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Howard started the show talking about the Vocal Fry lady (Rachel Butera) singing his opening theme song. Howard said he's never heard her sing before. Howard said she's in tune. He said she has the worst case of vocal fry he's ever heard.
Howard had a clip of Fake Underdog Lady (Rachel Butera) telling them who is on the show today. They have Hank Azaria coming in. Howard said they're on fire this morning already. He said they're actually the opposite of on fire. He said they're angry and bitter.
Howard said he and his wife were binge watching ''This is Us'' and he's now a Mandy Moore fan. He said the show is good. Robin said she saw one episode and it's not her cup of tea. Howard said he thought that she would. He said the show is so well written and so well done. He said he's into it. He said it's a girly show and he likes that. Robin said Howard liked Thirty Something. Howard said no he didn't.
Howard said in the NY times they have a story about Bill O'Reilly and the sexual escapades he's had. He said he's being sued by 5 women for sexual harassment. He said the guy is in his 60s. He said he's like Ronnie with the horniness. Howard said he's been in TV a long time and he got success later in life. Howard said he's kind of like Regis. He said he got famous later in life too. He said Regis didn't sexually harass everyone though. Howard said Bill has to come up with a new angle. He said he's seen him around and when he comes up to you then you think ''Uh oh... it's Bill O'Reilly.'' He said he's never seen him with his wife. Howard said he doesn't think any of his sexual harassment has led to him getting any pussy. He said he's getting sued for $13 million and he never got any pussy. Howard said one woman claims that he called her and it sounded like he was jerking off. Howard said if you're doing that you're not going to get a girl. He said he's warped if any of this is true.
Jason said that 4 of the stories say that he approached them and they rebuffed him. Jason said the job he offered one woman disappeared when she didn't go to his hotel room. Jason said she had a verbal agreement to be a contributor on the show. Howard said she didn't put out so she didn't get it.
Howard asked what the story is about offering to rub a girl with a falafel. Jason said the story according to her was that he'd describe sexual fantasies to him. She's the one who got $9 million. Jason told Howard about some of the other women's stories in the article. One was about Bill offering one of the FOX News reporters to come to his place and it would be very private. Howard said he can't seem to make it happen with any of these women.
Jason told Howard about another woman who Bill allegedly tried to kiss and she pushed him away and he fell to the floor. Howard said Bill might be a virgin based on these stories. Howard said he heard that even Neal Cavuto turned him down. Howard said he can't get lucky with women. Jason said that cost him $13 million. Howard said Bill Cosby laughs at Bill O'Reilly. Howard said that's really creepy. He said Bill Cosby is accused of rape. Jason said that O'Reilly denies all of this of course. Howard said how about going home and trying to get a date the old fashioned way. He said maybe he should try Match.com.
Howard asked if he can just get a hooker like other losers. Robin said no one said he hasn't. Howard said you kind of dig this whole thing. He said he did his show years ago and he's so arrogant. Robin said he did this show and he was like that. Howard said he doesn't even remember that. Howard said when he did Bill's show he was so arrogant. Howard said he was trying to do a good job for his show and at one point he was like ''So you've gone really Hollywood.'' Howard said he brought up that he goes to Nobu. Howard said Bill was in the paper going to Nobu with some girl who wasn't his wife or something. He said that he was so taken back by it. Howard said Bill talked about him going to the Hamptons but the guy has a house there. He said it was just weird. Robin said he's acting like this every man and he really thinks his crap doesn't stink. Howard said he didn't get it.
Gary said the list of things Bill has for sale on his site is crazy. He said that Howard got one of his jackets and he said he was going to give it to a crack whore. Howard said everything he talked about on the show was so weird. He said that he would bring up stuff that he has and does and he'd act like he didn't have them.
Howard said Bill has a lot of money and you'd think there would be some women who would show up for that. Howard gave Robin an F, Marry, Kill with Bill, Bill Cosby and Lenny Dykstra. Robin said she will kill herself. Howard said she can't do that. Robin said she can think back before the time of Bill Cosby being a rapist and she would say okay to that. Robin said she'd probably fuck Bill Cosby and kill Lenny and Bill O'Reilly. Howard said she has to marry one of them. Robin said she might marry Bill Cosby. Robin said this is something else. Howard said just take a grenade and blow everyone in the room up. Howard said Lenny can't even beat an alleged rapist. Robin said he's not as charming. Howard said he loved the April Fools message to Robin that Lenny had. He said he had him tricked.
Howard said he should read the whole Bill O'Reilly article. Robin said he'll still go on TV and tell everyone how to live their lives. Howard said he'd have to hide for at least 3 years if that happened to him. He said that's what he'd have to do if that was going on in his life. Robin said that's the new thing. She said you look at Anthony Weiner and he tries to get back into politics. Howard said Bill would make fun of that guy for that. Howard asked when Bill is going to get laid already.
Howard said it's a good article. Robin said they have to ask Bill what turns women off so much about him. Howard said it must have worked on someone over there. He said you know guys want to get laid. He said if his tactics aren't working he must have changed it up and tried something else. Robin asked if anyone over there was able to get something. Howard said it would be good if Bill started suing the women for sexual harassment. Howard asked who he asked to rub falafel on their pussy. Jason said it was Andrea Mackris. He said he thinks she's a producer over there. She wasn't on air. Howard did his creepy Bill O'Reilly voice and got on his megaphone to make the call to the woman asking her to rub falafel on her pussy. Howard had the woman telling Bill that she has a whole bag of pita up her ass.
Robin said that someone who may have some insight into this is JD. She said he may understand because he has asked women to do some weird stuff. Robin said he likes food in the pussy. Howard did his JD impression and had him on the phone with Bill. Howard had him telling JD to rub some food on his belly and things like that.
Howard said even if he was some creepy guy he would think it through. He said asking her to rub falafel on her pussy isn't going to get her off. Robin said he's having his own fantasy about these women and thinking it's real. Howard did the phone thing again and had Bill jerking off while a woman is on the phone with him. Bill was saying that he's just washing his car and not fucking a tray of baklava.
Howard asked on what planet that's going to work. Robin said he's a news man and he must have read stories about how that doesn't work. Howard said he's on a highly rated cable news network though. He thinks he can get away with it.
Howard said that Bill is 67 so maybe he should calm down. Jason said there is nothing in the article about sexual contact with any of the women other than the one who knocked him down. Jason said that he went in for a kiss and she pulled back and she fell down. Jason said she got $1.6 million for that. Howard said he should put a dress on and let Bill harass him. He said Bill is a big guy too. He said he's as tall as he is. Howard said there's a lot going on over there at FOX News. Howard said they have Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly doing all kinds of stuff over there. Howard said that they're turning into the Roman Empire over there. Howard said they should only employ women who look like him. He said they have so many good looking women over there. Howard said he loves woman and sex but he'd never ask a woman to rub her pussy with falafel. Robin said he must be a big fan of falafel.
Jason came in and said that Andrea Mackris is the one with the falafel. He said according to her he would tell her what his fantasy was. He told Howard what the fantasy was according to what she said. He read it to Howard and Howard laughed. Howard asked how long she stayed on the phone for this. He said you'd think she'd hang up at some point. Jason said according to this article he was on the phone with her and he'd call her at home with these stories. Jason read the details and he was talking about rubbing her boobs and talking about a luffa mitt and he referred to that as the falafel.
Jason told Howard about some of the stories Bill told Andrea about having sex with other women. Howard said that really turns women on to hear about how many women you've fucked.
Jason said that this Andrea woman put this on tape. That's how it ended up in court. Jason said this is the story that Bill said he'd never talk about on the air again. He never did. Howard said this is the kind of shit he should be writing about instead of the ''Killing'' series he does. Howard did an impression of Bill talking about fingering a woman and learning about it from a woman in Okinawa. Howard said Pat O'Brien calls Bill creepy.
Jason said just imagine the guy in the shower with luffa mitts. He said he's all tall and pale. Howard talked about rubbing his balls on her head. Jason said after all of this he's going to be on air talking about politics seriously.
Howard had Bill talking to Robin about what he'd do to her in the shower. He was doing his impression of Bill telling Robin what he'd like her to do. He told Robin that she'd be showering and he'd walk into it with the steam parting.
Howard took a call from a guy who was asking Jason to talk more about this stuff. He had a car crashing sound like he was jerking off as he was doing it and crashed.
Gary said he found a book that Bill wrote in the 1990s where he had an erotic story and it's got a lot of neck licking in it. Howard said you can't talk about what you're going to do to women when you're trying to get them into your bedroom.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jason uses a D when he says certain words like ''the'' so he says ''duh.'' Jason apologized for that but he had speech therapy as a kid. He said he may slip back into it once in a while.
Robin said these high minded people always take a fall. Howard said it reminds him of all of the religious guys. Robin said you wonder if there are any happy conservatives. Howard said John McCain is happy he's alive.
Howard said he got into a fight with Beth in the car. Howard said he's been watching The Sopranos and he had his headphones in and he was watching it in the car. He said he was laughing really loud and she turned to him asking him to stop laughing so loud. Howard said he realized he had just annoyed her. He said he got really upset and he kind of clammed up. He said he said ''Okay!'' He said that he told her if she was laughing so loud he'd be happy she was having a good time. Howard said she was just sitting there reading Instagram. He asked so what if he was laughing. He said she was the last person on earth who he depended on not to be annoyed by him and now she's annoyed. Howard said his feelings were hurt. Howard said he gets depressed on Sundays and he doesn't like going to work on Monday. He said he doesn't like Mondays. He said he just likes staying home. He said he thought the laugh was fine.
Robin asked if he was laughing like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear. Howard said no it was just his regular laugh. Robin said it must have been very loud though. Howard played the Cape Fear clip. Gary said that movie is ''Problem Child'' that they're watching. Howard said you have to love De Niro for that. He said he's so good in that character. Howard said it's so good that he can't even watch the movie again. He said he was so disturbing in that movie. Robin said Problem Child was so not funny and that's the laugh he had. Howard said he plays such a great asshole.
Howard said he was surprised that the NY Times devoted so much time to the Bill O'Reilly story. He said they had a front page story and a double page spread inside. He said it was really weird. He said Bill just shows up for work after all of that. He said he tells you how to live your life. Robin said it tells you that it's all just an act. Robin said he's spinning all the time because he's not that guy so he's spinning all the time.
Robin said they have a film they have to watch at Sirius about harassment. She said they should send that over to Bill O'Reilly. Howard said he thinks he has learned his lesson by now. He said someone has to sit him down. He said that he might be there preparing for his show and asking a woman to spin on his dick. Howard asked if that stuff sounds like fun to Robin. Robin said maybe if you're in a long term relationship that kind of thing is okay but not if it's the first thing he says to you. Howard said that doesn't turn Robin on. Robin said no.
Howard said maybe if it's Brad Pitt then you'd get turned on. Howard said he knows better than to say stuff like that to a woman. He said his wife would push him right out of the shower if he did that. Howard said his wife never asks him to get into the bath with her like they do on TV shows. Howard said there's no room for him in there.
Howard said Beth is hosting the show Meow Madness on the Hallmark Channel tonight. Howard said go on her Instagram to see all of the cat videos and pictures. He said he made some videos with the cats over the weekend. He said you can find her on Instagram @BethOStern.
Howard said Beth told him his laugh was annoying and he had to tone it down. He said he pouted over it in the car. Howard said she asked if he was mad and he said he was upset that he was the guy annoying her with his laugh. Robin asked if he has ever been on a plane and someone is laughing hysterically. Howard said he laughed 3 times. He said it was a normal time to laugh. He said it wasn't Robert De Niro for 10 minutes. Howard said Beth was annoyed but so what. Robin said a loud laugh can be annoying when you're trying to get things done. Howard said he told Beth that he gets annoyed with her and he doesn't say anything. He said she asked when and he didn't have any examples. Howard said he had a good run with her. He said he didn't annoy her for 17 years. He said that's pretty good.
Howard said he can't decide if the new Airpods are good or not. He said they fall out of his ear a lot. Howard said he called Robin over the weekend and he was on his Airpods. Robin said it sounded fine. Howard said he was just walking around with them in.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said he has Hank Azaria coming in today. He said he's done a lot of stuff. Robin said he has a new series on AMC or IFC. Howard said he's looking forward to him coming in. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said just imagine what you'd say to someone in Italy when they ask what you're doing there and you have to tell them you just came off the David Hasselhoff cruise.
Howard said the guy has had an incredible career. He said he was on Baywatch, Knight Rider and he had a hit song in Germany. Howard said he was also on America's Got Talent. He said he ate hamburgers off the floor once too. Howard said that's what you can do on the cruise.
Howard played another clip of David Hasselhoff talking about what they can do on the cruise. He said they'll watch his TV show ''Hoff the Record'' when you're on the cruise. Howard said he has totally embraced those Hoff puns. Robin said she saw him in an airport once and she swears he was wearing a T-shirt that said ''Don't hassle the Hoff.''
Howard played more of David talking about the cruise and it sounded like he was in a bath tub recording it. He did an impression of what that sounded like by muffling his mouth with his hand. Howard talked about what you can do with David on the cruise like watching him make a salad and then go to his room and watch him ''Jack Hoff'' in here. He said you can pay him in canned food if you have to.
Howard played more audio and David talked about the 17 bars on the ship and how they have parties every night so you can ''party your Hassle Hoff.'' Then he started singing. Howard said this is going to be fun. He said it's going to be wild.
David talked about how he's going to sing all of his hits. Howard said he'd go but he's already booked on the Balki from Perfect Strangers cruise. Robin said he seemed so normal when he was on the show. She asked what happened. Howard said nothing happened. He said just come to the cruise. Howard asked if he's ''Hoff the wagon'' or not.
Howard said he can imagine he and Robin being on the cruise and wishing they'd hit an iceberg. Howard played another clip of Hoff using the term ''Hoff'' a lot. He was using it in everything he said. Howard told him to ''Fuck Hoff.'' Robin said this is going to be Hofful. Howard said it's going to be a ''rip Hoff.'' Howard said he'd love to know how many people sign up for this.
Howard said he was booked on the Alf cruise but no one else signed up. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he has a bunch of stuff to get to. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard said the movie It Might Get Loud is great too. He said it's Jack Black, The Edge and Jimmy Page. Howard asked what The Edge's real name is. Fred said it's Dave Evans. Howard said he's not going to call him The Edge. Howard said that Jimmy shows them how he came up with some of the riffs for their songs. Howard said it's all about Jimmy for him. He said he plays the Kashmir riff and it's so awesome. Howard said Jimmy seems like a really cool guy.
Howard said David Letterman was also honored in that Kennedy Center Honors. Howard said that they were on Letterman's show and he didn't seem all that interested in them. Howard said Dave is a little older than they are and he asked them to describe what kind of music they do. Howard said he was kind of like ''Oh, wow'' when he heard that. He said that Dave knew it was a big deal to have them on but he wasn't that into it.
Howard said Ann and Nancy Wilson sang Stairway to Heaven and they had a full black church choir singing. Howard said Plant was crying and Jimmy was jerking off to it. Howard said it was a really good performance. Howard said the Wilson's grew up loving that music. Howard had some of that performance. He fast forwarded to the big build. In the clip he said it's great when the black people come out from the bottom of the stage. Robin said it's whenever they rise up. Howard said they love that. Howard played more of the clip and said when they retire he wants thousands of black people rising up out of the floor. He said that's his wish. He told Robin to do that at his memorial service. Robin said they'll have to do that.
Howard said he has a new take on it. He said maybe they have black people come out of the floor but parachute in too. He said they come out of the floor and parachute in from the ceiling too. Howard said that has never been done. He said it makes white people feel good. He said that's what Led Zeppelin did when they saw it happening. He said he thinks the guys from Zeppelin were moved by it. Howard said he wants black people coming out of the floor, the ceiling and out of the vents too. Howard said there will be black people everywhere.
Howard fast forwarded through the clip and got to the part where the choir started singing. Howard said that's the black people right there. Howard said that technique works. He said even on America's Got Talent they had people doing that. He said that can make a winner.
Howard played more of the clip and said at one point there were 3 black people on stilts performing. Howard started singing along to the song. He put some echo on his voice as he dragged it out. Howard said Robert Plant was crying. Robin said she knows. Robin asked what they're going to be singing on their last day. Howard said he's not sure but they had a lot of stuff going on at this show. Howard played the final moments of the Wilson's performance.
Howard said Beth walked in and asked what he was doing when he was watching that over and over. He said it was relaxing to him so he watched it. Howard said he liked the Jimmy Page thing where he described all of the songs. He said he loves that stuff.
Howard asked why you never see white people rise up out of the floor. Robin said that doesn't work. Howard said he likes that. He did his Soupy Sales impression talking about how he'd like to see that. Howard said maybe throw in a few Native Americans too.
Robin asked what's going on with his song with Fred. Howard said they're going to go into the studio next Tuesday. Howard said he has an appointment this week so he has to push it off a week. Robin said she's never heard of artists like this. Howard said they've given each other an hour to do it. He said they read that it takes less than an hour to write a hit song. He said they want to catch that lightning in a bottle. Howard said they're going to have people coming up out of the floor but they'll come up in different colors.
Howard said he and Fred are getting together and they will record a song together. Howard said Fred wrote some lyrics he's uncomfortable with. Howard said they're actually good. Fred had The Beatles ''I Am the Walrus'' playing and told Howard how they wrote that song.
Robin asked if anything has ever moved Howard. Howard said maybe he should write a song about Bill O'Reilly because that story moved him.
Howard said he figures everyone is driving him nuts because he's a celebrity. Howard said he has gastritis too. Howard said he eats all the wrong foods and he's just a mess.
Howard played another clip where Big Foot talked about working things out with the squatters and then saying he has gastritis and then burping. Howard said imagine you squat in his house. Howard said he has a hearing problem unless it's about money. Howard played a clip where Shuli asked him some questions and Big Foot kept saying ''What'' until it was about money. Shuli asked him about blowing a guy for $100 and he heard that no problem.
Howard said he has a Big Foot game real quick. Howard said he has to get someone on the phone. Howard took a call from a woman named Susan who wanted to play. Howard said they ask Big Foot what he'd do for $100. He said you have to guess if he'd do it. Howard said they have $500 to give away from Kabbage.com.
Howard said they have Susan on the phone and he asked her what she's wearing telling her he'd like to use a luffa on her. Howard was doing his Bill O'Reilly impression talking about that. Howard said Susan is from Florida. She said she's been listening since she lived in Philadelphia. Howard said she'll have no problem with this then. Howard said he'll give her a practice question. They asked if he would blow a guy for $100. Susan said she thinks he said he will. Howard played the clip and she was right.
Howard said they asked Big Foot if he would eat a spoon full of ear wax. Susan said yes he would. Howard played the clip and Big Foot said no to that. He said it might make him sick.
Howard said they asked Big Foot if he would stick his dick in a tail pipe of a running car for $100. Susan said she thinks he'll say no. Howard played the clip and Big Foot said yes he would. He said if someone dared him to do it he would. Howard said she has 3 left and she has to get all 3 right.
Howard said they asked Big Foot if he would snort a line of male jizz for $100. Susan said that he would say yes. Howard played the clip and Big Foot said he would snort a line of jizz.
Howard said they asked Big Foot if he would eat a gallon of expired mayonnaise for $100. Susan said he'll say yes. Howard played the clip and Big Foot said no because he might get sick and die over it. Howard said Susan isn't getting $500. He said she just got 3 wrong.
Susan said she called in to give him some information to help Sal and Robin to get more sex in their life. She said she and her boyfriend were arguing and they hadn't had sex for 6 months. She said she's a really sexual person but he was pissing her off. She said he told her about listening to some sports talk radio guy... Howard cut her off saying she's boring the fuck out of him and she sounds like she's trying to get in a plug. Howard hung up on her a short time later.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks he'd stick a dirty tampon in his ass for a week. Robin said yes. Howard played Big Foot saying that he would do that. Howard said Robin gets Big Foot. Howard said he's not worried about his health with that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Hank Azaria is there. He said that's the famous Hank Azaria. Howard asked Fred about the song he was playing. Fred said that this is what they asked him to play when he came in because it has a tie in to the new TV show. Howard asked Hank if he knows what he's talking about. Hank said he thinks that it might have something to do with Elvis Costello standing up to big radio. Howard asked if that's right. Fred said it's just what a big panel of people came up to play for him when he came in.
Howard said that Hank plays a sports announcer where he talks in that sports announcer voice. He said that his guy talks like that all the time. Hank said it's the kind of voice you heard in the 1970s. Hank said he sent the show off to many baseball guys including Bob Costas. Howard was trying to do the voice but it was up much higher. hank said that it's a generic baseball announcer voice. Howard said they had Al Michaels on the show all the time and he has that. Hank said that they have that timbre and they say they kind of jack it up. He said Joe Buck is in the show and he's great. Howard said they did a thing on the air the other day where they talked about the news guys and announcers. Howard said you wonder if they talk like that all the time. Hank said that's what the premise of the show was. Howard said it's a great premise. hank said he wondered if they talk like that while they're having sex and all of the time.
Howard said he met Chuck Scarborough and he had that voice. Howard said he talked to him off the air and he talked like that off the air. He said he realized he talks like that all the time. Hank said he asked some of the guys if they picked it up or did it just come naturally. Hank kept doing the voice of his character in ''Brockmire.'' He said they all say they deepen it and jack it up by 20 percent. Howard asked if Brockmire talks like that all the time. Hank said he does.
Hank said he remembers Lindsay Nelson's jacket and his Brockmire wears it. Howard said Hank did this character for a short on FunnyOrDie.com. Hank said the premise started like they talk like that all the time. He said that Harry Shearer told him that as long as you give the score you can say anything you want. He did an impression of what that sounds like.
Howard said you really can just say what you want as long as you give the score. Hank said men find it funny and comforting. He said it's men of a certain age anyway.
Hank did his impression of a sports guy talking about anything and then giving the score. Howard said Brockmire does that too. Hank said Brockmire is kind of old school who would have 3 or 4 beers in a broadcast but then in this one he's drinking heavily and talking about his wife's big fat wife's vagina. He said he gets anger Tourette's. Howard said this should be a hit. Hank said this is his favorite thing he's ever done. Howard said he can't wait to see it. Howard said he's in Brockmire and it's debuting on April 10th on IFC.
Howard said he has that Simpsons thing going too. Howard said it's the longest running show in the history of show business. Hank said that The Today Show and things like that are longer. Howard said Hank was very young when he moved to L.A. Hank said he was 22. He said he was bartending there. Howard said he heard that the people there got angry at him for not giving the waiters free drinks. Hank said he didn't know enough to be dishonest. He said that he was naive.
Howard said when Hank was a little kid was one who watched TV nonstop. Howard said he did too. He said his career was watching TV and commenting on it. Howard said hank was able to mimic anyone on TV. Howard said Hank assumed everyone in the world could do that. Hank said he has done his research well. Hank said he thought everyone could do it. Howard asked what he was watching at that age. Hank said his hero was Bugs Bunny. He said that someone told him at 12 that it was a guy doing the voice and then Mel Blanc became his hero.
Howard said Hank was trying to find himself and his parents are helping him out. He said he's a bartender and then his father tells him to go to L.A. Hank said he got fired from the bartending job. He said he thinks he wanted to get fired. He said he left the gate up and the door wide open. He said then he left the cash register open and walked out. He went back to work the next day and the boss was there telling him what he did. He said he had to let him go. He said the guy laughed in his face when he asked if he could give him another chance. He said the money was still there but he had to let him go. Hank said the boss said he would give him a reference because he knew he was honest.
Hank said he called his dad and told him he got fired. He said his dad didn't really want him to be an actor but he told him to give it a try.
Howard said Hank was the voice of Hollywood Dog and the pilot never made it to air. Howard said someone on the show hired him to go in on The Simpsons. Hank said she had him go in and audition for Moe the Bartender. He said he was doing a play at the time and he was doing an Al Pacino impression on this play. He said that he did the voice for the audition. He said that they based it on Red the Bartender. He said that he did a cross between Red and Al Pacino and that's how he came up with Moe.
Howard asked Hank about going in on The Simpsons job and if he has any clue it's going to be huge. Hank said you can never predict that. He said at that age you have the finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist. He said he went to a film festival where they showed it and they did strike a chord with the audience. He said he auditioned and then they told him to come record it. He said he just got the job. He said he's not sure if they had recorded other guys. He said at first it was just Moe. He said he found out years later that another guy played Moe. He said he assumed they weren't happy with that guy but Matt Groening said he was great and they didn't have a problem with him. He said the guy was just a dick. He said that James L. Brooks was a perfectionist and they did a lot of takes in the start. He said that Sam Simon was directing back in the day. He said he thought Sam was going to fire him after every take. He said he thought he was done. He said they had him coming back from week to week. He said the other guy was the voice of G.I. Joe. He said he's like the Pete Best of the Simpsons. Howard said that's such a great gig.
Howard asked if Hank thinks that it's a horrible job or great because his face is never shown. hank said he had a contract after a year and a half. He said they never saw it coming to be as big as it is now. He said a hit is something that lasts 10 years. Hank said Moe, Chief Wiggum and Apu had a bigger career than he did at one point.
Howard asked Hank if he ever worried about them getting rid of him. Hank said yes. Howard said it's like the number 1 show on FOX and it made FOX what it is now. Howard said it's amazing. Howard said he's kind of in obscurity but he's got a great paying job. hank said he was on Herman's Head and when that ended he got Quiz Show and Bird Cage pretty quick. He said he loved working with Robert Redford. Howard asked who would have guessed he'd be a great director.
Howard asked how Hank became contracted because he had so many voices. Hank said that was it. Howard said that he can do so many voices and how does he keep them all separated. Hank said that he's able to do them that way. He said that his Chief Wiggum is like Edward G Robinson. He said Apu is just his best Indian voice. He said he does Snake and he's like a guy he went to college with. He said that guy would take drugs and tell you what he was seeing. He did his Comic Book Guy voice. He said he's kind of a child man who argues with children on their level. He said it's just a voice that stayed in his head.
Howard asked if they ask him to do a voice for this guy or does he just come up with it. Hank said the writers are great over there. He said that it belongs to Sam, Jim and Matt who started it. He said they all got lucky. He said part of their genius is their feeling for who could do what. He said he occasionally says he might be able to do a voice better than someone else. He said that he wouldn't have done it in the first decade but now he'll do it because no one cares. Howard asked if he can do a Woody Allen. Hank did his Woody Allen voice for a minute.
Howard said Hank did try stand up. Hank said he did improv kind of stuff. He said he went into The Comedy Store and did 5 minutes. Howard said even if he did Woody for 5 minutes it would be a scream. Hank said he didn't do impressions actually.
Howard said comics who do impressions are hacky and they don't get treated that well. Howard said Jim Carrey did impressions and that's funny to him but Jim had to stop. Hank said he did William Shatner actually. He said this was in the 80s. He said you'd get heckled back then at the Comedy Store. Howard asked how he did the impression. Hank said it was Shatner taking a shit. He did it for Howard. He said it was the Captain Kirk 2 move hit. He said he did two moves when he'd get hit. Howard said audiences didn't respond to it. Hank said he rarely did.
Howard said he read that Hank would memorize the acts of Steve Martin and George Carlin. Hank said he did them as impressions and he did them mostly for himself. Hank said he watched a lot of TV and his dad wasn't around much. He said his mom wasn't around much either. He said parenting wasn't what it is now. Howard said that Steve Martin album was great. Hank said he remembered a whole plumber joke that he did. He said the whole gag was that it was really specific to plumbers.
Howard said he's blown away by people who can remember lines for a movie. He said he saw Hank in the play Dry Powder and it was amazing how many lines he remembered.
Howard asked what he's getting paid for the Simpsons. He said he heard it's like $300,000 per episode. Hank said that they don't own anything so they pay them the enormous salary. Howard said he does a lot of voices but who else does them. Hank said that Harry Shearer does a bunch. He said that Dan Castellaneta does a bunch too. He said that they used to record together but now he prefers to record alone. He said that you don't need to be there. Howard said as an actor you must want to play off of one another. Hank said he finds that annoying now. Hank said it's kind of true but there are sections where you rarely need it. He said at times they will get together.
Hank said that the guy who is directing will read them back and then you do your lines. He said if you do it by yourself it's about 45 minutes to an hour and if you get together it's like 4 hours. Hank said he'll do it a bunch of times. He said that's the way they do it at Family Guy too. He said he did a couple of Family Guys. Howard asked if he did The Smurfs too. Hank said he didn't voice them. He said he did some other stuff.
Hank said as you get older you see how great the job is. He said that you become grateful for it. Hank said that he's very grateful for it now. Howard said it must build confidence too. Hank said it's been the last 5-7 years that he has perspective now. He said that he can choose projects he loves now.
Howard said it must have been tough when they were asking for like $500,000 an episode. He said that they were threatening to fire everyone. Hank said they did some casting. He said they did check it out. Hank said that he'll write a book about it some day. He said he has to keep his mouth shut about some of it now. He said part of it is how they can't go into detail about how it was worked out.
Howard said they do deserve to be paid. Hank said they went out on strike basically. He said he was trying to unite them all while Harry was out there really on strike. He said that he was fine with whatever they were paying him. He said if you look at what the show was making then you want more. He said that it would be way more if they gave them a part of the show. Howard said Hank could have just gone back but he hung in there with everyone. Hank said they learned that they did new contracts every 4 years and FOX is very good at negotiating. He said they paid them reasonably. He said the show never ended though. He said they kept learning as the show went on and on. Hank said after 12-16 years they caught on. He said they banded together to make it happen. He said they learned it from ''Friends'' where they all stuck together. Hank said he was on Friends twice. He said he read for Joey and they told him no. He went in a second time and tried it again. Hank said they gave him a fast no again.
Howard said he did do a couple of episodes. Hank said he did Quiz Show and they liked his audition but they liked Matt LeBlanc better. Hank said he was friends with Matt Perry at the time and he was jealous of him. He said he did a pilot with Matthew that never saw the light of day. He said that he was able to be happy for him eventually. Howard asked if he watched the show. Hank said it's hard. He did watch it when he was on. He said he's narcissistic though. Howard said he interviews people all the time and they say they don't watch their own shit.
Howard asked Hank about being on Mad About You. Hank said he was on and off for 4 or 5 years. He said he played a dog walker guy. He said he based that guy on a guy he grew up with. Howard asked if that's hard for him to keep that voice up. Hank said not for him. He asked what else he has to do. Howard asked if it's harder to come up with voices by observing people now that he's famous. Hank said he loves overhearing people. He said he thinks he's made every sound he can possibly make over the past 30 years.
Howard said he loved seeing his dad working with the guys doing voice recording for cartoons for Tennessee Tuxedo and shows like that. Howard said he saw these guys standing up and having fun doing it. Hank said it is fun. Howard said he was always taken with it. Howard asked why he's not making billions doing commercials. Hank said there is a tale there. He said that he did the Simpsons first and then he started going out in the 90s and he found it frustrating. He said that he got spoiled on the Simpsons. He said you do a commercial and it's goofy and stupid. He said commercial auditions are annoying. He said it's a bit of a cattle call. He said in New York you can pop in but in L.A. you drive for 3 hours to do an audition. Howard said he was called in to do an audition for Wilson's Golf Balls and he did it but they threw him right out.
Hank said when he auditioned for commercials he sounded sarcastic. He said that they'd tell him that. Howard asked what did it in. Hank said he was doing The Simpsons and he didn't have to do this stuff. He said they were doing a Jell-O campaign and he was going to play the voice of Jell-O Man. He said the character was the letter O. He said he gave him a kind of vagrant voice. He did the voice for Howard. He said he finished it and the woman who was casting it said that was wonderful and she enjoyed it but they wanted Jell-O Man not to frighten the children. He said he realized that he wasn't going to do a second take and this was the last nano second of his commercial career. He said she went on so long he came up with an exit line. He said she finished up and he said ''You do realize that Jell-O Man isn't real, don't you?'' He said he just walked out. He said he didn't have to do it so he didn't do it.
Hank said back in the day people still had beepers. He said they would do 5-10 auditions a day. He said in L.A. you had to drive around. He said that guys made half a million a year back in the day. He said there were like 7 guys doing it.
Howard said Hank is in the new show Brockmire and he's done The Simpsons. Howard said he loved Mad About You. He said he met his former wife Helen Hunt there. Howard said they say you should never date someone on set. Hank said they were a couple before the show. Hank said they met through friends and then he was there so much that they threw him a role. Howard asked if it's a good idea to date your co-star. Hank said he would say no. Howard said that Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt were very close on set. Howard said that would bother him. Hank said that didn't bother him there. He said that it comes down to a cliché that he found true. He said it's very difficult to be two narcissistic people who become successful. He said someone has to be there supporting the other person. He said he didn't realize that until 10 years after the marriage. He said he was trying to be very supportive. He said he was like that with Matthew Perry. He said that he'd go to her premiers and openings and be her guy. He said it's very hard. Howard said he has friendships and in the back of his mind he thinks he's more famous than the other person getting noticed more. He said he's not sure that he could be with someone like that. He said he's not sure his ego could deal.
Howard asked Hank if people thought he was gay from playing a gay man in the movie Bird Cage. Hank said they did for a long time. He did the voice he did in the movie. Howard asked if he and Helen are friends. Hank said they're friendly. He said it was an amicable break up. He said they just went their separate ways and wished each other well. Hank said that Helen is very private but it broke both of their hearts. He said they were really in love with each other and it's still hard.
Howard said that his wife now used to be an actress. Hank said she's a recovering actress. He said that she doesn't work as an actress. Hank said he can be the pain in the ass in the relationship. He said something's got to give. He said that he's around home a lot because of the Simpsons. He said that when you work it's 14-16 hours a day. He said that must be it with the show now. Hank said it was a quick shooting schedule though. He said that they did have long days.
Howard said he loves the sportscaster guy voice. Hank said he'll go around all day talking like that. He said he just loves doing it. He said he'll do it at breakfast.
Howard said Hank worked with Al Pacino so did he do the voice for him. Hank said no way. hank said that guy who did Al on the show was great. Howard said that's Craig Gass. Hank said that guy's impression is like 100 percent Al Pacino. Howard asked if it was distracting to him to do his Al Pacino with Al around. Hank said it's terrifying to imitate someone. Howard said he thinks that he might get a kick out of it if he knew. Hank said he was doing the show Herman's Head. Howard said that was kind of a cult hit. Hank said it was. He said he came out of that show and tried to get on Friends. then he did Quiz Show and Bird Cage. He said that he had some jump there. He said he was wondering what was happening. Howard asked if it was intimidating working with Robin Williams. Hank said that it was and Howard must know. Howard said Robin was only on the show once and he didn't treat the guy very well so he kind of regrets that. Hank said that Robin wasn't improvising on the set of that movie but he did a great job with the script.
Hank said that when Pacino yelled out ''Great ass!'' in that movie he was shocked because he hadn't done the take like that. He said that he was genuinely shocked when he did it that way. He said you can hear him say ''Jesus'' after Al yells it out.
Howard asked if Hank is a high stakes poker player. Hank said he was doing that and he may have had a bit of a problem with it. Hank said that guys would go on to lose like a million a night. He said his worst ever was about 30-40,000 in a night. He said he was running a little crazy. Howard asked if he was losing respect for money. Hank said he loves poker and he had the mistaken idea that you had to keep pushing the stakes. He said he didn't go crazy, crazy. He said he would run into Sam Simon playing a lot. He said that he won a lot too. Hank said now they play for a buy in of five of ten bucks. Howard said it's about the game and not about the money. Hank said he keeps track now. Howard asked what kind of money he gets upset about losing. He said losing 50,000 would bother him. Hank said it would really bother his wife. He said if he walks in and tells her they're down 50,000 she'll be like ''Okay, wow...'' Howard asked who he plays with. Hank said he plays with Billy Crudup. He said he plays a lot with him. Howard asked if he plays in Vegas. Hank said he has many times. Howard said he went through like 2-300 bucks playing in Vegas and they cleaned him out in like 3 seconds. He said they're that good at it. Hank said they're often colluding. He said that they wait for that guy to come in from out of town.
Hank said he's an advanced or intermediate player. Howard said he might be a fish himself. Hank said he has taken lessons. He said he loves the game. He said beside watching the Mets and raising his son that's what he likes to do. Howard said he might need lessons. hank said you have to put in the 10,000 hours as Malcolm Gladwell says. Howard said math isn't his strong suit. He said he can't do it. Hank said that might be a problem.
Howard asked what he worked with Bill Murray on. Hank said he worked with Cradle will Rock. He said he and Bill just bump into one another in the movie.
Howard asked if he ever auditioned for Saturday Night Live. Hank said that's kind of how Brockmire came about. He said that they have Funny or Die and that's Will Ferrell's web site. He said in this era of digital media you can do that kind of stuff.
Howard said he loves Hank on Ray Donovan too. He said he loves the character and the show. Hank said he loves doing that show.
Howard did his morning radio guy for Hank. Hank did some of his own morning radio guy. Howard said he wondered how he was going to get into radio when he couldn't do that voice. Hank said that must have driven Howard to do radio not knowing why they had to do that. Howard said he thought if he put some effort into the content he could have a career. Howard said he picked the lowest, shittiest medium and elevated it.
Howard gave Hank some plugs for his new show ''Brockmire'' that's on IFC this week. Hank said they have the first two episodes airing this week. Howard wished him luck with it. Howard said maybe they can do The Simpsons. Howard said he'd do it. Howard said he wants some of that cartoon money. Hank said that he's sure that they'd have them on. He said Harry does an impression of Howard. He said it's a three word impression. It's ''Alright Robin, very good.'' Howard said he can talk like this. He did an impression that sounded like Ray Romano or Kermit the Frog. Hank said it's not that good of a Kermit impression. Hank said he odes Lou the Cop and he's just a bad Stallone impression. He did that for Howard. Hank said he did that and he became a black cop on The Simpsons.
Hank said he loves the impression Howard does of his dad. Howard said his dad's parents came right off the boat so he always tried to annunciate so he talks like this. Howard did his impression of his dad for him. Hank asked him about his dad calling him a moron. Howard said that went on all the time. Hank said Archie Bunker was great and he loves that and Breaking Bad. He said that Archie could call his son in law Meathead and he said his dad would call him that so it's actually a kind of loving term. He asked if that's what his dad was doing. Howard said no way that's what it was.
Hank talked about how he came up with the voice he did in Bird Cage. He said that he was doing an impression of his grandmother. He said it was early in his career and he wasn't sure if he was offending anyone. Howard said that could have gone really wrong but it was actually a great movie. Hank said that was Mike Nichols. Hank said he told his father that he was doing the impression of his grandma. He said he showed his dad a picture and his dad stared at it for like a minute. He said then he passed it back to him and said ''That's not you.'' He said it was genuinely denial. He said it freaked his dad out. Howard said that's old school. Hank said it worked out well so they accepted it after that.
Hank said that his mom was at the premier and his ass was shown in a scene. He said that his mother says really loud ''I diapered that derriere.'' Howard gave hank some more plugs for Brockmire. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and did another live commercial read. After that Howard said he didn't play any phony phone calls today. He said today is opening day for baseball. He said he has a call in honor of that. He said he has Richard's Dad calling an internet radio show about that. Howard played the call and they had clips of Richard's dad talking 'bout them Royals. They had Richard's dad talking about the rooster they have that screws bottles and cans. He said they called him shithead. The host of the show said he's killing him with that. He hung up on them after that.
Howard said that was really good. He said he loves those phony phone calls. He said Richard had a birthday. He asked how old he is now. Someone said he's 43. Howard asked how long he's been working there. He said he used to send stuff in when he was like a kid. Jason said he's been there like 13 years. Howard said he was like 30 when he started there. Howard said the drumming thing wasn't working out. He said the guys asked what he did for his birthday and he had Papa John's pizza, watched movies and drank pumpkin beer. He said he lives in New York and he eats Papa John's pizza. Howard said they have the greatest pizzas there in New York and he eats Papa John's. He said that's what you do if you live in Kansas. Howard said that's pizza you get if you can't get real pizza.
Richard came in and said he started doing that in Florida and he's kept it up as a tradition. Howard asked why he doesn't just get pizza. Richard said it brings back good memories of living in his storage unit. Richard said he had some pumpkin beer and watched some horror movies. He said he watched Halloween, Trick or Treat and Night of the Living Dead. Howard said he saw the trailer for the new Stephen King's ''It'' movie. Howard said that looks scary. Richard said it looks really scary and he can't wait to see it.
Howard said he has Richard Simmons to wish him a Happy Birthday. He played a clip of Richard Simmons talking about how he's another year older and laughing maniacally.
Howard said that Richard Simmons had a business online where you could download those clips. Howard played another one where Richard sang a song about Richard getting older. Howard said it's a shame the guy locked himself up in his house. Robin said we might all be safer now.
Richard said there's another clip where Richard wasn't able to sing Happy Birthday so he changed it up a little bit.
Howard took a call from Papa John's pizza who said that their pizza is shit. He said he wipes his ass with his pizza. Fred said as of 2015 the song ''Happy Birthday'' is now a public domain song so anyone can sing it.
Howard let Richard go. Richard said thanks to everyone who sent happy birthday messages. Richard said Ronnie call his wife ''Mrs. Dickass'' and he wrote to her on Twitter and got the name wrong so he was sending it to some woman in Colorado. He said she had like 20 followers so he she must have been freaking out. Howard said Ronnie has this puss he puts on there and he asks everyone ''What's your problem'' and things like that.
Howard had Ronnie come in to talk about the ''Dickass'' thing. Ronnie said it's something they joke about back and forth. He said they both joke. Richard said his wife loves it. Howard said he can't be going around calling a woman ''Dickass.'' Ronnie said it's been going on for years. He said he can't even remember how it started.
Howard asked Ronnie why he bothers people in the morning. Ronnie said he doesn't do anything. He said they bother him. He said he just says hello to people. He said he doesn't talk to everyone like Howard does. He said he talks to everyone about the dumb TV shows he watches. Howard said Ronnie has a dumb shtick with people there. Howard and Fred did their Ronnie impressions and made up more names for him to call Richard's wife. Ronnie told Richard to tell her he's sorry and he won't talk to her anymore.
Howard asked why he calls his wife Mrs. Dickass. Richard said it's a term of endearment for him. Howard said Ronnie thinks he's the life of the party. Richard said he is. He said his wife loves Ronnie. Richard said he is very entertaining. Howard asked how they came up with that. Ronnie said he can't remember. He said he had a stroke so he can't remember. Howard asked how they came up with that. Ronnie said he has Dickboy too. He said Richie Wilson is Dickboy. Howard said he heard he calls other people Dickass. Howard said he heard he calls Shuli Dickass. Ronnie said he just wants to get on the air. Shuli said he's been using it for many years. He said he used to call people who worked there the name. He said all of the names he has have ''dick'' in them.
Howard said if someone called Ronnie a name he'd be pissed. Ronnie said no one calls him any names. Not at all. Howard said he has a confidence now and he walks around not talking to anyone. Howard said he's like the mayor there.
Shuli asked if Ronnie has a pet name for Stephanie. Ronnie asked what he heard. Ronnie said she's Ms. Dickass. Howard said he has to get to news. Ronnie told Shuli to get the fuck out. Howard let everyone go after that.
Howard said holy moly what he created with this guy. He said you can't out yell that guy. He said he has some personality. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
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Howard said MSNBC is on fire lately. He said they have the shittiest program on the weekend though. He said they do long form documentaries. He said they're awful. Howard said they're anti-Trump. He said that FOX was like that with Obama. Howard said they weren't even sure Obama was American. Howard said MSNBC is on fire now. He said you watch a full week of that show and you think Trump is going to be hanged for treason. Robin said Trump is telling people to tune in to FOX because they're getting the story right.
Howard said that the guys told him this new woman for FOX and Friends is really hot. Jason came in with a picture. Howard said she's going to drive O'Reilly crazy. Howard said they keep taunting him with these women. Howard said she's very hot. He said she's blonde with big titties. Howard said O'Reilly is going to be cumming in his pants. Howard said he's going to look at her and finish.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she wrote a song. She said she just saw Beth on Good Day New York. He said she was gushing about how much she loves Howard. Mariann was going on and on about other things that they should watch. Howard said this is why people say he shouldn't have her on. Mariann said she has a song for Howard but he hung up on her before she could get it out. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about David Peel being in the news. Howard said he did a song about him for when he was running for governor. Howard said John Lennon produced an album for him back in the 60s. He said he was David Peel and the Lower East Side. Howard said he had a heart attack or something. Robin said he's in critical condition in the veteran's hospital. Howard played the ''Howard Stern for Governor'' song that he was talking about. Howard said he hopes he's okay. Robin said they say he's waiting for a bypass. Howard said they're rooting for him. Howard said they brought him to the Libertarian convention. He said he's a fun guy. Robin said he's 73 years old.
Howard took a call from Balls who said he was thinking about what to say and he's just thinking about Ronnie saying ''Sloppy pussy fart'' earlier. Howard said Ronnie has become a character. Balls said it was great hearing Hank Azaria on the show. Howard said that's an amazing thing to get a show like that. He said he's getting $300,000 per episode and he may have gotten more at one point. He said they had to take a pay cut based on ratings. Gary said it was $400,000 at one point. Howard said it's amazing they've kept the quality of the show up for that long Howard said it's been on for 20-something years. Howard said he doesn't watch the show but he hears it's still great. Jason said he just watched one this weekend and it was great. Gary said it's been on for 29 years. Howard said if there's 20-some episodes a year for $300,000 a year how much money is that. Gary figured it out and said it's 630 episodes times $300,000 then it's 191 million. Howard said that's not per year. Gary thought it was the whole run. Howard said it's 22 episodes a year at 300,000. Gary said that's $6.6 million a year. Howard said that's for 29 years or maybe 23 years. Gary said that's $151,800,000. Howard said that's pretty good. He asked how he isn't doing a cartoon voice. He said he felt bad when Hank put down his voice. Howard said he can do Kermit the Frog. He said he's sure he could come up with a voice.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw who David Spade is allegedly going out with. Howard said he did. He said the Paparazzi caught him with this girl. Her name is Naya Rivera. Howard said she's 30 years old and David is like 52. Howard said Spade knows how to work it. Robin said Bill O'Reilly should call Spade. Howard said he should. He said he can learn how to get a girl without getting sued.
The caller asked if Howard would have Paul Shaffer on the show. Howard said sure he would. the caller said he has a new album out. Howard said he's not sure Paul knows about anything that went on over there with David Letterman. He doesn't think he hung out with him. Gary said that Paul and Dave are up there today. He said they're at Outlaw Country and he's going to play some songs that were on his show. Howard said he should stop by. He said they come up and don't say hello. Gary said he's been talking to his guys and they have something that may fit them better later on. Howard said whatever he thinks is appropriate. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about the Country music awards being on last night. Robin said they did a tribute for Chuck Berry. Robin had some audio for Howard to play.
Robin said the GLADD awards were over the weekend too. Robin said Paris Jackson has been hanging out with the Kardashians and she was there. Howard said she's hungry for attention like the Kardashians. Howard said come in there and he'll give her some attention. Robin said Caitlyn was there and she looks like she had more work on her face. Howard said she looked good there. Robin said she has a book coming out too. Howard said he wants her to come in there. Robin said she's going to be there in the city on April 26th. Robin had some audio of Caitlyn sending a message to President Trump.
Robin read a story about Jennifer Lopez and A-Rod being seen out holding hands. Howard said he hates that couple. He said she just needs a good hard plow from a baseball player. Robin said he thinks she's looking for that permanent guy. Howard said he hates it when the condense names into something like J-Rod.
Robin read a story about a man who wants a marriage license to marry his computer. Robin said he can't show any real harm from not being allowed to marry it so he may not win a lawsuit he's filed. Howard said go ahead and marry your computer. He said everyone wants to be married.
Robin said Bob Dylan picked up his Nobel prize for literature. Robin said he gets a medal and a diploma. Robin said they also give some money for that. Robin said that he did an interview with Rolling Stone and he said some amazing things in the interview. Robin said he deserved this prize. Robin had Fred play some Bob Dylan. Howard said he's out of this already after about 2 seconds. Howard said this is like Karaoke night. He said there's nothing pleasant about it.
Robin read a story about some witches that got together and put a hex on president Trump over the weekend. Robin said it happened on April Fool's day. Robin said they hope the hex gets Trump impeached.
Robin read a story about a Ferrari owned by President Trump that's up for auction and it went for $270,000. Robin said it was an F430 that went for more than any other optioned like that.
Robin read a story about a mud slide in Colombia that left 250 people dead. Robin said that many people were asleep when this happened. Robin said that more than 400 other people are injured. Robin said a number of those people who died were children.
Robin read a story about thunderstorms sweeping across the United States. Robin read about a mother and daughter who died when their trailer home flipped over.
Robin said the President's son in law was in Egypt over the weekend. Robin said he's going to be hosting the president at the White House.
Robin read a story about people in Chechnya being rounded up on the suspicion of homosexuality. Robin said they say that none of the men have gone public about their sexual orientation.
Robin read a story about explosions in Russia have killed a bunch of people at subway stations. Robin said they're not ruling out terrorism in that case.
Robin read that Bill Cosby's court case is back in court today. Robin said jurors will have to travel from Pittsburgh to get an impartial jury.
Robin read a story about a new app that lets you contact your congress person. Robin said you can record a message and the app takes care of the rest of it. Robin had audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read a story about a 13 year old girl who was killed by a subway when she tried to get her cell phone from the tracks. Robin said she dropped the phone and was hit by the train. Robin said what you do is stay on the platform and let someone know.
Robin read that today is opening day for the NY Mets. Robin said that some people will try to stay healthy at the ball park but it's not a great place to eat. Robin wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how he's just sitting there not doing anything. Fred had Yoko Ono clips playing over the opening theme. Howard asked if Robin's microphone is working. Robin wasn't there. Howard said they're having trouble with Robin's microphone. He said he's in a bad fucking mood. He said he was up at 2 in the fucking morning and now he's sleep deprived. He said he doesn't start until 7 in the morning and he gets annoyed.
Howard said they have to work on Robin's microphone so they can play a song or something. He asked Fred what he has over there. Fred had a few songs he suggested to Howard. Howard had him go through a few and he didn't want any of them. He told Fred to just play whatever he wanted. He started to play something and Howard told him not that one. He eventually settled on Jane's Addiction ''Been Caught Stealing'' to play.
After a short time Howard came back and said he's sorry about that. He asked how her microphone is now. Robin said it seems to be fine. Howard said he wasn't sure if it was the fader or the microphone. He had to do some digging. Robin asked if he got out his tool box. Howard said he had to get up and sweep up too. He said when he doesn't get the proper amount of sleep he's in a bad mood. Robin's microphone cut out again. Howard said her microphone is giving them a bitch of a time. Howard said today isn't the day for this. He said he's really angry about this. He let out some grunts and laughed. Robin tried it again and it was back. Howard asked if she's there now. It cut out again.
Howard said he has a lot of stuff to do but he's going to do commercials and then try this again. Howard said he'll do the first break and work on this. He said he apologizes about this but they have a situation there. He did a live commercial read.
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Howard said he has a fucking headache. He wants to go home so bad. Howard said he just wants to go home. He said he has to get his composure. He said he doesn't do well when he doesn't deal with problems like this very well.
Howard played a clip of Betty the Vocal Fry woman (Rachel Butera) telling them what they have coming up today. They have Chelsea Handler coming in. Howard said that's Vocal Fry Betty. He said she has too much vocal fry.
Howard said yesterday David Letterman was up there doing a show for a friend. He said he was sitting there eating and talking to the guys and Dave came in to say hi. He just dropped by to say hi. Howard said he showed him the studio and Dave looks terrific. He said in person the beard is kind of charming. Robin said it doesn't photograph well. Howard said Dave is thin and fit like he's been working out a lot. He said he's still running. He said that inspired him because he's older than he is and he's running. Howard said they had a nice conversation and Dave might be coming on the show soon. He said it was good to see him. He said they shook hands but didn't hug. He said he was just happy to see him. Robin asked if he told him what he was up to. Howard said they did talk privately. He said Dave will come in to talk about some stuff. He said he seems happy too. Howard said the weight of doing that show might have lifted off his shoulders. Howard said Dave is as witty as he ever was.
Howard said he told Dave he misses seeing him on TV and Dave said ''No you don't!'' Howard said he did some crazy things on Dave's show. He said he got nostalgic.
Howard said Dave will be coming in soon. He said he's excited about Chelsea Handler coming in today. He said she's doing a show on Netflix now. He said she blasted E! the last time she was on. He said she kind of burned all of her bridges there on the show. Howard said she's coming in to promote the second season of her Netflix show. Howard said she's honest and negative so it's very interesting.
Howard said John Cena has done a lot of wrestling and movies and he proposed to his girlfriend on the WWE. He said this was on Wrestlemania. Howard played a clip. He said the wrestling is fake but the love is real. Howard said he proposed to someone named Nikki Bella. Howard said she's a wrestler. Gary said she has a twin sister. They wrestle with each other as the Bella sisters.
Howard said wrestling has the same ending as The Bachelor so who's gay now assholes? Howard said Will said to JD that John Cena does what's good for the show and does it on the air. Howard said JD was like ''Alright, alright... I get it.'' He said there you go. Howard said JD gets the point now. Howard said he didn't even want him to propose on the air but he would have liked him to announce it on the show.
Howard asked if they learned how JD proposed. Robin said he just walked through the door and did it because the ring was burning a hole in his pocket. Robin said she said it was hard to understand him when he did it. Howard said imagine marrying a guy like that. Robin wished she could have heard that proposal.
Howard said he has such a fucking day today. He said he has to see his dermatologist again. He said it's not a big deal to go but he has an office in the worst location. He said you go there and there's a line at the elevator that goes out to the street. He said they're doing a renovation there. He said he asked if he can just walk up. He said they can he can't use the stairs. Howard said he just wants to walk up the steps. Howard said his one guy says he can get him up the steps. He said he hopes he runs into this guy. He said you get up and then you can't find the office. He said he's dreading going.
Howard said the dermatologist is a great guy but he wishes he'd move his office. Howard said he had a yearly checkup not too long ago and he went and he had been at the gym working out. He took a shower and he was still kind of disgusting. He said he was all disgusting and went to the appointment. He said he just stuck his clothes on. He had a wool sweater on and he had blotchy skin when he got there. He said he told the guy what it was but he said he has to see it again. He said it's gone but he has to go back. Howard said he needs help. Howard said now he has to go back today and it wouldn't be a big deal but he has a meeting at 4 and the shrink too. He said he's Mr. Meeting.
Robin asked if this is between the meetings. Howard said it takes like 40 minutes to get there but it's just a few blocks. Howard said people live in the country and have no idea how hard it is to get around there. Robin said she tried to get to the city during rush hour traffic and it took 4 hours. Howard said he has to go down there and he knows there's nothing wrong with him.
Howard said Mercedes and some other car company canceled their ads on Bill's show. Howard said Bill has William Devane and the gold thing and the Mesothelioma ads so he'll be fine. Robin said she got a settlement for the Mesothelioma thing. Howard asked how. Robin said that her father was a steel worker. She said he got a settlement and her mom got it and gave her some. Howard wondered how he can get in on that. Howard said that was nice of her mom to do that. Robin said she was nice like that. Howard said that was generous. Robin said she thought it was very nice.
Howard said Bill has those kind of sponsors. Howard said Mercedes doesn't need him but the Shoedini and companies like that need him. He said that they have something called vaginal mesh on there too. Robin said it's some kind of mesh they use to repair vaginas. Robin said some of the mesh went bad. Howard said someone said Bill hired a crisis consultant. Howard said you don't want people to know that though.
Howard said you can tell what kind of audience you have by the kind of ads they play. Howard had a montage of the ads they have on FOX News. Howard played that and they had a lot of older people targeted ads.
Howard said he hears some of this stuff and worries he might suffer from some of these things. Robin said when they came up with Restless Leg Syndrome she thought she might have that. Howard played more of the ads where they gave a bunch of crazy symptoms you might suffer from if you take certain medications.
Howard played a clip of what he'd like to hear in one of those ads. They had an announcer saying what you might get from these meds and it was all good stuff.
Howard said he's reading in the paper about what's going on at FOX News. He said they're talking about Roger Ailes and what he was up to over there. Howard said he was an admirer of what he had put together over there. He read about some of the stuff Ailes is accused of doing. Howard said he's 76 years old and he allegedly harassed a woman there who was 43 years old. Howard said he allegedly told her she should be in a relationship with older men because they always come back.
Howard read about Ailes telling the woman to come over and give him a kiss when she'd come in the room. Howard said that's just going too far. She also claims that he'd look down her dress. Howard said that's kind of hard to prove. Robin said not really.
Howard read about how Ailes talked about promoting her to a host from a contributor. Then in April of 2015 she was taken off the show she was on. Howard said it doesn't appear anyone got laid over there. Robin said it had to work sometimes. Howard said if he could be the head of The Five over there maybe he'd suck a cock.
Howard said he'd like to know if there's any woman who has such low self esteem that she did something with Ailes and O'Reilly. Howard said the poor women who are still there must worry that people think they're putting out if they're still there. Howard said he hopes they've cleaned up the situation over there.
Howard said he's reading the rest of this story. He said that Ailes denies all of these allegations. Howard said it's a good idea for Ailes to have a woman lawyer. Robin said he may have talked to Bill Cosby about how you have to deny, deny, deny.
Howard said he likes reading anything about FOX News. He said he went back and listened to Bill O'Reilly's audio book to find sexual harassment. He said he found some interesting passages. He played some audio that the guys had edited together. They had Bill saying he likes rubbing kosher falafel in a woman's pussy and things like that. Howard played one where Bill said he can't control himself when he sees massive titties.
Howard played one where Bill said he fucked Hillary Clinton's big cunt with a falafel. Howard asked what girl wouldn't want to fuck Bill because he's so hot. Howard said he's like the Brad Pitt of FOX News. That led to Howard talking about George Clooney and his wife. Howard said his wife is so hot. He said she's carrying twins around and she's still hot. Howard said George is really smitten.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he's doing. Howard said he's kind of tired. He said he did get to see The Walking Dead. Robin said that show is so beautiful that it deserves watching a second time. Robin said they have nuances that are brilliant in that show. Howard said he used to not like zombies but that show won him over. He said he watched Homeland too. He said it's a little over the top. He said that no one in the CIA knows what's going on. Howard said Carrie doesn't know how to get her baby back. He said she's the first upper class white woman to lose her baby. Howard said that one guy never dies. He said he does like the show though. He said he likes Into the Badlands as well.
Howard said he had a bit of a marathon. He asked what the caller was saying. The caller said he's been listening since 1980 something. He said back in the day the Christian Coalition tried to destroy Howard. He said he thinks that they're trying to do that to FOX News. Howard said this is a case of the women who worked there claiming these things. Howard said it's not people outside the company. Howard said it's not the same thing. The caller said that they were fired and now they're claiming all of this shit. Howard asked if he thinks they were plants. The caller said no but now that they were let go they're making these claims. The caller said this stuff is probably going on in every work place. Robin said she's not sure what he's saying. She asked if the women should just be quiet if it's going on. The caller said no. He said the world is fucked up now. He said you say anything and you offend people. Robin said you should keep your mouth shut and just work. Howard said go home and fool around.
Howard said he doesn't know. He said there's something going on over there. Howard said you can't tell a girl to blow you for a promotion ever. Howard said you can't do that in any job. Howard said you can't ask for a kiss at work. Fred played some creepy Ronnie sex tip clips while Howard was talking about that.
Howard said that guy must be more of a Blake Shelton fan. Howard took a call from one of the guys in the back who does an impression of that angry political guy. He spent a minute talking to him. He argued with him like the guy does on his show. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard read the article about the guy and because there are so few women over there he doesn't have much choice. Howard said the guy wants the robot to walk and do household chores. Howard said she weighs about 60 pounds. Howard said that sounds about right. Howard said the reaction to this has been mixed.
Howard said they wonder if he's going to upgrade the robot to look old as he ages. Howard said he'll keep her looking young. Howard said he thinks this guy has a long term plan to be a loser.
Howard said JD would be doing this if he didn't work there. Howard said he got a woman because he works there. Howard said he has a bunch of clips from a Netflix documentary from 2010. Howard said he's been meaning to play this for a while now. He said this documentary features guys who have sex robot fetishes. Howard played a clip where they fill you in on sex robot technology. In the clip they were talking about the thousands of men around the United States who have this obsession. They had audio of a guy talking to a woman who was doing a robot voice as he told her what to do.
Howard said one of the guys talks about how he got into the female robot world. Howard played that clip and the guy was talking about how he got into it as a child. Howard said he loves how they go on TV to talk about this. Howard said the robot on Lost in Space was a big, bulky guy. Howard said that thing looked like a can opener and this guy was wondering if he could do things to it. Howard said all of these losers give themselves weird names like Delosian. Howard said JD was DaBadAss. Howard said he's just mad at JD for not giving them the exclusive with his proposal.
Howard played another clip where a guy was talking about having a Real Doll and talking about having sex with it but it's far from a FemBot. Howard said the guy pretends it's a broken robot. Howard said he should be pretending it's a real woman. Robin said how about pretending that you have a personality.
Howard played more audio of a guy talking about how it's hard to be intimate with a piece of equipment. Howard asked if the woman who married a bridge is more stable than this. Robin said they're all pretty out there. Howard said every cool invention is related to porn. Robin said it was great to get video over internet. Howard said we're going to have robots like this because of porn.
Howard said that this guy talks about his dolls having different personalities. Howard played that clip and the guy was talking about how his robot responds differently than other robots.
Howard had another clip of a guy who has a girlfriend and he photoshops her into pictures to make her look like a robot. Howard said that's pretty weird too. Howard said he'd sleep with one eye open if he was that guy's girlfriend.
Howard said Bill O'Reilly just asked if you can rub falafel on a robot's vagina. Howard had another clip of a guy talking about how he brought his girlfriend to a hypnotist to get her to act like a robot. They had audio of the hypnotist doing her thing.
Howard said he wants to know when he gets laid. Howard said imagine going to your girlfriend telling her that you want her to be a robot. Howard said he takes her to a hypnotist to get that done. Howard said he wants to meet the woman who would go along with that. Robin said she's heard some really crazy things.
Howard played audio of the guy who had his girlfriend hypnotized talking to her as a robot. Howard said ''What a creep.'' Then he had her kiss him. Robin said it's getting pretty creepy. Robin asked what they're going to do when they see the show ''Humans'' where the robots are beautiful. Howard said they're hot on Westworld too. Robin said you can command them to have sex with you. Robin said some robots are just designed for sex.
Howard said his vacuum cleaner has him in the friend zone and he hasn't fucked her in weeks. Howard said if the robots looked like Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina then they're talking something different. Robin said she might beat his ass.
Howard said he ordered a sex robot and he's going to wheel her in now. Howard had the guys bring her in. He said he's sure they'll be done with this in a few seconds. The Robot said she was initiating horniness. She said she has many ways of making losers shoot their goo. Howard said he's going to try this out. Howard said he's going to try rough sex. The robot opened up with a chain saw sound. Howard tried a Berlin special and it was the robot shitting. They had a Cosby mode where it drinks something and passes out into sleep mode.
Howard said he has Gary mode too. The robot is a teen giving anal and then shitting out Gary's load. Howard said the robot has a Ronnie Mode where it transforms into a girl who finds old men attractive. Howard asked if they've had enough of this. Howard said he has a Fred Mode too. She said that Fred creeps her out so she can't go into that mode. Howard said poor Fred is the brunt of the joke again. Fred said he's fine.
Howard asked the robot what she would do if she had to fuck Benjy. She initiated a self destruct and blew up. Howard said Richard had a fried who used to fuck a vacuum cleaner in front of him. Howard said he would advise against that. Howard said he knew a guy who almost lost his penis doing that. He said there are blades and stuff in there.
Richard came in and told Howard about this guy. He said he was the worst liar too. He said they'd be watching dirty movies and he'd say he was going to clean his room upstairs. He said they'd sneak and watch him so he didn't know they saw him doing it. Richard said he used to do the inside of paper towel rolls. Howard said that's a depraved guy. Richard said you have to do what you have to when you don't get laid for 10 years. Richard said he didn't get laid for 10 years when he was living in the storage unit. He said he had to find the right brand with the right size tube in it. He said he would lube it up and stick it in the crease of a couch. He had a futon. Howard asked if it had friction. Richard said it did. He said he didn't do anything creepy to the couch. Robin asked why he had to stick it in a couch. Richard said that way it held still. Howard said he's like a perverted MacGyver. He said that he knew a guy who had a pillow and he would put cotton and stuff around it so it felt like pubic hair and he'd fuck the pillow. Howard said that never inspired him to do anything like that. Howard said jerking off was always enough for him.
Howard said he's shocked that Richard wasn't able to get laid when he was in a rock band. He said he should have been able to get someone. Howard asked Richard if his wife is the girl he got after not having anyone for a while. Richard said that's pretty much it. He said that she knows. Howard said she might not have married him if she knew that. Howard said she does like him though. Richard said he loves her too. He said she's awesome and she's a keeper.
Robin said she wonders if he can be good in bed. Richard said he has learned some things. Howard let him go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that TMZ had a story about Mel B and how she's claiming her husband did some crazy stuff to her. There are stories about her forcing her into threesomes and things like that. Howard said he's going to keep his mouth shut about that. He said that whole fucking scene is weird. Gary said she has a whole list of allegations against the guy. He said her claim is that when she got too big he had to shut her down so he'd allegedly beat her on the nights of big events for her. Howard said he has no comment. He said he could give them a whole fucking hour on that though. Robin said she's gone to a judge about getting a restraining order for her and her kids. Howard said he's not going to say anything. He said when he was working at America's Got Talent he heard lots of things.
Gary said one of the claims is that there's a sex tape of her that he was holding against her. Howard said he'd like to see that but not if it's used in a blackmail kind of thing. Gary asked if he would rather see that or a Heidi tape. Howard said he'd rather see Heidi. He said he likes seeing famous people having sex. He said he loved the Pamela and Tommy Lee tape. He said he likes seeing celebrities having sex. He said he'd even watch a Howie Mandel sex tape. He said he was wondering what was going on with Mel B and her husband. Howard said it was a weird scene.
Howard said people think he's weird sexually but he's not. He said it turns out Roger Ailes is the weird one. Howard said the funny thing is that people who talk about sex as not a big deal, they're not hung up on sex. Howard said he doesn't get all of this nonsense that's going on. Howard said he might be the only normal one out there.
Robin said Mike Pence has weird rules about women. He won't go out and drink without his wife around. Howard said that tells you that the guy is out of control. He said he's never thought about not being able to act on something in a room with a woman. Howard said he could have 20 drinks and he'd never cheat on his wife. Robin said you want a guy who won't even think about that. She said that it's not someone you have locked in handcuffs. Robin said you lose something when you have rules like that. Howard said Trump must be freaked out by that story.
Howard said he wants to get this drug HGH. Howard said there's this guy who started using it a few years ago and he changed his aging body. Howard said he had arthritis and he started taking this stuff and all of his problems disappeared and his hair got thicker too. Howard said that sounds impressive. Howard said that's what one of those baseball guys was accused of taking. Howard said he's not sure who that was. Fred said it may have been Andy Petit. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard read more about the HGH thing and how you can get it covered under health coverage. Howard read about what this doctor can do. Robin said you start to lose HGH when you grow up. Howard said they say that Oliver Stone, Sylvester Stallone and others have taken this according to the article. Howard read more of the article about that. Howard said he's sure that stuff will kill you. He read some of the things that you can get from taking it. Robin said they knew someone who was on that stuff and he's no longer with us.
Howard said Chelsea Handler is coming in. He said he doesn't get to see her much. He said she's West Coast. He said she went to Netflix and he wonders if she hates them now too. Robin said she was looking for something to watch and she saw her on Election night crying. Howard said she's like him and gets negative like he does after working for someone for a few years. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he has Chelsea Handler there. He said her show debuts on April 14th on Netflix. Howard said she's experimenting to see if she can have a talk show that streams. Howard asked if she lost a lot of weight. Chelsea said he asks her that every time. Howard asked if she has had any work done. Chelsea said she has some filler done from time to time. Howard said she looks very youthful. Chelsea said she doesn't lie about that stuff and she hasn't really had any work done. Howard said she seems to be smiling and beaming. Chelsea said it's good to see Howard. Howard said he's glad to see her too.
Chelsea said there are so many things to be joyful about. Howard asked if she worries about getting into a twitter war with someone like Donald Trump Jr. Howard asked if she's worried that something could happen with her career. Chelsea said Trump doesn't even have control over his own administration. Chelsea said she's been audited just about every year so she doesn't worry about that. Howard said he has been audited too. Chelsea said she's happy to pay her taxes. Howard said the thing with the Twitter war is that she thinks social media is gross. Chelsea said she likes Twitter. She said Instagram is kind of gross with the filters. She said that you can't look great all the time so why pretend? Howard said that regular people want to look good too. He said he has to filter as much as possible.
Howard said Chelsea started in with Donald Trump Jr. Howard said he's having a baby and she said ''Oh god not another kid with those genes.'' Chelsea said she spelled it ''Jeans'' too and that's because she's stoned or buzzed almost all the time. Chelsea said she likes to have something in her system at night time.
Howard said someone offered Chelsea a mint with opium in it and she got all fucked up and then someone told her it was just a mint. Chelsea said she was told they had hashish at this Indian wedding. She said she was convinced she was hallucinating. She thought she was fucked up and she may have just been hallucinating from being in India. Chelsea said she was told that they looked it up and it was just some spice that was like opium. She said after that they told her she didn't take it. She said she was acting like she was high for the next 7 hours.
Howard said Chelsea gets high a lot. Chelsea said she thinks it's good for your brain. Howard asked if she tells her staff to do it. Chelsea said she suggested it. She said they don't have to. She said they might be rewarded if they do take it.
Howard asked if she takes her staff to Mexico every year. Chelsea said it's not a retreat or anything but they went on a camping trip in California. She said they don't have to go. She said anyone who wants to go can go. Howard said he would go to suck up to his boss. Chelsea said you don't have to do that.
Howard said that he'd do it so he doesn't get fired. Howard asked if she gets them all high. Chelsea said she doesn't get them high but they can do drugs and she'll do it with them. Howard asked if she gets naked out there. He said she seems to be happy with her body. Chelsea said she's really not. She said she went through a phase when she was showing her boobs. Howard said she has great boobs. Chelsea said they're funny to her. She said she thinks she looks like an idiot. Howard said they're real too, right? Chelsea said they are real. Howard said they're so big and she's not a big woman. Howard said it's a genetic feat. Howard said you don't see that very much. Chelsea said her teeth are her's too. She said she's very proud of those two things. Howard asked if she thinks she has good breasts. Chelsea said she does but when you have big ones they can be embarrassing. She said they were very embarrassing when she was 14.
Chelsea said she likes showing her boobs off but only to show that she can do it. She said she's not trying to be sexy when she does it. She said that if she wants to take her top of she wants to be able to do it. She said guys can walk around with their shirts off so why not her.
Howard said Chelsea did an event with Gloria Steinham recently. Chelsea said she's great and she has such dignity and elegance. Howard asked if they got topless on stage. Chelsea said that came much later. Howard asked if it's like Lena Dunham because he thinks she's doing it as a statement. Howard asked if she likes Lena. Chelsea said she does. She said she thinks her show is great. Howard asked if she has girls she likes to hang out with and then she dumps them. Chelsea said if you piss her off she gets really pissed. She said if you lie to her or lie about her then she gets really pissed. Howard said he's a little scared of her. She said maybe he should be.
Howard asked if Mary McCormack is still her friend. Chelsea said yes she is. Howard asked if Whitney is still a friend. Chelsea said she hasn't spoken to her a lot lately. Howard asked if Jennifer Aniston is still a friend. She said she is. She said they haven't spoken since she was on her show last though.
Howard asked how she got into Goldie Hawn's life. Chelsea said she knows Kate Hudson and she hangs out with her. Howard asked what she's like to hang out with. Chelsea said she's fun. Howard asked if she gets high. Chelsea said she's never gotten high with Kate. She said she got to hang out with her mom Goldie Hawn and she's great to hang out with. She said they have a place in Aspen and they hung out there. Howard asked how long she hung out there at Goldie's house. Chelsea said that she was there for hours and she ended up getting driven home by them and they said they wished she was part of their family. She said that's all she ever wanted to hear. She said that they're great to hang out with. She said Goldie and Kurt are just great people.
Howard asked if Goldie is a pain in the ass mom to Kate. Chelsea said she doesn't think so at all. She said that she lost her phone there at their house and they were all looking for it. She said that Kurt and Goldie were all looking for it. She said she had to get out of there soon after that. Chelsea said she had to figure out who her carrier was and then get out of the store.
Howard said that Chelsea left E! and she was freaked out by what went on there. Howard said he watches the late night talk shows and they don't really talk and then you have the sidekick and it's such a formula. Howard asked what happened to the guy she had on her show. Chelsea said he had a reality show and he may have opened a taco stand. She said he texts her once every 6 months or so. Howard asked if it was hard for him not to be part of her Netflix show. Chelsea said she was so burnt out on that show and she had to do something different. Chelsea said she didn't care anymore. Howard asked if she regrets what she said about E! after she left. Chelsea said not at all. She said she could have been less outspoken about it but she doesn't think that much about it. She said it wasn't a great relationship and it was their fault for lying to her about things repeatedly. She said if you lie to her twice then she's pissed off. Howard asked what it was that they lied about. Chelsea said she's not even sure. She said that they told her they were going to change the programming and it was all bullshit. She didn't like being around the Kardashians. Howard said if they're the lead in then they bring an audience to her. Chelsea said it wasn't the same audience. She said that she hates the Kardashians and the people watching them aren't watching her show.
Howard asked if they were telling her they were going to get other shows for her. Chelsea said they were doing other stuff and E! never executed it properly. She said she asked them to do these things for her and she thought she could have some input into that.
Howard asked how it is going to Netflix and if she misses any of the E! stuff. Howard said she had some cache over there. Chelsea said she thinks they have more at Netflix than on E!. Howard asked if everyone is cool over there at Netflix. Chelsea said they have been good. She said they let her go all over the world to shoot her show. She said she likes to travel. Howard said it sounds horrible to him. He said he hates to travel. Howard said they ask him to go other places and he's not sure what's going to happen there. He said he'd rather just stay there.
Robin said she's sure there's something different going on in India. Chelsea said that Howard would be disgusted by India. She said with him being a germophobe he's going to hate it.
Howard asked who else was in aspen. Chelsea said that Kevin Hart was there. Howard said he's had him on the show. Gary said he's going to be there in a month. Chelsea told him to shut up.
Howard said that Chelsea had some problems with the show when she started. She had to change the Executive Producer over there. Chelsea said she did and it wasn't fun to let someone go. Howard asked how they were put together. Chelsea said there's not a great way to figure out how it's going to be until you work with someone for a few months. Howard said you don't want to be a bad person and pull the plug on employment but you have to do it. Chelsea said it was before they started to shoot the show. She said that she's not good at that kind of stuff.
Chelsea said they got her back on track and told her to chill out and just do her thing. She said it kind of clicked and she got back into it. She said she kind of clicked back into it.
Howard said they were telling her to take over on CBS or something and it was kind of accepted that she might to go a network. Howard asked if she's interested in that. Chelsea said she's not into late night. She said she goes on the shows but she can't be in a corporate world like that. She said she can't not curse. She said you have to behave yourself and she can't do that. She said she's never been interested in that. She said she never thought about using that as a negotiating tool to get a job on a network. Howard asked if she watches Bill Maher or shows like that. Chelsea said she loves Bill Maher and she's going on this week. Howard said you have to go on and bone up on that political stuff. Robin said she does fine on that show.
Howard asked if Chelsea could be romantic with Bill Maher. Chelsea said she was in London recently with Eddie Izzard and he showed up to do the interview and he's really fit. She said he had long girl nails on and she was looking at him on the boat and she was wondering if she could date someone who is trans. She said as they were talking she learned that he's going to run for Parliament. She said she did this interview for like an hour and she was thinking about him. She said later that night they were outside a topless bar and he walked out in full on makeup and heels and she looked over and asked ''Is that Eddie Izzard?'' She said that just 8 hours earlier they had run into all of these big stars and then she was wondering what the fuck is going on. Chelsea said she can't believe she was thinking about dating that guy. Chelsea said he didn't even see her at that point.
Howard asked what's going on with her. He asked if she's having sex at all. Chelsea said she's not having sex. She said she doesn't have any sex stories for him. Howard said she's looking good. Chelsea said she had sex a few months ago in London. She said that was 3 different strangers over there. Chelsea said she found one at a party and one on an app called Raya. Chelsea said she had sex with a guy in London and her hair stylist works at a salon and she found out about the guy who had sex with her in London. Howard asked if they are one nighters. Chelsea said they are.
Robin asked what the Raya thing is. Chelsea said it's an app that's an industry thing. She said it's a lot of photographers, male models and people like that. She said you have to be famous or good looking to get in there. Howard asked if the other guy is famous that she met on there. Chelsea said that London men are fun. She said that they don't care so much over there. Chelsea said they have to put 7 pictures together with music playing behind it. She said she was going to hook up with a male model and he was talking about Trump in a way that turned her off. She said that she gets picky about that stuff. She said he was talking about Trump and she asked if he was a republican. She said she's fine with that and it might work for her job if she fucks someone like that. She said it got too heated.
Howard asked how this went from Bill Maher to Eddie Izzard. Chelsea said that they were talking about smart guys and dating. She said that she's not sure what Bill is up to. Howard said he can't see them getting along. Chelsea said they're both moody. Howard said they both like weed. Howard said he can't smoke that stuff. Chelsea said that Mary McCormack can's smoke it either. She said she just won't do it. Chelsea said some people it's just not for them.
Chelsea said the other night she was wiped out after traveling. She said that friends bring her edibles. She said that smoking is better for her but the edibles can really knock you down for the count. Chelsea said that she was on her couch watching Girls and she was laughing a lot. She said she realized she was stoned. She said they had a windstorm in L.A. and she opened up everything so the wind was blowing around. She said she put on some Neil Young and she was laying in bed listening to that and it was like the best time in her life. She said this is exactly what she had hoped adulthood would be like. She said she can do whatever the fuck she wants.
Howard said he doesn't think she could ever get married. Howard said she likes to be on her own. Howard asked if she did Ayahuasca. Chelsea said they talked about that last time. Howard said he could never do that. Howard said Beth wouldn't either. He said she would smoke weed. Chelsea asked if the cats do. Howard said her cats get high. He said he and Beth smoked pot together once. He said that she claims that they had great sex but he doesn't remember it that way. Howard said he got all bitten up by mosquitos after he smoked. He said that he can't smoke that shit. Chelsea said that you have to be very careful with what you smoke now. She said it can be very powerful.
Howard asked if Trump is doing anything that she likes. Howard said he was a big Hillary supporter and he thought that's where the country would end up. Howard said it didn't work out that way. Howard said Chelsea is talking about trump and it's a personal thing. Chelsea said she thinks his behavior is deplorable. She said he has no respect for the office he sits in. She said the dignity between Obama and this guy is so different. She said Steve Bannon looks like a Herpes sore and he acts like one too. She said that Sean Spicer looks like a potato. She asked how he can lie to the American people every day. Chelsea said she would like to see them do things for the poor people and different groups. She said that Trump doesn't know anything about his job. She said it's irresponsible not to speak up now.
Howard said Chelsea said she would move if trump became President. Chelsea said if he's there in 4 years she may move to Spain. She did buy a house there. Chelsea said she had a bunch of people on her show that day and it was tough to see this going on. Howard asked if she was live that night for her show. Chelsea said she went to Mary's house and Mary told her to come over. She said that Mary predicted that he was going to win. She said she thought there was no way he was going to win. Chelsea said they were all miserable that night.
Howard said Chelsea took a lot of shit when she said that she wouldn't interview Melania Trump because she can barely speak English. Chelsea said she really can't. She said that she can't speak Spanish herself so she would never go on a show and have to speak Spanish. She said she's never going to have Melania on to talk about her anti-bullying campaign for the internet. She said she's not going to stick up for her. She said when you marry someone like that then she's done sticking up for her.
Howard asked if she thinks Trump won't last 4 years. Chelsea said she thinks that something will come up and he won't last the full 4 years. Chelsea said that she can't see how he can be President and have no respect for the law. She said that he has access to the trusts he has and he can take money out of them at any time. She said he changed the law for that. Chelsea said that he's incriminating himself every time he says something. She said that he claims that he was being spied on and it's just that the Russians were being spied on and he was caught talking to them.
Howard asked if she ever met Trump before. Chelsea said she has the feeling talking to him is like talking to a water balloon. She said she did meet him once. She said hi and that was about it. She said she did say to her friend that he wasn't as gross a person as she thought he was at one time.
Chelsea said there was a reporter who wrote an article about how he thinks that Trump may have syphilis. She said that the symptoms kind of fit with the way he's acting. Howard said there is no evidence of that though. Chelsea said no but it was an interesting article.
Howard asked what Chelsea is listening to musically. She said she likes Alicia Keys. She said that she doesn't listen to a lot of music. She said she likes watching TV and Homeland. Howard said he likes that show too.
Howard said there's a great story about Chelsea and Florence Henderson. Howard said she partied with her just before she died. Chelsea said she met her at some event. Howard said she hit it off with her. Chelsea said they were both hosting the show and she met her back stage. She said she has that gossipy kind of personality. She said that Florence asked about what they were going to do about alcohol. She said that she wasn't sure because they were in a theater. Chelsea said she asked the publicist if they had any vodka and they did. She said she got Florence the drink and she later asked when they were going to get the fuck out of there. Chelsea said she was great and they got to hang out. She said that her daughter was there too and she said her mom is exactly what people think she is. She said they had a couple of cocktails and that was about it. Howard asked if she got to see her after that. Chelsea said she had her on her show shortly after that. She said she was great on the show. She said she filmed some great segments for the show and then she died. She said she couldn't believe it. Howard asked if she went to the funeral. Chelsea said she didn't.
Howard said the second season of her show is starting. Howard said it's called ''Chelsea'' and she's happy finally. Howard said he thought she was doing 3 shows a week. Chelsea said she's doing one hour a week now. She said she wanted to do that instead of the 3 shows. Chelsea said that Netflix came to her saying that's when everyone watches the shows so they could do that with 3 shows or just an hour.
Howard asked if Chelsea is doing stand up anymore. She said she stopped at 40. She said that she will be doing speaking engagements at colleges. Howard asked if she'd have Ivanka on her show. Chelsea said she should be embarrassed too. She said that her father is taking away women's rights. Chelsea asked how she can sit there while her father is doing this.
Howard asked if she goes to a college and a 21 year old wants to have sex with her, would she do it. Chelsea said of course she would. Howard asked if the kids have a shot. Chelsea said both boys and girls of course. Howard said she should go to a frat party and tape that. Howard said he'd watch that. Chelsea said she's not opposed to that. She said if she was going to do that she would go to college for a week. She said she never went. She said she wouldn't be opposed to that. Howard said he can see her at a frat party roofie'ing herself.
Howard said it's good to see Chelsea in a good frame of mind. Chelsea said last time she saw him she was already at Netflix so that's bull. She said she was already in a good frame of mind. Howard said she has a good attitude and she's got real teeth and real D-cup. Howard said he wonders what else is going on in her life. Howard said she must have something going on. He said he thinks they saw a 10th of what's going on. Howard asked what's going on with her.
Chelsea said that she doesn't know what arena he's talking about. Howard asked about celebrity men who have hit on her. Chelsea said they don't. She said that they think she'll go on Howard's show and talk about them. She said she had sex with a celebrity a year or two ago that Howard would be interested in talking about but she can't do that. Howard asked if it was Adam Sandler. Chelsea said no but he is in her first episode of her Netflix show. Howard asked if he knows this person. Chelsea said he does know this person. She said that they had sex like 5 or 6 times. Howard asked if she's been in love. Chelsea said he has of course. She said she expects a lot out of people. She said she's awesome and she delivers. She said she's a good girl.
Howard asked if this person was an A-list celebrity. Chelsea said she won't comment on that. She said that he may be less famous than her though. Howard said good for her. She said that the sex was great. She said it was funny, crazy and wild. Howard asked how it was fun. Chelsea said that it's just fun. She said when you like someone and you're into them and you're having a little affair and you get texted to come over it's fun. Howard said it sounds fantastic. Howard asked how she kept it out of the paper. Chelsea said that Mary may be the only one who knows who it is. Howard said he's going to call Mary to ask. He said she used to be more loyal to him but maybe she's more loyal to her now.
Howard asked if the guy wore a condom. Chelsea said yes. She said she has to have safe sex at 42. She said she has to be responsible. She said she had an abortion at 16 and it hasn't happened since then.
Howard asked where she's going next. Chelsea said she's going to the Today show. She said she's not sure when she's going to be on.
Howard said that Chelsea is doing her thing and doing what she wants with the Netflix show. Howard said give it a try and see what it's like. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard played some more of the Bill O'Reilly tapes that he played earlier in the morning. He said they should do some news.
Howard said that he was talking about Beth yelling at him about how he was laughing too hard at The Sopranos. Howard said that they really don't annoy each other. Howard said that he annoyed Beth and he went ''Oh no.'' He said when they got married they said if they got annoyed at each other that's it. Howard said she claims it was just a one off. He said he was just laughing really loud with the headphones on. Robin said that it was just a momentary thing. Howard said that he got annoyed with Fred 20 years ago and he's been annoyed the whole time.
Howard said Sal and Richard went on the street and asked people what they think about the wife getting annoyed. One woman said that now she's annoyed with him and now she's going to get into a fight and find a way to get out of the relationship so she can be with the guy who she wants to hear laugh. Howard said he's not going anywhere. He said he's the one who will stay.
Howard took a call from Chad from St. Louis who said he's kind of a hypocrite for saying he can't sleep. Howard said he did have trouble sleeping. He said that he was up a couple of hours. Howard said even if you don't sleep eventually you will. He said that you can be ragged out for a day or two. He said that Benjy has anxiety about sleep and tonight he should sleep. He said that he will get sleep at some point. He said he won't worry about it like Benjy does. Howard said if he's tired he goes to bed. He said he went to bed around 9 last night and got up at 2. He said he wishes he had slept longer but he didn't. He said that he can't say he has to work from home or anything. Chad said he's making it sound a lot easier than it is.
Robin said Benjy claims that his sleeping led to him being late at work. Howard isn't showing up late. Howard said they should start news.
Benjy came in and said he's pissed. He said that he's upset with what Howard says about him. Benjy said he was late 2 times in 5 years. Howard said he didn't say anything about that. He said that his sleeping isn't a problem. Benjy said it was a big problem for him. He said he doesn't get that. Howard said he heard his pants are really wrinkled today. Gary said he has to get a close look at him. Howard asked if those are sweatpants. Benjy said that they're fat pants. Benjy went off on Howard again and Howard said he's right. He said he understands. Benjy said he's just pissed but then he sees him and he likes him. Benjy said he wants to be back in there. Howard said this way he won't irritate him. Benjy said he loves Howard's laugh. Howard thanked him and kicked him out. He said he's a big, beautiful mess. Howard said Benjy had to have knit that cap himself. He said you can't buy that.
Howard said Charlie Sheen is upset with Jenny for saying that Charlie should have told her that he had HIV when he kissed her on his TV show. Charlie is upset because he says he didn't have HIV when he kissed her. Howard had a clip of Charlie talking about Jenny and how she should go back to math class because he didn't have it then. Howard had another clip of Charlie talking about how he's safer than most guys without HIV because of the super drug he's on. Howard said he's not sure how that's true. Howard said he likes how the hosts just go along with what he's saying.
Robin finally got to her news and started off with a story about the mail service. Robin said that there is a new USPS service that will let you see what will be in your mailbox that day. Howard said this is why we're a great country. Howard said that we are still one of the few countries that can deliver mail in a timely fashion. Robin said their bottom line is always in trouble. Howard said you can still drop a letter in a box and get it to someone. Robin asked if he understands the new service. Howard said it will let you track where your mail is. Robin said no, it lets you see what's on the way. Robin said you can sign up and it will give you an image of the letters and cards that are coming that day. Howard said it's free. He said that's his point. Howard said he was hoping they'd have nude women on stamps but this is good too.
Howard took a call from Steve from Florida and Shuli came in to talk about him being at Wrestlemania. Shuli said he spent just under $2,000 for him and 3 of his family to go. Steve said he spent another 800 on Raw last night. Howard asked where he gets that kind of money from. Steve said that he gets paid very well. Howard said he says ''Wery well'' when he says that. Steve said that he was right up close when he was at Wrestlemania. He said the heat was bad so his hair was a mess. Shuli said he's out there telling people he's Bobo when he goes to these things. Howard asked if he has a favorite wrestler. Steve said he likes Roman Rains. Shuli asked why he wears a Goldberg shirt. Steve said his wife is a big Roman Rains fan. Howard said he doesn't have time for this. Robin said the interesting thing he said is that his wife is a big wrestling fan. Steve said he sent Shuli pictures of his family but just don't post them. Steve said that Pitbull was there performing ''Red Light, Green Light.'' Howard said imagine that he spent 2 grand on that. Steve said it took him 7 hours to get home. Howard said he's had enough. They played Steve off with a song parody.
Howard had some audio of Steve leaving a voicemail telling Shuli what accounts to watch on Instagram and things like that. They played another song parody about Steve and then Howard did a live commercial read.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Chelsea Handler isn't fucking anyone famous. He said no one wants to fuck her. He said that's why she's on all of these sites. Howard said that's not true. The caller said she can't keep her fucking mouth shut and that's why no one wants to fuck her. Howard asked if he'd fuck her. The caller said no way. He said there's nothing more unattractive than a woman like that. Howard thanked him for the call.
Robin read a story about Daniel Craig coming back to do another James Bond movie. Robin said it's just one more. Robin said that they considered Tom Hiddleston for the role but they went back to Daniel Craig.
Robin said that Mel B is describing a nightmare of a life with her husband Stephan Bellafonte. Robin read some of the claims that are in the news today.
Robin read a story about Harrison Ford being able to keep his pilot's license after he landed on the wrong runway at an airport in California. Robin said he landed on a taxiway instead of a runway. He came within 100 feet of a 747 that had people on board. Howard said we have to keep him flying under any circumstance. He said he's the only guy who can fly. He said he should stick to flying the Millennium Falcon. He said he did well with that. He said he did have Chewie though. Howard said the guy might have to stop flying.
Robin read a story about Roman Polanski being denied access to the United States. Robin said he is 83 years old now. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about someone asking for more of an investigation into Bill O'Reilly and his sexual harassment allegations.
Robin read a story about a woman who choked and died after a pancake eating contest at a college. Robin read the details of that story. Robin read a story about another man who died eating a donut in a donut eating contest.
Robin read a story about a spaghetti donut that someone came up with. Howard said JD came in his pants after hearing that. Robin said the donut has spaghetti in it and it's flavored with spaghetti toppings. Howard said that's just another way to suffocate. Howard said sometimes he eats too fast and that's his worst fear. Howard said he eats like a wolf. Howard said people ask him questions when he's eating and he can't eat and talk at the same time. Howard said he doesn't mind if they talk but he can't talk back at them.
Robin read a story about a woman who was accepted to all 8 ivy league colleges. Howard said she should be okay in life. Robin said they never hear what happens to them after they go on. Robin said someone needs to follow up. Robin said she was accepted to Harvard and then to the other schools so she's not sure where to go. Howard said Harvard is the place. He said that's the place where you should go. He said that's a prestigious name. Howard said Yale is great but then they think you couldn't get into Harvard. Howard said she should go to Harvard. Howard said Conan O'Brien went to Harvard. He said he thinks that's a smart fucking guy if he went there. Howard said he has a guy from Adelphi producing his show. Howard said you go to Harvard. He said that's what he would do. Robin said this woman is considering her options. Robin said that she's going to follow the money trail.
Howard asked if anyone there has ever gone to a decent college. Gary said Sal went to Suffolk County College. Howard said everyone at Letterman had people from Harvard. Howard said Richard lived in a storage unit. He said Will went to Newhouse in Syracuse. Howard said there you go. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said Netflix has a show coming out and the guy proves there's an afterlife. Howard said it's irrefutable proof. Howard said that people start killing themselves when they find out. He said he's going to watch that. Robin said she has to see what they're doing with this kind of premise.
Robin read a story about a new law that says internet people can share your information with others. Howard said go ahead and share it. Robin said some of the porn sites stepped up. Howard said he was jerking off last night on YouPorn. He said the whole screen went black and a pop up came up asking if he wanted to watch girls on camera now. Howard said the only option was ''Okay'' and he didn't want to press that. Howard said he got out of the porn and shut it all down. Howard said he went back on and found a new porn. He said the same message popped up. He said this is very dangerous. He said he got out of it again and got back on YouPorn. He said it happened a third time. He said he's there with a boner in the nude. He said he just hit ''Okay'' because he didn't care at that point. Howard said he got back to his business and he's not sure what it did when he hit okay. Robin said YouPorn is adding encryption to its site to help keep people's privacy safe. Howard said he's all for that when she puts it that way.
Robin read a story about another woman filing a suit against FOX News and Roger Ailes and others. Robin read the details of the case. They talked about that earlier in the morning.
Robin read a story about the Bill Cosby court trial that's going on. Robin read how they're going to have the jury coming in from Pittsburgh to Norristown for the trial.
Robin read a story about a guy who came to New York just to kill black people. Robin said they're having trouble finding a lawyer for the guy.
Robin read a story about how Donald Trump is donating part of his salary to the park service. Robin had some audio of Sean Spicer talking about that.
Robin read a story about Chelsea Clinton promoting her new book and talking about how she doesn't think her mom is going to be running for office again. Robin had some audio of Chelsea talking about that.
Robin read a story about some teens who raped someone and streamed it on Facebook. Robin said two teens are facing charges in Chicago for that. Robin had some audio of a police officer talking about how they found the suspects.
Robin read a story about Eddie Van Halen releasing some new tracks. Robin had some examples of what they're talking about. Robin said this was something he did for a movie back in 1984. Robin said the track is out now and being streamed by the Van Halen News Desk. Robin said he's releasing that and some other tracks he did for films.
Robin read a story about a study that finds obesity leading to early death. Robin read some details about that.
Robin read a story about Mercedes Benz working on driverless cars. Robin said they're looking to get them out by the next decade. Robin said they have some semi autonomous features in their S class cars. Howard said this is going to be good. He said it will avoid a lot of accidents. Robin said she wants to know who is responsible if your automated car gets into an accident. Howard said he needs less Ronnie in his life so he needs this. Howard said it's very good and you still have to pay attention but the car will avoid and see things that perhaps you'll miss because of driver error. Howard said there you go. Robin said it's still fun to drive. Howard said you can still drive if you want to. He said at least this way he won't have to have a guy calling him Dickass and Dickboy in the driver seat.
Robin read a story about blues musician Lonnie Brooks dying. Robin said he was 83. He was in the movie Blues Brothers 2000. Howard said he must not have made a lot of money. Robin said he died on Saturday night according to his son. Robin had some of his songs for Howard to play. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show trying to sing along to his opening theme song. He can't remember the lyrics though. Howard said Robin is good with the words. Robin said it's with the tune that makes it easier. Howard said she never told him that.
Howard said he got some sleep but woke up early again last night. He said he has a lot of issues. He said they're there and talking all morning. He said he's kind of talked out. He said he was talking to the guys and it was pretty interesting. He wanted to open the microphone for that. He said he can recall that. It was a lot of Bill O'Reilly talk. He said that's pretty interesting. He said Bill Maher were saying that he shouldn't come down for a joke he made about the woman who was wearing the James Brown wig. He said no one has a sense of humor about the sexual harassment thing though. Howard said there have been a lot of sponsors who have pulled ads from O'Reilly's show but it doesn't affect FOX because they just move them to other shows. Howard said they just give his show more commercials. He said that's what he's guessing.
Howard said he was wondering who was on O'Reilly's show last night. Robin said he has different commentators in each segment. Robin said they have two men or two women. He said when the two women are on she think he's going to be into that. Howard said you wonder who he's trying to finger under the table.
Howard asked JD who was on the show. He had a list of advertisers who stuck with the show. JD ran down some of the companies who are sticking with the show. He said AT&T is sticking with him. He said Home Depot too. Robin said they must not care about women. JD said they had 7 ads for Voya a financial services firm. Howard asked if the women were covered up or wearing mini skirts and stuff. Robin said they don't show legs. Robin said they just have them in little boxes. Robin said the republican woman is the one who is usually dolled up on the show.
Howard said he wanted women to go on with a luffa. He said he doesn't know who even uses a luffa. He said that's from the old days.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said Kimberly Guilfoyle looked like she was bundled up for Winter last night. Howard said she always shows something on the show. Robin said everyone was covered up to their neck. Howard said everyone knows she loves to show them off. Mark said she doesn't normally wear glasses. He said she was wearing them on the show last night. Howard said they must be trying to ugly her up. Mark said he's ruined the whole network. Howard said they have the hottest chicks on that network. He said they had a woman who worked there as a contributor and the wardrobe department only had miniskirts and stuff. They don't have pants. Howard said that this is a woman named Jedediah talking about that. He played the clip and she talked about how they don't let you wear orange and they don't have pants there to wear so she had to pick a skirt.
Mark said this is going to be like when Coke changed their formula. He said they can't mess with it like that. Howard said now that Roger Ailes is gone they're going to change. He said he didn't let women age. He said he'd change them out before they got old.
Mark said that there's another hot chick who works there. Howard said he hasn't been watching much lately. He said that he's watching MSNBC lately. He said yesterday Jon and Gary had Anna Kooiman on the Wrap Up Show. He said she's left FOX and she's doing something else. Gary said she wore a dress. Gary said it was short enough. Howard wondered if O'Reilly gets boners during his show. Robin said he must have.
Howard played a phony phone call Richard made to a Tradio show where he tried selling his Bill O'Reilly items. In the call he rattled off a ton of items he had purchased from Bill. The guy had to cut Richard off but Richard called back in a short time later and just kept talking.
Howard said they tried to use Bill O'Reilly voice clips but sometimes it's hard to understand. Howard played a clip of one they edited together and it was hard to understand. The had him talking about ladies entering his no spin cock zone or something. Howard said that they do try.
Howard said they put so many resources into those clips. He played a song and they had to do a lot of editing for that. Howard played a clip and they had Bill saying all kinds of weird stuff.
Howard asked how Anna Kooiman didn't get propositioned by Bill O'Reilly. Gary said JD said she was always on in the morning. Howard said maybe Roger Ailes came in later in the morning and didn't have time to get to her. Howard said Bill is on late at night. He said the other two dudes who sat with her are pretty straight shooters so they must not have bothered her.
Howard said he has Bill O'Reilly's penis on the phone. Howard took the call from the guys in the back who were doing a bit.
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Howard said he brought that to the CW and they told him to fuck off. He said NBC has shown some interest. He said the catholic channel there is simulcasting that. He said maybe Netflix will buy it because they buy everything.
Howard said Boy is played by Steve Nowicki who goes out there and does this stuff. Howard said they have a priest collar he wears. Howard said they did that on Ash Wednesday. Gary said that they get all dressed up and they're all excited to go out there to do it. He said that Steve wears the knee socks when he goes out in shorts. Howard said that's known as Priest and Boy. Howard said that was really good. He said they just can't sell it right now.
Howard said they talked about Bill O'Reilly for a long time. He said JD gave him the list of advertisers that are still on the show. He said they did that already.
Howard said someone said that JD was tweeting with Samantha Bee the other day on Twitter. Howard asked what's going on there. JD came in and said they're friendly. Howard said that's mind blowing to him. JD said it is to him too. He said they talk about each other's shows. He said she loves the show. JD said they do that in direct message. He said he's not doing it publicly. Howard asked if that blows Robin's mind. Robin said it does.
Howard asked how many times he does that with her. JD said it's just here and there. He said if he sees something on her show he'll tell her what he likes. He said there was a show where they connected the conservative movement and some other movement. Howard said he'd like to see that. Howard asked JD about the piece and JD didn't remember details. Howard said you'd think he'd remember that.
JD was having trouble getting things out so they played a song parody about JD's mumbling. They played a bit where JD had trouble saying something.
Gary said they found out that Anna Kooiman and JD had some conversations on Twitter. Howard asked if he went over to see her on the Wrap Up Show. JD said he almost did but he had a meeting and he didn't get over there. He said it's probably for the best. Howard said he was having a Filet-O-Fish with George Clooney. JD said he's a much better communicator when he's not staring at someone. Howard said Samantha Bee must be a smart person. JD said she is. Howard asked if she's married. JD said she is. Howard asked where she came from all of a sudden. JD said she was on the Daily Show and TBS gave her a late night TV show.
Gary said they found out that JD was friends with Samantha was when he came in and said he's going to her big show the night of the Correspondents dinner. Gary said he wanted to go and he told JD he was dying to go. He said JD went and got him an invitation. Howard asked if he's inviting her to his wedding. JD said he's not doing that because it's going to be a small wedding.
Howard said JD's girlfriend is on the phone. He took a call from the guys in the back who were disguising their voice to sound like an old clip where she did that to be on the air. They goofed on JD for a short time. Howard asked ''her'' some questions about what it's like living with JD. She said that JD is fat and disgusting and JD said she should take a look at herself. Howard asked what he's saying there. JD said they know. Howard played another bit where JD was having trouble saying some stuff.
Howard asked JD what he said to Anna Kooiman. JD said she was asking to be on the Wrap Up Show. He said she wanted to promote something. Howard said he thinks that he'd have her on the show just to look at her. Howard asked what she does. Gary said she taught fitness classes and stuff like that. Howard said that's why they have to commend Roger Ailes. He said he could spot some chick who was doing that in North Carolina and get her up there to put her on TV.
Howard asked who the guy is she married who brought her to Australia. Gary said she said she met him in the city and they moved there. He said she's very happy to be living there.
Howard said the rich guys always swoop in and take these women from FOX. Howard said Roger Ailes must have scoured gyms all over the country. JD said he has a good eye. Howard said he gets them there and then he can't get them to get him off. He said he gives them a job and then they don't do anything. Howard said if he worked at FOX News he's sure he could work some of those women without getting in trouble like Bill O'Reilly. He said that guy doesn't know how to play it.
Howard did an impression of O'Reilly and had him talking to this woman about a dream he had about her. He gave a bunch of creepy details that he might tell the woman. Howard said women don't want to hear your fantasies. He said that's the mistake these guys are making.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this whole Bill O'Reilly thing is creepy but years ago they had a woman there who had two life saving transplants and she called into the show. She said this person was an illegal immigrant and her friend wasn't able to get on the transplant list. She said that he gave out her web site information so she could get on the transplant. Howard said that he might have done something nice but he's also doing it on the air. Howard said he's not saying he's not charitable. Howard said he did an interview with the guy and he was kind of arrogant to him. He said he had just started at Sirius and Bill said he was going to ''let him'' do a segment on his show. He said he told him he had to be fucking kidding him. Howard said the balls on this guy. He said Bill can't afford him. He said he thought that he was going to do something like Adam Carolla on his show. Howard said he's not going to do that. He said the guy is so arrogant. Howard said he could have said he was honored to have him do something on his show. He said he could have been nice about it but he wasn't. He said the guy has a bad attitude.
Howard said he wishes he felt that good about himself. He said Bill talks about how he's going to luffa a woman and then tells her he's going to let her make him a coffee when he's done. Howard said people in show business are fucked up. Robin said that regular people do weird stuff too.
Howard said Bill has a huge opinion of himself. The caller said she has a small place in her heart for the guy. Howard asked if she has a web site to promote. The caller said her friend would have never had the transplant if he hadn't given out her web site. Howard said he also gives money to fallen veterans too. Howard said he's not all bad. He said no one is all bad. The caller said maybe he's a good asshole. Howard said that's it. He's a good asshole.
Howard said it's the hypocrisy that he doesn't like. He said these people are up to shenanigans and they act all high and mighty. He said he has to admit he loves the hypocrisy.
Howard got back to JD and asked about how often he talks to Samantha Bee. JD said it's just here and there. Howard said he has celebrity friends. Howard asked if he messages Jillian Barberie too. JD said he does. Howard said JD didn't have friends before he came there. Howard asked if he thinks that he could go to her house. JD said he did go to a taping of Samantha's show. He said he met her after the show. He said he said hello and told her it was a great show. He said she said it was nice to meet him and she's glad he could come out. Howard said he's friends with Natalie Maines too. JD said they talk about documentaries and stuff. Howard asked what documentaries they talk about. JD said she got mad at him for seeing Tickled before she did. Howard said he has to see these conversations. JD said there are a few people who chat. He said it's Jenny Johnson. JD said they added him into the conversation.
Howard said that JD is a fucking lunatic. He asked if he's still in touch with Ashley Dupree. JD said no. He said that was a long time ago. Howard asked if he direct messages Sarah Silverman. JD said she doesn't follow him. Howard asked about the Kardashians. JD said no. Howard asked if Zach Braff messages him. JD said no to that too. He said he's a nice guy though. Howard said he's come a long way since Kissyfur. JD said yes he has.
Howard said he heard that JD is friends with a hot anchor from FOX 5. JD said that he has talked to Jennifer Lahmers. Gary mentioned some other people as well. Howard said he's a big deal all of a sudden. JD said everyone should watch her show. Robin asked what he's going to wear to this party he's going to. JD said it's a Not So Correspondents Dinner. He said it's black tie. He said they're doing it earlier. JD said they haven't given a lot of details about it. Gary said it's earlier in the day so people can go to that and to the Correspondents dinner.
Howard asked JD who the most famous person is that he direct messages with. JD said there's no one he does it regularly with. JD said he has done it with Amy Schumer before. Howard asked if he hits these people up immediately. JD said he thanks them for following him and says he's a fan. Howard asked if he was annoyed he had to get Gary into the Samantha Bee party. JD said that he wasn't annoyed. He said it all turned out fine. He didn't want to make it weird. Howard asked if he went right to her. JD said he did. Howard said he annoyed her on the DM. JD said he did.
Gary came in and showed Howard the picture of this woman Jennifer Lahmers that JD talks to. Howard said she's like Angelina Jolie. Howard asked how he got to talk to her. JD said he found out she was a fan of the show. Howard said she's hot. JD said she was married but she got divorced. Howard said that he can't imagine anyone would divorce her. Robin said many beautiful women are divorced. Howard said no guy who runs a golf channel would leave her. Gary said maybe she left him. Howard said even if she had shit breath he can't imagine. He said he needs the back story on that.
Howard read about some of the people JD just started following. He read a list and he's following some guy who makes pizzas. JD said he's a big fan of the show too. JD is following Halle Berry too. Howard asked why he started following her. JD mumbled something. Howard asked why he's following her. JD said he wants to see pictures she posts. Howard asked about Juliette Huddy. JD said she's another hot FOX News chick.
Howard said he heard that he's only inviting a few people from the show to his wedding. JD said it's going to be a small wedding. Howard asked if he's not inviting him. JD said he doesn't want to get into this right now. Fred did his JD mumbling impression. They played another bit where JD tried to do a tongue twister.
Howard said he heard a rumor that he might not invite anyone from the show to his wedding. Howard said he had better wise up. Howard said he and his fiancee had better wise up. Howard said the girlfriend is a listener of the show and she met him through the show. Howard asked what's up with the anti-show stuff. JD said it's not about that. Howard asked JD if he has any friends outside the show. JD said this quote was said before the updated whatever. He said that there will be people invited from the show but not everybody. Howard asked if Priest and Boy are going. JD said they probably won't but he loves them. Howard played a song parody about JD from Eli Braden.
Howard asked if Gary makes the list. JD said he doesn't want to get into this. Howard said everyone will know eventually. JD said they will know when it's time to know.
Howard said JD doesn't really hang with Gary but he thinks that he'll be invited. Jon Hein will be invited. Howard said he thinks that he doesn't like Jason. JD said he likes Jason but he does annoy him at times. JD said Will is a friend. Howard said he thinks that they both have to be invited because they always go together. Howard said he thinks Jason won't be invited. Robin said Sal and Richard might be on the list. Howard said Sal is like Richard's wife. He said that he might have to have both. JD said that there will be cuts and people might hate him. Howard asked if Shuli is not invited. JD said he's not saying yet.
Howard wondered who he hangs with. He said he hangs with Jon Hein. He said he wonders if Memet is invited. Howard said he doesn't think so. JD said they don't hang out that much. Robin said no Nowicki either.
Will said that if he's not invited to his wedding he will never let him off the hook. He said there will be hell to pay if he's not invited. JD said there have been no cuts but there will be cuts. He said right now they're all on the list but they will be cutting people. Howard said he's going to have to console Scott the Engineer when he's cut. JD said he can say that Scott isn't invited.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he hopes they have audio from the wedding when it happens. He said he has to hear that. Howard said he has to get that for them. Howard and Fred did their impressions of JD giving his vows.
Howard said Samantha Bee is going to write his vows. Howard did his impression of JD asking her to write them for him. Howard kept going with his impression of JD. Fred and Howard came up with the vows and went back and forth with that. Howard said this is going to go on another 3 hours. JD said it had better not.
Howard said Benjy isn't going. JD said probably not. Howard said Shuli no way. JD said he's not getting into this. Robin said he's just delaying the situation. JD said that's fine. He said they're still figuring it out. JD said they still want to have people at the party. Gary said Benjy wants to come in because JD just said he can say he's not inviting him. JD said he said Scott too. He said he and Benjy don't hang out that much.
Benjy came in and Howard said he looks like Nannuck from the North. He said he hasn't seen him in a while. Benjy said ''fuck you!'' to JD. He said he was saying he can't say who he's not inviting and then he said he's not inviting him and Scott. He asked why it's like that for him and Scott. Howard asked if he even wants to go. Benjy said no. He said it's the idea that it's totally okay for him to insult him like that. Howard thanked Benjy. Gary said this whole thing is stirring up things for Benjy. He said Will invited Benjy to the wedding and he was asking how many single women were going to be there. Howard said alright and ended the conversation.
JD said he loves Benjy. Benjy said he does not. Howard said he's right, he doesn't. JD said he probably won't be invited.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that it's a destination wedding and he should invite everyone because 90 percent won't go anyway. Howard asked where it's going to be. JD said it's going to be out west. He didn't want to give details. JD said it'll be in a place with mountains and stuff. Ralph asked where it is. JD said he doesn't want to talk about it. Howard said he's such a fucking puss. He said he's pussy whipped. JD said he is not. Ralph said he doesn't have to be such a rube. Howard asked where he's going. JD didn't want to give out the information.
Howard said he's not going. He said if it was in the studio he'd go. Only if it's during the show. Howard said he's going to Sandals in Montana. Ralph said you know when you find out where it is it's not going to be that important. JD said there's nothing set in detail yet. JD said no wonder why he won't invite some people.
Shuli came in and said that he's disappointed that he's not invited. He said he took him on the road and he's made him some money. Howard said he's already cut. Shuli said he's shocked. JD said goodbye. Howard said JD has become a shithead. He said he thought he was the unaccepted outsider but now he's friends with Samantha Bee and he's not inviting Shuli.
Ronnie came in and said that Shuli didn't take him on the road. He said he took him on the road. He said he took Shuli on the road too. He said his name was on the Block Party. He said Shuli is just doing this to get in the studio. Shuli said he's an angry fucking guy. Ronnie said JD never would have gone on the road if it wasn't for him. Shuli said it was Scott quitting in the middle of it that got him on the road.
JD said he likes both of them and it was a combination. He said they both did. He said Ronnie was the one who was very resourceful about it.
Howard said Ronnie took JD to get the ring. He asked if he's invited. JD said his brother went with him. Ralph said he doesn't think Shuli is invited to Ronnie's wedding either.
Shuli asked Ronnie who did the heavy lifting on the comedy shows. Ronnie said it was his name on the show. Shuli said if they ended the show after Ronnie's abortion they would have burned the places down. He said the show was like a murder scene.
Howard said Shuli says there was heavy lifting on the show. Shuli said it was like coming up to a crime scene after Ronnie did his thing. Ronnie said his pockets were full after that show so he owes it all to him.
Howard asked JD when they'll know about the wedding invitations. JD said that the wedding is late next year. He said that they'll go out later this year.
Ralph said he should have brackets for who is invited and not. Howard said he knows who is going now. He said that JD should do something on the show where he has to tell them no on the air.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's going to a destination wedding. Ronnie didn't hear him. Howard asked what he's thinking about. He said he was just lost in through. Ronnie said he doesn't want to be involved in this. Howard asked if he talked about the list with JD. Ronnie said they didn't.
Howard said when they do talk about that they have to have a rose ceremony for JD to hand out roses to everyone who is going.
Ralph asked if Ronnie knows where the wedding is going to be. Ronnie said no but Ralph thinks he does. Howard asked if he's going to the wedding if it's out west. Ronnie said he will. Ralph asked why he can't mention the state. JD said he just doesn't want to get into it now. He said one of the options is Montana. Howard asked if Ronnie is going to fly out there for that. Ronnie said he will. Ralph asked if he's making it a destination wedding to filter some people out. JD said not really.
Ronnie asked if he has to pay to fly to the wedding. Howard said of course he does. Ronnie said he's not sure he's going then. Howard said all they've gotten from this is that it's no Benjy, Scott or Shuli. JD said that's a safe assumption. Ralph said if he invited them all they get gifts from everyone. JD told Ralph to shut up.
Howard had another JD song to play to end the segment. He played another one where they had JD hooting to the tune of Here Comes the Bride.
Howard asked if Jim McClure is invited. Shuli said if he is and he's not then he's going to be pissed. Ralph said that JD is a weirdo and he doesn't make connections to people. He said the guy is a weirdo. JD said yeah, Ralph isn't weird at all. Howard said he's going to have enemies around there. JD said he knows how it works. He said this is why he wanted to do it after this all ended. Howard said he likes that JD is the cool guy from high school all of a sudden.
Howard asked when Ronnie's wedding is. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said the whole world will be there. He said if it's up to Stephanie everyone who works at Sirius will be there. Howard said that's going to cost him a pretty penny. Ronnie said they might have it at Giants stadium. He said that she was talking about some place in Pennsylvania. He said it's a cool place. Howard said he'll go if it's not in Pennsylvania. Howard said he'd go anywhere in the tri-state area. Ronnie said that's Pennsylvania. Howard said it is not. He said he'd go in New York. Howard said that the tri-state area is the city and it's boros and Jersey. Gary said it means Philadelphia. Howard said that's not the tri-state area. Gary said he fucked that up. Gary said it's New Jersey, New York and Connecticut.
Howard and the guys were arguing about what the tri-state area is. Ralph said the New York metropolitan area is parts of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut. Howard said that's what he was saying. Howard said Ronnie has to know what the tri-state area is. Ronnie said it's Howard's region. Howard said when people from New York say the tri-state area they're talking about a certain area near New York City. Ronnie said he guesses people won't be coming to his wedding either.
Ronnie went off on Ralph for critiquing his driving. Ralph said he's sure he could beat Ronnie in a driving contest. Ronnie said he's not going to do that. Howard said he can't believe what he's hearing. He said they should have a drag race between them. Howard asked Ronnie if he would do that against Ralph. Ronnie said he's not going to do it and he knows what he's doing.
Shuli said Ronnie went out on the race track and did a whole 70 miles per hour. Ronnie said he went out and did 172 miles per hour. He said check the old E! show tapes. Howard said that he wants Ronnie to shut Ralph down finally. He said that they should get in separate cars and he'll give a hotel or something. Then they get in their cars and they try to get there. Howard said it's not a race. He said they obey the speed limit. Ronnie said it's not worth it to him to do that.
Ronnie and Ralph were talking about how they'd get to Rick's Cabaret and they were both saying they'd go the same way. Ralph was talking about how he'd go by criss crossing. Ronnie said you can't do that from there. He said there's no fucking way. Howard said Ralph always says there's a short cut.
Howard told Ralph to pick a place. Robin picked one. She said the Soho house. Ronnie said he'd go down the West Side Highway. Ralph said he'd do the same thing. Howard asked why he's criticizing Ronnie. Ralph said he's just saying he could get there quicker. He said that they went somewhere one time and they had to get out and walk because they went the worst way. Ronnie said he's always talked about him like that. Ronnie said Ralph wanted to go a way that wouldn't have worked. He said they got caught in traffic one time and Ralph was carrying on in the back about it. He said traffic isn't his fault. Howard said it makes him crazy. Ralph was laughing at all of this as Ronnie was going off on him.
Howard said they say to take 5th avenue to the Soho house. Ronnie said it depends on the time of the day. Howard asked if Ronnie is going to invite Ralph to his wedding. He said he knows he'll be goofing on him the whole time. Ronnie said he'd have him. He said that Stephanie likes Brent's wife so he'd have him too.
Shuli asked if he's writing his own vows. Ronnie said it's going to be short and sweet. He said that's it. He said if it's up to him he's going to get married and just have a big party after. Howard said why not get married in front of everyone. Ronnie said he had a small wedding the first time. He said he had family and close friends.
Howard said he Ronnie has to have vows. He said JD does too. Howard said he heard that Ronnie could see Anna Kooiman's panties when she was there. Ronnie said she was in the green room and the door was open so he could see in there. He said he saw it but he wasn't staring at her. He said he just saw it looked like Sharon Stone crossing her legs. He said she had a very short, orange dress on. He said he didn't see her panties. He said he never said he saw her panties.
Howard said he has to hear what kind of vows Ronnie comes up with. Fred made some up and recited them in his Ronnie voice. Howard said JD has to make them too. JD said he's pretty sure that's what they're doing. Howard said he can't wait to hear them. JD asked if Ronnie is going to write his on the toilet like he does with the poetry. Ronnie said he probably will. He said no one bothers him in there.
Howard asked if there's any chance that Ronnie will have kids. Ronnie said ask Stephanie. He said she's said no. He said she's a career woman. He said he has her whole career planned. She wants to be a doctor. Howard asked if JD is going to have kids. JD said they aren't looking to do that. Shuli said he's seen JD with kids and it's very awkward.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who wondered if he's invited to Ronnie's wedding. Ronnie said no way. He said he can't fucking stand him. King said he thought he was in. Howard asked how his radio show is doing. King told him not to worry about that. King asked if he can come to the wedding. Ronnie said no. Howard said they have to take a break. Howard said Robin knows this is like a business and they have to treat it like that. Howard played another JD song parody and went to break a short time later.
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Robin said they could be talking about Howard in a good way or a bad way and he opts for the good way. Howard said he's had it. He said he should mention that JD is part of that new major league baseball video game. He said they came out with a new version and you can pick player names and JD Harmeyer is in there. He said you can be JD Harmeyer. He played a clip from the game where they announce the names. Howard said JD discovered it because he was playing the game.
Gary said they put out a new one every season and it's a big seller. Howard said they have a Baba Booey in there too. Howard played a clip where the announcer says ''Baba Booey'' after a hit. Howard said they have a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' in there too. He played another clip from the game. Howard said there you go. Robin asked if Jon likes it now that it's in a game. Howard said he loves it, he's so happy. Howard said in the stands you can see Benjy taking a foam finger in the ass from Perez Hilton.
Howard said a couple weeks ago he did a bit about people taping themselves watching sporting events and freaking out. He made a bit where he was getting excited about the Spider-Man trailer. Howard said they took that clip and called a radio show with the audio. Howard played that bit where they called a religious radio show with the clips of Howard getting excited but this time it was about god for the radio show. The woman ended up speaking in tongues by the end of the call.
Howard asked how Robin likes that. Howard said she says she has special powers or something when he started cursing. Howard went through the call again and found that part. The host of the show said she has high favor on her soul. Howard wondered what that means. Gary said they think she was saying she was an apostle of her own church or something like that. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said this is the third year in a row that Wolfie went to Wing Bowl. Howard said that it's a gathering that a radio station does in Philly. Howard asked what station does this. Wolfie said it's 94.1 WIP. Howard said that this is scary because that girl just died in a pancake eating contest. Howard said Richard is friends with the guy who ate 409 chicken wings at this thing. Howard asked how long that takes. Wolfie said he doesn't know how long it takes. He said he's out with the people and not the contest part. Wolfie said when these people vomit it looks like chum. He said it's all full of sauce. He said their fingers must be stained. He said the orange is on their fingers an mouths.
Howard said that they interview drunk guys there every year. He said the racism seems to be getting worse. Howard said this guy was very racist. He said that the event starts at 6am and it goes on until 9am. Wolfie said the parking lot opens at 4am. He said they start drinking as soon as they get there. He said some people start drinking at 6pm the night before. He said they drink right through it. Howard said some people go to strip clubs after that.
Howard said Richard was there as a participant and not working. He said Wolfie was there and so was Steve Nowicki. Howard said Richard was there and that's how he knows the guy who won the 409 chicken wings contest. Howard said that there were racist people and disgusting people there. Richard said he was taking a diary about it and he has the notes if the wants them for the web site. Howard asked if he pissed in the parking lot. Richard said he did piss in the parking lot in an area where everyone was pissing. Howard said he has audio of the janitor who works there and he talks about the toilets getting clogged and how people shit on top of the shit. Then it ends up dripping on the floor. Richard said they should have a temporary area for people to shit in.
Howard played a clip of the janitor he was talking about. He said this guy is really upset. In the clip the guy talked about how there was shit and throw up on top of the shit. He said it was terrible. He said he hates it.
Howard said he'd rather clean up a murder scene. Wolfie said he has seen shit come out from between the toilet seats. Howard said the janitor talks about that too. Howard played another clip of a janitor talking about the bathrooms there at the wing bowl and how maybe 5-10 people shit on top of each other. He said then you find a condom in the toilet. He said guys will get chicks there in the bathroom.
Richard said they should be thankful they have their jobs. He said that guy has to see all of that. Howard said he could listen to that interview over and over again.
Robin said there's a TV show called Dirty Jobs. She wondered why that guy was never featured. Howard said that job is too disgusting to show.
Howard said there were religious protestors there at the Wing Bowl. He said one guy was waiving a cross while people were driving by and people were cursing them out. Howard had some audio of that. Steve Nowicki was out there talking to the guy and people were driving by yelling at them.
Howard said Steve told the protestors that he was from the Stern show. He said that never goes well. He played a clip of Steve getting lectured about working there.
Howard said he has to get to the real people from Wing Bowl. Howard said there were a lot of tailgaters there. He said one guy rented a U-Haul truck to get there. Howard played a clip of the guy talking about how the truck smells like cigarettes, weed and regrets. Howard said he heard Richard brought his won beer down there. Richard said he did so he'd have something before the event. He said he wanted special beer like coffee beer since it was early in the morning. Richard said he his wife went too. He said his wife is a big fan of that station since they cover the Eagles.
Howard asked what time Richard showed up. Richard said he was there around 4:45 in the morning. He said that this was on a Friday. He said he took it kind of slow. He said he drank all the beer he brought with him. He said he gave some to the people they were hanging with. Richard said he had some food too. Howard said he's a fucking low life. Wolfie said Richard had 10 beers by 6am. Richard said he was pretty buzzed after that. Howard asked how many more he had after that. Richard said maybe 5 or 6.
Howard said the majority of attendees were white but there were a couple of black guys there. Richard said there was a black guy with a Cowboys jersey and they were worried for his safety. Howard said this is the black guy. He played a clip of the guy talking about seeing people fucking in the seats there in the stadium. The guy said he's married so he's never done that. He said if he wasn't married and he wasn't on the radio he would say he's a fucking mother fucker.
Howard played another clip where Steve interviewed a guy asking him what his chances are of getting laid there. The guy said he's going to fuck anyone who shows her tits. A bunch of guys started chanting and yelling with that guy.
Howard said all of the guys are anti-abortion. He said that's the one value they have. Howard said they'd all have a baby but they do all of this other shit. Howard said they talk about sucking on titties but then they have respect for the women as soon as they're knocked up.
Howard said this guy said he got a blow job in the parking lot. Howard played that clip and the guy said it was just $5. He said he likes dirty crack head hookers. Howard said that's the cheapest way to get genital herpes. Wolfie asked what she looked like. The guy said she looked like a bag of shit. He said if he gets herpes then whatever YOLO.
Howard said it sounds like he was actually banged by a bag of shit. Wolfie said it could have been because the guy wasn't able to stand up.
Howard played another interview where the guy was talking about all of the drugs he was doing. Howard wondered how that guy is alive after all of that stuff. He also said his birth control is nothing. He said he drops his seed and that's it. He said he might be a dad or not. He said he thinks he might be a great dad. He said he loves kids.
Howard said a lot of dudes think you don't have to use a condom. Howard played a clip of a guy talking about a pregnancy scare he had. He said he tried to finger his cum out of a chick once but it didn't work. He said that he told her that his parents would take care of that kid if he did have a kid. Then the guy and his buddies spelled out ''EAGLES.''
Howard said everyone is stupider than the next. He said this guy has a story about shitting out a penny. Howard played that clip and the guy said he once shit out a penny after chugging beer with one in it. He said he saved the penny after that. Howard said he shit in a wishing well once. Richard said that's why you wash your hands after handling change.
Howard said this guy was pre-gaming by his U-Haul. In that clip the guy talked about the drugs he had on him and he told Wolfie his favorite curse word was. It was the N-word.
Howard said the N-word is the favorite word there at the Wing Bowl. Howard said this guy uses it when a black guy is walking by. The guy didn't have a problem saying it as the guy walked by. That guy was also talking about who he'd like kicked out of the country. Howard said that it must be the wings that bring out the worst in people.
Howard played another clip of people chanting the N-word. Howard said some of the racist songs were well rehearsed. Wolfie said this group of guys must do this performance at weddings and social events. He said they had more choreography than Hamilton. He said they were all in a circle and they sing the song and jump in when they're supposed to. Howard played some audio of them singing that song and using the N-word. Howard said it's like the Irish river dance. Wolfie said it was like Racist Stomp. Howard said a guy from the Ku Klux Klan called and said that's a little bit much. He said Mel Gibson loves that song. Wolfie said that wasn't the first time they've performed that song. They knew what to do.
Howard said that they asked the guys if they prefer Jews, Blacks or Muslims. Howard played some clips and guys were picking the Jews over everyone else.
Howard said he has some sound from the parking lot. He had audio of a guy puking near where Richard was. Wolfie asked how many times he was going to puke. The guy said he has about 4 that day. He had already done it twice.
Howard said he has some audio of Richard gagging at one point. He played that clip where Richard said he saw someone throw up. He said that guy Sloth had an epic puke in 2001 that they show every year. Richard said he doesn't know that guy but he does know the guy who won the wing eating contest. He said he met him in Coney island at the hot dog eating contest. Richard said the biggest cheers are when someone pukes or a woman shows her tits.
Howard played audio of Richard talking about a guy jumping over his piss line. Then a guy puked. The guy said he had a cheese steak. Wolfie said the parking lot is filled with land mines of puke and piss. Richard said there was an area there last year where they had a pile of puke. Howard asked how this is fun. Richard said it's a blast.
Howard said they have a Show Us Your Tits camera there. Howard said they have almost a revolution going on there. Howard said he thought he had audio of that but he didn't.
Howard said he has audio of one guy saying that the best insult for a woman is saying she has orangutan tits. Howard played that clip and then another clip of a guy talking about how he hadn't seen enough titties there.
Howard said there it is. He said Robin wanted a taste of Wing Bowl and they sent those guys out there. Howard said he's not sure why women wouldn't want to go there and show their tits. Howard told Wolfie he did a good job. He said way to conduct your life to Richard. Howard let Wolfie go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has been at Wing Bowl and they're making it seem glamorous. He said it's really disgusting. He said he worked it for 12 years in a row. He said the girls flashing is good but the strippers who are there are not good strippers. He said he's seen girls there passed out with puke all over and with a nip slip. Howard said it's sex, shit and vomit there. The caller said it's everywhere. He said the strippers look worse than Benjy.
Howard asked what he does there. The caller said he works in maintenance and stuff. He said they don't have to clean it but they have to fix stuff that's broken. Howard asked if he's seen the piles of shit. The guy said he has. He said it's the worst working conditions. Howard said at some point the toilets get overwhelmed and stop flushing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what Howard would say is his greatest interview in his career. Howard said someone asked him that yesterday and he doesn't know. Howard asked Gary what he thinks. Gary said there are so many. He said he thought the first Lady Gaga interview and Steve Martin were great. Gary said he thinks any time he talks to Letterman is fascinating. The caller asked if he could get anyone today who would he want. Howard said he thinks Mick Jagger. Howard said he's not sure if he'd talk about the rest of the guys. The caller said he thinks Howard would get him to. Howard said he has a lot of questions for him.
Howard said he has to take a break and get to the news. He said he should have played the Big Foot game with the guy. Howard said he'd like to know what orangutan tits look like. He said he might have to go to Philly to see what the guy was talking about. Robin said that Wing Bowl brings in 20,000 people. She said that's a shame.
Howard said he thinks Springsteen would be good as an interview. Robin asked about Yoko. Howard said he would talk to her. Howard said she hates him. He said she saw him at a party once and he thinks she jumped out a window. Howard said he goofs on her so he thinks she hates him. Howard said Rolling Stone gives her 5 star reviews on every album she's put out. Howard said the singing thing is a bunch of nonsense with her. He said you can't do that shit.
Howard wondered who else he'd want to have on the show. Fred asked about Mel Gibson. Howard said no way. He said he would like to talk to Tom Cruise. Howard said President Obama or maybe Bill Clinton. Howard said whoever is interesting. He said Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt or Oprah too. Howard said she gets very preachy though. Robin said she doesn't think so. Howard said get her in there then. Howard said he goofed on her, big deal, get over it. He said a lot of people goof on her. Howard said come in there. Howard said he'd talk to Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber. Howard said he'd even talk to Robin's Captain Dennis. Robin said she might be able to work something out. Howard said Britney Spears might be good. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Gar asked if he could get Bob Dylan to talk. Howard said he thinks so. He said he would treat him like he treats JD. He said he read his book and it was very good. Howard said Johnny Depp, Anthony Weiner, Charles Manson or whoever. He said as long as they're interesting he'd like to have them in. Howard said Ronnie is interesting. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard took a call from a guy who said his best interview was Henry Winkler. He said it was outstanding. Howard said he was an interesting guy. He said everyone has an interesting story. The caller said Howard always pulls out great stuff. He said the stuff he pulled out of him was unbelievable. Howard said he doesn't remember who the best one is. Fred said that he has 3. He said Billy Joel is one. Howard said that was a very special day. Fred said that they found out a lot about him. He said Paul McCartney was great too. He said also any of the Donald Trump interviews. He said he says his daughter is hot and he'd date her. He said he was a free wheelin' guy. Gary said the greatest line he ever had was when he called something his personal Vietnam.
Howard said he thinks Joan Rivers was always great. He said Wilmer Valderrama was great too. He said he never came back on after that interview. He said he was great. Gary said they were pitched him recently and before he got to talk to anyone they took the offer back saying it was a mistake. Howard said that's not a mistake. Howard said he was great on the show. Howard said he must have been lectured a lot about that interview. Howard asked if he's an actor. Robin said he was. He was on ''That 70s Show.''
Howard said Nick Cannon is always good on the show too. He said his last one was so good that he doesn't have a job anymore. Howard said Chelsea Handler is good every time too. Howard said Fred Durst did a great interview. Howard said Jim Breuer is great. Norm MacDonald and Snoop Dogg too. Howard said Snoop is coming in soon.
Gary said Joe Frazier was always great too. Howard said he really was. Gary said he lost his foot to a lawn mower. Howard said it wasn't the whole foot. Howard said Richard Simmons was great too. Howard said Beetlejuice always brings his A-game to the show. Robin said one time he was depressed. Howard said he would include him in his all time great interviews. Robin said one time Beet cried and didn't want to be there. Howard said Gary Busey was good. Howard said Richard was on the show 65 times.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra was great too. Robin said so was Jan Michael Vincent. Howard said Sam Kinison too. He said you have to go back old school.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Scott Baio was a great interview too. Howard said he was good. The caller said that it used to be on YouTube but someone pulled it. Howard said Tom Arnold is great too. Robin said so is Roseanne. Howard said she's great too. Howard said everyone is great. Robin said Whitney Cummings is great too. Robin said Lisa Lampanelli too. Robin said she's fantastic. Howard said she's right. Howard said everyone but Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend was great. He said she didn't open her mouth.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that guy from L.A. Law was great. Howard said he was. That was Corbin Bernsen. Howard said he was a great guest too. Howard said a lot of good people come through that door. Howard said Paul Anka was great.
Howard said the Jesus Twins too. He said they were great. Robin just laughed. Howard said they've had a lot go great people. He mentioned Stevie Wonder too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how the chess is going. He asked which chess master he would interview. Howard said he wouldn't do that to his audience. He talked about chess for a few seconds with the guy. Howard said people aren't interested in that stuff. He said no one would give a shit about that. Howard did a live commercial read and then took a break.
After the break, around 10:20am, Howard came back and took a call from King of All Blacks who said he dares him not to laugh when he sees Jimmy Walker and Anne Coulter. Howard said he's looking at it and he's not laughing. King said it looks like Jimmy has on black sunglasses. He was cracking himself up. King said he's the ugliest dude he's ever seen in his life. He said he's only 3 years younger than John Amos. Howard thanked him for the call. King asked if it seems odd to him when he sees a mixed couple. Howard said no. King said he doesn't hate it but it looks odd to him. Robin said King is in a relationship with a different race. King said she's Puerto Rican. Robin said she can't tell from a distance. King had some wacky theories about light skinned black guys who think they're white. He was cracking himself up talking about that stuff. Howard said the big news is that Jimmy Walker might be dating Ann Coulter. Howard said he has to go but King had more to say. King kept bringing up Herman Cain and Robin didn't know who that was. Howard said he really has to go. He said he always gets sucked into his calls. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how this summer we may be over run by mosquitos this summer because of the weather they had over the winter. Robin said they think it might be very buggy this summer. Howard said he'll be staying inside this summer because of that.
Robin read a story about how People Magazine has a story about Barry Manilow keeping himself closeted for so long so he wouldn't upset his fans. Howard said he thought that guy was fucking tons of girls. Robin said he has been in a relationship with another man for 40 years and they got married not too long ago. Howard said he knew he was gay when he was a little boy. He said his dad broke the news to him. Howard said his dad had a recording studio and Barry used to record commercials there at his dad's studio. He said his dad would tell him he was a faggela. Howard said his dad told him about Raymond Burr too. He said he told him that like he had insider information.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were doing a bit as a Barry Manilow fan who was just finding out this information. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Shia LaBeouf having a new movie opening in London over the weekend and it brought in one viewer. Robin said that it made just over $8 at the box office. Howard asked if that person liked the movie. Robin said they didn't even bother to talk to the person to find out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't believe he missed Tracy Morgan with the interview thing. Howard said he is a very good interview. Howard said there are just so many to mention. The caller said he just wanted to say F-John Hickey. Howard said he has no idea who that is. Howard wondered what the guy was talking about but he had already hung up.
Robin said Prince's wife Mayte has written a book. Robin said that she wrote that Prince liked to hypnotize her and he had to have his house color match his car color. Robin read some of the other odd things that he did. Howard said a lot of artists are like that. Howard said people were shocked that he didn't want that kind of stuff in his dressing room. He said Heidi and Mel B had that fufu stuff in their dressing rooms. Howard said Howie didn't have anything because he didn't even use his dressing room.
Howard said he knows Prince and Mayte were pen pals before they met. Robin said she's not sure that's even in the book. Howard said Prince was a weird little dude.
Robin read a story about the horrific pictures of Syrians being gassed. Howard said he was watching CNN and they said they were going to show some graphic pictures and he was like ''No they're not.'' Then he looked up and saw the pictures of the children being piled up. Howard said he got tears in his eyes from that. Howard said he's glad they're showing it. He said we have to be aware that this shit is going down with this guy Assad in Syria. Howard said he thinks he was in superman too. Jason said that's Zod. Howard said in all seriousness this guy is backed by the Russians. Howard said they're a bunch of fuckers and they're not our friends. Howard said fuck him. Robin said they're trying to say they didn't gas the people. They're saying they blew up a warehouse that the rebels had and it must have had chemicals in it. Robin said they're having a UN briefing today about this today.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Howard saw Legion. Howard said it's the worst show on TV. Robin said it is not. She liked it. Howard said he has no idea what's going on in the show. He said he wants to stick with it but he thinks he has to say goodbye to it. Howard said he doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't get any of the characters and it's the worst show on television. Robin said you have to pay attention and if you stay with it it's good. Howard said he'll watch any super hero show but not this one.
Robin read a story about these polls that people keep reporting on and they were all wrong during the election so she's not sure why they report on them. Robin said they say that Trump's approval rating keeps dropping. Robin said they say it's at 35 percent. Howard said that's about how many people voted for him and he won the election. Robin said she's not sure why they have polls because they don't mean anything.
Robin read a story about ISIS saying that the United States is being run by an idiot. Robin said they're saying that America is being run by an idiot who doesn't know what Islam is.
Robin said North Korea set off another missile yesterday. Robin said that they can't track this missile and where it's coming from. Robin said the White House had no comment. Howard said they had better be careful because if Trump gets angry enough he may tweet about it.
Robin read a story about how there seems to be a big problem with Russia and this election if you watch some news networks like MSNBC and CNN. Robin said if you listen to FOX then they say that it was U.S. surveillance on Trump and his people and that's what they have to get to the bottom of. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on the spying allegations. Robin said if you listen to FOX they say this woman lied about Benghazi so she can't be believed.
Howard took a call from Marfan Mike who said he thinks the best interview was tiny Tim and Underdog. Howard said those are good ones. Mike also said he needs relationship help. Howard asked where he met a girl. Mike said he met a girl near his office. He said she gave him her number and they have been texting. He said the last text message she didn't respond to. Howard asked how long ago that was. Mike said it was last Friday. Howard said that doesn't look good. Howard said he's amazed he even has an office. Mike said he does have an office. Howard asked if he met her at a diner. Mike said he did. Howard said he has to devote 2 minutes to this. Howard said he thinks she was abducted by aliens.
Howard asked Mike if he has a job. Mike said he does. He said he works for a company that sells housewares. Howard asked what he does there. Mike said he handles customer service. Robin said ''Noo!'' Mike said he does. He said he has been working there for a couple of months now. Howard asked if anyone has complained. Mike said he works for a family member who owns the company.
Howard asked Mike about this woman and if he did sexy talk with her. Mike said he never went that far. He said he was asking her how her day was and hopes she's having a nice day and stuff like that. Robin said maybe she got bored. Howard said maybe she flew into space. He asked what he last wrote to her. Mike said he asked if she wanted to go out to a movie or dinner. Howard said he made the move and he's proud of him. He said he's handling it better than Bill O'Reilly. Robin said he got the same response. Howard said she isn't interested then. Mike asked if he should move on. Howard said he thinks so. He asked what he's going to move on to. Mike said nothing. Howard said maybe he should stick to this girl.
Gary said that Shuli was telling him that she's not really his type but he's going to keep going. Howard said maybe he should keep it going.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were doing an impression of Mike saying they were his supervisor. Howard asked him a few questions and the guy mumbled his way through the bit.
Howard said there is no point in him moving on. Howard said if he meets a new girl then move on. He said maintain his hope with this girl. Howard told him to just wait for her. Howard said she got the message so she knows. Howard said he could play the move and say that he just started dating another woman in show business and take it back. He said that's kind of lame though. Howard said just hold on to this one. Mike asked how long to hold on to her. Howard said do it until he finds another girl. Mike asked if he can help him find another. Howard said he told one girl that his face was bitten by sharks. He said she didn't go for it. Howard said he'll be on the look out for a girl. Howard told him not to let this one go until then.
Howard said he knows something about this. He said Mike thinks girls don't like him because of the way he talks. He said he could tell them that he's a war hero and his tongue was cut out by ISIS. Howard said he doesn't want to lie about that stuff though. Howard played a song parody where Mike was making the guitar sounds.
Robin read a story about the Democrats being up all night filibustering the nomination of Neil Gorsuch.
Robin read a story about Ivanka Trump talking about her position as an assistant in her father's administration. Robin said she says she wants to help her father be a success. Robin had some audio of her for Howard to play. That led to Howard talking about how she might be the hottest first daughter ever. They spent a minute talking about others who were attractive.
Robin read a story about the Bill O'Reilly show having ads pulled. Robin said there are a bunch who are sticking with him though. Robin went through some of the advertisers who are sticking with the show. Robin said that FOX was also hit with a racial discrimination suit yesterday. Robin said there's a lot going on over there.
Robin read a story about President Trump talking to construction workers and telling them that they're the backbone of this country. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that.
Robin read a story about a Pepsi ad that's running with Kendall Jenner in it. Howard said he tried watching it but it was like 20 minutes long. He said it went on forever. Robin said some people are calling it tone deaf. Robin explained the ad and how people are saying that she's using protests to sell Pepsi. Howard said he thought she was going to be nude or something but that's not what's going on. He said he likes looking at her when she's in various stages of undress. He said that's her job. He said the commercial was her with clothes on.
Robin read a story about Nivea skin cream and how they're pulling an ad that was blasted as racist. Robin said that it's owned by a German company and they had a white woman being shown with the words ''White is purity'' and that upset some people.
Robin said Amazon is going to be streaming Thursday night football. Robin said that it's going to be exclusive to Prime customers. Howard said now there's one more way for him not to watch football.
Robin read a story about how walking with a buddy an help you get out and walk. Robin had some audio of this woman talking about that. Howard said his staff is boycotting. He said they're just sitting in. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.