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Howard started the show talking about how it's Cocktober this month. They had sounds of gay porn playing with the song ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Howard was singing along to the song with lyrics about Cocktober. Howard said no girls allowed. He had Robin sing along with a Little Mikey song parody about Cocktober. They had some Big Foot audio clips of him talking about gay stuff and other clips from the show about gay stuff they've done on the show.
Howard said they're going to have a big celebration in about 20 minutes. He said no girls are allowed. He said Robin is wearing a strap-on and Fred already has his cock out. He said they're the only ones covering this month so the stock is up. He said that they'll see you in November, pussy.
Howard said that it's not such a good morning. He said there was a mass shooting in Las Vegas. Robin said she turned on the TV when she got up and they were showing footage of people trying to get out of the area. Robin said she didn't know what this was. She wondered if it was a bomb and it turned out to be a mass shooting. Robin said she tuned into the home shopping network and they were still selling shmatas there. Howard did an impression of what that might sound like during a mass shooting. Howard asked what it would take to interrupt selling. Robin said she has no idea. Robin said she thinks they'd still sell when an atomic bomb is dropped.
Howard said they're going to carry on this morning but they're thinking about the people in Las Vegas. Howard said they're also thinking about Hugh Hefner. Howard said people are debating if he was good or bad. Howard said he was good. He said he didn't force anyone to be nude. He said they think he was a misogynist. Howard said the guy liked a rub and tug.
Howard said that Hugh Hefner had medial jobs in magazines and with a couple grand he started Playboy. Howard said he put naked women in there and he was very pro-sexuality. He said he had good interviews and it was sort of nice. Howard asked what everyone is uptight about. Howard said he read nice things about him for the most part. He said he was into integration early on. He said he had black entertainers working his clubs and things like that. Howard said he started the magazine in 1953. Robin said she didn't realize that. Howard said there were porn magazines before but it wasn't like Playboy. He said that they had classy photographs in Playboy.
Howard said Ronnie has to be in mourning. He said the first time Ronnie picked him up he had a limo with Playboy mud flaps on it. Howard said he had the Playboy logo on a bunch of other things in the car. Howard said he asked if he was associated with Playboy because he had so much. He said Ronnie told him he just likes it. He said he thought it was classy to have that stuff. Howard asked if he wanted to come in and say something about Hugh Hefner.
Ronnie came in and Howard asked if he heard any shit about the pussy talk last week. Ronnie said he didn't catch much shit. He said he got a few stupid commenting. Howard said he and Jimmy Kimmel talked about that over email. Howard tried to find it. Howard asked if he wants to talk about Hefner. Ronnie said he wrote a eulogy about him.
Howard said before he reads the eulogy he has to talk about this Jimmy thing. Howard still wasn't finding the whole email. Howard said he's so annoyed. He said he hates this. Howard tried to find the email but he was having a hard time. Robin said if he put them in folders it should be there. Howard said he did put them in folders but he's not sure which one. He eventually found it.
Howard said he wrote Jimmy and said he was concerned about Dancing with the Stars and their bet. Howard said he has this guy Derek Fisher that he's betting on and Jimmy told him to bet on this guy. Robin said Howard is like the guys at gambling tables who don't have money but they have a system. Howard said Jimmy has a 53 percent win rate and he says if he had that kind of win rate in Vegas he'd be banned. Howard said he also mentioned Ronnie in the email. He said he wrote back to Jimmy about the Dancing with the Stars stuff and talked about some of the dancers. Howard said Jimmy wrote back and told him not to get discouraged. He also said that men named Derek do well in this competition. Howard said he wrote back to Jimmy talking about Ronnie and Jimmy wrote back about how impressed he is with Ronnie talking about wanting a pussy.
Howard said he wrote to Jimmy about the Ronnie pussy thing and they went back and forth talking about that. Howard said Ronnie is burning it up out there.
Howard said he has never seen a guy with so much Playboy stuff on his car. Ronnie said that it was a big thing back then. He said it was all over the car stores. Howard said it wasn't a big thing to do that to a limo. Howard asked what women did when he had that stuff on his car. Ronnie said no one said anything other than Howard. Howard asked why he had it. Ronnie said he doesn't even remember why.
Howard asked what his statement was with the Playboy stuff. Ronnie said it was just a statement. He said they had napkins inside glasses with the logo on it. Howard asked about getting the locks and if he had to do something with that. Ronnie said it was something you just screwed on. Howard asked if he did it himself. Ronnie said he did. Howard said he must have said ''This is fucking awesome.'' Robin said he must have thought it was something no one else had.
Howard asked Ronnie if he had the mud flaps put on by someone. Ronnie said he did have someone put them on. He said it's the garage where he has his cars serviced. Howard said he got in that car and assumed he worked for Playboy. Howard said he asked if he was going to keep them on if he kept driving. He said Ronnie said he was. Howard said he had to shame him into getting rid of that stuff. Fred did his impression of Ronnie talking about how he loves mud flaps and piss flaps.
Howard had Ronnie read his eulogy. It was rhyming so Robin asked if it was a poem. Ronnie said it's a eulogy. Ronnie kept reading what he had and it was still rhyming. He had a hard time reading it so Howard said he obviously didn't read the articles in the magazine.
Howard had Ronnie start over again. Ronnie read through his eulogy and talked about Hugh Hefner like a 2nd grader would write a book report. Howard let out a sigh in the middle of it. He said he thought it was a poem but it's not. Ronnie said he told him it was a eulogy. Howard asked him to never do one for him.
Ronnie read more of the eulogy and said he's reading like a 2nd grader. Ronnie asked him to just let him finish. Howard said they asked him to do this and he's doing it so leave him alone. Howard said it's one thing if he was crying and can't read it. He said this is just illiteracy.
Ronnie read more about Hef and lost his place again. Howard said Ronnie can't read. He asked why he's having such a hard time. Ronnie said it's the light shining through the paper. Howard asked how he reads road signs out there on the road. Ronnie told him to leave him alone. Ronnie read more of his eulogy and still had a hard time reading it. Ronnie said he can't see this fucking thing.
Howard said it's like Ronnie's father died. He had him read more but he was having such a hard time getting through it. Ronnie said Hef was the ultimate man's man. He said ''rest in peace'' a bunch of times. Howard said that was incredible. He said it sounded like a book report. Howard said Hef died right after Ronnie talked about his fantasy of having a pussy.
Howard said that might be the best eulogy ever. He did an impression of Ronnie reading. Fred and Robin were doing their impressions of Ronnie too. Howard kept going with the impression and said he might need the week off to remember Hugh Hefner. Robin was goofing on him too and Ronnie said he didn't hear her write anything. Ronnie said he wasn't able to see anything with the light going through the paper. Fred kept goofing on him and made up more stuff he could have said. Fred played a Godfather movie clip where Luca Brasi was reading a note he wrote to Don Corleone. Howard laughed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he works with 1st graders who put more thought into their poems. Ronnie said it's not a poem.
Howard took a call from Bobo who told Ronnie not to compare his stuff to his. Howard said Bobo can read better than Ronnie.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to leave Ronnie alone. He said Ronnie is the best and Bobo sucks. He said he loves Ronnie. Howard said he's remedial Ronnie.
Howard had Fake Charlie Sheen on the phone so he spent a minute talking to him about Hefner. Howard said Hef died at 91. He said that's not bad. Howard said Ronnie was only 30 when Hef started Playboy in 1953. Howard said the big naked girl in the magazine was Marilyn Monroe. He said Hef was buried next to her. Howard said they were selling 7 million copies in a month back in the 60s. Howard said that's something.
Howard said the internet killed Playboy. He said they have free porn now. Robin said you can get it all online. Howard said at their highest point they sold their own clothing and jewelry. Ronnie said he never had the jewelry. Howard said he did have the mud flaps. Fred mentioned the silk robe and Ronnie said he never had one of those.
Howard said they had casinos and had radio shows and movies. Howard said that his first TV show was called Playboy's Penthouse and then Playboy After Dark. Howard said he went to the mansion and so did Ronnie. Ronnie said he saw Benjy swim in the grotto.
Howard took a call from fake President Trump who was talking about what a legend Hef was. He said he taught him how to grab 'em by the pussy. Trump said that he's going to divert funds form Puerto Rico to the displaced Playmates. Howard talked about how there are homeless playmates. He said that Trump is right. Howard let the clips of Trump go a short time later.
Howard said Robin was approached to pose for Playboy. Robin said she was a couple of times. Howard said his wife was too before she was even his wife. Howard said Trump mentioned the grotto and it was a small cave in the pool. Howard said Benjy went into the pool there and took off all his clothes. Howard said it was the greatest thing he ever did. Howard played a clip from the day he did that. Howard was doing a show at the time. Howard said people were staring at him.
Howard said Benjy doesn't get naked on the show anymore. He said crazy stuff went down at the mansion. He said Rob Lowe told a story about how crazy things would get there. Howard played a clip from that interview where Rob talked about having a conversation with a girl in the grotto and she would let out a moan occasionally. He said he looked down and saw a big ebony hand around her waist and realized she was getting it on. He didn't even see the guy and the guy didn't stop.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's a teacher. She said she teaches 3rd grade and she's heard kids read better than Ronnie in 3rd grade. Howard said he really was bad. Ronnie blamed it on the paper. Robin said it wasn't just his reading. She said it was his sentences. The caller gave Ronnie a grade of a 1 out of 3 which is like a D. Howard said he could have gotten a C- at least.
Howard said Verne Troyer was on the show and he talked about getting laid at the Playboy Mansion. Howard had a clip from an interview he did with him. Verne said he has had 3 girls at one time. Verne said it was 3 or 4. Howard said that was some mansion.
Howard said Scott Baio went crazy one year and he got in trouble for going through so many Playmates. Howard played a clip of him talking about being banned. Scott said he went through all of the playmates one year.
Howard said that Roger Ebert said he wasn't able to get laid there. He said Pauly Shore must be upset about the whole thing. Howard said there are a lot of women who have gotten their start at Playboy. Howard said in 1965 they put a black woman in Playboy. Howard said Hef gave Dick Gregory his start in 1961. He said that Dick got all serious at the roast of Hefner and thanked him for having courage back when no one was bringing in blacks and minorities. Howard had a clip he played of Dick talking about Hef.
Howard said Dick must have really loved the guy. Robin said now they're back together again. Howard said he has a song about Hugh Hefner. He played the song parody that someone did about Hef and how thankful men are for Playboy.
Howard said it's kind of a bad way to start the program in Cocktober. Robin said it was all about vagina with him. She said you never saw a cock. Howard said that he used to jerk off to nudist magazines and they were horrible. Howard said Playboy was great. Howard said he was a kid and he didn't know better. Howard asked if Ronnie's dad ever had Playboy. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Ronnie said he had it but he didn't know about his dad. Howard said he had it too.
Howard said he bets Gary jerks off to Playboy because he's into vinyl and the old school stuff. Gary said he has the internet now. Howard said people used to jerk off to National Geographic. He said he never had that though.
Howard wondered if Hef will be buried in his robe. Howard said he used to wear a sailor's cap. He said that he might be buried in that. Ronnie said he had a smoking jacket on with that cap. He said it wasn't a uniform. Robin said maybe he was just covering up that he didn't have much hair.
Ronnie said none of the girls ever talked about his cock. Howard said he thinks one girl did in an expose that she had. Howard said he's not sure who it was. Howard said it was just some girl. He said that she talked about his dick. Howard said he doesn't know who it was.
Howard said Playboy is like a relic at this point. Robin said he presided over the height of that thing and saw it go away.
Howard took a call from fake Bill Maher clips and they had him talking about his experiences there at the Playboy mansion. Howard spent a minute talking to the clips before moving on.
Howard said that was a nice eulogy. Robin said it was a pretty good one. Howard said Ronnie's was the best. Howard said rest in peace as Ronnie said in his eulogy.
Howard played a clip of one of the guys going out on the street asking a woman to pretend to be Jenny McCarthy talking about Hugh Hefner dying. They had a woman pretending to be Pam Anderson and Carmen Electra too. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said it's Cocktober. He said everyone loves it. He said it's time for Cocktober festivities. Howard said all month long they'll be celebrating Cocktober with games, songs and guests. He said now it's time to kick it off. Howard said they're the only ones celebrating all month long. Howard played a song parody that Daniel Mendelson did for Cocktober. Howard said they have a symbolic kick off and they're going to start with hitting a gong with a schlong. Howard said they have JJ Knight coming in and he has a 9 and a half inch cock. Howard had JJ come in.
Howard said look at that fucking cock. He said he's flaccid and he's 9 inches. Howard said he's so jealous. Robin asked what it's like when it's erect. Howard asked if it stays the same. JJ said it gets to about 10. Howard asked if that's pretty much his erection. JJ said it is. Howard said he is circumcised and he plays both a top and a bottom in his porn movies. Howard said he has 40 film credits. Howard asked why he's in Daddy's Diary 1 and 3 but not 2. JJ said he needed a break around that time. Howard said JJ also won the Grabby award in 2016.
Howard said he's glad he has JJ there to kick things off. Howard asked where he lives. JJ said he lives out in Hollywood and he's working full time in porn. Howard said Gary is impressed. Gary said he has a black bag with him and he gave himself a shot in his dick that keeps him hard for the whole day. Howard asked what it is that he shots. JJ said it's some mix of Viagra and other things that keeps him up all day. He said it makes his day go easier.
Howard asked when he knew his dick was so big. JJ said he didn't really know it until he got into porn. He said he didn't get into it until he was 28. Robin asked what he was doing before. JJ said he was working for Abercrombie. He said he was going nowhere there.
Howard asked what it is that makes him heed the shot in his cock. JJ said there's a lot of people there and the lights are hot and all of that. He said it's not easy to keep it up. Howard said he gets that.
Howard said what JJ is going to do is take his cock and hit this cymbal to open up Cocktober. JJ hit the gong with his cock. They got a good sound out of it. Howard said he was shocked that they got that much sound out of that.
Howard gave JJ some plugs and talked to him about a porn movie he's in called Urban Spokes. Howard said he's on Falcon TV. He said check your local listings for that.
Howard asked if JJ would shit on people. JJ said that's a little too intense for him. Howard thanked him for coming in and let him go after that.
Howard said his Japanese is extraordinary. Lee had Howard learn to say Happy Cocktober by saying ''Pussylips is-a-gross.'' Howard said it's easy to learn when you teach like that. Howard asked what he's wearing. Lee said he's wearing a kimono. Howard had him teach more. Lee told him to say ''Show-me-big-cock'' is how you say Cocktober has 31 days.
Lee said he has the cast of Naked Boys Singing (NakedBoysSinging.com) there with him today. Howard had the guys come in. Howard asked what their show is about. One of the guys was talking about the show they do and where they do it. Howard asked who their audience is and how long it is. The guy said it's about an hour and they have a lot of various people come to the show. They said that they have Asian tourists show up a lot.
Howard said the boys have come up with a song for Cocktober. Howard said that they are going to perform for them now. Howard said he's honored to have them performing today. Howard said he might join in a bit. Howard said he'll be nude during this. Howard asked if anyone has ever tried to grab their penises. The guys said that has not happened. One of the guys said they once saw a guy finger banging his girlfriend during the show. He said he must have been turned on by them. Howard said he's watching naked guys sing and he's fingering the girlfriend.
Howard said there's one guy there who has never worked nude before. Howard talked to him about that for a second. Howard said they get retarded people at the show too. One of the guys said they do have one fan who has been to many of their shows and he has Down Syndrome.
Lee Kingsnatch started the song with the Naked Boys. Then the guys sang their song ''See Our Dicks.'' Howard sang with them too.
Howard said Fred just threw up. He said he can't imagine why. Howard said that was great and thanked the boys for coming in. Howard gave them some plugs and let them go after that.
Howard said he's sure that they have no listeners left now. He said that was the first singing performance in the new studio. He said he's going to suspend all of the Robin songs and only have songs about Fred for Cocktober.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's going to be boycotting the show like conservatives boycott the NFL. Howard said it was nice having the guy bang the gong with his cock. The caller said it was beautiful. He said that they know it's going to be entertaining but they cringe just hearing about it. Howard said Andy Cohen just called and said it's getting too gay in there.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked where George Takei is. Howard said he will be coming in one day later this month. He said that he'll be there 2 Monday's from now. The caller said he's missed. Howard said they'll get him in there.
Robin said she's not sure what Fred's favorite group is. Howard asked Fred what the greatest rock love song is. Fred said maybe ''Layla.'' Howard said he's wrong. Howard asked Robin. Robin said she's going to say ''Maybe I'm Amazed'' or ''Something in the Way She Moves.'' Howard said she's wrong. Howard said the greatest love song is actually ''Thank You'' by Led Zeppelin. He said he put a lot of thought into this. He recited some of the lyrics. Robin said she doesn't think he's right. Howard said of course he's right. Howard said the lyrics are so great. Howard told Gary to escort Robin out of there immediately.
Howard went through the song again and told Fred to play it. Robin was still arguing that he was wrong. Howard said he dares you to not cry. Fred had a live version of the song that he pulled out. Howard said that's the greatest love song ever written. Howard said Chris Cornell performed it on the show in 2011. Howard said this was playing the first time he made out with Fred in Hartford.
Howard asked Fred to play the Chris Cornell version. Fred did that for him. Howard said the Naked Boys are all making out right now. He asked Robin if he's right or wrong. Robin said he's wrong and no one agrees with him. Howard said the hairs on the shaft of his penis are standing up from the song. Robin said she's reading lists out there and no one agrees with him. Howard said Robert Plant wrote that for his wife and they divorced after. Howard said he meant it at the time he's sure. Robin said the only Zeppelin song they list in what she's reading is ''Whole lotta Love.'' Howard said no to that. So did Fred.
Howard said he has to take a break here. He said he has a lot to get to. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard said this audio is fucking nuts. He played a clip and you hear a machine gun shooting and people freaking out and getting out. Howard said they say it was a 64 year old guy named Stephen Paddock. Robin said they're not sure what got the guy going. Robin said they say they're looking for some woman who was seen with this guy. Robin said they were staying in the same room and they're looking for her. Gary said they found her and she's no longer a person of interest.
Howard said it sounds like a machine gun to him. Robin said it was an automatic something. Robin said some of the eyewitnesses heard long bursts and then he was reloading and going again. Howard said he heard an ex-military guy talking about how slow he was at reloading. Robin said they said that he obviously wasn't a great marksman. Robin said he was spraying bullets all around. Howard said he was up high so no one knew where they were coming from.
Robin said she was hoping it was a terrorist and no some crazy American. Howard said the police fond the guy quickly because smoke detectors were going off in his room in the hotel. Gary said he had 8 guns with him. He said they're not saying what kind of guns he had. Howard said he was prepared. Robin said he had a lot of ammunition. Robin said they were able to stop him and took him out. Howard said there were 30,000 fans there. Robin said they didn't know where to go.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden whose phone was cutting out. Howard said he thought he banned him from calling in. Tommy said he'd never ban him. Howard asked if he's on a cell. Tommy said he's on a land line. Howard said now all of a sudden it's better. Howard said he's banned now. Howard said he has to hang up on him because it's so bad. Tommy asked if he would bang Kris Jenner. Howard said he can answer that with a No.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said we live in a terrible world. She mentioned the Las Vegas thing. She said that Benjy is kneeling when everyone walks into the studio. She said Gary mentioned that on the Wrap Up Show the other day. Gary said they were talking about how every day last week Benjy was kneeling and no one was paying attention to him. He said they mentioned it to Howard and Howard didn't care. Mariann said that she wants him to talk to his psychiatrist about this. Fred played her off with loud music. Mariann was still going on and on.
Howard asked Gary about the Benjy thing and how he kneels being so heavy. Gary said he was looking for attention and that's how he was trying to get it by kneeling. Howard said he's not going to bring him in for this. He said he knows he wants to get the attention but he's not bringing him in.
Howard said he got a lot of email about Ronnie and his pussy talk last week. Howard read some email about that. Howard said he has never seen so much email about something on the show. Howard had a ton of mail about that. Ronnie had people defending him and some who didn't want to hear it.
Howard said that Andy Cohen is on the phone to wish them a happy Cocktober. Howard had Andy on the line and Andy said he's very excited about this. He said he's looking forward to what this month will bring. Howard said they have a lot of things planned for Cocktober. Howard said they would love to have him come in and show off his celebrity cock. Andy said that he will think about that. He said he will try to find some celebrity cock for the show. He said he probably won't do that himself.
Howard asked Andy to describe the ultimate cock. Andy described something that he'd like to see. Howard asked if he needs it to be circumcised. Andy said not really. He said you do not have to be. Howard asked when he last had cock. Andy said he would say within the last 10 days. Howard said that's something. He asked if it was a regular person or a celebrity. Andy said it was a regular person. Howard said he's sorry about that. Howard let him go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has been listening to the show since he was like 12. He said he's Jewish and he reminds him so much of his mom and grandmom from New York when he does the impression of his parents. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. Howard said he has to take a break and get Sarah in there. Howard said she has a new show in Hulu that they'll talk to her about. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Sarah Silverman is there. He said she's one of his favorite people. He said she's promoting a show on Hulu called ''I Love You America.''
Howard said Sarah was there 2 years ago. He said it's been a long time. Sarah said it's so long. She said she doesn't want to come by too much. Howard said he appreciates that. He said then they really look Howard to her coming in. Sarah said she doesn't want to take advantage of him coming on too much. Howard asked if she gets that with talk shows. Sarah said no. She said she is overly conscious with stuff like that. Howard said she's good on talk shows. Howard said she comes in prepared.
Howard asked why she's giving him that look. Sarah said she's taking him in. Howard said he didn't know she was on Zoloft since she was like 13. Sarah said she was on Xanax. She said she takes a small dose of Zoloft. She said that it saved her in her 20s. Sarah said she doesn't spiral into paralysis. She said that she can't get out of bed. Sarah said when she's busy she can get a lot done. She said then you have one day to do laundry and she can't even do that.
Howard asked if Sarah thinks her carer would have been different if she wasn't... Sarah finished that and said Jewish. Howard said he does think Jewish with her and she's beautiful and smart but he does think about her being Jewish. Howard asked what it is about her that makes him think that way. Sarah said maybe she's ethically Jewish or something. Howard said her name is very Jewish. Sarah said that she didn't change her name. Howard said he knew right away when he met her. He said his Jew-dar went off.
Howard asked if Sarah thinks that if she didn't have depression that maybe her career would have been bigger. Sarah said she was paralyzed with fear. Howard said if she wasn't so depressed maybe things would have been different. Sarah said she feels like it helped her in some ways. She said that when you wet your bed it's like the biggest shame but then nothing is as daunting after that. Howard said he thinks she's great. Howard said she doesn't get enough credit. Howard asked if she agrees. Howard asked why she's not mentioned with Louis C.K. and people like that. Sarah said when she was with Jimmy he'd write for Jon Stewart and everything he said sounded so brilliant. She said Jimmy is brilliant too. She said that it's the same jokes. She said he's come into his own now of course.
Howard asked about Jimmy writing for Jon. He said he didn't know he did that. Sarah said he could write his own stuff for Jon and he was good but it came out different with Jon. Sarah said she thinks she's blue and she's not really dirty. She said that it is funny because she wrote a book and other books by comics are out there and it makes her crazy. She said people think she's dirty but she's no dirtier than anyone else out there. Howard asked if they don't put her book out. Sarah said they don't. Howard said that she's no dirtier than those other people. Robin asked how she got that reputation. Sarah said she's not sure. She said Howard has had the same thing in his career. Howard said it took 45 years for anyone to say something nice about him.
Sarah said she loves Howard so much. She said that she was thinking about Jimmy Kimmel last week speaking out about this experience he had. She said he's great but he's at his best when he's taking on the man. She said Howard is the original for that. She said that Howard took on The Man all along. She said Howard's show is the best it's ever been. She said that's insane to her. She said she wishes he'd take on the man even more. She said Howard's power is that he has the most bipartisan audience out there. She said that she knows he's his friend. Howard said he and Trump have never hung out. He said he had him at his wedding but they're not really friends. Howard said he has had people tell him to speak out more.
Howard said he knows Donald and it's a weird position to be in. He said he doesn't support what he says politically. He said people want him to come out and say something. Sarah said it has to come from inside him like a fire. Howard said he has told him that he is going to ruin his life by running for president. Howard said he supported Hillary himself. Howard said people are looking for him to do something but he's not sure what he's supposed to do. Sarah said that he should have a fire in his belly and take on everyone who he's filling his cabinet with. Howard said Sarah is doing that. Sarah said she's ranting but she'll shut up. Howard said he follows her on Twitter and she does a lot of that. Sarah said there are people who follow her but they're not as mixed politically like Howard's listeners are. Howard said he's not going to do it unless it's funny. Sarah said when he's moved to do it then he should. Howard said he went on the air with the kneeling thing the other day. He said it's nonsense. Howard said he's not sure what people want but they want him to goof on him and take him apart. He said that's not his thing.
Sarah said she doesn't want Howard to do anything he doesn't want to. She said she loves when Howard has a fire under him with the FCC and stuff. Howard said he was being threatened by them. He said he's mostly interested in himself. He said he's interested in Sarah today though.
Sarah said she thinks there are so many people that he would want to go after. Howard said he doesn't feel comfortable shitting on Donald Trump. He said he should not be president. He said Hillary should have been and Donald's heart isn't in it. Sarah said there's no way he's enjoying being president. She said he was a great guest on Howard's show but so is Angry Alice. She said she doesn't want her being president.
Howard said that Sarah's new show is about politics. Sarah said it's not like her Twitter feed. She said it's not like Bill Maher's show. She said it's just more of this time. She said it's not all about Trump but she does go to Trump country and tries to show that they're not all that different. She said Howard just burped. Howard said he did and he kept it in his mouth.
Howard said he was on such a good path with her until she brought up Trump. Sarah said she has talked about being on Zoloft and stuff before. Howard said she distracted him.
Howard asked if she went into a massive depression when her mom died. Sarah said she didn't need to go up with her dosage. She said that she almost died herself. Howard said she loved Garry Shandling too. Howard said that was shocking. Sarah said she had just had dinner with him. Howard said when she prepared a stand up special he'd give her notes. Sarah said it's crazy how special he was to so many people. She said he was such a cheerleader. She said he watched her stuff more than she did.
Howard said Sarah got sick too. She had Epiglottitis. Sarah said it almost choked her to death. Howard said she had a sore throat and the doctor told her that it was no ordinary sore throat. Sarah said she never goes to the doctor. She said as soon as he looked in her throat she was brought to the operating room. Her throat was closing up and it just felt like a sore throat. Howard asked if she could breathe. She said she could. She said it would grow and it was stopping her from being able to breathe. Sarah said there's a flap in your throat that opens and closes and that was filled with toxic poison. She said the surgery was 50/50 that she'd make it. She said they told her boyfriend Michael (Sheen) and her agent that they had to give her a local anesthetic and not put her under. She said that she had to have her hands tied down. She said she was intubated and your natural instinct is to pull it out. She said she'd wake up and her hands were tied down. She said she assumed she was captured by ISIS. She said that's the only thing you think.
Howard asked how long it took to do the operation. Sarah said it was a couple hours but she had to be in an artificial coma for like a week. Sarah said she had a catheter. She said she didn't make doody. Howard said she had to. Sarah said she only makes it like once every two weeks. Howard asked how you do it when you're in a coma. Sarah said there is no doody in you. Robin said they feed you with a tube in your throat. Howard asked if her boyfriend was there. Sarah said he was and she had no idea. He said he'd shoot his show during the day and come sit with her at night.
Howard asked if she's still with him. Sarah said they do see each other but he is back in Wales. She said she just saw him a month ago but he's back over there. Howard said that must be tough. Sarah said she loves him and he loves her. She said that she's so busy with her show that it's okay. She said she's committed to him and she loves working. Sarah said she likes being her own number 1. She said she likes getting home and doing her rituals at night. She said when she gets to see him it's such a great treat. Howard said that's very grown up. Sarah said it works for them. She said they seem to really like each other but she has told him to tell her if he meets someone and something happens.
Howard said he needs constant attention. Sarah said she doesn't. Howard said Beth went to California and he needed her back. Sarah said he's not a people person and doesn't like being alone. She said she is a people person and likes being alone. She said she has friends. Howard asked who she hangs with. Howard said she doesn't have Garry Shandling anymore. Sarah said she has friends of all ages. She said she has 20 year old comedians who call her mom. Howard said that's horrible. Sarah said she loves it.
Howard asked if she goes to clubs and works stuff out. Sarah said she does but she hasn't lately. She said she needs to get home and sleep right after doing a show. Howard asked how she does her act. Sarah said she will write jokes on a legal pad at times. He said that will turn into bullet points. She said she'll write notes on stage. Howard said Jerry Seinfeld writes it all down to the word. Sarah said he never says it word for word on stage. She said that some people do that and you can tell when they have written out a monologue.
Howard asked if she likes to see people die on stage. Sarah said there have been times when it's amusing. Howard asked when she started. Sarah said she started at 17. She said she did a gig at 19 and Dave Chappelle was the emcee. She said that he was great. Howard said he was great back then. Sarah said she remembers the jokes he did. She said that he moved to New York after that. Howard asked if she's still friends with him. Sarah said he just texted her recently. Howard asked if she knew he was going to be huge. Sarah said she didn't know anything but she knew he was funny.
Howard asked if she ever hears a joke she wishes she wrote. Sarah said she hears jokes that are great but she doesn't wish it was her's. Howard asked how often she goes out on the road. Sarah said all last year she was out on the road. She said she did her special and now she's tapped out. She said she's putting any new material in the new show. Howard said the special was on Netflix. She said it was but Howard didn't see it and didn't talk about it. Howard said he did talk about it. Howard said he knows he saw it. He told her about a bit she did in the special. Sarah said she takes it back then. Howard said he didn't see her movie and she went off on him. Sarah said he watches every movie but her's. Howard said he's not sure why she's like that. Sarah said she loves Howard and he talks about other people and not her. Howard said he loves her. He said she has a black hole inside her and she needs love all the time. Howard said he can't believe she's going off no him like this.
Howard said he did watch her movie. Sarah said she's even more embarrassed if he did. Howard said he did write her a note. Howard said he told her he loved it. Sarah said he did. She said he's right. Howard said there's nothing that he can do. Sarah said if he did see the movie he would have talked about certain parts. Howard said he wishes he had the email. Sarah said she can find it in 2 seconds unlike Howard. Howard said he has very specific stuff in his email. Howard said he did tell her what he loved about it. Sarah said it was very generic. Howard said bring in a psychiatrist. Howard said she has something going on with her. Sarah said it's only with him. Howard said he guarantees it's not. Howard said he's telling her that she has a thing. Sarah said he has a thing. Howard said all 2 inches of his thing. He wished her happy Cocktober.
Sarah said she can relate to Ronnie because she wishes she could experience having a cock. She said she has had to switch over her porn because her nieces are in their 20s. She said that she can't stomach watching a 20 year old get gang banged because she feels bad. She said she's into watching pocket pussy porn now. She said she'll watch stuff like 6 times. Howard said he doesn't think of her sexual. He said she seems like she'd be beyond it. Howard said she had a joke about masturbating in her special. Sarah said she owes him an apology for that. She said he really did watch it. Howard said he did.
Howard asked if she was nominated for her movie. She said she was for a SAG Award. She said that she lost though. Howard said Brie Larson won for ''Room.'' Howard said that was really good. He said if you lose you want to lose to something like that. Howard asked what the new movie is. Sarah said it's Battle of the Sexes. She said Emma Stone is great. She said all of her scenes are with her. Howard asked if she's friends with her now. Sarah said she is. She said she adores her.
Howard asked how many days she did on the film. Sarah said maybe 20. Howard said it was a lot. Sarah said they enjoyed each other. Howard asked if she gets together with her. Sarah said she doesn't get together with anyone. Howard asked if she practiced scenes with her. Sarah said no. She said they didn't have long dialog scenes. Howard said he's just trying to understand what she's doing.
Howard said he saw a picture of Sarah in her bra at the movie premiere. Howard said she has very big titties. Howard asked if she felt self conscious. Sarah said she was wearing a blazer and pants. Howard said she was shocked by the new look.
Howard said Sarah talks about the laser treatment on her body from her waist down. Sarah said she didn't do enough sessions. Howard said he did the back of his arms and it didn't work. Sarah said he's a good candidate for it. Howard said they went 6 or 8 times and it all grew back. Sarah said she went to like 3 sessions and it hurt so much she gave up. She said she had her undercarriage done. She said it's not her bush. Howard asked what she had lasered off. She said anything facing the floor. She said she had it taken off her labia majoras. Howard said she took off from her labias. She said she did her legs too. Sarah said they ask if you want lip done. She said she did that. She said she did her arm pits too. Sarah said it wasn't worth the pain.
Howard said he loves the joke in her special about getting the hair removal and it's super painful. Sarah said it's true. She said she was a grown woman and she went through that trauma. She said in that second she looked at her phone and he was texting her from Guatemala and he had just spent time with a woman who watched her son get murdered. She said she thought ''So you thin that's bad...''
Howard asked if it's true that squirrels can't find 80 percent of the nuts they hide. Sarah said that's true. Howard said he sees squirrels all day long. Sarah said that's how trees are planted. She said that this animal is planting trees. She said they're so fucked up they can't find the nuts. She said she learned that from some fact thing she follows.
Howard said Sarah has a joke about Barbie not having nipples. Sarah explained her joke and how they created her with just the meaty party that guys jerk off to. She said it's interesting how you can't see that on Instagram but you can see the meaty part out. Howard said she's right.
Howard said the other good thing was her thoughts on the bible. He said that she said it was like Game of Thrones but with just the boring parts. Howard said he did watch her special.
Sarah said Louis C.K. has a joke about how it's a Christian world and if you don't believe it, what year is it?
Howard asked who Sarah thinks is great. She said she loves Louis C.K., Tig Nataro and Todd Glass. She said there are so many. Sarah said Zach Galifianakis is great too. She named a few others. Howard said they all want to get TV shows. Sarah said real stand ups love doing stand up. She said there are parts she doesn't like.
Howard asked if Sarah could go out and do a set or has she used it all up. Sarah said she has used it up. She said she has a few new bits that she's putting into her show. She said starting over if scary and exciting. He said that she's not off until Christmas. Sarah asked how they're doing on time. Howard said get out of there. He asked her not to touch his megaphone. He said he doesn't want to get that Epiglottitis from her.
Howard asked where Sarah goes to work out her material. She said she goes to Largo. Howard asked if she bumps people. Sarah said she doesn't like doing that but if she does she'll just do her material and get off the stage.
Howard asked Sarah if she does 5 or 10 minutes. Sarah said she can go 10. She said the crowd is into the process. Howard asked if she tells them she's working on new material. She said she does. She said some people think it's bush league. Howard said he would think that's frightening. She said she's brave.
Howard asked if her dad called and asked her manager to cut back her work. Howard asked if she was working too hard. Sarah said she learned from Garry that no one is going to tell you it's too much. She said that her dad was worried about her. Howard said it's sweet that he cared.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her new Hulu show and for the stuff they play on Comedy Greats there at SiriusXM. Howard said he works there so he decided to promote it. Howard said she's too critical of him. Sarah said she loves him so much. She said it's a little slap and tickle.
Howard asked if she wants to promote her special on Hulu. Sarah said he hates her so much. Howard said something is up with her. Sarah said she wanted to tell him what she told him earlier. Howard said he has been told that by a lot of people. Howard said there are people who think he's doing a good job. Howard said he gets email from both sides. He said everyone has a very specific opinion on that.
Sarah said her show is called ''I Love You America.'' Howard asked if her dinner with Don is out yet. She said she thinks it's out. Howard said it was right before he died. Howard asked how that worked. Sarah said she interviewed him more than he did for her. She said he was not well and he was tired. She said they did a good job with it though. She said that it makes her heart break because she loved him. Howard said he loved Don. Sarah said Don said he didn't love him enough. Howard said they have a weird disconnect going on there. Howard said he saw her do stand up and he's not sure what to tell her. He said that it's so strange.
Howard asked how the Hulu thing works. Sarah said you have to pay for it but it's just an app. She said they have a bunch of shows coming out soon. Howard asked how long the show is. Sarah said it's a half hour. She said they say it's political. Howard said the opening music number is funny. He said he watched that. He said that must be shocking. Howard said it's like he's stalking her.
Howard said Sarah hasn't trashed Trump enough. Sarah said she's so sorry about that earlier. She said that she's trying to be an opportunist. Howard asked what she would like him to say. Sarah said when Trump says some things she just thinks Howard would get fired up. She said she thinks Howard would get fired up about this stuff he's been saying lately. She said Howard has talked about it but he's not railing. She said he's not as angry as he once was. She said he's figured out life and grown and changed. She said that's authentically Howard. She said fuck her. Howard said he's not saying that. He said he's just being him. Sarah said she hears Howard go crazy about rich guy shit and not about this. She said Howard will go off on something that only rich guys have a problem with. Howard asked what she's saying. Sarah said she has just tricked him into criticizing him about something. Howard said he's not sure what she's talking about.
Robin asked if it's stuff with the limo and the heat. Howard said he's the only guy with a limo and heat. He asked if rich guys only have heat in a car. Sarah said he's complaining about his driver. She said it's not that.
Sarah said there's another thing she has a beef with. She said that you don't wipe with a clump. She said Howard has talked about wiping with a clump. Howard said he uses baby wipes. Howard said he takes a clump of toilet paper. Sarah said that's crazy. She said he's wrong for wiping like that.
Howard said if he makes a doody it's always messy. He said he'll wipe with a tissue and then he takes a baby wipe and shoves his finger up his ass and digs it all out. Howard said he stands up when he wipes. He said he digs out every remnant. Sarah asked what wipes he uses. Howard said he sues Pampers. Sarah said she has been a Cottenelle wipe girl. She said they have a nice box. She said it's not biodegradable. She said she found these wipes that are called Dude Wipes and they're great. She said they're biodegradable and flushable.
Howard said he doesn't know enough about politics to be talking about it. He said that there are plenty of guys out there who can do it. Sarah said she saw Kyle Dunnigan out there and he's great at that. Howard said he's great with the impressions he does for them.
Howard gave Sarah some plugs and stated to wrap up. Howard said he'll see her in 2 years. He told her that she can actually come in there any time. Howard asked if she went to Louisiana and interviewed someone who had never met a Jew. She said they actually had to Google ''Jew.'' She said they were very nice. She said you can't change people's minds with fact. She said it's all about feelings. Howard said now she's said it all.
Howard said tomorrow he'll rant about Trump for her. Sarah said sometimes she hears a show and Howard isn't going off on Trump and she thinks that it's a rerun.
Howard said 10 years ago tomorrow is the day that Sarah smelled Richard's balls. Howard said he has that moment now. Howard played a clip from that day when Sarah smelled his balls and almost threw up.
Sarah said that smelled like bad milk and crayons. Howard said that was awesome. He said he has to thank her for that. Sarah said she has said it all. Howard said she has. Sarah said he won't have her back. Howard said ''We'll see.'' Sarah gasped. Howard said they can hear her on the comedy channel there too. Howard said she looks good too. Howard asked if she has anything to say. Sarah said she loves getting to see his eyes. Howard said he's going to go to commercial and she can talk.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who wants to talk. The guy said he just got the poison out to her. He mentioned something about smoking weed too so Howard asked if she still smokes. Sarah said she doesn't smoke that much. She said she might smoke some at night before bed. Howard said he thought she smoked more. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Storme said the shots after that went on for a long time and they knew something was wrong. Howard asked if he saw people drop. Storme said they didn't see that immediately. He said it was only after the sounds were going on a long time. Howard said they didn't know what was going on. Storme said when the long volley happened everyone scrambled. He said they got the crew and band off the stage and alerted the crowd that something was going on.
Storme said there were bullets hitting the stage about 10 feet away. He said they thought it was going to stop but then they realized the guy was just reloading. Howard asked if he thought it was going to get closer. Storme said they heard the sound coming from Mandalay Bay and it turns out it was just a few floors below. He said there were 30,000 people out there and it was like shooting fish in a barrel. He said that's what it felt like. Storme said he felt more vulnerable than he ever has in his life. Howard said he can't believe he had to go through that.
Howard asked how they were involved. Storme said it was powered by SiriusXM so they were out there and it was the very last headliner who took the stage and then the shots start coming out. He said 30,000 people scrambled and he can't even put it into words. Howard asked where he is now. Storme said he's in a room with Chris Young who is one of the entertainers. He said that this is after they tried to help so many people. He said they were dragging people out of the grass. Storme said they were stepping over dead people. He said they were offering whatever they could to help. He said there's no way to put this into words.
Howard said at some point they must have realized it was safe to go out. Storme said it was the way he was shooting and they realized he was done at some point. He said that there were rumors and no one knew what was going on. He said no one knew for a fact what was happening. He said that he knows veterans who do this.
Howard asked Storme about people stampeding out there. Storme said that didn't happen. He said it was groups of people who were organized to save people. He said that it was magical to see how many people were trying to save other people. He got choked up saying that. He was near tears. He said that's just what you're supposed to do. Howard said that's the right thing to do. He said they were all grabbing things to wrap people up to help. He said everybody rallied.
Howard asked how long it took for ambulances to show up. Storme said that they got there as soon as they could. He said it was maybe 20 minutes. Howard said Storme was uninjured and he went out and helped. Howard said he's sure people who were there were happy that he helped. Robin said the cops who showed up only had hand guns. Storme said they all knew they were seeing something they'd ever seen before. Storme said they were wondering if this was a large scale event or what. He said that they just had to get safe. Howard said he could have been hit very easily. Howard asked if he thought he was going to die there. Storme said whenever they lifted their heads up they worried. He said they didn't know if he was looking at them or what. He said they just didn't know. Storme said it was a frightening incident.
Storme said that he's not sure how many rounds he shot. He said it was enough. Howard asked who he called first when he got to his room. Storme said that right now he's at his weakest point. He said he tried calling his wife and the cell service was down. He said his wife heard the guy reloading and firing again. He said she knew he was under attack. Storme said he wouldn't want anyone to go through this. He said our veterans go through this all the time. He said he did think he was going to die. He said it could have happened.
Howard asked Storme if he feels he wants to talk to someone. Storme said there will be a time to deal with that. He said that time isn't right now. Howard asked if it's playing over and over in his head. Storme said it was for a long time. He said hearing the gun fire on the news he has to turn down the sound.
Howard said Storme must be exhausted. He said he's been up all night. Storme said that he has to give it to the fans and the first responders who helped. He said that was neat to see. Howard said he just went out there and tried to help. He said that he did the best he could and that's pretty fucking awesome. Storme said it's not a heroic thing. He said he has just as much flight in him as he does fight. He said you don't know how you're going to react.
Howard said it's crazy that they were just enjoying a show and his happened. Howard said this is a lot to deal with. He said he's honored to work with Storme. He said he's glad he did what he did and he appreciates him talking to him about it. Howard said people are just angry. He said they're saying now that this guy killed himself. He said he just got word on that.
Howard said he appreciates what Storme did out there. He said he's a brave man. Howard said people wonder why he never goes anywhere. Howard said he just got a note from Scott Greenstein saying he still has to do his show today. He was joking of course. Storme said they're going to need some time to recover from this. Howard let Storme go a short time later.
Howard said Storme has been called the Dick Clark of country radio. Howard said that's some story he had. Robin said it's a scary thing. Howard said he'd have to hide behind Robin if that ever happened to him. Robin said this is the worst mass shooting in the country's history.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Sarah Silverman has ever tried to bang him. Howard said she has of course. The caller said he could hear it in the interview. Howard said he's not sure who he got that out of the interview. Howard said he does love Sarah. He said that she looked great. Howard said he didn't get the read that she wants to hook up. Robin and Fred didn't get that either. Howard said he did watch that movie of her's and she doesn't remember it. Howard said it was weird the way she was going off on him. The caller said he got a feeling that she was into him. Howard said he's not sure about that. Robin wondered if the caller misreads everything in his life like that. Howard said maybe they're the ones misreading that stuff.
Robin read a story about Hugh Hefner and how he was living at home with the woman he first had sex with when he started Playboy. Robin said that fantasy he was writing about became his life. Howard said it was a dream lifestyle he was writing about. Robin said he wasn't living that way at the time. Howard said it was a fantasy. Robin said he turned that into an industry. Robin said there was controversy over his death. Robin said some lauded him and some didn't. Howard said they did. Howard said if you missed Ronnie's eulogy then tune in later. He said they're not sure exactly what Ronnie said. Robin said there were stories that came out about Hef and how gracious he was. Robin said this woman wrote about how some men at the Playboy mansion weren't so nice. She claims she was kicked out of the mansion when she turned this aggressive guy down.
Howard took a call from phony Arnold clips. The guys played clips of phony Arnold talking about Hef's death. They had him telling Robin to shut up a lot too. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about S.I. Newhouse dying over the weekend too. Robin read about that guy and what he did. Howard said that he has to give a shout out to Monty Hall too. Howard said Monty was the creator of Lets Make a Deal. Howard said they had him on the show and he told some great stories. Howard said he had an idea for a game show that didn't take off. Howard played a clip of Monty talking about how he came up with Lets Make a Deal. Howard said the people on that show were such assholes. Howard had some clips to play. He had one where a woman had $2,000 in prizes and they asked if she wanted what's in the other box. He said 9 times out of 10 they'd take it. Howard said people are idiots. He said he walked in with nothing and worked up to 2 grand. Then she blew it. She ended up with $35 worth of candy. Howard said that's why that show was great. He said people are nuts.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who wanted to talk about Hugh Hefner's death. Howard said he already did his eulogy and Ronnie did his too. Howard said Ralph spent a lot of time at the Mansion. Ralph said he was getting faxes for parties over there. He said he had a 3 to 1 rule which was girls to guys. He said he heard a girl complaining that there were too many girls there. He said they didn't know if you had something going on. He said he hooked up with one girl and she had to tell the people there what issue she was in. Howard asked Ralph about the girl he got. Ralph said this girl was in an ancillary magazine. He said he got her at the right time. He said it was one of the best nights of his life. Ralph said that they can't all park there so they'd bus people from UCLA. He said he was on a special list so he could drive right up. Howard said they eventually woke up and changed that. Howard said the girls go there looking for Leonardo DiCaprio and they end up with Ralph. Howard asked if he told the girl that he was someone. Ralph said he doesn't think he had to. Robin said she had to be vetted so she must have thought Ralph was too. Ralph said he had her fooled. Howard said meanwhile he's washing his underpants. Ralph said someone has to do it. Ralph said there's a great documentary about Hef on Amazon. Howard thanked him for the call. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said Brent was telling him he dated a Playmate and dumped her. Howard asked who does that. Howard said he doesn't believe the story. Robin said there's something wrong with this story. Howard asked Brent how he got this girl. Brent came in and said she wrote a letter to him when he was a Promotions director at a radio station. He said he met her at a restaurant for a meeting. He said that she was from Cleveland. Howard saw a picture of her and asked why he'd break up. Brent said he was like 24 years old and he broke up with her. He said that she got to slow dance with Howard in Cleveland. He said he would go to movie premieres and stuff. He said it was a whole thing he was doing. Howard said she wrote about how she wanted a guy with thick hair to run her hands through. Brent said he had hair at the time. Brent said he was on the air on the weekends during that time. He said that he was getting girls back then because they heard him on the weekends at the beach.
Brent said it was bad. He said she worked at the station after they broke up. Howard said that has to be tough. Howard said that's quite a feather in his cap. He said she was Miss April 1989. Brent said she's no longer with us unfortunately. He said she had an accidental overdose. He said he was sad to hear about her dying. Howard let Brent go and did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said that Sal was suspended from high school for hanging Playboy pictures in his locker. Howard said that's Sal. Robin said he didn't know it was wrong.
Robin said this month is breast cancer awareness month. Robin said the White House was bathed in pink over the weekend. Robin said that Julia Louis Dreyfus announced she has breast cancer. Howard said that he saw that. He said that bummed him out. Howard asked why they would schedule that for Cocktober. Howard said after the show he has to check Robin for lumps. Howard said Julia seems very nice. He said he met her once.
Howard said when Sal's father heard about his suspension for the Playboy thing his father threw a ladle of pizza sauce at him. Howard said that might hurt. Howard said Sal says his dad wore Playboy boots. Sal came in and said his dad had a whole wardrobe in his trunk. He said he had underwear and other things with the logo on it. He said he'd open the trunk and he had all kinds of stuff in there. He said he had Charlie perfume in the trunk and he did that so he would smell like a woman all the time so he could use that as an excuse for smelling like a woman. Sal also told the story about his dad throwing a ladle at him. He said he had to run to the front counter to get away from him. Howard said Sal says when he gets angry he takes a garbage can and throws it at the fence. Howard said no wonder he has so much anger in him after hearing those stories about his dad.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the beginning of the Supreme Court term. Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his George Takei impression. Sour was moaning a lot so Howard gave up and said he doesn't have time for that.
Robin read a story about celebrities stepping up to help Puerto Rico. Robin said Jennifer Lopez has donated a million dollars. Robin said the guy who wrote Despacito is doing the same. Robin said that other entertainers are raising funds as well. Robin said that things are still desperate down there. Robin said Trump and the Mayor down there got into it over the weekend. Robin had some audio clips. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about Puerto Rico from his golf club in New Jersey.
Robin read a story about STD rates climbing. Robin said they were at a record high in 2016. Robin said California is particularly high.
Robin read about OJ Simpson being released from prison over the weekend. Robin said that some people think he will move back to Florida. Robin said he's also looking to sell an interview. he's looking for a pay day around 3-5 million. Howard said no one cares. He said no one should give him any money.
Robin read a story about Steven Tyler saying he didn't have a seizure while on tour. Robin said he had to cancel his tour but he's insisting he didn't have a seizure or a heart attack.
Robin read a story about Marilyn Manson being hit by some prop guns on stage at a show he was doing on Saturday. Robin said they say it may be because he tried to climb them before they crashed down on him. Robin said he was taken to the hospital after that. Howard said the video looked frightening.
Robin read about the playoff season starting for baseball. Robin said that she might have to watch now.
Robin said the movie ''It'' was back to number 1 at the box office this weekend. Robin said Tom Cruise's movie didn't do very well and it's the worst opening for a movie with Tom Cruise in it. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show talking about how he's shot out of a cannon this morning. He said he got some sleep and had his coffee. He told Fred to fire that cannon. He said he drank the whole cup of coffee because it wasn't that hot. He said he's also looking for a granola that's not covered in sugar. He said if they're not they have honey on them. Robin said he has to make his own. Howard said he lives in America and doesn't have to make his own. He said everything is in a bag. Howard said he doesn't even know where they grow granola.
Howard said he's been reading about Las Vegas and he was reading that the guy who shot the people was a rational normal guy. He said he got into gambling and selling real estate. Howard said the weird thing was that his dad was on the FBI most wanted list and he was a psychopath. Howard said the guy was raised by a psychopath but he left him when he was 7. Robin said they say that it could be genetic. Howard said maybe it's just a coincidence. Robin said a psychopath isn't someone who goes psycho. Robin said you don't usually see this out of a retirement community. Howard said it usually comes out in your 30s at the latest. Robin said that you have a lot of weird stuff going on around you.
Robin said they say that one of the best rehab things for criminals is just aging. She said She was thinking that this guy may have had some sort of dementia. Robin said maybe he lost whatever it was that stopped him from doing this before. Howard said he was thinking it was just part of the family and whatever it had to do with his dad. Robin said the brother was interviewed and he's outside flailing around. Robin said some of the footage made him look a little... Howard said he would run out to any camera and say he didn't know this guy at all if he was his family.
Robin said She would be in a suit and remain calm. Howard said they've learned that the crazy acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.
Howard said he's just waiting for Fred to go off. He said he was wondering who around there could do that. Robin said She was thinking about everyone She knows and if anyone could do that. Howard said he doesn't know that many people so he doesn't know anyone.
Howard said he was watching the news and hearing from the people who lost people in the shooting. He said he heard about a guy in the military who survived over in Afghanistan and then he gets killed at the concert.
Howard said one guy had written a story about what it's like to be shot at in war. He said it's the most horrible thing in the world and you never get over it. He said he had written this and then he got killed by this guy in Vegas. Robin said the other stories are the ones about heroism. Robin said some people got hurt or killed saving others. Howard said he read about one guy who walked behind his wife and he saved her life by taking a bullet. Robin said She saw footage of people running up to this woman who was driving and asked for her car. Robin said the woman gave her car and told them to just take it. Howard said they know how they'd react during that. Howard said they wouldn't give up their car.
Howard said it's horrible and one of the worst things ever. Howard said he was sitting there thinking about who in his life would go off. Howard said he realized it was him so he stopped thinking about it. Robin said She knows it's not her. She said She did go through a period where She wanted to kill her news director. Howard said she's healthy now. Howard said they know it's Fred but they're just afraid to say.
Howard said Hugh Hefner died and now he's out of the news because of this Las Vegas thing. Howard said then Tom Petty died and he's barely getting any coverage. Robin said it was a crawl on CNN. Howard said Tom always kind of got second place treatment. Howard said the guy was fucking awesome. He said he was an amazing song writer and musician. Howard said even in death he's overshadowed. Robin said not much will be said about his death. Howard said he'll give him a send off. Howard said he'll do that and they have Cocktober celebrations. He said Sal and Richard are going to have a cock fight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said no one saw this guy come into his room with the guns so they're saying it could have been someone else. Howard said he's not sure about these conspiracy theories. Howard said he always went with the story about Kennedy being shot. He said that he'd go with the Warren commission. Howard said this guy checks into his room and then the cops show up. Howard asked how he got out. The caller said he killed himself after it happened. Howard said this guy thinks the real shooter shot him in the head. The caller said that he's not a conspiracy theorist. Howard said he's just going to go with that.
Howard said he was talking to someone at dinner recently and he's too rooted in reality so he's just going to go with this guy. Howard said he's new to this game though. Howard said he's going to say that he has found that it's almost impossible that this guy killed anyone. Howard said he's already having trouble with this. Howard said the guy bought a bunch of weapons under his own name. Howard said he wants to say that he had the guns planted on him. Howard said forget it and it's crazy to think that. The caller said it was just good to get on the air with Howard.
Howard said Alex Jones has a conspiracy theory about the Las Vegas shooting. Howard took a call from fake Alex Jones who said he has inside sources that it's the work of the lizard people. Howard spent a minute talking to fake Alex Jones before hanging up on him. Howard told him to come up with a better story. He said he wants a real conspiracy. He said he should do a second take.
Howard took another call from fake Alex Jones who had a better conspiracy this time. Howard didn't last long this time either.
Howard said that Tom Petty was a smoker. He said he remembers seeing him with a cigarette in his mouth all the time. Fred said he got involved in drugs a few times too.
Howard asked Fred if he thinks that he was better than Springsteen. Fred said he thinks he was. He said that Springsteen is more grandiose. He said Tom was more down to earth. Fred said he liked Tom better. Howard said Gary was telling him that Brent is an expert on Tom Petty. He said Gary also says that Fred is out of his mind about Tom Petty and Springsteen. Gary got on his microphone and said that Bruce writes about real life stuff too. Fred said he doesn't like writing about talking Chevys.
Howard said Gary's teeth almost flew out of his head over that. Fred said he saw Gary's head spin in his mind when he said that.
Howard said Brent told Gary that Tom Petty was to him what Springsteen is to Gary. Howard said he always hears people compare those two. He said Brent was saying he's an expert on Tom Petty.
Howard said he has a statement that Tom Petty's manager sent out. Howard read that statement about Tom having cardiac arrest and he was taken to the hospital and died at 8:40pm. Howard read through that and it said he was surrounded by family and friends. Howard said that must have been a busy room. Howard said he should have gone.
Howard took a call from a woman who said She likes Tom Petty over Springsteen. She said She has been a huge Tom Petty fan her whole life. She said She was heartbroken by the news. She said that CBS News had reported his death early. She said he was on life support. She said his daughter was upset about that. Howard said he was pretty much dead. He said that's pretty much the perfect way to go. He said there was no long illness. Robin said you just wake up dead one day. Robin said you go to sleep and just never wake up. Howard said maybe it's not that peaceful.
Howard let the caller go and got back to talking about Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Howard said they just finished a tour. It was going to be their last. Howard said Tom wanted to spend more time with his granddaughter. Howard said that never lasts. He said they think they want to do that but then they get bored.
Howard said Tom sold more than 80 million records. He won a bunch of Grammy awards. He said he was nominated 18 times. Howard said he'll play some songs. Howard played ''Breakdown'' and said he played this a million times. He said he was never a big fan of that song. He said he'll play the songs he really loved later on.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were doing an impression of the woman who just called. They were making fun of some of the things She was talking about earlier.
Howard said he just read a report that said they're going to euthanize the Heartbreakers because there is no reason for them to be around anymore. Robin said they stayed together all this time and never had any battles. Howard said he read that Dave Grohl worked with Tom on an album and he was offered the drummer position. Robin said She didn't read that. Howard said Dave went off and started the Foo Fighters after that. Robin said the Heartbreakers were dropped but Tom liked having a band around him so he put that back together.
Howard said there was also ''American Girl'' so he played some of that. Howard said they broke through with 'Don't Do Me Like That.'' He played that song too. Howard said it's another song they played into the ground. He said you can't listen to that. He said he can't listen to it at all. Howard played a bunch of other songs like ''Refugee'' and ''Here Comes My Girl.''
Howard said the other thing he remembers about Tom Petty is that the band was so hot that the record company decided to raise the price of their album by a dollar. Howard said they were selling so many they were going to raise it. Howard said Tom threatened to name the album 8.98. Howard played ''Stop Draggin' My Heart Around'' and talked about that. Howard said that Gary has more followers on Twitter than Tom Petty does. Gary said maybe he never tweeted. Gary said it doesn't make sense. Gary said they do say that it's not a personal account so maybe that's it.
Howard said he really liked the Traveling Wilburys. He said that Tom took some time off and did some stuff with a bunch of guys. Howard played ''Handle with Care.'' Howard played that and said he lived that one.
Howard said that this song ''Free Fallin'' is one of his favorites. Howard said this is something he can get into. Howard played the song and let it play a bit. Howard said that ''I Won't Back Down'' was great too. Howard said he got to see him play in some guy's living room. Howard said he liked Tom but he went to a birthday party and Tom did a full 2 hour set in this guy's living room. Howard said it was a whole concert. Howard said he was invited to the birthday. He said he hasn't been invited back since. Howard said the guy owned the company when they came there. Howard said he sold it since. Howard said that it was the greatest party ever. Howard said Tom Petty was playing just feet away from him. He said it was as close as this thing in front of him. Robin said that's Fred. Howard said that's right, Fred's nickname is Thing.
Howard said it must be uncomfortable to have people so close. Howard said he was probably like ''What the fuck...'' Howard said he must have been paid a lot of money to play for them. Howard said he heard it was like a million bucks for one night. Howard said he felt like a groupie sitting there on the couch. Howard said he felt like he should have blown him or something. Howard said the room was full of really wealthy people and most of them didn't even care. He said he just sat there.
Howard played some ''I Won't Back Down'' and said he liked that one too. He said there are some songs he really liked. Howard said he's like that guy singing along at the concert. Howard played some ''Running Down the Dream'' but said he didn't like that. Howard said ''Mary Jane's Last Dance'' was good. He played some of that. He said the video for this one was really weird. He said the song is really good. Howard said one of his favorites was ''You Don't Know How it Feels.''
Howard said the song had ''Lets roll another joint'' in it and MTV took it out of the video. Howard said everyone is smoking weed. Howard said you can't hear about it or that will promote it. Howard played some of the song. Howard said that's a great song. Fred said he thinks he wrote this song with a beat box and they brought in the drummer at the last minute.
Howard said this is a eulogy. He took a call from a guy who asked why he never had Tom Petty on. Howard said he tried for years to get him on. He said he was going to come on but he wanted to do it from L.A. in a recording studio. Gary said he's not a morning person so they were going to try to get him to come in and he would have done it via satellite. Howard said it got so complicated that they didn't do it. Howard said they just didn't get it together with him. Robin said it must be nice to live your life where you never get up in the morning. Howard said it must be great to be that free. Howard said there are a couple of big celebrities who want to do the show but they get into a pissing contest. Howard said they want to do it in the afternoon. Howard said he says that's cool but his show is on from 7 to 11. He said they ask to move it. Howard said he's not going to move it because that's not respect for what he does. Howard said they don't move shows randomly. Howard said if you want to be on the Today show you get up and do it in the morning. Howard said they ask to tape the segment but the fun is being live.
Howard said he has to go into Brooklyn to do Kimmel's show in October but he's doing it because he's in the city. Howard said he won't move his show so these people have to do it during show hours. Robin said Paul McCartney got up early in the morning to do it. Howard said that guy is a living legend and he did it. The caller asked if they get pissed at Howard. Howard said they deal with Gary so he doesn't know. Howard said he won't back down like Tom Petty said.
Howard said he has a funny Tom Petty story. He said they had a Program Director named Steve Kingston at K-Rock. He said that Tom came out with a song called ''The Last DJ'' and Steve came to him and said that Tom wrote a song about him called ''The Last DJ.'' Gary said this was around the time that the FCC was giving Howard a hard time. Howard said they came to find out it wasn't about him. He said Tom wrote it about this guy Jim Ladd who was a famous DJ in California. Howard said he doesn't know much about the guy but he was one of those guys like Scott Muni. Howard said he was fired up about it and thought it was cool. He said they played it on the air. Gary said they played it and it didn't sound like it was about him. Howard played some of that song. Howard said it would have been cool if he had written it about him. He said he's pretty sure this is about Human Newman.
Howard said he's not a real fan of that song anyway so he's glad it's not about him. He said it would have been cool. He said maybe they're better off because it's not that good a song. Howard said the other thing he remembers is that he was up on stage with Prince and did a tribute to George Harrison with him. Howard played some of them covering ''While My Guitar Gently Weeps.''
Howard said Don Felder was in the Eagles and he claims he taught Tom Petty guitar. Howard played a clip from an interview he did with Don where he talked about that. Don talked about teaching Tom how to play and how he charged him $3 an hour.
Howard said this just in... Tom Petty is alive again. Howard said just edit out this obituary. He said they'll save it for when he's dead again. Howard said he really is dead. Robin said She read about how he got into the Beatles and he got to play with them in the Traveling Wilburys. Robin said that the Birds also did a cover of one of his songs and he was influenced by them.
Howard said he has one last Tom Petty story. He said this is interesting. Howard said he has to get it right. Howard said Don Henley had a hit that was rejected by Tom Petty. Howard said don told them that the guitar player from the Heartbreakers wrote a song. He said Tom rejected the song and he didn't want to record it. This guy Mike Campbell brought it to Don Henley and it turns out it was ''The Boys of Summer.'' Howard played a clip of Don telling the story during an interview with him he did a couple years back. Howard said that was a great song. Robin said it was beautiful music. Howard said he gets it that Tom didn't want to do it because it didn't grab him.
Robin had some quotes from Tom Petty and he said that he has learned to forgive. Howard said Oprah said that. He said that's not Tom Petty. Robin said he had a rough childhood and he was beaten by his dad. Music was his refuge. Robin said he says he learned to forgive everyone for what they had done to him. Robin said he also said that if he can't do that then he forgives himself.
Howard said Tom had a channel there on SiriusXM. Howard said he listened to him a couple of times and some of the music was way out there. He said it was some stuff that you'd never hear. Howard said he painted a picture of Tom when he started painting.
Robin read some more quotes from Tom Petty. Howard said it sounds like some shit Robin would put on her web site. Howard said Robin's big thing is forgiveness too. Robin said it gets you out and frees you up.
Howard said there were many Robin song parodies written to the tune of Tom Petty songs. Howard played a couple from Little Mikey.
Howard said it's time to take a break. He said that was his obituary for Tom Petty. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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Howard played a man on the street interview bit where they asked people about Anthony Weiner for ''Toddler Radio.'' After that they played a Ronnie Mund custom message commercial parody.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's calling to complain about Cocktober. She said it's only day 2 and She wonders why women aren't getting to talk about cock. Howard asked what her complaint is. She said She wants it to be more women friendly. Howard asked who said it's not women friendly. The caller said She doesn't want it to be homo erotic. Howard said of course it is. He said he doesn't get what she's saying. Howard told the caller to pitch and idea. The caller said they need women to come in to judge cock. Howard asked who is eliminating her from it. Howard said cut the fucking bullshit and call in when She has something to say.
Howard said they haven't even judged any penises. The caller said She wants to come in and judge some penises. Howard got rid of her. They played a Cocktober promo and a Baba Booey song parody. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard said it's time for some Cocktober fun. Robin said she's sure he can't keep this up for the entire month. Howard said he bets he can. He said they're going to stick with it. Howard said some babies are complaining about it out there. Howard said he's not going to listen to them.
JD let out a laugh because Richard was stretching out his cock. Howard said they never have boners and they're going to have a boner fight. Richard said he was going to ask JD to fluff him up. Howard asked if Sal and Richard's penises have ever touched before. Richard said no. Howard said they're going to touch now. Howard said they're going to dip their penises in paint and slap them on each other. Sal said the person with the most paint loses. He said it counts as a point when you touch.
Howard asked Jon Hein what color paint he's holding. Jon had green for Sal's penis. He was holding Sal's paint. JD was holding Richard's paint.
Howard said the studio looks like a Dexter kill room. He said they don't want to get paint all over the place. Howard said the boys have to stand in a ring. They can step out and reload their paint. Howard said they lose their job if they find any paint on the rug. Sal said Richard wins, goodbye.
Howard asked how long this is going to go. Gary said the rounds are 1 minute and they'll go as long as Howard can stand it. Howard said he figures it'll last about 45 seconds. Howard said these guys aren't uptight about their dicks and they think this is funny. Howard asked if anyone thinks they'll get hard. Richard said it could be. He said that he might get hard if he rubs up against his leg. He said that Sal has some length on him with his foreskin. Sal said he has a good half inch of skin out there.
Howard said he's never had a boner fight before. He asked if kissing should be permitted. Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that She loves Cocktober. She sang a song and She said She wrote a bit too. She was telling him what it was but Fred played her off with loud music. They played a Cocktober promo too.
Howard said the guys are going to dip their cocks in paint and they will slap each other around with their cocks. Howard said they have to stay in the ring. Howard said if they step out they are disqualified. Howard said they also can't use their hands. Howard said he didn't know that. Richard asked if he can use his hand to dip in the paint. Howard said he thinks that's a yes. Robin said She thinks so too. Howard said that JD should dip Richard's cock for him. JD said that's alright. He won't be doing that.
Howard played a clip where they introduced Richard saying his dick is 6.75 inches erect. Howard said Richard took off his robe and danced around. He said he showed his entire asshole too. Richard said he did that for Howard and Jim McClure.
Howard played an intro for Sal and said that he noticed he's doing a dance too. Sal was doing his Elvis moves. Howard said he did a Karate move. Sal said he calls that his Cockta. He was fully shaved too. Richard said he has a trail above his cock like a trail. Howard asked why he didn't shave it all. Sal said it's like Groucho Marx. Howard was cracking up. He said it's a landing strip but very wide.
Howard said Richard has shaved down a bit. Richard said he's growing out. Robin said on size alone Sal should win.
Howard asked who is going to dip first. Gary said they have a couple of rules first. He said they also have to bump cocks first. They're going to show good sportsmanship. Howard asked if Sal is prepared. Sal said he has to do what he has to do. Gary had the boys go in and touch cocks. Sal sounded like he was freaking out. Sal didn't seem to like that at all. Richard said he might have an advantage there. Howard said these two cock-letes will do anything for the show. Howard asked who is going to dip first. Gary said Richard will go first. Richard went in and told JD to dip it. Howard told him to dip his own cock. Richard got some paint on his cock. Howard said Sal got his paint on too. Howard said you can't use hands. Richard dipped in again because he didn't have as much paint as Sal did.
Howard said his money is on Sal. Sal said he's going down. They started the round and they both went in and slapped their cocks around. Howard said no hands. Howard said Richard was jumping up and down. Howard said Sal is now doing a karate move. Howard said Richard used his hands so he has to deduct points. Howard said Richard almost knocked Sal down. Howard had them stop the clock. Howard said this is history on the show.
Sal said that was harder than he thought. He said Richard was loving around a lot. Howard asked to see the paint. Howard asked what they think after the first round. Gary looked and said that below the belt they're equal but he's giving the first round to Richard. Howard asked if they're going to do a second round or just stop this. The guys figured Richard won. Gary was showing what Richard had and how Sal was covered on the sides by Richard's paint. Howard said that Richard got in a lot of body shots. Gary said Sal has more paint on the front of him. He said he thinks Richard won that.
Howard said this is the best of 12 rounds. Robin said that Sal got rid of his paint because his cock is no longer green. Howard said Richard is the Muhammad Ali of cock fights. Richard told Gary to hold his cock up.
Howard said this was a great event. He said he should see what the audience thinks. He took a call from a guy who said this is amazing. Howard said Richard looks like he fucked a bag of Cheetos. The caller asked if they can uncensor the web site and show this in full. Howard said they would have the biggest viewership ever if they did that. Gary said he's sure Sal's family would love to see it. Howard said they should be able to post it on their web site. He said it would be funny if it was uncensored.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that they're going in the wrong direction with this stuff. He asked how they went from the Sybian to this. Howard had Gary give Richard the cock crown. They had 3 big dildos on it. Richard said he will wear that proudly.
Howard asked JD if he had anything to say. JD congratulated Richard. Jon said he and Sal will get him next year. Howard wrapped up and said this was very exciting. Howard said that they really put it out there today. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who wished them all a happy Cocktober. The caller said that was a great bit earlier. He said that the best line was when Sal said that it was ''harder than I thought'' and Richard said ''Yeah it was.'' Howard said every day in Cocktober they'll have something cock related. Howard said they're going to try to get that stuff up on the web. Howard said it might be the biggest thing on the internet.
Howard said that Whitney Cummings is there. Howard said She has a new book out (I'm Fine...And Other Lies). Howard said he became aware of her when She was on all of those roasts. Howard said She looks great. Whitney said it only took 3 hours of work. She said She has a whole group of people to help her. Howard said She is good looking and She must not like that. Whitney said She has such bad body dysmorphia and She thinks She looks bad. Howard said he's seen her in a bikini a lot and She looks great. Howard said he can't believe she's not in a relationship. Whitney said She actually is.
Howard asked if no guy is good enough for her. Howard said She looks great and she's brainy. Howard said She is a bit crazy though. He said if you read her book she's almost bat shit crazy. Howard said he wonders what it would be like to be with her. Whitney said She is eager to please. She said She has a big mouth but her teeth get in the way. Howard said he thinks She doesn't want anyone to have anything negative to say about her. Whitney said She is a comedian so of course. Howard said he wonders if she's yappy all day. Whitney said She feels she's starting to quiet down. She said She gets her emotional needs met in different ways now.
Howard asked if She can be in the house with him all day and not be on top of him. Whitney said She used to have to work hard to get love so She would be like that. She said She was very annoying but now She can do her own thing and not wonder if a guy is mad at her. She said She is really paranoid about being addicted to a person so She doesn't have sex right away. She said She has fallen in love with people She doesn't even like. She said She has an addictive personality.
Howard asked if She was anxious to see Sal and Richard's cock fight. Whitney said that She wanted to see that. She said that guys cover it up so expertly that She never sees them flaccid. Howard said he doesn't want Beth to see him in his small state. Whitney said they know it's not hard all the time. Whitney said guys always run out of the room right away after sex. Howard asked if She lets guys look at her body. Howard said Beth goes out and washes up. Whitney said it depends on where you finish. She said they have to do some clean up. Whitney said She can handle that alone. She said She likes to clean up her own mess.
Howard said he likes to clean it up. He said his stuff is like snake venom. Whitney said that She likes to let it dry first. She said that way it won't drip anywhere. Howard said he wraps something around his penis and quickly gets out of there. Howard said Beth gets out of bed too. Howard said they got it done and they get out. Howard said he'd like to lay there. Whitney said She would too. She said that She has intimacy now and she'd like to lay there.
Howard said Whitney is an exceptional beauty. Howard said he and Beth talk about that a lot. Howard said She is smart and She has money. Howard said She talked about dating this doctor guy and She thought he was the one. Then She was done. Howard said no man is good enough. Whitney said she's dating a guy who is good enough. Howard asked who he is. Whitney said She doesn't want to screw it up. She said he is amazing. She said She wants to protect this. She said being a comedian is impossible. She said he's there this morning. Gary said Howard called for her and the guy left. Howard asked why he left. Whitney said he's never seen her do stand up. She said she's afraid that it's unattractive to men. Howard said it is attractive. Howard said a secure guy can deal with it.
Howard asked if the guy went to work this morning. Whitney said he did. She said he's an art director. Whitney said he's a New york guy. She said She thinks he's going to come west. She said she's trying to make this work. Whitney said Howard saw her at her peak crazy. She said at 28 She thought that it wouldn't be cute in her 30s so She did something about it. Howard said She goes to some weird psychic. She said She did that just once. She said She tried to go to healers. Howard said it was Evelyn the Healer. Whitney said She had never cried as an adult. Howard said this healer holds her jewelry and then what. She said that She rubs the pain out of you wherever you hold your pain.
Whitney said She was a love addict. Howard said he feels like she's trying to figure out life but she's already figured it out. Howard said She has hit television shows and she's doing all of this great stuff. Howard said just lose yourself in your work. Whitney said She feels she's there now. She said that She has made a lot of mistakes and She is so afraid of being not self aware. Howard asked why She chose Evelyn the Healer. Whitney said that She only went to her twice. Howard said She went to Vera the Therapist too. Whitney said She is her therapist. Howard said She liked her t-shirt with a wolf on it. Whitney said She gives no fucks and that's what She likes. She said that She thinks she's healthier now.
Howard asked what happened to the doctor She was dating. Whitney said She was chasing people who were unavailable. Howard said She thinks too much about herself. Howard said She is a busy person so how did She have time for a guy like that. Whitney said She was too comfortable and She was unable to receive love.
Howard asked Whitney about being a stand up and if She has to write her material. Whitney said She does. She said it haunts you all the time. Howard said he imagines She works out every day. Whitney said She was over doing it for a while. She said She was binge eating and then going to the gym for 3 hours. She said She goes 4 hours a week now. Howard said she's writing stand up and then She comes up with the idea to bring Roseanne back. Howard said she's busy with that and he loved the idea when She told him about it. Whitney said that a lot of the original members are in it. Whitney said that they have Norm Macdonald in the writer's room and Wanda Sykes is there too. Howard asked how long that takes. She said it's like all day. Now she's on a book tour too.
Howard said the doctor was perfect for her. Howard said he's busy and she's busy. Howard asked how she's going to handle this new guy if she's working. Whitney said She has to work to escape her pain.
Howard said in her book She admits She froze her eggs. Whitney said it's a painful thing they do. She said they put a dildo inside you and it's like 4 times the size of Sal's dick. She said they put a condom on it and She wondered why they do that. Howard said they probably reuse it. Whitney said they figure out how many eggs you have left since women are basically rotting as they age. Howard asked who puts the dildo in you. Whitney said that a guy explains it and a woman does it later. She said she's in a room and her legs are spread. She said they put lube on the dildo. She said they spear it in there and your vagina comes up on a TV screen. She said there is nothing in it for her. She said the nurse makes weird small talk during this procedure. She said that She never even looks at it. Howard asked if that's painful. Whitney said it is kind of emotionally.
Howard said he thinks that She could get a husband in no time. Whitney said that guys are weird around her. She said that they will try to roast her or something.
Howard said Whitney's new book is called I'm Fine...And Other Lies. He said that She used to write for roasts. Whitney said you have to be emotionally numb to do that. She said that She thinks that they should do them monthly though. She said that everyone is offended by them. Howard said he doesn't see the roasts now. Whitney said that it's hard to find someone to be the roastee. She said the last one was James Franco and before that it was Charlie Sheen. She said that they have to be broke or narcissists. She said it's either David Hasselhoff or Donald Trump. Howard said he could never do it. Howard said it's too weird for him. Howard said the people have to be offended by the jokes. Whitney said it's brutal. She said you go into your dressing room and cry. Robin said She had Whitney come to her before the Joan Rivers roast and apologize before the roast. Whitney said that She was saying all of this stuff about Joan and She was brutal. She said that She said her vagina was so old it had a separate entrance for black cocks. She said that her face wasn't moving during the roast so She had no idea if She liked it. Howard said that is the worst when she's insecure and her face isn't reacting.
Howard said Carmen Electra asked to be roasted and She wanted to be made fun of. Whitney said this was for Showtime. Howard said Whitney wrote some jokes for Carmen. Whitney said that She had written some for Pam Anderson that She just gave to Carmen. Howard said then Carmen walks in and says She can't wait to make fun of herself. Howard said She hands her the jokes. Howard read from the book about how the room went silent after She read the jokes. Howard said She thought She was ready to make fun of herself. Howard read some of the jokes that She wrote for Carmen. Howard said that Carmen started crying after reading some of the jokes. Howard said Carmen quit the show after that. Howard said you feel bad but that's the only way to be funny.
Whitney said it's really hard to teach someone low self esteem. Whitney said that they used to roast each other growing up. She said that it was constant. Howard said he was roasted his entire life too. Whitney said that her last name is Cummings so he was made fun of from a very early age. Howard said his dad used to say he was Miss America walking down the stairs. Whitney said that leaves a mark. Howard said that's why he called his book ''Miss America.''
Howard said he wants to be in the room with Carmen Electra. Howard asked what that was like. Howard asked if the head of Showtime was upset about losing her. Whitney said it was not good. She said it was like a panic. She said that there was confusion too. She said that She watched her figure out how She was perceived. Whitney said She was just trying to not get fired. She said She thinks they got someone after that. She said it was intense.
Howard asked why Whitney shot the cover of her book in a water tank. Whitney said She wanted a compelling cover. She said She wanted it to be powerful. She said She wanted to feel like She felt in her life which was like She was drowning. She said they shot in an actual tank of water.
Howard said Whitney talks about her eating disorders. Howard said She thought She was fat. Whitney said She was a thick girl when She was young. She said She was very large as a 10 year old. Howard said then She started playing sports. She got skinny after that. Whitney said She got attention from that. She said guys were paying attention to her. She said She was only eating raisins for like 6 weeks. She said She was fearful of food and she'd stick to just one food every day. Howard said She says from 14 to 18 She ate rice cakes and apples. Whitney said She wants to tell people to change but it's not so easy. She said the more you try to help the worse they get.
Howard said She didn't have a lot of friends because She didn't want to go out and eat. Whitney said She didn't want to eat anything with oil in it.
Howard asked if She did any modeling. Whitney said She did some. Howard asked if other girls hated her because She was so pretty. Whitney said She has no idea. She had no friends.
Howard asked how old She was when She did stand up. She said She did it at 22. Howard asked if She was horrible the first time. Whitney said She killed the first time but then She sucked for 3 years after that. Howard asked how She knew what to do. Whitney said She just told a story about a date. She said She tried to do it again but it bombed. Howard asked why that was. Whitney said She was being inauthentic. She said She did a shitty impression of herself.
Howard asked if She was popular in high school. Whitney said She wasn't. She said She was dating guys outside school like 35 year old Armenian guys. She said She was looking for a father. Howard said he tried dating girls from other schools. He said he didn't have long relationships. Howard said he dated like once. Howard said he would have liked one.
Howard said Whitney had her first and only abortion at 17. Whitney said that was her only. Howard said She had no idea She was pregnant. Whitney said they did an ultrasound and found She was pregnant. Whitney said She used to get cysts and it turns out this one had a heartbeat. Whitney said the way the guy told her was so dismissive. She said that She just didn't process it until a couple of years ago. She said that it dawned on her what happened. Howard asked if She regrets not having it. Whitney said not at all. She said She would have messed that kid up.
Howard asked who the guy was. Whitney said it was some older guy. She said he was probably 25 or something.
Howard said he learned that when her titties developed one side was nice but the other side didn't come in. Whitney said She had eating disorders from such a young age that it affected her breasts. She said it was like a nice cup at Starbucks with cities on them. She said She had a C-cup on one side and the other was an A minus. She said She had Scoliosis too so She looked like She was melting off her body. Howard said She used to wear multiple bras to even them out. Whitney said it worked until someone saw it or She got in the water. She said if it rained She was screwed. Howard said She made it work. She said it became a routine.
Howard asked how long it took to write this book. Whitney said it was 8 months of constant writing. She said She had to take a lot of Aderal. Howard said She must be rich from Three Broke Girls. Whitney said that must be the spin off because it's actually Two Broke Girls. Howard said he heard that CBS wanted to buy the syndication rights to the show early on. Howard said She must get some cut on that. Whitney said she's told She should be but she's not. She said there are so many people involved that it's not that much money. Howard said She must have a lot of money. Whitney said She does have a lot more than She thought She ever would. Howard said he read She was worth like $50 million. Whitney said that She has to go out and sell this book and she's not making a lot of money off of that. She said She has a complex about this stuff.
Howard said when you talk to Whitney She has so many issues. Whitney laughed and said everything is a thing. Howard said it's too much. Whitney said She hopes after this book She can release it all. Howard said She has trust issues and body dysmorphia. Whitney said She always thought She had to lose weight. Howard said She seems to be the perfect weight now. Howard asked if She has any cellulite. Whitney said every woman seems to have it. She said that women have to have it to bare your offspring.
Whitney said She used to find things on her face that She would obsess over. She said HDTV doesn't help with that.
Howard said that Whitney has sexual attacks in her book. Howard said every woman seems to have that. Whitney said that She does talk about that in the book. Howard said She went for a run and She did that a lot because of her body dysmorphia. Whitney said She would run 5 miles a day. Howard said She must have been dizzy all day. Whitney said She was. She said She was like a zombie. Howard said she's out for a run and a homeless guy comes up to her and grabs her vagina. Whitney said She was minding her own business and running and this homeless guy comes out of nowhere. Whitney said She wears loose shorts when She runs. She said She doesn't wears underwear. She said She was kicked out a gym for not wearing underwear and doing sit ups in front of a mirror. She said it's a nice breeze down there. She said that She is really comfortable in the shorts with no underwear. Howard said that's hot. Whitney said it's so weird that people don't do that.
Howard asked if any guy has ever just moved her shots aside and fucked her. Whitney said she's not sure if she's ever done that. Whitney said She would want to take a shower first. Howard said he likes a little stink on a girl but Beth likes to clean up.
Howard said they kicked her out of the gym for that. Howard said they should have given her a lifetime membership. Howard said She was showing her meat curtains. Whitney said the manager came over to her and asked her to wear underpants from now on. Howard said he was seeing lippage. Howard asked if She wore a bra top. Whitney said She would wear a sports bra. Howard said then this homeless guy grabbed her. Whitney said he got her from the back. She said he had three fingers and it was this insane thing. She said that She was trying to find a way to describe it. She said She just froze and looked at the guy in the face and then sprinted away. She said She just ran so fast. She said She kept running for like 2 hours.
Howard asked Whitney to tell him about this boyfriend She had that She broke up with. Whitney said She was like 21 and She didn't know how to break up. She said he came to see her and they had words. Then the guy came back and jumped on top of her. Howard said he pulled her pants off. Whitney said this is something that was so surreal to her. She said She forgot about it until She wrote the book. Whitney said so many women have stories like this. She said She read that so many women are assaulted by their partners. She said it was about power when this guy did this. She said he pushed her down and he had his hands on her throat. She said he raped her. He said he started having sex with her and something came up and She just said to him if he didn't get off of her then she'd kill him. She said he did get off of her. She said that he snapped out of it. She said She just ran and went home. She said the next day She didn't think about it for years after that.
Whitney said there are so many women who have had that happen to them. She said it was important for her to talk about that. Howard said most women don't talk about it. Howard said they can't prove it and they don't bring it up. She said She had to get it out there.
Howard said look at her with her book. Whitney said She writes about stuff that She hopes will help people. She said that these are things that worked for her. She said that she's not just complaining about this stuff.
Howard said Whitney has done a ton of work on herself. Howard said She has gone to a ton of healers and people like that. Robin asked if She thinks she's really going to stop acting crazy. Whitney said She does. She said She was worried to get her shit together because She was worried it would make her less funny. Howard asked how crazy She really is. Whitney said She gets involved in a lot of weird stuff. Howard said She has this emotional thing. Whitney said She had to rewire her brain. Howard said She must be fun in bed. He said he thinks the initial bang would be fun. Howard said he'd like to ask her man what she's like. Whitney said he did say something to her the other day about her being really combative. She said that's a comedian thing. She said that they can't let things slide.
Howard asked who She thinks is out there killing it. Whitney said that Bill Burr is. She said that Seinfeld is too. She said that he's so Zen with the whole comedy thing. She said that was inspiriting to her. She said that She loves getting out there and saying something that no one has gone through.
Howard asked if she's involved in a lot of Trump humor and stuff. Whitney said not really. She said She thinks that the audience wants a break from that. She said She had a couple of jokes. She said she's going to try them out tonight at Gramercy. She said she's doing a show with Neil Brennan. She said that she's going to try it out and see how it works.
Howard asked about the book signing thing. Whitney said she's going to 14 cities and doing comedy and then signing books. Howard said he did book signings. He said that he wrote with Ratso Slomin. Howard said he never should have put those books out. He said they're not really finished. Whitney asked if he did audio books. Howard said he couldn't do it. Howard said he asked James Earl Jones to do it. Howard said David Letterman did a bit where he had him read a piece of his book. Whitney said that's amazing.
Howard asked if She got an advance on her book. Whitney said She did but She spent it all. She said She spends it all on dogs. She said She supports her family too. Howard asked what She spends her money on. Whitney said She had her ear surgery and She has to get the other one done.
Howard said he would go to book signings and spend 10-12 hours doing it. Howard said he would stay there and sign books if someone took their time out to do it. Howard said he signed 16,000 books on one signing. Howard said his fans were great. Whitney asked if he took pictures. Howard said he didn't. He said people didn't have cell phones back then. Whitney said they want pictures and other recordings done. Howard said he can't put up with that.
Howard said he is not good looking so he can't do the photo thing. Howard said he has to be at the right angle. Howard said he can't sit through that. Whitney said he is handsome. Howard said she's wrong. Howard said it was a nice experience signing books. Howard said everyone was very nice and complimentary for the most part.
Whitney said it is nice to have that because if you go online you get the negative comments. Howard said the first time he did a signing he didn't know if anyone would show up. Howard said as a kid he went to Roosevelt Field Mall and saw some guys signing a book. He said they were standing there and no one was there. Howard said he had that image in his head. He said they spent like an hour with just one guy. Whitney said that sometimes people get nervous and start insulting you by accident. Howard said he imagines people will hit on her. Whitney said She gets advice like ''You should do Marvel movies.'' She said that's the kind of thing She gets. Howard said he gets that too. He said people will ask why he doesn't have President Obama on his show. Howard said maybe the guy doesn't want to do the show.
Whitney said She has people give her jokes like she's going to use them. Howard asked if anyone ever gives her good advice. Whitney said that's a good question. Howard and Whitney came up with more stuff they could tell her to do.
Howard asked if she's working on a new sitcom that she'll be in. Whitney said she's finishing up Roseanne. She said the other show will be next year. Howard asked about coming up with the Roseanne comeback. Whitney said She didn't come up with it. She said that it was Sarah Gilbert and Tom Warner. She said that they called her to help out. She said She had a take on it and Bruce Helford was available and they came up with the ideas and they will shoot the first one on Friday. She said She will miss that and the 2 following. Howard asked if She came up with the story arc. She said She came up with some. She said She had a few ideas. She said they had all of these great writers in there and came up with stuff. Howard asked how long the days are. She said they stick to a regular schedule. She said the writers are great and it's like leaving your kid at the mall for a week when you miss the first taping.
Howard asked Whitney about what it's like writing and having the people reading her lines and stuff. Whitney said it's great because John Goodman can't deliver a line the wrong way. She said that Roseanne is great too and all of the original cast are there.
Howard asked who came up with hiring Norm to write. Whitney said that Bruce Helford worked with him on his show Norm. She said that Norm is great at writing. She said that he has brilliant jokes. Howard asked about how that works. Whitney said that he comes up with such logical stuff. Howard asked if they can tell him one of his jokes isn't working. Whitney said that they haven't had that yet but She wouldn't want to be the one to tell him that. Whitney said they have to agree that the jokes are working and it has to be consensual.
Howard came up with a concept for the show and asked who turns the thing down. Whitney said that it can be the silence from the writers. Howard said someone has to turn it down. Whitney said that She and Bruce are Executive Producers in the room and they are the final word. She said that Bruce is really the boss. She said that they're doing it together but he runs with the ball.
Howard asked Whitney about dating guys and banging them even if She didn't like them. She said that was her codependance. She said that She wasn't comfortable with it but She just wanted to get it over with. She said that she'd feel like it was just platonic or something and she'd just do it. Robin said She knew a girl who could not say no and she'd do anyone who asked. Whitney asked if She was into it. Robin said She would come home crying and she'd be so upset saying She didn't want to let the guy down. Howard said that's how he got Beth.
Howard said if Whitney wants to be married you put yourself in the mindset that you want to be married. Howard said his mother told him that anyone can marry if you want to marry. She said you can make yourself fall in love. Whitney said She doesn't want to marry the wrong person. Howard said he was taught there is no ''right'' person. He said you have to put yourself in that mindset. Howard said according to his mother you can make yourself love someone. Howard said he thinks Whitney just doesn't want to be married. Whitney said She saw so many bad relationships growing up. Howard said he has heard Whitney talking about guys and talking about the things that She doesn't like and She talks herself out of it. Whitney said she's doing it to protect herself.
Howard said Whitney went and got boob surgery on the one boob. Howard said they matched them up and it was a failure. Whitney said they botched it the first time. She said it was like a fruit salad. She said that She had a divot in her boob. She said She didn't tell anyone She was getting it done. She said later on when She asked about reconstructing the reconstruction She got a lot of advice on who to go to. She said the first guy was located by the airport.
Howard said if you only have one implant does that mean the boobs will sag differently. Whitney said She never even thought about that. Howard said he'd think that one side is perky and the other is kind of tired. Whitney said she'll just stand kind of slanted. Howard asked if they feel the same. Whitney said they do. Howard said now She has matching boobs. Howard said one is real and one is fake. Whitney said basically yes.
Howard gave Whitney some plugs for the book and the tour she's going on. Howard said she'll sign books and take pictures with you. Whitney said She feels weird plugging a book with what's going on in the world right now. She said it's embarrassing. Whitney said she's not sure a book even matters now. She said that nothing really matters. Howard gave her another plug for the book and
Howard said you can go to WhitneyCummings.com for tour dates. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and let the song play a bit. Howard said these guys are really good. He asked what a government mule is. Fred said he doesn't know. Howard said the guy singing sounds like he'd have a big cowboy hat on. Fred said he thinks he'd have big forearms too. Howard said this guy is good. Robin said it's Warren Haynes. Howard said he's from the Allman Brothers. Howard said it's all coming back to him now. He said he knows who he is.
Howard said Robin is a big Government Mule fan. Robin said her friend is. That's how She knew. Robin looked up what the Government Mule thing means. Robin told Howard what it refers to. Robin said her friend goes to all of their shows.
Howard said he'd like to see Robin get it on with her friend Susan. Howard asked to hear the Beatles version of the song. Fred said he can find it. Howard said Cheap Trick has a version of that song too. Howard told Fred to forget about that. It's taking too long.
Howard said he was thinking about Hugh Hefner's death and he didn't realize there's a Hugh Hefner impersonator. Howard said they interviewed the guy and now he says he will only appear in tributes for Hugh Hefner. Howard said he's not sure how in demand he is. Howard wondered what that entails. Howard said he's not sure why he's only appearing in tributes. Howard said he has a clip of his announcement. Howard said they should call him and ask what he would be willing to do.
Howard said he was totally consumed with this clip. He said he sort of looks like Hef. He said that there's a little person impersonator too. Howard asked who that can be right. Howard said he wasn't little.
Howard played the clip of the Hugh Hefner impersonator talking about what he's willing to do now that Hef is gone. The guy said it's only going to be tributes to Hef. Howard said he wants to know if he'd ref the Sal and Richard cock fight.
Howard said this guy appears to be about the same age as Hef. He said he must have been playing him all along. He said he's not sure how old he is. He said he will only pay tribute to Hef now. Robin asked what else they'd call him for. Howard said they want to see if he'll blow a guy but he may not do that now. Howard said he thinks he'll take any gig he can get.
Howard said Jessica Hahn was out by the Playboy Mansion handing out brownies after Hef died. Howard said they could have this impersonator go out and fool her. Howard said he's not sure what Jessica was doing with the brownies. Howard said She used to stay at the mansion. Gary said he spoke to her over the weekend and She told him that Hef saved her life. Howard said he really did. Howard said She loved Hef. Howard said they should get impersonator Hef to visit her. Howard said he could be the ghost of Hef. Howard said she'd be eased by that.
Howard did his ghost voice with echo on and talked about going to visit Jessica. Howard said Hef only saved hot chicks. Howard said he doesn't remember him saving any ugly chicks.
Howard said Hef was like Beth with kittens. He said that he saved them and sent them back into the world. Howard said he would love a stray Playmate.
Howard said they interviewed a guy who brought his family to visit the Playboy mansion after Hef died. Howard played a clip of the guy talking about why he brought his kids over there. He said his kids don't know anything about Hef but later in life they will. Howard said they have to know history. Howard said the guy brought his 8 year old daughter there.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra released a video when Hef died. Howard played the clip of Lenny talking about Hugh Hefner dying at 91 and he wanted to make some things clear. He said he was invited to the mansion a few times but he never went. He said he doesn't watch porn and that wasn't his scene. Lenny said may he rest in peace. He said he sure did get a lot of pussy.
Howard said Lenny thinks he's the pussy king now that Hef is gone. Howard played a clip of Lenny taking that title in his video. Lenny said he's number 1. Howard asked who is number 2 now then. Robin said Lenny was 2 and now maybe Derek Jeter is number 2. Howard said he loves that he put that video out. Howard said it says here that Jon Hein is number 2 now.
Howard said Shuli called a few Wack Packers and asked about Hugh Hefner dying. Howard said Big Foot wasn't able to hear him. Shuli had to speak loud because Big Foot wasn't able to hear him. Big Foot said he feels bad about that. Big Foot said Hef made movies, right? Big Foot said he watched them all but didn't know the name of any of them.
Howard said Big Foot clearly has some kind of hearing problem. Howard said Shuli called Underdog and asked her about Hef. She didn't remember who he was. Howard played that clip and Underdog said She didn't know who he was. Shuli told her about Playboy and She knew what that was. Underdog said She knows who he is now. Howard said She had issues with what he made the Playboy club waitresses wear. Howard played a clip of her talking about that. She said the outfits around the breasts and loins were very scant. Howard said she's the best. He said She revealed that her dad was into Playboy. She didn't sound too choked up about that. Howard played another clip of Underdog talking about her father being a subscriber. Underdog said that her mom was very angry and sore about that. Shuli asked if he stopped subscribing. Underdog said he didn't.
Howard said that he knew she'd have a strong reaction to that. Howard said She reminds him of Tiny Tim. He said he used to be into products and he'd come in and talk about them. Howard said he would talk about adult diapers and things like that. Howard said he was the best.
Shuli came in and said that She has a lot of Tiny Tim in her. He said they went to an ice cream place and She had opinions. He said one of the guys got a vanilla and chocolate combo and She doesn't want that. She only likes vanilla. He said She doesn't like strawberry because it has particles in the straw. Howard said that She agreed to come on the show. Howard said he would love to interview her about that. Howard said maybe he should talk to her.
Howard did his Tiny Tim impression talking about various things he liked. Shuli said that Underdog likes a burger and a milk shake. He said She wasn't worried about where it came from. He said that it depends on what's around her. Howard said Tiny Tim was the best. He said he died in 1996. He said that's hard to believe. Howard said he can't figure out the years there. Robin said that one should be easy. Howard did his long math and figured out it was like 21 years ago. Howard said he tried to do that as fast as possible.
Howard said Tiny died of a heart attack because he didn't want to be told what to do. Howard told Shuli to see what he can get out of Underdog with her products.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks. Janks brought up Tom Petty and wondered how Keith Richards is out living them all. Howard said that those guys just party on and it's quite remarkable. Howard said he wouldn't use them as an example. Janks wondered how he's outliving all of these people.
Howard asked Janks if he's still gay. Janks said of course. Howard asked if he's in a relationship. Janks said he's not right now. He said he does it with younger guys and he's one and done. He said Grindr is a godsend for him. He said he can have a guy in his bed in 25 minutes. He said he's a top so he's not doing anal. Howard asked if he's getting blown and fucking guys. Janks said he's getting blown and blowing guys. He said he has tried anal but he didn't like it. He said it's very painful. Janks said he's one and done now with his guys. He said he's still having a good time with it.
Howard asked him to describe a perfect asshole. Janks said tight and clean in that order. Howard said that's a new thing for him. Janks said this is his 4 year anniversary. He said he's been out for quite a while now.
Robin asked Janks if he has gotten more gay with his appearance. Janks said no. He said guys can't peg that he's gay. He said he has had guys say that they never would have had him pegged for gay. He said that they have good gaydar too.
Janks said he's enjoying the company of the younger guys. Howard said he's an older guy now and he's with the younger guys. Robin said he's making up for lost time. Robin said he's trying to experience what he didn't have.
Howard said he saw Janks posting about asking for stuff on a Wishlist. Janks said he's just doing it because other Wack Packers are doing it. He said he's not getting anything though. Howard said he's looking at his wish list and it's all Monkees and Star Trek stuff. Howard said it's all shit. Howard said he also wants the complete series of Coach on DVD. Janks said that was a great show. Howard said he has to go do the news now. He let Janks go. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked how long the concert was. Robin said it was about 2 hours. Howard said She must have been annoyed. Robin said no. She said She was thinking about it and She has been immersed in rock music her whole life. She said She wanted to hear this classical stuff. Howard said she's so full of it. Howard said he would rather watch a beheading video than sit through 2 hours of a classical music concert. Howard said he would freak out. Robin said these musicians are so accomplished. Howard said it's so boring. Robin said it's amazing.
Howard had Fred play some piano music. Howard said he couldn't last through this. He said that Robin's friend Simona is very pretty. Howard said he's never going to sit through that. Howard said if She loves him she'll never invite him to anything like that. Robin said She hasn't yet.
Howard said he's not sure how much longer he can take listening to this piano. Fred said this is Simona performing. Howard said he's dizzy with the hunger to leave this planet.
Howard said Robin isn't really sick of rock music. Robin said She just has the whole history of rock in her head.
Howard asked Robin if She was into the guy She went to the concert with. Robin said he's married and has a family. Howard asked if her hand slipped on to his cock. Robin said that didn't happen.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his George Takei impression asking Robin if She said She was sick of ''cock.'' Robin said She said ''rock.'' Howard asked George about the classical music and then asked him to play piano with his cock. Sour did that and performed some Rolling Stones as George Takei.
Robin started her news with a story about this month being Cocktober so she's going to be doing some cock related stories. Howard asked if she'll do that all through the month. Robin said she didn't do it yesterday because of what was going on in the news. Robin said from now on she will try. Robin said today they're talking about several school districts in California that are looking into a music instructor contaminating flutes with his semen. Howard said that's a terrible story. Robin said that the may have contaminated the mouthpieces of the flutes. Robin said that they're asking the parents to take the flutes and put them in paper bags and turn them in. Howard said he had a teacher shit in his tuba.
Robin read a story about the global citizen-fest where they talked about the wrongs that are going on in this world. Robin said that they're talking about sex trafficking and things like that. Robin said Jane Goodall came out and gave a chimpanzee greeting to everyone. Howard said he heard about that because Gary gave him an interpretation. Robin had a clip of Jane making her chimp sounds. Howard asked Gary what she was saying. He said he's just trying to be funny at his expense. Howard said he's sorry about that. Fred played some sounds of Gary acting like a chimp. Robin had Howard play the clip again. Howard wondered what the hell she was talking about.
Robin asked how people are going to make money if the robots take over jobs. Howard said he heard a guy talking about that. He said that the robots will do so much that people won't need money. Howard said we'll have everything we need. Robin said robots are going to replace cashiers at a Shake Shack in New York City. Robin said the orders will be taken by a robot. Robin said people will get text messages to let them know when their food is ready. Fred had audio of Ronnie the Robot telling him he was going to stick the food in his ass and ''Beep, Boop. Fuck you.'' He also said ''Cock ring activated.'' Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the President commenting on the first mass shooting that took place on his watch. Robin said 59 are dead and over 500 are injured. Robin had some audio of what Trump said about the shooting. Howard said he feels weirded out because Trump is a different guy when he's Tweeting. Howard said he's the compassionate guy when he's doing this. Howard said knowing Donald he doesn't think he likes this part of the job. Robin said he ordered the flags be flown at half staff. Robin had audio of him talking about that and his visit to Las Vegas.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's driving home to Vegas now. He said he wanted to know his opinion because there are copycats and he's wondering if we have to fear this. Howard said we have to fear everything. He said that's why he stays in his home mostly. Robin said they asked a woman who survived this if she would ever go to an outdoor festival again and she said yes and we have to live life to the fullest. Howard said he has given up on that. Howard said he won't live his life to the fullest. Howard said he went for a walk in a full suit of armor yesterday. Howard said of course this is going to change everything. Howard said this was a gun, tomorrow it's a car. He said it never ends.
Robin said that they have said the outdoor events would go away and this is what a drone attack would be like. Robin said this guy was high up and had a vantage point for this and everyone was a target. Howard said he has been sequestered since Robin has known him. Robin said he's like Big Foot. You only get occasional signings. Howard said he read that people were right back in the casino gambling. Howard said that's Vegas. He said it's crazy what's going on out there. Howard said he's sequestered most of the time and that's why.
Robin said stock in gun companies are going up after this mass shooting. Robin said they thin there will be a lot of gun sales after that. Howard said this is becoming more and more common. He said he believes there are more good people in this world than bad. Robin said they're saying they didn't find any automatic weapons in his hotel room. Howard said you can't have machine guns. He said you can take an AR or something and make it automatic. Robin said there are semi-automatic weapons that you can add to. Robin said the adapter to make them automatic isn't illegal to buy. Robin said that's probably what he had done. Howard said that's exactly what he did. Robin said they're still wondering what this guy was thinking. Robin said he liked to gamble and they're not sure why he did this. Robin spent a few more minutes going over the details of that story.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't purchase a side arm without someone climbing up his rear end and this guy had hoards of weapons in his house. He said that a weapon isn't light and there's no way he got all of them without someone knowing. Howard said he didn't purchase any of them illegally. The caller said he knows that. The caller said he owns 80 weapons but he's a professional. He said that he was in the military and he loves to shoot. Howard thanked him for the call.
Robin read more about this Stephan Paddock and how there are already rules coming out about allowing police to carry guns in NFL games. Robin said that people are thinking about what to do to make these outdoor events more safe. Robin said they want the police officers to be able to carry their guns.
Robin had some audio of James Corden talking about gun violence on his show. Howard said he didn't know what he felt. Howard said he thought he did Carpool Karaoke. Howard played the clip and said that you go to France and some guy gets in a truck and runs everyone over. Howard said no one can take the guy out. He said it's a very complex situation. Howard said he should do a show called Carpool Preaching.
Robin had some audio of Stephen Colbert telling President Trump to pass legislation on gun control. Howard was pitching more of his Carpool Preaching bit after that.
Robin said Miley Cyrus was on Jimmy Fallon last night. Robin had a clip of her opening the show with a song. Howard said she'll be on the show tomorrow morning.
Robin had some audio of Jimmy Kimmel just about weeping on his show when he was starting his show. Jimmy said Vegas is his home town and he's very upset. Howard said you gotta love Jimmy. He said it's a horrible thing to see unfold on TV. Robin asked what you say to your children about this. Howard said you tell them it was make believe and it didn't happen. Robin had some audio of a psychologist giving some advice on what to do. That led to Howard doing his impression of his parents talking to him about tragedy.
Robin read a story about CBS firing an executive who said that she's not sympathetic to the victims of the shooting in Vegas. Robin said that she's a former corporate lawyer. Robin said she said on social media that country music fans are often republican gun toters. Howard asked how you don't know not to say that. Howard said that Facebook is the greatest. He said that one guy was posting what he ate for dinner. Howard said people are starved for attention. Robin said that she just texted Howard when she was letting him know what she was up to. Howard said he accepted that under protest.
Robin said that Bill O'Reilly is posting on a blog now what he's up to. Robin said he blogged on his web site and said that the massacre is the price of freedom. Robin had some other statements about the shooting.
Robin said that Jason Aldean is supposed to be on stage this weekend in California. Robin said that they're wondering if the show will happen now. Howard said he's not sure. He said that's a tough one. Howard said he has to be traumatized. Robin said that one musician is changing his mind about gun control after the shooting. Robin said this guy says that we clearly need gun control.
Robin read about how President Trump is on his way to Puerto Rico to see what's going on down there after the hurricanes.
Robin said that Hugh Hefner's widow is in disbelief after her husband died. Robin asked how that's possible when the guy was 91. Robin said she should have expected it every day. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started the show talking about how they have a big show today. He said Miley Cyrus is coming in. He said they have a 9 piece band coming in. He said she's going to sing up a storm. He said she's going to do a bunch of her hits. Howard said she's like 23 and she's been famous since she was 9. Howard said he's not sure how she handles life. Robin said she seems much older because she's been around so long. Howard said she's actually 24. He said she's going to do some acoustic-ish versions of her songs. He said she'll do some other things too. He said he's looking forward to it.
Howard said he asked her to do ''Party in the USA'' and ''Wrecking Ball'' and a couple other ones. Howard said he likes it when they do them acoustically. Howard said a lot of young performers won't do live because they do lip syncing. He said she actually sings. Robin said she has a very strong voice.
Howard said Ronnie is in some kind of Twitter war with Bobo. He said he wants him to just stand in the hall and not have a personality. He said it's like he's in the Wack Pack. Howard said he's always fighting with the audience.
Howard said he respects that he has an audience and likes the people in it. Howard said Ronnie called Bobo a jerk. He said he's a fan and he doesn't need him doing that.
Howard had Bobo on the phone and he said Ronnie called him a wannabe hack last night. Howard said Ronnie took a picture with Whitney Cummings yesterday and Bobo asked if he was the real Ronnie or Flat Ronnie. He said Ronnie called him a jerk.
Ronnie came in and said Bobo is always knocking him. Howard asked him to stop calling his fans names. Ronnie said he has nothing to say. He said he won't do it anymore. Howard asked him to apologize. Ronnie left the studio. Ronnie said he'll always think he's fucking wrong. He said fuck that shit.
Howard said he did a lot of things wrong yesterday. Ronnie asked what he did. Howard said he can't stand in the hall and not be a personality. Howard said he's not the only one complaining about it. Howard said he was taken aback. He said he had a long day yesterday. He said he was there late. He said after the meeting he was talking to a bunch of the writers there and Ronnie interrupts him. He said Ronnie asked if he wanted to see something fucked up. Howard said it's everywhere today. Ronnie stopped him from bringing it up. Howard said his point was that he was in the middle of something and he interrupted him. Howard said he had a picture of something fucked up. He said he threw it in his face. Howard said he didn't know what it was. Howard said Ronnie is crazy.
Howard said he did it to Jon Hein too. Howard said he didn't tell them what it was. He just said it was something fucked up. Howard said it was a picture of a woman who he didn't really want to think about in this way. Howard said Jason was disturbed by it too.
Jason came in and said that they didn't even get that picture in the office. He said only Ronnie had it. Jason said that Ronnie came in and just said ''Take a look at this...'' Ronnie said everyone was looking at it already. He said he stuck his nose in. Jason said the phone was out in a bunch of people's faces. Howard said Ronnie is supposed to stand in the hall and keep his mouth shut.
Howard said that Ronnie is the guy who talks and carries on too much. Robin said he was yelling at the radio alone in the green room. Howard said he can't do that when Miley is there with her musicians. Ronnie said he's not going to do that.
Jason said this is such an aggressive fuck you to everyone there. Howard said he should study Jon Hein who has zero personality. Ronnie said he's angry. Howard said you don't know what's in that head. Ronnie said he knows he has rage in that head. He said Jon tells him that. Howard said he'd like to tape that conversation.
Ronnie said both of them have a lot of rage and they talk about it. Howard asked if that's true. Jon was on his way in. Bobo brought up testing Ronnie's driving but Ronnie said he's not going to do anything with Bobo. He said Bobo puts shit out there too. Howard asked if he's picking on him. Ronnie said he puts out a lot tweets about him. Bobo said they're not negative. Howard asked if he has an example. Ronnie said he has nothing.
Howard said that Bobo is going to test him. Ronnie said he won't get in his car. Howard said he can have him in the car if he wants.
Jon Hein came in and said that Ronnie stuck this picture in front of him and he didn't know what it was. He said he didn't know if he wanted to see it or not. Howard said he has talked to Ronnie about this before. He asked what's going on with him. Ronnie said nothing is going on. Howard said he gets charged up when he gets air time. He said that's what this is all about. He said that's what leads to him talking about Bobo and all of this. Robin asked if he's trying to get air time. Howard said that must be it. He said he's Hollywood Ronnie.
Howard asked why he's showing pictures in the hallway. Ronnie said he's in the hall. Howard said he doesn't want him doing that. Ronnie said he sits on the toilet with his phone. Bobo said it's getting fecal matter on it.
Howard asked Jon about the anger he has in him. Jon said they talk about being angry drivers. He said that's the rage he has. Ronnie said it's also the elevator thing.
Jon said that Ronnie can't control himself with the stuff he wants to share with everyone. He said he thinks sometimes he doesn't think if the other person wants to get into whatever it is. Howard said he saw it but he didn't want to see it. Jon said he heard Ronnie show him. Howard said it was stuck in his head the rest of the night. Howard said he did the same thing to Jon. Jon said he had no idea what it was going to be.
Howard said this was a fucked up picture and he showed it to people without asking. Howard said he wouldn't do this to Robin. Howard said he's not going to show a picture of a woman in a car accident to Robin without her knowing what it is. Jon said this is when you know Ronnie is really angry. He's being quiet and he's in Ronald mode now.
Howard said he was in the middle of a sentence when he interrupted him. Ronnie said he was done talking. Howard said he was not.
Bobo said that it wasn't him on Twitter saying things negative about him. Howard said that's right. He said if he had any negative stuff he'd be reading it to him. Howard asked if Bobo has ever insulted him on Twitter. Bobo said not really. Gary had some comments from Bobo about Ronnie. He said Bobo wrote some stuff about him reading at a 1st grade level and Ronnie wrote back about him being a hack. Howard said Ronnie is at war. Bobo said he's afraid of the driving evaluation. Ronnie said he is not.
Howard said years ago ISIS beheaded a person and people watched. He said this is like what Ronnie shows people. Howard said he could have pulled him aside and asked if he wanted to see it. Ronnie said he could have said no. Howard said he trusts him to tell him before he shows him. He could have said what it was. Howard said he just asked if he wanted to see something fucked up. He assumed it was fucked up good and not fucked up bad. Fred did his impression of Ronnie showing him this shit and had Howard cracking up.
Howard said he's shocked he's never been jailed for his Twitter stuff. Gary said he was in the office yesterday and Ronnie was showing it off to a lot of people out there. He said once he got the right reaction he was bursting to show it to Howard. Howard said he trusted that he'd show him something interesting. Howard said he was in the middle of a conversation and he interrupted him. Howard said he was walking to his office and he stopped to talk to the guys. Ronnie said he was getting ready to leave. Howard said he was not.
Howard said he assumed it was something urgent. He said he showed him the image and this was so bad. He said that Robin should never look at it. Ronnie said he deleted it. Howard said Robin has to see it now. Howard asked if she wants to see it. Howard said she can tell him if people should be wanted about it. Howard said maybe not show it to her. He said she doesn't need that.
Gary said that Ronnie and Bobo have been fighting for days. He was going back and reading some stuff. He said Ronnie was going off on him about his reading. Robin said he's like High Pitch Erik who can't read anything without getting upset. Howard said he has to think about who his arch nemesis is. He said he's a guy with a dead raccoon on his head. Bobo said he's afraid of the driving evaluation. Howard said he's not afraid of that.
Howard said he's just asking Ronnie to ask people if they want to see this stuff first. Howard said maybe just stand there and not show anyone and just stand there. Howard asked if he's going to apologize to Bobo. Ronnie said he can go fuck himself. Ronnie said he's sorry to everyone there but not Bobo.
Howard asked how many people he showed the picture to. Ronnie said it was maybe 6 or 7. Howard asked if he was the last one. Ronnie said he was the big arena. Ronnie said Jason stuck his nose in when he was showing it to everyone else.
Howard said that if he was asked to see a beheading tape he might say no. He said that's what this picture was like. Ronnie asked if he's not going to his bachelor party. Ronnie didn't answer. He said he was never invited. Howard thanked Ronnie and said he was just trying to teach him something. He said he should keep that stuff to himself.
Howard said this is his work place and he can't do that stuff. Howard said he just has to stand out there doing his job. Howard said he will do that today but on Monday he'll be back to doing his thing. Howard said he can show his friends outside of work but not at work. Howard said he's so glad he doesn't run an H.R. department. He said he'd pull his hair out with this guy.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of Ronnie and goofed on him for a short time. They were coming up with crazy pictures they could show people at work.
Howard said he slept fine but the image was in his head last night. He said he's not sure what to tell Bobo. Ronnie said he will block him after the show. Bobo said he can't block him. He asked what he said to him. Ronnie said this way he won't have to deal with it. Howard said do what you have to do. Bobo said he's a baby. He said he's not so vicious to him. Howard said he's really not. He said he's not sure why he's so angry at Bobo. Bobo said they're just one liners. Robin said she can't believe he's so sensitive to Bobo. Ronnie said he's on the phone crying about him attacking him. He said Bobo is a fucking jerk. Bobo said he's just afraid of the driving test.
Howard and Fred did more of their impressions of Ronnie. Ronnie said if he blocks him he won't have to worry about him anymore. He said he is a baby. He said Bobo is getting blocked. Bobo said he's such a baby.
Howard said Ronnie is going to get into a Twitter war with Wendy the Slow Adult next. Howard asked if he would fight with Gary the Conqueror. Ronnie said no. Howard said that's what this is like. Bobo said this is ''Ridic-lous.'' Howard said it really is. He said Ronnie has gone rogue. Bobo said he can't believe he's going to block him. Howard asked whose name is on the show. Ronnie said it's Howard Stern. He said obviously he's an asshole in his army. He said he has to teach him everything. He said Howard is teaching him everything. Howard said he told him to just stand in the hall so just do that. He said he's like Colonel Cunts. Bobo said watch out or Ronnie will block him. Ronnie said Howard doesn't even follow him.
Howard said he's just trying to train him. Ronnie said ''Yes sir General.'' Howard said Fred is no problem and he does what he's told. Howard said Ronnie is the security guy and he should do what he's told. Howard thanked Ronnie and let him go. Ronnie said he's going to block Bobo when he leaves the studio. He said he can't wait to go out there and block him. Bobo said he's such a baby. He said he can't handle it.
Howard said there he goes again. He's arguing with Bobo again. Ronnie said he was going off on him so he had to.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is all his fault. He said he created Ronnie. The caller said if he was driving for anyone like Jeff Bezos or someone like that they'd never put up with it. Howard said Jeff Bezos security wouldn't be arguing with Bobo. The caller asked Ronnie why he cares what Bobo says on Twitter. Howard said he was on fire yesterday. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Ronnie asking Bezos if he wanted to see some fucked up pictures. They had all kinds of fucked up images they were making up.
Howard said he gave him no warning. Ronnie said right, no warning. Howard said that's right. Howard asked the caller if he has security at his job. The caller said he works in a bank and they do and they don't interact like that. Howard and Fred were still doing their impressions talking about crazy images.
Howard said the listeners are their customers and Bobo is one of them. Robin said he's Ronnie's customer too. Bobo said he's got to drive with him. Ronnie said that's never happening. He said he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. He said he won't be driving with Bobo.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how many times Ronnie has been beat up or punched in his life. Ronnie said he was beat up in junior high school. Howard said this stuff is new with Ronnie. He said since he got fame this is what comes out. Ronnie said this isn't new. He said if you don't like it then get rid of him.
Bobo mentioned that Ronnie was in a gang. Howard said they were called The Hitters. Ronnie said it wasn't really a gang. He said they were just guys who hung out. He said they joked that they were in a gang. Howard said they were just kidding around. Howard said he was in a gang called Andy's gang. Howard said it was on Saturday mornings. Ronnie said that was Andy Devine. Howard said now the gang are in wheelchairs. Ronnie said a lot of them are dead now.
Howard took a call from a woman and Fred said ''What's up cunt?'' as Ronnie. Ronnie said that wasn't him. The caller said she's in H.R. so she wanted to call in. Howard was still doing his Ronnie impression. The caller said that it's so funny listening to this. She said a bunch of red flags come up with this. She asked if he was Googling this stuff at work. Ronnie said someone sent it to him. He didn't share it with anyone. He just showed it to people who he thought were his friends. He said they're apparently not. Howard said they're work people when he's at work. Howard told him to calm down with that stuff.
Howard said Ronnie got him good yesterday with that. He said he was showing it to women there too. Ronnie said he asked her if she wanted to see it. Howard said just like he asked him. Howard said he has asked him to just stand there. He said if he has the desire to do that then just have someone punch him in the head. Howard said the voice in his head should say that he wants to do it but he won't do it. He said he needs to do a self muzzle. Howard said he needs one like a dog has. Ronnie said maybe he can give him one and control it himself. Howard said he's going to give it to Robin to handle. Robin said he needs one like a taser. Howard said he should be brought in like Hannibal Lechter. Robin said he won't be able to do his job. Ronnie said he'll stay home and let Bobo drive him.
Robin said there was a movie where George Seagal had a thing go off in his head when he had a bad thought. Ronnie said that's what he needs. Ronnie said he's going to apologize to everyone there for doing what he did. He said he didn't know he offended them. Ronnie said he won't apologize to Bobo. Howard said he can't settle this now. Ronnie said it's over and here is nothing to settle. Ronnie said Bobo won't have to hear from him ever again.
Howard said he's sorry Bobo got blocked and yelled at by Ronnie. Ronnie said he's going to block him as soon as he walks out the door. Bobo said he can't do it. Ronnie said he has time to do it. He said just keep watching. He said watch for that block mark. Howard asked if he tweets when he's shitting. Ronnie said he does sometimes. Bobo asked if he tweeted to him on the crapper. Ronnie said he was taking a shit last night when he was thinking about Bobo. Howard said he is a customer and he pays his bills. Ronnie said yeah, good. He said Bobo won't be in his house anymore.
Howard did his Ronnie impression and said that all the customers are cunts. Bobo was still saying ''Ridic-lous'' and Robin said she can't believe that he can't say that word. Howard said he can say it and he's from Long Island. Bobo said it again and corrected himself. Fred had a drop of Bobo saying it wrong.
Bobo said he can beat Ronnie in a reading contest. Howard asked if they want to have a reading contest. Ronnie said he's not interested in that. He said Bobo can beat him. Howard wrapped up with the two of them and let Bobo go. Ronnie said enjoy the rest of your day. Howard let him go too.
Howard said it was so funny yesterday. He said he was showing him these fucked up pictures. He said he was just trying to talk to the guys and he's interrupting him. He said then he's fighting with Bobo on Twitter. Robin said the rest of Sirius can walk around but they're locked in a cage there. She said it's like being in prison. She said you can't get away from the guy who wants to show a picture.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said they've talked for like an hour. Robin asked if Ronnie will block Bobo during the commercial. Howard said he's probably already blocked. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard said they have an hour before Miley comes in. He said that he promised to play this for Robin the other day. Howard said he asked Wendy the Slow Adult if she would lend him money and she said no way. Howard said Robin liked the game so he did the same thing with Gary the Conqueror. Howard said he called Gary and asked him to send him some money. Howard asked Robin if she thinks Gary will lend him money. Robin said he would if he had some. Howard said yes or no. Robin said yes.
Howard said that he called Gary and asked for some money. Howard said she likes this game. Howard played the clip and Howard called Gary saying that all of his money was blown away in a storm. Gary said he needs money too. Howard asked Gary to lend him some money and Gary said no way. He said he doesn't make much at work. He said he makes about $35. Howard asked for $5. Gary said no. Howard said he has to feed his cats. Gary said he doesn't have any money. Howard said maybe he can go to work and get a free coffee and sell it for a dollar and send him that. Gary said no. Howard asked him to skip smoking for a day and send him that money. Gary said no and called him a cheap fuck. Howard asked if he'll skip a day of bowling. Gary said no to that too. Gary told him to call Jeff the Drunk.
Howard said that's fucking crazy. Robin said these guys have no heart. Howard said he asked for 5 bucks and nothing. Howard said he sent him to the moon and this is how he repays him.
Howard said he'll leave a tip on a check. He said he's not sure when to tip at something like that. Howard said it's a charity event. Robin said the money should go to the charity.
Howard said it's time for a Cocktober event. Howard played a clip of an event that happened on the show when Medicated Pete showed Robin his cock. Howard said that was one of his favorite moments. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he's got another person on the phone who wants to talk about Gary. He picked up on the guys in the back who said that he comes by their lawn and takes a big shit. Howard asked if they ask for autographs. The disguised voice said they do that all the time.
Howard took a call from a woman who said hi to Fred, Robin and Howard. Howard said she's making him cuckoo. The caller said she gets the perspective of Ronnie. She said he thinks it's a big party over there. She said there are times to be funny and times where you have to work. Howard said she hit it on the head. Howard said it's not a party. He said this is where he works. Howard said Ronnie is there to work and not socialize. Howard said the lines are blurred because he's turned him into a star. Howard said he's lectured him a thousand times and it doesn't sink in.
Howard took another call from the guys in the back who were playing Gary's neighbor saying that he fucked their dog.
Howard took another call from a woman who said Gary gave her an autograph at some game she was at. Howard said she must be a phony phone caller. Howard said he has to hang up on her.
Howard took another call from a fake caller in the back office who said he asked Gary for an autograph and he spit on him and set him on fire. He said he made S'mores with his burnt flesh. Howard said he's going to have to talk to Gary about that.
Howard said the woman who called was obviously a fake. Howard said they choose to believe that he does not tip and that he lights homeless people on fire.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked if he picked the Kimmel date yet. She was talking non stop so Fred played her off with loud music. Mariann started singing and Howard potted her down. Howard said the Academy played her off. Howard said he heard something about cock and balls in there. Howard said he will be doing Jimmy Kimmel's show. Howard played a Cocktober promo that Jimmy did. Howard said there is a date but he's not sure what it is. He said he thinks it's Wednesday the 18th. He said he's not sure that's right. Howard asked if that's the right date. Gary said that's a Wednesday. Howard said he wouldn't recommend watching it. He said he's going to look like shit and he's not comfortable doing these shows. Howard said he's embarrassed to have Miley looking at him today. He said Jimmy knows he doesn't want to do TV shows but he feels he's betraying him if he doesn't go on.
Howard said he thought he was brilliant because he told the booker that he wanted to be booked on a date that someone was already booked on. He said they booked that person for another date. Howard said they moved that person and put him on.
Howard said he has a nun on the phone named sister Diane who has something to say about Gary. Howard picked up and said something about Gary and what he did to her.
Howard said Wolfie saw a guy tugging on his dick. Wolfie said he was in the middle of a bunch of families. Howard said that the fans are so judgmental of the players but this is how they act.
Howard played a clip of Roger Goodell speaking and the fans were booing the whole time. Howard said Wolfie also ran into a guy there and he was black out drunk. Howard said he said he had ''excumed'' beer. Howard played that clip and the guy said he was blacked out and he'd had a bunch of beer and liquor. He was also cursing out Roger Goodell.
Howard said that fans don't like Goodell since the Tom Brady thing. Howard asked Wolfie why he thinks it is. Wolfie said they can't celebrate after a touchdown and the Tom Brady thing was huge too.
Howard said one thing the Philly fans hate are the Cowboys. Howard played a clip of a guy talking about knocking out a Cowboys fan by kicking him in the face. All the guy did was wear a Cowboys jersey to the Philly game.
Howard played another clip of a Philly fan talking about hating the black players. Howard said he has another racist guy too. He played that and the guy was talking about how white quarterbacks are smarter than the black. Robin said sort of like him.
Howard said this guy talks about it being proven fact that the black players should be catching and the white players are more intelligent and should be throwing the ball.
Howard said Wolfie asked the fans about Asian football payers and why there aren't more. The guy said they can't see the football because their eyes are small.
Howard played another clip of a Philly fan talking about a player who hit a woman and how he didn't have a problem with that. He said that he should be allowed to hit a woman. He also said any guy who watches the Bachelor probably takes it up the ass. Howard said JD is a fan of that guy who hit a woman. JD said he's a good player.
Howard played a clip of a guy talking about how he'd like anyone convicted of a crime on his team if they're good players. Wolfie asked if he'd be for Jerry Sandusky coaching. The caller said he'd be fine with Hitler coaching if they can win the super bowl.
Howard said these fans can't be upset about a player taking a knee. Howard said Wolfie taped the reaction of the fans when they didn't like a pick. Howard played a clip of that where people were booing at some of the picks. He had a few clips of people booing.
Howard said he doesn't think people are that offended by players taking a knee. He thanked Wolfie for that. Howard did his impression of the guys booing.
Howard took a call from a woman who said they're big Miley fans and they'd love to see her up there. Howard said he can't do anything with that. He said he doesn't think he can get that together. He said he has to go get set up. He said he has a whole thing going.
Howard said he's sorry but he can't work that out. Howard asked if she would start crying if she came up there. She said no. Howard asked who needs her then. Howard asked if she has cancer or anything. The caller said no. Howard said she can't get in. Howard said maybe at the end they can work something out. Howard said he can't guarantee anything. Howard had Gary look into that. Howard said he has to take a break now. He said he has to get the studio set up. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard came back and said Miley Cyrus is there. He set her up and got her on the air. Howard said she's so famous. Miley asked if she really is. Howard said she is. She said she guesses that's why she's there. Howard said she has 9 musicians in there with her today. Miley said they're trying to bring the country to New York a bit. She said it's in the spirit of the country. She said that she's going to give her song ''Party in the USA'' a new meaning today. She said they've been trying to make it hopeful and staying active.
Howard said she's going to do a little bit of the song today and she put a different spin on it. He said there are a lot of horrible things going on. Howard asked Miley what that involves to change the song. Howard asked how she does that. Miley said she's been trying to let her roots shine through. She said it's a hateful time but music is about bringing people together. She said she does things with Happy Hippie and they're trying to make this more about what's going on. She said they're doing it just for Howard. Howard asked if she has changed since that song. Miley said they have.
Howard said that he's had people in there who don't really sing. Howard said there are people who sing to a track but Miley can actually sing. Howard said Ed Sheeran can really sing. Howard asked if it pisses her off when she sees that going on out there. Miley said she just does her. She said that she really doesn't give a fuck what other people do. She said that people are doing art in their own way. She said they're more entertainers. She said sometimes it sucks to see them go out and push play. She said that's not how she rolls. She said she and her guys have been together for 12 years. She said they've known her since she didn't have teeth.
Howard asked her to do a little bit of ''Party in the USA'' while she's warmed up. Miley and the guys went right into the song and it was a little slower than the album version.
After the song Howard said that was beautiful. Robin said it was very nice. Howard said she can sing her ass off. Miley thanked him for that. Howard said he likes the back up singers too. He said that's Io and Julia. Howard asked how she decides to team up with back up singers. Miley said they've all just known each other for a long time. She said she is a harmony freak and she loves them. She said she stacks them up on her songs. She said she hears Dolly Parton doing that. She said that she's on the new record. She said she loves the way she writes.
Howard asked if she's her godmother. Miley said she is but she's not even sure what that means. She said they see each other a lot. Howard said he read that Waylon Jennings taught her how to play guitar or something. Miley said her dad told her this. She said according to him she got all of her guitar lessons from guys like that. She said now that she's older she knows her dad was smoking weed. She said that he was always stoned. She said she'd go down and they were writing songs. She said Johnny Cash wrote an amazing letter to her dad and said he was in his corner. She said she tattooed that on her body.
Howard said he read that she grew up on a 500 acre farm. He said that has to be great. Howard said she was cast on a TV show at 8 and then she goes in for an audition for Hannah Montana. Miley said she hears these kids talking about when they started singing. She said she was always singing in her life. She said it just came from her heart and soul. Howard asked if her parents pushed her into TV. Miley said not at all. She said her dad had his heart stomped on all the time. She said that he found his priorities and she did too. She said that if someone wants to listen to her music that's enough for her. She said the fame comes from that but she would do it with the mask on. She didn't care about the attention and fame. She said she just loves writing songs.
Howard said Miley had a level of fame though. Miley said that some people change and they're affected. She said that they turn into assholes when they get money. She said they put the money first. She said they don't want to go back to living in their car. Howard said he's surprised she's not an asshole. Howard said she has had her ass kissed her whole life. Miley said her mom is there and she'd still take her cell phone away from her even when she was famous. She said she's harder to manage now. Howard asked if she ever told her mom to back off. Miley said she never did go through that. She said she wouldn't be there if her mom wasn't there for her. Miley said being a normal kid has made her hopefully normal. She said she is freaky but she hopes she's not an asshole.
Howard said she was sent to a religious school. Miley said she was kicked out. She said she told kids what French kissing was and showed them and then she got kicked out of school. She said she was so happy she did. Miley said there was no art program there.
Howard asked Miley about being put in the school and getting kicked out. Howard said his father would have beat his ass for that. Miley said the teachers thought they were psychic and could tell them their futures. She said that this is what's wrong with all of the systems in this country. She said they mark these kids up to be bad kids and bad people. She said they're people who have experienced things and have mental issues but they aren't bad people. Howard asked if she's on medication for her ADD. Miley said she's not. She said she is very focused. She said with ADD it has to do with her song writing. She said that her bridges she always shifts. She said she might start off pissed off but then she changes it to being fine. She said maybe it helps her emotionally. She said she may have been worse as a kid. She said that she has grown out of the ADD thing. She said she may have been called a class clown but she was just entertaining the class.
Howard said Miley teaches the kids about French kissing and how did the school find out. Miley said the parents must find out and they tell the school. Howard said then they call her mom and they have to deal with her. Howard said her real name is Destiny Hope. Howard said he thinks that's a great name. Miley said that her dad said that it was her destiny to bring hope into the world. Howard asked why not be that. Miley said the name didn't fit. She said her grandma will call her that but they call her Miley because she was smiling all the time. Howard asked if anyone calls her Destiny. Miley said no. She said that it's just fantasy.
Howard asked Miley about being 10 and getting Hannah Montana. Howard said that things must have changed a lot. Howard said they must teach her on set. Miley said she was around kids so much that she felt like she was in school. She said that must be part of her normalcy too.
Howard said her dad didn't want her playing that part. Miley said they did a pilot without her and it didn't work so they got her. She said that somewhere inside of her that other character was her being normal. Howard said it was a great plot for a TV show. He said it was like Superman and Clark Kent. Miley said it really was great.
Howard asked if she was heartbroken when she didn't get the first pilot. She said she didn't know what it was going to be. She said she sang a song about the beach in her audition. She said she sings a song about the beach now too. She sang the song for Howard. She said she was only 10 singing this song. Howard said it's amazing the way she can sing and she got rejected. Miley said she did but you get back up more determined when that happens. She said she believed in herself.
Howard asked if she got a shitty contract because of that. Miley said her name was Miley on the show so she had to make sure that she still owned that name. She said she had to make sure she didn't sign it away.
Howard asked how soon she became aware that the show was taking off. Miley said it was the next day that she went to ride roller coasters and she was asked for an autograph. She said it became a shit show and she had to leave. She said then she was wishing she could double life it for real.
Howard said she was a little kids and she put out a Hannah Montana album. Howard asked if she would perform those songs in concert now. Miley said she doesn't drink anymore so probably not. She said that she has a song called Younger Now and she loves that she grew up like that. She said she has fans that she's watched grow up. She said that she started Happy Hippie because of that. She said that she's known these kids since they were like 13 and 14. She said she was one of the first kids on Disney who stood up for gay rights. Howard said it's great because she has such a huge following and it helps. Howard said here is an impact. Miley said that she's very proud of the Happy Hippie thing. She said that's one thing in her life she's really proud of.
Howard said Hannah Montana breaks big and then kids are looking up to her. Howard said this is why it's amazing that she didn't turn into an asshole. Howard said it's very tricky. Miley said her mom never let those asshole people around her in her life. Howard said that they read about Drew Barrymore and how she was hanging out with Jack Nicholson at 13. Miley said she went to a sweet 16 at 13 and her mom showed up. She said her mom ripped her out of there. She said that 5 years later she was the one on the stripper pole. She said that you can't protect them from everything.
Howard asked if she was going through a rebellious phase when she was on the stripper pole and talking about smoking weed. She said she was just being herself. She said her mom was her manager because she asked her to be.
Howard said that he got to know her from when she was transitioning and she had the song ''Party in the USA'' and others. Howard said he has some of her music to play. Howard asked about the song ''The Climb'' and how that came to her. Miley said a friend of her's came to her with the song. She said she heard it and she had been in and out of the studio hearing the song being written. She said she didn't write all of her own songs back then. She said it doesn't bother her that she didn't write them all. She said she loves ''Party in the USA'' but she didn't write it. She said she can make it her own now though. She said she was making this record and she wrote all of the lyrics. She said that she was writing as she was going and recording in her trailer at The Voice.
Howard asked if she was worried that her fans wouldn't like her songs. Miley said she did one after Hannah Montana. Howard checked out her albums and asked if it was Breakout. She said it was after that. Howard read some of the other albums and Miley told Howard about the house she lives in now being the place where she recorded her album. She said that her boyfriend wrote the song in that house and she lives in that house now with her boyfriend. Howard said she is still very young and she had to break up with her boyfriend for a while. Miley said she doesn't think she has that codependency. She said that she was able to do that. She said she's all alone in the big city this week.
Howard said that she must trust her boyfriend to leave him alone. Miley said she does. Howard said she met him on a movie. Miley said she did. Howard said they say that's a dangerous place to meet someone. Howard said he did his movie and it was so romantic. Howard said it's so easy to fall in love with someone on a set like that.
Miley said she has put this dude through so much shit. She said that he tells her something and it'll end up in a song. She said she will only play half the album for him so she doesn't upset him. Howard asked if she says fucked up stuff about him. Miley said she doesn't but there are things in there that he might take the wrong way. She said they both do fucked up shit like that.
Howard said he got to know Miley through her music after Hannah Montana. Howard said she's going to do The Climb acoustically. Howard asked if it's tough for her to do it early in the morning. Miley said she's okay. She said she has sprays to use but they just burn her throat. She said it's a singer's spray that burns. She said she doesn't really use it. She said that she is probably trashing her voice. She said that she sees people using special stuff to protect their voices. She said that she doesn't do that yet. Howard said they'll have to have her back sometime to see how her voice is holding up. Miley said she can have him back every 10 years.
Howard asked if she smokes at all. Miley said she doesn't smoke cigs and she gave up weed too. She said that she will never say never to that though. She said that this project means a lot to her. She said that they all mean a lot but this one means a lot. She said she wants to be able to tell people what the album means to her without being high. She said her mom is back there giggling because she might have eaten some edibles that she didn't eat.
hoar asked if she was waking and baking. Miley said she was. She said she was really into that stuff. She said she doesn't drink coffee. She said that coffee is worse for her than Ayahuasca. She said that she did puke a lot from that. She said she's a vegan and she learned that she was vomiting up everything that she had eaten before being a vegan. She said it was really hurting her. She said that she was already a vegan and she was told she was a good person because all of this stuff was coming out of her. She said that people think they're above animals but they're really not. Howard said she's right. Miley said that she was told that she was a good person because she treats it all with respect.
Howard asked where she did this. Miley said she had a Shamen come to her house. Howard asked how that worked. Howard said that's when you know you're famous. Miley said she didn't want to be throwing up in the jungle. She said it is very Hollywood. She said they had a song the Shamen did the whole time. She said if he stopped singing she'd have a meltdown. She said it was a very enlightening thing for her. She said that she doesn't watch a lot of movies or TV because music is something she can envision.
Howard said it's sad that Tom Petty is gone. Miley said it's tough seeing people she grew up with going. She said that George Jones had great Christmas parties she went to. She said that watching the country music scene is the hardest for her.
Howard asked if Billy Joel called her or did she call him to do the song with him. She said she can't remember which way it was. Miley said she did ''50 Ways to Leave Your Lover'' when Paul Simon was on Saturday Night Live. She said that Paul is one of her favorites. She said that she ended up doing two songs with Billy Joel. She said it was one of those things she got to check off her list. She said that Billy said that ''Cyrus has pipes.'' She said that was great.
Miley said she was only supposed to do a little bit of the song. She said he loved it and he had her take the whole song. She said that she's honored and stoked to be there with Howard. She said she cares that Billy Joel told her she did a great job. She said that's an accomplishment. She said having Paul Simon tell her that the album is good is so great. She said that Paul is an incredible writer and she doesn't care what people think. She said she cares what he thinks.
Howard said he was shocked and he saw her performing with Adam Sandler on Fallon. Miley said he's a fucking amazing singer and a guitar player. Howard asked how that happened. Miley said she would like to have a show where super talented artists come on her show. She said that she wants people to come in and show their unexpected talents.
Howard asked how the Sandler thing happened. Miley said they were going to do a Johnny Cash song and then with the Las Vegas thing they didn't feel right. She said they were going to do something big and they knew it was going to get attention. She said they wanted to flip it and make it something good. She said the song ''No Love No Freedom'' was the song to do. She said that we can't be fearful all the time. She said she thinks about what could happen now that this has gone on. She said if she could stand there with her sister on stage in a box she'd do that. Howard said he has to be in a box. He said this is the only way he's going to meet her.
Howard asked Miley to do ''The Climb'' for them. Miley went right into the song and performed it for them.
After the song Howard said he would turn his chair around for her. He said she really does have pipes. Howard said that song was turned down by a lot of artists but Miley recognized it as a great song. Howard asked how she knew it was good. Miley said she didn't know that other people turned it down. She said the song must have been meant for her. Howard said the song sounded good. She said she hadn't performed it in years until she was on Fallon the other night. She said she didn't dislike it.
Howard asked if she's completely sober. Miley said she is but she's sure to do something eventually.
Howard asked who broke the news to her that the movie Hannah Montana made $150 million. She said she didn't know that until today. She said that she's learning a lot from Howard today. Miley said that she hates the music charts and she doesn't like being ranked. Howard said it's amazing to have that kind of success as a kid. Miley said she loves seeing the fans lining up around the block.
Howard said he heard she hates the song Wrecking Ball. Miley said she likes the song and the video. She said that the video isn't going anywhere and she doesn't like that. She said that there was a time when she just loved being naked. She said she wore pants today. Howard said she looks great today.
Howard said he did the VMAs and he was Fartman. He said here was such controversy over that. Howard asked what it was like when she did the thing with Robin Thicke on stage at the VMAs. Miley said she liked it and she was happy about it. She said she didn't do it to get people to talk about her. She said she did it to piss people off. She said that pop music seems little and small to her but to go out and make a statement about it is good. She said that she went out and realized that everyone tried to take power away from her. She said she was the one who went out and did that. She said Robin didn't even know that she was going to do that. She said the next year she went to the VMAs and brought a young, homeless teen with her. She said she thought people were going to talk about her coming out of that Teddy Bear thing and she wondered what it would be like to have something of value. She said that was the biggest moment in her life.
Howard asked if she knew ''Wrecking Ball'' was going to be a hit. Miley said she had another song she did in Philly and she brought it around to some producers and they all had to sleep on it. She said that Dr. Luke took it and made it into what it is. She said they just thought it was another ballad. Howard said Dr. Luke took it and helped make it a hit. Miley said she was going through a lot at the time. Howard asked if she was thinking about Liam and all of that. Miley said she had gone through a lot. Howard asked if she goes back to that time when she sings the song. Miley said that she was thinking about her Yorkie that passed away. She said it wasn't even about her boyfriend.
Howard asked Miley to perform ''Wrecking Ball'' after that. Miley and the band went right into it.
After the song Howard said that's something and he needs to get a band. Howard introduced the band members and spent a little time talking to each of the guys. Howard talked to Anton, Matt and Nicole and asked if they perform a lot together. Miley said they do. She said they're able to stay current and political. Howard asked if she likes Tom Petty. Miley said she does. She told Howard some of the people she's worked with like Joan Jett and others.
Howard asked what Tom Petty song she prepared today. She said that it's ''Wildflowers.'' Howard said it's weird with Tom because he wasn't on his radar to die. Howard said it just happened so suddenly. Miley said that's why we all have to go out and watch more concerts. She said we can't sit around watching Narcos. Howard said that's important too.
Howard asked Miley to do the song ''Wildflowers.'' Miley and the band did their thing and performed the song for Howard.
After the song Howard said that was a beautiful tribute to Tom Petty. He said it's a great song and the way she did it gave him chills. Howard asked how they practiced that one. Miley said she did it back stage at Fallon last night. She said this is like the least work she's had to do with a song. She said it brought a tear to her eye.
Howard asked the band how they make a living when she takes time off. Miley said she doesn't want to know. She said they want her to tour very badly right now. She said she has some pigs and that's why she's not touring. She said next time she's bringing them with her. Howard said pigs aren't easy to take care of. Miley said she didn't even get them. She said someone brought them to her.
Howard said he hates when people eat pigs. Miley said her's are so smart. She said she lives for Pig-Pig. She said this pig lives the best life ever. She said the pig is vegan too. Howard said some people feed bacon to pigs. Miley said her other pig is named Puddles. She said that she rolls over for Oreos.
Howard said Miley seems very happy. Miley said she is and she'd like to be more active. She said she wonders if touring would be best for her. Howard said the band wants her to tour. Howard said the show The Voice takes up a lot of time. Miley said she doesn't have more seasons lined up after this one. She said she's wondering how to spend her time to get the most value. Howard said she should tour with these guys.
Howard introduced more of the band including Adam, Jamie and Jocko. Howard asked how Miley stays in shape. He said she looks like she's under 100 pounds. She said she doesn't weigh herself. She said she's like 5'5'' tall. Howard asked how she works out. She does some form of Yoga. Miley said she does that and it's all about how to do deep breathing and stillness of the mind. She said she thinks that's helped her out a lot.
Howard asked if she could go out with a regular dude. Miley said she thought she was going to do the interview on his lap today. Howard said he was thinking about her staying home with the pigs. He said if anything happens to them he knows who did it.
Howard gave Miley a plug for the new album Younger Now and Miley talked about how great it is with the pictures of her pigs and more. Howard asked how long it took to write this album. Miley said she wrote Malibu last June in the car. Howard said he wishes a woman would write a song about him. Miley said she'll do that for him tonight. Miley said she wrote another song the year before. She said that was like October of 2015.
Howard asked what she wrote this year. Miley said she used to watch a movie with Elvis in it because he said ''I Love you Miley'' to the character Miley in the movie. She said she wrote a song about that. Howard said Elvis was a trip. He said he loved it when he was officer Elvis. Miley said she wants to do a citizen's arrest. Howard said they have a guy there who wants to do that too. Howard said she should do an Elvis impression if she does it.
Howard said the song is called ''A Week Without You'' and they're going to perform it now. Miley was playing guitar on this one. She said she grew up playing left handed guitars because her dad was left handed. Howard had them do the song after that.
After the song Howard said look at this. He said they all have honored them this morning. He said they're fantastic.
Howard asked Miley who her friends are this day. Miley said she doesn't have famous friends really. She said she has some friends. She said when she was recording this she was thinking about how great the song is with the girls. Howard asked how long it took to write that song. Miley said maybe 2 or 3 days. She said that it was one she had a whole vision for the song and she hopes she can make a video with Bill Murray in it. She said she would love to do that.
Howard said that Miley has a friend who has been friends her whole life. Miley said she is the most unchanged person and she's shocked by that every time. She said she had one friend tell her that L.A. isn't reality. Miley said that this is her reality. She said that what's not reality is thinking that every person is like her. She said that there is less of her than there are of different people. Howard said maybe it was jealousy. Howard said this was a treat this morning. Howard thanked them all for coming in. Howard said she gave it her all today. Howard gave her some plugs. Miley said she'll come back any time Howard wants. Howard said he wanted her to come in. Howard said he's not the devil. Miley said sometimes she sits in front of assholes who use her as a pinata. She said she says her story the way she wants to and she loved this conversation with Howard.
Howard thanked Miley for coming in. He said they did it all. Howard gave her some more plugs and said you can find out more tour dates and things like that at MileyCyrus.com
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Howard said Tish's daughter can sing. He said many can't really sing. Howard asked how many kids she had. Tish said 5. Howard said she's in great shape. Howard asked what those jeans are. She said they're Cindy Crawford. Howard asked if she had Miley at 3. She said she doesn't even work out. Howard asked if she wears a bikini. Tish said she has a good stomach but from there down it's not so good. Howard asked how she and Billy Ray are. She said they're good. Howard said he's doing well with his wife too. He said it was their anniversary yesterday. Howard thanked Tish for coming in and said she has to come back. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said he and Beth had a great night last night. He said they reenacted their honeymoon night. Howard said she's very nice and always swallows her vomit after he's on top of her. Howard said he'd tell moms who don't look so good to look at Miley's mom. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said Miley mentioned her mother likes to smoke weed. Howard said she must be fun. Howard said it's a fun family. He said they do that and Ayahuasca. Howard said that's wild. Robin said there's always something going on in the hills in the country. Howard said he saw they're going to make a sequel to ''Coming to America.'' Howard said that's one of his favorite movies. He said that he really enjoyed that. Howard said it's great when Eddie gets a job at that McDowell's restaurant. He said it's not even a remake, it's a sequel. Howard wondered if he's still married to that girl in the movie. Robin said that's what they'll find out. Howard said maybe the wife dies and he comes back to meet another chick. Howard said he hopes they do it and don't fuck it up. Robin said that's the thing. Howard said Arsenio could have transitioned into a woman or something like that.
Howard asked if anyone cares that Jeff the Drunk stopped smoking. Robin wasn't sure. Howard took a call from Jeff who said he did stop. Howard said he still smokes weed though. Jeff said he does. He said he may smoke 2 joints a day. Howard said that's great.
Jeff asked if he can plug The American Pirates movie. Howard said go ahead. Jeff said that he's in it and it's the best of the worst. He said he's an old pirate who pirated movies. Howard said that should be huge box office. Howard said he's going to play him off. Jeff got in the link while the music was playing over him. Howard said he didn't get a chance to ask where he can see it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Miley's mom must be really hot because he was speechless. Howard said he really wasn't able to function at his top level. He said he really was thrown by it. The caller said Howard had nothing to say and that's the first time in 40 years. Howard said Ronnie must have dug her too. Robin asked why he wouldn't . She said she's sure everyone dug her.
Howard said with Miley he felt like a proud dad. Howard said he didn't want to go there. Howard said he can see her mom rolling around.
Robin started her news with a story about a woman whose dog found a penis and testicles on the beach. Robin said they are investigating the find. Robin said they say it might not be a human body part. Howard said maybe it was Bruce Jenner's cock and balls.
Robin read a story about a congressman asking his mistress to have an abortion but he's anti-abortion. Robin had some details about that. Howard said he has talked about that before. He said these rich guys can pay off a doctor to get an abortion for their kid but everyone else is fucked up.
Robin said she has one more cock story for Cocktober. Robin said they did a surgery and found 1 in 4 men would be willing to have sex with a robot. Hard said it should be more than that. Howard said he'd do it. Fred played some robot sounds. Then he had Ronnie the Robot clips he played. Howard asked what kind of robot he is. He said ''Beep Boop Fuck You.''
Howard said he has a cock story. He said he has some cock references in various sports games. Howard said there's a sportscaster who is talking about a player's cock. Howard said that's very cock-centric. Robin said that's strange. Howard had another clip of a female news anchor saying Cock Riding instead of Cock fighting. Howard said he has another woman saying ''bulging dick'' on a newscast. Howard played another one where a female news anchor said cock instead of clock. He had another clip of a guy saying ''mass cocks'' instead of mascots. Howard said they look for any cock reference for Cocktober.
Robin read a story about the top requested songs at weddings. Robin had Howard play clips of the songs that people are requesting. Howard said these songs aren't very good. Robin agreed. Howard said some of them are okay because they're love songs. The number one was an Ed Sheeran song. Howard said that makes sense. Howard said his audience is requesting this one. He played a song that Scott the Engineer sang. Howard had another song about young pussy.
Robin read a story about George Foreman looking for another fight. he's calling out Steven Seagal. Howard said he'd watch that. Robin said he's looking to do 10 rounds in Vegas. Robin said that George says he'll do this one more time. Howard said he thinks that Seagal just became an honorary Russian. Howard said he somehow loves Putin. Howard said he has a clip of Seagal over pronouncing the name Vladimir Putin. Howard played the clip of him defending Putin in the voting controversy.
Robin read a story about Tom Petty's death and how they're saying that tributes are continuing to pour in. Robin said Bruce Springsteen opened his show with a tribute to Tom. Howard asked where his tickets are to his Broadway show. Gary said he's still waiting for the lottery to come through. Howard said he assumed that when you're famous you just call and say you want to go and you get tickets. Howard said when he got famous he gets Gary telling him that he has to wait for the lottery. Howard asked if Gary thinks they'd let him come. Gary said he can call. Howard said he doesn't want to get turned down so fuck that. Robin read some of the things celebrities were saying about Tom Petty. Howard said George Takei loved Tom Petty. He picked up on Sour Shoes who was doing his George Takei impression and singing Tom Petty songs. Howard spent a minute with Sour.
Robin read a story about the 911 tapes for Tom Petty's wife calling about finding him. Howard asked why that has to be out there. Robin said you are calling a public service. Howard asked if anything is private anymore. Robin said apparently not.
Howard had Jeff the Drunk on the phone again. Jeff said he has to tell people where to get the movie. Howard said a movie shouldn't have to have someone tell you where to get it. Jeff said you can get it on Vimeo.com. Howard played him off again. Jeff asked if he can plug it. Howard said go ahead but played music over the plug. Howard let him plug it again. (It's available at Vimeo.com/ondemand/AmericanPirates)
Robin read a story about a woman who is claiming that Roman Polanski raped her in 1972. Howard asked if there's anyone left he hasn't allegedly raped. Robin said this woman was a teen at the time. Robin said they are going to make a determination if she can make a criminal complaint.
Howard said he has Gary on the phone with the Springsteen people now. He picked up and Sour Shoes was doing his Gary impression talking over a Springsteen song. Howard said the music was too loud for that.
Robin said one of the characters on Downton Abbey was gay and he's now saying that playing a gay guy ruined his career. Gary said the guy didn't even do anything gay on the show. Robin said he's now saying that he's not getting the opportunities that other people from the show are.
Howard said he really doesn't want to go to the Springsteen show. He said that he'd get bored. He said he's sure that there are a lot of other celebrities there. Howard said he's not going to sit through 4 hours of show. Robin said it's probably not that long because they have union rules. Robin said the playlist isn't that long from what she saw. Howard said he's used to having a concert in the studio like he had today. Howard said Bruce should come in and do that there. Howard said it would be great if he did. Howard said he avoids him though. Howard said he's seen him at a few things but he never does talk to him much. Howard said he got a note saying he performs 15 songs. Howard said that's perfect. Howard said he likes how Miley did it, there and just for him.
Robin read some news about the Las Vegas shooting and what they've found with the guns that Stephen Paddock had. Robin said he had at least 10 and he had them in suitcases. Robin said it was more like 10 suitcases and 20-some guns. Robin said she'd question it if he had that many suitcases. Howard said no one knew. Howard said he has at least 10 suitcases when he travels. Robin said the suite he was in had pebbles in it. She said it looked like something from the Flintstones.
Howard asked Gary to read the list of songs Bruce is doing at his show on Broadway. Gary read it off and Fred played Gary clearing his throat. Howard said there is a little fat on that list. Howard said go right to the second song.
Robin read a story about how they're talking about this is time for gun regulations. Howard said he's all for making people wait. Robin had some audio of Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer giving their thoughts on gun control. Robin said bans never work in this country. Robin said ISIS is trying to take credit for this. Howard said no one is buying that. Robin said they're becoming so irrelevant that they take credit for anything. Robin said they haven't found a manifesto from this guy so they don't know why he did this. Robin said that the girlfriend is back in the country and Paddock had sent $100,000 to her while she was out of the country.
Gary said that Bruce also does a lot of talking during his show so would that upset Howard. Howard said if they're stories from the book then he already knows them. Howard said he read the book. Gary said he did hear they were excerpts from the book.
Robin read a story about Hugh Hefner's cause of death being a heart attack. Robin said he had a blood infection and a drug resistant case of E.Coli before he died.
Robin read about how President Trump was in Puerto Rico yesterday. Robin said she doesn't get why he has to grade himself. Robin said he compared Puerto Rico to Katrina. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about how it's not as big of a disaster as Katrina was. He was also saying that they're doing a great job down there. Robin said Geraldo Rivera was also down there in Puerto Rico.
Robin had some clips from Stephen Colbert talking about Trump on his show last night. Robin said that Seth Meyers was left speechless by something Trump said to a family who lost their home. Trump told them to have a good time. Robin said Trump was also throwing paper towels at people in Puerto Rico. Robin said he's also feuding with the Secretary of State about what to do with North Korea. Robin said Rex Tillerson had to be talked out of resigning this summer. He had called Trump a moron at some point.
Robin read about the Equifax breaches and how a lot of personal information was stolen. Robin said a tech expert is talking about how to keep your data safe.
Robin read a story about how people should consider adopting teenagers. Howard said he filed to get custody of JD. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about the adoption of teens.
Robin read a story about Derek Jeter being the owner or one of the owners of the Miami Marlins. Robin said that they're coming off their 8th consecutive losing season. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Today's show was over around 10:55am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.