|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Mariann From Brooklyn Comes In. 3/21/01. 6:20am
This woman Mariann who has called in many times in the past to sing her infamous song ''All I Need'' dropped in this morning. Howard was told that she wasn't as bad looking as he'd expect after hearing her awful singing voice. She came in and sang her song live for Howard. It was ear piercing. Mariann told Howard that she's a full time mother with a 17 year old and an 8 year old. She said she's been married twice. She said she was able to get two men with her face but Howard didn't think it was that bad. She thinks that her nose is bigger than her ears. Howard didn't seem to think it was that bad.
Mariann thinks that she should replace Jackie. That won't happen but at least she tried. She told Howard that her voice might be a mess because she had her tonsils and adenoids taken out at the age of 5. Her mother remembered her singing very well before that.
Howard took some phone calls and a couple of people goofed on her which upset one woman who had a similar accent.
Mariann said that she really wanted to meet ''Al Pacino's Baby'' (Craig Gass) but he wasn't in this morning. She said she loves him. Then she wanted to meet Stuttering John because without him putting her through on the phone, she wouldn't be there. John came in and let her kiss his ass for a minute. Howard let Mariann sit in the studio for a few minutes while he did some other stuff.
Howard had a bunch of time killing tapes to play. He replayed the tape of an intern going out to interview drunken St. Patrick's Day Parade goers that he played on Monday.
Howard quickly got sidetracked and told a story about going to some parties last week with his daughter and her friends. He went with Judith Regan who published his first two books. There was supposed to be some big Hollywood script writer by the name of Richard LaGravenese there. Howard said he saw Lance from 'N Sync but he didn't know who he was at the time. He just knew that he looked like someone he knew. He said there were a lot of famous people at this party which turned out to be a party for the HBO show ''Sex and the City''. He went last year too but this time a bunch of people from the show wouldn't talk to him. Sarah Jessica Parker wouldn't look at him and she never came over to him. Howard said he had a good time even though some people didn't come over. He met a lot of other celebrities and their agents. Howard was talking about seeing magician David Blaine there and how he was with a different chick than he was when he was on the show. Then Mariann interrupted and told Howard that he's very handsome sitting in the studio. Howard then let Mariann talk about him for a couple of minutes.
Howard got back to his story again and said that David Blaine told him he was really freaked out by Hank the Dwarf the day Howard sent him over to give him the finger. Blaine told him that he was really messed up after sealing himself in the ice block for a couple of days. Howard doesn't buy it. Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that people have told him that Blaine is really messed up after that ice block thing.
Howard said he checked out the web site where Chaunce does his internet radio show. He was looking for some interview where Leila Arcieri told him about a date with Howard. Howard said she was over at his apartment to watch an episode of ''Son of the Beach'' one time but it wasn't a date. She told Chaunce about his apartment and what went on there and it pissed Howard off. He said ''what a bitch!'' and that he's never talking to her again. He was really upset after hearing that she said that he has rules in his apartment about stuff. He said he's going to have to talk to her about this.
Mark Harris On The Phone From Germany. 9/5/97. 9:15am
After hearing about the possibility of Mark Harris getting married to another man Howard had to talk to him. Gary got him on the phone and Howard asked him about it. Mark says that he is with a 23 year old violinist by the name of Davide. They're not planning on getting married but they are enjoying each others company. The two of them get together and perform some bizarre song together in clubs. Howard said that he wanted to hear them together so within 30 seconds Mark was singing and Davide was playing his violin. Howard goofed on them as they played but told Mark is was wonderful. Howard also spoke to Davide about the situation. Davide met Mark at a club he was playing violin at. Mark was depressed and Davide noticed him. He went over to meet him and the rest is history. Mark and Davide will be coming to the States in October so they'll be stopping in to visit Howard.
David Letterman Calls In. 12/8/99. 8:15am
In a very rare moment David Letterman called in and bad mouthed his late night competition, Jay Leno! Dave has only been on Howard's show a couple of times in the past and he's usually in a rush to get off the phone but this morning he stuck in there while Howard played some of Leno's monolog. It almost seemed like it wasn't actually David Letterman but an impersonator.. He joked about how ''lame'' Jay's jokes are. He joked that Helen Kushnick was lucky to have died before seeing all of the lame stuff Jay's doing. Dave joked about Jay's weight saying that he ate all of the food in his green room when he used to appear on his show. It was a very different David Letterman. Howard said that since Dave is getting beat in the ratings by Jay, he's got to personally meet with advertisers. Dave said that he's got a clause in his contract that says if he drops below a certain rating share he has to sell advertising himself. He said he doesn't hate Jay, he's just making a living. Then he'd say that Jay looks like Dudley Dooright and that's what you look like after years of eating Pop Tarts. Eventually Dave had to run so he got off the phone. It turned out that it really wasn't David Letterman, it was just someone who did an amazing impression of him. It was kind of obvious because when Dave has called in he doesn't put up with Howard for more than 10 seconds.
Jen And Courtney Play The Wheel Of Farts. 10/06/06. 8:10am
Howard told the girls that if they wanted to get their plugs, they would have to spin the Wheel of Farts. He showed them the wheel and offered Jen the first set of big plugs. They had Will the Farter there and he can fart at will. He came in and had the ass cut out of his pants. He sat down and demonstrated his farting abilities for the girls. They seemed to be a little shocked when they saw how easily he farted.
Howard had Jen go over to the wheel to spin it. She spun it and got something that said she had to take a fart 12 inches from Will the Farter's ass. She lucked out because it could have been right in her face or just a couple of inches away.
Jen took Will's farts in her face and it was a pretty easy way to get her plugs. Howard said that Jen Houston has a calendar that can be purchased through Tempe12.com. Howard said that she could get more plugs if she spun the wheel again. He told her that if she spun it topless, she could get 2 plugs. She whipped off her shirt a short time later. Courtney said that if she had a cock she would stick it right between them.
Jen spun the wheel again and got 6 inches for this fart. Howard told her that if she took her pants off and showed them her thong, they'd give her 3 plugs. Gary said if she did that he'd have her come on the Wrap Up Show and get in more plugs. She took her pants off and the guys were blown away by her body. Gary told her that if she got naked they'd give her a whole channel to plug on.
Jen took her 6 inch-from-the-face fart and earned her 3 plugs. Howard figured that she must get hit on constantly. She said she does. Artie asked her what would have to come out of her mouth for her to look at him for more than 5 seconds. He figured that he'd need a private jet with someone else on it. Howard gave Jen another plug for her calendar and DVD plus the Tempe12.com web site.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that maybe they could get her another plug if she let Artie eat his French toast off her belly. Artie said it was already gone so they asked her if she would ride the Sybian for another plug. She said she would do it if she could put her skirt back on. Howard immediately told her to put it back on and had her ride it. Artie said that girls like this make him depressed and he wanted to go get a drink.
Howard asked Jen what the wildest sexual experience was that she's had. She said she had sex in a bathroom in an Arizona State University building. She said the guy threw her up on the sink in the bathroom and it was pretty wild. Howard had her get on the Sybian a short time later. Gary started out with the power kind of low and slowly ramped it up little by little.
Jen wasn't sure if she could perform under pressure though. Gary told her that she had to move around and find the sweet spot. She said that wasn't a problem, it felt good. Howard had Gary ramp it up to more power. Jen said it felt good but she wasn't moaning or anything. She said it wasn't going to fully happen so Gary was running the power up and down. She was just hanging out and talking to the guys instead of concentrating on getting off. Howard said that she's like ice.
Gary said that Courtney was touching herself while watching Jen on the Sybian. Courtney said that she has a piercing and she was just messing with that. Doug Goodstein came back in and asked to put cooking oil on Jen. He had Courtney do that to her. Courtney went over and sprayed her chest down and then rubbed it in. Jen said she's never had a woman touch her breasts before. Howard had the two of them kissing again after that.
Howard got back to Courtney Cummz and told her what she would have to do with the Wheel of Farts. She spun the wheel and it ended up on 'Ass Directly on Face' so she had to get right down to Will the Farter's ass. Courtney said that she shits on guys for movies so that kind of stuff doesn't seem so bad. Will Murray came in and said that Courtney did an 18 guy Bukkake movie as well. Howard spent a minute talking to her about that and then had her go over to Will the Farter so she could get farted on.
Courtney was so close that her nose was touching the hair on his balls. She said that his balls smelled bad too. He started farting and ripped some juicy ones. Courtney said that her hair felt kind of wet after that. She stuck through it and Gary told her she may have had a little something on her head.
Howard gave Courtney a plug for her stuff and said you can check that out at ZTVVideo.com. Gary asked if she wanted to double the plugs by riding the Sybian. She was willing to do it but they had to keep the power low because she does have a piercing that makes her more sensitive. Will Murray suggested that they put both Jen and Courtney on at the same time. They both got on it and took the Sybian for ride. Gary was jacking up the power even though Courtney said she wasn't going to be able to handle it. Courtney sounded like she was enjoying it but Jen wasn't really into it like she was. Courtney said it was great and she was going to cum. She did a short time later and the guys sounded a little shocked by what happened. She popped up off the machine. She said her piercing makes it about 100 times more sensitive.
Howard gave both of the girls some more plugs after the Sybian ride. Will the Farter also got in another plug and said he sells his used boxers and there's some guy who buys his used boxers. Gary said he left out part of the story because the guy buys then and then puts them in his mouth. Howard had Will give them one last blast after that. He said he's very impressive. He gave him another plug and took a phone call from a guy who said that the show is great today. He said it's crazy radio today.
Artie was asking Jen about the guys she's slept with and found out that she dated another football player. She said that she's only slept with 3 guys in her whole life though. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Midget Angry Actor Press Conference. 02/27/08. 6:35am
Howard went to the phones again and took a call from a guy who said he's intrigued with Eric the Midget but now he's infuriated with him. He said that they're all aware of the JFSC thing and KendrasSecret.com thing. He said that they have to stop taking calls from Eric. He never gets to the point when he calls in and he has to stop taking those calls. Howard said that Eric called in yesterday and said he's not going to call in anymore.
The caller said that Eric is really negative when he calls in but Howard told him that Eric takes his lumps too. He let him go and said that Eric was doing this press conference yesterday where he was kicking people out of his chat and muttering about stuff.
Howard said that he had the audio from this press conference so he went right into it. Eric started off asking if the room could hear him. There was some silence and then he said that in the past he's said he was done with the show. He said that he's not going to return this time even though he's done that in the past. Eric said that he's been a punching bag lately and he doesn't want that. He also doesn't want his girlfriend to be used as a punching bag.
Eric said that none of this relationship was fake, it was just the break up that was faked on the air. Eric then told some people to get out of the chat he was in.
Howard said it sounds like there's a vacuum cleaner on behind Eric with the bad audio quality. He played more of the clip where Eric was talking about not being a part of ''that show'' anymore. He also says that Johnny (Fratto) is done with the show as well. He said that neither of them want anything to do with the show. One of the guys in Eric's chat told him that Johnny was sound asleep as he was talking about this stuff so he hadn't commented on it.
Howard said that it sounded like someone was wrestling with his equipment. He said that it just goes on and on and on. He played a little more of it where Eric went off on Howard a little more and then told some more people to get the fuck out of the chat room.
Howard said that was just a little piece of that press conference. He said that there was more from him where he says he stopped doing the show because he wasn't able to get in some plugs and stuff. Eric thinks that he can stay off the show now because he has some support from some people who he didn't have support from before. Eric was correcting people on the spelling of Fratto in the chat and then there was some buzzing noise from the other people in the chat.
Howard said that some people complained during the press conference about Eric's cursing. He played that clip where Eric was asking people if they listen to ''that show'' because they have cursing on it all the time. Howard said it sounds like Eric is doing his show from inside a blender.
Howard played another clip where Eric was kicking people out of his chat. He was telling people to go away after they asked him to pick his nose on camera and things like that. Howard said he has like 4 people on that chat and he's kicking them all out.
JD came in and said that there's one clip where Eric is talking about cursing on the show and he gets drowned out by something. Howard played through it and Eric talks about the cursing on Howard's show and told the people in the room to stop getting on his case about cursing. Then there's a loud noise that comes over him and drowns him out. Howard said someone suggested that it might be Eric's power chair making all of the noise.
Fred played a sound of an airplane and had Howard and Robin trying to talk over that so their show sounded like Eric's show. Robin thought it sounded like some kind of science fiction background music behind Eric.
Howard said that Crazy Alice is upset with Eric so he got her on the phone. Alice said that she's angry with him because he keeps saying he's not going to call the show. She said that Howard made this guy's life so fucking good but he doesn't see that. Howard said that she's right. He got her all of this action with Johnny Fratto, the JFSC, Kendra and more but he doesn't show any appreciation for it.
Alice said that she doesn't appreciate anyone slapping Howard in the face like that. She went off on Riley Martin as well. She said that Howard is a good person and he's like a saint to her. She said that he gave her some great stuff last year and he really appreciates him and loves him. Howard said he loves her too. Alice told Eric to rot in hell.
Alice said she had to get back to bed and thanked him for letting her speak her mind. Howard let her go and said that they had an angry voice mail from Alice. He played that one where she goes off about Black History month. She was yelling about OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson and other guys. She yelled about OJ Simpson and said that he may have gotten away with those murders for now but he didn't get away from God. She screamed out the N-word and said she hates some of those people. Then the voice mail cut her off.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using some Crazy Alice audio clips. They called a guy who stayed on the line with her and tried to sweet talk her even though she was yelling at him. Howard said that's one of his favorites.
Howard said that Eric the Midget appears to be done with the show now. He had a prank call they made to Eric one time where they told him they had Carrie Underwood on the phone for him. They set him up and let Eric talk to her until she asked him if he likes dancing and if he was small in the pants. She also asked him if he had ever been stepped on in a large crowd or if he'd ever been mistaken for a leprechaun. She asked him to start rubbing himself for her and then called him a little troll. Eric stuck with the call and kept asking her questions. She asked him to say ''Da plane, da plane!'' and he did it. She asked him to rub his Smurf cock on the phone and he did that as well. She asked him about his underroo underwear. The woman told Eric to say he wanted to fuck her and he did that too.
Robin wondered why they hadn't played that call in a long time. Howard said that was from back at the K-Rock days and they had to bleep that call quite a bit. He said he had to resurrect it since they hadn't played it in a long time.
Howard said they have an Elephant Boy call that they used to have to bleep over at K-Rock. He had that one uncensored too. He played that one next. It was one where Elephant Boy called some black people and told him he was going to open a Korean deli in their neighborhood and wanted to get their opinion. The woman he spoke to said she didn't understand a word he was saying. She kept hanging up on him.
Howard said that they have Beetlejuice stopping in today. They also have Robert Schimmel coming in to promote his new book. He had to go to break after that.
In this clip we heard Robin reading some news while Steve Rossi sat in during the news. Gina Girl was there so Howard had her come in while Steve was sitting in. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Gina Girl about various things and she wasn't making much sense. Howard told Steve not to laugh at her because he doesn't make much more sense than she does. Howard told her that she should do her smegma dance for Steve later on. She said she could do that.
Robin read some more news and Howard would throw in a question for Gina Girl here and there. Howard joked with Steve about how Gina Girl was going to replace him.
Howard said he doesn't think Crazy Jerry treats her very well. Gina Girl said he does. She told Howard that she got thrown out of her home and Jerry took her in. He lived next door to her. She said that Jerry gave her a bath.
Robin read some more news and read about a janitor who had Legionnaire's disease. They spent a few minutes talking about how it can be passed from person to person. Howard heard that and jokingly asked Gina Girl to leave the room. Howard said they have some nasty stuff there in the bathrooms at K-Rock.
Howard asked Gina Girl what she does for a living. She said she collects Social Security now. She said that she gets some money from Crazy Jerry too. It's only 10-20 bucks a week though. Howard said Jerry sounds like a wonderful guy. Gina Girl said he's the best.
Robin read about how they're talking about colorizing ''Citizen Cane.'' Howard said he loves that Spielberg has no shame. Howard said he'd love if they colorized The Munsters and The Addams Family. Gina Girl said she's all for it too. She said she likes All in the Family the best.
Howard wrapped up with Steve and Gina Girl a short time later. Howard found out that Gina Girl is single even though she lives with Crazy Jerry. Howard said she reminds him of Mae West a little bit. Howard said if she could only take her teeth out she'd look just like her.
Howard said Gina Girl is going to be in their movie ''China Girl'' which is kind of like Rain Man. Howard described what it was about and how they were going to give her a very special ability. He said he won't tell what that ability is though. He's going to wait until they finish the bit. Gina Girl said the special ability is that she takes her clothes off.
In this segment they had Art Fleming, the original host of Jeopardy, sitting in to play the Wack Pack Jeopardy game. Howard had Fred the Elephant Boy, Quentin the Stutterer and Stuttering John come in to play.
Howard spent a minute talking to Fred the Elephant Boy about his new girlfriend. Fred said he met her at work. He said she's a fan of Howard's show and she knew him from the show. Howard said Fred owes him now. Fred said they're just good friends. He said they aren't lovers yet.
Howard spoke to Quentin the Stutterer and found out he's married. Quentin said he's been married 7 years. Howard said John is also a stutterer. He spent about 5 seconds talking to him.
Howard said Art has the answers for the game. Art and Howard spent a minute talking about how the Jeopardy game was originally created by Merv Griffin and his wife.
Howard started the game and had all of the guys play the sound effects for their buzzers. They started the game a short time later. They played a couple of questions and took a break.
After the edited out break Howard came back and played some more questions with the Wack Pack. Art was reading the answers and the Wack Packers had to give the correct question. Fred and Quentin were doing really well and John was kind of lagging behind. John said he sucks at Jeopardy. Howard said he thought he said he could beat them. John said he never said that.
Howard had Art do his thing with the guys. Quentin was having a hard time with some of the words. He was stuttering and Howard was laughing. Howard said he couldn't help it. Howard was reading the answers for the guys. Fred and Quentin were taking turns getting correct answers. John wasn't even in the game at that point.
Fred and Quentin were tied at one point toward the end of the game. John didn't have many points at all so he was out of it. Howard went to the final Jeopardy question so they could figure out a winner. Howard gave the guys the answer and Fred and Quentin had to write down their answers. Howard said he wanted to bad mouth Alex Trebek while they waited. Art didn't want to do that but they did talk about some of the rude things the guy does as a host. Quentin and Fred gave their questions and Quentin ended up winning.
Howard thanked Art for coming in and said he wanted Fred and Quentin to stick around. Howard said his goodbyes to Art and said he's a good dude.
Howard asked Fred about his new girlfriend and Fred said that they just like to hang out together. He said they're not really boyfriend and girlfriend. He said they like to go out to eat and go to movies and things like that. Howard wondered how many people were out there trying to tune in their radios while Fred was speaking. Howard said he can hear people smacking their radio.
Howard had Gary bring in Fred's so called girlfriend. Gary brought her in and Howard said hello to her. Howard said she was cute. He was calling her Mrs. Elephant. Howard said that it looks like she's kind of uptight. Howard said Fred came in second in that game so he's smarter than Stuttering John. He said it appears everyone is smarter than John though.
Howard asked Mrs. Elephant about how she met Fred. She said she met him where he works. She was doing maintenance there. She told Howard that it impressed her when she found out he was on Howard's show. Howard asked if Fred pays for dinner when they go out. She said she used to pay but she stopped that. She said that Fred is too old for her. He was 31 and she's 21. Howard said that's not too old. Howard said that Fred is a good guy and he treats her right. He said Fred can get laid. Howard said he has gotten laid before. Mrs. Elephant said Fred told her about that.
Howard asked Fred if he ever thinks about her when he's doing his thing at night. Fred said he doesn't. He said that she's like his best friend. Howard said he's such a liar. He said he thinks he does think about her when he's doing that. Fred said they're really just best friends. Mrs. Elephant said that she's got a friend that's a girl that's one of her best friends.
Quentin and Fred ended up getting into a little battle. They were calling each other names and Quentin was stuttering up a storm coming back at Fred.
Howard asked Mrs. Elephant if she understands Fred. She didn't seem to have a problem understanding him. Howard asked Quentin about his stuttering. Howard said he thinks these guys are great. He said Fred seems like a great guy too. Howard said he hopes that Mrs. Elephant treats Fred the right way. Howard said he will do everything he can to make Fred famous so he can turn around and tell her that she should have listened to him. He said that everyone will start imitating his speech and they'll love the guy. He said that would be just to teach her a lesson. Howard said he thinks that a woman like her could do well by Fred.
Gary came in and said that Becky the Mental Patient showed up. Howard said she's Becky the Retard. Howard said he can only take her for so long. Howard asked Fred if he can score with her. Fred said he doesn't want to.
Becky came in so Howard asked her what was going on. He called her a retard and she wondered if he was going to call her a mongoloid next. Howard told her not to come near him. He told her to stay far away. Becky said she wanted to give him a kiss. Howard said he didn't want one. He said he thought she was in the hospital. Becky said she was. She collects her hospital bracelets.
Howard asked Becky about being on the Joan Rivers show the other day. Becky said she wanted to get her boobs done. Howard asked about her face. Howard asked if it she was in the Most Lipstick on the Teeth contest. Howard asked to see her breasts.
Howard told Becky she has the body of a dancer and then said it looks like someone danced on her face. He told her to come over to him. He felt her butt and said it felt like she wasn't wearing any underpants. Robin said she looks like Angelica Houston. Howard said she smells like cat urine. He said she does look good in that dress though. Robin said she has always had a nice body.
Robin said they need to show off their radio freaks on a TV show. Howard said he wouldn't call them all freaks. Fred and Quentin weren't freaks but he did think Becky was.
Becky asked to do her Cher impression. She started to sing and it sounded nothing like Cher. She sang a parody of ''I Got You Babe.'' Howard and Robin laughed. Fred played some dog growling and vomiting sound effects while she sang.
Howard asked Becky about her shock treatments and she told Howard that she had multiple personalities. She said that when they shock her they all kind of snap together. Becky said Jackie was looking at her like she was crazy talking about this. Robin said Jackie was thinking about inviting her to his 4th of July party.
Becky told Howard about how the shock treatments work but she really didn't know so they figured she never did have them. She admitted she made that up.
Howard said the room smells like a retarded cod fish today. He said that Becky had all kinds of smells coming off of her. Howard said she's really a mess. He told her to pull up her dress. Becky refused. Howard said it wasn't up far enough. They wrapped up a short time later.
Kielbasa Queen Shows Off Her Breast Implants. 4/17/98. 7:30am
The Kielbasa Queen, who has been on Howard's show for years and appeared in Private Parts, came in today to show off her new DD-cup breasts today. She used to have little A-cup breasts but she just recently went to a huge DD-cup. She brought a couple of friends with her too. Her pal Dallas Deep Throat and porno actress Lisa Lips were in the studio. Lisa Lips has a 112 LLL-cup breast size. Howard was amazed by the size of them. She even let him feel them. Dallas Deep Throat swallows up to two feet of one of those long thin balloons they make balloon animals out of. She demonstrated it for Howard once again this morning. Kielbasa Queen demonstrated her swallowing also. K-Queen and Dallas were plugging their web site www.kqueen.com. They said that they have pictures of K-Queen's new breasts on the site so you might want to check it out.
In this clip Howard spent a few minutes talking to Uzo about her life and how she was going to be showing up at a bunch of his book signings. Uzo calls Howard her ''god'' and she wanted to see him signing at his Philly signing so she was in town for that.
Howard asked Uzo about how much time she spends worshiping him. She said she bought a new laptop so she can keep up. Howard said he has a 13 inch screen on his IBM Thinkpad. Uzo sounded like she was impressed. Howard said he got a copy of the unedited version of his Tonight Show lesbian kiss segment. He had that on his computer so he showed it to her.
Howard asked if she can play video as clear as he can. Uzo said her computer was a Toshiba and she might have to get rid of that to get this one. Howard showed her the lesbian kiss clip and Uzo said she's going to dump her computer.
Howard and Uzo spent a little time talking about the computer thing. Uzo told Howard a story about a computer guy she wanted to meet out in California but he didn't want to meet her. Howard said she's looking great. He said she looks thinner than ever. Uzo said she had some peanuts but Howard thought she said ''pee-nus.''
Howard had Uzo come over to him to bow to him and worship him. She went over and kissed his feet. She said she loves him and she'll see him in Philly. Howard said she's got a great ass. Howard said he has to get on line with her and make out with her. He said he might have to put a costume on to do that.
In this clip Howard took a call from Doug Bady and asked him if he can walk. Doug was a little person who had muscular dystrophy. Howard said he has little legs and he wasn't sure if they worked. Doug said they're good for putting pants on and that's about it. Howard said they have the New Year's Eve tape out now and Doug is the star of that. Howard said Doug has weak arms and legs and he was hauling the bottle of champagne up like a champion.
Howard had Billy West doing his Doug Bady impression. He had the two of them talking to each other for a short time.
Doug thanked Howard for having him at the pageant on New Year's Eve. Howard said he loves Doug. He said he's always funny and he always has funny stuff to say about Jerry Lewis. Howard said Jerry got upset with Doug and picked him up out of his wheelchair and shook him. That's according to Doug. Doug said that's what happened. He said he's not happy with what Jerry has done with the telethon. He doesn't share the money with the people who suffer from MD. Howard asked if he's ever met anyone else with MD. Doug said he's met like one or two. Howard figures there are about 9 in the whole world. Doug said he doesn't think there are that many who have it. He said he thinks it's all just good marketing.
Howard said it's funny to watch Doug trolling around for women on this back stage tape. He said the guy has a good rap. Robin asked if he's had a girlfriend. Doug said he did years ago but not recently. Doug said it's not easy.
Doug said his friend Dave got picked up by federal authorities when they landed in New York. He said he was drinking before they left the house. He said he was really drunk on the plane. Doug said he set it up so he can pee into an airline sickness bag instead of going to the bathroom. He said it's really hard for him to get up and move. Howard said he didn't think those bags would hold that much. Doug said the bags are actually pretty big. Doug said he hands the bag to a stewardess. Howard laughed. He had no idea people did that. Howard said they freak out when he brings his own food on board. He said he can't imagine what they do when you hand them a bag of urine. Doug said that they're plastic coated so they don't leak. Howard asked what he does if he has to make a number 2. Doug said you're screwed. He said that's never happened to him.
Howard and Billy spent some time talking about the peeing in the bag thing. Howard did an impression of an airline pilot speaking to the passengers about the peeing thing.
Howard and Billy were doing impressions of comedians doing airline jokes. They worked in the peeing in a vomit bag thing while they were doing that.
Doug told Howard about how Dave stumbled and dropped a bag full of urine on two stewardesses. That's what got him picked up by Federal authorities. Howard said everyone should do something into a bag like that. Howard said he had no idea people were doing that. Howard was cracking up wondering if it all fits into one bag. Doug said it usually does. Howard said ''good for you...'' and cracked himself and Jackie up. Howard was laughing the whole time Doug was telling the story.
Howard asked if the stewardesses were pissed. Doug said they downplayed it but then they landed an hour later and they get off and 6 Port Authority police got on board and arrested Dave. Howard said if he had dropped the urine on anyone else they probably wouldn't have done that. It was probably because the urine ended up on the stewardesses.
Howard said the stewardesses hate their jobs to begin with. When something like this happens they must flip out.
Howard asked Doug what he does when Dave gets arrested. Doug said he had to go with him. Doug said they just detained him for the FBI so he wasn't arrested. Anything that happens on a flight is under federal authority. Howard said they must have been really angry. Doug said they were pissed... literally.
Howard said Doug came to the New Years Eve show after all of that. He said they got interviewed and they threatened to take Dave to jail. He said they threatened him saying that he would be sodomized if he ended up there.
Gary said he heard that they were going to show their pictures around the bars in the area to make sure he didn't do this again. Howard said if he was Doug he would have started having convulsions. Doug said he was having a good time with it. He said the police figured out who he was and they were taking pictures with him. He said Dave was sitting in a cell naked and the cops were buying him food and taking pictures.
Howard said he hates using the bathrooms on planes. He said he'd prefer the vomit bag. Howard asked if he can wipe himself. Doug said he can. Howard asked what Dave does. Doug said he helps him get in the shower and stuff.
Howard said he wants to push Doug around for a day like Dave does. Doug sounded like he was up for that. Howard said he wants to tend to his bag of urine too. He said he wants to be Dave for a day. Howard said he can't believe that he hands the bag to a stewardess. He said Dave must not have wanted to do that on that particular flight. Howard asked if he tells them what he did in the bag. Doug said of course he does. Doug said they're usually very understanding when you tell them what you did. Howard said he would never hand it to the stewardess. He said he'd tell Dave to get rid of it every time. Doug said he doesn't take a dump so it's not that bad.
Howard and the guys were talking about the vomit bags and how big they are. Howard said he thinks he could fill two of them. Gary said they're not that small. Howard said he thinks they are. Robin said Doug may not drink on the plane beaus he knows he has to go in a bag. They wrapped up after that.
Stern Show In Las Vegas Day 1. 2/6/02. 6-7am
Howard and the crew were broadcasting from the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. They taped the show yesterday and played it this morning. Howard described the scene at the casino and said there was a big crowd there. Joe Rogan from ''Fear Factor'' was the first guest of the morning. Howard spent a couple minutes talking to him. Howard also took a couple of phone calls from Las Vegas listeners who got to hear the show live last night.
Howard ordered up some drinks first thing too. He and the guys sounded ready to get wasted.
After taking a break Howard came back and talked to some guests. Yucko the Clown (YuckoTheClown.com) was there as well as Yaqi the tickler. Howard spoke to both of them quickly but people in the audience were screaming at him to shut up. Howard said they're going to have Yaqi tickle Gary the Retard later in the show.
Also at the casino were Melrose Larry Green and Fred the Elephant Boy. Howard quickly spoke to them and moved on to more serious stuff. Joe Cancer is dying according to Howard and he's been given about a month to live. Joe Cancer told Howard his cancer has come back but he plans on beating it a second time. He was harder to understand than ever. Gary said he could hear the difference in his voice. Howard wanted to say goodbye to him even though Joe doesn't think he's going to die. Howard was also ready to place a bet for Joe to win $2500. He had that money courtesy of Risque Video and was ready to put it down on a hand of Black Jack. Howard introduced their dealer Erin and then placed the bet. Joe ended up with a 5, an ace and a 4 so he had 20. The dealer had a queen and a Jack so it was a push. Joe won on the second hand when he got a 10 and a King. The dealer busted with a 5, a 10 and a 9. Howard suggested that Joe spend the money on whores and booze. Howard wanted him to say goodbye to everyone but Joe said he's going to beat the cancer.
Howard talked about their trip out to Vegas on Monday afternoon. Everything went pretty good until Howard farted on the small private plane they took. Howard said he blamed KC for the fart. Howard said when he got to the hotel he ended up clogging the toilet in his room. He didn't have a plunger so he was poking at it with some folded up cardboard. It eventually went down on its own.
Howard spent some time talking about Gary the Retard and how women were running away from him at the pool. Gary was there screaming at the top of his lungs while Howard talked about him. Howard told him they were going to have Yaqi tickle him but Gary said he wants a woman to do that, not Yaqi.
Stern Show In Las Vegas Day 1. 2/6/02. 7-8am
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Artie and how he got really wasted on Monday night. He drank a ton of Jack Daniels and ate an odd selection of food that night.
Howard moved on to introduce porn star Jenna Jameson who was going to give a lucky fan a nude massage. Howard had three people who wanted the massage. One of them was a woman so Howard and the guys decided to just give her the chance to win. Howard played another hand of Black Jack with Lisa who was playing for the massage. Once again they won the hand and the woman won the chance. Howard said they had to send her off to a private room to do the massage but Joe Rogan was going to give the play by play from the room.
Gary the Retard begged to have Jenna tickle him so Howard eventually gave in. Jenna agreed to do it so they shackled Gary up to a bed and a little while later Howard had her tickle him. Howard spent a few minutes talking about some other things that went on out there before getting to Gary again. Jenna finally got to it and tickled Gary. At one point she said Gary wet himself but he denied that. Yaqi the tickler wanted to get in on the fun so he started to tickle Jenna. Howard got her in the bed eventually and Yaqi tickled her for a few seconds. Howard gave her a couple of plugs as she was going off to do the nude massage thing. Check out ClubJenna.com for her action figure and new movie.
Howard talked to a couple of the guys who will be playing to win the chance for sex with the mother-daughter whore team. He also talked about how much he enjoyed the movie ''Harry Potter'' which he just watched. Robin thought the movie sucked and couldn't believe Howard liked it. Howard took some more phone calls and killed some time just talking about various things. He talked to a couple of strippers from Club Paradise which is right near the hotel they're staying in. Howard and the guys said they'll be going there to have some fun too.
It's Beetlejuice Baby! 10/26/00. 7:00am
Tiny headed dwarf Beetlejuice came in this morning for a quick visit. Beetlejuice is on his way out to California to shoot a legitimate movie called ''Bubble Boy''. He stopped in to talk about that and some other stuff. He came in dressed in fatigues with green paint on his face like a commando. Beet said that he was in Vietnam and this is what he wore. Howard said you could see his chest in his open shirt also. Because his head is so small he was having problems keeping his headphones on his head. Howard tried to ask Beet about the movie he's going to be in but he really had no clue about what he was talking about. He thought he was going to be in a porno movie but it's not, it's a regular movie. Howard asked him what kind of part he'll be playing and he said ''Pimp''. Howard heard he'd be playing a pin-head. Howard also tried asking him where he was flying out of today but Beet got all messed up and just kept saying California, on a beach. Robin asked him if he's flying out of Newark and he'd just say ''yeah, California on the beach.'' Howard tried to ask him how much he was getting paid to be in this movie also. Beet said ''Over a thousand dollars.'' Howard kept upping the dollar amount and Beet would go along with it. He was up to a million bucks at one point. It turns out he's getting $30,000 for the part. Howard didn't find that out from Beetlejuice though. He had to hear about it from someone else.
Beetlejuice just makes stuff up as he goes along and Howard's not sure what to believe. Beet said that he has a wife and she'll be going with him out to California but Howard wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not.
Howard also had a clip of a song that Beetlejuice recorded. It's actually a rap song with clips of Beetlejuice tossed in. The clips include Beetlejuice vomiting and saying ''Me!?'' and ''I'm Beetlejuice Baby!''
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Beetle and one guy said he wants to wrestle him. The two of them ended up cursing too much so Howard had to cut the guy off. A couple of women called in and said that they saw Beetlejuice on the Jerry Springer show and he's actually a woman! Both of them said that they think it's the same woman that was on the show and they swear that he's a she. Howard thinks they must be confusing him with someone else because he saw Beet's penis at Doug Goodstein's bachelor party.
Howard wrapped things up with Beetlejuice and said you can find out more about him over at JollyDwarf.com
Today's The Wack Pack Strikes Back was over around 10:50am.
Crackhead Bob, Elephant Boy, Nicole Bass And Others Get Hypnotized. 12/10/97. 8:05am
Barbara Lane, author of ''Echos From The Battlefield'' and ''Echos From The Medieval Halls'', came in to hypnotize some people to find out who they were in their past lives. She ''pre-hypnotized'' 5 people; Crackhead Bob, Elephant Boy, Nicole Bass, Steve Grillo and Doug Goodstein. When she brought them into the studio they were all very mellow. The first person to be hypnotized in the studio was Steve Grillo. Barbara counts to 5 and that brings them into their deep hypnosis. While Steve was under, he claimed that his name was Christopher and he just got a new job after working in a stable back around the time of Abraham Lincoln. Like Howard said, Steve was just as inarticulate in his past life as he is now. He wasn't that interesting. Next up was Crackhead Bob. Bob was pretty funny. He was half asleep and was talking very low. He said that he was a soldier in the Civil War. He was a bit confused because he said that he was fighting for the south but he was against slavery. Then he said that he was General Lee! Doug Goodstein from E! was the next person up. Doug had the most detailed story of them all. He claimed to be a Jewish guy in Poland around 1939 when the Nazi's were coming in. He said that the Nazi's beat him and left him for dead but he survived. After his hypnosis he said that he could actually feel the beating he took and almost fell out of his chair. After Doug was female Bodybuilder Nicole Bass. Nicole had an unusual story about being in a ''Utopian Society'' and seeing rolling hills and trees all around. She didn't have much of a story other than that. Howard was goofing on her the whole time asking her if she was more feminine in her past life than she is now. Nicole stayed very calm through the whole thing. She never went into that Herman Munster laugh that she usually does. Elephant Boy was last up. He claimed to be someone by the name of Clemmett Lewiston living in Maple Ridge, Illinois back around the turn of the century. He was the owner of a general merchandise store and was the richest man in town. He also had a wife by the name of Agnes. It was fairly entertaining hearing some of them talking about past lives.
Siobhan The Transvestite Calls In. 2/11/98. 6:30am
This guy used to be on the show years ago. At the time he was a transvestite and a very strange one at that. He hasn't checked in for years so this morning was kind of a reunion on the phone. Siobhan isn't really a transvestite anymore but he still has his hormone induced breasts from back then. Everyone talked about the old times when Siobhan was doing some really strange things. He used to be attracted to Gary of all people. He was also attracted to Howard because he was so nice to him. He even wrote some letters to Howard's wife saying that he wished she were dead so he could be with him. So now Siobhan is a squatter in some apartment in New York City. He takes in stray cats. I don't know how he supports them but he has 7 litter boxes for all of them. I can only imagine the stench of that apartment. Siobhan says that he's not really gay anymore. He's a-sexual. Well that's enough about that story.
In this clip Riley calked in and complained to Howard about his phone number being left out of the TV show that aired recently. Howard had Scott Einziger come in and explain to Riley why they didn't air it. Riley wasn't too happy about it so Howard went into his impression of Riley and told him he'd try to help him out and give him some plugs. He goofed on his alien sightings and some of the weird stuff he talks about.
Gary told Howard about Riley calling and complaining about his number not being on the E! show. He said he did that and then pretended to call in as someone who was upset about them not having his number on the show. Riley said he'd like to hear some tape of that. Howard let Riley go a short time later. He said he loves that guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to get rid of that guy. He said he's tired of him. Howard said he just did. Howard was still doing his impression of Riley. Robin said it is fun to listen to him talk. She was even doing an impression of Riley.
Big Foot Matt Comes In With A New Girlfriend. 4/27/98. 8:45am
The guy with the biggest feet in the world, Matt McGrory, came in today to show off his new girlfriend. Matt has been on the show a few times in the past. He's 7'6'' tall and has huge hands and feet. Howard said he's pretty odd looking. He's not kidding. The guy is wide but not fat and he walks kind of hunched over. His voice is really freakish. It sounds like he's putting his voice through a harmonizer like Howard does when he want's to talk in a really deep voice. So he showed up with Christina, a 6'4'' tall woman. They met on some tall club website. Christina lives in upstate New York and Matt lives in Philadelphia. He drove about 3 hours to meet her in New York. They seem to have hit it off and have gone out about 4 times. Howard asked them if they've had sex yet and they couldn't come up with an answer right away. It turns out that they've only kissed each other so far. Matt hasn't even felt her up. Some woman called in and said that Matt may be lying about this relationship because he asked her friend to go in with him the last time he was on the show. He and Christina denied that claim and kissed for Howard to prove that they really like each other. Matt is trying to pursue an acting career now but I think his roles would be limited. Let's wish these two the best on their new relationship.
In this clip Ian the Drunk called in to complain about some things Howard and his father were saying while talking politics. Howard argued with Ian for a few minutes and told him how wacky he comes off. He and Ian were arguing about President Clinton. Howard said he thinks the guy is a good president. Ian said he's not. Howard let Ian ramble and muted his voice so Ian couldn't hear him. Then Ian went off on Ivan Reitman.
Howard said everyone hates President Clinton. He had an article by Dennis Miller that he wanted to read. Howard had to search through his papers for a couple of minutes to find it. Howard eventually found it and read what Miller had to say about Clinton. Miller said he's the worst President ever. Ian interrupted again so Howard said he really had to go. He said Ian rambles and rambles and never makes a point. Howard said he's a foreign twerp. He told him to go back to his home land.
Howard asked Ian what he was drinking this morning. Ian said he had Coors. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to him after he got into the drinking discussion. Ian ended up cursing so Howard hung up on him. Howard said he could have listened to that all day long.
Howard's Exclusive Nicole Bass Interview. 9/19/00. 8:55am
Yesterday Howard talked about how Nicole Bass was arrested for allegedly biting the thumb of a New York City cop. Today Nicole called in with an exclusive interview with Howard. Howard introduced her on the phone as being a ''great guy'' joking around about how masculine she looks. Howard reminded everyone about the story, which varies from newspaper to newspaper, and said that Nicole may have been maced or may not have been maced. The one thing the papers agree on is that she bit the thumb of a cop. Nicole told Howard that she can't really talk about the case and that she had a pre-written statement that she wanted to read. Nicole seemed to cheer up as the interview went on. She first thanked Howard for being a friend to her over the years. She then said that she is ''..innocent and I will be vindicated.'' Meanwhile, Fred was doing his Herman Munster impression because that's kind of what Nicole reminds people of. Fred kept that up through the whole interview. Nicole was calling in from Boston where she's trying to relax with her husband.
Howard asked her about how often she has sex with her husband. She said they do that as often as possible. Howard said something about it being impossible, once again joking about her masculinity. Howard then asked her what a human thumb tastes like. Nicole couldn't answer that one. She repeated her ''innocent, vindicated'' line. Howard asked who was arrested that day. Nicole said it was her husband, her stepdaughter and of course, herself. Howard asked what the stepdaughter calls her. She said she calls her ''mom'' and someone blurted out ''Mr. Mom'' from the studio. At that point Nicole reminded Howard that her DNA test proved that she is a woman.
Some of the articles claim that Nicole was trying to give her husband heart medication during the scuffle. Nicole reminded Howard that her husband had a heart attack not that long ago. Howard said ''.. well wouldn't you (have a heart attack) if you had to wake up next to Nicole every day?'' He also said that Nicole's husband has gone where no man has gone before.
Howard wants to have a TV show about Nicole where they'd follow her around. He also said he'd like to put her in ''Son of the Beach''. He suggested that she could play the Loch Ness Monster or something like that.
Howard asked Nicole about what the jail was like. He asked if she was put in a men's or women's jail cell. Of course it was a woman's cell. She was not strip searched but she said there were a couple of corrections officers who asked her if she was a guy or not. She was also frisked but that was done by a woman. Howard thinks they must have done that to check for a penis. Howard wondered what the other women in her cell must have thought when they ''.. Saw him walk in.'' He said they must have thought she was arrested for impersonating a woman.
Howard questioned her about being in the cell and found out that she had to move her bowels in front of a couple of other women. He wondered if the stink overcame everyone in the cell. A phony phone caller, Sal the Stockbroker I believe, called in as Diane, Nicole's cell mate. Howard laughed hysterically when he heard the mans voice.
Finally, Nicole told Howard that she's going to give Howard the exclusive when she finally comes out to talk about this whole situation. Howard said he wants to have the press conference on the show. Stay tuned.
Crazy Black Alice Meets High Pitch Erik. 6/22/00. 8:10am
Crazy Alice who's been on the show yelling at people on the phones in the past, came in this morning to meet High Pitch Erik. Howard heard that Alice was perfuming herself up like crazy before she came in. She told Howard that she did that because she was afraid of sweating in front of him. Alice brought in a picture of Howard that she got someplace and wanted to show it to him. Howard didn't want her getting up from her seat so he told her not to move. She thought that he might be afraid of her for some reason. Jackie was cackling in the background so Alice asked ''What the hell you laughing at you fat, bald headed faggot?'' That just made Jackie laugh harder.
Howard spent some time catching up with Alice. He found out that she's on a lot of different drugs to help her with her thyroid problems, mental problems and sleeping problems. She seemed a little more mellow than she has in the past.
Howard asked Alice why she wanted to meet High Pitch Erik today. She said that he seems like a nice person and he gets treated like crap by the likes of Crazy Cabbie. She doesn't have anything against Cabbie but said he shouldn't have treated Erik the way he did. Erik came in all dressed up to meet his new friend. Howard reminded everyone that Erik just lost his virginity to porn star Dynamite. Erik plugged the web site where he lost his virginity, RealPornWorld.com, a couple of times like he was probably told to. Alice said she's not looking to be Erik's girlfriend or anything. She's just going to be a friend to him.
Howard started taking phone calls for Alice and that always leads to her yelling and screaming at the callers. She was pretty mellow for a while but when people started bad mouthing her and calling her fat and ugly she started to go a little crazy. There were also a couple of callers who complained about Erik coming on to them while they were on AOL. Erik denied it but these guys swear that he was telling them that he liked their pictures. King of all Blacks called in and said that Alice must be a virgin. He was right. She ended up calling KOAB fat and ugly so he called back a short time later to yell at her. The two of them went at it for a little while before Howard cut off KOAB.
Benjy, who went out with Alice once, came in to profess his love for her. He started to sing a song but Howard cut him off after about 5 words. He had to kick him out of the studio because he was just acting like an idiot.
Alice and Erik are going to take in a movie later today and just hang out for a while. There won't be anything sexual happening between the two of them.
In the clip Howard had Big Black come in and went over his look and how he acts. He said he makes Urkel look like a Muslim. Howard said he's going about his business and working his job. Big Black said he works for the phone company. Howard said he's really a black hero. He said a black hero isn't a minister who bilks the community. He said Big Black is doing his job and going about his business. He's not running around with 20 kids but that's because he can't get laid. Big Black said he hasn't gotten laid since about 1985.
Howard asked Big Black if he has had any girls in his life at all. Big Black said he has been holding out for the right woman. He said Robin might be that woman. Robin said she's not. Big Black said he'd like to take her out and find out. Howard said Big Black has to get the smell on him and that will help. He said he should get a hooker and take it from there. Robin told him to try going to church. She said there are plenty of women there. Big Black said he's not religious. Robin said it doesn't matter.
Howard said Big Black had some audio tape for them. Big Black said he had some tape of Louis Farrakhan for Howard. He had some other clips that Howard played too.
Howard and Big Black talked about masturbation. Big Black said he tries to hold out as long as he can. He asked Robin how long she can hold out. Robin said she stopped for a while. She said that lasted about 2 months. Howard said that's probably an exaggeration. He said it was probably like a month.
Howard said Big Black went up to Kathie Lee and asked her some questions. Big Black said he didn't think he had a shot but her driver had a problem with the car so he asked her to sign his book. He said her friend pointed out that it had Howard's signature in it and Kathie Lee stopped signing in the middle of her signature. Howard said her signature looks very happy. Howard started to wrap up but he wanted to dance with Big Black to see how he dances. He had to find a song they could use on the E! show. He played a song and Big Black danced. Howard said he had hips made of concrete. Howard said the guy has huge hips and there is no muscle in there.
Howard talked about some discussions they were having about black people at movie theaters. Howard said that Tom Chiusano had a story about that. Big Black said that King of All Blacks had a fight at the party they had. Howard said he would talk about that later.
Howard said when he lived in Roosevelt they had to shut down a theater because the black people would ruin the screen by throwing stuff at it.
Gary told Howard there's a girl on the phone for Big Black. Howard picked up and she said she was interested in Big Black. Howard asked her some questions and found out she's a big fan of the show and she's a designer who gets to listen to the show. Big Black asked her what she designs and he did it in a really creepy voice. Howard said that's how he ruins it. They spent a couple of minutes talking to her. Big Black said he can't settle for any fat pigs. The caller said she can't understand how he can be so choosy. Big Black said he'd rather be alone than with a fat pig.
Big Black was getting kind of rude with the woman on the phone so Howard wondered what he was doing. Big Black said all he really wants is Robin. Robin said he would run from her if he went out with her. Howard said this woman on the phone sounds lovely. He said he'd give it a spin if he were Big Black. Big Black said he hasn't found a woman that's right for him. Howard said this doesn't make sense to him. He said he might be more into masturbation than into a real relationship. Big Black said that he's a loner.
Gary came in and said that the woman's boyfriend was on the line. It turned out that it was for real. The guy called in and said that everything she's said is true. He said she's gorgeous. He wasn't sure what she was doing though. He said he'd commit suicide if she went out with Big Black. The woman said that her boyfriend is a big fan of the show and he's home sick. She figured that he'd call in if she got on the air. She doesn't really want Big Black. Big Black told her to get off the phone.
In the clip Howard was playing clips of his recording session for ''China Girl.'' They were having a hard time with getting her to say what they wanted. Howard played those clips and then played the bit. They had Gina Girl singing and answering dopey questions in the bit. It was supposed to be a Rain Man parody.
After playing the bit Howard said the audience loved it because the phones were lit up. Howard took some calls and the fans were saying they loved it.
Speech Impediment Man Gets Laid! 2/24/97. 7:35am
Howard has been getting reports from a bunch of guys who have gotten laid because of these Private Parts busses that are driving around showing a clip of the movie. Speech Impediment Man got laid for the first time because of the bus out in California. He called in today and told his story. It wasn't much of a story since he called the woman a pig. I guess he'll take anyone that comes his way. A few other guys have also called in to tell their stories about getting laid. One of the guys who's on the bus from New York even called in to tell his story about getting laid on the bus. Howard thinks that the movie premiere is going to be a hell of a place to get laid. All you singles out there should rush out and get tickets tomorrow morning!
Nude Rubdown Contest Winner Picked. 6/26/98. 6:55am
This was one of the quickest picks for the winner of a contest on the show. Next Tuesday porn star Serenity will be coming in to give one lucky winner a nude rubdown. For the past couple of weeks people have been calling in telling their hard luck stories. Howard had a list of about 5 this morning. It came down to two guys. One guy, Brian, was stabbed 32 times by some kid who was hired by his wife to kill him. And the other guy, Joe, had cancer and got his voice messed up by surgery. Howard said he had to pick Joe because of his unusual voice. It's better for radio according to Howard. Everyone but Fred voted for Joe. Fred picked Brian because he said that it's more unusual to get stabbed than to get cancer. He really is from Mars, isn't he? So next Tuesday Joe will be in to get his nude rubdown.
In the clip Howard introduced Celestine who is wheeled around on a gurney. They had some trouble getting her into the studio. Howard pointed out that she does everything with her tongue. She's able to play a keyboard and she was fixing her sleeve with her tongue.
Howard asked Celestine if she's still married. She said she is and her husband had to work so he wasn't able to come up there with her. Howard said he's a big fan of Celestine's. He said that anyone who can play piano with their tongue is amazing. He said he wonders what else she can do with that tongue. Celestine said she can do anything with her tongue.
Howard asked her to pick up a coin and flip it. Celestine did it. Howard said she's an amazing woman. He said she picked up a quarter and tossed it across the room.
Howard asked Celestine how she wrote her book. She typed it on a typewriter. She said that she published it herself but Evander Holyfield helped her with the financing. Howard asked how people can buy the book. She said that you have to order it. She said there's an 800 number to call but she didn't have it.
Howard said Celestine had kids and they were born with legs and arms. She was able to raise them on her own. She said that one is in college already.
Howard checked out Celestine's book and saw a picture of her mother. Celestine said that was the last picture she had of her. She hasn't seen her for a long time. She said she's lost in New York somewhere. Celestine said she was a heroin addict and a prostitute. Celestine said she stopped calling and coming around so she's not sure if she's dead or alive. Celestine said she'd like to find her now that she's famous. She said that her mom tried to use a coat hanger on herself to abort her. Howard asked if she believes in abortion rights. Celestine said that she believes that it's every woman's choice. She said she's the way she is because of the botched abortion though.
Howard asked how they can find her mother. Celestine gave Howard her real name and age so they could try and find her. Celestine wanted to give out a phone number but Gary said none of the guys knew what it was. She said she had the number on a piece of paper in the car.
Gary came in with the book and said he had read it and it was an incredible story. Howard said he had the 800 number but Celestine said she was upset that he wasn't going to pay for her car ride there. Howard said they don't pay for transportation to the show. He said that they had her on to promote her book but they don't usually pay for transportation. He said it's a shakedown every time.
Celestine said that the cab driver charged her $350 to get there. That's the round trip cost. Howard said he wanted to talk to the driver. He was there waiting for her. Howard said this is a shakedown. Celestine said that Sally Jesse paid for her transportation.
Gary said that this woman Shelly sent them a press kit and they were interested in this. He said they told her that they don't provide transportation and they were fine with that. Gary asked if she knew this. Celestine said that she knew Howard was a sucker and he'd pay for it anyway. Howard said he has $180 on him so he'll give that to her. Tom Chiusano came in with some cash. He didn't have the rest of it but he did have over $100. They had a total of $300. Celestine was still complaining so they ended up giving her $360.
Howard had Celestine's driver come in. He spent a few minutes talking to him. Howard gave Celestine some plugs for her book and gave out her 800 number. He spent a few more minutes talking to her about what she's going to be doing and found out she'll be doing a book signing.
Celestine asked for a can of soda. They gave one to her and watched as she opened it with her tongue. Howard said that was erotic. He wrapped up a short time later.
Today's The Wack Pack Strikes Back was over around 10:45am.
Hygiene Questions From Paranoid Schizophrenic Ed. 10/31/07. 6:35am
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he wipes or gets right into the bath after he takes a shit. Howard said that if he takes a dump, he still wipes before he gets into the shower. He said he still wipes 3 times with toilet paper and then gets some baby wipes and makes sure that he's very clean down there. Then he'll get into the shower and clean out all of the remnants that he can get out of there. He said that even after all of that he can still find stuff down there. These days he'll use baby wipes and stick his finger up there to poke around to make sure there's no brown left. He said he hates going to the bathroom because it takes so long to get this done.
Howard said the first baby wipe is a mess and he has to lay it down. The caller asked him why he does all of that even if he's getting into the shower. Howard said he has to do that because the poking around is the only way to get it all out of there. He said he could write a book on this stuff. Artie said that you have to bring a small hand towel into the shower and use that to wipe your ass. He said that if you're ever in his apartment and see hand towels laying around, stay away! Howard said he has some towels laying around with brown spots on them too. He said he does a test with the towel after taking a shower to make sure he's clean back there.
The caller said that he puts a napkin in his pants as an ''ass rag'' to make sure he doesn't make any stains. He said he keeps that in there all day long so he doesn't stain his underwear. Howard told him he won't stain it if he does what he does. The caller said that if he has an itch back there, he might get stains. Howard told him that if he's doing that he's leaving something behind.
Artie told the caller that he sounds like a very creepy individual. The caller said that he didn't want to hear his shit today. The caller said he had a napkin in there as they spoke. Artie said that poor napkin has to suffer from being in that guy's asshole all day. The caller thought that Artie was a sick individual.
Howard told the guy on the phone that he sounds like he's calling from under a rock or something. The guy said that he was calling from a rooming house and holding the phone in a shit pail or something like that.
Howard said he was out at the gym yesterday and felt like he had to take a dump. He was trying to decide if he should just go home and do it or do it at the gym. He was going to walk home but he wasn't able to hold it in so he took his dump there. He said he did that and then went home and used the baby wipes there. Artie said that you have to do it there because you never know what's going to happen on the way home.
Artie said that the shit is always better at home because you're more relaxed there. Howard said that he usually takes one dump a day but yesterday he had to take two. He went into the bathroom and did his thing again. He cleaned up really good with the baby wipes. He said that Beth got into bed last night after they watched The Biggest Loser and he went to get a rubber but then realized he might stink so he hopped into the shower real quick so he was squeaky clean. He remembered catching a whiff of himself one time and he didn't want the room smelling like ass.
Howard said he hopped into the shower, shot some soap up his ass and waited for the hot water to hit him. He said that Beth was asking him what was going on and he had to tell her that he was just cleaning up a little. Beth threatened to go to sleep so he hurried up and ran back in with his legs all wet. He told her he didn't shower even though his legs were dripping wet.
The caller, Ed, said that he had just cleaned up this shit bucket that he had. The guys found out he was up in Buffalo living in this rooming house. Artie asked him a few questions about how old he is, what ethnic background he has and stuff like that. He's white, 35 years old and talking into a shit bucket. Ed said that he's on SSI right now and not working. He has SIRIUS though so Artie was surprised about that. Artie said this is the kind of guy they should do something for. He asked him if he's got any issues. The guy said that he's paranoid schizophrenic. Howard said he kind of sounds it. Ed said he hears voices and stuff.
Howard asked Ed when he found out he was like this. Ed said it was when he was 28 years old. Before that he was a painter. Artie figured he was a house painter, not an artist painter. Ed said that was right. Ed said that he has one friend and it's not some made up dude. Howard asked him if the guy is afraid of him. Ed said he's not. He also said that he's not going to kill anyone or anything like that.
Howard asked Ed if he ever thinks that his friend is going to kill him. Ed said he doesn't think so. Howard asked him about what it costs to stay in the rooming house. He said it's $250 a month to stay there. He said he's not even allowed to bring a girl to his room there. Howard said that kind of sucks when you pay to live somewhere and you're told that you can't have a girl there.
Howard asked Ed about his ass napkins and where he gets them. He said he gets them from restaurants he goes to. He said they look at him kind of weird when he takes their napkins. He said he always finds shit on those napkins too. Howard said he wants him to come in and show him his procedure so he can show him what he's doing wrong. He said that the napkin is a bad idea and he doesn't like that.
Howard told Ed to come in there sometime so they can check him out. He said he'd do that if they set him up. Howard put him on hold a short time later. He said he really wants to meet him. Artie said that they should give him a lifetime supply of napkins or something as a gift. Howard said he has to change that up and he can't be using napkins like that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's never had any shit in his pants. He said that he's not sure what this Ed guy is doing wrong. He also said that he didn't wear underwear for a while because he's in the Army and the stuff they issue is really rough. Howard said he knows that his friend Dan Flores doesn't wear underwear and he found that out when they were out in California one time. He thought that was kind of odd. He said he pictures Dan being an underwear kind of guy.
Ass Napkin (Paranoid Schizophrenic) Ed Visits. 11/08/07. 6:50am
After the commercial break we heard a clip of Richard Christy at a Star Trek convention talking to a Trekkie who was telling him his favorite line from the show. Fred also played a Larry Pierce song as Howard was coming back. Howard said that they had a guy call in last week who talked about putting an ''ass napkin'' in his underwear to make sure he doesn't get skid marks. He said that guy was there this morning. He replayed the guy's call from last week and wondered why they had him in there today.
Howard had Ass Napkin Ed com in a short time later. Ed was drunk and barely able to speak this morning. He was mumbling out his words and barely understandable. The guy said that he's a paranoid schizophrenic when he called in last week. He had some kind of twitch going on too. Howard said he wanted to see this ass rag he has in his pants. Ed said it has shit on it so he didn't want to show it. He said he was itchy down there so that's why there was shit on it.
Howard said he had the same problem and suggested he get baby wipes to clean up down there. Ed said he has fuckin' baby wipes and his voice went really high. Artie said he sounds like a crazy Mexican. Artie remembered meeting the guy at a signing up in Buffalo one time. Ed said that was like 2 years ago and he as amazed that Artie remembered him.
Howard said that he now knows why he wanted to meet this guy. He said that he was really interesting. Ed said he came down from Buffalo this morning on the bus. He said he just got off the bus about an hour ago. Howard said that Ed has some mental problems and he can't work because of them. He's paranoid and schizophrenic. Howard wondered what he hears in his head and stuff. Ed said he hears Howard a lot and it's not when he's on the air. He also hears Baba Booey. Howard said he hears his parents voices a lot in his head.
Howard asked Ed what he hears him saying. Ed said that he hears Howard talking shit and telling him to get the fuck out of there and things like that. Artie said that they actually did say that.
Howard asked Ed about his drinking and if he did it on the bus. He said he was drinking red wine and he did have it with him on the bus. He said that it's $10 a box for the stuff he drinks. Howard wanted to give him some advice on his ass problems, that's why he brought him down there. Ed asked if he could play a contest or something for money. Gary said they did have some for him so he'd bring in the information.
Howard asked Ed why he thinks that there's shit on his ass napkin. Ed said he took a shit a few hours before he got on the bus. He wiped but then put an ass napkin in his pants. Howard asked him how there could be shit on it if he wiped. Ed said that he didn't have any wet naps with him at the time. Howard told him that he probably created something he could call an ass-pon like a tampon for the ass.
Howard asked Ed to pull down his pants and show the ass napkin. He didn't want him to pull it out though. Ed pulled down his pants and showed the guys what he had in there. Howard didn't want to see him pull it out. He said he saw that he had zits on his ass though. Ed said that he's 35 years old but the guys said he looks younger. He said he's still able to get girls and he doesn't have to pay for them. He's able to pick them up in the bar.
Artie said that he likes this kid and asked him if he wanted to open up for him at Avery Fisher Hall. Ed said that he actually has some material and did him some of that. He seemed to get lost halfway through the joke and said he had to add more to it. It was something about going into an old building and being unable to find the string for the light. He had Artie laughing his ass off but it wasn't because the joke was funny, it was his delivery. Artie said that what he was doing physically was funny.
Howard said that he asked Ed down there to give him some advice on wiping. He told him that he had the same problems when he was his age and had to learn how to wipe correctly. He said he wipes 3 times with wet naps until he doesn't see anymore brown. He told him to buy some Wet Naps and use those instead of paper. He thinks that Ed is going to get hemorrhoids if he keeps doing what he's doing. Ed said he thinks that he'll keep using the ass rag even if he does that.
Howard asked him if the ass rag has ever fallen out when he's walking around. He said that has happened but he just played dumb and pretended he didn't know what it was. He said that there were a bunch of businessmen around at the time. He said he was at a hotel in Boston at the time. Artie wondered what he was doing there. Ed said he'd gone to the Lizzie Borden house up there with his sister. He said that he slept right in the spot where the people were killed.
Howard asked Ed if people see the shit on the ass napkin when it falls out. Ed said that it's like his calling card when it falls out. Artie said that he must say ''What asshole left that here?'' when he sees it fall out.
Howard asked Ed if he has a problem with booze. Ed said that he does. Ed was also saying that he plays checkers on his computer and wanted Howard to play him. He also told Howard that he hasn't had sex in 2 years but he does beat off. Howard asked him if he's accidentally beat off into his ass napkin. Ed just laughed. Ed said that he's pan-sexual and only likes to be with himself.
Howard asked Gary if they had a game for Ed to play to win some money. Ed said that he's broke but he's still able to pay $13 a month for SIRIUS. Gary had some games to play and was working on getting them ready to play. Howard took some phone calls after Ed had asked to give some shout outs to some people but forgot who they were.
One caller said that this guy is a poser and he's been using one of these ''wa rags'' for years. He wanted to play a game against this guy and give the money to charity. Howard let him go and took another call but ended up hanging up on him because he didn't want to get into whatever it was he wanted to talk about.
Gary came in with a Big Foot game where they have Big Foot tell them if he knows who these famous people are. The first one was Abraham Lincoln and Big Foot knew that he was President. That was just an example for Ed. Then they gave him Tom Brady. Ed didn't know who he was himself. He thought that it was some guy from The Brady Bunch. He didn't think Big Foot would know who he was either. Howard said that the guy is the quarterback for the New England Patriots. Big Foot said he was from the Brady Bunch.
The next one was Adolf Hitler. Ed said he was some German dude who killed all the Jews. Ed figured that Big Foot would know too. He did, he said it was that Nazi dude. Howard played the next one which was Alec Baldwin. Ed knew he was an actor and figured Big Foot would know. Howard said he was nervous about that one. Big Foot said he didn't have the foggiest idea who he was.
Howard said that Ed wasn't out of it yet, he had two more chances to win the $500. He gave him the next name, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ed knew he was the governor of California. Howard said he was also an actor. Howard played his answer and Big Foot said he was a wrestler. Ed called him a retard and couldn't believe he missed that one.
Howard told Ed he has one more chance to win the money. He gave him the next one where Richard asks Big Foot ''Who's Artie Lange?'' Artie didn't think that he'd remember him. Ed said he knows Artie and he was right there. Ed said he met Artie a few years ago but he doesn't remember. Artie had just told him he did remember a short time before though. Big Foot said that Artie Lange was a guy ''who plays on the Howard Stern.'' Ed had pulled it out and won the money after guessing that Big Foot would know Artie. The money was courtesy of Cash4Gold.com
Ed said that on YouTube he does stuff and his name on there is ElephantDrunk. He said he does some singing on there. He sings the song ''Part Time Lover.'' Howard had Fred try to find that song but he wasn't able to find it in the system. Ed said he likes Michael Jackson stuff too. Howard let Ed get in a plug for RockysRubberRoom.com before letting him go.
Underdog Lady Calls In. 11/14/02. 9:05am
Many years ago this woman Susan, who calls herself Underdog Lady, appeared on Howard's show and WWOR TV show. She dresses like the cartoon character Underdog and dances around as the character. She told Howard that she's been ''suffering non-stop'' for the past 10 years because of how Howard treated her back then. She said he gave her a bad name and ruined her reputation. She said he was filthy in his dialog and pulled pranks on her back then. Howard stayed calm and pretended they were old friends. She went on to complain about how spectators at a parade were bothering her last year and she tried to get them to stop. She said because they wouldn't stop bothering her, she was kicked out of the parade. She said she gets angry when people tease her and that's what got her kicked out. She said that Howard was the one who looked her up, she didn't look to get on his show. Gary came in and tried to talk to her but she just kept on yelling. She said she lost a TV show because she appeared on Howard's show. Howard said he thinks that's a bunch of crap and her act is just so scary that she freaks everyone out. She yelled at Howard to make people stop teasing her. She hung up before they had a chance to really get through to her and let her know that they didn't do anything wrong. She was saying that she was ''lured'' on to the show and then treated like crap. Gary pointed out she came back a second time even after she was treated so poorly.
Howard said when they got he call today he actually had Fred end the commercials early so they could get to the call. Stuttering John said he just hoped that she'd hold on long enough for Howard to get to her. Howard took a couple of phone calls from some listeners and they loved Underdog Lady. Howard said he would have kept her on the air for an hour and a half if he could have but she hung up on him.
One listener called in and congratulated Fred on the birth of his baby daughter Tess. Howard then spent a couple of minutes getting an update from Fred on how that's gone over the past week or so. Fred said she finally slept through a night and he's enjoying the baby. He said he's learned the baby's favorite position and he knows how to keep her calm. After talking to Fred about that Howard interrupted the guy who called in because Susan the Underdog Lady called back in. She said Howard was being his usual insensitive person and was insulting her earlier. Howard told her that he was fascinated by what she did back then and she knew what she was getting into when she kept coming on the show. Howard told Susan that his father actually worked on the Underdog cartoons many years ago in his recording studio. That silenced Susan for a few seconds but then she said Howard ''maligned it'' by surrounding her with X-rated show content. The longer she was on the phone the angrier she got. She started out mellow but within a couple of minutes she was yelling at him again until she completely freaked out and hung up on him. Howard told John to try and get her on the phone again.
Benjy told Howard he didn't know exactly who she was so Howard explained her to him. Howard said she believed she was never ridiculed but he knows she was. He and the rest of the guys spent some time talking about just how odd she is. Howard said they could do 4 hours a day for a year and not run out of material.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he has a friend that wants to hire her and it could be worth up to $2500. Howard didn't want anyone goofing on her so he asked Dominic if he was serious. He said he was and asked Howard too hook her up if she called back. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and reminded everyone of who she looked like. He said Susan looked like Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. Howard finished up the Underdog lady discussion and took another break so they could get to Robin's news.
After the break Howard said he heard something odd about Scott DePace from E!. He said he heard that Scott is so against bi-lingual stuff in the U.S. That he was going to take his money to another bank because his bank offered Spanish as an alternate language on the ATM machine. Scott said he would like to do that but he didn't do it. Stuttering John said he heard that Scott was going to do it. Scott believes that there should be only one language in this country and it should be English.
Howard talked about how XM Satellite Radio just laid off 80 people and how they're not doing so well. Stuttering John asked him if he'd consider doing satellite after his current contract is up. Howard said he's done with radio after the current contract. Gary came in and asked Howard if he'd be willing to do a couple more years if they offered him the right amount of money. Howard said he might do more as long as Tom Chiusano isn't around. Gary asked him if he'd stick around if he had a 4 day work week or something like that. Howard said he'd do it if he could have Mondays and Fridays off. He went on to talk about the article he read about XM Satellite. Robin said she was asked if she wanted XM and she said no. Howard said the radios are apparently hard to make and that's why they're kind of expensive.
Howard took some phone calls and talked about a bunch of other stuff before getting to Robin's news. He talked about the movies he's executive producing. For those of you who don't know, he's remaking ''Porky's'' and ''Rock and Roll High School.'' The guys all spent some time talking about that and goofing around with some ideas for the ''Rock and Roll High School'' movie. Howard moved on to the news after those discussions.
Much later during Robin's news Stuttering John got Underdog lady back on the phone. He told Howard that the only way she'd agree to come back on the show was if Howard told his fans to stop bothering her in public. Howard did that and she also told him to stop calling her ''Underdog Lady'', she's just ''Underdog.'' Howard sweet talked her and told her he misses her and thinks he loves her. He said he dreams of getting to know her better. She wasn't taking that the right way though. Howard told her that she was responsible for his divorce in a strange way. She didn't believe that and also figured he was going to blame her for his WWOR TV show being canceled 10 years ago. Howard confessed his love to her over and over again but she just wanted him to make his fans stop bothering her. Howard told the fans to stop taunting her and continued to try and win her back over. Howard called her his ''lady love'' but she didn't want any part of that. Howard told her that he really does love her but her anger just wouldn't go away.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Underdog slapped his kid when he refused to stop taunting her. She said she never hit anyone, she just shook her fist at the kid. Howard defended Underdog lady and continued to try and win her over. She continued to repeat her plea for Howard to make everyone stop taunting her. Howard put the word out again for people to stop bothering her and ended up singing a love song to her. Underdog said she's not sure she can trust him. Howard sang that he wanted her to enter his bed but after a few minutes of that she hung up on him again. Stuttering John asked if they should try to book her for the show the next time she calls in. ''Of course!'' Howard yelled at John.
Howard took a call from boxer Shannon Briggs who called in to tell Howard to lay off of her a bit. He got in a plug for some event he was doing tonight before Howard got off the phone and wrapped up the rest of the news.
The New And Improved Jeff The Drunk? 5/16/03. 7:15am
Howard came back from break and said he was watching a tape Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) sent him. He said it was horribly weird. He has sex with a watermelon and then goes out and gives away free watermelon to black people. Howard played some of the video for Robin so she could see it for herself. All you could hear was Yucko going nuts on the melon as he banged it. Then you hear him giving away the melon to people asking them how it tastes.
Howard moved on to talk about Jeff the Drunk and how great Artie's impression of him is. Artie did a little bit of that and then Howard talked about how they didn't bring Jeff out to Vegas with them because he's such a pain in the ass. Howard said Jeff is coming in today to announce that he's not going to be annoying anymore. It turns out Jeff heard that Jenna Jameson was coming in and asked if he could take a picture with her. Jeff then asked KC if he had a camera for him because he doesn't have a lot of money to buy one for himself. He's already being a pain in the ass as he always has. KC said Jeff already called him a ''bitch'' this morning out in the hallway too. Howard played ''You Were Always on my Mind'' that Jeff performed a while back. Jeff said he wasn't doing anything wrong this morning and really was going to change his ways. Howard asked Jeff if he learned his lesson after they didn't take him out to Vegas. Jeff said he did learn his lesson but Howard pointed out that he's bugging them for a camera and stuff even though he says he's not bugging them. Jeff complained about losing his driver's license and how he can't get a job because of that. Howard said that's not anyone's fault but his own. Jeff is supposed to be on his best behavior there at the station but Gary came in and said he was doing something there at the station he wasn't supposed to be doing. He apparently smoked some weed and Gary was going to get in trouble for that.
Howard talked to Jeff about how he cried one day when he found out he wasn't going to Vegas with them. Jeff said he was upset he couldn't go with them. Howard also spoke to him about his driver's license being taken away from him. He lost his license and then drove home from court. He got four more tickets that day. He said he was going to take his car home and park it but he was stoned when he got pulled over. Jeff said he has a job stamping hands at a pool now but he sits home during the winter when the pool is closed. Howard wondered how he got that job. Jeff said he has some connections. Howard wondered why someone would need their hand stamped at a pool. He also wondered what they pay someone to do that. Jeff said he wishes he was making $7 an hour. Jeff said he's pretty sure it's $6.20 an hour. He also said he wishes it was more because he's been there for 7 years now. Howard said ''You're stamping hands, it's probably not going to go up.'' They told him that the job is supposed to be for a kid who's out of school for the school year. Howard said he's amazed they even let Jeff around kids at all. Jeff told Howard a story about this black kid who called him ''Whitey'' one time when he pointed out he hadn't paid to get in. Jeff said he responded with a ''Hey, what the hell is that all about?'' Jeff had a few other stories to tell in his drunken state. The story he told didn't make any sense and it was pointless. Robin wondered how old Jeff's boss is since he works at a pool. He didn't give an answer though. Howard and the guys asked him a bunch of other questions about his job and what goes on there. Jeff said the pool usually opens around Memorial Day. He works 5 days a week and has to work on weekends and 3 days during the week.
KC said that Jeff is on welfare so they asked him a couple of questions about that. He somehow finds money to buy beer, cigarettes and weed with. He said those are the things he ''needs.'' KC told him if he didn't drink for one day, he'd be able to buy a disposable camera to take a picture of Jenna Jameson with. Jeff told him his logic is really dumb.
Howard asked Jeff more about the hand stamping thing. Jeff said all he does is stamp hands, he doesn't collect cash or anything like that. Jeff said they wouldn't even let him take home the ink pad and smiley face stamp that he uses.
Howard said Jeff is now being managed by Sean who managed Beetlejuice. He'll be available for appearances through him. Jeff said his other manager sucked and didn't get him more than 3 gigs in 6 months. Jeff said he'd like at least two gigs a month. Howard wondered what he does that would make him worth booking. Jeff basically said he hangs out. He says he's a very friendly person. Howard asked what Jeff did last night when he got into town. He said he met some chick but couldn't remember her name. Artie said, in Jeff's voice, ''I call her 'dead chick in the trunk.'' He eventually remembered her name and it was Jessica Alba. Jeff said he recognized her and asked her if there was anything she wanted him to tell Howard. Jeff said her boyfriend told him to tell Howard he ''...left the key at the front desk but he never came to get it.'' Howard didn't get that and neither did Jeff. He didn't bother asking him what he meant though. Howard said that Jeff can be booked for gigs through JollyDwarf.com. Robin said people could hire him to stamp hands at parties. Howard thought that would be funny but Jeff didn't seem to find it amusing. KC came in a few seconds later with tape of Jeff leaving a message for them about how pissed he was about the way he was treated. Artie did his impression after hearing the tape. Howard said he had to hear it again after Artie goofed on it. Jeff was extremely pissed that day but the message was pretty funny. Howard told Jeff that he can't take a picture with Jenna Jameson today either. He then started to wrap up the segment but Jeff was upset because Howard wouldn't let him perform a song. He told him if he behaves himself from now on, he may be invited to go to Las Vegas the next time they go... if they go again. Howard thanked him for coming in and let him leave.
In this clip Howard was talking about some Ponce De La Phone calls that he wanted to play. He said they've never met him but he does introduce him in his book. He played a call that Ponce made where he played clips of Ben Stern singing ''Baby, Baby.''
Gary told Howard he had another one where Ponce uses some clips from the show to create a conversation with his boyfriend. Howard played that one too. In that one Ponce uses clips of Jackie's apology to apologize to him for the fight they had. The host didn't want to get into it too deep so he cut him off and gave Ponce some advice on what to do. Howard said he liked that one so much he had to hear it again. Howard said it sounded like he had more in him but they cut him off. Howard said the host had two gay guys on the line and could have made something out of it but he hung up.
Howard ended up talking about Jackie's apology and how he'll never forget that moment. He said he thought he was going to have to leave the show because things were so tense between Jackie and his wife.
Howard replayed the call again. Gary said they had one more after that. Gary said Ponce called a show and talked to the host as someone from ''Family Values in Media'' and at the end he was telling him he was going to get an award but then he let it out of the bag that the award was named after a special person and gave him some ''Baba Booey'' lines.
Hank The Dwarf, Crackhead Bob And Nicole Moore The Nude Painter. 4/19/01. 8:25am
Howard took a break and when he came back Crackhead Bob did some singing for us. He had Howard play a John Mellencamp song and he sang along with it. He sang the whole damn song... but you couldn't understand more than 4 or 5 words though. Bob tried to explain that he was singing the song because it's kind of what his life is like. The song, which we couldn't hear because Bob's ''dinging'' was drowning it out, must mention losing his kids and wife or something. Bob said his kids don't like him right now because they're teenagers. He thinks they may come around at some point but Howard's not so sure about that.
Annie Ander Sinn Comes In. 4/20/00. 9:25am
Back in February Howard had a ''Who Wants to be a Vaginal Millionaire'' game where a couple of guys won the chance to have sex with porn star Annie Ander Sinn. Today Annie and John the Stutterer came in to promote the video tape that came out of the whole thing. Annie had made it a stipulation that the winners had to be video taped having sex with her. Annie wasn't wearing any underwear when she came in this morning. She says that she never wears any underwear. Howard talked to John about his sexual encounter with Annie for a few minutes. Howard was under the impression that he only performed oral sex on Annie but it was later revealed that he had intercourse with her also. It was John's first time having sex and he said it was even better than he thought it would be. Of course it took him about a minute to get out the word ''even''. Howard heard that John wasn't able to orgasm while he was having sex with Annie. John said that all of the medications he's on for depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and high blood pressure were the cause for not being able to finish. Annie, on the other hand, had 3 orgasms with him. She said she didn't fake them either. She said she had a wonderful time with him and would even consider dating him again without the cameras around. John said that he's so used to failure with women that he would probably be afraid to ask Annie out. He said he's so used to failure that when something good happens to him he can't believe it. He told Howard that he hasn't had any friends since 1982. He said he doesn't want guy friends, he just wants chicks.
The video tape that Annie has put out is called ''Who Wants to be a Vaginal Millionaire'' and you can find it at GetAnnie.com. Annie is also appearing at Frank's Chicken House in Manville, NJ this week where she'll be totally nude dancing. She also said she'll be on the cover of ''Leg Action'' magazine in May.
Hank The Dwarf And High Pitch Erik Come In. 6/5/01. 8:05am
Right before Hank the dwarf showed up Howard replayed a bit that they played during the news yesterday. It was tape of this basketball player Dikembe Mutambo at a press conference talking about who knows what. Someone pointed out that he sounds just like Sesame Street's Cookie Monster. So in the tape they play Cookie Monster singing about the letter C and Dikembe talking in his press conference. They sound amazingly close. When they played this during the news yesterday everyone was laughing their asses off. Today it was still funny but not quite as funny as yesterday.
Hank the dwarf showed up this morning to promote his appearance on tonight's ''Son of the Beach''. Howard said Hank was carrying a two bottles of alcoholic drinks when he came in. One of the bottles was huge and the other was quite a bit smaller. Hank said the big one contained Orange drink and Coke mixed with ''Vahka'' or Vodka without the drunken speech slur. The smaller one contained fruit punch and ''Vahka''. Howard watched Hank try and get up on the couch for a few seconds before having KC help him out. Howard said he was climbing up without letting go of his bottles so it was impossible for him to get up there alone.
Howard talked to Hank about the days he spent shooting his scenes for ''Son of the Beach'' and how he wasn't able to drink. Hank said he'd go out drinking after their day was done. He'd leave the set around 5pm and stay out until the bars closed. He said he'd have a hangover in the morning but he was able to work that way. Howard played a clip from the show and took some phone calls for Hank. Most callers just call Hank a midget because it gets him really pissed off. Hank would then just go off on these people yelling at them.
Howard was talking to KC earlier in the show about how dopey he is and how he's probably no smarter than High Pitch Erik. This led to Howard holding a quick quiz for the two of them. He asked about 15 general knowledge questions like:
Who Will Be America's Next Wack Packer. 08/03/06. 8:25am
After the break Howard got back to the America's Next Wack Packer contest he almost got to earlier. They had a $5,000 prize ready to go. They narrowed down all of the entries to 3 finalists and Howard and the guys were going to vote on who they thought was the best.
Howard spoke to Dennis who had a bit of a high pitched voice. He was in a wheelchair and had a ''penis looking thing'' attached to his mouth. Dennis said that he has 3 personalities. He described Dennis, Crazy Kenny and Denise as being the three personalities he has. He said people think he's a woman when he calls certain places. Dennis also told Howard that he's in a wheelchair because he was hit by a car at the age of 7, he's 27 now. He died after getting hit but he was brought back. He claims he saw the afterlife and a great white light. He said there was nothing and heard a voice tell him that he was to go back because they weren't ready for him. Robin asked him if he was sent back to become part of the Wack Pack. He said that must be the reason.
Dennis said that he can't move his legs and his arms are pretty much paralyzed. He was all over the place saying that he has to take Cialis to get a boner for his girlfriend. He also said ''fuck you'' to President Bush for stopping stem cell research because he thinks he could be cured some day from that research.
Howard asked Dennis about his hard ons and about taking a dump. Dennis said that someone has to ''dig him out'' because he can't poop on his own. He said he has some pretty hot nurses who help him out with that. He has someone come in every other day to do that for him. Gary asked him if they don't do that for him, does it just fall out or does it pack in there. Dennis said they have to dig it out or it gets stuck in there.
Dennis said that he has a girlfriend who has CP and he thought she was pretty hot. He said she's in a wheelchair herself. He said that most CP people are always drooling and they don't even realize that. Dennis said he has a monkey that goes everywhere with him. It's actually a nurse who pushes him around according to Gary. Dennis says that his nurse puts him on the bed and gives him some Cialis so he can get off. His girlfriend then jerks him off for a while. He said the boner lasted about 18 hours though.
Dennis said he's had prostitutes before and they've done him for hours. Artie gave some applause for the whores who are willing to do stuff like that. Big Foot Mark started to tell some stories and Howard said he thought Dennis was a shoe in for this thing but after hearing his voice he might just have a chance.
Howard said they were going to have to vote on all of these guys. He turned his attention to Big Foot Mark after that. The guy is 6'4'' tall and weighs 280 pounds and has a very interesting voice. He has a size 14 EEE shoe size. Artie asked why they were even going to continue the contest after hearing this guy. Mark said that he has problems with sleeping and has died 47 times during his sleep. He told some stories about prostitutes and Artie was laughing the whole time just because of the guy's voice. His stories weren't funny, it was just his voice. Artie said he wants to go out and get drunk with this guy.
Mark told the guys that he has a hotel room and the people are so scared of him that they refuse to clean his room. Artie was still laughing his ass off at this guy. Howard asked Mark why he wants to be a Wack Packer. Mark said he's had some legal problems and spent some time in prison. As he was talking Fred played the ''I like to kill deer'' clip that they pulled from a David Lynch ring tone. Artie cracked up even more.
Mark continued to tell stories about going to jail and how he had a guy suck on his cock there. He said he wasn't forced to do that, he was pretty willing to do just about anything. He said he gets ''leared'' into doing just about anything, he might even jump off a bridge if he was asked to.
Howard read that Mark was once dragged by a car one time. Mark told that story and how he held onto a car door handle and almost got run over by the car. Robin asked Mark if he's done drugs. Mark said he used to do just about any drug including lighter fluid in a plastic bag. Howard asked him what that was all about. He would snort the fumes from the fluid and he would get high off of that.
Howard said that Mark and Dennis were good but they had to get to one more guy. Artie really liked Big Foot Mark. Howard asked him if he would feel bad about beating this quadriplegic guy. Mark said he wouldn't feel bad about beating anyone.
Toby was up next. He was portrayed in American Splendor and Killer Nerd back in 1991. Artie was laughing his ass off again as he was talking. Howard asked Toby if he considers himself a nerd. Toby said he does feel that he might be a nerd because he was goofed on back when he was in school. Artie gave him a big ''Wah!'' when he was talking about the problems he had back in school.
Toby said he had a problem in school one time and went after a guy with a hammer. He said his teacher had to stop him before he did something. He said that he knew Harvey Pekar and that's how he ended up in the movie American Splendor.
Howard asked Toby how he got into this whole thing. He said a guy submitted a DVD with him on it and that's how he got there. He told Howard that he's a gay man and he has a boyfriend at this point. He said he's know that he was gay since the age of about 12. He doesn't have to go looking for other guys because he is in a relationship. He said that he has taken it up the ass and he has given oral to guys.
Gary said they heard that Toby has a pretty big penis. Toby said he has about 8 inches and there will be a easter egg scene in the DVD release of ''Abhoration Boulevard'' where he appears as a baby and has his diaper changed.
Howard said that he's been around doing this stuff for a long time and he was very happy with the three finalists they had. He said they did have to pick just one of the three to win the money though. Howard asked Toby if he has some kind of affliction because he is kind of unusual. Toby said something about a disease called ''Asperger's'' or something like that but they thought he was saying ''Ass burgers.''
Howard asked Dennis why he wants to be a Wack Packer. Dennis said he wanted to do some crazy stuff on the show. Mark said he wanted to be one so he can have an apartment building to help people out. Toby said he has an unusual take on things so that's why he wants to be one.
Howard had Gary give his vote for the winner. Gary said that he really has to go with Big Foot even though the other two are good. Robin said that all three deserve to win but she had to go with Big Foot as Gary did. Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that Big Foot was the funniest guy there. Captain Janks said the first guy threw up when he heard Dennis talking about jerking off. Zolar said that Big Foot sounds like the best guy to him. High Pitch Eric said he would like to see Dennis win because his voice is almost the same.
Artie said that he had a definite answer today and that's unusual for him. He told Dennis to go home and maybe they'll check in with him. Toby has already been discovered so he had to go with Big Foot. Fred said he agrees with Artie and Toby is already in show business and he's too ''polished'' to be a Wack Packer. Fred was also afraid they'd lose Dennis if he was the next Wack Packer. Dennis said he's not going to die like Fred thought.
Howard had the final vote and said he could overrule them all but he was going to go with Big Foot like everyone else had. He thought that maybe they could have him do a one hour radio show to replace Riley Martin. Artie said he wants to see Big Foot get that apartment building he was talking about. Howard congratulated Big Foot on his win.
Howard said the best thing he saw was Big Foot trying to shake Dennis' hand when he has no movement in his arms. He gave Dennis a $500 prize but that was the final prize he had so Toby had no prize. Gary said that they'd try to find something for him. Howard also said that he wanted to change Big Foot's name since they already had a Big Foot on the show. He was thinking of calling him Sasquatch or something like that.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and thanked them all for coming in. He told Big Foot that he'll probably be on a lot of shows now and he's very happy to have him as part of the family. He also hopes to hear from Toby and Dennis in the future. He was still trying to come up with names for Big Foot like ''Grizzly Moron'' but he's not sure what he's going to do yet. He let them go and went to break.
Today's The Wack Pack Strikes Back was over around 10:55am.
In the clip Howard was talking to Kenneth Keith Kallenbach about the porn movie he made. Kenneth told Howard about how it all came about and how they made him take an AIDS test before he did it. Howard said he heard he was a real pain in the ass on the movie set and that the girl was repulsed by him. Kenneth said that he didn't think she was. Kenneth said that she pulled out a joint before the movie shoot and wanted to smoke but he doesn't smoke.
Robin wondered what the girl was thinking when she saw Kenneth sitting there. Howard said he knows nothing about sex so that's probably why she wanted to get high.
After an edited out break Howard said the girl who did the movie with him hasn't come in so she may not show up. Howard said Kenneth has some dolls of himself that he's selling. He said they look like garbage. Kenneth said they're cool.
Howard asked Kenneth about flying out to California and how he's supposed to get 2 grand for the movie. He hasn't gotten paid yet.
Howard said Kenneth asked the girl for her number after the movie and she said no. Kenneth said he didn't like her anyway. He said he just wanted to keep in touch with her. Robin asked if he did a money shot at the end. Kenneth didn't know what that was. Howard asked if he had an orgasm at the end. Kenneth said they missed the first one and didn't get it on camera.
Kenneth said he's working on a record deal. He said he's going to do some comedy rock. Howard asked Ken if he's getting any girls. Kenneth said he gets some hot chicks now. Howard said he doesn't believe it. He told him to bring in some of the girls who he has had sex with. Ken said they have boyfriends so they won't come in.
Howard said Ken only got ugly girls from what he told them in the past. Ken said a lot of them were but not all of them.
Howard said he noticed he had a small penis in the porno. Ken said he knows that. He said he tells the girls it's big though. Howard said Ken wasn't able to make the connection with the girl at one point. Robin said they didn't now where he was going when he was doing that. Howard said the girl wasn't even getting excited.
Kenneth asked if it was a good move making the porno. Howard said any move is fine for Kenneth. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later. He asked when the movie will be in the stores. Kenneth said he doesn't know. He said whenever it's there, it's there.
Robin asked if this next job is going to require an AIDS test. Ken said he thinks the one he had will be good enough. Howard said he just had unprotected sex so he may have to take another. Robin asked what he has to live for anyway. Ken said he's going to do a couple more movies and just roll out.
Howard asked ken if he wanted to do something else before he left. Kenneth said he didn't know. Howard asked if he wanted to play something off his album. Ken said he would play live if he had a guitar. Howard told Gary to get him a guitar.
Howard asked Ken if he would do gay porn. Ken said if they paid him enough he might. Howard said he thinks that he'd do it for $250,000.
Howard said he had to move on with the show. They gave him a guitar and had him play one of his songs. Ken played a few seconds before Howard told him to get out.
In this clip we heard Howard talking to Ken and Micky Lynn. Howard played some of Ken's music to show what kind of crazy stuff he's done. Howard said he tried to do stand-up and now he's into music. He's trying to get a record deal. Howard said when he sees Ken he fears for the human race. He said he feels like we're going backwards.
Howard said someone got the idea to put Ken in a porno movie. Howard said Micky is a cute girl and she's got a killer body. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's 22 but she looks even younger. Howard said he couldn't imagine what she was thinking when she saw Ken for the first time.
Micky said that she was told she was going to be working with someone new. She said they don't usually pick guys like him to work with. She said that they usually pick nice looking guys. Micky said she got into porn at 19. Howard asked if her life was screwed up before that. She said that it kind of was. She said she likes to go out dancing at strip clubs so she can feature if she's been in porn.
Micky said her parents were divorced and her father may have molested her a little bit. She said that she found her step-father and he has been great to her. She said that her parents got upset that she got into porn but after a year they understood what she was doing and accepted it.
Micky told Howard about how her parents found out what she was doing. She said they knew she was stripping but not that she was in the movies. A family friend told them about that.
Howard said he saw the raw tape of Micky seeing Ken for the first time. She looked shocked. He said they should show that in the porno. Micky said the first thing she wondered about was his AIDS test. Ken said he doesn't understand that she doesn't find him attractive. Micky said that she thinks he's a funny guy but he's not attractive. She said she wouldn't think about sex with him. She said she might run of she came up to him in a bar.
Howard asked Ken when he ever got girls. Ken said he doesn't know. Howard said he must know it's the truth. He said no good looking girls were going after him. Ken said he doesn't think he's that ugly. Howard said he's repulsive. Howard thinks he's a 1 on a scale of 10. Micky said he's more like a 3. Ken said he thinks she's a 9. Howard said that Ken is so lacking in grace he looks like a dog making love. Robin said it was something she didn't need to see.
Howard asked Micky about what she said when she found out it was Ken. She said that she got to know him before the scene. She said the other guy who was supposed to show up was in a car accident so he didn't show up. Micky said she had to do the scene with Ken alone. She said they were supposed to have a 3-way. Ken had no idea. Howard said they may have told her that just to get her to do the movie. Howard said they did bait and switch with her.
Ken said that she showed up with her boyfriend. Howard asked what's wrong with that. Ken said he found it weird. Howard said the whole thing was weird.
Howard asked if Micky asked for extra money for doing the movie. Micky said she didn't. She said she gets paid like $500 to do a scene like that.
Gary came in and said that Howard was right about the theory with the other guy. There was no other guy. The movie producer was there and told him that. Micky said that's what they told her. She said that she did have fun with it because she's a professional. She said she ended up laughing during the shoot.
Howard said they had to use a bunch of lubricant because she wasn't able to get excited for Ken. Ken said he didn't know that.
Gary said Ken finished in like 3 seconds. Micky said he came twice. She said he was very fast and a fast learner too.
Howard said he remembers them greasing her up pretty good. He said that must be because she wasn't into Kenneth. Ken said he doesn't remember that. Howard said he sat there like a coat hanger in a shirt. Howard said he was rather small too. Micky agreed with him on that. Ken said she told him he was great. She did that again today but she was just telling him that to make him feel good.
Howard asked Micky if Ken is the ugliest guy she's ever had sex with. She said he's an interesting looking guy. Howard asked if he was the smallest man she's eve been with. She said he is. She said that when ken was laughing she would lose her concentration. Ken didn't remember laughing.
Howard said Ken looked gross to him. He said that even his intimate areas are ugly. Howard said he was small and everything was odd. He said he was the size of a lipstick. He said he thought he might be big down there since a lot of retarded guys are big.
Ken said he's very religious now. He said he can't make more porno's. Micky said she just met Ken's girlfriend and she was very nice. Howard said Micky has some body on her. She said her breasts were real.
Robin asked Ken when he found god. Ken said that he could keep doing it but it's really not right. He said the disease thing is one thing that bothers him. Howard said that Ken did another porno 3 months earlier and used that same AIDS test for this one. Howard said he didn't have another test. Howard said he did two porno's between the test and this movie. Micky said that she checked the date and it was fine. Howard said he could have gotten something between those other shoots though. Howard told Micky she might want to go douche with Drano. Ken said alright but Howard wasn't talking to him.
Howard told Ken he lucked out with this girl. Ken said he's hanging up his rubbers after this. Gary said Doug from E! saw the raw footage and there's one scene where Ken was staring at some other girl who was shooting a scene and she had to ask them to remove him from the room.
Howard asked Micky if she felt sick inside after ding that movie. Micky said she just thought about somebody else and got into it.
Howard said Ken's girlfriend is upset about this. Ken said he told her about it before he did it. Howard asked the guys to bring her in. Ken said she was living in Chicago at the time. Howard said she's too good for him. Howard asked the girlfriend some questions but the microphone wasn't working. Howard said he works in a dump.
Howard asked if the girlfriend, Rebecca, wants to marry Kenneth. She said that she got that out of her system. She said that she is saddened by the fact that he made this movie. She said she doesn't know what to think about the whole thing. She said it's a guy thing. Rebecca said that this ruined things for them. She was really into him before the porn. She said she lives with him now and she does sleep with him sometimes. She said she knew how small he was but she was in love so she was blinded. The girlfriend said that she moved away from Ken and went to Chicago. She said that he told her about the porno stuff after she came back.
Howard asked Micky if she has a boyfriend. She said that she has a guy who helps her out on the road but not a boyfriend. She told Howard about another movie she did and how she slept with the producer of that one. She said she learned from her mistakes on that.
Gary said they have another girl from the movie who wants to get topless for him. Gary said that her name is Caressa. Howard asked if she made love to Kenneth Keith. She said she didn't. Howard saw that she was pierced on her belly button and had a chain there. Howard asked if she was molested as a child. She said she wasn't. Howard asked if she wanted to be.
Howard asked the girls to kiss. They did that for a couple of seconds. Howard asked Ken if he had anything to say about his new porno career. Ken said that he won't be doing any more movies. Howard asked Rebecca if she'll go back to Ken. She said she won't. Ken didn't seem too upset about that. He said that time goes on.
Howard asked Rebecca if she would ever go to girls instead of guys. She said that she likes guys. Gary asked Caressa if she would do Ken in a movie. She said she only does girls in porn movies. She said Ken isn't bad though.
Howard asked Micky if she would do another movie with Ken. She said she wouldn't do it because she wouldn't want to interfere with his relationship. Ken said they were separated at the time. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking about the invitation that he got from Crackhead Bob. He read the invitation and got Bob on the phone. He spent a few minutes asking how many people were going to be invited and things like that. Kenneth Keith is invited and called in to ask what he's supposed to do from 2pm to 7pm while he waits between the ceremony and the reception. They also played a Crackhead Bob history moment before moving on.
Crackhead Bob As Elvis' Cousin In Memphis. 9/9/97. 8:30am
Howard sent Crackhead Bob down to Memphis (Graceland) to dress up as an Elvis look alike and pretend that he's Elvis' cousin. I guess there was a big gathering down there for the anniversary of his death or something so there were tons of Elvis fans around. Howard played the tape of the whole thing this morning. Most of it was Bob and Mike Gange getting yelled at by Elvis fans and Elvis impersonators. According to Gange, Bob was more normal than most of the people down there. It kind of sounded that way too. Most of the people who were yelling at Bob sounded pretty stupid. Gary mentioned something about giving these people an intelligence test but Howard ran out of time to play it. Maybe tomorrow.
Big Foot Mark Sings And Makes Prank Calls. 08/14/06. 6:15am
Howard played some audio of their newest Wack Packer, Big Foot Mark, singing his favorite song but not getting more than a couple of the words right. He got about every fifth word while mumbling the rest of the words of the Eagles ''Hotel California.''
Howard said they had Big Foot make a prank phone call too. He played that audio and Mark called a woman and told her that her cats were coming in his yard and shitting. He asked her how big her pussy was and she held up pretty good with him. She was yelling at him and telling him to go fuck himself and things like that. She also blew a whistle into the phone to try and scare him off but it wasn't working that well.
Celestine Tate Has Died. 2/26/98. 6:15am
Celestine Tate, the armless and legless woman who played the keyboard with her tongue, has died. 2 weeks ago she was hit by 2 cars while rolling down the streets of Atlantic City on her motorized gurney. Captain Janks called in with the news this morning and Robin confirmed it later in the show during the news segment. Celestine was a guest on the show a few times. She played her keyboard on the boardwalk in Atlantic City for money. The boardwalk just won't be the same without ''Amazing Grace'' being tongued on her Casio.
In the clip Howard was talking about going to Scores the other night and how he was engorged for hours. He said that he was probably engorged 90 percent of the time he was there. Jackie said the needle is in the red most of the time you're there. Howard said he had heat being generated from his underpants. He said he got home and started to work himself over. He said nothing was happening though. Robin said that doesn't sound pleasant. Howard said it took him like 20 minutes to finish. Jackie said it must have been some finished when he did get there. Howard said it was.
Howard said he had Melrose Larry Green on the phone. Howard said he goes around with the signs all the time and he's working so hard he should probably reward him in some way.
Gary came in and told Howard that Melrose was annoying people who were trying to get on the promotional bus that they have out for Private Parts. Howard said he's going to take away what he was just saying about the guy. Howard said he doesn't have to stand outside and annoy people. Melrose said that people are lying. He said that Jay Clark and Bob Mohr are lying and they're stealing bits from his show. Howard said he heard that he was doing this stuff so he's going to get Jay Clark on the phone. Melrose told him to go ahead and get him.
Howard had Jay Clark from the L.A. station on the line and asked him what was going on out there. Jay said he has multiple reports that he was out there annoying people. Melrose had some accusations of his own. He claims that an intern insulted him. Melrose said that he's going to sue him if he keeps this up.
Melrose went off on Jay but Howard cut him off and asked Jay if he thinks Melrose is really doing what he's hearing. Jay said this is what the bus people are telling him. Melrose said they're not paid people so they're not going to tell the truth. Howard said he's going to get to the bottom of this eventually. Howard asked Jay to put him in touch with the people who are accusing Melrose. Jay said he'd do that.
Howard ended up playing some Imus tape he had. Howard went off on Imus after a few seconds of this clip he had. Howard said his motivation to get up in the morning is to beat his ass. He said he should get back on coke. Howard went off on him for a few minutes about the nonsense he was rambling on and on about.
Melrose got back to bad mouthing Jay Clark. He was offering $150,000 to Jay if he could prove his allegations. Jay said he'd prove it for that kind of money. Melrose said that he knows more about the Stern show than anyone.
Howard said he thinks that Jay isn't lying and he isn't going to let Melrose into the premiere. Melrose said he can do what he wants since he's the King of All Media. Howard hung up on him in the middle of a sentence.
Daniel Carver Movie Reviews. 5/24/99. 7:30am
KKK member Daniel Carver called in to give a few movie reviews this morning. Daniel hasn't been on since February so Howard had some catching up to do. Howard asked Daniel how he would get rid of the people in this country that he doesn't like. Daniel said he'd give the black people equal opportunity and they'd leave on their own because they couldn't compete with the white people. Howard also asked how Daniel would get rid of the Jews. Daniel said that another Hitler would do the job but then said that you can't get rid of the Jews because they're the devil. Howard eventually moved on to the movie reviews. Daniel first reviewed ''Get on the Bus'' which was directed by Spike Lee. The movie is about a bus ride to the Million Man March. Daniel wasn't too thrilled with the movie. He liked the black jokes told in the film but only gave it a 1 Burning Cross rating. The next movie was ''Cotton Comes To Harlem.'' Howard didn't describe this movie too much but Daniel gave it a 2 Burning Cross rating. The final movie was ''A Gentleman's Agreement'' which is an older movie starring Gregory Peck. Howard played a couple of clips with a kid complaining about being called a ''dirty Jew'' and a ''kike.'' He asked Daniel if he felt sorry for the child. Of course Daniel couldn't care less about that. Daniel gave that film a 2 Burning Cross rating. Click here for all of Daniel's movie reviews. After the reviews Howard took some phone calls for Daniel. One woman called in asking for a KKK application. She claimed to be the victim of a rape and that it was a black guy who did it. Now she hates all black people for no reason. Even Gary the Retard called in to talk to Daniel. Gary yelled at Daniel for some reason. He told Daniel he's seen him on the Jerry Springer show and now he doesn't like him. A lot of callers think that Daniel has a lot of hatred in him but he claims he doesn't. He claims that he just has a lot of love for his own race.
Elephant Boy Appears In Porno Film. 9/30/99. 8:10am
Elephant Boy and his porno co-star Abby came in to promote a couple of web sites this morning. By the end of the interview Howard refused to promote the sites. A few months ago Howard found out that Fred did this bizarre porno where he wore women's stockings and did things to his butt with a dildo. The movie was on a web site and Howard said it was very strange. He brought E.Boy in and told him it was a very disturbing video. He said it was very gay. E.Boy explained that he did it to prove that he's a man but Howard said that was the wrong way to do it. E.Boy has done some gay stuff in the past but the last time he was on he said he was heterosexual. Today he was claiming that he's bi-sexual again. Howard spent 25 minutes talking to E.Boy about all of this and found out that he's not going to be paid anything for doing this video but the web site that's showing it gets $14.95 a month membership fees to watch the video. Howard then decided that he wasn't going to allow the site to be promoted until Fred is paid. Abby wanted to give out two sites but Howard wouldn't allow either one until Fred signs a contract to be paid for his services. At one point during the segment E.Boy said that this would be his last show and he was going to retire from being Elephant Boy and just go back to being Fred Schreiber. Howard soon talked him out of that bad idea. He's scheduled to be back in about 3 weeks to appear with wrestler Mankind(formerly known as Cactus Jack). Abby kept trying to get a plug in for one of the sites but Howard kept cutting her off and threatened to hit the delay if she said the site. If Fred does get money for his video he's invited back to promote the site. Howard told Abby that E.Boy must have been blinded by pussy to have done all of this for free.
Elephant Boy And Abby Return. 10/1/99. 7:30am
Fred the Elephant Boy returned this morning with the woman he made a weird porno with. Yesterday Fred came in to promote the web site where the porno was at but Howard put a stop to it because Fred wasn't being paid for it. He told them to come back with a contract and he'd let them promote it. Abby brought a contract in today but after Howard looked at it he suggested that Fred not sign it because there were some loopholes in it. Howard said that if it wasn't plugged the right way then Fred wouldn't get paid. If everything did work out he'd be paid 34% of the net profit. Howard said that was wrong also. He said that Fred should be paid on the gross not the net. Either that or he should get paid up front, perhaps $20,000 for making a fool out of himself. After a lot of arguing with Abby there wasn't much settled. Then Abby's husband Doc called in. He went on to yell and scream about what the deal was with the contract. He wouldn't let Howard get a word in but everything he was saying Howard agreed with. Howard just suggested to Fred that take the contract to an attorney to find out if it's a fair deal. Doc said no matter what he's already selling the tape. The conversation went on for about a half hour and by the end of it Howard had convinced Doc that Fred should go to his own attorney to have the contract reviewed. Howard once again said that when Fred is comfortable with the financial contract he can come back and plug the site.
Andrea 'Miss Howard Stern' Ownbey Visits. 05/23/06. 8:10am
Howard had Andrea Ownbey, Miss Howard Stern, come in next. She's going to be in a movie called ''Dorm of the Dead'' so shed was in to promote that. Andrea actually flew in on a private jet this morning. He wasn't sure how she managed that. He also said that she's lost some weight and her boobs were bigger than ever. She kept hitting her microphone when she put her hand up to her face so Howard had to ask her not to do that a couple of times.
Howard said that it looks like Andrea did something to her teeth because they're big and white. Andrea said she had them done before the last time she was on. He asked her to try and close her mouth and she wasn't able to do that. She said it was because she was smiling but Howard thought they were too big.
Andrea said that she wants to become an actress and she knows that all of the guys on the show might laugh at her. She went on to say that she would like to do voice overs and things like that. Howard told her that she should be a stripper or a porn star because the acting thing isn't going to happen. Gary came in and said that she's taking acting lessons in Tennessee instead of moving out to Los Angeles.
Andrea said that she doesn't want to do porn and she wants to try and do what she believes in. Robin told her that there's no work in Chattanooga. She knows that and said she's going to try to go out to California in a couple of weeks. She was also saying that she will not show her body on TV or radio even though she's not ashamed of her body. That's just not her. She's afraid that if she does porn, she won't be able to get a job doing other things like voice overs.
Howard and Robin pointed out that Carmen Electra and Pam Anderson started out doing Playboy so her logic is kind of wrong. Andrea said that she doesn't believe that she'll even live to the age of 30. Howard told her to knock off the bullshit about acting and just get into her panties and get on the Sybian. She said she wanted a job doing voice overs and then she'd get on the machine.
Howard told Andrea that her teeth were ruining her delivery so there's no way she's going to be able to do voice overs. Howard wanted to hear her voice but she needed some lines to read. Howard told her that in an audition she has a few seconds to do some voices. She did a little bit of a ''country voice'' but she didn't have anything to say other than ''Set 'er down'' and a couple of other lines. Howard said that if he were her agent he'd be calling and telling her to get into porn after hearing that.
Joey Boots called in and said that it's about time to get a Miss Howard Stern who will show her tits and get naked. Hook Nose Mike seemed to have a similar suggestion. Tabitha Stevens called in and asked Andrea how she was doing and that led to her talking about how her best friend died on October 5th and her fiancee died a couple of years ago.
Howard said he heard a rumor about KC and Andrea. He asked her if she banged KC. She didn't want to answer and was afraid she was going to get in trouble for it. She eventually admitted that it did happen. She went to a comedy show and ended up doing it with him. There was some other trouble that went on at the comedy show but no one understood what she was talking about.
Tabitha Stevens got back to her questions about how she was doing because she felt like something was going on. It seemed like Tabitha knew something about Andrea that she wasn't revealing. Howard asked her what it was that she wanted to tell him. Tabitha said that she wasn't sure what her problem might be. Andrea eventually came around and said that when she lost her friend Jenna, things went to hell and she's been crying every day. She's been partying a lot more and has been drinking a lot more. She said that she really misses her friend and she copes by drinking.
Andrea said that she doesn't need any help but then she told the guys how much she drinks and basically told them that she's drinking all the time. Howard asked Andrea how she got this private jet flight in this morning. She said that she has a friend who hooked her up with the plane. She said that she doesn't know anything about planes so she didn't know what kind it was. She said she knows a lot of guys with private jets and they just let her fly on them. Howard figured she had to be giving the guy sex or something but she claims that they just give her stuff for no reason.
Andrea said that she feels like they don't know her. She said she doesn't want to be in porn, she doesn't want to sleep with every guy she meets but she did sleep with KC about 8 or 9 times and she was with him at the time he got fired. Howard asked her if he delivered the big orgasm. She said that he didn't and he was very quick in bed.
Gary came in and said that KC gave her permission to talk about anything that happened. He also said he heard that KC borrowed some money from her while they were up at a casino and didn't pay her back. Andrea said he did pay her back and the check cleared.
The guys asked Andrea about what positions KC had her in and stuff like that. She wasn't revealing everything. She kept saying that she didn't remember a lot of what went on. Gary asked her if KC fucks as good as he looks. Andrea said that they're too much alike and it was a big problem and it's like a big bomb blew up. Andrea said that they were drinking at breakfast and things like that. Howard said he didn't understand a thing that was going on there.
Tabitha told Howard that they might need to send Andrea to rehab. Andrea doesn't believe that she needs anything like that. She said that she's been in denial her whole life and she's insane so the last thing she needs to be in is rehab. She said she's happy filming low budget horror movies and things like that. Howard asked her who paid for her huge titties. She said she paid for them herself.
Howard told Andrea that they may have a new Miss Howard Stern contest and asked her if she'd be willing to compete again. She said she already won and doesn't want to compete again. She wants to keep her title and she will prove it to them. Howard gave her a plug for the ''Dorm of the Dead'' movie and then played a clip from the movie. All of the guys clapped and Howard told her that she did a good job. He then told her to get on the Sybian.
Howard took a couple of phone calls from guys. One guy said that she has no talent except what's between her legs. Andrea said that's not where her interest is. Bobo said that he wanted to hear more about Andrea and KC but she wasn't talking. She quickly said that KC broke her belly chain in the shower while they were having sex and then his girlfriend found out about it and they broke up over it.
Andrea wants to go on tour to promote Howard and SIRIUS so Howard said he'd look into something like that as he brushed her off. Another caller said that Andrea is Miss Howard Stern and she should be willing to ride the Sybian. Andrea asked what would happen if she got on the thing. Howard told her that she has to stay on it for more than a second. He told her that to keep her crown, she'd have to ride it. That didn't help. Howard told the guys from In Demand to play the clip of Katie Holmes riding the Sybian. They put something up on the screen but it didn't convince Andrea to ride it.
Howard told Andrea that she doesn't have to ride the Sybian because he said it looked like she was about to cry. Andrea said that she knows that wasn't Katie Holmes on the Sybian and she's not that dumb. Howard gave her another plug for Dorm of the Dead and the web site where you can check it out... Myspace.com/DormOfTheDead. Andrea felt like she was missing something so Artie suggested a ''group hummer'' from her.
Howard told Andrea to let him know when she's ready to retire. She said that would probably be after he retires. They spent a couple more minutes talking after Howard mentioned that Fran Drescher was coming in. He told Andrea that Fran was going to ride the Sybian so Andrea wanted to talk to her about that. Howard wrapped up with Andrea and went to break a short time later.
Kristen Gets Farted On For Fight Tickets. 5/30/02. 9:15am
Late in the show yesterday this woman Kristen called in and said she'd do anything to get tickets to the Stuttering John vs. Cabbie fight. Howard took her up on the offer and said she'd have to lay naked on the floor while Dan the Farter blasted farts in her face. She came in this morning and was trying to keep some of her clothes on because she didn't think her ass looked very good. Howard told her she had to get completely naked though. He spent a few minutes learning a little bit about her before getting to the farting. He tried to find out how smart she was by asking a few general knowledge questions but she was doing okay. She didn't know if the word imbecile started with the letter I or E though.
Howard gave up on the questions and had her strip down and lay on the floor. He said she really didn't look all that bad. Howard told her she had to do it for a full 2 minutes and she tried getting out of it again. He told her she had to do it or she wouldn't get the tickets though. She lasted about 10 seconds before she completely freaked out. She was covering her face and moving around so much that Howard had them start the clock over 3 times. She finally laid there and took the nasty, long, juicy farts in her face but she cursed a couple of times. Howard penalized her for doing that and extended her time by 30 seconds each time. All in all it was about 5 minutes worth of farting that she took right in her face. She was screaming and telling Howard she was going to throw up because she was so disgusted with the whole thing. KC and Artie were laughing hysterically through the whole ordeal.
Howard finally ended the farting and joked that they didn't have tickets for her. Artie told her that she was the lucky winner of 2 tickets to the Stuttering John comedy show instead of the fight. Kristen said that it wasn't worth it to do this. She said she was embarrassed and degraded.
Howard also got to meet Dan the Farter's fiancee Danielle. Howard said she was really cute also. He spoke to her for a short time and learned that Dan is not allowed to fart around her. She said he's not allowed to fart on her or in bed. Dan said she does laugh at his farts as long as they're not near her. Howard wrapped up everything and invited Dan and his fiancee down to Atlantic City tomorrow so he can fart in the ring to kill some time.
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach...arrested! 7/2496.
Yesterday Howard found out that Kenneth Keith had been arrested for abducting a woman and beating her up. Today he wanted to get Kenneth's side of the story so he got him on the phone. The report in the newspaper said that Kenneth beat up this woman and her head was bleeding. When Howard asked Kenneth about all of this he said that it was just a ''Lovers Quarrel''. Some quarrel! On another line was the woman that Kenneth allegedly beat up, his girlfriend Rebecca! Then Captain Janks called in to bad mouth Kenneth. Janks said that Kenneth treats this poor girl horribly. One time he apparently ripped off her skirt on the side of a busy highway for no reason. Kenneth just sat back and listened to all of this just saying that it was all just a ''Lovers quarrel'' over and over again. I think that this girl is going to get away from Kenneth but before she leaves the state she said that she'd go out with Captain Janks. Both Kenneth and Janks were trying to out do each other with bad mouthing. Janks said that Kenneth picks up ''Tunnel Whores'' and does Heroin. Kenneth said that Janks does Coke and called him a dwarf. It was pretty funny! So Howard told Kenneth to knock it off or else he'd have to throw him through a window.
Gary The Retard vs. Wendy The Retard. 3/26/02. 7:30am
Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard were on the phone this morning. Gary the retard told Howard that he has to have all of his upper teeth pulled out because they're getting so bad. Robin asked him if he ever brushes them. He said that he brushes them ''almost every day.'' Robin told him he has to brush them at least twice a day but she's telling that to a retarded guy.
Howard got Wendy the Retard on the phone also. He's thinking of having them perform ''I Got You Babe'' at the upcoming Cabbie vs. Stuttering John fight. He also decided to test the two of them to see who was smarter. He asked them a bunch of questions like:
After the quiz Howard played the music for ''I Got You Babe'' and Wendy sang along pretty well. Gary wasn't able to get it quite right though. He didn't seem to be sure of where to start singing. Howard ended the fun shortly after having them sing.
Today's The Wack Pack Strikes Back was over around 11:50am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:45am.