Howard asked Robin how her weekend went. She said it went fine but he thought she might be a little depressed about her birthday for some reason. She said she was fine though. She turned 51 on Friday. Howard said she could pass for 30. He sang along to her news theme song about how she's gotten healthy and has triumphed over her weight. Howard was telling her she might be too young to be in the studio to see a woman get naked today.
Howard moved on and took a phone call from a guy in California who asked him what he thinks about the race for governor out there. Howard said there are a lot of strange people running like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Gallagher the comedian and Don Novello (Father Guido Sarducci). Howard said he'd vote for Arnold if he had to choose. Robin said the polls are showing that Californians are saying the same thing. They seem to want Arnold as well. Howard said he's supported Arnold over the years and he's not sure Arnold will do an interview with him anymore since he's running for governor. He said he'd support him for the race for governor since he has come on the show and supported him over the years. He also brought up how great he was to come to the movie screening for ''Terminator 3'' a couple of months ago. Howard said Arnold made him look good in front of his girlfriend's mother when he showed up to that screening. Robin said Arnold is going to be in Harlem today for some event. Howard went on to say that some people are going to say that Arnold's father was a Nazi. He said that Arnold grew up in Austria where a lot of people were Nazis and people should hold that against Arnold. He also said that Arnold was the one who revealed that information to everyone because he was appalled by it. He said that Arnold loves this country and he thinks he can probably do the job. Howard also said that Arnold is worth $200 million but he thought he'd be worth even more. Howard talked about some of the big movies Arnold has done over the years and wondered what happened to all of the money. Robin said she read that he's made $25-30 million over the past couple of years and that sounded light to her. Howard and the guys talked about the upcoming election for a couple more minutes. Howard said he thinks that the whole country should be allowed to vote in that election. Howard said he was asked to run as well. Their program director out at KLSX wanted Howard to buy a house out there so he could get in on that. Howard said he doesn't want to reveal his finances to do something like that.
A listener called in and said that Matt Lauer asked Arnold if he was going to discuss his finances and Arnold avoided the question at the time. Howard said he did end up revealing them though according to Howard. Howard played some clips of Arnold talking about that on the show with Matt Lauer. Arnold made it sound like he was losing the connection. Howard said what actually happened was that Matt was trying to go over in time with his interview to screw another morning show and the other show stopped the feed so they could get their interview started. Howard spent a little more time on that before taking his first break of the morning.
Howard got back to Arnold Schwarzenegger after that. He said he wants to back Arnold but now he's thinking that he might want to back Father Guido Sarducci because his sister was the Surgeon General a while back. He replayed the clip of Matt Lauer interviewing Arnold again and the guys pointed out how Arnold talks about the subjects he's asked about by saying ''...and stuff'' when answering. Howard said he can relate to that though so it's not a bad thing. He said he's for Arnold running. Howard said President Bush is also apparently backing him. Howard and Artie were doing their impressions of Arnold talking about all of the other celebrities who could be in the race.
Howard brought up this movie ''American Splendor '' that he started watching. He talked about how Paul Giamatti, who played ''Pig Virus'' in ''Private Parts'', is playing the part of Harvey Pekar. He said the movie is really good but hasn't come out yet. He said Pekar is also in the movie. He spent a short time talking about how ''Private Parts'' seems to have made Giamatit's career.
Howard said he took Robin out to dinner for her birthday on Friday night. Robin thanked him for that. Howard said Mr. X was also there so Howard talked about him for a short time. Howard said Gary and his wife were also there. He said he doesn't get to see Gary's wife very often and it's great to see her towering over Gary. Howard said they went to John George to eat but they served meat even though he requested that they not have any meat. Gary said he heard Howard say that twice but they ended up bringing some red meat meals anyway.
Howard said he went to dinner with Chris Booker and his girlfriend Linda Lopez as well. He said that Beth and Linda straightened something out over dinner. Linda had been going around saying that she thought Beth was in love with Booker so Beth had to straighten that out. She brought it up at dinner and confronted Linda about it. Linda admitted she'd been doing that and apologized for it. Beth said she's really not attracted to Booker even though she thinks he's a nice guy. Howard also said he talked to Linda about the stripper they had on the show last week who talked about Ben Affleck giving oral to her. Howard said Linda just laughed about the whole thing. He said they all had a good time out at dinner. Howard also said that they heard that Linda thought that Beth didn't make a living of her own and was living off of Howard's money. Howard said they brought that up as well and proved that Beth does make a living of her own. He said everything was fine when they got all of that stuff out of the way. Howard joked that Linda also accused Beth of being a kiddie porn director but they straightened that out as well.
Howard said tomorrow they have the Intern Beauty Pageant coming up and later in the week they have Lizzie Grubman coming in. Howard said she thinks that she's smart enough to take him on but he's not a big fan of someone who runs over 16 people and drives away. He talked about that for a short time and he's not sure what should be done with her but he thinks that she should keep a low profile. He said he read that she showed up to a party she wasn't invited to with 8 other people. He said you just don't do that kind of thing. Gary said she's kind of like OJ. He should have just left the country after what happened with him and people would have forgotten about him already. Howard said when they see pictures of her it shouldn't be at parties and stuff, she should be out there holding AIDS babies or something like that. Howard said they have guests like Robert Schimmel and David Spade coming in later in the week as well.
Howard said he had dinner with Mary McCormack over the weekend as well. She played his wife in ''Private Parts.'' He said she got married and this was a celebration for that. Gary brought up how great her boobs are and said he and John can talk about them for days. Howard spent a minute on that and said he had to take another break.
Howard said someone bought an original G.I. Joe doll for $200,000 at an auction recently. He said the price was originally $650,000 but it only went for $200,000. Howard said you know you have too much money when you spend that kind of money on a doll.
Howard got back to Arnold Schwarzenegger again and spent some time talking about that again. He said he knows that people are going to be digging up dirt on him but he thinks that it shouldn't effect his run for governor.
Howard had some voice mail to play. First up was the woman who calls in often to tell Howard what a scumbag he is. She was rambling about him looking like Barbra Streissand this time. He interrupted that to take a phone call from a guy who brought up Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking pot in his younger days. Howard didn't seem to think that would change people's votes though. He quickly got back to the voice mail and played more of that woman's ramblings. He then played Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) roasting Dennis Rodman. He went off on Rodman for not showing up on time for Howard's show. He also mentioned all of Dennis' hair color changes and asked ''What are you, a mood nig*er?'' Howard wondered what's wrong with Levy that he'd leave such an angry, racist phone call. Howard played another voice mail from a guy who leaves messages for KC quite often. He called as a principal of a gay high school who wants KC to work for them. There was one from the angry guy who leaves messages for Robin all the time. He was talking about licking Robin and also went off on Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. He yelled about some other things as well and ended up screaming at the end of each message he left.
Howard took a call from a guy who was complaining about him having Lizzie Grubman on the show. Howard said that he's going to be honest with her about what he thinks about her running over those 16 people. The caller seemed to think that would be pretty good if he actually follows through on it. Howard said he's not going to hide his feelings with her.
Howard played a couple more voice mails from the angry guy. He was screaming about the gay high school in New York. He also went off on the new ''Dance Fever'' show and the beginning of the E! show. He told Howard he needs to change that and called him a ''dancing fag'' as he ended the call. Howard said he agrees that they have to change that E! show opening. He doesn't like the way he looks in that and it's time to change it again. He called in Robin Radzinski from E! to find out of they have any plans to change it. Radzinski said she's been fighting for a new opening for the past 2 years. She said she hopes that his complaints will help get things moving with that. She said she'd like to see something ''New York driven... gritty and dirty... maybe without you (Howard) in it at all.'' Howard said he sees something with the camera pulled back really far from his face. He also suggested throwing in some highlights of his career like when he slapped the woman in the ass with a fish and stuff like that. Howard and the guys also threw in some other ideas before they were all done with the conversation.
Robin asked Howard if he saw any of the new Roseanne reality TV show. Howard said he just wasn't into it and didn't watch it. Robin brought up the fact that she made her sons Executive Producers of the show and they just sat around throwing paper balls at each other instead of actually working. Then Roseanne was wondering why her show wasn't working.
Howard played even more calls from the angry voice mail guy. He was screaming about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Another caller left a message for Gary and Artie and their pronunciations of some Italian words. Yet another caller was bragging about how he gave his neighbor some hickory chips to barbecue with and how he'd pissed on them. He said he watched as his neighbor cooked with the chips and laughed his ass off. There were more angry voice mail guy calls as well. The guy went off on Kobe Bryant and screamed about him buying his wife the $4 million ring. He also went off on E! News Daily for using Melissa Rivers as a fashion consultant. He screamed about that as well for a few seconds. Howard had to take a break after that so he could get to the naked chick and Win Fred's Money.
This woman Leslie came in to get naked just so her boyfriend could meet Howard. She came in and said she's only 21 and her boyfriend is 34. She said her mother thinks that he's too old for her. Howard said she looks like a nice, regular girl and wondered why she'd do this. He also said that she had some nice breasts. She was showing them off in a tank top shirt. Robin asked her how she met this guy. She said that he owned a bar and she was working there. She said she didn't start dating him until he sold the bar though. She's a bar tender so Howard asked her if she knew how to make this drink called a Mohito. She had no idea what it was though so Gary said that she probably opens up a lot of beers working out on Staten Island. She said that's pretty much what it is. Howard also asked her about tipping and what people should tip for getting a single drink. She said people usually leave a couple of bucks. Howard was also asking her how much drinks cost and how much a good tip would be. She said on a $6 drink a $4 tip would be great. Artie said he leaves great tips like that when he gets really drunk.
Howard asked Leslie how many guys she had before she met this guy she's dating now. She said she probably had 6 guys or so. She banged her first guy at 15.
Howard said that Leslie is a really good girlfriend to get naked just so this guy can meet him. Leslie said she's never done anything like this before but she did show some guys her ass one time. She said she got $200 to do that though. Howard had her take off her shirt and said she has really big boobs. She said they're like a D-cup. Howard told her if she lost 20 pounds she'd be killer. Then she popped off her bra and Howard said they were amazing. He said it was quite a shocker to see them. Artie sounded pretty impressed as well. She was talking about getting them bigger but Howard told her not to change them at all. She took off her pants as well. Howard told her to just lose 20 pounds and she'd be killer. Fred was also impressed and told her to go to Ballys and dump the boyfriend. She said she thinks that changing her birth control may have had something to do with the weight gain. She said she eats a lot of pasta and stuff as well.
Howard had Gary bring in Leslie's boyfriend Eddie while she was still naked. Howard spoke to him for a short time. Artie said he was surprised that Eddie didn't have two black eyes from Leslie's breasts.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd get fired if he didn't know how to make that drink Howard mentioned. A few other callers had some other stuff to add to the conversation as well. Howard let Eddie sit on the couch for about 30 seconds since his girlfriend had gotten naked for them. Howard then wrapped up the segment and sent Eddie and Leslie on their way.
Albi Hecht is the President of the new Spike TV network (formerly TNN). Howard talked about the mess they went through with the name change for the network when Spike Lee got involved with it. Howard said they were gearing it toward men and that was the name they felt was the best for it. Howard talked to Albi about that whole mess for a short time and asked how they finally got rid of Spike Lee. He thought that it all had to do with the judge asking for Spike to put up a bunch of money before the suite would go through. Howard said he thinks that he didn't get one cent from them. Albi wouldn't say anything about the kind of money they had to give up, all he would say is that they had to move on.
Howard told him he's proud to be working with Spike TV with his new cartoon. Albi said today they are officially Spike TV as of today. He was also talking about their relationship with Howard and his cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' that may be out sometime next year. Howard wrapped up the call shortly after that and thanked Albi for calling in.
Howard quickly played Gary Garver's interview with Cris Cristopherson as he was getting ready to break. Here are the questions, they went very quickly...
Howard said Saturday Night Live came out with a new Box set of the musical performances that they've had over the years called ''Snl: 25 Years of Music.'' Howard said that sounds good to him and he may watch it but he's not sure when he'd be able to do it. He said he'll probably just fast forward to the stuff he wants to see. Howard ripped through the list of performers and mentioned the ones he'd watch and not watch. There were a lot of artists that Howard said he'd be skipping past.
Howard had $500 cash to give away courtesy of that SNL DVD thing. He got a guy on the phone so he could play a game with him. Gary was in and he had TV show theme lyrics and the caller had to guess what show they were from. Here are the lyrics Gary read.... and they said this was Jon from JumpTheShark.com idea.
Howard asked Danielle about the Sci-Fi cafe as well and found out they have food like Vulcan Burgers and stuff like that there. She blanked out on some of the other names of the food they have there. She said they have some space alien stuff on the walls and stuff like that hanging in the restaurant. They also have video game systems for kids to play and a basement club where they can hold wet t-shirt contests and stuff like that.
Howard told Harry that he hopes he loses so they can see Danielle naked. Danielle told Howard how he just walked up to her at the cafe and asked her to come on the show with him. Howard read the flyer that Harry handed out where he offers women up to $2000 to come on with him. Harry said women seemed to be a little bit afraid of him when he asked them to come on the show with them. Gary said that he looks like the type of guy who goes to the Sci-Fi Cafe every night. He also said that he's a physics teacher. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about that and found out he got laid off from Morgan Stanley about a year and a half ago. He's been tutoring physics since then.
Howard moved on to the game. He had Danielle get naked in the little area they had for her. If Harry loses, they drop the screen so everyone can see her naked. Fred got sent into Robin's booth so he can't hear the questions. Howard then started the game and asked Harry the following questions. For those who like to play along at home, I've listed the correct answers below the questions.
Howard had the drapes drop so they could check out Danielle. Howard said she had a great body and she told him that she doesn't even work out. She said she eats out a lot too. She said she's a very physical woman when she works though so that's how she keeps the weight off. Howard told Danielle that her boobs were a little too big though. He said they probably feel like boob implants too. Artie said the only way to tell is to actually feel them. Danielle let Howard feel them to check them out. He said they felt nice and he wasn't catching any weird odors from her while she was standing there naked. Artie said he wanted to thank Fred for the win. Danielle also showed Howard her private part piercings and told him how great they are to have down there. She said it gives her a better orgasm and it helps when a guy is giving her oral. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who was playing with some Arnold Schwarzenegger clips talking to Howard. Howard bailed out on the call when it started to get boring though. He quickly mentioned that he's been playing the Terminator 3 pinball machine lately and loves it.
Howard took a call from a woman who had the wrong number. She thought she was calling a publisher or something so Howard played with that for a minute. He asked her how she looks. She said she's 40 and looks pretty good for a 40 year old. Howard asked her about her boobs and she said they're not big but she has a college degree. The woman was looking to get some phony headlines printed up or something like that. Howard told her she had the right number and they do that. She said she's a director and she's doing this for a music video. Howard was asking her some sexual questions but she didn't want to go there with him. She said she didn't want anything from him but she might want something from a woman. Howard eventually broke the news to the woman that she'd called the Howard Stern show. She didn't believe it at first and said she loves Howard and Robin. Howard had some fun with her and she seemed to enjoy it even though she couldn't find the company she was looking for.
Howard then took a call from a guy who was using Howard's voice to have a conversation with Howard. It was like dueling Howard's. Howard said the guy had some good clips that he played to keep Howard going for a while. He ended that call and had Robin start her news after that.
Howard said they had a packed show today including the Intern Beauty Pageant. He said that there are many prizes for the winner. They have a $5000 grand prize for the winner. They also have Playboy model LaTasha Marzolla coming in today.
Howard said that there was a lot of controversy about the fact that Lizzie Grubman is coming on the show later this week. Howard said that he was going to tell her what he really thinks of her but he just found out that she canceled her appearance. Gary said that he'd spoken to her directly and she was fine with coming in but someone must have gotten to her. He said she claims she has a scheduling conflict. Fred was playing some sound effects of cars revving and people screaming as he was talking about this. Robin said that running over 16 people while backing up is pretty difficult to do but Lizzie managed to do it. Howard said that she not only did that, but yelled at them after doing it.
Howard said Arnold Schwarzenegger is in town today but he won't be coming in to help them out. Howard said there are some people who do that to him for some reason. Gary said that Steve Martin is one of those people who claims to love the show but won't come in to do it. Howard said Sylvester Stallone is another one who does that.
Howard wanted to give Arnold some advice about his run for governor of California. He said that Arnold needs to learn more about the issues people are asking him about because he's heard some clips of him not being able to tell interviewers what he wants to do about certain problems. Howard played one clip where a guy asks Arnold about the paid family leave law in California and Arnold seems to not have a clue about it. Howard goofed on Arnold's answer a little bit but said that he's ahead in the polls right now. He said that's a testament to Arnold's career. It's obvious that people like him.
A listener told Howard he blew the Lizzie Grubman thing when he announced he wanted to have some of the victims come in to confront her. Howard didn't seem too upset about the whole thing though.
Howard was talking about how he was able to syndicate his show years ago and how Don Imus followed him and did the same thing. Howard said he heard that Imus is going to be dropped in Philadelphia today and Imus doesn't even know it. Robin suggested that they call Imus and break the news to him. Howard said he loves that he knows something like that before Imus even knows.
Howard said he had to take a break because Tom gets on him if he doesn't get to them soon enough. He ended up talking about Tom for a couple of minutes instead. He and Fred did their Tom Chiusano impressions and made fun of the fact that he has a rule about not masturbating that he came up with after surviving cancer. Howard said Tom also set up some rules at the golf club he belongs to and ended up yelling at a guy who didn't tuck in his shirt while he was out on the course. He also called the guy's father, who is also a member of the club, and told him about breaking the rules. The same guy saw Tom jogging on the course in non-regulation clothing so he confronted him on that. Tom never went back to jog again. Howard and Robin talked about how Tom even managed to take the fun out of golfing. Howard spent a short time on that and then took a break.
Howard took another call from a guy who also enjoyed the E! show last night. Artie's ass came up during that call so Howard ended up talking about the uncensored E! show he's been working on. He said he wants to have it out by Christmas but it's taking longer than he expected. He said that they have a shot of him getting spanked over his desk but he really doesn't want people to see his naked ass. He said he didn't even remember doing that on the air. Howard said he really doesn't want to put that part on the tape but now he has to since he mentioned it.
Melrose Larry Green called in and Howard immediately went off on him saying that he has other shows to do. Howard said he started appearing on other shows and he doesn't want him on now. Howard said he called them the other day crying that he wanted to be on his show again but Howard didn't seem to want him on so he hung up on him.
A caller asked Howard about the Howard Stern the High School Years cartoon and what's up with that. Howard said he regrets talking about that so soon because it takes forever to get that stuff up and going. He said he's got 10 shows in production at this time and there's a lot of work to be done. He said most of the production for the cartoon is going to be done in New York according to Howard.
Another caller told Howard that he has a ''Queer Eye for Ar-tie'' after watching the E! show last night. The caller also asked Howard if he had any prizes to win. Howard told him he has the $500 courtesy of the ''Snl: 25 Years of Music'' DVD set he talked about on the show yesterday. He had Gary come in and read the lyrics for a TV show from the 80's. Here are the lyrics and the correct answer:
A listener called in and brought up the Arnold Schwarzenegger thing again. They spent a few minutes discussing some of the stuff that's going on with that. The guy also told Howard to stop coasting (with the radio show) along in his career. The guy calls in just about every day to tell him that. Howard got off the phone with him and continued to discuss Arnold for a while. He played some audio clips of Arnold before he moved on to other stuff.
Howard said Ben Affleck was on The Tonight Show last night trying to explain what's going on between him and Jennifer Lopez. Howard said he didn't end up saying anything really. He played the clip and Ben tells Jay about going to this strip club that he went to for an informal bachelor party. Leno was giggling as Ben told the story. Howard said he would confront Ben about what really happened after the strip club when he went to Christian Slater's house and allegedly gave some strippers oral sex. Ben said he told Jennifer that there was going to be a story written about it and Jennifer just said ''Well, I guess you had your bachelor party.'' After listening to the clip Howard said Ben chats like a chick. He also wondered why Ben would perform oral on strippers. Ben went on to talk about how bad the movie ''Gigli'' was and how not every movie can be good. Howard pointed out that none of his movies are good except for maybe ''Good Will Hunting.'' Ben read some of the reviews that ''Gigli'' got. As he was getting ready to read them he kept clearing his throat. Howard and Artie goofed on that for a short time making throat clearing sounds over and over again. As the clip went on, Ben kept clearing his throat. Fred was playing clips of wrestler Goldust doing his act where he has tourettes. Howard wondered why Ben didn't warn everyone before the movie came out that it sucked. Artie wondered what movie Ben appeared in that was actually good. He said that Ben is just like him and hasn't appeared in any good movies.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the lawsuit he had against Telepictures. Howard said he did settle the lawsuit but he can't talk about it on the air. All he would say is ''I'm very, very happy... as they would say.'' He said he won't be mentioning the guys he's mentioned in the past. He had to take a break right after that.
Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) did another roast. This time it was for Star Jones. Levy says no wonder they call her Star, she's the size of a planet. He also says that she looks like what the Michelin man would look like if he fell in the mud. He says that he's not sure what would make him more tired, f-ing her or climbing her. He also said that after she takes a dump the toilet probably looks like a log cabin and she probably has to wipe with a towel. Howard and the guys got a laugh out of that roast.
Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Kobe Bryant and how much money he's going to end up spending on his wife after all of this rape case is done. Howard said she's probably demanding that he buy her the Statue of Liberty.
Howard read some e-mail he's gotten. One guy pointed out that President Clinton is getting $12 million to write his memoirs and his wife got $8 million. The writer pointed out that those are two people who testified under oath that they couldn't remember anything but now they can write a book about their lives.
Howard said one writer asked him what his biggest disappointment was over the past 10 years. Howard mentioned that it was something to do with George Lucas not being able to make a good sequel to the Star Wars movies.
Another e-mailer wrote in to tell Howard about their favorite E! episodes. They also asked that they lighten up on the censoring. Howard said they'll be glad to know that he's working on an uncensored E! show video that will be released sometime in the future. The writer was a prisoner from North Dakota who gets to watch the show on E!.
Howard read about some guy by the name of Anthony Quivers who has been mapping out space or something like that. It turns out he's Robin's nephew and he works for NASA. Robin said she's glad someone is finally cleaning up the Quivers name. Howard read about what the kid is up to with his research. He's mapping out 72 space clouds and doing some other stuff with them. Robin said she is pretty close to the kid so Howard told her that's a good thing. Howard said it's a good thing Robin's father didn't get to him. Robin said her father once said ''He'd be pretty smart if he wasn't so stupid.'' Howard continued to talk about the kid for a couple of minutes as he read the article. The kid is only 17 years old. The results of his work will be published in a science journal next year. Artie said he could tell the kid was smart when he met him. He said he knew that Anthony would be annoyed by him as soon as he walked up to him. Howard sang a song to the tune of Robin's news theme about Anthony. He had to take yet another break a short time later before getting to the Intern Beauty Pageant.
Howard said that the winner of the pageant will get $5000, a diamond pendant and a Brazilian bikini line. He quickly went through that and then introduced the first intern Rachel. The did the intro but Rachel was a little slow in getting in. KC was supposed to get them in but he screwed up for some reason. She was wearing a mini skirt and a belly shirt. Howard pointed out some of the stuff that they had in her bio. She's made out with a black guy and had sex with a Puerto Rican when she was in high school. She had sex in the library of her college, on a park bench and other places outdoors. She's also let her boyfriend handcuff her one time but she didn't like it. She's also been in a threesome before. She said she and her friend did a guy together but didn't do anything with each other. Howard started the contest and asked her what possessions she'd bring with her if she was stranded on a desert island. She said she'd bring a book, Big Black (wrong black) and suntan lotion. Howard had her perform the talent portion of her event. She sang a song parody of a Billy Joel song. She actually played the piano herself as she sang. Howard asked her how many years of lessons she had. She said she also wrote the song parody herself. Howard had the guys give their scores right after that. Here's how they scored her:
The next intern was Erica. She's the one that J.D. The virgin was trying to get a date with. She was showing a little clevage and claims that she's not a prude. She said she once had sex on a table saw at a wood shop one time. She also said she had sex on top of a truck at a concert. Howard asked her about being Scott the Engineer's intern and if she learned much there. She said she did learn a lot but he did yell at her one time. She explained how he yelled at her for messing with his computer one time but they became friends after that. Howard asked her who the meanest person on the staff is. She said she doesn't find anyone really mean but Stuttering John is the grumpiest. She said she didn't want to practice her song with him and he got upset and thought that she didn't like him. Howard had her perform her song parody after that. She sang a parody of an AC/DC song, ''You Shook Me.'' Howard was ready to get scores from the guys but Gary thought that he hadn't asked her a question yet. Howard told him he had and then asked the guys for their scores. Here's what they gave her:
The third contestant was Lindsey. Howard said King perked up when he saw Lindsey. She's still a virgin and she's 20 years old today. King said ''Young and tight'' after hearing that. Howard wondered if she thinks that she's a prude. She said she just hasn't been release yet and has gotten to third base with guys. She said she has had an orgasm with herself but not with anyone else yet. She said she's attracted to black guys as well. Gary said she has dated college football players in college and he can't imagine any of them putting up with that for more than a week. Gary asked her if she pleased him with her ''vowel'' which no one understood. Gary was trying to say ''vowel pouch'' meaning her mouth. Howard and the guys goofed on him for that for a minute. Howard went on to ask Lindsey who on the show hates her. She said she knows there may be a couple but Danny the Intern was one who came to mind. She said that he's kind of nasty and doesn't like Gary either. Danny was there so he came in and said that Lindsey is kind of pushy and yapping in everyone's ear. Howard had her perform her song parody to the tune of Madonna's ''Like a Virgin.''
Howard gave a quick run down of the prizes again and had Gary give the details about where they're all coming from. Howard also took some phone calls about the contest. One guy said it was disgusting that one of the girls was talking about getting black guys off. She mentioned that she has black relatives as well.
Howard moved on to the next contestant, Erica. Howard said she was dressed very provocatively. She said it was actually lingerie that she was wearing. She's 21 and all of the guys sounded like they were impressed. Howard asked her about some of the stuff he heard in her intro about sex and stuff like that. She also claims that she once had a paper returned to her by the professor of her class because it was too racist. She said it was just a miscommunication between her and what she thought she was being taught in the class. Erica also had a story about messing around with a former boss of hers. She said as soon as she finished her internship they started dating. She would only say ''maybe'' and ''possibly'' when they asked her how far the guy got with her. She also says that her father used to call her ''Baba Booey'' when she was younger. Gange asked if they could have her turn around so they could check out her ass. Howard said he's not sure that they need to do that though. Howard got the guys scores before she even sang her song parody. He had her perform it anyway even though the guys had already given her all perfect scores. She sang a song parody to the tune of Britney Spears ''One More Time.'' Here are the official scores:
Yet another intern was ready to be judged. Julie came in after Erica and the guys sounded blown away by her as well. She was in a mini skirt and a very low cut shirt according to Howard. She just turned 21 on Monday. Howard asked her about school and read some notes about her one night stand with an old boss of hers. She said she was 19 at the time. He was more than 10 years older than her. She said the guy actually fired someone so that he could hire her. She said he always flirted with her at work. They went out to dinner one night and went back to his place. She said there wasn't much foreplay that night and they just went at it. She said she was really disappointed because he was so quick. She said that she thinks college guys work harder than older guys like that. She also told a story about catching her boyfriend in bed with another girl. She said they just kept going at it when she left. Julie did a cheer for the guys since she was a cheerleader. Howard also had her perform her song parody but part of it was cut off for some reason. Here are the guy's scores:
Since Julie and Erica had a tie score, Howard had to do a run off. He asked the girls a couple of questions and found out some of the crazy things the girls have done on New Year's Eve. They quickly went through that and Howard asked them if either of them could fart on command. One of the girls offered to show the guys her underwear which seemed to get some votes. The other girl did the same thing so it may have tied up the scores again. Howard then had the guys vote again for the one they think should win the pageant. King of All Blacks picked Erica and Craig picked Julie so it came down to Gange who had to break the tie. Gange said it was the toughest decision he ever made but he had to go with Julie.
Gary presented Julie with the prizes and someone from Bally Total Fitness came in and presented her with the $5000 check. Fred also played Howard's father singing ''Never Walk Alone'' for some reason as Julie was getting the prizes. They presented the rest of the prizes that they had for the other girls. Howard took the list away from Gary because he was popping his ''P's'' in the microphone. He wrapped up that list and gave Craig a plug for his web site IHateComedians.com. He'll be appearing at Stand Up NY in Manhattan this Friday through Sunday. Mike Gange said the pageant will be airing next week on E!. Howard took a break after that.
Howard said that Nicole Kidman is dating Lenny Kravitz. He spent a little while talking about all of the chicks Lenny gets. He said that Lenny is quite a ''cocksman.'' Howard also read a story about Kim Cattrall taking off her top while she was out on a boat. Howard said she sure seems like she wants a lot of attention.
Howard spoke to King of All Blacks about his job and how he was docked pay today because he didn't go in. He had the day off scheduled so his boss docked him. King said that he's been there for 17 years and they still gave him a hard time because someone was out sick or something like that. Howard also talked to King about how he had a girl cry rape on him after she slept with him. King said that she was about to run out of the hotel room completely naked after crying that she was engaged and couldn't believe what she'd done. He said the cops pulled him over when they got back to New York and said that he'd raped the girl. He said she eventually changed her story and he got off the hook for it. He said that his lawyer tapped the phones and they got her telling him that she had to lie because of everything that was going on in her life. A couple of phone callers said that they didn't believe his story. King told Howard a quick joke before he left. He asked Howard ''What does Brooklyn and panty hose have in common?'' The answer is Flatbush.
LaTasha said that she's going to start wearing a cup in her matches because she once got kicked in the crotch and it really hurt. She said it was close to her stomach so that's where the pain came from. Artie gave Howard some pictures of LaTasha that he had. Howard checked them out and gave her a plug for her pay-per-view event and the Playboy Lingerie issue that comes out tomorrow.
Howard asked LaTasha about masturbating and found out she does it when she's not training for fights but doesn't do it when she is. She said she hasn't had a man or a vibrator for a couple of months now. Howard read some stuff about LaTasha and asked her about that as well. She claims that she lost her virginity at 13 but it wasn't very good. She denied having lesbian sex during a Playboy shoot but Howard kept on her until she talked about that. She said it was actually after a photo shoot. They went out to a bar and had quite a bit to drink. She said they went back to a hotel room and started kissing. LaTasha said the other girl was the aggressor and she was all over her boobs. She got oral from the other girl and then passed out. She said she did touch the other girl a little bit though.
Howard started to wrap up the interview but asked LaTasha if she'd demonstrate a little bit of a side kick. She stood up and showed them what she can do. Artie asked her if she ''really wants to do a sidekick.'' Howard said that Artie is a sidekick so maybe she'd want to do Artie. LaTasha said she thought Artie was gay though. They played with her a little longer and then went to break before getting to Robin's news.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in during the news to talk about a story that Robin brought up about a tough man contest where a woman was beaten into a coma and eventually died. Chaunce said he saw the fight and it was really brutal. He said the Ref just stood by and watched as the outmatched woman was beaten up. Howard also brought up Chaunce's botox injections and how he saw that on the TV show Chaunce did. Howard said he thought they dragged it out a little bit too long. He also said he didn't see any crows feet on Chaunce's face like he thinks he has. Chaunce said he does have them but the botox took care of them. He said his face was smooth as a baby's bottom just a few days later.
Howard was listening to his ''American Nightmare'' song at the beginning of the show. He pointed out when he was singing and when Rob Zombie was singing in the song he did for the ''Private Parts'' soundtrack album. He said he wasn't sure where to begin the show this morning. He said he went to see the movie ''Seabiscuit'' yesterday and it was a great movie. Artie wanted to go but he was recording voices for a cartoon he's involved with. Robin said it really was a great movie and her friends thanked her for telling them about it. Howard said that Jeff Bridges was good in the movie and mentioned some of the other movies he's been in over the years that he liked. Howard also talked about his father Lloyd Bridges and a TV show he was on that was really wacky.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered how he could like ''Seabiscuit'' and not the ''Matrix Reloaded'' movie. Howard was talking to the guy about that but his phone had a very strange alarm on it. It sounded like someone blowing a whistle for a split second every few seconds. The guy said it has something to do with the alarm system they have in the check cashing store he works in. Howard ended up talking to the guy about his job and how much he can make doing what he does. He said he makes $11 an hour and it's not that bad of a place to work. The guy said he cashes checks for welfare and stuff like that. He said he cashes checks for about $70 a week for people. Howard said that would last him about one day. Howard wrapped up the phone call after talking to the guy for a few minutes.
Bobo called in and told Howard that he was voted one of the top 100 Hamptonites. He was voted as one of the ''Anti-It couples'' of the area as well. Howard spent a minute talking about that and got Bobo off the phone a short time later. Howard said Beth was trying to figure out if that was a good thing or not. Howard said he thought it was a positive thing because he'd rather not be an ''It couple.'' Howard went on to talk about how he gets invited to a lot of stuff out in the Hamptons but he doesn't always want to go. He said he had a publicist for a while who he told to keep him OUT of the papers unlike most celebrities who want to be in the papers all the time. Howard said that when he's gone to some parties he's seen professional photographers taking pictures of invited guests. Howard spent a few minutes talking about how other people have photographers over taking pictures of everything that goes on at their homes.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Kevin Costner being on Larry King's show the other night and how annoying he was. He wondered if Howard ever interviewed him. Howard said that Costner made one of the best movies ever, ''Dances with Wolves,'' so it doesn't matter if the guy is annoying or wacky. Howard said he'll probably never get to interview Costner though because he's just one of those guys that just won't do his show. Howard ended up talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger after that. He said that he'll be urging people to vote for Arnold in the race for governor of California because Arnold has been good to him over the years. He and the guys talked about how Arnold doesn't really know much when he's asked about his thoughts on different issues.
A caller asked Howard what's up with him taking Friday's off. Howard said he's just doing it during the summer because it's vacation time and that's what they do. The guy seemed to be pissed off at him for doing that so Howard ended up hanging up on him. Another caller wondered why Howard gets upset about having his picture taken because he is a celebrity. Howard called the guy some names and said that the reason he was complaining was because it wasn't like he was making personal appearances or something, he was going to people's homes for dinner and they had people taking pictures. He took a break right after that call.
Howard replayed the Gary Garver interviews he played on Monday. Garver interviewed Mickey Rooney and Cris Cristopherson but Howard only played the Mickey Rooney clip.
Howard brought up the Miss World pageant because one of the contestants performed a scene from ''Erin Brockovich.'' He played the clip of the woman, who had an accent, doing the scene. Howard wondered why she would do it in English. Robin said it was a sure sign of no talent. Howard and the guys were goofing on the horrible read she did.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said he had a fun fact for the show. He said that his father made all of Mickey Rooney's teeth. Howard asked Chaunce who made his hair. Chaunce said they know that story already so Howard quickly moved on.
Melrose Larry Green called in but Howard wasn't too thrilled to put him on the air. He said Melrose has been doing other shows again and he doesn't like him anymore. Gary came in and said that Melrose told him he's an addict for the attention and he has to call in to other shows. Howard told him he was going to give him some tough love and told Melrose he's off the show. He said he's had it with the guy already. He told him to go get help if he's an addict.
A Kobe Bryant impersonator called in and asked Howard when the Intern Beauty Pageant is going to be on the air. Howard said he thinks it's going to be on Monday of next week. Another caller asked about last night's E! show with the ''Hunting for Bambi'' chicks. One of them turned out to be a transsexual so the guy wondered how Howard was able to tell she was a dude. Howard said there aren't many guys who can fool you with that stuff. He said there is one out on the streets of Manhattan that comes close to fooling him but there's just something about them that isn't right. Howard went on to talk about how those guys will never be women no matter how hard they try.
Howard asked Stuttering John if he knew what this phone caller was talking about. A guy called in and said that Jack Osbourne killed a dog on the last episode of ''The Osbournes'' last night. J.D. The virgin came in and told Howard what was up with that and how it was all an act. The guys ended up talking about how great Ozzy is and how they don't have enough of him on the show. They were talking about some of the shows that have been going on with the latest season of the Osbournes. Howard also said that Ozzy and Sharon's lawyer contacted him because they're being sued by some guy who claims he came up with the idea for their show. Howard said he gave them tape of his show where they were talking about having a show where cameras follow them around so hopefully it'll help them out with their case.
Howard brought up a story in the paper about Heidi Fleiss and Tom Sizemore. He said the two of them were on the show together one time and Heidi said she didn't like Tom's movie ''Black Hawk Down.'' He apparently took her home and beat the crap out of her after she said that on the air. Now every time they talk about this case they bring that up in the news reports. Howard said now Sizemore has tape of them doing an interview after his interview where they were talking about loving each other. He said she's probably still claiming that they went home and he beat her after that interview though.
Howard talked to Corey about some of these places he went to pick up women. Corey said that he's not in a relationship right now because of the article. He said his girlfriend broke up with him because of it. Howard went on to talk about this one woman he picked up at a funeral. Corey said that he wasn't invited to this funeral, he just went to a place where there were a bunch of funerals going on. He said the woman was about 35 and Hispanic. He said they handed out cards at this funeral that have a lot of information on them about the person who died. He used that to help him pick up this woman. He said he could have had a date with the woman but never did. He was just doing this as research.
Corey told Howard about picking up a woman at a Scientology meeting. He said it seems to be a good way to find a woman with poor self esteem. He said that there were some really good looking chicks there and he picked one up that was like a model. He said she was actually a stripper. He went out with her 2 or 3 times until he made the mistake of telling her what he was actually up to. He said he told her he was a screen writer and that's why he was actually at the Scientology meeting.
Howard said Corey also picked up women at a gynecology office. Corey said he dated one that he picked up there for quite a while. A listener called in and said if he saw a guy like this at a funeral he'd throw him into the casket with the dead person. He didn't think it was right that he was taking advantage of people at a funeral. Another caller was going off on the guy saying that he's probably still a virgin. Corey said he went out with the woman from the gynecologist office and got to bang her.
Howard said Corey also suggests that people go to places like sexaholic meetings, lesbian bars and places like that. Howard said he likes the Scientology meeting thing because hot chicks go there to meet stars.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he picked up a chick at an abortion clinic. Howard said he's heard about that and it's a good place to find women. Another caller said this guy is a douche bag and not all of these ideas work for him. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later and said the article is in the latest Playboy magazine. You can also check out some of his stuff at his web site CoreyLevitan.com. Howard said he was surprised that so many guys were giving this guy a hard time. He was just trying to give them some advice on picking up chicks.
KC came in to talk about Al Franken and how he doesn't know who he is. Howard spent a few minutes talking to KC about his wacky behavior. He said that KC missed work the other day because he hadn't gone to the dentist for years. He finally went and had to get an emergency root canal done. He was supposed to go 3 times but only went the first time. He said he was feeling better after the first visit so he didn't go again. Then he had major problems and had to go to the emergency room to get some pain medication. He said he's going to get it done the right way this time. Howard also brought up the psychiatrist thing and asked him if he's going to go anytime soon. KC said he's going today. He said he also got a different prescription for the anti-depressant drugs he takes. He said he's on something different now. Howard said he really wants KC to go to the psychiatrist because he needs help. Artie told Howard that he took Paxil and Lithium at the same time and it really helped. He said he felt emotionless when he was on that stuff. KC said that's what he wants. Artie said the Lithium made him really crave cake and he always wanted to eat cupcakes and stuff like that. KC is on Zoloft now and Howard said he heard that it causes problems with getting erections and stuff. KC said he doesn't have a problem with that though. Stuttering John came in and said that it will eventually cause him not to be able to ejaculate. KC said that won't be happening to him but John said it will happen.
Howard read a bunch of e-mail about Artie's ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' make over the other night. Some people loved watching Artie getting drunk and yelling at the gay guys. In the middle of that discussion Dominic Barbara called in to talk about the psychiatrist thing. He wondered how Howard could say that he needed less help than he does. Howard told Dominic that the reason he's going is to become a better parent and a better person. Dominic said he goes for the same reasons but Howard said he doesn't think Dominic will change. Howard said he thinks that Dominic is impossible to live with and he'll have had 5 marriages by the time he dies. Dominic seemed to think Howard was nuts. He also told KC that he really does need to go to this psychiatrist.
Gary came back in and said that the guys in the back room discuss KC and how he works every weekend but is still broke all the time. Gary said they think that the gambling he does leads to the depression and stuff. He asked KC how often he gambles. KC said it all depends on the kind of games that are going on. Howard told him he should take $20 a week and invest it. He gave KC some advice on the type of investments to get into but KC thinks it's just as bad as gambling. Howard told him to plan for the future but KC said he doesn't think like that. Howard said he remembers the days when he was making only $96 a week. KC said it's different today though. He said he's paying $1600 a month for rent. Howard told him that Jason and Will are paying like $600 a month for rent. KC said that they got a great deal and he wasn't able to find anything that cheap. KC kept saying that all he wanted to do was play this game he had to play. Howard told KC that Luis their board operator had an apartment that was costing him only $800 a month. He said he left the place a month ago and he did tell KC about it. KC said he has a lease so he wouldn't be able to get out of it right now anyway. Artie said he lives in New Jersey and it only takes him 12 minutes to get into the city. KC said he lived in Jersey City for a year but now he's back in the city. Artie was trying to give KC some advice about gambling so Dominic called back and said he thought that was pretty funny. Some other people were calling in talking about how crazy KC sounded wit hall of this stuff.
One guy brought up the E! show from the other night with Artie's gay make over. The guy said Gary was huge but he loved Artie's sister Stacey. He said all he could think about was banging her. Gary said he was thinking the same thing. They spent a minute on that before getting to KC's game.
KC had lyrics to 1980's songs that he read. The caller had to guess who the artist was and what song it was. Here are the lyrics:
Howard said there was another guy on the phone who wanted to sleep with his sister. He them put on Jeff the Drunk. Artie ended up doing his impression of Jeff a little bit. KC said he tried calling Jeff yesterday and his mother hung up on him. Howard seemed to find it funny that he still lives with his mother. He spent a few minutes talking to him about that for a short time. KC told Howard about calling Jeff yesterday and how rude his mother was to him. Jeff said his mother isn't like that though. Artie continued to do his impression of Jeff while this was going on. Jeff said that he went to a job interview but the people there didn't believe it was really Jeff the Drunk. They wanted him to mention their names on the air but the guys told him that wouldn't help him get a job. Jeff said it was for an escort service. A short time later Howard said he'd like to see Jeff the Drunk in a remake of ''American Gigalo'' or ''Pretty Woman.'' He said he guarantees it would be huge. KC asked Jeff when he starts drinking. He said he hadn't started yet but he wrapped up last night shortly before midnight. Artie, as Jeff, said that he starts drinking as soon as his mother gets up and starts her crying fit. That's when she realizes that she's Jeff the Drunk's mother.
Howard took a couple of calls from guys who had some names for his uncensored DVD. They had names like ''Howard Stern Un-Tom'd,'' ''Midgets, Bitches and Beer'' and ''Howard Stern Man Spackle.'' Another guy said ''Howard Stern in the Raw.'' Howard didn't seem to like any of those names though. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and suggested ''Howard Stern on FIRE!'' as a name for the DVD. Howard couldn't take her for long though. Richie from E! came in and said they came up with a short list of names for the DVD including:
Howard had Gary bring in Robert Schimmel and his daughter Jessica. Jess was wearing a t-shirt that said ''My Father married my best friend and this is all I got.'' Howard said that Bob is the number one comedian in the country. That was in Howard's book, not an official statement.
Jess told Howard that she brought this guy she's dating along with her on family vacation and he was hanging out with her step-mother who used to be her best friend. She ended up asking the guy if he would bang her step-mother if he had a chance. He said ''Of course I would, she's hot!''
Bob told Howard that he has a 2 month old child now and he gets mistaken for the grandfather sometimes. He said his daughter is 25 years old and his latest kid is 2 months old. Howard told him ''that's great spacing...'' Bob also told Howard that his ex-wife has told him that she'd take him back if he wanted to come back. Jess told Howard about her relationship with her father and how she doesn't get along with her mother that great. She said her mother is a little bit bitter about the whole marriage thing. She said her mother tells her how her father cheated on her through their marriage but Jess likes her father. She said she'll probably never get married because of all of that but she gets along with him.
Howard wondered why Bob never brings his young wife to the show with him. He said he's never been asked to do that. Jess said that she was in Vegas and wanted to tap Howard on the shoulder and tell him who she was but she was afraid she'd start something.
Howard talked to Jessica about her current boyfriend. She said that she's getting laid and he's doing her good. Bob said there was a guy before this guy who was kind of strange. Jess said that he came home one night covered in glitter after a ''business meeting.'' It turns out he blew like $500 at a strip club. She ended up dumping him after that. Howard was asking Jess about her sex life and when she'd talk about something like anal sex, Bob would say ''I'm appearing at Carolines...'' and change the subject.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a suggestion for his uncensored E! show DVD. The guy said ''Howard Stern's Uncut.'' Howard said he liked it but the other guy's weren't sure about it. Bob said he'd leave off the S and just call it ''Howard Stern Uncut.'' Howard asked Bob what the name of his last CD was. It was ''Robert Schimmel Unprotected.'' Howard had the guys take down his name just in case he uses the name.
Howard asked Bob what he's up to these days. Schimmel said that he's doing a cartoon that you can check out on his web site RobertSchimmel.com called ''The Fairy Godfather.'' He spent a minute talking about that and then another guy called in with a suggestion for the uncensored DVD. It was something like ''Howard Stern the Long Island Jew Bastard featuring Robin Quivers the Plantation Negro.'' Howard said that surprisingly, he actually liked the name even though it was a little long. He took down that guy's name and said he'd contact him if they decide to use it. He had to take another break after that. The Schimmel's stuck around to hang out for Robin's news. You can check on all of Bob's upcoming comedy shows at RobertSchimmel.com.
After taking a break Howard and Bob spent a short time talking about the cartoon Bob has on his web site. Bob told Howard that he wrote it with his brother Jeff and had this guy from SmartAssGuide.com animate it for them. Howard also talked to Bob about his relationship with his ex-wife and stuff like that. A caller told Howard that there was a guy who showed up to the Improv down in Florida with a gun to shoot Bob. Bob said he didn't know anything about that though. Howard spent a little more time with Bob and Jessica before having Robin start her news. Howard actually started it off talking about Madonna and her husband Guy Richie. He talked about how annoying Madonna has become. They spent a couple of minutes on that before Robin started her segment.
Howard said they had Beetlejuice coming in this morning to reveal some big secret. Howard wasn't sure what it was so he asked Artie what he thinks it might be. Artie said he might announce that he's dating Tara Reid. Robin thought it was that he was running for Lieutenant Governor of California with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard said KC wouldn't even tell him what the big secret was.
Howard said David Wells will be calling in and Kelly Roland of Destiny's Child will be calling in too. Howard spent a short time talking about Destiny's Child with Robin. He said he's going to put on the charm to try and sweet talk her. As he was talking about that he played Roger Alan Wade's ''Sweet Poon Tang.'' He took a break shortly after that.
Howard talked about another story in which a bunch of kids at a camp saw a camp counselor fall into a river. He got caught in a vortex that he couldn't get out of. They all jumped in to try to help but they all ended up dying even though some of them were swimmers. Howard said that was really sad to him. Howard said his daughter knew of the kids through a friend who was in camp at the same place where those kids were going to camp. He said she was devastated by the news as well.
Howard and Robin also talked about a Jewish guy who was helping to launder money for some terrorists. Robin said the guy didn't know who he was laundering money for. The guys said that was pretty funny.
Howard said there are guys out there doing prank calls just like his fans do for his show. There are some guys down in Atlanta who call themselves The Regular Guys and someone from the show did an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger and made a prank call to a FOX news show. It sounded enough like Arnold that they thought it was him even though he told them to listen to The Regular Guys in Atlanta. One guy on the show didn't get that it was a prank call. The people on the news program weren't sure if it was him or not so they spent a short time talking about it after they got off the phone. Howard said the Judge on the show was so dumb that they should keep him away from the bench. Howard said Jason in the back office asked Gary how they get around getting pranked like that. Howard said Gary told him they have a couple of ways of checking into that so it's obvious that FOX doesn't do any of that. Howard said it's scary that the judge on the show didn't know it was a scam. He said it's beautiful that FOX put that guy on TV. That's a guy who has people's lives in his hands every day. He said based on that phone call they should go back and overturn all of that guy's cases. He said that no judge should be allowed to go back to the bench after they appear on TV like that.
Howard said they have guests like David Spade and William Shatner coming in soon. He also brought up Beetlejuice again and mentioned the Tara Reid thing that Artie mentioned earlier. He ended up talking about Tara for a minute before taking some phone calls.
A guy called in to talk about the news story that Howard brought up about the camp kids drowning. He told Howard about the river that they drowned in and how dangerous the area is because of the churning water. Howard talked about his days camping and how he used to go rafting and stuff. He said that's why he was so upset by the story because this could happen to anyone. He said he was thinking about how sad that was after reading it in the newspaper and then he turned the page to see that asswipe from England who was trying to smuggle in the weapons.
Howard said he's been getting a lot of e-mail and voice mail about Artie's ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' make over. He said people are sending in song parodies as well. He played ''New Fag in Town'' and ''Artie's a Homo Now'' as examples.
Howard said that he read a one sentence report about Monica Lewinsky going out to eat at a restaurant where she had a cheeseburger and fries. He said that's all they mentioned but he doesn't understand why a chubby chick like her wouldn't just avoid eating the french fries. Howard said that he knows some of the people who are using Robin's diet and are losing weight. Robin mentioned the diet, ''The Master Cleanser,'' that she used to help her lose over 60 pounds. She talked about how well it worked for her. Artie said he doesn't think it would help him stop wanting Eggplant Parmesan sandwiches. Robin was talking about how she might be able to fit into some of those low rise jeans now that she's lost the weight. Howard said he had Mary McCormack (his movie wife) over to go out to dinner one night and she was wearing those low rise jeans and he saw quite a bit of her ass that night. He and Artie spent a short time talking about those jeans and how great they are. Howard said he usually thinks of Mary like a sister to him but when he saw her ass like that, he wasn't looking at her like a sister.
An Indian listener called in to give Howard some other details about the British guy who was arrested for the arms smuggling. He told Howard that the guy was set up. Howard told him of course he was set up, he was a problem and the authorities set him up to catch him. The guy told Howard that he was an idiot and didn't understand the news anyway so he shouldn't be commenting on that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered about Robin's diet and what was in it. The guy pointed out that the drink doesn't have any protein in it. Robin said she didn't have a problem with it. Stuttering John came in and said he tried the drink and it was terrible. He said he did it for a few days and he didn't have any energy. He said he was watching McDonald's commercials and was dying when he saw them. Howard said he has a problem keeping the weight off of his stomach so he has to try and stay down at 190 pounds. The guy thought Artie was looking good these days but even Artie didn't think that was true. Robin said she saw him walking in this morning and thought it was a homeless guy walking in. The guy on the phone was asking Artie if he knew this certain person from Brooklyn. Artie said he didn't know exactly who she was and the guy said he had to get all of his ducks lined up so he could give him the full story about whatever it was. Howard had to take a break right after that call.
A listener called in and said he's going to Southeast Asia and has been advised to get rabies shots. The problem is that they cost about $600. He wanted Howard to help him out with the money but Howard said he wouldn't do that and hung up on the guy.
Another caller said that the Indian guy who called in earlier was right about the story he brought up about the guy who was trying to smuggle in rocket launchers. The guy wasn't an Al Quaeda guy, he just doesn't like the United States. Howard ended up arguing with the guy over the story. The caller said the guy was set up but Howard disagrees and said that the guy thought he was getting weapons from an arms dealer. He told the caller he's probably the kind of guy who would sit on the OJ Simpson jury and say that he's not guilty because they didn't have video tape of him committing the crime. He ended up hanging up on the guy.
Howard played a clip from ''Hollywood Squares'' where Miss Piggy mentioned his name after a question about farting came up. Howard wondered if anyone ever laughs hard at a puppet. He said there are no puppets that are funny. Artie said maybe Cookie Monster...
VH-1 did a special on Ol' Dirty Bastard that Howard thought was pretty good. He had a clip that he played from the special. He played one where ODB was yelling at someone on the phone but they must have hung up on him. Artie did an impression of him after hearing that and it was pretty funny. Howard said if he heard a guy like that on the phone, he'd give him whatever money he was looking for. Howard replayed the clip a couple of times and goofed on it for a few minutes.
Howard brought up the show ''Designing Women'' and how the women who were on the show talked about how wacky Delta Burke was when they shot the show. He had a bunch of clips of the stars of the show talking about what happened on the show. He spent a short time on that and then took some phone calls.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered what was up with the season finale of ''The Osbournes'' the other night. They showed that it was all a big scam and it wasn't really a reality TV show. Howard said there really hasn't been a ''reality show'' because everyone changes when they get in front of a camera. Howard said he's very calculated when he's on camera. He said the true reality show would be if they had a hidden camera on Ozzy when he went on tour or something like that. Howard said that's what he would have done with Ozzy if he'd produced that show. He said you can't tell someone that they're being taped if they're doing a ''reality TV show.'' Howard also talked about how pissed off Ozzy gets when he sees Sharon spending so much money. Howard said he's spoken to Ozzy about it and tells him that he should take his own money and invest it himself so he can retire some day. Howard continued to talk about how these shows really aren't ''reality shows'' when the people know the cameras are on. He said the real reality show was Richard Nixon recording all of his discussions and meetings. They spent a short time on that. Another caller brought up the show ''The Restauraunt'' and if Howard watches it. Howard said he won't be watching it and he's done with reality TV now.
Howard said he's got a lot of shows in production right now. He said that he's got a total of 10 in production right now. He didn't say what they are but did say that one of them will air on Showtime. He said that the one he's most excited about is the uncensored DVD that he's putting together. He said he'll reveal more about the video in the coming months. Howard said he was going to call it ''Howard Stern Uncensored'' but they want to change the name. Stuttering John came in with a whole list of names that callers have been giving him. Most of them start with Howard Stern('s)...
Howard said he can usually tell what Beet is going to be promoting when he comes in dressed in crazy outfits but today he was conservatively dressed so he couldn't tell. Howard went on to ask Beetlejuice about his conversation with Scott the Engineer. Beetlejuice says he's being over worked and he's got a lot of pressure on him these days. Beetle says he just needs some time alone to be himself. He said he's going to Florida soon so Robin and Howard asked him what he'll be doing there. He said he's going with his mother and sister and they'll be taking care of some ''family business.''
Howard said Artie thinks Beetlejuice's big announcement will be that he's dating Tara Reid. Howard said he got a call from Shaun and Marlon Wayans and they want Beetle to run with Gary Coleman for lieutenant governor of California. He said Beetle doesn't live in California though so that won't work. Howard asked Beetlejuice what his big announcement was but even Beetlejuice wasn't sure what it was. He said he was very nervous for some reason. KC came in and said he wasn't going to tell them what it was. He thought that Beetle would remember it if they gave him enough time. Beetlejuice was laughing and finally said that he's getting married. He said he's going to get married to Babyjuice, another dwarf. Babyjuice came in to talk about the big announcement. Howard said Beet has said this before and it's never happened. Babyjuice came in and took her top off. Howard said she's got a nice rack. KC helped lift her onto the couch a short time later. Babyjuice told Howard that it's a real thing even though they've only known each other for 3 months. She said that Beetlejuice helped bring her up from Puerto Rico. They met through the web site and eventually got together. Babyjuice said she's been in the country for like 4 months now. Beetlejuice said he's going to stick to just Babyjuice and not sleep with any other chicks. Howard asked Beet how long it took before they had sex. Beet didn't want to answer that though. Howard wondered if the two of them are going to move out of Beetlejuice's manager's house when they get married. Babyjuice said that they're planning on staying there for now. They have no plans on moving. Babyjuice said they had sex for the first time about a month ago. She said Beet is really good to her and gets jealous when other guys touch her. She said she strips at the bachelor parties she appears at. Beetlejuice said he doesn't have anything to do with that and he has no control of it.
Babyjuice said the wedding is going to happen in January and she wants it to happen on Howard's show. Howard said she probably doesn't want to make a mockery out of the whole thing though. KC said there's a second part to the announcement as well. Beetlejuice wasn't sure what it was. Howard asked Babyjuice if she's willing to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. She said she will do that for him. Beetlejuice wasn't even sure what a pre-nup was. Howard asked him how the sex is between the two of them. Beet said it's ''okay.'' Baby said he gets it twice a night from her when he wants. Beetle just laughed when they brought that up. Howard asked them about that and Robin said that Beetlejuice was getting embarrassed by the whole thing. He sat there laughing.
Howard took some phone calls for Beetle and Babyjuice. One guy said there's a picture of Beet and Baby on JollyDwarf.com where she's scrubbing Beet's head that's pretty funny.
KC said that the second part of the announcement was that the two of them are trying to have a baby. Howard said this just wasn't funny any longer. Babyjuice said that both of them want it and it's not just one of Sean's (their manager) big plans.
Some more phone callers asked the two of them some questions. One guy said he was a little worried that Baby was coming in and taking Beetle from the big Stern show family. Howard talked to the two of them about the whole baby idea and how bad that is. He said the two of them making a baby might end up in them having another dwarf. He also told Beet that it's a very big responsibility. He has no idea what he's getting himself into. Howard suggested that they give him a doll to take care of for a week. That should show him how hard it will be. Howard asked Beet what he'd do if the kid went to school and they asked him how to spell ''red.'' Beet said he'd tell him to just spell it so Howard asked him how he'd spell it. Beet said ''Leer'' of course.
Howard started to wrap up the segment as Fred played some ''Here Comes the Bride'' music. He sang along to it and spent a couple more minutes with the two of them. A listener called in and told Beet that Babyjuice was just in this for his money and he should get out while he can. Howard said he wanted to see the two of them kiss but Beetle kept saying ''Nah...'' Howard started asking Beet if he was in love. Beetle said ''A little bit...'' and then refused to hold her hand. Howard told them he hopes things will work out but it was a bad sign that Beet wouldn't hold Baby's hand or kiss her. A few other callers told Howard not to let the two of them have a baby together. Howard wanted their manager Sean to come in to talk about this stuff.
Sean came in and said that the two of them are getting married but he's tried to talk them out of having a baby. He said they have to check with Beet's mother about them having a baby. Sean also said that Beet tongue kisses Baby all the time at home. Sean said that Beet gets really jealous when other guys come up to her as well. Howard had Benjy sweet talk her a little bit to see if Beetle would react. He ended up taking off his head phones while Benjy was sweet talking her. He ended up getting mad and a little upset.
Howard said that Beetlejuice will be appearing at the Funny Bone and at the Matrix in Pittsburgh this weekend. He also gave them a plug for JollyDwarf.com and wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard said David was booked to do his show when his book, ''Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball,'' came out but all hell broke loose around that time and he wasn't allowed to come on. He'd gotten drunk the night before a game and admitted to throwing the no hitter the day after drinking. Howard said he doesn't believe it's no big deal if he drank the night before.
Howard asked David if he's ever had any women pull a fast one on him like Kobe Bryant had. David told Howard a story about a woman who once took her top off for him after a concert one night and that was about it. Then the next day he got a call from his coach who said that she was saying that a bunch of them had raped her. There were cops there in the locker room but she eventually changed her story and he didn't get in any trouble. He said stuff like that is always a problem. He said that girl was just looking for money.
David and Howard talked about the controversy about the drunken no hitter and how blown out of proportion that was. David said George Steinbrenner thought that he was tarnishing his name when he mentioned that in his book but David said he wasn't trying to do that at all. He also talked about a couple of other things before Howard took some phone calls.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said his mother wanted to know why David always ''itches down there.'' Howard said all of the guys scratch themselves down there. Artie did his impression of Jeff a little bit and goofed on him. David got back to his back pain discussion and told Howard how he had an MRI done yesterday and even got an epidural shot. Howard said that he's got to stop with that stuff and he's going to be his hero when he sends him to Dr. Sarno about the back pain. Howard let a couple of phone callers ask some questions before the interview was over. One guy asked David what happened to the guy who punched David in the face at the bar. David said they have to wait for the court case to go through. He said the guy appealed the case so he has to go through a little more.
David said he's been relaxing lately and has a new web site Boomer33.com. He hasn't been going to many strip clubs or anything like that. David said he doesn't want to be in the paper when he does stuff like that. Howard said if he goes with him to a strip club, he won't be in the paper.
Gary came in and told David about how he had knee pain and a doctor told him he needed surgery on it. He said Howard told him not to do it and to go see Dr. Sarno. After Gary went to see Dr. Sarno, his knee pain went away and he can run and jog without pain and without surgery. David said it sounds too good to be real but Howard told him that he believes in this guy. He told David the operations are over and his quality of life is going to be much better. Howard told him all he wants for that is for him to tell people that he's his hero after he cures him of his pain. He wrapped up the call a short time after that.
Howard asked Kelly what movie she's in that she was promoting. She said she's in the movie ''Freddy Vs. Jason'' which Howard says he's really looking forward to seeing. Howard asked her if there's a clear winner at the end of the movie. She seemed to be saying that there was a clear winner but when Howard asked her more questions about it, she just said ''You'll see.'' Howard and Robin were debating who the winner would be in a fight between the two of them. Howard said he thinks that Freddy would win because he's the devil himself. They went back and forth on that subject for a couple of minutes.
Howard and Robin talked to Kelly about Destiny's Child for a little while. They talked about Beyonce Knowels and how she was one of the original members of the group. They were getting into that a little bit but Howard ended up asking Kelly about her sex life. She didn't seem to be interested in talking about that though. Howard asked her how tall she was instead. She said she's 5'6'' tall and weighs 122 pounds. Howard said a girl that height should weigh 105 pounds. She said she just did a cover for the British version of Maxim magazine. She also talked about how she doesn't drink or smoke. The guys were kind of bummed to hear she doesn't drink because that means it's probably hard to get her into bed.
Howard asked Kelly to talk about her relationship with Beyonce and whether or not she's seen her naked. She ended up talking about her upbringing for a short time. She said she doesn't have a boyfriend right now so Howard said she must be pretty horny. She said she's never used a vibrator so Howard told her he'd open her up to a whole new world if she was with him. Kelly was also talking about how religious she is so Howard asked her if she goes to one of those churches where crazy people get up and dance. She actually invited him to go to church with her one day so he could check it out for himself. Howard said he'd like to do that and was just waiting for a famous person to ask him to go. Artie kept joking about how he wanted to hear some of Destiny's Child's hits but kept singing songs that weren't theirs. Kelly told him he was going to stop doing that because it wasn't funny anymore.
Howard said he'd like to meet Kelly in person and he wants to go to church with her. She said she was going to find a church and bring him with her. Howard gave her another plug for the movie and asked her if she's completely shaved. She said she leaves a little there because ''you have to!'' Howard wondered if Beyonce shaves but Kelly said he'd have to ask her himself. Kelly asked Robin how she puts up with this stuff every day.
Howard took a call from Vinnie Favale from CBS who told him what the premise of the ''Freddy Vs. Jason'' movie was. After describing it, Howard said it sounded pretty cool. Richie from E! came in and said he saw the movie last week at a press screening and it was great. He said the first kid that was killed in the movie was the most gruesome killing he'd ever seen in one of these movies. He also said the fight between Freddy and Jason was really exciting.
Howard had Kelly singing to him on the phone a little bit. He also played some Destiny's Child songs. Kelly said that she's going to get Beyonce to call in to talk to Howard. Howard was fantasizing about having the two of them together. He spent a few more minutes talking to her about that and then wrapped up the call. He went to commercial break after that.
Howard said he got his new office that he didn't want. He said the new office is back in the ''corporate'' office area and he doesn't want to be back there. He said he knows that Tom is going to bug him back there. He's only been in the office for two days so far and Tom has been outside of his office both days. Howard said he's done working back there and he's going to move back to his old office. Gary said Tom called him already about that and said he knows Howard is going to ''do a bit'' about him being there for 2 days in a row. Tom came in a short time after that and told him how he knew this bit was going to come up on the air. He said that he really does need to talk to Howard about something and he doesn't want him to move out of that office. He said he's not going to be there every day and he felt very awkward doing that to him yesterday.
Tom changed subjects and told Howard he was right about the movie ''Seabiscuit'' being a great movie. Howard said he didn't want to talk to him about that though and sent Tom away. He said he really doesn't want to work there anymore and just wants to get out. He continued to goof on Tom after he left. He said he knew that this was going to happen when he moved his office. Robin told Howard that Tom will be back even though he said he was sorry about doing that to him. Howard said Tom could take care of these meetings by just issuing a memo. He said he doesn't need to hold a whole meeting about the stuff he brings up. Tom ended up coming back in after Howard mentioned Tom using the term ''FYI'' in the memos he does hand out. He ended up telling Howard that the doctors want him back in three months to check out a spot they found on him when they did a CT scan on him. Howard said this might be it and he might have cancer again. Howard said he won't get his hopes up... but then said he was just kidding. He doesn't really want Tom to get cancer again. He told Tom to get lost again so he could finish (start first) Robin's news.
For those of you who haven't heard the show in the past week, you may want to go over to comedian Rev. Bob Levy's web site (revboblevy.net) to hear his latest Roasts of people like Dominic Barbara, Lizzie Grubman, Star Jones and Dennis Rodman. They're brutal!
Here's what we heard on today's Best of Stern: