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Howard started the show talking about how great ''Hey now!'' is. He said if you don't love it then there's something wrong with you. He said that was a Larry King quote. Robin asked if he said that. Howard said no.
Howard said he's got a lot of things to talk about but he has to get revved up. He said they already discussed everything in the morning meeting. He said he has to rediscuss it with Robin now.
Howard said he tried to stay up and watch the Emmys last night but it was boring and dull. He said he was glad to see that Patricia Arquette won for that character she played in ''The Act.'' He said Joey King got ripped off not winning for playing her daughter. He said it was the scariest horror mother on film. He said he was reading about how Patricia got political there but she just talked about her dead sister. He said it was sweet, not political. He said everyone is so fucking judgmental. He said she got up and talked about missing her sister who was trans. He said she asked people to hire trans people too. He said the NY Post guy said it was political. Howard said Patricia is so sweet.
Howard said he's going to recap the Emmys first thing. He said he'll play Patricia Arquette's speech. He played that and said it was sweet.
Howard said he grew up in a neighborhood where white liberals got up and moved out of a neighborhood in the middle of the night because black people were moving in. He said they were phony. He said that this one woman was someone he thought was a lovely woman. He said she was a teacher in his school. He said she preached that white and black people had to live together and then she moved out in the middle of the night. He said that's because black people moved in. He said he can't mention her name because it gets him going. Howard said his mother would talk about the phony baloney whiteys who did that. Howard did his impression of his mother talking about that woman moving out.
Howard said he wanted to move out but his parents didn't want to. He said he had a few black friends but they got beaten up for hanging out with him. He said this has all been documented.
Howard said Michelle Williams got up there talking about black women not getting paid the same as white women. He said she was really full of herself. Howard played a clip of Michelle Williams making her speech.
Howard said he won't play the whole thing. He said he gets her point and he's with her on women getting paid the same as men on work. He said he wonders if she talks like that all day in her regular life. He asked if she's always on fire. He played more of her speech. Howard asked if she was on Dawson's Creek. Robin said she was. Howard told her to calm down. Howard said we get she's upset for all of these women. Howard said she's on fire. He said it is an important message. He said she should have mentioned black, trans women too. Robin said they have to say especially black women. Howard said he heard that too in Roosevelt. Then people moved out.
Howard said black people were very honest. He said they just beat him up for being white. Robin said they could have gone and done something but they just beat up Howard. Howard said he loved that his mother was making beautiful statements while he was getting punched in the face.
Howard said he went to see his mom over the weekend. He said he had breakfast with them. He said it was quite the session. He said he was trying to tell his mom to eat Metamucil crackers. He said that's what he's been doing. He said he thought it was for old people who can't shit. He said he must be old now. He said he's a big fan of that stuff. He said it tastes like apple pie. He said it's extra fiber. He said his doctor told him he should try it because he needs more fiber in his diet. He said he was trying to explain to his mom but she doesn't like to hear about anything new.
Howard said he told his mother about this stuff he was eating. He said she asked what that is. He said he explained it to her and she said she doesn't need that. He said she said doctors don't know everything. He said he tried it and it was good for him. He said she wants nothing to do with it. He said his father said he was having herring that day and they were going to Bagel Boss. He said his sister gets them outside as often as she can. He said he tells his mother to walk with his dad but she says that they don't know her problems. He said he tries to get his trainer to help them and they won't want to hear it.
Howard said he told his mother about the exercise bike he bought. He said she asked what was so great about it. He said he told her about the way you watch video with the bike. He said she told him he should walk and swim. He said he told her that he has to get his heart rate up and she says doctors don't know what they're talking about. Howard said he was arguing with her about this. He said she gets into his head and he thinks the bike is bad. He said she has that control over him.
Howard said he was thinking about Robin. He said she had the worst parents and she's very classy. He said he thinks there's something fishy going on with her. He said her parents were out of it but she was able to rise above. He said he gets sucked into his parents stuff. He said something fishy is up with Robin's story. Robin said maybe there's something fishy up with Howard. Howard said he felt that she's like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Howard said he never should have brought up the bike and Metamucil. He said they got into some other things. He said they talked about going to Bagel Boss with Ellen. He said his father loves Herring. He said that's what he gets there. Howard said then they asked what he was doing for the day and they didn't like that either. He said he told them that he was getting a hair cut and his mother said it was all out of shape. He said he felt ugly the rest of the day. He said he has to get out. He said he's not sure what he's trying to get out of. He said he's talking big picture now.
Howard said you have to make conversation with them. He said it stimulates them. He said his dad brought out a book of where he was stationed in the military. He said he showed where he shot a gun and things. He said he wondered where this book came from. He said it's 70 years old and it shows where he was stationed and stuff. He said he didn't show it to him when he was a kid. He said he didn't share anything with him. He just yelled at him the whole time.
Howard said they asked if he wanted this book. He said they act like they're dying the next day. He said his dad liked the book so he wants them to keep it. He said he saw his dad in his military uniform. He said he wanted to say they should have showed it to him when he cared. Howard said he should have told them to give it to him when they die.
Howard said he's going to Los Angeles so he told them about that. Howard said he has to yell all of this to his dad. He said he doesn't know anything so he just goes ''Yeah, right.'' He said he told them about the new studios out in Los Angeles.
Howard said he asked his father if he should retire and he said no. He said his parents said he has a lot of people to support. Howard said his dad was able to retire at like 55. He said he enjoys retirement. Howard said he told them about going to promote his book out in L.A. He said they want to introduce the idea that the book would be a good Christmas gift. He said his father kept saying ''What?'' and his mother said he can't hear him. He said they cleared his ears out. He said he can hear fine enough. He said he was doing okay.
Howard said he was going out to do the Ellen show. He said that his mother liked. He said she lit up about that. He said now he's worthy. Robin said now he's made it. Howard said now he's a big shot. He said he told them about Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Maher's show. He said they asked what those were. Howard said his dad watches HBO but not Bill Maher. He said they watch it but they can't hear it so well.
Howard said his mother has a hearing issue too. He said she got her Hearing-Aid adjusted. He said he has to solve all of these problems. He said his mother loves to watch TV. He said she tells him that there's a little TV he bought her that she loves to watch. He said they adjusted her Hearing-Aid but it sounds odd to her. He said she doesn't like this stuff. He said he would buy her speakers but she can't hear it right. He said she went to the woman 3 times already to get it fixed. He said they tell her it's the same but it's not. He said she doesn't know what to do and she wants to give up.
Howard said he told his mother to go to see someone else. He said she said she had a doctor that she's going to in November. He said he doesn't know what to do. He said she's suffering through all of this. He said he got a lecture about working too hard from them too. He said he was told not to go to L.A. He said he wasn't able to fix their TV. He said even when he is their hero he doesn't get enough praise.
Howard said it was like old times sitting in the kitchen with them. He said it feels like old times. He said that's it.
Howard said he was driving and he was near their place. He said he called around quarter to 8 and the phone picks up. He said they hang up on him. He said he knows that his father must have picked up and didn't hear anything. He said he thought about not going. He said he called back 20 minutes later and his mother picked up. He said she sounds like she was just kidnapped by a biker gang. He said that's that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he should congratulate himself on having such a positive attitude after all of this. Howard said his mother thinks she has a positive attitude. The caller said it's all negative stuff. Howard said she can be negative but she tells him not to be. Howard said he told his mother about a kid he grew up with dying in Roosevelt. He said he found out from his brother. He said it was Jerry Dikowitz. He said he was the same age as him. He said he didn't know about some illness he had. He said he was in his band. He said he was looking for something to talk to his parents about. He said he mentioned Jerry dying and that sent her into a tailspin. He said she was talking about how no one called him when he was a kid. He said they all moved away and none of them invited him over to their house. Howard said they didn't know they could call each other back then. He said his father would go nuts if he called someone.
Howard had his mother talking about how she was his only friend. He said she said he never complained so he was a good boy.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's forced into taking shits at work now. Howard said no but he takes big shits at home. He said the Metamucil is doing its job. He said he breaks up the crackers into his yogurt. He said it makes him take a big, fluffy doody.
The caller asked what he did back in the day with Beth when he had to take a doody. Howard said he's always had 2 bedrooms so they have their own private areas. He said they're planning their trip to L.A. and making sure they have that out there. The caller, Mark from Boston, asked about him ripping ''fahts'' in front of her. Howard said he will go into another room to fart. He said they have so many cats in the house and Beth will go to feed another cat and he'll just rip the farts. Howard said he'd never get laid if she had to smell his farts. Mark said right. Howard hung up on him.
Howard said he hears Beth leave the room and he'll rip out the farts while she's out of the room. He said they all just come out. He said they go and sit on the couch and read their phones and stuff. He said if she odes come back he'll blame it on the cats.
Howard said he and Beth will have separate bedrooms out in L.A. He said he asked her to get on Metamucil and she didn't want to talk about it. He said she claims she never shits. He said he believes her. He said he loves it when he goes. He said it makes him so happy when he goes.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she's so sick of the Emmys. She said Patricia Arquette was talking about how she feels white and privileged a few months ago. She said she should quit doing what she's doing then. Mariann said she's an air head. Howard said she's a good actress. Howard said he was kind of bummed out with that RuPaul. He said he loves drag queens but that show is so long and so poorly produced. He said they heap rewards on the show. Mariann said when RuPaul gets awards in the same room that Peter Dinklage does it's meaningless.
Mariann also brought up how Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher had a threesome and that was in the news all weekend. Howard said he did see that. Howard hung up on her a short time later.
Howard said they won 4 Emmys for that RuPaul's Drag Race this year alone. He said they've won 13. Robin said she's barely seen that show.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about this trip to L.A. and if he's going to see Rob Zombie. He said he has a new movie out. He said it's a follow up to House of 1000 Corpses. He was wondering if he's going to try to get together with him out there. Howard said people in L.A. have to leave him alone. He said he has so many people contacting him asking if he wants to get together. He said he doesn't have time for that. He said he's working out there. He said he needs to go to bed early out there. He said he's not going to have a party. He said that's what Jimmy wants. The caller said he's turning into his mother. Howard said shut up. He said he knows he's like his parents. He said he can't go have fun in L.A. when he's working. He said it's work out there.
Howard said Robin wanted to get together with Dr. Agus out there. Howard said he loves that guy but he has to work. He said he's not going to see Dr. Agus. Robin said he already knew it was a long shot. Howard said he heard from JJ too. He said he doesn't have time for dinner. He said he's busy preparing this show. He said he has to work.
Howard said he should get back to the Emmys. He said he saw that new Spider-Man movie where he's in Europe. Gary said it's called Far from Home. Howard said that Zendaya is in it. He said she's really hot. Robin said she's only 23. Gary said she's in that show Euphoria on HBO and Howard would love that. Howard said he always forgets to watch that.
Howard said he's watching this show about people who are over 600 pounds and have to get that weight loss operation. He said it's a great show. He said he told his mother about that show and his father said he watches it. He said his mother won't watch it ever. He said she can't watch what people do to themselves when they're that big. Howard said he just wonders why they can't stop eating.
Howard said he has an audiologist on the phone. He took the call and the woman said she thinks that she needs to see her hearing test to see what's wrong with his mother. He said it could be a few things. She said she's a sound engineer and she looks at things differently then some do. Howard said he wants to get his mother out there but she won't leave Long Island. The caller said that her parents are out there too. She said if they can get her to Manhattan once she'll visit them out on Long Island. She said her mother is ill right now and she's out there a lot. Howard said he's going to get her info. He asked if she's Dr. Melissa. She said she is. Howard said she might be the right person to help. He said this woman is a gold mine.
Howard said he has to figure out how to get his mother into Manhattan. He said she thinks it's too far for them. He did more of his mother's voice talking about how they don't have the energy to wait in the waiting room and things like that.
Howard said his mother isn't a good advertisement for getting old. He said it doesn't seem like fun.
Howard asked Gary to get Dr. Melissa's info. He said he'll give her a shot. Gary said they got it. Howard asked if she really knows her stuff or what. Robin said she did say she's an engineer.
Howard said he wasn't offended by Patricia Arquette's speech. He said he didn't like the way RuPaul was treating Zendaya. Howard played some audio of the two of them on stage.
Howard said he thinks that was okay. He said she's fine. He asked where she came from. Robin said she came from Disney. Howard said Disney knows how to spot 'em.
Howard said one woman got up from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. He said she said her grandmother was in the holocaust and asked watch would happen if she got out of line and they said they wouldn't be able to shoot her. Howard played the speech where she talked about that. Howard wondered what that means. He asked if they really let her step out of line and didn't shoot her. He said in real life you'd get shot in the face if you stepped out of line. Robin said not everyone can be that heartless. Howard said they were pretty heartless. He said if she stepped out of line then what happened? He said he's calling bullshit on this story. He said he loves that she stepped out of line and lived but how do you get to do that. He said he needs more explanation. He said it sounds like she knew how to pick the right guard. Robin said maybe she saw that he wasn't as bad as some of the other guards. Howard said he's like Schultzy from Hogan's Heroes. Howard said he was the lovable Nazi. Howard said he heard they're bringing that show back. He said they're going to have Zendaya and RuPaul in the show.
Howard said he wants to know why people didn't ask more questions about that story. Fred was playing the Hogan's Heroes theme music. Howard said when his grandmother heard that music she hid under the bed.
Howard said they had the red carpet interviews for the Emmys. He said they tried to interview Terrence Howard of Empire and he is really out there. He said you have to hear this. Howard played a clip and Terrence was talking about how when he's done with this show he's walking away from it. He was rambling on and on about what he's found in his career. He was saying there are no straight lines in life and he found wave conjugations and how it all holds us together. He was going on and on about all of that.
Howard said that was fucking crazy. He said he had a friend who was homeless and talked a lot like that. He said it's almost a Charles Manson kind of rap. He said Manson makes more sense though. He wondered how his team let him walk the red carpet if they knew what he was up to. Robin said if he's stepping away they know he's not going to need more work. Robin said he's a great actor. Howard said he had a bunch of restraining orders against him. He read some details about how he admitted to slapping his wife back a few years back. He read the details of those incidents.
Gary said there's a really crazy story about his father killing someone in front of him. He said someone cut in line when they were going to see Santa and the guy ended up getting killed by Howard's father. Howard asked why they don't bring that up in the interviews. Howard asked if the guy went to jail for that. Robin said she thinks for murder you have to go to jail. Gary said they say that he went to prison for 11 months for that.
Howard said he has other stuff they pulled from the Emmys. He said this football player was the interviewer for FOX. He said this guy has a lot of trouble with the English language. He played some examples of his strange interviews. He had one of Marisa Tomei being interviewed by this guy and it was kind of awkward.
Howard said those were a couple of thoughts from the Emmys. Robin said Jenny McCarthy was way too excited to be there. She said she was doing some of those interviews as well. She said she was excited.
Howard said he and his wife were watching the Red Carpet and she knew what some of the people were wearing. Robin said she was a model. Howard said she knows all of that stuff. Robin said she has met friends of Howard's who knew that stuff too. She said that's what happens when you live in that world. She said they love to know that stuff.
Howard said all of the dresses looked awful. He said they all appear that they were dressed by a man who hates women. He said one woman had a dress on that was smashing her boobs out. He said Nick Cannon is still wearing those turbans. He said he has to talk about that with Nick when he comes in this week. He said he has to tell him to cut that bullshit.
Howard said Jon Hein was on fire about the Emmys. He said he was upset that Game of Thrones didn't get an Emmy for directing. Howard said that's the first thing they did right. He said Jason Bateman got one for directing. He said that guy actually lit the scenes so they could be seen. He said Game of Thrones was so dark. He said he told Jon that they wouldn't win. Jon came in and said he's stunned.
Jo said he loved Ozark but he didn't think that should have won over Game of Thrones. He said he loves TV and he feels that when he watches the Emmys it's the worst show to watch. He said it's ironic because they're celebrating great TV. He said he thinks the bits they were doing were just bad. Robins said they were.
Howard said he heard that Jon and JD were texting back and forth about the Emmys. Jon said he and JD do that with all award shows. Howard said he heard he was angry about the In Memorium. Howard said he'll have to watch that. Jon said it was Halsey singing. He said she did an engine verse of the song without showing anyone. He said they went through some people and then went to Halsey with more of the song. He said it's become more about the performer. Howard said he would rather see her sing. He said he thinks Jon is wrong about that.
Howard said he thinks Jon is getting worked up. Jon said that Peter Dinklage is the only actor in the history of the show who has won an Emmy for acting. He said they won for best show. He said there were women up for Emmys and none of them won. He said the woman from Ozark won. He said it's just not right. Howard said football must have set him off too. Jon said it was a shitty weekend. Howard said he's in front of TV a lot. Jon said he loves television. Howard said Network TV never wins Emmys. Jon said it's amazing. He said Saturday Night Live wins and the late night talk shows win. He said the dramas and comedies don't win. He said it's all Netflix and Amazon. He said it wasn't that long ago that network was winning. He said they do a better job of making shows but lately they haven't been doing a good job. He said they have the resources to do it. Howard said maybe they're trying. He said the FCC has regulations that the other services don't have to adhere to. Jon said that could have something to do with it. Howard asked if he went outside at all this weekend. Jon said they did. He said they went out to eat last night.
Howard said Jon refuses to watch Saturday Night Live. Jon said he thinks it's garbage. He said he did see some of the clips from the Adam Sandler episode. He said that was okay. He said he doesn't want to watch it like he did when he was younger.
Howard asked if he has anything else to say about the Emmys. Jon said twice last night they had the whole cast up on stage for Game of Thrones. He said the cast of Veep got to go up too. He said he's not sure why the rest of the shows get to do that. He said they don't do that with Big Bang Theory or anything. Howard said this is why America is great. He said in other countries they are looking for food. He said here Jon is upset that two shows got to bring the whole cast up on stage. He said that Veep lost later in the show and it's not clear why they were doing it. He said it seemed very contrived to him. Robin said she thinks they should stop. He said it's a waste of time. Howard said America is great. He said they have to agree with that. He said if you live in Syria your home town got bombed yesterday. Howard said that's Jon's work out when he gets his heart rate up getting freaked out about this show.
Howard said people were saying the show was better without a host. Jon said he disagrees. He said Colbert and Jimmy did some good jokes about that.
Robin wondered if they made up Bob Newhart to look like he was dead. Howard said he's like 90. He said he's near death. Jon said he seemed really pissed off at the show.
Howard said Jon tweeted out last night about how bad the show is when they're supposed to be celebrating great television. He said there's a lot of anger out there. Jon said he was also upset that Joey King didn't win. Robin said he's acting like this stuff actually means something. Jon said she's right. He said it wasn't a good weekend between that and football.
Howard asked Jon why he gets so upset. Jon said he loves Michigan. He said they are representing his school and they lost 35-14. Howard and Jon spent a minute talking about football.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they have to get Jon a Happy Meal to calm him down. Howard asked if he eats during the Emmys. Jon said he went to eat on the pier by the Hudson. He said he had some hot dogs. Howard said you've got to be kidding. Jon said it's a casual hang out place and not a regular restaurant. Jon said it's on the river and a nice snack bar kind of place. Howard asked how his health is eating like that. Jon said he's doing okay. He said he has an insulin pump on him so that's how healthy he is. He said he got diabetes in his mid 20s. Howard said that makes sense. He said he should get something for the way he eats.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra is on the phone so he has to get to him but he has to take a break. He said hopefully he can hang in there. They went to break after that.
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Howard got Lenny on the phone and said he heard about his big announcement and this is very controversial. He said it has nothing to do with Robin which is rare. He said he still wants to eat her out but today he's being highly professional. Robin asked if he's coming back to baseball.
Howard said he's real serious today. He was saying hello to Robin and not coming on to her. Howard said he says the big announcement is he's transitioning. Lenny said absolutely not. He said the fight with Bagel Boss won't be happening. He said he has a trial going on and he can't do the fight. He said he has to prepare for this trial instead.
Howard asked what happened to fun Lenny. Lenny said this is real money here and 7 years of his life has been dedicated to this. He said he's suing his former attorneys and this is a legal malpractice case. Howard asked why he can't box. Lenny said he's just following his lawyer's advice. He said they told him this is something that they want him to prepare for.
Howard asked if he spoke to Damon Feldman about this. Lenny said he and Damon did talk. He said they can do something in the future. Howard said his critics are going to say he's scared of the Bagel Boss guy. Lenny said he wasn't going to show up anyway. He said Chris Cuomo is going to show up for the next one. He said he thinks he's a tough guy. Howard said he thinks Chris was being a man and getting insulted and he stood up for himself. Howard asked why he would want to fight him. Lenny said he's a tough guy or he thinks he is. Howard said Lenny is one of his heroes and he wants to straighten him out.
Lenny said all Robin has to do is leave her back door open and he'll sneak in and it'll be like a dream. Robin said there's Lenny.
Howard said he heard the other day that Doc Gooden was going to be his corner man in the fight. He said you know this is going to make it seem like he's afraid of the Bagel guy. Lenny said there's a better chance of him playing for the Mets next year.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this is Lenny being scared of the bagel guy. Lenny said he's not scared of anyone, not even God himself. The caller said he took a cheap shot at Bagel guy at that press conference. Lenny asked if she's overweight. She said no, she's 5'2'' and 120 pounds. Lenny said okay, goodbye. He said everyone wants what he has.
Lenny said he's just doing what his attorney wants him to do with this trial that's coming up. He said it's a very serious case. He said he can fight afterward. He said he's still waiting for Mickey Rourke to show up. He said Robin wasn't going to come anyway. Robin said she was going to be ring side. Howard said she wasn't going to be wearing panties. Lenny said he'll get there. He said it's unfortunate but he has to do what his attorney wants.
Howard said he knows he got in trouble for tweeting that people born on 9/11 were no longer jail bait. Lenny said that was his Twitter consultant who tweeted that. He said he whipped that guy's ass over that.
Lenny said they have to get back on point. Howard said he gets that he can't fight. He said he thinks that he was in great shape and he hit very hard. He said he doesn't get why he can't fight because of a lawsuit. Lenny said he asked the same thing. He said they went to school to get that degree to be an attorney and he's following their advice.
Howard asked if he's eating any pussy lately. Lenny said all of that stuff is being put aside for the time being. That's unless Robin needs her pipes cleaned. Howard asked if it's true that he's fucking a 19 year old. Lenny said he doesn't know. He said the only person who could crack him right now is Robin.
Howard said they're not getting this fight right now. Lenny said he and Robin have to have a nice dinner. Howard said there's no harm in that. Howard asked if he is dating a 19 year old. Lenny said not at all. Howard said that is a lie then. Lenny said he may have cleaned his pipes with one but he doesn't know.
Howard thanked Lenny for making that announcement there. Lenny asked if Robin was really going to wear no panties at the fight. Howard said she was. He said that was Lenny's idea. Lenny said he's getting blood flow now. He said this is the first and only interview he's doing. He said he is using Howard to get to Robin. Howard said he would love Robin to find love and a man. Lenny said just give him a chance. Howard said Lenny is the greatest Met to ever play the game. He said he was great on the Mets. He said this guy could play ball and they can't take that away from him. He said he gave them an exclusive here today. He said eat your hearts out 60 Minutes.
Howard let Lenny go and did an impression of what he sounded like as he was making that announcement today. He said he wants to know what the real story is there. Robin said it sounds like they don't want him to sully his image anymore before the trial.
Shuli came in and said he went with Erik to the test. He said Erik picked him up without anyone in the car. He said he almost put his foot through the floor trying to fake brake. He said that you have to know what you're doing in the city. He said Ronnie knows what he's doing. He said Erik showed up and said that someone hit his car on the expressway. He said he claims this guy crossed in front of him and hit him. He said this was before his driving test.
Howard asked Erik what he did. Erik said he didn't exchange information. Shuli said he wants to have a guy on the street get the dent out for him. Shuli said he gets in the car and he sees stuff in there like cop lights. He said it's on the inside by the windshield. Erik told him it's his police light. He said he had him turn it on and it looks like a real cop car.
Howard asked Erik what he's going to do with that. Erik said he'll pout them on to get people out of his way. Howard started cracking up. Robin said he's going to get arrested. Shuli said he has a fake badge in the car with him too. Howard said it's against the law to have cop lights in the car. Erik said people move when they see the light. Robin said that's only for real cops. Howard said there would be chaos if everyone did that. Erik said he knows a lot of the cops. He said a lot are Blue Bloods fans. Howard asked what the rush is. He said he doesn't have anywhere to be. Erik said he has places to be. Erik said if he has to get to the studio to get something then he might have to use them. Howard said if he's late it's okay. He said they can wait.
Howard said Erik had an accident on his way to the driving test. Shuli said he took his test and he told him what to do on the way there. He said he dropped him off at home. He said Erik went home and then he got a direct message from a guy who said Erik was involved in another accident that night. Erik asked where. Shuli asked if he hit someone from behind that night. Erik said yeah but that's because someone cut him off.
Howard asked how he passed that test. Shuli said he's not sure. He said this woman tested him and it appears that they just want to get out of the car. He said Erik lost 5 points for parking on the test. Erik said they make you park by a driveway. He said that's the hardest place to park. Shuli said he has a reverse camera but you can't use that because you take it in the driving school car. Erik said you can't tell when you're parking by a driveway because it's flat.
Shuli said the only 5 points he lost was from parking too far from the sidewalk. Howard said he's been in 2 accidents already. Shuli said he has road rage too. Howard said everyone is cutting him off. Howard said when someone cuts him off he just laughs it off and lets them go. Erik asked what Ronnie does. Howard said he does what Erik does. He said he gets really upset.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who said he saw the accident that Erik was in. He said his name is Tommy. Howard asked what he saw. Tommy said Erik was very nice. He said they showed up and his car was kind of banged up. He said he didn't think it was driveable. He said he doesn't want to bash him too bad but he had two accidents that day. Howard asked Tommy how he got his car moved. Tommy said they had a tow truck there to move it. Erik said they had to tow it to a body shop. He said the car was leaking antifreeze so they have to get it fixed. Shuli said only Erik can pass his test and lose the car the same day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said if Erik keeps impersonating a cop he's going to go to jail. Erik said he hears that but he never brings his gun with him. Robin said he's thinking of using that light in the car. The cop said Erik is going to jail if he knows someone or not. He said he's impersonating him and his brotherhood. He said that's not going to help. Erik said he knows a lot of cops. The caller said he's going to go to jail.
Howard said he can't do that with the lights. Erik said he took the lights out of his windshield when he got into the accident. Howard said he thinks it's at least 5 years in prison for impersonating a cop. The caller said he could get up to 10. Robin said if he were to do that it's a danger to the other people out there.
Howard asked Erik if he understands what they're saying. Erik said yes. He said he's going to take the lights out of his car. Howard asked if he got an estimate on his car yet. Erik said not yet. He said he'll get that this morning. Howard asked if he's considered he got in 2 accidents in one day. Erik said kind of. Erik said he'll get it fixed by the end of the week. Howard said that has nothing to do with his question. He said he was in two accidents. Robin asked if he learned anything from those accidents. Erik said he did learn to be more careful. Howard asked if the insurance company has responded yet. Erik said they were closed over the weekend.
Erik said when he gets to L.A. he's going to rent a car. Howard said Erik has money from Cameo now and he's spending a lot of money. Shuli said there is no one saying no to him now. He said he's flying first class and buying cars. Howard said he paid cash for that car. Erik said with a certified check, yes. He asked if he can come by the show in L.A. Howard said he can drop by.
Howard said he can't believe he passed his test. Erik said he passed with flying colors. Howard said a 5 point deduction isn't flying colors. He said it's crazy that he has a car and he's driving. He said this is like some weird bizzarro thing. He said he got money thanks to this show and it's like the Beverly Hillbillies. He said you have to feel like a real douche bag if you failed your driving test.
Shuli asked what he weighs now. Erik said 323. Howard said no way. He said he has to weigh more. Erik said he does. Shuli said the car raised up like 3 inches when he got out of it.
Erik said he thinks it would be good for them to film him driving to the studios out in L.A. Howard said he's already had two accidents in one day. He said he's not going to lose a camera person in an accident.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she met Erik at Yankee stadium. She said she gave him her card and he was unmerciful calling the police station. She said he called her non stop. She said she was such an idiot. Howard said you'd think that he'd behave around her. Shuli said Erik thinks he's a cop. Erik said he feels that way when he watches Blue Bloods.
Shuli asked what initials he had on his sweatshirt. Erik said it was BBO, Brothers Before Others. Shuli said they don't think of him as a brother.
Howard let Erik go after he asked if there was anything he can do for the show in L.A. Howard said he'll think about it. He told Gary to give Erik the wrong address to the studio.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has been in the insurance business for a long time. He said they're going to look for Erik in the system. He said he's going to continue to get into accidents. He said the DMV isn't going to pull his license. He said he's going to keep doing this and then stop paying his insurance. Howard said he hears him. He thanked him for the call.
Shuli said the car was nice. He said it's nicer than the car he has. Howard said everyone is freaking out. He said he's against dull driving. Robin said the DMV knows who they gave this license to.
Howard said he's going out to L.A. to promote the book and do some shows. He said he'll be on the Ellen Degeneres show. He said he taped a bunch of her shows to get the vibe of the show. He said her best guest is David Spade. He said he watched a bunch of people on the show. He said if you just go on and say anything then you're way ahead of the game. He said she does all of the heavy lifting. He said Simon Cowell was on her show. He said he irritates the shit out of him because he's a liar. He said he might talk to her about that over there.
Howard said Simon was off American TV until he took his job on America's Got Talent. He said he didn't want the job anymore but Simon was plotting behind the scenes to get his job. He said he would work cheaper and they should get rid of Howard Stern. He said then he calls him up and tells him not to believe what he's reading in the paper. He said he claimed he would never have sent such emails. Howard said they were hacked and they were out there. He said he must have thought he was an idiot. He asked who would lie about that.
Howard said he's watching Simon with Ellen and they gave him two segments. He said they talked about him losing weight. He said that's it for the first segment. Howard said all he can do is judge on a show. He said in the second segment they gave him a lie detector test. He said that's all they could figure out what to do with the guy. He said he wishes he had that interview to play right know. JD said he can get it in a couple of minutes. Howard said JD is excellent. He said he gets an A+. He asked if he has a driver's license. JD said he does. He said he doesn't drive much around there but when he goes out of state he drives around. Howard said there seems like a special in that.
Howard said Simon is on the phone. He took the call from fake Simon who was going off on him and making fun of things like Howard's eating. Simon said he wants to bury the hatchet. He said that's the name of his cock and he wants to bury it in his wife. Howard said America's Got Talent finale was down 22 percent in viewers and hit an all time low in the 18-49 demographic. Howard told him to go buy a bra. They went back and forth with insults for a couple of minutes. Simon asked Fred to marry Robin because he can't fuck her unless she's married. Simon had a song parody about himself that he played. Howard asked where his X button is. Simon and Howard threw more jabs at one another before Howard hung up on him.
Robin said she loves how they act like he's the star on that show. Howard said poor Howie has to behave and deal with that. Robin said Simon is the spokesperson for the show. Howard said he can take the blame for the loss of the ratings for the finale then.
Howard had some of the audio of Simon on Ellen's show. Howard played that and Ellen brought up how he has lost some weight. Howard made a snoring sound. He said the card has to say that all he has to talk about is losing weight. Howard called the guy a douche bag. He said he's out there killing. He said Ellen should ask how the weather is today. He said he can give a weather report.
Howard played more audio of Simon talking about what he did to lose weight. He went to a doctor who said he has the worst diet he's ever met. Howard asked what that even means. He said that's not proper grammar. Howard said poor Ellen had to be hospitalized after this interview. Howard said what a horror story he has about his diet.
Howard said people who say they have to be honest with you are liars. Simon had just said that. Shuli said Ellen is working so hard trying to do this interview. He said if she can't make something funny then it's bad. Howard said he will go on the show and tell her he saw the show with Simon and he wouldn't be surprised if she retired after that. He said he's not sure how she got through that. He said he hopes she tells him he's right about that.
Howard said please tell us more about your dairy restrictions. He said he has to ask a doctor about what to eat. He said what a fucking bullshit artists. He said he's a no talent bullshit artist. He said he's going to bring his snake boots out to L.A. with him so he doesn't get bitten by this guy.
Howard played more of Simon's interview where he talked about this son Erik but didn't mention it was his son. He said this guy thinks that everyone knows what his son's name is. He said imagine being raised by this guy. The liar. He did an impression of Simon telling his lame diet story on Ellen.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Simon call was the best yet. She said she's a fairly new listener. Howard said welcome to the show.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who told him to rip Simon a new one. She said that they want to pray on the people who are watching the show. Howard hung up on her in the middle of her rant.
Howard got back to the Simon interview clip and played a few seconds more. He said he's not going to play the whole thing. He played more of it a few seconds later. Simon was talking about how he doesn't like having his picture taken but his partner... Howard said the guy can't even marry this woman.
Howard said he has Simon back on the phone to tell more stories about his life. Howard took the call and Fake Simon said on Friday he went out and did some dry cleaning. He went into details about his dry cleaning like he was telling a boring story on Ellen. Howard hung up on him. Robin said that was awful like watching paint dry. She said she was in danger of falling asleep.
Howard played more of Simon's lame stories on Ellen. Howard said Ellen earned her money that day trying to get something out of this guy. Robin said she was trying to say something constructive by telling him he looks great and all he did was say she looks great too.
Howard said they're going to L.A. and he'll be doing Ellen's show and Bill Maher's show. He said he's not sure why Bill wants him on. He said he wants to talk about politics on his show. He said he has a lot of Trump stuff in his book so maybe they can talk about that. Robin said he can talk about whatever he wants. She said he's going to be in a one on one. Howard said he doesn't want to be on a panel. He said that wouldn't go well. Howard said he really has to take a break. He thanked Shuli for coming in and went to break.
Howard said he was watching Simon Cowell on Ellen and figured he can't do any worse. He said he's going to go on and talk about his diet. He said Ellen can ask him what he eats for dinner. He said she can ask about how he doesn't eat ice cream and red meat. He said he doesn't eat chicken or birds either. He said he always gets sauce on side from the Chinese place too. Howard said Ellen would throw him right off the show if he did that.
Howard said he's shocked she was able to stay awake during that interview. He said it would have been great if she had fallen asleep.
Howard said he's going to tell the Ellen people that he'd like to do a one man show of Simon's interview. He said he'll come out and tell Ellen he was amazed by his interview. He said he'll do a reenactment of his interview. Robin said that's because it was the best. Howard rehearsed by reciting some of his boring lines from that interview.
Howard said he will come out with his shirt unbuttoned like Simon and pretend that he's uncomfortable with it. He said that's what he did.
Howard said Steve Kingston sent him this tape. He said it's a reporter on KTLA. Howard played the clip and the reporter said that they reached out to the man who died in this pursuit but he was unavailable for comment.
Howard said he was listening to Tom Morello's revolution on Sirius and he thinks that name is a little much. He said it's not a revolution but he has good musical taste. He said he plays mostly his own songs. He said he did a song called ''Can't Stop the Bleeding'' and it was Gary Clark Jr. and Tom. He said it's pretty good. He said this guy Tom Morello is good. He played the song for Fred. Fred said he loves it. Howard said it's good.
Howard said he listens to Lithium a lot on Sirius. He said he likes the 90s music. He said Lithium is awesome. He said it's like pussy, it's awesome. He said it's like Mark the Bagger. He said Mark says pussy is awesome, pussy is the greatest.
Howard said he heard Bush's song ''Chemicals Between Us'' too. He said he didn't know it was written just a few years ago. Howard had the song start and he started to talk it up like he was WNBC. He said he was so confused by the WNBC thing. He said he heard Imus say WNBC and he tried to do it the way he did it and he was told that was wrong.
Howard played the song again and talked it up. He said Gavin has some good riffs. He said he's not fucking around. Howard said the song came out in 1999. He said he didn't realize that. Howard said he has to get to some OJ stuff and then do the news. He said tomorrow Nikki Glaser is coming in to tell some jokes she didn't use. He said Nick Cannon is coming in on Wednesday. He said he has to ask Nick about coming out with Ken Jeong on the Emmys. He said he will ask him about that when he's in there. He said he was caught in the headlights of that guy's bit. He said he doesn't know his work. He said he thought his name was Ken Jeong Un too.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he got his blood work. Howard said this is what he's going to talk about this on Ellen. Jeff said he got his blood test and asked if they want to hear it. Jeff said his NA, whatever that is... Howard said he's going to do this on Ellen. Jeff said his K is 420. Jeff said his CL is 97.0 which is low. He said his CO2 is 30. His glucose is high at 101. Howard said he hasn't heard a story as good as this since Simon was on Ellen. Jeff said his BUN is 13.0. Howard said wow. Jeff said his CREA is... Howard cut him off and asked what would make him think he would want to hear this. Jeff kept going. Howard asked if this is better than Simon Cowell. Robin said it is.
Howard asked if he's serious with this. Jeff said he was told that if he had any bad news he'd get a call from the doctor. IF there was no bad news they'd just send the report. He said that means he's good. Howard thanked him for the call and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said he was informed not to do the OJ stuff right now. He said it will take too long. He said it's getting too late. He said if he dos it they'll get out of there at noon.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has the results from the book club from his book. He said they have 43 people in the book club and 43 people bought his book. He said when he's on Ellen he can sneak in the words ''book club'' and he'll hear how many people are into it. Howard said he wants to go on the show and just tell people it's an excellent gift to give for Christmas and walk off. He said that's all he wants to do. Robin said that's basically what Gwyneth Paltrow was doing on the red carpet at the Emmys. She said Jenny McCarthy asked her about the new TV show she has and all she did was tell her what time it's on.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves the show and she has to hear the whole show. Howard said he feels like he could get her. The caller said he could. She said she thinks about that. Howard asked if she's a hot teacher. She said she thinks she is. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's 51 but she looks 30. She said she loves when Howard does the bits about his parents. She said that's the best. Fred played Van Halen's ''Hot for Teacher'' while they were talking.
Howard asked what color hair she has. the caller said she has curly blond hair. She said she's told she looks like Shakira. Howard said she's hot. She said she's also a Shuli fan. Howard said that's excellent. He let her go a short time later.
Howard let ''Hot for Teacher'' play for a second before moving on. He said that's a great song.
Howard took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who said he has ringworm and he's doing a urine therapy thing. He said he uses urine with two parts water. Howard asked why he would do that. He said he just sent two staff members to a urine drinking convention. He said he can't think of a worse thing to do. He said a lot of black people are doing that and he had no idea. He said there were a lot of black people at the convention. Howard asked the guys when they're going to play that report. Gary said it's going to be a few weeks. Howard asked if it's true there were a lot of black people there. Gary said they say it was maybe 85 percent black people. Ed said his guy is a black guy. He said he's a holistic healer.
Howard said Ed's energy level has really gone up. Ed said that's from doing this. Howard said he's being sarcastic. Ed asked if he thinks it's going to work. Howard said no.
Howard had Shuli come in to talk about this. Shuli said in the past Ed had problems with rectal itch and he'd scratch it with a toothbrush. He said he lost that in the house and he may have used it as his actual toothbrush. Ed said he only has lower teeth.
Howard asked if he's drinking this urine or not. Ed said he is. He said it seems like it's taking it away. Howard said he's disgusting.
Howard said he has Super Low Energy Guy on the phone. He claims to have less energy than Ed. It was Chris Wilding on the phone doing his impression of Ed with slightly less energy than Ed. Ed and Super Low Energy Guy talked about what they do to clear up problems. Super Low Energy Guy said he eats his feces to clear up his acne. Ed said that's disgusting.
Howard said Ringworm is something solvable with medication. He said you can put a cream on it and it goes away. Ed asked how you catch it. Howard said maybe because he's filthy. Ed said he's clean. Howard asked Super Low Energy Guy how he got acne. Super Low Energy Guy said he got it from public pools.
Howard said he has Super Duper Low Energy Guy who eats his own jizzum. He took that call and that guy said he uses his jizz for migraines. Ed said that's evil. Howard said he's in no place to criticize. Howard thanked the guys for calling in. Ed asked why the show is so gay. He asked Shuli if he can come to his show. Shuli said probably not. Ed said he knows the hotel he's staying in. Shuli said this is his nightmare. Ed said he's going to meet him there. Shuli said he's yet to book anything. Ed said he can stay at his house.
Shuli asked if he's still shitting and pissing in a bucket. Howard said he has to get out of this. He said now he's late from this guy. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard said it's time for Robin's news. They played Robin into it with a song parody. Howard said they have so much to get to. He said he was going to do a tribute to Eric the Actor but they'll do that tomorrow. He said he has to talk about OJ tomorrow too.
Robin started her news with a story about Billy Porter making a speech when he won an Emmy last night. Howard asked if he was the one with the cowboy hat. JD said it was. Robin said he's the first black, gay man to be awarded as a leading actor. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Robin said they had a Family Guy segment that mocked Roseanne Barr and Bill Cosby. Robin had audio of that too.
Robin read a story about Demi Moore writing a tell all book. Howard said he heard some highlights and it sounds pretty awesome. Robin said she says she had some threesomes with Ashton Kutcher. Robin said she says he used that as an excuse when she caught him with another woman that wasn't with her. Howard said that's what he's trying to tell Brent. Howard asked if Ashton is upset about the book. Robin said he wasn't commenting on it.
Howard said if Ashton wants to come in and tell his side of the story he's welcome. Robin said Mila doesn't want to hear that. Howard said she would benefit oh so much.
Robin read a story about Dennis Rodman making a claim about Madonna. She had some audio of Dennis talking about how she offered him $20 million to get her pregnant. Robin said he claims he did it and tried to get her pregnant. She had him fly into New York from Vegas and then flew him back to Vegas. Robin said she didn't get pregnant and Dennis didn't get the 20 million.
Robin read a story about Jessica Jaymes passing away at the age of somewhere between 40-43. Robin said she has done the show many times. Robin said she saw on her bio that she was a hustler honey in 2004. Robin said she was on the Howard Stern Show numerous times. Robin said they don't know the cause of death yet. Robin said her husband found her dead after not hearing from her for a few days. Robin said she did have a history of seizures according to TMZ.
Howard said Bridget the Midget was arrested for stabbing her boyfriend in the leg. Howard said she still goes by Bridget the Midget which isn't politically correct. He said it's funny that she stabbed him in the leg. Howard read the article that described the fight. Robin said the guy was taken to the hospital with non life threatening injuries. Howard said they've had her on the show many times too. He said she's 3'9'' and her real name is Cheryl Murphy. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said how about that guy Takashi69 who had the number 69 tattooed on him a bunch of times. He said he got in trouble for squealing on the bloods. Howard played his song ''Gummo'' for Robin. Howard said you have to be really into the N-word to listen to that. He said his name in court is Daniel Hernandez. Howard read some details about the guy and what he's in trouble over. Howard said he has the number 69 on his body over 200 times. Howard said the 69 thing has to be a turn off for the women that date him. He said Ronnie gets all worked up over that number too. Fred played the Ronnie drop where he screams ''Sixty nine!'' a bunch of times during that discussion. Howard said Ronnie is a huge fan of that position. Robin said Ronnie is a big fan of every sexual position.
Robin read a story about Charlie Rose and how there's a new lawsuit against him. Robin said this one is a makeup artist who worked on Charlie on his show. Robin said she claims that she was subjected to some abusive behavior and gender based abuse while she worked on his show. Howard said Charlie seemed so boring that you'd never expect it. He said his show as on public broadcasting. Robin said it was on Bloomberg by the time this happened. Howard said it's always guys like that who have something dark going on. Robin read about him appearing nude in front of these women and Howard said he doesn't get that. He said the guy is old. He said women don't want to see that. He asked if Robin thinks he still gets girls even while this is going on. Robin said she doesn't know. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a guy named Troye Sivan who is a gay singer and he sings about his sexuality. Robin had some audio of one of his songs where he sings about anal sex. Robin had a couple of songs for Howard to play. Robin said Troye got upset when an interviewer asked about his sex life. Robin said Troye spoke out about it on social media.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk and said he already spoke to him today. Jeff said he was wondering if he gets to California is he welcome on the show. Howard said he swears he likes him but he has the worst stories. He said his blood test story was the tip of the ice berg of boring. He asked what he's going to do in L.A. that he won't do in New York. He said he doesn't even have him on the show in New York. Jeff asked if he can go to the Ellen show. Howard said sure because he looks just like her audience. Howard said that's up to her. Howard said he feels bad now. He said he doesn't want to load people up on the show. Jeff asked if they're doing shows live out there. Howard said of course. He said he's not going to have an audience. He said if he was doing something with a live audience he'd invite him. Howard said if he was Ellen and Jeff was here they could surgically remove his arm or something. He said that would be good television. Jeff said it would be. Howard let Jeff go and did a live commercial read.
Robin had Howard play a song by Sam Smith and said that you should refer to him as they or them. Howard said okay. Howard said that's how he refers to Fred. Fred said that's not bad. Howard asked what that is. Robin said that's the pronoun for people who consider themselves binary. Howard asked if they like both sexes. Robin said they don't identify as man or woman. Howard asked what Emmy they would win. Robin said they're not on TV. Howard asked what they can win at the Grammys. Robin said they can win anything there.
Robin said they have to talk about why they should never negotiate with the Taliban. She said she saw some Afghani women playing soccer and these women were talking about what would happen to them if the Taliban got control of Afghanistan. Robin had some audio of the woman talking about how free she feels playing soccer. The report says that if the Taliban gets control there then they won't be allowed to leave the house without a male companion. Howard said what a horrible hellhole. Robin said this country should not be negotiating with the Taliban.
Robin read about Antonio Brown and how more stories came out last week so the Patriots let him out of his contract so now he says he won't play football anymore.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what his thoughts on the Navy are. Howard said we need boats. The caller asked about the UFO sightings. Howard said don't call him about UFO sightings. He said he saw the pictures of UFOs. He said he's going to say it one last time. There is no such thing as aliens. He said UFOs don't come from another planet. He said they would not be hiding from us. He said they'd be laughing at us if they came here. He said you don't hide from flies. He said there is no other life out there. He said we'll never see it. He said if there was intelligence and they visited they wouldn't have to hide. Robin said you can't think like a human because they aren't human. Howard said if they're here to visit what are they hiding? He said if you can come here in a saucer that can fly sideways you can come say hello and leave. He said this planet is a fluke and that's why we have to take care of it. He said this planet is the only one out there that has any of this going on. He said it's a fluke and a miracle. He said this isn't happening somewhere else. He said we get excited about a little water on Mars. He said get excited about the water on this planet and take care of it. Howard said the people gathering at Area 51 are fools. He said if Trump knew something about aliens there he'd be blabbing it all over. He wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut.
Robin read a story about this 16 year old Greta Thunberg who came over here by boat to talk to Congress. Robin had some audio of her talking about global warming. Robin said some other people spoke. She went over what some of those people said.
Robin read a story about Cory Booker's campaign running out of money. Robin said he may have to leave the race by the end of the month.
Robin said Trump is at his Trump Tower and it's UN week. Robin said today is a grid lock alert day. Howard said they start in with that and you can't get around. He said he wishes he could move the show somewhere rural. Robin said Trump is skipping the global warming meeting with the UN and going to a religious freedom meeting instead. Howard asked when he became such an expert.
Robin had some audio of Trump defending himself over a conversation he had with someone from the Ukraine. Trump said the press is having a bad week with all of these stories. Robin said he mentioned Joe Biden's son and asked them to investigate over in the Ukraine. Robin said they're not going to release transcripts of that discussion.
Robin read a story about Iran and how tensions are rising over there.
Robin read a story about Miley Cyrus and her breakup with a woman she was seeing for a month.
Robin read a story about Alec Baldwin and all of the kids he's got at home. Robin said his wife is pregnant once again.
Robin read a story about the box office and how Downton Abbey was number one this weekend up against Rambo and a Brad Pitt movie. Robin said ''Ad Astra'' and Rambo both pulled in $19 million while Downton Abbey pulled in 33 million. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was just talking to Jon Hein and he's still worked up about the Emmys. He said he's upset about it because TV is his hobby. He said the ratings were at an all time low. He said they had them up against football so of course they're going to be lower. He said if NBC had them they'd put the Emmys up on a Monday instead of a Sunday. Robin said it's been on a Sunday for a long time now. Howard said there you go.
Howard said that show that won all the Emmys called Fleabag was horrible. Robin said Gary said it was great. Howard said Gary likes shit that he doesn't like. Gary said he recommended Killing Eve too. He said he only remembers the one.
Howard said he didn't mention this but the Emmys are stupid. He said that show Fleabag was horrible. He said the woman is horrible to watch. He said he loved Killing Eve and he's glad they gave the Emmy to the blonde woman on the show Killing Eve. He said she deserved it. He said the woman who won all of the awards didn't deserve it. He said the show was boring. Robin said she only got through one episodes. Howard said his wife fell asleep. He said he tried to stay up and watch it. He said he watched for like 20-25 minutes and it was over. He said he didn't care about her and her sister. He said they weren't likeable. He didn't like her accent either.
Howard said he has Damon Feldman on the phone. He said he was the guy behind the Lenny Dykstra and Bagel Boss guy fight. Howard said in the email people are pissed at Lenny. He said he knew they were going to say he was a pussy. He said Lenny isn't a pussy. Howard read some of the email he got about Lenny backing out of the fight before he got to Damon.
Howard took the call from Damon who said he pulled out of the fight and he has been financing the guy for the past month. He said he advanced him $15,000. He said that's not including the ticket sales and all of that. He said they have calls out to Danny Bonaduce. He asked if anyone there will step into the ring. He said they have 5 days to promote it. Robin said that's a terrible time to pull out.
Howard asked if he had a contract with Lenny. Damon said they do and it has a cancellation agreement. He said he's going to give Lenny until Friday to pay him back. He said this is a big black eye on what they've done.
Howard asked why he would think that he could trust him to do this. Damon said he was trying to give the guy a chance. He said he thought it would be interesting because he's in the area. He said he felt he would have more attention there and he could get back into the spotlight in a positive manner.
Howard said Shuli was in discussion with them for a while. Howard said Shuli was looking for like 50 grand. Damon said Shuli said no yesterday when he asked. He said he will take any of his guys. Howard asked if anyone here wants to do it. He said he'll check. No one was taking it. Howard asked what kind of money he can give. Damon said the best they can do right now is about $10,000. Howard said if JD fought he'd have a heart attack. Howard asked how many push ups he's doing a day now. JD said 100 but he's not going to fight.
Howard said he might have someone for him. He took a call from fake Charlie Sheen who said he's up for it. He said he wants to fight this Bagel Boss dude. Charlie said he hasn't been doing anything and now no one is talking about him. Howard said there was a time when people were saying ''Winning!'' and talking about tiger blood. He said now he doesn't see him anywhere. Charlie asked where he went. He said he's not even sure. He said he can't get a table at Red Lobster. Howard gave up on the bit saying he was working too hard there.
Howard asked Damon who else he's reached out to. Damon said they reached out to Screech and Danny Bonaduce. Howard said maybe someone like Billy Baldwin. Howard asked if he can hear him talking because he kept talking under him. Damon apologized.
Howard said Bagel Boss Guy isn't exactly the most threatening looking guy. He said maybe he can fight climate change girl (Greta Thunberg). Damon said yeah. Howard said he thinks maybe President Bush would be a good one. Damon said he has to get someone. He asked if he can announce on the show tomorrow who it is. Robin asked if he's heard from anyone. Damon said he has to pick someone by noon today.
Howard said he wasn't that excited about Lenny. He asked about Snookie. He asked what happened to her. Howard said he has Bobcat Goldthwait on the phone too. He took that call from fake Bobcat who was willing to fight. He said he's a mover and a shaker. He said he's pitching Police Academy 16 right now. Howard said they'll have to get in touch with him.
Howard said how about Naked Cowboy. Damon said he talked to him last year. He said that's a good idea. Howard said he has to get someone like Joe Piscopo. Damon said that's a good one too. Damon asked Howard to reach out to him. Howard said no. He said that's Damon's job. Howard asked how he became his friend. He said he has his own job there.
Howard said all he knows is that Damon puts together these fights. He said how about Louis C.K.. He said he can have a comeback. He said he has another guy on the phone. He said he has Mel Gibson who needs a comeback. Fake Mel was on the line saying he wants to fight.
Howard said this must be a horrible business to be in. He said anyone with anything going on isn't going to fight. Damon said that's why they call him the 16 minute man. He said they're making a movie about him. Howard said he's some guest. He said he's trying to make him interesting but it's not working. Howard said with his business it's worse than Dancing with the Stars. He said once you're on that show it's pretty much over. He said people think they get on there and they'll get a job. He asked who it has worked out for. Robin said Alfonso Ribero. She said he's doing the America's Funniest Home Videos. She said Mario Lopez was on there too. She said it doesn't happen often. Howard said he imagines them trying to get a season together and it's depressing. He said they could get someone like Olivia Jade. He said Felicity Huffman is another on. He said they have to find someone really down. He said with this celebrity boxing it's even harder. He said Damon's job is a hard one.
Howard said he'd ask Shane Gillis and Antonio Brown to fight or something like that. He said Damon has to scramble to find someone to fight. He said someone like Tanya Harding.
Howard said he likes thinking about people who would fight. He said he was thinking about Charlie Rose and Harvey Weinstein. He said that would be a good fight. Howard said maybe Andy Dick. Damon said he reached out to him and didn't hear back. Howard said that is a tough job. He said imagine you reach out and can't get a hold of Andy Dick. Howard was trying to once up with a name. He said how about Farrah Abraham the Teen Mom. Damon said she pulled out of a fight last year. He said she was going to fight Shaq's ex-girlfriend. Howard said here has to be someone like The Situation. He said that guy might be too big for it.
Howard said he has to find someone. Damon said he's not desperate but he's pissed. He said he likes doing the fights with his show. He said Howard has done fights on his show. He said he would love to do another one. Howard said how about Michael Lohan. Damon said he has tried with him in the past. Howard said how about OJ Simpson. Robin said he'll kill Bagel Boss guy.
Howard said he has some real advice. He said go on Cameo. He said there are a ton of hard up celebrities on there. He said if they're on there they'll fight.
Howard took a call from fake Andy Dick who was saying he'll fight that guy. He said he'll slap him around.
Howard said how about getting Howard K. Stern. Damon said he reached out to him years ago. He said he likes the Howard Stern name. Howard said how about Jackie the Joke Man. He said he's always looking for something. He said how about Michael Rapaport. Robin said he wouldn't do it. Damon said he'd like to get him on board for a fight. Howard said maybe Anthony Scaramucci. Damon said that's a great one. He asked if he has a contact. Howard said he doesn't have any. He said he doesn't want to do any work for this. Howard said he's not going to contact these people for him.
Howard said maybe Sailor Brinkley or Coolio. Damon said he already fought for him. Howard said how about Dean Cain. Damon said he did say he was interested when he ran into him at an event. Damon asked if he can announce tomorrow. Howard said he already said yes. He said he has work to do so get out there. He let him go after that.
Howard said that guy thinks he's there to help with his fights like he cares. He said he's talking under him a lot too. Howard said it's so great. He said they have to find someone who has a name in show business but they're so desperate that they'll get in the ring with the Bagel Boss guy. Howard said he wants to figure out who he's going to announce tomorrow. Howard figured it would be someone like Ernie Hudson. He said for a guy who won all of his fights it sounds like he took some blows to his head. He said he needs him to make this happen too.
Howard said that's some business. He said he must make money doing it. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Howard said the Bagel Boss guy is up for the fight. Robin said she thinks his 15 minutes of fame is up. Howard said it is a little late for this.
Howard said Little Mikey wants to fight the guy. He took the call from Mikey who said he'd do that fight. Howard said he's not sure anyone would be interested in seeing that. Mikey said he'll do it if he's desperate enough. Howard said that's the kind of guy you get. He said you have to explain who Bagel Boss guy is. He said people know who Lenny is. He said they don't know who Mikey is or who the Bagel Boss guy is.
Howard said he's not sure they could even get Lou Bega or the Wassup guys. He said they could get the guy who wrote ''Who Let the Dogs Out'' or someone like that. He said he'd probably fight. Fred said that was Baha Men. He played some of that. Howard said he thinks they might be able to get Adam Barta to fight. Howard said he can't wait for Damon to call in tomorrow announcing they got Cellino and Barnes the attorneys from the TV commercials. Howard said he likes that he wanted to find someone on the staff to fight. He said he can pay $10,000 to fight.
Robin asked if he thinks Lenny took him for a ride. Howard said he hopes Lenny pays him back. Howard said he thinks they're paying their staff too much there. He said they don't have to take this 10 grand. He said they don't want to fight.
Howard asked what the estimate was on his car damage. Erik said it was $8,000. He said now he has a license but no car. Gary said that's half the cost of the car. He paid like $17,000 for it. Howard said he got in two accidents in one day.
Gary said Shuli thinks he's lying about the amount of damage. He said he was claiming he got it backing out of his driveway. Howard said that's not what he said on the show yesterday. He got it on the highway. Howard asked if anyone is listening to the show out there.
Howard read some feedback about Erik getting his license. He had people scared for their lives out there. Howard said people were upset with him using cop lights in his car too. Erik said he took the lights out of his car. Robin said he's lying about that. Erik said he went to the shop yesterday and took them out. He said he's going to throw out the lights. Robin said she doesn't know about that. Howard read more feedback about Erik getting his license. Someone said he might be the greatest Wack Packer of all time because of this. Howard said he did confess yesterday that he whips out his shield and uses his police lights in traffic. Erik said he's not going to do that anymore. He said he has his PBA cards if he gets pulled over. Howard asked what he's going to do with them. Erik said he has his name on them as High Pitch Erik. He said they have their phone number on the back of the card.
Howard asked if Erik is concerned that he had two accidents already. Erik said he knows he has to be more careful. Erik said he went to he collision center and he had damage on his car and there was no damage on the other car. Robin asked what it means that there was no damage on the other car. Erik said he knows he has to be more careful. Howard said he's making no sense. He said his parents stopped talking to Erik years ago. Erik said the other day he drove up to his father's house to surprise him. He said he couldn't believe he passed his road test. Robin said he's like all of us.
Erik said his father asked if he has to stay off the roads now too. Howard said it's unbelievable. Erik said he may start driving for Lyft or Uber. He said that would be a good way to make money. Howard said he should not be driving anyone around.
Howard said Erik didn't have insurance to pay for the damage. Erik said he's going to get it after the car is fixed. Howard said imagine they read in the paper an insurance company goes out of business because of all of his accidents.
Erik said when he gets to Los Angeles he's going to rent a car and drive to the Sirius studios. Howard asked Robin if she was stranded on an island would she rather have Erik to talk to or a ball like Tom Hanks had. Robin said she would rather have the ball.
Erik said if he was on an island and he had food he would share it with her. Howard said no he wouldn't. He said he'd keep it for himself. Erik said he wouldn't.
Howard took a call from a guy, Tommy, who said the PBA card isn't going to help Erik. He said if it's a minor thing he might get off. The caller said they have zero tolerance for stuff like this. He said he drives an unmarked unit and he had a guy try to do a traffic stop on himself. He said he let him pull him over and he got out in full uniform. He said that guy got arrested and they impounded his car and searched his home. He said if you impersonate an officer they will search your home. Howard said of course. He said if you impersonate an officer you might be up to other things. Erik said right.
Howard asked Tommy if he would fight Bagel Boss. He said he's been on the show enough to get into that. Tommy said he's not sure if he could handle that guy. Howard said they can't even get this guy to fight Bagel Boss guy.
Erik said he spoke to Bagel Boss Guy's management and they want to separate from him after what he did at a comedy club a few weeks ago. He said he threatened a female comedian. He said they're going their separate ways with him after this.
Howard said he has Bobo on the phone to lecture Erik on his driving. He said that might be funny. Howard took the call and Bobo gave Erik some advice on how to drive. He told him what to do if he gets pulled over. He told him to drive at a distance so he can see the tires of the car head of him on the road. Howard didn't get what he was saying. Fred tried to explain.
Howard said that was boring. He let Bobo go. Bobo gave him a ''case closed!'' thing. Howard said he hates when Bobo tries to be funny. He said he comes up with a line like that and thinks it's funny.
Erik asked if he can have the Bobo puppet while he drives the car. He said he can put it in the back like a child. Howard said he has to go. Erik said he loves him. Howard thanked him for that. Robin asked if he has to hear that back. Howard said he doesn't like that he's out there crashing into people. Erik said he'll be more careful. Howard said he doesn't think he will. He said he thinks he'll have a false sense of confidence and he's going to be a danger to drive. Robin asked what the rule is for how far behind you should be. Erik said it's 3 car lengths. Howard said he has to go. Erik asked if Ronnie has been in a car accident. Howard said Ronnie is a really good driver. He said he's never been in one that he knows of. He said he's never been in the car when he had one. Robin said he doesn't know of any since he's been with him. Robin said Erik had 2 in his first day of driving with a license.
Howard said Erik is the guy who has threatened to stab people 50 times and he never learns. Erik said he hasn't done it lately. Howard said he told him not to do it and he did it 50 more times. Erik said he hasn't done it lately though. Howard said he doesn't believe him because of his past promises. Howard said he has to go. He let Erik go and said imagine if he kills someone out there. He said it's not going to be good.
Howard said Damon called Gary yesterday saying he was desperate. He said he told Gary this put a black eye on the celebrity boxing community. Howard asked what community there is out there. He said most people you're not sure are even celebrities. He said even Bagel Boss guy is a stretch. He said he should invite the lady from Fleabag. He said she's sort of a celebrity at the moment. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said he was thinking about this last night. He said he was thinking back in the history of television and thinking about how ridiculous the Emmys and radio hall of fame are. He said if you last in radio more than a few months you deserve to be in the hall of fame. He said guys like Booker or Bubba the Love Sponge should all be in there. He said they've all managed to have long careers in radio. He said it's almost impossible to make a living and be treated well in radio. He said the Emmys have good actors but it's all an absurdity.
Howard said he was thinking about this woman Virginia Graham who had a show. He said she had a way about her. He said he'd watch her with his mother and they'd do cooking or talk. He said it was like having one of your aunts on TV. He said she was probably the first woman to have her own talk show and now she's a big nobody. He said no one does a retrospect of her.
Howard said he was thinking about Joan Rivers and how people forget that she sat in for Johnny Carson. He said she was a permanent guest host for Johnny. He said that she was such a big deal back then. He said you'd write down when she was going to be on. He said she got bigger ratings than Johnny. He said then she drops dead and people act like she was just a goofball. Robin said he doesn't know how people will treat him when he's gone.
Howard said Joan died 5 years ago this month. He said he just wanted to mention that. Howard said Joan wasn't treated with respect.
Howard said Sasha Baron Cohen was mistreated at the Emmys. He said he did that show ''Who is America'' that was so great. He said he didn't win. He said the show had such balls. He said it was brilliant. He said Gotham didn't get any Emmys either. He said they were nominated in some category.
Howard said this show ''Prodigal Son'' was good. He said he watched that last night. He said he liked the show. He said this investigator is the son of a serial killer and he can solve cases. He said he's like a super hero. He said it looks promoting. Robin said the show Emergence looks good too. Howard said he doesn't like that.
Howard said Willie Nelson is amazing. He said back in the 80s they did this Farm Aid benefit thing. He said they do it every year. He said Bonnie Raitt showed up and she's so great. He said she plays the slide guitar like no one else. He said he saw her when he was at Boston University. He said he saw her perform with someone. He said she looked good and she was playing well. He said she's fucking awesome. Gary said she's 69. Gary said she'll be 70 in about 5 weeks. Robin said she's out on tour. She said she has a friend who just saw her performing with Government Mule and some other bands. Howard said she was good on there.
Howard played a clip from 2002 when Eric called in for the first time. He wanted to meet Kelly Clarkson and Howard said he might be able to set that up.
Howard said they had High Pitch Erik call Eric as Kelly Clarkson once. He played that clip too. He said in addiction to being in a wheelchair he had a lot of physical conditions. He said he asked him about his foot that was turned around and he said this. He played a clip of Erik yelling ''I'm club fuckin' footed you asswipe.''
Howard said Eric had a lot of problems. He said he can point to some other things that Eric did. He said he asked Johnny Fratto to take a hit out on a guy. He played that clip where Eric asked Johnny to find that guy and ''You know what to do. You know what to do.''
Howard said Johnny's father was in the mob so he assumed that he knew what to do. Howard said Eric would have been a great Batman villain.
Howard said that might be the best Eric moment. He said then there's this one where Eric was on the show ''In Plain Sight'' and he insisted that they had to put in his rider that they protect him from werewolves. He said he wasn't going to go unless they put that in there. Howard said he tried to explain there is no such thing. He played a clip of Eric talking about how they say on Wikipedia that they do exist there in New Mexico. Eric said Johnny told him it's a real thing. Robin said there is no such thing. Eric said he doesn't know if there are or not.
Howard said that kid was deep. He said Eric would get so mad that he'd say he was quitting the show. He said he'd get frustrated and leave but he'd always come back. He said he pretended to be Derek from Texas to get back on the show. Howard played a clip from that day when Eric pretended to be Derek from Texas.
Howard said they should mention flying with balloons because they wanted to do that with Eric. He said they wanted to fly him with a bunch of balloons and Jimmy Kimmel wanted to do it on his show. He said Eric would agree to do it and then back out of it. He said they went back and forth on that. He said he was afraid he'd fly out a window if they opened it. Howard played a clip of Eric yelling at him about how he's not doing it. Howard said he agreed to do it. Eric told him he's not going to do it. He called Howard a big nosed jackass. Howard said he knows him and he knows he will fly with balloons. Eric said he will not.
Howard said Eric has been gone 5 years and he doesn't want to forget him. He said Eric left them way too soon and they speak his name. He said he was a giant among us. He played a song parody about Eric's passing and how much he's missed. They went to break after that.
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Howard said Nikki Glaser is coming in today. He said Billie Eilish will be in on Monday. He said she's making some good music. Robin said she and her brother are on a new Billboard chart for singer/songwriters.
Howard said he could talk about OJ here. He said he knows people want an update on Ronnie's trip to Las Vegas too. He said he also has Brent who is interviewing men for his wife to bang while he's in Los Angeles. He said that Katelyn has picked a guy to fuck while he's away. He said they both interviewed men. He said what happened was that the two of them interviewed men and they were looking for someone to fuck Katelyn. He said they had a pool of men and they picked two guys. He said one guy didn't show up so they picked the guy who did show up. He said it's pretty romantic. He said the one guy who showed up was picked.
Howard said Katelyn is allowed to fuck other guys and Brent didn't interview this guy. Robin said she can just go out and fuck guys. Howard said it was first represented to him that it was only a go if Brent was going to be in the room. He said Brent also has a date set up out in L.A.
Howard said Brent isn't just fucking, he's going on a date. He said according to Brent he's going on a full blown date. He said he's no just fucking. Brent said he's planning on just going out and having a good time. He said hopefully they have sex. Howard said he's going to have to romance her. Brent said yes. Howard laughed. He said he's single. He said it's not swinging anymore. He said this is dating. Howard said this is what people do when they want to find another partner. Howard asked if he's okay with his wife doing this. Brent said she doesn't sleep over with anyone. Howard said that's fine but she's going to fuck the guy and leave at 2 or 3 in the morning. Brent said when she's done having sex with the guy he's gone. Robin said Brent has never heard of someone finding the person they want to spend the rest of their time with. Brent said he has that with Katelyn.
Howard said Brent is saying that he's fine with it as long as the guy doesn't sleep over. Brent said that they have a good relationship. Robin said every discussion they've had has changed. Brent said that's what happens. Howard asked if they're going to stay in bed and cuddle. Brent said once she's done they go their separate ways. He said she doesn't do the cuddling with her.
Robin said Brent is going to be doing the cuddling thing. Howard asked if this guy can eat his food and stuff. Brent said sure.
Howard said the rules they had seem to change from week to week. Brent said sure. He said that's what happens. Howard said now Brent is going to go shack up with a woman out in L.A. He asked where he is with that. Brent said he's locked in with a date. He said that's it. Howard said he's single out there. Brent said he's not. He said he has permission out in L.A. to do this. Howard said he's told his wife that she can see this guy and other men if she wants. Brent said that's right.
Howard said he also heard that Shuli is going to be following him around and he'll be staying in the same room with him. Brent said he didn't agree to that. He said this is being forced on him. Shuli said he's giving it his all for this show to make this happen. He said Brent's only job is to get pussy out there. He said he's going to observe it. Howard asked if he's going on the dates too. Shuli said he's not going to throw a stick into the whole thing. He said he wants him to get laid. Howard asked if Shuli has permission to fuck another woman out there. Shuli said his wife is a square man. He said he can't do that.
Brent said that Shuli booked himself on the flight he's on right behind him. He said Shuli is like an hour away from the same airport. Howard said he heard about that. Shuli said he's going to take so many pictures of his head from behind.
Howard asked who is going to be covering Katelyn's fucking. Shuli said that's a great question. Howard said this is wild. He said it's amazing that they're doing this. Brent said it is his sexual orientation so it's not that wild. Shuli said this guy has already scored. He said this guy is going to fuck Katelyn. He said Brent has to find out what this woman's favorite music is.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said this is funny because Brent is going to be working his ass off out there in L.A. while Katelyn is at home having a party. Brent said they'll see how it all works out. Howard thanked Ralph for the call.
Howard said Ralph was over yesterday packing him up for his various radio and TV appearances. Brent said he's looking forward to the Bill Maher interview. Howard said he's not sure why he wants him on. He said he's going to do the show though. He said he really doesn't want to go to L.A. He said Ralph loves setting him up though. He said he told Ralph he doesn't want to go. He said he wanted him to just get the clothes there and he'll wear them. He said Ralph is coming with him out there. He said he could just pop the clothes on but Ralph has to make sure they fit right. Howard said he told Ralph not to pack him any suits. He said he told him to pack regular clothes. He said Ralph said he has the same vision.
Howard said Ralph has to come so he has all of his clothes. He said he's going to visit his daughter out there first. He said he's going to go to the hotel and Ralph will have him all unpacked and ready to go. He said he hates this and it's like torture for him. He said he wants to wear the same thing every day like Rachel Maddow does. He said that's what he should be doing. He said Steve Jobs did that. He said he heard that Judith Regan did the same thing with her outfits. Shuli said Richard Christy wears the same thing every day. Howard said he literally wears the same clothes for days on end.
Shuli asked Brent if there was any discussion about Katelyn doing this at a hotel room. He said he respects what they do but in their bed is something that has to bother him as a man. Brent said they have some weird ideas about this. Howard asked what he says if the guy jizzes on his pillow. Brent said he'll be doing his own thing in L.A. Howard said he has a dog and he'll be petting the dog with the hand he put in his wife. Brent said the dog won't be there. He said the dog will be with the dog walker. Howard asked how you explain that to the dog walker. Brent said they scheduled the dog to be with the guy that night. He said the dog is protective of people. Robin said the dog isn't into Katelyn sleeping with another man. Howard said the dog loves Katelyn more than Brent does. Brent said that's not fair. He said he loves his wife.
Shuli asked if she can fuck the guy more than once. Brent said she's cleared for the whole weekend. Howard said the dog is going to be there when she has the guy over to fuck the next night. Howard said wow to all of that. He said he knows Nikki is there. He said she's great on these roasts. Brent said he saw her live at Caroline's and she was great. Shuli said she's killer on stage. Howard said he can't wait to hear the jokes she didn't use on the roast.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he is just fucking insane. He said his memory of what happens is so warped and weird. He said they didn't even pack for L.A. Ralph said they were doing other things. Howard said he's doing that so the audience doesn't know what he's up to. Ralph asked why he's so weird. Howard said he's not going into every detail. He said he's just doing the gist of their conversation. Ralph said he's making it sound so stupid when he says it. Howard said that's what he does for a living. He said if he tells the audience what they talked about they'd be snoring. Howard said get off his phone. He let Ralph go a short time later. He said he's a lunatic. Howard said he was making the conversation interesting. He said he thought Ralph got it.
Howard said here's the truth. He said Ralph isn't necessary to go to L.A. He said he just has to pull some clothes for him. He said he can get himself dressed. He doesn't need his personal dresser there. He said he was thinking about it and thought it would be easier if Ralph came to his room and pulled out his outfits. Howard said Ralph was on the bubble of going. He said he gets annoying when he takes him places. He said Ralph will have to brush him down or fix his sleeves and stuff.
Robin said she hopes that he brought underwear since he forgot once. Howard said Ralph had him pack one extra pair. He said he asked if he thought he was going to shit his pants or something. He said this is what happened. Shuli said he had a thing out in the Hamptons that Ralph was involved with. Howard said he'd get into that if Nikki wasn't there.
Howard said Nikki is hot. He said that she has jokes about her being ugly and he doesn't get that. He said they say she looks like a man or something. Robin said she's beautiful. She said he's not sure what that is about. Brent said she's hot. He said all of those guys would fuck her in a second. Howard said they have to take a break and get back to Brent and Katelyn later. He said he has to talk to Nikki. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and sang with the song a little bit. He said Nikki Glaser is here. He said she was on the roast of Alec Baldwin. He said this has to be early for Nikki. He said they stay out late. Nikki said she gets to bed around 1. She said she has a radio show there from 10 to 1. She said that's been going on for about a year and a half on Comedy Central radio. She said she has her friends on and she loves it.
Howard asked if she's going around town saying her life is at a 9 and her personal life is at a 2. He said it seems like things are going well. Nikki said she thinks she's not happy sometimes. She said she's a depressed person. Howard asked why she's so depressed. Nikki said she's not sure. She said she thinks too much. She said meditation helps. Howard asked if she's on medication. Nikki said she's on something called Trillinex or something like that.
Nikki said she felt sad after doing the roast. She said she thought she did well. She said she knew it went great and people would think that. She said she knew it could have been better. Howard said she wrote her own stuff. Nikki said she forgot 2 jokes that she knew would be great. She said she thought that it could have been that much better. Howard said he relates to this. He said he would go on Letterman and forget about doing something. He said he felt like he'd fucked up. He said his agent would tell him not to worry about it because no one knew. Nikki said she gets into the self hate for forgetting that. She said she had done the joke 20 times that week and she forgot about it. Howard said this is why she's a masterful comedian. He said the ones who don't care are the ones you never hear from again.
Nikki said she was the belle of the ball at the after party. She said they were all telling her how great she was. Howard asked what two jokes they were. Nikki said they were both about Alec. She said one was that Alec is so east coast and she appreciates that about him. She said that they have a saying about how it's not spring until you see Alec photographed in cargo shorts. She said she had one about his podcast called ''Here's the Thing'' and that's how she was introduced to Caitlyn Jenner back stage. Howard said she took a lot of shit on that show. Nikki said she didn't know she was going to be there until the last minute. She said she was going to do some jokes that she had to drop at the last minute. She said they told them no jokes about the car accident. She said that someone died in that accident. Nikki said Comedy Central said that they could do whatever they wanted but they saw her doing her set and she thought that they weren't going to do jokes about that. They didn't want to ask if it was okay so they asked them not to do those kind of jokes. She said they didn't want them to have the jokes that make people cry. She said they have done that at some of the roasts. She said those are the moments that people remember. She said that people will remember you if you do a joke about her accident.
Howard said he doesn't want that kind of thing in his life. He said you don't show up if you don't want the jokes. He said he was shocked that Alec showed up for that. He said he has a good sense of humor about himself.
Howard asked Nikki why they make jokes about her being ugly. Nikki said she's not sure. She said the ones that say she's not funny are the ones that get to her. She said that she just killed and they joke about her not being funny and they fail. She said they go for the looks instead.
Howard asked if she really gets affected by tat. He said she's a beautiful girl. Nikki said thanks for that. She said she does think about getting plastic surgery. She said she sees a guy in the mirror so many mornings. She said she looks like a hot dude without makeup. Howard said the roasts are ruining her life then. He said she's buying into it.
Howard asked what jokes are in her head that are getting to her. Nikki said it's the Luke Wilson jokes and the masculine features she has. Howard said she doesn't look like that. Nikki said there was a joke about her looking like the picture Caitlyn brought to the plastic surgeon as what she wanted to look like. Nikki said Howard saw her set. She said Blake Griffin was there and he's a hot guy. Howard said most of the jokes were about how he's half black and half white. Nikki said she said he looks like he was made by a printer running out of ink. She said she met him last year and she thought about how hot he is. She said she'd like to date a guy like tat.
Howard asked if she goes to the roasts looking to hook up with someone. Nikki sad she would like to meet someone there but not just hook up. She said she doesn't do that anymore. Nikki said she was doing jokes about how into him she was. She said she did a bunch of jokes about him and they didn't air. She said she went in hard. Nikki said that she was told that she should have been roasting him and not coming on to him.
Howard asked what her process is for writing jokes. Nikki said she Googles them and looks at pictures. She said you have to get into their world. She said it's hard to get into roast mode. She said she gets meaner in her personal life too. She said she gets mean to her friends. She said that's why she gets into this depression after a roast. She said you get into this negative place in your head. Howard said it's like going back to 5th grade and picking on someone. He said you take something and ram it down their throat.
Nikki said she gets into the roast and she wasn't able to do it at first. She said she was so out of practice. She said she asked some friends who sent her in jokes. She said then her mind starts clicking. She said she was listening to roasts and the best roasters to get into the mindset. Howard said Jeff Ross is the best. Nikki said he really is. She said they try to avoid each other before the roast so they don't get mixed up.
Howard said she goes out for a solid month or two and tries out the jokes on people. He asked if that's how she remembers them. Nikki said yeah. She said she had to hire a writer's assistant to help her. She said that she memorized most of the jokes about she had the teleprompter there. She said next time she won't have one. Nikki said she was writing 5 a night the two weeks before the roast. She said you go up in front of the audience and explain why you're doing these jokes.
Howard asked if they pay her well enough to spend so much time on this. Nikki said she pays people to write for her and she spent so much on that. She said they pay well but she spends so much. Nikki said they come to her after Whitney Cummings turns it down. She said she's begging Comedy Central to look at her views so they can offer it to her earlier. Howard said he knows her from the roasts. He said she's really good. He said he didn't know it was tearing up her life like this.
Howard said it's getting to her now. Nikki said she goes up and does the Blake Griffin thing and then he gets up and does jokes about how he'd never fuck her. She said she declared her love to him and then he says that she looks like Larry Bird. She said it really was insulting and hurt her feelings.
Howard asked if he has tried to hook up with her since then. Nikki said there has been a slide. She said that he might be setting her up. Nikki said she doesn't bang people unless she's dating someone. She said he'd have to be her boyfriend first. Howard said he'll do that for 2 weeks and get her. Nikki said she tells these guys she wont bang them until they are boyfriend and girlfriend. She said she was dating this guy for 2 months and then they banged and he had second thoughts about the relationship.
Howard said Nikki was on Dancing with the Stars and she got kicked off the first show. He said they just didn't know her. He said Caitlyn told her that was the worst thing that could happen to her. Nikki said she came up to her and said that and she may have been a little drunk. She said that she was thinking the car crash would be the worst thing to happen. Nikki said it's really devastating to have that happen to you. She said that Caitlyn was saying that the worst thing to happen to her son would be to get voted off Dancing with the Stars. She said she was thinking ''sex tape'' when she heard that.
Nikki said they don't even call you after you get kicked off the show. She said they ghosted her. She said she wasn't even invited to he finale. Howard asked if she fell for one of the dancers. Nikki said she fell for one of the other celebrities. She said it's impossible not of fall for your instructor. She said that you're in such close contact. She said she had never been touched so much. She said you're in this bubble. She said she wants to go on The Bachelorette and do that.
Howard said she is in show business and that's her problem. He said if you're not in the business then you don't want to fuck all of these guys. Nikki said she's attracted to guys who are doing the same thing she's doing. She said guys outside the business aren't as interesting and funny.
Howard asked who she fell for on Dancing with the Stars. She said she fell for that guy who won, Bobby Bones. Howard asked if she had sex with the guy. She said she didn't have sex. Howard asked if she blew him. She didn't say yes but she made it sound like that was it. Howard said she could have been Nikki Bones. Howard said the guy has a big following and he won because of that.
Howard asked how that happened. Nikki said they hooked up lightly at first. She said she was making out with him. She said she made him work for it. She said they did some light petting. She said she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend at the time. Nikki said then Bobby made his feelings known to her. She said as soon as she closed off the ex-boyfriend thing then Bobby stopped wanting her. She said he kind of ghosted her. She said that show is wild. She said she was in New York and he was in L.A. She said that they would sneak in trailers and stuff. She said they were very emotional and they talked about that. Howard asked who made the first move. Nikki said he made it. She said it was a lot of ''come on dude...'' and she has a lot of that. She said she's not good at flirting. She said she used to ask if they were going to make out and that's not what happens now. She said she was topless in his bed and he didn't seem interested.
Howard said he can't believe she was topless in Bobby Bones' bed. Nikki said she can't believe he gets to hear her saying that on Howard Stern. She said she went to be in his dance on the last show. He said the show didn't even invite her. Howard said he thinks it sounds like a good time with her. Nikki said she's just wasting this. Howard said she has a great figure. Howard asked how tall she is. She said she's 5'9''. Howard said he'd think that Bobby would be kicking himself for losing her.
Howard said she had to move real fast with this guy. He asked how he didn't close the deal with her. Nikki said he could have. She said she can always be convinced. She said if she's horned up enough she can be convinced. She said they were face timing a lot and then she starts to psychoanalyze them. She said that might be what was happening. She said that guys want to be her and not be with her. She said they ask her a lot of question about her life and don't want to be in her life. She said they want her life.
Howard asked if Bobby saw her more as a mentor. She said she thinks she opened him up and when he didn't want to be with her. She said he didn't want the intimacy. She said she gets that a lot with guys. Howard asked if she was heartbroken. Nikki said no because she saw it coming. She said they were texting until that hook up and then they cum and you don't hear from them again. She said then it was no more communication. She said she got ghosted by this guy she spent so much time on. Howard said dating is so tough.
Howard asked if she's on that Raya app. Nikki said she is. Howard said he doesn't get it. He said he's not sure what the problem is. He said she should be ghosting guys. Nikki said she can get dates but it takes a lot. Howard said maybe she's too chatty. Nikki said she might be. Howard said he's all about that. He said he wants to hear her say something. Nikki said she's not super needy. She said she's a dream girl. She said she thinks she's the total package.
Howard said he wants to know why she's the best girl. Nikki said she doesn't care if the guy hooks up with someone if she's not in the same city. Howard said he doesn't need that. He said that's turn off. He said he wants her to be so into him that she'd be jealous. Nikki said he wants a guy to go hook up with someone and maybe get a blow job. She said it's nice to hear that a woman is so into a guy she's into. She said it gets her horned up. She said she likes to hear about past hook ups. Howard asked if she cares about him being in black face while they hook up. Nikki laughed. Howard said he could talk to her about this for the next 20 hours.
Howard said maybe what Bobby Bones is doing is trying to get her by hooking up with all of these other women. Nikki said maybe that's it.
Howard asked when she had sex last. Nikki said it was in May. Howard said she's a young woman. She said she has blown some guys lately but even that hurts. She said that she thought that wouldn't be hard but it's tough. Howard said she's swallowing their load. Nikki said they are inside you the rest of the day while they're not returning your texts.
Nikki said she used to skip blow jobs and now she's getting better at it. She said that she used to just skip that and have intercourse. Howard said it's vile down there. He said he felt bad for the women and didn't want that. Nikki said some girls love it. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. Nikki said they don't really like it. She said her Netflix special is coming out soon and she talks about all of that. She said she talks about how she found out about blow jobs and it ruined her life. She said that she can get into it now though. She said she can do some pretty filthy things. Howard asked if she does anal. Nikki said she has. She said she doesn't do it a lot. Howard said he has done it and it's not right. He said he's so happy that he's in your vagina that he doesn't need the ass. Nikki said it's so dirty and so disgusting and that's what she loves about it.
Howard asked what she has done. Nikki said she has eaten ass. She said she hates saying that. She said she will say she has licked a butt. She said she did it during makeup sex. She said it's so gross though. Howard asked how she did it. Nikki said she was doing the deep throat thing with the guy. She told Howard what position he was in. Nikki said she was on her back and blowing the guy. She said she was licking his balls and then she licked his ass. Howard asked if it had a taste. Nikki said it didn't taste bad. She said she hopes her parents aren't listening. Howard said it's comedy so none of it is true.
Nikki said this guy came immediately when she did that. She said she didn't have it up in there. She said she didn't even know what she was doing. She said it was in the morning so it was really weird. She said it was disgusting. She said she loves doing things like that though. She said she's such a prude and she loves doing these things.
Nikki said they went to brunch after and she said she couldn't believe that she did that to him. She said he didn't want to talk about it. She said she was so proud of herself. She said she felt like she could do anything after doing that. She said the first time she swallowed she felt like she could do anything. Howard said you can get diseases and things from that. Nikki said she doesn't do that kind of thing.
Howard said Bobby Bones could have had something like that. Nikki said she's not sure about that. Nikki said she feels like guys are afraid of that. Howard said the fact that she's on medication from being depressed is scary. Nikki said she had a lot going on in her life around the roast. She said she had a Netflix taping to do.
Howard said he wants to hear some of the jokes she didn't use in the roast. Howard said she must have some jokes about Caitlyn Jenner. Nikki said she did get the call about how she'd walk if she heard those jokes. She said when she heard that she was fine with it. She said when it was up in the air she didn't know what to do. Nikki said she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Howard said now they should hear the jokes she was going to do.
Nikki said she was going to say ''Caitlyn Jenner... what a beautiful woman... you killed 4 years ago.'' She had some other jokes about the car accident. She said she was going to say that she can't menstruate but she has blood on her hands.
Nikki said she called her a bad mother and that Stevie Wonder sees his kids ore than she does. She told Howard how she come up with some of those jokes. Nikki told Howard she had one joke about her being a Jenner and a republican so she's part of two groups that have fucked black men.
Howard asked if Caitlyn has a vagina. Nikki said she thinks she does. She said she was going to ask if she had a picture and then ask if it was Kylie's old lips. She said she was going to say that she saw Khloe without makeup and thought ''I could do that.'' She said she feels bad about that one because Khloe gets so much about that.
Howard said this stuff is so brutal. Nikki said it was. She said she had some stuff with Caroline Rae that they cut out. She said her set was like 12 minutes long and they cut it to 6.
Howard asked if that basketball player ever called her. Nikki said he sat down after he did the jokes about her. She said she had to sit there for 3 hours after that. She said that her friend Bonnie McFarlane told her they were cute. She said that she didn't want to entertain flirting with a guy who thinks those things. She said she was soured on him. She said she was talking to other people about things. She said Alec asked if she was married. She said she told Alec to tell everyone that she's single to help hook her up. Nikki said she's 35 and single and she wants a boyfriend.
Nikki said later in the show a commercial break comes. She said she's there with Blake, Chris Redd and Jeff Ross. She said that Alec comes up and asks her again if she's single. She said that he was wing manning her with Blake. She said that Alec told her not to fuck anyone on his side of the podium. She said then he drifts off. Howard asked what that means. Nikki said he was talking about the guys on her side. She said then he went off and they were just sitting there. She said that Blake tells her that he thinks that Alec just told her that Robert De Niro wants to fuck her. She said then Caitlyn came over to her and swung her arm around her and asked what was going on. She said it felt great that it was like she was hitting on her.
Howard said this is the stuff that's going on behind the scenes. He asked what went on with Blake. Nikki said she was hanging out and he wanted to go home so he was complaining. She said she was aware of where he was and she figured she was just going to leave. She said she went to the after party and she was posting stuff about the roast. She said Blake wasn't making any contact but then he sent her a DM. She said that they were both pretty blatant about what they wanted. She said she won't fuck him without him dating her though. She said that he thinks she's down but she's not that way. She said he's going to be sorely disappointed when he comes around. She said she would like to bang him some day.
Howard said he can't believe that she's on medication. He said maybe she's attracted to the wrong guys. He said maybe it's that she's on the road too much. Howard asked how many days she's out on the road. Nikki said she's doing the radio show Monday to Thursday and she works on the road on the weekends. Howard said all of the guys here are into her. Nikki said she loves the guys there.
Howard asked if she's going to get plastic surgery. Nikki said she will. Howard said don't touch those boobs. He asked what she's going to get done. Nikki said her face. She said that everyone has had stuff done. Nikki said she might get her lips done next week. Howard said look at Lisa Rinna. Nikki said she's getting the subtle stuff. Howard said don't do it. He said she'll look like a clown. Nikki okay. She said that's all she needed to hear. Robin asked what she thinks is going to happen if she does it. Nikki said she thinks she can get a hotter guy. She said she puts a lot of value on looks. Howard said look at him. He's a mess. Nikki didn't agree with that. Howard said he was slapped a yarmulke. He said he's accepted it. He said she has the tits and the looks. He said she has a nice body. Nikki said she loves her body. Howard said she has a beautiful face too. He said her teeth are nice too. He asked if she wore braces. Nikki said she did.
Howard said she has to stop thinking about this stuff. Nikki said she wants to get an ass. Howard said she has a nice ass. He said he doesn't want a big fat ass. Nikki said she wants something subtle. She said they can put in whatever they put in there. Howard said she's good. He told her not to do any of that. Nikki said okay. s
Howard said she's on a roll and she has a Netflix special coming out. He said this guy Bobby Bones looks like a nice guy. He said he has no beef with him but he's crazy. He said he should have fucked her. Howard asked if he got a blow job. Nikki said she needed practice. Howard asked why he gets the practice on him. Nikki said she's not sure what's going to happen.
Howard said Nikki is looking for a connection. He said the more successful the woman the less chance they have of getting a successful guy. Nikki said she looks at Pete Davidson and thinks he should be dating her and not someone like Kate Beckinsale. Howard said he should be thankful too.
Howard said the roast was fantastic. He said that she's got a show called U Up with Nikki Glaser. He said that's on the Comedy Central channel there at SiriusXM Pandora. He said it's on channel 95.
Nikki said Howard means so much to her. She said she can't even stay cool about this. She said she got to do the roast of Ronnie last year and that was fantastic. She said she listens to the show every day and she's been a fan for so long. She said this is the pinnacle of her career. Nikki said this is her number one goal. Nikki said she has watched Howard since she was a kid. She said she used to watch him on E!. She said there was a moment with her dad when she was doing stand up. She said one morning her dad said to her that it's hard to see her doing the show. She said her dad told her she's like Howard Stern by being so honest on stage. She said her career has been influenced by Howard so much. Howard said he was thrilled to have her on. He said he's really rooting for her. He said he wants her to be happy in her life. He said he thinks she's on the right track.
Howard said they should review. He said Nikki wants love and she's on a career roll. He said she ate ass one time. Nikki said she's not sure if she'll ever do it again. Howard said Robin is the same way. He said she doesn't look like Owen Wilson. He said even if she did he'd fuck Owen Wilson. He said he'd blow him at least or maybe stick his tongue up his ass.
Howard said if he was a single guy he'd ask her out in a flash. He said he'd think about that tongue up his ass. He said she's funny and he likes that. He said she really is funny. Nikki said she wants someone who is as funny as her and so many men aren't. Howard said she's the funny one. He said she doesn't need funny. Nikki said that so many guys are confused by funny. Howard said Mr. Perfect is out there. Nikki said she is into anyone who listens to Howard's show. She said that's the way to get into a discussion with her. Howard said he loves her and thinks she's terrific. Howard gave her some more plugs and started to wrap up with her. Nikki said her Netflix special is coming out October 1st and it's called Bangin.
Howard asked why she can't find a guy. Nikki said she has gone after a bunch of comedians she was into and they just fizzled out. She said there's still one guy she'll make out with at shows they do together but the guy never asks her out. Howard asked if Shane Gillis should have been fired from Saturday Night Live. Nikki said she isn't surprised he was. She said that if she said something like he did she'd expect to be fired.
Howard asked if she puts a lot of thought into what she wears at the roasts. Nikki said yes. She said she did two specials for Netflix and she wore a blazer and a hot thing under for the 1 hour special. She said she didn't want to be all tit. Nikki said she wishes she had dressed sluttier. Howard said she has to stop letting people run her career. Howard said they had this Maren Morris on the show and she was dressed hot. He said he'd like that song if she's hot or not. Howard said Nikki should be able to do the set in a hot outfit. Nikki said she doesn't want other people thinking about how she thinks she's hot and all of that. Howard said fuck that. He said just wear what you want. Nikki said she wore something really hot for this special she shot for the end of the year. She said Howard will love it. She said watch it on mute. Howard asked if she beats off a lot without the sex. Nikki said not really. Howard said he had a friend who was doing that and not going out enough. Robin told him to stop talking about her. Howard said Robin has a whole rack of vibrators back there.
Howard thanked Nikki for coming in. He said he's looking forward to her Netflix specials. He said especially the one in the sexy outfit. He said just wear what you want. He said dress sexy if you want to. He said if you've got it then show it off. Howard gave her some more plugs for her Sirius show and the Netflix specials.
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Howard did a commercial for sponges so he was talking about the stink from dirty sponges. He said he uses a dishwasher. He said when he has to wash without one he doesn't know if he got stuff clean enough. Robin said she uses really hot water to clean her dishes in the sink.
Howard said there's so much to get to but they had such a jam packed morning. He said Nikki had a lot of good stuff. He said she was great on the Alec Baldwin roast. He said Robert De Niro is pretty good at it too. He said he has a fun gene in there somewhere under that seriousness. He said it works. He said Alec is very effective. He said he loves the behind the scenes goings on. He said he likes to hear the jokes they didn't use. He said Comedy Central came to him all the time asking to roast him. He said he didn't want to do it. He said he has no desire to be roasted and do a free appearance on their network.
Howard said he doesn't want to hear all the truths about him. He said roast yourself asshole. He said he thought Alec Baldwin was a good sport. He said they were pretty brutal. He said his own daughter roasted him and she was pretty good. Howard said he will tell you about his own faults but he doesn't want people telling him what his faults are.
Robin said she did a roast once and Mario Cantone was one of the guys up there and he may never have gotten over it. Howard said someone said he's been in radio so long that he purchased Robin at a slave auction. Robin said Gilbert Gottfried said that she writes about being molested in her book and she was lucky he wanted her. Howard said the truth hurts. Howard said she's lucky her father paid attention to her.
Howard said Nikki didn't tell all of her jokes. He said she only told them a few. He said he has to get to the bottom of the Brent thing but they have to hold off until tomorrow. He said they haven't talked about Ronnie in Vegas who stat on stage with Aerosmith. He said it's out of control. He said they'll talk about that tomorrow.
Howard took a call from Wolfie who said he's willing to volunteer his services to keep an eye on Katelyn while Brent is in L.A. Howard said he might take him up on that. Gary said Brent has already committed to giving that to Chris Wilding.
Howard took a call from Balls who wondered how Nikki can't find a dude. He said she's so good looking and talented. Howard said she's in show business and it's hard to come down and be in a normal situation in a relationship. He said she's looking for someone who has something going on and that's hard to turn into a relationship. He said she's kind of a victim of her own success.
Howard said he didn't date that much. He said he went on a tear after his divorce but he met Beth about a year after. He said that was it. Robin said Howard was in bad shape. She said that's why he hooked up so fast. Howard said when he met Beth he knew he had to cut the nonsense. He said he's glad he did.
Howard said with Nikki isn't tough because guys are intimidated by women like that. He said he thinks it's sexy though. Balls asked why she has this bad self image. Howard said it's show business. Howard said he remembers looking at himself on the big screen with his movie and thinking about how hideous he was. He said women get evaluated every minute. Robin said look at what Cher did to herself. She said she plastic surgeried herself right out of movies. Howard asked if Robin has had surgery. Robin said other than her boobs no. Howard said Robin made her's smaller. He said he told her not to do it but she did it anyway.
Robin started her news with a story about fast food restaurants. Robin said they did a poll and found out which ones are highest rated. Robin said In and Out came out in first. Robin ran down a long list and Howard said Jon might have to do another book after all of these new places came out. Jon said they're all in his book ''Fast Food Maniac.'' Howard asked Jon to talk about why he doesn't have condiments on his burger. Jon said if the burger isn't good without the condiments then it's not going to be good with them. Howard said he's right about that. He said the fries are the same way.
Howard asked Jon if he would ever try a meatless burger. Jon said he has no desire to do that. He said he doesn't think it's healthy necessarily. He said when he goes out to eat he wants meat. Howard said if he tried it he wouldn't even know. He said he'd feel good about it if he ate it. Jon he's skeptical it would taste like it. Howard said he just wants Jon to try things. Jon said he does. He said he doesn't think it would taste the same. He said he will taste it but under protest. Howard said just be informed so you can have an opinion. Robin said a lot of places are picking up the meatless burgers. Howard said a lot of them taste like meat. Jon said he doesn't get the Burger King thing. He said he thinks if you go there you want a burger. Howard said they want to get everyone in there. He said he would go there if they had a great meatless burger. He said meat is disgusting. He said think about what you're eating. Jon said he tries not to. Howard said he should blind taste test Jon. Jon said he would do that. Howard said meat is dead. He said it loses it's nutrition. Jon said he respects that. He said he understands all of that. Howard asked why put the animals through that. Jon said there is nothing better than a steak at Peter Lugers. Robin said she used to tell Howard this stuff and now look at him. Howard said he's evolving. Robin said he was so mean. She said he took her out to dinner and he said he thought she'd cut out her meat restriction for dinner. Howard said he never said that. Robin said he did too.
Howard took a call from Jon Hein Audio Book clips. He had a conversation with Jon who was talking about fast food. That led to Howard asking real Jon what kind of fast food pizza he likes. Jon said he likes Dominos and Little Caesar's. He said he doesn't like Papa John's. Jon also told Howard that the fake meat burger at Burger King is no healthier than a real Whopper. He said it's got just as many calories in it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he tried that Impossible Burger and it felt like he was eating dirt. Howard said maybe they didn't prepare it properly. He quickly moved on and hung up on the guy.
Howard said Robin went to see the movie It over the weekend. He said he and his wife hate horror movies. Robin said it was really scary too.
Robin read a story about a couple that adopted a child and they say the kid is not a kid but an evil dwarf adult. Howard said he saw that. Robin said that was the plot of a movie called ''Orphan.'' Robin said they thought they were adopting a 7 or 8 year old kid and it turns out the kid was trying to have sex with the father. Robin said she saw this story and figure they saw the movie and think they adopted this kid from the Ukraine and now they have a dwarf adult. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Greta Thunberg being at the UN meeting about climate change. Robin had some audio of her speaking at the meeting. Howard said he digs her words but imagine being her parents. Robin said she's learning how to be an adult just like the adults she's talking to. Howard said this kid needs to go home and go to school. He said he likes her message though. Robin said she thinks someone put her up to it. Robin said she's not being heard. She said she's not talking to Howard, she's talking to people who don't have the same philosophy. Howard said he has Greta on the phone. He took the call from someone in the back office doing an impression of her yelling at Howard. Howard spent a little time talking to her before hanging up. He said that's enough of her. Robin said Trump responded to her saying that she seems like a happy young lady with a bright future.
Robin had some audio of this guy on FOX News talking about Greta and calling her a mentally ill 16 year old. One of the hosts went off on him saying that he's despicable for calling her that. The guy refused to take back what he said. Robin said they do say she has Asperger syndrome. She said she's not sure if that's a mental illness.
Robin read a story about Oprah Winfrey being on the Ellen show. Robin had some clips of Oprah talking about her very serious health scare. Oprah said she was just cleared yesterday. She had pneumonia. Robin said she had to take a bunch of antibiotics. Robin had more clips of Oprah talking about her issue and telling people to get their flu and pneumonia shots. Robin read about Savanna Guthrie and Kelly Ripa having pneumonia recently too. Howard said Oprah is running around like Robin and running herself down. He said that's why she got sick.
Robin said she saw a woman who was 107 years old being interviewed and she had many family members who got close to that age. Howard said it would be nice if you had a good attitude at that age. He said his mother doesn't have that. Robin said they asked this woman what her secret was and she said ''don't die.''
Howard took a call from fake Charlie Sheen who said he thought he had pneumonia but it turns out it was HIV. Howard thanked him for the call. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Demi Moore letting out a lot about her book on this press tour she's on. Robin said she thinks she's learning everything in the interviews. Robin said Demi has revealed she was assaulted at 15 years of age. Robin had some audio from an interview she did with Diane Sawyer. Demi claims her mother sold her for $500 to this man who raped her at the age of 15. Howard said that is a dark thing. Howard said that's the thing you struggle with in therapy. He asked how your mother can put you in harm's way like that. He asked how you love your mother after that. He said life is so complicated. Howard asked if Robin is healthier because she knows who her parents were. Robin said then you can forgive. She said if you're still at that ''I want your love'' stage then you have to include that behavior in your definition of love. Howard said how about if your mother let you get beat up at school every day and now that guy is taking care of everyone. He asked if there's something wrong. Robin said it all depends on where that person is in his life. Howard said this is hypothetical of course. Howard said lets say the mother would wash out this boy's doody stained underwear in front of his sister's friends in the sink. Robin said if he was that boy and a neighbor embarrassed him and humiliated him in that way, would he be taking care of that neighbor. Howard said hell no. He said he could have saved a lot of money on therapy with Robin's help. Howard said at least he liked it when his mother used the rectal thermometer on him.
Robin read a story about a recall on some blood pressure medicine that's being recalled because of some contamination with cancer causing stuff in it. Robin said the FDA is warning people to keep taking the medication because if you stop suddenly it can cause issues. Robin said guess who's on this. Howard asked who. Robin said she is. She said she's reading that you can't just stop it because it has long term effects. She said she has to call the doctor today. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said Robin has him worried that she's on this medication. Robin said she's worried too. Howard said hurry up and get the doctor on the phone. He said now his blood pressure will go up because of this.
Robin read a story about Jimmy Carter speaking up about the presidential run and he was asked about an age limit on running for president. Howard said he agrees with this. He played the clip and Carter said he doesn't think if he was 80 years old he would be able to handle the duties he had to deal with as president. Howard said you see what the presidency odes to people. He said it ages people. He said you have to get in there young. He said it's tricky. Robin said Jimmy also said that another 4 years of Trump would be a disaster. Robin had more audio for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about Karen Pence getting on social media to help get Trump reelected. Robin had some audio of her talking about what she likes to do and what she'll be sharing on social media. Howard wondered if she eats ass. He said maybe Mike likes that. Robin said anyone you call ''mother'' isn't doing that.
Robin read a story about Trump making a stop at the UN Climate Change Summit. Robin said he wasn't scheduled to go there. She said he was only there for 15 minutes. Howard said he's glad he went. Fred played a clip of Greta Thunberg saying ''How dare you!'' Howard asked how bad the traffic was yesterday. He said the UN traffic is bad. He said they should put it on Staten Island or something. He said put it in Ohio. Robin said they won't come then. Robin said so much shopping is done during this week. She said they love to come to New York. Howard said the traffic is so bad. He said it took 45 minutes to go 10 blocks. Howard said how about moving it to other countries every year.
Robin read a story about Trump making a pitch for religious freedom around the world. Robin said he says that religious freedom is big in the United States. She said he said it's one of the top priorities in the world. Howard said religious persecution is so ridiculous. He said we don't know if it's real. He said people are just afraid to say it's not real. He said he wants to think that it's real. He said he'd like to go somewhere when he's gone.
Robin read a story about the phone call Trump made to the Ukrainian president asking him to investigate Joe Biden and his son. Robin said that some people are very concerned about what Trump said. She said that Mitt Romney is speaking out about this. Robin said Romney says it's critical for the facts to come out about this. Robin said the president is okay with Rudy Giuliani answering Congress' questions about that.
Robin read a story about Trump thinking that he deserves a Nobel Prize. Robin said he is also questioning why Obama got one in 2009. Robin said he thinks that if they gave them out fairly he'd have one. Robin said she's not sure why he's so obsessed with Barack Obama and everything that happened to him.
Robin read a story about a new hair loss device that is reversing hair loss in rodents. Robin said it's an electrical device that's powered by the user's movement. Howard said Fred is giving him a treatment right now. Fred played some sound effects and Howard said his hair is like Rapunzel.
Robin read a story about Antonio Brown being ordered to give a deposition in some court cases. Robin said he's going back to school and he put out a picture of a picture of his school registration.
Robin read a story about Sid Haig passing away at the age of 80. Robin said he passed away on Saturday.
Robin read a story about Matthew McConaughey teaching at a college in Texas. Robin said he's going to be in the film and production class at this college. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show talking about how he laid down last night and realized he hadn't called Robin about her medication. He said he was beat. Robin said she was too. She said she forgot to call about the medication. She said she takes them at night and she realized she forgot to call.
Howard said he stayed up until 10 and he's so tired now. He said he keeps thinking he can stay up. He said he watched Dancing with the Stars. Robin said it's terrible. Howard said it is but he had to see Tailor Brinkley. Robin said she can't dance. Howard said that's true. He said he's very interested in a few people. He said not Sean Spicer. He said he can't stand him. He said he cared about someone else and it had to be a girl.
Howard said he never picks a male trainer on the Peloton bike. He said he has this dark haired Jewish girl with the last name of Jacobs on Peloton. He said it's like picking out porn. He said she wears the least amount of clothes. Howard asked what her name is. Gary said it's Jennifer. Howard said he almost didn't want to say her name because she might get a big head. Gary said Benjy says she's not with them anymore. Howard said he looked her up and saw some information about her.
Benjy got on Gary's microphone and said she's the one he talked about on the show. He said she has kids in France or something. Howard said that's the best place to have them. Benjy said there are rumors about why she isn't there anymore. He said he assumed she was Jewish too. Howard said he's hung up on hot Jewish girls who wouldn't look at him. Benjy said one time he was riding and her nipple came out. He said he didn't know. He said he didn't know if he should tell her. Howard said he should have told her. Benjy said she was so fun and great. Howard said no one knows why she left.
Howard said they do shout outs during the classes. He said they'll tell you what to set your resistance to and things like that. He said sometimes you don't catch it and they don't tell you what's happening. He said to be a good instructor they should remind you. Benjy said he thinks there's a way to get that to show up. Howard said it doesn't work all the time. He thanked Benjy for the info.
Robin went through some of the names of women on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said there are only like 3 that he'd be interested in. He said it's interesting to see Christie Brinkley getting so excited about her daughter. Robin read the names to Howard and he told her which ones he's watching for. He said it must just be 2. Robin said maybe it's James Van Der Beek. Howard said she's right. That's the one. Howard said he can't believe that he's not finding other work.
Howard said he tried watching The Voice without Adam Levine. He said it's like when he left America's Got Talent. He said it's the same show. He said he thought Adam was good at it though. He said he likes Kelly Clarkson but she has to calm down. He said she has to let people talk a little bit. He said he thinks John Legend died a couple of years ago and he just sits there. Howard said they'll see Adam when they go out to L.A. He said he thinks he's glad he left.
Howard said now he's woozy from staying up so late. He said he needs a lot of sleep. He said he's a miserable fuck the rest of the day. He said he's just cranky.
Howard said Nick Cannon is coming in today. He said he has like 50 jobs and he's not sure how he does it. He said he has Lupus and he's going to kill himself doing this. He said he thinks you should have one or two jobs to focus on. He said you have to write jokes if you're doing stand up. He said Nick is doing that and he has the radio show and TV shows in production. He said he's doing radio full time. He said Nick will be in there so he'll lecture him then.
Howard said it's a remarkable thing in our society that people are into this. He said they hit each other over the head and they don't even know each other. He said they should call it ''No longer a celebrity boxing.''
Howard got Damon on the phone and said he doesn't think Lenny fighting would have generated that much interest anyway. Damon said he doesn't know. He said they only had a couple hundred tickets sold but they were hoping for 1000. He said they have to pay those back. Damon said they have other fighters in the match too. Howard asked if it's an under card with real boxers. Damon said it's local guys. Howard asked if they're celebrities. Damon said they're former reality stars and people like that. Howard asked for an example. Damon said the show Catfish there are some guys from that. He said he has a celebrity stylist too. He said he's trying to get a TV show and become the WWE of boxing.
Howard asked what paid the best out of his matches. Damon said he thinks Danny Bonaduce and Jose Canseco was the best.
Howard said now he has the Bagel Boss guy and who is he going to be fighting. Damon said he will take on Dustin ''Screech'' Diamond from Saved by the Bell. Howard said he got Screech huh? He asked if he fought for him once before. Damon said he fought Horseshack. He said he TKO'd Horseshack in the third round. Howard said that's something. Howard said he wishes him luck with that. Damon said he has Dwight Gooden as the referee. He said you can get tickets at WebTix.net. He said it'll be on Fight TV.
Howard wished him luck with the fight. He said he's been doing this for the last 50 years and still hasn't made nay money at it. He said that's a good plan. He said just keep sticking with it. Howard said that was some pitch. He did his impression of Damon telling them who is fighting and made some snoring sounds as he did that.
Howard did more of his Damon voice and had him talking about his TV deal and had him speaking in a monotone talking about that.
Howard said he has a pile of crap vs. a puddle of piss coming up as his next fight. Howard snored some more. He had him talking about all of his deals. Howard wished him luck with the event and had him talking about how fired up he is about the whole thing. He was talking slow and in that monotone as he did that. He had Robin cracking up. Howard made up fights he could have set up.
Howard had Damon talking about the fights he has coming up. He was making up matches between barely known people. Robin asked if he's sold any tickets. Howard had Damon saying he sold like 5 tickets.
Robin asked fake Damon how he makes money. Howard said he lives in the street. He said if he keeps this up it'll pay off. Robin said he was saying he wants this to be the WWE of boxing. Howard had him talking about having Svengoolie vs. William Hung. Robin asked if he would put money on that. Fake Damon said he doesn't know what she's talking about. He said he has a good pitch for the TV show and the movie about his life. He was talking about his show ''16 Seconds'' and how he had 16 fights that he won. Fake Damon said he has to go but he has a fight coming up with a woman who was almost on Who Wants to be a Millionaire vs Kelly Clarkson's neighbor. He said he has a fight coming up and that's himself fighting depression. He said he might lose that fight.
Howard's Damon said they have a fight with Tan Mom's husband vs no one yet. He said no one knows who he is. Robin asked where they can see this fight. Howard said he doesn't know. Robin asked if a fight happens and no one sees it, did it really happen? Fake Damon said he doesn't know.
Howard made up more fights with his fake Damon voice. He was talking about one with a Lucille Ball impersonator vs a FOX News intern. He said the referee in that one was the guy who does the voice of the Crypt Keeper. He said it was a big get for them. Robin said keep plugging away and this will take off. She said then he'll be the one laughing.
Fake Damon said he has a long day ahead of him. He said he has to call Dat Phan to fight Nicole Ritchie's second cousin. He said he's not sure if they can get the cousin. He said they're close to getting one of the extras from Game of Thrones. Robin asked if they can get anyone from Dancing with the Stars. Fake Damon said he's not sure they can get anyone from that show. He said he has an under card of a shark vs. dogs. He asked who will win. Robin said it depends on if they're in the water or not.
Fake Damon said they had a fight between Human Newman vs. Honey Boo-Boo. He said that would have been their biggest one yet.
Howard said that's enough of that impression. He said it's a bleak life. Robin asked why he keeps doing it. Howard went back into the impression and talked about how he thought it was a slam dunk to him. He asked Robin for Spider Harrison's phone number. Robin said she doesn't have it. Fake Damon said he wants to have Spider vs. the kids from Imus' cancer ranch. Fake Damon asked what happened to Al Rosenberg. He said he wants him to fight Boy Lee. Howard said he won't make that call. Fake Damon asked him to do that for him. He said it's a terrible business he's in.
Fake Damon said he wants to get Kato Kaelin to fight the guy who raped Demi Moore. He said he's not sure what that guy's name is though. Robin wondered what happens when he gets excited. Fake Damon told her to stop it. He got in a plug for moving furniture if anyone out there needs help. He suggested that all of Michael Jackson's accusers fighting each other in a ring. Robin said how about they all fight his heirs. Fake Damon asked for some phone numbers. He asked Robin to make phone calls to all of those people for him.
Howard had Fake Damon asking for every phone number from them. He said he needs a fight and he doesn't care who it is. He said he's so depressed and tired. Robin said maybe success would kill him. She said it's been going on so long.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him to never pick up on that guy ever again. Howard said give the guy a break. He said he lost Lenny Dykstra. He said he's not a bad dude. He said it's tough business. He said he figured he'd give him some help. Robin said they haven't heard from him in years. Howard said it is very early in the morning so maybe that's why he sounds so sleepy.
Howard said they got a lot of email about that call yesterday. He read some of the feedback about Damon looking for a match. He had a bunch of suggestions for who could fight Bagel Boss guy. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said he did that commercial for that Tushy thing and it shoots water up your ass. He said they have a meeting every week and in one of them they asked if he would do the live commercial for that. He said he does draw the line somewhere. He said he's open to just about any product but sometimes he's like ''are you fucking kidding me?'' He said it's a little embarrassing sometimes. He said he's going out to L.A. and all of these shows want him on. He said then he's doing a commercial for Tushy. He said they told him what this thing was and he thought it sounded like something he'd do a commercial for. He said it cuts down on toilet paper use and hemorrhoids. He said it prevents him from looking like a big star sometimes though.
Howard said Chris Wilding was telling him that this is a great product. Robin said it's just the name. Howard said what if someone is driving around thinking of him for a role in a movie and then hears him doing that commercial. He said it's not like he's looking to be in anything though. He said he would share with you what he's turned down but it's very gosh. He said he's one of those guys now. He said he was asked to be in a movie and co-star in it and it went on to be a big hit. He said someone asked him if he was sorry he turned it down. He said no because he doesn't have time. He said he sometimes thinks he should take on some of these projects. He said he could have done some game shows. He said they would have been good.
Howard said you take some of those things and then it's like America's Got Talent and you wonder what you're doing. He said he does like being asked to do movies. He said his wife thinks he'd be miserable doing it. He said he was acting in his apartment last night. He said he was acting like a guy who was abused by the mob. He said it was a monologue he was doing. Robin asked if he wants to do that now. Howard said no he doesn't.
Howard said he's taking these crackers now from Metamucil. He said things are happening. He said his doctor told him to take these things. He said he was depressed when he saw the people on the Metamucil commercials but now he has big fluffy doodies. He said he never went in public. He said he has to work out and when he's doing that he has to hold it in. He said he gets home and he has these magnificent doodies. He said you can't share that stuff with anyone though. He said even his own mother wouldn't check them.
Howard said he loves this Metamucil. He said it tastes so good. He said it's like Apple Pie. He said he orders them through the internet. He said he has people who get it for him. He doesn't order it himself.
Howard said the problem with not doing anything for yourself it that everyone sees what you're ordering. He said he has to have them order condoms for him. He said he has tried doing it himself and it doesn't work out. He said his wife wonders how he can't order. He said she thinks it's odd that he has people to do everything for him. Robin said she would imagine so. Robin asked what he'd do if everyone disappeared. Howard said he'd have to jump out a window.
Howard said he had to pack for the L.A. trip and Ralph has to come help packing. He said he hates packing but Ralph looks at him like he's nuts. He said the only energy he has is for the show. He said he doesn't have the energy to pack. He said he sees that Jerry Springer is a judge on TV now. He said Judge Judy was a real judge but Jerry wasn't. He said he opens the paper today and sees that he's Judge Jerry. He said he was offered a judge show once. He said he turned it down because he's not a judge. He said he's not sure how good his judgment is if he paid a hooker with a check. He asked what's going on in this world.
Robin asked if Jerry was on Dancing with the Stars to promote that. Howard said he fast forwards through that stuff so he missed it if he did promote it.
Robin said someone said to her that they don't believe in giving money to other charities in other countries. Howard said you have to look at the map like it's one big place. He said you have to help people around the world. Howard said he gives money to the poor because he doesn't want them robbing him. Robin said she has said the same words as Howard. She asked if he's listening into her conversations. Howard said he actually is.
Howard read some feedback about Nikki Glaser's appearance on the show yesterday. Some people wrote in about how great the interview was. People were begging her not to get plastic surgery.
Howard read some feedback about the Brent and Katelyn stuff they discussed yesterday on the show. Howard had some people talking about what they think will happen when the two of them are fucking on opposite coasts.
Howard said Michael Rapaport is at war with Brent. He said he has a new song from him. He said he doesn't think he hit a home run with this one. He said Rapaport went acoustic with this new song and it's called ''Torn Ass.'' He said he wrote about Brent getting arrested for scalping tickets back in the 90s. Robin said Brent is a criminal but he wants to do a citizen's arrest. Howard said that's why he keeps referencing that in the song. Howard said Brent references the restraining order that Rapaport had against him.
Brent came in and said that his charges were dropped. He said Michael's weren't. Howard said this song isn't that bad for him. He played the song and Rapaport did the song with someone playing guitar and singing with him to the tune of ''Torn.''
Howard said he doesn't think that was all that good. He said he did pretty well with his first song parody. Brent said it's really bad. Howard said he would rather speak to Damon Feldman than listen to that.
Howard had Michael on the phone and told him he thinks he bombed with that song. He asked what the point of view is there. He said he almost didn't play it. Michael said the song came to him in a dream. He said he has to admit that it has gotten the best of him. He said he was dreaming about being in a cafe downtown and Katelyn came to him like Jenny in Forrest Gump. Howard told Michael to go back to bed. He said just forget about the song. He said it's a nightmare. Michael asked if he played the song. Howard said he played about a minute of it and had to bail. Michael said he's offended as an artist. He said some of his paintings might not be that great. Howard said that's why he keeps them private. He said he has 500 bad ones to one good one. Michael said it came to him in a dream. Howard said they can't all be the best.
Brent said that he's rambling. Howard asked why he sings about his ass being torn. Michael said that he was writing the song from Katelyn's point of view so her ass is torn. Brent said that doesn't make sense. Brent said sex makes Michael very angry and he must not be able to get hard or if he does it's very dark stuff. Howard asked if he has a response to that. Michael said he is in Los Angeles and he has women coming up to him. Brent said that he's not answering his question. He said this is a lie. Michael said that women have said that if Brent thinks he's getting laid out there he's got another thing coming. Howard said he does have a date set up though. Brent said he and this woman are going to start with a walk on the beach and go from there. He said he's not looking for someone to throw salt in his game. He said they're going to get drinks and dance too.
Brent asked why he gets so angry about sex. Michael kept talking about the songs and not answering what Brent was asking. Michael said Brent talking about sex is disgusting. Brent said he feels the same thing about Chris Wilding on the show. He said any adult discussion about sex he gets upset about. Michael asked if he has been arrested for scalping tickets. Brent said it's legal now. He said his charges were dropped and Michael's weren't.
Howard asked Brent why he doesn't just fuck this woman in L.A. Brent said he thought about that yesterday. Michael was talking over Brent so he asked him to stop doing that. Howard said if you're a swinger just fuck. Brent said he's going to take his advice on that. Michael said he's looking for some romantic connection and that's not what you do. He said walking on the beach is like Brady Bunch stuff. Brent said he was thinking about it last night so they might make a slight adjustment there. He said it might be more in the swinger's lifestyle. He said that Howard made a good point. He said it's more about the swinger stuff.
Brent asked why Michael hates talking about sex so much. Michael told him to throw himself in the ocean out there. Brent asked how he felt about that ass kicking in the fantasy football thing. Michael said that was not good. Brent said he's the low score in the entire league. Michael said he did lose and losing to Brent made him know what it's like to be Brent. He said it's like watching everything he loves getting fucked right in front of him. Brent said he's nothing but a privileged rich kid who has never had a bad day in his life. He said that's why he bullies everyone.
Brent and Michael went back and forth about all of this nonsense for a couple of minutes. Howard called it off and said he has to move on. Michael was rambling so Brent pointed that out. Michael said let him talk. Howard let him say his final words. Michael brought up Brent's trip to L.A. and how his wife is going to get plugged on the sheets he lays on. Brent said Michael only cares about that. He said he doesn't give a fuck about any of that. Howard said Michael must have hung up. Brent said Michael sucks at life.
Howard had Michael back on the phone. Michael said he got disconnected. He said he wants to say his final piece. He repeated his lines about Brent's wife getting plugged. He said Brent isn't going to find love out there. He said he's a funny looking owl looking mother fucker. He said there's going to be a protest out there when he flies in. Howard let Michael go after that. He let Brent go and said wow to all of that.
Howard said it's amazing. Robin said Brent is dropping the dinner thing and going out with someone else.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks it's a bad idea to do what Brent is doing. He said he was in a similar situation with his wife. He said she kept pushing and he started getting into it. He said down the line he was on dating sites and trying to figure things out. He said it all came crashing down when he found out she was banging the dude around the corner. He said she fell for the dude. Howard said instead of coming to her and saying she's not into you anymore then she does that. He said he doesn't get it. The caller said the girl he was with had an ex who was into other girls.
Howard said Brent is willing to bet $10,000 that they'll be together in 2 years. Robin said that's not very long term. Howard asked if the caller is getting divorced. He said he's in the process. He said she's still in the house and he's out. He said she started making up this shit that he did to her and she got him out.
Howard asked if this is Brent's future. The caller said it could be. He said he could be paying the rent for her. Howard said that's funny but sad. The caller said he did meet a good girl in all of this and he thinks they'll be together.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he loved Michael's song. He said he almost crashed his truck to one of the lines. Howard said maybe he was off with that. The caller said he has to listen to the words.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he hates both Brent and Michael now. He said this fight is so ridiculous. He asked who wants to watch his movies now. Howard said he does. He said he likes them. Howard said it is enough with those two but they somehow manage to suck him back in.
Howard said he has Ivanka on the phone. He took the call from Fake Ivanka who talked about her boobs and nips. She said she had Botox injections in her nipples. Howard said she's hot everywhere. He said they can't argue with that. Ivanka said they look like Tootsie Rolls. She banged them against the phone. She ended up plying bongo with her nipples. Howard said she's a feast for the eyes and ears with that. Ivanka was playing so hard and fast that it sounded like she was moaning in pain or joy.
Howard said Nick Cannon is there and he has to get to him. He said he has to take a break first. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he has Nick Cannon there. He said he worked with him at America's Got Talent for 4 years. He said he hasn't seen him in a while. He had a turban on when he came in. Howard asked if he's trying to kill himself with all of these jobs. Nick said he's very happy and he's achieving shit in his life. He said Howard is always right though. He said he ends up in the hospital a month after Howard tells him this stuff.
Howard said he has Lupus and he has to slow down. He said he gets the sense that he's not saying no to anything. Nick said he was being brain washed and they told him to slow down. He said they had him on medication for Lupus and he had to cut back on that. He said he's down to just a couple of medications now.
Howard said he gets that he's a young man and he's out there having fun. He said he has to understand what he's doing. He said he has a Howard sweatshirt on. He said he's going to Howard University. Nick said he just flew in from there. He said in May he's getting his bachelors in criminology. He said he's going for his masters in psychology. He said he wants to be a know it all. Howard asked why he's doing that. Nick said the human mind fascinates him. He said that he wants to know more about mind over matter. He said he's not going to subscribe to the diagnosis the doctors give him.
Howard said he's going to college but also hosting a radio show in L.A. Nick said he's on right now on Power 106. He said he's on the number 1 hip hop station in L.A. He said he's on 5 days a week and on Saturday's too. Howard asked if here is more than one Nick Cannon. Nick said he's a clone.
Howard said doing a radio show is super competitive out there. Nick said he's kicking ass out there. Howard said he also has The Masked Singer and the Wild and Out show. Nick said he's been trying to get him on for years. Howard asked what he would do on there. Nick said it's like Who's Line is it Anyway but with Hip Hop. Howard said that sounds like his kind of thing.
Howard said he's got all of that and he's in college. He asked how he does that. Nick said he's timing everything out right. Howard said on top of that he has kids with Mariah and that Miss Universe. Nick said that's Brittany Bale. Howard said he's a father and he's got to show up and do that. He said that's another full time job. Nick said that's the main focus. He said that they all fly back and forth between L.A. Howard said he's not sure how he does it. Nick said he's not sure either.
Howard asked if he has trouble saying no to things. Nick said he likes to say no. He said he doesn't feel like he's had anyone hand him anything. He said he feels like he has to do it while the pot is hot. He said they might take it from him. Robin asked who the They is. Nick said she knows.
Howard said he has one more job to announce today. Nick said he's going to be a daily talk show host. He said that's starting in 2020. He said he'll do that after his radio show. He said when he left America's Got Talent he went and filled in for Wendy Williams. He said he wanted to do late night but then thought about doing a daily show. Howard said he's losing his mind. He said he's going to end up dead. He said he's not fucking with him. Nick said he says that all the time. Howard said something is going to break. Nick said he's going to do the radio show and then do the talk show. He said he can syndicate and be all over if he does it.
Howard asked if he's going to do the morning show in L.A. Nick said he's trying to be the next Howard Stern. Howard said he's going to drop all of these projects if he tries to do that. Howard said Nick will do the show in the morning and then do the talk show. Nick said he hopes to do it in close areas. He said he doesn't want to have to go far.
Howard asked when he sleeps. Nick said he sleeps wherever he is. He said he gets maybe 3 hours of sleep. Howard asked if he still works out. Nick said every day he does.
Howard said he has nice hair. He said he should show it off. Nick said he won't wear the turban every day on the talk show. He said NBC didn't like him wearing it on America's Got Talent. He said they can't tell him what to do. Howard said it turned out to be a good thing when he left America's Got Talent. Nick said he went to Howard about it and he told him to stick with it. He said he thought he'd be with him but he told him to stay. Howard said he NBC was really fucking with him back in the day. Nick said they were fucking with him too. He said they heard about the joke he used about them on Howard's show. He said he either gets fired or divorced after coming on Howard's show.
Howard said with America's Got Talent he offended them with the N-word or whatever. He said meanwhile Simon is fucking another guy's wife and he's working there. Howard asked why Nick can't use the N-word. Nick said there is no moral compass in Hollywood.
Nick said he has The Masked Singer coming on tonight. He said he loved the Masked Farter bit. Howard asked if he was upset that they fired Heidi and Mel but the two old guys get to stay on America's Got Talent. Nick said they had to hire another black man over there. He said they were calling people he knows and they were offering big money. He said they were acting like they weren't racist and sexist. He said they hired Terry Crews over there. He said they got back to the black host in shiny suits. He said they're very strategic in their casting.
Robin said she told Howard he has to do what speaks to him. She said the same thing to Nick. Nick thanked her for that.
Howard said he's a practical guy and he said to Nick that they don't get him over there but take their money. He said that was his advice. He said meanwhile he's shown everyone that he's replaced it with 67 other jobs and it hasn't gone away. Nick said that people were saying he walked away from millions of dollars. He said they were asking what he was going to do now. He said he's showing them now. He said they were worried for him. Howard said he was worried. He said he thought he was going to be homeless and he'd have to take him in.
Howard asked Nick about doing this 5 hour morning show and then do the talk show. Nick said he's going to prepare for the talk show on the radio show. Howard said in a sense he'll say it on the radio show and then say it again in the talk show. Nick said exactly. Howard said he has to prepare to do the show. He said that's going to take a few hours. Nick said he'll also be doing bits and pre-tapes. He said he may be in the TV studio from 10-2. He said then he'll go to the gym. Howard said now he's done a radio show, a TV show and then working out. He said he's going to end up in the hospital again. He said that he has to slow down. He asked what the fuck is wrong with him. He asked if he's crazy. Nick said he got rid of most of the people who were hanging around with him.
Howard said he has to talk to him off the air about all of this. He said he's working too hard. Nick said he doesn't do this for the rest of his guests. Howard said that's because he worked with him for 4 years.
Howard said Nick is mentoring Pete Davidson too. He said he sort of discovered him. Nick said he was doing morning radio at Howard's old station and he had a comedy night. He said he had this 15 year old kid who would call the station asking to be on. He said he told him to come in and he rocked it. He said he took him on tour. He said he was on Wild and Out and all of that. He said he made him finish high school before he took him on the road.
Howard said he thought it was funny he was giving Pete female advice. Nick said it was. Howard said Pete loves being talked about. He said he's a nice guy. He said he enjoys him. He said when he was with Ariana Grande it looked like it was going to work out. Howard said Nick told him to find an older woman. Nick said Robin knows that. Howard said Nick told Pete to find an older woman and he introduced him to Kate Beckinsale. Nick said he didn't introduce them but he did think he was following in his footsteps. He said next thing you know he's going to have a Miss Universe contestant. Howard asked if he's going to take Pete for a turban fitting. Nick said he might have to.
Howard said Nick is working on Power 106 out in L.A. now. He said they have a rich history of stuff out there on that station. Nick said he was dying to get back into radio. He said it worked really well in New York. Howard said he didn't know him back then in New York. Nick said he used to shit talk him all the time. He said he fell in love with radio and he was developing that. He said he isn't Howard Stern but he's working on it. Howard said then he's announcing the talk show. Howard asked if he told Wendy about that. Nick said he's going to visit Wendy today. He said he had to come see Howard first. Howard said he hasn't seen him since the whole America's Got Talent thing. Howard said Simon wanted his spot on that show. Nick said they left at the right time. Howard said he had to because of his sanity. He said Nick is busy taking more jobs. Howard said he had to cut back. Nick said he can't wait to be Howard Stern.
Howard said he wants to know something. He said Nick has done the two shows and he's at the gym. Howard asked when he gets to hang with the kids. Nick told Howard about the kids and how the 2 year old is speaking Mandarin. Howard asked if he wears a turban too. Nick said of course he does. He said he reads and everything. He said he puts it on his Instagram all the time. He said he even reads. He said some kids memorize things but he sounds words out. Howard said bring him in there next time.
Howard said he's at the gym and then he visits the kids. Howard asked when he does The Masked Singer. Nick said that he does that in the afternoon. He said they allowed him to do that over at FOX. Howard said the show was big in Korea and he brought it there. Nick said that's right. He said people thought he was nuts and lost his mind. Howard said he thought he lost his mind. He said he owns that show. Nick said he produces it. He said he doesn't own it. Howard said he could just do that and be happy. Nick said he could.
Howard asked if FOX would let them do the Masked Farter. Nick said he thinks so. He said he thinks Howard would like to do this show. He said that they have huge stars on the show dressed up getting tortured in costume. Howard said someone yelled out his name in the promo for the show and he thought he forgot he did it. Nick said people love the show. Howard congratulated him on the success of that show.
Howard said he saw Nick on The Emmys. He said Ken Jeong is on the Masked Singer with him. Howard calls him Ken Jeong Un. He said Ken was doing some weird bit there at the Emmys. He said the guy is a funny guy and he used to be a doctor. Nick said he's still a doctor. Robin said he's not practicing. Nick said he's not sure why they call it ''practicing.'' Howard said Ken came on and he starts doing this routine. Nick said he wasn't aware of the bit. He said award shows aren't his shit. He said he really doesn't want to go but he had to promote The Masked Singer. He said they revealed all of the characters there. He said he was there for his job. He said they sent him a script that was like 2 lines. Nick said they had him do something real quick in the script. He thought he could knock it out in his sleep.
Nick said they get to the Emmys and they have them rehearse. He said he only had 2 lines. He said then it was 4 pages of shit. Howard said he sensed he was there in shock. Nick said he was but he thought Ken did fine. Howard said most people don't know what Tic Tok is. He asked if he wrote the bit. Nick said he's not sure who wrote it. He said Ken can make anything funny. He said he didn't really know what was going on. He said he backed him up. He said he let him hit him with the Mariah joke. Howard asked if he's tired of those. Nick said he's so sick of them. He asked if he knows how many women he's been with since her. Howard asked how many. Nick wasn't giving numbers.
Howard said he needs to get out there with more women. Nick said he has managed to dodge some of that. He said he won't get married again. He said that's not designed for him. Howard asked about living with one woman. Nick said he's a tribalist. Howard said he has options that some people don't have. Nick said he's not letting the government get involved with his love. He said he thinks it would be tough to get into a committed relationship.
Robin said he can wait until he gets old and do it then. Nick asked why they don't marry in 20 years. Robin said she'll be out of commission by then. Nick said he has some friends they can get together with. Robin said she hopes she's there to see it when he marries. Nick asked why he will marry.
Howard said he thought with this Miss Universe he was going to settle down. Nick said he's not going to get married. He said she's an amazing woman though. Howard asked if he's wearing rubbers now. Nick said he won't have sex with people he doesn't really know. Howard asked where he's cumming. Nick said it's all over the place.
Howard said with Mariah Carey it was very high profile. Nick said he still talks to her every day. He said he spends the night at her house sometimes. Howard asked if he has fucked her since the divorce. Nick said no. He asked if that would be a bad thing. Howard said no. He said then she gets resentful if he stops again. Nick said he hasn't done it. Howard said he thinks he has. Nick said he's not going to do that. He said that's great advice not to get back into that.
Howard asked if he goes back to her house and still feels things for her. Nick said he doesn't think that will happen. He said he respects her as the mother of his children and that's it.
Howard said Nick Cannon is on a roll. Nick said that's all he wanted to hear. Howard asked how many women he's dating. Nick said he has a friend or two. He said it's dangerous out there. He said there was a person who filed a lawsuit against him and he didn't even know who she was. He said she said he raped her. He said he never knew her. Nick said he did an investigation into it and they said it was in 2016. He said they claimed they had a sex tape. Howard said someone could put a camera in a hotel room or something. Nick said they claimed to have a camera and they said he hurt the person. He said his team was freaking out. He said he never even knew this person. He said it was a total scam. Nick said they were scamming a lot of celebrities. He said they were trying to get a couple hundred thousand grand. He said he doesn't even know this person. He said he has his schedule from the past 5 years so he knows who he was around.
Howard said this is a terrible thing he describes. Nick said the times they're in are very sensitive so men are scared shitless. He said his lawyer said he has to know what consent is. He said he told them that he didn't even know this person.
Howard asked if he went to the police about this. Nick said he doesn't snitch. He said he let the lawyers handle it. He said he doesn't press charges or anything. He said they handle that stuff.
Nick said he has been studying criminality so he's not for incarcerating anyone. He said he goes to prisons and meets with young kids who are incarcerated. Howard asked about this guy Tekashi 69. Nick said he knows him. He said he was on Wild and Out. Howard said that guy gets into that 69 thing.
Howard asked if he would turn someone in if he saw someone murder someone. Nick said it's none of his business. Howard asked why he wouldn't report someone. Nick said that's none of his business. Howard asked if he's hanging out with radicals now. He asked who he's close with. Nick said he doesn't have friends in the industry. He said he's friends with doctors and teachers at Howard University.
Nick said he's doing a documentary about the artist Nipsy Hustle. He said he was taken away too soon. He said Nipsy was doing this documentary and he's picking it up where he left off.
Howard asked about this diet he's on. Nick said he thinks he's healed. He said he drinks 2 gallons of water a day. He said no processed food. He said that's all poison. Howard asked what he had today. Nick said he had some herbal tea and some vegetables. He said he had some kale and some other vegetables. He said he had some avocado. Howard asked who makes this for him. Nick said he has a chef. He said he has a house there in Saddle River New Jersey. He said he can come there. He said he can come out to the place in the Hollywood Hills. He said his family home is there in Jersey. Howard said he can bring his wife to California.
Nick said Howard is wild. He said he was free for a while. Howard said it was only a year. Nick said he's still in that phase that Howard was in. Howard said there's something nice about having a wife. He said there is no worries. Nick said the stress can affect his Lupus.
Howard asked if he still has multiple phones. Nick said he has just 2 now. He said he used to have 4. Howard said he's still juggling phones. Robin said that must be stressful to remember what went on with the women. Nick said he doesn't lie to them. He said he just tells the truth. He said he can handle it. Howard said women get feelings for you though. Nick said he can handle that.
Howard said he used to have so many people around him at America's Got Talent. He said he'd like to see what's up with him. He said he'd walk into the room and all of Nick's women would walk out.
Howard said Nick is on a roll. He said he's doing the Wendy Williams show today. He said he's got The Masked Singer on tonight too. Howard said they're doing the Wild and Out tour soon too. Nick said they're going to be 300 episodes in soon. Howard asked what he's worth at this point. Nick said he doesn't want to talk numbers. He said the stuff online is all bullshit. He said he just wants to keep that quiet. Howard asked if he can bump that $50 million up to $200 million. Nick said that's fine. He said he's trying to be like Howard and Oprah. He said he has pictures of both Howard and Oprah on his wall.
Howard asked if he has an issue with Oprah selling diet products and not being thin. Nick said he loves Oprah but they don't have the same views on some things. He said he was introduced to Oprah years ago and he told her how much he loves The Color Purple. He said he recited a line from the movie and Mariah couldn't believe he did that. He said they haven't been on the same page since. He said people do that with him about the movies he was in.
Howard said that's what you do when you meet someone. Nick said that was the most awkward moment he's ever had. He said they have seen each other but he gets the feeling that she sees him and thinks that's the mother fucker who did the line from The Color Purple.
Nick mentioned that he has a vegan restaurant coming out in L.A. He said they have a Wild and Out sports bar and it's the hip hop version of Hooters. He said they wanted to open a plant based restaurant. Howard asked if he eats cheese. Nick said that's like eating pus. He said it's cow's milk. He said it's disgusting. He said it's not even cheese. Howard said he doesn't eat any meat. He only eats fish. Nick said he has sushi but he doesn't touch anything dairy. He said that shit is disgusting.
Howard asked if he has that Frumunda Cheese if he's not circumcised. Nick said he's circumcised. Howard said he never told him that or showed him his penis. Nick said he never asked.
Nick said he's upset he's not in his book (Howard Stern Comes Again). Howard said he had to cut a lot out of there. He said he loves Nick though. Howard said he has had him to his house. Nick said that they had a nice time there. Howard said Mariah came and she didn't eat because she had a video shoot the next day. He said they had a good time. Nick said he thought he was coming on the show too much. He said that's why it's been 2 years since he was on. Howard said he could have made the book today. He said he should have come in 2 years ago. Nick said he has to come on his show. Howard said he's busy that day.
Howard asked Nick to control himself. He said he's doing too much. Nick asked if he's proud of him. Howard said he is but he's doing too much. He said he came to see him in the hospital. He said he should slow down a little. Robin said he can hire some people. Nick said she's right.
Howard gave Nick some plugs for all of these things he's doing. He wished him luck with it all and went to break.
Howard came back and said he got some nice email about Eric the Actor's tribute they did yesterday. He said he's been gone 5 years now. Howard read through some of the email he got about Eric. A lot of people wrote in about how much they miss Eric.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to get some advice. He said he's been listening for about a year. He said he is 550 pounds and he's a gay guy living in Texas. He wants to turn his life around and he wants to know what to do. He asked what Howard can suggest to fix his life. Howard said he's the wrong guy to ask. He said he watches these 600 pound people eon that TV show and he thinks they just have to stop eating. He said the only advice he has is to get into therapy and figure out why he has to eat so much. Howard said he yells at the screen when people are eating so much. He said just do some exercise and stop eating so much. He said he doesn't want to be addicted to anything. He said he doesn't want to be a victim of food or drugs. He said it's empowering to be able to control it.
The caller, Josh, said he's winded just walking into the house from his car. Howard said there's nothing better than having control over your own body and being able to move around. Howard said he was heavy for a while and he was sickened by it. Howard asked if he can see his own dick. Josh said he hasn't seen it in years. He said the only way he can reach it is by laying down. He said it's a big challenge.
Howard asked if he's able to jerk off. Josh said only if he lays down. He said it's almost like it's engulfed so it's emasculating. Howard said it's like he has a vag.
Howard said he used to watch MTV with the rock videos and he'd see these guys with long hair and he wanted to get in shape like them. He said he wanted to walk around feeling somewhat good about himself. He said throw out all of the food. He said just think about all of the guys he can have blowing him. He asked what he eats the most of. Josh said it's fast food. He said he goes to Taco Bell and eats like 2 or 3 meals worth of food. He said he knows the way he eats isn't healthy. Howard said start making yourself some healthy food. He said then you'll be cooking and have the TV on and have some friends over. Robin said this is the same kind of thing as Sal and the vaping. She said he doesn't know what addiction really is.
Josh said he's trying to hold himself accountable. He said he's got a bucket list. Robin said he shouldn't have one. She asked how old he is. He said he's 34. Howard asked if he has a shit bucket. Josh said not yet. Howard asked if he's a top or a bottom. Josh said he tends to bottom but he'd like to be a top. He said he's not very sexually active. He said he's never had true self confidence. Howard said try the therapist. He said he can will himself to do this. Robin said there is no such thing in the face of addiction. Howard wished Josh luck with that. Howard mentioned that Sal is back to vaping all the time.
Howard played some audio of the guy trying to help Erik drive. Erik was yelling at people and cursing them out. Erik said the truck driver was a fucking douche. The friend told him to take his foot off the gas. He was driving too fast.
Howard asked who was nutty enough to get in the car with him. He said Shuli actually did that. He said he has some clips of his road rage too. Howard played the clip that Shuli got with Erik. Erik kept calling people names. He called people assholes and cunts among other things.
Howard said Erik would calm down when he talked about food. He said he was talking about fast food right before his test and he calmed right down. Howard played a clip. Shuli pointed out it was 7:40 in the morning when he was talking about Popeye's chicken. He was talking about getting some soda there. Robin said that's what he had given up when he lost his weight. Howard said he was watching that My 600 Pound Life show and this woman was told not to drink soda but she ended up doing it. Howard said the doctor told her diet Coke is the worst thing for her. He said people can't do what they're told.
Howard said OJ is up to it again. He said he can get into that now. He had to figure out the time. He said he never talked about Ronnie's Vegas trip though. He said he will save that for next week. He said there's always another show. He said OJ proclaimed that he's a fantasy football expert now. He said he hates that this guy is having fun while Ron Goldman and Nicole are gone.
Howard played a clip of OJ going off on Andrew Luck for retiring when he had him in the fantasy draft. Howard said this is the way he yelled at Nicole.
Howard said Antonio Brown was in OJ's team too. He played another clip of OJ going off on Antonio for leaving the NFL. He was upset about him and Andrew Luck. Howard said this guy is having a good time out there. He did his impression of OJ a little bit.
Howard said on 9/11 OJ put out a tweet about the day and then went off on Antonio Brown again. Howard played that clip and OJ was all sad sounding at first but then he went off on Antonio instead of talking about 9/11.
Howard said they had OJ call into an internet sports show. He said the host seemed charmed by the guy even though he murdered someone live on the show. Howard said they liked it. He played the call the guys made with a fake OJ. They had him talking about his fantasy football team and how Antonio Brown fucked him. The host of the show was happy to have OJ on with him. Toward the end of the call OJ had his doorbell ring and it was the pizza guy. He showed up 2 minutes late so OJ stabbed him. The hosts wrapped up their show while he was stabbing the guy.
Howard said maybe they should take a break and get to the news. He said he wants to get out on time. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard took a call from a woman who said she's so excited about him taking her call. Howard said he's not sure he's happy he did. He said it seems to be going nowhere. She said she just wanted to call in and say hi to Howard and Robin. Howard asked about Fred. The caller said she likes Fred too. Howard asked if she likes Benjy. She said she does. Howard asked if she likes Gary. She said of course she does. Howard asked if she likes Thom the engineer. She said she's not sure who that is. Howard asked if she likes Steve Nowicki. She said she's not sure who that is either. Howard asked if she would like to speak to the Ronnie Puppet. The caller, Michelle, said sure. Howard had Fred do his thing with the puppet.
Ronnie Puppet had her say hi to his cock this morning. Howard asked Michelle if she liked being assaulted by the puppet. She said he's crude but she enjoys it. Howard asked if she likes it when he says the word cunt. Michelle said she doesn't like that word but she can deal with it. Ronnie Puppet yelled it out a bunch of times. Howard said he's so glad Michelle called in. He said if it wasn't for the puppet it might have been a bad call.
Robin said Fred has all of the puppets in the corner and she thought it looked like JD was having sex with Bobo. Howard asked if they come to life at night. Howard asked who Fred has over there. Fred said he has Benjy on the floor. He said he thought he was going to use him today. He never got to him though. Howard said it's like having Jim Henson in there. Fred said he has Richard, Bobo, Ronnie and JD too. He said JD's mouth is perpetually open.
Howard asked Bernie about how he disappeared from the news with this Trump thing going on. He asked when he last got laid and Bernie said it was 1923. He said he's only focused on politics and not sex. Bernie asked if he has any of those Metamucil bars for him. He said he needs to take a shit. Howard said he'll give him some during the break.
Howard said it's time for news. they played Robin into it with a song parody. Howard said he has to say that David Spade did a great bit with Robert O'Neill on his show ''Lights Out.'' He said they put Robert on stage at a comedy club and fed him lines. He said he and Whitney Cummings did that and it was very funny.
Robin read a story about a woman who was attacked outside the home she was trying to sell. Robin had some audio of the woman being attacked. She had audio of the woman screaming. Robin said this woman was just grabbed and groped and she screamed like that. Howard asked if Robin was into Nick at all. Robin said he's a beautiful man. She said she can't be part of a tribe. Howard told her to stop it.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he got into this Sirius app and he's been watching the video from the Stern Show. He said Fred with the Bobo puppet is great. He said they did a great job with the hair flopping around. Howard said it has the boils too. Howard said he brings up a good point with that. He said he should plug that app. Ralph said the videos are so well produced and slick. Fred brought out the Bobo puppet and did that for Ralph. He was giving Bobo's many catch phrases and things like that. Bobo was asking if Howard thinks Sailor Brinkley is doing a good job on the show. Howard said he already talked about that for like 10 minutes this morning. Bobo Puppet apologized. Howard talked to Bobo Puppet for a short time. He said the puppets are going to L.A. with them by the way.
Howard said he will help the puppet out by putting real Bobo on the line. Bobo said he has a good question today. Howard said real Bobo ruined the bit. Howard told Bobo to go ahead. Bobo asked if there's any reason why he's been holding them hostage by not getting to Fred's Africa trip. Howard said go ahead and ask Fred a question. Howard asked Fred to be Fred. Fred said one question only. Howard said they should have a Fred puppet so he can answer through the puppet instead. Ralph asked if he will have the same voice. Howard said it will. He said he will just be talking through the puppet.
Howard asked Bobo to ask his question. Bobo asked if any of the natives came on to his wife Alison. Fred said no they didn't. Howard said that's racist. Bobo asked how concerned he was with his family in the open Range Rover. Howard said he has to get out of this. Fred said he's making him wish he never went. Bobo said it was a good question because he could have been in harm's way. He asked if he felt like he was trapped like a rat. Fred said only with this call. Howard and Fred did their Bobo voices and goofed on his awful questions.
Howard did his Bobo impression asking if Fred went to the movie over there and if the natives yelled at the screen. Fred said there were no movies to be seen. Howard let Bobo go a short time later.
Ralph said no one is going to vote for Bernie Sanders until he gets a hair cut. Fake Bernie said some things about Ralph's hair. He didn't have any good comebacks for him. Howard said he likes that his hair is a mess. He said he's concentrating on being a good senator instead of his looks.
Howard let Ralph go and took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn accidentally. Mariann said he's doing Jimmy Kimmel on the 9th. She asked if he's starting the shows in L.A. at 7 or at 10. Howard said they had a meeting about that the other day. He said they didn't really figure it out. He said they might be starting at 8am. Gary said that's the plan. The show will start at 11 on the East coast.
Robin said Dr. Drew is so nice and she thinks Robin should hook up with him. Howard hung up on her. He said she sent over a huge spread of food yesterday. Gary said it was 3 kinds of sandwiches. He said they had macaroni and cheese and everyone said it was the best they ever had. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Al Franken getting a show on SiriusXM. Howard said that's great. He said he loves that guy and he shouldn't have resigned from the senate. He said he was a fantastic senator. Robin said his is a voice they need in the public arena. Howard said he's so glad that Sirius signed him. He said he would have to fight the Bagel Boss guy if they didn't. Howard said he will listen to that show. Robin said it will be on for an hour on Saturdays. Robin said she's looking forward to it. Howard said he's a very bright guy.
Robin read a story about the Jeopardy guy known as Jeopardy Jason. Robin said he has earned more than $500,000. She said he's only the third person to be able to do that. Robin said he won his 18th game the other day. Robin said he's a long way from catching up to Ken Jennings. Robin said Ken won $2.4 million in 2004.
Fake Arnold Schwarzenegger got on his microphone for a short time. Arnold said his nipples are hard and he wanted Robin to know that. Howard asked how he likes Stallone remaking Rambo. Arnold said his Terminator movie is coming soon. He said he'd like to be the President so he could be the Presinator. Howard spent a minute with him.
Robin read a story about Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern and Sam Neil and asked what movie they were in together. Howard didn't know. Robin said they were in Jurassic Park. Jeff Goldblum was in the office so Howard talked to fake Jeff for a bit. Robin said the three of them are coming back to Jurassic World in the next movie. Jeff and Arnold were both jerking off and cumming as they were talking to Howard and looking at Robin. Howard let Arnold and Jeff go after that. He said they've had some show today. He said the had Ivanka on with her nips earlier and now Jeff and Arnold jerking off to Robin. Fake Bernie said he's all sticky now.
Robin read a story about a study saying that there may have been life on Venus at one point. Robins said it may have been inhabitable for several million years. Robin said they think about 700 million years ago it may have changed with volcanic eruptions. Fake Arnold said he just heard Robin say penis. Howard said she actually said Venus. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about Joy Behar on The View was inspired by Greta Thunberg and applauded her and condemned those who don't believe in climate change. Robin said one of the women on the show disagreed with her but Joy kept going. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Howard asked fake Bernie if he has a plan to help the environment. Bernie said he does. He got all worked up and started yelling about the billionaires who should be giving their money to clean up the garbage out there. He said he just popped a blood vessel. Howard said he's worried about him popping blood vessels.
Robin read a story about young teenagers pledging not to have children until the government has some plans to battle climate change. Robin had some details about that. Robin said this plan is getting the attention of kids all over the world. Arnold got on and said that he isn't going to stop fucking. He was cumming as they were talking. He said that's his way of cooling down the planet with his jizz.
Robin read a story about a guy who was sentenced to 4 months in prison for conspiring to pay $250,000 to get his son into USC. Robin said he used photos of his son in the family pool to show he was into water sports. Howard said he can see cheating to get your kid into Harvard but this is USC. Howard said whatever school they get into is what they can go to. He asked who gives a fuck where they go. Howard spent a minute talking to fake Bernie about getting free college for everyone.
Robin read a story about Olivia Jade returning to social media over the weekend. Robin said she posted her first Instagram on Monday morning. Robin said that she wished her mother a happy birthday. Howard said this kid had it made and her parents fucked it up. He said she even said it on her feed. He said the kid is fabulous. He said she was pulling in 2.5 million a year with that. He said now the country can heal with her back on social media. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Antonio Brown who is being sued by a bunch of people and he had to show up to a deposition. Robin had some audio of a lawyer talking about the case they have against him. Robin said he allegedly trashed an apartment he had and threw furniture out into the pool area. Howard said this guy is up to a lot of stuff. Robin said he doesn't seem like a nice man.
Robin read a story about how they're starting an impeachment inquiry into the President. Robin had audio of Nancy Pelosi announcing that yesterday. Howard asked if Bernie will go with her and move toward impeachment. Bernie said she's a scary bitch. He said the other day he saw her in the hallway and he thought it was a zombie. He said he thought that it was The Walking Dead. Robin said the President insists he didn't pressure the president of Ukraine. She had some audio of Trump talking about that. Fake Joe Biden popped in to say hello. Howard said he thought he told him not to come in today. Fake Joe did his bit anyway. Howard said he told him not to come in. He told him to go home.
Robin read a story about James Comey and how this impeachment is going to let the American people off the hook. Robin had some audio of Comey talking about how we have to let the votes show what the American people think. Howard said this is a weird situation. He said if the President was calling the guy in the Ukraine and withholding taxpayer money that's owed to them then what are they supposed to do? He said he'd rather see an election too but this is weird.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is the best show in 3 months. He said between Ivanka, Arnold and Bernie it's perfect. Howard said don't get any ideas they can maintain this level of show. Fake Arnold said it's hard to jizz for 24 hours straight. He said he's going to try. He jizzed some more for them.
Robin had some audio of Stephen Colbert talking about this Ukraine thing. Robin said the President is tweeting about this today. He said that no president has been treated as bad as him. Robin said ask Bill Clinton about that. Robin said Hillary is calling him a corrupt human tornado now. Howard said she should have come up with that in 2016. Howard talked to Bernie about that for a short time. Bernie was coming up with a bunch of names they could call Donald.
Robin read a story about Justin Trudeau admitting that he had dressed in black face years ago. Robin said he dressed up in costume for a party. Robin read some details about that and fake Arnold made some jokes about cumming on a black face. Robin had some audio of Justin apologizing for what he did. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard thanked Bernie Sanders, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the others for being there. Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Today's show was over around 11:15am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.