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Howard started the show asking Fred why he plays the clip of Goldust making his ''Uh uhhhh'' sound. Fred said it's just a funny clip. Howard said some survive the years and some don't. Howard said that's from like 10-15 years ago but it's still in there. Fred said people don't know who it is but the sound gets them. Howard said that drop is like their Stairway to Heaven. Fred said this one is good too. He played another Goldust clip. Howard said it was so funny when he was in the studio doing that. He was pretending to have Tourettes back then. Howard said the guy was a wrestler and he pretended to have Tourettes. Howard said he'd come in and make those sounds. He said when it's on TV it's one thing but when he's just feet away from you doing it it's another. He said he couldn't keep a straight face. Robin said you don't need to know that to get a laugh from the sound.
Howard said Gary does that routine for him every morning when he's clearing his throat. Howard said Fred hears it. Fred said he thought they were bullshitting but he does hear it. Howard said he hears Gary doing it in the hall and he still hears it even though he's trying to hide it. Fred said maybe if he wore a full helmet he'd be heard less. Howard said he needs a sound proof booth. He said Gary is Gold-Phlegm or Gary Dell'Aphlegmy. Fred played a song parody where they had Gary clearing his throat to the tune of the Sopranos theme. Howard said that's in honor of Phil Leotardo from the Sopranos dying.
Howard said he has a phlegm guard in the studio now. He played a clip of Gary talking and clearing his throat and he puts up the guard so he doesn't get any on him. They had sounds of Gary's phlegm coming out and hitting the guard.
Howard said he watched the Emmys last night. He only saw some of it. He said the headlines in the two papers were about Colbert talking about Trump and how it became all about Trump. Howard said it really didn't. He said it was all about Botox and titty. He said the older you get the more you become like your parents. Howard said Nicole Kidman was in some show called ''Big Little Lies'' and even at his age he's still thinking about titty. Howard said Nicole comes out and she's with Reese Witherspoon and Zoe Kravtiz and some red head. Howard said he knew who she was. He said he thought it was the girl from Game of Thrones. Howard said she had an excellent rack on the Emmys. Howard said he's telling the guys how hot she is and the guys tell him that wasn't the girl from Game of Thrones. It was Shailene Woodley. He said he's a big fan of her's now. Howard said it was all about that for him last night. Howard said it was Titty City. Howard said he knows people are going to say he's sexist but the women were all putting them out for view. Howard asked how he can't look at that? Howard said he he's watching TV and he was by himself so what is he supposed to do. He said this Shailene Woodley was putting those pontoons out there for everyone to see. He said she's his favorite.
Robin said she did notice that her titties walked out with the rest of the women. Howard did his impression of Richard's dad talking to Richard about them being his favorites. Howard said Mr. Skin has her tits listed as real and medium. Howard said someone said to him that she's the new Daryl Hannah. Howard said she's one step away from living in a teepee and she gets arrested a lot protesting stuff. Gary said she has said she sun bathes nude because she needs a lot of vitamin D. Howard said that's so great. Gary said she makes her own toothpaste too. Howard said that's hot. He said her teeth might fall out of her head though.
Howard said he had to switch his toothpaste. He said he used Mentadent and Arm and Hammer stopped making it. Howard said he's been using it for like 20 years and now it's gone. He said his dentist gave him something to switch to. Gary said he got upset too. He said he tried buying a case of it but the price got jacked up so high. Howard said he has some to sell. Gary said they're selling it for like $20 for a two pack. Howard said he has a few to give him. He said just write him a note.
Howard said he had a housekeeper go out and buy like 500 Mentadent's like 3 years ago. Howard said he asked her to stock up on it and she bought like 500. He said he just wanted a few tubes. He said he blew his stack to Beth. He asked if he was Rockefeller or something. Howard said he asked why he had 500. Howard said now he's the man. He said he's like a drug dealer for Gary.
Howard read that Shailene Woodley makes her own medicine too. He said she forages for wild food and gather water from a natural spring. Robin said it's funny that Howard thinks that's hot. Howard asked if there are any naked pictures of her. Gary said there should be some from a few movies she's been nude in. Howard said she's so hot.
Howard said she's his kind of kook. He said she's like Robin. Howard sang a song about Shailene Woodley. He was singing about her making tampons out of leaves. Gary came in with some pictures and there was a new step in the studio so he almost fell. Howard said Gary almost went right down.
Howard asked how old Shailene is. Robin said she's 20-something. Howard said he's sure she's done the Ayahuasca thing that Robin did. Howard said she probably has wind chimes too. Howard sang more about her and how they're going to Peru to take Ayahuasca. Howard said she's 25. He said she's young but hot. He said he thinks everyone is thinking the way he is. He said he's like Trump in that way. He said Trump thinks one way so he comes out and says that everyone is thinking that way.
Howard sang more about Shailene and making her own toothpaste. Robin said she got the toothpaste idea from some African cab driver. Howard said that's so sweet that she makes her own toothpaste. He said imagine you're dating her and she's taking cactus and turning it into shit and smashing up her medicines in her bathing suit. Then you fuck her brains out.
Gary said he was reading that she doesn't flush her urine. He said her phrase for that is ''If it's yellow let it mellow.'' Howard said everyone is flushing except for her. Howard said he thinks she's so stupid that he won't flush rubbers down the toilet so he throws them out. He said everyone is flushing them except for him.
Gary said back in the 60s it was cool to say that you didn't have a TV. He said Shailene doesn't have a smart phone. Howard said that's so cool. Howard said she made her own phone out of string and cups.
Howard said that was his take away from the Emmys. He said he hasn't seen her in one thing. Howard said she said in her interview on the Emmys she said her makeup is ''Just happiness.'' Gary said she also yells out ''Exciting day'' over and over to get her day started. Howard said she probably fucks like a wild beast.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's killing him. He said that he can't be looking at the same pictures that he's looking at. He said they can't be talking about the same chick. Howard said the guys told him who she was. The caller said it can't be the same girl. Howard said don't ruin his fantasy just because he can't get into it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he used to use Mentadent for years too. He said his wife got him something new and he didn't know they were stopping making it. He asked what his dentist recommended. Howard said he can't remember. He said he'll find out. He said it has a whitener in it. The caller said his wife got some Arm and Hammer stuff but it doesn't work that well.
Robin said she's reading about Shailene Woodley and she stains her lips with beet juice instead of lipstick. Howard said that's hot. Gary said Beth sent him a text about seeing Shailene Woodley in the movie ''A Fault in our Stars.'' Howard said he did see that. Howard said she has tubes in her nose and she's still hot in that movie. Howard said that girls like that are wild in bed.
Gary said that Steve Brandano said they interviewed Shailene Woodley for Geektime and she hugged everyone in the studio even the phone screener.
Howard took a call from a guy who was trying to sell them some Mentadent like a drug dealer. He said he's going to have to stick his fist up his ass to make sure he's not wearing a wire. Howard said he'll do anything to get Mentadent.
Robin said that she does something that Shailene does. She said she drinks Bullet Proof Coffee. Howard said he's sure they'd get along. Howard said Robin fertilizes her own vegetables with her own feces. Howard said she has her own natural titties too.
Howard took a call from Chad in St. Louis who was going to ask a question but Howard was still talking about Shailene Woodley making her own stuff. He said she made her own car that runs on human shit.
Chad asked if Howard would get into her if she had a big bush. Howard said he thinks he could get past that. Howard said the bush on cave women was there to catch men. Howard said it must have let out a scent. Howard said there's no reason to catch a stench down there now. Gary said they were reading about how she eats insects because she thinks it's the future of food. Chad said she's a fucking weirdo. Howard said she's willing to shave but only with a solar powered shaver.
Howard said he guarantees she's into Tantric sex and stuff. Howard said she probably hasn't washed her sheets in years like JD. Chad said they trap the odor.
Chad asked if he has seen Mormon porn. Howard said that's not what he's into. He said that's sick.
Howard had a clip of Shailene on the red carpet talking about how she doesn't watch TV. Howard played a clip of her talking about that. She doesn't even have a home. Howard said that she must believe the land belongs to all of us. Howard said that she is so fucked up it's great.
Gary said that her religion is ''the earth'' and she believes in trees. He said there's an herb called mugwort and she burns it and you can sleep on it as a pillow. He said she harvests that. Howard said that's so fucked up. He said she's way past where Robin is at.
Howard had Shailene talking about living in a bird's nest with her family and things like that. Gary said she says she'd be happy being an herbalist or running a fruit stand in Hawaii. Howard played more audio of Shailene talking about how she hasn't had a TV since she was 18. Howard said they have to get her in there. Gary said they have asked her to come in but they have turned them down. He said he thinks it might be her publicists keeping her away from them. Howard said he would interview her even if it's on the phone.
Howard made up what the interview might sound like. He was doing his voice and Shailene's voice. He had her talking about how her life is living in the woods. Her agent is a squirrel. Howard said he's echoing and he has to get that fixed or it's going to make him mental. Robin said no one is hearing it but him. Howard said it's going to make him mental. He said fix this now! Howard said he doesn't want to talk more about Shailene anyway. He said it's ridiculous.
Howard said he lowered Robin's mic and the echo went away. Howard said his big take away from the Emmys was the titty thing. Howard said Jane Fonda was out with Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin. Howard said they're all pulled back but they look good. Howard said Jane is 79 years old. He said she looks good.
Howard said he has to get a hold of Jimmy Kimmel. He said he just placed his bet on this year's Dancing with the Stars. Howard said he wants to get in on that actin. He said Jimmy sent him a note about that. He said he has to get in on it and send Jimmy a check. He said that he sent him this email and told him who he thinks is going to win. Howard said Shailene Woodley just called and she paid in acorns. Howard said that's how she was paid in that movie where she had the tubes in her nose.
Howard said Dice's new show wasn't nominated for an Emmy but that show is good. Gary said he loves that show. He said the show is good. Howard said it's really good. Gary said it's on Showtime. Robin said she has been recording it but hasn't watched this season yet.
Howard said it would be nice to see someone other than that woman from Veep winning Emmys. Howard said he can't get into that show ''Veep.'' He said it's like a sketch that doesn't end. He said he doesn't like it. Howard said he just doesn't get it. He likes Dice's new show. Howard said they don't give him an award.
Howard said that he liked the titties on the Emmys last night. Howard said they wanted people to look at them. Howard said he thought Colbert's sketch where he was on Westworld was pretty funny. He said that was good. Robin said she didn't see that one yet. Howard said it is Colbert's thing to talk about Trump so that's what he did. Howard said if you don't want that then don't get a non-political host. Robin said without Trump he's got nothing.
Howard said there are two schools of thought on Sean Spicer being on the show. Howard said half of the country is livid. Howard said he's in that group. He said he didn't like that. Howard said Spicer lied to this country blatantly. Howard said he said that they had the largest crowd for an inauguration. Howard said the guy was called out on it and denied that he was lying. Howard said it was like when Dennis Rodman told Carmen Electra that the women in his bed she caught him with had just fallen out of the ceiling.
Howard said Sean Spicer destroyed his position in Trump's cabinet. He said that he just lied about it. Howard said he insisted that their crowd was bigger than Obama's. Howard said there was nothing about him on the Emmys. Howard said the wheeled him out like the press secretary last night. Howard said that he didn't really do anything. He said it was all about the gag of getting Sean Spicer. Howard said he didn't do anything. Howard said he wouldn't have invited him there.
Howard said he thought that Alec Baldwn's speech was very good. Howard said he agrees with Alec Baldwin about what he said. He said that they should be proud of what they do. Howard said he loves television so much. He said he's been watching Punisher lately. He said it's an advance copy of the show. Howard said that he has Ted Sarandos' copy of the show. Howard said Alec Baldwin was saying that you think of a song that moved you or something like that when you're dying. Howard said you are going to think of something beautiful. He said that they're making so much great TV and the people who are making it are the people Alec was talking about. Howard said it's an amazing industry. He said his message was a good one.
Robin said she's looking at Shailene Woodley from last night and wondering what she did to her hair to get it so high if she's using natural stuff. Fred said it's deer urine. Robin said she has a lot of eye makeup on too. Howard said her lips are crushed ants and grasshopper spit. Howard said she doesn't believe in killing them so she gets their spit. Howard said when her lips are red it's her period blood that she collects. Howard said that's so hot. He said they have to get her in there.
Howard played more audio of Shailene talking about how she doesn't have time to watch TV and she's not sure how anyone does. She said she's a reader.
Howard had some audio of Miles Teller talking about working with Shailene Woodley. He said she brought her own mason jar of water to lunch with him. He said she was talking about GMOs and stuff like that at their meal. Miles was talking about her hugging a lot and how she gives a ''heart hug'' so your hearts touch. Robin said that a doctor told her that's what you're supposed to do so you get a heart hug. Howard said that doctor is now in a mental institution. Howard said it's a titty hug.
Howard took a call from a guy who was clearing his throat like Gary. He mentioned the ''Orange juice, Boss.'' story. He asked Howard why he doesn't get into Curb Your Enthusiasm. Howard said he hasn't seen it. The caller said he should get into it.
Robin told a Larry David story and Howard said he's just thinking about Shailene Woodley's titties. He said he didn't even hear that story.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what the chances are that she swallows. Howard said it's guaranteed because it's all natural. The caller asked if Beth would get into her too. Howard said she's not into that hippy stuff. Howard said she did make their TV out of twigs and peat moss though. Howard said Beth is just normal. He said she's not kooky like that. Howard said she doesn't care about that horse shit.
Robin said Shailene is into showing off her body. Howard said she's like Daryl Hannah. Howard said she lives in a teepee. Howard said Beth likes electricity, heat and air conditioning. He said she doesn't turn his sperm into glue or anything. Howard said Shailene probably thinks that the sperm is good at breaking up kidney stones or something kooky like that.
Howard went through is notes about the Emmys. He said that he has some clips too. Howard said Colbert was talking about Bill Maher using the N-word and people were talking about that. Howard said Bill Maher must have been upset about that.
Howard said there was a lot of Trump stuff. Howard said Kate McKinnon looked good. He said that they had some kid as the announcer and he sounded like a regular human being. He said that was nice. He said he was saying some funny stuff but it didn't really work. Howard had some audio of that guy introducing some of the winners. Howard said he thought it was a woman at first. He said it turned out to be a dude.
Howard said he likes the new Punisher show. He said the guy who plays him is from The Walking Dead. Howard said they should have more people dying in the show. He said that's his only complaint.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said he wants to remind people that they have Cocktober coming up and if you have any cock stories to tell them contact them. He said that they have a lot of stuff coming up during Cocktober. Howard said they have different bits that they'll be doing. He said they have Cock Jeopardy and Cock horror stories and much more. Howard said this is going to be a thing that all of America will embrace. They went to break after that.
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Robin said he can't think that way. She said that she's not going to be there to meet his needs all the time. Howard said his psychiatrist thinks that he should be happy for her. Howard said they do enough for animals. He said then he has to lose his wife for 4 days. Howard said he was sitting home alone.
Howard said he thought about going out to dinner but he didn't know who to go with. Howard said he thought about getting together with Fred but then he thought about how he sees enough of him. Fred said he was free. Robin said it would have been great if it didn't go well. Howard said he would have been looking at his watch the whole time. Howard asked what they would have talked about. Fred said probably Trump. Howard said he's had it with Trump. He doesn't want to talk about that.
Howard said he didn't spend 5 minutes thinking about Obama. Howard said all he hears about is Trump and what's going on with North Korea and all of that. Howard said he sees Trump flying by his building in a helicopter now.
Howard said he doesn't really want to see anyone. He said he gets into bed around 7 and watches Punisher. He said that's what he'd rather do. He said he was super happy doing that. He said he ate dinner around 4. He said he gets Chinese food. He said he called this place and the woman is nice but it's hard to place an order. Howard said he can't even make his own coffee. Howard said that he asked Beth how much water you put in to make coffee. He said that she said it was heart breaking to read. Howard said that he just wants to know how to do it. Howard said he likes the way Beth makes it. He said that he has Laura there during the week but not on the weekend.
Howard said if he can't take care of himself Monday-Friday then why do they think they can leave him alone on the weekend. Howard said he needs a list of things to do on the weekend.
Howard said he went out and walked on his own and that was lonely. Howard said he doesn't like that. Gary said there's an app that lets you order food without talking to anyone. Howard said he doesn't want to do that.
Howard said he wrote to Beth about the coffee thing. He said then he called and ordered his food from the Chinese restaurant. Howard said he called 3 days in a row. He said they must have made fun of him. He said he's not sure why they have someone who can barely speak English taking his order. Howard said they ask if he's paying cash. Howard said he asks for Shrimp in a brown sauce and he never knows what it's called. He said that she must think he's so lonely calling 3 days in a row. Robin said she's just happy that someone is calling to order food.
Howard said he asks for a broccoli dish that he gets. He said he doesn't know the name of it. He said that he has to go through all of this to place his order. Howard said Beth had to write down how to order through them. Howard said he placed one order where he forgot to say ''order for delivery.'' Howard said he has to remember to say that now. Howard said Beth wrote him the note for how to place the order.
Howard said he asked for the white rice to be left out. Howard said he wanted brown rice. Howard said they asked how many he wanted. He said just one. Howard said she asks him if he wants a small brown rice. He said he's going through this back and forth and she's asking him like he only wants one grain of rice or something. Howard said she keeps repeating it. Howard said she eventually asks him if he wants 3. Howard said he was like ''What?'' Howard said he eventually got the order and it was right. He said he got it in like 3 minutes. He said that was really weird.
Howard said that they must have been cooking it while he was placing his order. He said that's how they get it there so quick. Howard said they should have someone speaking English on the phone taking orders. He said they must outsource it to China. Howard said maybe he called China.
Howard said he hangs up and then dances around like he placed a successful order all by himself. He said that he wondered what the hell happened to him since he can't do anything on his own. Howard said maybe his mother did too much for him. Robin said maybe that's what it is. Robin said he didn't cook. Howard said that's true. He said you would have thought he had just walked on the moon after that. Robin said there's something wrong with that.
Howard said he had to get the money for the guy and he has to ask Beth how to get your own money. Howard asked if he has to take another fucking break. Fred said they do. Howard said he was going to take more phone calls.
Robin said she think that the woman was asking if he wanted 3 different dishes. Howard said maybe that's it. Howard said it was three. He said you don't need a Chinese person answering the phone if you have a Chinese restaurant though. He said they can have someone taking orders who isn't Chinese. Howard said the next night he ordered Salmon. He said those are the only dishes he knows.
Howard played the clip of Cicely Tyson reading and stopping. Howard said he would love to not give a shit like that. Howard said when he'd go on shows he had to fill every second with something. Howard played the clip again and she kept stopping and someone would whisper to her. Then she talked about Roots and got applause. Robin said that was a longer pause than Paul Harvey would give. Howard did his Paul Harvey impression where he'd pause for a few seconds in the middle of a sentence.
Howard said that some people get that. He said that Jimmy Kimmel asked him to come on his show when he's in Brooklyn. Howard said he wasn't going to prepare anything like this Cicely Tyson. Howard said he's just going to go out and not have anything prepared. Howard said he could go out and just say not much is going on. He said he doesn't want to prepare anything for these shows. He said that he would like to just not do that for once. He said they always ask for stories to tell. He said he has to come up with something.
Howard said maybe Cicely Tyson was confused by what she was reading. Howard said she just stands there whispering to her friend. Howard said she just had to read what was in front of her. Howard said it's crazy. He said maybe that's enough of that.
Howard said he saw that Nick Cannon is still wearing that turban. He said he thought he was going to give it up at some point. He said he's sticking with it. Robin said no one is following him but he's going to keep doing it.
Howard said people are selling their Mentadent on Ebay. He read that someone is selling a 2 pack for $39.99. Howard said he could make a killing with his stash. Howard said this guy is asking 40 bucks. Howard said he has to take a quick break and get to more stuff. They went to break after that.
Howard said you buy the phone and then the old phone doesn't have the new Operating System. He said that's not cool. He said those people feel horrible about themselves.
Howard said Robin was asking what it would be like if Caitlyn Jenner called his daughters for advice. Howard said this is what it would sound like. Howard played a bit where fake Caitlyn called Kim Kardashian for advice on how to queef. Caitlyn ended up sharting instead.
Howard said that they found an internet radio show where they can't hang up on callers but they can mute you. Howard wondered why they can't hang up. Howard played the clip and the hosts say they can't hang up but they will mute people. Howard played the clip and the guys were talking and Richard was on saying he could hear them when they muted him. The host was talking about the art of muting and stuff like that. Then the guys had Richard and another guy asking to be unmuted. They told him he was unmuted. They were calling the guy a moron and asked what the fuck his question or comment was.
Howard said that's the future of podcasts. Howard said that's what people are going to be doing. He said that's the kind of shit people will have to listen to. He said he's all for it. He said it'll make it sound like he knows what he's talking about.
Howard said Ronnie has no voice this morning. He said he got in the car with him this morning and he wasn't able to get out a word. He said he must have been out yelling somewhere. Howard said he was out running around at Richard's baby shower. Robin said she heard it was in a bar. Howard said he'll get to that.
Ronnie came in and said he lost his voice after the baby shower thing. He said he was doing a lot of talking and drinking yesterday. He said he was talking over loud people. Howard said that drinking will fuck you up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's too big for TV and he should get out of the Kimmel thing. Howard said he's glad he's saying that. Howard said he's not too big but he's done it all. He said he's done talk show appearances and he doesn't have the desire to be the monkey. The caller said he can say his name to anyone over the age of 18 and they'll know who he is. The caller said ''Crackle, crackle bon fire.'' Howard said he's going to mute him. He said that's something he's into and it makes him nuts. Howard said they want to hear about Ronnie and Richard's baby shower.
Howard said Richard got a new apartment but he got a one bedroom. He said he's having a baby. Ronnie said he can't afford anything bigger. Howard said he should have moved out of the city if he can't afford it. Ronnie said he had to stay because all of the bars he likes are in that area. Howard said he had his baby shower at a bar he goes to. He said people who are fans of Kansas teams go there. Howard said Richard likes to go there because everyone knows his name.
Gary said he, Jason and Will were there. Benjy and JD came and so did Sal and his wife and his other wife Larry Caputo. Howard said that guy is never with his own wife. Howard said Larry goes everywhere with Sal. Gary said sometimes Christine is with him but it's a guarantee that Larry goes with him.
Howard said Sal is a weirdo. Ronnie said he came in with Elvis glasses. Gary said he bought them at a party store. He said that someone had a really normal conversation with Benjy and he was really acting normal.
Howard said he wasn't invited to the shower. Fred said he wasn't either. Howard said he heard that Benjy is wearing shoes without shoe laces because he's a fat guy. Gary said he has to round up some of the guys. Howard said he has to turn up all of the microphones.
Howard said that he heard Benjy was normal at the baby shower. Benjy said he was going to come dressed as a woman. Howard said he has the best looking staff ever. Howard said that's another reason he doesn't want to go on Jimmy's show. He doesn't want people wondering what happened to him. He said he doesn't want to bring his hair person. Gary said it helps because he's more comfortable. Howard said he doesn't want to get hot ironed. He doesn't want to be evaluated. Howard said Jimmy came on the show and he feels he has to do his show.
Howard said you get six minutes on the show and everyone expects fireworks. He said it used to matter to him but not anymore. Gary said it matters to Jimmy so he cares about his friend. Howard said it would have bothered him either way if Jimmy had or hadn't asked him to do his show. Howard said radio is so much better than TV. He said you have to get right to it on TV.
Benjy suggested that he ask for a darkened studio the night he's on. Howard said that's a good idea.
Howard said he likes Colbert and he was funny but not ha-ha funny. He said people were laughing really hard. Howard said he had some good jokes but it wasn't laugh out loud funny.
Gary was coughing and covering it up. The guys said there was phlegm. Richard said he steps in the hallway to clear his throat. Gary said he was in his office and Howard complained about it. Howard said he hears him in the hall. Gary said that he complained about it though. Howard said he should stay in his office.
Ronnie said that it's all Howard's fault because he made Gary self conscious about it. Howard said Gary still gets phlegmy but he does it quietly in there. He said he'll wait until he's talking to someone else and he'll do it quietly. He said he hears it all. He said then he can't hear what anyone else is saying because he's listening to Gary.
Howard said it's like another language at this point. Howard said that he's like a guy in a library with Tourettes.
Howard asked about this baby shower. Gary said it was in a bar and they had it like a Halloween thing. He said it was a good party and they all came in and dropped off baby gifts. Howard asked if they had to pay for the alcohol. Richard said it was a whole package deal. Howard asked what it cost. Richard said it was like $500. Howard asked if that's really what it cost. Richard said it was. He said they brought a lot of stuff themselves. Howard said he heard they had beer and champagne. Howard said Gary brought a flask. Gary said he brought a flask but Ronnie brought a bottle of tequila. Howard said that's a fucked up party. Gary said he should have brought he whole bottle with him. He said everyone was asking for some.
Jason said the whole party was Halloween themed. He said that he's not sure how his wife puts up with it. Richard said the baby is due on Halloween. Gary said they had Halloween sounds playing instead of music. He said Jim McClure noticed that when they walked in and asked ''what the fuck is that?''
Gary said they had party favors of candy like they were trick or treating. Richard said he got a good deal on the food and stuff. Gary said that it had to be at least a $2,000 party. Richard said they brought a lot of their own stuff. Howard asked why the guy didn't just have a keg. Richard said that they had beers there too. Howard said beer is the plural of beer. Benjy and Gary said they think it's actually ''beers.'' Howard said it doesn't sound right to him.
Gary said they had pumpkin beer there. Howard said he should have thought of the other people there and not himself. Howard said you have to think of your guests. Richard said he asked if anyone wanted anything and he'd get it for them. Will said Ronnie had to run out to the liquor store.
Howard asked what Ronnie was yelling about. The guys said he was yelling. Howard said when you yell you lose your voice. Ronnie said he was having fun. He said he went out yesterday too. Howard asked what he was yelling for. Ronnie said he wasn't yelling. He said he went to a brunch on the water with his neighbors yesterday. Howard said he's a busy guy. Ronnie said there's nothing wrong with that.
Howard said Ronnie's voice is shot. Ronnie said he knows. He said it was worse yesterday. Howard said he's on fire.
Howard asked why Robin and Fred weren't invited. Howard asked why he wasn't invited. Richard said he didn't want to bother him. He said they had a certain number they could have and he didn't want to bother a lot of people. He did invite Scott the Engineer and his plumber though. Jason said the owner of the theater he goes to was there. Howard said that's weird. He invited people he shouldn't even know.
Howard asked the guys to turn off the scale because it's distracting him. They turned it off.
Howard asked Sal why he has Larry Caputo with him all the time. Sal said his wife was there too. The guys said that it was her birthday too and he didn't get anything for her. Sal said he did get her a new pocketbook. He said it was a Louis Vuitton. He said that it was like 500 bucks. He said they don't go out to dinner anymore. Jason said that's a lie because he posts pictures all the time where he's out to dinner. Sal said that he doesn't go out that much. He said that he stays home and cooks.
Howard said they had a baby shower that was Halloween themed and it was at his favorite bar. Jason said his wife was there too. He said the whole party was alcohol based. Howard asked if Ronnie was getting trashed. Ronnie said he was. Howard said he's getting too old for that. Ronnie said he was just having a good time. Robin said that's when he gets wound up and loses his voice from yelling.
Howard asked how JD was at the party. The guys said he was very mellow and just hanging out with his girl. Will said it's very weird to see them being all lovey together. He said they say little things to each other. Will said that she tells JD how handsome he is and things like that. He said she's rubbing his back a lot too. Howard said she's sitting next to Will and she says that JD is handsome. Howard said that's wild. Howard said no wonder he's crazy about her. Robin said no wonder he went to Canada on a boat.
Howard asked where they sat at this bar. The guys were all outside at picnic tables. Howard said no wonder JD was sweating. JD said everyone was sweating. Sal said JD's girl also told him he has nice skin. Howard said that's because he doesn't go outside. Benjy said he has a lot of it to. Howard said he has about 3 times as much as he did when he started there.
Howard said JD doesn't need to drink because his girl is so good to him. Gary said he did get loaded. JD said he did have beer. Jason said the beer Richard brought has like triple the alcohol in them than regular beer.
JD said that he doesn't like to bother anyone at parties so he just goes and sits. Jason said that if you don't see JD at a party he's in the back right corner of wherever they're at. Gary said they have a chair in their meeting room that JD sits in every meeting. JD said that's just where it is.
Howard asked what they got for Richard. Gary said he got him a Philadelphia Eagles blanket and stuff. Benjy said he got them a little reindeer outfit for the baby. Jason said he heard that Benjy pissed off Brent's wife. Benjy said he's not sure what happened. He said he may have gotten her name wrong.
Brent came in and said he was at the party. He said Ronnie was fun at the party. He said he was the life of the party. Brent said Benjy was doing a bit where he would make up names for women that who just told them him their names. Brent said Benjy did it three times that he saw. Benjy said that they were all women that he had just met. He wasn't doing a bit. Howard said that pisses them off.
Benjy said someone will come toward them and he will try to introduce them. He said he thought he knew their names. Brent said he kept doing it. Howard said he did that at a Christmas party. Benjy said it's not a bit. He said he swears it's not a bit. Benjy said Brent's wife told him a story about someone named Shannon and he messed up and called Kaitlyn ''Shannon.'' Howard said that Caitlyn screwed up that name for everyone. Brent said his wife spells it with a K though.
Howard said it's weird for Benjy to do that. He said you just talk to people without using their name and don't introduce them if you don't know them that well. Brent said he kept doing it too.
Howard asked if Benjy was by himself. Brent said he was. Ronnie said a lot of guys were solo. He said there was a woman there who was smoking hot. He said it was Richard's wife's friend. Ronnie said they got into a really weird discussion about cocks and stuff. Howard asked how that happens. Ronnie said he doesn't remember. He said he actually asked her if she had ever had a boyfriend with a really big cock. He said she did but it smelled. Ronnie said he asked her if she could handle it and things like that.
Howard said he saw a picture of Ronnie in Vegas smothered in strippers. Howard said it was some photo that the strip club sent. Ronnie said that picture is old. Howard said he loves chicks and all of that but at some point it looks really creepy. Howard said maybe it's time to hang that whole thing up. Ronnie said he doesn't give a shit. Howard said he looks like dirty grandpa. Ronnie said he doesn't care. Howard said he wouldn't be photographed with a bunch of 20 year olds in his lap. Howard said the strippers place themselves all over Ronnie's lap and they look real young. Howard said they're in sexual ecstasy because they're around Ronnie. Howard said you don't want a picture of that.
Howard said every guy likes looking at a beautiful young woman. Howard said you don't want to be photographed with these women around you. He said it doesn't come off well. He said he's not saying the desire isn't there. Howard said the girls can't be into Ronnie. Ronnie said he doesn't give a shit. Howard said the whole thing is dark.
Benjy said that's like trying to convince a retarded person they're retarded. Howard told him not to bring him down his vortex. Howard said every woman they know is creeped out by Ronnie. Brent said the sex tips really weird them out. Howard said that picture was so fucking crazy. Ronnie asked what picture he's talking about. Gary said that he's probably taken like 10 of them like that.
Ronnie said Brent is one to talk about this. He said that he can't talk. He said just leave him the fuck alone. JD said Ronnie wants to be buried under a stripper stage. Ronnie said he was joking about that.
Howard said he knows this is a whole new image for him. Ronnie asked what he's talking about. Robin said she loves that he's arguing about this.
Ronnie said they asked him to say ''Lets fuck some whores'' out in Vegas and he refused to do it. Howard said that's like his stairway to heaven. Fred played clips of Ronnie saying that and ''get rid of these fucking wive shits.'' Fred kept playing ''Lets fuck some whores!'' a bunch of times too.
Ronnie said last time he was hosting a pool party like 4 years ago... Howard didn't let him finish his story. He said Ronnie was wearing a bowler out in Vegas. Ronnie said he planed that whole thing himself. Howard said he had a vest on with a bowler. Howard said that he came up with that outfit. Ronnie said he liked it. He said it was a derby, not a bowler. Howard said you can check it out on HowardStern.com
Howard said Ronnie looks like Mr. Peanut in that bowler. Howard asked if Stephanie came up with that look. Ronnie said no. He said he came up with it and she liked it. He said he asked if she liked it and she said she did. Howard said he looks like Liza Minelli in Cabaret in that bowler.
Fred did his impression of Ronnie while wearing the bowler. Ronnie said he wore that when he hosted the show with Mary Carey.
Howard asked what he was trying to tell about the pool party. Ronnie said he did that ''Lets fuck some whores'' and the Hard Rock got mad at him for some reason. Howard said that he can't be yelling out to people who have their kids there. Ronnie said they got angry about it and this one guy said to him that he should do it this time. He said he didn't do it this time. Howard said he can do it at a party. He said he did it at the Christmas party. Ronnie said he didn't. Gary said he did it during Karaoke.
Howard said that ''Lets fuck some whores'' is his Stairway to Heaven. Ronnie said he retired it.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie out in Vegas with Wolfie. Ronnie said that's a fucking weirdo. He said Stephanie asked Wolfie to come out to dinner but he went to his hotel room and locked himself in his room. He said he heard he sits and reads comic books all the time. He said he's not sure what was going on in that room. He said maybe he had a hooker in his room.
Howard had Wolfie on the phone and he said that was fake news. He said he had enough material and he was at that point. He said he has a full life beyond this. Ronnie said he sits in his room reading comic books. Wolfie said that's not what he was doing in Vegas.
Wolfie said Ronnie wasn't allowed to swear or anything. Ronnie said that's not true. Howard said he has a clip of Ronnie giving this speech. He said he was like serious Ronnie. Ronnie was talking about how he got into Scores with Lonnie Hanover there and he mentioned Howard Stern making Scores famous.
Wolfie said people were asking if Howard was there and if he was coming. Ronnie said he's full of shit.
Howard played more of Ronnie giving his serious speech about strip clubs and stuff. Wolfie said you can hear that no one is listening to what he's saying. He said no one knew who he was. Howard said all of the strippers didn't know who he was. Ronnie said they're like 10 years old so of course they don't know who he is. He said the people who own and run the clubs know who he is.
Howard did his impression of Ronnie giving his speech and talking about Lonnie. Fred got into his Ronnie voice too and told stories about Scores and how they helped get them going.
Wolfie said Ronnie is so funny because he loves strip club owners. He said he's so excited to meet these guys. Ronnie said Wolfie is so full of it. Howard said it's like heroin to Ronnie. Ronnie said they came to him to say hi. He said he didn't go to them. The guys were all goofing on Ronnie doing their impressions of him. Wolfie said that these guys would come over to him and Ronnie knew who they all were. Howard said that one guy was like Dr. Boner or something. Ronnie said Wolfie is making this shit up. He said they all come to him and thank him for supporting the industry.
Ronnie asked Wolfie about chasing around that stripper all night. He said that he's throwing him under the bus and it's bullshit so he's reporting the truth. He said Wolfie is reporting bullshit. Howard asked if Wolfie was chasing around a stripper. Ronnie said he was chasing around some girl who had vampire teeth. Howard said he has audio of Ronnie talking to her. Howard played that and Ronnie claimed that Wolfie had brought him over to her. Ronnie was talking about how beautiful she was. He was saying if he brought Stephanie over there they might disappear into their suite that night.
Howard said he likes the tape of Ronnie talking about this Miss America. He wasn't too thrilled with her. Ronnie said she has the same last name as him. He said her name is Cara Mund. Ronnie said she was up there the other day and he thinks she ran the other way when she saw him. Howard said he thinks he gave her a bad evaluation. Ronnie said they wanted him to but he didn't do it.
Howard asked if Shuli went out there too. Ronnie said it was just this idiot (Wolfie). Gary said Shuli was saying that you can't spend enough time with Ronnie to get information from him. He thinks that Wolfie should have gone to dinner with him. Ronnie said that he should have been there. He said he missed it all. Wolfie said he did record him at the event and didn't go to dinner. Shuli said he wouldn't leave Ronnie's side if he had gone out there. Wolfie said he was following directions. Ronnie said he didn't. Shuli said if he tells you to get away from you then you want to stay close by. Wolfie said he was told how to handle it and he did it. Howard said maybe next time Shuli will go with him.
Howard said he has more audio to play from Vegas. Ronnie said Shuli could have done a better job. He said Stephanie could have done a better job. Howard said they have audio of Wolfie asking Ronnie what kind of car a stripper would be. Ronnie said that's a stupid question. Howard played the clip and Ronnie was talking about her being a really expensive Porsche or something. Ronnie was also talking about how he was holding this girl's ass. Howard asked if he was really holding her ass. Ronnie said his hand was on her hip. Howard said he was holding her ''ass chreeks.''
Ronnie said that Wolfie missed his first day out there. Wolfie said that was scheduling and it had nothing to do with him. He told Howard it was so boring he wouldn't be interested.
Howard asked if Wolfie was really in his room reading comic books. Wolfie said Ronnie is grasping at straws. Ronnie said the guy is a weirdo. Howard said Ronnie was telling him that in the car and asking why he would want to stare at cartoons when he could be staring at twat. Howard did his impression of Ronnie talking about that.
Howard said you have to look at Ronnie's bowler. He said you have to see him dressed up. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Ronnie talking about his new look.
Howard said at the end of the night Ronnie was telling Wolfie about his sex technique. Howard played that clip and Ronnie was talking about how they play and then the big climax comes and they both get off. He said he likes to get a girl to explode with him at the same time. Ronnie said you stare right into their eyes and he has seen their eyes roll back into their heads. Howard said he bets he has. Howard said he bets there was a hot chick standing near by at that point. Wolfie said he was telling that story to a stripper. Ronnie said it was part of the interview with that stripper. Wolfie said he wants to tell everyone his prowess. Ronnie said Wolfie is so full of shit. He said this girl was telling her story also.
Howard said Ronnie went to the convention after that. Ronnie said he spoke at the opening night party. He said the first night that Wolfie wasn't there they gave out some awards at a strip club across the street from the hotel. He said Monday night was the speech. Tuesday was the awards show. The guys goofed on Ronnie about that and talked about how creepy that whole week sounded.
Howard said that Ronnie was telling the stripper the story in that clip. Wolfie said it's like he's putting out bait for them. Ronnie said he's lying through his teeth. He said Wolfie was doing the interview and he was asking the girl the same question he asked him. Howard and Fred were doing impressions of Ronnie talking about the weird sex acts he does. Howard had Ronnie talking about fucking a girl and then killing her and rolling her up in a carpet and dropping her off in the desert.
Shuli said Ronnie thinks Wolfie is weird. Howard said Ronnie went to a convention and they put him in a virtual reality sex machine and Wolfie rubbed Ronnie's nipples. He said Ronnie almost kicked his ass. Howard played that clip and Ronnie was wearing the VR glasses and then Wolfie rubbed his nipples. Ronnie said it felt good. Wolfie said that it was him. Ronnie said if it was him he'd have broken hands. Wolfie actually did it. It wasn't the girl. Wolfie said he loved it too. Ronnie said he is so full of shit. Wolfie said he has pictures of it. He said Jason has them. He said he was thinking of rubbing up against his saggy balls too.
Howard said that Ronnie was with virtual girls now. Ronnie said this guy is such a liar. Wolfie told Jason to show him the picture. Gary said just give them two seconds. They're printing them now.
Howard got the pictures and Ronnie saw them. He asked who was really touching him. Gary said look at where his hands are. Ronnie said look where her hands are. Gary said Ronnie is in denial. Wolfie said that Ronnie has a huge mole on his back. Ronnie said he does not. Shuli went over and felt his back. Ronnie told him to get the hell out of there. Shuli said he got one finger up his ass.
Howard said that Ronnie went to this bikini contest. Ronnie said that was big because they had a $10,000 prize. Wolfie said they didn't want Ronnie up on stage because he offended people the year before. Howard said Ronnie wore a t-shirt with a big skull on it. Howard said he was showing off his tattoos. Howard said Wolfie was fascinated with his legs. Wolfie said his legs are so pale and he has no hair on them at all. Howard asked if he shaves his legs. Ronnie said he has hair on his legs. Wolfie said he looks like a plucked chicken. Ronnie said he doesn't sit in the sun like Wolfie does.
Howard said Ronnie's girl Stephanie was also a judge. Howard said he has some audio of Ronnie doing the judging. Howard played a clip of some guy up on stage with Ronnie. Then they brought out the first group of girls. Ronnie said he was trashed at that point. Howard said those girls are to Ronnie what spinach is like for Popeye. He said it really gets him riled up. Howard said Ronnie hears the number 69 and that gets him going too. Ronnie started laughing when he heard 69. Howard said 12 year old boys also love that number.
Howard played more of Ronnie and this guy on stage and the other guy mentions 69 and Ronnie starts yelling ''Yeah! 69!'' Fred played the Popeye theme music and had Ronnie getting worked up to the number 69.
Howard said Ronnie hasn't even slowed down. He said Ronnie did his bit at the bikini contest where he was yelling at the girls and directing them on what to do. Howard played a clip of Ronnie doing that.
Howard said Ronnie sounds like he's going to have a heart attack during that clip. Howard replayed it and Ronnie was really worked up and yelling.
Howard asked what the fiancee was doing during this. Wolfie said she was doing her job judging the contest. He said Ronnie gets this smirk on his face like he's drunk on pussy. He said it's the funniest thing in the world. Ronnie said it's better than comic books. Howard asked if Ronnie thinks he should have been out there with the strippers. Wolfie said he's a married guy so why would he do that. Ronnie said he has nothing to say about that.
Howard said in the last clip they mention his name. He said that's what he hates about this. He said he doesn't want anything to do with this. The other host mentioned that Ronnie was from the Howard Stern Show. That led to Fred and Howard doing their Ronnie impressions and goofing on him about what he had just done in that clip.
Howard said Wolfie mentioned hurricane Harvey and Ronnie got real serious. Howard played that clip and Ronnie was talking to a stripper and Wolfie asked if she could float out of Houston with those things. Ronnie told him to be serious about that and not joke about it. The guys were all doing impressions of Ronnie goofing on him about the serious comment and making up stuff he could have done after that.
Howard said he thinks Wolfie did a good job. Wolfie asked if he heard the eel story. Howard said he heard that clip. Ronnie said the girl had that eel in her ass. He said that this guy annoys him so much. Howard said he was there to cover him and he covered him. Ronnie said he has this smirk on his face and he's not a nice guy. He said he sees right through it. He said the guy is a fucking weirdo. He said that he won't come out to dinner when he's out there.
Howard said Ronnie was in the car complaining about him. He said Ronnie said he's just fucking weird and he locks himself in his room and won't come out to dinner. Ronnie said it was two nights they asked him to come out. Howard said he was upset that he didn't go out with the teenage runaways. Ronnie said it was dudes they were out to dinner with. Howard said he's joking.
Howard and Fred did their Ronnie impressions while they were talking about that. Howard said it sounds like they were very busy out there. Ronnie said ''please.'' He said Wolfie didn't work hard out there.
Shuli was doing an impression and Ronnie told him to let Fred do it. He said Shuli isn't funny. Howard said he's attacking his comedy now. Ronnie said he's attacking him so he's attacking back. Ronnie was going to bring something up but he held back. Shuli told him to go ahead. Ronnie said he's good. He said he's not going there.
Wolfie said he thought he was being well behaved out there. Howard did more of his impression of Ronnie talking about stuff out in Vegas.
Howard said it sounds like it was a fun trip to Vegas. Wolfie said he had fun. Ronnie said it was fun for him. Ronnie said that Wolfie missed the whole first day. He said he was so out of control because Wolfie wasn't there. Wolfie said he would tell him he was going out to eat and then he was going to bed so he didn't go. Howard said he told Ronnie that maybe the guy was just beat and had enough. Ronnie asked what he'd be beat from. Howard said he gets totally jazzed up around hot chicks. He said maybe Wolfie doesn't do that.
Howard said Ronnie lost his voice and he was yelling and drinking over the weekend. Howard said he was out there on Saturday and then he was out yesterday with friends yelling. Ronnie said he wasn't yelling. Fred played Ronnie yelling about ''69'' out in Vegas. Howard asked who gets that excited about 69. Ronnie said he didn't lose his voice out there. Howard said when you turn 7 you know what 69 is. Howard said that you don't yell about it like that.
Howard asked if the girls were hot at the bikini contest. Ronnie said they were. He said there were over 100 girls there. They played a song parody about Ronnie and all the stuff he yells. Howard said just wait until Ronnie turns 69 years old. Howard said he really has to take a break. He said he hopes it all went well for him out there. Howard let the guys go and did a live commercial read. They went to break after that.
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Howard said Beth got back yesterday from L.A. He said she was out there for 3 or 4 days with the dog awards. He said she's out there saving every animal on the planet. Howard said she told him that she was somewhere and saw Wells from bachelor in Paradise. Howard said he doesn't like him on the show. He doesn't need someone goofing around like that guy does. Howard said he doesn't need someone being goofy and smug. He said he acts like he's better than the contestants. Howard said he was on the show a couple of weeks ago and now he's goofing on everyone.
Howard said he's embarrassed that he likes that show. He said he doesn't need someone reminding him that the contestants are idiots. He said that's his job at home. Howard said he knows if he says something one too many times that Beth is going to catch on that he's into her. He said you say the person isn't that attractive but Beth doesn't know to do that. He said she mentioned Wells a bunch of times. Howard said the guy claims to be a radio DJ but it doesn't say where. Howard said maybe he's not. He said Beth must wonder why he doesn't look like that. He said the guy is just as much of an idiot as the rest of them. He said that he's always cleaning a glass when he's on camera too. He said it's so cliché. Howard said don't make fun of The bachelor. He said the people who watch it are pathetic enough.
Howard said he's not a guy who watches The Bachelor and acts like he's not in Bachelor nation. He said he knows it but he's not going to make a bumper sticker about it. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he's never looked at that Breitbart news thing before. Howard said he was reading some story about how they put a globe next to any Jewish person's name on that site. Howard said that's to signal their readers that it's a Jew. Howard said he has seven globes around his face. Howard said that's the signal that it's a Jew supposedly. Howard said he's never been on the site so he doesn't know. Howard said a friend told him he has 15 globes. Howard said he doesn't read that. He reads the NY Times, the Daily News and the NY Post. He said that's all he has time to read.
Howard said Ralph is on the phone with something to say about Bachelor in Paradise. Howard picked up and Ralph asked about some twins on the show and if they were real or not. Howard said they weren't real. It was a made up thing. Howard said they were trying to create a personality. Ralph said he didn't find the bartender to be funny either. He didn't think he was good looking either. Howard said Beth thinks he was at least in person. Howard quizzed Robin on some Bachelor stuff and Robin said she's behind on her watching. Howard had a bunch of questions for her.
Robin started her news with a story about Kevin Hart issuing an apology to his family. Howard said he's a good guy. He said he just came out and said no one is going to blackmail him and he admitted that he cheated on his wife. Robin said he didn't do all of that. Robin said it wasn't sex tape. Robin said he was with a woman who wasn't his wife and he was being flirtatious. Robin said then you hear the sound of a bed creaking. Howard said he thought it was a sex tape so it's not even that. Robin said he said he made some stupid mistakes. Robin had some audio of Kevin Hart talking about how he has a target on his back and he should be making smart decisions. Kevin said he made a bad error in judgment and he knows he's going to hurt people close to him. Howard asked what happened in the video. Gary said they're saying that it may be a sex tape and they have a photograph of him on a bed with a woman with his hand on her boobs. Robin said the girl spoke to TMZ and she said she wanted to expose him as a cheater. Robin said she said that she wanted to get some money out of him. Robin said she may have asked for as much as $10 million. Howard said that's a crime to do that. Robin said she thinks that the FBI is investigating. Robin said the other thing that made it creepy was that his wife is pregnant.
Robin read a story about this girl Danielle Bregoli who is 14 years old and just signed a deal with a major record label. Robin said she's known as the ''Cash me outside'' girl. Robin had some audio of her on the Dr. Phil show. Robin had her saying her catchphrase. Her mother had to interpret for her.
Howard said that's how he used to talk in Roosevelt. He said he was one of 3 white kids there. He did his impression of how he talked in Roosevelt. He said he had to do that to be accepted. Howard said this girl has it down. Robin said she has some audio of a rap song she did that got her the record deal.
Howard asked if someone put it together or did someone put some clips together. Robin said she recorded it. Howard said it would be crazy if she became a big star. Gary said she had been out about 3 months a couple years ago and she pulled up to this big party and people were taking pictures with her. Howard said that rap song might be the worst he's ever heard. Howard asked where she's from that she speaks like that. JD said he doesn't know but she needs to go away. Robin said her mother speaks perfect English but this girl speaks like that. Robin said it's working for her. She said that a guy at Warner Brothers thinks she's a big star. Howard said she's blacker than Kevin Hart in his apology tape. Howard asked who is blacker than her. He played some audio of the Kevin Hart tape. Howard said that's some language she has. Robin said she's from Boynton Beach, Florida.
Robin read about the In Memorium at the Emmys and said that one of the things that happened was that they put up a picture of Roger Ailes and the audience didn't know what to do. Howard said he was harassing women. Robin said people didn't know how to react to him. Robin said they also point out the omissions from the In Memorium. Robin said they left out Dick Gregory. Howard said he loved Dick Gregory. He said he heard they mentioned Jay Thomas. Robin said Charlie Murphy was also left out. Robin said he did the Chappelle Show and he was in Power on Starz. Howard said he was on the show many times. He said they knew him and you forget they're dead. Robin said they also left out Harry Dean Stanton who just died this week. Robin said they left out another person, Frank Vincent, who just died in the past week. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said they put a montage of her calls on Howard 101 for her birthday yesterday. Robin said that she's going to see him in Brooklyn when he does Kimmel too. Howard hung up on her in the middle of a sentence. Howard said there's no conversation going on there so he has to hang up on her. He wondered how long she speaks after that.
Howard said he called his daughter the other day and he talked for like 5 minutes and it cut off. He said he has no idea what she heard. Howard said he has given up on calling Robin. He said he called her like 5 times and she didn't pick up. Howard said she should try to be more available from now on.
Robin said that JD and his girlfriend have been canoodling out in public. Howard said that's the take away from that Richard Christy baby shower story. Howard said that they were touching each other and the girlfriend was telling him how great his skin is and how handsome he is. Howard said that's what he needs. He said he's so down on the way he looks. Howard said JD is smart and he just accepts that. Howard said he just listens to her. Howard said dreams really do come true in America. Howard said JD's dream came true. JD said he compliments her back when she does that. Howard did some role playing to see what JD would say back to the girlfriend. JD said he compliments her back. Howard did his impression of Ronnie telling him what to say to her. Fred had Ronnie telling JD to tell her that her nipples look like nice, pink buttons. Robin said that Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are like JD and his girlfriend. Howard said Keith might be prettier than Nicole Kidman. He said it's feminine with that look he has. Robin said that Nicole mentioned that she has 2 kids but she actually has 4. Robin said the internet reminded her of that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Emmys and how many non-network shows won awards. Robin said that it seems like many of the big awards go to Netflix, Amazon, Hulu and the cable channels. Robin said the network channels are missing out. Howard asked about This is Us. Robin said she hasn't seen the whole list. Howard asked about Bachelor in Paradise and how many they won. He said it's so good. Robin said ''Oh please.'' Robin had some clips from the Emmys for Howard to play.
Howard took another call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she keeps talking when he hangs up on her. Howard hung up on her again.
Robin had more Emmy award clips to play. They had a clip of the band playing off a guy from ''This is Us'' who just kept talking. Howard said he should do that for Mariann from Brooklyn instead of hanging up. Fred had some music ready to go. Fred told her to call in. Howard said now they want her call.
Robin read about John Oliver's ''Last Week Tonight'' winning a bunch of Emmys. Robin had some audio of John Oliver accepting one. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read more about the Emmys and had more clips for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about the march that the Juggalos had in Washington DC about being labeled as a gang. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Robin said about 1000 people showed up for the march. Howard asked if the FBI did anything. Robin said the FBI didn't do a thing and didn't seem to care. Robin said this can cause problems for fans of the band. Howard said a real gang would get more people to show up. He said he thinks that proves they're not a real gang. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a pro-Trump rally that was going on at the same time the Juggalo thing was going on. Robin said there were a couple hundred Trump supporters out there. Robin said there were maybe 15-20 anti-Trump people out there at the same time. Robin said Trump is in New York this week and she read about what he's up to.
Robin read a story about North Korea sending a missile out over Japan and pictures of Kim Jong Un looking up at the sky while it flew. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about how the United Nations can be better at keeping peace and security.
Robin read about how Rosie O'Donnell's ex-wife Michelle Rounds died of an apparent suicide at home. Robin said Rose put out a statement about how mental illness is a very serious thing. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show with fake Gary the Conqueror announcing they have Marilyn Manson coming in today. They had some Ronnie ''69!'' clips playing too.
Howard said he's obsessed with Millie Bobby Brown. He said she's on Stranger Things on Netflix. Howard said they have a bunch of young kids on the show and Millie Bobby Brown is the girl. He said that he sees her on talk shows and she's such a little lady. He said she answers her questions so perfectly. He said he wishes Trump would take lessons from her. Howard said she can answer about what her vacation is while she's working and things like that. Howard said he was watching the E! red carpet preview. He said Giuliana Rancic has survived over there and he's not sure why that is. He said she just survives over there no matter who is running things. Howard said in radio they just replace people all the time.
Robin said if you don't watch E! then you don't even know who she is. Howard said he's not sure what it is.
Howard said this Millie Bobby Brown is fascinating to him. He said he'll watch her no matter what. He said he's obsessed. He said this time on the red carpet they have eliminated the boys from hanging around her. He said the boys all appear together but not with Millie. Howard said they show up as a group of boys but Millie is nowhere near them.
Robin said Stephen Colbert mentioned Stranger Things and only mentioned her. Howard went into his agent voice and negotiated to have Millie showing up alone on the red carpet. Howard had the agent saying that the boys are going nowhere and Millie is going to be all over the place. Robin asked who he's yelling at. Howard said he's an executive at E!. Howard had the guys going back and forth negotiating on how to get her on the red carpet alone.
Howard had the agent asking why the boys are even at the Emmys. He had the agent saying that Millie is A-list and the boys can't be lumped in with her. He said they can't be interviewed by anyone lesser than Giuliana Rancic. He was giving the questions they can ask Millie as long as she's not around the boys. He said she doesn't even know their names.
Howard had the E! executive talking about how she will be interviewed by Giuliana Rancic and they will keep the time under 2.5 minutes. Howard said the boys can talk to Ross the Intern. Robin was interrupting and Howard's agent guy didn't know who that was on the phone with him.
Robin said Millie is on a roll right now. Robin said that they're not making her any friends by doing this. Howard's agent guy said she has 3 names and those boys don't have them. Robin said all assassins have 3 names too. Howard said he wasn't talking to her.
Howard said Millie does love her co-stars, especially the black one. Howard said he's handling this so Robin can stay out of it. Howard said he's trying to let this agent guy wear himself out.
Howard got back into his agent voice and he was saying that Howard is a pervert for following Millie. The agent said that she's going to be a big star. Howard said he thinks they get it. The agent said that he has to explain show business to these idiots.
Robin was still talking so the agent said he has her name too. He said he's going to look into her and she'll be lucky to work with the other Bobby Brown. Robin asked who he is. the agent said he's Bruce Vilanch's agent. He said he worked with Flipper the dolphin back in the day too. He said he also represents the Khaleesi. He said that he started out with animals and represented Air Bud too. He said he made more scratch than anyone. He said that dog had magic. Robin said that's the problem with animal acts, they don't last long. The agent said he gave up on animals and started out with the Wassup guys. He said they were a pain in the ass. He said they thought they were going to light up the world. He said he told them to come up with another catch phrase but he wasn't able to knock any sense into them.
Robin asked the agent how he got to represent Emilia Clarke. The agent said that he picked her up when she was looking for an agent. He said HBO was looking for someone to act and he recommended her. He said he called her Emilia back then. He said she was doing jack shit back then. The agent said he spoke to people at HBO and he sat her down and asked how she felt showing her titties to dragons. He said she looked at him like he was out of his mind. He said that she can't come there if she's not into that. He said she didn't want to do it so he told her he can't represent her if she doesn't do it.
The agent was talking about the career he's had. He talked more about Air Bud and the book he could write about that. He said the Khaleesi came around eventually. He said that it was this book by George R.R.R. Martin. He said he got rid of an R because it was too ethnic. The agent said he's going to call back the ''Cash me outside'' girl in a minute. He said he may not represent her.
The agent said that Emilia's career is on fire right now. He said he really has to go. Robin said he must be very busy. The agent said he has a meeting with Beetlejuice. He said he heard he's big on the Stern Show.
Howard said he really is fascinated with Millie Bobby Brown. Robin asked if he's following her. Howard said he's not that crazy. Howard said she was on the red carpet and she wasn't appearing with the boys. Howard said now she's on her own. He said she goes on the red carpet and Jimmy Fallon without them. Howard said they have to hurry with the boys because they're going through their awkward stage. Howard said you have to act fast with kids.
Robin said Millie isn't going through that stage. Howard said she's in good shape now but it could go horribly wrong.
Howard took a call from a guy who said one of the boys from Stranger Things was in ''It'' and Millie hasn't done shit. Howard, as the agent, said he doesn't know what he's talking about. The agent said they wanted her to be in ''It'' but she wasn't playing the starring role so he said no. The agent said she's going to be in the new Godzilla. He asked if the caller even knows what the kid's name is in ''It.'' The caller didn't know. The agent said he shut that guy right up.
Howard said that he's sorry the caller had to deal with that guy. Robin said if things turn bad for these people no one is going to take his call. The agent said they'll take his call. He said when he was representing the Wassup boys no one was taking his calls.
Howard kept going with the agent voice. He was talking about how Angelina Jolie is yesterday's toast. He said now it's Millie Bobby Brown. Howard said they aren't fucking around. He said once she grows up she's going to be a dynamo. He said she won't have to be nude. He said they think she'll be good for a C-cup once she grows up. He said she'll have a nice career much like Angelina Jolie without the kookiness. He said they can't get Angelina to stop with the Shamen bullshit. He said that the pope is her religion coach. He said they won't let her go off the ropes. He said that she will only marry A-list. He said she won't be allowed to marry anyone like Lyle Lovett. The agent said that they won't allow that and they told Millie's parents that.
The agent said Millie just turned 13. He said he gave her advice like he gave to everyone else. He said he sat her down and said ''Do not say the N-word and you should be okay.''
Robin said a lot of these show biz kids end up being surrounded by adults and they grow up too fast. The agent told her not to worry about it. Robin said she might end up in rehab by 14. The agent told her to go play with her wind chimes. Robin said she's just telling him he's headed for some trouble.
The agent said Millie just turned 13 and she'll be 18 in 2022 and they're taking offers for her first topless scene now. The agent said that he talked to some people about the films she'll be in and how people will run to the theaters to see her nude. Howard said they'll want to see that girl from Stranger Things. He said that's all in the plan for this woman's career. He said Roman Polanski wants to work with her. He said he's going to do artsy titty in his film. Robin said she's not sure he should be handling her. The agent told her to go sit on a cucumber.
The agent said that freak Mr. Skin is going to put her on the web site. He said that happened to the Khaleesi. He said they're trying to sue that weirdo over that. Robin said you do have to keep her away from the weirdos.
The agent said he really has to go. He told Robin to go name her cat Yoda. Howard said he thinks that's enough of the agent guy. He quickly went right back into it. The agent said he heard that Millie was eating potato chips and she's going to get fat. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said he walked over to see that guy Salman Rushdie. Howard said he was sitting like 2 tables over and he went over to say hello.
Howard said once he had two guys come over to him and tell him that Dina Lohan was there and they wanted him to come over for her birthday. Howard said they wanted him to say happy birthday to her. Howard said he said okay but he's not going to do that. He said he didn't go over to Dina Lohan's table. Howard said if she wants to talk to him then she can come over and say hello. Howard said he wouldn't walk over to Lindsay Lohan's table never mind her mother. Howard said she just gave birth to Lindsay. Howard said the move is to walk over and say hello. Howard said he doesn't generally do that. Howard said he did it once and it tuned out terribly. Howard said he went over to Heath Ledger when he was married to Michelle Williams. Howard said this was pre-Joker. Howard said he figured that she had been on the show so he would go over. Howard said he knew Michelle and went over and they just kept talking. He said he talked about it on the show and he got a call from Heath apologizing. Howard said he got embarrassed about making a big deal about it. Howard said he was shamed in front of this girl he was trying to impress. Howard said Beth should have broken up with him right there.
Howard said that he uses 3 cups of water to 3 scoops of coffee. He said they have their own scoop size so that's why he needs to know from Beth.
Howard said Beth asks him a lot about stuff too. He said she's right here on her phone. Robin asked what he'd do if he didn't get an answer. Howard said he would have called his assistant who makes it during the week.
Howard said he has a friend who wanted to meet him in the city. He said he didn't know where this museum was to meet at. Howard said he asked how to get there. Howard said he was going to have to walk and the guy said he would walk there with him. He said the friend asked if he would know how to get home if he walked him there. Howard said he doesn't know how to get home. He said that he had a guy on Private Parts that would help him with stuff like that. Robin said that was Eli Roth. Howard said they hired him a mom there too. He said this girl Jody had everything he'd need right there with him.
Howard said she had a fan right there with her to fan him when he got hot. Howard said he almost made another movie just to have that experience again. He said he didn't care about the acting, it was the services he liked. Howard said they call it French service. He said they make you do that on the set of a movie. He said that you have to have silver trays walking around serving you. Robin said he was at work. Howard said movies are great and radio is bullshit. Robin said around there they hand him a broom.
Howard said he's really into that Dunkin' Donuts coffee. He said he gets a cup that's in a bigger cup and it won't spill. Gary said it's a medium coffee in a large cup. Howard said he thinks he wants a large coffee. He said he wants a tub full of coffee.
Howard said he got in bed and watched the Emmys and watched the finale of The Strain. Howard said he's done. Robin said she's behind with everything. Howard said they wrapped things up a little too quickly but he loved it. He said that Guillermo del Toro is a genius.
Howard said that he wants to see the movie ''It'' but it might be too scary. He said that some movies have really scared him. He said The Exorcist scared him. Robin said that was a scary one. She said she had a nightmare where she thought she might be possessed.
Robin said he should see the movie ''Mother'' too. Howard said they took Ronnie's voice and mixed it in with clowns and called that woman Donna Corleone with those clips. Howard played the call the guys made using those Ronnie clips. They told Donna they were calling to cheer her up and had the Ronnie clips mixed with clown horn honks and things like that. Donna said this is pathetic fucking shit. She kept hanging up on them when they'd call. They went to break after that.
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Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the agent is related to Johnny Fratto. Howard went back into the agent voice and said he is related. He said his father's, fathers, father was his mother's sister's aunt through marriage. The agent said that Johnny got into his business by representing Eric the Actor. The caller said that is interesting that he got into it. He said that Johnny just published a book posthumously. He said Howard isn't even in it. The agent said he would never throw him under the bus like that. Howard kept going with the agent talking about Johnny and Eric the Actor. He talked about how he represented Derek from Texas but that turned out to be a scam so both he and Johnny were representing Eric.
Howard let the caller go but he was still doing the agent voice. He said he represented Hervé Villechaize and a bunch of little people who played Ewoks in Star Wars. Howard said he really wants to be done with this agent thing. He said that's enough of that. He said you can kill it. Robin said leave them wanting more.
Howard took a call from a guy who just got in a ''Hey now Howard'' and his phone cut out. Howard said maybe that's what all the caller should do.
Howard said another weird thing in the paper is about this guy R. Kelly. He said that he doesn't know his music at all. He said he just knows that he has some sort of sex cult according to the paper. Howard said this is really weird stuff. He asked how they get this going. Howard said there's a woman who describes that when she was 16 Rob Kelly took her virginity. Howard said that this woman says that they had this woman teacher her how to have sex and how to please R. Kelly. Howard read the article and said it's like those porn he watches where they teach the young girls how to have sex.
Howard said this woman was crying while she was telling this story. Howard said that Kelly would slap her in the face when she didn't listen. Robin said she read that he tells the women when they can eat and what they can eat. She said he gets angry when they don't listen.
Howard said he saw Bobo was on the phone and he's grayed out. He said that means he's on the air. Bobo was there. He asked if he saw Steven Tyler wearing some outfit with his girlfriend. Howard said he doesn't know what he's talking about. Bobo explained that Steven was out with a 29 year old girl and he was wearing a white robe. Howard said he has to go. He said he doesn't care about what he's talking about.
Bobo said that Dancing with the Stars started last night. Howard said he blew it. He said Jimmy Kimmel bets on the show and he has a 50 percent winning rate. Howard said Jimmy told him he could bet on it but he's sure it's over now. Robin said he can still bet. Howard said he's not sure what to bet on it. He said it's a whole thing. Bobo told Howard about some of the people on Dancing with the Stars. They played a song parody from Daniel Mendelson about what a dope Bobo is. They went to break right after that.
Howard said that he has so much to do here. He said he wants to get to email and phone calls. Howard took a call from a guy who said this fucking Bobo ruins everything. He said he was talking about R. Kelly and Bobo got him off of that. He said fuck that fucking guy. Howard said he hears him loud and clear.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who wanted to say his agent bit sucks. Howard said he's not sure what happened to him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said over the weekend she got a private phone call and it was her ex-boyfriend having sex with someone else. She asked what he thinks that's all about. Robin asked if she broke up with him. She said she did. Howard said he probably wanted her to think she was missing out on something. Howard said he's still angry with women he broke up with in high school. Howard said it's not very respectful of the woman he was fucking.
Howard asked if she listened in. She said she did. Howard said guys are dumb. He said they think dick pics will turn women on and it's stupid thinking. Howard said guys need a lot of enlightenment. The caller, Sherry, said that he had called her 2 weeks ago too. She said it was just him on the phone not saying anything. Howard said that she could get back at him by blowing a guy and calling him. Howard let her go after that.
Howard read about how Jann Wenner has turned down offers to sell Rolling Stone in the past. He said that he turned down an offer from MTV to merge with them. Howard said Jann says he didn't regret that. Howard said he could have made a fortune. Howard said that you spend 50 years building it and now it's not worth that much. Howard said the magazine is still relevant to him. He said he admires he put that together and kept it going. Howard said he knows he's an old guy and that's why it's relevant to him.
Howard said now the music business is a mess and no one knows what to do with it. Robin said now the music business is about a girl who gave Dr. Phil a hard time. Howard said JD gets all worked up about that girl too.
Howard read some email about Ronnie at the Exotic Awards. Howard had a bunch about that and about how they like it when they don't have guests on the show. Howard read about the outfit Ronnie was wearing out there and what people were saying he looked like. Howard said he should dress like a limo driver. Howard said he liked it when Ronnie was talking about being in the business for 25 years. He was just a customer. Howard read a lot of comments about Ronnie and what he looked like in the picture.
Howard said they went out on the street and showed people the picture. He played some audio and people were talking about how ridiculous he looked in the outfit.
Howard said he's never seen so much email about a picture. He read a few more comments about what he looked like with that derby on his head. Someone said he looks like the lost Marx brother ''Creepo.'' Howard said he likes these comments. He had a ton of jokes about the look.
Howard said thank you for all of the email regarding Ronnie. Howard said he has so many. someone said that outfit is a sure sign of dementia.
Howard said they were speculating that she has a huge bush that goes to her belly button. Howard said they were thinking about her building a barn with no nails. Howard said she makes her own toothpaste too.
Howard took a call from Ralph who he said he was talking to about Shailene. Ralph wondered if Howard could put up with her. Howard said he thinks he could.
Howard played another clip of Shailene talking about why she took the RV out and she was talking fast and talking a lot. Howard said her name is an issue too. They talked about how she has to correct people on the pronunciation of that.
Howard played another clip of Shailene talking. Howard said that you want to just tell her to shut the fuck up. He said he's getting woozy from this. Howard said when he was talking about it yesterday it was kind of hot. He said now that he's listening to her it's a lot to handle. He said he's not sure what she's even saying at this point.
Howard had another clip of Shailene talking about using beets to color her lips. She doesn't use lipstick. Ralph said she's very special. Howard played more of the clip and Shailene was talking about using roasted beets to color her lips.
Howard said she showed up barefoot for a movie premiere. Howard said she made her bra out of coconuts. Howard said she uses them to crack over her head to get rid of migraines.
Howard said he has to hear that one again. He said it's her saying that she isn't into the ''lipstick option.''
Howard said she uses a possum as a tampon. Howard said she doesn't kill them, she just washes them off when she's done. Howard said he's not sure how they missed all of this stuff about her before.
Howard said Shailene was in a movie where she had cancer and the only thing to show she had it was a tube in her nose. Howard said then this other guy has cancer and dies before her. Ralph said he'd watch that movie if she drops dead. Robin let out an ''Ohhh.''
Howard said Jimmy Fallon's eyes are rolling back in his head in this interview. Howard played the clip of her talking about the RV trip. Howard said she lets you know it's a 17 year old motor home because a new one wouldn't be cool. Howard said she's getting in a lot of information in a short story. Howard said she's cramming it all in.
Howard played more of Shailene talking about camping on the side of the road. Howard said they just shit on the ground and don't have a toilet. He said she just wipes her ass on the ground like a dog. Ralph said the most annoying thing about her is that she says she doesn't have time to watch TV. He said she's busy doing all of this other bullshit.
Howard said that she talks about brushing her teeth and swallows the clay. Howard played the clip and Shailene was talking about getting this clay and mixing it to make toothpaste. She said you can swallow it. She said that the baking soda in it is good at whitening your teeth. She was talking about ''oil pulling'' but she said it so fast it was hard to hear what she was saying. Robin knew what that was. Robin said it's a way of detoxifying. Howard said Robin has to make friends with this girl. Howard said it would be great if her teeth just fell out in 5 years. He said that she's probably all clogged up from the clay. Howard said she's awesome.
Howard said he thinks she must fuck like a rabbit. Howard said if she does then you can put up with this stuff. Ralph said no guy is going to last that long with her. Howard said he digs chicks who are fucked up. He said imagine she's sun bathing her vagina and she starts grinding her beets for lipstick. Howard said that would be fun for a little while. Howard said he wouldn't marry her. Howard said it could be interesting. Ralph said yeah, for a day. He said Howard wouldn't be able to take it.
Howard said you know that she thinks semen is good and she grinds her own birth control. Howard said she says weird shit all day and she says she made a bowl from her last bowel movement.
Howard played more of Shailene talking about making the toothpaste from clay and baking soda. Howard cut it off and said it was a short clip. He said he had played it all. She had mentioned the oil pulling. Robin said you don't swallow oil pulling. Howard said she has to get together with her. He said she makes booger tea and stuff. Robin told him to stop it.
Howard said that he just got a note saying Benjy does oil pulling every day and he's the picture of health.
Howard played another clip of Shailene talking at some event and praying. Howard said she's 25 and she's so full of information. Howard played more of the clip and Shailene was talking about praying with her. Then her Native American friend comes up and prays. Howard asked what his name was. The guy said his given name was Thunder Voice Eagle.
Howard said this chick is awesome. Ralph said imagine you show up at this show and this is happening. Howard said she's into this stuff. He said she's right there for this Native American stuff. Robin asked if she told people that she was going to do this. Howard said he has to meet her. Howard said he would pray with her.
Ralph said all he'd have to do is give her some of those key words of oil pulling and mud and you're in. Howard made up a conversation with her and came up with how he'd talk to her. Howard said he would talk about eating grasshoppers and stuff like that. Robin said she read about an insect that has as much protein as meat. Howard said she would be like ''Holy shit.'' Howard said he would throw out words that would get her going. He said he knows just enough to get her going. Howard said you don't need vast knowledge.
Howard said that he would tell her that he doesn't shave his bush because he's into keeping that scent. Howard said he would wear a buffalo skin condom when he bangs her.
Ralph said he wonders what happened to her to make her like that. Howard said he bets she's like a firecracker. Ralph asked how big of a firecracker she could be eating grasshoppers and stuff. Howard said that he really has to go. He said that he has Marilyn Manson coming in. He said he can't wait.
Ralph had some comments about Ronnie and the way he's dressing. He said Stephanie is dressing him and he really has to stick to wearing suits. Howard said he looks good in a suit. He said he's trying to be young and hip and it's not happening. Robin said it looked like a baby outfit that someone would out on a little kid. Ralph said just do one thing and maybe wear the derby. Howard told Ralph to call back later after Marilyn Manson. Howard said Ronnie should just wear the suit. Howard went to break after doing a live commercial read.
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Howard came back and tried to talk to Fred but he wasn't answering. Fred said he didn't hear him very well. Howard said he just saw Justin Timberlake a few weeks ago but he can't remember where.
Howard said he has Marilyn Manson there. He said it's good to see him. Marilyn had to put headphones on and said he was ruining his look. Howard told him the microphone is attached to the headphones. Marilyn said Howard looks great. Howard said he's his first guest in the new couch.
Marilyn had some new glasses for Howard. Howard said he has to put a prescription in them. Howard tried them on. He said he gladly accepts them.
Howard asked where he lives now. Marilyn said he's on the west coast. He said he just finished a video. He said he may have seen it. Howard said he did. Marilyn said he did another video and then flew out to see Howard. He said this is old school. Howard said the music business has changed so much. He said they should just put out singles and not an album. Marilyn said that's what he was saying. He said he has a side A and a side B like the old days.
Howard said MTV used to be so happening. He said he had the best videos and they were frightening. He said some of those videos were wild. He said he thought it was so fucking great. He said Marilyn never cared about appearing to be grotesque. Howard said he created his own beauty. Marilyn said they created their own beauty. He said Howard put a microphone in his hand and he looks great. He said it's the algebra of rock and roll. Marilyn said they used to go to concerts to meet girls. He said he got into a band and he makes music that's attractive. He said women find it attractive and guys are into it because they know they can get laid if they go to concerts. He said guys make metal music and it's not as authentic as the music he grew up making. He said when he met Howard he was very much a gentleman. He said he used to try to get him to hit women in the ass with a sea bass.
Marilyn said Howard did a lot of things that were way over the edge. He said he created a genre that was way out there.
Howard said he wants to go back in history. Howard asked where he grew up. Marilyn said it was Canton, Ohio. Howard said he never thought about being a rock star. Marilyn said he wanted to be a writer. Marilyn said that he went to Canton recently because his dad died. He said Howard met his dad. Howard said his dad was a Vietnam veteran. Marilyn said he was and he had a great relationship with him later in life. He said as a kid he didn't see him much. He said his dad was always working. Howard asked how he was when he came back from Vietnam. Marilyn said he wasn't born yet. He said his dad told him that he had driven cross country to see him about 3 years ago and it was after his mother died. He said his favorite show was Sons of Anarchy. He said he didn't know he was going to get on the show. He said he took care of his parents and that was the reason he got up to do what he does. He said his parents didn't have a retirement fund. Marilyn said his parents took care of him when he started out. Howard said he thought he didn't get along with his mom because she had that Munchausen disease. Marilyn said his mom just didn't want him to leave.
Howard asked why he was beaten up in school. Marilyn said that he had a poem that he wrote in 9th grade and he ended up punching this kid in the face and he won. He said it's the only fight he won. He said that he ended up going to Christian school. He said he got the shit beat out of him back then. He said he really got hurt getting beat up.
Howard asked if he ever wanted to get revenge on those kids. Marilyn said that it was the girls who denied him that he wanted revenge on. He said he only had 12 people in his school at the time. Howard asked if he fucked all of them. Marilyn said he didn't fuck any of them.
Howard asked about he Munchausen thing and Marilyn said he thought he had a lot of things and the doctors said he had none of them. He said he has a heart disorder or murmur. He said he was supposed to be dead by 30. Howard said his mom didn't want him to leave so she told him he was sick so he'd never leave her. Howard said she would call him by his dad's name too. Howard said that had to fuck with his head. Marilyn said that it did. Howard asked if he ever went to a psychiatrist. Marilyn said he went to rehab once.
Howard said that kind of pressure must have been rough on him. Marilyn said that he got bored talking about that stuff in rehab. He said that they'd ask about doing drugs and he'd ask if they can name anyone who got better being off drugs. Marilyn said it would be so great if they had a Cigarette Smokers Anonymous and after they were done they all went outside and drank booze.
Howard asked Marilyn more about his mom and he said he used to sell her speed. He said he was an early starter. Howard asked if his dad ever opened up to him about Vietnam. Marilyn said in the last couple of years he did. He said toward the end he drove cross country in a yellow Corvette. He said that he didn't know he was coming. He said he was watching Apocalypse Now on his wall. Howard asked how often he watches that movie. Marilyn said that he was doing research for ideas. He said he was just watching it.
Howard asked if he could take time and just write everything down. Marilyn said it's hard to sit around him because people look at him and ask what's wrong. He said he's just thinking though.
Howard asked if he's sill depressed. Marilyn said it never really goes away. Howard said he has scars on his chest so he must be suicidal. Marilyn said it's self destructive but not suicidal. Howard asked if he looks back at that guy in the past and wonders if why he did the things he did. Marilyn said he does. He doesn't do it now because he ran out of space to cut himself. Howard asked if he has tattoos. Marilyn said he has a song about tattoos. He said there are a lot of things he did that he didn't intentionally do. He said a lot of the time he lets the unconscious part of him out.
Howard asked if he labors over his music and has to get it just right. Marilyn said he is writing with a guy now who helps. He said he and Twiggy work well together. He said they used to sit just feet apart. Howard cut him off and said he's all over the place changing what they're talking about.
Howard said he's playing Apocalypse Now and he realized that's when his dad opened up about Vietnam. Marilyn said yes. He said his father walked in and the movie was paused on the scene where they pull up to the shrine with the bodies hanging. He said he didn't know his dad was coming. He said he told his dad to stop flaunting his wealth. He said that his dad saw the movie and this brought up things that he remembered from Vietnam. He said that his job was to spray agent orange and cover it up with Napalm. He said that it was difficult for his dad to talk about. He said his job was being really great at killing people. He said that he was trying to tell him that's what his job was. He said maybe he killed a lot of people. He said hopefully not.
Howard said the movie is something that triggered his dad and he opened up about this stuff. Marilyn said he misses his dad. He said he cried when it happened.
Marilyn said that he went to Ohio and he had just finished his record 3 days before. He said he didn't know how ill his dad was. He said he weighed about 90 pounds and he had cancer that he didn't tell him about. He said he didn't want him to get upset about it. Marilyn said he went to find some vodka and his cousin had to go out shopping for him. He said his dad went to get some MRI thing at the hospital and he died in minutes. He said he saw him die and then they brought him back to life. He said that was even more heartbreaking. He said he had the vodka in his bottle an he went to talk to his dad. He said he told his dad his dick looks great. He said he loved that.
Marilyn said that his dad would want him to tell this story. He said his cousin is a male nurse and they had to pull the plug. He said his dad was holding his dick when they pulled the plug. He said he wasn't able to hold his dad's hand because of that. Marilyn said that he went out with his dick in his hand.
Marilyn asked why Howard has a show so early in the morning. Howard asked if he's drinking Vodka. Marilyn said it's water. He said he's not doing coke at this moment either. Howard asked if he could do it and leave it. Marilyn said he has a very balanced life. He said he does Pilates now. He said he does it in his house. He said he has a trainer who helps him out with that.
Howard asked if he slept at all last night. Marilyn said he just flew in and got in at about 5:30 this morning. He said he has to get 8 hours of sleep when he's performing.
Howard asked Marilyn about going to different schools and then going to college for a short time. Marilyn said it was 2 months. Howard said he tried doing a bunch of things before the music thing. Marilyn said he was writing and he was almost doing a scientific experiment.
Howard said he came up with the character of Marilyn Manson. Marilyn said he just woke up and he took a little time to comb his hair this morning. Howard said when he met him he was wearing latex underpants on the outside of his clothes and stuff. Howard said people were asking who the fuck is this guy. Howard said that you get a lot of shit for dressing like that 24/7. Marilyn said no one wants to walk around in latex for that long. Marilyn said he is sore from doing two videos. He said he was tussling in the videos. He said he did both with his friend Johnny Depp. He said they have matching back tattoos so they're close. He said they got them together. Howard asked what he has on his back. Marilyn said it's the cover of a book with a tree and a skeleton. Howard said Johnny has the same thing. Marilyn said that they both have that and this ''No reason'' tattoo that they got for no reason.
Marilyn said that he was wrestling in the videos with Johnny and he thinks he took him. Howard said he's a much bigger guy. Marilyn said he doesn't want to spoil the video but Johnny is the white king and he's the black king and he took him.
Howard asked if they hang at their houses. Marilyn said that he usually goes to Johnny's house. He said they hang and listen to music, make music and watch movies. He said it's every woman's nightmare. Howard said he wouldn't want Johnny around when he's trying to pick up girls. Marilyn said he is a very good looking guy. Howard asked if they pick up girls together. Marilyn said they don't even know how to tie their own shoes.
Howard said he knows what he's talking about. He said he wasn't able to make his own coffee when Beth was away.
Marilyn said that he felt like he had scared Howard off from him. He said that they never gave numbers to each other. Howard said cell phones didn't exist at the time. Marilyn said that he's had a bunch of big changes in his life over the past few years. He said he met Tyler Bates and he brought out some stuff that got him going with the music. He said he became friends with guys more too. He said it fills in a gap that you have to fill in with a relationship with women. Howard said he thinks he wants too much from Beth. Robin said that's what she was trying to explain to him yesterday. Howard said that's what he puts on women. He said it's kind of healthy to have a guy friend like Johnny. Marilyn said he and Billy Corgan did the Private Parts thing and they became friends. He said he watched the fight with him and they all have kids now. Howard asked if he ever wanted to be a dad. Marilyn said he thinks he could be a great dad in some world. He said Lily Rose Depp is his god daughter. He said Johnny has some great kids. He said his life has so much going on and his kids grew up amazing. Marilyn said he's not opposed to the concept of it. He said it might not be fair to bring a child into this world this week or this year. He said he's going to be gone. Howard said he didn't mean right away.
Howard asked if Marilyn ever thought about getting serious about a relationship. Marilyn said that he didn't really love Rose McGowan. Howard said he thought he was cool with her. Marilyn said he did love Dita Von Teese and married her. He said he can't be easy to live with. He said he eats the same thing every day. He said normally he has fruit and turkey. He said he has people who put food in his mouth. He said that he has people whose job is to make sure he does his job.
Marilyn said he doesn't need a variation in his food. He said it applies to women and his music too. He said he wanted to go back to making the music he liked.
Marilyn said he and Howard never had to be something they weren't. He said they have a job to do as artists. He said that Howard gets people to listen to him and that's an art.
Howard asked if Marilyn has ever had a love that lasted. He said with Dita it lasted 5 years. Marilyn said he's not sure how to explain that. He said there are things he might think he could have done differently or better. He said you just have to be a better person. He said he had to be better at being him. Howard asked if he's in love now. Marilyn said it's complicated. He said he has a lot going on in his life.
Howard asked if there are multiple women in his life and they think it's them. Marilyn said that people might misinterpret what he says. He said once he's attached to someone he's very caring. He said that he doesn't have any family other than cousins and people like that. He said that he has no blood relatives.
Howard said Marilyn is very cool. He said his dad driving in a yellow Corvette is offensive to him. Howard asked what's cool to him. Marilyn said he had a Jaguar that his assistant wrecked. Howard said he's a guy who could drive. Marilyn said it seems like a bad idea. He said he doesn't have a license. He said he did have one and only got into one accident. He said it wasn't his fault. He said a pick up truck full of yard workers crashed into him and he was on his way to a photo shoot so he was dressed in full gear. He said he was pulling out of his driveway. He said he had gold leather pants on. He said they didn't speak English very well and they didn't have insurance. He said they didn't do too much damage to his car though.
Howard asked if people around him try to be cool. Marilyn said that there are some like that. He said he tries to stick around people who are there for you when you need them. He said he did Sons of Anarchy and he was doing scenes with Charlie Hunam. He said he didn't know that his father had died. He said he's really sensitive and he hadn't had that many conversations with him. He said he was playing the head of the Aryan Nation on the show. He said ''No offense'' to Robin. Robin laughed. Marilyn said he and Charlie became friends on the set because his father was going in for surgery and everyone was rallying around him. He said they had done the show for 7 years so they were tight. He said they came over to his house on their bikes. He said he could hear them from miles away.
Howard said he has to clear something up for him. He said his impression of his career is that he met Trent Reznor early on in his career. He said Trent loved him so much as an artist and they both were on the same wavelength. Howard said Trent was his co-producer on his first alum. Howard played some of the music from that album like ''The Beautiful People.'' Howard said this song is so fucking awesome. Marilyn said he wrote this in a hotel room with Twiggy.
Howard asked if they had a falling out after that. Marilyn said he and Trent did have a falling out. He said that they were staying in this place and they were very close. He said Trent was a great producer. He said he made that album happen. He said Trent fought for him. He said he and Trent have made up since then. He said that they were like brothers and they loaned each other their clothes. Howard said Trent was like the silent partner in that. Marilyn said they were in New Orleans and they had a falling out over a drug related thing. Marilyn said they were all on drugs at the time. He said that Trent came to him and said they had to stop doing drugs. He said he stopped the next day and then things changed and then the guys started calling him names. He said that he stopped speaking to Trent after that. He said they had the album on a hard drive and on tape. He said he got kicked out and Trent smashed the hard drive. He said he thought the master for Antichrist Superstar was gone because of that. He said later on the discovered that they had a master on tape. He said that they met one more time when Trent wrote ''Star Fuckers Incorporated.'' He said that was about him. Marilyn said he met with Trent and he thought they had made amends. He said he still had this anger toward Trent over that master. He said then they ran into Tyler Bates and he told him that Trent had the masters still. He said that made him very happy. He said the anger was gone. He didn't care about the name calling. He said he was just angry about him destroying something he created.
Howard said they went on tour together. Marilyn said that they might have had a threesome together. He said he's just saying maybe they did. Howard asked if it's gay to share a woman with a guy. Marilyn said he doesn't think so. He said he may have walked out of the situation if it happened. He said that it's more like a gang bang if there's more than one guy. He said he doesn't like threesome's that much. He said he had a conversation with his ex-wife after 10 years and they were talking about the stuff they used to do. He said he got stuck with a dud when she brought back the other girls. He said that she got mad at him for not staring at her while he was making out with the other girl. He said that it was actually a foursome and he didn't realize it. He said it's just too much.
Howard said sometimes being a rock star can be a drag. Marilyn said it can be but Howard doesn't need to be jealous because he's a big radio star.
Howard said he wants to mention another favorite of his. He played his version of ''Sweet Dreams'' and said that's such a great song. Howard said he likes The Dope Show too. He played some of that. Marilyn said they told a story once about Rose's ass. Howard said she was almost naked at that award show she went to. Marilyn said that they returned it after that. Howard said he still thinks about that dress. Marilyn said he had his ass out too that show. He said MTV never replays that one. Marilyn showed Howard that his ass looks okay now.
Howard said the new album is called Heaven Upside Down and it's coming out October 6th. Howard asked how long he worked on it. Marilyn said it was going to come out in February but due to things with his father and stuff that Tyler was working on Guardians of the Galaxy so it was delayed a bit.
Howard asked Marilyn how he writes songs with this Tyler guy. Marilyn told Howard how it works for him. He said he has 10-20 notebooks with stuff written in them. He said he and Tyler wrote this together. He said Tyler can read the lyrics in his book and he will come up with stuff. He said he's looking at the lyrics like it was a film and he's making the sentiment in melodies. He said it's a different process than he's ever experienced. He said he's a genius. Howard said he tires to write songs with Fred and they never come up with anything. Marilyn said it's a very intimate relationship that he's never had with anyone else.
Marilyn said the vocal takes were first takes and then Tyler would build on it. He said he thinks he scores his words. He said that he actually speaks the score. Marilyn said his voice has an element to it. He said you can't autotune his voice. He said they want to but they can't do it. He said a mixer told him they can't do it to him.
Hard said he has to hear this album. Howard said he's going to play ''We Know Where You Fucking Live.'' Howard asked what that's about. Marilyn said people know where he lives. He said the song is more about freedom of speech and how it doesn't come with a dental plan. He said you can say whatever you want on the internet but he doesn't read that stuff. Howard said he should follow him. Marilyn said he follows everyone. He said he follows K-Mart and that confuses people. He said he likes that chaos.
Howard played the song ''We Know Where You Fucking Live'' from the new album Heaven Upside Down. Marilyn said it was the first song they wrote for this album. Howard listened to it for a short time and said he's liking it. Howard said it's weird listening to his music and staring at him. Howard asked if they should be doing that. Marilyn said this is the first song they're releasing. He said that he was very specific with pronouns on this song. He said that he's being very specific in the song. Howard played more of the song and said that's out there. He said he likes it. He said he's going to follow Marilyn too.
Marilyn said that in the past they did weird interviews. He said he was very taciturn. Howard asked why he has two phones. Marilyn said one is a burner phone. Howard asked if he has any naked chicks on there. Marilyn said he has plenty on there. Howard asked if he takes pictures of girls he's with. Marilyn said he's not answering but yes.
Marilyn showed Howard a text he had from Justin Bieber. He was asking about an article and why he said what he did about him. Marilyn said he wrote back ''Words.'' Howard asked what this is about. Marilyn said that Justin wore a shirt with his picture on the front and it had ''Bieber'' on the back. He said he met him and then Justin got upset about something he said about him in an article. Howard read the text again and tried to figure out what was going on. Howard said he wrote back and said he was just being himself. He said Marilyn wrote back that they were cool and they could do something. Howard said Marilyn wrote that they asked if Justin was an asshole and he said he just agreed.
Howard asked if he likes Justin or not and if he's an asshole. Marilyn said that he sassed him and apologized and that's all it was. He said he's cool with him.
Marilyn told Howard that he was making this video with the nuns in it. He said September 15th was the day Dope Show came out. He said they were shooting the video and he asked if it was racist to have a black girl wearing shoes to fuck with a guy. He said he ended up showing a shadow of his dick to this guy and you can see the shadow of his dick in the video.
Howard said he's all over the place. Howard asked if he likes Justin Bieber. Marilyn said he thinks that he's in some crazy cult or something. He said Justin just canceled a bunch of gigs. Howard asked what's up with the Bieber thing. Marilyn said Justin just sassed him by saying he was making him relevant again by wearing his picture on his shirt. He said he wasn't really mad at him. He said he was asked about it and he answered in a way that may have upset some people. Howard asked if he likes him. Marilyn said he doesn't like his music but he does like him as a person.
Howard gave Marilyn some plugs and said you can find tour dates on MarilynManson.com. Marilyn showed Howard a picture of a girl's ass and asked if it looked hot. Howard said it does. Marilyn said that's his ass. Howard asked him to never do that to him again.
Howard asked if Johnny Depp is out of money like reports say he is. Marilyn said he's never going to be broken. He said that he's doing fine. Howard said he might have to hang with them. Marilyn said they're all part of the Depp Show. Howard asked why Bieber gets the burner phone number. Howard said he better give him the real phone number. Howard said he'll get it and never use it. He said that he never talks to anyone.
Howard asked what they can tell this Justin Bieber kid on the phone. Marilyn said that he can tell him he did make him relevant again. Howard said Bill O'Reilly tried to do that with him. He said he was going to give him 5 minutes on his show every week. Marilyn asked if he ever saw him on Bill O'Reilly. He said he handed him his ass on that show. He said he used to respect that show but he gave him such a hard time about his look. He said he lost respect for him when he did that.
Howard gave Marilyn more plugs and started to wrap up. Marilyn said if you ask a girl if she likes the movie ''Secretary'' and she says yes. That's a red flag. He said if a girl asks to be hit on the first date that's a red flag too. He said that a little spank is okay but face hitting isn't right. Howard said he's a lover so he doesn't do that stuff.
Howard wrapped up and figured out what they learned today. Marilyn said Howard is still handsome. Howard said they learned Marilyn has a tight ass now. He said he has the tightest ass he's ever seen on a dude. Howard said he looks better than Johnny Depp in that photo of the two of them he showed. Marilyn said that's a mic dropper.
Howard said he hopes he gets the non-burner phone number. He said he will be disappointed even if he gets the right number. He said he won't call him. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard asked if Robin went to the can. Robin said she did. She said that was a long interview. Robin said she went to relieve the water. Howard said she pished. Howard said she's triumphant.
Howard said that Marilyn Manson is up to a lot. Robin said he was talking about how he was collaborating and they need a camera there. Robin said he should get into reality TV. Robin said he's high maintenance. Robin said she's not sure how Johnny and Marilyn get together being so high maintenance.
Howard said he was saying goodbye to Marilyn and he used that name. He said Marilyn said he needs a nickname for him. He said that he'd use Johnny's name for him and he said Johnny never calls him by any name.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was a great interview. He said it was amazing. Howard said it was fun to have him there. He said he hasn't seen him in years.
Howard said he had a lot to get to today but they'll have to do it tomorrow. Howard said they have to get to news. Howard said he was thinking back to when Marilyn was dating Rose McGowan and how hot she was. He said he was in a club with them one time and Marilyn was rubbing his leg. He said he thinks there was an implication of a 3 way. Howard said he would have loved to have been with Rose but not with another guy.
Howard said he was talking about Mentadent with Gary yesterday and he has a bunch of tubes of the stuff in his house. Howard said he has 17 Mentadents and he's going to give Gary one or two. Robin said she stopped using it because you could never get the stuff to come out evenly. Howard said that is a problem. He said he stuck with it all these years but now it's been discontinued.
Howard said he was reading about FOX News and he has stopped watching them. He said he's watching MSNBC now. He said he enjoys watching the opposition news and they're on fire. Howard said that's way more exciting to watch than FOX. He said FOX used to be anti-Obama and it was fun to watch. He said he likes hearing the opposition.
Howard said he was also enamored with the ladies on FOX but that wasn't enough to keep him tuned in. Howard said MSNBC has one that's really attractive. Her last name is Tur. Gary said it's Katie Tur. Howard said she's very hot. Howard said he's sure she was called ''Turd'' in school. He said that she was probably like Turkowitz or something. Howard said she must be Jewish. Howard said he doesn't like guys who change their names. He said he knows guys who do that in radio.
Howard spent some time talking about Katie Tur and then got Ralph on the phone. Howard said Ralph makes fun of him for making up stories about seeing a girl doing the NY Times crossword puzzle. Ralph said the girls are supposed to be dopey. He said that you just go back to sleep. Howard said that he'd want her to talk about DACA or something. Ralph said you don't need to learn it from her. Howard said he can't get a sense of her body on MSNBC. He said they don't have a short skirt policy over there. Robin said there's another story about how one of the news anchors at FOX was forced into a relationship. Howard said he's not sure how that happens.
Ralph said that Marilyn had some great things he said during that interview. He said he mentioned that you never make a beat that can confuse strippers. Howard said he has to go back and listen to the interview. He said there was a lot of gold in them hills. He said he just has to mine for them.
Ralph said he had some funny comments about Bieber too. Howard asked what he meant when he said he had a shadow dick. Robin said they somehow incorporated a shadow of his dick in the video. Ralph said he thins he has a big dick and it leaves a shadow.
Robin said that Wendy Williams was saying that someone said that David Spade has a big one. Howard said Heather Locklear said he has a big one. Howard said good for David.
Howard said his dick is like a vampire. He said he has no shadow at all. Howard said he'll have Ralph talk to Ronnie about his outfit another day. Ralph said that's evergreen so he can do it another time.
Howard said they seem to be determined to give shows a name at FOX News. He said that Laura Ingram is starting there and they're calling it the Ingram Angle. He said that's so fucking lame. He said it's the same angle that they hear all day long but it's going to be her unique angle. He said that's his problem with them. Howard said that she's now ''The angle.'' Howard said just call it the Laura Ingram Show. He said they don't need these names like that.
Howard said they went out on the street and asked some Bill O'Reilly fans if they were upset with FOX for firing him. They found some women who didn't care what he did and they were upset with FOX for firing him.
Howard said that they don't know anything. He said they were going off on Bill Clinton about what he did in office. Gary said Bill was on the Today show today and Bill was saying that he is going to sue and more will come out soon. Robin said he's been saying that this will all get straightened out. He just can't talk about it yet. Howard played more interviews that the guys did with these Bill O'Reilly fans. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard read some email about the Cash Me Outside girl where the person asked them to stop giving her air time.
Robin started her news with a story about Jedediah Bila leaving The View. Howard said he had no idea who she was. He said he read about her leaving and he didn't know she was even on the show. Robin said she was very tough on Hillary Clinton according to Page Six. Robin said she referred to Hillary as being tone deaf and things like that so they asked her to leave. Robin said they're hoping that Hillary will return to the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a vet and Kim Jong Un scares the shit out of him. He asked if Trump gets us involved in a war is he going to be able to sleep at night and if he saw this on the table when he ran. Howard said he doesn't think he saw this at all. He said there's a lot to deal with there. He said that Kim Jong Un is a hot head. He said he can see this shit going down. Robin said they say that his real agenda is to sell nuclear weapons to other people. Robin said the U.S. doesn't want that to happen. Howard said that Trump said he wants to see the total annihilation of the country and you can't do that. Howard said that you end up looking wimpy. Howard said he is nervous for a lot of reasons.
The caller said he would think that they would attack cities like New York. He asked if he should be worried. Howard said the whole thing has been heightened and elevated with Trump. Robin said they used to handle it diplomatically. Robin said that they did do a test to show they can knock a missile out of the sky. Robin said we're hoping we can do that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about A-Rod and J-Lo going more high profile. Howard said they're looking for a place together. Howard said he wants to say he feels bad for her but she has been so dicky to him. Howard said she looks at him like she just smelled dog shit. Howard said her track record with dudes isn't so great. Howard said A-Rod is a real player. He said he's good for a year or two. Howard said the guy is on one big party train. Howard said she's blind when it comes to love. Howard said she has kids and a whole posse now. Robin said they keep writing that the kids are on board. Howard asked what choice they have? Robin said they have to move on. Howard said go get an apartment together, who cares?
Robin read a story about Patty Schimmel who was a drummer for the band Hole. Robin said she ended up being a prostitute for drugs. Howard asked what you'd have to pay to get her. Robin said she's not sure.
Howard took a call from Michael Rapaport who went off on Marilyn Manson and why he didn't do an acoustic set in the studio. Howard asked why he has a bug up his ass about him. Michael said he had to bring up that Bieber thing long after the fact. Howard said that you don't walk up to a guy like Marilyn Manson and tell him you made him relevant again. He said that's cold. Michael said that he should have said that stuff to his face. Howard said he wasn't there so he doesn't know that he didn't. Michael said he sounds like an old librarian saying that he ''sassed'' him. He said he's a fake ghoul mother fucker. Robin asked why he's getting into it with Marilyn Manson. Michael said he wouldn't be able to pick him out of a line up if he wasn't in that costume. Howard said Michael talks shit about people all the time. He said he knows he'd be pissed if someone did that to him. Michael said he's just a clown. He said Justin Bieber can't even make him relevant now with the help of Katy Perry.
Howard said that Marilyn Manson is an artist. He said his videos are great. Michael said he's got no show without all of that nonsense he has in his shows. Howard said Michael is in first place in the fantasy football league there. Robin said he always is but not for the whole season. Michael said he beat Jason's ass the other day. Howard said he loves that whole fantasy football thing. Howard moved on and let Michael go a short time later.
Howard said he thinks Michael is upset because he can't sleep in his apartment anymore. He said that he has a construction job next to his apartment building and he saw a video of him yelling at the construction guys. Howard played a clip he had of Michael going off on them about the 25 years of construction that's been going on.
Howard said that if you live in New York City you know you're going to hear construction. Howard said he hears it in his apartment but there is an end to it. Howard said he thinks Michael is ragged out from this. He said he was in the movies and he has to deal with this shit. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he saw Edie Falco on the Emmys and she looked like a different person. He said she looks like she had something done. Robin said she was looking at Lily Tomlin and she must have a lot of fillers. Howard said he was told that everyone in Hollywood has had some kind of work done.
Howard took a call from Ralph who straightened out Michael Rapaport about the Justin Bieber story. He said Marilyn didn't bad mouth the kid. He was interviewed and asked about the kid and he mentioned him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Michael is a washed up has been. He said he's just going off on Marilyn for the sake of it. Howard said there's a lot gong on with this. He said it's a hot bed. He said he never would have thought that Michael Rapaport would be fighting with Marilyn Manson over Justin Bieber when he left for work this morning.
Robin read more about this Patty Schimmel who has written a book about her life experiences. Robin said she wrote about being a hooker and the advice she got.
Robin read a story about hurricane Irma and how the death toll in Florida is up to 34. Fred kept playing Ronnie saying ''69!'' over and over. Robin kept saying it's only 34.
Robin read a story about the storm Jose that's heading up the coast today. Robin said it will bring wind and rain to the area this week. Howard said it's weird that there are so many hurricanes going on. He said you get weary. He said he's not even following Jose. Robin said Maria is on the way too. Howard said he's following Jose under protest. Robin said that Maria is following the same path that Irma did. Robin said that Maria may miss Florida.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression and saying Happy ''Noine nointeen.'' He was listening to some Debbie Gibson since she's on Dancing with the Stars. He was clearing his throat a lot too. Howard let him go not too long into the call.
Robin read about how the pope is praying for our leaders because he's worried about what's going on in the world. Howard said actions would be better than prayers.
Robin read a story about President Trump meeting with people yesterday at the United Nations. Robin had some clips of Trump speaking.
Robin read a story about Nancy Pelosi trying to talk about something but being shouted down. Robin said she eventually just left. Robin had some audio.
Robin read a story about the most dangerous celebrities to search on the internet. Robin said the top most dangerous is Avril Levigne. Robin said there are all kinds of hacks and malware attached to her name on the internet. Howard said he has searched her recently. Howard said he's not sure where her career is at but he did search her recently. Robin read about how McAfee software did this research. Robin said Bruno Mars and Carly Rae Jepsen are up there near the top too.
Robin read a story about an earthquake in California and she had some audio of a news team that was on the air when it happened. Robin said they actually felt it enough to talk about it on the air. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard started the show talking about Ronnie's ''69!'' clip and how it's his new thing. Howard said he always comes up with something new. Fred played the 69 clip a bunch of times.
Howard said he had some weird dreams last night that he doesn't want to get into. He said he's saving them for his therapist. He said he's tired today because of that. Howard said he's not going to tell Robin about it. Robin wondered if that was a rule for him and his dreams. Howard said she's probably thinking they were gay dreams.
Howard said he was watching TV before bed and he can't turn it off. He said he loves television so much. He said he really liked what Alec Baldwin said about making TV at the Emmys. He said he's not sure what he would do without TV. He said it would be a nightmare if he had to read a book. Howard said he is reading that Hitler book. Robin said he doesn't read things that give him the kind of entertainment that TV does. Howard said he doesn't like made up stories. He said he likes made up stories on TV but not reading them.
Howard said he turned on the TV and he saw Wheel of Fortune. He said Pat Sajak has a full head of hair. He said the guy has to be 70. Gary said he turned 70 last October. Howard asked who he thinks he's kidding. Howard said people think he dyes his hair but he really doesn't. Howard said he has dark hair but there is more and more gray in there. He said he was thinking about it and he doesn't want to color it. He said it's very feminine. He said he removed his ear rings because of that. He said he's 3 pounds lighter without them. Howard said Beth told him it was time. He said she was right. He felt better about himself. Howard said the ear rings were looking dopey. He said you get to a certain age and it's over.
Howard said he used to have that rock star look but that's kind of gone. Robin said some guys are stuck in their look from those years. Howard said he hasn't had those years. He said he was looking at his wife the other night and he wished that he could be good looking. He said it must be fantastic. He said people think you're attractive. He said little kids like Beth immediately. He said that she's like a Barbie or a princess. He said it's so great. He said she thinks she's disgusting looking which is great. He said he thinks that's why he got her. Howard said if she knew how good looking she was she'd never be with him.
Howard said they know lots of good looking women who go after young, hunky guys and they're never happy because they can't live up. He said that Beth looks fantastic next to him. He said someone said he doesn't know how he got her. Howard said he was pissed at first but then he was like ''I don't either.'' Howard said the guy said it doesn't make sense. Robin said they say that a woman married to a man more attractive than she is will be more insecure. Howard said they know women who are dating younger guys and they're really good looking and they're never secure. Howard said they love fucking young guys. Howard said he just saw Heidi Klum just broke up. He said the fact that it lasted 3 years is shocking. Howard said when he joined America's Got Talent he thought Heidi wanted to fuck him. He said she was on the loose after breaking up with Seal. Howard said he got a vibe from her. He said maybe she was just being friendly.
Howard said if he was single he would have fucked her. He said it would have been a big mistake. He said he'd have to go to the show and work with her though. He said that accent and her singing was something he's glad he didn't get stuck with.
Howard said Heidi went to the after party at his 60th birthday bash and met this guy Vito. Howard said he didn't even know about the after party.
Howard said this guy Simon Cowell was after his job when he was there at America's Got Talent. Howard said he bets he would have fucked Heidi. He said you have to watch that guy. He said he has a new song called ''Fuck Your Wife.'' He played the parody that the guys did with a fake Simon.
Howard said Simon was desperate to get back on American TV. He said Simon is on the phone. He took the call from the guys in the back who had clips of fake Simon that they were playing. Fake Simon was asking Robin if she wanted to fuck him. He said he can't do it until she marries one of his best friends. Fake Simon told Howard he's a wig wearing asshole and the guys played it a couple of times. Howard told them to go make more drops.
Howard said he has socialized with Heidi and Vito. He said she's a sweet woman but she's making a big error there. Howard said that's what he told his wife. Howard said she was fucking this guy in his 20s. He said she's in her 40s. He said she's going to feel bad about herself. Howard said she needs an older, ugly guy like him. Howard said Ralph thought that she was flirting with him too. He said that he likes to have a complete madman as a voice of reality around him. Howard said Gary asked what Ralph does all day and he really has no idea.
Howard said he's not sure who Heidi is going to team up with next. He said she has like 4 kids with Seal and some other kid. Howard said she has a bunch. Howard said he never could figure out how many she had. He said Mel B has a bunch too and he was never able to figure it out. He said Mel had her kids on set and it was so annoying. Howard said the kids would get in his chair. Robin said it looked like United Nations over there. Howard said it was like he was working with Octomom.
Howard said there was no respect there. He said they were in his chair. He said he'd go to sit there and they'd just stay in it. He said they'd ring his buzzer. Howard said that Mel B was there with her man and her glam squad. Howard said Heidi had her social media people there too. Howard said it was like ''what the fuck?'' He said the judges table looked like a day care center. Howard said he'd say something and they were afraid of saying anything got Mel and Heidi. Howard said they need the job so they could tell them anything. Robin said it looked like she had a lot of kids but they say she only has 4. Howard said Mel has like 10. He said there were kids older than him there.
Howard said Mel B is on the prowl too. He said Heidi will be now. Howard said he would have fucked up and fucked both of them over there. Howard said he could have screwed everything up. He said he had to go to work. He said he'd fuck people who he wasn't even attracted to. He said he was out of control. He said now he's got his shit together. He said he's always been faithful.
Howard said he is obsessed with Billy Bush's life leaving Billy. Howard said he felt bad for him. He said they say it was amicable. He said it wasn't over the Trump tape. He said according to Page Six they say he didn't apologize to his wife for the ''grab 'em by the pussy'' thing. Howard said he feels kind of bad for the guy. He said maybe what he did wasn't so good but now he's out of a job and without a wife. Howard said he saw pictures of his wife and she was smoking hot. He said now she's gone.
Howard said he has to get Jimmy on to talk about that. Robin said it's crazy because it's the football players who do well. Howard said Jimmy thinks they're going to hit the 10-1. Howard said he's in.
Howard said they have Nick Lachey on with his wife. Howard said she's a real good dancer. Howard said Jimmy understands how they vote on that show. Howard said he'll get $5,000 if he wins. He said that will be nice. He said that he was too tired trying to figure out how much he'd get back. Howard said he put $500 down.
Howard said he watched Ray Donovan last night and they really have to get away from the dead wife. Howard said she's there every week. Howard said she has cancer and it's like a Lifetime special. Howard said he's a guy who is supposed to be like James Bond. Robin said he's a sociopath too. Robin said he shouldn't care about her. Robin said the whole time she was alive she wasn't naked. Now she's showing her tits.
Howard said he is so impressed with Susan Sarandon. He said she has aged so well. He wondered if she has work done. He said she looks so pretty and young. Robin said they say that even if she doesn't look like she has had work done that she probably has. Howard said she looks great. Fred said she has always had great tits. He said she was in Pretty Baby. Howard said he never saw that movie. Fred said Susan was naked in that plenty. Howard said she's 70. He said he wonders if he would fuck her. Howard said he's an old bag too but he thinks an older guy should be fucking younger women.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's smoking crack. Howard asked why he's asking that. The caller said that Derek Fisher has two left feet and his partner sucks. He said Kimmel's track record is out of line. Howard said he has a 50 percent track record. Howard said he's just going along with what Kimmel told him. He said he put 500 down. The caller asked if he'll pay him back if he loses. Howard said that's not gambling. Howard said Jimmy knows. Howard said he doesn't know what's so special about this Derek guy. The caller said he has his fingers crossed for him. Howard sarcastically said that was a great call, call back again.
Gary came in and said that Derek has one of those feel good stories that will get him votes. Gary said years ago he had to be with his daughter who had an operation. He asked to be let out of his contract so he could get his daughter help later on. Howard said Jimmy knows his shit. Howard started singing ''I'm in the money.''
Howard said Robin will care when she sees him counting his $5,000. Howard said Robin bet on him to beat Nils Loftgren in basketball.
Howard said America isn't going to turn their backs on a guy like this. Robin said it will take weeks for him to get his money. Howard said he has to watch the show now. He said he usually fast forwards through the athletes. Howard said he was wondering why he listens to Jimmy but he obviously knows. He said he knows all of this stuff he didn't know about.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he ever beat off to Heidi. Howard said never. He said that's not his thing. The caller said when he was 11 he broke his dick to Butt Bongo Fiesta. He said keep up the good work. Howard said he was never recognized for that. He said he had a lot of hot chicks in that. He said it was in 3D and way ahead of its time.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said after the break he has some things to play. Robin asked what you do when someone you know breaks up. Robin asked if he's going to contact Heidi. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said he's not close. Howard said he knew that was going to fall apart. He said he was too young for her. He said she'll be fine. She's still hot. Howard said she was at the Emmys and he wasn't sure why. Fred said she was there for Project Runway. Howard said that show can't possibly deserve an Emmy. He said that seems crazy to him. He said Heidi had her titty out on the red carpet. Howard said it was the year of the titty at the Emmys this year. Howard said there wasn't one woman not showing off their tits. Howard said it was great. Howard said Memet went and did an embedded with Tan Mom that he has to play. He said it's a taste of what goes on in her house. Howard said he has a million other things to do too. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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The caller asked if Howard has heard the new Jagger tune. Howard said he has not. The caller said that it sounds great. Howard thanked him for the call. Howard said he didn't know Jagger had a new record. He said it must be a solo thing. He said it's enough of the solo stuff already. He said he's best when he collaborates with Keith Richards. He said he should just keep going out with the Stones and stop it with the solo stuff.
Howard said it's like Fred going out and hosting his own show. Fred said he's not sure what song that caller was talking about. He said it might be ''Get a Grip.'' Howard had him play it. He listened to it for a few seconds and asked when he put it out. Fred said it may have been July. Howard said he likes Mick Jagger but he's done. Howard asked what he's going to do with that.
Howard said someone turned him on to a song. He said he was on YouTube and it was Gary Clark Jr. covering ''Come Together.'' Howard said most of the time covers of Beatles music aren't that good. He said this was good though. He had Fred play the song. Howard said this is a good cover. Fred played Ronnie yelling ''69!'' over it.
Howard said he thought it was pretty cool. Robin said ''Eh.'' She said it reminds her of the original. Fred played her news theme. Robin said ''Fuck you, Fred.'' Robin said there has to be something different about it so she isn't reminded of the original.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra wrote a song about her. He said it's called ''Give me that Cunt.'' He played the bit and said he can't believe this is the guy who he loved on the Mets. Howard said there's nothing that he won't record. He said he loves it. He said it's pretty hard core.
Howard said Lenny comes on to everyone. He said there was a story about Lenny coming on to Lena Dunham. Howard said she was at a baseball game with her boyfriend and his name is Jack Antonoff. Howard said Lenny was told that Lena likes baseball and baseball players. Lenny wrote to her on Twitter and someone who is a friend of her's told her to Google Lenny. She was having a fun flirtation and then she read something about Lenny. Howard said then she realized that he was disgusting. Howard said she tweeted something to him about being disgusting and Lenny didn't care. Howard said he kept going with her and they had this whole exchange. Howard said they had a good idea after that and called Lenny pretending to be Lena Dunham. He said they tried to gross him out.
Howard said they called Lenny and they had fake Lena (Rachel Butera) saying gross stuff to him. Howard played the call. They had fake Lena asking if he had room for more women in his stable. She said she'd bring her slot when they meet up. Lenny told her he has a semi. He said that it's hard to make him cum though. Lena said sometimes she shits when the door is open. Lenny said he doesn't want to know about that. He said no one is allowed to shit in his house. Fake Lena told him she has IBS and she shits a lot. Lenny eventually hung up on her.
Howard said that's how you get rid of Lenny. He said his Kryptonite is shit. Howard said he hung up on Lena. Howard asked if that's awesome. Robin said now women can do that to him and he'll leave them alone.
Howard said he should probably take a break. He wanted to play a Tan Mom embedded. Robin said she wishes she was on that with Memet. Howard said he wishes he was too. He said he's never heard anything like this in his life.
Howard said all of October will be Cocktober. He said they'll have all kinds of cock related hijinks during the month. He said that the staff had a meeting yesterday and every day in October will be covered in cock humor. Howard said they're getting a lot of letters about how fans don't want this but he's doing it. Howard said don't be uptight.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression and talking about how they're going to have noine inches of cock. He was doing the ''noine'' thing a lot and singing a song. Howard said it's not gay, it's funny. He had fake Gary agreeing with him. Sour was singing and saying ''Noine'' over and over as Howard went to break.
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Howard came back and mentioned that the Howard Stern Show song was by Hatebreed. He said they cut an original song. Howard said Robin knows who Hatebreed is.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has seen Anthony Bourdain's girlfriend on Instagram. Howard said he's not sure who that is. The caller said he's a chef. Robin said he's a chef who travels around the world. Howard said he's not going to watch that. The caller said he has to see the girlfriend. He said her name is Sia Argento or something like that.
Howard said Ronnie was walking Marilyn Manson out yesterday and he ran into Adriana Lima up there. Howard said Ronnie said she was beyond smoking hot. Howard said Marilyn was trying to get down with her but nothing happened. Howard said she was a big fan of his and he figured he could score with her according to Ronnie.
Howard asked if this Anthony Bourdain's girlfriend is a model or something. Robin said she thinks she's an actress. Howard said he's not going to watch these travel shows where they show people eating. Howard said fuck him. He said his opinion is as valid as his.
Howard asked where Ronnie is. Gary said he's downstairs. Gary tripped coming in the studio again. Howard said it's his job to tell guests not to trip on them and he trips on them. Howard said it's irony that he almost fell.
Gary had a picture of Bourdain's girlfriend. Howard said she is hot. He said he's not sure about the tattoos the caller is talking about. Howard said he sees her in a dress and doesn't see any tattoos. The caller said she has tattoos on her thigh that she shows off in pictures. He said she's super cute. Gary had a picture of the girl with tattoos too. Howard said he doesn't think it's the same girl. Gary said it is. Howard said she got a lot of tattoos. He said she looks better without them. The caller was still going on and on about her. Howard said he has to go. He doesn't care that much.
Howard said Tan Mom lives in Jersey in some house that's in a nice neighborhood but it's not that nice of a house. Howard said he wants to talk to Memet but he can't ask him about his sex life or he'll get freaked out.
Memet came in and said he didn't freak out. He said it was just one time. Memet said everyone has cried on the show at least once. Howard said Fred has never cried. Gary has never cried. Memet said real men cry. Howard said he likes that he cut his hair. He said he should try to be masculine. He said his parents have suffered enough shame.
Howard said last time Memet was in there they lost him for a few hours. Memet said he'll be fine. Howard said Memet ran out crying and disappeared. Howard said he had a hiding place. Memet said he felt very embarrassed about that. Robin said he's like a cat who hides. Howard said he was worried about him. He said he had a freak out and he told the guys to go find him. He said he was gone for hours. Memet said that's an exaggeration. Howard played a song parody about Memet crying.
Howard asked Memet about the Tan Mom house. Memet said the house looks like a haunted house when you walk up to it. Howard said as he walks up to the house Memet can hear Tan Mom screaming in the house. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom was screaming at the top of her lungs. Her husband said that he had to go.
Memet said she's so mean to her husband. He said he's not sure how he puts up with it. He said he's a saint. Howard said he seems super normal. Memet said he is. He said he treats her really nice and she calls him names like moron. He said she has wild mood swings. He said she'll be very happy one second and very angry 10 seconds later. Howard said it's a house of horrors.
Howard said Tan Mom wasn't able to do a microphone check. Howard played a clip of Tan Mom testing the microphone out and she said she hates marriage and her ex's come around. She was going on and on about her landscapers and stuff.
Memet said it's like interviewing someone on acid. He said she came down with zit cream on her face and she had it everywhere but on the zit.
Howard said he has a clip of Memet getting a tour of the house which is very dark and dingy. Memet said it wasn't air conditioned so it was very hot. He said it was miserable. Howard said the house was filled with antiques.
Howard played a clip of Memet talking to Tan Mom about the stuff she has in her house. Tan Mom said that they're from the war. She said they're from the 1800s. She said they go back to the Holocaust in the 1800s. Memet asked her about her favorite room in the house. Tan Mom said that she doesn't like anything. Howard said she's a little off with that. Memet said everything is a little messed up with her.
Memet said that deep down she's a very nice person. Howard said that Sal must like her because she knows history like he knows history. Howard said they think the Jews won against the Lizard people back in the 1800s.
Memet said it's like wanting to sleep with Wendy the Slow Adult when you see her. He said that the house looks like it's about to fall apart at any second.
Howard said Memet just saw one pet at her house and it was a bunny hiding in a corner of its cage. Howard played a clip of Memet talking to Tan Mom about the pets. She said their bird passed away. She said they feed the rabbit pizza and sushi. She said she doesn't give a damn if it's good for them. Memet said that she was talking about how if they like it then it's fine for them.
Howard said he has Tanner Mom on the phone. It was Shuli doing his Tan Mom impression. Howard spent a minute talking to him about the rabbit who he also had on the phone. One of the guys was doing a voice saying ''Help me please.''
Howard said Memet asked Tan Mom where she gets her news. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom said she doesn't even know what he said. Memet said it's news and what's going on in the world. Tan Mom said she keeps reading 9/11 because it reminds her that the world is falling apart.
Howard said Tan Mom answered better than Sarah Palin. Howard talked more to Tanner Mom who was telling Memet to try not to cry, pussy. She said she has Anne Frank's tampons from World War I.
Howard asked if Memet was shocked when she didn't understand that question. Memet said not at all. Howard said at one point Tan Mom was packing bags of Matzo for the crew. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom was explaining the Jewish holidays to the guys.
Howard told Shuli to come in and do Tanner Mom in the studio. He was right outside so he came right in. Howard said he likes to look at him when he's doing the impression. Howard talked to him as Tanner Mom for a few minutes. Howard was cracking up at some of the impression he was doing.
Howard asked Memet if Tan Mom knows who he is. Memet said that a couple of days after he was there she posted a picture with Steve Nowicki and said ''Great day with Memet'' so maybe not. He said he was right in front of her face for hours that day though.
Howard said her husband seems like a saint. Howard said he's kind of beaten down. Howard said he feels bad for the guy. Howard played a clip of Memet talking to the husband about how things are. He said things are very difficult and she calls him useless and a waste and things like that. Shuli said she had to be carried out of a photo shoot and she calls him useless.
Shuli said he moved to Florida and he had to come back home with her. He said Tan Mom said she threw him right in the basement when he came home.
Howard said the poor guy gets kind of brow beaten. Shuli said when he was at that photo shoot Tan Mom said if he came down there one more time she'd shoot him right in the fucking head. Howard said it seems like the honeymoon is over.
Howard said this is the weirdest clip. He said they're going to the tanning salon. Memet said that she's in a stretch limo. Howard said she yells at her husband the whole time calling him ''driver.'' Howard played the clip and Tan Mom said they were going to the tanning salon. She asked the driver to change the music that was playing. She was yelling at her husband who was driving.
Howard said this is so fascinating. He said he would watch a documentary of her. Memet said that you'd watch her 24/7 on a web cam. He said High Pitch does nothing but Tan Mom would be great. Howard said it would be great to put a GoPro on the husband's head.
Howard said Tan Mom asked to heard some album. Shuli said she's a big Bruce Springsteen fan. Howard talked to Shuli as Tanner Mom talking about Bruce.
Howard said when they got to the tanning salon Memet talked to the owner of the salon. That guy told him that she uses the strongest tanning bed they have. Memet said he was standing next to it and he could feel the power of the bed going through him. Howard said Tan Mom is like a color that isn't real. Shuli said she's like leather.
Howard played a clip of the owner of the salon talking about Tan Mom using the tanning bed. He said that she comes out of the bed and she's smiling and in a good mood after being in it. Howard said it sounds like instant cancer to him. Memet said it's like standing next to a nuclear reactor.
Howard said Tan Mom goes into it fully nude. Memet said she was naked in this part. Howard said Memet is standing next to her and she goes into a trance. Memet said she can't even speak once that thing turns on. Howard played a clip of the tanning bed noise. Memet said he can feel the heat from it already. Memet tried talking to her but she wasn't saying a word.
Howard said that he didn't know that tanning beds even existed anymore. Howard said he's uptight about that shit.
Howard said he thinks that Tan Mom was trying to seduce Memet. He asked if she was wearing goggles in the tanning bed. Memet said she only wears the goggles and tennis shoes. Howard said maybe that's how she's able to prove that she's still white.
Shuli said that he went to check on Tan Mom one day when she was up there. He said she was in the green room and her legs were up and her side meat was showing. He said she was saying that it helps her back. Memet said she will wear a low cut dress and her nipple sticks out. He said she doesn't even know it.
Howard said her tanning bed is 16,000 watts. Howard said that sounds like a lot. Howard said he'd be afraid of that.
Howard played a clip of Tan Mom talking about having sex when they asked her to sign some forms. She asked the guys if they wanted to go to bed. She laughed maniacally when she asked. Shuli did an impression of her doing that. He had Howard cracking up at the impression.
Howard said he likes how she gets kind of masculine at the end. Shuli did the impression and exaggerated that a bit. Howard said he could listen to her all day long. Robin said they should do the Tan Mom show.
Howard asked if she did that all day with Memet. Memet said she was doing that a lot. Shuli was still doing the laugh after saying something sexual bit. Howard played a Tan Mom song parody. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Rob Schneider is there. He said Rob is in the greatest movie ever made ''Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.'' Howard said he can't figure out his microphone over there. He said they changed his board around. He said if he storms out he'll understand.
Howard said he's not bullshitting about Deuce Bigalow. He said that it's so funny. Rob said they had a good time on that. Howard asked Rob about going to do stand up and if people want him to do that character. Rob said they do yell stuff out from the movie. He said he tries to just keep going.
Howard asked if he likes doing stand up. Rob said he does. He said he hated it when he has rough nights but then you have good nights and it's great. He said he started out in the early 80s. He said he started when he was like 17.
Howard said he wants to go through this with him. Rob said his dad had comedy albums and he was interested in that. Rob said he has a 4 year old and he plays music for her and she ends up liking it. He said of course she does because he likes it. Howard said his dad never had anything he listened to. He said his mom had show tunes.
Rob said that his dad would go out in San Francisco to comedy shows. Howard asked if Rob grew up out there. Rob said he did. He said he heard about this club in town and Robin Williams was out there. He said Robin was such a supernova that they'd open clubs just based on him. Rob said thank god for Robin. He said Robin did the Nanu, Nanu thing and they used to make fun of him for that. He said he had 60 million people watch him on the first season finale of the show (Mork & Mindy).
Howard said that it was remarkable to Rob that he had that. Howard asked if he was jealous of him. Rob said with comedians it's like ''how dare you get famous.'' He said how dare they not hang out and have pizza at 4 in the morning. Rob said that when Robin would show up the place would get packed. He said he'd do 2 hours and then the people would leave. He said that he was electric. He said if it wasn't going good he'd switch it up quickly.
Howard asked if he was working in the club. Rob said he was the bartender and they only served beer so it was an easy job. He said he was there to do his material and get laid. Howard said he didn't have a big act. Rob said he didn't even know what to do. Howard asked if he got intimidated. Rob said he did. He said Robin had this thing that was a blessing and a curse so he had to live up to this comic genius thing.
Howard asked if Robin ever bombed. Rob said he never saw it if he did. He said he had to work to under deliver. He said the audience was ready for him. He said he was making movies and TV. He said he had already done stand up specials and stuff. Howard asked if he had success right away. Rob said Robin was so great that he came out to see him do his Netflix special. He almost said HBO. Rob said he's sorry about that. He said he's on Netflix and thank you Netflix.
Rob said Robin Williams was so great because he'd say nice things about you to make you feel good. He said he came out to see him perform at this Netflix special he was recording. He said he had this bit he did that he thought was perfect. He said Robin came up with a better ending. He said he told him how to do it and he was right. Howard said that's very generous.
Howard asked if he was close to Robin. Rob said he wasn't. He said he was a guy who was in his orbit and he was just around him.
Howard asked Rob about coming up in the business and if these other guys were inspirations to him. Rob said they were. He said that Robin made it huge and then they had people like Dana Carvey and guys like that. He said he learned a lot from Dana. He said he was known as a comedian in San Francisco. He said he'd do impressions and weave them into every day life. He said he was electric. He said Dana was like an athlete. Rob said that Dana would come in and do this act and they'd stand back watching thinking they can't do what he does.
Howard said it has to be intimidating to be there. Rob said all of those guys are generous. He said that they have their talent and they're not afraid to help. Rob said he had a guy managing Dana, Paula Poundstone, him and some other guys.
Rob said they had booked Jay Leno in a club and he was asked to pick Jay up as his driver. He said that his manager told him he'd absorb something from Jay just watching him. He said Jay was big back then. He said he had a sign he held up for Jay and he was waiting for him in the airport. He said he didn't talk or anything. He said he just brought him to the radio station and the gig. He said Jay asked him to bring him to a Chinese restaurant. He said he went to eat and Jay talked to him at the restaurant. He said Jay asked how many minutes he had. He said he had about 8. He said Jay talked to him about that and for the next six months he worked on 5 minutes because that's what he told him to do.
Rob said Jerry Seinfeld was in town too so he got to know more about him. He said he had been on the Tonight Show like 42 times. Rob said that Jerry said take out the dirty words and if the joke is still funny then it's a good joke. Howard said he's still like that.
Howard said Jay told him to do the 5 minutes and kill and that's all you need when you get on TV. Rob said that Jay told him you only need 20 minutes to become a star. Rob said that none of the guys who he came up with had more than 20. He said he was right. That's all you need.
Rob said that he had a killer 20 minutes but that was it. He said none of them could do 45. Howard asked if he remembers any of it. Rob said he remembers some of it. He said he had a joke about the word ''dude'' and how it has many meanings like the word Aloha. He said he did that On Letterman and that was part of his 5 minutes.
Howard said Rob got on Letterman. He asked if he was a nervous wreck. Rob said he was nervous. He said Dennis Miller was here with him and he was a big help. Rob said that his manager told him to say no to Letterman's people and then they ended up calling him over and over. He said this was back in the 80s. Howard said it must have killed him to say no. Rob said his manager told him to do that. Howard said he thinks that Billy Crystal had a story like that. He said sometimes if you say no they want you more.
Howard said Rob must have been crushed. Rob said that 6 months later he was better so it was good that he waited. Howard asked if he wasn't so nervous after that. Rob said it was before they mic'd the crowd. He said he went out there and did his thing. He said it looks huge on TV but it's just 8 feet away that Dave is sitting. Rob said he did a joke and only Dave was laughing. He said he looked kind of weird so he just let them hear Dave laugh. He said the second joke the only person laughing was Dave. He said Dave was genuinely laughing and then the audience got into it and he murdered the rest of the act.
Howard asked if Dave was nice to him. Rob said Dave told him they had been trying to get him on the show for 6 months. Rob said he knew it meant a lot to him though.
Howard said Dave had him on recently and he sicks to the story that he sucked at stand up. Rob said the time Dave put into the late night show was great and you can see the time they put into it. He said that he respects the time too much to say he was a great stand up.
Rob said that the travel sucks but Chris Rock talked him into going back into it. Howard said he thinks that Rob ran into Chris after Saturday Night Live and he was back into stand up and what did he say to him. Rob said that Chris wasn't packing them in at the club but his act was really good. He said he was feeling like he wished it was packed. He said Chris knew he was about to blow up. Rob said there's so much delusion in the industry that he just hoped he was right. He said Chris told him this new act was going to blow up and he was right. Rob said he saw some of the act and where it was going and it was good. He said Chris isn't just up there getting laughs. He said he's trying to change people's position. He said Louis C.K. is like that too. He said he's very helpful with him as well.
Howard asked if Rob thinks the Chris Rock thing was the best or one of the best stand up specials out there. Rob said it was right up there in the top 3 or so. He said that you die waiting for someone to say the stuff he says. Howard said he just watched some of it the other night. Howard asked how he did that. He said he wasn't a great stand up and then that happened. Rob said that he made the leap. He said he had some truth to his stuff. He said Pryor was so deadly honest about himself. He said he shot a car and he came out talking about that. He said that he did a joke about the cops coming out and how the cops don't shoot cars, they shoot nig-ars.
Howard said that he used to get jealous of radio guys who got jobs in big markets. He said that must be what it's like for a stand up seeing these other guys. Rob said that you have to become selective and pick out the parts that you like and figure out what it is. He said you have to dissect it. He said he's at the point now where he loves it. Howard said Jerry Seinfeld loves going out on stage still. Rob said it's like surfing in a sense. He said that it's like riding a wave. He said you get the perfect one and you'll never have it again.
Rob said Louis C.K. had a great show and he's so honest and open. He said he went back stage and thanked him because that's the goal they all have to get to. He said he wants to try to do that. He said he saw Louis the next night and it was amazing but not quite as good. He said that it wasn't at the same level. He said Louis saw it coming and he kept that in his head.
Howard asked if Rob opened up for the band Dead or Alive. Rob said he did. He said he was into that kind of music back in the day. He said their fans were really rough. He said they thought those kids were going to love him. Howard asked if that's the toughest gig for a comic. Rob said it is. He said you're in the way of their heroes. Rob said he got hit in the head with a quarter. He said he almost lost his eye. He said he stayed up there and then a shot glass flew by his head. He said he was done after that. He said they told him it wasn't working out after that.
Howard said there's a theme with his history. He said when Lorne Michaels found him for Saturday Night Live they found him in a club and he told them to fuck off. Rob said that he was at the Improv in L.A. and Lorne was there. He said he had that club and he knew he had a monster 10 minutes. He said he was nervous out there though. He said this guy up before him was singing and stuff. He said he went out and did his act where he did the dude bit. He said he just walked out. He said he didn't even want to talk to Lorne. He said the next day Lorne wanted to meet with him. He said he had a gig in San Diego and if he wants to meet him he can fly him to New York. Rob said he broke out in a sweat wondering if he just blew his career. He said they actually flew him to New York after that. He said he was the only guy they did that for. Rob said that Lorne hired him as a writer.
Howard said they teamed Rob up with David Spade. Rob said this was in the 89-90 season and they said they were a writing team even though they weren't. He said that Spade wasn't his partner though. He said that he loves David and they've worked things out. Howard said David came in there and talked about that. Rob said his daughter Elle King has Spade as her godfather. Howard said David accused Rob of stealing a sketch. Rob said that there are only a couple of ways that could have gone. He said maybe he forgot to put his name on the sketch or maybe it never happened. He said maybe Spade made it up or he was looking for credit for everything. Rob said that he asked David what happened. He said David said he was jealous. He said it hit for him though. He said that he hit with the copy machine guy before Spade hit. Rob said he gave Sandler a sketch without a line and he was upset about that. He said you have to have lines or you get fired.
Howard said that Rob said that Spade could put it in his book. Rob said that he's sure he could have put other stuff in the book too. Howard said it sounds like you're constantly paranoid in this job. Rob said you are.
Rob said Judd Apatow and Adam Sandler were living together in L.A. and he went and slept on their couch. He said that none of them were getting work until Sandler got a job in a movie. He said they were jealous of that.
Howard asked if he was asked to do the Roseanne show. Rob said Roseanne was a genius and he wrote for her. He said that she wrote him in as a character but then he took Saturday Night Live. He said that it was his dream to be on Saturday Night Live and he had to do it. Rob said that guys like Eddie Murphy became superstars from the show.
Rob said that he's happy that Saturday Night Live has had a resurgence. Howard said it's amazing that they're still going. He said it's great.
Howard asked Rob if he took acting lessons. Rob said he did take some. He said he went out to L.A. and crashed his car on the way there. He said that a truck driver pulled him out of that. Rob said he went to buy a car with $300 and drove down for this audition he was going on. He said he had no acting experience and he was a mess. He was auditioning for a Dan Aykroyd movie. He said he was all sweaty with a leather jacket on. He said he just went and read the script and the woman wasn't smiling. He said he didn't get the job so his manager talked to Garry Shandling and he suggested going to this great guy who taught acting. Rob said he hit a pedestrian when he was on his way there. He said he rolled through a stop sign and this guy just yelled at him and kept walking.
Howard asked if the acting class was the one that Brad Pitt was in. Rob said it was. He said Sharon Stone was there too. He said he met David Spade in that calls too. He said Elizabeth Shue was here too. He said Jeff Goldblum was there and so was Jim Carrey. He said all of those guys knew they were going to make it. He said Sharon was the one who had already made it but the rest of them knew they were going to make it. Rob said Roy London was this guy who taught the class and he knew he was gong to make it. He said Roy told him that.
Howard asked if he had to audition for the class. Rob said he was let in because he saw him on Letterman. Howard said Garry Shandling was a great guy for helping him out too. Howard said David Brenner doesn't get enough credit. Rob said he's one of those guys who did 142 Tonight Shows and you can't do that without great material. Howard said Robert Klein was another one. Rob said you see that in Jerry Seinfeld. He said you can tell that he was an inspiration for Seinfeld.
Howard said they've gone through the history of comedy. Rob said he still loves it. He said he wishes he had more energy for it.
Howard said Deuce Bigalow was great but then the second one came out. Rob said they just did it too fast. He said they just came up with it and figured it would be a hit. He said it's never that easy. Howard said you've got to write it ahead of time and know it kills first. Rob said you can't just make a hit. He said you always fall on your face. Rob said you have to be excited about it.
Howard said Rob has a second season of ''Real Rob'' on Netflix. Howard said he put up his own money for the first season. Rob said they did the whole series on his dime. Rob said he was out of his mind. Howard said when you produce your own show it has to cost a fortune. Rob said it was millions. He said his agent told the L.A. Times that he was nuts for putting his own money into it. He said that he wasn't on his team so he got rid of that guy. Howard said he really put his money where his mouth is.
Rob said they had a TV show on CBS and they had 11 million people watching it. He said they did the show for Netflix and they bought it. He said they bought it after watching the first 5 minutes.
Howard said Rob figured he had enough interest to do it somewhere else. Rob said he doesn't recommend paying for a show with your own money. He said they had to go out and provide the Craft Services and stuff. He said they had to do it all. He said that he had to do it and not fail. Howard said Netflix ended up buying it and he got his money back on that. Howard asked if they paid for the second season. Rob said they did. He said it was a lot more expensive. Howard said Spade and Norm Macdonald waived their fees for the first season. Rob said it was very nice. He said he had a bunch of people do that. Howard asked if they'd make another Deuce Bigalow. Rob said he doesn't want to take his shirt off at his age of 50. Howard said that would be funny. Robin said she loved the movie Big Stan too. Howard said he demands a new Deuce Bigalow.
Howard said that Rob got into a war with Roger Ebert about his movie. Rob said he did and he called Howard's show when he was on one time. Rob said that he and Roger's wife have become friends since he died. He said that he hated Roger Ebert for a while but then he realized he loved him because he found out about movies that he'd never hear about. Howard said he eviscerated him on the second Deuce movie. Rob said he heard Roger was sick and he sent him a note and thanked him for sharing his love of cinema with everyone. He said that they loved movies or hated them. He said he went to see movies because of them. Rob said that he wanted him to know he loved him.
Rob said he signed it ''Your least favorite movie star, Rob Schneider.'' He said his wife said that he loved that. Howard said that Roger said the movie Deuce Bigalow was so bad that it gave him cancer.
Howard asked if Rob is going to the shrink at all. rob said he has to go for his wife. Howard had the guys bring in his wife. He wanted to see who he's making love to. Rob said they just did that last night. Robin said this is a child. Rob said that she's in her 30s so calm down there Robin.
Howard said that Patricia is his wife. Howard said that she is Mexican. Patricia said that her parents are in L.A. but there are people she knows in Mexico City who she is worried about. Howard asked if Rob is a tough guy to be with. Patricia said he's very sweet but he's very intense. Robin asked what he gets intense about. Patricia said it's the dumbest things. She said he should get intense about some things and not about others. Rob asked what stupid things. Patricia said he will get upset if he can't find something. Howard said he looks to her as the mother. Patricia said he contains it a lot and he knows he can't blow up over some things.
Rob said that his projects are important to him and he knows they can't be important to others. Howard asked if Rob is a good lover. Patricia said that the good thing is that he's an older man and he has practice a lot.
Howard said Patricia plays Rob's wife on Real Rob too. Rob said they wrote it together. Howard asked if she wanted to play his wife on the show. Rob said he had to beg her to play her. He said she knows every dirty joke and she just absorbs everything. He said it's great with another culture because they don't see where the punch lines are coming from.
Howard asked how the writing works. Rob said they write separately. He said they have a go between who puts it all together.
Howard asked where she met Rob. Patricia said that he was a guest on her show. She said she met him in Mexico. She said she didn't want him on because he didn't speak Spanish. She said she thought he was going to bring her ratings down. She said she was a producer down there. She wasn't even on the show. Howard said Rob shows up and then what. Rob said he tried to hit on her. He said he had her come to his movie premiere for Big Stan. She said she brought a guy with her. Patricia said she didn't know he was trying to hit on her. Howard asked how they ended up as a couple. Rob said he started emailing her and asking her questions about coming out to dinner in L.A. Rob said she took like 2 weeks to get back to him. Patricia said she brought her mom on the date. Howard said that's old school. Rob said he saw her mother and it turned into a reservation for 3. Rob said that she brought a special phone with her just in case he was going to try to kill her. Patricia said that she had a whole plan for getting his mom out of there if things were going well. Rob said he worked the mom and he's still doing that. He said she's actually great and they've been married for 8 years now.
Rob said he moved her up there and she gave up her career down in Mexico. Howard said that he's excited for them. Howard said they have the marriage thing going and they have kids. Rob said that the show is based on their life but it's exaggerated.
Howard said he likes to see Rob happy. Rob said that she has saved him. Howard asked how old the kids are. Patricia said that they have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. Howard said if they had a boy his friends would come over to see her by the pool.
Howard asked Rob about President Trump and he was defending him saying he's the president and people were protesting him before he was even in office. Howard said that he made some comments about Mexicans though. Rob said that those were terrible. He said Trump can't help himself. Howard asked if the Mexicans are upset with Trump. Patricia said she thinks that they all are.
Howard wrapped up and gave Rob and Patricia some plugs for the new season of Real Rob. Howard said they have to write some nudity into the show. Howard asked if Patricia would ever appear nude. She said she wouldn't. Rob said he's not sure he'd do nudity. Howard said he wasn't looking for that. Howard said you can also check out Rob's web site RobSchneider.com.
Howard asked Rob about his feud with Seth Rogen on Twitter. Rob spent a minute talking about that and how he said something that upset Seth. He spent a minute talking about a bit he does in his act where he uses Seth's name.
Rob said that Patricia is great because she's never excited about celebrities. He said she's more excited about Property Brothers than someone like P. Diddy. Patricia said she liked some guys on America's Got Talent that Rob rented for her on her birthday. Howard said that all good things must come to an end so he wrapped up and went to break.
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Howard said he had to run to the bathroom after Rob left. Howard said he gets exhausted from doing that. Howard said he's not sure what happens but his urine sprays everywhere. Howard said he's all lined up and then it sprays all over. Howard said it's like a busted beer can. Robin was cracking up hearing that. Robin asked if it hits his clothes. Howard said it doesn't. He said he's trying to stand up like a man but it sprays. He said it gets on the rim of the toilet and the floor. He said he takes toilet paper and wipes it up with his foot. He said it sticks to his foot and he can pick it up with his foot. He said he doesn't want to get his hands dirty.
Fred said it sounds like he's taking 5 times as long to pee with that. Howard said as you get older it gets worse. He said he's lined up and aiming but it sprays. He said areas must get sealed up and blocked. Fred said sometimes that happens after sex when things get blocked. Howard told Fred to leave him alone. He said everything is exhausting.
Howard said Rob Schneider's wife is very attractive. He asked if Robin saw that. Robin said she did. Robin said Howard was doing what he hates by asking how Rob got her. Howard said she was a very nice woman. He said he kind of ignored her when she was walking out. He was playing hard to get even though she's married with two kids. ward said that goes back to high school. He said the kids don't even notice him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's calling to find out if Howard doesn't like Native Americans. Howard said he loves Native Americans. He said he's against the teams the Indians and Redskins. The caller said he's goofing on Native Americans. He said he was goofing on Leonardo DiCaprio when he made his speech. Howard said he's wearing a headdress now. Howard said he loves Native Americans and he thinks they were dealt a bum fucking deal in life. He said they had a beautiful culture and they were screwed over. The caller was going on about something about them being stereotyped as environmentalists but Howard said he can't take it and hung up. Howard said he read a book about how the Native Americans were screwed over. Howard said his sister stayed on a reservation for a short time when she was young. Howard said Fred is the one who is anti-Native American. He said he's just kidding of course. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin started her news with a story about somebody saying that there might be a time where Liza Minelli would stop singing. Robin said TMZ went to her and asked if that's true. Robin had some audio of Liza responding and singing for the guy. Howard said they should have shut that guy from TMZ up and let her sing.
Robin said they say that good fences make good neighbors. Robin said you don't argue if you know where your property line is. Robin said there's a story about Kathy Griffin living next door to the CEO of a large company and the guy is getting sick of Kathy complaining about the noise coming from his property. She complained about his grandchildren playing in the pool. Howard said that's going to happen. Robin said this happened on a Saturday evening and that's going to happen. Howard said we have to live next door to people. Robin said this guy made some remarks about her and they were recorded. Robin had some audio of the neighbor cursing out Kathy and her boyfriend Randy. The guy was calling for a war. Howard said that's just your sanctuary where you want to go and that's what's going on.
Howard said Kathy is having a hell of a year. Howard asked where she is. Robin said she's been laying low. Gary said he's in touch with her. He said she still hasn't given her side about Trump yet. Howard said they have to get her in there. Robin said the guy who was yelling is the CEO of a home builder and they had to apologize for what happened. Howard said maybe he was blasting music or something. Robin said they're kids making kid noises. That's it. Howard said maybe they could have asked for the guy to quiet down. Robin said apparently they've complained a half dozen times but the complaints were dismissed. Howard said if someone complained to him about noise he'd just quiet down. Howard said he lives like a fucking monk. Howard said people freak out when they hear he's moving in but he's so quiet. He said he has lived next to some real assholes. He said he wouldn't even want to live near Robin with those wind chimes. Howard said he doesn't care about her wind chimes now because he doesn't live there. Howard said everyone is an asshole. Robin said you can't just leave if you plunk down money on a house. Howard said she's right about that.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were doing a bit about Robin's wind chimes and had her neighbor complaining about her wind chimes.
Robin said she can't imagine someone using the C-word. Robin said he's a wealthy man but he's a mad man. Howard said he called her a ''fucking cunt.'' Howard asked why they put music behind this clip. Robin said that was the Huffington Post that did that. Howard said the guy sounds like the agent dude he does the impression of. Howard did the agent voice and Fred played music behind him like the Huffington Post did. Howard replayed the clip and the guy told Kathy's boyfriend that he's stuck with a ''bald Dyke'' too. Howard said this guy runs a company and now this is out there. Robin said it's a home company. Howard said he's never heard of the company KB Home. Howard did more of his agent voice and had the music playing again. Howard said they don't know much about it but it seems like they should go to an arbitrator or something. Howard continued to do the voice. He said he can't imagine dealing with that. He said that's a crazy situation.
Robin read a story about Kendall Jenner and how some people say she's not a model but she thinks she is. Howard said that she's a model like an Instagram model is a model. Robin said that Kendall was signed by Adidas and just 4 months later they have passed Air Jordan as the number 2 sneaker seller. Fred said he thinks she's making as much as Adriana Lima. Howard said he thinks it's more.
Robin read a story about Jada Pinkett Smith being outed as a Scientologist by Leah Remini. Howard said she has to calm down with that. Robin said Jada is denying it. Howard asked why Leah is so into outing her. Howard said that Jada says she's not and he's taking her word.
Robin read a story about Ryan Phillippe is being accused of kicking, hitting and pushing his girlfriend down a flight of stairs in July. Robin had some details about that. Howard said he hopes there's a misunderstanding there. Gary said he's reading that the prosecutor is not pressing charges but the woman is suing. Howard said they're rooting for him if he's innocent. He said if he's not they'll abandon him. Robin asked if he'd go visit a friend in prison. Howard said no fucking way. He said he might get raped. He said he'll tell Ryan he'll see him in 15 years. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin brought up the hip hop artist Mystikal. Howard said he had a song he loved. Fred had it ready and played ''Bouncin' Back'' for him. Robin said he turned himself in to authorities for an alleged assault. Robin said it took place in Louisiana at a casino. Robin had another song of his that Howard might know. Howard said he's not sure but once he played ''Shake Ya Ass'' he knew it. Howard said he loves that song but he's not going to visit him in prison either. Robin said Mystikal just got out of prison in 2010 and now he may go back.
Howard took a call from a Balls who said Rob Schneider was great. He asked if Howard ever fantasized about fictional characters. Howard said George Washington. Robin said he's not fictional. Howard asked if Wonder Woman counts. Balls said yes. Howard said he doesn't like fantasizing. He said this is going nowhere. Howard said Balls has the worst phone connection today. Balls mentioned Pennywise the clown but Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin said the clown is from the movie ''It.'' Robin said that the guy playing the clown is really creepy.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Ryan Phillippe has the hottest body. She said that Robin has to check out his Instagram. Howard said he gave Robin a lap dance and she acted like she was in pain. Mariann said that she saw Paul McCartney last night. Howard had Fred play her off like she's at the Emmys. Mariann kept talking. Fred played the music louder until Howard hung up.
Howard said Paul McCartney has been doing some shows there. Howard said he's fantastic. He said he's seen him a bunch of times. Howard said it's no joke. Howard said he can't believe Fred forgot to play her off. Fred said he's sorry about that.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump speaking at the United Nations. Robin had a clip of Trump saying that if we're threatened then we're going to totally destroy North Korea. Howard said he sounds so miserable reading off a script. He said he just wants to unload. Howard said it's weird when he's reading. He played another clip and said that's not what he sounds like. He said they're taming him. Howard said he's sure he wanted to rip that North Korean guy a new asshole. Robin had a bunch of clips that she had Howard playing. Howard said someone wrote all of this for him. Robin mentioned Hillary Clinton being on Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night. Robin had some audio clips of her talking about the speech Trump made. Robin had some audio of John Kerry talking about Trump as well.
Howard took another call from Mariann from Brooklyn and Fred played her right off again. Howard wondered why she was back on the phone. She was talking about going to the concert and Paul singing Happy Birthday to Jimmy Fallon. Howard said Jimmy is living a charmed life. He said imagine a Beatles is singing Happy Birthday to you. Robin said that is heady. Howard wondered why he can't get something like that.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone doing his Paul McCartney impression. He was talking about how there's something wrong with Howard for asking him for an autograph. Howard let him go a short time later. Howard said Sour Shoes made an appearance at a beef jerky store. He said he should have kept him on the line. Howard asked if Robin has ever heard of a beef jerky store. Robin said she's never. Howard asked how that works. Gary said he watched a report about jerky being a thing now. He said he's not sure where Sour was. Howard said he used to love jerky but he doesn't eat meat anymore. Howard said his father called him a jerk so much he went for the jerky. Howard wondered what Sour does at that appearance. He said he got paid in jerky from what he heard.
Robin read a story about Melania Trump holding a luncheon for the world leaders today. Howard said she must be miserable too. He said she's a quiet and demure woman. Robin said she has been around her too and she still doesn't know what her voice sounds like. Howard said she really is quiet.
Robin read a story about Ivanka Trump calling for more response to modern slavery from other countries.
Howard had Sour Shoes back on the phone. He asked if he got paid for that appearance. Sour was just laughing. Howard asked if he got paid. sour said yes. He said he got 99 flavors of beef jerky. He said he did his Gary impression and some Mad Dog. He said he did some John Travolta too. Howard asked him to do some of that. Sour Shoes did his Travolta impression. Howard asked him to do the Richard Simmons impression. Sour did some of that and he did his George Takei impression. He had George talking about Cocktober and then did his Gary impression and his Jackie Martling impression. Then he broke into a Rodney Dangerfield and Scott Ferrall impression. Then he went into his Gary impression. His appearance was on ''Noine/Noine.'' Howard said it really was. Howard let Sour go a short time later. Howard said he could listen to him all day. Howard said it must be hard to get people to visit a jerky store. Robin said that's why they hire Sour Shoes.
Robin had some audio of Ivanka Trump talking about modern day slavery. She had Howard play that. Howard said if Robin was his first lady he'd have her come out against the killing of puppies.
Robin read a story about Jimmy Kimmel's plea to leaders about health care and making it available to everyone. Robin said a congress person made reference to that on CNN. Robin said it was Senator Cassidy. Robin said that Jimmy had him on the show and he made him promise that children would be protected with pre-existing conditions. Robin said they have introduced a bill that does not include those protections. Robin said Jimmy talked about that on his show last night and called out Senator Cassidy for lying to his face.
Robin read a story about Rob Reiner and another guy launching a committee to investigate Russia. Robin read the details and had some audio of Reiner talking about this committee. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.