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Brandy, The Next Mariah Carey? 5/5/00. 8:35am
This 27 year old black woman came in claiming that she sings as good as Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston. She wanted to perform for Howard so he allowed her to come in. Brandy said that she sings karaoke and has sung in her church choir. She told Howard that her song was about 3 minutes long but he said he might have to cut her off. She said his name is mentioned at the end of it so he had to let her sing it all the way through. She went ahead and sang and Howard had to cut her off after about 20 seconds. She was off key and sounded pretty bad. She claimed that she was ''under the weather'' and that's why she wasn't singing well. Howard let her try a couple more times but she sang the same way each time. He even had her take the microphone off the stand because it was so high. That didn't help either. Brandy was under the impression that Howard wouldn't goof on her when she came in but that was a mistake. Her friends told her that he would and she didn't listen. On her third or fourth try at singing Howard was just laughing hysterically at how bad it was. Fred was playing the cat meowing and dog howling sound effects behind her.
Howard said he'd like her to come back after she's feeling better. She then told him that she's out of money because her ATM card isn't working for some reason. She needs money to stay in the city until Monday so she asked if they could give her some. Howard offered her $100 if she promised not to sing. Howard and Gary then started offering her money to take her top off. They got all the way up to $4000 but she refused. Eventually they settled on playing a game of ''Who Wants to win $350''. They asked her a bunch of questions and if she answered 3 correctly she'd win the money. Here are some of the questions:
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who said his friend was in a band called Crawl. He played some of one of their songs over the phone and Howard said it didn't sound that bad. Howard said it sounds like the same crap they play there on K-Rock. Howard said you know when the singing comes on it's not going to be that good. He waited for the singing to start and he was right. Robin said they have isolated the problem. Howard wondered what he should tell the caller.
Howard told the guy it was pretty good. Then he told him to call his record company and talk to someone named KC. The caller, Moose, said ''oh shit!'' so Howard had to ask him to watch his language. Howard told the guy to call KC at Broken Records. He told him not to bust his balls about the negotiation. Moose said he'll cut Howard in on it. Howard said he doesn't want to be in some kind of bidding war with the other record companies. He said he's willing to offer $250,000 and that's it. Moose said they already have CDs. Howard said if he's going to play him off with the other record companies he doesn't want to be involved. Howard let him go a short time later.
Staff Karaoke With Staind. 08/19/08. 8:35am
After the break we heard a prank call Fred the Elephant Boy made to a taffy shop about the stuff that was stuck to his teeth causing his speech problem. Fred also played The Fab Faux's cover of The Beatles ''Strawberry Fields Forever'' as they were coming back. Howard came back a short time later singing along with the song. He said that the guys from Staind were there and hanging out. Howard said that he got high talking to Aaron from the band because he smelled of weed. Howard asked if they were all high. The guys said that there were only two who were high.
Howard said that Aaron smelled of weed and then handed him some new kind of vodka. It was Hammer Sickle vodka and Howard said he was going to try it. He asked the guys if they were going out on tour again. They said that they've been out since June.
Howard said that these guys are the only band that's willing to come in and have some fun with them with this karaoke stuff. Howard said that it's kind of cool when they come in and play a Cher song. One of the guys said that it's the opposite of cool when they play a Cher song. They actually had to turn down some songs because they weren't able to figure out how to do them.
Howard said that he wanted to have Ronnie go first. He said that they're going to judge all of the guys and give the winner $500 courtesy of the Man Groomer.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he wanted to perform ''Sweet Caroline'' but Howard didn't want him to that one. Howard said he thought that the band didn't want to perform that one. Ronnie said that they never said that and they can't even play this Cher song.
Howard told Ronnie to go for it. The band played and Ronnie sang ''If I Could Turn Back Time.'' Ronnie lost his spot so Howard told him to stop and sit down. He said that the band sounded great and they were doing a good job while Ronnie sucked.
Howard said the band sounded good and he couldn't even hear Ronnie because he wasn't on mic. Howard gave him a 0.0 score on that performance. He asked Aaron to sing the song but Artie said he had to turn away if he did that. Aaron said that it was too high for him... and then said that he was too high. Howard said that he would try it if he had a great singing voice.
Artie said he wanted to turn back time about 61 years and hire an abortion doctor. Ronnie went off on him about that.
Jason was up next and he was going to perform Aerosmith's ''What it Takes.'' He came in wearing rock star sunglasses and belted out the song. The band was great once again with Jason not so great. Howard told him to sit the fuck down a short time into it. Jason was trying to hit the high notes and screeching like an injured dog.
Howard said the band sounds really good. He said that he was going to give Jason two points on that. Howard had the third contestant, Tim Sabean the program director, come in and perform ''Fulsom Prison Blues'' by Johnny Cash. The guys in the band said that this song was a fun one to learn. Tim wasn't coming in so Howard asked him to hurry up and get in there. Tim was in a meeting so he was a little late. Howard asked him what kind of meeting it was. Tim said it was with Scott (Greenstein).
Tim said it smelled like weed in there. Artie told him ''Shut up copper...'' Tim then went into his song and actually did an okay job with it. Howard cut him off and told him to sit down because it was horrible. The band kept playing for a short time. Howard figured that they were going on because they were high.
Howard said that Tim wasn't really horrible. The guys in the band said that his timing was off and that's why he was screwing up. Tim said the smell of weed was throwing him off. Robin thought Tim was better than Ronnie and Jason. Gary said he kind of picked a song he didn't really have to sing. It was mostly talking. The majority of the guys were picking Tim as the winner so far. Fred said that none of them were good and Tim should be sent to Fulsom prison.
Howard said that JD was up next. He was going to perform The Who's ''Won't Get Fooled Again.'' Everyone could tell that JD wasn't looking forward to doing this. They said he looked miserable when he came walking in. Howard told JD that he could win $500 right now if he could pull this off. The band started the song and JD gave a half hearted attempt at singing. The band tried to help him out with some of it but it just wasn't happening. Artie said that was one of the best songs in rock and roll and JD just ruined it.
Fred asked JD if he purposely didn't put any effort into that. Howard told JD that he was horrible. Artie said that Jared Fox would have put some effort into it. JD had walked out by that point.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer was up next and he was going to sing ''Ohio'' by Crosby Stills, Nash and Young. Howard asked him to put some effort into it. Gary said that Scott has been rehearsing every day in his studio with this song. Scott said that he was trying to learn the lyrics and he'll probably screw them up anyway. The band started the song and Scott attempted to sing. The band backed him up with some of the lyrics which wasn't really helping Scott too much. They were doing a great job covering the song though.
Howard let that song go all the way through. Artie said that was like Neil Young on chemo. He told the band that they were great and did some great guitar work. Howard said that it was good that the band covered Scott during that song. Howard said he thinks that Scott just won that competition. He was going to give him the $500. Howard thanked Man Groomer for the $500 and gave them some plugs.
Artie said that the new album was called ''The Illusion Of Progress'' and he liked that. Howard asked Aaron what that was about. Aaron said that they were all standing around talking and not getting anything done and he said that it was like an illusion of progress and that's how he came up with the name of the album.
Howard said he read that AC/DC just made a deal with Wal-Mart where they're selling only in their stores. Aaron said that they bought 3 million copies and they're non-returnable. That's a great deal for AC/DC.
The guys in the band were talking about how tough the music industry is right now and how they have to hope that they're making a whole album that is listenable the whole way through so people will buy the whole thing. Howard said that the art of the album has been lost over the past few years.
Howard said the guys were going to perform the song ''Believe'' from their new album. He asked the guys if they wanted Scott to help them out with their song. Scott yelled out that he doesn't know the words.
Howard asked Aaron about the song and what it was about. Aaron tired to explain how he wrote it and Howard said it sounded like he had no idea what it was about. Aaron said that he was high and it was really about hoping that someone believes in you.
Howard said that the band is going to be performing at the Hard Rock in Manhattan tonight. He said that you can find out where they're performing at Staind.com too. The guys went into their song after that.
Howard said that he believes in Aaron after that. He said that they did a beautiful job there. He asked one of the guys what he was doing on the guitar. He said they call it hacking. He demonstrated that a little bit more. Howard told the guys they sounded really good.
Artie asked who was playing rhythm and lead on the ''Ohio'' song. They told Artie who was doing what. Artie seemed impressed.
Howard asked the guys if they have to practice this new song that they performed this morning. They said that they know the song already so they don't have to rehearse it that much. Howard said that Aaron's voice sounds great. Robin said that it does sound good considering how much he smokes. One of the guys said that Aaron has a cigarette or a joint in his mouth at all times. Aaron said that sometimes he has both at the same time in the recording studio. He said he had given up smoking cigarettes for about 4 years at one point but went back to it.
Aaron said that he was going through a lot of stuff and that's what drove him back to smoking. He said that his wife was pregnant and they thought that the baby might have some genetic defects and that's what drove him back. Howard said that he used to smoke and it really makes no sense. Artie told Aaron that Howard and those guys are health nuts and he shouldn't listen to him.
That led to the guys talking about heroin and how Aaron never tried it because he knows that if he did, he'd like it and get hooked. Artie said that's what happened to him. He said he tried it, laid on a bed and said ''Uh oh, I'm in trouble...'' The guys thought that was funny. Howard had to wrap up a short time later so he could go to break.
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Howard's Music History. 3/12/02. 9:10am
Howard said he didn't realize how many times he's tried to make a hit song over the years. He played tape of the guys playing their original song ''Skunk'' from 1998 and didn't think it was all that bad. He also played his 6th grade song ''Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes.'' As he was playing it Artie Lange said it sounded a lot like a Violent Femmes song. Artie said he was digging the song but Howard didn't want to hear it any more.
Howard performed with Blue Oyster Cult one time so they played that clip also. Howard said that didn't turn out that well. He called himself a douche bag when he heard the clip.
Howard got the Violent Femmes song ''Blister in the Sun'' which is the one Artie thought was similar to Howard's song. Howard thought he was nuts after listening to it.
Gary also brought in a CD of a new band that sounds very much like Howard's old band. Howard compared the two songs and they did have a similar style. Howard played his ''Psychedelic Bee'' song and a couple of The Losers songs that they've performed over the past few years. Everyone in the studio was amused by all of Howard's attempts at singing. They played ''Bang a Gong'', ''Court of the Crimson King'' and ''Hurdy Gurdy Man.''
Howard said the worst song he ever did was with Dee Snider. He went into a studio and sang ''On the Road'' with Dee. Howard said he knew that would never be a hit. He played a clip of that and was disgusted with it.
Howard is trying to figure out which one of the songs he should send to the Pharrell Williams of N.E.R.D. Someone reminded him about the Magic Johnson Show performance they did. Howard and The Losers performed ''Wipe Out'' with a few farters that was pretty funny. While he was listening to the farting Howard said he can't believe they actually let that bit get on the air. Robin reminded him that no one was watching Magic's show at that point anyway so it wasn't a big deal. Gary also told Howard that he'd said that the show sucked for 6 weeks straight and they still let them come on.
Howard and the crew decided that ''Bang a Gong'' is the song they're going to send to Pharrell to play with. Howard checked it one more time and decided that it sucks. Then Howard said that they should go with ''Hurdy Gurdy Man.'' He listened to a few seconds of that and said he should just give up on his music career.
Shane the Dallas Stripper. 3-5-96. This morning's show was interrupted in markets with a satellite feed in the middle of the interview with Shane. Shane is a stripper from Dallas that called Howard a couple of weeks ago to tell Howard how hot she was. Howard dared her to come in and show off her DDD breasts. Howard even managed to cop a feel of her implants. He actually felt her breasts and then told Gary to feel them but he didn't want to get in trouble with his wife so he asked if he could touch them with his elbow! Then Fred touched them with his Sharpie pen and Jackie did it with his head. What a wacky bunch! Shane showed up today ready to show off and talk up a storm. This girl wouldn't shut up! She went on and on about some of the wacky customers that she's had over the years. One guy came in and asked her to kick him in the nuts. She figured she'd just give him a little tap but he told her to kick with all her might so she kicked him so hard that he fell to the floor crying! A couple of days later the guy showed up to get his nut kicking AGAIN! Howard said that he wants to hook this stripper up with Lonny from Scores to get her a job. Shane is also working on a book which will include her stories about wacky customers.
In the clip Gary brought in a clip of Robin acting in a movie of the week with Ed Marinaro. Howard played the clip which was a behind the scenes video. At one point Ed screwed up a line. Robin was very good with her lines though. Gary said Robin shows anger if he plays more of it. Howard said Robin is going to have to show more than that in his movie. He said Fred can just stand there in the movie though. Howard said all Jackie does is plug his numbers in the movie.
Howard played more of Robin's acting. He told her she was very good. Jackie said she didn't have to play much emotion. Robin said she wasn't supposed to. Robin said that it's better than his acting. She did an impression of Jackie laughing.
Jackie said Howard is going to get 3 years of radio out of this. Robin said she's not worried about her acting. Howard asked Robin if this is before or after Jorge sat her down. Robin said this was after.
Howard and Robin goofed on Jackie some more about his acting. Robin did an impression of Jackie doing some lines in a role he had. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard said he can save him the trip. He said the kid is gorgeous. He said that she may mature and have a great career but he doesn't think that she's going to enjoy him telling her that. The caller said that he doesn't think she'll even make it to Howard. Howard asked the guy what his name was. The guy said it's Ken. Howard said he's going to bring Ken out there and tell him that he's not protecting her. Ken said he knows the deal. He's a fan and he knows his stand on everything. Robin said they want to send their kids out to slaughter. Howard said she may not enjoy singing anymore if she doesn't make it. Howard said she is on key but she doesn't have it yet. He said the show is about finding someone who people will go to see in Vegas. This kid isn't going to win and she'll have to be rejected by some big dope like him. Ken said he has learned and he thanked Howard for the advice.
Howard said the kid is a doll and he wished her luck but he told Ken not to subject her to this. Howard said this is why YouTube ruins these kids. He said that she's not going to want this tape hanging around in 10 years. Howard went to break after that.
In the clip Howard talked about his Butt Bongo Fiesta tape that he had just put out. Howard said they had a contest going on where they had 10 couples come down to compete in a Butt Bongo contest. He said the contest will be judged on how much buttocks they see. Robin said for her it's about the drumming. Howard said that's not the entire part of it. He said it also depends on the song, the shape of the buttocks and more. Howard said odor is another part of the contest. He said that some may be given points for odor.
Gary said they have the first couple ready to go. Howard had the first couple come in to perform. Howard spent a short time talking to the guy who is in a band called Killroy. He brought in his fiancee. He had some pictures of her that were taken in bra and panties. Howard said she's like a model. Robin said she's like a Heather Thomas type. Howard asked how they met. The guy said they met in a bar where he was playing. He said she thought he was a jerk so he had to keep calling her.
Howard asked if they've ever done anything like this. They said they haven't. Howard had the girl stand up and said she has some body. Howard asked if the guy shows her off. He said they do go to the shore. Howard asked if the guys go wild for her. The guy said they do. Howard asked if the guy has a real job. He said he works for a book distributor and he's a warehouse supervisor. Howard asked if the woman looks forward to supporting him. She didn't really say anything.
The guy said that he wrote this song for Howard. He said it's about government and Howard. Howard had the woman pull up her dress and get over her guy's lap to be butt bongo'd. Howard asked if she had implants. She said she doesn't have any breasts. Howard kept telling her how great her body was. Howard said he'd marry her tomorrow if he was him. He said they're getting married in may. Howard had them do their thing a short time later. Howard said her butt was pretty red after a short time. Howard cut them off after a minute or so. Gary said she's crying. Howard said he's going to say she won the tickets. Gary said she's in pain. Jackie said her ass looks like an apple.
Howard asked if that was erotic for her at all. She said no. Howard said he can't wait to score. Gary said they have 9 other couples to go.
Howard said they might have to have a bongo-off and get her pants off again. Gary said she isn't happy with her fiancee at all. Howard said it was kind of erotic in a way. The woman wasn't willing to say that.
Howard said that he'll start the scoring with Robin. Robin said they were the first couple because she's not sure what will happen next. Robin said she gives them a 7. Howard said that's insane. Gary gave them a 9. Fred said he'd give them an 8 1/2. Howard said he thought the drumming was good and she was making some great noises. He said he has to give them a 10. Howard said he smells tickets for them.
After an edited out break Howard had Gary bring in more of the contestants. Howard said they have to evaluate 9 more. Howard said he's in a rush because he has a press conference coming up. Howard spoke to the next couple and that guy was also in a band. He said this woman is his girlfriend's best friend. They spoke for a minute and then the woman took her stretch pants down and the guy told Howard his band is Steel Days. Howard played his song and the guy started to slap the woman's ass. When they were done the guy congratulated Howard on his new daughter Ashley. Howard told him not to bring up his daughter during this segment.
Howard asked Fred what his score was. Fred gave them a 9. Jackie gave them a 6, Gary gave them a 9, Robin gave them an 8 and Howard gave them an 8. The guy asked if he could moon Robin. Howard told him to go ahead. the guy did it but Robin didn't want to look. Jackie bumped them up to a 7 after that.
Howard moved on to couple number 3. They spoke for a short time and Howard said they seem pretty wild. Howard found out they're just friends. Gary said that none of these people could get their partners to come in so they got their friends instead. Howard spent a minute talking and then had them do their butt bongo thing. They performed for a minute and then Howard got everyone's scores. They had a very drum intensive song to play along to. Howard said that was some good drumming. Jackie gave them an 8, Gary a 7, Fred a 6, Robin a 7 and Howard an 8.
Howard moved on to couple number 4. Howard said the guy looks famous. He wasn't sure who it was though. The guy said some people say he looks like Jerry Garcia. Howard spent a short time talking to them and then had them perform their butt bongo. They performed to the song ''After Midnight.'' Howard said the woman had a nice buttocks. He was surprised by that. After their song Howard got everyone's scores. Howard gave them a 7, Robin a 6, Fred a 7, Jackie a 7 and Gary a 7.
After an edited out break Howard came back and said he was going to have the rest of the contestants play one after the other very quickly. Howard said they have to get this done with. Howard said they weren't prepared for so many people to come in.
Howard spoke to a bunch of the other couples and quickly went through each of them. Howard played ''D'yer Mak'er'' by Led Zeppelin for the first couple. Howard quickly gave their scores and they were in the 3-5 point range.
Gary said the next couple just met in the lobby. The guy just showed up hoping there would be an extra person there. Howard said he had to disqualify them because the woman was wearing a leotard.
Howard spoke to the next couple and then had them do their thing. They performed to the same Led Zeppelin song. Howard got everyone's scores after they were done. Howard gave them an 8.5 score. Fred gave an 8, Jackie an 8, Gary a 9 and Robin a 7.5.
Howard moved on to the next couple and quickly spoke to them and almost threw them out when he saw the woman was wearing a body suit. Robin said her legs could be seen though. Howard had them come back in. He spoke to them for a few seconds and then had them perform. Howard said the guy was putting some pressure in there. Howard said he drums like he can't hear the music. Howard gave them a 7, Jackie a 5, Fred a 6.5, Robin a 6 and Gary a 6.
Howard moved to the next couple and said the woman was very beautiful. Howard said the guy was good looking too. The woman said she just met him. She said she has seen him play in the band that the first guy was in. She said she just came down for the ride. Howard had them perform a few seconds later. The guy was a professional drummer. Howard said they might win. After the performance Howard said he thought the drumming would be more inspired. He said it was too professional. He said he'd give them a 7 or 8. Howard didn't think it was a winning performance. Robin said she liked the drummer a lot. She gave them an 8. Fred gave them an 8, Jackie a 5 and Gary a 6.
Howard moved on to the next couple and the guy had a rat on his shoulder. Howard said the guy is doing pretty good with this girlfriend too. He said she's got a hot little body on her. Howard said she looks kind of like Morticia. Howard had them perform and when they were done Howard said he thinks they tied with the first couple. He asked if they could get them tickets too. Gary said they weren't sure about that. They wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Jackie's album and how he can order that. Howard and Robin wondered if someone really wanted that. they were making fun of the Christmas song that Nancy sings on the album. Howard asked if people really buy that album. Jackie said he's had between 1-2,000 people order it.
Fred played the song and Howard started laughing as soon as he heard it. Robin did too. Howard said Nancy really wants to be a celebrity. He said she won't give up. Howard kept the song playing and kept goofing on it. Howard went through all of the stuff they sing about in the song. They were picking apart all of the lyrics and making fun of Jackie and Nancy's house and things like that.
Howard had Fred play one of Jackie's other songs. They goofed on that one for a short time and then played another song and did the same. Howard would have Fred play a little bit of each song and then play another one. Howard asked Jackie if she memorizes any of the songs or does she have to read them. Jackie said she has some of them memorized.
Howard said when he was a kid he sounded like this stuff. Jackie said he's out of his mind. Robin said ''Guess who else is...'' Howard had Fred play another song. Fred was very familiar with the songs so he knew the names of them as he'd start playing them.
Howard went through more of Jackie's songs and laughed through it all. Howard said his favorite is ''Cold Gold.'' He sang along with that one.
In the clip Robin was reading about Cindy Crawford doing a movie and going out and supporting it. Robin had a clip of her talking about what it was like acting. Cindy was talking about how she had to go to work not knowing if she was good at her job or not. Howard had some fun goofing on what she was saying in that clip. Howard wondered how big of a bomb that movie is going to be. He said Cindy looks good but he doesn't think it's going to do very well.
Robin had a clip from the movie ''Fair Game'' so Howard played that. Howard said they should drown her out a little more. He said the reason they had the loud music in the scene was to drown her out. Howard demonstrated what that's like and played some loud music over himself and Robin.
Brittaney Starr Sings On The Sybian. 10/04/07. 7:20am
Howard said that this woman called the show recently and asked if she could come in and sing her song while sitting on the Sybian. Her name is Brittaney Starr. Howard said she's got some big titties. Howard said she's cute too. She came in and gave Howard a t-shirt to give to Beth. Howard asked her how big her boobs are. She said they're DD's and Howard will have to feel them to see if they're real or not.
Brittaney told Howard that she's very sexual and she masturbates 3 times a day. She said that she has masturbated in tanning beds and dressing rooms and places like that. She said that she's also been a pillow humper since she was like 3 years old. She doesn't need any devices or her hands, she has to use something else like a pillow. She said that she's even used the little tanning bed pillows. Howard said they should call her Erica the Midget because that's the way Eric the Midget masturbates.
Brittaney said that she was into porn for a while but she's out of that now. She said that she likes to have sex with women too and said she has a girl living with her now who says that she fucks better than any other person she's been with. She said that she will lick a woman's clit until she cums and she does it really good. Howard said he'd love to see her do it to Beth to find out the best way to do it. She said that some girls like it soft, some hard, they're all different. She said that it just depends on the girl and you have to kind of feel it out.
Howard asked about this Asian girl that she's with now and how they hooked up. Brittaney said that it just kind of happened accidentally. She said that after the girl broke up with her boyfriend she came to her and they've been together ever since then. Brittaney said that she likes to be fucked by a man but she likes to do women too.
Brittaney said that this song that she has out called ''I Wanna Fuck the DJ'' is already being played in clubs over in England. Howard asked her what kind of crazy stuff she's done in her porn movies. She rattled off a scene she did with some Presidents in one video. She changed subjects and said that she's done some scenes with Nick Manning who is the ''Dropping Loads'' guy. Howard had some of those clips and played them. She then told Howard that she didn't lose her virginity until she was 18.
Brittaney was very talkative and told a lot of stories about her wild sexual adventures when she was doing movies and stuff. Howard said he was looking forward to hearing this song of hers. She was going to perform it on the Sybian while naked. She told Howard she's got bruises all over her legs from being at a strip club and having a stripper there banging her. She said that one of the strippers was finger banging her at this club that Gary was at. She said that he saw it happening. Gary said that he didn't see any of that stuff going on. He saw her there but didn't see any finger banging going on.
Gary said that the Asian girlfriend is really hot. He saw her at the strip club. They got her on the Sybian and started to play her music. She sang along with the track that she had with her. She was trying to get off while she was singing her song. Howard said that's some song after she sang some of the lyrics about wanting to fuck the DJ. Howard said that might have to be his wedding song. Brittaney wanted to get through the whole song before she finished. Gary had the Sybian jacked up all the way so she asked him to lower it a little bit. Her song ended and she was still going. She asked him to slow it down even more and was moaning and saying that she was still cumming. She said it felt real good and said she thinks she might need a nap. Her legs were shaking when she got off the thing.
Gary said you know when the girls are having some fun on that thing when they take their feet off the ground and hold onto the thing for dear life. Howard asked Robin what she thought of the song. She said she might need to hear it again. Fred said that the music blows but she's awesome. Artie said he doesn't recall hearing a worse song in his life but he liked that Sybian ride. He asked her if he could feel her tits. She said ''sure!'' so Artie went over to feel her up. He said they felt fantastic and said that they feel real to him. He said that he wanted to see her tongue ring and then asked her if he could feel what it's like to kiss with a tongue ring. She said that she can't do that.
Artie eventually convinced her to do it and made out with her a little bit. She told him that he was really a good kisser. He said that he's never kissed a chick with a tongue ring before. He said that was pretty cool. Brittaney got in a plug for this web site SexKittenMusic.com and then the Howard TV guys replayed the kiss. Brittaney said that she felt like a cheater. Howard said that she swallowed one of Nick Manning's loads. She said she didn't do that, she once swallowed a load when she was about 16 and her throat swelled up because she's allergic to semen.
Artie said that if they were alone he thinks that they could have gone even further than they did. Brittaney said that it probably could have gone farther because she's a kissing whore and loves the way he kissed. Howard told Robin to kiss her but she said she'd rather kiss Artie.
Ralph called in and asked if she really thinks her song is good. He doesn't believe that anyone likes the song. Ralph also said that she's an annoying cunt. He told her that she's so annoying. She thanked him for the constructive criticism. Howard let him go and wrapped up with Brittaney. She said that she was ready to go out with Artie.
Brittaney told a story about Steve Gutenberg pulling out his penis in front of her one time. She said that he had a nice one too. Howard said they don't know if that's true or not but thanked her for coming in anyway. He went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard said they had 3 women coming in to get topless to win Grateful Dead tickets. Howard said one of the girls was in yesterday. Howard said that they only have one pair of tickets to give away. He said he can't stand the Grateful Dead but a lot of people love them. He said he could never get into their stuff. Gary told Howard they just got a late entry so they have 4 now.
Howard had the girls come in and talked to the girl who drove in yesterday and today. Howard said Gary told him that she was really cute. Howard said he heard that Grillo got a date with her but he took her out and let her buy her own lunch. She wasn't too thrilled with that or the park where they went. Grillo came in and said that he asked her where she wanted to go and she didn't say. She said she wanted to go to Tavern on the Green or something nice like that.
Howard tried to talk to Grillo about why he can't get a chick. He spent a few minutes telling him what he did wrong with this girl. The girl said she used to model until she was 16. Howard said Grillo is a retard. Grillo said he had 3 bucks on him yesterday. Howard said he could have borrowed money from him or Gary. Grillo said that's not the right thing to do.
Howard said that the girl was easy as hell yesterday and he blew it. Grillo didn't seem to care. Howard asked if she was using him for lunch. She said she thought he would be a nice guy to talk to. Howard said he thinks that he blew it. She told Howard he did. She said she told Grillo he has a self confidence problem and he asked if it shows.
Howard moved on to the second contestant and talked to her about why she came down there. She had never taken her top off in front of guys like that before. She had a D-cup so Howard talked to her about that.
Howard got back to contestant 1 and asked her if she had ever done anything like this. She said she hasn't but she's a big Dead fan.
Howard quickly spoke to the other contestants and asked where they came in from. Howard said that size doesn't matter after one of the girls said her's were small but perky. Howard said they can't be sore losers because they only have one set of tickets to give away.
Howard said that maybe they can give each of them one seat so they have two winners or maybe they can have two seats for one winner. Gary said they don't have two pair. Howard said he's just talking about splitting up the two.
Howard had the girls expose themselves so they could check out what they had. Howard said the first girl wasn't able to get her top off even though she's a stripper. Number 1 went next taking her top off. She was a natural red head. Howard said she was awesome. Howard said she's thin and those are natural. He said they're big for a skinny girl. Howard said the competition is making him dizzy.
Gary said Fred had a score card going. Howard asked to see it but Fred said he was saving it for the end. Howard said he's a mental case.
Howard had the next girl get topless. She took her top off and Howard said she had a great body. He said she's got a swimmer's body. She took her top off and Howard said she has a lovely pair. He said they're very nice too. Howard said he's not sure how they're going to choose. Howard said she must look great in a bathing suit. Howard said people must go nuts for her at the pool since she's a lifeguard.
Howard had the next girl get topless. She was the one who said she was small but Howard said they're B-cups and they're very perky. He told Gary to rip the tickets in half so they can all go. Howard said they all look great. Howard asked Gary to find out if he had two more tickets to give out. Gary said he'd have to ask Tom. Howard said if Tom gets two more then he can come in and look at the girls. Howard said he needs to see them all topless at once.
Howard said they have to vote now. He said Gary is going to go first. Gary said this is the best 4 women they've ever had up there. Gary said he was going to pick two and it's very rough. Howard picked the red head and the lifeguard. Howard said the other two have very similar breasts. Robin said she's going to pick the girl in the hat and the lifeguard. Howard was keeping score but he told Gary he should be doing it. Howard said the stripper is beautiful too. Gary said this was tough. He said he's going to go with the red head and the lifeguard. He said the red head was incredible too. Jackie was up next. Jackie said he has to go with the same that Robin went with. He said he hates to go along with Quivers though.
Gary said that the lifeguard has won but Fred's vote could break the tie for second. Fred said his two votes are for the lifeguard and the girl with the hat. Howard said the lifeguard and the girl with the hat have won the tickets then.
Gary said that Peggy was there and she's their promotions director. Peggy said that she will see what she can do to get more tickets. The red head was crying at that point. She said she was up there two days in a row and she's tired now.
Gary had the girls follow him out of the studio. Howard said the other two girls were upset that they didn't win. Howard said goodbye to them and let them go. He said Fred has 3 pages of notes about the girls. Howard asked Fred if he could have slept with any of those girls he knows that he would have picked the lifeguard or the red head. Fred said that was Howard's pick, not his.
Jackie said he voted on breasts alone and didn't look above the neck. Howard said he did the same. Howard said he can't believe Grillo blew it with that girl. He asked what's wrong with that kid. Gary said he felt bad for her. He said that Tom has given the okay to try and get tickets. He said he's not sure if they'll be able to get them. Robin said that's not fair if they cheat like that. Jackie said they're not cheating by getting them all tickets. Howard said they'll see what happens.
Gary said he felt like it was kind of seedy when they had the red headed girl take her top off. Howard said of course it's seedy.
Howard had Grillo come back in so he could go off on him about blowing it with that girl. Grillo said that she tried to play him like a fine tuned piano. He said she was saying all of this crap about him trying to impress her yesterday. He said he was very nice to her. He said if she had come in the same way she was yesterday then it would have been a different story. Howard said Grillo is a hostile dude. He said he has to try and win them over.
The red head came back in and said that she wasn't acting different today. She told Howard what went on and how he tried to kiss her yesterday. Howard said Grillo is going to be destined to date house fraus. He said he's never going to change. Howard wrapped up with Grillo and let him go. Howard said he had his chance and he blew it. Howard said he's all sexed up now.
Howard said that Grillo could have bought the girl a hot dog for a dollar. He said he had 3 bucks. Howard said you never know what will happen with a girl. Gary said that Grillo is all upset out there in the office. He said he doesn't want to be portrayed as a loser. Howard and Jackie laughed. Gary said Grillo is a good worker and he's always there on time. They wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Robin read a news story about the 50 Worst Artists in music history list that was in Blender magazine. Howard said he liked that list. Robin went through the list and talked about some of the bands. Howard didn't agree with all of the bands on the list. Howard said he likes Creed but he knows some people don't. Robin went through some of the other bands and Emerson Lake and Palmer were on it. Howard didn't agree with that either. He said they were good. Robin a bunch of other bands and talked about Latoya Jackson and Janet Jackson for a short time.
In the clip Howard said that he was talking about Mike Gange the other day. He said he's an intern there and he had the idea to do an air shift there. Howard said he's not sure he wants Gange in there until he's ready for him. Howard told him to wait until he's called.
Howard said Gange wants to be an announcer but he's a little green and hasn't done it quite yet. Howard said Tom offered to give him two nights on the air. Howard said he told Mike to just be himself since he doesn't have a good radio voice. Howard said that Pete Fornatale is like that. Howard said his voice isn't so great but he's okay on the radio because he's being himself. Howard said that's what he told Gange to do. Howard said he could just say that he's not that great and still get into it.
Howard said he didn't stay up late to hear Gange. He said Grillo told him about it and it didn't sound good. Grillo came in and said he was out with John last night and they listened for a while. He said that he didn't goof on him but John had some comments. He said John was saying that he was trying to sound like an announcer and it wasn't working. Howard said Scott the Engineer got the whole thing on tape. Howard said Scott was the one complaining about never getting an air shift of his own. Howard said they really should let Scott do an air shift there.
John came in and said that Gange was kind of singing all of his lines. Howard said he knows what he means by that. Howard said Scott couldn't wait to get him the reels so he could listen to it.
Gary said that Gange had a board operator so all he had to do was sit and talk. He said he had it easy. Howard said he would have let him screw everything up.
Howard said he heard that Tom got into trouble for giving him an air shift. Howard did his impression of Mel talking to Tom about putting a guy like that on a $100 million radio station. Howard said no one listens from 10pm-2am anyway. He said it's a good gimmick. He said that Tom stood up for that and put him on anyway. Howard asked Tom how much trouble he got into. Tom did this on his own and didn't check with people about it. Tom said he didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard said he heard Tom caught a lot of crap for that. He said it was great that he went for it anyway. Howard said he heard he got reamed for it. Tom said ''no comment.'' Howard and Robin took that as a yes.
Howard asked Tom if he stayed up to listen to Gange. Tom asked if he was crazy. Howard read some faxes that they got about Gange's air shift.
Howard had Gange come in and asked what happened last night. Gange said he was nervous. He said it was his first time on. He said he tried to sound normal. Howard asked how he thinks he did. Gange said he'd give it a 3. John said he'd give it a 2. Gary said 3 was accurate. Howard asked if anyone else heard it. No one there heard it. Gary said it could have been a 1 if he had run his own board.
Howard said he wanted to hear what Gange did. He played some of the audio of Gange doing his thing. Gange screwed up John Cougar Mellencamp's name in one part. Mike was also reading a commercial like a robot. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that.
Howard told Gary to give someone on the street the same stuff to read that Gange read. He told him to pick a random person off the street to do it. Howard said that person will be more interesting than Gange.
Howard played more of Gange's stuff and pointed out all of his mistakes. Howard played a couple of minutes of that and then said he had heard enough. He said he should rip out a picture of a retard in a magazine and past it so he can say that's who he can do better than. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later.
Today's King of All Judges special was over around 10:50am.
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18 Year Old Jillian's Playboy Evaluation. 06/25/04. 7:35am
Howard came back from break and talked about this 18 year old who wrote them and asked to come in for a Playboy evaluation. They contacted the Playboy people and they came in to evaluate her. Ralph was also in to do the evaluation. Howard spoke to Kevin Custer who is the Sr. Photo Editor at Playboy. He's the person who decides what goes in the magazine. Kevin talked about how they choose the women and how Hef is the guy who makes the final decisions on who makes it into the magazine. Howard asked him about how he got that job and where he went to school. He said he started to work for Playboy right after he graduated. He got an internship there and then a freelance job. He did that for about a year and then quit. He went back after getting another degree and got the job. He said he started out doing the Lingerie books and stuff like that and eventually moved up to the regular magazine.
Howard and Artie talked about how the Lingerie chicks are different than the regular models. They even separate them out at the mansion for some reason. Kevin said there is a pecking order there and everyone wants to be a Playmate. Howard said that there's even a pecking order at strip clubs with the strippers. He and Ralph talked some experiences they've had at strip clubs.
Kevin talked about how they evaluate women and what he'd be looking for with someone who wants to be checked out. He said that they have had all kinds of women trying to get in the magazine and some of them are a joke.
Kevin is married to a woman who appeared in one of the magazines. He said she was in a 1991 issue of the magazine and her name is Kerry Kendall. Howard asked him how they hooked up. He said he was friends with her for like 11 years. Kevin said she's great and she's the funniest person. Howard and Ralph told him that she's going to age though and he shouldn't have married her.
Kevin said that he doesn't remember ever getting any of the Polaroids that Howard takes when they do evaluations. Kevin then told Howard that he is there to officially deputize Howard to be the Official East Coast Photo Editor for the magazine. He gave a photo loop to evaluate the film and also gave him a plaque for his door with the Playboy bunny ears for Howard to use when he does a casting session. Ralph was trying to horn in on Howard's action but Howard wanted no part of that.
Howard got to see some pictures of Kevin's wife Kerry Kendall. He talked to him about that for a minute and then Gary said that Robin once said that she might pose for the magazine if she lost enough weight. Robin said that they can't come up with enough money for that. Howard wondered if Kerry's boobs were real. Kevin said that they are real so that blew the guys away.
Howard had to move on to the evaluation. He said that the girl, Jillian Grace, is 18 years old and just graduated high school. Her mother actually wrote in and asked to have her come in for the evaluation. The mother came in a short time later and spoke to Howard for a minute. He told her that Kevin is the guy who makes the decisions so he's the man. Mom said she encourages her daughter to go for it while she can if she can get in with a company like Playboy because they would take care of her. She said she will not go to Penthouse or any magazines like that if she does not get the Playboy deal.
Kevin said that she does not have to get naked today because it's just the first stage of the whole thing. Mom said that she will support her daughter in this even though her husband, Jillian's step-father, isn't a big supporter of it. Howard told Mom that a lot of women come in and think they're hot enough for the magazine but they really aren't. He was warning her that she might get turned down and hopes that she can take it emotionally.
KC came in and told Howard that Gary is supposed to wear a mask when a hot chick comes in the studio. Gary thought they weren't going to do that but he put it on anyway. KC was laughing his ass off when he saw the mask on. They then brought in the hot chick, Jillian. She just got out of high school this year. She wasn't dressed in a bathing suit or anything like Howard wanted. She was going to have to go get changed. Gary didn't know why they didn't have her set up for this segment. KC said she was wearing a bra but she had a bathing suit to get into. Gary said he thought she had it on already. Kevin said that she had a very cute face. Ralph said the outfit was really bad though. He also said he thought that Mom had a better face than her daughter. Kevin said he thought Jillian's face was very cute though and wanted to see her in a bathing suit.
Kevin wanted to see her proportion, shape and tone. Howard said that his penis told him she's got something. She came back out with her bathing suit on a few seconds later. KC said she moved up like 5 notches. Howard and the guys were talking about her body while Mom was still in the studio. Mom said that she has been living with guys staring at her for the past 5 years and she's used to the looks and stuff.
Howard let Kevin give his opinion on her. He said that he would offer her a test, definitely. They will even fly her out to Chicago and shoot some pictures of her. He was trying to find some weak points on her and wasn't able to find any. KC wondered if he needed to see her ''bags'' first before bringing her to Chicago. Jillian said that she's a 36-C and Artie yelled out that she's perfect. Ralph thought she needed to lose a few pounds and tone up a little bit. She's ''almost there'' according to Ralph. He pointed out some stuff with his laser pointer. Her bathing suit was tight and her ass was a little loose according to him. Kevin said that they could take pictures of her tomorrow and make her Playmate.
KC said that her hamstrings were a little loose as well. The guys saw that and then found out that she just had ankle surgery a few months ago so she hasn't been able to work out. She had nice hands according to the guys. Artie said that she's the hottest chick they've ever had in for an evaluation. Kevin liked her look and thought she had a very natural look.
Howard said he would like to see her top come off and asked Mom if that was okay. It was up to Jillian according to her mother. Howard asked her to do it and asked for a quick look. Kevin told her mother that he was glad to see her there supporting her daughter because a lot of people wouldn't do that.
Jillian took her top off a few seconds later and everyone was saying that they were perfect. Howard told Mom that her daughter had nice boobs. Ralph was impressed that her boobs didn't move and they're natural. Mom said this wasn't the easiest thing she's ever done but it wasn't all that bad. Howard said he can't wait to see this girl naked in Playboy.
The guys spent a couple more minutes talking to Jillian before wrapping up the segment. Howard asked her what her turn-ons were. She likes guys with a sense of humor. Artie said ''No you don't!'' and said he'll be getting loaded in Boca Raton in about 10 hours. He also reminded everyone that he did a Playboy shoot where he was the photographer.
Jillian got in a plug for her web site (which crashed seconds later) JillianGrace.net where she sells a calendar and some other stuff. Artie warned her to let them know if someone comes up and asks her ''Have you ever heard of The Simpsons?'' (referring to Sam Simon). Artie also thinks that her 19 year old boyfriend is going to be standing on a bridge somewhere with a rock tied to his ankle once she leaves him. He was going nuts talking about all of the guys who will probably want to bang her if she gets in the magazine. Howard asked her if she'd ever do any chicks. She said she's never thought about doing that. Artie kept making more references to guys who are going to come on to her once she becomes a Playmate.
All of the guys were impressed with Jillian. Howard was starting to wrap up the interview but took some phone calls. One guy called in and said he can't wait to pleasure himself to her layout. Howard gave Kevin a plug for Playboy magazine and got ready to go to break. KC pointed out that Gary was about to pass out in his welders mask. He was ready to pass out standing there in the mask. He said they'll have to go for the beekeeper's mask next time. Howard went to commercial break after that.
Jillian Grace Playboy Update. 10/21/04. 8:55am
A couple of months ago this girl Jillian Grace came in to do a Playboy Evaluation. There was a Playboy representative there and he said that she could possibly make it into the magazine. She's now done some test shots and another photo shoot that might get into the magazine. Jillian was there as well as Kevin Custer who made the decision to have her do the test shoot. Jillian's mother was there as well so Howard talked to her first. She was the one who wrote the letter asking Howard if she could come in to be evaluated. Howard thought that it was kind of odd that she wanted her daughter to be in a magazine naked but Jillian said that she just wanted her to be successful. Jillian said she wanted to be in the magazine from the age of 12 and it took her a while to convince her mother it was a good idea. Robin wondered what he'd do if his daughter's wanted to do something like that. He said he'd never let it happen and he'd never crack under the pressure.
Jillian said that she doesn't know if she's going to make it in the magazine or not but she has done a centerfold shoot. Howard asked her if she slept with Hugh Hefner when she was out in California. She said she didn't do that. Gary told Howard that Jillian's relationship with her boyfriend is kind of tough right now because of what she's doing. She said that he's still in school right now so this is tough on him. Howard and the guys predicted this would happen and they figured they'd break up pretty quick. Howard thinks she'll end up moving out to Los Angeles and she'll be banging celebrities out there. Artie saw Jillian and her boyfriend at a show in St. Louis and they were fine. Jillian said they just have to talk some things over and they'll be okay. Artie wondered if they have to discuss the fact that she'll be dating people like Shaq. Jillian said he's just having a hard time with everything. Artie and Howard had some more fun goofing around with the idea of her banging rappers and pro sport players.
Howard said that Jillian looked much different when he saw the test shoots. Robin said she looked different today. Howard asked Kevin Custer if he had any updates for them. Kevin told Howard that Jillian has been accepted as a Playmate and that got Jillian crying. She told Howard that it's been a dream of hers for a long time and it's finally come true. Jillian hasn't seen the photos yet but she has seen the polaroids so she has an idea of what they look like. Jillian is going to be Miss March 2005 so keep your eyes open for that issue. Her mother was very happy for her because this is what she wanted. Robin said she wasn't jumping up and down about it though. Howard ended up singing ''You'll Never Walk Alone'' to Jillian with some new lyrics in there.
Howard asked Jillian who she met when she was out at the Playboy mansion. She said she met Jon Lovitz at the mansion and then went out to a club and met Bruce Willis. She also said that she's gotten an invitation to Hef's bedroom so her mother told her that she can always say no to that. Howard wondered if Jillian shaved down completely down below for the Playboy shoot. She said that she didn't shave it all and her mother was surprised that she shaved as much as she did. Artie asked the guys to give them a moment of silence for Jillian's boyfriend who just jumped off a bridge. Artie cracked some other jokes about the guys she'll probably be banging in the future now that she's going to be a Playmate. Gary wanted to call her boyfriend on the air but she said he asked not to be called. Artie told her that this is a springboard to dating Sam Simon.
Howard told Jillian that he saw video of her test shoot and she looked very much like a Playmate. Kevin said that they didn't even need to airbrush her. Jillian thanked Howard for his help in hooking her up with this stuff. Artie asked for some thanks as well because he's been a supporter. She thanked him as well and said that she would like to get into acting eventually as well. Kevin told Howard it would be nice if he could find them 12 Playmates a year. Howard told him that if they find women as hot as Jillian, they'll be sure to call him.
Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that Jillian gave Hugh Hefner a jar of pickles as a gift when she went out there. She said that her family makes pickles so that's why she did that. Howard heard that Robin Radzinski started to cry when Jillian started to cry. While he waited for her to come in Kevin gave Howard an official Playboy Deputy badge that they created for him. Robin Radzinski came in and said that she really was touched by Jillian because they made her dream come true. Artie pointed out that they had gotten her into porn. He also cracked some jokes about her needing some stuff to do coke off of once she gets out to Los Angeles.
Jillian said that she's going to be out at the Playboy mansion for the Halloween party next week. Artie said her costume is going to be ''Jon Lovitz's girlfriend.'' Howard joked with her about holding out for people like James Caan and Fred Dryer instead of Jon Lovitz. Howard wrapped up after that and said you can check out Jillian's web site JillianGrace.net. Jillian said she thinks that Playboy is going to get her JillianGrace.com as well eventually. Artie told her that she'll be welcome back next year when she comes back with her illegitimate Mullato baby. Jillian's issue of Playboy will hit the newsstands in February next year.
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The Next Superstar... Zenaida Perez. 09/13/04. 9:50am
A woman showed up to the show asking to get on the air because she wanted to talk to him. Howard let her come in and said that she was pretty hot. As she started to talk to them Howard pointed out that the black lip liner she had on just didn't look good. She went on to tell the guys that she lost a lot of weight and went from a size 15 to a size 7. She's got 7 more pounds to lose. She started to ramble a bit about where she was from and who she's dating. Then she told the guys that she wants to be a singer. Howard had her sing a little bit but she really wasn't that good. Fred threw in a sheep's ''Baaahhh'' sound effect since that's kind of what she sounded like.
Her name was Zenaida Perez and she claimed that she could dance as well as sing. She wanted to hear some Marky Mark or ''Right Said Fred'' music to dance to. Gary told her that she might want to ask for something from the last 20 years. After she danced Howard said that she needs to lose another 15 pounds. She agreed to do that. It turned out she was lying about her age and Howard was able to get her to admit that she was actually 27 and not the early 20s that she was claiming.
Howard heard that she sent her pictures to the Ford modeling agency and they sent them back to her. She told Howard that she sent them back to them again and wants to prove that she's good looking enough to be a model. Howard told Zenaida that he's going to put her picture up on the web site today and let the fans rate her. He told her that she's too heavy to be a model. She seems to think that she can be a model if she can lose a few more pounds.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Howard to have her take her top off. She refused to do it and said she's not confident enough to do something like that. Howard told her that she'd have to do stuff like that when she models. Howard sent her off to get her pictures taken a short time later so Robin could start her news.
Howard asked Robin if they should have the band Jet on the show. He played a couple of songs from their CD to let her know what they do. Artie was having some fun goofing around with the songs that he was playing. Fred was also throwing in some sound effects and goofing on their stuff a little bit. Howard thought they were rockin' pretty good in the songs through.
Richie from E! came in and told Howard that Zenaida was out in the hall crying because someone called up interested in her. Howard had them bring her back in so he could talk to her while she was in tears. She cried a little more but then started telling Howard that she was told she wouldn't be able to get back on the air and then she heard that someone called in and said they might be willing to give her a chance at modeling. That's when she broke down and cried. She said she hates her life up in Haverhill and this is giving her the chance to make it. She was still crying and talking hysterically as she was explaining what was going on. Howard started to sing ''You'll Never Walk Alone'' to her as this was going on. For some reason Zenaida kept telling the guys that she is a ''real'' person. She kept using that line over and over again.
Howard took a call from Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) who was pretending to be a record company exec by the name of Tobey Stevens. He told Zenaida not to sign with anyone else because they wanted her. He goofed on her for a short time before Howard hung up on him.
Robin wondered where Zenaida's boyfriend was. Howard said that he's taking a rest somewhere. Artie said ''He's removing his ears.'' Zenaida thanked Howard for giving her a shot on the air for the first time. They ushered her out of the studio again so Robin could get back to her news. Gary interrupted again and wondered what was up with Jet. Howard said he guesses that they could have them on but didn't seem to care either way. Howard was playing a Bruce Hornsby song, ''Way It Is'' and said it really touched him when he heard it over the weekend. He told Gary that if Jet could perform that song, they could come on. Howard also talked about this guy Steve Earle who did a song called ''F The CC'' but there were too many F-words in the song to play it on the air. He played a few other clips from his CD because he liked one of his songs. He wasn't able to find the song that he'd been listening to earlier so he bailed out on it and had Robin continue with her news.
In the clip Howard talked about how they were going to be playing the live Bruce Springsteen box set on the air as soon as it was available to them. Howard said they're not supposed to play it until 8am but he was going to play it early. He said he didn't care if he upset the record company. Howard said he has heard the album and it sounds the same as the rest of his albums except you hear the crowd applauding. Howard said it's easy to make a live record by just adding applause to the regular album. Robin said she loves that song Jersey Girl live. She said it's a great song.
Howard played the album and said it really does sound like his other albums but it has applause. Howard talked about a device he got to make a CD player useable in his car cassette player. Howard said he's not sure if he'll use it or not. He said he may just get a cassette copy of this album. He said he doesn't want the hassle of the CD player.
Howard went through a bunch of songs and had some fun with the raps that Bruce would do before each song. He had to take a break in the middle of that.
After the edited out break Howard came back and played more of Bruce's songs from the live box set. Howard was goofing on the raps that Bruce was doing. Howard made up his own raps and talked up some of the songs himself. Howard had to take another break in the middle of one of the songs. After the edited out break Howard and Robin spent some time figuring out what Bruce was talking about. They were making up more raps and going on and on with that.
Howard said that these raps aren't off the cuff either. He said they're rehearsed. Howard said Gary has seen Bruce perform a bunch of times and the rap is the same every time.
Dick Delicious And The Tasty Testicles Receive The Howard Stern Award. 1/15/03. 7:20am
After the commercial break Howard said he just wanted to say that some of the people who write the greatest music aren't rewarded. He brought this up because he'd watched the American Music Awards and the People's Choice Awards. Howard said he wanted to create his own award called the Howard Stern Award. He said he wanted to present the first award to the winners of his award so he had the guys bring in Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles who wrote the ''Diarrhea'' song. Howard spoke to the band and one of the guys who calls himself Hugh G. Rection. The guys talked about the song and stuff like that. Howard said they also brought along their groupies Lola Blowya and Lolly Popalotapus. Their friend Paul who owns ConsumptionJunction.com was also there. Howard talked to the guys about their band and how long they've been doing this. They said they're from Atlanta, Georgia but they do a lot of traveling.
Howard mentioned some of the songs that they've put out and gave them a plug for their web site DickD.com where you can get their CDs.
Howard said Dick appeared on the Jerry Springer show as a pimp and the whole show was scripted from the start. He said the whole thing was lies. Howard said Dick wanted to thank the makers of LSD because he enjoys the drug so much. He said he's been arrested for having it before and he'd gladly be arrested again. He said jail sucked though. Howard wrapped up the interview after talking to the guys for about 10 minutes. He played them out to their song ''Diarrhea'' as they left.
Artie thought the guys were pretty cool. He said he probably could have hung out with those guys in the old days when he was doing drugs.
Howard moved on and did the Top 5 songs real quick. Howard talked about the upcoming Stump the Booey game and the guy who was coming in to play. Howard said the guy claims that he can beat Gary and has beaten him when he played along in his car. He's offering up his 28 year old sister as collateral in the game. If he loses, his sister has to get naked for the guys. Howard then took another commercial break.
More Time Killers. 7/24/00. 8:05am
A listener called in and asked Howard what he had to do to get his album played on the air. Howard told the guy that he'd let him play it for nothing because he knew that it would suck. He let the guy play it over the phone and it was just as bad as Howard predicted. Howard has dealt with people like this in the past and the outcome is always the same. Their bands are never as good as they think they are. Howard said that if he had any real talent he wouldn't have to beg to have his song played on the air.
Bernard Edward's Project Homicide. 10/13/99. 6:30am
This guy Bernard called in recently and told Howard that his CD ''Bernard Edward's Project Homicide'' is better than all of those other CD's people send in for Howard to listen to. Bernard said that Howard would definitely like the song. Howard knew that it would suck so he invited the guy to send in one of his songs. This morning Bernard called in to get his critique. Howard told that guy that he was going to be very honest and Bernard was willing to let him do it. Howard played the song for a couple of minutes and said that he didn't want to subject his audience to any more. Howard called the song less than mediocre and told Bernard that it just wasn't happening. Bernard said that he should have played the whole song through so the audience could hear it. Howard took a bunch of random phone calls to get their reviews since Howard had already called it mediocre. The audience agreed Howard's views. They all told 35 year old Bernard that he's wasting his time with his music. Bernard was very defensive and it didn't help his cause. Then one caller said she enjoyed the music.. an 8 year old by the name of Abby. She also said she enjoys The Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears. A music reviewer from Baltimore also called in and said the music wasn't good. She said it wasn't trendy. Bernard said he wasn't trying to be trendy and he doesn't care what people think of his music anyway.
Scott The Engineer's Son's New Job. 05/02/06. 9:20am
Howard said that Scott the Engineer's kid is in a new band and Scott is making everyone listen to their new song. The guys goofed on Scott a bit so Scott came in and said that Sal was back there lecturing him like he's some kind of expert or something. Scott said that his son's new band is Dog Eat Dog but he had nothing to do with naming the band. Artie said that the band has been around for a while and they're pretty popular on the Jersey shore.
Gary said he was talking to Scott's wife recently and she's kind of upset that her son is going to Europe soon. They sat him down and lectured their son about drugs and condom use but he's in his 20s now. Robin asked Scott what they told him in that discussion. Scott said they told him to be careful with the drug thing. He said that smoking pot is fine though.
Howard got a note from Benjy where he said that Scott's son will be playing in some city that Howard had never heard of. Sal told Howard that he heard that band's stuff and it was like dog shit. Howard told Sal he's heard his music from when he was a kid and that wasn't so great. Sal agreed with that. Fred played some of Sal's awful rap music and then Howard played a bit of Dog Eat Dog's stuff. Fred said that Scott sent him a clip the other day and it had a bit of one of the songs in it. Now he knows why Scott sent him the clip.
Howard played the Dog Eat Dog song and he thought it sounded kind of like a Counting Crows thing. Scott said that they have some heavier stuff too. Howard thought it sounded a little gay to him. Scott had him play ''MILF'' which was a bit heavier. As soon as Howard heard it he said it was better than the last one. He said that one wasn't gay and he liked some of the lyrics.
Howard tried another track and thought that one started out pretty good. He didn't make it through a lot of that song. Scott said that the band was blown away when they heard his son play guitar so they hired him.
Howard Stern Show Men's Beauty Pageant. 2/17/99. 7:40am
Howard and the rest of the guys on the show participated in a beauty pageant today. They had 3 judges from 3 different magazines come in to do the judging. There was Claire Hearth from Playgirl magazine, David Soloff from the Click modeling agency and Mark Adams from GQ Magazine. They all have some idea of what a good looking man should look like so Howard figured they'd make good judges. Everyone was first judged while dressed in whatever they thought would make them look good. After that they were judged in swimsuits. Howard was really paranoid that he'd be judged higher than everyone else because it was his show. He made sure to tell the judges to give their brutally honest opinions and not judge on personality or fame. The judging on the clothing went on pretty long because each judge would evaluate each person. The swimsuit segment went along a little quicker because Howard just had them give their numbers and not much evaluation. Here's how the judging turned out:
| Gary | Clothing | Swim Suit | Totals |
| Claire Hearth | 6 | 3 | 9 |
| David Soloff | 7 | 3 | 10 |
| Mark Adams | 6 | 3 | 9 |
| 28 |
| Fred | Clothing | Swim Suit | Totals |
| Claire Hearth | 5 | 4 | 9 |
| David Soloff | 8 | 5 | 13 |
| Mark Adams | 6 | 6.5 | 12.5 |
| 34.5 |
| Jackie | Clothing | Swim Suit | Totals |
| Claire Hearth | 6 | 4 | 10 |
| David Soloff | 8 | 4.5 | 12.5 |
| Mark Adams | 7 | 7 | 14 |
| 36.5 |
| Benji | Clothing | Swim Suit | Totals |
| Claire Hearth | 4 | 3 | 7 |
| David Soloff | 4.5 | 4 | 8.5 |
| Mark Adams | 5 | 2 | 7 |
| 22.5 |
| John | Clothing | Swim Suit | Totals |
| Claire Hearth | 6 | 3 | 9 |
| David Soloff | 6 | 3 | 9 |
| Mark Adams | 5 | 4 | 9 |
| 27 |
| Howard | Clothing | Swim Suit | Totals |
| Claire Hearth | 7 | 4 | 11 |
| David Soloff | 7 | 4 | 11 |
| Mark Adams | 6 | 6 | 12 |
| 34 |
As you can see, Jackie came out first. A lot of people were upset by the judging. Howard couldn't believe the scores he got for his swimsuit segment. Howard told the judges that he'd accept their scores but after taking a break he and the other guys had a long discussion about how the scores were unbalanced and that they want to do it all over again. This time they want to get some foreigners who don't know the show to come in and do the judging. Howard's never satisfied is he? He complained about how he thought they'd judge him on his celebrity and when they didn't, he still complained. So this may have all been a waste of time and it'll probably be another waste of time the next time they do it. Jackie said it best when he told Howard that he should just keep doing it until he gets the scores he wants.
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More Various Stuff. 9/26/01. 8:15am
Howard had more listener songs about the World Trade Center disaster to play today. He first replayed some of the awful Mark Harris song that he's played a couple of times in the past few days. All of the guys goofed on that for a few minutes before Howard played some of the listener songs. Howard said he hasn't asked anyone to send in their awful songs but they just keep coming in. Howard also said he goofs on them but people must not care because they just keep coming. Gary said he got about 20 new ones in the mail yesterday. Howard played a few of them and made fun of them. They were all bad just like they usually are. One of them sounded just as bad as a Charles Manson song. Howard played a Charles Manson song to compare it to the song parody and you really couldn't tell the difference other than the fact that the Manson song was produced better. Howard said they should have a contest to see if anyone can tell the difference between the Manson song and the listener's song.
Kid Rock & Joe C Come In. 7/21/99. 8:50am
Rapper/Rocker Kid Rock(Bob Ritchie) came in with his 3'9'' tall buddy Joe C this morning. Howard saw Kid Rock perform at the K-Rock Dysfunctional Family Picnic a few weeks ago and thought he was pretty good. Howard played a sample of his hit song ''Bawwitdabaw'' and even Robin knew the lyrics. Howard went on to tell a story about how Kid Rock sent him a tape back in 1992 or so. At the time he'd had a fight with this guy Ed Levine and he said something about putting his balls in his mouth. Kid Rock took a sample of that and turned it into a song. He sent the song to Howard and Howard thought it was really cool but he couldn't play it on the air because it was too dirty. He didn't know who the guy was because it was just a listener. Then when he saw Kid Rock perform at the DFP this year he heard that song again. He thought that Kid Rock had ripped off the song but when he asked him about it Kid told him he was the one who sent him the tape back then. He still performs the song to this day. Kid called it a ''cult classic'' among his fans. He said that a friend of his had hooked him up with a copy of Howard's tape ''Crucified by the FCC'' and he sampled some of it to make the song.
In the clip Howard was talking to Phyllis Diller about which of her friends listen to the show. She told Howard that a bunch of her friends listen when they're in town. Howard said that she's there to judge a talent contest with them. Howard said she's staying at the same hotel as the Jacksons are. Phyllis said that it's very busy over there. Phyllis told Howard about who is there in the hotel and how she's met a couple of them before.
Howard said Phyllis is a good judge of talent. Robin said she's discovered some talent. Phyllis said she discovered Liberace. Phyllis said that she has discovered a lot of writers.
Howard said if she finds anyone who she thinks is a ten on the phone then she has to let him know. Howard said they're going to be judging over the phone. Howard said if anyone gets a 10 then they get to be her opening act. Phyllis said that could get her out of a few years of work.
Howard picked up on a guy who asked what they wanted him to do. Howard hung up on him immediately. The next caller said he tells jokes. He tried telling one about a man's penis but Howard had to hang up on him. Howard said he almost got fired for that the other day. He said he can't do that.
Another caller said he tells jokes so Howard hung up on him too. Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to sing ''I Am a Rock'' by Paul Simon. The guy sang and Howard said ''My god...'' Howard let the guy sing for a minute and said he wasn't a rock, he was a moron.
Howard spent a minute talking to Phyllis about who her friends are. She told Howard about what she does in her spare time and things like that.
The next caller said he can do impressions. He did a Jack Nicholson impression and got a little dirty so Howard almost had to hang up on him. Howard had the guy do another impression but it was so bad he just hung up.
Howard took a call from a woman who had a joke. Howard hung right up. He took a call from a woman who said she can sing. She wanted to sing ''Last Dance'' by Donna Summer. Howard let her sing for a minute and they played some dog barking clips over her. Howard wondered if she thinks that she actually has talent. Howard told her that she was great and she should go out and get an agent immediately. Howard jerked her around for a short time and then let her go. She was only 16 years old.
Howard said there's not a lot of talent out there today. He took a break a short time later. After the edited out break Howard got back to the phones and tried to find some talent.
One caller did a scene from a movie and Fred played the Twilight Zone music behind her. The woman said she was doing a monolog from The Fantastics. Howard said he had no idea what she was doing. Phyllis gave her a score of 7. Howard said she's going nowhere fast with that.
Howard took a call from a guy who plays guitar and sings. He was going to sing a Marshall Tucker Band song. Howard told him to do it. The guy started and Howard hung up within about 2 seconds.
The next caller said his wife plays piano and she'll be playing ''Misty.'' Howard let her perform for a short time and Howard thought it was a record player. He had her bang some keys but she started another song. Howard said she must be real. Howard told her to take off her clothes. Howard said she was very good. Phyllis gave her a 7.5 score.
Howard took one last call. The caller said she's 14 and she sings. Howard said she's jail bait. Robin said 14 year olds can perform. Howard told her not to say that around Roman Polanski. Howard had the girl sing. She sang a song and they played dog barking sounds over her. Howard told her it was marvelous. Howard said Phyllis is speechless. Phyllis said she's giving her a 10. Howard said when she turns 18 she should come up to his house and live with him. Howard told her to keep working at it.
In the clip Howard was talking about the play ''Rent'' and how Broadway has turned into show tunes and musicals. Howard said this play is the big thing right now. Robin said she loved it. Howard said it's about a bunch of freeloaders who don't want to pay rent. He said they're not artists because they're not getting paid. Howard said they're freeloaders and they're living in abandoned buildings. He said they steal the electricity from the telephone poles and things like that. Howard said it's just not good.
Howard played one of the songs from the play and said it's not quite rock. He said they're going for rock but it's not quite there. Howard let the song play and said that when they steal electricity they sing about it. Howard said the thing that annoys him about Broadway is that they have to sing every line. Robin said it is a musical so of course they do. Howard said he doesn't like it.
Howard said this is the kind of music you listen to right before you take it in the butt. Robin told him to stop it. Howard said he bets Richard Simmons likes this. He said he'd bet that he goes to these plays.
Howard sang some of the song and made up his own lyrics. He was singing about how he wants a man. Then he sang about all of the things that were going on with the show. Howard just made it up as he was going along. He made up lyrics about his general manager Tom too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to agree with Howard about ''Rent'' sucking. Robin said she loved it. The caller said it was just a bunch of homosexuals singing. Howard said the gays love those plays.
Howard played another song from ''Rent'' and talked about how bad it was. The caller was talking about how much he hated it. He said he likes some Broadway plays but not that one.
Howard played another song from the CD and goofed on that for a short time. Howard took a call from a guy who said he's gay and he likes this play. Howard said anyone can write a musical. Robin asked why he hasn't. Howard said he could do it. He said anyone can.
Howard said he's going to write a play called ''Those two hairy hanging things...'' He started to sing about that and threw in some gerbil references and things like that. Robin told Howard he should see the play before he denigrates it. Howard kept singing. He said he would have so many people in that theater. He said he'd have the most successful play ever.
Howard played a Rage Against the Machine song and made up musical lyrics for that. He said those guys are good. He said if they had a play with them in it then he'd go see it. They wrapped up a short time later.
Today's King of All Judges was over around 10:55am.
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In the clip Howard asked Robin if she wanted to hear this song he had. He said he has to find the CD first. Howard said he found this band and he thinks they're the next big thing. He said that Harvey Leeds turned him on to it. He said the name of the band is Skunk Anansie. Robin didn't catch it so Howard had to repeat it. They were talking about the name of the band trying to figure out how to say it. Howard said they're good. He said you might have to open yourself up to it though. He said some older people, like Jackie, may not get it at first.
Robin told Howard that Zackarly left her something in her inbox the other day. That led to Howard explaining who he is and doing an impression of him for a short time.
Howard got back to the band and played their song for Robin. He said he thinks they're really good. Howard said the woman's voice is really good. He said it takes a minute to get into. After playing a little bit of the song Robin said it was interesting. Fred said he wishes her voice was up in the mix. Fred said he thought it was a good song but that was just an observation. Fred said it's a powerful song and her voice was too far back in the mix.
Howard said all Jackie likes is country music. Jackie said he liked the song. That led to Billy West doing an impression of Jackie singing the song. Howard said he guarantees the song will be a huge hit. Jackie said he would bet him it won't. Howard said they'll be as big as Green Day.
Gary came in and said he thought it was pretty good. He said he thought they sounded like Rush at first. Howard said Gary is the worst. He said he thinks he knows everything about music but once you challenge his knowledge he sounds like an idiot. Gary said he likes a wider variety of music than Howard does. Gary and Howard went back and forth arguing about that. Gary mentioned that he likes U2 and Howard said that's fag music. He said they suck. Howard said he only liked one of their songs. Howard said Gary is stupid.
Howard said Gary likes Steely Dan. Howard said that's so wimpy. Gary and Howard went back and forth some more and Howard brought up Gary's trumpet playing. Gary said he can't play that thing anymore. He said he ''lost my lip'' which made everyone laugh.
Gary said he and Fred know a lot about music. He said they've had long discussions about music. Howard said Steely Dan sucks and he's so empty. Howard said they're soulless. Howard said he doesn't get why he's a wannabe for liking this music. Gary said that's just his opinion.
Howard was still trying to understand the comment about him being a wannabe. He said it doesn't make any sense. Gary said he thinks that Howard doesn't really like this kind of music and he just listens because he thinks that's what he should like. Howard said he would never do that. He said he likes that music. Gary said he thinks it makes him feel a little bit younger. Howard said that's just not true.
Howard said Gary seems to think that he should like music like Steely Dan because of his age. Gary said that the music is geared toward younger people and it's not for people like Howard. Howard said he thinks that he looks like the people who would be at a concert for that band.
Gary said Howard became old and then got young again. He was talking about his look at WNBC and how he looked like an old guy and then got that look he has now to look younger. Howard said he's not going to change his whole personality and like different music. Howard said he's not going to become an old, stodgy fart. Howard said he wouldn't sit home listening to this if he didn't like it. Gary said it makes him cutting edge and that's why he listens.
Howard said he could understand this if he came in one day and changed drastically. He said he hasn't given Gary any idea that he hasn't been cutting edge all these years. Howard said he's always liked cutting edge music.
Jackie was on Gary's side in this. Jackie said he can't believe that anyone listens to that loud crap. Howard said that Gary has a strange notion. Howard said Gary thinks that he's a phony. Gary said he doesn't think he's a phony. He said that he thinks Howard thinks that it makes him younger and more cutting edge so that's why he likes it. Robin asked what he was doing it for before he got old. Gary said he doesn't know what Howard's musical tastes were before. Robin said Howard was never into easy listening music. She said he never listened to Jazz or any of the homo stations.
Howard said he doesn't understand Gary. He said Gary likes pussy bands. Gary said he likes some of the newer bands like Pearl Jam and Live. Howard said Gary had to see Pearl Jam once they got famous. Gary said that's not true either. He said he likes those bands. Howard said it's a projection thing. Howard said Gary is like the Casey Kasem of the show. He said that Gary thinks that of him because it's actually what Gary is.
Gary said Howard was a nerdy guy when he was at NBC and he had to change. Howard said he looked like that because it fit him at the time. He said he looked at himself one day and figured he had to go back to being the guy he used to be.
Howard said Gary has an ass like a Rickshaw and he's making fun of his looks. Howard said Gary has let himself go completely.
Gary said Ralph is really jealous of the seats they got at Pearl Jam. He said that Ralph hasn't been able to let it go since then.
Ralph came in and said he said it just once. Ralph also said that Gary is one of those guys who thinks he has to do things by a certain age. He thinks he has to be married by a certain age and have kids by a certain age. Gary went off on Ralph about his fake blond hair and things like that. Howard said Gary is jealous of Ralph. Ralph said they've had conversations about this before.
Howard said he apparently listens to the music he listens to because hew wants to be young. Howard said that's so bizarre. He said he's not going to sit home and listen to music he doesn't enjoy listening to. Howard said it's weird that Gary thinks that way.
Gary said they all think he's unhappy. He said he doesn't have to be like anyone else. Robin said he has to be like everyone else.
Howard said this stuff goes on all day with Gary and he will never give in. He said that Gary doesn't see him as a genuine article. He said Gary has seen some weird stuff go down and he must think he's not genuine. Gary said that's not true. Gary said Howard seemed very conservative off the air. He said he wouldn't say he was faking it but it was a different thing off the air. Howard said Gary has a weird view of him. Howard said everyone he grew up with didn't take any risks in their careers.
Howard said Ralph is a wack job too. He said he has to talk to his guests now. He said this is a totally bizarre conversation. Howard said Gary made him feel totally self conscious about listening to that song. Howard said Gary has known him for over 10 years and he still thinks that way about him. He said it doesn't make sense. Howard said Gary is a mess and his teeth are huge. He said his gums and lips are too. Gary asked if they grew while he was in there. Howard said he just can't stop looking at them. He said he should put a bag over his face. Howard told him to get out of there. Gary said this is like high school all over again. Howard said he resents his view of him.
Howard read some faxes about Gary and how he's the poseur, not Howard. Howard said Gary is the guy who likes popular bands and he's actually the guy who doesn't like music. Gary said he likes the Counting Crows album. Howard said if he was having anal sex with a guy he might put that album on. He said if he was showering with the mayor maybe he would put that on. Howard said he had to wrap up and take a break. They ended up talking for a little bit longer and Gary said he likes the band KoRn. Howard said Gary turns on the radio and listens to whatever is on. Gary asked Howard how he gets his new music. Howard said he gets CDs and goes into a record store once in a while. Howard said he wishes he was a fly on the wall in Gary's house to hear what he really thinks of him. He said there must be a lot of flies on his wall.
In the clip Howard was talking about this porno he saw and how bad the music was in it. Howard said they hadn't figured out how to mix the music with the sound yet in this movie. Howard said it's really not that hard to do. He said he can do it with a camera he has at home. Jackie said they may be too lazy to go back and do it.
Howard said this is the weirdest porno music ever. He played a clip from the movie and it was a lot of drums. He said this woman is missing a leg and she has her stump out. Jackie said maybe the person who sent them the clip put that music in. Howard said that can't be the case. He said that it has to be the music that was in the movie. Howard laughed as the clip was playing. He made up some lyrics to go along with it. Howard also said that it sounds like the music they play on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
In the clip Howard said that Fred never plays his music on the show so he's going to play some of his CD. Howard said Fred doesn't know that he can do stuff. He said Fred does raps before every song too. Robin and Fred were going back and forth with comments about each other and making fun of each other. Robin was laughing at the comments she had for Fred and Howard didn't understand what was so funny.
Howard said he's going to play the song and he wrote this for his girlfriend Princess Norris. Howard said that they might need to analyze this song.
Howard played the song and Howard was talking about how he thought it was like Bruce Springsteen but some other people said he's more like Frank Zappa with the raps. Fred said he would go with that. Howard let the clip play and said that if you give Fred a mic he won't shut up. He said he's the same way on the phone. Gary said Fred isn't like that anymore. He said he just gets right off the phone. Howard said he might try calling him then.
In the song Fred was talking about how Leslie West inspired this song ''I Love You So Much It Hurts.'' Howard said there seems to be confusion before the song. Fred said he was playing on someone else's amp. He said he can't talk and play at the same time. Howard was making up his own lyrics before Fred started singing.
Gary said he thinks that Fred was singing about breaking up with his girlfriend. Fred said that's what it was about. He said it was kind of fantasy more than anything else but he was thinking about leaving her in that fantasy. Howard asked when this happened. Fred said he was getting serious and he didn't think it was a good idea so he backed off and she got angry. He said that's pretty much what it's about.
Howard let the song play and asked who is playing drums. Fred said it's Frank Fallon who used to work there with them. Howard asked if this is the first time his girlfriend is hearing the song. Fred said it is. He said he doesn't play his music for anyone. He doesn't even invite her to the rehearsals. Howard said he could make her a go-go dancer. Fred said he was thinking about that.
Howard said he can't wait for the year 2000 so he can finally hear what Fred is thinking now. Fred said he'll catch up.
Howard said that this is no Pot Song but it's good. Gary told Howard he thinks that the rap he goes into is about him. Fred said he doesn't know if it's about Howard or not. Howard started to play the clip but Gary said it was the wrong one. He said he'd pull it for him later. They went to break after that.
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Carly Gets Evaluated. 4/19/01. 9:15am
This woman Carly came in this morning to find out if she's model quality. Howard immediately told her that she's too short and too chunky to be any kind of model. He said she has a great face but her body is way too short for modeling. Hank yelled out ''Show us your breasts!'' Howard had her strip down a little bit so he could get a better view of her body. Once again he told her that her body was too ''thick'' for modeling. She's actually a stripper. AJ Benza said that he thinks she could model if she thinned down a bit. Howard was saying how her arms were too big and Dr. Calabro called in. Dr. Calabro says that he can fix that with liposuction. Howard thinks she just needs to work out a little bit. He told her to lose about 15 pounds and she'd be fine.
Carly's friend Danielle came in and stripped down for Howard too. She was pretty hot but she was too chunky too. Howard said if she lost 25 pounds she'd be a 10. One of the girls had even shaved the Playboy bunny into their bush. She said it was pretty easy to keep up once she'd gotten it cut out. You can see both of them at CinnamonBunz.com
In the clip Howard was getting ready to end the show and he needed some music to play. Someone suggested John's music so he got his CD so he could play something from it. John came in and Fred did his impression of John trying to talk. Billy West was doing his John impression too.
Howard asked if Gary is coming back tomorrow because he doesn't like John producing the show. John said he's been doing a good job.
Howard played one of John's songs and he didn't want to hear the intro. John told him to just play track one. John told Howard that this song is played with a beer bottle. Howard told John the intro of this song was too long. John said it was coming up in about 5 seconds. Howard said it was too long. He said he hopes the dramatic opening is worth it. Howard said John is in there drumming to the song. He said he was making a weird face too.
Howard let the song play and made fun of the way John was singing. Howard told John to stop air guitaring in there too. John said Howard has sunglasses on inside so what is he talking about. Howard told him to mellow out. He said if he's going to air guitar he should stand up and do it at least. Howard said John has that big belly too and he's air guitaring to that.
Howard said he liked some of the song. He said some of the guitar was good. Howard cut the song off and said he's going to play Green Day instead. John got upset and told him he should have finished the song. Howard did an impression of John singing the song and told him to sing it now. John sang it but he said he had a sore throat. Howard sang the song with him. Howard made up his own lyrics about how the CD wasn't selling and it was in the crapper.
Fred and Billy West were doing their Beavis and Butt-Head impressions like they were John talking about the CD. Howard played more of John's song and said that Robin as taking her top off to the song.
John told Howard what the song was about and that led to all of the guys goofing on his stuttering. John thanked Howard for playing the song anyway. Howard said he has some Green Day to play now. He asked Robin if she knows their song Basket Case. Robin said she knew it but she was talking about ''Longview'' and not the song Howard was talking about. Howard played ''Basket Case'' and said this whole album rules. He sang along to the song and then played their song ''Longview.'' John didn't think that she really liked the song. He told her sing some of it. Robin did but John told her to stop. Howard said these are the songs John should be imitating on his next album.
Howard played another track, Basket Case, off the Green Day album. Howard and the guys were still goofing on John. John said they're all so bitter. He said at least he got paid to make that album. Howard said they're still trying to make their money back.
John asked Howard to play ''Get Off My Lawn.'' Howard played that one and everyone made fun of the way John was singing that one too. Howard did his impression of John singing that one and said it sounds like the other one. Fred played a plane crashing sound effect and Howard kept doing his cat impression like that's the way John was singing. Fred threw in a cat meowing sound clip too.
19 Year Old Alexis Meets Howard. 8/2/00. 8:25am
This 19 year old girl, Alexis, called in recently asking to come on the show. She came in this morning to meet Howard. Howard said that she was a very cute, light skinned, black woman. Alexis told Howard that her mother is white. Howard admired her ''nice boobs'' and found out that they're a large b-cup. She had deadlocks and was wearing a Rastafarian hat so Howard asked her about that. Alexis said that the hat is to keep your energy inside your body. Howard moved on to talk about her nice ass and belly ring. He then noticed that she had a ''treasure trail'' (hair) leading up from her genital area to her belly button. He couldn't believe how much hair was there. He spent the next few minutes telling her that she needs to do something about that. Alexis said that she kind of likes the hair. Jackie let out a loud ''OH!'' when he got a look at it. Howard suggested that she get all of that waxed off or at least shave it down. She also admitted that she has some hair around her areolas but she doesn't take it out. She said that she has ''what God gave me''. Howard told her he's never seen anything like that before. Gary came in at one point and offered her a bunch of money to get naked but she refused. She said she just can't do it for any amount of money. Howard had to move on to the next segment so he let Alexis go. He said ''Nice ass'' as she walked out.
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Toni Lamana Sings For Howard. 12/3/01. 8:35am
This woman Toni contacted the show and asked if they would evaluate her singing. Howard had her come in and spoke to her for a few minutes. They learned that she's 27 years old and she had gone to school so she'd have something to ''fall back on'' if her singing career didn't work out. Howard told her that one thing a singer should never have is ''something to fall back on'' because they won't have the drive they need for their career. They also found out that Toni had breast implants that she got in Nebraska. Some of the guys noticed that they weren't all that great though. They were off center according to Gary and John.
Howard got off the subject for a couple of seconds when he announced that Mr. Methane would be coming on the show in the near future to perform some Christmas songs. Howard played a few clips of those farting songs before Toni got to perform.
Toni finally got her chance to sing and she performed part of Aretha Franklin's ''Chain of Fools'' and then went into Whitney Houston's ''I'll Always Love You.'' She wasn't bad. Howard thought she had a great voice but she was singing other people's material. Gary thought she was a little flat when she sang and KC thought she needed to move around more while she was singing. The guys convinced her to get into a bikini to perform her original song. She got changed and came back out in a bikini top. She then performed the song and the guys didn't think she sounded bad at all. Howard said he doesn't like the kind of music she was singing but she doesn't sound any worse than the pop singers that are out there today.
A couple of guys claiming to be from record companies called in and said they might be interested in her. Howard told her to lie about her age and lose 10 to 15 pounds and she'd be all set. He was actually surprised that she had a nice ass. She didn't want to show it but she did give them a quick view of it somehow. Howard let her go after talking to her for a couple more minutes.
In the clip Gary told Howard he had the tape from the Bob Dylan concert. Howard said that the crowd was booing Sinead O'Connor. Howard said he didn't know why Gary would want to go to that concert to begin with. He said Dylan isn't all that great. Gary said he was ready to leave by the last song Dylan did. Howard said that you can beat the traffic if you leave when he comes out.
Gary said they had the GE Smith Band first and then they brought the other acts out. Robin said they had TV coverage of the concert and John Mellencamp was the first act on that. Howard said that's much better.
Howard played some of the songs that were performed on the special. They had people covering Dylan songs in the concert. Howard said Mellencamp sounds like Dylan doing the song. Howard said that Dylan is such a maniac that he has to come out and perform his songs in a different way.
Stuttering John came in and said that he was at the concert too. Howard asked how they all got in there. Gary said he paid for his tickets. John said he was able to get back stage passes. Howard said he thought Gary had free tickets and he was wondering how they all get them. Gary said he paid for his.
Robin said she heard they had 22 million viewers for the special. Howard said that can't be possible. Howard said there aren't even 22 million people who know who Dylan is.
Howard played another clip from the concert where they did a cover of ''Knockin On Heaven's Door.'' Howard said he hates when all of the artists get together and do a song together. He said they have like 17 drummers and 50 guitar players. Howard played the clip and goofed on Dylan's weird singing. He asked if he was even singing in English. Gary said it sounds like he's doing an imitation of a parody of himself.
Gary told Howard about Sinead O'Connor and what she was doing on stage. He said she was going nuts and got booed off stage. Howard said he heard that she made a face like she was going to throw up after Kris Kristofferson hugged her. Gary said she was pissed at the band and yelling and screaming. Howard said maybe she was on her period.
Gary said Neil Young followed her and that's the opening act everyone should have. Howard said Neil went right into All Along the Watchtower when he came out. Howard said Sinead ripped up a picture of the pope and she should know that it's going to piss people off. Howard ended up going off on Madonna during that discussion too. He said he wants to interview that nut too. Robin said she'll never come in there.
Howard got back to the audio of Neil Young and let that play for a short time. He played some other performances from the concert too. He talked about Tom Petty screwing up one song. Howard said the guy looks like the Crypt Keeper.
After an edited out break Howard had the Sinead O'Connor freaking out clip he asked for earlier. Howard said she had a really weird reaction. He said she must have been raised like a veal. Howard said that guy Kris Kristofferson looks really weird. He said he's sure that people went out and got sodas during his performance. Howard and the guys were talking about how freaky Kris Kristofferson looks these days.
Howard said he knew that the worst part of this concert was going to be Dylan. He said he told Gary that before he went.
Howard played the audio of Sinead getting upset and Kris Kristofferson coming out to give her a hug. Howard said she's a bitch. She eventually just started talking and singing a song without music. Howard said it's great when you can drive someone crazy. Gary said she ripped the in-ear headphones out of her ears when she started singing. Howard said Helen Keller is a better singer than Sinead. Howard said she sucks. He let the clip play a little longer and continued goofing on her. Jackie said she sounds like Mrs. David Letterman. Howard agreed.
Howard had Fred play some game show music behind Sinead. Robin laughed and said it fits. Howard said he might be on to something. He asked for some other music. Fred gave him some other crappy music to go with the song and it worked too. Howard said he likes it.
In the clip Howard took a phone call and the caller asked what he would do in his situation. The guy said that he is a guitar player and he's trying to break into the scene in California after moving out there from Michigan. Howard wondered why the guy was putting on a voice. The guy said that he was trying not to wake his wife up.
The guy said that there are a lot of musicians out there where he's at and he's trying to be a studio musician. Howard told him to just marry Roseanne. He said he just has to do her for 4 years and he's set for life. The caller said there's not enough beer in the world to get him to do that.
The caller said that he's a good guitar player but it's tough out there. Howard said that he shouldn't have left Michigan. The caller said that it's tough out there and he doesn't know how to do it. Howard said he reminds him of a guy who can't believe that everyone is famous other than him. Howard said the guy from the Crash Test Dummies might not be that great technically but he has something that evokes emotion. Howard said that Bob Dylan may not sound all that great but he evokes emotion too. The caller started goofing on Dylan when he heard Howard bring him up. Howard said if he was a good musician he'd just go out and perform with other guys.
Howard said he's the most successful guy in radio and it's not because of his voice. He said he never had a DJ delivery. Howard said he would never get any commercial work because of his voice. He said he got one once but only because he was the only one willing to cross the picket line. Howard said that he went down and got a job for Wilson golf balls. Howard said he got in there with his voice and he knew that it was holding him back. He said the other guys had great delivery. Howard said he felt he was good at talking though. Howard said he figured out what he could do and went with that.
Howard said those guys in Right Said Fred are out there working while this caller isn't. He said he's laughing at them but they have work. Howard said he'd probably play on their record if they asked him to. The caller said he probably would.
Howard told the guy to just go out and play with some other musicians. Howard said he never got any breaks. The caller asked if he caught the end of Saturday Night Live. Howard said he didn't see it. The caller said Emilio Esteves was on the show with Eddie Vedder and when the camera came on he went into his depressed guy impression. He said he was all happy as they came back. He said he peeled back his shirt and he ended up showing a big black K on his shoulder. He said he had that for Kurt Cobain. Howard said Eddie has a shtick going so he's always looking depressed. He said that's the image he has. Howard said Ralph went to see Pearl Jam and Eddie spit about 50 times during the show.
Howard said he heard from Gary that they were smashing their instruments but Ralph told him it was the first band that did that, not Pearl Jam. Gary said that he wasn't there for the first band and Pearl Jam absolutely did smash their instruments. He said Ralph is out of his mind.
Stuttering John came in and backed Gary up with his story. Howard said it might be fun to hear Gary and Ralph fight over that. Gary said there's no fight, he's right.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to the caller about what he should do. John asked where he lives because if he writes songs he might be able to help. Howard told him to shut up. He said he's in no position to help anyone.
Howard told the guy to perform something for him. The caller said that it's very late there. Gary said he has the chance to play for millions of people right now. Howard said he'll let him give out his name and everything. Howard told him to get his guitar and play right now. The guy said he'd get his guitar then.
Howard had Ralph on the phone so he brought up the Pearl Jam concert argument. Ralph said that it was the guy from Mud Honey that did that. Gary said he wasn't even there for that show. Gary told Ralph about what he saw and it was twice that they smashed their instruments.
Howard said it soul be interesting with Ralph going up to Albany. Gary said that Ralph will be in a car with Ratso. Ralph didn't like the sound of that. Howard said Ralph doesn't have to go. He said he can stay home. Howard said Ratso can have his own room now.
Ralph, Gary and John argued about the Pearl Jam thing for a couple of minutes. John was going through it all and trying to figure out if Ralph was stage left. Ralph said he was stage middle. Gary said he'll give Ralph that he's a bigger fan of Pearl Jam than he is. Howard said Ralph is going to move to Seattle to love closer to the band. Gary asked how that was possible. Howard said he was joking.
Howard said it's time for the caller to play his guitar for them. They spent a couple of minutes talking about record deals and TV show deals. Howard was talking about the guy who did the Ren and Stimpy cartoons and how he was kicked off the show. He said Nickelodeon freaked out over some stuff in some episodes and they didn't want to show one where the characters were hitting this guy over the head with a baseball bat. Howard said they fired the guy and now the show is bland and milk toast. Howard said the guy who did the Beavis and Butt-Head cartoon probably sold off his rights to MTV too. He said that all those guys do is bitch about how they were ripped off.
Howard had the guitar player play some stuff for them. Howard said this is Eddie Van No One. The caller played a music track and played along to it. Howard asked when the porn movie starts. Robin said they should have some grunting over this. Fred played some audio of Robin moaning and faking an orgasm. Howard had Fred stop and said this guy isn't that bad. Fred said he's technically good. He said he could probably be good as a studio musician.
Howard said the guy is just playing the whole song. Howard said he really is good. The caller said he recorded all of the parts of the song himself. Howard said if he sends that track over to him he'll pass it along to Tommy Mottola. Howard said this guy sounds like a winner to him. He said he'll do what he can for him. The caller said he can possibly get that to him. Howard told him to forget it. He took it all away from him. Howard said he was going to back him but now he'll back someone else. Howard told the guy to call Tommy himself. He hung up on him a short time later.
Howard told Ralph to go back to bed. Gary told Ralph he'll make sure that he gets Ralph a room next to Howard's for the trip to Albany. Howard said he wasn't really going to help that guy out but the least he could have done was thank him for offering.
Michel Shows Her Star Quality. 12/1/99. 7:45am
This woman Michel, pronounced Mi-kel, came in this morning to show off her ''star quality'' to Howard. She contacted the show saying that she has this quality that just doesn't get noticed. Michel was a back up singer in a band but recently quit to do the solo thing. She came in dressed in a leopard skin coat, dress and head band. Howard said she has ''kooky eyes'' but she has a nice body. Howard wanted to see some more of her skin but she didn't want to take anything off for him. After a few minutes talking to Michel, Howard decided to play ''Who Wants To Get Naked'' with her. Gary came in with his prize list and was ready to offer her a bunch of stuff to take her top off. Howard offered her a trip for two to Las Vegas, 5 plays of her song during the show and to give her tape to a bunch of record industry big wigs. She kept telling Howard that she couldn't and wouldn't do it for anything. Howard had her husband come in to see if he could help her decide. Her decision was already made and she refused. Howard had her sing her song to see if, perhaps, her talent was so great that she wouldn't need the help getting noticed. The singing was interrupted with sound effects like Beetlejuice's puking sound, dogs barking and laughter. Jackie mooned her and she eventually stopped singing. Obviously she still needs Howard's help getting noticed. He spent another 10 minutes trying to get her top off. Gary offered her a couple of Tag Heuer watches on top of everything else but she didn't go for it. Gary reminded the 29 year old that she'll be 30 in the not too distant future and no one will want to look at her then. Howard found out that she was raised Catholic and that's probably what was holding her back. She kept saying that she has morals and wouldn't get naked. Her husband told Howard it took about 3 or 4 months to get in her pants so it wasn't easy. That was the end of it. Howard gave up and let them go. One listener called in and said he was glad she didn't get naked because Howard and the rest of the guys sounded like a bunch of losers trying to get her clothes off.
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In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he was doing. Howard told him not to ask how he's doing. Then the guy was listening to his radio so Howard went off on him about that. Then the caller asked if he was live on the air or if this was a recording. Howard said he's live on the air. The caller asked him to help him get into show business because he's a singer. He figured he had some connections. Howard said he has no connections.
The caller sang for Howard over the phone so Howard muted his voice and asked Robin if he should be honest with him or not. Robin told him to be honest. Howard asked to hear one more song after he finished his first one. The guy said he could do some soul singing. Howard said he's going to be honest with him after he hears this song. The guy sang a Luther Vandross song and Howard said he's going to tell the guy he's horrible. Jackie told him he should have him sing country and a bunch of other types of music. Howard said he's not sure how much he can take.
Howard asked the caller if he wants his evaluation. The caller said he did. Howard told the guy he was horrible. He thought Howard was kidding. Howard said he's not kidding. Howard said he can sing about as good as the caller. The caller said he's been singing for 13 years. Howard said he's not that good. He asked what he's been doing to earn money. The caller said he's been working at various jobs making money. Howard asked if he's ever been paid to sing. The caller said he thinks he's good enough. The caller turned on his radio again so Howard said he's going to hang up on him. The guy said he's got his radio on in his guard shack.
Howard asked if the caller has any aspirations of being a police officer. He said he doesn't. Howard told him to say ''Will you be having fries with that Big Mac?'' The caller did it. Howard said that's what he should get used to saying.
Howard told the caller he has to concentrate on reality and stick with being a guard. The caller said that he wants to be a singer though. Howard said no one is going to pay him to sing. He said he'll chase a dream for 10 years and it won't pay off. He said he should get out now and stop wasting hours on that and try starting his own guard company or something like that.
The caller asked Howard to listen to one more thing before he goes. Howard said it won't change his opinion but told him to go ahead. Howard laughed as the guy sang another song. Howard said maybe he'll change his mind for the guy. Howard told the caller it was pretty good. Howard said it did change his mind in a way. Howard told him if he had sung that first he would have been more impressed. Howard told him to stay in music. The caller said that's a pretty drastic change. Howard said he's a very good singer.
Howard told the caller to call his music guy Peter Groper. He gave out Jackie's joke line as the number. The caller said he can sing as good as anyone out there. Howard let him go a short time later.
In the clip Howard had a woman on the phone from Canada who said she had a song about Lady Di to sing. Howard told her to quickly do that. The caller sang her song and Howard muted his voice so he could talk about her while she sang. Howard said she must be retarded. He said she thinks this song is really great. Howard said he's never heard anything so bad. He said he'll tell her that it's great and give her Jackie's phone number as the record company number.
Howard said the song shows that she's sincere. Howard said she's not a phony like all the others. Howard told her she's very talented and asked to hear her other song too. The caller sang another awful song for him. Howard said she actually sat down to write this song. Howard wondered if she was retarded. Howard said no guy would ever put up with this woman.
Howard asked if she was married after she was done with her song. The caller said she was married but he died. Howard asked if he committed suicide. She said that there were some fishy things in that situation. She said they say he overdosed back in 1988. Jackie said he overdosed on her songs. Howard asked if she thinks he was killed by someone. She said that's what she thinks. Howard said he was lucky he had her. Howard asked when she last had sex. She laughed and said she doesn't know. Howard said if she wants to record the song she can call this number. He said he'll give it to her off the air. He let her go a short time later. Howard said we're all doomed. He said he thought Canada had smarter people than we did. Robin said there's no hope anywhere. Howard said they have the same crap there that we have here.
Best Song Discussion. 6/11/03. 9:50am
During the news Robin brought up a news story about VH-1 picking Nirvana's ''Smells like Teen Spirit'' as the best song of the last 25 years. Before announcing the name of the song she had Howard guessing at what song it might be. Howard was guessing that it was a Beatles song or something like that. She had to remind him that the Beatles weren't putting out new music 25 years ago. Howard played a bunch of song parodies and went through a lot of other songs and never came up with the right song. Howard was surprised when he heard it was Nirvana's song. He said that shouldn't be the winner even though the song is great. He said he thinks Prince's ''Purple Rain'' is better than that. Artie said he thinks that Bruce Springsteen's ''Glory Days'' is the best. Howard was going to compare all three songs and try to pick the best of those three. He played ''Smells like Teen Spirit'' and ''Purple Rain'' but never got around to ''Glory Days.'' Robin said the ''Purple Rain'' song doesn't do it for her and said she'd probably go with a Guns N' Roses song before either of those. Howard didn't seem to care after playing ''Purple Rain'' so he had Robin get back to the news.
Howard 100 News, Gary's Audio Book And Wrap Up Show Previews. 11/08/10. 9:50am
Howard asked Gary why they have music playing in his audio book. Gary said they start the chapters off with music sometimes. Jon Hein said they actually play music behind him when he's reading his lists. Howard had some of that audio to play so he started in with that but said that it was really annoying. Howard played some of that and then noticed that Gary was typing with this two fingers and pointed that out. Howard said he has to take a typing class. He said Gary doesn't know where anything is. He said he's moving pretty fast for someone who types with two fingers though. Howard, Robin and Fred were all goofing on Gary about his audio book and the lists he has in there.
Gary came in and said that if Robin is going to talk about his dull book then he's going to talk about her book. Howard told him to do that on his own show. Howard played more of Gary's audio book and goofed on him some more about this list of songs that sound good on a juke box. Howard didn't understand why he would write something like that. He told Gary to stick to the shit about his mother and his brother. Howard, Robin and Fred just kept doing their impressions and goofed on Gary for a few more minutes. Howard wondered who thinks about this stuff.
Howard played some of Gary's MTV audition tape. He goofed on Gary about the words he didn't pronounce correctly. Howard threw in the Baba Booey as well. Gary asked Howard if he has auditions that he's embarrassed by. Howard said he pre reads the copy. Gary said they just gave it to him so he couldn't pre-read. Howard said he improved at least. Gary hasn't based on this audio book. Gary said ''Goodbye forever!'' like Eric the Midget did. Howard laughed.
JD came in and told Howard he had Gary's list of desert island albums. He said those are the albums that he thinks would hold up over time. Howard said Gary did nothing all those years he was listening to music. He said he didn't become a critic or anything like that. He said it's a huge waste of time. Gary disagrees. He said that he would ask gusts about stuff like that in pre-interviews. Howard didn't seem to think it was worth it.
Howard played Gary's 10 records he'd bring to a desert island. Howard said he'd throw a coconut at him. Gary went through his list in the clip and Howard goofed on him as he listened.
Howard saw Sal out in the hall goofing on Gary. He encouraged him to do that for a minute but then said that he should turn it off so he doesn't encourage it more.
Howard kept goofing on Gary's audio book and wondered how he's going to play these albums on a desert island. They were figuring that he'd play records like the Flintstones did with a bird and a coconut. Howard said he's had enough. Robin was hanging on every word. Howard said he had to get out of there. Robin said he didn't finish a thought in there. Howard did a rewind and found the spot she was talking about. Gary was referring to a story earlier in the book so that's why he didn't finish his thought.
Howard asked Steve what else he had. Steve got in a plug for Greg Fitzsimmons show which is on at Midnight tonight.
Howard had Jon Hein come in after that. He asked Jon what he thought of the whole list thing. Jon said it makes sense if you listen to the whole book. Jon then ran down his Wrap Up Show preview.
Howard said he heard that Jon took his IQ test. Jon said he thinks he choked on a couple of questions. He said that he knows he got some wrong. Scott DePace laughed when he heard that. Jon said he's not sure what it'll mean for his score. Howard said they'll find out soon. They went to break after that.
Today's King of All Judges was over around 10:50am.
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Really Bad Listener Submissions. 05/08/06. 9:45am
Howard had some stuff that listeners have sent in and it's the really bad stuff. The fist clip was a guy roasting Artie. It was horrible. Howard cut it off and played a song that a listener sent in that was really bad. Fred threw in some women gagging on cock sound effects as Howard was playing that. Another song that was sent in was really bad but Artie thought it was kind of funny. Howard played another song called ''When the Cameras Went Away'' that was really bad as well. Artie said ''What the fuck?'' after hearing that one. Another song sounded like it was recorded on cassette 20 years ago.
Gary said that the stuff they get seems so important when they open the mail but then they play it and it sounds awful. Howard said that people plead with them to play their songs but they're usually really bad. Richard came in and told Howard that one of the songs he was playing he didn't think was all that bad. He said this segment was originally called ''Stuff from the Mail'' so it was just anything and everything, not just bad stuff.
Artie said that if they just threw in Mike Walker's fart into any of those songs, they wouldn't be that bad. Richard said they get so much stuff that it's hard to keep track of it all. Howard played a song that didn't sound so bad to him. Richard told him that he never wanted to call this segment ''bad'' because some of the stuff was actually pretty good.
Howard played a few submissions from a band by the name of Chicken Skin Duffel Bag. There was another one which was a wrap song that was actually a pretty good Wrap Up of the stuff that's happened on the show. Howard thought that they could get that guy to do a song each week for what went on. Richard said that they could have that guy do the song for the Friday Show.
There was one song parody about Artie called ''Drop a Load on Artie'' that the guys thought was funny. Another one was about Howard's nose job where they sing about him becoming a ''big Jew fag.'' There was also ''Artie Took a Cum Shot.''
Various Stuff. 11/1/02. 6:05am
Howard said he got a call from a record company who wants to book The Donnas for the show. Howard and Gary never heard of them so they weren't going to book them. Then the record company said they'd perform in bra and panties. Howard played some clips from their album Spend the Night and critiqued it. He was trying to figure out if he wanted them on the show or not. He said the looked good on their album cover. Howard thought it sounded pretty '80's but Artie was enjoying it. Howard said he has a bad feeling about what the girls will look like if they perform in their bra and panties. Howard said he might let them come in though. Gary showed Howard some more pictures of the band and he's still not sure how they look. Howard then said that Gary is really horny these days. He said Gary told him that the Asian chick on ''Survivor'' this season is great looking. Howard said she looks like a dude and said Gary finds every chick hot. Gary said that Howard is just jaded because he's dating someone so hot. Stuttering John came in and said the Asian chick really does have a great body. Howard brought up the old chick on ''Survivor'' and said that she's only 53 but she looks like 80.
Howard got back to The Donnas and said he doesn't think he wants them in. Gary said maybe he'll try to get them to come in and perform topless. Howard said he thinks they'd have to perform topless and use strap-ons on each other for him to let them come in. Artie said they sound like Veruca Salt to him. Howard thought all the songs sounded very similar to one another. Howard said maybe they could come in and do a cover of a Veruca Salt song instead of one of their own. Howard also thinks that The Losers could beat them in a battle of the bands. Howard had Fred play one of The Losers more recent songs and said it was better than The Donnas. Howard said it sucks but they beat Corey Feldman when they battled his band. Howard wondered who signed The Donnas. Gary told him it was Danny Bush from Atlantic Records so Howard made a quick apology to him. Howard suggested that Danny come in wearing a bra and panties to get the band on. Gary said he thinks Danny would do a lot more than that to get the band on. Howard took a call from a woman who told Howard he should go to TheDonnas.com and see how hot they are. She said Howard doesn't know what he's missing. Howard said he's not having them on unless Danny Bush shaves his pubic hair, glues it to his face and puts IcyHot on his private parts. Gary told Howard Danny will call and let them know what he's willing to do.
Croy Gets Naked! 5/11/98. 9:25am
The always wacky Croy came in today. Croy is this 54 year old woman who is really spaced out. The first time she was on she claimed that President Reagan stole some blue prints for a ''nuclear incubation'' thing that she designed. She's been on a few times but today she came in and did the unthinkable.. She took her clothes off! She wants to be a part of the ''Frankenstein Contest'' that Howard will be holding in the next couple of weeks. The winner of the contest will win a nose job, breast implants and liposuction. Croy really wants to be a part of it so she actually took off her clothes. When she took off her top Gary was laughing hysterically. I think her breasts were really sagging low. It must have been a hell of a sight. After all of that she rambled on and on about Barbara Walters, Charlton Heston, Dan Rather and Ronald Reagan. She said she's been trying to contact Walters and Rather to expose Reagan or something like that. She's so strange it's scary. Before Croy left Howard asked her how long it's been since she had sex. 3 years is what she claimed.. She also claimed she was 26 years old. She admitted to being 54 but even that number didn't convince Howard and the gang. She looks more like 74. Howard didn't say whether or not he'd allow her in the ''Frankenstein Contest'' or not.
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Trey Brings His Girlfriend In To Get Topless. 07/14/1999. 7:55am
This guy Trey called in earlier in the show and asked Howard if he could bring his girlfriend in to get topless. He was doing this so he could get his band played on the air. He came in and his girlfriend was really hot according to Howard.
Trey is the bassist in the band Hourglass Sally but works as an office equipment salesman for Toshiba as a real job. Howard spoke to the two of them for a few minutes and noticed that Becky the girlfriend was getting excited when he asked her about getting topless. Either that or it was cold in the studio. She's not a stripper but she didn't have any problem taking off her top for Howard and the gang. She pulled off her top and kept if off for about 15 seconds according to Gary. Gary applauded her because they were so nice. Howard just said ''Wow! They're nice!'' when he saw them.
Howard then went on to play a few quick bits of Hourglass Sally's songs. The music was good but Howard wasn't impressed with the singer's Eddie Vedder-like singing. One caller called in and said they sound ''...like Candlebox on crack.'' Robin said she was actually getting sick listening to the songs. Howard gave Trey some advice by saying ''Be nice to your boss at Toshiba.''
Howard eventually got Becky to show him her thong so he'd play another track off the CD. She gave him a quick view so he played the track. You can find out more about the band at HourGlassSally.com.
In the clip Howard was listening to Stacy Rucker's song ''I Want More Howard Stern'' and said that every time they play it he sings this and he feels like an idiot. Howard said he goofs on the song but if it stays in your head the rest of the day it must be good on some level. Howard said he has to turn it off or he'll be singing it the rest of the day. Robin said that Stacy did tell him he would love the song. Howard said he made her walk on the streets with a sign saying she was an idiot.
In the clip Howard was talking about this video Jessica Hahn is in for Playboy and how it's basically a porn movie. Howard said Jessica is in positions that he couldn't even get a Barbie doll into. He said that it was so unnatural.
Howard told Gary to bring Jessica in so he can talk to her about this. Jessica came in and said this video isn't porno. She said it's just as much porno as his videos are. Howard said she's naked on a rock rubbing against stuff. Howard said it's porno. Jessica said it's not porno. She said he's going to make her cry. Robin said there is no penetration in it. Howard said this is an X-Rated movie. Jessica said she doesn't even show her vagina.
Howard said John was critiquing the video and he liked it. Howard said he figured he could be on top of that. He said that would be easy. Robin said she's questioning the fireworks and the eruptive things in the video. Howard said Jessica's body is in perfect shape. He asked if she had any work done to her ass. Jessica said she had nothing done. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. Jessica said she just works out. Howard said she should do an exercise video.
Stuttering John said that the only thing he said about Jessica was that she's ''hanging.'' Jessica thought that he was talking about her breasts. Howard said he's talking about another area. He said she might want to grow some of the hair back down there. Howard said she was completely shaven down there. Robin said it's shaved on the front but there's some hair in between. Howard said their advice is to be careful with zippers. Howard asked if she has panties on today. Jessica said she has small ones one.
Howard told Jessica she was hanging a little bit down there. Robin said they're just teasing. Robin said that's natural. Howard said it looked like a human oyster. Jessica was getting upset.
Howard said there's an article in the paper about Jessica today. He said she had a contract that she wouldn't do any scenes with animals or guys or touching. Howard read a quote from Jessica where she says that she had to be free and she just blocked out everyone. Howard said that a guy came into the scene and Jessica got really into it after that. Jessica said his name was Rock. She said she knows they don't believe her about that. Howard said he does.
Howard kept pointing out Jessica's hanging vagina and Jessica wondered what they wanted her to do about it. Howard said she could tuck it in. John said she could pierce it. Jessica said that she was going to kill them. Howard said she hangs more than he does. Howard said he noticed Jessica picking lint out of herself when she got naked in the bathroom that one time. Jessica said she uses baby wipes to clean up after she uses the potty. She said she wants to be as clean as possible. She said that she was tapping it with a Kleenex after she went tinkle. Jessica said she was just wetting the tissue to use down there. Howard said maybe he should use baby wipes. John told her that maybe she should use baby wipes on her belly button.
Howard said Jessica does hang a little. He asked if she ever ties them in a knot. Jessica said now she feels deformed or something.
Howard said he had the nudity clause from Jessica's contract. Howard read the clause where they say she won't have to do any sex act with any inanimate object or any animals. Howard said she ended up doing all of that. Howard said this was porno. Jessica said this is not porno. She said that porno is dirty and stuff spilling all over. John said it is porno. Robin said that it's something to get aroused to and that's what this is. Howard said that's right. Jessica said it's not porno.
Howard said Jessica could paint some stuff with her hanging stuff. He said she could sell the art. Jessica said she can't fix that down there so she's feeling bad now. Howard asked if she has special make up down there. Jessica said no. Jessica said she may never take her clothes off again.
Howard played some audio from Jessica's video. Jessica said she can't believe Howard didn't watch the whole tape. Howard played some clips and laughed at what she was saying. Howard made fun of what she was saying in the video. Jessica didn't sound so happy about the stuff he was bringing up.
Howard played one clip where Jessica talks about being confident but also being confused. Howard said he loves that one. Howard, John and Robin were all having fun making fun of Jessica's comments in the video. Jessica was taking it pretty well and not getting too upset. Then she wondered why she comes in there to go through this.
Howard read a fax they got from someone asking Jessica to cover the windows with her meat flaps. Then Howard had Fred playing sound effects of Jessica's lips flapping in the wind.
Howard played more audio and said that she should have reenacted the scene with Sam Kinison where he released his bowels in the hotel room. Jessica just said ''poor man...'' Howard had no idea what Jessica was talking about in this video clip he was playing. Howard did an impression of her talking about that stuff and about her flaps. Howard said she looks great in the video. He said they found one little flaw. Jessica said they are little flaps. They're not that bad.
Howard asked to smell Jessica's belly button. She said she didn't want to do that. Howard said he smelled it once and it had an odor and Jessica got upset about it. Howard said Jessica does like being touched. She said she does but she's not doing that today. Howard played more of her audio clips and goofed on those some more. They spent a minute talking about Sam Kinison before wrapping up.
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Old Susan Comes In. 1/12/01. 7:20am
This woman called in the other day and asked if she could come in and strip for Howard's birthday. She said she was 5'8'' tall and weighed 116 pounds. It sounded good until she said she was 39. Howard said that was a little old for him. He let her come in anyway. She came in and Howard said that she's not 39... She's older. She admitted that she's actually 49 but she does weigh only 116 pounds. She said she wasn't going to strip for him either. Howard didn't mind because she was so old. She did sing an awful birthday song for him. After that Howard was ready to get rid of her. She didn't want to leave before getting some pictures taken with him though. Howard then saw how excited she was and asked her if she'd have an orgasm if he hugged her. She said she would so Howard gave it a try. She went over and ended up groping him. She grabbed his ass and even his crotch before Howard got rid of her. She really was excited and out of breath after that. She may just have had an orgasm. Howard finally wrapped things up and went to commercial.
Howard Stern Show Sound Byte Contest Finals. 02/01/12. 8:30am
Howard said they have a $10,000 prize to give away today. The prize money is from Identity Guard. He said that they have 5 people there who sent in song parodies made from audio clips from the show.
First up was Chris who manages and office for a construction company. He said he used to run a recording studio. He said today it's tough to keep it going. He said that he lives in the Boston area and it's hard to have a company like that. It's too easy to do that stuff at home these days. Howard said that a lot of people named their song the same thing. This one is ''Howard Stern Is The Man.'' Howard said they have people like Fred and Gary judging the contest today. He said he has a special judge today too. His name is JD Harmeyer. Howard said he was going to name Will but JD is much funnier. Will agreed.
Howard asked JD when he's going to cut his hair. JD said he will when he feels like it. JD said he's letting it grow and people tell him it looks better. Howard asked if he's having a better sex life now. JD said he hasn't. Robin asked if he's watching the Napoleon Dynamite cartoon. JD said he has seen the first two episodes. Robin said she likes the show. Robin asked JD to say ''dang it'' for her. JD did it but he wondered if he should do it as JD or as Napoleon. Robin said his own voice would be fine. JD did it and it sounds an awful lot like Napoleon.
Howard said that Chris MacDonald is first up today. He played his song byte contest entry ''Howard Stern Is The Man.'' He used the ''Howard Stern is the man'' audio clip and a ton of other clips from the show.
Howard introduced Jordan Moser next. He said he's only been listening to the show for 6 months now. He said he's a sound engineer for TV and radio. Howard asked how the song came to him. Jordan said he heard the George Takei ''Actually I like to touch'' clip and that inspired this song. He said that the Debbie the Pet Lady stuff reminds him of his mom so he thinks that those prank calls are hilarious. Jordan's song is also called ''Howard Stern Is The Man.'' Howard played the song which was another great mix of George Takei, Little Lupe and a bunch of other clips.
Howard introduced Adam Vargas next. He's from Texas. Adam said he's been playing guitar for 20 years and he makes a living from that. Howard asked where he plays. Adam said he does studio sessions and plays with bands in the Latin market. Howard asked if he ever worked with anyone famous. JD was laughing but he was laughing at the sound effects Fred was playing as Adam was talking. Fred was playing chicken clucking clips.
Howard played Adam's song that's also named ''Howard Stern Is The Man.'' He also mixed it up with a bunch of clips from the show. He may have used almost all of the clips that they had available for the contest. Howard said it was beautiful. He asked how long it took to put it together. Adam said it was pretty easy actually. He loves the show and he's been listening for about 20 years now.
Howard said maybe they should team up and create a super group. Howard said next up was Frank Charles. Howard said that he looks like he's been working out. Howard said he's been working out too. He said he can bench 95 pounds. Frank said he's out of shape and he thinks he could lift 195 pounds. He's only 5'4'' tall though. He said that when you're not a good looking guy so he has to make his body look good. He said he's a DJ so he's like a star when there are no stars in the room. He said that there are some people who can do pretty well doing that kind of thing. He said that he made good money working at a hotel in Vegas working for the son of Spain's Prime Minister. Howard asked if he gets laid a lot. Frank said everyone gets laid in Vegas. He said he has a lot of stories. He said he has gone out to his car to fuck girls while he's got his DJ stuff playing on auto. He said he has banged porn stars from the AVN conventions too. Howard asked if they're 10s. Frank said he has had 10s and some 7s and 8s. He said he's had threesome's and things like that too.
Fred told Howard that you get to work with stripper type girls at the clubs and you get a relationship going whit them and then take them home and bang them. He said he has cut back from what he was doing in his 20s though. He said that he's been in Vegas for 8 years and the women there are easier than they were in New Jersey. He said you can get laid in a heartbeat out there. He said he will never live on the East coast again after living in Vegas. Howard said JD just moved out there and he's no longer a judge.
Howard said he had women come on to him out in Vegas and he's right about how crazy things were out there. Frank said he wishes he was Howard. He said he could get so much free stuff out there. JD suggested they move the show to Vegas. Howard said he'll be out there for a week soon. Frank said he saw one of the finalists from AGT out there in Vegas and it was an awful show.
Howard said Frank's song is called ''Robin Disco Yayo.'' Frank said that he used the sound clips to create the music. He said that he made Robin sound like a singer. He said he used reverb on her but he didn't augment her voice. Howard played his song a short time later. Frank used Robin's ''Cocaine'' singing and put a beat over that. He had her saying a bunch of other things about her pussy, breasts and needing a cock. Howard said the song was sexy. He said JD had his pants off. Howard said maybe he'll play the winning song on Letterman tonight.
Howard asked JD if he was jealous of this guy. JD said he'd love to be able to bang strippers all the time. He's busy watching The View instead though.
Howard introduced Craig Lough next. He's from the Philly area. He said he gets no pussy or blow like Frank does. Howard asked what he does for a living. He said he's been playing music his whole life and he played in some bands. He said he's been making computer based music for about 10 years now. He's a manager of a bowling alley right now. He said he was a prison guard for a while. He said he had to get out of there though. Howard asked if he abused the prisoners. He said he didn't and he didn't really see that going on there. Craig said it was a county prison and it's not as bad as the movies make it out to be. Howard asked if Craig saw anyone fucking in prison. Craig said that doesn't really happen in county prison. He was only at that job for 2 and a half years. He said it wasn't that bad.
Howard asked if managing a bowling alley is fun. Craig said it is kind of fun. Howard asked how long he's been a fan. Craig said he grew up listening but he hasn't listened lately. He said he doesn't have Sirius so a friend told him about this contest. He said this song is called ''The JD Bounce.'' Howard played the song and it had Eric the Midget ''Ack, Ack'' clips as the beat. He had a bunch of other clips from the show like Beetlejuice, Ronnie the Limo Driver yelling and more.
Howard said everyone got in there. He congratulated Craig on that. He said that they heard from all of these guys and only one can win the $10,000. Howard said it's time to judge. He had Fred play some judging music.
Howard went to Gary for his vote first. Gary said he thinks that the first song was the best one. He gave his vote to Chris. Howard played a little bit of that song.
Howard went to Robin for her vote next. Robin said she thought all of them were very catchy and entertaining. She said that they all win on that level. She said she went with the one that was the best groove and that was Jordan's song. Howard played a little bit of that one too.
Howard went to JD next for his vote. JD said it was between number 1 and 4. He said he went with his favorite groove or whatever so he went with number 4. That was Frank's song.
Howard went to Fred Norris for his vote next. Fred said they were all great but there were little things that separated some of them. He said number 1 and 5 had level problems. He said that number 1 was more of a remix song. He said number 2 and 3 were the ones he brought it down to. He said Jordan was very good so he went with number 2.
Howard said he could throw this into a tie. He said that Jordan is feeling like he can win now. Howard said he could give it to one of the other guys that got a vote but he's going to stick to his original thought. Howard said he thinks it's about who is the best. He felt that the two guys who had the best performances were number 2 and number 3. He said that Jordan and Adam had the best songs. He said that Adam's was very catchy and he made it a rock song. He said it was a structured song so he's going to give him the vote. He said that throws Jordan into the win. Howard said Jordan won so he played more of the song. He even sang along with the Little Lupe ''Pu, Pu, Pu, pussy'' beat he had going on in that one. Howard played some of Adam's song too. Howard really liked that one.
Howard said they all get $250 cash for coming in. Howard said they were all great. Howard thanked Identity Guard for the prize money too. Howard gave them some plugs and then went to break.
In the clip Howard was talking about the talent contest they had coming up. He told Fred to find 10 albums to give away to the winners. He said he had Marvin Hamlish coming in to judge. Howard played some music and sang a song as Marvin. Then he said he had Marvin in the studio. It was Fred doing an impression of Marvin and yelling across the studio to him.
Howard said he had Don Kirschner in the studio next. It was Fred again doing the impression. Howard tried to have a conversation but ''Don'' wouldn't stop talking. Howard told him to relax and they'll try to find some talent out there.
Howard started the talent contest and had a woman on the phone who didn't have a talent. Howard hung up on her. Howard took another call from a woman who didn't know if she was on the air. Howard said it was time to end the contest. He hung up on her too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has some talent. The caller told Howard he enjoys the show and it's always gotten his day off to the proper start. He said his name is known far and wide. Howard said this sounds like Don Kirschner. The caller said he could do a Truman Capote impression. Howard told him to do it. Robin came in and asked who that was supposed to be. The caller, it was Fred, did a Walter Cronkite impression too. Fred did a few impressions for Howard after that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he had some talent too. He said he could sing. He sang for Howard but it was a pretty bad performance.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she could sing. She performed for Howard and the guys ended up laughing at her.
Another caller said he could sing. Howard had him demonstrate his talent. The guy sang a Led Zeppelin song and he was awful. Howard said this guy breaks him up. Howard put him on hold.
Howard picked up on a woman who said she tells mean jokes. Howard had her demonstrate her talent too. She told a joke but Howard knew the punch lines to her jokes. Howard had the guys give their scores for her and then took another call.
The next caller performed a Rolling Stones song but Howard gave it to the woman who told the jokes. Howard gave her the prize package of about 10 albums.
Various Stuff. 3/4/03. 6:05am
After the break Howard had some music playing. He said he doesn't get many people sending in tapes of their bands these days. He said he never got anything good though. He said the only good thing he got was a song from Kid Rock years ago. He said he couldn't even play that one on the radio though because it was so dirty. Howard said some guy just recently sent in a CD so he had Gary bring that in. Gary said that has been coming in every day for months now so that's why they're finally going to play it. Howard wondered if he should listen to it first or call the guy. He decided to wait until he was on the phone. Robin said she likes the guys that are like 40 years old and still trying to get famous.
Howard had this guy George (from Elements of the Soul) on the phone. George is the guy who sent in the CDs that they were going to play. The guy said he was taping the show for his lawyer because they're in negotiations with some record companies. Howard asked him what he's going to do if he thinks the song sucks. The guy said his band is doing something that no one else is doing right now. Howard told the guy he was going to be honest with him. He then played the song ''Porno.'' Howard, Robin and Gary were going to judge it. Howard said it started out good but the singing was like a rock opera. Howard said it wasn't all that good and the singer kind of sucked. George told Howard he should have played more of it than he did. Robin agreed with Howard but said she was questionable with the start of the song. She said she was devastated by the singing. Gary gave his thoughts and said it was a little derivative of some older music. Howard gave it a 3 out of 10 as did Gary and Robin. Howard was happy about one thing... George's phone quality. He said he was glad he was able to hear what he was saying. George thanked Howard for letting him be on the show and thought being compared to Guns N Roses and Rush, which Gary did, was a great thing.
After the call Howard said it really is hard to tell someone they suck so now he knows how Paula Abdul feels on ''American Idol.'' Howard played a few more seconds of the song and said ''let's never do that again.'' Howard had to take another break before getting to the 80 year old banging list Gary had for him. Howard said they should do an ''American Idol'' type of show when they go out to Las Vegas. He said he used to do stuff like that years ago on radio and even won an award for it. He said he had no idea it would be a big hit like ''American Idol.'' Howard said they're going to put out the call for people's rock and roll tapes and they'll hold a contest out in Vegas. Right now they don't have a set date for Vegas but Gary said it might be late April.
Mammary Lane - Tribute Bands - August 8, 1996. 03/17/10. 8:30am
Next up we heard Jon and Gary introducing another segment where Howard told a story about a Doors tribute band. This segment was from august 8, 1996. I didn't have this in my archives so here's a quick rundown:
In the clip Howard was talking about KISS since Fred had played one of their songs as they were coming back. Stuttering John came in to talk about going to see KISS. He told Howard how funny it was. That led to them talking about smoking weed at the concert and how Howard has no desire to get high anymore.
Howard said the funniest thing out there in music is tribute bands. Howard said he remembers that there used to be a Beatles tribute band that did a play called BeatleMania. Howard said that the band always names themselves after a song that the band does. There were some Doors bands like that.
Howard said Gary went to see one of the concerts that a Doors tribute band did. Gary told Howard about what that was like. He said that the guy was acting like Jim Morrison at the start of the show. He was playing drunk and acting like Jim did. He had his shirt off and he was running around like he was loaded.
Steve Grillo came in and said that these guys act like they're the real guy. Gary said there are many tribute bands like that and they do it for band like the Doors, Bruce Springsteen and more.
Howard said Gary saw Crystal Ship perform. He said they were a Doors tribute band. Howard said he never liked The Doors. He said his father would bring home free albums and he'd throw them away.
Gary said when he was in college the Doors were huge. He said that they'd all go to see this tribute band because Jim Morrison was dead. Robin said the audience acts like they're seeing the real thing.
Howard said Gary saw the band perform and the lead singer climbed up into the rafters like Jim would do. Howard had Gary hold off on telling the story because he wanted to play some Doors music as he told the story. He had some trouble with the turntable though. He said the record was off balance so it wasn't working right. He eventually got the record to play but the arm was bouncing off. They got a quarter to put on the tone arm so it was weighed down.
Gary said he hears this music and realizes that he wasted 1982 and 1983 listening to that. Howard said they should get rid of the turntables in there. He said it's a waste.
Gary got back to his story and told Howard about how the guy climbed into the ceiling of the club and he went into a ceiling tile because the ceiling was open. He ended up getting up on the tiles and swinging over the crowd. Then he gets over the drum kit and the ceiling collapses. He said he fell into the drum kit and he got up in pain. Howard was laughing as he retold the story Gary just told.
Gary said the guy fell back first onto the drum kit. He said the guy was acting just like Jim Morrison would have in concert when he was wasted. Gary said they continued the show after setting the drums up again. Howard said that's so funny and he wishes that they had a tape of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Crystal Ship and they weren't bad. He said there's another tribute band who does something similar and the lead singer was a dick. He said that the guy said he didn't want pictures taken of him but he called himself ''Mr. Mojo.'' The caller said the guy broke his camera that night. He said he yelled at him and the guy said he didn't want to talk because he was in a trance.
Howard said he has to take Robin out to see one of these tribute bands sometime. Howard said it's great to watch. The caller told them more about that band he saw and he said there was only one nice guy in the band. He said that guy was the keyboard player.
Howard asked Gary who this Van Halen tribute band called Atomic Punks. Howard had some audio of them playing and the lead singer does the same kind of talk up for songs that Roth would do. Howard played that and he said the guy is kind of like David Lee Roth but not quite so he's even more annoying. Howard played a couple of clips of that band and laughed at the way the guy talked up the songs. Gary said he has video of this band so Howard said he has to watch that. Howard said they have to get them on the show too. They spent a couple more minutes in that before wrapping up.
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In the clip Howard said he had to get through some more women for the Pay-Per-View event they have coming up on New Year's Eve. Howard talked to one girl who he knew from doing some Snapple commercials. Howard asked if she's ever taken her top off on TV before. She said she hasn't.
Howard said the next girl, Ann, is 18 so she's too young. Howard asked what she does. She said she can milk a cow. Howard asked to see her body. She said she didn't want to do that because she's too shy. Howard said she should milk the other girl.
Howard said he's seen this other girl before too. He said she has a lot of earrings. Howard said she kind of created a look with that. Robin said she has a pierced eye lid. Howard said that's weird. Howard said her boobs aren't bad but she wants implants. Howard said she's covered in tattoos so her parents must have started abusing her when she was born. Howard asked to see some of her tattoos. She had them all over her body. Howard said he hates when women do that to their body.
Howard asked if she's into guys or girls. She said she's bi. Howard said she seems like such a sweet girl. He said she put together a look for herself with the chains and piercings. Howard said she's not that bad. Gary said she's kind of skinny but her arms are built up. Howard asked to see her butt. She showed it and Howard said it's not bad. The tattoo on her back was the Marine Corps eagle. Robin said that's what Howard wanted to get on his back.
Howard asked the pierced girl if she was into being dominated and stuff. She said she can go either way. Howard said he'd dig a session with her. Howard said he must be out of it to dig that. The girl said she's a big fan. Howard said she looks like Cousin It a little bit. The girl said Howard is getting there too.
Howard said he has to get to more girls. They brought in a few more. Howard talked to those girls and they all introduced themselves. One of them, Ashley, was a mistress and the other girls came in with her. Howard said he's not sure he believes they're all into this. Howard asked if they were entering as 3 people and if they would split the money 3 ways. Howard said one of the girls has B.O. and hasn't showered in a few days. One of the girls said it must be coming from his side.
Howard asked to see some lesbianism. The girls did something with a vibrator. Howard said they were doing some stuff and it was very visual. Howard said he'd give them an 8. The other guys were much lower with 5, 4, and 3 scores.
Howard let those girls go and Gary brought in another group. Howard asked if all four were together. Howard said he has seen this one girl before. He said she's been at a book signing. Howard talked to her about her piercings and then asked the girls to kiss. He said they appear to love each other. Gary laughed when they were done. One of the girls got lipstick all over her. Howard had the girls do some other stuff for them. Howard wasn't sure what was going to happen. They had a guy in the studio to help them out. Howard said he might have to bleep it out. They were painting toe nails and doing something with a carrot. Howard got the guy's scores and gave them an 8. He said the other guys were 5s and 4s. Howard said they could get into the local pageant with that kind of talent. One of the women said she was embarrassed. Howard told her not to worry about it.
Gary said they had one more set of girls. He brought them in a short time later. Howard talked to that girl who said she's a swimsuit model. She was 19 years old and she said her boobs were real. Robin said they have to check the rules on this. The model said they told her to come on down today even though she's only 19. She said she wanted to play a game of Twister with Howard. She said it would be with baby oil and her in a bikini. Howard said he thinks that she needs a talent better than that. Howard asked the next girl if any clothes were coming off. She took her top off for Howard. Howard said she's a little modest. Howard said she's a red head. Howard asked if she has a talent. She said it's very visual and they told her he probably wouldn't get to it. She said she does a thing with whipped cream.
Howard asked the third woman what her talent is. She said she can turn her eyelids inside out. Howard asked to see it. Howard said she looked better with her glasses off. He said she didn't really have the looks or the talent. Howard thanked her for coming in.
Howard asked the second girl what her talent was. Gary asked her to whisper it into his ear. Gary later told Howard that they could wait to see that talent. He said she can drink a drink, that has a dirty name, with no hands. Howard said they had to get out of there after that.
Katrina Chester Comes In. 8/20/02. 9:10am
Actress Katrina Chester came in to talk about the play she's in, ''Love, Janis'' in which she plays Janis Joplin. Howard said she's much hotter than the real Janis Joplin. Gary told Howard she wasn't ''smokin hot'' but Howard didn't know what he was talking about. Howard said she was really cute. Her voice was also similar to Janis' whisky voice. He told her she has a nice chest too. Howard thought that she was coming in to sing naked but it turns out that Chaunce Hayden from Steppin Out Magazine is the one who told them she was going to do that. Howard had no idea that's what happened. KC came in and said he's seen her topless and then yelled out ''Let's see 'em!'' She told him she'd just showed them so he missed it. Howard said she was going to sing topless for them but she wouldn't be totally nude.
Howard read some stuff from her fact sheet and some of the stuff was apparently wrong. She thought it was written by Chaunce so she said she was ready to kick his ass. She explained some of the stuff that was in the story about this stripper she hooked up with a bunch of guys. The fact sheet also said that she tries to hook her boyfriend up with other women but he doesn't take advantage of that. There was one fact that said she has very little hair on her private parts and doesn't need to shave. She wondered how anyone would know that about her. Howard said he wanted to see it but she wouldn't show him. The sheet also said she's going to be featured in FHM magazine and Playboy is looking to get her also.
Gary came in and said that Katrina told him she doesn't believe in marriage. She said that's not exactly what she said. She actually said that she doesn't think that two people are going to have sex only with each other for the rest of their lives. Howard said she's right.
Adam Carolla asked Howard what she was wearing. Howard said she had a belly shirt and some jewelry on. He also said that whatever she was wearing was too much.
Howard read that Katrina wants to have sex with Gina Gershon. She said that's true and then went on to talk about a lesbian experience she had. She said she was in a lesbian relationship with this woman for a few months and then she got a boyfriend. They eventually hooked up and had a threesome. She said that she made up rules about the threesome and said that her boyfriend was not allowed to penetrate the other woman but he could do anything else. If she got uncomfortable she'd end it. She said she went on and said they fooled around a bit and eventually had to get a glass of water. When she got back her boyfriend and the other woman were doing it. He peeked his head around and said ''It's not what you think!'' Katrina said she broke up with both of them after that.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that Katrina was saying that some of his facts were wrong but she wasn't arguing them. She gave one of the examples and what Chaunce had written was just a little bit off of what she actually said. She corrected him and Howard hung up on him. He then asked her if she wanted to sing. She took off her top and got ready to perform ''Bobby McGee'' for him. Howard said her breasts were really nice. He said he loves topless women. Katrina said she doesn't like her breasts that much. KC came in and said that they were really nice. A short time later she sang the song and sounded very much like Janis Joplin. Howard and the others thought she sounded really good. Katrina said she didn't listen to much of Janis' music because the director didn't want her to do an impression of her for the show.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Katrina is putting too much thought into it and sang a little bit for her. She sounded almost as good as Janis also. Fred had the crow cawing in the background as Howard hung up on her. Another guy called in and sang a little bit for them too. He was horrible but said a few funny lines that Adam seemed to enjoy.
Katrina said she wanted to promote her band as well as the show she's in. You can get more info about the play at LoveJanis.com and more about her band Luxx at Luxx.com.
Rock Band Drinks Toilet Water To Have Their Song Played. 8/11/97. 8:15am
This band stopped by the station last week but didn't get the chance to do what they wanted to do. They came back today to drink the dirty toilet water wrung out of Howard's underwear. Howard said that he didn't change his underwear for the whole weekend. He had sex with his wife 3 times and took a dump a few times over the weekend and kept the same underwear on. He put the underwear in the toilet about an hour before the band, 'Grin Cynic', showed up. Stuttering John did the dirty work of wringing out the underwear. He wore rubber gloves while doing it. They got a total of about half a coffee cup worth of the filthy water. The guy who actually drank the water was the band's manager I believe. He gulped it down and popped a piece of gum in his mouth when he was done. He did this just so the band could get their song played on the show. So Howard played it and it was a pretty decent song if you're into the heavier side of rock. After Howard took a commercial break there was a record company guy on the phone. Harvey Leeds from Epic said that he really liked it and they should send their demo to Ozzy Osbourne's new record company. We'll see what happens.
Today's King of All Judges special was over around 10:50am
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Cockyoke Battle Of The Bands. 03/04/10. 8:55am
After the break we heard a prank call Richard made to a woman who was selling some stuff and asking about stuff she had already sold. Fred played Aerosmith's ''Walk This Way'' as they were coming back from break.
Howard came back and said he's going to sing that song when he's a contestant on American Idol. He quickly moved on to this new segment they were going to do. They have 5 bands there who want a shot on the air. He said that they have a chance to win 5 grand but if they win, they have to deal with what's behind the curtain. Howard said that the bands haven't agreed to do anything yet. Howard told Will to bring them in so he can let them know what's going on.
Howard said that all of these guys are in the business and trying to make it. He said that the lead singers are the ones who have to deal with what's behind the curtain.
First up was Abe Schmidt who said that their band is a pop rock band. Howard told Abe that he has to deal with what's behind the curtain and he'll show them what that is in a minute.
Howard met the second lead singer (Geoff Antonio) who was in LSA (Myspace.com/LatinSupremoAllstars) which is a Latin Black Eyed Peas type of band. He figured that Will the Farter was behind the curtain. Howard said that was a good guess.
Howard met band 3 and he was in God Trunk Inrubus or something like that. Howard asked where he was from. He wasn't answering questions seriously. Howard asked what he thinks is behind that curtain. He said someone trying to chop off his dick.
Howard met the next band lead singer, Mike Brindisi. They do some rock and roll. Howard met the final band and talked to Sean Scanlon about this competition.
Howard said that he'll understand if anyone wants to back out of this. He said that it's going to be horrible. He said that the winner gets $5,000 and that's from PennyStockChaser.com. Howard said he was going to introduce to them what's behind the curtain. It was Sal standing there with his cock out and calking himself ''Harry Houweenie.'' Howard told the guys that they were going to have to sing into Sal's penis in a Cockyoke competition.
Howard asked Abe if he was willing to do it. Abe said yes. He said he has never done anything like that but they were going to play. Their band is The Heartless (Myspace.com/TheHeartless). LSA was up next. They were also willing to do it. Howard said he figured they were out the door as soon as they saw that.
Howard went to band 3 and asked if they would do it. They were also willing to play. Howard said he figured the guys were going to walk out the door. Howard said Scott DePace figured all of them would walk out.
Band number 4 was also willing to do it. Howard asked the last band if they were going to do it too. He said he wasn't backing out since everyone else was staying in.
Howard asked Fred if he thinks this is gay. Fred said that they're all just Rock and Roll and they're going for it. He didn't think it was gay.
Howard asked Sal about how long it took to get the mic in his cock. Sal said it took about 20 minutes. Howard told him not to poke anyone in their face or anything like that.
Howard said the first band was The Heartless. He had him get on his knees to sing his song. He had his guitarist there with him. Howard spoke to him quickly and then hand them perform their song ''Just to Be.'' Gary said they were going to do just a verse and a chorus. They quickly went into the song and Abe sang into Sal's cock.
Howard said that they sounded great when they were done. He said the song was very strong and the mic worked out just fine. Howard said the voice was good, the guitar work was good and the whole cock gimmick is great too. Abe said he was actually on Idol in the top 10 in Phoenix. He said that he went through a bunch of rounds and they took 3 out of the final 10 and they were sending the rock guys home. Howard said he was thinking about how good he was and how they need guys like that on Idol. Abe said that they were all saying yes to him on Idol so he figured that he was going to Hollywood. He said that the style didn't work for them. He said he was on the air quickly but they didn't show him singing. He said he actually had the golden ticket and then they cut him at the last minute. Howard said he didn't like hearing that and said ''Fuck American Idol!'' Howard said that he had exposed something there about Idol. He said that he got thrown out because they had too many rockers. That's not cool.
Howard moved on to the next band and said that they would judge after they were all done. Gary said that they have the two guys singing into the cock since they share the singing. Howard asked if they were both heterosexuals. They said they were but someone said ''not anymore.'' The band was LSA (Latin Supremo Allstars) and it was Geoff and Sauce singing ''Bump, Bump.'' They said they actually have an offer from Universal but they're hoping that they hear from more people after this. Howard had the guys sing a short time later. They both sang into Sal's cock. They were laughing during the singing a little bit.
Howard told the guys they did a nice job too. He asked if it was distracting when Sal was moving his cock back and forth. They said it was a little bit. Howard said that he's found some great talent there today. He said both of the bands were very good. He spent a little time talking to the guys and then moved on to band 3.
Next up was God Trunk Inrubus was up next. Howard spent a minute talking to the lead singer and then had him perform his song. He said he's going to be singing ''Drink, Drink, Drink.'' The guy got down in front of Sal and sang his song.
After the song Howard said he was doing great too. Howard asked where they found these guys. Gary said they didn't even try that hard. Howard said that God Trunk likes to party and drink. He said that all of them can sing. He said maybe it's Sal's cock that's bringing out the good performances.
Gary said that he's never seen someone so proud to show their cock. Howard said Sal was actually shrinking as it went along. Howard took a call from a guy who said this was some funny stuff. Howard said the boys were all very talented too.
Howard said that the next guy was Mike and his song is ''Words.'' He said the band is Mike Brindisi and The New York Rock (TheNewYorkRockOnline.com). Howard had him get down in front of Sal and perform his song. Mike belted out his song and Howard told him he was another talented guy.
Mike said he tried out for Idol too and he didn't make it. He said he tried out in Philly. He told Howard the story about how it worked. He said he got his ticket and went in to do his thing. He said that Ryan Seacrest came out and had them sing. He said that it took forever to get through everything. Mike said that they had 12,000 people a day to go through. Mike said they have a bunch of producers there. He said they had him sing really quick and went through them really fast. Mike said they passed on him and they shoved him out the door when he was done.
Howard said that all of these guys are talented. He had the final guy come up and his name was Sean. His guitarist Steve was there too. Howard said he has no idea how he's going to vote yet. Howard said that it's going to be a tough one. Robin said she had a decision. Howard said he might be a shitty judge on Idol if he was on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was on the side of the road puking thinking about them singing into Sal's cock. Fred said that he actually forgot about the cock because they've been so good. Fred said he thinks that one guy wasn't so good and he did concentrate on Sal's cellulite.
Howard had Sean and his band Making April (Myspace.com/MakingApril) perform their song ''Hey Katie.'' Sean did a great job with his song too according to Howard. Sean said he did Idol too and got to the final round with Simon and Randy and he got kicked out because Simon didn't like his voice.
Howard said he thought they were all going to suck. He was surprised at how good they were. Howard said he couldn't say that any of them were bad. Gary said they were all very good. He said that he was even shocked because he had heard the audio clips that everyone sent in.
Howard said he'd be proud to play any of their songs on the radio if he had a radio show that played music. He said they all have talent. Howard said it sucks they have to pick just one. God Trunk said that they should split the money so they all get $1,000 each. Howard said that he wants to walk out with that instead of zero. Howard said he would go for that if all of the bands agreed to it. The guys were saying that they got on Stern so they all did pretty good. Most of the guys seemed to be okay with the splitting.
Howard asked Robin who she was voting for. She picked Mike Brindisi. She said she loved the song and his voice. She said it sounded like something you'd hear on the radio.
Howard asked Gary for his vote. He said he liked LSA's song the best. He said that it wasn't all that original but he liked it because it was catchy. Robin said she felt it was too much like everything else she hears.
Howard asked Fred for his vote. Fred said he liked LSA but the performance was a little weak. He said that if they weren't singing into a cock it might have been better. He blamed the venue. Fred told God to get out of town. He said he doesn't have the goods. Fred said it was between Abe, Mike and Sean. He said that Sean was out because the song wasn't good. He said that Abe has to work on his look. He said Mike has a good look. Fred said he was giving the edge to Abe and The Heartless.
Howard said he had to vote and his vote was for one of the bands they had a vote for. He said he thought that God Trunk had something there even though Fred didn't. Fred said he didn't hold his attention. Howard said he thought Sean was very good. He said he wants to bring LSA's song down to SIRIUS Hits 1. He said that song can be a hit. He said he would do what he can to help them out. He said he loved the song. He said Mike was great and he can't believe they turned him down on Idol. Howard said that Abe has a look that he likes and he disagrees with Fred on that. Howard said he was going to give his vote to Abe. He said he was going with Fred on that. Abe sounded very happy about the win. Robin said she was torn between Abe and Mike. Howard said that the song was very catchy. Robin said she thought that everyone else should have gone home after that performance.
Howard said that he's going to play Abe's song all the way through and he's going to help LSA out with their song too. He said he really liked that one. Howard said he has connections so he'll do what he can.
Robin said that they might have a real competition here. She said that they can have good bands performing and fuck that American Idol.
Howard said that the 5 Grand was going to Abe and The Heartless. Howard thanked everyone for having the balls to sing into Sal's cock. He thanked Sal for doing what he did. Abe gave a quick acceptance speech into Sal's cock and said it was definitely worth it. Howard played The Heartless' song ''Just To Be'' as they went to break.
Robin's News. 09/30/10. 10:20am
Robin read some news about Blender magazine's top 10 worst songs of all time. She had a list that she went through and audio clips of some of the songs. Howard went through those and agreed with a lot of their picks. The number one worst song according to Blender was ''We Built This City'' by Jefferson Starship. Howard said that's not the worst song. He said he didn't like that song but it wasn't the worst. Howard played some of the song and said that reminds him of his days at WNBC. He was talking about how Pig Virus would give him a hard time about the way he said WNBC and introduced songs the wrong way.
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Howard had the girl dance for them. She had to dance to the song that they have clearance for on the E! show. Howard said that they should have her dance during the news and just keep her in there the whole time. He said they can break a record for dancing or something.
Gary gave Howard a camera to take some shots. Howard had her posing for him. He said he didn't get her face yet after a few shots.
Howard asked if she was high. She said she wasn't. Howard asked where she learned to dance, the Fred Astaire school? She said she goes to a lot of weddings. Howard asked if she was ever molested as a child. She said she wasn't. Howard asked when she started having sex. She said she was 18. She's never done a girl and she said she probably wouldn't want to do one. Gary said she was telling him that she wishes she had a drink before dancing. Gary didn't have anything for her. Howard told him to have a bottle of Jaeger in his office for people who want to dance. The woman said she likes to have wine. Jackie said they had a bottle of vodka out there at some point. Howard told her to come back and have vodka some other time.
Howard asked the girl a couple of questions and then Gary came in with some Champagne. Howard said he wants to see her dance drunk. He said she'll probably marry some uptight dude some day. She drank a bunch of champagne and said it was actually pretty good. Howard told her to chug it down. Howard asked her some more questions about having orgasms and stuff like that. She said that she has a bunch at a time. Howard asked if she does everything to a guy. She said that she doesn't mind using her mouth. She said she likes it with the person she's with.
Howard said these are the questions he has for her in the contest. She told Howard that she was a Hooter's girl so that might give her more points. Howard said he actually deducts points for that. She said she was just kidding then. She drank more of her champagne and then Howard asked if she likes bananas. She said she does so Howard told Gary to get her one. Howard said it looks like something he'd like to see her eating.
Gary brought in a strawberry for her to eat. She ate that and then the banana. Howard said she might throw up. He asked if they could punch her in the stomach until she throws up. She was eating the banana and Howard asked if she could put it in and out. She said she's not good at that.
Howard asked if she was feeling drunk yet. She said she had a little buzz. Howard wanted her to dance again so they played her some ''Psychedelic Bee.'' He said he had to see her dance to that. Howard had that Van Morrison song she wanted to hear too. Howard said she was coming alive now. Howard said he sees Dee looking at her now. Howard said that everyone was afraid to dance in there. He told Gary to get in there and dance. He said they must all be afraid of their wives. Howard told everyone to get in there. Gary said he was more afraid of looking like a homo dancing.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to this girl and told her they'd keep her on file. Her name was Lisa. Howard finally said it at the end of the audition. Howard let her go after that. He said she just showed up out of the blue.
Andrea The Ex-Stripper Sings Alanis Morissette Song. 8/2/99. 7:45am
This 25 year old ex-stripper Andrea came in to talk about how her teacher is suffering from Lou Gherig's disease. She wanted to come in and sing an Alanis Morissette song to prove that she's better than her also. When she came in and told Howard she was 25 years old they goofed on her and said she's got to be 30. Howard let her talk about her teacher's disease for about 10 seconds then told her to take off her top. Howard spent a few minutes talking to her and trying to find out what she does for a living. She said she doesn't strip anymore and that her fiancee supports her. She was very reluctant to take her top off so Howard told her to get out of the studio. As she was being led out she finally agreed to do it. She whipped off her top and showed her natural breasts for a few seconds. Howard told her to leave it off but she didn't want to. Howard then told her to sing in her bra. Howard demanded to see her belly and ass before she went on though. She eventually put her bra on and sang Alanis Morissette's ''You Oughtta Know.'' She did it without any musical accompaniment and during the whole thing Fred played Beetlejuice's puking sound effect and some dog barking sounds. Jackie was tossing paper at her the whole time also. After the song Robin commented that her voice is good. The first few calls that Howard took for her thought different. They all said she sounded pretty bad. Then a guy with a cover band called in and said he was looking for a singer. He was going to leave his number for her. She said that she usually sings Broadway songs and sang a few lines from some bad Broadway shows. Howard thanked her for coming in and moved on to better things.
In the clip Howard was singing a Tom Petty song and Robin said she's glad he didn't go into music. Howard said he was going to be playing dial-a-date later on and he has to get to the phones. Howard said he had a call from a woman who sounded very desperate to find a man earlier.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a boogie song for him. He said he wrote it about Howard. The guy started to read his lyrics but Howard told him to sing it and not just read it. The caller got his guitar and started to sing the song. Howard said he hopes he doesn't go into the record business. The caller said it was a quick one. Howard said that was real good. He told the guy he's a hell of a song writer. The guy said he's in a band. Howard said he's great. Howard asked what his name is because he wants to sign him up. He said he can only get together a few hundred thousand for him though.
Howard asked to hear the song again. The guy sang the song again and Howard kept telling him that he was great and his mind was blown. Howard asked Robin if she had any money to put into this guy. Robin said she'd match up whatever he puts into it.
The Losers Vs. Fozzy In A Battle Of The Bands. 3/26/03. 8:05am
Recently Howard offered to take on wrestler Chris Jericho's band Fozzy in a battle of the bands. Howard's band The Losers was created to prove that celebrity bands suck. He has competed against a few other celebrity bands and has won against them all. They are judged by people in the music industry.
Howard returned from break playing the most recent voice mail that Jericho left for him. He then had them bring Chris in. Howard said he shook his hand when he came in. He also said he was sucking up to the judges when he came in. Jericho says that they go out touring and have quite a few fans that come to see them.
Howard said there are a lot of celebrities who think they are rock stars and The Losers actually beat them. Chris told Howard they put the band together just to have fun out there.
Howard introduced the judges in today's battle. He first introduced Ben Goldman from A&R records. He's the Senior VP of the company. He then introduced Matt Pollock who works at V2 Records. He's been in the business for 16 years. Howard then introduced Tom Calderon who works for MTV and MTV2 and has been in the business for about 15 years. They all had plugs for projects they're working on for their respective companies.
Howard talked to Chris for a short time and plugged his album ''Happenstance'' which is out now.
Howard said they were going to play first because he gets kind of tense when he has to perform. Howard went over to the microphone and had the guys set up. Howard dedicated the performance to the boys fighting overseas. The Losers then performed their version of Neil Young's ''Old Man.'' It sounded as good as their rehearsal did earlier in the morning. Howard's microphone was still very low though so when he told Jericho to go ahead and try to beat that, you could barely hear them.
Jericho asked Howard if he had fun doing that. Howard said he did have some fun up there. He told the judges to hold off on their reviews until after Fozzy performed. Jericho joked that he was going to leave right then with the blonde backup singer. Howard gave Chris some plugs for the WWE special he's in on Sunday night on pay-per-view. He also gave the judges a couple of plugs and then took a break before getting to the Fozzy performance.
After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he got goose bumps after hearing The Losers play. Howard took a few more phone calls from people who thought The Losers were great. Howard wondered where the name Fozzy came from so Chris explained that they used to be a cover band called Fozzy Osbourne and they ended up shortening it.
Howard gave the microphone over to Chris after the phone calls and had them perform. Chris also dedicated their song ''To Kill a Stranger'' to the troops over in Iraq. The music was actually pretty good.
After Fozzy's performance Howard and the rest of the studio applauded them. Howard then asked them if they were done with rehearsal and wanted to do it for real. He told them he was just kidding. He also told them that they were better than Corey Feldman's band already. They seemed to be happy with that comment.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls. The audience seemed to be split on how good Fozzy was. There were some positive comments thrown in there though.
Howard moved on to Ben Goldman to get his review of the two bands. Ben went ahead and said that it was difficult to judge because the songs were completely different. He said that if he was going to sign a band it would be the from man he'd be looking at and he'd have to go with The Losers. Up next was Matt Pollack. He said he didn't have good news for Howard. He said that he wasn't feelin' it with them. He said he likes Neil Young and all but not through Howard. He said he didn't have good news for Chris Jericho either. He said that he gained points because he was huge and could pummel him. He said he wasn't a big fan of the music but their performance pushed it over the edge for him but just a little bit. Howard said he was surprised at that review.
The final Judge, Tom Calderon, gave his review and said he had to agree with the other two judges. He said he found Jericho to be very theatrical but that's not where we are musically in the world at this time so The Losers were his choice. Howard sounded thrilled that he pulled it out again. He said Fozzy sounded great and they may have been one of the best bands to take them on. Chris was taking it hard according to what Howard could see. He said he turned red. Chris said he was trying to be cool and smile but it was tough.
Howard announced that this was The Losers final performance. He said it was such a hassle to do the song that he's decided to call it quits. Howard said he just can't take the pain in the ass that he had to go through to get the song right.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Howard he did a great job. He also said some nice stuff to Artie before getting off the phone. Another caller told Howard he has to put out an album but Howard told him that's what they're trying to stop. They don't want anymore celebrity albums coming out. Howard wrapped up the segment and gave plugs for everyone who was there.
In the clip Robin was reading about the death of Ella Fitzgerald. Howard and Robin talked about how they met her on a plane once. Howard said they saw her before her legs were cut off. Robin said she died this weekend. Howard wondered what they do with the legs when they cut them off. Jackie wondered if they have a shorter coffin. Howard said that would be pretty funny.
Robin had some audio of Mel Torme talking about Ella's death. Howard said he's the Velvet Frog. Howard played the clip and talked more about seeing her on the plane. Howard said she ate funny. He said he watches anyone famous eat.
Robin had some audio of Thelonious Monk talking about Ella. In that clip Thelonious mentioned scat singing and Howard said he hates scat singing. He said anyone can do it. He said it's called forgetting the words. Howard said he can do it. He played an example of Ella singing and said he doesn't think it's that good. Howard told Fred to give him some music and he'll do it. Fred played some crappy music and Howard did his scat singing to it.
Howard said that was the same thing. Robin said it was not. Howard said it is too. Robin had some more clips of Ella singing but Howard played the one he had already played. He said it's all the same thing. Howard said he scats to John Tesh records. Robin said she's not sure that's even possible. Howard assured her it is.
In the clip Howard was asking Fred about this song ''You Were the One'' and if this was about someone who broke up with him. Fred said it wasn't about that. They spent a minute talking about that and how they had never heard one of Fred's songs on the air before. Howard said they may end up goofing on it. Fred said he's sure they will.
Howard played the song and asked if it was about Jessica Hahn. Fred said it was. Howard said he has to go back and listen from the beginning then. Howard asked Fred if it was because she was on the show. Fred said she was on the show a lot at the time and all of that stirred up things and he wrote the song about it. Howard said a lot of guys are into writing songs about Jessica Hahn. He said Tiny Tim did one and so did Sam Kinison. Jackie said there was a Vietnamese guy who did one too. Howard said that's right.
Howard got back to the song and played most of it without interrupting. Howard said there's really nothing to goof on with his songs. Robin was laughing. Howard asked her what she had. Robin said she's not going to say anything. Howard said Fred can play and he can sing. He said he's not sure what else to say about it. Howard sang some of the lyrics and then played the rest of the song.
Howard asked Fred why he never sends his songs to anyone. Fred said he'll write a song about it and send it to someone. Fred said that he would love to call someone. Howard offered to do it for him. Fred said that would be great. He said the only record company he doesn't want to be on is RCA. Howard asked why that is. Fred said he remembers them having the worst people. Howard said he could turn the whole label around. Howard said he thought that Hall & Oates was on RCA. Fred said he doesn't think they are now. He said he thinks they were on Arista.
Howard said there are a lot of people who can play and sing like Fred but there are so many. Robin said it's hard to break through and she was wondering why it's Richard Marx and not Fred. Howard didn't have an answer for that.
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In the clip Howard was playing Red Peters song ''A Dog Named Stains.'' Howard said he likes that song. He and Robin were both laughing at the song when Red sang ''come Stains'' a few times.
After the song Howard said those idiots in Minneapolis actually released the wrong Red Peters song when they stole it. Howard said they should have used that one. Howard said that Red is a pretty nice guy so they should help him out selling a few records. Howard said that song is pretty good. He said that ''How's Your Whole Family'' song is kind of dumb. He played some of that song and said those idiots who stole Red's song stole that one. He said they didn't give Red any credit at all. Howard let the song play a little bit but said he can't sit through the whole thing. Robin told him to stick with it until he gets to the ''How's your dic...tation machine.'' Howard let it play for another minute or so until Red sings ''Won't you do my ass.... trological chart.'' Then it was ''Won't you suck on a stiff cock...tail with me.''
Howard said that Red gives you the Karaoke version on his CD. He said he might have it there. Howard tried to find the CD but he ran across a John Tesh CD. Howard and Robin ended up talking about John and how he's going around with a black beard with the blond hair. Howard said he's going around with that weird look and longer hair now. He said the guy looks like the blond Frankenstein.
Howard asked where his Red Peters CD was at. Gary said he'd look around for it. Howard played the John Tesh CD instead. Howard said this was his album Avalon. Howard said most of it's dedicated to his wife Connie Sellecca. Howard made up his own lyrics to go along with the music. Howard said most of the songs sound the same so if he was Connie he'd be kind of pissed. Howard sang about Connie and how perfect her breasts are and things like that. Howard went on and on for a few minutes coming up with lyrics about Connie and nothing but Connie. Howard said that Baba Booey was interrupting him in the middle of his Connie song. Gary had his Red Peters CD. Howard sang to him that he should never interrupt him.
In the clip Howard was talking about this band Silverchair and how the guys in the band are only 16 years old. Howard played some of their song ''Tomorrow'' and said that they must be getting laid left and right. Howard said he knows it sounds kind of like Pearl Jam but it's good. He let the song play but Fred threw in some Jackie sounds.
Howard said that Billy made a good point about how the new thing is to sing out of the side of their mouths. Billy did some of his impression of that. Howard did some of it too and said he likes doing that. Howard let the song play and said there are some wimpy parts in it but you have to listen to those to appreciate the hard rockin' parts.
Howard said he thinks the lead guitarist is only 15 years old. Howard said god has a cruel sense of humor. He said he read an article about them and how their road manager is only 9 years old. He said that's what really pisses him off. Howard said they also don't want people to know their age. Howard said they're playing on Fisher Price guitars. Howard said they had their album there but he thinks Ralph took the CD.
Tom Chiusano came in and said his son told him the third cut on the album is the best. Howard asked if it had any cursing in it. Tom said he's not sure. Howard played some of that third cut and Howard said he sounds like Eddie Vedder. He said that's not a bad thing though.
Howard said he thinks the record company kept the band's pictures off the album. Howard said they kind of have them hidden on the cover. Howard said he doesn't know how you sign 16 year olds. He wondered if they paid them in candy. He said maybe it was Chunky or Pez or maybe Skittles.
Mark Harris And Daveed Visit. 11/11/1997. 8:25am
Howard had Mark Harris come in with his boyfriend Daveed. He explained who Mark was and how he was married to Martha Raye. He went on to talk about how after Martha died, Mark got $2.4 million from her estate. Mark said he invested most of that money and he's hoping to be able to live off of that. He said the house he's building is where most of that money will end up. The house is going to be 14,000 square feet and it will be for him and his daughter.
Mark said that Martha's daughter got $50,000 out of the will but she would have gotten just one dollar if it wasn't for him. He convinced Martha to give her more. Howard asked Mark about his love making with Martha and how he did it at least two times. He asked Daveed if he knew that Mark had made love to a 90 year old woman. Daveed said he did know that. Mark interrupted and asked Howard about the Real Doll but Howard didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk to Mark about his life.
Howard asked Mark about what he did after Martha died. Mark had gone over to Europe and met Daveed. Mark said that was about 3 years later though. Daveed was playing his violin at the time so Howard had him reenact that moment. Daveed played his violin a little bit for them. Howard asked Mark what he sang with Daveed that night he met him. Mark said it was Broadway tunes but he didn't remember which ones because he was so drunk at the time.
Howard asked Daveed about how he got Mark into bed and got him undressed. Daveed said that Mark was a little overweight so Howard figured he was disgusted by him. They spent a few minutes going over all of that. They eventually realized that they could work together musically. Mark said they realized that almost immediately.
Howard was going to let Mark and Daveed perform a song but took some phone calls first. He also found out that Mark was actually born Mark Harris Bleefeld which he felt came off too German so he shortened it. He had Mark and Daveed start their song a short time after that. Daveed played his Violin over a music track while Mark sang ''Eternity.'' Jackie was laughing through the whole song. Fred was also letting out a few laughs while Mark was belting out the song.
Howard said the phones were lit up after the song. He took a couple of calls and let the fans comment on what they had just heard. One guy asked if his first wife was a lesbian. Mark said that was not true at all. He said that he wanted to know what this man's name was but the guy wouldn't give that information out. Some other callers told Mark he was awful and Gilbert Gottfried's singing Rabbi is better. Another guy said that his sphincter muscle tightened up when he heard Mark singing.
Howard let a few more callers through and said he didn't want Mark to get upset by taking more. Mark said it was all fine. Howard let a few more callers through to goof on Mark about his awful singing. Howard told Mark that he actually liked the performance. Robin said it was very interesting. Howard asked Daveed to play a little more for them before he wrapped up. Daveed played a little concerto on his violin and Howard told Mark to take off his clothes while he played. Howard said that Daveed really has some talent and he's not sure how he got saddled with Mark. He went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about this record called ''Golden Throats'' and they had Leonard Nimoy singing songs. Howard played one song where someone was singing a country-like song. Howard said that was Goldie Hawn. Howard said he thought she could sing and so did the record company. Howard did an impression of her singing like Jackie. Howard said this is like an album with really bad versions of songs. Robin said it has performances by stars and media.
Howard said they have a song by Leonard Nimoy. He was singing ''I Walk the Line'' by Johnny Cash. Howard wondered who financed that album. Howard said he's doing a bad impression of Johnny Cash. Howard goofed on that one for a couple of minutes. Robin asked if someone really wanted to hear him sing.
Howard played another version of the same song and told Robin to guess who it was. Robin didn't know who it was. Howard told her it was Telly Sevalas.
Howard played some other songs off the album and had one by someone singing in French. Howard said this is some important record. Howard asked Gary if he had any other good ones. Howard said he had to turn down Jackie's mic because he's constantly laughing. Jackie said he's sorry. Billy did an impression of Jackie laughing inappropriately. Howard said he thought it would be nice to hear from everyone but Jackie just keeps laughing. Howard goofed on Jackie for a few minutes about that laughing. Howard said he wants to show that he's the brains of the show by letting everyone know he's there. Billy kept doing his Jackie laugh and kept it going when Howard played more of the song he was playing.
Howard said he thought that there was too much noise in there and then he realized that Jackie was laughing. Billy was demonstrating what that sounds like. Howard said he wanted the silence. He said he doesn't mind silence. Jackie told them all to shut up. He said ''Oh, you all suck!''
Howard played another song and asked Robin if she knew who this was. Robin said she can't hear it. Howard played the song after Billy stopped doing his Jackie impression. Fred was throwing in more Jackie clips during the song though. Howard said Jackie isn't laughing anymore. Jackie said there's nothing funny. Howard went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard told Robin that he had the new Yoko Ono album. He said that they've been playing one of her songs from the John Lennon album but now she has another album out. Howard said no station in town has the guts to play her half of the new album. Howard said they don't care if they chase away their listeners. Robin said every other song on the album is Yoko's. She said that John Lennon's songs are the other ones on the album.
Howard said Yoko put out an album unbeknownst to John. He said she wants to keep putting out albums and she's running out of material. Robin said they recorded this stuff on a cassette in their bedroom.
Howard said that Yoko is naked with John in the picture in the album. Howard said John must be going nuts over this stuff. Howard said Yoko doesn't have very big breasts. Robin said it looks like she has a cleft in her chest. Howard said John has more than her.
Howard said they have a picture of John and Yoko on the back of the album. Howard asked Bob the engineer to play the song for him. He played the song and Howard made fun of it. He said he didn't want to be mean but who are they kidding there. Howard said that's not music. Robin said they should listen to more of the songs so they can figure out if they're all bad. Howard listened to another one and that one was bad too.
Howard had Bob play a third track. Howard said that one isn't quite as bad. He said that she can't annunciate but he could understand what she was saying. Howard had Bob play another one and that was pretty bad too. Howard said Bob liked that one. Howard asked him to play one more. That one was kind of a Reggae song. Howard said that one wasn't so bad. He had Bob play the next one and Howard said that he must be dumb or he's just not getting the message. Howard did an impression of her singing with that heavy accent she has. Howard said that's not music. He said he doesn't mean to be mean but she has enough money and she doesn't need to work. Howard said she can buy all the wrap around glasses she needs with the money she has.
Listener Submissions, Good And Bad... Mostly Bad. 07/25/06. 9:45am
Howard said they get a lot of wacky songs from fans so he played a few of them. Richard came in and said they actually get some good songs too. Howard played two bad ones and then a good one (according to Richard). That band's song was sent in by one of the guy's aunts. Howard thought it was a lot to take but it was pretty good. He said he's not sure he'd buy that song but he doesn't really buy any songs.
Howard played one commercial parody about a ''cum paste'' that went on for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. He didn't know where they were going with the bit and it was just way too much stuff in it. He said a mad man must have written that bit. He continued to play it just to find out what they did for the rest of the 2 minutes and 11 seconds that he hadn't heard. Howard said they should call the guy and tell him he's a genius as a joke of course.
Sal came in and said that the Cum Paste bit was the best out of 20 tracks the guy had on his CD. Howard told Sal to get a phone number for the guy so he could call him. Sal just stood there not doing anything so Howard had to tell him to get the number again.
There was still a minute left on the awful bit. Artie said that the bit was actually making him angry because it was way too long and it was wasting his time. The chick in the commercial kept saying ''sperms'' too which was pissing Robin off. Every time it sounded like the commercial was over, it had more time on it. There were 23 seconds left so Howard finished it up. He said he was going to just replay that bit over and over again during the replays of the show just to piss the audience off.
Richard told Howard there were some other good things on his list. There was a song from Crotch Duster that he liked. Howard played that and a few other things. There was a rap song that sounded okay to him. He said it didn't sound any different than the songs they play on the Top 5 list. Richard had Howard play a bunch of other ones that he thought were okay.
Jerking Greg Around About His Lame 'Cum Paste' Bit. 07/25/06. 9:55am
Sal told Howard that Will had the guy who did that awful Cum Paste commercial on the phone. He was all shaky and nervous because he had trouble finding the CD and the guy's information. He said some very creepy things about how he knows Howard can be hard on him and he wished that he could be hard on him more. Howard kicked him out and got this guy Greg on the phone.
Howard told Greg that he did a great job on the commercial he sent in and made him feel like he had done the greatest bit ever. The guy said he does all kinds of erotic stuff and writes a ton of things. He asked Greg why he made the commercial go for over 2 and a half minutes. He said he's made some of them over 3 minutes long.
Greg had no idea that Howard had been ripping on him because he was on vacation in Palm Springs. The guy said he's been a roofer for 13 years and he does this stuff on the side. Howard asked him what kind of money it would take to get him to work there. He told him to keep his wife out of it because he was sitting right next to her. Howard asked Greg what it would take to get him there. Greg said he's just getting into this stuff and he's not sure. Artie broke in and told the guy he should get an agent before making a deal.
Howard asked Greg what he would charge him for the exclusive rights to the Cum Paste bit. Greg didn't know. Tim Sabean came in and asked what they need to get this guy on the show. Greg said this is crazy and it's right on the spot so he's not sure. Artie told him to make sure he retains the rights to the bits.
Howard and Tim asked him once again what kind of money he wants but Greg wasn't able to come up with a number. He said he would need a couple hundred thousand a year, maybe $250,000 a year. Howard told Tim this might be a good deal and said that he might sign him for $250,000 a year for five years.
Greg said that they need to get together to discuss business. Howard told Greg he didn't want to have a meeting and he would give him $300,000 but they would retain the rights to the bits. Greg said he had to talk to his wife quickly. He spoke to her and we could hear her talking about his Volume 1, 2 and 3.
Artie told Greg that for $310,000 a year they want him to roof Fred's house. Another guy called in and offered Greg $500,000 after telling him that his Cum Paste bit was genius. It was just Sal calling in from the office. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they could give him an additional $200,000 to turn his bits into TV shows. That would bring his salary up to $500,000 there at SIRIUS.
Howard asked Greg about the Cum Paste bit and why the woman is moaning as she's brushing her teeth. Greg explained the bit to him and said his idols are Dice Clay and George Carlin. Robin told Greg that they almost mistook his bit for one of Sal and Richard's. Greg said he's got enough material for about 10 or 15 CDs. Howard asked him if they're all as good as Cum Paste. Greg said that they're all great.
Howard broke the news to Greg that his bit is one of the worst things he's ever heard and that they were jerking him around. Riley Martin called in and said that he never heard from Tim Sabean yesterday when he was supposed to. He said that Tim must be as shady as the rest of the motherfuckers there. Howard asked Tim what was going on there. Tim said they got backed up and they will call Riley today.
Howard said he heard that Riley had asked for $5 million to do his show. Riley said that wouldn't even buy toilet paper for Howard. He's ready to go to full time now.
Howard told Greg that they were just dicking around with him and he'd better stay in the roofing business. He told him he knows he's trying but it's just not working. He told him that the bit wasn't funny and it just went on and on and on. Greg tried to defend the bit saying it was hilarious but Howard said it was awful and he should just give it up now. Greg told Howard to listen to some of the other bits before he decides. Artie told Greg that what they just did was funny, his bit was not.
Greg suggested that they listen to some of his other bits before deciding about the whole CD. Howard saw some of the tracks like ''Pussy Eating Machine'' and ''Cum Gum'' so Greg suggested the ''Pussy Eating Machine'' bit to listen to. Howard found the track and tried to play it but the CD wouldn't play in his machine. He tried another bit called ''One Eyed Jack.'' Artie was laughing at the bit but he wasn't laughing at how funny it was, he was laughing at how bad it was. Howard was 30 seconds into the bit and said they didn't know what the hell he was talking about. He did correct himself and said that the Cum Paste bit wasn't the worst he's heard, this ''One Eyed Jack'' bit was the worst.
Howard asked Greg what it would cost them to get every copy of this CD destroyed. Greg wasn't so happy at this point. Howard found another clip called ''You Got Fucked at the Drive-Thru.'' That one was horrible as well. Howard asked him how all of his bits could have nothing funny in them. Greg said that maybe Howard just doesn't laugh at things that are funny. Artie told Greg that he should keep going through life like this because he'll always be happy that way.
Greg put his wife Victoria on the phone so Howard told her how horrible the whole CD was. She said they've sent it to other places as well and they have more bits on a full CD instead of the demo disc that they have. She said she would overnight them a copy of the full CD if he wanted. Howard played another bit called ''Spermaholic'' after she told him it got a great response at this event they went to. The bit was going nowhere so Howard cut it off. Fred told him that it was just getting good so he got back to it.
Howard asked Victoria if she actually saw people laughing at this stuff. She said people were laughing right at the start. She claims that girls were into the CD and bought the CD at this event they were at. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks this is the biggest piece of horse shit he's ever heard. Victoria said that they think this CD is great and it doesn't matter if people don't like it. She didn't like that they called them to goof on them. She said if they didn't like the CD they didn't have to call them and goof on them. Howard told Victoria he had to get going so she got off the phone very quickly after thanking him for that.
Today's Howard Stern: King of All Judges was over around 10:50am.
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