Howard and the guys were back from vacation today. Howard started the show talking about being back live and how they were off for 2 weeks. He said they're back. He asked how you know when a show is live. He said if they replay this one it'll sound like they're back when they're not. He asked why he should care.
Howard said he was following some radio stories. He said he's not sure how anyone listens to it with so many commercials. He said he doesn't like going away for commercials. He said on terrestrial radio they ran like 20 minutes per hour. Howard said it was difficult. He said they'd be in the middle of something and they had to break. He said no one sat through them though.
Howard said the woman who used to work with Rick Dees and then Ryan Seacrest, Ellen K, left and she started her own morning show and she's number 1 in L.A. Howard said she's beating everyone.
Howard said he jerked off so much this weekend. He said he was so taken with himself. He said everyone knows how old he is so he won't even say. He said his agent tells him not to bring that up. He said Beth went to host a dog awards show and he beat off like 4 times in 3 days. Robin asked why he had to do it so much. Howard said he liked it. He said there was one point when he thought about going to beat off in the middle of the afternoon. He said he watched something on YouPorn. He said they have this brother and sister porn where it's not really brothers and sisters but actors. He said they look too old to live with mom and dad. Howard said this one video had the chick blowing the brother but it may have been a step brother and sister thing. He said he has no fantasy about doing that but he becomes a weirdo when he beats off. Howard said he never looked at his sister and thought about that. He said when he watches porn he becomes a complete heathen. Howard said he has no fantasies about this stuff.
Howard said he likes to see women being tricked with the fake agent thing too. He said that's horrible and he wouldn't want to see his daughters being tricked into something like that. Howard said it means something very bad if he's into it. Robin asked if he brings it up in therapy. Howard said no. He said he doesn't want this guy holding back laughter. He said you'd think he'd have a higher calling.
Howard said this one girl takes her brother's load in her mouth. Howard said she's so proud of it. He said he almost threw up. He said the guy was happy that she swallowed it. Howard said he was so proud of her. Fred played the ''Whoop, whoop'' clip.
Howard asked if Robin is going to order the new iPhone. Robin said she doesn't think so. Howard said he was watching the video of the announcement and it doesn't seen that great. He said they have a new camera and no headphone jack. Howard said Beth might want one for the new camera. Howard said if she gets one he's going to have to get one. He said he hates that bluetooth stuff near his head. He said he was talking to Cancer about that new phone and he can't wait for that.
Howard said he uses the headphones in the car and that's the only time he uses it. He said they wear headphones there all day and he vows not to wear them after work. Howard said he lives in New York and he can't walk around with them. He said you'll get hit by a car or a bike rider or something bad will happen.
Howard said it is the wave of the future not to have a headphone jack. Howard said he ordered the phone because he has to have it. Howard said the phone is a little thinner and has more battery. He said he thought they were going to come out with something really cool. He said he wants to see a hologram projection or something cool like that. Howard said Apple makes so much money that they could do something like that. He said that didn't happen though. He said maybe that will be iPhone 15.
Howard said watch the video and you'll see what he's talking about. Howard said it's up on HowardStern.com. Howard said the song is good and it's a good video. Howard said Pete gave them the exclusive on this song and it's called ''I'm not the one.'' Howard said go right away before the thing crashes. He said just watch the chick parading around. Howard said even Robin would sleep with her. Robin said she doesn't think so. Benjy said he can't find it on the web site. Howard asked Jason where it is. Benjy said Robin is on the front page. Robin said she sees her too. Howard said it's up there. Howard said it's not up there. Jason said he's looking right at it on his computer. Jason said there is no special link.
JD said if you search for it on the site it'll come up. Howard said he's going to try it on his phone. Robin said she's doing that too and coming up with nothing. Howard tried it on his phone and said he's seeing Robin there too. Howard said he sees Jeff the Drunk and Robin. Jason showed Howard his phone and what he was showing. Fred said you can search for it. Howard asked what's going on. Jason said he's not a tech guy so he doesn't know. He said he will find out. He said he has no special link. Howard said this is so fucked up.
Howard tried clicking on Robin. He said he's going to play a quick Robin game. They had a game where they asked if Robin knew which celebrities died during their vacation break. Howard said Robin never knows when someone passes away. Howard asked if she knows any this time. Robin said she knows some died. Howard asked her to name just one. Howard said poor Pete Yorn. He said he did this big promo and no one can find the video.
Howard told Robin the guy who died during break had big eyes. Robin asked what kind of thing that is to say. Howard said Gene Wilder died. Robin said that's right. She said she did see that. Howard said everyone was talking about the Willy Wonka movie and he's never even seen that. Robin said she never watched it. Howard said he never did either. He said Beth told him to watch it but he's not going to. Robin said she tries not to hang on to bad news so she didn't remember who it was.
Howard said Gene Wilder is one. He read some details about his life. Howard said he's going back and watching The Sopranos from beginning to end. Robin said she watched a movie with James Gandolfini in it and it reminded her of that show.
Howard read more about Gene Wilder. He read about his movie career and his 4 marriages. Howard read about him meeting Gilda Radner on the movie Hanky Panky.
Howard played a phony phone call that they made to a radio show asking what happened to Gene Wilder and the caller gets really upset when the hosts tell him he passed away. They had audio of Underdog Lady crying as if she just found out about his death. They also had audio of a few other people crying that they played. They had Richard Simmons crying. The hosts said this is live radio and that's what happens.
Howard asked what's up with these shows. He said the callers are louder than the hosts. Howard said Gene Wilder was a funny dude and he never met him. Robin asked if they were ever even close to him. Howard said he's sure they were. He said probably a room where they were brought out through the kitchen.
Howard said Crazy Eddie Antar just died too. Howard said that's not the guy who did the TV commercials. He said this is the real Crazy Eddie. Howard said the guy was 68 years old. He said the guy was a marketing genius. Howard said he became a genius with his advertising. Howard said if he played it straight he'd have a great life. He said he was caught on fraud and he went to Israel to hide and he went to jail after they found him. Howard said all he had to do was play it straight. Howard said the guy was brilliant but he couldn't play it straight. Howard said a lot of these guys can't do that. Howard said they make money and still can't do it.
Howard played a Crazy Eddie commercial. He said he had to listen to that shit when he worked at radio stations. He said every station played those commercials until he got there. Then they stopped advertising. Howard said all of these places stopped and made him out to be the bad one. Howard said they were fucking annoying. Howard said he doesn't trust anyone with the name ''Crazy.'' Howard said no one will shop at ''Responsible Eddie'' though. Howard said this guy was in 7500 ads. He said people didn't even know what the fuck he was saying. Howard said he once put a chicken head on and said cluck, cluck, cluck and people still knew what he was saying.
Howard said the other person who died was Alexis Arquette. Howard said he was born a man and became a woman but he may have gone back to being a man at the end. Howard read a statement from the family where they said he became their brother again. Howard said he passed over the weekend. Howard said in all of the statements they're saying ''he'' when referring to him. Robin said Siobhan went through that too. Howard said if you're a dude and you become a girl and then go back to a dude, are you still transgender. Robin said yes. Howard told her to think it through. Howard had Fred play some thinking music. Robin was still saying yes to the transgender thing. Fred said if he became a woman by having his penis removed then you can only be transgender once. Howard asked Gary what he thinks. Gary said he doesn't know. Howard said he doesn't really care.
Gary said he has a picture of Alexis' penis. Howard took a look and said he should only be a man. Gary said it was online and they were going to play a game where they try to guess who the celebrity is. Robin took a look and said ''Whoa! Oh my god!'' Howard asked if Gary has the same size cock as his brothers. Gary said he has no idea. Howard wondered if David would have a big one too. Howard asked Fred if he's the same as his brother. Fred said he doesn't think it was any bigger than his. He said he's seen it once or twice and it wasn't any bigger. Howard said he never saw his sister naked. He said he he'd think that if he had a brother he would have seen it more often. Fred said maybe he wasn't his type.
Howard said he's sorry to hear that Alexis died. Howard said he was on Son of the Beach once. Howard said he never did meet Alexis though. Howard said that's some penis on him or her. Howard said he's not sure how he tucked that thing. Howard asked why Gary is carrying around that picture. He said it looks like something he carries around in his wallet.
Howard said no one tells them what's going on. Robin said there are people who are gone from there that she didn't know about. Howard said Robin was out there yelling about getting coffee. Robin said the kitchen is gone and she was wondering where to get coffee. Howard said he was going to start barking out things but he left that alone. Howard said he's going to take a break and get to some ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' stuff.
Robin said she was introduced to something interesting on vacation. Howard said ''Uh oh.'' Robin said she was introduced to the Toto toilet. Howard said it's great. Robin said they had one in every room in the hotel she was in. Howard said he thought she was going to say she got into something weird. Howard said those toilets are great. Robin said she was afraid of it at first. Howard said he owns a few. He said after you take a dump he'll wash his ass with the water spraying up his ass. He said even after that it doesn't get everything out sometimes. Howard said sometimes the water will get in there like a colonic. Howard said if he really relaxes he can get a colonic. Howard said he's not cleaned out all the way every time. Howard said the water hurts sometimes.
Howard asked Robin how long she sits there. Robin said she gives it some time. Maybe a minute or minute and a half. Howard asked if she spreads her ass open. Robin said she lets it just hit the right spot. Howard said he will relax and let the water in and then spit it out. He said he doesn't like that feeling though. He said he always has tons of feces in there. Howard said he takes a dump and puts the high pressure water on. He said the low setting never works.
Howard asked if Robin blow dries her ass. Robin said she uses toilet paper. Howard said he's impatient sometimes. Howard said he'll blow dry his asshole but then he uses a baby wipe to test if everything is out. Howard said the water will drip into his underpants. He said he has to shimmy over to his baby wipes. Then he spreads his asshole open and sticks his finger in there and rubs around with the baby wipe. Robin said the Toto doesn't get inside. She said she wipes on the outside and it's clean. Howard said he'd bet that she has doody in there. Robin told him to come over and check. She said she wanted to take that toilet home with her. Howard said he loved it so much in his house that he wants one in his apartment.
Robin said they have two user settings. Howard said no one will ever use his. He said he has just one user. He's the one. Howard said they have a front clean setting and he accidentally used it. He said it washed his taint so now he uses it all the time. Robin said she didn't use that one. Howard said it was an accident when he used it. Howard said he used the front Bidet and washed his taint. He said he has a lot of hair down here. He said it's like a wash and a blow out. He said those Japanese are geniuses. Robin said it is pretty great once you get used to it.
Howard read a note that said it has a pre-mist for the bowl. He wasn't sure what that does. Robin said the water did start to swirl when she walked in so maybe that's it. Howard said you can eat off his asshole when he's done. Robin said she never understood what Howard was talking about until she used it.
Howard said a CBS news reporter was talking about Blazing Saddles and said ''Blazing Sandals'' when talking about Gene Wilder's death. Howard played a clip of the reporter doing that. Howard asked what her name is. He said she should be able to get that right.
Howard played a clip of Rob Corddry giving out a Baba Booey and a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' on the Rich Eisen show. Howard said way to go Rob over that. Robin said she has no idea what he was even talking about. Howard said he didn't either.
Howard played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' clip from a reporter at some sporting event. Howard played a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody too.
Howard said Ronnie had a party over vacation and Jon Hein and his wife went. Howard said his wife isn't sure why he's so upset about the whole thing. Howard said Henry Winkler was up there and he had a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' for Jon. Howard played the clip of Winkler doing that while he was up there recently. Howard said even Gary the Conqueror is saying it. Howard played a fake Gary the Conqueror saying that. Howard played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody too. They went to break after that.
Robin said she read a story about a guy who was in the holocaust and he escaped death a few times. Robin said he was in front of a firing squad and someone jumped in front of the bullet and he missed out on being gassed when they ran out of gas. Howard asked how she got to this after talking about 9/11. Robin said this guy hasn't died. Howard said he's not sure what happened there. Robin said she was talking about tennis and it reminded her of this story because the guy played tennis against John McEnroe.
Howard said he has to get back to the 9/11 stuff. He said Robin must be listening to another show. Howard asked what this guy was talking about. Robin said he was saying that he must have been saved to make people happy and enjoy life. Howard asked how he got to play John McEnroe. Robin said that was on his bucket list and he was able to do it. Howard said he's got it now. Howard asked if anyone is still there.
Howard said they asked Gary the Conqueror if he understands the 9/11 stuff. Gary sort of gets it. Howard played a clip of Gary talking about what happened and how the bad guys were black. Howard said there you go. He said he was pretty close with the towers going down. Robin said she's not sure if he could identify the towers if they showed him.
Howard said he watched the MTV Video Music Awards. He said it was pretty horrible. Howard said he likes Rihanna's voice and all but they gave her a lifetime achievement award. Howard said she performed a few times during the show. Howard said she's really hot. Howard said she looks like a party. He said she looks like she's out of her mind. Howard said she sings well though. Howard said she didn't even make an effort to lip sync though. Howard said she must not be motivated at all. Howard said she would start lip syncing but then she'd close her mouth and stop trying to fool them. He said she was really bad. He said she wasn't even trying. Howard said she looked beautiful though. Howard said they had some rap guys doing something and he had no idea what they were talking about. Howard said they all come out and say ''Hey New York, lets make some noise!'' Howard said he's not sure why they have to do that. He said they're already out of things to say and they haven't even said a word yet.
Howard said the lip syncers have to get naked but the live singers don't have to get naked. Howard said Britney Spears was there trying to make a comeback. He said there seems to be something really wrong with her. Howard said she's really out of it. Howard said he was watching these young women wearing hardly anything. He said that they just wear panties. Howard said he comes from a generation where people kept their pants on when they sang. Howard said it wasn't about the panties.
Howard played a clip of this guy named Desiigner who spoke at the VMAs. Howard said he had no idea what this guy was talking about. Howard played the clip and said he has no idea what he's talking about. Howard said he's his favorite. Howard said there was another guy named Future was rapping but he has no idea what he was saying either. Howard played a clip of him rapping at the show.
Howard said the VMAs used to be great. Howard said the viewership was down this year. Howard said he misses MTV. He said everyone must watch videos on YouTube now. Howard said the ratings were highest in 2011. Howard said this year only 6.5 million people watched. Howard said the hosts were Key and Peele. Howard said he doesn't think it worked. Howard said he knows those guys are funny according to Gary. He said they got a Peabody award. Howard said they were doing some comedy routines and he was into some of it. Robin said they had a movie out that she tried to get through. Robin said she just wasn't laughing.
Howard said he defies you to sit through any of these songs that were performed. Howard said Ariana Grande wasn't lip syncing but that means she didn't strip down. Howard said she looks really young too. He said it's really disturbing.
Howard said the show used to be great when you'd look forward to the performances. Robin said Beyonce did like a half hour performance. Howard said he's not into her and he can't explain it. Howard said he's never felt anything listening to her music.
Howard said Kanye West put out a music video and he has this girl exercising in it. He said the chick is the hottest one he's ever seen in his life other than his wife. Howard said Pete Yorn has this Charlotte McKinney in his video and he'd like to put up this Kanye West video because this chick is so hot. Howard said she's a light skinned black woman who is wearing a thong and she has the most developed ass muscles he's ever seen. Howard said it's crazy. Howard said he's not sure if the song is that good. He said it's called ''Fade'' and he's not sure if he liked it because of the girl or not.
Howard said he saw that Kanye was looking for multi-racial people for something and black people were upset with him over that. Howard said multi-racial means light skinned. Robin said that's what has been going on for years.
Howard said he wants to hear this song ''Fade'' without seeing the chick. He wants to see if he likes it. Fred found the song and played it. Howard said you have to picture a naked girl dancing around during the song. Howard said it's not as good now. Howard said maybe it is good. He listened to more of it and said if Robin can dance around maybe he'd like it more. Robin said the song is alright. She said she might like it more if she hears it a few more times.
Howard said he read that the girl in the video is dating some basketball player. Howard said you'd have to be a basketball player to date this chick. Howard said she'd kill him. Howard had Fred play the song that Kanye lifted a clip from.
Howard asked if Benjy is watching the video. Benjy said he's not watching it but he saw the first still from it. Benjy started to bring up something that he thought the song sounded like and Howard asked him not to bring him down into vortex.
Howard said he has a clip of flirty Baba Booey making a call to a radio show. Howard played the phony phone call the guys made using clips of Gary using lame pick up lines. The host kept him on for a few minutes letting him ask her these wacky questions.
Howard said the guy in that clip sounded like Barry White. Howard said they call that Gary ''Flirty Baba Booey.'' Howard said they tried it on an all male show and it went bad. Howard said they started attacking him for being homosexual. Howard played that call and the host of the show told him to get off his phone. They kept him on and let him keep asking the lame pick up lines. They called him gay and told him to get the fuck out of their face. They kept him on a few more minutes though.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said he thought Ronnie might be good on Live with Kelly but then he might be too famous to drive him around. Howard said Ronnie had a party while they were away and he read the invite. He said it was written like a 3rd grader. Howard said he wrote ''Come all again and enjoy the fun food and drinks...'' He read more and said he spelled definitely wrong. Howard said he spelled remember wrong too. Howard said Ronnie wrote ''If you really insist on bring something'' and other things like that. Howard said he may have typed it with his dick. Howard said there is no embarrassment with him.
Howard said Stephanie should have spell checked him. Howard asked Ronnie why he didn't do a spell check. Gary said Ronnie is on his way up. He had to go deal with something downstairs. Howard said they wrote a Ronnie the Robot Bit while they were away but they're not going to do it. Howard said they're still working on it.
Howard said Fred didn't go to the party. Fred said he thought about going but he had a family thing going on. Howard asked if Benjy went. Benjy said he had something else he had to do. Howard said Jason went. He said Will went too. Howard said someone said Ronnie has a bathroom set up like a strip club bathroom. Howard asked Jason why that is.
Will came in and said he has a black toilet and sinks with a dual vanity and the water comes out in a water fall. He said it doesn't fit the rest of the house. He said he's not sure if Scores gave it to him when they went out of business or what. He said the neighbors all showed up and they were acting like Ronnie. He said they act like they're in the mob. Howard asked what's in the bathroom. Will said he doesn't want to go down that road with Ronnie in there.
Ronnie came in so Howard asked him about his invite and why he didn't spell check it. Ronnie said Stephanie did it. He said he didn't have anything to do with it. Howard said she spelled a few things wrong. Howard said he thought she was the brains. Ronnie said she is. He didn't see the invite. Howard read some of it again and said there are a lot of misspells on it. Ronnie didn't do it though.
Will talked about the bathroom again and Ronnie asked what's wrong with it. Howard said it sounds like Ronnie is sick. Ronnie said he was sick last week with a cold. Will said he was on a 4 day bender. Ronnie said he was working. Howard said he had a job doing security at a bachelor party. Ronnie said it was a four and a half day long bachelor party. Howard said he thinks they were looking to hang with Ronnie. Ronnie said he knows the guy. Will said he has to slow down.
Howard said Ronnie got run down. Ronnie said he did. Then he had the party a day and a half later. Ronnie asked what his problem is with the bathroom. Will said it reminded him of Scores. Ronnie said it's a modern bathroom. He said it was Stephanie's idea to get the black toilet. Howard asked how you see if there's doody in there. Ronnie said it's better.
Howard said King of All Blacks is on the phone. Howard took the call and King asked if Ronnie is trying to be young. Howard said if course he is. Ronnie said he's not going to sit in a rocking chair. King said he's running away from death. Ronnie said he's so stupid sometimes. Howard told him to let him make his point. King said for everything he does he's trying to stay young. He said it's not going to work. Ronnie said he's not the one who picked out the black toilet. Ronnie said King has a heart condition and he's not willing to admit it. Howard asked if he does. King said he doesn't. Ronnie said he's lying now. King said he just retired like a week ago. Howard asked if he's running from death too. Howard said everyone is trying to stay alive.
King asked what's up with the fliers for his party. Howard hung up on him after that. He said he's taking him off his game.
Howard asked Ronnie about his couch that has skulls on it. Ronnie said Stephanie has a make up table with old school stuff on it. He said it's the cushion for the table that has that. Howard asked if he still has the race car tire in his basement. Ronnie said he doesn't have that anymore. Will said he did show his son some of his race car toys. He said it was prefect for a 5 year old. Ronnie said he asked him to show him that stuff.
Gary brought in a picture of Ronnie's bathroom. Ronnie asked who took a picture of his bathroom. Howard asked what the bowls are on the sink. Ronnie said those are the sinks. Howard said he must be the envy of the neighborhood. Will said the bathroom doesn't fit the rest of the house. Ronnie said you modernize the house. He said that's a new bathroom. Will said he didn't take the picture. Ronnie said yeah right. He said from now on they can piss in the street. Howard said that's what Puff Daddy did. Howard said he went to a party once there at his house and he didn't let anyone in the bathrooms. Ronnie said Robin didn't let people in her's either. He said she had people go in bathrooms that were in trailers.
Howard asked if this is the sink Ronnie uses to wash his ass out. Ronnie said you can't do that with those sinks. Howard asked Will more about the party and what the people were like there. Will said the neighbors had tattoos and talked like Ronnie. Ronnie said they were doctors and people like that. He said his son has tattoos. Ronnie said no one else had sleeves. He said that he's the only one on the block who likes NASCAR.
Howard asked who else was there. Will said a bunch of them were there. He said he thought the bathroom was nice. JD came in and said that he has been to Ronnie's house and it wasn't anything that new. He said his favorite part was seeing Will being a dad. He said he has seen this man in so many angry situations. He said he's seen him do so many angry things. He said Will had his daughter's jacket tucked into his jeans the whole time. Ronnie said Will RSVP'd and said he wasn't coming but then that morning he came. He came with his whole family too. JD said he could tell he was happy to have the family away from him at times. Will said Howard knows what that's like.
Gary said Ronnie has the miniature cars and stuff. He said they have a picture from his basement where he keeps that stuff and it wraps around the wall. Ronnie said that's all packed up and put away. He said his son lives down there now. Howard said his basement looked like a toy store. Ronnie said it was a man cave. He said that was his play room. Howard asked what he did with the cars. Ronnie said they were just on display. He said he didn't race them around. Will said his son wanted to play with them but Ronnie said no touching. Ronnie said he did not.
Howard said he wasn't even invited to the party. Howard said he never even told him about it. Ronnie said Howard tells them to never even invite him. Howard said he was busy that day anyway. Howard said he likes the new bathroom. Ronnie said he can tell Stephanie about that. He said she did the bathroom and the e-vite. Howard said everyone thought they were going to get married there. Ronnie said they didn't do that. He said last year he barbecued but that was too much work. He said this year he had it catered. Will and JD said it was very Italian but Ronnie asked how that is. They said there was a lot of Italian food there. Ronnie said that's food people brought.
Howard asked how long the party went. Ronnie said one person stayed until after midnight. Howard asked if Ronnie got hammered. Ronnie said he was taking it easy after that party he was doing security for.
Will said JD was there with his girlfriend. He said he has a different air about him now. He said he has a confidence now. JD said he thinks he acts the same. He laughed and said he doesn't know. Will said everyone's wife is way too good looking for the guy. He said Jon Hein's wife is super hot. He said it's ridiculous. Ronnie said that she has a six pack. He said you can see it through her shirt. Howard said he's seen pictures of her and he's startled by it. Howard said Jon looks like he ate his wife. Ronnie said she makes the best cookies ever but she won't eat them. He said she's a vegetarian or something. Howard said she's fattening up Jon for a heart attack or something. Howard asked what the wife does. He said she must exercise all the time.
Howard asked Jon what his wife does. Jon came in and said that she walks a lot. He said she gets up early and walks. Howard said the guys all talked about how hot she is. Ronnie said she's a doll. He said it's great when they go out to dinner with her.
Howard asked Jon about JD and what he's like with the girlfriend. Jon said she does most of the talking. He said he's a good boyfriend. He said it's entertaining to see them together. He said they're funny as hell.
Howard asked if JD talks more when he's out there. Will said he talks with his mouth full of food. JD told him to shut up. He said he wouldn't know anyway because he was chasing his kids around.
Ronnie said he can't believe that they took pictures of his bathroom. Howard said he's a big star now. Ronnie said it's all because of Howard. Howard said that's right. Ronnie said the guy who built the bathroom was at the party. He said his name is Angelo. He said he'll bury Will in cement. Howard said Ronnie is part of The Stars of Satellite Radio show. Ronnie said he didn't make that up either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had to call the police on the party because they were so loud. He said Ronnie gives his kid toy cars and chocolate too. Howard thanked the caller for the call.
Will said that Stephanie was into his kids and having fun playing with them. Howard said she's going to out live Ronnie by 40 years or so. He said this isn't her only life. Howard said that his wife is younger too but it's much more age appropriate than Ronnie's is. Ronnie said he won't be around to see it anyway so he doesn't care.
Ronnie said they're going to Aruba in October so she was out shopping for a bathing suit. Will said he saw some pictures of her and she did look good in a bikini. Ronnie said she had a monkey on her shoulder in that picture Will was talking about. Howard said he'd never let a monkey sit on him. He said he'd never sit near a monkey. He said they'll give you Zika and AIDS.
Howard said it sounds like they had a fun party. Ronnie said it was fun. He said it was his end of summer party. Howard said he went to Aruba once and it was very windy. He said he had a miserable time. Howard said he laid on the beach and had to lay as low as possible so the wind didn't hit him in the face. Howard said that was a long time ago though. He said the wind was horrible. Jon said he and his wife go there a lot and it's not that bad anymore. Jon said she wears a tankini on the beach. Howard asked what JD's girlfriend wears. JD said she has bikinis. Howard asked if it's tankini. JD said she has a few things. He said she likes the beach.
JD said his girlfriend is into hiking and camping so she wants to go out west on vacation. Howard said he should get rid of her.
Howard asked Ronnie who he would bang out of the group of women. Ronnie said he hates when there are no guests. He said Jon Hein's wife is skinny. He said he'd go with JD's girlfriend. He said he thinks Howard would take Jon Hein's wife. He said she's very skinny. Howard said he does like them very lean. He said Ronnie isn't saying she wouldn't fuck her he just can't being a relationship. Ronnie said JD's girl has nice boobs and a nice ass. He said Jon's wife has that model look. He said JD's girlfriend has big tits but she tries to hide them. He said she wears a big shirt. He asked JD if they're big. JD said they're not D's but they're nice.
Howard asked about Jon's wife. Ronnie said she shows them but she shows her whole upper body. Ronnie said she wears these boots that are great with the tight jeans. He said she wears the really tight tops and she has the make up just right. Howard asked what she does with her hair. Ronnie said it's not crazy. He said it's nice. He said you can tell she's proud of it.
Ronnie said Stephanie has gotten to be kind of conservative with her look. He said he thinks that she's trying to be like Jon's wife. Ronnie said she's wearing flats after she had ACL surgery. He said her leg is back to normal but she's afraid to wear heels. He said it looks so much better when you wear the heels though. Howard said she had surgery so she doesn't want to fuck it up. Ronnie said she had that back in February. He said she should be back to that stuff now.
Ronnie said she had this one pair of shoes that were awful. He said he asked her what the fuck that was. He said he made her go out and buy something else. Ronnie said she was wearing something that his grandmother would wear and she's been dead for a long time.
Howard asked what Stephanie wore to the party. Ronnie said she wore something nice. He said that he's sure that she'd wear something sexy to Aruba. Howard asked if he'll pick out her clothes. Ronnie said she'll do a fashion show for him when they go away. He said he'll tell her when he doesn't like something. He said she'll get upset sometimes. He said he likes stuff where her tits are out. Howard asked if she gets upset about that. Ronnie said she doesn't. Ronnie said sometimes he has to tell her that her tits are falling out of her dress. He said he likes that. He said it's like a fantasy thing. He said you wonder what's under that dress. He said all guys are like that and he knows it.
Howard asked Jon if he does that for his wife too. Jon said he doesn't. She picks out her own stuff. Howard asked if Ronnie is going to marry Stephanie down in Aruba. Ronnie said he wouldn't do that to her family.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if Jon eats pussy. Jon said it depends. King asked what his move is. Howard said that's enough of that. He said he's being gross now.
King said he retired about a week ago. He said he bought himself a Rolex. He said that it was about $16,500. Howard said his dad must have left him a lot of money. King started laughing and mumbling something about that but Howard said he's had enough and hung up on him.
Howard said Ronnie should send photos out from Aruba. He said he'd like to see what Stephanie is wearing. Howard said Ronnie is not going to get married down there. Ronnie said he's not getting married in Florida either.
Howard said they got the evaluations from Ronnie. Howard said he said nice thinks about he women. Howard brought up the bathroom pictures again and said it looks like a strip club bathroom. Ronnie said they put a bench in the shower so they can bang in there. Howard said she had it put in there so she can shave her legs. Ronnie said he hasn't banged her in that one but he has in the other shower. Howard asked if he uses Viagra. Ronnie said he doesn't need it. He said he has tried Cialis but he doesn't need it.
Ronnie was still pissed about King of All Blacks talking about how he's running from death. He said everyone is doing that. Howard said that's true. He said most people try to stay alive.
Ronnie said he doesn't recommend having a black toilet. He said it has piss stains all over it. He said they have a cleaning woman come in once a month. He said that they clean it the rest of the time. Howard said he thinks he's heard enough. He let the guys go after that. Howard said he's sorry he missed the party. Howard asked if they had karaoke there. Ronnie said no but they had plenty of drinking. Howard said Fred and Benjy should have gone. Benjy said he doesn't like to plan to go places. Howard said they should mention it was Benjy's birthday while they were gone. Howard played a birthday song with all of Benjy's weird noises as the lyrics.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he finished Narcos season 2. Howard said he did. He said he wasn't able to stop watching it. Howard said it was fantastic. Howard said he saw one review that said it wasn't as good as the first one. Howard said it was great. He said another series that's great was The Night Manager. Howard said that was really good. Howard said it was like if James Bond was recruited into his line of work. Robin said she's seen a couple of episodes. She said the guy in the show was the one who was banging Taylor Swift.
The caller said he really enjoys the show and he's thankful that they're still on the air. He said he enjoys it every day. He said they helped get him through his father's death. Howard thanked him for saying that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's in the bathroom now. He asked Howard to hold on a second. He said he just has a question. Howard told him to ask the fucking question. The guy asked if Ronnie or anyone can post the photo of his bathroom. Howard said it's up to Ronnie. The caller was still making noise like he was in the bathroom. Howard said he's a phony. He hung up on the guy. Howard said that's the worst fucking acting. Howard said that guy should be on Saturday Night Live with that routine. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and talked about how serious that REM song is. Howard said Michael Stipe has a big beard now. He said he's got a Rick Rubin style beard he thinks. Howard said he has that David Letterman look going on. Howard said he has that Billy goat thing going on with the way he sings. Howard did an impression of him singing and said maybe he should try that too. Howard said he'd be embarrassed. Howard said Jim Breuer should do it as goat boy.
Howard said he didn't think he was going to get out of bed this morning. He said he forgets about work after 2 weeks off. Howard said he still gets up early during break though. He said he was up at 5:30. He said Beth was in L.A. this weekend so he went out to dinner with Ross and Ralph. He said they hung out and had some fun. Howard said now that he's married there was no club or pick up situation. He said there was no strip club thing going on either. Howard said the strip business must be depression and economy proof. Howard said it makes sense. Howard said you tell a guy there are women who will dance naked for you they're in. Howard said he's been to some of the worst strip clubs. He said he went to one in New Jersey and they were all in a bus. Howard said they were in the middle of nowhere. He said the place was packed. Robin said that there was one where they didn't serve alcohol but guys were able to bring their own. Howard said that was great.
Howard said he went to dinner and then went home. He said there was a party going on in Brooklyn. He said everyone was going to go but he can't. He said he met some women outside a restaurant and he can't do anything so what's the point. He said he's not looking for trouble. Howard said he thinks that the women were mother/daughter. Howard said they may have been looking for some activity. Howard said another woman may have been giving him the look.
Howard said Beth went out to shoot this Hero Dog Award show. Howard said they honor great dogs who have done service. Howard said Beth has to read a bunch of shit in front of a live audience. Howard said they put the teleprompter way in the back and she can't read it without her glasses. Howard said she should just tell them to put it closer. Howard said they can put it there. Howard said Beth is so nice that she asked if they could do something. They said they can't do anything because the fire department doesn't allow it. Howard said he gets crazy hearing that. He said they got her a bigger screen but it wasn't enough so she had to wear her glasses. Howard said he'd demand that they do something but she's so nice she won't do it.
Howard said he knew they were bullshitting her. He said they told her that the fire department doesn't allow it. He said he barks out orders now and shit just happens. Howard said he would have helped her out. He said that shit makes him crazy.
Howard said he was watching something where they were talking about Larry King's wife cheating on him again. Howard said Larry still has a show. He said he thought it was for some Mexican company but it's a Russian company. Robin said he talked about that in there when he visited. Howard said he's run by Putin. Howard said Larry King said he loves working for Vladimir Putin. Howard said he thought they were making things better over in Russia but it seems like Putin has brought them back to communism. Howard said he was talking to a Russian woman who said they love him because he helped get them food.
Howard said Brent knows about this. He had Brent come in to talk about that. Brent said they do love Putin over there because of the food thing. He said Putin murders people who he doesn't like. He said he rules with an iron fist to keep that country under control. He said he was a KGB agent for a while and that's how they keep people under control. Howard said Brent knows this from studying Russian history between putting shit in a fan on the Bubba show.
Howard said he wanted to ask Brent about something during vacation. He said he's obsessed with these stolen valor videos. He said people dress up like they were in the military and they're really just losers. Brent said a lot of business owners will give stuff to people who served. He said these people will take that stuff. Howard said he likes these videos where Marines will go up to these guys and ask them about what they did in the military and they don't know what they're talking about. Howard said if he was going to fake it he'd know something about it. Howard said they know nothing.
Howard said some of the guys will get a tattoo like they were in the Marines. Brent said if you do that in a biker gang they'll cut the tattoo off of you. He said he wishes they'd do that with the military too. He said it's disgusting what these people do. He said these people put their lives on the line for this country. He said doing what they do just isn't right.
Howard said he watched a video about the first responders to ground zero on 9/11. He said people pretend to be first responders too. Howard said that's disgusting.
Brent and Howard talked about some of the videos they have seen with the stolen valor thing. They also talked about some politicians who lie about serving and they get elected. Howard said there are so many fucked up videos.
Howard asked who Brent is going to vote for. Brent said maybe Gary Johnson. Howard said he didn't know what Allepo was. Howard said he didn't either though. Brent said Gary Johnson's policy is that all troops should come home. He said he doesn't need to know if he wants everyone home. Howard asked if he is still going to vote for him. Brent said he can't vote for Trump or Clinton. He said he'd like to see Libertarians get 5 percent of the vote so they can get federal backing and get into the debates. Howard said they'll never win no matter what.
Howard said there was a guy named John Anderson who ran for office and he got like 6 percent. Howard said there was someone else who ran. Howard said Perot got 9 or more. Brent said he dropped out though. He said Ralph Nader got 90,000 votes in Florida and he was blamed for the Bush win down there.
Howard said Brent is the biggest celebrity to endorse Gary Johnson. Howard asked if he had to choose between Trump and Clinton, who would he choose. Brent said that's easy, Clinton. Howard said he should vote for her because his vote won't count if he votes for Johnson. Brent said in New Jersey they're going to vote for Clinton. Gary said he thought he was going to vote for her. Brent said some of the stuff with the Clinton's really bothers him. Howard said any politician will bother you somehow. Howard and Brent spent a few minutes talking about that.
Robin said she saw Howard in an anti-Trump commercial. Howard said he's been mentioned by Hillary in a debate. Howard said she was forced to mention him. Howard said this is the worst election ever, he's a part of it. Howard said a lot of newspapers wanted to call and ask about that interview they did years ago.
Brent talked about some of the things that bother him about Clinton. Howard said that everyone was for getting rid of Muammar Gaddafi. He said fuck that guy. Brent said that now there's ISIS. Howard said there will always be a group like that over there. Howard said we should get the fuck out and leave them to kill each other over there.
Howard said we all know that we made mistakes. Howard said you have to vote. He said you can't vote for Gary Johnson. Robin said she knows a lot of people who say they're not going to vote. Brent told Howard why things went wrong in Iran when we interfered in the 1950s. Howard said whenever we interfere it makes things worse. He said that's why we should get the fuck out.
Howard had Spoken Word Hillary on the phone. The guys in the back were playing some clips but Howard said it's not working so he bailed. He said unlike our government he knows when to get out.
Howard let Brent go a short time later. Howard said he knows a lot of stuff. He said he went to him for a reading list but then he threw it out. Howard said he wants to read about Navy Seals and stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who ended up hanging up. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said he's about to discover Blue Oyster Cult. Howard said he may take this guy on tour as a hologram. Howard said it's a good band. Howard said he's not sure how he didn't know these guys. He said they were good and now they're disbanded and one of the guys is dead.
Howard said he has a new favorite TV show. He said it's ''Finding Prince Charming'' and it's like the Bachelor but for gay guys. Howard said he likes any show like that. Howard said he likes Bachelor in Paradise too. Howard said he knows the tweets are coming about him being a homosexual.
Benjy asked if he has any disgust when he sees two guys kiss. Howard said it's hard to get used to but he doesn't judge. Howard said it can be kind of shocking when you see two guys kissing. Robin said she went to a wedding for two men she knows and it was very touching when they kissed. Howard said he
Howard said he took the Evil Dave quiz on HowardStern.com and only got 2 out of 6 right. Howard said he does the show and he got them wrong.
Howard said he missed one episode of Bachelor in Paradise. He asked if someone can get it for him. Robin said if he just had Hulu he could watch. Howard said he can't figure out how to make that happen.
Robin read about how Corey Booker is dating someone new. Robin said she knows Howard tried to hook her up with him. Howard said he's giving up on that. Howard said he thinks BeBe Winans was a good one for Robin. Benjy said Robin turned him down on the show. Robin said she doesn't remember it going down like that. Robin said Corey is with a 29 year old who is a poet.
Robin read a story about Amber Heard and how Elon Musk is rumored to be dating her. Howard said he'd date her too. He said short of murder if a girl looks like that he'd go out with her. Howard asked who could blame the guy. Robin said they are saying they're just friends right now. Howard said he wouldn't be friends with her. Howard said he'd date Casey Anthony. He asked what she did again. Robin said she was accused of killing her daughter. Howard said she was found innocent though.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she's cleaning her daughter's room. Howard asked how old she is. Mariann said she's 24. She said she's at work though. Mariann said she heard Howard was at a Barbra Streisand gathering. Howard said his friend had a party and he didn't want to go. He went but he didn't see Barbra. Howard said he brought the bug spray with him and he was spraying himself and Beth down. He said they were going to eat outside but it was 8:30 and he left. He said then Barbra showed up. Howard said he's met her before. He said he went to another party and she was there and he was walking over to say hello but she was deep in conversation with someone else so he walked away. Howard said John Mellencamp was there so he said hello to him instead. Howard said he had a nice time at that party.
Mariann said Howard is so big. She said when he goes away all of this shit went down. She brought up the Anthony Weiner thing that went down. Howard asked what the fuck that guy is up to. He said that picture of him with the baby in his underwear is nuts. Howard said he thinks his wife, Huma, is hot. Howard said she's finally leaving that guy. Howard asked on what planet he thinks he looks good and why would he show his face in a photo like that. Howard said he can't stop tweeting. Howard said it's repulsive because he's not even meeting these women. Howard said it's mental.
Mariann said she knew he wasn't trustworthy two years ago. Howard said no one listens to her because of that voice. Mariann said she saw the video that he was talking about earlier and that girl is gorgeous. Howard said they have the Pete Yorn video up there now with Charlotte McKinney in it. Howard let Mariann go and did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Jon Benet Ramsey and how there's a new special about her death. Howard said he saw that the brother is talking to Dr. Phil about it.
Robin asked if Howard knows how old Ringo and Paul McCartney are. Howard guessed but was a few years off. Robin said Ringo is 76 and Paul is 73. Howard said Ringo aged very well. He said he's hoping that happens to him too. He said maybe he'll look his best at 76. Robin read about how Ron Howard did this documentary about The Beatles and he says they used to be a cover band.
Robin read a story about how we have to worry about the election being hacked. Robin said they say it would be hard but we have to protect it because there are people who might be interested in making that happen like the Russians. Robin asked if this country could be controlled by a dictator. Howard said he thinks so. He said people are sheep. He said he can see it happening easily. Howard said there are people out there who don't get the concept of the country. He said this country is about immigrants and now we don't want to offer the same generosity. Howard said he thinks the country could be controlled by a dictatorship. Robin asked if he'd be okay with it. Howard said no but what is he going to do. Howard said he's very brave but most people are sheep. Robin had some audio of someone talking about the possible hacking of the votes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening to the 9/11 broadcast he did and he wondered if he knew he was the one who called out Osama bin Laden. Howard said he knows. He said he caught shit for it too. Howard said people said he was jumping to conclusions. Howard said he knew it from the first plane hitting it. Howard said about a year before that they featured Osama on Son of the Beach. The caller said that broadcast is just as riveting as it was that day. Howard said he gets so angry watching the coverage. He said he gets sad and not even angry. He said it's just so sad. Howard said it's too much to handle emotionally.
Robin read about what President Obama said about the attacks yesterday. Robin had some audio of President Obama talking about the 15th anniversary of the attacks. Robin had some other audio of some people talking about 9/11.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton's diagnosis of Pneumonia. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how bad the timing is. Howard let out a huge fart during that story. Howard said it smells like a dead animal in there now. Robin continued with her story like nothing happened. Howard played a clip of Hillary having a coughing fit during a speech. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the President of the Philippines insulting President Obama. Robin said it led to Obama cancelling a visit over there. Robin said the President of the Philippines is apologizing now. Robin said this guy Rodrigo Duterte called President Obama a son of a bitch. He once said he wanted to call the pope a son of a whore. Robin read some other things the guy has said that are out there.
Robin read a story about a Florida man dying after he tested a bullet proof vest. Robin said the man's cousin is being charged with manslaughter. Robin said the vest didn't stop the bullet. Robin said it might be safer to do it on a dummy. Robin said if someone asks you to shoot someone wearing a vest should you be charged with manslaughter. Howard said yes. He said you should know better.
Robin read a story about Colin Kaepernick and how there might be a boycott of the 49ers because he's been sitting during the National Anthem. Howard asked why anyone cares what this guy does. Howard said it's just at games that they play this song. He said they started it during World War II and this tradition is still going. Howard said it doesn't make his country any less if someone sits. Robin said he has free speech so he can do that if he wants. Howard said they don't bitch about it when the network cuts to commercial when they play the National Anthem. Howard said no one screams about that.
Robin read a story about the Chicago murder rate hitting 500 on Labor Day weekend. Robin said it's an average of 12 people being shot every day. Robin said these are not police shootings. Robin said they're drive-bys and things like that. Robin said the protests aren't really helping and people are still being killed. Robin said something needs to be done. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a boy whose Samsung Galaxy Note 7 blew up in his hands and he's recovering from the injuries. Robin said they say it's a problem with the phone. Robin said there have been lots of explosions and they're causing all kinds of incidents. Robin said Samsung has asked owners not to use the phone. Robin said Samsung's stock has dropped. Howard said he just read the battery is the problem.
Robin read a story about a researcher who is debunking the 5 second rule. Robin said they say bacteria can transfer to food no matter how quickly you pick it up off the floor. Robin had some audio of the researcher talking about their testing. Howard said he's studying that ''A stitch in 9 saves time'' to prove it wrong. Howard said they're also testing to see if watching a pot keeps it from boiling. Howard said he heard a story about Robin drinking a coffee that Benjy threw in the garbage. Robin said it never went into the garbage but Benjy picked it up as if it were his. Gary said their spy says it was in the garbage. Robin said it was never in there.
Robin read a story about Mark Zuckerberg and his wife having a baby while they were on vacation. Robin said they have pledged to give away all of the money to charity. Howard said that baby's first words are going to be ''fuck you'' if that's the case.
Robin read a story about the movie ''Sully'' earning $35 million at the box office this weekend. Robin read about the other movies that were in the top 3.
Robin said Dancing with the Stars is back. Robin read about some of the celebrities they have on this season. Robin named some who Howard didn't recognize. One was a little person. As soon as Howard heard that he said he'll be watching. He said he has to watch. Gary brought in a picture so Howard could see who he'd be watching.
Robin read about how MTV gave Kanye West time to speak at the VMAs and he was just going off the cuff. Howard said he fast forwarded through all of that. Robin had some audio of him speaking. Howard said he's so articulate. Robin had him play another clip. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how they're doing 2 live shows in a row. Howard played a clip of Elephant Boy announcing that they have Fred Armisen and Seth Meyers coming in today.
Howard said he's a little weary this morning. He was up at 3am and he hasn't slept. He said he was going to try to get them into work at that time. He said he had to watch Dancing with the Stars. He said a lot of people watch the show. He said he was excited to see the little person. Howard said it made him kind of sad. He said she's a little person and now she's on Dancing with the Stars. He said she was breaking his heart. Howard said he's with her in her struggle. Howard said if radio disappeared he'd be in her situation.
Howard said they're putting a lot of money into the show. He said it kind of ruins it when they do that. Howard said now they may have fired the band. Howard said they had the actual music tracks to dance to. Howard said he has a mixed feeling about that. Howard said they were so bad. He said it was shit when the band performed it.
Howard said he's rooting for Erin Andrews. He said she's awful though. Howard said the show is so sweet it makes America's Got Talent look edgy. He said it's crazy. Howard said Rick Perry ruined any credibility he had. He said he's a goon. Howard said he claimed he was learning to dance for his daughter's wedding. He said that's lame. Howard said he can't watch Marilou Henner. He isn't sure why but he loves her. He said he doesn't want to watch her dance. Howard said he doesn't want to see any athlete dance except Ryan Lochte. He said he goes to the Olympics and jumps in a pool and goes aback and forth. He asked what we should expect from a guy like that. Howard said the guy didn't need to fuck with things down there in Rio. Howard said Marilou Henner will remember this show if she hears it. He said she has that memory that lasts forever.
Howard said he liked Vanilla Ice on the show. He said he liked his song too. He said he's not sure why they goof on him so much. Howard said the guy is so busy he barely had time to do Dancing with the Stars.
Howard said he's not sure who else was on there. Robin said the Olympic girl. Howard said she was good. He said she's very talented and you can tell she's going to win. Howard said there was one girl who was really good looking and good at dancing. Howard said everyone else was sort of a waste of time. Howard said the little person isn't. He said they found a partner for her who must be the shortest regular sized man in the world.
Howard said the cool thing is that she brings a lot of little people with her to the audience. Howard said she was almost in tears on the show. Howard said she's built like Hank. He said good for her having a positive attitude. Howard said he's rooting for her. Howard said there were some dudes he didn't care about. Howard said he fast forwarded through most of the people on the show. He didn't care about Baby Face. He said there was some guy on the show who was a child actor and he's trying to jump start his whole thing. Howard said it never works on that show. Robin said someone did well. Mario Lopez. She said he's doing very well. Howard said he's hosting that entertainment show. He said he's doing great.
Howard said he also watched Ray Donovan from Sunday night. Robin said that was good. Howard said he fast forwarded through the protest against Ryan Lochte. Howard said he missed all of that. Robin said people were upset with him being on the show after lying in Brazil. Howard said they did acknowledge it but then they glossed over it.
Howard said three people came out at one point and celebrated the fact that they were the first show on TV after 9/11. Howard said everyone applauded them. Howard said you've got to be fucking kidding. He said they're acting like they're brave. He played a clip of that part of the show. They were making a big deal about how they were the first show to go on four days after 9/11. They said the Miss America pageant contestants are dedicated to public service. They decided to be an example of America's resilience so they went on. Howard thanked them for their service.
Howard said he remembers that year very well. He said no one came in last. They were all heroes. Howard said it's so great. He said they compete in pageants their whole life and they're a total fucking goof. Howard said now they're trying to make it heroic that they went on after 9/11.
Howard said they ask very complex questions and then give them 20 seconds to answer. Howard said they should be out blowing the troops on stage. Howard said those guys deserve a blow job from a hot chick.
Howard played a clip of one of the contestants being asked if she thinks the country has an immigration problem. The contestant said ''I myself am a quarter Japanese...'' Howard had to rewind that to hear it again. Howard goofed on the way she was answering. Robin said she's saying so much without saying anything.
Howard played another clip where they asked a contestant about Matt Lauer and the election coverage. Howard said the girls aren't very good at answering. This contestant said she supports both candidates. Howard said the next girl doesn't offend anyone either. He played another clip where the girl was asked to talk about Donald Trump. She was talking about how we have to come together and celebrate all people.
Howard asked if there's a rule about not having implants. He thought they had a rule about being all natural. Howard played another clip of one of the contestants being asked about Hillary Clinton. She spent her 20 seconds talking about that.
Howard said that was the Miss America pageant. He said they love it. Howard said he was watching TV and Joy Behar was hosting 20 years of The View. Howard said she's in her 70s and looks like she's in her 50s. Howard said he thinks she looks good. He said she looks normal. He said Robin looks good and she hasn't had work done. Robin said she's seen some people who need work. Howard said he doesn't think plastic surgery is a good thing. Howard said Benjy might need some. Benjy is back up to being heavy again. Benjy said he's up about 60 pounds from his low. He said he started dieting again. He said it was just 2 days ago. Howard said he's like the boy who cried wolf with that. He said he's done so many diets.
Howard asked what he did to screw up yesterday. Benjy said he had some things scheduled yesterday. He said he had to take a nap and he has to eat a lot to fall asleep. Howard asked what he ate. Benjy said he picked up some pizza. He had a bunch of garlic knots and pizza. Benjy called them ''garlic nuts.'' Robin said they're knots. Howard said he had a slice of pizza or two. Benjy said he ate some of it on his way home. He said he wanted to share some when he got home. He said that was his pre-stuff.
Howard said he's a big boy. Benjy said he hates the feeling of being full. Howard said if he hated it he wouldn't do it. Howard said that was just the beginning of his meal. Howard said he must shit the size of an elephant. Howard asked what he weighs now. Benjy said he's about 240.5. Fred said that means he weighs 260. Benjy said that's what his scale says after his big dump in the morning.
Fred said he does travel outside the U.S. Howard asked where he went. Fred said he went to England and France with the family. Bobo said that's awesome. Howard let Bobo go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a friend of Bobo's. The guy said he's a shitty driver. He said that Bobo parked in a handicapped spot for over an hour and laughed about it. Howard asked if he's trying to give Bobo a nervous breakdown. He hung up on that guy and on Bobo. They played one more Bobo song parody.
Howard said they had a lot of email about Ronnie the Limo Driver. Howard read some of those emails. Howard read one where a guy said he knew a guy who had a brown toilet like Ronnie has a black toilet and it's gross how it covers up pee stains and things you can't see.
Howard said it's the 5th anniversary of ''Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop the clock.'' Howard said he doesn't even think about that. He said that caught on and Ronnie wouldn't let it die. Howard played a clip of Ronnie saying it for the first time while talking to a stripper. He was asking the stripper some question and after she'd answer he'd say ''Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop the clock.''
Howard asked who couldn't be exchanged by Ronnie after that. Robin said he must sit down and think about that. Howard said it was 5 years ago that they were creeped out by Ronnie. Howard asked who's more out of it the girls or Ronnie.
Howard played another clip of Mike Gange talking about how Ronnie corrected him once when he didn't say it correctly. Howard said sports casters started using it after that. Howard played a clip of Mark Grant saying it during a broadcast. Howard played another clip from a TV show that used the phrase in a show. He played another one where Parks and Rec used it.
Howard said it became so big that Sarah Silverman and Natalie Maines wrote a song using the phrase. Howard said it was the highlight of the night and the highlight of Ronnie's life. Howard played the song that Natalie and Sarah performed.
Howard said he forgot to mention that they wanted to go to the Miss America pageant and they got press credentials. Howard read the note they got from the Miss America people. Howard said they had media guidelines there that they had to check. Howard said he thinks by the next day someone figured out who they were. Howard said they got a note the next day canceling their credentials. Howard read the note they got from them saying that they were sent that information by mistake. Then they said they were unable to approve their application for credentials. Howard said the day before they had plenty of room. Howard said they should have gone and said they never got the second email.
Howard said that barber shop wasn't freaked out at all. Howard said it must be a common problem. Howard said they have Bill Hader, Seth Meyers and Fred Armisen coming in. Howard said they were wondering if they should bring them in and set them up during the break. Howard said they're all friends and they all get hot chicks. Howard said they write some funny shows and get paid. Howard said it's awesome. Howard said Bill looks like he might be a little bit miserable though. Howard said they've all done movies and TV shows. Howard said they're all worth about 10-15 million dollars. Howard said they'll find out who pays the bill when they go out.
Howard said normally he wouldn't have 3 guys in but it works with them. Howard said he loves Fred doing his Ringo impression. He said he could listen to that the whole time. Howard said he does it so perfectly when he does it. He loves his Prince impression too. Howard said someone was giving him shit for doing the impression. He said he thinks Prince loved the impression.
Howard said he has a whole bunch of things to play. He played a clip of Wendy the Slow Adult talking about how to cure a rash during the hot summer months. She mentioned something about rolling around in the mud like a pig.
Howard said he has a story about Larry King's love life in the paper. He said it sounds wild. Howard asked if he has to take a break. Fred said he does. Howard said he'll get to it after the break. He said he might have to spend some time on this one. Howard said it's a teaser. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said they were going to be exceptionally professional and have the guys come in during the break to set up. Howard said no one wanted to do that. Howard said they have Bill Hader, Seth Meyers and Fred Armisen in now. Howard said they should let each of them talk so they can get to know them. Howard had Bill say a few words. Then he had Fred Armisen say a few words and then Seth Meyers.
Howard said it's a big morning for them. He said they're on a promotional tour for this show they do where they do fake documentaries. Howard said they actually renewed that show. Bill laughed. Seth said the ratings weren't bad. He said it wasn't Empire though. Howard said they have to convince people to watch this show. Howard asked how they got it renewed if the ratings weren't good. Seth said they renewed it for 2 more seasons before the first season even premiered. Bill said he was told that and he said ''What!?'' He thought he was joking.
Howard said Bill had 5 movies come out in a matter of 12 weeks. Howard said they came out one after the other. He said Bill is on a roll. Bill said they were all animated but he is very lucky. Howard said no one asks him to be in an animated movie. Howard said he was asked once. Fred said he's done a few here and there. Howard asked what voices he can do. Fred and Bill did their voices and asked Howard to do his. Howard's is like Kermit the Frog. He did one that sounded like his mother.
Howard said Bill went up to JJ Abrams and wanted to do a voice in Star Wars. Bill said JJ actually called him. He wanted him to do BB-8. He said he did his voice and everyone in the room was like ''no.'' Bill said what they did months later was doing a talk box thing into an iPad. He said he did that instead. Howard said that's an insult to say no to him. Howard played a clip of Bill doing his thing for BB-8. Bill said you can tell when you hear it. Seth said he was like ''Bill?'' when he heard that in the movie.
Howard asked what he did in Sausage Party. Bill told Howard he was a Native American. Bill said people run up to you and tell you want to do at the last minute.
Howard asked Fred if he always did Prince. Fred said he did it in high school. Howard asked what the story was about going up to Prince, when he was alive, and asking him something. Fred said he did his own after party at Saturday Night Live. He said they had theirs and Prince had his own. Howard asked if anyone has kids that they have to go home to. Howard said he wouldn't want to go to any party after doing that. Fred said Prince had this party and he had a buffet of macaroni and cheese. He said it was pretty quiet there. He said he went to that and he wanted to tell him something. He was hoping to hear something nice back. He said Prince was sitting alone eating mac and cheese. He said he carefully sat down and said he thinks he's the greatest. He said Prince said he thinks the greatest is this macaroni and cheese. Fred said he had to walk away from the table alone backwards. He said he wasn't sure if he was joking. Howard asked if he was trying to be funny or humiliate him. Fred said it might be been somewhere in between. He said it didn't feel mean.
Howard said it's not easy to go up to the guy and tell him that. Seth said Prince gave him the greatest gift of having a Prince story. He said that's the best gift you can give.
Seth said there's another story where they were going to ask Prince to be in a Prince sketch. Fred and Maya went up to him to ask if he would do it. He said Prince was rehearsing and he was going to come over and talk to them but then he disappeared down the hall and into the elevator. Seth said it was easy to be Prince and very hard to be Prince's assistant.
Howard said Fred caught some shit from Prince fans. Howard said they had the Prince tribute and they had some of his sketches on the Saturday Night Live tribute. Howard said some people had a bug up their asses. Fred said he didn't hear anything about that. Robin said he just found out now. Howard said Fred over thinks everything. Howard said Fred is the band leader on Seth's show and he doesn't want to shine too much. Howard said he's a very thoughtful guy. Howard said most guys would try to steal the show from Seth. Seth thanked Fred for that. He said he knows he could steal it and take it over.
Howard asked if Seth would ever let Fred sit in for him if he had a heart attack or something. Fred said he would do it in a second. Seth said he'd watch the show with Fred hosting and keep having heart attacks every night.
Howard asked Bill about leaving Saturday Night Live and how that went the last season they were there. Bill said he and Fred left the stage at the same time and they knew they were done that night. Howard said he loves that part of the show when the show ends and you see everyone on stage. Howard said he could watch 20 minutes of that. Seth said it's weird being up there because you know people are watching.
Bill said the worst thing is when everyone starts waving and everyone is leaving because they had a bad show. Howard asked if they know when it's bad. Seth said you do. Seth said you'd rather have an F than a C- on that show. Howard said Fred's career was almost built on bombing. Seth said you remember the terrible ones that they can laugh about now. Seth said that Lorne will tell you it wasn't terrible if it was really bad. He said he'll say the crowd wasn't that good. Bill said New York City will tell you when you're out on the street. He said they'll just tell you it was dumb. Bill said one time he was with his in-laws and someone told him he fucking sucks.
Howard said Seth and Fred are in things that Lorne Michaels produces. He said Bill isn't though. Howard asked if that was a conscious decision. Bill said it was just seeing what he can do. He said he was doing stuff with other people when he was still on Saturday Night Live. Howard said there must be something there. Bill said he can picture Lorne listening in his pajamas now listening to a really old fashioned radio.
Howard said they have to get people to tune in to see this documentary show. Howard said they're not easy shows to produce. Howard said they have to come up with the concept and shoot in weird places. Howard said it has to be heartbreaking that no one is watching it. Bill said they love doing it. Howard said it might be a series that will be a classic in a few years. Howard said the show is called Documentary Now and it's on IFC. Howard said they were nominated for Emmys for the show. Howard asked if that's cool. Seth said they won't win for that.
Howard said Fred is nominated for Portlandia too. Howard said Fred hosted Saturday Night Live and got nominated for that too. Howard said he did great that night. Howard said Amy Schumer is nominated too. It's also Key and Peele. Howard said it's Fred in Portlandia and on Saturday Night Live. They said it's also Drunk History. Howard said Fred must really want this. Fred said it's great. He said he loves getting to go but he's okay not winning. Howard asked if he'll bring a date to the Emmy's. Fred said he'll bring his girlfriend.
Howard asked if Fred will write a speech. Fred said no. He said maybe Seth will write something. Fred said he's not sure if he'll do that or not. Howard said he's not sure what to believe with Fred. Howard said he thinks he wants to win. Seth said he would rather win than not. Howard said Portlandia won for production design. Howard asked how much longer he's doing that show. Fred said a few more years.
Howard said Fred does such a great Ringo. He asked him to do some of that. Fred did that ''Peace and Love'' thing a bit. Howard said he could listen to that for an hour. Fred did it again and had Howard cracking up. Howard asked if part of it is just not saying that much. Fred said he's not sure what it is. He said it's an announcement and that's why it comes out like that.
Howard said that Ringo is 76 years old and he looks good. Howard said it's amazing. Fred said it doesn't look like he's had work done either. Howard said it gives him hope. Howard said imagine he gets good looking at 77.
Fred said they saw Lorne yesterday and he said Howard showed him his paintings. Howard said he did. He said he swore him to secrecy. Howard said he asked Lorne if he will retire eventually and he said no. He said Lorne will probably die working on something in entertainment. Howard said he showed Lorne his paintings and he was with a professional painter. He said he didn't want to do that. Howard said they were very complimentary about them. Seth said the idea of Lorne painting is funny. He said he can picture him asking someone to paint something for him.
Howard said Seth got into some trouble with Donald Trump. Howard said he goofed on him at a Correspondents Dinner a few years ago. Howard said now he's banned trump from his show. Seth said he would never come on either way so it was a no sacrifice thing. He said Trump won't come on but he'd love to have him on. He said Trump has no love for him. He said Trump has said he sounds like he has marbles in his mouth and it's such a 50s thing to say. Howard said it's a very juvenile thing to say. Seth said that he always says he hates to say something and then bashes the person calling them a third rate talent.
Seth said he had a very nice exchange with Trump at the Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show. He said they had a nice talk and he thought bygones would be bygones. He said he never thought he would run and last this long. Howard asked if he's afraid he'll take his show off the air. Seth said he doesn't think he could do that but he might try. Howard said Nixon tried to get Lennon out of the country. He said he might do it. Seth said he enjoyed that dinner he did with Trump and he loves that he still brings it up.
Howard asked the guys if they're all happy. Howard said Bill seems like he might be the one who isn't so happy. He said Bill said once he got on Saturday Night Live his life made sense. Howard said he was an extra on Son of the Beach before that. Bill said he was an extra on that show. He said that he remembers Seth Rogen hosting Saturday Night Live and Lorne told him he could work there as long as he wants. Seth and Fred said they're happy doing what they do too.
Howard said Trump said that Seth was an insult to the great Regis Philbin when he co-hosted with Kelly Ripa. Seth said he wrote that after actually seeing him on the show. Bill did an impression of Trump running across Seth hosting the show and yelling '''What the fuck!'' when he sees him on.
Howard said they must miss doing Saturday Night Live together. Seth said he misses the Wednesday table reads. Bill said he lived and died by every sketch. He said he remembers watching Fred doing something that wasn't going well and he'd be smiling and laughing and having a good time. He said he wanted to be in that place where Fred was. Seth said one time Fred did a character that kept putting a scarf on. Fred said it takes a couple of minutes to take a scarf off and that's what the character would do. Howard said these sketches sound very funny and he wonders why they didn't make it. Seth said it's 4 minutes of the scarf unwinding so that's why. Seth said Fred brought in a typewriter once for a court reporter sketch. Bill said he laughs very easily and he thought Fred doing that made him laugh. He said on air Fred would stare at him and make him smile. Howard said they must like cracking each other up.
Bill said he did a short term memory theater sketch where he would forget his lines. He said in his head he thought it would be funny to say something to Fred that would mess with him. He said Fred had a sixth sense that he was going to do something. He came on the set with a Giants jacket on and he asks him to give him the jacket and then Fred asks if the play is over.
Seth said they did a sketch where Fred and Bill were talking to kids and they were telling the kids about Christmas and it immediately died in dress rehearsal. Bill said it was so bad they came out of character and said Bobby Moynihan's name. Seth said the sketch was bombing and they were just messing around and Jamie Foxx was the host and you remember when he comes on the stage that it's a big star.
Bill said they did Cheech and Chong once and they were in a car on the set. Bill said at one point they had no idea how loud his Chong was. He said he did his voice and it was so loud in the car. He said Fred said on air how loud it was. He said they looked just like them too. Howard asked what the concept was. Bill said it was Eli Manning as the third guy in the group. They had him telling them not to do drugs. Howard said the idea was that he didn't work in the three man group so they had to kick him out. They said that was it.
Howard asked if they were too young to know Cheech and Chong. Bill said no way. Fred said they were always pretty big. Howard said they were really good. Seth said his dad showed them to him too young and he didn't get it. Howard said it was so break through and revolutionary. Howard asked if they were goofing on them or was it an homage. They said it was an homage.
Howard said he wants to promote this project. Howard said he likes the idea of Documentary Now. Howard said each episode is going to be Fred and Bill. He said that they all write it but Seth isn't in them. Seth said John Mullaney also writes it. Howard asked Bill about not going to Columbia. Bill said he's glad he didn't go. He said one of the production people was bitten by a scorpion. Howard said they must have location that look like Columbia. Seth said it is beautiful down there. Howard asked what the goof is in that one. Seth said it's a goof on a documentary about a guy who has a Michelin Star restaurant in a subway station. He said this one is in the mountains.
Bill said they did a sketch like this on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he loved Bill doing that character Stefan on Saturday Night Live. Howard asked if the whole idea was to make Seth laugh on the show. Bill said he finds it funny when people are very patient with an insane person. He said Seth had that with Stefan. Howard said he thought when he put his hands in front of his face he was smelling his fingers. Seth said it was more of an ecstasy thing.
Seth said when he was doing the news on Saturday Night Live he would see Fred coming out to do David Patterson or something and he would crack up. He said Lorne laughed so hard at that impression. Howard said Fred is able to morph into these characters and he really looked like he was out of it. Howard asked if he felt bad goofing on the guy. Fred said he didn't feel like he was goofing on the guy. Seth said that he was high status and the show ended perfectly because the guy came on the show the last time they did it.
Howard said he loved when Bill would crack people up. Howard said that some people bomb in those situations. Bill said he's gone out and bombed doing that. Seth said you have to let people bomb out there. He said they want to see more sometimes. Seth said the other great thing was when Patterson came out to do the show and Mullaney had to read his lines. He said when you write there on Saturday Night Live you do it in a room and Mullaney didn't know he was going to have to come out and read it for the guy.
Howard said Bill does that President of Hollywood routine. Howard said he loves that routine. Howard said most people don't come out in character when they do a roast. Bill said that was something Rob Klein and John Mullaney came up with. Bill explained the character he did for that episode of Documentary Now.
Howard asked if they're going to sit together at the Emmys. They weren't sure. Howard said it must be so fun to be out there with them. Howard asked if they'll hang out together. They said it takes forever to get there. Bill said it takes hours in traffic to get there. Bill said you do all of that and then lose and have to sit there. Howard said they should make it like a party there. He said he thinks it would be so much fun. Howard asked if they go to parties. Seth said he does. Seth said it's nice to go up to someone and congratulate them if you know them.
Howard said he'd be afraid to go up to the guys. He said he'd be afraid they'd want to goof on him or something. Howard said most of his life he wasn't brought into the room as the cool guy. Howard said now it's like payback time for these guys. Howard said they can goof on people and make jokes about people. Howard said it's like retribution for high school. Fred said it's more like landing someplace you'd rather be. He said it's great.
Howard said one of the documentaries they do on the second season of this show... the guys all laughed. Howard said it's amazing they got a second season. Bill asked how the hell they got a second season. Howard said he can't wait for them to come in and promote season 3. Howard said one of the documentaries they do is called The War Room and Fred plays George Stephanapolous. Bill plays James Carville. Howard said he does a wicked impression of the guy. Bill said it was different on Update. He said he was insane on that. Bill said he was raised by eel in the Update one. He said he wanted to say hello to his mother in one and he looked into the camera and hissed.
Howard said he doesn't believe that the late night guys are friendly. He said he heard Seth is friendly with James Corden. Howard said everyone wants to pretend that they're friends. Howard asked if it would kill him to lose to him in ratings. Howard said he's beating Corden in the ratings. Seth said he thinks that's because of his lead in. He said that Jimmy gives him a good lead in.
Howard said the boys have done it again. Howard said peace and love, peace and love. That got Fred to do his ''Peace and love'' impression. Fred did that as if he were ordering breakfast. Howard was cracking up so much that he knocked off his headphones and then Mariann from Brooklyn was on the line. Howard said he knocked the phone with his hand.
Howard gave the guys a plug for Documentary Now which premieres on Wednesday at 10pm on IFC. Howard said that's a prime spot on IFC. Howard said he's shocked that no one stole that spot. Bill cracked up. Howard said they also spoof the Talking Heads this season.
Seth said tonight they have Bill on Late Night and they also have the band on. Howard said they have an exclusive scene from the show on HowardStern.com too. Howard said he loves talking to these guys about this stuff.
Howard asked if there's anything else they want to promote. Bill said he has an HBO show coming out but not for another year or so. He said that he's a former hitman who wants to be an actor. Seth said he saw it and it's great. He said it's got great buzz.
Howard asked who has the most things in production now. Howard asked if it's Bill or Seth. Seth said he just has two things. Howard gave them some more plugs and said they had to really fight to get the exclusive clip for their web site. Howard said it's the second season and the boys will be at the Emmys too. Howard asked if they have anything else to promote. Fred said maybe Portlandia. He said it's coming out in January.
Howard asked if anyone wants to talk politics. Seth said they mentioned Howard on his show the other night. He said Howard asked Trump if he was for the Iraq war back in 2002. Howard said he asked Trump because he's a great guest on the show. He said they'd talk about something as serious as Iraq or about who has the biggest tits in the Miss America pageant. Howard said they'd go around the world with the various discussions. Robin said he was always threatening to run for President. Howard said he would give an opinion on everything. Seth said it's so telling that they have this candidate who they know where he stood on that stuff because he was on this show. Howard said it might come back and haunt these guys some day when they run for president. Howard said the guys are off to be on the Today show together. They're going to be on with Charlie Rose.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in. Howard said he's been told they have to leave. Howard said goodbye to Ringo. Fred did his Ringo impression. Howard asked him to come in and do that for four hours. Fred said he would do that no problem. He said he'd love to do that. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that. They played the actual Ringo clip as they went to break.
Howard said doody has become a whole thing with him. He said it's almost sexual. He said when it comes out it's so great. He said he gets sleepy afterward. Howard said he was up at 3 this morning and that's why he watched Dancing with the Stars. He said he got charged up from it. Howard said he's sure he'd dance like former governor Rick Perry. Howard said he's like a himbo. Howard said he wasn't able to remember the name of anything. Robin said he forgot the names of the agencies he wanted to get rid of. Howard said the guy is a fucking moron. Howard said they want to get rid of the agencies but then they realize they need them. Howard said they need an infrastructure.
Howard said they say half the toilets there at Sirius don't flush. Howard said he'd be mortified if he went in and found that out. Gary said there was a janitor in there yesterday plunging 3 of the 5 toilets. Howard said he's sure he'd have to do that if he wasn't on radio.
Howard said he freaks when he's at home and the doody won't go down. Howard said the plunger gets doody on it and then you put it on the floor. He said he breaks up the doody with a brush sometimes. He said he'll use it as a hatchet. He said then he flits it around in the toilet water. Howard said it's crazy what he does. Howard said he has to sit there trying to get his doody down. Howard said in New York they have the ''green'' toilets that don't use that much water. Howard said you have to flush 50 times just to get toilet paper down.
Howard said Los Angeles has the Rams again. Howard said there's a show called Hard Knocks and this guy who plays for the L.A. Rams doesn't believe dinosaurs ever existed. Howard said the coach is talking and he says William Hayes doesn't believe in dinosaurs but he does believe in mermaids. Howard played the clip of the guy talking about that. Howard said this is a great documentary on this guy. Howard said he bets he believes that Jesus existed. Howard said maybe George Washington never existed because no one has ever seen him. Howard asked why he believes in mermaids if no one has ever seen one. Howard said they took the guy to a museum to see fossils and he still doesn't believe. Robin asked why he thinks he's so smart.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who said everyone thinks they're smart. Howard said he doesn't think he's smart. Howard said he was yelling at himself over not being able to figure out a math problem. Tommy asked if Allepo was the fourth Marx brother. Howard said he's hearing that city name all the time now. Howard said he didn't know it before that came up the other day.
Tommy asked if Howard still thinks the NY Times is still a great paper. Howard said it's one of the greatest achievements in history. Howard said they write about things that no one thinks to write about. Howard said it's remarkable what they write about. Howard said they just did a review of the Morgan Library in the city. Howard said when he hears they're not making money it makes him sad. He said there's no more pleasure than sitting down with the paper at the end of the day and reading it. Howard said there are so many things to explore. Howard said they did an exploration the other day about how these liquid antibacterial soaps can be dangerous to your eyes. He said there's a brand of toothpaste that has the same chemical in it. He said he doesn't see anyone else reporting on this stuff. Howard said they come up with things. Howard asked how they can't be making money. Tommy said no one under 40 reads the paper. Howard said he still gets pleasure from holding the paper. Tommy said he likes the NY Post better. Howard let Tommy go after that.
Howard said the caller would have gotten one with that. Howard said that was practice. Howard said he has to get 3 out of 5 now. Howard asked Rob if Richard would lick High Pitch Erik sweaty ass cheeks for $1,000. Rob said he would. Howard played his answer and Richard said the cheeks yes, asshole no.
Howard said the next thing they asked Richard was if he'd lick dried bird shit for $1,000. Rob said that he would. Richard's answer was yes.
Howard said they asked Richard if he would lick JD's jizzed on t-shirt on the jizz. Rob said Richard will say no. Howard played Richard's answer which was yes as long as it was dry.
Howard said Rob blew that one. Howard said they asked Richard if he would lick Wendy's used tampon for $1,000. Rob said Richard will say no. Richard's answer was ''Oh my god... no... but for 10 grand I would.'' Rob won the $500. Howard put him on hold.
Howard said they asked if Richard would lick his hamster's butthole. Richard said yes to that. He said he would lick the folds under Jason's tits. Richard was asked if he would lick a fresh drop of Sal's semen. Robin said he'll say no to that. Howard said he thinks so too. Richard's answer was no. He said dried maybe but not fresh. Robin asked what the difference is. Howard said Robin has tasted both.
Howard said they asked Richard if he would lick the floor of a subway. Howard said he can't imagine he would. Richard's answer was yes.
Howard said they asked Richard if he would lick Howard's toilet bowl. Richard's answer was yes. Howard said there has to be a no in there somewhere.
They asked Richard if he would lick the inside of Sal's foreskin. Richard said no but for six grand he would. He said he'll lick Jason's tits right now. Howard said he might cough up the 6 grand for the foreskin. Howard said you know Sal won't wash that thing for a week. Howard asked Sal if he would let Richard do that. Sal said he needs money. Sal said he's the one getting licked. Robin said he's the one getting the pleasure. Howard said you know he won't wash that thing for a few days. Sal said he'll do it for the last day before Christmas and he won't wash it starting today. Sal said it'll get really bad by then. Howard said Sal might cum. Sal said he might. He said he needs some money too though. Howard said he's sure they could raise some money. Sal said Richard has been wearing the same shirt for weeks and he sneezes into it. He said he looks like a ham when he's all sweaty and sick. Howard said it's so disgusting. Sal said Richard loves his grossness. Howard said other people don't.
Howard said Richard told him that people step away from him on the subway. Sal said he is slimy and greasy. He said he looks like he was just pulled out of an ass. He said Will is disgusted with him. Howard asked why he's so gross. Sal told him to come in and explain it.
Howard asked if he'll really lick his cock cheese. Richard said he would for 6 grand. He said he has one request. He said he had that on his lip once and it reeks. Howard asked if he thinks Sal will get hard when he does it. Richard said he bets he will. Richard asked that Sal pull the foreskin back so he doesn't have to lick the head of his cock. Howard was getting grossed out. He said he's not sure he wants to do this. Howard told him to just suck his dick already.
Howard asked if Richard would lick Joey Boots' cock. He played his answer and it was no but maybe for 20 grand. Howard said they asked if he would lick Captain Janks' balls. He would do it for 10 grand.
Richard would not lick horse jizz but for 10 grand he would. Howard said maybe they should do that instead of Sal. Gary said it's all about the money. Howard said Richard would lick a puddle in the city. Howard said some little girl died from jumping in water that had some amoeba in it. Howard said Richard would get something from that water.
Howard asked how long this shirt Richard has on has been worn. Richard said he just changed it today. He said sometimes he sweats on people on the subway sometimes. He said he'll lean on the bar and he'll drip on people on the seats. He said it gets on their newspaper sometimes. He said they get really mad.
Sal said he was on vacation once and they were on the road doing shows and he went to brush his teeth. He said Richard asked why he was brushing them if they were on vacation. He said he's gross like that. Howard said he went to the dentist recently and he had no bleeding from the gums at all. Richard said he's been taking care of them better since they came to Sirius and he got some dental coverage. Richard said he flosses every night now. He brushes too.
Howard said he has to read the Larry King column to Robin. He said maybe they'll come up with some money. Howard said they have to come up with 10 grand for the horse jizz. Howard said he'll lick the cheese off his foreskin for 6 grand. Howard said he's so disgusting.
Howard said he heard Richard cut his thumb a couple of months ago and it got infected from his guinea pig's shit. Richard thought about it and said that did happen. He said he cut his thumb and then cleaned the cage and his thumb got nasty. He said it eventually went away. He said he put some Neosporin on it. Howard thanked him for the story and said he's had enough disgusting stuff for now.
Howard asked if they have any Richard's Dad stuff. Richard said they should. He said his dad is all worked up over the Chiefs winning.
Howard played a clip of a reporter saying ''Pissburgh'' instead of Pittsburgh. He thought that was pretty good. Howard said he has some other clips from people saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and things like that. He had a clip of a woman talking gibberish on the air. Howard said she may have been speaking in tongues.
Howard said he has Sour Shoes singing ''99 Trampolines.'' Howard said when the hurricane was going on he was calling the voicemail as Gary and leaving messages. He was singing about Gary and his trampoline. Howard played a voicemail where Sour Shoes was talking about the hurricane and how it was a category noine. Howard said this goes on for about a half hour. Howard said Sal gets the calls. Sal said he loves them.
Howard said Sour never takes a vacation. He said he kept calling the hurricane ''Hermoine'' instead of Hermine. Howard played some clips of Sour Shoes doing that.
Howard said they have to have Sour sit in as producer again soon. Howard said they might have a job for him at Burger King. Howard played Sour singing ''99 Trampolines.''
Howard said he has a bunch of Robin song parodies too. Howard played some of the new ones they've gotten. Howard said he was talking to someone about smelly pussy the other day. He said he doesn't even remember who it was.
Howard had a clip of Wendy the Slow Adult leaving a message for them after she got upset about something to do with a GoFundMe thing that was going on.
Howard said Wendy is tough. He said he feels for her mom. Howard said Wendy is in her 40s. Howard played another clip of Wendy freaking out and going off on someone saying that she's going to kill them. Howard said he could probably throw money at the situation. He said they have those calls coming in every day. Howard said he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read first.
Howard came back and said Foghat was good but they get goofed on. Howard said he doesn't think people think they were great. They say it with a smirk. Howard said they were good though. Howard said before they get to news he had a few things to talk about. He said he has that Larry King thing. He said he scarfed down some food and he's paying for it now. He'd just belched.
Howard said imagine you want to be a serious journalist. Howard said they made a story about Beyonce sneezing. He said only on Entertainment Tonight can they make it into something big. Howard played a clip of them reporting on her sneezing during a show. Howard said she's the only one reporting on it. He said it's nuts that they made that into a story.
Howard said it has to be a shit job working on Entertainment Tonight. He said they must feel like shit after doing things like that. Howard did a report about Beyonce blinking.
Howard said in Toronto they had a baboon on a show and the baboon wasn't cooperating and the host was calling it a cock sucker. Howard said this was a very real moment. He said he hates it because that's what a baboon does. Howard played the clip and the baboon wasn't doing what the trainer wanted so the guy mumbled ''fuck you cock sucker'' under his breath. Howard said it was supposed to ride a horse. JD said he thinks that's what it was. Howard said the guy called the lion a fudge packer.
Howard asked JD where he was when he called for him. JD said he was cutting stuff up and working. Howard said it sounds like someone messed with his microphone. He said he sounds different.
Howard said in Charlotte they have a TV station where people can watch through the store front and a car drove through it. Howard played the clip and you can hear the car drive through the front window. Howard said there they can use the word cock sucker. Howard said he always thought about that and how dangerous it is. Howard said he wouldn't want to do that. Howard said they all survived at least. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said it's weird they went from ''what will Richard lick'' to this conversation. The caller said there are some amazing bits there in that segment. Howard said he doesn't have a solution for him. The caller asked him to put him on hold so he can listen to the show.
Howard let the caller go and asked Fred to play some Robin music. Fred played a Little Mikey song parody for her. Howard said he wanted to say on Page Six they had a story about Larry King's wife sending a tweet to herself on Larry's Twitter account. Howard said they claim that Shawn King had a year long affair and then she comes home and puts a note on his Twitter and replied to her own tweet with a love message. Howard read the story and they say that Larry doesn't even know about how to use his own Twitter account. Howard said that's what happens when you get too old. Howard said he and Robin are about 20 years away from that happening to them.
Howard said they say that Larry doesn't even know what an emoji is. Howard said they have an assistant who helps him out. Howard said Larry claims he sent the note to his assistant to post. Howard read that Larry is afraid of being alone so he's staying with his wife even after the alleged affair. Howard said he loves Larry. He said he might be getting Karmic payback for things he did in his life.
Howard read some tweets from Larry's account. He said he would never want to sell women's shoes. He asked why he can't remember his own dreams. Howard read a bunch of things Larry tweeted about. He tweeted about the weather being the best in October and things like that. Howard said he might have to follow him on Twitter.
Howard said he could probably write a few of these things. Howard said he could tweet about staring at the computer hurting his neck and things like that. Howard read some of Larry's wacky thoughts. He made up some of his own too. One was about how Larry doesn't taste any grape in grapefruit. Howard said he could write these things all day. Howard said Larry has 2.7 million followers. He said maybe he should do that with his account and just state the obvious. He said he's going to tweet right now. He got his phone and wrote the first thing that came to his mind. He asked what his hashtag should be. He said he needs one. Howard wrote ''I have to take a doody. #forwhatitsworth''
Howard said he's almost retarded when he tweets. Robin said he's almost Larry King. Howard said he will be up to 2 million people in no time. Howard said he's going to tweet it out again. He sent out a bunch more without the hashtag. He said he should do it so that hashtag comes up every time. Howard said he can tweet like Larry King no problem. He sent out a bunch and said you should see what's happening there. Robin ran out to get her phone to see what was going on. Howard said he might do this the rest of the show. Fred played some music while Howard did his tweeting. Howard said he's tweeted 9 times now. Robin was trying to check the tweets but she wasn't finding them. Robin found them and read them back. He wrote things like ''I like living on earth.'' Howard said read this next one. He wrote one that said ''The moon controls the waves'' and ''Today is Tuesday.'' Howard said he's going to tweet ''Lunch is soon.'' He said he just had that thought.
Howard said he doesn't have his hashtag though. Jason said some people think his account has been hacked. Howard had Jason read them back to him so he knows how many he has. Jason read them back and he had tweeted 13 times. Howard said he's working on more. He asked how many times Larry does it every day. He wants to beat him. Gary said Larry had 23 yesterday. Howard said he's going to beat Larry right now. He said he'll tweet more. Howard wrote ''Months are shorter than years.'' Howard said he has to get someone to tweet for him like Larry does. Howard said maybe he'll write Mermaids are real. Howard said maybe he should ask why leap year is only every 4 years. Howard sent one out and asked Robin how long it took to get. Robin liked Howard's ''I have 10 toes.'' Howard did another one for her and asked how long it took her to get it. ''My favorite letter is J'' was one. Robin didn't get it right away. Robin said it's her phone. Howard said it's not the phone. He said everyone else is getting them. Robin finally got it. Howard said he just tweeted again. Robin found it a short time later. It was ''There's blood inside my body.'' Robin got it seconds later. Robin said the responses are funny. Robin said the fans think his account is hacked or he's just not being funny. Howard said they're not meant to be funny. He said they're just his thoughts. Howard said he could do that all day.
Robin read a story about coach Jim Harbaugh denying eating a booger on the sidelines. Robin said he claims he didn't eat a booger. Robin said he claims he rubbed his nose and then put his finger near his mouth.
Howard took a call from the Bobcat who was in the car. It was one of the guys doing a Bobcat Goldthwait impression. Howard let him go a short time after taking the call.
Robin read a story about the people out on the street who are body painted in Times Square. Robin said that one of the women got into a fight with a 70 year old man. She punched the guy. the woman was arrested. Robin said the guy was snapping photos of her without paying so she got upset. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he can't believe 2.5 million people want to read Larry King's thoughts. He said he wrote ''Do blind people see in their dreams.'' Howard said people like it. Jason said that Howard gets more likes on his tweets than Larry does. He said that he's beating him there.
Robin read a story about John Hinckley being seen shopping at Kohl's. Robin said that he's out of jail and out shopping now. Howard said he's easy about 280 pounds or so.
Robin read a story about an aircraft carrier where a sailor went to the clinic and she delivered a 7 pound baby girl 9 hours later. She didn't know she was pregnant before that. Robin said they're doing fine. Howard read more of Larry King's tweets. Howard said he might respond to some of those.
Robin read a story about Burger King having a Cheetos Fries coming soon. Robin read about some other items they have coming out. Howard asked if anyone has tried them yet. Jason said he wants to. He hasn't tried them yet.
Robin read a story about some dolphins that people noticed were having a conversation. Robin said scientists say that it was like a conversation between two people. Howard said of course they do. Howard said we assume we're the only ones who have anything going on. Howard said tomorrow's show will be in all dolphin.
Robin read a story about last month being the hottest August since record keeping began in the 1880s. Robin said they say that it was also the 11th consecutive month that the average temperature record was broken.
Howard took a call from a guy who congratulated him on finally using social media. The caller said he was wondering why they don't do TV commercials and stuff. Howard said they do. The caller said it would be funny to see Howard and Robin in the back seat of a car with Ronnie driving or something. Howard said they'll shoot that today. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the NCAA pulling some events out of North Carolina because of their laws about LGBT bathrooms.
Robin read a story about a judge who asked a woman in a rape case why she wasn't able to keep her knees together. Robin said she was raped over a sink. Robin said the judge asked her that during the case. Robin asked if men are that insensitive. Howard said he just tweeted again during that story. He wrote ''There's no such thing as a talking dog.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to comment on the blind people seeing in their dreams. He said they most certainly can. He said his wife is legally blind and she can see in her dreams. Howard said he wants to know from someone who has been blind their whole life. Howard said she's seen so she has some reference. Howard said they're debating a Larry King tweet right now. Howard said he didn't give a shit about that, Larry did.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's complaining about bad phone connections but JD and Gary have awful sounding microphones. Howard said he purposely set it that way because it's funny to him. Howard said the audience would think they were in the same room with him. He said this is their way of knowing. Howard said Gary does sound extra muffled now though. He said JD sounded different. Gary asked Howard if he sounds better now. He did and so did JD.
Robin read a story about the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 and how they're getting worse. Robin said they're blowing up. Robin said their stock dropped 14 percent the other day. Robin said some phones are blowing up and burning people. Robin said the Note 7 may have to be pulled from the market. Robin said it's a huge black eye to Samsung. Howard asked how this even happens. Robin said they must have been going for longer life with the battery and it didn't work. Robin said one Jeep caught on fire because of one of these phones.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton only having a 4 point lead over Trump in a poll that was taken. Howard said she was way higher than that a few weeks ago. Howard asked if people change their minds that quickly. Robin read about how Hillary is doing after being diagnosed with pneumonia. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Anthony Weiner and that got Howard going off on him. Howard said that guy is so screwed up. Benjy said he has something so great to talk about. He said he wants to know who was watching the kid. Howard said Benjy has something going on. Howard said they're claiming they have something. Benjy wrote Howard a note about something and Howard told him no one cares about that.
Robin went through a couple more stories and wrapped up. Howard ended the show around 11:10am.'
Howard started the show asking Robin if she's on Twitter tweeting about children with high blood pressure. He said he was an internet sensation with his tweets yesterday. He said the NY Post reported his account had been hacked. He said they quickly figured out what was going on. Howard said he tweeted once this morning too. He said he had a bunch yesterday. He asked Jason how many he did. He said he did like 20 in a row after the show. He said he had a bunch. He said Robin might want to read them.
Howard said a guy wrote him and said he was ripping off Larry King. He said way to catch on Homer. Robin said way to be up to date. Robin said she figured he'd take this right over. Howard said people say his are better than Larry's. He said this morning he tweeted ''Is there any better feeling than cleaning your ears?''
Robin read some of the tweets from yesterday. She read one that said ''There's blood in my body.'' Howard said he did that during the show. Howard said around 6 last night he did a bunch more. Howard said he's trying to figure out how to tweet and not come in there. Robin read more of Howard's tweets from last night. He had a bunch like ''Phones should not explode.'' Robin said he had one that said ''Why are there no cat days of summer?'' There was also ''If you see something say something.'' Robin went through a bunch. Howard said someone wrote to him about ''Why doesn't water have a taste'' and said water does have a taste. He said he told him to shut the fuck up.
Robin said he asked ''Why is it called a cup of Joe?'' Howard said a woman wrote to him with a detailed explanation of that. Howard said she didn't get the idea of the tweets. Howard wrote ''Never ask a woman if she's pregnant.'' Howard said he liked ''Chairs do provide a good service.'' Robin said he wrote ''I've never heard the wind cry Mary.'' Robin said the terrible one is ''Farts are like a movie trailer for shits.'' Howard said that one people really liked. Howard said they really are like a movie trailer. Howard said people wanted him to be dirty so he got dirty with that one.
Benjy asked if he was looking at his balls when he wrote the one about his balls. Howard said he was. He said he was watching porn last night and this mother just married some dude. The guy bought some matching outfits for the daughter and mother. He said the son is coming to meet the step mother. Howard said she's talking to the husband and they have the matching 4th of July outfits. Howard said the daughter comes home and she's practically naked. Howard said she meets the step brother and it turns out they've already hooked up. Howard said she wants to blow him but he says no way now that he's her sister. Howard said she starts blowing him and he sees the guy's balls and wrote that balls are never attractive.
Howard said he watches a lot of porn. Howard said the real Larry King wrote ''I love you too Howard.'' He thought that was fun. Howard said he's on to a good thing. He said he never thought about tweeting out his every though.
Howard asked Jason who had more tweets yesterday. Jason said Howard had 35 and Larry had 23 the day before. He said he hasn't counted Larry's from yesterday yet. Jason said he only did 3 yesterday. Howard said he is having problems with the wife so that might distract him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said those tweets were the funniest things yesterday. He said he couldn't stop laughing about the ISIS thing he wrote. He said he laughed for an hour. Howard said he was going to tweet ''Why are they called balls when they're not perfectly round?'' He said he went with the ugly balls tweet instead.
Howard read some tweets from Larry King. He had some stuff about ice cream cake and how he never learned to roller skate. Howard said it's very odd what he posts but he is on to something. Howard said it finally gave him something to do on Twitter. Howard said Larry is deathly afraid of over sized towels. Robin said she loves them.
Howard said Larry asked if men wear turtlenecks anymore. Howard said not really. He said he looked good in a turtleneck though. Howard said that was his look for a while. He said now he has an actual turtle neck.
Howard asked why he'd be afraid of towels. Howard said he's afraid of the strap on his man bag. He said maybe he'll tweet that. Howard said it hangs so low that he almost trips on it. He said he will probably die from that. He said he has a John Varvatos bag and his mom points out that it's a bag. He said that he tells her that it's his briefcase. Howard said his dad asks how heavy it is. He said he let him pick it up and it was heavy so he let out a grunt.
Howard said he has had his dog's name tattooed on his arm for a long time now. Howard said his mother has seen it a million times and she acts like she's seeing it for the first time every time. Howard said he checks himself in the mirror before going to visit his parents.
Howard read a couple more Larry King tweets. He came up with one that is going to make Larry nuts. Howard wrote ''The boner contains no bone.'' Robin said people will love that one. Howard said he wishes the hashtag could just come up. It did. Howard said it won't let him scroll up. He said he hates tweeting. Howard said he won't do anymore during the show unless they're in commercial.
Howard said his mother asked ''What's that'' when she saw his tattoo. Howard said she's seen it a million times. Howard said he told her what it was and she said ''Feh!'' Howard said he doesn't want to go there. She doesn't need to be his parent anymore. He said she says she doesn't like that. He said she does that every time. Howard said he told her she has a lot of opinions. He said his dad can't hear any of this. He said he told his mother she says this every time. He said she doesn't believe in putting things on the body. Howard said he showed her another tattoo. He said his father sees something is going on and asks what that is. Howard asked if he wanted to get a tattoo with him. Howard said his mother said ''Your father doesn't want a tattoo.'' Howard said it's like he'd actually take him.
Howard said he goes over to talk to his parents and they critique him. Howard said his father asked what he weighs. He said they push him out the door so they can go to dinner and they're talking about how he's too thin. Howard said it's like ''fuck me in the ass.'' Howard said he's judged all the time. He said there's scoring going on in his parents house. He said it's constant scrutiny. It's the same thing over and over.
Howard said his parents like to go to Bagel Boss. He said he asks them about that and his father likes the herring there. He said his father gets the herring with the bagel. Howard said his mother says they put too much sauce on it so he has to fish around for the herring. Howard said he asks why he gets it then. He said it's crazy. Howard said he asked his mom what she gets. She gets the egg salad. Howard did impressions of his parents talking about what they get and how much coffee they drink.
Howard said his parents don't eat with him because there's too much commotion around him. He said he was ready to pass out while he was with them. Howard said his mother asked if he wanted to eat some nuts. Howard said it's unbelievable.
Howard said his mother started in with soap because of this NY Times article. Howard said Beth got them some soap and his mother was complaining about it. He said his mother told him his father read the article that said the anti-bacterial soaps have a chemical in them that can affect the eyes. Howard said his father had the article and asked if he wanted to read it. Howard said he told them he didn't read it until night time. Howard said his dad went to get it. He said his dad gets really loud and gets agitated because he has to get the article. Howard said his dad asked if he uses the brand in the article. Howard said then it became a whole discussion about what brand he uses.
Howard said he's glad there is conversation. He said they have to live forever because he doesn't want to plan their funeral. Howard said he wants to throw them in a garbage pail. He said his dad gave him an envelope years ago with their grave plots in it. Howard said it may not even exist now.
Howard said his parents through out all of their soap. He said he told them he uses a Dove soap because it has nothing in it. Howard said he does that to get her approval. He said that's what they use. Howard said he's going to bury them with their soap. He said he really doesn't want them to die. Howard said he's not sure what he'd say at the funeral. He said his sister won't speak there. He has to do it.
Howard said he's not sure who is left to go to their funeral. Howard said Bobo might show up. Robin said he would be right there. Howard said he'll just re-work the Joan Rivers eulogy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said those tweets are really funny. He said he has to keep going with them. The caller said he's had him rolling over the past few months a bunch of times. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard said he tweeted that he has 10 toes. Howard said Larry tweeted that the best peanut butter is crunchy. Howard said that's true. He wishes he had tweeted that himself.
Howard said Larry wrote that you shouldn't try to talk to teenagers when they're on their iPhones. Howard read some of Larry's tweets and he has to tweet something out himself. He said he has to come up with something like ''Carpet is best when it's soft.'' Robin said no. Howard wrote ''Thank goodness for refrigerators.'' He said maybe it should be ''refrigeration'' instead. Robin said okay to that. Howard said Larry just tweeted out ''Bullies are the worst.'' Howard said Larry is on a roll. He said he's beating him now. Howard said he's not thrilled with his hashtag of ''ForWhatItsWorth.'' He said he has to come up with something else.
Howard said he should have ''My3Cents'' instead of My2Cents. Howard asked Robin if he should tweet ''What do you call male Ladybugs?'' Howard said maybe he can write ''I miss video stores.'' Howard said he really doesn't miss them. He said that's something Larry might say. Howard said he's doing it anyway.
Howard wrote ''Do worms dream?'' Robin said she likes it because it's bizarre. Howard said he thinks ''Socks before shoes'' is good so he tweeted that out too. Howard said he thinks he got more followers yesterday. Robin said he probably did.
Robin said she watched Dancing with the Stars with the little person. She said they should have gotten a little kid to dance with her. Howard said that wouldn't be good. Robin said if she was the male partner she'd be throwing her in the air and that's what happened pretty much.
Howard asked if ''Teeth are perfect for chewing'' is good. Howard said he thinks people will like that. Robin said they are. Howard said they really are perfect for chewing. Howard said one more and he's done. He wrote ''Are Russians in a rush?'' Howard said think about it. He said Larry will love that.
Howard said Larry wrote that he hasn't been bitten by a mosquito in 20 years. Howard said Larry wrote that one of the greatest stage names in history was ZaSu Pitts.
Howard said he's going to tweet after the show. He came up with a new one though. He wrote ''We call shorts ''shorts'' so why not call pants ''longs.'' Howard sent that out before someone takes it.
Howard said Jason spoke to the Twitter people and they said Howard is a visionary. Jason said his numbers are off the charts and they did call him a visionary.
Howard read more of Larry's tweets and said he has to answer his stuff. Howard wrote ''I can't remember being a baby.'' Howard said he wants to spark some dialog so he added ''What about you?''
Howard said he hates Twitter. He said he loves competing with Larry King though. Howard asked what happens if he doesn't put the hashtag. Robin didn't know. Howard said he can't tweet on the air. He said it's too hard. He said the hashtag went in the middle of his sentence.
Howard read more of Larry's stuff and he got serious with something so Howard was going to do that. He said no one wants to read that in the morning. He wrote ''I've always admired tap dancers'' and said he's had enough of this tweeting. Howard said they could have a TV show where they have him and Larry tweeting in a competition. Howard said Larry wrote ''Where did the term It's a lot of baloney'' come from?'' Howard said he has to respond. Howard said he'll do these later. He said he could do this for four hours.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is hilarious. He said the tweets come in first and then the radio show catches up. He said it's really funny stuff. Howard said he shouldn't be doing this during the show though. Howard said he is multi-platforming though. The caller said he's getting out to the millenials. The caller said he is the King of All Media.
Howard said Larry asked how many car models there are. Robin said Larry wrote a book out of his tweets so Howard can do that too. Howard said that's right.
Howard said Larry wrote that if he could live in a cartoon it would be the Jetsons. Howard said he has to write one. He wrote ''Jazz is boring.'' He said that will get people going. Howard said that's it. He said he'll try later with more.
The caller said he's been listening to the show since he was in military school. Howard said he wishes he had gone to Military school. Robin said that's a tweet. Howard said he has a better one. He said ''Onions. Never been a fan.'' Howard said he might have to publish a book of his tweets.
Howard asked what they teach in military school. The caller said they have you doing things like they do in the military. Howard said he wouldn't be interested in that. Howard said he has friends who have been in Afghanistan and places like that. He said they have some useful skills. The caller said they do teach them to shoot and things like that.
Howard asked if they have the purple heart and things like that in military school. The caller said they don't do that but it is run like the military.
The caller said they were 6 guys to a room for a while and then you get 2 guys per room. He said one year they had a ''phantom faggot'' going around. He said he was going around feeling up dudes in the middle of the night. He said they found out who it was and they got rid of him. The caller said the guy went to the shower room and they didn't want him hanging around there. Howard tweeted out about the ''phantom faggot.''
Howard said he thinks he's had enough of that story. He cut the guy off. The caller said he doesn't have Twitter but he does enjoy Howard's tweets.
Howard let the caller go and said he should take a break. He said he's been on for 46 minutes without a break. He said he's not good at planning that. He said he'd like to be commercial free. He said he hates taking breaks. Howard said he has a problem with it. He's not sure if it's losing a connection with the audience or what. Howard said he knows it's a money making business. Howard said they might be the only ones making any dough for the company. Howard said he hears from so many people who get offered a show there. They're just random people.
Howard said he meets these people who are going to do a show there and he knows they're not getting any money. He said he makes money but no one is going to pay to hear these people. Howard said they just assume you'll get paid a lot of money. Howard said they're the only show that makes any money. He said he thinks Mad Dog makes good money. He said Eminem isn't even making money. He said he doesn't even show up there. Howard said you never see the guy there.
Howard said they paid Oprah but that was an XM deal. Robin said Maya Angelou had a deal there too. Howard said no one was listening to that. He said that maybe the phantom faggot was listening.
Gary came in with a list of people who have had shows there. Howard asked if Gary knows the people on the list. Howard read that Bodi Miller had a show there. Howard said he's all for people having a show there but they have to bring in some subscribers. Howard said they figured that no one has the number of fans they do who are willing to subscribe. Howard asked what Bodi Miller can add to the service. Howard said Martha Stewart had her daughter Alexis on. Howard said she had a show called ''Whatever.'' Howard said Vincent Pastore had a show there too. Gary said it was the Wise Guy show. Howard said he thinks they thought they were going to make a lot of money there. Gary said Martha made a lot of money. Howard said she did but not the daughter. Howard said mom got paid.
Howard wondered what Jenny McCarthy is getting paid. Howard said George Carlin's daughter worked there. Howard said there are a lot of interesting people. Howard said he thinks they offered the woman who cleaned up Beetlejuice's shit a show. Howard said he's looking for people who can bring in subscribers. He said that's what he wants. Howard said the people do love the music channels with no commercials. Howard said that's why the subscriptions are up. Howard said he plays the music in his house and people love it. Howard said they're always putting on new channels too.
Howard said he was all tweeted out but he started coming up with more. Howard said he can come up with them and Jason can type them. Howard said he doesn't want to give Jason his password though. He said he might have a falling out. Robin said they don't want him tweeting out during the show. Howard said Larry just tweeted ''If I were younger I'd try bobsledding.'' Howard said he has to answer that one. Howard wrote ''Who invented Pepto Bismol?'' Howard said that's pretty good. Howard wondered if Larry ever tweets two thoughts in one.
Howard read more of Larry's stuff and he had one about not being able to tell the difference between salt and pepper shakers. Howard said he has to tweet more. He wrote ''Pluto is my favorite planet.'' Howard said it's not really but he's just winging it. He didn't like that one but he's doing it anyway. Howard said he just got that one out.
Howard said Larry said he can't wait for the return of the Lincoln Continental. Howard wrote ''How high is the sky? with the hashtag ''EatMyCockCheese.'' Howard also wrote ''Nothing better than buttered bread.'' Howard said he'll keep Larry busy with that. Howard said Larry's are the best. He read one about a song Larry had stuck in his head. He asked Fred to find it. It was the song ''La Vie en Rose.'' Fred played it and Howard asked if this is really in Larry's head. Howard said he should tweet that there is no one else in this world that has that song in their head.
Howard took a call from a guy who wasn't there so Howard gave up. He asked if the phones aren't working. He went to break after that.
Howard read some of the stuff Robin has tweeted about. Robin had one about hair pieces making men more attractive and Benjy perked up to that one. Howard said Robin might get her own medical show. He asked if she'd like that. Robin said sure. Howard said she could open up with a story about sprained ankles and she can tease the Bonobos monkey and never get to it.
Howard said Donald Trump is on the phone. He took the call from fake Donald. Donald said Dr. Oz spent a lot of time examining him the other day. He said he would have gone to Robin. Howard said it's an honor to have him on the phone. Donald said it is a privilege to have him on.
Howard said he doesn't know why he wants to be president. Donald said he has an app that keeps track of his poll numbers at any time. He demonstrated that app by saying some crazy stuff. He said the numbers keep going up in the app.
Howard said Hillary Clinton says that Donald doesn't have the temperament to be President. Donald told Howard to shut up. Howard asked how his health is. Donald said his doctor says he's very healthy.
Howard asked if he's flip flopping on deporting illegal immigrants. Donald said he is preparing a catapult to get people back to Mexico. He said he's going to send every rapist to Mexico too. He said they'll link them together like Lego so they can all rape each other.
Howard asked if Donald is kicking Mexicans out or not. Donald said when he's done he'll be wondering where the Mexicans are. He said it won't be a problem. He said it'll be like homeless people when Giuliani was Mayor.
Howard asked fake Donald if he thinks black is beautiful. Donald said just look at Ronnie's toilet. He said the blacks dunk our basketballs and things like that. He said he loves the blacks like they love watermelon. Howard said Donald is ahead in the polls so maybe that app is working. Donald said he never wanted to be president. He said he just wants to make his Trump products. He said he has a Trump table made out of a bent up Mexican.
Howard said he really spelled things out for him. Donald said he has a great tweet for him. He said he can write ''Dogs make great pets.'' Howard said that is a good one.
Donald said he has a vestigial twin in his stomach so if you vote for him it's like getting two people. Howard said he had no idea he was going to catapult people back into Mexico. Trump said they're going to paint a huge target in Mexico to aim for. Howard wrapped up with fake Trump a short time later. He said he has that app that shows he can say anything and his numbers keep going up. Howard said he thought it was telling when he told him to shut up when he said he didn't have the temperament to be President. Howard asked if he said his doctor was the 5th member of Steely Dan. Robin said he did and Howard let it go. Howard said he should have gotten on that.
Robin said she doesn't really like watermelon. Howard wondered where that one came from. He said he knows a lot of white people who like it.
Howard said the other night some of the staff went to Dos Caminos for dinner. Howard said they rolled out the red carpet for the guys. Howard said it was people like Jason and Jon Hein. Howard said it was a lot of the guys behind the scenes. Howard said he won't go to get to know the guys. Robin said she'd like to. Howard said Dos Caminos was really great to the guys so he wanted to mention that.
Howard said Sal and Will got drunk and Sal embarrassed himself. He said he was roasting his fellow co-workers. He said he was making fun of Jon Hein's sweaty tits. He said Will was drinking Margaritas and he came home blasted. His wife didn't let him near the kids. Howard said she's right for doing that. Jason said Will was drunk like the second they got in the place. Howard said he's been going to Dos Caminos for years. He said it's really good. Jason agreed.
Howard asked what Sal was thinking. He asked if he thinks he's the life of the party. Jason said he is. He said he roasts everyone while other people are saying heartfelt things. He said Sal is the emcee wherever he goes. Fred played a clip of Sal saying he's a turtle. Howard said he heard Sal told the black employees there to leave the room so he could do racist material. Jason said that was a joke he told. Jason said they love Sal but it's funny how he acts like they hired him to take over the room.
Robin said it sounds like Will is like the guy who just got out of jail. Howard said he has two kids and a wife now and he's a great advertisement for never getting married. Howard said he's like tortured. Sal came in and said Will is a scary guy when he's drunk. He said you want to cross the street when you see him drunk. Will was in too and said he's going to hit it hard when he goes out.
Sal said he and Will drank the same amount and they were both drunk. He said they had a couple of Margaritas and a few beers. Sal said he doesn't drink much now. He said he gets drunk easily. Will said he only had one or two and they crept up on him. He said they stopped at a bar to do a shot on the way there too. Sal said he passed on that. Howard asked if Sal got lost on the way home. Sal said he doesn't remember how he got home. Sal said he didn't tell anyone to leave the room either.
Howard asked if Sal went to the booths. Sal said he didn't because they closed them down. He said one time his wife fell asleep waiting for the train and he ran up to a booth to beat one out. Howard said his wife is so beautiful and he's doing that. Sal said it's not cheating. Howard asked if they're movies or live girls. Sal said this one was movies. He said that was about 14 years ago that he did that.
Howard said there is someone out there investing in this kind of stuff for guys to jerk off. Howard said that guy is the Steve Jobs of hand jobs. Howard said maybe all men should be investing in places like that. Howard asked if it was a TV in the booth. Sal said it's a TV with about 200 channels on it. He said there is every thing you can think of on there. He said it's fascinating to see some of the stuff. He said he accidentally came to two guys banging. He said he changed the channel and he ran across this doctor fucking a guy in the ass and the guy was so feminine that he came. He said he likes to change it and surprise himself. Sal said he finished and the guy turns around and you see it's a guy.
Sal said one time he went into a both called a buddy booth. He said they have plastic sheets covering one room to the other. He said he was in there jerking off and the other guy watched him doing it. He said there was a guy there jerking off next to him. Sal said he didn't know it was a gay buddy booth.
Howard said you'd think Sal would know not to go there. Sal said the places are packed like a shopping mall. Will said one time Sal picked up a phone to talk to a girl at a booth and he got jizz on his face. Will said one time Sal asked a girl what she thought of his penis and she said ''Eh, I've seen better.''
Gary said a few weeks ago Sal was talking about his first time there at a booth and he was 14 years old. He said Sal was so happy telling the story. He said from that day forward the booths fascinated him. Howard asked if he keeps his pants up and pushes his underwear down. Sal said you get five singles from the cashier and he keeps one to change the channels so you don't touch the TV. Howard asked if the booth stinks. Sal said it smells like ammonia and shit. Sal said you just go on the floor. He said there's a mop boy there to take care of it. Howard said he's going to puke. Sal said there's one Mexican guy there who helps you out. He said he'll grab you and tell you not to go in yet.
Sal said he'd get napkins from Sbarro to clean his penis off with. Howard said he's going to puke. Howard said people bad mouth the Mexicans but they're willing to clean up the jizz like that.
Howard said Sal's wife says Sal is a mean drunk. Sal said he can be mean to her. He said he stopped drinking for his wife. He said he didn't drink for 4 years. Howard said he drank at Dos Caminos though. Sal said he did. Jason said he drank at the Yankee game too. Sal said he's had drinks at like 3 places in the past few years. Sal said he sometimes drinks until he blacks out.
Sal mentioned that Brent was at a comedy show he did. Brent came in and said he's worried about Sal drinking that much that he blacks out. Howard asked Will if he drinks that much. Will said no. Howard asked if the show was good. Brent said not really. Will said they have tape of Sal blacking out. He said they have it all. Howard said that's good tape. Sal said he does it for the show. He said his wife was with him there. Brent said Sal's wife pulled him to the side. He said he was the sober one there. He said she pulled him aside and spoke to him looking down like she was embarrassed. Sal said he's a good husband but they all make mistakes. Howard asked him to repeat that. Sal said he and his wife love each other. He said that they're good together. Howard said she doesn't live him. she's just putting up with him because he's the father of her children.
Sal said he knows it's bad but he's been good the past 3 years. Howard asked when he blacked out. Brent said they did 2 shows and he blacked out in between the shows. Howard said he's like Sam Kinison. Howard said Sam would do a great show and then he'd do whatever and do the second show blacked out. Brent said that they drink so much and they have dead eyes like a zombie. Howard asked if Sal made any jokes. Brent said no. Will said the word is that Ronnie wanted to kill Sal. Sal said Ronnie and Shuli saved the show.
Brent said Ronnie was out of control but next to Sal he looked like he was under control. JD came in and said Sal was on stage just moaning into the microphone. Howard said yesterday Ronnie said he had a cold. He said he was over it but this morning he can barely talk.
Jason said Sal was so drunk that it affected the staff the next day. He said he paid everyone and he overpaid them. He said he was asking for money back. Sal said it wasn't for him though. Sal said the first show was good. He said that it went well until the second one. Sal said he called the club owner and found out he paid everyone already.
Howard said Sal told a woman to slap her right cunt lip on a piece of lettuce. Ronnie came in and said that he was a little pissed at Sal. Ronnie said Sal was saying things he shouldn't be saying. He was blacked out and didn't know what the fuck he was doing. He said at one point he almost fell on a table. Brent said he had to restrain him like 30 times that night. JD said he was having major anxiety from that. He said it was from Sal. He said he knew the second show was going to be a mess and he was nervous the whole time.
Sal said he wasn't out of control in a loud way. He said he was sitting on a chair. Howard said he heard he was doing racist material. Sal said he just said there was a black guy there so there goes his act. Sal said he brought Mariann from Brooklyn up on stage too.
Gary said Shuli is pissed because he had to do all of the work to make the show work. Then he got shorted money. Sal said he's not sure why they let him handle the money. Ronnie said he was making piles of money. He said he had 5 guys there and he'd make piles of money and he'd screw it all up. Ronnie said they had to start all over again. Ronnie said he had to grab it and count it out. Howard asked how he over paid people. Sal said he was under paid. Ronnie said Shuli called him asking if they sold out two shows. They did and that meant what he got paid was short. Sal said he has no idea how he did that. Howard asked why Shuli always has issues with money. Sal said he got shorted by 50 percent. Howard asked how that happens. Sal said the whole night was a mess.
Shuli came in and said he's not sure what to do when he gets paid and his eyes are crossed. He said he'd count out 4 stacks and put one in his pocket and wonder where the money was. He said the whole show was a nightmare for him. Howard asked if he got paid. Shuli said he did. He said Sal figured it out and got him his money.
Howard said Shuli is the guy who used to handle all of that. Shuli said he was but now he's doing solo stuff and he was just helping. He said that night he was really working hard. He said Sal was calling people up on stage and it was barely big enough for the 4 of them.
Howard said they had some great stories from the road. Howard said he'll play the tapes next week. Howard let the guys go after that. Howard said he keeps this shit off the air when they do shows. Howard said he's going to tweet ''How about we get a new staff.''
Howard said he stopped Ronnie from doing his block party shows. Howard said his name gets associated with it. He said now they have ''The Stars Of Satellite'' and it's the same thing. Howard said they're like cockroaches. Howard said he should take a break. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said he sent Emojis to Beth and he wanted to get some dialog going with her. He said she was going to L.A. and he told her he didn't want her to go to L.A. ever again. Howard said she thinks it's negative. Howard said she didn't respond so maybe he sounded needy. Howard said in his mind it was nice that he didn't want her to leave. Howard said he wanted to sext with her. He said she sent a heart breaking Emoji. He said he thought that's the way to get something going so he was going to sext and say he would fuck her right now if she was there. Howard said he wrote that. He said there's a big eggplant Emoji and he put that in there. He said he used that and he got nothing back from her. He said 5 minutes later she asked what he's doing. Howard said she didn't think it made sense. Howard said he explained to her that the eggplant looks like a penis. He said there is no penis Emoji.
Howard said Beth thought he was saying he loves eggplant. He said she thought it was ridiculous so no more Emojis for him.
Howard said he thought he was being romantic. He said he sent her a slice of pizza Emoji. Howard said Beth didn't get that either. He said he likes sex but not sexting. Robin said there's a tweet. Howard got his phone to tweet that out. Howard said they took his phone away. He got his phone back and sent out the tweet. Howard said the hashtag didn't come up. He had to add it. Howard said Rachel Maddow just tweeted. He said he just started following her.
Howard took a call from another guy who asked if he would take any staffers to his parent's funeral. Howard said no way. He said he's an older guy now and he thinks about how his parents dying could ruin his weekend. He said he might have to take time off if they die. Howard said he would rather not take time off because it'll fuck up his schedule. Howard said they owe the company 112 shows a year. He said they don't care how it gets done. Howard said he just wants them to live. Howard said he's not good with family stuff like that. Robin asked if she can come. Howard said she can but that's it. Howard said Robin comes to everything.
The caller asked if Fred would go. Fred said if he was invited he would. Howard said he doesn't want to put Fred out. He said he won't invite any of The Stars of Satellite Radio. Howard said it's just going to be him and a couple of friends of his parents.
The caller asked if they're going to do the video for La Cunte Calda. Howard said probably not. He said they have these ideas they change their minds on.
Howard said he has to take care of everything in the family. He said he does stuff his sister should be doing. He said he's a dude so he shouldn't be involved. Howard said he's not going to have JD at the funeral. Robin said she should have JD speak. Howard said that would be something.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he has his surgery next week. Howard said okay... Jeff said it's on his lump. Howard laughed. Jeff said he has to get three EKGs done. Howard said it's at the taxpayer's expense. Howard said he should end every sentence like that. Howard said he likes that this country has a safety net for this kind of stuff but when people don't take care of themselves it's not good. Howard said we're paying for this stuff. Robin said it's going to take a lot of operations and pills to keep people living as long as our parents lived.
Howard got Jeff's Lump on the phone. The Lump said he's hitting the road and getting out of there. He said he hopes Jeff dies on the table. Howard asked where his lump is. Jeff said it's on his wind pipe. Howard asked The Lump what he's doing there. The Lump said he's just watching Jeff getting free shit from people on Periscope. Jeff said that's not nice.
Howard asked if this is a serious operation. Jeff said the thing is that one of the EKGs came up inconclusive. Howard said he has a clip of a woman praying for Jeff's lump on Periscope. Howard played the clip and the woman was talking about the lump and how she's praying for it. Howard said they called into the show and asked her to pray for the lump. He played more of her praying for The Lump. The Lump said it didn't work.
Howard said that's kind of cool. Howard said she's speaking in tongues in that. The Lump said they should pray that Jeff gets a life. Jeff said he appreciated that phony phone call. The Lump started snoring. Jeff said it was the call about Gene Wilder dying. They played the Jeff the Drunk ''Boring'' clip and The Lump told him to go back to tweeting. Jeff asked if he can redo the phony phone call. Howard said he did it yesterday. Jeff asked him to do it again. The Lump said this is what he's going to miss when he's gone. Jeff told him to shut up. Robin asked if The Lump will still call in. The Lump said of course he will. Jeff said it's actually a cyst. The Lump said they're sticking with lump. Jeff said he never called it a lump. He said it's a bump. The Lump called Jeff a fucking idiot. Jeff said he wants to punch him right in the fucking face. Howard let The Lump go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Jeff what he thinks about Periscope's update. Jeff said it sucks dick. The caller said the print got smaller so Jeff is squinting at the screen now.
Howard had a clip of Jeff selling autographed pictures on Periscope. He said they're $30 or more. Howard asked why he would pay more. Jeff didn't have a good answer for that. Howard let Jeff go after that.
Howard said Beetlejuice, Big Foot get votes. Howard said Angry Alice might be there. Howard said Ass Napkin Ed isn't in the Wack Pack. Howard said Jeff, Medicated Pete and others will be getting a vote. Howard said Nicole Bass might. Gary said he's not sure if she should be there. Howard asked about John the Stutterer. Howard said he wants nothing to do with them lately. Howard said he thinks John wanted to be paid or something. Gary said he thinks it was medical. Robin asked about Wendy. Howard said yes to her. He said Underdog Lady is invited but she'll never come. Howard asked about Siobhan. Gary said he says yes but a lot are saying no. Howard asked about Miss Howard Stern. Gary said he said no to her. Howard said he loves her but no. Howard said Jeff the Vomit Guy is a no. Benjy said he thinks that should be a yes. Jeff said no to that because he's a moron. Howard said Jeff is a moron. Jeff said he's disgusting. Gary said some people think Jeff is disgusting.
Howard said Sour Shoes is in. Howard said Tan Mom might ruin things. Gary said he gives her a big yes. Howard said Medicated Pete is in. Howard said yes to Mark the Bagger. He said Melrose Larry hasn't been around. Howard said Asian Pete is in. Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn shouldn't get a vote. Robin said that would open it up to King of All Blacks. Howard said Mariann is kind of a Wack Packer. Howard said she's too loud and then she gets too quiet if you tell her that. Gary said she's too normal. Howard said she's normal other than that voice. JD said she should be an alternate. Howard said they can do that.
Howard asked if Ham Hands Bill is Wack Pack. Howard said yes. Some of the guys agreed. Howard said Lee Kingsnatch is on the phone and he wants a vote. Lee said he wants to weigh in. He said he wants him to have Asian Pete in. Howard said he's in.
Howard said no to Yucko the Clown. Gary said he can't stand King of All Blacks but he thinks he should be there. Fred said he's not Wack Pack. He said he's a glorified phone caller. Sal said he thinks King should be in. He said he's brutally honest. Howard said he fights with Ronnie and that's funny. Gary said he's delusional. Howard said he irritates Ronnie. Howard said King is out.
Howard asked about Angry Black. Howard said he hasn't been around. Howard asked about Captain Janks. They said they're not sure if he's Wack Pack. Howard said Joey Boots isn't in the Wack Pack. He just hangs out with High Pitch Erik. Howard asked if Daniel Carver is in the Wack Pack. Shuli said he disagrees about Joey. He said he's Wack Pack material. He said he's had a lot of issues. Howard said he doesn't have a voice. Shuli said he went to court for yelling Baba Booey, Howard Stern's penis on camera. He said he thinks Janks should be in too. Brent said he's with that too. He said Janks should be in.
Brent said Janks is Wack Pack for sure. He said Janks was the first person to start calling people saying Baba Booey on shows. Howard said he's a normal voiced guy though. Sal said Janks does prank calls and he knows what he's doing. He told Brent to get out.
Howard and the guys argued about Janks and Boots. Howard said they're too normal. Howard said Janks is too good to be in it. They asked about Bobo. Howard said Bobo is just a bad phone caller. Howard took a call from Bobo who said he was in the Wack Pack years ago. Shuli said he picked his show over his family. Howard said he's just an extreme fan. Sal said Wack Packers don't want to be in the Wack Pack. Bobo said they took him out of it. Sal said he's not in the Wack Pack.
Benjy said that if they're reevaluating then it should be people who are almost in a different species. Sal said Tan Mom won't even know she's there so she's in the Wack Pack. He said that Beetlejuice doesn't know he's there so he's in.
Howard said he's not sure about Ham Hands Bill. Benjy said he loves him but he's not. He said it hurts to say it but if you go by Howard's criteria he's not in it. Robin said he used to call all the time asking celebrities if they like it in the ass. Robin said he's creepy. Brent said he was there doing Leiberman Live once and he tried to lift up the shirt of a female guest.
Howard asked how aware he can be if he's making songs about Robin's dad raping her. Howard said he doesn't think he's in the Wack Pack. He said he's ruling on this now. Jason said Ham Hands is Wack Pack material. He said he's really creepy and he's always sending stuff to them that's really creepy. Howard asked JD if he thinks he is in. JD said yes. Howard asked if Yucko is in. JD said no to him, Angry Black, Gay Ramone, Captain Janks, Joey Boots and Bobo. JD said yes to Daniel Carver. Everyone agreed about Daniel. Howard asked about Evil Dave. Gary and Ronnie said yes to Dave. Howard said he doesn't even know he's funny. Brent said he doesn't even know the English language. Howard asked JD for a final ruling on Dave. JD gave him a yes.
Howard said he says let Dave be himself that day. Gary said yes. He said he'll come with a paper bag full of his own jokes. Shuli said they'll teach the audience a lesson that day. Howard asked about the Iron Sheik. Everyone said no to him. Howard said Bobo is out too.
Howard asked if Bobo has a bad question for him today. Bobo asked how he finds creative inspiration to paint on a canvas. Howard said he has to be kidding. Howard didn't answer that ridiculous question. Howard said he has to play some of his songs. Howard said he has a million of them. Howard played one where the singer calls Bobo a dumb fuck. He had another one where they sing about how dumb Bobo is. Howard said that was from Eli Braden.
Bobo said he was wondering about the painting because if you're in a room it can hold you back. Howard said he takes pictures of what he wants to paint and then brings them home and paints what he took photos of.
Ralph said they need rankings in the Wack Pack. He said Eric the Midget was a General. He said some of them are a mess and some aren't. Howard said it's not that Joey Boots isn't Wack Pack but he's not a 5 star general. Howard said Big Foot is in immediately. Howard said they should only have 5 star people there. He said Beetlejuice is in. Howard said Bobo is a private.
Beetlejuice, Big Foot, Angry Alice, Fred the Elephant Boy, Gary the Conqueror and Jeff the Drunk were all up there. Benjy disagreed with Jeff. He said he's not a 5 star general. Howard said he thinks he is. Howard said Jeff falling in the hall is one of the best pieces of tape they ever got on the show.
Howard said yes to John the Stutterer and Underdog Lady but she'll never show up. Shuli said he may have to bang her but he'll get her there. Howard said Shuli had an interesting conversation with her the other day. He said she's gotten heavy and she wants to lose weight. Shuli said Underdog took in a stray cat and the cat bit her and 6 months later she had to have part of her colon removed because of that cat bite.
Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Underdog about wanting to lose weight. Underdog Lady said she lost 7 pounds once but she gained it back. She said she's going to cut down on sweets now. She also talked about eating sweets from Fiber One. She said that she has to get it in her system. Shuli asked if her bowel movements were too loose. Underdog said she has to get up a lot after sitting at work. She said she has to switch her leg positions often.
Howard said she's eating brownies and trying to lose weight. Ralph said they have fiber in them. Shuli said she told him about going to a Plop Parade and her knee gave out and she fell for real and people thought it was part of her bit. Howard said she really likes Shuli. Shuli said he'll try to get her in there. Howard said Shuli is like the Chris Wallace of the show.
Howard asked if Miss Howard Stern is 5 star. The guys all said no. Howard asked if Jeff the Vomit guy is 5 star. The guys said no. He has just one thing he does and that's the vomit thing. Shuli said he wanted to do an Embedded thing with him. He said he has birds in his house and you hear them on the phone. He said some woman rented him a room and she can't stand him. Shuli said he had to get into that house. He said that he likes to wait outside bars for people to come out and puke. Benjy said he has an interesting speech pattern. Howard said they should take a vote. Robin said all Jeff is going to do is talk about vomiting. Howard said he's got to be in.
Howard said Sour Shoes is 5 star. Benjy said not really. He said he is kind of but not really. The other guys thought he was 5 star. Howard said he lives at home and talks in baby talk. Fred said he used to skate around outside the building back at K-Rock and talk in that baby voice. Howard said he's in.
Howard said Tan Mom is 5 star and she's in. Howard said she'll take over the voting. Howard said she'll come in saying she doesn't know what's going on and she's going to storm out. Robin said she might vomit so that will work. Howard asked Shuli, as Tan Mom, what she's going to do. Shuli did his impression and had her go from being really nice to yelling at Howard to get out of her face.
Howard said Medicated Pete is in. Robin asked about Asian Pete. Howard said Mark the Bagger is in. Howard said Asian Pete is in. Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn isn't 5 star.
Howard asked about Ham Hands Bill. Most of the guys said yes. Benjy said no. Benjy and Ralph both said no to Bill. Howard said Yucko is a no. King of All Blacks is not 5 star. Howard said Ronnie is happy about that. Howard said no to Big Black and Gay Ramone too. Captain Janks got a few votes. Bobo thought they didn't have Fred the Elephant Boy. He missed that conversation. Shuli said he was on the phone and he forgot already. Howard played another Bobo song parody about what a douche he is.
Howard asked about Joey Boots and Bobo again. They were both a no. Howard said yes to Daniel Carver again. Evil Dave was a yes. Howard said Iron Sheik no. Howard asked about JD. He said he's sort of Wack Pack. Howard said Sal is in the Wack Pack and he doesn't know it. JD agreed with Howard on all of that. Howard said that's it to Bobo. Gary said now they're going to get calls from everyone they said no to. Ralph said they are in the Wack Pack but they just don't rank up there.
Benjy said that Miss Howard Stern would be good for this. Howard said no. He said she'll just come in and tell sad stories and not want to be in on the voting. Howard talked to Shuli as Tan Mom for a few more seconds and then wrapped up with Bobo and Ralph. Ralph said he saw a picture of Tan Mom on Howard's computer. Howard said she had sneakers on but she was nude in a tanning booth. Ralph said she looked like a dead body. Gary said that she thinks she's striking her sexiest pose in that picture. Shuli said she was arrested twice at the Airport for going out to smoke and complaining about having to go through security a second time. Howard said she's going to be a major pain in the ass that day. Gary said they'll get people to take care of it.
Howard said they're going to be talking to Marfan Mike and they'll hear her mumbling. Fred played some audio of her mumbling. Howard said he's seeing the calls coming in from people who are pissed off.
Shuli asked if Marfan Mike doesn't get in should the have an alternate. Howard said there's no fucking way he's not letting Marfan Mike not be in the Wack Pack. He said he's in. Howard said Mick the Nerd wasn't on the list. The guys said he's not 5 star.
Howard took a call from Melrose Larry Green who said he is in the Wack Pack. Gary said he was a 5 star general at one time but not now. Larry hung up or lost his connection after that.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Nicole Bass impression so she could complain about not being invited. Howard said she's in the Wack Pack but she's a downer. Sour did a great impression of Nicole's laugh and voice. Sour was playing some audio clip so Howard asked if Gary is there. Sour went into his Gary voice and did that impression for a short time. Sour was talking about music and doing his ''noine'' thing a lot. Howard asked when he's going to clear his throat. Sour was clearing his throat a lot. Gary said he's 100 percent Wack Pack.
Gary said Benjy thinks that Sour can stop doing this stuff. Benjy asked Sour Shoes, Mike, to speak normal for a second. Sour wasn't able to do it. Shuli said he was in a van with him for 5 hours one day and he spoke as Gary for the whole drive. Benjy said Mike told him that he was friends with John Amos. Howard said he is Wack Pack. Benjy said he's incredibly talented but not 5 star. Howard said he is. Sour was playing his keyboard and acting really strange. Howard said Fred Armisen was talking about how great his Gary impression is. Benjy thinks Sour is normal. Then Sour breaks into song and starts acting really weird.
Howard said the gathering will occur on October 4th. Howard said the campaigning will be the week of September 26th. Howard said it's all about Marfan Mike. Shuli had a picture of Marfan Mike and said he defies Howard to say he's not in the Wack Pack. Gary said Mike thinks he looks normal. Sal said his head looks like a foot. Howard said he looks like that swimmer Phelps. Sal said yeah, if he got hit by a garbage truck. Howard asked about Will the Farter. They said he's gifted but not 5 star. Ronnie said he's not even in the army. They went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Howard is still drinking coffee or tea in the morning. Howard said he's not. Howard said he started drinking coffee again about a year ago but he started doing that and he was so happy. He was shot out of a cannon. Howard said a couple of months ago he had this thing going on with his throat. He felt like there was a piece of paper in there. Howard said it was a weird thing. Howard said he got a cold and he stopped drinking the coffee. He waited for the feeling to go away. Then he took 3 sips of coffee and got that feeling again. He said he wants to drink it but he can't. He said he's pissed because he's so tired.
Robin said he can drink tea. Howard said he hates tea. He said he's the one person on the planet who can't drink coffee. Howard said he won't talk to his therapist about it. He said he's too embarrassed about that stuff. He said he doesn't want the guy laughing at him or going home and making fun of him. Howard said he's been going to therapy for 16 years and he's still fucked up.
Howard said any fun he finds he has the life sucked out of. Benjy said there was a study done a few years ago and they say that drinking coffee may halve the chance of getting throat cancer. Howard said maybe it has an effect on him. Howard didn't understand what Benjy was saying when he said it can cut it in half.
The caller asked if they can add JD to the list of Wack Packers. Howard said they can't because he works there. Howard asked the caller if she's cute. She had already hung up. Howard said she probably thought she was talking to Roger Ailes. Howard said that guy really blew it with that job. Howard said he had it made.
Howard said he likes FOX News. He said Chris Wallace is good. He said he's better than his father Mike Wallace. Howard said he's a good interviewer. Howard said it seems like no one cares but him.
Howard said that Gretta Van Susteren quit. Howard asked where she's going to go. Howard said she asked for more money and they didn't give it to her so she left. Howard said she probably left because she was never harassed by Roger Ailes. Howard said he likes her. He said she was pretty intense. Howard did a live commercial read and took a break.
Howard said that he's going to end up having a big lump on his head from the radio waves from the headphones. Chad said he's been near broadcast signals his whole career. Howard said everything here is wired. Howard said there's nothing wireless around him. He said the headphones are wired in. He said even in his house he uses a hard wired phone. Howard said he doesn't want to be on the cell that much. He has WiFi though. He said we're all doomed.
Howard said he loves that Jason is worried about Bluetooth around his head. He said he's huge and his diet is almost all meat.
Jon Hein came in and said that the iPhone 7 comes with wired headphones. He said you have an adapter to plug in. He said you don't have to use the wireless. Howard said he would have freaked out if they couldn't be used. Jon said the wireless stuff works. Howard said his mom can tell when he's on the cell. He said she tells him to call when he gets home. Howard said he just wants to do it while he's stuck in the car for 2 hours.
Howard said he was talking to Jon about ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' earlier. He said Jon hates that it's taking off. Robin said he should have a reaction to it. Howard said they're running out of time but he has a lot of songs and references to it. He said it's insane. He said they have to get to some news.
Fred played Robin into her news with a song from Little Mikey. Howard called him Booby Joel. Robin said she knew it was Mikey. Howard said she's always known him. Robin said she knows his voice.
Robin asked if the Zika virus in Florida is keeping him from going there. Howard said he thinks he'd go. He said he's not so sure. Howard said he's seen some pictures of Zika babies lately. Robin said they are spraying in the Miami Beach area for mosquitos. Howard said he'd like them to bite you and make your penis grow 3 or 4 inches. He said he'd be in a swamp waiting to get bit. Howard said no, it makes your head look like it's been squished in a vice.
Robin read a story about Ryan Lochte being injured on Dancing with the Stars the other night. Robin said he suffered an ankle injury when a couple of people jumped on stage to protest. Howard said he didn't think they got near the guy. Robin said they cut to commercial. Robin said they ran a camera so they did have footage. Howard said they had something cool happen on the show finally and they cut away from it. Howard said the NFL had a guy run on the field the other day and they did a call of what was happening. He played a clip of the guy calling it. Howard said that was better than the game.
Howard said he was surprised that no one ran up on him at America's Got Talent. He said they were on live TV and they had a lot of people around. Howard said his back was to everyone. Howard said he wanted to get rid of the audience. He said they told him they were essential to the show. Howard said he didn't think so. He said people would boo when you'd critique anyone. He said he's glad he got out of that. Four years was enough for him.
Howard said he didn't watch this year. He used to watch before he did the show. He said he went and served and now he has PTSD.
Howard said he once yelled at the audience. He said he told them they're not judges so shut up. He said they don't know their place. Robin said that Rick Perry is bad on Dancing with the Stars. Robin said she liked the little person. Howard said she should get on the bandwagon. Howard said one girl on there is a good dancer and she's desperately seeking the attention of show business. Howard said she used to be on One Tree Hill or something. Howard said he knows her story even though he doesn't know who she is. Howard went over her life story and said she will end up opening a Vinyl store or selling real estate. Howard said now she just wants that mirror ball.
Howard brought up another actress on Dancing with the Stars and he would bet he knows her life too. He said she looks like a million of the girls in Hollywood. Robin said she's very pretty. Howard said those shows never work out. He said you get some attention and then the phone stops ringing.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Beth is over his OCD and hypochondriac ways or does she baby him. Howard said she keeps her distance. She doesn't baby him. Howard said she knows he has a needy black hole inside of him and she knows it. The caller asked if he's constantly a mess. Howard said he is. He let her go a short time later.
Robin brought up some of the other people on Dancing with the Stars and talked about Maureen McCormick. Howard said they're so sad to watch. Howard said Marilou Henner is too. Robin said Florence Henderson looks good. Howard said she does. Howard said she was on the show at one point. Howard said he's going to invite Maureen to the Gathering of the Stupid. Howard said he felt so bad for Marilou Henner on that show. He said show business is rough. He said it's great when you're Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise or Bradley Cooper. He said it's not a pretty sight when you're on Dancing with the Stars.
Robin read a story about Michael Jackson and how a young man is saying he was sexually abused by him. Robin said that the boy would get a call to come visit and Michael would be nice and sweet to the family and then he'd be invited to come on his own. Robin said the boy is trying to sue the family somehow. Howard said you'd think they'd know better when you see a grown man playing with toys. Robin said this kid was only 5 when Jackson was interested. Howard asked where the parents were in the picture. Robin said they parents got a call from Michael's assistant. Howard asked who does that. He said when he was 5 his parents weren't sending him anywhere. Howard said it's mind blowing.
Robin read a story about an assemblyman who shot himself in upstate New York. Robin said he won the election just days after killing himself. Howard said when you lose to a dead guy that's a big embarrassment. Robin said that he was probably going to be brought up on fraud charges so that might be why he killed himself. Howard said most of these guys get off on those charges. Robin said not all of them. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a local news anchor announcing Hillary Clinton dead at the start of a news program. Robin had some audio of the reporter announcing she was dead but it was just her pneumonia diagnosis. Howard said someone must have written that in the teleprompter. Howard said he'd just resign if he did that. He asked who did that. Robin said maybe it said ''Health'' and he read it as ''death.'' Howard said he'll go with that.
Robin read a story about how Hillary has been referred to as a ''bitch'' in a few headlines. Howard had to hear the ABC clip again. It was Joe Torres who said Hillary Clinton's death. Howard did an impression of the guy announcing Hillary Clinton is a car and things like that. Howard said he's got that big deep voice. Howard goofed on that clip for a short time. He said all that guy has to do is read a teleprompter for 6 minutes. Howard said he wishes he had that job. Howard played the clip a bunch of times and then make up new headlines for the guy to say. Howard had him saying ''Hillary Clinton is a microwave oven'' and things like that. He said that guy is beautiful.
Robin read more about the Hillary Clinton ''bitch'' story. Robin explained what the article was about and why they were calling her a bitch.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression as if he were sleeping. Gary was dreaming and talking in his sleep. He was dreaming about shrimp covered in chocolate and Jon Hein too.
Robin read a story about a Wisconsin teenager who wants to die. Robin said she's had spinal muscular atrophy and she has to use a wheelchair to get around. Robin said she's had about 30 surgeries and she doesn't want to live like that anymore. Robin said the girl's mother wants to help her with her wishes. Howard said it's a horrible disease and he gets what she's saying. Howard said it's hard to even put yourself in her shoes. Robin said it's such a sad situation. She said it's really a family situation. Robin said her family has to weigh in.
Robin read a story about a woman who found out she has 8 unknown siblings after she took a DNA test. Robin read that her father was her mother's fertility doctor. He was impregnating different women and he may have done it 50 times. Howard said doctors are smart so that's not a bad thing. Robin said it seems like an odd thing for a doctor to want to do.
Robin read a story about the governor of Kentucky who made some wacky statements. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about being so worried about Hillary Clinton winning that we may have to use our guns to conserve our roots. Robin said she's not sure how he got elected. Howard said it does make you wonder.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton's health and how she's going to return to the campaign trail. Robin said she's going to start making appearances very soon.
Robin said Donald Trump is reaching out to women voters by planning to include maternity leave for women. Robin said his daughter was with him touting those new initiatives. Robin had some audio for Howard to play.
Howard said he's thinking of some new tweets to send out this afternoon. Howard said he'll break a new record today. He tweeted out about how there's no better feeling than scratching your head.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump taping an episode of Dr. Oz today. Robin said he's not expected to reveal details about his health on the show but he wants to be transparent about his health according to his people. Robin had some audio of a spokesperson talking about that.
Robin read a story about President Obama accusing Donald Trump taking down the U.S. Military by praising Vladimir Putin. Robin had some audio of Obama talking about what Putin is known for.
Robin had some audio of Tim Cook talking about why they got rid of the headphone jack in the iPhone 7. Robin said wireless is the future so they got rid of the jack. That was basically it.
Robin read about the NFL having a concussion initiative being put into effect. Robin had some audio of someone talking about what they've been doing the past couple of years. Howard wondered who would let their kid play football. Robin said they say even in soccer you can get concussions from bouncing the ball off your head. Fred played some Crackhead Bob clips after that. Robin said they didn't have him to vote on today. Howard said that's because he's dead.
Robin read a story about scientists saying that they may not need eggs to make babies. Robin said they might be able to trick sperm into thinking they're impregnating eggs.
Robin read a story about Miley Cyrus declaring that she will no longer walk the red carpet. She says people are starving and she's on a carpet that's red. Howard said people are putting millions into her projects and they might need her to promote them. He said that might be a reason to do it.
Robin wrapped up the news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Here's what they played on today's replay show:
Today's show was over around 11:05am.
Here's what they played today:
Today's show was over around 11:15am.