Howard started the show talking about how he got a lot of sleep. He said he went to bed at 7:30 and then got up and watched The Walking Dead at 1 and then went back to bed. He said he was also showing the guys how to fold something the Marie Kondo way. Howard said he's showing them how he can fold a shirt to make it stand up vertically. He said he read her book over the weekend. He said his daughters are into this. He said he learned how to fold her way. Howard said he spent the entire weekend organizing his coset. He said that he's tidying up and getting rid of stuff. Howard said his wife told him he was heartbreaking. He said it was a very emotional weekend for him.
Howard said the name of the book is ''The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing''
Howard said he's attached to some of the stuff he has so he has to talk himself into getting rid of that stuff.
Howard took a call from Mick the Nerd. Howard said the big Christmas special is going to be happening but they have to talk to Mick first. Howard asked how old Mick is now. Mick said he's 26. Robin asked if he's shaving his beard around this time. Mick said he does it on January 1st. Howard said Mick is in the Wack Pack. Mick said he's calling in to talk about how he has trouble sleeping. He said he has a bad back. Howard said he must read Dr. John Sarno's book ''The Mind-body Prescription'' and ''Healing Back Pain.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening to a radio show and they were talking about something. He asked what the Groot method is. Howard said it's the Degroot method and it's a chess thing. Howard told the guy what it's about. He said you speak out loud when you analyze the game.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's taking up painting and she wonders how Howard paints. Howard said he uses water color and he uses Windsor Newton colors. He said there are no cancerous agents in them. Howard said that's what he's going to say about that. Robin said this is like a hobby shop this morning.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what the differences between a couple of Glocks were. Howard asked what's going on here. Howard said Sirius has a gun channel. Howard told the guy what the difference was between a Glock 42 and 43 were.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to thank him. He said they adopted a puppy over the weekend. Howard said he and his wife had this idea to get money together to get pets adopted from North Shore Animal League. Howard said they wanted to get all 300 adopted. Howard said a bunch of them put up money and paid for every adoption fee. Howard said Beth told him that on Friday there was a line around the block and 100 animals got homes. Howard said on Saturday they had over 205 animals getting homes. Howard said they had about 100 left yesterday but he hast' gotten the report about the rest. The caller said that all of the pets were gone from the place he was at in Garden City. Robin asked what he got. The caller said they got a dog. He told Robin that the kids are ecstatic.
Howard said the animals thrive when they get adopted. The caller said they wanted to wait after their dog died and this was the right time to do it. Howard said it was a success. He said he's not sure all of them got adopted but it sounds like they may have gotten close.
The caller asked Howard for a dog name. Howard said maybe Degroot. The caller told Howard what the dog looks like and Howard gave him the name Sal or Richard if he has gay tendencies. Howard said those two have sent out a Christmas card. He said it's the two of them in poses. Howard said Gary got it at home. Howard told Jason to post it online. Howard gave the caller the name Steven for his dog but he wasn't so sure about that.
Howard took a call from one of the guys in the back asking what kind of chocolate to dip his balls into. Howard told him to try Godiva.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when they're going to hear Bobo's plagiarism essay. Howard said he's glad he called. He said that will be happening on Wednesday. Jason said he's taking it Tuesday and they're getting the results on Wednesday.
Howard said he's been working on this thing. He said he wants it to be fair and square. Howard said Bobo stole a joke from Greg Gutfeld. He said they came up with this idea to have him come in and take an exam. He said he has to write an essay. He said if he gets an F they will have a Bobo Free Winter. Howard said Bobo will also lose the Bobo name if he gets an F. Howard said that's his legacy. Howard said he will be stripped of the name and he will be Steve from Florida if he gets an F. Robin said that's amazing. Robin asked what the chances are he won't get an F. Howard said he could get a D or a C. He said if he gets a B or an A he will get no punishment. Howard said if he gets an A or A+ he will be named the number one extreme fan. Howard said he'll take the exam tomorrow with the proctor. Howard said he doesn't know what the subject will be. Howard said Bobo already wrote and memorized the essay on the last topic but they've changed it. Howard said they're too smart for Bobo.
Howard played a ''Bobo Free Christmas'' commercial parody. He played a song parody about that too.
Howard said there's a lot of excitement in the air about this. Robin asked if he's banned now. Howard said he is. He said they'll find out what will happen for the rest of the winter on Wednesday. Howard said they'll get to hear the essay on Wednesday. Robin said she can't wait to hear the topic.
Howard said the Christmas Special is happening on Wednesday. He said Amy Schumer makes an appearance in it. Howard said Beetlejuice is in it and he performs a Christmas version of ''Beetle is in the House.'' Howard played some of that for Robin. They just added some bells and Santa ''Ho, ho, ho'' to the song.
Howard said this part of the special took six weeks to record. Howard said it's great. He said he and Robin steal Santa's sleigh. He said Beet fucks Mrs. Claus. Howard said that this will be happening on Wednesday. Howard said George Takei sings a Christmas Medley too. Howard had some of that to play for Robin.
Howard said that was great. He said that there was sheet music made for that song. He said he has it all written out. Howard said there was a time when George was in the closet. Robin said he's really out now. Howard said Bubba the Love Sponge is also in the Christmas special. He said he has a controversial part in it. He said he took one for the team. Howard said Evil Dave and J-Dini is in it. He said Jonah Hill, Lenny Dykstra and more will be in it. Howard played a Lenny Dykstra Christmas album commercial parody.
Howard said Lenny is great in that. He said they're all excited about the special. He played a special message from Lenny to Robin. Lenny said he's still waiting to eat her pussy. He said it would be the best present ever. He said he just needs her to dangle some Mistletoe over her bush. Howard got a laugh out of that.
Howard said Nick Cannon is involved in the special. He said Tracy Morgan is in it with Underdog Lady and Will the Farter too.
Howard said he saw Tracy Morgan out at the Knick game. Howard said Lebron James was playing in the game and he's just so good. Howard said the Knicks got trounced. Howard said it was just crazy. He said everyone was so excited about the game. Howard said he was watching the game with Tracy next to him. He said it was very celebrity packed there. He said maybe because Lebron was there. Howard said he saw on the news who was there. He said Jimmy Fallon and Katie Holmes were there. Howard said Spike Lee stepped over him. He said they don't say hello. He said it's awkward. Howard said Spike had to walk by him and step over his long legs. Howard said he was doing that hand shake with everyone but him. He said he was right near Tracy but they don't say a word because he had the audacity to say he didn't like some of his films. Howard said Bill O'Reilly was walking around and said hello to him. He said Woody Allen was across the way. He said he pays for his seats.
Howard said he saw Jeff Van Gundy walk by and he called him every name in the book after the guy goofed on him for leaving a gam early. Howard said he feels very honored to go to these games. He said he doesn't follow it all that much but it's very entertaining when he goes. Howard said he gets up at 4 in the morning some days and that day was one of them. He said the Knicks were losing by 30 points and he just wanted to leave. He said he'd probably leave early even if they were close. Howard said they actually talk about people who leave. Howard played a clip from the game he was at last week and they were talking about people who do leave and Jeff refused to talk about Howard. He said last time he was attacked with such venom. Howard said he doesn't like his attitude in this clip. Howard said he didn't even have to mention him.
Howard said Tracy Morgan left at the same time he did. They don't mention Tracy. Howard said maybe if he went out to take a shit and returned maybe they'd offer a retraction. Howard said don't give him tickets anymore if they're going to report on when he leaves. Howard said those two morons are supposed to talk about the game. He said he saw Van Gundy looking him over. He said he could have come over and said hello. Howard said if he's going to talk about him then he's going to talk about that guy. Howard said they offer you tickets and then evaluate how long you stay. Howard said it's only him though. He said no one else is brought up.
Howard said from now on when he goes to a game he's going to walk over and tell the guys he's leaving and ask if they have something to say to him. He said they can do it on the air. He said he's going to walk over and ask if they have a problem with him leaving early. He said then he'll flip the table over. Robin said it is supposed to be some kind of sign when you walk out during a blow out. Howard said one of the guys from the team asked him to mention the Garden of Laughs. Howard said he's doing it for them. Howard mentioned who is going to be performing in that. Howard said it'll be an amazing night. Howard said he'd be happy to give them a plug for that.
Howard said they were losing by over 20 points. Howard said he's pretty loyal. Howard said everyone's questioning his loyalty. Howard said just report on the game. Howard said John Leguizamo was in the elevator with him. He said they didn't mention him once. Howard said he leaves early from wherever he goes. He said he leaves Broadway shows early. He said he puts a lot of energy into what he does. He said he gets paid to do this so he doesn't leave this show early.
Howard said they're all busy reporting on him instead of the game. Howard said Jeff can shut the hell up. Howard said Cee Lo was performing at half time. Howard said he saw Jeff walking right down the middle of the court so everyone could see him. He said he doesn't do that when he's there. Howard said he doesn't belong there. Howard said Jeff was looking over at him and Beth. Howard said he doesn't say hello. Howard said he talks about him on the air instead.
Howard said all of the black players come over and hug Tracy and Spike but not him. Howard said he must be the wrong color. Robin said she's not sure about that. Howard said he didn't like one of Spike Lee's movies and he's been mad at him ever since. Howard said he holds a grudge a long time. Howard said he's not going to be phony and say he loves the movie.
Howard said he wouldn't be Howard Stern if he went places and people didn't talk to him. He said he has to take a break. He said they have a lot of stuff going on today. Howard said they have the Christmas Special coming up on Wednesday. Howard played another clip from the special where Jeff the Drunk is singing ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'' They went to break after that.
Hard said he has to say that Psych is a genius or a big waster of time. Howard said they did a Beetles special recently and Psych took the album Revolver and did song parodies for every song for Robin. Robin asked if he's kidding. Howard said he's not. Howard said this is crazy. Howard said they had this Revolver special where they had a bunch of bands performing covers of The Beatles songs. Howard played some examples from that special.
Howard said Psych took the album and did covers of all of the songs. Howard said he did it revolving around Robin. Howard said he's not joking when he tells you that he spent an inordinate amount of time on this. Howard said they had some crazy amount of time he spent on it. Howard said he was reading about it overt the weekend. Gary said it took 6 hours for Psych to do just 4 seconds of one of the songs. That was for the song ''Noise.'' Howard played some of Psych's song parody ''Ass Man'' to the tune of ''Tax Man.'' Howard said he's either insane or a genius.
Howard played another song Psych did based on one of the songs. Howard said he did the entire fucking album. Howard said he listened to the entire thing over the weekend. Gary said he researched the microphone that the Beatles used and found it. He also lost his voice doing it because he spent so much time on it. Howard said he was doing George Harrison's cough and he wanted it to sound like the real thing so he did it over and over again. Howard played ''Ass Man'' again so they could hear the cough. Howard said he did it all himself. Howard said Ringo called and said that this is the biggest piece of shit ever but peace and love, peace and love.
Howard said they're all Robin song parodies. Howard played another one that Psych did. Howard said this guy is a great musician. Fred said he really is. He said this is like trying to repaint the Sistine Chapel. He said that he wonders why he's doing it though. He said it's insane to get the same microphone they used. Howard played a couple more clips of his songs. Howard said it's quite amazing because he played all of the instruments.
Howard said no one has ever tried to do something on this level. He said Little Mikey's head is down this morning. Howard played more clips from Psych's album. He said it's unbelievable. Robin said ''What a waste of time...'' Howard said it's just amazing. Howard said Little Mikey is working on ''Are You Experienced.'' Fred said he'd like to hear that.
Howard played song after song and said it's an amazing accomplishment. Robin wondered how he did all of this. Howard said even Yoko told them that he was nuts.
Howard said he did impressions of every Beatle and did a parody of every song on the album. Howard said his focus is on Robin. Howard said it's an interesting combination. Robin said it's odd.
Howard said they're going to do an Encore of their Revolver special on Christmas day. Robin said she hopes Paul hears that and not Psych. Howard said Rolling Stone gave Psych a -100 star review.
Howard read the Facebook post that Susan made to this guy. She used ''faggot'' in that note. Howard said that he thinks she could just get on another internet radio station after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who calls himself Pocket. Howard asked how he got that name. The caller said it's like ''IN the pocket'' like that saying ''I've got this one in the pocket.'' Pocket said he was in a Lyft ride tonight and he heard that Nick Cannon wears that turban because he has Lupus. He said if he gets too much sun he gets spots on his skin. Howard said he doesn't think the Turban has a lid on it to block your face from the skin. Howard said there's no brim on it. He said it doesn't block the sun. Howard said you want a brim if that's what it's for. Howard said he's not seeing anyone clamoring for the turban.
Howard took a call from Cindy Brady who made some homophobic comments. Howard said this isn't Susan Olsen but Cindy Brady.
Howard said Richard and Sal sent out a Christmas Card and Gary got one. Howard said Gary went in and asked why they sent one out as a couple. He said that no one has ever done that unless they're gay. Sal told Gary he got a card from two guys but then he realized they were gay.
Gary said Sal said to him that they're just ''two loving friends.'' Howard asked what's going on with them. Sal said they're blowing it out of proportion. He said he and Richard go shopping together at this time of year and they take pictures together. He said Richard suggested taking the picture and sending out a card. Richard said they get together on a Saturday and buy each other gifts and they're both very festive. Howard said they're so fucking weird. Howard said no one buys each other clothes like that. Howard said they should just come out already. Howard said they're gay. Sal said people send out pictures of their dogs. Howard said they're not married or even a comedy couple.
Howard asked who refers to their friend as ''pretty woman'' like they do. Richard said they had brunch together too. He said that doest' help their defense.
Howard said Richard went to Austria for a weekend for a beer fest. Richard said it was actually a Krampus run. Howard said this is a Christmas demon that looks like something out of GWAR. Richard said they were doing it at a brewery. He said they whip people and he had bruises on his legs. He said his wife did too. He said they kept trying to steal her purse and things too. He said little kids line up along the street and the demons will steal them and run away. Howard said in one country they have a demon and he's always black. Richard said that's in Holland.
Howard played some audio of Richard getting whipped by this Krampus thing. Richard was letting out moans as he got whipped.
Howard asked what Santa is called over there. Richard said he's Sinter Claus. He said that Krampus is the featured thing in the parade. He said it's about a 3 hour parade. He said the costumes are insane.
Howard said this sounds like gay porn. He played Richard getting whipped again. He had another clip of these Krampus people shaking their asses which have bells on them.
Richard also talked about the wine they had over there. Howard asked how long it took to get over there. Richard said it was 9 and a half hours. He said he watched Christmas movies and slept on the flight. He said he watched Bad Santa, Christmas Vacation and FUBAR 2. He said Bam Margera did a movie a couple of years ago and it was called Where the Fuck is Santa. He said he just beats the shit out of Novak the whole time. He said Mark the Bagger is in it too.
Howard asked what else Richard did over there. Richard said they went to a market over there and bought some gifts.
Howard asked if Richard was buzzed the whole time over there. Richard said he was. Howard took a call from Krampus who said that Richard had his big German dick in his mouth over there. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Krampus who was talking about all of the gay stuff he was doing to Richard.
Howard asked how much he drank on the flight. Richard said he had some wine. He had beer too. Sal said he brings bottles of booze too. Richard said it's just 5 or 6. Sal said last time it was like 25. Richard said he probably had 8 or 9. He said it was really just 8 or 9. Sal said you can hear them jingling while they're getting ready to take off. Sal said he drinks like 2 before they even take off. Richard said it depends on the flight and how bumpy it is.
Howard asked Robin if she ever stops at the airport bar. Robin said she really doesn't do that. Sal said Richard is always the last guy to show up for the flight. Richard said that he had a great time with Beetlejuice on a flight. He said he had some drinks and he was complaining about the rent and his wife. Howard said he imitates what it would sound like if he had a normal life. Richard said they went to the bar and then he stopped to get something to read on the flight. He said he bought the Wall Street Journal. Howard said that's the greatest story he's ever heard. Howard asked why he would want something to read. Richard said he doesn't know because he passed out on the plane as soon as he sat down.
Sal said they went to Canada once and the customs guy asked if he knew where he was. He said Beet said he was in Mexico. Sal said Beet loves vending machines too. He said he always puts money in them. He said they got to the airport and they have the luggage carts and he was putting money into that. He said he thought he was getting candy out of it. He said it was luggage carts.
Howard asked if he knows how much to put in there. Sal said he'll put in a $20 bill in there and it just keeps coming out. Howard said you'd think he'd learn to go to a candy store. Sal said he kept feeding the cart machine money even when he told him it wasn't candy.
Sal said Beet went to a Chinese restaurant once and he was reading the menu upside down and he was looking at the desserts. He said he has to order for him. He said he asks him if he wants something and he asked if he wanted the Dragon chicken. He said Beet said he didn't want that because he doesn't eat dragon.
Howard asked if Beet will ask to go to the bathroom. Sal said he thinks he wears a diaper and he will shit that diaper if they're eating. He said he has a look on his face when he shits himself. He said they let him go clan himself up. Howard said he might be able to go for a couple of hours after that.
Howard said Sal is just a little smarter than Beet. Sal said Beet likes the hotel room hot so he'll turn on the shower to get it steamy. He said he saw him in the bathroom once shaving and he looked like a little black Santa Claus. He said it was all steamed up and the bathroom smelled like shit. He said that Beet came out later and he saw the razor blade and it still had the clear cover on it.
Howard asked if he was kicked out once because Beet refused to open the emergency door. Sal said he thought he had to open it.
Howard said Shuli has a story about Beet too. Howard had him come in. Sal said they will bring him to the front of the line on a plane and they ask what his problem is. Sal said they just tell them to look at him.
Shuli came in and said they were on a flight once and they asked Beet about the emergency door. Beet yelled out ''Bitch I ain't opening no door and getting sucked out!''
Shuli said he used to go to a lot of hotel with Beet. He said he'd have to stay in the room with him and keep an eye on him. Richard said hundreds of people will come up to him asking for autographs. He said if he's not in the right mood he'll tell them to fuck off.
Howard played the Christmas version of Beet's song ''Beetlejuice is in the House.'' He played a phony phone call the guys made to a radio host who has a very unique voice. They were doing an impression of the guy and claiming that he had stolen their persona.
Howard said that's the best phony phone call ever. Robin said it is number 1. Howard had the guy who did the voice on the phone. Howard had a conversation with him as if he were the host of the show. Howard asked how he hasn't gotten fired like the Brady Bunch girl. The guy said he's friends with the Jews who are in control of the media. Howard ended the call by yelling at the guy. They went to break after that. As they went to break they played a commercial parody for an album of Gary playing Christmas songs with his Trumpet
Howard said listen to his panic. Howard played a voicemail they got this morning after the announcement. Howard played the clip and Bobo was freaking out about the changing of the rules. He said he had to write about plagiarism and now they're changing it up and that's not fair. He said he's been working on this for weeks. Bobo said they're going to strip his name and that's going to kill him. He said he feels like he's been stepped on and kicked to the curb.
Howard mentioned that Bobo can do to keep his name and stay on the show. He said he just needs to get an A on the essay. Robin said she figured he was going to freak out about losing his name.
Howard played another voicemail Bobo left about the rule change. He said they're sticking a fork in him before he even starts. He said it's not right. Howard laughed. Bobo asked how he's going to get another topic. He said he's totally wrecked over this whole thing. Howard said when you hear the topic anyone could write an essay on it. Howard said it's not complex. Robin said even if it was the same topic he'd still be in fear of failing.
Howard played a song parody about Bobo and his possible ban. Howard said that he'll be there tomorrow to take his test. Howard said they'll check him for an ear piece and all of that. Howard said he gets an automatic F if he cheats. He said if he doesn't show up he gets an automatic F as well. Howard said on Wednesday they'll find out the results of his test. Howard said the teacher will grade it like a 5th grader would be tested.
Howard said they sold 48 million albums. Robin said they are big then. Howard spent a little time talking about Emerson Lake and Palmer. Howard read about Greg and how he started playing at the age of 12. Howard said he loved ''In the Court of the Crimson King.'' He played some of that song and sang along to it. Howard sad he listened to that repeatedly when he was younger. He let the song play and did his thing singing along to it. Howard said he's like Yoko. He said he has a very specific talent.
Robin said she watched a special about one of the Bee Gees dying and they sold over 220 million albums. Howard said he liked their early stuff. Robin said she learned that he was a paintball addict. Robin said it was the first one who died. She said it was Maurice.
Howard said when his mother would yell at him about things he's start singing that Emerson Lake and Palmer song. Robin kept talking about the Bee Gees thing and Howard asked why she's talking about that when they're talking about Greg Lake.
Howard got back to Greg Lake and played a clip from the show in 1993 when he told him why they broke up. Howard said they're a bunch of fucking idiots because they didn't want to go on the road. Howard asked if Robin had anything else about the Bee Gees. Robin said she doesn't.
Howard read more about Emerson Lake and Palmer and how they got started. Howard played more of their music too. Howard said he saw them in concert and they were great. Howard said Greg did a song with Clarence Clemens. He played some of that.
Howard said Emerson Lake and Palmer broke up in the 70s. He said they had Greg on the show for the first time in 1986. Howard said their biggest song was ''Lucky Man.'' Howard played some of that song. He said at the house party they had Greg at they did that song and he did that sound from ''Lucky Man'' with his megaphone. Howard said this is the first time he's used that thing in about 9 years. He said it's called ''Sound Gizmo.'' He said he's sure it's not available anymore. Howard changed the sound and tried playing some of them. Fred said it's over 30 years old now so it doesn't work very well. Howard said it was so great. He said no one takes care of this things.
Howard played a clip where he performed with Greg Lake at this house party. Howard said that was Robin in the background harmonizing. Howard said that's his queen.
Robin asked if they had the clip of Greg getting hypnotized. Gary said they did but it wasn't all that interesting. He said they hypnotized him into thinking he was a woman named Gregolina.
Howard played more Emerson Lake and Palmer songs and said that Kanye used one of their songs in a song. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked if Matt Berry is mad at Will. Gary said he's mad at Will and Jason. He said Matt thinks that they teamed up on him. Gary said Jason just said one thing though. Jason came in and said he's so mad at Berry. He said for the past 2 years he's been backing him up in the league and he's almost lost Will and Michael Rapaport as friends. He said that Matt thinks he threw him under the bus. He said it's been 2 or 3 years listening to his complaints about the league and now this. Gary said he heard that he got called to an emergency dinner about the league. Jason said it was over a tweet that they sent out. He said that Berry was in 6th and he didn't like that. Jason said that Berry said he was doing them a favor by doing the Wrap Up Show. He said he was being put in a bad light according to what he said. Jason said that he got called into this dinner. He said it was a long conversation too.
Gary said there are 10 people in the league and there's a lot going on with it. Howard asked if anyone is threatening to leave. Gary said not really. Howard had a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Rapaport was rambling on about how the people want to hear from him. Rapaport said they only want to hear from Gary when he's getting his balls broken.
Howard asked if Matt Berry is threatening to leave the league. Gary told him to listen to this clip. He had a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Berry called in and said he doesn't want to be in a league that he's not wanted in. He said he's not friends with Jason and Will. Howard said they voted him in though.
Howard said he's never heard of someone older than 10 or 11 declaring that their friendship is over. Howard said he has a story about someone who did that to him. He said he can't tell that story. He said as an adult you don't do that.
Jason said he doesn't want to lose his friendship with Matthew but he doesn't want to put in the time to try to talk about it. Jason said he might have to call him but he doesn't want to spend 2 hours talking to the guy on the weekend.
Gary said he spent about a half hour talking to Matt about it and he's bummed. Gary said he said he didn't feel like he should be treated like that on the show. Howard said it's ball busting. Jason said his idea of a private conversation is calling all of them and having the same conversation. Jason said Will was honest and he too it upon himself for calling Berry out.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that they let Rapaport and Berry in because it would be cool to have them in but now it's backfired. He said they all hate each other now. He said it's the greatest thing in the past year.
Howard asked why they don't vote these guys out. Jason said he thought they were going to vote them out but then they changed their votes. Gary said they didn't vote on voting all of them out. Howard said it's the same thing. Gary said it's not though. Howard said if you vote for Rapaport to be out then it's the same thing. Howard said you vote them all out. Gary said some want one out but not the other.
Jason said that he was voting both out. Howard said it's the same thing. Howard said Will sounds like Beetlejuice. Will said he's scared of Rapaport a little bit. Howard said voting both out would be the same as voting all of the celebrities out. Will said he can't do it. Howard said they all choked.
JD came in and said he changed his vote because it would annoy Will. Howard said they're all doing the same thing and they're stuck with all of them. JD said he wants them all out. Will said they're all out. He said he's saying that all three of them are no longer a part of the league. He said he's changing his vote.
Howard said Will voted Rapaport in. Will said he's changing his vote. Howard asked if Jason agrees. Jason said he is. Howard said they took the vote last week.
Ralph said that Will is tough because Rapaport isn't around. Gary said he's quitting the league and those guys are still in. Howard said that's the way around it. Howard said you voted and they should have voted them out.
Howard asked if Gary would vote to get all of them out. Gary said he would. Howard asked what his vote would be if he asked for just one out. Gary said he doesn't want Berry out. Howard said he doesn't understand the difference. Will said it can backfire. He said if everyone votes Rapaport in then he looks like an asshole.
Howard said Will should have voted all celebrities out. Will said he screwed up. Jason said it made him look like an asshole. He said he wanted all celebrities out. He said that he voted both out and then he looks like an asshole. Gary said he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with Berry. Gary said he can leave the league whenever he wants. Gary said a lot of people have quit because it brings them angst.
Will said he blew it. He said he should have voted them all out. JD said he's been trying to say this for a long time. He said he changed his vote for Berry because Gary changed his vote and he wanted to annoy Will. Howard said that sounds like Memet voting for Trump because he knew Hillary would win. Howard asked JD what his message was. JD said if Will is going to annoy him with keeping Rapaport in then he's going to keep Berry in.
Ralph said the smartest person is Steve Brandano for bailing last year. Gary said Ralph would be in this in a second. Ralph said no way.
Howard said Ralph is blond now. He asked why he did that. Ralph said this girl did it for him and he likes it the way it looks grown out now. He said he likes his roots. His roots are dark and his hair is blond. Howard asked if he's going to re-do it. Ralph said he likes it short. He said it's so much easier to wash. Will said he saw Ralph and it was jarring to see. Ralph said Will doesn't do anything with his hair. Gary said Ralph acts like he's in a band. He said no 50 year old does that unless he's in a band.
Howard said all he's saying about this controversy is that they're phonies to change their vote like this. Will said that he has a problem with Matt thinking he's doing therm a favor by coming on the show. He said if he was just some fantasy football guy trying to plug his book they'd tell him to fuck off.
Jason said that Rapaport and Berry have a cease fire over their bashing of each other. He said he can't say what it's about but it has to do with jobs. He said it's a business arrangement. Gary said there might be people who are up for jobs at other places if they can get along. Howard said maybe Rapaport is up for a job at ESPN or something. Gary said there was a war and then they put all of their weapons away. Will said Berry has his own Emojis at ESPN. Howard asked who uses them. Will said Matthew Berry is the only one. Ralph said he's going to go download them now. Howard said you'd only use them as a goof. Ralph said that's right.
Howard asked if Rapaport and Berry had a secret meeting where they had an arrangement not to goof on each other. Jason said 100 percent. He said most of his phone calls this summer with Berry were about how he can't be in the league with Rapaport. He said for a minute he felt bad for him. He said then all of a sudden it all went away. Howard said they're like two asshole buddies. Howard said they must have struck a secret deal.
Will asked who the pussy is now. Howard said Gary is leaving the league and that's a cop out. Ralph said fantasy football is so lame to begin with and this is going on now.
Howard took a call from Balls who said he has to stick up for Rapaport. He said the only interesting thing about fantasy football is when he's goofing on Gary. He said he spends out a lot of pictures goofing on Gary.
Howard took a call from Matt Berry who said they called him but he has some things to say about this. Howard asked about what's going on with Rapaport. Berry said that they do have a deal not to goof on each other when they work for the same company. Howard asked if they can believe that. Gary said Rapaport is just a frequent guest on the show. Berry said that they have a contract with him. Howard said he got the job because he's in the league. Matt said it's not his place to comment on Michael's business.
Howard asked if he thinks that Jason went over the line talking about their secret dinners and secret meetings. Matt said he's had discussions with Jason and not Will. He said that he has told him not to talk about it on the air. Jason said he didn't bring up anything from the conversations.
Ralph said Matt probably thought it would be cool to be in the league and now look at it. Howard said all of the guys are saying they're going to leave the league and start their own league. Matt said he has to agree with Michel on this and they're all wimps. Gary said before their truce was struck Matt was the one who was trying to get Rapaport out of the league.
Howard said you can't have it both ways. He said you can't ask people not to talk shit about you and then talk shit about those people. Matt said he never has. He said anything he's said about the league hasn't been negative. Will said that's him and they don't have to do that just because he does.
Matt said he's heard things about Howard in their meetings. Howard asked what he's heard. Howard said he wants to know. Matt said he won't say. He said there are certain things that aren't allowed to be brought up on the air. He said he knows they can't talk about Marci or his kids. Howard said he talks about them. Will said he has sat in on production meetings. Gary said he's been in writing meetings too. He said there are things that he has heard there. Gary said he wrote for Married with Children and Crocodile Dundee 3. Howard said he did like that movie actually.
Will said they're not behind the scenes complaining. He said this is like a new low. Jason said this is a guy who called him all summer complaining about Rapaport being in the league. Ralph said they also said that he has an attitude saying that he's doing them a favor. Matt said he wouldn't say that. Howard asked if he's sorry he joined the league. Matt said not at all.
Howard had to hang up on Ralph for talking over everyone. Ralph apologized and Howard kept him on. Howard asked if Matt will be in the league next year. Matt said if he's invited he'd stay. Will asked why he's in the league. Matt said he's not a quitter and he doesn't hate half the league. Matt said there is no fighting like this in any other league. He started to explain but Howard cut him off. Howard said he can see he can be verbose.
Howard said he agrees that if they say something shouldn't be brought up on the air then it shouldn't be. Howard asked Will if he hates cancer or Matt Berry more. Will said this week it's Berry. Howard asked Will if he was a hot chick would he feel differently about him. Will said that he'd have to blow him and he'd finish on his face then he's up for it. Jason said that you notice no one is complaining about Lisa Ann. JD said he has. Gary said that he had a problem with Rapaport talking to Lisa Ann. Jason said she didn't want to make a big deal out of that.
Ralph said he really has to go. He hung up. The guys wondered where he had to go. Will said he beat JD's ass this weekend.
Howard took a call from ''Cancer'' who said that he's going to see Howard's prostate in 3 years. Howard said don't even say that. Howard said both Will and Robin beat cancer. Cancer said he's a pushover like Matt Berry.
Howard took a call from Matt Berry's brother Dingle. Dingle said he's such a homo and he should shut up already. He said he should take off his Kotex and man up. Matt said his only issue is with Will at this point. Will asked if he's good with Jason. Matt said he has to have a talk with Jason. Jason asked if they can do it now. He said he wishes they could just get it over with quickly. Matt said if he has a conversation with Jason it might be on the air. Jason said just do it on the air then.
Will said that Matt seems to have endless time to spend doing this league. He said that he has a family and a job but he spends a lot of time on this. Jason said he's wiling to walk past this and not think about it. Matt said he appreciates that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said these guys are bitches. He said he's been playing for 4 years and he's never heard anything like this. Matt said he doesn't mention any of this stuff on the air. Will said he wants to be a secretive pussy that's why. Jason said that Matt has had conversations with him about John Skipper.
Howard took a call from a guy who said these guys need to man the fuck up. He said Howard does too. He said it's causing too much bullshit and taking up too much time on the show. He said you can't just change your vote a week later. Will said he can and he did.
Howard said he's losing life force from this. He said he's wilting. Robin said nothing worthwhile is going to come out of this. Howard said he sat on the air last week for 45 minutes taking a vote and they didn't kick anyone out. Howard said then the walk in a week later and change their vote. Howard said you don't get to do another vote. Howard said that's it. Gary said even if they vote now they don't have enough votes. Howard said they were voting on everyone. Gary said they didn't vote on everyone last week. Howard said they had the chance last week.
Will said this is like asking Howard to chose his favorite daughter. He said you don't say you like just one. He said that you say you like them all. Howard said that's not a good analogy. Will said he wants two out and one in. He said he wants Berry and Lisa Ann out and Rapaport in. He said half of it is JD's fault. JD asked why that is. Will didn't answer.
Howard said his head is spinning at this point. He said this conversation is boring. Matt said he's ready to vote himself out at this point. Howard let Matt go a short time later. Howard played a song that Rapaport performed about Gary.
Howard said they're going to hear that for another year because they voted him in. Howard said today is Scott the Engineer's birthday. Gary asked how old he is. Howard told him not to ask. Howard asked why they don't get the guy who wrote Crocodile Dundee 1 instead of the guy who wrote number 3. Howard played a clip of Scott making all kinds of noises for his birthday song.
Robin said she's worn out from that conversation. Howard said he's not sure where the joy is in all of that.
Howard said that they ordered the pre-fab food that they were selling and they have tons of buckets of it. Howard said he'll probably have to give it away.
Howard said Bakker claims he had a conversation with Trump. Howard played a clip of Bakker talking about the conversation he had. Robin asked if you can believe anything that guy says. Howard said no. Howard asked Fred if they have to take a break. Fred said they do before they do the news. Howard said those guys sucked the life out of him earlier with the fantasy football talk.
Howard took a call from Jim from Raleigh who asked what he thinks about Mick Jagger having another kid at 73. Howard said his girlfriend is like 30. Howard said on one hand he can afford it. He said he's like 73 now. He said Mick can afford it and the kid will have a good life even if he drops dead. Howard said the woman will have enough money to raise the kid. Robin said he won't have a dad though. Howard said he'll be Mick Jagger's kid and he'll have a good life. Howard said he thinks he likes those old blues guys and they would go on the road and just fuck. Howard said he's just doing the same thing.
Jim said it would be great if Ronnie had another kid. Howard said he guesses it's alright if Mick has another kid. He said he can do what he wants. Jim said he hopes he still gets hard. Howard said he'll ask him when he doesn't come in there.
Jim asked if the staff gets him any holiday gifts. Howard said some do but he ends up throwing them all out except for Robin's. Howard said he still has some of the stuff Robin gave him. Howard said Gary gets him shit that he throws out. He said he gets him shit that he's into. Howard said he has thrown out a bunch of things. Gary said he listened to him this year and didn't get him anything. Howard said he's his whole life and god knows what he would have done without him.
Howard said he's mad when he gets him something and mad when he doesn't. Howard said Gary gave him a book on The Beatles and he doesn't really care that much about them. Gary said that wasn't from him. Howard said Richard gets him shitty gifts too. He said he gets him DVDs of stuff he likes. He said it's fine not to give him anything. Howard said he'll try to throw stuff out and Beth saves it. He said he just wants it out of the house.
Howard said he read this book on how to tidy up. He said the book is fabulous. He said it's how to say goodbye to stuff. He said he hates tidying up. He said he did it and he filled up two green garbage bags with stuff. Howard said Beth took a look and he was about to throw it away. Howard said he has to get it out of the house though. He said Beth wanted to look through it. He said she asked what he was throwing out and asking about giving it to other people. Howard said he gets attached to some of the stuff and feels weird giving it away.
Howard said he had a leather book made for him and it was for journaling. Howard said the book would not stay open. He said he threw it out and then it ends up on the counter. He said he threw out a money clip too and Beth saved that. He said that it was sitting there laughing at him on the counter. He said he's drained from this.
Howard said in this book the woman says you have to ask the item you're getting rid of if you love it and if it loves you. He said he does this. He said he ended up studying this folding thing this woman Marie Kondo does. He said he folds this shirt and he says he loves it but it had holes in it so he had to get rid of it. Howard said he finally gets it in the garbage and it's a big deal. Howard said just his luck this woman Marie Kondo lives like a pig.
Howard took a call from his money clip who said he's never going to get rid of him. He said he's going to follow him to the grave.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said he's been on fire lately. Howard said just wait for the Christmas special on Wednesday. Mark asked if he's going to have Big Foot in it. Howard said just wait.
Mark asked if Beth ever gets upset that he jacks off. Howard said he only dos it when she's not home. Howard said he times it right so he never does it when she's going to be around. Howard said he always makes sure he has a full one in the chamber for her.
Howard wondered if Gary is going to mail him his Christmas card this year. Howard said he would hand him a Christmas card. Howard said he doesn't want to carry that card around. He said he thinks he got it in the mail already. He said he would ask him why he was handing him the card. Howard said it would drive him up a wall. Howard said he got Gary's card and it's Gary, Mary and the two boys without their pets.
Howard asked why Gary would hand him his card and not anyone else. Howard played Gary singing a ''Please Take My Card'' song parody.
Gary said he never handed Howard a card. He said he put it in his bag. Howard said fair enough. Gary said there was a period of time that people put mail in his bag and he thought it would get there quicker. Howard said he had to bring in the card instead of mailing it. Robin said Gary never did that for her. Howard said Robin would have flipped her lid. Howard told Gary to mail him his card. Howard said it was just an inconvenience for him to carry it around. Howard said he has a lovely family but mail it to him.
Howard said his shrink would have a lot to say about Gary giving him the card. He said Gary wants him to see something. Howard said he just puts Gary's card in the mail so he doesn't have to deal with it.
Howard said he doesn't even want to be that important. He said that Gary doesn't trust his card with the mail. Howard said he's like his mail man The Sterny Express. Howard said even Richard and Sal mail the card.
Ed asked is Sal is there now. Howard said he is. Ed said it looks like he had a breast reduction. Howard had Sal come in there. Sal came in and Howard said he's in pretty good shape. Sal sat down and he did have farm animal tits according to Howard. Fred said they're like goat tits. Sal asked if Ed wanted some of that. Ed said he could fill those cups with wine. Sal said he doesn't understand why he's so into it. Howard said Sal shaves his chest too. Sal said he shaves it because the shadow makes his tits look even saggier.
Howard said that segment was great with Ed and the guys. Howard asked how accurate it is. Howard said they did come out gay. Ed said it's about 90 percent accurate. He said it's an investigative tool. He said it's the only way to tell if anyone is lying. Ed said he's been doing it for so many years now. He said he's been to all of the prisons and he's done doctors and lawyers and it's used by the military. Howard said they're really gay then. Ed said they have something going on between the both of them. Sal said Ed didn't shake his hand after the test. He said he must have thought he was going to turn him gay. Ed said he was playing with himself. Howard said Ed is not homophobic. Sal said he did try to grab his nuts and ass.
Ed said it was his dirty hands after playing with himself. He said he's happy for Sal being gay. Howard said he got a lot of feedback about Sal and Richard coming out. He said it led to a lot of interesting discussions.
Gary asked about Sal's tattoo and why he doesn't have his wife in it. Sal said she took the picture that they made the tattoo out of. Howard said he should have had a picture taken of himself with her.
Ed asked if he's had any work done on his breasts. Sal said he hasn't. He said he has thought about it. He said it's a weird thing underneath. He said he inherited his dad's tits. He said his dad had the same thing. Ed said next time he sees him he'll show him his tits. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't stand throwing stuff out. Howard said he went on a cleaning jag and it's not easy. He said he went up to his stuff and asked if he loved the an if they loved him. He said he threw out some shoes that Beth didn't like. He said he said goodbye to them and thanked them for their service. Howard said this Marie Kondo tells you to just get rid of things you don't want. Howard said Beth saved the shoes in a pile. Howard said she's going to give them to a friend who wears the same size shoes. Howard said the guy sent him a picture and the guy looked good in them. Howard said now he's upset. He said he doesn't want to know what happens to this stuff.
The caller told him to bring it to the office and throw it out. Howard said he's not going to do that. Robin said people need those things. Howard said he has to get it out of the house before he feels remorse.
Howard said it's time for news. They played her into it with a Little Mikey song parody about Robin's huge boobs.
Robin started her news with a story about Nicole Murphy who is the former wife of Eddie Murphy got ripped off. Robin said this investment guru was given $10 million and the guy spent it all on himself. Howard asked if she looked into him at all. Robin said the guy was a childhood friend. Howard said he wouldn't give anyone he grew up with a cent. Robin said that was most of the money she had from the settlement she had with Eddie. Robin said the guy is going to go to jail for ripping a few people off.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks he's being too harsh on Tata Toothy about the Christmas card thing. Howard said it just annoyed him. He said he didn't want to carry the card around. Howard said you mail it unless you're giving a gift. Howard said his phlegm irritates him too and he can't explain why. Howard said he's trying to eat and Gary is clearing his throat. The caller did an impression of Gary clearing his throat but Howard said the guy isn't funny and hung up. Howard did an impression of Gary clearing his throat and then played a song parody where they had nothing but Gary clearing his throat as the lyrics.
Robin read a story about someone who got shot over arguing with Hell's Angels over a parking spot. Robin said the guy was trying to move cones so he could get through and they got upset. Howard said he's on the Hell's Angels side. Robin said just remember that they're still the Hell's Angels. Howard said if they want to give him a Christmas card and want him to carry it home he'll do it.
Robin read about John Glenn dying and how Howard didn't talk about that last week. Robin said he died at the age of 95. Robin said that space travel must not shorten your life. Howard said maybe it was the tang that extended his life. Howard said he heard that John Glenn was the guy who called Robert Kennedy's family to break the news to them about him dying. Howard said that's a horrible job. Robin said you can't have a worse job. Howard said he heard another story about blowing up a bridge and Glenn went back in and blew it up after the first attempt failed. Howard said he was a real war hero. Robin said he was a pioneer and explorer and a hero. Howard said he was a good dude. He said he never once had an emergency dinner to talk about fantasy football.
Howard said he has big news. He said Nicole Bass is now with a woman. Howard asked how they got this. Gary said Shuli interviewed her. Howard said Robin saw her vagina so she knows that she's a real woman. Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Nicole's girlfriend. The woman was talking about how gorgeous Nicole is. She said she's in love with Nicole. Nicole said she's in love with her too. Howard wondered if that woman thinks Nicole is a man. Howard said it's Nicole and Christy now. Howard played a clip of Nicole talking about how different it is to be with a woman than it is to be with a man. Nicole said they have had sex just about every day. Fred played the ''That's a man, baby!'' clip after hearing the two talking.
Howard said he thinks Nicole is very lonely. He said he thinks she just wants companionship. He said maybe it just doesn't matter to her. He said he's cool with that.
Howard asked Robin if she had to have sex with one, Nicole Bass or Lenny Dykstra, who would it be. Robin said it would be Nicole. She said she's not going near Lenny.
Robin read about the Critic's Choice Awards that were given out last night. Robin said they claim to have a good track record for picking the Oscar winning movie. Robin said they picked ''Lala Land'' as a winner last night. Howard said he hasn't heard a lot about that. Robin said it's a musical. Howard said he won't see that. Robin read about some of the other winners at the awards.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him some things about John Glenn. He said he flew some army missions. Howard asked why there's an army air force. Howard said he thought the air force was just the guys who fly. Gary said all four arms of the military have air service. Brent said they have to have support. He said the air force isn't that good at coordinating with the rest of the services. Howard said he's completely freaked out by this. Fred read about what John Glenn did and how he switched services. Howard said he's so confused. Brent came in and gave Howard even more details. He explained how the air force came about and why the other arms need air support. Brent and Robin were trying to explain but Howard said he's not going to talk about this. He said he'd reorganize if he was in charge. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Robin read about how TJ Miller was the master of ceremonies at the Critic's Choice Awards. Robin said in part of his monologue he talked about how he hates it when celebrities get on a soap box. Robin had some audio of TJ talking about that. Howard said the guy sounds angry. He said he doesn't know who he is. Robin said he's on Silicon Valley. Howard said they should put him in the fantasy football league with Matthew Berry.
Robin read a story about Madonna being given the woman of the year by Billboard magazine. Robin had a clip of her talking about being awarded.
Robin read a story about Bob Dylan giving an acceptance speech for winning a Nobel prize. Robin said he sent it in. Howard said people wonder why he doesn't want to go there. Howard said the guy is 75 and you just don't want to do things like that to give up a weekend. Howard said they give a money prize for that too. Robin said it's a lot of money. She wasn't sure how much though.
Robin read a story about the artists who are being asked to perform at Donald Trump's inauguration. Robin said Kid Rock, Ted Nugent and Garth Brooks are the only three who have agreed to do it so far. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how Chris Christie is going to serve out the rest of his term as governor of New Jersey. Robin said they say he was offered a cabinet position for Trump but he turned it down. Howard said he thinks he really doesn't want it.
Robin read a story about Joe Piscopo announcing that he'll be running for governor of New Jersey. Robin asked if Howard thinks he'll win. Howard said no. He said his running mate will probably be Eddie Murphy. Howard said Joe loves New Jersey and he loves dating the baby sitter. Howard said he doesn't think they're even still together anymore. Howard said if Joe does run they have to get him in there because they know him. Howard said Al Franken is from Saturday Night Live and maybe Joe will win.
Robin asked Howard what he thinks about Trump holding on to his businesses while he's president. Howard said it's not illegal but people will question his every move. Robin said it would be a story rich area that people will be scrutinizing. Howard said even Bloomberg when he was mayor he put his business in a blind trust. Howard said he couldn't know what was going on. Robin said Donald says keeping a stake in his business doesn't cause a conflict of interest. Robin had audio of Trump talking about that and how he doesn't even care about that anymore. Robin said he's also going to remain the Executive Producer of The Apprentice. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how Trump isn't getting daily intelligence briefings. Howard said that sounds important to him. He said Trump says that he doesn't need to hear the same things every day though. Robin had audio of Trump saying that they're giving them to him weekly and that's all he needs. He said he doesn't need to be told the same thing every day for 8 years.
Robin read a story about how they are saying that the Russians did hack the election. Howard said this should be a military thing if that's the case. Howard said the CIA should be investigating. Robin said they are saying they saw something but Trump's people are denying it.
Robin read about the Golden Globe nominations coming out. Robin had some audio of some of the announcements. Howard guessed at what might win. He did a live commercial read after that. Robin was done with her news so Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show talking about how there are a lot of people on the phone and they must want to know about the big Bobo test today. Howard said they're wondering if he'll get an F and be banned and renamed Steve from Florida. Howard said the Bobo essay has captured the audience's attention. Howard said some people think he's a scumbag for talking about Gary and his Christmas card. Howard said people also remember him putting gifts in the wood chipper one year and smashing and ripping a painting apart. Howard said welcome to Scrooge Scumbag this morning. Howard said he's the real Krampus.
Howard said he was watching this thing on the internet. He said there's a pastor on the internet who went to a mall in Texas and saw parents and kids lined up to see Santa and he starts screaming tell the kids the truth that Santa isn't real. Howard said people started confronting the guy. Howard said he told the guy that he would tell the child if he wanted to. Howard said Santa isn't real but Jesus and God are real to this guy. Howard said Christmas brings out the worst in people. Howard played a clip of this guy telling people about Christmas being about Jesus and not Santa. Then a guy tells him to leave and puts his hands on the guy.
Howard said you have to see the look on the kid's faces. He said they wonder who this lunatic is. Howard said the guy is telling people not to tell their kids that Santa is real but Jesus is. Howard said it makes the church seem really welcoming too.
Howard said there was a story about a mall Santa who told a fat kid to knock off the hamburgers and fries. Howard said now the kid is being interviewed by a lot of people about that. Howard said Santa could lay off too. He said this is so great. Howard played a clip of the kid being interviewed about what Santa said to him.
Howard asked who would put their kid in the lap of a stranger. He said that this guy is just some guy who could be homeless for all they know.
Howard said tomorrow they'll hear from Underdog Lady who also thinks that Santa is fake and Jesus is real. Howard played a phony phone call the guys made to a radio show as a mall Santa and he tells kids that Santa isn't real. The host of the show tells him he should be punished. The fake Santa said he hates kids and he loves playing jokes. Then he tries to get in a plug for his Santa rental company.
Howard said that Bobo will be in today. He said Wolfie visited Bobo in Florida while he was preparing for the essay test. Howard said they caught Bobo stealing a line from Greg Gutfeld. Howard played the clip of Greg making an analogy about the election and then a clip of Bobo calling in and using the same analogy on the show.
Howard said as punishment Bobo was banned for 2 weeks. He has to come in and write an essay today. Howard said it was going to be on plagiarism but they changed it at the last minute. Howard said if Bobo gets an F they will have a Bobo Free Winter and he'll be stripped of his name. Howard said if he gets a C he gets a 2 week ban. If he gets an A he'll be called the biggest superfan ever.
Howard said that Wolfie went down to visit Bobo in Florida and he says plagiarize as ''Pa-lay-ger-eyes.'' Howard played a clip and Bobo was screwing that up.
Howard played a clip of Bobo talking about the prep he was doing for the essay. Bobo said he was locking himself away in his shrine and trying to ''dabble into his subconscious'' so he can bring his A-game that day. He said he wanted to memorize the 750 words that he had to write. Howard said he memorized it and it's completely useless to him now. Howard said they changed the topic for him.
Howard said Bobo even has the layout ready to go. He played a clip of Bobo talking about how he was going to lay out the paper. He had every detail down for how it was going to look.
Howard wondered how he's going to get it to a 5th grade level. Howard played a clip of Bobo talking about how he's figuring out the number of words. Bobo said he figured if he did 1200 words he'd be over 750. He said that way he's ready if he forgot about 400 words. Howard said that's Bobo math. Howard said he's such a pisser.
Howard said this interview is so fucked up. He said he's practiced writing the essay so much he has pain in his hand. Bobo called it tennis elbow. Howard played a clip of Bobo saying he's written the essay about 12 days straight. He said now he has pain in his hand and this is where he wishes where he was ''aman-dex-rus.'' He called his pain tennis elbow. Howard asked if Robin can believe this fucking guy. He asked how he's going to pass this test.
Howard said Bobo probably copied some test and he's trying to remember it. Howard said Bobo has tennis elbow in his hand. Howard said Bobo even called Scott Schmaren to help him memorize his essay. Robin said that's very ambitious of him.
Howard said Bobo says he'll be crushed if they take his name away from him. He said it means everything to him. He said Bobo says he's going to leave that name to his children. Howard played a clip of Bobo talking about how he would feel he was screwed over if that happened. He said he thinks Howard really likes him and he knows he's a good person. Wolfie asked him why it's so important to him. Bobo said it relates him to the show. He said it's something for the kids too. He said they'll have all of this to look at some day when he's gone. Bobo said they'll have his awards and his time on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard said it's like when he took the bag of Sal's pubes and put them on his face. Robin said he's got the bogus awards and being on the Howard Stern Show. Howard said the kids will have his legacy.
Howard had Wolfie on the show and said he did a good job with that. Howard said Bobo had the essay all prepared but then he changed the topic and he started reading it on the voicemail. He said he read it fast because he claims to be a speed reader. Howard played a clip of Bobo reading the essay really fast. He was basically just reading a synopsis of what he had done. Howard said he would have failed him already. Bobo breaks down crying in the clip too.
Howard said he's like Nixon in that clip. Howard said there you go. He said good job to Wolfie. Howard said Bobo will be coming in a few minutes. Wolfie said they'll have to put him on suicide watch if they take away his name Bobo. Howard said there has to be punishment for his stealing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it would be great if they just gave away Bobo's name to someone like him. Howard said that's a great idea. Howard said they can have a contest and give the name away to someone who wants the name. Howard said this guy should get it. His name is Paul. Howard said if he loses his name he'll get it. Robin said he's ready to take the name on. Howard said they could give the name to Jared Fogel. Paul said it would be great to give it to someone like him. Howard said good idea. He told Gary he's putting him on hold.
Howard asked if Bobo is there yet. Gary said not yet. Howard said he can't wait to tell Bobo the news that they have someone ready to take his name.
Howard took a call from a guy, David, who said Bobo needs to be banned from Twitter. He said that he does some Stern Show art work and Bobo retweets it without crediting him. Howard said they can't deal with that yet. Howard took a call from Paul Bobo. Paul tried to come up with a question. He asked what ever happened to the Daesh hotline. Howard said he's perfect. Howard said it's not that easy to be Bobo.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said the worst thing is when Bobo refers to himself in the third person. He said when this punishment came up he suggested that he be banned and he never got so many positive tweets in his life. He said people want him banned. He said he hopes he's banned forever. Ralph said he just takes up time and he's dopey and dumb. He asked why that guy Paul wants to be Bobo. Howard said he wants the name.
Howard let Ralph go and took another call from a guy who said after hearing Wolfie's interview there's no way that Bobo is going to get an A. He said he's already proved that he doesn't listen to the show. The caller said he's Bobo Nick. Howard played a ''Ban Bobo'' song parody and then went to break.
Howard asked if Bobo is nervous. He said he's going to be tested with this essay. Bobo said the essay he wrote he did all himself. He said he had offers for people to write it for him but he wanted it to be organic for the show. Howard said his hair has never looked more ridiculous. Howard said it's lifting in the front. Bobo said he had them put grey in it. Robin said hair does not look like that. Bobo asked if he looks 63. Howard said he looks like he killed a porcupine and put it on his head. He said the color doesn't even match. Robin said she's not sure what happened there. She said it's really a mess. Howard said he has to get rid of that thing. He said it looks synthetic. Howard said Phil Spector's hair looks more natural.
Howard said Bobo is going to meet his teacher soon. He said he's going to write a 750 word essay and he has a chart of criteria that the teacher has. Howard said that he might get an F and he'll be off the show for 3 months and he'll lose his name. Bobo said that's going to kill him. Robin asked if he can write as well as a 5th grader. Bobo said he can. He claims that in 9th grade he started to pull up. Howard said this is on a 5th grade level so it might be a problem.
Howard said his kid's legacy is on the line now. Bobo said he sat his sons Carmine and Nicholas and told them about his legacy. He said that he was on the show for almost 30 years. He said he thinks the fans respect that he's never been a guy to go to the head of the line or anything like that.
Howard asked how long before the kids throw everything out after Bobo dies. Robin said it's all gone that day. Robin said he might go into the wood chipper with the stuff.
Howard said there's a guy named Paul who will get his name if he loses it. Bobo said that's plagiarism. Howard said it's not. Bobo said he can't just step on board. Howard said there are a lot of Human Newman and Johnny Dark's out there. Bobo said he's the original Bobo. Howard said if he gets an A he will be named the number 1 superfan.
Bobo asked if they can put a shelf life on this losing his name thing. He said he can't lose it forever. Howard said it's only a 3 month ban to be off the air but he loses the name completely. Howard said he'll be Steve. Howard said he's okay with it because he'll never plagiarize again. Robin said Bobo won't even admit the stole the line from Greg Gutfeld.
Howard said they're going to meet the teacher now. Her name is Alexandria. Howard asked how long she's been a teacher. Alexandria said she's been a teacher for 6 years total. Howard asked why they can't hear her. Her microphone was down. Howard said she holds a BA in comparative literature and more. Howard said Bobo is a long time superfan. He said he's going to write an essay and he'll have a topic in a minute. Howard asked Bobo how old he is. Bobo said he's 63. Howard said he has to be graded on a 5th grade level. Howard said he has a BA in nothing.
Howard said they give Bobo the blue book and he has to write 750 words. Howard said his name doesn't count in the 750. Howard said none of that counts. Howard read Alexandria's criteria about the test and she's looking for very specific things. She said she is. She said when you teach writing you want to make sure the students have flow in an essay. Howard said Bobo just has the flow-bee. Howard asked how much time he has to finish the essay. Alexandria said he has about 45 minutes. Bobo said he should have until he's done with it. Howard said she can't spend all day there. He said she's a Yale graduate. Alexandria said she thinks that's plenty of time for that essay.
Howard said he's also graded on penmanship. Bobo said he has okay penmanship. He said he thinks he should have an hour to write this paper. He said he was prepared for the plagiarism essay and now they changed it. Alexandria said she prefers block letters over cursive too. Howard asked if he can spell plagiarism. Bobo spelled it wrong. Howard said it's a good thing they changed the topic. Bobo said he practiced it. Alexandria said it sounds like he was saying it in a strange way. Howard asked Gary to spell it. Gary spelled it right and Bobo said that's what he just said. Howard said he's not sure what he's saying.
Howard said this is going to be some disaster. Howard asked Alexandria if she will deduct for bad hair. Alexandria said she wants to be as fair as possible and she won't do that. Howard asked if she could tell he had a hair piece on. Alexandria said she could. She said it's very noticeable in HD on the TV in the green room.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's a teacher and she thinks that he's in the Special-Ed spectrum. Howard asked Bobo if he ever took the short bus. Bobo said he didn't.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he thinks he'll test at a 5 year old. Bobo told him to get off the phone. Jeff also asked to be left on the air. He said his radio isn't working. Howard told him to ask one of his friends to buy him one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's kind of curious to know why they hate Bobo so much. Howard said he loves Bobo. He said plagiarism won't be tolerated on the show though. Howard said Greg Gutfeld was robbed of a joke. He said at least he's there to take his punishment. Bobo said he never hangs up on Howard and he always shows up on time or earlier than he's supposed to. Bobo said here's the $99,000 question. How does this have anything to do with Greg Gutfeld if he isn't writing about plagiarism. Howard said he'll tell him after a song. He played a parody about Bobo being banned for 3 months.
Howard said he has to correct the song and he'll be banned until April. Howard said this is the beginning of the test now. Howard said Alexandria is a top teacher and she's going to grade Bobo on the topic they give Bobo. Howard said the topic is going to be about who he thinks is the most unethical person in history and why. Howard said he should write 750 words and he has 45 minutes to complete it. Bobo said smoke is coming from his head. Howard said he will write this down for him. Howard said he has to write about who is one of the most unethical people in history and why. Howard said this has to do with plagiarism because it has to do with ethics. Howard said it's a reasonable question for a 5th grader.
Bobo said he can't think of someone. Howard said the person and the examples must be real and verifiable. Howard said you can't just say that it's someone you know. Bobo said he has a guy in his head. Bobo said he's not sure he can come up with 750 words. Howard said he has to give 3 examples of one person and why they are unethical. Howard said he has to go in and get an A. Bobo said this is going to be a travesty. Howard said he's going to lose his name to Paul if he doesn't pass.
Alexandria asked if they can give Mariann the number 1 superfan if he fails. Bobo said he'd be happy with that. Howard said if he gets a D he's not sure what happens. Jason said it's a 2 week ban and he loses the Bobo name. Howard said he has to get a C or better not to lose the name. Howard asked what the C gets. Jason said it's just a 2 week ban. B is nothing and an A is getting the number one extreme superfan title.
Howard played another song parody about Bobo. He said he'd like to see him come out of there with a C at least. Howard said they're pulling for him. Robin asked if he's going to read the essay to them. Howard said he will and they'll post it on the web site too.
Howard said that Alexandria has to grade Bobo like a real student. He told her not to get friendly with him and be fooled. Bobo asked what has to be factual in this thing. Howard said he has to make it all factual. Howard said he has to stick to the facts. He said it has to be historical and verifiable. Howard said this is a 12 year old level. Bobo said he's not sure a 12 year old could do this. Howard said that they learn about history and people who have participated in the world. Alexandria said she had some kids writing a 5 page paper on morality recently. Bobo said he read ''To Catch a Mockingbird.'' They had to tell him it's ''To Kill a Mockingbird.'' Howard said Bobo just failed.
Howard said they have to wish Bobo a fond adieu. He said he'll go take his test and they'll hear the results tomorrow. Howard said Bobo is ready for the challenge. Robin said she thought Bobo's wig was going to fall off when he read the topic. Robin asked if they really have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Howard said Alexandria needs time to grade the test.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Bobo is going to fail. Howard asked if there is any chance he could pass. The caller said he gives it a 1 percent chance. Robin said there's no way he's going to be able to keep the Bobo name. Howard said imagine when Bobo Paul calls in. Howard said they said Trump couldn't win so maybe Bobo can pull it off. Robin said if he gets an A they'll all be flabbergasted.
Howard took a call from a guy named Chad who was calling in as Bobo from St. Louis. He asked if he can get access to Bobo's Twitter. Howard said he doesn't think they have any control over that.
Howard took a call from a guy whose phone was making noise and the guy wasn't talking. Howard made some noises with his megaphone. Howard said Bobo mails his hair piece to a place that grooms it for him.
Howard went to the green room microphone and listened in on what Alexandria was telling Bobo about how to write his paper. Howard asked what Shuli is ding in there. Shuli said he's monitoring it in there. Alexandria said that Bobo is filling in his name and date on the paper. Howard said he wishes she were his teacher. Howard asked if she ever yells at anyone. She said she did that early on but not anymore. Howard said she's just awesome. Howard said if he had a teacher like this he might have done well in class. He said he'd like to hire her to teach him English.
Howard said Shuli is in there to make sure things go well. Shuli said she gave him a tip on how to sketch out the idea of what he wants to write on the blue area of the book. Howard asked if they're ready to begin. Bobo said he's just putting down some notes. Bobo was ready to say it but then Howard said maybe it's best not to say anything. Howard said it's time for the exam to begin. Alexandria told Bobo to keep some things in mind and what he should do in the test so he has a nice flow to it. She said he has 45 minutes and he may want to brainstorm with some of that time. She said 750 words is a lot. Bobo said he has smoke coming out of his head.
Bobo asked if he should keep it looking nice and skip some space. Everyone was laughing. Alexandria gave Bobo some suggestions about indentation and things like that.
Howard said he just realized that Alexandria said it's just six paragraphs or so. Bobo gave his math on how to do 750 words. Howard asked if Bobo knows anything about what she's saying. Bobo said he knows what a paragraph is. He said that it's a group of words that make up sentences. He said you skip a line after each one. Howard said that's right and laughed. Howard just said ''Wow... wow...''
Alexandria said if Bobo needs to get rid of anything just draw a single line through it. Bobo said he has a special pen that he uses. He said he has some special pens in his bag. Alexandria said these pens will work just fine. Bobo said his pens have number 6 floating ink in them. Howard said the guy who wrote ''To Catch a Mockingbird'' wrote in that ink.
Howard said it's time to start now. Alexandria told Bobo more details and had Bobo start his paper. Howard said ''See you in April, pal.'' Bobo thanked him for that. Howard cut off the microphone in the green room and said he can see Bobo is already writing. He said this is the stupidest thing they've ever done and they've done some stupid things.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who said he hopes Bobo passes. He asked if he thinks that Jessica Chastain is hot. Howard said he thinks she is. Tommy said that Trump said she's not. Howard said he thinks she's really hot. Howard said he sees her in the movies and she's hot. Tommy said he doesn't think so. Howard said she's such a good actress that it adds to her hotness. Tommy asked if he's seen the commercials for this Ms. Sloan movie. Howard said he hasn't. He said he doesn't watch commercials. Howard said she's hot and that's enough of that.
Howard said he'll teach you about hot. He said when you choose a spouse you don't just pick on hot. Howard said 5 seconds after you blow a load you're stuck with a person. He said it's not all about looks. Robin said you have to be charmed and enchanted by a woman to be with her. Howard said he says this with peace and love and you have to understand this. Howard said don't get tricked by hot. Howard said when he sees Jessica Chastain he think that he'd be able to talk to her after blowing a load inside her. Howard said he thinks they could have a conversation about family or whatever. Howard said you might get trapped with someone who says they read ''To Catch a Mockingbird.''
Fred asked if there is any way Bobo can get a reprieve. He said he walked out] of there in a daze. Howard said he's being graded on a 12 year old level. Howard went to break after that.
Howard played a phony phone call the guys made to an internet radio show using clips of Baba Booey using lame one liners to try to pick the host up.
Robin asked where that is a radio show. Howard said the woman sounds like Popeye. Howard said they say they don't like Baba Bizzle but they kept him on for a few minutes. Robin said that one woman started cursing him right away.
Howard said he has another Baba Bizzle call. Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were doing an impression of that woman's really deep voice. Howard said that's really Baba Booey in that call. Howard said he has the hots for her.
Howard said that her radio show is fascinating. Howard asked what she talks about in that show. She said it's mostly about her colonoscopy. Howard said he liked the line about how all Baba Bizzle wanted for Christmas was her two front tits.
Howard said he has president elect Donald Trump on the phone. He took the call from fake Trump who said that they're bringing that Merry Christmas thing back. He said anyone who doesn't use it will be made an honorary Mexican. Trump said everything has to be just right for January. He said that he's going to have Arnold Schwarzenegger take over for him on The Apprentice.
Howard asked fake Trump about picking Ben Carson for his cabinet. Trump said Ben is there. He put him on the line but he fell asleep.
Howard asked fake Trump about not giving Chris Christie a job. Trump said he did give him a job. He said he stands there and they pull down his pants to laugh at his fat man ass in meetings.
Howard spent a few more minutes with the pre-recorded clips of fake Trump. Howard asked about the protests and things like that. Trump took a dump out his window and then told Ben Carson to clean it up. Howard let him go a short time later. He kept going back and forth with him on who was going to hang up first. The guys playing the pre-recorded clips kept telling Robin he was going to deport her to Mexico or Africa.
Howard said he promised a two-fer Baba Bizzle phony phone call. Howard played the second call the guys made using clips of Gary as ''Baba Bizzle.'' In that one they called another radio show and had him saying the goofy pick up lines to the hosts of this show. They kept him on for a few minutes and talked about how sick that man is. They said the devil is always busy. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Bobo is still taking his test. He said he thinks he chose as his topic Richard Nixon. Howard said about 3 minutes ago he was spelling it ''Nickson'' and just realized it a few minutes ago. Howard said he corrected that. Howard said he's not tipping him off to anything else. He said if he's the main guy he's going to get an F. Howard said the proctor and Shuli are both watching Bobo do his thing. Shuli is watching over his shoulder with a very confused look on his face. Howard said Bobo has about 10 minutes left in the test.
Howard said Dave Attell is there. He said he's super funny and he does it all. Robin asked what this look is this morning. He was wearing a hoodie. Dave said he looks like an Uber driver's Uber Driver. Howard said he is a comic's comic so that's a good reference. Howard said he's headlining at Caroline's.
Howard said he's told Dave this many times. He said he feels like the world was his oyster. Howard said he heard he's kind of down. Dave said yes. Howard said he's bummed out about show business and thinking of retiring. Dave said it's hard to follow the president. He said he's not sure if he can close.
Howard asked Dave what has him so down. Dave said he thinks his career died about 10 years ago. Howard said stand up is tough. He said the club owners aren't seeing the business they used to see. Dave said it's actually a renaissance of comedy but he's not a part of it himself. He said there are more comedy clubs than ever actually.
Howard asked Dave if he's upset he doesn't have a Netflix special. Dave said that will open it up to other people like Clooney. He said Chris Rock has a deal now. Howard said he would have predicted that Dave would be in that group. He said he thinks he's just as funny as those guys. Dave said they're at a different level of comedy. He said he thinks Netflix might pay him an Epi-pen and reward miles.
Howard asked why he's thinking of retiring. Dave said it's not retiring but just doing it for fun. He said the road is tough. He said 2016 was great and hard for comedy. He said that he was in Cleveland while the game was happening. Howard asked why he'd book a gig during that time. Dave said he didn't know it was going to happen. Howard asked how many people were there. Dave said it was soccer fans. He said the crowds were all awesome. He said it wasn't full. He said the people on the streets were going nuts. Dave said tickets for the game were like Hamilton money.
Howard asked if Dave has seen Hamilton. Dave said no but he knows the cast went at it with Pence when he saw it. Dave said he's been yelled at by a man wearing a wig so it's not that surprising to him.
Howard asked Dave if he feels like the older guy now in comedy. Dave said yes. Howard said the younger people like Amy Schumer are getting the big money now. Dave said she's an amazing comic. He said she deserves it. Howard asked why he wants to retire then. Dave said he's not going to say it's all bad. He said Kevin Hart did a gig at The Mohegan Sun. He said it's a theater show. He said it's 10,000 seats. Howard asked what the difference is between that kind of comic and a club comic. Dave said that it's a different thing. He said that he introduced Kevin to his agent. Howard said Gary was talking about how he's thinking of retiring to a retirement community and he's walking around with a cane now. Dave said he does. He said he has bad knees. Dave said he's too old to do cool jobs so he was going to get into dog grooming. Dave said he would always do stand up though. He said he did a show for seeing eye dogs and Robert Klein was there. He said he's the original guy. He said he was out there in the 70s. He said he's up there telling jokes and playing Harmonica. He said the dogs were having a good time. Dave said he can't get out of it.
Howard said Dave says that he's best up on stage and he'll write jokes on the spot. Howard asked how you do that. Dave said for him he thinks that he feels you should push the material. He said some guys do an act but there's more to it. He said he pushes it and that's part of the job. Howard said the better comic is the guy who will get himself in trouble saying something but that's more authentic. Dave said that's a good take on it. He said he thinks the best comics that Howard has had on have something to say. Dave said he's more of a joke guy. He said he always goes for the funny.
Howard asked Dave to tell his joke about the reverse cowgirl position in sex. Howard asked if he had to think about this a long time. Dave said he thinks about how ugly the guy was for the woman to invent that position. Howard said he watches porn and he sees that position. Dave asked if he's really still watching. Howard said he does and it turns him on. Dave said he thinks he's tapped out. He said that it's more like watching news for him. He said he sees there's a stepfather stepdaughter problem out there.
Howard said he watched porn last night. He said it was stepsister and stepbrother stuff. Howard said the one girl left the door open and the guy fucks one girl and the other sister is saying that's disgusting. Then she sits on her sister's face and they go at it.
Dave said you have to suspend your disbelief when you watch that stuff. He said they all have tattoos. Howard said they do and it can ruin it for him.
Howard asked Dave if he's watching porn. Dave said he's been editing lately and he does go on the porn sites. He said it's just not happening for him so he watches the old school stuff. Howard said it's too much bush for him. He said he loves fake tits too. He said the real ones are all deflated. Dave said he likes the bush so big he can't see her balls.
Howard asked if he watches chicks with dicks. Dave said he doesn't at all. He said it's like ''pick a side'' for him. Dave said the enema thing is too messy for him.
Howard asked if Dave is dating at all. Dave said not really. He said he did go on a date. He said he and his date went to a show at the New York Armory. He said they walked in and it was like video tape slo-mo of people shitting. He said it was like an anti-art show. He said it was holding hands and watching people dropping a deuce in slow-mo. Howard asked if he really went on a date and saw that. Dave said he did. He said he's so old he's not even sure what's going on.
Howard asked Dave if he was in the bathroom. Dave said he was not. He said he was with his lady there. Dave said these day dates are so treacherous. He said they can fail in so many ways.
Howard asked Dave if his knees are really so fucked up he has to use a cane. Dave said they are. He said he's not sure how Howard does it. He said that he uses the Kettlebell thing. Howard said he does too and he's hit himself in the head and balls with it. Dave said you can smoke while you do it. He said he's still smoking and he can't stop. He said it's that and the porn. Dave said he can feel it now but he loves it. Howard said he looks good. Dave said he smokes a pack and a half a day at least. He said if he's editing he smokes 2.
Howard asked if he brings the cane with him. Dave said he does. He said he brings it on the plane so he can go to the front of the line.
Howard asked Dave about Garry Shandling and Kevin Meaney dying. Dave said it's depressing. They brought up Robin Williams killing himself too. Howard said Garry Shandling and Robert Klein were guys who did great on the Tonight Show. Dave said he knew Kevin Meaney too. He said he went through a lot of changes. He said he never got his due but that's just how it works. Howard said Dave is doing fine though. Dave said he is.
Howard said Dave was a writer on Saturday Night Live. Dave said he was but he didn't go to the anniversary show. He said that's just not his thing. He said he learned a lot about show business working there. Howard asked if it felt weird to give his material to someone else. Dave said yes. He said only Howard brings that up. He said you give up your jokes for the Weekend Update guys. Howard said he writes stuff and he can talk about it and it becomes his. Dave said it's tough writing for someone else. Howard said it must be tough for guys who write like that. Dave said that you never hear the guys saying you gotta give it up for the writers.
Dave said that Norm just did a book. Howard said Norm Macdonald wrote about Dave in his book and he was jealous of him for dating Sarah Silverman. Howard said norm was super jealous of him. Dave said it's sort of fictionalized stuff. He said Norm said he wanted to contract kill him. He said he loves Norm. He said he talked to him the day it came out and he never brought it up. He said he didn't know it was in his book.
Howard said it's exciting when it's written about like that. Dave said Norm is one of the funniest guys in the world. He said you don't really know what's going on up there. He said that guy is really funny.
Dave said that he did a show with Sarah Silverman, Kevin Hart, Margaret Cho and others. He said that Keith Robinson had a stroke and he got up and did a thing up there. He said he can still do it even after the stroke. Howard asked how old he is. Dave said he's in his 50s. Dave said he's going to be 52 himself but he feels 62 and probably smells 72. Howard said it's in his blood to be a comic though. Dave said he's doing it for his mom right now.
Howard asked if he has old feelings for Sarah when he works with her. Dave said that he's said this before on the show. She's way out of his league. Howard said maybe there's something between them. Dave said that he'd say that it's great to see people you know doing their thing. Howard said it must be great to see someone that you used to work with. Dave said it was fine. Howard asked if there was attraction there. Dave said the ladies on the show stepped it up and looked great. Howard said he's avoiding the question. He asked if he was attracted to her. Dave asked who isn't attracted to their ex-girlfriend.
Howard said Dave had scary thing happen. He had to give his mother the Heimlich maneuver. Howard gave him a plug for his Caroline's gig that's coming up in a couple of weeks. Dave said you should leave now because of traffic. Howard said traffic is really bad with Trump in town.
Howard asked what went on with his mother. Dave said she's in her 80s and they meet up on the weekend. He said his dad died about 20 years ago when he was in his 30s. Dave said he likes to get Chinese food with his mom. He said they are Jews so they do that. Dave said speaking of that Hanukkah is coming up. He said his favorite day is the 5th day which is Cinco De Hanukkah.
Howard asked Dave what happened to his mom. Dave said they were having dumplings and his mom has a very narrow wind pipe. He said that they were having these dumplings and his mother started choking. He asked if she was choking and she said she was. He said she was talking to him though so he wasn't sure what was going on. Dave said he figured he had to do the Heimlich. He said she's like 80 so he was doing a gentle Heimlich. He said nothing popped out. He said one thing led to another and one of them may have shit their pants. He said there was a smell in the room. Dave said he could have shit his pants. He said he thinks he did. Howard said the worst thing to do is to get a boner while doing that. The second worst thing is to shit your pants. Dave said he had to go to the hospital after that. He said he's a failure even as a son. He said he did the Heimlich the wrong way. He said they were spooning.
Howard asked Dave why he wasn't on camera on Saturday Night Live. Dave said he doesn't know. He said he is on the new Pete Holmes show on HBO. Howard said Dave was on this nice trajectory in his career but that big thing never hit. Dave said he likes being a comic. He said that's just what he does. Howard said he thinks it's one of the toughest things in the world to do. Dave said it is tough. He said that kids these days get into it thinking they're going to get a sitcom. Dave said he never thought like that. He said he did Amy's movie and Judd Apatow brought him in to do some riffing on the Pete Holmes show.
Howard asked Dave who decides to go on first and last in the shows they do on the road. Dave said he loves doing shows with Jeff Ross. He said Jeff is like the guy with classic comedy timing. He said he knows that timing. He said when they're together on stage it's great. He said they do it on stage together. He said he wanted to bring Jeff in with him to see their amazing timing. He said they bring people up on stage and Jeff roasts them a bit. He said it's not like a normal show.
Howard said he likes that idea. He asked how often they do it. Dave said they do it at the Comedy Cellar a lot. He said they have a couple of gigs coming up soon. He said one is at the Borgata and one is in Pennsylvania. Dave said he likes to see what's going to happen up there. He said it's exciting.
Howard said Dave knows the show and he wants to talk to him about a few things. Howard said Sal and Richard took a lie detector test and they came out as gay. Dave said he'd like to know the difference between gay and very gay. Howard said the needle spun around a few times on this. Howard said the needle actually drew a picture of a cock.
Dave said he doesn't know about that. He said the better dresser is usually the gay one. Howard said that would be Sal. Dave said they should get their own webcam show so they can all enjoy it.
Howard asked Dave if he's a political guy. Dave said he's not. Howard said guys like that can turn off a lot of fans if they pick one side. Dave said he has been following it. He said this is his favorite part where Trump is picking his team.
Howard asked Dave if he heard about Ronnie's story about jerking off after hearing his parents having a threesome with some woman. Dave said that is awesome. Dave said he didn't know what a three way was until he was about 20-something. Howard said Ronnie heard his father telling this woman how to do anal. Howard said this is better than his Heimlich story.
Dave said that explains a lot about Ronnie. He said he's seen it all. Howard said he thought he hadn't seen it all and that's why he was so into sex. Howard asked if Dave has ever jerked off to his parents. Dave said his parents were always good people. He said they'd yell and then there would be quiet. He said maybe that's what it was.
Howard asked Dave when he's going to get a woman. Dave said he has to find a Jewish girl. Howard said he is attracted to anything with a vagina. Howard said he thinks that he has to be because of his looks. Dave said he thinks he needs a Jewish woman. He said he thinks in about 5 years he's going to be really religious. He said he's going to go hang out at B&H in a few years. He said he wants a kid but doesn't want to be married. Dave said that Trump has a young kid. Mick Jagger has a young kid. He said Kirk Douglas is 100. Howard asked if he uses condoms. Dave said he doesn't even have sex. He said if he had a kid he'd tell him that he can do anything he wants but he can't be a comic. He said he's done gigs with the kids of comics himself. He asked if this is Game of Thrones or something.
Howard asked Dave if he can think of any son of a comic who has raised above his dad. Dave said Evel Knievel's son has done that. Howard said he can't think of a kid who has done better than their dad in comedy. Dave said it works in acting and music. Howard said maybe Rob Reiner. Howard said Pauly Shore might be funnier than Sammy Shore. Dave said he knows Pauly.
Howard said Sammy Shore was funny. Dave said he was. He asked if he ever saw him live. Howard said he saw him on TV but not live. Howard asked who is funny now. Dave said he's super excited for Dave Chappelle's Netflix special. He said all of the guys he's been talking about are great. He said Chappelle is the guy you see and you connect with as an experience.
Howard asked if Dave has ever seen someone who is just okay and then they click and then they get huge. Dave said he thinks Ali Wong is like that. He said she's doing great. Dave said that's a really good question though. Howard said some people start out kind of sucking and then something clicks. Howard said he read about Steve Martin being like that. Howard said his book is unbelievable. Dave said he thinks that Albert Brooks was like that too. He said guys like Judd Apatow are great too. He said he's good at a lot of stuff.
Howard asked Dave if guys steal his jokes now. Dave said they tweet it out. Howard said he'll tweet maybe 10 times a year. Howard said he got yelled at for tweeting too much in the beginning. Howard said he bailed because he didn't like writing a joke. He said he's going to do it on the radio if he's going to write material. Dave said he gets that. He said there are twitter comics who do that for a living. He said he gets that. Dave said they are up against these YouTube sensations now. He said they come through the clubs and the comedy club owners tell them that they do like 20 minutes and they do a meet and greet for the rest of the time. He said the kids grow up watching that stuff and that's what the future is. Howard said the future looks bleak. Dave said it does.
Robin asked what state Dave is in. Dave said his knee is feeling good today. Howard asked if he's thought of going to the next level and dress up like the YouTube star. Dave said he could dress up like the guy who gets beaten up by the deer. Howard said he doesn't like that.
Howard said Dave has said it all. He said they love seeing Dave. Howard said he's headlining at Caroline's from December 28th to the 30th. Howard said that's like 2 or 3 days. Dave said it's 3 days. He said he's also with Jeff Ross at the casino shows. Howard said you can find out more at DaveAttell.com. They went to break after that.
Howard asked Bobo how he feels. Bobo said he feels okay. He said he came up with two people. He said he only used one. He said that he wasn't able to spell Bernie Madoff. He went to Nixon instead. Howard said he went to Nixon but he spelled it wrong at first. Bobo said he was thinking of his son Nicholas so that's why he spelled it wrong.
Howard asked Bobo if he thinks he passed the test. Bobo said he thinks he did but he didn't get to 750 words. He said he used up all of his time but he doesn't think he got to the right number of words. Howard said he wrote 4 pages and the teacher said it should have been about 9.
Howard said he's worried about the paragraph thing. He said he's not sure he knows what one is. Bobo said he should have indented more. He said one paragraph was just one sentence. Robin said that is possible.
Howard said Bobo counted how many lines he did and did math to figure out how many words he got that way. Bobo said he thinks he was pretty descriptive with his essay. He said he counted lines and figured out how many words and ''Bam, bam.'' Howard called him Bam-Bam after that.
Robin said Bobo should have had enough time to write the essay and count the words in that 45 minutes. Howard asked Bobo about some of the stuff he wrote about Nixon. Bobo started to explain it and Howard said he's going to fail. Gary asked what Nixon lied about. Bobo said it was Watergate. Howard asked what Watergate was. Bobo said it was the handling of the government and everything was misappropriated. Howard said the teacher took home the exam and she'll come back tomorrow with the results. Shuli said he saw one worded that looked like it was either country or community.
Howard said Bobo had a problem figuring out where to start page 2 in the blue book. Bobo said he didn't want to do it wrong. He said he was also thinking. Shuli said it was like a tug of war going on in his head. Bobo said his head was smoking from thinking about Nixon. Howard said he doesn't want to be a downer but he hopes he's enjoying his last days as Bobo. Bobo said he can't have some guy calling in as Bobo. Howard said Alexandria said that he might not be the brightest student in the class. Howard said Bobo called Mariann from Brooklyn and called her his ''confident.''
Howard said they'll find out tomorrow how he did. Howard said it sounds like he might have flunked on word count alone. Bobo said he thinks he got the spelling down. Shuli laughed and didn't think so.
Howard said Bobo brought in his notebooks with the questions he has for the show. Gary said he has 3 of them. Gary asked Bobo about why he gets halfway through and doesn't fill up the whole book. Bobo said he lost a lot of his information in Hurricane Sandy. He said he just stopped.
Gary also found a song that Bobo wrote about highway 95. He said he has notes to himself in the book too. He said that he has notes about how he was on terrestrial radio from 1986 to 2005. Bobo said that's just how long he's been listening. Gary said he has his notes color coded too. He read off what they mean. He read some of the notes about what they stand for.
Howard had Paul back on the phone and he'll become Bobo if Bobo loses his name. Howard said he's going to be Paul Bobo. Paul said that he's been offered the certificate of achievement award if Bobo loses this thing.
Howard took a call from another guy who wants the Bobo name. Howard said there will be a lot of Bobos out there after this.
Howard took a call from Bobo's Toupee who said he looks horrible in person. Howard asked if Bobo is dying his eyebrows. Bobo said they're the natural color. No one believed that. Shuli said that's his natural color like that hair is natural. Bobo swears that it's his real color. Fred asked if one is shorter than the other. Bobo said he was trimming them one day and he took too much off. Howard said they are two different lengths. Howard said he knew something was up. He said the hair distracts you from the eyebrows. Bobo said he asked for his hair to be spiked so it would look natural. Howard laughed. He said the color is completely off because he has to send it off to be serviced. Bobo said he sends a sample of his hair along with it. Robin said the hairline is weird. She said it's closer on one side and further back on the other. Robin said it's just like his eyebrows. Howard said Caitlyn Jenner's pussy is more natural. Howard said it looks like a hair net on him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she thinks Bobo deserves a punishment but they're being so cruel. Howard said they are. Robin said it's all based on Bobo's performance. The caller said this is an extreme punishment. Shuli said Bobo told him that his wife is a hair dresser and on the second date he leveled with her that his hair wasn't real. He said he thought she couldn't figure it out.
The caller said taking Bobo's name away is cruel. Bobo said that's his legacy. Howard told him to keep saying that because he can't get enough of it. Howard said Jerry Sandusky has a better legacy than Bobo.
Shuli asked what's up with the turquoise jewelry. Bobo said he has a bunch of stuff on. He had a Howard Stern watch on. Howard said he looks like an Indian. Shuli said he does look like an Indian with that thing on his head.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Bobo has to keep the faith. She said he kept asking her where the building is. Mariann asked where the pictures are. Jason said he's getting them up there now. Howard told him to come in there and take some pictures of Bobo's hairline. Mariann said she wants to see his eyebrows too.
Mariann said she wants to see his tennis elbow hands too. Howard told Jason to get his hair and face in a picture. Jason took one that Howard liked. Robin said he has to take a profile picture.
Mariann said that Bobo studied so hard for weeks. Jason got a copy of the essay and he's not sure how he did. He said he has nice handwriting though. He said it looked pretty clean. Robin asked if he has concise or well formed paragraphs. Jason said no to that. Will said that Bobo was using the same thought for all of the pages he was doing. He said he just kept saying the same thing over and over. Bobo said you have to get to 750 words somehow.
Howard played a song parody about the Bobo Free Winter. Mariann told Bobo to keep the faith. Shuli asked Bobo if he would be willing to get rid of his wig to get his name back. Howard said that's not on the table. He told Shuli to get out.
Howard said that he wants Bobo to know this. He said they're very excited about tomorrow's Christmas spectacular. He said Bobo will be a part of that. He said Amy Schumer, Beetlejuice and Bubba the Love Sponge will be part of it too. Howard said he can give a little sample of what it's about. Howard said Robin has to go to the bathroom and they stop at Bubba's house. Howard played a clip of Robin talking about how she got the squirts and had to go to the bathroom. Then they stop at Bubba's house. Bubba had some video of Ronnie jerking off to his parents and also some video of Richard eating fart bubbles when he was in high school. Howard and Robin fly off soon after.
Howard said that's theater of the mind. He said he's not sure Bobo was able to follow. Shuli said it doesn't look like it. Howard said he'll play the rest of it tomorrow. He said JD will be singing. He said everyone is looking forward to it. He said ''Right Steve... I mean Bobo.'' Bobo said ''Oh please.'' Howard did a live commercial read and said he'll kick Bobo out after that.
After that Howard said they'll see Bobo tomorrow. He let him go after that. He let Shuli go too. Howard asked if there's any chance he passed. Robin said no way. She said he wasn't able to figure out how to turn the page and keep writing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why they can't ban Mariann. Howard said she didn't do anything wrong. The caller said her voice is pretty bad.
Howard took a call from a woman who was calling from California. Howard asked how the weather is. Howard said it's freezing there. Howard said it's not unbearable but it's getting close. Robin said they've had snow there. Howard said he didn't see it.
The caller said Howard has such a loving heart and she loves what he is but she's being super mean to Bobo. She said he's going to kill himself. Robin said he can handle this. Howard agreed. Howard said maybe they are being rough on him. He said they had to come up with something. He said you can't let someone plagiarize and get away with it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wants to be Bobette. She said that she thinks she's uncreative too.
Howard said when they worked for Sumner he came over to him and congratulated him on his success. He said he had to tell him that he's suing him. He said Sumner may not have been aware that he was suing him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a college radio show and asked if he has any tips for him. Howard told him to try to do a serious show. He was telling the guy this in his father's voice. Howard asked how old he is. The guy said he's 22. Howard told the guy to go in and learn to work the equipment doing a straight radio show first. Then branch out and do more. Howard said he's not sure that will even work.
Robin read a story about a young boy who was dying and he wanted to meet Santa. Robin said they sent him a Santa to fulfill his final wishes. Robin said this boy was 5 years old. Robin said Santa got there and he explained what happened. The Santa said that the 5 year old was told he's the number 1 elf. He said then he asked him if he could help him and then he passed. Howard said he heard the kid asked when he'll know when he's going. Howard said he can't even handle that story. He said he was just 5 years old. Howard said he can't be mean to Bobo anymore. He said he might not be able to take away the Bobo name. Robin said he died in Santa's arms. Howard said that's so sad. Howard said that fucking wrecks him.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump announcing who will be secretary of state toady. Robin said that it should be this guy who is the CEO of Exxon. Robin said his name is Rex Tillerson. Robin read about who this guy is and read about some other people who are getting cabinet positions from Trump. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing clips of fake Sumner Redstone. Robin was trying to talk to him but they were just playing clips so it wasn't easy to have a conversation.
Robin read a story about today's Jeopardy and how they'll have someone who is already dead. Robin said this woman died of cancer in September. Robin said she recorded the show earlier and she knew it would be aired on December 13th. Robin said she did not make it. Robin said she got to compete and her boyfriend wrote that she was a bad ass. Robin said he said that everyone should watch her on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks they have to go a month or two without Fred. He said he's a bully. He said he puts down Benjy or Richard and Sal. He said he never talks about Robin or Howard. He said it's annoying. Fred said this is the first time he's ever heard that. Howard said Fred does give him a big smack in the head once in a while. He said no one sees that.
Robin read about how Bill Cosby is back in the news. Robin said the lawyers will be arguing about who can testify in his sexual assault trial. Robin said prosecutors want to bring in 13 different women who accused Cosby of assaulting them. Robin said that they say that his age should be taken into consideration because he can't remember.
Robin had some audio of President Obama talking about the election and the Clinton emails being the major topic of the election. Robin had a few clips for Howard to play from The Daily Show.
Robin read a story about Loretta Lynch being in town to shine the light on hate crimes toward Muslims in America. Robin had some audio for Howard to play.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said that JD has to read Bobo's essay. Howard said he might have to have Bobo read it. He wasn't sure who should read it. Howard said Bobo reading it might be appropriate. Robin said Bobo should get to hear it in his own voice. Mark said JD should be a backup.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked between Fred and Benjy who would help him get rid of a body. Howard said he doesn't know. He said Fred is a tricky guy. Howard said if he had to get rid of a body Fred would say he has to do what's legal. Robin said he'd get caught up in the ethics. Howard said Benjy is way weirder. He said he'd probably go to Benjy but he'd probably go to Fred. The caller said Fred is the man to go to. Robin asked if Fred would help. Fred said it depends on the circumstances. Howard said this caller sounds like a guy who has gotten rid of a few bodies. Howard said that's a strange question to come up with. The caller didn't think so. He said he and his friends come up with this stuff. He started to tell a story but Howard said he has to go. He said he could tell that was going to be boring.
Robin brought up Christmas gifts and how she's concerned about what she got for him. Howard said he'll like it. Robin said she's not so sure.
Robin read a story about people who say that you don't have to try so hard shopping for someone. Robin said most would be just as happy with something quick and easy. Robin said they say this isn't just some ploy and they actually studied it and people are easier to please than we think. Howard said he's glad he's reading that organization book. He said she tells you that you don't have to keep stuff people gave you. Howard said she says to just throw it out. Howard said he'd never do that with what Robin gave him. Howard said he's just going to throw out Gary's gift without unwrapping it. Howard said Gary once gave him a watch to measure how far you run. He said it was so complicated. Howard said he threw it out. He said he measured out how far he was going to run with his car instead. Howard said the watch never worked. He said he was more confused than Bobo when he opened it up. Robin asked if it still works. Gary said he still uses his. Gary said he's gotten him some decent gifts over the years. He said he got him a photo book with pictures of him from years on the show. Howard said he never looks at that shit. He said most of the people he has a bad feeling about. Gary said that's true. Howard said he's not a negative person. He said Beth didn't even try to retrieve that photo book when he threw it out.
Robin read a story about a laborer who took bathroom pictures of a co-worker who had ovarian cancer and then threatened to show them to people if she didn't have sex with him. Robin said he's an iron worker. Howard said that's his favorite porn. Robin read more details about the story and how the guy asked for her to pay him with her panties. Then he followed her to a portable toilet and banged on the door and raised his hand taking photographs of her. Howard said this is how he met Beth. Robin said the guy openly bragged about this and shared the photos with people at work. Robin wondered who would even look at that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how infants being born with drug addictions is on the rise. Robin read the details of that. That led to Howard talking to Wendy the Slow Adult clips and asking her questions about that stuff.
Robin read a story about 1 in 6 adults being on psychiatric medication. Howard said his drug is folding clothes now. Howard said he's never taken drugs like that and he never will. He said he told his psychiatrist that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how they did a study that found monkeys have vocal chords to speak but their brains aren't wired to do it. Howard asked if it's possible to inject them with something that could increase their intelligence to get them to speak. Robin said they are doing research like that. Robin said her cats are always carrying on and she'd like to know what they're carrying on about.
Robin read a story about mass executions taking place in Alleppo as Syrian forces are going through the town. Robin said the United Nations is saying that they have reports that over 80 civilians were shot on sight. Robin said many were shot in their homes. Howard said they wouldn't last a day there.
Robin read a story about New Jersey possibly passing a law that would outlaw marriages for anyone under the age of 18. Robin said some law makers are saying that some people are forced into arranged marriages so this would put a stop to that.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump turning over his businesses to his sons while he's in office. Robin said he's saying there will be no new deals while he's in office.
Robin read a story about it being the birthday of basketball this month. Howard didn't know that. Robin said it was invented to keep athletes vigorous through winter.
Robin read about Dolly Parton having a telethon to raise money for the people who were involved in the wildfires that went through Tennessee. Robin had some details about that.
Robin read a story about a show on HGTV called Flip or Flop and the husband and wife on the show have announced they are divorcing. They will continue to work together in their business life.
Robin had Howard play a clip of a song and said that is Beyonce. Robin said she was just nominated for best rock performance for that song. Robin said some people are questioning that. Robin said Jack White performs in it and it has Led Zeppelin clips in it so that's why they're saying it's a rock song.
Robin read about how Adele was rewarded big this year for her song ''Hello.'' Howard said they really have to retire that song. Fred played Robin singing the song after Howard played the actual song.
Robin said Donald Trump got a letter from Richard Nixon early in his career. He's thinking of putting it up in the White House when he's in office. Robin said that Pat Nixon thought he was really great and if he was in politics he'd be a big winner. Robin said Nixon quoted his wife in that letter to Trump.
Robin read a story about how there will be a lot in the sky tonight. Robin said there is a meteor shower happening but the moon might drown it out because it will be so bright. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started the show talking about the Christmas version of ''The Great American Nightmare'' they started the show with. Howard said he has to spell all of this shit out. Robin said she heard it.
Howard welcomed everyone to the Christmas Spectacular. He said they take two weeks off at the end of the year. He said they're going away so today is the Christmas Spectacular. He said that means a lot of fun. He said he has a lot of stuff in the line up. Howard said it includes Bobo's grade. Robin said she could hardly sleep last night.
Howard said today they'll be saying ''Ho, ho, ho now!'' instead of ''Hey now!'' today. Robin asked if Bobo is around. Howard said the only person who knows what's in the envelope is the teacher and Jason. He said Jason had to take a look. Howard said Ralph asked if they're betting on this. Howard looked for the email he got about that. He suggested betting on Bobozo's grade. Howard said they could bet over/under on his D grade and things like that.
Howard heard a knock on his door. He said it's Perez Hilton. It was fake Perez who came in and said he and Santa were out partying. He was freaking out about it. He said if Howard knew what happened he'd be freaking out too. Perez said he stuck his finger in Santa's asshole and he got an infection so he's sick now. He said he never washed his finger that he stuck in Benjy's asshole. He said that's his E.Coli finger. Howard said he thought he was going to use a different finger. Perez said he forgot to because they were drunk.
Robin asked if Santa is vomiting. Perez said Robin is the nurse so she should figure it out. Perez said he put the finger in his mouth because he thought it would taste like candy cane but it tasted like shit. Perez said he's sick and he can't handle the sleigh anymore. He asked if Howard can take it over for a few hours.
Howard said Perez is asking him to take the sleigh out for Santa. Howard said Perez has to rest in the green room. Perez said he's sick and puking. Howard said he loves that Robin is treating this like a Scorsese film. He said she's following the script.
Howard said he and Robin now have the keys to the sleigh. Howard let Perez go and said now they can take the sleigh out for a ride. Robin said they now have Santa's sleigh. Howard said that's right. He said they're going to get on it and see what happens.
Howard played the next part of the scripted bit where they go on Santa's sleigh. Robin and Howard went to visit sick kids. One kid said Howard looks horrible. Robin said they're terminal so this could be their last Christmas. Amy Schumer came in and said that she visits and gives back to kids in need every year. She asked the kids who wanted their first lap dance. She put her ass in a kid's face. The kid told Howard to stop being such a cock block.
Howard told Robin he was ready to go but Robin was showing her tits to the kids there. That killed one of the kids.
Howard said this is some Christmas spectacular. Howard said how about Amy Schumer showing up. He said Robin whipped out her titties and killed a kid.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't understand what's going on. He asked where Santa is. Howard explained how Perez Hilton stuck his finger in his asshole. He caller asked who Perez is. Howard said if they have to explain this then it's not so special. The caller asked who licked the shitty finger. Howard said he has to go. The guy asked what radio is and said he doesn't understand what's going on.
Howard said this is so much fun. He heard a phone ringing. Howard said he's going to kill himself if it rings one more time. He said he wants this over with already.
Howard had Evil Dave on the phone. Howard asked if he's in the Christmas spirit. Dave said he's drinking his favorite drink which is made of chipmunk cum and other things. Howard said it's been some time since his show ended. Dave was rambling about something not related to Christmas. Howard asked Dave what he thinks of Donald Trump. Dave said he admires someone who says it like it isn't. Howard said Dave's not even following the script.
Howard started over so the guys playing the clips of Dave could get back on script. Howard asked Dave about Trump again and they got back on script. Dave said some racist things but said he loves the blacks. He asked Robin if she'd shove a candy cane down his pee hole.
Dave asked if this has ever happened to him. He said that he put the tree in the trunk and the dead hooker on the roof. Howard said he's glad Dave called in. Robin said she's surprised he's up this early. Dave asked if he can pay her 200 dollars to drink eggnog out of her ass. Robin asked him to raise the offer a little.
Dave was making jokes and had sound effects that he'd play after his jokes. Dave wished them a Merry Christmas. He said he'll be sending out gifts to late night shows with a gift card and a box of his shit. He ripped one out and said merry Christmas to James Corden.
Howard said all they could get was Dave out of all of the late night hosts. Howard told Dave who is going to be on the show today. He said they'll have Bobo and Will the Farter in later. Howard said Nick Cannon, Lenny Dykstra, Tracy Morgan and more will be on. Howard asked if Dave had anything else to say. Dave said no. They argued about who was going to hang up first.
Howard asked how this is so far. Robin said it's great. She said they have a great line up of stars. Howard said that was a very racist David Letterman. Howard said he can't believe how much Dave has changed.
Ed said the other thing he wanted to say is that he got a hand job and a blow job. He said there's controversy over who knows what he's talking about there on the staff. Howard told him to take care. Ed said he wants to explain. Howard said he's sure there's going to be a knock at the door any minute. Howard heard a knock and said he has to go. Ed said that's him knocking. Howard asked how he can be on the phone and knocking. Ed said he's on a cell phone. Ed asked Howard to do something for him. He asked if the person who is in the controversy can step forward. Howard asked if anyone knows what he's talking about. Ed said he's not going to say the person's name. Howard asked if someone there blew him. Ed said that's not it. Howard said it must be the person knocking on the door. Howard knocked and said he's going to be in any minute.
Gary said Shuli may know something but it's too weird to talk about on the air. Shuli asked if this has to do with someone who has been on the show before. Ed said yes. Howard said this is bumming him out. Shuli said Ed had all of his top teeth pulled. He bought a home made kit on Amazon to replace his missing tooth. He said it's for one tooth but he's making his own dentures in his microwave. Ed said they look good. He said he used a thing for manicures.
Howard said that Ed got laid and a hand job from someone who was on the show. Shuli said that he also went on PlentyOFish.com. Howard said imagine going on that site. Howard heard knocking again. Ed said he won't mention Shuli again and he can give another hint. Howard said someone says Ed is wanted on another show there at Sirius. Ed asked if he can give a hint. Shuli said no one knows. Howard said the door knocks are him slamming his head into the wall.
Howard asked Shuli what's going on. Shuli said Ed says he got laid on PlentyOFish.com 10 times and none of them were hot. Howard said imagine how desperate he is. Howard said he's making his own teeth in his microwave. Howard said girls want a guy who doesn't look like he's going to shove them in a garbage bag. Shuli said he slept with some chick and stuck his penis in her peanut butter jar. Ed said it was his own peanut butter. He gave it to her. Howard asked why he'd fuck peanut butter. Ed said it's because she was married. Howard said the peanut butter was single. Ed said she bought his house.
Shuli said Ed had rectal itch and he moved to a tooth brush to scratch his asshole. He lost the toothbrush in his house and he found it under his couch finally. Howard said someone is on the phone who wants to know if he's ever fucked a mayonnaise jar. Ed said he never has.
Ed said they should be saying happy Hanukkah instead of Christmas. Ed said he has to tell a story. He said he guarantees that everyone in the back office knows what he's talking about. Howard said no one cares. Shuli said he's the only one who keeps in touch with him and he doesn't even know what he's talking about.
Howard asked if he came in the peanut butter. Ed said of course he did. Howard said he'd feel so bad about himself if he did that. Shuli said he fell in a shit bucket a couple of months ago. Ed said that was a secret. Howard said the peanut butter fucking wasn't.
Ed asked what the strangest thing is that he's made love to. Howard said Fred maybe. He said he's only made love to women. Howard said they have to take a break.
Howard said the premise is that Perez is getting serviced by Benjy. Perez said he's going to finger Benjy again. Benjy let out a yell as he was getting fingered. Howard asked if Benjy is okay. Benjy was still screaming.
Howard said it's the most wonderful time of the year. He asked if Benjy is okay now. Benjy was still screaming. Howard said he'll check in with Perez later. Howard told Benjy to feel better. He said Perez pulled him into the green room and got it on with him.
Howard said it's time to get on the sleigh again. He played a clip where they flew over Nick Cannon's house and stopped in to say hello. They had Nick talking about reading his kids a Christmas poem called ''White Christmas.'' Nick was getting crazy with the poem so Howard and Robin took off.
Howard said radical Nick was reading to the kids. Howard said he just got word that Perez is tittie fucking Benjy now. Howard got him back on the squawk box. Benjy wasn't screaming anymore. Perez said those were screams of pleasure.
Howard took a call from a guy (someone in the office) who was asking how they get out of the studio on the sleigh if they don't have windows. Howard said he's taking it too literally.
Howard said JDini is the Merlin of Mushmouth. The mangler of languages. Howard said he's the sorcerer. He said he's good at watching TV and devouring snacks. JDini was doing a goofy voice for this character. Howard said they have to get into this now. He said he uses his turban for a jizz rag. He has a belly full of knowledge. Robin asked if he changes his sheets. JDini said he does. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he won't be changing them anytime soon. JDini said he changed them this past weekend.
Howard asked if he's going to see his girlfriend at the Christmas party. JDini said yes. Howard asked JDini to open their eyes about the future. JDini said assholes on Twitter will complain about this bit. Howard said he knows they will. Howard said they wanted him for Christmas so they got him.
Howard asked for more predictions. JDini said that George Takei will star in a new Broadway play called Guys and Guys. Howard asked what size pants he's wearing now. JDini said he hasn't changed. Howard said never mind that. JDini said instead of sniffing other dog's asses they will start sniffing Benjy's shirt. Howard had him try another one. Robin said she doesn't know what he's talking about.
Howard asked Robin to tell him when he should stop this. JDini gave a prediction about Hugh Hefner dying and going to heaven and he can't tell the difference between the mansion and Heaven. JDini also said that the Jews and Palestinian's come to an agreement that Robin has sweet tits.
JDini predicted that JD wins a Grammy for Best Foreign Language record. Howard said he has the timing of a corpse. He said he mangles everything written for him.
JDini predicted that a phone call to the show will come in clear. He said Caitlyn Jenner will become a dolphin after another operation. He said an earthquake hits New York City and Sal bites Richard's dick off.
Howard asked JDini what he's wearing to the Christmas party this year. JD said he has a shirt and a jacket to go with it. Howard said Ralph doesn't have much to do now and he came over to pick out his Christmas outfit. Howard said he wanted nice jeans and a jacket. Howard said Ralph wanted him to wear a suit so he picked that out. Howard said he's not going to wear it. He said he's just going to wear what he wants to.
Howard had JDini get back to his predictions. He predicted that his wedding will end with ''I now pronounce you mumbler and wife.'' He also predicted that monkeys can produce the Howard Stern Show. JDini also said that a terrorist blows up a nuke in Times Square and it almost wakes up Gary. He said Beth will come down with a terrible illness every time Howard asks to have sex.
JDini said he has two more predictions. He predicted that the cast of the Lion King will feed Mike Pence to an actual lion. He said his final prediction is that Michael Rapaport will win an Oscar... never mind, he can't even get a cameo on Supergirl.
Howard let JDini go after that. Howard asked if that was horrible. Robin said it was semi-okay. She said there were moments of mirth in there. Howard said they wanted JD in the Christmas Spectacular but this was the only way to go. He said they were going to have him sing karaoke or something. Howard said he started out slow and then peaked.
Howard said Benjy is in there even though he wasn't supposed to be on the show today. Howard said it looks like Benjy is gaining more weight. Benjy said he was depressed but he's not now. He said he's off the medication but he's having trouble sleeping. He said he's working on that now. Benjy said he's at about 256 on his home scale. Brent asked if they can check it in there. Howard said it's always 15 pounds more there. Benjy got on the scale and he was at 263 or 264. Howard asked how tall he is. Benjy said he knows he's fat.
Howard said Alan Thicke just died of a heart attack and he was in shape. Howard said there's no chance he'll die on a hockey rink. Brent told him that getting his weight down will help him sleep.
Benjy said that they have all of that weight on that side of the building with him, Jon and Jason there. Gary said this is the second shirt Benjy has had with a tag attached to it. Howard said he thinks he does it so they'll bring it up on the air. Benjy said this shirt is so expensive he's trying to figure out if he wants to keep it. Howard said that's the lowest thing to do. Benjy said he'll keep it. He said it's very expensive. Benjy said it's like $180. Howard asked how he got in there. Howard said he wanted to bet on Bobo and now they're talking to Benjy.
Howard said it's weird that they get into this instead of Bobo. Howard said it's so great not having him in the studio. Howard asked if anyone wants to bet on the Bobo thing. Benjy said he thinks he will pass. He said he thinks he got a C- at least.
Howard said Bobo didn't get 750 words though. Benjy said for a 5th grader it should be fine. Gary said that's what the test was. He said they told him in advance what it was. Benjy was arguing. Howard said this is what's going to happen when Benjy is in there. Gary said if he did 400 words that's a fail. Benjy said it's 5th grade standards though.
Howard asked if they want to bet. Gary said he could care less. Jon Hein wanted to bet. He said he thinks he'll get a D. Howard said if he's doing an over under then that would be a push. Howard said he can't see how he's going to pass. Jon said he thinks the teacher won't fail him. Jon said he made very long paragraphs. Gary said he bets he fails. He said they spent a long time talking about this on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He said he thinks he fails. Jon said he thinks he will pass.
Howard said there's an over under on this. He said he doesn't know what that means though. Brent explained it to Howard. Howard asked if he could get an F. Shuli said yes. Shuli said he should have been at page 9 based on 5th grade standards. Howard said he's sticking with the F. Shuli said he's with the under as well.
Benjy was willing to be Howard. Jon was too. They threw a couple hundred bucks out there. Brent said he doesn't think he fails. Robin was willing to bet Brent on that. Jon said that he wants to bet straight up. They ended up arguing about what they were betting on.
Howard said he liked the idea that a D was a push. He said fuck you Jon. Jon said that Bobo is the favorite on this bet. Howard said a total fucking moron would get an F. Brent said he is a total moron. Howard said an F is if you're Beetlejuice. Gary said they're not the same F. Howard said he's betting he'll flunk. Jon is betting that he passes. He said a D is a push and no one wins.
The other guys were throwing out some bets and Benjy was the only one saying that he'll get a C-. Howard asked if they can complicated this bet even more. Gary asked if plus and minuses are on the table. Jason came in and said like in school it's graded on a 100 point scale. He said it corresponds to a letter grade. Jason said failing is 59 and below. He said he has a letter grade that corresponds to that. Howard said he thinks he's going to win if 59 is failing. Jon said he'll go 200 with Howard. He said he's going to pass. He said it's his gut. Jon said he was in the education business for a long time and he thinks he will pass.
Shuli said he saw the look on Bobo's face. He said it's like a monkey putting blocks into a puzzle. Howard asked how they went to this from the Christmas special.
Howard said he's going to bet Jon. Jon wasn't going to do the push thing. Howard said he's not going to bet Jon. He said he wants a push. He said he's saying he'll get below a D and Jon should say it's above a D. Shuli said it should be pass or fail.
Howard was arguing that a D isn't passing. Jon said it's passing. He said F is for fail. Howard said he doesn't want to change any rules. Howard said he wants a $200 bet and a D is a push. Jason said Jon is getting the better end of the bet. Howard said he knows. He said Jon just wants him to give him 200 bucks.
Howard asked if anyone there wants the bet. He said he's willing to take the bet that a D is the push and anything over or under is the bet. Benjy said he will bet that. He said he thinks Bobo is going to get a C-.
Gary said he doesn't think he'll get higher than a 59. Howard said maybe he and Jon are back on. He said Gary is saying there's no way he can get more than 59 points. Robin said that's a low standard. Jon said 59 and under is him and 61 and over is him and anything 60 is a push. Howard said he'll take that bet.
Howard asked Benjy if he has money on him. Benjy said he has a credit card. He pulled out cash and he did have over $100. Howard said he's betting Jon Hein on this. He asked if anyone else is betting. Gary asked Benjy if he would take that bet. Benjy said he didn't hear the bet. They had to explain it to him.
Benjy bet 62 and above with Brent and Shuli. Howard took a call from that guy in the back who was confused about the whole special today. He didn't know what was going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a 5th grade teacher. He said 64 is the line for an F. He also said they should kick Benjy out of there because he doesn't listen to anything. Howard said the whole promotion was that he wasn't going to be in the Christmas special today. Howard said this guy is saying that 64 and below is failing. Howard asked if this teacher said 59 is fail. Fred said that's what he's reading online.
Howard said he doesn't know what's going on. He had the guys bring in Alexandria who tested Bobo yesterday. Howard asked her if that's the right number. Alexandria came in and said that it's complicated. Howard asked if she wants to marry Benjy. Howard asked what an F is. Alexandria said the easiest way is to explain how it works. She explained the criteria for what Bobo had to meet and how there's a 6 point scale. She said the total possible points he could have would be 102. Howard asked how that's possible. She said to get an A+ would be 100-102. Howard said that ain't happening. Howard asked what an F would be. Alexandria said anything lower than a 43 is an F. The caller said she's being way too nice. The caller, Joe, said that the pass fail margin is 64 percent. Joe explained how the testing would work. Alexandria said it doesn't work that way for her. Alexandria explained how her testing works. Howard said he has to be able to get a 43. Robin said she doesn't think he can even get an F.
Howard said all bets are off. Benjy said he thinks he got a 53. He even gave the number of points he got in the test in the sections.
Howard asked if he can go home now. Alexandria said if they want to take bets they should figure out 6x17 being an A and 5x17 is a B... Howard was confused and said he has to get out of here.
Benjy said he thinks he got 51 or above. Alexandria said it's not super difficult. She explained how to figure it all out. Brent said they got into this line of work not to figure out math.
Howard asked if Bobo will score higher than his age which is 63. Gary said he'll take that bet. Howard said all bets are off. Benjy was still asking to bet that he got at least 51. Howard said he wanted to go with A through F. Howard said he doesn't think Bobo could be a 43. Robin said she doesn't think anyone can flunk this test.
Howard said Bobo isn't too bright but he should be able to pass this. He said he didn't come up with the right number of words. Howard said he was hoping for a Bobo Free Winter.
Howard asked Alexandria to look at him so he can read her face. Howard said he wanted to figure out if he got an F. Alexandria said this is very intimate. Howard said he's very uncomfortable staring at her. Benjy asked her to stare at him instead. Howard said this is all a huge waste of time. Joe said he bets that Bobo fails and he yelled out to Robin that he wants to see her tits. Howard wrapped it up and went to break after that.
Howard said they have Santa's sleigh after Perez Hilton gave it to them. Howard ran down the story about how that happened. He went to Perez and asked if he's feeling better. Perez said he was doing better but then he heard Robin singing and started puking again. Ronnie came in and started yelling at Perez. Perez then fingered Ronnie's ass. Ronnie screamed at first but then he told him to take it easy and started to like it. Then Perez's boyfriend came in and caught him fingering him and went off on him. Howard said it's time to leave them. Howard said both of them were fingering Ronnie.
Howard said he's going to fire anyone who wrote that. Howard said they have Santa's sleigh so it's time for another ride. Howard then played another pre-recorded bit where he and Robin took the sleigh out. They saw Lenny Dykstra fingering women so they stopped to say hi. Lenny sang a song about how he can still eat pussy without his 10 front teeth. Howard said he learned one thing this Christmas and that's women like men who don't have their front teeth. Howard and Robin took off again after that.
Howard said he and Robin are back in the studio again. He heard a knock on the door and it was Will the Farter. Will said season's greetings Howard. Howard had to ask him to repeat that. Howard asked what he's doing there. Will said he's there to spread cheer over the whole Sirius family with his jolly asshole. JD was laughing and said this is great. Howard said he reads about as well as he does.
Howard asked Will for a farty Christmas Carol. Will said he just tuned his instrument this morning. He was ready to lay down and perform a song. Howard had him get on the floor in his underwear and start blasting. Will started farting and Richard was making dry heave sounds. Howard said it stinks in there. He said it's the first time it ever made it that far over there. He said Richard is starting to vomit.
Howard said the Today show tried to book Will but he's loyal to them. Will kept farting to Christmas music and Richard was dry heaving over it. Richard said it smells like a shit took a shit. Howard told him to grow up and try to handle it. Richard said it smells like cauliflower that rotted. Howard asked what he ate last night. Will said he had meat loaf with onions and jalepenos in it.
Will said he thinks he has turd stuck in his asshole. He said he can get it out though. He said it's like a cork in his ass. Howard asked what he has to do. Will said he can just suck it back in.
Howard said he thinks he likes this without the music. Will had to move around to get the farts out. He moved to doggy style. Howard asked what he just did. Will said it will go now. Will started farting again. He blasted one in Richard's face. Howard said this is fabulous. Will kept blasting. Will farted along to ''Jingle Bells.'' He had more trouble getting his farts out. Howard said this is a choke. Will said it's not a choke. Richard said it reeks over there.
Will started to fart again. Howard asked why he loves this so much. Robin said it's funny to watch Richard and JD moving around over there. Richard told him not to shit because he's off the plastic. Will said it's might be his underwear. Howard told him to pull them down. Richard said now he's really going to throw up. He said he has a hairy asshole. Will blasted out some more farts and Richard dry heaved. Howard said Richard just threw up. Richard was heaving. Howard said Will is on Chaturbate.com as MasterWill77. Howard said you can find him over there. Will said it's for anyone bi or straight.
Will asked if he can blast one in Richard's face. Richard said no but Howard told him to go for it. Richard told him not to shit on him. Will blasted on his face and Richard asked why he's doing this again. Howard said he doesn't know. He said it's just funny to see his face near his asshole. Will told him to get in closer. Richard said something hit his face. Howard laughed. Robin said Merry Christmas. Richard said he thinks he just shit on him. He said something hit his cheek. Howard said he saw that. Howard said there's a piece of meat loaf in his hair.
Howard thanked Will for stopping by. He said his performance was really great. Richard said he loves that he's dressed like an athlete. Howard let Will go after that.
Howard asked if she can sing a song for them. Underdog said she won't sing anything about waiting for presents or about Santa. She said she'll only sing about the nativity. She said that she'll be singing in Latin as well. Howard said he wouldn't want it any other way. Howard had her sing a song. The guys played her singing in Latin. Howard said he really has to go. Underdog broke into another song. Howard said he has to go. He said goodbye but she was still singing. Howard hung up on her.
Howard said this is some show with Underdog and farting and all of that. Howard said he was looking in the paper this morning and the new Star Wars movie is getting great reviews. Howard said they have him very charged up.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's excited about the new Logan movie and who he thinks should replace Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Howard said any of those guys who look the same. Howard said there are a bunch of guys like that. Robin said Ryan Reynolds maybe. Howard said he's Deadpool. Robin said he's been others.
Howard took a call from Underdog who was still singing. Howard let her sing a little longer. Howard took another call from a guy who asked if they'd be willing to sell the Bobo paper for a donation to the North Shore Animal League. Howard said they'll have to see. He said he has to take a break and get to the Bobo test results. Howard said they have to find out if it'll be a Bobo Free Winter. Robin said there's a lot on the line. Howard said he's exhausted already. Howard said he'll take a break and find out what happened with Bobo. Howard sang about finding out about what happened to Bobo. He made up a song and sang for a minute. He played a Little Mikey song parody about Bobo as they went to break.
Howard asked Bobo if he had a good night. Bobo said he did not. He said he ran into his own shoe with a steel toe and he may have broken his pinkie toe. He said he had his lights dimmed last night. He said the hotel was very nice but he doesn't went to say where it is. Howard said that would be horrible to have fans show up where they're not supposed to be.
Bobo said his greatest fear is to lose his name Bobo. He said if he goes to Steve it means he did the Bobo thing for nothing. He said everything in his shrine is ''Bobo.''
Howard played a song parody about Bobo. Bobo said he wrote an apology letter to Howard. He said he was up last night writing it. Robin said Howard has inspired him. Howard said he loves Bobo but he knows there's controversy there. Howard said people know he's a softee. Howard said Bobo can't steal though. He said Alexandria knows that. Robin asked if she saw any cheating yesterday. Alexandria said she didn't.
Howard let Bobo read his apology letter to him first. Bobo read the note he wrote about plagiarizing Greg Gutfeld. Howard cut him off asking Alexandria if she fell asleep the whole time she read Bobo's essay. She said she read it carefully a couple of times. She marked it off with red pen. Howard asked if she writes suggestions as she reads it. Alexandria said she does. She said she'll make notes on the paper. Howard asked how long it took to go through it all. Alexandria said maybe 10 minutes. She said the first read through is when she marks it. She said the second one is when she makes notes. Howard asked if it's true she used up 14 red pens during that grading and ran out of ink. Alexandria said she didn't run out.
Howard asked Alexandria about the grading and how that works. Alexandria said it's pretty numerical. She said the great thing about the way she grades it lets you grade without emotion. Howard asked if she found herself nauseated by Bobo. Alexandria said she didn't at all. She said that she likes Bobo and he's a very nice person. Howard asked if she's ever read an essay and felt stupider after. Alexandria said she has read essays and had headaches from them from trying to understand.
Howard asked if Bobo will be Bobo or will he be Steve. Howard said if he gets an F he becomes Steve Bowie from Florida. Bobo said he's killing him. Bobo asked if he can go on with his apology. Howard thought he was done. Howard read more about what his grades get him. Bobo could be named the number one extreme fan if he gets an A.
Howard asked Alexandria if she's ever taken away a students name for failing before. Alexandria laughed and said she has not.
Bobo read more of his apology note and asked Howard not to take away his Bobo name. He said other people don't have his charisma and legacy. He said if they take it away he'll be forever lost. Howard said it's too bad they can't grade that letter. He said that's something. Howard thanked Bobo for that.
Howard said Alexandria has a lot of grading there. Howard said they have to talk before opening the envelope. Howard asked if there were a lot of spelling mistakes. Alexandria said there weren't really. She said she thinks some were just typos but she still counted it. She said he spelled completely wrong and wrote ''word'' instead of world. She said that he said ''pat'' instead of ''put'' too. She said he was also writing ''Nickson'' instead of Nixon but he caught that and corrected it.
Howard asked about Bobo's grammar. Alexandria said that was a source of difficulty. She said that there are a lot of irregularities with verb tense and things like that. She said she could go over more of that.
Howard asked if he had 750 words. Alexandria said he had about 538. She said she typed it into her computer and it came up with 536. She said that it's not an automatic fail though. She said she knows people were upset about that. Alexandria said the thing that's true is that if you have that lack of words then it's more likely that it didn't do well with other things. She said there is a category for that.
Howard asked what kind of deduction he gets for that missing number of words. Alexandria said it's 6 points. She said it can make it harder for other categories too though. Robin asked if he completed the task. Alexandria said the task is to identify the most unethical person in history and give 3 reasons why. She said she doesn't think Bobo proved that Nixon was the most unethical person. She said the examples that were given were just the same example phrased differently. Howard said he basically said it 5 different ways. Alexandria said that's right. She said that could bring him down in several categories. Bobo said he thinks he just took an elevator ride.
Howard asked Bobo if he knows what Watergate is. Bobo said he does. He said he was very young at the time thoguh. He told Howard about what he did and what happened.
Howard took a call from Bobo's son (one of the guys in the back) who told him he should have picked Hitler instead of Nixon. He said he's going to go cry now.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Bobo why he's wearing steel toe boots. Bobo said they're just the kind of boots he got and they have steel toes. Howard asked if he's doing construction. Bobo said he wears them around the yard and used to wear them on the job too.
Howard said he's pulling for Bobo. He said he doesn't want to see him lose his name. Howard asked if anyone wants to take action now.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she thinks he's going to get a C. She wanted to bet someone. Howard said he's betting that he's going to hang up on her. He did.
Howard asked Fred what he thinks. Fred said he thinks she won't fail him. Howard said she has that Rubric thing though. Howard said imagine he gets a G grade.
Howard asked Bobo to read some of his essay to him. He said he has the grade in an envelope. Howard asked Bobo to read the essay. Bobo started off pretty good with his comments about why he thinks Nixon was the most unethical person. Bobo continued on and it went south. Howard stared laughing at what he had written. Bobo didn't know the details of Watergate and what had gone on there. Bobo kept reading and Howard said he's supposed to prove he's unethical. Bobo kept going and said ''very'' in a weird way. Howard asked why he can't say it. Bobo said it like ''Veby.'' Bobo read more of his essay and he had the details all wrong. Howard said he's making stuff up. Howard said they know what Nixon did wrong but Bobo doesn't know what he did.
Robin asked if the details of the story impact his grade. Alexandria said that they do. She said that he got a 2 out of 6 on that category. Howard said he might get an H grade. Howard said he has to continue to read this. He said he liked that he chose Nixon but he got it all wrong. Howard explained it to Bobo and said he was going to win the election but he had his henchmen break into a hotel called the Watergate to get information on the guy he was running against. Howard said that's why he's unethical. Bobo said he was so young then.
Howard had Bobo continue reading his essay. Bobo kept going and had all kinds of stuff in the essay that didn't belong in there. Bobo read more and said he was impeached. Howard said he resigned. Howard asked Alexandria when he gets something wrong like that does he get deductions for that. Alexandria said he does. Robin said the staff was in on it so he was wrong about that. Alexandria said part of that is that she was asked to grade it on a 5th grade level. She said she did that based on the timed setting. Robin said Bobo is 60-something though. Alexandria said he did get deductions for those things. SHE said you can't get a zero with this test. Howard said that's a good sign. Howard said he has to get used to calling Bobo by his name Steve. Bobo said ''Oh no...'' Howard played a song parody from Little Mikey who sang a song about ''Bobo the Worst Caller Ever'' to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.''
Howard said this is just terrible. Bobo asked if he can get kicked when he's down. Robin said she was wondering if he had good sentence structure. Alexandria said no. She said several weren't constructed very well. She said the first one was good but there were a lot of run on sentences in the essay. She said he scored rather well in that category.
Howard asked Bobo to read more of the essay. Bobo read more and he had more incorrect details. Bobo went through the rest of the essay and Howard said ''Steve this is looking really bad...''
Howard said he should put him out of his misery. Robin wanted to know what Alexandria thought about flow. Alexandria said with all of those things he scored in the emerging and developing. She said if you look at the 6 points it would be something in the 1-3 point range.
Howard asked Bobo to finish the essay. Bobo read more and he had more details wrong about what he thought Nixon did. Howard told him he was all wrong about that stuff. Howard asked why he didn't bring up when Nixon freed the slaves.
Howard asked if anyone wants to bet. No one came in. Howard took a call from a woman who said she's excited that Bobo will be gone and it'll be a great Christmas. She said that Bobo calls just to be on. She said the rest of them don't call in when they don't have anything to say. Bobo said don't kick a guy when he's down.
Howard asked Bobo if he thinks he's going to be Steve from Florida now. Bobo said he doesn't know. Howard asked if Bobo thinks he passed. Bobo said he's hoping that he can keep his name. He said he built that for almost 30 years now. He said it's his association with the show. Bobo said when someone else calls in it's not him. He said he's Bobo.
Howard took a call from Chad from St. Louis who was calling in about being the new Bobo. He asked Howard about what his favorite moment doing the show was out of all of the years he's done a show. Howard asked if that's in his notebook. Chad Bobo said yes. He said it's green in his notebook.
Howard said they've screwed around enough now. He said this is it. He said he likes to see Bobo sweat. Howard said he has to get to Alan Thicke later. Howard said he was his boss on ''Son of the Beach'' actually.
Howard said this matters to Bobo. He said Bobo tried hard. He plagiarized. Howard said they know under his toupee that it's moist. He said if he gets an F it's a Bobo Free Winter. Howard said he won't be allowed to call until the end of March. He said he will become Steve from Florida. Howard said if he gets a D he's going to get just two weeks off from the show. He still loses his Bobo name though. Bobo said that's worse. Howard said if he gets a C he doesn't lose it. Howard said if he gets an A he's named number 1 superfan of all time.
Howard said Alexandria looks pained as the teacher. Alexandria said she was thinking that with the F it's the most severe thing you can do. She said that the stripping of the name is kind of the worst thing you can do. She said maybe if he gets a D then he doesn't lose the name. Gary said they have to stick to the rules.
Gary said he bets that after he gets this Bobo is going to cry. Bobo said he's done. Howard asked Fred what he thinks. Fred said they should rename him ''The idiot formerly known as Bobo.'' Howard said they have to take the name away from him.
Howard said how about this. He said if he gets a D then he loses the Bobo name for 6 months. Bobo said he'll go with that. Howard said it's up to the guys. Robin said they have to stick with the rules. Bobo asked for a vote with the staff. Howard said they have to go with Robin's vote.
Howard opened the envelope and took a look at the results. Robin said Howard is the first person to see this. Howard laughed when he saw the results. Howard said this is the funniest thing ever. He told him to hold on to his wig. Bobo said he's going to pass out. Howard said this is like school. He said the grade is in red. Howard asked if he's ready for the result. Bobo said yeah but he said he won't be okay. Howard said his overall score is 66 percent. He said he has gotten the grade of D.
Howard said if he had written all 750 words he might have made it. Gary said from now on they have to ask if Steve is okay. Steve said he's going to be miserable. He said this is going to kill him. Fred played Johnny Cash singing ''Hurt'' as they were talking about this. Howard said they're going to have to call him Steve from Florida from now on. Steve said he called the show as Steve just once. He said he took the Bobo name from his brother. That was plagiarized as well. Howard said Bobo should want to rise up and become Steve. Howard said he is Steven. Bobo said different names resonate with people. He said there are a million Steves. Howard said he's Steve Bowie from Florida though. Howard asked why he wants to be a joke to his children. Bobo said he's not. Howard said maybe he can be Steve the Clown from Florida. Bobo said that's awful. Howard said he has to get used to calling him Steve. Howard said he's still a terrible caller. He said no one can take that away from him.
Steve said he knows that people are still going to call in as Bobo. Howard said Fred has to lock in the No Bobo thing. Robin said it's actually No Steve. Howard said he's only off the show for 2 weeks. Steve said he has to take his shrine down now. Howard said he still has his memories. Steve said he feels like he was on a chalk board and he's being erased.
Steve said he would have done better if the essay was on plagiarism. Howard said Alexandria looks sad. Alexandria said she feels bad. She said last night she was going through the categories and she wanted to do a fair job. She said it was actually 52 points out of 102 so that's where the 66 percent came from. She said maybe now he can rise like a phoenix after this.
Howard asked if he scored high in any category. Alexandria said he did score well in his use of time. She said he got all 6 points in that. She said he was also experienced in spelling and capable with main idea. Howard asked how close in points he was to getting an F. Alexandria said most of his points were in 3 and 2 categories. She said if he had lost 9 points he would have had an F. Robin said Steve didn't do that at least.
Howard played a song parody for Steve from Florida. It's not Bobo anymore. Howard said it has a ring to it. He said Steve from Florida is okay.
Howard took a call from Bobo's wife (the guys in the back) who said that the shrine is down. She said the real Bobo is there now too. She said she loves the new Bobo cock. She told Steve to take a hike.
Howard said he can see that Alexandria feels bad for Bobo. Howard said she was very fair to him though. Howard asked Steve if he has anything to say to the fans. Steve said he's in a bad state of mind. He said he doesn't want to see his son today. Howard said don't cancel plans with his son.
Howard asked if he wants to say anything as Bobo in this final moment. Steve talked about how long he's been doing this as Bobo and now he has to become Steve. Robin said he has to get rid of that Bobo style jewelry. Howard said he could have had an F if he was graded on his jewelry. Steve asked if he can get a photo with Howard since he's not sure when he'll see him again. Howard said he did have a certain allure with the Bobo name. Howard said it feels weird calling him Steve.
Howard said Steve's first time on the show was when he stalked him at the hospital. Howard thanked Alexandria for coming in and grading Bobo for them. Howard said she did a good job and she was fair. He said that she pulled for Bobo. Howard said it wasn't easy for her.
Howard said that Steve has to make the most of this. He said that he has to take his two weeks off and say goodbye to the old Bobo. He said he was ridiculed as Bobo and treated horribly. He said now he's reborn and this is his chance to have a rebirth as Steve the Superstar. Steve said they can keep his old notebooks. Howard said there are a lot of cool Steves in the world. Howard said Steve Martin, Steve Jobs and others Steves were great Steves. Howard asked if Steve knows who Steve Jobs is. He thought that he started Microsoft. Robin said it's time for another essay. Howard said there are a lot of great Steves out there. Howard said he's in a great situation now. Howard said Steven Singer is another one. Howard said Steven Stills is one of the greatest song writers of all time. Howard sang to Steve with Celine Dion and ''My Heart Will Go On.'' Howard kept naming famous Steves too. Howard went to break after that.
After the break they played The Eagles ''Please Come Home for Christmas'' and a New York City Christmas bit. They played a song parody about the Bobo Free Christmas. They also played a Lenny Dykstra Christmas album commercial parody. They played Bruno Mars ''Locked out of Heaven'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said it's been a very active Christmas special. Robin said she's still reeling from the whole Bobo thing. Howard said he just had to talk him off the ledge. Howard said he's feeling better now.
Howard said it's been a great year and a great Christmas special. Howard explained what went on with Perez Hilton earlier in the show and said that they have been flying around in Santa's sleigh. Howard said they should take one more trip in the sleigh. Howard played the next clip where they fly over California and stop by a party. They find Tracy Morgan there and Beetlejuice too. Tracy and Beet talk about getting pussy. Then Jonah Hill stops by and Beet calls him a real piece of shit. Jonah asked him to be in his next movie. Howard said he really has to get out of there. Robin was hanging out with Beetlejuice. Robin said she's not sure what came over her. Howard and Robin took off out of there after that.
Howard and Robin returned to the studio. Howard said that was a fun sleigh ride. Howard checked in on Perez Hilton who was feeling better. He said they have a situation there. He said he accidentally shot diarrhea into Gary's eye and now he's sick. Howard told Perez who they saw on their trip around the country.
Howard asked what's going on with Gary now. Perez said that he got Gary sick. He wondered if he should blow him. Howard said he should. Gary was sleeping so Perez started to blow him. Gary woke up and asked what he was doing. He said he's out of there. Gary left. Howard said this is some Christmas special. He said since he's not there maybe Gary can produce while Robin does her news. Perez said he'd be happy to do that. Howard said Gary is such a prude for not letting Perez finish the blow job.
Howard said they're going to take a couple of weeks off. He said they'll be back in 2017. He said they have a special Best of 2016 happening. He said when he gets back he'll do his own retrospective of 2016. He said Tan Mom will sit on a speaker and Ronnie will have more sex tips. Howard said they have so many great things for next year. He said it'll be a good 2017. He said don't kill yourself or party too hard. Howard said Sal will be playing Guess the Muslim.
Howard said that they'll hear from Steve from Florida on January 16th. Howard said this will be his first time on the show as Steve from Florida. Howard said Spoken Word Robin will return as well. Howard took a call from Spoken word Robin and the guys played Robin saying some wild stuff.
Perez said that Alan's son also wrote that Marvin Gaye song. Howard said that's right. Howard played a clip from the show where Alan talked about a pact he made with Joanna Kearns not to sleep together. Howard had some other clips from his interviews with Alan.
Howard read more about Alan and some of the things he did. Howard said he has 3 sons. He said one son did this. He played Robin Thicke's performance of ''Blurred Lines'' on the show. Howard said in 2013 Alan predicted that his son would be on the show some day with a hit song. Howard played a clip of Alan talking about that. Howard said who knew he'd be right about that. Howard said he was a good guy and he was so nice to them. Howard said he was actually delightful to work with on Son of the Beach. Howard said he's pretty sure nothing happens to you when you die. He said you don't go anywhere fun. He said it's like a broken computer. He said it's just over and that's it. Robin said he was feeling good playing with his son and then he's on the ground and he's dead by the time he gets to the hospital. Howard said that might be the way to go. Howard said some people think you should get your affairs together but others think it's best to just go. Perez Hilton said the best way to go is with a finger up your ass.
Howard said they say that Emily Ratajkowski is going to perform at Alan's funeral. Robin said you don't hear a lot about people dying like that. Robin said they have managed heart attacks and people survive a lot. Robin said it's not the killer it used to be. Robin said they say that 325,000 people a year die suddenly from heart attacks. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
During the live commercial Howard ended up asking JD what he got his girlfriend for Christmas. JD said he'd rather not talk about that. He said she gave him a list of things. JD said he gets stuff for himself a lot. Howard said he wanted peanut butter to be licked off a girl by a dog once. JD said alright with that. Howard said there's not chance that JD will die playing hockey. He played a song parody about JD from Daniel Mendelson. Howard said it's crazy that JD doesn't have anything on his list. JD said his girlfriend said something to him the other day about a gift. He said he doesn't remember what it is. Howard let JD go a short time later.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a woman who allegedly murdered her husband with only their pet parrot as a witness. Robin said the parrot apparently started repeating ''Don't shoot'' which they think were the husband's last words. Howard said that's crazy. He said that it sounds like a Three Stooges episode. Jason said it was called ''Order in the Court'' and the parrot pointed out the murderer. Robin said life is imitating art.
Robin read a story about a tech summit that's being held today. Robin said a bunch of people are expected to be on hand. Robin said that Jeff Bezos from Amazon may attend. He owns the Washington Post and Trump has been critical of that paper. Robin said it should be interesting. Robin read about Trump talking about registering Muslims and some tech employees are standing against that.
Robin read a story about Trump being on a thank you tour. Robin said he's going to the swing states that voted for him. Robin said Paul Ryan was booed at an event and Trump had to calm people down. Robin had some audio of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's going on with Sour Shoes. Howard said they don't know. He said he hasn't called in for ages. He said they can't get any calls from Sour. Robin said she's been wondering too. Howard had a song about Sour Shoes. Howard played the song and said they don't know where he is.
Howard said last he heard is that they got holiday cards from Sour. Shuli came in and said he had an explanation for why he hasn't been heard from. He said he was in the pool and he dropped both cordless phones into the pool. He said the switchboard got fried in the garage and they're re-wiring the garage and he'll be calling in soon. Shuli said they have tried calling him and the numbers come up blocked. He said he has called and gotten an answering machine on a number he's never called from before. He said it seems like they're blocking numbers that they know. Howard said maybe his parents have had it. He said he's still living at home and then he drops the phones in the pool. Howard said his dad probably said ''fuck this.'' Shuli said he has his keyboard by the pool too. Howard said it doesn't take that long to fix the phones. They haven't heard from him since summer. Howard said he thinks his parents put their foot down. He said maybe his lack of respect for the phones and stuff is why they shut him off. Howard said his parents have to train him somehow. Howard said the board won't fry from a cordless phone frying.
Shuli said there was also an issue with Sour and a tartar sauce gun at the McDonald's he was working at. He said he thinks he was still working there though. Shuli said that's all he has on him. Howard said it has to unnerve you when you have a guy shooting tartar sauce at you at a McDonald's.
Robin got back to her news and read about Donald Trump picking a secretary of state. Robin said Trump says this will be great for the country.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he was thinking about Bobo last night. Robin corrected him and said ''Steve!'' Ralph asked if he has lost his name forever. Howard said he did and he's off the show for 2 weeks. Ralph said he kind of feels bad for the guy. He said they changed the topic at he last minute and it's like picking on a retard. Howard said stop it. Ralph said he has to be devastated. Howard said he just walked out with grin on his face. Howard said he's fine. Howard let Ralph go a short time later. Howard said Steve will figure out a way to get his Bobo name back. He said they're pushovers there. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Rex Tillerson and how his nomination is controversial. Robin had some details on that. Robin said Nancy Pelosi is saying that his relationship with Vladimir Putin has to be looked into.
Robin read a story about some people who have met with Donald Trump lately. Robin had some audio clips of Jim Brown talking about his meeting with Trump. Robin said that Kanye West also met with Trump. Robin had some comments from Kanye about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was having a conversation with someone else when he picked up. Robin said maybe they can guess what he's doing. The guy was talking about adding a layer of drywall so they figured he was in construction. Howard said that's how you have to talk to guys like that. Howard tried getting the guy on the phone but he wasn't answering. Howard kept him on the line though.
Howard finally got the guy to respond. The guy picked up and Howard asked if he put the fucking drywall in or not. The caller, Aaron, said he did put it in. Robin asked if he put it over the old drywall. Aaron said he did. Howard asked what he can do for him. Aaron said he has an 8 year old Boston Terrier whose eyesight has been deteriorating. He said they had him checked out and he had cataracts. He said they had surgery done and a week later the retina detached and now the dog is blind. Howard said it sounds like the guy botched it. Howard said there's a guy on Long Island who does surgery on animals eyes. He said this guy is good. Howard asked what advice he needs. Aaron asked what Howard would do. Howard said he'd bring him to another doctor. Aaron said they did that. He said they had a specialist check and it seems like one doctor doesn't want to say the other did something wrong. He said the only way they can do something is bring it to the specialist that Howard was talking about and possibly reattach the retina. Howard said he'd do that. He said this guy is good. Howard said he knows a guy who had the same problem and he had to buy the dog books on tape. Howard said a lot of veterinarians don't have the expertise. Howard said he's not saying this guy botched it but some think it's just an animal.
Robin read a story about the new interior secretary that Trump chose. Robin said that Bernie Sanders was on Seth Meyers show last night. Robin had some audio of Sanders talking about how it's time to change the party.
Robin asked how much it should cost if you get herpes from someone you had sex with who didn't say anything before having sex. Howard said that's cold. Robin said this woman is suing for $20 million. Robin said she claims that he didn't tell her before they had unprotected sex. Howard said maybe the guy didn't know he had it. Robin read about how this woman met this man online in 2015 and had unprotected sex at his place. Howard asked why you would do that. Robin said that's her point.
Robin read a story about Jerry Fallwell's Liberty University building a shooting range on campus. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked when Howard is going to ask for a meeting with President Elect Trump. Howard said he doesn't want a meeting. Howard said he thinks these guys are all looking for something and he's not looking for anything. Robin said he has to request a meeting if he has anything to talk to him about. Howard said he's not pushy like that. Howard said if he wants him on the supreme court he can ask him.
Robin read a story about the polar vortex which will be pushing itself into the United States this week. Howard said he doesn't want a meeting with Trump but he does want one with Melania. Robin read more about the weather and Perez said ''That's crazy!'' He also said that he has a breaking story for Robin. He said Pussy is gross.
Robin read a story about the Zika virus being able to replicate itself in the brains of pregnant women. Robin said it also exists in their placentas. Robin said that's how it causes devastating birth defects.
Robin read a story about an anti theft device that's made for musical instruments. Howard wondered if that's really a problem that they have to worry about.
Robin read a story about the Apple Air Pods being available now. Robin said they should be out there in the next week in some stores.
Robin said Walmart is pulling some mugs off their web site. Robin said there are some mugs that say ''Got Retard'' and things like that. Robin said Walmart says the mug was from a third party seller and it was removed. Robin said a similar mug was removed from Amazon.
Robin read a story about the Dow and asked if it will reach 20,000. Fred played Wendy the Slow Adult saying no. Howard said Wendy says no. Robin said they think that it could get there by the new year.
Robin read a story about Wonder Woman getting a demotion. Robin said she's losing the honorary title from the United Nations. Robin wondered who thought that was a good idea to give her the title. Robin said 45,000 people signed a petition against it. Robin said she is fictional and overtly sexual. Howard said he thinks if the Dow gets to 20,000 the Sirius stock will remain the same.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard wished everyone a merry Christmas. Howard thanked everyone who works on the show for being there. Howard thanked Perez for producing today. He asked who his favorite comic is. He said Kyle Dunnigan is great. He said he's cute. He said he's seen his pictures. Howard said he has to check out that Kyle Dunnigan. Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Here are the segments they replayed on Howard 100 this morning:
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Here are the segments they replayed on Howard 100 this morning:
Today's show was over around 11:10am.