|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how he just doesn't know anything. He said he thought he used to know everything. He said he really doesn't know a fucking thing. Howard said he started to freak out after his 59th birthday the other day. He said he got sick for a while and he's not sure if he had a cold or what. Robin said that it's the additional things that are the flu. Howard said he didn't have vomiting or diarrhea.
Howard said he's been really low energy after getting sick. He said he just had a physical and he ended up getting a flu shot. He said he went to the doctor on Wednesday to get checked out again and they gave him an EKG and a blood test.
Howard said he never shits in a public bathroom but he was on his way to his doctor and he had to make doody. He said he had a bathroom there and he was there early. Howard said it was a one person bathroom and he thought it would be really bad if he went in there. Howard said all of us make doody but it's terrible. Robin said some people think it's okay to let you walk into that stench.
Howard said he had to go so he got to the doctor about a half hour early. He said there was one guy in the bathroom and the guy saw him and laughed. Howard said that's what people do when they meet him. He said he has no idea why that is. He said they must be laughing in his face. He said the guy made a real chuckle when he did that. Howard said he thought in his head that this guy was going to stick around. He said the guy should have been out of there in 10 seconds but he stopped to talk. Fred played a Mike Walker ''Yeah, whoa... ho, ho'' clip and Howard said it was like that but it was a black guy. Howard said he wishes that white people would wash their hands like this black man.
Howard said that guy left the bathroom and he said to himself that the guy was way too excited and he'd tell everyone that he was in there. Howard said he figured he had about 2 minutes to go. He said he lined the toilet seat with paper and got out his baby wipes. He said he has a bag that he carries all of this stuff around in. He said he feels like big mama carrying around this purse.
Howard said he started going and he was pushing it out. He said he made a tiny doody like a pellet. He said it was like a gerbil. Fred played some music and some farting sounds as Howard was talking about that. Howard said Beth was with him and he figured he had to get this done so he could spend time with her after the appointment.
Howard said he heard voices outside the bathroom so he figured the black guy told them that he was in there. Howard said he heard muffled voices saying ''Howard Stern'' and other things. He said he had to hurry and finish. Howard said he took his baby wipes and started wiping. He said he wanted to make sure he was clean for the doctor just in case. Howard said he was cleaning up real fast and washed his hands.
Howard said he walked out and there was a crowd of people outside the bathroom. He said he had a woman with her husband with a camera pointed at the bathroom door. Howard said she says ''You kept me waiting so long!'' Howard said he was grumpy from going to the bathroom and getting his ass wet from the toilet seat. He said the seat may have been wet. He said he had to get up and wipe the outside of his ass with a baby wipe. Howard said he can't see so good and his hearing is going too. Howard said he has lost some range with his hearing and it's all going to hell in a hand basket.
Howard said this woman asked to take a picture and she didn't ask him. She asked her husband. Howard said he walked and realized he went the wrong way. He said he turned around and walked in. He said he had to ask where Dr. Baker was. He said this woman told him it was the other way. It was the woman who wanted his picture that told him. He said it was like he was Dorothy in the land of Oz and he was picking up people on his way. He said he wanted to thank the black guy for announcing where he was.
Howard said he went to the doctor and they had him go straight to a private room usually. He said this time he was in the waiting room. Howard said the receptionist had him come back and go to the private room. He said he had to sit there for 30 minutes but he was okay with that. He said he just wanted to get examined. He was up in the air about the flu shot. Howard said he has no energy but his blood test came back normal. He said he has something going on but he doesn't know what it is. He said he ended up getting the flu shot and then waited for the symptoms.
Howard said Beth went out and got a flu shot somewhere else. He said she got a knot on her arm from the shot. He said people were saying that's what happens when they do it the wrong way. Howard said he had no problems at all. He said he might be one of those guys who gets one every year from now on.
Howard said one of the women on The Talk asked if it was the candle she sent to Sharon and Sharon revealed that it was Howard Stern who sent it to her. Howard said it was a really expensive one from Ralph Lauren. Howard wadi that he's paranoid about leaving candles burning now. Robin said that there are some fake candles that are battery powered that look real. Howard said that sounds good to him. Howard said he's not sure who sits with candles like that. Robin said they're very atmospheric. Howard said he's a big fan of electricity. He said it lights up the whole room too.
Gary said he got that candle too and he said he loves it. He said you do have to blow it out at some point though. Howard said Sharon said that everything was fine and they're okay. Robin said they're used to those kind of disasters. She said they're constantly battling that kind of stuff.
Howard said Sharon came back stage one day on America's Got Talent and he thinks that she wanted him to bang her. He said that's what he thinks with every woman. Howard said she gave no indication that she did so it was all in his head. Howard said he's in love with Beth so he can't bang Sharon. Howard said if he was single he would bang her. He said it's like checking the motor oil and you just dip your dick in there.
Howard said he thinks that they're burning out the format of the show. Robin said she only likes the audition shows. She said once they start doing the songs that the people sing, that they can't sing, she's gone. She said that Keith Urban has an annoying lisp that's kind of like Ralph. She said she's listening for that and it's making her crazy.
Howard said that about 5 people sent them a link to this site where this guy writes songs about his dick. He said that's all he writes about. Howard played a couple of examples of what he sings. Every song parody was about his dick. Howard said it makes no sense. He said he thinks the guy is serious too. Howard played a few more examples and said he thought it was someone who sent in parodies to the show but it turns out it's just some guy who sings about his dick. He played even more parodies about the guy's dick. He sings every song about his dick. Howard said he went through a lot of effort to do this.
Howard took a call from Debbie the Pet Lady who said that Howard has been lying to her. Howard said he thought she quit the show. She said she needs 5 minutes to talk. Howard said she gets boring so he can't do that. Howard said he loves her on the show but she said she was going to quit. Debbie said that those people in the back office screwed her. She said that it was Doug Goodstein and Jason who don't like her. She said she found the truth out finally.
Howard asked Doug what happened. Doug came in and said that nothing happened. Debbie started screaming at him. Howard asked Doug to tell the truth. Doug said whatever she says is the truth. Doug said ''it happened'' and even Debbie didn't know what he was talking about. Debbie asked what he was talking about. Doug told her to tell him.
Howard said he has good news. He said everyone wrote in about her calling in with Kevin Bacon and they loved her. She said that's the only time they liked her. Howard read some email from the fans about her call. She was talking over him. Robin told her to be quiet to hear it. Howard read one email from someone who liked her call. She said that's the only one. Howard said people on twitter loved it too. Howard said that Jillian Barberie liked it. Howard said he wants to unfollow her on Twitter. He said she used to put pictures of herself on there and she stopped. Howard said he got excited when he saw that she posted pictures the other day but they were of her kids. Howard said that he doesn't want to see that. Howard said he stuck with her after she posted about the Debbie the Pet Lady thing.
Debbie said that she wants to be calm and talk to Howard. JD came in and said that Jillian takes a lot of pictures of her kids. He said she has a girl and a boy. Howard said he was hoping to see her titties. JD said that Steve Edwards got some award and she wasn't invited to the gala. She's not happy about that. Howard asked what happened to her and why she got kicked off the show. JD said he doesn't know. He said he still thinks she's hot. Howard said he likes her.
Debbie said she forgot what she was going to say. Howard said she's all calm now. Howard told her to write it down and call back tomorrow. She yelled at him to wait but he hung up on her.
Howard read more of the email after playing another song with Hanzi clips in it. Howard said everyone is excited about the whole Hanzi conspiracy theory show. He played another song parody and laughed. He said he likes all of those songs.
Howard said today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and they're working. Robin said it's inauguration day too. Howard said he's wondering if we'll ever see a black Vice President. Robin said no way to that. Howard said that's the next test. He said that he doesn't think a white person would ever pick a black person to run with them. Howard said that the family of the Martin Luther King family takes down any video of his ''I Have a Dream'' speech. Howard said they want it down so they can license it out. Howard said that they're like Daniel Carver because he wants it taken down too. He said the King family must not have a lot of money so they want to make what they can off of that speech. Howard said that's all they have. He said what's happening is that people forget it because they can't see it.
Howard said that they have some of the talent listed for the inauguration and it had a bunch of hip hop artists listed with Wayne Brady and people like that. Howard said it's like the who's who of the people Kim Kardashian hasn't fucked yet. Howard said it's like the Source awards.
Howard said he should say that the world knows King as a peace crusader. Howard said in 1963 he was 34 years old speaking about his dream. Howard said he was a kid at the time and he was thinking about what he was going to do with his life. Howard said he wishes that King was alive to see Obama in office. Robin said he would be 84 now and he'd probably be like ''Wha?''
Howard said the official portrait of Obama is kind of startling. He said 4 years ago he had black hair but now he's grey and looking old. He said you see what the presidency does to people. He said he's grayer than Angela Lansbury's bush. Howard said that would make a funny picture to put her bush on top of his head.
Howard played an edited clip of Oprah interviewing Jackie the Joke Man. They took clips of Jackie doing an interview with someone else and edited them to Oprah's interview.
Howard said Debbie the Pet Lady is back on. Howard asked if she should pick up or not. Robin said maybe she remembered the question. Howard asked her what her question was. She was screaming at him saying she's done with his dumb ass. Howard hung up on her again. Robin said she's probably still yelling.
Howard got back to Oprah and spent another minute talking about Lance Armstrong. Howard said that last week was tough. He said we found out that Jodie Foster is gay and Lance Armstrong was doping. He asked if we're going to find out that Gary has big lips and teeth next. He said that none of that stuff was a surprise.
Howard said Oprah is a terrible dresser. He said he figured they dressed her but she isn't dressed well. Robin said her make up wasn't very good either. She said you could see bags under her eyes. Howard said she might be on Ass Enhancing drugs. He said she might want to get on a bicycle herself.
Howard said they have to do something exciting at the end of her interviews. Howard said she might want to announce if the person is forgiven or not. Howard said he felt bad for the fans of cycling. He said both of them are destroyed.
Howard said it sounds like he has the same imaginary girlfriend that Medicated Pete does. Robin said that they have a few people in the NFL who don't seem to be too stable. Howard said this would be like JD getting duped with a fake girl. Howard said that wouldn't surprise them. Robin said that he did score a real girlfriend after the other girl died.
Howard said JD had a girlfriend but the air blew out of her. Howard said JD pricked her with a pen and she blew up.
Howard said that's the most annoying online dating relationship since Benjy met his girlfriend. Robin had more details of the Te'o story and how they tricked him into thinking that it was a real woman. Howard and Fred did impressions of what that girl might have sounded like. They were doing their Herman Munster voices.
Howard said Te'o is another one of those guys who has an apostrophe in his name that's just annoying. Howard said that last name doesn't need an apostrophe. Howard said Gary has a lot more letters in his names.
Howard said he's angry with JJ Abrams with that show ''Fringe.'' Howard said he loves anything he directs but he has to stop it with shows that don't have an ending. Howard said they just got things back to normal and it was hours of chasing things for a special machine. Howard said he had to watch the whole show though. He said he watched every season. Robin asked if she should start watching the show. Howard said he doesn't know. Howard said they said all the questions would be answered but they didn't answer them. Howard said it did give him something to do. He said he loves JJ Abrams movies and TV shows. He said Ralph thought it was the best TV he had ever seen so don't go by what he says.
Howard said he started watching Fringe when they got Eric the Actor in the show. Howard said he's going to play one of Lance Armstrong's balls in the movie about him.
Robin said that the girl who Brent Musburger was going crazy over is going to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. Robin said he got that woman a job.
Howard asked if Gary got his retarded flu shot. Gary said he did get it. Howard said one year he had the flu calling him. He told the guys to dig up that call. Howard said they have to get Gary down there. Howard said he wants him on the show even though Robin doesn't want him down there. Robin said she never said that. Gary said he knows better than that.
Howard told Gary he'll work on it and try to get him down there. He wished him a Happy Birthday. Gary laughed and mumbled something. Gary told them to keep their fingers crossed. Robin said she thought he said something about putting her in front of a firing squad. Howard let Gary go a short time later. Gary said he hopes to see them on his birthday. Howard said they have to figure out an agenda for him and goofing on him is funny but he's not sure that's right. Robin said they can do a Dancing with the Retards show. Howard said that's so mean. He asked the guys if they can get that going.
Howard asked if they got the retarded flu call. Fred said he had it. Gary told Howard where it was and kind of yelled at him about it. Howard said he doesn't have to yell.
Howard said Ronnie is going to come in and demonstrate how he washes his ass. He said Howard TV has a sink set up in there. Robin asked where the faucet is. Howard said that they don't have one in there. He said they couldn't have forgotten to put one in there. Scott DePace said they don't have water. Howard said they need to see how he does this so they need a faucet. Howard asked how they do that. Howard said this is an impressive group there. Scott said he didn't think they needed the faucet. Howard said they should set up a fake girlfriend for Scott because he seems to be pretty gullible. Howard asked how he's going to demonstrate washing his ass without a faucet. He said it's baffling.
Howard played a clip of a news reporter talking about the inauguration and she says ''Innigger... inauguration...'' Howard said that she let that slip right in there. Robin said she heard Spike Lee talking about how much Quentin Tarantino used the N-word in his movie. Howard said back in those days no one gave it a second thought. Howard played the ''Shoo, Shoo, Retarded Flu'' call to Gary the Retard as they were going to break.
Howard came back and said he has a lo to get to and he has to work out his thing with Hanzi. Howard had him on the phone. Howard said they're going to give him a radio show so he can talk about his conspiracy theories. Howard said if this is a one shot deal it's not a conspiracy. Hanzi said he doesn't know about that. Hanzi said there's always a conspiracy going on. Howard said Hanzi thinks that he's part of the Illuminati and he's not even sure what that is.
Hanzi said that conspiracy theorist follow his show. He said that the Illuminati is a secret society where they're guaranteed money and success. Howard asked why he was chosen. Hanzi told him to look at his career. Robin said they want to know why he was chosen. Hanzi said the conspiracy is about his dad and how they say that he bought one of the biggest radio stations. Howard said his dad had no money. Hanzi said he didn't make this up, he said he's read it online. Howard said that his dad bought him a car so he could get a job. Howard said he's not sure why the Illuminati would want a loser like him in the group. Hanzi said he's downplaying all of this too much.
Howard said he has a bunch of theme songs for Hanzi to choose from. He played some of the parodies that they put together with clips of Hanzi in them. Howard played one which was a Beatles song. Hanzi said he likes the Loony Tunes one. Howard said he can go with that. Howard played the song he was talking about. Hanzi said he'd like that one. Howard said he liked another one. He played one that was to the tune of a Who song but he said he likes the Loony Tunes song better.
Hanzi said that he knows that Howard was in the Illuminati because they have to dress in drag. Robin said she knows a lot of people who aren't in the Illuminati who dress in drag. Howard said he doesn't want to censor Hanzi too much so he can't expose him so much with the Illuminati discussions. Hanzi said that he's protected now so he can talk about it. Howard said he can't talk about it. He said people will figure out it's fake if they keep talking about it. He said that Justin Bieber just got into the Illuminati. Howard said they're thinking of putting Hanzi in the group too.
Howard said that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are in the group now. Howard said someone suggested that they put Hanzi in. Howard said they're afraid that he'll tell everyone though. Hanzi said they'd have him killed if he did that.
Hanzi said that Howard and Eminem are both in the group and they're very similar. Hanzi said that Vince McMahon is similar. Howard said he has to stop outing these people. Hanzi said he just knows. Howard said Steve Perry from Journey isn't in the Illuminati. Hanzi asked him to explain Dave Chappelle. Howard said he's in the group. He said they took him in because he has outrageous weed. Hanzi said Howard was one of the people who kicked Chappelle out. Howard said Rosie O'Donnell wanted to keep him in but they kicked him out. Howard said that if he keeps talking about this stuff then he's fucked. Hanzi said before Howard is done with his career he's going to make up with Jay Leno. Howard said he and Jay just looked at each other and said they'd make up this hatred. Hanzi said Howard is making it sound like a joke but it's not. Howard said of course it's not.
Howard played more of the Hanzi song parodies that they created. Howard said Dan the Song Parody Man made some of them. He said Dan is in the Illuminati. Howard said Dan cut off his long hair and he has the Moe from the Three Stooges look going on now.
Howard said his dad bought him into the Illuminati. Howard said that he'll always be thankful for that. Howard said his dad paid to get him in. He said it was a fortune. He said they had to fool everyone by living in Roosevelt and pretending that they had no money.
Hanzi asked if it's true that they all fuck each other's wives. Howard said that's all true. He said Hanzi is right about all of this. Howard said he has his father on the phone to tell him about all of this. Howard picked up and it was the guys in the back playing clips of Ben Stern saying he couldn't hear Howard. Howard had Hanzi talk to him too. Hanzi said this was confusing the fuck out of him. Hanzi said it had to be fake. Howard said that it's his dad. Hanzi said it's not real. Howard said that was his dad but he had to let him go. Howard let Hanzi go after welcoming him not the Illuminati. Howard said that calmed him right the fuck down. He played some more of his song parodies with Hanzi clips in them. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said he thinks that JJ Abrams did an homage to them. He said they had satellite radio in the final Fringe show.
Howard said he read an article over the weekend about a guy who stole his father's body from a cemetery hoping to bring his father back to life. Howard said he knows Bobo is going to do that to him some day. He said he will dig him up and try to bring him back.
Howard said that chick Brent Musburger mentioned in the stands is going to be in Sports Illustrated like Robin said. Howard said it turns out that she also doesn't think that evolution should be taught in schools. Howard said that would be a huge turn off to him. He said he could never marry someone like that. He said he would fuck her but never marry her. Howard said he'd probably fuck her 4 more times and then break up with her. Robin said she has seen Howard talking to strippers about the stupidest things and his face never changed. Howard said you have to be tolerant of everyone's opinion.
Howard said today would have been Blue Iris' 66th birthday. He played some audio from one of her Grandma Porn clips and said that's how they met her. Howard said she was always a good sport about doing things for the show. He played one of the song parodies she sang about loving cock and balls. Howard said she would have been 66 today.
Howard said JD made a prank call the other day. He played the prank call where they called Riley Martin and had JD propositioning him. JD asked Riley to come down to the block party in Atlantic City asking if Riley wanted to spend the night with him. Riley asked what he was saying. JD wasn't really coming out and just asking him to stay with him. JD said he wants Riley in a physical way. Riley said whoever told him this was his prerogative is a stupid fuck. He asked if he's seen his wife. Riley told him to get the fuck off the phone and don't call him ''no more'' with this stupid shit.
Howard said that's great. Robin said that's the best. Howard said they have a new bit they're going to do called JD's Clip of the Week. Howard said that JD watches a lot of TV and he pulls a lot of good stuff they never get to. Howard said they're thinking about calling it DaBadAss since that was his name on the internet. Howard said they have 5 samples for a theme song. Howard said maybe they'll let the audience vote on them.
Howard played a clip which was the 20th Century Fox theme music with JD clips in it. Howard said he had another one. That was a cartoon theme for Woody the Woodpecker with JD clips in it. Robin liked that one too. Howard said he has another one and that was the Hawaii Five-0 theme with JD clips in it. The next one was the Chicken Dance song with JD clips in it. Howard said he thinks that's all he's going to use. Robin picked the Hawaii Five-0 theme song with the JD clips in it. Howard played that one again and said that's his new theme song.
Howard asked JD what his clip of the week was. JD said something and mumbled a little bit so Howard laughed at him and JD got upset. Howard said JD could have done that Riley Martin clip better. JD said he had Sal and Richard yelling in his ear the whole time.
JD said he has a clip from the internet where this college golf coach yells at the team on the van ride home. Howard played the clip and the coach was talking about how bad they did at the tournament. He said that the other four on the team didn't do shit and they were terrible. Howard said he can't believe anyone would be that walked out about golf. The coach was yelling and talking about how embarrassed he was. Howard said even Tiger Woods fucks up. He said he's not sure what this guy expects from his players. The coach was screaming about how they lost every game. He said 3 years ago they won the tournament.
Howard said he heard that Tiger Woods is trying to get back with his ex-wife and offered her a $200 million pre-nup. He said she can just get back with him and walk away in a year for another 200 million. Howard played more of the coach yelling and said he's bored with the clip of the week. Howard said he wasn't impressed with that clip. Howard said he might not have a show next week thanks to that clip. Howard told him he did a good job and then said it was a horrible clip.
Howard said that he has a song parody about Bobo. He played that and it was about not picking up on him. Howard said he doesn't hate Bobo so he's going to keep picking up on him. Howard played another parody that Little Mikey sent in about Robin. Mikey sang about her boobs to the tune of ''You're So Vain.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Fred used to start the show with a bunch of clips and they lasted 5-10 minutes. He said he's okay with that being cut down but he keeps playing one clip that's not funny. He said it's a prayer clip from Tradio. Howard said he didn't know what he was talking about. Fred said Howard wanted him to play it at the beginning of the show. Howard asked to hear it. Fred played it for Howard. Howard said it might be time to shit can that. Fred said the caller got his way then. Fred said it was a request by the boss so he wasn't trying to slip it in there.
Howard said way back in 1996, which was how many years ago... Robin had to do the math and she came up with 17 years. Howard said he's not sure she did the math right. Fred said he thinks that 17 is correct. Howard did the math himself and came up with 16. Howard said they're not exactly sure. He said they'll figure it out later. He said he hates math because it just drains him. Howard did the math again and came up with 17 years.
Howard said 17 years ago they had a reporter doing a report about the top 5 books. He said it was interesting to hear. They had books on the list by a bunch of people and Howard was number 1 with ''Miss America.'' The reporter sighed when she had to read Howard's name at number 1. Howard said he wants to know how her career is going 17 years later. Howard said she's supposed to just read the news and not make commentary.
Howard had Ronnie come in so they could do the sink thing. Howard said he had a jingle for this but he just erased it. Fred played it for him instead.
Howard said that Ronnie recently talked about how he washes his ass in his sink. Howard said that everyone was disgusted by the discussion. He said even the Wack Pack were disgusted. He played a Wack Pack Feedback bit Sal and Richard did with some of the Wack Pack. Jeff the Drunk, Debbie the Pet Lady, Wendy the Retard and Riley Martin all commented on it and said that it was disgusting.
Howard played another clip where Sal and Richard went out on the street and asked some people about the ass washing. Those people were talking about how disgusting it was to use the sink for that. Some people thought he should be fired. One woman said that they should call the police on him.
Howard had Ronnie come in. Ronnie said he wanted to get a few things straight. He said that if you shower and wash the shit in the tub then you have shit on your feet. He said it's not that disgusting. He also said it's not something he does every day.
Ronnie said he wipes his ass real good before doing this. He showed Howard how he gets up on the sink and washes his ass in there. He said he already wiped his ass so he's just washing the remnants out. Howard asked what he does with his hand. Ronnie said he washes his hands and ass with soap and water. Ronnie said the sink is running and he sits up on the sink basin. He said he washes his ass in there. He said you get off the sink and then dry your ass with a towel.
Robin asked if he hops up on a sink when he goes to buy a new one. Ronnie said he doesn't do that. Ronnie said he washes his hands too. He said that people take baths and that's more disgusting than this. Howard said he loves it. He said it never would have occurred to him to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to him about something unrelated. Howard asked Ronnie if he ever talked to his son about doing this. Ronnie said that's up to his son. He said he never had anyone teach him how to do it. He said he taught himself and he's brilliant.
Howard got back to the caller who brought up Gabourey Sidibe who Howard talked about years ago. He said that they looked at Howard like he was horrible. Howard said he was just telling Hollywood to stop lying to her about how she's going to get more work. The caller said he hasn't seen her in anything. Robin said she has had some little parts where she's the fat girl. Howard said that Hollywood doesn't hire obese people for major roles.
Howard said he's watching Friday Night Lights and he's addicted to it. Howard said this girl who was banging Derek Jeter, in real life, is beautiful. He said her name is Minka Kelly. Howard said she's on that show.
Romney said he will be watching the inauguration tonight and he will have his friend Mel Gibson over. Romney said he should have won because he's white. He said it shouldn't have been that hard. Robin asked if he really thought it was a lock. Romney said ''Well, yeah, c'mon!''
Romney goofed on Joe Biden's Chicklet teeth too. He said that they're whiter than Sal Governale's. Howard asked where he's been lately. Romney said that he's been drunk since November. He said he untied the dog from the roof of the car the other day and it licked his arm and got drunk.
Howard said he thinks that he's better off not winning. He said he knows it's a tough day today but there's no reason to make it a racial thing. Romney said that people like Chris Rock probably helped Obama win so if he had won he would have started a plantation and locked him up there.
Howard said Governor Romney is way over the top today. He said he should go home and think about all of this stuff. Robin said that they will remember him. Romney said that he will remember them too because they were very good to him during the election.
Howard asked Romney to break character and asked if he has any other impressions. Howard said this is actually Mike and he is worried for him because he doesn't have any other impressions. Howard said this is Mike MacRae and he does the best Mitt Romney. Mike did an impression of Obama that was pretty good too. Howard said it wasn't bad but the Romney thing was dead on. Howard asked what they're going to do. Howard asked if Mike can do Mel Gibson. Mike did some of that impression and Howard seemed to like that. He said that wasn't bad. Howard said we need to get Romney in the news. He said as soon as he's in the news then he's calling him back.
Howard asked Mike if he does Alec Baldwin. Mike said he does Harrison Ford in his act. He said he does Ozzy Osbourne too. He did a little bit of that for Howard and Howard liked that too. Howard said he can get the real Ozzy to call in though.
Howard said Mike is a great comedian. He said he's a great Romney impersonator. Howard thanked him for the call. Mike thanked him too. Howard said he'll see him in 2016. Mike got back into his Romney impression and asked what happened there because he blacked out for minute. Howard said he doesn't know, they were just talking to a comedian for a minute. Howard let him go and said he feels bad for the guy. He said he had such a great impression.
Howard said one of the guys from the show Glee was sued after he dated some woman and refused to wear a condom. Howard said he's surprised the guy fucked a woman and he's on Glee. Howard said no one made a big deal about that.
Howard said that Justin Bieber's mom produced an anti-abortion film and he can see why. He said that she had a gold mine. Howard said that not everyone has a Justin Bieber though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Jimmy Kimmel did a Clip and Segment Of The Week on his show and asked where he got that from. Howard said Jimmy doesn't rip him off. He said Jimmy is such a good friend and it drives him nuts when the fans do this. The caller said he wasn't trying to stir it up. Howard said they don't do clip of the week there anyway. Robin said if you look at it you could say they were ripping Jimmy off. The caller said he's actually talking about how Jimmy doesn't work on Friday and he's playing the best clips of the week like Howard does with his radio show.
Howard said Jimmy is already number one in that time slot. He said he has so few friends and he hates when the fans stir that shit up. He said that Jimmy gets upset and emails him when the fans do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he killed him when he talked about gun control. Howard asked why. The caller and Howard spent a minute talking about assault rifles and what they can do. Howard said that he thinks that taking some of them away from some people and putting some stringent controls in place is the right thing to do. Howard said he's all for trying to help the mentally ill and putting money toward that. Howard said they should make marijuana legal and take the tax money from that and put it toward helping the mentally ill.
Robin said she read about a woman who was stabbed at a Bed Bath and Beyond and they had seen the guy outside the store talking and yelling to himself. they also found out that he took a cat into the woods and burned it to death. Robin said there are people out there who aren't getting help.
The caller told Howard that he actually called in to talk about Robin's ass. He figured the gun control thing was the best way to get through. Howard said that no one wants to hear about gun control anyway.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he won a free iPad and he wondered if he should get the iPad Mini or the iPad 4. Howard said he loves his Mini. He said he takes it everywhere and he is in love with it more than even people. He said it's entertaining him and he watches his TV on it. He said he's watching Friday Night Lights on it now. He said he loves it and it's so comforting to him. Howard said he was going to put some movies on it but he can't part with it to give his guy Matt time to put them on. Howard said he went to the nail salon yesterday and he was on the Mini doing work. He said he was on Moldred writing about Fred's script. He said he loves that iPad Mini. Robin asked if it has a keypad. Howard said it has the same one as the regular iPad. He said you can reach it better on the iPad Mini though.
The caller asked if Howard is watching this Shock Jock trial in Tampa. Howard said he's talking about Bubba. Howard said he's not sure what he's on trial for but Bubba wanted him to come down and testify. Howard said he doesn't know anything about it.
The caller told Howard that Bubba worked with this guy MJ and Bubba has trashed him and his wife over the years. He said he basically called his wife a whore. MJ got this feelings hurt and now there's this big lawsuit. Howard said it sounds like Bubba will win the case. The caller said they're playing all of these clips and parody songs in court so it's very entertaining. He said Bubba is in a suit and it looks like he's very uncomfortable too.
Howard said he has no idea what the suit is about. The caller said you can see more about the whole thing at BTLS.com. The caller told Howard to knock it out of the park the next few years. Howard said he hears that. Howard was going to let the caller go but he had more about the Bubba case. He said he thinks that the jury might feel that he was bullying the guy and they might find in favor of this MJ guy.
Howard let the caller go and said that it sounds like it's a freedom of speech issue to him. Robin said she's not sure if calling the guy's wife a whore is a free speech issue. Howard said he doesn't know. Howard said he hopes everything turns out okay for Bubba.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw that Jimmy is going to do a wrap up show starting next week. Howard said he knows that caller and he's just joking.
Howard said he read that Jay-Z gave his daughter a diamond encrusted Barbie for her first birthday. Howard said they say they don't want to spoil her so the Porsche they got her doesn't have leather seats.
Howard said David Blaine was dancing with girls at a night club while his fiancee was at home with their baby. Howard said that guy had it down and he was like Mr. Bachelor. He said he must have wanted a kid. He said they haven't really seen him in a long time. Robin said his girlfriends would always show up at his stunts.
Howard said they have a thing for Tim Sabean. He said it's called and iPotty and it's for your iPad. Howard said that Tim shit all over the place so he might need this.
Howard said only 50 of these pens are in existence. Robin said it's made by a company called Bisconte. Howard said he would give pens as a gift and it's really a great gift. Howard said he still likes to write. Robin said it really is a nice to have a good pen. She said she's glad Howard likes that gift. She said that made her day.
Howard said Gary got him a gift and so did his bosses at NBC. Howard said a few people over there went in on a gift. He said they sent it there to Sirius and that's a bad idea. Howard said they sent it to Jim McClure and he thought Jim got it for him. Howard said there was no card in there. He said they got him camera equipment. He said they got him a huge telephoto lens like the Paparazzi use. He said he feels like Columbus discovering things with it. Howard said he called his photography teacher about what they got him. He said he was impressed and said it was a big deal.
Howard said he's going to use it to shoot wildlife and stuff. He said he can see Robin from there with the lens. Howard said they had a shot of a huge lens up on the screen in the studio. Robin said she helped pick out that gift. She said they emailed asking what they should get and she told them that his hobby was photography and she gave them some names for people they could talk to. Howard said now he has to show up to America's Got Talent.
Howard said he got the AGT schedule and he almost passed out. He said he has only one vacation this year where he's not going to be working. He said they swear to him that he's only working 30 days but it's so not. He said they're thinking about moving the show to 9 o'clock and he's bummed about that too. He said that they don't have any other judges yet and they're supposed to start shooting in March. He said they're not worried about it yet though. He said they won't give him any of the names. Howard said he heard some names but he's keeping them quiet. Howard said Riley Martin and Elephant Boy are leading contenders.
Howard said Abe Kanan does a show there on Howard 101. Howard said Abe was talking about Conrad Bain dying and he was promoting it and talked about how weird Diff'rent Strokes was. Howard said he's right about that. He said this old white guy had black kids that he adopted. Robin said the maid died and he took her children in. Howard said ''Yeah, because that happens all the time.''
Howard said someone noticed that Gange likes to pass on work to other people at Howard TV. Howard said they gave him something and he passed it right on to Lee from Howard TV.
Gary said that some people noticed who sat at the big table there. Howard said he didn't care who sat there. He said he didn't think it was weird that Lisa G was at the table. He said you just sit down and do it.
Howard asked Gary how this computer thing is going to work where they have an ID ring where you don't need a password. He said you'll wear a decoder ring instead. Howard said he doesn't know how that's going to work. Gary said they should just do a fingerprint thing instead. Robin said you could cut the finger off though. Gary said they could have it temperature sensitive. Robin said she thought about an eye thing and how people would be stealing people's eyes to break into things.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's ever had a freebie. Howard asked what that is. The caller said it's when you take a shit and there's nothing there to wipe. Howard said the guy just made up the ''freebie'' term so he had no idea what it was. Howard said it was a ridiculous premise. The caller asked what got up his ass. Howard responded with a ''fuck you!'' the caller shot back with another ''Fuck you.'' The caller went back and forth with Howard with fuck yous for a minute. Howard said that he's hardly ever had a movement like that. The caller said that Robin's shit must be like a carvel cake coming out of her ass.
Howard said the next time he takes a shit and gets a ''freebie'' then he'll think about that caller, Boris. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he was high every time he heard that Blind Faith song. He said he and Dr. Lou would play the song on their guitars in their dorm room. Howard said no girls ever showed up in there dorm room though. He said they did this song and Sweet Melissa by the Allman brothers. Howard said he's shocked that the ladies didn't flock into their room.
Howard said Obama's kids seem to be growing up very lovely. He said they are very well behaved kids too. Howard said he should know their names. Robin said it's Sasha and Malia. Howard said he wishes that he had secret service around him when he was in school.
Howard said he was watching a movie the other day and the president was Michael Keaton and the daughter couldn't handle the pressure of the secret service being around her. Howard said maybe he could have gotten laid if he had the secret service around him. He said that the movie he was watching was awful. He said he watches every piece of shit that he can get his hands on. He said it's fascinating how many piece of shit movies are made. Howard said people don't know how great they've got it until it's gone. He said that Joanie Mitchell said it best.
Howard replayed the prank call JD made to Riley Martin trying to proposition him.
Howard said he has to talk about what a genius the late George Carlin was. Howard said this is a clip from 2008 before all of these scandals broke. Howard played the clip and George started off with ''Fuck Lance Armstrong...'' He said he was tired of him and his yellow stuff and he's sick of Tiger Woods too. George said he's sick of being told who to admire in this country. George said he'll chose his own heroes. He said ''And fuck Dr. Phil too!''
Howard said people aren't always right about who the heroes should be. Howard played a ''If You're Happy and you Know It'' with Debbie the Pet Lady clips edited in.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he's the only one in show business who hasn't had a scandal. Howard said he did get divorced. The caller said he never did HGH or lied to his fans. The caller thanked him for that. Howard said maybe he needs a scandal so he can get on with Oprah.
Howard said he read that 5 people were hurt at various gun shows across the country. Robin said she was going to do that story. Howard said a 12 gauge shotgun went off at one show and it injured a few people. Howard said in another gun show a man shot himself accidentally while leaving a show. Howard said he used to go to the firing range a lot to test his weapons and his target practice. Howard said he realized that he's standing next to a guy with an Uzi and you don't know if they're going to just shoot you. Howard said these guys would carry at the gun range and they'd have like 5 weapons strapped to them. He said it was an accident waiting to happen.
Howard said he had people ask him if he wanted to shoot a gun. He said that he shot an Uzi there for the firs time. He said it's way too easy to fire off a bunch of shots. He said it's too easy to kill everything.
Howard said people would invite him to private gun ranges. He said that he went and it was weird. He said he doesn't understand the whole gun thing even though he owns his own guns. Howard said he would rather just have everyone not have guns. Howard said he went to one gun range and he fired his weapon and they had metal walls with slots on the side. He said it was in a weird shape. He said that he had a ricochet that made his face bleed.
Howard read another story about a guy who shot his friend accidentally at a gun show. Howard said these gun nuts don't even know how to use their guns safely.
Robin started off with a story about Al Gore selling off his TV network to Al Jazeera. Howard said that he had a friend tell him that it's actually good news. He said it's not all terrorist news. Howard said that he thought that Al Jazeera was all terrorist news. Robin said that they did get to talk to the terrorists. Howard said his friend told him it's not like that at all. Robin said it is owned by a country called Qatar. Robin said that's what people are afraid of. Howard said we really don't know anything about it. Howard said his friend told him it's actually pretty good.
Howard asked Jon Hein if he knows anything about it. Jon came in and said he hasn't seen it and this is the first he's heard that country Qatar pronounced ''Cutter'' like Robin did. Robin said that she was trying to tell Howard that Al Gore was able to buy Apple stock at just over $7 per share. She said that he bought like 50,000 shares of the stock. Robin did the math and read about how well he did with that deal. Howard said he's almost as smart as Scott Greenstein. Howard read a live commercial after that.
After the break, around 9:40am, we heard a prank call the guys made to a radio show using Riley Martin audio clips. They also played a Howard Stern Show musical clip where the guys sang about Robin's breasts. Fred played U2's ''Pride (In the Name of Love)'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he was never into U2. Robin said that she was talking to a friend about that. She said that Howard wasn't into Bruce Springsteen until he saw him live. Howard said he does like ''Sunday Bloody Sunday.''
Howard picked up on Debbie the Pet Lady again who was screaming at him about the way he treats her. Howard played the ''If You're Happy And You Know It'' song parody over her. Debbie was screaming at him. Howard just moved on and asked Robin what was in the news.
Robin read about a priest who left the priesthood to be a meth dealer. Howard said that's even darker than Breaking Bad. Robin said this guy was an aid to Cardinal Eagan there in New York City. Robin said they may have laundered money through a sex video store that the guy owned. Robin read the details about what this guy was up to.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said Howard has said that he isn't getting blown by Beth and maybe her sex drive is down. Howard said he never said that. Mark said that he heard about that incredible blow job he got recently after watching porn. Howard said no one wants to hear about him getting a blow job. Howard said that you'd think that a lack of sex would give you more of a sex drive. Howard said he actually had sex this weekend. Howard said it would be the greatest thing of all time if he taped their sex. He said he'd be disgusted watching it though. He said they tried to make a sex tape once but he saw his penis on camera and it disturbed him so much he had to destroy it. Howard said he was holding the camera and it's really not photogenic. He said it was too much light. Robin said the movie sex scenes have good lighting and make up. Howard said he remembers talking to a girl in high school about the penis and she thought they were beautiful. Howard said he sees them as dirty and disgusting.
Robin read about a web site called FriendsBeyondTheWall.com where you can find prisoners to correspond with. Howard said that's just weird. He wondered if you can find prisoners who look like you. Robin said they found the profiles of some people who committed some heinous crimes and people say the nicest things about them. Robin said one guy was told he was a good problem solver or life coach. Meanwhile he's in prison. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about Kathie Lee and Hoda drinking on their morning show. Robin said they've become famous for that. Robin said a magazine wanted to challenge them to not drink for a month and they'd give them the cover of the Ladies Home Journal. Robin said they caught Kathie Lee drinking 9 days in at a party. Robin said she got caught and she admitted that she was doing it.
Howard asked Jason how he's doing without smoking any pot. Jason came in and said it's been 17 days and he almost cracked last night. He said last night he missed it the most out of the two weeks. He said that he was going to bed and got anxious about the work week. He said he did it and stayed strong though. Howard asked if he's going to stop after the month is up. Jason said he doesn't plan on quitting forever. He said he has learned that he smoked too much. He said he was starting to smoke so much that he didn't know how much he was smoking. Howard said he grabbed a piece of pizza and Jason freaked out when he saw him eating it. Howard said he can do that once in a while.
Robin said she heard that Jason wanted to try one of those 10,000 calorie meals that they talk about in the news. Jason said he's not into that kind of extreme eating. Robin said he did run out and try that KFC chicken sandwich that had two pieces of chicken as the bun. Jason said it was too much chicken. Howard said Jason has purple on today and he's wondering if he looks more like Grimace or Barney. Jason laughed as Howard wrapped up with him.
Robin read about how the Ravens and 49ers are going to be in the Super Bowl this year. Robin said that was set over the weekend. Howard said he didn't even know. Robin said she's not sure if she should be rooting for the Ravens or not. Howard said she should because she's from that area. Robin said that a Falcons fan was stabbed in the neck after the game in Atlanta. Robin said that he was stabbed after punching a 49ers fan. Robin said he was stabbed in the throat area and taken to the hospital. Howard said Will used to go and beat up people at the game. Howard said he thinks he killed like 4 people at a game. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Barbara Walters taking a fall over the weekend and injuring herself. Howard said she's like 83 years old and she should stay in at her own house. Howard said she was out at someone else's house when she tripped and fell. Howard said his parents trip at their own house and they should stay home. Howard said his mother fell flat on her face at a house he rented one year. He said he thought he had killed her so he was crying over the whole thing. She was fine though. Howard said that he thinks that Whoopi hates Barbara on The View. He said he thinks that she looks like she wants to shit on Barbara. They found some interesting stuff on the web about Whoopi and Barbara. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a woman in Las Vegas who is suing a Match.com for $10 million. Robin said that a man she met through the site attacked her when she tried to break it off. Robin had some audio of this woman talking about what happened to her when the guy attacked her. Howard said the web site can't know what's going to happen but online dating is dangerous and people should know that. Howard said if a guy has to go online to find a date you know something is wrong.
Robin read about President Obama's inauguration and she had some audio of Maya Angelou talking about what Dr. King would have said if he had lived to see Obama in office. Howard warned everyone that they were about to be bored by the clip. Robin had a couple of clips of Maya talking about King and Obama.
Robin had some audio of Obama talking about his wife and the new hair style she had. Howard said he didn't like the new hair style. He said she looks better without bangs.
Robin read about January being National Stalking Awareness month. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about that.
Robin read about gun rights activists who showed up in Denver Colorado. Robin had some audio of some of those people talking about why they were there.
Robin had some audio of a guy talking about some gun shooting range that they were setting up in Fort Carson, Colorado. Robin said that opens on Wednesday and it's the largest gun range in the country.
Robin read about the deaths in a kidnapping in Algeria and how one American was among the dead. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read about a study that's coming out about Mars and how they're still trying to figure out if life could have been supported there or not. Robin said they think maybe water could have been there and it's hidden below the surface.
Robin read about Chimpanzees and how they have shown signs of morality. Robin said that they did some research and found that chimps and human children respond the same to a game where one human or primate gets more than another in a game. Robin said they also found that male chimps compete with each other but come together to repair their friendship.
Robin read about a flight that had trouble landing in Newark, New Jersey. Robin said a flight blew some tires when it landed. Robin said the aircraft veered off the runway but no one was hurt.
Robin read about Lance Armstrong books being moved to the fiction section in a library. That story turned out to be a prank. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:15am.
Jon said he wanted to start off talking about JD's regular segment. JD said he didn't pitch that idea. Jon asked if he doesn't want to be part of it. JD said he does but Jon is twisting his words to make him seem more Hollywood or whatever. Gary said JD does enjoy some notoriety. JD said it depends on what it's for. He said he doesn't like certain aspects of his personal life being out there. Jon said he knows he enjoys basking in the glow. JD just laughed.
Jon asked JD how tough it was to make that Riley prank call. JD said they tried Fred the Elephant Boy at first. He said he started laughing a little bit. He said he can't make a prank phone call for his life. He said he doesn't know what to do. He said Fred knew they were trying to prank him.
Gary said he didn't know about 9 lines in that they weren't using clips of JD in that prank call. Jon said he knows he was nervous and he wondered how all of that went down. JD said the idea was to have phone sex. He said they tried it with Fred the Elephant Boy and then Mark the Bagger who just hung up. He said they called Riley and he tried to lure him to his hotel room in Atlantic City. He said he was just laughing and Riley didn't want him.
Gary said when JD is playing the part of a gay person you're not actually gay. JD said he knows that. He said he gets that. Gary asked if he's that nervous on the phone with a girl. JD said he can be when he doesn't know the girl.
Jon asked JD if he's better off online with girls. JD said he is because he can think of what he's going to say and edit before he sends it out.
JD wanted to tease a clip for next week's Clip of the Week. He would only say that it had something to do with a cupcake. Gary said he and JD love that clip but Howard has never been that big of a fan of it.
Jon asked JD about Howard listening to his clip and cutting it off early. JD said that it's better to have it and not need it than to not have it and need it. He said Howard can cut it off whenever he wants. Jon asked him to repeat what that saying was. JD repeated it for him. He said he knows what he means.
Jon asked JD if he likes the name of his segment. JD said the DaBadAss isn't going away so he's fine with it. JD said they had to stare at the board they were writing down ideas on. He said it was DaBadAss and ''Mush mouth'' under that. He said he had to stare at that for 6 hours.
Jon asked about the big meeting they had on Friday and how Mike Gange was dressed there. They talked about that for a second and then talked about where people sat in the meeting. Gary said Sal and Richard didn't sit at the table and he thinks that they should have. Gary said that they found it funny that Scott the Engineer and Lisa G were at the table and Sal and Richard weren't. Gary said that if you're going to sit at the table you should be very vocal.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he loves JD on the show. He said he thinks that his demeanor on the show is an act though. He asked JD what he thinks about that. JD said he definitely talks better off air with people that he knows. He said if there's not a million people listening he's fine.
Jon asked JD who he was out with this weekend. JD said he went out with Teddy and some other people. He said he was talking to some chicks there. JD said no one recognized him. He said it was dark in the bar too. He said he just went home after that and watched some Taxi Driver and then went to bed. Gary asked if he jerked off. JD said he didn't want to put the effort into it. Gary got a laugh out of that. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary if he thought Howard would like his $1,700 pen so much. Gary said he knows he loves pens and he never gets him any because he figures he has so many. Gary said he has some expensive pens himself but he figures Howard might have a rack of pens. He said he can understand liking those pens though.
Jon asked where Gary's pen is located. Gary said he has it in a place where no one else is going to use it. He said it's his bill writing pen and everyone should know that.
Jon asked Gary if he was surprised that Howard got the flu shot. Gary said he was a little bit. He said Beth got it too though. Gary said she's the more rational one when it comes to that kind of stuff.
Jon said the story about Howard going to the bathroom and then walking into a photo shoot was good. Gary said he gets that. He said that's the worst.
Jon said now that they're on the bathroom talk they can talk about Ronnie. He asked Ronnie if he explained that whole thing the right way today. Ronnie said that is the way it goes. Jon said he did change his story a little bit today. He said that it's only in emergencies. Ronnie said he doesn't want to get out of the shower, take a shit and then take another shower. Ronnie said that if you get ready to go and you get an attack you have to clean up and he's not going to get back in the shower.
Ronnie asked Jon if he's ever taken a bath and sat in his own shit water. Jon laughed and said he has. He said he's not jumping back into the bath to clean himself after he has cleaned himself. He said he's also not going into the sink to wash his ass where he's brushing his teeth too.
Ronnie said Jon will never admit when he's wrong. Jon said he's acting like this is a normal thing. Ronnie said he knows that Teddy does it and he just wont admit it.
Jon asked Tim Sabean if he thinks that this is normal. Tim said it's really not. JD asked Ronnie if he's ever crushed his balls jumping up on the sink. Ronnie said he hasn't and he knows that JD is going to try it.
Teddy asked Ronnie about taking a bath and sitting in the ''shitty'' water but pointed out there's soap in there too. Ronnie said that there's soap in the sink too. Teddy said that there's more water in the tub though. Ronnie said you're still sitting in it. He said he never takes baths because he thinks it's disgusting. Ronnie said he's had hemorrhoids in the past and he has had to soak them. Jon said he had to take a break after that.
Jon said he thinks that Ronnie is changing his tune a little bit. Ronnie said he's not. He said he explained it already. He said he's not washing the shit out of his ass into the sink. He said he wipes really good to get the shit out and then he makes sure he doesn't stink by washing. Jon wondered why he doesn't just get water from the sink to wash.
Gary said Ronnie has to chill out for a second. He said he didn't know that they didn't have a spigot on the sink today. He said they brought in a thing that looked like a video caddy and then all of a sudden they got a spigot and it turns out they got it from the diner downstairs.
Jon said he wants to take some calls. He took one from a guy who asked why Ronnie doesn't just use the toilet to wash his hands in. Ronnie asked why he doesn't do that. The caller said maybe he does.
Another caller said he thinks Ronnie is smart for wiping his ass in the sink. He said you can't go around with shit in your ass all day. They had a couple seconds of silence after that.
Another caller said that Ronnie could break his hip pretty easy hopping up on that sink. Ronnie said he's doing just fine and, according to Wikipedia, he's 81 years old.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if he had a friend come over to wash his ass in his sink, would he mind that. Ronnie said no but Gary didn't believe that was true. Ronnie said that no one is going to tell him if they do that anyway. Gary said that there is no way he's going to tell the guy to ''be my guest'' to wash his ass in the sink.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie had to come up with a new bit to out do Howard with his baby wipes. Ronnie said that wiping your ass with a baby wipes isn't a bit. He said that's just his opinion anyway.
Jon said that the other thing Howard talked about was his iPad Mini. He said he's in love with that device. Gary said he understands that. He said it does everything he needs it to do. Jon asked Ronnie if he's noticed how crazy he's gotten. Ronnie said they have Apple TV in the car now and Howard can run everything in the back of the car from his iPad. Gary said he's jealous of that. Jon asked how the new car is doing. Ronnie said they have a couple of flaws but they're taking care of them. He said they fixed the back seat and they don't have a petcock in this one... or the last one. Ronnie said he has to get used to the new car because there's so many computerized things in there. He said he just has to get used to it. Gary asked if it has voice recognition. Ronnie said it has everything. He said you have to take your time to figure it all out. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about the Jewel song Fred played at the start of the show. He was wondering which version he played. Howard said he fixed his glasses but he can't read his computer so good. He said he got graduated lenses and they're not working. Robin said she doesn't like the shape of these new ones. Howard said yesterday he was wearing his regular ones.
Howard said he was thinking about this Inauguration thing yesterday. He said he taped it and fast forwarded through a lot of it. He said he didn't like the poetry guy. Howard said we need a president who is into classic rock and not Alicia Keys, Beyonce and people like that. Howard said Jimmy Carter had the Allman brothers and Clinton had Fleetwood Mac. Howard said he'd have a Cream reunion if he was elected President. Howard sang some of their music for Robin. Fred played the song Howard was trying to sing. That was ''The Politician'' that he was playing.
Howard said that he'd have them playing that song and he'd have his wife in a bikini. Howard said it would be 20 degrees below zero and she'd be in a bikini. He said he'd have Megan Fox and Denise Richards up there with him too. He said after Cream he'll have a Jimi Hendrix impersonator.
Howard said Kelly Clarkson invokes emotion in him but her song was kind of lame. He said he doesn't get Alicia Keys either. He wondered if anyone goes to her concert. Robin said they do. Howard said the President and the First Lady were dancing to Al Green's song ''Lets Stay Together.'' He said Al Green is still alive and he wasn't there singing it. He said he must be pissed. Robin said at the last one they had someone singing an Etta James song and she wasn't there. She got upset that she wasn't there singing it according to Robin.
Howard said that he'd settle for Steve Perry from Journey. He said he really couldn't care less than that guy though. He said he likes the guy who replaced him in the band. Howard said he wishes they had classic rock there. Howard said he'd get the Foo Fighters and the Rolling Stones. Howard said Obama could have had them.
Howard said James Taylor was there and he could have done a better song. He said he did America the Beautiful or something. Howard said Alicia Keys changed the lyrics around for Obama.
Howard said he saw a picture of Michelle Obama with bangs and he didn't like it but then he saw her on TV and he changed his mind. He said she looked sexy. Howard said she's fuckable with those bangs.
Howard said Pat Robertson said something kind of gross. He said he thinks he was trying to say that you have to try to look your best but he was saying that some women get their hair cut like a man and they shouldn't do that. Howard asked if JD pulled that clip. Gary said JD needs 2 seconds. Howard said that's fine.
Howard said that Alicia Keys changed the words to her song to fit Obama. Howard said she has slimmed way down. He said he saw her up at Sirius once and he talked to her. He said he thinks that was her. Robin said Howard doesn't even know.
Howard got the Pat Robertson clip and played that. In the clip Pat was talking to his co-host and she was reading a letter from a girl who said her father spends too much time playing games on the computer and she feels bad for her mother not getting attention. Robin said that the 17 year old daughter should mind her own business. Howard said you know they make up those letters. Howard played more of the audio and Pat was saying that maybe they can get out of the house for a few days and go on vacation. He said they could take a weekend and go somewhere. Howard said maybe she can get her mom a thong and a negligee and wash her pussy too. Robertson was saying that the romance has gone out of the marriage. He said maybe her mom isn't as sweet as she thinks she is. Pat told his co-host about a woman who went to a preacher and she was horrible looking. He said you have to keep the spark going and you can't look bad doing it.
Howard said that the mom should sit with the 17 year old and get waxed and things like that. Howard said she has to get things going. Howard said the woman in the clip with Pat is a good looking black woman. Robin said he must have fired the other woman he worked with.
Howard said he liked Michelle Obama's bangs. He said his mother was asking if he was watching. She loves Obama. Howard said she was talking about how wonderful they are as people. Howard said she thinks she knows a lot about the family. Howard said she doesn't know them but she carries on like she lives next door to them. Howard said she thinks they're lovely people.
Howard said he called his mom yesterday. He said he told her he had an idea for her to do a show there. Howard said he was going to send them a movie once a month and have them review it. Howard said she doesn't like it when they call her to talk to her from Sirius. He said she gets upset about it. Howard did his impression of his mother telling him about someone there calling. He had her telling him about saying something about a movie and not understanding what he was saying.
Howard said he told his mom about the movie review idea and he figured they'd do that. Howard said they must be so old they don't want to be in show business. Howard said his mom just laughed and must have been stalling. Howard said she must not want to say no to someone who is keeping them alive. Howard said he said she doesn't have to do it but it's just watching a movie. She told him she'd have to talk to his father about it. Howard told her to do that and let him know. She said that she didn't think anyone wanted to hear her talk about a movie. Howard said people like that kind of stuff.
Howard said his mom just wanted to change subjects. He said he wanted to put it in the hands of anyone else but he knows it'll get all fucked up. He said his mom will get all insulted if he does that. Howard said she had to wait for a car to show up to pick her up and that got all fucked up. He said that was the worst day of his life.
Howard said his mother loves Obama. He said it's great to see a black president. Howard said it was really mind blowing. He said he never thought he'd see this in his life time. He said getting a black guy elected is insane.
Howard said he was watching and saw senator Al Franken and you never hear a thing from him anymore. Howard said he must really want to be a senator. He said he's acting senatorial. Howard said he almost fell down the steps a couple of times. He said no one else was though.
Robin said that Mrs. Carter was fragile too. Howard said she's like 90 something. Howard said he was wishing that Carter had picked the music there. Howard said Michelle Obama can't wear shoes. He said she has to wear low shoes. He said that's because America will think it's too hot. He said even the kids had to be dressed in J. Crew or America would have freaked out. Howard said that's what they have to do. He said their kids are beautiful too. He said one kid shot up and she's almost as tall as Obama is now.
Howard said Obama doesn't look all that tough. Robin said she thinks he's tough. Howard said he thinks he could beat him in basketball.
Howard said he was watching the Obama kids during the poetry and they were all fidgety. Howard said the white guys get all of the boring stuff. Howard said he thinks Maya Angelou started the whole poetry thing. He said at least Ronnie's poetry rhymes.
Howard played some audio of the poetry he was talking about. He said it seemed to go on for hours. He said he feels like he's back in temple listening to that stuff. He said that's why people leave church and temple. Howard recited some of Ronnie's poetry as that awful poem was being read. Howard said he's not sure who decides what's going to be read. Howard said it's just not good. He let the clip play for a few seconds at a time and goofed on it as he went along. Howard said he doesn't understand what he's talking about. Robin said he has to. Howard said he doesn't.
Howard asked Robin if she saw the part where Morgan Freeman got up and read Ronnie's poem. He played a clip of a Morgan Freeman impersonator reading Ronnie's ''Winter'' poem. He said this was better than the poem at the inauguration. Howard said poetry doesn't have to rhyme anymore.
Howard said he's on Google all the time and he uses that for search. He said Yahoo is still out there and they had a poetry contest. Howard said he didn't know Yahoo was even still around. Howard said James Franco wrote a poem and it doesn't even rhyme. Howard played a clip of Franco reading this poem. Howard said it didn't rhyme. Howard said he's not even showing any emotion reading it. Howard let that play through a little bit and said he thinks it's the way you read it. Robin said they write prose and say it's poetry. Howard said he could do that. He made up a few lines and talked about what was happening at the inauguration.
Robin said Howard's was just as bad as everyone else's was. Howard played more of Franco reading his poem and told him to go back to making comic book hero movies.
Howard played some of Alicia Keys playing a song. Howard said Beyonce was good at singing the National Anthem. He said she looks different every time he sees her. He played some of her singing the song. Howard said at least she was in key.
Howard said he heard about a guy who was invited to the inauguration and he got up and made an anti-Obama speech. Robin said his name was Lupe Fiasco. Howard said he lived up to his name. Howard said he'd like to hear what he had to say. Howard could hear Robin's cat meowing. Howard said maybe she should feed it. Robin said she's outside the door and she did feed her.
JD told Howard that the Fiasco thing wasn't easy to hear. He said they had to have subtitles to understand what he was saying.
Howard said Mitt Romney took in the matinee of that new Billy Crystal movie yesterday. Howard said 50 Cent is going to be coming in today. He said he was left out of that inauguration. Robin said if he had been there he might not have been there this morning.
Howard said he thinks that Beyonce is the president based on the number of photos they have of her in the paper. Howard said that Lupe Fiasco is in the paper a lot too.
Howard said someone wrote in about how he looks and how he's not ugly. Howard read the letter and said he bets Robin wrote this. The person was talking about how he has nice eyes and how he and Bradley Cooper have similar facial features.
Howard said they have a mixed reaction to the Hanzi show idea. Some people want to hear it but there are some who say they won't tune in. Howard said you don't have to tune in. Howard said one guy complained that he was saying the name Hanzi as ''Hahn-z.'' Howard said he does that to be funny.
Howard said someone thinks that he has sleep apnea. Howard said the guy asked a few questions about how he sleeps. Howard said the guy might be right about that. Howard said he could care less. He said he'll just be tired.
Howard said Ronnie's ass washing got a lot of feedback. Howard read some about how washing your ass in a sink is different than washing dishes or your hands. Howard said this guy thinks Ronnie sounds stupid when he speaks. There are some people who say they wash their ass but not in the sink. One guy said they use water but not in the sink. Howard said they have video of Ronnie demonstrating on the sink up on HowardStern.com
Howard read some email from someone who said washing your ass in a sink is acceptable. Another guy said he tried it for the first time and his wife walked in and saw him doing it and she made him bleach the whole bathroom.
Howard said people liked JD's clip of the week. Howard said some people didn't like it and he read some of those negative emails. Howard said this email was full of cursing. He said just because they're on Sirius doesn't mean you have to curse.
Howard said JD was mumbling like crazy on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He said he couldn't get a thought out. Howard played some audio where JD was mumbling and unable to come up with what he wanted to say. Howard got a laugh out of that. After playing a couple of clips Howard played a song parody about JD that Sal sang called ''Mush Mouth.'' Howard said it's two for Tuesday so he played another song parody about JD that was to an opera song. Howard and Robin got a laugh out of that one. The singer was doing an impression of JD talking that had them laughing. Robin said that was hysterical. Howard said if the opera has the right topic it's good.
Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Hanzi and Hanzi freaking out about the trolls that are harassing him. Hanzi screamed about how he doesn't give a shit about Howard or about Shuli.
Howard said they really do need to give him a show. He had the guys put up the Hanzi theme songs so he could play those. He played another clip of Shuli trying to talk to Hanzi about what his problem was. Hanzi was screaming and sounding like he was on the verge of tears in that one. that's where he accuses Howard of killing people to get where he is.
Howard played some of the theme songs they came up with for Hanzi. Howard said he's not sure where they're at with the Hanzi show planning. He said they're working on it. Howard asked Tim if he knows where they're at with that. Gary said Tim sent a note about how they were planning on doing the show. He said doing it with an ISDN line might be the way to go. Howard asked Tim where he's at with that. Tim said they're doing it on February 25th. Tim started to walk out so Howard asked where he's going. Tim said he has to get back to work. He said they're trying to bring Hanzi down to the States to do it since he lives in Canada.
Howard played a couple more Hanzi theme songs. Howard said that he'll be listening to the show. Tim said he would prefer to have Hanzi in there instead of doing it long distance. Howard asked how Hanzi feels about it. Tim said he might have to come there. Howard said he's excited and he'll tune in. Howard said hopefully the listeners will get him all fucked up. He said they should let the callers stay on the line so they can freak him out. Howard said he'll talk to Tim about this later. Robin said Hanzi calmed down when he told him that he was part of the Illuminati. Howard said he really did.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Fringe series finale and how Howard was bashing that. Howard said he loves JJ Abrams but that final episode wasn't very good. Howard said he thinks that he's the best out there but he didn't like that finale. Howard said they can't all be home runs. Howard said they hooked him in for 5 years though.
Howard said they had a black president being sworn in yesterday but there's still a lot of racism out there. Howard played a clip of Richard and Sal out on the street asking people about the inauguration and Martin Luther King Jr. day. One guy said they went out and had ribs and watermelon for lunch. Another guy said that the black thing is going on and on and it never ends.
Howard played some more clips of people talking about how they don't care about Martin Luther King Jr. day or about Obama's inauguration. One guy was talking about how black people are racist now and not the white people.
Howard said he saw such hypocrisy in his neighborhood. He said human nature and human everything is disgusting.
The caller asked Howard if they could get more of the original programming during the day. He said they cram that stuff down their throats during the day. Howard asked Tim why they don't do that. Howard said he doesn't know if Black on Black would work during the day. Howard said he was joking about that. Howard said they have such a diverse opinion about the shows they play. He said Tim has some kind of philosophy about this.
The caller said that GEEKTIME isn't that bad except when Ralph is on. He said that people don't like Ralph. Howard asked Tim about the programming on Friday. Tim said they do run their other shows in the afternoon. He said Black on Black is kept in the nighttime slots though. He said they have a whole conspiracy going on there. Howard asked why they start them at 7. Tim said they're trying to annoy this guy on the phone as much as they can. He said they work on Ralph being more grating than usual just for this guy. Howard said Ralph has this thing going now. He has a moustache and a goatee and it's half dark and half grey. He said it looks so weird. Tim said he saw it and it's great. Gary said he saw it too. He said he thought it was different. He said it's a little Ronnie-like. Howard said it is. Howard said he's not sure what he's going for.
Howard said Ronnie is going to be in Atlantic City for the Block Party this weekend. Howard said Ronnie was told it was going to snow this weekend and he was all disturbed by it. Howard said they had sold like 1000 seats already. Ronnie doesn't care what kind of money he gets. He said that they're not sure if Scott is going to be there. Howard said Scott is such a turd that he won't tell them if he's going to be there. Robin said he's a diva and he hasn't even performed yet.
Howard asked Ronnie if Scott had given him an answer yet. Ronnie said he hasn't. Howard asked how that's acceptable. Ronnie said he doesn't care. He said he has JD so Scott doesn't have to come. Howard said you'd think they'd have to plan the show. Ronnie said he can't get an answer from him.
Howard asked Jason if he's seen Ralph's moustache. Jason said he said something to him last week. He said Ralph had some explanation for why the hair is grey. He said he doesn't know what it is. Howard said he should try Just for Men. Howard said half of his face is grey and half is brown.
Howard asked Scott if he's going to be there. Scott said he has given his answer but they want to keep it a surprise so he's not going to say. He said that you should just go to the black party and see if he shows up. Scott said he spoke to Sequoia about it and he knows his answer. Ronnie said he's being a pain in the ass either way.
Ronnie asked if he's going to do further block parties. Scott said he has to talk about that. He said he has to sit down and figure it out. He wants to know what he'll be doing and for how much. Howard said they don't need Scott though. Ronnie said he feels bad. He said he's like the sad sack and he feels bad for him. Howard said Scott fucked up and hurt himself. He said he could have made all of that money.
Ronnie said they had limos to pick them up last year. He said that this year they have a couple of limos and now Scott is asking if he has to drive down. Howard said he does because he fucked up. Scott said he does have to drive. Howard asked why Ronnie won't drive him. Scott said he's not going at the same time as they are... if he's going. Howard said they don't have to get him a limo. He's not one of the big guys.
Scott said they told him that they would send a car for him. He said he asked and they said no. Scott said that was all part of his decision on if he's going or not. Ronnie said JD will be in his limo. Scott said he just stabbed him in the heart. Howard said he stopped giving a shit about half way through this conversation. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Wendy the Retard was at the inauguration. He played a clip of her saying the pledge of allegiance.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up his parents. Howard cut the guy off saying he doesn't know why he didn't pee during the break. He said he's wearing briefs today and not his usual underwear. Howard said the caller said he loves him like a dad so he's ignoring him like his dad did. Howard did an impression of his dad telling him to just sit and listen and he'll learn. Howard said his dad hated Ping Pong Records. He said his dad owned Aura Recording with some partners. Howard said they were kind of famous in that worked. He said his dad wished that he had taken music lessons so he would know how to read charts. Howard said he told him to take piano lessons so he could learn. Howard said his dad wished that he had taken lessons. He said if you told him to take them at that age he'd tell you to shut up. Howard said he had to take lessons for 5 years. Howard said his dad tried it once and gave up.
Howard said his dad would come home after work and say that he would run the business while the partners would flit around making commercials. He said that the other guys would sing the jingles and things like that. Howard said they may have thought his dad was a putz. He said he thinks his partner ran off without him and he failed. Howard said his dad proved everything. Howard said at one point his dad's musical partner wanted a record label. He said his dad knew it was going to be a disaster. Howard said the guy called it Ping Pong Records and they were the worst records. He said it was during the 70s and everyone was a star even if you sucked.
Howard said they found someone named Peter Brown and they had Billy Joel before he got famous and dumped him before he got famous. Howard said he was fascinated by all of that but if he asked about it his dad would freak out. He said he'd complain about the money going down the drain. Howard said he was so excited that he had a record label that he would make a card for him and on the back he'd make a stamp and put Ping Pong Records on it. Howard said he'd turn it over, see that, and freak out. Howard said he was just so proud and his dad didn't get it. Howard said he eventually started doing it just to be a dick. Howard said those were the good old days.
The caller asked Howard if he ever experienced a fear of his parents dying before he had an opportunity to become famous. Howard said his mother was ready to go and kill herself all the time. The caller said maybe they were just trying to push him along on the right path. Howard said everyone fears their parents dying. Robin said she didn't. Howard said that's because she was getting fingered by her father. Howard said he'd prefer that over no attention. Howard said suddenly he's jealous of Robin's relationship with her father. He said he's just kidding about that for those who think he's not.
Howard said that must be why he hates ping pong. Howard said he remembers playing a game with a friend and he jumped up and his head went through the ceiling. Howard said it was like Herman Munster. Howard said it was horrible. He said the worst thing you could do to him is send him back there.
The caller said he appreciates him picking up on him. Howard said he's not sure he even spoke to this guy. Howard asked if he had a question. His question was about fearing his parents dying. Howard said you can tell just how happy he is.
The caller said he's been listening since 2000 when he was 14. He said he fucked up rehab and he's going back. Howard said he started listening early and now he's fucked up. Howard said he should just quit if he wants to quit. Howard said he has the inner strength. Howard said he has to struggle with a lot of things himself. He said he has to go to therapy over it. Howard said he struggles with everything. Howard said he has to stop himself from doing lots of things.
The caller asked if Howard is trying to focus on love. Howard said fuck all of that rehab bullshit. Howard said you just focus on quitting and just do it. The caller said he's interested in the meditation thing. Howard asked what he's addicted to. The caller, Damian, said he's on heroin and meth. Howard said he's going to make him addition free. He said by the powers of the Illuminati he's making him addiction free. Damian said he believes him.
Howard said he fixed Artie and he can fix this guy too. Robin said that's right, they'll just stop taking this guy's calls and he'll quit.
Howard asked Damian about the rehab and what he was doing in his life. Damian said he had a job working in a semiconductor business. He said they gave him a job that he wasn't qualified for. Howard said he has to get over this and move on. Howard said he's making them look bad by doing all of this stuff. Damian said he heard messages from him and it made him laugh. Howard told Damian to get off of this stuff and make his daughter proud. Damian said that she's 4 years old and she's smarter than he is. Howard said he's sorry to hear that. Howard told him to make him proud. Damian said he'll call back when he gets out of rehab.
Howard said this guy needs his father. He said he'd humiliate him to make him straight. Robin said she can't relate to that at all. Howard said he can but he can control it. Howard said he brings out his inner Hitler and he yells at himself.
Robin said a doctor prescribed Ambian for her and she didn't take it during the week. She said she didn't want to try it when she has to be up for the show. Robin said she hasn't even taken it out of the bag yet.
Howard asked Fred what he thought of Damian. Fred said he doesn't think he'll straighten up but he hopes he can try.
Lisa got to her rundown and said that Jason and Gary have made up after last week's fight. Lisa said that they spoke it out and now when Gary's door is closed it's not for air.
Lisa said they talked to Ronnie about having a bunch of Stephanie's family over at his house. She said that they've lived together for a year and a half and he became defensive when she asked if he plans on marrying her. Howard said Ronnie has a pretty big house. He said it's like a 2 family home.
Lisa said Ronnie's dog Dudley was attacked by another dog and had to go the vet to be stitched up. Lisa said that Ronnie is also driving around in a new Limo that has a lot of features. Howard said he thinks it looks a little weird. He said that he doesn't like it so much. He said he had them replace the seat but it's not much better. He said they didn't trick this thing out much either. He said you'd think they'd have a mirror in the back but they didn't have one. Howard said he told Ronnie he thinks he chinced out a little bit on this one. Howard said this thing looks so different than any car he's seen that it draws a lot of attention. He said that's not what he wants. He said he'd rather not have attention. Howard said he likes to have the car with a partition so he can block Ronnie. Howard said he has road rage and he wants to block that out.
Howard said they were driving around in the new limo and it was weird. He said this guy with press plates was following them around. Howard said Ronnie pulled over and the guy was chasing them. He said Ronnie got 2 cars ahead of the guy and the guy went through a red light. Howard said the guy didn't care when he saw who was in it. He said he must have thought someone important was in it when he saw how different the car was.
Howard said he's not going to complain anymore. He said it's useless. Howard said he went to see the car and they told him it was going to be great. Howard said they stopped making Town Cars so you have to get like an SUV hybrid. He said they have something like that. Howard asked Ronnie what it is.
Ronnie came in and said that they did away with the Lincoln Town Car. He said he liked that because he can't get used to this new thing. Ronnie said they're bringing out a Cadillac ATS and he went and looked at that. He said when you sit in it Howard would never be able to get in. He said the roof is too low in the back. Ronnie said he has had issues with Caddys in the past too.
Ronnie said they have this thing called a Lincoln MKT and they're allowed to make that a stretch. He said that's what they have. He said that the Town Car was only being sold for the livery business. He said it was only cabs and companies like that. He said that it wasn't a regular family that would buy the car. Howard said his dad still has his. He said they should have taken his and stretched it.
Ronnie said their car was almost 5 years old and it was time to get rid of it. Howard said they could have replaced the engine or something. Ronnie said it starts to become a whole problem. Howard said he's not going to complain anymore. He said that Ronnie was complaining and he told him he was just going to get used to it. Howard let Lisa go after that. As she was walking out the guys pointed out she had the same dress on that Beth wore. Howard said she must see the pictures of Beth and goes out and buys the same thing. Lisa said she doesn't do that. She said she shops at Express. Howard said that's where Beth shops too.
Howard said he doesn't want the pressure for AGT but if they get some asshole on the show then it becomes about the judges. Howard said they start taping in March in New Orleans. Howard said the first week of March he'll be down there. Howard said he's going to tell anyone they bring on the show that he's not going to put up with it. He said no one is. Howard said that's how the show is going to open up.
Howard said he's heard some things through the grape vine and there might be some good people coming to the show. Howard said they brought in a new management team and some people from Simon Cowell's company. He said they're supposed to know what the future is going to look like and make some changes to the show.
Howard said Beth went out with some friends last night. He said she had some new outfit on and she looked hot. Howard said he can't deal with her hotness.
Robin said she looked up that Peter Brown guy and she wasn't able to find anything about Ping Pong Records. Howard said that's what he was on. Howard asked the news department not to contact the guy. Howard said he's like 90 now and his father would go nuts. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and enjoyed what was left of the song. Howard said that's who he would have perform if he was President. Howard said it would be uplifting for the country. Howard said he loves this. He said he has to get back into his guitar. He said he needs three more lifetimes to learn guitar and more about photography. Robin asked if he couldn't be like that then would he pick up the guitar. Howard said he'd have to give it up if he wasn't this good.
Howard had the guys bring in 50 Cent. 50 said he wore his good clothes today and Robin didn't even show up. Howard asked if it's true that he named his dog Oprah. 50 said he did. He said that he didn't like her but now he does. Howard said that she sounds like one of those white people who is too uptight. 50 said he spoke to Oprah about what she said about his album that sold 13 million copies.
Howard said 50 named his cat Gayle King. 50 said that the dog and cat are almost the same size. Howard said he learned that ''fi'ty'' came from Sharon Osbourne. 50 said that it did because of her accent. He said she announced an award for him and she said ''Fi'ty'' so he went with that. He said people are confused about it though because he's fifty or fi'ty. Howard said he'd feel funny calling him ''fi'ty.''
Howard said that Chelsea Handler was in there talking about fucking 50. He said she called him Curtis while she was doing that. He said it's such a weird coupling. 50 said that was different. He said that was Curtis.
Howard said Chelsea told him that her white friends thought it was funny that she was going out with him. He said that was kind of a weird thing. Howard asked if that's because he lived the thug life and then he's a big star. 50 said that could be it. He said they'll look at him and think about how he was shot 9 times and things like that.
Howard asked if it was weird to go out with her and hang with her friends. 50 said the friends were always around but it wasn't that weird. He said that they're all in the business somehow so they had things in common.
Howard said Chelsea told him why they broke up. He had a clip. Howard asked if 50 heard it. He said he didn't. Howard played the clip for him. Chelsea told Howard about this girl 50 had dated and she wanted to get back together with him. Chelsea said she told 50 that it was like 8th grade shit. She said she told him that he's like a street person or a gangster and she hung up and never spoke to him again.
50 said he remembers that. Howard asked what's wrong with saying there is a woman out there who is still into him and she's still out there. Howard said there's nothing wrong with warning her about that. Robin said there are certain women out there who don't want to deal with that. She said that way it won't get in the way. 50 asked how you get around it. Robin said she doesn't know. She told him he should handle it.
Howard said he's not sure how he's supposed to handle it. Howard said he can't kill her. 50 said that's like if Howard met a guy who previously knew his woman he'd want to know about it. Howard said he would want to know about that. Howard asked how he couldn't have said something because that girl, Ciara, was supposed to be on Chelsea's show.
Howard asked how Chelsea was in bed. 50 said he used to call her gator. He said that's what she would recognize. He said that she was cool. Howard asked if he was in love. 50 said he can't answer that. He said he has to live up to his reputation.
Howard said he had The Game in there and he said that he had destroyed his reputation. He said that he had that clip too. Howard played that for 50 since he doesn't really listen to the show. He claimed he had ruined 50 Cent's reputation in that clip. Howard said he used to be in his group. He said he doesn't know what happened there. Howard asked 50 if he got jealous of the guy. 50 said that The Game started doing that when his first week sales came in. He said that The Game was the one who started it. He said he didn't start it himself.
Howard said he knows in hip hop you have to battle and it seems so angry in that world. 50 said it is like that. Howard said it's sad that it has to end up where he has to strike back at 50. 50 said they'll be out and they'll talk about a reunion but there will never be one. He said he's not sure why it took place in the beginning. 50 said he would come back and say that he did something wrong if he did something wrong. He said there are people who don't like him and they don't have a good reason for it.
Howard said The Game showed up to a station to confront him and there was a gun battle. 50 said that one of The Game's people got shot. He said that he had nothing to do with it. 50 said The Game affiliates himself with a gang in Los Angeles and he really wasn't scared during that whole thing. Howard asked if he spends his day looking over his shoulder. 50 said he doesn't. He said they're just frontin' for the general public.
Howard asked if the cops thought it was okay for what his crew did shooting the other crew. 50 would only say that he believes in the justice system and he's going to go with what they say.
Howard said that Michael Jackson wanted to work with 50 Cent and the Game. Howard said Michael wanted them to end their beef. 50 said that Game made that up and said that it was Michael who wanted them to make up.
Howard said he had a meeting with Michael Jackson once and it was really weird. He said he would just giggle and not talk to him. 50 said he was clear when he talked to him. He said that he felt like his new album was like his new Thriller. Howard asked if he was a fan of Michael's when he was growing up. 50 said he was. He said he had posters on his wall and everything. He said it was a big thrill to talk to him on the phone. He said it was real interesting to have him call him.
Robin asked if he's still living in Mike Tyson's old house. 50 said he still owns it. He said that it was a big deal to buy that house. He said that it showed that he had made it. 50 said that he's trying to sell the house and it's not easy to unload it. He said he's asking $10 million and it's on 18 acres and it's a 55,000 square foot house. He said he hasn't been there in a few months. 50 said he's been moving around doing movies and stuff. Howard asked if he's afraid of the Game. 50 said it really doesn't matter. He said they're doing him a favor by mentioning him. Howard asked if he could take him out in a fist fight. 50 said he's not even going to respond to that. Howard said 50 looks pretty tough. Howard asked how much he weighs. 50 said he's 198 pounds and 6'1'' tall.
Howard asked if 50 has been in every room of his 55,000 square foot house. 50 said he has. Howard asked if he was really turned on by the house. 50 said he didn't have anything else around at the time. Howard asked if he banged Chelsea Handler in that house. 50 asked why he has to make it sound that way. Howard asked if she gets sloppy and crazy with him. He mentioned the ''gator'' name and 50 got a laugh out of that. Howard said she must have wanted to please him. Howard said it must take forever to vacuum a 55,000 square foot house. 50 said he has like 6 or 7 people who take care of it. Howard said that must be why he wants to get out of there. He said his nut must be like a million a year. 50 said it's not that much. He said that he can use it as an entertainment place.
50 said he was living in a basement apartment and he went from that to a 55,000 square foot house. He said he doesn't have anyone in his space now. He said he can have his whole family there and they're not in his way. Howard asked if he has a night club in the house. 50 said he does. Howard said Eddie Murphy has that in his house on Bubble Hill.
50 said he has had some parties at his house. He said they have a billiards room and things like that. Howard asked about fucking women there and 50 said that DJ Whoo Kid is the guy who talks about that stuff. He said he lies about him being there too. Howard said he read that he slaps Whoo around when he doesn't stick to his set list. 50 said he does that because they agree on a set list and he'll go off the list.
Howard said he heard that 50 made a dance album but he never put it out. 50 said that he made the album and he never put it out. He said that he's got a new album coming out and he worked with Eminem and Adam Levine on it. Howard asked why Eminem is never around. 50 said he's a superstar. He said he's still the biggest thing in hip hop.
Howard asked 50 about working with Chris Brown. 50 said he worked with him recently. Howard asked if he talks about beating up Rihanna. 50 said that was a long time ago and he's not sure why they're still bringing it up. Howard said he would love to bang Rihanna. Howard said he imagines that she's a gator. 50 said he's not sure about that. Howard asked if he likes her song Diamonds. 50 said it's a good song. Howard said she didn't write it. 50 said it doesn't matter. He said she can get publishing just for singing it.
Howard asked 50 if guys ever bring women to him to try them out. 50 laughed and said that has never happened. 50 said it was the way that Howard said it that made him laugh. Howard said it seems very hip hop to him. 50 said that it's the other way around in the business. 50 said he might pass them on to someone instead of the other way around.
Howard said his boss never does that for him. Howard said no one has never let him fuck their wife or anything like that. Howard said NBC sent him a camera lens. Robin asked if those women ever end up marrying those guys. 50 didn't really answer.
Howard said that 50 was fat before he got shot. 50 said he went from 230 pounds to 167 while he was in the hospital. Howard asked if that is part of his book. 50 said that's not part of the work out.
Howard asked why he was shot 9 times. 50 said someone paid that guy to shoot him. Howard asked why he went after him. 50 said that a guy saw him communicating with someone who robbed a place in the town he was in. He said the guy thought he had something to do with the robbery so he hired the guy to shoot him. He said the guy didn't know that he was just talking to the guy. Howard said that's like the guy who was seen doing sign language and some gang members thought he was making gang signs and shot him.
Howard asked 50 if he loses his mind living in that environment. He said that he must feel he was living in the bizarro world. 50 said that's all he knew back then. He said he has learned a lot since then. Howard asked about how they don't turn to the police in a case like that. Howard said he would go right to the police. 50 said you can't do that in his community because the police won't show up. Howard said the Game said that he hates the police and he'd never call them. 50 said that's not true. He said that's all talk. 50 said he saw years ago when they asked if he would call the police if he had a serial killer living next to him. He said the guy said no. 50 said if he had a serial killer living next to him he'd move his people out of the area. Howard said you'd think they'd just call the police and tell them about it.
Howard asked 50 if he would call the police if someone killed his mom. 50 said he would take care of that person himself. Howard said he has a lot to lose now though. He asked what he's worth now. 50 said he's doing pretty good but he doesn't know what he's worth.
Howard asked if it's true he went on Twitter and told people to buy a stock he owned and the stock shot up. He said he thought that was illegal. 50 said that he didn't sell his stock in that period. He said that it was a penny stock and he didn't sell it so he didn't get in trouble.
Howard asked if they all got together and bought a penny stock and told everyone to buy it, could they do that. 50 said that he has like 8 million followers on Twitter and 25 million on Facebook. He said he didn't have any intentions to sell. He said that he was just making them aware of this company that had just become public. Howard asked what he said in the tweet. 50 said it was TVG and they were connected to him at the time. He said they're not anymore. 50 said they were connected to the release of SMS audio to his headsets. Howard told him to get him a set of those. 50 said he would do that. Howard said he knows he'd end up going to jail if he did that. Robin agreed.
Howard said he has to get into shape so he has to talk about this book. Howard asked if he can get a six pack at 60 years old. 50 said sure. Howard asked if 50 is too old for hip hop. 50 said he's not. He said Jay-Z is 40 and he's still in it. 50 said you have to keep your finger on the pulse of what's going on.
Howard asked if 50 is burning out on what's going on. 50 said he's not. Howard asked if he ever got anal from Chelsea Handler. 50 said he's never coming on the show again. He got up to leave but Howard told him to sit down.
Howard said 50 once went to perform for Muammar Gaddafi. Howard said he eventually gave the money to charity or something but he did perform and took money from the guy. 50 said it was in Venezuela so he didn't think about who was going to be paying. He said that it was one of those things where you have people investing in you and you don't know where it's coming from. Howard said that he must have been told about who the guy was eventually. 50 said he wasn't criticized for it. Howard asked why he donated the money then. 50 said that it was a PR move. He said they have all kinds of stuff they want him to do. He said it's the white man who tells him to do that stuff.
Howard asked about 50's book ''Formula 50: A 6-Week Workout and Nutrition Plan That Will Transform Your Life.'' Howard said he was fat and he lost weight after he was shot. 50 said he was working out but he wasn't cut like he is now. 50 said he was shot in the face so his jaw was wired. He said he was only able to drink. Howard asked what it was like to be shot in the face. 50 said it wasn't as painful as going to the dentist for root canals. 50 said he's seen people go to the hospital for less intense stuff and not come out. Howard asked if he felt like Jesus saved him or something. 50 said that you do get closer to your creator when you go through something like that.
Robin asked where the bullets are. She said that he must have been shot in unimportant areas. 50 asked what areas are unimportant. Robin said she was speaking medically.
Howard asked what happened to the guy who shot him if he didn't do the job. 50 said he doesn't know. He said he had to position himself in the neighborhood the right way after that. Howard asked if the guy who shot him is still alive. 50 said he is dead. He said he was shot. Howard said 50 is smiling when he says that. Howard asked if his family thinks that he shot him. 50 said he doesn't know. He said ''who cares?''
Howard asked if he saw Django Unchained. 50 said he did. Howard asked what he thought about the N-word. Howard said Oprah got upset with him using it in his music. 50 said that it should never be comfortably used. He said he still uses it when he's painting a picture to make that picture accurate. Howard asked if he's upset with Quentin Tarantino using it. 50 said that he used it the way he felt it should be used and he has no problem with it. 50 said that it would have been a different film if Spike Lee made the movie. Howard said it sucks when white people use the word in their art. 50 said he doesn't know about that. He said Sam Jackson is underrated in that movie. He said he was great in it. He said Jamie Foxx is the star of the film and it's about his character. Howard said he's not sure if he's sensitive enough to it. 50 said that they were making it feel the way it felt at that point in time. He said he used it to evoke emotions.
Howard said that 50 has put out this book and asked if he has pictures of him with his shirt off. 50 said he doesn't take his shirt off. Howard wanted to see him with his shirt off. 50 said he's not taking his shirt off. Howard said he wants to see him nude. 50 said he's not going for that shit. Howard said he just wants to see if he's fat or not, it's not gay.
Howard said 50 was shot 9 times and he was underweight after losing it all. Howard said he had to get out of the hospital and become a specimen for the community so they won't shoot him again. 50 said that it wasn't quite like that.
Howard asked 50 about working with Jay-Z and if he has any plans on working with him in the future. 50 said he might do some stuff with him in the future.
Howard said that 50 worked with Robert De Niro and he likes black women. Howard said he doesn't sense any racism with the guy. Howard said he doesn't know him but that's what he senses. 50 said that Robin is there all the time so Howard doesn't have a problem with black chicks. Howard said he has banged black chicks. Howard said he tried to get them from an early age. Howard said they would tell him that they'd get their asses kicked if they were with him. Robin said that doesn't mean he's not racist. Howard said that he has no problem with his daughters dating a black guy. Howard said if you do have a problem that means you are a racist.
Howard said he has been out with black women 3 times darker than Robin. He said it's time to stop the bullshit. 50 got a laugh out of that.
Howard asked where 50 stands on gun control. 50 said he doesn't think it's the gun control laws. He said he thinks it's the people. He said there is no way around those situations. Howard said he thinks that the guns that can fire off a lot of rounds then it's not right. 50 said they'd have to stop production for war if they did cut back.
Howard said 50 got shot and lost the weight. He said he had to build back up. Howard said he has been trying to work out and he can't bulk up. He said he wants to have a slender waist with muscles. He said everything is wrong. 50 said everyone has a different body and they have to make adjustments. Howard said his ass looks like cottage cheese. 50 said he might be a helpless case. Howard said he doesn't have to buy his book. 50 said he'd give him a free copy so he doesn't have to waste any money. He said Howard will see improvements if he does the work outs though.
Howard asked about what he should be doing. 50 said that he has to do cardio. He said he runs himself. He said he does 30-40 minutes. He said he tries to run fast too. Howard said maybe he should sprint more. He said he gets tired though. Howard asked what he sets his treadmill at. Howard asked how high he should set it. 50 said he does it gradually from 5.5 and then he'll walk at 3.9 and then he'll go up to 6.5 and come back down and then go up to 7.5 and then back down and back up to 8.5. Howard said he just launched through the wall. 50 said he'll work up to 9.5 too. He said you stay there for a minute and come back down. 50 said you'll feel like you've been on there less time if you do it that way. 50 said it's not the same speed the whole time so it's not so boring.
Howard asked 50 if he can eat a sandwich after that. 50 laughed. Howard asked what he should eat for breakfast. 50 said he can eat whatever he wants. He said Howard can have donuts today because it's just not going to happen for him. Howard said he's smacking him around like he does with DJ Whoo Kid. 50 said that's because he asked him about that sex stuff. Howard said Robin likes anal and she had an experience. Robin told him to stop it.
Howard gave 50 a plug for his book ''Formula 50: A 6-Week Workout and Nutrition Plan That Will Transform Your Life''
Howard said he has two guys there who want to rap for him. It was Sal and Jon Leiberman. Howard said they're awful. He said they think they're good but they're not. Howard had Jon and Sal come in to rap for 50. Jon said this was disrespectful to the street with what Sal was wearing. Sal said he's ''representin' you ass wipe.'' Howard asked if he is disrespectful. 50 said he's seen guys like that.
Howard said he'll give each guy a little time to rap. He asked 50 if he wanted to call it out. 50 said he wants them to rap about Django. Howard told Jon to rap about that. He gave Jon a minute to think about that. Sal said he would go first if Jon didn't want to. Sal started to rap when Fred played some music for him. Sal did his rap about Django. 50 said he gave a ''huh!'' like Run DMC.
Jon asked for a new topic. 50 told him that he had Django. 50 said he thought Jason Statham was going to be in there. He said he wanted Jon to rap about him. Jon said he'll do it like they do on the streets. Sal said they beat the shit out of him on the streets.
Jon asked what he wanted him to rap about. 50 threw out ''fitness.'' Howard said maybe he could rap about banging Chelsea Handler. He told him to go with that. 50 said this is his last time being there if they keep this up. Howard said he has to come back. Howard told Jon to rap about the hood instead. Jon did his rap and everyone laughed. Howard told Sal to pull up his pants. Jon did his rap about Slick Rick and then told 50 to do his rap. Sal said 50 was about to run out the door.
50 said that Jon did know Slick Rick's record. He said that Sal's outfit stood out. Jon asked 50 about Scoop Deville because he says that he could make them real rappers. 50 said he probably could. He said he can move things around and make it sound right. Howard told Jon and Sal to move themselves right out of there.
Howard said those guys love rap. 50 noticed the tattoo Sal had on his arm. Sal showed it and he had ''Fuck Whitey'' on one arm and a real tattoo of his kids on the other. Howard said no one liked his rap so get out.
Howard got back to 50 and talked to him about his book some more. Howard asked about the best food to eat for working out. 50 said that it's protein like chicken and egg whites. He said that he eats oatmeal too. He said he didn't like it at first but he does now. He said he doesn't calorie count but he does eat the same thing every day.
Howard asked 50 if he figured out a way not to jerk off. 50 said you have a girl around and you don't need it. Howard said 50 is dating a model right now. 50 said he's single. Howard said that's bullshit. 50 said he's not coming back there if he keeps doing this. Howard said he has the name of the chick. 50 told him to forget it. Howard read 50's four rules for not jerking off. He suggested not looking at porn sites, looking at women walking by, going to strip clubs or reading lustful magazines. Howard said he goes into the bathroom to jerk off so he can still do it when there are people around. Howard said he watches a little porn. Howard said he fucks his wife a lot but once in a while he likes to jerk off. Howard asked 50 what he has against jerking off. 50 said that it can confuse you. 50 said that he just put that on Twitter just buggin' out.
Howard was going to name the girlfriend but 50 threatened to walk out. Gary said her name is Daphne Joy. Howard saw a picture of her and said she's real hot. Howard asked if that's his woman. 50 said that she's just his friend. 50 said that's cool for his resume and he wouldn't be ashamed to admit it. 50 said he is single. Robin said she's single like him too. Howard said Robin loves him so much.
Gary said that it seems like they want to get 50 out of there. Howard said that he didn't think he was afraid of anything but he seems to be afraid of anal. Howard congratulated him on the book and said his publicist seems to think he has to get out of there so he respects that. Howard said that 50 is an attractive man. He said that's what Robin thinks. Robin said that's what Howard thinks. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he meant to ask 50 why he was the only rapper not invited to the Obama inauguration thing. He also said that Fred found a story about a study that found that aspirin can cause blurred vision. He said he was thinking about going on it but now he might not.
Howard said that Leonardo DiCaprio has announced he's retiring from acting. Howard said that means Booger from Revenge of the Nerds moves up a spot in the acting world.
Howard said he was reading about a stolen Torah and how he had to learn that thing as a kid. He said he had to learn it and then read it without vowels. Howard said you learn it because it adds to your street cred.
Howard said Barbara Walters fell down over the weekend. Howard said he she was in ''cwitical condition.''
Robin started off with a story about J-Lo talking about how tough things are with the kids now that she's divorced. Robin said they've been divorced for so long so she's not sure why they would ask at this point. Howard said maybe they're not bright kids.
Howard said he saw that Justin Bieber put a shot of his ass on Instagram last week. He said he thinks he saw his pussy lips. Howard said he did the same thing but all people saw was cottage cheese.
Robin read a story about Ray Lewis and the stuff he's been through. Robin said that some player's wife posted that on Twitter. Howard said years ago the wives were kept quiet. Now they have all of this freedom.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jon Leiberman sucks and he has to stop rapping. Howard said he thought Sal was okay but Jon really isn't very good. Howard said Sal had a whole get up on today. Howard told Jason to post a picture on the web site. Jason said it's on Twitter and it'll be on the web site too.
Howard said he read about a couple of strippers that got in a cat fight over a dollar. Howard said that one of them was pregnant. He was wondering where a strip club would have a pregnant woman dancing. Benjy said it was in Wisconsin. Howard read a live commercial and then went to break.
After the break, around 9:45am, Robin got back to her news and read a story about Prince Harry talking about being at war and what he was doing when he was in Afghanistan. Robin said he said that he went on scores of missions on an Apache helicopter and he has killed some people. Howard said he looks pretty big like he's been reading 50 Cent's work out book.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Robin is still at home. Howard said if you had a choice of working from home you'd do that. The caller also asked if Howard put up a fight to try and keep Sharon as a judge on AGT. Howard said he did ask if they could work things out but he didn't really put up a fight. Howard said Sharon and NBC went at it and they decided to move on. Howard said that he had meetings with Sharon and with NBC and they weren't able to work things out. Howard said he did stick up for her.
The caller also asked if he's heard who is going to be his co-host. Howard said he has not. He said they start to tape the show in March and they don't have anyone yet. Howard said he thought they needed it months in advance but they must not. Howard asked Robin who she would like to see in there. Robin said Barbara Streissand. The caller said he would like to just see Howard alone. Howard said he has suggested that. He thought about digging up Dick Clark or Sam Kinison to come and sit there with him too. Howard said he's not sure Barbara Streissand would do it.
Howard said he sits there thinking about who could be there with him and he doesn't fantasize about it. Howard said it's out of his control so he doesn't really care. Howard said he fantasizes about getting sleep instead.
Howard said he saw that a homeless woman pushed someone in front of a subway. She said that she had a fight with her boyfriend and she was hungry. Howard said he's not sure how she got a boyfriend because she's fat and homeless. Howard said it's amazing.
Howard asked which film Mel Gibson finds funnier, Django Unchained or Schindler's List. Howard said he's not sure why Jodie Foster is so into Mel Gibson. He said he read that someone posted a rumor that her baby's father is Mel Gibson. Howard said he had a phony public service announcement of Jodie talking about Mel Gibson. Howard said he had to explain that it was pretend.
Robin read more about Prince Harry and how the Taliban has called him a coward after his comments about being in the war as being like playing a video game. Howard said he thought that you were supposed to keep quiet about that kind of stuff when you kill people. He said good for him for killing the Taliban but he doesn't think he'd brag about it if it was him. Howard said he probably would brag if he was in the war. He said he would probably pose dead guys in a Santa suit and things like that. Howard said he wouldn't be cool about it like Prince Harry.
Howard said Richard's father was in Vietnam and he won't talk about it. Howard said he would be so proud if he killed Osama bin Laden. Howard said that he'd tell his mom that he was cooking his fingers and things like that. Howard asked Richard about his dad not talking about the war. Richard came in and said that his dad doesn't talk about killing people. He'll talk about being over there but that's it. He said they have reunions with his buddies and they'll get together and not talk about it. Howard said they just stare at each other.
Howard said he has a voice mail from Richard's dad. He hasn't played many lately. Howard said it's always about animals. Howard said that most of them are like friends but they're all food other than the dogs. Howard played the voice mail and Richard's dad always says ''Richard, this is your dad...'' He said he was there eating some rabbit. Howard said he could never eat rabbit. Howard said he must not know that he can go to the store and buy some food. Richard said they don't have rabbit though. Howard said that's because no one wants to eat that shit. Richard said he can't eat it because he saw a buddy pull out a 6 foot long tape worm out of one.
Howard played more of Richard's dad's voice mail where he talked about eating rabbit and squirrel. He was also talking about their dog keeping peace out there on the farm.
Howard said his dad will talk about killing animals but not people. Richard said he thinks some heavy stuff happened over there and he will never say. Howard said Richard's dad is good at hunting and he must be a great shot to shoot a squirrel in the head.
Howard said he would love to get Mr. Christy in there to talk about what happened in Nam. Richard said he's not sure he'd even want to know. Howard said maybe he flashes back when he shoots a squirrel. Howard said he loves that guy. Richard said he's a good shot too. He said he was a champion skeet shooter when he was in school. Howard thanked Richard for coming in and let him go. He read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the mother of the kid who did the shootings in Connecticut and how she never locked up her guns. Howard said she knew her son was ill. He doesn't get that.
Howard said Bob Lefsetz wrote an article about the show and he just gets it. Howard said it's rare that someone who writes actually writes about the show like this. Howard said he rarely receives anything nice in the press. He said this was very nice of him and he felt good from it. Howard read the article to Robin. Howard said the guy goes on and on and says that you're either a Stern Fan or you're going to be one and you just don't know it yet.
Howard said that Bob doesn't like AGT but he didn't spend a lot of time talking about that. Howard read what Bob was saying about the interview with the Nerds and with Kevin Bacon. Howard said Bob also says that he likes Jimmy Fallon for trying something new. Howard said Bob should just stick with him, forget Jimmy. Howard said it was a very nice article. He said he likes the guy even if he hadn't written that article. He said he reads his stuff all the time.
Howard said he likes that this guy appreciates the show and he's a critic. Howard said he would encourage other journalists to write the same kind of articles about his show. Howard said they can leave out the Jimmy Fallon stuff though. He said they could also write about America's Got Talent and say it was a good move. Howard said this did please him. He said that someone of note likes the show and wrote about it. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the two teams in the Super Bowl are going to be coached by brothers. Howard said that's one thing he did know. Robin had some audio the brothers talking about it being a blessing and a curse.
Howard said he had audio of a female Ravens fan crying and screaming after they won and got into the Super Bowl. Howard played the audio and said it was on the internet. Robin figured that it was put on because she knew she was being recorded. Howard said he's not sure if she knew it was being recorded. Robin said she must have a really empty life.
Robin read more about the two brother coaches. Howard wondered what the odds were that two brothers would coach and end up in the Super Bowl together. He said if he tries to think about that his head will explode. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about how a scientist says that he could bring a Neanderthal to life if they had someone who was willing to carry one. Howard said that's how Gary was created. Robin had some audio of some women saying that they would do it. Robin said she's afraid to give birth to a human baby. She said she could never do that. Howard talked about how Vladimir Lenin wanted to do something like that. Benjy knew a lot about it so he told Howard how he wanted to create a whole army of Neanderthal people. Benjy told Howard about some other experiments that have been done.
Robin read about how cold it is in many parts of the country including there in New York. Robin said it's the cold winds of winter whipping around our heels today.
Robin read about the video game company Atari and how they're trying to separate themselves from the parent company that owns them. Robin said they filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yesterday. Robin said they own more than 200 brands. Robin said they are still in the business. Robin said the parent company isn't doing well so they're trying to separate. Howard said he thinks that they need someone to own them or they're out of business. Robin said they have a lot of good names they could sell. Robin said they're successful and the rest of the company isn't. Howard said he thinks she has it wrong. Robin said she's right. Howard was going to look up the story but he wondered who gives a shit anyway.
Robin read about yesterday's inauguration day. Robin had some audio clips from the event as well. She had some of Obama being sworn in and his speech after that.
Robin said she thinks that Jesse Jackson is upset that he was never elected President. Robin said he thinks that Martin Luther King would champion and challenge the President. Robin had some audio of Jackson talking about that. Howard said that guy is a buzz kill. He said he should be happy and calm down.
Robin read about some anti-gay groups that are protesting Lady Gaga. Robin said that she's providing her fans with free mental health coverage. Howard asked who would be against that?
Robin read about the gun control laws that they're trying to pass and how people are trying to fight those laws.
Robin read about it being 40 years since Roe Vs. Wade. She had some audio of Obama talking about how he's pro-choice and he believes that women don't make these decisions casually.
Robin read about some of the people who were at the inauguration yesterday. She had some audio of Charlie Pride performing a song. Howard said he's a black guy and he isn't a rapper. He said Obama must have asked who the hell that guy was. Robin wrapped up her news after that.
Howard said he read that Christina Aguilera has demanded to see everything they shoot so she can see if she's fat. Howard said if she doesn't want to look fat then lose weight. Howard said he's not even sure if that's a true story. Benjy said it was in a bunch of gossip columns. Howard ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:30am.
Jon said he loves Leiberman but he can't rap. He said he tries but he's just not good. Steve Brandano said he doesn't think that they could be too cruel today. He said Leiberman didn't really rhyme anything and he mentioned that Slick Rick line twice. Jon said he just can't rap.
Sal came in so Jon asked how he thinks he did. Sal said he thinks he did okay even though he didn't know what the topics were. He said he thinks it made for a better segment today. Jon said he thinks that it hurt him a little bit because he had that outfit on. Jon said he thinks that Leiberman made a mistake by turning down topics. Sal said he took on the Django topic when Leiberman turned it down.
Jon asked Sal if he even knows what the movie is called. He kept saying ''D'Jango'' so he thought it was spelled that way. Sal said he threw out that topic and he didn't know anything about the movie since he didn't see it. He said all he knew about it was the use of the N-word 109 times. He said he didn't want to use it in the rap though. He said he would have brought it up if he needed to.
Jon said that they love Jon Leiberman but it was another struggle for him today. Leiberman said it was a struggle for him today. He said he has had two bad performances but he believes he can come back from it. He said he's going to break down the tape now and work on a few things he needs to work on. Leiberman said he didn't prepare the last time and today he did and still bombed. He said that he has a real rap producer who thinks he can help them and he would like to work with him one on one.
Jon asked Leiberman why he turned down 3 topics. Leiberman said that's a good question. He said he's not that familiar with the Tarantino movie but he should have just done it. Gary asked him to rap about the Wrap Up Show. Leiberman said he would do it if had a beat. Sal gave him a beat box and Leiberman did his thing. He didn't do a very good job with that either.
Leiberman said he's having an off day. He said he was a good rapper at a point in his life. He said he went 20 years without doing it. He said he knows he's smart and he can do it but he has to get back into that groove.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Leiberman raps the same way Gary pitches. He said Gary did the same thing with his pitch that Leiberman is doing with the rap. Leiberman said that he will be back and it won't be a joke next time.
Jon asked if Leiberman was intimidated by 50 Cent. Leiberman said he really wasn't. He said he wasn't intimidated the last time they rapped either.
Sal said Leiberman is like playing a game of basketball without any hands. Leiberman said that he would challenge Sal to anything else in life and he'll beat him. Leiberman said he may have an inflated sense of his ability to rap at this point in his life.
Leiberman said that he is as disappointed in his performance as they are. Sal said they're not. Leiberman said he has lost twice to Sal and he has to get better or give it up. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Sal about the rap battle and why he thinks that Jon failed. Sal said that he just didn't do it and he had an easy subject to rap about.
Jon asked Sal if he thinks that he's a good rapper. Sal said he thinks he has some skills. He said he thinks they're slowly coming back. Gary said Will is brutal when it comes to this stuff and they were both impressed when they heard Sal's rap. Sal said he was glad he pulled it off today. Jon asked why Sal pulled his pants down for Leiberman. Sal said that's all part of the game.
Gary asked about the rap suit he was wearing. Sal said that the guys think it's like old school and he likes playing homage to them. Gary said he thought it was ''Hommage.'' Sal said he thinks that's what happens to cheese when they homogenize it. Jon laughed and said you can't write this stuff.
Jon asked Sal about who he looked up to back in the rap days. Sal said the Beastie Boys were a big deal and that opened up doors for guys like him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he normally wouldn't give Sal any props but he thought that he was about 1/10th as funny as some comedians out there. Gary said he thinks that Sal is actually a pretty funny guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Jon Leiberman can't rap at all. Jon said Leiberman had to step out so he's not there to respond. Gary said that in his mind he was really good at it and people must have told him he was good.
Jon said that the 50 Cent interview was good and he'll talk about just about anything. Gary said Howard jokingly offended him when he asked about the anal thing. He said 50 said this was the last interview he was going to do there. Gary said they have him in there because he's so good with Howard.
Jon asked Ronnie what he thought of the rap battle. Ronnie said 50 Cent's entourage said that Sal won by unanimous vote. He said that they said Leiberman totally sucked.
Ronnie said 50 used to come in with a big entourage but today it was shrunk. Gary said the biggest they ever had was 17 people.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he knows Sal gets pissed off at everything and he was wondering if he's pissed that Richard is verified on Twitter and Sal isn't. Sal said he doesn't really care. He said he's good with it. Sal said he'd rather be vilified and not be verified. Jon and Gary didn't understand that.
The guys mentioned Sal's ''Foreskin Friday'' thing and how he had to put a stop to that. Sal said his wife put a stop to that. Gary said he wants to have a whole list of things that his wife has put a stop to. Sal said she put a stop to sex too.
Jon said that Sal seems to be a bit shaky today. Sal mentioned that he took his Propananol today. He said he doesn't want to shake but he does it and it's out of his control. He said he takes that drug to overcome that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked Ronnie if he can rap because he said he could rap better than Leiberman. Ronnie said he can't rap. Ronnie said Leiberman thinks he can rap and he really can't. He said he sucks.
Jon said he thinks that Leiberman can rap by covering rap songs but he can't freestyle. Leiberman said that's what he's grappling with. He said that he might have to give it up and stop doing it. Leiberman said that Sal was clearly dosing for this battle just like Lance Armstrong. He said he took extra meds for his shaking. Gary said this is the dumbest thing ever.
Jon asked Ronnie what's going on with Scott because he's confused by the whole thing. Gary said that if Scott does show up this weekend then what's his status. Ronnie said he really doesn't know because it's a whole thing. He said he's not involved with the negotiations. Leiberman said they interviewed Scott for the news and the whole thing is crazy.
Jon asked if Scott over complicates things. Ronnie said that's what he does. He said he's way too involved and he looks at every little thing from the airfare to the car they rent.
Gary said there was a period of time when he had to deal with everyone there about a situation they had and Scott was the most difficult to deal with.
Jon asked if Ronnie thinks that they'll get more people if Scott shows up to the event. Ronnie said maybe with the first show. He said he really doesn't know.
Jon said when Lisa went in to do her report today she was wearing the same thing as Beth. Gary said he loves Lisa but she totally knows where Beth shops and she had to know it was Beth's dress too. Gary said he's not sure what the rules are when it comes to that kind of thing. Jon said they were wondering if she did it on purpose. Ronnie said there is no doubt in his mind. Leiberman said that she is very calculating about the things she does.
Gary said in Lisa's own way she's in love with Howard. Jon said there is no doubt about it. Gary said she has a love for him that is like what Sal had when he first got there. Jon asked the guys if they think she's in love with him. Sal said he thinks that she is absolutely in love with him. He thinks she's obsessed with him, no doubt about it.
Jon asked what the guys think of Ralph's goatee. Ronnie said that it is weird how it's growing in kind of white on one side. Sal said he has a white patch on his but he just uses Just For Men. Gary said he's like a chick. Jon said he uses more make up than a woman. Sal said he does. He said he uses fake bake to make himself tan and he uses Rogaine on his hair. Sal said he uses Aveno cream and does the Crest whitening thing with his teeth.
Gary said you can see Sal's fake tan lines. Sal said you can because of the way he has to pat it down. He said it makes spots on him. Gary said his forehead gets an alligator look on it and he uses some special cream on there too.
Leiberman asked if he sues whitening strips on the white teeth he just got. Sal said he does. He said he knows that Howard would yell at him for that. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was trying to listen to a Riley Martin tape that JD just gave him a few seconds ago. He said the clip is 3 minutes long. He said that's the kind of thing he'd like to hear the night before. Howard said he's trying to figure out how they can make that happen.
Howard said he had a business dinner last night and when he got home he passed out. He said he watched the season premiere of Girls last night. He said he's behind a bit. He said he thought he was supposed to watch it with Beth. He said he wasn't allowed to watch The Bachelor because they're going to watch it this weekend.
Howard said he feels fat today. He said he weighs about normal though. He said he's just out of shape. Robin said it's sagging. Howard said he's going to the gym today. He said he's going to do the 50 Cent work out. He said he's been out of the gym for a month or so. Howard said he stops everything when he gets sick.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he is adopting the dog Casey that Howard was talking about the other day. He said he's picking it up in a week. Howard said he's not adopting the dog and leaving it at the shelter for a week. Howard told the North Shore not to give it to this creepy guy. He said some people really give him the heebie jeebies.
Howard said the band Caninus is a metal band that has a dog growling as the lead singer. Howard played a little bit of one of their songs. Then he played an opera version of the song that they created. Howard asked if that dog can actually perform. Robin said she thinks the dog actually died.
Howard said a lot of people like this opera version better. Howard said that Journey can replace Steve Perry but Caninus can't replace their dog. Howard said he loved that dog. Robin said she thinks he died of old age. Howard said he heard it was an overdose but they don't talk about it.
Howard said he wants to talk about the guests they have coming in. They have a mother and daughter porn team that performs together. They don't perform on each other though. He said that's apparently illegal. Howard said the mother is in her 50s and the daughter is in her 20s. Howard said they perform sexual acts in the same room. Howard said the daughter apparently dragged the mother into the business. He said that's the way it is a lot of the time. Howard said we'll learn about their life. He said he looked them up on the web last night and they're not bad looking. He said the mother is okay and the daughter is hot.
JD told Howard he has some clips to listen to. He said that they have boyfriends in this clip and they fuck each other's boyfriends to get back at each other. JD said that he has the clips up on The Sexxxtons page. Howard said that's their name. He knew that because he was looking them up last night.
Howard said he thinks the daughter is hot. He played a clip from one of their movies and the women caught each other cheating with the other's boyfriend. Howard was confused about what was going on in the scene. He had to ask what they were talking about. Howard said it was kind of hot when one of the girls was claiming the cum on her mother. It was the mother who had fucked the daughters boyfriend so the daughter goes and fucks her mother's boyfriend. Howard said she's calling her out on this. He said he's getting kind of upset about this whole thing. He said it's not very good parenting. Howard said the ending of this is worse than the ending of Fringe. Howard asked Robin if this makes her sad that she's never had a daughter.
Howard played more of the clip and said that the cops must watch this to see if they ever touch tongues or anything. JD said it is kind of strange to watch them in the same room when guys are cumming on them. Howard said it's funny that JD is laughing at all of this.
Howard saw he had another clip and in that one the mom is eating out a friend of the daughter and the daughter is giving her instructions on what to do. Howard played that clip and the daughter was telling her mom that women have other parts to play with unlike men. Howard said it must be hard for her to learn. Howard said that was from Meet the Sexxxtons. Howard said he can't even get his parents to get a TiVo. Meanwhile these people are having sex in the same room. In another clip the women were fucking a father/son team.
Howard said the daughter must be the big star there. He said she's really hot and the mother has a bit of a belly. JD said that it's not that bad though. He said she's pretty good looking.
Howard gave up on one clip and moved on to another. In that one the mom comes into the room while her daughter is doing something with someone else. Howard said he needs back story on this. JD said it's a bunch of short films and there really isn't a back story. Howard played more of the clip and the daughter was messing around with a girl and the mom asks if she can join the fun. Howard said the mom has to let her daughter have her own sexuality. Howard said just imagine if his mom did that to him. He did his mom's voice and made up a scene with her asking to eat out the girl's pussy.
Howard played more of the mother and daughter stuff and asked if the daughter ever does homework. Howard said he bets the mom is nowhere to be found when she has to do homework. Howard said ''what a mom.'' He said she's very permissive. Howard asked Robin if she and her mom ever did anything like this. Robin said they barely spoke.
Howard asked what the mom was wearing. JD said he thinks she's wearing a dress in that clip. He said she takes it off and she's just sitting there naked. Howard said that's crazy.
Howard ran out of audio. Robin said she was a little bored. Howard said she did quiet down a bit. Howard said he was fascinated by it. He said there aren't many mom and daughter teams out there. He said they're suddenly A-list.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to congratulate him on the 50 Cent interview. He said his story is interesting. Robin asked where this caller, Shandor, came from. Howard said he came from Candor. Howard said that he's kind of hard to understand today. Robin said she likes a guy who comments on 50 Cent's articulation and he has a hard time himself.
Howard said it came out that Beyonce was lip syncing. He said he's upset about this. Robin said ''Really?'' Howard said he really is. Howard said you're supposed to sing and you're not supposed to lip synch when you perform live. Howard said he fell for the lip syncing because it was done so well. Howard said the Marine Corps band had to go along with this and they had to make believe.
Howard said it's not fair to the other performers who belted out a tune. Howard said this is no different than the Lance Armstrong thing. Howard said you want to see a guy push human endurance and bicycle for a long time. He said this is a misrepresentation. Howard said he could have lip synced her song. Howard said he's not sure why she's there if she can't sing live. Howard said it puts doubt in your mind and you wonder if she can really sing.
Howard said he understands that she doesn't want to sound bad or forget the words. He said you can't do this and if you can't cut it then you don't show up. Howard said this annoys the shit out of him. He said it was a scam. Howard said she fooled everyone. Robin said she's not upset about it. Howard said he wasn't at first but then he read articles about it and now he is. Howard said he sounds like an old fogie and he remembers the Crosby, Stills and Nash ''Four Way Street'' album that was panned by the critics. Howard said they said they didn't sound the same as they did on their studio albums. Howard said it became one of his favorite records. He said he didn't want another studio sound album. He said the album was raw and he wanted that. He said he wanted a real, live performance.
Howard said he thought that Beyonce had blown away Kelly Clarkson and it turns out she didn't. He said it's insulting to the audience. Howard said he doesn't think they knew she was going to do that. Howard said according to the administration they were taken aback by this whole thing. Howard said he knows that in terms of the problems in the world this isn't that big of a deal. He said that things have happened in music that aren't good. Howard said that he's not sure that Beyonce was even really the singer.
Howard said 50 Cent said yesterday that Rihanna can make publishing with a song she doesn't even write. Howard said he was shocked by that. Howard and Robin talked about how Elvis would do that kind of thing too. Robin said he was being ripped off by Colonel Tom. Robin said those things go around.
Howard said Rihanna's song ''Diamonds'' was written by someone else. He said that's a normal practice for her to take the publishing according to 50 Cent. Howard said she was number 5 in the top 5. Howard said number 4 was Taylor Swift and The Lumineers was at number 3. Howard said number 2 was Thrift Shop. Howard said he doesn't even know who that is. Howard said number 1 is Bruno Mars. Howard said he knows he can really sing. Howard said if he was fooling him on Saturday Night Live he's going to kick his ass.
Howard said he'll play some real singers. He said he had Ed Torian at number 5 and Elephant Boy at number 4. He played another one with Big Foot at number 3. Howard said number 2 was Wendy the Retard with Landslide. Number 1 was the opera version of ''Jacking off to You.''
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who was in a locker room at work. Howard said he thought he was working out. King said he had to change his clothes for work. King said that the funniest part was when Beyonce took the ear piece out. Howard said he forgot about that. Howard said that she's such a phony. Howard said she should get up and sing live at any event she performs at. Howard said this is no different than Milli Vanilli. Howard said that you don't know that she's really singing her songs. Robin said it could be anyone's voice. Howard said it's unbelievable what's happening in music. Howard said she shouldn't have shown up if she can't sing live. Howard said there's no telling whose voice you heard at that thing.
King said that Howard never shows Beth's feet in his photos. Howard said that he showed her feet in the Christmas picture he put out. Howard said you can go on her Twitter feed to see that. King said he likes when she smiles with red lipstick and her teeth showing. Robin said the teeth are usually there.
Howard said he hasn't had time to take pictures lately. He said he's been very busy with work. Howard said he has to get everything in order for America's Got Talent.
King asked if Howard has a big wood table in his closet. Howard said he does. King said ''God damn!'' He asked if he can walk around in there. Howard said that's how he rolls. King asked if he has two doors or one. Howard said he has 2. Howard said he can walk in and you see his shitty t-shirts in there. Robin said that French doors means 2 doors. Robin said King keeps saying that. Howard said he's not saying that. Howard said he doesn't have French anything. Robin said that's a style of door. Howard said he doesn't want French anything. He said he calls them Freedom doors. They're American doors made by American workers.
Howard said he has a closet where he keeps his photography stuff. He said it's almost like an office. He said his jeans and clothes are in there but his photography stuff is in there too. He said he can sit in there and do work in there too.
Robin said Howard curses more when he's talking to black guys. Howard said that's just keeping it real. He said they like that.
King said that 50 Cent is very intelligent. Howard said he is. King said he's very street but he's very intelligent. Howard said he's interviewed him a few times and he knows he's intelligent.
King asked Howard if he has an infinity pool. Howard said he doesn't like talking about what he has but he does have one. King said that's insane. Howard said he has French doors too. King said if he had that stuff he'd be screaming. Howard said he doesn't really live that opulently. Robin said ''Oh please...'' Howard said he likes his home to be nice.
Howard said King is very consumed with ''things.'' King asked Howard to send him a picture of his closet so Howard told him to give him his phone number. King said Howard has the number. He said that he called him from a private number years ago. He said he called him up and said he was going to try to get him to do a show. Howard asked if he was on the air when he did this. Howard said he doesn't do nice things like that. Gary said Jason just said to him that when they first got there he would do things like that. Howard didn't remember doing it but King said he did. Gary said he would do it as a thank you to people. Howard said that must have been during his gay period. He said he's not calling him anymore. He said that's the last time he's doing that.
Howard said that King gets crazy when he hears about stuff he has. Robin said he gets all excited about this stuff.
Eric said he's not sure he wants to do a soap. Howard said he always surprises him. He said actors would kill for any part they can get when they're starting out. Eric said he's not saying he wouldn't do it. Howard said it's on TV. Eric said ''Right...'' Howard asked if it's true that he turned down the lead in Argo. Eric said no. Howard said he would love to take a movie like that and put Eric in it. Howard said he'd hire the rest of the cast and put Eric in it.
Eric said he would consider doing it. He asked where they tape. Howard said he thinks it's in Los Angeles. Howard said that this guy asked them to pass along Eric's number and email. Howard said he thinks they should get this guy on the phone. He said he has to interview the mom and daughter but maybe later Gary can get him on the line. Howard said they can come up with a role for him. Howard said he's not sure what's happening on the show. Gary said the show must be in trouble if they're looking to hire Eric. Howard said he agrees. Howard said that show has been around since he was a kid. Gary said it's not that long but it is a long time. Gary said a lot of the soaps are going out of business and they need the publicity.
Howard said a lot of these shows are moving to the internet. Howard said he never watches anything made just for the internet. Howard said some of the comedy web sites tell him to check them out and they're just shitty.
Howard said he would like to see Eric play a part where he has a woman locked in his basement. Howard asked if he would play that. Eric said no. Fred laughed. Howard said he would have to have his assistant tie the woman up.
Eric said he has been accused of that in real life so he won't do that. Howard said this isn't real life. It's a role. It's an acting performance. Eric asked Howard if he doesn't remember the modeling agency thing that he and Johnny came up with and how people were joking about him locking the women up. Howard said they were just joking about that stuff.
Howard said maybe Eric can play a soldier back from the war. He went to war looking normal and he came back looking like he does now. Eric asked if he was hit with a shrink ray. Robin said yes and laughed. Howard said he could have gotten hurt in the war and now he's in the chair. Howard said they can make it like his legs were blown off in the war. Howard said they can hide his legs underneath him. Eric said he doesn't know about that. Howard said he'd be a war hero. Eric still wasn't sure about that. He said he would have to consider it.
Howard asked if he would play a guy with AIDS. Eric said no because it goes back to something that he has been accused of in real life. Howard said that's ridiculous. Howard said he can't even come up with a character for this guy. He said he won't play a guy who locks women up in the basement. He said he won't play a guy with AIDS. He might play the Iraq war vet.
Eric said he would play a patient in a hospital. Robin said they'll put him in a hospital and give him AIDS. Howard asked if he would play firewood. Howard said he can play a log in a fire place. Eric said no to that one. Howard said maybe he can play a pimp. Eric said he might do that. He won't play a drug kingpin though. Howard said he could do this all day. He asked if he would be a drug kingpin but he was dealing in legal drugs. Howard said he's broke but he's dealing legal drugs. Howard said he's dealing aspirin and over the counter drugs. Eric said he'd have to think about that one too.
Howard said he has an idea. He said he plays a guy who has to come up with a new sport and he becomes a dog jockey. He said that he rides Great Danes and he wants the sport to take off. Howard said they can CGI him on the dog. Robin said he'd have a little buggy and the dog would be a trotter. Howard said that would work. Howard said Eric invents a new sport that catches on. He said he has a dog cart and the dog is pulling him. Eric said that sounds good to him. Robin said they're getting somewhere. Howard told Gary to get this Casey guy on the phone and get Eric back on in the 8 o'clock hour. Howard said he would watch this.
Howard said he had another idea. He said a Russian family gives birth and an American family adopts him and he has to convince them that he's a child. Eric said no. Howard said he's going with the dog jockey thing then. Howard said just imagine him being hitched to the dog.
Eric said he thinks the reason Beyonce was lip syncing was because of the fact that singing in cold conditions is tough. Howard said Kelly Clarkson did it. Eric said James Taylor was talking about how hard it is to sing in that weather. Howard said of course it does but Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor did it. Robin said she could have just played a record for them. Howard asked if Eric is upset about it. Eric said not really. Robin said they could make Eric a night club singer. Eric said they did that during the Macy's parade. Howard said that was known but this was her trying to fool people.
Robin said she thinks Eric could play a night club singer. Eric said he could do that but everyone has heard him sing. Howard said they'll have a real guy singing and he'll lip sync. Howard said they'll get Bruno Mars to sing and girls will go wild for Eric. Howard said even with his physical problems the women will fall for him. He said he'll be like The Beatles. Howard asked if he likes that. Eric said ''Yeah.''
Howard said maybe they can go back in time and Eric plays a Nazi in hiding. Or maybe they have him playing a Neo-Nazi who has pissed them off and now he's in hiding. Eric said no. Robin said maybe he could be a mom turn coat. Howard said maybe he plays a baby that was left on a step. Howard said they come out and find a talking baby. Howard laughed as he described that. Eric said no to that one.
Howard said Eric can play a guy who was seduced by a woman in Al Quaeda and he becomes an enemy of the country and he's contemplating blowing himself up. Eric said no to that. Howard said that's an interesting part. Eric wasn't going for that.
Howard said he could play a terminator from the future. He said he'll take care of this in the 8 o'clock hour. Howard said if they can get this guy on the phone they'll call him back. If not they'll call him next week. Robin said he could have a recurring role as a lounge singer. Howard said he'd rather have the dog jockey. Robin said that would be great with the different colored outfits for the jockey. Howard said he would watch either one but he likes the Dog Jockey. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that's a great song Fred was playing. Howard said he'd hire them to com to his inauguration. Howard said he thinks they could pull it off. Howard said he liked Michelle Obama's new bangs yesterday. He said he thinks she should do the big wig thing now that they're set for another 4 years. Howard said she could have a big afro or something. Howard asked where Robin is. Fred played a toilet flushing sound.
Howard wondered if Bill Clinton was turned on by Kelly Clarkson. Howard said she's kind of chubby so maybe Will would like that.
Howard said he read that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to get back with Maria Shriver. Howard said he thinks that his movie bombed so maybe that's why he wants back in. Howard said he'd like to see him get back with her and have the maid back too.
Howard asked if Robin was back yet. She wasn't. Howard said the new rumor is that Apple is going to go to the fingerprint technology to open up your device. Howard said Gary has already said that it's a stumble for them.
Howard said that they have The Sexxxtons coming in now. Howard said they listened to their mother/daughter porn clips earlier in the show. Howard said he likes the plot of their movie where the mom walks in and finds the daughter having sex. Robin said it could be the other way around too.
Howard asked if they will ever write anything different. Monica, the daughter, said that's what their fans like. Howard said the mom, Jessica, is always shocked by what's going on in her room. Howard said she has to be careful legally when they do the porn. Howard asked what the law is. Monica said that they can't have genital to genital contact. She said they don't want to have that kind of contact so they won't do it. Howard asked if they would ever do anything together. They said they have been offered a lot of money to do that but they won't do it.
Howard asked what it would take to get them to finger each other and make out a bit. Monica said there is no price. She said they've been offered $250,000 to be with each other out of country. She said it was in Italy. She said that was just a private thing. Howard asked if they would tongue kiss for a million dollars. they said no. Monica said their relationship is more important. She said that everyone fucks and that's normal but kissing her isn't normal.
Howard asked if she would lick her mother's asshole. Monica said no way to that. She said she has seen her mom's asshole but she would never do that.
Howard asked Monica and Jessica about how this all happened. He said that they have done over 40 films. He said they will blow the same guy but not at the same time. Monica said they have done that but the dick has to be really big so they can be at different ends working on it. Howard said they'd be too close if they were working on his cock. Monica said that she's fine as long as her mom's spit isn't near her.
Howard said that Jessica's husband left her when the kids were young. Howard said he was taking a wild guess at that and he was right. Howard said he must not have given her child support. She said that's right too. Howard asked where she met this guy. Jessica said that he was a blind date. Some family set her up on the date. Howard asked if she fell in love. She said she drank too much and had sex when she shouldn't have. That led to Monica being born. Jessica said she never married the guy. Monica said that she met her dad once and he was an asshole.
Howard said he heard the guy is such a douche that when they went after him for child support he moved home instead of paying. Monica said he was going to take her to his place. She was about 16 at the time. She hadn't been in school for 2 years because she was working and being home schooled. Howard said he heard that he took her on a drive and started yelling at her. Monica said she said the word ''fuck'' in front of a teacher and her dad picked her up and he started yelling and screaming at her. She said she didn't even know the guy and he's yelling at her. Monica said he kicked her out of the car and left her alone 2 miles from her house not knowing where she was. Monica said that she's showing him how dirty her mouth is now.
Howard said Monica dropped out of school in 9th grade. She said they were having some hard times so she had to. Howard asked if Jessica asked her not to do that. She said she didn't. Jessica said Monica was doing phone sex at 18. Monica said one of the girls was so fat that she needed 2 seats. Monica said she was good at the job.
Howard said both of these women are attractive but it's the oddest thing. Howard said it's a mom and daughter doing porno. Howard said there must not be that many out there.
Howard asked what mom did for a living. Jessica said she was bar tending. Howard asked if she dated. She said she did but it wasn't anything crazy. Monica said she was dating at 12. Howard asked if Jessica did anything about that. She said she didn't know what was going on. Monica said she dated a guy who was 21 when she was 12. She said that he was shorter than her and she told her mom that he was only 15.
Howard asked Monica how she knew about sex. She said she knew it from TV and from her friends. She said she was molested as a child too. She said that she told her mom about that and they took care of the situation. Monica said she was fondled. Jessica said they got her uncles and they paid him a visit. Monica said that they had a nice talk with him. It was street justice. Jessica said the cops won't do anything about it. Howard asked where they bury a guy like that. Monica said the guy is still alive but limping. Howard said he likes that. He said that's a good movie so he might option that.
Howard said Monica was dating a 21 year old at 12. Howard asked if she stays in touch with the guy. She said she know where he is. She said he introduced her to pot and cocaine. She said she didn't like anything but weed. She said that's all she ever does. She said that he knew she was only 12 too. Howard asked if she had boobs and had her period. She said she was developed by then.
Jessica said she found out and got a restraining order on him. Howard said it sounds like Jessica was doing all the right things and they still ended up doing porn. Monica said there's nothing wrong with doing porn. She said she has never been addicted to drugs or been to jail. She said she has never done anything bad. She said she thanks her mom for that and she thinks that this is fine. Howard said this can't be what she dreamed of her daughter doing. Jessica said when you're at a point and you don't have a lot of money you will do just about anything to make a living. She said she figured out that this was safe and a good way to make a living.
Howard said that Monica did a mercy fuck with an 80 year old. She was 19 at the time. Howard said this guy was dying of cancer and she fucked the guy. Howard said she's really out there. Monica said he was so nice and sweet. She said she's very sexual and a nudist. She said that she would be naked now if she could. Howard asked why she can't. She said it's freezing in there. Monica said she loves being nude. Howard asked why that is. She said that it could be a power thing with her. She said she's in charge and in control. She said she's the dominant one at home. She said that she was very rebellious as a child too. She said she could have just left if her mom made her wear clothes.
Howard said Jessica decided to either join in or lose her. Jessica said that's sort of the way it worked. She said that she learned how to handle her daughter. She said you can't tell her what to do but you can kind of guide her in what to do.
Howard asked about the 80 year old and how he knew he was dying and wished that he could fuck her. Monica said that's sort of the way it was. She said he didn't say he wanted her in bed but he asked if she would spend an evening with her. She said it was much more graceful than that. She said she felt so bad and she cared about him and trusted him. Howard asked if she went to his home or the hospital. She said he was at home. She said she didn't take any kind of payment for that. She said that his dick didn't get hard and he didn't cum but she tried.
Monica said she had a dinner thing set up so they did that. Howard asked if he asked her to go to bed after that. She said they did. She said she snuggled up close with him and made out with him. Howard asked if she talked dirty to him. She said she's not good at that. She said she's got conversational skills but not sex talk. She said that she was a phone sex operator and she wasn't all that good at it.
Howard asked Monica if she wanted to make the guy's last moments on earth good. She said she did. She said he had cancer everywhere. She said it was spewing out of his ears. She was laughing while she told the story. Monica said she had a lot of clothes on so she unbuttoned and unzipped and untied. Howard asked if she got nude. She said she kept her shoes on. She took his clothes off because he wasn't that mobile. Howard asked if he had pubes. She said he had some Asian woman shave him before this. She said it was all clean and it was like playing with a piece of putty. She said he didn't get to stick it in or anything. She said he never got hard. She said she performed fellatio on him and it was like lobster.
Howard asked how long she did it. She said she did it until he told her to come lay with him. Howard asked if he left her anything in the will. She said she asked him not to do that when he offered. Howard said she's a saint.
Howard asked Monica if she'll let a man go from his mom into her. She said he has to shower first. Jessica said she requires that as well. She said they have to clean up before going from one to the other. Howard said there are rules. Robin said she didn't know where the line was. Jessica said it's the magic of editing.
Howard asked Monica about how she got into this porn thing. She said her mom went first. She said that they both did porn for years before they did it together. Monica said she was the one who got her mom into the business. Howard asked how she did that. Monica said they had money problems and they were going to lose their home if they didn't get work. She said they hired her mom to do porn first. She said that the phone sex job paid well but she lost the job because she didn't have a car.
Howard said he is impressed with their acting skills. He said they're much better than a lot of porn actors. Monica said she's good but her mom isn't quite as good. Howard said he has a clip where Jessica's character is fucking her daughter's boyfriend. Howard played the clip and said this is the work of the Sexxxtons. Howard had played this clip earlier in the morning. Howard said it's a good premise. Monica said that most of the scenes are where they join in but this one they didn't. She said this was a little more realistic. She said that's one that she directed. Howard asked if she wants to direct. Monica said she would like to do that. She doesn't think she'll get a job in Hollywood though.
Howard said that they've gotten so famous they were on Anderson Cooper. Howard said he heard it went horribly wrong. Monica said it wasn't horrible but they had some comedian, one of the Wayans brothers, and he was attacking them. She said that he had some slick shit to say and they shot him down. Monica said that he accused her producer of being a pimp. She said that she owns her producer so that's not what's going on.
Howard said it sounds like a vicious kind of thing. Monica said they were able to hold their own. Robin asked what Anderson Cooper did. Monica said he was hiding out in the audience and not letting her talk. She said she had to raise her hand and ask to speak.
Howard asked what the game plan is. He asked if they want to retire eventually. Monica said they're going to shoot porn forever. Howard asked Monica if she's capable of loving a man. She said she doesn't think she is. She said that she's jaded. She said that she has had guys in the industry who have issues and they're not porn related. Howard asked her to finish the line ''Being with a man only leads to...'' and Monica said ''hell.''
Howard asked Monica if she's into women. She said she can fuck them but not love them. Howard asked if Jessica misses being in a relationship. She said she doesn't. She said she has a great time doing what she's doing.
Howard asked if he could hire them to fuck him. Jessica said that's illegal and she won't do that. She said she has to have signed releases and stuff. Howard said he could get cameras and a release to sign. Jessica said as long as it's legal then it's fine.
Howard asked about Monica's brother and if he'll do scenes with them. She said that he won't do that. She said that he's gross and he has hair growing out of places that she doesn't want to see. She said that he's a virgin and they don't want him to be on camera losing that. Monica said that he's only 19. Howard asked if Jessica would do a scene with him in the same room. Jessica said no. She said women are more open with each other than a mother and son. She said it's different. Howard asked if they would do it for half a million dollars. Monica said she doesn't know about that. She said if he's in the background and she doesn't have to see him then maybe. She said that he's seen them naked because she's a nudist in the house.
Howard asked if the brother, John or Luke depending on who you ask, is a nudist. They said he is not. Howard asked if they have been asked to do a reality show. They said that they were asked by Anderson Cooper's people to do that. Howard said they can't trust them because of the way they were treated on that show. Howard said they'll turn them into Honey Boo Boo. Monica said that's a disgusting family there.
Howard asked if there are any negatives to the industry. Jessica said the biggest one is that it's not accepted by the public. Howard asked if they're shunned by their neighbors. They said absolutely not. They said you can see their stuff at Sexxxtons.com
Howard asked if they're millionaires. Monica said not yet but they're close. Howard asked if they have enough to get their hands on $500,000 right now. They said no. Howard asked how long it'll take to get there. Monica said it might take a couple of years. Howard asked what he'd have to pay to get them in a porn. Monica said that she would get about 2 grand and her mom about 1500. She said they can make a lot from the web site. She said they can make 30,000 a month easily. Monica said they're getting ready to set up a web cam thing on their web site too.
Howard asked what they would do on the web cam. He asked if they'll be naked. Jessica said that they're not sure yet. They haven't done it yet. Monica said that they won't do sex on the web cam. They will have members sign up on the site and they'll get to talk to them live.
Howard asked about how many people subscribe to their site. Monica said she's not sure. She said they have over 1000. She said that their producer would know the numbers. Howard asked how many they had last time they checked. Monica said it was like 15,000 the last time they checked. She said that they charge $25 a month.
Howard asked what Jessica's mother thinks about this. She said that she thinks it's great. Monica said she's senile though.
Howard asked Jessica if she ever thinks about taking it in the ass and thinking it's weird to see her daughter doing it too. Jessica said that they both enjoy it and they're able to pay their bills. Monica said they just laugh and smile and talk about how much fun they had doing it. She said they both made 5 grand and they're just laughing about it.
Monica said she lucked out with her mom. She said she's the best and she's always been there for her in a way no one else has. Howard asked if she's shocked at what she sees her mom doing. She said she was surprised the first time but not anymore. She said it's amazing how much her mom can take in her too.
Howard asked if Monica has to tell her mom what to do. She said she has had to tell her how to do it for the cameras. She said her mom is good at looking in the camera while she's jacking a guy off. She said that she can keep her body in a good position too. Monica said her mom is coordinated but not as coordinated as she is.
Howard asked Jessica if she has ever worried about her daughter. She said she has worried but she wouldn't stop the filming or anything. Monica said she can take care of herself.
Howard asked if they've ever had anal and had doody come out. The girls said that they prepare before they do that. Monica said she's a pro.
Howard asked if they ever get together with the guys they work with on film. They said they only work with them and don't do anything off the set.
Howard asked Jessica how much longer she's going to do this. Monica said that she thinks another 5 years with her mom and then she'll retire her mom.
Howard gave the girls a plug for their web site Sexxxtons.com and then took a call. The caller asked if they would do an ATM from one ass to the other. Monica said no way to that. The caller also said he'd like to hear them on the Sybian.
Howard said he had their father on the phone. He had someone on the phone with audio of Alec Baldwin yelling at his daughter. Monica knew that it was recorded. She said that they listen to the show and they know how things work. She said that they loved the ''TOPLESS'' thing that Ronnie did.
Howard asked if Monica listened to them when she was growing up. She said she actually did. Howard said ''Uh oh...'' He asked how old she was when she stared listening. She said she's not sure. She said she would just hear it here and there.
Howard asked who Monica voted for. She said she didn't vote. Jessica said she didn't vote but she is registered. She said she didn't know which one to vote for anyway. Howard said you'd think that they'd go for Obama since it seems like he'd be friendlier to the porn industry. Howard said he supports abortion too. Monica said she had one and she wishes she hadn't. She said she thought she was going to be broke forever and never thought she was going to be able to support a kid. She said if it happened again she'd either keep it or give it up for adoption.
Howard said they could talk all day. He asked Robin what they learned. They went over a few things they found out today during the interview.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the internet says that Monica had her anus tattooed. She said she didn't do that. Howard asked if she has bleached her asshole. She said she hasn't done that either. Howard asked if she watches her scenes. Jessica said they don't like to watch themselves. Howard said that Monica did say that she doesn't know her angles so she should watch. Monica said she watches some porn but not necessarily herself.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested a scene for the girls. He said that the husband could get mad at them for spending too much on the credit card and he has to spank both of them. Monica said that they can't spank because that's too intimate for the two of them. They said that they don't want to do things like that. Howard asked how long it takes to make a porno. Monica said that it takes about 3 hours but then there's editing.
Howard asked who their inspiration is. Monica didn't know the name of the woman she was thinking of. She said she was very professional. Howard said maybe it was Blue Iris.
Howard asked if they were upset with Beyonce not singing at the inauguration. Monica said it was kind of wrong for her to do that.
Howard asked if they have ever had a guy pee or poo on them. They said they're not into that kind of thing.
Howard asked Jessica if there is a god. She said no. Howard asked why. She said that it's just a fairy tale to her. She said she knows about science and doesn't believe in any of that. She said she only has to answer to herself. Howard said that someone is raising her hand. Monica said if she was ever to meet her maker she would ask why they would say sex before marriage is a sin. She said what they do is not wrong. She said that they just fuck and they're made to fuck. She said that everything about her is made to fuck. She said they're there to make people happy and be happy themselves. Robin said they could make more money by starting a religion. Monica said that would be scamming people and she can't scam people.
Howard gave the girls some more plugs and asked why the majority of students can't point out things on a map. Monica blamed the teachers. She said she was home schooled and she did just fine. Howard said she must have been nude during class if she was at home.
Howard said he has to test Monica's home schooling. He asked what 9x6 is. She said it's 54. Howard said she got it. He said he was going to ask what 13+28 was. Monica said she didn't know. She said that it's 49... or 59. Howard said it's 41. Howard asked what a thesaurus was. Monica said it's a book with words that are better than the ones you are using. Howard said that's good enough. Howard gave them some more plugs and then wrapped up the interview and went to break.
Howard came back and said he had a lot to get to. Howard said he had to pick up from the 6 o'clock hour. He said he has Casey Kasprzyk on the line. Howard said he's the producer from The Bold and the Beautiful. Howard said they have to play more Hanzi theme songs. Howard had a new one which was a Metallica song with Hanzi's ''No, no, no...'' in it.
Howard got Casey on the line and then got Eric the Actor on the other line. Howard said that he got a letter from Casey Kasprzyk about getting Eric on The Bold and the Beautiful. Howard asked if there is any truth in the statement Robin made about how the show is in trouble if they're looking for Eric. Casey said that daytime TV is actually on an upswing. He said that he heard that every show Eric has been on has been canceled. Robin said Fringe actually ran its course.
Howard said that they ran through some ideas with Eric earlier and he has agreed to playing a part where he's an excentric billionaire and he's created a new sport where he does dog racing where he would hitch a chariot to a greyhound. Casey was chuckling while Howard was telling him about this. Howard said that when they want to kill off his character they can have Eric fall out of the cart and get trampled and eaten by dogs. Howard said he has to see that.
Howard said that was one plot line. The other one was Eric as a lounge singer. Howard said Eric would be in a lounge and the characters in the show would fall for him. Howard said maybe it's at a high end private airport or something. He said they could have entertainment for the characters and Eric is in his chair or balanced on the piano. Howard said then he breaks into his own version of Whole Lotta Love or something. Howard said he sings a great version of a song and the characters fall for him.
Casey said that's something they could do but he was thinking of combining both of them. Howard asked if he'd really be willing to do that. Howard asked if he could live in a Jack in the Box too. Casey said they take place in the real world so they don't have things like that. Casey said he was thinking he could be a retired dog jockey who has a job as a cabaret singer. Howard said he could do that.
Howard asked Eric if he would play an exercise guru who was in a car accident so he has to do it from his chair. Eric said no to that. Casey said the main thing is that he has to hear passion and enthusiasm from Eric. Howard said he'll let them talk then.
Howard asked Eric if he's into it. Eric said ''Yeah, I'd be into it.'' Casey asked if he has ever watched the show. Eric said no. He asked if he can remember dialog. Eric said he can. Casey asked if he can work fast. Eric said yes to that too. Howard said his wife worked on a soap for a couple of weeks and they throw a lot at you. Casey said they do two episodes a day.
Casey said he wanted to create a character that can reoccur. He said he doesn't just want it one time. Howard said that's why he has to be a dog jockey. Casey said they could have a picture of him on the piano of him as a dog jockey. Howard said they could work that into the script. He asked if Eric sings. Eric said no. Howard said he's going to lip sync.
Casey asked if he has had any acting training. Eric said he has not. Casey asked if he'd be interested in getting some. Eric said ''I guess.'' Casey said they have to take a part away from someone else so he might want to do that. Howard said Eric is the kind of guy who has no training and doesn't want to put any effort into it and just wants everything handed to him. Robin said he wants to play roles that are close to what he is. She said he's not morphing into anything. Howard said they like to say that he's like Marlon Brando without talent.
Howard asked Eric if he's right about him not wanting to do any work. Eric said he doesn't know about that. Eric said he would take lessons. Casey said their casting director could work with him before he appears. Howard asked if they can film that. He said he wants to see the casting director's head explode. Howard said he can imagine 7 hours in Eric is no better at it and the casting director has aged years. Howard said Casey walks in and asks how it's going and the guy asks if he wants to know the truth. Robin said they have to cart the director off the set. Howard said either that or he's hanging from the ceiling. Robin laughed.
Howard said Eric doesn't want to work hard to learn his craft. Eric said he's sure he would. Casey said the more work he wants to put into it the bigger the part will be. He said he'd like to work on something that's meatier than just a photographer at a fashion show.
Howard said maybe Eric could play evil twins or a good guy and a bad guy. Robin said maybe he can play a bad nanny who they catch on a nanny cam. Eric wasn't up for that. Robin said that would be Emmy stuff. Casey liked that idea too and said that part could build.
Howard said that Eric needs soda in his dressing room. He said that they have to lay out all of this stuff for Casey. Howard said that he's going to demand an oxygen tank and all of that. Robin said he won't have to fly though. Eric said he has to leave that up to Johnny.
Casey said they do have a budget so they have to negotiate this. Howard had Fred do his Eric impression and had him negotiating with Casey.
Howard asked Eric if he has to have Johnny talk to Casey next. Casey was laughing. He said he can promise Eric his name on the door. Eric told whoever is doing that to shut the fuck up. Eric said that's not what he fucking sounds like. Howard said maybe on Monday they can do the negotiating. He said maybe no one cares though.
Howard asked how many people watch the show. Casey said they had a 2.6 rating but they're seen around the world too. Gary said he saw they had a 3.7 rating last week.
Howard asked Eric if he's excited. Eric said it sounds interesting. Casey said he doesn't sound that excited to him. Howard asked how many days they'd need him. Casey said it would be one to start and they'll see how it goes. Howard asked what they pay a guy for something like that. Casey said for someone under 5 lines... Howard asked if they're really only going to give him 5 lines. Casey said that they'd have to figure all of that out. He said he has to go this boss and pitch this. He said that they'll negotiate with him with the travel and all of that.
Howard said they'll pass on his information to Casey. Eric said thank you after Howard gave him a hint to do it. Eric also said that he had nothing to do with those shows ending. He said Fringe was going to end no matter what. Howard said he thinks that Robin was kidding about all of that. Howard said they did cancel In Plain Sight which was Mary McCormack's show.
Casey said he'd like it if Eric watched The Bold and the Beautiful so he can quiz him on some of the stuff that's going on.
Howard said he thinks that this could lead to a role for Eric. Howard said he thinks that this will move forward. Howard said it might be the break that he's been waiting for. He said it could be a recurring role. Robin said if the show doesn't last then how can that happen. Casey said they've been on for 26 years so he thinks they'll be okay. Robin said she's not so sure about that if they have Eric on. Eric told Robin to shut the fuck up about that. He said he's not a show killer.
Howard said when other actors come in they're excited. Eric is acting like he's auditioning to be a house plant. Eric said it's very early there and he took Nyquil last night. Howard said that's no excuse. Howard said he can't wait to see this show. Fred and Howard did their Eric impressions and just made some grunting sounds and threw in a couple of words.
Howard had Fred doing what he thought Eric would sound like before and after his acting lessons. Eric told whoever it is doing that to shut the fuck up. Fred kept doing it. Howard said he sounds like the dog in Caninus.
Howard thanked Casey for the offer and said he'll see what he can do. Howard said Eric can thank him now. Eric said thank you and Howard said he had to drag it out of him. Eric said he was going to thank him if he prompted him to or not. Howard wrapped up and let the two of them go.
Robin said that's going to be great. Robin said he's going to have to take acting lessons.
Shuli said this clip is a Debbie the Pet Lady clip from when she was pissed at Jeff the Drunk won some money and she got pissed about it. They called Jeff's voice mail and let Debbie scream at him and leave a message. Howard played the clip and said she is just fucking nuts.
Howard said Gary got some voice mail from Debbie too. Shuli said that he got about 7 from her that he didn't even check. Howard said this is edited down because there are so many. He played the voice mail that Debbie left for Gary about how she's done with the show. Shuli said she always starts out saying she's not going to yell and then the second message is her yelling. Then she'll call back and apologize for yelling.
Howard played more of the audio of Debbie's messages for Gary. She was going off on him for the way they treat her and don't give her time on the air and don't trust her. They had some Mariann from Brooklyn clips in there too. Howard said it's endless. Howard said Gary said if you played his voice mail of the week it would be the identical voice mail. Gary said he gets the same people calling. He said it's Debbie, Bobo, Sour Shoes and a bunch of others. He said there's someone who leaves messages that they won't play because some of them are afraid of him.
Gary said Pittsburgh Pete left a crazy one too. Howard played that one and Pete was saying that he can't get on the show and it seems like Howard is spacing out his calls for months at a time. Howard said he doesn't plan this stuff out. He said he has hundreds of people calling in and he plunks down what he can. Gary said that there are super fans who think that he spends all day thinking about him. Shuli said this sounds like Hanzi's co-host.
Howard played more of Pete's message and he was talking about how the fans enjoy his phone calls. He said they put on a lot of calls from people who ask the same questions. Howard said he's not sure how they know that. He said they don't think about this stuff.
Shuli said he called into the show for years and no one told him that he made good calls to the show. Howard played more of Pete who was asking to be on the air at least once a month. He said he has plenty of topics and plenty of ideas. He said he thinks that he could increase his ratings if he put him on more. Howard said he's not against Pete and he likes when he calls in. Howard said he has a bunch of people on the line right now and he doesn't care where they're from. He said sometimes he doesn't even look at where they're from. He said it takes time to get to those calls.
Howard said Shuli did a show with Dr. Fish recently and he liked it. Howard said he did a good job on the show. Howard said the show is really good when the doctor tells people to check with their own doctor about the stuff they complain about. Howard asked when they're doing another one. Shuli said they're doing it Wednesday nights from 5-7. Howard said he thought he told Tim to make it one hour. Tim said they're going to one hour tonight. Shuli said they did 2 hours last week. Tim said fuck you to Howard and fuck you to Shuli. Howard said he thought they had a great hour long show. He said he thought the show was good and it could develop into something but he told Tim to make it an hour. He said it's up to Tim but he must not listen to anything he says.
Shuli said the first show was going to be 2 hours but he wasn't sure how that would work. He said they made the first one just one hour and then they did 2 hours. Howard said he isn't going to answer Tim about anything anymore. He said he's mad at Shuli for no reason.
Howard said they do have it scheduled for 2 hours tonight. Howard said they're going to do 1 hour. Shuli said he has no idea what's going on. Howard said Tim has the ultimate say but he asks his opinion and then doesn't listen to it. Shuli said he'll do whatever he needs.
Tim came back in and said that they're going to an hour and they had it mapped out. Howard said he had it mapped out for 2 hours tonight. Tim said that they did not. He said he wanted to hear the show and let them work together. Howard said that's fine, just leave him alone. Tim said he loves Howard and he is listening. Howard told him to get out there and be positive.
Howard let Tim and Shuli go and played more Hanzi song parodies. Then he read a live commercial and went to break.
Howard said that the Foo Fighters are inducting Rush into the hall of fame. Howard said he's heard that they don't want KISS or Bon Jovi in the hall of fame. Howard said he doesn't get the Bon Jovi thing. He said certain bands think they're cool and they don't think that Bon Jovi is cool. Howard said that KISS might make a joke out of the whole thing. Gary said that it took a long time for Mellencamp to get in because he wasn't a nice guy. Gary said he's cantankerous. Fred said there are a lot of pricks in Rock and Roll the hall of fame.
Gary was arguing with Doug from Howard TV about whether or not KISS should be in the hall of fame. They went back and forth a couple of times about that before Howard got to Robin's news.
Robin started off with a story about a priest who had to call 9-1-1 to get him out of handcuffs. She had Howard play the 9-1-1 call that she played recently during the news. Robin said that the guy had a bondage thing going on so he had something in his mouth too. Howard played the clip and then Robin said that the Archdiocese has spoken out and they're saying that it wasn't about sex, pornography or drugs. Robin said that they say he insists that he was alone the whole time and there was no sexual component involved. Howard asked if you can trust the church to tell the truth. Robin said the priest has taken a leave of absence. Howard said if there was nothing going on then he shouldn't have left.
Howard said Craig Gass has a problem with Gary. He picked up on Craig and Craig said he thinks that Gary is intentionally dismissive of KISS being in the hall of fame. He said he was never a fan of them growing up and this is about their influence. Howard asked if Gene Simmons is there with him and if he has something to sell. Craig said he actually is and put him on the line. Craig did his impression and apologized to Howard for Craig not getting to his point. Howard said they have like 20 million things to get to and Craig is calling in with this nonsense. Gene said that if you want to see Craig get to the point then go to KissOnline.com. Howard said he's bored with Gene too. He asked if Sam Kinison is there too. Craig went into his Kinison impression and yelled which cut out his phone connection. Craig was trying to get in a plug for a roast he's doing of Dee Snider on AXS TV. Howard said that call really threw him. He said that might be the worst one Craig has ever made.
Robin got back to her story about the priest who left the church after being caught in handcuffs and a ball gag. Robin said they're saying that he tied himself up and he has been sent off to learn how to not do this kind of thing. Howard did another live and took another break after that.
After the break, around 9:45am, Howard came back and said that this rumor about Jodie Foster and Mel Gibson is interesting. He said someone said that maybe her baby was fathered by Mel. Howard said he heard that Mel jerks off to Schindler's List so that's how she got the jizz for her baby.
Howard said he heard that Lindsay Lohan turned down half a million bucks to do Dancing with the Stars. Howard said he'd pay that just to see her walk a straight line. He said they could make a show out of that.
Robin got back to her news and read about some people who are upset with the Los Angeles Archdiocese. Robin had some audio of someone talking about them covering up for abuse in the church. Howard said that he was going to say ''an eye for an eye'' but then these guys would probably like going to jail and getting it up the ass. Howard said they should kill these motherfuckers.
Robin read about the Australian open and who won this morning. Robin had some audio of the winner talking about her win. Howard asked if she's still watching tennis. Robin said she is. She said she loves it. Robin said she tried playing it but she wasn't very good at it so she had to give it up. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about mining asteroids and had some audio of a scientist talking about that. Howard said he heard this joke somewhere but shouldn't a hemorrhoid be called an asteroid? Howard said that maybe they could call an asteroid a hemorrhoid. Robin said that would work. Howard played the audio of this person talking about the asteroid mining and how we can use it for studying asteroids too. Howard said it would be interesting if they found valuable mining things in the asteroids.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he and his buddies were betting on whether or not Howard still drives and if he has a car. Howard said of course he drives. Howard said he drives every week to the nail salon. Howard said he drives all the time. Howard said it's not everywhere but in his personal life he does. Howard said he has an Audi that doesn't have more than 4,000 miles on it. He said it's a good car though. He said he has a Mercedes truck he got years ago too. Howard said he got caught in a flood and he needed something higher. The caller said they'll have money for their ski trip now.
Howard said he's a driving instructor too. Howard said some people think he's a bad driver but he's really just a cautious driver. Howard said he doesn't need to get there super fast. Howard said he can take his time and get there safely. Howard said he's scared of other people on the road. He said elderly people walk past him on the road.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about how robots re going to take over just about everything we know as work. Howard said that's great. He said that they're not going to take over like in terminator. Robin said they will never become self aware. Howard said he's seen artificial intelligence and it's just a big box that plays Jeopardy. He said it's not that impressive. Robin said that these robots are going to take away work from a lot of people. Howard said it won't. He said we need a lot of industry around the robots. Howard said has seen the future and he wishes he was going to be around longer.
Robin read about Prince Harry's revelations about the Afghanistan war. Robin had some audio of a reporter talking about the Taliban seeing him as a target now. Howard said that kid has it made. He wishes he was a prince. Robin had a bunch of clips of this guy talking about what Prince Harry had to say about a few other things.
Robin read about a guy who wanted to find a woman to carry a Neanderthal. Howard said he wants Robin to do that. He said it's time for her to not lay barren. Howard said the ratings would go so high on this show if she did it. Robin said the geneticist who thinks we can do this wants to set the record straight. Robin said he has said that it's not at all true. Robin said he blames the reporters for misinterpreted what he said to a German magazine. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a British grandmother trying to smuggle 11 pounds of drugs into Indonesia. Robin said that she's been given a death sentence. Robin said that they know that the laws there are very strict so she should have known better.
Howard said he had some email to read. Howard said someone asked how big Robin's areolas are. Robin said she has no idea. Howard said he got some feedback about Lisa G's yellow jacket. Howard said someone asked about a Steven Stills song yesterday. Fred said he thinks it was Judy Blue Eyes that was on a ''Just Roll Tape'' album. Howard had a hard time getting the story out of Fred. Howard asked to hear the song he played. The song starts off with Steven Stills tuning his guitar. Howard said he had a fuck up right there too but who cares? Howard said this is real music. Howard said this is why he likes the album Four Way Street. Howard said they didn't lip sync. Howard let the song play through and said he wishes he could play guitar that well. He said he could never be that good. He said that's why he had to give it up. Howard said just imagine someone in the band comes up with this song. He said you blow him if he comes up with that.
Benjy told Howard about what the song is about. Howard said he thinks he has to get his Cajon and play along. Robin told him to hurry and get it. Howard ran over and got the Cajon so he could drum along with the song. Howard played for a short time but he was fucking up on that. He said he can't even play a stupid box. Howard told Benjy to look at him. He told him to stare at him like a groupie. He had Fred shut it off a short time later.
Gary came in with more information about the song and the band. Gary said they talk about this band in the book he got him. Howard said he'll never read that book. Gary told Howard about Rita Coolidge and how they called her to come to meet Graham Nash and she ended up dating Steven and broke up with him to go out with Graham. Howard said they're both retarded. Gary said that book he got him is so good. He said that they fought over the stupidest things. He said they would fight over how much time they got on the album and things like that. Howard said he'll try to read the book.
Robin read about Manti Te'o and how he's getting ready to talk about the girlfriend hoax. Robin said Te'o says he believed that the girl he was talking to was real. It turns out she never existed. Howard said he doesn't think he cares that much about the guy. Robin said the thing is that he kept acting like he was going through a loss even when he found out that it was fake. Howard said he's confused why he has 3 letters in his name and still has an apostrophe. Howard said he hates that in a name. He said even Gary doesn't need it. Howard said he wants to spell his name like this from now on...''Ho,ward'St'ern!'' then he said he wants the tilde over the E. He said maybe an umlaut over the O.
Robin read about some states that enacted some marijuana laws but they have to figure out how to get it to people legally without getting into trouble with the feds. Robin said the governor of Washington State has said that he's had good talks about it with the federal government.
Robin said a man shot a couple of people at a community college in Texas. Robin also read about the cold weather across the country. She had some audio of someone talking about the weather.
Robin had some audio of some people praying at some event. Howard asked if that was real or lip synced like Beyonce. Howard said that lip syncing thing really pissed him off today.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton going to Capitol Hill today to testify. Robin had some audio of someone talking about what they're going to be asking about.
Robin read about the family of the man who was killed in Algeria during a kidnapping attempt. Robin had audio of the guy's daughter talking about how safe he felt over there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard couldn't help from talking over that song earlier. Howard said that's regular radio. He said that he wanted to hear the song. Howard said this is Graham Nash on the phone. Howard said if he just played the music then he'd just be doing regular radio. Howard said his concept is to talk over it. He said he can go buy the record if he wants to hear it all the way through.
Robin had some audio of a guy from the NRA talking about gun control. Robin said they're even against background checks for guns. Robin said she's not sure why this guy is against that.
Robin read about 3 SiriusXM directors resigning from the company. Robin said that Leon Black is one of the guys who stepped down. Howard sounded shocked by that. Howard said that's the way it goes. Howard said Leon put him in there 7 years ago and said he was his Picasso or Leonardo DaVinci.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that Howard has to put him down every chance he gets. Robin asked what he's talking about. Jeff said he talks shit about him every chance he gets. Robin said she has no idea what he's talking about. Jeff said they didn't say anything about him today. Howard said that must be the problem. He went into a live commercial with Jeff on the phone. Jeff told Howard that Adam Levine is hosting SNL this week. Howard thanked him for that and ended the show around 10:30am.
After the break, around 10:35am, Jon had JD in the studio so he asked what kind of music he likes. Steve said they're going to be doing a JD's Playlist in February. Steve said that he is the most all over the place with what he likes. He has some Techno in there too. JD said he has other interests. He said he was a metal head and he still likes metal. He said he likes Slayer and Metallica.
Jon asked JD about the porn team they had in there today and if he would like to direct porn. JD said he's not sure. He said that the industry is kind of looked down upon and you can get stuck there. Jon said that he thinks that he could get away with it if he's doing it for the show. JD said he already did that down in the Bahamas. Gary asked if that's where he almost drowned. JD thanked him for bringing that up.
Gary asked JD if he thought Monica looked too skinny today. JD said she looks skinny in the video and she looked even skinnier in person. JD said that's not for him.
Jon asked who is into that kind of thing. JD said he would say Sal maybe. Gary said that's a pretty safe bet. He said Sal is the kind of guy who watches so much porn that he'd need a mother and daughter that he could pee on. He said Sal needs like 5 things going on at once.
Jon said that the girls were saying that porn is better than poverty. Gary said he gets that. He said that might be the easier road and it works for them. JD said that they might not have bigger aspirations to do anything.
Jon said that there are rules and they learned them today. He said they talked about touching and not touching and cleaning the guy up before going from one girl to the other. JD said they have no problem getting cum on their faces in front of each other. Jon said they did make that clear.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he saw a porn one time and he could swear he heard Shuli directing a porn. Gary said Shuli has had a lot of odd jobs so who knows.
Jon took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Don Imus impression and asking JD some questions. Jon told him to ask the question he had for Gary. Sour asked how many voice mails he gets overnight. Gary said he gets 20-25 and listens to a lot of them. He said he deletes a lot of them too if they're from the same person. He said Bobo has to leave his messages in 3s and he calls with the same thing every time so he might delete the third one in the middle of it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he listens to the show every day even when they play repeats. He said he was listening to the west coast feed and heard about the guy they had sex with who was 80 years old. Gary cut the guy off saying that they weren't going to give out names. Gary said that the girl did it because she felt sorry for him and it's not really her thing. The caller said that it's his uncle's thing. Gary said he's not going to try and set this guy up with her.
Jon moved on and took a call from a guy who asked if JD gets porn star's autographs and things. JD said there is an unwritten rule about doing that around there. Gary asked who he would try to get one from. JD said he's not a big autograph person. He said he's not looking for that. He said he's not into fleeting meetings either.
Jon said he can see some people angling to get close to those people. Gary said Richard was telling him about what a big fan of Revenge of the Nerds he is trying to get into that. He said Sal has calmed down a lot over the years. He said he used to be big star fucker. Jon said he's seen Richard asking for pictures and things. Gary said Richard would rather have a picture with Booger over someone like Alec Baldwin. Gary said he has had a talk with Tim Sabean about the photos and chats too. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from Craig Gass who said that he loves Gary because he's usually fair about everything. He said he's always surprised about how he feels about KISS. Craig said he wasn't a fan of theirs growing up but he became one. He said that it seems like Gary doesn't like them because of Sal. Gary said he loves getting under Sal's skin about it. Craig said he can tell by his voice. He said he's not really on point about it.
Gary asked what it is that he's said about KISS that's wrong. Craig said Gary says that no one has been influenced by KISS but there are a lot of people who say they were. He mentioned Garth Brooks and a few others. Gary said he's not impressed if Garth Brooks is one. Jon said he thinks that a lot of bands were influenced by their live shows.
Craig said that their influence is a big part of the hall of fame. Gary said he does it mostly to make Sal insane. He said he loves to rub that in. Jon said he had to wrap up the show after that. They were done at 11:00am.
Gary Art Discussed. 01/24/1992. 6:15am
Howard said he wants to make this party great by taking some breaks playing some classic bits and stuff so they can relax. He said he was talking to Tom Chiusano the other day to talk to him about this party. Tom wasn't there, he was out at a two hour lunch. He thought that was kind of ridiculous.
Howard said he and the guys spent a couple of hours drawing pictures of Gary after the show yesterday. He said that once you start, you can't stop and the teeth get bigger and bigger the more you draw. He said they had good intentions to write some bits and stuff but they end up drawing Gary and Dan Forman pictures. Jackie said they did write some stuff but then they got to drawing Gary.
Howard said they all draw these pictures and hang them on a wall if they're good enough. Gary said they're always too busy for anything else if he goes back there but they don't have a problem taking time to draw pictures of him. Howard said the pictures aren't funny until Gary actually looks at them. He said they make him read them before they'll let him bring anything up. He said Gary will try to laugh at the pictures but it's a fake laugh.
Robin said she's going to have to go back to the office to see these pictures. Howard said that Fred started the whole thing back when they started drawing pictures of Dan Forman. Jackie saved all of those pictures. Jackie said you never know when you'll need them so he held onto them. Jackie said they now have a gallery of Fred's art. Howard said it's all inside jokes too so no one would get it if they saw them.
Howard said he was trying to come up with a caption for his picture the other day and Gary came in and asked him a question so that ended up being the caption. Howard said that's how they spend there days back in the office. He said they also got a Spider-Man that they hung on the window to make it look like he was crawling up it. He said they really have to go back there to have fun and unwind.
In the clip Howard said he got a 13 page fax about enemas. He started to read the fax from this guy who said he's been getting enemas as long as he can remember. He said his mother would give them 5 syringes of warm, soapy water in them. He said his mother would make them count to 99 as she did it and then they had to go to the toilet to expel. Howard read that the mother wanted them to keep it in there so she wouldn't have to start over. Howard said the guy's sister and brother would struggle but this guy must have liked it. He said he tried to give himself an enema when he was 7 or 8 but he wasn't able to reach the bottle. Howard said this guy is an enema freak. He said they eventually moved and they kept the enema bottle where he could reach it.
Howard said this letter goes on and on. He said he's barely scratching the surface. Robin said she's very sad for this person. Howard jokingly said that this was the general manager of a very successful radio station in New York City. Tom Chiusano came in a minute later asking for his letter back.
Howard read more of the fax and said he has 15 pages of this. Howard asked Robin if she ever got into that. Robin said no. She asked why anyone would want to do that. Howard said his mother took his temperature rectally. Jackie said he got an enema when he was 14 or 15 years old. He said he was constipated though.
Howard read about this guy giving himself an enema and not being able to drain the sink fast enough before his mother found him. He said she didn't say anything to him and just drained the sink. The guy said he kept doing it over the years. He found that he could do it himself if he bent over the clothes hamper in the bathroom.
Howard said he'd like to tell this story on a talk show as if it were his. He said he'd go on like Roseanne and tell people that he's an enema freak. Howard said this guy goes into unbelievable detail.
Howard said the guy would do this for hours when his mother was out of the house. He said he would use an infant enema syringe. Howard said the guy didn't know how much to use so he'd just go until he felt full. Howard said he would take 70-80 ounces of water. Robin said that's over a gallon. Howard said the guy broke the syringe eventually. The whole family believed in taking the enemas for health. Howard said one cousin had one while the whole family talked about the benefits of it.
Howard said this guy would give himself enemas at other people's homes too. Howard read that the guy kept giving himself enemas as the years went by. He liked the feeling of the syringe going in and out. He said he eventually moved out of the house and got himself his own enema items.
Tom came in again and asked for his letter back again. Howard said the letter is unbelievable. Howard said there are people who are obsessed with this behavior. Howard said it's amazing. He said he's only on page 12 but he's almost done. Howard said he's not sure if they want to hear the rest. Tom asked them to keep some of it private.
Howard said this guy grows up and he gets into some sexual activity with it. Howard said he thinks he does it by himself though. Howard said suddenly Michael Jackson looks normal.
Howard read more of the letter and the guy talks about the blue syringe he got in college. He also had a feminine hygiene syringe to use. Howard said he shared a dorm room for 4 rooms and he had a hard time finding a private place to give himself the enema. Howard said that's the problem with college these days. He read more about what the guy would do and how he enjoys using the enemas to this day. Howard said that's the end of the fax. He wondered why someone would send that to him. Robin said you want to tell someone about that kind of thing when you do it. Howard said this guy is constantly unloading. He said that was a glimpse into the life of a guy who uses enemas.
In the clip Howard had Gary try to call his brother-in-law. Howard said that he doesn't talk much. Howard said that they're pretty much the same guy. Howard said they're both uncommunicative. Howard said he knows Fred pretty well. Fred disagreed. Howard said he talks and Fred doesn't. Fred said it's because Howard doesn't listen.
Gary said that he had his niece, Pam, on the line. Howard ended up talking to her for a short time. Howard said he's trying to get Richard Marx tickets for them. Howard said he doesn't get that. Howard said he got his younger niece the New Kids on the Block video. Howard said those guys suck. He said he shouldn't say that in front of his niece but she's street smart. Howard said she's going into the city with her friends now. He said he doesn't get that. Howard said his sister thinks he's a lousy father because he's over protective. Howard said he's really not. Robin said he is.
Howard told Pam that her mother didn't leave the house for the first 2 years after she was born. He said she was afraid to go out. Howard said that's over protective. Howard said his sister wouldn't even go to a mother's group during the day. Howard said she didn't want to leave the house for 2 years. Howard said his sister is the over protective one. Howard said he knows he gets bad mouthed in that house so he's going to dish on her. Howard said that his sister has kids who are considerably older than his kids. He said she couldn't wait to have kids. Howard said Pam is her burning passion and she can't wait to get out of the house and go to college. He said she's a good kid and his sister must have done a good job if you can give her credit for doing that.
Howard said his sister keeps their dog in a cage day and night. Pam said she doesn't so that. They kept it in there when it was a puppy. Howard said that dog isn't even allowed upstairs. Howard told Pam that she should know this about her mother. Howard said she was great to him but she has a flaw. Howard said he shouldn't critique her in front of her daughter. He said Ellen forgets that his kids aren't the same age as his kids. She thinks she was loose with her kids because she can't remember what she was like when her kids were the age of his kids. Howard said they kept her kids locked up like a veal. Howard said he was there to see all of this. Howard said he actually changed Pam's diapers. He said they weren't number 2 diapers, they were number 1. Howard said he would have done it but he didn't have to.
Robin said they must have been cloth diapers. Howard said he thinks they were. He said he prayed to god that she would just pee. He said he remembers putting her on the table and how nervous he was doing it. He said he got the diaper to stay on. He said she looked like Tarzan after he was done. Howard said that's why he's getting Pam Richard Marx tickets. He said she's a good kid. He said he finds Richard to be kind of weird.
Gary said he has the number for him. Howard said he'll get to it when he wants to. Pam said she had to get going. Howard told her to listen to this first. He said the thing about her mom is that she forgets that his kids are younger. Howard said she should remember what she was like at that age. Howard said he knows she's telling her kids that he's over protective and she feels bad for Emily and Debra. Ellen got on the phone and said that Howard is over protective. Howard pretended he was saying nothing but nice things about her to Pam.
Ellen said she's going to do this to his daughters. Howard said that Ellen forgets what she was like for the first two years. Ellen said that her kids were so good that she didn't need those mother groups. She said she made all of their clothes too. Howard said she sat home and made them like Betsy Ross. Howard said they were just about in cages like that dog of her's. Howard said they're great kids and she did a great job. Howard said all he said was that she goes around telling people that he's over protective and he resents it. Ellen told him to look at what he's saying about her. Howard said he didn't say anything wrong.
Howard said Ellen is always talking about how over protective he is. Ellen said that she has a lot of fears but she lets her kids go out. Howard said she lets Pam go into the city by herself. Howard said he wouldn't let his kids do that. Howard said he thinks he's reality based, not over protective.
Howard said he wasn't saying anything bad about Ellen. He said that today is the big day when they tell her husband if he can come to the Super Bowl party. Howard said this year is going to be out of control. He said he has 7 massage girls and a couple of strippers too. Ellen said that Howard is personally responsible if anything happens. Howard said he heard her tell his wife that he cheats. Ellen said she never said that. Howard said he has never cheated. Ellen said she knows that because he's afraid of getting a disease.
Howard said he has to hang up now. He said he can't take it. He said he loves his sister though. Howard said he saw her dancing ballet naked when he was a kid. Howard said she was developing at 9. Howard said ''what cans for a sister...'' Howard said he could hear noise coming from her room so he went and looked. Howard said he saw his mother nude coming out of the shower once. Robin asked how old he was. Howard said it was last weekend so he was 36. Howard said he was on a ladder outside her window.
Howard said his kids have seen him come out of the shower naked. Howard said the kids have come into the bathroom after he went to the bathroom too. He said that he's not threatening to the kids with his penis. He said Ellen's husband's penis would be threatening. Howard said he's fine with saying that. He said that there is no big deal about seeing your mom or dad naked. Howard said he thinks he saw his mom when he was about 7-9 years old. He said she came out of the shower dripping wet. Howard said she doesn't shave down her body hair either. Howard said it was pretty frightening. Howard said she was very mature. Howard said she covered up with a towel after that. Howard said women back then didn't groom down there. Howard said he thought she was wearing panties down there. He said it turns out it wasn't panties. Ellen said he's so gross. Howard said he's just telling her what happened.
Howard said that Ellen's kids turned out great. He said they'll see how his kids turn out too. Ellen said we'll see what happens as they get older. Howard said Emily is just like him and doesn't want to leave the house. Ellen told him to call her in 10 years and let her know how they're doing. Howard let Ellen go after that.
In the clip Howard talked about the news that they have a new Program Director at WYSP in Philadelphia. His name is Tim Sabean and next to that they had ''Tim Kelly.'' Howard said he changed his name. Howard said he's not sure why he'd change his name.
Howard read some of the press release they had about the new PD. Howard said they say he knows what he's doing and they're very happy to have him on the team at WYSP. Howard read about some of the other stations he's worked at. Howard said he's been everywhere. He said he's not sure that's a good thing. Howard said Sabean has brought a bunch of stations big ratings.
Howard said now Tim can be with someone who can actually think. Howard said they told him not to sell his house in Chicago. Howard said that's a cruel thing to put in a press release. Howard read some quotes from Tim about how this is where he wants to be. Howard said Infinity must have opened up their pocket book. Robin told him not to say that to Jackie. Howard started doing his Jackie impression and told him that he doesn't have to stop drinking the tap water there just because he told him to stop taking the free bottled water.
Howard read more about Tim and said that he has no problem with him as long as he leaves him alone. Howard told him not to come up with any plans that involve him. He said he will probably crumble in a week.
Howard said he doesn't care what they do the rest of the day on the stations. He said he couldn't care less if they made this station classic jazz. He said he wants to be treated like royalty though. He said when his ratings go down he doesn't want to be bothered. Howard said he's not sure how soon this guy Tim is going to be there. Robin said maybe they should call him. Howard said he'll tell him to just leave him alone. Howard said they used to tell him in advance but they didn't tell him about this new guy.
Howard said he's going to tell Tim not to worry about his show. He said he'll tell him to worry about the other shows on the station, not his. Howard said all of these guys think they know what they're doing. He said he knows what he's doing so just leave him alone. Howard said John Hayes used to do that. He'd tell them to change the news, change this, change that. Howard said he would tell him he didn't know what he's talking about. Howard said he should have stayed in his daddy's business. Howard said he told John to look at the ratings book. He had high ratings and all he had to do was worry about the other 20 hours of programming and he'd be a success. Howard said John told him that his show was keeping the rest of the station down because he wasn't ''fully integrated.'' Howard said he had a white man and a black woman working together, he was integrated. Howard said he told John that he didn't know what he was saying to him. John said the way they do the news is what they would expect the rest of the day. Howard said they should have just run his show all day then. Howard said you don't tune into his show for serious news. He said you go to Dan Rather for that.
Howard said they're going to get a hold of this Tim Kelly guy and straighten him out. Howard said he got into a fight with John Hayes. He said that he couldn't take it anymore and he had to shove him. He said John pushed him first and you can only push him so far.
Howard said he met another Fred Norris yesterday. He said that he was meeting everyone at a TV meeting and the guy said that his name was Fred Norris. Howard said he thought he was just saying Fred's name. It turns out it was his name. Howard said the guy was normal and it was freaking him out when he kept saying his name. Howard said it was like a nightmare where everyone is named Fred Norris.
Howard said he has a new bit to play. He asked Robin if she wanted to hear that. Robin said yes. Howard asked if he had time to play it. Fred said he did. Howard played the bit which was a ''Quincy Jones in Screwed Up'' bit. In the bit they had clips of Quincy making a speech while he was drunk and some other clips. They made it into a movie commercial parody. They went to break after that.
Sylvester Stallone Calls In. 01/24/08. 8:50am
Howard said that Sylvester Stallone was on the phone. He said that he gave him a 5 star review this morning for this new Rambo movie. Sylvester said that he knows that Howard is a movie watcher and he's happy to hear that he liked it. Howard said that if he sees a movie that he doesn't like, he just won't comment on it. He said that he got the movie but they had an armed guard come out and deliver it to him.
Howard said that he thinks that this is the best Rambo yet but Robin laughed at him when he said that. He said that the violence in the movie is very realistic and it makes you realize how bad real war is. He said that there is some really brutal stuff going on over in Burma and they show that stuff going on in the movie. Howard told Robin about how brutal the movie is and how he uses a .50 caliber anti-aircraft gun to shoot people and it's very graphic.
Robin said that she was going to call Sylvester ''Grandbo'' when he got on but she had second thoughts about that after hearing about how good the movie was. Howard told Sylvester that he did a good job with the movie and it's the best Rambo ever. Sylvester said that he agrees with him and it really was a good one. He said that the first one was new and fresh at the time. He said that there is a lot of skepticism in the air about this new one but he really thinks it worked.
Sylvester said that it took him a long time to write this movie. He said he was going to have him living in Arizona with a Mexican woman helping him out there and he'd have to go to Mexico to save a woman. He said that he figured that Rambo wouldn't live there anyway so that's when he changed it to this other story.
Howard asked Sylvester how his marriage is going. He said that he's doing great and he has his wife's face tattooed on his arm so he can't leave her. Howard said that there was one thing about this new movie that he didn't like. He said that when they were torturing the woman he saves, he figured that they were going to rip her top off or something. Sylvester said that the guy who captured her didn't like women so that's why he wouldn't do things like that.
Howard asked Sylvester about how he can stick to one woman when he's such a cocksman. he's been with some wacky women over the years. He pointed out that he was with Janice Dickinson and Brigitte Nielsen. Both of them have turned into some very wacky chicks. Howard said that he needs his help picking women. He said that Janice claimed that Sly used to inject her with juice. Sylvester said that the only thing he injected her with was his fist. He said that she's out of her mind and it's like she's driving with the brakes on.
Sylvester told Howard that he thinks that Brigitte Nielson was one of the least crazy chicks he was with. He said that Angie Everhart and Janice Dickinson were the crazy ones. Howard said that he dated Angie and she was very nice. Sylvester said he forgot about that. He said that she was very nice but there were some things that went on that were kind of odd about her.
Howard asked Sylvester if he ever misses going out and getting chicks like he did in the old days. Sylvester said that he loves his wife and he's kind of over that now. He said that after they talk he's going to be flying out and doing promotion in Europe for a couple of weeks but he won't be cheating on her. He told his wife to follow him, he doesn't care, because he's not going to cheat. He said that she thinks that he's going to cheat on her because he's done that in the past. He said that he screwed up 6 or 700 times over the years.
Sylvester said that one of the worst inventions ever was this TiVo because his wife will freeze frame stuff that she's seen him doing on TV interviews and stuff. Howard said that he has the same thing with Beth sometimes.
Sylvester said that he's had a lot of stuff come out about him in the past with people he's never met. He said that the stories that he sees must be being put out by certain celebrity's people. He said that he's not sure that the celebrities put it out themselves. He said that a lot of erroneous stuff comes out and no one is held accountable for it.
Howard asked Sylvester if he would sue over something like that. Sylvester said that he can't because it really has to cause you problems and you have to turn into a basket case before they'll award someone money.
Gary came in and wanted to ask Sylvester a question. Howard interrupted and thought he was going to ask about the Richard Gere story. That wasn't it but Howard went with that and asked Sylvester about how the rumor about Richard Gere and the gerbil story got started. Sylvester said that he didn't start the story but he played along with it for years because Gere thought that he was the one who started it. He said he would never start something like that.
Gary said the rumor he heard was one about Sylvester going into a trailer and getting oral while he had a wireless microphone on him. Sylvester said that he was doing the movie Demolition Man at the time and some guys on the set had set him up with about 30 blow up dolls. He said that he had to pop a bunch of them and he was talking to them as he was popping them. He said that they took the tape and made it sound like he was doing something with a real chick when it was just the blow up dolls.
Howard asked Sylvester about all of the roles that he turned down. He read that he turned down the Superman role. Sylvester said that he did go in for that but he was a little too short for it. Sylvester said when they told him that he asked why he couldn't just hover the whole movie and that was it. Howard said that Sylvester was also the first choice for the movie ''Beverly Hills Cop.'' Sylvester said that was true and he went back and rewrote the movie and it turned out to be something like Training Day instead of what it turned out to be.
Howard said that it has to hurt that he turned down Die Hard. Sylvester said that wasn't true. He said he did turn down Witness, Coming Home, Romancing the Stone and some others. Howard said he also turned own Face Off. That was true. Sylvester said he turned down Rules of Engagement too and he really could have used that one. He said it does hurt when he realizes that he turned down some of those movies.
The guys asked Sylvester why he thinks that Hollywood dislikes him so much. He told a story about going to the Oscars one time in a rented tux and how his tie broke right before they got to the event. He took the tie off and unbuttoned his shirt and showed up looking like a slob so he thinks that's just one thing that they've held against him over the years.
Howard told Sylvester that he's really done it with this new movie and his fans should go out and see it. Robin said that she's going to go out and see it of course. Sylvester said that Arnold Schwarzenegger went to see the movie and he used to be his biggest competition years ago. He said that he got a call from Arnold one night and they went over the movie together on the phone. He put his 15 year old daughter on the phone and she enjoyed it too. Howard said he's not blowing smoke up his ass and he really did like it.
Robin asked Sylvester how his art collection is coming along. He said that it's coming along very well, he just added a few more. Howard asked where his wife was. He said that she was in the other room probably wondering what the hell he's doing. He said that his mother is downstairs at his house, her spaceship just came in a short time ago.
Howard asked Sylvester about how many times a week he has sex. He told him it was like 7 times a week but his wife has to keep him at bay or it would be more. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. He said he learned a lot during that call.
Howard said that Sylvester's line about being able to hover as Superman was funny. He wondered why they had to get a good looking guy to play the part of superman. He said that someone like Artie playing the part would be great. He said he'd produce something like that. Artie said that he'd have to fuck more if he was Superman. He said he's mad that the guy doesn't fuck more. He said he'd probably gamble more too if he were Superman.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was reading a story about the merger and found that there was a mention of the merger happening on February 19th but that story was from a year ago. He said he got all excited about it and had to call in with that. He said he doesn't know where the guy on the phone got his information.
Howard said that a whole year has gone by since the merger was announced and he doesn't understand that. He didn't get why that caller was saying that the 800 number was saying that they were merging either.
Howard said it was great to have Sylvester on the show again. He said that he loves that his mother is in the house with him now. He's not sure how he can handle that. He had to go to break a short time later.
The Infamous Speaker Orgasm. 12/21/07. 6:40am
Up next we heard Jim talking about another legendary thing that Howard did on the show. He tried to have phone sex with a woman on the phone by making noise into the microphone so her big speaker would vibrate her. Robin and Gary said a few things about that and how they couldn't have even done that kind of stuff at K-Rock on their last day there. They didn't get into any trouble over it at the time though.
We heard the audio of Howard talking to this woman on the phone about what they were about to do. The woman had her kids with her and said she really hates this voice that she was hearing. She said the kids were in the other room. Howard told her to take off her jeans and he'd tell her when to do what she needed to. He told her to just take off all of her clothes instead of just her jeans.
Howard asked how she could take her pants off while she was on the phone. She said she just used her shoulder. She claimed she had her shirt on but her pants were off. Howard told her to rub her phone on her leg so he could hear what it sounded like.
Howard told the woman to turn up her speaker as loud as she could. It was just a clock radio but he said that should work just fine. She turned it up as loud as it could go and then Howard started to make these deep noises on microphone so it would vibrate the clock radio speaker like a vibrator. He kept it going for a little while and she said she could feel it. She said she couldn't stand his voice though. Howard told her to get back on the radio and he'd do it again. She said that his normal voice sounds nice but he puts on this radio voice that she doesn't like.
Howard told the woman to get back on the radio do he could do it again. He wanted it really loud because he wanted her to get off from his voice. She did it so Howard went into his deep voice again and started making the noises for her and started singing ''Old Man River'' for a couple of seconds. She didn't get off so Howard told her she was a cold fish.
Playboy Evaluations. 1/24/02. 7:15am
A couple of women came in this morning to be evaluated for Playboy. Judging the women were Ralph, King of all Blacks and comedy team Otto and George. George is a puppet for those who don't know them. Howard spoke to the judges for a couple of minutes first. Howard said King of all Blacks had his hair slicked back and it wasn't a good look for him. He usually braids his hair and this new look just wasn't doing it. Otto and George were making jokes as soon as they walked in but Howard couldn't really interview them. He quickly moved on to bring in each of the girls. First up was Amy (Web Site Link), a 25 year old stripper from North Carolina. She stripped down and showed off her breasts, which she claims are real, and got judged. All of the guys agreed that she's not really Playboy material but she could probably get in Penthouse.
The next girl, 19 year old Myah, came in and took her top off and showed her large breasts. She also claims they're real. The judges thought that she was actually Playboy material. Howard tried to get her to take her bottom's off but she refused even when they offered her $1000 of iWon.com money. Howard wrapped up the segment pretty quick after they were done evaluating.
JJ Abrams Calls In. 01/24/08. 8:10am
After the break we heard an interview that Richard did with a guy at a Star Trek convention. Fred also played a prank call Sal made to a pizza place using George Takei audio clips. Howard came back a short time later and said that he had JJ Abrams on the phone. He said that he met JJ back when he was doing the show ''Felicity'' which was one of his first big shows. JJ said he was around 32 years old when that show was on. He said that he had written some movies before that. He said he wrote ''Regarding Henry'' and ''Armageddon'' with about 800 other writers.
JJ said that he got Felicity on and then he wrote the pilot for Alias. Howard asked him if he ever got to bang Jennifer Garner. He said he was married at the time so that didn't happen.
JJ said that he ended up moving to L.A. from New York because it was cheaper to shoot out there than in New York. Howard asked him what kind of money a guy in Hollywood can make doing stuff like that. He said it seems like the writers don't make the kind of money you'd think they would. JJ said that it's tough to make that kind of money they used to make on syndication years ago.
JJ said that you don't make a lot of money on your first show, that's the toughest one to make money on. Howard wanted to know what kind of money he could make on a show like Felicity. He said it would be the minimum a writer could make. He said that you could make maybe 30,000 for every episode, which is 2 weeks long.
Robin asked JJ about the writer's strike and how that works for him. He said that he goes out and pickets in the morning sometimes and then goes in and directs the Star Trek movie. He said that it's very strange. He said that the writer's strike is a disaster right now because it's holding up so many projects. They've only been able to shoot 6 episodes of ''Lost'' for this new season.
Howard asked JJ about something he said on the show last time he asked if they were killing off Michele Rodriguez because she had gotten a DUI arrest. JJ said that they did kill her off but they didn't do it because of the DUI. They had other reasons. Howard said that the Asian guy on the show just got a DUI too so are they going to kill him off? JJ said that they don't kill off anyone because of a DUI. Howard said that maybe they should. JJ said that he hasn't had that much to do with Lost in the past couple of years anyway.
Howard said that JJ has another hit on his hands with this ''Cloverfield'' movie. He's just the producer on the movie. He said that he put together the team of people who wrote and directed it. Howard asked what kind of money he can make on that movie. He said that he gets a percentage of the take on the movie but it's a small percentage. He said that any studio or network can figure out a way to tell you that they didn't make any money. He said it's really hard to tell what they actually made in the end.
Howard asked JJ if he's going to go over budget with the Star Trek movie. He said that he tries to keep it under budget and he doesn't think that they'll go over. He's always conscious about that and he's always stuck to the budget. He directed Mission Impossible 3 so that led to Howard asking him if he went to Tom Cruise's wedding. JJ said he did and Tom flew him out to Italy for the wedding. Howard asked him some questions about Tom and his wacky comments lately but JJ had nothing but nice things to say about him.
Howard said that the guy who is playing Spock in the new Star Trek movie is the guy who plays Syler in the TV show Heroes. JJ said that he's great in that part too.
Howard said that Shatner is upset that JJ didn't put him in this movie. He played a clip of Shatner talking about that on the show when he called in recently. Shatner said that he didn't care but he did say some stuff about the movie that made it sound like he was upset. JJ said that he loves Shatner and he would put him in the movie if they had a story line there for him. They're going to have Leonard Nimoy in the movie though. JJ had an explanation for that and told the guys that he really would put Shatner in the movie if they had a place for him.
Howard read some stories about JJ and the deals he's made for movies and told him that it sounds like he's set for life. JJ said he was going to look up Howard's deal and talk about that too.
Howard took some calls and one guy asked if Tom Cruise ever tried to convert him to Scientology. Howard asked him to be honest about that. JJ said that he never tried to convert him, and he never tried to convert Tom to Judaism. He said that Tom is very intense about the things he does and that's why he loves his religion. He doesn't try to convert people though. Robin said that she doesn't believe that at all. JJ said that he's made fun of Tom for being as intense as he is but he's never tried to convert him.
Ralph called in and said that the new Lost got good again at the end of last season. He said that he loves it. Ralph said that he thinks that JJ needs to stick to one or two things and not get involved in so many things. JJ said that he loves doing all of this stuff so that's why he keeps doing it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his wife ended up puking during the movie ''Cloverfield'' because of the way the camera moves. JJ said that he would advise anyone who is pregnant or on medication from going to see it because it's like an amateur film shoot and it's kind of shaky.
A caller told Howard to get JJ off the phone because saying that the writer's strike is a disaster is just wrong. He said that 9/11 was a disaster, the writer's strike isn't.
A woman called in and said that she didn't like ''Cloverfield'' because she didn't know any more coming out of the movie than she did going into it. JJ apologized to her, especially if she puked on herself. Howard wrapped up with JJ a short time later and let him go.
Robin said that he created two of the greatest shows on TV, Lost and Alias. Artie said that he got a call from JJ after he got the job there on the show. He just wanted to congratulate him on getting the job. Howard said he can't believe that JJ doesn't put him in something. He figured that he must have seen his movie and saw how good he is at acting. He thinks that he should play the lead villain in the new Star Trek or maybe in Cloverfield. Artie said that he wants to go see why people are throwing up at the movie.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 8:55am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:15am.