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Howard started the show talking to Robin who was still at home broadcasting. Howard said everyone is looking well this morning. He said even Benjy is ready even though he's blotchy.
Howard said he was watching tape of Madonna doing a concert in Istanbul, Turkey. He said she took her titty out and he loves to see that kind of thing but not with her. Howard said there is nothing sexual about her. He said she's too thin and it's an old titty. He said she was just saying a few weeks ago you don't need that kind of antic at the Super Bowl and now she's doing it herself. Howard said she's got a big nipple on that tiny titty and it's just not sexy. Robin said she's 50 and she's doing this. Howard said someone wrote about how it's a cry for attention for a fading star.
Howard said everyone was talking about this Tim Poe guy from America's Got Talent. Howard said he wanted to talk to Jason Raff from AGT but he was out of the country this weekend. Howard said he's waiting to hear the facts about this guy. Howard said the guy did serve in the military and anyone who does that is a hero to him to start off with. Howard said this guy claimed to have been injured by a grenade and now they're saying that none of his stories are true. Howard said they say the pictures he gave to America's Got Talent weren't even his. They were of some other dude.
Robin said she read a story about someone saying that he believes all of these stories in his head. Howard said he hopes that the TV show doesn't boot him off. Howard said he hopes they show what happens in Vegas. He said if he doesn't make it through that reality then they should let America vote. He said that would be great to keep him on and let the audience vote. Robin said she thinks that they might want to hurt him if he gets on stage.
Howard said he always resented American Idol when they'd pull someone out for an arrest or something. He said they should let the audience vote. He said that this isn't right to lie about your service. He said it's a really despicable thing to do. He said it makes it tough for other veterans because people won't believe their stories.
Howard played a clip of Tim Poe talking to a news reporter about his stories. He said he doesn't know if his stories are true or not. He wasn't sure if he even went to Iraq. He was crying as he was talking to the reporter. Howard said he's not buying any of this. He said that they should tell him he won American Idol and let that be his reality.
Howard played more of the audio and there were some other people who claim they were deceived by Tim. They had some audio of him talking about waking up after his injury and he wasn't stuttering when he was talking to them. They weren't happy with what he did. Tim was saying he's very sorry for what he did. Tim does have scars from a training accident according to the reporter. Tim was crying the whole time that he was being interviewed.
Howard said it's a good excuse to say that it's ''my truth'' when you're stuck like that. Howard said he's claiming he doesn't know if that stuff is true or not. Howard said that even that training accident story would be good enough for him. He said he didn't serve in Iraq at all.
Howard said he wanted to talk to the producers so he could suggest that they keep him on the show and let the audience decide. Howard said he thinks they should do that. Howard said he thinks that he still would have gone on with this whole thing even if he knew this was coming. He said Tim may come on the show. He's trying to line that up.
Howard said he feels this is disgusting. He asked how else he'd feel. He said that this is a really weird thing. Robin asked if he really stutters. Howard said he doesn't. He didn't have it in that interview at all.
Howard said he's going to tell John that it's not very manly to try and ruin things for Ralph. Howard said Ralph may get his money taken away.
Howard said John stopped calling into the show and he listened because he was a fan. Howard said now it's all about the money. He said he has to talk to John about that now. He said he gave him a shot like he did with Riley. He said he thought Riley could go somewhere and get a job. Howard said he gave him an hour to talk on the air and sell his stuff. Riley started to see it as a job. Howard said his show is horrible and he should go prove that he's wrong if he doesn't believe it. Howard said if Riley is on the channel or not it's irrelevant. Howard said he makes no extra money if they're on or not. Howard said everyone gets it in their head that there's money to be made there. That's just not the case.
Howard said John used to love calling the show. That's what he's going to tell him today. He said he hasn't suffered without him on the show. He said that's what he'll tell him today too. Howard said Riley used to be fine with just calling into the show. Now he has his own show and he's not happy.
Gary said that Judith Light was acting like she won the award instead of actually accepting it like she actually won. Howard said he thinks he has tape from the show. Howard said he was watching a guy give a speech and they cut him off. He said he'd rather watch that than the other stuff they were doing. Howard said they had some of the play groups come out and do their thing and it was awful. He said that the songs they do aren't even songs. They're just music with discussions going on.
Howard played the clip of Judith Light making an acceptance speech. She was so overly excited and annoying. Howard did an impression of her making her speech. Howard goofed on her for a short time. Robin said it's like they're watching a cult. Howard said theater people vomit when they see him. He said he's crass and uncouth and they look at him like he's the worst piece of scuzz. He said he's like the kind of thing they scrape off the bottom of their shoe.
Howard said this is how you should react if you just created a cure for Polio, not for doing a play. He played more audio of Judith Light going on and on thanking people and overacting through the whole thing. Howard let the clip go on and on. Howard said it's like a show. Howard said theater people are like another breed. He said you watch that show and you don't want to go to another show.
Robin said she's a big theater person but she wouldn't go to see some of the shows they were showing highlights of.
Howard said he tried watching the show but couldn't do it. He said he got in bed to watch True Blood at 9 and he watched the first 20 minutes and it was so bad that he had to go to sleep. Robin said she liked the episode. Howard said he had to turn it off. He said he had masturbated so that might have been a mistake. Beth wasn't around so he jerked off. Howard said he had just watched some of the Tony's and it was like watching gay porn for him. He said that he's very pro-gay but he had to man up a little and see some heterosexual porn. Howard said on the Tony's they had Neil Patrick Harris and some other guy who had just come out. Howard said they had like 4 gay guys in a row. Howard said Gary had it down pretty good. He wasn't in his office though so he wasn't helping Howard.
JD came in and told Howard he had some more audio of Bernadette Peters. Howard said she sounds British now. Howard said it's like they speak from another planet. Planet Theatrical. Howard played that clip and Bernadette was speaking perfectly. Howard said she's from queens but she sounds British. Howard said she should sound like Ronnie the Limo Driver.
Howard said these people are always on stage and it's impossible to have a conversation with them. Howard played more of Bernadette's audio and goofed on her some more. Howard said it drives him crazy when he hears that. He said everything drives him crazy. He said she's on TV and she's showing how good she is on stage. Howard said being at a party full of people like that must be horrible. He said that they all talk like that and they never get out of it.
Howard said he saw video of Yoko singing the Star Spangled Banner. Howard said she was yelling into a microphone. Gary said she wasn't singing, she was warbling into the microphone like she does in her songs. Howard said he's not sure why they allow that at the museum she was at. Robin said that art people are as wacky as the theater people are.
Howard asked Gary who came out on the Tony's who was actually gay. Gary mentioned 3 people who were gay and then said that Matthew Broderick came out on stage. Howard said he's not gay though. Gary said he's not but he acts gay on stage.
Howard said there was a lot of ''little'' stuff on YouPorn but he has no desire to see little people having sex. Howard said he found something like ''Little tramp fucks guy'' or something like that. Howard said this porn star is on a bed as a teen and she's wearing stretch pants that show off her vagina and ass. He said that she's talking to her friend about how she's going to seduce this guy and fuck her. He said she was really hot to him too. He said that she reminded him of someone he knew as a kid.
Howard said this guy shows up and he's vile. Howard said the guy is shirtless when he walks in. He said he walks in and says that the girl has a great ass. Howard said the girl asks if he wants to touch it and then he massages her ass for 10 minutes. He said he had to fast forward through it.
Howard said this guy pulls out his cock and it's like 5 times the size of his. Howard said he got angry at his own penis when he saw this guy. Howard said that they had the guy on the monitors in the studio. Howard said the guy is rubbing her with his giant cock and he's pushing it through the pants. Howard said this girl is good looking. He said she could be Robin's daughter. Howard said this clip was making him mental so he told the guys to take it off.
Howard said he should have a cock like that. He said he feels like Eric the Actor and this guy is an able bodied guy. Howard said this guy was so girthy that his penis could fit over it three times. Howard said his girth is like a sharpie. He said he's about as wide and long as a Sharpie.
Howard said he got through the video to see the part where he's pulling the girl's pants down. Howard said he had to see that move and he's not sure why. He said he wonders what's going on psychologically with him. Robin said that's what he's said before that the reveal is a big deal to him. Howard said it really is a big reveal. Howard said it's never disappointing. He said that he'll take it any way he can get it.
Howard said this guy starts to lick the girl's asshole for way too long. Howard said he starts going at her butthole and spits into it. He said he wanted to vomit. Howard said he almost stopped masturbating. Howard said the girl was blowing his big penis and she could only get the head in. He said women can blow him and get the whole thing plus his balls in their mouth. Howard said this was very deflating to him. He said he had just watched the Tony's and then this video. He said he did blow a big load though. He said his load his bigger than a Sharpie.
Howard said he got into bed to watch True Blood and then the annoying theme song comes on. He said he just wanted them to get to the show. Howard said they so want to be edgy with that opening of the show. Howard said one thing to the next felt too jokey to him. He said he wants his vampires to be serious. He said he'll go home and watch the rest today because maybe he was just cranky last night. Robin said she thinks this season is going to be good. She liked the episode last night.
Howard said maybe he was just too cranky and he'll have to watch today. He said that everyone has super powers and he doesn't like that. He said no one really dies either. He said that these people come back and it's enough already. Robin said she gets that feeling sometimes but she doesn't have it with True Blood. Robin said there are still regular people on the show.
Howard said that Garfield is still available and he was so upset that no one was going to adopt him. He said that the cat is like 40 pounds and he's all depressed. Howard said he kept getting reports from Beth about how he's refusing to eat and things like that. Howard said he's stuck in a cage and he's all depressed. He said Jon Hein should know that before he eats them. He was joking about that of course.
Howard said that they were saying that they didn't find someone to adopt the cat. Howard said that they tried to find a match for him but they weren't able to. Howard said he was hoping that someone would adopt him because he'll end up in his apartment. Howard said that all of their cats are declawed and it's hard to mix declawed with clawed. Robin said she's done it before and it's not a problem.
Howard said that he's hoping that someone will get Garfield. He said his wife is depressed about it. He said he hears about everything with that cat. Howard said he has the three cats and a dog. He said his wife got into feeding feral cats too. He said she's like that Disney character that all of the characters sing to. He was talking about Snow White. He said they all flock to her and they all communicate with her.
Howard said Jon is fat and he's eating all of this shitty food. He said he looks really unhealthy and he's almost looking like a woman from being so fat. Howard said he was watching the show where Jon was camping out at Chick-Fil-A and he thinks that's the worst name for a fast food place. Howard said Jon was talking about how great the food looks and things like that. He said Jon has some weird theories on fast food but it's genuine and that comes through.
Howard said he loved when Jon discovered the ketchup on the waffle fries that doesn't fall through. Gary said he was hanging out with Jon and they were talking about the show. He said Jon told him that what he gets on the show is the top notch food. He said they're out to impress him so he's loving it. Howard said he's like Hugh Hefner dating one of his chicks.
Howard said Sam Simon continued his argument with Jon on the Wrap Up Show last week. He played some of that audio where Sam was telling Jon why he has a problem with the show.
Howard read through some of the email they got about that whole thing. He said some people loved Sam Simon and some were defending Jon Hein. Howard had one email where they were asking if Jon really wants to go out and get more people to eat fast food. Howard said he had a couple of negatives against Jon but the overwhelming amount was about how Sam Simon is nuts. Howard read a few of those. Howard read about how they watched that video that Sam was talking about while they ate a double bacon cheeseburger. Howard read some email about Sam and how he's an out of touch rich guy. Howard read a bunch of those type of emails. Howard said he thinks that Sam did this on the show because he has access to the show. He said he probably feels this way about that kind of food all the time.
Howard read an email about how good Jon is on that show and how the person didn't think that he was likable before seeing him on the show. Howard read one email from a fan whose wife was converted to a fan after seeing him on AGT. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that those are the guys (Van Halen) that can't get along. Robin said she heard they did a show over the weekend. Howard asked why the canceled their tour then. Howard said this song is a great one. He said this is when they all looked really cool. He said they had the world by the balls and had cool songs. He said every guy wanted to be Eddie Van Halen.
Howard had Jon Leiberman come in with some headlines. Howard said he has a statement from Jim Carrey to get to as well.
Jon came in and Howard asked why he was so tan. Jon said that he was in Florida last week. He said he had suntan lotion on but he still tanned. Howard said he looks really dark. He said he bets that the Ugly Meter would bump him up a point or two. Howard said he thinks he's a good looking man. Jon said he was teaching his 5 year old how to golf in Florida. He said that his son is better than he is. Howard said he's amazed at how many people golf and don't take lessons. He said you'd think they'd want to be good. Robin said that some people just want to hang out with their buddies. Howard said you'd still think they'd want to learn how to play correctly. Howard said you'd think you'd want some skills. He said you should learn the fucking game.
Howard said he's not sure why he's so angry about everything. Jon said he'll try to anger him some more. He said Gary Dell'Abate is launching a new online TV show called ''They Call Me Baba Booey'' and it will be on the Nerdist web site and produced by Lorne Michaels production company. Howard said Gary thinks he has some credibility with gadgets but he blew it when he said that the iPad was a passing fad when it first came out. Howard said he should have gotten out of the gadget world. Howard said Gary likes to give his opinion a lot and it means nothing if you think like that. Howard asked if there's anyone there who isn't a star. He said Scott just walked away from his show and now Gary has his own show. He said everyone there is a big star. Everyone has a little project going.
Howard said the only people on AGT who are stars are the stars. He said no one else there is trying to be a star. He said that they have the Sweet and Meet and things like that going on here. Howard said most of it is just shitty and tacky.
Jon asked Howard if he heard that Benjy has a new nickname. It's Mr. Popsicle. Howard said he doesn't care.
Jon said that JD Harmeyer is living in fear because he didn't have a work visa to work up in Canada. He lied to the customs agents up there about why he was there. Jon said that JD was so worried about getting paid up there that he asked Shuli to wait until they got home to pay him in cash. Howard said JD thought he was going to get arrested. Jon said that JD had to tell them why he was there and repeat his answers. Howard asked if he got laid up there. Jon said his sources say he did not.
Howard said JD does meet girls though. JD came in and said he did meet one up there. He said she got a little drunk and had to take her friend home so he didn't get laid. JD said he can't succeed everywhere. Howard asked if he enjoys doing the shows or is it still torture. JD said it's okay but he worries about what they're going to do on stage. He said there really isn't a plan. JD said he wants to leave it up to Ronnie but he can't do that because all he does is yell. JD said one time they had girls on stage to show their cleavage. He said that they had some girls getting on a stripper pole this last time. He was laughing through the story so Howard said he has some way with a story. JD said he knows. Fred did his impression of JD for a few seconds.
Howard said Ronnie is really horny for a 65 year old guy. Howard said it's like he just got let out of prison. Ronnie came in asking why he's picking on him. Howard said he goes berserk over some titties all the time. Ronnie said he had hot chicks on stage dancing. That's all he did. Howard played some audio of Ronnie yelling up on stage with girls up there. He was screaming into the microphone and asking to see some hot ass.
Howard asked Ronnie if his voice is gone after the show. Ronnie said it's not. Ronnie told Howard that JD has a problem with pacing on stage all the time. He said he has to stop that. JD said he's nervous. Ronnie told him to just stop it. JD said that Ronnie is good with the crowd. He said Scott wasn't.
Jon said that Scott's last paycheck bounced so he had to contact Shuli about that. Jon said that Scott was upset about it and he was wondering if it was a prank or not. Shuli claims it wasn't a prank. Scott had to deposit the check again and it still hasn't cleared. Ronnie said Scott waiting 5 weeks to deposit a check. He said that he must not need the money that bad. Howard said he's not sure how Scott could be tolerant of mistakes since he's so perfect.
Jon said that Doug Goodstein finally gave into Bobo to refilm his Fine Time show. He ended up giving the same answer to 11 out of 12 questions. He said that the show is just as boring as it was the first time they shot it.
Howard said they have a great Fine Time up with Medicated Pete. He was eating a cupcake the whole time and it was great.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he answered the questions like they wanted and he gave them the file footage they asked for. He said that he has to check out Mariann from Brooklyn getting her tatt. Howard said he has to go because he's got one non sequitur after another.
Howard asked Jon what else he had. Jon said that Big Foot has another outbreak of Scabies and also has silverfish bites so he's going to sue his landlord.
Jon said that Killa Karisma is working on getting a record deal. He said that his mom didn't speak to him for days after hearing his song. Howard let Jon go after that.
Howard read the statement and Jim was saying that he does everything in Evan's best interest and he's upset that Evan's privacy isn't being respected. That's about it. Gary said that they asked if Jim wanted to call in and this is all they gave them.
Howard said that Jenny shouldn't have gotten Jim involved in her son's life. Howard said that he has left and apparently if you break up with her then you're responsible for her kid. Howard said Jim doesn't need to stay in the kid's life. Howard said that he could have said that the kid was boring and he got sick of talking to him. He said he could have said he got bored with Jenny's blow jobs too.
Howard said that they could mix her in with just about any song. He told Fred to give him a song and he'll play her audio with it. Fred played a song and Howard controlled the Yoko audio.
Howard said he was listening to a rap song where the guy mentioned his name. He said he just doesn't get rap music. He said all music sounds the same to him. He played the song where his name is mentioned. He said he must be old fashioned since he doesn't get it. Howard said this guy's name is something like Burn Meek Mill featuring Big Sean. Howard said he doesn't know what the song means. He gave up and went to break because they had John the Stutterer there and Maria Menounos will be stopping by too. Howard said he has a lot of tape he wants to play and he has to get to some of that as well.
Howard said he had some of the Eric the Actor review show from last week. He said he had to play some of that even though he didn't want to get into it yet. Howard played the clip and you could barely hear Eric over someone typing on the computer that had the microphone in it.
Howard said the woman who does the show with Eric tortures him through it. Howard said Eric swears he doesn't grunt but she tortures him with a grunting question. She asked Eric about the grunting and Eric said he doesn't grunt. Eric was answering but all you can hear is the woman fumbling with paperwork. Howard said it's the greatest. You can't hear anything he says. There's typing and paper being crumpled. Howard and Fred did an impression of what that sounded like.
Howard played another clip where you hear the girl perfectly but you can barely hear Eric. The girl asked Eric a question and Eric was trying to give his answer but all you can hear is paper being slid across the microphone. Howard said someone should be listening. He said the girl is very loud and you can barely hear Eric. Howard and Fred did another impression of what it sounded like. Fred played typing sounds and Howard crumpled paper into the microphone. Howard said they had to go to break after that.
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John asked where Robin was. Howard said she doesn't like to come into work anymore. He said she's on an ISDN line at home. Howard said he was hearing some noise from the mic that John was using. Howard said he's just going to put up with it. Gary came in and switched to another one.
Howard asked John if he's alright. John said he's fine but he was in a rush to get there and when he got off the train he jogged and now he's sweaty. Howard said he's late and he only has a few minutes for him. John said he feels horrible and looks horrible. Howard said he has to stop that.
Howard said he thought that John liked doing his radio show. He said that he heard that he got upset when he found out that Ralph gets a salary for doing his show. John said he can't avoid thinking about that. Howard said John got a show and he's able to get his thoughts out on the air. He said it's not a money making proposition. He said that they shouldn't be paying Ralph either.
John told Howard that his main argument is that if you say that you don't have control over it he believes Howard. Howard said he could have control over it but he'd have to look into it. John said the man he has the most argument with is Tim. He said that in the great words of Riley Martin, he's Cheap Tim Sabean. He said Ralph gets preferential treatment as he always has.
Howard said to follow Riley is crazy. He said Riley is a maniac. Howard said he told Riley that he would give him an hour long show and he can do whatever he wants. He has direct access to the audience to sell his trinkets. Howard said Riley started to believe that he's the reason people tune into the channels. He said he told Riley not to do it if he doesn't like that he's getting out of it. Howard said this doesn't make him a dime. He said that he thought John hated his life and he was giving him his own show there. Howard said he thought it would be a great outlet for him.
john said that it might not transpire for Riley but Ralph won't either. Howard said he agrees with him. John said that Ralph should not be getting any money for that show he does. John said Ralph shouldn't be getting paid more than Riley or Jackie. He said that Ralph gets special treatment. Howard asked how he knows what he makes. John said he's heard that he gets more than everyone on 101.
Howard said that maybe Jon Hein shouldn't get more money either. John said that a lot of people listen to all of the other shows there and they should be pissed off at Tim for paying him more than those other people.
John said that Ronnie's show should still be on the air. He said that Ralph's show should be put in the hands of JD. He said they should do that with Ralph just like they did with Ronnie.
Howard said that John isn't the program director. He said this isn't communism there. He said it's the program director's decision. John said that he hears from the fans and they hate Ralph. Howard said he has to finish his statement. John said that people don't even know that Geektime is on. He said Ralph is a kiss ass and so is Tim. He said everyone is afraid of Ralph and they love his opinion. He asked why they're so afraid of him there. John said Ralph is a scumbag and he's nothing.
Howard said he wants to concentrate on John for a second. He said he cut off his own nose to spite his face. John said he got paid $150 to do that show. Howard said he shouldn't have gotten paid anything. He said he should have gotten zero dollars. John said Ralph is the same. Howard told him to forget about Ralph for a second.
John was also going off on Donald Trump and on Howard for not saying anything about it. John said that Howard doesn't come out and say he's a nut when he talks about Obama's birth certificate. Howard said he has said that he's nuts over that. John wasn't even listening to Howard anymore.
Howard said he thought this was a great outlet for John. He said he did the show and when he did it, it made him a winner. John said that his ship has sailed. He said the only reason he would do the show is if he makes as much as Ralph. Howard said Ralph doesn't care so John loses again and Ralph wins. He said that he's silenced himself.
John said that he says boycott Geektime and boycott Trump. He said that he wants to boycott Tim Sabean too. Howard said he thinks that John has hurt himself with this misguided agenda. Robin asked if he's representing these other people. Howard said he thinks that he's just doing it on his own. Howard said that Tim thinks that Ralph is on to something with his show. John said that no one listens to Geektime. He said people tell him all the time they don't even know when it's on the air.
Howard asked John if he wants him to take all of the shows off the air. John said that he took Ronnie's show off. Howard said he did because it was horrible.
John said he just wants to play in traffic or jump in front of a train. Howard asked if that's why he doesn't use a condom with hookers. John said he can't get a woman without paying for it. John said he's been on the show since August 1999 and he has never had a good looking woman without paying for it. He said he can't get the kind of girls that Benjy gets. Howard said Benjy isn't bitter and angry like he is. John said he doesn't come off that way at clubs. Howard said Benjy will hang in there until he grows on them. He said Benjy kept on that girl Elisa until she fell for him. John said he can't even get laid at Swingers clubs.
Howard said John is still depressed. John said he is. He had to move home with his mom. He said he had his rent go up and he had to move out. John said that one of his health problems was severe acid reflux and he had surgery to fix it last September. He said that's a lot better now.
Howard said that John has to forget about Ralph. John said he's a prick though. Howard said he's become consumed with Ralph and he has to just enjoy his own life and not think about what other people have. Howard said he should just think about how good his own life is and ignore Ralph.
John said he used to get really worked up doing the show so he's glad that he's not doing it. He said he had to take blood pressure medicine when he was doing it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that John is coming across as ungrateful. Howard said if he was John he'd be thinking about what makes him happy, not what Ralph is up to. Robin said he may not be able to do the show physically. She said that he's getting too worked up over the whole thing. John said his doctor told him that he'd have to take his blood pressure meds the rest of his life. He said she told him to avoid stressful situations like right now. Howard said he loves John and he's glad he stopped by today. He said it is good to see him. He said he looks good and he's sorry he's not feeling good. Howard said he understands why he won't do the show. John said that if he can have a meeting with cheapskate (Tim) then maybe he'll do it.
Gary said that Tim said that Ralph doesn't make more than anyone else there. He said Tim didn't want to come in and talk numbers though. John asked why that phony phone call that Sal and Richard did on Ralph a few years ago hasn't been played. Gary said that Ralph may not have given permission. Howard said he has no conspiracy there. He said he doesn't think that he's right about Ralph.
Gary asked what phony phone call John was talking about. John said that Sal and Richard should know which one it is. Gary said he'll look into it then.
John said he thought it was great that Howard played a clip of the great band Yes recently. He said that he thinks that Steve Howe is a technical virtuoso. He said he's put him right up there with Hendrix.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a guy named Ralph using clips of John the Stutterer yelling at Ralph Cirella. After the clip Howard went to break.
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Howard said that Maria says that she's so uptight about her body that she won't have a baby because she doesn't want the doctor to see her vagina. Maria said she's serious about that. She said she has had issues with doctors who have been violating. She said that she hates going to doctors. Howard asked why she was laughing saying that. Maria said she doesn't know but it's not funny. She said that she seems to laugh when things are bad. She said she was almost kidnapped once and she laughed. Howard that's a pretty heavy thing. He asked what the doctors did to her. She said that she didn't want to get into it. She said they have just been inappropriate. She said they examine areas that don't need to be examined. She said they've done worse. Howard asked if the dentist goes to work on her teeth and they say ''nice tits.'' She said that's not it at all.
Howard said Maria is very attractive and he can see why a man would want to see her. Howard asked what this doctor did to her. Maria said she had a problem with her throat and they will examine her areas that they don't need to check. Howard asked if he rubbed her vagina. She said that she doesn't even remember. Howard said he's trying to figure out if this was a physical or something. She said it really wasn't. She said that it was a throat issue and he had her get totally naked.
Maria said that she was told to go to this doctor and it was a dude who told her to go. She said that it's happened more than once too. Howard asked for more details but Maria didn't seem to want to get into it. Howard asked if the guy gave her a full exam down below for a throat problem. Maria said that's what it is. She said she was very young and Kevin was in the waiting room and she started screaming. She said that he couldn't hear her from where she was.
Maria said that she thinks that you have to find a doctor who you're comfortable with. She said that he did touch her down there. Maria said she talked to her doctor and she has a phobia about them. She said that she went to the doctor in France and she refused to take her clothes off. Howard said it sounds like many of them have abused her. Maria said she talked to her doctor about it and she told her that she's heard the men doctors talk about women after they see them and she wouldn't go to a male doctor herself. Maria said she did have problems with it and it's not bullshit.
Howard said Maria is incredibly attractive. Howard said she was almost naked on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said she must love showing her body. Howard said she appears to be an exhibitionist. Howard said she was so happy when she lost that bet and had to wear a bikini in Times Square. Maria said she was mortified. She said that she has heard Howard talking about some of this stuff and she can't believe that he doesn't get this.
Maria said that when she goes to Miami the photographers show up and they're on them the whole time. She said that she may change where she goes. She said people hate her on the beach now because they have so many photographers. Maria said that they will tell her that if she poses for them that they'll go away. She will do that just to get them to go away.
Howard asked Maria what she wants with her career. He said she's on Extra and she's on Dancing with the Stars so what does she want? Maria said she's trying to do everything she can. Maria said that being Greek means you love to live. She said that she wants to be a race car driver and try everything she can.
Howard said he gets the feeling she's bad in bed. He said if she's afraid to show a doctor her vagina then she must be bad in bed. Maria said that doesn't trickle over into bed.
Howard asked Maria if she had any dance experience at all before going on Dancing with the stars. She said she really didn't. Howard said he finds that hard to believe because she's so good. Maria thanked him for that. Howard said he didn't think the show had many ''stars'' on it because Maria seemed to be the biggest one.
Howard asked Maria if she thinks she was voted off because women are jealous of her looks. Maria said she doesn't think it's that. Howard asked if she really wanted to win the show that bad that she had to email her friends. She said they did that. She said if Howard asked her to vote for him then she would have done it.
Howard asked why they don't allude to the fact that she has a boyfriend on the show. Maria said it was weird but she didn't ask them to do that. She said that Kevin thought it was weird that they didn't put him on camera. Howard said he would be livid with her if he was her boyfriend. Howard said she was very sexual with this dance partner she had. Howard said she kissed him on the mouth in a very sexual way. Howard said if his wife carried on that way he would have left her. Maria said that's the way it looks but it's not the way it really is. Howard asked if she had a crush on that guy. Maria said she didn't. Howard asked if she fucked that guy Derek. Maria said she absolutely did not.
Howard asked Maria if she felt his hard cock. Maria said ''no-wah'' to every question. Howard said he saw the dance she did where she kissed the dude. Maria said it was nothing. She said that it was just a friendly kiss. The Howard TV guys had the kiss on the monitor. Howard said he would be so out of there if she was his wife. Maria told Howard that she and her partner planned that kiss and she asked Kevin if he was okay with it. She said that he knew it was coming.
Howard asked Maria if she supports Kevin and his family. Maria said she does not. She said that he does his own thing and makes his own money. Howard asked where he is. Maria said that he's there. Howard said he likes Kevin because he's honest. Maria said she's honest too.
Howard had the guys bring Kevin Undergaro in. Maria asked Kevin if he's ever been attracted to another woman. Kevin said he has. Of course. Maria asked Kevin to clear up the liar part of this discussion. Kevin said that she is good in bed.
Howard asked Kevin if he felt good about the way she was implying she was having an affair with Derek. Maria said that they were rehearsing for 10 hours a day. Howard said even the judges noticed how it was. Howard asked Kevin if it did drive him nuts. Kevin said the hardest thing for him is having people watching him watching her and Derek. He said if he was in his 20s it would have driven him mental. He said that so many people come on to her and he thought he had no shot with her from the beginning. He said he has to make his peace with the fact that if she's going to leave, she's going to leave. He said he could try and control her but that's not going to work. Kevin said that she is a good girl and she's his best friend. He said that he doesn't want her looking back in her life and getting angry with him. Kevin said she's kissed guys in movies too so he's okay with that.
Maria said that she and Derek had fun with the whole thing. Kevin said that he doesn't feel that the line was crossed and even if it was, he'd rather not know. Howard asked if he has to leave the lights out so he doesn't see her vagina. Kevin said she's not that way with him.
Kevin said that Maria gets upset when the doctor comments on how she looks while he's examining her. Kevin said that when she goes to the gyno it turns into a whole production. Kevin said he stands in the room now with her. He said that he will do that with all of them if she's with a male doctor. Kevin said he would stay out of the way and let them do what they need to do but it freaks Maria out.
Maria said that when she gets freaked out she freezes up. She said that the doctors would touch her and say how something looks and it's not right. Kevin said that they are taught to respect those people and that's what they did back then. He said that now they've grown up and they know better.
Maria said she was very young and she just wanted to forget it back then. She said now she would probably get physical. Kevin said he would go in and smack the guy and that would upset Maria now.
Howard asked Kevin why Maria won't marry him. Kevin said that he wants the big wedding and Maria wants the small thing on a friend's boat. He said that they don't see things the same. Howard said if he was Kevin he'd just marry her in Vegas or something.
Howard said he heard that Maria was attracted to Tim Tebow. Maria said she met him going into a party and she was introduced. She went over and wanted to do the Tebow thing with him. Howard said he read that Tebow had eyes for her. Howard said she could probably be with her Tebow. Kevin said she's with her bum instead. Howard asked Maria who she would fuck, Derek or Tim Tebow. Kevin answered for her and said it was Derek. Maria said that she knows Derek very well so it would probably be him. She said she knows this is going to get spun into something crazy. Howard said no one really cares.
Howard asked Maria about some of the people on Dancing with the Stars and if she thinks some of them are tools. Maria wasn't saying anything bad about them. Howard said that one guy called Melissa Gilbert a bitch. Maria said she didn't see that. She said that her dad told her about that but she didn't see it.
Howard asked Maria if she liked wearing the skimpy outfits and showing off her body on that show. Maria said she didn't wear anything skimpy. Kevin asked if she remembers what he said to her last night. Maria didn't remember. Kevin said he talked about how hot and skinny she was last night. He said he was working all weekend on something. He said he started AfterBuzzTV.com and he's doing after shows for a bunch of TV Shows. He said they have a big deal with Bing now. He said they do after shows for all of your favorite TV shows and they cover America's Got Talent and things like that. He said they have over 200 hosts and a couple of TV studios they work out of.
Howard asked if they play doctor and patient in bed. Maria said he will do that and it freaks her out. She said that when they go to the doctor they will play it in the office and she'll freak out.
Howard asked if they did any role playing last night. Kevin said that they did missionary last night. He said that they just found out that his little guys swim in circles. He said that they were thinking about having a baby and they found out his sperm are dumb.
Maria said that it's very empty there without Robin. Howard said she's there, she's just not there. Maria told Howard his Letterman appearance was epic. Howard asked Maria if he could get her if he was single. Kevin said he thinks he could. Howard asked if he'd be treated like ever celebrity she's met and she'd tell him that she's with Kevin. Kevin said he thinks that she can become really good friends with people she has chemistry with.
Howard said maybe he could take her out alone to dinner if he was single. Maria said she would be really nervous with the way he just said it. She said she would go out to dinner but it would be a friendly thing. Howard said he'd ask to kiss her just to be funny. Maria said she'd have to call Kevin about that.
Kevin said Maria did an event with James Garner. Maria said that he stuck his tongue down her throat. Maria said she turned her heard. Kevin thought that she should have kissed him longer. Kevin said she should do that with William Shatner too.
Howard said Maria must get hit on all the time. Maria said no but Kevin said that it's all the time. He said that he doesn't talk to anyone about this. He said that Derek is one who hit on her. Howard said he knew it. Howard said she was carrying on with him like crazy and it was like a romance. Kevin said that he's just being honest and she was having fun flirting with him. Howard said that was very cruel to do to Kevin.
Maria told Kevin to be honest. Kevin said he got upset on the last night. He said that Maria didn't even say goodbye to them when the show was done. He said he got Maria's mom and dad together. He said Maria just ran off to New York with Derek. He said he had to call Maria and tell her not to be rude to her own parents. He said he sent her a harsh text about the situation. He said they were working aroudn the clock for her and she was short with them.
Kevin said that Maria doesn't focus on this show when she comes on. He said that this is a problem he has with her. He said that Howard prepares for his Letterman appearances. Howard said he sits and watches Letterman while he's preparing. Kevin said that Maria was watching Dancing with the Stars tapes before this show. He said that she was watching herself with Derek. Maria said she hadn't seen that one at all and her friend was there so that's what they were trying to watch. Howard said she's in love with her performance and she had to watch herself before coming in.
Howard said this guy Derek is a dancer and he has to calm down. He said that they were so upset when they lost. Maria explained why she got upset with Kevin and her parents that night. She said they didn't even see her parents. Howard asked if she had a good time on the plane with Derek. Maria said she just went to sleep. Howard said he heard that she put her head on his shoulder and slept there. Maria said that's not what went on.
Howard asked Kevin if Maria takes this stuff seriously. Kevin said she does take some things seriously. He said that she won't take this show seriously. Maria asked how she's supposed to prepare for this show. Howard said she could think about some fun stories to tell. Maria said you just have to be honest and open when you're on Howard's show. Howard said Beth always has 2 or 3 stories she can tell on the shows she goes on.
Howard asked Maria if she ever got wet dancing with Derek. She said no. Howard asked if she had any dreams about him. Maria said that's possible. Kevin asked if she thinks about Derek when he's inside of her. Maria couldn't believe he was asking her that.
Howard asked Kevin if he thinks that he has to work really hard in bed. Kevin said he does want to please her. He said that he's kind of the wife so his job is to please her. He said it's not hard to get her going. Howard asked if he will lick her asshole. Kevin said he thinks he's done that. He said he won't stop until she's pleased. Kevin said that he has to hang on as long as he can. He said he has to think about other things so he won't finish. He said he has to think about heinous things to stop himself from cumming. Maria didn't know that.
Howard said he has to put a picture of Benjy over Beth's face or he'll cum too soon. Maria told him to stop it. Howard said he knows it's weird. He said Beth has tape marks on her face from it. Maria said she's going to email her and ask if that's true. Howard said all men should get the Benjy mask. Kevin said that's a good idea.
Howard asked Kevin if he thinks that Maria has ever cheated on him. Kevin thought about it and said that he doesn't think so but this Derek thing would be the only one he'd be suspicious of.
Howard asked Maria why she never thanks Kevin when she makes her speeches on Dancing with the Stars. Kevin said he's asked her not to do that. He said that he came out of the light because of Howard. He said for 12 years he was in the darkness. He said he likes his private life. Now he gets calls from people asking for interviews and he says no to them all. He said that he loves Maria unconditionally and he wants her to be happy so if she's not happy with him she'd want her to leave him.
Howard asked Maria who she finds hot. Maria said that she doesn't really find anyone hot. Kevin told her to stop it.
Gary came in and asked if she has a lot of guys hitting on her every day and she doesn't even know it. He said he knows some women who get free ice cream every day and they don't know it's because they're hot. Kevin said she doesn't even realize it. He said she's getting a lot of attention and guys will laugh at her jokes all the time even when they're not funny. Kevin said he's told her that it won't last. He said that she has to prepare for that for the rest of her life when that goes away.
Howard asked Maria what she's wearing. She had little shorts and a little shirt on. Howard said it was fantastic. Howard asked if she lost weight on Dancing with the Stars. She said she gained weight but lost sizes because she gained muscle. Howard asked if she'll go get dancing lessons from Derek. Maria said she might train with a woman. She said that it might be weird to go to Derek. She said she stays in touch with him though. She said she is friends with him. Kevin said they get offers for Maria and Derek to make appearances. Maria said she would do that. Howard asked Kevin if he checks her phone for messages. Kevin said that won't help him. He said he'd rather not know. He said you either do it or don't do it.
Howard asked if Derek is a bore. Maria said he's not a bore. Howard asked what they text about. Maria said they have been in each other's lives for so many hours a day. Howard said he's in Fred's life all the time and they don't text. Maria said she doesn't know. Howard asked to see her phone. She said they were texting about something but she forgets.
Howard really wanted to see what she texts about. Maria said that's embarrassing. Maria didn't want to get her phone. Kevin told her to get it. Howard said he could just read what Maria says. Maria went to get her phone. Kevin said she looks good. Howard said he can't believe he fucks her. Kevin said it is pretty awesome.
Maria came back with the phone and she was going through her texts. Maria said she was going through Kevin's texts. Howard told her to give him the phone. Howard asked if Derek has ever sent her a picture of his cock. Maria said ''No-wah!''
Maria came over and showed Howard the texts. Howard said she really smells good. He asked to see her belly button piercing. Maria was shaking. She said he makes her nervous. Howard read the texts. It was a lot of ''Wow'' and ''Hahaha'' and ''love it.'' Howard read that she tried to Facetime him. Kevin said that's because they were apart for 4 hours. Maria took the phone away. Kevin told her to let Howard clear the air.
Howard said that she won't even let him see. Kevin said it makes it look worse. Maria said she let Howard see it but she's boring.
Maria read her responses to Derek and they were just short one liners. Maria read some of the longer ones. Howard asked why she doesn't go out with girls instead of guys. She said she does that too.
Howard asked Maria if she had a bra on under that outfit. She said she did have panties and a bra on. She said she always wears panties.
Howard asked Kevin what kind of weird things he gets into. Kevin said he doesn't need to go there. He said that it's been a great run for him and he'd die happy if he got hit by a car tomorrow. Kevin said he sees her as a 10 and he doesn't even think he deserves her.
Howard said Maria is on Extra every night. Howard asked if she's gotten any offers from doing Dancing with the Stars. Maria said she hasn't. Kevin said they have gotten a bunch. He said the exposure is fantastic. He said she's just having too much fun. He said that's what her life is about. He said that she takes this ride for granted. Maria said she wants to do everything she can and that's why she's doing what she's doing.
Howard asked Maria why she has to Facetime with Derek. Kevin said he doesn't even Facetime with her. Maria said he doesn't even have an iPhone. Maria said she does it all the time with her friends. Howard said he'll do it with her if she's naked. She said she'd have to get permission. Kevin said he'd be fine with that. He said that with the legends he's fine with it.
Maria asked Howard if he would let Beth Facetime with a legend. Howard said no way. Kevin said that's because Howard is the legend.
Howard told Maria to give Kevin a raise so he can get an iPhone. Maria said he doesn't even want one because he doesn't want to deal with the typing. Kevin said he wrote Maria's last book. He said he wrote the whole thing with Maria. He said that they have a beauty book they want to do and Maria said they like his voice so she's fine with him writing it. Kevin said he wanted to get an office trailer to work in to get the writing done. He said Maria's response is that he does fine writing at the food court at the mall. Maria said he loved writing there and he would tell her to come see him there in his new office.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he works in the medical field and this guy told him that he never passed up an opportunity to get a woman naked no matter what she came in for. Kevin said that's so gross. Howard said they're dudes. That's what dudes do. Maria said that she always brings up priests when she argues about this. She said they're just as bad.
Howard gave Kevin and Maria a plug for AfterBuzzTV.com and then took a call from Ham Hands Bill who asked if the doctors ever licked their fingers after examining her. Maria just said ''Eww'' to that. Bill also asked if Kevin tickles her when they're having sex. Maria said that's not sexy.
Another caller asked Kevin if Maria likes being choked. Kevin said she does but Maria told him that she's going to stab him if he answers this. Howard said he wouldn't choke her. He said he'd be freaked out by that. Kevin said that he doesn't like it either. Howard asked why she likes it. Kevin said she only likes it at that moment. Maria said she does not. Howard asked if it's a rape fantasy. Maria said that it's not like that.
Maria tried changing subjects and asked Howard about being a judge on America's Got Talent. She said that Howard has been in a cave so long that he's seeing the beauty of the world. Howard said they edit that show heavily too. He said that they bring 2 days down to one hour. Howard said he is very blunt with his comments at times. He said that he thinks that they might be taking some of his good moments out. He said he knows it's hard to edit the show though. Maria said that she thinks the live shows are going to be great. She said she never watched the show before Howard was on. She said that the promo completely sold her on watching the show. Maria said she knew she was going to watch it as soon as she knew Howard was going to be on but the promo was great.
Howard asked Maria about being choked again but she asked them to not talk about it. Kevin kept going and said he doesn't want to hurt her so he's freaked out by it. Howard asked how hard he chokes her. Kevin said it's not hard, it's just enough. Maria asked Howard to stop. Howard kept going.
Maria said she doesn't like it. Howard said she must if Kevin is saying she likes it. Kevin said she's giving him the eyes to shut up. Howard asked if she likes being called names too. Kevin said no. Howard said she only likes to be choked. Kevin said he thinks it heightens the climax. Robin said she's never tried that. Howard asked if they do it every time they make love. Kevin said it's like 90 percent of the time. He said he doesn't like doing it. He said she does like being grabbed firmly on her breasts. He said she moves his hands there and that's what he does. Kevin said he got into so much trouble last time they were on. He said she didn't want to bring him today. Kevin said they've been together for 14 years and they're grown adults. He said it's not that big of a deal. Howard said he has learned a lot today. He said he has to process it all now. Maria said she could see Howard's head spinning.
Howard gave Maria and Kevin some plugs for their stuff. Howard gave Maria a plug for her book ''The EveryGirl's Guide to Life'' and ExtraTV.com and AfterBuzzTV.com. Kevin also mentioned that he's @Undergaro on Twitter.
Howard asked Kevin if Maria is bad at blow jobs. Kevin said that she's not very good. He said he can live without that though. He said he likes just looking at her. Kevin said that he doesn't even get hand jobs. Maria said it's time to end this. Kevin said that he has told Maria that he could go to work and she could leave work. He said that she runs right back to work when he tells her all of the stuff she'd have to do aroudn the house. Howard said he learns more about Maria every time she's on the show. He said she's very hot.
Kevin told Howard about the millions of dollars people are making in Hollywood doing things like Maria is doing. He said she's made it and she's got a great thing going on. He said she just needs to appreciate it. Maria said she odes appreciate it. Howard said he learned that Kevin can fuck her and choke her but he can't get a blow job. Kevin said she's a nice girl too.
Howard wondered if he would stay with her if she was disfigured in a car accident. Maria said that Kevin would still love her so that's why he's the one.
Howard asked Kevin if he has ever tried anal. Kevin said he has but he wasn't able to get it in. Howard asked if he's too big. Maria told him to stop it. She was going to leave. She took her headphone and mic off so she could go kiss Howard goodbye. Then she came back and told Kevin to stop it. Kevin asked if she ever asked for anal in the past year. She said she has not. Howard said there's no shame in it. Howard said that Kevin looks like he has tried it. Kevin said he hasn't. Maria said that he's just messing with her on purpose. Howard said he says he's done anal. Maria said he's just messing with her. Kevin said that they haven't been with anyone else so they can discuss these things.
Howard said Robin has done it. Maria said when she wants to explore it she'll call Robin for some advice. Howard said Fred's mom even does it. Howard said it must be so dirty and wild.
Howard asked to see Maria's shoes. She showed him and said that she has fractured feet and she still wore heels. She said that she broke them on Dancing with the Stars.
Howard said that Brooke Burke isn't very good as a reader on Dancing with the Stars. Maria said she's amazing. She said so is Tom (Bergeron).
Kevin told Howard that he took Maria to an audition a few years ago and Brooke Burke told Maria that she didn't have to stay because they were done auditioning. He said she was very nice to Maria. Kevin said she's hot too. Howard said Maria is hotter. Kevin laughed. Howard said that's just the way it is. Howard said he is a judge. Maria asked if he likes being a judge and if he would leave radio to do that. Howard said he would. Maria said doing radio is like part of his life. Howard said it's really not. Maria said she would have to deal with a basket case if he did leave radio. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he'll have to get to the Tony clips tomorrow. Howard said they got caught up in Maria's love life.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that it's an embarrassment that Kevin wrote Maria's book. She also told Howard that AGT isn't on tonight because there's a Stanley Cup playoff game on. AGT is on tomorrow though. Jon said they play a replay of last week's show at 8 and then a new show at 9. Howard said that must be confusing to the audience when they do that. Howard said he's not sure why they do that. Mariann said that she was looking for it all weekend and it wasn't on at all. Howard said he's not sure what they're doing. He said we'll have to wait until tomorrow night.
Mariann said her song loved Jon Hein's new show. She hasn't seen it herself though. She started to mention that her tattoo show is on Howard TV now but Howard hung up on her before she could get it out.
Howard asked Robin to do some news. He said Jon will be doing his Wrap Up Show later. Fred played Robin into her news with a Little Mikey song parody.
Robin started her news with a story about how there are no zombies around even though there have been some strange stories lately. She said the CDC is assuring people that there are no zombies out there.
Howard said he just got a note about how the hockey games get less than 3 million viewers. He said that they were getting 13 million viewers with AGT. Howard said that's odd.
Robin read an article about AGT and how they wonder if Howard Stern has any hidden talents. Robin said they say he can play guitar and hold a tune according to Beth. Robin said they gave Beth a plug for her Mom Caves show that's on HGTV on Saturday nights.
Robin read about Kanye West developing a sneaker that costs $240 a pair. Robin said they flew off the shelves the other day when they came out. Robin said they say that they're fetching up to $6,000 on eBay.com. Robin said she's not sure what's so special about them. She said some people are very rabid about sneakers though. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Kanye West getting a Lamborghini as a birthday gift.
Robin read a story about Robert Kennedy coming out and talking about his wife's death. Robin had some audio of some other people talking about what was going on in her life and how crazy things had gotten.
Robin said that Tommy Chong has said he has prostate cancer. She had some audio of him talking about that. Robin said he's 74 years old. Chong is going to treat it with hemp oil. Howard said that he's heard about guys who have had the operation and it does kind of fuck you up. He said if you're 74 that maybe you just leave it and live another 10 years. Robin said maybe that's why he's treating it with hemp oil. Chong thinks that being in jail is what caused the cancer. He was healthy before and while he was in jail but he got it when he was done with his jail time. Howard said he's sorry to hear he has cancer. He did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about Robin Roberts coming out and saying that she has to get a bone marrow transplant. She had breast cancer a couple of years ago and now she's got this form of Leukemia.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when today's show is going to be on Howard TV. Howard said they should rush that one on. Fred threw in a couple of clips of Maria saying ''No-wah'' and ''Yes-ah.'' The caller also told Howard that Neil Young is going to be playing in New York in November. Howard said he is a huge fan of Neil's but he doesn't want to see him doing his new songs. The caller said that he thinks the new stuff is great. Howard said it's not great. The caller told him to play it. Howard said he had it on his computer this morning but he removed it. Gary had it for him almost immediately. Howard said he played the song a few times and got into it but that's not what he wants to hear in concert. He wants to hear the classics. Young covers ''Oh Suzanna'' in his own unique way. Howard played some of that and said that maybe he should just write a new song instead of just changing the whole song aroudn. He said it reminds him of that song ''Venus'' so he played some of that. Howard said maybe he'll go to the concert. The caller told him to change his schedule and go on a Tuesday night. Howard said he's not sure who can go to a concert on a Tuesday night. Howard asked Maria Menounos who built the ark. Fred played her ''No-wah'' clip. Howard said she's lucky she's cute. Howard said he'd throw her out a window if she looked like Benjy.
Robin read some news about the Jerry Sandusky case and what's going on with that right now. Robin said that they say Sandusky is going to say that he has had some play in the showers but his excuse is that he's just an overgrown kid. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on the case. Fred kept throwing in Maria ''No-wah'' and ''Yes-ah'' clips when Howard was playing audio clips. Howard read a live commercial after that story.
Robin read a story about this pastor who choked and punched his daughter when she asked to go to a party. Robin said the pastor claims he never attacked his daughter. Robin had some audio of the pastor talking to his audience about how he never should have been arrested. Robin had some audio of some of his people talking about what a great man this pastor is.
Howard said he's fatter than ever. He said his belly is hanging over his pants. He said he's starving himself and working out and he still can't lose the weight.
Robin said there are some leaks coming out of the White House and Senator John McCain is saying that he thinks that it's someone in the White House. Robin had some audio of McCain talking about the leaks.
Robin read a story about David Deal who was busted for DWI in Queens last night. Robin said they say his blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit. He struck two vehicles according to the story Robin read. Robin said he blew a .18 and the limit is .08.
Robin read about Lindsay Lohan crashing a car last week. Robin said that she finished her probation and then had another accident. Robin said she ended up crashing this $80,000 Porsche. Howard said he heard it was a rental car and the person who told him that was asking who in their right mind would rent her a car. Robin said that they say she's claiming that the brakes didn't work and they had just been fixed two days before. Robin said they are investigating the story now.
Robin read about Apples World Wide Developers Conference is this week. Robin said that there are rumors about the things that will be unveiled this week. Howard said he heard that the new iPhone is going to be powered from movement and not by a battery. Robin wondered what Gary had to say about that. Howard said Gary is the one who said that the iPad was a misstep by Apple. Gary said that Howard is acting like he knew that it was going to be a big hit. Gary said he was just responding to a question about it when they introduced it. No one knew that it was going to be so big. Howard asked Gary if he heard about the iPhone being powered by movement. Gary said that sounds amazing but he hadn't heard that one. Howard said he thinks that Steve Jobs would watch old Star Trek shows and see the stuff they and just tell his guys to make it. Howard said he's been watching movies and trying to come up with things that he could make. Howard said that they had those virtual holograms in Star Wars. He said that might be the next big thing. Howard said he thinks that the next big thing would be having a hologram of yourself. He said it's in the movies so they need to get one of those going. He said he's going to have to figure out how to do it. He'll have to hire some people.
Robin read about how a bidder came up with a bid of $3.5 million to sit down to lunch with Warren Buffet. Robin said that the auction was held to raise money for a charity. Robin said that Lisa G is only charging $100.
Robin read a story about a guy who claims that he was burned by a jet of steam from a urinal when he was urinating. Robin said that they claims that the bathroom has had that problem when they use something in the kitchen.
Robin read about Madagascar 3 being number 1 at the box office this weekend. Howard said he heard there's a Baba Booey reference in the movie. Robin read some other details about the big movies this weekend. Howard said he wants to see Prometheus but he won't go to a theater again. He said The Avengers got him to go but he's not going again. Robin wrapped up and Howard played the Madagascar commercial where they have the Baba Booey reference. They ended the show aroudn 10:30am.
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Kevin said that Maria's dad is a Greek immigrant and he went into a deep depression over the whole not being married thing. He said that a marriage is a big event and his whole thing is that he'd want to make it a big event. He said that they should do it that way or not bother.
Gary said he's the same way with his wife. He said he'd rather have a block party and his wife would rather have a dinner party.
Kevin also talked about getting his sperm tested and how that didn't come out very good. He said that they're not sure if they want to have kids. He said the safe bet would be to have an embryo frozen.
Gary said he heard that Maria may have left kind of irritated today. Jon said he heard the same thing. He asked Kevin and Maria to come in today. Kevin said he was trying to keep Maria away from him so he could avoid that talk. He said he knew that if he could get a couple of hours that things would calm down. He said Maria told him that they had a meeting over a cook book and he said he didn't have to be there for that. He said that she wanted him there though. Gary said Kevin wants to be on Wrap Up because he's a fan of the show. Kevin said it's that and he doesn't want to face the music. He said he'd get thrashed for a few hours if he went with her today. He said that he's going to let her calm down for a few hours and he'll be fine later.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Kevin how much he thinks that Howard is projecting his thoughts about Beth when he's asking about Maria. He said that Beth isn't on Dancing with the Stars because of Howard's jealousy. Kevin said when you're on someone's show it's their show. He said you can't turn the tables on the host. He said he would know that it's just something you don't do. Kevin said he never considered Howard projecting anything other than the ability to be jealous. Gary said he thinks Howard has been pretty honest about how he'd feel about Beth being on a show like that.
Jon asked Kevin if today was he first time he told Maria he was jealous of Derek. Kevin said it was. He said that you do have to trust the person and let them live. He said that he doesn't think that they'll have the problems that many couples have. He said that Maria is able to do everything she wants to do now and it'll be fine when they get older. He said this was really the first time he was pushed to the limit.
Kevin said he worked in a tough business and things are different now. He said he has a new appreciation for life. He said that he trusts Maria and if she's going to go off with someone else then that's fine. He said they'll just split things up and go their separate ways.
Benjy asked if he thinks that Maria has crossed the line at all. Kevin said if he starts to think that way he'll just take his mind off of it because he doesn't want to think that way. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said he can only speak for himself. He said that his agent is Howard's agent and he told him that it was time for him to go out and figure out what his next phase of his career is going to be. Gary said that Howard wanted him to be the host of the Wrap Up Show before they even started there. He said that he's just taking his skills to another place and doing something that works for him. He said Howard told them to get something so when he leaves he'll have something to fall back on. Gary said he didn't expect Howard to say it was great news for him. He said that it's different for everyone there. Gary said Jon wasn't even in the business before. He did have his web site and he had spoken to the press.
Jon asked Benjy what he thinks about this. Benjy ended up asking Kevin more about anal with Maria. Kevin said that they have to take care of their foundation first and that's taking care of Howard's show first. Gary said it's always like that. Kevin said that if they start doing too much outside of the show then it takes away from the show. He said he thinks Jackie was a little distracted with all of the things he was trying to sell. He said you take care of your foundation first.
Gary said he thinks that Jackie wasn't distracted but he felt that his career outside of the show was more important. Kevin said that Jackie is a great example of one of those people who forgot that.
Jon said that they were talking about the Miami thing and Maria posing for the photographers. Kevin said there are people who have photographer numbers in their phones to tell them to come and photograph them. He said Maria doesn't do that. He said that they go to Miami to hang out with friends but he doesn't want to go anymore. He said that when you have a girl in a bikini it's crazy. He said the photographers will be 10-15 feet away just taking pictures. He said their friends will be there and their vacation is ruined. He said one photographer approached and asked her to splashed and play and they'll leave them alone if she does that. He said they kept their word. Maria did her thing and they all left.
Gary said that when you're in show business you need to have an ego. He said that if Miley Cyrus came up then the guys are going to run away to her. Kevin said that would be embarrassing but they really don't want the guys around. He said Maria is in perfect shape right now. He said that Maria was kind of out of shape when she lost the bet to Mario but he put his arm aroudn her to cover that up. He said she's not that obsessed with her body. He said that Maria really didn't want to do that because she wasn't in the greatest shape. He said it turned out to be a great thing though.
The guys asked Kevin if he was afraid that Maria was going to come back with her phone and have some message that he didn't want to hear. Kevin said he just wanted her to get the phone and read that stuff. He did want to be fair to Derek though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they really beat up on Maria when she's on the show. Gary said he doesn't think he pushed her any worse than Jenny McCarthy. Kevin said that he's glad that Maria was able to come in and clear the air about the whole Derek thing.
Gary said he thought that there was a chance that they could have broken up over that whole thing. Kevin said he's been with her for 14 years and this really did push them to the limit. Kevin said that it's the intensity that gets to you. He said he sees why movie stars get pushed in a relationship. Gary said Joan Rivers was talking about her affair with Robert Mitchum and that surprised him. They had to go to break after that.
Kevin said that they do get some big guests on that show. Gary said if no one was listening the show would be gone. John said he's wrong. He said that Ralph gets paid more than Riley and the interns. He said the fans he comes in contact with don't even know when the show is on. He said they know when Riley is on and when the interns and Jackie is on. He said no one knows when Geektime is on. John said they're all afraid of Ralph and he's an ugly, 47 year old, no talent, berry faced, big nosed, snaggle toothed scumbag.
Gary said he has to be able to talk. John wasn't letting him speak at all. John said that 90 percent of the fans agree with him. Gary said that he's had fights with Ralph and he's not afraid of him. He said that he doesn't think anyone is afraid of him there. Gary said that this is just his opinion and he doesn't know that these are the facts. Gary said he only knows what the people he hangs aroudn think about the show.
Jon told John to let Tim talk when he comes in. Tim came in and said he thought that he and John were very close. John called him fat and referred to him as a cheap mother fucker. John said he feels that if he were to do his show again he should be paid equal to what Ralph gets paid. Gary asked how he knows he's not. John said there's no way Ralph only gets paid $150 a show. Tim said he's not commenting on anyone's salary. He said that they treat everyone there fairly. He said there's not a lot of money there. He said John had a great opportunity. John said that everyone is afraid of Ralph. He said he's 47 years old and he's a club kid. He said he's a drunk and a druggie and a prick. Gary said they don't know any of that. John asked why he's defending him. Gary said he's playing Devil's advocate.
Jon asked John why he thinks Ralph isn't calling in. John said that Ralph doesn't care. John kept repeating his comments about Ralph and how he thinks that no one listens to Geektime. Kevin said they do listen to it. John said no one listens to it. Jon thanked him for coming down. John told Ralph ''fuck you'' as they were ending the show. John said he'd love to stand his ground with Ralph but he didn't get a chance to. Jon had to shut off his mic so they could wrap up with the rest of the guys. They were done at 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how bad his microphone sounded. It was cutting out as he spoke. Howard said he did touch it. He said he moved it and it went kablooey. Howard said maybe it's the wire. Howard laughed. He said he just wants to go home now. He said if the mic doesn't work then he's just going to go home.
Howard started over again and said he's not sure where to begin. He said they had Maria Menounos on the show yesterday and she's a host on Extra TV. He said she was telling a story about a couple of doctors who molested her. He said she was saying it was going to be all over the news and he thought she was nuts. Howard said she was right though.
Howard said Robin's mic is low today. He said he mentioned it yesterday. Jim McClure fixed it for her. Howard said some people said they had trouble hearing her. Howard said it's okay if it's Robin but if it's him then it's a problem.
Howard got back to the Maria story that was in the NY Daily News today. they had a full page story about what she told on the show yesterday. Howard said they wrote about how she brings her boyfriend Kevin into the examining room now that she's been molested before. Howard said Maria said you should be able to trust your doctor like you should be able to trust a priest.
Howard said that Maria claims that she was molested when she went in to get her throat checked out. He said that she also had a doctor commenting on her belly button piercing once. Howard said that's just not the right thing to do. Howard said they also say that Kevin was jealous of her partner on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said if his wife was carrying on with a dance partner like Maria was then he can imagine a separation happening.
Howard said he was thinking about the interview yesterday and he thought about how Maria and Derek are still texting. He said that people have to have their separate relationships and individuality but if his wife kept going with texting then he'd be upset. He said Maria is still talking to that guy through text and Facetime. Howard said he has to admit it would be more than he can handle. Howard said he thinks that he'd fuck some girl if that was going on. Howard said he knows himself and he is not a good man.
Howard said Maria refused to show him the texts that she and Derek are sharing. Howard said he wasn't going to read them on the air. He said he just wanted to see what she was saying to him. He wanted to see if they were innocent. He said he's not sure how innocent that is.
Robin said that on that show whenever the people leave they talk about how they're going to be lifelong friends. Howard said you know that you're working in close quarters and she doesn't want to let go to this day. Howard said he has to question how easy that can be for Kevin. He said he thinks if he was carrying on with a woman like that then Maria would put a stop to it. He said he gets that.
Howard said he doesn't get why she went on a date to Beecher's Madhouse. He said they're still flirting by text. Howard said he's not one of these jealous guys who keeps tabs on his wife. He said Beth went out and did an event last night and she filled in for Adrian Grenier who ended up backing out of this charity event. Howard said he has seen this a lot with celebrities. He said that he got upset because Beth didn't want to do it but they were in the lurch and they needed someone to fill in for Adrian. Howard said it was for the Bideawee charity.
Howard said that Beth went out on her own and he doesn't keep track of her every minute. Howard said if she was constantly texting a guy like Derek then he's not sure how upset he'd get. Howard said he would bum out. Robin said these things can lead to other dual personal appearances. Howard said that doesn't mean you have to keep texting.
Howard said he's not trying to put a wedge in their relationship. He said he likes Maria and Kevin. He said Kevin was really good on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard played some of that interview from yesterday's Wrap Up. Howard said he loves Kevin. He said that guy is an open book. He said that Kevin kind of works for Maria and the relationship is kind of reversed. He said if he was the bread winner he'd just put a stop to it. Howard said that Maria is a really beautiful woman and he doesn't want to let her go. Howard said he gets that with Beth once in a while. Howard said he doesn't want anyone hitting on her either.
Howard played more of Kevin talking about why he let Maria go off on her own after the show so he wouldn't have to deal with her being upset with him. Howard said that guy is great. He said they really are a terrific couple. Howard said he thinks that she tortures him with that Derek stuff though. He said she should cut it out. Howard said she can't stay away from the guy. Robin said that usually means something is going on in the relationship. Howard said she's right about that.
The caller said that he could be brought up on charges for lying about something like that. He said seeing the guy do it kind of made him angry in a lot of ways. Robin said it should be made a crime. Howard said he did serve in the military for 9 years, not 14, but he does respect that service. Howard said he respects anyone who puts their lives at risk for this country. Howard said he thinks about these guys every day. He said he can't believe how brave they are and what a coward he is. Howard said he thanks god for those people who are so brave.
Howard said he still applauds this guy for doing his 9 years. He said if he did a month in Afghanistan that's still impressive to him. He said he was injured in a training accident and that impresses him too. Howard said making up that story isn't cool. Howard said the real heroes out there are going to tell their stories and they're looked at suspiciously. Howard said it makes everyone look bad. He said this guy puts a black eye on things if that's what he's going aroudn doing. Howard said it's not cool.
Howard said he's not going to reveal what happens in Vegas but he hopes they show it on AGT. He said if he goes on then they should let him and then let the audience and judges to have their way with him. Robin said she doesn't want to see him if he's a criminal.
Howard said that Robin loves this stuff. He said she just wants to get to the phone and vote. Howard thanked the caller for his service. The caller said he does it for his country. Howard thanked him again and let him go.
Howard said he did ask Tim Poe to come on the show but that didn't go well. He said Gary reached out and it didn't work out.
Howard said he is a judge on one of these shows and he knows how long the tapings can be. Howard said there is no nonsense on his shows. He said if someone walked off he would put a brick through their head. Howard said there is no rock star shit with him. He said that he'll be on time and he'll do his work. Howard said there have been some times when people felt ill but no one got up off the desk. Howard said the day is long and you have to get through hundreds of acts in a day.
Robin said she said that Britney was going to be crazy. Howard said he got attacked for saying that too. Howard said Britney's fans were telling him that he was a loser judge and Britney was a winner. Howard said that she's a troubled girl and he thinks she's a train wreck. He said that some of these articles can be fake because he and Howie have been in some articles as being at each other's throats. Howard said there are stories about him and Nick being at each other but those stories aren't true. Howard said there is no nonsense on his show. Howard said when he works he doesn't want any nonsense.
Howard said he's not sure how Britney can live with herself walking off the show. He said he's not sure if it's true or not but if it is, she's a lunatic.
Robin said she's a child star and she doesn't know what hard work is about. Howard said there's a guy, Frank Cady, who just died at the age of 96. He said that he was on Green Acres and he ran the store in Hooterville. Howard said he liked that guy. Howard said that's a long fucking time to live. Robin said she hasn't seen him in a long time.
Howard played a new song that the guys created. It was Maria Menounos singing ''No-wah'' in the song ''Rehab.'' Howard said that he think it's a Dan the Song Parody Man song. Howard said Psyche wrote a song about Sal's new teeth too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has ADHD too and he only needs a break when he's bored. He said Britney may be bored. Howard said if they're paying you $15 million then you have some obligation to work. He said that ADHD is nonsense. the caller said he agrees. Howard said the caller knows he can pay attention. Howard said he zones out when he reads a book or a teacher is teaching him something he's not interested in. He said he thought he was just dopey but he must have ADHD.
Robin asked if the caller is on medication. The caller said he had some to take but he never really took it when he was in school.
Howard said he got to AGT they told him he was wonderful. He said he came out of his dressing room on time and all of that. Howard said he's just doing the right thing. He said he's there for them. He said he was hired and he's just doing his job. He said they told him about what Piers would do and how he wasn't on time and things. Howard said that's not the way he works.
Howard said 90 percent of being a success in life is just following the rules. He said that an employer really likes that. He said that's what most of success is. He said you just do what's expected of you.
Howard said Britney Spears gets through her concerts without a break. He said she should be able to do that show without a break. Howard said maybe the story isn't even true. He said when she comes in maybe they'll find out. Robin asked if she's coming in. Howard said she's not but if she ever does then they'll find out.
Howard said he showed up every day for his radio show and he put his energy into it. He said he was a rule breaker with the content he performed but he worked hard. Howard said you do whatever you have to do to get through it.
The caller asked Howard to get rid of Jackie doing promotion for his show. He said that he counts every show and it's annoying. Howard said he should get rid of that. He told Tim to stop with those promos. Robin said that must be why he was at Comic-Con. She said that comic books have numbers too. Howard goofed on Jackie for a minute doing his impression. Howard said he likes that Jackie is on the channels but if Mike is bothered by those promos then they should stop them. Howard said there's no reason to bother the listeners with that stuff. Howard said Tim won't take them off anyway. He said he told Tim he has full control of the channels.
Howard asked Eric if he listens to his own show. Eric said he doesn't criticize Howard's show. Howard said that he was able to hear the girl more than Eric. Howard said the noise from the paper was louder than Eric. Howard said she must not be listening to the show as they're recording it. Eric said they don't listen to it with headphones. Howard asked how they hear each other. Eric said they're in the same room. Howard said his show would be 1000 times better if they had headphones.
Howard said he is the most successful guy in radio and if he gives him some advice he should take it. JD came in and said they just use the microphone on the camera. He said there's nothing professional about this at all. JD said the whole show is in disarray.
Howard said he's going to play the show for Eric and critique it for him. Eric has never even listened to his own show. Howard asked if he cares about how it sounds. Eric said he goes by the word of other people who tell him it's okay. Howard said he listens to Howard 100 and 101 to hear what's going on there. He said he has to hear what it sounds like to a guy in his car. Howard said maybe some people are trying to help him. Howard said he blocks everyone who is negative. Robin said if he was serious about broadcasting he would listen back to it.
Howard said he has to watch his Letterman appearances to see how he does. Howard said it's very arrogant not to listen to himself.
Howard said he played some of this yesterday but Eric got upset. He said that's ridiculous but he'll do it again for him now.
Howard played a clip where Eric was opening the show and he said the name of the show wrong. Howard said you can hear the woman typing over Eric. Howard said he wasn't even able to make out what he said. Howard did an impression of that and covered his mouth as he did it. Fred played some typing sounds in the background.
Howard said he is not adding any sound effect to Eric's show. He said this is how it sounded. Howard said the typing in that clip is not from them. Howard let the clip play and Eric was talking but it was very hard to hear him.
Howard said this woman Eric works with is fumbling with papers and you can't hear what Eric is saying. Howard said you can hear the woman just fine. He played that clip and the girl asked a question and Eric answered but he sounded like he was off in the distance. Howard said the paper shuffling sounds are not from him. He said this is comical.
Howard said if he did the show like that no one would listen. He said that Eric is hard to understand at times. Howard said he does have that voice that's hard to follow. Howard said Eric is talking about his favorite foods and the woman is shuffling papers around again. He played another clip and she asked Eric a question and you can barely hear Eric to begin with. Then you hear the shuffling of paper again. Howard said they should put on some headphones to hear what's going on there.
Howard asked Eric if he can hear this. Eric said he doesn't have a thing to put a set of headphones into. Robin said he can't do a broadcast then. Howard asked who this girl is and if she's hot. Eric said she is hot. Robin said maybe he doesn't care to be heard. Howard asked if she's a professional broadcaster. Eric said she and the person who are doing the whole site... Howard cut him off and said that his answer is just like they say he talks. Howard said he pauses during words. Howard said he has to be right on the microphone and there can't be any fumbling papers. He said Eric gets angry at him and not the people who put this together.
Eric said the pauses in his speech are him trying to come up with something to say. Howard said he's hard to understand when he does that. Eric said he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and get stuck with it. Howard said that's what he sounds like and there's noting to worry about since they can't hear what he's saying.
Howard said he is an Eric the Actor fan and he wants to hear what he says. Eric said if he would shut up and let him say what he has to say then maybe he'd hear. Eric said the guy and the girl are trying to stay behind the scenes. He said they don't want to be on cam. Howard asked if the technical guy wears headphones. Eric said he is the only one who does. Robin said the girl is the only one they can hear. Howard said their actions don't speak to what they're saying.
Howard said all he hears is paper shuffling. Fred played typing sounds as Howard crumpled his paper. Howard and Fred went on with that for a few seconds. Fred did his impression of Eric talking behind all of that.
Howard asked why he does a show they can't hear. He said the name of the show should be Eric's paper crumpling and typing sounds show. He said if that's what he was going for then he'd have a hit show.
Howard said people won't put up with anything like that. He said he's a hit on radio and he can help him with that. Howard said he's not saying it to be mean. He said he's trying to get him some listeners. He said he's the only one talking about the show. He said no one else is talking about it.
Howard asked who the engineer is, Lou Ferrigno? Howard did an impression of Lou for a few seconds and then did the paper crumpling thing again. Howard and Fred did their thing for a few more seconds. Howard said he hopes this is of use to Eric. He said he's just trying to be constructive.
Eric said he's considering putting the show on hiatus until the technical issues are fixed. Howard said he's looking forward to his next show. He said he knows how frustrating that stuff can be.
Eric said he's going to try and enter a contest. Howard crumpled paper and Fred played the typing sounds over Eric trying to talk. Fred threw in some gun fire sounds too.
Eric was trying to tell Howard about this contest he was trying to enter. Fred played duck quacking sounds over him. Eric said he's trying to get in on the Live with Kelly Co-Host search contest. Howard said he would love to see that. Howard said that he knows their votes are horse shit. He said that they voted for someone once and they got someone through and they didn't put that person on. He said he thinks that was Booker. Howard said if they did get Eric through he knows they won't put him on. Howard said maybe they don't want handicapped people on the show with Kelly.
Howard said maybe Kelly would be crumpling paper during the whole broadcast. Fred played a Geiger counter behind Howard as he tried to talk to Eric. Eric said he is going to send in a video for the contest. Fred was playing all kinds of sounds over him. He had a snake hissing and gun shots over him.
Eric said he has to submit his video by the 29th. Fred was playing a scraping sound over him. Eric tried to get the line out again. Howard told Eric to get it out because we'll all vote for him. Howard said he's sure the video will be great. He said he'd love to see a copy of that. He said they'll probably shoot it from the JFSC studios.
Howard asked Eric if he has an agenda for the video. Eric said ''not really...'' Howard said that should be great then. Howard said he really has to come up with something. Howard did his impression of Eric doing the video. Eric said it would be nice if he would let him answer Robin's question. Eric said what he wants to do is... Fred played some horse racing sounds over him. Eric said they are such immature assholes. Fred threw in a Daniel Carver ''I agree with that.'' clip.
Eric said he's going to tell Kelly that he's been a part of the Howard Stern Show and he's called in and been on the show for years. Howard said what Eric should do is talk about his night before and not talk about what he's done. Talk about what he's doing now. Howard said that's what Regis would do. Robin said he has to act like a host. Howard said he can threaten them and say that they're racist if they don't pick him to host.
Howard said his chances of getting picked are zero but he'll vote for him. Howard said Eric has a very upbeat personality so he's perfect for the show. Howard said maybe they can act out what the hosting would be like. Howard said he'll be Kelly and Eric will be the co-host.
Howard, as Kelly, started off and said they were very excited today because they have someone new in the family. He introduced Eric and said he was on the Howard Stern Show. Howard then welcomed Eric and Eric thanked ''Kelly'' and said good morning. Kelly asked Eric what he's been doing. Eric talked about being a caller on the Howard Stern Show for 10 years. Eric said he's also had 3 acting jobs on a few shows. Fred started playing snoring sounds. Kelly asked what he played on In Plain Sight, a door stop? Robin said she's changing the channel. Howard said he thought Eric was going to take over but he just wanted to talk about himself. Robin said he can't just say he was a caller on the Stern Show. He has to explain. Kelly said they were going to bring out a 40 pound cat to eat Eric.
Howard kept going as Kelly and asked Eric what happened on the set of In Plain Sight. Eric said he got to meet the cast and crew and did his part. Kelly asked if he was afraid of Werewolves out there during the In Plain Sight shoot. Eric said he didn't encounter any.
Robin said Eric should have told the story about his friend convincing him that Werewolves actually exist. Fred threw in some Elephant Boy laughs as they were talking about that.
Howard told Eric to let them know when his tape is up so they can vote for him. Howard said he has taken a special interest in Eric's career and he thinks he can help him out with this co-hosting thing. Howard said maybe he can the girl he does the JFSC thing with can bounce back and forth doing some stuff.
Eric asked if they are on air next week. Howard said they are. Eric said he will send him the tape next week. Howard said he's spent too much time with him. He said he has to have his engineer listen to the show closely. Robin said poor JD is forced to listen to that out there. Howard said he's the only one who has to listen to it.
Howard said Eric is his heir apparent. He asked Eric if he knows what that means. Eric said it means he's going to follow Howard. Howard said that's right. He's grooming him to follow him. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and asked Fred if that was The Cars he was playing. He said that Sal and Richard have been working and they put together a phony phone call that's so complicated. He said that they listen to Tradio and one of the shows they listen to they have the same caller every day. They taped that guy and took the tape and called in using that guy's voice. Then the guy whose voice they used calls in and says it's not him so Sal and Richard took that tape and called in again using that audio making it sound like that wasn't him calling in either.
Howard played the call and you hear the host all fired up about this big show they were doing. Howard said he wants to make the opening of their show the opening of his show. The opening is about God and sensing his presence. Howard said they get god in there somehow even though they're doing a show about selling stuff. Robin said she can't imagine why this radio show still exists.
Howard replayed the opening of the Tradio show and talked about how the host is shot out of a cannon. Howard said he's so loud that his voice is over modulating. The host takes a call from this guy Rick who is a regular caller. Howard said it's actually Sal and Richard playing audio of Rick. The host doesn't know what he was trying to sell so he asked him what he had. Rick mumbled something and didn't really say what it was. The host didn't know what was going on. The host takes another call from Rick and it's Sal and Richard again playing clips of him saying he has paper for sale. Then the real Rick calls in and tells the host that it's not really him. Rick says that he heard that someone called in as him but it was not him. The host apologized. Rick said it was fine but he hopes that someone apologizes to him.
Howard said Sal and Richard got encouraged by that so they took other clips and called in with Rick saying more stuff that didn't make sense. Then they took his clips of him saying he wishes that whoever did it would call him and let him know. Then they had him telling the host that he had more for sale. Howard said this goes on and on.
Howard said he thinks that Rick is the only one who calls that show. Howard said he's never heard someone say the word ''shall'' like that guy did. He said Sal and Richard really like making those prank calls to Tradio. He said that it's not appreciated by Rick though.
Richard had the opening for the show that Howard asked for. He said at the end of that clip there's a great commercial. He said the guy has a ton of echo on his voice and it's for a jubilee. Howard said he deleted it. Fred played the opening for the Tradio show. Howard said that's beautiful. Howard said maybe the people tuning in to hear the show for the first time will be comforted by it.
Howard asked Richard when they had Wendy the Retard calling in. Richard said it's an internet show about yeast infections. He said he thinks that the woman is a spiritual healer. Howard said that one was a weird one. He said that's great that women would go to a spiritual healer for a yeast infection. Richard said they just pranked her that one time. He said her show is always about yeast infections. He said there are so many internet radio shows now. He said that he's not sure who is listening to them though.
Howard said that this one guy listening to the yeast show knew who Wendy was and he must be a fan of both shows. Howard said you have to check this one out. Howard played the call and Sal and Richard called in using Wendy the Retard audio to go nuts on the yeast infection lady. The host said she must have some kind of anger issue. She took another call from Wendy and then this dude calls in and tells the woman that they were prank calling her. The host doesn't even understand what a prank call is. She had no idea that people do that. She said that is not a good thing to do and it's not good for your Karma. Howard said it's not good Karma to pass yourself off as a spiritual healer. Howard said he's pretty sure that a yeast infection can be cured by medical science, not by spiritual healing. Howard said he wants to hear the actual show. He said Sal and Richard are fucking it up.
Gary said that Sal says he gets yeast in his pouch. Howard said maybe he should call into that lady to get healed. Howard said Sal is so gross. Fred said he's never had a yeast issue. He's not sure what he's doing to that thing. Howard said he must be sticking it in Richard's ass. Richard said that thing does stink sometimes. He said they pee together and he smells his cock.
Sal came in and said that it doesn't stink like that. He said if he doesn't shower for 3 days it will stink but it's not always like that. He said he can get yeast in there if you don't keep it clean. He said sometimes there's a bit of cheese on the rim. Sal said that was when he was younger. He said it doesn't happen now. Sal said that leads to Eczema and it looks like he has measles on his cock. He said he put some stuff on it to clear it up and it turned his cock purple. Sal said he went online and bought some kind of oil to put on it and it was a dye so his dick was purple for 2 weeks. He said he went to a doctor and the guy told him what it was and how he could get rid of it. The doctor told him it's called Balanitis. Sal said he's been good ever since.
Sal said he had a girl go down on him once and she told him that his cock stunk like shit and she threw up. He said that she threw up and wouldn't blow him. Sal said he went to the beach once and he was making out with this girl and she reached into his pants. He said her hand came out and he caught a whiff. He said that she went into the house and didn't do anything. Howard said he would shower twice a day if he had that stink.
Sal said his cock is clean this morning and if Richard wants to smell it right now he's ready. Howard had him do that. Sal pulled out his cock and Richard was ready to smell it. Sal stretched out his pouch and Richard took a whiff. Richard said it smells fine. He said it smells clean as a whistle. Richard said he has smelled his cock before. He said it's rare but it has smelled bad before. He said it's been about a year now.
Richard said Sal should grow some yeast for them for next week. Sal said he'll have Balanitis if he does that. He said he can't do that again. He said his wife saw it when he turned it purple. He said she wondered what he hell he was doing and he told her he was just drying it out.
Howard said he got a note about that spiritual healer and they say that her father and grandfather were doctors and she claims to be a medical intuitive.
Gary told Howard about the $700 shoes that Sal got for his wife. He went to do an appearance last weekend and his wife ended up throwing up on them. Sal said she doesn't drink so she got drunk and threw up and passed out. Sal said that she had a few drinks and she passed out and he had to carry her out on his back. Richard said Sal broke his toe too. Howard said he has to get that checked out. Sal said the toe is black. He said it's black right now. Howard said Sal is so stupid. He said that's enough stupidity for now. He told Sal to go grow some yeast on his cock. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that they've posted a picture of Sal's toe on HowardStern.com Howard said he's never seen anything like it. He said that it's the one next to his big toe. Howard said it's really disturbing.
Howard said that Megan Fox didn't want to talk about her baby in an interview. Howard said that she was in one big movie and that's it. He said he's not sure what's going on with her. Howard played a clip of an interviewer saying that he was told not to ask any personal questions at all. Howard said she's hot and all but there's no reason for her to do that. Howard played more of the clip and the interviewer asked Megan about her ad campaign. The interviewer said that every man wants a baby and Megan knew where he was going with that. Then her people called off the interview. Howard said that's such a horrible job being a publicist. He said that the publicist just yells ''No! No! No!'' and calls it off.
Howard said no one really gives a shit about her baby. Howard said the guy doing the interview is Steve Jones who was on X Factor and got fired. Howard said he apparently landed on his feet with this interview. Howard replayed the whole thing and talked about how you can't live in L.A. because it's the dumbest fucking worked out there.
Howard let the clip play through and Steve was saying that Megan would have answered if the other woman didn't stop her. Howard said she wouldn't have continued with it. He said that the P.R. person must go home and say she did such a good job stooping him from asking the question. Howard said he would divorce that woman if she came home bragging about that. Howard said it's a crazy world out there.
Howard said they ask Big foot a question and you have to guess if he can answer it correctly. The practice question was ''Is the number 3 an odd or even number?'' Butch knew it was an odd number. Howard asked if he thinks Big Foot will know. Butch said no. Big Foot actually got that one right.
Howard said Butch has to get 3 out of 5 right. Howard played the first question which was ''What does fornicate mean?'' Butch asked Robin and Fred what they think. Butch ended up skipping Fred's answer and said he's just going to say Big Foot will not know. Big Foot said ''a foreign letter?''
The next question was ''Takes a licking and keeps on _____'' Butch said he'll say no. Howard and Robin think he'll know. Big Foot's answer was ''Takes a licking and keeps on a running.'' The correct answer is ''ticking.''
Howard said Butch needs one more right to win. The next question was ''What is a herbivore?'' Butch knew what it was. He said that Big Foot won't know the answer. Howard had Fred lock him in on that answer. Big Foot's answer was ''A skateboard?'' Butch just won a new iPad.
Howard said Butch was quite the contestant. Howard said he just won so he thanked him for playing. Howard put him on hold and went to break.
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Howard said that Adam Carolla is coming in now. Howard said Adam and Jimmy Kimmel were on the Man Show together. Gary came in and said that Adam just went to the bathroom. Robin said they had a long break there. He could have gone any time.
Howard said he heard that Adam went off on the 80s channel there. Adam said that if he hears Union of the Snake one more time on that channel he's going to lose it. He said they have a station called First Wave and that's supposed to be that kind of music. He said they have Union of the Snake and Safety Dance and horrible stuff like that on the 80s channel. Howard said he thinks he likes that Safety Dance song.
Howard said Adam was in radio and he knows it's almost impossible to pick out music for the masses. Howard said for every song you like there are a bunch of guys out there who hate it.
Adam said what they do is test the music with retards on the street. Howard said you have to make your own iPod or something. Adam said if you're paying a premium for that stuff you should get what you want. Adam said there is 80s music that's good. He said Joe Jackson, Talking Heads, Graham Parker and stuff like that is First Wave in his mind. He said what they're playing is Adam Sandler movie music. He said they're horrible at what they do. He said they're hacks. Howard said he listens to a couple of stations like Coffee House and things like that and they do replay stuff but he likes some of those songs.
Fred played some of Union of the Snake since Adam couldn't get off of it. Adam asked Fred if he just turned on the 80s channel or did he have to cue it up. He said that song is on all the time.
Howard said Adam has written another book. He said he has done it all. He was on the Man show, he was on the Apprentice and he was on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said Adam has said that Clay Aiken was very manly with his work ethic. Adam said he was tough and tenacious. He said you'd think that Lou Ferrigno would be the guy based on his work out ethic. Adam said that you'd think that Clay would be crying and getting upset while listening to Union of the Snake on First Wave. He said that's not the way it was at all.
Howard asked Adam if he would hang out with Clay. Adam said he came out to one of his shows with his boyfriend and his brother. He said he never did say which was which so he found that kind of odd.
Howard said that Adam claims that his Podcast is the most successful ever. He asked how he proves something like that. Adam said he just walks around making that stuff up. Howard said Adam really says that it took off. Adam said Ricky Gervais had the record and he thought that he could beat it so they came out and verified it with the Guinness Book of World Records.
Adam said that Ricky comes over here and makes fun of our celebrities and then goes home and continues to do so. He said ''fuck that guy.'' Howard asked Adam if he's upset he's in the same business as the Yeast lady. Adam said he's not upset at all. He said there are still bad radio guys out there and he's doing just fine. Adam said there are like a million other Podcasts out there.
Howard said Adam is pretty conservative. He came out against the Occupy Wall Street people and said they're a bunch of free loaders. Adam said he had just had an ass load of Occupy Wall Street stuff for 6 months and when the story came up on his show he did like 20 minutes about it. He said that he feels that people should get up and just work. He said that they have a hippie mentality. Howard asked if his parents were hippies. Adam said his mother was kind of like that. He said that she would lock herself in her room and check her bio-rhythm wheel. He said that he went the opposite way of his parents. Adam said he'll ask his father what he would do in a real estate deal and he does the opposite of what he says.
Howard asked Adam what he thinks these people are all about. Adam said that he sees that there are people who are trying to get things to change but then there are the hippies who just want to get laid.
Howard said that Adam must have been an angry man growing up. Adam said he said to his mom that she should just get a job. He said that she told him that if she got a job she'd lose her welfare. Adam said that's the mentality he grew up with. Adam said that this is all in his book ''Not Taco Bell Material.'' Howard asked if he's excited about this book coming out. Adam said he's really not. He said he'd rather just go home. Howard said he was excited when his book came out. He said that he liked going out and signing copies. Adam said it is satisfying to see the completed book. Howard said he must think about how he sat at home with government cheese and now he's got his own book out.
Howard asked Adam if he has a story in his book about a guy calling him in a hotel and getting the wrong room. Adam said he had the wrong room himself. He said he was slumming it and they went from party to party and lounged out. He said this was like when he was 19 years old. Howard said he never thought Adam was a tough guy but he's a boxer. Adam said he's really not a tough guy. Adam said he was 19 and doing construction labor. He said he had nothing going on in his life. He said he was in Palm Springs and went into someone's room. He said the phone rang and back in the day you'd just pick it up. He said he's not sure why but he picked it up.
Howard said the guy had yelled at him for stealing his girlfriend. Adam said he told him to put Sheila on the phone and he didn't know who that was. Adam said he may have just wanted to fuck with the guy. Adam said the guy threatened to come down and kick his ass so he told him to come on down. He ended up kicking two guy's asses.
Adam said the guys were just regular goons. He said that they weren't dwarves or anything like that. Adam said he had nothing to lose. He said he had been sparring in the ring so he knew what he was going to do. Adam said the guys called him outside and that's where he fought them. Howard asked if they charged him or what. Adam said it was one on one. He said it was him and this main guy. His friend was going to stand there and hold his jacket or something. He said the friend stood back a few feet and the guy came at him. He said his friend was yelling at him like the Karate Kid saying ''Sweep the leg!''
Adam said if you fight someone who doesn't have any experience fighting then it's pretty easy. He said these days it's not so easy. He said today a fetus knows MMA. Adam said if you're a fighter then you have moves with your bad arm. He told Howard what he has to do with a street fight. He said you don't worry about the front hand. You see the back hand coming a mile away. He said he just popped this guy in the face and he dropped. Then the friend did the same thing and he popped him in the face and that guy dropped too.
Howard said these guys go down after one punch. Adam said they both popped up and he told them to get some ice on that and they went away. Howard said they weren't looking for the girl after that. Howard asked Adam if he got out of that room after that. Adam said he had to go find his friends and tell them the story.
Howard asked Adam if it's a great feeling when it goes his way like that. Adam said that it is pretty good. He said he has been in other fights. He said he left a party once and this girl told some guys that he had hit her even though he didn't. Adam said he told them she was nuts. Adam said that they threatened to hit him and he said he didn't want any trouble. He said that makes you a pussy to them. Adam said he'd just had surgery on his knee and he told them that. He said the guy said he was going to break his other knee so he was willing to fight. He said he beat the guy up and then he felt a bottle breaking on his shoulder. He said it didn't do anything. Then he felt a baseball bat on his other knee. He said that he hit behind the knee and then all of them jumped on him. He said he should have seen that coming. Adam said about 5 years later the guy who he fought moved into his apartment building. He said that guy didn't fuck with him again after that.
Howard said Adam was complaining about David Letterman complaining about not having any money. Adam said he'll make a comment about a Ferrari being a little too rich for his blood and you know that's just not the case. Howard said he knows that feeling. He said that he doesn't want to flaunt it. Adam said he's been on the air for 35 years making millions. He said it's okay to have money.
Howard said he thinks Adam is a little bit off on his movie career. He said Adam complains a lot about Adam Sandler making movies and how they won't let him make movies. Adam said he understands what Adam Sandler does. Howard said it doesn't seem that way. Howard said Adam has said that they won't let him make movies. Adam said he's not whining. He said it might sound that way but he's not. Adam said he made a movie called ''The Hammer'' and people want him to make another one. He doesn't have a million bucks to throw away though. He said what he's complaining about is the people who tell him to just go and make another movie when he can't just go and make one.
Howard said one of the things he didn't know about Adam is that in his 20s he dated a stripper. Howard said he says that it wasn't so great. Adam said it's because of the hours. He said she would get out of her job at like 2:30 in the morning. He said that would be like coming home at noon for Howard. Adam said he had to be out of the house at 6:30 in the morning so they didn't have a big window there.
Howard said he figures that a stripper must be good in bed. Adam said physically they're in great shape. He said they have a lot of daddy issues though. Howard asked what ruined the relationship. Adam said this girl was from England and he wasn't in any shape in his 20s. He said he was just a douche. He said he had no business getting married or having relationships at all. Adam said she hated her dad and he hated his mom so it was a great relationship. Adam said he didn't really hate his mom though. He said his mom didn't really know him very well. He said his mom was more depressed than just a hippie. Adam said his mom would take her depression out on the system instead of just saying she was depressed.
Howard said that Glenn Beck called Adam his hero. Howard asked what he did that made him his hero. Adam said that it must have been the Occupy Wall Street stuff. He said that people would ask him if that made him nervous.
Howard got back to the stripper and asked why they broke up. Adam said that it was sort of like someone asking if you want Belgian Waffles with Whipped Cream every morning. He said it sounds really good so you say yes. He said after a month of eating the same thing you want something else. He said you want an egg once in a while. Adam said he used to go to the club and it wasn't a fancy club like they have now. He said she was barely topless there.
Adam said he met her at a bachelor party. Adam said that they tried to turn it into a hazing kind of thing and it's just not the right thing to do when you have a bachelor party. He said that all they want to see is titties. He said they were out seeing a bunch of dudes dancing aroudn as chicks first. Then he took them all out to Star Garden and at the end of the night his car wasn't there so he asked for a ride from this stripper. Howard said they'd usually say no. Adam said he went out and drank with her until 4 in the morning. He said that she had a bit of an education so it was kind of different. He said a lot of the strippers didn't even speak English.
Howard gave Adam a plug for his book ''Not Taco Bell Material'' and asked what the meaning of the title is. Adam said he put in an application at Taco Bell and they told him he wasn't Taco Bell material. Howard said there must be no hope at that time. Adam said it did cross his mind. He said you can't sink much lower than that.
Howard asked what he did when they turned him down. Adam said the place was right next to his house and he thought it would be an easy gig. He said he got an application and filled it out. He said he may have put his address in the wrong place or something. Howard said he can't imagine being turned down for that job. He said that's crazy.
Howard asked if he ever went back to that guy and told him he has a Podcast. Adam said the good thing is that he guy probably worked there for a month and left.
Howard gave Adam some more plugs for his book and said he'll be signing copies at the Barnes and Noble in Manhattan. He's also doing a Podcast from Caroline's this week. You can find out more at AdamCarolla.com
Howard asked Adam about his constant ''Get it on'' tweets. Adam said it's just a saying he has. He said it's not constant.
Howard asked Adam about his relationship with Jimmy Kimmel. Adam said Jimmy just bought his kids a bouncy castle. Howard said Jimmy is very thoughtful with gifts. Adam said he loves that thing so much that he put it in his swimming pool so they can bounce in it while it's floating.
Howard said he read something kind of gross. He said that Jimmy and Adam shared a room once when they were working together. Adam said they were working for KROQ in Los Angeles. He said they were supposed to be in Seattle covering a game. He said they were way the fuck outside of Seattle. He said Jimmy went to take a shower in the morning. Adam said he was going to go after him. He said the tub doesn't drain because they were in a flea bag motel. He said that all of the shit that washed off of Jimmy was in the tub and he had to climb into that and take a shower. Adam said about 2 minutes in he heard Jimmy tap on the door. Then Jimmy yells out that he beat off in there. He said he was looking for the Jimmy Jizzberg. He said that he has no idea if he was joking or not to this day.
Howard said that Adam talks about radio station refrigerators in his book. Howard said he remembers his mom coming up to K-Rock asking why they can't even paint the walls in the radio station. Adam said no matter where you work it's going to be a shitty refrigerator. He said people would have notes on their food. He said he saw a Chef Boyardee can in the refrigerator and it had one piece of pasta in it with a wet nap on top of it. He said these are grown adults doing this stuff.
Adam said he warned his agent that this wasn't going to be like TV when he started doing radio. He said that he asked for a can of peanut butter once and the station manager went off on his agent like he was some kind of prima Donna.
Howard said Adam doesn't like Rodney Dangerfield. Howard said he loved the guy but Adam hated him. Howard said Rodney called him after he did the Tonight Show for the second time. Howard said Rodney called him at home and told him that he thought he was brilliant. Howard said that was great that he took time out of the day to do that. Adam said he thinks that people have dick mode and over the top nice mode. He said that it's like a switch they have. Adam said Rodney did Love Line on MTV and he walked in to say hi to him in his dressing room. He said he walked in and Rodney was probably stoned. He said he was in his bath robe and asked who he was. Adam said he just wanted to say hi but Rodney was acting like a dick. Adam said they plugged the shit out of his movie and they asked him to do some quick bumpers for the show. He said he didn't want to do them because he needed a hair cut. Adam said that it was just a quick thing and he could have done it.
Howard asked Adam if Jimmy gets upset with him all the time. He read about him shitting out a football at a party and chasing away Tom Cruise and his mother from the party. Adam said that he thought it was about time for Tom to leave anyway.
Howard asked Adam about confronting Kelly Osbourne on his show and called her out about how chicks know nothing about the war. Adam said he asked Kelly some questions about war and she didn't know the answers. Adam said she claimed to know a lot about war but he called her out on it and neither of them would let it go.
Howard asked Adam if he's still friendly with Dr. Drew. Adam said they are still close. Howard asked if he's against this show he does. Adam said he's the most sincere guy out there and he's that guy that what you see is what you get. He said he is a whore too though so he'll do just about anything you ask him to do.
Adam said that Dr. Drew's success rate isn't so great with that show. He said that the success rate is about as good as the success rate with any Nic Cage movie in the past 15 years.
Howard said he thinks that the whole car thing is weird. He said Adam and Jay have that car thing going. Adam said he just saw Jay driving around in a Stanley Steamer in Burbank. He said he does drive some crazy stuff. Adam said he thinks it's going to be funny when some kid has to write a report on Jay in 2045 and it'll say that he died in a Steam Car accident. Adam said Jay didn't find that so funny.
Howard said that Jimmy doesn't like Jay. Adam said he only knows people from the way they treat him. He said that you can tell a lot about the celebrity from their assistant and the people who work for them. He said if they're scared shitless then you know they're a prick. He said if you call Jay's shop on a Saturday and ask to come by to check some stuff out the assistant will tell you to come on over. He said that if you're a dick the assistant will put you on hold to ask. He said Jay has only been nice to him. Adam said that's what he bases the whole thing on.
Adam said that Jay is very nice to him and he doesn't know if he's going home and beating the shit out of his wife or anything. He said that he thinks Conan is a pussy and he should shut up about the whole Tonight Show thing. He said he had the show and didn't get the ratings and it didn't work out. Howard said he thinks that Conan needed time to get it to work. Adam said that Conan has made a lot of money over the years and he's doing just fine.
Howard said his favorite story is the Natalie Maines story. He said that Adam went on a date with Natalie Maines to the Grammys. He said Adam's girlfriend at the time was cool with it. Adam said he just did it. He said his agent called and told him that she wanted to take him to the Grammys. Howard said long story short, they go on the date and for the next couple of weeks Adam gets almost stalked by Natalie. Howard said that he gets a bouquet of flowers the next day. Adam said it was a problem because he had a girlfriend. He said he had a good time but he had to go work that night so he went and just left. Adam said he just went and told his girlfriend he was never going to go again. He said they won that night too so it was a big deal.
Adam said that he called Natalie that night and she said that she was in bed watching him on TV. Adam said he thanked her for the roses and told her he has a girlfriend. He said he told her to come do the radio show when she's in town. The next day he got a big cookie and she was saying that they need each other. Adam said that guys have no training for avoiding hot blonde Grammy winners. He said you don't know how to say no if you're a dude. He said that it's not something that's built in. Adam said he called Natalie again after getting the cookie. He said he was punching his penis as he made the call. Then he got a six foot sub and she said she would not be ignored.
Howard said Adam was like ''oh fuck.'' Adam said that Jimmy told him to call her and straighten her out. Adam said he didn't want to do it and he figured she was embarrassed. He got to work the next day and there was some soiled panties there. He said there was a note that said ''We need to fuck. Now!'' in the box. He said he had to go and brag about that when he got them. He said Jimmy told him to call and end this thing. Adam said Jimmy told him to call and lay into her. Adam said he did that and he called her and got her at a Pottery Barn while she was out shopping with her mom.
Adam said he laid it out for her that he had a girlfriend and he can't do anything. She was like ''Huh?'' and had no idea what he was talking about. She told him that she didn't send any cookies. Adam said he went off on her about sending the flowers and she said she didn't know what to say when she didn't actually send them. Adam said it took a little while to realize what was going on. He said it turns out that Jimmy had pranked him and he was standing on his desk video taping him.
Adam said later on he found out that the panties were their receptionists panties. He said it was a simpler time back then.
Gary said Natalie just tweeted out that it was one of the best pranks ever and she loved that story. Howard said he loves Adam and gave him some more plugs for his book and upcoming appearances. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard let Jon go and took a call from a guy who said that Adam Carolla is one of greatest guests ever. Howard said he odes have some great stories to tell. Howard said he likes Adam and Jimmy. He said they're great guys. Howard said that Natalie Maines story was great. He said Adam and Jimmy are great guys and he enjoys his relationship with both of them.
Howard took another call but the guy wasn't there. Howard took another one from a guy who said he had to thank him for a couple of great weeks of shows. Howard said that the Maria Menounos interview is all over the news today.
Howard told Robin it was time for news. Fred played her into it with a song parody about her big boobs. Robin asked Howard how many times he walks his dog every day. Howard said Beth does it more than he does. He said he rarely does it in the city. Howard said people bug the shit out of him and his dog moves really slow. He said when they're at their house he'll take her a couple of times a day. Robin asked if he picks up the poop. Howard said he does and it doesn't bother him at all. He said he has no problem with Bianca's poop. Robin said there are people who don't do it. Howard said it's so rude not to. He said you step in it and it's just awful. Robin said now people are doing DNA testing to find out who the owners are so they can fine them. Howard said that sounds good to him. He said it's common courtesy.
Howard said that Howard TV has an announcement to make now. Doug said that you can go on cable and order shows individually on digital cable. Howard said you can get Fine Time and you can see the Maria Menounos interview too. Howard said there are a bunch of good shows up there. Check out HowardTV.com for more info.
Robin read about the Flying Wallendas family and how they're still doing the tight rope walking. Robin said that Nick Wallenda is going to walk across Niagara Falls. Robin said they're going to show it on prime time TV. Howard said that guy who gets shot out of the canon on AGT could do something like that. Robin said they usually have a no stunts rule at Niagara Falls but the economy has been so bad they're going to allow it. Howard said all the rules go right out the window when the economy is bad. He said that Oprah is doing a Kardashian special on her OWN network. She's doing a show about Whitney Houston's daughter too.
Robin said that they say Chris Brown and Rihanna are getting back together. Howard said he doesn't care anymore. He said she's insane. Howard said these guys never change and they will eventually whack you again. He said it always escalates too. Howard said people never start smoking less. He said a guy who beats you is never going to get better. It's just going to get worse. Robin said there were girls screaming for Chris Brown when he did a show recently. Howard said he must be some good looking dude. Robin said he dances well too. Howard said in his day when a guy danced well you avoided him. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the Prime Minister of Great Britain leaving his 8 year old daughter in a pub. Howard said they were there with a bunch of people and the wife left in a car and the husband left in a car thinking that the other had taken the kid. Robin said that the girl was there for about 15 minutes before they realized she was missing. They went back and found her doing fine though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he hates these people who don't pick up their dog shit. He said there was a dog walking park near him and they had a trash can and you'd see piles of shit within a couple of feet of the can. Howard said he walks his dog on the beach and he sees people walk their dogs and leave shit or cover shit with sand. He said that's even worse than leaving it out. Howard said he wants to smack these people in the head. Howard said they should get a $10,000 fine for leaving shit out.
Robin read a story about the woman who Meryl Streep portrayed in a movie where she claimed her baby was taken by a Dingo. Robin said the coroner has verified that a dingo did kill the baby in 1980. Robin said that the woman went to jail for killing her daughter and she did serve some time in jail over it. Howard said that would be the worst thing. He said he couldn't watch that movie because it would drive him nuts. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about Game of Thrones and how there's a replica of the iron throne available. Howard said he should get one for the studio. Robin said that he watched the full episode of True Blood and it was better than he thought it was initially. Howard said he has a throat problem right now so he's got to stop talking. Robin said this Game of Thrones chair is going to cost $3,000. Howard said if you're a dude and you want that chair, you're never going to get laid. Robin said that show is the most pirated show out there and more people watch it pirated than watch it on HBO.
Robin read about Glenn Beck's latest deal and how he's supposed to be making $20 million a year for 5 years.
Robin read about Mayor Bloomberg's ban on large drinks plan. Robin said that it's going to be brought before the board of health today. Robin had some audio of a couple of people talking about that.
Robin read about a town in Massachusetts that's going to start fining people for cursing in public. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that. Howard said they obviously don't want free speech up there.
Robin read about a school that banned the song ''God Bless the USA'' by Lee Greenwood because they felt it could offend some cultures. Robin went through a couple of other things and then Howard read another live commercial.
Robin read about the Jerry Sandusky case. She had some details about what stories were being told during the testimony from some of the victims. Howard said he's not sure if this guy has a chance with this case. Robin had some audio of some people discussing the case.
Robin read about Robert Kennedy and that got Howard and Fred doing their Kennedy impressions. They did that for a short time.
Robin read a story about Robin Roberts who has Leukemia after having breast cancer. Robin said that they thinks she may have gotten it because of the treatments for breast cancer. Fred was still doing his Robert Kennedy impression during that story.
Robin read about the Nobel Prize and how they're having money problems and trying to make sure that it can continue.
Robin said they say that the federal reserve has lost a lot of money and they're saying that the economy is still very stressed.
Howard said that Dave Grohl tipped $1,000 at a bar. He said he was in Philly on Memorial day weekend and he tipped that money for having just one drink.
Robin said the home of Luke Skywalker in Tunisia has been repaired thanks to a fan. He has spent a couple of years working on the repair of that home. Robin said they went to Tunisia and fans donated nearly $12,000 to help fix the home. Robin said they're going to sell DVDs of a documentary about how it was done.
Robin read about the Apple developers conference that's going on this week. Howard said now they're talking. He said he heard that the new iPhone will be powered by movement. Howard asked Maria Menounos if she heard that. Fred played some ''No-wah'' and ''Yes-ah'' clips from yesterday's interview. Robin read about some of the things they revealed yesterday at the conference. Howard asked if they're doing anything with the iMac. Robin said there's nothing about that. Robin read about some of the upgrades and prices for the products they revealed yesterday. Robin said Siri will be available on the iPad when iOS 6 comes out later this year. Howard said he likes setting his alarm with Siri. Robin said they have stopped offering Google maps on the Apple products. Robin said they have their own mapping system now.
Robin said that the L.A. kings won last night. She said that's what was on in place of AGT last night. Howard said he doesn't care about sports like that. He said there must be something wrong with him. He said he does have a small penis and maybe he has a vagina.
Robin read about how Tokyo is the most expensive place to live. Robin said that Luanda in Angola used to be the most expensive. Robin said they say that it moved up in the rankings after last year's earthquake. Robin went through some more details about that and wrapped up her news. Howard ended the show aroudn 10:20am.
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Jon said that Steve Brandano is a big fan and he's heard Adam go off on the 80s channel on his Podcast. Benjy said he's not sure why he gives that big of a fuck about it. Jon said he can see why he'd get upset if you expect something on the channel and you don't get it.
Jon said that Adam was also talking about the fights he's gotten into. Benjy asked Jon if he's ever been in one. Jon said he got into one at a hockey game. He said this guy gave him a cheap shot and he ended up fighting back. He said it was in the last 10 years that it happened. He said that's hockey though. He said your emotions get the best of you. Jon said that's different than what happens in a street fight.
Benjy said he got into a fight in 9th grade. He said he was challenged to a fight in shop class. He said they met in a field after school and the kids were all cheering. He said he got the kid in a head lock and the kid ended up decking him and that was the end of the fight.
Gary said he got into a fight but it was a long time ago. Richard Christy said he got into a fight at a party about 15 years ago. He said it was his friend that got into it with someone and he was there backing him up. He said he's more of a lover than a fighter though. Richard said he got into MMA for a while and he has grappled with Richie Wilson a few times.
Jon asked Richard about smelling the yeast on Sal. Richard said his cock doesn't always stink. He said he normally has a clean cock. He said it was just that one day that it smelled bad and it was like a year ago. Gary said you can tell Sal was sort of offended by it. Richard said he told Sal that everyone's cock stinks once in a while. Sal said he's very clean and he's fine today. He said it's inevitable that after a bike ride or something that it would stink. He said that Richard never said anything about it that day. Richard said he did too.
Jon said that Fred has never had a problem with yeast. Sal said that he has had issues in the past and he might be mere susceptible to it than Fred is. He said that if you're uncircumcised then the moisture is unavoidable. He said that he has stuffed toilet paper in there to keep it dry. Richard said sometimes paper just starts flying out like he's Rip Taylor or something.
Gary said something about Sal's cock looked weird today. He said it was more unusual looking than it usually is. Sal said his foreskin acts kind of like a curtain. He said it's like wearing tassels on a breast. He said he still has some privacy there.
Sal was talking about the things he tried to cure his problem with Balanitis. He said he did research on his own to figure that out. Gary and Jon tried to talk him into just going to a doctor instead. Sal said that he has a lot of homeopathic cures for things. He was describing the smell of it like a house with a dying dog and a busted furnace. The other guys had never smelled anything like that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Adam is put off by Adam's unibrow. Jon said that some people do find him unlikable. Gary said that Adam is a little stand offish and he doesn't want to be liked by everyone and that's why his comedy works. Gary said that Natalie Maines story was great.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Jon he loves his Fast Food Mania. He asked if the guys there have anyone who knows as much about their penis as Sal and Richard know about each other's. Richard and Sal said they could pick each other's out of a line up. Jon said that they've put their's out there a lot so a lot of people could pick them out.
Jon took a call from a guy who said maybe Sal could deal with his odor problem by not letting anyone smell it. Sal said he was thinking about it and he has stuffed a lot of things in his dick. He said he has put false teeth and microphones and things like that in there. He said these things are dirty. Gary asked if he's really going to blame that on the things he's stuck in there. Sal said that your dick is much more sensitive than a lot of things. He said that he once put wine in his pouch when he was younger. He said he has been putting things in there ever since.
Sal said he's too open about it on the show. He said he's a little careless. Sal said you shouldn't put pennies in your dick. He said he's putting it right in there. Richard said his dick is probably immune to germs because of all of that. He said it might make it better. Jon asked if this means the end of Foreskin Friday. Sal said that's not going away. Sal said that he comes up with ideas during the week and then throws them out to the guys. He said he does this on Twitter where he takes a picture of his foreskin in a special way. Sal said he comes up with different themes every week. He said he's coming to the bottom of the well.
Gary said Thursday is flag day so maybe he could make his penis one of the stars. Sal said he could wrap his penis in a flag. He said he did back off and didn't do anything on Good Friday.
Steve said that sometimes Sal will come up to you and ask for your opinion on something like Gene Forskimmons. Sal said he averages about 45-100 retweets on Friday. He said that a lot of people enjoy it and some are offended. He said that there's nothing gay about what he does though. Jon went to break a short time later.
Benjy asked Gary and Jon if their wives have any guy friends. Jon and Gary said no. Richard said his does but it's High Pitch Mike Morales so he's not too worried.
Gary said that stuff can be difficult to watch when you see your woman with some other dude in an intimate dance.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked who they think would win in a fight between Sal and Doug Goodstein. Everyone said Doug including Sal. the caller asked if Sal could beat anyone. Gary said he'd like to know how JD fights. Shuli said he can answer that. He said they had one of those punching bag games up in Toronto and they all took turns. He said that Ronnie is a very odd puncher. He said JD said that this was the first punch he's thrown in his life. He said his score was the lowest he's ever seen.
Gary said that Sal has taken a lot of punches. Sal said that's for sure. He said he can punch but he just can't fight. Jon said that JD might have that strength when you get worked up. Gary said that's called Retard Strength.
Benjy said he's not sure how he could do. Jon said he thinks that Benjy would have a lot of retard strength. Sal suggested that they get one of those punching bags in there to have a competition. JD said he assumes that he could beat everyone up there. He said George Costanza once said that he would do whatever it takes to win a fight and that's what he would do. He said he would scrap. Benjy asked if he's ever done that. JD said he hasn't. JD has never even been in a fight. He did get punched on the Subway when he lost his iPod though.
Richard said that he'd like to know who Jon Hein could rape. He said that was the greatest game they ever came up with. He said that they wanted Jon to wrestle people into the rape position. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how they had Jimmy Fallon dropping by today. He said he's a very successful talk show host. Howard said David Letterman will also be stopping by. Howard said he likes it there because he can really be himself. Howard said it's a rare occurrence.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that AGT was good last night. Howard said he likes the hour long episodes. He said that he was really tired last night though. He said Beth was falling asleep next to him. He said she was saying she liked what she saw but he's not sure she saw it. Howard said he's not sure that people can find when the show is on. He said it's on at different times. He said he hopes people got to see it.
The caller asked how Howard let Howie let that little guy through. Howard said he did X that guy, Barry, but he spent a lot of time with him on stage. He said the guy is terrible. He said he can't talk about what goes on in Vegas but the guy is horrible. Howard said Howie was really into that guy. He said Howie is genuine in that he really likes some really shitty acts. He said he really liked that worm puppets group. He said he asked Howie later if he really liked it and he did. Robin asked if he really likes it when the audience is booing them. Howard said it's obvious that some of this stuff is terrible but Howie says that he'd go see some of these acts before he'd go to see a singer. Howard said he was really looking for good acts. He said he gave them a chance but they didn't get better.
Robin said the one that Howard didn't let go through was that squirrel woman. Howard said he asked her if she was aware that the squirrel is dripping snot from it's mouth. He said it looked like it wanted to kill itself. He said they had to wipe it off and put it back in the water. He said there was just no way he was going to put it through. He said it was funny that it peed on Nick. He said there's no way he would let that thing on his shoulder.
The caller asked if he could start the day with a game. Howard said he'll just give him a set of tickets to Roger Waters The Wall show. The caller said he doesn't live close. Howard said he doesn't have anything else. the caller said ''Really?'' and Howard told him not to beg. He doesn't have anything to give away. Howard said he gives away the prizes too easily.
Howard said in 1996 Henry was on the phone and he asked if he thought he was going to hell. He said he must be in hell if there is one. Howard said Henry was convinced he wasn't going to hell. Howard played a clip of Henry talking about how he has changed his life. Henry claimed he was done with the crime and he didn't even drink anymore.
Howard played a clip of a drunken Henry Hill talking to Lisa G and she mistakes him asking for a Caramel Macchiato for coming on to him. Howard said Lisa thought he said that he wanted to cum on her shoulder. Howard said that was one of his favorite moments ever. Howard said Lisa had no idea that he was just asking for that drink. Howard said Lisa has never been a war correspondent. That's the closest she's ever come.
Robin said that Henry kind of stalked them out in Las Vegas once. She said that he would go to the same restaurants that they were at and he'd just stare at them.
Howard said he told henry he'd go to hell when he died. He said Henry talked about some of the people he killed when he called the show drunk once. He played that audio clip next. Henry was laughing about burying bodies on a golf course. Howard asked about the details and Henry said that it was on the Rockville Centre Links golf course. Howard said that Ray Liotta had that laugh down perfectly in the movie ''Goodfellas.''
Robin said that Henry was willing to hang out with murderers. He may have claimed that he didn't have anything to do with it but he had no problem hanging out with them.
Howard said he always wondered if anyone still wanted to kill him for being a rat. He said he didn't want to be aroudn the guy if that was the day they decided to get back at the guy.
Howard played more audio of Henry slurring his words while talking to Richie Wilson. He had been kicked out of Del Fresco's that day according to Howard. Howard asked Robin if she's ever been that drunk in her life. Robin said she never has. Howard said he may have been but he was unconscious.
Howard said Henry still got women even in that condition. He said that must be insulting to women. He played more audio where his girlfriend was trying to get him to put a coat on.
Howard had this guy Pauly on the phone. He used to call in when Henry was on the phone and he'd go off on him every time. Howard asked if he was happy today. Pauly said the news did kind of put a smile on his face last night. Pauly said he hated Henry because he was a rat and a stool pigeon. He said he never killed anybody. He said he was just a gopher and a delivery boy.
Howard asked if he thinks he embellished on the truth and made himself out to be more in the mob than he was. Pauly said that's exactly it. Howard asked if he thinks he was in on the Lufthansa heist. Pauly said he could have made a few bucks on it but he wasn't actually there doing anything. He said that the other guys had money and Henry was around the money and they spread the wealth. Howard said he was immortalized in that movie. Pauly said he was.
Howard asked if he had anything positive to say about Henry's life. Pauly said he had to think for a second and then quickly said ''no.'' Howard said that Henry would ask him to hang up on Pauly every time he called in. Pauly said he was afraid to hear the truth. He said he knew that crew and hung out with them so he knew what Henry was about. He said he might be the only one left who did.
Howard said Pauly wanted to fight Henry but he was afraid to do anything like that. Pauly said Henry didn't show up the day he was there in the studio. Howard thanked Pauly for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what was up with his pants on AGT last night. Howard said it did look like he had a load in his pants. He said he likes his John Varvatos jeans but he thinks that they have to tailor them. He said that jeans never really fit him and he thinks that they have to get them tailored. He said he saw that too and his ass looked really bad. The caller said it looked like he had something wrapped aroudn him. Howard said he's had those jeans tailored twice already. He said he tried on a pair that were smaller and tighter but they made his hips look big. He said he has to get the guy to look over his jeans.
The caller asked Howard if she could get a radio show there. She said she wants to do a show there and isn't even looking for money. Howard said he doesn't even know who she is or what the ''Red Gypsy'' is. She said she's a tarot reader and she does a lot of the stuff that Howard mocks. She said that's because Howard is a Capricorn. Howard said he's bored already. He said he doesn't believe in any of this stuff.
Howard said that Riley is funny and this woman doesn't have that. She said she has to get her shit together and put a demo tape together. She said that Fred is a Cancer and he's very secretive. Howard cut her off and thanked her for the call. Howard said he gets so bored with that Cancer and Capricorn talk.
Howard got back to henry Hill and said he was always filled with laughter and more laughter. He said he had those awful coughs too. He played clips of the laughs and coughs. Robin said it was pretty amazing that he was alive as long as he was. Robin asked what killed him. Howard said TMZ was saying that the girlfriend told them that it was the cigarettes that got him. Howard said he's sure the drinking didn't help.
Howard played a clip of Henry calling in and wishing him a Happy Birthday. He had just gotten out of jail when he did that. Howard played more of Henry drunk out on the street with the Howard TV crew. Howard said that was a lot of fun.
Howard said he told Beth that he's not sure if he can do a second season of the show. He said he's looking forward to the live shows but the schedule is going to be tough. He said he has two more fittings this week for clothes. He said he's trying to lose weight but he's not losing anything. He said he went to dinner last night and didn't eat any bread. He said he ate fish and vegetables and he still weighs the same fucking thing. He said he's cutting back on his meals and he's running and working out and he's still the same weight. Howard said it's really not fair.
Robin said maybe he's losing his ass. Howard said he's not sure how Ralph doesn't see that his ass is baggy in those jeans. He said Ralph is involved with his ass all the time. He said he should look perfect. Howard said maybe he's too busy with Geektime. Howard told Tim to cancel the show so he can focus.
Will Murray came in and said that he had another Geektime story. He said that he asked Ralph to call in about John the Stutterer and he told him that he had to concentrate on Geektime. Howard said it's really annoying when he's like that. Will said he asked him to call in on the show and contribute to the show that makes the Geektime show possible. Howard said Ralph is so dopey.
The caller said that Geektime is bringing in those subscribers. Howard said that everyone aroudn there has to wake up. He said they have to stop thinking it's them making these channels what they are.
Howard said he did a lot of X hitting on AGT last night. Robin said she thought the heavy set man who sang the love song was someone that she didn't think Howard would put through. Howard said he may have done that. Howard said sometimes they don't show him X'ing these people. Howard said he doesn't think that he put that big guy through. He said sometimes he gets confused.
Robin said that gymnast girl was really good. Howard said he loved her. Robin said she seemed so wholesome and she was just great. Howard said he told her that she was what America should be all about. He said that she should keep watching to see what happens.
Howard said that he should take a break here and talk about the impressions contest they have going on. He said he has to play more Wolfie at Comic-Con too. Robin said she is totally into hearing about that after seeing the movie about people who go to Comic-Con. Howard said he has to talk about some other things. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said someone sent him an email from DirecTV and they said that AGT had Howie Mandel, Sharon Osbourne and Nick Canon. Howard said he's not sure if they don't want to advertise him at DirecTV or what. Howard said he is thrilled with the show and they are number one though.
Howard took another call from a guy who said Cablevision doesn't put Howard's name in the directory either. Howard said that's weird. He said he's not sure what that means. He said people are weird with him.
The caller asked what the interest is with this Tim Poe guy. He said the guy was there to sing and it had nothing to do with that story. Robin said he wasn't that good a singer so he wasn't going through without that story. Howard said he based his vote on his singing. Robin said his singing was weak. Howard didn't think so.
Howard said Big Foot is doing a movie. He said the word movie is kind of vague. Howard said that Richard and Sal are going to be in some movies but no one is ever going to see them. Howard said they must make thousands of movies a day. He said these film makers must think they're going to get noticed by him mentioning them on the show. Howard said the movies never get seen by anyone though. Howard said even some of the legitimate films put someone from the show and put them in it trying to get some attention. He said it's kind of crazy.
Howard said John Stamos just called Ronnie to be in a movie and Ronnie said he didn't have to whiten his teeth like Sal did. Gary said that Jackie has done movies and he always gets one of his songs in the movie. He has also gotten his Joke Man stickers stuck on the walls of a bathroom in movie scenes. Howard said he tries to tell these guys that they're out of their minds but they don't listen. Howard said Sal got his teeth done for the movies he's doing. He spent 6 grand doing that.
Gary said the movie that Sal is in is the same movie Big Foot is in. Howard said he heard that Ronnie is shooting his scene on Monday. Benjy has been approached for that movie too. Benjy said he really doesn't know anything about the movie. He said he was told he might be in the movie and Elisa might write him something. Howard asked if she's the writer of the movie. Benjy said he doesn't know. Howard asked Benjy if he's for real.
Howard said he was told that Benjy and Elisa were going to be in this movie with John Stamos. Howard asked Ronnie if Benjy is in this movie or not. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He just knows that he's in it as a host at a strip club. Howard said if it's Stamos then it must be something. Ronnie said it's Stamos, Michael Rappaport and some other guy from Mad TV. He said he thought he was being pranked but it turns out it's legit. He said he's doing that on Monday afternoon.
Howard said someone wrote to him that Elisa told them that Benjy is going to be in it too. Howard said he doesn't know. Benjy is a ball of confusion. Howard said Ronnie is going to be on Inside the Actors Studio. He played the bit where they took audio of Ronnie and put it in an Inside the Actors Studio clip.
Howard said Big Foot is in that movie and he had some audio of him reading his lines. Howard played a few of those lines and then played some of Jon Leiberman talking to Big Foot about his scabies infestation and the Silverfish bites he has on him. Big Foot was showing Jon the bites all over him. He claims that he's not contagious at this point.
Howard said his point is that everyone is in a movie and all of the movies are awful. Robin said there was a time when Beetlejuice was doing a lot of movies. Robin said that Jackie ended up in a movie with Miss Black Howard Stern. Robin said when you hear that they're casting the Wack Pack you'd think that they'd say ''no thank you.'' Howard said that's what you'd think. Robin said if Jackie plastered the walls with his stickers and wore his t-shirts then he must not have gotten paid very well.
Howard played a clip of Jackie in one of those awful films. Jackie was playing himself of course. He did he buzzer hand shake thing with a senator in this scene. Howard said the acting is so good he forgot that he was in a movie. Howard let that play through and said he'd tell Jackie that he got his balls busted over getting paid and then he'd go out and do these awful films. Howard said he was paying the guy pretty good money. Jackie wanted those free t-shirt mentions though.
Howard played more of the clip and did his impression of Jackie's acting. Fred did some of his impression too. Howard and Robin talked about how they've never seen this movie anywhere. Howard said that's his point. They think they're in a real movie but it's not a real movie. Howard said these guys will show up to do anything. Robin said she gets why Sal and Richard do it. She said it is pathetic but that's what they do. Howard said it's a huge waste of time. Howard said he likes that Benjy is angling to get into the movie. He said he just read that he's going to be in the Stamos movie. Howard said he's wondering if Stamos is in trouble. He's worried about that whole thing. He said that Michael Rappaport and Stamos are legitimate guys.
Howard asked Benjy how his song is doing. Benjy asked what he means by that. Howard said he knows he was invited to his show tonight. Robin said if you say ''Mr. Popsicle'' you can get in for free. Howard said if you say that then people will get in for free. Benjy said that's what he wants. Howard said he had some audio of Benjy isolated singing his song. He played some of the finished song with Benjy and Elisa singing their ''Haters'' song and then played Benjy isolated. It was basically just Benjy talking. Then he played a clip of Benjy howling. Benjy said he can sing that song. He said he'll be singing tonight. He said they found this producer who wants to work with them and he's a big name producer. Howard said he'll be big with black people. He said that's where his audience is.
Howard thanked Benjy and said that was fascinating. He said that David Letterman will be in after the break and he hasn't been there in a while. Howard said Dave won't be uptight today. He asked Dave if he's going to be uptight and Evil Dave said he won't be. They went to break after that.
Dave told Howard that he heard Drew Barrymore just got married so he'll have to get his car collection out of her vagina. He said he is a collector after all. Howard said Jay carries on with the cars all the time too. Dave said that he misses having sex with young college interns. He asked for some young women to meet him in Central Park today.
Howard said Dave used to have sex with people he worked with but now he has to play it on the straight and narrow. Dave said he has to run from Mayor Bloomberg now because he's trying to stick a straw up his ass. Dave also joked about Sal's teeth. Dave said he can't believe that Howard made up with Kathie Lee. He asked if the next thing will be him giving Jay Leno a blow job.
Dave and Howard talked about John Travolta. Dave said he'd like to be on America's Got Talent. He said he could wrap Howie Mandel's balls in tin foil and hum a Lady Gaga song.
Howard said Dave is on CBS TV at 11:35 at night. Howard said he has been on the show many times and he always enjoys himself. Dave said what sucks is that he has 48,000 rubbers left after buying them at Costco. He said he never thought he'd be caught cheating. Howard said now he's stuck with all of those rubbers. He could sell them on eBay.
Dave said he wants to vote for Obama but he's afraid that it will look like he has a fetish. Howard said he might vote for Romney then. Dave said he's going to call Jenny McCarthy's kid if she wants. He said he needs a hobby now that he can't cheat. Dave said he's willing to ''Ski-pipe'' with her kid. Howard said that's ''Skype'' but if he wants to ski pipe he can do that too.
Dave said that AGT is one big production. He asked if there are some really plain looking girls on the staff. Howard said Dave likes the brainy, plain looking girls. Dave said that's right. He said sometimes when all of the X's go off on AGT they should finger Sharon. Howard said he might be up on charges if he did that. Howard said this is very edgy material.
Howard asked Dave why he's not beating Jay Leno in the ratings. Dave said he's not sure. He asked what Sal did to his teeth because it looks like he has a toilet seat in his mouth. Dave asked if Robin could sell him her growth. Robin said she thinks that they cut it up and made it into slides. She said maybe she'll sell him one of those.
Dave said he thinks he could be on AGT. He said he once stuck 136 chopsticks in his ass. Howard said he'd fit right in. Robin asked if he saw the squirrel water skiing last night. Dave said he didn't see that. Howard said he thinks that they did the right thing by not putting that act through.
Dave asked what JD does at the block party shows. He asked if he just stands there getting fatter. Howard said that's a good question. He said that Dave seems to know every detail of the show. Dave said he does listen all the time. Dave said he thinks that Howie Mandel's head is so round and smooth that he could fit it in his ass with no problem at all. Dave asked if the studio has been disinfected since George Takei was there. He doesn't want to catch ''gay Asian.''
Howard asked if Dave would have Jerry Sandusky on his show. Dave said it depends on what his agent would say. Howard said he doesn't think he has an agent. Howard said he may have a lawyer. Howard asked Dave to say hi to Paul for them. Dave said he'll do that. Dave said that Obama gets him hard like a white teenager. Howard said Dave is very edgy on this show.
Howard said that Dave could get edgy like this on his show. Dave said he always gets hungry when he watches Jon Hein's Fast Food Mania but only from watching Jon's crotch, not from the food.
Dave said the more he hears Rihanna talk the more sympathy he has for Chris Brown. Howard asked Dave what time he gets to the studio to work. Dave said he gets there aroudn 10 and then he naps. He said then they do the writing and get things taken care of. Howard thanked Dave for coming in and wished him luck ''ski piping.'' Howard said it was good talking to him.
Howard said he had a question for him on the phone. The caller told him to keep Dave on script. He said he keeps fucking up. Howard said this is all ad libbed with Dave. The caller told him to stay on script. The caller asked where Dave has been. Howard said that certain people are letting him come in today. Dave asked where his fuck room was and then said that kid Will has some ass on him. Howard thanked him again for coming in and let him go.
Howard got back to Dave for a few seconds and asked if he had any more words. Dave asked Robin to be his tenderoni. Howard said Dave knows every reference on the show. Howard said for anyone who thought that was the real Dave, it was not. Howard said it's an illusion. He said he's not sure how many people know that.
Howard had a guy who did a Morgan Freeman impression next. That guy had material about high Pitch Eric. Howard said he was George Campbell.
Howard said they got a lot of Bill Clinton and this was Anthony LoGatto doing his impression. He played that clip.
George Campbell does an Obama impression too. Howard played that one and he did a pretty good job with that one. Robin said that was good. Howard said he did Morgan Freeman and Obama.
Howard played a clip of a woman doing a Fran Drescher impression. Howard played a guy, Jason, doing an impression of Norm MacDonald. Howard and Robin liked that one too.
Howard had a guy, Jeff, doing a Rush Limbaugh impression. Howard said that was pretty good. Robin said it was just okay. She said she's faulting him for his material.
Howard played a clip of a Miles doing a Jesse Ventura impression. Howard laughed when he heard that one. He said it's a little weak.
Howard had a clip of Rachel Butera doing a Rosie O'Donnell impression. Howard and Robin laughed when they heard that one. She had some good material about what she'd do to Beth if she had her in bed. Howard said Rachel does a bunch of impressions. He had one of her doing Wanda Sykes. Howard and Robin were laughing at that one too. Howard said that impression is good. Howard said she does Cyndi Lauper too. Howard played that one next. It sounded a lot like Cyndi Lauper. Howard said she's really terrific.
Howard said that someone does a Stallone. Howard said he has a Charlie Sheen and a Maya Angelou. He said he has to hear that one. Howard played that but it wasn't all that great. Howard said they have a lot of entries and they're going through them all.
Howard had a clip of a guy doing a Charlie Sheen impression. He quickly played that and said that some people are better than others. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he loves those guys in ZZ Top. Howard said he remembers seeing one of their albums for the first time and it looked cheap to him. He said the cover was a cactus and it looked stupid. He wouldn't even give them a chance. He was judging them by the cover of the album. He said he did the same with the band Cream. He said they turned out to be amazing.
Howard said Jimmy Fallon will be in there soon. He said he saw something great on the web and it was a link to his Saturday Night Live audition tape. He said maybe the guys can put a link up on HowardStern.com Howard said it was just Jimmy in a room with a few guys laughing at him. Howard said his audition was so incredible. He did about 10-15 impressions and he kept them short so you never got bored. He said he was very relaxed as he did them. Howard said if you want to see how to audition for SNL that's the tape to watch. He said it's fantastic.
Howard said he may have been a little nervous but not much. He said he seemed pretty confident for a young guy. Howard asked if he's there yet.
Howard wondered if Jimmy would like to say hi to Evil Dave. He said he might try that. Howard said that Jimmy is the host of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Howard asked if he wanted to say hi to Dave. Jimmy said no. He was kidding. Howard said Dave is in Chicago. Dave said it was nice to be talking to one of the twins again. He said he calls Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon the Twins.
Howard asked Jimmy if Dave is his enemy. Jimmy said he's been on Dave's show a bunch of times. He said they are friends.
Dave said that he'd like to give Jay Leno a hoodie and have him throw around George Zimmerman's neighborhood. Howard thanked him for saying hello and let him go again.
Howard asked Jimmy about his audition tape and how that got out. Jimmy said that they had it on a DVD extras thing. He said that's how it got out. Howard said Jimmy was really good in that audition and he kept his impressions short. Jimmy said he had a comedy act where he'd tell people who he was going to do. He said in that audition he didn't tell them who he was doing. Howard said that's what was so great about it.
Howard said he thought Jimmy looked kind of chiseled back then. Jimmy said he wasn't as doughy back then. He said he's not sure what happened. He said maybe that will keep him younger looking. Howard said he looked like a model type back then. Howard said he's not fat but he has gained a few. Jimmy said he has. He said that if he had to look up to some body he'd look at Mick Jagger. Howard said he's the same way.
Robin said the muscle guys are all saggy when they get older. Howard said he is starving himself to lose weight and he can't lose a pound. He said he's not eating anything. He said he was so tire yesterday and he ran around like a lunatic. Jimmy said he downloads apps to help him run. Jimmy said he just has the app and he doesn't run.
Jimmy said he used to have a treadmill and a rowing machine. He used to listen to Howard's show while he was rowing on the rowing machine. He said they both were useless. He said he thought that he'd get some exercise but he ended up making noise and he had neighbors complaining about the noise. He said it was a constant pounding. Jimmy said his aunt had a neighbor who had to chop up his pills in the morning and that was like her alarm clock.
Howard asked Jimmy if he's cutting back on his calories. Jimmy said he's not sure what to do. He said he eats pretty well. He said he had some oatmeal this morning for breakfast. Jimmy said he's not usually up this early. He said last night he had a Philly cheese steak last night. He said he was on QVC last night. He said he wanted to see what it was about and he's trying to sell this record (Blow Your Pants Off). He said that he's giving everyone a cut already. He said that NBC is getting more than he is.
Howard said he knows that Jimmy likes to put his stuff out there for the fans. Jimmy said they do but they can only leave it up for 2 months because of a writer's guild thing.
Howard asked Jimmy if he thought that he was rude to Mick Taylor when he was on his show. Jimmy said he didn't think so at all. He said that Mick apologized to him for talking too much himself.
Howard said he and jimmy sang a song with Mick that night but it didn't get on the air. Jimmy said that Howard is a judge of singing so he didn't want to air it. He said he didn't want that to be Howard's debut. Howard said he thought it was a fun moment. Jimmy said he was trying to protect Howard. Howard said he doesn't protect anyone so he doesn't know that that's like. Jimmy said he tries to protect his guests as much as he can.
Howard asked jimmy who he is friends with in the late night group. He said he knows he's friendly with Jay Leno. He said Conan is a close friend, right? Jimmy said they were never close. He said he's friendly with him but they're not friends. He said that he's not upset that he took his time slot or anything. Jimmy said he really isn't close with any of the hosts. Howard said he has tried to hang out with Jimmy but he doesn't appear to want anything to do with him. Howard said he ran into Jimmy in Los Angeles and he ate with him. He said he was with his wife and Jimmy quickly got up and left. He said Lorne Michaels and a power table showed up. Jimmy said that Beckham showed up so he had to go talk to him. Howard said they were sitting by a pool and he had a leather jacket and a ski cap on. Howard said he didn't know who he was at first. He said he wanted so much attention that he was wearing a leather jacket by the pool. Jimmy said he could never pull that off himself. He said Howard would make so much fun of him if he did that.
Howard said Jimmy was at the Drew Barrymore wedding. Jimmy said it was gorgeous. He said they had a lot of people there. Howard asked who was there and how much fun it was. Jimmy said that Cameron Diaz was there. He said she's very pretty in person. He said she's friends with his wife. Howard said Jimmy's wife is a producer. Jimmy said she's partners with Drew. Howard said he doesn't think this relationship is going to last with Drew and her new husband. Jimmy disagreed. He said that her track record isn't very good but he thinks this one will work. Jimmy said he gets very emotional at weddings. He said he was filling up crying while Cameron Diaz isn't. Howard said no one cries at a Drew Barrymore wedding. He said not even her parents cried.
Howard asked what Jimmy got her as a gift. Jimmy said he didn't give her anything. Howard said that's fucked up. Jimmy said he'd have to ask his wife. He said maybe they did give her something. Jimmy said he had to travel to go to the wedding. He said that it was a destination wedding. He said he doesn't want a gift back if they divorce the week after. He said he'd want that time back. Jimmy said he thinks there's a window for giving a gift. Howard said that's true. It's one year. Jimmy said he'll work on something. Then he remembered he got her a painting. He said it was a painting of her and her husband.
Jimmy mentioned that Drew is pregnant and Howard wasn't sure if that was news or not. Jimmy said he thinks that everyone knows that. Howard said it would be funny if Drew had a hall of husbands in her house with all of the gifts she got for each of her weddings.
Howard asked Jimmy about the food at the wedding. Jimmy said they had fried chicken and then steak. He said that he ate too much and they kept bringing food like at a Brazilian restaurant. Howard said it's like Game of Thrones. Jimmy said he had to drop out of watching the show. He said it's just too much for him. He said things got too crazy on the show.
Howard asked Jimmy about the wedding and who he sat with. Jimmy said he was at Drew's table with Drew and Will. He said his wife Nancy was there and said something about Drew. Jimmy said he tried to write a joke for his wife but it didn't work. He said that it wasn't even that funny. It was about them wanting to stay at their summer home now that they're family.
Jimmy said that Scarlett Johansson was there. Howard asked if she had a nice titty dress on. Jimmy said he doesn't know what he's talking about. He said she was wearing a gown. Howard asked if Drew wore white. Jimmy said she did. Howard said he's happy for her he guesses. Jimmy said it was good. He said they had the wedding at her home. Howard asked if Drew's mom was there. Jimmy said he didn't see her there. Howard said that's too bad.
Jimmy said he went out to lunch in Montecito while his wife was doing her thing. He said he went to a restaurant and ordered his food. He said he called the guy ''buddy'' and then asked what his name was. He said it was Josh. He said he saw that this white bean salad had mayo on it. He said he didn't want that. He said he asked if there was mayo in the salad. He said that the chef told him that it was red wine and some other things and the rest was a surprise. Jimmy said the guy disappeared again and then came back. He said he just wanted to get the pizza and get out of there. He said the guy brought him a glass of wine on the house. Then he got the pizza and the manager comes over. He said that he asked if everything was okay. Jimmy said he didn't want to get anyone fired. He said he told the guy that Josh is great and the manager says ''He's married.'' Jimmy said that the manager thought he was hitting on him. Jimmy said that he might have a bit of a gay vibe. Howard said he got that vibe off of him. Howard asked Jimmy if he even uses foul language. Jimmy said he does at times. He said he doesn't do it a lot.
Howard said that Jimmy played guitar in his audition for SNL. Howard said that he's very good with that and he keeps it brief. Howard said he makes it seem like he's coming up with it off the top of his head. Jimmy did some of his Adam Sandler impression and Howard said the funny thing is that he almost came on the show today. He said that he heard that he almost came in but they have a weird relationship. He said he was hoping to get past all of that. Jimmy told Howard that he's the nicest guy in the world.
Jimmy told Howard how he met Adam Sandler on the phone for the first time. He said Adam was asking if he was going to do the impression of him on the show. He said that he did it for him and Adam told him to go for it. Howard asked if he would have still done the impression if Adam had said no. Jimmy said he thinks he would have. He said he did that impression and Seinfeld in the audition. Howard said his Seinfeld was spot on. Jimmy said he had Jerry on SNL and he did his impression and Jerry did an impression of himself that went along with it. Jimmy said he was doing a bit about beach pants and Jerry got in on it going back and forth doing the bit. Howard said Jimmy is great with that Seinfeld impression.
Howard said if Jimmy did a half hour of Seinfeld on stage he would want to see it. He said he could be like a Human Hologram. He said he just wants more when Jimmy does that impression. Jimmy said it might get annoying after a little while.
Howard said Lorne Michaels must have loved his audition and hired him on the spot. Jimmy said it took two months for them to get back to him. He said that he wasn't sure if they liked him or not. Jimmy said he flopped in one audition he had done before. He said they were looking for a Tracy Morgan at the time so he figured he was out.
Howard said that's amazing because that audition was amazing. He said he would have hired him on the spot. Jimmy said that they tell him that they knew that he nailed it but he didn't know it himself. Howard said he's not sure they used his impressions enough on the show. Jimmy said he would do his impressions once and that was it.
Howard asked Jimmy about doing the Neil Young impression on his show and how he covered the Fresh Prince song. Jimmy said that he had to get clearance from both of them to do that. He said that the song is on this new album.
Gary said he was reading a story about Jimmy in Rolling Stone and his parents were over protective. Jimmy said they were pretty over protective. He said that he and his sister didn't have friends. He said they just hung out in their backyard. Howard said that must be why Jimmy wants to do so much now. Jimmy said he loves to read Outside magazine because he's so fascinated with the stuff they do in that magazine.
Howard said he got an offer to fly to Paris on a private jet but all he wants to do is hang out at home. Jimmy said he's the same way. He said he has a routine and he just wants to be home. He said it's too much work to go out on a trip and learn to re-live. Howard said Robin would be on that jet in a second. Robin said of course she would. Jimmy said he would rather sit and stare at a wall and think about how fantastic that is.
Howard said he has a coach coming to his house to teach him how to organize. He said that he has this person booked for the whole day. Jimmy said he wanted to get a closet organizer to come in but she was booked for the whole day. Jimmy said he doesn't want to bother anyone.
Howard asked Jimmy how he learned to do all of the impressions. Jimmy said he watched TV and listened to radio. He said that's all he did at home in Saugerties, New York.
Howard asked Jimmy if he has ever written a serious song. Jimmy said he's not a poet so he won't do that. He said he can't write like that. He said he just does imitations. He said he would do Roy Orbison and guys like that. He said that he used to be able to do him but maybe not today.
Howard asked Jimmy what impression he's never done for the public. Jimmy said his best one is probably Neil Young but he can't do that Roy Orbison today. He said he'd have to be drunk. Howard said this show he's on is the best venue for Jimmy. He gets to do his thing and he doesn't have to share time. Jimmy said it's fantastic.
Howard told Jimmy not to do the Tonight Show. He said that's the death knell. Howard asked if he's friends with Craig Ferguson. Jimmy said he is. Howard said he should be at war with these guys.
Jimmy said that Kimmel is a really funny guy. He said they asked him to present at the Emmy's with Kimmel and they wrote a bit together. He said they saw what was coming up and they had spelled his name ''Faffon'' on the list of people who were presenting.
Howard said that's great that Jimmy can be friendly with guys like that. Howard said Kimmel sent him a picture of his girlfriend on the toilet the other night. He said that Molly sent him a note later saying that she was going to chop him up and dump him in the ocean for doing that.
Howard said it's crazy that the late night hosts can get along together. Howard asked if he cares about his ratings. Jimmy said he doesn't care. He said that they don't worry about that stuff.
Howard asked Jimmy if he thought Obama was fun to interview. Jimmy said he thought it was great. He said that Obama did slow jam the news with him. Jimmy said that Obama wanted to meet him when he got to the venue they were at. Jimmy said they were down in South Carolina when they did the interview.
Howard asked Jimmy about who told him that Obama wanted to meet him. Jimmy said it was like 10 people. Jimmy said that he had one of those signs printed out with Obama's name on it like he was a limo driver waiting for him. He said he didn't know what was going to happen when he met him. He said he did the joke and introduced himself as Marcus his escort for the night. He said Obama knew his wife's name and she was mesmerized meeting him. He said the guy is very Presidential and he just wanted to rehearse the sketch. He knew the sketch and just wanted to do the slow jam rehearsal. He said they did that and changed very little. He said at the end they have Brian Williams just say ''Oh yeahhh.'' He said Obama just went ''Oh yeah.'' real quick. He said that he asked for more spice but Obama didn't want to do it. He said in the actual sketch he took the mic and dropped it like Eminem in 8 Mile. He said that he improvised that.
Howard said that Jimmy asked him for advice about interviewing the President. He said that he didn't want to help Jimmy because he wouldn't get anything out of it. He said that he doesn't like it when other people do well. He said that's what his psychiatrist talks to him about. He said that he started writing questions for Jimmy and then he sent them to him. He said that he sent him all of the questions he could come up with. Jimmy said he did use one. He said he asked Obama about running against Mitt Romney and if he knows the guy personally. Jimmy said Obama said they're not friends. Howard said that was a great question. Howard said he could have ignored his questions. Jimmy said it was a good question. Howard said he was honored that he asked him to help.
Howard said Jimmy wants to sell this album he has. He said Paul McCartney is on this album performing ''Scrambled Eggs.'' That's the song he came up with before he came up with the lyrics for ''Yesterday.'' Howard asked how that came about. Jimmy said he was doing his show and he asked Paul if he wanted to do a sketch. Paul didn't want to do that, he just wanted to do a chat. He said Paul didn't want to do the song with him so he sang it to Paul. He said that Paul ended up putting his head on his shoulder and singing it. He said that Paul asked him to do it with him so that's how they ended up doing it. He said he didn't pitch it as a duet but that's what they ended up doing.
Howard asked Jimmy to do some of his Neil Young impression and sing this song that's on his album. Jimmy told Howard how he came up with the idea for the song. Jimmy then broke into the song and played guitar and harmonica when he sang the theme song to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as Neil Young.
Howard asked Jimmy how he prepares for that bit. He asked if that was his first choice for the song. Jimmy said that the writers come up with that and it's an easy song to remember. Howard asked how long it takes to put together. Jimmy said it's a good day or so. He said he had to figure out how Neil would do it.
Howard said that Jimmy has to play the song for the guys on the show. Jimmy said he has a bunch of writers on the show who will tell him if it's not working. He said that they're not afraid to tell him if something isn't right. Howard said Jimmy was doing some impression on the show and he figured he'd have to wait 20 minutes while he changed. Jimmy said he was doing his Bob Dylan impression that night. That led to Jimmy doing his Bob Dylan impression and sang the Charles in Charge theme song as Dylan. He showed Howard how he blows that harmonica as hard as he can when he does blow it. Howard was cracking up during the song. Howard said that was a great observation that Dylan blows that harmonica so hard. He said it's like a Breathalyzer. Howard said Bob Dylan has morphed over the years so you can't understand a word he says. He said that Jimmy does it as the younger Bob Dylan.
Howard asked if he ever has to talk to these guys. Jimmy said he did get to speak to Neil Young when he was on the show. He said that Neil told him that ''Pants on the Ground'' was his biggest hit in 25 years. He said he just whispered it to him.
Jimmy told Howard that they did a bit called Tim Tebowie where he did his David Bowie impression. Howard asked if he can sit back and enjoy music or does he have to learn how to play the stuff he hears. Jimmy said he likes listening and he likes old music and new music too. He said he likes that Gotye song. Howard didn't know that one.
Howard said he heard that Jimmy had to apologize to Michelle Bachman for the song ''Lying Bitch'' that they played as she came out. Jimmy said that he didn't know the name of the song when they did it. He said that he had to apologize to her and now he's in on the picking of the songs that they play when guests come out.
Howard asked Jimmy if he's a tyrant with those guys. Jimmy said he's really not. He said he was just like ''Guys, c'mon.'' Howard asked if he has to fire people. Jimmy said he has had to do that. He said they fire a lot of people. He said he doesn't do it himself. He said that's what they have producers for.
Howard said that he can't fire anyone. He said he would like to fire Fred and Benjy, he just can't do it. He told the guys he was just joking of course.
Howard said that Jimmy has Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Justin Timberlake on the album. He told Jimmy that the Bruce thing was great with the ''Whip My Hair Back and Forth.'' Jimmy said that it was Bruce's idea to dress up like 1970s Bruce. He said that it was amazing and he killed it. Jimmy said that he loved the song and he was willing to do it on the show. Howard asked if he sends the guy a gift or thanks him or what. Jimmy said he had a painting done just like he did for Drew. Jimmy said he was just kidding about that. Jimmy said he didn't send him anything. Howard said he should. Howard said he wouldn't but Jimmy should because he's a nice guy.
Howard said they have Justin Timberlake on the album. Jimmy said that they had to clear a lot of songs for that one. Howard said Jimmy has a new book of Thank You notes out too. That's called ''Thank You Notes 2.''
Howard asked Jimmy if he's into cars like Jay is. Jimmy said he's really not. He said he asked Jay about getting a car and Jay asked if he was even into cars. Jimmy said he's really not so Jay told him not to buy one. He told him to get a truck instead. Jimmy said he's not sure he likes trucks either.
Howard talked to Jimmy about Barry Gibb dying. Jimmy said that they were great singers. He did his impression of Barry Gibb singing.
Howard said it's funny how they can't find a movie for Jimmy to do. He said that the talk show might be the right move. Jimmy said anyone can play the parts he'd get in movies. He said he'd just be ''a guy'' in the movies.
Howard gave Jimmy some more plugs for the album ''Blow Your Pants Off'' and the book ''Thank You Notes 2.'' He thanked Jimmy for coming by and wrapped up with him. Howard said he always enjoys when he's on. Jimmy said he thinks he's on his way to the Today show. He said he'll be on Piers Morgan's show and The View too. Howard said he can't sit there all day then. Jimmy said he would love to. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Jon Hein give them his Wrap Up Show rundown. Jon quickly ran down the list of subjects for today's show.
Howard said he sees that Sam Simon is on the phone and he wants to know if Jon watched that movie Glass Walls. Howard said he's Jon's arch enemy. Sam said he's really not. He said he's a fan of Jon's. He asked to hear the new theme song for Jon. It's Richard singing ''Jon Hein is an animal mass murderer...''
Sam asked Jon if he watched that movie Glass Walls. Jon said he did. He said it's really rough to watch. Howard asked what Sam is trying to find out. Sam said he wants to know if Jon still doesn't care. Jon said that he went to Wendy's last night and had some chicken. Howard asked Sam what he wants Jon to do. Sam said he just wanted him to watch the video. He said he thinks that Jon will be vegan one day and he appreciates him looking at the movie. Sam said Howard must have seen it. Howard said he can't watch that stuff. He said that he understands that people enjoy eating chicken and meat. He said he has pretty much eliminated most of it except for fish. He said he's still not there himself. He said we have an overpopulation problem and a lot of people have to be fed. Sam said they could all be vegans. Howard said that not everyone is though.
Sam said that a lot of people have said they became vegan because of the discussions they had. Jon thanked Sam for helping him get his ratings up last week. Sam mentioned that he's tweeting @SimonSam on Twitter.
Robin said she watched Jon's show and she wonders if anyone needs that information they have about drive thrus. She said that they did have a little bit of interesting information but it was like 15 seconds about how In and Out Burger created the drive thru. Robin said that they must not be the audience to watch the show. Robin said it's the people who eat that kind of food. Howard said he thought it was interesting to see some of the people on the show. He said they had a couple on the show who drive aroudn to every Whataburger around the country. He said that everything else in the world must be boring to them. Howard said he likes the show. Robin said it's not a bad show. She said she's just wondering if people who eat that food want to sit aroudn talking about how to get through the drive thru. Howard said the show is on a channel that no one sees so they don't have to worry about any of this.
Jon finished up his Wrap Up Show preview after that. They spent a minute talking about how great Jimmy Fallon is performing those songs. Howard told the Howard TV guys to get that up as soon as possible. Doug Goodstein said it'll be up tomorrow night. Jon finished up his rundown and Howard went to break after that.
Robin started off with a story about Burger King rolling out a Bacon Sundae dessert. Robin told Howard what's in it and Howard asked if anyone is really interested in that. He said you're going to die of a heart attack if you eat that. Robin said it's 510 calories. Howard said he couldn't eat a pig anymore. He said he agrees with Sam on that. He said that he doesn't see the bacon being necessary. Howard said maybe they should just shove a slice of pizza in there too. He said they could have all of their meals in one thing. Howard said the world has gone mad. Howard said he has a sundae once in a while but he feels guilty eating it the whole time. He said the taste of ice cream is just so good alone that he doesn't want anything else in it. He said it's remarkable what's going on. He said people have gone mad.
Robin asked Howard if he's envious of people who go out and stay up late. Howard said he doesn't get it. He said his kids always wanted to stay up late. He said you can stay up all day long. He said he's not sure what happens at night. Robin said they say that morning people are happier than night people. Howard told her to look at how happy he is. Robin read about the study that was done and how they found that morning people were found to be generally happier than people who stay up late. Howard said Henry Hill must have been a morning person. Fred played some of his coughing clips and laughs. Howard had to ask him to stop with the cough clips.
Robin read a story about the homeless guy who had his face chewed off. Robin said they say he's recovering amazingly well. They also say that he was accidentally shot by the cops who shot the guy who was eating his face. The guy has lost his nose and his right eye and now he's blind. Robin said they say that the guy who ate his face might have been high on drugs.
Robin said they introduced the idea of banning soft drinks over 16 ounces in New York City. Robin said they're saying that they shouldn't stop at drinks and they should be looking at popcorn, juice, shakes and other foods as well. Robin said they say that they're not that much better for you than soda. Howard had some ideas for banning buffets and things like that.
Robin read about David Arquette filing for divorce from Courteney Cox. Robin said they've been separated for two years. Robin said she found it interesting that he filed. Howard said maybe he's got some kind of relationship going on and he wants out now. Robin said that Arquette filed on Friday and he will be representing himself. Howard said he has to get a hold of him and talk to him about that.
Robin read a story about a kid in Queens who drowned. Robin said she's been asking black parents to get their kids swimming lessons. She said that this kid has died and the summer season has barely started. Robin said that one of her favorite things is to watch her Little Sister, Leah, swim with her kids. She said that she can't swim herself and that's held her back. Howard said Mike Gange can't swim either. Howard said you have got to teach your kids how to swim. Robin said it's so much fun and being around water can be less stressful if you know how to swim. Robin said she still has to wear floaties.
Howard said he learned to swim at a camp and he would come home with a dry bathing suit and his mom would get angry. He hated camp and he hated the kids there. He said he just wanted to grow up and get out of that house. He said he must have been like 5 or 6 at the time. Howard said his mom made them put him in the pool. He said she didn't care what he wanted, she wanted them to get him in the fucking pool. Howard said he didn't want anyone seeing that tiny penis he had. He said he knew at a young age that it was too small.
Robin read a story about a madam who was busted for prostitution. This woman was busted months ago and she can't make bail. Robin said the judge has ruled that they can reduce her bail to $250,000 so she might be able to get out soon. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Roger Clemens trial and how that just started yesterday.
Howard said he's been told that it's actually bad for him to give her money. He said that they say not to feed the pigeons. Wendy said that he owes her from Christmas and her birthday. Howard asked when her teeth fell out. Wendy said she's been drinking soda and she can't go out and have fun because she has no money. Howard asked if she's drinking the giant sized sodas. Wendy said yes to everything. She said she's 254 pounds. Howard asked if she's going to get the Burger King with the bacon on it. Wendy said yes to all of that. Howard said she won't need a toothbrush if she doesn't have teeth. Wendy said she only has one left. Howard said her breath must smell like doody. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she eats doody. Wendy said yes. Wendy said she has to crush her food and eat it with her one tooth. She said she likes hamburgers. Howard asked if she smashes it with her hands. She said she does. She said she has to add a lot of salt to it so she can taste it. Howard said she basically chews with her hands and then swallows the food. Wendy said yes again.
Howard asked Wendy if she's wearing a diaper full time now. Wendy said she is. Howard said she knows how to go to the bathroom. Wendy said she doesn't make it all the time when she has to go. She said she misses the toilet and she has to clean it up before her mom comes home. Howard asked if she likes wearing a diaper. Wendy said of course she does. Howard asked where she throws them out. She said it's inside. Howard said maybe she should get a litter box. She said she did shit in one once. She said she covered it like a cat. Wendy said her cat loves her and she has a cat that just had babies. Howard said she should have had it spayed. Wendy said they have 3 kittens now.
Howard asked Wendy if she knows that she could take her dirty diaper outside and it wouldn't stink as much. Wendy said she knows that. She said she has to take care of her brother's pigs outside. She said they have baby pigs now too.
Howard said that the bike would break if they got her one. Wendy said the 3 wheeler won't break. Howard said she does need exercise. Wendy said she goes walking but she gets stopped by the cops. Wendy said that she goes out with the sign and asks for donations. She said that she had someone else write it for her. She had a homeless person do that for her.
Howard asked Wendy how she knows what the homeless person wrote on her sign. Wendy said she asked him to help and he wrote it. Howard said he could have written something crazy on the sign. Wendy said she sent a picture to Jason so he knows what it says.
Howard said he's afraid that Wendy would get lost on the bike. Wendy said she doesn't get lost. She said she needs a bicycle. Howard said she isn't doing anything else. Howard said Robin is right and they were told that it's bad to give her money. He's not going to give her money right now. Wendy said that her mom said that he was going to send her money on her birthday. Howard said he never said he was going to do that. Wendy said that her mom told her to ask him to help her. Howard said Gary spoke to her mom and she didn't tell her to ask.
Howard said he has to go. Wendy started crying and she said he never helps her out. Howard asked if she's crying. Wendy said that she never gets to go out on the weekends. Howard said he doesn't either. Howard said she must have gotten a ton of money from the tooth fairy. Wendy said she doesn't have anything right now.
Howard said he doesn't know what to do. He said people tell them not to give her money. He asked Gary if he had any money. Gary said he does. He said he just got this the other day. Howard said she wears him down every time with the crying. He said he's not taking her calls anymore. Gary said this will keep her going until the end of the year. Gary said they have $500 for her from Steven Singer Jewelers. Howard said this is the last time. He said she has the money for the bike and an extra $100. Wendy thanked Howard and he told her to call Rush Limbaugh or someone else. Wendy said she doesn't have his number. Howard said at least she doesn't need a helmet for the bike. He told her to be careful with it though. He told her to leave him alone for a while. Wendy said alright. Howard said he's never picking up her call again.
Robin read some news about the Obama reelection team and how they've been saying that they've been successful in creating jobs. Robin had some audio of James Carville talking about that. Howard said that Carville reminds him of Carvel cake. He said he had a piece of Fudgie the Whale and it was so good. He had the smallest piece and it was so good. Howard said that's such a great product.
Robin read a story about the conflict in Syria and had some audio of Hillary Clinton talking about what's going on and how it's escalating.
Robin read about a 9 year old girl who is getting a book about a lesbian couple back on the shelves at her school. Robin had some audio of the 9 year old talking about how it's not that big of a deal. The book was taken off shelves and put behind the counter but it's still available to kids who have permission.
Howard said he has tape of people talking about killing homosexuals and banning books like that. Howard said people are such assholes. He said that's why he stays in his house. He said he meets less assholes that way. Robin said Howard is one of the good ones. Howard said it's better off that he stays inside.
Robin read about a serial rapist that's been terrorizing a neighborhood for 16 years. They're just now pushing to find this guy. Robin said he's been linked to 4 rapes and a murder in this neighborhood. Robin said there's a $10,000 reward for any clues leading to his arrest.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw that Howard put a new picture on his Twitter profile. Howard said he asked Jason and Doug Hurwitt to work on that and get him one of those skins. The caller asked if he changed it so he doesn't have any Sirius stuff on the picture. Howard said that's not the reason. He said he took this picture himself and he was accused of photoshopping his nose. Howard said he didn't do that though. It does look good at some angles. Howard said that's the picture that he gave to Robin in the hospital. Howard said it's a very lucky picture. Robin said it's helping her heal. Howard said good things will happen to you if you have that picture. Howard said he took it himself. He said it's real and not photoshopped. The caller asked if it had anything to do with Sirius. Howard said it really didn't. He said he likes working there even though they're not treating him all that well lately. He said he assures you that he just wanted to put up a pleasurable picture of himself. He said Robin told him to share it with the world.
Howard asked Robin if she was looking at it right now. She said it's in the other room but she does peek at it during the breaks. Robin said that he should get one for himself and frame it. Howard asked Fred if he saw it. Fred said he did see it in the hospital room. Howard said he brought her some lip balm too. He said he's just full of joy when he visits someone in the hospital.
Robin read a story about Jerry Lewis collapsing with low blood sugar at a Friar's club event. Robin said that he was supposed to present Tom Cruise with an award. Robin said he was released from the hospital the same night.
Robin read about the novelty shirts that people get for Father's day. Robin said that experts say that you should avoid those. Howard said he likes that stuff that says ''best dad'' on it. Robin said that gift cards are the number one present that dad's want according to some survey that was done. She had audio of a woman talking about that.
Howard said he gets his dad money for the race track. He said he gets tickets that he can cash in there. He said his dad loves that. Robin had some other suggestions for Father's day.
Robin read about Tiger Woods getting ready to play in some tournament. Robin had some audio of Tiger talking about how he's ready for that. Robin said there's also a 14 year old Chinese kid who will be playing in the tournament. She had audio of Tiger talking about that kid too.
Robin read about the 7 year old boy who was in the Volkswagen commercial as the little Darth Vader needing heart surgery. Howard told Gary to send that kid his photo to cheer him up. Robin had some audio of the kid's mother talking about the upcoming surgery. Robin said the kid, Max, had some things to say too. She read some quotes from that kid. Howard said he's not sure the kid wrote that himself. Robin said she's not sure he could either.
Robin read about the powerball lottery being $240 million. Robin said that they didn't have a winner last Saturday. Howard said he would love it if Wendy would win that. Then she'd never have to call again. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
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Jon asked Benjy why he wasn't able to talk about being in that movie that Ronnie is going to be in. Benjy said he heard there might be an offer but he didn't have anything set. He said that there's nothing definite. He said he has to find out if he'd be into it and what the pay is. Jon said the Ronnie thing is definite. He's working on TV shows and now movies. He said it's not a tiny movie either. Gary said Ronnie is a star and people seem to like him. He said if you're looking for an angry guy at a strip club when Ronnie can do it.
Jon said there was a clear shot of Ronnie before Howard on AGT last night. Gary said it was in slow motion and kind of important looking. Jon said they had to take a quick break after that.
Jon asked if Jimmy can be friendly with his competition. Gary said Jimmy doesn't seem to care that he's in competition but Howard would really care. He would want to rule late night but Jimmy isn't like that. He said he thinks that Jimmy likes to do his best but he doesn't hate everyone in late night.
Jon asked what it is that makes Jimmy's impressions so great. Gary said you have to find the one nuance that does it. He said that his Dylan impression was great because of that harmonica thing. He said that you have to figure out that thing that makes it different.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary about when he realized he was famous and he was a star. He also wanted to know if his son's listen to the show. Gary said the kids don't listen to the show. He said his younger son listens to some stuff he'll bring home to him. Gary said he doesn't think he's a star but he is recognizable. He said that was pretty early on when someone asked for an autograph. He said he felt it was so worthless though. He figured they'd go home and wonder what they were going to do with it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he loved the Toronto Block Party show. He said Jimmy Fallon was great but if Howard said he thought he was gay he would have been turned off. The guy said that it must bother Jimmy a little bit. Gary said he thinks it bothers the caller more than it bothers Jimmy. Gary said that Jimmy admitted he has some of those qualities. The caller said it would really bother him. Gary said it seems to be more about the caller than about Jimmy.
Jon said that there were some people in the back that were wondering how Jimmy didn't notice what kind of dress Scarlett Johansson was wearing at the wedding. Will said that no one really cares about her. He said she's not that great of an actress and she's only known for her tits.
Jon asked the guys what they thought about Jimmy getting all of the great guests to do songs with him. Gary said he seems to be very comfortable working with them. He said that Jimmy singing ''Scrambled Eggs'' to Paul was very ballsy.
Will asked if he can act. Ronnie asked why he has to bust his balls. Ronnie said he thinks it'll be like a Hangover kind of movie.
Jon Leiberman came in and said he just got off the phone with the producers. He said they're upset that Howard was comparing it to the other movies. He said that they told him that Benjy and Elisa aren't in it and they're not sure how that got started. He said they felt that Ronnie was the best character to play the part. He's going to be yelling at girls to show them their tits and things like that. They said that the producers, and not Stamos, were the ones pushing for Ronnie to be in the movie.
Jon asked if he's going to stick to the script. Ronnie said he'll do whatever. He said he thinks it'll be cool. Gary asked if he can break out ''Lets fuck some whores!'' Ronnie said he's not sure but he'll have to see. He said maybe he'll break out ''Whoa, whoa, whoa stop the clock'' in there too. Jon had to go to another break after that.
After the break Jon got back to the movie roles that the staff are doing and how Howard seemed to be getting upset about it. Gary said that everyone is doing their own thing and Howard sees it as one big thing. Richard came in and talked about how he's in Albino Farm and in a Harold and Kumar movie too.
Jon asked the guys if Richard thinks twice about the movie when they hear that Big Foot is in it. Richard said he heard they have a good budget and he's being paid well to do it. He said that he's not going to Arizona to do it or anything. He said that it's a legitimate movie.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that they shouldn't take the roles. Gary said you'd have to take it part by part. Richard said he was in a movie that Maria Menounos' boyfriend directed. He said that one is called Serial Buddies.
Richard said he was one of the extras in ''Contact'' and he was in ''From the Earth to the Moon'' and he was a hippie smoking in a parking lot.
Gary said that he saw the role that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach had in Jerry Maguire. He said that the scene got cut but he saw it when Cameron Crowe sent it to him. Richard said he want to see that movie to see Kenneth and he didn't see him in it. He didn't know the scene was cut.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard seems to be angry because he isn't part of getting these guys the roles in these films. He said that when they go out and do it on their own he seems to be jealous and angry. Gary said he's really not. He said that he tries to protect his brand. He said that the show Wings once asked Howard to be in their show and he turned it down. Then they called Stuttering John to do it instead. He said it's not a jealousy thing.
Ronnie said that Howard isn't going to be jealous of him. Will said that's a great point. Ronnie said he runs stuff by Howard before he does them. He said that Howard hasn't really turned him down. He said he felt that the Stamos thing was kind of strange. He said he thought he was being pranked but it turned out to be legitimate. Ronnie said he had also asked for Robin's address because he wanted to send her something.
Benjy asked how Ronnie approaches Howard about that stuff. Ronnie said he just talks to him. He said he's worked with him for 27 years and it's easy to talk.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Ronnie would quit the show if he got a really good movie role. Ronnie said he has said before that he's not going to quit. He said Howard comes first. He said he wouldn't be where he is now if it wasn't for him. Richard said Ronnie said he would ride off into the sunset if he got a blow job from him. Ronnie said he would have to do that. He can't live there with that over his head.
Jon mentioned what Will was saying about Ralph not calling in during the John the Stutterer segment and Ralph said he was busy concentrating on Geektime. Will said he should be helping the show since that's why they're all there. He said he felt it was a very selfish move. Richard said they thought he was going to call in so they could get some great clips of John yelling.
Gary said Ralph has been sort of off the grid lately. He said he expected to hear him on with Sam Simon and other people. Jon said Ralph prepares in a certain way and that's why he turned Will down. He said he thought Ralph was going to work with Will after the show but he guesses that didn't happen. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard's Night Of Porn And No Sleep. 06/14/04. 6:00am
Howard started off the morning talking about hating Monday mornings. He said that he's used to sleeping with someone every night but Beth was out of town last night and he doesn't sleep well when she's not around. He knows that Robin will make fun of him for that. Robin told him that he should get someone else to sleep with if it's like that. Howard said that after he got divorced he found that he was in a frenzy every night and he realizes now that it wasn't a sexual thing, it was just that he needed companionship. Robin seems to think that it's also fear of not having someone there for you.
Howard was up watching some TV but he wasn't able to sleep and had to pull out some porn to watch even though he'd had sex with Beth that morning. He had to finish himself off again last night. He laid down on the bed with his tissues and stuff and prepared to watch the Tera Patrick video he'd brought home the other day. As he started to describe this he said that Robin had this big smile on her face. She said she really doesn't know how to react when he talks about stuff like that.
Howard talked about how hot Tera Patrick is and how he doesn't find a lot of porn chicks attractive. She was just in recently so she was fresh in his mind. He doesn't like that she's married and that freaked him out a little bit. She will only make love to her husband in her porn videos now. He went on to talk about how there was a lot of talk going on in this video of her's that he was watching. She was also wearing a top that didn't work for her very well. He said it looked like she had a belly even though she doesn't. She was talking about her husband and all of the troubles she's had with the porn business.
Howard said that when the porn scenes started he wasn't able to watch it. He said it was like watching home videos because she's doing her husband and he has no desire to watch it. He's not even sure why that is though. There's something different about what they're doing and he can't figure out exactly what it is. Howard ended up fast forwarding through the video because he heard that she does a sex scene with Savanna Samson and he likes her a lot. He eventually fast forwarded through to Savanna and Tera's scene. Tera claims to have never had another woman so this was supposed to be her first.
Howard said Savanna and Tera were talking to each other about how appreciative of each other they were and he was ready to go before they even started their scene. He said once they started with each other, he was done. He talked about how Tera looked like a pro within seconds of starting with Savanna. He said the scenes were a little too graphic for him though. They were showing things that Robin's gynecologist has never seen.
Howard told Robin that he's disgusted with porn after watching something like that. He was going to just go to sleep without throwing out his gooey tissues but he was afraid someone would come in and find them. He laid there trying to figure out if he should get up and throw them away or not. He eventually got up to throw them in the toilet and flush them. He got up, did that and then had to make something to eat at about 10 o'clock at night. He got back in bed, ate his salad and watched some more of the basketball game that was on.
Howard talked about the game and his salad. He still wasn't able to sleep last night because he had a million things on his mind. He's been working on his cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' and who should draw the cartoons. He said that Spike TV approved the pilot script so he has to put that together. He was also obsessing about his chigger bite that still hasn't gone away. He's had it since they were in Las Vegas last month. Robin still has hers but Beth's are gone now. Howard is going to go to a dermatologist today to get the bite checked out.
He took an Ambien to try and get to sleep and that eventually worked. He said he was very groggy when he woke up this morning and his throat was all dry. He said he's never taking that stuff again. If Beth isn't home tonight he said that he's going to find another woman to sleep with him.
Howard watched the MTV Movie Awards show and it was horrible according to him. He continued to talk about the things that were upsetting him last night and how tough it was for him. He told Robin how old he's feeling these days. He was touching his ass and felt loose skin back there so he started to think about how he's an old guy now.
Kenneth Keith, movie star? 6/14/96.
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach came in this morning to make a major announcement. He's going to be in the next Tom Cruise movie!!! Director, Cameron Crowe who's a major Stern fan, contacted Gary to find out if Kenneth Keith is dangerous. Gary told him that he's safe enough for the movie and the next thing you know Kenneth has plane tickets to fly out to California! He said that he'll be playing a sports fan that asks Tom Cruise's character for an autograph. This should be interesting. The E! crew said that they've worked with Kenneth on some stuff and said that he takes direction very well. So maybe he'll be the next Jim Carrey! ...maybe not.
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Will Howard Get His Butt Massaged? 6/14/00. 6:40am
A woman called in this morning and offered to come down and rub Howard's ass. It was shortly after Erik's gay talk so he said that having your butt rubbed isn't gay. The woman claimed to be good looking and said that she gives really good massages. She told Howard that she came down last week and KC wouldn't let her in because they were busy. KC came in and after thinking back a while, finally remembered who she was. He told Howard that she was maybe a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. Howard thought that might be okay but then KC downgraded her to a 4.5.. Then to a 3. He said she was kind of ''harsh'' looking. He quickly changed his mind about having her come down but said that he still wants a butt massage. That led to a discussion about butt stuff. He was saying how gay the whole strap-on thing was with Erik. A listener called in and told Howard that he's not gay but would let a woman use a strap-on on him. Howard told him he's gay and anything more than a pinkie up there is gay.
Stuttering John came in and the subject changed to his hemorrhoids. He thinks they've cured themselves overnight but Howard doesn't believe it. John wasn't looking forward to taking a crap this morning. He said that he knows it's going to be a nasty one. Then KC said that he's had green craps and thinks that it's a sign of dehydration. Howard told him he's nuts. There were a lot of delay button hits during this conversation so it was hard to keep up with it. Robin said that the green color is from what he ate, not from dehydration. Someone said that perhaps he ate a leprechaun.
In the clip Howard was talking about this Andy of Mayberry bit he was trying to get done and how they used to get done in like 15 minutes. He said he can't get things done quickly anymore. He said he used to knock them out in an hour. Now he has 8 guys working on it and it takes 4 days.
Howard said Gary told him to mellow out but this is his career he's trying to deal with. Gary said he just didn't want to hear him yell. He said Scott is working on it the best he can. Howard said Scott was working on it yesterday and today and he said that he won't be seeing it today. He said he had a bunch of stuff that he wanted but Scott needs all day to work on this bit. Howard said when you do hear it you'll wonder what took so long.
Howard said the bit was done yesterday but Scott is still working on it for some reason. He said he's going to take a phone call and get into the news.
Various Stuff. 6/14/02. 6:05am
KC and Jim Florentine (''Terrorizing Telemarketers'', ''Terrorizing Telemarketers Vol. 2'') went out to lunch the other day. When the waiter asked Jim if he wanted any fresh pepper he said yes. He then had the waiter continue to grind fresh pepper on his salad for about 5 minutes. Howard heard about this and Jim had a mound of pepper on his salad. The manager of the restaurant came over and asked if everything was okay. He said it was fine, he just wanted more pepper. They actually ran out of pepper in one pepper mill and had to refill it. He eventually stopped the pepper and ate his salad. KC told Howard that they were sitting outside and looked in to see 3 or 4 waiters inside elbowing each other as they watched Jim eat his salad. KC said there's something wrong with Jim because he will actually do stuff like that when he's by himself. Howard said they should at least let them videotape stuff like that.
Sal's Marriage Discussed. 06/14/07. 6:30am
Howard said that Sal's wife called into the Wrap Up Show yesterday so he got kind of pissed off that she was on there and not on his show. Artie said that it was a good segment too. Artie said that maybe he can get her on the air today but Howard said he kind of wanted to do that yesterday morning, not this morning. Howard said he didn't even want to hear it because the answers would be in his head already. Artie said that he wanted to ask her about whether or not she slept with a guy. Sal came in and said that he's still thinking about that himself but he's just moving forward with the whole thing.
Sal said that Artie really looks out for him and tries to help him out. He said he got a voice mail from him last night and he offered to throw some cash at him. He said that Artie told him that he was doing some shows and said he'd offer him some money at any show he needs. Sal said it's really nice that he's offering to do that.
Howard asked Sal if he's ever asked his wife if she slept with this guy. Sal said that she's never really answered the question completely. Sal said that he's never cheated on his wife, ever. Artie said that he's good about that stuff on the road when he's with him so he doesn't think Sal has ever cheated. Howard asked Sal if he even wants to know. Sal said that her sister was there yesterday and he didn't get into it. He said he didn't want to deal with that with her sister being there.
Sal thinks that he was distant emotionally from her and he gets that now. Gary came in and said that it seems like Sal has been brainwashed now because he talks in therapy speak. He said that even if Sal wasn't there emotionally, his wife didn't take any responsibility on any level for what was wrong in the relationship. Gary said he asked her about the emotional friend and if she felt wrong about that. She said she didn't and she said she needed that friendship. Fred asked Sal why she didn't go to a therapist instead of to another man. Sal didn't know. He said that it was his idea to go to therapy. Gary asked why she would hide that friend if it was no big deal.
Artie said that Sal really needs to find out if she slept with him. Sal said it doesn't matter to him. Robin said that knowledge could kill the relationship though. Howard asked Sal if it would change things if he found out she did sleep with the guy. Sal said ''no'' and that if he really loves someone, he can put that kind of stuff behind him. Artie said he'd have to know. Robin said Artie could never stay with someone knowing that she had slept with another man. Sal said that she hardly banged him so he can't see her banging some other guy.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he kind of wondered why Sal's wife was on The Wrap Up Show because he thinks that she should be on Howard's show. Howard said that's the way he feels because it takes away the suspense from the whole thing. Gary said that she's kind of afraid to come there and it's not over yet. There's a lot more to explore. Gary said he wasn't trying to be Howard on the show. Howard said it was like the pre-interview took place on the air. Gary said he's not sure what to do then.
Howard said that he started to listen to the interview but it was a little boring. He wished that they had gotten her on his show instead. Dominic was picking it apart saying that the interview would have gone completely different if they had her on Howard's show. Howard said that the Wrap Up Show is for talking about what happened during the show that day, not to talk to someone like that who he wanted on the show. Howard said that he wants the Wrap Up Show to be interesting but not when it comes to stuff like that. He said that would be like Robin going on Bubba's show and revealing that she had broken up with Mr. X.
Dominic was complaining over and over again and Gary said that he's got to get out of Howard's ass with that stuff. Howard said that he's kind of right and he thinks that he could have done something with that interview if she had called in on this show. He said it could have been interesting if he could have played with it in his own way.
Sal told Gary that he blew it and called him an asshole. He said he didn't even feel good about doing that though. He said that the whole thing is just so messed up that he doesn't feel right dissing people. Howard asked who thinks that the marriage is going to end in divorce. Gary said he's not sure where it's at right now. Robin and Gary both think that the marriage will end in divorce. Artie said he doesn't think it will. Fred said that he's not sure but his wife is the question mark right now. He asked if she says that she's in love with him. Sal said that she feels a love like he's a brother or something to her. She wants to work back to what it was like in the past though.
Dominic asked if Sal's parents went through something like that because he had mentioned something about that. He said that his father did cheat on his mother but she stayed with him all these years. They went through that stuff for a minute before Howard said he had to go to break. He took another phone call a few seconds later though. The caller said he started snooping around and found out that she was cheating on him. He said that if he had done that to her, she would have gotten right out of there. Howard said he could never forgive someone for doing something like that to him so Sal is a better man than he is. Howard said he had a chick break up with him because she had found a guy who had a bigger cock than he did. He said he was in college at the time and he got the call one day saying that she found a guy with a big penis. He said that they were fucking like 5 times a day and it really broke his heart. He said he was in love and it really hurt.
Sal was laughing at Howard for losing a chick because of his cock. Howard didn't think that was right and said that his wife is out cheating on him. Sal said that everyone is coming out of the woodwork when this stuff comes up. He said that some people were telling him not to worry about it but others were saying that an emotional friend is just another description for a ''fuck buddy.''
Howard read some e-mail about Sal's problem. Some people wrote in and said that he's just staying with his wife because he's afraid he's going to lose his lifestyle. Howard figures that Sal is with someone he can't have and that might be a reason he's staying with her. Sal said that he's got no problem getting women so he'd have no problem being alone.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked about some of the things that his wife was doing to him as far as going out all dressed up at night with her friends and stuff. Sal had talked about that and about making Sal hold in his load so he wouldn't dirty the sheets or anything like that. Another caller said that Sal shouldn't be surprised if his wife was sleeping with that guy. Another caller told Sal that if he wants to get back to having sex with his wife he should go by that bar she hangs out at because that's where she was getting guys off. Howard asked Sal if he thinks that she was going out and getting guys at that bar. Sal said he thinks that she was just going there to high five her friends over taking her husbands money and stuff like that.
Hanzi called in and said that Sal's wife should have confronted him about her problems instead of just going out and doing what she did. Howard said that Sal is just being honest with himself and trying to work things out his own way by showing her the old Sal. He said that if he's blaming her for what happened, that's just the same old shit that she's been hearing for years.
Howard asked Sal if he knows that all of his kids are his. Sal said he's pretty sure except for the black one. Artie asked Howard if they could roast Sal on the last day before they go on vacation for July. Howard said that they really should do that. He said he was going to take a break from those roasts for a year or so but now he has to do one with Sal. Artie said that the material is endless. Sal said that he had a bunch of guys come up to him asking if they were the ''emotional friend'' that he was talking about. That means that she must be talking to all of these guys. Howard had to go to break after that.
In the clip Howard introduced a bunch of women who were there to play a Dial-A-Date with Gilbert Gottfried. Howard talked to Val first. She had called in the day before to ask to be part of the dating game. Howard then talked to Debbie who had called after Val called. She said she thinks Gilbert is great. Howard said she's very lovely and he thinks Gilbert is going to go for Val.
Howard introduced Tammy next. He said all three are beautiful but he thinks that Gilbert is going to go for Val because of her jugs. Howard said they look pretty big. Val said they're a C-cup. Howard said they look bigger because she's so small. Howard said the rest of them are just way too conservative. Val's boobs were almost popping out.
Howard asked Val if she knows this has to be a sexual thing. Val said she won't say. Howard said as soon as he sees her breasts that's going to be it. Howard said he thinks Debbie is getting upset. Robin said they'll have to see how things go.
Howard asked the girls if they were all willing to go topless. Val and Debbie said no. Howard said Tammy wasn't saying no. She just laughed.
Howard said they're going to have Gilbert come in now. He said he has a really bad personality and all he's going to do is bring the girl in a room and demand sex. That's it. He said Debbie doesn't seem to care. Debbie said that she's never seen him live but she thinks it'll be okay.
Howard had Gilbert come in. Gilbert came in and looked the girls over. Howard said he would let him talk to the girls for a few seconds. Then he has to pick one. Howard said he knows who he will pick. Howard introduced each of the girls and had them spin around for him. Val was up first. Gilbert said she's the one who is not a mutant. Gilbert said that's like saying his penis is bigger than an amoeba. Robin said Gilbert's hands were shaking.
Howard introduced Debbie and described what she was wearing. Howard said she has big breasts too. Howard then introduced Tammy who had all white on. Howard asked how old she is. She was 23. Debbie was 30 and Val was 20.
Howard was going to have Gilbert pick one but Gilbert wanted to talk to them first. Howard said they picked the top 3 for him and they had to turn away 35 others. Gilbert laughed. Howard had the girls say hello again. Then he let Gilbert talk to the girls. Gilbert asked the girls if they would go and talk somewhere else and leave the station. They all said yes. Gilbert asked who wanted to have sex with him right now. Debbie said not right now. Tammy said yes but no one could watch. Val said her dad is listening so she can't answer that. Gilbert asked if they could call her father. She said she didn't know his number.
Gilbert said he thinks he might be able to bail out on Val. He said that she doesn't want to have sex with him. Howard said he thinks she will but it's because her dad is listening that she's saying no. Gilbert asked her father to turn off the radio so he can have sex with her. Howard told Val she's blowing it.
Howard had Val talk about how she wanted to take care of him. She said she just wanted to come down and meet him. Howard said Gilbert is barking at her and telling this girl what to do. Gilbert was trying to find out what she would do on a date but it wasn't working.
Gilbert moved on to Debbie next. Gilbert asked her what she would do to make him comfortable. She told Gilbert how she'd do that but it wasn't really working for her either. Howard asked Debbie if she has anything else to tell Gilbert. She said she thinks they could have a nice time.
Howard moved on to Tammy. Tammy ended up doing a Gilbert imitation and told Gilbert what she'd do. Howard asked Gilbert which of the 3 he wanted. Howard asked the girls if they're all willing to leave with him when he goes. Val said she has to be at work at noon. Howard said maybe she can call in sick. She said she could probably do that. The other girls were willing to go too.
Howard asked Gilbert to pick one. Gilbert said it was a tough choice. He said this is too much and too tough. Howard said he has to pick one. Gilbert said it's too much to choose from. Howard told him to just pick one. Gilbert kept saying it's just too hard. Howard asked if he'd like the girls to leave the room. Gilbert still wasn't giving an answer. He said he can't make decisions. Gilbert said he can't say he doesn't want any of them. Howard kept going in circles with him about this. The girls tried talking Gilbert into picking them. Howard told Gilbert he has to make a decision.
Howard said he's going to have to call this off. He said he's like a little homo. Howard said the guy is amazing. He told him he can say no to all three if he wants to. Howard asked if he should call Page Six and tell them that Gilbert is gay. Gilbert laughed. Howard said he knows who he would leave with. He said he thinks he knows who Gilbert will leave with. Gilbert said he just can't give an answer. Howard said this is the last time this will happen. He said he won't set him up like this ever again.
Howard said he thinks Gilbert is afraid to say who he likes. He said he must be gay not to want any of them. Jackie said he doesn't think he could pick any girl no matter what three they had in there. Howard asked why they're doing this. Jackie said he thinks Gilbert just couldn't say no to him.
Howard said Jackie predicted he'd go with Val. Howard said he did the same, Fred predicted Tammy and Robin said Gilbert would pick no one. Howard said Robin was right.
Howard said he thinks he's going to ask the girls to exit now. Tammy gave Gilbert a kiss but that didn't do anything. Howard asked if he had a lump in his pants. Tammy said he didn't. Gilbert said he has to concentrate.
Gary came in and said that the phones were going crazy out there. Val took a seat on Gilbert's lap but nothing was going on. She said it was tough in a room full of people. Howard asked Debbie to give it a try too.
Gary said the phones and faxes are going crazy about this. Howard said it confirms to him that Gilbert is gay. He said he thought Gilbert was going to freak out over Val. He said he really did. Val thanked him for that. Howard said he really did think he was going to go out of his mind for her.
Howard said he doesn't understand this. Robin said she thinks that his mind was made up when he walked through the door. Howard said he has to end this and let the girls go. Howard asked if they were hurt. Val said she was fine. Howard said he's very sorry but he doesn't know what to say. Howard said all three were very beautiful.
Gilbert asked for a phone number from one of the girls but Howard told her not to give it to him. Howard said he wants him to make a commitment now. Howard told Jackie to grab the numbers. Gilbert was trying to grab them according to Robin.
Howard said he can't win with this Gary because he won't come in and escort these girls out of there. Howard said he just signed a copy of The Who's last album.
Gary asked Howard to talk to some guy on the phone. Howard let the girls go and said Val is looking good in that top. He said he thinks Gilbert is a homo. He said he must be out of his mind. Howard asked how old Val is. She's only 20. Howard said he's had it with Gilbert.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Gilbert goes to do Mr. Rips and he goes out to strip joints after the show. Gilbert said that's shocking news. Howard asked if they're female or male clubs.
Howard said Val was really cute. He said that he hasn't seen Penthouse Pets with a body like that. He told Gilbert he's out of his mind. He said he's a little nut.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this was a great show and Gilbert ruined it. Robin said this girl was really cute. Howard said Val was wearing a tight jumpsuit and she had a body of a Penthouse Pet. He said she had perfect jugs and 2/3 of it was hanging out. Howard asked what that was all about. Gilbert said he was asked to come in and he can't say no. Howard said he's stunned by this whole thing. He said it's like when Kennedy got shot.
Howard said he thought Gilbert liked women but maybe he's a homo. Gilbert said he's a major queen. The caller told him he's a stupid dick.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he respects Gilbert for not doing this. The caller said he's a homo. Another caller said Gilbert was on the show once and he was making fun of the homo guy and now he's the homo.
Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver knows what Gilbert's problem is. He said he talks about it every day. Howard called Ronnie in his car. Ronnie said he's going to give it to Gilbert next time he's in the car. Howard said he hates that Ronnie has other people in his limo. Ronnie said that he could lace into Gilbert if he didn't have someone in the car now. Ronnie said that Gilbert is a faggot. Howard told him to take it easy. Howard said he's been trying to talk to Ronnie about saying that word but he can't get through to the guy. He said that word is offensive and it's like using the N-word. Robin said he must say ''What's wrong with the N-word?''
A caller asked Howard to hook him up with Val. Howard asked the guys to bring Val back in. He said that he wants to make out with her himself. Howard said he's sure that Gilbert will call her if he gives her his number. Howard said he's upset that he has her number now. Howard spent another minute on that and then wrapped up and went to break.
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in the clip Howard was talking about how he can't imagine himself doing this for another 20 years. He said he might retire and find something else to do. He said maybe he'll get a disc jockey job and just enjoy that. He said he won't use his name. He said he'll change it so no one will know it's him. He said maybe tomorrow he'll do a whole music show. Howard told Fred to get him some records now.
Howard said Robin, Jackie and Gary won't be there. He will need someone to pull his music for him though. Howard asked Fred to get him some real records, not CDs. He said he can still have Ralph come and do his hair during his show.
Howard came up with the name Les Tracks for a DJ name. He had a few others that he threw aroudn with the guys. He went into his DJ voice and talked about what they had going on and then went into a Bush song. Then he introduced a Motley Crue song and played a few seconds of that. Howard said he was going to let that play for a little bit. Howard then introduced another song and said that's what he'd be doing as a DJ. He said that he could have chicks in the studio while the music plays. Howard played some Our Lady Peace music next. Howard asked if he's any good at this. Robin said no. Howard laughed.
Howard played some Pearl Jam and talked up their song. Howard was doing his DJ voice as he was introducing these songs. Robin was talking too though. Howard said she won't be on the show. Howard played more songs and talked them up like a DJ.
In the clip Howard was talking about a commercial that Billy West got. He said he wants to call him and have him do the voice for them. Howard said Fred has to go out and try to get some work like that.
The guys got Billy on the phone and Billy was saying that Fred is one of the best guys out there with voices. Howard asked Billy to do his McDonald's commercial voice. Billy did that and Howard said there are like 23 different commercials.
Robin mentioned that Don Knotts was in the news so Howard said Billy should do that voice. Howard and Robin talked about that news story for a short time and then had Billy hold on so they could get back to him after a break.
After the edited out break Howard had Billy on the phone doing his Don Knotts voice. Howard talked to him about his alleged suicide attempt. Howard and Billy did that for a couple of minutes. Howard told Billy to really go and do it when he was saying that he was going to kill himself. He said he was going to drink a glass of hemlock. Howard said he should do that now. He hung up on Billy in the middle of a line.
Gary Garver Interviews Rev. Jesse Jackson. 6/14/99. 7:50am
Los Angeles interviewer Gary Garver recently got an interview with Reverend Jesse Jackson. Gary got off a bunch of questions but Jackson just rambled and mush-mouthed his way through most of them. Here are the questions:
Howard likes Liza!? 6/14/96.
As most of you know, Howard has never really like Liza Minelli. When he sends Stuttering John out to interview her, he gives him goofy questions to ask. Yesterday John was out to ask her the usual wacky questions like ''did you ever fart on stage loud enough for the band leader to hear?'' Liza ignored most questions until John mentioned Howard's name. This time, instead of running away she told John that she's a big fan and that she thanked Howard on her latest album! Howard got the album out and sure enough there it was! Howard even played a bit of the sucky album for everyone. It's more horrible than you could possibly imagine! It sounds like her teeth are about to fall out of her head when she sings. Now Howard wants to get her on the show! I doubt that she'll do it but who knows.
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In the clip Howard was talking about how people were telling him how great the show was when he was goofing on Gary the day before. Howard said he heard from Dan Forman about how he was doubled over in laugher. Howard said he got a few phone calls from people who were listening and one of them is a woman he didn't even know listened to the show. He said that she barely speaks English. Howard said she sat down with him and asked who that guy is with the teeth. Howard said she said it was the funniest thing she had ever heard when she heard the show yesterday.
Howard said the funniest line Gary had was that he could get any job he wants. He didn't want any tow truck driver job offers though. Howard said if he was Gary he'd take all job offers and then weed out what he didn't want. Howard said Gary thinks that he's in the producing realm now. Gary told him he's been going to parties and getting offers from people like Morty from Letterman's show. Howard said he had to take a break before getting to more of that.
After an edited out break Howard talked about how they're the kings and queens of radio. He said Fred is included in that but Gary isn't. Howard said he heard Billy on that McDonald's spot last night. He said he heard Billy's voice coming out of his TV. Howard said Fred has to do something. Fred said Howard has to talk to some of these people for him.
Gary said he heard Billy doing a voice in a Raid commercial. Howard said Fred has to do some of these commercials. Gary said it's very political. Howard said that's talking like a loser. He said Fred shouldn't lump himself in with Gary. Howard told Fred not to talk to Gary anymore. He said he's holding him back.
Howard asked Gary what Bob Morton said to him about a job. Gary said that he mentioned to Howard that Bob Morton likes to have someone from his talent department at these parties. Gary said Howard got the story wrong and said he was the one saying he had to be at the parties. Howard said he told Gary that it's good to go to parties to get guests for the show. He said he's yet to see that happen.
Howard said Fred had a new sound effect for Gary but it wasn't working. It was a clip of someone licking their choppers. Howard said that it had too much hum in it but Howard said maybe it is working after Fred played it a few more times.
Howard said he had some audio of Richard Simmons calling Gary's answering machine. He said he had to take another break first. Howard had Fred play the Gary clip again a few times. Howard asked if that's Gary licking his lips. Gary said that he'd go with that. Gary said the only time he ever made that noise was on that flight when he fell asleep and woke up asking for orange juice. They went to break after that.
In the clip Howard was talking about the smell of cigarettes in the studio. He said it must be Timmy who smokes in there. Howard went off on him for a short time. Gary said that Timmy stopped smoking at 5 so he wouldn't piss Howard off. Then he started chewing tobacco and spit it in the garbage can. Howard said it's not fair. He said the place reeks and it's like 100 degrees in there. Howard said if you can't avoid smoking for an hour then there's something wrong with you. He said he needs to get help.
Gary said Scott the Engineer will smoke a bunch before getting on a flight. He can't smoke on the flight so he'll load up before they get on. Howard said his whole day is figuring out how to meet his quota for smoking. Gary said Scott will complain on the plane about the old days when they could smoke. Howard said it got to him that he had to go outside and light up when he smoked. He said he was completely out of control.
Howard said before he gets on a plane Scott has to time it all out. Howard said smoking before you get on the plane must make you want to smoke even more.
Gary said he flew with Scott on a plane once when they could still smoke and he got sick from Scott's constant smoking. Gary said he was a smoker at the time too.
Howard was talking about Scott and his smoking and how he's bald. Gary said he's not bald anymore. He has a wig on. Gary said it's kind of spiky too. Fred said he saw it and he was shocked when he did.
Howard told Gary to have Scott come in. Scott came in a short time later. Howard said that's a nice hairdo. Howard had the guys turn on the lights. He said Scott looks kind of good with hair. He said it doesn't look so bad. Howard said it's much better than being bald. He said it actually does look pretty good. Robin said it's weird that he looks so groomed in that one place. Howard said he has nicer hair than Jackie does.
Scott said he's very happy with the way it came out. He said it never comes off. He said you can do everything with it on. Howard said it would be great if he could flip it up and have it talk. Gary said you have to have it maintained. He said Scott used to have another one but he didn't maintain it and it looked weird after a few years.
Howard said Scott's last toupee had to be washed in the washing machine. Scott said he washed it in the sink, not in the washing machine. Howard said he'd love to see him washing that thing. He said the old one had clips on it so you could clip it on. Howard told Scott he looks good and went to break.
Bon Jovi Performs Live. 6/14/00. 7:15am
The band Bon Jovi came in this morning to play a couple of songs for Howard this morning. They're out promoting their brand new album ''Crush'' which just came out yesterday. Howard came back from a commercial break and said that the band was sounding great during rehearsal. He said they're a great live band. He spent a couple of quick minutes talking to each of the guys before the performances. He spoke to Jon, Richie, Tico and David real quick but didn't talk to the new guy, Huey, at all.
The guys first performed their new single ''It's My Life'' which sounded great. Howard said the video is great also. He spent a couple more minutes talking to the guys after that song. They were on ''Late Show with David Letterman'' last night and performed their song on the roof of Letterman's building. Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some people kiss the band's ass.
There were two fans who were invited down to the studio to meet the band. Tom and Jennifer asked to meet the band and Tom actually dressed in a bra and bikini bottom to be wacky enough to get in. Howard told Tom that he just looked ''vile'' standing there in his bra. Tom and Jennifer said they've been fans for a long time and just wanted to meet the band. Howard let them sit in during Bon Jovi's performance of their song ''You Give Love a Bad Name'' and they were thrilled. Once again the band sounded great. Howard was wrapping things up and asked Richie about the talk-box he uses for the new song. Richie played with it for a minute showing Howard how it works.
Comedian Lewis Black Visits. 06/14/10. 8:45am
After the break we heard some prank calls that Sal and Richard made to a Swap Shop show where they were trying to sell a bunch of stuff with their radios on in the background. Fred also played some Van Halen ''Dance the Night Away'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and had comedian Lewis Black come in. Howard asked him if he's into that Van Halen kind of music. Lewis said that he likes show tunes. He said he can't believe that Howard watched the Tony's last night. Howard said they happened to be good. Lewis said he did theater for about 20 years and he tuned in last night and watched for like 30 seconds. Lewis said he just yelled ''Stop it!'' to the TV because they were basically telling America ''go away.''
Lewis said he wanted to be a playwright. He said he went to the theater and the light came on and he saw what was going on there. He said he produced and wrote like 40 plays. Howard asked if anyone has gone back and looked at those plays to put on Broadway. Lewis said he had a story about abuse that Howard would like. He said he's doing really well as a comic and the theaters started to get in touch with him to send the plays back. He said they turned them down again.
Howard said he made the right move becoming a comic. He said if he had stuck with that dream he wouldn't be able to buy a house. Lewis said it would be like personally raping himself. He said he didn't get into comedy until he was like 40. He said he was in a dream world up until then.
Howard asked if he's bitter at all like Rodney Dangerfield was. Lewis said he's happy doing what he's doing. He said he was really broke before that but now he's doing okay. Lewis said he had a play that was optioned for Broadway for 7 years. He said they gave him $2,500 for this play but it kept getting turned down. He said it went to everyone and got turned down.
Howard asked Lewis if his parents were disappointed in him. Lewis said they were actually very supportive. He said his brother was supporting his habit because he was successful and he'd loan him money.
Lewis said his mom would tell him to marry a doctor if he wasn't going to be one himself. He said she would tell him to go into the medical business in some way. He said she was upset about what he was doing but she'd also defend him when her friends would bad mouth him.
Lewis told Howard he was doing comedy on the side like a hobby and that was even more insane than just going into the business. He said that breaking through that thing where he got to do shows in theaters instead of club was the big break for him.
Lewis said he does like 150 days a year. He said he goes away for like 3 days a week. He's home the rest of the time. Lewis said he'd like to be doing other things out there but he's got managers and agents who are all there for him.
Howard asked about appearing on Comedy Central and how that helped. Lewis said he ended up doing theaters after doing that. He said that they were doing theaters and he loved it. He had a tour bus that he got set up and it was pretty cool. He said he had everything on the tour bus so he's got it made. He said he doesn't own the bus but it's set up for him. Howard asked if he takes a dump on that bus. Lewis said he does but he's not sure who cleans that out. He doesn't want to know.
Lewis said that he's not alone on the bus. He has an agent and a merch person by the name of Lenny Hughes. He said that the guy worked with Howard years ago. Lenny said he sells T-shirts, posters, DVDs and other stuff at the events. He said that they have a lot of overweight women buying that stuff.
Howard asked Lewis about writing jokes and how he keeps topical when he does that. Lewis said it's very easy to open the paper and see a story about a 16 year old girl sailing around the world on her own. He said the first thing that pops to mind is ''who gives a shit?'' but then he can write jokes about the whole thing.
Howard said that it doesn't always work out for people when they get into this business but it worked out for Lewis. Howard asked Lewis about the BP oil spill and what he thinks about that. Howard said he's really angry about it. Lewis said that you go through Haiti and then go through this and Haiti you can rebuild but this is a real mess.
Howard talked to Lewis about this oil spill thing and how they're blaming a bunch of people for what happened. Howard asked who is the person they should be blaming. Lewis said he heard the Dick Cheney thing about the $400,000 piece of equipment that should have been put on but wasn't. He said he read that Haliburton was involved with the concrete cap they put on this thing too and that failed. Lewis said that it seems like they bought up all of the concrete companies and they're the only one left. They talked about how Haliburton seems to like fucking people over all over the place.
Lewis said that the one thing is that we learn things ''after'' and not before stuff happens. Lewis said that after the bridge collapse in St. Louis everyone was checking their bridges the next day. Howard asked if something good will come out of this. Lewis said he's not sure and he's still waiting to see if we ever learn a lesson.
Lewis said that BP is above the law and they act like their own country. He said that we should invade them and take over their building. He said they should grab every dime they have and use it to stop this leak. He said they're attacking us with oil every day and they don't even know how much it is.
Howard asked Lewis about how their generation has been very selfish and how they haven't done anything great with this country. Howard said he dreamed about people from their generation getting into power and making changes. All they've done so far is fuck things up.
Howard said nothing is stable right now and it's almost like we should be invaded. Lewis said it is shocking how screwed up things are right now. He said they haven't even legalized marijuana yet. that should have happened by now. Lewis doesn't even smoke pot now. He said he smoked until he was 25 but it stopped working after that so he gave up.
Howard asked Lewis what this Tea Party thing is. Lewis said he was dreaming of a third party but they're just as insane as the other two. He said they're pushing the republican party and they make shit up. He said that they can't be about that. Howard said they need a fourth party if that's what the Tea Party is all about. Lewis said that everyone screams about how they want less regulation but then when something happens they ask where the government is. He said you can't have it both ways you dicks. Lewis said that we've flipped out completely.
Howard brought up the Helen Thomas story too. Lewis said that she's 89 years old so she doesn't know what she's saying. He said his mother is 91 and she doesn't know what she's saying either. He said they were out in Las Vegas and she said to him out of the blue that he and his brother weren't her idea. She didn't want to have children. It was all his father's idea. Lewis said she looked at him sand said that's probably not something you say to your child. He said you just stop regulating what you say when you get up to that age. That's probably what happened with Helen Thomas. Howard said that it's your ''I hate Jews'' filter that breaks when you get that old.
Howard heard that Lewis' TV special aired the other night but now they're selling his DVD. Lewis said they had 42 minutes of an 80 minute concert so they're selling the DVD. He said they also have a 70 minute documentary. You can get the DVD ''Lewis Black: Stark Raving Black'' tomorrow. He's also going to be doing a DVD signing. Lewis said the last time he did that he had 8 people show up. Lewis said he was wondering what the hell he was doing back then. When he signs books the people come out. He said the DVD may actually sell so he might have people showing up to buy that.
Lewis said he's working on a play now and when that's worked out he'll come back on the show. Lewis said that they won't do his plays but he's got his third book coming out in November.
Howard talked to Lewis about how people say that 60 is the new 40. Lewis said you know that's bullshit. He said that there are people who say they feel better at 60 than they ever have in their life. He said that's bullshit too. You know they're lying about that and there is no way they feel that good.
Howard asked Lewis about these guys who treat him like crap in the business. Lewis said there are guys who work really hard to get to where they are. He said he remembers Larry the Cable Guy when he was Daniel Lawrence Whitney and opening for him with a horrific act. He said he's made it now but he's doing well with a horrific act. He said you can't piss on guys who have worked so hard to get there though.
Lewis told Howard about doing a show at Bonaroo and getting hit in the head with a bottle. He said he doesn't care if he gets hit but he told the audience that they can't be doing that when they do that to the talented people. He said the thing that really pisses him off is that he looks like he's mid-term pregnant in the video of that event.
Howard asked Lewis if he gets upset about people stealing his material. Lewis said he does all of his stuff up on stage and doesn't write it down. He said Howard has to know how that works because he can't write this shit down. Howard said that's true. He doesn't write it down. Lewis said he just shapes it all when he's on stage. Lewis said he did his stand-up special in August and he just takes pieces out and puts new stuff in. He said he works on new stuff all the time.
Howard asked how Jon Stewart worked him into the show. Lewis said that he was there at Comedy Central before Jon was even there. He said they started the show before Jon came around.
Lewis told Howard that he's had a lot of deals over at Comedy Central. He said he had one development deal with David Kelly. He said that he got the call about this pilot that they were working on. He said he didn't believe it. He said he figured they were just making it up. Lewis said he found out it was true and he got the script and it was great. Lewis said they flew him out to have a conversation and David said he didn't have the clout he used to have. Lewis said he left and the next day the Leno and Conan thing exploded and NBC had a bidding war with FOX. He was ready to cock the gun at that time. He said that everyone knew that the Leno and Conan thing was a mistake. He said they gave $39 million to Conan.
Lewis said he was asking for x-amount of money and the show was totally written because of him and built around him. Lewis said that he was going to be in this show and he was going to have to do a ton of work if they picked it up. He said they asked for some money and what he wanted and didn't want to negotiate. He said they offered him half of what he wanted. Lewis said they kept going back and forth and wanted him go to go NBC to have a meeting. He said that he had the whole week to think about it.
Lewis said he told them that they knew what he wanted and he wasn't going to take the deal. Lewis said he didn't want to be treated like that and told David about that. Lewis said that he went out and worked with David to see what it would be like and that was as good as it was going to be. He said that it could only get worse. Lewis said now there's no show. He said David didn't have the clout to get this one actress that he wanted. He said that David was a gentleman about the whole thing. He said that they had that one great day and that was fine with him. He said maybe they'll work on something else some day.
Lewis said that he had already cut in half what he wanted before the network cut it in half again. He said they say that the money isn't what it used to be but NBC just gave Conan $39 million to get rid of him. They could have waited a little while before they started lying to him.
Lewis said that they cast Cathy Bates in this show. He said they wanted a star on the show and he isn't quite there yet. He said they actually went with her and they're going to produce the show with her now.
Howard gave Lewis some more plugs for the DVD and the signing he's doing. Howard talked to Lewis about the Leno and Conan thing. Lewis said that Jay kind of screwed himself by taking that 10 o'clock gig. Howard said he should have gone to another network.
Lewis said that he had a piece that went viral on the internet. He said he did a Glenn Beck thing and he could feel the difference out in the world when that video went viral. He said that he did this bit where he talked about Glenn's Nazi Tourette's. Howard said he watches his show a lot but he's almost doing a history class according to Glenn Beck. He said that everything is Nazi though so he sees what he's talking about. Howard wrapped up with Lewis and gave him some more plugs before going to break.
In the clip Howard read a news story about a man by the name of Riley Martin being arrested on cocaine possession. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that and saying they hope it's not their Riley Martin.
In the clip Robin was reading about John Tesh in the news. She read about his new album and how Cindy Adams was saying that his new album was ''hot.'' Howard said it's hot in her pants but the album is not hot. Robin had a rundown of Tesh's day so she went through that with Howard. Howard also asked Gary to rack up some audio for him to play.
Robin read about Tesh's day and how he works out and things like that in the morning. Then his wife makes breakfast before he drives a half hour to work. Robin said they tape from noon to 1pm. Howard said it sounds like a pretty easy life to him.
Howard was goofing on Tesh about some of the stuff Robin was reading. Robin said his whole day is done by 4:30 in the afternoon. Howard said it sounds like a pretty easy day to him. He said he doesn't have to use his brain at all.
Howard played some audio of John Tesh and his wife Connie Sellecca doing a infomercial about how to keep relationships going. Howard played a little bit of that and goofed on John Tesh about that too. They were talking about when they got married and how important that decision was. Howard kept saying that Tesh has bolts in his neck like Frankenstein. Howard said that Connie is great for him because she carries his giant boots in a wheelbarrow.
Howard kept interrupting the tape to goof on both John and Connie. Howard said he can't imagine that this commercial would be very successful. He said they haven't even been married that long. They were pushing a tape that they had seen about marriage.
Howard played more of the tape and said that there are so many experts on TV now. He said that they all know about something. Howard said he knows a guy who bought every tape there is and now he has no time for work. Howard said he's sure if he had a relationship with Connie he wouldn't need a tape to keep it going. Howard said he's sure he could figure it out. Howard said Connie must be a pain in the ass now that she's found god. They wrapped up a short time later.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:50am.
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This week's Best of the Week was over around 11:50am.