Howard said when you get a kitten you don't even remember what it was like when it was a kitten. He said it's fun but if you get an older cat you know what the temperament is going to be and all of that.
Howard said he was texting with Rob Zombie and Sheri texted Beth and said she saw the 17 year old cat in need of a home. He said it reminded them of their cat. He said that they wanted to open their home to that cat. He said they were so thrilled by that. He said they're great pet owners too. He said they take really good care of their pets. He said it's emotional because they've done that too. He said you love the cat and it's not going to die while you're around but you give it some good years. He said that's Rob and Sheri. He said that dude is just a good dude and Sheri of course. He said he loves those two.
Howard said that's all he wanted to say. He said he wanted to share that with Robin. Robin said she has taken in older cats too. She said they're not all kittens. Howard said don't make it about you.
Howard asked who knew that Rob Zombie was such a great guy. Robin said if you see the movies he makes you'd never know he loves cats. Howard said he's a good dude. He said he's making a movie now and he's not sure if he's allowed to say anything about it. He said he'll keep his mouth shut. He said you'll get a kick out of what he's working on. He said he's not going to say what it is though.
Howard said he had to struggle for everything in his life and he thinks he has a natural thing for this. He said the hairs on the back of his neck go up because of these kids who get things that they shouldn't have gotten. He said that they have an advantage that you don't think they should have. Robin said now he's like a black man talking about white privilege. Howard said that's right.
Howard said his father had a recording studio and he didn't want him working there. He said he claimed he was doing him a favor because it was a shit business. He said his father never showed him how to record anything. He said he gets jealous of these guys like Dhani Harrison. He said Jason Bonham doesn't bother him for some reason. He said he's not sure about Dhani. He said he doesn't know if he can play or not. Robin asked if Sean Lennon bothers him. Howard said Julian Lennon doesn't because he had hits.
Robin asked if he minds Wolfie Van Halen. Howard said not at all. He said he hates that he was nurtured by his father though.
Howard said he was so bothered by this Dhani Harrison. He said he was just up there strumming on guitar. He said he grew up the son of George Harrison. He said he got all the breaks he needed. He said that he wants to be thrown up there like that. He said he hates people who are handed anything. He said he's such a bitter guy. He said his apologies to Dhani Harrison. He said he did nothing wrong but he wanted him out of that shot.
Howard said he gets so upset about that. Robin asked if he asks himself what it is that triggers that. Howard said he can't get rid of whatever that is.
Howard said Robin thinks that if he could work on himself that he could accept Dhani up there. He said that would be awesome. Robin said she thinks he could bring it up in therapy to get it out of him. Howard said he would never bring that up. He said he wouldn't want his therapist to think he's weird. He said he would end up in a mental institution.
Howard said he doesn't enjoy anything. He said when he does start enjoying something his brain asks him why he's focusing on something positive.
Howard said Joel Gallen is a great producer. He said he saw that he was re-cutting that video and he was hoping that they were cutting out Dhani from the video. He said people say that he's the loveliest kid ever but he has no idea. Robin said he's hating on this poor child. Robin said he's like an internet troll in his life.
Howard took a call from his fake therapist who told him to get his ass over there now. He said he's pretty fucked in the head. He said it's been over 12 hours since he last saw him and they have a lot of work to do. He said don't finish the show just get in the car and get over there immediately. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said he wasn't even able to get an apartment when he was working there because he was making so little money. He said he had to take a shithole apartment in Yonkers because of that.
Howard said here were people talking about how great it was working there. He said that station was so fucking down while he was there. He said he played the same sermon every week for a year and no one knew. He said no one was listening. He said he was so bad that no one would listen to this. He said it was horrible. He said the wattage was like 3000. He said that the only good thing is that he got to practice being on radio. He figured he had to get out of there. He said he can't spend his whole life there. He said he would never make a living and be somebody. He said he sat there for 2 years. Robin said she didn't know it was that long. Howard said he needed that because he was so horrible.
Howard said he sent out tapes everywhere trying to find a job. He said he was told he was horrible. He said eventually he got his job at WCCC in Hartford and that was some station. He said he was told he was horrible and he really did suck.
Howard said Meg Griffin and her husband worked at WRNW and they were filled with music knowledge. He said he had none of that. He said he was in Backwardsville. He said he was looking for things to play that people had never heard of. He said he had very commercial taste according to some people there.
Howard said he had to get out of that place. He said he was reading about Bob Pitman who was super talented. He said Rick Dees was doing radio at 9.
Robin asked why he was reading the posts from WRNW. Howard said he's not going to read them anymore. He said that couldn't have been the best time in anyone's life. He said it depresses him reading that. Robin asked why he was on there reading that stuff. Howard said he was trying to find something to make him happy after the Dhani Harrison video.
Howard said the only thing that makes him feel better is this Adventure Denali on YouTube. He said she makes him happy. He said she loves talking about pens and journaling. He said it's great. He said this weekend she had a video where she bought an old desk and she was showing how she was putting it together. He said she bought it for like 200 bucks and she was making it seem like the greatest thing. He said she had a big hole in her wall but she's so happy. He said he loves it. He said she bought an onion skin paper journal and she was so happy about it. He said he wants to hang with her so bad. He said he wants to soak in that happiness. Robin said she would love to put him here. She said she wants her to invite her. Howard said he wants to adopt her but Beth thinks it's inappropriate. Robin said he would ruin her. Howard said of course he would. He said he can't calm down.
Howard said there's a new movie out this weekend that looked good with Angelina Jolie. He said that it was on HBOMax. He said he can't keep track of all of this stuff. He said JD saw it and said it was good. Robin said you used to turn on the TV and whatever was new was right there but now you have to be on the right streaming service.
Robin said that Ricky Schroder jumped all over some guy when he was asked to wear a mask. Robin said Ricky went off on the kid screaming at the kid. She said he was yelling about getting back our freedom. Howard said this is these Trumpies. He said that you're there for 15 minutes so just wear a fucking mask. Robin said this kid was just doing what the boss told him to do. Howard said if you were a grown man named Ricky you'd be angry too.
Gary said this was just a guy at Costco and then Ricky goes and turns the camera on himself and says he's going in to get a refund and he suggests that no one shop there. Gary said no one is going to listen to that guy.
Howard said there's a story in the paper about guys getting limp dick from COVID. He said this is a legit thing. He said he has some audio of Michel Blackson talking about getting this limp dick thing from COVID. He played the clip and Michael was talking about the symptoms he had.
Howard said the reason you have to wear a mask is because you can still spread this COVID. He said it's so simple. Robin said she was listening to Dr. Fauci who said that what they have discovered now is if you contract COVID and you're asymptomatic there is less of the virus in your nasal passages than a person who has been vaccinated. She said that's why the CDC has said you don't need a mask. She said you have less of a chance of getting it and it's effective against the variants. Howard said we'd be in euphoria if everyone who won't get vaccinated would just get vaccinated.
Howard said we don't know exactly what's going on with this thing and it could change. Robin said that if you have a vaccine you don't have to wear a mask anywhere. Howard said they say that if you have to go into a store you still have to. Robin said that you don't have to wear a mask if you are vaccinated. Howard said he knows but it's not right.
Bobo said it's a shit show. He said Disney isn't making anyone wear a mask. Robin said she's still wearing a mask. Howard said he is too. He said when he goes on a walk he won't wear one outside. He said he won't go out to a restaurant yet. He said that he is comfortable seeing some people who have been vaccinated. He said he doesn't like this honor system. He said there's mostly not honorable people out there. Robin said that's been proven this year. Howard said you should have to wear a card around your neck to show that you've been vaccinated. Howard said he's met people who think they have the antibodies because they think they had COVID. He said that's bullshit.
Howard took a call from Angry Black who hasn't called in for quite a while. Angry Black said that he's just gotten older. He said the older he gets the more resolved he's gotten. He said that he doesn't get into fights as much as he used to. He said people just want to sue instead of fight. Howard asked if they should call him Mellow Black now. Angry Black said that's what one of his buddies says about him. Howard asked how old he is now. Angry Black said he's almost 50. He said he's still hanging in there. He said he has a nice new M440 BMW. Howard asked if he got married or anything. Angry Black said not yet. He said he missed the boat on that. Fred played a boat horn for that. Howard said maybe he can hook him up with Robin. Angry Black said he'd be into that.
Angry Black said the reason he called in is because this COVID stuff is happening and it's going to get better. He said our country has beaten so many things. He said that we're going to beat this and you can't live in fear. He said he can't tell him that he's not going to go to a restaurant. Howard said not right now but he will eventually. He said he has lived in fear and he's glad he did because he was able to avoid COVID. He said he had a friend who almost died in the hospital from it. He said it was great to hear from Mellow Black.
Robin said Bill Maher tested positive for COVID and he had to put his show on hold this week. She said he was asymptomatic though.
Howard said it was good to hear from Angry Black but he's always in fear so that's just how he rolls. Robin said she doesn't live in fear but she takes precautions. She said she has gone out to eat and gone to people's homes. Robin said she told Howard that last week. Howard said he didn't know that.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he's double vaccinated. Howard said good. King asked if Angry is on the phone. Howard said he hung up on him. King said that he's still acting all white. He said Angry Black said that he didn't want to get the vaccination. Howard said he didn't say that. He asked why he thinks he's acting white. He asked what it is that makes him say that. King said back in the say he tried to get white girls and had personalized license plates and stuff. He said he just had that vibe. Howard asked if they didn't get along. King said he just rubbed him the wrong way.
Howard got Angry Black back on the line and asked if he thinks that he acts white. Angry Black said that he never thought that way and he loves King but come on. King asked what kind of beer he drinks. Angry Black said Heineken. King laughed. Angry Black said he has a shot of Absolut too. King said he's still the same way. Angry Black said he's still the same way. He said he has that new BMW M440. King said that's nice but what does he have on his plate. Angry Black said that he was told to get rid of that by his attorney. He said that people will come after you if you do that.
King asked if Angry Black is getting the vaccine. Angry Black said he is not because he doesn't want to take it. He said if he gets ill he will go to his physician or whatever. He said he's not wearing a mask. Howard said he's fascinated by this. He asked if he doesn't read what's going on in India. He said people are dropping dead. Angry Black said that he doesn't understand what's going on over there without enough oxygen. Howard said people are dying here too. Angry Black said that most of them died in New York State because of the governor. He said he believes in science and doctors but he won't get the vaccine. Howard said he's going to end up getting COVID and he won't be able to get help.
Angry Black said that he is talking to the doctors about this and he's basing this all on science. Howard said you can get a limp dick from it. He said they've all gotten it there on the show and now they can walk around mask free. Angry Black said he's not taking it. Howard asked what he thinks is going to happen if he takes it. Angry Black said they're trying to get you to follow and conform and you're all being the good sheep. He said if he passes away he'll be fine. He said by June or July they'll be fine. Robin said it was supposed to be over last summer too. Howard said look what's happened to our country. Robin said people think they're so bold and they're not going to be sheep. She asked what happens when they over run hospitals when they're all sick at the same time. Angry Black said he's not sick though. Robin said you're not sick until you're sick.
King asked who Angry Black voted for. Angry Black said he had to hold his nose and vote for Biden. King asked if he was down in Washington on January 6th. Angry Black said not at all. He said that was an insurrection and every one of them should be held responsible. Angry Black said that he's an old school Reagan republican.
King asked if Angry Black has leather at the top of his Timberlands yet. He said he didn't have them back in the day. He asked if he's still wearing that shit. Angry Black said he's wearing Adidas. He said he doesn't wear any other brand of sneakers. King said after about 3 wears they crease and they look crazy. Howard asked what King wears. King said he likes exclusives stuff. He said he has some stuff that's exclusive. He said he has to see a picture of this guy. He said those sneakers he's wearing are the ones you see tied together in the bin by the front of the store.
Howard said King reminds him of the kids in Roosevelt who put people down for what they were wearing. He asked what he should be wearing today not to be made fun of. King told Howard what he could wear with the different types of jeans and things like that. He was naming all of this stuff and Robin had no idea what they were. Howard asked if Air Jordans are still cool. King said they are but not the kind you get at Foot Locker. He said you have to go to Fight X and sites like that.
Howard asked how people know you got the Jordans from Foot Locker. King said they know. He said that they know that they're in there. He said if you got them from Fight Club you know they didn't come from Foot Locker. Howard asked why it's better to pay more from there than Foot Locker. King said they're not the same. He said you can tell.
Angry Black asked if it's appropriate for a guy his age to wear skinny jeans. King said not at all. Howard said the guys on The Bachelor look ridiculous in skinny jeans.
King said he's talking about Angry Black and what kind of jeans he wears. He asked if he's wearing Wrangler. Angry Black said he's a simple man and he wears Levis. He said they're fine. King said they're fine to wear if they're 501s or something.
King told Howard that he should get these $600 Yeezys. Howard asked if he thinks a white guy wearing them is trying too hard. King said times have changed. He said that if you're white you can wear that stuff now. He said it's not like it used to be.
Howard asked if he can go to Foot Locker and buy running shoes. King said yes. He said it's a good spot to get that. He said don't try to dress up there though. He said that you act like a clown doing that. He said you can look fresh going there.
Howard asked if there are things that white people shouldn't wear now. King said not at all. He said you can wear Doc Martins now in the hood. Angry Black said that he sees that stuff out there and asks guys if they have a Tupac shirt on who that is and they have no idea. He said he's just like ''whatever'' and walks away.
King and Angry Black were talking about people getting pulled over and all of that and Angry said he never gets pulled over.
Howard asked if a white guy can wear a BLM shirt. King said absolutely. Angry Black said they can but that's like a roach wearing a RAID shirt. King said the BLM movement is big because of white people. He said black people can't make that as big as it is without them. He said we do need white people to get the message.
Howard asked Gary to order him some Yeezys. He said he has to get it on FightClub.com too. Angry Black told him not to forget his BLM shirt. King said Howard never wears that stuff. He said get the Yeezy slides in Pure. Howard said he thought he'd say they aren't cool because Kanye was hanging out with Trump. Angry Black said that Kanye is a sucker and a fool or a Herb. King said what he's saying is that he can separate that from the Trump shit because his sneakers are fire. He said he's a billionaire because of his sneakers. He said that every pair is unbelievable.
King said he ordered a Louis Vuitton messenger bag that was like $2600. He said he had to have it.
Angry Black asked if they're ever going to do another road trip. King said he'll answer for Howard... No. Howard said he will tell you what. He said it's important that when the timing is right and we have to get back to normal they'll go back to L.A. Howard said Angry Black won't be going because he's not vaccinated. Angry Black asked if he can go if he gets vaccinated. Howard said he can fly himself out there if he wants to. He said he can go now and wait for them if he wants to.
King said as soon as a white man says that he has to get it to go on a trip he's fine with the vaccine. He asked if he knows how to tap dance too. Howard said that's enough of that. King said when Angry went to the BMW dealer they thought he was a driver. King laughed. Angry Black said that they welcomed him like he was a good customer because he was buying another one. He said he got it at Tenafly BMW. He said he got the car in black with the blue lighting inside. He said he loves the grill on the car so much that he's not putting a plate on it. He said it's the dopest BMW he's ever had.
King brought up the kind of vodka he drinks and how he has to ask for it from behind the counter. Howard asked what kind of beer you drink to be accepted in the black community. Angry Black said that he drinks Coors light or Heineken. He said that he won't drink certain kinds of beer. He also talked about the place where he goes to drink in his town. King asked how many black people are in there. Angry Black said that everyone in there is black. King said he doesn't think that's the case. He said there is zero question about that. He said that they can't be all black. Angry Black said it's the Strap Hanger in Hackensack. He said come out there and see yourself.
Howard said he thinks that he has to let everyone go. He said it was good to hear from Angry Black after all this time.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked King why he's such an asshole. He asked who he is to tell people what they can and can't wear. Howard said he's just saying he's aware of knowing what is right to wear or not wear. The caller said that he claims everything. He said he offers nothing to the show. King said he's a fan of gentrification.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that if he was such a fashionista then he'd want to be outside of what people actually wear. He said the only reason he thinks stuff is special is because he paid more for it. Howard said he's right about that. He said that is odd to him.
King said you can go into Foot Locker and get some nice sneakers. He said if you want exclusives then you have to go to certain places to get them. The caller said you can get them on web sites. King said you can't. Howard said he's going to offer King an exclusive subscription to SiriusXM that's $75 a month. He said that's exclusive to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Yeezys are dead. He said they put out a million of them and they sell for retail in every store. He said they're trash. He said that maybe some of the V1s are okay. He said that every frat kid has a set of Yeezy 350s. King and the caller were going back and forth talking about the different types of sneakers.
Howard said he didn't plan to spend an hour on shoes. King asked if he can say just one thing about Rolexes. He said you have to get the one where the crown meets at the back and not the clasp. He said he just knows this stuff. He said when you wave to someone the crown has to meet. Howard said alright.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has been listening to the show for 25 years and he doesn't get why he's worried about other people so much if he's vaccinated. Howard said we could get rid of COVID if we had herd immunity. The caller said if you eat properly and take care of your health then you won't get it. Howard said you have to listen to him. He said he's right about eating well and all but Polio would still be around without a vaccine. The caller said the only vaccine for COVID is the Johnson and Johnson. Howard said he's not a doctor. He asked what he does. The caller said that he's in construction. Howard said he's probably great in construction but he worries about other people too. He said that he's doing this for other people too. He said he doesn't want his parents to get it. King said that this guy got his advice from the coffee truck guy. Howard said that's probably right. Howard said he has to go. He said he can't keep talking about this. King said he has a new Twitter page which is King of All Blacks on Twitter.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the Rolex thing is something from 25 years ago and you can't get that crown thing anymore. King said he just got one. Howard asked the caller what this thing is that he's talking about. The caller explained what King was talking about with the band on the watch.
The caller, Paul, and King were going back and forth talking about the Rolex thing and talking about what they sell for. King said he has a diamond earring that's valued at $25,000. Paul said King is a douche. He said he's a big fan of the show. King asked why he's the douche. Paul said he's just a douche. Howard said he didn't know there were cool and not cool Rolexes. Howard thanked them for calling in and wrapped up.
Howard said he learned nothing today. He took a call from a guy who said King is looking for followers and it might be time to dethrone him and not follow him on Twitter. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and hummed along to the song that was playing. Robin asked if the lyrics are ''I smell sex and candy'' because she didn't know that's what it was. Howard said this guy wrote the song in an hour. He said someone came into his girlfriend's dorm room and said it smelled like sex and candy in there and he remembered that and wrote a song about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has a COVID story to share. He said last year he was very sick with COVID and he was told he had to get on a ventilator to beat it. He said he got really scared and a nurse came over and asked if he wanted any music. He said he didn't want to hear music and wanted to hear Howard Stern. He said on his death bed this nurse found a clip to play for him before he was put into a coma. He said he was in a coma for about 21 days. Howard said that has to be the scariest thing to be put in a coma. He said you have to shit your pants. He said a lot of people don't come out of that. The caller said that a whole team comes in and gets the room ready and he's thinking that could be it for him. He said in April of last year the odds weren't good for coming out of it. He said it was nice that the nurse tried to calm him down with a clip of the show.
The caller said while he was in a coma he had 3 hallucinations and they involved Howard and the show. He said he was definitely in his thoughts. Howard said when Angry Black was talking about not getting the vaccine he thinks about this ordeal that this guy went through. He said this guy has had a lot of physical and medical trauma from it. He said people who think they eat well and are healthy will survive it you may have other issues. He said this vaccine is a miracle. He said just take it so we can get back to normal.
Orin said Angry Black said if he gets sick he's going to go to the doctor. She said he's exposing more people to the virus.
Howard asked the caller, Gabriel, what this clip was that he heard. He said he's not sure what it was but it was something off the internet. Howard said they don't want anyone bootlegging anything but he's glad he called in.
Gabriel said it's taken him a full year to get back in shape. He said that the things he doesn't discuss are the mental impacts. He said that being in a hospital for 21 days on a ventilator are tough. He said it's tough for the family and the people at the hospital. Howard asked if he dick still works. Gabriel said it seems to be working just fine.
Howard said he wants to tell him something. He said that he's actually still in the hospital in a coma and this is just a hallucination right now. He said he wants him to wake up. Gabriel said he'll try. Howard said that would make a great movie if that was what was happening.
Gabriel said that he had a hallucination that Howard was making a movie and Benjy kept trying to get into it. Howard said that's his hell and he's in that hell with him right now while they're in this coma.
Howard said they were thinking that she was leaving over her ratings that have dropped. He said the real truth is that all of the daytime shows are losing their audience. He said it's not as much fun when everyone is on Zoom. He said you don't want to see a hot chick's head, you want to see her body too. Howard said that's why people aren't tuning in. He said then a yenta gets on and says the reason they're not watching Ellen's show is because the audience knows she's a hypocrite because she says be nice but in real life she's not nice. Howard said he's listening to this and thinks about how this lady is out of her mind. He said Johnny Carson wasn't a nice person but the show was number 1. He said people don't care what kind of piece of shit you are or not. He said people just want to be entertained.
Howard said Donald Trump said he likes to grab women by the pussy and 75 million people voted for him. He said a ton of women voted for him. He said he got more votes than anyone. He said he beat Hillary Clinton. He said none of this makes any sense. He said Johnny Carson could have Beheaded Ed McMahon on the air and people still would have watched the show.
Howard said as far as Ellen goes her ratings are down but all daytime TV ratings are down. He said everyone is sick of looking at Zoom. He said people are done with that.
Howard said that no one knows anything. He said he's worked with some of the biggest experts out there and they're clueless. He said no one knows anything.
Howard said next year if guests are allowed to come in live then Ellen's ratings will be up and it'll be fine.
Howard said OJ Simpson is on Twitter and has people following him. He said most of us think that he decapitated two people. Howard said you think people care if Ellen is a hypocrite? He said no one cares. He said just entertain my ass.
Howard said people don't seem to care about anything. He said no one even thinks about Ellen for 10 minutes. He said that people voted for Trump even after the grab 'em by the pussy comment. He said no one cares.
Howard said Michael Jackson spent way too much time with kids in a room and people still love him. Robin said people still send her memes with Michael Jackson in them. Howard said Mel Gibson screamed the N-word and about the Jews and he's still working. He asked who cares. He said this OJ drives him fucking crazy. He said he's watching him on Twitter and he's doing messages from golf courses and playing golf. He said in one he's on a beach in a beautiful setting and he's having fun. He said OJ has over 900,000 followers and he was talking about how he's a fan of Liz Cheney's now. He said he's out playing golf while this is going on.
Howard played a clip of OJ talking about how he wasn't a fan of Liz Cheney but now he's a fan. Howard would interrupt and do his OJ impression during the clip. Howard made a joke about how Dick Cheney was too ''cut throat'' for OJ. Howard played more of the audio and OJ said he's more of a fan of Liz Cheney's now than he ever was of her father.
Howard said it drives him crazy that he's out there and Nicole Brown is in the ground and Ron Goldman is in the ground. He said this guy gets to live. He said that makes him nuts.
Howard said don't follow OJ on Twitter. He said just let him listen to the clips and play them.
Howard said this is a clip from May 3rd when OJ was on the water when he recorded this. He had some thoughts on the NFL draft. Howard played some of that and interrupted to do more of his impression of OJ. He played some of the clip and OJ was talking about what a good weekend he had. Howard said this guy is out enjoying himself while Nicole and Ron are gone. OJ was talking about staying safe by getting your shot and wearing a mask. Howard said he's just saying ''Keep your head on your shoulders if you can.''
Howard said what a set of balls on this guy. He said this is OJ talking about how pro-police he is. Howard did more of his OJ voice and talked about how blue lives matter but ex-wives and waiter's lives don't.
Howard played another clip of OJ talking about the Derek Chauvin trial. Howard played that and OJ was talking about all of this legal stuff during the trial that he claimed to know about. Howard said this fucking guy.
Howard said OJ is an expert on applying force to George Floyd. He played more audio of OJ talking about that and how they had George compliant when they had him on the ground. Robin said they should have called him as an expert during that trial.
Howard said like JD says, OJ was very funny in the Naked Gun movies. He said OJ posted a video while he was on vacation. He said that he shared his thoughts on NFL quarterback Deshaun Watson. Howard said you have to see him doing this on top of some building. OJ was saying he was on vacation from vacation playing golf. He laughed when he said that. Howard said he should be bankrupt after what he's done. Howard played more of the clip and OJ was going on about the draft. Howard said he hopes that Fred Goldman isn't watching this shit. He said that would make him crazy. He said he never got justice for his son. He said the whole thing just freaks him out. OJ said he knows what accusations can do to your reputation. Howard said the balls on this guy are huge.
Howard said they point to guys who get away with shit. He said Claus Von Bulow ran off to Europe to hide. He said OJ is just sticking around. Robin said Robert Blake is another one who vanished after his trial. Howard asked if OJ is any good at golf. Robin said probably not. She said he should be a pro after being able to play so much.
Howard said he has known guys who played a lot of golf and never got better. He asked what the point is if you don't improve.
Howard said OJ talked about Transgender rights in one clip. He said being alive is great because you get to experience so many things. He said if you're having a good life then you'd think you'd keep it on the down low if you were OJ. Robin said he's acting like none of that ever happened. Howard said this is all part of being the fabric of life. He said he wants to hear Nicole and Ron's opinions on Trans women.
Howard played OJ talking about how Caitlyn Jenner changed his thoughts on transgender people playing sports. He said that someone reminded him of how upset he was when Caitlyn was playing from the ladies tees. He said that he thought it was unfair. OJ said he was against transgender males competing against women. He said he was thinking about it and wondering if trans women should be able to compete against females.
Howard said he's really just against it and doesn't want to say it. He said he's not sure who his golf buddies are. He asked how you tell your wife that you're golfing with OJ Simpson. Robin said she doesn't know. Howard did more of his OJ voice talking about how great it is to be alive.
Howard said they're calling the FCC about the phony phone calls. He said imagine they were busted by the FCC for that. He said he likes that radio guys threaten people with the FCC like that. He said you can't contact the FCC about that. He said they're running a radio show and letting people call in. He said they're responsible for most calls to the radio shows on the internet. He said they were also saying they were calling the phone company about the prank calls. He said they must have their own police. He said he knows guys who are spending 7 years a piece in phone jail. Howard said he can't believe that guy threatened them with the FCC.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows he's going to get a lot of hate mail about King of All Blacks but he's great. He said he speaks his mind and he loves that. He said it's like old school Stern when he's on.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would do any inductions for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame if some band like Jethro Tull asked him to. Howard said no and hung up on the guy. He said he doesn't want to induct anyone. He said he's not sure how many times he has to say that. He said he doesn't care who it is. He said even if it's the Beatles and Rolling Stones he doesn't care. He said he doesn't like it. He said there's no band that you could name that he'd want to induct.
Howard said when Jon Bon Jovi came to him he wanted to say no to him so bad. He said that he fooled him and tracked him down at his psychiatrist's office. He said that Jon found him and asked him in person. He said he has known Jon for many years. He said he's such a handsome man and he looked him in the eye and asked him to induct the band. He said Jon said he was the only person he wanted to induct them. He said he agreed to do it. He said he caved in 2 seconds. Robin said he didn't know it was going to be in Cleveland either. Howard said she's right. He said Jon even told his wife that he knew it was Cleveland but didn't tell him.
Fred played the Jethro Tull ''Aqualung'' riff and Howard would say quick lines to go with that riff. He went on and on with that bit for a few minutes.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she loves him so much and he was getting on himself so much about the radio stuff. She said that he created this all himself and he hasn't resolved that with his therapist. Howard said she's so lovely. He thanked her for the pep talk. Mariann said she can't wait to go to L.A. Howard said don't listen to him about that. He said he's not going anywhere. He said he gets euphoric on the show and he doesn't even know what he's saying. He said that Beth has to get him out of this deep hole he's in every morning. She has to tell him how he entertains millions of people every morning. He said he doesn't care.
Howard said he's still watching ''This is Us'' and the last season will be next year. He said they say that the character Beth was eating Lucky Charms on the show and he was thinking that it could have something to do with his wife. He said he wondered if they were inspired by that story about Beth eating them on Instagram. He said he doesn't know if it is or not but he is wondering. He asked if anyone knows then let him know. Howard said he's not sure who to reach out to but he'd like to know.
Howard said that there's a new song parody about Handjob Connie too. He played that quick one.
Howard said that he mentioned that Curtis Kay died and someone wrote in about him. He said he passed away from cancer last year. Howard said he hired him over 40 years ago at WRNW. He said that he was the Program Director there for a short time and hired Curtis.
Howard read more fan feedback about Gary and his discussion about being a Scotch fan now. He read some of the feedback they got about that. Someone wrote in about how wrong Gary was about so many things he talked about last week. Howard said a lot of people don't think Gary knows what he's talking about. Howard played a song parody about Gary and the Scotch drinking.
Howard asked if there's any difference with the vagine. Nathan said they do have to use lube but it's tighter down there. He said she is pretty hot too. Howard asked Nathan if he ever goes down on her. Nathan said that's a waste of time. He said they do anal. He said that it's mainly him going anal on her. Howard asked how her voice is. Nathan said that it's a deeper voice but it's not terrible. Robin asked how they got together. Nathan said they met at a bar in Omaha. Robin asked if they knew right away. Howard asked if she told him right away or waited. Nathan said she told him right away. He said that he thought she was beautiful and had a nice personality so he was in with her right away.
Howard asked if anyone wants to beat them up or anything. Nathan said some of his friends make fun of him but they're not getting pussy anyway. Howard said they're not getting real or fake pussy. Howard asked if Nathan considers himself heterosexual. Nathan said he would say that he might not be completely hetero so maybe bisexual.
Howard said he follows Hunter Shaffer on Twitter and she may still have a wiener. He said on the TV show she seems to have a package. He said that she may still have her penis. Robin said maybe she has a puffy vagine. Howard said he was thinking that they gave it to her on the TV show so it looks like she has one.
Howard took a call from Nathan's girlfriend who was just a dude doing the voice and answering questions about her vagina and all of that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who had the Cameo thing that they wanted him to read. He read it to Howard and they wanted him to talk about his dead arm and stuff. He said they were fucking with him. Howard said he's famous for his dead arm and he smokes. Jeff said they were fucking with him. He said fuck them. Howard asked how much he turned down. Jeff said it was just two Cameos. Howard asked why he cares about showing his arm. He said he's known for that. Jeff said it's stupid showing his arm. Howard said he can't believe he has that standard. Jeff said that he should believe it. Howard said Jeff is always complaining about not making enough on Cameo so he should have just done it. Jeff said he'll just do it then. He said he's sorry. Howard said that dead arm is his personality. He said just show that dead arm.
Jeff said he thinks that Bobo lied to him. He said he saw a commercial about the iPhone and... Howard cut him off and said he doesn't care. He said it's all a bunch of bullshit. He said whenever he tells a story it falls apart. Jeff said Bobo lied about when he fell of the moped or whatever. He said he saw a commercial talking about the iPhone and he's sure Bobo saw it and came up with the story just to get air time. Howard told Jeff to just go do the Cameo for this guy.
Nathan said he has to get to work so he has to go. He said he loves the show. Howard said he wants to see some pictures of the girlfriend. He said he likes that whole thing. Robin said she's very impressed. Howard said he wanted him to stay on the line to find out what kind of sneakers and Rolex he wears.
Howard said Jason has lost 53 pounds. He said Memet saw him and it was startling. He had Jason stand up on camera to show himself. Jason looked thinner to them. Howard said Will saw him too and said he looked like the kid in the movie ''Big'' in the clothes that he was wearing. Will said it's so ridiculous looking.
Jason said that he got a lot of nice reactions when he saw everyone live. Howard said it would be interesting if he turns out to be a hot guy when he's thin. He said he remembers a guy in high school who lost a lot of weight. He said that his name was Henry and he changed his name to Hank when he lost weight. He said that Henry wasn't able to get laid but when he lost it he became Hank and got laid. He said he got the hottest girl that summer. He said it was crazy. He said then he stopped talking to his friends. He said he got too cool to hang out with the losers.
Howard asked if Jason's wife is afraid that he's going to leave her. Jason said that she's losing weight too. Howard asked if they're having more sex. Jason said he can't talk about that but they do have more energy now. He said they're going out on walks and hikes and all of that.
Howard asked if his doodies are different now. Jason said they are and he's going less. He said he used to go a couple of times a day. He said now it's like once a day.
Howard said he's trying to eat healthier and he has this woman helping him out. He said it's been incredible. He said that doody is supposed to float. He said it's not supposed to break up. He said that it's never really been floaty. He said now every one of them is floating. He said he's doing the Mediterranean diet and it's all floating. He said he has achieved perfection. He said it's the right color and all of that. He said that his are perfect. He said he and his anus are on cloud 9 over that.
Howard said Jason lost his weight thanks to Nutri-System. He said they're not even a sponsor but that's how they're doing it. Jason said he and his wife have lost about 90 pounds between the two of them. Howard said whatever issue he had around food has been addressed.
Howard said people should be listening to Jason and not Oprah. He said that he wants to listen to someone who can lose it and keep it off. Jason said he's still on the losing part of it. He said he will get off of Nutri-System eventually. He said that he has seen the issues he had with food and if he wanted to have something to eat he was just eating it. He said he's trying to come to a different relationship with food. Howard said he wasn't as hungry as he thought he was. Jason said it was a reward. Howard said he should be interviewing Harry and Meghan, not Oprah.
Jason said that he had ketchup the other day for the first time in months. He said it tasted like sugar to him. He said he didn't know what happened.
Howard asked Jason about what he was eating at his most busy time. Jason said he was eating all day long. He said he'd be constantly eating. Robin said he used to have a freezer full of meat. Jason said he still does because he hasn't touched it in months.
Howard said you have to stick to 3 meals a day and don't snack during the day. Jason said he has snacks during the day. He said they're built into the diet. He said it's like apples and cottage cheese. Howard said now he can smoke weed and not eat. Jason said he never really ate after smoking. He said it was drinking that was the issue. He said that he'd drink and he wanted to eat after drinking. He said he's been avoiding alcohol.
Howard asked if he's working out at all. Jason said he has an elliptical. He said he has a Hydrow but he hasn't hooked it up yet because he's moving. He said he did go off diet one day for his mother's birthday. He said he's very careful about how much he eats. Will said he came over to his house and only had one slice of pizza. He said they used to leave food on his desk and he would eat whatever it was. He said he didn't care where it came from.
Howard said one of the fun things they did was do that to Jason and they'd bet on it. Howard asked what the worst thing was. Will said it would be open candy and he'd just eat it. Jason said he came back and there was a McDonald's cheeseburger on his desk and he just ate it. Howard said that's so great.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he shouldn't be congratulating Jason on this. He said this is what a person is supposed to do. He said you don't have to congratulate them. Howard said he's doing a good job with it so they want to encourage that. Ralph also told him not to call it a ''journey.'' He said it's not that important. He said it's just something he did. Howard said he might be right about that.
Howard said he heard someone on a walk the other day talking about how he was staying ''well hydrated'' and he wanted the guy to just say he's drinking water.
Jason said he's still fat but he's not as fat as he was a few months ago. Robin said you have to think about how you can breathe better now and it's going to be better down the road. Robin asked if he shaves his neck. Jason said he shaves to the bottom of his neck and then the air comes up. Howard said he looks like a wolf. Will said his hair goes from his head to his feet. Jason said that's his big prize after losing all that weight he still has all of that hair.
Howard wrapped up the show and did a live commercial read before ending the show around 10:25am.
Howard started the show talking to Robin about her makeup and glasses. She had just taken them off and wondered if anyone would recognize her. Howard said she's doing that smoky eye makeup thing. He said they call her Sultry Robin when she does that. Robin said maybe she did it for Michael Che. Howard said maybe she did.
Howard said there was a Baba Booey at a golf tournament so things must be getting back to normal. He said the guy really let one loose too. He said this is KH Lee at some tournament. Howard played the clip and the guy let out a loud ''Baba Booey!'' as the guy teed off.
Robin said she drove to Brooklyn this past weekend and it was the worst traffic she's seen since the pandemic started.
Howard said he was reading about Brazil and what's going on there with the pandemic. He said infants there are dying from COVID. He said there's a tremendous amount of this. He said babies are dying and they're seeing this more and more in Brazil. He said the article was saying one of the newer variants there is killing infants. He said he doesn't want to be a buzz kill because people want to get back to normal. He said he'd like to get out of the house and see people and get back to normal. He said when he reads that we're vaccinated but kids under 16 are not then he worries. He said he feels it's very opportunistic and you wonder how you can stay active. Robin said you want to stay alive. Howard said the virus doesn't think it's a virus, it thinks we're a virus. He said in Brazil it's killing babies. He said this concerns him. He said he still feels that this thing is in the air and it's a killer. He said he's not sure how we get back to normal.
Howard said people who have infants at home would want to hang themselves if this killed their baby. He said it's not like we're getting back to normal yet. He said the idiots out there who are lucky enough to have a free vaccine and a way out of this thing are selfish if they don't get it. He said the virus will keep spreading if you don't get vaccinated. He said 832 children 5 and under have died from this. He said there's something in the air. Robin said they have been very lax about trying to control COVID there. She said this is where it's gone.
Howard said if you meet someone who won't get vaxed then you can thank them for this. He said he wants them to be branded.
Howard said in India it's out of control. He said it's his worst nightmare. He said he has a story about a 76 year old woman who got COVID over there. He said she gets to the hospital and there are no beds. He said they took her home and this woman was pronounced dead because she wasn't moving. He said they have a funeral for the woman there and they were lighting up the fire to burn her up and then she wakes up. He said she starts crying not knowing what's going on. Howard said she was minutes away from being burned up.
Howard said over there they have over 4000 COVID deaths a day. Robin said they had the same problem there in New York early on. She said this is why they asked people to wear masks. She said in India they're overwhelmed. Howard said he wants 100 second opinions when they say he's dead. He said you have to make sure that you're dead before you send them off.
Howard said this P1 variant is spreading in Brazil and that's the one that's killing pregnant women and babies. He said some Brazilian women are giving birth to stillborn children. He said that you have to get the vaccine. He said there are such assholes in his country. He said he's not sure how we became a country of assholes. Robin said she read more about this Ricky Schroder thing and he's got all kinds of theories. Howard said he has tape of him doing his thing at Walmart or wherever he was. Robin said he has issued an apology too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that we're slowly coming out of it here but in Brazil they have a president who won't do anything. He said he promotes anything that goes against everything to get them out of this. He said he's not asking people to wear masks or anything and they give them medicine that doesn't work. He said it's fucked up there. Howard said it sounds like Trump moved to Brazil and took over there. He said if Trump was still in office we'd be like Brazil. He said it's illogical. He said the world is upside down. Howard said it takes work and effort to get people shots. He said it's really frustrating.
Howard said this is Ricky Schroder who was on the show ''Silver Spoons'' as a kid. He said that idiot went into a Costco and they ask you to wear a mask there. He said just do it if you're in there for 15 minutes or whatever. He said this poor kid has to argue with the guy over wearing a mask. He said that's their policy there. He said you're not going to die from it and it's not taking away your freedom. He said it's a courtesy to other people.
Howard played the clip where Ricky was arguing that the news said that you don't have to wear a mask in any Costco. The manager was saying that they have a policy there that says you do have to wear a mask. Ricky said he's getting his refund form Costco and giving up his membership. The manager told him that they have not taken away the mask mandate in California. He said in Costco they are following the law.
Howard said he has a lot of thoughts about this. He said this little fucker is such an entitled fucker. He said the manager is very sweet and articulate and they're trying to get through the day. He said Ricky is saying that ''they'' are trying to ruin the country with this. He said this guy was on Silver Spoons so he must think he knows more than this guy. He wondered what happens to this guys like this guy and Scott Baio. He said that employee was great and didn't take any shit.
Howard said what a fucking douche bag Ricky Schroder is. He said he got shamed over this video. He said the guy was a sweet kid just doing his job. He said he didn't have to get his ass licked by adults doing his job. He said the time it took him to yell he could have been out of the store already. Howard said he would have lost it on Ricky if he was the manager. Howard said he's a fuck. He said just go home and record his Cameos. He said read the birthday messages to his followers. He said that he can go into Costco and get whatever he needs out of there and go home. He said just put the mask on and shop and go home.
Howard said he's sure that guy is up to a lot of shit if you look him up. He said he used to get tips from Grandpa Munster. He said that Eddie Munster was at Walmart giving scientific advice.
Gary said Ricky stopped by the show in the early 2000s and he was Mormon and he had a discussion about his magic underwear. He said it made him very uncomfortable. Howard asked who goes into a Costco and agues with a kid like that. He said he's a bore. He said just walk out quietly and go home. He said you just have to wear the mask for 15 minutes. He said get over it and just put the mask on.
Howard said Pugsly from The Addams Family knows more than this guy. He threw out other kid actors and their characters who could be out there with him. Robin said Kirk Cameron will be right there with him. Howard asked what is going on out there.
Howard said people wrote in about Jason and his weight loss. George said he's curious about what he looks like. Howard read some of the comments they got about Jason and some people are wondering how long it'll take for him to gain that weight back. Howard said he's thinking he'll gain it back. He hopes not but he could.
George said he hopes he doesn't lose too much because there won't be much to grab on to when you wrestle. He said he wrestles with Brad and he does 100 push ups every morning. He said he's doing them now. He did about 6 and had to stop. He said it'll get to 100 later. He asked Brad for a towel because he's dripping sweat.
Howard read more about Jason in the email and people were all thinking that he's going to put the weight back on. Howard said he knows a lot of people who have done that. George said that Jason can smoke his sausage any time. He said he's very low calorie. Robin said Jason is on a journey and he's walking away from the weight right now.
Howard said Jason still has all of that fat clothing that he's still wearing. He read more about Jason's weight loss and people commenting on how he'll gain it back this summer.
Howard asked George if he's going it listen to Michael Che this morning. George said he will and he's hoping that he can join his play Allegiance on Broadway. He said he has a role for him in the play. Robin said that she thought that he was talking about Jason. George said he's talking about Michael Che. Howard said Robin had better start paying attention.
Howard asked George to ring the bell and get Brad in there. George did that and Brad didn't show up. Howard asked if he has any last words for the audience. George said he was using his Toto toilet this morning and he had hemorrhoids but they have long since disappeared. He said Brad is his care taker and he hopes for some care taking later today. He said take him now. Howard let him go after that. Howard said that was Fun George by the way.
Howard said as far as they can tell this goes back to 2017 and there was a guy on YouTube who tested this ''high meats'' thing. He said you question people's sanity when they do this. He said there are plenty of ways to get high other than this. He asked who would do this to themselves. He said that you get sick when you eat bad meat. He said this is a year old meat that this guy is eating. He said he'll play the clip if he can find it. He said he doesn't see it.
Howard found the clip and played it. In the clip the guy said he's got 1 year old high meat and he's going to eat it now. He ate it and said it's not bad but then said it's very strong. He said he was feeling it in his throat like eating chili. Robin said this shows how great it is in America. She said you have time to do this.
Howard said Richard is like that. He said he'll ask how long you can keep chicken out on a counter and eat it. He said he'll ask if it's okay to leave it out for a few days. He said he'll have raw chicken in his refrigerator for a week and ask if its okay to eat. Howard said Richard's dad sent deer jerky in the mail to him and it was leaking in the box and he ate it. He said he shit his pants at work because he ate it. Gary said the jerky got the rest of the staff sick too.
Gary said that Richard will ask the same question over and over again about leaving things out. Howard said his mother was so worried that she wouldn't leave milk out for any length of time. Robin asked who leaves meat out. She said threw it away if you're not going to eat it.
Gary said Richard got all excited about a guy who was drafted in the NFL who eats road kill. Richard said it's not road kill, it was squirrels. He said that his parents would make it with salt and pepper. He said a lot of the stuff he ate growing up was cooked like it was after it died and it had no flavor. Howard said no restaurant is serving squirrel. Howard said a squirrel is a rat with a fluffy tail. He said that's all it is. He said that's how COVID started. He said people are eating weird shit.
Richard said he used to eat a lot of quail growing up. He said it was pretty plain. He said they would eat it and it had bird shot in it so he chipped teeth on the shot.
Howard asked why he doesn't know the rules about how long to leave meat out. Richard said he doesn't know. He said he likes to get a second opinion. Howard said he can retain information. He said the meat is bad and you can tell. He said just get a new piece of chicken. Richard said they never wasted food when he was growing up. He said that he will find things in the refrigerator that's old and he has to ask about it. He said he had some sausage mailed to him by his parents and he got it 3 weeks late. He said that he ate it and ended up shitting his pants. Richard said he doesn't mind shitting his pants once in a while. He said there have been times that he shit his pants and didn't know it until the end of the day. He said he thinks it's just a fart. He said he did that diaper contest that time and had no idea that he had an accident on the microphone. He said he looked in his diaper to weigh it and he was like ''oh shit.''
Howard said they had to disqualify Richard over that shitting in the diaper thing. He said they were having a pee contest and he shit his diaper. Richard said that he learned to go to the bathroom by shitting in the yard. Howard asked how that teaches you to use the toilet. Richard said he would walk around naked and he learned to poop without a diaper.
Howard said that most parents don't do that with a kid. He said they let you shit on the toilet. Richard said he used to run around naked all the time. Howard asked if he's going to let his own kids do that. Richard said no way. Robin said he was upset with deer shitting in his yard. Richard said that's right.
Howard asked Richard if he wiped after shitting out in the yard. Richard said that they may have. He said he was naked in the yard a lot. He said he used to ride their big Labrador naked.
Howard said Richard tapes his father leaving messages. He said that he loves these tapes. He said that his dad is a good guy calling him and asking him how things are going. He said his dad never did that for him. He said he thinks he's envious of his relationship with his parents. He said Richard's dad loves him. He said it just touches him. He said Richard hasn't seen his parents since June of 2019. Howard said he must miss them. Richard said he does. Howard said that everyone should be wearing a mask to keep from getting any illness. He said you don't want to get a cold or anything like that.
Howard said he has some Richard's Dad clips to play. He said his dad called to wish him a happy Easter. He said that he gave an update on Richard's mom too. Richard said he was worried that his dad had COVID with the cough he had. Howard played a clip of Richard's Dad talking about how his mother dropped her teeth and broke them. He kept it short and that was it. Robin was cracking up over that one. She wondered how she broke her teeth. Richard said they take their teeth out at night and during the day they have a grip thing to keep them in. He said that she didn't put enough on and they came out while she was eating. She set them on the table and then the dog knocked them off the table into a metal trash can. He said that it broke but she filed them down. He said they might be a little smaller now.
Howard said this is why he loves life on the farm. He said he would go to the dentist to get them fixed. He said they just file them down. He said he can imagine them not getting teeth and just chewing each other's food. He said that's what happens when you're anti-dentist. Richard said they're not anti-dentist. He said his mom used to smoke but she would chew sugary gum and she lost her teeth from that. Howard said he wants to see his moms teeth after she files them down. Robin said it can throw everything off in there. Howard said she looks like a piranha now.
Howard said she was probably walking around the yard and she tripped over a pile of Richard's shit. Richard said it was like a rock at this point.
Howard said the reason Richard's dad was coughing was because he had some deer jerky and it went down the wrong pipe. Howard said this is another phone call from his dad. He played the clip and Richard's Dad told a story about dead animals on the farm. He said that they were outside the day before and something had died. It was a dead cow and no one can come take the dead cow away because that guy died too. Howard said everyone is dying. He asked why his dad didn't eat the dead cow. Richard said he may have been afraid of disease. He said if it got hit by a truck they may have. He said that if it just dies then they don't eat it.
Richard said the dead animal wagon was the worst smelling thing he ever smelled. Howard said he loves when his dad says that it's his dad calling. He said that you can't confuse him with anyone else.
Howard did his Richard's Dad impression a little bit talking about the cow dying and the neighbor dying and the buzzards are eating them. He went on and on with that impression and came up with all kinds of weird stories about road kill and things like that.
Howard said here's a happy ending. He said the dogs started eating the dead cow and brought some home. He played another clip where Richard's Dad talked about the dogs bringing the bones up in the yard. He said it doesn't stink anymore but the bones are coming up there. Richard said you never know what smell you'll get up at that farm. He said there are dead cows and a pig farm not too far away. He said the smells all in depending on the wind. He said the Westerly wind isn't bad though.
Howard played another clip of Richard's Dad talking about another cow that may not be doing too well. He said it's limping and if that dies they'll have another one to smell for a while. He said it took a long time for the smell of the other one to go away.
Richard said his dad called the guy who owns the cows to get the limping one fixed as soon as possible. He said that he doesn't want another one dying.
Howard said what he loves about the calls is that this dad loves his son so much that he calls with those stories. He said that he can't remember a time when his father would call to tell him what was going on in his world. He said it drives him crazy. He did his impression of his own father calling to let him know what's going on. He said he would have melted if his father shared any smidgen of what was going on in his world. He said that's why he finds this so interesting. He said his kids will call and ask what's going on with him. He said he has no idea if that's a thing because he didn't have that. Richard said Howard never lived that far away. Howard said he lived in Detroit, Hartford and Washington DC. He said he wasn't around all the time. He said his father never picked up the phone. That got Howard doing his impression of his own father again and talking about what was going on in his life. He had him talking about going to the horse track and betting on horses. He had him talking about eating and watching Seinfeld.
Howard said his father never picked up to ask how he was doing. He said he marvels at Richard's Dad. He said he likes it. He said as bad as that information is he's impressed with the calls. He said tell him to call him. Robin said that there are some strange stories there. She laughed thinking about the broken teeth story.
Richard said one thing that his dad does is pee off the porch to keep the coyotes away. He said he started doing that with pee in his yard to keep the deer away and it seems to work. Robin asked why they come and poop in Richard's yard. Richard said he's not sure. He said he has to use a shop vacuum to get it up. He said you can't sweep it up.
Howard did more of his Richard's Dad impression and had him telling these strange stories and said that they never think much of those stories. Richard said his mom got caught in a raccoon trap once. Fred did his Richard's Dad impression and said they ate her foot after that. Howard talked about getting new teeth from the dead cow for his mom's broken teeth.
Howard said it's like the Munsters out there. Robin said it's so crazy. Howard said there are no doctors involved in any of this. He said his mom just filed down her broken false teeth.
Richard asked if this guy is going to go see Primus do the Rush tour. The caller said he's not able to. Howard asked if the guy knows how to drive a dead animal wagon. He said that he has a job for him in Kansas.
Howard asked if anything sounds more awful than Primus doing a concert of a whole Rush album. He said he'd rather drive his dead animal wagon into a wall. Richard said he thinks that would be awesome.
The caller asked Richard if he knows that he named his son Chuck but that's short for Charles. Richard said that he knows that but his friend Chuck went by Chuck and not Charles. He said that he likes the name Chuck too.
Howard had Fun George back on the line and the caller said he loves that impression that Chris Wilding does but he hates all of his other impressions. Howard said alright and let Fun George do his thing for a minute.
The caller, Jesse, asked Howard about Eddie Vedder interview and talking about the band Fugazzi and if he knew who he was talking about. Howard said he did and Jesse reminds him of these assholes who think they know everything. The caller said that they're just sick of him propagating the corporate bands like saying that Nickelback is a great band.
Howard said that Chris Wilding isn't Fun George. Howard said he's going to put both of them on the show at the same time. Howard asked Chris to get on. He said this asshole wants everyone to know that he thinks he knows everything. Howard asked if he and George can sing a song together to show this guy that it's not the same person. Chris and Fun George were singing together so it wasn't Chris doing the Fun George voice. Jesse said they got him there. Chris said that these guys from Canada are so jealous that they want to be on the show. He said they just have to talk about him like that.
Jesse asked why they take calls from Canada like it's just one place. Chris said that's because no one gives a shit about Canada. Howard said he couldn't have said it better himself.
Howard asked Richard about his band mate dying and what band it was. Richard said it was the band Death. Jesse asked if Howard can't remember anything. Howard said he was in a few bands. Howard said they're young guys. He said it's odd that the band Death has so many people dying. Richard said there have been like 30 people in the band. He said Chuck was the founding guy. He said he pretty much created death metal. He said he passed away 20 years ago.
Howard said this guy has the time to listen to music all day and talk about what he knows about it. Howard and Jesse argued about if WRNW was cool or not. Howard said that the station died because they played music that no one wanted to hear. He said this guy has his head up his ass so far he doesn't know.
Howard said he has to go. He said that he can go back to listening to his records. Jesse said he listens to Howard all morning. Howard said don't ask him for his opinion if he doesn't want to hear it. Richard said threw out another bass player that Jesse didn't know. Howard called him out about that.
Howard said that he was going to honor Chris Cornell this morning. He said he died 4 years ago. Jesse had something to say about him too. He said he's a great singer but some other guy is better. Howard said this is what he worked with at WRNW. He said that he just wanted to be an announcer and the other DJs there were worried about what they were playing. He said the maple syrup must be going to his brain up there.
Howard said Jesse is sitting at home thinking about playing these records. He said he has to let him go.
Howard said Chris Cornell was such a great guy. He said that he had to mention that it's the 4th anniversary of his death. He said he was a great voice in rock and roll. He said that he also has to mention Michael Anthony as a great bass player. Richard agreed Howard and mentioned Geezer Butler from Black Sabbath. Howard agreed with him on that guy too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that not everyone up in Canada agrees with that guy. He said that he also has some thoughts on different porn. Howard said all of that stuff doesn't interest him. He said he doesn't like MILF porn. He said they're slightly out of shape usually. He said that he wants Babysitter porn and things like that. Robin said Howard likes that almost incest porn. Howard said no he doesn't.
Howard said he has to get back to Chris Cornell. He said that it's the fourth anniversary of his death and he was the lead singer of Soundgarden and Audioslave. He said he was great. Richard said Temple of the Dog too. Howard said he's right. Howard said they have a tribute to Chris up on the app. He said they have his last appearance from 2011 when he was on the show. He played some of his cover of ''Imagine'' when he was in studio. Howard said he also covered ''Thank You'' and played some of that.
Howard said he refuses to believe that he committed suicide. He said that 5 months later Adam Levine came on the show and performed a cover of Chris' song ''Seasons'' in studio. He said that he did a great job with that. He played some of that. Howard said they miss Chris. He said he just wanted to do that for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the bass player in Metallica, Robert Trujillo, and Howard said he's a great one too. He said that guy is an entertainer. He said you could just watch Robert play the bass the whole time and you'd be entertained. He said he whips his head around like crazy. He said that he is a great physical performer. He said he has to take a break. He said Robert is the kind of guy who can play just about anything. He said he's an accomplished musician who has put in his 10,000 hours. He said he doesn't look that way but he is that guy. Robin said you can't judge a book by its cover. Robin said how about Sting. Howard said he's more of a song writer than a bass player. He said he can't keep naming bass players.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked how Richard ended up on the show. Howard said it's a long story so he'll try to shorten it up. He said Richard sent them material that he wrote before he was on the show. He said he wrote songs about KC Armstrong and he thought the guy was very creative. He said they had a contest to hire someone on the show to replace Stuttering John. He said Richard entered and won the contest. He said he was up against Sal and others. He said Yucko the Clown was in it too. He said Richard beat them all out and joined the show. The callers said you really can't judge a book by its cover. Howard said that's right. He said he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was just listening to JD talking about his best superpower and that he wants to be invincible. He asked what that's about. JD said that he wants to be like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Howard said then he wanted to be invisible. He said he'd rather fly or have heat vision. He said JD just wants to be invincible. Robin said that just means you can get beaten up but survive it. JD said he thought that you couldn't get hurt by that. Robin said Bruce Willis would get hurt. Howard said JD wanted to sneak into high power meetings with that power. He said that's so weird.
Howard said in meetings JD would sit in their meetings and he already has invisibility. He said no one even knew he was there.
Howard said JD should have a better power than that. He said he just wants to be invisible to sneak around and see chicks naked. He said you have to have a better power than that. He said he has to have a power to fight OJ Simpson after he finds out he blocked him on Twitter. He said he needs a power where he doesn't mumble so much.
Howard said JD gets upset that he is seen in meetings. He said that he'll get upset when they go to him in a meeting. JD said he also wants to go back in time to change some things he's said. Howard said he was amazed when he said he wanted to say he didn't like OJ as Nordberg. He said he'd think that he'd want to erase that whole thing about the peanut butter and the girl. JD said that too. He said he'd like to erase the year 2006.
Robin said that you'd think that JD would want to be more confident and things like that. JD said that things can lead to awkward stations. Robin said she thinks he's on the spectrum. Howard said he thinks he has Aspergers or something. He said you know if he got in a high power meeting he'd be looking up women's skirts and stuff like that.
Howard said he was going to see if he can play the Mark the Bagger game but they may not have enough time. He said he wants to give that enough time. He said they'll do that tomorrow.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she loves Michael Che. She said she loves Weekend Update. She said that he has it down to a science. She said that she has to find his show on HBO. She said she loves Richard and Jason losing weight too. She was rambling so Howard bailed on the call. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and sang along with the song that was playing. He said that song seems like it's 1000 years old. He said it's not that old though. Robin said Ariana Grande just got married. She wondered how Pete Davidson is feeling about that. Howard said that brightened his day when he read that. He said he told Pete to marry her. He said that girl is an earner. He said he did the opposite of that.
Howard said Michael Che is on to promote the show ''That Damn Michael Che'' on HBOMax.
Michael said that he's a huge fan of the show and he can't remember not knowing them so this is a treat for him. Howard said he's a big fan of his. He said he's fascinated by the whole Saturday Night Live thing and writing comedy. He said it's a tough job. He said it's not easy to knock out ideas week after week.
Howard said he became a fan of Michael's when he said he hates lesbian porn. He said that he never knew when it was over. He said it was the greatest observation. He said he knew he had it when he heard that.
Howard said now that he has a show on HBO and he's the head writer on Saturday Night Live he has to come up with a lot of material. He said he has to decide between the two shows. He asked if that's a dilemma for him. Michael said it's pretty easy now. He said he's hardly writing anything for Saturday Night Live. He said it becomes harder. He said Saturday Night Live you have to set up everything inside the sketch. He said Dave Chappelle pointed it out to him. He said that he'd set up the material to be mostly punch lines. He said you can't do that on Saturday Night Live that much. He said that's why most of his material is going to the new show. Howard said Chappelle would set it up like stand up and it worked well. Michael said that they have to spin all four minutes setting up the world on Saturday Night Live.
Howard said that Lorne is the Executive Producer of his show and Saturday Night Live so does he ask him to save it for Saturday Night Live. Michael said he doesn't do that. He said that Lorne gets out of the way and lets the writers go. He said he may trust them more than he should. He said they have to be right though. He said that they let them do their thing but he'll make fun of you if you let him down.
Howard said he has talked to guys about sketches they wrote that were never put on Saturday Night Live. He said that the one he heard about Michael was a pitch he had for a sketch where they had the first guy to boo Jackie Robinson. Howard asked how they didn't make that. He said it sounds funny to him. Michael said that sometimes they try t do it and the audience thinks it's a trick or something. He said it's hard with the dress rehearsal. He said sometimes that stuff doesn't make it past them. He said if the audience is mostly white then they may not laugh at that. He said they may have produced that one. He said they had one that was like a dinosaur press conference where they were denying climate change. He said the audience didn't like that.
Howard said there was a sketch that sounded like a slam dunk to him. He said it was the idea of the Avengers killing and unarmed black teenager. Howard said that should have been on the show. Michael said he thinks that didn't make it on for obvious reasons. He said a lot of times something racially specific the audience isn't looking at it like it's a black writer doing it. He said it's a little trickier. He said that they can get away with that on a show like his. He said it's kind of loaded if you put it on Saturday Night Live.
Howard said that reminds him of the Ambiguously Gay Duo and how great that was. He said it hit the right tone and that Avengers sketch sounds so great. He said that it sounds so edgy and cool. Robin said that's not cool. Howard said it would be so fucking funny to have something like that. He said there is a certain parameter that they can't allow. He said that it's not the right place for it. Michael said you can but it's tricky. He said it's not the show but it's the audience. He said they can ice it. He said sometimes the audience is just there to see the music guest that night. He said it makes it kind of tricky.
Howard said Michael loves racial humor. He said he wrote a sketch where slavery has just ended and this young black guy walks into a bar in the deep south and asks for a drink. He said that he hasn't realized that it's not perfect yet. Michael said it was called 12 Days Not a Slave. Howard said that's so great. He said that kind of racial humor is great and they can shine with that because they have black writers and gust stars. He said the diversity has helped a lot. Michael said it really has. He said when he got there it was just Keenan and Jay who were on the show. He said there were no black writers. He said that when you have more black writers and people in the room then you can see the humor in things. He said it helps get a sketch on the show. He said it has to do with race and gender and youth. He said having that in the room makes the show more diverse.
Howard said he wrote that Black Jeopardy sketch where Tom Hanks was on. He said that shows off his writing skills. Michael said he wrote that with Brian Tucker. Howard said Tom Hanks was great in that sketch. He asked what happens when a sketch goes great and then you get a bad host. Michael said Tom is the best. Howard said that he made it so good. He said he was three dimensional. He asked if he will hold a sketch back if they get a host who can't pull it off like maybe Elon Musk. Michael said of course you hold it back. He said they try to protect the host if they're not well known or something like that. He said you want to give them something they can do.
Howard asked if Michael imagined that Tom Hanks was going to do what he did in that sketch or did he give him notes. Michael said he likes to see what it looks like. He said that the person who is going to play it may have a different vision for it. He said Tom Hanks did this thing where he did something with Keenan and he did it on his own. He said if it's Tom Hanks you just let him do it on his own.
Howard asked how it works when you write a sketch and if you're put in charge of that sketch. Michael said you are. He said you have to see it through. He said it was Brian Tucker who came up with the idea for the sketch. He said that sketch just worked out. He said that they'll watch the sketches under the bleachers and they will get notes from Lorne. He said they will be under the bleachers and people always love the Black Jeopardy sketches.
Howard asked if things have gotten easier over there at Saturday Night Live. Michael said he likes doing stand up and he likes to work. He said if he's not doing either of those then he's home.
Howard said he's still in his 30s. Michael said he'll be 38 tomorrow. Howard said happy birthday. He said he has too much to discuss to get into that more. Howard said if he's busy going out to do stand up and working so much then he must not have time for women. Michael said he can't be into anybody if he's working that much. Howard said he assumed it was women. Michael said he likes how Howard specified.
Howard said Michael and Colin Jost write jokes for each other. He said that's such a great one. Michael said he loves that. He said they go back and forth. Howard said it seems like it's effortless for them. Michael said they have a whole staff for writing jokes. He said he loves to go past the line with Colin. Howard said it was one from last week. He read the joke that he loved that he wrote about Rosa Parks. Michael said that particular joke was written by Josh Patten and it was way softer than that. He said he changed it to her being ''uppity'' and turned it way up. He said it was Colin's idea to do the joke swap thing. He said they found out that when they tell jokes they have darker and harder jokes. He said if you did them on your own then the audience would get upset. He said they decided to do it just once for Christmas. He said every joke killed that had bombed before. He said it was Colin's idea to do that and he started reading the jokes that Colin wrote for him and they were kind of mild. He said he just took it the wrong way. He said that he went way too far for his jokes. He said ever since then they've been doing that.
Howard said you'd never get that racy stuff on the air if they didn't do it that way. Michael said it's fun to see Colin squirm when he reads the jokes. He said it's fun to see that.
Howard said Michael's origin story is nuts to him. He said he grew up in New York and there were 7 kids in his family. Michael said he's the youngest. Howard said it's unbelievable to him that you grow up so poor that a meal is just rice. Howard said you think that you're living in Vietnam if you just have rice. Michael said they always had a giant bag of rice in the house under the sink. He said they never didn't have rice and a 14 year old bottle of honey.
Howard said being the youngest must have been tough to get attention from the parents. He said that there must have been so much going on. Michael said he got attention. He said he saw his mother at night time. He said that he was always with a sibling. He said he was like an intern shadowing his siblings. He said he thinks that's what helped him with comedy. He said you have to be observant and quiet. Howard said that must have upset his siblings. Michael said there were smaller rice rations so they were upset with him being there. Howard said that Michael describes the apartment not having a door knob. He said that it was just a bag shoved in the hole. Michael said that you never feel poor because there are more poor people around you. He said it was all relative. Howard said he grew up in a poor neighborhood and they would goof on each other about how poor they were. Michael said everyone is going through something so you can all be picked on. He said it's a weird kind of love that's only shown in those neighborhoods.
Howard asked if he was a funny kid or a sad kid. Michael said he was a smart ass. He said he would ask a lot of questions. He said he was always questioning things and he was a pain in the ass. He said he was pretty quiet though. He said that people would be infuriated that they had to answer to this 7 year old.
Howard said Michael saw a guy shot dead and drop to the ground in front of him. He asked if that stays with you your whole life. He said most kids don't see that. He asked what that does to you. Michael said the wild thing was that he thought he had made that up. He said it was so long ago when he was like 4 or 5. He said he was playing outside and he thought it might have been a dream or something. He said no one talked about it. He said later in life when he was a teen he talked about it as a dream and his brother told him that it had actually happened. He said it eventually just runs out of room in your head. Howard said some people block it out completely. He said that's how the brain protects itself. Michael said his brother was a kid too and it's really strange.
Michael said he can't believe Howard knew that. Howard said that's nothing, he's going to get into the nitty gritty.
Howard asked if there's a resentment with his brothers and sisters now that he's got so much fame. He asked if there's a jealousy there. Michael said he doesn't feel it if it's there. He said his siblings are proud of him. He said his problem is trying to distance himself from them. He said they're almost smothering. He said it's not a jealousy thing. He said he has people in his family who sing and things. He said they're not really performers like what he does.
Howard said the crazy thing about him is that he was into art and he went to an art school. Michael said he's not sure if he was that good. He said he was good enough to get into that school. Howard said he got so good he was selling t-shirts on the street and Tommy Hilfiger's son saw some and Spike Lee gave him his card and told him to call him. Michael said he's not sure how he knew that but that did happen. Howard said he had Spike Lee tell him to call and he didn't call. Howard asked why he didn't call Spike Lee. Michael said he thinks it was self esteem as an artist. He said even then it felt like art never felt natural to him. He said he was close to it but it wasn't until he tried stand up that he found out that was his thing. Howard asked what kind of art he was doing. Michael said it was like pop art kind of stuff. He said he felt like it was hack kind of art. Howard asked how old he was when Hilfiger's son came to him. Michael said maybe 21 or 22. Howard said that's a big deal. He said he walked away from that. He said that's balls. Michael said he guesses so. He said it's crazy now that he's 37 or 38. He said you think that opportunities are going to come. He said you think you have nothing but time. He said you don't realize what a luxury you have being young. He said he had to figure out something that was good and he just passed on a lot of stuff.
Michael said that he knows Spike now and he's not sure if he knows this story. He said he may not even know that happened. Howard said he was curious trying to find his art work. He said he found nothing. He asked if he still paints or draws. Michael said it's been over a decade. He said he knew how to do it but it wasn't good to him. He said there are things that you just take to and that wasn't for him. He said you walk away from it and you're asked why. He said when he did stand up it was just right for him. He said he just knew he loved stand up.
Howard said when he quit Hilfiger he just left and didn't go back. Howard asked if he has run into Tommy since then. Michael said he did a few months ago and they were laughing about it. He said that Tommy was great and he introduced him to everyone there. He said he thought he was crazy.
Howard asked how he got into stand up. Michael said he was getting depressed and he wanted to try things that he always wanted to try. He said he tried an open microphone and he was hooked. Howard asked if he just winged it. Michael said he had some one liners that stunk. Howard asked if he remembers what they were. Michael said it was something about Jehovah's witnesses loving Halloween because people actually open the door. He said it was stuff like that.
Howard asked if Michael has a journal where he writes it all down and he can go back and look at it. Michael said he thinks you go backwards. He said that you come up with a point of view and you work it from there and go backwards by explaining it. He said it's like a trial lawyer. He said you state your case and then explain it. He said that's how he starts jokes. He said you polish that.
Howard asked if he's a guy with a premise in mind and he tries that out and hopes he comes up with some punch line or funny joke. Michael said yeah. He said you don't know what it sounds like to people. He said you have to say it out loud and people are like ''What?'' He said he always starts with that. Howard said he has talked to Jerry Seinfeld about that. He said he has it all written down. He said he doesn't think it's right to work out his material on stage. He said he feels he has to be more prepared. Howard asked if it's fair to the audience to work it out on stage. Michael said in fairness to Jerry people don't pay as much to see him as they do to see Jerry. Howard said it seems risky to do it the way Michael does it. Michael said he thinks that's what people want to see. He said he used to do a weekly show in a bar and it was free. He said he'd go there on Monday nights at 11 and he'd walk people out of the place. He said they come every week though. He said they wanted to see what he was trying. He said there are people who want to see that stuff being worked out.
Howard said he thinks there's something to that. He said Dave Chappelle is like that and he has done that so many times. He said you feel like he's not even looking for a punchline. Michael said it's like he's in the Matrix. He said Dave is on a whole other realm. Howard said he really is. He said it's incredible.
Howard said that Jerry did that movie Comedian and that inspired him to do stand up. Michael said that he also visited his high school after Seinfeld ended. He said that he remembers Jerry coming into the school and everyone was excited that he was there in the school. He said he remembers thinking that's what a comedian is and you can be that big and that cool. He said that put an early bug in him. He said then Comedian showed him the process of how to become a comedian. He said there are steps there and you have to go through them.
Howard said Michael did Letterman. He asked if he did it just once. Michael said it was just once. Howard asked how many years he was doing stand up before he got that shot. Michael said maybe 2 or 3. He said that was very special to him. He said people don't get it when that's your job. He said then they see you on Letterman and they get it. He said you feel like you've arrived when you're on a show like that.
Howard said a family member asked when he was going to get a real job when he was in radio. He said some people drop out because of that. Michael said it's hard to be invested in something where you don't see returns. He said he tries to get skill level and wanted to get a jokes to work. He said then he started getting paid. He said he wasn't even thinking about money in the beginning.
Howard said he thinks that other comics get jealous when you get hot. He said that Michael was working with Tracy Morgan and Tracy had a talk with him to get him better. He asked if he's one of his closest friends now or did it just happen and you move on. Michael said Tracy has been an awesome mentor. He said it was important the way he did it. He said there's no orientation to being a stand up. He said it takes guys like that to help you out. He said he was hosting but he wasn't really ''hosting.'' He said he told him that he was hired to keep the audience hot so he could kill. He said there's art to the whole thing and he didn't realize that. He said that Tracy told him what to do and helped him out with the hosting thing. He said he told him that stuff as an employer. He said that you pick up a lot being a stand up. He said it helps you write and do all of this other stuff.
Howard said he hears a lot about comics who never get better and they sit in the back making fun of you. He asked what it is that helps them succeed and some fail. Michael said he's not sure. He said it all hits at different times. He said some people can be in the middle for 20 years and then they take off. He said then there are some who never take off. Howard said Rodney Dangerfield didn't take off until late in his life. Michael said you never really know why or how. He said you kind of have to love it for something other than what it can give you. He said you have to work at it for what you want out of it and not just money and fame.
Howard said that Michael seems to have a love affair with Colin Jost. Michael said he's very jealous of Scarlet. He said he doesn't like to see him happy. Howard said he does have a chemistry with Colin on the show. He said he seems to love and care about him. Michael said absolutely. Howard said that Colin brought him into Saturday Night Live. Michael said he did. Howard said he asked him to be a guest writer on the show. Michael said he did. Howard asked if he was intimidated by that. He said there were no black writers there. He asked if he was intimidated. Michael said they weren't just white, they had all gone to Harvard and places like that. He said it was very intimidating. Howard said if they tell you to just go write a sketch what do you do. Michael said you have no clue so you have to Google it. He said if you have a funny idea they can make it work for the show. He said you keep it all in mind for later. He said he wasn't sure what to write. He said for the first week he didn't know what he was doing.
Howard said he got a sketch on the air the first week he was there. Michael said it was a romantic comedy called ''She's Got a Dick'' and that was a long time ago. He said it was a movie trailer about falling in love and this guy had a dick. He said that it was funny because it was the first time he got a laugh at the show. He said there were a lot of people there because Justin Timberlake was there and it was his 5th time hosting. He said they had a lot of special guests there that night and he got a laugh. Howard said it's a shame that they can't do that anymore. He said he would go see a movie about that. He said he has to work on that. Michael said we'll see.
Howard said it has to be crazy having Dan Aykroyd there and people like that. Michael said he was going to go home at like 3 in the morning but he ran into Dan in the hall and he was there working to make the sketch funny at 3 in the morning. He said he figured he should stick around. He said you have to take it that seriously to make it work. He said that everything you're doing is to give people their money's worth.
Howard said some people come up with an act and they beat it like a dead horse. He said that Michael kept improving.
Howard said he heard a story about Michael waling up to Steve Martin and asked what he wears on stage and why. He said Steve told him he wears a suit because he wants to look better than the audience. Michael said it was interesting to talk to him about that stuff. He said he was telling him stuff like he had never done it before. He said Steve was just curious about it all. Howard said Steve's book was a great book. He said that it's one of the best books he's ever read. Michael said he didn't read it but Steve kind of brushes it off like it's nothing being a stand up.
Howard said Michael wears a jacket and tie on Saturday Night Live. Michael said he hates that. He said he wants to get out of it and just wear a hoody. He said he sees Trevor Noah wearing one during the Pandemic and he gets upset because he wanted to do that. Howard said he has to pretend to be an anchorman. Michael said that's the Lorne argument.
Howard said when he and Colin hosted the Emmys they were great. He said it was one of the strongest Emmy monologues ever. He said they were solid up there. He said it all worked for him. He said the critics were brutal. He asked if he was shocked at the reaction. Michael said not at all. He said that you can't kill on that show. He said that Ellen told him about hosting award shows and she said the longer the show goes you're performing for more losers. She told him that you have to do all of your good material before they lose.
Howard said they called it the worst Emmy awards ever but he thought they were great hosts. He said that seems to roll right off of Michael. He asked if it upsets Colin. Michael said it may bother Colin more than him. He said he goes into it thinking they're going to hate this. He said a rational person may be really bothered by it.
Howard said he sees that he's in his office there now. He asked if he has his own. Michael said he does. He said it's crazy that he has his own office. Howard asked if he would rather share an office. Michael said he had that for years and it was the best experience at Saturday Night Live. He said he was with Tim Robinson and another guy who have their own sketch show at Netflix. He said people would come in and pitch ideas because they had great energy. He said when they left to do their own shows he took his own office. He said he didn't want to build a new relationship.
Howard said it seems very fun to be in a room with guys. He said he had to audition to be the co-anchor. He asked if that was something he got nervous about. Michael said it wasn't that. He said he was nervous because he felt like he didn't know how to do that job and he was letting people down by doing a job he didn't know how to do. He said that he wanted to be good but he didn't know how to do it. He said he tried to do it like Seth did it for the first year or so. He said that he had to learn how to do it his own way. He said he felt like he as ruining it all and it was like he was auditioning on air. He said Lorne told him to just be himself. He said that he didn't know that he could be himself. He said he just didn't know that.
Howard asked if it fucks with his head after he sees Pete Davidson dating all of these women and Colin is with Scarlet Johansson. He asked if he feels he has to be with someone like that. Michael said not at all. He said they can have it all. Howard said he would think that would be a great thing. Michael said Howard doesn't think that way. He said famous relationships seem miserable to him. He said it's so much harder for two famous people to be together and combine forces of attention and press. He said it's constant scrutiny. He said it's a very hard thing to do. He said that if you're in love he gets it but he thinks about it and how much work it would be. He said it works for some people but it doesn't seem like it would be fun with him.
Howard said he read in the paper that he just got in this dating app. Michael said that was from like 5 years ago. He said that's his point.
Howard said Matthew Perry was on this Raya app and some 19 year old was upset that he was on there and wanted to date her. Howard said it's a crazy world out there. Michael said he's just looking for a boring old lady. Howard asked how he's going to find someone. He said not at work or on the apps. He said everyone is waiting to publish the conversations you have. He said it's a weird thing to find someone. Michael said the sad thing is that you don't know who to date. He said that Colin met Scarlet there at work. He said outside of that is the industry. He said it's not Saturday Night Live or wherever. He said that it's exhausting. He said it's rough and he'd rather meet someone normal.
Howard said that Scarlet said she didn't want him planning Colin's bachelor party. Michael said he thinks she was just saying that for the cameras. He said she's also fun and that's what's great about them. He said they're perfect for each other. He said he loves her for the same reason that he loves Colin.
Howard said next time he sees Lorne he's going to try to find someone to host that Michael can date. Michael said they treat famous women completely different than they do famous men. He said they will take pictures of your baby or whatever and they don't care. He said it's not fair.
Howard said he's so happy to see how focused he is in his career. He said he's there promoting this new show ''That Damn Michael Che'' on HBO. Howard said he was named after Che Guevara. He said that's interesting. Michael said his mother may not even know who he is but his father did.
Howard asked if his parents are still around. Michael said they are. He said his mother saw him in a commercial and called telling him that. Howard said Michael did The Daily Show in the summer for a while and he has had some career. Michael said he has a free summer this year and he's going to go out and do stand up. He said he thinks that he's going to try to put out a special. He said he's dying to do stand up.
Howard asked if you can get rusty not doing it for a while. Michael said just a couple of weeks off can throw him off. He said that he has to do it in a rhythm. he said he did a show for some drug dealers one time. He said you have to take those sometimes. He said he had the worst experience ever doing that but he got $500 cash to do it.
Howard said he heard that Eddie Murphy wanted him to write the Gumby sketch on Weekend Update. He said that had to be heavy. Michael said that was one of many things he had to do. He said that it was Eddie so he can't go back home if that show is bad. He said he had to do it right or his family would be upset with him. He said that was a crazy show. He said they asked him to work on the monologue for him and he wondered how you even do that for Eddie Murphy. He said they did a few sketches. Howard asked how that works. He said that has to be hard. Michael said that you can't write it for him, you can only suggest a monologue. He said he wrote it and he didn't talk about it. He said then Eddie picked what he liked and they changed it through the week. He said it wasn't just his jokes, he said they had to add in Dave and Chris and Tracy and all of those guys. He said the jokes were things that Eddie wanted to do. He said it was like doing the leg work for him.
Michael said that Eddie wanted him to do the Gumby thing and he wanted to have him calling him a black bastard. He said that's all he gave him and he had to fill in the rest.
Howard asked if Eddie reads his stuff there or does he go off on his own. Michael said he read the script at the table and he was laughing. He said for Gumby they tried it and did it on Saturday in rehearsal. He said he changed some things and they were there. He said it was crazy.
Howard asked how he feels hewn he sees Eddie Murphy doing lines that he came up with. Michael said it was baffling to him. He said it was that Saturday and everyone wanted to be there. He said it was just packed. He said everyone was there. He said everyone was asking him questions about what it was like. He said he wanted to take a 10 minute break in his dressing room and Chappelle and Chris Rock were eating sushi in there. He said Chris Rock called his mom to let her know he was there at the Eddie Murphy show. He said that's how crazy it was.
Howard asked if he keeps a journal about all of this stuff. Michael said no but he saves his text messages about it all. He said it's just nuts. He said he doesn't journal it but it's nuts. He said he's not sure how you top that show.
Howard asked Michael's ultimate goal is to get to the level of a Dave Chappelle or an Eddie Murphy. Michael said he's not sure. He said there are guys out there who are known as stand up guys. He said he thinks they're the most special. He said that Eddie has done a million things and he thinks about that. Howard said that guy knows how to take the stage. He said there's something sexy about a human being that can get up there and just make people die from laughter. Michael said he's sure a leather suit doesn't hurt. He said what Eddie has done is wild. He said that you can't think of anything more dynamic than that. He said that Eddie is so great. He said he thinks he's underrated.
Howard asked Michael if he went back and watched the previous Weekend Update guys to see how it was done. Michael said it has changed so much that he didn't. He said all he knew was Seth Meyers and he was so good at it that you wanted to deliver jokes like he did. He said it's hard to be a sports announcer and not think about Howard Cossell. He said it took him a while to un-Seth himself and do it his own way. He said when you replace someone it's hard to get past that.
Howard asked if they write most of their jokes. Michael said that they actually don't write most of the jokes in Weekend Update. He said they have writers for that.
Howard said Michael has said that Norm MacDonald was the best Weekend Update guy. He said he agrees with him on that. He said he gets pissed that he was fired from that. Michael said he thinks he's the gold standard of that position.
Howard said Michael has a new show that you need to watch on HBOMax. He said that you can hear him on SiriusXM too on channel 93. Robin said he's great at audience relations. Michael said this is a crazy treat hearing this. He said he will go skipping after this. Robin said she loves his show too. She said that you feel like you're in his head.
Howard said that Michael wanted to call his show ''That Black Ass Michael Che'' and they turned that down. Michael said he thinks everyone turned that down.
Howard said the season finale of Saturday Night Live is this week. He said he heard he has to get out of there by 10:30 to get back to work. Michael said he has zero clue about what today's meeting is about. He said he may have to do more radio. Howard said the season finale is this Saturday. He asked if he has anything written. Michael said they write today and he has a couple of ideas. He said they probably won't make it. He said they don't have pitch meetings anymore so they write the sketches and they read them tomorrow. Howard said he can work on that stuff with him. He said he has to come by at some point. He figured Howard was in L.A. but Howard let him know that he's in New York. Howard said his favorite sketch was with Bill Hader and the puppet. Michael said he loves that one too.
Howard asked if he has to do something different for Anya Taylor Joy and the season finale. He said that's who he should be with. Michael said he's looking for no one famous. Howard said just pretend that you don't know who they are like Yoko did. Robin said she tried to do that with Richard Pryor and it didn't work.
Howard said check out this show of Michael's called That Damn Michael Che. He said he can prove himself there. He said that's on HBOMax. Howard said it was a pleasure to get to meet him. Michael said he's geeking out over this. He said it's great to meet them too. He said this was awesome. Howard said if you're cooking for a girl that doesn't know you then get off Raya and go to the library. Michael said that was a long time ago he was on that app. He said he meets girls in hospitals and places like that. He said he's just cruising.
Howard said Donald Trump once told him that the hottest women aren't in show business and work in restaurants and places like that.
Howard wrapped up with Michael and said that he tried to do Saturday Night Live at one point but it turned into a disaster. He told Michael how he wanted to write his own sketches and have his guys do that. He said he was very arrogant and he's a fucking moron. He said he's embarrassed by that whole thing. He said he was an arrogant prick and he should have been more respectful. Robin said they should have him on Black Jeopardy. Howard said he would win at that. He said he grew up in a black community.
Howard asked when Michael is going to learn to drive a car. Michael said he has a new bicycle and he doesn't need a car. Howard asked how Colin's wedding was. Michael said it was so nice. He said he wanted to ruin it but it was so nice. He said they're good kids. He said they're dope. He said that they're as normal as could be.
Howard said he heard another story about Michael and his brother. He said he and his brother get together and they do what. Michael said they reach for the potatoes and they put their hands up before reaching for them. Michael said cops see so much pain and they need that kind of stuff to cope. Howard said he's right. He said he knows some cops who are the funniest fucking guys. Michael said they see a lot and they need to have a sense of humor. Howard said he's so right. He let Michael go after that. He said he's making him late. Michael said this was so much fun so thank you. Howard said they can talk again in the future.
Howard went silent after Michael went off the air. The signal came back in the middle of Robin telling a story about Michael's show ''That Damn Michael Che.''
Howard said he thinks that he does an animated thing based on one of his great sketches on his HBO show.
Howard said that they should end the show. He said he never got to a lot of stuff. He said he'll get to it tomorrow. Robin said she's looking forward to the Mark the Bagger game.
Jason told Howard about the Avengers bit that they talked about and how that ended up on Michael Che's first episode on the HBO show. Robin said she didn't see that. She said that she doesn't remember that. Jason said it was on and it was very well done. Howard said there you go Robin. He told her to go watch that show again. Howard said he has to see what Robin is up to over there. Robin said she's very busy. Howard said Robin should date Michael. Robin said she's too famous for him. She said she understands that whole thing. She said that she thought about where Scarlet was in the house when they had Colin on the show. Robin said she loves Michael on Saturday Night Live and his stand up too. Robin said she's not sure that stand ups are the most sane people in the world. Howard said he gets what she's saying now. He wrapped up and ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard started the show talking about how they've been playing this song (The Great American Nightmare) for 30 years and he still doesn't know the lyrics. He said it's him singing some of it and he doesn't know them.
Howard said he's going to go in and re-record the song for the 5th anniversary of the song. He said that he was reading Bob Lefsetz's column about how it's the 50th anniversary of the Crosby Stills Nash and Young album ''Deja Vu'' and they went in and remastered it. He said he got all emotional listening to the album. He said they have a section of demos for the album and the demo they did for Right Between the Eyes was something else. He said they have the band working out some of the songs and it's just so great to hear. He said he was just listening to those real quick. He's going to spend more time with it over the weekend. He said he loves when they release those demos. He said on the album they even had some alternate takes. He said they have this new box set for the album and it's great. He said it was supposed to come out last year but they delayed it because of the pandemic.
Howard said he loved his grandpa Sal and his mother said that he always said he looks a man right between the eyes. He said when he saw that this song called ''Right Between the Eyes'' was on this album he thought about Sal. He said that he thought about his grandpa and he's so glad he did this. He said he doesn't take risks for the most part. He said he was in college and he went to visit a friend in Hollywood, Florida. He said he went down there and he usually doesn't do stuff like that. He said he felt very weird going down there. He said he wanted to see his grandfather. He said he was in Miami. He said he had to take a bus there to see him. He said even the guy he went to visit didn't want to spend time with him.
Howard said he went to Miami to visit his grandpa who lived on Collins Avenue. He said he had a shithole apartment there. He said he went for a walk with him and his grandfather saw that he wasn't feeling right. He said he asked him ''Howitol, you seem so sad.'' He said that's what he called him. Howard said his grandfather was upset that he had to live with all of these old people. He said he wanted a mixture of young and old. He said they walked to the beach and played cards. He said his grandpa showed him off to his friends. He said his parents never even did that. He said they didn't even carry pictures of their kids in their wallets.
Howard said when he heard the song ''Right Between the Eyes'' he thought about this grandfather. He said this demo of the song is really something else. He played that for Robin. He said he wants Fred to hold him hearing this song. He said it's so sweet. He asked if his microphone was on when he said that. Robin said she can hear him.
Howard said he got all sad last night listening to this. He said he was thinking about that last walk with his grandfather. He said he died a couple of months after that visit. He said he was just old. He said something got him and clobbered him. He said he was a cool guy to him. He said his mother said he wasn't a good guy. He said his mother would tell him how bad he was. He said that she had to go off to an orphanage after his mother died. He said she thought that he might have killed her. He said she said that she may have been pregnant. He said that they didn't do an autopsy on her so they don't really know why she died.
Howard said he tracked down the death certificate but it said she died of heart failure. He said there was no reason to think it was anything else. He said he never knew him to be a wife beater or anything like that either so he's not sure what went on there. He said his mother told him how horrible he was but then she'd expose him to him. He said she wanted him to have a relationship with him and never bad mouthed him to him. He said then she told him that he may have killed his wife.
Howard said finding his grandmother's death certificate should have been big news to his mother but she just saw it and said ''Oh that's nice.'' He said he was trying to make her happy but it's impossible.
Howard said his parents never celebrate their wedding anniversary other than going to Nathan's every year. He said they would go there and get some hot dogs. He said they would go to the one in Oceanside an that one doesn't even exist anymore. He said his mother and father would talk about what they got there when they went for their anniversary. He said his mother would have to interpret for his father. He said he would have 3 hot dogs and it was a big deal for her that he had a big appetite.
Howard said now his mother talks about how thin his father is. He said he doesn't eat as much as he used to. He said he hears this stuff blow by blow. He said no one ever cared what he ate. He said they didn't ask. Robin said their whole conversation is about this. Howard said it was. He said they would go over the whole menu with him. He said they'd tell him exactly what they ate.
Howard said he had to ask his mother what she had to eat. He said she had chicken fingers. He said that his father awls knew what he wanted to get so he was ready to order. He said he'd get the same thing year after year. He said last year he decided to surprise them and go out of his way to get Nathan's for them to their home. He said COVID was going on and they couldn't go out. He said he jumped through a lot of hoops to get it to them hot. He said he was waiting for that phone call to get praise for that. He said he's still trying to please those two. He said he's not sure why.
Howard said he was looking for praise that doesn't even exist. He said the relationship he's looking for doesn't exist. He said this year he was thinking about how he didn't want to do the Nathan's thing again. He said they'd find something wrong with it if he did. He said he's not sure they even want that. Robin asked if it was just too much last year. Howard said he sent over a bunch of stuff so they had things to choose from. He said they enjoyed it last year. He said he didn't get the fucking reaction he was hoping for. Robin asked what he's looking for. Howard said that's the black hole that lives inside of him. He said you can't fill that hole.
Howard said this year he said he wasn't getting his parents Nathan's. He said he got a call from the vice president of Nathan's this year. He said he called his office and his assistant Laura took the call or email or whatever. He said this guy Phil McCann is the guy. Robin asked if that's a goof name. Howard said it does sound like it. He said he wants to fill Robin's can. He said the President is Phil McCrotch. Robin asked if Richard and Sal did this. Howard said last year he got a call from Slurp MaWeiner.
Howard said this Vice President knew it was his parent's anniversary and he contacted him about it. He said that he calls and he's wondering if he should do something. He said he didn't want to get started. He said they wanted to keep the tradition going at Nathan's so he was thinking about it. He said he didn't want a freebie from them. He said he told Beth he's not going to get started. He said Beth told him that they do love Nathan's so much though. He said that he didn't get why Beth was pushing for this.
Howard said he ended up doing the Nathan's thing for their anniversary. He said it was on Monday. He said he asked what number it is. He said she didn't even know. He said he asked and she didn't know. He said she thinks it might be 73 years. He wondered if she was going to get it that night. He said he thinks his father may have made love to the wall that night.
Howard said the Nathan's people were really nice to do this. He said he had to do it after that. He said he did get the call from his mother about it. He said she thanked him. He said something had to go wrong. He said that he got them all of the stuff they like. He said something had to go wrong. He said his mother thanked him and he's thinking it all went well. He said he was about to hang up and then she says listen to this. She asked which one they went to. Howard said he had to fill her in on how he got contacted by them and he's not sure which one it came from. He said it was Nathan's corporate. He said she tells him that when they sent the food it came with a big statue of the Coney Island Nathan's. He said she asked what she's going to do with that. He said he was thinking how nice that is and she's complaining about it. He said his parents obsess over everything. He said just throw it in the garbage if you don't want it. He said she just can't do it.
Howard said his mother was complaining that she didn't know what to do with it. He said he told her to throw it out and she said she gave it to her friends. He said that's good. Robin said she's understanding how Howard became this way.
Howard said he wants to thank everyone who helped out with this. He made up a few fake names. Howard said thanks to them over at Nathan's.
Howard said his parents don't save anything. He said they throw it all right out. He said his father likes an orderly house. He did his impression of his mother and father talking about throwing stuff out.
Howard said there is no odor whatsoever. He said he has become very efficient. Robin asked how you stop the smell. Howard said by eating perfectly. He said animals can't get whatever they want so the have to eat something that makes it smell. Robin said cats eat the perfect diet and it still stinks. Howard said you can go in and smell the bathroom after he's done and find out. Robin said she is not going to do that.
Howard said it took him a while to get there but he's able to have the perfect movement now.
Howard said he was in a movie called Midnight Run. He said that was great too. He said the guy was fantastic. He said the funny thing is that he hated his guts. He said Grodin was obsessed with him. He said he felt he was funny and he'd go on talk shows and he was a good guest. He said someone gave him his own TV show where he was the host. He said just because you're good as a guest doesn't make you great as a host. He said he had a show on CNN or CNBC or something. He said he'd just sit there and talk and it was bad. He said it was bad television. Robin said he was good when he was interacting with someone. Howard said he needed someone to interact with. He said that's what he would have told him. He said he tried to take over that 60 Minutes thing from Andy Rooney and that didn't work either.
Howard said on his talk show Grodin would spend a lot of time talking about what an awful person he was. He said that he had this long article written about him by Chaunce Hayden. He said Grodin was comparing him to Hitler and things like that. Gary read some quotes from this interview that Grodin did and he really hated him. Gary said they sent Grillo out to interview him and Grodin said he thinks what they do is against the law.
Howard said he has some tapes of Grodin talking about him on his show. He said he has to tell you that he took such glee in it that someone that talented was talking about him. He said Grodin even said that Jack Parr hates Howard Stern. He said he loved that.
Howard asked what it was he said about Jack Parr. Gary found the quote and he said that Jack said that Howard is like the geek in the circus who bites the head off a chicken.
Howard said he was the old man at that point and he was the young guy coming up. Robin said James Garner hated him too. Howard said that's right. He said he was ignored growing up but now people are paying attention to him. He said they were big stars paying attention to him too. Howard said when he'd reference these old people he was thinking about how funny it was.
Howard said this is Grodin talking about him being fined by the FCC and how he should be fined more. He played the clip and Grodin was going on and on about how awful he is.
Howard said he always tried to watch his talk show. He said it was so horrible that he wasn't able to watch it. He said it was kind of fun when he attacked him. He said he's not sure if anyone else cared. He said there were whole shows devoted to knocking him.
Howard said what really drove Grodin nuts was when his movie ''Private Parts'' came out it got great reviews. He said he doesn't think there were any bad reviews. He said he knew it was good when he made it. He said he has to thank Betty Thomas, Ivan Reitman and Len Blum. He said they were all great. He said the reviewers wanted to hate it but they couldn't. He said the reviews were off the chart. He said he remembers reading them and thinking this can't be happening. He said even Fred got great reviews. He said even his dad said it wasn't horrible.
Howard said that drove Charles Grodin nuts. He said he went on a tirade ripping the media for flocking to Howard Stern. He played a clip of Grodin talking about that. He went off on the media for going to him and giving him positive reviews.
Howard said he was just winding up in that clip. He said every reviewer loved that film. He said it was shocking to people that he was capable of acting and doing that film. He said Grodin didn't want him in that club.
Howard said it was magnificent the way the guy went after him. He said it gave them a ton of material for the show. He said rest in peace to his family. He said Grodin wasn't a fan of him but he was a fan of his. Robin said he was 86. Howard said he was. He had some information about him and didn't even know that he had said he was 86. Gary confirmed that he was 86.
Howard said he gets why he hated him. He said he was jealous of his fans. He said that he knows that talking about him was just making his show even bigger. He said he'd have to tune in if he heard someone talking about a show like he did. He said he was attacked by the best in the business. He said he'd sit around all night thinking about the free advertising he was getting from all of the talk about him. He said it was very helpful.
Robin said she used to worry that there was so much about them that it was raining down. Robin said that he thought it was great. Howard said he can't stand a negative review of someone on the radio. He said that means they're getting people to tune in. He said he wants people talking about how he sucks or he's great. He said he just wants attention. He said he only got negative from his parents. He said he'll take whatever he can get.
Howard went through some of the Private Parts reviews that were positive. He said the fact that Charles Grodin hated him was great. He said he craves that kind of emotion. He said he thought of him as a father substitution.
Howard said he has to read some fan feedback. He had some about Michael Che's interview yesterday. He read through some of that.
Howard had some feedback about Richard and his dad. Robin said she's not sure what Howard would do if he got attention like Richard did. Howard said the only part of the story he doesn't get is why Richard drinks so much if he got so much love. He read more feedback about Richard and his dad.
Howard said that one fan asked how often Richard's dad calls him. He said he figured it was once a week or so. Howard asked Richard how often it is. Richard said it's a couple of times a week. He said a lot of them are interesting and some are just him saying that they had hamburgers for dinner.
Howard asked Richard why he drinks so much if he got so much love. Richard said he loves the taste of beer. Howard said that's the wrong answer. He said keep thinking. Richard said there's nothing deep there. Howard said he brings Champagne on the train with him. Richard said that was long before he had kids. He said he's responsible now. Howard said this guy is carrying on like he doesn't have a problem. He said he had to be taken off an airplane in a wheelchair once because he was so drunk. Richard said that was when they were going to Bubba's wedding. He said that whole weekend was crazy. Howard said he'd love to do that again. He said Hulk Hogan was his best man and it was so great to find out what they found out after the wedding. They had no idea what was going on. He said it was so Bubba.
Richard said they were at a strip club and someone threw a bunch of bills in the air and all of the strippers were scrambling to get the money. Howard said that's what the Miss America pageant should be like.
Gary said that he once got a call from Richard to thank him for something and he called back a few minutes later not remembering that he had just called. He said that was after taking him out to dinner one night. Richard said that was a great dinner too.
Richard said he and his father bond over the Royals these days. He said that's what most of the calls are about. Howard said it's like his father likes him and wants him to remember him. Robin said that he keeps wondering why his father couldn't do that for him but he was just doing what he wanted to do. Howard did his impression of his father calling to talk about what he had for breakfast. He said that's sweet to him. Robin said his dad didn't have that capacity. She said he just didn't have that in him.
Richard said he can have his dad call him if he wants. Howard said that would be meaningless though. He's not his father. Richard said it makes him sad to hear that he didn't get that.
Howard's (fake) dad showed up to talk to him. There was a knock at the door and Howard let him in. Fake dad said a few things and Howard wrapped that bit up quick.
Howard said Jason got some positive feedback after he revealed he lost 53 pounds. He read through some of the feedback they got about Jason's weight loss.
Howard said that he mentioned on Monday that a guy died that he knew. He said this guy was a DJ for 40 some years. He said this guy was at WDHA and he had hired him at WRNW when he was a Program Director there. He said that was Curtis Kay. He said that his sister wrote to him and gave him some kind feedback. The sister wrote that her brother just wanted to work even when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She thanked Howard for keeping him in his thoughts.
Howard said the guy was very good on the air. He said he's not surprised he lasted 40 years. He said that Robin even said that being on the air was a life saver for her when she was going through her cancer thing.
Howard did a live commercial read and mentioned that he saw an add for them on The Family Feud. He said he and Beth watch The Feud every night now and brush their cats. He said he thinks that they want to be on the show. He said he thinks that the answers you're supposed to match with are ridiculous. He said even Steve Harvey can't believe the polls. He said he listened to the Graham Nash stuff too. He said they brought back Superman and Lois so he wanted to see that. He said the really fucked that up. He said Superman has so many fucking problems. He said he can't watch these shows. He said the universe they created has too many people with powers. He said the fun of having powers is just being one person who has powers. He said that Superman is a god on earth. He said he shouldn't have any problems. He said that's why he loved Superman as a kid.
Howard did his impression of his parents and had his father revealing that he's Superman.
Howard said Lois Lane is annoying in the show and everyone has super powers. He said he had to bail on the show. He said he tried to watch Kung Fu too and they fucked that up too. He said Superman is better. He said it's so bad. He said they have a woman with Kung Fu powers. He said she's annoying and the family is annoying. He said she doesn't use her powers. He said it's so annoying.
Howard said he is watching The Equalizer with Queen Latifah. He said it's hard to believe she's The Equalizer being out of shape. He said he likes her but it's hard to believe. He said it's like having Jon Hein as Thor. He said you wouldn't buy it. He said he watches the show though. Robin said she had to stop watching Clarice. Howard said he did too. He said the only one solving crimes is her and they want to get rid of her. He said these shows are wacky.
Howard said the original Kung Fu was so great. He said the show was great but this new show is horrible. He said this girl works in her parent's restaurant. He said thank god Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is starting tonight. He mentioned some things that are going to happen on the show. Robin said she doesn't watch that stuff. She said she can't stand that. Howard said he loves that so much.
JD watches the show too and told Howard what he thinks is going to happen. Howard said someone said the feds might be watching the show to hear what they'll be saying. He said he loves that show. JD said he does too. Howard said it's such a great show. He said he loves it because he has never seen more obnoxious people. He said they are wealthy women who love showing off their wealth. He said he was taught that you should be humble but they show it all. He said they never think about other people out there watching them who don't have anything. He said whenever they are eating he wants to crash through the screen. He said they're eating this stuff probably comped. He said they're all older and they dress up like they're kids.
Howard said a lot of these women carry on with this wealth that they didn't earn. He said they have no shame and no governor on them. He said this Erica Jane had this glam team that they were paying crazy money for. JD said they did a trip to Italy and they all brought their glam teams with them. Howard said he bets a few of them look like him without their glam team. Robin said there are other shows on that channel that are really over the top.
Robin asked if they made reservations there. JD said they just walked in and sat at the bar. He said someone recognized him and got him in at a table. Howard said he also smoked weed and had edibles at the table that night too. JD said he did. Howard said he has really embraced the whole weed thing. JD said he likes edibles because he doesn't like the smoke. Howard said he doesn't like smoking because he can't light a lighter.
Howard said he heard they set up a special table for JD there like Henry Hill. JD said it wasn't like that at all. He said by the end of the night his friend had to deal with things because he wasn't sure what was going on. Howard asked if you can imagine JD on weed. He said he's barely understandable when he's not high. Howard said JD is now hiring a glam team.
Howard said he heard that JD and his friend split 3 bottles of wine at dinner. JD said he did. Robin said JD is going to die accidentally. Howard asked why he's getting high so much. JD said he was out with a friend and he likes to party. Howard said he knows who the friend is. He asked what's going on with JD. JD said that's just what happened. He said that he was able to walk out. Howard said he had gummies and he had that Pappy whatever. He said he had 3 bottles of wine between the two guys and two shots of Bourbon. He asked what he's doing. JD said it was just one night. Howard said he wants to know what's wrong with JD that he has to get so high. JD said it was just one night. He said he doesn't drink that much usually. He said sometimes you like to live a little bit. Howard said that doesn't sound like living. Robin said you can poison yourself with too much alcohol. She said he was already high and he drank a bottle and a half of wine and had shots and what else. She said that's crazy. JD said it doesn't happen often. Robin said it only has to happen once. Howard said Amy Winehouse drank less than him. JD mentioned that he may not like himself. Robin asked why that is. Howard asked if you have heard him talk. He said that's enough.
Howard wrapped up with JD and did his live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and said he loves this song. He said he liked Remy Martin when she came in the studio. He let the song play for a bit. Gary told Howard that she went to jail and got out after 6 years. Howard said he tried to make her Remy Stern but that didn't work out.
Howard said he was watching the Cheap Trick songs they did for the app. Howard played some of the cover of John Lennon's ''Gimme Some Truth.''
Howard said it's time for some phony phone call fun. He said they have a new phony phone call character. He said they're not stopping from making calls. He said they look at their characters like the Marvel universe. He said they have Fred and Ethel, Rocky Pendergast and Flirty Gary. He said now they have Buddy and Mildred. He said that they haven't made a big impression on Robin yet. Robin didn't know who they were. Howard played a call they had made in the past. They had Mildred calling a show about a gerbil her grandson had left there and they put the gerbil up Buddy's ass.
Howard said Buddy and Mildred called the same show and the premise of the call is so ridiculous but the host stuck with it. Howard played the call where Buddy and Mildred called this show and told the host that Mildred had used too much denture adhesive and her mouth was stuck to Buddy's asshole. The host was going to let them go but they kept going with their story. They said that they had a friend there who used Polygrip on her dentures too and now she's stuck to her ass. It was like a human centipede kind of situation going on there. They eventually all started shitting and puking from all of that. The host said that was disgusting and not funny. He said if you're in a situation like that you don't expect the centipede thing. He said he should have put a label on the show for mature audiences. He said this may not be for children.
Howard said the FCC should be contacted over that. Robin said those people have nothing to do. She said they had no other callers or any content so they had to stay with Mildred and Buddy. Howard said sometimes that's all you have so what are you going to do?
Howard said the other day he was trying to copy a drawing of an artist. He said hew as sitting there and trying to learn to do this. He said he's trying to do a 3 dimensional home. He said then you see these fuckers pouring paint on a canvas and you want to say ''shame on you.'' He said a house painter is more talented than these people.
Howard said Sacha Baron Cohen did such a great thing on one of his specials. He said he told the art dealer that he paints with his feces and then wants to paint with the woman's pubic hair. He said it's all a joke.
Howard said if someone knocks a can of paint off the shelf at Lowes, do we call them an artist or call it an accident?
Howard said they used to ask women simple questions on the show. He said now they ask really complicated questions. He said they're so anxious to prove that they're smart. He said they allow them to wear a bikini but they're covering them up now.
Howard said this is from back in the day when they asked simple questions. He said this is Bob Barker asking the questions at the pageant. They had questions about what the women wanted people to think about them. They asked very simple questions.
Howard said that's back when he wanted to host the pageant. He made up some questions himself like ''How was your day'' and things like that.
JD said he thinks he saw one where the guy asked what makes the girl blush. Howard made up a few more simple questions for the contestants. He asked what their favorite pizza toppings were and why. He had others like that.
Howard said now they ask how they'd handle the COVID-19 crisis. Howard said this woman was Miss Mexico and she ended up winning the pageant. Howard make a jerking off sound as he was thinking about her. He said she was hot. He said it takes him a little longer to finish now that he's gotten older.
Howard said Miss Mexico was asked how she would handle the COVID-19 crisis if she was the leader of her country. He played the clip and the woman said there's no good way to handle this situation but she would have created the lock down before it was that big. She said we lost so many lives and she would have taken care of her people from the beginning.
Howard said they don't know what they want to do with this pageant. Robin said they want to not be pervs but they are pervs. Howard said he wants to see naked women with easy questions. He said that's fun and you feel smarter than them. Robin said she's not sure why they have a test at the end of getting naked. She said she's not sure why they have to do that. Howard said it's a way to get them out there and keep them there while they're half naked. Howard said that's the kind of stuff he'd ask at a strip club. He said the strippers would end up telling you about having kids at home.
Howard played another clip of Miss India being asked about locking down countries or leaving them open during the pandemic. The contestant said that she thinks that nothing is more important than the health of your loved ones and you have to work with the people hand in hand that can work with the economy. Howard said she didn't answer the question. Robin said of course not. She said she might as well have stood there and repeated ''bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...''
Howard said that woman was beautiful too. JD said she was. Howard said he couldn't ask her with a straight face about that. He said he'd be staring at her tits. Howard asked what channel this was on. JD said it was on the FYI channel. Howard said he thinks their ratings were 2 with him and JD watching.
Howard said they had a hot button topic segment with the women and they have to talk for 30 seconds. He played a clip of a contestant being asked about protests and the right to speak out. The contestant was talking about that. She kept it going for 30 seconds. Howard said that sounds like something out of Spider-Man.
Howard said no wonder that pageant is on the FYI channel. JD said they also do packages about being bullied online and things like that. He said it's all the awful stuff going on in the world.
Robin said we are such a mess that we should just end. Howard said it probably won't be too long before that happens.
Howard said JD said the pageant was a bummer. He said you know JD is pervy. He said the women all had their backs covered up with bikinis on. JD said they used to have almost a thong so you saw some ass there. Howard said Trump was having none of it. He said he was saying that you would see ass cheek on his version of the show. He said he would go back and inspect the girls there. Robin said that he would walk through and they were in different states of dress. She said she asked him if it was illegal and he just went on.
Howard made up more simple questions for the contestants. He asked ''Who let the dogs out?'' and things like that.
Howard said this is going to run for 2 weeks starting next week. Howard said he'll say that the clue is A so that is Ass Napkin Ed. Howard said he'll show how it works. He acted as the host and spun a wheel with the letters on it. He ended up on Z but he changed it to M a short time later. He played a clip that they'd run and it was Ronnie talking about his Mambo cologne. Robin got it right when she guessed it was Mambo.
Howard asked Fred if he would like to play. Fred said very much so. Howard spun the wheel and it ended up on S. He played the clip and they had Sal talking about the messages he gets from the universe. Howard asked Fred what that one is. Fred said that one is Sal. One is Stupid and the other is squirrel. Howard said Squirrel is the correct answer. Howard said the judges would have accepted Stupid as well.
Howard spun the wheel for Gary and he got the letter E. Howard played a clip where Fred was talking about how he hated his name Fred. Gary guessed it was E for Eric. Howard said that's when Fred revealed that he had changed his name to Eric. Howard asked if anyone calls him Eric. Fred said at times they do. Howard said Fred is a much better name. Gary asked which lasted longer, Eric or Ophelia. Robin laughed. Howard said that Robin came in and said she wanted to be called Ophelia. He said that's her middle name. Robin said she said she was going by 3 names so she was supposed to be called Robin Ophelia. Howard said that didn't last.
Howard said this wonderful special you'll hear will bring back memories. He spun the wheel again and ended up on the letter O. Howard played a clip where he was talking about Gary on a flight with him and how he woke up with dry mouth. Robin said that was orange juice. Howard said thought he had screwed up. Howard said never mind the rest of them. He had another one which was Ayahuasca.
Howard said you get the idea. He said that was a lot of fun for him. He said he loves to be a game show host. He said it was great to have Fred as a part of it too.
Howard asked how she makes money. Tan Mom said she does a lot of different jobs. She said she works from home. Howard asked what she does. She said she doesn't want to get into her personal life on the phone like that. Howard said he doesn't need to know all the details. Tan Mom said she's got a tan lotion coming out called Patricia's Secret. She said that it's a potion that doesn't stain your hands or anything. Howard said she's coming out with a potion that does what. She said the difference with her's is that it doesn't stain your hands. She said that you don't look orange or anything.
Howard asked what you do with the lotion. She said you rub it on your private parts. Howard asked if a company really came up with the money for her to have a suntan lotion. She said yes. She said it goes on your body. She said she was just joking about the private parts.
Howard asked why her's is different. She said it's because it's her. She said her logo will be Patricia's Secret. Howard said that's a future business though. He asked what she does now. Tan Mom said she doesn't work. Howard said that's what he was getting at. He said America is fantastic.
Howard asked what her day is like. He asked her to go through it all. Tan Mom said she has breakfast and gets the kids up. She said she goes to the beach and goes out to eat and things like that. She said she does whatever.
Howard said they have a theory there that she has a parent who pays her bills for her. Tan Mom said her parents have always given her money but everything she got she got herself. She said her parents gave her some money to support her in the beginning. She sold two houses to move down to Florida.
Howard said she should write a book. He said that he wants to know how she did all of this. Tan Mom asked if they're ever going to go back to the studio. Howard said at some point maybe. He said the building is shut down now so they don't know what will happen. He said they may do some kind if hybrid kind of thing. He said they're really not sure.
Howard said the CDC says that you can go mask less but the NY Times went to epidemiologists and they all say that we still have to wear masks. He said then you read in Brazil that kids are dying down there because of the variants. He said they say that we don't have enough people here vaccinated to get rid of this. He said people are so dense when it comes to this stuff.
Howard said he read that Eric Clapton is one of these nut jobs with the vaccine. He said he claims that he had a problem with the vaccine and he thinks it's all propaganda. He said he loves Eric but what happened to him?
Howard asked Tan Mom if they're done. She said she was just calling to say hi. She said she'll call in if something better pops up. Howard said call in any time. He let her go after that. He said every song she does is goofier than the last.
Howard read about how close to 900 people died from COVID yesterday in the United States. He said over 28,000 people tested positive for COVID-19. He said he has more stuff to get to and they can get to that after a break. He said they have some clearing out the computer stuff. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said now this was a band. He said he loves these guys. He said he met the lead singer Peter Wolf. He said he was doing a show up at WBCN up in Boston. He said he had the gift of gab. He said they were big up in Boston. He said they were great live. He said he's not sure where he met him. Gary said he was on the show. Howard said he's a good guy. He said he seemed like a good guy to him.
Howard said last night he was up for like 2 hours. He said he fell asleep after watching TV. He said he got up to pish and he ended up staying up. He said they were saying in Missouri they were going to have Rush Limbaugh day and that bothered him. He said they voted it down thank goodness. He said a lot of people in Missouri couldn't have been into Rush Limbaugh.
Howard said was also obsessing about this comedian who he thought was really funny. He said it was London Lee. He said when he was a kid he thought he was really funny and he wonders if it holds up. He said he remembers London Lee doing a bit where he said he never paid for a stamp and what you do is put their name in the return address area and don't put a stamp on it. He said they'd send it to the person with the return address. He said he thought that was genius. He wondered what happened to that guy. Robin said he had a run and then disappeared.
Howard said he was also thinking about how Casey Kasem died. He said he was thinking about how he was one of radio's biggest stars. He said people liked the guy. He said for him to die and have his family fighting over his body was crazy. He said that his body was kept above ground for like a year. He said they said his body was getting gooey. He said it was fucking weird. Howard said Jean Kasem was fighting the kids for the body. He said the thing that drove him nuts was the Rush Limbaugh thing. He said that would be on January 12th which was Rush's birthday as well as his birthday.
Howard took a call from a guy in Missouri who said that Rush would claim that he wasn't from there. He said he's in a little town called Cape Gerardo and Rush used to claim he wasn't from there. He said that later on in life he changed that.
Howard said he grew up in Roosevelt and Dr. J was from there too. He said that Dr. J would deny that he was from Roosevelt and said he was from Freeport. He said they weren't sure why that was. He said maybe he was embarrassed.
The caller said he didn't care if he was from his home town. Howard said he'd ask him not to say he was from there.
Howard said they asked Mark what kind of porn he likes to masturbate to. Howard played his answer and Mark said that he watches black chick, pregnant porn, lesbian porn, pregnant mother porn, pregnant lesbian porn and more. He also told Wolfie that he would like to date a pregnant black chick.
Howard said he's not sure what the fascination is with pregnant women. He said think about that. He said how about pregnant lesbian porn. He asked how that becomes a thing. He said it doesn't sound comfortable. He asked how pregnant they are. Robin said when that happened she was thinking about why he's into that. Howard said they asked him about it and he said he can't have kids so that's why he's into the pregnant girls. He asked if that's right. Will said that's right. He said that's what he told Wolfie.
Howard said it's time for the game. He said that if Robin loses she will have Rush Limbaugh day on her birthday. Howard asked Robin if Mark has ever jerked off to Beyonce. Robin said he must have. She said he said he loves black chicks. Howard played Mark's answer and that was a no. Mark said he doesn't like her and doesn't think she can sing that well.
Howard asked if Mark has ever jerked off to Betty White. Robin said yes. Howard played his answer and Mark said yes he has. He said he likes an old bag with white hair.
Howard asked if Mark has ever jerked off to Oprah Winfrey. Robin said yes. Howard played his answer and Mark said he likes a big black ass and tits so he has.
Howard asked if Mark has ever jerked off to Taylor Swift. Robin said no but then said she has to stop thinking and said yes. Howard played Mark's answer and Mark said he has. He said her body is amazing and she's so fucking hot. He said he'd do a porn with her.
Howard asked if Mark has ever jerked off to Rihanna. Robin said she's going to say no. She was right again. Mark said he doesn't like her.
Howard asked if Mark has ever jerked off to Sofia Vergara. Robin said no and she was right again. Mark didn't think she was hot.
Howard asked if Mark has ever jerked off to Janet Jackson. Robin said no. She was wrong. Mark said he has to her videos with her brother Michael.
Howard asked if Mark has ever jerked off to Heidi Klum. Robin said yes. She was right. Mark said he digs her accent and thinks it's really sexy. Howard said then you sit next to her.
Howard asked Fun George when he fantasies about celebrities who is his go to. Fun George said he can only stay with Brad. He said he can't think of anyone else. He said he posts his body on the faces of people like Brad Pitt. He said that way he's still thinking about a Brad. Howard said thanks so much for that. He let Fun George go.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has ever thought about having Trent Reznor in studio for an interview. Howard said he would love to have him in. He said they don't really want anyone to come in who isn't excited about coming in so they don't push real hard. He said he knows that some shows push to get guests. He said Gary has asked Trent's publicist if he wants to come in and they haven't really gotten a no or a yes. He said if the guy isn't into it he's not going to push him. He said he gets annoyed when he's asked to do a show. He said that he'll do it when he wants to do it. He said they're not going to be pushy with Trent.
Howard said some shows are very guest dependant. He said that late night shows are like that. He said he thanks god every day that he's not in that position. He said they don't have to have guests on the show. He said the talk shows fight over guests. He said people hate each other over it. Robin said she didn't know that was all going on. She said that she didn't get that from the conversations he's had with the Jimmys and Stephen Colbert. Howard said they are friendly with each other but privately they're all upset about guests. Howard said he likes that his big guest today was JD.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would ever have Joe Rogan on the show. Howard said he would because he has had him on in the past. He said Joe has a problem with him over something he said to him in private. He said Joe was insulted by what he said but he didn't mean it as an insult. He said he won't be having him on but that's not his idea, it's his. He said he likes Joe though. He said he liked that show he did where people ate weird shit. Robin said that was Fear Factor.
Robin said she was reading something about Joe and his ''very successful podcast'' where he said that eventually white men will just be silenced over this cancel thing that's going on. Robin said he's being called into question over that. Howard said white straight men run this country. He said it's like Christians saying that they won't let you say Christmas anymore. He said it's bullshit. Howard said he read that he has a $100 million broadcast contract so no one is silencing Joe.
Howard said that Trump became popular because he was saying that we're all being attacked and he's the only one who can save you. He said he isn't looking to save anyone. He said his goal in life was never to go out and help people. He said he was just a business man. He said he just likes his name in the paper.
Howard said if you go into government you have to have the mentality of trying to help someone and make government work.
Howard said his friend Senator Al D'Amato and other republicans that he voted for were people who were republicans but they were into problem solving and making things run. He said you have to sit there and grind it all out. He said he's someone who is sad about the loss of the republican party. He said the Liz Cheney thing is nonsense. He said he thinks she may go off and start her own party. He said he was a huge fan of John McCain. He said that he's not a staunch Democrat like people make him out to be. He said he doesn't recognize anything that's going on with the republican party right now. He said they have to stop with the Qanon stuff already. He said that the election wasn't stolen and it's all nuttiness. He said just be happy that Joe Biden is president. He said if we still had that mess in Washington we'd be like India right now.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to let him know how much he helped him. He said he was near 300 pounds last year. He said in March he started walking 8 miles a day and he got rid of the weight. Howard said it's so great to be thin. He said he sees the kids on American Idol who are overweight and they have to get to the bottom of what the problem is. He said this guy is going to feel great after this.
Howard told the caller to keep walking and keep that weight off. He said he'll be thin and he'll go out and buy some sexy clothes and he'll be fucking like a mad man. He said he knows guys who have done that.
The caller said he has a suggestion. He said Beth should come in for a day or have Robin run the show for a day. Howard said he's all for that. He said tomorrow Robin can come in and do the show. He said they like doing the show together. He said there are days he knows where he's going with the show but Robin will put a slant on it. He said he doesn't want to do the show without her. He said that he has told Beth to go down and do the show. He said she doesn't want to do that though.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Ronnie to work with a sketch artist to find Handjob Connie. Howard said that's already in the works. He said they hired a sketch artist to find her. The caller asked why they can't have a two state solution with Palestine. Howard said his statement earlier was about that. He said this thing is so deep. He said the people living in Gaza are being forced there by the bordering countries. He said that there are so many countries that refuse to accept the people who live in that area. He said he's too exhausted to get into it. He said that the whole thing boils down to the whole world hating Jews and wanting to kill them.
Howard said don't ask him about that. He said the bottom line is that people have already made up their minds about all of this stuff. He said all he knows is that they want Israel wiped off the map.
Howard said don't write in about it and don't try to change his mind on it. He said it's not going to work. He said lets move on and that's it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's about to finish watching The Sopranos and he's trying to understand where Jon Hein thinks the show missed a beat. He said it's the greatest show ever. Howard said it is flawless and brilliant. He said there has never been a show like that before. Robin said it's not the greatest show ever. She said Breaking Bad is. Howard said no way. Robin said they lost their way in The Sopranos many times. Howard said how dare you. The caller said that it was weird that Vito ended up being the gay guy in the show. Howard said there you go. He said enough of that and who cares.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to call in about a weird thing that happened with a girl she was messing around with. She said she brought out a butt plug for herself. Howard said finally a good call. Howard asked if she's a gay woman. She said she's bi. Howard said this is what he needed. He said stop this other shit.
Howard asked the caller, Janet, what she looks like. Janet said she has called in before. She said they have told her she looks like Sofia Vergara. Howard said that's wild. Howard asked how tall she is. She said she's 5'7''. Howard asked if she has modeled. She said she has. Howard said he has to see a picture of her. He asked Gary to find one.
Janet reminded Howard about a story she told on the show a few years ago. Howard remembered that. He asked Janet what she weighs. She said about 118-120. Howard said that's perfect. He said she must be a hard body. Janet said she does work out a lot. She said it's like 6 days a week. Howard said guys must hit on her constantly. She said they sued to when she was able to go out.
Howard asked if this girl she was with was hot. Janet said she was. She said that she's more into guys but this girl was hot. She said she's not sure who she looks like. She said she was very pretty. She said she had very long straight black hair. Howard said like Cher.
Gary put up a picture of Janet that she had sent them in the past. Howard took a look and said she does look like Sofia Vergara. Howard asked if she has had any work done on her at all. She said not at all. Howard asked if she has to work for a living. She said she actually does. She said she's a high level executive. Howard asked how she goes and doesn't have an H.R. problem. Janet said most of the people she works with are gay.
Howard said he's looking at Janet now and her ass cheeks are out. He asked if guys are hitting on her every 5 minutes. Janet said they don't come up to her. She said she can feel when she walks into a room that they're looking at her.
Howard said he's losing her connection. He said he's checking out more photos of her. He said she dresses like a stripper. He said she might as well be naked. Howard asked where she wore that dress. Janet said it was for a charity event.
Howard said he's checking out a shot of her bent over and looking in the refrigerator. Robin asked who takes those photos. Janet said the auto timer. Howard said she's so hot she's auto timing herself. He said that's some ass. He said no wonder she can have sex with everyone. Janet said not everyone.
Howard asked if any guys turn her down. Janet said that she was single until just recently. She said that there was one guy she was interested in but all he wanted to do was have sex.
Howard asked about this butt plug thing. Janet said it wasn't for her. She said it was for the other woman. She said she had put it in herself to have an experience. Howard asked her to slow down. He said guys are jerking off right now so slow down.
Howard asked where she met this girl. Janet said they met at a restaurant for drinks. Howard asked what she was wearing. Janet said she was wearing ripped jeans and a lace body suit. Howard asked what the other woman was wearing. Janet said she was in a mini dress. Howard said this is crazy. He said he thought we were in quarantine. Janet said it was an outside bar.
Janet said that this woman was into her and she was flirtatious with her. She said that she used to say things about other women in front of her. Howard asked how she ended up at her place that night. Janet said they were at the bar and the guy drove them back to her place. She said they were playing some games.
Howard asked if she knew something was going to go down. Janet said she had an idea. She said the other woman was touching her leg and stuff like that. Howard said he's never had that so he wouldn't know. He asked how long it took to get into it. Janet said that she was dating someone already and she didn't want to get involved. She said she didn't want her messing with her man. Howard said skip that part and asked how her clothes came off.
Janet said she went to a room with the guy and they were messing around and the other woman slipped into the room and she went down on him when she was sitting on his face. She said the other woman was down on him while she was up at the other end. She said he's super tall so there was a distance between them.
Howard said he would have been done in 3 seconds if that was him. Howard said that this is all going on and what was the problem with the butt plug. Janet said that she pulled it out but she's not sure when. She said she put it in and it had a gem in it. She said it looked like she had a gem in her butt. Howard asked if she put that in herself. Janet said yes. Howard said there are so many horny women out there. He said this is wild.
Robin asked what the problem was. Janet said the woman was cheating on her boyfriend with her man. Howard said she's ruining it with that part. Janet said the butt plug went inside of her and she had to go in and get it. She said that's really what the problem was. She said she felt the butt plug when she was doing stuff with her.
Howard asked how she felt the butt plug. Robin said she probably felt it through the other opening. Janet said she's right. She said she felt it around that area when she had a finger in there. She said she felt the shape of it. She said when the guy started having sex with her then she saw it. Howard said she must have thought she was shitting in the bed. Janet said not at all. She said it was hot actually. Howard said this has never happened to him. He said he's famous so this should be happening to him.
Howard said he just got a note saying that Ronnie came in his pants. He asked Janet about how they did it. Janet explained the position they were in and how she was doing it. Howard asked about how the butt plug comes out. Janet said she had to go in there and dig it out. She said she has long nails so she had to get the guy to help. She said he had to hook his finger in there and it was suction cupping back in. She said they were all getting turned on doing that and they kept having sex. She said it took maybe 5 minuets or so to get it out. She said it wasn't all that big when she finally saw it.
Howard said he knows that if Charles Grodin were still alive that even he would have liked this story. He said this is the kind of show he thought about doing as a 12 year old.
Howard took a call from Fake Jeff Goldblum who was cumming all over his house over this story.
Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn knows Janet somehow. He took her call and Mariann said that she has met her and she is absolutely gorgeous. She said that her life is so boring compared to her's. She said she can't believe her stories.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that all the guys out there are jerking off a lot to this story.
Howard asked if there was any doody on this butt plug. Janet said not at all. Howard asked if she's going to go back to her again. Janet said she doesn't plan to. Howard said he would have to plan to do that stuff. He said shit just happens for Janet. Howard asked why she won't settle down with one guy. Janet said she's very picky and selective. She said she was married before. She said that the dating pool is awful and everyone is just fucked up. Howard said he tells Beth that.
Howard said his boss Jennifer Witz is on the phone. He took her call and she told him to keep it up because subscriptions are sky rocketing. Howard thanked Janet for calling in with that. He said before he met Beth he would have given her a run for her money. He said she would have been finished off in 3 seconds. He said he hopes that she can cum quick. He said she's some good looking woman.
Howard wrapped up with Janet and let her go. He said he's glad she got that butt plug out of her friend's ass. She could have ended up in the hospital. Janet thanked him for taking her call. Howard said Fred always stays with it when he has to pull things out of his ass.
Howard said Mitch McConnell is on the phone. He took the call from fake Mitch who said that was a very unamerican phone call. He said he's just kidding and thought that was really hot and he's playing with his cock. Howard hung up on him and said he will get to Bobo next time. He said he's not ignoring him.
Howard took Bobo's call and Bobo said he had a hitchhiking story that almost ended up in him almost not being here. He started to tell the story but Howard told him to call in on the next show. Bobo said no problem. Howard said next time he promises. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 11:00am.