all of his time on just stand up. Michael said kind of. He said that he doesn't do it every week. He said that he wants to chill sometimes and then he gets on stage and it takes time to get back into shape. He said he has to go back to doing his other jobs from time to time and it's hard to get back into it. He said he'll see someone out there doing their thing and they're spending all their time doing it. He said they're on fire. He said Big Jay Oakerson is so good at what he does and he's on fire. He said they can get in and out of bits.
Howard said he started painting 7 years ago and he doesn't have time to perfect it. He said he has this gig. He said he sees people who started when he did and they're passing him by. He said it must be the same feeling. He said maybe that's why Chappelle left his show. He said maybe he loved stand up so much he had to get away from the show. Michael said he was still doing so much stand up after that show. He said people thought he disappeared but he went out and did his thing. He said he got so good at stand up that he's the best now.
Howard said he read that Michael was leaving Saturday Night Live and he kind of understood it and then he came back and said he was staying. He said he really wanted to leave. Michael said he was leaving. He said he was 100 percent leaving. He said he was done and he really had to get out. He said he told everyone so long ago that he was thinking it was his last season. He said he was still leaving when he walked it back. He said he didn't want it to distract from the season. He said he didn't want it to be about his B.S. Michael said he didn't want his fellow cast members to have to deal with it. He said he was going to save it until he was actually leaving. He said the reason he wanted to leave was to do other things. He said he talked to Lorne about it and he will have more time so it's worth staying. He said there are times when you think you don't have anything to offer anymore and you want to do other things.
Howard asked Michael about what he thought about Jerrod Carmichael coming out and doing this stand up special. He said he came out of the closet in it. Michael said it's beautiful right. He said he actually didn't see it. He said they worked together before it. He said that they're friends and they had talked about it. He said he did Saturday Night Live and he was gearing up for the release of it. Howard asked if he talked to him about coming out. Michael said no. He said Jerrod is interesting because he's so elusive. He said that you never know how much he wants to give you. He said he knew he was a lot more open to that part of his life. He said he wasn't coming out on stage, he was just speaking about things from the perspective of a gay man. He said he didn't know he was going to come out.
Michael said it's hard for him to watch a stand up special. He said he's editing it in his head and it's like being back at work. He said he can't do it. He said it's hard to enjoy. Howard asked if he can't even watch a Chappelle special. Michael said he didn't see the latest one. He said he saw the screening for Sticks and Stones. He said you see them and you know they're doing polished stuff but it's hard to enjoy. He said once he's seen something like that it's hard to enjoy it again. He once it's recorded like that then it's over.
Michael said people think he's laughing at his own jokes a lot but he's laughing at the audience's reaction to it. He said that's the fun of the whole thing. He said it's contagious. He said it's even funny to see someone go up and die on stage when they bomb.
Howard said there are some comedians who have a great attitude and that's what makes them great. He said that takes a long time to perfect. Michael said he must know that from doing radio. He said there are people who can't function until they hear you. He said that you have to work on your material and try things. He said people just want to see a professional.
Howard said it took him like 10 years to get comfortable on air. He said once he was then he found his voice. Michael said that's what it was like for him on Weekend Update. He said once he was relaxed then it unlocked the segment a little bit.
Howard said he stills talks about Jerrod Carmichael. He said he was so good on Saturday Night Live. He said he thought he could come out and do a monologue every week on Saturday Night Live. Michael said that he's very relaxed and cool. He said you get the feeling that he doesn't need you to like the joke and that makes you like it even more. He said Attell is like that too. He said he has known Jerrod for 10-15 years and he's always been the same.
Howard said it's amazing to see someone's growth. He said you see someone 2 years later and you wonder what happened. Michael said it's all about the stage time. He said after a while then you can only go up. He said you're wiling to take risks.
Howard asked if Michael takes a pen and paper and writes jokes during the day. He asked if he does it at a certain time. Michael said he talks to himself a lot when he's doing that kind of writing. He said he'll start with a premise and he'll talk to himself and argue himself out of that thought and comes up with stuff to combat any argument about why this makes sense. He said then he'll write stuff in his phone and take notes. He said he won't write it down until he's worked it out on stage. He said he wants to argue the point on stage. He said he has to work it out up there. Howard said that's scary to him. Michael said it's exciting. Howard said that's something to do that on stage. He said that's a crazy job. Michael said Howard has no idea what's killing. He said he can see if he's lost his audience but Howard can't. He said he can say the same thing 10 minutes later and say it better and better. He said Howard has to do it without knowing.
Howard said he feels at times that someone is laughing in their car. He said he's killing in his head. He said that there are times he goes on too long and there isn't someone laughing in their car. He said then the fans will write in about it and say it's funny. He said there's no way to test it. Michael said now he wants to perform at 10 in the morning. He said he's never done that before.
Howard said Michael started in stand up at 26. He said he was doing art before that. He said he was hired by Tommy Hilfiger. He asked if he still paints. Michael said not at all. He said it's hard for him to even try it. He said he'll doodle at times but he can't paint. He said at some point he should. He said he will do that when he retires.
Howard asked what he does. Michael said he used to do portraits and still live. He said he likes abstract stuff too. He said it's hard to say what he'd be doing. He said it's a weird thing even to think about. He said it's like talking about what you loved about your ex after being married again for 10-15 years.
Howard said he loved the joke he had about Juneteenth and how white people should not have it off. He said it was in his Netflix special. Michael said he didn't even remember that day until people got Google to find out about it. Robin said she doesn't either.
Howard said he likes bringing up these bits because you have to go through their greatest hits. He said that he has a bit about a homeless guy who has a big dick and how you don't feel bad for them after you know that.
Howard said the other thing was the observation he made about the January 6th insurrection. He said he talks about how white people are trying to steal the Constitution and going for the big stuff instead of looting. He said he's fascinated about how he comes up with material like that. He said Jerry Seinfeld comes up with stuff and then writes it down. Michael said he gets that. He said he charges a lot more than he does. He said his whole audience is in tuxedos so he should have a polished act by then.
Howard said he heard that he wrote a sketch called Wet Coma for Saturday Night Live. Howard asked why that didn't get on. Michael said he thinks the audience has an idea. He said Owen Wilson was the guy who was moaning while he was in a coma. He said he was having a wet dream in his coma. Howard said you can't do stuff like that on Saturday Night Live. Michael said that killed in the reading but the audience didn't get it.
Michael said that they had Larry David on the show and they had him as the guy who invented the California Raisins. He said that the aduidnce saw this bit and they were like ''Absolutely not.''
Howard said he liked the bit they did with the M&M's store guy. Michael said that was the first sketch he got on the show. Howard said he liked Black Jeopardy too. He said that's hard for white people to write. Michael said they needed directions for them to go in. He said they did one with Louis C.K. once and he didn't want to do it. He said that was kind of a hard sell. He said it worked well though. He said then they tried to figure out other directions to go with it.
Howard said Michael was the only black writer when he got there at Saturday Night Live. He asked if he brought up racial stuff and they didn't want to do it. Michael said they almost never say no there. He said they may nudge you in a different direction. He said it's a very writer friendly place to work. He said they just suggest stuff. He said they don't fire you. He said you may get less trust or something.
Howard asked Michael about working with Leslie Jones and sharing and office with her. Michael talked about the stuff that they did together and how she had this bag she would bring to work and she had all kinds of weird stuff in it that she thought people might need at work.
Howard asked Michael about the Chris Rock and Will Smith thing. Michael said that Chris still had to give out the award. He said one thing that annoyed him was that he was selling tickets after that. He said that he had a polished act and now he has to talk about this dumb shit and that's going to go on for a long time. He said he had an act and now he has his show hijacked. He said it annoyed the hell out of him. Howard asked if he has spoken to him about that. Michael said not about that so much. He said he asks about comedy stuff and nerdy stuff like that.
Howard said that Chris is at the top of his game so he must like to talk to him about stuff. Michael said he can get advice from him. Howard said his father would tell him he can't be on the radio. He said the weird thing is that when he got into radio he was never able to ask his family about it. He said he didn't make friends in radio and he can't go to anyone for advice. He said having comedy friends is a great thing to have for Michael. Michael said it is great to be back stage with the other comedians and that's why you don't get nervous. He said you can talk about a lot of stuff. He said it's like their golf course. He said they give and take advice and things like that.
Howard asked if there are people who won't give advice. He said he feels like he had a chip on his shoulder and didn't want to give that advice to radio guys. Michael said for him starting out it was harder to get advice and encouragement from the bigger black comedians than it was for the white comedians. He said maybe they didn't think of him as a threat. He said the older black comedians there was only one big comedian at the time. He said it was almost adorable for the white comedians that he was asking advice. He said Dave Attell and Patrice were very generous. He said he wondered if people hated him because it felt like they didn't trust him or something. Howard said maybe they thought he was going to steal his spot. Howard said that's why he was afraid of radio guys.
Howard asked if Bernie Mac was one of those guys who didn't give him advice. Michael said that he didn't but he heard the opposite for other comedians. Howard said Bernie was a great guest. He said he has the feeling that he would have given him advice. Michael said he has a feeling it was more about a ''who is this guy'' kind of thing.
Howard asked Michael about Lorne Michaels and if he helped a lot. Michael said he opened his mind to what this business can be. He said if it was up to him he'd just be doing stand up. He said he did Saturday Night Live to get better stand up gigs. Howard asked if Attell can make a great living. Michael said hell yeah. Howard asked what he can make doing that in a year. Michael said he doesn't know what he makes but he thinks he can make as much as he wants depending on how much he goes on the road. He said he has a feeling he he's fine. He said he's not sure how much he has but he must be doing well. Michael said he has no idea what anyone makes. He said other than Netflix announcing what they're paying someone he has no idea. He said that you know Sebastian Maniscalco is doing well when he sells out arenas.
Howard said he thinks that they should talk about it. He said the Eagles set the standard by talking about what they were making. He said he thinks that if comics see what Dave Chappelle is getting paid they may want that. Michael said it's only because they've heard it. Michael said Bring the Pain was the biggest influence on him. He said it changed everything for him. He said he's not sure what Chris made on that. He said you don't know until they announce numbers. He said he thinks that puts comedians in different categories. He said it's like knowing what your priest makes. He said you don't want to take their advice if you know what kind of money they're making.
Howard said it's like art and how you judge the artist on what kind of money they made for a paining. Michael said you have to keep a modest profile. Michael mentioned ''Fluffy'' or Carrot Top during that discussion because he has a car collection that he saw on Jay Leno's Garage. He said that you don't know he's doing that well until you see something like that. Howard said he thinks the guy is funny by the way.
Howard said Michael used to open for Gilbert Gottfried. He said that was a bit of shock when he died. Michael said that does suck. He said this is when people start to revisit their legends. He said he was around this whole time and he was extremely funny. He said he was the sweetest guy. He said same about Bob Saget and Norm Macdonald. He said Bob asked him to come by one night and he went and he's glad he did. He said it's been a rough year.
Howard said he can't watch the Norm Macdonald special that came out. Michael said he can't watch it because what he said earlier. He said it's putting a period on a friend or on a legend. He said that it feels like you're watching a eulogy. He said to know that he knew it's rough. He said he's sure it's hilarious but he can't watch it.
Howard said he can't watch the Norm special because he knew this isn't how Norm wanted us to see him. Michael said this may be the only way he knew that we would see it. He said it's the fucking curse. He said that's what comedians deal with. He said he'd give up everything else just to do stand up. He said he has to get the jokes out. He said that's the curse. Howard said Michael loves stand up so much that he's going to do it until the end.
Howard said one other thing they should mention is that Michael is quite the matchmaker. He said he wrote the sketch that Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian kissed on. Michael said that was him and Jost. He said that anything with an erection has to do with Jost. Howard said look at all the trouble he started. He said now Pete is in this Kardashian lifestyle. He asked if Pete ever thanked him. Michael said absolutely not. He said he hasn't mentioned it. He said this is the firs he's hearing about them dating.
Howard asked if Pete came to him about leaving the show. He said other people are leaving too. Howard asked if anyone comes to him about that. Michael said no one has ever come to him. He said that everyone wants to leave but they can't. Howard asked if he wishes he was able to leave. Michael said part of him is jealous. He said that you will miss it. He said it raises you like a stand up club does. He said it's hard to walk away. He said when they go back to work he's going to feel like he should have left too. He said everyone leaving must have had their fill.
Howard said Michael's show ''That Damn Michael Che'' is on HBO and it's very funny. He said the show is very good. He said that he has mentioned a bunch of sketches.
Robin said one of the sketches she liked was the one about the guy having sex and then wanting to finish the movie after he's done. Michael said he had a joke about how he wanted to see the lady eat the free pizza in porn movies like that.
Howard gave Michael some plugs for he show and more. Michael said he's hosting Family Feud next. He was joking about that. Howard said he's not sure he has time for a relationship. Michael said that he's glad he said that. He said he can use that when he's arguing.
Howard said he knows how tough it is to do so much and not have time. He asked how he handles that. Michael said it's all hard but you can make time for what you enjoy and you can find a way to make that time for a relationship. Howard asked if he'd ever date a famous person like Colin and Scarlet. Michael said he's jealous about their happiness but he's not into celebrities. He said that they found someone who made sense for them. Howard asked if he feels like Colin's material is suffering from being with a celebrity. Michael said he was suffering long before that.
Howard asked Michael if he thinks he can't commit that way to someone because of his work. Michael said he does think that he puts it that way and he's not looking to hurt anyone. He said that is sort of a crutch or an excuse he uses. He said he may have ruined a lot of good relations like that. Howard asked if he has ever been in love. Michael said sure. He said that love to him is more than just a feeling. He said that he has to commit to someone and do things with them to be in love. He said he may be afraid of falling in love because it may take away from what he's doing now. He said that if he was making 50 grand at a desk job he may not have ever tried stand up. He said that he wants to protect the thing that's stable.
Howard said there are guys who were able to have great love affairs and still have a career. Michael said it's scary to him. Howard asked if he has ever had a woman in love with him and asked him to work it out and he broke it off. Michael said variations of that sure. Howard asked if he ever regrets that. Michael said he has. He said that he has also laid in bed thinking about the best times with friends and you think about how maybe it's not something you want to do anymore.
Michael said he used to love every part of the road but now he just wants to get to the gig and do it. He said everything is different now. Howard said the big comics get everything and they jet home every night. He said only the biggest names can do that. Michael said he's one that a couple of times. He said he's very financially responsible. Howard asked if he'll second more on the jet than he makes that night. Michael said he won't do that.
Howard asked if Michael has ever wanted to date someone who was on the show as a guest. Michael said not at all. He said he thinks fame and celebrity is what you put up with if you like doing what he does. He said a woman in show business can't do anything without being trashed for no reason. He said it's brutal. He said you end up inheriting all of that. He said those relationships are tough and you really have to like a motherfucker to invest in that. Howard said they won't see him on Raya then. Michael said you will not. He said he made that mistake already. He said he had met this woman and he wasn't that interested in her and he had to tell her that this is very strange and they should end this now. He said she went on a podcast and said that he was an asshole to her. He said he got a message from a Page Six reporter about him ghosting this lady and he had no idea what had happened. He said he sent them every text message they had and they ran with that. He said it kind of backfired but that's what happened. Howard said it sucks that you have to deal with that kind of thing.
Howard gave Michael some more plugs for his HBO show and said it's very funny. Michael thanked him for that. Howard said one of the best bits is this ancestry bit. He said it's really funny.
Robin asked if Michael thinks that he could be doing movies. Michael said he is going to be focusing on that kind of thing in the next year or two. He said he will be looking into that. He said he'd love to do that. He said that stuff is really exciting for him. He said stand up is too.
Howard said Michael is helping to write his psychic show. Michael said that the thing Robin said earlier is that the dead people can never talk but they have to speak in one letter answers. Howard said there are a lot of great sketches on his show. He said you have to check it out.
Howard thanked Michael for giving them so much time today. He said it's so damn delightful. Michael thanked him too. He said he's so excited they even paid attention to his show. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said he looks like shit. He just saw himself in a reflection. Robin said she finds Michael very sexy. She said Howard should have mentioned him earlier when she was doing the Harry Styles thing.
Howard said on Monday they have Post Malone coming in. He said they'll get to know him then. He said that guy has his face tattooed and he usually avoids people who do that but with Post Malone he'll make an exception. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.