|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
|Please help support MarksFriggin.com by using these sites:|
(Sirius, XM merch and more)
(Just about everything)
Playboy Cyber Club
Howard and the guys were back live after their week long vacation. Howard started the show talking about being back live in New York on Sirius XM, a company that's sometimes one company and sometimes two. Howard welcomed Robin and Fred back and then Benjy. Howard said a lot of people have said to him that with his new schedule he's not there that much. He said he is working though. He said he has two jobs. Howard said he was in Tampa last week working. He said he doesn't really have vacation. He said he's like a Jamaican. He said all he does on the weekend is sleep.
Robin asked how many days he was in Tampa. Howard said he got there on Monday afternoon and he hung out pool side with some NBC people and some America's Got Talent people. Howard said the NBC people seem to pick where they go based on the weather. He said that his agent is the same way. His agent will be in Las Vegas along with everyone else. Howard said he's glad his agent is coming. Howard said he has to go to all of the cities himself.
Howard said he got to Tampa on Monday and went to the pool and went for a run. In the evening he met with Bubba the Love Sponge and Brent. Howard said he heard the entire saga of Bubba and his ex-wife and the new girlfriend. Howard said Bubba kept saying he can tell some of the stuff on the air and some that he can't. He said Bubba can come on and talk about it anytime he wants. Howard said Bubba is now divorced. Robin asked if the story was juicy. Howard said he's not sure what he can say. He said he doesn't want to get involved. Robin asked how many hours it took him to tell the story. Howard said it was two hours. He said Brent had 3 words. He said Bubba calls him his Baba Booey and you can see how sad Brent gets when he says that. He said Bubba will tell a story and ask Brent if he's right and Brent will just say ''yes Bubba.''
Howard said he told Bubba to come down and watch the taping. He said Bubba loved it so much that he came back the second night. Robin said that's the way it's been going lately. She said people have to see it more than once. Howard said he loves Bubba and he misses him. He said both of them are great guys. He said Spice is great too. Howard said Bubba talked about the AGT taping and he loved it and went on about it for 25 minutes. Howard said there are a lot of articles out about the tapings down there too. Robin said she'd like to hear what Bubba has to say.
Howard asked if he sent that stuff to Gary. Gary said he did get it but he told Howard it might be a little long. Howard said maybe they can cut it down to 5 or 10 minutes. Howard said he didn't get the note from Gary. Gary said he sent him a lot of notes over the weekend. Howard said he didn't get anything from him over the weekend. He said maybe there's something wrong with the mail.
,Howard said Bubba was very sweet about the whole thing and even told him he should dump Sirius and go on with the TV show. Howard said he has a contract but if Sirius wants to fire him he's fine with that. He said they're not going to do that. They're going to leave him in the swamp with all of the lawsuits and stuff. He said he thought this was going to be smooth sailing but he was wrong. Robin said they did have a good 5 years Howard said it was actually a good 2 months. He said that his history with this thing goes back. He said it's too hurtful to get into.
Howard played some audio of Sal and Richard interviewing some people on the street asking if they know who the new judge is on America's Got Talent. Only one person knew. Howard said that was in New York too.
One person said they expect someone like Jennifer Lopez to host the show. Howard said she's the worst judge out there. Howard played more of the comments from people who didn't like hearing that Howard Stern would be hosting America's Got Talent. There were a few who were fine with the idea.
Howard got back to the caller and the caller said that Howard has it down and he's doing great as a judge. Howard said the first time he did it he didn't feel at home. He said he is getting the hang of it now. Robin said he was just thrown into the position. Howard said he got more comfortable in St. Louis and Austin. He said he had a blast in Tampa. The caller said he can tell he's having a good time. Howard said there was one taping when he got on stage twice. He tied one guy up. Howard said he and Sharon got into an argument and he told Sharon to shut up. The caller said they have to keep all of this stuff that they did that night.
Howard said he was talking to the director about the editing. Howard said they had some up fronts where they show new shows to the network people. He said they sent him the presentation and it's so great. Howard said these guy edit so beautifully. He said they got a lot in and they're fantastic.
Howard said the director isn't in charge of the editing. Howard said the editors are in England. He said they send the tapes off to England and they do the editing. Howard said every aspect of the show is great. He said they have so much fun and excitement going that they may go longer form this year. He said they shoot 4 shows in each city and they have to work with all of that material. Howard said they have to cut out a lot. He's not sure what they'll actually show.
The caller said they saw Ralph there. Howard said Ralph's mom showed up because she's down in that area. Howard said Ralph asked him not to introduce him to the audience because people would boo him and his mom might not understand why. Howard said he did introduce him the day this caller was there. Howard said one guy yelled out he loves GEEKTIME. Howard said Ralph wished that his mom was there for that one.
The caller said that he was yelling out to Ronnie and Ronnie seems to love it. Howard said this is what Ronnie dreamed of when he started out. Howard said this is what he wants. He said Ronnie is famous and he stands there like a wooden Indian. Howard said Sharon just looks at him like ''who the fuck is this guy?'' Howard said he gets more cheers than Sharon does.
Howard said he heard that some fans didn't get into the taping and he was upset about that. The caller said they do give you a ''maybe'' ticket. Howard wasn't aware of that. Howard said the theater down there was hot and he was sweating a lot. He said he was soaking wet the whole time. He said he must have lost 15 pounds of water weight. Howard said they kept mopping him down and it was wild. He said they don't have air conditioning in some of the venues. Howard said they're going to be at the Hammerstein Ballroom this week. Gary wasn't sure about that. Howard said he's pretty sure and told Robin to just go there.
The caller, Noah, said Howard should do about 5 minutes with the crowd to calm them down. Howard said that he has to get to the act pretty quick so they don't have a lot of time to do that at the start. Howard said he does say hi to the crowd though. Robin said they're in the middle of the show when the crowd comes in.
Noah mentioned that he saw Howard's Purell there at the taping. Howard said he's not as bad as Howie is. He said he is constantly using it but Howie is out of his mind. Howard said Howie flew out there to do the show and he has to fly out to do other shows. Howard said Howie got to the venue at 5:30 in the morning and they don't start shooting until 1:30 in the afternoon. Howard said he asked Howie what happened and he tells him he was there from 5:30 in the morning. Howard said they go until 10 at night.
Howard said Howie loves people but he cant touch them. He said he can't sleep so he can't stay in his hotel room either. Howard said the guy is happy if he's around people and he's the compete opposite. Howard said he closes everyone out.
Gary said he had a discussion with Howie and they were talking about TM and Howie was thinking about doing it. He said Howie said that he hadn't had more than 2 or 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep since he was a teen. Howard said he talked to Howie about his frequent urination and he told him to check into Dr. Sarno. Howard said the guy is a mess. He said he's such a nice guy though and you feel bad for him. Howard said Howie really suffers.
Howard said they got to Tampa and they were going to have them on a boat waving to the crowd. Howard said he felt that was kind of arrogant. Howard said he hates boats. He said he's learned to hate everything. He said they had them on a yacht and they were all in the cabin. He said they were going to do it anyway but he didn't want to do it. Howard said they were waving to people everywhere.
Howard said it sounds like the queen of England or the Beatles or something. Howard said they thought it was better than a car ride. He said the boat ride was going to be 45 minutes long. He said he signed up to be a judge and not on a boat. He said the Howard TV guys had some video of it. Howard said he was standing next to Sharon and yelling into a megaphone. He said he was saying ''I'm very wealthy'' into that megaphone.
Howard said he was saying ''People of Earth... How are you?'' like Yoko Ono. Howard said no one knew what the hell he was doing.
Howard said Howie was at the front of that yacht doing the swan thing from Titanic. He said they did their waving and then they went back. Howard said he didn't want to do the promo they're shooting on Friday but he has to do it. He said they told him he had to work 31 days but he thinks he's already worked more than that.
Howard said he isn't slacking off when he's on ''vacation'' these days. He said you'll get your entertainment come May. Howard said he's glad Robin is going to come by to see the tapings. Howard said he imagines it'll be wild.
Another caller said that the tapings were great and it was almost like a religious experience. He said that he usually hates these talent shows but it made him feel great seeing it. Howard said it's not all musicians so that's one way it's great. He said that the judges are great too. He said they can really blast people. Howard said Sharon did something wild. He said that she was lecturing the mother of a child and it was really good. He said that she has the right since she's a judge. Howard said that Robin will agree with her if she sees this.
Howard said he was watching American Idol and they called in Jimmy Iovine. Howard said he should be a permanent Judge on that show. Howard said they had to do that because the three judges aren't judging. Howard said on AGT they are judging. He said all three of them are good judges.
The caller said he felt that Howard was running the show and he felt that he was telling Sharon and Howie how to do things right. Howard said he's really not. He said he's just a very powerful individual. Howard said he's a take charge kind of guy. He said he's not telling them what to do. He said everyone has figured out their role on the show and he likes the mix. Howard said Howie comes up with great lines and he interacts with the talent very well. He said Sharon is like the mother superior. Howard said he's the judge that everyone agrees with and he's the voice of reason. The caller agreed.
The caller said that he felt bad for Howie sitting there with no hair and Howard with a giant mop of hair. Howard said he thinks the opposite. He said he likes that Howie is free and clear. He said he doesn't think he's jealous for a minute.
Howard said they work on his hair more than they do with Sharon's. Howard said Toni is there working on his hair and they're constantly working on make up on his face. He said they have to keep him dolled up. He said it's like a pit stop with a race car driver. Howard said they have to construct around him after almost every act. He said it's a little annoying. Howard said they take him from a 34 to a 47 on the ugly meter with that work.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was at the tapings too. He said there are a lot of Stern Fans at the tapings. He said that one woman got up and yelled out ''Four inches is fine!'' Howard said that was very good. He said that he's going to miss the audience being there when they go to Las Vegas. He said they don't have an audience there.
Howard said he thought it was weird having the audience there but by the time he got to St. Louis he was loving it. Howard said it pumps you up and gives you energy. He said that it feels really good. Howard said the judges are going to have to narrow down the number of acts to 40 while they're in Vegas. He said it's going to be a lot of long days out there.
The caller said that people were yelling out recent Stern show references like Ronnie is a zero and he just stands there. He said it was great when people would boo Ralph too. The caller said getting to see Howard was one of the greatest things to happen to him. He thanked Howard for that. Howard thanked him too.
Howard said he went back stage and his mother in law said he's the mean judge on the show. Howard said she called him Simon Cowell but he told her that he was Simon Cowell before there was a Simon.
Howard said he thinks they should put him on every talent show like this. He said he's a professional judge now. Robin said that they should put him on the supreme court too. Howard said they really should.
Howard said he really loves Sharon. He said she's such a lady. He said Robin is a lady too. Howard said Robin and Sharon are ladies. He said Sharon always asks about Robin too. He said that she asks if she has a boyfriend and he tells her she has to ask Robin. Robin said she just wants to be left alone.
Howard asked Robin what she's been up to lately. Robin said she's been working on her cook book. She said she had a gathering and made a butternut squash soup and some other vegetarian meals for her group. Robin told Howard about some of the things she was making. She said she has 60 or 70 recipes. Robin said people loved what she made too. She said they looked a little scared before they ate. She said they stormed the kitchen for seconds too. She said it's nice to have people appreciate your food.
Robin said she's been working with a cook on the recipes. She said that the book should be out by the end of the year. Fred played her theme music behind her as she was talking to Howard about all of this.
Robin said she asked Gary to be a tester for her food. Howard did his impression of Gary asking for shrimp for a few seconds.
Howard said he doesn't know how to say no so he told Sharon he'd do it. He said he thinks he'll be on that show too. He said it will be awkward since he works with her. Howard said that will be way after the other appearances. Howard said Ellen Degeneres asked him to do her show too but she's out in L.A. so he won't be doing that. Howard said he would have liked to have done that. He said he wants to do Kimmel's show too but he wants to sit in on the show.
Howard said he just did Letterman so he's skipping that. Robin said they'd probably love to have him do it. He said he's looking forward to doing The View. He said he likes that Elisabeth. He said he wishes that she'd just walk around in hot outfits. He said that she can yell at him and he won't even care. He said that she's lovely.
Howard said he thinks he could get Barbara. He said that she'd probably kill him with her snappin' gyro. Robin asked if he's okay with Whoopi. Howard said he's not sure where he stands with Whoopi. He said it's hard to tell with her. Howard said he would like it if she was mad at him and didn't talk to him. He said he has had some things to say about her over the years and she may not like some of that stuff. Howard said she was defending Roman Polanski he can't stand for that. He said that he's not a phony and he's not going to agree with everything she does. Howard said he does like Whoopi though. Robin said she's supposed to be on Glee soon. Howard said that's not acting.
Tommy brought up Mike Wallace dying. Howard said he was 93 and he did have a long life but he was sad when he read he had died. Robin said that there's a time when you get to an age where you just don't go out. Howard said Mike invented the ambush type of interview. He said that he'd go out and interview people and ask them if they were selling shit and then chase after them. He said his interviews were fantastic.
Tommy asked who Howard thinks will go next. Howard and Benjy ended up talking about Chris Wallace who is Mike's son. Howard said Benjy sent him a note saying Chris didn't get to know his father until he was 14 years old. He said that he just came in and took over after 14 years. Howard said Gary didn't know that Chris was Mike's son. Howard said he had to tell Gary that the Kennedy's were related too.
Tommy said one of the most underused things on the channels is Master Tape Theatre. He said they had that Sam Kinison special and that was great but they had a great Master Tape show the other day. He said they have a lot of dead people on the shows. He said they had some classic Artie and great stuff with Robin and Fred too. Howard told Tim that's a programming note for him. Fred played a clip of Tim saying ''This is the greatest show on earth'' and ''How about the shit show?''
Andrea said she's coming in on Wednesday and Thursday. She said she's part of the Stern Facebook Superfans group and they're all positive people. She said that SFN has the worst comments and the Facebook fans are great. Howard said he really does hate the SFN stuff. Gary came in and said he doesn't even go on the site anymore. Howard said his Twitter fans are even worse. Andrea said that the 8,000 fans are great. Howard said it's only 8,000 though.
Gary told Howard about the date they went on with Rob Lowe. He said they were the only people in the restaurant. He said that Judd Nelson showed up later. He said that Andrea went to the bathroom and then Rob went. He said that Andrea looked shell shocked and she told him that Rob wanted her to give him a hummer in the hallway. Andrea said that she didn't want to do that and she didn't want a dirty cock in her mouth. Howard said it was Rob Lowe's cock though. Howard said she could have jerked him off or something. She said it was 1988 and it was just not what she was into. She said she did think about it though.
Andrea told Howard about going to dance in the corner at the restaurant. She said she did grab his package and ass and he was hard at the tine. Gary said he remembers the dancing and he was pressing her against the wall. He said Rob would turn around and look to see what he and Judd were doing. He said that Rob doesn't' want to deal with this stuff these days. He said he just doesn't want to talk about all of this.
Gary said Andrea won the dial-a-date and it took like a year and a half to set up the date. Gary said Andrea called him and said that if she didn't' get the date in a month she'd go to People magazine. He called the publicist and they set him up for the next Tuesday.
Andrea asked if she could be on the VIP list for America's Got Talent. Gary said she has regular seats and she wants VIP. Howard said that he heard her say she got fat. She said she is kind of fat. Howard asked Gary if she was cute back in the day. Gary said she was a little chunky back then. Andrea said she's going to all four shows. Howard told her to introduce herself. She said she would but she knows that he'll talk about how fat she is.
Howard told Andrea that he can't get her in with VIP tickets. She's got tickets to all four shows already though. Gary told her to get him when she gets there and he'll see what he can do.
Gary said that dial-a-date was the weirdest thing he every did. He said that Rob could have had any chick he wanted but she was there for him so he was ready to bang her. He said the guy could have had any girl he wanted. Howard said he remembers that sex tape he had and how big his cock was. He said it may not have been thick but it was long. Gary said he thinks he's embarrassed by that stuff these days since he has two sons now. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he's way behind already. they went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said this is one of the world's longest intros for a song. He did his WNBC announcer voice as he talked up the song. Howard said the intro is like 2 minutes long. Robin said this is like an opus. Howard introduced the song as everyone from WNBC back when he was there until the song started.
Howard said he hated those talk ups. He said that Pig Virus told him that he could be better with the talk ups. He said that they wanted them to talk over the whole song. He said Pig Virus is still in the business after all of that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Howard said that she's got an iPad and maybe it's time to some in with paper again. He said that she's constantly playing with it. Howard said he just finished the first season of The Killing and he loved it. He said it was fantastic. Howard said iTunes had Private Parts in HD too. He said that he watched that too. Howard said he liked The Killing last season but they didn't' have an ending last season. Gary said they say this season they'll resolve everything. Gary said that they didn't resolve the killing and people were pissed with the final episode last season. Howard said the new season is on and you can get the first to episodes for free. Gary said that if they don't have something happening by episode 4 this season he may bail out.
Howard said he loves Steve Jobs. He said that guy changed the world. He said he loves his iPhone and iPad and all of that stuff.
Gary asked Howard if he liked The Wire. Howard said he liked it but didn't love it. Howard said he liked the first season and he's got the second one. Robin asked if he watched Game of Thrones. Howard said Ralph got a hold of him and told him he wouldn't like it. Gary said he thinks he will love it. Robin agreed. Howard said he's in it then.
Howard said he slept like a teenager this weekend. He said he went to bed at 9 and woke up at 9. Howard said he's so out of it. He said he's like the Walking Dead. He said he's a zombie lately.
Howard said the Howard TV guys say they never have money to do anything. He said he was doing America's Got Talent in Tampa and he looks over and sees Doug Goodstein, Rachel Fine and Richie Wilson. Ronnie tells him they're doing Fine Time with Bubba down there. Howard said he blew a smoke stack out of his head. He said that they're on vacation in Tampa shooting that stuff and they say they don't have a budget. Doug came in and said that they've been covering all of the arrivals at AGT. Howard wadi they get local crews for that. Doug said it costs about $1,000 to $1,500. Howard asked what they were doing down there then. Doug said they shot down there for a couple of days. Howard said he thought they had no money. Doug said the money is well managed. He said that it was a very practical trip. He said it was maybe $2,500. He said they got a Bubba Studio tour. They did a Fine Time with Brent and one with Bubba. He said that's 3 separate elements. He said that they shot Howard's big arrival down in Tampa too. He said the next morning they went home. they didn't do any vacationing.
Doug told Howard that he is hooked on this AGT thing now. He said he had only seen a little bit of the show in the past but now he's hooked. He told Howard he's not just blowing smoke but Robin said he is too. Robin said he's trying to distract Howard from the subject that they were talking about. Howard said he likes hearing this so he's fine with that.
Doug said they went to dinner with Ronnie and Ralph one night and Howie Mandel was there. He said this was at 11:30 at night and he was up since 5:30 in the morning. Howard said the guy isn't human.
Doug said that there is no blowing money. He said it was 100% work. He said they were in and out and it was two quick days. That's it. Howard said he thought shenanigans were afoot. Howard said he thought they had no money. Doug said it was very low expense.
Howard said Doug is off the hook for praising him. Robin asked if Howard 100 is covering any of this. Lisa said they are. Howard said they don't have a budget. Lisa said she hopes that they'll be there this week. She said that she hopes that they can get in. She told Howard not to get her started.
Howard said that he loves doing this radio show with his Robin. He said he thinks that one year of this AGT thing is going to be enough. Robin said that he could be a huge sensation. Howard said he's exhausted already. He said they promised him that they'd move the show to New York. He said they did that but they actually moved the show to Newark. He said he has to drive over there for 45 minutes to an hour. He said on a traffic night it's going to be like an hour. Howard said the show starts at 8 or 9 at night. Howard said everyone is doing their thing and they do what they want to do. Howard said they promised him that they'd make it convenient.
Howard said they told him they'd get things wrapped up in Vegas on a Saturday. He said they told him ''no problem.'' Now they need him until Saturday afternoon. Howard said they told him that Nick is going to be renewing his vows with Mariah Carey. Howard said he just wants to go home. He said that's evidently very important.
Howard said he needed something quick and that's just not happening with Newark. Howard said he's sick over the whole thing. Robin said he'll be flying to Newark. Howard said he told them to move the show to New York and maybe they heard ''Move the show to Newark.'' Howard said the theater will be nice and maybe he'll have some fun with it.
Howard said he had some audio of Bubba talking about the tapings. Howard played some of that audio. Bubba was talking about why he went and how surprised he was when he saw the taping. Bubba said Howard has chemistry at the judging table. He said that Howard steps up everyone's game. He said Howie is more loose and Howard is brilliant and amazing. Bubba said Howard is the glue that holds the show together. Brent agreed with him. Brent said the pop that Howard gets when he comes on is very telling.
Howard said Howie and Sharon are great though. Robin said they didn't say anything bad about them. Howard played more of the audio. Bubba was talking about how great Howard was. He said he just went to support his friend Howard and he was taken back by how good of a time he had there. Bubba said that they have two years of data for ratings and the only thing that has changed is the one judge.
Howard cut the tape off and said that they get the idea. Gary said Bubba predicts a 40 percent jump in ratings. Howard said that this is going to be his year. Robin said that people will be thanking him and he's just going to own show business. Howard asked when this is going to start happening. Lisa said that it's live in July.
Howard asked Lisa what she has. Lisa said they have a story about Jon Hein getting his own TV show. Howard said he heard about that. He said he talks about fast food. The show is called ''Fast Food Mania'' and it'll be on a Discovery Network channel. Lisa said that Jason won't be part of the show and he's said that Jon let him know after the fact that this show was auditioning and things like that. Gary said that it was an open casting call. Robin asked why Jason is upset because it's not Jon's responsibility to tell him about it. Howard said it sounds different than the radio show and Jon just went down and gave it a shot.
Jason came in and said he agrees with Howard. He said he never said that Jon screwed him. Jason said he'd like to think that he'd tell Jon that he was going to a casting call. Howard said maybe Jon didn't want to compete. Howard said that's like Robin telling him that he should tell her when he's going in for AGT. Howard said that's not Jon's job. Jason said he's not upset with Jon. He said Jon doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do.
Robin asked Jason if he would really tell Jon if he was going to a casting call. Jason said he is feeling kind of jealous. He said he's not mad at Jon though. He said that he spoke to Shuli for 30 minutes and he pulled 3 quotes.
Jason said that Jon doesn't enjoy fast food like most American's do. He said that he eats hamburgers with nothing on them. Nothing. Howard said he thinks that Jason wouldn't be upset if the show was about cars instead of food.
Jon said that his agent called him and told him about this open audition. Benjy said that he told Jason about the audition because it was on Craigslist. Jason said that was after Jon had already told him about it. Jon said he did feel kind of bad about getting the show but it's really not the same as their radio show. Jon said he got the job and he's really looking forward to it. He said he doesn't put a lot of stuff on the food like Jason said but he does eat a lot of fast food.
Howard said that Jason was also saying he has a problem with Jon because he has diabetes. Jason said he never said that. Howard said he heard it. Howard said Jason thinks that it's disgusting that Jon has Diabetes and he's doing a fast food show.
Howard asked if Jason lost a few pounds. Jason said he did lose 10 pounds. He said he's also wearing his pants a little differently. Jason said he's just being honest about his feelings. He said it's not as fun to do the radio show now that Jon is doing this. Jon asked ''What radio show?'' He was just kidding and said they're doing a show at the end of this month and they're two different things.
Jon said he understands how Jason is feeling. Howard said the show will probably come and go and Jon will fail probably. Jon said they're launching a network with the show. Howard said those shows tend to go away. Jason said it's the same network that brought us the OWN network. Jon said that is right. Howard said the show isn't going to take over the country.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Jason that they don't want a Gomer Pyle sounding, manatee looking guy on TV. Jason said that's right but they did end up hiring Jon.
Jason is also thinking that they got the idea for this show from listening to the show. Jon said that they did have this show in development for a couple of years and they may have been inspired by what they did but they didn't just call him and Jason to come in and do it. IF they really wanted them they would have made the call directly to them.
Howard let Jon and Jason go. Lisa said that the staffers are a buzz about Jon's publicity photo. He has a full head of hair. Howard said that's right. He asked to see a copy of it. Jon said it was in USA Today. The Howard TV guys put it up. Jon had a full head of hair and a new color. Howard said that they must have photoshopped it in. Howard said he did some stuff with America's Got Talent and they didn't Photoshop him at all. Howard said he had to ask them to do some photoshopping.
Howard asked who took his photo. Jon said that they did it down in Louisville. Howard said he doesn't look right. He said they did some weird shadowing. Robin said they're acting like he shot a picture of himself. Howard said there's a big, black shadow on his neck. Robin said she thinks they did that on purpose. Howard said no. He said he's a photographer and he knows.
Howard had Jason's news report to play. He said he hopes it gets right to the point. Jason said that Jon is a shark and talked about how he dresses nerdy. He said that you just don't get in his way and you have to have a sense of not caring. Jason said that they have to put aside the fact that he's a type 2 diabetic and that he doesn't put any toppings on his food. He said he has no complaints and Jon is right up there with Paula Deen.
Howard asked Jon what he thinks about that. Jon said it's super passive aggressive and he's clearly hurt. Jon said he just showed up and got the gig. He said he didn't hurt Jason. Robin said Jason just knows that there's a fast food show going on and it's going on without him.
Jason said he went on Twitter and told people that he had just done the most passive aggressive interview. He knew it was going to be bad.
Howard said one of his favorite shows on the channel is the show that they do together. Jason said they have an interview with the head of Taco Bell that they'll be playing during their upcoming show.
Lisa said that the Ugly Meter App is selling like crazy. She said that Ronnie hasn't been able to shake his 0 rating. They say that Ronnie wasn't targeted to get that 0 score though. Howard said he wanted to play that song parody about the 0 rating. It was Little Mikey's parody to the tune of ''My Hero'' by the Foo Fighters.
Lisa said that Gary is going to be on the cover of an AIDS magazine soon. She said that Sal took off last Friday for Foreskin Friday in honor of Good Friday. She mentioned a couple of other quick things and then Howard went to break.
Howard came back and sang along with the Ramones song a little bit. Robin was laughing at his singing. Howard didn't know all of the lyrics so he was just making noises. Robin said he was all over the place with that.
Howard said that is a great band. He started singing again and said he really doesn't know the lyrics to any song. He said he just can't retain the lyrics. Robin said that's how many people relate to music. Howard said he doesn't pay attention to the lyrics. He said that he loves any Beatles song or Crosby Stills and Nash song. He doesn't know the lyrics though. Howard started singing a Beatles song, ''A Day in the Life,'' and he knew a lot of the lyrics but not all of them. Then he started singing ''Blackbird'' and he knew most of those.
Robin said she was reading about John Lennon and what a tortured man he was. Robin said that he was upset about people camping out on his lawn thinking he had some special message for them. She said he would go out and talk to those crazy people and tell them it was just a song and it had nothing to do with them.
Howard said he had the J-Lo tape that he asked for. He said that he hates to criticize other judges but it's unbelievable to him. Howard said she laughs at herself constantly and she's just fucking annoying. Howard said she's very good looking but she's got to stop rolling around in her videos. Robin said that most of them don't start that until it's already over.
Howard played the clip from Wednesday night's American Idol. J-Lo was laughing for no apparent reason. She would say something and then laugh at her own comments even though they weren't funny. Howard said he's not sure what's funny. He said if he did something like that he'd be thrown off the stage.
Howard played more of J-Lo laughing at herself and said that he goes nuts when he hears that. J-Lo was laughing at everything she said. Howard said it's no wonder Steven doesn't say anything. He said she won't shut up. Robin said Steven doesn't even finish his sentences.
Robin said J-Lo will tell people they're beautiful when she doesn't want to bad mouth anyone. Howard said she just cracks herself up. He did an impression and Fred played clips of Gilbert Gottfried laughing.
Howard said that he saw Kim Kardashian on the Today Show talking about going on a date with Kanye West. Howard said she was on the show and they asked her about this date. She didn't want to talk about it. Howard said as soon as her TV show ratings go down she will talk about any of this stuff. Howard played some audio of her interview on the Today show. She was being asked about the Kanye West date and Kim was laughing like J-Lo. Kim said she doesn't read what's happening online. She said she does Instagram though. Robin didn't even know what that meant. JD told them that it's basically taking pictures of yourself. He said he's not even sure what it's all about.
Howard played more of Kim Kardashian not talking about this Kanye West date. The interviewer asked her about something Kanye said about her. Howard cut it off and asked what this woman is supposed to interview her about if she's not willing to talk about her life. He said he'd be pissed. Kim would just say that she liked Kanye's song. Howard said it's so annoying.
Howard said he hates Rihanna now. He said she was seen leaving Ashton Kutcher's apartment and she was at a press conference and some woman was lathering her ass up about something and when she asks her about Ashton Kutcher Rihanna gets a look on her face like someone just shit in the room. He said she's just a singer and she's lucky to have anyone at her press conference. Howard played that audio where this reporter tells Rihanna about how great she thinks her movie will be and then asks about Ashton. Rihanna said that was a very disappointing question and didn't answer it. It was a very simple question.
Howard said that Rihanna could have just said she's not dating him or she is dating him or whatever. Howard said she didn't have to get so defensive. He said it would be so refreshing if she just spoke honestly.
Howard said at least Rihanna can sing. Kim Kardashian does nothing. Howard went off on J-Lo laughing constantly too. He said that if they put the Sybian in there while she was laughing maybe it would make sense. Howard had Fred play some buzzing sounds so it made sense when she laughed. Howard said that as the Sybian. He said this really makes no sense.
Howard said he wishes the boys would have called back so they would suspend the show. Howard asked why they didn't do that. Sal said they felt bad. Howard said there's no room feeling bad around there. Richard said that it's their whole life for some of the people who listen to the show. He said they listen to so much of that show and they hear the people that call in. Howard said that they should have called in. He said they could have taken down the whole network. Richard said they didn't want to get in trouble. Howard said they should have done it.
Sal said they didn't want to push the guy too far. He said they felt they had enough to create that phony phone call. Howard said he would have called that one ore time. Howard said this is just a radio show and anyone has the right to do whatever they want. Howard said he's kind of proud of them for not doing something really dumb. Richard said they do have a tiny bit of common sense. Howard asked how that happened.
Richard said they hear the same people calling into that show day after day. He said that's their whole life. Richard said some people call in to say hi and then hang up. Sal said they are taking some of those voices of those callers to make their calls. He said they've been working on this for months. Richard said they have drops of the guy and they've been working on it. Howard told them to get out of there and get working on that now. He said they should have thought of that a year ago.
Howard had some audio of Urkel breaking down. He played the audio and Brooke Burke asking Jaleel White (Urkel) when he breaks down crying. Howard was goofing on Brooke too because she has such a weird delivery when she's reading her lines.
Howard talked about how there were a few shows in the 70s that washed up actors would go on all the time. That's what this show is like. Howard made fun of Jaleel crying and how this is the only thing he has going on and that's why he's so upset. Howard said he wasn't even sure what he was rambling about in the beginning of that clip. He said when he starts crying he sounds like Mike Gange. Howard asked if anyone knew what he was talking about.
Howard had JD come in to explain what was going on. JD said that Jaleel had an alter ego on the show that wasn't nerdy like Urkel. He said the character's name was Stephan Urkel. He said he's not sure what the Mickey Mouse reference was in the clip. JD said he thinks that Jaleel was saying that people saw him in a different light when he played that alter ego character and this show is similar in some way.
Howard replayed the clip but he still had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. Howard said there's nothing like crying in front of your hangers on... or friends. Howard said he would like to do a reality show about Urkel and his entourage. He said he bets that he has a bunch of tough black guys hanging around him. Robin said he couldn't be with people like that. Howard said he thinks that would be a great reality show if he is hanging out with guys like that.
Howard said it would be awesome if he was hanging out with 5 black Muslims with bow ties. He said he can see him hanging out with guys like that. Howard said he's welcome to come in with his entourage if he wants to.
Howard said he had audio of Senator Arlen Specter getting pissed at some radio host who made him sit through two commercial breaks. Howard played that clip and Arlen was talking about how insulting it was to have him on and make him sit through two commercial breaks and not even plug his book. Arlen said he told him last time h wasn't going to do that again. Arlen said he's as experiences as he is and he's going to say goodbye. The host said this was the most intolerant guest he's ever had on the show.
Howard said that was from the Jason Lewis show. He said it actually sounds pretty good. He said if he keeps fighting with his guests it's great.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she's really excited about the tapings and she's making signs for the fans. She said she was going to make a Jack Mayhoffer sign for the fans to hold up. Howard said no one wants to see that. He hung up on her when she started to get too excited.
Howard said when you get up to speak at a public meeting people will write their names down to be invited up to speak. Howard said someone wrote down a bunch of names in Toronto. He played the audio of this guy asking people to speak. He would ask them to come up and speak and no one would respond. Some of the names were Anita Dicksman, Heywood Yablome, Isaac Cox, Fu King, Anita Whore, Ima Moronic something or other.
Howard said that the guy must have been excited to get people to speak and then no one shows up. Howard laughed and made up some more goofy names that the guy could have read. Howard said that was a pretty good clip and he should play that at the start of the show for years.
Howard said he already talked about the Bubba stuff. Robin said she heard about the divorce and they had to talk about their income. Robin said that he has a pretty air tight pre-nup so he doesn't have to pay Alimony. Howard said he can't talk about that stuff but Bubba sure can tell a great story. Howard said they will have some good stuff from down there in Tampa. He said Howard TV will have a lot of coverage.
Howard said that Beth was going to stop off and get a manicure and pedicure. He said she went to do that and he figured he'd just be on his iPhone and answer email. Howard said Beth complains about his nails scratching her so he decided to get a manicure. He said he thought he would never do that. He said he asked Beth if he would be laughed at in the salon. Beth said there would be other guys but when he went in there were no other dudes. Howard said they have all Korean women and one dude working there. Howard said Beth told him that he wanted a Mani-Pedi. Howard said it was so embarrassing but he really did want one. He said he doesn't know how to cut his nails.
Howard said Beth complains about him not knowing how to do it and she's right. Howard said he thought he'd be sitting next to Beth but she went and sat somewhere else. Howard said he sat in a big massage chair. Howard said the guy looked at him and asked if he wanted a massage. Howard said no but the chair started vibrating. He said it was so uncomfortable. Howard said he felt like he was dying.
Howard said he took off his shoes and socks. He said he didn't know what was going on. He said he wasn't able to relax in the chair. He said the woman asked what he wants. He said he just wanted his toe nails cut and filed down. He said the woman could barely speak English. She stuck his feet in a tub and he was afraid he was going to get some kind of athlete's foot. He asked for no solution in the water but she put it in anyway. He didn't want cream on his foot but she put that on too. Howard said she didn't have any idea what they were saying.
Howard said the woman clipped and filed and his toes looked so beautiful. Howard said they put lotion on and his feet were gushing with it in his socks. Howard said he just wanted them clipped.
Howard said he went over toe the manicure station and got his manicure. He said he was joking around with the women there and telling them he needed one because he's a judge on TV. They had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard said he told the women that he was working two jobs so he knew what working hard is like. Howard said he feels compelled to talk to people there. Howard said they don't even want to talk. He said they just say they have to work for money.
Howard said the woman clipped and filed his fingernails. The woman asked if he wanted ''shiny buff.'' Howard asked Beth if he wanted that. He said that's when they rub your fingernails until they're kind of shiny. Howard said he didn't want polish on them. He said he thinks that he said no shiny buff but they did it anyway. Howard said he said no to everything but they did it all anyway.
Howard said the woman pulled out this buffing thing and his nails ended up shining like they had polish on them. He said it wasn't good. Howard said he thought they had put something on them but it was just shiny from buffing. Howard said he didn't know about this shiny buff. He said the bill was like $37 and he gave a $20 tip. He said the woman tried to put his shoes and socks on for him. He said he was just happy to get out of there.
Howard said he was looking at his shiny buff the whole walk home. Howard said people were going to be staring at his hands in Tampa. Howard said he figured he was going to look like a sissy man. Howard said Beth told him that women like that look. Howard said it's very woman-ish. Beth told him that women will appreciate it though.
Howard said he was sparkling from this shiny buff. He said he loved it though. Howard said he came home and said he might need another manicure. Howard said Beth said they can go every 2 weeks. Howard said he got home and saw there was some length on them so he went back. Howard said it was just a week.
Howard said Beth's favorite thing is to get a Mani-Pedi and now she's got him going along with her. Howard said he's not sure he'd go off on his own. Howard said he got the Mani-Pedi and he skipped the shiny buff and now he misses it. He said his nails look dull now. He said he's going to go every week from now on.
King of All Blacks called in and said he gets the nail polish. He said that it's a liquid shine. Howard said that's very feminine. King said that he won't get the shiny buff. King said that some places use a buff and some use a thing on the bottom of your foot. Howard said he asked for them not to do that.
Gary asked if he got his feet waxed. Howard said he didn't. Robin said it's not a hair removal thing, it's a moisture thing.
Gary said they used to work with a guy who used clear nail polish. He said that they'd tell the guy it was very gay but he didn't think it was. Howard said he knows there are guys who use that clear polish and it's way too feminine.
King said that you can bring your own polish to the salon. He told Howard he should get his eyebrows tweezed too. Howard said they do that at AGT for him. He doesn't need to get it done at the salon. Fred played clips of George Takei laughing at Howard's nail polishing.
Howard played the audio of Eric's appearance on In Plain Sight. Howard said they had him all slumped over in that chair and it's no wonder he can barely speak. Howard replayed the clip from the start and goofed on Eric's delivery and said that people who don't know who he is must be wondering what's wrong with the sound. Howard kept rewinding and restarting the clip so they could hear all of Eric's lines.
Howard played every line a couple of times and said they have to get him way more roles. Howard said he wishes he was with Robin when she watched that show. Robin was cracking up. Howard said Eric is like the penguin when he gets to that ''Crap, don't let the bunnies out'' line. Howard said Eric was on for 41 seconds there. He was on for another 23 at the end of the show. Howard played that clip too. He and Robin were goofing on Eric's delivery.
Howard said Eric is playing a spicy character there. He said ''crap'' twice in that episode. Howard said they need an Eric the Actor film festival where they watch all of his work.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was at one of the tapings in Tampa and they saw one of the acts where the boy and girl danced to the Black Eyed Peas song. Howard said he doesn't want to talk too much about it. The caller wanted his take on the whole act. Howard said they should wait for the show. That's the one where Sharon lectured the mom. The caller said she wanted to hear Howard's take on it. Howard said that they keep that for their show and he doesn't want to ruin it for them.
Howard took a call from Debbie the Pet Lady who cursed Howard out and said that she wants her fucking money. She said that she's sick of them fucking her over. She said they should just keep plugging that piece of shit Eric. Howard hung up on her. He didn't even respond to her ramblings. Howard tried to take another call but said maybe he should just take a break. They went to break a short time later.
Jon mentioned Robin's cook book and that led to Howard and Fred doing their Gary impressions talking about taste testing Robin's food. Jon mentioned Howard's Mani-Pedi too. Howard asked if Jon had ever done one. Jon said he hasn't. Fred said he hasn't had one either. He said he's not sure he could handle it. He said he hates people touching his hands. Howard said his nails are rough and scratch Beth so he needed it.
Howard said he'd like to have a high IQ. He said Robin ended up with both. Howard said that guys care about some cleavage. He said they don't all care about huge boobs. He said that women can have a flat chest and huge nips and it's sexy for a night. Howard said he knows when a woman is dressed up and you see cleave it really fills out the figure nicely. Robin said that Howard wouldn't be able to handle Kim Kardashian in his life for five seconds. Howard said that's why he picked Beth.
Howard said he knows really smart guys who have shitty lives. Robin told him to name one. Howard said that Steven Hawking is one.
Howard said there was a Baba Booey yell out at the Masters tournament. He said you have to listen carefully. He played the audio and it was pretty clear. Robin missed it. Howard said you really have to listen carefully.
Robin read about how Whitney Houston's autopsy report is out and they say that she had scald marks on her face from the water in the tub she was in. Howard said they say she was almost boiled. Howard said they say she had scars all over her body from breast implants and stuff too. Robin said she had burns and all kinds of marks on her body. They say she had 11 missing teeth, one needle mark, a hole in her nose from coke and more. Howard said she had the looks of a model and she had big titties and she could sing like an angel. He said she just pissed it all away.
Howard said a woman can fool you with their look when they cover it up with clothes. Howard said they say that Whitney wore a wig and everything was fake on her. Howard said that ain't hot.
Robin said they say that Lindsay Lohan may be up to her old tricks. She said that she allegedly got into a fight at a club and she's on probation so she could get into trouble. Howard said he hates clubs and he doesn't get that. He said Lindsay is all about the club, the club, the club. Howard said she loves going to clubs and it's just crazy. He said she could find something else to do with her life. Howard said he used to go to the clubs looking for women but it wasn't worth it.
Howard and Robin talked about what it must be like when Lindsay goes to the clubs and gets bottle service and stuff like that. Howard said he imagines her killing herself the first time she doesn't get bottle service at a club.
Robin read about Amanda Bynes getting into some trouble. Robin said she got pulled over for a DUI. Robin said that happened on Friday morning. She's only 26 years old. Howard said she had it all.
Robin read about a group of history buffs that are going on a cruise that will retrace the Titanic route. Howard said that's kind of morbid. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Robin read about the cruise ship that's going on this trip. Robin said they say that about 50 on board are descended from the passengers on the Titanic. Robin said she was hoping that this one would hit an iceberg and go down like the Titanic. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break.
After the break, around 9:50am, Howard came right back and had Robin get to her news. Robin read about Mike Wallace dying on Saturday at the age of 93. Robin said he was surrounded by family. Howard said he read about how he stated out as the voice of the Green Hornet. Howard asked Gary where that article was. Gary said it was in his pile of stuff. Howard said he can't find it. Gary had to come in and look for it. Howard found it but he also played some audio of Mike talking to Malcolm X. Howard read about Mike Wallace and how he was treated for depression a few times in his life. He once tried to end his life with sleeping pills after the General Wesmorland interview went wrong. Howard read a few other things that were mentioned in that article. Howard said the guy started out as a game show guy and the announcer of Green Hornet. He somehow worked his way into being a reporter. Gary said he hosted that show ''Biography'' for a long time too. Robin had some audio from last night's 60 Minutes show where they talked about Mike's time on the show. That led to the guys talking about who might be next dying. Howard said Morley Safer is 80. He said he's a spring chicken compared to the other guys.
Robin read about a guy who died over the weekend. His name is Thomas Kincaid and he was known as the painter of light. Robin said that the paintings would change based on the lighting in the room. Robin said he died on Friday and he was only 54 years old. They say that his paintings are hanging in an estimated 1 out of 20 homes in the United States. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a kid in China who sold his kidney. She said they're looking for the people who are trading in human organs in China.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who asked if Superman has a life span. Howard said he does. He said he's not sure how long it is. Howard and Speech spent a minute talking about that. They were talking about his blood color. Howard was also saying that our blood is blue until it hits oxygen. Robin said that's just not right. Howard said he studied this and he knows.
Robin read about how the Easter Bunny was arrested for illegal possession of narcotics. Robin read about how he was at a mall acting suspicious. Robin said that you don't know who is dressed up in these costumes. Robin said he had pills that he didn't have a prescription for. Howard said Beavis and Butt-Head should be doing stuff like that. He said they should be getting high and doing stuff like that. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about the Pope's big day yesterday. Robin had some audio of him speaking. Howard said this is why kids don't want to go to church. He said they don't want to hear that.
Robin read about how Tim Tebow was speaking and they say he had a group of about 15,000 people who showed up to hear him. Robin had some audio of his sermon too. Howard said that might be a little more interesting than the other clip. He said with his dumb ass talking about that stuff it might be interesting. Howard played the clip and said he hopes that when he does his kneeling shit the fans boo him there in New York.
Robin read about this year's White House Easter egg hunt that's taking place today. Howard wondered who shows up for that. He wondered how they have time for that. He said they should get over it and not waste their time. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a couple of guys in Tulsa who are accused of shooting some black men last week. Howard asked if that Zimmerman guy was arrested yet. Robin said he hasn't been yet. She said they're still working on that case. Robin had some audio about this Tulsa case. She said they say that the guys asked the black guys for directions and then open fired on them. Robin had some audio of the officer talking about how quickly they were able to find these guys thanks to the community.
Robin read about Newt Gingrich coming to his senses and dropping out of the race. Robin said that Newt has finally realized that he might not be the republican nominee. Robin had some other audio and news about all of that nominee stuff.
Robin read about the President making a statement last week about the supreme court decision on health care. Robin said he said that it would be unprecedented to strike the law from the books. Robin said that a lot of people took offense to that. She had some audio of Ken Starr talking about that.
Robin read about the National Donate Life month and how people are celebrating their organ donors. Robin said that she had to renew her license recently and she wasn't able to mark it down on there that she wanted to donate them. She said she wants to use them all up herself. Howard said he can't donate either. He said he would take a donation but he's creeped out by giving up anything that he can't do it. Gary said he'd be dead though. Howard said he has a feeling that he'd know what was going on. Gary said he and his wife are donors. Howard said he wants Gary's teeth. Gary said he can have them. Howard said he wants to keep all of his stuff. Howard said he just can't do it. Robin said they do say that you should give it a good, hard thought.
Robin read about Jaleel White crying on Dancing with the Stars. Robin had some audio of Jaleel talking about what happened there.
Robin said that Donald Trump had to fire the Incredible Hulk last night on Celebrity Apprentice. Robin had some audio of Trump firing him. Howard said Lou should have just pretended he couldn't hear him.
Robin read about Sissy Houston going to church for the first time since her sister died. Robin said that she was singing one of Whitney's favorite Easter songs. Robin had some audio of that. Howard said he hates church singing. He said it's like people are yelling at him. Robin said she doesn't like church singing either. Howard said it was just a few words but it was all yelling. Howard said he's not a fan of that church thing. He said he likes regular singing like Neil Young or Robert Plant. He played the Sissy Houston clip a couple of times.
Howard asked Robin if Lou understood what Donald was saying last night. Robin said she didn't see it so she's not sure. Howard ended the show a short time later. They were done by 10:20 or so.
Jon said he wants to talk about the America's Got Talent stuff since Howard has realized he's doing more than 31 days of work. Jon said that he has Vegas coming up and he might be getting a little frustrated by the whole thing. Benjy said that he has been questioning what he's getting out of it. He said he doesn't think Howard needs any of this. He said that's up to Howard though and he can do what he wants. Jon said that everyone needs some time to themselves.
Gary came in and said that he thinks that Vegas week is going to be brutal for Howard. He said that they don't have an audience and it's a lot of work. He said when the show starts live he has to be in the next morning. He said there are six weeks when Howard has to come in the next morning to do the radio show after doing the live AGT show.
Jason asked what Vegas week is. Gary said that's the week where they go through the 140 acts and knock it down to 40. Gary said they say that's not as fun as the auditions. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was at the tapings and he thinks that Ronnie really does take a loot of shit and he puts up with it. He said they're rough on him. Gary said Ronnie does handle it very well. Doug said it's a very forced game face. Jon said he thinks Ronnie loves the attention he gets. Doug said he smirks at times and he does break at times. Doug said he does a good job handling it though.
Gary said he can't believe that Ralph's mom doesn't know he takes all of this shit on the air. He said he's not sure if she listens to the show or what. Ralph just didn't want her hearing some of the stuff people were saying about him. Gary said Ralph was kind of slinking down and hiding from people. He said he was laying pretty low. Gary said you have to cut a dude a break if his mom is there.
Gary said that he's very excited about this AGT taping in New York. He said he's not over hyping it when he says that they'll be excited about what they're going to see. Jason said that he heard they were turning people away in Tampa and he thinks this is going to be huge.
Gary said Howard is amazing at what he does but the whole experience is great. He said that it's fun to see people who don't know they suck going up on stage. Doug said it's interesting to see Howard telling kids that they suck. Gary said he handles it nicely though. Doug said he's very firm, blunt and honest and the people still walk away with a smile. Doug said he thought Howard wasn't going to be as sharp and cunning as he is. He said he's not Simon Cowell. He said he thinks that he's better than Simon.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about the budget to go down to Tampa with the Howard TV guys. Doug said they have a separate operating cost for the TV show than they do for the radio show.
The caller was talking about how they should restructure Howard's contract so they can get more money for his TV show. He was comparing that to NFL players and how they do that with them. Jon said that they're talking apples and oranges there. He thanked the caller for calling in but he didn't get into that much deeper.
Doug said he was down in Tampa and he had a camera in his hand down there. He said he doesn't go on the trips very often so this was the first time in about 2 years that he went out on the road. Doug said he was shooting Howard's arrival down there and stuff like that so he was working a lot.
Jon asked Ronnie about people breaking his balls in the audience. Ronnie said he doesn't think he'd get the attention if Howard didn't introduce him. Gary said that's not true. Ronnie said he's right there next to Howard and it doesn't stop.
Jon asked Ronnie if he enjoys being targeted like he is. Ronnie said he could do without the 0.0 bullshit that they give him. Gary asked if he's really upset about that. He said he saw him ripping up the shirt they had made for him. Ronnie said it was great to rip that thing up.
Gary asked Ronnie what the worst stuff is that they yell out at him. Ronnie said that the shows are 3 or 4 hours long and it can get annoying hearing the same stuff. He said he may have to take some drugs for the New York shows. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said he heard about the news report and then Howard talked about it and played the clip and it was pretty nasty. Jason said it was nasty and passive aggressive.
Shuli said he didn't have to walk back there and find the story. He said that story walked into the news room. Jason said he walked in a different story about his hair. Shuli said Jason was like CSI showing his bald photo and the new hair photo.
Gary asked Jason if he is bummed and jealous. Jason said he is jealous and bummed but he's not mad at Jon. He said that he knew as he gave that statement that he'd sound bitter and jealous. He said he was kind of bitter and jealous though.
Gary asked Jason if he felt weird about auditioning. Jason said that Jon actually told him to go and try out. He said he didn't want to compete against Jon though. Jason said that he didn't know about the audition until after Jon told him about it. Jason said the reason he didn't audition was two reasons. He felt weird about it after Jon had already done it and he didn't' want to pursue it after that. Gary asked why he didn't pursue it. Jason said he doesn't know. He said he felt that it was Jon's thing after he did it so he just didn't want to get in on it.
Jason said Jon did nothing wrong and it was fine that he didn't tell him before hand that he was doing it. Benjy asked about their radio show and how they got it started. Jason said he's not sure whose idea it was exactly.
Jon said he knew he did well for the TV show and he did feel kind of weird about it. He said it's a different show though. It's not what they do on their radio show. Jason said people were acting like someone had died when they heard the news. He said they were apologizing to him telling him they were sorry to hear about what had happened.
Gary picked up on Zena in Philly who said she likes both Jon and Jason and she's a supporter of both of them. She said she was offended by what Jason said about the diabetic stuff. She said that it was offensive for him going against his friend. She said it was offensive that he would say this. Gary asked if that was something Jason said to just get under his skin. Jason said he did do that just to get under his skin.
Shuli asked Jon about his style of eating burgers with no condiments on it. He asked what he's going to do if they ask him to do it. Jon said it's already happened and he did it. Jon said he said that he doesn't usually eat food that way but in the spirit of the show he did it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Jason was interviewed on Fine Time and Jason said he loves to start shit on the show. Gary said this is a real emotion and it's not being faked.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Jon stepped over the line and took credit for creating the Jump the shark term when he really didn't. Jon said he did not and he's told that story many times. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done by 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking in his Tradio announcer voice. He said he wasn't sure where to begin. Howard and Robin were goofing on the Tradio guy. Howard said Sal and Richard called Tradio again and cracked themselves up like J-Lo does on American Idol. Howard said maybe he'll play that first thing this morning.
Howard played the Sal and Richard prank call and the host cracked himself up so Richard started laughing at his laughing. Richard would laugh after everything he said. He was laughing as he was talking about the stuff he was selling.
Howard said they're selling a $29 vacuum cleaner on that show. He said that thing must be a mess. Howard played more of that call and Sal gets on the line and starts cracking himself up. Richard keeps laughing and they lose the call. Sal calls back in and asks why they hung up on them. Then he starts cracking himself up and one of the hosts of the show is laughing too. They keep calling back and getting cut off. They eventually call in just laughing.
Howard said he loves the music on that show. He said he'd like to do an album of music they play on that show. Howard said he loves when they call in the middle of their laughing.
Howard said that will be the last of the audition shows. He said the only trip he has is the Vegas trip where they knock it down to 40 some contestants. Howard said they have a month or so off and then the live shows start in July. Robin said he can sit home and watch himself for a few weeks. Howard said he won't watch. He said he can't look at himself on TV.
Howard said he saw some of the show that they showed at the Up Fronts. He said that he saw some promos and that's pretty much it. Howard said the up front reel looked awesome actually. He said he has it on his phone but that's not the way to watch it.
Howard said Doug Goodstein did his own thing down in Tampa outside the taping. He said he got a few people and asked them some questions about AGT. Howard said one woman was a fan of his and she had a great time. He said the second woman is an older woman and she hates his guts. He said she begrudgingly said she liked him. Then this third woman hates him even more and she's disgusted by him. He said she even turns and says she's going to watch him now. Robin said she knew this was going to happen. Howard said he's not sure she's right about that. Howard said he's not comfortable when she says that. Howard said it makes him uncomfortable. He said that's kind of counting your chickens before they hatch.
Howard asked Gary where the audio clip was. Gary gave him the info and Howard said ''Thank you-wah'' like Paris Hilton says it. Howard goofed on her for a few seconds and played the AGT interview. The person doing the interviewing was actually Rachel Fine. The first woman was the fan who loved him doing the AGT thing. Howard said that this next woman despises him and she had to admit that she liked him as a judge. The woman said she doesn't really like Howard as a person that well. She doesn't care for his comments. She didn't think she would like him as a judge but she really did. Howard said that's full on conversion there. He said she's an impossible one to turn.
Howard said he knows his role there on the show. He said he can't interrupt what's going on there on the stage. He said that he takes the show seriously and that's why he's good as a judge. Howard said he understood this woman's point of view before he took the job. She wants a show and no shenanigans. Howard said this woman expected a shithead but he's like her and he respected the show. Robin said she knew this would happen.
Howard said this next woman really hates him. He said she was there because she's a fan of AGT. Howard played that one and she was talking about how Howard carried the show. She said she's not a big fan of his but he was very funny as a judge. She said she thinks that he found his niche and it could change America's opinion of him.
Robin said she knew this was going to happen with people. She actually called Howard ''Honey.'' Howard asked if she's dating someone and slipped saying that. Robin said she is not. Howard said he thinks she loves him as a judge. Robin said she hasn't even seen him as a judge. Howard said he can see what's going on over there. She's finally giving him some respect. Fred was playing a cougar growling sound so Robin asked what that's supposed to be.
Howard said he read that Tyra Banks broke up with her man. Robin said she's busy with her book so she's not dating anyone. Howard said he thinks that guy is a great guy. He said he's a powerful, black, businessman. Howard said he has no idea what he's like as a human being but he seems like a nice guy. Robin said she doesn't understand this attitude he has about this guy. Howard said he did have to pick up the tab every time he went out to dinner with the guy. He said he already has kids and he's an older guy around their age.
Howard asked when Robin last got some. Robin said she'd rather not talk about that. Howard said she should go out with that basketball player Chris Humphries. Robin said he seems like a really great guy too. She said he's so open minded.
Howard said Robin can't go that long without a man. Robin said she's doing just fine. Howard asked who the president was the last time she got laid. Robin said it was Truman. Howard said it's such a waste.
,Howard said Robin is working on a new book and it's a cook book and a story about how she became a vegan. Robin said it's not a cook book for vegans though. She said it's about cooking vegetables.
Howard said Robin might be too rational and that's why she's not getting laid. Howard said he has to stop thinking. He said he thinks and it just hurts. Howard said he's a fuck up and he can't change. He said that's what he tells his therapist. Howard said he can talk to people on the air but not anywhere else. He said he's very awkward. He doesn't know how to relate to people. Robin said he just needs a microphone in front of him. Howard said he does.
Robin said he could have someone on the set to do that stuff. Howard said he won't do that. Howard said they're kind of cheap when it comes to that stuff. Howard said he has to pay for a lot of that stuff. Howard said he doesn't mind paying for some of the incidentals. Howard said he might end up paying $130 for that kind of stuff. He said that they'll get upset if he takes an orange juice out of the mini-bar in the hotel room. Howard said that's kind of tacky. He said that he just pays stuff and doesn't want any hassles. Howard said he's actually bought Howie dinner and Howie has his own stipend for dinner.
Howard said his agent called them and told them it was kind of tacky to make him pay for incidentals. Howard said the only reason he's there in Tampa is to work. Robin said she's heard about people who want to keep a car and go all over town when they do shows like that. Howard said he gets that they're running a business. He said that they do treat him very well. He said he's getting that big head again. He said when he's treated very well he feels like a big shot. Howard said that's why he had to go to his therapist.
Howard said it's tough when he gets treated so well and then someone doesn't treat him well. He said that everyone is doing something for him the whole time he's working on that show and then he goes home and no one does anything for him.
Doug Goodstein came in and said he saw Howie Mandel getting his shoes tied for him. He said someone just went down and tied it for him. He said Howie didn't even ask them to do it. Howard said they have a team of people who watch them on camera and they will come over and start to primp you. He said he was sweating and they'd mop him down. He said that's what their job is. Howard said that's what happened with Howie's shoe. He said they have a team of people who will come over and fix things. Howard said they take his clothes and launder them for you and they just show up the next day. He said they mixed up his pants with Howie's pants once and they were so sorry for screwing up. He said it wasn't a big deal to him.
Howard said you can get crazy from this stuff. He said it's not good for you but he likes it. Robin said there was a woman who worked on Private Parts who would hold a fan next to Howard. Howard said they did that down in Tampa too. Robin said that woman on Private Parts, Jodi, would have a bag full of stuff that she would use to keep Howard comfortable.
Howard said after doing this for three days in Tampa it's kind of a shock. He said he gets to fly on a private jet and they have great food and stuff on that flight. Robin said that he must be able to understand someone like J-Lo then. Howard said he will never understand someone like her. Howard said he sees that he has a problem. Someone like J-Lo doesn't see it. He said she won't do any work on herself.
Howard said Rihanna should be at the psychiatrist's office 5 days a week. Howard said she treated that reporter so shitty the other day. He said this kid is 19 or 20 and she has a tuchus the size of Rhode Island and she thinks that she invented something like Steve Jobs. Howard said the reporter asked her about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna says that's such a disappointing question. Howard said she had to put the woman down. He said that's the kind of person that upsets him. Howard said if he becomes that then the terrorists have won. Howard played the audio clip he was just talking about where Rihanna goes off on the reporter.
Howard and Robin reenacted that clip with Howard playing Rihanna. Howard made it seem like it wasn't that big of a deal to answer a simple question like that. Howard said she's just some shithead who sings. He said they just asked her a question about Ashton Kutcher and she could have answered it so easily.
Howard replayed the Rihanna clip and continued to goof on her about her shitty response to the reporter. Howard said she was seen leaving Ashton's home and she becomes Jennifer Aniston all of a sudden. Howard said she's not the Queen of England. Howard wondered what that is. He said people are nuts.
Howard said he could easily go nuts with the way the NBC people are treating him. He said there's this guy Harv who makes sure he's on the set on time. Howard said Harv will come and get him and they say that he's such a pleasure because he gets over there on time. Howard said he hears ''walking'' and he just gets out there and on the set. He said he doesn't want to be there all day. He said he heard that Piers was difficult when it came to that. Howard said Piers was an excellent judge though.
Howard said he goes out there and judges. He said he had this one guy come out and he was a nice guy. He started singing the theme from the Love Boat. Howard said he hit his X so fast. Howard said Sharon and Howie put him through. Howard said it was white guilt. Howard said they see a black guy and they thought they had to put him through. Howard said it's a novelty act. He said that it's not something anyone wants to see.
Howard said he grew up in a black neighborhood and they'd never put up with a guy like that. Howard said he's the judge everyone loves. He said black people love him because he's not racial. Howard said he doesn't know where Sharon gets her guilt from.
Howard said he stands his ground and the audience will boo him. He said he says the uncomfortable things that they don't want to hear.
Howard said he's working on getting Eric some more jobs. He said that they may get him on Cougar Town or the new pilot Bill Lawrence is working on.
Eric said that he tweeted to Whitney and someone else about Whitney. Eric said he would like to be on Whitney's show and Whitney said that would be good. Robin had no idea what he was talking about. Howard said he knows what he's saying. He said he wrote to Whitney Cummings and she wants him on her show.
Howard played some of Eric's audio from ''In Plain Sight.'' Howard asked how many takes he had to do. Eric said he did a bunch but not because he screwed up. He said they had to take different angles. Howard played more of the audio and Fred did his impression of Eric saying his lines. Robin said they noticed that his chair is very big and he's falling over in it. Howard said he doesn't fit that well in it. Eric said he was trying to answer and he keeps going on and on. Howard said it looks like he's falling over in his chair.
Eric said that chair is his own personal chair and it was measured for him. Howard said he should sue the guy who made it for him. He said he's sinking over to one side in the chair. Howard did his impression of Eric for a few seconds. Howard asked if Eric has shrunk since he had the chair made. Eric didn't think so.
Johnny asked Eric if they talked about the baseball cards yet. Howard told him not to get them off topic. Eric asked Robin if she liked his appearance. Robin said she watched it over and over again so she must have liked it. Howard said she's obsessed with it.
Howard played more of Eric's lines and asked if he was phlegmy that day. Eric said it was cold out that day. Howard played more of his lines and Fred did more of his impression for a few seconds.
Eric said he has a person he wants to shame on the air. He said that Debbie the Pet Lady is the one he's talking about. Eric said she is so insane that she thinks he started that fight. He said she's the one who started it with him. Howard said Debbie gets jealous when he talks about any of these guys like Eric or Ass Napkin Ed. Howard said the latest thing is that she thinks that they all get paid and she wants to be paid.
Howard said Debbie wants to sell the picture she has of him and she's all upset about that. Howard said he has her on the phone now. He picked up on her and Debbie was all upset with Eric. Howard said Eric is a good dude. Debbie said that Eric is the one who started in with her. She said that Howard also treats her like shit. She said he makes it look like she's begging. She said she knows that they pay the wack packers. She said that she saw what Ed got paid.
Debbie said she went out with that Ass Napkin Ed and he showed her a check. Howard said he probably won something. Gary said that he was part of a show they were producing and they paid him to host the show. Howard said he was doing a separate radio show. Debbie said they pay them appearance fees. Howard said they don't pay them for that. Debbie said that they should be paying her. She said they have been blocking her on Twitter and places like that too. She said Howard hung up on her too. Howard said she hurt his feelings so he has to hang up on her at times. He said she gave him a gift and he threw that right out. Gary said he actually still has it.
Tim Sabean came in and said they don't pay anyone. Howard had Tim tell Debbie. Tim said that Ass Napkin Ed is lying. Howard said he has Ed on the line too. Debbie said that this is between her and Eric and not Ed. Howard said he wants to find out why Ed lied. Ed got on the line and started in on Debbie. The two of them were talking over each other so Howard had to cut them off and ask Ed why he lied.
Ed told Howard that he didn't get any money. Debbie said he did tell her that he got paid. Howard hung up on Ed and Gary said that she says that Ed is a liar so why did she believe this one thing. She said that's what Ed told her. Debbie said that someone else said they got paid $600. She said she can't say who it is though. Debbie said that they'll block her if she says who it is. She told them to pay her and she'll say who it is.
Howard said that Eric has nothing against her. Debbie said that he owes her an apology. Ed called back in and told Debbie to go fuck herself. Howard said this is getting ridiculous. Howard said that he has to move on.
Debbie said that Howard can unblock her on Twitter. Howard said he doesn't block anyone. Gary said he blocked her. Debbie said she had someone steal her name. Howard said he wasn't even on there. Debbie said her name is AmazingPetsLive on Twitter.
Howard said that Debbie can be out of control at times. He said that Ronnie had to threaten to take her off the Block Party show. Howard said he's not sure that she's not going to cause problems. Debbie said she won't be a problem. Ronnie came in and said that she was going crazy about things with Howard and Beth so he had to tell her to stop or he can't have her on the show. Howard asked if she's saying bad things about Beth. Debbie said she didn't mean to. She said she's sorry for what she said. She said that Eric doesn't understand what he's doing to her.
Howard asked what Eric has to do with this. Debbie said he's fucking with her. Howard said Eric is in a wheelchair. Howard said he has no power to do anything to her. Debbie said that he's trying to get her banned from the show. Howard asked Eric if he's fucking with her. Eric said no. He said she started it. Eric said he isn't doing anything to her. He said that Debbie called him an ass kisser so he called her a bitch. He said that he has never kissed Howard's ass. Gary confirmed that.
Debbie said that they're threatening to take her to court. Howard asked why that is. Debbie said that she's going to take them to court if they take her to court. Johnny said that Eric's career is sky rocketing. Debbie said it's not going anywhere. Debbie and Johnny went at it for a few seconds.
Ronnie said they're putting Eric on the San Francisco show in May. He said that if Debbie keeps this up they won't be able to put her on their show. Debbie said she'll be fine. Howard asked if she can be normal for one full minute. She said she can. Howard started the clock to see how long that would last. Howard told her that she'll never get paid by this show. She was fine. Howard said Ass Napkin Ed wants to fuck her. She said she's not going to get upset. She stayed pretty calm. Gary said they have to take away her AGT tickets because they're full. She started to crack. Ronnie said they're afraid that she's going to go crazy. Debbie was starting to flip out. Howard said she'll never be on the air again. Debbie was starting to freak out. Then Howard told her the minute was up and she screamed.
Howard said they're worried that she's going to go nuts at the AGT taping. He said that they'll kick her right out if she misbehaves. Howard asked if Ed is going to be there. Debbie said she hopes not. Howard said that they have to calm down.
Howard said that Eric has been to one of the shows and he didn't cause any disruptions. Debbie said she doesn't want anyone to star in with her. Robin said no one is gong to start with her. She said she's not even sure what starting in with her is.
Howard thanked everyone for calling in. Johnny told Howard that he's had to get the shiny buff since he was like 5 years old. Howard said he's a real man so he will keep doing it. Howard thanked everyone for calling in. Debbie asked if she can go to the AGT taping on Wednesday. Howard said they will throw her out if she doesn't behave. She promised to be good. Howard said these tapings are going to be insane. He said he's not sure he's even going. He said everyone is going nuts. He said it's just too much. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back right after that call. Howard said it was freezing in there. Howard asked the guys if they can make it just a little warmer. Howard said he doesn't want it to be 100 degrees in there. Howard said the air is blowing on him. Scott the Engineer came in and Howard asked him to raise it just a hair. Scott yelled ''I don't have any!'' Howard said he's so not funny.
Howard said Scott has deep, dark, black hair on his arms but nothing on his head. Howard said he's like a gorilla. Howard said it's hideous. Howard asked what he was on the ugly meter. Fred said he thinks he was a 43. Howard said Scott beat him then. Howard said he figured he had Scott beat.
Howard said Dr. Phil is the biggest schnurer. He said Dr. Phil lost some weight and he says he did this 17 day diet. He said that he promotes this diet and then it turns out that his son is the author of the book he's promoting. Howard asked Gary if he had that story right. He said he didn't want to be unfair.
Howard said if his daughter put out a book he'd be honest and say who the book was written by. Jon Hein came in and said that he didn't mention who wrote the book at first. He pretended it was just this great thing he discovered. He waited a few weeks before saying who it was written by. Howard said the guy is money hungry. He said he heard that Jay Leno just did another commercial for Burger King. Howard said he's not sure why he'd do that. He says he doesn't spend the money he gets from the Tonight Show.
Howard said he has more integrity than most people. He said he turns down a lot of shit. Howard said Oprah is another one who thinks that she can do anything. He said she has no idea what running a cable network is like. Howard said she got away with it there at Sirius XM with her radio channel. Howard said she's rarely on it. Howard said she can't get away with that on a cable network. Howard said they assumed that she was going to work hard but she's not into that. Howard said she knows how to do her own show and that's it.
Howard had some audio of Oprah talking about her network. She was saying if she knew it was going to be that difficult she wouldn't have done it. Oprah was talking about how she thought it would work and how things didn't work out. Howard said this annoys him. He said he's not even sure why but it annoys him.
Howard said he had another clip of Oprah explaining why she can't leave show business because it's her calling. Howard said it's all about her changing the world. Howard said she says she's always going to do something. She's basically saying that she's sacrificing her life for the people. Like she's a martyr. Howard played that clip and it was just what he explained. Howard said she thinks that she's the most wonderful person in the world. Howard said she's Martina Luther Winfrey. Howard said that's very sweet of her. Howard said some people get into show business and they don't hear themselves anymore. Howard said she's been treated too well for too long.
Howard played more of Oprah talking about what a great person she thinks she is. Howard thanked Oprah during the clip. Oprah said just because you fail at something doesn't make you a failure. Howard said it does too.
Howard said he has another clip where she talks about how she doesn't fire people directly. Howard said that's what happens when you have someone to do everything for you. Howard said she's doing all of this stuff for the people. Howard said when she puts herself on the cover of her O magazine she's doing that for them too.
Howard played a clip of Oprah talking about how she had to lay off a few people but she didn't actually do it. She said they had a team of personnel come in to do the lay offs. Howard said he'd have to do that too. Howard said Oprah can't be firing anyone. She's the person who empowers people.
Howard took a call from Hanzi who said that he's going crazy. Howard said he has a lot of mental issues. Hanzi said that you have to do satanic rituals to get into show business. Howard said that's not true. Howard said he just did a lot of work. Hanzi believes that Howard sold his soul to get into show business. Hanzi said even if it was true they wouldn't admit it on th air. Howard asked why he doesn't make his own deal. Hanzi said that they have enough involvement in his life below the surface. Howard asked if he has ever been diagnosed with mental illness. Hanzi said he's bipolar.
Hanzi said he's been talking to Artie lately. He said he calls into his show. Howard said Artie likes to talk to Hanzi off the air too. Hanzi said that Oprah and Howard are on the same level when it comes to the martyr thing. Howard said he's doing this for himself, not for the people. Howard said Oprah is so full of horse shit. Howard said she trots on Whitney Houston's daughter and says she's doing it for the people but she's doing it for herself.
Hanzi said that he thinks that he should be getting some acting work too. Gary came in and said that Shuli told him a story about Hanzi. Hanzi said Howard already knows this story. Howard said this is where he's crazy. He has no idea what this is about. Hanzi said he knows how the elite run. Howard said he needs to get some help. Hanzi was saying that they all know what's going on. Howard jokingly said that they have to turn to page 3 on the script to figure this out.
Hanzi said that he has contributed to the show and Howard knows what he's up to. Howard asked if he really thinks that the show is scripted. Hanzi said that the first hour of the show is pre-recorded. Howard said he'd like to make that happen. Howard said he takes phone calls in the first hour. Hanzi said that it's all actors who call in during that first hour.
Hanzi said that he knows that Howard has over 500 people working under him. Howard said he has a lot of things like the TV show and the web site so he has a lot of people working there. Hanzi said he knows that they've been talking to his parents for the longest time. He said they have people who do their dirty work for them. Howard said he's gotten a lot worse.
Robin said his mental illness makes him so important. Howard said it's all about narcissism. Howard said that he thinks that everything is about him. Gary asked what's so important about him that they'd do that stuff to him. Howard asked why he would record the first hour of the show ahead of time. Hanzi said Howard does a lot of fucked up things and he has people hide it for him. Hanzi said he doesn't expect anyone to believe him. He said they twist it all around.
Howard asked why they would do all of this stuff. Hanzi said he doesn't know. Hanzi said the script says that he should check himself in and get help. Gary asked if he has a copy of that script. Hanzi didn't say. He said that this is all set up and they think that he's making this shit up.
Gary said Hanzi contacted Shuli and said that he knows that he's banned and he cant come. Shuli told him that he didn't know what he was talking about. Hanzi isn't banned. Howard said that he's gotten really bad. Howard asked if he's on any medication. Hanzi said Howard is like the mafia boss and they're all afraid of him.
Gary asked Hanzi what Howard's goal is. Hanzi said that it's all about the politicians and entertainers. Howard wondered how he gets food and stuff. Gary asked how much money he's generated in the past few years. Hanzi didn't say. Howard said Hanzi must be like 50 now. Hanzi said he's 45. Howard said his poor parents. Hanzi then said that he's 28, 35, 38, 20. Howard asked how old he really is. Hanzi said that he was born in 1983. Howard did the math and figured he was 29. Gary said he'll be 29 this year. Hanzi said his birthday is in August.
Howard asked Hanzi if he's on medication at all. Hanzi said he is on Effexor. Howard had Robin look it up. Robin said it's an anti-anxiety drug. Howard said that it has to be more than that. Howard asked how long he's been on that. Hanzi didn't know. Howard said he's really bad and he needs to get a check up.
Hanzi said he doesn't belong here. He said that the world is full of lies. Howard asked where his parents are. Hanzi was going nuts talking about people in Howard's generation fucked up this world. Howard asked where his parents are. He said they're at work. Howard asked what they do with him. Hanzi said he doesn't talk to anyone. Howard asked if they call home to find out if he's burned the house down. Hanzi said he's not going to do stuff like that.
Howard asked what Hanzi does all day long. Hanzi said it doesn't matter. He said he's just going to make him look like an asshole. Howard asked if he just sits there. Hanzi said he goes to the gym and people tell him that the show is making money off of him.
Howard asked how he gets food. Hanzi said his mother makes food. Hanzi told Howard what his mother made and how he ate. Howard asked if he has to go into the kitchen to get something to drink. Hanzi said he has his own Sprite cans in his room and he piles them up in there. He said he has his own fridge. Howard asked if his parents interact with him at all. Hanzi aid they try but he doesn't interact with them much. Howard asked if the just blows them off. Hanzi said he does.
Howard said he thinks that Robin would love his life. He works out and hangs out at home. Robin said he smokes though. Howard said that mental people love to smoke. Hanzi said he lives in his parent's basement.
Howard said he had to go but he has Hanzi on another line. It was Sal and Richard playing audio clips of Hanzi flipping out in the past. Hanzi said he can't be fooled by that stuff. He started to laugh at the clips. Robin wasn't able to tell if it was really him or not. Robin said he used to be much more rational in the past. Howard agreed. Hanzi hung up so Howard went to break.
Howard came back and said he should have been in that band Metallica. Robin said she thinks they have enough members. Howard said he knows about someone famous who was almost in the band. He said he'll ask Lars about that.
Howard asked if he was on the phone yet. Gary said they're waiting for him to call in. Howard said he loved that song ''Junior Dad'' (from Lulu) and he might be one of two people in the world who did. Howard played that song and said that their album was universally panned. Howard said he heard that Lou Reed was upset about the whole thing. He said that he really does love the song. Howard said he seems to be one of the only ones. He said that KC Armstrong liked it too.
Howard had Lars on the phone a minute later. Howard said he really does love this song. Lars said that Howard started their whole turn around with that. Howard told Lars about KC writing him a note about this song and how he has to just give the song a chance. Howard said KC told him the song was the most moving song ever. Howard said he gave it a chance and he started crying. Howard said the song got him and he loved it. He said that's no bullshit.
Lars said there were grown men crying as they were recording the song. He said it was amazing and truly moving. Robin asked how that collaboration came about. Lars said in 2009 they did the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show at Madison Square Garden and they gave Metallica a pod so they could host and be the backbone of a segment. He said they picked a bunch of other inductees and they looked around for people like Ozzy, Ray Davies and Lou Reed. He said they had a great half hour with those guys. He said Lou was there rehearsing and he was on such a high. He said Lou isn't that big at showing his feelings. He said Lou turned to him as they were walking out one night and said that they should make a record together some day. Lars said he never thought he'd hear from him again. He heard from him a week later.
Howard asked Lars how that works when they write a song with someone like that. Howard asked if they write the music and Lou just starts wrapping his lyrics around it. Lars said it was pretty much that. He said Lou came out about a year later and sent in 10 sets of lyrics for this whole thing they were doing. He said they wrote music to existing lyrics. Lars said that the last thing that happens is James Hetfield writing his lyrics so it was something different for them. Lars said some of it was kind of abstract but there were some moving things in there like this Junior Dad song. He said that song was done in one take. He said after that they had to go find Kirk Hammett because he disappeared. He said he had just broken down because he had lost his dad like a month before. Howard said this song really is a great song.
Howard asked if they were upset that the album wasn't commercially successful. Lars said they didn't expect it to compete with Adele for Grammy's. Howard said Lou took it very hard though. Lars said he did but he was unaware of how it is to be in the hard rock world in 2011. He said that it's very difficult and you have to be thick skinned. He said that they've taken a lot of hits over the years and they have a resistance to it. Lou didn't have that.
Lars said he tried to tell Lou that he doesn't do himself any favors letting himself get baited by the people that will bad mouth him. He said that when they do their thing they just laugh it off. Howard said what he admires is that when you become a big super group a lot of times a band will shut down creatively. He said it took balls and guts to go in and make this album with Lou Reed. He said they weren't thinking about the money, they were thinking about the art.
Lars said that it was a lot of fun making that record. He said they were out of their comfort zone. He said they take a lot longer to make their records. He said they made this one in two weeks and that's never happened. Howard said in the old days bands would do it in two weeks and have a smash hit. Howard said that doesn't exist anymore in the music business. Lars said that's true.
Lars said they don't take money up front from the record companies so they're free to do what they want to do. Howard asked if Lou is alright. He said Lou has no business being on Twitter to begin with. Howard said if he wants to be positive you don't go on Twitter. Lars said Lou is fine now. He said he has had some good talks with him and he's okay now. He said he was caught off guard in the beginning. Lars said that the whole world had an opinion on a 90 minute record after a 30 second snippet and Lou was overwhelmed by it. Lars said they told him even if they're the only 5 who like it, that's fine.
Howard said Lou made a lot of weird records over the years. He said this one just became a big deal. Lars said in the hard rock community there are a lot of people who are used to having their music one way and it's become a formula. He said if you go outside of that box then people are up in arms.
Lars thanked Howard for talking about the album the way he did. He said there are people who are coming out one by one saying that they liked it. He said they think in 20 years people are going to be going nuts over it. Howard said he wants Lars to tell Lou that it's one of the most moving songs he's ever heard.
Lars said he heard about Howard hearing the song and liking it and he told Lou about it when he heard that. Howard said Lou doesn't like him. He said he was on vacation once and he ran into Lou and he looked at him like he was a piece of shit. Howard said he loves a lot of Lou's songs.
Howard said Lars is calling in about this Metallica festival thing. He said he'll talk about that in a minute. Howard asked Lars if it's true that he once invited Hulk Hogan to become their bassist in the early days. Lars said he has a photographic memory for just about everything and he has no recollection of that. He said unless he went by another name he doesn't remember asking Hulk Hogan to join the band. He said he has no recollection doing anything with Hulk Hogan.
Howard said he heard that Robin Williams was their drummer for 3 weeks and Erik Estrada was their lead singer. Howard said this is Hulk saying that he was asked to join the band. Lars said that there could have been one night when he wasn't coherent that something like that could have happened.
Howard asked Lars if he owns ferrets. Lars said he does not. Howard asked if he has any ferrets in his home. Lars started laughing. Lars said he doesn't own any. He said he never has. Howard said he heard he has 8 and he named them all after women he's had sex with. Lars said he would have a lot more than 8 if he did that.
Howard asked Lars if he's worth more than $175 million. Lars laughed again. Robin asked where he gets his information. Howard said he gets it from various places. Howard told Lars to come clean and tell them what his net worth is. Lars said it's a mystery to him too. Lars said that he never cared about money when he was coming up. He said he doesn't count his money and he's not sure what he's worth.
Howard said he has to cut him off for a second. He said that's all very political and he must know a general number for what he's worth. Lars said he knows generally what's in his bank account. He said the $175 million is way high. Howard said it must be more than $20 million. Lars said it might fall between 20 and 50 million. He said they're spending it faster than they can make it.
Howard asked Lars if he's extravagant with his money. Lars said that their management tells them that they spend it faster than they make it. Lars said they like to put the money back into the band and into their shows.
Lars said that they're making a 3D movie and it's going to cost about $20 million and they're paying for it themselves. He said that way they don't have to listen to anyone else. Howard said that's like financial suicide. Howard said they want creative control but how much control do they really need? Howard said they put their own money into this festival too. Lars said they have some partners but they like to put the money up front so they don't have to be told what to do by other people.
Howard said Lars hasn't made the best decisions all the time. He said Quentin Tarantino came to them asking to put their song in the soundtrack of the movie. Lars said it was actually a fight scene that was choreographed to one of their songs. Lars said he called Quentin up after reading the script and told him he's a big fan but he didn't get a word of that script for Kill Bill. He said that he is a huge fan of his but that script didn't make sense to him. He said that Quentin is a great guy and he has sat with him. Then he read the 180 page script and it was the most bizarre thing he had ever read in his life. He didn't understand a word of it. He said it was like it was written in a different language. Lars said they've been a band for almost 31 years and they've done some great things and some stupid things.
Howard said that song would have been great in that movie. He said that Enter Sandman would have been amazing in it. Lars said he sat in the theater watching it and thinking the same thing.
Howard asked how you say no to Quentin Tarantino. Howard said he couldn't say no. Lars said it was the most difficult thing ever. He said that he thinks he just completely just pussied out. He said he didn't call back and he was a complete pussy. He just wasn't able to say the word ''no'' to him. He said that Quentin showed up the next time they were in the city and he just told Quentin he wasn't able to get back to him.
Howard said Sharon Osbourne asked him to do her show ''The Talk'' and he didn't want to do it. He said she asked him to be on in person and he couldn't say no. Howard said he would never be able to turn Quentin down in person. Lars said he's like Howard when it comes to that stuff. Lars said that he gets his kids just about anything they want. He said that he will say yes to them within reason.
Howard asked what he said no to with his kids. Lars said he's out in Montana right now with the kids. He said they're on spring break. He said that his 10 year old and 13 year old are off this week. Howard thought they were just taking off this week. Howard asked if he yells at the kids at all. Lars said yelling doesn't get you anywhere. He said the 13 year old ordered some food last night and he got a double order. He said his kid claimed they were his and wouldn't share. He said he had to tell the kid that he has to share with his brother. Lars said he tried to reason with him and you get further by holding it down. He said he will raise his voice if he has to but it doesn't happen much.
Howard asked Lars how many women he's had at once. That was a question from a caller but Howard was just reading them. Lars said that it was 3 women at once. He said it was a great experience 25 years later. He said all three of them were doing stuff to him at once. Robin said he can't tell his kids that story. Howard asked if the chicks were three 10s or three 5s. Lars said they were good looking women. He said the quality of women got pretty good for a while.
Howard asked what the women do when they're all with him. Howard asked if they lick his penis. Lars laughed at that. Howard said he was trying to be nice about that. Lars said all three were working the lower region. He said ''god bless Portland, Oregon.''
Howard asked Lars if he thinks about that experience when he masturbates. Lars laughed again. He said that one does show up occasionally. Howard asked if he'd recognize those women if he saw them on the street. Lars said no.
Howard asked Lars what he thinks of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Lars said he thought it was the coolest thing in the past 10-15 years. He said they went to play before they were inducted and they had some fun doing that. He said that it was cool that they inducted Black Sabbath. Lars said that the members of the band where watching them play and it was a pretty humbling experience.
Howard asked Obama or Romney. Lars said Obama. Howard asked if he'd bang the whole cast of The View. Lars laughed again. Howard said that would be something.
Howard said he has a guy who wants to clear up the Hulk Hogan thing. The caller said he saw in an interview when Hulk told that story. He said it's pretty much true but he didn't meet with the band. He said that Hulk had his people contact Metallica's people and they said they'd get back to him and he never heard back.
Howard said that would have been crazy if they had Hulk in the band. Lars said that explanation makes sense to him. He said that if they had played with him he would have remembered it.
Howard gave Lars a plug for this festival they're doing. Lars said it's Music and More but Howard said it was Orion Music and More. Lars told Howard about how they've been playing these big festivals since 1986 or so and they've been great. He said this one has taken 5 years to get organized. He said it's not an easy thing to get going. Lars said they have a great place in Atlantic City that they'll be doing this show in June.
Howard asked if people camp out down there. Lars said that there are lots of places in Atlantic City to camp out. Howard said it sounds like he could get laid down there. Lars said you hope that lots of girls from Portland show up. You can find out more about this concert at OrionMusicAndMore.com
Howard took a call from Sal and Richard who played clips of Hulk Hogan asking Lars out on a date. They had Hulk talking about taking him on a date and buying a house with him. Lars laughed. It sounded like he knew it was a fake call.
Howard gave Lars another plug for the festival and said it's great talking to him. Lars said it's so cool talking to him too. He said he has to get some sleep before going out and skiing some more. Lars told Howard he hung with him back in the day and he had that Richard Christy guy. He said they have his band on the festival. They have Charred Walls of the Dammed showing up. Howard said that's great. He said they have a comedy stage down there too. He said that Jim Breuer is doing that.
Richard came in and said that he didn't know they were booked for the festival. Lars said that there aren't many bands named Charred Walls of the Dammed. Richard said he dos have managers who line that stuff up. He said he had no idea until right now.
Howard said that Hulk Hogan will be taking tickets up there. Gary said that they didn't see Charred Walls on the list on the web site. Lars said that they haven't announced all of the bands yet. He said that they're still adding bands to the list. He said they have another half dozen bands and comedians to add to the show. He said they have a lot of things going on down there.
Howard said this is all in the Metallica lifestyle. He said it's going to be a lot of fun. Lars said he'd like to invite Richard's band to come down and play. Richard said it would be an honor. Lars said they have a stage that's for some of those bands and it's a lot of those kind of guys who will be playing. Lars said they have thrash bands and punk bands and all of that. He told Richard to come play with them.
Howard gave Lars another plug for the festival and let Lars go. Howard said that was the great Lars Ulrich. Howard said Richard is very happy now.
Howard said he likes that Lars guy. He said that he's like the spokes person for the band. No one else ever comes out. Howard said it's great he had three women at once. Howard said that he was laying there like King Tut.
Howard took a call but the woman wasn't' there. Howard took one from Bobo. Bobo said that he's flipping out about the tickets for AGT. He said he hasn't heard anything yet. Howard asked Gary what's going on. Gary said there are a bunch of them. He said the guys got into town late last night and they have to email people and call them. He said they may get a hold of him today.
Howard asked why they have to call these people. Gary said they have different sessions and they have to figure it all out so they don't all come to the same one. Gary said the one who is giving him the hardest time is Jeff the Drunk who says he doesn't have time for this. He said that Jeff says he has plans and he's going to be out of the house from 9-12. He said this whole thing is very last second. He said he's gotten contacted by Bobo, Ham Hands Bill, Jeff and some others. Bobo said he was just freaking out because Howard has no show tomorrow. He said he has no one to call.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling from the UK. He said he thinks he's the only listener over there. He said that he'd like to know if they will run AGT in England. Robin said she has seen it while she's been over there. Robin said that they have their own but they do run the American version of AGT and Dancing with the Stars. The caller said that they do play American Idol over there too. they spent a little more time talking to that guy before Howard let him go.
Howard said that he has a lot to get to but he spent a lot of time with Lars. Howard said he's not sure what band he'd want to be in. He said that all of the bands seem to have problems. He said that Aerosmith has a lot of issues. Howard said he wanted to be a rock star when he was a kid but now it seems like a stupid thing to be involved with.
Howard said there's a weird video of Alicia Silverstone going around the web. Howard said she chews her food and spits it into her baby's mouth like a bird. Howard said that's so fucking disturbing to him. He said he understands it's something that women want to do. Robin said that's what women used to do when there was no electricity. Howard said they could just chop it up. Howard said he's going to throw up. Howard said we have electricity now and it can be very unhealthy to do that to a baby. Howard said he's glad his mother didn't know about that. Robin said what's worse is that video will live on forever. Robin said she read about how one of the women from ''Mad Men'' was eating the placenta. Robin said that Miyam Bialik doesn't believe in diapers. Howard asked if the kid is just shitting it's pants then. Robin said that she's not sure how she's handling that. Howard asked what the negative is with diapers. Howard said someone just said she lets the kid breast feed at 3 and a half. Howard said that's kooky. He said he's so sick of kooks and their kooky ideas.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she did the Ugly Meter with a picture of Ronnie and he got a 2. She said that it seems pretty accurate so there must not be a conspiracy.
Howard took another call from a woman who was at the Tampa AGT tapings. She said she told Howard that he's gorgeous. Howard said he remembers her. He said he doesn't forget anyone who says that to him. She told Howard that he really did look great. Howard said she was very handsome herself. Howard said she was very good looking. The caller said it was very hot in that theater. Howard said he sweated right through his John Varvatos clothes there. The caller said that they did have to powder his head a lot. She said that she was powdering herself. She told Howard that Ronnie isn't a 0 either. She said he looks like every older man down in Florida. She said Ralph is a 0 though.
Howard let the caller go and played Little Mikey's ''Ronnie's a Zero'' song and then another ''Ronnie's a Zero'' song by someone else. Howard said that people do yell out ''Zero!'' when they see him out. Howard said they have all kinds of songs coming in about Ronnie and about Robin too. Howard played a new one from Little Mikey about Robin's Brown Thighs. He had one from Eli Braden as well. That one was ''Big Titties Bursting Out Her Bra'' to the tune of Neil Diamond's ''Coming To America.'' Howard played a couple more Little Mikey songs and then went to break.
Howard asked Tim why he wants to do this. Tim said it's the thrill of a life time. Tim said they rid up to a hunting lodge and it's a big sausage fest up there. Howard said Tim should just fuck and not do this stuff. Tim said it's less expensive to do this.
Tim said he got up yesterday at 4 in the morning and it took him over 2 hours to get ready. He said that it's like Carpel Tunnel. He said he went to the dry cleaner and asked them to help him with buttoning his pants. Tim said he asked the woman to help him out. Tim said ''I says...'' so Howard corrected him. Tim corrected himself but Howard said he kept saying ''I says'' and had him correcting himself over and over.
Tim said the woman at the dry cleaner did help him with his pants. Tim said they were on a dry lake bed and it was confusing because it's all white. He said you ride at like 60 miles per hour and then the Mexican army pops up out of nowhere. He said they have people ride through there radioing to drug filled planes. He said the trip was great though.
Howard said he doesn't care about his trip. Tim said this is the best and he went with Chris Haines Adventures.
Tim told Howard he had to have Jim McClure come back and help him button his pants yesterday. He said he had to tell him he was serious about it too. Tim said he is able to wipe his own ass though.
Howard said Fred is into motorcycles too. He asked if that interests him at all. Fred said it doesn't at all. He said he's not into riding with a pack of guys. He said he likes riding alone. That's what motorcycles are for. Tim said it was awesome. He said they'd be out for 6 or 7 hours at a time. Howard asked if he fell at all. Tim said he did wipe out but he didn't get hurt. He said last time he went over the handlebars. He said this time it wasn't as bad.
Tim said they do this thing where they ''post'' and no one had any idea what he was talking about. Tim said the trip was great! He said that he looked forward to coming back to work after the trip. Robin said that's because it was so horrible.
Howard said he'd rather have that discussion on the air and not in the hall. He said he knows Tim would grab him out there.
Ronnie came in and said he never said JD got laid. He said that the girl from Twitter showed up at the show. He said that JD and the girl disappeared together but that's all he knows. That was in Chicago. Howard asked JD if he hooked up with her. JD said yes. He said he did have fun. Howard said JD is talking about not doing the block party shows anymore. He said you'd think he'd want to do a bunch.
JD said he doesn't want to get into any trouble so he's not going to say exactly what happened. He said that he was in Chicago and they brought the girl up on stage. He said they did get ''romantic'' but he didn't say they had sex. JD said that he's going to see that girl again. He said both of the girls were nice.
JD said the girl in Chicago was more his type. He said the Arizona girl was more petite. He said she was very nice though. JD said he had sex with her too. Gary said that JD would only say he had ''intimate relations.''
Ronnie said he was in Arizona sitting in the lobby and the girl came down and was leaving at 3:15 in the morning. He said he doesn't know what was going on in the room. Howard asked JD why he doesn't want to do the block party shows. JD said he's not a performer. He said going with Ronnie is easier than going on his own. He said with Scott he feels more pressure to entertain better. Robin said they say he does a fine job though. JD said he doesn't like traveling.
Howard asked if the girls got sick when they kissed him. JD said they didn't get sick. Howard asked if he gave them orgasms. JD said he's not saying that. Howard asked if he was able to last long. JD said he's not even saying he got that far. Howard asked if the girls want to see him again. JD said they're talking. He said the one in Chicago he's been talking to more. Howard asked if he's got a girlfriend there. JD said they're in different states so he doesn't know. Ronnie said he could get laid in other cities too.
Howard said he heard that Scott got fired. Ronnie said he's not fired but Shuli read him the riot act yesterday. Howard said Shuli got smart. He said Shuli told Scott that he would get paid a flat fee and not based on the door. Howard said that Scott got upset when Shuli gave him a raise. Howard asked why he deals with him. Howard said no one can deal with Scott.
Scott came in and said that Shuli accused him of shaking him down when he asked for more money. Scott said that JD wanted a guaranteed number too. Howard said Scott is the one who started all of this. Scott said he is the one but they don't come to him. Gary said that Scott agreed to an amount and then demanded more money. That's the shake down.
Shuli said that Scott got out of this weekend and he knew he did it just so he wouldn't have to deal with the travel. He said he knows that it had to do with money too. Scott said it had nothing to do with money. Shuli sad that Scott has things in his head about when Ronnie does shows and when he odes shows. Shuli said the show would have suffered if Ronnie wasn't able to come to the show. Howard said if you're in you have to be in all the time. Scott said he is in and that's what he told Shuli. Shuli said he wasn't in this weekend. Scott said he had reasons he wasn't able to come this weekend. Shuli said it's obvious that Scott won't make the right decisions when it comes to this show. Scott said they figured things out and he's not sure what the fuck they're upset about.
Howard said he has to move on. He said that Shuli is feeling the pressure from this. Shuli said that JD is treated like a god and he has to beg him to do the show. Shuli said he wants to make a little money and they have to deal with this stuff. Howard said he doesn't get JD. He said that JD is getting laid from this and he doesn't want to do it.
Howard said Scott is doing this reluctantly. Scott said he's in. Shuli said that JD is taking it seriously. He said that when he does it he does it right. He said that Scott doesn't put that kind of effort into it. Howard said Scott sits there like a totem pole. Howard said Scott is going to miss out. He told him to get to every gig and try to be peppy.
Ronnie said that Scott was upset about the web site thing too. Shuli said they have a Jamaican getaway thing planned and they have a web site for it but they left Scott out completely. He said he knows he told the guy to include Scott but he's not on there at all.
Howard said this whole thing is crazy. He said he's not sure what they're involved with. Howard said that Scott is leaving a bad taste in people's mouths. He asked if JD left a bad taste in anyone's mouth. JD just laughed and mumbled. Ronnie said that JD had girls all over him out there. He said he was okay with the girls one on one but not when they have to mingle at the Meet and Greet. JD said even after the show Ronnie will go down... JD stopped talking and said ''I don't even know what I'm saying.'' He said Ronnie likes to go down and talk to the people. JD said he doesn't know these people who come in and it's very awkward.
Howard said the fact that anyone wants to hang out with him is amazing. Shuli said that they have to see this video of Ronnie ripping up the 0.0 shirt that Gange had made up. Shuli said Ronnie wanted to light it on fire. They talked about him tearing it on stage instead. Shuli said Ronnie went up and tried to tear the shirt and he wasn't able to do it even though he cut it to get it started. He said JD was up there dying laughing hysterically up on stage. JD said Ronnie was straining to tear it. The Howard TV guys played the clip so they could all see it. Howard stopped it and said he really doesn't care. Howard said he has to get to the news.
JD was laughing hysterically so Howard asked what's so funny. JD said just seeing Ronnie struggle was so funny to him. Scott said he's never missing another Block Party show.
Howard said it sounds like JD had a great time out there. He had two women in one weekend. JD said he'll have good weekends and bad weekends. Shuli said JD has to shoot it down every time. He said you can't compliment the guy. Howard said women were falling for JD left and right. He wrapped up and let them go. Shuli said that Eric the Actor will be in San Francisco and Sacramento on the Block Party shows. He said he wants Ronnie to push him around in his chauffeur cap. Howard told him he should do that. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break.
Robin read about a woman who committed suicide after appearing on a German TV show. Robin said she was so attacked by the people who watch the show that she turned on the gas in her oven and went bye-bye. Howard said a lot of these people would kill themselves anyway. Robin said you never know.
Robin read about how Sarah Palin was a guest host of the Today show last week. Good Morning America had Katie Couric on the show so the Today show freaked and hired Sarah to sit in. Howard said he hates it when anyone gives Palin any attention at all. Robin read about how they beat Katie Couric in the ratings. Howard said that's awful.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said that Rachel Fine has it going on. He said he's been watching her lately on Howard TV. He said that she might be able to take over for Robin in the big boob department. Howard said he demands an interview where both of them are wearing low cut tops. Mark said he liked the interview she did with Jason because it was like 3D boobs in his face.
Robin said that Kristin Wiig might be leaving Saturday Night Live. Howard said she had a break out hit movie and she's been on SNL for 7 seasons. He said this is her time. He said this is her moment to break away. Howard said the smart move would be to stay there and still do movies. Howard said it can start to look loserish if you stay too long though. He said she might be trying to get more money out of them too.
Robin read about a man in Indiana who has allegedly been exploiting young children. She said that what he would do is contact the kids and say if they didn't send more he'd post them on gay web sites. Robin said he got some kids to send pictures. Robin had some audio of an FBI agent talking about that case. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a school bus driver who passed out and a 13 year old was able to bring it to a stop. Howard said he would never get involved. Robin said the kid raced out of his seat and grabbed the steering wheel. Howard said he never would have thought to do that. Robin had audio of the kid talking about what he did. Howard said this kid is observant. He said he didn't know anything about cars until he was about 17 and had to learn to drive. Howard said that's some kid.
Robin read about a service in Las Vegas that promises to cure your hangover. Howard said you deserve a hangover if you're an adult and indulge like that. Robin said they call this place Hangover Heaven and they say they can rush to your hotel room and help you get over your hangover. Robin said there are some people who said there is no proof they can cure you. She had some audio of a guy talking about that. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about the U.S. Navy plane that crashed in Virginia last week. She said they have released some of the 9-1-1 calls about the crash. Robin had Howard play the audio. Robin said no one was killed in the crash but there were a few injuries.
Robin read about a CNN reporter who had to apologize for reading a Facebook message that a shooting suspect had posted. Robin had the audio of that report. She used the F-word and N-word without censoring herself. They spent a minute on that and then Howard read another live commercial.
Robin read about this company Instagram that Facebook just bought. Robin said that it's a mobile photo sharing site. Robin said that they wanted to do something like what they were doing and it's sometimes easier to just buy the company. Howard said that Facebook posts your pictures. Robin said they do it in a different way on Instagram. Howard asked if they're going to screw up that company. Robin said she thinks they'll keep on top of it.
Robin read about how President Obama's approval rating is on the rise again. Robin read the details of that poll.
Robin read about how most people think that Mitt Romney is going to win the republican nomination. Howard said they don't need a poll to show that. He said it's a fact he's winning.
Robin read about this Las Vegas conference that the GSA held in 2010 and how they were wasting a lot of money at the event. Robin read about some of the stuff they blew money on out there.
Robin read about how the CDC is reporting that Mississippi has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country.
Robin read about the Lion King play. Howard said he liked that but he has no desire to see any other plays like that. Robin said the play has raked in over $853 million since 1997.
Robin read about how North Korea is threatening to test a nuclear weapon. Howard said we beg them not to do this but we continue to send them food and things like that.
Robin said they want to legalize marijuana in Colorado. Robin said there's a big billboard out there that shows a woman smiling and saying she prefers that over alcohol. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about the reasons they should legalize marijuana. Howard said it would be cool to see packages of marijuana. Howard said they could have classy pot ads on TV and things. Howard said he wouldn't use it but he's not against the legalization. Howard said he thinks it would cut down on crime and it makes sense to him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she is tired of him cock blocking. She said she wants to go out with Robin. Howard said she doesn't want a woman. The caller said that she will start out being friends. Howard said that maybe Robin should go out for drinks. The woman said she was on AGT and she got booed off before the crowd could even hear her. Howard asked what she does. She said she sings. She said she was the one with the bow tie. Howard said he doesn't remember her. He said there are some shit heads and assholes who think they're talented and they're not. The woman said that she wasn't able to sing because they booed her off stage. Howard said Robin doesn't have time for this. He hung up on her.
Robin read about Melissa Gilbert hitting her head on Dancing with the Stars last night. She had to go to the hospital. Robin had some audio of one of the dancers talking about how she may have a concussion. Howard said there's such drama on that show.
Robin read about a fight between Arsenio Hall and Lisa Lampanelli on Celebrity Apprentice. Howard said Lisa Lampanelli was fighting with Lou Ferrigno on the show. Howard played some audio of Lou and Lisa on Celebrity Apprentice. Lou said if Lisa was a man he'd throw her through the wall. The two of them went back and forth arguing for a couple of minutes.
Howard said that was pretty good. He said he liked that. Robin said she's going to fight with Arsenio Hall too. Howard had some audio of that fight too. They were arguing about what Arsenio had said to one of the other contestants. Howard said Arsenio has really sunk low. He said he's on Celebrity Apprentice arguing with Lisa Lampanelli. Howard said Arsenio used to have it made. Howard had to end the show a short time later. They were done around 10:15am.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Debbie the Pet Lady needs help. Jon agreed. He said there are a lot of people with issues who call into the show. He said that she's all over the place with her thoughts. He said he thinks that she was mad at Eric the Midget and with Howard and she's tough to follow. Jon said it's tough to hear her lose it on the air like that.
The caller said that Ass Napkin Ed was getting her going too. He said he can't imagine what she'd be like as a wife or girlfriend. Jon said it would be interesting to say the least.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he was thinking about Hanzi the other day and how they hadn't heard from him in a while. Jon said Hanzi did jump right back into some of the stuff that he's known for. Jon said Hanzi believes all of those conspiracy theories too. The caller said the whole thing with Johnny and Eric was great too. Jon said that they had Eric, Johnny, Ass Napkin and Debbie on at the same time. He said it can get crazy.
Gary finally showed up so Jon talked to him about the Debbie the Pet Lady call. Jon was saying that he might be mentally ill but Gary disagreed. He said Eric might be delusional but he's not mentally ill like Hanzi, Debbie and Ed are. Jon said that Eric did the smart thing and laid back and just said his thing when he had the chance. Gary said Eric isn't the kind of guy to jump in. Jon said that's part of his genius. He said it's great to hear how Howard manages all of that.
Gary said he was surprised at Hanzi's conspiracy theories and how he thinks everything evolves around him. He said Debbie is the same way. They think that the show revolves around them. They talked about Debbie staying calm for one minute and then freaking out like Yosemite Sam when she was finally able to. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that Tim talked about the ride and it doesn't sound fun to him at all. Jon said that they found out that Jim McClure helped Tim out with his pants. Jim said that Tim was joking about the whole thing the whole day. He said that he thought that he was joking about the pants but he did call him asking to help him out with his pants. He said he just did the one button. He said he can zip his pants but the button is tough for Tim to do. JD said the last thing you want to hear is ''Can you come to the bathroom to help me?''
Gary said he thinks that's worse than him having to go to Howard's apartment to clean up the cum tissues. Gary said he was able to take a big paper towel to pick those things up.
Jim said he's known Tim for about 20 years. He said he thought it would never have to be discussed again. He said he didn't know that Tim was going to bring it up on the air.
Tim came in and said that it's not natural for men to button and unbutton each other's pants. He said he felt very weird doing it. Benjy asked if he would have used Jared if he was still there. Tim said they're interchangeable.
Jon asked Tim why he says ''I says'' instead of ''I said.'' Tim said he's not sure. He said it might be a Philly thing.
Jon asked about the motorcycle ride and why he does it. Tim said it's a great thing and this Chris Haines group does an amazing job. He said the things you see and the things you experiences...
Gary asked Tim if they're all strangers. Tim said some of them were strangers but some were people he knew. He said that they're going to be friends for life. Jon asked if it's like a skydiving thing where you might not make it back. Tim said he feels comfortable on a motorcycle. He said some people don't but he enjoys it.
Tim said they all have long days there but his day doesn't end until 9 at night. He said that he was out on this trip for a week and it was great. He said he was energized and ready to come back to work. Jon asked if they just hang out after their ride. Tim said they go to some great restaurants and they see some great scenery. He said it's the ultimate guy's vacation.
Tim said they ran into this 91 year old guy in the middle of nowhere. He said he has a little store in the middle of nowhere. He said he has a 7-Eleven sign there and his dogs eat the other dogs when they die. He said it's really wild.
Gary asked Tim how far he is from civilisation. Tim said they're about 100 miles. He said they could helicopter in and out. Tim said he gets a kick out of the whole thing.
Gary said a crazy vacation for Howard is going to a hotel. Tim said he likes doing physical activities when he's on vacation. He said he wasn't always like that. He said he used to be so focused on work and now it's nice to have a diversion.
Jon asked Tim about Debbie asking to get paid. Tim said no one gets paid. He said Ed didn't get anything from them. Tim said he doesn't know where that came from but he must have made it up.
Tim said he'll be going to see AGT this week and he can't wait to see it. Tim said he hasn't seen this kind of hysteria since the Beatles. Tim said Howard is a brand builder and he can make or break something. He said he is an incredible person as far as making things happen.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the ''I says'' thing is a Minnesota kind of thing. Tim said he doesn't know. He said he didn't even know he was saying it. Gary said he never noticed it before today. Tim said he loves this place.
Jon said that he's sitting next to JD, the king of the block party. Jon said that JD had two girls in two different towns. He asked JD if he doesn't' want to do the shows anymore. JD said he's sure he'll go out again but not on a regular basis. Gary asked what the down side is. JD said the downside is when people don't like you and you put on a shitty show. He said there are lots of minuses. He said he's not a fan of traveling either. Gary said he hasn't seen one negative thing about him on this show so far. JD said that's good. He said it's like the Ugly Meter thing. He doesn't want to do that either. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon said that Richard's reaction was great and he was so happy to hear the news. He said with Scott the Engineer it seems like he's so anguished with the whole idea of the block party. He said it sounds like he doesn't want to be there. Gary said he thinks that if JD was on the show then Scott could drop out.
Shuli said that Scott has to do the shows in San Francisco and Sacramento. He said if JD agreed to do the shows then he'd drop Scott from the line up. Scott showed up and said that they're saying that they doubled his salary but they didn't. He said that he gets a flat fee.
Gary asked Scott if the flat fee is double what the minimum was. Scott said it is. Shuli said that's doubling his pay. Gary said he's guaranteed to get that money every time. Scott said he thought it was going to be the three of them. Shuli said that he's backing out of shows and that's why he had to get more people on the show. Scott said that he had to back out and he can't get into why. He said it's a personal issue. Shuli asked what's going to keep that from happening again. Scott said it won't happen again.
Gary asked if the personal issue is the same issue that kept him from doing shows for less money. Gary said that it's now three shows that he's dropped out. Benjy asked if it had anything to do with Chris Haines Motorcycle Adventures.
Jon said they put this whole tour together for Scott and he's the one backing out. Shuli said he asked Scott about some dates in November and he's not sure he can do it because his anniversary is that weekend. Shuli said he'd be fine with that if he made it to this last show. Scott said he wondered if they could change the date of that show in November. He said he's in for that show. Shuli said he said the same thing about Chicago and Arizona but then he backed out.
Ronnie said that he had to get someone to replace him so he got JD to do it. He said he asked Scott who he's going to get to replace him. Scott's answer was to get his son to replace him. Scott said if he wanted him to get someone he would work on it.
Jon said that Scott and Ronnie are pissed at each other but they joke around about it. Shuli is the one who isn't laughing. Scott said that the promoter is spending their money on the cost of the trip out there. Shuli was yelling at Scott about how he has no right to complain about that when he wasn't out there working. Scott said that the promoter waited a month late to book flights and he thinks that's not right. Jon asked Shuli why he doesn't just cut him out. Scott said he told him he can do that. Shuli said that Scott wants to get more money for the door deals and his solution is to double his minimum and he'll come home with money in his pocket no matter what. Ronnie said he's going to get Howie Mandel to do the shows since he's out on the road all the time. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard Too Sick, Leaves Early. 04/12/05. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: Ponce de La Phone prank calls a talk show and gives them a ''Baba Booey,'' ''Baba Booey'' song parody by Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy, Wheel of Fortune mention of Howard Stern, Joe Walsh performing ''Eyes of the Confessor'' live in Howard's Studio.
Howard started off the show saying that he's still sick as a dog and he doesn't know why he came in. He thought he'd be able to talk but he really had a hard time. Artie told him he was a real trooper for coming in at all. Howard is suffering from laryngitis and a cold but he thought he could do the show. His voice is shot and he could barely speak. He apologized for waking everyone up to come in after that. Artie said he had the chance to see Cabbie this morning so it was all worth it. Howard tried to rest yesterday even though he did have some stuff to do after the show. He didn't do anything last night but the cold is still with him. He said that he's going to try and make it through the show anyway. Howard said he has this thing where people tend to think that he's lying if he takes a sick day off. Fred played a clip of a baseball player making a speech where the guy could barely speak and it sounded similar to Howard.
Howard tried to save his voice by playing the prank call they made to a sex line using the Pat O'Brien audio clips. They played the call yesterday for the first time and the woman on the other line ends up hanging up on them after ''Pat'' asks her about doing coke because she's not allowed to discuss stuff like that on the phone because it's against the rules. Robin thinks the ''woman'' sounds an awful lot like a guy. Howard said he likes that there are rules for a phone sex line. He said the FBI must be waiting to bust people like that.
King of All Blacks called in and told Howard how dedicated he is and how he really shouldn't have come in today. He said that the audience doesn't care about him personally and he should just go home and try to get better. He suggested some hot water with apple cider vinegar to make his voice better. Howard said that he'd rather throw up than drink that. He hung up on King and talked about how Tom had him scheduled to read about 10 live commercials today and he just can't do it. Fred told Howard that he actually has 14 live commercials to read today.
Howard said that he's going home today because it's so bad but he had to clear something up. In the Daily News today there's something kind of embarrassing to him so he wanted to talk about that. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that he asked Louis to pull all of the live commercials Howard has done recently so they can replace the live stuff today. Howard went on to talk about the article in the NY Daily News. They claim that Howard was wearing black gloves when he ate Hors D'oeuvre's at Fran Dresher's party on Friday night. He said that's an out-and-out lie. He wore the gloves to the party, took them off, and then put them back on when he left. He claims he didn't even eat anything there. They're trying to make him sound like a lunatic by writing stuff like that.
Howard said he was out of there because he just had nothing for us. His voice was shot but he didn't know what they were going to play. Gary came in and told him that they have a great Best of Stern to play so they were fine. Artie said that he was going to go hit some fungo balls if they leave early. Cabbie came in and told Howard that Tom told him to come in and make it The Cabbie Show. Cabbie also told Howard about something that happened this morning with Gary. He said that the guy in the lobby gave him Gary's mail at about 2 in the morning so he put it in his backpack. Gary came to him and asked him where his mail was so Cabbie told him to hold on a minute. Gary got upset that he didn't put the stuff on his desk. He also said that he could have just slid the stuff under his door but Cabbie said that it was really graphic stuff and he didn't want to leave it there for everyone to see. It turns out that it's a drawing of private parts, it's not even real pictures. Gary was also upset that Cabbie was chattering away while Howard was trying to figure out if he was going to end the show early or not.
Robin asked Cabbie if he's off of the porn or not now. Cabbie said that he is but Gary said that he was asking for porn from him this morning. Cabbie said that he was just kidding about that. Howard asked Cabbie where his babysitter was to keep an eye on him. Cabbie said he was out in the hall with a rifle.
Hook Nose Mike called in and said that Howard sounded just as bad as Artie did the time he called in sick. He also asked Howard if Fred has ever called in sick. Howard said that he calls in sick every day, you just don't know it. Fred replayed the call Artie made to Gary when he called in sick one time. Artie thanked him for that. Artie claimed that he couldn't talk but he was talking quite a bit. They had taken Artie's call and made a prank call to a place and had him calling in sick to that place but the guy had no idea who it was.
Another caller told Howard that they liked Cabbie better when he was on coke and all wacked out. Another caller said that Cabbie is a constant source of material and they always have something on him. It's like total nuttiness with him every day. Cabbie thought that one of Imus' guys was stealing his schtick and doing the same kind of stuff that he was doing. Howard said he was going to try and hang in there but he wasn't sure if he was going to make it through the show. Cabbie told him he looked like a mess this morning. His face was read, his hair was all messed up and he looked all ''sexed over'' for some reason. Artie told Howard that he could be home sleeping in 20 minutes if he just ended it now. Cabbie told him he won't be any good for tomorrow if he doesn't go home. Howard thought he was starting to clear up but Gary asked him why he does that to himself. He thought he should just go home.
Cabbie told Howard that he was being a nebbish right now but Howard figured he didn't even know what that word meant. Cabbie said he did know and he wasn't going to tell him. Howard argued with him for a few seconds but he was so far gone he said he was going to go home. Cabbie kept on him about some stuff he wanted to talk to him about but Howard told him he'd talk to him when he's better. Cabbie had e-mailed him about something but he didn't want to bring it up on the air. Howard said he was going to leave but took one more phone call. The guy told Howard he can't pull this kind of stuff when he moves to the new place because he doesn't want to be paying fourteen bucks a month to hear that. Howard corrected the guy and said it's $12.95 a month. He went to break after that.
In this clip Howard played a ''Beaver Break'' bit where they do a parody of Leave it to Beaver. He played the clip where he plays the Beaver and Robin plays his mom.
After the bit Howard took a call from a guy who was complaining about them knocking Yonkers in the bit. Howard goofed on the caller about his complaint. Howard said he lived in Yonkers and told the caller not to take it so serious. He said it's just a joke. The caller said he knows that. Howard said some people take it so seriously when they live somewhere.
In the clip Howard was talking to Robin about how good she is about being an ambassador for the show. He said she's the opposite of Jackie. Robin agreed and goofed on Jackie a little bit. Howard said he could see Jackie was working on a comeback for that.
Howard said yesterday Robin did a book signing and he wanted to stop by and see how things were going. He said he finished up his meeting and headed over. Howard said he had to be back on Long Island by 1:15 or so. Howard said he figured he could hang with Robin for 15 minutes or so and then get out of there. Howard said he got there around 12:15. Howard said he saw a bunch of camera guys and a lot of people. He said that people thought it was Robin pulling up. He said he figured Robin was there but Ronnie figured she wasn't there yet. Howard said Robin must have been pulling the late thing. Robin said she wasn't doing anything like that. Howard said he got pissed off. He figured he'd just go in and wait. Howard said if he walks in first then it's like him trying to upstage Robin. He wanted to be sensitive to that.
Howard said he told Ronnie to wait and then it was like 12:20 and then 12:25. Howard said Robin didn't show up until after 12:30. Howard said people were banging on the car and stuff. Robin said she can't believe she was that late. Howard said she was. Robin said she wanted to be there by 12. Howard said that's what Gary said. He said they had to do the waiting shtick though. Robin said they had to meet and take photographs and have motorcycles bring her down there. She said they had the Hell's Angels bring her down there. Howard said that's the PR guys doing all of that.
Robin said standing out of the roof of the car was the goofiest thing she did. Howard said he saw that on the news. Howard said he pulled around the block and saw a really hot girl in a mini-skirt standing there. He said he just wanted to help her into the car.
Howard said he did a signing like a year ago or so. He said every time he did a book signing Robin would come. He said someone from the show would come by. He said Jackie wouldn't come though. Howard said he never really asked him to come. He said if you want to come then you come. Howard said Jackie would say he was thinking about coming by but he never did. He said he'd say he and Nancy might come by but he never would.
Howard said Jackie has some psychological thing where he has to announce he's coming but he won't show up. Howard said it's like he's giving him a big F-you. Howard said he's not sure what happens to Jackie but he wants to reject you. Howard said Robin announced that everyone showed up but Jackie. Robin said she invited everyone to come down and everyone said yes. She said she was shocked when Jackie said yes. Howard said Jackie told him he had to go over there too. Howard said he was talking it up like he had to be there.
Howard said Jackie was going to come. He said that in the back of his mind he must have thought that they'd be disappointed if he didn't show up so that's why he didn't show up. Jackie said he's so full of crap. Howard said he wants to hear the real reason then. Jackie said that he hadn't left by quarter of 12 and he had to do a bunch of things. He said he had to take his nephew to a game in the city and he didn't think he owed anyone an explanation.
Howard said Jackie was running around saying that he was going to be there and he didn't show up. Fred said he was very enthusiastic. Howard said it's a ''cool'' move that Jackie does.
Howard said they have a movie screening that Robin can't go to. Howard said Gary can't go either. Jackie said to him that he wants to go. Howard said he's not sure he can definitely go either. Howard said he asked Jackie if he's going or not and Jackie said his schedule is flexible. Howard said he asked Jackie if he's going to go if he doesn't go himself. Howard said they're going to see this Stewart Smally movie because Harold Ramis asked them to go. Howard said Harold can make a great movie like Groundhog Day but then he makes a movie like that Club Paradise. Howard said Harold thinks they're all good. Howard said when he was putting together the team for his movie his name came up and he thought it was cool but Harold wasn't sure if he should make a movie like that. Howard said he'll make a movie with Al Franken but not Howard Stern? Howard said he doesn't want to see two hours of that character Al does.
Howard said he has fans and he's cutting edge and people are dying to see his movie. Howard said he's not sure what Ramis is afraid of. Howard said he just wanted to get Harold's feelings about the movie. He said they all want to know what it's all about but there's no reason for that.
Howard said he wants to see what this Stewart Smally movie is all about. He said he doesn't really like the character but he wants to see what this is all about.
Howard asked Gary what he thinks about this Jackie thing. Gary said he just remembered that Jackie didn't come to his bachelor party. Howard said he didn't come to a lot of the parties they had at Scores and things like that. Howard said Jackie is always angry at them or maybe just him. He said no one is offering Jackie this big salary but the one place that is, he's always angry at. Howard said Jackie thinks people are going to miss him and he doesn't show up. Robin said he thinks he's the life of the party and it's going to suck without him.
Howard said Jackie will show up for some things but he misses out on things that are for them. Howard said that he's like Mr. Drysdale on Beverly Hillbillies to Jackie. Howard said Jackie is the only one who won't come to a party for someone like Fred. Robin said he did show up to that Fred party. She remembered him telling her jokes in the corner there.
Jackie said that Howard and Robin are full of crap. Howard said they are not. Howard said if he says he's going somewhere he actually goes. Howard said Jackie isn't like that at all.
Howard said he was talking to Gary about doing a Scores party for Scott Einziger. He noticed Gary's teeth while they were talking about that. Howard said his teeth really are big. Robin said it looks like a garage that has too many cars in it. Howard said his lip won't even close over them. Howard told Gary to close his mouth. Jackie said if you're real quiet you can hear the strain of the lips over the teeth.
Howard said they were going to do the Scores party this Friday. He said he asked Jackie if he was okay to do it on Friday and he said his schedule is flexible. Howard said he'd bet he won't show up.
Gary said they can do it on Friday but they may not get all of the girls they want. He said it's Good Friday so they may be on vacation. Howard said maybe the Friday after that then. Gary said he can't do it then because he'll be going on vacation. He said Howard doesn't need him there though. Howard said he has to check his schedule too.
Howard told Gary to call his wife and tell her he's going to Scott's bachelor party and ask what time he has to be home. Howard said he thinks he has to be home to see some people. Robin said he's always out of there pretty early though. Howard said he doesn't want the pressure of having to leave if he's having a good time. He said he'll end up going home all smelly from the club.
Howard said they went to see a movie once and goofed on all of the people in the movie. He said he thought the movie was great but it was only great because he was there with Jackie goofing on the stars in the movie. Jackie said they were like Beavis and Butt-Head. Howard said one guy left because they were being so loud in there. Howard said he had to take a break. He said he's done with Jackie for now.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who heard Stuttering John's radio show on WYSP the day before. Howard said he's amazed that they let him on the station to give away tickets to his show. The caller said that John didn't have much to say and all he did was give away those tickets.
Howard said they caught John in a grammatical error this morning. Jackie said John said something nice to Howard about him looking nice. Jackie said John asked ''What do I do to attain some joke cards...'' Howard said he meant to say ''obtain.'' Howard said college is a joke because guys like that get through.
John came in and asked if it was really that bad yesterday. John said that everyone calling in dug the show. He said everyone but this guy. The caller said that everyone wanted tickets to his band's show. John said that this guy sat there through the whole show and he still calls in with this. John said this is the only guy who is giving bad feedback about the show. Howard said that the one percent that call in doesn't really mean anything.
Howard said he was in the studios of WPIX when they were new wave he said they had the phones ringing off the hook. He said calls don't mean anything. He said just because you get calls doesn't mean you have any ratings.
Gary said he had some audio from John's show. Howard played some of that. John was doing his show with a girl so Howard asked who she was. John told Howard who she was and Howard played more of the audio. The caller was still goofing on John about his bad show. John said this caller is up at 5 in the morning listening to the show. The caller said he's getting ready to go to work and make some money unlike John.
Howard said he was liking this show John is doing with the caller. He said it's entertaining. Howard said he would have given his left nut to get on WYSP. He said he feels bad for the other DJs there. John didn't have to do what they had to do to get a show there.
Howard played some of John's show where he was introducing a Led Zeppelin song. Howard laughed after hearing the intro for the song. John said it was so horrible wasn't it? Howard said he's digging his show. John said maybe they can bring stones and stone him at his next gig. The caller said John is very insecure. John said it was his first time around so of course he's insecure.
Howard said he's not sure where this grammar comes from with John. John said he hasn't slept in like 4 days now. He said that's why he can't talk. Howard said it's not like he changes when he gets more sleep. John and the caller went back and forth arguing for a few seconds.
Howard said his whole career just flashed in front of his eyes. He said he's on the air in 3 cities and he just wondered where he found John. He said he's wondering why John is there. He said it's frightening. Howard said he never thought he'd be doing this. Howard said maybe he did all of this work so John could get on the air and argue with this caller.
Gary told Howard he had a 5 minute phone call John did on the air during his show. John asked if he pulled the worst stuff. Gary said he just pulled the first few things from the show. John said he got better as the night went on. Gary said John stutters a lot more when he doesn't sit down in there. Robin said they shouldn't let him sit down anymore.
Howard played John's call from his show. John was talking about a show he had coming up in Dunellen, New Jersey. The caller asked where that was and John was saying it's in Dunellen. Robin said that John wasn't even saying it correctly so the caller was correcting him. Howard said he had to go do a commercial now. The caller said we have enough homeless in Philly so he should stay in New York. John didn't like that. John said this show was okay for his first time around. Howard said he didn't say anything. It was fine.
Howard played more of John's show where he was talking to the caller. John invited the caller to his show. He put him on the guest list but asked him a bunch of questions before doing that. Howard said he liked the reaction John had to the guy's response when he asked if he was married. John and the caller spent a few minutes talking. John said he had to go to play some music. He kept calling people ''guy'' so Howard picked up on that and goofed on him about that.
Howard said that's some show he has there. Howard spent some time goofing on John about the way he talks to people. Howard said his show was really very entertaining. He said he can leave now. He told him to stop trying to be like him every minute. He gave him a plug for his show that he's doing in Dunellen. Howard said the tickets are going fast. He said he almost gave all of them away last night.
Howard said he and his wife are thinking about having another child and he wonders what it would be like to have a son like John. Robin said it would be like a horror film.
The intern said that she actually gets butterflies when Artie comes out and talks to her. She was invited to Starbucks one day and was thrilled that he invited her. KC came in and said that a couple of other hot interns were saying the same thing. Artie told them all that they were in luck because he thinks Dana is leaving him for Walter Hudson. Howard said he will never diet again after seeing this. One of the interns said that she thinks Artie is physically hot. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
In the clip Howard was talking about how he needs to sign with the company to do less days per week. He said he'd like to do 4 days a week. Howard said that's what Jackie would want. Howard said this show is holding him back from doing his other projects. Howard said he knows he could do other things if he had more time off. Howard said he could go out at night because he wouldn't have to get up in the morning. Howard said he could make joke cards like Jackie does.
Howard said he and Jackie were in the office and Shelly was there changing into outfits for them. Howard said he and Jackie are the fashion experts there. Howard said they were telling her that her knees are kind of chubby and they'd ask her to try something else on. Howard said she looked better with a body stocking on. Howard said his wife says he's rough on her. Howard said Jackie must be brutal. He said he knows he's not a bad guy but he's not sure about Jackie.
Howard and Robin goofed on Jackie about his Jokeland thing and how his wife must be known as Jokewoman. Fred played some goofy music and Howard told him he should play that every time they talk about Jackie. Howard liked that music and said that Fred has been searching for that music for years.
Scott The Engineer's Public Reaming. 4/12/99. 6:05am
Howard returned from his one week vacation this morning and the first thing he did was read a memo from the head engineer, Ritchie Herbie, about how Scott the Engineer spilled a drink on his board. Scott explained that he spilled a bowl of cereal on a phone hybrid last Wednesday and admitted it to his boss, Ritchie. Scott said Ritchie told him it was no big deal but when he came in this morning the memo was posted on his door. It was also sent out to just about everyone at the station. It basically said that Scott spilled the drink on some equipment and that it could happen to anyone who brings a drink near the equipment. It was a warning to everyone else in the station not to spill. If you were wondering what kind of cereal Scott was eating, it was Crispix.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who said he was drinking with Jackie down in Atlantic City after his show down there. Howard asked if that's true. Jackie said he may have been. He said he had a bunch of people from K-Rock down there with him.
Gary said the funny thing about Jackie is that he was upset that there was no beer left between shows there. Jackie said they did run out and he wasn't able to get started until 1:30 in the morning. Gary said the whole world revolves around Budweiser. Gary said it's not like he can't afford to buy a ton of cases himself. Howard said Jackie is always complaining about some disservice that was done to him. It's never enough.
Howard said Jackie didn't talk about how well he was treated. Jackie said they treated him very well down there. Howard said Jackie is white trash.
Howard and Robin were doing their Jackie impressions goofing on his constant complaining. Gary said he worked with Jackie at NYU once and the most important thing was having Budweiser in the dressing room. Jackie said you have to have your priorities in line. Howard said Jackie is such an alcoholic. Gary said a couple of things about his drinking so Jackie asked him if he has teeth to brush.
Fred played Jackie's ''Another Glass Of Fool's Gold'' song and did his Jackie impression while it played. Then he played another one of his goofy songs. Robin and the guys were all goofing on him about those awful songs. Howard said they should make a Jackie tribute album and just do this one song. Jackie said he wrote that song 25 years ago. He said it still makes him smile.
Fred played another Jackie song and that one was about pot. Howard said he smoked some pot the other day. He said the guy uses cardboard as a filter tip. He said that way the joint doesn't get wet. Jackie said they do that in Amsterdam too. Gary asked Howard what he's up to. Howard said he was impressed with the rolling of the joint so he tried it. Howard said he doesn't find it comfortable smoking it though. He said the filter blew his mind. Gary said Howard was so against that and now he drinks wine and smokes pot. Howard said it's once in a blue moon. Howard said Jackie is all smelly and drunk from doing that stuff.
Gary told Howard that Fred walked out of an event once because of the way Jackie was acting. He said they were out in L.A. at the time. He said that Jackie was in his room and not responding to them. He said they had the phone ringing and were banging on the door. He said Jackie eventually woke up after 45 minutes and came to the door. Howard said there shouldn't be a story like that in your life. Jackie said it was a few years ago.
Gary said he walked Jackie to his room that night and put him to bed. Gary said they were at a Grammny party and they said that Jackie was in his room screaming and that Fred had left already. Howard said that's the way Jackie acts. He said they were down in New Orleans and Jackie forgot which hotel they were staying in. He said they ended up in the wrong hotel. Stuttering John was the one who told that story so he came in and quickly told it again before they went to break.
In the clip Howard was talking about Gary's bad teeth when he brought up braces. Howard said his mother thought that they would make his teeth loose so she refused to get them for him. Howard said his mother heard about a kid who lost his teeth after getting braces so she thought that was going to happen to him. Howard said she told him it wasn't natural. Howard said Dr. Kaufman had to knock out half his teeth to get his right. Howard said they just never got them.
Robin said Gary's older brothers got them and he didn't. Howard asked if his mom looked at his teeth and saw that his lips didn't cover his teeth. Gary said his mom's teeth are bad too. He said she has caps that are worse than his. Howard said Gary's father has good teeth. Gary said his dad could have stepped in at any time but he didn't.
Gary asked what he can do now. Jackie said ''Make fun of them!'' Howard said he thinks Dr. Kaufman could do things to make it better. He said he thinks that he has very thick caps and they look very heavy. John said that they must have better caps now. Gary said he just got them done not that long ago.
Jackie said if they did put in normal size teeth then Gary's lips would hang like curtains. Howard said Gary swipes his teeth a lot with his tongue. Gary said his whole mouth gets dry. Howard said that's because he can't close his mouth. Gary said he wasn't' able to play the trumpet when he was young because of those lips and teeth. Gary said he is open to some other ideas. He said that even Jim Carrey has big caps and he's a rich guy. Howard said Jim doesn't look like Gary. He said Jim doesn't look bad in person. Gary said he thought he had big caps.
The guys were talking about getting laminates like Howard did. Gary said he cant do that because he already has caps. John thought he could get laminates over the little nubs that are under the caps.
Jackie said if Gary gets those teeth fixed then he'll stop drinking. Gary said he's done after they goofed on him some more.
Jackie asked if anyone has ever given Gary regular sized teeth on the computer to see what he'd look like. Howard said he has.
In the clip Howard talked about Jackie doing a show once and he crapped his pants when he was singing a song. Howard said Jackie went to the bathroom and took his underpants off and threw them in the garbage and ran out. Howard said he just left them there in the garbage. Howard said he hasn't done that since he was in kindergarten. Howard said he buried those in his parent's back yard. Howard said his mom would clean them when he had skid marks but he didn't think he could get them clean. Howard said this was worse than the ''grit'' that she had cleaned before. Howard said he went to the back yard and just buried those underpants.
Howard asked Robin to do some news. Robin said she had a sex quiz for them to take. Howard had Gary bring in the sound buzzers for them. Robin wanted to make a whole game out of this quiz. Robin became the host and introduced everyone who was going to be playing. Billy West was left out of the game.
Howard had Robin get to this quiz. Robin asked what the average size of an erect penis is. Howard said 4-6 inches. Robin said he was wrong. Jackie guessed 5-7. Robin said it's actually 5-6 inches.
Robin asked what the Electra Complex is. Fred guessed it had something to do with the mother. Robin said it's when a girl wants to sleep with her dad.
Robin asked who claims to still be a virgin and gave a multiple choice. The correct answer was A.C. Green. No one knew who that was.
Robin asked another question and Howard and Jackie both answered. Robin asked what AstroGlide is. Howard got that one right. It's a lubricant. Robin asked what a Prince Albert is. Fred said that's when you take it in the can. Jackie said it's when you want to take it from your brother. Robin said it's actually a pierced penis.
Robin asked what a fratage is. Fred said it's when you rub another person to get off. Robin said it's mutual rubbing. She asked what a bottle room is. Howard said that's where you go to be milked. Fred wanted to answer with two answers but Howard told him to just use one. It turns out a bottle room is a place to drink champagne with an exotic dancer.
Robin went through a few more questions and wrapped up a short time later. Robin asked what a shrimper is. Howard said it's the vein in your genital. Howard was wrong. Robin said it's actually a foot worshiper. They went to break a short time later.
Who's Smarter Than Fred? 4/12/00. 9:15am
Howard is going to have a game in the near future where a couple of people will go up against Fred in a general knowledge quiz. The winner will get a Kawasaki Vulcan motorcycle. Howard had a guy on the phone who wants to play so he did an impromptu test on the guy. It turned into a 20 minute segment with tons of questions. Nobody won or lost because it was just kind of a test for this guy on the phone. He did well enough that he'll be up against Fred when they do the game in the studio. Here are some of the questions they asked:
In the clip Howard was telling Robin about how he noticed that Gary walks hands free back to the office after the show. Howard said he decided to make Gary carry all of his stuff starting yesterday. He said Gary carried the stuff back to the office and it's really not lightweight stuff. He said he carries his laptop and that thing weighs like 7 pounds.
Howard said Gary is usually the first one to greet him. He said Scott Einziger waits outside his door. Howard said he sat down and had his cold potatoes. Howard said Gary came in and said he had to talk to him about some things alone. Howard said he had time to do it so he wasn't sure what the rush was. Howard said Tom came in and told them they're getting the computers they asked for. Howard said they need those devices to draw special pictures. Gary said he wanted to explain this phony phone call. Howard told him to calm down and let him work his way into it.
Howard said Robin worked her way into the meeting and Gary thinks that she works her way into any conversation they have there. Howard said Robin came in and then Jackie shows up on time. He said it's good they're all there together. Howard said he's told Fred to show up on time so he can get to the meeting. Howard said he just can't do it though. He said he'll walk in late and he's of no use to him if he does that. Howard said he can't take it anymore. Howard said Fred would be invaluable if he was there. He said he's not there so he can't be invaluable.
Howard said Jackie has to explain to Fred what's going on and he has no ability to do that. Howard said he sits there listening to them and Jackie tries to explain it. Howard said he won't explain it correctly so he has to cut him off.
Howard said he wants Gange to follow Fred to see what he's up to. Fred said he's not submitting to that crap. He said he isn't going to put up with that. Robin said everyone else does. Fred said he'd like to see Robin with a camera up her ass. Robin said she has one up her ass.
Howard asked Fred what he's going to do if he has a camera on him. Fred said he'll take it away from him. Howard asked who he thinks he is. Fred asked who Howard thinks he is.
Howard and Fred went back and forth talking about the system Howard thinks Fred should come up with. Fred said the interns don't know what to do. Howard asked where Fred goes after the show. Steve Grillo said he cleans up after Fred. Fred said yesterday he doesn't remember what happened. He said he has like 14,000 things going on. Howard asked what he has going on. Fred said he can't remember.
Howard asked Fred where he's been lately. Fred said he doesn't remember. Howard said he disappears for 15 minutes and doesn't remember. Howard asked what he has going on. Fred doesn't remember.
Howard told Fred what he should do is come to the meeting for 10 minutes and then meet with Scott. He said that's what he needs from Fred. Fred said ''Yes, master.'' Howard said he's going to miss him bossing him around when he gets fired. Howard said he doesn't know why he fights him on this stuff.
Howard asked Grillo where Fred goes. Grillo doesn't know either. Grillo said he appears to be doing thins there but he's not sure exactly what it is. Howard asked if Fred is smoking again. Fred said he thinks Howard is smoking again and it ain't cigarettes.
Howard said they have to keep a camera on Fred. Fred said he'll take that camera away from him if he does that. He said he can do whatever he wants. Howard said Fred has to figure out a system. Fred said there are things that need to be done and he's getting them done. Fred said that he wishes he could do the job that Robin is doing to him. They went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard introduced the bit as a parody of a Marlee Matlin movie. Howard and Fred starred as the gay characters in the movie. Howard was the deaf character. Billy West played Harvey Firestein and some other characters in the bit.
Sparkles. 4-12-96. There have been some odd people on the Howard Stern show in the past but this woman has just taken wackiness to a new level. At about 10:30 this morning, a college student came in to the studio, did her stuff and wouldn't leave! Her main story was about cleansing her bowels. She was telling her homemade recipe for flushing her colon. One night she ate some Taco Bell crap, the next day she went on a caffeine only diet. She drank tons of coffee to loosen herself up. And when she'd get hungry she'd just drink spring water. Whatever she was talking about must have been dirty because the delay was f'n up the show big time. It was hard to follow the story. Anyway, she went on to plug some bands and her college down in North Carolina. Then Howard asked her to leave and she'd just say ''wait, I have to tell you...'' Howard must have done that like 5 times! Gary told her that if she didn't leave that they'd go to break and he wouldn't be so nice getting her out of the studio. Then she pulls out a CD of some band and asks Howard to play it and she'll strip. Howard played a little of it just to get her the hell out of the studio. After doing all of that, she finally left the studio. By then, Howard had a woody because she was so good looking. All the guys agreed that she's someone that they'd have sex with but they wouldn't be able to sleep afterwards because they'd be afraid of what she might do.
In the clip Howard was going through some news and read about Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson's break up. Howard also talked about how he read Teri Hatcher is going to be naked in a movie called ''Cool Surface.'' Howard read that story and said she has great cans. Robin said she read about her career and how she had a lot of jobs before she was in the Superman show. Howard said she has breasts of steel.
Howard said the best thing he read in the rag magazines was about Carrie Fisher. Howard said they get the greatest information in these magazines. Howard read about how Carrie Fisher's boyfriend left her for a man. Howard said that's a great story. Howard read some of the details about that weird story. Howard said Carrie says she was hit by a truck and didn't see this coming. They talk about this guy he ran off with.
Howard said they claim that people were stunned by this story out in Hollywood. Howard asked how anyone out there can be stunned by this story. He said he gets overwhelmed with some of these stories. He said that's some story to wake up to. Howard said he doesn't find her attractive at all. He said he's not sure how she got cast as a princess. He said that hairdo didn't help either.
Gary told Howard they'll have the Teri Hatcher movie there in two days. Howard said he can't wait to see it. Robin said they have a Superman poster there and the only thing you see with her is breast.
Howard said he thinks that Luke Skywalker is cuter than Carrie Fisher. He said that even the Wookie is cuter. Howard said there must be a good reason that the guy left Carrie. He said that she must have been really bad. Howard said that's a wild story and it must wreck a woman's whole psyche.
Howard said that Carrie shouldn't call her dad for advice. He said he's straight but not very good at picking relationships. Howard said that's too bad actually. Howard said if he was single he'd be with some young broads. Robin said she'd like to see that. She said she can hear him saying he wants to just stay home. Howard said he would be going out. Howard said he loves girls. He said Teri Hatcher is a girl.
Robin said she'd like to see him actually get to know some of these women. Howard said Robin thinks he cares if they're nice people. Robin said he wouldn't be able to stay with them for 10 minutes. Howard said if he was single he would goof on these people. He said he would have sex with them and then go back to them and claim he's in love with their father. He talked about doing that with Carrie Fisher.
In the clip Howard was talking about this guy who sent a note about writing a screenplay and having Sam Kinison out to dinner for a meeting. Howard said the guy says that Sam showed up drunk and he was screaming and yelling about everyone. He said Sam made an entrance like a bull. Howard said this writer held the script under the table and then Sam ordered a bunch of food. He ordered a ton of food. The guy reaches down for the script and all of Sam's friends are there drinking. About an hour later Sam asks him to tell him about the script. The guy pulls the script out and shows it to Sam. Then Sam pukes up all of that food on the script. He said Sam left the restaurant without ever reading the script.
Howard said Steve Grillo went to California and saw Arsenio Hall in a restaurant out there. Howard said Grillo got some balls and went up to Arsenio. Howard had Steve come in to tell the story. Howard asked if he got laid out there. Grillo said he was with his aunt. Howard asked if she's hot. Grillo said she's okay looking. Howard asked how old she is. Grillo said she's 28. He said his grandmother had 10 kids so they range in age.
Grillo said they went to San Jose and he was in a Jewish Deli. He said Arsenio was sitting there with a hot white babe. Grillo said he wasn't sure if he should say anything. Howard said he should have just sat and had his sandwich. Grillo said he asked Gange if he thinks he should do anything. He figured he'd just give Arsenio his ''Howard Stern For Governor'' button. Grillo said Arsenio was changing tables so he handed him the button and Arsenio says thanks and said it's pretty cool he's running for governor. He said he left the button on the table though. Grillo said he was pretty nice.
In the clip Howard was talking about this news story about Christie Brinkley who was on vacation and going Heli-skiing. Howard said he's thinking they should take her kids away from her. He said he'd never take his kids heli-skiing. Howard said he wouldn't even take them skiing. Howard said that's just not the kind of thing he'd do. Robin said it's a nice sport. Howard said they take you to remote areas that you can't get to normally. Howard said he was going to Atlantic City this weekend and he thought about flying down there in a 6 seater. He said he thought about it and too many guys have died that way so he did the drive instead. Howard said he knows they say that more people die in car accidents but give him a break.
Howard said Christie Brinkley is obviously bored. He said she took her kids out skiing and the helicopter crashed. Howard said of course it crashed. They were in the snow. Howard said he hopes this taught them a good lesson. Howard said everyone survived and they say she was a hero. Howard said she's like Super Model the super hero. Fred played the Superman theme song and Howard talked about how Christie saved this kid who was stuck in the rubble of the crash. Howard said she did that to keep him warm. Howard said he's not sure what's so heroic about that. Howard asked what's so heroic about that. Robin said it would have been if she laid on top of him. Howard said it would have been. Howard said he'd bet she didn't even break a nail during that crash.
Howard said this kid was 11 and he should have nailed her. Howard said he should have said his ears were cold and she should use her uterus like a hat.
Howard said he doesn't get this heli-skiing. He said it's just not something that makes sense. Howard said people are so bored they invent stupid things. He said this is the stupidest thing he's ever heard.
Howard said Christie thinks she's really smart now that she's being called a hero. Howard said she's really not smart. He said you'd think she would have peed in the snow ''HELP'' or something. He said she's not smart or a hero. Howard said she just laid on an 11 year old to keep him warm. Howard and the guys goofed on her about the hero thing for a couple of minutes. Howard did his female voice and pretended to be a Super Model Super Hero. Howard had her rebuilding the helicopter with her nail file and things like that. He said to call her a hero is just outrageous.
Artie And Gary Fly To Boston For Surprise Party. 04/12/07. 6:35am
Howard said Artie got to do something cool last night. He said that this guy Bob Kraft had Gary and Artie fly in for his son's surprise birthday party. They flew in on a private jet up to Boston. Artie said that the Kraft's have their own jet. He said he talked to the older son, Jonathan, and he was the one who told him about his brother's 40th birthday party. He was asked to come up, eat, have some drinks and maybe do a little stand-up. They sent the jet down to pick them up in Teterboro. They also told him he could bring anyone he wanted to so he brought a couple of his uncles.
Artie said he went up there and ended up in Bedford, Massachusetts at a small airport. They have a great jet with the New England Patriots colors on it. Artie said they have a full staff and a pilot ready to fly at any time. They live in the suburbs of Boston so they went out to this kid's house. Artie was saying that this kid is a good guy and he does good things for charities and things like that. He said that it's his life's work to help out inner-city kids.
Artie said that they had chocolate cupcakes with the Howard fist logo on them as snacks. Gary said that the stewardess asked Artie if he wanted one and even unwrapped it for him. Howard said he hates when they do that kind of thing because he doesn't want anyone touching his stuff like that. They talked about the flight attendant who Artie was kind of taken with. He said that she was very cute. He didn't get her number though.
Artie said that he and Gary got up there in this C4, 14 seat jet. He said that they asked him about money and he said he didn't feel comfortable asking for any money. He said the guy said that he was going to pay him something so Artie said he'd take whatever they gave him. He said it was very awkward but they handled things very classy.
Artie said they took off around 3:30 yesterday afternoon and they were back at about 10:15 last night. Howard figured he had to be exhausted. Gary said that he usually goes to bed at 11 anyway and he was in bed by 11:20 or so last night so it's not so bad. He stayed in the city and didn't have to drive in so it wasn't too bad.
Artie said that he'd much rather do a huge show with thousands of people instead of doing a 50 person show. He said that there's always someone in the room who is uncomfortable with his material and it's very tough to do a show like that.
Gary told Howard about how they took them up to this room at the house they were at and showed Artie Babe Ruth's will. They had it framed. They also had some Bruce Springsteen stuff that they showed off to Artie. Gary said after that they went over to Bob Kraft's house. He said that Bob brought them up to his office and took some pictures of them all in front of the Super Bowl trophies. Gary said Artie remembered the games when he saw the trophies and would tell the stories about the kind of money he lost on those games.
Artie talked about how great those games all were. Howard interrupted for a second and said that yesterday was so great because Sanjaya won and Imus was fired. He did that quickly and then Artie and Gary got back to their story. They said that they got a bunch of stuff like footballs from them while they were there. They also talked about the football stadium that the family had built. Howard wondered how they have that kind of money. Artie said that the family started some paper company, it's not the Kraft food company, it's a paper company.
Artie said that this guy paid a lot of money for the team and a lot of people thought they were nuts for paying so much. Bob said that he knew that he was going to work his ass off to make the team great so he didn't feel so bad paying what he did for the team.
Gary said that they were handed some envelopes by the father and when they opened them up, they were both blown away by the amount of money they were given. Artie said that it was very generous and he was very surprised by the whole thing. Robin asked if it was more than he would have charged. Artie said it absolutely was. He said he also got the check before he did his stand-up so there was a lot of pressure on that.
Gary said that they were brought down to the basement of this house and sat in the barber shop of the house. Gary said it was so nice it looked like a real barber shop with three chairs and everything. Artie said he pictured the guy snapping his fingers and the barber stepping out of the closet and asking him what he needed. Gary said they were in the barber shop and he had to go to the bathroom. He took the check out of his pocket in the bathroom and he thought to himself ''holy shit!'' Howard was very curious about it and asked the guys if it was over or under this number he was going to give. Gary wasn't going to do it so Artie made him an offer. He said he would write it down if Howard offered to fill him in on one of the most famous chicks he banged when he was screwing chicks after his divorce.
Howard had Gary write down a name of this woman he banged since he didn't know what to write down. Howard told Artie that he wanted him to know the name and it wasn't a fucking, it was a blow job. He said that it was one of the best blow jobs he ever got too. Gary thinks that he's going to be blown away when he reads the name. Howard told Artie that he has to rip up that name when he sees the paper. Artie said he couldn't believe that he had agreed to this.
Howard handed him the paper and Artie started to laugh and said ''that's the best!'' He said he never would have guessed that name. Howard told Artie that he had walked into a party and this chick took him right up to the bedroom. Robin said that she knew exactly who he was talking about. Artie said that the name would die with him. Howard got his piece of paper and said that it was a nice figure. He ripped up both pieces of paper after that. Howard said that they could have given him more though. The guy has a back yard the size of a football field.
Artie said that he got the best of that deal. He said he has the name of this chick and Howard just knows what he got paid. Howard was going to tell more of the story to Artie. He said that she was actually waiting for him in his hotel room that night. She managed to sneak in somehow. He said that he got a little scared but she was in his room yelling at him asking ''where the fuck have you been?'' She thought that he knew that she might be there. Howard said he did kind of know but he wasn't positive. He said he just met this chick that night and never saw her again after that. Artie said that Howard will forget what he wrote down for him in minutes while he'll remember this name forever.
Artie got back to the story about this party he and Gary went to and talked about what they did while they waited to go up and surprise this kid. He said that Mrs. Kraft was there and he felt kind of uncomfortable doing some of his act in front of her because she's into doing charity work and all of this stuff. Artie said he did one joke that even he couldn't believe he did in front of these people. He quickly told that joke to Howard and got a laugh out of him. Artie said that the money he made last night was about the amount that some people make in a year. He was very happy with the amount he got.
Gary said that the family seemed to enjoy all of the sports jokes that Artie was doing. Artie said he thinks that he killed so he was happy with the way things went for him. Gary said that they were offering them all kinds of stuff like the chance to hang out on the sidelines at games and even to go sit in the front row of a Springsteen concert if they get him up there. Gary said that was a great moment for both he and Artie.
Howard said it sounded like a great night. Gary said that Artie was trying to tip everyone last night from the driver to the pilot. Artie said that everyone was refusing to take any payment from him because the family apparently takes care of them so well. He said that they must really respect the family. He wondered how all of that happened as they were flying home. Howard said that sometimes that stuff just works out the right way. Robin wondered if Artie was going to get depressed today. He said he might just throw himself in front of a train like Chris Kanyon thought about doing.
Yet another wacky intern story. 4-12-96. Here's one more interesting story from the Stern Show intern pool. Howard asked this 21 year old intern to tell his little story that he told the other interns. He says that he, and his girlfriend of 5 years, have never been able to have sex. He says that he's 'too big' for her. Meaning his weenie is too big. He said that when they've tried to do it, she goes crying and screaming out of the room. Howard wanted Jackie to look at the guys weenie to see if it really is big. Jackie refused to do it. Howard then told Gary to do it but Gary wouldn't do it alone. He told Howard that both he and Howard should do it together so that it's not a homo thing. So they looked at it in an un-aroused state and said it was normal, bigger than Howard's, but normal. Howard's going to have both of them in on Monday to council them. Stay tuned.
in the clip Robin was reading the news and had a story about Kurt Cobain's death and how the ruled it a suicide. That led to Howard talking about how they should have left him alone if he was happy on heroin. Howard said they forced him off and that's what happened. Howard said his wife even said he was fine on the stuff. Robin said they're all second guessing themselves now.
Robin read about the promoters who are talking about suing his estate because they are out the money that they're losing on the tour they had to cancel. Robin said they say that suicide isn't covered in their insurance. Howard said he agrees with the concert promoters. Howard said they should stuff the guy and send him out on tour anyway. Howard said that's what he told them to do with Kinison when he died. Howard said they could have given him a remote controlled arm to play the guitar with.
Howard said he says stuff Kurt Cobain and let him honor his commitments. Robin said he's being cremated. Howard said he has to stop that from happening. He told someone to get him the phone number so he can call and stop the cremation. Robin said they think there has been a copycat suicide. Howard said they should prop him up now for rehearsal. He said there's still action left in that body.
Robin read about the copycat suicide. She said this guy was despondent over Kurt's suicide. Robin had some audio of an official talking about the guy who shot himself with a shotgun. Robin said they say there were some other factors as well as the Cobain thing.
Robin read about the suicide hotline that has had a lot more calls since Kurt died. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about the people who are calling in and saying they are friends of Kurt's.
Robin went through some other news like Ella Fitzgerald losing both of her legs below the knee. Fred played Jackie laughing clips while she went through that story. Howard asked if they bury your leg after something like that. Robin said they don't bury it. She said it goes to a lab or something. Howard said he figures they bury it in your grave or something. Robin read that someone spoke to someone else and now it's in the paper even though they were trying to keep it a secret.
Howard said when Gilbert Gottfried's appendix burst he didn't want to be in the paper. He said Gilbert never showed up in the paper so he called people to get the story out there. Billy West did his impression of her singing and Howard said he never got that scat singing. Billy kept doing the impression and Howard got in on it talking about how she breaks that glass with her voice.
Midget Human Calculator Calls In. 04/12/10. 6:50am
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone. He heard that he called Gary the other day really pissed. He said it was a couple of weeks old but he played the clip. In the clip Eric was going off on Gary for not booking him on the show. He was saying that Gary had a new relative at the zoo where a new lemur was born. He called Gary an ''ape faced mother fucker'' and hung up.
Howard asked Gary why he hadn't booked Eric on the show. Gary didn't know anything about it. Howard said there were no plans to book him. Gary said they did mention that it might be fun to have him in to play Win Sal's Money but that was it. Gary said that they have to fly Eric in if they do book him on the show.
Howard said hi to Eric and asked what was going on with him calling Gary names. Eric said other people call him names. Robin and Howard pointed out that Eric doesn't like being called Midget. Eric said that's true.
Gary said Eric hates being asked multiplication questions and that's anther reason he's mad at him. Howard asked Eric what 9x9 was. Eric said he didn't want to go through it again. They figured he had a calculator there so they asked him some more. He wasn't able to come up with what 9x6 was. Eric said he didn't want to be doing math this morning.
Howard and Robin asked what 9x5 was. Eric eventually came up with some answers but his math was a bit flawed. He got one wrong and Howard said that's the old Eric he knows and loves.
Sal came in and told the guys that Eric is doing a thing on SFN where he goes on as a mult (another name) and posts positive stuff about himself. Eric said that he's not the one doing that stuff. He said they can check and it's not his IP that's doing that stuff. Eric said he hasn't posted shit on there since he was caught posting under Romeo Blues.
Sal said that he would kick Eric's ass in a trivia game. Howard asked him what 9x9 was. Sal knew the right answer immediately. Howard said he probably would beat Eric.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted today. Eric asked what hulk Hogan's show was going to be about tonight. He's thinking of calling in. Howard said that Hulk is doing a show on Howard 101 tonight at 7. Hulk will be telling them something they didn't know because he's doing ''Hulk Hogan Uncensored.'' Eric said that Bubba's Twitter account blocked him from viewing them for some reason. Howard said he'll have to take that up with Bubba.
Howard said that Eric can tune in and talk to Hulk tonight. Then he told him they will only take calls from people who know their 9 times tables. Sal asked what 9x4 is. Eric didn't have an answer right away. Howard asked what 9x1 was. Eric told him to stop cutting him off. Eric said that 9x5 was 35 so 9 less would be 34. Howard laughed and Sal told him he needs a wheelchair for his brain.
Eric knew that 9x1 was 9. Sal told Howard to fly him in. Howard said they'll have to do his 1 times tables. Howard asked Eric what 9x4 was again. Eric said it was 34. Howard said he just wanted to make sure. Sal asked Eric what 9x7 was. Howard told him to give up.
Howard told Eric he was off by 2 with 9x4. He said the answer was 36. Eric said he was thinking wrong. Sal told him he was an idiot. Robin said he can't subtract either so that's a problem. Howard told him he's going to be screwed. Sal asked Eric what 100-18 was. Eric said it was 82. Sal said he thinks that's right.
Eric said that he would beat Sal at anything about history. They asked him who the presidents were during the Civil War. Eric didn't know. Fred threw in some clips of Cartman from South Park laughing when Eric would forget an answer.
Howard said he would like to get Eric down there for the game but they'll have to see. Eric said that he wants to check out some other stuff in New York when he's there. He said that he'd like to see ''Hair'' with Diana DeGarmo in it. Howard said he knows that in the original play they got naked. He wondered if Diana gets naked. Eric wasn't sure. Howard said that Eric would probably cum in his pants if she did.
Fred played some of the Dave Lampert clips during that discussion. Howard told Sal he has to make some calls with that guy Dave's voice. Sal said they did cut it up but they don't have any yes or no's in it so it's tough.
Sal said he thinks that Eric should have to ride the Sybian as a punishment if he loses the game. He said he'd have to have Dave hugging him like he did with Raven. Eric said that would never happen.
Howard told Eric that some day they'll get him in there. Gary told Howard that Diana DeGarmo does get naked in ''Hair'' as well as Ace Young from American Idol. Howard asked if they have a picture of Ace Young getting naked. Gary said there were no pictures.
Howard said he would like to see Diana getting naked too. He told Eric he might get excited when he sees Ace Young. Eric said that won't happen. Sal was saying that she must be a great singer if she's getting naked in a play.
Howard asked why he was doing a show with Sal. Sal said goodbye after that. Howard let Eric go too. Howard said that was a nice check in with Eric. He said he had to take a break after that. They have some stuff to get to today. They have Donald Trump calling in. Robin said she's hooked on Celebrity Apprentice. She said she saw Sharon Osbourne and Cyndi Lauper and she got hooked.
Howard said he's into this Celebrity Sober House. He said there was a lot of fighting going on and they have to run subtitles for Dennis Rodman because you can't understand anything he's saying. He went to break after that.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:40am.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 10:15am.