|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
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Howard started the show talking about how exhausted he is even though he was in bed at 8. He said he was up at 4 but it didn't make a dent. He said he's been working out more so he's exhausted. He said he's trying to get in shape for the live AGT this week. Robin said you'd think he was coming out with no clothes on. Howard said people would love that.
Howard had a George Takei ''This or That'' game to play. Howard said he thinks he can answer them all. They asked him if he would want Nipple Clamps or Butt Plug. George picked Butt Plug. Howard had guessed nipple clamps.
They asked George if he would like a uncut or cut penis. Howard guessed cut but he was wrong. George likes uncut penis. Howard said he's not very good at this. Howard said he thought that he'd like that uncut because it's a Japanese thing.
They asked George spit or swallow and he picked spit. They asked shaved or unshaved and he picked unshaved. They asked if he'd rather give or receive. George picked receiving and Howard guessed wrong on that one. They asked if he would rather suck on nipples or testicles. George picked testicles. Howard said they've gotten 6 wrong already.
They asked if he would rather have an ugly man with a big penis or a good looking man with a small penis. He picked the small penis.
They asked George if he would rather have sex with Howard Stern or Fred Norris. George picked Howard. They asked if he would rather have Benjy or Gary. George picked Benjy for his youth. Howard said Gary has put on some weight. Gary said he's not as big as Benjy. Howard said a lot of the guys have put on weight around there. He said Jason looks like he's put on more. He said he had pants that looked new and giant. Gary said Jason's whole back was sweaty this morning. Howard said that's attractive. Howard said Richard and Sal are thin so it must be 50/50.
Howard played another one where they asked George if he would rather have Sal or Richard. George picked Sal over Richard. They asked George if he would take Jon Hein or Scott Salem. He picked Scott. They asked him if he would rather have JD or someone else and he picked JD.
Richard came in and said that his first idea was to have him shove his spoon in his ass but they can't do that. Howard asked what spoons JD has with him today. JD said he has one from Alaska and the Apple Barn spoon. He said that he has one from South Carolina too. Howard told JD they're going to line someone up to evaluate his spoons to figure out how worthless they are.
Howard said that he wants JD to tickle Richard's balls with the spoon. Richard said he didn't shower for this. He said he wasn't prepared. Howard asked JD if he'll do this. JD said he's not touching Richard's balls. Howard told him to just go over and smack his penis with those things. JD said he'll do that.
JD was going to use the Apple Barn spoon. Richard said he was fine with that. He told him to just diddle around in there. JD went in there and did it. Richard was instructing him on what to do. He kept it up for a minute but he was hitting Richard with it and eventually gave up on it.
Richard told JD to bring over his Grand Ole Opry spoon to rub on him. JD said he's throwing these in the trash when he's done with them. He said he might save them for the Howard Stern museum.
Richard had JD rub the other spoon on his balls. He was liking what he was doing. JD said Sal should be doing this. Howard said they're not going anywhere with this. Howard told him to pull up his pants. Richard said he thought that was funny. He said he wasn't trying to go anywhere with it.
Richard said that JD was smiling. JD said that's because he's an idiot. Richard said tomorrow he wants one of JD's baseball cards all over his cock. Richard asked if he can do that tomorrow. JD said he's not bringing in his baseball card book. It's a lot to lug around.
Howard asked if JD only has those 3 spoons. JD said he has more but he only brought in a few. He said he only had about 10 total. He said he didn't do it for very long. Howard said there can't be many spoon collectors. JD said there's enough that they sell them. Richard said it's probably just old ladies that collect them.
Howard said Sal came up with an idea for a game where they ask guys what they think about to stop from cumming. He said Sal had some kind of weird long story that he told. Howard said Gary told him about that. Richard said he had a whole story about a guy who made a steam whistle sound.
Howard said Wolfie went to the steam punk and Brony convention recently. They found a guy who does a steam whistle. Howard played the steam whistle that the guy did that just wasn't very good. Howard said the guys took that and put it into the song ''Sympathy for the Devil.'' Howard played that and also a Steve Miller Band song where they have ''Woo, woo'' sound in it. Howard said they also have that phony phone call the guys made. He replayed that call to the Swap Shop where they said they had a train set for sale and played that clip for the sound it makes. They called in with the sound a few more times and bothered the host with that.
Howard said that guy was saying he appreciates when people call in but he really doesn't appreciate them. Richard said he likes when he says he's going to call the cops on them for calling in with someone going ''Woo, woo.''
Richard said that technically everyone alive is dying. Howard said that's fascinating. Richard said he's kind of aroused right now. Howard said JD is the Spoon Man.
Howard asked if anyone wants to play this game. Fred said he did. Howard asked if he was wiling to get OJ and maybe not win. Fred said that's what gambling is all about. Robin said she'd play too. Howard said that Robin doesn't care how stupid the game is. She's going to play. Howard said he could win some good money in this game. Richard was in. Howard said JD is out. Howard said he's happy to hear that. DePace and Goodstein said they'd split one. Richard wanted to split it with Sal. Howard said that's fine. They only had 6 names to play with anyway.
Robin said she heard that JD's nemesis Jared is back there at Sirius. Richard said he's just as good looking as ever.
Howard said that OJ can't be dying. He said he has to be pretty strong to do what he did to his wife and her friend. Howard said that guy Ron was a strong guy.
Howard asked JD if he wants his spoons. JD said he was done with them. He told Richard to keep them. Howard told the guys to get out of there after that. Howard said he can't believe they pay them to come up with ideas like that. Howard goofed on Richard about coming up with that. Howard did his impression of him and said that they did use the idea.
Gary said that a caller called the course and said that they told him the driving range is only 260 yards. Howard said he hit it 260 yards then. Howard said Jimmy wasn't breaking his balls or anything. He said Jimmy told him he can't hit it that far. Howard said he even missed some of his shots. He said he was told he hit it 300 yards. That's what happened. Howard said he didn't make this up. He was told he hit it 300 yards. Howard said one he hit almost hit the moon.
Howard played the audio of Jay Thomas talking about it on his Friday morning radio show. Jay was saying that they must have told Howard he hit it that far. Howard said there was a guy playing next to him there that said he couldn't hit it that far and he's been playing for years.
Howard played more of Jay talking about the hit and Howard said he's just jealous. Jay said he's been playing for 20 years and he can't hit it that far. Howard said that's pathetic then. Jay was saying that he doesn't want Howard to embarrass himself anymore. He said that it's like being in a porno and saying his penis is long. Howard said that Jay isn't very good with analogies.
Howard said he didn't even know what he was aiming for when he played. He said he just hit the ball and it went. Howard said he was hitting the ball and hitting it 300. He didn't know if it was feet or yards. Howard said that other people were carrying on around him. He said that shot Beth has may not have been one of the 300 yard shots.
Howard played more of Jay's show and the woman on his show said that he was wearing black. Howard said he wasn't out there to play. He was in what he wore on the plane. He said he wasn't dressed appropriately for golf. Howard said apparently the color of clothing has nothing to do with the way you play. Robin said the best is those bicycle guys who wear the outfits and get passed by bike messengers.
Howard played more of Jay taking about him and saying that Howard going out like that for the first time and hitting the ball was impressive. He said that Howard could play golf. Howard said he won't be doing that but he appreciates that. Howard said he can understand why people would be upset with him playing so well the first time out.
Gary said that Eric wants to get on the air to be able to talk about AGT and other shit. Gary said he goes on to name people that he's mad at and how they've abandoned him. Eric said that some of those names are people they do know. He said that Tabitha Stevens is one. Gary said that Eric is small in size and big on ego. Eric said he is not. Gary said that they have whole days there where they don't think about him.
Gary read some of the names on the list like Robert Mills and Jeremy Borash. Gary said he has no idea who these people are. Gary read what he said about those people. Eric said that was Jeremy from TNA wrestling. Eric wrote a bunch of things about the ideas he has for other people. Eric had an idea for finding the next big name for an animated TV show voice guy.
Gary told Howard that Eric has a heart problem and he can't be stressed out. Gary told him to avoid the show then. Howard said that he was on good terms with Eric and then he threatened to sue him. He said he told Eric that he's going to stop the friendship and now he's stressing him out. Gary said that Howard did understand what Eric was threatening. Robin said that threatening is talking about it so he can't say he wasn't threatening them.
Eric said he didn't say anything in the email that said his parents and family give him a hard time. He said that was bullshit that just came up. Gary said that Eric said he knows how his parents and family are. Eric said that he didn't say it there. Gary told him to shut the fuck up. He said he's such an ungrateful person. He said he wants what he wants and that's it. Eric made a joke about Gary having relatives at the zoo so Gary told him that's really original. Eric also made a joke about his pitch and Gary said that wasn't very original either. Eric said that was original but Gary said that about a thousand people have made that same joke on Twitter.
Howard asked if Eric's twitter account is up or down. Gary said he thought it was down. Eric said that the account is not up. Eric said he doesn't have one that's active. Gary asked if it's been shut down. Eric said he's trying to keep it under wraps. He called Gary an ape face. Robin was cracking up at that. Eric said he's only trying to use it to do direct messages now. Gary asked what happened to email. Howard said that people are going to figure it out.
Gary said the only people that Eric follows are porn chicks with huge tits. Howard said he's a dude. That's what dudes do. Howard said he's pissed that he had Eric's back and he pulled this with him.
Robin asked why this is stressing him out. Eric said he just wants to say something. He said he's sorry for that bullshit. Gary asked if he's admitting he threatened him. Eric said he may have gone over the line with what he said. Gary asked if he admits without this show he has no career. Eric said yes. Robin asked if that's why he has to get back on. Eric said that no one wants to deal with him if he doesn't have air time on the show and that's what Johnny told him. Gary asked if he had to have Johnny tell him that. Eric said he did. Robin asked if he thought he had anything beyond this show. Eric said he was hoping he would.
Howard said he has to think about unbanning him or not. Fred was playing a bunch of edited Eric the Midget clips that were annoying Eric. He told Fred to stop that. Gary asked if Eric is still okay with Johnny representing Jeff the Drunk. Eric said no to that. Howard said every agent represents more than one person. Eric said no one is going to give that idiot a job. He said he's a fucking risk. He said he could show up drunk or high or both. Gary said that John Strauss, the guy from In Plain Sight, is thinking about using Jeff in a movie he's working on. Howard said that Eric has set off a chain reaction with this. He said that Jeff may get a role because of what he did with Johnny. He said that Johnny was working on a deal with Eric and now Jeff may have gotten that part. Gary said that Johnny is also thinking about representing High Pitch Eric.
Howard asked if he's upset that Johnny may be representing Jeff and even High Pitch Eric. Eric said he has no hard feelings about Eric but Jeff he's never liked. Howard asked if he's back with Johnny or not. Eric said he's got him on a short leash. He said if he does represent him then he has to drop Jeff. Gary said he heard that he's demanding that he has to buy him a van or a motor home to keep representing him. Howard said he doesn't think he's had anyone else asking to represent him. Howard said the saga is fascinating but he has to go.
Eric said he was looking to find out if Howie's wife wants to represent him. Howard said he has to make up with Eric first but he's not sure if that's going to happen. He said if it does he'll get Howie's wife on the phone and ask her. Howard said he does miss Eric but he feels hurt by him. Howard said if Mary Jo Butafuocco can forgive then maybe he can forgive Eric.
Gary said maybe JD can rub spoons on his cock to make up. Eric said no to that. Howard said he really has to go. Eric said he has a comment about one of his AGT picks. Howard said he really has to go. Howard said he has to think about letting Eric back on the show. Eric started to comment but Gary and Howard cut him off and hung up. Howard said the little fucker keeps pulling him back in. He said it's not healthy for him. Howard said he might have to let him back in.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Doug Stanhope does this celebrity death pool thing. Howard said they were doing it back in the early 90s. The caller said he didn't know that. Gary said they did a couple of death pools and someone won because Joe C died. Howard said they've been doing that a really long time so he doesn't think anyone has them beat on that.
The caller also brought up some prank that was played over in England for the royal family. Howard played a porn clip that sounded like a woman giving birth as a goof.
Howard said that Adam Carolla is coming in. He said that he has to get to him after the break. Howard said they haven't seen Adam in a while. Howard did see him at Jimmy Kimmel's wedding though. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Adam Carolla is there. Howard said Adam is up to a bunch of stuff. He's trying to make a movie. Howard asked if he puts any thought into his look. Adam said no. He said he doesn't have a look. Howard said he doesn't think about it at all. Adam said he doesn't want to have a look or have a smell. He said he wants to pass through live without anyone noticing.
Howard said Adam made a speech at Jimmy Kimmel's wedding and he got emotional. Howard said he liked it. He said t was like the new you. Adam said he was figuring that everyone else was going to work for months in advance and write a whole monologue. He said that he wanted to do something different. Howard asked if he considers himself Jimmy's best friend. Howard said he wasn't the best man so he was wondering if he was shocked by that. Adam said he hasn't been shocked since 9/11 so he wasn't shocked at all. He said that Jimmy put family members in the wedding party and that's fine.
Howard said that Adam said that Jimmy is a good friend and he'll bring him in with more good people. Adam said if you say you like Thai food then Jimmy will find someone who makes good Thai food and connects you. He said it's like a human chain or a centipede of love. Howard said he has a thoughtful gift he brings over when he comes to his house. He said he doesn't even know where to begin when ordering something for someone. Adam said he's incredibly thoughtful.
Adam told Howard that they were doing the Man Show years ago and Daniel Ellison said that they were all rich and they should stop getting stuff for Christmas and birthdays. He said Jimmy said fuck that and said that they were going to keep giving gifts. He said that Jimmy loves giving gifts.
Howard asked if they were rich back then when they were at the Man Show. Adam said they weren't really rich but they didn't want for anything.
Howard said he read that Adam owns 6 or 7 Paul Newman race cars. Howard asked where he got all of this money from for cars. Howard said he knows what he did when he had a morning radio show and things like that. Adam said he's always had like 4 jobs at the same time. Howard asked when the big money came. Adam said it's never been a lot of money but there have been 4 or 5 hoses trickling into the trough.
Howard said he must have done pretty well with the Love Lines show. Adam said that was like 970 grand a year. He said they were doing the TV show for MTV and the Man Show. He said that they didn't pay very well but he was making some money. He said that they were paying him like $1,200 per episode to do that show. He asked for a raise that doubled his pay a couple years into that. He said he got paid next to nothing instead of nothing.
Howard asked when he invested in the race cars. Adam said most of the money went up his nose. He said he was just kidding about that.
Howard asked if he drinks every night before he goes to bed. Adam said he does. Howard said he was shocked to learn that. Howard asked how much he drinks. Adam said he drinks his Mangria drink that he made. He said he has two glasses of that. Howard asked if he thinks he's an alcoholic. Adam said no. He said that Betty Ford didn't either. He said he's discussed this with Dr. Drew before and it's all about consequences. He said that some people will ramble at a wedding and give a long speech. Howard said that's what Adam did at the Kimmel wedding. Howard said that he thought it was going to be really entertaining but he zoned out at least once.
Adam said that he went out to breakfast with Jimmy that morning and he told him to check with Cousin Sal who was the master of ceremonies. Adam said that he asked Sal what the plan was and he had a plan already. He said he asked if he could bring him up and Sal said he would do it but he could tell that he really wasn't interested in it.
Howard said that he heard that Sal took someone's credit card and charged a bunch of expensive stuff on it. Adam said that they have a long running joke with their agent about that. He said that Sal always goes for outrageously priced stuff and charges it to him. Howard said that's so mean of Sal to do. Adam said Sal took everything in their agent's mini-bar and threw it out the window. He said that he had to pick up the tab on that too. Howard said that's just not right.
Adam said that Sal told him he'd bring him up to make a speech after everyone else. Howard asked Adam who he was sitting with. Adam said he had a few family members and some celebrities. Howard said Adam had a bad table. Howard said the table he was at was great. He was with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Adam said it was fine.
Adam said he was going to speak after Sal was done but when he was done, that was it. Adam said he went up and had a few drinks after Sal was done. He said then Sal came up and said that he was sorry and then set up a microphone for him. He said he wasn't wasted at that time. He said Sal said he was going to set up everything and get it going. Adam said he told him not to do it and then went and got drunk. He said two hours later he got tap on the shoulder and told that they were going to give him some time. Adam said that he had just stuffed his face and had drinks. He said that the wedding planner told him that he was going to do it and he didn't want to. Adam said that she told him that and split. He said that's how he ended up there.
Howard said his wife wanted him to make a speech but he didn't want to do it. Howard said no one wanted to hear from him. He said he was relived that he didn't have to do anything. Howard said he was proud of Adam when he did the speech. Adam said he loves the guy and he's so proud of him. He said he loves Molly too. He said that marriage should last at least the rest of the year. Howard asked if he thinks that Jimmy is going to start another family. Adam said if Molly wants kids he won't have much of a choice.
Howard said Adam wants to make a movie and he's looking to raise money like with a Kickstarter kind of thing. Adam said that's right. Howard said that he wants to raise like a million bucks.
Howard said he saw Adam on the Bill O'Reilly show and he was kind of surprised. He said he didn't think he was that political. Adam said he's really not. He said that he bases most of his career decisions on where something is at. He said that he'll ask where something is taking place and this was right up the street from his house. He said that he'll just go there and do this thing two nights a week. Adam said Bill will pick a topic and throw it at him. Howard asked if Bill approached him himself. Adam said he went off on something in his podcast about getting back to work for the Wall Street people. He said that the people on his show loved it and they called him.
Adam said he has his own thoughts and they don't go with one party or the other. He said he has his own thoughts and that's what he goes with. He said he doesn't even vote. Robin asked how he can even have anything to say then. Adam asked what the fuck that means. Robin said if he's not participating he shouldn't complain. Howard asked if he's ever voted. Adam said he hasn't really. Howard said he always voted. Adam said he's a fucking hero then. Howard said he's shocked he doesn't vote. Howard said he must care about the country and what direction we go in. He said that's a little shocking. Adam said he voted in the mayoral race in Los Angeles but other than that what difference does it make? he said he's never voted for a president as far as he remembers.
Adam said that he has drank and smoked weed in his life so he doesn't have much of a rear view mirror. He said that he can tell him that he's not very involved with that voting system. Howard said Adam is a very bright guy and he'd hope he'd care enough to vote. Adam said that Obama is in his second term and what does it really matter? Howard said he could have voted for Romney and made a difference. Adam said he's right. He said he's going to tell his kids to get out there and vote.
Howard asked if his nickname is the Podfather. Adam said it is. He said that he gave him the nickname Wide Dick but that didn't catch on. Howard said Podfather has though. Howard said that his podcast was number 1 until he started doing another one with Dr. Drew and that one beat out his own podcast. Adam said that is not true. He said that he thinks that he has the number one podcast still. He said he has about 2 million downloads a week. Howard said he's making money from it now. Adam said he is.
Howard asked Adam why he said when he was a kid he had to live on government cheese. Howard said that this asking for money from the fans is kind of the same thing. Adam said it's not the same thing. Adam said this movie is something he would not make if he wasn't asking his fans for ''cheese.'' He said that he put up his own money for The Hammer and it was a long, painful journey. He said he had to deal with a lot of asshole with that movie. Adam said he has a name and he can do radio shows sand things like that. He said he can't really do a movie. Howard said maybe the movie shouldn't be made. Adam said he never considered that. Adam said he couldn't get this movie made under any other circumstances. Howard asked why he doesn't just sell his Paul Newman cars. Adam said he drives them and he races them. He said that he likes keeping that legacy alive. Howard said he knows that's a big deal for Adam.
Howard said he saw Adam at Jimmy's house a while back and he was all spaced out from winning a race that day. Adam said that he had won a celebrity Toyota Grand Prix race and he had some champagne after that. He said that the cars they race do about 115 miles per hour at the most on that course. Howard asked who he raced against. Adam said that Jenna Elfman was one. Adam said that he won against professionals that day. That's why he was so happy.
Adam said he wanted to make another film and he didn't want to have to raise the money in another way. He said he's on FundAnything.com now trying to raise money. He said Bryan Cranston is doing one over there too. Adam said they're about half way there to raising they money they need. Howard said he read that Adam is willing to take people's calls for the rest of his life if they donate enough for this movie. Adam said he thinks that he's going to leave an answering machine message or something like that. He said he has to check into that to see what he actually agreed to.
Howard asked why making a movie is so important to him. Adam said that it's not that important to him. He said he just wants to keep doing things. He said that all of the radio he's done in the past 15 years just goes into the ether. He said that you can't really leave that stuff to your kids. He said if you do a movie or write a song it's something you can leave behind. Robin said if no one watches it though... Adam asked who this angel is on his shoulder. He asked her ''What the fuck?''
Howard said Adam's movie is called Road Hard and you can find out more on that FundAnything.com site. Adam said that's where you can see the Bryan Cranston video. He said the movie is about how he's hiring a hobo to kill Robin. Adam said that the movie is actually about comedians who were getting huge development deals in the 90s. He said that they were handing out deals for everyone back in the 90s. He said now everyone is 50 and divorced and nothing happened with the deals. Adam said now all of this bullshit is on TV and they're the ones getting deals. Adam said that these guys are all divorced and back on the road again. He said the guys are all miserable, fat, bald and old. He said that they're on the road again. Robin said she might go see that. Adam said he knows so many guys like that.
Howard asked Adam if he's catching shit for asking for money from the fans. Howard said he knows that Zach Braff got slammed for doing that. Howard said Seth Rogen said that he doesn't agree with it and maybe if you can't get a movie made then maybe you shouldn't do it. Adam said fuck him and he's Canadian anyway. Adam said that he's just offering the option to people to see this movie.
Howard gave Adam some more plugs. He plugged his appearances on Bill O'Reilly's show and the movie thing. Howard said he's got his podcast too. Howard said they have to get Adam more famous so he can sit at a better table at Jimmy's next wedding. Howard said he actually thinks that his marriage will last a long time. Howard asked if it was a good idea to marry someone he works with. Adam said he thinks that it's all good and Jimmy is wired for marriage so he'll be fine. Robin said she'll see Adam at his premiere. Adam said she's not going to that. He said he doesn't want to see her sitting in the front row with her arms crossed. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Jerry Sandusky's son is going to change his name to something other than Sandusky. Howard said that his name is Matt Sandusky and he should try Dell'Abate but without the apostrophe. Howard said he could just be Matt Dellabate. Howard said maybe Paula Deen should try that too. Howard said George Zimmerman should change his name to Bin Laden. Howard said he could change it to Howard Stern but he might be even more hated. Howard said there's also that Captain Sum Ting Wong or maybe Hugh Jassole.
Howard said that he was thinking about this Detroit bankruptcy thing. He said hew worked there for 9 months. He said the suburbs of Detroit are doing just fine. He said that the city has filed for bankruptcy. He said he and Robin are thinking about buying it. Howard said JD Harmeyer is wealthier than Detroit. Howard said his spoon collection could buy it. Howard said that's something to think about.
Howard said he was reading about Dice in Playboy and it's a great article. Howard said he's on a roll right now. He's going to be in the new Woody Allen movie. Howard said years ago he'd call Dice and he was working out at a track and just eating Tuna. Howard asked how he's been working out. Dice said this has been going on for the past 3 years now. He said he got in shape for an appearance on Entourage and he stuck with it. Dice said he's doing heavy reps now. Dice said he can bench a couple hundred pounds. Howard said that's a lot. Dice said it's not that much. Howard said he does 95 pounds and does it 10 times.
Dice said he was trained by a guy years ago and he was the guy who trained Stallone for the Rocky movies. He said that he taught him how to train for his own body. Howard said that the up and down with the weight is very bad. Howard said he had gotten very heavy. Dice said he took off over 40 pounds over the past 3 years. Howard said that when your career is going well you slim down. Dice said that's what happens.
Howard asked if his net worth is 1 million now. Dice said yeah. Howard asked if he's counted the money he's made in his career. Dice said it was big back in the day. He said that he really doesn't care. He said his life wasn't about money. He said he knows with fame you make money.
Dice told Howard that all of the comics today feel like they haven't made it if thy don't sell out like he did back in the day. Howard said Dice was entertaining to watch and he was an original. Howard said today he'll go see a comedian and it's just the guy talking. Howard said Dice was in that character and he was off the fucking wall with that. Dice said that his influences weren't really comics. Dice said he was going to use that stage for creating persona. He said he wanted to give people a full show. Howard asked when he knew the Dice character clicked. Dice said it was in 83 or 84 or so. Dice said that he was with his girl Trini when he came up with the gay material. He told Howard some of the jokes he was doing back then and had Robin laughing. Howard asked if he was doing a Travolta impression when he came up with Dice. Dice said he had done a bunch of characters and he did a Jerry Lewis impression and did some of that for Howard. He said he was into the Nutty Professor and that was it. He said he didn't care about anything else he did.
Howard said Dice is a pretty good drummer too. Dice said he was okay. He said he couldn't have made it big. Dice said that he wasn't a great rock drummer. He said his son Max is a drummer and he's really good. He said that he's in his movie ''Indestructible.''
Dice said he has his son's band's CD and they're good. He said that he's going to take the CD to a few shows and play a track. Howard asked if Rock is dead. Dice said it has been for a while. He said that these kids know a lot of different kinds of music. Dice said his youngest was playing at 14 and record companies were coming to him and asking him to play professionally. He said his kid went to school and got out of it for a while. Then he started playing again about 6 months before the taping of his special. He said it's been a family thing.
Howard said he knows that Dice used to gamble a lot. Dice said he didn't do that for 10 years. Howard asked if he worried about his kids. Dice said he would go out and lose 200,000 and then go and win 700,000 the next day. He said that he once lost 700,000 a day for 3 straight days. Howard said he could have invested that money and he would have had so much money. Howard said he could have had a great nest egg. Dice said that Howard is stuck on the money thing. Dice said he's making money now and he'll save it. Dice asked if Howard bought anything he wanted when he started making money. Howard said he did buy a house but that's an investment. Howard said that Dice could have saved so much. Dice said he's doing fine now.
Howard asked Dice about this Woody Allen movie and what that was like. Howard said you don't do that for financial gain. Dice said that's true. He said he was there doing Westbury and his manager said Woody Allen wanted to meet him. He said he thought he was joking around. Dice said he never thought they would blend together. Dice said when he went into that meeting he let Woody know that he was meeting Andrew and not Dice. He said he figure the guy had only seen him as that persona.
Dice said everyone was relaxed in the meeting. He said that he told Woody that Dice wasn't in the room and everyone was very cool with him. Howard said that this is a big deal for Dice.
Howard said that he heard a story about Dice when he was kind of hot in L.A. and he got invited to some roast. Dice said that's where his nerves were. Dice said that he has a book coming out called ''The Filthy Truth.'' Howard said he's been saying that for 5 years now. Dice said it's really happening now. Dice said that he was playing big places and people were trying to get him. He said he got a call from Barry Josephson. He said they had a Big Brothers event at a hotel. He said that Barry told him they wanted him there. Dice said that his manager Sandy got on the phone and told him he didn't think they'd bring him up there that night. He said that he was hot and if he went up and bombed then that was going to be it. Things would be over. Dice said that Rob Reiner was there at the roast and they had all of these big names there. He said they were the biggest guys in the business. Dice said he got a hold of his father and his father told him to just go in and do it and don't hold back. Dice said he was in his motorcycle jacket while everyone else was in their black tie.
Dice said that these guys were going up and telling their stories and it was a great show. He said that Carl Reiner started introducing something about the Bush Administration and then he brings up Dice Clay. Dice said he went up there and he smacked Jack Lemon in the head like ''Ah, ya bastard.'' Dice said that he smacked the guy after no one had touched the guy in 20 years. Dice said he lit his cigarette and waited through the silence. He said he was used to doing that at the Comedy Store. Dice said he looked at Carl Reiner and took a puff. Then he said he has a cute little story to tell. Then he says ''I had my tongue up this chick's ass...'' and the crowd was laughing. He said that they couldn't believe what they were hearing. Dice said he started talking to Sidney Poitier about big dicks and told him to slap that thing up there. He said they were having a great time. He said he was killing and destroying that night. Dice said he was nervous walking up there but he just let them have it. Dice said he was shaking inside. He said Carl got back up there and said he didn't know what happened just now but he's seeing old guys laughing and Andrew Dice Clay had just become a star. Dice said it took everything not to cry like a baby after hearing that.
Howard asked if Sandy was there. Dice said he wasn't there. He said Barry was there though. Dice said that Barry told him he didn't know what had just happened there. Dice said he actually did know.
Dice said after he got off stage that night Gary Shandling got up and he's a putz. He said his opening line was ''I always liked following Dice at the Comedy Store...'' and all he got was crickets. He said you didn't hear from him for 5 years after that. Then he got the Larry Sanders show. Dice said Red Buttons got up next and ripped him apart but in a good way.
Howard asked why he's down on Gary Shandling. Dice said that he asked if he could do the Larry Sanders show but Gary told him he wanted to see what Leno was going to do. He said the guy was a putz.
Howard said Whitney Cummings was in there talking about how people treated her when she got her TV show. Dice said that comics are not family. He said once you start doing well they'll hate you. He said that's what he's taught his son. Howard said that Dice must have gone through that. Dice said that Belzer was one. He said that he was doing a campaign against him. Dice said that he told Belzer to tell it to his face if he had something to say. Dice said that's how these guys are.
Howard asked Dice about the Woody Allen thing and how it was going into the room with him. Dice said Howard told him to do this. He said that he told him that he was going to build his career again and that's what he did. Howard said he remembers that.
Howard asked Dice about being in the room with Woody and if it's the most intimidating thing. Howard asked if he handed him some pages to read or what. Dice said that he wanted to go find some box with Woody and go bang some out together. He was just joking. Howard asked if he saw him on Entourage. Dice said that's what he heard.
Dice said he lost vision in his left eye a few years ago. He said he had to have some work done on the eye and it's working now. He said that it was a problem with his retina. Dice said that he did 11 shows with that vision problem. He said that most people fold and go into a deep depression. He said the doctor told him he went the opposite way. Howard asked why he lost the sight. Dice said it can happen to anyone. He said that the chances of it happening in the other eye are like 1 in 20 million.
Dice said that he has the same thing that Barbara Streisand has with her eye. He said that he used to make fun of her for that so this must be payback.
Dice said he wears the sunglasses to cover that up now. He said in the Woody movie he had to take his glasses off. He said he and Woody had a discussion about that and they bonded over that. Dice said that Woody told him about this movie he was doing and asked him to read a few pages. He told him to just read it and not have any background on the character. Dice said that it was all about a feel. He said you either feel it or not.
Dice said he read the lines and said he was ready. He said he went back into the room and did the read with Woody just hanging out in there. He said that Woody told him that he did perfect after he read the lines. Dice said he told Woody he'd see him on the set and took off. He said that you just leave your balls on the table when you do a read. He said you do the very best you can.
Howard said he wants to see 3 seconds of that audition. Dice said that he has to try and remember what the scene was. Dice said he doesn't remember what scene it was. Dice told Howard what the character was.
Dice said he was working with Kate Blanchett and Peter Sarsgaard. He said he went over to them and said that he couldn't believe he was working with them. He said they said they felt the same way. Dice said tonight is the premiere of the movie and the Wall Street Journal did a half page article about him. He said that it's a really big deal right now. He said he's not even the star of the movie. He said he's in a nice part of it. He said Alec Baldwin is the star. He said that Alec was great and they got along very well. He said that he wasn't affected at all.
Dice said that Woody will say if he doesn't like something. He said that he asked to ad-lib in one part and Woody asked him not to curse. Dice said he took his son Max with him to San Francisco when they shot there. He said that he'd ask his son for his opinion after takes. Howard asked him why he needs someone to tell him that. Dice said that Woody doesn't tell you how to do something. He said he lets the actor find what they want.
Dice said that he had an idea for a scene and told Woody about it. He said that he told him that they have all of the sunlight he needs on the pier. He said that they could shoot it out there but he just had to eat. Woody told him that would work. He said that Woody doesn't have that ego that makes him think that this is his set and there are no different ways.
Howard asked Dice if they ever went down to the set and rehearsed. Dice said they didn't rehearse that much. He said the guy is amazing and he just gets those natural performances. Dice said Howard knows what he's doing with his thing and so does Woody. He said Woody will get rid of someone if they're not doing a good job.
Howard asked Dice what he's wearing to the premiere. Dice said he won't be wearing leather. He said he may be wearing gloves though.
Howard said that Dice has a lot going on right now. Dice said he has this movie and he has a podcast too. Dice said they have over 200,000 followers. He said that it's only been going on for a few months now. He said they do an hour or so and he does it with Michael ''Wheels'' Parissi. He said you can get it on iTunes or on their web site RollinWithDiceAndWheels.com
Howard asked Dice how the whole set up works for the podcast. Dice said they go all over and do it. He said that Howard knows all about it. Howard said Adam was just in there talking about his. Dice said he just did Adam's podcast a few weeks ago. He said Joe Rogan told him to do one and he would be huge. Dice said that's when he got into it. He said Wheels started his own podcast just to get him to do it with him. He said it was easy and fun so they got into it. Dice said when they started this thing he wasn't sure it would work. He said people just started freaking out because there are no rules at all.
Dice said he has to talk to Howard about this. Dice said that he'll say ''We'll be right back'' like Howard does but he has nothing to come back from. Dice said that he needs some tips from Howard. Howard said that he'll just get on the air and say good morning or whatever comes up. Howard told him to say ''Hey Now'' like he does. Howard said that he'll come on and just say Hey Now for a minute and then start a discussion. He said he can talk about his day or something. Howard said Dice knows what to do.
Howard asked where the best place to play as a comic is. Dice said that he's had pressure on him recently. He said that they want him to do an arena again. He said he doesn't think he's ready yet. He said clubs are the best for comics. Dice said that he has his favorites like Governor's on Long Island. He said that room is great. Dice said that place is great because it's wide but not deep. He said you need those laughs coming back into your face. He said the acoustics are important.
Howard said that Howie Mandel told him that Radio City music Hall was his favorite. Dice said that Nassau Coliseum was great in that way. He said the worst sounding was the Meadowlands. He said that place was the biggest one too though.
Dice told Howard that his Dice character is all theater. He said some guys don't understand that. He said he talked to Chris Rock before he did Bring The Pain. He said that he told him that he had to keep moving on stage. He said he told him about the pacing and he made it work in his own way. Dice said that he saw Rock at the Comedy Store one night and he asked him what he was up to. He said Chris told him he was doing another HBO special and wondered how many more they'd give him. Dice said he asked him how he feels knowing that the other comics think he's a zero. He said that he started talking to him about the pacing and how he should look special and perform special in that special. He said they give you a special because they think you're special. He said every comic wants him to fail and he has to think about that. Dice said that he has to think about his family that has been backing him all these years and go out there and kill.
Howard said that was a good talk. Dice said it was a friend telling him this. Howard said he went to another level after that special. Howard asked if he watched that special and saw how great it was. Dice said he knew it would be great. He said that he sat there watching it like a manager in a boxing ring. He said it was an instant effect. Dice said that he told Chris he had to keep people awake so he had to keep moving. He said that worked.
Dice said he's doing some shows around the area and he's been asked to do the Garden again. He said he could do that but he's not quite ready to do it. He said he's going to be at the Stress Factory and Governors in September. He said he won't be touring that much now that he's got all of this other stuff going on.
Howard asked if he would ever hire a writer for his stuff. Dice said he did that years ago for a special he was doing but only because he only had 7 weeks to get it ready. Howard asked what he thinks about Seinfeld. Dice said he's one of the greatest. He said that he picks every little thing apart. dice said that Jerry works clean though.
Dice said he was on stage and talking to someone in the crowd about what he's saying about himself when he marries someone. He said that he's saying that he hates himself when he gets married. He said that he needs someone else to hate him. He said that he was going off on this guy and kept going and going. He said that when the marriage ends the woman will go off on you and tell you what a loser you are. Howard said he must have been on a tear that night. dice said that he just went up there and ranted. He said he didn't write that stuff ahead of time.
Dice said that everyone at a wedding is happy because misery loves company. He said that 3 months later your wife is telling you to take out the garbage.
Howard gave Dice some plugs for his podcast and things like that. Dice told Howard to play a track off his son's CD. Howard said he'd play a little bit of one of the songs. Howard gave him some plugs for his web sites like AndrewDiceClayOfficial.com and RollinWithDiceAndWheels.com. He played some of the song that Dice asked him to play too.
Howard took a call from Woody Allen. It was actually clips of Wood Yi that Sal and Richard were playing. They had Woody cursing and talking about sucking a black cock. Dice said the impression isn't even good. Howard asked Dice what other track he wanted him to play. Dice told him to play Blitz. He said you can go to iTunes and look for L.A. Rocks and download the songs. Howard played that song. dice said his kid did this when he was only 14 years old. Howard kept interrupting the song so Dice asked why they can't just listen to something. Howard let he song play a little more and Howard asked if he plays golf. Dice said he hates golf. Howard said he does too. Howard said he likes this song. Howard said the kid are into the right thing. dice said they're looking for the right manager and the right record company. He said they play everywhere. Howard said in the day of the reality shows they have to go out and play everywhere. He said that Dice knows that from playing the clubs for a decade before he hit big.
Howard asked what the name of this movie is he's in. Dice said it's Blue Jasmine. Howard did his Dice impression and did a ''blew Jasmine'' joke. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Ralph went out to Comic-Con and they announced that Batman and Superman will be appearing together in the next movie. Howard said he loves that. Howard said maybe they can have the Sharknado as the villain. Howard said they could have Batman vs. Sharknado. Howard said he really is excited about the two being in the same movie. Howard said he's been saying that they have to move on from the origin stories that they keep doing over and over. Howard said he heard they'll be facing off in the movie. Howard said he thought that Batman would be beaten by Superman. He said Batman found out about Kryptonite though so that evened the playing field. Howard said that Batman is very ticklish though. He said he's not sure why Superman lifts a finger. He said his heat vision is enough.
Howard said they haven't had Kryptonite in the past few movies. Robin said they had it in this new one. Howard said they did not. He said that it was the red sun that was making him weak in Man of Steel. Robin said that it's the same thing. Howard said she has to go along with him on this. He said that this is something he knows about.
Howard said that Forbes magazine named Robert Downey Jr. as number 1 in the actors that make the most money at the box office. Howard said that Robin didn't talk about how Ian Ziering has been bumped up a notch on that list from 17410 to 17409 on that list.
Howard said that heat wave they had was something else. He said that he was afraid that JD's spoon collection was going to melt. Howard said he feels bad for his grossly overweight staff when it's that hot out. Howard said Jason came in this morning with a lot of sweat on his back. Howard said the had 30 inches of rainfall in there.
Howard said he was talking to Robin about her diet. Howard said she's only eating vegetables. He said she won't even eat fruit. Robin just laughed. Howard said that next it's the moon rock diet and she won't eat anything from Earth. Howard said the next game is going to be ''Will Robin Eat It'' and she'll always say no. Howard said he asked Robin if she eats fruit and she said she doesn't. Then she said that she does eat tomatoes so that is a fruit. Howard said this is what Robin likes but he thinks it's too limited. Howard said she can have a little cheese. Robin asked why. Howard said he eats for pleasure and to stay alive. Howard said he eats because he's got to.
Howard said he tried watching some of the British Open but he wasn't able to get through much of it. Robin said she didn't either.
Howard said he has to do AGT live tomorrow night. He said he would rather be there in hologram form and just go to bed after the show.
Howard said he jerked off to some massage porn last night. He said that it was on the front page of YouPorn. Howard said he didn't see the whole video of course. Howard said that he would recommend that highly though.
Howard said Alec Baldwin will be in tomorrow. Howard ended up goofing on JD about his spoon collection after that. Howard did his impression of JD but he thought Fred did it better so he had him do that for a few seconds.
Howard said they say that scientists found a way to turn off the chromosome that causes down syndrome. Robin said they may not have any more of these wonderful people. Howard said that they won't have anymore Wendy or Gary the Retards. Robin said that they won't have a Beetlejuice either. Howard said Jeff the Drunk's value just went up because of that.
Robin asked if they're saying that if you're not born yet then they can switch it off and be normal. Howard said he thinks that's what they're saying. Howard said the scientific advances are wonderful. He said he was reading about how they can turn sweat into clean drinking water. Howard said Jason's wet ass crack is going to save the world one day.
Howard said he had a lot of exciting things to play today but they had so many guests. Howard said he'll have to get to them tomorrow.
Howard played a clip from a radio show where Sal and Richard got in some fake names like Herb Eversmels. Howard also played a bit where Mark the Bagger and Robin have sex. Howard went into a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the royal baby watch and how they're still waiting for the baby to be born. Robin said Kate went to the hospital in labor this morning. Robin had some audio of someone talking about what's going on.
Howard had some audio of a couple of guys cumming in gay porn. He played the clip and the guys were making some really odd noises. Howard said this is what's going on out there. Howard said the guy sounds like a lion.
Robin said the Emmy announcements were made while they were away. Robin said that Aaron Paul and Neil Patrick Harris made the announcements. Robin had some audio of those announcements from last week. Bryan Cranston was nominated so Robin mentioned that they got a preview of the first episode of Breaking Bad's final season. She told Howard he's in for a treat. Howard read a live commercial and went to break after that.
After the break Robin had more audio of the Emmy nominations. Howard was picking his favorites as they were playing. Howard picked Breaking Bad cast and the show when he heard the nominations. He said he has given up on Game of Thrones. Robin said she feels bad for Howard because it's a great show.
Robin read about how Kanye West is saying that he has written the best lyric in rap history. Robin had the audio of the lyric he was talking about. Howard played the clip and said ''Man, what the fuck is that?''
Robin asked Howard if he thinks it would be easier to get a girl these days than it was when he was young. Howard said it absolutely is easier. Robin said that they've surveyed people and they do say that it is easier. Howard said he met a girl in summer camp and he was kind of cute when he was a kid. He said they used to write back and forth over snail mail. He said that he drove to her house when he was 17. When he got there she opened the door, looked at him and then closed the door. He said she used to be his friend but she wouldn't even invite him in after seeing him.
Robin read about a 72 year old man who lifted an SUV off his son in law when it fell on him. Robin said they're calling him a super hero. Howard said he's not sure he would ever get that super strength no matter what. He said that he would try but he's not sure he'd want a hernia. Howard said he can't hurt himself like that. Howard said he never rises to the occasion. Howard said he's not good in pressure situations.
Robin read about a woman who died on a roller coaster last Friday. Howard said he doesn't know why anyone rides these things. Howard said you have to be a complete degenerate. Robin said there are some enthusiasts that try to ride every one. Robin had some audio of someone talking about this accident. The guy was saying that this woman was kind of large and he questions whether or not she should have been riding at all. Howard said that if you just don't go on the rides you'll be fine. Howard said he pretends he's in a world where there are no inventions. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about a gospel convention going on. Robin also said there's a UFO symposium that went on over the weekend. Robin said that they say there are a lot of people who are not kooks who are into that. Howard said you're listening to stories. There is no proof of any UFOs. Howard said no one has landed on earth and there are no other planets that have life. Howard asked who has time for that. Robin said that Ralph went to Comic-Con. Robin said even Riley doesn't get interested in these conventions. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about how the mayoral candidates spent some time in a homeless shelter over the weekend. Robin said they were shocked at the conditions. Robin had some audio of one of the officials talking about that.
Robin read about George Zimmerman and how people are calling on a boycott of Florida events to show their dislike of the outcome of that case.
Robin read a story about children being injured by falling TVs. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about that.
Robin read about how people are flocking to Brazil because the pope is there.
Robin read about the President being in Illinois to make some speeches about the economy.
Robin said that Tina Turner just got married over in Germany. Robin said that she had some people like Sade and David Bowie at her wedding.
Robin said that the producers of Glee had to figure out what to do about the show now that their star, Cory Monteith, is dead. Robin said they've decided to kill off his character. Howard said they should have him killed off by Sharknado. Robin said that Cory's girlfriend, Leah Michelle, was the one who wanted them to carry on with the show.
Robin said that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife are calling off their divorce. Robin said they have apparently reconciled after going to couple's therapy. Robin said Howard said that never works. Howard said he still thinks it doesn't work.
Robin had some audio of Selena Gomes talking about dating Jusin Bieber and how she's learned a lot from that. She said she learned to keep it private from now on. She also said that she has learned that she shouldn't date in the business. Selena also talked about her tough times working on her Disney show. Howard said that sounds like such a horrible life. Robin read some box office results and then they ended the show. They were done around 10:25am.
Jon said Sal doesn't get into it as much as Richard does. He said that's pretty much Richard's thing. Gary said Sal has gone straight and Richard has stayed gay. Gary said he thinks that JD is really bummed about being tagged a spoon collector.
Jon said they also did the celebrity death pool thing today. Jon said that they were kind of looking for volunteers in the game. Gary said that they were random names and they randomly gave them to people. Gary said he has the oldest person in the pool but she looks really healthy. He said that his joke didn't go over very well when he said he and Prince Charles have something in common now. He said they both want her dead.
Jon said they heard from Eric the Actor today. Jon said Gary was really worked up over him. Gary said he gets mad at Eric for calling him a liar when he has everything he's written down on his screen. Gary said he did threaten them and Howard agreed with him.
Gary said that Eric has issues to deal with but he doesn't have to be an asshole to deal with them. He said that's why he pisses him off. Gary said that Eric thinks that he should be hired for everything and he's never even taken an acting lesson. Gary said Eric thinks that he's on the level of Oscar level actors.
Gary said he has no idea what Eric was like before they met him but he threatens people if they don't do what he says. He said he acts tough but he's just a telephone tough guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thought JD was going to get over that spoon thing. Jon said he doesn't think he's so attached to them that he's not willing to give them up. The guys spent a minute more on that and then went to break.
Jon said that Dice wasn't really dice today. He said that he's in a woody Allen film now and they'll get to see him turn it around with this movie. Gary said he likes to hear Andrew talking because they get a lot of great stories.
Jon said that some of the interns there don't even know who Dice is. Jon said back in the day he was a rock star though. He was huge. Gary said he reminds him of the most fun parts of the 1980s.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the interview sounded real bitter to him. He said he doesn't believe the story about Chris Rock either. He said he thinks that he was deflecting on Chris. Gary said after years of working with comedians he thinks that story was absolutely true. He said that they all hate each other if they get any fame. He said they don't wish anyone well if they start to do well.
Gary said before Chris had that special even Chris was saying he wasn't playing his A-game. He said that special really showed how funny he was. He said he thinks that's what Dice was saying.
Another caller said that he thought the interview was really good. He said he thinks this might be the first time he was Andrew instead of Dice. Gary said he doesn't think it's the first time but it was probably the best. They went to another break after that.
Jon asked Gary what he thought of how Howard felt about not making a speech there at the wedding. Gary said he's not sure. They were also talking about how Howard pointed out how fat some of the guys are there. Gary said that when Howard is fat then no one is fat. He said when Howard is thin then everyone is fat.
Jon said that Adam was talking about drinking every night. He said that Howard can't relate to that stuff. Gary said Adam is a guy's guy and he just does whatever he wants.
Jon and Gary were talking about how Adam doesn't vote and how Robin called him out on that. Steve Brandano said that Adam asked Robin if she has a problem with him. Gary said he felt that she was breaking his balls. Gary wondered if that's because he's friends with Dr. Drew. Steve said she is kind of hypocritical about some things. Jon asked if he's referring to her saying that Adam's book didn't sell any books.
The guys were talking about Adam asking for funding for his film and what some people think about that. Jon asked if Gary would ever contribute. Gary said he would have done that for a Sopranos movie or something like that. Gary said that he isn't at a level where he thinks he could take money from anyone.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Adam is a huge person out there in the podcast world. Steve said he's a huge fan. Gary said that Steve is the one who said that he's called the Podfather. Shuli said he heard that his Mangria drink is selling like crazy too. Steve said he had half a glass of that stuff at a party he had. He was happy to have it at his party. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about the Lady Gaga song Fred had just played. Howard said she really gives it her all.
Howard said he heard the Aaron Lewis version of ''Turn the Page'' on Deep Tracks and it was really good. Howard said he loves that channel. He asked Fred to find the song. Fred said he can't find it. He said he's still looking for it. Fred said it could be in the other system. Howard said he hates that. He asked Fred if he has that system. Fred said he has to see if it's logged in.
Howard took a call from a guy and said he has a lot to do today. He said it's going to be the longest day in his life. He said he has to do AGT tonight and he was hoping to get there at 7. He said they want him there for 2 o'clock. Howard said they want to shoot him out of the stage with pyrotechnics. He said he really doesn't want to do that. He said it's like the Michael Jackson thing and he really doesn't want to do that. Howard said he went looking for his agent last night but he wasn't able to track him down. Howard said he called Jason Raff and asked what's going on. He said the show doesn't start until 9. Howard said he wants to be a team player but he has to get up at 4 in the morning. Then he has to be up until 11. Howard said he may fall asleep at the judges desk. Howard said he was asleep at 8 last night and he wasn't able to stay awake.
The caller said that he's laying in bed right now. Howard asked what he's wearing. The guy said he has boxers on right now. Howard got all creepy with the guy and started asking if his cock is peeking out of his underpants and things like that. The caller said it was getting too creepy.
The caller told Howard the show has been great the last week. He said he thinks Howard is jerking off a lot lately. He said he has Beth. Howard said sometimes she's not with him. Howard said he's a very virile man. He said he jerked off last night and it took him like an hour. Howard said he went through a few videos and nothing was really getting him going. Howard said he wasn't able to do it with his mind. He tried but nothing happened. He went to teen babysitting and that wasn't working. He said it must be part of getting older. He said he used to be able to go 5 times a day but now it's like pulling on taffy. Howard said he just wanted to get it over with.
Howard said he was trying to get through some of True Blood but he thinks he's done with it. He said the show has lost it. Howard said they have great shows like The Walking Dead and they keep it fresh. Howard said this True Blood has lost its way. Howard said it's like a joke now. Howard said there is nothing fun about it. He said Sookie used to take her clothes off but she's gotten too good for that. Howard said there's no nudity anymore. He said the only nudity they have is the ass of that shape shifter guy. Howard said he hates the sheriff guy now that he's lost weight. Howard said his daughters grow up in 5 minutes and it's just off the chart bad. Robin agreed.
Howard said he still bangs Beth often but he has to jerk off. He said he has to be able to last a while with her. Howard said he has a plan for that.
The caller asked if he had any games to play. Howard said he doesn't. He said they do have a $5,000 grand prize for the Hottest Chick / Biggest Fan contest today. Howard said they have Alec Baldwin coming in today too. The prize for the game is from Avion Tequila.
Howard said if you go to HowardStern.com/AGT you can win a seat in Mariann from Brooklyn's box. Howard said that they have a lot of friends and family coming tonight because it's opening tonight.
Howard said he has to be there at 2 but tomorrow he's going to get there at 7. He said his assistant went over to see his dressing room over there at Radio City. Howard said he has a little dressing room that should be nice and quiet with his own bathroom. Howard said last year his wife decorated the dressing room but this time he just asked for a couch. He said that's all he needs. Howard said he doesn't need pictures and decorations. He said this 2 o'clock thing is crazy. He said they want him to be available for a 6 o'clock red carpet thing. Howard said he hates that too. He said they have him in front of the press all the time. He said they're carrying on too much. He just wants to get out there and work.
Howard said he can't be there from 2 to 11. He said that's just crazy. Howard said he didn't say anything to them. He said that's supposed to be his agent's job. Howard said he was too busy. Howard said he's busy with shit for them. He said he's keeping him too busy.
Howard played Aaron Lewis' version of ''Turn the Page'' but it was the version he did live on their show. Gary said they weren't able to find the version Howard was talking about. Howard said this is good but not what he was looking for.
Howard said Johnny Carson clips are going to be on iTunes soon. Howard said he isn't sure anyone will buy that stuff though. He said it's available for free on the internet already. He said he really doesn't care himself.
Howard said some morning guys were making fun of him for never working. Howard said he works around the clock, asshole. Howard said they were also goofing on his looks. Howard said he was getting laid before they were. Howard said that he saw what this douche bag looks like and he looks like Skeletor. Howard said that he knows that his life is like. He said that he could go up against this asshole and crush him in the ratings. Howard said he listened to 15 minutes of his show and he can tell that it's a bore fest. Howard said they think he never has to work. Howard said if he did one show a week he'd be working harder than this guy. Howard said this guy should be thanking him for his job. He called him a cock sucking fuck. Howard said he can suck his balls.
Howard said that he could take his whole audience in a day. Howard said it'll feel like a rape if he did that. Howard said these guys are nothing. He said radio is too easy. He said that there are a bunch of wise asses out there.
Howard played the audio of this radio guy talking about how he'd like to be Howard Stern because he doesn't ever work. Howard was doing his impression of the guy talking like that phony morning radio guy. Howard said he should talk like a person. Howard said he'll give them some tips so maybe they can keep their audience for two days instead of one when he comes to steal their audience away. Howard said he saw what this guy looks like and said he looks like Skeletor with his shaved fucking head. Howard would play a little bit of the audio and then do the impression of their awful delivery.
Howard asked why this guy isn't Howard Stern. He said that he's on radio. Howard also said that he earned this schedule he has now. Howard said he worked hard for so many years. He said he earned this you dumb fuck. The guy said that Howard only works 3 days a month. Howard said he'd like to take a bet on that. Howard said this guy is a dumb fuck. The guy was pointing out that Judge Judy only works a week a month. Howard said he's never even heard of these guys. Howard said they're going to be working a long time on their mediocre radio show and their mediocre skills.
Howard said that he should do the whole show like they do with that awful delivery. Howard said that he might be ugly but he has talent. Howard said that guy is just ugly with no talent. Howard said he can sit in a room thinking about how awful his career is and why he's never going to be Howard Stern. Howard said the guy looks like Skeletor.
Howard said a guy asked him to be in Sharknado 2. Howard said he'd never do that. Howard said you know that Ian Ziering and Tara Reid won't be asked to be in the second one.
Howard read an email about Gary and what a great producer he is. Howard said he got some email about his golf swing and how great his stance is. The guy was saying that he did hit the ball very well for a non-golfer. Howard said that there's a lot more email but he doesn't have time to get to it all.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he'll be at AGT tonight. Howard said it should be great. He said he'd be fine with it if he didn't have to be there at 2 in the afternoon. Bobo said they should bring Dr. Baker back because they cut him down too quick.
Howard said someone was asking which acts will be there tonight. Howard said he has a list somewhere but he doesn't go around remembering which ones they are. Howard said he needs to stay awake tonight. He said he may need a hit of speed to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Dice interview was great but he doesn't like that he's still doing the gay bashing thing. The caller said it's closet homophobia and he thought he had outgrown that. The guy said that he oversimplifies the whole thing. He said there are many shades of grey. Howard said he hears him but he didn't pick up on what he's talking about. He said he's sensitive to that stuff too because gay people get enough of that around the world. Howard said he thinks that Dice was talking about a time when he came up with gay material. The caller said he went for the cheap laugh yesterday. He said fuck dice and that he'll fuck his ass. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard said everyone is worked up today. He said he's just pissed off that it took an hour to jerk off last night. Howard said he had to watch some babysitter porn. He said it's so disgraceful.
Howard had a list of acts that's on the show tonight. Howard asked Gary if he can even talk about it. Gary said they did promote it at the end of the last show. Howard ran down the list of acts that will be on tonight. They have a gay opera singer, Special Head and a bunch of other acts. Howard said that he didn't like Special Head in Vegas but the other judges did. Howard said that they have a 14 year old singer and piano player. Howard said they have Kevin Downey the comedian. American Hit Men the rock band will be on too. Howard said he really likes them. Howard said the underwater escape artist will be on too. There were a bunch of others that Howard rattled off. Howard said that he's amazed by some of the young guys who go out there and do this stuff.
Howard said he was disgusted with himself last night. He said that he had to get rid of his tissues and go to bed.
Howard said this Royal baby thing is so ridiculous. Howard said he's not sure who cares. Howard said he saw a news report about a regular working guy who was hoping for a girl but then it was a boy. Howard said he thought he was in a bizarro world. Howard said the guy said he was hoping for a girl. He said he was a guy from Queens. Howard said this guy had a name figured out for the girl too. Howard said that guy has a screw loose. Howard said that's just insane.
Robin said she's not sure how people have time for this. Howard said he's not sure. He said that they must be the only two people who are still working. Howard said he knows it's good for tourism in England. Howard said these people are just born into the family and they give themselves raises. Howard said the people over there pay the family. Howard said that the queen made like $42 million last year.
Howard played a clip of a reporter in England talking about the baby and what people were saying about it. There were a bunch of negative messages about their repetitive reporting. Howard said even that guy sounds like he's fed up.
Howard said that this Pastor Manning guy is fed up with the George Zimmerman case. Howard said that Zimmerman apparently saved a family after their truck overturned. Howard said it seems like a publicity stunt. Howard said they don't say if the family is black or white though. He said if it was black then he might get off the hook. Someone told Howard that it was a white family.
Howard said Prince William held up the baby over his head and said ''May you never collect spoons or PEZ dispensers.''
Howard asked Johnny if he's willing to walk away from Eric over this. Johnny said he will walk away if he doesn't take work. Howard asked Eric what he has to say about this. Eric said Jeff is a total liability for anyone that hires him. He said the guy fell down in the elevator hallway on the show. He said if he falls down on the set he could end up suing the company for getting hurt. Howard said that's not his question. He wants to know what he's going to do about Johnny. Eric said he has to stop representing that trailer trash piece of shit. Johnny said he can't do that. He said he gave Jeff his word.
Howard asked what Eric's answer is. Eric said he has to stop representing him. That's what he just said. Howard asked if he is his manager or not. Eric said he is but he's on a short leash. Howard said he is telling him that he's representing Jeff. Johnny said Jeff has already been offered work. Johnny said that Howard should take both of them into the homo room and give them a screen test. Howard said he's trying to figure out what Eric is going to do. Eric said Johnny has to get rid of Jeff or he'll leave again. Howard asked what the deadline is. Eric said it's by this weekend. Johnny said that doesn't give him much time.
Johnny asked what Eric is going to do if Jeff already has work. Eric said he doesn't believe he does. Howard said he really has to go. He said it seems like Johnny is representing Jeff. He said it's going to be interesting to see how this all plays out. Howard said he has to take a break and get to Alec Baldwin.
Howard came back and said that one of the greatest actors of their generation, Alec Baldwin, is there. Howard said he's n the new Woody Allen movie. Howard said he's lost some weight thanks to his wife. Alec asked where he's sitting Howard said he can sit anywhere he wants.
Alec said that he and Howard were hanging out in the Hamptons. He said that they were at Katie Couric's house. Alec said he hates that they call it ''the Hamptons.'' Howard said he never heard of it until about 10 years ago. He said he lied on Long Island for most of his life.
Howard said that Alec was being mentioned for a late night replacement for Jimmy Fallon. Howard asked how aware of that he was. Alec said he did have some development deals with NBC and he was thinking about taking his podcast and making that into a TV show. Howard said he thinks that Alec is too big for that time slot. Alec said he thinks they did the right thing with Seth Meyers in that slot. Alec said when they do a show like that they do Monday to Thursday. There was some talk of him doing Friday nights on NBC but now he's having those talks with someone else. Alec said that they want 4 days and one day is a double tape. Alec said the numbers on Friday nights kind of crash.
Howard said that Alec's podcast is really good. He said he liked the one he did with Letterman. Howard asked if that was a highlight for him. Alec said that was not an easy one to get but he was very sweet to him and did the show. Alec said he just asked Dave to do it. Alec said they record at this guy's facility called Radio Foundation in his apartment. He said the guy has a booth the size of a phone booth. He said that the studio is small but that's where they do it. He said Larry is the executor of the Bob and Ray estate. He said his place is a nut house. He said that if you don't push people they'll say what they want to say. He said that they will tell you stuff.
Howard asked if he thinks that the NY Post has it in for him. Alec asked how he can ask such a question. Howard said he wants a real answer. Alec said he doesn't want to spend too much time on this but he got called down to the Manhattan D.A.'s office. He said that they were thinking of charging him with a hate crime. Howard said they claimed that he called this photographer a racial epithet. Alec said he went down there because this was fascinating to him. He said the woman who was there being photographed must have had a camera there. He said that they must have a recording of it. Alec said that he knew there was nothing and he had them play the tape. Alec said there are people who stake you out in front of your apartment. He said this guy walks up to the girl and whispers to her that he didn't know what he said but he thinks he called him a coon or something. Alec said the girl starts salivating. Alec said the guy didn't know what he said but he thought it was something racial.
Howard said he remembers hearing the tape and hearing they had nothing. Alec said he's learned that nothing handled by Newscorp is true. He said he's now extending that to all media. Alec said that everyone in media has a bias.
Howard said he must have met Rupert Murdoch at some point. Alec said he has never. He said he has met his wife but not Rupert. He said his wife was nice to him at Carnegie Hall. Howard said he's amazed that Rupert can go around to these charity events and no one ever asks why he's so mean to them. Alec said Rupert does what he has to do. He said he has a company he has to run and he read about how he has no friends. He said all he does is work and socialize with some executives and his children. Alec said that doesn't bother him. He said what does bother him is that Warner Brothers is putting him in something and then down the hall is TMZ who are trying to barbecue him.
Alec said the most important thing is that he has black people come up to him and say they know he'd never say anything racial. He said that he flips out on people when he's attacked. He said that a guy almost chipped his ex-wife's (Kim Bassinger teeth with his camera and he won't even say what he did to that guy.
Howard said he lives in a bubble and never goes out. Howard said that Alec goes out a lot more than he does. Howard said when he does go out he knows he's going to be photographed so he just goes with it. Alec said he's going to try to be more recessive and not go out so much.
Howard said Alec was at the James Gandolfini funeral and figured he was going to get rid of his Twitter account. Alec said he posted something about someone that was very aggressive and hateful. He said his wife is the most decent and kind woman. He said that someone said something about her and he went off on this person. Alec said that people accused him of this homophobic slur. He said that all the work you do goes out the window when you do that. Alec said he got emails from gay rights people who said that they understood what he was doing. The one exception was Anderson Cooper. Alec said that he realized it was the most shocking thing of all. Howard said that Anderson said that he didn't like what he said and he was being hateful. Howard asked what he would say to him if he could. Alec said ''nothing actually.'' Alec said that Anderson has a job to do and that job is to reinforce his credibility in the gay community even though he stayed in the closet for 10 years. He said they couldn't get him out with a bazooka. Alec said that he has to make up for those 10 years now so that's what he's doing.
Alec said he's not writing anything himself on Twitter but he is retweeting. Howard said he can't stay away from it. Alec said he's still on there but he's just retweeting. Alec said you can't just abandon the account or someone else can take it over.
Howard said Alec loves mixing it up with people. He said that he's an activist and he can't keep to himself. He said he's more than just an actor. Alec said that the public advocacy stuff he's done hasn't lined his pocket. He said that no one says anything when Exxon Mobil goes out and spends money doing the same thing. Alec said that people will tell him to shut up when he's trying to protect people's water supply.
Howard said it's proven that fracking causes water problems. He said that he's not sure why they're not looking into this more. Alec said that Howard should sit there and have a Twitter read to see the most hateful stuff. Alec said he has people telling him to leave the country and things like that. He said that you read their profile and they're Christian and god loving people and they're the most hateful.
Howard said this must make Alec crazy. He told him to get off Twitter. Alec said he is. He said he just retweets a few things. Howard said any average Joe can get on there and make him nuts. Alec said that's true. He gave Howard a few examples.
Howard asked if it's true that he was willing to take a pay cut when they announced they were canceling 30 Rock. Alec said that is true. He said they were very lenient with the schedule they had for him to begin with. He said that they did a bunch of seasons but season 5 was probably the weakest. He said they're still great writers but that season was a little weak. He said that season 6 was going to be the last but then the show took off again. Alec said that he met his wife and told them that he would stay on and said they should do season 7 and 8. Alec said the pay really ramps up after that. He said that you don't make a lot of money in the beginning but the show keeps going and it goes up. Alec said he knew the numbers might not make sense to NBC but he was willing to take that 20 percent cut. He said Tina was done because she had her second kid. Alec said she was the star and she had a second child. Howard asked if he's close to her. Alec said he sees her once in a while. Howard said that people must assume that they hang out all the time. Howard said it's just not like that though.
Howard asked if he thinks Tina likes him as a person. Alec said he thinks that she appreciates the contribution he made to the show. Alec said she wrote, starred in and produced the show. He said she was working hard days over there. He said he doesn't write the stuff but he performed in the show so it's like a singer/songwriter thing. Alec said as a writer he thinks that they were very kind to him. He won two Emmys for the show and he was nominated again for the final year.
Howard asked if he was ever asked to do the Emmys hosting with Steve Martin again. Alec said that he did an award show for Elle Magazine. He said he likes to do stuff for charity and that's why he's doing the Capital One commercials. He said he gives a lot of money to charity thanks to those commercials.
Howard asked Alec if he hates acting. Alec said he doesn't like the business because it's boring. He said making movies is boring. Howard said when you play a great character it has to be great though. Alec said it can be but you don't get those roles that often. Alec told Howard what it's like to shoot a scene. He told him about shooting a scene where he has to open a shower door and show the tension in his hand. He said that goes on all day long.
Howard asked if he likes theater more. Alec said he does. He laughed as Howard was ripping through these questions with him. He said that he knows that it's going down another road. Howard said that Shia Lebouf was kind of shitty to Alec. He quit a show he was doing and then released some private emails that he had sent to him.
Howard asked if he thinks that he's one of the top 5 actors in this country. Alec said he's not at all. He said you can't think that way. Alec said that he admires people like Kevin Klein and Daniel Day Lewis. Howard said you never see them on Twitter. Alec said that's true.
Alec said that when you do a film you have to do like 100 different shows. He said they give you everything. He said that a lot of people are being asked to be paid to do that promotion now. He said there are some who think that doing too much promotion hurts the film. Howard said he believes that. He said he thinks that doing too much is going to make people sick of it.
Alec said his wife works for Extra so he knows what that's like. He said he will talk to them but most of the entertainment shows have demystified the business.
Alec said he saw Daniel Day Lewis once and he told him how great Lincoln was and how he gives inspiration to other actors. Alec said that he would have done some things differently in his career. Howard asked what those things would be. Alec said he never would have set foot in Howard's studio for one. Robin said that's true, you never see Daniel Day Lewis in there.
Howard said Alec is too out there in the public. Howard said Daniel is so reclusive that you never see him at all. Howard said Alec isn't like that. He said he never would have been on Saturday Night Live as much as he was if he was reclusive.
Howard asked if he's watching Ray Donovan. Alec said he has seen some of it. Howard asked if he would like to do a show like that. Alec said that he likes those shows. Howard said they're almost better than movies now. Alec said they aren't really because when a movie works it really works. Alec said he likes doing both TV and movies. He said that you can't make a great film without a great director. He said you can make an okay movie but not a great one. He said there isn't enough talent out there right now.
Howard asked why he hasn't played a villain in a super hero movie. Alec said he was asked to do it but he won't say which one. Howard said he has to know. Alec said he can't say. He said he has already violated every principle of this business on this show. Alec said he had to turn it down because of his schedule. He had to turn down two this summer. Howard said that he has to know what he would have been playing. Alec wasn't saying.
Howard asked Alec if this irked him. He said his daughter is beautiful and for a while they were putting pictures of her in bikinis in the paper. Howard said he thinks they were just doing that to get to Alec. Alec said if his daughter becomes rich and famous that actually works for him. He said the good news for him is that what Ireland went through in a custody battle has helped her. He said she has a very healthy knowledge of fame. He said she is testing it all out but she realizes that it is toxic. He said he asks people to be honest with themselves and ask if you're in it for money or for the art. He said it can be very rewarding. Alec said he went into it for money. He said he wanted to help his family. Alec said he did his first job on a Soap Opera and he was able to put a new roof on his mom's house. He said he wanted to get into politics but he fell into this rabbit hole.
Howard asked Alec if he would ever quit acting to get into politics. Alec said he's not sure he would at this point. He said he has a wife and child now and he doesn't think he would do that. Alec said he saw Bobby Kennedy give a speech a few times and he was talking about the oil and gas companies and all of the hidden costs. He said he stood there looking at people with tears in their eyes. He said that he wondered why he never ran. Alec said he was so tough and smart. He said he asked him why he never ran and he said he would never put his family through something like that.
Howard said even Bobby Kennedy was fucking around on his family. Alec said he has a harsh opinion about modern politicians. He said that there are a group of people who think that this stuff belongs to them. He said that Bloomberg, Spitzer and Weiner are a few. He said that Spitzer jumped in when he saw that Weiner was running. He said that these people feel like these jobs belong to them. Howard said he thinks that Bloomberg didn't need to be a public servant. He said he gave himself to the job. Alec said there were some good things there but not many good things. Howard said he thinks he ran the city pretty well. Alec said that the homeless people are at a record number again. Alec said Bloomberg spent more money than anyone in history to get that job. He said that they understand marketing. He said no one spent more money than he did to convince people how great he was.
Alec said Bloomberg would have been great if he had just gotten out of office. He said he ended up changing the term limits though. He said he believes in term limits. Howard asked if people are too stupid not to vote someone out. Alec said you need to have a fair election. He said we need campaign finance laws or term limits.
Alec said that they could find people on the street who are better than the members of congress today. Howard said he thinks there are some intelligent people out there. Alec said that we need fresh blood and fresh people. Howard said it sounds like he wants to run. Alec said what he wants is his own thiefdom there at Sirius like Howard has. Howard said in 15 minutes or so he's going to have the Hottest Chick / Biggest Fan contest. Howard said Alec doesn't need to see that now that he has his wife. Howard said he has some great stuff happening on the show. Alec asked how he can get people to come on the show to compete in these contests. Howard told him that they put up 5 grand for them to compete for.
Howard asked Alec if he's ever shown his penis in a play or a movie. Alec said he did that once and the whole crew passed out.
Robin said Alec is checking his watch. Alec said he loves Howard and would talk to him all day but he has to make sure he has time.
Alec said when he's on Twitter he has to apologize if he says something that upsets people. He said that the worst thing you can have is young impressionable people who think that you're intolerant. He said that if you take offense to something he says then he's going to apologize for you taking offense to it. He said that Anderson Cooper is like the J. Edgar Hoover of gay people.
Alec said he'll tell people that he's going to do Howard and they say ''Really!?'' Alec said he tells them that this is one place he can go and say anything he wants to say. He said he loves doing this show. Howard said they love having him there.
Howard said Alec was talking about his brothers and he was asked why he was the most successful. Howard said Alec said he's the most successful because his brothers were lazy. Howard said Alec said something about them hanging out like they were at a country club. Alec said he was joking. Howard said he doesn't think he was. Alec said he came into the business in the late 70s or early 80s and there was still a whiff of the old school business. Alec said that his brothers came into it a little later. He said he would do a play and they would say that's great but in that way that was like ''Oh, that's so quaint.'' Howard said you have to go out and be a real actor and then maybe the fame will come. Howard said you have to love acting.
Howard asked Alec why he thinks Johnny Depp takes a role like Tonto. Alec said maybe one day he was in the French Riviera and he thought that it was a good idea.
Howard asked what movie was the last one he went to see. Alec said he watches a lot of DVD but doesn't go to the movies that much. He said the movie he saw last in a theater was Blue Jasmine, last night. He said that they had a screening before that. Alec said that he likes the movie but his contribution isn't that much. He said he liked Cate and Woody's movie.
Howard asked Alec if he has to audition for Woody. Alec said he didn't. He said he got a call from someone who said that Woody wanted to talk to him. Howard asked if he read the script. Alec said that he got a portion of the script or maybe it was the whole thing. Alec said that his less successful stuff is better than some people's best stuff.
Alec said that he has worked for Woody before. He said that he's so intimidated by him. Howard asked if he got intimidated by working on 30 Rock. Alec said he did. He said they're so great over there.
Alec said he remembers looking at Cate Blanchett and thinking about how he hadn't been around actors like that in a long time. Howard asked if Woody will give him direction. Alec said he does. He said that he'll say ''I'm not believing you'' and they'll do it over and over until they get it right.
Howard asked if he was surprised that they put Dice in the movie. Alec said he was at first but he is a great part of the movie. He said Peter Sarsgaard is great too. Howard asked if he works with Dice in the movie. Alec said he did. He said he's great to work with too. Howard asked Alec if he went off on Woody asking what the hell he was thinking. Alec said of course he didn't do that. He said you would never do that.
Howard asked if Alec is having as much sex as he was before the kid. Alec just cleared his throat and didn't answer. Howard said that Alec was over at his house and he made the excuse that he had another party to go to. Alec said that his wife wanted to stay at that party. He said that she was having a great time. Howard said Billy Joel got on the piano after he left so he did miss out on that.
Alec asked what's coming up next. Howard told him that they have good looking women coming in who are big fans of the show. Howard said that they'll find out who the hottest chick is that's also the biggest fan. Howard said they're playing for $5,000. Howard said all of them are anti-fracking too so he'd be so attracted to them.
Howard asked Alec when the baby is coming. Alec asked why Howard is so anti Royal. Howard said he's not anti-royal. Howard said that the Queen makes $42 million a year. He said she doesn't need that kind of money. Alec said they own all of this land there. Howard said they'd be fine with $15 million. Alec said that they ask the people there to help pay for the upkeep of all of this stuff that's a big tourist draw. Robin said the queen gave up the royal piper a few years ago. Robin said that this guy was playing to wake her up every morning. Alec said now that man is out of a job. Alec said that he's very happy for Kate. He said that he thinks that they're very intriguing.
Howard said Alec's wife is great. Alec said she really is. Howard asked if the sex is great. Alec just coughed and said he has a Frisbee stuck in his throat. He wasn't going to talk about anything like that.
Robin said Alec had a stalker. Alec said that if he told them how he met this woman and who she was it would all add up. He said that he can't talk about it though. Alec said that this guy had to get this woman off his hands so he set her up on a dinner thing with him. Alec said that he had dinner with her and that was it. He said they ended that and then all of this stuff went on. Howard said that Paul McCartney sent Yoko Ono to John Lennon. Gary said that's what Paul told Howard on the show. Howard said that's right.
Howard asked if there is anything flattering about having someone who is that into you. Alec gave him a big no. Alec said he wants a peaceful life. He said he doesn't want all of the photographers and video guys out there waiting for him. He said they have trucks in front of his house and that bothers him and offends him. Howard asked if he watches FOX at all. Alec said he can't avoid it at times. He said that he'll watch O'Reilly because he thinks he's talented. He said Hannity is untalented. Alec said that it's like one day someone there had a heart attack and they handed the microphone to a gym teacher.
Howard asked if he has any best friends who are regular guys. Alec said he has one named Brendan O'Connell who lives up in Connecticut. He said he has a friend named Ronnie who has been his friend for years.
Howard asked Alec if his list of women would be mind boggling to them. Alec asked if this is really what they're going out on. Howard said they are. Alec said that the numbers would be between a zip code and the national debt. Howard said he must have had a lot of fun over the years. Alec said he had some fun.
Howard gave Alec some plugs for the movie Blue Jasmine. Alec said he has to go shoot some more Capital One credit card commercials today. He said he's going to have a long day. Alec said they do the stuff a line at a time. He said it should be a very easy day. Alec said he's already given $13 million to charity thanks to those commercials.
Alec said he'll see Howard around on Long Island. Alec said Howard told him to come over for Fireworks. Howard said he hates fireworks. Alec asked Howard what he would do if he had the whole day for himself. Howard said he'd wake up and eat his breakfast. Howard said he'd have egg whites and a half bagel or something. Howard said that he went out to dinner with Alec one night and they had a bread basket on the table. When his wife went to the bathroom Alec grabbed some of the bread. When she came back he stopped eating it. He said he's so afraid of his wife. Alec said she has thought him how to eat and keep the weight off. Howard said that Robin is only eating vegetables. She won't eat anything else. Robin said she might have popcorn once in a while. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said they have the Hottest Chick / Biggest Fan contest now. He said that they have 3 hot chicks and they are hot. He said that they want to find out who is the biggest fan. Howard said they've all been screened by their hot judges. Robin said they have to determine how big a fan they are.
Howard said first up they have Heather. Howard said she's really hot. Howard said that you can't say that she's not hot. Fred said she's a 10. Howard asked who people say she looks like. Heather said she doesn't know. She said they compare her to anyone who is blonde. She said she's 31 years old. Howard said she's been listening since 1998. Howard said she was a fan of the E! show before that. Howard said she has Howard TV and also listens on SiriusXM. Heather said JD used to follow her on Twitter but now he doesn't. She said she didn't notice really. Howard said they found out that they've all been friends with JD or had some kind of contact with him at some point.
Howard asked JD why he stopped following Heather. Howard said he heard a rumor that he stopped when they said he was stalking some women. JD said he has not had contact with all of them. He said a few of them he has. JD said that Heather is gorgeous so that's why he was following her. JD said he stopped following her so he wouldn't have accusations of collusion with this game. JD said she posts bikini pictures on her account. Howard asked why she didn't wear a bikini today. Heather said that she felt embarrassed. Howard said her breasts are magnificent. She said they're fake. Howard said they look great.
Howard asked Heather if she's annoyed by anyone on the show. Heather said Debbie the Pet Lady is the only one who annoys her. She said that she loves Doug Goodstein though.
Howard said that they have a $5,000 grand prize today. He said this is no meager prize. Howard said that Heather must get hit on all the time. She said that no one is rude about it. She said that she usually dresses down. Howard said she's single too. Howard said she must be picking the wrong guys if she hasn't been asked to get married yet. Howard asked if she's bad in bed. Heather said she doesn't think so. Howard said her personality seems delightful.
Howard said that the next contestant is Amy. Howard said she's great looking too. Howard said she is sexy Amy. Howard said she has some rack too. Howard asked if they're real. Amy said they're fake. Howard said everyone has fake ones these days. Howard said Amy is tall and thin. She's 5'9'' tall and 123 pounds. Howard said that's a good weight. Howard asked where she's from. She lives in Scottsdale, Arizona. She said she's been listening for about 20 years. Howard said that the questions could go back that far so that could be an advantage.
Howard asked how Amy met JD. She said she met him in Jamaica at the block party. She said that she was already on vacation down there and didn't go down just for the block party. Amy said JD was kind of rude. Howard said that she's a pretty girl so he's not sure why he would be rude. JD said that trip was such a cluster fuck. Howard said she should be wearing a bikini too. Amy said she did in Jamaica. JD said he's sorry if he was rude but he didn't mean to be.
Howard asked if JD was mumbling with her. Amy said he did take a picture with her but he was acting like Fred's impression of him. Howard said Ronnie was there too. Amy said Ronnie was super sweet and had a great conversation with her. Howard asked Ronnie why JD didn't make a move on this girl. Ronnie came in and said he's crazy. He said there is something wrong with him. He said he's always got an issue. Howard said that she said Ronnie was a great guy to her. Ronnie said he's always nice. Ronnie said he tries to help JD but he just doesn't get it. JD said he doesn't remember the actual interaction. Howard asked Amy what he did after she took the picture. Amy said he ran off. She said he literally ran off.
Howard asked who Amy's favorites are on the show. She said she loves Beetlejuice. She said that she loves Howard of course. Amy said she has a special place in her heart for Ronnie too. Howard said she hates Benjy according to the notes. Amy said not being able to answer a question makes her crazy. She apologized to Benjy for that. Howard asked Amy if she thinks she can win. She said she sure hopes so.
Howard had Megan come in next. Megan is from Orlando, Florida. Howard said that they have some hot chicks listening to the show. Megan said she's so excited to be there. Howard said she has great boobs too. She said they're fake too. Howard said they did a great job with them. Megan is 28 and she's been listening since she was 13. She said her dad is like the biggest fan of Howard's. Howard said that she hates Scott DePace on the show and her favorites are Robin and Jason. Megan said she adores Robin. She said that she hasn't met JD ever though. She said that JD hasn't had any contact at all with her.
Howard said Megan is very good looking. Amy said she's so cute. Howard said that she must get hit on a lot. She said that she had Eli Manning hitting on her. Megan said she was engaged at the time though. She's married now. Robin asked what her husband does. She said they're both photographers. Megan said that she is a Benjy fan and she has downloaded Online Sweetheart and listens to it. Howard said that's great. Benjy said he likes the song too.
Howard said they have a fourth contestant in the elevator on the way up. Howard said that they'll take a break and continue the contest.
Howard said they have one more contestant to meet. Howard said her name is Lindsay. Howard said she's hot too. Howard said he really has hot fans. She's been listening since 2001-2002. Howard said her boobs are big too. They're real. Howard said she might be at a disadvantage. She said she listened to a lot of the old shows. She said she does what she has to do.
Howard asked Lindsay if she's ever had an interaction with Lindsay. She said she got a friend request from him and she has a private profile. She said she wasn't sure if it was even JD's. JD said it's not him. He said he doesn't recognize her at all so he doesn't think he did that. Gary asked how many girls he friends in a month. JD said he doesn't know but it's not that many. Gary said he probably just doesn't remember her. JD said he didn't though. Lindsay said she's not sure if it was really his account or not. Howard asked how old she was when she lost her virginity. She said she was a freshman in high school.
Howard said that Lindsay says that she's bugged by Fred on the show. Lindsay said that she feels like he's very passive aggressive and he could snap at any minute. Howard said sometimes he does get upset. Fred said he's sorry that he disappoints her. Lindsay said that's okay.
Howard said that all of the girls are very good looking. Howard said that the question is who is the biggest fan? Howard said that's what they're there to determine. Howard had Fred play him some music for the game and then got into it with the girls. Howard said that it's time to play the game. Each girl will get one point for a correct answer. Robin asked if any of the girls had qualification tests. Gary said yes. Howard asked Gary what they do. Gary said they have a 10 question test that they give them. Howard said Gary has a camera on his head today. He said Howard TV is trying something today. He said it looks like an 80's exercise video. Howard said Gary thinks he looks ridiculous. Gary said they gave the girls the test and the girls with the highest scores came in.
Howard said Avion Tequila is the sponsor of the game so that's where the money is coming from. Howard said all of the girls are very good looking. He said now they have to prove who is the biggest fan.
Howard said that if you don't get the answer right he'll move on to the next person. Howard asked Heather ''What is Robin's middle Name?'' She got it right with Ophelia.
Howard asked Amy ''Ronnie Mund is known as ''Ronnie the blank.'' She got it right with Limo Driver.
Howard asked Megan who the director of the Howard TV show is. She got it wrong when she said Doug. It was Scott DePace and Lindsay got that one right. Howard said that was an easy one.
Howard asked Heather ''What was JD's much mocked high school name?'' Amy said DABA or DaBadAss. She got it right.
Howard asked Amy What Gange's first name is. She got it right with Mike.
Howard asked Megan ''Eric the Midget got his nickname changed to Eric the blank.'' she got it right with Actor.
Howard asked Lindsay which radio station was his home base for 20 years. She got it right with K-Rock.
Howard asked Heather about the WWOR TV show and what it was known as. She got it right with The channel 9 show.
Howard asked Amy what they were going to fly Eric the Actor with. She said balloons and got it right.
Howard asked Megan who the first celebrity was to go down to the homo room. Megan was having trouble remembering. Amy knew and wanted to answer. Lindsay said William Shatner and got it right.
Howard asked Heather what the name of the street gang was that Ronnie Mund belonged to. Heather didn't know. Amy didn't know. Megan and Lindsay didn't know. Howard said the answer is The Hitters.
Howard asked Heather what ex boyfriend Robin referred to as a deep thinker. She got it right with Jim Florentine.
Howard asked Amy what animal Howard felt Gary should do his tech updates as. She said beaver and got it right.
Howard asked Megan what Jon Leiberman's rap name is. She said 2 Live Jew and got it right.
Howard asked Lindsay about how many blow jobs Jon Hein got from girls before he got married. Lindsay didn't so Howard moved on until Amy got it right with 80.
Howard asked Megan what George Takei's husband's name is. Megan said it was Brad. She got that one right.
Howard asked Lindsay who Howard replaced on AGT. Piers Morgan was her correct answer.
Howard asked Heather what Steve Grillo referred to Tracy Millman as which led to him being called a douche. Heather said cunt and got it wrong. Amy said she didn't know. Megan didn't know and Lindsay didn't know. It was ''Intern Wrangler.''
Howard asked Heather what Howard TV motion picture JD starred in. Heather didn't know. Amy, Megan and Lindsay didn't know. It was Super Twink.
Howard asked Heather which two current staffers have diabetes. Heather said Jon Hein and Brian Phelan. She was wrong. Amy said Jon Hein and Jason Kaplan. She was wrong too. Megan said Jon Hein and Gange. She was wrong. Lindsay guessed Jon and Leiberman. She was wrong. It's Jon Hein and Steve Brandano.
Howard asked Heather what song Fred played too fast for Natalie Maines. She said Golden Nickels and Silver dimes. She was wrong. Amy guessed Landslide. She was wrong. Megan said it was by a guy singer. She didn't know. Lindsay wasn't sure either. The song was ''Mother'' by Pink Floyd.
Howard asked Heather what Scott DePace's invention is. Her answer of The Golf Caddy was wrong. Amy didn't know. Megan didn't know. Lindsay didn't know. It's the Video Caddy.
Howard asked heather what Fred got his mother for mother's day. She didn't know. Amy said Cookie Puss and got it right. She was up to 6 correct answers.
Howard asked Megan what sitcom Robin Quivers appeared on in the 1990s. Megan didn't know. Lindsay didn't know. heather got it wrong and Amy said that it was the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. She was right.
Howard said that's why Amy is the champion. Howard said that Amy has won the 5 grand. Howard asked Amy how she's feeling. She said she's excited. Howard asked what she's going to do with the money. She said she's going to do something fabulous and fun. Howard said the other girls are getting $500 each. Howard had Ken Austin and Jennifer from Avion come in with the check. Howard said Jennifer is hot. Howard asked where she went to college and she said she went to Harvard. Howard said that they have a Harvard CEO over there. Howard said she's no dummy.
Howard said he has to congratulate Ken on this Avion. Ken said the company is growing very fast and they have Howard to thank for that. Howard asked if Jennifer is married. She said she is. Howard said she's some catch. Howard said she must be a lot of fun too. Howard turned the microphone over to Ken and he said they'd like to hire her at Avion. He presented her with the check for $5,000. Howard thanked Ken for that and for the great tequila. Howard said that they can only have one winner. Howard said that they're all hot though and that's what counts. Howard said Amy is super hot and a super fan. Howard said she did very well. Howard told her to enjoy the money. She said she will. They went to break after that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a woman using Pastor Manning audio clips when he was yelling about President Obama being a Long Legged Mack Daddy.
Howard said that they have a family sitting in today and they donated money to the Long Island Bulldog rescue. The guy said they were there about a year ago. Howard said that their kid is only 15 so he can't play Robin's intro. The mom and dad said that's fine. The kid is a big fan. They told Howard that their son donated his bar Mitzvah money to the rescue too. Howard said that's great. He remembers the guy and his wife because the wife is hot. Howard said the son's friends must go nuts for her. The kid said that they do. Howard said he knew a kid who had a hot mom when he was a kid. He said his friends must come over just to stare at her. The son said that his friends don't but his girlfriend likes her a lot.
Howard asked the guy what kind of money he has. He said he made money in collectible spoons. He was just joking. Howard said this is Jeff, Ivy and Gray. Jeff told Howard that Howard should check out the show Banshee on Cinemax. He said that he thinks he'll like it. Robin said she's been trying to get Howard into it. Jeff said the guy beats the crap out of guys and bangs chicks a lot. Howard said that they seem pretty liberal with their kid. Jeff said they are. Howard said his parents were too and look how screwed up he is.
Howard asked if guys are always hitting on his mom. Gray said that Vin Diesel did something. His mom cut him off. She didn't remember the story. Jeff said JD is a fan of her's too. He friended her on Facebook. Jeff said that JD asked if she was still with her husband. Howard asked what Vin Diesel did. Gray said that he offered to share a cab with her. Gray said he got a picture with him thanks to that. Howard said that Ivy has to be careful around the kids. She said she's always careful. She said that she wears a one piece when she's around the kids. Howard said he's sure there are people spying on her out there in the woods. Howard said he'd find a hole in the woods to spy on her.
Gray told Howard they were on their way to a deli and he got out of the car and came back. He said there was a card on the windshield for a personal trainer. It had the guy's number on the card. Ivy said that was funny. Jeff said he likes that. Howard said he must be doing pretty well to live in Armonk. Jeff said he's doing okay.
Jeff said that Ivy would have won the contest today. He said in the greenroom she won. Howard told Jeff to never let Ivy get a personal trainer. Ivy said she was getting a massage once and the guy told her that she reminded him of his old girlfriend. She said that he was getting too low with the massage when he was rubbing her ass. She said she just left and told her husband. She said that she told him that it was totally inappropriate.
Howard asked Gray if he's a smart kid. Gray said he guesses he is. He said that French is hard for him. Howard said that's a BS language anyway. Howard said he should take Spanish. Ivy said that's what they told him. They told him to take Spanish or Mandarin. Howard said that's a good one too. He said to do business you need to know Chinese.
Howard asked if he knows his times tables. Gray said he does. Howard threw out 9x8. It took a few seconds but Gray got it right with 72. Howard asked what he wants to be. Gray said he'd like to be a psychologist. Ivy asked where that came from. She said he must have changed his mind in the last few minutes.
Howard said he can't play Robin's theme song. He feels weird playing that for Gray. Ivy and Jeff said he hears it all already. She said they turn it off when it's like a mother/son thing. She said that's where they draw the line.
Ivy said she showered with Gray until about 3 years ago. Howard said he's seen her naked then. Howard said that could wreck the kid. Howard said he saw his mom naked. Gray said that he was young enough to block it out now. Howard said he won't ask about it because of his age. Jeff said Gray wants to know the gamer tags for Jason, Shuli and DePace so he can play online. Scott DePace said his is DukerDog. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Jeff told Howard that his brother would send him tapes of his show when he was going to school. He said he listened regularly. Howard said that it all paid off too.
Howard asked Robin what's in the news. Robin said that the Rolling Stones released a video messaged to their fans for the past 50 years of support. Robin had some audio of the message they released.
Robin read about a Michigan man who died and came back to life. Howard said that means he didn't die. Robin said this happened in 1991 and she has audio of the guy describing what happened. The guy said he drank himself to death. Robin said he went to the bedroom at home and went to the hospital 3 days later and got treatment. He claims he died and was moved toward a bright light. Then angels told him to return. Howard said here's what happened. The guy is an alcoholic and he probably came close to death. The brain that dies first is the one that shows bright light. Howard said there is no such thing as dying and coming back. Howard said it's all BS. Howard said he'd like to believe it but he doesn't. He said you go nowhere.
Robin read about a Nazi themed cafe in Indonesia that's closing. Robin said they were forced to shut down because of the Nazi memorabilia they had on the walls. Robin said the owner says he was giving his store a World War II theme.
Robin read about a man who dressed as Superman in Alaska and ended up being caught with heroin.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she's so excited about tonight's AGT. Howard said he's excited too. He said he's not sure why he has to be there by 2 though.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he put through the heavy metal screaming girl and not the better acts. Howard said he though it was something different. Howard said she got through in Vegas but he didn't put her through. Howard said he thinks she's on the show tonight. Howard said he's uncensored tonight so his comments won't be censored. Howard said that's only if he can stay awake for tonight. Howard said there's a 60 percent chance that he'll be napping through the show. Howard said they want him to do a pyrotechnics thing that could set his hair on fire like Michael Jackson. Howard said he's not doing it. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about how the people in Britain are going to have to opt in to get porn. They're going to block all porn and people will have to opt in to request porn. Robin said that you have to get in on your porn now over there.
Howard asked Gray if he watches porn. He said he does. His mom said ''What?'' Howard asked what age he started. Gray said he started at 13. Ivy asked if it was sex stuff. Gray said it was. Howard said he didn't have anything like that when he was a kid. Howard said maybe the Prime Minister is right.
Robin said that Geraldo Rivera posted a self portrait of himself bare chested with a towel around his waist. He said that 70 is the new 50. Howard said he loves when guys do that. He said 70 is the new 70 but he looks 70. Howard said 50 is 50 and 70 is 70. Howard said he looks weird in the picture. Howard said Geraldo looks like Ronnie.
Robin brought up the royal birth and had some audio of the royal crier making the announcement. Howard said he sounds like JD because he can't understand a word he's saying. Robin had a few other clips of people talking about this baby boy.
Robin read a story about a plane that landed at Laguardia and had a front nose gear failure. Howard said that's why their contestants weren't able to get there today. Howard said they had the airport tied up.
Robin had some audio of Elliot Spitzer on Jimmy Fallon's show talking about running for Comptroller.
Robin read about Six Flags and how they're not commenting on the woman who died in a roller coaster. Robin said they're going to investigate the accident. Robin had some audio of someone giving a statement about not commenting. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard asked Gray why he doesn't want to be a radio guy. Gray said he's not sure he could be on the air. Howard said he could be a producer. He said that's what Gary does. He said he just listens all morning. Howard said this kid is pretty good. He said the Levine family did good. Howard asked Gray if he wants big teeth. Gray said that it's so funny when he makes fun of Gary's teeth. Howard asked if he likes it when he goofs on JD or Gary better. Gray said he wants to hear the JD thing. Howard had Fred do his impression of JD for a second. Howard asked if they met JD. They hadn't so Howard had JD come in. Howard told Gray give him some advice on women since he's had a girlfriend and JD hasn't. Howard said this kid speaks better than him. JD said ''Who doesn't?'' Howard let Gray ask him some questions. He asked JD how many collectible spoons he has. JD said he doesn't have that many.
Howard asked what JD did with Amy on Facebook. Amy said he friended him. JD said he was just fucking around. Howard told him to watch his language. Howard asked if JD has a chance of being Gray's step-dad. Ivy said no way. JD asked if he can leave now. Ivy said she was sorry. JD said this isn't the first time he's heard that or the last.
Robin got back to her news and read about George Zimmerman helping four family members get out of their crashed SUV. Robin said that he was just out driving around and he ran across this accident. Robin said he hadn't been seen around much since his trial.
Robin said that some hip hop and rap stars are thinking about boycotting Florida because of the outcome of that Zimmerman case. Robin mentioned Jay-Z in there and Howard said he knows that Jay-Z removed the hyphen from his name. Howard wondered why he would do that. Robin said maybe he did because she's reading it and there isn't one.
Howard said he wants to remind people that George Bush was against stem cell research but they're coming close to curing blindness with this stem cell thing. Robin was arguing with Howard about how they harvest them. Robin said she was reading that you can take them at any time and they can morph back and forth and become whatever it is we need it to be.
Howard said that at the same moment JD is rubbing his spoons on Richard's penis there are people working on stem cell research.
Robin read about how people are all for a ban against smoking in cars when there are other people in the car. Howard said he's all for that.
Robin asked Howard if you're safer in a small town or a big city. Howard said small town. Robin said it's actually more likely you'll die a violent death in a small town.
Robin read about the Forbes list of top earning celebrities under 30. Howard said it must be Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. Robin said she's not in the top 10 but Justin is number 2. Lady Gaga is number 1. She's 27 years old and they say she made 80 million. Robin said Taylor Swift is in there too. Calvin Harris is on the list too. Howard had no idea who that was. Robin didn't either. Robin went through some of the other people on the list.
Robin read a story about the Michael Jackson family law suit against AEG. Robin said that Jackson's mother took the stand and she said she had no idea her son was on the drugs he was on. Robin said that moms never know. Howard said he didn't even know Artie was on drugs when he was working there.
Robin said Snoop Dogg is expanding his business into the animal world. He's introduced Dogg for Dog for pets. He's working with Chelsea Handler and Michael Buble on this venture.
Robin read a story about Kanye West introducing his new video. Howard asked if Ivy is into him. Ivy said she's not. She said that she likes black guys though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the contest was great. He said the chicks sounded hot. He asked what's up with JD and the girls. He said there's always something weird going on with him. He said he's JD's age and he would think he'd bring in a good amount of tail. Howard said JD is doing okay with the girls. The guy said he would give his left nut to be on the show. Howard asked if he's serious because they have a contest coming up for that. Robin read another quick story and they ended the show. They were done around 10:25am.
Jon went over some of the other things that happened on the show like Howard's hour long masturbation and things like that.
Steve Brandano said that Gray is sitting in the studio and that's why Jon is trying to be clean. Jon said he thinks that Gray's parents are very liberal so that's fine.
Jon said Howard went off on that local DJ today and it really lit a fire under him. He said maybe that's what makes Howard so successful. Steve said that might have been taking some anger out on his long day today too.
Jon asked if the meeting is happening right now. Tracey Millman said that they're waiting until 11. She said she'd go get the other guys now.
Jon said that he and High Pitch Mike will be hosting AGT All Access tonight. He said that they'll be on Howard 101 at 7 tonight. Jon said that they're shooting AGT at Radio City and that's going to be wild.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to ask Gary if he'll do whatever it takes to keep Eric off the air. Jon said Gary isn't there to answer that. He said some people love Eric on the show and some hate him. He said he does get a reaction from the fans and that's what you want. Jon said that Howard has been so generous with Eric and he has to work his way back into his good graces.
Jon said that today's main focus of the show today was JD. He just walked in so he has to talk to him. Jon said that he seems to be involved with just about every woman that was on the show today. JD said that they're all fans of the show and he's run into them. He said that one of the girls he ran into at the block party and one was on Instagram. He said Mrs. Levine was there before so he knew her from that visit. JD said that he sort of contacted the one on Instagram.
Jon asked what he thinks about that guy who called in saying he'd be getting all kinds of girls. JD said more power to him. He said he can't even talk to girls without being talked about on the show. Jon asked if he feels he's missing out on a golden opportunity on the show. JD said he's not sure what he means. Jon said that a lot of women want to meet JD and talk to him. He asked if he feels he's missing an opportunity. JD said that if he could hold a conversation with someone them maybe.
Jon asked why he has a good online rap. JD said he's not sure he does. Jon said he seems to feel comfortable on there. JD said that it's more comfortable not to talk face to face. JD said that it's just easier. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said that he's able to let it roll off his back. Gary asked how Jon handles it. Jon stated to get into it but asked JD what he does. JD said he just blocks them. JD said he'll also report people for spam if they're really bad. JD said he doesn't care what they have to say. Gary said he doesn't even block people anymore.
Jon asked Ronnie what he does. Ronnie said he either ignores them or answers them. Ronnie said he does both. Jon asked if they can affect his day. Ronnie said there was one guy who used to get to him but he blocked him.
Jon said that what you type may be affecting people. Ronnie said the same people who hate you on Twitter come up to you at a show and they love you. JD said he hates that. JD said they say that they're just busting balls. JD asked what gives them the right to bust his balls. Jon said that they just want to feel like they're part of the show. Gary said in the old days people had to put effort into hating you. He said now it's very easy. He said it was better when it was harder.
Jason said that he put a picture of JD up with Jason Biggs on Twitter and people were bashing him within a half a second of posting it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was in upstate New York and Alec Baldwin was up there. He said that he told Alec he was a big fan of his when he's on Howard and he got out of his car to do an interview with him. He said it all depends on how you treat the guy. They spent a few seconds talking about that and then went to break.
Jon asked Gary about the POV camera he had on his head today. Gary said he was fine with it. Jon said he felt like Doug was goofing on him by putting that thing on his head. Gary said he really was fine with it. He said they had some good stuff behind the scenes today. He said that they had some problems getting the contestants there today so it should be good stuff.
Ronnie said one of the girls lost her luggage and she wasn't going to participate. Ronnie said that she was almost in tears. Ronnie said he took it by the balls and talked to Megan. He said that she had another outfit with her and she ended up wearing what he picked for her. Ronnie said that she gave that dress to Amy and that boosted her confidence. Ronnie said he gave her some suggestions on what to wear. He said that it looked better with the push-up bra on. He said her boobs were falling right out and it was great.
Ronnie said Heather's friend gave her shoes to Amy to borrow. Ronnie said she was so happy after all of that. She was ready to go in there and win.
Jason said Ronnie does know how to make women look hot. He said he just tells them what to wear and doesn't give them an option. He said he's hung with Ronnie before and he talks to strippers in one way and civilians in a kinder way. Gary said he's seen that strip club thing and it works. He said that he tells them what to do and the girls listen.
Jon asked if JD could take that attitude and make it work. JD said he has tried it. Ronnie said that Amy girl they met in Jamaica. He said she was with a guy at the time. They weren't even part of the whole thing. Ronnie said they were part of that Hedonism thing down there and they came over to say hello. Ronnie said he told her to come hang out and they did. He said that she showed up in Boston too. Ronnie said that guy was only her fuck buddy and that's what he told JD. Jason asked JD if he got laid down there in Jamaica. JD said he did not. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11.
Duff from Guns and Roses comes in. 7/25/96.
Remember Guns and Roses? It's been a while since they've done anything. Anyway, Duff from GNR came in to talk to Howard and plug his new band a bit. Howard noticed that Duff is in great shape. Turns out that Duff has been kick boxing to stay in shape. As soon as Howard saw how good Duff looked and immediately figured that Duff was no longer married...he was right. Duff's marriage lasted about 3 years. Now he's single and in great shape. He's not even drinking any more. He said that his pancreas blew up so he had to give it up. Duff is in a new band, Neurotic Outsiders, with Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols. Howard played a couple of songs and they sounded pretty good. The band is filming a video this weekend for the first single. Howard was deciphering the lyrics as he does so well. He figured out what the first song was about without a problem. Duff was kind of mellow and quiet since he's not in the drinking mode. Duff said that Guns and Roses is in the process of writing new songs and Axl is in to it so keep your ears open. The Neurotic Outsiders will be playing at Webster Hall in NY on September 5 if you want to go check them out. Tickets are on sale now.
''Password'' With Beetlejuice and Gary The Retard. 7/25/01. 9:15am
A couple of weeks ago Howard had Beetlejuice play a game of ''Password'' where people tried to get him to say a word that only they knew. They had to give one word clues so Beetlejuice could try and guess the ''password''. It was pretty funny so today Howard had both Beetlejuice and Gary the Retard come in to play the game.
There was a little bit of business to take care of before the game. Howard said that Gary has been staying with High Pitch Erik when he comes to town and he doesn't like it. He complained that Erik tells him what to do and he makes a lot of noise when he's trying to sleep. Gary says he doesn't ever want to stay with him again. Howard had Erik come in and talk about it. Erik says he has to help Gary cross the streets because he's almost gotten killed a couple of times. Gary says he can take care of himself though. He lives on his own in Oregon so he can cross the streets of New York on his own too. Howard also heard that Hank the Dwarf hates staying with Eric and he hates it so much he won't even come on the air to talk about it.
Howard brought Beetlejuice in and he had a complaint of his own but it wasn't about Erik. He was complaining that he didn't get paid by the movie studio for ''Scary Movie 2'' yet. A short time later his manager Sean came in and said they just got paid on Monday after having to make about 15 calls to finally get it.
Howard moved on to the ''Password'' game and he had 2 contestants playing for a trip to Nantucket courtesy of Nantucket Nectars fruit drink. He had Carl and Anna who were paired up with Gary the Retard and Beetlejuice. Howard would give each contestant a word and they'd give their partner one word clues trying to get them to say the password. They had words like:
After AJ's call Howard took a break and came back to let Gary the Retard shave High Pitch Erik's head. Erik was willing to let him do that and Gary really had fun doing it. Gary came to life like no one's ever seen before. He was talking about the hair cut through the whole thing and it was like he'd become another person while he was cutting his hair. He was like ''Floyd the Retarded Barber'' according to Howard. Some people said it was like he was reliving his childhood or something by the way he was talking about the hair as he cut it. He was even doing a good job at it. He was holding Erik's ear the right way as he cut the hair and stuff like that. Howard thought it was looking good until someone pointed out how crooked the back of Erik's hair was in the back. Erik seemed to be happy with the whole thing though.
KC pointed out how huge Erik's belly has become. Erik claims that he weighs 299 pounds but Howard thinks he's broken the 300 pound mark by the way he looks. Everyone goofed on Eric's fat belly for a few minutes and asked him why he'd let himself get that way. Ralph, who was hanging out in the studio today, told Erik he's on TV and said that there's no way he should let him self look that way. Ralph pointed out that even Gary the Retard knows better than to let himself get that fat... and he's retarded! You can find out more info on these guys by using the links below:
Various Stuff. 7/25/00. 6:05am
Stuttering John waddled in to talk about how he almost killed someone while playing a game of golf recently. John's 'roids were acting up again this morning after having some loose movements this morning. John, Jackie and 2 guys from E! went to golf. John was teamed up with one of the E! guys and by the end of the game he was so pissed off that he had to leave the group before he killed someone. John had lost one of his clubs during the game and at one point he yelled something to one of the other guys and screwed up his teammate. That's when they got pissed off at each other. By the end of it John was ready to leave. He decided not to go drink with the rest of the crew and walked off.
More Disturbing Sal And Richard Stories. 07/25/05. 7:30am
Howard said he heard a disturbing story about Sal and Richard. He heard that Sal pleasured himself on the plane flight to wherever it was they were working. Richard Christy also did that in the bathroom. Richard came in and told Howard that after he did that, the toilet wouldn't flush the stuff down so he had to take toilet paper and wipe it out. Sal said that they get all worked up on the weekends because Richard is ugly and he's married. Howard also heard that Richard had a hot chick come up to him at the comedy show and told him she liked him. Sal then went up to her and asked her if it was his yellow teeth that turned her on. Richard said he hung out with the chick and went to a club with her a little later. They were hanging out in a VIP room at the club and Sal showed up with a couple of black women. When he came in he told them to ''Check out his bitches.''
Howard said that Sal called Gary at 1:30 in the morning and left a message for him where the girls were telling Gary that they wanted to lick his teeth and suck his monkey ****. The call was bleeped like crazy because of all of the cursing going on. Sal was telling the guys how the black chicks were giggling when he was calling them his bitches. He said he can't do anything with these girls so he just goofs on them. He was telling everyone he ran into that they were his ''black bitches'' and eventually Richard's girl jumped up and told the girls not to let him do that to them anymore. The girls left right after that. Sal said the girls weren't all that hot anyway. He said they were actually pretty nasty and it was all a goof for him. Richard said that he got the phone number from the woman he was hanging out with.
Sal told Howard that Richard got really drunk on Friday night and told him that he wishes that he were gay because it would be so much easier than being straight. Howard said he thinks that Richard might be gay if that's the way he's thinking. Sal said that all came out of nowhere that night. They had been walking around for 10 minutes in silence so Sal knew there was something brewing in Richard's head.
Sal talked about how he beat off in the bathroom after Richard had done it himself. Sal also said that after he went in there he came out and patted Bob Levy on the back. He said he never washes his hands after doing that. Sal said Levy is mad at them anyway because they were drinking and talking during his set and they ruined it.
Artie told a story about going on a flight one time and how this guy borrowed his newspaper and brought it into the bathroom with him. He wanted to give it back to him but Artie told him to keep it. Sal said that he feels bad for Levy because he threw up in the airport. He thinks that he got some bad food that morning or something. Sal also said that they introduced Levy as Yucko the Clown. Bob had to yell out and say that he just writes for Yucko's show (Stankervision). Richard said that they also said that he won the ''World's Meanest Customer'' contest instead of the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest. Artie said that he would drive Bob to and from shows because Bob would drink so much. He told some more stories about Levy going out to Chicago to do a show and how Levy bought a shirt at a Target store because he didn't have a clean shirt. Then they went and did the show and Levy put the shirt on and didn't take the price tag off. He said he threw up laughing because Levy had 3 sold out shows and he was wearing a bad polyester shirt with the tag still on it that cost him about $5.60. Howard wondered if he ruined the shirt with blue cheese dressing on it. Artie said that it's kind of tough when you get up there and have to step over Yucko the Clown's sex toys and Bob's blue cheese dressing after they do their thing. Richard said that Sal got mad at him on Saturday night because he told him that he looks Middle Eastern and he told a waitress to get his friend Mohammad a drink. The waitress actually called him by that name.
Howard brought up how there are pictures out that show the London terrorists going out on a white water rafting trip and having a good time hanging out before they blew themselves up. He doesn't understand that. Gary came in and told Howard that he and Sal are supposed to be going to Amsterdam in a few weeks and Sal asked him if they were going to go to the red light district when their wives fall asleep. Sal told Gary not to mention that because there were millions of people listening. Howard told Sal that he really can't be thinking about something like that. Sal said when he goes on vacation with his wife they never really have sex. They had sex last night and about a week ago but those two times were kind of surprising. Sal said that his wife has to justify having sex with him as a way to burn calories these days. He said that she tells him that he doesn't talk to her anymore so he has to tell her that she really shouldn't hear what he has to say because if he does, he's going to express his feelings which aren't going to be what she wants to hear. Sal said he loves his wife, she's beautiful and she's a great mother. He said that he doesn't want to have small talk because he's going to have to talk to her for the rest of his life whether he wants to or not. He said he doesn't want to get a divorce but he's not sure if that'll happen or not.
Gary told a story about Sal going to a New Year's Eve story one time and he ended up pulling the plug on the TV a few seconds before the count down was over. His wife got mad at him and didn't talk to him for quite a while after that. Sal said that he hates going to those parties and talking to people about nonsense. He figured that was his chance to shine so he pulled the plug on the TV. Richard told another story about Sal bringing a bunch of porn DVDs when they went to their gig this weekend. Sal said that one of them actually rolled out of his bag and onto he floor at the airport. Richard was excited about going away as well because he brought his laptop to watch some porn with as well. Sal said he brings 10 or 11 porn DVDs with him when he goes away. He said it's good to know it's there if he needs it. He said he ended up pleasuring himself about 4 times when he was away, then once on the air plane. Then he came home and did it twice more.
A listener called in and told Sal that he agrees with him about this stuff. He's been married 25 years and he hasn't had much action in the pat 6 years or so. Howard said that a guy should be able to get out of a marriage when it gets that bad. The guy said he really does love this woman even if they don't have sex that often. The caller ended up asking Howard for some money but Howard told him to stop it and hung up on him.
Gary said that Howard and Beth still hold hands when they hang out and no married couple ever does that. Howard said there's no such thing as a happy marriage out there. He said that he loves Beth Ostrosky and he doesn't know what Beth Stern would be like and he doesn't want to find out. He said he's better off not being married. Artie said that he really loves his girlfriend Dana and she's a perfect person for him to have as a wife. Howard had to go to break after that.
Mark Wahlberg Comes In. 7/25/01. 8:25am
Actor Mark Wahlberg came in this morning to promote the new movie ''Planet of the Apes''. Howard had been promoting him as ''Marky Mark'' Wahlberg but his people put a stop to that. They asked Howard not to refer to him like that. Howard didn't know he was doing wrong though. Mark came in and Howard spent a few minutes talking to him about ''Planet of the Apes'' and how he didn't have to wear a loin cloth in the movie. Mark said he was glad that director Tim Burton didn't put him in one but he didn't demand not to be in one like Charlton Heston was in the original movie. Mark told Howard that he would also consider doing a sequel only if Tim Burton is involved.
Howard was talking about what a body this guy has and how every chick must want him. He also said he read about Mark making out with some Revlon model by the name of Rhea. Mark says he never met the woman but Howard said he saw pictures. Howard also brought up a story from when he last saw Mark out in Malibu, California. Howard was hanging out with Carmen Electra and a couple of her friends. When one of her friends saw Mark she told Howard she'd love to just ''do'' Mark one time just to feel him because he's got such a great body. Howard said he'd introduce the two of them but he never got around to it.
Howard tried to get some information out of Mark about the ''famous broads'' that he's banged but Mark was keeping quiet about that stuff. He did admit to ''dating'' a few famous chicks that Howard mentioned, like Reese Witherspoon and a couple of models, but he wasn't talking about his sexual experiences.
Howard asked him about what kinds of sex he might have had also. He asked about threesomes and stuff like that but Mark was still keeping quiet. Howard asked him if he's ever had a Blumpkin (oral sex while sitting on a toilet taking a dump) but Mark didn't know what it was so he's obviously never had that. He said he didn't think he'd ever want it either. Howard said he'd love to have that because he'd love to humiliate a woman.
Howard also questioned Mark about the rumor that Matt Damon was obsessed with him at one point in his life. Mark said he knew nothing about that. He said he knows Matt and as far as he knows, he was never obsessed with him.
Howard took a bunch of quick phone calls and wrapped up the interview with Mark. ''Planet of the Apes'' opens this Friday. Howard also mentioned that Mark will be on ''Late Show with David Letterman'' tonight.
Stern Show Pull Up Challenge. 07/25/07. 8:40am
After the break we heard a prank call that Billy Mira did as David Lee Roth to a chicken restaurant. Howard came back and said that they made a mistake on Channel 9 news last night. He played a clip where they called NBA commissioner David Stern ''Howard Stern.'' He quickly went over that and then took a phone call. The guy didn't have much to say so Howard hung up on him and took another call. The next guy said that he's a blind guy who said he liked that they found something to do with the girls in there. Howard thought they were great guests but he has been limiting the number of naked chicks they have in there. He said that it is a radio show and they can't do that too much. Howard said that Charlie was shaking on the Sybian and they were all into it a lot.
Howard said some of the guys were showing off for the girls and doing pull ups on the pull up bar. Howard said he thinks he could do at least 6. Fred said he could probably do that many as well. Howard told Artie that the bar says that a 300 pound guy can't use it so that means Artie can't get on it. Howard warned him not to do it but he wanted to just hang on it.
Artie got on the bar and tried pulling his weight up. He wasn't able to do even one. Howard wondered who could get on it. Fred said he'd like to see High Pitch Mike. Mike Gange got on instead and was able to do just one. Jason came in after that and said he knows he can't even do one. He gave it a try and wasn't able to do one. Howard asked him if that upsets him. Jason didn't seem upset at all.
Howard asked Benjy to give it a try. He went over and got on and tried to pull himself up. Will pulled his pants down as he was trying to pull up. Benjy wasn't able to do even one. He told him to get away from the bar. Howard wanted to see what Ronnie could do since he's supposed to be a security guy. He also suggested that JD do some but Robin said that he already tried to do some. Gary suggested that they get Tim Sabean in there too.
Gary came in and did one pull up. JD then did one and tried a second but couldn't pull it off. Howard said he could do a few so he went over to the bar and did his pull ups as everyone counted. He got up to 10 and started to crack. He pulled up and did 12. Fred was up next and did 9 but Gary said that he didn't do a full 9, he did half pull ups. Fred went back and did a few more to show he could do them.
Gary said that Howard did them the right way because he went all the way down and pulled all the way up. The guys told Gary to kiss his ass a little more. Robin asked to see Jon Hein do some. Howard said that Robin had the look of love after seeing him do that.
The guys were throwing out names like Scott DePace and others who they wanted to see pull up. DePace was backing out because he was going to play golf today and didn't want to screw up his arms. Jon Hein came in and attempted to do some. Jon managed three. Scott DePace said he'd do it and hopped on the bar. He did three and gave up.
The blind caller told Howard that he was ''watching'' this show about child molesters and they had one guy whose name was Paul Shaffer and he thought it was funny every time they said that name. Howard figured you had to see it to get why it was so funny. He let the caller go and took some more calls.
A caller said that he's a cop and he was listening in his car and had a boner in the car. He said they have no idea what it's like to be a cop with a boner. Howard asked him if he can beat off in a cop car. The guy said he can't do that during the day.
Ralph called in and said that he can't believe those guys can't do more than one pull up there. He said that Jason should be able to do some. Howard let Ralph go because Artie had a story to tell.
In the clip Howard was talking sticking your finger in your belly button and how it will smell like a woman. Howard said he remembers when he was a kid that he got to smell a kid's finger after the guy was with a girl. Howard said they smelled it and they were like ''Whoa!''
Howard said he has a habit of sticking his finger in his belly button and squishes it around in there. Howard said he's doing it now. Howard showed Robin how he had it buried in there. Howard had Jackie come over and smell it. Robin said he has to smell like feet, not like a woman. Jackie went over and smelled it. Then Fred did it. They both said it smells like something. Robin said she's not going to smell it. She said if he has a smell then he didn't clean very well. Howard said you have to squish it around in there and smell it. Howard asked Robin to do it again. Robin said no way.
Howard said he loves the smell of it. Fred said it is smelly and he knows Howard isn't a smelly guy. Robin eventually went over to smell it. She asked why he has something wet in there. Howard said he must have sweat or something. Robin said her's is completely dry. She's not sure what's going on in Howard's.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 8:55am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 12:05pm.