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Howard started the show talking to Robin about her voice that she lost last week. Robin said it's better but not great. Howard said people are calling her Raspy Robin. He played a song parody about her raspy voice. Howard said that could catch on. Robin said she was listening to some of last week and it was painful. Howard said she got through it and he admires her. He said he doesn't admire her when it comes to her not taking care of herself. He said that everything on her web site is about taking care of yourself and she doesn't take care of herself. Robin said she had that incident happen to her and it's taken away her immune system. Howard said he told her that it did. He said she wants to act like she's 20 and a regular person and she's not. Robin said she doesn't want to act like she's 90. Howard said his parents don't go anywhere and they sound fine.
Howard said he wants to know who is on the show today. He played a clip of someone announcing who was coming in but it was unintelligible. Robin knew. Howard said it's James Corden. Howard said he's on after Stephen Colbert. Howard said he's going to tell them how he got his job. He said it's fascinating.
Howard said it's funny with late night. He said for a while it was late night hosts like Letterman who hated being on the show. Howard said you'd think Letterman hated being there. Howard said even Johnny Carson and Jay Leno were kind of removed. Howard said Jimmy Fallon and James Corden like it. Howard said there has been a shift. Howard said if Dave was asked to sing in a car he would have stabbed you. Howard said it's crazy.
Howard said he was watching a report about Simon Cowell on Entertainment Tonight and they said Howard Stern hated doing America's Got Talent. Howard said he did not hate doing it. He said he never said he hated it. Howard said what he did hate was the schedule. Howard said he enjoyed being there but some days he didn't. Howard said he didn't hate doing it.
Howard said James Corden will be on the show. Howard said that woman they had doing the announcing was tough. He played a clip of Richard telling her what to say for the intro. The woman kept saying ''I ma listening to the Howard stern Show'' instead of ''You are listening to the Howard Stern Show.'' Howard said you think it's easy to do this show. Howard played a clip of the woman singing a song too. Howard said that's a hit. He played a version with music behind her too. Howard asked how that is. He said he loves it. Howard said he thinks they lost her number so she'll never get a royalty. Robin said it doesn't have a hook. Howard replayed the song.
Howard asked what that song is that he likes by Mr. Worldwide, Pitbull. Howard said he loves a song he does. Howard asked what that is. He said he has it on that list of songs he listens to. Howard said it's Fireball. Howard said he did that song on America's Got Talent. Howard had Fred find that song. Fred played ''Mr. Worldwide'' but that wasn't what Howard was looking for. Howard said he wants Fireball. Howard said he can dance to that song. Fred played that one for Howard and it seemed like Howard didn't know the song when it got muffled. Fred said that's the mix. Howard said it's not the mix.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie the Limo Driver singing along to a Pitbull song on New Year's Eve. Howard said he thinks people paid for that party.
Howard said Robin could have been the 5th Muhammad Ali. Robin said the one who was there was perfect. Howard said Robin could have been Robin Ophelia Ali.
Howard said Muhammad was 74 years old. Howard said he was a boxer but he was known for changing his name to Muhammad Ali from Cassius Clay. Howard said he started boxing as a kid. He had a bicycle that got stolen off the street and he went to a cop named Joe Martin and he told the cop he was going to punch and whoop the person who stole it. The cop brought him to a boxing gym to teach him how to punch.
Howard read more facts about Muhammad Ali and how fast he became a great boxer. Howard said he had that Sonny Liston fight and he put out an album and sang ''Stand By Me'' on that. Howard played a little bit of that. Howard said he was on the Ed Sullivan show after beating Sonny Liston. He said he eventually changed his name and then the Vietnam war started and he refused to go into the service so they stripped his license and title away from him. He said that he was in his prime and missed out on 3 years of boxing. Howard said he appealed and got it back after that. Howard said he was in a Broadway play called Buck White during that 3 years.
Howard said he has a clip of Muhammad singing on the Ed Sullivan show. Howard said Ed didn't want any controversy so he called him Muhammad Ali Cassius Clay. Howard played some audio of Ali singing a song from that play he was in.
Howard said that Ali got back to fighting and got beat by Smokin' Joe Frazier. Howard said they had Joe on the show more than once. Howard played a clip of Joe talking to them about getting Ali back into the fight business.
Howard said he loved Joe on the show. He said he can't believe he's gone. Howard said in the second fight he defeated Joe. Howard said that was two more times. Howard said Ali did the rope a dope. Howard said he'd go against the ropes and let the other guys wear themselves out. Howard said that fucked his head up. Robin said that was later on when he took the blows to his head.
Howard read about Ali fighting Leon Spinks and then hanging up the gloves after he got defeated by a couple of others. Howard said he did some commercials for DeCon Fogon. Howard played a little bit of that.
Howard said Robin did the Ali fundraiser. Robin said she had met him at a Mike Tyson fight in Atlantic City. Howard said he was the greatest. Howard said a lot of people thought he was dead already. Robin said he was getting more and more frail so he wasn't in public. Howard said one thing you have to do is hand it to him about being right about the war in Vietnam. Howard said he wasn't against the man in Vietnam and he didn't want to fight them. Robin said he had a huge career and he risked it all for that belief. Howard said 3 years of his career went down the tubes for that.
Howard said he has Leon Spinks on the phone to say a few words about Ali. Howard picked up and the guys in the back played some clips of Leon mumbling. Howard asked questions and the guys played clips of Leon answering with unintelligible comments. Howard let ''Leon'' go a short time later.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said he'll play a phony phone call into the break. He said this is a guy on the radio and he's an angry political guy. Howard said Richard called him and told him to go home because no one can hear the show. Howard said the guy gets pissed of course. Howard played the call and Richard told the guy he's not on the radio after losing his signal. Richard asked if he can mow the yard or something. The guy wasn't going for it and told him to go to hell. He took other calls from people who told him he was still on the air. The guy said he had half a dozen people listening live so he knows he's on the air. They went to break after that.
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Howard said Wolfie interviewed Shaggy and Violent J in the green room. Howard said Wolfie said their green room was full of smoke. Howard played Wolfie's interview with those two first. In the clip they were asked about Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy's split. They talked about how she doesn't even need Ozzy now that she has her own shit. Howard said he thought they made up. Robin said they are saying that she's fine on her own. Wolfie said they hate her. Howard said he thought they had made up. Howard said they asked the boys about their political beliefs. Howard played that clip and both said they don't vote but they want to ''get a broad in there.''
Howard said they asked Violent J about his worse case of diarrhea. Howard played that clip and J talked about having chicken at a restaurant that only serves chicken. He said he had to shit so bad on his drive home and he had no options so he pulled over and tried to shit behind a gas station. He said he had to shit his ass in his truck. He said once the floodgates opened it was the most amount of shit ever. J said it came up around his nuts and into his pants. He said he got home and walked bow legged and got into the bathtub and cut off his pants with scissors. Howard asked Wolfie if he was laughing during that. Wolfie said he held it in but he's listened to that like 5 times and laughed every time. Howard said that could be a song if you put a beat to it.
Howard said Wolfie interviewed some fans of Insane Clown Posse who are known as Juggalos. Howard said they live a lifestyle based on that. Howard said the FBI considers them a gang. Wolfie said that some have Insane Clown Posse tattoos and they get put in solitary because of that. Howard said Insane Clown Posse sued the FBI and won an appeal. Howard said they didn't want to be classified as a gang. Howard said it seems kind of cool but it makes it seem like the fans are criminals.
Howard played a clip of one guy talking about fucking a girl in a port a potty at a carnival while he was high. He said she was a fat chick. Howard asked if there were a lot of fat chicks there. Wolfie said there were. Howard said that sounds like the kind of place he'd fit right in. Howard said he should have done the clown makeup. He said he saw those guys a couple of times. He said that Yucko is sort of intimidating without his makeup on.
Howard said that he has a guy on the phone who says that the Juggalos mess up his town when they come in. Howard asked if the caller is a Juggalo. The caller said he is not. Howard asked how they ruin his town. The caller said they were in town and they realized that it was the Gathering of the Juggalos and it's almost like they take it like a pilgrimage. Howard said this concert that Wolfie was at was in Amish country. Howard said imagine what that's like for the Amish.
Howard said that's a movie with the Amish vs. the Juggalos. Howard said they could have one bite an Amish guy and then the Amish guy turns into a Juggalo. Howard said Jim Breuer is coming in later this week and he opened up for them once. Howard said those guys can be rough. Howard said an Amish Juggalo could be pretty cool. Howard said they could get shunned for becoming a Juggalo.
Howard asked Wolfie who the guy was that he interviewed. Wolfie said his name was Sick Ticket. Howard said he thinks he should be Sick From Fucking Without a Condom. Howard said they could have Violent Elijah and names like that in the Amish.
Howard played another Wolfie interview where a woman talked about fucking a Juggalo in a parking garage. She said it can't get any better than that. She said it's erotic. She said it was a good time while she was high on Molly. Howard said that Medicated Pete should become a Juggalo. Howard said he has a big cock and if he had makeup on he might be able to get some. Wolfie said they accept anyone into that group.
Howard said one guy claimed to have seen 100 people killed. Howard played that interview and he saw someone killed after he was sliced up and thrown into a river. The guy claimed that maybe 100 people have been killed. Howard said that maybe they are a gang. Howard said the U.N. might have to be brought into this. Howard said they have kids and families at these concerts. Wolfie said he has seen kids in Juggalo makeup. Howard said he wishes his mom was a Juggalo. Howard said all of the babies were probably conceived in a port a potty.
Howard asked if Wolfie was nervous there. Wolfie said he's always nervous. He said you don't know what to expect. He said everyone was cool to him there though. Howard said it sounds like there's a clown holocaust going on that no one knows about. He said ''Clown Lives Matter.''
Howard played another interview where Wolfie talked to a guy with no legs. The guy said he lost them when he was hit by a train. That guy said he fucked a girl behind a dumpster and he fell in and then he had to call his aunt to come pick him up and get him out of there.
Howard had that caller on the phone. His name is Less Legs. Howard asked how he lost his legs. Less said that he was doing train hopping stuff and he got hit. He said it didn't even hurt that much. He said he embraces it and loves not having legs. Howard said he's a black guy too. Wolfie said the guy who was with him when he was hit saw it and ran away. Less said that he doesn't know how he lived. He said he didn't bleed out. Howard said he read about a guy who was shot and died from bleeding out. Howard said that this guy lost both legs to a train and didn't die. Less said that one leg was above the knee and one was right at the knee. He said he can get laid though. Howard said this guy has no legs and he can get laid. Howard said that's why Pete has to get into the Juggalos.
Howard played a clip of Less talking about what he would do to Robin if he could have her. He said her lips must be big and he'd like to do stuff with that. He told Robin if she ever wants face paint on her pillow and a big dick in her stomach then give him a call.
Less lets out a ''Whoop, whoop'' after comments like that. He explained where that came from. Howard asked him to teach him how to use it. Less used it in a sentence and Howard thanked him for that. Howard said Shaggy and Violent J must be rich. Wolfie said they make like 10 million a year or something like that. Howard read that they're worth like 30 million.
Howard asked Less if he's ever seen anyone die at a gathering. Less said no and he's never seen anything like that. He said that he doesn't know what the fuck that guy was talking about.
Howard said the following quote was from either Beetlejuice or Kanye West. Howard said it's ''Big head, big star. I have a dream.'' Less said that has to be Beetlejuice. Howard played the clip and it was Beetlejuice saying it.
Howard asked about the quote ''What's a black beetle anyway, a fucking roach?'' Less said that's Beetlejuice. Howard played the clip and it was actually Kanye.
Howard asked Less about how he gets around and if he drags his balls on the floor. Less said he does when he does the ''gorilla crawl.''
Howard asked who found him when he was hit by the train. Less said his brother came and found him. He said it was about half an hour from when they found him until he was on the helicopter. He said he was conscious the whole time. He said he had no pain. He said it was all shock and adrenalin. He said he was lucky to just be alive. He said he feared his parents kicking his ass more than he feared death's door. He said he thought his mom was going to fuck him up. Less said he was sticking his finger in his legs and the salt from his fingers gave him a zing. He said that got his adrenaline up. He said it gives him an identity. He said that you'll remember him if you see him at Six Flags. Robin asked what he does now. Less said he party promotes and does tattooing. He said that he got a speak easy charge for running a business in his house. Howard said you'd think they'd give him a break since he's in a wheelchair.
Howard got back to the game. Howard read the next quote which was ''My last song is going to come out perfect.'' Less guessed it was Kanye. Howard played the clip and it was actually Beetlejuice.
Howard read the next quote which was ''I wrote the song Baby Jesus. That's the real deal baby.'' Less guessed it was Beetlejuice. Howard played the clip and it was Beetlejuice.
Howard read the next quote which was ''I'm a famous guy. Leave it alone, leave it alone.'' Less said he thinks he's going to have to go with Beetlejuice again. Howard played the clip and it was Beetle. Howard said Less just won $500. Howard said now he doesn't have to tattoo and throw parties in his house. He said he just won $500. Less let out another ''Whoop, whoop!''
Howard put Less on hold and said he did good. Howard said he didn't think he was going to make it. Howard said that was a good game.
Howard read some more quotes an played clips. This was Kanye saying ''I treat the government like the government treats AIDS.'' He had one of Beet saying ''I'm a jerk off but I jerk off on your wife's ass.''
Howard said Wolfie did good. Wolfie said that he had one guy in a hockey mask who sounded like that guy Ervin Howard went to school with. Howard said that kid was a terror. Howard said he had to be two years older than him. Howard said he got beatings from that guy. Howard did his impression of that guy for a short time. Howard said he'd try to do that in school and he's sure he did it wrong. Howard said he never thought he'd be able to create a career out of it like Eminem did. Howard said he was just trying to survive.
Howard talked about how his teacher had them reading ''Itsy Bitsy'' and they were in 7th grade. Howard said he was able to read it but some of his classmates weren't. Howard said when his mother found out about that she freaked out. Howard said if that woman hadn't busted him he would have been Valedictorian. Howard said one guy told him he wasn't going to live until he was 15. Howard said the kid asked him what kind of pants he was wearing and told him to take them off so he could wear them. Howard said they were in class and he thought he had to stand his ground. Robin asked how they could allow something like that when his life was in danger. Howard said they got a guy named Mr. Hecht to come in to be the dean of boys and he didn't know what he was doing. Howard said Ervin thought he had snitched on him and he took him by the throat. Howard said the shop teacher ended up throwing an eraser and chalk at his head instead of Ervin's head. Howard said even the teacher was afraid of him. Howard said Ed Bradley took him back to Roosevelt for an interview and he was shaking being there. He was terrified.
Howard said his mother was clueless. Howard said his father blamed him for making them move. Howard said they bought a house for like 50,000 and when they sold it they got a lot of money. Howard said in Roosevelt it wouldn't be worth anything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he used to play Roosevelt in high school and they had to be escorted in by the cops. Howard said he wishes he was from his town of Hewlitt. Howard said it was all white kids and mostly Jewish. Howard said that sounded like heaven to him. Howard said he knew he wouldn't have been accepted but he wouldn't have gotten beaten up. Howard said even white kids didn't like him. He said this is why he doesn't leave his house. He said he doesn't travel or anything. Howard said he did have to fight white kids in school too though.
The caller said that the basketball court in Roosevelt is only half court. He said that they have no budget. Howard said it was like having PTSD when he went back there with 60 Minutes. Howard said he didn't want to be there. Robin said it wasn't great at home or at school for him. Robin said it was nice at her school for her. Howard said he was miserable. He said he didn't crack. He said he was completely withdrawn and smoked a lot of pot and took a lot of downers. He said he was medicating himself. He said he was fucked up.
Howard said college was horrible too. Howard said he was so withdrawn already. He said he never spent time thinking about himself. He said if he went to work and came home then he was safe. He said he can't stand people. He said they all freak him out. Robin said she saw different types of people when she went off to college. Howard said he ended up going to college along. He said his parents didn't come with him. He said his mother is so proud that they came to visit him in his Freshman year. He said that he got $100 a month to support himself. He said his mom asked him to bring them out to dinner and he brought them to this Aegean Fair. He said there were flies all over the place. Howard said she laughs about it and says that he didn't know what a nice place was. Howard said of course he didn't know. Howard said he read about that kid in the gorilla cage and he wishes he could have grown up in there instead of with his parents.
Howard let the caller and Wolfie go after that. Howard said Wolfie is depressing. Howard laughed about the caller having to be escorted into Roosevelt. Howard said he needed a Ronnie when he was in school. Howard said he should take a break. He said James Corden will be there soon. Howard said that guy seems to be happy and likes people. Howard said he believes he grew up in a nice neighborhood. Howard went to break after that. As they went to break they played a prank call fake Bernie Sanders made to a racist guy.
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Howard came back and talked about the Billy Joel song that was playing. Robin said she might have a new favorite Billy Joel song.
Howard said he has James Corden there. He's the host of The Late Late Show which is on after Late Show with Stephen Colbert on CBS. Howard said he's going to be hosting the Tony awards. Howard said he has quite a life. Howard said it's weird how he got that show. He said he'll talk to him about that. Howard said he heard CBS is not happy with the performance of Stephen Colbert's show and James Corden will take over that hour. Howard said that's what he heard Les Moonves wants. Robin said you rarely hear about the Colbert show but James' singing in the car with people is always in the news.
Howard said James is actually there. James came in and Howard said that's the same guy he sees on TV. James said no one sees that show. Howard said he does. Howard said James wasn't obsessed with late night TV when he was a kid. James said they weren't on back at home. He said Letterman was on for like a year but that was it. He said he didn't grow up in that environment. Howard asked if they have chat shows at night over in England. James said their shows are just once a week. He said it's not a nightly thing.
Howard said James wanted to be in a boy band when he was a kid. James said he did. Howard said the late night TV concept with Letterman and Leno was like they were almost embarrassed to be on TV. He asked if he has seen the Letterman and Leno shows. James said that he has seen some. He said Letterman on NBC was some of the most incredible stuff he's seen. Howard said he was almost the anti-host. Howard said even Leno was like that. He said they wouldn't participate in the sketches and stuff but James likes to perform with the gusts. Howard said he's happy to be there. Howard said late night wasn't like that before.
James said there you were a broadcaster and not so much a host. He said there were only a few channels on. He said now there are so many he doesn't know how many there are. Howard asked if he feels he's in competition with Seth Meyers. James said no. He said television is in a place where you have to find your own place. He said he's not sure how many people even watch his show. He said he's sure it would depress him if he knew. He said that the people working on the show only really look at the internet. Howard said he didn't understand this for a long time. He said they do Carpool Karaoke and they got millions of hits with Adele. Howard said that's what they judge success on. James said from what he can work out they are just about relevance. He said it's all about bringing relevance to a network. James said the greatest thing about the internet is that it's a level playing field. He said the good rises to the top. He said it's all about what's good and what people are into. James said that's where they look at their show.
Howard said he seems work obsessed with it. Howard said they must spend hours in the car with people. James said it can be about 2 hours. Howard said they have to have a motorcade driving around. James said there are two cars in front and one behind. He said that you're in a convoy trying to go in a straight line away from the sun. Howard said they seem 50 times looser in the car than in the studio. Howard said it's weird. James said he feels like Howard and his show he thinks is about creating a bubble where the person feels very comfortable. He said he's taken 35 seconds to forget they're on the air. He said that's what makes the interviews Howard does so incredible. He said you can't do that with 185 people yelling out ''Woo!'' in a studio. Howard said that's why the car works for James.
James said it can be easier to get someone to sing their hit song in a car and not in the studio. He said artists may want to just perform a new song on the show. He said in the car it's a different story.
Howard said he watched the first Carpool Karaoke he did with Mariah Carrey and she didn't want to sing. James said that he wrote a show over in the U.K. where they did something like that and it was so much fun but they couldn't figure out why. He said they tried to get people to do this over here when he started the show but everyone said no. Howard said that even third rate people said no. James said it was 5th rate. He said they were in the territory of the guys who sing ''Cotton Eyed Joe'' and even they refused.
James said eventually they met a woman who knew Mariah and she brought a young band by and they were playing in the corner while they were eating pizza and drinking beer. He said he had done this with George Michael and he showed it to this woman. She passed it along to Mariah and Mariah agreed to do it that Sunday. Howard said he could have screwed it up for she could have not turned up. James said they picked her up at her house so she wasn't able to say no.
Howard asked how long she took to come out. James said she came out within a couple of hours. He said then she said she wasn't going to sing that day. James said that he told her they call it Carpool Karaoke. He said he jumped right into it and started singing.
Howard said they have over a hundred million views with the Adele Carpool Karaoke. Howard asked how long they have to cut it down to. James said it's like 15 minutes. Howard asked if he thought about cutting it down for a special or something. James said he did. He said they have editors there who cut it down to like half an hour and then they'll cut it from there. James said it's hard to edit but then you realize that people won't know what they're missing if you think they're not going to see something good you're cutting.
James said he wasn't able to get into their building without a pass within 2 weeks of starting the show. He said that he walked in and he was asked for a pass. He said that it was his show and there's a giant picture of him on the building. He said the guy turned to the building and looked and said ''I don't see it.''
Howard said Les Moonves hires him and he must think that he's going to be instantly famous. Howard said it's not like that anymore. Howard said it must be really defeating. James said especially in L.A. He said that anywhere else you aren't around people. He said now he's around famous people. He said nothing will keep your feet on the ground like living in L.A.
Howard asked if he really doesn't watch the ratings for the show. James said he really doesn't. He said he knows he has 5.2 subscribers on social media. He said that feels more like a reliable number for him.
Howard asked if he ever thought about going by Jimmy in his carer. James said he never did. Howard said there would have been too many Jimmy's in late night if he was a Jimmy.
Howard asked James about his family and found out his father was in the first Gulf war. He was a musician. James said that you don't know that war was even something that would come up. He said his dad was in the Royal Air Force for 26 years and it was inconceivable that war would ever happen again. Then the Gulf war happened and he came home safe. He said he had to stop soon after. Howard said that's right they went over there together with the U.S. and England.
Howard said this is strange to him but James is 37 and the boy band thing was funny to him. Howard said that was an interesting plan. He said he was in a band called IN Satiable. James said all he ever wanted to do was perform. He said he likes any element of performing. Howard said none of his bands went anywhere. James said they played two prominent gigs. Howard asked if they got paid. James said of course not. He said they were terrible. James said they would brag about being in a boy band without any real experience.
Howard asked if James was a popular kid in school. James said he wasn't teased. James said that people ask if he was funny in school but everyone was funny in school. He said all of his mates were funny. He said some of the things he saw people do in school were funnier than anything he could imagine.
Howard said James went into theater work and went into acting. Howard asked about a play he was in back in 2004. James said that did well. Howard asked if he thought he was going to be a big star. James said not really. He said it was an amazing time for him though. He said he got to go to New York for the first time. He said he got to live with a group of his mates and it was great. He said it was a brilliant time.
Howard said after that play things weren't going that great. Howard said he had a bunch of sitcoms and stuff. James said when he did the play The History Boys everyone was coming to see it. He said one night it was like Steven Spielberg, David Bowie and others in the same night. He said they didn't come back and say hi though. James said at one show no one had come back until this one. He said it was about 3 months in. He said Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart were there and Harrison was at the bottom of the stairs. He said he said hi to Harrison that he was so happy he came back stage. He thanked him so much for that. Then he found out that he was just waiting for his car and he walked straight out.
James said while he was in the play he was writing a sitcom that ended up being Gavin and Stacy. He said that the guys in the play were coming in with scripts for movies and stuff. He said he'd get a script where he was the guy selling chewing gum to a friend. He said he tried to work out to get into shape for different roles. James said he is far heavier than he would like to be. He said he's never been thin.
Howard asked what he likes to eat. James said it's bread. He said if he could eliminate that he'd be fine. He said once you hit this age with a wife and two kids all you want to do is go to dinner. James said that someone will present him with a basket of bread and he can say no 5 days out of 7 but that's not how you do it. Howard asked if he drinks a lot. James said that's not his thing.
Howard asked what time James goes into work. James said he's there at 8am. He said that they have a lot to do. He said that they haven't earned the right not to work hard. He said people will ask if he's tired and he says it's a privilege to be tired.
Howard said there was a string of things he did in his career. He said he was in the movie ''Lesbian Vampire Killer.'' Howard said he thinks he may have seen it. Howard said he may have done a bit about it on the air. James said that he and a friend did that movie. He said they did the sitcom for like 2 years but it took 2 years to become number 1. He said they had like 12.5 million viewers when they ended the show. James said that he was offered a movie and he can't say no to that. He said it was a lot of money and it was something that made him laugh.
Howard said he did a sketch show called Horn and Corden. Howard said they had some funny ideas on that show. Howard read about some of the bits they did. James said that there is a point when all boys know how to draw a cock and balls. He said it's a big helmet, solid shaft and big balls. Howard said every boy knows how to do that. James said they thought about how there's a secret lesson at school where they teach that. He said then the boys go out and cover the school in drawings. James said the show didn't do very well. He said it did well commercially but people didn't really like it.
Howard said James was in a play called One Man Two Governors and Les Moonves saw the play. He said Les wanted to work with him on something but he wasn't sure what. Howard asked how Les got in touch. James said he didn't come back stage or anything. He said after the Tony Awards when he won for best actor he thought about what to do next. He said he had a seed of an idea for a TV show. He wanted to do it in America. James said the more it came to him in his head he thought that it wouldn't really fit on Network TV. He said he was going to do it with HBO. He said then Les got in touch and he went into see him there in the city. Howard said Les invites him in after seeing his show. Howard said then he says he wants to see what they can do together. James said that the 12:30 slot didn't make sense to him unless they embrace the internet. He said that they talked about that and other things and he talked about the TV show he was going to do for someone else. Howard said he wasn't that well known in America and it's pretty incredible that Les thought of him for 12:30. James said that Craig Ferguson had just announced he was stepping down. He said that Colbert was getting the Letterman show and he liked they way they dealt with that. He said he thought that a door was opened to cast the net a bit wider.
Howard asked if he was shocked when Les told him he'd be good at 12:30 at night. James said he said no a few times. Howard said they low balled him a few times. James said he was happy in his life and he was going to do a play on Broadway. He said he thought it would be amazing. He said he didn't ever consider that it would be a world he'd be in.
Howard asked how long he's locked in. James said it's 5 years. Howard said he doesn't have the pressure that Colbert has. Howard said you can be more creative at 12:30. James said the whole notion of a schedule it crazy to him. He said his son is 5 and he'll never think about what time a show is on. He said young people are consuming things not caring what time they were on.
Howard said he heard that they're not that thrilled with Colbert at CBS. James said he wont get into that kind of thing. Howard said he heard there is trouble on the Colbert set and they brought in a new Executive Producer and within a year they may offer the job to James. James said he's not being coy in any way. He said that will never happen. He said these shows always take a while to find their feet. He said they've been very lucky with their show. He said they were starting from nothing. He said they had no idea these things would work. Howard asked if he would take the job. James said no way because it will never happen. He said he's going to be on Colbert tonight actually. Howard asked if he will ask to try out his desk. James said no way.
Howard said that if they do come to him and ask him to take Colbert's show after he's hit by a car would he do it. James said he doesn't know if he would. He said there's pressure he's not sure he'd want. He said he's not sure he thinks he's the host of a TV show that he wants to do for 20 years. He said when you're in an early slot people look to those people for things that he's not sure he wants to be his life. James said he may do this show for a while and then go do a musical or something. He said he's not sure he could do that with the earlier slot. He said he thinks he's English and the people may not want to see him in that spot.
Howard said he never thought about that before. James said he's not sure that hearing rumblings and rumors about his show if things hadn't worked would have been good for him. He said they did 4 shows last week and they had 41 million views online. He said that's bigger than anything they can do anywhere else.
Howard asked if he ever has time for his kids. James said he's there every weekend. He said he gets home in time to put his son down to bed. He said he enjoys having that time. He said his wife and kids are there in the city with him now.
Howard asked what happened to Craig Ferguson. James said he's a friend. Howard said he thinks Craig left because he was passed over for Stephen Colbert. Howard said he thinks he got a pay off for leaving. James said that Craig was incredibly successful with his show. He said that Craig can talk freely and openly in a way that he's in awe of.
Howard asked if the network wanted to stop him from having all of the guests out at once. James said that he wanted to do that because they're on after a talk show. Howard asked if any guests don't want to be on with a group like that. James said he thinks that there is some of that but they just want it to feel like it's a more organic talk show.
Howard said he wants to know more about his guests and he could never do that. James said that it's a different beast. He said that this thing that Howard has might be the best and most brilliant interview atmosphere. He said he walks in and thinks about how brilliant it is. He said that he does a show where they take breaks and someone pats his face with makeup. He said it can break the flow.
Howard said on TV sometimes it comes down to guys just wanting to look at women who look hot. James said they had Chris Hemsworth on last week and he was sitting next to him. He said technically they're the same species but this is ridiculous. He said if they can get eye candy on to deflect from this then it's good.
Howard asked James about hosting the Tony Awards. James said he's going to do a song but he's nervous about it. Howard said he must have to do some kind of jokes. James said traditionally it's not really about that. He said the Tony Awards are the best awards show you can watch. He said with the Tony Awards there are 10-12 performances from huge Broadway casts. He said Sunday night they're going to have 6 minutes from Hamilton. He said even if you don't have tickets you can see that.
James said they're going to try to do something Sunday night that Howard is going to hate. He said he thought about making a song to open to for the 11 year old kids in the mid-west who dream about being on stage one day. He said one day they hope to be able to do this. He said they're going to try to make it funny but it's for the young kids like he was at one point. He said they're going to be figuring that out today. Howard asked James if he's going to read the reviews. James said he will. Howard asked if they can crush him. He asked if he has a fragile ego. James said he thinks everyone does.
Howard asked how he'll know he's nervous. James said he'll try to do some meditation before hand and masturbate and then go out. He said that's the pre-show ritual. Howard said that's what he did right before he came in.
Robin said it's one thing to get bad reviews while doing a long term show. Robin said this is a one time thing so will it affect him. James said you have to think about what you would change. He said if it's less than 10 percent of it then you just say you tried your best. He said it only hurts when they're right.
Howard asked if he has an outfit picked out. James said he does. He said his wife is coming. Howard said she must be happy with him. Robin asked who she is. James said she's called Julia. He said he met her when she worked for Save the Children. He said he met her through a friend who plays the preacher in the TV show Preacher, Dominic Cooper. James said that he introduced her to him. Howard asked if James was a cocksman. James laughed. He said he gives a good cuddle. He said this was like 7 years ago when he met her. He said he didn't want to go out with anyone. He said that his friend convinced him to do it. He had to work on himself to learn how to deal with being home alone. James said he had to go to therapy for that. He said he had to do it for 3 or 4 months. He said he'd still go out but not as much.
James said Dom told him to come to this Save the Children thing and he went and met Julia there. He said that was it. Howard asked how he introduced himself. James said she is so terrific and brilliant that she would hate even this conversation. He said she doesn't enjoy this kind of thing. Howard said if he was at his house he'd make him tell the story. He said he'd tell it at his house in a heartbeat. Howard asked how long it was before he got a date with her. James said they talked quite a lot about going out too much and how you can do it in your 20s but not in your 30s. He said he asked her if she ever wants to do just nothing maybe they can do nothing together. He said that if they keep doing nothing maybe doing nothing can become something. He said they had dinner and watched some terrible film. He said he cooked a steak and it was terrific. He said they just sat around in sweat pants and t-shirts. He said that was the deal.
Howard said that Dominic must be Jesus. He said that he doesn't care about ratings or getting pussy. James said that the only thing the same is their initials.
Howard asked James about where he got married and about his thoughts on money. James said that he thinks more about time. He said that time is a commodity. He said that when you're on your death bed you're not thinking that you wish you had more money. You wish you had more time.
Howard said he gets the sense that James enjoys people. James said he can also enjoy staring at the corner of a rug. He said when he goes on vacation he asks what he should do and they'll tell him to paddle board. He said he just wants to lie down. Howard said a lot of people go to Mexico. James said he's done that a few times. He said he doesn't want to go to the same place. Howard said he should ask Les where to go. Howard said he goes all over the place.
Howard said Piers Morgan and One Direction were at his wedding. James said he loves those guys. Howard gave James some plugs for hosting the Tony Awards on Sunday night. Howard said they'll find out if he fucks it up or not.
Howard asked if his parents are still alive. James said they're coming out on Friday. Howard found out that he's flying them out Business class. James said First Class is ridiculously expensive. Howard said he's going to watch and see how he does. James asked Howard not to watch. He said he can't think about that. Howard said his wife will make him watch that. He said she's into that stuff. Howard said James is also hosting The Late Late Show at 12:30. Howard said who knows where that will lead. James said there's no chance he's going to 11:30.
James said that this has been great being in there. He said his friend Ben is such a fan. Howard had the guys bring Ben in. He's a producer on the TV show. Howard asked how he's doing. Ben said it's great to be there. Howard said everyone is British these days. Ben said they drive to work and they park next to each other while they're listening to Howard. He said they can't get out because they're listening to Howard.
Howard asked Ben what he thinks about 11:30. Ben said no chance. He said Stephen's show is really good. He said it's also a show that's in it's first year. He said it's only going to get better. He said he thinks that they're trying to create controversy. He said everyone in late night loves each other.
Howard asked Robin to do a British accent. Robin just said ''Literally'' as a Brit. James said that was brilliant. Howard wrapped up with the guys after that. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said Richard Simmons is on the phone. He said he was just released from a hospital after being held for 2 days. Howard said they say it was bizarre behavior but he's seen that as long as he's known the guy. Howard asked what he could have been doing. Howard picked up and it was Sour Shoes doing his Richard Simmons impression reading the Nick Cannon spoken word stuff they played last week. Sour did Richard's ''Gary?!'' thing and said he'd like to throw a cucumber into Robin. He did some other material as Richard Simmons and did Richard's laugh and things like that.
Howard said today is Sour's birthday. He said he posted some pictures of himself eating pancakes in a pool. Sour said it's a blast. He asked if he can sing happy birthday. Howard had him do it as Mad Dog Russo. Sour did that and Howard hung up in the middle of that.
Howard said he heard the real Mad Dog Russo ranting about the killed gorilla. Howard played the clip and Mad Dog was talking about how these animal activists have never taken a group of kids to the zoo so they don't know what it's like. Mad Dog was yelling about that and asking why this is going on. Howard said he used to think he was putting this on but he yells in the hall like he yells on the air.
Howard asked what his point is. Robin said he's saying that these people don't know what it's like to take care of kids. Howard played more audio of Mad Dog asking who cares about the dopey gorilla they killed. He said they had to save the kid.
Howard had a clip of Mad Dog talking about losing a kid at the Aquarium once. He said that the kid didn't jump in with the sharks though. Robin said she applauds him for admitting that.
Robin started her news with a story about the gorilla that was killed in the zoo after a child fell in the enclosure. Robin said one story is about someone hacking into the transit system road sign in Texas and writing anti-gorilla things. Robin said Mad Dog would have been happy with that. Howard asked how these guys know how to hack. Robin said some people like to be rebels. Robin said they took over the signs in Cedar Springs and wrote things like ''The gorilla deserved it.'' Robin read that some other signs were hacked saying things like ''Donald Trump is a shape shifting lizard'' and ''Work has been canceled, go home.''
Robin read about how today they'll know if the family will be facing charges in the gorilla shooting. Robin said they'll know later today.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was a great interview with James Corden. He said he was very interesting. He said on a side note he was curious if Howard is nervous that if he masturbates he'd have trouble with Beth. Howard said he times it so he doesn't have issues. Howard said he had sex with her the other night so the next day he masturbated. Howard said she doesn't want to have sex two days in a row. Howard said he knows he can masturbate a day or two before they have sex and he's good to go. He said he puts a lot of thought into it. Howard said he uses it as an adjunct. Howard said he can go two nights in a row but it depends on the night. Howard said he has over 10,000 hours of masturbation experience.
Howard said he enjoys masturbation. He said he likes watching YouPorn. Howard said he watched some lesbian stuff the other day. Howard said his jerk off sessions are planned like space shuttle missions.
The caller asked if he has ever found himself not able to perform. He said he's in his 40s and he has trouble sometimes. Howard said he has had that very few times. He said he has had it where he has very little in the chamber and nothing much comes out. Howard said he is blessed that his masturbation doesn't interfere. Howard said you have to make sure you're not doing it too much. The caller asked if he uses lube. Howard said he never does. He said it happens so fast it doesn't have time to get painful. The caller asked if he watches porn with Beth. Howard said Beth doesn't like it so no.
Robin asked Howard when he breaks up with someone after being in a romantic relationship he might consider that everything that happens is confidential. Howard said that's true. Robin asked how you ensure that. Howard said an NDA is signed at the beginning of the relationship. Robin asked how that works if you live together and don't sign that. Howard said you hope for the best and that your judgment is good enough that they will be discreet. Howard said he likes to think that the people he was with were discreet. Howard jokingly said he did ask one woman to sign an NDA and then blow him.
Robin read about a guy who is a classical music guy who was with a porn star at one point and he is saying that she isn't being discreet. The porn star is saying that this guy is a pervert and wanted her to drink his urine and wanted to hire a sex slave. Howard said now the guy is suing her for $12 million. Howard said none of the women he was with talked and that's probably because they're embarrassed that they dated him.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he had a rough weekend. He said he guzzled 13 beers and then fell in the tub. Jeff said he didn't feel it. Howard said he can fall and doesn't break anything. Howard asked who knew he bathed. Robin said he didn't say he was bathing. Jeff said he does bathe. Howard said he just fell into the tub though. Jeff said he did. Robin said she figured it out. Howard asked what happened. Jeff said the cops came and helped him up. Howard said imagine how pissed the cops are. Howard asked if he was nude in the tub. Jeff said he wasn't. He said he just passed out in it. Jeff said the ambulance came but he sent them away.
Gary asked if they had to break his door down. Jeff said no because it was unlocked. Shuli came in and said this was all on Periscope. He said the genius Jeff deleted the video. Howard asked why he would do that.
Howard said he was watching Beetlejuice jumping on a trampoline and it was fascinating. Howard asked Jeff why he would delete it. Jeff said they'd talk shit about him. Howard said he called in with the story so he can't be that embarrassed. Howard took a call from Jeff's Lump while they were talking about that. Shuli said all the cops did was pick him up. He said all you hear is Jeff yelling for help when he fell.
Howard asked Jeff why he would guzzle that amount of beer. Howard said he fucked up his arm and now he's getting shit faced. Jeff said he was trying to break his record. Howard said he didn't break anything in the fall. Jeff said nothing was broken.
Shuli said Jeff called to brag about how he opened a wine bottle himself the other night. He said the cops are there almost every week. Howard asked if the chick from Australia is still coming to visit. Jeff said she is. Shuli said he just talked to her and it's happening this month.
Howard said he wants to hear Jeff falling. Shuli said it's pretty funny. He said you hear him yelling ''Shit'' when he falls. He said it sounds like a book shelf falling. The Lump was goofing on Jeff about that and Jeff cursed him out. Howard let The Lump go. Shuli said Jeff was crying on Periscope the other day. He was thanking people for watching and broke down crying. Shuli said that he had to switch Periscope accounts because he was turned in for smoking pot. Jeff said it wasn't for that. He said he gave out someone's phone number. Shuli said he used to have hundreds of people watching but now he has like 30. Howard said he deleted that video and it could have been viral. Jeff said he'll do it again then. Howard wished him luck. He thanked him for the call and let him go. Howard did a live commercial read and then took a break.
After the break they came right back and Robin read about Muhammad Ali's death and how the tributes are going on all week. Howard said he has a guy on the phone who says that Muhammad Ali hated the Jews. Howard picked up and the guy read some quotes from Muhammad Ali where he ranted about the Jews and gentiles. Robin said that he hated everyone if he hated the Gentiles too. They spent a little longer going over all of that. Robin said he changed the game and changed the playing field for black people. Robin said that nothing mattered except what he said in his life.
Howard said he has Robin Quivers who had sex with Muhammad Ali on the phone. Howard picked up and the guys were playing clips of Robin talking about meeting Muhammad Ali. They had edited Robin to say that he was making her so wet. She said her breasts were large and pendulous and Muhammad said ''You don't know how right you are.'' They had her saying other things like ''fuck my tight little pussy'' and things like that. Howard thanked Robin who had sex with Muhammad Ali for calling in and let her go.
Robin read more about Muhammad Ali and had Howard play some audio clips of people like George Foreman, Layla Ali and others talking about Ali. Robin also had some clips of Ali appearing on various TV shows in the 70s. Howard did a life commercial read after that.
Robin asked how you get dehydrated in a house with running water. Robin said that there has to be something wrong if you don't drink when you're thirsty. She was referring to the Richard Simmons story. Howard said that he hopes Richard is okay. Robin said they are saying he did get dehydrated. Robin said he went to the hospital to get fluids. Robin said you can start to act bizarrely if you don't drink water. Robin said you usually see that with someone who is in the dessert. Howard said he thinks he got dehydrated from banging all of those chicks. He said he was a cocksman you know. He did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Tracy Morgan doing a show and wiping tears from his face as he introduced some of the people who saved him. Robin said he's still very emotional about the whole thing. Robin said Tracy was talking about how his 14 month old daughter inspired him to get up and walk. Robin said the accident happened in 2014 and it's good to have him back.
Robin said Dan Aykroyd was rushed to a hospital on Saturday with stomach pain. Robin said he was later released. Robin said they're not sure what was going on there.
Robin read a story about a Kanye West pop up concert announced and a bunch of people flocked to Webster Hall to get tickets and it almost caused a riot. Robin said there were only 1500 seats and thousands of people showed up. Robin said Kanye later went down and tried to speak but he wasn't able to get out of his car. Robin said she's not sure he'll ever try that again. Robin said it was a bad plan and didn't work out for the people around Webster hall.
Robin read about what's going on with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump lately. Robin had a story about some trouble that Trump is having with Trump University. Robin had some campaign ads that have been running about Trump.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Richard Simmons impression again. Howard spent a few seconds with him and then did another live commercial read.
Robin read a story about a skydiver falling to his death in California. Robin said he collided with another skydiver in mid-air. Robin said he was 22 years old and from Florida. Robin said they were doing wingsuit maneuvers when they collided. Robin said he fell 14,000 feet to his death. The other sky diver broke his leg when he wasn't able to deploy his main chute.
Robin said there is a report that says OJ Simpson is in total torment today over the death of his wife. Robin said a cop thinks that he'll fess up some day. Howard asked him to come in there and do it.
Robin read a story about today being the start of Ramadan. Robin explained what that is. Howard said it sounds like what Jimmy Kimmel is doing with his diet where he fasts. Howard said he thought it was an Asian noodle. Robin said that's Ramen.
Robin read a story about a 26 year old Army officer winning the Miss USA Pageant over the weekend. Howard said that has to be pretty exciting to win that. Robin said she still has to go compete in the Miss Universe pageant.
Robin read about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bringing in less than 35.5 million dollars at the box office. Robin read about the other movies that were behind that one. X-Men came in second. Howard said he really liked that movie. He said he's surprised it's not doing better. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show doing the ''Whoop, whoop'' from yesterday's show. Howard said he has to get up more energy for that. Howard had their announcer telling them who is on the show today. It was a woman speaking in an unintelligible voice saying Jim Breuer is coming in today. Howard said that's an exciting guest. Robin said she knew it was Jim but only because she knew ahead of time. Howard played fake Hillary announcing that Jim is coming in too.
Howard asked if Hillary really clinched the nomination. Robin said they're saying she has enough delegates. Howard said he can't even explain what Bernie Sanders is doing. Howard said he knows he's trying to prove something. Howard said if you want to see a democrat win over Trump he has to throw in the towel. Howard said he's so sick of this whole thing already. He said it's like our national pastime. Howard said it's like the Super Bowl. Robin said it is like a sport.
Howard said Gary handed him a picture and blew his mind. He said there's a guy on Game of Thrones and he's not even sure what his name is. Howard said this week's episode was great. Robin asked what even happened. Howard said nothing really happened. He said something happened at the end. Howard said he just enjoys watching it. He said the old bag who is the mother of the queen is Diana Rigg. Robin said she knew that. Howard said she did not. Robin said she really did. Howard said that's her and it's hard to believe he jerked off to her when she was young. Howard said she's 78 now.
Howard said he was up until 10 last night. He said he wasn't able to turn off The Bachelorette. Howard said he knows guys think it's gay of him to watch that. He said guys freak out when they're around pretty girls. Howard said tonight they have another episode so he'll be up late again. Howard said he has to watch that. He said he can't turn that thing off.
Howard said he hates watching commercials these days. He said he can't take it. Howard said he has an app that lets him skip commercials but then he has to watch 23 seconds of nothing. Robin said he has to get Hulu. Howard said they have commercials too though. Gary said they have a premium service that lets you watch without commercials. Gary said it's like $12 a month. Howard said maybe he'll get that. He said he can't even work half the shit he has now.
Howard said on The Bachelorette they have a guy who looks like he could be a model. His name is Chad. Howard said this mother fucker is so whacked out. He said they're claiming it might be from steroids. Howard said he's seen guys who take on a purple glow from it. Howard said Ronnie knew a guy like that and he turned a purple color. Howard said he should have done them instead of LSD. Howard said he should weigh like 270 with packed muscle. Howard said he's getting skinny like a chick instead.
Howard said most of the guys on that show are in good shape. Robin said they have the one little guy who isn't. Howard said he has a penile dysfunction. Howard said one guy's job is listed as ''hipster.'' Howard said most of the guys are assholes. He said they're just goofy. Howard said one guy went on a date with Jojo and she has a smoking hot body. Howard said they had to bring in a security guard to keep Chad from beating up the other contestants. Howard said it's such a great show. He said guys should watch this show. He said he thinks guys are watching the show. He said it's not gay to watch. He said there are hot chicks on it dating. He said guys like that too. Howard said he thinks it's important to watch the show.
Howard said he should have been able to seduce a lot of women even with that face of his. He said Jojo got rid of that hipster guy pretty quickly.
Ralph said this started about 2 months ago and something was popping that Howard heard. He said Howard told him to get to the doctor then. Howard said he feels he's very stressed out. Robin said she has an appointment today.
Howard said he almost fired Ralph for being sick. He said he was grossed out. He said he told him to stay out of his apartment. Howard said he told him to keep away from him.
Gary asked what Ralph is stressed about. Howard told Ralph to tell him. He said this is good. Ralph laughed. Ralph said it might be the best thing ever. Ralph said he wishes he could tell them. Howard said it's such a great stress. Howard said he is stressed out. Gary asked if he knocked someone up. Ralph laughed and said no. He said that would be a lot less stress. Ralph kept laughing.
Gary asked why it's so funny if it's stressing him out so much. Howard said if he told him he'd see why it's funny. Howard said it's stressing him out big time. Ralph said it's ridiculous on so many levels. Howard said it really shouldn't be causing him stress. Ralph said he's trying to figure it out and he keeps fucking it up more. Howard said he knows how much he's stressed out and that's why he thinks his ears are clogged. Robin asked why she's sick then. Howard said she's a ball of stress.
Howard said he would straighten Robin out in 3 seconds. He said he'd make her healthy. Howard said she's another one. He said the two of them are the same. Robin said she's in really bad shape if she's like Ralph. Howard asked if he's not comfortable telling Gary what he's stressed about. Ralph said he's not going to discuss it with Gary and 9 million people. Howard said he and Robin know why.
Ralph said he may be up early but he's not high. Howard said he's going to tell everyone. He said that his Iron Man action figure fell on the floor and he's stressed out by that. Ralph wasn't talking about the real thing.
Ralph said that he called to tell him why Hulu is so great. He said he watches Seth Meyers every night because it's right there. Howard said a guy on the phone said it's a worthless platform. Howard picked up on that guy and the guy said he's never been able to watch anything on the service. Ralph asked if he's retarded. He said it keeps your favorites. He asked how you can't work Hulu, dummy.
Ralph said Amazon is great because you can download the shows to your iPad. He said he has a bunch of apps that are less than the cost of cable.
The caller, Gus, said that the guy who is a dummy is the guy who said he has a secret but won't talk about it. Ralph said he inherited 10 million and he's not sure what to do with it. Robin said she can help with that.
Howard took a call from Jim from Raleigh who asked who Ralph is leaving everything to and asked if he has a will. Ralph said he doesn't have a will. He said that he's not sure who he's leaving stuff to. He said he has some expensive stuff. Ralph asked if he put the Iron Man helmet in his will for him. Howard said he didn't. Ralph said that he said he would. Howard said Ashley might like it.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who asked how a guy without a job has stress. Ralph said he does have a job and he could have stress if he doesn't have a job. He said he's not sure what that means.
Ralph said Howard should ban Jeff the Drunk for erasing that Periscope the other day. Captain Janks said that High Pitch Erik is back to threatening people. Howard said they herd about that the other day. Janks said they should ban him for the summer. Howard said he likes checking in with him too much.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing a Ralph impression. Then he broke into his Gary impression and talked about the apps he has. He said he has an app that shows where all of the Vinyl shops are. He went back into his Ralph laugh and Howard said he isn't sure who's talking. Howard let the two Ralphs go after that.
Howard said he read that Roger Clinton was arrested again. He said that the Clintons must be really embarrassed by him.
Howard said if he was going to make a documentary it would be about porn stars or transgender or something like that. Howard said there would be a lot of nudity. Howard said all of the trouble Katie Couric is in isn't worth it. Howard said she must be sitting there thinking about how she shouldn't have done the show. Howard said he isn't doing anything that isn't going to make him money and a documentary isn't going to make money. Robin said Roger and Me was the only one that did. Howard said that Michael Moore makes these movies and one was a commercial success and now everyone thinks they can make money.
Robin said she came out of the elevator yesterday and someone was getting their picture taken. Robin said she saw someone in front of the Step and Repeat. Robin said she walked through and she saw a grey haired man and it was Tom Brokaw. Robin said he got into the elevator with her so she kept quiet. Howard said Tom hates them. Robin said she figured she should keep quiet. Howard said Tom is a serious news man so he doesn't have any frivolity in his life.
Howard said he was reading about that woman known as Shawskank. Howard said there's a book out about her and they say she's rubbing all over the guys in prison and things like that. Howard said they say she was baking cookies and bringing in McDonald's for the prisoners. Howard said she looks like Bruce Vilanch. Howard said she was making out with the guys and all of that. Howard read some quotes from the book about what she was doing with the prisoners. Howard said maybe after a couple of months in jail she looks like Megan Fox or Pam Anderson. Howard said then you get out and realize you just fucked a dude almost.
Howard said never go to jail, not even for a day. He said just behave. Howard said now they're doing an investigation about how no one knew that they were digging out of the prison for 85 nights in a row.
Howard said he's reading Sammy Hagar's book and it's really good. Howard said he downloaded it on Kindle. Howard said his childhood is really nutty. He said he's up to the part where he's speaking to aliens from outer space.
Howard said speaking of aliens he has a clip of Richard Simmons calling a radio show to talk about how to speak to aliens. It was Sour Shoes calling the show as Richard Simmons. The host got upset with him calling in and goofing around like that. Sour called in a bunch of times and kept the guy going. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard asked what he can do for her. Cathy said she wants to take his bank account and build a strip club with it. Howard asked what she's on. He said she sounds high. Cathy said she's had nothing but bad luck in her life. Howard asked if she still has the hot dog truck. She said they impounded her truck so no. She said she's going to sue Nassau county. Howard said it's over and she has to get her shit together. Howard said she can't be a stripper. He said even Babe Ruth retired at some point. Cathy said she wants to start her own strip club and she's going to rob his bank account to do it. Howard thanked her and let her go after that.
Howard said her tag line is ''Get some wiggle with your wiener.'' Howard said they sent Memet out to interview her once but the tape was fucked up so it didn't work.
Howard said he was never asked to speak at a graduation but Jon Hein spoke at Michigan University a few years ago. Howard said that's a pretty good school. He said Jon was introduced as a pop culture expert. Howard said if he shelled out hundreds of thousands of dollars for his kid he'd be annoyed if he saw a pop culture guy speaking at graduation. Howard said he's been asked to speak at a college but not for a graduation. Howard said he's not sure what he'd talk about. He said Matt Damon spoke at MIT. Robin said that's because he played someone who worked there. Howard said he was only in the movie.
Jon Hein came in and said he was honored to be asked to speak there. Howard said he has no qualifications to speak. Jon said he thought it was a big honor and he gave advice on his equation of ''talent plus persistence equals luck.'' Howard asked if he had echo on his voice. Jon said he did. Howard said if you give a speech and speak slowly with the echo it can sound important. Howard said people would applaud. Howard said he doesn't think he could do that. Howard did an impression of what that would sound like if he did.
Howard said Mel Gibson spoke at Liberty University. Howard said only Jerry Fallwell would have him there. Howard said he figured he'd be asked to speak at Nazi University. Howard had some audio of Mel making his speech. Mel was rambling about being there 12 years before. Howard asked if anyone there had heard his racist and anti-Semitic rants. Howard asked where they dug him up.
Howard said Mel's speech has to be better than Jon Hein's. Howard played more of Mel's speech and said this guy is droning. Robin said this is what they're like. Howard played some of Mel's rants that his girlfriend recorded. In one he tells her to just smile and blow him. Howard said that's what they want to hear. Howard played more of that where Mel is panting and yelling at this woman. Mel was yelling at her about how he deserves to be blown first and things like that.
Howard played more of Mel's speech at Liberty University. Howard said he'd rather have the dishonest cunt speech. Howard played more of his rants that his girlfriend recorded. Robin said that's too funny. Howard did an impression of what that would sound like if he was making that part of his speech at Liberty.
Howard said Ryan Seacrest spoke at the university of Georgia. Howard wondered what he told the students. Howard said it was probably ''work hard and be bland.''
Howard read about Michael Bloomberg, Hoda, Spike Lee, Hank Azaria and other celebrities who spoke at various colleges. Howard said James Franco spoke at one. Howard wondered what he talked about.
Howard made another speech as himself and said that he's a brainless celebrity who has no credentials to be there but he's wearing a robe and a smart guy cap with a tassel on it so they'll listen to him. He said that they will clap if he speaks slowly with an echo.
Howard kept going with his speech making stuff up as he went along. Fred played music behind him and had the audience applauding him. Howard was using lyrics from songs as his speech and speaking slowly so it sounded important.
Jon said he had a Game of Thrones reference in his speech. Howard played more of Mel Gibson's speech from Liberty University. Howard congratulated Jon on his huge accomplishment. He said now go back and talk to Gary for 4 hours.
Howard took a call from a guy, Chad, who asked if he thinks JD might have autism. Howard asked what the definition of autism is. Howard said he's not sure. Chad said that he looked up some symptoms and JD has some of them. He read them off to Howard and JD had a bunch of the symptoms. Howard said JD is autistic. JD thanked Dr. Stern for the diagnosis. Howard said it does seem to fit JD but also him and Fred. Robin said they don't have a problem with language though. Howard said JD can't speak. JD said he can speak sometimes. He said it really slowly. Howard said that was even tough for JD. Howard had him say it again while he had echo on his voice. It sounded much more important. Howard played a song parody about JD and then went to break.
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Howard said he has had two flats in the past few weeks. Howard said his buddies had to take care of that. Howard said it takes a long time to do it too. Howard said he just stands around and acts like he knows what he's doing. Howard said he will try to help and get his hands dirty and he'll stop. Howard said he'll read the directions.
Howard said JD doesn't know how to drive a stick shift. Howard said he claims he can fold his laundry. Howard told Gary to bring some in for him to fold. Howard said JD is full of shit. JD said he can fold laundry. JD said he may not fold it up to his standards though. Howard said he guarantees he just rolls it in a ball and throws it in the closet. JD said he has had to do it for a long time. He said in Florida he had to do it all the time. Robin said that makes no sense. Howard said his clothes are always crumpled when he comes to work. Gary said he has sweatshirts and t-shirts now. Howard told him to bring them in.
JD came in and Gary brought in the stuff to fold. JD was folding up the clothes and he was doing fine. Howard said he really does know how to do it. Howard said he's a folding maniac. Howard said now he has something for him to do around there. Howard said he has to bring in all of his laundry to fold. Howard said he apologizes for that. JD said he finally got one.
Howard said JD says he can't iron a shirt. JD claims he can jump start a car. He can make a bed. He said he doesn't do it a lot though. JD can't scramble eggs. Howard asked if he's serious about that. JD said he is. Howard asked if that bothers him. JD said no. He said he just buys prepackaged food from the store.
Howard said they asked if he can make spaghetti but he said no. Howard said he can't even boil water. JD said he has done the Ramen noodle thing before. Howard said it's so easy to make spaghetti.
Gary came in and said that they found a thing about Asperger syndrome and JD meets all of the criteria. Gary read off some of the symptoms and JD had a lot. Howard agreed. Howard said JD will start laughing in the middle of something that's not even funny.
Gary read more of the symptoms and they all sounded a lot like JD. JD told him to get the hell out of there. Howard asked if he's gained weight. JD said he hasn't but Howard said he has. He said his belly is so big he rests his arm on it. Howard said he has the double chin too. Howard said JD hates changing his routine. Robin said JD chooses a space where he won't be bothered by anyone. Howard said he has an inability to scramble an egg.
Howard said they asked if JD can mow the lawn. He can do that. Howard said they asked if he can open a bottle of champagne. JD said no to that. JD can't parallel park. Howard asked if he has a license. JD said he does. He said he doesn't remember having to do parallel parking. Howard said they have to do that. Howard said the guy who did his test made him do it on a hill.
Howard said one of the girls in the back has a brother with Asperger syndrome and he rocks like JD. JD asked what he wants from him. Howard said he doesn't want anything. He said maybe they can get him treatment.
Howard found out JD can do the Heimlich maneuver. JD said he had to do it on himself once. He said he was choking on a Gobstopper candy. He said he had to get it out and it worked.
Howard found out that JD can open a hood of a car. He can read a map. He can set a table. Howard said JD can not start a fire. Howard said JD doesn't know how to swim. JD said he doesn't know how to float. He said he knows how to do a kick thing. Howard said JD almost drown at that water park once. Howard said he could stand in that water and he would have been fine. JD said he didn't know where he was that time.
Howard said he wants to do a bachelor with JD. JD said no thinks. Howard asked if he's still with that girl. JD said he is. It's been like 2 years. Howard said he has a weird voice when he talks about that girl. Howard asked if she ever wants scrambled eggs after he bangs her. JD said they just order food.
Howard said JD is doing pretty well for a guy with Asperger. Howard played another clip of JD saying he can't tie a tie. Howard asked if he really can't tie a tie. JD said he can't. He said he's had to ask guys there to do it for him. He said he did it once after watching a YouTube video. He said he isn't sure if his girlfriend is able to do tie one. Howard said he heard that she's an athlete who runs a lot and JD stands at the end of the run holding her stuff. Howard said he should run with her. JD said it might get to that point. JD said he feels weird running. He said he feels weird with the way his body moves. Fred did his JD voice and said his tits bounce. Howard said just take small steps and he'll be fine.
Jason came in with a tie and asked JD to try. Howard said he doesn't want him coming in with bits. He said they know he can't tie a tie.
Howard said JD tripped over his own feet once in a softball game. JD said he never played again. Howard said JD thinks that boiling water makes smoke. Howard said that's steam. JD said whatever. Howard said now they know what JD can and can't do.
Howard said he can't believe JD still has that girlfriend. Howard said he never would have guessed that. Robin asked if JD is ever going to get married. JD said he can't imagine that happening while Howard is in his current contract. Howard said they have 5 more years there. Howard said that's a long time. JD said that his girlfriend wants to get a dog when they eventually live together. Howard asked when that will happen. JD said it might be happening soon. Howard asked if JD is moving. JD said he's not moving. Robin asked if she's transferring. JD said possibly. Howard said if she moves to New York then they live together. Robin asked how long they have to live together. Fred answered as JD answering in his high pitched ''I dunno'' voice. Fred played a song parody for JD by Daniel Mendelson.
Howard asked JD if he thinks about the proposal thing. JD said he has thought about some aspects of that. Howard wanted him to do it. JD said that's not happening. Fred did his impression of Ronnie proposing to Stephanie for a few seconds.
Howard asked JD if he can handle a dog if his girlfriend gets one. JD said he doesn't have an issue with dogs but he doesn't want to take care of anything. Howard said he can't have a kid if that's the way he's thinking. Howard said he should start with a hermit crab or something. Howard said he'd be better off with a cat so it's easier. JD said she's not a cat person. Howard said imagine JD with a dog. Robin said it'll be a disaster. Howard said a baby would be a disaster. Howard asked if he thinks about what his kid's name would be. JD said once he has to take care of something he's pretty good at it. Robin said that's not being a good dad. Howard asked JD to hurry up and make that happen. Howard said imagine JD Jr. Howard said that would be something. He said JD could be a dad. Howard said Fred did it. Howard said he seems to be doing a reasonable job.
Robin said Fred didn't lose his baby. Robin asked how Mad Dog could lose his baby. Howard thanked JD for coming in and let him go.
Howard said the host of the show had to apologize after asking a contestant who she would vote for. Howard played some of that and then the apology. Howard said it would have been great if the audience tore down the auditorium. Howard said he likes the guy explaining that the judges don't write the questions.
Howard said they made a phony phone call to a political show and used Miss USA pageant clips to ask questions. Howard played that call and the people on the political show passed on a question that was asked at the pageant. Robin wanted to hear more from the Miss USA pageant but Howard didn't have more.
Howard said people are so annoyed with Bobo because he calls himself an Extreme Fan and he doesn't know what happened on the show the day before. Howard said Bobo was so upset that he called in and left a voicemail about it. Howard played that and said he has a retention problem and he has senior moments. He said that it's breaking his heart and he's wrecked over it. Howard said Bobo is no longer an extreme fan.
Howard had Bobo on the phone. Bobo said he came to see Howard on the day the world was going to end. Howard said Bobo is ridiculous. Howard said he decided to come down there. Howard said the whole premise is that he listens every day but Bobo doesn't listen every day. Bobo said he's listening today. Howard asked who gave a commencement speech at Liberty University. Bobo said Jon Hein. Howard said it was Mel Gibson. Bobo said he was listening. He knew JD might have Asperger.
Howard played a song parody about Bobo not being a superfan anymore. Bobo said he has something called the Bowie syndrome that makes you forget stuff. Howard played another couple of song parodies about Bobo not being a superfan anymore. Howard said there are a million songs.
Bobo said he loves the show and he listened to all of it yesterday. Howard played another song parody. Bobo said he has to say one thing. He said he hasn't changed a flat tire in 15 year. He said you have a foot pump in the car to pump up a tire to get to a gas station. He said you can do that unless it's a blow out. Howard thanked him for that and said he has to get to Jim Breuer. Howard said they have a lot of stuff to talk about. He said he put out a rock record. He said that it's sort of comedy. He said Brian Johnson from AC/DC is on it. Howard played some of the Brian Johnson song from the album ''Songs From the Garage''. Howard said they'll talk to Jim about that after the break. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and asked what happened to Bob Seger. He asked if he's a recluse or something. Robin said maybe he retired. Howard said maybe he did. Howard said he had some good songs. Howard said he really likes this version by Metallica.
Howard said that Jim Breuer is there now. Howard said he used to be a comedian. Howard said now he's a rock star. Howard played an AC/DC song for him to sing. Jim did his Brian Johnson voice and sang a little. Howard asked if AC/DC had asked him to fill in for Brian would he have turned it down. Jim said that never would have happened. Howard said it was funny when that whole thing went down. Howard said Jim was the only one talking to Brian about it. Howard said Brian was having hearing problems and he wasn't about to hear the songs as they played. Jim had Brian singing the wrong song to the music that Howard was playing. Jim had Howard cracking up.
Howard asked Jim what happened when all of that was going down. Jim said he had read the headlines in the paper about Brian taking time off from the band. Jim said he found out about that and then read that they were looking for a new singer. Howard said that's hard to believe. Jim said it didn't make sense to him. Howard said they got Axl Rose to do it and it was very odd. Jim said it is very odd as a fan. Jim said that Howard has met Brian. He said you can go in and burn his house down and take his wife and he'd be fine with it. He said he doesn't sweat any of it. He said Brian would just say he had a great time.
Howard asked how Brian got the call about it and what went down. Jim said he doesn't know anything officially. He said unofficially he saw when it all went down. He said he was doing what Howard is doing. He said he was asking why they were looking for a singer. He said Brian told him about his hearing problem. He said he's not upset. He said he was upset with the situation. Robin said you expect something from your co-workers. Jim said as a fan if you're sitting there and Brian can't hear then you get together and make the big announcement. He did an impression of the band making the announcement.
Howard said he read that Brian is crushed that he's out of the band. Jim said he is. He said that was his life. Howard asked if this is forever or just temporary. Jim said only time will tell. He said that he went to see Brian in Florida when he was down there. He said Brian is the funniest guy. He said he kept saying ''Huh? What?'' when he was talking to him.
Howard said he was told that Brian said he wants to start a stand up career. Jim said that's true. He said he is hands down the funniest. He said that Tracy Morgan is funny naturally. He said Brian is too. Howard said Jim knows how it's different being funny on stage. Jim said it is. He said Brian told him a story once about Karaoke. He said Brian tells him he was with a bunch of old fuckers and this old lady says they all have to sing karaoke. His wife signed him up anyway. Jim said Brian had a few drinks and he was feeling nice and boozy. He said Brian says he's never done karaoke. He said that he fucked up the beginning of the song. He asked Brian what he was singing. He said the woman says they have a beginner up there and they have to start all over. He said that he was singing ''Tutti Frutti'' and he screwed up the beginning of it.
Howard asked Jim about how he got started and if he was doing other comedian's material. Jim said he was. He said he did Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. He did his Richard Pryor impression and did some of that for Howard. Howard said that's a great impression. Jim did the impression as Pryor goofing on Bill Cosby. Jim said he wishes he was still around to do that. Howard said maybe Chris Rock would do something like that.
Howard asked Jim if Brian Johnson needs to be able to hear to do comedy. Jim said he could do Kinison's material since he screamed. He did an impression of what that might sound like. He had Howard cracking up again as he did the Kinison material. Howard said this is a great routine. Howard said Brian Johnson doing Sam Kinison material. Jim kept going. He was mixing up the Kinison material with AC/DC songs. Howard said that he's on to something. He said he should be Brian's manager. Jim said he would murder with that.
Howard said when Jim played the Juggalo thing how did that come about. Jim said he's scared about that. He said he hasn't told his wife about it. Howard said if they don't like him they will throw shit at him. Jim said he thought it was a hip hop thing at first. Howard was still laughing at the Kinison material being done by Brian Johnson. Howard asked if he gets worn out by that. Jim said not at all. He said he gets nutso.
Howard said he heard a story about Jim and his teenage daughter. Howard said he has a new album out that he'll plug later. Howard said he did a bit about his teen daughter. Howard asked if it's true that he tracked her down. Jim said she just turned 17. Howard said he's a strict dad. Jim said he's very close to calling it a day so don't bring home a baby. He said he's tired of living on the road and all of that. He said that he wants to retire. Howard said he wants to get out at some point. Jim said he wants to live life.
Howard asked if the 17 year old has a boyfriend. Jim said she does and he's a good kid. He said his daughter is good. He said she dates the good guys. Jim said when you have teenage girls his wife is more about the god thing. He said that he tells his kid to not get addicted and not get knocked up. Jim said he doesn't want her going out and doing all of that stuff.
Howard said Jim doesn't let his daughter see the boyfriend during the week. It's only on the weekend. Jim said he comes home and gets knocked down over that. He said they wait for him to come home and then come after him. He said his wife sounds like a beaten down donkey. He did an impression of what that sounds like. Jim said he lets her vent. He said that lasts a little while. He said she tells him he has to talk to them. Jim did more of the donkey sound.
Jim said when his daughter started dating you look for signs. He said you have to be a therapist, a CSI agent, a referee and all of that. He said he has to figure out whose side to take. Jim said they're good cop, bad cop. Jim said he put a tracker on his daughter's phone. Jim said she was working and she says she has 3 jobs. Jim said she works 8 hours a week doing these 3 jobs.
Jim said she's at work and he picks her up. He said she asked if the boyfriend can pick her up. Jim said he was instantly pissed. He said that she gets up and tackles this kid. He said she's like a cat. He said then they move to the couch and they're laying down. He said he tells her to get off the fucking couch. He said that the boyfriend doesn't respect him. He said the kid is dry humping her in front of him. Howard said the guy should respect that.
Jim said that the kid asks for the boyfriend to pick her up. He said there are signs that something is going on. He said that she asks to be picked up and he says okay but she has to come straight home. He said the place is a mile away. Jim said that time goes by and it's 30 minutes later. He said that he puts the tracking device on and any parent can get it. He said he sees they're at a park in town and it's pitch black in the park. He said he had to drive there. Jim said he got in the car and drove out to the park in town. Jim said he pulls up and sees where they're parked. He said he has a truck and he pulls up and never thought he'd be that dad. He said he was steaming. He said he puts the car in park and opens the door. He said the kid opens the door of the truck and says hi. He walked to her side of the truck and opened the door. He told her to get in the fucking car you sneaky mother fucker. He said she's all ''Jesus Christ dad!'' He said that he tells her to get into the fucking car. Howard said Jim is almost doing a Jack Nicholson face as he's doing the voice of his daughter. Jim did his Nicholson voice and tells the kid to get into the car.
Jim said he asked if the boyfriend knows the rule about seeing him during the week. Jim said that he says no. Jim said he hears his wife doing the donkey thing in the background. He said she's the enforcer. Howard said he wasn't fucking around. He said that he read her the riot act. Jim said he did. He said she gets in the car and she's traumatized. He said she doesn't like when he's pissed or angry or hurt. Howard said it's funny when he goes into a routine. Jim said he loses it. He said he curses. He said they're actually very close. He said he gets pissed because he told her to come straight home. He said they can see each other on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He said that he will get upset if she ends up having a baby at 17. He said he'll end up raising the kid. Jim said he has his mother now and he doesn't need that.
Jim said he got into a fight with the place his mother is at. He said they had to find a place for her. He said that they didn't have any Medicare beds for her there at this place. Jim said he gets ugly when he's angry.
Howard asked Jim about his wife getting a mastectomy. Jim said she got cancer again. He said they got rid of it again. He said the first toughest part was losing the hair. He said she was crying in the shower. Jim said that is the moment that hurt for him to see her crushed like that. Jim said you can't do anything to help. He said she's much better now. He said going through that some of the best things in their life have happened. He said it's like lemonade from the lemons. He said they laugh so hard now. He said without her he wouldn't have been able to pull off the album. He said last year he was doing these Mets recaps on YouTube. He said it turned into this madness. Howard said he watched them and saw him throw out the first pitch which was a really good one. Howard said he threw a strike unlike Baba Booey. Jim said he didn't want to be like that.
Jim said they were laughing so much during the Chemo thing. He said people were getting angry at it. Jim said he'd goof around with his wife about the hair loss thing. Jim said Chemo day sucks. He said she'd come home looking like an alien. He said that he's watching the first Mets game and a woman tells him he has to start tweeting and make videos every day. Jim said he started doing that in January. He said April came and his wife is doing Chemo. He said her head is leaning over and she's got no hair and can't even He-haw. He said that he's watching the first Mets game of the season. He said the Mets are doing really well and every game to him is like game 7. He said that it brought the family together. He said his wife is giggling with no energy. He said she tells him that this is what he should be making videos of. He said his wife says this is so funny and this is what he should do. He said he thought about how fucking brilliant that is.
Howard said Jim is a big fan of the Mets and they will spray champagne all over but they cover up the house with plastic. Howard said Jim did the same thing in his house. Jim said it wasn't his house. It was a friend's house. He said his friend's name is Anthony. He said they're there with the team and someone had champagne. He said they had to pretend they were in the clubhouse. He said they had to do that. Howard asked if he is a happy man. Jim said he is. He said he has this album out and life is good.
Howard asked if the album is the most exciting thing he's ever done. Jim said it's way more exciting than Saturday Night Live. He said that was exciting at the time. He said if he were go to back now he would have loved to be on the show 15 straight years. He said he wasn't mature enough. He said he was angry and pissed. He said he was upset that people didn't like him and he didn't like them. He said even Lorne told him that he was way too nice for this.
Jim said he had to figure out if he was going to be like Jack Black in Tenacious D or what. He said he wanted to put out real songs but he had to do some that were kind of funny. He said he did one called ''Be a Dick Tonight.'' Howard said the name is funny. Jim said that's the one funny song on the album. He said that's the guy who is going out and you know he's going to be an asshole.
Howard asked if he's going to do this song for the Insane Clown Posse concert. Jim said this would be great for that. He said this is his wife's favorite song. Howard played some of the song.
Howard said Jim has to be in a band. Jim said he started off in a rock club. Howard said maybe he should go up and play this stuff. Jim said he might have to take a hit and do that. He said he thinks he'd murder doing that.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie talking to a guy at an Insane Clown Posse concert where the guy talked about seeing about 100 people killed at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Howard said he has talked to other people who say that's not true. Jim said he's heard it was rougher in the past. He said he's not sure why they'd ask him to do it if they didn't like him.
Howard asked if he wrote a song about raising teenage girls. Jim said he did. He said they're making videos for these songs too. He said that they're coming out soon. He said the record company put up the money for the videos. Jim said that the producer is a monster and he's in a band called Volbeat. Howard played some of the song about raising teen daughters. Howard said he's really hung up on this stuff. Howard said look at you. He said he's a rock star. Jim said that he had this guy Rob Caggiano coaching him and he changed his life. He said the guy is amazing.
Jim said that Howard has to see Brian Johnson record. He did some stuff with him in Florida. He said they did 4 songs down there. He said the producer is so meticulous and he wants it to be amazing. He said the producer is killing his lyrics. He said they go to Brian's house and he shows him the lyrics. He said Brian puts on his glasses and checks them out. He said Brian listens to the songs and says it's bread and butter. He said he just wants to go to dinner. He said Brian drove himself to the studio. He said Brian doesn't even care about driving himself. He said Brian comes in by himself. He said he doesn't have an entourage. He said Brian shows up and listens to some songs and then goes out to smoke before recording. Jim said he's looking at him as one of the greatest guys he's ever known. He said that Brian stood in the room with the knobs as they were in there singing. He said he would do takes over and over to get it right.
Howard asked if that's how Jim records now. Jim said that's what he wanted to do but the producer didn't let him do it. He said he wanted to be sure he was okay with the song. He said Brian said he trusted him to do the right thing. He sent it to him but he never fucking listened to it. Howard played some of the song he was talking about. Howard said Jim duets with him on it. Jim said he comes in after Brian. Howard said it's hard to tell the difference.
Jim said he didn't want to waste any of Brian's time. He said he is a mimic so he asked a guy to go in and sing what he's supposed to sound like. He said he'll just mimic that. He said that they did the same thing with Brian. He said when Brian came in he was listening and records. He said he did the playback and Brian thought that his own voice was his voice. Jim said they got confused and couldn't tell who was who. Howard said he has trouble telling which one is which. Howard played more of the song and thought Jim's voice was Brian's voice.
Howard said Jim did a nice job hanging with that guy. Howard said he's done it again. Jim said he had no choice. Howard said he does it all. Howard asked if he's making any money. Jim said he hasn't yet. He said he has a whole show though so he thinks that it'll be good. Howard said he's going to check out his video. Jim said he won't watch it. Howard said he swears he will. Howard gave him a plug for his album ''Songs From the Garage'' and for his web site OfficialJimBreuer.com
Howard said he always loves seeing Jim. Jim thanked him for seeing him. Howard gave some advice for the boyfriend of his daughter and told him not to knock up the daughter. Howard wrapped up with Jim and went to break a short time later. They played Imagine Dragons performing ''Radioactive'' in the Howard Stern Show studio as they were going to break.
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Howard took a call from a woman who said that was an awesome show with Jim. Howard said he's so funny. The caller said that she has a new show for Howard. It's The Girlfriend Experience. Howard said they already watch it. Howard said they're a few episodes behind. Howard said Elvis Presley's granddaughter is in it. He said she's naked and fucking guys in it. Robin asked where they see that. It's on Starz. Howard said she's real naked. Howard said he's only on episode 3 or so and he's worried the show isn't going to stay good. Howard said he's going to watch it as long as the granddaughter is naked in it.
Howard said they're going to do the news and have Bernie Sanders sit in. Howard said that he is in the studio today. Fake Bernie said hello to Howard and Robin. Bernie said he's not the real one. Howard thanked Fred for that. Howard said he thought he was in California campaigning. He said he is an he should know he's not the real Bernie Sanders. Bernie had a song parody about Robin that he sang to her. It was just clips of Fake Bernie that Fred was playing.
Robin started her news with a story about Taylor Swift breaking up with another guy. Robin said it sounds like it was the guy who broke it off with her. Howard said all of these guys get physical with her and they break up. Howard said she must have a horrible personality or she has a penis. Howard said maybe she has some weird smell or breath or vagina. Howard said she's rich and maybe it's her breath. Howard said lets say it's her breath. Howard said she's hot with a huge bank account. Howard said you have to wonder what it is that makes these guys break up. Howard said maybe they can only last that long. Howard said maybe she has a bad personality. Howard asked what it could be. Robin said they never hear from the guy what it's about. Howard said they must sign an NDA. Howard said he'd love to read a book about what it is. Howard said he wishes she'd come in there. Howard said he would evaluate her from head to toe and fix the problem. Fake Bernie said ''Yes!'' Howard asked if he would fuck her. He answered with the same yes.
Robin read a story about Burger King introducing the Whopperito which his a burger and burrito mash up. Robin wondered if that's a good move for them. Robin said Jon Hein isn't a fan but she wonders about that. Howard asked Bernie more questions and he kept getting the same responses so he told Fred that's enough. He said he thinks they can drop the bit.
Robin read about David Copperfield being sued. Robin said they say he might be worth $800 million. Robin said this guy who was a big fan of David's was picked to be in an audience participation thing and he was shocked that magic wasn't real. Robin said the guy apparently fell on the run and he sued Copperfield for not having a safe thing. Robin said the suit has been going on for 3 years now and the guy claims he's got brain damage from the fall.
Robin read a story about a case where a guy shot a girl because she turned him down for a prom date. Howard asked if you're allowed to do that. Robin said no. Robin said the guy was sentenced to 25 years in prison. Robin said he was in his teens and now he has to sit in prison for 25 years. Howard asked if anyone misses Bernie Sanders. Fred played the Bernie ''yes'' and some other clips. Bernie asked if he could take a pee break and farted.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the word about Taylor Swift is that she's completely A-sexual. He said that Harry Styles said that the sex was very bland. He said it's been reported several times. Howard said maybe Harry Styles isn't enough man to bring out her sexuality. The caller said maybe John Mayer could have. Gary said there is an article from RadarOnline where they say friends say that Harry said that. Howard said a lot of times it takes the right dude to unleash the sexuality of a woman. Howard said he's known to shut it down himself.
Robin read a story about a guy who was sentenced after being caught sexually assaulting a woman at a college. Robin said this 20 year old guy is facing those charges and got sentenced but people think he got a lighter sentence because his dad and a friend wrote to the judge and the dad referred to the rape as ''20 minutes of action.'' Robin said they're saying that this type of rape is different than someone being dragged out of a car. Robin said that it doesn't seem to show much compassion for the victim when you say things like that. Howard said when you see someone passed out you don't fuck them. He asked if that's obvious. Robin said the guy knew enough to run away when he got caught. Bernie asked what state that happened in. Robin said it was out in California. Bernie said ''Fuck those shit sticks, they didn't vote for me.''
Robin said the mother of the 3 year old who fell into the gorilla enclosure will not be charged with anything. Robin said they say that she was at fault when the child slipped away but it's not of a criminal nature. Howard said he was a hoverer with his kids. He said he did lose a few. He said he had 7 kids originally but now he only has 3.
Robin read a story about the Olympics and how they're trying to curb people's fear of the Zika virus. Robin said they are encouraging people to come to the event. Howard said he has been calling for the return of DDT and there are people who agree with him. Howard said now we have Zika and it's shrinking baby heads. Robin said they predict zero cases of Zika during the Olympics. Howard said they have a cure for this and it's called DDT. Robin read about how Savannah Guthrie skipping the Rio games because she's having a second baby. Howard said you can't send people to a game where there's a dangerous environment like that. Robin said other NBC employees are refusing to go because of the scare. Howard said Beetlejuice is willing to go. He wondered about him getting bit and growing a normal size head. Howard said it would be great if he got bitten by a mosquito and his head grows to the size of a beach ball. Howard said there is no in between. Howard said he's been talking about this DDT thing for a long time. He said this woman writes for the NY Post and she agrees with him.
Robin read a story about the Playboy mansion selling. Robin said it was up for sale but they had to agree to let Hugh Hefner stay. Robin said he gets to stay until he dies. Robin said the guy's name is Daren Metropoulos. Robin said that's Evan's brother. Robin said Evan used to come on the show. Robin said Daren is going to make it a whole estate instead of 2 properties when Hefner dies. Howard said Evan used to invite him on his private jet but he never took him up on it. Howard said he always had a whole scene going on. Robin said Evan and his brother are running the company now. Howard said that's what he would be doing if his father had anything.
Robin read about how Hillary Clinton has reached the number of delegates she needs to get the nomination. Fake Bernie clips said ''fuck her right in the pussy.'' Bernie said he's not stepping aside. Robin read more about that story.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Jim Breuer is one of the best comics he's ever seen in his life. He said it's nice to see a comic be the way he is. He said he's just a good guy. Howard agreed. He said he seems like a loving man.
Robin got back to election news and had some audio clips and updates about what's going on. Fake Bernie chimed in and said here's what he thinks about Donald Trump and ripped a wet fart.
Robin read about Donald Trump taking back some of his accusations about the judge in a case that he's involved with. Robin said Trump is confident that he can win the Hispanic vote.
Robin read a story about Arnold Schwarzenegger announcing that he's voting for John Kasich in the California primary. Robin said that Ronald Reagan's son Michael isn't voting for Donald Trump either. Robin said Mark Cuban is saying Trump isn't worth $10 billion either. Howard said that's going to start a Twitter war. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Fake Bernie said he thought this was commercial free radio. Howard said he wishes he would go away but he won't. Robin said this is like the election. Howard said he asked him to go away 20 minutes ago. Fake Bernie said ''no, no, no, no.'' Howard said he won't even go away if he turns down his microphone. Howard said it's crazy.
Robin read a story about Buzzfeed saying they won't run ads for Donald Trump. Robin said they terminated the agreement and now Trump's people are saying they didn't intend on using them anyway.
Robin read a story about John Oliver's HBO show investigating outstanding debt in this country and they found out about companies buying debt and they found technicalities that led to them buying $15 million in medical debt and forgiving it. Robin said they forgave the debt for about 9,000 Texans. Robin said it's the biggest giveaway in TV history. Howard said that's fucking generous. He asked if he went out and did a whole bit about it. Robin said he did. Howard said he'll have to watch that. Howard said he just saw that they bought the debt for $60,000. Robin said that's the way the debt thing works. Robin said the companies buy it cheap and then they go out and try to collect. Howard said they want to do the opposite of what John Oliver did. Howard said they want the 15 million.
Robin said Bobby Brown has written a book about his wife Whitney Houston and daughter Bobbi Christina. Robin said he's doing an interview for 20/20 that will air this evening. Robin had some audio to play from the segment.
Robin read a story about a psychologist who says that the dares people are doing online is threatening the lives of teens. Robin said that there's a fire challenge going on now and teens are encouraged to pour flammable liquid on their body and light a match and then post it to YouTube. Gary said he's seen some of those. He said they will run to a pool and sometimes they don't get there fast enough. Robin said some teens have been burned or died. Robin said there are other challenges like eating cinnamon without water and things like that.
Howard was talking about how bummed he was that the Beverly Hills Hotel had Sharia Law and people were boycotting it. Benjy found out that the boycott is over. Howard sounded relieved to hear that. He loved staying there when he went out there.
Robin read a story about a senator who says that a man who beat a man for raping his wife should be honored. Robin said the all charges should be dropped according to this senator. Robin said the mayor says they have no intention of doing that.
Howard said he read that story and he was wondering what they were basing the story on. Howard said the criminal was in the hall and in an elevator. Howard said the law says that it's after the fact and he's not in the apartment. He said you're not allowed to attack him. Howard said that's the law. He said he thinks it's silly but that's the law. Robin said put yourself in that man's shoes. Howard said he's just saying what the law is. Howard said he'd want to go get the guy too. Robin asked if his wife had to sleep with another man would he be able to sleep with her again. Howard said he doesn't want that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Muhammad Ali funeral happening later this week. Robin read about some of the people who will be there. Robin said Will Smith will be a pallbearer. Howard said he doesn't think about his own funeral. Howard said some people think about that ahead of time. Howard said he has no wishes. He said he doesn't even want to contemplate it. Robin said she doesn't give it two thoughts. Robin said she thinks about being cremated and how she doesn't care if they just throw the ashes in the nearest dumpster. Robin said a lot of people do think about this. Howard said he's going to have Benjy be one of Robin's pallbearers. Robin said she's not being buried.
Robin read a story about how fish can recognize faces. Robin said JD should start out with a fish as a pet. Howard said he had fish and they do recognize you. He said it was crazy. He said he had no idea they had any recognition. He said one fish jumped out of the tank when he recognized him. Howard said don't get a fish tank. He said it was the biggest nightmare. Howard said it cost a bundle and it was a nightmare. Howard said he had a fish guy who helped. He said all of the fish died in one tank. They got him new fish and then they jumped out when he got new ones. Howard said it was like fish Auschwitz. Howard said he got a company that was legit and it cost him like 50 times more. He said that worked and it was nice. He said then he got depressed with them stuck in the tank so he liberated them. He told the fish guy to put them back in the ocean. Howard said he got rid of the tank. He said he designed it to look like the inside of the movie Aliens alien ship. Howard said he didn't like that the fish were jumping out of the tank all the time. Howard said he's not sure how the guy stayed in business. It was depressing. He said to clean the tank the guy had to get in a wet suit and get inside. He said he'd be trying to work and had a guy swimming around in the tank. Fake Bernie kept saying stuff and Howard kept asking Fred to please stop.
Robin read a story about how Tom Cruise hasn't seen his daughter in 3 years according to Richard Johnson. Howard said he doesn't believe that. Robin said they think because Katie Holmes and the daughter aren't Scientologists that he can't see them. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show talking about the ''Whoop, whoop'' clip. Howard asked about the ''Landslide'' song Fred played too. Howard said Natalie Maines is back with the Dixie Chicks. Howard said they're out on tour. Robin said he makes it sound like they're foreign to her. Howard said she's the lead. He said they have to wait for her.
Howard said he stayed up until 10 last night watching The Bachelorette. Robin said she watched Monday's show. She said it was one of the funniest shows she's seen. Howard said that guy Chad was all jacked up. He said all of the guys are idiots. Robin said she feels bad for her. She said no matter who she picks it'll be a bad choice.
Howard said he's in love with the soldier. Howard said he's the strong silent type. Howard said she's not marrying any of those guys. He said she's hot but she thinks she's hotter than she is.
Robin said somebody was an ex-swimmer. Howard said he wishes he had the list of jobs they have. Howard said one guy was thrown out who had a title of Electrical Engineer. Howard said the rest are like ex-swimmer, ex-football player and things like that. He said one guy was a hipster. Howard said if he were a woman he'd look for someone who might have a career and leave the house at some point. Howard said he wouldn't look for someone who is just famous.
Howard said he was out yesterday and people were talking about all kinds of things like Muhammad Ali. Howard said when he was alive and Joe Frazier was alive he was disturbed by Ali's racism toward black people. Howard said he lived through that. He said Muhammad Ali would say to Joe that he was a gorilla or an ape. He said that's what light skinned black people call dark skinned black people. Howard said when he would do that it really stuck with him. Howard said he saw that in Roosevelt. Howard said the dark skinned guys would start in and the light skinned would make fun of their skin color. Robin said it went the other way too. Howard said it did. Robin said that's all because of the culture. Robin said it became part of the culture. Howard said that's what Muhammad Ali was doing. Robin said Howard doesn't understand what goes on in the black community.
Howard said Robin was just the right amount of black. Robin said that's not true either. Howard said Ali would never ridicule her blackness. Robin said he never did it with regular black people.
Howard said it hurt Joe Frazier when Ali did that. Howard said he was fine with being called a shitty fighter or whatever but don't call him a gorilla. Howard said rest in peace Muhammad Ali though. He said that he was a flawed guy though. Robin said that's the point.
Howard said George Carlin had a great bit about Muhammad Ali. He said it was about how Ali is paid to beat up people but he won't go to Vietnam to kill people so the government says he can't beat up people. Howard said it's the best routine. He said Carlin was so brilliant.
Robin said there's going to be a national comedy museum and they'll have a hologram of George Carlin. Howard said he was reading about Carlin being a meticulous note keeper. Howard said he had extensive books so he could find his material. Howard said the daughter has been sitting with it forever. Howard said it's an interesting look into his mind. Howard said she just donated all of it to this museum. Howard said that way people can go see his process. Howard said it's very generous to do that. Howard said she didn't want it to be left in a house that could burn down or something.
Howard said that they're looking to put Jackie's stuff in there. Robin said Jackie almost lost a lot of his material in a flood. Howard said the comedy museum will be in Jamestown, New York.
Fred found a clip of Carlin doing the Muhammad Ali bit that Howard talked about. Howard had him play it. After listening to it he said that was great.
Benjy told Howard that there won't be a hologram of Carlin at the museum. Howard said that's good. He said he didn't want that. Howard said maybe they'll have Gallagher's hammer for smashing watermelon as the center piece.
Howard played a clip of a homeless lady announcing who they have coming in today. It was unintelligible again. Howard said that's funny. Robin said that woman is a hit. Howard said he likes her. He said he likes that no one knows what she said. Robin asked who is on the show. Howard said Rachel Butera is on the show. Howard said she was in the contest for the celebrity impressions. Howard said she moved to California and she's on that TV show with Dana Carvey where they evaluate impressions. Howard said she was up there doing phony phone calls for them the other day. Robin said she's happy that things are taking off for her. Howard said they'll find out if they really are.
Howard played more of the homeless woman's song. Robin asked how they can get her royalties. Howard said homeless people don't get royalties.
Howard said Hillary clinched the nomination finally. Howard said he saw on the news that Bernie Sanders got rid of half his staff. Howard said he is a nobody and people were paying attention to him. Howard said he can't get himself out of the limelight.
Howard played a fake Hillary clip where she thanked people for her nomination. Robin said here has never been a candidate elected who hasn't had any experience in politics. Robin said that Eisenhower had military experience at least. Howard said he was a general. Robin said he had experience. Howard said Trump is the only nominee who has never had experience or service.
Howard said Bernie Sanders won't go away. He said he just wants to shit on Hillary's parade. Howard said he agrees with him about the Super Delegate thing making people look like an idiot.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jennifer Lopez is a no talent. Howard said he doesn't get her. Robin said she's an icon. Howard asked if her TV show is still on. Robin said she thinks it was renewed. Howard said he didn't like it. Robin said she did. Howard said he can't believe her as a cop.
Howard said the homeless lady's song is better than J-Lo's song. Howard had Fred play her new song and then played the homeless lady's song. Howard said it sounds the same to him. Fred told Howard J-Lo's TV show was renewed. Howard said he didn't like it.
Howard said J-Lo thinks her shit doesn't stink. He said she thinks that she's above him on the show business ladder. He said maybe everyone in show business is but she doesn't have to be a dick wad to him. Howard said some people in show business are really nice but then some who sing are really on a high horse. Howard said he'd sing if he had that ability. Howard said he can't sing. Howard said don't look at him like he's no good. Howard said she's being all cunty with that big ass. Howard said that ass is too big. He doesn't care what people say. He said he's all for body shaming. He said he does it to himself every morning.
Howard said he got down about 2 more pounds and looked at himself in the mirror. Howard said he has that belly lip that hangs over. Howard said he's skinny but he has that fat that sticks out. Howard said he doesn't have time for that. Howard said there was a point in his life when he was doing 200 sit ups. He doesn't have time for that. He said he used to run 8 miles a day and things like that. Howard said it took a lot of time to do that stuff. Howard said someone said he's not eating enough. He said he was told he'd put on size. Howard said he went to a nutritionist. Howard said she put him on a diet and he started eating the food. He said he has a belly on him now. He said he's not sure what the hell is going on. He said he just doesn't have muscles.
Howard said he got rock star skinny and that doesn't work out either. Howard said his body doesn't know where to lose the fat. Howard said his ass is a disaster area. Robin said some people go the surgical route. Howard said he might have to do that.
Howard said that J-Lo is short and has a fat ass. He said she has a nice face and tits though. Howard said yesterday people were running around with their tits out. He said Ronnie called it ''Titty City'' yesterday. Howard said Ronnie comes out with the perviest shit. That led to Fred doing his impression of Ronnie talking about Titty City.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Fred's impression of Ronnie is so funny. He said he's glad Howard told that story. The guy said he took his Flat Ronnie out the other night and people thought it was a real guy. Howard said they have one in the green room and he thinks it's real Ronnie. He said it's a life size Ronnie and it looks like the real one. The caller said his son thought it was a guy standing behind him. Howard said you just have to do the impression as he's standing there. Howard and Fred did their Ronnie voices talking about Titty City. They were making up things that Ronnie could say. Howard said Fred was very close with the stuff he was coming up with. The caller was loving it.
The caller said he goes on Twitter and sees America's Got Talent stuff. He said he might have to unfollow him. He said it's one of those things where the guy you love got stabbed in the back. Howard said Simon is a cunt and a bad guy but he wishes the show well. Howard said he had a nice experience there. Howard said they were all nice to him when he was there. He said even the NBC executives were nice to him. Howard said one of the guys, Paul Telegdy, was really nice to him. The caller said Howie gets really annoying with the tweets. Howard said they did want him back and he didn't like that Simon was going behind his back trying to get his job. Howard said he did want to leave. If he didn't there would have been hell to pay.
Robin said Simon has the kid sitting on the couch in the back and that's the love child that he had with the friend's wife. Howard said he'd have to tune in if they were talking about where that kid came from. Howard said he likes that it's all sugar coated. Robin said that the other kids weren't on camera when they were back stage. Howard said maybe they're trying to make him seem more human.
The caller asked he can put him back on hold so he can listen to the show. Howard said this caller is weird. He said he's not into the answers to his questions. He said he keeps interrupting.
Howard said Robin went to the doctor and got checked out. He said she's fine. Howard said she called when he was in the middle of watching some old Soupy Sales shows. Howard said he was so great. Howard said he loved Soupy. Howard said he was Jewish and his last name was Supman.
Howard said that he's not watching America's Got Talent. He said he was on it and it's been ruined for him. Robin said she was just switching between that and other things. Howard said he's liking his time off. He said he's enjoying it as much as he possibly can. Howard said that's what he wants.
Tommy said you can be defenseless. Howard said that no one likes gun violence. Howard said guns are like airbags in cars. He said you don't think you need one until you do.
Robin said that she looked up the Sharia Law thing that they were talking about yesterday and it's still being held up. Howard said that's enough of that. They talked about that yesterday and Howard doesn't want to hear it.
Howard said he heard that Tommy has a mail order bride. Tommy said that Shuli made that up. Shuli came in and said he heard that she doesn't speak English. Tommy said he went to see Shuli and he kept looking at her and she was stone faced. He said she's Chinese. Howard asked if she's subservient. Tommy said it's the complete opposite. He said that she's not loyal like they say they are. Howard asked where he met her. Tommy said he met her on the internet. Shuli asked how many stamps it was to get her over there. Tommy said she was in college at the time.
Howard said that Shuli thinks she can't speak English but maybe she just didn't like his act. Howard asked what kind of web site he met her on. Tommy said it was on Craigslist. Howard said he didn't know you could get a chick on there. Tommy said he can't remember on what part he met her on. Howard asked if she's much younger. Tommy said he's 56 and she's 12 years younger.
Howard asked how long he dated her. Tommy said he was the one who put the ad on there. Howard said he's never fucked an Asian chick. Shuli said he did for 10 years. Howard said he would love to date one. Howard said he's trying to find a type of woman he's not into. Shuli said he had a black chick too. Howard told him to stop bragging.
Howard asked Tommy what he wrote on Craigslist. Tommy said it was something like White man looking for Asian woman. Howard asked if he was into Asian women. Tommy said at that time he was. Howard asked if he was really lonely. Tommy said he has no game. Howard asked how long it took to get a reply. Tommy said it was just a couple of days. He said they talked on the phone. He said she was there in Boston. Howard asked if she was the only one to reply. Tommy said he thinks so. He said they went out for like a month.
Shuli said he wants to know what else he's posted on Craigslist. Howard said on his Facebook profile it lists him as radio personality. Tommy said he did that. He said he thinks it's funny. Howard said come on. Tommy said he thinks it's funny. Fred played a ''Me so horny'' from ''Full Metal Jacket'' clip for Tommy.
Howard said he was told that Tommy used to be listed as married on Facebook but then he changed it to ''It's complicated.'' Tommy said he's a free man. Howard said she must live there and he has nobody. Howard said she probably found the next guy. Tommy said her daughter came and he loves her so she's going to stick around until she graduates high school. Howard asked if she can't put up with him. Tommy said she calls him a monster. Tommy said he wants her to do the dishes and work and she didn't want to do it. Howard said she got all American on him. Tommy said the stereotypes are wrong about the Asian women. He said that's unless he got the one who isn't like that.
Tommy said he still loves the woman. Howard said people will put up with pretty much anything. Tommy said you think things will change but then they don't. Howard said it might be time to do an Embedded with Tommy. Shuli said he heard that Joey Boots and Tommy got into it with each other after Joey visited Tommy and said his apartment was disgusting. Tommy said Joey is an asshole. He said they went to a Red Sox game and Joey had to go smoke. He said he went off when he wasn't able to smoke. Howard said that's a great story.
Howard said Tommy is all for an all Muslim ban in this country. Shuli said Tommy throws out a lot of stuff like that. Tommy said that just because you say the N-word doesn't mean you're a racist. Howard asked how he figures. Tommy said it's just a word. Howard said it sounds like he might have a problem.
Howard asked if he sleeps in the same bed as his wife. Tommy said he does but they don't have sex. Shuli asked if he offered to let Joey sleep in the bed. Tommy said he didn't.
Howard was shown a picture of Tommy and he said he didn't expect him to look like that. Shuli said he used to park outside the studio and just hang out. Howard said the more they talk to him the more they find out why his wife wants to leave him.
Howard said he has Joey Boots on the phone. He picked up on him. Howard asked Joey about Tommy's apartment. Joey said it's disgusting. He said there's cat hair everywhere. He said he goes to the soup kitchen and his freezer is full of bread from the soup kitchen. Howard said Tommy invited Joey into the bed with his wife. Joey said he was sleeping in his daughter's bed and he was told he had to leave the door open. He said he was told he can sleep on top of the bed naked if he wants. He said the guy is disgusting. He said he hated the guy. Joey said that's why they don't hang out. Tommy said that he didn't want to hang out with him. Joey said High Pitch Erik is a much more stand up guy than Tommy. Tommy said that doesn't mean anything coming from him.
Howard said sometimes this can go wrong when the listeners meet outside the show. Joey said Tommy was using the N-word about his neighbors and wanted to get out of that apartment he lives in. Tommy said he's making shit up now.
Joey said he has to talk to Howard about Erik. He said he started a GoFundMe to get Erik out to L.A. He said they're back to talking. He said Erik is his best friend. Shuli asked why he's starting that GoFundMe if he has that money now. Joey told him not to spend his money. He said if Erik doesn't get the money then he'll pick up the rest. Joey said go to his Twitter @JoeyBoots and you can help out. He said they're going to go out to L.A. and do a bunch of things. Howard said that sounds like a great cause. Howard said it's getting a vacation from vacation. Joey said Howard and Robin should be donating. He said all of the entertainment that they've given people over the years. Howard said he's right. Tommy said now Joey is spending Howard's money.
Howard said he was going to give some money to cancer kids but he'll have to give to Erik now. Joey said Erik is a disabled adult to he needs some help.
Gary asked why they can't tell Joey how to spend his money but he can tell Howard how to spend his. Joey said Howard has more. Shuli said he knows what kind of money Joey got. Joey said he doesn't have fuck you money. He told Howard to open his pockets and donate some money. He said he's asking for Erik not for himself.
Howard said he heard Joey passed out on a subway platform and broke his nose and teeth. Joey said he broke his ribs and pinkie too. He said he was got up too quick and he face planted on the platform. Howard said he has to go take a break now. He let Joey go and Tommy go a short time later. Tommy was asking for help getting girls but Howard didn't think he could help. They played Tommy off with a theme song. They went to break after that.
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Howard said that was one of those guys who didn't understand what it was like to be on the air. Howard said it wasn't easy to make a living there but he was fucking bankrupt. Howard said he was living paycheck to paycheck. Howard said he had to lie about his income to get an apartment.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a Fuck, Marry, Kill for him. He gave him Bill Maher, Simon Cowell and Roger Waters. Howard said he'd get rid of Simon Cowell, he'd fuck Roger Waters and Marry Bill Maher. He said he despises Roger Waters for hating the Jews. He said that Simon fucked another guy's wife and got her pregnant. Howard said that's why he'd get rid of him. He said he'd have to marry Maher. He said he's not attracted to him in the least.
The caller asked how they can remember Howard properly when he passes. Howard laughed. Howard said he will be like Muhammad Ali and he wants Billy Crystal and Bill Clinton to eulogize him. The caller asked if we will be able to view his body. Howard said yes of course. Howard thanked the guy for the call and let him go.
Howard said imagine 7 people show up to view his body. Howard said it would be Mariann, Bobo and High Pitch Erik. Howard said when they got fired from NBC the most humiliating thing was watching the news and seeing the protest where 3 guys showed up. Howard said it was 3 guys protesting and it was comical. He said he was trying to get a petition going. Howard said that doesn't work.
Howard said he has some things to play. He said one listener took Jon Hein's audio book and had him say weird things. Howard said everything this guy sent in was racist. Howard said he turned Jon into a racist. Howard played a clip of Jon saying that it's nice walking into Arby's because they don't allow N-words in there. Howard played another one where he had Jon saying something about his butt hole. He had another one with the N-word in it. He had Jon talking about gulping down delicious jizz too.
Howard said over at MSNBC they have an alarm going off in the middle of a show. Howard said they do that there too. Howard said it goes off during the show but they figured out how to silence it. Howard played a clip where the alarm was going off at MSNBC. Howard said that might be the boring alarm that Fred plays. The alarm keeps going off while they're trying to do the show. Howard said that might be the alarm showing they just reached 300 viewers.
Howard said they're talking to someone from the Libertarian party in that clip. Howard said no one votes for them. He said he's not sure why they're still around. Gary said they have one on their staff. He said it's Brent. Benjy said he is too. Howard said of course he is. Howard said that he bets Benjy doesn't know anything. Benjy said he can ask him anything. Howard asked who their candidate for President is. Benjy knew that one.
Howard had Brent come in and talk about the Libertarian party. Brent and Howard talked about why no one ever votes for the Libertarian party. Howard said now is the time for it to happen. Howard said they can't get any traction. Brent said they don't get any coverage at all. Howard and Brent talked about that for a short time. Howard said he doesn't get why they don't get the votes. Brent said it has to do with the coverage.
Brent said he wants to vote for Gary Johnson. Howard said he heard he got booed for supporting driver's licenses. Howard said he's all for that. Brent said he is too. He said it verifies who the person is. Howard said if they didn't have that kooky stuff maybe they'd get more votes.
Robin asked if Libertarians are in state houses and city councils. Brent said sometimes they are. Howard said he got the nomination when he ran for Governor. Howard said he threw his support to Patacki. Howard said it was a 3 way race and he was already at 18 percent before he even got the nomination from the Libertarians. Brent said Howard probably would have won. Howard said he thinks he would have.
Benjy asked Howard if it was a legal thing he dropped out for. Howard said he didn't want to disclose his finances. He said it felt weird to him. He said he didn't have anything to hide but someone might see what he was making and want to charge him more. He said he's embarrassed for doing well.
Howard said he was going to quit after getting a few things started in office. Howard said he was going to get rid of the tolls and do night time construction on the roads. Howard said he wanted to bring back the death penalty too. Howard said he was going to fill the potholes with the people put to death.
Howard asked why Trump hasn't released his taxes yet. Robin said he has done some. Howard said he has a guy on the phone who thinks this is the Libertarian's year. Howard picked up and the guy said he thinks this is the year that the Gary Johnson could get votes. He said if people start talking about it then it could happen. Howard said he doesn't know about that. Howard said it never seems to go anywhere with them. The caller said you have to start somewhere. He said this is the time for it to happen.
Brent said that when Ross Perot got into the debates they formed a group that keeps them out. Howard asked Brent why he lost when he ran. Brent said he ran on just the issues. He said he was honest with people the guy he ran against was a driving instructor. He said he got like 40 percent of the vote. He said he got 6,000 votes. Howard asked what went wrong. Howard said he was on the air with Bubba. Brent said that may have hurt it a little bit. He said that he was going to get rid of Red Light cameras. He said that they ended up getting rid of them. Howard said he would want those cameras. Brent said that they cause accidents because people slam their brakes on more when they think they might get a ticket.
Howard asked what he was running as. Brent said no parties are allowed in St. Pete so you just run as yourself. He said that he knew the guy he was running against. He said it was rough to go through all of that. Brent said he found $38 million in the budget to save and no one cared.
The caller said that people are looking for a big change and this is the time for that to happen. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard asked Brent how many jobs he's had. He said it seems like he's done it all. Brent said he likes to do a lot of things. Howard asked how old he is. Brent said he's 44. Howard let him go after that. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said Benjy got into the NY Times for doing that. Benjy said that he got hit with a chain at the first one. Howard read some of the article where they talked about what Benjy did.
Benjy asked if he's going to see the Weiner movie. Howard said it's funny his name is Weiner and he got into trouble for showing his wiener. Benjy said they have some news clips from the show in the movie. He said they're in two scenes. He said it's a really good movie. Howard said no one sees documentaries. Benjy said he thinks they will.
Robin said she went home and watched a documentary yesterday. She said it was American Masters and it was about Janice Joplin. Robin said it was great. Howard snored. He said he doesn't care about her that much. Robin said she really didn't understand what she was all about and it was really good. Howard said he'll never see it.
Howard said number 3 is Justin Timberlake. Howard played that and then played Breuer singing it as Brian Johnson. Howard said number 2 is from Designer. Howard played some of the real song and then Breuer singing it as Donkey. Howard said that's the album he should have put out.
Howard played number 1 which was Drake. Howard played Breuer doing it as Goat Boy and Brian Johnson. Howard and Robin were laughing. Howard said he could listen to that all day.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was checking out some photos on his web site and asked if there is a flat Howard floating around somewhere. She said he's in the same position in every photo with guests. Howard said he discovered that if he sits next to a guest and Jason stands on a milk crate to take the picture he can get a picture he can stomach. Howard said that's why he's in the same pose. He said he will be locked in that position from now on. Howard said that he has one angle he can sit in. He said that it will never change.
Howard said he used to stand up next to people and he looked like Gigantor next to them. Howard said it's the exact same picture every time now. Howard said that's the pose he can stomach. He said that if he turns just a few degrees left or right then it's off.
Howard said the guests don't know he still has 2 more hours of show to do. He said that he rushes through it every day. Howard said he used to laugh reading about people like Barbara Streissand switching the whole set around so she'd have her good side shown. Howard said that's when you know you're not good looking. Howard said Rosie O'Donnell had to change her whole set. Howard said he knows it doesn't make that much of a difference. Howard said Letterman had a good set. He said he never looked that bad on his show. Howard said it's very important to him.
Howard said he wont put up a bad picture of himself. He said he's being honest. Howard asked if he's good looking in those pictures. Robin said she hasn't even looked at them. Howard said he has a shitty side and a shittier side.
Howard said he's happy that Johnny Depp isn't good looking anymore. He said now he will know what all of that is like.
Howard played the audio of Pete and Shuli saying goodbye over and over. Pete kept saying he'd talk to him later and Shuli would say ''Yeah, dude'' and Pete would have to say goodbye again. They did that for a couple of minutes. Pete wasn't able to hang up. He kept saying it was good talking to him. They eventually hung up. Howard said he's not sure what's going on there. He said he either has to have the last word or he just can't hang up. Howard asked what that is. He said it's so sad.
Howard said that's too sad to talk about. Howard said Gene Simmons was talking about Prince after he died. Howard said they took some audio and called an internet radio show. They had a Gene Simmons impersonator talking to the people on the show and talking about the Prince thing. Fake Gene was talking about what a disgrace it was that he died the way he did. Then Gene got in some plugs for some KISS stuff saying that he sent Prince a KISS casket. The people on the show thought it was Gene but weren't sure about it. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he has Rachel Butera there. Howard said she has done the show before. Howard said everyone knows her. Howard said that she's on a TV show that Dana Carvey is doing. Robin said she has the Hollywood look. Howard said she used to live in New Jersey and she moved out to L.A. to be a voice over artist. Howard asked how long she's been doing voices. Rachel said she's been doing it since she could speak. She said she came from a family that didn't know what to do with her so she was a writer. She was writing for corporate companies and stuff. Howard said she saw Tracy Ullman and wanted to do that. Rachel said she didn't think she could do it. She said she was tortured for being fat so she had no self esteem.
Howard said they say that she's an amateur on this show ''First Impressions with Dana Carvey.'' Howard said her impressions are just as good as his. Howard said he saw Craig Gass on that show too. He said he's not sure why he's an amateur on that show. Rachel said it's exposure. She said that they have an audience there and Dana doesn't even judge. She said that he does impressions but not with her. She said Freddie Prinz Jr. is the host. She said Dana is there to cheer you on. She said that they give opinions so there is no real judging. Howard said that's a tough show to produce. Howard said there aren't a lot of good impressionists.
Howard asked what voices she did. Rachel said she did Wanda Sykes and Rosie O'Donnell. She said she started doing Joan Cusak too. She said she has this lip that goes up on the side. Howard asked if she got a good reaction. She said that she can't say what happened. Howard said he hopes she won.
Howard said they put Rachel in the production room with Sal, Richard and Memet. Howard said he had to tell Sal not to fart in Memet's face anymore. Howard said he walked into the room this morning and Sal had to write himself a note to remind himself not to fart. Howard asked what kind of idiot has to do that?
Howard said Rachel does impressions of Amy Schumer, Mindy Kaling, Dame Judi Dench and Sarah Silverman in this call. Howard played the clip and Rachel was doing the impressions calling into an internet radio show. Rachel did a great Amy Schumer impression and then she calls in as Mindy Kaling. The guy hangs up on her. Rachel then calls back as Sarah Silverman. The guy hangs up on her and then she calls in as Judi Dench talking about her period. The guy yells at them all to stop talking about that.
Howard asked why that guy is so uptight. Howard said he has all of these great guests and he hangs up on them all. Howard said that Amy Schumer impression is great. Howard asked how long she worked at that. Rachel said she only had to do it for like a day. She said she's just able to do it. She said she wishes someone could tell her what it is that makes it so easy.
Howard asked if she does impressions in bed. Rachel said people do ask her to do stuff like that. She said that she doesn't though. Howard asked if she's getting a lot of work. Rachel said she does do a lot of voices. She said she did Golan the Insatiable and she did a Wendy the Retard kind of voice. She said it was kind of a Wendy voice. Howard had her do the Wendy voice so he could talk to her as Wendy. Rachel did the impression talking about picking through the garbage for food. Howard asked her about shitting a lot and Rachel did the thing Wendy does where she just says yes to everything.
Howard said Wendy is the greatest. He said everything she says is yes. Howard asked Rachel more questions as Wendy and Rachel kept saying yes to everything like Wendy does.
Howard said that's so much fun. He asked if she ever shits her pants to get into character. Rachel said yes but changed that to no. Howard said Rachel did an animated film with a bunch of big stars. Howard asked if she likes living in L.A. Rachel said it's a lonely place. She said that all of her friends are spread out all over the place. Howard asked how often she comes home to New Jersey. She said a couple times a year.
Howard said Rachel does an excellent Rosie O'Donnell so they asked her to call an internet radio show as Rosie. Howard played the call and Rosie calls the show to talk about the election. She jokes about the election and talks about Trump awakening something by her vagina and it's call the clit. The guy wants to hang up on her but Rosie keeps going and the guy won't hang up on her. The host said he doesn't know what's going on. Rosie kept talking and the host said they've never had anything like that before.
Howard said that is such a great impression. Rachel said she has the same mouth as Rosie does. She said it just works. Howard said Rachel is so talented. Howard said it's so sad that she's on a show as an amateur. She said she needs that exposure though. She said she does a ton of auditioning. She said she does that every day. Howard asked what her dream job is. Rachel said she wants to be on TV. She said that she was told she's too old to be on Saturday Night Live but she'd love to do that. Howard said Darrell Hammond is older than that. Rachel said she did submit a tape to them but didn't hear back. She said that a casting director found her and she did play a girl at a bar picking up a guy. Howard said if he was an impressionist he would just do that.
Howard asked if she does Lena Dunham now. Rachel said she does and she did some of that for him. Howard had her do her Sharon Osbourne impression too. Howard talked to her as Sharon and Sharon told him about how upset she is with Ozzy. Howard talked to her about going shopping and if she would ever put a tomato up her ass. Sharon said yes.
Howard said Leslie Jones is on Saturday Night Live and she's 48 years old. Howard asked Rachel to do her Whoopi Goldberg impression and talked to her as Whoopi. Howard talked to her about The View and about her fight with Rosie O'Donnell. Howard said she is so fucking good. Howard said she does it all.
Howard asked if she does Robin. Rachel said she does but she can't do it looking at her. She did a little bit of it for Howard and said it's hard. She said she doesn't work at it. She said she can't do Oprah. She said all you can do is the yelling but anyone can do that.
Howard asked Rachel, as Whoopi, about dating Ted Danson and Rachel did her impression talking about that.
Howard said she really is good. He said it's like having a musical voice. Rachel said she wishes they had an expert that could tell them how they do it. Howard had her do Underdog Lady a little bit. Rachel did that a little bit. Howard said that Shuli was talking to her recently and it was fascinating. Howard played some audio of the real Underdog Lady talking about her favorite top 3 movies. Underdog talked about those movies and she was very serious about it. Rachel said she has many voices. She said she has that low voice and then the crying high pitched voice. Rachel did some impressions of those different voices.
Howard asked what the first impression she did was. Rachel said it was probably the voices from the Wizard of Oz. She said that she got made fun of a lot when she was in school.
Howard thanked Rachel for coming in and said she'll be on First Impressions which is on Tuesdays at 10pm on USA Network. Howard said Rachel said she wants to fuck Memet. Rachel said he's too young but he is cute. She said she's not attracted to younger men. She said he's too skinny for her. She said she likes muscular guys. Robin said that's no one on this staff. Howard said he can't even get out of his chair. He said Robin can flip him around.
Rachel did more of her Wanda Sykes voice and talked about Robin's hair. She talked about her life a little bit too. Howard said he hopes Rachel wins that show. He wrapped up with her and went to break after that.
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Howard asked Fred what music he has over there. Fred went through some songs that he could play while he pees. Howard said he likes that song ''You Spin Me Round'' by Dead or Alive. Howard let that play for a few seconds. Howard said he likes when he does that moaning thing in the song. Howard said the guy looked like a chick but he was a dude. Howard said he went berserk and started looking like a woman who had plastic surgery.
Fred gave Howard some more choices like ''Groove is in the Heart.'' Howard said all of these songs are on his playlist. Howard had Fred play some of that. Howard said he likes that song too. Robin asked if he dances to this stuff. Howard said he did the other day and they had a guy there fixing the shades and he didn't realize it. Howard said the guy saw him do it. Howard said he was so embarrassed by that.
Howard said the guy from Dead or Alive had plastic surgery. He said you have to check it out. He said his name is Pete Burns.
Howard said that he has a lot of weird songs in his playlist. Fred played a James Brown song that was on the same playlist. Howard said this song was his worst nightmare when it came out. The song was ''Say It Loud I'm Black and I'm Proud.''
Howard asked Fred for more song choices. Howard said he has to pee. Fred went through a few more songs and Howard said maybe Sabotage from the Beastie Boys. Fred played a little bit of that. Howard had him play some ''Spirit in the Sky'' too. Howard said his playlist is so good. Robin said this song is old. Howard said it's a great song. Robin said sometimes Howard has terrible taste in music. Robin said it's usually very good but not with this song. Howard said this guy was the best.
Howard asked for some Buzzy Linhart. Fred said there isn't any on the list. Fred went through more songs and Howard kept asking for more. Howard said he's just going to hold it in. He said it's too hard to pick a song to go pee to. Benjy said he and Robin can sing the Green Beret song. Howard said he must have left his microphone up. Benjy said he did.
Fred found a Buzzy Linhart song but Howard didn't like that one. Howard told Fred to forget it. Fred said he was just trying to be helpful. Fred found the song ''Heaven'' from Buzzy and played that. Howard said you can't help but sing to this. Robin said ''Really?'' Fred played some clips of Robin singing. Howard said Robin is getting into it now. Howard said this guy is a poet. Robin said she could have lived her whole life without hearing that song. Howard said she doesn't know what she's missing. Howard sang along with the song. Fred played clips of Robin singing ''Cocaine'' over it.
Howard said the best Buzzy Linhart song is ''The Love's Still Growing.'' Robin said this is the stuff he should have been playing when he was trying to pick up Meg Griffin. Howard said that was even too much for her. Howard said he was wasted when he heard this song the first time. He said he hears it to this day and it takes him right back there. Howard said Charles Manson is a big fan of Buzzy's. Robin said she can see that. Robin asked Howard to shoot her up with Heroin because that's the only way she can listen to this. Robin said this is what you listen to when you don't care about your ears. Howard said this is the guy who wrote the song ''You Got to Have Friends.'' Robin said he must know by now that all of these songs are crap. Howard said they're great songs. Howard said don't listen to Robin. He said she doesn't know what's good. Howard said Robin listens to that Simone Dinnerstein. Robin said she loves that. Howard said she can listen to that and he'll listen to this.
Howard took a call from a guy in Detroit. Howard asked how Detroit is these days. The guy said they are improving it down there. Howard said the place was a fucking mess when he was there. Howard said he heard they're working on it. The caller said it's real nice now.
The caller asked Howard if he would ever do a show from home. Howard said he has the ability to do that. He said it's a hassle though. He said it's not as simple as hitting a button. He said he has to do a bunch of things. Howard said you have to call a guy an do a test and plug in equipment. Howard said it's a hassle right now. Robin did it from home for a while but it was every day so they had a guy there for her. Howard said he's not sure they can make it that simple. Howard said they say it's simple but then you have to do all of this stuff. Howard said it's too much work.
Howard said that it has to be as easy as using an app like JoinMe. He said if it's something you just hit then he'd break in and do some stuff. Robin said apps are great. Howard said no, pussy is great, not apps. Howard said that's a Mark the Bagger quote. Fred played the clip of Mark the Bagger talking about pussy being awesome and the greatest. Howard said it really is. He said what ladies have down there is golden. Howard said he tells his gay friends that pussy really is great even when they say it's not. Howard said tits are a close second. Robin said she has seen tits command a room.
Howard said he has an update on Big Foot. Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Big Foot about what he's up to. He's still pan handling. Big Foot said that he will bring a movie with him and people don't bother him.
Howard played a clip from a soccer game where this guy yells ''Goal'' for like a minute straight. Howard said a ball just went into a net and that's what this guy is screaming about. Howard said the only time he ever screamed like that was the first time he fucked Beth. Howard said there are so few goals that this can go on for minutes.
Howard said he has another clip from a hockey game in Finland. Howard played that and the announcer went nuts when someone scored. Howard said the score was 1-0. Howard said it really was. He said that's horrible. Howard said it seems way dumber in another language. Howard said he's glad that their sportscasters don't sound like that.
Howard said they had a whole bunch of those clips from other countries at some point. Howard said that must destroy the guy's voice.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got him through a lot of hard times. He was in Afghanistan. He was a staff sergeant in the Army. Howard asked him about the weapons he carried over there. The guy said he carried an M-24 because he was a sniper. Howard asked what the furthest shot is that he can take and kill a guy. the caller said he's hit targets close to a mile. He said he became a spotter though. He said whoever is in charge is the spotter. He said the spotting scope is so powerful that he can see the shell breaking the mirage in the hot air over there. Howard asked if he can see the guy go down. The caller said he hopes they don't have to kill anyone. Howard said they're fighting a war though so he should want to kill the enemy. Howard said he said he hopes you kill the guy but the caller said he hopes they have a medic there to save the guy. Robin said they're talking about whatever Tony needs to get through the day.
Howard said they have to think about how those fuckers did 9/11. Howard said if you fuck us up we'll fuck you up. Howard said the caller is a brave guy. Howard asked if he wears glasses now. The caller said he has to because he had to stare down that scope so much. He did 3 tours and the first 2 were 14 months and the third was 18. Howard said that's too long. Howard said it really is just too long. Robin said there is no down time. Howard said that's why so many guys have PTSD.
Howard said Tony didn't get to shoot anyone over there. Tony said he did get to shoot on the range. He said he's called in some strikes too. Howard thanked him for doing that. Tony said no problem. That led to Howard doing his talk about how many kills he had in his imaginary tours in Vietnam.
Tony asked why JD isn't proposing to his girl now sine Howard's contract is up in 5 years. Robin said he doesn't think long term. Tony asked if he's going to give everyone a severance package. Howard said hell no. He said they should be saving their money. Howard said JD should lock that girl in now. Howard asked Tony if he's getting any girls. Tony said he's doing fine. Howard said he deserves it. Tony said he's not thrilled that they're letting women into the infantry now. He said that women's frames are different than a man's so he doesn't think it's right. Robin said they still have to carry those heavy packs. Tony said he doesn't need the guys looking at the girl's ass while they're doing their thing. He said once a month they're leaving a trail too.
Howard thanked Tony again for his service. Tony asked why Bobo always asks people ''What's your scary talent?'' when people question him. Howard said Bobo heard him say that once so he tries to be like him. Howard thanked Tony again for his service and let him go a short time later. They went to break after Howard did a live commercial read.
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Howard came back and said he just got done peeing. He did a live commercial read after that. Howard said that was such a professional read. He wondered if people hear that and want to get him to do commercials. Howard said they call him ''one take Howard.''
Howard said he was talking about that guy in the military earlier. Howard said they are dopey after talking for 4 hours. Howard said they covered everything. He said he still didn't pee the whole time. Howard said he feels alone in the bathroom. He said they should do some news and call it a day. Robin said okay to that.
Fred played Robin into her news with a song parody to the tune of ''You Spin Me Round.'' Howard said Robin has to love that one. Robin said she doesn't have to love it. Not that one.
Robin started her news after Fred played the homeless woman introducing ''Robin Kiblers.'' Robin read about how they may stat charging for plastic bags at grocery stores. Robin said they want to cut back on pollution. Howard said there are people who carry sacks to the grocery store. Robin said they charge you for paper bags at Whole Foods. Howard said that's unbelievable. Robin said she carries her bags in her car. Robin said she has insulated bags and regular bags. Howard said she's a regular Leonardo DiCaprio.
Robin read a story about how a woman quit her job to breast feed her boyfriend every 2 hours. Howard said he didn't believe that. Robin said she claims that she took time off her job as a bartender to encourage breast feeding her boyfriend. Robin said she wants to induce breast milk by having her suck on her breasts every 2 hours. Howard said he got a note saying Benjy has done that. Benjy said he did that for a few months.
Robin read a story about how Richard Simons may be transitioning to female. Howard picked up on Sour Shoes who was doing his Richard Simmons impression. He said he is transitioning. Sour was out in the pool doing his thing so he was splashing around. Robin read more of the article about Richard that was in the National Enquirer. Robin said he calls himself Fiona according to this article. Howard asked if he still has his cock. Robin said yes. Howard asked Gary what he has. Gary came in with a picture that everyone is using. He said that they're old pictures of him dressed as a woman. Howard said he's going to be a beautiful woman. Howard saw the picture and said that is not a good look for him. Howard said good for him if he is doing that. Howard said he had a feeling he might not be into chicks. Gary said they have a picture of Richard coming out of a facility and he looks a lot like Benjy. Howard said he had a feeling he may never marry a woman. Howard said it was just a hunch.
Robin said that they're saying this is not Richard in drag. They say it's him as a woman named Fiona. Howard said that's great. Howard asked Fred if he would rather fuck Fiona or Caitlyn Jenner. Howard said he thinks Caitlyn. Fred agreed. Howard let Sour Shoes go after that.
Robin read more of the Richard Simmons article and they say that he's been venturing out of his home as a woman for months. Howard said maybe he was jealous of Caitlyn. Fred played some audio of Richard singing. Howard said he's going to be the biggest thing on TV if this is true. Howard said he wants the first interview with Fiona. He said he deserves it. Howard said he has to get the first interview. Howard told Gary to make that happen. He said he wants to interview Fiona. Gary said the publicist he deals with says this story is complete bullshit. Howard said now Fiona can wear short shorts without a dick in the way. Howard said he's going to be so much happier now that he's free.
Robin read about how Caitlyn Jenner is going to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Howard said he thinks that Fiona Simmons is going to be very calm. He said that she won't even give a shit if you're fat. Howard said she'll just tell you to eat whatever you want. Howard said he bets he's going to have huge tits. Howard said he's probably going to have a real vagina too. Howard said Richard will get some big, perky tits. He said he's 67 years old though so it won't make sense. Howard said good for him if it's true. Even if it's not true it's wonderful. Robin said Bruce Jenner hid in plain sight for a long time too. Fred played a bunch of edited clips of Richard saying weird stuff about chubby pickles and things like that. Howard said he'd love to talk to Richard. He said he'll be gentle with him.
Robin read about actor Jeremy Jordan begging fans to help his cousin who was taken to an anti-gay camp. Robin said Jeremy says that she's been sent away to a camp to turn her straight. Robin said she was sent to a Christian boarding place to pray away the gay. Robin said he has set up a GoFundMe campaign to help get her out of there. Robin said that Colton Haynes came out gay recently and he's contributed $5,000 to the campaign.
Howard said poor Richard Simmons if he has been living with that whole thing his whole life. Robin said he's lived with it 67 years if it's true. Howard said he heard he realized it at 5. Howard said that's what he's been told.
Robin read a story about Sharia Law. Robin said it's Allah's command in the Koran. Robin read what these laws say. Robin read about how a Muslim will not get the death penalty if they kill a non-Muslim. Robin said a master won't be killed for killing a slave. Homosexuality is punishable by death. Howard said that's pretty much what it is with every religion. Robin read more details of Sharia Law and there was one frightening thing after another.
Robin read about Kanye West not facing charges for the concert he scheduled and then canceled on Sunday. Robin said they say he was careless but not criminal. Robin said there was a near riot when people weren't able to get into Webster Hall on Sunday.
Robin read about Ellen Degeneres getting sued by a Florida woman who Ellen made fun of because of her name. Robin said she runs the Titi Realty Company. Robin said they ran a bit and the woman got nasty phone calls after they ran the segment. Robin said Ellen said the name like ''Titty'' and the woman wasn't happy about it so she's suing. Robin said the woman wants Warner Brothers to stop running the segment.
Robin read a story about a man who got 9 DWIs and was sentenced to life in prison after he pleaded guilty to it. Robin said he crashed head on into a car a 16 year old boy was driving. Robin said the man had a valid license even though he had DWIs going back to 1980.
Howard said he's wondering if Richard Simmons went into the hospital the other day to get a procedure done and hid it as being in for dehydration. He said he needs a whole channel dedicated to this story.
Robin read a story about Amber Heard which says she was accused of domestic violence in 2009. Robin said that she was dating a girl at the time. Robin said she allegedly grabbed the girl and hit her on the arm in an airport.
Howard asked Robin to imagine that his secret is that he wants to be a woman. Howard said he would be the ugliest woman in the world. Howard said he wouldn't be able to leave the house. Howard said imagine how awful that would be. Howard said he thinks that he'd go to a D-cup. He said maybe a C. He said Robin has explained the problems with going too big. He said he'd also shave all the hair off his vagina. Howard said he should get six tits. He said he could have four on the back and two on the front. Robin said she thinks people would line up to date him. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a contestant who vomited on a celebrity judge on a show. Howard said he saw the video of that. Robin said it was a 12 year old in So You Think You Can Dance show. Howard said there was a big move going on to hug contestants on America's Got Talent when he was in his last year. He said everyone would rush out of their chair to go on stage. Howard said he did that on his first season to hug the black kid who was crying. Howard said everyone picked up on that. Howard said then he perceived that the girls would do it when they had a nice outfit on so they'd be photographed. Howard said he's glad he never got vomited on. Robin said Paula Abdul got vomited on in this show. Howard said it would be so great if ever contestant started vomiting on Paula. Howard had the audio of the clip where Paula gets vomited on. Howard said you really have to see it. Howard said that vomit thing could become a thing. He said it might revitalize the show.
Howard said there's someone on the phone claiming to be Fiona Simmons. He picked up on Sour Shoes again. He was doing an impression of Fiona but Howard didn't want to deal with it so he hung up.
Robin read about how Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are going to be going at it against each other in the general election. Robin had a clip of someone talking about the election and Howard said he's just so sick of it already. He said he just wants it to be over with already. Robin had some audio of Hillary Clinton talking about getting the nomination. Robin said Bernie Sanders is vowing to continue to fight. Howard asked what his rationale is for that. Robin had some audio of Bernie talking about that.
Robin read some Donald Trump news and had some audio of him talking.
Robin said they have a place in Egypt they call Jesus' tomb. Robin said that they're repairing the tomb out there. Howard said in a related story they're working on refurbishing Santa's workshop.
Howard took a call from a guy who said if he's Fiona Simmons he'd be pissed at Caitlyn. Howard didn't understand what he was saying. Robin said that maybe it's about Fiona doing it all in secret and Caitlyn came out and stole her thunder. Howard said he says everyone will support Richard becoming a woman. Howard said he thinks it'll be big.
Robin asked if people will still want to dance to the oldies with Richard. Howard said he'd love to watch a reality show with Fiona Simmons. Howard said this news should encourage Richard to come out. Howard said he's sure they'll get the first interview or Gary is fired. Howard said he'll lose his living and financial support.
Robin read about how Roger Goodell is making fun of a Tweet that was posted on the NFL account saying that he was dead. Robin said their account was hacked and Goodell says that you leave the office for one day to play golf and that's what happens.
Robin read a story about the Muhammad Ali funeral happening this week and they're making tickets available. Robin said they are free. Howard said he really planned this funeral out. Robin said he really did. Robin said some people really go through all of that but it sounds like a waste to her. Robin said the funeral will be streamed online. Robin said she would go to the funeral but she was told by her doctor not to fly with this thing she has. Howard said he told her not to fly when she was healthy. He said she could have avoided all of this.
Robin read a story about an analyst who has predicted what songs will be big hits this summer. Robin had audio of the woman talking about that. Robin had a list of the songs that could be big hits this summer. The first one was an Ariana Grande song. Howard said he's confused by her. He said she looks so young but she's hot. He said she's tiny and she has a great face but it looks like she's under age. Robin said she's 22. Howard said she looks really young. He said it's like watching a baby. He said she's all sexual rolling around on a bed and it's like the Gerber Baby has tits. He said it's like a Jonbenet Ramsey situation. He said she still has baby fat on her face. Howard said she looks real young. Robin had more songs for Howard to play for the possible summer hits.
Robin read a story about how 15 Prince albums were released on Tidal on Prince's birthday which was yesterday. Robin said that's a music service. Howard asked what this is. Robin had Howard play some Prince music.
Robin read a story about Bobby Brown opening up about the life and death of his former wife Whitney Houston and daughter Bobbi Christina. Robin had some audio of Bobby talking about how having everything was a problem for them. He also talked about his daughter dying and how it was the worst pain in the world.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the Ariana Grande thing. He said he thinks about jerking off to girls like that. Howard said don't do it because there's plenty of other stuff out there to beat off to.
Robin read a story about a drug being used in organ transplants could be used to slow the aging process. Robin said that some people don't believe this will work but this one guy thinks it will. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about that.
Robin read a story about snoring and how it affects about 90 million adults. Robin said it could signal a more serious health problem. Robin told Howard what causes the sound of snoring and how disruptive it can be.
Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.