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Howard started the show talking about how they're one minute in and he's wondering if the show is over yet. He started to sing ''Love Shack'' by the B-52s and talked about how great that guy was when he was on the show. He said he loves that guy. He asked Fred to play that song. He said they could put out an album like that. He said they just haven't figured it out. Fred played the song and Howard said those girls were so hot. He said he couldn't be in that band because he'd be yelling out ''Love shack baby!'' all the time. He said he thinks they're from Rhode Island. He said if Fred wrote him a song like that he'd sing that. He said he could change his whole style for that song.
Howard said he and his friend Pat were talking about the B-52s. He said they always talk about them when he's doing his workout. He said that he's always singing ''Love shack baby!'' with him.
Howard said he told his wife he wants to marry her again and she wants nothing to do with that. He said she thinks it's unlucky to do that. He said once you marry him you're in shock and you don't want to go back to it.
Howard said guest from his wedding have really changed in 10 years. He said Trump is now the president. He said it's really weird what happens to people in 10 years. He said Kelly Ripa has gone through 2 co-hosts. He said Chevy Chase was in the paper being interviewed and he's kind of bitter. He said that Joan Rivers is dead, John Stamos is married, Jimmy is married with two kids. He said Billy Joel has gone through two wives. He said Phoebe Snow is dead. He said Jillian Barberie was there and he was wondering what she's up to. Robin said she has a makeup she represents and sells on QVC. Howard said he invented Benjy to his wedding and he wanted a vegetarian meal at the wedding. He said look at him now.
Howard said he'll do anything to get that Tan Mom song out of his head. He said the whole time he had that song stuck in his head. He said Tan Mom makes him crazy. He said that every song she makes is about how she's not Tan Mom and she doesn't want to be in the Wack Pack. He said it's always about that and nothing else. Robin said she has a specialty.
Howard said he was thinking about the song. Fred played some of the produced song but Howard said he was thinking about the live performance. He played some of that. Howard said Tan Mom was so nervous that her eyes were rolling back into her head. Howard played the song and said it's very catchy. He said he was singing the ''She's free to be Patricia Marie'' in the shower. He said that's what kept going through his head. He said that was the loop stuck in his head all weekend. He said it was a nightmare.
Howard said this guy Adam was singing in the song and then Tan Mom comes into it. He said it's the greatest. He said it's better than Love Shack. Howard played more of the song and laughed about Tan Mom screwing it up.
Howard said the song is on the app and on HowardStern.com. He said it would be less narcissistic if she had a song about her dog's food or something. He said it's always about her. Howard said he thinks her fame has taken over her life. He said it's almost like a gilded cage. He said it's bringing her fame but she is really Patricia Marie. He said she has to be the most successful singer with a plate in her head.
Howard said Ronnie is such a dodo head. He said he asked him to bring in that wand to use on her as a metal detector. He said he wondered if she had a plate in her head if it would set it off. He said he had Ronnie run it over her head. He said he was running it over his watch to make it go off. He said he asked Gary what was up with that. He said he was doing that as a joke. Howard said he wanted reality. He said everyone is shticking it up. He said Ronnie told Gary and Jason he was going to do that and he was told not to do it. He said he couldn't resist doing it. He said he'll never have Ronnie do that again. He said he was so pissed off about that. He said he told him to move his watch away and it set it off with the plate. He said he doesn't need shtick.
Howard said Ronnie thinks he's funny now. He said he doesn't realize that he's not funny, he's funny because of who he is. He said he thinks he's Ronnie the Joke Man. Robin said he's' like Ronnie Dangerfield.
Howard said he knows Ronnie thinks he's funny. Ronnie said he's a fucking funny guy. Howard said he just wanted him to run it over her head. He said he didn't want him to do it with his watch. Howard said he wanted reality. He said Jason is the guy to run the wand from now on. He said he told him no so why did he do it. Ronnie said he just fucking did it. He said he didn't say it was funny.
Howard said he didn't want it to go off if it wasn't real. Jason said that it wasn't just him that told him not to do it. Howard said he had to tell him to move his watch. He said he kept running it over his watch. Jason said he had to tell him that twice. He said it doesn't matter who tells him.
Howard said he doesn't get him. He asked Robin if he gets what he's saying. Robin said of course she does. Howard said this stuff is going to his head. He said he thinks he's funny. Howard asked Fred if he's right. Fred said of course he was. Ronnie said that no one would ever say that he's wrong. Howard asked what he's wrong about. Ronnie said anything else. He said he's right about this but anything else.
Howard said you should see Ronnie driving. He said this morning he was driving so fast. He said he was going pretty fast. Ronnie said he was doing the normal speed. Howard said this guy was not a good driver and he swerves into their lane. Ronnie said he had to swerve because he came out of a parking space. Howard said if he was going the right speed he wouldn't have had to do that. Howard said there was no defensive driving going on.
Jason told Howard that Ronnie told him about the accidents he's been in. Ronnie said they were 40 years ago.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel was fascinated with Ronnie's animal hospital in Vegas. He said he brought up how Siegfried and Roy might bring in a tiger there. Ronnie said Howard knows nothing about driving and he's sorry about that. He said at least he admits he makes mistakes. He said he was wrong about the guy swerving in front of him this morning. He said Howard wasn't sliding across the seat. Howard said he gasped out loud. Ronnie said he heard that. Howard said he's had drivers that don't do that. Ronnie said don't blame the guy who pulled out in front of him. He said he got them from getting hit. Howard said Ronnie is out of control.
Howard said Ronnie fucking hates him. He said it's his passive aggressive bullshit that comes out. Robin said that Howard shouldn't know what's going on up there. He said he should be able to sit back there and relax. Ronnie said he can't give him a heads up about that. Howard said Ronnie plays chicken with these people. He said you have to see it. He said he rides on people's bumpers. Ronnie said you can't help it in Manhattan.
Howard said Robin loves roller coasters. He said he takes one to work every day. He said you can't read the paper.
Howard took a call from the ghost of Princess Diana who said that she'd never get in a car with Ronnie. Howard said that she's on a constant loop of ''Candle in the Wind.''
Howard and the guys were all goofing on Ronnie about his driving. Howard said he was going out of his mind with that wand thing. He said he kept running it over his watch. He said he didn't know how to work the wand. Ronnie said he knows how to work it. Howard said then he found out he was doing shtick. He said then he found out Jason told him not to do that. Howard said maybe he has a plate in his head. Ronnie said maybe he does. Jason said it wasn't even subtle. He said he had his watch out and he just went over it. Robin said she though he was testing it.
Gary said he thought he had missed a meeting about how they were going to do that. Howard said that was just Ronnie doing his own thing. He and Fred did their Ronnie voices talking about doing the bit.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that it's time for an evaluation of Ronnie's driving. He said that you should be behind a car far enough to see the tires on the ground. Bobo asked if he uses his signal when he changes lanes. The guys all said there's no way he does. Bobo asked a few more questions and Ronnie just said that he's an idiot. He said he doesn't drive in Manhattan. Bobo said he did. He asked if he brakes hard after following too close and things like that. Ronnie said he blows his horn if someone else blows their horn.
Howard said he's always honking. Ronnie said they're in Manhattan. Howard said it seems excessive to him. Howard said he thinks that Ronnie knows exactly what he's doing. He said there's constant horn blowing. He said it's always the car behind them. Ronnie said he just thinks it is. He said Robin drives like shit. Robin kept saying stuff so he went off on her. Ronnie said he has awards on his wall for safe driving. He said he has no accidents.
Howard said Ronnie does four of the five things he asked about. Ronnie told him to write that down on his shitty paper. Ronnie said he will never let him get in his car. He said that he has to beat him in a race. Ronnie said he's been waiting for that. Bobo said he's waiting too. Howard said he should make it happen. Ronnie said they're waiting on them to make that decision. Howard said just make it happen.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he didn't get the puppet thing. Howard said they're not talking about that right now. He hung up on the guy and went off on him for a minute. Howard said just listen to Jason when he tells him not to run the thing over his watch. Ronnie said he heard him and he told him that. Howard said he just knew it would be funny if he ran that thing over his watch. He asked if he was thinking just ''fuck Jason'' for telling him not to do that. Ronnie said he didn't think that.
Howard said he told Jason to have them sing live and see if there's a plate in her head. He said he just wanted him to run the thing over her head. He wanted to see if would go off. Ronnie said he was wrong for doing it. He asked what the fuck Jason wants from him. Howard said he's going to put up a new video where they show every angle of Ronnie wanding her head. He said he's going to do it in slow motion to see if he's doing his shtick. Ronnie said he already said he was wrong. Howard asked if he will listen to Jason from now on or just do his thing. Jason said he will just do his thing. He said he barrels through with his own ideas.
Howard said Ronnie is funny because he's Ronnie. He said when he makes jokes he's not funny. He said now he's funny. He said when he tries to be funny he's not funny. He said when he's Ronnie he's funny. He said it's funny to hear him talking about opening an animal hospital. Ronnie asked why that's a scream. Howard said that's funny. He said he could do 4 hours on that. He said his wanding of the watch is not funny.
Howard said it's funny to hear Ronnie talking about retiring and relaxing by opening an animal hospital in Las Vegas. Howard said if you want to be funny then just answer a question. He said he has never worked in a hospital of any kind. He wants to open an animal hospital. Ronnie said he'll be in the office. He said he won't be working on the animals. Howard said people are laughing now. He said Jason is laughing. He said now he's funny.
Howard said this is funny and the wanding bit wasn't funny. Ronnie said he already said he was wrong. Howard said him doing correspondence at the hospital is funny. Howard said Ronnie is the guy who writes letters in Crayon. He said now he's killing. Ronnie said he's just speaking the truth. Howard asked how much of his own money he's putting into this thing. Ronnie said none. Howard said this is a scream.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if they have ever thought about putting a camera in the car with Ronnie. Howard said they should do that. Ronnie said no problem. Howard said they might go through a lot of cameras after they fly through the window. Howard said if you have someone in the back of the car going ''Whoa!'' there might be something wrong. Howard said Beth is always asking what's going on when she's back there with him. Ronnie said he won't drive her anymore. He said that if she's afraid for her life he won't drive her.
Howard said he shouldn't be going ''whoa!'' once a day. He said Ronnie knows it too. He said he hears it. Howard said how about slowing down so you don't hit guys. Ronnie said how about he slams on the brakes instead. Howard said he doesn't want him doing that either. He said he wants him to drive like a normal human being. He said if someone cuts them off then let them go. He said he wasn't going to let that guy go.
Jason said he gets what happened with the watch thing now. He said he just has no comprehension. Ronnie said they have no idea how to drive in Manhattan. Howard said there is a way to drive without swerving around. Ronnie said Howard should drive him around for a day and they'll see how that goes.
Howard said he can imagine getting a letter from Ronnie asking him to take him back after he opens that hospital. He said that he better have his head examined if he tries to open that animal hospital. He said he knows Ronnie. Jason said in 2 years he'll be 71 years old when the contract ends. He said that's when he'll start opening it. Ronnie said he's not even sure what will happen in 2 years. He said Jason will be lucky to make it to 50 with the way he's going.
Howard said Ronnie is right about that. He said the other day he ate a whole pig stuffed with bacon and cheese. Jason said it was bacon and sausage. He said that he did a whole pig roast. Howard said he should open a competing business out in Vegas next to Ronnie. Howard told Ronnie to calm down. Ronnie said he's fine.
Howard took a call from a guy who had to put his cat down over the weekend and said he was thinking about Ronnie being there trying to console someone. Ronnie said he won't be in that part of the business. Howard said he had to put his cat Leon down. He said the people who are there are so compassionate. He asked if you can imagine Ronnie being there. Ronnie said he won't be there for that.
Howard and Fred were doing their Ronnie voices trying to console people about their dying pets. Howard said one thing they agree on is that it has to be the Ronnie 69 Animal Hospital. The caller said that they all have to wear orange sneakers. Ronnie said he's sorry about this guy's cat, asshole.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie's life is littered with being a complete moron. He said they just have to live with it. Howard said he's attached to the guy. The caller said he hopes he has a good insurance policy. Howard said he hopes Ronnie does.
Howard said when Ronnie drove people around from the Today show he's sure they were fine. He said he had to show them how smooth he was driving. He said that he knows the difference. He said he knows Ronnie hates him. Ronnie said he just drives the way he drives. He said there is no carrying on. He said that's how you drive in Manhattan.
Howard said Ronnie should talk to his psychiatrist because he drives like that if he doesn't pay attention to him for 10 minutes. Ronnie laughed and said he should talk to his own psychiatrist. Howard said think about what he's saying. Ronnie said he is. He laughed. He said this is the biggest fucking joke. Howard said he's not Howard so don't work out his shit in his car. He told him to go to a psychiatrist.
Ronnie was laughing about him not talking to him for 10 minutes. He said that this is the weirdest thing he's ever heard. Howard said it's embarrassing. The guys said that Ronnie is laughing too hard over this. Ronnie said it's just weird. Howard said he should explore this with his shrink. He said just see what he says. Ronnie said they'll tell him to send the white truck to Howard's address.
Howard said he's scaring him with this stuff. Ronnie was still laughing like he was nuts. Howard said he has a lot of his mind. Ronnie said he odes. He said he's going to bring this up with his shrink. Howard asked what he's going to tell his shrink. Ronnie said he'll tell him about what he said about driving him around. He said he doesn't use his name. Ronnie said he'll tell him what Howard said about his driving. He mention that they're in bumper to bumper traffic. Robin said not at that time of morning. Howard said it wasn't today. Ronnie said he wasn't saying it was.
Ronnie said he has other things to do. He said he has to go do them now. Howard told him to go. He said he may not even be aware of what he's doing. He said he's paying attention to him and he is his guy. He said he has to talk to his psychiatrist about this. Robin asked how the ride is when he is talking to him. Howard said it's as smooth as can be. He said he slows down and he's calm. He said when he puts the divider up then he'll go flying around in the back like 5 or 6 times. He said he's been watching this guy his entire adult life. He said he's as transparent as can be.
Howard said there are a lot of people who can't be around him. He said they have issues like Ronnie does. He told Ronnie to take care of that. He let him go do whatever he had to do. They played a song parody about Ronnie and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said Richard loves to get porn on the air somehow. He said a star was born after that. He played a bunch of other appearances where people called Ethel ''sir.'' He played that compilation of clips and said see no one ever thought she was a woman.
Howard said Richard loves this impression and he refuses to give it up. He said he called a political show as Ethel and called in with a new bleeping machine. Howard played the call and Richard called in about using salty language and how she has a bleeping machine that she found at a yard sale. She bleeped herself saying mother fucker, bullshit, fuckin' a dude and others. Then the machine broke and she cursed and got them out on the air a few times. They hung up on her and she called back in with the machine fixed but then it broke again so some more curses got out on the show. The host kept calling Ethel a ''him'' and a man.
Howard said that guy respects that ''man'' known as Ethel. Howard said the Labor Day phony phone-a-thon is streaming on the app now. He said you can hear even more of that kind of stuff there.
Howard said Richard had a big scratch on his face. He said he thinks that he doesn't know to cut the baby's nails. He said he doesn't know what's going on with that. He said his son must have claws like Wolverine.
Richard came in and said they were playing and his son cut him. Howard asked if he pulled a knife on him. Richard jokingly said he cut him with a fork. Howard asked if they cut the nails. Richard said they file them with a file. He said he won't sit still for them to cut them. Howard said they have to be parents and get that done.
Howard said he went out for a walk and he saw a house with a tag sale. He said he and his wife stood around to see what people walked out with. He said there were cars lined up on the street waiting to get in there. He said that the people all know one another and they tell each other where the tag sales are. He said he'd never do that. He said he bets that some of these people marry each other. He said one guy had a spritz bottle. He said it was filthy.
Richard said he went to the auctions and he loved that. He said this one guy bought a case of guns and stuff and the guy looked like Leatherface. Howard said it's so crazy. He said he's so wound up and tense. He said that these people drive up on the lawns and stuff. He said it should be outlawed. He said they're all having a tag sale. Robin said that they put up signs all over the place too. Howard said people walkout with old Life magazines and stuff. He said they may have been in a basement for 17 years. He said that he had to see what they were bringing out.
Howard said this one guy came out with a big box of something. He said he sees this woman and asked if she's going over to another place for the tag sale. He said he's carrying it wearing black socks in shorts. He said then this other woman walks into the tag sale and she's going over there next. He said those two are going to get married. He said the box is full of garbage. He said it makes him crazy.
Robin said people get great joy out of this shit. Howard said they just Howard it all. He said it's all shit moving from house to house. He said his wife had to tell him to calm down. He said he just sees that people are buying shit. He said he's not buying into that shit. Richard said sometimes you find something like a Rembrandt in there. Howard said that happens to one person every 15 years or so.
Richard said he used to buy used dirty magazines at the pawn shop. He said it was 50 cents for a Penthouse. Howard asked if he showered this morning. Richard said he did. Howard said Richard went for a run the other day and shorted out his iPod and smart watch with his sweat. Richard said he shorted out his headphones too. Howard told him to get out of there. They went to break.
Gary asked if he saw the walk to the 18th hole. He said people were cheering. Howard said he didn't see that. Gary said he's been doing very well and winning lately. Howard said people got exited about it. Robin said Gary gets exited for stuff like that. Gary said that he does but not for this. Robin said Gary understands people getting exited about things that he gets excited about. Robin said Gary gets excited about vinyl and they don't. She said he should understand that.
Howard said he has a vinyl version of Paul McCartney's new album but he doesn't have a record player. He said Gary must be jealous about that. Robin said he'll have to go to Gary's house to play it. Gary said he has a great setup over there. He said he has SVS speakers and a sub woofer.
Howard said he has a bunch of Baba Booey shout outs to play. He has one from January during the women's march in Los Angeles. He said that you have to listen carefully. He played the clip and a woman yelled out Baba Booey. Robin said that's so cool. Howard said very few women do it. He said that they have had a few like Mariann from Brooklyn and Sarah Silverman yell it out. Howard said it's a big deal when a woman does it. Robin said it was nice that it was at the woman's march too. Howard said almost no women yell out ''Hit 'em with the Hein.''
Howard said the night that Trump announced Brett Kavanaugh there was a shout out. He said that he thinks that he's done because Julie Chen said her name is now Julie Chen Kavanaugh. Howard played her clip where she said her full name was Julie Chen Moonves. Howard said he doesn't give that marriage much hope. Gary said sometimes people need time to think things out.
Howard said the other thing was that the Giants finally won. Gary said they're 1-2. Howard and Gary talked about that and about the Jets losing.
Howard played another Baba Booey shout out on C-Span the night that Trump announced Kavanaugh. They cut that guy right off.
Howard said they had a nun throw out a first pitch and an announcer said he was glad she didn't ''Baba Booey it.'' Howard played that clip. The nun threw a perfect pitch. Howard that's mother superior because she's superior to Gary. Gary said his Twitter feed is filled with clips of people throwing good pitches. He said he gets it all.
Howard said at every golf tournament they yell out at least one Baba Booey. Howard said this guy did two at one hole this time. Howard played the clip and the guy got in two at the same hole. Howard said that was a banner day for that guy.
Howard said there was a low key Baba Booey at another golf tournament. Howard played that clip and the person got in a low key ''Baba Booey'' that was more nuanced than some of the other yells. Howard said that was nice.
Howard said this is still going strong. He said he forgets to play them because there are so many of them. He said they have to celebrate Baba Booey with a song. He played a Baba Booey song parody by Eli Braden.
Howard said Pete Davidson is there and he's wanted to talk to this guy. He said that he is friends with Nick Cannon and he's an interesting guy. He said his romantic life is all over the press. He said he walks down the street and people congratulate him on that. He said he's just doing his thing. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he has Pete Davidson there. He said Pete is promoting the fact that it's the 44th season premiere for Saturday Night Live this week. Robin said that's way older than Pete is. Howard asked if that's the most successful TV show in the history of television. Pete said he doesn't know. Howard said that seems to be some sort of record. Pete said it's excessive.
Howard asked how Pete is doing. Pete said he's good, how about Howard. Howard said he's getting by. He said it's a pleasure to meet him.
Howard said everyone he knows who owned a pig has said it's a nightmare. Pete said he just got this one. He said it was warned that it will get to be over 100 pounds. He said he's excited about it. Howard said he named it Piggy Smalls. He said he feels bad because they end up not knowing what to do with the pig. He said they're the most brilliant kind of animal from what he hears. He asked if he eats pigs. Pete said he eats all of that stuff. He said he's not eating his own pig.
Howard said he knows that people are focused on his relationship with Ariana Grande but he wants to go over his life. He said that he grew up in Staten Island. Pete said he did. He said it's a piece of shit there. Howard said it's funny that people get upset when he attacks it. Pete said he's not sure what they're repping. Howard said he grew up on Long Island and he just lived there. He asked what was so bad about Staten Island. Pete said he describes it as how his dad died on 9/11 and he was bullied on the 12th. He said it's a place where it's still like the 1980s.
Howard said his dad died on 9/11 because he was a first responder and he was only a 33 year old guy. Pete said he was only 7 at the time. He said that he now sees that it was very young to die.
Howard said what he found interesting is that his mom was a great woman because she drove him to clubs to do stand up when he was 16 because it's the only thing that made him happy. Pete said she just turned 50. He said that she's great. She never dated anyone after that. Pete said that she was very sad after his dad passed. He said that she just did her thing and put her effort into her two kids. He said he would love for her to go out and date someone.
Howard asked if Pete feels a burden to take care of her emotionally because of that. Pete said yes. He said that it's a lot more so now. He said that she's alone. He said his sister in off in college. He said it makes him feel like shit. Howard said he felt like he had to take care of his mother because she didn't have a mother. Pete said he's not sure what to do. He said he's been in therapy since 2000. He said that he's been in therapy since he was old enough to think. He said he was in it when he was 6.
Howard asked if he didn't have a lot of friends. Pete said he had one or two. Howard said his stand up is killer and he thought people would want to be around him. Pete said he was really weird and it was probably his fault. Howard asked how he was weird. Pete said he was bouncy and all over the place doing cartwheels and stuff. Howard asked if his teachers hated him. Pete said they did. He said he would put tissues in his shirt and pretend he had tits and stuff. He said he didn't know when to start it. He said he was bald from 10-15 because he would rip his hair out after his dad died. He said he looked insane and acted insane.
Howard said that the hair must have been something to get him to stop thinking about his dad. Howard said he was pulling hair out of his beard. Pete said he looked insane. Howard said Rosie O'Donnell said she would break the bones in her hand with a baseball bat. He said that pain was easier to deal with than losing her mother.
Howard said Pete was like a lab rat for kids who lost their parents in 9/11. Pete said when it happened they had a lot of medical people from Cornell and places like that. He said they would come over and interview him and say crazy things to see if he'd buy into it. He said that they'd ask if he thought his dad was still alive. He said he hopes not because he'd be a big dick if he didn't come home.
Howard said Pete was diagnosed as being borderline. Pete said it's flip flopping. He said that he thinks his family is fucked up genetically. Howard said his dad is alive and he didn't die in 9/11. He said he just wanted to get out of the house. Pete said he's thought about that actually.
Howard asked why he went to school the next day if his dad was gone. Pete said they didn't know if he was dead for a week or so. He said that it may have been the following Monday that he went back to school when he got bullied. Howard asked who broke the news to him that dad wasn't coming home. Pete said his parents had gotten divorced a year before. He said it was a rough ending. He said he was seeing him once a week. He said his dad had his stuff and it was just weird before it happened.
Pete said he got rid of the internet. He said that he can't go on Instagram or anything now. Howard said he must have people telling him he has to be on. Pete said he doesn't care. He said it makes him feel weird about himself. Howard asked if it's the comments. Pete said it's when people shit on anything he posts. Howard said he loves his radio show because he could talk about anything and no one had the ability to come back at him. He said now everyone can. He said everyone bashes him. Pete said it's bad.
Howard asked if he can handle it. Pete said he wants to bash people's heads in. He said he got a death threat for dating Ariana. He said it's insane that they want to shoot him in the face because she's so hot. Howard said guys are always like that. He said when he was a kid he would go to parties and he wondered why the girls were hooking up with his friends. He said some guy is sitting at home seeing Pete with Ariana and he wants to shoot him in the face. He asked if he has a security detail now. Pete said he odes and it's rough and weird.
Howard said as a stand up it must be tough to hold on to that mindset to do what he dos. Pete said he hates everyone and he does best by walking around.
Howard said he heard a story about Lorne Michaels. He said he heard that he likes Jack Nicholson and he invited Pete over to meet him. He said Pete turned down the offer. Pete said they were in L.A. and he was asked if he wanted to go. He said he just said no and he didn't want to ask stupid questions. He said he can't live with Jack Nicholson hating him. He said he figure if he met him he'd hate him.
Howard said he has been a big proponent of pot being legal. Howard said he doesn't smoke it but he thinks it should be legal. Pete said he went to rehab for it but he's been smoking it every day for 8 years. He said he had no way to stop and he had to go to rehab to get out of it. He said that he loved it. He said he was sober for 3 months at one point and he hated it. He said he didn't want to feel like that.
Howard asked if he drinks. Pete said not really. He said he has Crohn's and it helps with that. He said that's a shit disease. He said that he shits and it hurts. He said he's good now. He said when it was bad he was going 30-40 times a day. He said there was a point when he was 110 pounds and he wasn't able to get out of bed.
Howard asked if he has hemorrhoids. Pete said he does. Howard said he has to get a Toto toilet. Pete said he's not sure if he's ready for that lifestyle. Howard said he loves shooting that water up his asshole. He said it's fucking awesome. Pete said he'll think about that.
Howard said Pete still smoke weed to help with the Crohn's. Pete said that he got a hunch from the muscles tensing up. He said he's 6'3'' tall. Howard said he hunches over too. He said that he has his wife tell him to tell him when he hunches. Pete said that he hunches over eating too. Howard said he does that too.
Howard said you'd think they'd embrace their height. Pete said he feels like a goon. Howard said Pete has said he looks like a Praying Mantis. Howard said he feels the same way. He said he tells Robin that all the time. Pete said he's so boney too. He said it has to hurt to be on top of a woman.
Howard said Pete loses his father and that's a mind fuck. He said they're doing all of this shit and he was an unhappy student. Pete said he wasn't a bad student. He said he didn't do any work but he still had a 75 average. He said he was suicidal and stuff. He said when he was 9 he tried to drown himself. He said that he would stop at the last second. He said he was in the deep end of the pool and tried to get his head stuck in the ladder but his head was too big.
Howard said he thinks about Chris Cornell and how he died. He said there was something that kept Pete alive. He said that there had to be something enjoyable. Pete said he didn't think he could leave his mom with that. He said he'd be okay with his sister but not his mom. He said his sister is younger than he is and she's doing great. He said it fucking blows his mind. He said she has no issues.
Howard asked if his mom is relieved with him doing so well. Pete said she still wants to do his laundry. He said she is working on finding something to keep her busy. He said that he just has to find her something. Howard asked what she's going to do. Howard said he paints. Pete said his friend had a kid and she's over at his house all the time. He said she just goes over and hangs with the kid. Pete said he's just overwhelmed.
Howard asked Pete what got him into comedy. Pete said he was a fan of Dave Chappelle. He said that guy innovated a lot of shit. Howard said it's odd when someone is that successful and they get shit on. Pete said it feels weird getting famous. He said it feels gross. He said everyone kind of sucks. He said that all of your heroes kind of suck. Howard asked if that's why he didn't want to meet Jack Nicholson. Pete said he has no doubt that he's the coolest mother fucker in the world.
Howard said he was so invisible growing up that he loves being famous. He said he fits in a little bit. He said at the same point he's totally self conscious about it. Pete said he's embarrassed that he's doing well. He said he never feels like he deserves anything. He said he doesn't feel he deserves what he's getting paid. Howard said now people are mad at him for dating Ariana. Pete said he's a very lucky guy.
Howard said there is a shit load of anger there toward him and this Ariana. Pete said he kind of gets it.
Howard said Pete didn't grow up watching Saturday Night Live. Pete said he didn't know it was still on. He said he thought it was on until 2000 and then it wasn't. Howard asked if he read about Chevy Chase and what he said about Saturday Night Live. Pete said he's an asshole and a putz. He said he hasn't done anything since 1983. He said his career stopped when everyone realized he's a jerk off. He said he should know more than anyone that it's not easy. He said Lorne gave him a career and he was the first person on it but he's shitting on him. He said he was a great actor and there should be some appreciation there.
Howard said Pete gets into stand up and starts in a bowling alley or something. Pete said there's nowhere to do stand up on Staten Island. He said it's just a bunch of restaurants. He said he knew this guy Craig Loydgren who did stand up and he was the only guy he knew. He said the comedy club was in a bowling alley and it was attached to a Wendy's. He said there's nothing funny about Staten Island.
Howard asked what he had written down. Pete said he would write down word for word what he wanted to say. He said he had never done it before. He said he would practice in the mirror and for his one friend. Howard said Jerry Seinfeld writes it all down like that. He said then you see that Tracy Morgan just wings it.
Howard said he would think that it's the hardest thing to get people to laugh in a bowling alley. Pete said it's a bringer show and he had to bring a couple of kids he knew. He said they were friends with him when the basketball team wasn't around. Howard said he sounds a little more popular than him. Pete said if they were in a group of people they didn't want to talk to him. Howard said that's the worst nightmare in the world. Pete said it was so embarrassing.
Howard asked what the kids were doing to him after 9/11. Pete said that it was just him not being treated very well. He said when you're in it then it's awful.
Howard said he had that guy Steve Rannazzisi on the show and he had lied about being down at ground zero. He said he felt he owed Pete and apology about that. Pete said it was awkward. He said he was a fan of the show The League that he was on. He said he tweeted him about how he got into comedy because of 9/11. He said that he got a weird response from him and he didn't think much of it. He said he was trying to be funny about it. He said that he made some jokes about it and Steve felt bad about it and reached out a bunch. He said it didn't affect him at all really. He said that he did tell him that he's the 9/11 boy and not him. He said he was just joking around about it. He said that he felt really weird about it for years because Steve took it the wrong way.
Howard asked Pete if he ever thought about joining the military to get back at those guys who killed his dad. Pete said not really. He said he's not tough enough for that. Howard said he had the guy who put the bullet in bin Laden's head on the show. He said he loved that guy. Pete said he found out about that day when he was out at some practice. He said that he heard some ''fodder'' about it that day. Howard said he heard chatter. Pete wasn't sure if he was using that right. He said he and his mom heard about it and they were like ''Finally.'' He said it was like ''thank god.'' Pete said you want to hunt the guy down and then it gets taken care of. Howard said it must be something you obsess about. Pete said that he was all for it. Howard said the guy told him he shot him right in the face and saw his face split open. Pete said that's awesome.
Howard asked if he killed that night he did stand up for the first time. Pete said he did okay. He said that he felt good about himself. He said the second time went well and then he bombed for months. He said some audiences liked that he was a young kid. He said then other audiences didn't want to pay to see some kid.
Howard asked how he got to be friends with Nick Cannon. Pete said they found him doing stand up at the Loony Bin and they brought him on his show that he had there at SiriusXM. Pete said he did that and Nick signed him to work with him. Howard said people think that Pete is black but he's not even sure what he is. Pete said he's told he's white but he's not sure. He said he did genetic tests and they said he was 4 percent black.
Howard said he meets Nick and he's one of the youngest guys to be signed on Saturday Night Live. He said that Nick put him on TV and he gets a role in a movie with Bill Hader. He said then Bill Hader says something to Lorne and he gets the job on Saturday Night Live. Pete said that's what he was told. He said he had a lot of help and luck. He said he was on the set of this movie and he barely said a word to Bill. He said it was in the movie Trainwreck. He said that Amy asked him to be in it and Bill Hader saw him and told Lorne about him. Howard said that's fucking crazy. Pete said that he didn't think he should be the one guy Bill recommends to Lorne.
Howard asked what he said to Bill that Bill thought was so funny. Pete said he and Bill just improved for like 15 minutes. He said that was about it. He said that he just left thinking that guy doesn't hate him. He said he doesn't know how to do improv. He said he just wanted to do stand up. He said he can have full control and do what he wants. He said that's what he's good at. Howard said maybe Saturday Night Live derailed his stand up. Pete said it did kind of. He said he isn't half as good as he was when he was 19 years old.
Howard asked why it diminishes when you don't do it for a while. Pete said he's not sure how to even start a joke. He said he apologizes to the audience before doing a show now.
Howard said he loved when he did the Justin Bieber roast. He asked if he wrote that stuff himself. Pete said he had a friend he wrote with. Howard asked if he likes roasting. Pete said he does. He said you can shit on people and that's what you're there for. Howard said Jeff Ross is great. Pete said Greg Giraldo was great too. Howard said Lisa Lampanelli is great to.
Pete said it's great to see people being humanized and joking about themselves. He said he thinks it made a huge difference when Justin did his thing. He said he tells Justin all the time how he can't believe that he hasn't killed someone. Pete said if he had 200 million dollars and he was 18 years old he'd be in a lot more trouble.
Howard asked if Bill Hader called to tell him about the Saturday Night Live thing. Pete said Bill called and told him he told Lorne about him to do an audition. He said they had two rounds of auditions and then they have you on stage in front of Lorne. He said he didn't care because he knew he wasn't going to get a job there. He said he can't do impressions. He said he can't do it to save his life. Howard said Pete comes out during the news and tells everyone how things are going to be. Pete said he's not good at doing the shit in the sketches. He said he goes to the writers meetings and he'll tell them an idea. He said he had an idea for a bit to tape over your pee hole so you don't drip. He said he got stone faced looks. He said he thinks it's just a certain way that comedy works and his dick jokes don't go over well there.
Howard said he does a lot of dick jokes. He said Lorne Michaels was thinking he was kind of young but they could make it work. Pete said he thought he'd be fired after a year. He said he met with Lorne and Lorne said he was funny but young and he thinks he'd get eaten alive there. Pete said he didn't think it would be good for him either. He said he was honored to meet with him. He said Lorne asked if that's all he had to say. Pete said that he had nothing else to say. Howard asked how he got the job. Pete said he got the call and Lorne said he didn't know what to do with him but they were going to give it a try. Howard said that's great.
Howard asked who pitches the bits the best. Pete said this guy Tim Robinson was the best. He said he's the king of pitching. He said that he had one where he said he's a fat guy who lost weight and you're in a bank and the bank gets robbed and the guy yells ''get on the floor fat boy!''
Howard asked if he freaked out when he was on air the first time. Pete said he thought he was going to be on once or twice and get fired. He said he doesn't really fit in over there. Howard said he thinks he's the least talented guy to be on the show. Howard said that he's funny. He said that this guy is fucking funny. He said he doesn't have to tell people he's untalented. Pete said he doesn't feel like he deserves it. Howard said he has some of that too.
Pete said that he'd like to be able to just take a compliment. Howard asked what happens internally with him. Pete said he feels embarrassed. Howard asked if he feels weird getting paid over there. Pete said they kind of pay low over there. He said that this is the first year he's being paid well. He said he's just going with whatever it is. He said he told Lorne he doesn't belong there but Lorne said he thinks he can hang in there. Howard said God bless Lorne Michaels.
Howard asked if he's going to stick with it. Pete said he's going to just go with the flow. Howard said that Norm Macdonald was on the show the other day talking about Pete being with Ariana who was a guest on Saturday Night Live. Howard said she was the guest singer the first time he was on Saturday Night Live. Howard said she did great impressions on Saturday Night Live. Pete said that she can do any of your favorite singers. He said that she's way better at that shit than he is. He said she's a fucking machine.
Howard said he has low self esteem and he'd never think that he could date Ariana Grande. Howard asked how he knew he could get that going. Pete said that timing is everything. He said that they were both in similar situations. He said that he was dating and she was dating and they had both broken up around the same time. Howard said he loves love stories. He said that Ariana saw him in a writer's meeting. Pete said he thought he bombed. He said he was just staring at her. He said that he was looking at her like she was some robot. Howard said you don't get girls like that. Pete said nope. Pete said this is like the coolest thing ever. He said that Scooter Braun is the one who set them up. He said that there was an assortment of things going on. He said everything feels so extreme with him. Howard asked if his moods could destroy the relationship. Pete said that some people are meant to be together and some aren't. He said that he thinks that they're supposed to be together.
Howard said it's scary because that shit feeling can carry over. He said he feels like Beth is too good for him. Pete said he scrolled through a list of guys that she could date and made sure she didn't want to date them. Howard said that seems to be the secret to his success. He said that he says to her that he's not good enough for her and it must be endearing in a way. Pete said he didn't want her to be unhappy. He said he's just trying to save everyone from himself.
Howard asked what he does when Ariana says he has a 10 inch cock. Howard said he has like one inch. He said he'd like to be able to whip it out and pee in front of men. Pete said he can't pee in front of men. He said he needs the water running. Howard said he does too. Pete said it's just weird to piss in front of strangers. Pete said he used to sit to pee. Howard said he still does.
Pete said he used to think his dick looked small because his hands are big. He said Ariana is tiny and it may just look like 10 inches to her. Howard said that he wishes he had his penis. He said he has penis envy.
Howard said Pete is in the spotlight on Saturday Night Live and he has this fabulous girlfriend and he's talking about marriage. Pete said he is. He said if she lets him sure. Howard asked when they're going to get married. Pete said they have a game plan.
Howard said he loves love stories. He asked how he worked up the nerve to ask her out. Pete said luckily Scooter told him that she had some interest in him. He said he thought he was full of shit. He said he went over to visit her thinking that she wanted to be his friend. He said he was shitting his pants when he went over there. Howard asked if he just wore sweat pants and a t-shirt. Pete said that's all he has. He said she was coming from the Met Gala thing that night. He said he would do anything for her but go there. He said she's really hot and he's next to her and it's embarrassing for him. Howard said he was at the Grammy's rooting for her.
Howard said he goes to her apartment and he thinks that his sense of humor got her. Pete said he just hopes he doesn't wake up from this. Pete said he had to ask her friend if it was okay for him to stay. He said the friend told him to stay. He said they were there playing a game for like 2 hours. He said there were like 10 people there. Howard said he doesn't bring condoms here. Pete said if course not. He said he didn't think he had a shot. He said he asked her if he could kiss her please. He said that everyone left and it was just him and her. He said that he just went for it.
Howard said he must feel like a beast being with her. Pete said he did. He said she liked the kiss. He said he's always apologizing to her and saying she's awesome for doing this. He said he's so grateful for her touching him. Howard said this is why it's going to last. He said he's grateful.
Howard said he was with Beth and he can't believe it. He said that she's better than Playboy. Pete said it's like he's wearing VR glasses. He said it's insane and nuts. Howard asked if she ever gagged once. Pete laughed. He said she's a great person. Howard said now it's love.
Howard asked if she met his mom and if it went well. Pete said they have no issues at all. Howard said he'd writ her a thank you note every day if he were Pete. Howard asked where he was when he heard the song she wrote for him. Pete said she called and told him about it. He said she texted him and he cried when he heard it. He said no one gives a fuck about him and this was the nicest thing he had ever heard.
Howard asked if she fills that hole in his heart that hungers for his father. Pete said she fills all his holes. Pete said he feels safe. Howard said he's happy for him. He said he's one of those guys who is happy for him. Pete said it's Howard and his mom.
Howard asked if being with Ariana will make him so happy that he won't want to leave the house. Pete said no what's he's happy he wants to work. He said that being sad was counter productive. Howard said the myth about a comic being miserable is bullshit. Pete said it's all excuses.
Howard said this is fucking good. He said he's happy. He said the 44th season of Saturday Night Live is happening. He asked if he's still tight with Nick Cannon. Pete said they stay in touch. He said he's still good. He said Nick has been a day one guy. He said he has nothing but love for that guy.
Howard said he heard that he moved into Ariana's house and he was thanking her for that. Pete said he thanks her for everything. Howard said that's great. Howard said he has to work stuff out with her in that place. He said they have to talk about a pre-nup. Pete said he's good with whatever she wants. Howard said he likes all of this. He said he likes his sense of self. Pete said he's the nicest guy he's ever met.
Howard asked if he has a key to her apartment. Pete said he just got it last week. He said he has his own rack over there. Howard said Robin has had relationships like that. Robin said you do give them a drawer. Pete said that they wear the same clothes so all he has to get is pants. He said they share hoodies.
Howard said he goes on YouTube where Ariana does those impressions and it's wild. He asked if Robin has seen that. Robin said she has not. She said she is very talented though. Howard asked if Robin does any Ariana Grande songs. Robin said she has not. Howard said they should have Robin on to do something musical.
Howard asked who is going to be on this week. Pete said Adam Driver and Kanye West. Howard said that's interesting.
Howard asked if he's a hip hop guy. Pete said that he loves hip hop and rap. He said he's beaten it into a couple of his friends. He said that it sounds like shit to Howard but he has gotten people into it. He said if you're looking for purpose and meaning that's not what it is. He said it's just bouncing your head and getting lost. Howard said he thought Jay Z was deep. Pete said it is but that's not his favorite type of music. He said that he's not his favorite. He said Machine Gun Kelly and Kid Cudi are his guys.
Howard asked who he has met that were great. Pete said there are people who were surprising. Howard said Ariana was surprising. Pete said Sam Rockwell was a pleasure. He said he's a big fan of people you don't expect to be funny being funny. He said Jessica Chastain was great too. Howard asked if there are people who are a pain in the ass in the writer's room. Pete said that room is hostile. Howard said there's a book in him. Pete said he would just tell his stories. He doesn't nee to write them down.
Howard asked if anyone is upset about Alec Baldwin being Trump. Pete said that they all had their chance to do Trump but no one is butt hurt about it. He said they all understands what's best for the show. He said it's a team game. He said some people aren't thrilled about it. He said no one hates Alec. He said he's part of the family and just about a cast member.
Howard asked if Pete did a Trump impression audition. Pete said he did. He did it for Howard and he sounded like he was from Staten Island.
Howard asked if he wore the wig and stuff like that. Pete said they did. He said it's not an easy impression to do. Howard said some of those guys are great at impressions. He said Alec is amazing.
Howard said Pete is doing it all. He said he can't wait for the wedding. Pete said he can come. Howard said he would fill his body with tattoos of Ariana. Howard said he had to have one removed. Pete said he had it covered up. Howard said he showed up to Saturday Night Live with a full sleeve of tattoos. He asked if Lorne was unhappy about that. Pete said he wasn't thrilled about it. Howard said get one of Lorne. Pete said he should do one on his back. Howard said that's what he likes about him. He said that he doesn't give a fuck. Howard said Lorne is a genius. Pete said that Lorne is there until 4 in the morning with them when they work.
Howard said how about a double date. He said how about Colin Jost, Scarlett Johansson and Pete and Ariana. Pete said he'd do that. Howard said he loves going out with his wife. He said he marches around with his hot wife. Pete said he does that. He said Ariana is so hot and he's out with sweat pants and a joint in his ear. Pete said it's his favorite.
Howard said he's gone out to dinner and guys are hitting on his wife. Pete said he gets that. He said he was jerking off to Ariana before he met her. He said to last longer he thinks of his dad burning alive. Howard said that is dark. Robin said they just took a dark turn.
Howard asked what got him to the point where he could joke about that. Pete said it took a while. Howard said he must have laughed about it in therapy. Pete said that they know what they're doing and they tell him that it's not very funny. Howard said he would do routines in his sessions and the shrink won't laugh. Pete said that they see through it and tell you that you're hiding something.
Howard asked if he has gone to the same therapist. Pete said he has a team of doctors. He said the list in his phone is really long. He said there were too many at one point but he shortened that list.
Howard asked if he's on something. Pete said he's on Welbutrin and Prozac. Howard said he has to talk about the Crohn's off the air. He said he has some thoughts on that. He said he doesn't want him shitting his brains out.
Howard said he has to make sure there's nothing wrong with his dick. He said that he has to take care of that young woman. Pete said he's doing fine with that.
Howard said Pete is funny. He said he wants more Pete sketches and more Ariana doing impressions. He said he loves her doing Britney Spears. He said that's so great. Howard said he should have gone out with her. He said he'd be in jail. Howard said he thinks that he hears Pete saying what he's saying and he'd be in. Howard told him not to fuck this up in her apartment. He said don't take up too much room over there. Pete said nope.
Howard asked if he's into any big sketches this season. Pete said he's not sure, this is their first day back to work. Howard said Adam Driver should be good. He said he's always good.
Howard asked Pete about Bill Clinton eyeing up his girlfriend and the minister who put hi hand around her. Pete said that he's really tall and she's really little. He said he was making a stupid joke and it was a shitty situation. He said he didn't know it happened until later. He said that she was just like ''What the fuck's going on?'' Howard said he imagines her going to bed in high heels. He said she's so hot that people are feeling her up at the Aretha Franklin funeral. He said that this guy was grabbing tittie and Clinton was staring at her. He did his Bill Clinton impression. Pete said he's never been more proud. He said he loves that.
Howard said Pete is on a roll. He said he loved on him the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. He said he was great. He said this is a guy who had humble beginnings. He said hew as destined to be a comedian or a bowler. He asked if he has bowled there at the comedy club. Pete said he puts the things in the alley because he's not that good.
Howard gave Pete some plugs for his new season of Saturday Night Live and for being on the comedy channel there on SiriusXM. Howard said he's done it. He did more of his Bill Clinton impression for him. He had Pete laughing. Pete said if that's the worst he has to deal with then he's going to be fine.
Howard asked what season this is for him. Pete said it's his fifth. Howard told him do to some impressions this year. He said Norm did just one over there. He said that he did Burt Reynolds. Pete said that was great. Howard asked if he has a sketch to pitch. Pete said he'll get one on every few episodes. He said he's had a few on the air.
Howard asked Pete if he has a sketch he's going to pitch first. Pete said Lorne calls on whoever and they pitch. He said it's like school. He said it's a lot. Howard asked if it's a killer sketch. Pete said it makes him laugh. He said he'll write the stuff down. He said he'll tell Howard off the air. He said everyone is listening. He said he told Ariana what it was but she's also very nice to him.
Howard said he opened up with a vagina joke at her funeral. He said his wife didn't think it was a good idea. He said that maybe it's not a good idea to pitch them to Ariana. Pete said she has a sense of humor like he and his friends have. He said she's great. Howard said she's so hot that she turned that funeral into an orgy. Howard said he walks into a room and people flee. Pete said she's tougher than he is too. He said she carries herself very well. Howard said some day he'll meet her. Pete said she's there. Howard said he's going to meet her today. He said he'll hug her and grab some tittie. Howard asked if they're at that stage where they can't be separated. Pete said they are with each other all the time. He said she came to support him.
Pete said he was up in Syracuse shooting a movie and Ariana came up there and stayed a month. He said she's just back in the green room hanging. He said it's his buddy Joey Gay and her. He said he has a buddy named Dave who can't hold it in and always talks about how hot she is. He said it's kind of flattering. Howard said his friend Ralph introduced him to Beth and he's always talking about how hot she still is.
Howard said he has to get back to Ariana and get out of there. Pete said he was honored to be there. Howard said hot chicks have no idea how awful the world can be. He said they don't know what it's like to be an ugly guy in school. Howard said no one wanted to go to prom with him. Pete said he didn't go to his. He said he hung out with his mom.
Howard gave Pete some more plugs and asked if he feels he hasn't covered something today. Robin asked what he wants to tell the kids. Pete said go check out Machine Gun Kelly's new album. Howard said how about Snoop Dogg. Pete said he's good too. Pete said he was already a funny guy by the time he got into rap. Howard said he's done it all and they've learned a lot. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he likes this song. He said he'd like to hear Robin do this and some Ariana Grande. He said he likes that guy Pete Davidson. He said he enjoyed him. He said he's a young guy and he looks up to him. He said it's weird.
Howard was about to go to news but Fred asked him to do a live commercial read. Howard did that and then played a song parody for Robin.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Pete interview was amazing. He asked where else you can get an hour and a half long interview without interruption. Robin said not with that guy's phone. Howard said he enjoyed that interview too. He said he liked Pete very much.
Robin started her news with a story about Jane Fonda's documentary that's airing on HBO starting tonight. Robin had some details about that. She also said that she was at a lunch with Jane Fonda on Thursday. She said she got to see the documentary there. Robin said she answered questions about it there. She said she met Kerry Kennedy and Gloria Steinem and others there. Robin said that Jane looks so good she didn't recognize her. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Alec Baldwin being on a podcast talking about returning to play Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live this season. Robin had a clip for Howard to play. She said that he's saying that if he does leave then Kate McKinnon can play Trump because she's so talented. Howard said she's already doing 40 characters on the show. Howard said he would like to see Pete Davidson play Trump.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they were talking about having Leslie Jones play Trump. The caller said that he brings up back and neck pain all the time. Howard said just read Dr. John Sarno's books. The caller said that when he laughs he doesn't feel pain so thank you to Howard for the laughs.
Robin read a story about Jeff Bezos being on the David Rubenstein show talking about creating space vehicles. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Howard liked what he was hearing from Bezos talking about spreading human beings throughout the universe. Howard said that guy has some good ideas. He said he's not sure about having trillions of humans around because that will make more trolls for his Twitter feed.
Robin read a story about Michael Bloomberg appearing on a show and talking about what's going on with Trump. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Howard said he thinks that guy would be a great president. He said that guy works non stop. He said he never took any vacations when he was the mayor. Robin said he did too. Howard said of course he took some but not all that many.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella and he thinks that her resurgence has a lot to do with Howard's interview with her a while back. Howard said he hopes so. Ralph also said this Pete Davidson story is a cautionary tale. He said it's not like every chick is going to let you do what Pete does. He said she's a very special girl. Howard said he remembers Ralph talking about her when she first came out. He said he was up at his place talking about how she has a stripper ass. Ralph said he was at America's Got Talent. He said that she was there and he wasn't sure what she was going to do there. Howard said Ralph was smitten. He let him go and did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about how politics are splitting families much like it did back in the Civil War. Robin said there's a family that has appeared in their brother's opponent's political ad. Robin had some audio from that commercial. Howard said they must have a real problem with their brother. Robin said the good news is he has 9 siblings. Howard said imagine your siblings feel compelled to do a commercial against you. He said talk about dysfunction. Robin said his mother didn't know this was going on. She said she was so upset for the family when they played it for her. That led to Howard doing his parent's voices for a short time talking about not voting for Howard. He had his mom and dad talking about leaving his shirts out and not knowing how to mow the lawn correctly so don't vote for him. Howard said he feels kind of bad for the dude. He said that's hard core when your siblings are in a commercial against you.
Robin read a story about today being the start of the hearings for Bill Cosby to learn his fate with his sentencing. Howard said he heard he could walk out with probation. Robin said he could get up to 30 years on each count. Robin said some of his accusers did a press conference yesterday to talk about what's going on. Robin said it's all state to state about the sentencing. Robin said the other question is if he'll be put on the sexual predator list. Howard said that's some hard core shit. Robin asked if he'd be in gen-pop. Howard said that would be funny. He said he might have to beat up the biggest guy there. Robin had some audio of one of his accusers talking about how she feels he should spend time behind bars. Howard had fake Bill Cosby on the phone to talk about that story. Howard asked if he thinks there's too much sex talk on the show. Fake Bill said there is. Bill asked if he is speaking to potty mouth Stern. Howard said he is. Howard let him go after Bill told some jokes.
Robin read a story about the president weighing in on the Brett Kavanaugh controversy asking why the accuser waited 35 years to speak out. Howard said he knows so many women who don't speak out about that kind of thing. Robin said that's why it created the hashtag #WhyIDidntReport. Robin said Alyssa Milano told a story about how it took her 3 decades to come forward with a story because she was afraid of how things were going to go. Howard asked Robin if she thinks that Kavanaugh is dead in the water. Robin said she's not sure. Howard shook his magic 8 ball and it said ''No fucking way.'' Robin said they have another woman who stepped forward and Ronan Farrow is on the case. Howard said he's done. He said when that call comes in it's over. Howard did an impression of Julie Chen answering the phone from Ronan for Les. Les told her to hang up. Then he had Mrs. Harvey Weinstein calling out for him and Harvey tells her he's not home. Robin told Howard about this new person who isn't asking to be in this but they searched her out to find out her story. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that story. She had some audio of that woman also saying there is corroboration for her story even though people are claiming there isn't. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's wrong with Baba Booey with Tiger Woods. He said people love to see people fall from grace and be built back up. Howard said of course. Howard said he also thought the iPad was a stumble for Apple. The caller asked if Robin think about what Tiger Woods' cock looks like when he's playing. Howard said of course. He said she's actually thinking about the game. Howard said so many people think she's so sexed up.
Robin read a story about another allegation about a Trump spokesperson who is accused of slipping an abortion pill to his pregnant girlfriend. Howard said you've got to be kidding. Robin said this former campaign manager is involved in a custody battle. Robin read some details about how they met at a strip club and the woman drank the smoothie and had to go to the hospital and went into a coma. Robin said that this is a murky tale. She told Howard more details of that story. Robin said that baby ended up living.
Howard took a call from Balls who said Pete was a great guest. He said he mentioned something about not minding when people look at Ariana. Howard said he was saying he was proud of that. Balls said he calls bullshit on that. Howard said he thinks he was telling the truth about that.
Robin read a story about Trump reacting to a story about secretly recording him at in the White House last year. Robin said that the deputy Attorney General is the one who suggested it. Robin said Trump is calling for him to be fired.
Robin read a story about it being UN week in the city. Howard said he knows. He said that UN has to be moved somewhere that there's no traffic. He said Ronnie is going to be weaving in and out of traffic.
Robin read a story about Trump threatening sanctions against any nation that buys oil from Iran starting in November. Robin had more details about that. Robin also read about an attack in Iran where a military parade was attacked. Robin said that this could signal a whole new round of terrorism. Howard said he wants to hear Tan Mom say Ariana Grande again. Fred played it and Tan Mom said something like Iliana Grande.
Robin read a story about former President Obama talking about President Trump. Robin said he had an oath not to talk about him for like a couple of years or something but now he's out there urging people to go to the polls to restore sanity. Robin had some audio of him speaking.
Robin read a story about Tiger Woods winning a tournament for the first time in 5 years. Fred played a bunch of clips of Gary clearing his throat while they did that story. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started the show with Tan Mom singing ''The Great American Nightmare.'' He sang along with her a little bit. He said she came to life on ''mother fucker.'' Robin said Rob could take some lessons from her on phrasing. Howard said he heard from some people who said they were stuck singing that Tan Mom ''Free to be Me'' song. He played some of the song and said every word is ''Tan Mom'' even though it's about how she is free to be Patricia Marie. He said she says Patricia like it's the first time she's ever said it.
Howard said this guy Adam is singing his heart out. He wasn't able to remember his name. Robin had to remind him. Howard said his memory is shot. He had the live version of the song playing where Tan Mom got it all wrong.
Howard said he has a lot of email about that appearance. He read through some of that. People were wishing her luck in Florida. He said people were talking about Sal wanting her too. People were talking about how Sal wants to bang a leather wallet. He read a bunch about how she was free to be out of key and things like that.
Howard said there were people who loved Shuli doing his Tan Mom voice. Robin said she's not sure how he makes that noise. Fred said he does the schitzo Tan Mom. Shuli came in and did some of that voice for Howard. He was doing the roller coaster ride with Tan Mom's ups and downs.
Shuli said Tan Mom sees the Wack Pack as being beneath her. He said she doesn't want to be in it until they all go to Kimmel and then she's wondering if they're her friends or not.
Howard asked Shuli Tan Mom about all of the Wack Packers like High Pitch Erik, Jeff the Drunk and others. Shuli had her talking about how awful everyone is.
Howard said they figured out that Tan Mom is good at singing heavy metal. He said they mixed her into a heavy metal song. He played some of that. Howard said she's about as free as they come. They had her singing her Free to be Me song but to a heavy metal song. Howard said she's like Courtney Love. He said instead of Iron Maiden she's Tan Maiden.
Howard said she wants freedom but she's got all the freedom in the world. He said that's the Tan Mom story. He asked if she has moved yet. Shuli said she's still working on it. He said it's supposed to happen at the end of the month and her husband wants to go with her. He said he thinks he just got a lottery ticket but he's going to go anyway. Robin said he just gets screamed at all day. Howard said he just wants to hang with the kids and she wants nothing to do with him.
Shuli said the people who hitch their wagons to the Wack Pack are even more fascinating than they are.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to let everyone know that if they had any doubt about Tan Mom being a Wack Pack just go to the app and watch that big dufus. Howard asked if he's calling her a dufus. Shuli did his Tan Mom voice and went off on the caller.
Howard asked Ronnie what he was saying about this Kavanaugh guy. Ronnie said the guy was in high school. He said they fuck around in high school. Howard asked if he ever put his hand over a woman's mouth, allegedly. Ronnie said no and he doesn't know what the guy did. He said that's not cool if he did that though. Robin said they're not investigating any of that. She explained what she thinks this could expose about the guy if they find out he's lying about all of this.
Howard said that Ronnie was talking about this guy who might back his animal hospital. Ronnie said the guy is in this type of business. He said he won't run it though. He said he's on the east coast but he wants to expand. Howard said a bunch of them think it's bullshit. Ronnie said it's not. He said talk to Stephanie. Howard said he doesn't have Stephanie. He said he has Ronnie. Ronnie said it's up to her. Howard said here is a thought in the back room about who this investor is. He said they're wondering if it's real or not. Ronnie said it's real. He said he's not going to get the name out of him. He said they're not going to get any clues either. Robin asked if he's willing to wait a couple of years to start it up. Ronnie said he does.
Howard said the animal hospital guy is a guy who believes in him and Stephanie. Ronnie said he believes in Stephanie. Howard asked if he has run a cost analysis. Ronnie said he hasn't and it's got nothing to do with his business.
Howard took a call from the investor who turned out to sound just like Beetlejuice. The guys in the back were playing clips of Beetlejuice talking about the money he's going to give to him for this business.
Howard asked Shuli if he thinks there's really a guy out here. Shuli said he knows how people scammed Jeff the Drunk and others so he's not sure. Howard said he'll believe it when he sees it up and running. Howard said they have to go with the 69 Animal Hospital. He said it could happen. He said who knows.
Howard took a call from a woman who was asking about who is going to handle the business part of this and the business model and all of that. Ronnie said they have the guy who wants to invest and he's the guy doing all of that. Howard said Ronnie is going to come in and just do the books. The caller said that they have their animal hospitals on the east coast. She knows about this business. Ronnie didn't believe that she runs four. She insisted she does. She said she appreciates his passion. Ronnie said it's not his passion. She asked how he's going to drive the business then. Ronnie told her not to worry about it. The caller told Ronnie about a few things they have to do. Ronnie told her not to worry about it. The caller said that they have to have some passion for it to make it successful. Ronnie kept telling her not to worry about it.
Gary asked if this is how Ronnie is going to talk to the customers. Ronnie said he's not going to talk to the customers. Howard said he did say he was going to when they first started talking about this. Ronnie said he's not going to talk to them. He said when he goes there it's all going to be set up. He said it will all be set up. He said they just don't get it. Howard said he's just going to step in and run it. Ronnie said that's right and don't worry about it. He told the whole back office not to worry about it. He said he won't be there so don't worry about it and they can all go fuck themselves back there.
Howard said when you run a McDonald's you have to go to school to learn some things. Ronnie said he'll know what he has to know.
Ronnie asked the caller where she goes to take her CEs. The caller told Ronnie about how they're all over the place in different cities. She said she's been all over for them. Howard said Ronnie heard Stephanie say something about the CE so he's asking her about it. The caller said they just want Ronnie to succeed. She said that's why she called in. Ronnie said everyone wants to see you fall on your face.
Howard asked what CE stands for. Ronnie said he has no idea. He said he's not sure what that is but they learn shit there. Howard said he has no idea but he's asking this caller about it. Ronnie told Shuli to go away when he was asking about that. Shuli said he's going to move out there with him. Ronnie said that Shuli's comedy career will go great out there. He said at least he knows about his business. Howard said Shuli could clean up some animal shit out there. Shuli said it's not like he hasn't done that before.
Howard took a call from an investor for Ronnie's animal hospital. The guys in the back office had clips of Big Foot talking about weird shit. They had him saying he'll take dog piss. They had him belching and making odd sounds. He said he likes dog piss and man piss.
Howard said it costs up to one million dollars to launch a new vet practice. Ronnie said he's not worried about it. He said this guy has done it before. Howard wished them luck with the animal hospital. They had Big Foot say that they pay for your piss.
Howard asked Ronnie about this Judge Kavanaugh guy. Ronnie said you can't have any fun even in high school anymore. Robin said you can't throw a girl on a bed and jump on her. Ronnie said he's not saying that. Ronnie said that they have him prosecuted already. He said Robin is so mad she's turning read. He said leave the fucking guy alone. He said she was doing his job before. He asked why this woman didn't come out when he was a judge. He said now he's going to be the biggest fucking judge in the world and now she comes out. Howard said he's making him see things differently. Ronnie said it was like 30-40 years ago that he allegedly did this. Howard said Ronnie thinks you can't have any fun anymore. Robin said that he would probably say that about her father.
Howard said good luck to Ronnie with the animal hospital. He took a call from a guy who said it sounds like they're jealous of Ronnie. Howard said they might be. He said this life he describes is nice. He said that maybe he'll go into work around 10 or 11 and stop by. He said the business will be up and running and he'll go to his office and maybe open some mail and talk to some of the people working there. Robin said he knows he can't not talk to someone. Howard said he'll have some lunch and then go back and maybe spank some nurses. Ronnie said maybe he'll take one back to the pool.
Howard said in a sense it is a very idyllic world. He said here may be some jealousy there. The caller said that Jason and Shuli really don't sound like they have their shit together. Shuli said he has a script he's working on and he has Tim Stack in on that. Ronnie said he'd like to see that script. Howard said he can't read it on the air if he wants to get it produced.
Ronnie said that he should bring in a page or something. Shuli said Ronnie never gets more than one line in a script so he wouldn't know about a long script. Howard said Ronnie's boss Adam Sandler is coming in tomorrow. He asked if Shuli will talk to him about his script. Shuli said absolutely. He said he won't have his investor handle it. He said that he'll talk directly to the guy.
Howard asked Ronnie if he thinks Shuli's script will ever see the light of day. Ronnie said no way. Howard asked what it's about. Shuli said that it's about his life out in Vegas pushing wheelchairs and being a comic. He said it's about living with his Israeli parents and things like that. Howard said he's writing about what he knows. Shuli said that's right.
Howard said that Ronnie has a good handle on show business so does that sound good to him. Ronnie said it sounds like fun to him but he wouldn't watch it. He said it doesn't have any action. He said he's not hearing anything funny. Ronnie said it wasn't a funny pitch. Howard asked if he wants to pitch anything else about it. Ronnie said he'd like to hear him pitch it to Adam Sandler. Shuli said that someone contacted him about doing a Tan Mom / Tanner Mom animated series. He said he's never invested in anything like it before.
Howard said the caller is right. He said here may be some jealousy there about Ronnie. He said he has Judge Kavanaugh on the phone to thank Ronnie for backing him up. He took the call from High Pitch Erik who was playing the part. Howard asked if he has raped anyone. High Pitch Kavanaugh said he has. He said it was in high school. Howard asked if he would rule in Ronnie's favor if he was in his court. High Pitch Kavanaugh said he would. He said he'll even invest in his animal hospital.
Howard said that they asked Kavanaugh on FOX News about this thing and he said that he didn't have sex in high school and it was many years later that he finally did.
Howard asked High Pitch Kavanaugh if he wants to blow Donnie Wahlberg. High Pitch Kavanaugh said he does. Howard said he says sex isn't his thing but he wants to blow Donnie. Howard asked if he masturbates to him. High Pitch Kavanaugh said he does. Shuli asked where he finishes. High Pitch Kavanaugh said he finishes on his face.
Shuli said they had to intercept Erik from getting another dog. Howard said if he ever gets another dog he will never be on the show again. Shuli told him to tell them what the dog was. High Pitch Erik said it was an emotional support dog. Howard said he will never have him on the show again if he gets another dog. Erik said he won't get one. Howard said Erik can't take care of himself. Erik said he travels too much to have one.
Shuli said he had a cat back when they did the Craptacular. He said that cat chewed its way out of the apartment he was in. Howard said Erik drowned a frog. Erik said it jumped out of the cage. Howard said no more animals for Erik. He said he won't have him on the show anymore if he gets another pet. Erik asked about a Beta fish. Howard said nothing. He said a frog killed itself in his apartment. He said no pets. He said this frog wanted out so bad that he killed itself.
Howard said he has High Pitch Kavanaugh's accuser on the phone. He said her name is Dr. Ford. It was someone doing a bad High Pitch Erik impression playing the part. The real High Pitch Erik said he did rape this woman. Howard had the two High Pitch guys doing their bit for a couple of minutes.
Shuli said that Erik found the dog on Craigslist for $250. Howard said he'd love for that dog to come in and bite Erik.
Howard said there's a story in the paper today about a politician in Brooklyn who is putting out a bill saying that pet shops can only sell dogs that come from shelters. He said that they can't get them from breeding farms. Howard read more about the bill which will crackdown on puppy and kitty mills. Howard said he likes that. He asked if Ronnie is for that. Ronnie said it sounds good. He said he likes it too. Erik said he likes that idea too. Robin said she doesn't like it for Erik.
Erik said he worked at a pet store and it's sad to see them in the cages. He said it's sad they do that at night. Robin said what's worse is being kept at Erik's house. Erik said he's not going to get another pet. Howard hung up on Erik and said that he's good in small doses. Robin said that was a large dose.
Howard said he got a lot of email about Shuli in the email. He said he's also talking about developing Tan and Tanner Mom. He said Ronnie says that you can't have fun even in high school anymore. Howard said a lot of women are breathing a sigh of relief. Ronnie said yeah, these women are all innocent. Howard asked what he means. Ronnie said women like to have fun too. Robin said that's consent. Robin said Ronnie is amazing. Ronnie said some women try to get back at men by claiming that some of this stuff is true when it's not. Robin said there he goes. She said sometimes Ronnie is an asshole. She said that there are women out there who get attacked and they are afraid to come forward. Ronnie said come forward right away, don't wait 35 years.
Shuli said that Ronnie waited for years before telling anyone about getting pegged. Ronnie said he talked about it with them right away. Shuli said he waited years to tell them.
Howard said Ronnie is all about fun. He doesn't want to see fun stop. Howard asked if Robin has changed. Ronnie said he thinks she has. He said that she used to be fun. Howard said he doesn't hang out with him anymore. Ronnie said they don't hang out. That led to Howard and Fred doing their Ronnie voices talking about Robin being fun in the past.
Howard said he and Ronnie keep it light in the car when they talk. He said he talks to him about Ariana Grande and things like that. He said they were talking about how hot she was. He said that was a good conversation. Ronnie said she's cute. He said she's a very nice girl. Robin said she could talk about that with Ronnie. Ronnie said she would find something he said to be wrong. Howard said when he does that he just smiles. He said he wants to hear what's on his mind. Robin said she feels an obligation to tell people when he's wrong.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were calling in as a guy from Rape America. They wanted a donation from Ronnie.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said he doesn't want to jump on Ronnie but there's something he doesn't get. He asked why Ronnie complicates the issue about driving. He said all Howard wants it to get someplace safe and sound. He said he doesn't have to drive fast. He said Howard doesn't care how fast they get somewhere. Howard said he has some audio of Ronnie getting mad at a driver down in Daytona in a 15mph speed zone. Howard played the clip that Shuli had recorded. Ronnie was telling the woman to move and get out of the way and not go where they were going. Ronnie was going on and on about how slow she was driving.
Ralph said that's the exact same thing that's going through his mind all the time. Howard said he can relax. He said he drove very good this morning. Robin asked where he's going down in Daytona. Shuli said they were just going to the hotel to check in. He said there was no rush. He said Ronnie driving, forget about it.
Ralph said Howard would be the A1 client if you had a limo service. Howard said he never calls Ronnie out on anything. He said he gets swerved around in the back of the car. He said his wife is being thrown around. Fred played some pinball machine sounds while he was talking about that. Howard said Ronnie has him going back and forth like a pinball. Howard said it's like a them park ride back there. Ralph said that's what Ronnie should open.
Howard said Ralph gets in the car and tells Ronnie he's going the wrong way. He said that he makes him crazy in the car. He said he'll whisper about how they're going the wrong way. Ralph said he does tell him when he thinks he's going the wrong way.
Howard said he has the two in the car and they make him crazy. Robin said Ralph gave up driving. Ralph said he doesn't need a car. He said he lives in Jersey City and he's near the PATH. He said Uber is the worst. He said they have no sense of direction and they just take the Google route. Ronnie said Ralph should make his own app.
Howard said they make him crazy in the car. He said Ralph tells him Ronnie is going the wrong way. Robin said traffic patterns change. Ronnie said don't get in a hired car if you're not happy. He said drive yourself. Howard said he doesn't have a car. Ronnie said he's attacking him and he's saying he doesn't know where he's going. He said he was driving around before Ralph was even born. Fred said he was driving around when there were still Indians there.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was a victim of sexual assault as a young woman and later in life as a woman she was raped. She said she didn't report it right away. She asked if Ronnie would do that if he was raped by a man. Ronnie said of course he would. Robin said he wouldn't do that. Ronnie said he's not going to let someone rape him. Robin said yeah, ''let'' someone rape you. Robin said the definition of rape doesn't include the word ''let.'' Howard asked if he understands her point. Ronnie asked why she didn't report it. Howard said she was a kid and she was confused and she didn't think people would believe her. The caller said she was on drugs too.
Howard said a lot of guys think if you were high it's okay to do it. He said that Ronnie's head is spinning from this. He said he's sorry for what happened to her but she's wasting her breath on Ronnie. He said he rolled his eyes at one point. The caller said that if someone knocks you out and you wake up in the middle of it you're going to be embarrassed about it. She said that you might not report it right away. She said it's embarrassing.
Howard goofed on Ronnie some more and Ronnie asked if they're done. Howard said they have learned that Shuli is writing scripts. Ronnie said he doesn't care. That led to Shuli and Ronnie arguing about if they should be in there or not. Ronnie said Howard will tell him to leave if he wants him to leave. Howard said he could do 4 hours with Ronnie. He said he knows he'll hear it was too much but he could keep him in there for the whole 4 hours. Robin said she notices that everyone stays in there too long but Ronnie when Ronnie is in there. Ronnie asked what the fuck is wrong with her.
Howard played a song parody with Ronnie singing ''I can't drive 69!'' They had him singing a Sesame Street song ''C is for...'' with Ronnie saying cunt and cock. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he loves getting Ronnie all fired up. He said he's all angry. Robin said the rest of the day he'll growl at her out in the hall.
Howard said Gary said Ronnie was out there with the Dunkin Donuts Munchkins. He said Gary walked out and saw the little holes so he didn't want to be confrontational so he asked how they got there. He said Ronnie started yelling at him. Ronnie said he was yelling at Jason. He said they were there when they walked in. Gary said Ronnie said it wasn't his fault that they were there. Ronnie said it was quarter after 8 when they asked who put them there. He said it was Steve Griffin (Griffiths) who put them there. Gary said he was yelling at one of their other writers. Ronnie said they're not being poisoned there. He said he ate one at 10 to 6 and he's not dead.
Howard said Ronnie should know when food is coming in. Ronnie said they know where it came from or they throw it in the can. Howard said when Jason asked about it then why did he get mad about it. Gary said he was just asking if he knew where they came from.
Jason came in and said that he would like to thank whoever did bring them in. He said that he knows the first person you contact is Ronnie when food is sent over. Jason said he was just asking about it and he wasn't doing a bit. He said that Ronnie went off on him. Ronnie said the way he asks is always a bit. Jason said there seems to be a hole in security. Ronnie said that security person who is there before him knew about it. Howard said they should work out a system.
Ronnie said there has been all kinds of food out there that came in. He said there is no tension out there. He said they're making that tension. Howard said they said he was yelling at others about the donut holes. Ronnie said they were all asking him. He said that he was breaking their balls like they break his.
Howard said Ronnie has to know who brings food in there. Ronnie said he's out of there now that Chris is there. Chris Wilding had come in. Chris said Ronnie was asking him if he brought them in. He said he ate 3 of them but he didn't bring them in. Ronnie said it's all good.
Howard said it's Ronnie's job to know where they came from. Howard said he heard he yelled at The Lump too. Ronnie said he just asked him if he brought them in. Howard said he should be asking the other security guy. Ronnie said he was filing in for him because he had gone to the bathroom. Chris said it was bedlam out there.
Howard said they have a log of the show and Jeff has called 12 times this year about Tiger Woods. Gary said he is a big golf fan and he plays Tiger Woods Golf on video games.
Howard said they have a phony phone call to play. He said he has one where they took Alex Jones and had him call Tradio trying to get his products heard on there. Howard played the phony phone call where they had fake Alex Jones calling in and selling his products in commercial form. They kept hanging up on fake Alex until they ran out of callers.
Howard said they have the Sanford and Son theme song. He said he didn't know that. Howard had fake Alex on the phone to talk about that call. He started to play a game with Howard where he was giving away some money courtesy of one of his sponsors which was SandyHooksAHoax.com. He had Howard playing a conspiracy theory game.
Howard let Alex go and moved on. He played a ''Man to Man'' bit that one of the guys did down on the street. They played a JD song parody and then Howard did a live commercial read. They went to break after that.
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Howard said this guy Kavanaugh was so zeroed in on what he was going to say that he just said ''I just want a fair process'' over and over again. He said he's not sure what that means. He said that's where they present evidence but they have forbidden that. He had some clips from the FOX News appearance where Kavanaugh was repeating his ''I just want a fair process'' line.
Howard did a robot voice talking about that while Fred played robot sounds. Howard said he likes the prep. He said when you're in trouble you just keep repeating the same thing over and over again.
Howard said he likes that the reporter asked a question and Kavanaugh says he didn't get laid until he was like 47 years old. He said he had nothing but academics on his mind. He said that's disingenuous too. Robin said no one accused him of sticking his penis in them. Howard had more clips of Kavanaugh talking about how he never had sexual intercourse in high school or for years after that. He said he was a virgin all those years.
Howard had him speaking like a robot and saying his head was going to explode. Kavanaugh said it was many years later that he lost his virginity. Robin said he should be pulling TV clips for them. Howard kept going with the robot voice while Fred played robot sounds.
Howard said they hauled out the wife to say what a great guy he was too. Robin said alright Mrs. Moonves. Howard played some of those clips. He had the wife saying she's been with him for 17 years and he's been great. She said this is not at all her husband. Howard said this is why he doesn't want to die. He said he loves hearing people trying to defend people like that. He said it sounded like she got Tourette's at the end. Howard said she can't even say ''characteristic.'' He said all she had to do was say that he's normal and she never saw him doing anything weird.
Howard said his freshman year college roommate has released a statement saying that he thinks that he is capable of what he's been accused of. Robin said who is more uptight than a virgin like that. Howard said he thinks that he has zero percent of getting on the Supreme Court. Robin said even Avenatti has someone coming forward. Gary said Benjy wants to come in and comment about them being unfair to this guy. Howard said he just loves the theater of it. He said he's not being unfair. Howard said he didn't want Benjy in there. He told him to leave but then he let him come back. Gary said he thought he would want him in.
Howard said he is talking about the process. Benjy said he can't stop watching this. Benjy said he was accused of being involved in gang rapes. Howard said they don't know he was a virgin. He said that's irrelevant. Benjy said that they were making fun of the virgin thing. Robin said they were just saying it has nothing to do with sexual assault.
Howard was trying to explain himself and then kicked Benjy out when he was yelling at him arguing. Howard said please leave. Benjy said that Howard said he cried in Les Moonves' office when he was confronted. Howard said Benjy has to leave him alone. Gary came in to drag him out. They played a song parody about Benjy and it sounded like they were going to get him out of there.
Howard said he's just doing his thing. He said he's not into a debate. Benjy said he gets it but they're scaring him. Robin said she hopes that congress isn't listening to them to make a decision. Howard said he's just pointing out that the robotic answer is funny. He said he and Robin are just grooving. He said go pick out some donut holes. Benjy said he has not had any today. Howard said he's coming up on his 10th anniversary of his wedding and he remembers Benjy ordered a vegan meal. Benjy said he was asked what he wanted and that's what he ordered.
Howard said it was good hearing from Benjy. He kept talking to him though. He explained to Benjy about what they should be doing with Kavanaugh to make sure he's fit for this Supreme Court thing. Benjy was arguing with Howard about things that Howard didn't even want to talk about. Howard said he's just trying to do a show.
Howard said what he's saying to the audience is that this is funny but someone is sitting at home thinking that he's either too liberal or too conservative. He said he doesn't need Benjy slowing him down. He said he has 15 things to say to the audience that Benjy is keeping him from saying. Howard said he didn't say yes to Gary about him coming in. Benjy said he's not sure if he really wants him to leave. Howard said he would like him to leave. Benjy said he's leaving.
Howard said he loves Benjy but he doesn't want to turn everything he says into a debate. He said that the show is designed to provoke you but he doesn't want to argue. Robin said it wasn't about her support or not supporting him. She said that they were just talking about what's in the air.
Howard said he sees the commercials for The Connors and it's ridiculous. He said he loves the people on the show but Roseanne was the glue that held that show together. He said ABC removed her because of some comments she made that were perceived as racist. Robin said she's in Israel now. Howard said he can't watch that show when it's Roseanne without Roseanne. He said he didn't watch Roseanne but he did see the first episode. He said he's not going to take up his whole life with that.
Howard said Dancing with the Stars has no stars on it. He said the second to last celebrity was Grocer Joe who runs a grocery store. He was on The Bachelor. He said that's their big star. He said that's how fucked up that show is. He said that Mary Lou Retton is on the show. He said she's 50 now and she's fun to look at. He said there was a girl on the show who is a social media influencer. He said she's an attractive girl who runs around in a belly shirt. He said she has 12 million followers because she's hot. He said she's the girl you want to look at in high school. He said she was more professional than the rest of the dancers. He said she probably goes to dance class all the time.
Howard said the show made him crazy. He said he was laying in bed sighing and it woke Beth up. He said that he was laying there thinking and making noise and it woke her up. He said he was thinking about this Grocer Joe and how he's not a professional dancer. He said Mary Lou Retton is a professional. He said there's a blind woman on there dancing too. He said she was very good. He said for the most part you don't know anyone on the show. He said they're doomed with the people they have on the show.
Howard said Ronnie should start a business where they hire women to walk around with you and then you get hot chicks from that. Howard said Pete is a handsome guy though. Robin said he's a handsome guy for a comedian.
Howard read more email about Pete and how great his interview was. Robin said now that he's with Ariana he's on Jimmy Fallon. Howard read more email about Pete and someone asked if he sniffed his fingers. Howard jokingly said he gave him a little whiff as he left.
Howard said that Ariana Grande is so hot. He said she literally caused an orgy at Aretha Franklin's funeral. He said that guy grabbed her tit and Clinton was staring at her. Robin said she's not saying Pete isn't hot but your level goes up when you date someone like that.
Howard said he upset a lot of people who love tag sales. He said there are people who love them like they're treasure hunts. Howard read a few of those emails where people got upset with him about bashing tag sales.
Howard said he must have gotten 55,000 emails about Richard's new phony phone call as Ethel. He read through a few of those emails where people were talking about how great that call was.
Howard said he saw Robin laughing through that call. Robin said that's right. Howard went through more of those emails.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he hasn't been listening for long but he thinks he gets it. He said Benjy just doesn't seem to get how the show works. He said he wants to hear Howard and Robin riff on Kavanaugh and not have Benjy in there arguing. Howard said he doesn't want to get into a political debate with Benjy. He said that there was humor in that situation and that's what he was talking about. He said then Benjy walks in and starts debating with him. He said he doesn't want to get into that with him. The caller asked why Gary lets him in there. Howard said he asked Gary who he chooses to let in there. He said he thinks it's a no brainer. The caller said if it's not Benjy then let them in. He said that's how you decide. The caller said that Benjy ruins the show for him. Howard said he has a tremendous hunger to get on the air. Robin said Benjy is funny but never when he's on the air.
Howard said he has to get moral lessons from Benjy about Brett Kavanaugh. Howard said he's trying to be funny. He thanked the caller for getting it.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked him to stop letting Benjy derail conversations. Howard said he didn't let him in there. He said Gary is the keeper of the gate. He said call him on the Wrap Up Show instead. The caller said she enjoys the back and forth that Howard and Robin have. She said she knows Benjy was trying to be provocative and it just derails the show. Gary said Benjy is saying he did the same thing that he did. Howard said Benjy is a writer on the show though. He said he can hang up on her. The caller said Benjy is a brilliant writer from what Howard has said. Howard said when he gets in there there's a big problem. Howard said if Benjy is the bomb then Gary deployed the bomb. Howard said maybe she's asking if Gary should be the keeper of the gate. He said Memet thinks that he should be the keeper of the gate. Howard said maybe he should let him do that. Gary said he'll step back for 2 weeks and let him do that.
Howard asked Memet if he would have let Benjy in there this morning. Memet came in and said he thinks he would be very good at it. He said it's a younger energy. Howard said he's using the age rap. He said that's age discrimination. Memet said it's really not. Memet said he and his family saw Colbert this week and they have a younger guy he's consulting with.
The caller asked if Memet could handle the pressure of this position. Gary said she's asking if he will go down the hall and cry while huddled up in a ball. Memet said he can handle it. He said he's not saying Gary is bad. He said he's just good. Memet said he's working more for less. He said they'll have to see how things go and maybe they can get rid of Gary. Memet said that he has good leadership skills there. He said he thinks he's showed that. Memet said he thinks it's hard to have the same fire in you when you've been in it for 30 years. Gary asked if Howard still has his heart in the game. Howard said he doesn't. Memet said that's on air talent anyway so it doesn't count.
Memet said he listens to the show carefully. He said he has a better education than Gary. He said he's willing to work Thursdays and Fridays. He said that he has the same IQ as Gary. Gary asked if he will try to fuck every woman that comes on the show. Memet said not at all. Howard asked if he would have let Benjy in this morning. Memet said he would not. He said that he didn't have a point to make quickly so he could get out of there. Gary said that he never does.
Howard asked the caller if she has any more questions. She said she was done but thanked him for letting her voice her opinion. Howard said he likes Memet because he never has to clear his throat. Memet said that if he does well or doesn't do well taking Gary's place then what do they lose. Gary said they could lose their juice. Howard asked if Gary has to give up the Wrap Up Show. Memet said he would like him to be an advisor. He said he thinks that he and Jon would have a great rapport on the air. He said he has a guy there who will show up before anyone else so lets try it. Gary said he doesn't think he made a very good argument. Howard said he didn't think Gary would think he did.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that you can hear Benjy drain the energy out of the room sometimes. He said that when you're in the room with him he sucks the life out of the room. He said that he ruins things. Howard said he's taking a beating today. Ralph said he's a nice guy but he sucks the energy out of the room.
Howard asked Benjy how he responds. Benjy came back in and said that people were saying he was the best part of that King of All Blacks segment. Ralph laughed. Benjy said sometimes he doesn't find Ralph that interesting. Ralph said Benjy has a way of sucking the life out of the room. Benjy said there's no doubt that he's more entertaining than Ralph. He said Ralph isn't entertaining at all. He said he has the least fucking energy. He was starting to scream at Ralph. Ralph said Benjy is a bit extinguisher.
Howard asked if Ralph is saying that Benjy is like the Titanic of comedy. Ralph said it's at the end where it gets sucked in and killed. Howard said he's on the air saying he's like a comedy cancer. Ralph said yes. Howard asked if he is like the iceberg or the boat. Ralph just laughed as Fred played the theme from the Titanic movie. Howard said he's like the AIDS of comedy or maybe the Crohn's Disease of comedy.
Howard asked where Benjy weighs in on this Memet and Gary thing. Benjy joked that he and Memet had this all planned out. He said Gary shouldn't have let him in there. Howard said he loves Benjy so everyone take it easy.
Howard went through some of the ideas that the guys have had over the years. He said most of the stuff they can't even do in the studio. He said they can't do this sex stuff on the air. Howard said they pitched an idea of doing the longest shit streak on the floor by dragging their asses on the floor. Howard said they wanted to hang upside down naked so they could pee into a cup. He said they can't pee in the studio. He said that Will was going to eat his wife's placenta but Legal said no to that.
Howard said now they have the heaviest diaper contest to see who can fill it up the most by the end of the show. Howard said they win the right to change the other person's diaper in the studio. He said you'll see that next week. He said that they will weigh in the pee. He said it's only going to be pee but Richard wanted to allow shit in the diaper. He said he put his foot down and said no to that.
Howard said Gary was the one who said that they should not let Richard shit in his diaper. Jason said Richard just said he's not sure who to ask about coming in. Howard said Gary is still in charge.
Howard had Richard come in to talk about the new bit. Howard said he heard that Richard is into it but Sal isn't. Sal came in too. He said that something is wrong with Richard. He said he was up on the changing table like a baby. He said that he wants to win so he doesn't have to change Richard. He said the winner gets changed by the loser. Howard said that neither one is smarter than the other. He said he thinks it's better to be changed. Sal said he's going to win this thing. Richard said no way. He said he pisses during every break. He said he drinks 128 ounces of water every day.
Richard asked if he can pee in Sal's face while he's changing him. Howard said no way. Gary asked Howard to explain to him not to shit in his diaper. Richard said he won't do that. Gary said they did a run through yesterday and they figure out where they will have all of their soiled diapers and stuff like that. Richard said they aren't allowed to touch anything. They have a guy set up to handle it all. Sal said that Gary has to be his assistant to take the wet wipes from him. Gary said he's not doing shit for Sal.
Howard asked if Robin is looking forward to this. Robin said she does want to see who has the heavier diaper. She said she knows Richard is going to win. Richard said Sal could come through and surprise everyone.
Fred said he thinks that Richard will win because he's willing to over drink. Sal said he's not willing to do that. Richard said he knows the rules.
Howard said he wants natural pee and a good contest. He said he wants it to be fair and fun. Sal asked who he thinks will win. Howard said Richard runs a lot. He said he's an alcoholic to. He said Richard is used to peeing in a diaper. Sal said he's going to be like a fountain. He said he wants to win so he doesn't have to change this guy. Howard said every sexual fantasy for Sal is about peeing on a woman. He said Sal might surprise them and win. Howard said they have to take bets on who will pee first and things like that.
Howard said Jim Meyer who runs the company wants to talk about this bit. He had one of the guys in the back breaking shit over the bit.
Richard said when he almost shit his pants last week Steve Nowicki said it sounded like rain hitting a roof. Howard told them to leave after that. Howard said they'll be in next week to do that bit. He said wear something nice on Tuesday for that. Howard said he has to play the Mrs. Brent investigation after the break. He said he's never really talked about her before. He said she's a very interesting woman.
Howard had some audio of Brent's wife, Kaitlyn, talking about getting wild with Brent and putting her finger in his butt and putting her tongue in his asshole when they fucked for the first time. Howard said these two are kindred spirits. He said they both love weed and it's a big part of their life. Howard played another clip where Kaitlyn was talking about dating Brent and how he passed out on his way to the hotel room once and he has a metal plate in his chin because of that. He passed out from eating an marijuana edible. Howard said Brent passed out at a bar a few months ago too.
Howard said this woman Kaitlyn is hot. He said that she's very sexed up. Howard said she's a free spirit. Robin is a prude compared to her. Howard said Robin used to talk about how uptight he is because he hasn't fucked on every piece of furniture in his house. He said that Robin has had a lot of wild sex stories over the years. He said that Mrs. Brent is something else though.
Howard said you have to hear this. He played a clip of Kaitlyn talking about how Brent wipes standing up and when you do that shit paper falls on the floor. Kaitlyn had to stop him from doing that. She said she used to have to clean that up. She said that was annoying.
Howard said he has to say hearing that he'd never do that. He said she stayed with him even after that. Robin said if someone did that once she'd never leave the bathroom without checking everything. Howard said he's like a farm animal. He said he's leaving shit balls all over the place. He said then she's eating his ass.
Howard said this girl is very sexual. He said a year into their marriage they tried swinging. He had audio of Kaitlyn talking about her fantasy swinging scenario. Kaitlyn talked about how she'd like to have another woman in the room with her and Brent. She said she thinks Brent would be okay with her having another guy banging her. She said that he might watch and wait to fuck her afterward. She said that jealousy can be such a turn on.
Howard said Brent was okay with all of this getting on the air. He said Brent said he caught Kaitlyn masturbating to threesome porn.
Howard said that maybe he and Robin are too uptight. He said he just know he doesn't want to be fucked in the ass with a dildo.
Howard said Chris asked if Kaitlyn wants to swing with anyone on the staff. He played a clip of her talking about how maybe Ronnie and Stephanie would want to do that but she's not sexually attracted to him. She said she might be okay with them if they were down for it. She said she might hook up with her first and then fuck Ronnie.
Memet interrupted and said he thinks he should have Chris Wilding come in to talk about this. Howard said he was joking about letting him take that job. He said never interrupt him again.
Howard said he wants to know if Ronnie would do that with Kaitlyn. He said that she said she would do stuff to Ronnie. Howard said how about Memet interrupting him in the middle of a bit.
Howard had Ronnie come in to talk about that. He asked what he thinks about that. Ronnie said he's not into Brent at all but Kaitlyn is hot. He said that he wouldn't want Brent with Stephanie. He said he could watch but he'd never let him fuck Stephanie. He said Brent can watch all of them fuck.
Gary said he doesn't think that anyone wants to fuck Ronnie or Brent. Howard said that's not what Kaitlyn said. He said she said she would fuck Ronnie after Stephanie.
Howard asked Brent what he thinks about all of this. Brent said he'd be up for watching the fucking. He said he knows that Ronnie isn't into all of that. Brent said he's into the whole group sex thing. Howard said he would let Ronnie fuck his wife if he let him fuck Stephanie. Brent said of course. Howard asked if Ronnie's head is spinning from this. Ronnie said sort of. He said Brent isn't fucking Stephanie though.
Gary said Brent just said he's into group sex. He asked if he'd do all four of them in bed. Brent said yes. Gary asked if he would stop Ronnie from sticking a finger in his ass. Brent said of course he would. He said he's not upset about being in a room with another guy. Howard said they're all in a different league than he is.
Gary asked if they could come to work the next week after doing something like that. Brent said sure. Howard asked if Ronnie would be okay with Brent sitting in a corner watching. Ronnie said he'd be okay with that. He said he's not letting Brent fuck Stephanie though.
Howard said that this girl is fascinating. He said she said that she wants to see Brent blow a guy at some point. Brent said that will never happen. He said he doesn't mind having a guy there but he's not going to do that.
Howard said Brent tells Kaitlyn that she's built for sex because her vagina is built a certain way. Kaitlyn said that her pussy bone goes down and it presses on his penis in a way that turns him on. She said it made sense to her. Howard asked Robin if she knows anything about the pussy bone. Robin said she knows what she's talking about. Howard said Ronnie was like ''whoa!'' when he heard that. Ronnie said he always liked her. He said that she's cool. Howard asked if she has big titties. Ronnie said ''yeah.'' Howard said this shit is probably going to go down. Robin said he has to report back if it does. Brent said he'd tell them.
Howard said Kaitlyn doesn't care where Brent finishes and she's fine with him cumming in her eye. He played a clip of her talking about that. She said she has told him he can cum on her face or whenever. She said he loves fucking her pussy so much that he doesn't want to cum anywhere else.
Howard said Ronnie has to make this happen. Brent said that Ronnie isn't into the fair trade thing so it probably won't happen.
Gary said that Brent is into the beaver blast thing and he only likes to finish in there. Howard said Stephanie is on the phone saying she thinks the 4 way is a good idea. He picked up and had someone making puking sounds.
Howard played another clip where Kaitlyn was talking about having double penetration with a dildo in one place and Brent in the other. She said that their sex is crazy. She said that she was sore going to work one day like she had worked out. Howard said she has a sexy voice too.
Howard said he heard the apartment stinks from the pot they smoke. Brent said he left and went for a walk while Chris did his thing. He said he took a couple of hits off his bong before going.
Howard said Ronnie has to do this. He said that he should make this happen. Ronnie said it's fine with him. Howard said Ronnie is so busy that he can't do it this weekend. Ronnie said he's busy. Howard said he's busy curing cancer or something. He asked what he means he's too busy. Ronnie said he just has stuff going on Friday and Saturday. He said Stephanie works during the week.
Howard said he should do it in the afternoon. Ronnie said he's not into it in the afternoon. Brent said they have stuff scheduled too. Howard said Ronnie is acting all weird. He said he thinks they've gotten too sexual for Ronnie. He said he thinks they finally found an uptight Ronnie.
Howard said they have so much anal that they don't use lube anymore. Howard played a clip of Kaitlyn talking about how she can take Brent and put it in her pussy and right into her ass. She said it's already wet. Howard said he doesn't think Ronnie could handle this chick.
Howard said Brent must have to give this chick a lot of sex. Brent said he does. He said he came home from working out and showered and she was on the bed playing with herself ready to have sex. He said that's the kind of thing that happens.
Howard said he has a clip of Kaitlyn giving advice for anal. She said that you should just pop it in. She said she will lube up the dick really well and quickly sit on it. She said once it's in it feels good. She said her ass has bled from having sex but it goes back. She said there's no permanent rippage. She said it grows back. Howard said they've met the female Ronnie.
Howard said this is wild. He said she just jumps on the cock and puts it in her ass. Howard asked Ronnie if she's a 10. Ronnie said he's said she's great before. He said he's going to talk to Stephanie about it. Howard said he's weirded out by Ronnie. Robin said she's not sure where Ronnie is. Howard said this is tame Ronnie.
Howard said Kaitlyn heard Ronnie reveal he was pegged on the air she went to Brent and asked if he was into it. Howard played a clip of Kaitlyn talking about loosening Brent up and pushing it in and out of his asshole while he was fucking her. She said she liked that Ronnie said that's what he does and he likes it. Howard said she's talking Ronnie's language. Ronnie said she's out there.
Howard said this woman that Brent found is speaking Ronnie's language. Brent said you don't find a woman like this often. He said it doesn't get better than this.
Brent said she's really into it when Ronnie comes on and talks about sex. He said she says he makes it a good thing and not a bad thing.
Howard said Brent once revealed that he and Kaitlyn have a sex contract. He said that she can never turn him down for sex. He said it was Kaitlyn's idea. Howard played a clip of Kaitlyn talking about that contract and how she wrote it and had Brent sign it. She said it was very much for him as it was for her. Kaitlyn said she met Brent and she knew he liked sex so it was a win-win. She said the two of them have to just have sex when the other one wants to have it.
Ronnie said he's had that kind of sex when he's half asleep. Howard said maybe it's his age that makes him half asleep all the time.
Howard played a clip of Kaitlyn talking about how she's fine with Brent getting off after he gets her off. She said that's happened at 3 in the morning.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks about this. Robin said they're having fun. Howard asked if she likes to be fingered to sleep. Robin said that's happened before. Ronnie said he's sure there's stuff going on in that glass room with her.
Howard said he has 2 more clips. He played a clip of Kaitlyn talking about masturbation before she had a vibrator. Kaitlyn talked about how she had a bottle of hair conditioner that she used and the sprayer was spraying inside her. She said she had that in her pussy as she was trying to masturbate.
Ronnie said he loves that. Howard and Fred did their Ronnie impressions talking about that. Robin said this is something else. Howard said she talks like sex is nothing. Howard said he has to talk to her at the Christmas party. Howard asked when Ronnie is going to ask Stephanie about this. Ronnie said when he sees her. Howard said he thinks this scares him a little bit. Ronnie said it's not scary. He said Stephanie and Kaitlyn get along very well.
Howard wondered how fast Brent and Ronnie would cum. Brent said it would take a while for him. He said he's kind of desensitized. Howard said if he saw Stephanie and his wife rolling around on the bed he would think he'd cum pretty quick. Ronnie said he's not sure how long it would take him.
Howard asked if the girls would pull out the vibrators. Ronnie said maybe they wouldn't need that. He said they may never even get to it.
Howard said the final clip is about how Brent and Kaitlyn went to Jason's house and Ralph and Chris were there and Kaitlyn thought they had sexual tension. Brent said she doesn't even know Ralph that way. She just got that feeling. Howard played the clip and Kaitlyn said that Ralph was flirting with Chris one night and she wanted to finger herself watching them blowing each other. Howard said she's ready for any action. Brent said they're on this journey together so she doesn't do any of this on her own. Brent said he's not sure that he'd get off on watching Chris and Ralph together. He said not that there's anything wrong with that but he's not into watching that.
Howard said Kaitlyn is something else. He said that everyone is getting close on the show. He asked Robin if she wants any part of this. Robin said no thanks. She said she doesn't think she'd be into any of this.
Howard asked Fred what he thinks about all of this. Fred said he thinks that Ronnie has some rules. He said Brent and Kaitlyn don't seem to. Ronnie said Stephanie has rules too. He said he thinks she'd let him do some things but probably not fuck Kaitlyn. Brent said that's called a soft swap.
Chris came in and said that Kaitlyn is texting him and she said she would do a threesome with Ronnie and Stephanie without Brent. Brent said he's not into that. He said he's out. Howard asked what he thinks about Kaitlyn being into Ronnie. Brent said he's going to have a conversation with her about that. Gary said Shuli wants to watch to report on it for the news.
Howard said they have learned a lot about Brent and his wife. He said he is shocked by all of this. Ronnie said he knew about this stuff. He said he knew Brent likes to swap.
Howard said that Pandora just said they're thrilled to be merging with Sirius after hearing this. Robin asked if anyone else there who would like to be part of this. Chris said they went to a party after this and this guy Derek in the back has a girlfriend who is very attractive. He said that Kaitlyn went to her and said she wanted to eat her and fuck her. He said the first 10 times she was complimented and then it got to be too much.
Howard asked if they can give away Brent and his wife as a prize. Brent said they can do a dial-a-date or something. Ronnie said Derek's girlfriend is smoking hot. He said she's a 9 for sure. Gary said the first time Ronnie met her he picked her up and kissed her. Ronnie said he didn't pick her up over his head. He said he just gave her a hug. He said they met in a bar. He said they were all having a great time. He said that he never kissed her. Gary said he heard it from Derek. Ronnie said it's bullshit.
Howard took a call from fake Judge Kavanaugh who was jerking off to all of this stuff. Howard spent a minute talking to him about that.
Brent said that he's never been happier. He said you can't find someone happier than he is. He said he's happy from the time he wakes up until the time he closes his eyes to go to sleep. Howard asked what the odds are of this happening. Brent said 50/50 but Ronnie said he'll let them know. He said it would be weird because they work together. Howard said Ronnie's being weird about this. Ronnie said he's not.
Howard said maybe throw Gary and Mary in there too. Chris said that Kaitlyn said she would record them having sex too. Howard said even he has his limits. He said no thanks to that.
Howard thanked Kaitlyn for telling them what's going on. Howard said how about JD and his new wife. He asked what JD makes of this. JD said good for them and he's happy for them. Howard asked if he wants to see Kaitlyn eat out his wife. JD said that would be weird for him because they work together.
Howard asked JD if he would let Brent's wife eat his asshole. JD said that he can't do that. Howard asked if Brent would allow that. Brent said it's weird because they work together. Howard said he thinks it's just that JD is weird.
Howard said Ronnie appears to be woozy from this. Ronnie said he's not. Howard said he studies this guy. Ronnie said here we go. Howard said he listened to this stuff a couple of times. He said this girl is a keeper.
Howard said Ronnie is like a wet blanket. He said he's saying he has to talk to Stephanie about it first now. Robin said he was all about fun first thing this morning. Howard said they have to get to news. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard asked what he's doing that he can't have sex. Fred said he's bird watching. Howard said Ronnie got quiet and said he doesn't do that shit. Robin said Fred is going to have to learn to do a Kaitlyn impression. Howard and Fred did their Ronnie impressions talking about all of that.
Howard said Ronnie is busy this weekend. He said he pussied out. Howard said that was a great segment just because it shut Ronnie down. He said he has things to do. He has to do accounting and corresponding.
Howard said that it's time for news. He played her into the news with a second of a song parody but said that's enough of that.
Robin started her news with a story about a girl who sang the national anthem at a game. Robin said this was a 7 year old singing at the StubHub center in Los Angeles. Fred played Robin singing the song too. Robin said this girl said she wanted to do a very good job because it's an important song. Howard said that's something. He wondered if she'll be a big star or will she burn out by 12. Robin said she thinks she's doing okay.
Robin said they were talking about Cher's Abba cover album. She said it comes out on the 28th. Robin said she has a couple of tunes from the album to play. Howard said he thinks she sounds good for an older woman.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who asked who his favorite Saturday Night Live performer was and why. Howard laughed. He didn't answer. He said this is Cher's 26th studio album. Howard asked if he has worse questions than Bobo or better. Howard said Bill Murray was great as the lounge singer. He said he loved Bill Hader with the puppets as the Vietnam vet. He said Billy Crystal was great on Saturday Night Live. He said Martin Short was great too. He said his favorite of all time... He went through name after name. He said the top guy of all time, maybe Bill Murray. Speech asked about Steve Martin. Howard said he wasn't a regular cast member. He said he loved Jim Breuer and Norm Macdonald too. He said Will Ferrell was great too. He said he's not sure how to pick. Howard said Adam Sandler will be in tomorrow. He said he wants to hear his song ''At a Medium Pace.'' He said he has to ask him about that tomorrow. Fred played the song for him and Howard let that play for a bit.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a book called Small Fry which was a book written by the first child of Steve Jobs. Robin said that he treated her terribly in her lifetime. Howard said maybe he was whacked out from the radio waves from the cell phone. Robin said he denied her paternity despite DNA tests. Robin said he didn't want to pay child support and he quickly entered a deal before Apple went public. Robin said 4 days later he was worth $200 million and he only had to pay like $385 a month. Robin said her name was Lisa and she asked if her dad named the Lisa computer after her and he said ''Nope!'' Robin said that Bono was told by Steve that he did name it after her. Robin said he was just horrible to his daughter. Robin said she moved in with Steve and his other kids and she felt like a second class person. She was forbidden from seeing her mother for 6 months when she moved in. Howard said maybe he was angry about being adopted. Robin said he apparently told her that she wasn't succeeding as a member of the family when she got into extra curricular activities. Robin said that neighbors moved her out of Steve's house and into theirs to help her out. Robin said he was tough the whole time. Howard said she inherited millions of dollars. Robin said he did apologize to her on his death bed. Robin said even when he was sick she would visit him and once leaned over to kiss him and he told her she smelled like a toilet. She said he was brutal. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she liked when Howard showed Fred after lowering the screen in the studio. She asked if there's any way they can put Howard walking into the studio as the show opens. Howard said that's not how it happens. He said he's already sitting down. He said here's how it works. He said he gets into the studio around 6:15 or so. He said he sits with the guys and they talk about what they have to do that day. He said he blows Robin a kiss for showing up again every day. Howard said he's there before Fred gets there. Fred said he shows up around 6:30. Howard said he goes through the material he wants to play and what he'll open the show with and all of that. He said he does a lot of prep. He said there is no real walk in. The caller said that makes sense.
Howard said he talks to Will, Jason and JD and talks to them. He said sometimes Jon Hein is there. He said he'll ask JD to explain something and he stares at him. He said that makes JD crazy. He said maybe he should tape that and put that on the air. He said he makes JD nuts. The caller told Fred, Robin and Howard how much she likes them. Howard let her go a short time later. He talked about Gary clearing his throat first thing in the morning and how he's tried to disguise it by not clearing it too loud.
Robin read a story about James Lipton who does Inside the Actor's Studio. Robin said the show is moving to Ovation TV from Bravo. Robin said that James is not going with it. She said that he's stepping down from hosting and producing the show. Howard said he used to run into him all the time. He said he was always wearing a fishing vest with the beard and hair. He said James would ask when he was going to do the show. He said he would tell him he's not an actor. He said he did do one film though so James wanted him to do the show. Howard said James is 92 years old. He said he looks good. Robin had some clips of James asking those 5 questions that he asked everyone. They played a bit where they took Ronnie clips and put them to an Inside the Actor's studio clip. Howard wondered how they got him out of that show. Howard said he loves that show. He said it's such an ego stroke. He said they never ask a tough question. Robin said they just grease the butt. Fred played a fart drop. Howard did his impression of James Lipton and said that's going to kill that guy to leave the show. He said they used to call his agent weekly to get him on that show.
Robin read a story about the Judge Kavanaugh hearings and what's going on with that. Robin had some audio clips to play.
Robin read a story about Michael Avenatti saying his client who has information about Brett Kavanaugh will go public in the next 48 hours. Robin had some audio of Avenatti talking about that.
Robin read a story about how the late night guys are all dealing with this stuff. Robin had some audio of Conan, Colbert, Corden and Kimmel making jokes about the Brett Kavanaugh thing. Howard said he thinks there's zero chance of him becoming a Supreme Court Justice at this point. He said there's no way he can go back to his job as a judge. Robin had more clips of various people talking about the hearings.
Robin read a story about the President addressing the UN today. Howard said traffic was so bad yesterday. He said they were looking out the window as four busses were just sitting there for 15 minutes. He said it's the worst thing for this city. Robin said last year Trump was calling Kim Jong Un ''Little Rocket Man.'' This year he's talking about how he's been terrific and he wants to see something happen. Robin had a few clips for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about how Les Moonves might still get $120 million from CBS. Robin had some details about that story.
Robin read a story about a Florida Uber driver kidnapping a customer and not letting her out of his car. Robin said he's saying that she was off her meds when she did that. Robin said she had been off her meds since January. Robin said this college student claims she had to roll down her window and jump out.
Robin said today is national comic book day. Howard said he loves that. He said he's not reading them anymore but they filled some holes he had in his life as a kid. He said he wanted a man to save him so that's why he loved super heroes.
Robin said today is also Sandra Day O'Connor day. Howard said Batman showed his cock in a new comic book. He said that DC said it was wrong so they're taking it back.
Robin said the Beatles are set to release an expanded version of their White album. Robin said it will be out on November 9th. Howard said what a great album that was. He said it was two discs. Howard asked Fred what the best song was on that album. Fred said ''While My Guitar Gently Weeps.'' Howard thought about what his favorite might be but he gave up on that quickly and moved on.
Robin said that there has been a Metallica album on the Billboard charts for 500 weeks.
Robin read a story about Paul Simon playing his final show. Howard said he doesn't believe it. Robin said he says this is it but he may do individual performances here and here. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:40am.
Howard started the show talking about how he can never remember that song ''Love Shack.'' He said he can't remember it when he's listening to that Rob Zombie song. He started singing more of the Love Shack song. He said they ran on Howard 101 with Fred Schneider from the B-52s. Fred was switching between two songs and it was throwing Howard off. He said he's fucking him up. Howard said sometimes he cuts off something in the middle of a thought and it messes him up.
Howard said listen to that guy. He said the girls in the band were great. He said they were retro hot. He said they had a little weight on them. Fred said one did and one was really skinny. Howard said that guy Fred was great. He said he was a showman.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she listens to Sternthology all the time. She said JD has gotten worse over the years. She said he used to be smooth on the air. She wondered if anyone else noticed. Howard said he didn't listen to Sternthology with JD but maybe he should go back and listen. He said he thought he was getting clearer and less funny. He said she's saying it's funnier now. The caller said she thinks Howard would be amazed.
Howard asked JD if he thinks he's more nervous and more mumbly now. JD said he thinks he thinks about things more now. Howard asked if he can just substitute a different word instead of wondering what the word is. JD said he thinks about what he wants to say and what people are hearing. He said he can't think about what he wants to say. JD said the things he wants to say he doesn't want to say publicly. Howard asked if he short circuits. JD said yes. Howard said he's more and more self conscious of his celebrity. JD laughed. Howard said he's getting worse and worse like Eileen said. JD said he may be more self conscious now.
Howard said JD is more aware of things out on social media. JD said he has had issues with things he's said ''and yeah.'' Howard said JD has thought about the things about the girl with the peanut butter and the dog and things like that and he thinks more about what he's saying. JD said for the most part yet. JD said you're hearing his thought processes and they're not exactly clear. He said he doesn't listen to himself.
Howard said Eileen is saying that his stuttering and stammering is getting worse and worse. Eileen said that there are things that pop up on Sternthology and she thinks he was speaking more clearly back then. She said he could get through a thought. She said it seems it's recently that he can't do that. JD said maybe he's regressing.
Howard said he's getting in his head. JD said yes. Howard said he heard that term on The Bachelor. He said the Bachelor will say something about the woman getting in her head. He said that's where he got that.
Howard said he has on his phone JD at the age of 70. Howard had one of the guys in the back mumbling and barely able to speak. He gave younger JD some advice and told him to stop getting in his head. Howard asked if he's still married at 70. Old JD said fuck no. Howard said he's shocked that he doesn't have medical issues. Old JD said he's 500 pounds. Current JD said alright already. Howard spent a little more time with Old JD and found out his bed is made of McDonald's wrappers.
Howard tanked Eileen for calling in with that. He said that JD is thinking a lot about things that he's said on the air before. Howard asked if he thinks about spending all of his tax return on a stripper. JD said that's one thing. Howard asked if he thinks about the time he spent $10,000 on webcam girls. JD said thanks to Eileen for bringing this up. Howard said how about the time he got a hand job on the air and wasn't able to get hard. JD laughed. Howard said his poor boy.
Howard let Eileen go after that. Robin asked what they are missing if he's stopping himself from saying stuff. She said things want to leap out and now he's trying to keep them secret. Howard said he has always enjoyed the stammering. He said they're missing out on the unrepressed JD though. Robin said they want to hear about his spoons and peanut butter.
JD said he still talks about things there. Howard asked about the porn star he had sex with. JD said that was Kimberly Kane. Howard said he misses hearing about stuff like that. Robin said he should stop trying to hold it all in.
Howard said he remembers JD's speech getting bad about the time he admitted he blew loads into his t-shirt. He said he told him not to do that because it's ruining t-shirts. He said the next day he was very mumbly. He said that was it. Howard asked JD if he remembers that. JD asked how he could forget. Howard played a song parody about JD and went to break after that.
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Robin said he's been talking about cutting his hair. Howard said he thinks he's showing too much face. Robin said that woman is showing her face and she looks attractive. Howard said he won't be showing more face. He said he sees that app and he wants to throw up.
Howard said he got up 2 minutes before his alarm clock went off. He said he just got up and said ''fuck.'' He didn't want to leave bed. He said he got up in front of his mirror and the bathroom is very well lit. He said he called in a lighting expert to fix the lights in there. He said he knows the guy is thinking he just looks horrible. He said that the guy said he has a lot of illumination and he could make it more pink in there. He said he thinks that the guy was recommending throwing a pink scarf over the light. He said the guy was top notch. He said he got a price and it was too much money. He said he told his wife it was ridiculous.
Howard said he must sweat a lot because his hair stands up like Marge Simpson. He said he has a belly and he's not working out as hard as he used to. He said he has titties now too. He said he dribbles in his underpants at night so he has tissue in there. He said he throws that out and he's nude in front of that light. He said he gets disgusted looking at himself. He said he sees his fat ass too. He said it's dimply and rippled. He said then he gets on the scale. He said that's his torture for the morning. He said he's 3 pounds heavier than he should be. He said he didn't eat that much yesterday. He said he sat there until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. He said he was exhausted and then sat in front of the computer. Then he sat with his shrink. He said he barely moved.
Howard said he should go live in the woods and he'll look better. Robin said he'll lose that belly real quick. Howard said he'll look like Mark Wahlberg. He said that guy gets up at like 2 in the morning to work out. He said he's shorter so he might be trying to bulk up. Robin said muscles don't make you taller. Howard said they think they do.
Howard said he takes a shower and then gets out and looks for pimples on his face. He said he has to get rid of them so Robin doesn't see them. He said she will think he's in the Wizard of Oz. He said then he gets dressed. He said Ralph leaves out outfits for him. He said he's getting too fat and Ralph puts out stuff that doesn't fit right.
Howard said he has coffee and berries and granola with yogurt waiting for him there. He said then Jon Hein will come in and read the notes for Adam Sandler. He said then Fred yells ''Two minutes!'' he said then the show is on. He said sometimes Gary ruins his breakfast by clearing his throat. He said he was good this morning. He said Jon Hein was clearing his throat. He said he refused to clear it so it was rattling around while he was telling his story. He said he threw up two times with that. He said Gary was good.
Howard asked Gary what he's doing to stop the phlegm. Gary said he has a new medication for his acid reflux.
Howard said he has to go. He let the caller go. He said the materials are so fantastic these days. He said people who painted back in the 1600 and 1700s had to scrounge up paper. He said it was like gold back then. He said the paint they had was shit. He said when you see what they painted it's amazing. He said he's amazed at what they could paint back then. Howard said he's busy making his own toothpaste to make his own paints.
Howard took a call from a guy who said yesterday's show was tight. He said that he made Ronnie shut up with that stuff from Brent's wife. Howard said that really shook Ronnie up. Howard said he asked him in the car about it and Ronnie wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He said he was all subdued. He said he thinks Ronnie was all shook up.
Howard said there are guys who are all about their sexual prowess and they get taken down a notch. Howard said he always wanted to meet a girl who could fuck his brains out and you meet one and you get scared. He said he thinks that was what Ronnie was afraid of.
The caller said Ronnie is like the Fredo of the show now. Howard did some lines from The Godfather with Ronnie in it. Howard said Ronnie was off his game the rest of the day. He said now he knows how women should handle a sexual predator.
Howard said he fears that we lack patriotism in this country. He said everyone is just about winning. He said it's not about the country winning. He said he wants to hear what went on with this guy and they're rushing to get him appointed. Howard said there is no rush on this stuff. He said he's been working on a product for the past year and a half. He said that he hasn't made the announcement yet because he doesn't want to put pressure on himself. He said that the company asked when he's going to do it. He said that they keep hounding him about it. He said he gets sucked into it. He said that it's not right yet and it's not done or finished. He said he wants to do it on his own terms and make something so great. He said that he wants it to be so right and great for himself. He said he told the people at this company that they have to take a breath. He said he's not ready yet. He said he's working as fast as he can and he has to go through the process. He said they understood.
Howard said here's the highest court in the land and they're rushing this appointment. He said this is the Supreme Court. Howard said that Bill Clinton wanted an Attorney General and Janet Reno was like the third choice. Howard said they put a stop to his first two choices. Howard said he wanted Clinton to have who he wanted but it wasn't good for the country. Howard said this is a serious accusation. Robin said patriotism became just standing for the flag.
Howard said he doesn't think he's ultra liberal or conservative. He said he's in between somewhere. He said that the idea that these men who sit on the committee are going to bring in the woman and him in but they're afraid to question her. He said if he was this woman he would say that she's got a prosecutor on her and they don't go for the truth. They try to prove that you're guilty. Howard said she's after some sort of truth about a man's character. Howard said he doesn't like the way this whole thing is being handled.
Robin said the rest of the world looks to America to see how to do things. She said that a woman from Africa was saying she can't believe what is happening with this choice of a judge in America. Robin said that we are becoming a bad example of things. Howard said he's not saying that Kavanaugh shouldn't be on the court but take a breath. He said that he can take a breath for his project. He said that they need to take a good hard look at this.
Howard said there shouldn't be a prosecutor in this case. He said it's not a court case. Robin said McConnell was saying this is despicable what the democrats are doing. She said it's despicable what the senate is doing. She said it's a bunch of babies trying to have their way.
Howard said he wanted to take a moment to remember Eric the Actor. He said he loved talking to celebrities and celebrities loved him. He said Jimmy Kimmel loved Eric. He played a clip of Jimmy talking about him being the number one Wack Packer. He had Eric on the phone to talk about that back then.
Howard said Jimmy thinks that the Alex Jones calling in thing is now Jimmy's favorite thing on the show.
Howard said Eric wanted to be called an actor and he wanted to be an actor in the worst way. He said he had a career and he was aggressive when he asked for roles on shows. He said they had Dick Clark on in 2004 and Eric asked him for a role. He said Eric was cast in a role on that show. Howard said Eric was also a big an of American Idol and he was a huge fan of Diana DeGarmo. He said they had her in the studio with him in 2008. He said Eric asked her out on the air live in the studio. He played a clip from that day.
Howard said Eric was also a big fan of wrestling. He had Stephanie McMahon on the show and Eric called in. He played another clip where Eric called in to talk to her and Howard asked if he has whacked it to her. Eric said maybe.
Howard said that Eric was fantastic. He said the biggest celebrity Eric talked to is now the president of the United States. He said this was from 2005 when Trump called in to promote The Apprentice. Howard played the clip and Eric asked Trump about getting into the hotel business and he has some ideas. Howard gave him 3 seconds with him. He told him to give him his two best ideas. Eric told Trump about a hotel idea he had. Howard had Trump tell him he was fired. He told Eric he was joking and he wasn't fired. Robin said he was nice to the physically challenged back then. She asked what happened.
Howard said Eric had that long pitch and it was such a bad idea. Robin said that was his best idea. She said she can't imagine what his others were.
Howard said he has tape of Donald Trump and Eric the Actor for Tom Arnold if he's looking for that.
Howard said he has to play High Pitch Erik calling Eric as Kelly Clarkson whenever he talks about Eric. He played the phony phone call Erik made to Eric as Kelly. Eric knew it was High Pitch.
Howard said he could go on and on with that. He said it's always important to remember Eric the Actor. He said he could have whipped out more stuff but he tries to bring in different moments. Robin said the beauty of him was that he was self generating. Howard said he left very tiny shoes to fill and they're very hard to fill. He said he was listening to Warren Zevon's song he did when he was dying. He said he got an email from Tom Chiusano and he woke up to that. He said that he was talking about Chris Cornell and Tom said he was on YouTube and sent him a link of Warren Zevon. He said he wanted to jump out the window. He said maybe it's nice to leave with this song and Eric. He played the song ''Keep Me In Your Heart.'' They went to break after that.
Howard played the clip and this guy was talking about how witchcraft is taking over the country. Howard said when this guy does that speaking in tongues that's witchcraft. Howard played more of the clip and the guy said it's time to pray for the president. Then the guy starts praying by speaking in tongues. The guy is just making noise and asking the congregation to pray with him.
Howard said that's like Klingon. Robin said they have people standing around listening to people like that. He said it's so funny. He said he went to religious school and the rabbi guys would spend 3 hours after school teaching you all of this stuff. He said it was a cuckoo language that he didn't need to learn. He said he could have spoken in tongues like this guy and it would have saved him hours. He said that it would have meant just as much to him.
Howard said he wondered what the fuck he was saying. Robin asked if they never told him. Howard said they did tell you but he had no idea what it meant. He said he's jealous of this John Kilpatrick guy because he just rambles in tongues. He said he's so jealous. He said the whole world is going nuts.
Howard said he has some of these robo-calls that the people who run for office are putting out. He said this guy is Patrick Little and they play a message about ending Jewish control over America. Howard said the announcer is really good. He said he's amazed he did this for that guy. He said voice over is getting harder and harder. He said they use more and more celebrities and this guy has to make money somehow. He said he wishes he could speak that well.
Howard said he wants to find out who this guy is and ask him what happened to him. He said this guy will never get a job on the Supreme Court. He said he thinks he's heard this guy on amusement park commercials. He said maybe he uses a different name when he records those type of commercials.
Howard said this is an anti-Mexican robo-call. He said they used the Molly Tibbets death in that one. Howard said this guy is a good announcer too. He played that call and Robin said he's not that good. Howard said once you make the leap to making these kind of robo-calls he thinks you kiss your commercial voice overs goodbye. Howard played more of the robo-call. Robin said she can't even understand what he's saying. She said he should be in a horror film.
Howard said they wrote a bunch of offensive ads and they found a guy who was willing to read anything they put in front of him. He said at one point he drew the line. Howard played the phony phone call they made to this guy asking him to do some ads for them. Sal called the guy and asked him to read off the commercials that he sent to him to read. They had him reading commercials that were anti-Semitic. They had him reading anti-transgender commercials and stuff like that too. The guy read a few of those and then they asked him to read one about adopting a Mexican family. He refused to do that or anything relating to liberal stuff. He eventually hung up on them.
Howard said he would watch a documentary about a guy who does those kind of things. He did an impression of what that guy might sound like talking about his work.
Howard said that's how those get on the air. He said it's unbelievable. Howard asked how Fred is doing. Fred said he's okay. Howard said he was very funny yesterday with Ronnie and Brent. Fred said Ronnie is having a resurgence. Robin said it's good that they brought in Brent's wife because she shut Ronnie down.
Howard took a call from fake Bill Cosby who said that Ronnie is freaking him out. He said it's enough about his sloppy butt hole. Bill also told Robin not to write all of those rapey song parodies. Howard said she doesn't write those. Howard let him go a short time later. Robins said she thought it was funny that Cosby was out there pretending he can't see and then someone yells out support for him and he looks right over at them.
Howard goofed on Cosby for a short time doing his impression of him having this big battle in his head about raping women or not. Robin said she thinks that he truly thinks he didn't do anything wrong. Howard said he was smiling in court and looking around. He said he may not think he did anything.
Howard said it was crazy yesterday when Cosby got sentenced to 3-10 years. He said that's a wide range. Robin said it must have to do with getting out on good behavior and stuff like that.
Howard said he was reading about Cobsy's first meal and it was something really good. He said it was better than what he had. He said that he thought his stand up sucked. Robin said that Howard might be in the minority. She said that people used to sit at home listening to every album.
Howard read about his dinner on Tuesday. He said it was a veal patty, pasta, gravy, mixed veggeis and tomato salad. They had pudding for Cosby too. Howard said he didn't even have dessert last night. He said that veal is expensive. Robin said not the patty. Howard asked why he needs the salad on top of all of that. Robin said you need your vegetables. She said you want to be able to have your movement in the middle of that room. Howard said he had spaghetti with faux chicken. He said he didn't even have real chicken. He said Cosby is really mixing it up. He said he heard that he was crying in his prison photo. He said you can't be doing that in there. Robin said that is not a way to start. Robin said they have said they are going to appeal. Howard said it's crazy. He said one week you rob a 7-Eleven and then you're in prison with Dr. Huxtable. Howard said next thing you know he's giving you all of his cigarette money. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he went to a break fast. He said he loves this song. He said this is the kind of song he would like to be able to sing. He said he needs a Springsteen like song to sing like Fred from the B-52s.
Howard said he was talking about this break-fast thing. He said he's not into fasting but he went to hob knob. He said he was talking to Beth and the thing you say if you want to be in the know is this Yiddish phrase. He told Robin what it was. He said Beth was like ''What?'' He said he had Beth in the car practicing. He said she said it wrong by saying ''La Shania Twain.'' He said that didn't work out well.
Howard asked if Adam Sandler is there. He said he has to ask him about the comedy albums he put out. He said he has a new Netflix special. He said it's stand up and music. He said Jon Hein saw it and said it's really funny. He said he talks about trying to get anal off his wife in the special. He said he never thought Adam thought like that.
Howard said they're keeping that special under lock and key right now. He said Adam is their big draw over there. Adam came in with his bulldog. Howard asked who that is. Adam said that's Baboo. He said he's 11 years old. Howard said he ran into him the other night at a restaurant. He said they had just lost their cat Leon. He said you get so attached to these pets. Howard said Adam loves that dog. Adam said they do. He said they had two others.
Howard said he used to bring his bulldog to work. He said he worried about it too much. He said that he wasn't able to do his job. He said he was more worried about Bianca than anything. He said it's like a kid. Adam said that this dog flies with him all the time. He said 11 is ridiculous. He said he first two passed away at 4. He said Matzah ball passed away during surgery. He said it never woke up. Howard said they can't breathe. Adam said that this one doesn't snore. He said they had Sadie and she liked the dog so they got a look alike after the one died. He said that all she could say was Baboo at the time so that's what they named her. He said this dog was skittish as hell so someone must have done something to her. He said she's fine now though.
Howard said Adam is good with animals. He said he was kind of shocked. He said that he didn't get to see the special. He said one guy saw it. He said he wanted to see it. He said Jon told him he saw it and he talks about wanting to get anal from his wife. Adam said that was a joke. He said he doesn't want that. He said he leaves her alone. Howard said he thinks of him as a guy who just has sex to procreate and it's not that important to have sex. Adam said they have fun. He said she's a good girl.
Howard said there's a lot of music in his special too. He said he likes to do the songs. Adam said he likes to have fun with that. Howard said the most poignant moment is when he does a song for Chris Farley. He said he talks about him in a funny way but it's also touching. Adam said it's like a 5 minute long song. He said it's emotional because you see footage of him in it.
Howard said that when he would watch Farley and Spade together. He said Farley would get jealous of Spade when he got a woman. Adam said he thinks that he just liked the same girl. Howard said it was like a love triangle or something. Adam said he heard he played ''At a Medium Pace'' yesterday. Howard said this dog is making noise. He said he likes that. He said the dog is having fun. Howard said he thinks he wants to go smell Benjy's ass.
Howard said Adam went to Garry Shandling's funeral. He said he heard he sang ''My Sweet Love'' there. Adam said he knew Garry and Judd Apatow was close so he got to hang out with him when he was like 23. Howard asked if he got advice from Garry. Adam said he did. He said he was beyond giving to him and everybody. He said Garry would come and watch everything he did. He said he'd come to his movies and test screenings. He said he would help him with his stand up and all of that.
Howard said Adam wanted to do a Cheech and Chong like album. Adam said that's right. He said he didn't have a lot of great stand up. He said that the record company was disappointed in the beginning.
Howard said that Adam wasn't that famous but Lorne Michaels suggested that he do an album for this company and it was going to be done for next to nothing. Then Adam said he wanted to do a big production and do sketches and songs. Adam said that's right. He said they didn't love it. He said they said maybe do that on the second album. Adam said he stuck to his guns and he had to do that so he didn't have to write a new hour of stand up. He said you don't give that away.
Howard said he heard he was making pitches during the meetings at Saturday Night Live and there was no way to get them on the air. Adam said there were some like that. Howard said the bit he likes is the one where the guy is taking the pee and it's the longest one in the world. Howard said he'll play that for people so they know what they're talking about. Howard said this is called ''They're all going to laugh at you.'' Howard asked who is in this. Adam said that's Rob Schneider. Howard played the bit and Adam said it's painful hearing that high voice. In the bit the guy is pissing and it's going on and on.
Howard said he wants to know how he makes that sound. He said they used potatoes to make a sound for a Karen Carpenter bit where they had to make a vomit sound. Fred said they had to cut the potatoes the right size or it sounded like shit hitting the water.
Howard asked if Adam spent a lot of time trying to get that sound right. Adam said that they did. Howard let the bit play and asked what the back story was on that. Adam said he thinks it was just him getting excited about making a sound effect.
Howard asked what they did to get that sound. Adam said they had this guy. He said he was Elmo Webber. He said that this guy Brooks Foster guy came to work with him on the record. He said he produced ''Hang On Sloopy'' and things like that. Howard said that's his song. He said he does that song into ''Louie, Louie'' at parties.
Howard asked Adam about the pee thing and said he has to get back to that. Adam said Elmo did the sound effects. He said Brooks came by. Howard said that they made some sounds with a hose in a bowl or something like that. Adam said it was something like that. Adam said he can't believe Howard knows that.
Howard asked if he sang at the Garry Shandling funeral in a serious way. Adam said he did. He said that Judd asked him to do that for him. He said that he knew Tom petty was going to be there and he didn't want to do it in front of him. He said he sang ''Give Me Love'' there. He said he didn't practice enough. Howard said he's the kind of guy who learns the night before. Adam said he tries. He said that you want to know a whopper of a joke if someone writes it for you.
Howard said he heard a crazy story about him. He said when he was a little kid his parents had a picture of him in a sailor's outfit. Howard said his parents didn't believe in taking pictures of him. He said his father didn't think anyone wanted to see him in pictures. He said that's why he's fucked up. Howard said the story with Adam goes that they had this picture of him and it was two of the same thing so it looked like twins. Adam said they spliced it in the middle so it looked like he had a twin. Adam said he told this guy that he had a twin and the guy said ''Oh my god there were two of you?'' Adam said his mother was a twin and her sister passed away so he went with that story. He said her twin sister passed when she was like a year or so. Howard asked if she talked about it much. Adam said she didn't. He said she was sad about it.
Howard said it's funny that they take on their parent's stories in their life. He said that he took on his mother's depression himself.
Adam said that the guy he told didn't tell other kids about the twin. He said that he'd bring it up when he came over to visit. Howard said that's dark but funny stuff.
Howard asked how he gets so good playing guitar that he can go up and play in front of people. Adam said he played his whole life. He said his father played and he played some Johnny Cash stuff. He said he taught him some chords and he got his own guitar. He said his father told him he should be a country star. He said he grew up in New Hampshire and no one listened to country.
Adam said he had to learn the song ''Malaguenas'' and his father would buy him a guitar. He said his father got him one once he learned it. He said he got a Stratocaster and he still has it. He said that was in 1979 or something like that.
Howard said Adam talks about how his dad never showed up to his school. Adam said it was like once in the middle of a test where he asked about where he put his rake.
Howard said his dad died when he was like 64. Howard said his dad retired when he was like 55. He said he thought he could do that. He said he's not going to retire when he's 55. He said that he didn't want to be his dad.
Howard asked how he's so motivated to do what he does. Adam said that he's not sure. He said that his wife has never said anything about his appearance even when he gets fat but he can really blow up. He said he used to go to the gym but now he just plays basketball. He said he's getting pains and pulling muscles.
Howard said he gets a lot of pain when he goes to the gym and stuff. He said David Letterman ran like 10 miles on his 70th birthday. Adam said that he knew he was into sports when he was throwing the football on his show. He said when he sees that he wants to be able to do that.
Howard said he had Pete Davidson on the show on Monday. Adam said that he's a good basketball player. Howard asked Adam what he thinks about Chevy Chase. Adam said he thought that was all funny. He said that Chevy has slammed him to his face. He said they started it out and they're doing their stuff. Howard said Pete was offended. Adam said he's sure because he's on the show now. He said that Chevy whacked Farley in the face with his baseball cap or something like that. He said that was great.
Howard said that Chris Farley was so great and he asked Dave about him showing up on the show. He said Dave didn't appreciate it as much as he should have. Adam said that Chris told him that Dave told him that he was the life of the party. He said he knew he'd be upset about that.
Howard said Farley and Spade would fight over women and Farley would leave messages for him. He said that Farley would say he was going to hit him with a baseball bat or something. He said that guy was non stop funny.
Adam said that David would tell him about doing a scene for Tommy Boy and the crew would laugh at Spade's lines and Farley would say he's taking that line. He said that would make Spade crazy.
Howard said Michael Jordan was hosting once and he heard a story about Lorne coming in and telling them not to ask of an autograph. He said Rob Schneider asked him to get one on a basketball. Adam said that he did sign it. Howard said they would fuck with people all day. Adam said that was an exciting thing back then. He said they got to meet Bruce Springsteen. He said he did the show and they all got to eat dinner with the guy. He said they were all just shooting the shit with Bruce.
Howard asked what he shoots the shit about. Adam said he loved the guy and his sister loved him too. He said that he was star struck of course. He said that he went to this gym once and he saw a guy that looked like Bruce and he figured he wouldn't be there. He said he walked past him and Bruce said he knew who he was and he said he was ''Adam Stanley.'' He said that he told everyone he met him and no one believed him. He said he came to the show and they were all standing there and Bruce locked eyes with him and said ''Are you still working out at Bally's?''
Howard said that he had Pete Davidson on talking about dating Ariana Grande. He said that Norm Macdconald told him that they were afraid to date anyone on the show.
Howard said that he produces some of Spade's movies and Schneider's movies. He asked if people come to him asking if he can produce their stuff. Adam said he used to get more of that in the past. He said not as many people are doing that now. He said he says to people if they have something great that he'll call Ted over at Netflix. He said he'll do that even if it's not so great.
Howard said Adam has a new comedy special called 100 Percent Fresh. He said that will be out October 23rd on Netflix. Howard said that Adam is on SiriusXM all the time on the comedy channels too.
Howard asked Adam about making a comedy album and if he pitches the longest pee thing. Adam said no. He said that was a sound effect kind of thing.
Howard said this Hanukkah song is about people who don't admit they're Jewish. He asked if he was trying to get them to come out and admit it. Adam said it wasn't about that. He said it was just something that he was surprised about. He said he was always proud to be Jewish as a kid but there were times he was nervous. Howard asked if he felt he was outing people when he did the song. Adam said he was just saying it to say look how cool we are and how many great ones there are. Howard asked if he's ever been asked to take them out of his song. Adam said that one guy was pissed at him. He said that this guy was in the song and he asked to be taken out. He said he thinks he was in Seattle and this guy who owned the Seattle Supersonics might celebrate Hanukkah. He said that he was out and this guy came over to him and he said that he would like to be left out of that song. He said the guy wanted him to 86 that song. He said he's not a Jew. Adam said that Schneider asked what's wrong with that and the guy said he's not a Jew. He said that they got into it and he told the guy he'd leave him out of it.
Howard said if the guy is a Jew he's a self hating Jew. Howard asked if he can believe that shit still goes down. Adam said he must have been taught that as a kid and he just stuck with it.
Howard said that he said that Dinah Shore was a Jew in one version. Adam said he changed it to Pauly Shore. Howard played some of that song and said he had some good ones in there. Howard went through some of those names and said he pictures him looking them up in his computer. Adam said that wasn't even the computer days. He said he had to really look into that stuff.
Adam said Rodney Dangerfield told him to calm down with the Jewish stuff. He said it was like he was afraid he was going to get shot or something. He said he told him not to throw it at them like that. Howard asked where he gave him that advice. Adam said he's not sure.
Howard said Adam talks about being a Bar Mitzvah boy and how you don't know what it means when you sing those songs. Adam and Howard went back and forth singing one of those songs. Howard said he still doesn't know what the fuck that means. Adam said he didn't either. He said that he knew bits and pieces of it. Howard asked how much of that story he buys into. Adam said he doesn't worry about the judging but he believes there's a guy in the sky helping him out.
Howard asked Adam what his take is on the bar mitzvah boy thing is in the special. Adam said it's a song he does in the special. He said he recorded the song all over the place. Howard said he would know this if he watched it. He said he didn't get to see it though. Adam said he did it in a bunch of places. He said he was doing stand up again and he hadn't done it in a while so it took him a couple of years to get back into it.
Howard asked what it's like to get back into it after not doing it for a while. Adam said it's tough. He said he didn't do it for a while. He said these days everyone is recording you on their phones. Howard said that has to be tough to have that pressure on you. Adam said that they will turn on you in 30 seconds. He said you have to be ready to go. He said when he did stand up to get ready for this he would go out and go up and wonder why he was doing it again. He said he told Ted he would do it and he committed to it. Howard said he had a commitment to do 4 movies and now they've upped it to 8. He said his stuff is the most popular on Netflix from what Ted has told him. Adam said he'll take that. He said it's a great feeling.
Howard asked Adam about doing the comedy and leaving his family. Adam said that he had guys who would come over and write songs with him. He said he'd come up with an act and then he'd book himself in Vegas and places like that. He said they were selling tickets. Howard asked if he was good when he got back up there. Adam said yes. He said he wasn't steady. He said there were some bad jokes. He said he used to get the same feeling up there that he got on Letterman. He said he didn't know what to do. He said he feels good there with Howard because if he sucks then Howard will be funny.
Howard said they have a great group of guys. He said that they were great on Saturday Night Live. He said he thinks Chris Rock kicked in after Saturday Night Live. He said he made some kind of pact with himself and came out on fire. Adam said he's the best. He said he just took over. Adam said when he was on Saturday Night Live and he was touring it was the best. He said he was playing the giant places with those guys. He said then he was doing movies and he didn't have to do that. He said Rock told him not to stop doing the stand up. He said then Spade and Kevin James were talking about doing weekend gigs. He said they were still doing it.
Howard said get back to the song ''At a Medium Pace.'' He said it's a real romantic song. He said then it turns into sticking a shampoo bottle up his ass. He said it's like a relationship where the guy gets really disgusting with a woman. He played some of the song. Adam said this was his favorite song to play for people. Howard went through it with him and talked about how it goes downhill. Howard said it's like a country song at the start. Then he gets into stroking his cock at a medium pace. Then it works into the shampoo bottle. Howard and Adam were laughing. Howard said that's what guys do.
Howard said that's so great. Adam said that is a good one. Howard said he wrote that with Robert Smigel who does Triumph the Insult Comic dog. Adam said that Dave Mandella and a few other guys wrote on that one. He said that they were all throwing in ideas for that. Howard asked what Moe Austin says when he hears that song. Adam said he used to call record stores up and asked how his record was selling. He said they'd ask if he was Adam Sandler and he'd deny it.
Howard asked about the Mama's Cock and Balls bit he does on that album. He asked if he pitched that on Saturday Night Live. Adam said he didn't. He said he was going to sleep one night doing his mother's voice. Howard asked if she sounds like that. Adam said not really. He said he did it his own way. Howard said that she's telling the kids to go play with their cock and balls. He played some of that bit and had Adam laughing. Howard asked how many references he makes in that one. Adam said maybe 40. He said he hasn't heard that one in a long time. He said that he wrote that one down and had some guys come over for breakfast and had them read it. Howard had it playing and Adam was laughing at it.
Howard said that album went up for a Grammy. Adam said he didn't win that one. Howard said that would have been a great speech. He said they should do a special where they do it like this is his Sgt. Peppers. He said that would be so great.
Howard asked about this routine he did with Kevin Nealon called the Hypnotist. Howard asked how he wrote that. Adam said it was just a fantasy. He said that he and Kevin did that and they put the sound effects into it later. He said they were looking at each other when they did it and Kevin would make him fall out of character every time. Howard went over that bit and played some of it for Adam. Adam was laughing at that as well.
Howard asked if he had to come up with that sound effect too. Adam said they did and they could have done better. He said they could have made it more dry. Howard said he liked it.
Howard asked about Cheech and Chong and talked about watching ''Up in Smoke'' on the 50th anniversary. Adam said he did that too.
Howard asked about working with people like Jennifer Aniston in movies and if he has auditions for people like that. Adam said they hang out and they just know she'll be good. He said they have one coming out next summer with him and Jennifer as a married couple. He said it's a comedy. He said it's a good one. He said she's great in it.
Howard asked if he ever has to pull her aside and tell her how he wants it done. Adam said not him but she does that to him. He said they'll go over scenes and stuff together.
Howard asked Adam about going to George Clooney's house. Adam said Jennifer is buddies with him so they went to dinner with them one night. He said it was very nice. Howard said he must not do that much. Adam said he really doesn't. He said he's known Clooney for a long time and he's a great dude. He said they had a great night.
Howard asked if he has to sit and discuss politics. Adam said they just had fun. He said they had pizza and Bono was there. Howard said that's some fucking night. He said he must feel really famous. Adam said that it was tremendous. He said he's a big Bono fan. He said he didn't get to jam with him though. Howard said maybe they can work up something to perform together.
Adam said he was talking to Bono about comedy and he actually saw his special. Howard said he didn't even get it. Adam said he told them to give it to Howard. He said he's not sure what's going on with that.
Adam said he talked to Bono about the comedy special and he asked to see it. He said he called the guy in the editing room to get it to him. He said he saw it and wrote him a letter. He said he was very cool about it. Howard said look at him hob knobbing.
Howard said the new special is called 100 Percent Fresh. He asked why it's called that. Adam said it's all new stuff. He said on Rotten Tomatoes he gets zero stars so he's hoping for a good score for once.
Howard said he has to come in and perform a song for them one time. He said he's not prepared to do that today. Adam said the special isn't coming out until October 23 so they may not want him to play it. He asked if he can send it to him this week and he'll watch. Howard said yes. He said that maybe Bono or Jennifer can send it to him. Howard said they don't want him bootlegging it and giving it to everyone there.
Howard asked if he's going to have any Stern Show members in any movies. He said he had Ronnie and Gary in one. He said Sal was in some sitcom with him. He was on Kevin Can Wait. He said they seem to be giving a lot of work to the guys there. Robin asked how Ronnie was to work with. Adam said he was great. He said he added a lot to the movie. Howard said he didn't want to disappoint. He said he didn't look nervous at all. Howard said he's not sure how many takes it took but he was solid in that scene.
Howard asked if he plays golf. Adam said he doesn't really. He said he can hit some balls with the kids but that's about it.
Howard asked who the better actor is, Gary or Ronnie. Adam said they're both great. Howard said he's very diplomatic. He said that both of them could come back in some movie. Howard said they should have both of them in the same scene together.
Howard asked Adam if he was good in pitch meetings on Saturday Night Live. Adam said he was calm when he did it and he only got a few people laughing. He said Pete is solid as a rock out there when he does his thing. Howard asked if he ever thought about getting together with a guest. Adam said he never did. He said Pete did it though. Howard said so did Colin Jost.
Howard asked if he was fired from Saturday Night Live. Adam said he was. He said they had a new guy running the network. He said he still loves Lorne though. He asked if Howard has been out to Lorne's house. Howard said he has not. Adam said he would sit with Billy Joel. He said they asked Billy for like 5 songs for the movie and Billy just gave it to them to be a great guy. Howard asked how he did that. Adam said he spoke to him on the phone and Kevin James told him he was going to call. He said Robert Smigel wrote him a letter too. He said the fact that he did it was great. Howard asked if he gave it to him free. Adam said he didn't charge too much. He said he wanted it to be part of the movie.
Howard said he wanted to have a Jimi Hendrix song in Private Parts but they said they can't have him doing drugs while they play the song. He said he kind of gets that.
Howard asked if Adam won't take pictures with people. Adam said he will but he will try to talk people out of it at times if it's a weird time to do it. Adam said it looked like no one was bugging him at the restaurant the other night. Howard said he tells people he doesn't like the way he looks. He said if he looked like George Clooney he would do it but he looks like this. Adam said he hasn't even thought about doing that. Howard said he has to be positioned just right.
Howard said he did his hair for Adam today. He said that he has this stuff he puts in his hair to relax it. Adam asked what it is because he needs that. Howard said it's not made anymore. He said he only uses it for special guests. He said it's something called Sebastian. He said this gel is great. Adam asked if he uses a pick in it. Howard said he runs his hands through it. Adam told Howard he looks cool. He said that some Jews look good. Howard said he's no Jew. He said he's going to sue him over that. He said he loved that song about the Jews. He said you have to be proud to be Jewish.
Robin asked what happened with the investigation with that guy who told him to 86 the song. Adam said that it was a guy who bought the team after he researched the previous owner. He said the song was still being played and the guy didn't like it. Howard asked if he's a big Israel guy. Adam said he is. Howard said they may have to high tail it over there some day.
Howard said that he likes his dog. He said that Baboo calmed down and stayed quiet. Adam said he may have to get her out of there to let the dog pee. Adam said he has a zit on his face today. Howard said he gets them too. He said you get these white things and you have to get rid of them.
Howard said that Baboo just shit on Fred's board. He said Adam needs to get Fred into a movie. Adam said he could play someone in a movie. Howard said he heard that he had a dinner and Spade picked up the tab. Adam said Spade just happened to be there and Spade took care of it without even telling him. He said he told Spade not to do that. He said he usually pays it. He said he warned him that this was a big one. He said David called him a couple days later and said the bill was really big. Howard asked what it was. He said it must have been 3-4 grand. He said they were going nuts that night. Howard said he's amazed at the heart David has. Adam said he bets that his wife loves him. Howard said Beth loves him. Adam said his wife too. He said Spade goes to her first when he comes over. Howard said maybe he's trying to bang them.
Howard said Adam has said it all. He said that Jon Hein saw his special and loved it. Jon got on his microphone and said he did.
Howard asked if he fears that Spade didn't leave enough of a tip. Adam said that he told him he had to leave something for the holiday. He said Spade said it's not his holiday.
Howard said Bono and Jon Hein liked this comedy special. He said Jennifer Aniston liked it too. Adam said he hasn't been this into something he did for a while. He said that this is stimulating people. Howard said he didn't phone it in. Adam said there was a lot of care done with that. Howard gave him some more plugs and said the special is coming out on the 23rd of October. Howard gave him some more plugs and wrapped up. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard asked Wendy if she said she gets a shot so she doesn't get her period. Wendy said yes. She said she doesn't get cramps that way. Howard asked where the rash is. Wendy said it's on her butt and thighs. Howard said maybe that's from her diaper. Wendy said it's not from bedbugs. Robin said a diaper rash can spread. Howard asked if the doctor knows she wears a diaper. Wendy said they do. Howard asked if it's been ruled out as a diaper rash. Wendy said yes. Howard said maybe it's the shot. Wendy said they had her change her laundry detergent. Howard said she hasn't been eating healthy. He said that could be it. Howard said maybe it's fleas. Robin said if it's not bedbugs then maybe it's fleas.
Howard asked how her romantic relationships are. Wendy said she's been watching blood squirt out when she scratches. Howard said that would hamper a relationship. Howard said he'd like to see her eat better. Howard said he thinks it's from her not taking care of herself. Robin said he could be right.
Howard asked Wendy to let him know what happens. Wendy said she needs his help so she can get her prescription. She said she has no money for that. Howard said he's broke too. Gary showed him a picture of the rash. Robin took a look too. Robin said ''Oh dear!'' She said that's bad. She said she better go right away. Wendy said she's supposed to get a phone call to set up an appointment.
Howard said maybe it was her being near Benjy when she was up there. He said he's just fucking with Benjy of course. He said he looks good.
Howard said Sarah Huckabee Sanders is sitting in for the news today. He had fake Sarah sitting in to comment on the news.
Robin started her news with a story about Michael Rapaport suing his former employer. Robin said he says that they're slandering him. Robin said that he wants them to take back that he has herpes. Robin said that show is called Barstool Sports. Robin said he called them some names and that's how they responded. Robin said they fired him and allegedly said that he's a herpes ridden failure. Gary said they were also using his image with a clown nose on.
Robin asked how hard it is toe remember that you put your child in a shopping cart. Robin said this person drove 32 miles before realizing the child wasn't there. Robin said she thinks the moms are more connected than dads but this woman forgot. Robin said the woman claims it was an accident. Robin said this woman claims she thought the 17 month old was in her car in a child seat.
Robin read a story about a cop who taught a 2 year old to use the N-word and got fired over that. Robin said she's suing to get back on the NYPD. Howard said he knows plenty of people who use it and you don't have to teach them.
Robin read a story about how the number of babies who are born with syphilis is on the rise. Robin had some details about that.
Howard took a call from Chad from St. Louis who said Benjy Bronk is a saint. He said he's glad he's speaking his truth. He said Howard should be ashamed of himself for the way he treats that young man. Howard said there you go. Chad said F-Timmy's skull to sign off. Howard spent a little time talking to fake Sarah after that.
Robin read a story about the President giving a speech to the United Nations yesterday. Howard said they laughed at him. Fake Sarah said that was all fake news. Robin had a clip of that speech where Trump said his administration has accomplished more than almost any other administration in history. Everyone started laughing. Howard asked what Fake Sarah thinks about that. She said they were all jizzing over that.
Robin said the late night guys loved that speech as well. She had clips of Jimmy Kimmel joking about that. She had a clip of Stephen Colbert talking about that speech too. Howard said that was funny and Sarah has to admit that. Fake Sarah said that all of that is fake news and fake jokes. Robin said even Jimmy Fallon was joking about that speech. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about President Trump commenting on the Kavanaugh accusers yesterday. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Trump said this is all just resist and obstruct. Howard spent a little time talking to Fake Sarah about that. Robin had more audio of people talking about that as well.
Robin read a story about Bill Cosby and had some audio of someone talking about how he used his comedy for crimes for many years. Robin said he's going to have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Robin had some audio of one of the lawyers talking about the case. Robin said Cosby is still fighting back. She had some audio of his publicist saying this was the most racist and sexist trials in history. Robin had some audio of that guy comparing Cosby to Jesus. Howard said he's almost better than Sarah Sanders. Fake Sarah said that sounds like a stand up young man. Robin had some audio from another person who read a statement from Cosby's wife.
Robin read a story about how sexual assault calls are increasing. Robin said they say that these sexual assault cases are having a lot more people make calls. Robin had some audio of a woman who was assaulted at the age of 7 and how she was sent to India to live with her grandparents after she spoke out. Robin said when she was 16 she didn't say anything when her 29 year old boyfriend assaulted her.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said he loved the Adam Sandler movie. He said he was and extra in one of the movies. He said he's entering a comedy contest and he wanted to run a couple of jokes past him. Howard asked where the contest is. Speech Impediment Man said it's in L.A. and the winner gets a couple of shows up in Seattle. Howard asked what he's got. Speech Impediment Man told some jokes and Fred played some cricket sounds. Howard said he has to think about his comedy for a minute or two. Speech Impediment Man told another joke that didn't go over very well. Howard went back to the first joke and went through it trying to figure it out. Howard asked him to explain his joke to him. Speech Impediment Man said he was watching porn on the computer and he got a virus because he got his dick caught in the keyboard. Howard said he gets it now. Fred played crickets.
Howard asked if he throws out any jokes. Speech Impediment Man said that he is 57 and he's a security guard living in his brother's basement. Howard said this is his comedy. He said get up there and tell people about his life. Speech Impediment Man said he'll do that. He said that he'll tell them that Howard even spoofs at him. Robin said there he goes again. Howard said just open with what he said to him and then close with the same material. Howard said don't make up the jokes about the computer virus from the keyboard.
Gary said that Shuli has a quick question for him. He asked if he had to pay to enter the contest. Speech Impediment Man said you do have an entrance fee of like $25. Shuli said that's what they do with not legitimate contests. Howard said he's thinking of starting one of these things. Shuli said he had a good joke about dating. He asked him to do that one. Speech Impediment Man told a joke about pepper spray that he used to do. Howard asked how many guys he can get to pay this entry fee. Speech Impediment Man said last year they had like 35 people. Howard said he has to do the math on that. He did it the long way and figured that it was like $8 million. Speech Impediment Man laughed. Howard said it's actually $875. Gary said if you have a deal with a club you can work with the club to sell alcohol and make money that way.
Howard said he thinks he has a career for them after this show. He said they can let them tell just 3 jokes or something. Howard asked how long he has to sit through his act. Robin said they don't have to stay. Howard asked if he cares if they throw eggs at him. Speech Impediment Man was cracking up. Gary said Shuli did one of those contests and there were 9 people in the audience and 12 comics. Speech Impediment Man cracked up again. Speech Impediment Man said if you have a dream you have to go for it. Howard let him go. He said he doesn't know how to get through to him.
Robin read a story about a prison that wants to ban visitors from wearing tampons. Robin said they call the vagina the ''prison purse.'' Robin said they say if they have to examine a woman and they're on their period they don't check. Robin said they're calling off this ban for now but it was meant to reduce smuggling.
Robin read a story about an upcoming NFL game that's going to feature 2 women as the primary broadcasters. Robin said this will be on Amazon Prime. Howard spent a little more time talking to Fake Sarah Sanders.
Robin read a story about Dunkin Donuts dropping the Donuts part of their name. Robin said it's just going to be called Dunkin. Howard said that's very innovative. He said they're still selling them but dropping it from their name. He said it's like Cher.
Robin read about how Sonic Drive Ins is being sold to a new owner and it's to the company that owns Arby's. Howard asked how they did on Jon Hein's book. Jon said they have amazing ice. He said it lasts for a remarkable amount of time. Howard asked how that's possible. Jon said he's not sure but they just love the ice. Howard said he has so many questions.
Robin read a story about Will Smith turning 50 and celebrating by bungee jumping out of a helicopter. Robin had some audio of Smith talking about that after he did it. Howard asked why he would do that. He said he would never do that. He said if things work out with your career you don't do that.
Robin read a story about Gary Numan canceling his tour after his tour bus ran over a person in an intersection. Howard said he didn't know he was still out there touring. Fred played their song ''Cars'' and Howard said that's very ironic that they ran over a guy. Howard asked what year that song came out. He said he's going to say 1979. Robin said she's not sure. Fred said it was 1979. Robin had other songs of Gary's to play. Howard said he just knows Cars. He sang his own version of the song with an effect on his voice. He thought it sounded pretty good. He sang about his car and how he doesn't use bumper stickers and things like that.
Robin read a story about a rapper named Lil Xan who ate too many hot Cheetos. Robin said he had to go to the hospital over that. Robin said he said he was vomiting blood from it. Robin said he says he'll start his new tour today.
Howard had Jon Hein on the phone to talk about the ice from Sonic. The guys had clips from his audio book where he gave a top 5 list of ice.
Howard wondered how many of those books he sold. He said he has so many questions about that too. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard wrapped up with fake Sarah. The show was over around 11:20am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.